12.txt

I am looking through my closet—there are so many choices for clothes. I guess it's the fashion here but I wasn’t expecting to have so many pants. 

Hrmmm…

These pants do seem like they would look good on me, and they might be better than a skirt or dress if we go for a walk. Hrmm, these white slacks look good, and it would get less in the way if—

“Hey.”

I pull away from the closet, and turn towards the voice coming from the sofa. A head peeks up over the side.

“Yes?”

“I…are you planning an outfit?” She definitely just second guessed herself and diverted into a different question, but I have no idea what it could have been.

“Yes, I am spending the day with Rae tomorrow, though officially it’s not a Date . We will be heading out on the town and taking a break from all of the studying. You don’t have to worry about me tomorrow—I’ll be out of your hair.”

Catherine perks up, unsurprisingly. “I would appreciate that. You've been doing pretty well with picking out your outfits, by the way. I suppose it wouldn’t be that hard with how much work the previous you put into your wardrobe, but still, you’re doing a good job. And the choices you’re making now feel different, too.”

“Good different?”

“I guess? It’s more of a vibe than something I can point to specifically. You were always more fashion aware than me, but now it feels…I don’t know. More authentic? Less showy?” Catherine pulls herself up and lets her arms hang over the side of the couch. She shrugs.

“I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“I noticed in my portraits—”

“Photos,” Catherine corrects. Right, photos.

“...photos, that I never curled my hair.”

“Errr, well, yeah? Did you do that before?”

“I did, like how Mother would do her hair.” It does make sense that this Claire never picked up the habit. I’m not even sure my relationship with my mother is on good terms, judging from the photo of us I saw earlier.

“Oh…” Catherine slumps a bit on the couch. She looks downcast. “Why haven't you asked about it?” She finally says after a long pause. The question feels like it is lined with lead. Is that what she wanted to bring up earlier?

“About which, Mother? Father? ...You?” The accident .

Catherine looks miserable and she tries to merge with the sofa. “So you know about that.”

“It wasn’t your fault. At least, it wasn’t your fault back in the world that I remember and I feel certain that wasn’t your fault here either.” I can tell she needs to hear this, like she needed to hear it back then.

“You don’t know that, you weren’t there. You”—

“You were six years old, Catherine! How could any of that have been your fault? You aren’t responsible for what happened!”

The fierceness of my voice takes her by surprise and I hold her gaze, not letting her look away. I can see tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “But if your mom hadn’t tried to save me…your dad might…”

I close the distance between us and kneel beside the sofa next to Catherine. She curls into a ball at the back of the sofa but I gently take her hand. “Catherine, I don’t blame you for what happened. Can I tell you what it was like before, where I came from?”

She doesn't say anything but I can see a slight nod of her head.

“In the kingdom of Bauer, your father was a high-ranking noble and was at odds with my parents. I mentioned before that my parents had wanted social reform, and well, your father was adamantly opposed to their goals. He arranged for the accident to happen. As you told me back then, you were made an unwitting  pawn in their plan; you were gifted with a unique magic that could erase memories and he meant for you to use it to get rid of any evidence.”

I take a deep breath and continue. “The first attack failed to kill them, though, and my mother was able to save you before a second group of attackers came and killed her. You escaped and your father planned to use you again—he assigned you to follow me as we grew up so he could eventually use both of us as part of some future ploy. As we grew closer, though, you saw his horrible plans for what they were and refused to play along with them. In the end you turned on him completely and helped me catch and arrest him. You even used your magic on him.” I try to meet her gaze again as she averts her eyes. “None of that was your fault. You were being used. And once you were old enough to realize it, you refused to cooperate. You were always my friend and I consider you like a sister to me, Catherine.”

Catherine needs a moment, and tries to level out her breathing. Eventually she lets out a long breath and runs a hand through her hair. “I hate how much your version sounds almost exactly like what happened here.” Her voice is very shaky. I gently rub her hand, a careful nudge to encourage her to continue. 

“Okay, yeah, my dad has had it out for yours for a long time. I’m sure you’ve figured this part out already, but you come from money, like a lot of money. The Francois name is a well-known worldwide brand, a high end, very classy brand. It’s on all sorts of luxury goods, such as clothes, accessories, even custom cars. Your mom wanted to do some good with all of that money and fame when she married your father, at least that's what she told me. Umm…she—they—were trying to reform a lot of the standards in the EU to combat malicious corporate malfeasance. Without getting into too many of the details, my dad didn’t like that. It cut into too many of his profits. He didn’t like me either, or my mom—we were a mistake he wanted to get rid of. I overheard him arranging the ‘accident.’ He was going to kill us all. Our car was supposed to run yours off the side of the road into the river and....”

She takes another breath to compose herself.The memory still causes her to tremble.

“He caught me eavesdropping and told me the best thing I could do was to make sure we all died cleanly. I should have said something, anything, but I was so terrified…and then it all happened so fast—our car rolled into your family’s car and we both went over the side. I thought I was going to die when we hit the water. I should have just died from the impact but I didn’t and I remember seeing your mother…she was trying to pull your father out of the car but he wasn’t moving and then she somehow saw me. She pulled me out instead when she should have saved him. It should have been—

“No.”

“But—”

“No, Catherine, it’s not your fault and you can’t tell me my life would be better if you weren't here.”

She takes a very shaky breath, tears welling up in her eyes, “C-Claire…you weren't…you don’t know what you were like—”

“Catherine, our parents made that choice, not you. I’m not going to lie, losing my mother in my old life hurt…and I…I’m so scared to see her again. Knowing she’s here but not Father, I don’t know how to put it into words. He lived a full life in the world I remember. He was there for me, and for Rae and our g-girls. Knowing he won’t get to see me grow up and find h-happiness hurts, but now I have M-mother again instead and I don’t know what to make of it. I…it feels wrong to be h-happy about it but—”

“C-claire if you cry, I’m—”

That breaks any semblance of control I have, and a loud sob escapes from me as I throw my arms around her. It catches her by surprise but she takes a shaky breath and embraces me back, tears streaming down her face as well.

“Don’t leave again!” I cry out.

“What?”

“Don’t you dare think about leaving me again!” I repeat.

Catherine stops crying, a look of confusion on her face. “I…okay.”

I’m still crying, but I’m also laughing too. Goodness, I feel like a mess. My energy is all over the place and Catherine is no better. “Good.” My face must be a mess from all of the crying. I haven't cried like that in a while. Feeling a bit calmer after letting all of that out,  I rise from where I was kneeling next to  the sofa and take a seat next to Catherine. I haven’t a clue what to say right now. The silence is broken by occasional sniffles.

Catherine is the first to speak, after taking a deep breath and exhaling. “I know that rationally I’m not accountable for what happened. I know that. But I feel accountable. I feel like I was the reason you were miserable growing up. If I had died, if I had drowned in the river because your mother pulled your father out instead of me, you wouldn’t have lost anything.” 

The expression on her face is pained. I take a breath, wanting to tell her how wrong she is. She holds up a hand. 

“Let me finish. My dad basically disavowed me after that. After all, I was a bastard child and that made me poor stock or whatever. I went to your mother, Melia, and I told her everything. I think she believed me, but there wasn’t any real proof. Your mother took care of me after that and you and I grew up together but you—well the old you—you didn’t hate me, exactly, but…it always felt like you were tolerating me, just barely. Sometimes you would get mad about things, but mostly you were just despondent. Your mother tried putting us both through therapy, and it helped me, it really did. I know I was a mess over what happened and…” 

I put my hand over Catherine’s and give it a gentle squeeze. “I never thought we would be able to have an honest conversation about this, after all this time. Jeez. You never really bounced back from what happened. It just felt like a slow decline. I guess I never knew you very well before but…Claire, it’s always been hard being around you. We were supposed to stick together, but I felt like I was the reason you were so unhappy. I wanted to be there for you but when we started uni it felt like it just got worse and then that night you came back and said all that stuff and you were suddenly so different from before and I just snapped. I’m sorry.”

I pull her into a hug. Everything I could say to reassure her feels like an empty platitude, so I just hope the hug lets her know instead. “Thank you for this. For being honest and telling me everything. I know all of this has been a lot, and now that I am a different person with different memories we are both having to relive it all over again. It's surreal how much this life is like an echo of my old one. I am truly sorry for how the other me treated you.“

“You're different but you don’t feel different , if you know what I mean. It’s weird, like I see how you are now and I recognize a lot of things. Things that were there before but buried underneath all of the pain and loneliness you were dealing with. You used to bring me candy as a kid, licorice. I don’t remember when it stopped but you brought it again for me recently, the day you…changed. You might even be going a bit overboard with how much you have gotten me since then.”

“You say that, but it keeps disappearing.” I’m sure my gentle joke doesn’t quite land how I intend it to with all of the tears in my eyes.

“It’s been a week , okay? Your wife has been around a lot, and sure, she’s polite, but…” She sounds tired, but she also sounds calmer than she has in a while.

“I know, don't worry, tomorrow you will have a break. And I will work on figuring out a better schedule with Rae to give you more time alone.”

“Thanks.”

I squeeze her hand, happy that she's still here.

“So—what is my mother like now?” I ask the question I’ve been dying to ask since I first learned she was alive.

“Oh…she’s nice. Very kind and caring. She took care of me after the accident, and the two of us basically lived as sisters—”

“We are sisters.”

“Okay, cool it with the sappiness. I’ve done enough crying tonight.” She rubs her eyes. “I lived with the two of you after the accident. We moved around quite a bit. At first we stayed with your cousin, Manaria Sousse. After that we bounced around a lot, mostly living different places in Europe but eventually we ended up here in Japan after middle school. I’m not sure why it worked out that way but it was related to your mother’s business interests, I think.”

“Is she here, too?”

“Sometimes, but business often takes her out of the country. If we need something from home we can ask Lene.”

“Lene?” Lene?

“Ummm yes, do you know—”

“Yes, oh sorry, yes. She was my personal maid in my previous life. We grew up together .”

“Oh, I see.”

“Umm, so what is she like here?”

“Well, she didn’t grow up with us, if that’s what you’re asking. I wouldn’t describe her as a maid, more like a personal assistant. She maintains the house and assists you and Melia with your daily needs. She even acts as a driver when necessary.  She’s been with us for…I want to say six years? She’s also from France.”

France is a country here, right? The similarity with my name is odd. “That’s in Europe?” 

“Yes, that's where we were born.”

“Okay. So did we…I don’t know, was Lene involved in our lives very much?”

“Yeah, sort of.  Like I said, her role is to help with day-to-day life stuff. Melia has always been really busy with the business and she wanted someone to help when we moved to Japan so Lene came with us. Sometimes she cooks, sometimes she cleans, sometimes she books appointments and drives us around, whatever is needed. She found this dorm and helped us move in here, too.”

“So I can ask her for help, if we need something?”

“Yes, that’s pretty much why she’s here…why, what are you thinking of?”

Lene might know more about getting Catherine’s prosthetic fixed, right? Not that I can tell Catherine about that yet. “I’m thinking of quite a few things. If something goes wrong, we can contact her, right? Like if something breaks here in our dorm?”

“Sure, if your laptop putzs out or something, I guess. You also used to have her drive you out for shopping trips.” Catherine shrugs.

She must be in my phone then, right? I haven’t seen her name pop up in my contacts… I pull out my phone to look again. Goodness there are so many names here…. 

“Are you trying to find her in your phone?”

“Yes! Why isn’t she here?” I am making my second run through this list now!

“Let me check,” she says, reaching for the phone. I pass it to her and she flips through it several times. “Ahhhhh, I found her…you had her listed as Driver.” Catherine does not look impressed.

“ Driver ?” Really, Claire? Lene deserves so much better than that.

“Old Claire could suck sometimes, huh…”

I put my head in my hands and groan. Driver ? “I need to apologize to her. That’s so demeaning!”

“I doubt she even knows, to be honest. Old you was very possessive about your phone; you never really let people touch it, let alone use it. Here.” She hands it back to me, and I update Lene's contact to her proper name. “Sorry, we got distracted with Lene didn’t we. Did you still want to talk about your mom?”

“Yes, I… in my previous life she passed away when I was just turning six. She and my father had to attend to important business so they missed my birthday. I had gotten so upset with Mother about it that I told her…I hated her. That was the last time I saw her. It was so long ago for me…”

“Your mother is…well, she’s more caring than she has any right to be. She didn’t have to take me in after everything that happened. Sometimes she has high expectations. Sometimes it’s a little hard, and you two have def clashed a bit over that, but she does care.”

“That photo you asked me to look at…what were we doing?”

“That was before classes started here. She wanted to do one last trip with us before things got too busy with school and her business. We went back to France together for a week. I don’t think you particularly cared for it. That photo you took was because your mom insisted. You weren’t thrilled to take it but you eventually agreed, , and I guess you never actually deleted. It was hard to know what you were thinking back then.”

It’s easy enough to bring the photo up again on my phone. There are others of my Mother there too, but I keep coming back to this one. I don’t like how unenthused I look next to her, especially with the smile she has on her face.

“Do you want to see her?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

I drop the phone in my lap and fall back against the sofa cushions. “It’s terrifying, if I’m honest. I want to apologize for what I said to her here, but I don’t even know what I am apologizing for .. I don’t know what it was like between us here, after everything that happened. I only knew her as a child in my old life. And she…she will definitely notice something has changed about me when we talk…”

“Well, I don’t think you have to worry about seeing her soon if you’re not ready. I’m pretty sure she’s away on a business trip right now. You have some time before you have to see her and I think she was also trying to give you some space.”

I nod. “Thanks, Catherine. I really do appreciate you being here.”

“This is nice,” she says in reply, and I think she actually might mean it.

It really is nice.

“Sooooo I had magic that could erase memories?”

“Yeah, you would use it to make yourself invisible to people when you didn’t want them to see you.”

Catherine groans. “Damn, not going to lie, I’m really jealous of magic me.”