As they traveled clockwise around the circumference of the island, Tim filled in the rest of the group with what little he knew of Terrence. The tyrannosaurus, as Alonzo had described it the night before, was a peculiar beast, and Tim hypothesized that such peculiarities may have a connection, or at least reveal clues, to the whereabouts of the portal.

While no one seemed particularly impressed with his hypothesis, none of them had any better ideas, and most of them were at least mildly curious to check out Terrence, and maybe taunt him with thrown coconuts or something.

Even Felix and Alonzo's mood lightened as the fresh sea air diluted the fart in their lungs. While the rest of the party cowered by the water's edge, eyes and weapons fixed on the jungle, Felix and Alonzo walked confidently, weapons undrawn, on the hot, dry sand. Only Ravenus, flying ahead to tear scraps off of some disease-ridden dead fish, seemed to be as carefree as those two.

Tim nudged Julian and whispered, "Go talk to them. See if you can get them to hate us a little less, just in case."

"Why aren't you guys scared?" asked Julian, braving his way to walk alongside Felix and Alonzo. "I mean, I see you're tough, and you've obviously survived this long… But come on, man. Dinosaurs."

Way to go, Julian. Compliment their bravery, and back it up with evidence that you're not just blowing smoke up their shiny bronze asses.

Felix spared a glance at Julian like he was doing him a favor. "The predators on this island are opportunists. There are far too many of us for them to risk attacking. But to more directly answer your question, we know fear the same as any man. Learning to mask that fear is an essential part of survival."

"Like a Bluff check?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm sorry. Go on."

"If a dinosaur senses that you're afraid, she'll know it's safe to attack you. If she doesn't smell the fear on you, her tiny brain is wise enough to wonder why."

"They smell fear?"

"Worry not, young elf," said Alonzo, as if Julian was an embarrassment to his race. "However strong your fears may be, their scents are surely overpowered by your half-orc friend."

"Hey asshole," said Cooper. "I can still hear you, you know."

Tim turned his crossbow from the jungle to Cooper's loincloth. "If you say another goddamn word, I'll shoot your dick off."

"And I can still smell you!" Alonzo turned around, fists balled and trembling. His mustache twitched. He sniffed the left shoulder of his peacock feather robe. "It's all over me!"

"Alonzo, please." Felix tried to put his hand on Alonzo's shoulder.

Alonzo shrugged him off and stomped ahead along the beach. "I'm sorry, Felix. I just can't wear it anymore!" The robe fell off of his back, a pile of blue feathers on the white sand, revealing a previously hidden accessory on his outfit. Where the sides of the tiger face wrapped around his back and met, a tiger tail ran along his crack, hanging nearly as far down as the tongue on the other side.

Cooper snorted out laughter and snot. Tim just gawked, mesmerized and unable to look away.

Alonzo twirled around, his tiger tongue and tail flying outward and upward. Tim was startled at having been caught staring, and accidentally squeezed the trigger of his crossbow.

Click.

Twang.

"YEEEAAAAAOOOOOWWW!"

"Huh?" Tim was overloaded with sensory input.

"Son of a bitch!" said Cooper, both hands over his crotch. "You shot my fucking dick off!"

"Shit, man! I'm –" Tim reconsidered, thinking he might be able to score some points. He spoke sternly at Cooper. "I warned you, didn't I?" He glanced up at Alonzo and thought he might have caught a flicker of a smile before his eyes were inevitably drawn down to the tiger crotch.

Tearing his gaze away, he turned to Dave, who appeared curiously unmoved by both Cooper's howl of pain and Alonzo's dangling accessories.

"Hey! Dave!"

Dave's eyes focused on Tim. "Yeah?"

"I just shot Cooper in the dick."

"Far out."

Not quite the response Tim was aiming for. What the hell was going on with Dave?

"Well do you think you could… Hold on. Did you pray for your spells this morning?"

Dave laughed. "I'm an atheist."

"Dude! Are you still fucking high?"

Dave put his hand on top of his head, moved it forward at the same height, then brought it down to Tim's head. "Higher than you, man."

Tim slapped Dave's hand off of his head. "No shit, dude. You're higher than the goddamn Chrysler building."

"What's a Chrysler building?" asked Gilda.

Tim looked up the beach at Felix and Alonzo. "I'm sorry guys. Do you have any more of that nut butter on you?"

"What?" said Cooper. "No, really. It's not that bad." He groaned as he reached under his loincloth to remove the bolt. "It's… just a…" He dropped to his knees, wincing and groaning at a pitch only dogs should have been able to hear. "… superficial… wound." He exhaled and victoriously lifted his blood-soaked hand, holding the bolt. "See?" He panted a few times. "Good as new."

"You waste our time with your childish antics," said Alonzo, apparently still bitter about his fart-infused robe. "My rod shan't polish itself."

Tim and Julian shared a brief glance, but inappropriate laughter, it seemed, was easier to avoid when you've just watched a man mutilate his own genitals.

"Just ahead of us," said Felix. "Under that cliff, is where you can find Terrence. Our obligation fulfilled, we wish you good day."

Tim looked ahead. The land rose gradually. In the distance, it appeared as if a chunk of the island had collapsed into the sea, leaving a rockier stretch of beach and a sheer cliff face. The way the beach curved around, however, obscured the part where Terrence must have been keeping his strange vigil. Not being able to see the dinosaur made him even more nervous.

"You're not even a little curious about what we might discover?"

Felix looked down his nose at him. "We have wasted too many hours trying to coax Terrence into turning his back so that we might penetrate his hole."

"Um…" said Cooper. "Are we all talking about the same thing?"

"We have tried everything there is to try regarding Terrence, short of letting him eat us. I have no doubt in my mind that your band of buffoons will find a way to kill yourselves without our further assistance."

Tim wasn't sure why he wanted these two to stay so badly, except that he was shit scared of facing another T-rex without them.

Julian either felt the same way Tim did, or was picking up on his panic. "Well wouldn't you want to at least see that?"

Felix looked at Alonzo, who nodded enthusiastically. "Very well."

Cooper rose shakily to his feet, leaving behind a brown and red stew on the formerly pristine white sand. "Let's get this over with. I'm feeling a little lightheaded."

"As you should," said Alonzo. "It appears you left the contents of your head on the beach."

Felix raised his eyebrows. "Alonzo!"

Alonzo grinned sheepishly, pleased with himself for what was evidently an uncharacteristic zinger.

Felix clawed at the air. "MeeYOW!"

"So…" said Tim. "Terrence?"

Felix rolled his eyes. "Come on."

As they moved further up the beach, it became clear that, if Terrence really existed and really stood in the same place all the time, they weren't going to see him until they were nearly right on top of him. Tim started to have second thoughts.

"Is no one else in the least bit concerned that there's allegedly a tyrannosaurus just on the other side of those rocks?"

Julian shrugged. "I was apprehensive about it when we were a little further back on the beach, but not so much now."

"And why is that?"

"Because there are only three ways this can play out," Julian explained. "Either Terrence doesn't exist, in which case he presents no danger."

Felix shook his head and laughed to himself.

Julian continued. "Or he exists just as these gentlemen described him, in which case he doesn't pose a threat as long as we don't get too close."

"Option C is what concerns me," said Tim.

Julian nodded. "He exists, but is not as stationary as was stated."

"That's the one."

"Yes," said Julian. "Well if that's the case, then we're just plain…"

"Fucked?" suggested Cooper.

"Thank you, Cooper," said Julian. "Precisely the word I was looking for. We passed the point at which we could still hope to have time to flee into the jungle a while back, so there's not much point in worrying about it now."

Tim was surprised to find himself actually a little comforted by that appeal to logic.

Felix stopped, turned around, and addressed the group. "Gentlemen, lady." He nodded politely to Gilda. "I present to you, Terrence." He looked to his left.

Cooper walked up to Felix and looked to the side. "Holy fucknuggets!"

Dave waddled ahead, barely aware of his own existence. He glanced up in Terrence's direction. "Sweet."

"I'm afraid," said Gilda, grasping hold of Alonzo's hand, to Tim's inexplicable annoyance.

Alonzo smiled down at her. "You needn't worry, my dear. Terrence shan't harm you if you keep your distance."

Tim stomped ahead of them and looked up, and then up some more. As advertised, a huge tyrannosaurus stood motionless in front of the cliff face. It was at least fifty percent bigger than the one that had chased them the day before.

"Hey!" shouted Cooper. "Shithead! Down here!"

Tim's heart pounded. He gave Cooper a look like he was going to shoot him in the junk again. "Knock it off!"

"Calm yourself, halfling," said Felix. "Even your friend's abject stupidity is no match for this great beast's stubborn unwillingness to move."

Tim peered between the dinosaur's legs at a fracture at the base of the cliff. There was a gap wide enough to walk through, though the crumbly nature of the terrain made that ill-advised. Squinting harder, trying to ignore the giant carnivorous lizard looming over him, he thought he could see a faint blue glow from deep within the gap.

"Is there a light coming from in there?"

Felix hunkered down next to Tim. "Where?"

"Right there, inside the cave," said Tim. "You can only just barely make it out."

Felix squinted. "I don't think so. Maybe. It's too difficult to tell from here."

"The portal's got to be in that cave!" said Tim. "Don't you see? That's our ticket out of this hellhole. And Terrence here is a test."

"A test?"

"Yeah. He was put here to guard the portal. If we solve the puzzle, he'll move."

"Puzzle?"

"Sure!" said Tim. "I'll bet you anything that old Boswell put him here with some kind of spell."

"Let me Detect Magic on him," said Julian. His eyes glowed white as he looked up at the dinosaur. "Yeah, he's magical all right."

"Let's just kill it," said Cooper.

Tim rolled his eyes and laughed. "I don't really think the puzzle is going to be that easy to solve."

"Fuck the puzzle. I've got a hole in my sack, and I'd like to get back home and get that sorted out. We know magical creatures can be killed. Julian's killed enough magical horses to fill hell's stables ten times over."

"Just let me think about it for a moment, and if we can't come up with –"

"Eat a dick, Terrence!" Cooper shouted, and a chunk of rock about the size of his head flew forward, striking the dinosaur on the right leg. It bounced off of its skin and landed on the ground next to it. Terrence didn't even seem to notice.

"Well that's odd," said Tim. He loaded his crossbow and fired a bolt right into Terrence's undefended belly. It bounced off and landed in front of him. "He must have a hell of a flat-footed Armor Class."

"What's an Armor Class?" Gilda asked Alonzo. Alonzo shrugged.

"Ravenus!" said Tim. "Julian, where's Ravenus?"

"I left him back at that bloated whale corpse we passed half an hour ago."

"Get him over here. He got rid of the last T-rex. Maybe he can get rid of this one."

"I don't know," said Julian. "This isn't a regular dinosaur. I don't want to subject Ravenus to any unnecessary risk before we know more about what this thing is."

"There's no risk," said Tim. "We're just experimenting. Have him do a couple of fly-by's and we'll see what happens."

Julian folded his arms. "I can't reach him right now. He's out of range."

"Bullshit," said Tim. "If Cooper starts beating the shit out of you, I bet he'll come flying back."

"I'm not going to beat the shit out of Julian," said Cooper. As an afterthought, he added, "Dave should get a pet bird."

Dave nodded slowly. "That'd be awesome."

"I'm not bullshitting you," said Julian. "If we're more than a mile away from each other, we lose our empathic link."

"Julian!" screeched Ravenus, flying in from over the sea.

Julian looked at his feet. "Shit."

"Look out, sir! There's a dinosaur right in front of you!"

Julian looked up and waved. "Thank you, Ravenus. We saw him."

"No worries, sir! I'll take care of him!" He flew wide around to come at Terrence from the side and slightly above. The trajectory he was in would take him buzzing past the back of the dinosaur's head.

"No, Ravenus," Julian called out. "It's too dangerous. Wait until we –"

"BWAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Ravenus screeched as he started his dive, apparently hoping to annoy the beast to death.

"Stop, Ravenus!" Julian yelled. "Pull up!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—"

Terrence's head whipped around a full one hundred and eighty degrees to snatch Ravenus out of the air. In a fraction of a second, before the echoes of the bird's battle cry had faded, Terrence's head had sprung back into its proper, forward-facing position, and he stood silently again, like a giant reptilian Buddhist monk.

Tim was in some deep shit.

"He's gone," Julian finally said.

"Dude," said Tim. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think –"

"It doesn't make sense."

"I know you must be –"

"It makes perfect sense," said Dave.

"Jesus Christ, Dave," said Tim. "Not now, okay?"

"It's just like in the movie," Dave continued. "You know how the dinosaurs had the frog DNA, so they could switch gender and populate the island?"

Tim caught a glimpse of Felix and Alonzo looking questioningly down at Gilda, like maybe this was a dwarf thing. She shrugged. Dave kept talking.

"Well dinosaurs are the ancestors of modern birds, right? So it makes sense that they'd share some of the same DNA."

"Man, I don't know where you're going with this, but now is not the –"

"Some species of birds, like owls, can swivel their heads all the way around to their backs, so–"

"So who gives a fuck?" said Tim.

"Just let me finish my thought."

"No!" said Tim. "Look, I see where you're going with this, and I'll grant you it makes about as much sense as that frog DNA bullshit in the movie, but nobody gives a hot, steamy dino-shit right now about how Terrence was able to turn his head around. Our friend is in pain."

"That's the part that doesn't make sense," said Julian. "I feel fine."

Tim wasn't familiar with the recognized stages of grief that people were supposed to go through, but he didn't think 'indifference' was on the list. He wanted to proceed carefully, but also be straightforward.

"Your familiar just died, man. Maybe you're in shock or something, but when it hits you, it's gonna hit hard. And I think you'll lose some Experience Points. I just want you to know that –"

Julian looked down at Tim. "I don't think he's dead."

Denial. That was definitely one of the stages. "Dude, he just got eaten by a dinosaur. We all saw it."

"He could have been swallowed whole," suggested Cooper. "Maybe he's still being digested."

"Cooper!" snapped Tim. "Not helping!"

Julian shook his head. "It's not that either. If that was the case, I'd feel his pain. I'd feel him suffocating. But I don't feel anything."

"Maybe you're just a heartless son of a bitch," said Cooper.

Tim glared at Cooper. "Still not helping!"

"It feels more like when our empathic link gets cut," said Julian. "Like when he flies out of –" He dropped to his knees and grabbed Tim by the shoulders. "That's it!"

"What's it?" said Tim. "What just happened?"

Julian spun Tim around and yanked his head back, so that he was staring up at the dinosaur. "Terrence!"

Tim raised a hand and waved at Terrence. "Sup?"

"No, you fool!" said Julian, spinning Tim around to face him again. "Don't you see? Terrence isn't guarding the portal. Terrence is the portal!"

"I don't know, man," said Tim. "That sounds a little farfetched to me."

Julian turned to Cooper and Dave. "What do you guys think?"

"Uh…" said Cooper.

"Awesome!" said Dave.

"Who gives a shit what they think?" said Tim. "Cooper's an idiot and Dave's still high as fuck."

"I think it's a perfectly plausible theory," Alonzo called out.

"Well there you go," said Julian, looking smugly down at Tim.

"Do I have to remind you that he straight up said that he wanted to see us get eaten by dinosaurs?"

"Is there no one that you trust?"

"Enough to convince me to go leaping into a tyrannosaurus's mouth? No. No one comes to mind."

Julian looked past Tim and nodded toward the sea. "What about that guy?"

Tim turned around. The beach was empty. "Who the hell are you talk—" Shit! He used his Bluff skill! By the time he turned back around, Julian was sprinting, having already covered about a third of the distance between him and Terrence. Tim couldn't hope to catch Julian with his little legs, but Cooper might be able to.

"Cooper!" Tim cried. "Get him!"

Cooper was facing the wrong way, squinting toward the beach. "I can't even fucking see him. Where is he?"

"Not him! Julian!"

"Huh?" Cooper turned around. "Oh shit!" He displaced about ten pounds of sand as he took off after Julian. "Dude! Stop! Are you fucking crazy?"

For all his faults, Cooper could run like a motherfucker. It would be close, but Tim estimated that Cooper might reach Julian just in the nick of time to save him.

Julian looked back over his shoulder, and evidently came up with the same estimate. "Horse!" A second later, Julian was mounted on a beige stallion.

Cooper stopped running. "Come on, man. Don't kill yourself over a goddamn bird."

"Ravenus is alive," said Julian. "He's going to come looking for me. If I don't get there before he flies out of range, I may really lose him forever." He looked up at Terrence, aligned his horse, and whipped down the reins. "Yah!"

The horse bolted toward the dinosaur at full gallop while Tim stood helplessly and watched.

As any idiot could have predicted, as soon as Julian got close enough, the giant tyrannosaurus bent over, quick as a bolt of lightning, and ate both Julian and horse in a single bite.

Tim hurled his empty coconut shell at Terrence, who was standing upright once again. "Stupid, stubborn bastard. Died like he lived."

"How's that?" asked Cooper.

"Killing horses."

Cooper let out a small, listless snort of a laugh, and an equally unenthusiastic fart.

"I don't think he's dead," said Dave.

Tim balled up his tiny fists. "Well look who finally got his head out of the fucking clouds. Thank you so much for your opinion, Mr. Cheech and Chong."

"Those are actually two people, you know."

"That's exactly the sort of reasoning that just got Julian killed. What do you want to do? Keep chasing each other into Terrence's mouth like he's the old lady who swallowed the fly?"

"Ah ha!" said Dave. "And what finally did the old lady in?"

"I don't know," said Tim. "A horse?"

"That's right. And what did Terrence just swallow?"

"Terrence is a goddamn fifty foot tall tyrannosaurus! The old woman was a fucking… old woman! It stands to reason that she'd die if she tried to swallow a horse."

"The bird was stretching the limits of credibility."

"Was there a point to any of this?"

"Terrence is big, sure," said Dave. "But big enough to swallow a whole horse and an elf at the same time? No screaming? No blood? Come on."

Tim looked at the sand under Terrence. Not even a speck of red to be seen. "I want to believe he's alive. But I'm not willing to gamble my own life on it."

"I'll prove it to you. Give me your rope and crossbow."

Tim dug through his bag, pulled out his fifty foot coil of rope, and handed the rope and crossbow over to Dave. "What are you doing?"

"The Teleport rules state that all items in your possession go with you." Dave tied one end of the rope to Tim's crossbow and handed it back to him. "I'll hold the other end of this rope. The rope is clearly in my possession. The crossbow is in yours. If the rope disappears, you know I successfully teleported. If the crossbow gets yanked out of your hand, well…"

"Fuck that," said Tim, untying the rope from his crossbow.

"Where's the flaw in my plan?" asked Dave.

"No flaws," said Tim. "It's a great plan. But if you're wrong, I'm going to need my crossbow. Give me your mace."

"I wish you weren't gambling on me dying."

"I'm just hedging my bets."

"Fair enough." Dave handed over his mace.

Tim tied a simple knot around Dave's mace. "Dave, are you sure you want to do this? This is usually the sort of stupid idea that you argue with Julian about."

"Julian usually turns out to be right. I believe him."

"You're sure you're not just still high?"

"A little. So I'd like to get this done before I come down completely from the Gindo weed."

"Dave," said Cooper.

Dave looked up at Cooper. "Yeah."

"You got any coin you want to leave behind?"

Dave looked down at Tim again. "I'll give you fifteen minutes alone with him, and you'll be looking for any dinosaur's mouth to jump into."

"Oh sure," said Cooper. "When Tim says it, he's being practical. When I say it, I'm an asshole."

Dave inhaled and exhaled hard a few times. "Okay, I'm going to do this before I lose my nerve." He turned around and started running toward Terrence.

If time was a factor for Dave losing his nerve, he had plenty of it.

"This is excruciating," said Cooper.

"It's like ripping off a Band Aid with a glacier," said Tim.

"I feel like I should make a sandwich or something while we wait."

As the rope slowly uncoiled, Tim gripped the shaft of Dave's mace tighter. He held it out in front of him horizontally, one hand on each end, careful not to touch the knot in the middle. As Dave approached the danger zone, Tim had to force himself to watch. Though doubts crept into his mind, he also forced himself not to call out for Dave to turn back.

Just as Dave reached the end of the horse tracks, Terrence's great head swooped down to pick him up. And just like that, Tim was stuck in a fantasy world with still one less friend.

"Fuckin' A!" said Cooper.

"I know you and Dave weren't the best of friends, but it takes a special kind of piece of shit to celebrate –"

"Dude, the rope's gone!"

Tim had lost focus of the entire purpose of this exercise. He focused his teary eyes on the shaft of Dave's mace. Cooper was right. The rope was gone, and Tim hadn't felt so much as a tug.

He looked up at Cooper. "It worked!"

"Sweet! Who's next?"

"Rock Paper Scissors?"

"Sure."

Tim and Cooper each held out a fist.

"On three," said Tim. "One. Two. Three." Tim laid his hand flat, expecting Cooper to play Rock.

Cooper was nothing if not predictable, and kept his fist balled on the final count. "Shit."

"See you on the other side, Coop."

Cooper turned toward Terrence, hiked up the back of his loincloth, and grabbed both ass cheeks.

Tim averted his eyes. "Jesus, dude! What the hell are you doing?"

"Holding onto my butts."

Cooper ran toward his possible death with all of the grace and dignity that could be expected from him, ass cheeks firmly in hands and shouting obscenities. The whole island seemed awash with serenity when Terrence scooped him up.

Tim turned to Gilda, who was standing between the two scantily clad elves. "You coming?"

Gilda frowned and shook her head. "I'm staying here, with Felix and Alonzo."

"Are you sure?"

Gilda nodded.

"I'm just concerned they might not be able to… you know… satisfy you."

Alonzo took a threatening step toward him, his tiger tongue swung forward and back. "Speak plainly, halfling!" He looked pissed.

Shit. Where the hell is Julian's Diplomacy when you need it? "Look, man. I'm sorry. It's just that she's a young woman with certain… you know… needs, which I thought that maybe you two wouldn't be able to provide for, on account of being… you know…"

"Are you hearing what I'm hearing, Felix?" said Alonzo.

"His ingratitude knows no bounds."

"Hey!" said Tim. "I didn't mean to –"

"Unlace your breeches, halfling," challenged Alonzo. "I'm keen to see what provisions you have to offer such a woman as this."

As all of Tim's blood rushed to his face, he saw that Felix's was rushing in the other direction while Gilda caressed the inside of his thigh. The dead mink was beginning to come back to life.

"I'm sorry, Tim," said Gilda. "I didn't want you to have to find out like this, but you speak with no shame."

"Find out what?"

"Felix and Alonzo satisfied me just fine while the rest of you were sleeping last night."

"Seriously?"

Gilda nodded, her arms wrapped around Felix's leg. Felix's jaw hung open while the mink continued to rise.

"At the same time?"

Alonzo stepped back next to Gilda, who ran a hand up his leg. His tiger tongue started to inflate like a clown balloon.

"What? Like, rotisserie style?"

Gilda shot him a half-confused glare. "I think you should go now, Tim."

Tim nodded fervently. If he didn't get out of here before that mink's mouth was forced open, he'd have to claw his own eyes out. "Shit, this is awkward. I'm really sorry. I hope you all enjoy your lives together. Um… bye!"

He turned and ran for Terrence like he was the last lifeboat on a sinking ship. He didn't even see the giant maw snap him up. He just suddenly found himself floating in darkness.

Correction. He was falling in darkness. He flailed his little arms and legs helplessly around, grasping for something to hold onto.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIII—" he stopped falling.

"Easy there, big guy," said Cooper. "I've got –"

Clunk.

"Fuck!" Cooper dropped Tim onto the hard, stone floor. "What the fuck was – Oh. Dave, I found your mace."

"Oh, good. Thanks. I was afraid you might have left it –"

Smash.

Neigh.

"Son of a...!" said Dave, from a little further away. Can you please get rid of the goddamn horse?"

"Sorry!" said Julian. "He's spooked. He just fell from a height."

"Where are we?" asked Tim. Unlike most of his friends, he was unable to see in the dark.

"It looks like some kind of disused sewer reservoir," said Dave. "If we're back in Cardinia, that probably puts us pretty close to the site of the collapse."

Tim stood up, an inch of moist, old shit squishing between his toes. "That explains the smell. You know, that fucking Boswell is a real piece of work."

"How's that?" asked Julian.

"Think about it. You insult him in the slightest way, and he sends you off to some dinosaur infested island in the middle of nowhere. He sets up the exit portal to look like a giant T-rex, so you have to be near suicidal to take advantage of it. And then if you do, you get dumped into the sewer."

"What a fucking dick," said Cooper.

Tim shook some of the shit off of his sleeves. "Well the joke's on him. The Whore's Head Inn is in the Collapsed Sewer District. He pretty much dropped us off right at home."

"Yeah," said Julian. "I'm sure learning that would give him a real sting."

"Let's just get the hell out of here. I've got some memories I need to suppress with booze."

Dave's heavy boots squished on the shit-coated brickwork. "Follow me. There's a slightly inclining tunnel this way. Should lead to the surface."

Ten minutes later, Cooper punched his way through a hastily constructed wooden barricade, and the stink of the sewer gave way to the more familiar stink of urine, vomit, and booze. They were home.

Julian released Ravenus into the grey sky, for whatever bird-related business he had to take care of.

Unlike the sun-soaked tropical paradise they had just come from, it was dreary and drizzly in Cardinia, for which Tim was thankful. He recognized the part of the neighborhood they'd surfaced in, and knew of a good broken gutter between there and the Whore's Head Inn where he could get a nice hobo shower.

"I thought you were dead back there," Cooper confided to Julian as they splashed through the puddles forming on the mostly deserted streets of the Collapsed Sewer District. "And I thought about what you said yesterday on the beach."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," said Cooper. "So you're saying Ravenus doesn't have a dick?"

Julian sighed. "He has a cloaca."

"Like a vag, right?"

"Fine, Cooper. If that's how you want to think about it."

"That explains so much."

"Did you think about the other thing we talked about back on the beach? The important thing?"

"What?" Cooper's face scrunched up, like it was painful to try to think. "Oh, you mean that shit about MP3s?"

"When the hell did I even mention… Jesus, Cooper! I said EMPATHY! Did you even hear a single word I said?"

"Sorry, man!" said Cooper defensively. "I thought you were gonna start going on about some shitty band you were into, so I was tuning you out."

"Could you just not talk to me for, like, a week?" Julian stomped ahead at a faster pace.

"I said I was sorry," Cooper called after him. "I'm glad you're not dead."

"Give him some time," Tim said, taking Julian's place next to Cooper. "He's been through a lot today. We all have."

"I don't know what I would have done if he'd died for real." Cooper sniffed, but Tim couldn't tell if there was anything emotional about it, or if it was just part of the ever-present mucous that came with having a Charisma Score of 4.

Tim looked up at Cooper, searching for some betrayal of whatever he was feeling. "You okay, man?"

Cooper hung his head. "My dick hurts."


Julian squinted from beneath the brim of his sombrero and peered into the bartender's eyes. He bit his lower lip and nodded shrewdly. It was important to seem casually interested, but not too eager. A puff of cigar smoke would have rounded out the effect he was going for, but he was all out of smokes. "Please allow me a moment to discuss the matter with my companions."

The bartender was human, but as brawny as any orc. His long, greasy dark hair was pulled back into a low ponytail. Most of his chest and arms, exposed by a brown-and-yellow-stained wife beater, was covered in poorly rendered tattoos. He turned his head to spit on the floor, then faced Julian again. Something behind the bar shuffled excitedly as it lapped up the treat. Julian sometimes wished his elven ears weren't quite so keen.Ravenus, sensing his unease, dug his talons into Julian's shoulder.

Gripping the edge of his serape tightly, Julian resisted the urge to reach over the bar and wipe away beads of brown spittle still remaining on the man's beard.He concealed a shudder in the motion of a polite bow. "Excuse us."

Julian turned around to find Dave twirling the end of his beard around his finger, Tim impatiently toying with the hip flask in his pocket, and Cooper clawing at some grey gunk in his armpit. "Okay, guys. Huddle up."

When everyone leaned in, Cooper's breath hit Julian's nostrils like a garbage truck fart. Their vast differences in size meant that everyone had to bend or kneel down to Tim's height, which earned them odd looks from the bar's other patrons. Huddling wasn't going to be conducive to a productive conversation. "Second thought. Let's step outside." He turned back to the bartender. "We'll be right back"

The bartender spat on the floor again and continued looking down at it as a second creature contested the first for the prize. After a bit of hissing, scraping, and a thud which shook the stonepiss bottle on top of the bar, the victor commenced licking. The bartender grinned down at whatever it was.

Julian smiled politely before escorting his friends out the door.

"Fucking hell!" said Tim, shielding his eyes like the sun was trying to physically punch him in the face. It was easy to forget how nice a day it was outside, or even that nice days were a thing, when inside a place like the Rock Bottom pub. It had that old familiar bar musk, like centuries old wood steeped in blood, smoke, and ass.

The sight of Tim taking a swig from his flask was one that, no matter how often Julian saw it, he couldn't get used to. He looked like a stocky, alcoholic twelve-year-old.

"Don't look at me like that," said Tim. "It's bound to be afternoon by now."

"I guess I should thank you for not actually drinking that inside the establishment." He looked up at Cooper. "And thank you all for not talking while I was conducting business."

"What's the job?" asked Dave, already sounding suspicious.

"It sounds absolutely perfect for us," said Julian, trying to sound chipper. "He'll pay us fifty gold pieces to bring him this guy named…" He cleared his throat before mumbling, "Barlow the Butcher."

Tim choked on his stonepiss. "Are you out of your fucking mind? What about any of what you just said sounds perfect?"

"He wants the guy alive," said Julian. "It's good money, and we don't have to get our hands dirty."

"Barlow the goddamn Butcher?"

"I asked about that. It turns out he's an actual butcher. Just a regular guy.There's four of us –"

"Ahem," said Ravenus.

"Sorry, five of us, and only one of him. Between my Charisma, your Intelligence, Cooper's Strength, and… um…Dave…We can nab this guy."

Cooper scratched his head, like he was digging for something inside his giant half-orc skull. "If it's that easy, why would he pay us?"

"You see?" said Dave. "Even Cooper can see the problem here, and he's borderline retarded."

"Hey! Fuck you, Dave!"

"No offense."

Cooper poked out his big bottom lip and crossed his arms. "All right, then."

"Cooper's right," said Tim. "Dude looks like a prison rapist. Hard as fucking nails. Why would he need our help to chase down some butcher?"

Julian smiled and shook his head. "I can't believe you guys can't see what's going on here. I'm supposed to be the newbie…nooby? Am I saying that right?"

Dave narrowed his eyes at Julian. "What are you getting at?"

Julian cocked a thumb back at the bar. "That guy in there. He's a quest giver. The gold, the Experience Points, that's not coming out of his pocket. It's all just an arbitrary reward doled out by the game."

"Hmph," said Dave. "Game logic. It's like those old Nintendo RPGs where the guy at the weapon shop had the Sword of Ultimate Power that you needed to defeat the Demon Lord as part of his standard inventory, but the dude wouldn't sell it to you if you were short by one gold piece even though you were the only person standing in the way of a worldwide cataclysm."

"Exactly," Julian said, only peripherally aware of what Dave was talking about.

Tim laughed. "My favorites were the quests where some asshole would send you out to collect ten wolf teeth or some shit, and then you kill like six dozen wolves who haven't got ten fucking teeth between them, like they'd all been gumming you to death."

"That's right," said Julian, thinking he might have been better off spending less of his youth reading books and more of it playing video games. He was out of his element.

Cooper snorted. "Or when a big-ass frog the size of a fucking car jumps out onto the road, and assholes don't even slow down."

Julian pursed his lips. "Um… I guess that kinda works."

"But this isn't some 90s-era video game," said Tim. "Grab your big, goofy ears and you'll find that they're just as real as my tiny halfling dick."

"We could at least check it out," said Dave.

"Are you kidding me?" said Tim. "You were against this idea not two minutes ago. You're supposed to be wise."

"The game logic thing makes sense.We've been in enough situations in this world that wouldn't make a whole lot of sense in the real world."

Tim balled up his little fist. "Don't you see? We're in one right now!" He continued facing Dave, but pointed accusingly at Julian. "He's using his Diplomacy skill on you to undermine your Wisdom and make you think stupid things."

Julian would deny this if asked point blank, but thought it best to remain silent otherwise.

"I'm not saying we should go through with the whole thing," said Dave. "I'm just saying we could get the address and stake the place out. Make an informed decision whether or not to carry on from there."

Tim shook his head. "This is bullshit." He looked up at Cooper. "You've been awful quiet. What do you think?"

Cooper scratched his ass thoughtfully. "Are there dire frogs in the Monster Manual?"

Tim took a deep swig from his flask. "This is so fucking stupid."

Julian offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'll just pop back in and get the address then, shall I?"


Two hours later they were standing at the edge of a district of Cardinia known as Shallow Grave.

While the Collapsed Sewer District was a dismal, lawless shithole, the actual sewer collapse, and resulting shift in demographics, were relatively recent. Organized crime hadn't yet had a chance to take much of a foothold in the area. Frank had referred to it as Chaotic Neutral, which he said made it a good place for the likes of them.

Shallow Grave, on the other hand, was what Frank had described as Lawful Evil. He'd told them it was the one part of town they'd do well to avoid, a point that Tim had brought up several times during the long walk there.

It was usually difficult to tell exactly the point where one district ended and another began, but when dusk set in unexpectedly early, the buildings were all a uniform shade of grim, the air took on an abandoned hospital scent, and there was a noticeably higher concentration of orcs mulling around (as well as a complete absence of Kingsguard), Julian suspected they had reached their destination.

Aside from the occasional rat or stray cat digging through rancid garbage, the only sounds to be heard were their own hollow footsteps against the long neglected street.

"I guess we're here," said Julian. If he were in a car, he'd have locked his doors.

"How the fuck did we get to Detroit?" asked Cooper.

"The streets aren't marked," Tim observed. He hadn't yet drunk enough to steady the quiver in his voice. "How are we supposed to find the address?"

Julian had dreaded this moment. "There isn't, um… I wasn't actually given an address. He just told me to go to Shallow Grave and ask around."

Everyone stopped. Julian felt the pressure of his friends' stares on top of the yellow-eyed stares of the locals. He hadn't felt this uncomfortable since his high-school girlfriend's father, who had apparently not been informed of his being Jewish, asked him over a family dinner when he'd been 'saved'. It was a short-lived relationship.

Dave put his hands on his hips. "That isn't something you thought you should share with the rest of us before coming here?"

"I was curious!" said Julian. "I've never seen Shallow Grave, and I thought it would be okay in the daytime."

Cooper looked up at the overcast sky. "I don't think this place has daytime."

"That's just great," said Tim. "A butcher with no butcher shop. I guess he freelances." He tilted his head back, opened his mouth wide, and poured the last few remaining drops of stonepiss onto his tongue.

Julian frowned down at Tim. "Have you considered the thought that you might have a drinking problem?"

Tim jiggled his empty flask upside down. "Well I've sure as shit got one now, don't I?" He scanned the row of buildings up the right side of the street. "I'm going to see if I can get a refill. That looks like a general store next to the… Well fuck me. How did we miss that?"

Julian had been doing his best to avoid making eye contact with the locals, and had therefore missed out on most of the storefronts as well. He followed Tim's gaze to a sign above an open doorway. The once-white paint was cracked on the mildewed and rain-warped wood, and there were no words, but the pictures painted on it made clear the purpose of the shop. The heads of a cow, a pig, a goat, several types of fowl, and a few animals that Julian couldn't make out were painted in rusty brown, likely with the blood of each animal represented.

Julian started walking, but Tim grabbed him by the serape.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"It's a butcher shop," said Julian. "I'm going to ask if they know a guy named Barlow."

"When you go into a butcher shop, you order meat. You don't order butchers. They're not going to wrap the fucker up in brown paper and hand him to you over the counter."

"I wasn't going to order him," said Julian. "I was just going in to gather information."

"You don't Gather Information," said Tim. "I Gather Information."

"You're the one who declared me the 'face of the party', remember? I've got the highest Charisma score, so I've always got to be the one to do all the talking. Ring any bells?"

Tim slipped his empty flask into his inner vest pocket. "But you don't have any ranks in the Gather Information skill."

"It's just asking a question," Julian argued. "Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I might find a Mr. Barlow the Butcher?"

"Perfect," said Tim. "Sounds like a great way to get us all murdered while tipping off Barlow the Butcher that someone's put a price on his head."

"So what are you going to do differently?"

Tim folded his arms and looked smugly up at Julian. "I'm going to be coy, cunning. I'll make use of innuendo, double entendres, mixed signals, and the like until I know whether or not it's safe to pry further and ask more direct questions. Anyone can ask a simple question. It takes skill points, however, to Gather Information."

Julian shrugged. "Fine."

"Give me a couple of silver pieces, would you?"

"What for?"

"I may have to grease a few palms. It's all a delicate balance of knowing who, when, and how much."

"Yeah, yeah," said Julian. He reached under his serape into his belt pouch and fished out three silver pieces, which he slapped into Tim's waiting palm. "Be careful in there."

Tim nodded, then scampered giddily across the street and into the general store.

Julian shook his head. "That sneaky little shit."

A minute later, Tim reappeared in the doorway of the general store sipping from his freshly topped up flask, then walked into the butcher shop next door. It was probably for the best that he got his drink. He didn't have as high a Charisma score as Julian's, and he tended to get mouthy when he was cranky.

Somewhere in the alley on the other side of the general store, a cat moaned like it was calling out for the sweet release of death. Julian felt Ravenus getting fidgety on his shoulder.

"Sir," said Ravenus. "As long as we're all just standing around, would –"

"Go do your thing," said Julian, not wanting to hear the gory details. Ravenus launched off his shoulder like someone had fired the starting pistol. As much as he cared for Ravenus, he sometimes wished he could feed him normal bird snacks, like grapes or crackers or whatever.

"Don't fly off too far," Julian called out as Ravenus disappeared into the alley.

Julian, Dave, and even Cooper winced as the cat let out its final, disease-ridden, mortal feline cry.

Julian shrugged. "Bird's gotta eat."

Dave shivered. "I wish Tim would hurry the hell up. I don't like this neighborhood."

"Too many orcs for your liking?" asked Julian.

"I know where you're going with this," said Dave. "Don't even start on one of your lectures. Every big city has areas that are best avoided. If that happens to correlate with a predominant ethnic demographic, then…" It was fun to watch Dave squirm. "This isn't even the same thing as…" He tugged on his beard, then looked Julian in the eye. "You should know this better than any of us."

"Oh? And how's that?"

"You're the one who got mugged at gunpoint in New Orleans last New Year's Eve."

"Not by fucking orcs!" Julian paused to reflect on what he'd just said. If there was an analogy to be made, it was quickly slipping away from him.

"Would you stupid assholes keep your voices down?" said Tim.

Dave jumped. "Oh, hey Tim. I didn't hear you approach."

"I'm sneaky. That's kinda my thing."

"How'd it go in there?" asked Julian. "Did you Gather any Information?"

"I'm not exactly sure what happened in there," Tim admitted. "I either ordered six pounds of pork chops, or I put out a hit on a prominent family of gnomes."

"How does that even –"

"Keep your panties on. I got an address."

Cooper looked skyward, like something caught his eye. "Where the fuck is your bird going?"

Julian looked up just in time to catch a black mass flying eastward disappear behind a building. "Damn it, Ravenus." He shook his head. "The one thing I asked him not to do."

"Don't sweat it," said Tim. "We're headed that way anyway." He took a swig from his flask, turned around, and started walking, leading the group deeper into Shallow Grave.

"That's the one," said Tim after they'd walked a few blocks and turned a corner.

Contrary to Dave, Julian grew more and more uneasy the farther they went specifically because of the lack of people staring at them, orc or otherwise. This part of town looked utterly abandoned. Storefronts were boarded up. No windows were lit. The only sounds came from dark alleys, the scurrying of creatures that Julian hoped were only rats.

Cooper frowned. "That don't look like no butcher shop."

"It doesn't even look finished," said Dave.

The building Tim had indicated was not hard to pick out. It was easily the tallest structure in this part of town, at least five stories high with a sixth possibly in the works. It was difficult to tell for sure, because the entire exterior of the building was obscured by scaffolding.

Julian tried to imagine what this place might have looked like in rosier times, presumably before it became known as Shallow Grave. Clean streets, open shops, bustling crowds, an impressive new building in the works. "I wonder what happened here."

"I think it's pretty obvious," said Dave. "It got overrun with –" In response to Julian's glare, he paused to consider how best to finish his sentence. "–crime."

In the past, the thick-beamed scaffolding must have been sturdy enough to hold teams of dwarven stonemasons, but closer inspection betrayed its age and neglect. The bamboo looked as porous as an old sponge, the rotted safety nets as fragile as fine lace. In its current state, Julian wouldn't trust it to support the weight of the termites which had no doubt eaten through most of the wooden platforms.

"There's a faint light coming from one of the third floor windows," whispered Tim. "I'll bet that's where Barlow's holed up."

Dave quietly cleared his throat. "I'd like to remind everyone that we don't actually have to go through with this. We can all turn around and walk away right now."

A caw and the cry of another dying cat rang out in the still air, causing all four of them to jump.

Julian laughed nervously. "Just Ravenus."

"How much cat can that fucking bird eat?" asked Cooper.

"He's got a high metabolism," said Julian. "Flying takes a lot out of you."

Tim scratched his head. "Not a whole cat's worth in the space of less than an hour, even if it is half starved. It sounds like he's just killing for sport now."

"He doesn't like his meat too fresh," said Julian, scrambling for some justification for his familiar's sudden bloodlust. "Stray cats are plentiful enough around here. Maybe he's just eating their eyes and moving on to the next one."

Tim gawked at Julian. "That doesn't sound…hmm, what's the word…completely fucking psychotic to you?"

Julian wanted to come to Ravenus's defense. He wanted to tell Tim to go screw himself. But what if Tim was right? Psychosis could explain why he hadn't felt any change in Ravenus's emotions. No sense of regret. Not even a rush of adrenaline during the kill. Could Ravenus have gone all Hannibal Lecter on him?

"I'm uh… I… I'm just gonna go see what he's up to," said Julian. He nodded up at the illuminated third floor window. "You guys decide what you want to do about that."

He jogged across the street, where the sound of cat murder had come from. He entered the narrow alley made narrower by garbage bins leaking pungent slime into the rivulets between uneven cobblestones.

Not wanting to draw too much unwanted attention, he whispered into the alley, "Ravenus?"

He was answered by the familiar sound of flapping wings, but Ravenus didn't come out to meet him. The sound was moving away. Julian ran into the alley, but he was too late. All he saw was the shredded, disemboweled remains of a dead cat.

Was this a side of Ravenus that Julian hadn't been privy to before? Did his familiar lead a double life as a serial cat murderer? Was he so ashamed that he couldn't bear the thought of Julian walking in on him in the act?

"It's okay, buddy," Julian said into the darkness. "We'll get through this together."

Julian stepped over and around debris as he made his way out of the dark alley and back toward the– Where the hell was everyone?

His heart beat a little faster as he scanned up and down the empty streets. A possible explanation occurred to him, and he quickly ducked back into the alley. They had to be hiding. That's the only thing that made sense. If they'd been in a fight, he would have heard. He hoped that whatever they were hiding from hadn't seen him.

A minute passed while Julian waited. He squinted and craned his neck, looking for anything unusual, but the streets were clear. Sadly, so were the sky and surrounding rooftops. He was alone, and starting to get more than a little scared.

Mustering up what little courage he could, he forced himself back into the street. If his friends were hiding, they'd surely be looking out for him and find some way to signal him. But the more he thought about it, the less likely his theory seemed. Tim could disappear in an empty room, but Dave and Cooper weren't exactly the stealthiest creatures in the world.

Julian cautiously crept further out into the street toward the exact spot where he had left his friends. About twenty feet from his destination, he suddenly lost his hearing. There's a fine line between the white noise of a quiet city street and complete deafness, and he had just crossed it.

"What the fuck?" he attempted to say, but no sound came out of his mouth.That did little to ease his nerves.

Still, he pressed on. There were dark spots on the old cobblestones that he was pretty sure hadn't been there before. He touched one spot, then looked at his finger. Red.Fresh blood. There had been a fight here. Why hadn't he heard it? Why couldn't he hear anything at all right now?

Frustrated, he kicked a stone toward the large, unfinished building. It bounced silently into the pile of debris and rubbish accumulated from the decaying scaffolding.

As suddenly and inexplicably as they had shut off, Julian's ears started working again. He heard voices coming from the third floor window.

"Good evening, gentlemen." The voice was nearly as high as Tim's, but colder. "That's a lovely tunic, Shitnose."

"Thank you, sir." The responding voice, presumably belonging to Shitnose, was gruffer than Cooper's, probably a full-blooded orc.

"Do they make them for men?"

A burst of deep, throaty laughter was cut short, as if the one laughing had been punched.

That's at least two orcs.

"Honestly, Shitnose," said the first voice. "You don't think that's a little fancy for work?"

"I, um…" said Shitnose. "I've got a thing afterwards."

The person with the high voice harrumphed. "So these are the conspirators you found? Why are there only three? Paulie said there's supposed to be a fourth one."

"These were the only ones we saw."

"Intriguing," said the first voice thoughtfully. "Did they put up much of a fight?"

One orc grunted out a laugh. "The short ones fell like little girls."

Tim! Dave!

"The half-orc took a few hits to bring down, but the human in him betrayed his weakness before long."

Cooper!

"Curiouser and curiouser," said the first voice.

"Shall I go and look for the fourth one?"

"No. I'll send Paulie. He's a far more efficient tracker than you. Did you bring back my stone?"

"I must have dropped it during the fight," said the orc.

"Shitnose! You incompetent fool!" snapped the first voice. "You know I can't sleep without it."

"Please accept my humble apology."

"Stop your blubbering. Just run down and fetch it once you've tied these three up."

"Very well, sir."

Julian exhaled. If they had to be tied up, they must still be alive.

"Grotch," said the one giving the orders. "Run down to Tommin's place and tell him I won't be able to make the meeting tonight, due to an unforeseen situation."

"He, um…" Even with Julian's keen ears, Grotch's voice was barely distinguishable from Shitnose's. "I don't think he'll be too happy about that."

"Have you lost your wits?" said the leader. "You don't think? You aren't supposed to think! I don't pay you to be a philosopher! You will walk out of that door and do what you're told right now, or you'll leave through the gods damned window!"

Large, booted footsteps sounded from around the side of the building.Grotch couldn't have gotten down there that fast.Shit! Paulie!

Suddenly realizing that he was standing out in the open, Julian darted toward the rubbish pile. If the theory which had just popped into his head was correct – and it seemed to confirm itself a few steps in when he lost his hearing again – he should be able to dive right into the trash heap without making a sound.

Julian hit the rubbish pile with a force that should have reverberated along the empty streets for miles, but was as silent as a church mouse's grave. He sat completely still, hidden in garbage and debris that smelled like a highway rest stop: moldy wood, wet stone, and old piss. A minute passed with no sign of anyone. While he was grateful to be within the sound cover of the enchanted stone, it would have been nice to be able to hear footsteps coming or going.

A black blur flew past right in front of him.

"Ravenus!" Julian cried before he could think better of it. Fortunately, the sphere of Silence kept him from giving away his position. If he were to be discovered, Ravenus– loyal (and apparently violent) as he was – wasn't going to be very much help against the orcs who had so easily incapacitated the rest of his friends.

While his ears were currently compromised, Julian's eyes and nose were functional enough to notice the stream of urine meandering its way toward him. The footsteps he heard must have come from someone who had just stepped outside to take a leak. Julian pulled his feet back to let the stream pass without touching him. That must have been a hell of a leak. That big bastard had to have been pissing from at least twenty feet away.

With the immediate threat gone, Julian started planning. He had to find the enchanted stone. It would be his best bet for sneaking around unheard, and he needed every advantage this game would afford him.

There were dozens of rocks in the area. Julian wished he had kicked the damned thing anywhere but into a pile of rubble. He briefly considered just shoving every rock he could find into his bag, but any advantage perpetual silence might give him could easily be outweighed by the potential disadvantages of lugging around a sackful of rocks.

Replaying the kick in his mind, Julian remembered the rock in question to be smooth, oblong, and a little bit larger than a golf ball. He ended up narrowing down the most likely candidates to two, which he deemed an acceptable burden.

The window was Julian's best bet. He needed a visual assessment of exactly how deep in shit they were. Tattered remains of cloth safety nets would provide him with some cover from an observer at street level, and Julian was confident that this rickety bamboo scaffolding wouldn't support the weight of any pursuing orcs. If they tried to come after him, they'd just bring the whole thing crashing down on themselves.

Julian's first step snapped a length of bamboo in half, confirming his suspicions of how sturdy this structure was. But he found that if he kept his weight carefully distributed, and kept his feet near the joints where the beams were tied together, he could climb with relative ease.

As he climbed, he spotted an orc he guessed was Grotch heading for Timmon's place. He hoped Timmon's place was very far away. One less orc to deal with.

Finally, he arrived at the third floor window, but stayed off to the side. Unable to hear anything, he had a hard time judging whether or not it was safe to peek inside. Looking down, he saw another orc standing on the street just below him. That put at least two of at least three total orcs out of the room, which was probably the best odds Julian was going to get.

Chancing a peek inside, Julian spotted his friends, tied to chairs on the far side of a large room. Dave's head was slumped forward. Cooper's was lulled back and to the side, with a long strand of drool hanging down from it. Only Tim appeared to be awake, and his eyes went wide when they connected with Julian's. He jerked his head to the right and put a finger over his lips.

Julian nodded. Tim must have slipped out of his ropes already, and was biding his time before making a move. The Silence stone would be better off in his hands, especially if he was going to attempt an escape with Dave and Cooper in tow.

Julian leaned back out of view. He had to figure out which one of his two rocks was the Silence stone. If he tossed in the wrong one, he'd just be drawing attention to himself and Tim. It was time to gamble.

He scanned the surrounding area and settled for the alley in which he had spotted Ravenus's latest kill. If he threw the normal rock, the orc below him should look over that way. If he threw the magic rock, he should be able to hear again, for what little that was worth. But then at least he'd know.

He dug the two rocks out of his bag and –Julian, you doofus! Detect Magic! Why hadn't he done that in the first place? He whispered the incantation, but no words came out. Oh, right. That's why.

Back to the original plan. Julian based his decision on which rock was prettier, and threw the other one. It hit the wall of the far building and ricocheted into the alley. Still deaf, he supposed his judgement had been sound.

Not only did the orc below him look in the direction of the alley, the gullible bastard actually started jogging that way. Score!

Julian peeked in the window again. Tim looked to his right again and held up two fingers. There were two people in the room, and they obviously weren't looking at Tim. Now was as good a time as any. He held up the stone and made a tossing motion. Tim shook his head violently.

Julian laughed to himself. The notion of chucking a rock at them must seem preposterous to Tim, who didn't know of the stone's magical properties. Julian lobbed the rock into the room. Tim winced as it struck Cooper in the face, waking him up.

"Nothing to report, sir" said a shrill voice. It sounded like it was coming from a hallway outside the room, and it didn't sound anything like an orc. "I couldn't find him."

Cooper was struggling in his ropes and trying to shout while Tim confusedly fingered himself in the ear. Julian shook his head and pointed at the rock.

Revelation shone on Tim's face. He nodded, picked up the rock, and gave Julian a thumbs up gesture.

"Never mind the fourth one," said the boss. He sounded like he was getting closer. Julian waved at Tim to find somewhere to hide. At least he hoped that was what he was communicating.

Julian craned his neck as far as he dared into the window. Hecouldn't see a doorway from where he was, but the boss's voice sounded like it was coming from just outside one now. "We'll beat what information we can out of the other thr— Where's the little one?"

The scaffolding creaked as Julian jerked back. He had to remind himself that he wasn't magically silent anymore. Tim's chair was empty, and he was nowhere to be seen.

"The craven little fool," sneered the boss. "Slipped out of his ropes and left his fr—"

That was a peculiar place to pause.

"—itnose! You idiot! What are you doing?"

"Boss!" said Shitnose. "What happened to you?"

"The sneaky little bastard got the jump on me. He's got my stone. Go after him!"

Julian felt vibrations as orc boots pounded out of the room.

"Hey asshole," said Cooper. "Let me out of these ropes."

"I don't think so, half-orc," said the boss. "You and your companions have some explaining to do.Now I can use magic to compel you to tell me what I want to know, but I'd rather just beat it out of you. Who are you working for? Jimmy the Weasel? One-Eyed Pete? Who's trying to knock me out of my turf?"

"Come on, man," said Cooper. "My balls itch, and I've got a storm brewing."

"A storm brewing?"

"I was trying to be polite," said Cooper. "What I meant was– Aw shit. Too late." A slow, steady fart rumbled out from within the room. As it grew louder, it was interrupted by glurps and squelches. A fart that was much, much more than a fart.

"Gods have mercy!" said the boss. "What the… Have you no… I can't even… Ugh." His voice was getting farther away, close to where Julian estimated the door to be. "I need to think. And breathe!"

As far as Julian could make out, the room should now be completely free of hostile forces, not counting Cooper's massive shart. He'd give it a few more seconds to let the boss get some distance, then—

"Aw, what's that smell?" said Dave. "Jesus Christ, Cooper!" He was awake now. That was good. "Would it kill you to find a bathroom?"

"Fuck you, Dave!" said Cooper. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm tied to a goddamn chair!"

"Use your Barbarian Rage to break through the ropes."

"Good idea," said Cooper. "I'm really angry!"

Julian looked in the window. Cooper's eyes turned red and his muscles started to bulge. The ropes binding him grew tense, but showed no signs of snapping. Instead, they dug deeper into his expanding body.

"Oh fuck!" said Cooper. "I'm cool! I'm cool! I'm cool!" He farted as his body deflated back to its normal size. "Damn. That hurt like a motherfucker."

Dave startedto panic, struggling against the ropes, his chair rocking forward and back. He made eye contact with Julian. "Ju—!" He said, just before his chair tipped forward. With his arms tied behind his back, he had nothing to brace himself when his face collided with the wooden floor. "Fuck."

Julian winced. That really looked painful.

Then Dave's panic kicked into overdrive. "Oh my God, no! Julian, help me!" Cooper had pissed himself as well, and the yellow-brown concoction of fluids beneath his chair was spreading slowly toward Dave's face. "No! No! NOOOOOOO!!!"

Julian's eyes stung as the wave of Cooper's stench reached the window. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Dave was going through so close to the source.

"Hang on, man!" Julian said, not knowing why he was even bothering to try to keep his voice down anymore. "I'm coming to –"

"CAAAAAWWWW!" cried an avian voice from just behind Julian.

"Ravenus!" said Julian, looking back just in time to see a black talon make a swipe at his face. He jerked his head back, lost his footing, and broke the bamboo shaft he had been standing on. Fearing the whole framework would collapse, he grasped for the only thing he could find that wasn't part of the scaffolding, a length of thick, sturdy rope which he hoped was attached to something at the top of the building.

The rope held his weight, but swung him away from the window.

"Ow!" said Cooper. "What the fuck, Ravenus? Julian! Call off your goddamn bird!"

Julian clung to the rope, devastated. Ravenus, his very own familiar, had just attacked him. That cat he'd killed in the alley near the butcher shop. It must have had rabies. That was the only possible explanation. He'd be okay. If clerics in this world could bring back the dead, they could surely cure a simple case of rabies.

"Goddammit!" said Cooper. His voice was more angry now than panicked. Dave was sobbing uncontrollably in the background.

"You okay, Coop?" Julian called out.

"Your stupid bird has lost his fucking mind!"

"It's not his fault," said Julian. "It's just the rabies."

"Rabies?" said Cooper. "What the fuck are you talk—"

"You there!" said the boss, poking his head out of the next window past the one Julian had been peering in. His face was small but plump, sporting a well-groomed and waxed black goatee. He looked down at the ground below Julian. "That's the fourth one! Get him!"

Julian felt a tug on his rope. He looked down. Just as he feared the rope reached all the way to the ground, and there was now an orc climbing up it. Grotch was still away on his mission, and this one wasn't wearing a fancy tunic, so that likely ruled out Shitnose. That only left…

"Paulie!" Julian cried.

The orc stopped climbing, looked at his boss, then back at Julian. "Is that supposed to be funny, elf?"

"Um… no."

"Good," said the orc. "'Cause it wasn't."

"Stop right where you are, Paulie," said Julian. "I don't want to have to hurt you."

"Ha!" said the orc, continuing to climb. "Now that was funny."

"Dammit, Paulie!" said Julian. He let go of the rope with one hand and pointed it down. "You've forced my hand. Magic Missile!" A golden beam of energy struck his pursuer in the chest.

"Ow!" said the orc. "You'll pay for that one, elf!" His ascent did not slow. He barely looked wounded.

Shit. Time to Bluff. "That was just a warning, Paulie. I've got more powerful spells than that!"

"Stop calling me that!" shouted the orc. Julian had apparently failed his Bluff check, as the orc continued to climb. "My name is Leo!"

Julian also started climbing, but it was clear that Leo would reach Julian before Julian could reach the top of the building. He tried to formulate a Plan C, but his mind kept wandering back to Leo. Leo didn't sound anything like Paulie. Leo. Leo the lion.The Lion and the Mouse. Julian had an idea.

The rope was thick, but it was old, and individual strands of it broke easily against Julian's incisors. It tasted like mildew and straw, but Julian gnawed it like it was made of chocolate and beef jerky.

When the first of three interwoven cords snapped, the rhythm of the orcs climbing changed. The rope was moving more violently now, knocking Julian's head against the wall.

"You stop that right now, elf!" said Leo, shaking the rope.

Julian's jaw was getting seriously fatigued, but he could see fear in the orc's yellow eyes. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times to stretch his jaw muscles, then went back to chewing the rope even more vigorously, ignoring the pain in his head.

The pounding subsided as the orc went back to climbing. He was only about fifteen feet below Julian when the second cord broke. Strands of the third cord were already starting to split from the strain of Leo's weight.

"Stop!" said the boss, from much closer than Julian had expected. The rope lost its tension, and Julian hung still with the last cord in his mouth, ready to bite down.

Julian looked down. Leo was ten feet below him, arms and legs spread wide as he tried to distribute his considerable weight on the decaying scaffolding.

"There's nowhere to run, elf," said the boss.

Julian looked to his left. The little gnome with the slick, black goatee was perched confidently on the scaffolding not ten feet away from where Julian dangled.

"We don't want to hurt you," Julian tried to say through the rope in his mouth.

"Well that's where we differ," said the gnome. "Because I very much want to hurt you."

Julian's eyes moved left, then right, searching for options. He came up wanting.

"Do you know who I am?" asked the gnome.

Julian had a pretty good idea, but was still clinging on to the hope that he was wrong. He shook his head.

"My name is Barlow," said the gnome. "Do you know what my friends call me?"

It was a longshot, but Julian took one more crack at being wrong. "Barry?" he said, his mouth full of rope.

Barlow reached under the lapel of his jacket and pulled out a shiny steel blade. It looked like either a gnome-sized meat cleaver or a large straight razor. Neither of those possibilities was less frightening than the other. "They call me Barlow the Butcher."

Julian's sense of hope had just reached a new depth when he saw a large mass of black feathers approaching from behind Barlow. After a brief, but steep incline, it reached an even newer depth when the bird landed gracefully on Barlow's shoulder.

The rope fell out of Julian's mouth. "Ravenus?"

"Over here, sir!" the familiar British voice rang out from across the street. "I've been looking everywhere for you, sir. Is everything okay?"

"Paulie," snapped Barlow. "Get rid of the bird."

"Right away, master. "Paulie's voice matched the raspy voice Julian had earlier heard inside.

As precarious a situation as he was still in, Julian couldn't help but feel some small relief that his familiar was likely neither rabid nor psychotic.

"Oh dear!" said Ravenus, as Paulie flew over to engage him in combat.

"Listen, Mr. um… the Butcher," said Julian. "Let's talk about this."

"Your words bore me, elf," said Barlow. "Paulie is hungry."

"Bullshit," said Julian. "He just ate a cat like twenty minutes ago."

"I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Paulie prefers his meat to sit out for a while."

"Okay, you have me there," admitted Julian, trying to prolong the conversation while his mind raced for a Plan D. Just keep talking. "Look, I'm really sorry about all –"

"Apologies don't cut it in Shallow Grave," said Barlow, getting to his feet and brandishing his weapon. "Here there are penalties for trying to move in on another man's territory."

Julian narrowed his eyes. He knew what had to be done. "I wasn't apologizing to you."

"Who then?"

Julian maintained eye contact with Barlow while winding the rope securely around his wrist. "Primrose."

Barlow shook his head. "This may be the saddest appeal for mercy I've ever witnessed," he said. "And I've witnessed a few."

"Appeal for mercy?"

"This Primrose, is she your daughter? Your wife?Your special lady friend?You long to hold her in your arms just one last time? I get it, elf. I've got a special lady friend myself. In fact, I'm getting married tomorrow."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"But Primrose is neither my daughter, my wife, nor my special lady friend."

"So who is she then?"

"My Horse!"

"Oh shit!" cried Leo as a large, brown draft horse materialized on the scaffolding behind Barlow.

Barlow's eyes went wide as the scaffolding shuddered, creaked, and snapped all around him.

With a terrified whinny, Primrose crashed through the first platform. Barlow jumped at Julian, who caught him by his free hand. Julian felt the rope tug, then snap as Leo assisted the horse in tearing down the scaffolding.

"Let go of the blade, Barlow!" said Julian. The gnome wasn't too heavy, but both of their palms were slick with sweat, and Barlow's flailing threatened to pop Julian's arm out of its socket.

"Paulie!" cried Barlow, while failing to let go of his blade. "Help!"

"Leave the familiars out of this," said Julian. "The best he could hope to do is scratch and peck me until I let go, then we both die."

"Better the both of us than just me."

"I didn't come here to kill you!"

"What's that term you used before?" asked Barlow. "Bull's shit?"

"It's bullshit, and I'm not bullshitting you."

"Why should I trust you?"

"Because if I wanted to fucking kill you, I'd just let go of your hand right now!"

"You make a fair point, elf. Very well." Barlow let go of his knife.

A few seconds later, a horse screamed briefly, then fell silent.

"Primrose!" said Julian. He hadn't expected her to survive the fall. The layers of scaffolding must have cushioned the blow enough for her to survive… at least until she got stabbed in the back by a falling blade. "Dammit!"

"Sorry about that," said Barlow. "So…Now what?"

"Good question."

"Julian?" Cooper called out from the window below them.

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "What took you so long?"

"Sorry, man. Tim only just got back and released us."

"This is Barlow."

"Uh… How's it going?"

"I'm going to throw him to you."

Barlow's hand gripped Julian's tighter. "You're going to what?"

"Don't worry," said Julian. "I've got a Dexterity bonus." He started swinging Barlow to the right.

"I don't know what that means!"

"Just let go on three." He swung back toward the window. "One!"

"I don't want to let go on three!"

Right, then left. "Two! If you don't let go when I do, you won't make it!"

"Wait!" cried Barlow. "Please consider –"

Right, then left. "Three!" Julian let go, as did Barlow.

It wasn't a great throw, but Cooper managed to reach out and catch him by the leg. "Gotcha, shitbag."

"I'll climb up to the top and come back down the stairs," said Julian. "Subdue Barlow, but remember we need him alive."

"Right," said Cooper. The next sounds Julian heard were a punch and a thud.

As Julian climbed the rope to the top of the building, he heard flapping wings and looked down to see a big black bird fly in through the window. Not knowing which one it was, he didn't bother calling out.

"Ow!" said Cooper. "Fucking hell, Ravenus! What's wrong with you?Dave! Stop crying and come help me!"

As Julian climbed over the unfinished wall at the top of the building, he looked down just in time to see a second bird fly in.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Cooper. "What the fuck is going on?This is some Alfred Hitchcock shit!"

Julian hurried down the stairs until he reached the third floor. He sprinted down a corridor toward where all the noise was coming from, wanting to get there in time to make sure Cooper didn't accidentally kill Ravenus.

The scene he walked into at the end of the hall was a horrific one. Barlow lay face down, unconscious on the floor. Cooper was waving his arms around, trying to fend off two big ravens. Dave was huddled up in a corner, openly weeping. His beard was covered in liquid brown, like he'd been drinking from a chocolate fondue fountain. Tim was on the other side of the room, rolling on the floor with his hip flask and laughing his little ass off.

And the smell. It was like onions and napalm. Julian's stomach turned. He felt lightheaded and had to lean against the doorframe to keep himself upright.

When he felt confident enough that he wasn't going to throw up, he shouted over the chaos. "Ravenus!To me!"

As soon as one of the birds disengaged, Cooper swatted the other one out of the air with his open palm.

Paulie sailed across the room, smacked into the wall, and fell on the floor. He stood up on his wobbly bird feet. "I will defend my master to my dying breath!" From the sound of his voice, that breath might not be too far off.

"Holy shit!" said Cooper. "A talking bird!"

Julian shot Cooper an annoyed glare, then addressed Paulie. "Nobody has to die today. We were hired to deliver your master, alive, to a certain interested party. What his interests are and what he intends to do with your master, I know not. But I think your best chance at survival lies in cooperating with us rather than trying to fight us."

"Very well," said Paulie. He sounded as though Cooper had knocked most of the fight out of him anyway. "I shall accompany my master."

Cooper shoved Barlow into his sack, and Paulie allowed Julian to help him snuggle in next to his master. It said something about the bond between a wizard and his familiar that Paulie raised no objection to being carried in Cooper's sack. But in the room's current state, the sack probably didn't smell any worse.

Tim stopped laughing to knock back a swig of stonepiss and wipe the tears from his eyes. "We should get moving before Shitnose wakes up."

"What did you do to him?" asked Julian.

"I hid over a doorframe. When he passed underneath, I jumped down and beat him unconscious with that Silence Stone you threw at me. Then I tied him up, hid him in a closet, and…"

"And what?"

Tim smiled to himself. "Nothing. It's stupid."

"Where's the stone?"

"I left it with him, so that he wouldn't be able to make any noise when he wakes up."


Walking out of Shallow Grave was a lot more comfortable than walking in had been. The few locals out on the streets still followed the group with their eyes, but their stares didn't feel as hostile as before.

Everyone seemed to breathe a little easier once they had crossed the district line. Even Dave stopped crying when he found an unattended horse trough to dunk his face into.

Julian cradled Ravenus in his arms as they walked. "You really had me worried there for a while.You stay close by from now on, okay?"

"As I recall, sir, it was you who abandoned me."

"Sorry," said Julian. "I saw Paulie fly off, and I thought it was you."

Ravenus ruffled his feathers. "He doesn't look anything like me!"

Shit. "But it was dark, and he was far away, and he was moving so fast, and –"

"Big, black," said Dave. "You all kind of look the same to Julian."

Julian glared at Dave. "That's not… I didn't… You couldn't…" He exhaled. "You've still got shit in your beard."


It was pretty late when they arrived back at the Rock Bottom Pub, but judging from the noise inside, it was a lot livelier than it had been in the early afternoon.

Tim opened the door, and what seemed like every thug, ruffian, and ne'er-do-well in Cardinia ceased their merrymaking to stare at them. You'd have to combine at least two of any randomly selected occupants to get a full set of eyes, limbs, or teeth.

Across a long gauntlet of men, dwarves, half-orcs, and full-blooded orcs, any of whom looked like they'd slit their own grandmothers' throats for a flagon of ale, stood the greasy-haired bartender, smiling at them with yellow teeth.He'd changed into a less-stained wife beater. Must be a special occasion.

An orc stood next to the bartender. He hadn't been smiling when they entered, but he grinned when he caught Julian staring at him.

Walking across the pub floor felt like walking to the gallows. Even Cooper, who usually couldn't recognize danger until it was actually stabbing him in the face, was moving with slow, deliberate steps.

"Welcome back, gentlemen," said the bartender as they stepped up to the bar. "I believe you've met my friend here." He gestured to the orc standing next to him.

"Have we?" asked Tim.

"I don't think so," said Dave.

Cooper merely shrugged and set his sack down on the floor.

"Long time, no see," said the orc.

Julian recognized the voice at once. "Grotch!" Something was very wrong here. They'd been set up.

"Grotch?" said Tim.

Julian sighed. "One of your captors?"

"Oh shit," said Cooper. "That is embarrassing."

"I'm really sorry, sir," said Dave. "It was dark, and you were moving so fast, and –"

"Shut up, Dave," said Julian. "We've got more pressing matters to attend to." He snapped his fingers below the bar to get Dave's attention and pointed down at Cooper's sack.

Dave's eyes widened as all the pieces started falling into place. "Oh…"

Julian smiled up nervously, facing the bartender, then Grotch, then the bartender again. "It was nice catching up, but I think it's best we get going now."

"But we just got here," said Cooper. "This little fucker is heavier than he looks."

"Leave him!" said Tim, who had also seemed to catch on to the gravity of their situation. "Let's just go."

Julian was ready to set aside all pretenses and just bolt out of the door as fast as he could, but when he turned around, he found he was blocked at all sides. All of the pub's patrons had congregated around them. They were fucked.

Cooper's sack started moving, as evidence of their felony kidnapping chose the worst possible time to wake up.

"What's going on?" asked Barlow. He and Pauliepoked their heads out of the sack, looking at least as scared as Julian felt. "Where am I? What is –"

"SURPRISE!" the congregation around them shouted in unison.

A nearby half-orc grabbed Barlow and stood him up atop the bar.Paulie perched on the bewildered gnome's shoulder.

"Welcome to your last night as a free man!" said the bartender.

Barlow's shock melted into a wide grin as he realized what was going on. He turned around.

"Timmon, you son of a whore! Did you set this up?"

"I set up the surprise party a few weeks ago. The kidnapping thing didn't occur to me until these four idiots walked in here this afternoon asking if I had any quests."

"Quests?" asked Barlow. "What kind of question is that? Who asks something like that at a pub?"

"Like I said," said Timmon. "Idiots.So I cooked up this whole kidnapping thing on the fly. I honestly didn't expect them to live."

"Hey!" said Dave. "Not cool, man."

"They nearly killed me!" said Barlow.

"Relax," said Timmon. "I told them to bring you back here alive. Just think of it as payback for when you threw two dire rats into my cot while I was sleeping."

Barlow slapped his knees and laughed. "You should have seen your face!"

Timmon looked down at his feet. "Those furry little bastards have really grown on me." He spit on the floor and the sounds of scraping and licking came from behind the bar. Tim scampered up Cooper's side like a squirrel climbing a tree.

Barlow's face turned serious. He looked at Tim, who was eye level with him on account of being on Cooper's shoulders with his arms wrapped around his face. "Where are Shitnose and Leo?"

The quiet din of the congregation suddenly became completely silent. Everyone looked around at each other and confusedly put their fingers in their ears. Soon after, they spread out in a semicircle roughly the size of the Silence Stone's area of effect, revealing two pissed-off looking orcs.

Leo was bruised, bleeding, and covered in dust. Shitnose had a lump on his head, and his nice silk tunic was wrinkled and smeared with blood.

Shitnose tossed the Silence Stone to Barlow, who slipped it into a small, black pouch. Sound returned to the room.

"What happened to your tunic?" asked Barlow.

Shitnose lowered his head. "I bought it to wear to your surprise party. Now it's ruined."

"Are those words written on it?"

Shitnose flared his nostrils at Tim. "That sadistic little prick cut me with a piece of broken glass!"

"I barely scratched him," Tim objected.

"What does it say?" asked Barlow.

Shitnose stretched the bottom of his tunic down so that the letters were legible.Barlow read the words aloud.


[ A CROSSBOW ]

[ HO – HO – HO ]

"I don't understand," said Barlow.

"I wasn't even carrying a crossbow!" said Shitnose.

"Explain yourself, halfling," demanded Barlow. "Was that meant to be a taunt?"

Tim sighed. "It was meant to be a joke. I thought it would be funny."

"What's wrong with you people?"

Timmon wore a perplexed frown. "What is HO – HO – HO?"

"Forget it," said Tim. "Can we just get our money and get the hell out of this shithole?"

The pub fell silent. The only way Julian knew the Silence Stone hadn't been reactivated was that he could still hear the dire rats behind the bar slurping up Timmon's spit.The crowd of thugs, ruffians, and ne'er-do-wells seemed somehow larger and denser than it had just a moment ago.

Barlow the Butcher shook his head, then looked at Timmon. The expression on his face was easy enough to read. Do you believe the nerve of these assholes?

Timmon addressed Julian. "I would like to renegotiate the terms of our agreement."

Tim choked on the last few drops of stonepiss in his flask. "No way, José!A deal's a deal." He tapped his empty flask on Cooper's head. "And who do I have to blow to get a drink around here?"

Julian glared at Tim, hoping his expression was as easy to read as Barlow's had been. Shut. The. Fuck. UP!

Tim ceased his antics and pursed his lips tightly.

Julian turned back to Timmon. He swallowed hard. "I'm listening."

Timmon grinned. If you and your friends can make it through that door alive, I won't feed you to my rats."

"Ahem," said Paulie.

Timmon looked at the bird. "Oh, right. The rats aren't too choosy. You get first pick, Paulie."

Julian turned toward the door. Shitnose and Leo were the two main obstacles between them and it. "Horse!"

As soon as the black and white speckled steed appeared, Julian slapped it on the ass. "Let's go!"

The startled crowd scattered as the horse barreled over Shitnose and Leo. They'd both been through a rough day, and Julian felt a little bad about trampling them with a magical horse, but Tim had blown any chance that they might have had at a diplomatic resolution.

Julian, Dave, and Cooper followed the horse out as fast as they could while mugs, axes, and even chairs crashed against the walls on either side of the doorway.

Tim, who was still riding on Cooper's back, flashed his middle finger at the crowd. "Yippee ki yay, motherfu—" His face slammed into the top of the doorframe as Cooper passed through, but otherwise they all made it out unharmed.

"Get them!" shouted Barlow the Butcher, apparently wanting to re-renegotiate the terms of their and Timmon's agreement.

Julian slammed the door shut. "Horse!"

A magnificent copper-colored stallion appeared in front of the door. Julian stroked its cheek and let out a sympathetic sigh. "Whatever happens, stay right here. Okay?"

The door only opened an inch before being blocked by the horse. Angry screams poured out from inside the Rock Bottom Pub. The horse didn't budge. He understood.

"That won't hold them for long," said Dave. "We've got to get out of here."

Cooper hoisted Dave up onto the black and white horse, then tucked Tim's unconscious body under his arm like a football. Tim, knocked out cold as he was, did an impressive job of still holding on to his hip flask.

They had only run three blocks when they nearly bowled right over a pair of patrolling Kingsguard. One was dwarven, and the other half-elven, but both were solidly built warriors, bringing honor to His Majesty's crest on their uniforms.

"Halt!" demanded the half-elf wielding a shiny-tipped spear. "What mischief do you make at this time of night?"

Julian shook his head nervously, his eyes constantly darting back toward the direction they had come from. "No mischief, sir. Just out for a stroll is all. I was having trouble sleeping."

"You're an elf," said the Kingsguard. "Elves don't sleep."

Julian rolled his eyes and flicked himself in the temple. "Well there you go, then. Thanks, officers!" He spotted a raven flying in a small, concentrated circle above their position. He wanted so badly to run, but felt like their conversation hadn't yet ended.

The half-elf eyed Cooper warily. "What's wrong with this halfling?Where are you taking him?"

"Um…Church?"

"Is that shit in your beard?" the dwarvenKingsguard asked Dave.

"I, um…" Dave stammered.

"I'm sorry, officer," said Cooper. "That's my shit."

The dwarf's eyes went wide. He looked back at Dave.

"Come down off that horse this instant," demanded the half-elf. "I want to know exactly what you gentlemen are –"

"There they are!" shouted Barlow.

"What in the heavens?" said the half-elf. He and the dwarf stepped away from Dave's horse, which had been obscuring them from the mob's view.

"Oh shit!" said Barlow. "Go back! Go back!"

The dwarf looked up at the half-elf. "Is that…?"

They both said in unison, "Barlow the Butcher!"

The half-elf turned quickly to Cooper. "See that this halfling drunkard makes it home safely."

"And you," the dwarf said to Dave. "Whatever kind of deviant acts you choose to partake in with this half-orc are your business."

"I wasn't –"

"But wash your beard. You bring shame on our people."

With that, they gave chase to the dispersing crowd of thugs, ruffians, and ne'er-do-wells.Kingsguard training evidently did little to improve the Movement Speed of a dwarf. Julian, Dave, and Cooper watched as the stout little soldier waddled off after his partner.