Dave leaned back against his tree and basked in sunlight and contentment. This was what life was about. Being outside with your friends, drinking and fishing. Sure, they hadn't caught so much as a single fish in the four hours they'd been out here, but that wasn't the point. The pine-scented breeze was alive with the chatter of squirrels and the distant rush of the waterfall which fed this elevated lake. Camaraderie and nature. Here or in the real world, these were the things Dave valued most.

"This fucking sucks," said Tim. "What's wrong with these stupid fish?"

"Maybe fish in this world aren't partial to worms?" suggested Julian.

"We bought them at a goddamn bait shop." Tim reeled in his line. The rods and reels Gorgonzola had put together at the Whore's Head were bigger and clunkier than their real world counterparts, but they worked surprisingly well. When Tim's hook broke the surface, it was empty.

Cooper snorted. "Maybe the fish are smarter than you give them credit for."

"They're fucking fish," said Tim. "They have an Intelligence score of 1. That's dumber than you."

"Hey," said Cooper. "If you're so hungry, why don't you eat my ass?"

"Fishing takes patience," said Dave. "If you didn't reel your line in every five minutes you just might –" Feeling a tug on his line, he sat bolt upright. "See? See what I told you? This is it!"

Tim folded his little arms. "Ten bucks says it's another boot."

Dave let go of the reel. Whatever was on the other end of his line gave it a good tug. "I'll take that action. You ever see a boot do that?" He grabbed the reel and started winding up the line.

The rod stayed bent as Dave frantically reeled, ignoring the bead of sweat that tickled the tip of his nose. He supposed Tim was right to be skeptical. They had hooked a conspicuous amount of junk from the lake floor. Three boots, none of which matched, two rusted helmets, a canteen, and even a broken short sword. But whatever he had this time was alive and fighting for its life. A late breakfast was mere minutes away.

"There it is!" cried Tim, licking his lips and pointing at the spot where Dave's line broke the surface of the water.

Dave had never seen anyone so eager to part with ten dollars he didn't have. His stomach grumbled as he found what Tim had spotted. Sure enough, it was shiny and scaly.

Cooper balled up his fists. "Reel, Dave! Reel like a motherfucker!"

Dave reeled as fast as his thick, stubby arms would allow. He yanked his prize out of the water. It swung toward him. He closed his eyes as it slapped him in the face. The feeling was suspiciously metallic.

"Well shit," said Julian.

Dave opened his eyes. Before him, water drained out of the fingers of a scale mail gloved gauntlet. His stomach voiced its disappointment.

Tim, his arms still folded, looked smugly at Dave. For Tim, apparently, spiteful satisfaction was more nourishing than food.

"It's not a boot," said Dave. "You still owe me ten bucks."

"Well done," said Ravenus, flapping down from a branch of a nearby pine tree. "There's not, by any chance, still a hand in there, is there?"

Dave unhooked the gauntlet and turned it over. Nothing but water spilled out. He tossed it onto the pile of junk they'd caught. "I could have sworn I felt a tug."

Julian skipped a rock on the surface of the lake. "That was just drag. It was a glove full of water. It was bound to feel heavier than it was."

"It just doesn't make sense," said Dave. "Cooper caught a sword. How is that even possible? I could put a sword into a bucket of water and try all day to pull it up with a hook, and I'd come up empty."

About fifty yards away, a fish jumped out of the water.

Cooper picked up a baseball-sized rock and hurled it into the lake. "Fuck you, you scaly bastard!"

"I'm done," said Tim. "I say we pack up our shit and chalk it up to another day of failure."

"Come on," said Dave. "There's still plenty of daylight, and we've still got half a box of worms left."

Tim stomped up to Dave and poked him in the breastplate. "If we don't get moving in the next five minutes, I'm going to eat those fucking worms."

Julian rested his slender hand on Dave's right pauldron. "We did our best. It's time to call it a day."

In a rare moment of bleak desperation, Dave turned beseechingly to Cooper. Cooper farted.

Dave considered threatening to stay behind and keep fishing alone, but they'd almost certainly call his bluff.

"Fine," he said, extra glumly. "Let's go."

Tim led the way back down along the stream that they had followed to get up to the lake. Sure-footed, nimble, and eager to get back to the Whore's Head Inn, he even managed to outpace Cooper's natural Base 40 Movement Speed.

Julian lagged behind with Dave, tossing what worms were left in the box up to Ravenus, who caught them in the air, while Cooper and Tim disappeared into the forest ahead of them.

"Do you think we'll ever get back home?" asked Dave.

"Sure," said Julian. "Like you said, there's plenty of daylight left, and it's always quicker going down than it is going up."

"I meant real home. In our real bodies."

"Oh." Julian frowned. "I don't know. I try not to think about it." He faked a cheerful grin. "Besides, being an elf's not so bad."

Dave kicked a rock into the stream. "Being a dwarf kind of sucks."

"Come on, " said Julian. "Let's catch up to Cooper and Tim before they get themselves –"

"There they are!" said Cooper, only his voice didn't sound like it was coming from the right direction. It sounded more like it was coming from—

"Dave! Julian!" Tim called out. "Up here!" He and Cooper were suspended upside-down, fifty feet in the air.

Julian stepped off the path, looking up at them. "How the hell did you get up –"

"Julian!" cried Tim. "No!"

Pop. Snap. Thwang. Swoosh.

Julian's left foot rocketed into the air, followed by the rest of him. "Shiiiiiiiit!"

"Sir!" cried Ravenus as Julian flew past him.

"Fuck," said Cooper. "Our lives are in Dave's hands."

"Dave!" said Tim. "Don't move!"

Dave was already way ahead of him in that regard. He had no intention of taking a single step in any direction. "What should I do?"

Tim looked at the nearest trees surrounding him. Then he looked up at the rope he was suspended from. "I think we're all hanging from the same tree," he called down to Dave. "Our best option is probably for you to chop it down."

"With what?" asked Dave. "I use a mace. What am I supposed to do? Bludgeon a goddamn tree until it – JESUS CHRIST!" He jumped out of the way a split second before Cooper's greataxe could chop him in half.

"My bad!" Cooper called down. "Hurry up and chop us down. I gotta take a piss, and I don't want it running up in my face."

"Watch where you step!" said Tim.

Tim was the rogue. If he hadn't spotted the snares, Dave didn't stand a chance. The ground between him and the ground was covered in sticks and dead leaves, but appeared to be clear of ropes. He took a cautious step toward the axe.

Crack.

The axe disappeared. Dave jerked his head to the right to discover the blade of the axe embedded in a tree trunk. He looked back to where the axe had been to see what had flung it away. What he saw was whip-like, but much thicker, and covered in shiny, black scales. His eyes followed it around the back of a tree, then up the tree trunk.

"Hello," said a bald, human-ish head atop a snake's body. The skin of its face was as jet-black as the scales on its body. When it smiled at Dave, its forked tongue darted out between white, needle-like teeth.

Dave felt whatever courage he might have had run down his inner thigh. As he took a step backward, the snake-like monster slithered out from behind the tree. Its chest was broad where human pectoral muscles would be, but it had no arms. In their place was a great flattened hood, like a cobra's.

"Sami!" hissed a female serpentine voice.

The creature facing Dave blinked, translucent lids sliding sideways across its eyes. It stopped smiling. "Over here."

A second creature slithered out from behind some underbrush. This one was female, Dave guessed by its voice and smooth, nipple-less black breasts and full lips. She reminded Dave of Angelina Jolie, if Angelina Jolie was a black, bald, half-reptilian vampire.

"Shit," said Cooper from above. "Nagas."

"Don't call them that!" said Julian. "We're in enough trouble as it is!"

"Ow! What the fuck did you hit me for?"

Dave and the two creatures looked up. Cooper and Julian were swinging from their ropes, Cooper trying to punch Julian, and Julian trying to hit Cooper again with his quarterstaff.

"What did you go and set the snares again for, Sami?" asked the female creature. "We haven't even finished the group we caught last week."

"I grow tired of dwarf," said Sami. He looked at Dave. "No offenssse."

Dave swallowed. "None taken."

Sami looked up at his captives. "This is quite the diverssse group."

"Oh stop with the hissing," said the female. "Can't you see you're scaring this poor dwarf half to death?" She slithered over to the tree Dave was meant to chop down and reached her tail up over her head, into its lower branches. Cooper, Julian, and Tim began to descend slowly on their ropes.

"My wife, Trista," Sami said to Dave. "Motherhood has softened her heart."

"Congratulations?" said Dave.

"Dude," said Cooper as he, Julian, and Tim were being lowered to the ground. "You're not getting this. It's not their word. They're actually called nagas. They're based on ancient Hindu mythology or some shit."

Trista looked curiously at Julian, but addressed Cooper. "What does your elf friend have against nagas?"

"I've got nothing against… your kind," said Julian. Touching ground, he loosened his rope and stepped out of it. "I'm just not comfortable using that word. It sounds too much like… Can't I just call you Scary Snake Monster Lady or something?"

"Why certainly," said Trista.

Julian sighed and smiled. "Okay then."

"If you want those to be the last words you ever say."

"Oh."

"Why don't you just call me Trista?"

Julian laughed nervously. "Trista it is."

"And this is my mate, Sami."

Sami grinned at Julian. "You can call me Scary Snake Monster if you want."

Trista brushed aside some strategically placed greenery with her tail to reveal a small cave entrance. "Come on inside and see the naglets."

Julian frowned. "You really call them that?"

If Trista heard him, she ignored him. She slithered toward her cave.

"Dude," Tim whispered to Julian. "If you're going to turn off your Diplomacy skill, maybe you should just shut the fuck up."

Dave caught Tim scanning the scene for an escape route and Cooper sizing up Sami. Sami's grin grew wider, as if he knew exactly what the both of them were thinking and was hoping one of them would try something.

Dave tried hard to remember everything he knew about nagas from playing Caverns and Creatures at home. They didn't use them that often in the game, though, because their characters seldom survived to a high enough level to face one. Come to think of it, that was probably all of the information he needed.

"Let's go, Coop," said Dave.

Cooper broke his gaze from Sami. "Huh?"

"Let's go see the naglets." He spoke with innuendo heavy in his tone.

"Yeah, alright."

Tim nodded and reluctantly followed.

"I'd offer you something to eat," said Trista when they approached the entrance to the cave. "But I'm afraid all we have is dwarf." Sounds of gnawing and sucking echoed out from the darkness behind her.

"Is it cooked?" asked Tim.

Dave glared at him. "Tim!"

"I'm fucking starving," said Tim. "And it's only technically cannibalism for you."

"You are too good for my mate's hospitality?" Sami asked Dave. Dave knew his tone well. He was a bully, just looking for any excuse. The only hope any of them had was Julian's Diplomacy skill, and he was off to a piss poor start with that.

"Sami!" Trista snapped. "They have a different culture than ours." She picked up a pebble with the end of her tail and held it to her lips and whispered the word, "Light." The pebble glowed with soft, white luminescence.

They're spellcasters, Dave thought to himself. A more specific reason not to fuck with them.

"I'm sorry, little halfling," said Trista. "We nagas eat our meat raw." She laid the pebble on the ground and slithered to the left, revealing six tiny nagas – each about a foot and a half long – gnawing and tearing the flesh off a short, thick leg.

Dave took a step back and bumped into Sami, who he hadn't realized was standing right behind him.

Sami placed the end of his leathery tail on Dave's left shoulder and leaned his head over his right. "They grow up so fast."

Trista tapped the tip of her tail on the nearest naglet's head. "This is Tami."

Tami hissed and snapped at her mother's tail.

Trista continued. "And that's Suna, Tasha, Bolo, Mavi, and Poe."

Dave couldn't wrench his gaze away from the half-devoured dwarf leg. He forced out the words, "They're adorable."

Cooper looked at his wrist. "Holy shit. Look at the time."

"You have a lovely family, Trista," said Julian. "Thank you for everything, but we really should be on our way."

"Before you go," said Trista, slithering up to Julian. She put her face right in front of his, so close that Dave feared it might inspire jealousy in Sami. "Could I bother you for a small favor?"

Julian stared back at her, slack-jawed, like he was in a trance. "Anything."

It wasn't enough for these sadistic monsters to just kill them outright. They had to make a game out of it. She was going to ask Julian to choose one of his friends to leave behind. Dave was fucked.

Trista grinned. Her forked tongue flicked out between her horrible white teeth. She broke eye contact with Julian and retreated back to her babies. "Your life changes when you have children."

Dave and Tim exchanged puzzled glances.

"Yes," said Julian.

"Your priorities change," Trista continued. "You have new responsibilities. You can't just go on living carefree like there's no tomorrow."

"Yes," said Julian. He wasn't really flexing his Diplomacy muscles like the situation required.

"I'm sorry," said Cooper. "I'm confused. What the fuck is going on here?"

Sami hissed, sending shivers up Dave's spine.

Tim punched Cooper in the leg. "Shut the fuck up and let her talk."

"A stream runs just outside our home," said Trista.

"Yes," said Julian.

"That's right," said Tim, picking up Julian's slack. "We followed it up to the lake."

"We made our home here for that very reason," said Trista. "Wandering travelers ensured us a steady supply of food and entertainment, which was just fine when it was only Sami and myself. There is little in the forest which could threaten us. But, like any mother, I fear for my children's sake. I want them to be able to play outside without fear of being killed. There's far too much foot traffic along that stream. It fills me with anxiety."

"Yes," said Julian.

Dave wished he could walk over and slap Julian, but he was frozen in place with fear.

"What would you like us to do about it?" asked Tim.

Trista looked at Tim with sad, grateful eyes. "If it's not too much of a bother, we'd like you to travel back up to the lake and divert the course of the stream."

"Is that all?" said Cooper, his voice heavy with relief. "Naga please. We are on that shit."

"Wonderful!" Trista smiled in a way that might have looked perky if her mouth wasn't bristling with nightmare fuel. "Stop by again anytime!"

Julian clapped his hands together. "Daylight's a-wastin'. Let's get moving."

Dave willed up the courage to speak. "So we can just go then?"

Sami slithered around him and joined his family. "Of course. You can't very well divert the course of a stream from here, now can you?"

Julian walked casually out of the cave. Tim and Cooper backed out more cautiously.

Sami and Trista stared down at Dave. He took a tentative step backwards. When they failed to jump on him and tear his face off, he took another. With his third step, he turned around and waddled completely out of the cave to join his friends on the other side of the camouflaging greenery.

"Way to step up to the plate," Cooper said to Tim as the four of them made their way back to the stream. "You bought us four tickets to the fuck out of there. Stupid nagas."

Julian winced. "I really wish you'd stop saying things like that."

"And I wish you would have said something other than Yes. Yes. Yes," said Tim. "You sounded like a goddamn robot. What the hell was that all about?"

"I guess I just choked," said Julian. "They were scary."

Cooper snorted. "The way she was looking at you, I was sure she was going to make you do weird snake sex things with her in front of her husband."

"Ew," said Julian. "And her kids?"

"Who knows what kind of freaky shit nagas are into?"

Julian sighed. "Look. I understand that's what they're called, but it still sounds really wrong when you say it."

"Hey," said Cooper. "Where are you going?"

Dave wanted nothing more than to put as much distance between himself and Sami as possible, and thus found himself in the rare position of leading the party when they reached the stream. He stopped and turned around. While he, Tim, and Cooper had turned downstream, Julian was headed back up the hill.

Julian stared back at the rest of them like they were aliens. "I'm going back up to the lake."

"What the fuck for?"

Julian furrowed his eyebrows as he stared at Cooper. He then looked at Tim and Dave. The four spent a moment in a stalemate of confusion.

"Don't you remember? We're supposed to divert the stream."

"Fuck that," said Cooper. "We're in the clear. Let's go get some food before we have to eat Dave."

Dave was moderately certain that Cooper was joking, but still shivered at the memory of naglets tearing apart a dwarf leg.

"But we said we were going to."

"And if they'd asked, I would have said that I wasn't going to jerk off to Trista's big snake titties later on, but that doesn't make it fucking true."

"Seriously," said Tim. "Let's just remember to never come up this hill again, and we should be okay."

Julian put his hands on his hips and glared down at them. "Do your words mean nothing? Dave?"

Dave frowned. "I didn't actually say any words."

"Tim?"

"We were afraid for our lives," said Tim. "We're not honor bound to keep promises made under duress."

"Cooper?"

Cooper looked down at his loincloth, then back up at Julian. "I, too, was underdressed."

Julian shook his head. "Shame on all of you." He turned around and began stomping his way upstream.

"What the fuck, man?" Cooper called out after him. "Is this some kind of white guilt thing?"

"Screw you, Cooper!" Julian called back without turning around. "Have fun jerking off!"

"I will!"

Tim threw his hands in the air. "What kind of bullshit was that?"

"Okay, you caught me," said Cooper. "I was bluffing. I won't be able to concentrate properly while Julian's out here alone."

"No," said Tim. "I meant when did Julian turn into such a sanctimonious little shit?"

Dave stroked his beard. "He didn't." The pieces were beginning to fall into place inside his head.

"Were you not paying attention just now?"

"He's not honor bound," said Dave. "He's spellbound."

"What are you talking about?"

"Trista wasn't getting all up in his face to make sexy-eyes at him. She was casting a spell on him."

"How do you know?"

"It just makes sense. That's why he kept saying yes to everything she said. That's why they just let us up and leave. They knew the rest of us would ditch them the first chance we got, but Julian would move that stream or die trying. It's a Quest spell. Tim, you used it when we were playing C&C back at the Chicken Hut last Christmas. Remember when you made the town sheriff piss the lyrics to Jingle Bells in the snow?"

Tim grinned. "That asshole was drunk off his tits for a week."

Dave sighed. "I guess there's only one thing we can do."

"Club him over the head and drag him back to town?" suggested Cooper.

"I was thinking more along the lines of helping him divert the stream."

"That's another valid option."

"Fuck," said Tim. "Let's go and get this over with."

Dave, Cooper, and Tim trudged back up the hill until they found Julian, soaking wet from the waist down, struggling to carry a rock as big as his head.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked Dave.

Kersplunk. Julian dropped the rock into the stream at a point just before it widened into the lake. He didn't even give them a glance as he searched the bank for another rock. "I'm doing just what I said I was going to do."

Ravenus provided what little contribution to the cause that he could, flying over the stream and dropping pebbles.

Tim rolled his eyes.

"I know," said Dave. "We're here to help you."

"Wait, what?" said Cooper. "When did my plan get taken off the table?"

"More specifically," Dave continued. "What are you doing?"

Julian stopped what he was doing and turned to face him. "I'm damming up the stream."

"That's a terrible idea."

Julian wagged his finger at Dave. "If you thought you were going to come up here and talk me out of this, you wasted a trip. Integrity means something to me. Tomorrow I'll look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of the face looking back at me."

Tim cupped his hand over the side of his mouth. "Cooper's plan is starting to grow on me."

"I'm not trying to talk you out of it," said Dave. "I just think you're going about it the wrong way."

Julian wiped the sweat from his brow with his palm and sat on the bank. "I'm listening."

Ravenus fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. "Thank heavens!" he said between labored breaths.

"You can throw all the rocks you want in there," said Dave. "The water's just going to go around them and work its way back to the stream long before it gets to the naga cave. It's got to go somewhere, right?"

"Yeah," said Julian. "So what are you suggesting?"

"I'm suggesting that, before you try to stop the water flowing through here, you give it somewhere else to go."

Julian nodded. "That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for coming back."

Dave willed himself to ignore the rumble in his stomach. "Don't mention it." Not recalling any great locations to the right of the stream where they had been fishing, he started walking clockwise along the edge of the lake. "We'll want to find a spot a good distance from here, so that the water doesn't just work its way back into the stream bed."

Julian sent Ravenus off to go scavenge, and then he, Tim, and Cooper followed Dave for a good forty-five minutes. Dave stopped several times to assess potential locations for a new stream, but nothing jumped out at him as being terribly convenient. Either the ground didn't slope the right way, or there was a big tree they'd have to uproot, or they'd have to dig through solid rock. Dave had packed for fishing that morning, not for creating and destroying ecosystems.

And then he saw it. It was like Mother Nature herself was lying naked on a bed and begging to get fucked. A perfect storm of natural anomalies. A single boulder, about as big as a cow, was all that stood between the water and a sheer, thirty foot drop in elevation. For how many centuries had this unlikely chunk of stone denied the creatures which inhabited this hilly forest the beauty of another small waterfall?

Dave placed his palm on the boulder. "It's perfect."

Cooper frowned. "What am I looking at?"

Dave hopped down into the shallow water. "If we can push this boulder off the ledge, our problems are solved! Hell, we probably won't even need to go back and dam the other stream." He leaned his shoulder into the stone and pushed with his legs. It didn't budge. "Cooper? A little help?"

Cooper jumped into the water. He and Dave shoved as hard as they could, but to no avail.

"Maybe you should try pulling instead of pushing," suggested Tim.

Julian tugged at his long ears. "What difference would that make?"

"Objects are easier to pull than they are to push," said Tim. "It's basic physics. Why do you think you put a horse in front of a wagon, rather than behind?"

"Umm," said Cooper. He abandoned his effort against the boulder and looked up at Tim. "So it can see where the fuck it's going?"

"Remind me," said Tim. "Who's got the highest Intelligence score here?"

"Well let me explain some basic fucking physics to you, Professor. Even if I could climb over that rock, secure a grip on it, and pull it free, that leaves me with a thirty foot free fall, hugging a goddamn boulder."

"Who said I was talking about you?"

"No?" said Cooper. "In that case, sweet. Dave, I'll push. You pull."

Dave looked at Tim. "What?"

Tim raked his fingers through his curly hair. "Jesus Christ. I'm talking about a horse!" He pulled a coil of rope out of his bag. "Julian climbs down there and summons a horse. We tie one end of the rope to the horse and the other end to the boulder. Horse pulls. We push. Problem solved. We all go back to town and get some fucking dinner."

Julian rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "It could work."

Tim raised his hands out to his sides. "Any objections?"

Dave shrugged. Cooper farted.

"Okay then. Julian, work your magic."

Julian hopped and skidded down the side of the hill where it wasn't quite as steep while Tim got busy tying an adjustable knot on one end of his rope.

"Horse!" said Julian from down below.

Dave peeked over the edge. Sure enough, Julian was combing his fingers through the mane of a sturdy-looking white horse.

"Here," said Tim, tossing the looped end of his rope to Cooper. "Loop this around the rock, and throw the other end down to Julian.

Cooper did as he was told.

Julian caught the loose end. "It's too short!"

"What are you talking about?" Cooper shouted down at him. "You're holding it!"

"But I don't have enough rope to tie it to the horse."

"Shit," said Tim. "I probably should have tested the rope length before I had him go down there and summon the horse."

"Now what are we going to do?" asked Dave.

Cooper leaned over the edge and looked down. "I say we eat the horse."

Tim groaned and rubbed his belly. "Don't even talk about that."

"What's wrong with that?" asked Cooper. "Lots of cultures eat horse meat."

"Hey, I'm with you, man. I would murder a pile of horse steaks right now. That's not the problem."

"So what then?"

Tim glared up at Cooper. "Come on, man! You know those magical horses disappear as soon as they die!"

"That's right," said Cooper. "I've considered that. But how much of it do you think we could eat without actually killing it?"

Tim bit his lower lip and peeked down over the boulder.

"Tim!" said Dave. "Tell me you're not actually considering this."

"I'm so fucking hungry," said Tim.

"I'm hungry, too," said Dave. "But come on, man. You want to rip the flesh off of a living, breathing creature? That's fucking barbaric is what that is."

Tim looked at Dave with wide eyes. "That's it!"

"Oh shit, what?" Dave was not comforted by Tim's sudden manic grin.

"Cooper!" cried Tim. "You big fucking retard!" He punched Cooper in the leg.

"Hey, man," said Cooper. "What the fuck?"

"Use your Barbarian Rage!"

"Oh." Cooper pursed his big lips. "Yeah, I could do that." He stood up. "Take a step back, Dave."

Dave hurried out of Cooper's way.

"Hey guys," said Julian, scrambling back up the slope. "Tim got me thinking about physics. What if we made some levers out of –"

"I'M REALLY ANGRY!" Cooper's muscles ballooned out like time-lapse video of baking bread.

Julian laughed and rolled his eyes. "Doh! Why didn't we think of that before? It could have saved me a –" His smile suddenly vanished. "Wait, Cooper! No!"

Cooper roared like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park as he hugged the bottom of the boulder and pushed up with his legs. Even with the Strength bonus from his Barbarian Rage, he struggled to move the big stone. But he kept roaring, and the boulder finally broke free. Once he had it dislodged, the weight of an entire lake's worth of water helped him push it over the edge.

Dave leaned over to watch the boulder fall, spotted Julian's horse grazing just below, and turned his head away just in time to hear, but not see, the crash. The lack of accompanying horse screams suggested that at least it went quickly.

"Goddammit, Cooper," said Julian.

"What?" asked Cooper, deflating to his normal form as the Barbarian Rage ceased.

"You killed my horse."

"Oh shit. My bad."

Water rushed out of the breach like a god taking a piss after having held it in during a long bus ride. Once the lake reached an equilibrium, the force of the water would likely subside, but for now—

"FISH!" cried Julian, pointing down to the water.

Try as they may, the fish which got caught too close to the edge of the lake couldn't outswim the sudden current. Cooper immediately squatted down and began scooping them out of the water just before they made it to the breach.

Julian, Dave, and Tim waited eagerly to catch whatever Cooper flung from the water. Julian caught a nice, fat, shiny pink fish. It was eyeless, and had tentacles growing out of its face. It looked delicious.

Dave caught a blue fish with its pectoral fins on the bottom.

Tim caught a naked green woman.

"JESUS!" screamed Tim, flailing his arms and legs about wildly. "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!"

Dave stepped back and caught himself just short of falling off the ledge. The fish, flopping and twisting out of Dave's grasp, wasn't so lucky.

Tim's Catch-of-the-Day slapped him in the face with her green, webbed hand before rolling off him. "How dare you toss me around like an oyster shell!"

"That fucking hurt," said Tim, rubbing his red cheek.

The woman's hair was a darker shade of green than her skin, and hung down like seaweed to cover her small breasts. The rage in her aquamarine eyes turned to fear as she backed away, finding herself outnumbered four to one.

"We didn't mean you any harm," said Julian. "Actually, Cooper here probably just saved your life." He nodded at the water rushing out of the breach, then stared curiously at the woman. "What are you? Some kind of sea-elf?"

"I'm a nixie."

"A nixie?"

"They're like pixies," Tim explained. "But without –"

"Kim Deal?"

"…wings."

The nixie glared at Tim. "That may be the most insulting oversimplification of our kind that I've ever heard. Who are you people? What do you want? Why did you –" She backed into their bags and fishing rods. "You're the fishermen from earlier this morning, aren't you?" Her tone was accusatory.

So that was the reason they couldn't catch anything. These people must have a special relationship with the fish in the lake. Dave whispered to Julian, "Surrender your fish."

"Huh?" Julian looked down at the fish in his hands. "Oh, okay." He knelt before the nixie and held up the squirming fish. "Please accept our humble apologies."

"Very well," she said, cautiously accepting Julian's offering. Gripping the fish firmly by face and tail, she savagely bit into its side, tearing away a large chunk of flesh. Blood dripped from her mouth as she chewed.

Dave frowned. "You eat fish?"

The nixie stared quizzically at Dave while she chewed. After she swallowed she said, "We live in a lake. What do you expect us to eat?"

Dave felt blood rush to his face, both from the implied stupidity of his question, and from the fact that he'd just given away their only food for no reason.

Tim was glaring at him, and he could sense Cooper's eyes burning a hole in his back as well.

"I just thought maybe the fish were your friends or something."

The nixie held up her dead fish so that she was staring it in the face. "Hello, Mr. Fish. Tell me about yourself. Do you have a family?"

She pinched the sides of the fish's mouth so that its lips moved, and spoke in a deeper voice. "Well, Lana. I don't really know, on account of I'm a fish. I suppose if I did have a family, I'd probably try to eat them, because I'm a stupid fish."

Dave folded his arms. "You've made your point."

"Oh dear," said the nixie, Lana, to her fish. "I don't think I could be friends with someone who would eat their own children."

"That's okay, Lana," she responded in her fish voice. "I don't have the emotional capacity for friendship anyway, because I'm a godsdamned fish."

Tim grinned. "I like her. She's fun."

Dave felt he'd suffered enough ridicule for one day. "So what have you got against fishermen?"

"Aside from the fact that they come here specifically to steal our food?" said Lana. "Well there's also the matter of the garbage they dump in the lake."

"That was you then!" said Tim. "You were the ones who put all those boots and helmets and shit on our hooks!"

Lana flashed him a quick grin before continuing. "And sometimes, just sometimes, a group of particularly witless bastards will up and try to destroy our home outright." She was staring at the water rushing out of the breach.

"Ummm…" said Cooper. "Sorry about that."

"That wasn't our fault," said Dave. "The nagas made us do it."

Lana raised an eyebrow. "Sami and Trista? Why would they want you to do that?"

"They wanted us to dry up the stream running by their cave to keep travelers away from their children."

Lana's eyes lit up. "Trista had her babies? That's wonderful! I'll have to send her some fish."

"You're friends with nagas?" asked Cooper.

"Jesus, Cooper!" said Julian. "Can you hear yourself?"

"Not friends, exactly," said Lana. "But we appreciate them keeping travelers away from our lake."

Images of the dwarf leg in the naga cave flashed in Dave's mind. "You are aware of how they do that, right?"

"Uh-oh," said Lana, her eyes focused on something beyond Dave.

"What is the meaning of this?" demanded a booming male voice from the direction Lana was looking.

Dave turned around. Trotting up the slope was a creature that Dave recognized from fantasy literature other than Caverns and Creatures. The creature's lower half resembled the body of a horse, but it had the upper body of a muscular, hairy man. A centaur. In his hands he carried a large, wooden spear. The pristine steel tip glistened in the sunlight, but the wood just beneath it was stained brown, suggesting he was no stranger to its use.

"Who's that?" asked Julian as the centaur approached.

Tim rolled his eyes at having to explain yet another fantasy creature to Julian. "It's a centaur. Half man, half horse."

"How dare you, insolent halfling!" shouted the centaur, thrusting the end of his spear about a quarter inch from Tim's nose. "Retract your words at once!"

Tim dropped to his knees. "I retract! I retract!"

The centaur likewise retracted his spear. "I am no part man, no part horse. I am all centaur. We are a proud and noble race, and I will not have our name besmirched by the likes of a sniveling halfling coward like yourself."

"You should have heard what he had to say about nixies," said Lana.

"For the record," said Julian. "I know what a centaur is. I read Harry Potter." He paused to raise his eyebrows smugly at Tim, still on his knees. "I asked who this was, not what."

"Gentlemen," said Lana. "This is Gallus. Gallus, I haven't actually had the time to learn their names yet. I imagine you're here about the breach in the wall."

"My rutabagas are flooding! I demand an explanation!"

"You'll probably want to talk to Finn. I'll be right back. Talk amongst yourselves."

"Huh?" said Dave. "Don't leave us alone with…" When he turned to look at Lana, she had already disappeared into the lake. "Shit."

The centaur, Gallus, eyed the four of them with obvious distaste. If normal centaurs were supposed to be comparable in size to their human and equine counterparts, he was a large specimen indeed. He stood a full head taller than Cooper even, and was nearly as broad across the shoulders. His chest was crisscrossed with scars, some of which were clearly earned in battle. But a row of smaller scars across the top right of his chest were too uniform to have not been put there intentionally. Dave guessed they were trophies he'd been awarded for some sort of tribal victories.

Julian bowed his head slightly. "I'm Julian. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Gallus stood tall and proud, his wild mane swaying in the breeze. He sniffed the air. "And the one who smells of fresh urine?"

Dave, Tim, and Cooper blurted out their own names simultaneously.

"Are you the ones responsible for the breech in our forefathers' dam?"

In spite of his inexplicable knowledge of stonemasonry, Dave had assumed the wall keeping this lake in was a product of nature. He was impressed.

"You mean to tell me this was man made?"

Gallus's spear point was suddenly in Dave's face.

"Man had no part in its construction. We are centaurs, a fact I encourage you not to forget a third time. Now did you or did you not remove the crown stone from atop the dam?"

"Not me personally," Dave whimpered.

"Who then?" demanded Gallus. "Who is responsible?"

"None of them are," said a voice from behind the centaur. Almost as high in pitch as Lana's, this voice sounded older and more wizened.

Gallus turned around. "Finnean." He addressed the nixie accompanying Lana out of the lake with a respect that Dave guessed was formally expected, if not entirely sincere.

Lana escorted Finnean to a rock where he sat down. His skin was a paler shade of green than hers, and hung loosely on his old nixie bones. His seaweed-like hair was long in the back, but absent on top of his head.

"Lana has told me the whole story, as it was related to her," said the old nixie. "These young men cannot be held accountable for their actions. They were coerced by the nagas."

"That is no excuse!" said Gallus. He turned his back to Finnean and faced Dave. "Your reasons are not important to me. You are responsible for your own actions, and must live with the consequences of those actions."

It was beginning to feel like being back in middle school, getting a lecture from another kid's dad, where you were only going to listen to a little more of it before you just gave him the finger and ran away laughing. It didn't help that Lana was standing behind Finnean the whole time moving her dead fish's mouth in time with Gallus's words. Cooper and Tim were trying to maintain their serious faces, but neither of them were doing a very good job of it.

"Now I'm going to ask you one more time," Gallus continued.

Lana shook the fish slightly to make its mouth tentacles jiggle when it talked. Cooper couldn't contain it anymore. He snorted and farted at the same time.

Gallus looked back at Lana, who quickly put the fish behind her back and smiled innocently. He turned to face Cooper. "Who is responsible?"

"Like Mr. Finnean said," Julian spoke up. "The nagas –"

"The nagas didn't break our dam!" Gallus shouted. "Once I have dealt with you, I shall deal with the nagas. But until then, I must –"

"And just how do you sssuppose you'll deal with the nagas?" Sami slithered up along the edge of the lake.

Dave could only think of one explanation to account for his timing. He'd noticed the reduction of water flowing in his stream, and that concluded the usefulness he had for the four of them. He's here to hunt.

Sami grinned at Dave, sending a wave of shivers down his spine. Was the naga reading his mind?

Trying to remain casual and not move his lips, Dave spoke quietly enough so that hopefully only Julian would be able to hear him. "We have to get out of here. Summon some hor-"

A ray of darkness shot out of the nagas tail, hitting Julian squarely in the chest.

"Fuck!" shouted Cooper, grabbing his greataxe from off his back and stepping in front of Julian.

Dave supposed that confirmed the naga's mind reading ability. "Are you okay?"

Julian patted his chest. He looked startled, but unhurt. "I don't feel any different."

"These are my prisoners, naga!" said Gallus. "And if their story is true, you have your own crimes to answer for."

"Sssunflowers will bloom in the Abyss before I answer to a horse-man."

Gallus brandished his spear at the naga. He was positively shaking with rage. "You take that back, by the gods, or I'll –"

"You'll what?" said Sami. "You whinny like a foal."

"You filthy, stinking naga!"

"Whoahohohoho!" said Julian. "Come on, man. No need for that."

Tim and Cooper glared at him.

Julian raised his hands apologetically. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It just still sounds wrong to me. The seed was planted, and I… Carry on with what you were doing."

Gallus stomped his hooves like he was warming up for a run. "I've sent greater foes than you to the Abyss, naga. Prepare yourself!"

Sami bared his teeth and flicked his tongue. His dark hood expanded. He pointed the tip of his tail at Gallus and fired a bolt of purple lightning.

Seemingly ready for just such an attack, Gallus deftly leaped out of the way. The lightning flew harmlessly past him and struck the dam next to the breach. Moss-covered stones exploded, revealing them for the façade they were. Dave took half a second to appreciate the exposed masonry.

Gallus, too, glanced back at the dam. "My wall!" he cried. "My rutabagas!" The ground shook as he charged at Sami.

Sami coiled up and sprang out of the way just in time to miss the full force of Gallus's charge, but the spear sliced a six inch gash into his underbelly, spilling a trickle of black blood. He hissed in pain.

As Gallus slowed and turned around for a second charge, Sami turned tail and slithered hurriedly toward the wall. Was he retreating?

"Stand your ground and fight, craven naga!" Gallus shouted. "I can outrun you on two hooves!"

Having reached the edge of the lake next to the wall, Sami turned around and flashed a toothy grin at Gallus. His tail crackled with purple lightning.

"No!" cried Gallus, breaking into full gallop toward Sami.

Sami fired his lightning directly at the wall, widening the breach another four inches as the stonework exploded into coarse dust.

"Well that's just mean," said Julian. He was right. Sami was either trying to demonstrate how little a threat he took Gallus for, or he just cared more about being cruel than he did for his own survival. Either way, it was a dick move.

"What happened to the nixies?" asked Tim. Dave glanced at where he had last seen Lana and Finnean. Sure enough, they had disappeared. It was probably the wisest course of action.

Sami coiled up and grinned as Gallus approached, slowing down so as not to charge right over the edge of the dam. When Sami tried to spring over his head again, Gallus reared up on his hind legs and plunged the spear deep into the naga's chest.

Sami screamed in pain, and probably no small amount of surprise. Gallus obviously had quite a few fighter levels on him.

"Vile beast!" Gallus shouted as he drove the impaled naga down into the water. "I damn you to the depths!"

Sami's tail flailed about wildly as Gallus held his spear firm, pinning him under the water.

The naga's panic eventually ceded way to reason, and his tail coiled around Gallus's humanlike torso and horselike abdomen. Gallus grunted as Sami squeezed him, but he continued to hold his ground. The battle appeared to be at its unlikely conclusion when Sami pulled out one last surprise.

An inky black stinger emerged from the end of the naga's tail, and he plunged it into Gallus's rear. Gallus howled in pain, losing his grip on the spear. Sami's head emerged from the water. His gasps for air were interrupted by Gallus repeatedly punching him in the face.

Sami pulled his stinger out of Gallus's side and relinquished his hold on the centaur. Gallus hobbled backward on shaky horse legs while Sami stayed in the lake to catch his breath, black blood still leaking from his chest wound. The flowing water posed little danger to him, as he was too large to fit through the breach. The combatants stood panting, facing each other. Tired, haggard, and bleeding as they were, both appeared ready to react if the other should strike, but neither of them seemed to be in any great hurry to make the first move.

"Should we, um… help?" asked Julian.

"Which one?" said Tim. "I'm pretty sure they both want to kill us."

"We should get out of here while we have the chance," said Dave. "Julian?"

"Right," said Julian. "I'm on it." He pointed at the ground in front of him. "Horse!" A small squirt of glowing sparkles spat out of his finger, but no horse appeared.

"I warned you, elf!" shouted Gallus, turning around to face Julian.

Dave tried to stay focused on the problem at hand. Why didn't Julian's spell work? Sami must have cast some magic-nullifying spell on him.

"I will not be mocked!" Gallus continued shouting at Julian. "My people are an ancient and proud race! We have dwelled in this forest for countless gener—"

"Holy fucking shit!" said Cooper.

Dave looked up. Sami stood triumphant over Gallus, whose head was conspicuously absent from atop his neck.

Crimson blood gurgled out of the centaur's neck like a science fair volcano. His wobbly horse legs buckled, and he collapsed to the ground, spilling blood into the lake.

"Damn," said Cooper, shaking his head. "That's the wrong naga to fuck with."

Julian jabbed Cooper in the side with his quarterstaff. "Don't even try to tell me that one wasn't on purpose."

Sami spit Gallus's head out next to his body. "Thank you, elf." He smiled, showing off his blood-soaked teeth. "Who's next?"

"What should we do?" asked Julian.

"We could ask him to go halfsies on the centaur," suggested Cooper. "Would it be weird if we ate the horse half?"

"Dude," said Tim. "He's going to kill us. We need to run."

"No," Dave said flatly. That naga could outpace any of them. He wanted them to run, just for the thrill of the chase. Dave's stubby dwarf legs didn't have much of a chase to offer. He repeated the phrase 'Kill naga' in his mind to block the telepathic transmission of the last ditch idea that had just occurred to him. "Stay here. I've got this." Holding his mace firmly with both hands, he charged toward the naga.

"Dave!" Cooper called after him. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"BWAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Kill naga. Kill naga. Kill naga.

Sami looked genuinely perplexed as Dave waddled huriedly toward him.

"BWAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Kill naga. Kill naga. Kill naga.

Sami's malicious grin faltered as he broke into a yawn.

He was almost there. Kill naga. Kill naga. Kill naga. Sami backed up a couple of feet; a nice extra bit of cruelty. He didn't want to tear Dave's head off right away. It would be more fun to watch him sink and drown in his armor. Kill naga. Kill naga. Kill naga. Just keep it going a little… bit… longer… "BWAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Kill naga. Kill naga. Destroy wall.

"Huh?" said Sami as Dave changed his course.

Just as Dave had expected, the naga's lightning bolts had severely weakened the mortar of the ancient masonry. The top of the dam was days, if not hours, away from crumbling apart. He'd just give it a little help.

"No!" cried Sami. He tried to coil, but he was a lot less bouncy in the water.

Dave's dwarven knowledge of masonry, which he was only now discovering he had, allowed him to judge where the most stable part of the wall was for him to stand on, and which part of the wall was best to strike in order to help the water destroy the largest part of it. Gripping his mace firmly with both hands, he struck a particular block of exposed stone that he was certain none of his friends would have seen any special structural importance in.

The result was both immediate and catastrophic. A solid square meter of wall disintegrated into individual blocks and collapsed under the enormous pressure of the lake water, which gushed out with renewed fervor, dragging a helpless Sami over the edge.

The breach was wide enough now that the water no longer shot horizontally out of it, but rather flowed straight down along what was left of the dam. It was likely that Sami survived the initial fall, but Dave didn't like his odds against the loosening blocks of stone that continued to rain down on top of him.

The stone beneath his feet started to wobble, reminding Dave that he was standing on a collapsing dam. Shit! Time slowed down as he pivoted around, trying to save himself. He wasn't going to make it. He didn't need his dwarven knowledge of stonemasonry to tell him he was fucked, but he had it just the same, and it only reinforced his conclusion. Dave needed a miracle, and in his experience, miracles were just – right above his head?

He didn't question the loop of rope sailing through the air toward him. He just reached for it, catching it below the knot in his left hand. As the stone he had been standing on fell away, the rope tightened around the leopard fur of his forearm. It hurt like a motherfucker.

"Fuck, you're heavy!" said Cooper as Dave did his best to avoid scraping his face against stone and jagged mortar.

When he crawled up onto solid, stable land, Cooper, Tim, and Julian were right there to greet him.

Dave loosened the rope around his arm and tried to wring out some of the burn. "How did you guys get here so fast?"

"We were walking behind you," said Julian.

"You're kinda slow," added Tim.

Cooper scratched his balls under his loincloth. "That was seriously the most piss-poor battle charge I've ever seen. You should be embarrassed by that."

"I only have a base 20 Movement Speed," Dave explained. "And I can't run while I'm wearing my –"

"Ravenus!" shouted Julian. He ran off toward Gallus's dead body, where Ravenus was greedily slurping back one of the dead centaur's eyes. "Stop that! It's disrespectful."

Ravenus swallowed what he already had in his beak. "I'm very sorry, sir. You can have the other one, if you like."

"That's not what I meant. I just don't think –"

"Fuck it," said Cooper. "We're all starving. Let the bird eat. I'm still open to thoughts about chopping up this dude's bottom half. Anyone with me?"

"That would be… inadvisable," said Finnean as Lana escorted him slowly toward the party. Lana had a satchel over her shoulder. It was made of kelp and adorned with shells and fish scales.

"Oh, hey," said Dave. He looked back at the dam. The breech had grown to about three meters wide. "Umm… sorry about your lake."

"Don't be," said Lana cheerfully. "It's supposed to be down there. The centaurs stole that land from us over a century ago."

"Aren't they going to be pissed at you?"

Lana put her webbed hands up defensively. "Hey, we weren't even here."

Tim scowled at her. "Yeah, we noticed that."

"So what are you going to tell them?" asked Dave.

Lana shrugged. "We'll blame it on the nagas."

Cooper folded his arms and shook his head. "Brothas can't catch a break!"

Julian elbowed him in the side. "Knock it off."

"Still," said Finnean. "It would be prudent for you to leave this place before the other centaurs show up."

Dave didn't need to be told twice. "Well, thank you for everything. Good luck."

"I got you something," said Lana. She pulled a fat green fish out of her satchel and tossed it to Dave. It was slippery and flapping, and a little heavier than he expected, but Dave managed to hang onto it.

"Oh Lana, you don't know how much –" Dave had an idea. He held the fish up, pinched the sides of its mouth, and did his best Lana-fish impersonation. "Thank you, Lana!"

Instead of a laugh, his effort earned him a sympathetic smile from Lana and narrow-eyed puzzlement from Finnean.

Dave decided to have one more try. He pinched the fish's lips again. "Well, I guess I'll see you lake-er!"

Lana looked away, her pale green skin turning pink in the face. "I, um… I just remembered. I've got a… thing." She turned around and dove into the lake.

Noticing that none of his friends would make eye contact with him either, Dave lowered his fish.

"Sorry Dave," said Julian. "It's just not as funny when the fish is actually gasping for its life."

"See you lake-er?" said Tim. "Jesus, Dave. Was that even a joke?"

Cooper cradled his head in his hands. "Ugh… I feel like my brain just got kicked in the nuts."

Dave tucked the fish under his arm. "You guys can all go to hell. I'm not sharing this." He turned around and started the long walk back to Cardinia.

He ate the fish raw on his way back to town, but took little comfort in his spiteful selfishness, as his friends walked behind him the entire time, laughing and making water-and-fish-related puns, every one of them better than his.


Tim sucked the froth off the top of his beer glass, savoring the evening's first hint of alcohol. Soon he would be blissfully oblivious to everything in this shitty, shitty game world.

"It's nice to get out of the Whore's Head every now and again," said Julian, presumably just to fill the silence. The tips of his long ears were already pink from his first sip of beer.

Dave downed a shot of stonepiss. "Yeah, real nice. Drinking in this dingy tavern is so much better than drinking in the dingy tavern we usually drink at."

Tim stared into his beer. Julian had made a vacuously cheerful remark. Dave had bitched about something. All that was missing now was—

"Hey Dave," said Cooper, trying to flick a half-orc booger at him. It was too sticky, and he eventually gave up and licked it off his finger. "Your mom's a whore."

Dave rolled his beady dwarf eyes. "Not really your best effort."

"That's what a hundred guys who might be your dad said."

Dave puffed his bearded cheeks and exhaled. "Seriously, what are we doing here? There's literally no difference between this place and the Whore's Head, except that we can drink for free there."

It was Tim's idea to come out, so he was expected to answer. "I can rest my brain here. It's not so noisy."

"It's plenty noisy in here."

Dave wasn't technically wrong. The lizard people at the next table were particularly rowdy, slurping their drinks and chatting loudly in their clicky reptilian language.

"Oh," Dave continued, looking at the lizard people. "And everyone at the Whore's Head speaks English."

Tim gulped back some beer and licked away his frothy mustache. "And that's why we're here."

"You lost me."

"I'm so sick and tired of listening to everyone. Yeah, it's noisy in here, but everybody's speaking a different language that I don't understand. Back there it's all about how they miss their shitty lives back in the real world, or Doctor Who quotes."

Dave pouted. "I like Doctor Who."

"Bullshit," said Cooper. "Nobody likes Doctor Who. Everyone just watches it for geek cred. It's like going to church for nerds."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," said Dave. "Have you ever even watched an episode?"

"Fuck no."

"Then how do you know you don't like it?"

"Because I'm not retarded."

"Easy, Coop," said Tim. "You're kind of on the fence there."

"Fuck you nerds," said Cooper, standing up. "I'm going outside to take a shit."

"Did everyone catch that?" said Julian as the lizard people stopped their conversation to look up at Cooper. "Oh good. Thanks for the update, Cooper. Don't forget to wipe."

Cooper gave the rest of them a middle finger as he walked out of the tavern.

"Greetings," said a cloaked figure stepping behind Cooper's empty chair. He wore a neatly trimmed blond goatee, and his icy blue eyes shone out from the shadow of his hood.

Julian smiled up at him. "Hi there!"

Dave let out a heavy sigh. "Not interested."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Dave!" said Julian. "You're being rude."

Dave looked up at the stranger. "Let me guess. You've got some sort of quest you'd like us to go on."

The man looked baffled. "Well, yes but –"

"You'd go yourself, but it's dangerous, and you have a wife and a sick child to think of."

"That's true, but –"

"But you promise to make it worth our while."

"Of course, but how do you –"

"This is Caverns and Creatures," said Dave. "We're in a tavern, and you're a mysterious stranger. That's how the game works."

"You speak in riddles, dwarf."

Tim had to hand it to Dave. He'd made an astute observation which would probably save them all a big headache. It was time to end this conversation.

Tim cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, sir. My friend is right. We've had a long day, and we really don't want anything more than a quiet drink."

The stranger pulled back his hood, revealing some of the cleanest blond hair Tim had yet seen in Cardinia. He looked like a Sunday school picture of Jesus. "If peace and intoxication are what you desire, these things I can provide. I have a private room in the back of the tavern, and I thought you might be interested in a finer vintage than the goblin piss you're drinking now."

Tim raised his glass and his eyebrows. "Listen, buddy. This is no goblin piss. Believe me. I know. I've …" He suddenly became aware of everyone staring at him. "…said too much, haven't I?"

"Um…" Julian broke the awkward silence that followed. "You said something about good booze?"

Dave glared at him. "Julian, no!"

The stranger smiled down at Julian. "All I ask is for you to hear my tale."

Dave shook his head.

Julian raised a reassuring hand to Dave and looked up at the stranger. "What if we tell you up front that there is no way we will do whatever it is you want us to do?"

"If that is your choice, so be it."

"I mean really," Julian continued. "No matter how heartbreaking the sob story you've got for us, we're just going to drink your booze, listen to what you have to say, and be on our way."

"I probably won't even listen," added Tim. He liked where Julian was going with this, and hoped his superfluous display of callousness might help convince Dave.

Dave frowned so hard that his head trembled. "I don't like this."

"I seek only to unburden myself of my woeful tale," said the stranger. "I expect nothing from you but a sympathetic ear, even if your sympathy is not genuine."

Tim looked up at the stranger. "Even if all you need us to do is run down to the market and fetch you a loaf of bread to feed your starving family, I'm going to say no."

"I understand."

"I'm serious," said Tim. "Even if your kids are on fucking fire, and you ask me to walk across the street and piss on them, I'm going to tell you to kiss my little halfling ass."

"Jesus, Tim," said Dave. "You've made your point. Take it down a notch."

"Your overzealous lack of compassion is noted and accepted," said the stranger. "This world is rife with charlatans and ne'er-do-wells. You are wise to steel yourself against false appeals to tender hearts."

"I'm smart," Tim corrected him. "Dave's the wise one." It didn't hurt to butter up Dave just a bit more. "What do you say, Dave? We've made it perfectly clear that we have every intention of abusing this man's generosity and ignoring his pleas for help. Do you feel better now?"

"Not really."

"That's not a no."

"Actually, it kinda –"

"It's settled, then," said Tim. "Lead us, tall stranger, into drunken oblivion."

The stranger smiled. "When you've settled your affairs here, you may join me in booth number five. I'll be waiting." He turned his back to them and gracefully strode between tables full of drunk humans, quasi-humans, and straight up monsters toward the curtained booths at the back of the tavern.

Tim sucked down the rest of his skunky warm beer, spilling at least half as much down his shirt as he was spilling down his esophagus.

Dave took another shot of stonepiss. "This is so stupid. There is no way this will end well."

"That's it," said Tim. "No more bitching and moaning until I'm drunk enough to ignore it. Now go pay the tab and I'll meet you in booth five."

"Where are you going?" asked Julian.

"I've got to take a piss, and let Cooper know where we are."

"Check on Ravenus for me?"

Tim sighed. "Fine."

He walked out of the front entrance, not nearly drunk enough to call out to a bird in a British accent without feeling silly. But when free booze or sex was at stake, sometimes you just need to check your pride at the door.

"Ello! Ello!" Tim called into the darkening purple sky.

"Ho there, halfling!" said an elf passing by on the other side of the street. He was one of a group of five. With their wild hairstyles and black leather clothes, they looked like teenage ruffians, but you could never tell with an elf. They could have been three hundred years old for all Tim knew. "Are you talking to me?"

"Oh no," said Tim, instinctively reverting back to the Common tongue. "I was talking to a friend."

The leader of the elf pack made a show of looking left, then right, then back at Tim. "I don't see no friends." He continued to speak in his native Elven language, or British as far as Tim was concerned. "Is your friend an elf?"

"No!" said Tim, not quite sure of why he said it so abruptly. "He's a… bird." From the confused and angry looks on their faces, he guessed he wasn't helping his situation.

The leader tilted his head until his neck cracked. "He's a bird?"

The conversation was slipping away from Tim. If he wanted to avoid getting his ass kicked by The Cure, he needed to try an unskilled Diplomacy check. "I mean, it's not that I don't have elf friends. I have elf friends. Well an elf friend, but –"

"I don't see no birds neither, mate," said the leader, stepping into the street toward Tim. "And if your friend is a bird, that still don't explain why you was shoutin' out in Elven."

"I think he's takin' the piss out of us, Derrick," said one of the subordinate elves, the one with the green curtain of hair hanging down over the right side of his face.

"Is that right, halfling?" said the leader, Derrick. "Are you takin' the piss?"

Tim sighed with relief. "That's precisely what I came out here to do."

Derrick stopped in his tracks right in the middle of the street. He turned back to his friends and laughed. "Do you believe this guy?"

"He fancies himself a jester," said the green-haired elf.

Derrick pointed at Tim. "You's a funny little guy."

Tim wanted to take the words at face value, but sensed they were more menacing than that. "Um… thank you?"

Derrick glanced up and down the empty street, then scowled at Tim. "Let's see how funny you are with no tongue." He flicked his wrist, and there was suddenly six inches of shiny steel in his hand.

Tim felt a rush of warmth in his crotch area as he made good on his word to take the piss.

"Is there a problem here?" said a voice from behind, and significantly above, Tim's head.

Cooper. Tim relaxed, but made no effort to stem the flow of urine down his left leg. There was really no point now.

Derrick, staring up past Tim, took a step back and retracted his blade. "Who are you?"

Tim crossed his arms over his chest, confident in spite of his soaked pants. "This is my friend, Cooper."

"That ain't no bird, mate."

"What the fuck is he talking about?" asked Cooper.

"Hullo then!" said Ravenus, flapping down to perch atop a parked wagon. "What's the trouble?"

Tim was uncomfortable speaking in a British accent around actual elves, but fuck it. These guys were assholes, and his dignity was already puddled around his feet.

"Julian wanted me to make sure you were okay."

"Couldn't be better, sir!" said Ravenus. "There's a sickly dire rat around the back of the pub. He's not quite dead, but he's nearly there. Whatever he's dying from is causing his skin to rot, so he tastes about right. I've been pecking away at him a bit, you see."

"That's lovely," said Tim. "I'll be sure and let Julian know."

"Very good then," said Ravenus. "Toodle pip!" He flew out of sight over the roof of the building.

"Well I'll be," said the green-haired elf. "He was tellin' the truth about the bird after all."

"I beg your pardon, mate," said Derrick, backing further away still.

"Fuck off," said Tim. "Come on, Coop. We're getting the V.I.P. treatment in here."

Tim led Cooper back through the crowded tavern, past the table they had been sitting at, which was now occupied by a group of gnolls, and finally to the curtained private rooms at the rear of the establishment.

"Booth number five," said Tim. He pulled back the curtain.

Soft pink and green light emanated from sconces near the ceiling, casting a soft, multi-colored glow on the table and benches below, reflecting and refracting on the fancy glassware.

That was as much as Tim had time to notice before Dave shouted, "YOOOOOOOOO!"

He was standing on the bench, opposite Julian and the stranger, his left hand raised over his head in devil horns, and his right hand holding an empty glass bottle upside down like a microphone.

"His name is Cooper! He's always in a stupor! He's late for the party cuz he was in the pooper!"

"Please make this stop," said Tim, as Dave made a poor attempt at beatbox noises.

"His strength is super! So call a state trooper! If you wanna battle him, you can –"

Cooper ended Dave's rap career with a swift, controlled punch in the face. Dave collapsed neatly into a sitting position. Cooper shoved his unconscious body to the side and took a seat next to him.

"Can someone please fill me in on what's been going on since I went out for a dump?"

Tim gestured at the stranger. "This man, Mr…"

"Please, just call me Colin."

"He's buying us drinks in exchange for us listening to his bullshit."

Cooper scratched behind his ear. "Is this like a timeshare pitch?"

"No," said Tim. "It's something about his sick kid who we're absolutely not going to help."

"Fuck," said Cooper. "That sounds depressing as shit. Better hook me up with some of whatever Dave was drinking."

Julian stuck to beer, either genuinely interested in Colin's blathering about curses and witches and drinking water, or doing a hell of a job of feigning it.

Tim was tempted to join Cooper in drinking whatever Dave had gotten so trashed on, but he didn't have as high a Constitution score as either of those two. Any drink that made Dave think he could rap was sure to put Tim in a coma. He wasn't quite ready for that just yet, so he also stuck to beer.

The night carried on and the drinks kept flowing. Julian held the party true to their word by listening to Colin drone on about his problems while Tim and Cooper looked through the half-open curtain and discussed which of the tavern's patrons they'd most like to have sex with.

Without an abundance of mammalian females in the establishment, Tim and Cooper's conversation devolved into which of the patrons they'd be willing to have sex with in a pinch, and then if continued civilization depended on it.

"That's not what I said," Cooper explained as he poured the remaining contents of a bottle into his glass. "I said it's not gay if you get halfway through before you find out it's a dude, like in Thailand."

Tim, halfway through his fifth mug of beer, forgot what argument he had been trying to make, and nodded his surrender to Cooper. The beer was taking its toll, and Tim's eyelids were getting heavy.

"Dude!" said Cooper. "Don't fall asleep! This is important, man!" He lightly slapped Tim on the cheek.

Tim shook himself out of sleep's grasp. "I'm awake! I'm awake!"

Cooper gulped back the rest of his drink. "I know what you need."

"Huh?"

"Some music."

"No, I don't –"

Cooper pulled the curtain all the way open and stepped out of the booth. "Let's get this party started!"

"What is he doing?" cried Colin. "Get him back in here this instant!"

The tavern's patrons watched in stunned silence as Cooper tried to sing YMCA. He obviously didn't know any of the lyrics. The only words he articulated were "Young man" and "YMCA." Being illiterate, he didn't even know what the letters looked like, so his accompanying dance resembled something more like PTX4. He made it all the way to a second X before a glass flew out of the crowd and smashed him in the forehead. Cooper went down like a chopped tree, and conversations picked up where they'd left off.

Colin and Julian dragged Cooper back inside and sat him down next to Dave.

Colin pulled the curtain shut. "Well, that was… interesting."

"Maybe it's time we call it a night," said Julian.

"But I have not yet finished my tale."

"I think we've heard enough."

"I haven't heard shit," said Tim. There was no way he was leaving without having a taste of whatever this stuff was that made Dave and Cooper think they could sing. Dave still had a nearly full glass in front of him. "Let him talk a bit more."

"How am I supposed to get all of you assholes back to the Whore's Head?"

"Just one more drink," said Tim, eyeing Dave's glass.

Julian sighed. "Fine, but that's it."

As Colin started talking again, Tim sniffed Dave's drink. It smelled like citrus. He took a sip. It was sweet and made his mouth tingle.

"Fantastic," he mumbled to himself before gulping back the rest of the glass.

"Okay," said Julian. "That was nice and quick. Now let's get out of here. Thank you for a wonderful night, Mr. Colin. We're sorry we can't help youuuuuuuuuuuu…"

Time slowed down. Tim's vision was suddenly in polarized shades of blue and orange. The rest of the night was like a series of shuffled photographs.

Julian screamed, clutching his forearm.

Colin's face elongated and became covered in fur. He had fangs and glowing red eyes. Sweet!

Ravenus was flapping around, scratching Colin in the face. Blue feathers everywhere.

Tim was standing on top of the table, singing My Sharona.

Gnolls carried them all outside and dumped them on the street.