(Original Publication Date: April 13, 2016)

Cooper's asshole itched something fierce. It was too deep an itch to scratch through the loincloth. He had to get his claws right up in there to properly meet the demand, but he couldn't do that while Dave was walking behind him. And he couldn't walk slower than Dave without everyone wondering what was wrong with him. There was only one option.

"Holy shit!" shouted Cooper, doing his best to look amazed as he peered ahead of the group into the forest. "It's El Dorito!" With that, he bolted forward as fast as his massive half-orc legs would carry him.

"Cooper, wait!" cried Tim.

"El Dorito?" asked Julian.

Neither of them would be able to keep up with Cooper's Base Movement Speed of 40, or even more due to him running down the side of a hill.

Cooper pounded the forest floor, ducking under branches and weaving around tree trunks until he thought he had enough of a lead to get a good scratch in, and maybe a couple soothing bonus scratches. He looked back to see if anyone was tailing him. The coast was clear. Just to be safe, he'd put a little more distance between himself and—

"Son of a bitch!" The pain in Cooper's right ear pulsed in his head as he lay on the ground.

He looked up at a pine branch hanging just about ear-height, missing a small scrap of bark and stained with a bit of dark red blood. His blood. "Fuck you, tree."

"Cooper?" Julian called out. "Are you okay?" He was still a pretty good distance away, but he must have heard Cooper swearing with his freakishly long elf ears.

As hard as his head was throbbing, his asshole itched even worse. Now was the time.

He stood up and squatted for optimal reach, lifted the back of his loincloth with his left hand, and plunged the clawed fingers of his right hand into his hole like a sarlacc toothbrush.

The relief was instant and glorious.

"Unnnnggggg," Cooper moaned. "Sooo worth it."

He blissfully scratched his ass until it was causing more pain than relief. Removing his hand, he found he was clutching a fistful of his own shit. When the hell had he last eaten corn?

"Shit, that's disgusting." That last fart had been a wet one, but he didn't think he'd actually—

A bird cawed loudly behind him.

Cooper turned around quickly, but kept his shit-filled hand behind his back. Ravenus was sitting on the tree branch that had assaulted him.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" said Cooper, despite knowing that the bird couldn't understand him. It didn't matter. He already knew the answer to the question. Julian had sent Ravenus after him.

Ravenus lifted his wings and squawked incomprehensibly.

"What's that?" said Cooper. "You don't understand me? Well maybe you'll understand this." He flung his handful of shit in Ravenus's direction, catching him squarely in the chest and face.

Ravenus fell off the branch and writhed on the ground, trying to flap away the greenish-brown paste gluing his feathers together.

"Oh shit, man. I'm sorry," said Cooper. "I didn't expect it to actually hit you that... directly."

"Ravenus!" Julian called out. He was closer now. "What's wrong?"

Fuck! Julian had that goddamn empathic link with Ravenus. He must have sensed the bird's reaction to suddenly being covered in half-orc shit.

Cooper looked down at the shit on his hand. He had to get rid of the evidence. He wrapped his hand around the smooth grey trunk of a young tree and rubbed up and down vigorously.

"Here they are," said Tim, jogging out from behind some undergrowth. "Cooper, are you jerking off that tree?"

The choice between making up a plausible lie and accepting the one that was just handed to him was no choice at all.

"Um... yes."

Tim closed his eyes and put his fingertips to his temples. "Why?"

Shit. Cooper hadn't anticipated this thorough an interrogation. Think fast. "You ever hear of a little place called Canada? This is how they make maple syrup."

"Ravenus!" cried Julian, kneeling over his bird, but stopping short of touching him. "What happened to you?"

Ravenus squawked and cawed.

"Don't listen to him," said Cooper. "He's a goddamn liar!"

Julian turned back to look at Cooper. "All he said was that he spotted a pool of clean water on his way here that he could wash himself off in."

Shit. No turning back now. "And I'm telling you that's a load of horseshit."

Julian ignored him, scraping some of the bigger gobs of shit off Ravenus's feathers with a twig.

Tim frowned at the greenish-brown section of tree trunk, then up at Cooper. "Maybe a bath isn't such a bad idea."

The little fucker must be using his Sense Motive skill. He could see right through the fortress of deceit Cooper had constructed around himself.

Cooper frowned. "You can't wash away a Charisma score of 4."

"Well maybe you could just wash your ass."

"You guys do what you want," said Julian. "But Ravenus needs a bath." He looked down at his bird. "Can you lead us to the pool?"

Ravenus whistled and chirped.

Julian stepped back and held one side of his serape up over his face Dracula-style. "He says we should shield ourselves. When he starts flapping, the shit will probably spray in every direction.

Tim took a defensive position behind Cooper. Cooper didn't even bother shielding himself, except to close his eyes, when Ravenus started flapping.

The bird wasn't wrong. Cooper felt the splatter of hundreds of tiny shit-gobs pelting him as Ravenus attempted to take flight.

"Hey guys. I'm here," said Dave, huffing and puffing like he'd just outrun a pack of wolves. "Where are the Dorit– Oh shit! What the fuck is – Oh God, stop already! Ugh, it's in my mouth!"

Seeing that was worth risking a little shit in the eyes. Cooper opened his eyes.

Dave had entered the clearing right next to where Ravenus was flapping. He looked like he'd just been standing next to a shit-grenade. His beard and leopard-furred forearm were caked in it. Cooper didn't know that much shit could fit in his hand.

Julian lowered his serape and pointed a thumb behind his shoulder. "Ravenus went that way."

Cooper led the way, ripping through vines, brambles, and small branches with the force of his girth, clearing a path for the others.

About ten minutes later, they came upon Ravenus, splashing in the edge of a crystal clear pool of water. His feathers were shiny black, with no trace of half-orc shit. There wasn't even a floating circle of filth around him.

"This is lovely," said Julian, pulling his serape up over his head.

"A little too lovely if you ask me," said Dave. "It doesn't really fit with the tone of this dreary forest."

Tim jumped in to where the water came up to his knees. Somehow, he'd managed to get completely undressed in the time it took Dave to bitch about how lovely the water was.

Naked but for his hip flask, Tim dropped to his bare ass. The pristine surface of the water barely rippled, and did nothing to hide his tiny halfling dick.

He took a swig from his flask. "Guys, you need to get in here. It's fucking heated. And the ground feels like I'm walking on baby asses." He squinted downward. "I can almost see through it."

Julian kept his pants on as he stepped into the water. When he got up to mid-shin, he sighed in a way that sounded like what Cooper finally being able to scratch his ass had felt like.

After staring thoughtfully at his feet for a moment, Julian dipped one hand into the water, then pulled it back out. "Look at this," he said, holding his hands side by side. "I didn't even realize how filthy I was."

The hand he had dipped in the water was pale white, making the rest of him look like a darker race.

Tim leaned back, submerging himself completely underwater, except for the hand holding his flask. When he resurfaced, he looked like a freshly-scrubbed, hairy-chested toddler wearing a brown glove.

"This isn't natural," said Dave. "We're in a forest. The water shouldn't be that clean. There should be bears and wolves pissing in it all the time."

"It must have some kind of magical cleansing properties or something," said Julian.

"I'm pissing in it right now," said Tim, staring a his crotch. He looked up and shrugged. "You can't even tell."

Julian grabbed Ravenus and waded to the opposite side of the pool.

Dave shook his head. "You're not really selling me on the idea as well as you think you might be."

Tim sucked down some more stonepiss from his flask. "I don't give a fuck if you come in here or not. You can stay covered in Cooper's shit for the rest of your life for all I care. Why don't you go give him a good salad-toss right now?"

"Come on, man," said Julian. "I don't need that image in my head."

Dave started to unbuckle his armor. "Fine. I'll come in."

"I honestly wasn't trying to convince you," said Tim. "Whoa! Hold on." He was now looking at Cooper.

Cooper stopped pulling down his loincloth. "What?"

"What are you doing?"

Cooper considered that there might be more to the question than the very very obvious, but he was in no mood for riddles. "I'm getting undressed."

"Well could you maybe... not?"

"Why the fuck not?" asked Cooper. "Nobody objected to you flapping your little wang all over the place."

Tim frowned as though what he said next wouldn't be well-received. "I meant, could you not get in the pool."

"It was your fucking idea, shithead! You told me I should wash my ass."

"I mean, just not yet." Tim took a swig from his flask. "Look, Coop. Julian's probably right about the magical cleansing properties of this pool. But we don't know how strong that magic is. Your shit is some pretty powerful... well... shit. If it's strong enough to break the spell or whatever, then that's no good for anyone."

"What about Dave? He's covered in the same shit I am."

"Dave has a thin spattering. You're coated in, like, a half-inch layer from head to toe, probably thicker around the ass and thigh areas. All I'm saying is, let the rest of us bathe first, then you get the whole pool to yourself. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Cooper folded his arms and sat down hard on a fallen tree. "I hope a fish bites your tiny dick off."

Dave, now completely naked, waddled his fat, wrinkly dwarven ass into the pool. "Oh man, you guys were right. This is amazing."

He swam out to the middle of the pool, his head and ass moving in unison above the surface of the water like three pasty and/or hairy islands. When he stood, he was up to his neck in water. He gargled the mouthful that he'd taken in, then spit it out.

"I've never tasted water so sweet. It's like liquid flower petals."

"You realize, of course," said Julian, "that this pool is contaminated with our collective filth."

"And I pissed in it," added Tim.

Dave sucked up some more water, swished it around in his mouth, and spit it out again. "It's still a lot less concentrated than the actual shit that was in my mouth."

Cooper sat angrily thinking about how everyone was complaining about the tiny bit of filth in their clear spring water while he was staring at a puddle of his own urine pool around his feet. He had been weighing the pros and cons of taking a big steamy leak in the pool when his bladder suddenly took that option off the table.

"Whoa!" said Dave. "What the hell is this?"

Cooper looked up. The water at the center of the pool was bubbling, but way too much for it to be a fart that Dave was trying to make an excuse for.

"Sweet!" said Tim. "Somebody turned on the jets."

Julian frowned. "This isn't actually a Jacuzzi. We should get out of here."

As Cooper observed, the water became murkier. He noticed that he could no longer see anyone's junk.

"It's getting thicker!" cried Dave. "Wait... what's going on?" His body was beginning to rotate. As he tried to freestyle swim his way out of the center of the pool, he only managed to throw back a blob of translucent sludge at Tim, who was now revolving slowly around Dave.

"What the fuck is going on?" asked Cooper. The water had become the consistency of glue, and was beginning to funnel in the center.

"How the hell should we know?" asked Tim. "Help us!"

"We're whirlpooling!" said Julian. With what looked like a massive amount of effort, he lifted his arms out of the swirling liquid, grabbed Ravenus, cocked him back over his head, and threw him at Cooper, hitting him square in the face.

It felt like a big ball of Jell-O when it hit him, but re-liquefied upon impact, running down his face and chest like normal water. With the tip of his tongue, he sampled a bit that had spattered onto his upper lip. No mistaking the taste either. It was water all right. He didn't taste anything like flower petals, or whatever bullshit Dave had said. In fact, it tasted a little bit dirty, with just a hint of piss.

"Cooper!" shouted Tim. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Fuck!

"I don't know. What should I do?" They were swirling around faster now.

"Noooo!" cried Dave, his head barely above the surface. "I can't braaghhblaagglpppt!"

Cooper wouldn't be able to reach any of them without getting in. But as soon as he stepped forward, Tim shouted at him again.

"No! Don't come in!"

"Seriously, dude?" said Cooper. "Now you're just being an asshole."

"There's a rope in my bag. Throw it to me."

Cooper nodded. "Good call." He grabbed Tim's bag and turned back to the pool. "Ready? Catch!"

"What? No!"

Cooper hurled the bag at Tim. His failure to account for the motion of the whirlpool landed the bag out of both Tim and Julian's reach. Dave had completely disappeared under the surface.

"You fucking moron!" said Tim. "I meant one end of the rope. Not the whole goddamn bag!"

"I'm sorry!" said Cooper. "You should have been more specific."

"Fuck yuhggbgliglub..." Tim's head disappeared under the surface, leaving only his right hand raised, middle finger extended, orbiting the center of the pool at an increasingly high speed.

The whirlpool coned deeper downward into the earth.

"Cooper!" said Julian as he spiraled down into the center. "Take care of Ravenus!"

Ravenus screeched as Julian's head submerged.

"What? Your fucking bird? I don't even... Fuck this!" Cooper raced toward the swirling vortex and dove straight for the center. While he was in midair, the translucent sludge instantaneously changed back into a clear, still pool. He bellyflopped on the surface, but it didn't even sting. The water was warm and soothing, almost to the point of making him forget that his friends had all just drowned.

He shook off the tranquility of the pool when he saw Ravenus waddling toward it.

"Stop! It's too dangerous. Julian told me to take care of you. If I'm just following him to his death, I can at least grant his dying request."

Ravenus paused for a moment, then started toward the pool again. Of course. The stupid bird didn't understand English. He only knew that bullshit they spoke in England. Maybe pantomiming would work.

Cooper put out his palm toward Ravenus. "Stop!" Ravenus stopped.

Okay. Now they were getting somewhere.

Cooper pinched the tips of his ears and pulled them upward. "Julian." He dragged a thumb across his neck. "Dead." He shrugged. "Maybe."

Ravenus shook his head.

"How the fuck do you know?" Cooper thought about how he could best convey that question best through pantomime. It came to him in a flash of brilliance. He shrugged. "How..." He raised his middle finger at Ravenus. "... the FUCK do YOU..." He pointed at his own head. "...know?" Perhaps he was diluting the meaning of a shrug, but it should have been clear in context.

Ravenus stubbornly continued waddling toward him.

"Goddammit, Ravenus! Don't you understand sign language? I said FUCK OFF!" Cooper cocked back his arm, his palm halfway submerged in the water, and prepared to send a tsunami of a splash at the bird. When he shoved his hand forward, however, the water barely rippled around it.

"What the fuck?" This was not how water was supposed to behave. Of course, it also wasn't supposed to coalesce into slime and swallow his friends. So maybe, in a big picture sort of way, the splash thing wasn't so weird.

It didn't matter. If Julian could throw Ravenus out of the pool, Cooper could launch that feathered shitball into the stratosphere.

He started wading toward the bird. Each step was more laborious than the last. Ravenus was veering to the left like he was out of alignment, or like one of them was drunk.

Ravenus hopped into the water, which Cooper now noticed was beginning to thicken. The bird wasn't veering. He was. Now both of them were swirling in a vat of lube, orbiting the center which was funneling downward again.

Cooper gave up on trying to save Ravenus. If the bird wanted to die with him, so be it. He relaxed and let himself float like a fibrous turd in a bus station toilet. When the rotations became faster and close enough to the center, he took a deep breath.

A few seconds after the thick liquid engulfed him completely, Cooper felt the sensation of falling through air. His eyes were glued together with slime, but he was able to open his mouth to take one more breath before he bellyflopped again. This time it stung like water was supposed to sting.

Underwater, he rubbed the slime out of his eyes. When he opened them, some kind of scaly green fish-man was swimming right at him. He barely had time to scream out a torrent of bubbles and punch the fucker in its slimy face.

A mixture of snot and blood squirted out of the creature's nostrils and hung suspended in the water like astronaut puke.

The fish-man covered his face with webbed hands. Cooper started to swim forward to ride the advantage he'd just created, but more webbed hands grabbed his arms and legs from behind.

Cooper was a strong swimmer. Because Swim was one of the few Strength-based skills in the game, he'd dumped as many skill points into it as he could. But in spite of that, his efforts to struggle free were in vain. These slimy assholes were strong as fuck, and made for the water. Even with his Barbarian Rage, he didn't think he'd be able to break free. He would wait and see if they tried to drown him before testing that theory.

Fortunately, the fish-men dragged him up toward the surface.

As Cooper sucked in his fill of stagnant subterranean air, the fish-men let go of his limbs and surfaced around him. The message was clear. He wasn't going anywhere.

Also clear were these things' horrible faces. Through the haze of murky water, the dude Cooper had punched looked like your run-of-the-mill fish-man monster. But in the sharp clarity of viewing them in open air, and the dim light shining through the watery anus in the ceiling, the mucus coating that Cooper had felt on his fist glimmered on their deformed fish faces. They looked like burn victims whose skin was overcompensating. The one he had punched was identifiable by the two streams of blood still running from its nostrils to its big fish lips.

"Hey, um... Swamp Thing. Sorry about that. You startled me. No hard feelings?"

The fish-man responded in a language that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher.

"I don't know what you're –" Something like a giant wet turd landed on Cooper's head. "What the fuck?"

The fish-men laughed while Cooper wiped the slimy mass off his head. In the water before him, a slime-encapsulated Ravenus writhed and flapped while the gelatinous coating dissolved.

"Oh, hey Ravenus," said Cooper. "What's up?"

Having shed most of the slime, Ravenus looked around at their captors, then flapped and squawked more vigorously.

After the fish-men exchanged a few words in their nasally fish language, the one Cooper had punched licked his big fish lips while gawking at Ravenus with hungry eyes.

Cooper had just enough time to grab Ravenus and throw him up in the air before the fish-man caught him. "Fly, Ravenus! Find Jul–"

*FWUMP!*

Cooper's face felt like it had been hit by a flying log covered in snot. "Mother fucker!" Two images of Swamp Thing merged into one as Cooper wiped blood from under his nose. "What the fuck was that for?"

Swamp Thing shouted nonsense while pointing at his own nose.

"Oh, I see how it is. I hit you, so you gotta hit me. That's real fucking mature. Haven't you ever heard of 'Turn the other cheek', asshole?" Cooper felt a familiar tug in his guts. All the stress from worrying about his friends and getting captured by fish monsters, in addition to the strain of treading water for so long, was giving him gas.

As a torrent of relief flowed out of Cooper's ass, the surface of the water erupted with bubbles like it was being carpet bombed.

The fish-men scowled and backed away from him, though not far enough for him to escape.

"Sorry, guys," said Cooper. "I was... um... turning my other cheeks."

Swamp Thing honked out some orders, and two of the other fish-men broke off from the group. They swam toward the edge of the pool where four wooden pails were sitting. They each filled two of the pails and walked off down a wide corridor.

The rest of the group closed in a tighter circle around Cooper. Swamp Thing swam backwards toward the opposite edge of the pool from where the buckets had been, and gestured for Cooper to follow him.

Not having to tread water anymore sounded just fine to Cooper, so he raised no argument. The others followed close behind him.

Outside of the pool, Cooper had a better view of his surroundings. The main chamber was an irregular blob in shape, carved out of layered clay and earth. At the top, of course, there was some kind of pulsating sphincter which fed would-be bathers into the large, rectangular pool below. Tunnels lined the base of the walls. One of the tunnels, the one the two bucket-carrying fish-men retreated into, was significantly larger than all of the others, large enough to drive a bus through. The other tunnels were much smaller, and all seemed to lead downward, unlike the larger tunnel which seemed to stay level with the main chamber. On the whole, the place looked much like what Cooper imagined the inside of an ant colony must look like, except bigger... and with a swimming pool. Maybe a luxury ant colony.

Swamp Thing led Cooper toward one of the smaller tunnels. The fish-men were noticeably less graceful on land than they were in the water. They plodded along with their big webbed feet flopping on the ground, like men trying to walk in swim fins.

The tunnel was only wide enough for them to walk single file. It sloped downward at an angle that might have made a cool water slide, but would likely only rub his ass raw if he tried to slide on it dry. Cooper briefly considered the tactical advantage of walking single file. If he caught Swamp Thing by surprise with a kick in the nuts, sending him tumbling down the tunnel a bit, he would only have to face the other four one at a time. But then Swamp Thing would, in a best-case scenario, only be out of the fight for a couple of rounds, and then return with sore nuts. That dude was a big believer in retaliation. For the sake of his own nuts, he decided to hold off for a while, and use this opportunity to observe and consider alternative strategies.

They walked for a long time down the earthen-walled tunnel. It probably wasn't as far as it seemed, though. These web-footed assholes could swim like motherfuckers, but were at least as slow as Dave on land. Cooper was tempted to punch one just to break up the monotony of their flopping footsteps.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Eventually they came to a small cell. The entrance was an iron gate held into place by what appeared to be a big stone doughnut. It didn't seem to have much more thought or care put into it than the scraped out walls of the tunnel, but it looked solid enough. Probably the work of a Stone Shape spell. He might be able to dig his way around it, but there was no way to tell how far the stone was embedded in the earth.

Swamp Thing pulled a key off his chest that, along with the thin rope that it hung from around his neck, had been hidden by his constant secretion of mucus. After shaking most of the slime off, he inserted the key into the gate lock, opened the gate barely wide enough for Cooper to slip through, puckered his big fish lips, and looked expectantly at Cooper.

Go in the easy way, or have his fishfucker thugs force him in? No point in getting the shit beat out of him now. Not until he'd come up with a plan. He stepped through the open gate, into an empty cell that was barely big enough for him to lie down in.

As Swamp Thing locked the gate, Cooper noticed that there wasn't even a bucket for him to shit in. They were prepared to house prisoners, but not for any extended length of time. Cooper was proud of himself for coming up with this conclusion, but felt it didn't bode well for him or his friends.

Swamp Thing slipped the key rope back over his head, and it was almost immediately engulfed in mucus again.

Cooper gave the bars a token shake. "What are you going to do with me? What have you done with my friends? Where am I supposed to shit?"

Swamp Thing spit a stream of brownish-green slime-water at Cooper's face. He and the others shared a laugh and started walking back toward the large chamber.

The limit for how much shit he was willing to take from these assholes having been reached, Cooper employed his Barbarian Rage.

"I'm really angry!"

The flopping of the fish-men's feet was drowned out by the rush of blood flowing through Cooper's ears. His vision turned pink as his hands grew larger around the shrinking cell door.

"UnnnnggggggGraah!" The hinges popped in rapid succession, and Cooper found himself standing outside of the cell, door in his hands, face-to-face with a wide-eyed Swamp Thing.

"Wrrraaaahhh!" said Cooper as he shoved the bottom of the door into Swamp Thing's chest, impaling him with two of the iron bars. If the scaly bastard survived being run through with a door, he surely didn't fare so well after Cooper trampled over him, and the door, on his way to confront the rest of them.

The first one was waiting for him, fist cocked, ready to deliver a slime-cannon to Cooper's face. Cooper took a knee and ducked under the blow. He brought his own fist up to meet the fish-man's nutsack. Or was it a fish—woman's nutsack? Because there was no nutsack. His fist was just sort of... in there. Was he fisting a fish-chick? Maybe they had cloacas. Either way, it was awkward.

Keep your head in the game. Don't lose the Rage.

Cooper's opponent grabbed him by both ears and bit him on top of the head. Motherfucker had a lot of teeth in that big mouth.

"Yeeeooooowww!" Cooper screamed as he removed his hand from the fish-person's orifice. Rather than try to rip his head from its grasp outright, he rolled backward. It let go as it fell behind him, but now he was flanked, a situation he had been meaning to avoid.

His violated opponent on the ground for the time being, Cooper focused his attention on the next one in line. It lunged at him, both webbed hands and mouth open. Cooper opened his own hand and palmed the creature in the face. He was packing a lot more slime than he'd expected. It was a mix of green and red and brown, like someone took a dump in the Christmas Jell-O.

The fish-monster reeled back, not so much from the force of Cooper's slap, he expected, but from the horror of what was seeping into its eyes, nostrils, and mouth.

The immediate threat temporarily blinded by... whatever, Cooper turned back to find the creature he'd inadvertently entered was back up on its feet and crouched to spring.

Even in his Rage and with the threat of impending death, Cooper wanted to avoid punching a girl in the face if he could. When it sprang at him, Cooper grabbed it by the throat and hurled it backward.

"Learn how to wipe!"

The creature howled in agony as the top bars of the cage door burst out of its belly and chest. It flapped its webbed appendages until they went limp.

It was time to stop fucking around. His friends were still around here somewhere. Cooper turned around, once again only threatened on one side. His immediate threat was sobbing while trying to scrape the vag-shit out of its eyes.

"FUCK YOU!" shouted Cooper. He kicked it in the gut, sending it flying into the fish-monster behind it.

The last fish-person in line turned tail and ran, it's webbed feet flopping loudly on the dirt floor of the tunnel. In hot pursuit, Cooper trampled the two on the ground, but one of them grabbed his ankle, tripping him. He hit the ground hard, then looked back to see the fish-monster without shit all over its face climbing up his left leg.

Cooper didn't have time for this shit. If he let one of these fuckers get away, they might raise an alarm, calling forth a whole army of watery assholes. With his right leg, he drove his foot down hard, relishing the crunch of face beneath his heel. His left leg was suddenly free of the creature's grasp.

His fears of the creature's escape proved unfounded. These things couldn't run for shit on land. Cooper caught up with the fleeing fish-person just as the opening of the tunnel came into view. He tackled it and punched it in the back of the head until it stopped moving.

With the immediate threat neutralized, Cooper's Barbarian Rage subsided, and his bulging muscles deflated back into flab. He felt for the creature's pulse through the mucus on its neck. Its heart was still beating. He hadn't killed it.

Cooper had two choices. He could kill this thing dead and go look for his friends on his own, or he could keep it alive and beat some answers out of it. The interrogation option felt more ethical. He grabbed the fish-person by the foot and dragged it toward the pool outside of the tunnel.

Barbarian Rage had sapped a lot of his energy, and Cooper was a sweaty exhausted mess by the time he made it to the pool.

"No time to rest," Cooper grumbled to himself. His friends needed him.

Positioning the unconscious fish-monster face down at the edge of the pool, Cooper sat on its back and dunked its face in the water. After a few seconds, he pulled the head up by its slimy hair.

The fish-person's eyes were wide open.

"Ready to talk, asshole?" said Cooper.

"Wha wahh waaa whaa wa," said the fish-monster.

"English, motherfucker!" Cooper shoved the creature's head back down into the water. After counting slowly to ten, he pulled the head back again. "Where the fuck are my friends?"

"Whaa wa waa wha wa!"

"I can't understand your crazy fish language!" Cooper shoved its head underwater again. "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississ–"

"Cooper!" Tim's voice came from behind him.

Cooper turned around. "Tim?"

Tim was naked and sopping wet. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I have a prisoner. I was interrogating him."

"It's not going to do you any good," said Tim. "He doesn't speak the Common tongue. And besides that, he's amphibious."

Cooper concentrated for a moment. "He's neither right nor left handed?"

"No, dumbass. That's ambidextrous."

"He's into dudes?"

"Jesus, Cooper." Tim's voice was starting to take on that familiar 'Please punch me in the throat' tone. "He can breathe underwater."

"What?" Cooper pulled the creature's head out of the water again. Its face betrayed less distress than Cooper thought appropriate, considering that he'd lost track of time while he was talking to Tim. "That's cheating!"

"Hey guys," said Julian, emerging from the tunnel adjacent to the one Tim had come from. He had Ravenus with him and, for reasons beyond any Cooper could guess, also a horse. "What's going on?"

"Don't 'What's gong on?' me," said Tim. "Why the hell did you summon a horse down here?"

"This is Gilbert," said Julian. "He kicked open the cell door for me."

Tim nodded. "That was actually pretty resourceful. Well done."

"How did you get out?"

"I picked the lock. As soon as those fishface fuckers started closing in on us, I grabbed my lock picks out of the bag that Cooper was stupid enough to throw at me."

"You're welcome," said Cooper. "How did either one of you two pansies fight your way through the guards?"

Tim and Julian looked at each other, then back at Cooper.

"I didn't," said Tim. "I waited for them to leave."

"Me too," said Julian. "Those things are strong as hell, and we're unarmed. What did you fight them with?"

"The cell door."

Tim looked down at the fish-person pinned under Cooper. "Can you hurry up and kill this one so we can get the hell out of here?"

"I'm not going to kill it. Can't we just tie it up or something?"

"With what? Our dicks?"

"Certainly not yours." The tip of Tim's halfling dick barely poked out from his massive pube nest.

"Fuck you," said Tim.

"Shut up," said Julian.

Tim gave him the finger. "Fuck you too."

"No, seriously. Shut up for a second. I think I hear something." Julian cupped a hand next to one of his ridiculously long elf ears. "Two more," he whispered. "Coming this way from the big tunnel." Silently, he gestured for Cooper to travel counter-clockwise around the pool while he and Tim went the other way, and they'd meet on either side of the tunnel's opening. He was much better at improvisational sign language than Cooper was.

"What about this asshole?" asked Tim, pointing down to Cooper's captive.

Cooper gave it a solid punch in the back of the head. It hadn't been struggling, but the sudden lack of tension in its muscles led Cooper to believe it was genuinely unconscious. He let the head drop back down into the water.

"He'll be okay, right? On account of him being an Albanian?"

Julian squinted at him. "A what?"

"Amphibian," said Tim. "He's fine. Let's go."

Cooper didn't worry about being too quiet. He figured no one could bitch at him as long as he made less noise than Julian's goddamn horse. It was only when they had met on the other side of the pool at their respective sides of the large tunnel's entrance, and everyone stopped moving, that Cooper was finally able to hear the flopping of wet webbed feet against hard-packed earth. This was Julian's plan. Cooper looked to him for further instructions.

Julian pointed at Cooper, then punched the air. He pointed at himself, then threw his hands forward in a gesture which suggested a magical spell way more powerful than any he could perform. He pointed at Tim, then shrugged. Tim responded with a jerking off gesture, equally generous with regard to what he had to work with.

Julian's horse seemed to be picking up on the increasing tension in the air. It pawed its hooves on the ground restlessly and grunted and snorted.

"Okay, Tim," said Julian. "Your job can be keeping Gilbert calm."

"Do I look like the fucking horse whisperer to you? Why don't you just dispel it?"

"That would be wasteful. Now be quiet and stroke his mane. He likes that."

"I'm only three goddamn feet tall. All I could stroke is his dick."

Cooper nodded to himself. It was a solid plan. Surely there was no sight more distracting than a naked midget jerking off a horse. The fish-men would be caught entirely off guard. He would put the first one in a choke hold while Julian – Wait... What the fuck were they doing now?

Julian picked up Tim and placed him on the horse's saddle. When he turned around again, Cooper waved for his attention.

Julian mouthed the word, "What?"

The flopping footsteps were getting closer. Cooper didn't have time to carefully think through a pantomime. He did his best. He started with a shrug, then a jerking off gesture with his left hand, and finally a choke hold with his right arm.

By the look on Julian's face, he guessed his attempt at non-verbal communication had once again failed. He couldn't blame Julian. Now that he considered it, he probably looked like he was trying to give a reach around to an unwilling bear.

Ah well. At least the horse seemed to have calmed down.

Flop. Flop. Flop. The footsteps were very close now.

Julian nodded at Cooper. Cooper nodded back. Julian held up one finger, then two. With the third finger, he jumped in front of the tunnel entrance.

"Magic Miss–" His spell was interrupted by a bucket to the face. Magic sparked and crackled ineffectively from his right hand.

Cooper, only now realizing the significance of Julian's counting, lunged for the fish-person who had bucketed Julian. He was intercepted mid-lunge with a bucket in his own face.

"Son of a bitch, that hurts!" said Cooper. It couldn't have done more than a couple Hit Points' worth of damage to him, but goddamn. What kind of assholes fight exclusively with buckets?

"Waa wa wha wa wa!" said the fish-person who had hit Julian.

Tim whistled. "Hey! Shithead!"

"Wha wa?" said the fish-person, turning around to face Tim just before receiving two hooves to the chest. With a simultaneous squelch and crunch, the creature flew backwards. The bucket in its left hand connected with Cooper's ear.

"Goddammit!" Cooper shouted.

The standing fish-man held his buckets in front of him defensively. "Please! Wait!" he said in a croaky voice.

"Give me that!" said Cooper, ripping one of the buckets out of the creature's webbed hand. He pounded it over the head with the bucket repeatedly as he shouted, "How. Do. You. Fucking. Like. That. Asshole!"

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "Stop!"

Cooper stopped, not because Julian had told him to, but because his bucket was smashed to pieces.

Julian forced himself between Cooper and the cowering fish-person.

"Get out of the way," said Cooper. "He's still got one more bucket. I want to beat the shit out of him some more."

"Didn't you hear him?" asked Julian. "He said 'Please! Wait!'."

"Who gives a shit? You can't call 'Time Out' in the middle of a fight."

"No, you dolt! Think for a minute. He speaks the... What do you call it in the game? The International Language?"

Cooper scratched his head. "Love?"

"The Common Tongue," said Tim. "Good call, Julian." He hopped down from the horse and stood before the creature. It was bleeding more than its bucket wounds should have accounted for, and in places he hadn't even been hit. Its mucus coating was thin to the point of being nonexistent, and the skin underneath was pale and cracked. "Cooper, what the hell did you do to it?"

"I didn't do anything! Well, aside from beat it with a bucket, but –"

"Waaa...teeerr," the fish-person croaked weakly.

"You're thirsty?" asked Cooper.

"My... skin. It's too... dry."

"His skin needs moisture," said Julian. "Like a beached whale. We need to get him to the pool."

"Not so fast," said Tim. "First he can answer some questions. Who are you? And why did you lock us up?"

"We are scum. We obey the master's commands."

Julian pulled Tim and Cooper away from the creature. "This guy's been through a lot. Maybe we should go easy on him."

"He tried to kill me with a bucket!" said Cooper.

"I think you got adequate revenge for that. He's obviously in some kind of abusive Theon Greyjoy Stockholm Syndrome type of relationship with his so-called master. He called himself scum."

Tim rolled his eyes. "That's skum, spelled with a 'k'."

"No it isn't," said Julian. "Where the hell did you go to school?"

"It's a type of creature, dumbass. It's in the Monster Manual."

"Oh." Julian frowned. "Well I still think we should put him in the water. What we're doing here is torture. Aren't we too good of people for that."

Cooper thought of his previous attempt at interrogation. "Maybe not too good for, but also not good at."

"Just pick him up and drop him in the pool before –"

"We're too late," said Tim.

Cooper and Julian looked back. The two skum were sprawled on the ground, their skin as dry and thin as paper. The one who had gotten kicked by the horse was missing its eyes, and Ravenus was perched on the head of the one who had spoken English.

"Ravenus!" said Julian. "Don't you dare!"

Ravenus squawked and flapped his wings.

"You don't know that. He might only be unconscious."

Tim knelt down next to the dead-looking skum and slapped it lightly on the face. "Come on, man. Wake up! If Dave can bring his Hit Points to more than zero, he might be able to... Hey, where the hell is Dave?" He looked up at Cooper and Julian. "Oh shit. Did we forget about Dave?"

Julian looked down at his feet. "I um... thought we were looking for him."

Cooper scratched his ass. "If I'm honest, I forgot about Dave."

"This is no use," said Tim. "Cooper. Pick him up and throw him in the pool."

Cooper bent over and slid his forearms under the skum's neck and knees, picking him up forklift style. The body was cool and surprisingly dry. He walked over to the edge of the pool and launched the body in a somersaulting arc into the middle of the pool, where it landed face down with a moderate splash.

"Jesus, Cooper!" cried Tim. "I didn't mean you should literally throw him. We're trying to see if he's got any life left in him."

"Well I didn't know that. I thought we were just dumping a body."

Tim frowned, looking at the floating skum lying still on top of the water. "From the looks of it, I guess we were."

"Should I do the other one too?" asked Cooper.

"No. Let's go find Dave."

Ravenus cawed excitedly.

Julian sighed. "Fine, whatever. But I'm not going in there to flip the body over for you." He turned away as Ravenus flew toward the floating corpse. "I can't look at this. Should we search all the smaller tunnels first, or start with the big one?"

Tim put his hands behind his head and stretched backwards as he pissed into the pool. "Floppy McBirdfood said something about a master. If there's a Big Bad in this sewer, I'm betting his lair is down the big tunnel."

"But there are dozens of tunnels to search," said Julian. "What if Dave's getting raped by fish monsters the whole time?"

"They're skum."

"I can't bring myself to call them that."

"You just called them fucking rapists!" said Tim, shaking the last drops of pee from his dick.

"I didn't say they were raping him. I said they could be, or even worse."

Cooper picked up pissing in the pool where Tim left off. He watched Ravenus trying to peck a hole through the back of the dead skum's head. "What's worse than getting raped by fish monsters?"

"How about getting murdered and eaten by fish monsters?" Julian's tone was growing impatient.

"I don't know," said Cooper. "Given the choice, I think I'd rather –"

"Fine!" said Julian. "Can we settle on 'differently just as bad?' My point is that Dave could be in serious danger right now, while you guys are wasting time pissing in a pool."

"Or more likely," said Tim, "he's just sitting in a cell like the rest of us were, but lacks the brute strength, brains, or Gordon the Magical Fucking Horse to free himself."

"It's Gilbert."

"Whatever. If we have to go up against a boss monster, I'd rather do it with the healer in the party." Tim looked at Cooper. "What do you think?"

Cooper shrugged. "Those skum are pretty tough in the water, but not so much on land. Hell, if shit gets too thick, we can just outrun them. Out of the water, they're as slow as –" Tim had been making a lot of sense, and Cooper didn't want to lend any more weight to Julian's argument than he'd intended to.

"Cooper?" said Julian. "What were you going to say?" His encouraging tone suggested he knew exactly what Cooper was going to say.

Cooper hung his head. "Dave."

"There you have it," said Julian. "We could take a peek down the big tunnel at minimal risk to ourselves, or we could waste a bunch of time in the little tunnels while Dave is potentially being violated and/or murdered."

"Logically, what you propose sounds like a tremendously stupid idea," said Tim. "So why does it suddenly seem so reasonable to me? Wait a minute... You're using Diplomacy on me again, aren't you?" He clapped his hands over his ears and shut his eyes. "Get the fuck out of my head!"

Julian smiled. "I guess that's that, then. Cooper, would you care to lead the way?"

Cooper picked up Tim and put him back on the horse's saddle.

After about five minutes of walking along the wide earthen corridor, they came to the first of a series of hard-packed steps. Each was about half a foot tall, and four feet deep. They made for an easy, gradual climb.

Ten minutes into Tim's constant bitching about how he couldn't see, Julian raised a more puzzling question.

"How high have we climbed? How are we even still underground at this point?"

"We must be climbing up into that hill Cooper ran down," said Tim. "Do you have any Light spells?"

"I can cast it on a fixed point in space. But if we want it to travel with us, I need to cast it on an inanimate object."

"Cast it on your pants," said Tim.

"I don't want light shining out of my crotch. What if I need to hide?"

Cooper, who could see just fine with his Darkvision, clawed a small chunk of rock out of the dirt wall. "Here."

The passage had apparently grown too dark for even Julian's Low Light Vision; he waved his hand around like a jackass before finally connecting with Cooper's.

"Light," said Julian. The light from the rock was blinding at first, but the spots in his vision slowly faded, mingling with the new light's reflection sparkling on the water just ahead of them.

"This is a dead end?" asked Tim.

"We could swim," suggested Cooper.

"This water could be crawling with skum, and I can see the other side from here. Why didn't you tell us we were at a dead end, so Julian wouldn't have to blow a spell?"

"Why don't you blow me?"

"Take it easy, guys," said Julian. "It's just a zero-level spell. I've got plenty." He stroked his horse's mane. "Take a drink, Gilbert." He held his enchanted chunk of rock out over the water, shining it left, then right. "Doesn't look like there's anything here." He walked back and shone his light back down the tunnel. "From what I could tell, this is the only tunnel leading upward. The rest of them led deeper underground. We can take each tunnel, clockwise one at a time, until we find –"

"JESUS!" cried Tim.

When Cooper looked back, the horse was struggling to stand, its head completely engulfed by a massive three-eyed fish.

Tim jumped off the back of the horse just in time to avoid being grabbed by one of the four tentacles reaching for him from the creature's sides. They struck the horse instead, and it disappeared instantly.

The fish's lamprey-like mouth closed around nothing as it fell, smacking the bottom of its head against the dirt at the side of the pool.

"Gilbert!" cried Julian.

"Who gives a shit about your horse?" said Cooper. "What the fuck is that thing?"

The fish retreated backwards into the water, which had suddenly become thick, opaque, and rancid. Its three eyes peeked above the surface, staring at them.

"You dare bring a false offering to Bal'Horzahg?" Whatever had spoken hadn't done so in the conventional sense. The words had bypassed Cooper's ears and been directly transmitted into his brain somehow.

Had the others heard it?

Tim clapped his hands over his ears. "Get the fuck out of my head!"

Apparently so.

"I think the fish is talking to us," said Julian.

"I am no fish!" said the voice that wasn't really a voice. "I am an aboleth, a denizen of the underworld."

Tim's eyes were tearing up as he coughed. "You're a denizen of a shithole. Seriously, how do you live in that?"

"I was betrayed by my own kind. When we consume a creature, we gain their memories. I know many terrible secrets. The other aboleths feared my growing power and imprisoned me here, where I've wallowed for years in my own waste."

"It didn't look, or smell, like this a minute ago."

"My powers of illusion are strong, and your minds are weak."

"Why didn't they just kill you?" asked Julian.

"The temptation to consume me, inheriting my knowledge, would be too great. But one day my skum shall find an underground river or lake, and I shall escape into the outside world and be free to exact my revenge."

"Is that why they're digging all those tunnels?"

"You are correct, elf."

Well, not technically, since I killed them all.

Bal'Horzahg turned to Cooper. "You did what?"

"Shit. Did I say that out loud?"

Tim and Julian glared at Cooper.

"He can read our minds, asshole," said Tim. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

Cooper frowned. "It's probably obvious now, in context."

"No matter," thought Bal'Horzahg. "You shall make suitable replacements."

"Fuck that," said Tim. "We're getting the fuck out of here." He turned around and started walking.

"Stop!" thought Bal'Horzahg.

Much to Cooper's surprise, Tim did as he was told. He faced the aboleth and got down on his knees. "I serve only you, mighty Bal'Horzahg."

"Shit," said Cooper.

"Very good," thought Bal'Horzahg. "The little one's mind is weak."

"Whoa," said Tim. "I blacked out there for a second. What happened?"

"Once I've turned you all to skum, you shall dig more tunnels until you find me a way out of this pit."

"I've got a better idea," said Julian. "Why don't we go get a wagon, and we can travel overland and drop you off in a lake or something?"

"Outside of water, my skin would dry out and I would either die or be severely weakened. Perhaps I would survive, but my spawn would surely not."

Julian peered past the aboleth. "You've got kids?" He'd found his in for Diplomacy.

"Not yet," thought Bal'Horzahg.

"Oh."

Cooper nodded for Julian to keep that line of question going.

Julian shrugged. "Is there a Mrs. Bal'Horzahg down there with you?"

"We aboleth are hermaphroditic."

"Your blood doesn't clot properly?" asked Cooper.

Julian shot him a quick glare. "That's hemophilia."

Cooper scratched his ass thoughtfully. "He's into kids?"

"Dude!" said Tim. "Shut up!"

"It means we have both male and female sex organs," explained Bal'Horzahg.

Good. Then you can go fuck yourself.

"You shall pay for your insolence!"

"Sorry!" said Cooper, Julian, and Tim simultaneously.

Cooper looked at Tim. "Were you thinking, 'He could go...'"

"Low hanging fruit," said Julian. "It just popped into my head."

"He left himself wide open for it," said Tim. "I couldn't help –"

"SILENCE!" Bal'Horzahg was thinking in his outside voice now. "How dare you insult me! I, who have devoured the king of the merpeople?"

"Oooh," said Julian. "That's very impressive. He must have had some interesting memories."

"Silly elf. You try to win me over with flattery. Are you not aware that your deepest thoughts and motives are as plain to me as this toxic sewage in which I dwell?" Bal'Horzahg raised one of his tentacles out of the dark brown sludge and held it out toward Julian. "Come, touch me and let your transformation begin."

"I willingly obey," said Julian, reaching his hand out and stepping forward.

Cooper wondered if he should interfere, or whether Julian had a trick up his sleeve. "Uh... Julian?"

Julian took another step forward. "I want to be skum."

Cooper looked at Tim, who stood there watching with no sign of emotion, then back at Julian. "Are you sure? Because it kind of seems like it sucks."

As Julian was about to touch the tentacle, Bal'Horzahg began drifting to the right, like he was teasing Julian into stepping into the putrid water.

"Wait... happening to... what..." Bal'Horzahg's thoughts were fragmented and panicky. Cooper couldn't keep up with them. Suddenly, the giant fish plunged beneath the liquid filth. Cooper thought he could see a small whirlpool forming in the middle of it.

"Hey," said Julian. "What happened? Where's Bal'Horzahg?"

Cooper didn't know if it was Julian, Tim, Bal'Horzahg, or all three of them, but somebody had to be fucking with him.

"That asshole is still lingering in his mind," said Tim, digging his finger deep into his ear. "Motherfucker really gets up in there."

Cooper put his hands on Julian's shoulders. "He was about to turn you into skum. Did you want that?"

"I did," said Julian. He rubbed his temples. "Now I've got kind of mixed feelings about it."

"Let's get the fuck out of here."

"No," said Julian. "We should wait and talk it out more with Bal'Horzahg."

"We could do that," said Cooper. "Or..." He punched Julian in the face, threw him over his shoulder, and looked down at Tim.

"Hey, man," said Tim. "I'm cool."

Cooper scooped up Tim and started to run.

"Stop!" said Tim.

"No!" Cooper kept running. "Don't make me punch you too. I don't want to be alone down here."

"I think I saw something back there."

"Was it a harpoon?"

"No."

"Then I don't give a fuck."

Tim squirmed under Cooper's arm. "I spotted a pattern of rocks on the wall. They looked like purposely arranged handholds. It might have been a way out."

Cooper continued bounding down the stairs. "I don't know why that slimy asshole went all Das Boot on us, but if he comes back, and we're all standing around jerking off at some fucking rocks, he's going to dig into our brains and turn us into skum."

"What's the alternative?" asked Tim. "How the hell else are we going to get out of – JESUS CHRIST!"

Cooper stopped at the mouth of the tunnel. A stream of liquid shit had flowed up from one of the lesser tunnels and into the pool enough to darken a good quarter of it, but had since subsided.

Near the wet and chunky brown path, wandering around like a zombie, was some kind of mud-monster. It was dripping and moaning, its short fat arms stretched out in front of it.

"Mwaaaaah! Whaaaaa!" the mud-monster groaned.

Cooper dropped Julian and Tim at his sides.

"Ow," said Tim.

"I'll take care of this." Cooper charged at the creature, mentally reclassifying it as a shit-monster when its smell hit him. "Fuck the demon ass you squirted out of!"

"No, Cooper!" cried Tim. "It's –" Whatever else he said was lost in the crash of Cooper and the shit-monster colliding and splattering into the dirt.

Cooper had no weapons, so he straddled the shit-beast and punched it repeatedly.

"Cooper!" cried his foe, shielding its shitface with its shit-arms. "Stop!"

It knows my name.

Cooper throttled its shit-throat with both hands. "Get the fuck out of my head!"

"Idiot!" said Tim, suddenly on Cooper's back. "That's Dave!"

Cooper stopped slamming the creature's head into the dirt, but kept his hands firmly around its neck. "Bal'Horzahg turned Dave into a shit-monster?"

"He's not a shit-monster," said Tim. "He's just Dave, covered in shit."

Cooper released Dave and stood up. "That's disgusting. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Dave weakly raised his middle shit-finger up at Cooper.

"Honestly, Dave," said Tim. "Where have you been? And why are you covered in shit?"

Dave wiped a thick coating of shit from his face with both hands. He was no less brown, but the non-bearded parts of his face were now recognizable. "I heal me." He groaned and sighed as the magic sorted out his bumps and bruises. "They locked me in a cell."

"We guessed that much," said Tim. "They locked us all in cells. The rest of us escaped pretty easily."

"I escaped too, but it wasn't easy."

"What the fuck did you do?" asked Cooper. "Crawl through a whale's asshole?"

"I couldn't open the gate, so I Shawshanked my way through the wall. I started tunneling upward, hoping to reach the surface. Instead, I hit the bottom of some sort of shit reservoir. When it broke, the pressure blasted me right through the gate. It was up to my waist in no time. It rose up the tunnel faster than I could climb. I honestly thought I was going to drown in liquid shit." He looked at the mouth of the tunnel he'd come from. "I guess it stopped."

"Bal'Horzahg," said Tim. "He plugged the hole."

"You mean he's actually fucking himself?" asked Cooper.

Dave squinted at him. "What?"

"No," said Tim. "He'll die without moisture. He swam down to plug the hole that Dave made."

"So he's plugging Dave's hole?"

"Technically, I... Shut up, Cooper."

"How does it feel, Dave?"

"Shut up, Cooper," said Dave. "Who the hell is Bal'Horzahg?"

"He's an aboleth."

The whites of Dave's eyes widened against his shit-caked skin. "You guys met an aboleth? How are you still alive?"

Cooper snorted. "You opened your hole in the nick of time."

Tim glared up at Cooper. "Would you knock that shit off?" He looked back at Dave. "But yeah, that's true. You saved us, buddy. We owe you." Tim was speaking conspicuously less prickish than he normally did.

Dave shrugged. "It was my pleasure."

"Good," said Tim. "Because we need you to do it again."

"What?"

Tim licked his lips. "Listen, Dave. There's a pattern of discolored rocks on the wall right near the aboleth's pool. They look like handholds. It's my guess that was how the skum went in and out when the need arose."

"And?"

"And we need somebody to go up there and lower a rope through the pool trap while the aboleth is distracted."

"Why me?"

"Because it knows that's our only hope of escape," said Julian, rubbing his swollen black eye. "It'll die if it doesn't transform at least one of us into its slave, so that we can repair the leak and bring it food."

"What happened to you?" asked Dave.

"Cooper punched me in the face."

Dave glared at Cooper. "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I –"

"Hang on," Dave continued. "I still don't see why I'm the one who has to go. Tim's sneakier. Cooper's faster and a better climber."

"But you're more expendable," said Cooper.

"Screw you guys. I'm not –"

"You're wiser," said Tim.

Dave rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Leave the flattery to Julian. You suck at it."

"No flattery," said Tim. "Just game mechanics. Your Willpower saving throw is modified by your Wisdom bonus. Julian and I failed, and Cooper almost certainly would have as well. You're the only one of us who stands a chance at resisting Bal'Horzahg's telepathic commands."

Dave looked from Tim to Cooper, then Julian, who both nodded their agreement with Tim's assessment. "Goddammit. Where's your rope."

"I don't know," said Tim. "They took all my shit."

Dave rubbed his shitty hands together. "Well I guess we'd better go and find that first. Without a rope, the plan kind of falls apart, right?"

"I've got a rope in my bag you can use," said Julian. "Right outside the pool trap."

Dave lowered his head. "Goddammit." He raised a finger to Julian. "Swap me a horse for a heal?"

Julian backed away from Dave's shit-covered finger. "I'll be okay. Horse is on the house." He pointed to the ground next to Dave. "Horse!" A horse appeared, a slightly lighter shade of brown than what Dave was covered in.

Cooper helped Dave's fat, naked, shit-slathered ass onto the horse, in spite of its protesting whinnies.

"Fuck you, horse," said Dave. "This is no picnic for me either."

"Good luck, Dave," said Tim.

"Godspeed," said Julian.

"Follow the plot," said Cooper. "Do his taxes and steal his shoes."

Dave scooped some shit out of his beard and flung it at Cooper. "I don't know if you're being stupid or just an asshole, but I –"

"Go horse!" said Julian.

The horse jolted forward. Dave only barely managed to hang on. Before long, they were both out of sight. A few more minutes and they couldn't even hear the horse's hooves, except for Julian, probably.

Cooper, Tim, and Julian sat on the edge of the newly murky pool, idly watching Ravenus, who was still pecking away diligently into the back of the dead skum's head.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Dave's voice finally echoed down the tunnel. As he said it, a torrent of shit-water gushed out from the tunnel in which Dave had been imprisoned and flowed into the center pool.

Julian started to stand up, but Tim caught him.

"We can't help him," said Tim. "This is pass or fail. If he fails, he'll be transformed before we ever get there. If he passes, we're only needlessly risking our own lives by following."

Thirty minutes or more passed. The shit river stopped flowing again, and Ravenus was making good progress on the skum corpse.

"Do you think this is a good sign or a bad sign?" asked Julian.

"Hard to say," said Cooper. "Dave's slow as shit. Whether he's coming back to rescue us or kill us, he'd take a while."

"He might not be doing either," said Tim. "Bal'Horzahg might just be biding his time, keeping Dave there in the hopes that we get desperate enough to investigate."

Julian frowned. "So the collective evidence is pointing toward 'Bad Sign'."

"Not necessarily," said Tim. "It's also possible that Dave is just –"

SLURP. BLURP. The sound came from the ceiling.

"The pool trap!" said Julian. "It's opening!"

The gelatinous circle in the ceiling rippled as the sphincter-like opening at the center puckered, then slowly opened, squeezing out Dave like a bearded newborn babe. His body was pasty white again, having been cleansed of shit. It glistened with a fresh coating of lube. With a wet, slurpy release, he broke free from the ceiling and plummeted toward the water below, stopping just short of crashing into Ravenus.

"Ow!" cried Dave. "Son of a bitch, that hurts!"

One end of a rope was tied around his ankle.

"What took you so goddamn long?" asked Cooper.

"Fuck you!" said Dave.

"And why didn't you just throw the rope in?" asked Tim.

"Do you honestly think I didn't try that? I threw the fucking rope in. It didn't work. I tied it to a log. Still didn't work. The trap wouldn't spring until I was in it. I thought I had enough rope to make it to the water, but I was wrong. So can you please hurry the fuck up? I'm in a lot of pain right now."

Cooper, being the best climber, as well as the only one strong enough to pull anyone else through the hole from the other side, was selected to climb to the surface first. The rope was slippery with a generous coating of lube-water, making for a greater Difficulty Class on Cooper's Climb checks.

With each failed attempt, Cooper got a little bit higher up the rope, scraping more and more of the slime off. Of course, that meant that he repeatedly landed a little bit harder on Dave with each successive failure. He honestly wasn't trying to hit Dave in the nuts every time he came down, but what could he do?

On the seventh or eighth try, Cooper finally broke the surface of the upper pool, and was breathing fresh forest air.

Tim climbed through next, followed by Julian and Ravenus.

After giving their arms a rest, and with the help of another of Julian's summoned magical horses, they successfully pulled Dave's fat ass to freedom.


(Original Publication Date: June 24,2016)

"This place gives me the creeps," said Julian. The living room of this house was at least as big as the dining area of the Whore's Head Inn, and a great deal cleaner. But there was more to his unease than a fancy sofa and a rug more valuable than him and his friends combined should account for. "There's something familiar about it, but I'm absolutely positive I've never been here before."

Ravenus dug his talons into Julian's right shoulder. "I share your concerns, sir." It was an unnecessary statement. Being Julian's familiar, he and Julian shared all their feelings, whether they wanted to or not, via their Empathic Link. He was only talking to break the uneasy silence of the room. "Also, I can't shake the feeling that we're being watched."

Though Julian felt the same way, he hadn't wanted to bring it up until he was sure that the flutters of motion he kept perceiving just beyond his periphery were more than paranoia.

"It's just the flicker of the fire playing tricks on your eyes," said Dave.

It would have been a reasonable explanation in a reasonable world, but Julian had seen a lot of weird shit since entering the world of Caverns and Creatures. Tiny gremlins peeking out from behind vases or mischievous spirits warping light as they darted about the room were perhaps less likely candidates than shadows cast by the firelight, but certainly not outside the realm of possibilities. Dave could dismiss Julian's feelings all he wanted, but neither he nor Tim had moved more than ten feet away from Cooper, and it certainly wasn't because of the warmth of the fire.

"I'm sweating my balls off," said Cooper. Though his half-orc form was mostly silhouetted against the flames, Julian could make out streaks of sweat running through the filth down his bare chest. "Why do I have to stay so close to the –"

A fart ripped out of Cooper's ass like a god was squeezing a roll of bubble wrap. The fireplace roared as the light in the room grew to near blinding intensity. It only lasted a second, the fire having consumed all but a trace of fart.

"That's why," said Tim. "This is a classy place, and we don't need you fucking this up for us by stinking up the whole goddamn house."

Dave's head jerked to the right. His eyes darted back and forth like he was trying to get a lock on something he was sure he'd seen.

"What's the matter, Dave?" asked Julian.

"Fine, you've got me. I'm starting to sober up now, and there's definitely something weird about this place. Maybe we should just go."

"Are you out of your fucking minds?" asked Tim. "The hottest piece of ass in Cardinia just asked us back to her place to meet her friends."

"And then disappeared for half an hour. Where are all these friends? I don't see any friends."

Tim shrugged. "They're probably all getting ready for us. Rubbing scented oils on each other, having a pillow fight, whatever the fuck girls do to get horned up."

"I don't hear any pillow fights," said Cooper. "What if there are no friends? What if she wants to take all four of us at once, or for us to do things to each other while she plays with her cooch?"

"Plays with her..." Tim unstoppered his flask and gulped back a swig of stonepiss. "Where the hell is that even coming from?"

"Dude, this shit happens. Rich people get bored with normal hookups. They have to keep upping the stakes to get aroused. All I'm saying is that maybe we should talk about some ground rules before she has us all spanking and dick-slapping each other."

Julian expected Tim to continue berating Cooper for his wild speculations, but Tim stared off into the distance, biting his lower lip.

Even Julian had to admit that what Cooper was saying made more sense than an extraordinarily good-looking woman randomly inviting the four of them over for some wild sex party with her and her seemingly nonexistent friends. "I could use a drink."

Tim offered his flask.

"No thanks," said Julian. "I can't handle straight stonepiss like you can."

Wheels squeaked as a small trolley rolled out from behind a luxurious blue sofa. On top sat a powder blue porcelain tea set, complete with cups, saucers, a sugar bowl, and a large teapot. It rolled right up to Julian, then a little further as he took a step back.

"Don't worry," said Tim, who actually looked relieved. "This is one of those toys that rich people have to impress their guests. Whenever someone says they're thirsty, the trolley rolls up to them and offers some tea. Simple Contingency and Telekinesis spells. You'll learn those when you become a less-shitty sorcerer."

Julian laughed nervously. It was kind of charming. "So what do I do?"

"Guys, stop!" said Dave. "I know what this place is! We have to get out of here right now!"

"First, you ignore Dave." Tim removed the lid from the teapot and emptied his flask into it. "Next you spike the drink." He delicately picked up a teacup by the handle. "Then you take a cup." He frowned, holding the cup close to his eye. "Hmm... there's a chip in this one." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Finally, you –"

"What's your name?" said the cup, wide eyes and a happy smile appearing on its side.

"JESUS!" cried Tim, flinging the cup to the floor, where it shattered into a billion porcelain shards.

"Sacré Bleu!" said a voice from behind Julian. "He has killed Crack Baby!"

Julian looked back at Cooper. The candlestick on the fireplace mantel, standing behind a decorative fringe of silk roses and vines, had ignited all three of its wicks... and also sprouted a face.

"You hotheaded fool!" said the clock next to the candlestick. "Do you have wax in your ears? We were specifically told not to reveal ourselves until instructed to do so."

"Shut up, Monsieur Clockwise, you heartless timepiece! Ze halfling has killed Crack Baby!"

"It was an accident," said Tim. "I didn't expect it to... Hang on... Did you say its name was Crack Baby?"

The candlestick raised its candle arms. "It is a... how you say... nick name? He is a child, with a crack on his head." It frowned. "He was, anyway."

Mr. Clockwise bowed his head. "His mother suffered a similar accident years ago."

"Hmph!" said the candlestick, folding his arms indignantly. "Zis time was clearly an accident. Ze case with Madame Potter, I still have my doubts."

"You can't prove anything, Waxoff!" the teapot slurred through its mouth-spout. "If you'd kept your filthy wick to yourself *hiccup* she might still be with us today."

Waxoff raised his chin. "I never touched her."

"You son of a bitch! I can still taste the wax on her spout!"

The teacups surrounding Mr. Potter rattled in their saucers, but chose not to reveal their faces.

"Oh dear, oh dear!" said Mr. Clockwise. "Did someone spill wine in Mr. Potter?"

"Heh heh heh..." Mr. Potter's laugh was not at all pleasant. "Not this time, Clockblocker. This was the good stuff."

Waxoff slapped himself in the forehead. "Little halfling, what have you done?"

The hands on Mr. Clockwise's face spun in opposite directions. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. This is not good."

"What's going on?" asked Tim.

"Monsieur Potter has zis problem, you see," said Waxoff. "He cannot handle ze alcohol."

"I'll show you what I can handle, you limp-wicked son of a *hiccup*. Come over here, and I'll kick your waxy ass."

"No," said Tim. "I mean in a more general sense. What the fuck is going on here?"

"It's Mordred," said Dave. "I don't know how we didn't catch on as soon as we met her in the tavern. Her tits were threatening to burst out of that yellow dress. She wouldn't stop rattling on about how much she loves books. Her name is Bella."

"Shit!" said Cooper. "It all makes sense. Mordred is Bella!" He scratched his ass in thought. "Now I'm conflicted. Does this make it gay?"

Dave shook his head. "No, Cooper. Mordred just ripped off another story and dropped it into his fantasy world." He stroked his beard. "I wonder if Mr. Potter's alcoholism was his doing, or if it happened after we showed up."

"Oh dear, oh dear," said Mr. Clockwise. "If the master sees this, we'll all be doomed!"

"Take it easy, Tick Tock," said Tim. "He should sober up if I pour all the booze out of him. Hell, I was planning to do that anyway."

"I'd like to see you try it, half-man!" Mr. Potter's cheeks swelled up as he took a deep, bubbly breath through his spout, then aimed it, tight-lipped, right at Tim.

Tim stopped mid-step. "You wouldn't."

The corners of the spout-mouth turned upward in a sinister grin.

A key turned in the lock of the door on the far side of the room.

"She's come back!" said Waxoff. He looked down at his base, which was obscured by fake vines and roses. "French Tickler! Hurry and hide zis mess!"

A wooden handle poked up wide-eyed from behind the silk greenery, then raised a feather to wipe the side of her mouth.

"Oh dear!" cried French Tickler, revealing herself to be a living feather duster as she hopped over the roses and fluttered to the floor.

Ravenus ruffled his feathers, and Julian felt a stirring in his loins.

"Dude," whispered Julian. "She's a cleaning tool."

"What have you done?" cried French Tickler, scurrying across the floor as fast as her feathers would carry her.

Ravenus hopped down from Julian's shoulder and met her at the porcelain shards. "Good day, ma'am," he said with a bow.

"What are you doing, stupid bird!" said French Tickler. "Get out of ze way, or make yourself useful and lift ze rug. If ze master learns of zis, both of our feathers will be plucked for sure!"

Ravenus stared blankly at her, clearly dumbfounded. To a casual observer, it may have been mistaken for love at first sight, but Julian knew better. His familiar could only understand the Elven language, which was English with a terrible British accent, rather than a terrible French one.

Julian cleared his throat, then fake-coughed the words, "Lift the rug."

"Ah, very good!" Ravenus used his beak to pick up the side of the rug. French Tickler swept the remains of Crack Baby under it, finishing just as the door swung open.

"Bella!" shouted every piece of animated houseware in unison.

Bella scanned the room sternly, her hands balled in fists on the hips of her now unmistakably recognizable yellow dress, then grinned wide.

"You scamps! You weren't supposed to introduce yourselves until I got back!"

"What can I say, Mademoiselle?" said Waxoff. "Monsieur Clockwise has a... how you say, fat mouth?"

Mr. Clockwise's hands shot up to noon. "It's big mouth, and no I don't! You spoke before I did."

Bella rolled her eyes as she glided across the floor. "These two, always bickering." She took Waxoff down from the mantel and caressed his center candle with one finger. "Don't get too overheated, Waxoff. I may need you later, in the library."

Tim looked smugly at Julian, his eyebrows raised.

Julian had had his doubts before, but he now surmised that Tim was correct. The way she said 'library' was dripping with innuendo. Though he found it odd that someone rich enough to own all of these magically-animated knickknacks would be using a candle instead of a more conventional living sex toy.

"So," said Tim. "Please tell us more about your friends."

Bella beamed down at him. "Of course! Have you met everyone? This is Waxoff, that's Clockwise, and French Tickler..."

Tim's expression grew dimmer with each name. These were not the Girls Gone Wild that he had assured them of.

"Um...," said Cooper. "Do you have any friends who are vacuum cleaners?"

Bella paused. "I beg your pardon?"

"Never mind."

"Okay." Bella smiled brightly as she stepped toward the trolley. Julian, his friends, and every anthropomorphic utensil in the room winced as the rug crunched under her foot. Fortunately, she was the only one who seemed not to notice. "And these are the teacup kids. Oh my, where is Crack Baby?"

"He's gone to meet his whore of a moth–"

Tim plugged a finger into Mr. Potter's spout. "He's, uh... We're playing Hide-and-Seek. He's hiding."

Bella looked sternly down at the shitfaced teapot. "Mr. Potter."

Tim looked up at Julian.

They couldn't keep this up while Bella was standing right there interrogating him directly. Julian shrugged and jerked his head to the side. Tim removed his finger.

"Yes, m'lady?"

Bella put her hands on her hips. "Why have you not yet served our guests?" She picked up Mr. Potter and poured his contents into his children's heads.

Faces gradually sprouted onto the sides of the cups, but they lacked Crack Baby's adorable cheer. These faces were cross-eyed, tight-lipped, and puffy-cheeked, like they were all about to throw up. One by one, they began to waddle off of their saucers in random directions.

"I hope it's still warm enough," said Bella. "Mr. Potter needs a lesson in manners."

"I beg your forgiveness, Miss." Mr. Potter's voice was the very definition of sobriety. "I was out of sorts. I promise I'll never –" His eyes widened, looking down at the trolley. "No!"

"Shit!" said Tim, as the teacup nearest him stepped off the side. He managed to catch it before it hit the floor, then hurriedly passed it off to Dave as a second cup teetered on the edge.

Julian picked up the remaining two cups to avoid further incident, and passed one of them to Cooper.

The combination of Cooper's stench and it's likely first experience with alcohol was too much for the little guy to take. Hot boozy tea poured out of the side of the cup all over Cooper's chest and down to his loincloth.

"Son of a bitch!" cried Cooper as the infant teacup's vomit soaked through to scald his dick. "This is why I never hold babies."

Bella rushed over to take the teacup from Cooper's hand. "Oh my! Are you okay?"

"I may need a minute before we head off to the library, but I think I'll – Oh, you were talking to him."

"I'm much better now," said the teacup, which Bella hugged firmly in her ample cleavage.

Dave and Tim necked back their own tea, Dave presumably to avoid being vomited on, and Tim presumably just for the booze. Julian tried to gulp his own, but could only manage sips. The combination of hot tea and stonepiss was just about as palatable as he'd expected it to be.

"Do you have any food here?" asked Dave. "Or something else to drink?"

Bella placed Mr. Potter back down on the trolley a little harder than was strictly necessary and narrowed her eyes at Dave. "I'll see if I can find something in the kitchen." She stomped toward the same door she'd just come from, giving Crack Baby's remains a good crunch on the way.

Why that would be giving Julian an erection, he didn't even want to contemplate. Unless it was something... "Ravenus!" He scanned the floor just in time to catch Ravenus's and French Tickler's tailfeathers disappearing under the blue sofa. He supposed that was marginally less disturbing as he double-layered the sides of his serape to hide the growing bulge in his crotch area.

"What crawled up her ass?" asked Tim when the door finally slammed shut.

Julian made eye contact with everyone to try to keep their eyes above his waistline. "I think she might have taken offense to Dave's request. It was like saying her hospitality hasn't been good enough."

Dave's face looked like he was having a hard time taking a dump. "Can I talk to you guys..." He glanced at Waxoff and Mr. Clockwise. "...in private?"

As discreetly as they could, Julian, Dave, Cooper, and Tim placed their cups back onto the trolley, then shuffled a few steps away from the confirmed living objects in the room and huddled together.

"Dibs on the feather duster," said Cooper.

Julian laughed. "Good luck with that. I think someone's already beaten you to the punch."

Everyone's gaze lowered to Julian's crotch. His efforts to conceal the bulge only brought more attention to it.

"You sick fuck!" said Cooper. "You shoved her down your pants?"

"What? No! I... it's Ravenus."

Cooper scratched his head. "You shoved Ravenus down your pants?"

"Julian! Cooper!" said Dave. "Shut the fuck up. I didn't bring you over here to call dibs. And seriously, you picked the feather duster before Bella?"

Cooper and Tim's eyes widened. "Dibs on Bella!" they said in one voice.

Dave closed his eyes and lowered his head.

"What did you bring us over here for?" asked Julian.

"I have a really bad feeling about this."

Cooper put a hand on Dave's shoulder. "Is this your first time?"

"No!"

"First time with a woman?"

"Shut up, Cooper!" Dave shook Cooper's hand off his shoulder. "It's not the woman I'm worried about. Mr. Clockwise mentioned a master, and he looked like he was about to shit his gears. Is it not painfully obvious to anyone but me who this master is?"

"We don't know that Mordred ripped off the entire movie," said Julian. "Maybe Bella's the master."

"I don't think so. She's a little unhinged, maybe, but she hardly seems terrifying."

"If there's a..." Tim glanced back to make sure they were still alone, then lowered his voice. "If there's a beast running around this place, then why the hell would Bella be running around in the middle of the night picking up random dudes in a tavern?"

"Maybe he likes to watch," said Cooper.

Tim grimaced. "I don't know if I'm comfortable doing it while there's a giant wildebeest man whacking off in the corner."

Cooper bit his lip and nodded slowly. "I think I can manage."

"But what if he wants to do more than watch?"

"Assholes!" said Dave. "Shut the fuck up! It wasn't in the middle of the night. It was mid-morning. We were still drinking from the night before."

A feeling of dread came over Julian, mixing awkwardly with Ravenus's arousal. He hoped he wasn't screwing up his familiar's mojo. "Where are you going with this, Dave?"

"Maybe she was just in for some breakfast. We chatted her up and pretended to be interested in all her talk about books. But her tits were all up in our faces, so we took everything she said about her passion for books as innuendo."

Tim squeezed his head between his palms like he was trying to produce thoughts like orange juice. "Hang on. So you're saying there's not going to be an orgy?"

"I'm saying there's a giant monster around here with a bad temper and insecurity issues. What do you think he's going to think when he finds four drunk assholes drinking his booze, in his living room, chillin' with his hot-ass girl? You think he's going to buy that 'We just wanted to check out her book collection' bullshit? Cooper can't even fucking read!"

"Dude," said Cooper. "Don't tell her that. You know, just in case you're wrong."

The key turned in the lock. Julian, Dave, Cooper, and Tim sprang back to their former location like the rest of the floor was made of lava.

When the door swung open, Bella glided in holding a smaller tray with four crystal shot glasses on it, and a small matching decanter. Neither the decanter nor the glasses appeared to be alive, and all of them contained some kind of dark blue liquid.

"Use your Diplomacy," Dave whispered to Julian. "Tell her politely that something's come up, and we need to leave right away."

"I hope you gentlemen will find this suitable," Bella said contemptibly to Dave. "It's a blueberry wine, made with berries I picked myself from the garden outside."

Dave smiled weakly and looked to Julian.

"We, um..." said Julian. "We have to go now. My grandmother died."

"Oh my!" said Bella. She pursed her lips in thought. "Just now?"

"Yes."

"But how did you learn of this news?"

Shit. "She and I were very close. We have, or rather had, an Empathic Link."

Bella frowned, her gaze falling to his junk. "We express our grief in different ways."

Julian feigned a distress-induced stomach cramp, letting his serape fall loosely over his erection. Dammit, Ravenus! How long does it take to fuck a feather duster?

Bella set the tray down on the other side of the drink trolley. Mr. Potter stared longingly at the dark blue liquid.

"You mustn't leave without first sampling the wine," said Bella. "I'd been saving it for my seventeenth birthday, but now I've already poured it."

Tim and Cooper coughed.

"My," said Cooper. "You've blossomed early."

Tim stepped forward. "I think I'll have that drink now." He, Julian, Dave, and Cooper took their glasses.

Julian raised his glass to Bella. "Happy birthday." Dave, Cooper, and Tim mumbled something along the same lines. It was clear that all four of them were in agreement that it was definitely time to leave. They tilted their heads back and dumped the contents of their glasses down their throats.

Julian found the taste surprisingly bitter for blueberry wine, and it had a consistency just a little thinner than honey. His vision started to blur as his mind grew foggy. He turned his head, but the network was laggy. His vision followed a second later, and with some concentration, he was able to focus on a stunning, healthy-bosomed woman in a yellow dress.

"You're pretty. What's your name?"

A stunning, healthy-bosomed woman in a yellow dress smiled at something on the floor near him. He turned his head to follow her gaze, and his vision dragged along like the other end of a heavy accordion. A little boy lay face down on the floor with an empty shot glass in his hand.

"You shouldn't be drinking, little boy."

A stout, bearded midget fell on top of the boy, and some kind of monster swayed like he might fall next.

Julian looked down at his own crotch. "Why am I so... goddamn horny right now?" His vision darkened as he felt his body falling backward. He didn't feel himself hit the floor.