(Original Publication Date: February 26, 2016)

Julian laid down his cards. "Three deuces." He carefully kept his expression neutral to avoid indicating that he already knew he'd won.

Raggart, the leader of their bugbear captors, grinned at him from across the crude three-legged table. His yellow fangs pointed every which way, like a pack of blind people trying to give directions. He calmly laid his cards flat on the table next to the small pile of copper and silver coins which had accumulated over the past few rounds. "It seems your luck has run out, elf. I have a pair of nines."

Ideally, poker a game in which all players should be familiar with the rules. That was especially true when money was involved. That was even more especially true when one's opponent was only keeping one and one's friends alive for the entertainment they could provide. It was Julian's high Charisma score, and the ranks he had in the Diplomacy skill, which had made the difference between being brutally murdered and enjoying a friendly card game. These same character attributes had also served him well in patiently and delicately explaining how "all reds" did not constitute a flush. He didn't know how much further Diplomacy could carry him.

Julian swallowed hard. "I'm afraid three twos beat two nines."

The fur on Raggart's forearms bristled out as his grin changed to a sneer. "How can that be? Three twos only adds up to six. Two nines add up to..." He frowned, counting on his black-clawed fingers until they were all used up. "... more than six!"

"That doesn't matter," said Julian. "A pair of anything isn't as... Three of a kind is harder to..." He was choking. He needed to hand this off to someone with a higher intelligence score. "Tim, you want to field this one?"

Tim looked at Julian like he'd just asked him to disarm a bomb with a pair of hammers. "Fuck no!"

They were unarmed and outnumbered. The only thing keeping them alive was this game. He might be only prolonging the inevitable, but it was better than giving up now and dying.

Julian looked at Cooper, who was three knuckles deep into his left nostril. Not exactly a think tank. Dave was terrible under pressure, and apparently a shitty poker player as well. Tim was just this side of sober, he and Ravenus (and, of course, the bugbears) being the only ones who could stomach the snot-like booze the female bugbears had been serving them. It was up to Julian to come up with a plan, but he needed Tim to help buy some time. He looked pleadingly at Tim.

Tim rolled his eyes. "Fine." He looked at Raggart, who was impatiently drumming his claws on the table. "The values of the numbers on the faces of the cards only come into play when two or more players have equal numbers of matching cards."

Julian understood why Tim had been reluctant to explain. Julian could barely wrap his head around that explanation. He didn't know what the bugbears would make of it. Tim needed a nudge. "For example..."

Tim flipped over the remainder of the deck. The top two cards were a king and a queen. "Okay, this works. Let's say two of you have a hand where nothing matches, but one of you has a king, and the other has a queen. Who wins?"

"The player with the king," said Horrig, a fatter bugbear with a long scar running down his left cheek seated between Dave and Cooper.

Tim nodded. "That's right. Because a king is higher than a queen."

"He likes to think so," said Grella, who Julian had come to assume was Raggart's wife, or whatever the equivalent was in this tribe. She looked at Julian's empty bowl. "Oh dear, you must be starved. Do you want some more stew?"

Julian looked down at the crude wooden bowl. Whatever that stew was, it smelled like diseased rat boiled in raw sewage. Of course, Ravenus had lapped it up like it was made of cotton candy and heroin. Julian was just thankful to be able to get the bowl away from him.

"Thank you, ma'am. I couldn't eat another bite."

Ravenus flapped his wings excitedly. "I could!"

Julian replied in a British accent, hoping none of the bugbears were familiar with the Elven tongue. "Eat Tim's." He passed his empty bowl up to Grella and switched back to the common tongue. "It was delicious."

"Thank you," said Grella. "That stew has been in my family for five generations."

"The recipe, you mean?"

Grella snorted through her ursine snout. "Heavens no. There's no recipe to speak of. We just throw whatever we catch into the cauldron. Aside from that, it's just a matter of keeping the fire going."

The fact that Julian and his friends were included in "whatever we catch" was clearly not lost on Tim. He was as white as a sheet. Julian nodded for him to continue his card lesson.

Tim rifled through the deck until he found another queen. "What happens when the king faces off against two queens?"

"Good times, eh Chief?" said Flargarf, seated between Raggart and Julian. He was the only bugbear Julian had gotten a glimpse of during the ambush, easily recognizable by his red right eye. Where the 'whites' of the other bugbears' eyes were a milky yellow, Flargarf's right eye was blood red, like maybe a blood vessel had burst in there. Julian hoped it wasn't a bad case of pinkeye.

The rest of the bugbears laughed and gulped back their dog-snot drinks, but Raggart merely grinned in appreciation for his friend's lewd remark. He was clearly more interested in the rules of the game. "Whether it be in bed or in battle, surely the king wins."

"Wrong," said Tim, less diplomatically than Julian was comfortable with.

"How dare he call himself a man, much less a king, when he can't best two –" Raggart's eyes darted toward the back of the cave where his wife was tending the bubbling cauldron. He leaned in and lowered his voice. "– women?"

"The statistic improbability of obtaining a higher number of matching cards is more important than the rank of any individual card." Tim's explanation was once again lost on the bugbears. "Let's continue with the example and see if you get the hang of it." He spread the cards around on the table until he found a second king, which he placed next to the first king, opposite the two queens. "There. Now we have two kings. Who wins?"

Horrig scratched his furry chin. "The one who isn't stabbing himself in the head?"

"What? No. That's not even –"

Flargarf pounded his fist on the table. "Trick question! It's the one with the larger army."

Tim buried his face in his hands, then let out an exasperated sigh. "Come on, guys. I'm trying to make this as simple as I can."

Flargarf stood up and wobbled for a moment. He steadied himself against the table and leaned over Tim, making clear their vast difference in size. "Take that tone with me again, halfling, and tonight I'll be picking halfling meat out of my teeth with halfling bones."

Julian was close enough to smell that horrible drink, thick on the bugbear's breath.

Tim held his cup with both trembling hands and stared wide-eyed at the Flargarf's jagged and crooked teeth.

"Sit down, Flargarf," said Raggart. "I believe I understand now." He looked at Tim. "In theory, seven ones would defeat one eight."

"Correct!" Julian blurted out when he saw Cooper start to speak. To placate Cooper, he added, "In theory."

Raggart spoke to his two comrades in their native tongue, which sounded like a bear speaking German while being stabbed. When he was finished, the other bugbears grumbled and nodded.

He shoved the pile of copper and silver coins toward Julian. "Very well, elf. You win again."

Julian shoved the pile back to the middle of the table. "Winning is easy when your opponent doesn't understand the game."

Raggart grinned and shoved the coins back toward Julian. "Losing is easy when you're planning to eat your opponents after the game is done."

Flargarf and Horrig chuckled. Cooper let out a long, rumbling fart, the smell of which was masked by the overpowering stench of bugbear stew. Tim and Dave looked expectantly at Julian.

Julian kept his cool. He had no doubt of the bugbears' intentions, though he hadn't expected them to lay them on the line quite so soon.

See and raise.

"Now that we're on a level playing field, what do you say we make it interesting?"

Raggart narrowed his eyes. "What did you have in mind?"

"One more round," said Julian. "You and me. If I win, we walk out of this cave alive. If you win, you all can eat us."

Raggart nodded. "You have yourself a deal, elf." His companions, predictably, chuckled softly to themselves.

"I'm afraid I'm going to require some sort of assurance that you're going to honor your end of the deal."

"Is my word not good enough for you?" Raggart challenged Julian. "Have you the audacity to come into my home and call me a liar to my face?"

"Dude," Cooper said to Julian. "That is kind of rude."

Julian couldn't believe he had to defend himself to Cooper. "We didn't ask to come into his home. They beat us unconscious and dragged us here in sacks." Diplomacy wasn't always about sugar coating. Sometimes it involved telling it like it is. He turned to Raggart. "If you would murder us, it's probably safe to assume you would lie to us as well."

Raggart frowned. "What kind of assurances would you like?"

"Give me a minute," said Julian. "I haven't thought that far ahead." What kind of assurances would be acceptable by both parties? Any guarantee regarding their safety was also dependent on their word that, upon losing, they would voluntarily allow themselves to be boiled to death in a cauldron. Julian couldn't see the bugbears accepting those terms.

"Swear to Zabir," said Dave.

The bugbears' eyes widened. Dave had apparently struck a nerve, but Julian had no idea why. He was about to ask, when Cooper beat him to it.

"Who the fuck is Zabir?"

"Bugbears are goblinoid creatures," said Dave. "Zabir is the deity of the goblins."

Cooper scratched his ass thoughtfully. "I thought that was David Bowie."

Dave ignored Cooper. "They may lie to us, but they wouldn't dare break an oath they made to Zabir."

"You ask too much, dwarf," said Raggart. "These terms are unacceptable."

Screw that. Dave was rarely useful for anything more than a healing spell, but he had just rocked the shit with this one.

"If you intend to honor your part of the agreement," said Julian, "then you should have no problem with Dave's terms. Maybe you're just afraid of being outmatched." He glanced down at Raggart's empty glass, then back up at Raggart.

Raggart, Horrig, and Flargarf were the only three bugbears in the cave who hadn't already drunk themselves into comas, but they weren't far off. Julian's group, with the exception of Tim, was stone-cold sober. If it came to a fight, a bugbear victory was no longer a foregone conclusion.

Julian was impressed with himself. If Raggart had picked up on his innuendo, he would understand that Julian was presenting him with a gift. He was making the cowardly-but-smart option (letting them go to avoid bloodshed) seem like the brave option (not being afraid to accept Julian's challenge). He wasn't this devious in the real world. This was the result of having put all of those ranks into his Diplomacy skill.

Raggart placed a large, red-hilted dagger on the table and raised his right hand.

Flargarf grumbled something in their native language. He raised his voice, looking back at the cauldron, and then at Raggart.

"I am afraid of nothing," said Raggart. He sliced his open right palm with his dagger. "I swear by the mighty Zabir, I will be true to my word."

Julian looked back at Dave, who nodded. "Good enough for me. Dave, could you give him a quick heal so he doesn't bleed all over my cards?"

"Sure." Dave reached over and touched Raggart's fingertip. "I heal thee."

Raggart sighed with the exhilaration that came from magical healing and wiped the blood from his palm on Horrig, who had by now fallen asleep.

He stared coldly at Julian. "Deal the cards, elf."

Julian's handmade cards were too big for his slender elf hands to shuffle the conventional way, so he shuffled like a six-year-old, smearing the pile of cards all over the surface of the table, then shoving them all back together again.

He dealt the cards until he and Raggart each had five. His crude shuffling saw Raggart right out of the gate with three kings, a far better starting position than his own hand of complete crap. The Arcane Marks that Julian had put on the back of all the cards identified each card with electric blue light that only he could see, but they weren't going to help him this time. They were fucked.

"I'll take two cards," said Raggart, much to Julian's complete lack of surprise.

When Julian looked across the table, he was shocked to see that the cards Raggart had discarded were two of his three kings. Was it possible that he was this stupid? No. He was intentionally throwing the game. Julian's innuendo had successfully made Raggart reassess the situation he was in, and the likely outcome.

Julian slid the six off the top of the deck, along with the Jack underneath it, giving Raggart a nice hand of sweet fuck all.

There was just one problem. Raggart's decision to sabotage his own hand left him with a king high, which still beat the crappy hand Julian had dealt himself.

The Five of Clubs sitting on the top of the deck wasn't going to help him, but he really only had one choice. Discard everything and hope for a pair of something or an Ace.

He slid the Five toward him, then stifled a sigh of relief at the Ace underneath it. The next three cards were crap, but he had what he needed. He gulped as he looked at the front of his cards, then gasped in fake horror.

"Cooper, Dave, Tim, Ravenus," Julian said as solemnly as he could. "I'm sorry. I've failed you."

"Fuck," said Cooper and Dave. Tim snored. Fear of being boiled to death was clearly not enough to keep him from slipping into a booze-induced coma.

"I must say, sir," said Ravenus. "I admire your calm in the face of impending doom."

"Shut up, Ravenus," Julian snapped. "I'm not calm. I'm very nervous and scared."

"But you don't seem nervous to me, sir. Quite the contrary, you seem –"

"Shut up, Ravenus!"

"Very well, sir."

Cooper and Dave were buying Julian's act, as were the bugbears, if Farlgarf's hungry grin was any indication. It would take more than a gulp and a gasp to override Julian's Empathic Link with Ravenus, though, which was now letting him know that Ravenus' feelings were hurt.

Suck it up, buddy. We're almost out of here.

"The game isn't finished until the cards are turned over," said Raggart. He flipped his hand over, and Julian feigned amazement.

"Sorry, fellas," said Julian, flipping over his cards. "Looks like it's just not your day."

The bugbears' reactions were the exact opposite of what Julian had anticipated. Flargarf's grin widened as he lifted a crude club with spiked with nails.

Raggart looked alarmed rather than relieved. He drew his dagger and slapped Horrig in the back of the head. "Wake up!"

"What the fuck, dude?" Cooper asked Flargarf.

Dave backed away from the table, his forearms raised to shield his face. "Did you forget the oath you made to Zabir?"

"The terms of the deal were clear," said Flargarf. "If you lose, then we get to eat you."

"But I didn't lose," said Julian. "I won."

Raggart frowned and lowered his dagger. The panic on his face was replaced with confusion. "You did?"

"Liar!" said Flargarf. "Look at the cards. Neither hand has any cards that match. And the chief's king beats your nine."

"But it doesn't beat my Ace."

"I'm about to beat your ass."

"Not ass. Ace!"

"Stand down, Flargarf," said Raggart. "Tell me, elf. What is this 'Ace' you speak of?"

Julian slid the Ace of Diamonds away from the rest of his hand. "This is an Ace."

"Is that not a one?" said Raggart. Clearly, he still wanted to avoid violence, but had to make a show of strength in front of Flargarf.

"In some games, an Ace counts as a one, but in most games, including this one, it's the highest card in the deck."

"I see."

"Have you gone mad, Chief?" cried Flargarf. "This elf has won every match simply by conjuring up a new rule on the spot. Now he claims a one, the lowliest peasant in the kingdom, is mightier than a King. If you believe that, then I say the dumbest bugbear in the tribe is wiser than a Chief."

"It's an Ace," said Julian. "Not a one. And the numbered cards aren't really meant to be representative of –"

"Shut your lying hole, elf!" said Flargarf.

Raggart laid his dagger back down on the table, and presented his bare chest to Flargarf. "If you would seek the Chiefdom, you are welcome to come and take it."

If they started killing each other, Julian and his friends might be able to escape. It was a second-best resolution, to be sure, but not one that Julian expected he'd lose any sleep over.

Flargarf lowered his head. "I spoke in a fit of passion, Chief. Forgive me. It angers me to see you made a fool of in your own home."

"The elf's explanation is credible," said Raggart. "The one card is marked with the letter A rather than a number. Obviously that holds certain significance." He turned to Julian. "You and your friends are free to leave."

"Great," said Julian. He paused a moment while the bugbears stared at him. "So, I guess we'll just collect our things and be on our way."

Raggart grinned, first at Flargarf, then at Julian. "That was not part of our agreement."

"Come on, man!" said Dave. "You can't just send us out of here unarmed in the middle of the night. That's the same as killing us."

"I am confident that Zabir will recognize the difference."

"Can I at least have my cards?" asked Julian.

"You cannot. We have enjoyed this game of yours, and wish to play more."

"Do you know how long it took me to make those?"

"Dude, fuck your cards," said Cooper. "Let's get the fuck out of here."

"And go where?" asked Dave. "We don't even know where we are, much less how to get back to Cardinia."

Raggart grinned. "The way is not difficult. Travel south until you reach a well-worn path in the woods. Follow it eastward until –"

"But that leads to –" Flargarf interrupted, but was promptly shut up with a glare from Raggart.

"That leads to the coast," Raggart continued. "From there, it's an easy southward stroll to Cardinia."

Flargarf genuflected before Raggart. "I am humbled by your wisdom." His eyes flickered briefly toward Julian before he added, "... and mercy."

"Now go," said Raggart. "And may Zabir guide you swiftly to your destination."

Julian backed cautiously away from the table, lest the bugbears have any last minute tricks up their sleeves, but they merely watched as he, Dave, and Cooper regrouped on the exit side of the table. "Thank you. You're being a very good sport about all this."

Cooper picked Tim up off the floor and took the lead toward the cave entrance. After a few tense minutes, they found themselves in the safety of the dark, monster-infested forest.

"Well done, sir," said Ravenus. "You really saved our biscuits back there."

"Thank you, Ravenus. It's nice to hear that someone appreciates my effort."

"Shall I scout the area?"

"Not this time, buddy. It's probably safer to stay close together, at least until we find the path." Julian looked around. The forest was dense with foliage, limiting visibility in every direction. "Hey. Do either of you guys have any idea which way south is?"

Cooper and Dave shook their heads.

"Does anyone have any ranks in the Survival skill?" asked Dave.

Julian and Cooper shook their heads.

"That's a pretty big party oversight on our part." Dave frowned at the ground and stroked his bushy beard. He looked up. "We could attempt an untrained Survival check."

"I don't even know what that means," said Julian.

"Some skills require you to be trained in order to be able to use them at all," Dave explained. "Languages, for example. If Cooper spent one skill point to learn the Elven language, he could understand everything Ravenus says."

"Fuck that," said Cooper.

"But as long as he continues being a stubborn asshole, he has no chance of understanding anything your familiar says. Other skills aren't quite so cut and dry. You don't have to be Bear Grylls to eat a bug. You'll probably still die if left on your own in the wilderness, but you've got a chance."

"We're not trying to survive for a long time in the wilderness," said Julian. "We're just trying to figure out which way south is."

"Exactly," said Dave. "Which is related to Survival, but probably comes with a lot smaller Difficulty Class modifier."

Julian frowned. "You're losing me again."

"It might be easy enough that we've got a shot at it."

"Okay," said Julian. "So how do we do it?"

Dave scratched his head. "I don't actually know. I guess we just focus on finding south." He put his index fingers on his temples. "Which way is south?"

Julian and Cooper followed Dave's example. "Which way is south?"

Julian looked for clues, but came up with nothing.

"That way," said Dave and Cooper simultaneously, pointing in roughly similar directions.

"How could you possibly..." Julian looked in the direction both of them were sort of pointing in, but nothing looked any different than anything else. "What are you basing this on?"

"What do you mean?" asked Dave.

"I mean, did you look at the way the leaves were facing? Or did you sense magnetic fields or something?"

"No. I just really feel like south is that way."

"Based on nothing? There's a word for that. It's called guessing."

"It's not based on nothing," said Dave. "It's based on our Survival checks. I got a strong sense in my mind that south is that way."

"I got it, too," said Cooper. "It was pretty awesome."

"Why didn't I get it?" asked Julian.

Cooper shrugged. "Shitty roll."

He stomped through the forest at a snail's pace, ripping apart vines and tearing off small branches with one hand, and holding Tim in place over his shoulder with the other. Julian and Dave followed in the wake of his slow destruction.

After an hour and several dozen yards of travel, they came upon the path Raggart had mentioned. It fit the description anyway, insofar as it ran perpendicular to the direction they had been traveling in.

"Thank fuck," said Cooper. "I need to take a rest." He set Tim gently on the ground.

Tim's eyes were open. "You can rest on horseback. We should probably hoof it from here."

Cooper wiped about a gallon of sweat off his face while scratching his ass against the trunk of a tree. "How long have you been awake?"

"I never went to sleep. I was faking it, hoping the bugbears would forget I was there."

"Dude! Do you know how much fucking easier that would have been with two arms available?"

Tim turned up his palms innocently. "I can't see in the dark."

"Hang on," said Dave. "You were hoping the bugbears would forget you were there? What was your plan, exactly? Were you just going to fuck off while the rest of us got chopped up and chucked in the stewpot?"

"I was going to assess the situation and act accordingly." Tim turned to Julian. "Let's giddy up, huh? Conjure up some of those magic horses so we can get the fuck out of here. We'll be safer when we reach the coast."

"I only have a limited number of spells," said Julian. "The bugbears took my bag with all my backup scrolls in it." He clenched his fists in frustration. "And my cards."

Cooper stopped rubbing his ass against the tree trunk and looked at Julian. "Who gives a shit about your stupid cards? The rest of us were trying to get out of there with our lives, and you were trying to negotiate for a deck of goddamn playing cards."

"Seriously," said Tim, facing a tree and unlacing his pants. "What's the deal, Kenny Rogers? Know when to run away. Know when to – however the fuck it goes."

"I spent weeks making them," said Julian.

Over the sound of urine splattering against bark, Tim sighed like he was about to lay down a hard truth. "Maybe outsource that shit next time. They were usable, but hardly works of art. The Queen of Diamonds' eyes were facing two different directions, and the Jack of Clubs' mustache looked like he had a squid trying to escape out of his nose."

"Hmph," said Dave. "As if you could have done any better, Picasso. Remember that pig anatomy poster you drew for your ninth grade biology project?"

Tim gave Dave a sideways glare. "I did that on the fucking bus on the way to school, dumbass." He turned back to focus on his stream of urine. "I'm not saying your cards were terrible. I'm just saying that, given a span of weeks, I could have drawn a better deck of cards with a crayon glued to my dick."

"It wasn't just the drawing," said Julian. "I put an Arcane Mark on the back of each card so that I could cheat."

Tim turned his entire body sideways to look back at Julian. His piss stream found Dave's boots. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Julian had expected some kind of surprised reaction, but thought it would be more along the lines of 'Bravo!' and 'Well done!'. "What's the problem? Those cards just saved our asses."

"You're lucky they were just a couple of bugbear grunts," said Tim. "How hard do you think that bullshit zero-level spell would have been to detect for someone with just a smidge of magic savvy? You try to cheat a wizard, and he will Lightning Bolt your stupid ass, and feed the smoldering pile of guts that used to be you to his familiar. Now how about some horses?"

"If I use up two of my Mount spells, that's two less Magic Missiles I'll have if we run into monsters. I think we should just walk."

"Good point," said Tim. He raised his index finger. "Counterpoint. Dave is slow as fuck."

"I don't think that's a counterpoint," said Dave. "I think that's just you being a dick."

Tim ignored him. "The faster we move through the woods, the fewer Random Encounters we are likely to have, thereby nullifying the potential disadvantage of not hanging on to your two shitty Magic Missiles."

"But –"

"Furthermore, with the rest of us weaponless, the likelihood of us surviving an attack by anything more than a one-legged kobold, even with the awesome power of your two extra Magic Missiles, are slim to none."

Julian looked at Dave and Cooper. "Do you guys agree?"

Dave nodded. Cooper nodded and farted. Julian would have preferred to deliberate a bit more, as he suspected both of their votes were more motivated by laziness than by self-preservation, but the rancid cloud squealing its way out of Cooper's ass made a compelling argument to get out of the area as quickly as possible.

"Horse," said Julian, and immediately repeated the incantation. Two horses popped into existence on the path, one black and the other brown.

Cooper helped Dave onto the brown horse's saddle, and Julian climbed on behind him. It wasn't the most comfortable way to ride, but it was favorable to blowing a third spell.

On the black horse, Tim stood behind Cooper, holding on to his shoulders.

The twisty path limited the usefulness of Cooper and Dave's Darkvision, and roots and branches threatened to trip the horses or knock them off their mounts; they were unable to travel faster than a slow trot.

After an hour of riding, Julian's arms were getting sore from holding on to Dave. He didn't know how much longer he could last. "This forest is starting to creep me out. And I still don't smell any sea air. Halflings have a keen sense of smell, don't they? Can you smell anything, Tim?"

"You're thinking of gnomes," said Tim. "Anyway, I could be snorting saltwater right now, and still wouldn't be able to smell anything but Cooper's perpetual stream of farts."

Cooper glared back. "The more you bitch about it, the better I feel about it. I'm brewing up a nice one for your right now."

"You guys chill out," said Dave. "It looks like we'll be out of the woods after we get past those two big oak trees."

Julian looked over Dave's right shoulder. His Low-Light Vision was no match for Dave's Darkvision, but he could just barely make out the two oaks Dave spoke of. Their interlaced branches formed an arc over the path. As hard as he strained his eyes, he could see nothing of the terrain beyond.

Blinking a few times to relax his eyes, Julian let his gaze fall lazily to the ground, where he caught a flicker of movement in his periphery. Whatever had moved was long and serpentine.

"Snake!" Julian shrieked. He was a little embarrassed for reacting like that for something as mundane as a snake while they were in a world where they'd faced off against much more dangerous creatures than that. And then he was more embarrassed when a closer inspection revealed that what he'd saw was, in fact, only a vine. "Sorry. False alarm."

He could have sworn he saw it move. It was just a combination of hunger, thirst, exhaustion, and general paranoia playing tricks with his mind. It was an odd-looking species of vine. At its thickest, it was about as big around as Julian's upper arm. Smaller vines grew out from the main shaft with leaves which, with a little imagination, looked like gnarled human hands.

"What kind of vines do you suppose these –" As he turned to the others, he noticed Tim was missing from the back of Cooper's horse. "What happened to Tim?" When he looked back, he found Tim ten feet back, suspended from one of the lower-hanging oak branches by one of those strange vines wrapped around his neck. "Tim!"

Before anyone had a chance to react, both horses started screaming. Julian looked down at Cooper's horse. Vines were slithering up its legs, immobilizing it. He could safely assume the horse that he and Dave were riding was getting the same treatment. That assumption was confirmed when he felt a snakelike tendril brush against his leg.

"Master," cried Ravenus as he launched himself from Julian's shoulder. "Be careful!"

"Branches!" Julian shouted as he grabbed the oak branch they were passing under. He jerked his feet up and pulled himself onto the branch. There were a few vines in the trees, such as the one which currently had Tim, but it was nothing like the ground, which was now a slithering, writhing mass of vegetation.

Cooper had no trouble pulling himself out of harm's way, but Dave's arms were too short to reach a branch.

"Help!" cried Dave, losing elevation as his horse succumbed to the tangle of vines.

Julian and Cooper each grabbed one of Dave's outstretched arms and started to pull. Dave was a solid mass of dwarf, to be sure, and wore metal armor which weighed him down even more, but he felt somehow heavier than he should. When Julian looked down, he discovered the reason they were having such a hard time pulling him up. A vine had coiled itself around Dave's right leg.

"Shit!" said Julian.

"You hold Dave," said Cooper. "I've got to go save Tim."

"What are you talking about?" cried Julian. "I'm like eighty-five pounds soaking wet!"

"Don't let me go!" said Dave. He was sweating through the leopard fur on his wrist, and Julian's tenuous grip was growing even more tenuous.

"I'm okay!" shouted Tim. "Help Dave."

Julian looked back. Tim was still suspended from the tree, but now on his terms. He was holding on to the dead, severed vine with one hand, and holding a shortsword in his other.

"Where the hell did you get that?" asked Julian.

"I swiped it from the bugbears while the rest of you were jerking each other off. Here, catch." Tim tossed the sword to Julian, who let go of Dave to catch it.

It was a clumsy catch, but Julian managed to grip the handle without losing any fingers. Holding it in his own hand, he realized that it was a large dagger. It had only looked like a shortsword in proportion to Tim.

The horses stopped screaming, which meant that the vines had finally strangled them to death. Since magically summoned horses disappear when they die, this also meant that Dave had lost support from below, and a bunch of confused vines groping around for something to grab on to.

"Cut the fucking vines already!" cried Cooper. "I'm losing Dave!"

Julian wrapped his legs around the branch and hung upside down. He wasn't even close to being able to cut the vine wrapped around Dave's right leg, much less the ones which were now threatening to wrap around his left.

"I can't reach him!" said Julian. "You'll have to pull harder!"

"I'm pulling as hard as I fucking can!"

"Idiot!" said Tim, who had climbed onto the branch he'd been hanging from. "Use your Barbarian Rage!"

"Fuck y–" Cooper paused mid-expletive. "Oh, that's actually a good idea. I'M REALLY ANGRY!"

Julian wasn't at an angle where he could see Cooper's body hulking out, but he could see the expression on Dave's face turn from panic to pain plain enough.

"Ow! My fucking arm!" screamed Dave, but he started to rise.

Hanging onto the branch with both legs and one arm, Julian inched a little closer to Dave. As soon as the vine was in striking distance, Julian hacked at it with the big dagger.

"You're doing it wrong," said Tim. "Use the other side!"

Julian was confused. Surely he didn't mean... "You mean the handle?"

Tim slapped his palm against his forehead. "No, dumbass. The other side of the blade. The serrated side. Saw, don't chop."

Julian maneuvered the dagger in his hand until it was facing the opposite way. He sawed at the vine, and found Tim's method to be much more efficient. The blade's teeth cut through the vine in a matter of seconds. Dave, now free of the vine's grip, rose out of sight.

When Julian righted himself on the branch, Cooper was all bulked up, crazy-eyed, and sweaty, but Dave was curiously still out of sight.

"Where's Dave?" asked Julian.

Cooper panted heavily as his body deflated into its usual flabby state. He looked up.

Julian followed Cooper's gaze, and found Dave straddling a branch about ten feet higher than theirs, hugging the tree trunk. "You okay?"

"I'm not really big on heights," said Dave. "And I think my right arm and left leg are a little longer than they're supposed to be, but otherwise I'm good."

With a bit of coaxing, they were able to talk Dave down from his higher branch, and the four of them climbed down a branch on the east-facing side of the tree, where they were able to hop to the ground outside of the forest. There was still no hint of coastline. They were in some kind of valley, the view ahead of them blocked by massive, sheer cliff faces.

Looking back into the tree tunnel, Julian caught the last of the bloodthirsty vines receding back into either side of the path, waiting for the next poor sucker who fancied a quiet walk through the woods.

"That was a close one, eh?" said Ravenus. "Pity about the horses."

Julian shuddered. "Can you imagine if we hadn't been on horseback?"

"Yeah," said Tim. "We'd have been fucked. Can I have my dagger back?"

"Oh, you mean this dagger?" Julian held up the dagger, but didn't offer it to Tim. "You mean the dagger you stole from the monster who wanted to eat us while I was in the middle of negotiating a peaceful resolution?"

"That's the one."

"How do you justify giving me shit about making a marked deck of cards after pulling a stunt like that?"

"That was kind of stupid," said Dave. "If they had caught you, it would have come down to a fight, and the only one of us that would have been armed would have been you."

Tim pointed at Dave. "That dagger just saved your fat ass."

"Just like my cards saved all our asses," said Julian.

"Okay, fine. Great job. Happy? Can I have my dagger now?"

"Sure. That was all I wanted to –"

"My father's dagger!" shouted Raggart's voice from behind them.

"Never mind," said Tim. "You keep it."

When Julian turned around, he found Raggart, Flargarf, and Horrig, approaching cautiously and brandishing long heavy-bladed machetes, the kind that would be ideal for cutting freshly-killed bodies out of a tangle of carnivorous vines. Horrig was also wearing Julian's bag, though their difference in body styles meant that the cross strap had the bag resting just under Horrig's armpit, rather than where Julian wore it at the hip.

"I don't want to seem unappreciative," said Cooper, "but you guys kinda suck at giving directions."

Raggart grinned. "You made better time than I expected. Tell me, how did you escape the assassin vines?"

Julian handed Cooper the dagger, stepped forward, and raised his fists in the air. "With the power of my great sorcery!"

Tim and Cooper laughed through their noses, and Julian discovered what it felt like to fail an Intimidate check.

"Listen," Julian continued. "The only thing different between now and in your cave is that you don't have a horde of bugbears to back you up."

"Do you think I fear death, elf?" asked Raggart.

Julian took a step back. "Well I kind of thought... I mean, it's only natural. Back at the –"

"I would not risk the lives of the women and children of my clan, but I would take my own life before I surrender to an elf."

Julian scrambled to think of a way to help Raggart out of the bravado hole he was digging himself into. "Who said anything about surrender? We aren't even fighting. We each mistakenly took something from the other, and this is just a hostage exchange. You give me my bag, and we'll give you your dagger."

"Like fuck we will!" said Tim.

"Tim," snapped Julian. "Shut up! I'm trying to diplo... mate? Diplomaciate? Diplo–"

"Don't bother," said Raggart. "I shall take my father's dagger out of the half-orc's dead hand."

Cooper stepped forward, brandishing the dagger. "You can take it out of my ASS!"

The bugbears paused briefly to exchange confused glances, then continued pressing forward.

Diplomacy had failed. A fight was inevitable. Julian was down to one first level spell in his head, but if he could get his hands back on his bag, he'd be able to use his back-up scrolls.

"Everyone gang up on the one coming from ten o'clock." Julian couldn't recall ever seeing any clocks in this world, so the bugbears would have no frame of reference. His order might give them a slight edge.

"Is that the one on the left?" asked Cooper.

Julian sighed. "Yes, Cooper."

"What difference does it make who we attack first?" asked Dave, glancing at Horrig. "Hang on... Is this about your stupid cards again?"

"What? Of course not! Why would you even – Wait... Do you hear that?" A strange and beautiful melody flowed down with the breeze from atop the cliffs ahead.

To Julian's surprise, the bugbears lowered their weapons and tilted their heads so that their ears faced upward, toward the source of the sound.

"It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard," said Horrig, a tear rolling down the long scar on his cheek. He did a complete about-face and started walking toward the cliff.

Raggart's eyes were watery as well, but he shook off the song's enchanting effect when he spotted his subordinate retreating. "Horrig! Where do you think you're going?"

"The song," said Flargarf, who now also turned his back on his leader. "Must... find... the song..."

"Hey!" Julian shouted after Horrig. "Can you at least leave my bag behind?"

Horrig didn't respond. He and Flargarf continued their entranced journey in search of the song's source.

Scrolls or no scrolls, they now had enough of an advantage over Raggart that Julian might have another shot at ending their conflict without violence. He put his hands on his hips and attempted to smile in such a way that expressed confidence without being too cocky.

"It would appear the circumstances have changed," said Julian. "Do you still want to –"

Cooper walked past him, dagger in hand.

"Hey, Coop!" said Julian. "Chill out. We can end this peacefull–"

"Surrender my father's dagger at once!" demanded Raggart. "Or in Zabir's name, I'll –"

Cooper tossed the dagger to Raggart. "Dude. Take it. Just shut up so I can hear the song."

Raggart dropped his machete to catch his prized dagger with both hands, then gawked at Cooper as he walked right by him. "Oh. Um... Thank you."

Cooper squirted out a fart in response.

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "Why the hell did you –" Dave and Tim followed Cooper, mouths hanging open and eyes glazed over. "Guys! What the hell are you doing?"

They continued walking as if Julian hadn't even spoken.

Ravenus was standing on the ground, watching everything in curious oblivion, when suddenly his chest puffed out and his beak opened wide. "What is that?"

"Oh no, Ravenus. Not you too," said Julian. "Come on. Shake it off. It's just music."

"A thousand pardons, sir. I wasn't speaking of the music." Ravenus inhaled deeply. "Can you smell that?"

Julian didn't smell anything out of the ordinary, and didn't make any efforts to sniff the air more acutely. If Ravenus thought it smelled good, there was a good chance it smelled like rotting flesh.

"May I go sir?"

Julian frowned. "Don't go far. And if you see what's singing, come back and report."

"Very good, sir!" Ravenus flew off in the direction of the cliff face, but stayed low to the ground. Julian lost sight of him beyond a drop in elevation.

"I gave you an order!" Raggart barked at Horrig. He made a grab at his subordinate's arm, but was elbowed in the face. "How dare you... Who do you think..." The shocked words honked out from his hands cupped over his face. Horrig paid him no further attention as he continued toward the base of the cliff.

Julian wasn't even going to try the same tactic on Cooper. He frowned at Raggart, who was still wheezing through his bloodied nose. "Do you think we should just follow along and see what's going on at the source?"

"Fools!" said Raggart. "Let them meet what fate awaits them!"

"I don't think you really mean that," said Julian. "Those are your friends."

"They'll be meat for the stewpot soon enough, as will you and yours."

Raggart was talking a big game, but Julian noted the conspicuous lack of stabbing he was doing as they walked together behind their entranced companions.

Julian tried to think of something to ask Raggart. Something slightly personal, but not too intrusive. Just enough for them to do some bonding, so that maybe when they got out of whatever was going on here, they might be able to go their separate ways peacefully.

"So... How many children do you have?"

Raggart grunted and gripped the handle of his dagger more tightly.

Too personal. Best to cut off that line of questioning. "I bet you're a great father."

"My son was born with only two testicles, so we ate him. My wife is no longer able to conceive."

Fuck! Julian focused on trying not to look at Raggart's crotch and finding a change of subject. Something else... Anything... Birds!

"There sure are a lot of birds over there." Straight ahead, just in front of the cliff's face, black birds were hopping and flapping over something still obscured by the topography.

"Indeed there are," said Raggart, sounding much more interested than Julian had anticipated. "Carrion feeders, like the one you pretend to converse with."

"I'm not pretending," said Julian. "We're speaking in Elven."

Raggart snorted. "Of course you are."

"You believe what you want," said Julian. "I've got nothing to prove to a guy who just wants to murder and eat me."

"Fear not, elf. We would not eat you, for fear of contracting your brain disease."

"I don't have a –" Julian stopped. Maybe he could work with this. Maybe he could convince them that they all had brain diseases. "Sorry. I get confused sometimes since my friends and I escaped from the asylum. So... If you're not going to eat us, what are you going to do with us?"

"We'll boil you in a separate cauldron and feed you to a rival tribe under the guise of peace negotiations."

Shit. Nothing gained there. "I was making that stuff up about the asylum."

"You are a persuasive one, elf. But you have already betrayed your contaminated brain."

"My brain isn't contaminated!" said Julian. "I'm just as edible as your two-balled –" Whoa. Close call. Don't say 'son'. Don't say 'son'. "– mom!" Shit.

Raggart glanced at him briefly before something ahead caught his attention.

The base of the cliff was visible now. Those entranced by the singing were headed toward a steep staircase carved into the cliff, slightly to the right of where the body of a large humanoid creature lay on its back between concentric rings of jagged rocks on the ground, being picked apart by birds.

Ravenus, being larger than the other birds, was easy enough to spot, tearing yellow-grey flesh loose from the creature's shoulder. From the empathic link they shared, Julian sensed his familiar was in a state of gluttonous ecstasy. That made it even worse.

Julian ran toward the corpse. "Ravenus! Get away from there! Ravenus!" He waved his arms and screamed to shoo the other birds away. "Scram! Go on, get out of here!"

The birds ignored him until he got pretty close, at which point they exploded away in every direction, leaving only Ravenus behind.

"Ravenus!" Julian said again.

The bird's head jerked to attention. He turned around and looked up at Julian. "Forgive me, master. I suppose I got carried away."

"Get off of him. You know I don't like you to do this while I'm around."

Julian glanced over at his friends. They weren't moving particularly fast, but he didn't want to leave their side for long. If there was any information to be gathered here, he'd have to do it quickly. He looked down at the body.

It was bigger than a man's, with a disproportionately large head and arms longer than its legs. It had pointed ears, and an underbite big enough to accommodate the massive teeth of its lower jaw, jutting upward like a spiked fence around his upper lip.

"What is that?" Julian muttered.

"An ogre," said Raggart, who Julian hadn't realized had followed him. "Not dead long. Meat is still good."

The rough, hairy skin was covered in beak and talon marks. The eyes were missing, which came as no surprise to Julian. That was always the first thing Ravenus went for. More surprising was the missing genitalia.

"Did you eat his junk?" Julian asked Ravenus.

"I beg your pardon, sir."

"The things we mammalian guys have between our legs." Julian gestured around his crotch area. "God knows you've seen Tim's enough times."

"The little worm and berries, you mean?"

"Um... yeah. I suppose so."

"No, sir. Those were missing by the time I arrived."

"Ravenus says he didn't eat the dick."

"I should think not," said Raggart. "Your bird is large indeed, but an ogre penis is enough to satisfy a full-grown bugbear."

"Is that right?" It was both a blessing and a tragedy that Cooper wasn't around to ask him how many ogre penises Raggart had been satisfied by.

"Besides, the wound is too even. This was the work of a sharp blade." Raggart stared down at the blade of his father's dagger.

Julian looked over at his friends. They were waiting their turn as Horrig and Flargarf climbed up the first tier of the staircase. He didn't have long if he was going to keep up with them. "Okay. That's some good CSI stuff you've got going on there. What else can you see? How do you think he died?"

Raggart gave a satisfied grunt and a nod. Of course. He didn't want a buddy. He longed for respect, and deference to his Wisdom.

"The removal of the genitals, and the circular pattern of stones suggest some sort of religious sacrifice," said Raggart. "But I am not learned in such practices."

Julian stepped back and took a wider view of the pattern of concentric circles in which the stones were arranged. He let out a weak laugh. "You know what it looks like to me?"

"What's that?"

Oh shit. "I know how he died. We have to keep the others from –"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..." said a voice from above, growing louder and louder.

"Sir, watch out!" cried Ravenus.

Julian didn't bother to look up. He ran as fast as he could to the outermost circle of rocks.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH–"

*SPLAT.*

Julian turned around to find another ogre lying face-down right where he'd just been standing. If the first ogre had suffered at all before opportunistic birds had taken his few remaining Hit Points, then this one was luckier. His head had landed on one of the larger rocks, obliterating his skull on impact. His 'worm and berries' were also missing.

"This is no religious ceremony," said Julian. "This is a target." He looked up. Three hundred feet in the air, three creatures with bat-like wings hovered over the edge of the cliff. That's where the song was coming from.

"Harpies," said Raggart. "It's just as I feared. Our friends are compelled to seek the source of the song. They will not listen to reason. They outnumber us by too great a margin. If we try to restrain them as they climb, we will all surely fall to our deaths. There is another route up this mountain, but it is much longer. Would that we had a horse, we could –"

"Horse!" said Julian. A strong brown steed appeared before them.

Raggart looked at him. "Mighty sorcerer indeed." He didn't smile, but Julian felt a mutual respect building between them.

Julian opted to hold off on telling him that he'd just spent his last spell for the day... not counting the backup scrolls that Horrig still held in his bag.

When doubling up on a horse, the heavier person gets to sit in the saddle. They are the anchor. Being an elf, this usually meant that Julian was going to be the one with the sore arms and ass.

Raggart rode in the saddle, and Julian wrapped his arms around him from behind.

"Shall I scout ahead, sir?" Ravenus asked as they prepared to depart.

"No," said Julian. "Those things are dangerous, and they can fly. Why don't you go keep an eye on the others? Don't try to interfere. Just watch over them and report back if there's anything you think I need to know."

"Very good, sir."

Julian didn't have a good view of the path they took. He was too preoccupied with hugging a monster who wanted to feed him to his enemies to pay much attention to his surroundings. All he could tell for certain was that they were riding fast, gradually ascending along a gradual clockwise curve, and that bugbear hair was prickly and smelled like fermented garbage.

Some time between forty-five minutes to an hour later, the rhythm of hooves slowed as the pounding of horse ass against his balls grew less and less severe. They must have been close, because the harpy's song was loud and clear, so much so that Julian didn't feel the need to be particularly quiet.

"Are we planning to fight the harpies?" asked Julian.

"Until not one of their wretched hearts still beat." Raggart stopped the horse and dismounted. "I've never tasted harpy before." He licked his lips.

"Do you have a plan of attack?"

"I shall hack away at them until they no longer continue to live."

Julian frowned. "That's nice and uncomplicated."

"These beasts are far too dangerous to try to capture alive."

"That wasn't my primary concern."

Raggart looked at Julian, inviting him to continue.

"I'm more worried that they outnumber us at least three to one, and I'm not much good in a fight."

"I have seen you conjure up a living horse with your sorcery. Surely you can melt their faces off."

Julian wondered briefly if Melt Face Off was actually a spell in the game, then focused his attention on the task of avoiding a suicide mission without having to admit that he was both unarmed and out of spells. "I was thinking more along the lines of a diplomatic approach. Get a lay of the land, so to speak, maybe find a tactical advantage before we dive headlong into stabbing and face-melting."

"Your methods are unconventional, elf. But you have proved yourself both cunning and capable. I shall follow your lead... for now."

"Okay, good. Now here's how I think we should –" Julian heard voices other than the harpy song. It was the other two bugbears.

"Me first!"

"No, me!"

"Shut up! I can't hear the song!"

"You shut up!"

"Okay," said Julian. "We come out non-threateningly, as if we were also entranced by the song."

Raggart nodded.

Julian chanced a peek over the rock he was hiding behind. The mountaintop was wide, flat and rocky, spotted here and there with dried pools of blood. He didn't see any harpies, but he saw where Horrig and Flargarf were scrambling onto the scene. Horrig was up first, and Julian noticed he was pitching a major tent under his hide pants.

"There you are, sir."

Julian ducked back behind his rock, trying to stifle a heart attack. "Ravenus! Keep it down." He looked up at Raggart. "This isn't going to work."

"Why not?"

"They're not going to believe we're entranced if we don't have erections."

"Not a problem," said Raggart. He closed his eyes. "I shall recall the time I deflowered my niece."

Julian grimaced. "That's... um... lovely."

"At the time, it was. But we were caught, and she was deemed unfit for marriage. We ate her."

Raggart's short tale of incest, murder, and cannibalism threw any chance of Julian's ability to conjure up an erection on the spot right out the window. Desperate times. Desperate measures. He looked down at his familiar.

"Ravenus. I need a favor."

"Anything, master!"

"I need you to be my... worm and berries."

Ravenus stood a little straighter, staring at Julian's crotch. "You mean your... junk, sir?"

"Correct."

"I'm flattered, sir. But I don't even know if we're compatible. Physically, I mean."

"What? No! I just need you to perch on my belt and keep still under my serape, providing the illusion that my junk is larger than it actually is."

"Are you attempting to seduce the harpies, sir? Once you get a close look at them, you may have a change of heart."

"Just get in here and hold still until I tell you otherwise." Julian pulled back one side of his serape.

"My my, gentlemen," said a voice that Julian assumed was one of the harpies that wasn't the one singing. "What a strapping bunch of visitors we have here today." Her voice was raspier than the singer's. Maybe it was her grandmother or something. "Do you think we're... pretty?"

Eager responses came from everyone.

"Oh yes!"

"Absolutely!"

"Lady, I've got more blood in my dick than in my head right now."

Julian waved Ravenus forward. "Hurry up!"

Ravenus hopped onto Julian's crotch and gripped his belt with his talons. Julian stood up and covered Ravenus with his serape.

"That's no good. They'll never believe my dick's that big. Here. Go between my legs so that only your head is poking out." Julian reached down and helped Ravenus into position.

"Shall I grip you by the junk, sir?"

"Hell no!" said Julian. "You keep those talons away from my junk. I'll just hold you snug between my thighs." Every part of that sounded wrong.

"But there are more of you than there are of us," said the raspy harpy. "How will we ever choose who gets to mate with us?"

Shit was about to go down. It was time for Julian and Raggart to make their move. Julian looked at Raggart, who was still concentrating, but already had a passable bulge going on. "You about ready?"

Raggart's eyes were shut tight. His fists were clenched. "Don't worry. They'll never find us. The danger is what makes it exciting."

Julian cleared his throat.

Raggart awoke from his memory. "Oh. Yes. Let's go."

Julian spread his arms and looked down at his crotch. "How do I look?"

Raggart also looked at Julian's crotch, but seemed uncomfortable. "Um... great." He must have been pretty deep into that memory, but the awkwardness of the moment confirmed in Julian's mind that Ravenus was doing a satisfactory job of passing for a penis.

"All right," said Julian. "Remember. We're madly, desperately in love with them." He turned around, grabbed his horse's lead rope, and started walking. With Ravenus between his legs, he had to walk like he was holding in a fart.

"What's wrong with your legs?" asked Raggart.

"Don't worry about it."

He shuffled out from the rock and found Tim, Cooper, and the two bugbears standing at attention. Okay Julian. Time to put that Charisma score to the test. "Oh, what sweet, beautiful music is this? I am entranced by the –"

These were truly the most horrifying creatures Julian had ever seen. They offended his eyes in every way imaginable. The singing one's face was completely covered in brown, dry blood, crusted and cracked all the way down her neck to the tops of her sagging, old-lady breasts. Her hair was a tangled mess, also caked with dried blood. Her bat wings were folded back, as she stood on scaly reptilian legs. Around her neck she wore a long necklace which consisted of a thin hempen cord sewn through a collection of dried, shriveled penises of varying lengths and states of decomposition.

The other two were pretty much the same, the main differences being the fresh red blood covering the lower halves of their faces, and the recently-severed giant ogre penises on each of their necklaces.

"My my, Lucinda," said the raspy harpy. "Two more players. We shall have to think of a new game."

Raggart whispered to himself. "The danger is what makes it exciting. The danger is what makes it exciting. The danger is what makes it exciting." He was understandably having difficulty maintaining his erection.

The harpy Julian assumed was named Lucinda clapped her hands together. "Oh fun! I love new games! And have you ever seen an elf so well-endowed? I must have that one for my collection."

Julian's body involuntarily stiffened, including his thighs.

"KWAA!" cried Julian's junk.

Julian cleared his throat. "Excuse me."

"I know a game," said Horrig. "It's a card game called 'Pok'Har'.

The raspy harpy sneered at him. "I was thinking of something more along the lines of clawing all your eyes out and forcing you to blindly fight to the death."

"Yes!" said Cooper. "That sounds fucking awesome!"

The song, which the third harpy had been singing this whole time until it was unnoticeable background noise, came to a sudden halt.

Flargarf and Horrig screamed something in their native Goblin tongue as the two harpies who hadn't been singing screeched and flew backward, just out of everyone's immediate reach.

"Fuck!" cried Cooper.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Tim. "Couldn't you have at least made good on your promise to claw our eyes out?"

While Julian's eyes were focused on everyone else's erections withering like time-lapse photography of dying flowers, he didn't notice everyone staring at his seemingly still-raging boner... until he did. He relaxed his thighs, and his junk fell to the ground with a muffled grunt.

"Matilda!" snapped the raspy harpy. "Why have you stopped singing?"

Matilda walked toward Horrig like a Jesus lizard. "I want to know more about this 'Pok'Har'. Do you have a deck of cards with you, bugbear?"

"Uh... uh... of course I do," said Horrig. He pulled Julian's deck out of Julian's bag, glancing briefly at Julian to see if he was going to raise any objections.

Julian nodded his encouragement, then glanced over to see if Tim was appreciating the value of his cards. He must have been doing a poor job of containing his smugness, as Tim responded with a jerk-off gesture.

Horrig nervously licked his big lips before turning back to Matilda. "What say we make this interesting?"

Lucinda hovered low over the ground. "How do you mean?"

Horrig swallowed hard. "Every time one of us wins a round, the winner is free to go. Every time one of you wins a hand, you get to choose one of us to do with as you will."

Julian would have used different terms, but Horrig was desperate and perhaps not as gifted a negotiator. He was doing a pretty good job. If Julian tried to step in now, it might stink of conspiracy. Unbeknownst to Horrig, he might be setting up Julian and his friends with a heavy advantage. If they were bright enough to look to him before discarding, he'd be able to tip them off.

The raspy harpy scoffed. "Your terms are too one-sided. You offer us nothing we cannot take for ourselves. Continue your song, Matilda."

Shit. Julian balled his fists and willed himself to resist the enchanting song.

"I want to learn the game, mother!"

The two harpies took to the air, circling around one another, hissing and screeching in some sort of dominance ritual. Finally, they descended and mom gave in to her daughter's wishes.

"Very well," said the mother. "Let me see those cards."

Horrig held out the deck in his trembling hand.

The mother harpy snatched it away and began observing individual cards. "Did a child draw these while being chased by a pack of wolves?"

Everyone's a fucking critic.

"Apologies, ma'am," said Horrig. "I'm no artist. The beauty of these cards cannot hope to match your own."

Well, well. Perhaps ol' Horrig has taken a few ranks in Diplomacy too.

The mother harpy's lips tightened, as if she was trying to mask her satisfaction. "I suppose they are serviceable." She pulled on a chain around her neck until a glass pendant came up from between her breasts.

She held the pendant to one eye, squinted through it at a card, then flipped the card over and squinted at the back. "What's this?"

Shit.

The mother harpy flipped through several more cards, observing the fronts and backs, before finally flinging the entire deck to the ground. "Cheater!"

"What?" said Matilda and Horrig.

"The bugbear takes us for fools! The cards are marked!"

Horrig stood dumbfounded.

Flargarf glared at Julian. "I knew it!"

Julian could feel Raggart's eyes burning a hole in the back of his head. He was glad there was a horse between them.

The mother harpy flapped her wings slowly, descending toward Horrig like an Angel of Death. "We have penalties for those who would deceive us."

Julian heard Tim clear his throat, but didn't give him the satisfaction of looking his way.

"It wasn't me!" cried Horrig. "They belong to the elf! This is his bag!" He threw Julian's bag like it was crawling with spiders. It landed at Julian's feet.

Julian looked down at the bag, then up at the mother harpy, who was waiting for a response to the accusation.

Sorry, Horrig.

"I've never seen this bag or those cards in my life."

The mother harpy looked back at Horrig. "More lies!" She grabbed him by his upper arms, restrained them against his body, and flapped her wings harder. "Time for this bird to leave the nest."

Lucinda and Matilda screeched gleefully as Horrig's urine traced a line past the cliff's edge.

"Filthy cheater!"

"Make him fly, mother!"

Julian started to feel a tug of guilt. If it meant he and his friends survive, he might have been able to just sit back and let it happen. But Horrig's death would just mean one less ally against the harpies, now that a fight was looking all but inevitable.

"Stop!" cried Julian. The harpies all looked at him. "Horrig was telling the truth. I made those cards."

The mother harpy glared at Julian and screeched, but didn't move back to the edge of the cliff. Time to add a little Bluff to the Diplomacy.

"I only ever intended to use them in the event of an emergency. Judge me if you will, but from one parent to another, is a little deception such a bad thing if it means I get to see my daughters again?"

The mother harpy's grimace wavered. "You have daughters?"

No.

"Two beautiful baby girls, just like yours... just like Horrig's." Julian gestured at the harpy's terrified captive. "His youngest is only a few weeks old. She's adorable."

The mother harpy frowned at Horrig, then looked back at Julian. "No one appreciates how hard it is to raise two daughters all by yourself."

"What happened to your... to their father?"

She looked down at her necklace of shriveled dicks. "A human father has nothing to teach a harpy chick. Once I had his seed inside me, I unmanned and ate him."

"Well that's... resourceful?" Come on, Julian. You can do better than that. "We have offended you, but I beg you to show mercy on our baby girls."

"I would never harm a child," said the mother harpy. "What kind of monster do you take me for?"

"Hold on," said Cooper. "I know this one." He pressed his fat lips together for a moment while his tiny half-orc brain went into overdrive. "Medium monstrous humanoid!"

Tim punched Cooper in the hamstring and whispered, "Dude, shut the fuck up!"

Julian was finally beginning to see some humanity through the crusty mask of dried blood on the harpy mother's face, and he knew he'd better start talking before Cooper made her start thinking about murder again. "Don't you think you'd be harming Horrig's children by taking their father from them?"

The mother harpy thought for a moment, then finally sighed. "You have touched my heart, elf. All too often, I teach my girls the arts of seduction, maiming, torturing, and killing. Rarely do I teach them about compassion and mercy. As an example for my daughters, I shall set you and your friends free."

A wave of relief washed over Julian. Finally, he had the courage to look back at Raggart, who gave him a grudging nod.

Horrig was breathing heavily as the mother harpy flew him back toward the cliff's edge, and he wasn't the only one. Someone behind Julian was breathing like they'd just run a marathon in under an hour.

"I..." *pant* "HOLD..." *pant* "THEE!" *pant pant pant*

Julian turned around. "Dave?" He'd completely forgotten that Dave had been missing all this time. He must have had a hard time climbing the mountain with his fat little dwarf legs.

"NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo..."

Julian turned back to the cliff's edge. "Horrig?" But Horrig and the mother harpy were nowhere to be seen. From the fading of Horrig's scream, he had a pretty good idea which way they'd gone.

"Mother!" cried Matilda. Lucinda merely screeched in horror as the both of them dove out of sight after their falling mother.

Julian, Cooper, and Raggart ran toward the cliff's edge to see if there was any chance that the harpy daughters would be able to save their mother and Horrig, but the abrupt end to Horrig's scream told them all they needed to know before they made it that far.

"Dave!" said Tim. "What the hell have you done?"

"What's wrong?" asked Dave. "I used a Hold Person spell. I thought we were in a fight."

"Well we're sure as shit in one now!"

"Yah!" shouted Flargarf. He was sitting on Julian's horse, now looking far less confident than his 'Yah!' had sounded. The horse wasn't going anywhere.

"Yah!" Flargarf shouted again, with more than a hint of desperation in his voice as he kicked at the stubbornly immobile horse's sides.

Raggart shoved Julian aside as he stomped back toward the horse. "You stinking coward! You would leave me here to die with this band of idiots and bird fuckers?"

"It wasn't like that," said Julian. "I needed Ravenus to be my –"

"EEEEELLLLLLLFFFF!" shouted one of the daughter harpies, her voice getting louder as she drew near.

Shit! Dave killed their mom. Why were they blaming Julian? Unless they thought he'd orchestrated the whole thing. Shit!

Julian spotted his bag on the ground next to the horse and made a mad dash for it. As he got close, Flargarf, still flicking the horse's reins and kicking its sides, drew one of his long machetes. His terrified eyes were focused on a point behind Julian.

One of the harpies screeched behind him. She sounded pissed.

Julian scooped up his bag and ran around to the other side of the horse, hoping that Flargarf could keep her busy while he opened up a scroll tube.

He hadn't yet gotten around to labeling his scroll tubes, so he might have to get creative. As he unscrewed the cap, he hoped for a Magic Missile or a Web, or really anything but a Ventriloquism. He unrolled the parchment inside and read the name of the spell.

[ Animate Rope ]

Not Ventriloquism, but almost as useless in a fight.

The harpy howled. Julian looked up from his scroll. Matilda was hovering above Flargarf, bleeding from a fresh cut in her left tit. In a mad rage, she grabbed him by both ears and shoved her nicotine-yellow thumbnails into his eyes.

Julian winced as Flargarf's machete fell out of his hand and onto the blood-spattered ground. He had a terrible, terrible idea. He licked his lips as he looked over the spell, then read the incantation aloud.

"Rope! Grab!"

The horse's lead rope wrapped itself tightly around Matilda's scaly right leg, between calf and talon.

Sorry, horse. "Run!" cried Julian. The horse bolted off so fast that Flargarf would almost certainly have fallen off if Matilda hadn't had such a firm grip on his eye sockets.

Matilda got in a few desperate (but ultimately futile) wing flaps, before she, Flargarf, and Baxter (Julian decided the horse should have a name before he died) sailed off the edge of the cliff together.

Lucinda screeched helplessly as her sister fell to her death, then locked her eyes on Julian.

Cooper, Dave, Tim, and even Raggart took defensive positions in front of Julian.

"Hurry, sorcerer," said Raggart. "Find another spell. The rest of you, defend him." He passed one of his own machetes to Cooper, and his father's dagger to Tim. Dave picked up Flargarf's machete, still soaked in tit-blood, off the ground. There were now four of them, not counting Julian, against one harpy. If she moved in to attack, they stood a pretty good chance.

Julian opened up another scroll tube.

Mage Hand.

Shit. There wasn't much he could think to do with that one. Hopefully, the others could hold her at bay while he found a better—

Lucinda, hovering above them all, began to sing again. Julian felt a flutter in his heart. His Willpower was being tested.

Julian dropped his bag and covered his ears. "It's just a song. It's just a song." But his elven ears were far too sensitive, and the harpy's music saturated the air around him.

"Sir," said Ravenus, looking up at Julian from on the ground. "Are you feeling all right?"

That's a good bird, Ravenus. Keep distracting me. "Yeah, great. You?"

"I'm beginning to feel a bit woozy, sir."

Julian knew what he was talking about. His own blood was beginning to flow out of his head and into his dick. He was losing the battle.

"This is, like, my new favorite song," said Tim.

Damn. She got Tim again.

"It moves my heart," said Dave.

"It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard," said Cooper. The long, soft fart that wafted out only seemed to compliment the melody.

"It's beauty is only matched by your own," said Raggart.

Julian could resist no longer. He looked up.

Lucinda was radiant in her nakedness, hovering above them like a winged goddess, her sweet breath caressing her vocal cords like gentle fingers dancing over the strings of a harp.

"I need you," Julian heard himself say, as if in a lucid dream.

Lucinda smiled at him as she slowly descended toward him, still singing her beautiful song.

The others crowded near him, but Lucinda waved them all back. Julian's heart beat harder, knowing she wanted him, and only him.

When she reached the ground, she ran a fingernail down Julian's cheek. It felt like the gentlest thing ever, but at the same time he was aware that she'd drawn blood. He didn't care. He'd give her all the blood he had and more.

Julian inhaled deeply to calm his nerves. "I would be honored if you would take my..."

Lucinda nodded for him to continue.

"... my member, and wear it around your neck so that you may never forget me. I want to bleed until my spirit parts from my body, riding to the next life on the sound of your voice."

Lucinda smiled and held up a small, slightly rusted, hooked knife.

Julian's penis grew even harder. He couldn't wait. "Take my testicles, too. Everything that makes me a man now belongs to you."

"And if you have any use for my cloaca," said Ravenus, "by all means, have at it."

Lucinda gestured for Julian to lift up his robes.

Julian hurried to comply. He couldn't wait for the bite of rusty steel against his junk. "Your song shall transport me between worlds."

"This Justin Bieber bullshit?" said Tim, from behind Lucinda. "Please."

What an odd, roundabout compliment... Why would he...?

A look of sudden confusion showed on Lucinda's face as well.

"I made my Saving Throw, bitch. Sneak Attack!"

Before Julian knew what was happening, Lucinda hit a note that was wildly off-key. Julian dropped to his knees, shutting his eyes and clapping his hands over his ears. Certainly not the caliber of singing a guy would want to lose his dick over.

When Julian opened his eyes again, Lucinda was hideous. But she always had been, even when I... Why did I think she... Was I just about to let her...

Lucinda spun around to rake her claws across Tim's face. She drew some blood, but it didn't look half as bad as the bleeding dagger wound he'd left in her back.

Cooper, Dave, and Raggart were still coming out of their enchantment when Lucinda started flapping her wings again.

Julian knew he wasn't heavy enough to weigh her down, but he couldn't risk letting her escape to start singing again. He lunged at her and wrapped his hands around one of her reptilian chicken legs.

She tore through his sleeve with her free talon, into his forearm. Julian was riding on enough adrenaline such that the pain didn't yet register, but he could see the blood soaking through his shirt. He wouldn't be able to withstand many of those before letting go.

Holding firm with his good arm, he grabbed at her other ankle with his injured arm. This kept him safe from her talons, but it did little to improve his lack of contact with the ground.

Tim made an impressive jump to grab at Julian's foot, but came up short, swiping the air just below him.

"I'm coming for you, sir!" said Ravenus, rocketing in a trajectory that would intersect with Lucinda's face.

"No, Ravenus!" said Julian. "Back off. She's too dangerous for you to handle. I've got this." With little regard for how Ravenus might take it, he then shouted, "Cooper!"

Cooper shook his big, meaty head and looked from side to side.

"Up here!"

Cooper looked up. "Julian?"

It didn't matter. As high as they'd flown, Cooper appeared about as big as Tim. Julian was on his own.

He wished he hadn't blown through all his spells already. His bag, with all of his backup scrolls, was barely visible from this high up.

Hold on... He hadn't blown through all his spells. Only the first-level ones. Were there any 0-level spells that would be of any use? The damage-inflicting spells wouldn't inflict enough damage to be worth it. What did that leave?

Read Magic. No.

Detect Magic. No.

Dancing Lights. No.

Ghost Sound. No.

Touch of Fatigue. No... Wait a minute... Yes. Hell yes!

"Touch of Fatigue!"

A trickle of magic flowed out of Julian's hands into Lucinda's legs. She started to screech an objection, but it quickly morphed into a yawn. Her wing flaps became more labored, and they began to descend.

When they were low enough so that Julian could let go, he held on even tighter. Her scaly legs were getting slippery with sweat, but he couldn't risk letting her go. Fortunately, she was panting too hard to be able to sing.

Finally, they were low enough for Cooper to grab Julian by the leg and pull them down to the ground.

When Cooper grabbed Lucinda by the throat, Julian let go of her legs.

She weakly attempted to scratch and claw at Cooper, but his outstretched arm was longer than hers were.

"What should I do with her?" asked Cooper.

"Kill her!" said Tim, albeit from a safe distance.

Cooper frowned.

Dave seemed to sense Cooper's moral quandary. "At least punch her unconscious so we can tie her up."

"But she's a girl."

"Dude, she was going to cut your dick off!"

"It doesn't feel right to punch a girl in the face."

The face in question was turning blue through its brown, crusty exterior as both of Lucinda's hands were trying in vain to pry her neck loose from Cooper's grip.

"You're strangling her to death right now," said Dave. "I don't know what your own code of chivalry says, but I can't see how straight up murder is preferable to just knocking the bitch out.

Cooper looked to Julian. Julian nodded.

"Okay." Cooper punched Lucinda in the face until her arms went limp.

"It's just subdual damage," said Dave. "She'll get those Hit Points back when she wakes up."

"We should stuff her mouth with something," said Tim. "Just in case she wakes up and starts singing before we're far enough away. Cooper, tear me off a piece of your loincloth."

"Which piece?"

"The piece with the most shit caked into it."

Cooper ripped off a piece of loincloth which had been covering his ass, leaving one cheek exposed to the elements. The lesion-marred fur suggested that whatever animal it had come from was only slightly better off in life than it was now in death, covered in half-orc shit.

Tim pulled his shirtsleeves up over his hands before stuffing the rolled up ball of hide into the harpy's mouth. When it was in as deep as he could get it, he pulled a rope out of Julian's bag and tied her arms behind her around a thick tree.

"Are you quite finished with your shameful display of compassion?" asked Raggart.

Tim shrugged. "Pretty much. Now, are we anywhere near the coast, or was that whole story bullshit?"

"Hand over my father's dagger, halfling."

"Ha ha," said Tim. "How about no."

"Come on," said Julian. "It belonged to his father."

"Fuck his father. Those assholes probably ate the old bastard anyway."

"It is our custom," said Raggart. "It matters not. I shall take back my father's dagger once I have destroyed you all." He held up his long machete. "Prepare to die."

Julian backed up. "Hold on, man. You can't be serious. After all we've just been through?"

"I must avenge my fallen comrades, murdered by your sorcery."

"We were only defending ourselves," said Julian. "Be reasonable about this. We outnumber you four to one. Surely we've all seen enough death for one day."

"You won't talk your way out of this one, elf. Today is the day you die."

"Fuck this," said Tim. "Dave?"

Dave nodded. "I hold thee."

Raggart froze as still as a statue, his eyes boiling with impotent rage. Cooper started dragging his body toward another tree.

"No," said Julian. "We should tie them to each other."

"Why?" asked Dave.

"If we just tie them both to trees, the first one to get free will just murder the other one."

Tim shrugged. "And we should give a fuck because..."

"If they're tied to one another, they'll have to work as a team to get free. Maybe through working together, they'll earn each other's respect, and go on to form a lasting friendship."

Dave snorted. "You can't possibly still be this naive. They'll start beating the shit out of each other as soon as they get a free hand."

"Then it'll be as fair a fight as we can grant each of them. Let's get the hell out of here."