(Original Publication Date: December 10, 2015)

Tim fell backwards a short distance, his ass crushing something cold and wet where his upturned bucket had just been. Everything around him was cold and wet. And dark. Why was it so dark? He couldn't see shit.

"What the f-f-f-fuck?" The sudden change in temperature was taking over his sudden blindness as a priority. "Where the f-f-f-fuck am I? Julian! Dave! Cooper!"

He felt around. Soft, cold, crunchy. Snow. He was stuck in a small cavity of fresh snow. Did he get caught in an avalanche? How much had he had to drink?

No. No no no. That couldn't be it. He was at the Whore's Head Inn, and it was still late summer. He knew he was there because that's why he'd been in a sitting position. Where the hell did his bucket go? Where the hell did all this snow come from? Shit! How much oxygen did he have?

Tim concentrated on what way was up. His feet were on solid ground, so up was the opposite way. He clawed frantically at the snow, widening the cavity above him and packing the snow more tightly near his waist. If he packed it tight enough, it would support his weight, and he could keep climbing.

"F-f-f-fuck it's c-c-c-cold!"

His fingers were starting to numb, and he had to take a piss. Two birds, one stone. He unlaced his pants and pulled out his little halfling dick. The pee was good and warm on his hands, but not so good for the structural integrity of the step he was trying to make, as he found out when his foot went right through it.

"Goddamn it!"

"Tim?" Julian's voice was faint above the snow, but it was definitely him.

"Julian!" cried Tim. "I'm down here!"

"Where?" Julian was getting closer. "I can't see you!"

Tim needed a signal. He felt around to see what he had on him. He still had his crossbow. Perfect. He loaded a bolt, cocked it back, aimed up, and pulled the trigger.

A gurgling whinny answered his signal.

"Shit."

The darkness broke as the head of a white, wide-eyed horse crashed into Tim's snow cavity, spraying blood out of its neck. Tim covered his eyes. When he looked again, the horse had disappeared. His bolt lay in a patch of orange snow. He dipped it a few times in some clean snow, then packed it away. Waste not, want not.

Julian, who had obviously been riding the magically summoned horse that Tim just accidentally murdered, stood up and shook the snow off of his serape and quarterstaff. The snow was only up to right below his chest. "Was that really necessary?"

"S-s-s-sorry," said Tim. "I p-p-p-panicked. W-w-w-where the ffffuck are we?"

"I don't know," said Julian. He averted his eyes as he reached down to help Tim up. "Why are your pants down?"

"I had to – Oomf!" Tim's hand slipped free of Julian's, sending him face first into the blood and piss stained snow.

"Dude!" said Julian. "Is this pee on your hand?"

Tim spat out some soiled snow. "And now in my mouth, thank you very much."

"Julian!" called Dave. His voice was clear. His head was obviously above the snow.

Julian nodded. "Hey, Dave."

"Don't Hey, Dave me! What's with all the snow?"

"How should I know?" said Julian. "I guess it's just one of those game things."

"No," said Tim, lacing up his pants. "There's nothing in the game that makes a group of people spontaneously teleport from a pub to a fucking tundra for no reason."

"You think we were teleported?"

"What else could it be? I've been pretty fucking drunk in my life, but I've never woken up in Antarctica."

"Shit!" said Julian, as if only now realizing something was amiss.

"What?" asked Dave.

"Cooper." Julian turned frantically, looking in every direction. "Has anyone seen Cooper?"

"I've been down here in this hole," said Tim. "I haven't seen shit."

"Cooper's bigger than any of us," said Dave. "If anyone's not going to have a problem with a couple of feet of snow, it's him."

Julian pulled on his long elf ears. "He was passed out on the floor. What if he didn't wake up, and he's buried in snow? He could suffocate." He pulled the left side of his serape back and looked under it. "Ravenus. I need you to scout the area."

"It's so cold, sir," said the bird. "And I really am quite drunk. Couldn't you send the big fellow, just this once?"

"Cooper's missing. I need you to go look for him."

"Righty-ho." Ravenus feigned enthusiasm for his task through a stifled yawn. "Pip.Pip. Here we go."

Julian launched Ravenus into the air. Ravenus got in about three good flaps before he plummeted into the snow.

"Ravenus!" cried Julian. "Are you okay?"

"I am now, sir," said Ravenus. "My, but that's invigorating."

Tim could barely see Ravenus's dark form through the falling snow as he passed overhead. It was coming down hard, and Tim's hole was starting to fill back up. Every trace of urine and horse blood had been whitened away with a blanket of pristine snow.

"Hey!" Tim called up to Julian. "You mind getting me out of this hole now?"

"Did you wash your hands?"

Tim grabbed a handful of fresh snow, rubbed his numb hands together, and flung it down at his sides. "There. Are you satisfied now, mom?"

Julian forced his way through the snow into Tim's hole. "I don't know what you're so keen to get out of there for. There's nothing to see." He picked up Tim and put him on top of the snow.

Tim looked around. Julian was right. Nothing but snow as far as he could see in any direction, which admittedly wasn't very far. Still, it was nice to have some freedom of movement.

Between his high Dexterity score, his small size, and his proportionally large halfling feet, Tim found he was able to traverse the surface of the snow without sinking. He took careful steps to the edge of the trench Dave had carved.

Dave's head barely broke the surface. He must have had ten pounds of snow in his beard alone.

"Jesus, Dave," said Tim. "You must be freezing."

Dave shrugged. "Dwarves are built for this sort of thing."

Tim traced Dave's trench to the end, then the trench that Julian's horse had carved before Tim accidentally shot it, then looked at his own hole. He forced himself to remember where everyone had been at the Whore's Head Inn.

"Guys," said Tim. "I think our starting positions here are relative to where we were at the Whore's Head when we got teleported. If Cooper is here…" He turned around and faced an empty snowscape. "He should be a few yards in –"

"I've found him, sir!" cried Ravenus, flapping in from the direction Tim was facing.

"Good job, Ravenus!" said Julian. "Cooper! We're over here!"

"That won't do you any good, sir. I believe he's still asleep."

"Then how did you see him? Why isn't he covered in snow?"

Ravenus raised his wings in a shrug. "That is an excellent question, sir."

Tim's prediction on where to find Cooper was confirmed by the direction Ravenus had flown in from. He didn't wait for directions.

Moments later, Tim was standing at the edge of a crater in the snow. Cooper lay sound asleep in the middle of it, with only a light dusting of snow on his body.

"That's strange," said Tim. "How do you suppose he –"

*PRRRFFFBBBBTBTBTBTBTHBBBBTTT*

Cooper's loincloth fluttered as a long, noisy fart instantly melted what little snow had accumulated on him since his previous fart.

"Oh my god," said Tim as the noxious gas invaded his eyes, nose, and mouth. "What the fuck did you eat last –"

The fart-weakened snow gave way beneath Tim's feet, sending him crashing to the bottom of the crater.

"Tim?" Julian called out.

"AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!" Tim replied. Cooper's fart was apparently denser than air, as it was much more concentrated inside the snow crater. Tim scooped up a big ball of snow, packed it hard, and threw it at Cooper's face.

"Dude," said Cooper without opening his eyes. "Knock it off. I'm trying to sleep."

"Fuck you!" said Tim, and hurled another snowball at Cooper's face.

Cooper yawned, stretched, and finally stood up. He walked to the edge of the crater and pulled up his loincloth. A steaming jet of dark yellow piss sliced through the snow like a ten-foot-long light-saber. "It's kinda chilly in here."

Tim hurled a third snowball at the back of Cooper's head. "Dude! You need to wake up!"

Cooper turned around, cutting down the top foot of snow around half the circumference of the crater, except for the part that Tim blocked with his face. "Oh, shit. Sorry about that."

Tim scooped up some white snow and scrubbed his face. "Is it too much to ask to go through a single day without being covered in piss?"

Cooper squinted, looking to his left and right and scratching his balls. "Something's different." He farted again, and the section of crater wall behind him melted into a pool at his feet.

"Cooper!" said Julian, trudging through the snow. "Thank goodness you're all right! I was worried you might have – Oh my God! What's that smell?" He'd broken through to the fart crater.

"Help me!" said Tim.

Cooper picked up Tim. "You guys need to grow the fuck up." He tossed Tim out of the crater.

Tim spread out his arms and legs, maximizing the surface area with which he'd hit the snow so as to minimize how far he'd sink. It worked. He barely left an imprint as he bellyflopped onto the cold white surface.

Julian did a dolphin jump over the side of his trench, diving into a patch of snow that wasn't connected to the pipeline of concentrated fart.

"Oh man!" cried Dave, the top of his helmet visible above Julian's former trench. "What is that – It's like bacon and cheese, only terrible!"

Ravenus flew into view and perched atop Julian's quarterstaff just as he was standing up in his new trench. "Where's the danger, master?"

"It's okay, Ravenus," said Julian.

"I sensed you were being violently choked. Show me who assaulted you, and they shall feel the fury of beak and talon!"

"It was Cooper's ass."

Ravenus looked at Cooper, then back down at Julian. "Forgive me, sir. My loyalty has boundaries."

"Don't worry. We're not in any danger." Julian hugged himself. "I mean, aside from being inexplicably lost in a snowy wasteland without food, shelter, or adequate clothing."

"I spotted a cave not far from here, sir."

"Sweet!" said Tim. "Let's get moving. Lead the way already!"

Ravenus looked blankly at Tim, then down at Julian. "Is he talking to me, sir?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," said Tim. Julian had made the mistake of choosing Elven as the language his familiar could speak, and so the bird couldn't understand anything anyone said unless they were speaking in a British accent. Tim cleared his throat. "Tally-ho, good chap! Start flapping ye collywobbles and show us to the goddamn cave…mate."

"Right," said Ravenus. "This way, gents." He launched himself from Julian's quarterstaff and flew into the snow-filled sky.

Cooper effortlessly plowed through the snow after Ravenus.

"Horse," said Julian. The horse that appeared beside him was brown this time, and did not look at all happy about suddenly materializing in a snowstorm. Julian mounted the horse and guided it around the circumference of Cooper's fart-hole.

Tim looked back. Dave's head was buried in the side of his trench. Tim threw a snowball at him.

"What?" said Dave.

"Ravenus found a cave. Let's move."

Dave pulled his head out of the snow. His face was red and his beard was white, kind of the opposite of normal. He looked across the crater at Cooper. "I don't think I can make it."

"Don't be such a baby," said Tim. "Just keep your head held high. The fart-air will sink as it flows into your trench."

Cooper farted, melting the sides of his new trench immediately behind him.

Tim shook his head. "That is, if Cooper doesn't keep filling it up. Can't you plug that up with something?"

"Sure," said Cooper. "Come on over here."

Dave scooped up two handfuls of snow, pressed them against his face, and took a long deep inhalation. He didn't exhale as he waddled into Cooper's fart cloud.

It only took a few minutes before a piece of the horizon grew darker, then the cave entrance sharpened into view. This place seemed like a barren wasteland, but with only twenty feet of visibility in any direction, they could be in the middle of a thriving metropolis for all Tim knew.

The mouth of the cave had the appearance of natural rock, but was a little too symmetrical. Tim suspected nature had had a little help. The same went for the stairs that led down inside. No one step was the same height or width as another, but they were too flat and functional to be completely nature's handiwork.

"Should we go in?" asked Julian once he, Tim, and Cooper were all under the lip of the cave. The cautious tone of his voice suggested he didn't think they should.

"Fuck yes," said Tim. It was nice to be out of the snow, but his clothes were soaked, and he was freezing. He and Julian looked up at Cooper for an opinion to tip the scale.

Cooper shut his eyes, grimaced, and stopped breathing.

Tim frowned. "Coop? You okay?"

Cooper exhaled as a jet of greenish-brown liquid shit squirted out from the bottom of his loincloth and pooled behind him like a large, circular welcome mat for Dave, who was just catching up.

Dave fell backwards in horror, then rolled out of the way as a shit-tendril flowed down an uneven section of rock toward him. "Jesus, Cooper!"

Cooper wiped some sweat off his brow. He was breathing hard. "Oh, man. Sorry if I've been short with you guys. That's been trying to get out of me since I woke up. Fucking chili."

"What do you think, Dave?" asked Julian.

"I think there's only so much you can blame on a low Charisma score."

"I meant about the cave. Do you think we should go in?"

Dave stepped carefully around the huge shit puddle. "I don't see how we have much choice. It's either go down the stairs, wander back out into the snow, or stand here and watch Cooper shit himself until we all freeze to death."

"But what if somebody lives here?" asked Julian.

Tim shivered. "Then they can tell us where the fuck here is, and how to get the fuck out of here."

"I just don't like the idea of barging into someone's home."

Tim made a show of examining the mouth of the cave. "Well, I don't see a fucking bell."

Julian peered down the stairs. "Hello?" The tremor in his voice was amplified by echoes bouncing off the cave walls.

After thirty seconds with no response, Tim looked at Julian. "Satisfied?"

"Not remotely."

"I can't take this smell anymore," said Dave. "I'm going down."

The steps hadn't been designed for dwarves or halflings. Even a tall human probably would have found them uncomfortably steep, but Tim and Dave had to descend each one like they were climbing down from a wall. Tim hoped there was something worthwhile down there, because climbing back up was going to be a bitch.

Tim knew Julian and Cooper were following by the sound of hooves clopping against rock.

"Do you really need to bring the horse?" asked Tim.

"I'm not going to leave him outside. It's cold out there."

"Why don't you just dispel it?"

"We might need him."

"How do you even get a horse to go down stairs?" asked Dave. "I read somewhere that they won't do it."

"It's a magical horse," said Julian. "It will go wherever I want it to go."

Shortly after the curvature of the staircase blocked Tim's view of the outside, it became too dark him to see. This didn't affect his rate of descent, as he was operating mostly by touch anyway, and he was following Dave, whose dwarven eyes could see in the dark, but was always slow.

The darkness didn't last long. There was light coming from deeper within the cave, faintly illuminating the rough rocky walls of the staircase.

"Do you see that?" Dave whispered.

"Of course I do," said Tim. "It's all I fucking see."

Dave scrambled down the last couple of steps. "Oh. My. God." His face was illuminated by bright white light. "You guys aren't going to believe this."

When Tim reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw something which, however briefly, brought warmth to his cold drunk heart. "It's a goddamn Christmas tree."

The centerpiece of the subterranean room was a fifteen-foot-tall conical tree in a bathtub-sized brown clay pot. It was decorated with red ball ornaments and white lights, like the 'classy' trees they have in department stores.

"Whoa!" said Julian and Cooper upon reaching the bottom of the stairs.

"Are you quite all right, sir?" asked Ravenus. "I'm sensing feelings of bedazzlement and wonder which I can't account for."

"Ravenus," Julian whispered, not taking his eyes off the tree. "Do you know what this is?"

"It's a tree, sir."

"It's more than a tree, silly bird. This is a Christmas tree."

"I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that particular species."

Julian laughed. "This is a custom from our world. That means that whoever lives here must be –"

"Welcome, gentlemen," said a fat dwarf with green overalls and a bushy white beard who had just stepped out from behind the tree to make his presence known. Tim picked up a hint of malice in his voice.

"Are you from Earth?" asked Julian excitedly.

"From where?" said the dwarf. He looked flustered. "Do you honestly not know who I am?"

Cooper's eyes widened. "Santa?"

"What? No!" The dwarf's fat little fists shook with rage. He thought for a moment. "Here. See if this jogs your memory." He lay down on the floor and writhed as if in agony. "Oh! No! It's everywhere! It's all over me! It's in my eyes and in my beard!"

Tim, Cooper, Dave, Julian, and even Ravenus glanced at each other uncomfortably until the dwarf looked up at them expectantly.

"Dave's mom?" asked Cooper.

Dave punched Cooper in the arm.

The dwarf frowned and stood up. "My name is Gabruk."

Tim shrugged. "That name doesn't ring any bells. I think you might be mistaking us for someone else."

"Oh, it's no mistake!" said Gabruk. "How's this for ringing a bell?" He reached into the front pocket of his overalls, pulled out a small brass bell, and rang it vigorously.

Tim looked at his friends, who could only offer shrugs. He turned back to Gabruk. "Good, I guess?"

"Seize them!" said Gabruk, his eyes focused on something behind them.

Tim turned around to find a giant green-skinned man, solid from the waist up, but merely a cloud of vapor where his genitals and legs should be, smiling down at him.

"Whoa!" said Julian, waving his hand through the giant's gaseous crotch.

"Please stop doing that."

Julian jerked his hand away and stepped back. "Sorry."

The floating upper-half of a green man folded his hands and bowed his head graciously as if to say all was forgiven.

"Are you some kind of air elemental?" asked Julian.

"I am djinn."

Cooper pursed his lips and scratched the back of his head. "Like that Korean dude from LOST?"

"I gave you a command, Bazuul," said Gabruk. "Seize them this instant!"

The djinn bowed his head. "If that is your wish."

"Wait! No! Stop!" Gabruk waved his hands in a panic. "That wasn't a wish. It was a command. I am your master!"

"I am beholden to you for three wishes," said Bazuul. "Nothing more. When you make the third, our bond is dissolved."

"Hang on," said Tim, glaring at Gabruk. "Did you wish us here?"

"Not exactly. I wished to confront you alone. The djinn distorted my wish, cheating me out of my third wish."

"I will not have my honor besmirched in my own home," said Bazuul. "You wanted to confront your enemies alone. This is the most isolated place in the world."

"Wait," said Tim. "How are we your enemies? Who the fuck are you? And what's with the Christmas tree?" He looked at the tree. Julian's horse was eating one of the ornaments.

"I'll tell you who I am," said Gabruk. "Two moons ago, I was but –"

Cooper raised his head and slapped his thighs. "I've got it! It all makes so much sense now."

Tim was willing to listen to any explanation he could get. "What have you got?"

Cooper looked around excitedly as everyone, including Gabruk, Bazuul, and even Julian's horse, stared expectantly at him. "Jin was the smoke monster."

Julian shook his head. "What?"

"Think about it," said Cooper. "Did you ever see those two on the island together?"

"Spoilers, man!" said Dave. "I've only seen through season two."

"Well whose fault is that? The show's, like, ten fucking years old."

"Hey! Hey!" said Tim. "Will you guys shut the fuck up about LOST? We're in a situation here." He turned to Gabruk. "Please continue."

"Two moons ago." Rage burned in Gabruk's narrowed eyes as he recounted his tale. "I was but a humble cobbler, but I had the love of a beautiful woman from a noble family. We were to be wed in secret that very night. We were nervous, as you might imagine, and decided to step into a little tavern and settle our nerves over a bottle of stonepiss."

Tim nodded. "I'm with you so far."

"On my way from the bar to our table, I slipped in a puddle of urine." Gabruk glared up at Cooper, who appeared to still be thinking about LOST. "And you! When I tried to stand up, you broke wind in my face!"

Julian stepped forward. It was Diplomacy time. "I'd like to apologize for our friend. He has a low Charisma score, and –"

"The time for apologies is past!" shouted Gabruk. "The four of you laughed as I writhed on the floor, soaked in urine and the rancid vapor of a half-orc's bowels!Tell me, do you remember me now?"

Tim shrugged. "I don't know, man. That could have been any number of nights. It sounds like we were pretty wasted."

"Felicia, the love of my life, broke off our engagement! She said I smelled like her father and she couldn't go through with it."

"Oh, man," said Tim. "That's rough… and weird."

"I would have my bride and my vengeance!" said Gabruk. "I traveled the land far and wide, seeking someone who could grant me both. Eventually, I found and captured Bazuul." He nodded up at the djinn.

Tim looked up at Bazuul. "How did an NPC cobbler manage to capture a djinn?"

Patches of pink faded into Bazuul's green cheeks. "I was drunk."

Gabruk turned and walked further into the cavern. "Would you like to meet my bride-to-be?"

Tim followed, wanting to get a better idea of his surroundings. Beyond the still-unexplained Christmas tree, the cavern was shaped like the top two thirds of a perfect sphere, carved out of solid rock. The base was lined with bookshelves, a polished wooden bar, a fireplace, and a long curving sofa, on which sat a short fat dwarven woman with a closely cropped black beard. She wore a yellow and green kimono that looked like it had been made out of someone's grandmother's curtains, and showed off her hairy cleavage.

"Felicia," said Gabruk. "Bid good day to our guests."

Felicia stood and bowed. "Friends of Gabruk the Magnificent are friends of mine."

Gabruk stood by his special lady. "These are not friends, my dearest. These are the ones who would break our bonds of love."

"Gabruk the Magnificent?" said Tim.

Gabruk looked at the floor. "The wish for her affection was very potent."

"You used up a wish on that?" asked Cooper.

Julian elbowed him. "Don't be rude!"

"What?" said Cooper. "She looks like Dom DeLuise in drag."

Felicia turned to Gabruk. "Our bonds of love can never be broken." She grabbed his arm and crotch. "Take me now, my love. I thirst for your seed!" She shoved her own face into his and slathered him in slurpy kisses.

Tim averted his gaze, which landed on Julian, who was cringing.

Cooper looked down at his crotch. "I'll never have an erection again."

"This is wrong," said Dave.

"So, so wrong," said Cooper.

"That's not what I meant. This is no better than slipping a roofie into her drink. It's unethical." He took a step toward Gabruk, but Bazuul floated into his path.

"I can allow no interference," said the djinn, "nor harm to come to my master while I am under his command."

"Ha!" said Gabruk, prying his face away from Felicia's. "That's right!" He rubbed his hands together. "Now there's the matter of my third wish. I have a bit of a dilemma, you see."

"How's that?" Tim asked distractedly. He was still trying to get the mental image of two bearded dwarves sucking face out of his head. Was that racist? Or homophobic?Both? No. It was the slurping and sucking noises that had gotten to him.

"I now have to choose between wishing myself and Felicia back home and my original plan to have you all vomit up your own internal organs until you died an agonizing death."

Julian frowned. "That seems… What's the word? …disproportionate to our –"

"Come on, man," said Tim. "So we laughed at you for slipping in piss and getting farted on. That's objectively funny."

Gabruk stomped on the floor. "You ruined my life!"

Julian put his palm out at Tim. "Please. Let me talk." He turned to Gabruk. "Think about what you just said. Take a look at your life." Diplomacy check. "You've got everything you ever wanted right there beside you. You've got the love of a… beautiful woman." Bluff check. "And you earned it. Look at the feats of greatness you've achieved in the name of love. Who are we, if not the catalyst which inspired you to achieve those feats?"

Gabruk looked at the floor, as if considering Julian's words. Tim gestured for Julian to keep talking.

"Your first wish was born of love. Don't let hate poison the well. You have one wish left. You could do or have or be anything you want. Do you really want to waste that kind of power on us?"

Gabruk looked at Julian, then at Felicia. "I… I need to think."

Tim was hoping Julian would steer his speech into a suggestion that he'd use his last wish to send them all home, but not murdering them wasn't a bad compromise. Still, if Tim was going to wind up vomiting up his internal organs, that wasn't something he wanted to do while sober.

"This is a nice place you've got here, Bazuul."

The djinn flashed a wide grin. "Thank you, halfling. I built this place ages ago. Here I can rest my body and spirit."

Tim pushed his limits of subtlety. "That's a really nice bar."

Bazuul's eyes widened suddenly, like a light bulb just went on in his head. "Say! Are you folks thirsty?"

"Fuck yes!" said Cooper.

Tim nodded eagerly. "What have you got back there."

"Wait 'till you see it!" said Bazuul, suddenly rising up from behind the bar with a silver pitcher in one hand, and a tray full of glasses in the other. "You're not going to believe it."

Tim licked his lips. "What is that?"

Bazuul set the tray down and pointed at the pitcher. It rose from the bar and poured bubbly golden liquid goodness into six tall glasses. "An invention of my own devising.The Decanter of Endless Beer."

"Brilliant," said Dave, his eyes welling up with tears. "Absolutely fucking brilliant."

Tim watched in awe as the foam rose over the rims of the glasses. "If I had three wishes, I'd use them all on this."

"I'd throw in a nut," said Cooper.

Everyone in the room, including Felicia and Gabruk, stood transfixed by the flowing beer. Even Ravenus perched, mesmerized, on the edge of the bar.

Bazuul passed full glasses to Tim, Dave, Cooper, Julian, and Felicia. "And one for the bartender."

Gabruk cleared his throat.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" said Bazuul. "Did I forget someone? Here you go, little guy." He snapped his fingers and a small glass bowl appeared in front of Ravenus. The pitcher floated over and poured beer into the bowl.

Ravenus bobbed his head. "Much obliged, sir."

Gabruk's fists started trembling at his sides again. "Of all the…Bazuul, I would like a drink as well."

Bazuul smiled at him. "Is that right? Tell me, master. Just how badly would you like that drink? Your wish is my command."

Gabruk shook his fist at the djinn. "I could wish you into oblivion!"

"Don't bother, friend," said Bazuul. "I'm about to get there on my own."

Gabruk's anger was short-lived. He turned to Felicia. "My dear, would you mind giving me your beer?"

Felicia handed over her glass. "Anything for you, my dearest love."

Gabruk grinned, raised the glass to Bazuul, and began to pour the contents into his mouth.

Bazuul snapped his fingers, and Gabruk spat out a mouthful of what appeared to be salt. He hacked and coughed and spat out more of the white granules.

Tim licked the tip of his finger, and touched the bar where some of the granules had landed, then tasted it. Definitely salt. It was almost too cruel.

"WATER!"Gabruk rasped.

"I'm afraid I don't have any water on hand, master," said Bazuul. "But if you wish, I'm sure I can conjure some up."

"Brraaaaauuuuugggghhh!" said Gabruk, flinging down the glass of salt as hard as he could.

The glass didn't hit the floor. It floated up and over the bar, right into Bazuul's hand.

"Be careful, master. This is glass."

Gabruk stomped around in a little circle, his face turning beet red as he tried to spit more salt out of his dry mouth. Suddenly, he stopped and looked past the Christmas tree. "Snow!"

He ran past the tree. Julian's magical horse whinnied as Gabruk shoved his way past it.

The beer was delightful. Light and refreshing, it was the kind of beer Tim could drink all afternoon, getting steadily buzzed, but without getting drunk enough to start texting ex-girlfriends. It was the perfect beer, and this big green fucker had an infinite supply.

"I've gotta know," said Tim about halfway into his third glass. "What's with the Christmas tree?"

Bazuul furrowed his brow and looked at the tree, then back at Tim. "Do you mean the pukka pukka tree?"

"What the pukka pukka are you talking about? I mean that big-ass tree right there, with the lights and red ornaments."

"Those are pukka pukka nuts."

"Get outta town. Are you fucking with me?"

"See for yourself." Bazuul pointed his palm at the tree. One of the ornaments flew from the tree into his waiting hand.He gave it a gentle squeeze until it cracked. He lay the two halves on the bar, revealing a thick, light-brown layer under the shell, glistening with liquid of the same color.

"Well I'll be a motherfucker," said Tim. "Is that edible?"

"It's delicious!" said Bazuul. "Here, try some." A silver spoon popped into existence on the bar in front of Tim.

Tim scraped some of the nut meat out with the spoon and put it in his mouth. The djinn had not steered him wrong. It was like a mix between chocolate and coconut.

"That's fantastic!" said Tim. "Can I have some more beer?"

"Of course," said Bazuul. When his back was turned, Tim slipped the spoon into his vest's inner pocket.

Bazuul held the pitcher over Tim's glass, but didn't pour. When Tim looked up, the djinn was frowning down at him.

"Sorry," said Tim. He reached into his pocket, but the spoon wasn't there. Panicked, he looked up. Bazuul was holding the spoon. He tapped Tim lightly on the forehead with it and poured the beer.

"That explains the ornaments," said Julian. "But what about the lights?"

"I wouldn't recommend eating those," said Bazuul. "They are enchanted stones."

Julian nodded. "I understand that much. But why did you decorate the tree with them?"

"That they are decorative comes secondary to them being necessary for the life of the tree. I live in a cave, if you haven't noticed. The pukka pukka tree is tropical, and requires much light."

Now that Tim thought about it, the answer seemed so obvious as to make the question sound stupid.

"I must say," said Bazuul. He had forgone the use of his glass, and was now drinking straight out of the Decanter of Endless Beer. "I built this place as a means to get away from everyone, but it's nice to have some company." He slammed the decanter on the bar. "I like you guys!"

"I like you, too," said Julian. He raised his glass. "Salut!"

Tim and Cooper clicked their glasses against Julian's "Salut!"

Dave wasn't so enthused. He ignored them and grumpily sipped his beer.

Bazuul smiled at their strange custom. "Salut!" he shouted, and smashed the decanter into their glasses, destroying them utterly. "Sorry about that."

He raised his hand over the bar, pointing down toward the mess. His fingers twisted around each other, which looked extremely painful for a split-second, until his hand turned into a miniature whirlwind at the end of his arm. He lowered it onto the bar, sweeping up all of the beer, broken glass, and the salt he hadn't bothered cleaning up before. He lowered his swirling hand under the bar. When he raised it again, it was a normal hand, holding a tray with three new glasses.

Tim, Julian, and Cooper applauded while Bazuul filled their new glasses.

While Tim sucked the foam off the top of his fresh glass, Bazuul waved one hand over the other, producing four more silver spoons spread out like a fan. "Can I offer you good people a taste of the pukka puk—"

"Whaaaa!" cried Gabruk from what must have been close to the top of the cavern stairs. "Oh! Ooh! Ah! Eee! Ugh! Oh! Ow! Ugh! Ooooh!" Each exclamation was nearer than the last. The final one sounded like it was just beyond the pukka pukka tree. "Oh, my head. I'm okay." His breathing was labored. "I'm okay. I just need a moment to –"

*NEIGH!*

*THUNK!*

"Oomph!"

*SMACK!*

Thud.

Silence.

Julian's face turned pale. "Oh no." He, Cooper, and Tim hurried around the tree with Dave waddling behind.

"Fuck," said Tim. The scene didn't leave a whole lot to the imagination. Gabruk sat on the floor against the wall, his head slumped forward. His chest was caved in with a hole about the size of a hoof, and there was a splatter of blood on the wall, smearing down from where the back of the dwarf's head hit the wall down to where he now sat.

Julian pulled on his ears. "Everybody knows you're not supposed to stand behind a horse. They spook easily!"

Tim glared at him. "Just get the goddamn horse out of –" The horse disappeared. "What happened? Did I do that?"

Julian shook his head. "The spell duration timed out."

"Thanks, horse," said Tim. "Perfect timing, asshole. Dave! Where the hell are –"

"I'm right here!" Dave put his palm on the top of Gabruk's head. "I heal thee. I heal thee!" He shook his head. "Sorry, guys. He's gone."

Felicia started screaming from back near the bar. Her voice was fast and excited, and clearly very upset, but she was too far away for Tim to be able to make out what she was saying.

Julian shivered in spite of the sweat beading on his brow. "What are we going to tell Felicia?" he whispered. "I just killed her fiancé!"

"It's not all your fault," said Dave.

"That's right," said Cooper. "Dave fucked up his healing spell too."

Dave glared up at Cooper. "I was talking about you, asshole. Look at his boot."

Cooper looked down at Julian's boots. "Um… Sweet boots, Julian. What are those? Deer leather?"

"Not Julian's!" said Dave. "Look at Gabruk's boot. Recognize anything?" Everyone looked at Gabruk's boots. The bottom of his left boot was smeared with greenish-brown shit. "He slipped in your shit-puddle. That's what sent him bouncing down the stairs."

Felicia's screaming subsided as suddenly as it had started.

Tim patted down Gabruk's pockets. "Man, he'd be pissed to know that's what did him in."

"What are you doing?" asked Julian.

"I'm looting his corpse."

"Doesn't that seem… I don't know… kind of –"

"This is Caverns and Creatures. That's just what you do when someone dies." He pulled a small brass bell out of the front pocket of the dead dwarf's overalls. "Three wishes, and he doesn't have a goddamn cent on him." He pocketed the bell.

"May I have his eyes, then?" asked Ravenus, perched on a branch of the pukka pukka tree.

"No!" snapped Julian.

They walked back around the tree as solemnly as if they were walking toward their own executions.

Felicia was passed out on the floor.

Bazuul grinned at them from behind the bar. "Why so glum, chums?"

Julian stepped forward. "I'm sorry. Gabruk–"

"—took a nasty tumble down the stairs," said Dave. "I patched him up. He'll be okay, but he's going to take a little nap for a while."

"Super!" said Bazuul. "Who's up for another round?"

"We are!" said Dave, more enthusiastically than he'd ever said anything as long as Tim had known him.

"Dude," said Tim out of the corner of his mouth. "Now may not be the best time –"

"I have an idea," said Dave, less convincingly, out of the corner of his mouth.

Bazuul didn't seem to pick up on their secret conversation. He lined up their glasses and spilled beer into them, as well as all over the bar.

"Hey!" said Dave, once the beers had been poured. "You know what I'd like to see right now?"

"Your mom's hairy balls?" suggested Cooper.

Bazuul sprayed the whole bar with beer from his nose and mouth.

Dave sucked in his pride and continued. "I'd like to see Bazuul and Cooper arm-wrestle. Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah," said Tim.

"Woo-hoo," said Julian.

Bazuul flexed his huge arms. "What do you say, half-orc?"

"Uh… sure." Cooper put his elbow on the bar and held open his hand.

As soon as Bazuul locked hands with Cooper, Dave grabbed Julian's arm, pulled him down, and started feverishly whispering in his ear.

When Dave had said what he had to say, Julian straightened up. "I don't think that's going to work. I mean, he's drunk, but he's not that drunk."

"He might be!"

"Excuse me, Mr. Bazuul?" said Julian.

Bazuul and Cooper were surprisingly evenly matched, their joined hands trembling above the bar.

"Yes?" said Bazuul. His voice was strained.

"What happened to Felicia?"

"She… had… some kind of… panic attack." The tendons in Bazuul's neck were taut as he spoke. "'Where am I? Who are you? Why am I wearing this?' Crazy drunk talk. She's kind of a lightweight for a dwarf. I cast a Sleep spell on her."

Dave pulled Julian down to his level again. "He doesn't even understand why Felicia snapped out of her trance. He is that drunk!"

"I'm… really… angry!" said Cooper. His body hulked out in Barbarian Rage, and the tide of arm-battle started to swing his way.

"That's cheating!" said Bazuul.

"No, it isn't!"

"Then neither is this!" Bazuul's arm morphed into a gigantic black tentacle, with which he threw Cooper into the pukka pukka tree, knocking the whole thing over and revealing the dead dwarf.

"Ow!" cried Cooper, struggling in the branches. "Fuck, that hurt!"

Dave looked up at Julian. "Hurry up!"

"Ventriloquism," Julian whispered. He cleared his throat and cupped his hand around the side of his mouth. When he spoke next, in a pretty terrible Gabruk impersonation, his voice came from Gabruk's dead body. "Oh, Bazuul! I'm ready to make my third wish!"

Bazuul floated over the bar and toward Gabruk's body. "Very well, master. State your wish. Try to make it an easy one. I've had a lot to drink."

"I wish to be alive!"

Bazuul rubbed his chin. "Hmph. I think that's a first for me. There's something weird about that, but I can't quite put my finger on… Ah, whatever. A wish is a wish." He snapped his fingers. "Your wish is granted!"

Gabruk's sternum crunched back into shape and the hoof dent disappeared as he raised his head and sucked in a deep, wheezy breath of air. As he exhaled, his head slumped forward again, but his chest was moving. He was alive, but unconscious.

Bazuul shrugged. "He wished to be alive, not awake." He began to rummage through Gabruk's pockets while Dave and Julian returned to their drinks. Coming up empty, he searched more frantically.

Tim didn't know why a djinn, who could conjure up anything he wanted with the snap of his fingers, was so hell-bent on squeezing every last copper piece out of a dwarf's clothes, but he admired his thoroughness. When Bazuul magicked Gabruk's clothes off and started shaking them vigorously, leaving the unconscious dwarf naked on the floor, Tim decided enough was enough.

"Don't bother, man," he said, taking the bell out of his pocket. "I cleaned him out earlier. He didn't have anything on him but this stupid bell." He gave it a little jingle.

Bazuul turned around and looked at Tim like he was made of spiders. "No!"

"What's wrong?" said Tim. "What'd I do?"

The djinn narrowed his eyes, then smiled. "Nothing. I was thinking of something else. It's the drink. Let's carry on then, shall we?"

Tim shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

"I'll admit when I'm wrong," Julian said to Dave. "That was a good idea you had. Cheers." He raised his glass.

"Hmph," said Dave, abandoning his fake enthusiasm. He listlessly clinked his glass against Julian's. "Cheers."

"What's wrong with you, man? I was paying you a compliment."

"I know. I'm sorry." Dave gulped back the last of his beer. "I'm a dwarf. This stuff might as well be water. I wish we were drinking stonepiss."

Bazuul grinned in a way that made the hairs on the back of Tim's neck stand up. "Your wish is granted. You were drinking stonepiss." He snapped his fingers.

Tim's stomach began to churn. "What? What's going on?" Thoughts raced around inside his booze-addled brain. The bell binds the djinn? I rang the bell. Why did Dave get a wish? Holy shit! All that beer I drank is turning into hard liquor inside me. He knew he didn't have much time to present an argument, and that Bazuul wasn't likely to care, but he had to try. "Subjunctive!" he cried. "SUBJUNCTIVE! SUB-BLAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHH" Vomit spewed out of him like his mouth was a busted fire hydrant.

Julian was next, followed by Cooper. The three of them hosed down everything in sight with puke you could fuel a jet with.

"Hey guys," said Dave. "Maybe you should take it easy on the *hiccup* sauce."

Tim wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but it came out as "BLAAUUUURRRRGGGGHHH". Julian and Cooper offered similar retorts.

When Tim's guts had given all they had to give, a wave of darkness washed over him, from which he feared he may never return.


Tim returned, but immediately wished he hadn't. He woke up with a headache he wouldn't wish on Hitler. Every heartbeat pounded inside his head like one of those big-ass marching band drums. And then there was the sucking and slurping, like two dire slugs fucking inside his ear canal.

"What the fuck is that noise?" said Tim, opening his eyes. Two hairy beasts were wrestling on the sofa, one with red hair and the other with black. No, that wasn't quite right. It was Dave and Felicia, and they were naked.

"Oh my god." Tim turned away and tried to throw up. He was past empty. He heaved and heaved, but not even a tendril of spit escaped his lips. "Dave!" he groaned. "What the fuck did you do?"

"How about some privacy, huh?" said Dave, and resumed his walrus mating ritual.

How long had Tim been out? He looked around for something to anchor his mind. Cooper and Julian were still passed out on the floor. Julian's foot was close enough to grab without moving, so Tim gave it a wiggle.

"Julian? Julian, are you okay?"

"Please don't do that, sir," said Ravenus from up on top of the bar. "My master doesn't feel well." He staggered to the edge of the bar. "Rise and shine, sir. We must get you hydrat—" He fell off the bar like a bag of rocks.

"Nnnngggg," said Julian, then resumed sleeping. He was alive. That was good enough.

Now to check on Cooper. Tim couldn't risk looking at Cooper without getting Dave and Felicia in this field of vision, so he – Dave and Felicia. How did…? He didn't! He did.

"Dave, you selfish son of a bitch!"

Dave stopped slurping. "What?"

"You used another wish, didn't you? On that fucking she-bear!"

"Hey, man. Watch your mouth. I'm a dwarf now. I don't subscribe to the same ideals of beauty as you do."

"Don't get on your fucking soapbox with me. What about that sermon you gave Gabruk? You just mind-roofied his girl right after he did."

"Uh-uh," said Dave. "This is different. She loves me, and I love her."

"Are you even listening to yourself? She doesn't love you. She's just in another wish trance, and you're drunk as fuck."

"I'm telling you, man. I didn't use a wish!"

"Bullshit," said Tim, pulling the bell out of his pocket. "I'll settle this right now.Bazuul!" He rang the bell.

"Unnnnnggggghhhh," said Cooper. "My head! Knock that shit off."

"Hello, master," said Bazuul, who appeared above Tim. His tone was different somehow, more businesslike. "And how are we feeling this morning?"

"Like shit," said Tim. "Hey, listen. Dave claims he didn't use a wish to get in Felicia's pants over there, and I claim he's a fucking liar. Can you tell us who's right?"

"Of course I can," said Bazuul. He raised his eyebrows. "Do you wish to know the answer?"

"Why the fuck would I have asked the question if I didn't want to – Hang on a minute. Are you trying to trick me into blowing our last wish?"

Bazuul raised his palms innocently. "No trickery intended. I was simply stating the terms of the bargain. You may have the truth, but it will cost you a wish."

Tim sat up. "It's just a question, dude. When did you turn into a huge dick? I thought we were cool."

"I thought so, too," said Bazuul. "Right up until you decided to enslave me."

"Listen, dude. I didn't know about the bell! Oh, and that reminds me. Why does Dave get to make wishes when I'm the one who jingled the bell?"

Bazuul folded his arms. "You all had your parts to play in the ruse, and so you may split the three wishes among yourselves however you see fit."

"What ruse?"

"It was very clever, I'll grant you that. The half-orc defecates all over the top of the stairs, providing a nice frozen, slippery surface. The sorcerer's horse is conveniently left at the bottom of the stairs. The dwarf gets me good and drunk."

"You offered us the beer!"

"And the sneaky rogue swipes the bell away. Tell me, Tim. How long have you been planning this?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? The four of us couldn't plan a goddamn barbecue without winding up on eight different terrorist watch lists. Do you realize how much planning what you're proposing would take? Do we look like criminal masterminds to you?"

"Your bumbling idiots act is all part of the ruse. It is very convincing."

"It's no act, friend. We are the genuine article. Think about this. If we're so smart, why would we blow our first wish nearly killing ourselves with alcohol poisoning?"

"Even geniuses make the occasional mistake. I merely took advantage of your friend's slip of the tongue."

"Speaking of slippin' the tongue," said Tim. "How about our second wish? You think the four of us all cooked up this master plan so that Dave could fuck Paul Prudhomme on your sofa?"

"I'm warning you, Tim!" said Dave. "One more crack about Felicia, and I'll come over there and kick your ass!"

"Yeah, just put some clothes on first."

"Sir!" said Ravenus, hopping on Julian's chest. "You'd better wake up, sir. I don't understand exactly what's going on, but there could be trouble afoot."

"Jesus," said Cooper. "Could somebody shut that fucking bird up? I'm trying to sleep."

"Felicia!" cried Gabruk, having finally woken up. He either didn't realize he was still naked, or he didn't care. He had enough body hair so that it almost didn't matter. The tip of his dick was barely visible, peeking out from the thick salt-and-pepper crotch forest of pubes. "What have they done to you, my love?"

Tim sighed. "Fuck."

"I'll never love you, Gabruk!" said Felicia. "Not after what you've done to me!"

"Whatever they told you, my dear, it's a damned lie!"

"Is it?" asked Dave. "Explain how she got here, then, if not for you wishing her here and dressing her up like your own personal whore!"

"At least when she was my whore, she was dressed!"

Tim and Bazuul exchanged a glance and a grimace.

Dave's helmet flew across the room and hit Gabruk in the chest. Tim wasn't sure whether it was Dave or Felicia who threw it, but it pushed the confrontation from run-of-the-mill drunk, naked, fat people fighting to full on Jerry Springer.

"I'll kill you!" shouted Gabruk, nakedly waddle-running between Tim andBazuul. He tackled and straddled Dave's nakedness, and they tried to strangle each other while Felicia nakedly pulled Gabruk's hair.

"Didn't you say you aren't allowed to let harm come to those who command you?" Tim asked Bazuul.

Bazuul shrugged. "I removed all of your weapons when you arrived. I don't foresee any serious harm coming to Dave. Are you honestly telling me you don't want to watch this?"

"Not at all," said Tim. "In fact, do you know what might make it even better?"

Bazuul looked at Tim inquisitively.

"Throw a Grease spell on the floor."

"Hmm…"Bazuul nodded slowly. "I think I like where this is going." He snapped his fingers.

Felicia's feet slipped out from under her, and all of her weight came down on Gabruk, who found himself sandwiched between his rival and his former lover.

"Get off of me!" Dave croaked as he toppled the sandwich, sending Felicia across the floor on her belly like a fat hairy penguin on a Slip 'N Slide.

Bazuul looked down at Tim. "Would you like to… um… grab a beer maybe?"

Tim smiled. "You bet your green smoky ass I would."

Ravenus pecked frantically on Julian's chest. "Please wake up, sir! I have no idea what's going on, and I'm terribly frightened."

"For fuck's sake!" groaned Cooper. "I wish someone…"

Tim's heart skipped a beat. "Cooper, no!"

"…would tell that fucking bird…"

"Shut up! Shut up!" There was no choice. It was act now or risk being stuck here forever. "I wish we…"

"…to shut…"

"…were all back…"

"…the fuck…"

"…at the Whore's…"

It was a photo finish as to whether Cooper said "up" first or Tim said "Head". Tim looked at Ravenus, who was now flapping and hopping more frantically than ever, now that no sound was coming out of his mouth.

"Oh no!" Tim looked around at what might be the only home he would know for the rest of his life, and the people he'd have to spend it with. Dave and Gabruk were on their knees in a glistening grapple stalemate. Felicia was sobbing nakedly on the floor. With Ravenus silenced, Cooper rolled over and farted himself back to sleep. Julian was still out cold.

"I'm sorry," said Bazuul. "I'm going to miss you, Tim."

Tim looked up at the teary-eyed djinn. "What do you mean?"

"Your friend spoke the truth. Felicia was drunk, and sought some measure of vengeance on Gabruk. Or maybe she just wanted to make him jealous. No wish was involved."

"Then that means…" Tim saw Bazuul's hand raised, fingers about to snap. He lunged onto the bar and hugged the Decanter of Endless Beer.

The next thing he knew, he was back in the Whore's Head Inn, his arms wrapped around a splintery wooden table leg instead of a silver pitcher of infinite beer. Ah well, he'd tried.

"Jesus, Dave!" cried Tony the Elf. "Get off me! Why are you naked… and slimy?"

Tim stood up and confirmed that Julian and Cooper had both arrived as well. They were still sound asleep on the floor, as if nothing had happened. Maybe nothing had. Maybe it had all been a bad dream.

Tim sighed, slipped his hands into his pockets, and nearly had a heart attack when he felt something long and metallic in one of them.

The bell! Bazuul forgot to take it. Tim had a second chance. He could do it all over again, making real wishes this time. He could wish himself and all of his friends back to Earth, back in their real bodies.

He nervously pulled the item out of his pocket, and discovered it wasn't a bell at all. It was the silver spoon Bazuul had provided him with to taste the pukka pukka nut.

Tim smiled at the spoon. "Well played, friend. Well played."