Tim didn't need to be able to turn around to recognize Cooper's ass answering the croak. The intensity of the smell, the look on frog-guy's face, and the accompanying wet splatter told Tim that Cooper had let out more than just a legendary fart, and that he'd done so on this guy's beloved dire bear skin rug.

Tears glistened in the creature's bulging eyes as it stared in stunned silence at Cooper.

"We're so fucked," said Dave.

Cooper squeaked out one more after-fart. "That was just what I needed. I'm feeling one hundred percent again."

In a shocking display of acrobatics for something which appeared to have a Jabba-like physique, the frog monster leaped over their heads. It landed behind Cooper, careful to plant its webbed feet on either side of the belladonna berry studded shit puddle. Eyes bulging now even more than they had been, the creature drew back its wide lips, revealing purple gums and pointed yellow teeth, which it sank into Cooper's shoulder.

"Yeeeeeeeooooooowww!" Cooper screamed in agony, which was understandable considering the circumstances. Then he went cross-eyed and followed it up with a cry of, "YOOOOOOOOOOO!", which Tim found to be somewhat less conventional.

"Magic Missile!" cried Julian, and a golden arrow of magical energy flew out of his palm, striking their host in the side of his fat rubbery neck.

Tim shook off the residual effects of the frog monster's stunning croak, cocked his crossbow, and looked for an opening.

"I'm really angry!" shouted Cooper. Normally, it was just a phrase he used to trigger his Barbarian Rage, but his tone suggested this time it was also a genuine statement of his current feelings. His muscles inflated until he was as big as his assailant. He reached back and grabbed the frog monster's head with both hands, pulled him over his shoulder, and body slammed him right into his shit puddle.

Tim now had the opening he'd been looking for. He pulled the trigger on his crossbow, planting a bolt in the frog monster's belly and adding injury to insult.

Dave came down hard with his mace, but the frog monster rolled out of the way. He returned the attack with a half-orc shit covered fist to the side of Dave's face, then hopped over the horses to the mouth of the cave.

"We've got him on the ropes," said Tim. "Julian, get rid of those horses."

Julian snapped his fingers twice, and his magically summoned horses winked out of existence, leaving their host nothing to hide behind.

The frog monster was bloodied and bruised. His entire right arm was slathered in Cooper shit, all the way down to his fingertips. He'd seen better days for sure, but he didn't appear to be at death's door just yet.

"Everybody be cool," said Julian. "We can talk this out."

Cooper stomped toward the frog monster, still in his Rage, and not looking very interested in conversation.

Froggy didn't appear to be up for a chat either. At least, not with them. He was hurriedly mumbling something to himself, like he was trying to get his thoughts sorted out before Cooper got there and beat the shit out of him.

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "Get out of the way! He's casting a –"

Tim raised his arm to shield his face from whatever was coming. He was anticipating the whole cavern to be lit up in flames or lightning bolts or horses. He would have had to use up a lot of guesses before he predicted a second frog monster, naked and furiously rubbing its genital area with both hands, to appear on the dire bear rug.

Cooper halted his advance, and his body shrank to its normal size as he backed away. Even the frog monster looked surprised at what he'd summoned.

But perhaps no one was more surprised than the newest guest to the party. It kept its hands where they were, but flattened them, as if now more concerned with modesty than pleasure. It looked at Cooper, then at Dave, then at Julian and Tim. Finally he looked back up at the cave's inhabitant.

"Glafblar worgflum sclubly frit?"

"Why have you summoned me here?" Julian resumed the translation. "I was in the middle of something."

"These creatures invaded my home. I require your assistance in killing them."

"Fuck you! I'm not even dressed."

"You can wear my robe."

"I'm not wearing that. It's got shit all over it!"

"So does my rug. The half-orc shat on it!"

The naked frog monster looked at the shit puddle on the rug, laughed, then resumed croaking in their horrible language.

While the two frog monsters were engaged in their heated argument, Tim's saw a potential, albeit slim, chance to escape. He gestured for the others to come to him.

As Julian, Dave, and Cooper approached, Tim kept his eyes on the red creatures, who were so involved in their bickering that they didn't even glance his way. When everyone was close enough, Tim pointed a thumb back at the tunnels. The others nodded, and they all started backing toward the one on the right.

Naturally, Tim hoped they would find a back door to this home, through which they could escape. He realized that the odds of that being the case weren't great, but the tunnel might lead to something that could help them. Maybe they'd find a place to hide, and sneak out later while the creatures were asleep. Maybe they'd find some badass weapons, or something with which Tim could construct a trap of some sort. Maybe they'd just find a dead end, but anything was better than waiting around for those two amphibious assholes to murder them.

They had inched about twenty feet into the tunnel by the time they felt confident enough to turn around and walk normally. Shortly after that, the frog monster argument faded away.

"Light," Julian whispered when it became too dark to see. Light illuminated the tunnel, coming from a copper coin in his hand. After cupping his other hand over it so that the light wouldn't be too bright, he opened it back up enough to let some light shine on Cooper's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Cooper shook his head.

"Do you need Dave to heal your shoulder?"

"It's not my shoulder that needs healing," said Cooper. "I've been... violated."

Tim pulled out his flask in the fear that Cooper was going to elaborate.

"I don't understand," said Dave. "Did it feel like more of a kiss than a bite or something?"

"I'm not talking about the bite, dumbshit. He shoved his finger up my asshole."

That was exactly where Tim feared this conversation was headed. He knew that puddle wasn't big enough to coat the creature's entire arm like that.

Unsurprisingly, no one jumped at the opportunity to follow up on Cooper's revelation. The awkward silence which followed was broken by someone else. Ahead of them, not too far up the tunnel, someone groaned.

"Who is that?" asked Julian.

Tim swallowed hard. "I only hope it's a who." Relieved as he was to have a distraction from the conversation about Cooper's ass fingering, he didn't want to have to face any undead.

"Maybe we should just hang out here," said Dave.

Tim shook his head. "That won't do us any good. If there's something to fight down here, I'd rather face it alone than be sandwiched between it and those frog fuckers."

"Do they not have names?" asked Julian.

"How the fuck should I know? We weren't properly introduced."

"I wasn't talking about individual names. I meant a name for their race. Are they called frog fuckers in the books?"

"No," said Dave. "I think I know what they are, but I can't remember the name. It's something like salad."

Julian frowned. "There's seriously a monster in this game called salad?"

"I didn't say they were called salad," said Dave. "I said something like salad. I'm trying to remember. Saald, saladi, slaa–"

"Saladin!" said Cooper, a little too excitedly.

Tim smiled. "Nice try, Coop. You're thinking of the wrong game. Saladin is one of the world leaders you can play in Civ."

"Is someone there?" said the groaning voice. It didn't sound like a malevolent undead voice. Strangely, it sounded sort of familiar.

With Cooper taking the lead, his greataxe held ready but not necessarily threateningly, they proceeded cautiously down the tunnel until it opened up into a small round chamber. The air was stagnant this far back. It smelled like a nursing home in a swamp.

Instead of being full of gold, or hookers, or magical weapons with bonuses against frog monsters, it was bereft of anything except an old bearded man, tied up and half dead on the floor.

The old man raised his head and looked at Tim. "Help... me."

Suddenly, the face and the voice connected in Tim's mind. "Koestner the Healer?"

"I... remember you," said Koestner. "How did you... find me?"

Tim looked at his feet. "That was, um... a coincidence."

"Blessed be the gods! They've sent you here to... rescue me."

"Yes!" said Tim, relieved to be able to avoid a conversation about statistical improbability. "That was probably it."

"Czessaar, the inhabitant of this cave, captured me while I was... harvesting belladonna. I feared he would eat me. But he had more sinister plans in mind."

"His name is Caesar?" asked Julian.

"Czessaar," Koestner corrected him.

"Caesar Salad?"

Tim nudged Julian, then looked down at Koestner. "What did he do to you?"

"He inserted his finger... into my –"

"Stop right there," said Cooper. "It's his kink. Motherfucker did the same thing to me."

"Then you are in... grave danger," said Koestner. "For you may have become... infected as I have."

Cooper reached up under his loincloth and gave his ass a good scratch. "Goddammit. Am I going to get fucking frog AIDS?"

"Let us hurry to a cleric. I fear my time... is almost up."

Julian snorted out a laugh, then looked very guilty about it. "I'm sorry. He said lettuce."

"I'm a cleric," said Dave while Tim untied the ropes binding Koestner's hands behind his back.

Koestner sat up and rubbed the circulation back into his wrists. "The gods are good indeed! Please, dwarf. May the power of the gods flow through you and remove my disease."

"That's a third level spell," said Dave. "I've got a Cure Light Wounds, if that helps."

Koestner frowned. "I'm afraid my disease has... progressed beyond your ability to treat it. We must make haste to Cardinia."

"There's a problem with that," said Julian as he helped the old healer to his feet. "Czessaar summoned himself a friend. There's two of those things out there now."

"Their kind has... no friends," said Koestner. "They can summon each other when... desperate enough, but they're as likely to bicker... amongst themselves as they are to... cooperate and fight against a... common enemy."

Julian nodded. "That matches up pretty well with our experience so far."

"The summoned one will... return from whence it came in an... hour's time."

"How long ago did Czessaar summon..." Julian paused for a moment. "Potato?"

Tim frowned. "It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes."

"I have... no time to waste," said Koestner. "You must confront them both, and we must... leave for Cardinia at once."

"Fuck that," said Tim. "Another forty-five minutes isn't going to kill you."

Koestner groaned. "I fear it may."

"Let's sneak back up there and check it out," said Julian. "Who knows? Maybe the argument escalated and they've killed each other by now."

"Good thinking," said Dave. "Or maybe they settled their differences and went down the other tunnel for some make-up sex."

The conversation came to a conspicuous halt as everyone stared at Dave.

"What?"

"What the fuck, Dave?" said Cooper.

"Who wants that image in their minds?" asked Julian. "Why couldn't they be going on a picnic together or something?"

"My suggestion was every bit as valid as yours."

"I'm afraid it was not," said Koestner. "For their kind do not... copulate as we do."

Cooper scratched his ass some more. "Do they all have that weird ass-fingering fetish?"

"You're one to talk," said Tim. "You can't keep your fingers away from your ass for five minutes."

"I'm sorry. I've got an itch. It's too deep to scratch properly."

Koestner doubled over in pain. "We must go now!"

"Keep your voice down," said Tim. "I'll go scout ahead."

The pleading look on Koestner's face suggested that he didn't want to wait, but he nodded.

Tim took Julian's glowing coin and ran as fast and quietly as he could, cupping his hands around the coin to let out only as much light as he needed to see where he was going. He slowed down as he heard the two salad monsters shouting at each other. He didn't know what they were saying, but they seemed even angrier than they had been before.

Sudden interruptions punctuated their speech, which Tim hoped meant that their quarrel had escalated beyond mere words.

When the light from the cave entrance and the hole in the ceiling was sufficient, Tim pocketed the coin. They were making so much noise that he didn't bother trying to be too stealthy, but he stayed close to the wall to stay out of sight as much as he could.

The fight had indeed come to blows. The two creatures clawed wildly at each other, tearing deep gashes into each other's flesh. Caesar's shit robe was torn to shreds, barely hanging onto his body. Potato's naked red flesh looked almost as bad. Their blood, thin and brown like Balsamic dressing, was splattered all over the cavern's floor and walls.

Caesar lunged at Potato, his mouth wide open as he went for the throat. Potato ducked and grabbed Caesar by the ankle, tripping him. With a furious croak, Potato grabbed Caesar by the right thigh and the back of his neck, and lifted him over his head. He struggled the few steps to the cave entrance and tossed Caesar out.

Caesar's final croak started loud, but faded quickly until it stopped very abruptly.

Potato hunched over, bloody and exhausted. It was a hard-earned victory.

Tim thought that one well-placed Sneak Attack might be all it took to put down this crouton-shitting motherfucker for good, and wondered if he'd get full Experience Points for the kill. Slowly and carefully, he loaded a bolt into his crossbow and pulled it back.

When it clicked into place, he might as well have set off fireworks in a shipping container. Either the acoustics of this particular spot were astoundingly well-suited to transmitting sound waves or, more likely, he'd rolled a natural 1 on a Stealth check. Either way, the crossbow's click went bouncing all over the walls of the goddamn cavern.

Potato whirled around, still catching his breath and still bleeding. But his wounds seemed a little shallower than they had been just a minute ago.

Tim had some doubt now as to whether a single bolt might finish him off. Certainly not now that he'd been spotted and wouldn't get his Sneak Attack bonus to damage. He cautiously took a step back, prepared to shoot, run, and scream.

But Potato's froggy eyes didn't look angry. He flicked out hit tongue a few times, then sat down on a large flat rock next to the wall.

"Flub grub," he said, gesturing at Tim's rope, still hanging from the hole in the ceiling.

Tim lowered his crossbow and bowed his head slightly. "Flub grub."

Potato croaked out a small laugh, which bothered Tim more than it should have.

Tim backed into the tunnel until he lost sight of Potato, then pulled the glowing coin out of his pocket and began running back to his friends. After he'd been running for some time, the light suddenly went out.

Stonepiss, inertia, and the distraction of sudden blindness made a lousy cocktail. Tim misjudged the upcoming curve and smacked his face against the wall.

"Son of a bitch!" He pulled out his flask, swallowed back some stonepiss, then poured a little onto the scrapes on his nose, eyebrow, and cheek. It stung.

"Tim?" Julian's voice echoed down the tunnel. It didn't sound too far away. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Tim snapped back. "No thanks to your shitty coin."

Tim's visibility returned as soft white light rounded the bend in the tunnel. Julian and Dave led the way. Cooper followed with the gait of someone walking while clenching their ass cheeks. Koestner rode piggyback. Tim couldn't tell if the poor old bastard was alive or dead.

Julian held up a second glowing coin and winced at the sight of Tim's face. "Sorry about that. Light is a Zero Level spell, so the duration isn't so long. So what's up with the two salad monsters?"

"One salad monster," Tim corrected him. "Potato chucked Caesar off the cliff. Then he spotted me and indicated that we're free to leave."

"That's strange," said Dave. "He seemed pretty prone to violence."

Tim stood up and had another sip from his flask. "It makes sense when you think about it from the point of an extremely spiteful person. This isn't his home. He resented being summoned. Letting us go is just one more Fuck you to the guy who spoiled his wank time."

Dave nodded. "Still, we should hurry before he changes his mind."

"Agreed."

"What was that clicking noise I heard a few minutes ago?" asked Cooper.

Tim glared down at his crossbow. "Shitty roll."

When they reached the main chamber, Potato hadn't moved from where he'd been sitting when Tim left him. He looked up at them, but remained where he was.

"Just be cool," Tim whispered. "Don't make any sudden moves, but be ready to fight if you have to."

The corners of Potato's wide lips stretched back, like he was amused at how cautiously they were inching toward the rope. He waved a webbed hand at them. "Flub grub."

Tim folded his hands and bowed. "Flub grub." This elicited another croaking chuckle from Potato, and this time also from Julian.

"What's so goddamn funny about that?" asked Tim. "Am I saying it wrong?"

"First of all, your accent is ridiculous," said Julian. "You need more of a belch in it."

Tim sucked in some air and tried belching out the words again. "Flub grub."

Potato laughed again.

"Fuck you, frog!"

"That was better," said Julian.

"Then why's he still laughing?"

"Because you just told him that he and his friends are free to leave."

"Well how the fuck was I supposed to know what it meant? I thought he was saying hello or peace or some shit."

Cooper set Koestner down on the rug. The poor old bastard was asleep and barely breathing.

"He's going to die if we don't get him to a cleric really soon," said Dave.

Tim nodded. "Same plan as before. I'll go up first and make sure the rope is secure enough for Julian. Once Julian gets up there, he can summon a horse for us to anchor the rope to so that we can get everyone else –"

"YAAAAAAAA!" Koestner moaned, his eyes suddenly wide open. Then his head tilted to the side. His eyes remained open, but there was no longer any life left in them.

"Shit," said Tim. "We lost Koestner."

"His heart's still beating," said Cooper.

Tim looked at the old healer's chest. There was definitely some movement going on under the shirt, but Tim would be damned if that was a beating heart.

"We should probably stand back."

A red stain blossomed on Koestner's shirt, then quickly grew.

Cooper took an extra step back. "What in all the fucks is going –"


Koestner's chest exploded, splattering blood in every direction as something like a blood-and-mucous-covered Darwin fish flopped out onto the carpet next to Koestner's now unquestionably dead body, belching and hissing and flapping bodily fluids everywhere.

"JESUS!" cried Dave. He moved in to kick the ungodly abomination away just as Tim caught a wide smile and a glint of joy in Potato's eyes.

"Dave! No! It's a –"

Dave kicked the gruesome polywog toward the mouth of the cave.

"– baby." Tim retained a sliver of hope that, with a high enough Diplomacy roll from Julian, they might still be able to talk their way out of this when the disgusting newborn salad monster stopped just short of falling off the edge.

Flip. Flap. Flop. Over the edge it went, and with it the last of Tim's hope.

Potato let out a croak that shook more dirt and rocks loose from the broken ceiling, then ran to the mouth of the cavern.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Tim asked Dave.

Dave shrugged. "Mostly, 'Holy shit, that's gross! Get it away from me!' How was I supposed to know it was a baby salad monster?"

"The red skin didn't give it away?"

Dave pointed at Potato, still grieving by the mouth of the cavern. "He has red skin. The little alien thing was only red because it was covered in liquid Koestner!"

"Maybe we should fall back and try to hide," said Julian. "Potato is still on a timer, right?"

"Or we could push it over the edge," suggested Dave.

Julian gripped his quarterstaff like he was ready to club Dave in the face with it. "What the hell is wrong with you? He's grieving for the loss of a child. A child that you murdered! And your first thought is to shove him off a cliff?"

"I'm just being practical. That thing murdered one of its own kind just for interrupting a wank session. What do you think it will do to us?"

"It was more complicated than that. There were nuances to the conversation that I couldn't translate properly, but the gist was that –"

"Guys," said Cooper, loudly enough to shut the rest of them up. "He's gone."

Tim, Julian, and Dave looked at the mouth of the cavern. Sure enough, it was bereft of salad monsters.

"Has it been an hour already?" asked Julian. "It doesn't feel like an hour. Did he just disappear?"

Cooper shook his head sadly. "He jumped."

"Whoa," said Julian. "That's messed up."

Dave clapped his hands. "On the bright side, the problem sorted itself out."

Julian's fist shook, like it was going to explode if he didn't use it to punch Dave in the face. He settled for a slap. It was underwhelming.

"What was that for?" said Dave, rubbing his cheek.

"How can you be such a despicable unfeeling asshole? Someone just took their own life right in front of you!"

Tim wondered if they'd get Experience Points for driving someone to suicide, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

"I'm sorry I'm not salting the mashed Potato with my tears," said Dave. "I've got more important concerns right now."

"What could you possibly be concerned about?" asked Julian. "I thought the problem just sorted itself out."

Dave frowned, suddenly looking very serious. "This is just a theory I'm working with, so I don't want anybody to freak out. But I think Cooper may be pregnant."

After a moment of stunned silence, Julian started laughing. After a moment of no one else joining in, he stopped.

"Are you guys serious? Is this a Bible Belt thing? Do they not teach Sex Ed in Mississippi public schools?"

"It's not a Bible Belt thing," said Tim. "It's a Caverns & Creatures thing. We all just witnessed a man giving birth a few minutes ago, or don't you recall?"

"That's right," said Dave. "And now that I think about it, I do seem to remember reading in the Monster Manual about a creature that has egg pellets in its claws."

Cooper grimaced. "Was it the salad monster?"

"I don't remember for sure, but that's looking like a good bet. It would also account for why it... violated you and Koestner the way it did."

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember if the Monster Manual had said anything about ass-fingering."

"With a little bit of frontier surgery and a successful Heal check, the egg pellet can be removed if detected early enough. Digging a pellet from out of a person's rectum would be more..."

"Challenging?" said Tim.

"Unpleasant?" said Julian.

"Intimate?" said Cooper.

"I was going to say 'invasive'. Even with the right tools, a person making a Heal check with that kind of Difficulty Class is just as likely to kill a patient as they are to successfully remove the pellet. Without the right tools..." Dave shuddered.

"I have lock picks in my bag," said Tim. "You can use those if you need them."

"Me?"

"You're the only one of us who put any ranks into the Heal skill. You're Cooper's best chance."

"I don't have that many ranks," said Dave. "Did I not adequately explain how bad it could go for Cooper if I fail?"

Tim pointed at Koestner's gory remains. "We just saw how bad it will go for him if you don't try."

Cooper cleared his throat. "If I may weigh in, I've had all the fingers I want up my ass today."

"But Cooper," said Julian. "You're going to die!"

Cooper looked down at him. "We're all going to die. When my time comes, I don't want my last sensation to be that of Dave fingering my asshole."

Dave's eyes lit up. "There may be another way!"

"I'll take it!" said Cooper excitedly. Then he eyed Dave warily. "Hang on. Does this other way involve your dick?"

"No."

"Okay, cool. What's the plan?"

Dave lifted up his sack of belladonna sprigs. "Eat as many of these berries as you can stuff down your pie hole."

"Jesus Christ," said Tim. "You are the worst healer in the history of this game. He's not turning into a fucking werewolf. He has a salad monster egg up his ass."

"I'm aware of that."

"I'm glad we're on the same page. Are you also aware that not killing Cooper is one of our objectives here?"

"He'll be fine. It's just like you said before about alchemists having to refine the berries for their medicinal properties. The same goes for concentrating them into a lethal dose of poison. As they grow in the wild, they won't kill him. They'll just give him a severe case of the shits."

That all sounded reasonable to Tim, but one thing bothered him. "If you knew all that about belladonna, why didn't you say anything about it when Cooper ate them before?"

Dave shrugged. "I wanted to go home."

"Asshole." Tim looked at Cooper. "Okay, start stuffing your face I guess."

"And clench your cheeks," added Dave. "Resist letting go as long as you can. Remember, you're trying to build up as much pressure as possible to dislodge the egg." He paused and stroked his beard. "When you go, you're probably going to shit like a fire hose. Would you mind standing by the mouth of the cavern and pointing your ass that way?"

Julian shook his head. "You've really got it in for poor Potato. Killing a baby in front of him and celebrating his suicide wasn't enough. Now you want to shower their remains in explosive diarrhea?"

"I was thinking about us. What if we have trouble climbing out of the hole and have to spend the night in here? Cooper smells bad enough as it is."

Julian sighed. "Fine."

The choice between potentially poisoning himself and having Dave dig around in his rectum wasn't much of a choice for Cooper at all. He'd been munching on belladonna berries the entire time Dave and Julian were arguing, putting a whole sprig in his mouth and filtering off the berries with his teeth when he pulled it back out.

When they decided where he should shit, he didn't miss a beat. He grabbed his belladonna sack, waddled ass-clenchingly to the mouth of the cavern, got down on his knees, and continued eating the whole time. His ass pointed outward like the Guns of Navarone.

"This is going to be epic," Cooper said through a purple-toothed grin. He winced in pain, then gobbled up another sprig's worth of berries.

"Hold on as long as you can," said Dave.

Julian turned around, so as to avoid the coming literal shit show. "I'm amazed he's held on this long."

There's nothing here for his Charisma score to fuck up," said Tim. "If we were talking to a princess right now, or applying for a bank loan or something, he'd have shit himself eight times already. If I had to guess, I'd say this is more of a Constitution check to see how long he can maintain control of his sphincter."

Cooper set the sack aside and cradled his head on the floor. "Oh sweet Jesus." He paused to wince and catch his breath. "I've got something epic brewing. I kind of wish we could video this."

Tim didn't want to say it out loud, but he'd been thinking the same thing.

A webbed red hand with black claws gripped the edge of the floor behind Cooper.

"Cooper!" cried Tim. "Behind you!"

"A... few... more... seconds."

The salad monster's other hand appeared to the right of Cooper. This one held the horrible baby salad. It was injured, but still alive. The hand released the child, then sought a more solid grip on the floor.

"It wasn't a suicide after all!" said Julian. "It was a rescue mission. There must have been a ledge down there or something."

Tim grabbed Dave's arm and pulled him toward the saladling. "Heal that horrible thing as a show of goodwill."

Cooper looked up from his arms. "What the fuck are you guys talking –" He caught sight of the slimy pulsating blob of gore and claws next to him.

"Glorbp," said the baby salad monster. It was either its first word, or just a burp.

"JESUS!" cried Cooper as his arm sprang back like a mouse trap, sending the baby sailing back out into the open air.

Potato's head emerged above Cooper's ass just in time to witness its adopted child re-murdered.

"SKWAAAARRRLLLB!" His froggy eyes bulging furiously, he opened his mouth wide and bit down hard on Cooper's exposed ass cheeks.

"Fuck!" cried Cooper, already racked with pain. Ironically, after the initial sting, Cooper's face lightened with relief. He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.

Potato's slitted pupils turned round as his cheeks began to expand.

Julian covered his mouth. "Is what I think is happening actually happening?"

"Cooper's getting his ass eaten out by a giant frog, and he's really enjoying it?" said Dave.

"That's equally horrifying, but not what I had in mind."

Potato's face inflated like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, looking like it was about to burst. Tim, unable to look away, shielded his face from what he feared might be an explosion of frog brains and half-orc shit. But instead of exploding, Potato vanished. He just popped right out of existence like a murdered magical horse.

Cooper, his ass having released and having been released, collapsed forward to lie flat on the ground. "What just happened?"

"Potato's hour was up," said Tim. "How's your ass?"

"Kinda stings." Cooper flexed his cheeks a few times, then looked up at Tim. "But the itch is gone! I think it worked!"

Julian walked past Cooper and looked down over the edge. "There is a ledge! Egg landed on it again. I think he's still alive."

"Who the fuck is Egg?" asked Tim.

"Egg Salad. The baby. I thought it a fitting name, since he just hatched... in a manner of speaking."

Dave frowned. "He's a tough little bastard. Should we drop some rocks down on him and finish him off?"

Julian's jaw dropped. "How can your soul be that empty?"

"What? I was trying to be humane!"

"You're a goddamn cleric! You have magical healing powers, yet you think the most humane thing to do is drop rocks on an injured baby?"

"And what if I healed it?" asked Dave. "What then? Are we going to leave it here to starve to death? Or raise it as one of our own, so it can grow up and finger-fuck some poor unsuspecting asshole, impregnating him with its own chest-exploding offspring?"

"I don't know. But Egg's an innocent creature right now. He's never hurt anyone."

"It's part of his nature. That's how those things reproduce. Maybe it's not inherently evil, but taking it back to town is dangerous and irresponsible."

Julian folded his arms. "I didn't say we definitely should take it back to town. I just think we might spare a moment or two to think about other options before we rush straight to crushing it with rocks."

Tim saw something in the corner of his eye that startled him. Fearing another salad monster attack, he raised his crossbow, but stopped just short of pulling the trigger and shooting Ravenus.

"There you are, sir," said Ravenus, landing next to Koestner's exploded corpse. He plucked out an eyeball and gulped it down. "What did I miss?"

Julian turned away. "We got a little sidetracked. How'd it go with the eagles?"

"Not so well. Did you know they mate for life?"

"I did not."

"That's no way to get the most of out of life if you ask me. I tried to talk some sense into them, but they just weren't having it."

Tim admired Ravenus's moxy, trying to talk a guy he just met into letting him have a quickie with his wife.

Ravenus gobbled up Koestner's other eye. "That feels so much better. There was some dying creature on a ledge just below here, but its eyes were so small, they only made me hungrier."

"What?" Julian dropped to his knees and looked over the edge. "Egg!"

"Uh-oh," said Dave. "Looks like Ravenus is a baby killer. Are you going to turn him in, Julian?"

"It wasn't... He couldn't..." Julian stammered. "He didn't mean to. He's a bird. It's part of his n–" He stopped himself mid-syllable.

"Part of his what?" Dave poked a finger in his ear, pretending to clean it. "I didn't quite catch that."

"Fuck you, Dave."

Cooper laughed. "Well said."

"Cheer up," said Tim. "Cycle of life and all that. If it makes you feel any better, I suspect that, wherever Potato is now, he's probably got a bun in the oven."


Thank you for your amazing generosity.

Cooper put three empty mugs and a silver coin down on the bar. "I need three more scoops from the barrel, and another bottle of your cheapest stonepiss."

The full-orc bartender nodded, slipped the coin into the front pocket of his brown-stained apron, and dunked all three unwashed mugs deep into the large wooden barrel behind the bar. When he set them back down on the bar, filled with the brown concoction of booze unfit for clientele with a bit more money to spend, Cooper noticed that his right hand, which he scooped with, was considerably darker brown than his left. This wasn't the type of tavern one drank at for its high standards of sanitation.

"You sound like a man who's fallen under... hard times," said a half-elven woman standing at the bar next to him. She'd been facing the other way when Cooper had approached the bar. Wearing a black leather cape and a wide-brimmed hat, she hadn't looked like much from behind. But now that she was facing him, Cooper was stunned by her striking red eyes and long green hair that fell past her shoulders to frame her perfectly sculpted bosom. Her cape was actually more of a jacket, with one side wrapped over the other, barely containing a nice V of cleavage. She made him think of the beauty and danger of a forest fire, or a field full of poppies, or a Christmas tree with tits.

In a raging storm of thoughts, "... hard..." was all Cooper managed to articulate.

She offered a lambskin-gloved hand and smiled. Her lips looked like they were painted with blood that never dried. "My name is Kristanya."

Even back in the real world, before he became a half-orc with a Charisma score of 4, Cooper wasn't generally someone women went out of their way to talk to at bars. It was generally him who had to initiate contact. Everything about this situation screamed, "Hooker that I can't afford", which seemed odd considering that her opening line, innuendo or not, indicated her awareness that he was broke.

Forcing himself to focus, he accepted her handshake. "I'm..." Fuck! What is it? Come on, come on... Oh yeah. "Cooper." Her grip was surprisingly firm and powerful. His spank bank was filled for a month.

"Unhand her at once, you disgusting abomination!" A shirtless man with sandy blond hair and red leather pants wedged his way between Cooper and Kristanya. The only attempt he'd made to cover his chest was a strap running diagonally across it for the greatsword he wore on his back. He looked like a barbarian who had put more points into Charisma than he'd put into Strength. Cooper felt Kristanya's fingers slide apart from his as she took a step back.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Cooper, suddenly less tongue-tied.

"I am Payne!" It sounded like an over-rehearsed introduction that he didn't get an opportunity to use as often as he'd like.

"As in, a pain in my ass?"

"As in, Edwin Payne, mercenary for hire."

Cooper half expected him to pull out a business card, but Edwin Payne merely stood his ground, staring into Cooper's eyes, daring him to make the first move.

"I'll let you know if I ever need some mercenarying done."

"Stupid creature. Do you even know what that means? Do you understand what I do for a living?"

"You blow dudes for money?"

"I kill men for money."

"That probably means you're using your teeth too much, or you have a severe case of..." Cooper released a large belch which had just bubbled up from his stomach. "...oral herpes."

Payne's nose scrunched up and his eyes began to water but, to his credit, he neither stepped back nor turned his head.

"Is your tongue your only weapon, or would you care to cross swords?"

Cooper scratched his armpit. "Does that cost extra, or is that just, like, foreplay before you start sucking?"

"Your thoughts are as filthy as your breath, mongrel."

Kristanya cleared her throat.

Payne's face turned pale, and there was sudden panic in his eyes. He turned around. "Forgive me, sweet Kristanya! I meant no offense."

Kristanya said nothing. Her glaring red eyes invited further explanation.

"Your racial impurity is like the irritant which forms a pearl inside an oyster," said Payne.

That almost certainly sounded better in his head before he said it aloud.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Tim, accompanied by Julian and Dave. "You took so long we had to give up our goddamn table. How hard is it to order a couple of fucking –" His gaze met Kristanya's, and his mouth stopped working. "How... hard..." he repeated, but seemed to have lost his train of thought.

"What's going on?" asked Julian.

Cooper grinned. "This guy's trying to pull his foot out of his mouth, but it keeps going in deeper the more he talks. It's glorious."

"Going... in... deeper..." mumbled Dave, gawking up at Kristanya.

Julian slapped Dave on the top of his helmet. "What the hell is wrong with you guys?"

Kristanya gently shoved Payne to the side as she slipped into Julian's personal space. "What's your name, elf?"

Jolted by an unexpected surge of jealousy, Cooper grabbed two of the mugs and the bottle of stonepiss from the bar and passed them out, introducing his friends accordingly. "This is Julian, Tim, and Dave. They were just about to go look for another table."

Kristanya smiled at Ravenus, who was perched on Julian's shoulder. "And what's your name?" She ran a finger from Ravenus's head down the feathers on his back. Julian tugged at his serape, which had the opposite effect of what Cooper suspected he was going for, which was to not call attention to his junk.

The bird squawked back a response that Cooper couldn't understand.

"How can he understand you?" asked Julian. "You didn't speak with a British accent."

Kristanya narrowed her eyes with amusement at Julian. "I didn't what?"

"I meant, he only speaks Elven. He doesn't speak Common."

"I speak a language all men understand," said Kristanya. "I am blessed with the gift of tongues."

Cooper, Tim, Dave, and even Edwin Payne made similarly conspicuous efforts to hide their junk.

"So," said Cooper, holding his mug in front of his crotch like that was the most natural thing in the world. "Why don't you go find us another table. I'll be right behind you."

"Excellent." Payne unsheathed the broadsword strapped to his back and brought it point down on the floorboards. Cooper assumed he meant to look threatening, but knew that he was just using the hilt to cover his crotch.

"Why don't we all go back to my room?" suggested Kristanya. "I have a big bed and an even bigger appetite."

Awkward glances were shared, which eventually gave way to nods.

"Or," said Julian, and octave or so higher than he normally spoke. "We could keep drinking. I'm buying!"

He had a good point. If Cooper was going to be in a six-way involving five dudes, it wouldn't hurt to have a solid buzz going.

Cooper raised his mug and caught the bartender's attention. "Three more of these." He turned around. "Anything for you guys?"

"The same," said Payne, his voice quivering.

"Me too," said Tim.

"Another bottle of stonepiss for me," said Dave.

"Anything for you?" Cooper asked Kristanya.

"I'm afraid this tavern doesn't serve what I'm thirsty for."

Willing his dick not to get any harder than it already was, Cooper turned to Julian.

Julian shook his head. "Nothing for me, thanks."

Cooper continued to look at Julian.

"Oh, right." Julian took a gold coin out of his coin pouch and slapped it down on the bar. "That should cover it."

When everyone had their drinks in hand, Cooper turned to Kristanya. "Lead the way."

Kristanya walked toward the stairs leading up to the rooms. Payne, Tim, Dave, and Cooper followed like a line of ducklings.

"Wait," said Julian, reluctantly trailing behind them. "Where are we going?"

Cooper didn't stop walking. "Where the fuck do you think? Up to her room."

"When I offered to buy everyone drinks, I thought we'd be staying down here."

"What? In front of all these people?" Cooper shuddered. "It's going to be weird enough with just you guys."

As they ascended the stairs, Julian's voice grew more and more panicky, like he was trying to disarm a bomb.

"Tim! Dave!" Julian pleaded, trying to keep his voice down. "You guys can't be serious about this."

"Just be cool," Tim reassured him. "We don't have to talk about this later."

"You're starting to sound a little homophobic," said Dave. "Either that or gay."

"Can you hear the words coming out of your mouths? Come on, guys. Snap out of it!"

The procession stopped in front of a door marked with a symbol that Cooper couldn't read. Illiteracy was a Barbarian class trait. Kristanya pulled a dull grey iron key out from inside the palm of her left glove and looked at Julian. Her red eyes glowed faintly.

"Your name is Julian, is it not?"

Julian stood straight, like he'd just been singled out by a sadistic drill sergeant. "Yes ma'am!"

"Is there some kind of problem, Julian?"

"No ma'am," Julian answered immediately. "No problem at all. I'm really excited about this."

Ravenus started to squawk something, but Julian's hand flew up like a sprung trap and held his beak shut.

Julian smiled sheepishly. "I'm just a little nervous is all."

Kristanya smiled. "I like that." She inserted the key into the keyhole and opened the door.

There wasn't a whole lot to the room. No windows. No pictures on the stained walls. Not even a table or chair. It was the sort of place one would rent by the quarter hour for a bit of privacy and the one piece of furniture in it. The bed was big and sturdy-looking enough for a hooker and her John, but perhaps not sturdy enough for a six-person orgy.

Kristanya didn't even glance toward the bed as she strode across the room to a brown cotton curtain hanging from the doorway to another room. "Close the door."

Being the last one in, Julian was closest to the door. He stood there like a deer that didn't understand English.

Kristanya glared at him with her glowing red eyes.

"Oh, this door," said Julian, quickly shutting it.

Kristanya pulled back the curtain, revealing a black door which didn't match the modest décor of the rest of the room at all. The door's only adornment, where one might expect to see a knocker, stood out for being polished silver against the dull black paint on the door, and for being in the shape of a woman's spread legs. The hoo-ha in the center was an actual hole.

After sliding the room key back into her left glove, Kristanya produced a shinier silver key from her right glove. It had no teeth or notches. Aside from a ring on the back end, it was perfectly cylindrical with a rounded tip.

Tim gulped back the contents of one of his mugs and set it on top of a small table. "Subtle."

While Cooper concentrated on not jizzing in his loincloth, Kristanya inserted the key. After a couple of loud clicks sounded from the other side of the door, she pushed it open.

A wave of considerably warmer air flowed out from the doorway. It smelled of ashes and sulfur. Beyond the door was a large rock-walled subterranean chamber which Cooper was fairly certain wasn't part of this tavern.

Kristanya smiled at Payne. "After you."

Payne didn't need to be asked twice. He marched into the cavern like it was an oasis in the desert. Dave and Tim followed eagerly after him. Cooper started to follow, but Julian grabbed his wrist.

Cooper had no idea that Julian was this timid. "Dude, it's no different than being in a locker room."

Julian grimaced. "Actually, it is kinda different."

"It seems weird now, but I promise you you're going to thank me for this one day."

"Thank you for what?"

Cooper grabbed Julian's arm and shoved him into the doorway.

Kristanya was the last to enter. She closed the door behind her, and the click of the locking mechanism echoed all over the chamber.

Dim light flickered against the red rocky walls from sconces made of skulls, which appeared to vomit stalactites of melted candle wax. At the far end of the chamber stood a massive bed, the four corner posts of which looked to be made of the ribs of some colossal beast. Maybe a dragon. Maybe a dire whale. Maybe Dave's mom. Cooper kept that last speculation to himself for now, not wanting to ruin the mood.

"Very nice place you've got here," said Julian, eyeing one of the sconces. "Tell me, are these real human skulls?"

"Some of them," said Kristanya, walking to a table near the bed made of two minotaur skulls, back to back, and a sheet of black glass resting atop the horns. "Some dwarf, some half-orc." She turned to him and grinned. "Some elf."

Julian looked at a smaller sconce, then glared at Tim. "And some halfling."

"Actually, that one's a human child." Kristanya cracked her knuckles. "Now who would like to go first?"

The tension in the room vanished as Cooper, Tim, Dave, and Payne let out a collective sigh of relief, then clinked their mugs together.

"What?" cried Julian.

Payne smiled at Cooper. "I suppose we won't be crossing swords today after all." Then he turned to Kristanya. "It seems fitting that the first to make your acquaintance should be the first to... fulfill your desires."

No one argued, still relieved that it wasn't going to be a five-dick orgy.

"Very well." Kristanya smiled at Payne. "Step forward, Edwin Payne, and reveal yourself to me."

Payne removed his sheathe and tossed it aside, then hurriedly kicked off his boots and unlaced his pants. The tight leather had left little to the imagination with regard to his ass. Cooper couldn't see what he was packing up front, but noted that Kristanya's expression didn't change upon laying her eyes on his junk.

"Would you like me to reveal myself to you?" asked Kristanya.

"More than anything!" said Payne, perhaps a little too eagerly. Then again, she seemed like a pretty sure thing, so Cooper supposed there wasn't a whole lot of point to playing it cool.

Though they hadn't been asked, Cooper, Tim, and Dave nodded their agreement. Even Julian stopped bitching for a moment.

Kristanya pulled off her gloves, one at a time, setting them on the table next to the bed. Her fingernails were at least an inch and a half long, obsidian black, and pointed. Cooper imagined them tearing down his back, shredding his kidneys while he blew his load.

Next she removed her hat, revealing a set of what looked like black ram's horns which the hat had been specifically designed to conceal. Something to hold on to.

She spread her arms and smiled at Payne. "What do you think?"

Payne was trembling with anticipation. "Take off your coat." His voice was shaky, like he was testing the waters to see if following orders was something she was into.

"I'm not wearing a coat," she said. "I'm not wearing anything at all." Her red eyes glowed brighter as her teeth seemed to grow sharper. The black leather which covered her body spread apart at the middle, becoming immediately recognizable as a giant pair of bat wings. They opened slowly, revealing her body from the top down. First, those perfect breasts, like a pair of honeydews with nipples. Then her navel, like a tiny cup waiting to be filled with splooge. Finally, the biggest blackest cock Cooper had ever seen. It was covered in scales, barbed at the end, and squirmed around like a blind snake.

"The fuck?" Cooper snapped out of what seemed like a lucid dream. Everything was just as it was, but his interpretation was different. Even though what he'd mistaken as a big black snake dick actually turned out to be a tail, and even though she still had a great set of tits, he was suddenly not quite as convinced that he wanted his dick near her. The skulls all over the walls now seemed off putting, as did his memory of fantasizing about her shredding his kidneys only a moment ago.

"Cooper," whispered Julian, who had just inched his way next to him.

Cooper rubbed his temples as the sanity filtered back into his brain.

"Are you... all there?"

"I think so."

"Good. Just keep acting normal until we figure out our next move."

Cooper nodded. "I think that woman had me under some kind of spell."

"I don't think she's a woman."

Cooper laughed. "I made the same mistake. Look again. That was her tail."

"What are you talking about?"

"Huh? Nothing. Go on with what you were saying."

"I think she's a succubus," said Julian. "I've read about them before. If they're anything in the game like they are in the books I've read, we're in some deep shit. We need to get Tim and Dave and find a way out of –"

"Shut up for a second." Cooper appreciated the gravity of their situation, but he also appreciated that there would only be a limited number of opportunities in his life to be able to watch a demon chick go down on a dude.

Kristanya didn't seem the submissive type, but she was down on her knees in front of Payne, taking his cock into her mouth. Payne lasted about twenty seconds before Cooper recognized the shudder and sigh of premature release.

Cooper shook his head. "Dude didn't even grab her by the horns."

But Kristanya didn't stop. Either Cooper had been mistaken in his interpretation, or Kristanya thought Payne might have one more in the chamber. She went at him harder now, wings flapping and tail whipping around as she dug her claws into his ass cheeks and pushed him further into her mouth.

Payne's moans changed in a way that made it difficult for Cooper to enjoy the spectacle, but at least he finally put his hands on her horns.

"Atta boy, Payne."

"I don't think you're fully understanding what's happening right now," said Julian.

"Huh?" Cooper tried to take in the scene more objectively, and saw that Payne was trying to push Kristanya's head away. "Oh shit. Should we –"

Payne filled the chamber with a horrible scream, the echoes of which continued to reverberate as the scream itself faded. His hair turned white, and his skin grew dry and brittle until it started to flake off.

Cooper frowned. "Probably too late to step in at this point."

"We need to think of something fast," said Julian.

When Payne's withered husk of a body collapsed into a pile of dry skin and bones, Kristanya got to her feet and wiped the corners of her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Who's next?"

Tim and Dave's hands shot up immediately. Then Julian raised his hand.

"Dude," said Cooper. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to buy us more time. Raise your hand."

Trusting that Julian was aware that Cooper didn't want his life forced sucked out through the cock, he followed Julian's lead.

"However should I choose?" said Kristanya, pacing nakedly among them. The tip of her tail ran through Tim's hair. "Should I start with the smallest and work my way up?"

"Yes!" Tim yipped like a puppy.

Kristanya turned her attention to Dave and ran the tip of her tail through his beard. "Or the hairiest?"

"Please!" Dave fluffed out his beard to make it look even bigger and bushier. "I'll bury you in my beard."

Kristanya walked to Cooper, sneaking her tail up under his loincloth. While he was terrified of having any part of her near his junk, he'd have been lying if he said he didn't find it at least a little arousing. She smiled at him with decidedly terrifying pointed teeth. "Or the dirtiest?"

"Oh yeah," said Cooper, trying to sound convincing. "I'll, um... take a shit on your tits."

Kristanya's tail pulled out from under Cooper's loincloth. Her smile faltered and her glowing eyes dimmed. Tim and Dave glared at Cooper like he was cramping their style.

"I know!" said Julian. "We could fight for the honor!"

That put the terrifying smile back on Kristanya's face and the shine back in her demon eyes.

"Excellent idea!" She beat her bat wings hard, lifting herself off the floor, and flew to a throne made of femurs, and decorated on the back with a fan of ribs.

Cooper was thankful that Julian had bailed him out, and relieved that he seemed to be initiating some sort of plan. When he judged Kristanya to be far enough away, he whispered, "Okay, cool. So what are we doing?"

Julian shrugged. "I was just stalling for more time."

"Fuck."

"Rule one," said Tim. He and Dave had joined Julian and Cooper's huddle. "Everyone's going to get their turn, so no kicking in the nuts. Agreed?"

Dave nodded. "Good idea. Mine are about to explode."

"Maybe we should do this tournament style," Julian suggested. "Tim faces off against Dave, and I'll fight Cooper. Then the winners fight each other."

Tim looked Cooper up and down, then looked back at Julian. "That sounds fair."

"Let the fight begin!" announced Kristanya.

Tim, utilizing his high Dexterity score and his apparent training in Taekwondo, immediately launched his foot into Dave's nuts. Dave fell forward, howling in pain and grasping his genitals, but incapacitating Tim with sheer weight.

Julian lunged at Cooper, but it felt more like a hug than a wrestling move. Pulling Cooper's head toward his own, he whispered, "We need to get the key. Wrestle me toward the nightstand next to the bed."

Cooper gave Julian a slight nod to show he understood what the goal was, then picked him up and gently body-slammed him onto the floor a few feet in the direction of the nightstand.

Julian cried out in obviously fake pain, then sprang to his feet. He grabbed Cooper's wrist, twisted it behind his back, and jumped up for a from-behind stranglehold.

"You need to sell it better," Julian whispered into Cooper's ear. "Make her think you really hate me. Throw me at the table, then come in and attack me."

"Roar!" Cooper said as he gently tossed Julian toward the nightstand. Then he ran at him and stomped on the floor as he pretended to punch Julian in the chest. "Can you smell what the orc is cooking?" If it was good enough to fool white trash America, it should be good enough to fool a demon bitch from hell.

Julian glanced in Kristanya's direction, then looked up into Cooper's eyes and shook his head.

"She's not buying it," Julian whispered. "Put a little more feeling into it." He got to his feet, grabbed Cooper by the arm, and pulled him in the direction of the nightstand.

Cooper took the hint and followed through on being an unlikely victim of Judo. "MY HEAVENS!" he shouted as he jumped toward the nightstand and pretended to lay temporarily incapacitated on the floor. He chanced a glance at Kristanya. She was standing up in front of her throne and eyeing him suspiciously.

When Julian got up in his face again, he whispered, "I don't think she's buying this."

"I know," said Julian. "Your Bluff check is based on your Charisma score. I'm sorry."

If Cooper understood him correctly, that would be more his fault than Julian's. "For what?"

"Fuck you! She's mine!" cried Julian, just before driving his knee into Cooper's goods.

"Cooper cradled his nuts with both hands. "What the fuck, dude? I thought –"

Julian slapped him hard in the face. "You don't think, you maggot-brained imbecile!" SLAP "Your head is more vacuous than an empty Bag of Holding!" SLAP "If brain cells were platinum pieces, you wouldn't be able to afford a handjob from a leprous hobo!"

"Dude," said Cooper. "First of all, stop slapping me. Secondly, why would I want –"

As Julian's hand drew back to slap Cooper again, Cooper felt a searing pain in his left thigh.

"FUCK!" Cooper cried. Instinctively reacting to the only threat he could see, he backhanded Julian in the side of his head, sending him flying back toward the magic door. The pain failed to subside.

Looking down, Cooper found Tim coughing and gagging, and found a crescent of tooth-marks on his thigh which looked disturbingly childlike.

Tim went for an uppercut to Cooper's nuts, but Cooper caught his wrist and threw him across the room. Tim hit the wall and landed sprawled out on Kristanya's bed.

Cooper took a little time to catch his breath and come to terms that all of his friends had gone batshit crazy on him, when he heard a slow clap.

"You have done well, Cooper," said Kristanya. "Congratulations."

Cooper turned to her. Her red eyes glowed brighter than any of the skull candles, her needle-toothed grin more sinister than ever. Still, nice tits.

Dave was still awake, cradling his nuts on the floor. Julian lay still near the door. Cooper wondered if he'd hit him just a little too hard. Tim was stirring, but not looking too hot.

Kristanya rose from her femur throne. "It would appear we have a winner." Her right eye stopped glowing temporarily as she winked at him. "If I'm honest, I was hoping it would be you."

"Oh?" Cooper was in a position to take flattery wherever he could get it. "Why's that?"

"To get you out of the way, of course." Kristanya stood up, opened her wings, then flapped toward him. "I want to save the elf for last."

That sounded fair to Cooper. If he had to choose between fucking Julian and fucking a clone of himself, it wouldn't be a choice at all. But after a moment of further reflection, coming to terms with what it meant to be the last man standing in this particular scenario, the backhanded compliment felt somehow even emptier.

Kristanya's wings flapped gently, then folded as she landed in front of him. "Reveal yourself to me."

Cooper backed away from her. "Maybe we should take things slowly."

"My body yearns to have yours inside it." Kristanya pushed her breasts together, drawing the full scope of Cooper's gaze toward them. He'd lived a good life, and there were worse ways to go.

"No!" cried Cooper, slapping himself in the face to free his mind from Kristanya's tit sorcery. "I've lived a shitty life. I don't want this."

"The bulge under your loincloth says differently."

She made a solid point. Cooper's mind was unable to communicate the dangers of this situation to his dick, which pointed at her bosom like it was presenting its own side of the argument.

Cooper tried to take another step back, but something snaked around his ankle. As soon as he looked down and identified it as Kristanya's tail, it pulled back hard, landing Cooper on his back.

It was a hard fall, and the back of Cooper's head hurt. When his suddenly doubled vision sorted itself out, he was staring down at his flabby chest and belly, then at his dick trying hard to break through his loincloth. It looked like a wigwam in a wasteland.

A second later, his entire field of vision was filled with Kristanya's horrifying face. Her eyes were practically fireballs now. Her forked tongue flicked between her needle-like teeth. She'd pounced on top of him, pinning his shoulders to the floor.

"You will give me your seed!" The playful flirtiness was gone from her voice. She'd gone full-on rapist.

Cooper struggled to move his arms, finding Kristanya surprisingly strong for her build. But as she slid her body down his bringing her head down toward his junk, she sacrificed her arms' leverage on him. He bent his elbows, bringing his hands up under her arms, and grabbed her horns.

"No means no, lady," said Cooper. "And if I'm being honest, you're giving off kind of a desperate vibe."

Kristanya's claws dug deep into Cooper's forearms as she tried to wrest his hands from her horns. He felt her tail release its grip on his ankle. Taking whatever advantage he could get, he pushed ineffectively with his feet as well, but then felt the tail wrap tightly around his neck and start to constrict. If it weren't for the certainty of death at the end, this all might have been even more arousing.

With all the breath his lungs were able to squeeze out through his collapsing windpipe, Cooper spoke what he hoped weren't his last words. "I'm... really... angry."

The pain seared through his arms as his muscles expanded into her still-digging claws. His head felt like it might burst as his neck tried to force itself out against her tail's grip.

Cooper released Kristanya's horns and pulled his arms free of her grip. Kristanya hovered above him as far up as her tail tether on his neck would allow, taking in his body, transformed as it was by his Barbarian Rage.

"Yes!" she cried in ecstasy. She smeared Cooper's arm blood across her breasts. "So much anger! So much passion! So much – YAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOW!"

Cooper had grabbed her tail with both hands and torn out a large chunk of it with his teeth. Her tail immediately loosened, and she flew out of his reach.

Able to breathe again, Cooper spat out flesh, blood, and scales, then sucked in as much air as he could. He looked for something to throw. At first glance, all he could come up with was Tim. Even with his mind clouded by Rage, he knew that wasn't an ideal option. Then he considered the bed itself. If he could tear off one of those big-ass ribs, he might have the reach to swat that demon bitch out of the air.

He ran to the bed and grabbed a post.

"Cooper," Tim whispered, apparently only faking unconsciousness.

Cooper punched him in the face, knocking him out for real. It was for his own good. As long as he was still trying to get blown to death, he was a liability.

His limited attention back on the massive bone bedpost, Cooper grunted as he wrenched it free from the rest of the frame.

It was by no means an elegant weapon, but it had the reach he needed.

Still cradling her wounded tail, Kristanya dodged Cooper's wild bone swings at her.

A wave of exhaustion, clearness of mind, and flatulence washed over Cooper, and the bone suddenly felt much heavier in his hands. He collapsed as he farted out the last of his Barbarian Rage.

"Ungrateful beast!" cried Kristanya. "You aren't worthy to enter my body!"

Now they were getting somewhere. Cooper nodded while he caught his breath. "It's not you. It's me."

"There are far worse ways to die than at the mercy of a Succubus."

Cooper wheezed out a laugh. "Like getting hit by a Fuck You Bus?"

"We'll see how you laugh when I feed you to a horde of quasits! When they begin to devour you, you'll – YOU!"

That was an odd turn of phrase. Was she stuttering? Cooper looked up to find Kristanya and Julian racing toward the minotaur skull table. Julian just beat her to it, but Kristanya landed right behind him and wrapped her tail around his neck.

"Give me the gloves," Kristanya demanded pleasantly, putting out her hand.

Julian's face was turning red. Not left with a lot of options, he put the gloves in her hand.

Kristanya smiled. "Very good, Julian. I knew you were my favorite." She released his neck and he dropped to his knees, gasping for air.

Cooper finally managed to push the big bone off his chest and sit up.

"Seems I was careless," said Kristanya, picking up her hat and placing her gloves inside it. "One must always take care to keep one's valuables in a safe place."

Between the tone of her voice, the events of the past hour, and a lack of obvious alternatives which Cooper could readily identify, he half expected her to roll up the whole bundle and shove it up her cooch. He was mildly intrigued by the idea of being able to watch.

Instead, she snapped her fingers and disappeared. Hat, gloves, demon whore. All of them just gone.

Julian rushed over to Cooper, looking at the claw wounds on his arms. "Are you okay?"

Cooper shrugged. "I'll live. I guess, at least until she feeds me to Quasimodo or whatever the fuck she said."

The sound of metal scraping against rock came from over where Tim had knocked out Dave.

"Dave?" Julian called over to him. "Are you okay?"

Dave stood up. He was wearing his breast and back plates, but was bare-ass naked below the waist. His dwarf dong was fully erect, poking out like a second nose from a bush that was as thick and unkempt as his beard.

"Where's Kristanya?"

"Dammit." Julian shook his head and pointed at the floor in front of Dave. "Horse!"

The white stallion which appeared seemed somehow surprised to find itself in hell with a half-naked horny dwarf behind it. It kicked Dave right in the nipples of his breastplate, knocking him against the wall and unconscious once again.

"If he moves, do that again."

The horse gave a small whinny of understanding.

"That reminds me," said Cooper. "What the fuck ever happened to Ravenus?"

"I left him behind to go for help." Julian helped Cooper to his feet, then ran to the door. "I had a bad feeling about this from the beginning." He pushed on the door, then shook his head. "No good. It won't budge."

Still fatigued from his Barbarian Rage, Cooper took a few deep breaths and mentally focused on what he was best at. "Get out of the way."

Julian looked back at him, shrugged, and stepped to the side. "I guess it couldn't hurt to try."

With a solid running start, Cooper charged at the door, slamming into it with his right shoulder. Sharp pain shot down his arm all the way to his hand.

The noise of the collision was immense, much more so than it should have been. But still, the door refused to budge.

Cooper summed up his disappointment and pain in one word. "Fuck."

"That was really loud," said Julian.

Cooper sat on the floor and rubbed his shoulder. "I'm really sorry to have disturbed your goofy-ass giant elf ears."

"No, I was just thinking that we might be able to get someone's attention on the other side." Julian started banging on the door. He had a good point. It was making a lot more noise than his delicate elf fist should have been capable of.

Cooper reasoned that his larger half-orc fist would make even more noise. He took over pounding on the door while Julian hunched over and peeked through the keyhole.

"Ravenus! Help!"

Cooper stopped knocking. "Can you see him?"

Julian shook his head. "I can't see anything. I was just hoping he might be able to hear me."

"Should we keep knocking?"

"Either that or try to think of another way out of here."

"Fuck that," said Cooper. "My brain still hurts from Kristanya's mind fuck. How about you think and I'll keep knocking?"

Julian sighed and nodded.

Cooper resumed banging on the door. "Ravenus! Ravenus! RAVEN–"

"Stop!" cried Julian. "You're saying it wrong. He only speaks Elven. He won't understand what you're saying unless you speak with a British accent."

"Sorry, I don't speak Elven. I'm not wasting a skill point to learn how to talk to a fucking bird."

"Surely it can't be that hard to learn one word in a foreign language. Repeat after me, syllable by syllable. Ray."

"Ray," Cooper repeated.

"Ven."

"Ven"

"Us."

"Us."

Julian smiled. "Not bad. Now put it all together."

Cooper did his best to say the bird's name with the exact pronunciation Julian had just demonstrated for him. "Ravenus."

Julian made a face like Cooper had just rubbed his balls on it.

"What?"

"If anything, you sound more American, like you're the living embodiment of a stubborn refusal to adopt universal healthcare and the metric system."

"Your mother," was the only retort which sprang to Cooper's mind.

Julian sighed. "We're just not getting out of here without that key."

"That is correct," said Kristanya.

Cooper's heart skipped a beat as he turned around. Kristanya was back on her throne, her tail bandaged with clean white cloth where Cooper had bitten it. She smiled at Cooper and Julian like they were a couple of altar boys in her rectory.

"The key is safely out of your reach. You can beat on that door all you like. No one on the other side will hear you."

"It's loud as fuck on this side," said Cooper.

"I designed it that way." Kristanya rose from her throne and began walking slowly toward them. "You see, my charms occasionally fail to work on certain types of individuals."

"Queers?" Cooper guessed, earning him a harsh glare from Julian. "What?"

"They prefer to be called LGBT."

"Dude. I'm fucking illiterate. You're going to give me shit about my spelling?"

"I know not of these Eljee-beety of whom you speak," said Kristanya. "I was referring to elves. For whatever reason, they are more challenging to lure."

"Darwinism," said Julian.

Kristanya stopped walking. "I beg your pardon?"

"Elves have crazy long life spans, right? It would make sense, then, that to maintain a stable population, we would be hardwired to think about procreation less frequently, lest our numbers explode."

Kristanya thought about what Julian said, and she seemed to give just as much of a shit about it as Cooper did. "Whatever the reason, listening to their agony as their hope of escape slips away serves as an appetizer before they finally change their minds and submit to me."

"So you're going to keep casting Charm spells on me until one finally works? Cooper was right. That does sound desperate."

"What kind of demon do you take me for?" Kristanya frowned innocently. "Magic grows tiresome, and the suffering lasts only but a moment. That's why elves are my favorite, Julian. I'll get to prolong your suffering. Once all your friends are gone, you'll go mad with hunger and loneliness until you beg me to end it. Then I'll continue to wait until I don't think you'll survive another day. Alternatively, you may just die. Sometimes I misjudge how much life a man has left in him."

Cooper shook his head. "It takes a special kind of twisted bitch to get bored with the humdrum routine of conventional rape and murder."

"You surprised me, Cooper. Half-orcs, with their weak minds, are rarely able to resist my charms."

"Um... thank you?"

"I thought about giving you the same treatment as Julian, but my quasits need to be fed."

"I understand."

Kristanya looked over to where Dave was lying unconscious with his dick in his hand, like he passed out drunk while watching porn. "Speaking of pets, I see you've Polymorphed your bird into a horse."

"Yes," Julian lied. "It's, um... a game we like to play."

Kristanya pouted at Julian. "And here I thought you did it just for me."

"What benefit would you get by me turning Ravenus into –" Julian's face went even paler than usual. "No."

Kristanya grinned at Julian, her red eyes flaring brightly again. They had an understanding that Cooper couldn't figure out. Then she turned her attention toward the horse and extended her hand, beckoning it to her.

"Come here, pretty bird."

The horse took a step toward her.

"Stay where you are," demanded Julian.

Kristanya wiggled her fingers at the horse. It ignored the shit out of Julian's order and stayed its course. Its impossibly huge horse dong grew and extended from its body, and Cooper suddenly had an idea of what was about to go down. A succubus, on a goddamn horse. Fucking epic.

"This isn't happening," said Julian.

Cooper rested a hand on Julian's shoulder. "Oh, it's happening alright."

A whirlwind of questions raced through Cooper's mind. How was it going to work? Would she just take the end in her mouth and stroke the shaft? Would she take it down like a sword swallower? How big of a load does a horse shoot? Quarts? Could she swallow that much in one gulp? If she could blow a horse, could she blow an elephant? What about a whale? Those fuckers' dicks were ten feet long. How might he go about building an aquarium?

"Lie down," Kristanya instructed the horse. The horse obeyed, getting down on its belly, rolling over onto its back, then spreading its legs. Its meat harpoon waved back and forth like an uncertain compass needle.

"Nope," said Julian. "This isn't happening." He snapped his fingers and the horse disappeared. Kristanya's open mouth welcomed empty air.

"Dude!" cried Cooper. "What the fuck?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to watch that."

"Then turn the other way! I don't want to watch The Bachelor, but I don't come over to your house and turn off your fucking TV, do I?"

"What are you talking about? I don't even watch The Bachelor!" He looked at Kristanya. "Seriously, I've never sat through a full episode. In fact, I don't watch any reality –"

"Silence!" Kristanya was furious, as well she should be. You just don't take the horse cock out of a woman's mouth and expect her to be cool about it. "It's time you learned some respect."

"Respect is earned," said Julian. "And it has to be mutual."

Cooper wasn't sure where Julian was going with this half-assed dad lecture. He was confident that a woman who blows horses in front of dudes for attention wasn't too bothered with 'respect' as Julian was defining it.

Kristanya narrowed her glowing eyes at Julian. "We'll see how defiant you are after you meet some of my pets." With that, she blinked her eyes and disappeared.

"What did she call her pets?" asked Cooper. "Quibbits or something? How big do you think one of those are? Honestly, at this point, anything smaller than a horse is going to be a disappointment."

Julian headed toward the bed. "Hopefully, we won't have to find out. I've got one more idea. Come on."

"Does this involve us pretending to be gay? I'm not sure I can play it convincingly, and I don't know that it would put her off. In fact, if she were to catch us making out in her bed, I think she might actually be –"

"Please," said Julian. "Just, stop."

"Fuck you, dude. I'm not any more thrilled about it than you are."

"I'm not suggesting we start making out on the bed. I was thinking we might find something here to pick the lock with."

"That's a good idea." Cooper thought for a moment while Julian inspected the bed where Cooper had ripped off the bedpost. "If picking the lock doesn't work, though, should we try the gay thing as a Hail Mary pass?"

"I don't want to make that decision until I absolutely have to."

"What if we got Tim and Dave to make out instead. We could tell them Kristanya would be really into it."

Julian paused and rubbed his chin. "I think I could commit to that. As an absolute last resort, of course."

"Of course," Cooper reassured him, pretending that he wouldn't have done it just for fun.

"Will you get over here and help me?" Julian was trying to further damage the bed where Cooper had gotten it started. "There are a few chunks of wood too big to fit in the keyhole, and some splinters not substantial enough to work with.

Cooper got a firm grip on the footboard, and they managed to rip the entire front off the bed.

Tim rolled down the mattress and opened his eyes. "Cooper! Wait! Don't –"

One more solid punch to the face put Tim back in dreamland, where he wouldn't be a danger to himself or others.

Cooper picked up Tim's unconscious body. "Get the pillow."

Julian grabbed the pillow off the bed, gave it a good fluff, then looked closely at a tear in the seam. "Is this stuffed with people's hair?" He sighed. "What am I saying? Of course it is."

He set the pillow on the floor, and Cooper laid Tim gently down on it.

Something in the wreckage of the bed caught Julian's attention. He picked up a small wooden peg and held it up to Cooper. "What do you think of this?"

Cooper shrugged. "It looks like Tim's dick?"

"Exactly," said Julian. "It's just about the same size as that key."

"Sweet!"

Julian and Cooper rushed back to the door. Julian inserted the makeshift dick key into the door's vag hole.

"It's a tight fit, but I can just about squeeze it in."

Cooper snorted. "Said no one ever to Dave's mom."

Julian shoved the peg in as far as it would go, but there was no click. He sighed. "I guess we're back to square one."

"Maybe not," said Cooper. "You can't just shove it in there and expect it to open on your first try. Wiggle it around. Pull it in and out. Finesse it a little."

"I'm trying to pick a lock, not bring a door to orgasm."

Cooper nudged Julian aside. "Let me give it a try." He removed the peg, spit in his hand, then rubbed the peg in his spit. With his thumb and index finger, he stroked the peg up and down, making sure to get it lubed up nice and evenly.

He inserted the peg gently at first, then eased it out and shoved it back in a little more forcefully. "Do you like that?"

"Maybe you should buy the door dinner first," said Julian.

"Maybe you should go fuck yourself. I'm doing my best." Cooper jiggled and twisted the key every way he could, then started ramming it harder in. "Come on, door. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your – FUCK!"

"JESUS!" cried Julian as searing pain tore into Cooper's shoulder and ass cheek.

"What the fuck is that?" Cooper felt like he had a rabid monkey on his back, which was somehow biting his shoulder while simultaneously stabbing his ass.

"I don't know! It's like Kristanya's Mini-Me."

"Well get it the fuck off my back!" Cooper punched at the creature, but was unable to get enough reach to hurt it or drive it away.

Julian pulled out whatever had pierced Cooper's ass. Cooper felt the tiny monkey hands and feet scramble to maintain their grip on him, and the wind of frantically flapping wings.

Finally, the creature released its hold on his shoulder and screamed like a lizard-cat that just got its tail stepped on.

Turning around, Cooper found Julian biting hard on the tail of something that did indeed look like a miniature version of Kristanya, except that it was blue, bald, male, and only about a foot and a half tall, not counting the tail, which was about as long.

The tiny demon grabbed Julian's long elf ears and attempted to bite him in the face, but Cooper grabbed it by the throat and pulled it off.

"Let go of me!" the tiny winged shithead croaked.

Cooper slammed its horned head into the wall. With a satisfying crunch, the creature's flapping wings and flailing arms, legs, and tail all went limp. He flung its lifeless body to the ground.

A slow clap came from across the chamber. Kristanya sat on her bone throne, her red eyes glowing smugly.

"Well done, gentlemen. You might have handled him better if he hadn't caught you by surprise. I suggest staying alert for the next round."

"Next round?" said Julian.

Kristanya smiled. "Of course. A single quasit is no match for two strapping young men such as yourselves. I always do a trial run so that I can make an informed decision on how many to throw at you for the real fight. Taking into account various factors, such as your size, ability to fight as a team, and what I know about my quasits, I believe ten will provide optimal entertainment value for me."

Cooper considered it. He and Julian might be able to take out ten of those things, but they'd come out of it in a world of hurt. His ass cheek pulsed with pain where the little fucker had stabbed him with its tail.

"Then again," Kristanya continued. "Cooper appears to have gotten stung. Depending on how severely the quasit venom affects his celerity, my calculations may be way off." She shrugged. "I suppose we'll soon find out." With a blink of the eyes, she was gone again.

Cooper bent over and lifted the back of his loincloth. "I hate to ask you to do this, but I need you to suck out the poison."

"It's venom," said Julian. "And absolutely not."

"Quit fucking around, man. This is serious!"

Julian turned away. "If it was a matter of life or death, then I might consider sucking on your ass, but –"

"Fuck life and death! She said my celery stick is going to fall off."

"What? No she didn't." Julian paused to think, then looked at Cooper. "She said your celerity would be affected."

"What the fuck is celerity?"

"It's like how fast you move. Maybe the venom affects your Dexterity score or something."

Cooper let his loincloth down and stood straight. "Oh. That's preferable to having your lips on my ass."

"Agreed. Now lets –"

"OW!" Cooper cried as something hard hit him on the side of the head. A wooden chunk of broken bed frame clattered on the floor next to him.

"Asshole!" said Tim, standing next to the bed, arm cocked back with another piece ready to throw.

"Dude, that hurt."

"Well how do you think it feels to keep getting punched in the goddamn face every time I wake up?"

"That was for your own good."

"He was trying to save your life," Julian said to Tim. "We needed to keep you from getting yourself killed while we tried to pick the lock and get out of here."

Tim snorted blood out of his nose. "You were trying to pick a lock? He rubbed his chin in an exaggerated thoughtful manner. "If only we had a fucking rogue in the party."

"Kristanya has you under some kind of Charm spell. We didn't think you'd agree to help us escape."

Tim came closer. "Asking nicely will get you a lot farther than face punching." He gently tossed Cooper the chunk of wood he'd been threatening to throw at him.

Cooper raised his hand to catch it, but caught only a fistful of air as the wood hit him in the head. "Ow."

"Nice catch, shitface."

"Shit," said Cooper, looking at his hands. "My senility, my salami, my –"

Tim looked at Julian. "What the fuck is he talking about?"

"His celerity. He got stung in the ass by a mini-demon. The venom is affecting his Dexterity score."

"Well then we'd best grab Dave and get the fuck out of here, wouldn't you say?"

Julian smiled. "So you'll help us pick the lock?"

"Fuck that. Why pick a lock when you can just use the key." Tim reached into his pocket and pulled out Kristanya's silver dick key.

Julian's mouth and eyes went wide. "How did you... When...?

"When Cooper and Kristanya were wrestling around on the floor. I caught a glimpse of Cooper's taint and my dick shriveled up like a raisin. I snapped out of my trance and swiped the key."

"Well shit," said Cooper. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Because every time I tried, you knocked me the fuck out."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"Forget it." Tim held up the key for Julian. "You'll have to do the honors. I can't reach the hole."

Julian frowned at the keyhole. "There's a little problem with that. The peg we tried to pick the lock with is stuck in the hole." He pinched at it ineffectively. "It's jammed in there good, and it looks like Cooper snapped part of it off when he was attacked."

Tim picked up a piece of peg from the floor. "Is this the other part?"

Julian nodded.

"Do I want to know why it's wet?"

Julian shook his head.

"I can't believe you two idiots would try to pick a lock with this. Summon one of your goddamn horses so I can take a look."

"Horse," said Julian. A small grey pony appeared, just the right size for Tim to sit on to get eye level with the keyhole. Julian calmed the surprised animal by stroking its mane. "Just stay here. Everything's okay."

Cooper lifted Tim up onto the horse, and Tim eyed the keyhole. After a few unsuccessful tries to grasp it, he sighed. "I can't do it. There's just not enough peg sticking out for me to grip."

Julian looked around the room. "What if we snapped a couple of rib bones off Kristanya's throne? Do you think you could use them like forceps?"

Tim shrugged. "I doubt it, but it's something to pass the time with while we wait to get our souls sucked out of our dicks. Cooper, go snap off two of the sharpest and strongest pieces of bone you can find.

Cooper ran in a zigzag fashion toward the throne. That venom was really fucking with his celebrity. He arrived dizzily at the throne and snapped off two pieces of what he guessed were once a dwarf's rib cage. They took a little muscle to break, which meant they should serve their purpose well enough. Having completed his mission, he felt a big shit coming on. The quasit venom was doing a number on his insides as well.

Supposing they didn't have much to lose at this point, he decided to give Kristanya something to remember them by. He squatted over the seat of the throne and hosed it down with liquid shit. When he was done, he felt twenty pounds lighter. Jogging back to his friends was like floating on air.

Tim and Julian were glaring at him.

"What?"

"Was that truly necessary?" asked Tim. "The crazy bitch seems both fond of torture and creative. We don't really need to go out of our way to piss her off even more."

"I had to shit somewhere, and I don't see a men's room." He held up the bones for Tim. "When we get out of here, you'll be glad I did it."

"If we get out of here. This bone thing is a long shot." Tim turned his attention to the keyhole and tried to grip the wooden peg with the two pieces of bone.

After a moment of struggling, Tim shook his head. "It's no use. I'm not getting anywhere."

"Do you want me to try?" asked Cooper.

"Fuck no!" Tim threw the bones at Cooper. "You're the one who fucked it up in the first place. Without a drill or some strong ass super glue, we're completely fucked."

Cooper looked down at the ground, trying to figure out how glue might solve the problem, then looked back up at Tim. "Would earwax do?"

Tim rolled his eyes. "Not unless your earwax is strong enough to fix –" His scowling eyes went wide. "Dave!"

"You think my earwax can snap Dave out of his trance?"

"No, you fucking moron. Dave could use a –" Tim's lips shut like a drawstring Hefty bag. "Never mind. The less you know, the better. Just hurry up and get him over here."

Cooper stomped sullenly toward Dave while Tim and Julian whispered secrets to each other. He found him still unconscious and half-naked on the floor, and paused to consider how it would be best to move him. If he dragged him by the arms, Dave's ass would scrape raw against the rough rocky floor, but if he dragged him by the legs, he'd have the same issue with Dave's head. Cooper didn't know how many healing spells Dave had prepared, but he'd probably need one or two for himself after getting kicked by a horse, and Cooper wanted a couple for his own shoulder and ass. Taking the safest option, he slapped Dave lightly on the cheeks.

"Dude, wake up."

Dave stirred. "What? No. I don't want to touch it."

Cooper cleared his throat and gave Dave a little bit harder of a slap. "Come on, man. Keep your fucking altar boy memories suppressed and get your shit together."

Dave opened his eyes. "Cooper?" He looked around frantically. "Where's Kristanya? Is it over? I didn't get my turn!"

"She's coming back," said Cooper. He didn't want to lie, because his Charisma score was too shitty for him to do it successfully, so he spoke in half truths. "She's bringing some friends."

"Alright!" Dave rubbed his hands together, and his dick started up again from half mast.

"Let's go join the others. We're all talking about Kristanya's tits." That wasn't necessarily a lie, as Cooper was prepared to steer the conversation in that direction if he had to. He needed Dave near enough to the door to shove him through when Julian and Tim opened it, or a shorter distance to drag if he had to knock him out again.

"Awesome." Dave's fat dwarf ass jiggled as he waddled toward the door.

"Hi, Dave!" said Tim with a welcoming friendliness in his tone that Cooper was all but certain Tim had never used with anyone before, nor had Dave ever had used toward him.

Dave stopped, eyeing Julian, Tim, and the horse Tim was standing on suspiciously. "What's going on here? What are you guys up to?" He put his hands on his bare hips. "Are you trying to pick the lock?"

Tim and Julian laughed.

"No way!" said Julian. "We were just waiting for Kristanya to return, so that we could all, um... do her."

"And her friends."

Julian's overly friendly expression faltered. "Friends?"

"Cooper said she left to get some friends."

Tim narrowed his eyes at Cooper. "Did he?"

"That's right!" said Julian. "Friends! She went back to the bar to get some friends. She should be coming back any moment now."

Dave removed his helmet and started on the buckles and straps of his back and breast plates. "Why the hell are you guys still dressed?"

"We've got a bit of a problem," said Tim. "We thought you might be able to help. You see, Kristanya can't get back in here."

Dave stopped fiddling with his armor and looked up at Tim. "Why not?"

"Cooper, the big doofus, shoved a wooden peg into the keyhole so that it would look like a woman with a big dick. He accidentally snapped half of it off, and the other half is stuck in there."

"How can I help?"

"I've noticed that you've been preparing a couple of Mending spells on days when we're planning to go out drinking."

Dave nodded. "I figure Cooper's going to break something. If I can undo the damage with a Zero Level spell, it beats paying for it with our booze money."

"That's good thinking," said Julian, laying pretty heavily into his Diplomacy skill. "Do you have any of those Mending spells prepared right now?"

"Sure."

Tim stuck the half of the peg in his hand into the keyhole. "Would you mind?"

Dave reached up and touched the peg. "I mend thee!"

Tim let go of the peg. It stayed in place. Now that Tim mentioned it, it did look like a woman with a huge dick.

"Everyone's awake, I see." Kristanya had returned. She stood in front of her throne accompanied by ten more of those little demon fuckers, flapping in a cloud around her. "I wonder if ten quasits will be enough." She shrugged. "If not, there's plenty more where these came from."

"Kristanya!" cried Dave, looking at her like a fat kid looks through the window of a Dunkin Donuts. "I feared I was too late!"

"Shit," said Tim. "Cooper, grab Dave."

Cooper put Dave in a choke hold.

Dave flapped his stubby arms and croaked, "You tricked me, you bunch of fags!"

"Dude," said Cooper. "Not cool, man. The preferred term is... Shit, I forgot. Leebyjeebies or something. But the point is that we can disagree without resorting to –"

"FUCK YOU!"

Cooper nodded, tightening his hold around Dave's throat. "See, that's okay because it doesn't –"

"Why is this thing so goddamn slippery?" said Tim.

Cooper turned to Tim, who appeared to be trying to jerk off the keyhole. His form was terrible.

"Are you trying to pick the lock?" asked Kristanya. "That's adorable. Surely the sorcerer among you can tell you it's a magical lock, requiring a magical key."

Tim and Cooper glared at Julian.

Julian looked at the floor. "I supposed I could have used a Detect Magic spell."

"Quasits!" Kristanya spoke to her minions. "Sting them until they're unable to move, but do not kill them."

The horde of MiniMes swarmed forward, baring their teeth and dripping dark green beads of venom from the stingers at the ends of their tails.

"How's that peg coming?" asked Julian without taking his eyes off the quasits.

Tim was now jerking off the keyhole's dick with his shirt. "I'm working on it. Just keep those things off me."

"Don't let Dave go anywhere," said Cooper. He stepped forward on unsteady legs and tried to look like a threat that everyone should converge on at once.

"Magic Missile!" cried Julian. A bolt of energy smacked the leading quasit in the face, flipping it over backward in the air. It reoriented itself before hitting the ground, and continued its charge at Cooper.

Dave waddled forward quickly ignoring the quasits. His dick was like a succubus-seeking missile. "Kristanya!" Four quasits grabbed him, sinking their stingers into his bare meaty dwarf ass. Not the nimblest of folks to begin with, Dave tripped over his own feet and fell hard on his face. At least he appeared to have squashed one underneath him.

Cooper reasoned that if he could grab two quasits by the tail, he could both neutralize the threat they posed and use them as weapons with which to fight the remaining ones.

He failed to take into account his fucked up Dexterity score, however, and how it might affect his attempts at such a specific maneuver. The problem became clearer as he swatted and grasped at thin air.

Two quasits laughed at Cooper's feeble attempts as the other four flew past him. Swinging his arms around like a drunk asshole apparently didn't make him look as menacing as he'd hoped. The two laughing quasits latched onto his shoulders and planted their stingers in his belly.

"Son of a –" He'd braced himself for the pain, but it still hurt like a motherfucker. On the bright side, their tails were much easier to grab now that they were stationary.

Cooper pulled the stingers out of his gut and swung the wailing creatures around like living nunchuks. He swatted one of Dave's attackers right out of the air. Its scorched face suggested it was the one Julian had hit with a Magic Missile. It flopped onto the floor and didn't get back up.

"Excellent!" said Kristanya, clapping giddily as she backed up to her throne. "More, Cooper, more!"

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "Help!"

Cooper turned around to find Julian wielding the dead trial-run quasit, swinging its lifeless body wildly as he attempted to fend off the living ones. Tim, apparently confused about what he was meant to be trying to achieve, now had his face pressed against the door and appeared to be blowing the keyhole while three quasits stung him in the leg, arm and back.

Julian grabbed the tail of the quasit stinging Tim's leg while Cooper swatted away the one on his arm.

Tim flew backward off the horse and landed hard on his back, squishing the quasit underneath him. He spit out the peg and shouted, "FUCK!" He rolled over, pushed himself up, and punched the quasit in the face again and again until it crunched. "They hole's open, let's get the –"

"NO!" screamed Kristanya, so loudly that the fighting stopped on both sides. She rose from her throne, flinging half-orc shit from her fingers. It coated her thighs, ass, and tail as well. "Who would... Why..."

Dave groaned as he rolled over onto his back, cradling his junk in his hands. "I... heal... me."

Kristanya's red eyes flared up bright enough to light up the entire chamber. "I've changed my mind. Kill them all!"

The five remaining quasits grinned, delighted that they were now allowed to stop fucking around, and all flew at Cooper. He tried to dodge their attacks, but he had the reflexes of a newborn calf. Teeth and claws tore at his flesh all over his body. He felt like he was on fire.

Recalling PSAs from childhood, he did the only thing he could think of. He might not be able to fight effectively with a Dexterity score close to bottoming out, but he could fall down like a motherfucker.

He bowed his head and fell backward, crushing the three quasits on his back. Two remained on his chest, feverishly gnawing and clawing his man tits. He grabbed them by the necks, ripped them off like Band-Aids, and smashed their skulls together until their wings stopped flapping.

Kristanya advanced slowly, looking not at all concerned about her dead pets, but rather delighted at the sight of Cooper and his friends squirming around helplessly on the floor like bloody maggots.

"You worthless, ungrateful swine. I invite you into my home, offer you my body and a means to end your miserable existence, and what do you do?"

Tim squirmed closer to Julian and Cooper and whispered, "Julian, keep her distracted. I'm going for the door."

"What about Dave?" said Julian.

"We can barely move. The only hope we've got is that Ravenus rounded up a posse and they're waiting to charge in from the other side."

Julian nodded.

"And how do you return my generosity?" Kristanya continued. "You destroy my bed. You desecrate my throne. You filthy, disgusting creatures have the audacity to reject this body? Do you even know what I am?"

"You're a disgrace!" said Julian. "How can you even call yourself a temptress? Do you realize how pathetic it is to have to use magic to get someone like Cooper to let you put his dick in your mouth?"

"Ouch," said Cooper. "Harsh, but fair."

Tim swayed to his feet like he had octopus legs and steadied himself against the horse.

Kristanya stepped over her bedpost and walked past Dave, still cradling his nuts on the floor. "You know nothing of my kind, elf. I am a demon, a denizen of the Abyss, a –"

"A coward. Once we started to resist your weak-ass Charm spells, you wouldn't come near us until you'd weakened us with a horde of your minions."

"That's what minions are for, sweet Julian. Why bother getting my own hands dirty? It's much more fun to watch. And how can you call me pathetic when your little friend still persists on trying to pick a lock that he knows can't be picked?"

Tim kept trying to insert the key into the hole, but he kept missing. On the fourth try, it fell out of his hand and clinked onto the floor.

"What?" cried Kristanya. "How could you..." She reached her hand out toward the key. "You thieving little slime!"

The key began to fly toward her open hand, but Julian snatched it out of the air.

"No more games! Give me that key!" Kristanya stomped toward Julian. "How dare you steal from me, you miserable little –"

"FUCK YOU, BAT WHORE!" shouted Dave as a horn sprouted out of Kristanya's abdomen, dripping with black blood. Dave stood behind her, holding the bedpost, limp-dicked and panting heavily.

Kristanya screamed so loudly that all the candles flickered out. The only light left in the room came from her eyes, which were beginning to dim.

Cooper crawled toward her. He couldn't do much, but he might be able to bite her ankle or something.

Julian reached up and handed Tim the key, then turned to Kristanya. "Magic Miss–"

Kristanya blinked, and the room went completely dark. Julian's spell fizzled out, and the bedpost Dave was holding clattered to the floor.

"Way to go, Dave!" said Julian. "What happened?"

"I don't know what I was thinking," said Dave. "It was like I was in a trance."

"What made you snap out of it?"

Cooper snorted. "He healed himself."

Julian frowned. "A Cure Light Wounds spell can remove a Charm?"

"Of course not, dumbass. But you know how good those spells feel. Combine that with the fact that his balls were full to the point of bursting, it's pretty obvious he jizzed himself."

"I don't see how that would –"

"Think of it this way. It's three in morning, and the bar's about to close. This girl's been eyeing you all night, but you were certain you could do better. Now that you've had a few more drinks and your options are running out, she starts looking a lot better. So you're making out in the back of the cab on the way back to your apartment and you jizz your pants. No big deal, right? You've got the rest of the cab ride to build it back up, and you'll probably last a little longer. But then your look at her again with a clearer head, and you wonder what the fuck you were thinking. Jesus Christ, she knows where you live now. Are you going to have to move? Do you have to –"

"Cooper!" said Tim.

"What?"

"Shut the fuck up." Tim hopped down from the horse and pushed the door open. Dim light spilled into the chamber. "JESUS!" He hit the deck.