"FUUUUCK!" cried Tim. The bolt from his crossbow stuck out from his right foot, still trembling from the impact.

The air filled with high-pitched giggles again. When Julian looked above Cooper, Bingbong Fizzbang was gone. Even his piss stream had vanished. Cooper wiped the piss off his face.

Dave crawled over to Tim. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not fucking okay. I've got a goddamn bolt in my foot! One of those invisible shitheads pulled my trigger."

When Dave reached Tim, he whispered, "You were trying to murder one of them over a prank. What did you expect?"

"Can we skip the lecture and get on with the healing?"

Dave frowned at Tim. "I'm going to need to pull the bolt out first. It's going to hurt."

Tim took out another bolt, bit down on the shaft, then nodded at Dave.

Dave nodded back, then held Tim's leg with one hand and wrapped the other around the bolt in his foot. "On three. One." He yanked the bolt out, and blood gurgled up from the hole in Tim's foot.

"YYYNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!" cried Tim. The front and back of the bolt fell from the sides of his mouth, and he spit out the middle. "Asshole!"

"I heal thee," said Dave. Tim's foot wound closed up.

Tim took a few deep breaths, then hopped to his feet, swinging his fists in the air. "Come on! Show yourselves, you little shitheads!"

Dave sighed. "You're welcome."

Tim eventually stopped swinging and seemed to calm himself. But Julian could see bad thoughts brewing in his head.

Just as he'd done before, he hid his crossbow behind his back, reloaded it slowly and nonchalantly, then cocked it back. Something was off, though. Tim was smart enough to know that the same trick wouldn't work twice, especially if it hadn't worked the first time, and to also know that their invisible foes would now be keeping a closer eye on him.

Tim stared at a fixed point in seemingly empty air and ever so slowly moved his crossbow around to his front. His hair fluttered, and he launched a fist into the direction of the breeze.

"Ugh!" cried a high-pitched voice. It may have been the one who'd pissed on Cooper, but it was too difficult to tell from such a limited sample.

"Ha!" said Tim. "Fuck you! Take your assholery and go fuck yoursel–"

Another tiny head appeared a good twenty feet above Tim's head. This one was a woman's. Her short pink hair framed a set of crystal blue eyes. The skin around her left eye was purple and beginning to swell. Her wings, which appeared half a second after, were orange.

"Shit," said Tim. "I didn't know you were –"

The rest of her body became visible. Her clothes were made of pink rose petals, stretched taut in the middle over her conspicuously large belly. No other part of her suggested she was overweight. She held a foot-long bow, and little arrow fletchings were visible over her left shoulder.

"Fuck," said Tim.

The fairy woman glared down at Tim. She looked pissed. Whatever the gestation period was for a fairy, she looked at least eight weeks overdue.

Tim dropped to his knees and folded his hands. "I'm really sorry. I had no idea you were... But in a way, this is actually your fault."

"Tim!" snapped Julian. Tim shouldn't need a bunch of ranks in the Diplomacy skill to know better than trying to turn the blame around on a pregnant woman he'd just punched in the face.

"If you hadn't fucked with us, I wouldn't have hit you." Tim's argument sounded like it came straight out of the Domestic Abuser's Handbook.

"You were trying to shoot my manfriend," said the fairy woman. "All because we played a little prank on your friend.

"Do you mean Mr. Fizzbang?" asked Julian. It was a miracle of Diplomacy that he managed to say Mr. Fizzbang without sounding condescending. "Is he the father?" Getting her to talk about herself might take her mind off wanting to one-up Tim's move.

"Could be," said another fairy who completely materialized out of thin air. His wings were pink and his hair was blue. He wore a gown of long white orchid petals and a Fu-Manchu style mustache which was braided with his beard. "Or it could be me."

"Or me!" said a fourth fairy. He was smaller than the other three and had curly orange hair. His wings were dark blue and he wore what looked like a hula skirt made out of cosmos petals.

The other two male fairies laughed.

"Not likely, Poppin," said Bingbong. "You have pixie dust all over the inside of your skirt!"

Poppin's face turned red. "There was plenty more where that came from. You two fell asleep after seconds. I can keep Cricket satisfied for minutes."

The other two male fairies scowled as Poppin flew behind Cricket, lifted the rose petal covering her rear, and mounted her in midair.

Cricket's wings flapped into a blur while glittery fluid dripped down from under her skirt. She smiled at Julian. "Our ways are different than yours." She paused to moan as Poppin's wings nearly disappeared in their rapid flapping. "We keep no records of lineage. Pixies are all one community."

Poppin leaned in close and whispered into Cricket's ear. She nodded, then both of them vanished. The heavy breathing and buzz of flapping wings, however, remained just as audible.

"Well," said Julian, not knowing what to say in this situation. "I suppose we should be leaving now. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Congratulations on the baby."

"Bye bye, Cricket," Tim called out to the empty air. The buzz of rapidly beating wings had subsided, so there was no way to tell where any of the pixies were. He turned around and began walking east. "Have fun being a giant whore."

Julian clenched his fists in frustration but continued walking so everyone could maybe pretend Tim hadn't just said that.

"What did you call me?" said Cricket. She rematerialized ahead of Tim. Her face was livid, but a lot more sparkly than it had been just a minute ago.

Julian's heart sank. They'd been so close. It was like Tim couldn't go more than a minute without being a complete asshole, like it sustained him.

"He didn't mean that," said Julian.

"Of course I didn't," said Tim. "I was only joking. Surely, Sprinkles McJizzjar can take a joke, right? I mean, she suffered through twenty whole seconds of not having a pixie stick up her twinkle twat in order to shoot me in the foot because I couldn't take a joke, didn't she?"

The blue haired pixie made himself visible, hovering slightly lower than Cricket and to her left. "You may want to rethink your words."

"Or else what? You think I'm afraid of a few obnoxious mosquitoes? I'll take on all three of you one-handed while I stick it to the Cricket." He looked at Cricket. "What do you say, Crick? You want to see what two inches feels like? Flutter on down here and bend over. I'll show you what –"

In less than a second, Cricket raised her bow, nocked an arrow, and fired it.

Tim's hand jerked up to what looked like a cocktail toothpick sticking out of his neck. His eyes rolled up, and he collapsed to the ground and pissed his pants.

Cooper took a step toward Tim, but Cricket instantly had another arrow nocked and aimed at him.

The blue haired pixie shook his head. "I tried to warn him."

"Is he... dead?" asked Julian.

Cricket laughed and relaxed her bowstring. "Of course not, silly elf! He's only sleeping. He'll wake up in an hour or two.

Dave shrugged. "That's probably for the best. Maybe we can make it home without him shooting his mouth off."

"You have insulted us," said Cricket. "You may not return home until justice has been served."

"Tim insulted you," said Julian. "And you shot him."

"Twice," Dave added.

Julian nodded. "Has justice not already been served?"

Cricket winced, re-quivered her arrow, and held her bow out to her blue-haired friend. "Hold this for me, Zingo."

"Of course." Zingo accepted the bow, then flew two feet back, giving Cricket some room.

She put both hands on the bottom of her bulge. Julian could clearly see movement from the inside. The pixie baby must have been kicking up a storm.

"Are you okay?" asked Julian.

Zingo smiled sympathetically. "It's just the grubs. Not at all uncommon."

Cricket leaned forward and hurled out a stream of sparkly bubblegum pink vomit. "Okay, I'm better now." She wiped the last tendril from her lips, then tilted upright again. "Now what to do with you?"

"Make them fetch the Fairyfire Gem!" suggested Poppin. Julian turned around to look in the direction the voice had come from, but Poppin remained invisible.

Cricket tapped her temple. "Hmmm... I wonder if they have what it takes."

"We almost certainly don't," said Julian.

Cricket nodded resolutely. "I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Enter the Cave of Secrets and find the Fairyfire Gem. Return it to us, and you shall receive your reward."

Cooper pulled his finger out of his nose. "Reward?"

"Awesome!" said Dave. "Let's go find that gem. Cooper, grab Tim."

"How delightful that you're so eager to get started!" said Cricket. "When you have the gem, return here to the stump. Good luck!"

Julian was about to bring up the fact that they didn't have any idea where the Cave of Secrets was, but Dave grabbed his sleeve and pulled him along. "No time to waste, Julian." His tone was suspiciously demanding. Julian thought he might have more to say outside the range of pixie ears.

When the end of the meadow gave way to forest, Dave looked back. The pixies had either turned invisible or left.

"Can I speak now?" asked Julian.

"Yeah."

"How are we supposed to find the Fairyfire Gem? We didn't even ask where the Cave of Secrets was."

"Shit," said Cooper. "Nice going, Dave."

"We're not," said Dave. "We're going back to the Whore's Head Inn."

Julian thought for a moment. "So we just lied to the pixies?"

"Tim was being a huge asshole, but he was right about one thing. What can they really do about it? If they had any real leverage, they wouldn't have offered us a reward."

Julian bit his lower lip. "I suppose that makes sense."

"Conjure up some horses and let's get the hell out of here."

"Horse!" said Julian, then repeated the incantation twice more. Three horses blinked into existence, saddled up and ready to ride.

Cooper mounted the biggest horse. He held Tim's unconscious body against his chest with one hand and the reins in the other. Julian and Dave rode separately.

It wasn't a particularly dense forest, and they made pretty good time, especially considering how dark it was now. Dwarves and Half-Orcs could see in perfect darkness, so Dave and Cooper had no trouble guiding their horses. Julian, as an elf, merely had Low Light Vision, but the moon was three-quarters full and he didn't have much trouble keeping up.

"Whoa!" said Dave, stopping his horse about an hour into the ride for no obvious reason. Julian and Cooper brought their horses to a halt as well.

"What the fuck, Dave?" said Cooper. "Don't tell us you need another rest. You're literally sitting on your ass."

Dave climbed down from his horse. "I think this looks like a good place to set up camp for the night."

"Fuck setting up camp. I don't want to sleep out here. We could be back in Cardinia in two hours."

"Excellent," said Dave, walking over to Cooper's horse. He started unfastening the flap on one of the saddlebags on Cooper's horse. "I'll start setting up the tent. Why don't you two tie up the horses and get to work on building a fire?"

It was one thing for Dave to ignore Cooper, but he was doing it in such a conspicuous way that Julian wondered if something else was afoot. For one thing, they didn't have a tent. They hadn't expected to be out this long. And why would he suggest tying up the horses? They were magically-summoned horses who would obey whatever Julian commanded, and their spell duration had less than an hour to go anyway.

Julian's curiosity was further piqued when he saw what was inside the saddlebag that Dave had opened. It wasn't camping equipment. It was Tim's crossbow. Julian hopped down from his horse.

"Here, let me help you with that."

"Goddammit," said Cooper. He grabbed Tim by the back of his vest, lowered him as far as he could, and let him fall the rest of the way. "I'm gonna go take a shit." He climbed down from the horse and stepped over Tim.

"Cooper," said Dave. "Before you do that, I could use some help with this knot."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like a sailor to you? Go fuck a sheepshank."

"This is a really tight one," said Julian. "We could really use your help over here."

Cooper stopped and turned back to face them. "I'm gonna be honest, guys. This feels a little rapey."

Julian rolled his eyes. "Will you get over here and help us?"

Cooper trudged over and looked down at the saddlebag, which Julian and Dave were tugging back and forth to mimic the act of trying to untie a knot. "What the fuck are you guys doing?"

"Don't look now, but there are goblins in the two tall trees just ahead of us. I think it's an ambush."

"Huh?" Cooper looked up.

A cry rang out, presumably in Goblinese. An arrow whirred past Julian's ear. Another stuck in the throat of the horse they were next to. The horse screamed and whipped its head around.

"Goddammit, Cooper!" said Dave, taking cover behind the horse. "What's the one thing I told you not to – OOMF!" He caught two hooves in the breastplate just before two more arrows pierced the horse in the side.

The horse vanished, and the arrows, Tim's crossbow, and his quiver of bolts fell to the ground.

Guilty as it made him feel, Julian took cover behind the horse he'd ridden and squinted up into the trees. He caught a goblinoid silhouette and hoped it was enough of a target for his magic to lock onto.

"Magic Missile!" he cried, thrusting his palm out. A golden bolt of magical energy flew out of his hand, zoomed toward his target, and exploded in a shower of sparks. A goblin screamed as he fell out of the tree, then abruptly stopped screaming when he hit the ground.

Arrows were flying in from at least three different directions. Having used up three of his daily allotment of first level spells on horses, he didn't have enough Magic Missiles to make much of a difference against so many enemies.

Cooper's horse let out half a scream before vanishing.

"OW!" cried Dave, crawling back to get Tim's crossbow with an arrow sticking out of his ass.

"I'm really angry!" said Cooper. Goblins shrieked and barked at each other as Cooper's body inflated to half again its normal size.

The rain of arrows shifted almost exclusively to Cooper as he ran for the nearest goblin-occupied tree. He got hit at least four or five times that Julian could see, but he hardly seemed to notice as he jumped to grab two of the lower branches and pull himself up.

Arrows still fired at him from other trees, but the rain falling straight down stopped as the goblin ambushers scrambled to higher branches.

Dave leveled Tim's crossbow up at a different tree and pulled the trigger. One more goblin dropped down with a bolt in its throat. If that hadn't killed him, landing on his head from that high up certainly finished the job.

Julian rooted through his bag, searching frantically for a scroll he could use. He tossed a Ventriloquism scroll aside, seeing no immediately obvious use for it. Then a Mount scroll. No need to slaughter any more horses just yet. He tossed a Glitterdust scroll into the beginning of a 'Maybe' pile, then chided himself for not organizing his scrolls better.

Finally, he found a Web scroll. He hated to use up a Level 2 scroll on a bunch of goblins. They were so expensive and time-consuming to produce.

Two arrow fletchings suddenly appeared on his horse's back, and Julian felt a searing pain in his right upper arm.

"Son of a –" The rest of his scrolls fell to the ground as a third arrow struck his horse. It vanished like a popped soap bubble. Julian looked up to find the tree where it had come from. "Fuck it." He read the incantation on the scroll. "Web!"

Globs of sticky white fluid sprayed out of his fingertips, like each of his fingers was Spiderman's dick, until the arrows stopped flying and goblins squirmed in what looked like a god's money shot on Mother Nature.

Goblin screams rained down from Cooper's tree, as did the occasional goblin, as Cooper climbed further up after the last few stragglers.

"YAAAAAAA!" cried Tim. He'd been hit in the leg. Hell of a thing to wake up to. He bolted upright and looked at his leg. "Holy shit!"

Dave turned to the direction the arrow had come from, aimed Tim's crossbow, and plugged another goblin. "Calm down," he said to Tim.

"Don't tell me to calm down! Who the fuck are –"

Dave punched Tim in the face. That must have been satisfying. He looked like he'd wanted to do that all day.

Julian grabbed a bow and a quiver of arrows from one of the fallen goblins. It was small, like wielding a toy, but proved effective in helping Dave weed out the few remaining attackers who hadn't yet died or bailed.

With a loud crack, an equally loud "FUCK!", and five or six goblin screams, the top third of Cooper's tree snapped off and came crashing to the ground.

The stillness of the night following the crash was once again broken by a prolonged fart as Cooper's Barbarian Rage subsided. "I'm okay."

"What are those things?" said Tim, rubbing the bridge of his nose where Dave had punched him and looking horrified at the dead goblin nearest him on the ground.

Dave looked down at the goblin and grimaced. "I'm not sure. Warts? Boils? Maybe scars from a rough puberty?"

"Guys," said Julian. "Help me take out the ones in the web." Dave set Tim's crossbow down in front of Tim and grabbed a goblin bow. He and Julian shot every squirming lump of web until there was no more movement in the tree.

Dave looked back at Tim, who still hadn't touched the crossbow. "Thanks for the help."

Tim stared at Dave, his eyes wide with terror. "W-w-what the hell is going on here?"

"Dude, relax. You just woke up and you're freaking out a little."

"Stop telling me to relax! I've got a goddamn arrow in my leg!"

Dave rolled his eyes. "Geez Louise, like that's the first time that's ever happened." He plucked the arrow out of Tim's leg.

"OW!" cried Tim. "Mother fu–"

Dave clapped his hand over Tim's mouth. "Keep your voice down. I heal thee."

Tim's eyes rolled up, and his head swayed loose from Dave's grip.

"Whoa. That feels amazing. What did you..." His eyes became alert again as he felt his leg where the arrow had struck him. "It's healed! How did you – Jesus Christ!" Tim pointed at Cooper emerging from the fallen tree. "There's another one! Shoot it! Shoot it!"

"Hey, fuck you," said Cooper.

Julian squatted down in front of an increasingly terrified Tim. "Are you okay?"

"Where am I?" said Tim. "How did I get here? Who are you people? Shit! Who am I?" He looked down at his feet. "Why are my feet so hairy?" He looked at his hand, then felt his face. "What the fuck am I?"

Dave closed his eyes and sighed through his nose. "Those sons of bitches."

"Who?" asked Julian.

"The pixies. That arrow they hit Tim with did more than put him to sleep. It erased his memory."

Julian thought about it. It seemed plausible, but not so obvious as to be the only possibility. "How do you know? Maybe he lost his memory when you punched him in the face."

"No." Dave turned to Tim. "Sorry about that, by the way."

Tim stared back at him, petrified and speechless.

"They told us to find the Fairyfire Gem, but then they just let us go. They knew we'd have to come back."

"If that was the case, then why wouldn't they tell us about the memory loss from the beginning?" Julian knew the answer as soon as he finished the question.

"Because they're dicks," said Dave.

"Shit," said Cooper. Tim crawled away from Cooper and cowered behind Dave.

Julian smiled at Tim. "There's nothing to be afraid of. That's just Cooper."

"He's been your best friend since first grade," said Dave.

Tim backed away from all of them. "None of this makes any sense. You people aren't human. It's like I'm in a world I don't belong in."

"You're not wrong," said Julian. "You're from Mississippi."

A glint of recognition shone in Tim's eyes. "Mississippi," he said slowly to himself. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "You said something about... the Pixies?"

"Yes!" Julian was more excited than was probably appropriate that Tim's memory might be brought back via his favorite band.

"Who are they?"

"The Pixies are an alternative rock band from Massachusetts."

"Massachusetts."

Julian tried to jog his memory a little more with some of their better-known songs. "Debaser, Here Comes Your Man, Where Is My Mind?"

"Dude," said Cooper. "I don't think –"

"Shut up!" said Julian. "It's coming back to him."

Tim opened his eyes. "And this alternative rock band from Massachusetts… they erased my memory?"

Julian sighed. "No. That was done by actual pixies, as in the mythological fairy creatures."

"You see, that's the part I don't get. You even describe them as 'mythological creatures', and yet you claim we've had real physical interaction with them. That doesn't make any sense."

"I know this is a lot to take in right now, but you have to trust us. We were all playing a fantasy game, and the Game Master made us roll these magical dice. Like, for real magical. Next thing we knew, we were inside the fantasy game, in the bodies of our fantasy characters. We've been trying to figure out a way to get back to the real world ever since."

"So hang on." Tim ran his fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp. "Let me see if I've got this straight." He looked up at Julian. "What you're saying is... I'm a fucking nerd?"

Dave frowned. "Is that really the most difficult part of this for you to believe?"

"Of course it is," said Tim. "The rest of it is all here in my face. I'm obviously not in my own body. The arrow that hit me hurt like a son of a bitch, so that rules out dreaming. This guy's got those long ass ears, and that guy's a fucking monster. And you! You healed my arrow wound with some kind of magical sorcery shit. If this is a hoax, then fucking bravo. You got me."

"Actually," said Julian. "Dave healed you with clerical magic. I'm the sorcerer." He cast a small Prestidigitation spell as a demonstration and created the illusion of a glowing solar system above his head, with planets revolving around the central sun and moons orbiting planets. It was pretty impressive.

"Holy shit!" said Tim in wide-eyed fascination. "That's incredible!"

"Thank you."

Tim pursed his lips. "Except you've got Jupiter and Saturn in the wrong order, and Uranus has too many moons and horizontal rings."

Cooper snorted. "Somebody needs to learn how to wipe."

"You guys have magic. The big guy's obviously some kind of warrior type. What about me? Do I have any special powers?"

Julian and Dave exchanged a glance, then looked back at Tim.

"You're sneaky," said Julian.

"Sneaky?"

"Yeah. Really quiet, and you can hide really well."

"My fantasy power is being good at Hide-and-Seek?"

"It's more useful than you might –"

"Hey!" shouted Tim, his attention suddenly focused elsewhere. He jogged and waved his arms. "Go away! Shoo!"

Ravenus had his beak in a goblin's ocular cavity. He jerked his head up and slurped back the optic nerve as Tim got close. "I'm sorry. Were you going to eat that?"

Tim froze in his tracks. "Holy shit! I can talk to animals!" He got down on one knee. "Hello, bird. What's your name?"

Ravenus ruffled his feathers. Julian could sense his annoyance. "You know I can't understand you when you talk like that."

Tim looked back at Julian. "What's it talking about?"

"This is Ravenus, my familiar. He can only speak the Elven tongue."

"It sounded like English to me."

"In game terms, it's English with a British accent."

"So he doesn't understand American English?"

"Correct."

Tim thought for a moment. "Seriously?"

Julian nodded.

"That sounds... I don't know, what's the word? Dumb?"

"It is what it is," said Dave. "We need to decide what we're going to do about tonight. If we head back to the pixie meadow now, we might make it back there around midnight, but sleeping in a meadow might be more comfortable and less dangerous than sleeping in this goblin-infested forest. On the other hand, if we set up camp right here, Julian could prepare his spells and summon up some more horses, so we wouldn't have to walk."

"I vote we walk back there now," said Julian. "Who knows what we'll have to face in the Cave of Secrets? If we sleep in the meadow, I can prepare my spells there in the morning and we won't have to waste any of them on Mount spells."

Nobody wanted to walk anymore, but everyone agreed it was the wiser decision. The trek back to the meadow took about four times as long as the journey from it had taken. Not only were they forced to walk from lack of horses, but they were forced to walk at the speed of Dave, which sucked.

Fortunately, the journey was uneventful, and they made it back to the meadow exhausted, but alive.

"At least I can get my helmet back," said Dave when they reached the hole. "I hope Cooper's fart has dissipated by now." He lowered himself into the hole, holding some clumps of grass at the edge, then let himself slide down the remaining two feet. "Not too bad." He picked up his helmet. "Cooper, could you give me a hand?"

"How about a refill instead?" Cooper squatted next to the hole and let rip a fart that quieted the nearby frogs and crickets.

Tim's jaw dropped. "Why would you do that?"

"I have a low Charisma score. It gives me gas."

"That wasn't just gas, asshole!" said Dave, wiping specks of shit off his face. He angrily shoved his helmet back on.

Tim put his hands on his hips and glared at Cooper. "Your Charisma score didn't force you to shart on your friend. That was a purely mean-spirited act, and you should apologize right now."

Dave stopped coughing on fart and stared quizzically up out of the hole.

Cooper stuck out his lower lip, turned around, and lowered his hand down to Dave. "Sorry, Dave."

While Cooper was helping Dave out of the hole, Julian looked up at the stars. "Should be a clear night. Anyone want to take watch while I prepare my spells?"

Cooper yawned. "I'm pretty beat from tearing that tree down."

"I'll do it," said Dave.

"Uh-uh," said Tim. "You get your rest. You've had a long day." He smiled. "Besides, I had a nap earlier."

Dave's lips quivered like he was trying to remember how to make words. "Thank you," he finally said.

When Cooper and Dave started snoring, Tim looked at Julian.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to get a little sleep before you work on your spells or whatever?"

"Elves don't sleep," said Julian. "But I need to meditate for four hours in order to ready my mind."

"Neat," said Tim. "Well don't let me keep you."

Julian sat cross-legged on the ground, hands on his knees. As his mind began to clear, he heard Tim whistling. He couldn't make out a tune. It was like Tim was whistling just for the sheer joy of whistlinng.

Four hours later, he came out of his trance with his mind feeling nice and refreshed. He looked around. The first hint of light in the eastern sky revealed the silhouettes of the trees. Dave and Cooper were still sleeping. Ravenus was still nestled under his serape. Tim was sitting on the ground, his back to Julian, fiddling with something that Julian couldn't see.

"Everything go okay?" asked Julian.

"Huh?" Tim shoved whatever he was fooling with into his backpack, then turned around to face Julian. "Oh yeah, no problems at all. Has it been four hours already?"

Julian nodded. "So what did you do?"

Tim shrugged. "Nothing much. Stared up at the stars mostly, thinking about what kind of constellations the people around here might recognize. That sort of thing."

"Oh, okay. You should probably get some sleep now. We don't know what we're going to have to face in the morning."

Tim lay on the grass with his head on his backpack. "Goodnight."

When Tim started snoring, Julian was really tempted to see what was inside Tim's backpack. He resisted the urge, as it was a clear breach of trust. But he kept coming back to Tim's suspicious behavior. Alone, in the dark, his recently cleared mind began to fill with imaginary scenarios. What if that arrow did more than put him to sleep and erase his memory? What if it was some kind of mind control?

Julian forced himself to focus on preparing his mind to wield the coming day's allotment of spells. Tim couldn't do any harm while he was asleep. The others would wake up before him. He could tell them what he saw and discuss how to handle it while Tim was still sleeping.

It was a long wait, but finally, Cooper yawned and scratched his balls. He and Dave stood, stretched, and trudged over to the hole. Dave took a piss and Cooper squatted down for a dump.

Julian turned away, but couldn't shield his sensitive elf ears to the sound.


It sounded a lot more substantial than the previous night's shart.

"Jesus," said Dave. "I'm glad I wasn't down there for that one."

When Cooper and Dave had finished their business, Julian beckoned them over.

"What's going on?" asked Dave.

"Something weird is going on with Tim," Julian whispered.

"Aside from the memory loss thing?"

"When I came out of my trance last night, he was sitting with his back to me. I couldn't see what he was doing, but he was definitely doing something. When I spoke to him, he shoved something into his bag really quickly, like he didn't want me to see it."

"He was whacking it to a titty mag," said Cooper. "Give him some fucking privacy."

"There aren't any titty mags in this world."

Cooper scratched his armpit. "That's true. Now I'm suspicious."

Julian looked at Dave. "You're the wise one. What do you think?"

"I don't know. Could be something. Could be nothing."

"Whoa," said Cooper. "That is some Confucius level shit right there."

Dave gave Cooper the finger. "I've got to go pray for my spells. Keep an eye on Tim until I get back."

The wait was excruciating. Cooper whiled the hour away watching Ravenus tear into his kills from yesterday. Julian watched Tim, sleeping like a child without a worry in the world.

When Dave returned from his prayer, he, Julian, and Cooper decided that it would be best to wait until Tim woke up and confront him honestly about the situation. It wasn't that they didn't trust him. It was more a matter of that they didn't know the degree to which his mind had been messed with.

They were all staring at him when he finally woke up.

"Good morning," said Tim, squinting up at them. "What's up?"

"Tim," said Julian. "I hate to have to ask you this, but I saw you shove something into your bag last night, and we need to know what it is." He braced himself for a big Fuck you and stood ready to jump out of the way if Tim decided to try and pee on him as a response instead.

"It was meant to be a surprise." Tim opened his backpack. "I wanted to wait until everyone was awake." He pulled out a wreath of brightly-colored wildflowers woven together by the stems. "It's a friendship necklace." He offered it to Julian.

Julian felt like a complete dick as he slipped Tim's gift over his head. "Thank you."

Tim handed friendship necklaces to Dave and Cooper as well.

"This is beautiful," said Dave, donning his gift.

Tim put on the necklace he'd made for himself. "I really appreciate you guys coming all the way back here just for me. I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble."

Dave wiped a tear from his eye and hugged Tim. "It's no trouble at all. Thank you."

Tim hugged him back. "Thank you for saving my life yesterday."

"Jesus," said Cooper, holding his necklace out like he'd just pulled it out of a clogged toilet. "We need to get that Fairyfucker Gem right now."

Julian glared at Cooper.

Cooper groaned but put on his friendship necklace. "Thank you so much," he said like he was reading it from a teleprompter. "I'll cherish this gift forever."

Tim rubbed his hands together like he was eager to start a brand new day. "Now what?"

"That's a good question," said Julian. "How do we find the Cave of Secrets?"

To his left, he heard a tiny bell ringing.

"What was that?" asked Tim, his eyes wide and his voice a little shaky.

"It must be the pixies." Julian called out in the direction he heard the bell. "Yes?"

The bell rang again.

"Maybe we're supposed to follow the sound?" suggested Dave.

Julian called out, "Are we supposed to follow the bell?"

The bell rang a little louder.

"Come on." Julian started walking toward the bell, and the others followed. "You talked to us yesterday. We could save some time if you'd just talk to us again instead of this bell-ringing nonsense."

Dave, usually the slowest one in the group, was walking beside Julian. Cooper and Tim were lagging behind, Cooper three knuckles deep into his left nostril, and Tim stalking through the tall grass like a kitten, but with a crossbow.

"They're just messing with us some more," said Dave. "There's no reason for them not to talk to us. The bell thing is just a bit of theatrics. Makes it more mysterious and scary for us."

The ringing bell eventually led them into the forest.

"How long of a walk is this?" asked Julian. "Should we have brought torches? How big is the Fairyfire Gem?" He hoped that, by asking enough questions, he might be able to annoy the pixies to reveal themselves and offer something in the way of a straight explanation.

Eventually, the bell stopped ringing altogether, and Julian feared he might have pissed off Cricket again.

"Look!" said Tim, running ahead. He crouched next to a long slender leaf resting in the forks of a sapling. There were words on the leaf, written in what looked like glitter glue.

"Cave... of... Secrets," Tim read the sign aloud. "What is this?" He ran his pinky finger along the leaf.

"Tim!" said Dave. "No!" But not soon enough.

Tim had already touched his fingertip to his tongue. "Something's coming back to me. I think it's a memory."

"Have you ever blown a pixie?" asked Cooper.

"It's so close," said Tim. "On the tip of my tongue."

Julian heard faint giggling high above his head. He looked up. "I can hear you, you know!"

Tim shut his eyes and frowned in thought. "It's almost there."

"Maybe it's best to just let this one stay buried," said Cooper. "I'm, like, ninety-nine percent sure that's pixie splooge."

Tim snapped his fingers. "Cinnabon!"

Cooper nodded. "That's in line with what their piss tastes like."

"Do you remember anything else?" asked Julian. It would be nice and ironic if their semen triggered an avalanche of memory, and they could just go back to the city now instead of looking for the Fairyfire Gem.

Tim shook his head. "Just Cinnabon."

Dave sighed. "The pointy end of the leaf is pointing that way, but I don't see any cave."

Julian noticed two trees unlike any other in the forest. They were thick and gnarled like oaks, but their bark was grey and the leaves were all a deep autumnal red. Every other tree in the forest had healthy green summer leaves. They were also in the same general direction as where the sign was pointing.

The little bell rang again, this time farther away, and from the other side of those strange trees.

"Guys!" said Dave. "This way!" He waddle-ran between the two red-leafed trees, then fell through solid ground. "Fuuuuuck!"

Though he'd disappeared into the ground, Dave's voice was clearly audible as it continued to grunt and swear, and his armor banged repeatedly on stone. He sounded like he was falling down a flight of stairs.

Julian followed the route Dave had taken between the trees, but he stepped more carefully when he got close to where Dave disappeared. "Dave?"

"I'm down here," Dave called back. "The opening is about a foot and a half in front of you."

Julian inched forward, looking for some kind of clue, or a seam between the real and illusory ground. Just ahead of him, he saw an ant disappear and guessed that the fake ground began there.

"A little more," said Dave. "Almost there."

Feeling more confident, Julian took a larger step. Just as he'd suspected it would, his foot went through the ground and touched solid stone six inches lower. Knowing the illusion was there, he could now see through it, all the way down to Dave at the bottom of the stairs.

Julian stayed where he was and motioned for Cooper and Tim to follow. He guided them through the illusory patch of ground and safely into the underground tunnel.

"This is the Cave of Secrets?" said Cooper. "It smells like the Cave of Ass."

It required a pretty offensive odor for Cooper to rightfully complain, but he was not exaggerating. This cave was clearly no secret to every animal in the forest who'd ever needed to take a dump. Looking around, Julian couldn't see any shit smeared over the rough granite walls, or turds lying in their path on the smoother granite floor, but the stench was overpowering.

Barring any magically-hidden doors or secret passages, there was only one way to go, so they followed the cave straight forward.

"I'm scared," Tim whispered to Julian.

Julian was scared too, but he put on a brave face for Tim. "Here, hold up your crossbow." When Tim did so, Julian touched the bolt loaded in it. "Light." The bolt glowed, bathing the cave walls in a soft white light.

"Whoa!" said Tim. "That's wicked awesome! Is this a magical weapon now?"

"Only insofar as it glows. It won't do any more damage than a regular bolt, but it could be useful if we need to get a look at something really far away."

Cooper and Dave were about fifty feet ahead of them now since they could both see just fine in complete darkness. When Julian and Tim caught up, they found Dave and Cooper staring at a polished section of wall. It was so smooth that Julian could almost make out his reflection, except for two places. Near the ceiling, a three-foot-wide pair of rough granite lips protruded out, as if the rest of the wall had been chiseled and polished six inches back solely for this effect. And two feet off the ground, a simple mitten-shaped symbol had been carved into the otherwise smooth wall.

The floor of the tunnel beyond them was covered in square tiles, each a foot across, and engraved with a single capital letter. Ten tiles across and ten deep, the letters seemed to have been placed arbitrarily.

"What does it say?" asked Cooper. Illiteracy was a Barbarian class trait.

"It doesn't say anything," said Julian, studying the layout of the letters. He searched for words horizontal, vertical, or diagonal. He didn't see anything except for the occasional inconsequential two letter word like IF, AS, or BE. He looked down at Tim. "Do you see anything?"

Tim shook his head and shrugged. Memory or no memory, he still had the highest Intelligence score in the group. If he couldn't spot anything, they were in trouble.

"What about this stuff on the wall?" asked Dave. He looked up at the granite lips. "Hello?"

"Get back," said Cooper, reaching under his loincloth. "I'm gonna take a whiz in the mouth."

"No you're not," said Julian. "Put that away!"

Dave placed his hand inside the mitten-shaped symbol.

The lips started moving and spoke in a deep booming voice.

"IF YOU DESIRE TO CONTINUE, IT SHALL REQUIRE THE KNOWLEDGE WITHIN YOU."

Julian cringed. That was some terrible rhyming.

"HE WHO HAND-SHAPED SYMBOL PRESSED, MUST ALONE COMPLETE THE TEST."

Somehow, it managed to get even worse.

"PLACE YOUR FEET UPON THE SQUARES, AND SPELL THE NAME OF THE GOD OF BEARS."

"The god of bears?" said Dave. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Are bears religious in this world?" asked Tim.

Julian shook his head. "They're just normal animals, except for dire bears, which are just bigger.

"Werebears might be religious," said Dave. "At least some of them."

"But do they have a particular god that they worship?"

Dave shrugged.

"Let's work backwards," said Julian. "We'll take the gods we know, and see if we can find any possible connection to bears. Dave, you're the cleric. Name off some gods."

"Um..." Dave's failure to know the name of a single god was less than encouraging.

"Guys!" said Tim, his gaze darting among the letters on the floor. "I think I've got it!"

"Bullshit," said Dave. "You don't even know your own name. How would you know the name for some possibly non-existent fantasy world bear god?"

"Hear me out."

"I'm listening, but you'd better have something good. I'm the one whose ass is on the line for this."

Tim pointed at a tile in the row nearest them. "U." Then he pointed to a tile on the next row, two columns to the right. "R." The third-row tile was five columns to the left, which would be a tricky jump for Dave. "S." The fourth tile was directly behind the third. "A."

Dave stroked his beard. "Ursa?"

"That's right," said Tim. "Then you skip a row and hop over to that M on the sixth row." He quickly pointed out the rest of the path. "A, J, O, R."

"Ursa Major," said Dave, nodding slowly.

"Who the fuck is Ursa Major?" asked Cooper.

"It's Latin for "Big Bear," said Tim. "It's a constellation, also commonly known as the Big Dipper."

Cooper snorted. "I thought that was Dave's mom's favorite –" A severe look from Tim shut him up.

Tim held up a flower on his necklace. "What are these?"

"Flowers?"

Tim narrowed his eyes. "Cooper?"

"Friendship necklaces."

"And how do friends treat friends?"

Cooper pursed his lips, searching for the answer Tim wanted. "With respect?"

Tim nodded. "Very good. Do you have anything you'd like to say to Dave?"

Cooper sighed. "Sorry, Dave."

"Very good." Tim turned to Dave. "Now, what do you think about Ursa Major?"

"I have to agree with you. It's a giant celestial bear, right? What else could it be?" Dave smiled at Tim. "Good work, buddy."

Tim gave him a grin and a thumbs up.

Dave took a few deep breaths, rubbed his hands together, and stepped on the tile engraved with the letter U. His foot went straight through it.

"Fuck!" cried Dave as he fell forward. His whole body once again disappeared through an illusory floor. This time, however, he landed with a splat. Whatever he'd landed on, at least it sounded soft and not too deep.

"WRONG!" bellowed the mouth on the wall. As the echo died down, a loud buzzing sound filled the foul cave air.

"Ow!" said Cooper. "What the –"

"BEES!" cried Tim.

They were everywhere. Half an inch long, yellow, and angry as hell. While Julian, Tim, and Cooper slapped each other, Dave rose out of the floor. His entire front side, from his face to where his breastplate met the fake tiled floor, was slathered in shit.

"What the hell are you guys – OW!" He slapped the back of his neck. "Shit! Bees!" He dropped back into the floor.

It was difficult to say what caused more damage, the bees or the slapping. But by the time they were done, they were all covered in welts and bruises. More than a hundred dead bees lay at their feet.

Dave's shit-caked face poked up out of the floor again. "Are they gone?"

"Yeah," said Julian. "I think we got most of them."

Dave climbed out the other side of the pit. "It was a trick question. We were right the first time. There is no god of bears. The whole floor is an illusion. Whatever letter you step on, you just fall into a big shit pit."

"And attacked by bees." Tim shined his crossbow light around. "Where did they come from?" There didn't appear to be any cracks or holes in the wall.

Cooper tossed Tim to the other side of the pit, where he landed gracefully on his feet. Then he hopped down into the pit and carried Julian across.

Still unsure what perils they might have to face further into the Cave of Secrets, Dave used his healing magic sparingly, giving the others a Zero-Level healing spell. It was enough to take the edge off all the bee stings.

They walked deeper into the cave for about fifteen minutes before reaching another polished section of wall, complete with the lips up top and the mitten symbol down low. Just beyond it stood three clay jugs, each about half as tall and twice as wide as Tim, and each with a different shape painted on the side. The first, a blue triangle. The second, a red square. The third, a yellow circle.

Beyond the jugs was a closed wooden door with five shapes painted on it. A purple oval, an orange five-pointed star, a green hexagon, a blue diamond, and a blue triangle.

"This looks like another puzzle," said Tim. He looked up at Julian. "You seem really smart. You should probably be the one to activate the mouth."

Julian smiled. "That's very nice of you, but you're the smartest one here, according to our Intelligence scores."

"But I screwed up the last one."

"It was still a lot better than anything any of us came up with."

Tim sighed and put his hand in the mitten shape. "I'll do my best."

"ON THE FLOOR THREE JARS YOU SEE. CHOOSE THE ONE WHICH HAS THE KEY."

That wasn't too bad.

"COMPLETE THE PATTERN ON THE DOOR. IF YOU FAIL, YOU'LL LIVE NO MORE."

Julian shook his head. He'd given credit too soon.

"BEYOND THE DOOR LIES WHAT YOU SEEK. OPEN IT, YOU MUST, TO TAKE A PEEK."

"Enough already," said Julian. "That last line was not only terrible, but it added absolutely nothing."

Dave stared hard at the shapes painted on the door. "I'm not seeing much of a pattern at all. The shapes are all different, and all but the last two are different colors."

"That's it!" cried Tim. "The pattern is a movement from chaos to order. Like primitive life forming in the oceans. These first three symbols represent eons of nothing happening. But once those first protein strings or amino acids or whatever got going, as represented by these last two symbols in a shift toward order, the progress was exponential. The jar with the key is obviously the one with the blue triangle."

Cooper picked up the jar with the blue triangle and jiggled it. "I didn't understand any of that shit you just said, but I don't hear any keys in here."

Tim grinned. "They probably attached it to the stopper or something. They wouldn't let you solve the puzzle by shaking the jugs."

"Knock yourself out." Cooper handed the jug down to Tim, who then pulled out the wooden stopper.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" cried Tim as a million angry bees exploded out through the mouth of the jug, which fell out of his hands and shattered on the floor.

"More bees?" said Dave, waving his arms around ineffectively as several bees got themselves stuck in the shit in his beard.

"They're everywhere!" Tim's bare feet crushed broken shards of pottery from the jug he'd just dropped. "Find the key! Open another jug!"

"Which one?" asked Cooper.

"Either one! When we get through the door we can close the bees behind us."

Cooper grabbed the jug with the yellow circle, then pulled out the stopper.

"Son of a bitch!" he cried as a torrent of bees flew out.

Julian pulled his serape around tightly to keep Ravenus protected. "Cooper! Put the stopper back in the –"

"Fuck you, bees!" shouted Cooper as he hurled the jug at the wall, doubling the density of bees in the air.

He grabbed the jug with the red square, the last one, and pulled out the stopper. He really shouldn't have been as surprised as he was when a bunch of bees flew out.

"What the fuck is with all the goddamn bees?" He flung the jug at the door. But this time, instead of shattering, it simply vanished.

Half a second later, Julian heard the expected shatter beyond the door.

"It's an illusion!" he said, charging through the swarm, then through the false door.

Tim followed, then Cooper, then finally Dave. The only bees which followed were the ones stuck in Dave's beard, but that was at least two dozen.

This part of the cave was also swarming with bees, thanks to the shattered jug that Cooper had accidentally thrown through the door, but it wasn't nearly as dense as the other side.

Tim's magically illuminated crossbow wasn't necessary here. They had reached the end of the Cave of Secrets. At the far end of the cave, beyond four marble steps, the Fairyfire Gem glowed bright pink and orange from the top of a white marble dais.

Of course, between them and the gem, there was another polished section of wall with a set of lips and a mitten print.

Once they'd swatted or been stung by most of the bees that were flying around, Dave cast a proper Cure Light Wounds spell on everyone. The pain subsided, but the welts still itched.

Dave scratched his arm and neck. "Nothing I can do about the itching. The spell just brings up our Hit Points. It doesn't do anything about the bee venom in our bodies."

Julian looked at his own arms. They looked like he had shingles, and they itched something terrible. "Let's just get this over with. Who wants to do the honors?"

After a few seconds of nobody volunteering, he sighed. "Fine, I'll do it." He walked over to the wall and put his hand in the mitten shape.

"CONGRATULATIONS ARE NOW DUE. YOU'VE PASSED THE TESTS, SO GOOD FOR YOU."

Julian closed his eyes and shook his head.

"WE HOPE THAT YOU'VE ENJOYED THE JOURNEY. PERHAPS, SOMEDAY, YOU WILL RETURNY."

Honestly, the bees were less painful than listening to this.

"YOUR HEART IS PURE, YOUR MIND IS WISE. GO FORTH NOW AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE."

"What a bunch of horseshit," said Julian. "I hope those pixies appreciate this thing." He walked up the steps before the dais.

The Fairyfire gem was about as big around as a baseball. Its radiance was nearly blinding up close. Julian reached out and felt for any sign of heat, but there was no appreciable change in temperature when his hand got close to it. He tapped it quickly with one finger, then held his finger on it. It felt like glass, neither hot nor cold nor shooting lightning bolts.

Satisfied that it wasn't dangerous to touch, Julian grabbed it. When he pulled it toward him, he was surprised to feel resistance.


[ TWANG ]

[ SMASH ]

[ BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ]

Instead of being one solid block of milky white glass, the dais was actually composed of thin sheets, hollow on the inside. Hollow, that was, except for the million gazillion goddamn bees that flew out of its shattered remains.

Startled, he dropped the Fairyfire gem, lost his balance, and fell forward off the stairs. He hugged Ravenus close to his chest and braced himself to hit the stone floor littered with shards of broken glass. He was pleasantly surprised to land on something soft and crunchy instead. It was pleasant, at least, until he remembered that he was at the epicenter of a hellswarm of bees.

He flailed his arms and legs wildly, hoping that he'd fend off enough so that his friends could kill the rest before he got stung to death. But the more he flailed, the more he soaked himself in some kind of sticky sweet fluid.

Whatever he'd landed on wasn't just soft and crunchy. It was also really sticky.

"Julian!" cried Tim, Dave, and Cooper. What the hell did they want? Could they not see that he was busy right now?

"What?" he shouted back at them.

"You're in the hives!" said Tim.

Judging by the clear full sentence Tim had just uttered, Julian guessed that the rest of them were relatively safe from the bee attack. Julian, on the other hand, was the one destroying their home, and the one receiving the full wrath of the swarm.

His body was burning with the pricks of thousands of stingers. He wasn't going to survive this for long.

"Horse!" he cried, then spat out three or four bees.

It must be disconcerting enough to be suddenly called into existence out of the ether under the best of circumstances. In the middle of a swarm of pissed-off bees was not the best of circumstances, and the horse reacted appropriately, bucking, screaming, stomping, and doing considerably more damage to the hive than Julian was. So much so, in fact, that Julian was able to open his eyes and rifle through his bag.

He teased out a scroll. Mage Hand. He tried to toss it away, but it was stuck to his hands with honey. No time to try to salvage it. He wiped it from his hand on a chunk of hive and went for another scroll. Ventriloquism. Shit! Two ruined Magic Missiles later, he found what he was looking for.

"Web!" he shouted.

Sticky white fluid sprayed out of his fingers in every direction, engulfing the last twenty feet of the Cave of Secrets in strands of what looked like magical jizz.

The buzzing stopped as every bee in the swarm was caught in the dripping fibers of Julian's splooge web.

His horse didn't appear to share the same relief that Julian felt. It bucked and kicked even harder, not being able to rationalize that immobility was preferable to being stung to death by bees.

"Julian?" called Cooper. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I cast a Web spell." Julian's face was so swollen that he sounded like he was talking with a mouthful of marshmallows.

"Oh, sweet. I thought you might have exploded, and this is what the inside of an elf looks like."

"Can one of you guys light this on fire?"

"I beg your pardon, sir?" said Ravenus, peeking out from Julian's serape.

"Just stay under my serape. You'll be fine."

"I'm not so worried about me, sir. I mean, I am, but I'm more concerned about you. You're aware that fire is very dangerous, are you not?"

From their inaction, Julian sensed his friends were similarly concerned, so he answered Ravenus loudly enough for everyone to be able to hear. "It'll just be a flash of flame, consuming the web quickly, and hopefully killing all of the bees. I've got enough Hit Points to survive it."

"It's going to hurt," said Dave.

"I've got a protective honey coating. Hurry up before the spell duration runs out."

Julian heard the clink and scrape of flint and steel and started to second-guess the wisdom of asking to be set on fire. Then came the crackle of ignited web, then the woosh of spreading flame. Exploding bees sounded like microwave popcorn. Finally, he felt the warmth of the flame rushing his way. It washed over him in a wave of intense heat. It hurt quite a bit, like being boiled in glue, but it also kind of scratched that bee sting itch.

Tim rushed over, his steps marked by crunching charred bees. "Julian! Are you okay?"

"Dave," Julian croaked out through his parched throat.

"I've got you, buddy." Dave placed a finger on Julian's forehead.

"Ow," said Julian.

"I heal thee!"

Julian must have looked like shit because Dave used up one of his good spells. Even the itching from the bee stings was gone. The fire must have burnt the venom out of his skin.

Dave and Cooper helped Julian to his feet.

"Do you have the Fairyfire gem?" asked Dave.

Julian looked down at all the broken glass. "I dropped it. I don't think it was a gem at all. It was hooked to something that shattered the dais when I pulled it."

"This whole cave felt like kind of a sham," said Dave. "The riddles were stupid, and they didn't have any right answers. Whatever choice we made, it all just led to us getting attacked by bees."

Cooper scratched the welts on his ass. "As far as dungeon traps go, those kind of sucked. I mean, it wasn't fun getting stung by a bunch of bees, but any asshole with a beekeeper's outfit could have gone in and swiped the Fairyfire gem any time they wanted."

"How are living bees even sustainable for a dungeon trap?" asked Tim. "I mean, how long can bees survive in a jar?"

Stifled giggling came from above.

"Hey!" said Tim, pointing his crossbow up at the cave ceiling. "Who's up there?"

Julian put his hand on Tim's crossbow and forced it down. "Those are the pixies." He glared up at the ceiling. "Have you been with us this whole time?"

The stifled giggling turned into open laughter.

"How could they be... so stupid?"

"The little one's face... when he opened the jar!"

"Or the fat one, when he fell into the shit pit!"

Julian folded his arms. "This was all a big prank? We could have been seriously hurt."

"We may have overdone it with the bees there at the end." The disembodied pixie voice giggled. "But the looks on your faces!"

"You should apologize to Zingo," said Cricket.

"Fuck Zingo," said Cooper. "Why should we apologize to any of you?"

"Zingo worked very hard on those riddles. You hurt his –" Cricket gasped. "Oh, dear gods, what's that?"

Dave looked up. "What's wrong with –"

A gush of clear sparkly slime washed over his face.

"My water broke!" cried Cricket. "It's happening!"

"But you're not due for another two weeks," said one of the male pixies.

Cricket was breathing heavily. "Do you want to argue with them?"

"Hurry!" said another one of the males. "We must get her to the birthing pool at once!"

Julian felt a small gust of wind as if the pixies all flew by at once.

"Hey!" he called after them. "What about Tim's memory?" He ran after them, back through the illusory door. It was pitch dark, and the air was abuzz with the sound of bees. But at least they sounded a little more chill than they had been before.

He felt around on the floor for a shard of broken jar, but he found one of the wooden stoppers. Even better. "Light."

The stopper glowed, illuminating the cave, and Julian resumed his chase.

"Fuckin' bees!" said Cooper a moment later as he followed after Julian with Tim hot on his heels. Dave's armor clanked distantly behind them.

Julian opened his serape as he ran. "Ravenus, I need you to look for a nearby pool of water. When you find it, circle overhead."

Ravenus nodded. "Very good, sir. Can do!"

Julian made a running leap over the shit pit, ran up the stairs and out of the Cave of Secrets, then set Ravenus free. "Hurry!"

As Ravenus flapped off in search of the birthing pool, Cooper and Tim raced up the stairs.

"Fuck!" cried Dave from down inside the Cave of Secrets.

A few moments later, Dave trudged up the stairs, his entire front caked in a fresh layer of shit.

Cooper snorted. "Been going down on your mom again, Dave?"

Tim glared up at him, holding up a flower on his necklace.

"Sorry, Dave," Cooper said with a sigh. "That was an unkind thing to say."

Tim nodded, then turned his attention to Dave. "Are you okay?"

Dave scraped some shit off his face. "I got Cricket's amniotic fluid in my eyes. My vision is all blurry and glittery. I was following you guys mostly by sound, and I didn't see the shit pit."

Tim smiled at Dave. "Don't you worry. As soon as we get my memory back, we'll head back to town and get you all cleaned up."

"Thanks, man. I appreciate that."

A loud caw sounded from about quarter of a mile southeast.

"It's Ravenus!" said Julian. "I think he found them." He ran off in the direction of his familiar's call.

The land sloped down a little steeply, so Julian went from tree to tree, breaking his momentum so that he didn't lose control.

He spotted the pool before he thought to look up for Ravenus. Cricket and her three manfriends were visible. Cricket lay at the edge of a pool of crystal-clear water, her wings flat against the ground and her feet resting in forked twigs.

"I know you're busy right now," said Julian once he reached the pool. "But you had your fun with us, and my friend needs his memory back."

"Yes, yes," Zingo snapped back at him. "We'll get to that in a moment!"

"I'm sorry," Julian explained. "I don't mean to be rude about this, but we don't have a lot of reason to trust you. You've done nothing but lie to us and play juvenile –"

"SHII–III–I–II–IIIT!" Dave's extended cry was interrupted by bumps and roots as he barreled down the side of the hill like Donkey Kong had just thrown him.

Julian did his best Mario impression by jumping out of the way as Dave rolled past and splashed into the pool, which immediately started turning brown.

The pixies all gasped.

"You clumsy, dimwitted oaf!" cried Cricket. "Do you know what you've done?"

Dave crawled out of the pool. Chunks of shit slid off his armor and into the water. "I'm okay. Thanks for asking."

"You stupid, filthy brute!"

"Now wait just a minute!" said Tim, stopping himself just short of falling into the pool of murky shitwater. "That's my friend you're talking to."

"Your friend just ruined my birthing pool!"

"This isn't his fault. He only chased you down here because he was trying to get my memory, which you stole from me. That's what friends do." He held a flower on his necklace and looked at Dave. "Right, buddy?"

Dave found one of the flowers on his necklace with the least amount of shit on it. "That's right."

Cricket's lower lip quivered, and glittery tears streamed down her cheeks. "If my babies aren't cleaned immediately in the purest spring water, their wings won't develop properly, and they'll never be able to fly."

Dave placed his right hand in the pool. "I purify thee."

The water turned clear instantaneously. Even Dave's hand was shiny clean where it had been submerged in the water. The distinct line separating cleanliness from filth on his wrist was remarkable.

"Whoa!" said Tim, his eyes and mouth wide open in amazement at Dave's crappy Zero-Level spell.

Dave gave him a wide grin and a shiny clean thumbs up.

Cricket groaned loudly and pounded the earth with her tiny pixie fists. "They're coming!"

Julian didn't know the proper etiquette for witnessing a stranger give birth. He didn't want to gawk, but neither did he want to appear disinterested. He sat down on the ground and settled for casually looking in that general direction. Cooper sat next to him, openly gawking.

Dave let Cricket squeeze a finger on his clean hand while her manfriends talked her through the process.

Tim put a hand on Julian and Cooper's shoulders. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Cooper grimaced. "It looks pretty fucking gross from where I'm sitting."

After a few moments of tense silence, save for Cricket's groans and heavy breathing, a cry rang out in the still forest air. It sounded like a cross between a human child and a cicada.

Tim ran around the pool to get a look at the baby. Julian walked after him.

Zingo cradled the screaming child in his arms.

"Let me see!" said Tim. "Let me see!"

Rocking it gently back and forth, Zingo turned around. Julian's heart nearly stopped when he saw the thing. It was a green slime-covered caterpillar, about the size of a banana. It had a hundred or more little grabby legs, round black eyes like a shark, and a mouth like a collection of animated garden tools.

"It's..." He stopped himself, knowing that even with his Charisma bonus and ranks in the Bluff skill, calling this thing adorable was going to be a hard sell. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Too early to tell," said Zingo. "That's not determinable until after metamorphosis."

"Can I hold it?" asked Tim excitedly.

"Of course you can." Zingo handed the massive grub over to Tim. "In fact, why don't you do the honors and cleanse it in the pool?"

"That is an honor." Tim took a knee next to the pool, dunked the pixie baby under the water, then pulled it back out. It was now free of slime, but no less horrifying to look at.

"Next one!" cried Cricket. She squeezed Dave's finger as Poppin stood ready to assist with delivery.

By the time she finally let herself rest, Cricket had squeezed out four healthy, screaming larvae.

Ravenus peeked out from under Julian's serape. "What's all this noise?" He sniffed the air. "Ooh, what's that smell?"

Julian frowned. "Afterbirth?"

"Delicious! Oh look, grubs!" Ravenus started to climb out, but Julian sensed his sudden hunger at the sight of Cricket's newborn children. He grabbed Ravenus around the beak and shoved him back down under his serape.

"Sorry, Ravenus. Not this time."

Cricket was sitting up against a tree trunk, gazing down lovingly at the little monstrosity she'd just given birth to, cradled in her arms. She looked up at Bingbong Fizzbang and nodded.

Bingbong flew over to their small pile of belongings, picked up a silver hip flask which was comically large for him, yet a little small compared to what Tim normally carried. He brought it over to Tim.

"This is for you."

Tim smiled. "Thank you, sir. But I think it's a little early in the day for that."

Dave choked back a sob as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

Tim looked at Dave. "Hey, man. What's wrong?"

Dave sniffled and held up a flower from his friendship necklace. "I'm gonna miss you."

"This is a potion that will restore your memory," Bingbong explained. "We appreciate you and your friends' assistance in the birth of our children."

Tim shifted the baby he was holding to one arm and accepted the potion. "Well they're just beautiful. Congratulations. I'm deeply honored to have been a part of it." He raised the flask. "To the miracle of life!" He tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and gulped down the contents greedily.

When it was done, Tim breathed out a long sigh and opened his eyes.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS THIS THING?" He pushed the baby away from him. It splashed down into the birthing pool.

Bingbong gasped, then dove down to retrieve it.

"Tim!" said Dave. "That's their baby!"

"Well how the fuck was I supposed to know that? What the hell am I supposed to think when I wake up to some locust-faced maggot monster staring back at me?" He looked around. "Hang on a sec. How long have I been out? Why are we still hanging around with these fucking bug people?" He looked at Dave. "Why are you covered in shit?" He looked at Julian, Cooper, then down at himself. "What's with the flowers? Are we at a fucking luau?" He yanked off his friendship necklace and tossed it into the birthing pool.

From the look on Dave's face, one might think Tim had just yanked out his heart.

"We should be on our way now," said Julian before the pixies decided to wipe all their memories, or just outright murder them.

When they reached the clearing, Julian noticed Dave staring despondently at the wildflowers.

"You okay?"

"Oh yeah, sure," said Dave. He had neither the Charisma nor the ranks in Bluff to sell the lie. "Totally fine. I was just thinking about how gross that birth was, right?"

Julian nodded. "It was unusual, that's for sure."

"What's the matter, Dave?" said Cooper. "It's not like you've never seen giant maggots crawling out of your mom's cooch before."

"Ha!" said Tim. "Nice one, Coop."

Dave's sad eyes looked even sadder.

Cooper picked up Tim and put him up on his shoulders. "It's good to have you back, man. I missed you."

Tim shook his head as they passed the levitating stump over Dave's treasure hole. "God, I need a fucking drink."