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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've searched high and low for my brother's killer | but nobody is willing to do it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan. | They give credit where credit is dew. Edit: typo. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a thief and a comedian? | At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift | they said "VR ready" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A 89 year old man visits his doctor | "Hey Doc, I am really concerned. I am together with this beautiful 21 year old, and to satisfy her in bed I have to take my Viagra pills. You'd ought to think that I am no longer capable of breeding given my age, but somehow my girlfriend just got pregnant. How can that be?". "Let me tell you a little story." the doctor said. "Once upon a time there was a hunter who was going out hunting. In a hurry he managed to grab his umbrella instead of his rifle. When he found his prey, a deer, he took the shot just as he realised he had brought his umbrella instead. Still, the deer fell and died. How could that be?" The doctor asked. "Well, it's obvious. Someone else took the shot!" The man explained. "My point exactly". Edit: Formatting |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock. | So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" | Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't black people go on cruises? | They're not falling for that one again! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. | They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A government employee sat in his office | A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I did some shrugs in the gym. | After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. | "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A busload of politicians were driving down a country road | A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A muslim walks into US | Just kidding |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cowboy walks into a bar | A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife... | An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife and is claiming temporary insanity as a defense. He is on the stand and is asked to describe the crime in his own words. "Your Honor, I am a quiet, peaceful man who never bothers anyone. For the last twenty years, I get up at eight every morning, have breakfast at eight thirty, arrive at work at nine, leave work at five thirty, find dinner on the table, and spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Every day, awake at eight, breakfast at eight thirty, work at nine, home at five thirty, dinner on the table at six. Until the day in question -" and he pauses here, noticeably upset. The lawyer asks him to continue. He takes a deep breath and starts again: "On the day in question, I woke at eight, had breakfast at eight thirty, was at work at nine, finished at five thirty. But when I came home there was no dinner on the table and no sign of my wife. I went up to the bedroom and found her in bed with a strange man. So I killed her." The lawyer asks: "And what were your emotions at that time?" "I was furious. Enraged. Frenzied even. Completely unable to control what happened. Gentlemen of the jury, when I come home at six o'clock, supper HAS to be on the table" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? | The Polar Bear... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money. | I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the Triceratops die out? | Because they couldn't find any Tricerabottoms. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo | Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat. So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one. For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the "human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention of the crowd once again, he climbed over his enclosure and swung himself from the net ceiling over the lions den beside his enclosure. A large crowd gathered as they watched in terror and suspense. Suddenly, the zookeeper lost his grip and fell straight down on the floor of the lions den. He started crying for help when suddenly a lion pounced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "Shut the fuck up! You're gonna get us both fired." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand | Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Before my Girlfriend moved in I had one night stand... | Things are getting pretty serious, we now have two night stands. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do feminists hate the postal service? | Because they deliver straight white mail. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife messed with my charging cable... | I was shocked. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017 | but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the difference between M&Ms and America? | M&M got rid of the tan ones years ago |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the green man lives in the green house, the red man lives in the red house and the blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the white house? | The orange man |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? | They are making headlines. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dad told me about the birds and the bees today... | Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one earthquake say to the other? | Was that your fault or mine? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Every cheese joke I know | What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror? Halloumi What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of a cave? Camembert What type of cheese is made backwards? Edam Which cheese doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? All that was left was de-brie Why did the cheese monger fall over? He only had one Stilton How does the cheese monger cut the cheese? Caerphilly. What type of cheese can you use to hide a horse? Mascapone |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta | Now it's a Ford Focus |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the scarecrow win an award? | He was outstanding in his field 😂 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Trumps favorite movie? | Minority Report! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donald Trump always has his partner be on top during sex. | Because he can only fuck up. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Our son was a by-product of a raunchy night in the back of a car. | With one very open-minded taxi driver. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to the local store and I asked... | "How much for a dead battery?" I asked. He responded, to my delight. No charge. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a stripper do with her asshole everyday before work? | Drops him off at band practice |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Teacher asks students to use incompletely in a sentence | A teacher asked the students to use incompletely in a sentence. One student raises her hand and says " my homework is incomplete". The teacher says " close but I said to use incompletely". Little johnny raises his hand but knowing little johnnys tendencies the teacher was afraid to call on him. Nobody else raised their hand so the teacher calls on johnny. Little johnny replies " when my balls hit her asshole I know I'm in completely." Appalled by the answer she sends johnny to the principal. She then asks to use the word handsome in a sentence. Little Susie raises her hand and the teacher calls on her. Susie says " when I blow johnny my mouth gets sore so I have to use my hand some." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little April was not the best student in..... | Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How I learned to mind my own business: | I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13.....13." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14....14...14." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of bagel can fly? | A plain bagel. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. | Because mine is full of pricks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I once dated a biologist. | I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3 | - Breakfast - Lunch - Dinner |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Birds for sale... | All of them are going cheap! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Give it to me! Give it to me! I'm so wet!" She screamed. | "No," I replied, "it's my umbrella." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Double Negatives | ...are no-nos. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and..... | A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't people like communists? | Because they have no class |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man was driving along the coast of California on his motorcycle, just enjoying the scenery around him. | After a long period of cruising and reflecting, the sky opened up, and God Almighty descended to meet him. "You have been a most faithful follower, my son. You have lived a good life, and for that I would like to grant you any wish." The man looked at God and pondered for a few moments before replying. "I wish for you to build a driving bridge from California across the ocean, so that all may better appreciate the beauty of your dominion." God shook his head and looked down upon the man. "Do you not think this is too material of a wish? You could wish for something that betters all of mankind, you could end hunger or war. I will give you one more chance to pick." The man, ashamed of his material choice, took his time before replying with his true wish. "God, I wish that men would be able to unravel and understand all of the mysteries of women, so that we may better communicate and get a long." God looked intently at the man before replying. "One lane or two?“ |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Our local brothel just went out of business... all they left us was a sign in the window... | Said "Beat it... we're closed" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? | Am I a kitchen or an exit? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck? | There is a human being inside of Donald Duck. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I called my son "a bloody disappointment to this family", and my wife burst into tears | Apparently I shouldn't joke about miscarriage. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible | I didn't even know it was her birthday! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I didn't understand why Obama had to give speeches behind bulletproof glass, | I mean he's black and all but I doubt he would have shot anyone. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a four letter word pertaining to females ending in -unt? | Aunt! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents | Blonde: Oh by the way I´m pregnant Parents (simultaneously): You´re WHAT!?! Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I´m not even sure it´s mine |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Elephant Never Forgets | In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. I guess it wasn't the same elephant. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the fastest thing on land? | Stevie Wonder's speedboat |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A father was sitting at the table with his two daughters | Petal and Fridge. Petal said, "Dad, why is my name Petal?" Her dad answered, "Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born." Then Fridge said, "HUURRGRRUWAHGUWAAAAAH!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips | but my penis |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone | A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Big explosion at the cheese factory earlier.... | There was de brie everywhere. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection | So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in." True stories can be jokes too.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There is a movie about premature ejaculation | Coming Soon, now in theaters. EDIT: Just let me try again changing a couple of words EDIT 2: I swear this is the first time that this has happened |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do Donald Trump and Gordon Ramsay have in common? | They both have a cabinet full of potatoes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I think my wife has a blind fetish... | Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head | DiCapritation |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like military puns | Generally, they're very funny. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral | But not my Sister. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone stole my mood ring... | I'm not sure how I feel about that.... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ | It's a piece of cardboard. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified | Especially when it's written in Braille. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate those cocky Russian Nesting dolls | They are always full of themselves |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' | Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A video of a groundbreaking bowler goes viral | He still had to pay to fix the bowling lane though |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | At the disco: | "So whats a cute girl like you doing all by herself?" "I had to fart" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | And the Lord said onto John... "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" | But John came fifth, and got a toaster... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two fish swim into a concrete wall | One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Reddit is a really green community, | ...considering all the recycled content on here. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Mexican Midget? | A paragraph because he's too short to be an ese |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man named Eric Cole... | ... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man with 2 extra testicles removed them himself with a knife without anaesthesia | Doing that takes some balls |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Irish cop and an English lawyer | London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? " |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? | It's a little meteor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Expensive perfume | A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've done jail time for my love of fruit.. | I'm a convicted grapist. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tobacco companies kill their best customers | And condom companies kill their future customers. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys? | Because he was... shellfish. hahahaha |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Forrest Gump's password? | 1forrest1 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was asked how I view lesbian relationships | Apparently 'in HD' isn't the correct answer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Shortest joke a software developer can tell: | “I’ll be ready soon.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a couple gets into bed | As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week | Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A detective shows up at a crime scene | A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective. The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?" "Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective. "I heard that there's been a lot of thieves running around town lately." said the officer. "Sure has." the detective said. "But this one takes the cake." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jack,"Our relationship is over." | Jane,"Our relationship is what? Over." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Hand me downs" | Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wanna hear a joke about paper? | Never mind. It's tearable |
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