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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are there no cats on mars? | Curiosity |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the PowerPoint cross the road? | To get to the other slide. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Life is a lot like chess | You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead. And most people want to be white. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list | A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just wanted a drink. | Stopped at Speedway to buy a drink. When I pulled in, I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I'm thinking, "Wow...what an idiot! The police are standing right there!" I go in and get my drink. As I was paying, I hear someone scream, "Look outside!" OMG!! The woman's arm was on fire!!! She's running around like a chicken with its head cut off, waving her arm around and just going nuts. We all went outside and watched the cops put her on the ground and put the fire out with an extinguisher. After all the craziness, I start walking to my car and I see the cops put her in handcuffs. The guy next to me is like, "What the heck?!?" (I, of course, stick around because it looks like the guy is a jerk and I want to see what is going to happen next.) He asked the cops, "What in the world are you arresting her for? After all, wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough?" I kid you not...the cop looked him dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Rumour has it Eminem has converted to Islam. | From now on, he will call himself "Muslim Shady." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My daughter just told me she's infertile. | "That's a great joke," I said. "I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A little boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog... | He goes up to the man at the counter and say "excuse me sir, I'd like a woman please." The man replies "sorry son, but you're much too young." So the little boy puts a hundred dollar bill on the counter. And the man says "okay go to room 4." The the little boy says "wait I need a woman with active herpes." The man says "sorry all our girls are clean." The boy puts another hundred dollar bill on the counter. The says "okay go to room 2." So the little boy goes to the room with the prostitute and his dead frog, is in there for twenty minutes then comes out and goes to leave. But the man, full of curiosity cannot resist asking the boy "why did you want herpes and what's with the dead frog?" The little boy replies "when I go home I will have sex with the babysitter, giving her the herpes. Then when my dad drives her home, she will give it to him. Then when my parents have sex tonight, he will give it to my mom. And when my father goes to work in the morning my mom will give it to the pool boy and he's the BASTARD THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot | When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... | You have my Word. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children... | A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," the doctor observed. To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... | Black Fridays Matter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An atheist is walking alone in the woods | When a bear appears and starts running towards the man. The man closes his eyes and screams "Oh God help me". He opens his eyes again and the bear is standing still with his paws only inches from his face, the bear is not moving at all, almost like time stood still. A loud voice is heard from the sky. - God: Why are you calling on me now? You never believed in me before. - Man: Help me this bear is going to eat me. - God: Sorry I can not help you I only help Christian's. - Man: Well, make me a Christian then. - God: You do not have enough faith to be a Christian, even this bear has more faith than you. - Man: Please, can you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Suddenly the bear starts to move again. The bear lowers both of its paws towards it's chest and puts them together. The man can hear the bear say under it's breath "Dear God thank you for this food you have provided for me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" | First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black." A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY just shit my pants!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm going to post a joke I hope it dosen't get | [deleted] |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A masochist and a sadist are doing their thing… | The masochist says: "Hit me" and the sadist answers: "no…" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the math book say to the literature book? | You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A happy 80 year old man goes to see his doctor | Doctor: Why are you so happy? Old Man: My 19 year old wife is pregnant! Can you believe it?! Doctor: Wow, that great news! You know, I have a story to tell you. Old Man: Go ahead Doctor: I once had a friend. He would go hunting every weekend. One day he forgot to bring his gun. He brought his umbrella instead. Old Man: Ok... Doctor: He then saw a bear. Not knowing what to do, he opened the umbrella, and poof, the bear died. Old Man: How's that possible? You can't kill a bear with an umbrella Doctor: Exactly. Somebody else must've shot the bear. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde woman wants to buy a Tv | On a saturdayafternoon a blonde her tv stopped working so, she had to buy a new one ofcourse. Once in the store she searched for the perfect television. Once she had found one she called an employee and said: *''I'd like to buy this television, please"* The employee answered: *''sorry miss I don't sell my goods to blonde women, please leave my store."* She left angrily but still in need for a television so she went back, but with a black wig on. Back in the store she went to the tv she wanted and asked the employee again: *''Sir, I would like to buy this television, please could you help me carrying it? ''* He replied *''miss, I already told you that I won't sell my goods to blonde women. Just leave my shop now, please''* She ripped off her wig and yelled **HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW I'M BLONDE?! MY WIG COVERED IT UP PERFECTLY** The man replies calm to her *''Because the thing you want to buy isn't a tv it's a fucking microwave''* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS? | Acting surprised. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A monk is allowed to say only two words every year | Per his oath of silence, a monk is only allowed to say two words every year. After his first year, he comes before the head abbot to speak his two words. "Better Food." The head abbot understands and obliges the monk, hiring a new chef and improving the food quality at the monastery. A year later, the monk appears to speak his next two words. "Warmer Blankets." The head abbot gets right on it and purchases new blankets for the monk. The next year, the monk appears once again for his annual two words. "I quit." The head abbot replies, "Well good, all you've done since you got here is complain." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Christian is out on the ocean when his boat capsizes... | He immediately starts praying. After half an hour a boat pulls up. "Hey! Need some help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off. After another hour another boat pulls up. "Hey there! Need any help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off. After a grueling two hours treading water, a third boat pulls up. "You need some help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the third boat moves along. Hours pass. Too tired to tread water anymore, the Christian sinks and drowns. Standing at the gates to heaven, God shows up to let him in. "God! Why didn't you save me?!" God just shakes his head, "I sent you three damn boats! What more do you want?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of ships can't go in salt water? | Snail-boats |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. | That's what most Christians do anyways. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. | There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar with his dog | A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does NASCAR really stand for? | Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife and her twin were standing next to each other in the kitchen | Well, long story short, I grabbed the wrong butt and my brother in law was not amused |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the opposite of critical thinking? | Critical theory. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man and his camel | There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got back on. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert, the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want!" The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished, the three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr?" After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Young Brunette Goes into the Doctor's Office | A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible" says the doctor, "show me". She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde". She says "Yes, doctor". "I thought so." the doctor says, then continues: "Your finger is broken". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What part of your hand is the most salty? | The NaCls |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Its best to put your phone on some rice when its wet | Asian people will come at night and fix it |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over. | A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the cop says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Communism jokes are not funny | Unless everyone gets them |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? | Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 2 cactuses are talking to each other | One of them asks the other, "Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?" To which he responds, "yeah it's easy, they always say ouch!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a wine loving horse? | Chardon-neigh. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... | i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Muslim enters the United States | Oh sorry thought it was still 2016. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are? | Blackheads. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | David received a parrot for his birthday | The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What was Tigger doing in the toilet? | Looking for Pooh |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. | It was a suspended sentence |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cowboy is captured by a Native American tribe. | The chief approaches the cowboy and tells him, "Your people have encroached upon our lands and killed our brothers, We may kill you in retribution. But we are generous. We will offer you one request per day for the next three days. Choose wisely. What is your first request?" The cowboy thinks for a moment and asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy whispers something into its ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful blond on its back. She dismounts the horse and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the second day, the chief approaches the cowboy and says, "White man. You have two requests remaining. Think not of carnal desires but of how you might redeem yourself. What is your second request? Again the cowboy asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy again whispers something into the horse's ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful red-head on its back. The red-head dismounts and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the third day, The chief again approaches the cowboy and says, "White man, today is your final request. Choose wisely. You may yet redeem yourself." Without hesitation, the cowboy asks for his horse one more time. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy grabs it by both of its ears, looks it in its eyes and yells, "POSSE, GODDAMNIT. BRING THE POSSE!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Muslims in the U.S.A | [Removed] |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have a Chinese friend with really bad internet | His name is Hai Ping |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the scarecrow receive an award? | It was outstanding in his field. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... | ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So what do you all think of the new House of Cards? | I have to say that whole plot twist with Trump becoming the new president was quite unexpected. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? | None. It fell down the stairs. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night... | ... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... | Then *soviet!* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money | But now the bills are all stuck together |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A English teacher says to a African student.. | "okay you're doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence" the student replies "ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves | They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's always I before E | Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... | When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights? | And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | McDonalds is releasing a new Japanese fish sandwich. | It will be called The Real Mc Koi. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? | Sneakers |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? | Make me one with everything. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Just found out I was dating a commie | Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Letter to a madman | Inside a hospice, a madman approaches the others with a blank paper, examining it with attention. The other crazy people can not resist curiosity and ask: _ What is it? The crazy one with the letter, responds _ A letter from my brother Even for the other crazy people, that was too absurd. _ But the letter is blank. The madman responds serenely _ We do not talk anymore |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | having sex for pleasure | Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An undercover manatee ambushed a bunch of elves guarding a pot of gold | “Aye! What creature art thouest?” the elves inquired. The manatee responded in a kinky way, “Aye, I am the undercover manatee who goes by the name Agent O.” The elves again inquired, “Are you here to steal our pot of gold?!” “No,” responded Agent O, again in a kinky way, “I am here to steal the rainbow leading into the pot of gold.” A bit confused, the elves asked the manatee, “But why are you here to steal our rainbow which beautifies our pot of Gold?!” “Because,” Agent O responded, this time in the kinkiest of fashions, “The skin of my kind is gray and colorless. The colors of this rainbow will be applied to our skin, thus making our skin beautiful and appealing.” Alas, the kinky manatee stole the rainbow, and placed gently the rainbow into his burlap sack. “The colors are mine!” Agent O shouted as he leaped into the river. As he swam away, the elves pitter pattered over to the riverbank. Understandably distraught, the elves began squealing, and cried out in highest pitch of voices, “O, the Hue Manateeeee!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. | Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'", the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!", says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Husband: "I have good news and bad news" | Wife: "Tell me the bad news first." Husband: "The washing machine broke." Wife: "And the good news?" Husband: "The dogs are clean." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman goes to movies with her newborn son. | The kid starts crying and keeps crying for 10-15 minutes. Frustrated, a man screams :" damnit woman, put a boob in the kid's mouth. " Angered by the remark, the woman's husband stands up and starts lecturing the guy in the dark about how he is a awful human being and doesn't know how to behave with woman. The man screams again :" put one in his mouth too. " |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. | A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just enlisted my kids into the Navy. | Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pregnant prostitute visits her Doctor... | The Doctor asks, "do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies, "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall? | Who cares, they'll get over it.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Never trust a stairwell. | Every time you turn around, it's a new story! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Trump deports all the Mexicans | Who's going to build the wall? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So my wife thinks I'm really annoying... | but we tried anal for the first time the other day so now I'm really a pain in her ass. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman meets a man... | A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The man responds, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome? | God doesn't punish anyone twice. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wouldn't bother making a joke about an infinite line | No point. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights... | ...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I finally got one over. | The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How long do owls live? | Six and a half books. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One of life's greatest pleasures is watching your wedding video backwards... | It starts off with lots of sex in a far flung exotic country. Then you move on to a massive party, surrounded by your family and your best friends, getting drunk and having a great time. Then you take off that ring, walk back down the aisle, leave the church, and go back to the pub with your friends after which an easy, stress-free, happy life awaits you. Bliss. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what they say about people with big feet... | You could easily get a part-time job as a clown |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.... | In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a basement full of progressives? | A whine cellar. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a blind dinosaur? | A "Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus" How do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus Rex |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Muslim walks into the U.S | Just kidding |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I feel like I have nobody to talk to... | I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Fastfood | Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A father and his 6-year-old...... | A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My teacher pointed at me with...... | My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “at the end of this ruler is and idiot!” I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest is giving a nun a ride home after mass one day... | As they come to a stoplight the priest rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun says "Father remember Luke 14:10", and the priest removes his hand from her knee. A little while later they come to a stop again and he places his hand on her thigh, she again says "Father remember Luke 14:10", he quickly removes his hand. He doesn't try this again, after dropping her off he heads home and picks up his bible and flips to Luke 14:10 and it says, "Friend, move up to a better place" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot. | "Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her. She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo" "But numbers can" I smirked. "2/10. Bitch." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction | Go fuck yourself |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. | So I just packed my bags and right. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife was choking at dinner, so I flipped her over the table, pulled her knickers down and stuck my tongue up her arse. | The shock made her spit out the obstruction and breathe again. Thank god I knew the hind-lick manoeuvre! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | President Trump! What about the aliens from space? | We need a ROOF! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A poor little boy writes a letter to Santa | A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa: "Dear Santa, I'm very poor and I don't have much. My dad passed away last year and my mom doesn't spend much time with me as she's usually very tired after drinking wine. I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plenty of fancy toys last year, but I don't care for these. However, I wish you could bring me a hat, a scarf and a pair of gloves, so I could go out and play with my friends in the snow. That would be the most beautiful day of my life. With love, Johnny". A post office employee intercepts the letter, reads if, and is moved by the little kid's story. She decides to go around the office and collect some money to buy little Johnny the gift he's been dreaming of. After chasing everyone in the office, she manages to gather $13... $14... $15. After work, she goes to a little shop nearby to buy the hat, scarf and gloves. Unfortunately, she only has enough money for a hat and a scarf. Oh well, that should do just fine. She wraps the gift, attaches a letter with it "Dear Johnny, here is the gift you've asked me for. Enjoy the company of your friends on this very special day. Your friend, Santa", and sends it to the kid. She feels great - a little kid's dream has been achieved thanks to her and her colleagues from the post office. One week later, she intercepts another letter from the kid addressed to Santa, and is excited to read about the kid's wonderful Christmas Day: "Dear Santa. I received your gift, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I couldn't go out and play with my friends and had to stay home with my mom (she gets pretty mean after two bottles of wine), because there were only a hat and a scarf in the box (no gloves), and my mom wouldn't let me go out without a pair of gloves. It's probably those fuckers from the post office who stole the gloves. Love, Johnny" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What are they going to use to build the wall? | The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president. |
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