unformated_scripts/Script_Adaptation.txt

     ADAPTATION                byCharlie Kaufman and Donald Kaufman       adapted from the book      THE ORCHID THIEF                by           Susan Orlean                                     September 24, 1999                                          Second DraftEXT. ROCKY TERRAIN - DAYEndless barren landscape. No sign of life. The atmosphereis hazy, toxic-looking. Volcanoes erupt. Meteors bombard.Lightning strikes, concussing murky pools of water. Silence.INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNINGSUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CA, FOUR BILLION AND FORTY YEARS LATERBeamed ceilings and ostentatious fireplace. A few birthdaycards on the mantel, two of them identical: "To Our Dear Sonon His Fortieth Birthday." Charlie Kaufman, a fat, baldingman in a purple sweater with tags still attached, paces theroom. His incantational voice-over carpets the scene.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I am old. I am fat. I am bald. My          toenails have turned strange. I am          repulsive. How repulsive? I don't know          for I suffer from a condition called Body          Dysmorphic Disorder. I am fat, but am I          as fat as I think? My therapist says no,          but people lie. I believe others call me          Fatty behind my back. Or Fatso. Or,          facetiously, Slim. But I also believe          this is simply my own perverted form of          self-aggrandizement, that no one really          talks about me at all. What possible          interest is an old, bald, fat man to          anyone? I am repulsive. I have never          lived. I blame myself. I --EXT. STATE ROAD 29 - DAWNA lonely two-lane highway cutting through swampland.                    BRITISH NARRATOR          As natural selection works solely by and          for the good of each being, all corporeal          and mental endowments will tend to          progress towards perfection.Suddenly, a beat-up white van barrels around a curve.   It'sfollowed closely by an old green Ford.SUBTITLE: STATE ROAD 29, FLORIDA, FIVE YEARS EARLIERINT. WHITE VAN - CONTINUOUSJohn Laroche drives. He's a skinny man with no front teeth.The van is piled with bags of potting soil, gardening junk.A Writings of Charles Darwin audio cassette case is on theseat next to Laroche.                                                  (CONTINUED)                                                              2.CONTINUED:                    BRITISH NARRATOR          It is interesting to contemplate an          entangled bank, clothed with many plants          of many kinds, with birds singing...Laroche tries to contemplate the plants and birds whizzingby. Almost too late, he spots the Fakahatchee Strand StatePreserve sign and makes a squealing right onto the dirt roadturn-off. The cassette case flies from the seat and half-buries itself in an open bag of peat.INT. GREEN FORD - CONTINUOUSNirvana blasts. Russell, Vinson, and Randy, three youngIndian men, pass a joint and watch the erratic van ahead.                    RUSSELL          Laroche is asleep at the wheel.                    RANDY          Crazy White Man is now Drowsy White Man.They share a stoned laugh.EXT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHTSUBTITLE: NEW YORK, TWO YEARS LATERLate night street. The click-click of typing. We moveslowly up the building to the only glowing window.                    ORLEAN (O.S.)              (wistful)          John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a          stick, pale-eyed, slouch-shouldered and          sharply handsome despite the fact that he          is missing all his front teeth.In the window, lit by a single desk lamp, a woman types.INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSWe glide over the desk piled with books about orchids, past aphoto of Laroche tacked to an overwhelmed bulletin board, andcome to rest on a woman typing. It's Susan Orlean: pale,delicate and blond. We lose ourselves in her melancholybeauty. She turns to the camera and talks to us.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              3.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN          Two years ago I went to Florida to meet          Laroche after reading a small article          about a white man and three Seminole men          arrested with rare orchids they'd stolen          out of a place called the...INT. RANGER'S TRUCK - MID-MORNINGTony, a ranger, drives along a dirt road past the FakahatcheeStrand State Preserve sign and enters the swamp. He sees thewhite van and Ford parked ahead, spots a Seminole licenseplate on the Ford. He pulls over down the road, and whispersinto his C.B.                    TONY          We got a Seminole, or Seminoles, in the          swamp. I'm on Janes Scenic Drive just          east of Logging Road Twelve. I repeat,          Indians in the swamp.Tony waits for a response.   Nothing.                    TONY (cont'd)          Indians in the swamp.Nothing still.   Tony clears his throat into the radio.                    RADIO VOICE          I don't know what you want me to say.                    TONY          Barry, Indians do not go on swamp walks.          If there are Indians in the swamp, they          are in there for a reason.No response. Tony glowers, gets out of the truck, watchesthe vehicles through binoculars. Nothing. He straightenshis cap. Mosquitoes land on his neck, his nose, his lips.INT. L.A. BUSINESS LUNCH RESTAURANT - MIDDAYKaufman, wearing his purple sweater sans tags, sits withValerie, an attractive woman in wire-rim glasses. They pickat salads. Kaufman steals glances at her lips, her hair, herbreasts. She looks up at him. He blanches, looks away.                     KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I'm old.   I'm bald. I'm repulsive.                    VALERIE          We think you're just great.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                                 4.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN              (with studied modesty)          Oh, thank you.Valerie absently rubs her nose.      Kaufman self-consciouslyrubs his nose in response.                       VALERIE             And we're thrilled you're interested.Valerie rubs her nose again. Kaufman pulls at his nostril.A rivulet of sweat slides down his forehead. Valerie watchesit. Kaufman sees her watching it. She sees him seeing herwatching it. She looks at her salad. He quickly swabs.                       KAUFMAN             Oh, thanks, wow. That's nice to hear.                       VALERIE             You have a really unique voice.                       KAUFMAN             Well, thanks. That's... I appreciate             that.                       VALERIE             Very talented. Really.                        KAUFMAN             Thanks.   Thank you.   Thanks.                       VALERIE                 (looking up)             So --Kaufman's brow is dripping again.      He smiles, embarrassed.                       KAUFMAN             Sort of hot in here.                       VALERIE                 (kindly)             Yeah, it is a bit. So, why don't you             tell me your thoughts on this crazy             little project of ours.In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a bookentitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.                    KAUFMAN          First, I think it's a great book.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                                   5.CONTINUED: (2)                    VALERIE          Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. There's asmiling author photo of Susan Orlean on the inside backcover.                    KAUFMAN          And Orlean makes orchids so fascinating.          Plus her musings on Florida, orchid          poaching. Indians. Great, sprawling New          Yorker stuff. I'd want to remain true to          that, let the movie exist rather than be          artificially plot driven.                    VALERIE          Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not          exactly sure what that means.                   KAUFMAN          Oh. Well... I'm not sure exactly yet          either. So... y'know, it's...                         VALERIE          Oh.    Okay.     Great.   So, um, what --                    KAUFMAN          It's just, I don't want to compromise by          making it a Hollywood product. An orchid          heist movie. Or changing the orchids          into poppies and turning it into a movie          about drug running. Y'know?                    VALERIE          Oh, of course. We agree.        Definitely.                    KAUFMAN          Or cramming in sex, or car chases, or          guns. Or characters learning profound          life lessons. Or characters growing or          characters changing or characters          learning to like each other or characters          overcoming obstacles to succeed in the          end. Y'know? Movie shit.Kaufman is sweating like crazy now.       Valerie is quiet for amoment.                    VALERIE          See, we thought maybe Susan Orlean and          Laroche could fall in love during the          course of --                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                               6.CONTINUED: (3)                    KAUFMAN          Alienated journalist writes about          passionate backwoods guy and he teaches          her to love. I mean, it didn't happen,          it wouldn't happen. It's Hollywood.INT. OFFICE - DAYSUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, THREE WEEKS EARLIERThe office is decorated with potted flowers, Audobon posters,lots of books. Kaufman, nervous and sweaty, watchesMargaret, a soulful development executive, unpack boxes.                    KAUFMAN          So anyway I just wanted to stop by to          congratulate you on your promotion.                    MARGARET          Well, thanks again.   It's all so stupid.                    KAUFMAN          I think it's great. Your photo in the          trades and everything. Pretty cool.                      MARGARET          Anyway.    Yeah. So what's up with you?                    KAUFMAN          I'm considering jobs. Mostly crap.          There's one you might like, about          flowers.                     MARGARET          Flowers?   Really? What is it?                    KAUFMAN          They want me to do an adaptation of a          book called The Orchid Thief.                    MARGARET          Oh my God! You're kidding?    I read that!          I loved that book!Kaufman is thrilled; he's scored. Margaret pulls a copy ofThe Orchid Thief from her bookshelf.                    MARGARET (cont'd)          See, see, see! I'm not lying to you!                    KAUFMAN          I loved the book.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                             7.CONTINUED:                    MARGARET          Oh, Charlie, orchids are the most amazing          flowers. So complex.Margaret plops onto the couch next to Kaufman.                     KAUFMAN          I know.   They're really great.                    MARGARET          You should take this job. Doesn't it          sound exciting, to immerse yourself in a          real subject and learn everything about          it? Blake wrote about seeing heaven in a          wild flower. And after you learn all          this stuff, you can teach me!                    KAUFMAN              (thrilled but controlled)          That'd be fun.                    MARGARET          God, they're such beautiful flowers.    And          so sexy. Y'know?              (whispering)          Did you know that orchid means --                       KAUFMAN          Testicle.     I just read that.                    MARGARET              (shrieks with delight)          Testicle! Can you believe it!Margaret giggles happily.    Kaufman giggles weirdly.                    MARGARET (cont'd)          I swear, it'd be fucking great for          someone to have the testicles to make          that book into a movie, man. Instead of          this bullshit all the time. Something          not about sex and violence and car chases          and love stories, people learning          profound lessons. Jesus, isn't nature          enough?EXT. SWAMP - MORNINGHot, dirty, miserable. Laroche leads the Indians throughwaist-high black water. He points out a turtle on a rock.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                              8.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE          Pseudemys floridana. Did you fellas know          you fellas believe the world rests on the          back of a turtle? Not you fellas          specifically. Although, maybe you fellas          specifically. That I can't speak to.The Indians ignore him. They trudge. Laroche spotssomething else, a dull green root wrapped around a tree. Hestops, circles the tree. His eyes widen in reverent awe.                        LAROCHE (cont'd)                        Polyrrhiza Lindenii.             A ghost.The Indians come around. Laroche stares at a singlebeautiful, glowing white flower hanging from the tree.   Hetenderly caresses the petals. Then, business-like:                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          Cut it down, Russell.Russell pulls out a hacksaw, begins sawing through the tree.INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAYKaufman still sweats as he talks to Valerie.                    KAUFMAN          ...plus I love the idea of learning all          about orchids. I really admire those          guys who know everything about ants or          fungus or whatever. I'd like to be more          like that. See, I tend to write self-          involved, self-loathing... even          masturbatory stuff.                    VALERIE          And it's wonderful, by the way.                    KAUFMAN          Thanks. That's nice to hear. But I need          to challenge myself as a writer. I've          arrived at an age where I want to think          about the world in a different way.                    VALERIE          Adapting someone else's work is certainly          an opportunity to think differently.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                                   9.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          Yes. And I welcome the challenge of          taking a small subject, like orchids,          something that would never draw people          into a theater and making that          fascinating. I want to show people          heaven in a wildflower. As Blake wrote.INT. PET STORE (1972) - DAYSUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, TWENTY-SIX YEARS EARLIERA serious ten year old boy walks from cage to aquarium,studying the inhabitants. He turns to his frumpy mother,who's been following at a respectful distance.                    BOY          Any one at all, ma?She nods sweetly. The boy returns to his search.        He stopsat a small turtle in an aquarium.                       BOY (cont'd)             I want this then.                    MOTHER              (hugging him)          A wonderful choice! And spiritually          significant! Did you know that Native          Americans believe the whole world rests          on the back of a turtle?                        BOY             Cool!   I can't wait to tell the guys.EXT. SWAMP - MORNINGAs Laroche supervises, Randy, Russell, and Vinson saw throughtree branches supporting lovely flowering orchids. Theyunceremoniously stuff the flowers into bulging pillowcases.INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - EVENINGKaufman eats with Margaret.     Margaret raises a glass.                       MARGARET             To a fucking awesome assignment, man.Kaufman, pleased, clicks glasses.     He takes a breath.                       KAUFMAN             Hey, I'm going to an orchid show Sunday?             For research? Maybe you'll come?                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                               10.CONTINUED:                    MARGARET          Absolutely. I think David, this guy I'm          seeing, would enjoy it, too. He's a real          naturalist. Okay if he comes along?                    KAUFMAN              (covering heartbreak)          Yeah, of course. Sure.                    MARGARET          He wants to meet you anyway.     All I do is          tell him how great you are.                    KAUFMAN          Oh, thanks. That's nice to hear.                    MARGARET          You'll like him. He's so honest and          smart. It's rare to find someone in this          town who thinks about things other than          this fucking business, y'know?                       KAUFMAN          Yeah.     That's great.   He sounds great.                       MARGARET             Like the other day we were in bed             discussing Hegel. Hegel! In bed! It             was fucking amazing. Have you read much?                       KAUFMAN             Y'know, a long time ago.   A bit.   Y'know.                       MARGARET             Well, anyway, David and I were discussing             his Philosophy of History and I was...The entrees arrive.                    MARGARET (cont'd)          ... struck by his notion that history is          a human construct...Kaufman begins the laborious task of getting through hisplate of food. He can no longer look up at Margaret.                        KAUFMAN          Yeah.                    MARGARET          ... that nature doesn't exist          historically, but rather cyclically.                    (MORE)                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                           11.CONTINUED: (2)                    MARGARET (cont'd)          So whereas human history spirals forward,          building upon itself, nature...INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAYKaufman pulls a bunch of orchid books off the shelf, carriesthem to the register, along with a book on Hegel, whichfeatures an engraving of the philosopher on the cover.Kaufman waits in line and watches the tattooed female cashierflirting with the handsome guy ahead of him. He studiestheir interaction, the way she looks at him. Her eyes, herlips. The guy leaves and the cashier waves Kaufman over. Asshe rings him up, she expresses no interest in him. He'shurt and fixates on a sexy flower tattoo on her arm. Shecatches him, pulls down her sleeve.EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNINGTony waits, sweaty and mosquito bitten.   The radio crackles.                    RADIO VOICE          How's that Injun round-up going, Tony?                    TONY          Fuck you, Barry, you fuckin'...Rustling near the parked cars. Tony tenses. Laroche stepsfrom the swamp with the Indians, who haul the pillowcases.                    TONY (cont'd)          We got poachers.              (into the radio, pleased)          We got fuckin' poachers, Barry.   Ha!Tony jumps into the truck and turns it around.INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHTOrlean types. Her delicate fingers move with a pianist'sgrace across the computer keyboard.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          Orchid hunting is a mortal occupation.EXT. TROPICAL RIVER - DAYSUBTITLE: ORINOCO RIVER, ONE HUNDRED YEARS EARLIERAn overturned boat and uprooted orchids float on the river.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          The Victorian-era orchid hunter William          Arnold drowned on a collecting          expedition.                                                            12.EXT. CLIFF - DAYSUBTITLE: SIERRA LEONEA man lies at the bottom of a cliff, clutching a flower.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          Schroeder fell to his death.EXT. FIELD - DAYSUBTITLE: RIO HACHAA man lies face down near an unplucked orchid.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          Endres was shot dead in Rio Hacha.EXT. RIVER - DAYSUBTITLE: YANGTZE RIVERAn emaciated, limping, wheezing man with a makeshift bandagewrapped around his head, docks his boat.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          Augustus Margary survived toothache,          rheumatism, pleurisy, and dysentery...Someone steps from behind a bush, stabs him, steals his boat.                    ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          ... only to be murdered when he completed          his mission and traveled beyond Bhamo.The murderer sails down river.                    ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          Laroche loved orchids but I came to          believe he loved the difficulty and          fatality of getting them almost as much          as he loved the orchids themselves.EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNINGTony steps out of his truck.   Laroche smiles warmly.                    TONY          Morning. May I ask what you gentlemen          have in those pillowcases?                    LAROCHE          Yes, sir, you absolutely may.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                                13.CONTINUED:Laroche goes back to directing the Indians.    Tony's confused.                       TONY             Okay, I'm asking then.                    LAROCHE          Oh, Okay then! Let's see...              (peeking in bags)          Five kinds of bromeliad, one peperomia,          nine orchid varieties. About a hundred          and thirty plants all told, which my          colleagues have removed from the swamp.                       TONY             You're aware that it's illegal to remove             plants or animals from state owned land?                       LAROCHE             And don't forget these plants are all             endangered, sir. Every one of them.                       TONY             Exactly. Well, that's exactly the issue.             This is a state preserve.                       LAROCHE             Yes, sir, it is.                 (afterthought)             Oh, and my colleagues are all Seminole             Indians. Did I mention that? You're             familiar, I'm sure, with the State of             Florida v. James E. Billie.Tony nods, even though he has no idea.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             So you know that even though Seminole             Chief Billie killed a Florida panther,             one of, what, forty in the entire world?Laroche looks to the Indians for confirmation.       They give it.                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          The state couldn't successfully prosecute          him. Because he's an Indian and it's his          right. As repugnant as you or I as white          conservationists might find his actions.                       TONY          But --                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                             14.CONTINUED: (2)                    LAROCHE          Not to mention the failed attempts on          three separate occasions to prosecute          Seminoles for poaching palm fronds,          which, I believe, they use to thatch the          roofs of their traditional chickee huts.Laroche again looks to the Indians for confirmation.                    RUSSELL          He's right. That's exactly what we use          them for. Chickee huts.Tony looks at the Indians.                     RANDY          Yeah.                     VINSON          Yeah.                     RUSSELL          Yeah.                    TONY          Yeah, but I don't... I can't let you          fellas go yet. Just hold on while I...              (into radio)          Hey, Barry, can I get some help? Barry?INT. RENTAL CAR - DAYWe watch Orlean as she drives out of the Miami Airportparking lot, onto the freeway, past congestion andbillboards. Her mournful face glows beautifully,dramatically with golden sunlight. She talks to us.                    ORLEAN          Nothing in Florida seems hard or          permanent. The developed places are just          little clearings in the jungle, but the          jungle is unstoppably fertile, everything          is always growing or expanding. At the          same time, the wilderness disappears          before your eyes.Orlean gets quiet.   Her eyes tear.EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - DAYSUBTITLE: AKRON, OHIO, THIRTY YEARS EARLIER                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            15.CONTINUED:Lush color. A seven year old girl is gleeful as her parentspush her on a swing. She watches from the air as her motherand father, deeply in love, kiss between pushes.EXT. BIG SPANISH-STYLE HOUSE - DAYKaufman gets out of his car with his books. Two teenagegirls walk by. Kaufman watches as one whispers to the other.He thinks he hears the word "Fatso." The girls giggle.INT. EMPTY HOUSE - A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATERKaufman passes a hall mirror, regards himself glumly, andclimbs the stairs.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I am fat. I am repulsive.   I cannot bear          my own reflection.At the landing Kaufman comes upon Donald, his identical twinbrother, on his back in pajama bottoms, opening a gift box.                    DONALD          Did you open your present from mom yet?                    KAUFMAN          What's with you?                     DONALD          My back.Kaufman nods vaguely, continues down the hall. Donald pullsa purple sweater from the box, calls after Kaufman.                    DONALD (cont'd)          Hey, Charles, you'll be glad, I have a          plan to get me out of your house pronto.                    KAUFMAN          A job is a plan. Is your plan a job?                    DONALD              (big build up)          I'm gonna be a screenwriter!   Like you!Kaufman doesn't respond, enters his bedroom.                    DONALD (cont'd)          I know you think this is just one of my          get-rich-quick schemes. But I'm doing it          right this time. I'm taking a seminar!                                                            16.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSKaufman lies face down on his mattress on the floor.                    DONALD (O.S.)          It's only five hundred bucks!                    KAUFMAN              (muffled by pillow)          Screenwriting seminars are bullshit.Kaufman pulls a copy of Variety, open to a photo of Margaret,from under his pillow. He gets lost in the picture.                    DONALD (O.S.)          In theory I agree with you. But this one          is highly regarded within the industry.                    KAUFMAN          Donald, don't say "industry."Donald, now in the sweater, appears on all fours in thedoorway. Kaufman puts the paper back under his pillow.                    DONALD          I'm sorry, I forgot. Charles, this guy          knows screenwriting. People from all          over come to study his method. I'll pay          you back, man. As soon as I sell --                    KAUFMAN          Let me explain something to you.                    DONALD          Yeah, okay.                    KAUFMAN          Anybody who says he's got "the answer" is          going to attract desperate people. Be it          in the world of religion --                    DONALD              (indicating his back)          I just need to lie down while you explain          this to me. Sorry. I apologize.              (lies down, stares at ceiling)          Okay, go ahead. Sorry. Okay. Go.                    KAUFMAN          There are no rules to follow, Donald, and          anybody who says there are, is just --                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                             17.CONTINUED:                    DONALD          Not rules, principles. McKee writes:          "A rule says, you must do it this way.   A          principle says, this works... and has          through all remembered time."                    KAUFMAN          The script I'm starting, it's about          flowers. No one's ever done a movie          about flowers before. So, there're no          guidelines, and that's good because --                    DONALD          What about Flowers for Algernon?                    KAUFMAN          That's not about flowers.    And it's not a          movie.                    DONALD          Oh, okay, I never saw it.    Go ahead.                    KAUFMAN          My point is, those teachers are dangerous          if your goal is to do something new. And          a writer should always have that goal.          Writing is a journey into the unknown.          It's not building a model airplane.Donald stares at the ceiling, fuming. Kaufman waits.Getting no no response, he pulls out his Hegel book andreads:                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Each being is, because posited, an op-          posited, a conditional and conditioning,          the Understanding completes these its          limitations by positing the opposite...Kaufman's head is spinning. He puts the book down. Bothbrothers stare at the ceiling. Donald finally speaks                       DONALD             McKee is a former Fulbright scholar. Are             you a former Fulbright scholar, Charles?INT. KITCHEN (1972) - EVENINGThe young boy eats with his family. His father wears abackbrace, his sister is weak and anemic. Only his sweetmother pays attention as he chatters excitedly.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             18.CONTINUED:                    BOY          Turtles are of the order Testudine!                      MOTHER          Really?    Testudine?                    BOY          Yeah. And they're found on every          continent! Except Antarptica!                       MOTHER             Antarctica. Every continent, huh?                    BOY          Uh-huh. The turtle shell has remained          unchanged for two hundred million years!          And there's all different kinds, Pelusio          gabonensis, Phyrnops rufipes, Chitra          indica, Dermochelys coriacea coriacea...EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNINGRanger, sheriff, and state police cars are parked near thevan and Ford. Lots of sweating, uniformed people. Thepillowcases have been emptied, the plants lie on blackplastic sheets. A guy sprinkles water on them. Larocheenthusiastically helps Ranger Mike Owen catalogue theflowers. The Indians lean against their car, bored andsmoking. Nirvana seeps tinnily out the car window.                    LAROCHE          ... and what we have here, my friend, is          ... thirteen Encyclia Cochleata... four          Encyclia Tampensis --                    MIKE OWEN          I'm sorry, Encyclia what?                    LAROCHE              (pointing to each)          Coch-le-ata. Tem-pen-sis.              (checks Owen's spelling)          Okay, let's see, twenty-two Epidendrum          Nocturnum. A very good haul. Two          Catopsi Floribunda. Three Polyrrhiza          Lindenii, the ghost orchid. What I          really came for. These sweeties grow          nowhere in the U.S. except in your swamp.                    MIKE OWEN          That true? Boy, you really know your          plants, Mr. Laroche.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             19.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE          Yeah. I do. I'm one of the world's          foremost experts. But that'll all be          revealed at the hearing.INT. EMPTY DINING ROOM - DAYKaufman sits at a card table, picking at a salad and readingan orchid book. Donald lies on the floor, chomping a hoagieand reading a copy of Story by Robert McKee.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient          family of perennial plants with...Kaufman, bored, looks over at Donald, whose cheeks arestuffed with food.                    DONALD (V.O.)          The most memorable, fascinating          characters tend to have not only a          conscious but an unconscious desire.          Although these characters are unaware of          their subconscious need...                    KAUFMAN          Maybe you should watch what you eat,          Donald. Did you ever consider maybe          you're a bit fat? Does it ever occur to          you, you kind of represent me in the          world? That people look at you and          think, he's Charlie's twin, therefore          that's what Charlie must look like?                    DONALD          By the way, mom's paying for the seminar.                    KAUFMAN          Did you even hear what I said?                    DONALD          Yeah. Anyway. I pitched mom my          screenplay --                    KAUFMAN          Jesus, don't say "pitch."                    DONALD          Sorry. Anyway, she loved my... telling          of my story to her. She said it's like          "Silence of the Lambs" meets "Psycho."                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              20.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          Hey, maybe you and mom could collaborate.          I hear she's really good with structure.                    DONALD          You think you're so superior, Charles.          Well, I'm really gonna write this. And          you'll see. And, and... you suck, okay?The two glare at each other.   They go back to their books.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Florida is a landscape of transition...                    DONALD (V.O.)          Do not proliferate characters; do not          multiply locations. Rather than          hopscotching through time, space, and          people, discipline yourself to a          reasonably contained cast and world...INT. RENTAL CAR - DAYOrlean drives on State Road 29, past prefab housing, intoswampland. She talks to us.                    ORLEAN          Florida is a landscape of transition and          mutation, a hybrid of unruliness and          orderliness, nature and artifice.She brushes a wisp of hair from her face and tucks it behindher small, pretty ear. We linger on the ear, which growspink with sunlight. Orlean catches us and smiles shyly.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAYKaufman traces a stubby, nail-bitten finger along State Road29 along a Florida road map. He turns to his typewriter, andtypes in a clumsy hunt-and-peck style.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          We open on State Road 29. A lonely          stretch of road cutting through untamed          swampland. Suddenly a beat-up white van          barrels around a curve. It's driver: a          skinny man with no front teeth...INT. COURT ROOM - DAYThe proceedings are in progress.   Orlean hurries in, sits inthe back.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             21.CONTINUED:Laroche, in a Miami Hurricanes cap, wrap-around Mylarsunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt, is on the stand. AlanLerner, the tribe's lawyer, questions him.                    LERNER          Finally, Mr. Laroche, what is your          experience in the area of horticulture?                    LAROCHE          Okay, I've been a professional          horticulturist for twelve years. I've          owned a plant nursery of my own which was          destroyed by the hurricane. I'm a          professional plant lecturer. I've given          at least sixty lectures on the          cultivation of plants. I'm a published          author, both in magazine and book form.          I have extensive experience with orchids,          and the asexual micropropagation of          orchids under aseptic cultures.   This is          laboratory work, not at all like your          nursery work.              (grins)          I'm probably the smartest person I know.                       LERNER          Thank you.                    LAROCHE          You're very welcome.INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAYAs she rings up his books, Kaufman admires the cashier'sflower tattoo. She catches him and smiles with red, wet,pierced lips. She unbuttons her blouse and shows him a breastwith a heart tattoo. A sweet heartbeat turns to knocking.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman, in bed masturbating, looks up at the closed door.                       KAUFMAN          What?!The door opens.    Donald stands there for a moment in shadows.                    DONALD          Look, you wanna hear my pitch, or what?                      KAUFMAN          Go away.    God damn it.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                               22.CONTINUED:                     DONALD              (lost)          Y'know, I'm just trying to do something.Kaufman squints at his brother, sits up, waits.                    DONALD (CONT'D)          Hey, thanks a lot, man. Cool.              (flicks on light, then in pitch               mode:)          Okay, there's this serial killer, right --Kaufman groans, lies down, pulls the covers over his face.                    DONALD (CONT'D)          No, wait. See, he's being hunted by a          cop. And he's taunting the cop, right?          Sending clues who his next victim is.          He's already holding her hostage in his          creepy basement. So the cop gets          obsessed with figuring out her identity,          and in the process he falls in love with          her. Even though he's never even met          her. She becomes, like, the          unattainable, like the Holy Grail.                       KAUFMAN                 (through a blanket)             It's a little obvious, don't you think?                    DONALD          Okay, but there's a twist. See, we find          out the killer suffers from multiple          personality disorder. Okay? See, he's          really also the cop and the girl. All of          them. It's all him! Isn't that crazy?Donald waits, proud.    Kaufman pulls off the covers.                    KAUFMAN          Look, the only idea more overused than          serial killers, is multiple personality.          On top of that you explore the notion          that cop and criminal are really two          aspects of the same person. See every          cop movie ever made for other examples of          this.                    DONALD          Mom called it psychologically taut.                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                             23.CONTINUED: (2)                    KAUFMAN          The other thing is, there's no way to          write this. Did you consider that? I          mean, how exactly would you show a          character holding himself hostage?                    DONALD          Trick photography?                    KAUFMAN          Okay, that's not what I'm asking. What          I'm asking is in the reality of this          movie, if there's only one character,          right?... Okay? How could you... What          exactly would the scene... How...Donald waits blankly.   Kaufman gives up, gets out of bed,dresses.                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          I agree with mom. Very taut. Sybil          meets.. I dunno, something very taut.Kaufman exits.EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAYOrlean exits the courthouse and watches Laroche in a huddlewith Lerner, Vinson, and Buster Baxley, vice-president of thetribe's business operations. They're all smoking intently.                    LAROCHE          They're gonna fucking crucify me.                    BAXLEY          I'll go into the Fakahatchee with a          chainsaw. I swear to God.                    LERNER          Buster, for crying out loud, I reminded          her the Indians used to own Fakahatchee.          Look, we'll deal with all this at trial.Buster waves a dismissive hand at Lerner, walks away. Vinsonshrugs, stubs his cigarette, follows Buster. Lerner andLaroche stand there a moment. Lerner walks off. Larochecracks his neck. A charmingly shy Orlean approaches.                    ORLEAN          Mr. Laroche?Orlean smiles, apologetic for the intrusion.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             24.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN (CONT'D)          My name's Susan Orlean, I'm a writer for          the New Yorker. It's a maga --                    LAROCHE          I'm familiar with the New Yorker. The          New Yorker, yes, the New Yorker. Right?                    ORLEAN          Right. So I was interested in doing a          piece about your situation down here.Laroche scowls, smokes furiously, then, a test:                    LAROCHE          Yeah? Put this in: I don't care what          goes on here. I'm right, and I'll take          this all the way to the Supreme Court.          That judge can screw herself.Orlean scribbles on her pad. Laroche twists his head to seethat she's writing "Judge can screw herself."                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          That for real would go in?Orlean nods.   Laroche smiles his toothless smile at Orlean.EXT. FIELD - MORNINGMUSIC: lush, profound orchestral piece.A glorious orange, large-petalled orchid blooms in dramatictime-lapse. We slowly, lovingly circle the flower.                    SENSUOUS FEMALE NARRATOR          The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient          family of perennial plants with one          fertile stamen and a three petalled          flower. In most orchid species, one petal          is enlarged into a lip and is the most          conspicuous part of the flower.INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAYKaufman, in a booth, reads his orchid book, takes notes.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient...He's bored, looks up, watches a waitress with glorious,orange hair, pouty lips, soulful eyes, and a voluptuous formturning slowly around, scanning her station.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              25.CONTINUED:She sees Kaufman, approaches, and smiles warmly down at him.Her badge reads: Alice, Arcadia, CA. Kaufman sweats.                    ALICE          So what looks good today?                    KAUFMAN          Um. Hi. Thank you. The key lime pie,          please. A small slice. I'm watching          my... And a coffee, please. Skim milk.                    ALICE              (sees book)          Orchids! I absolutely love orchids.He goes blank.                     KAUFMAN          Yes.   They're really great.He flinches at his response.    A small awkward pause.                    ALICE          So, I'll be right back with your pie.She smiles warmly again and leaves.    Kaufman is humiliated.EXT. ORCHID SHOW - DAYAlice the waitress and Kaufman walk hand-in-hand, inspectingsexy orchids together. She smiles warmly at him.                    ALICE              (I love you)          I absolutely love orchids.INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHTKaufman finishes jerking off.   He lies lonely in the dark.INT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - EVENINGDark and muted. The seven year old girl is pushed on theswing by her father. From the air she sees her mother, tinyand lost, sitting across the yard smoking.EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT - MORNINGOrlean leans against a car and smokes. A tiny, lost figure.There's a honk. Orlean snaps out of her reverie to seeLaroche screeching to a stop in his banged-up van.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                              26.CONTINUED:                       ORLEAN                 (to camera)             A few days after the hearing, Laroche             took me to an orchid show in Miami.She opens the passenger door.                        ORLEAN (cont'd)             Hi.   Thanks for picking --                       LAROCHE             I want you to know this van is a piece of             shit. When I hit the jackpot, I'll buy             myself an awesome car, maybe an Aurora.Orlean nods, climbs in, and tries to rearrage some of thejunk on the front seat so she'll have a place to sit.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             Sit on top of that. You won't hurt it.She situates herself on the seat.     Laroche lurches off.INT. VAN - DAYLaroche drives manically. Orlean watches the road and holdsone hand against the dashboard.                       LAROCHE             The thing you gotta know is my whole life             is looking for a goddamn profitable             plant. And that's the ghost.                       ORLEAN             Why the ghost orchid?                       LAROCHE             The sucker's rare. Collectors covet what             is not available. I'm the only one in             the world who knows how to cultivate it.He looks at her and smiles. Orlean smiles back andindicates, with a small jerk of the head, that he might wantto watch the road. He doesn't take the hint.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             The plan was, get the Indians to pull it             from the swamp. I researched it. As             long as I don't touch the plants, Florida             can't touch us.   Then I'd clone hundreds             of them babies in my lab, sell 'em, and             make the Seminoles a shitload of change.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                                27.CONTINUED:In handwriting made jerky by the bouncing van, Orlean writes"shitload of change" on her notepad.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             And I stop future poaching by making the             flowers readily available in stores.             Then I give a big speech at the trial             about how the legislature should get rid             of loopholes smart people like me can             find. I'm a hero. The flowers are             saved. Laroche and nature win.EXT. SWAMP - DAYOld black and white footage, taken from up high, of two 19thcentury men leading a horse drawn cart full of poachedorchids.                       ORLEAN (V.O.)             Men from Florida dominated the orchid             hunting scene. Hunters in the             Fakahatchee hauled out thousands of             orchids in horse-drawn flatbed carts.The camera swoops down, close to the men. As it does, theimage transforms. It turns to color, the men becomemannequins, the horse becomes papier-mache: it's a display.A live man in modern work clothes is arranging actual orchidsin the cardboard cart.INT. CAR - DAYKaufman drives slowly past Barnes and Noble, squints in thewindow, sees the tattooed cashier. He passes Burger King,sees a pretty employee, the same at Starbucks. Glassed-inwomen on display, different types, different attitudes.Kaufman stops in front of the California Pizza Kitchen.Alice and her orange hair glow through the window. Hehesitates, then drives off.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNINGKaufman sits on the floor and types.                       KAUFMAN (V.O.)             A beautiful orange orchid blooms in time-             lapse --Donald enters. Kaufman ignores him, continues typing.Donald dawdles, picks up The Orchid Thief, flips through it.                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                         28.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          The camera circles it, revealing how          lovely and perfect and sweet and inviting          and delicate and...                    DONALD          Cool.                    KAUFMAN          What do you want, Donald?                    DONALD          Nothing. I just read about that Swamp          Ape that supposedly lives in the swamp?          Like bigfoot? You should put that in          your script, like, killing people or          something. That'd be very, very cool.                    KAUFMAN          Why are you in here now?                    DONALD          Nothing, I was just... Oh, one thing, I          need a cool way to kill people. Don't          worry! For my script! Ha ha!Kaufman stares at Donald, rubs his eyes, then:                    KAUFMAN          Um, okay, killer's a literature professor          who cuts off little chunks of his          victims' bodies until they die. He'd be          known in the tabloids as "The          Deconstructionist."                    DONALD          That's kinda good.   I like that.                    KAUFMAN          See, I was kidding, Donald.                    DONALD          Oh, okay. Sorry. You got me! Heh-heh.          Do you mind if I use it, though?INT. BOY'S BEDROOM (1972) - NIGHTThere are now many turtles in aquariums. Many turtle booksand posters. The boy, in a turtle T-shirt, looks out thewindow into the darkness. His eyes are troubled.                                                            29.INT. LIVING ROOM (1972) - CONTINUOUSThe boy comes downstairs. His father, in his backbrace,watches TV; his sister lies on the couch, semi-conscious,more pale than before. His mother pats the girl's head witha damp cloth. There's a little Hindu altar with candles.                    MOTHER              (praying softly)          For certain is death for the born/And          certain is birth for the dead/Therefore          over the inevitable/Thou shouldst not          grieve. Sweet, sweet Diane.The boy surveys the sad scene.    His mother looks up, smiles.                    MOTHER (CONT'D)          A slice of pie for my turtle expert?The boy beams with pride, then gets solemn.                    BOY          Mom, there's something I feel I have to          do. I don't know how to do this, but I          feel in my stomach that I have to.                    MOTHER          What do you have to do, honey?                     BOY          Collect one of every turtle in the world.              (beat)          It's a long list, ma. Cuora          galbinifrons, Graptemys versa, Callagur          borneoensis, all the Galapagos species,          people think there's only one, but that's          hardly the case. Cycloderma frenatum,          Cuora pani...              (sighs)          I don't think my life is worth living if          I can't do this.The boy and his mother look at each other.                    MOTHER          Well, we'd better get started, huh, baby?The boy nods his head solemnly.INT. VAN - DAYLaroche drives, solemnly nodding his head. Orlean studieshim for a moment, her sad eyes wet and glistening.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                              30.CONTINUED:                       ORLEAN             Wow, that's some story. So how many             turtles did you end up collecting?                       LAROCHE                 (matter-of-fact)             Oh, I lost interest right after that.                       ORLEAN             Oh.                       LAROCHE             I dropped turtles when I fell in love             with Ice Age fossils. Learned everything             about them. Collected the shit out of             'em. Fossils were the only thing made             any sense to me in this fucking world.             Y'know?They drive in silence.    Orlean watches a flying heron.                       LAROCHE (CONT'D)             Then fossils were over when I found             lapidary, which I just adored.                       ORLEAN             Okay, now what is lap --                       LAROCHE             Ditched lapidary for resilvering old             mirrors. Did that with my mom for a             while. We had the largest collection of             19th Century Dutch mirrors on the planet.             Perhaps you read about us. Mirror World             October '88? I have a copy somewhere...Laroche fishes through junk as he drives.                       ORLEAN             So, did you ever miss the turtles? The             only thing that made you ten year old             life worth living?                       LAROCHE             I'll tell you a story. I once fell             deeply, profoundly in love with tropical             fish. I had sixty goddamn fish tanks in             my house. I'd skin-dive to find just the             right ones. Anisotremus virginicus,             Holacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon             capistratus. You name it. Then one day             I say, fuck fish. I renounce fish.                       (MORE)                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                               31.CONTINUED: (2)                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          I vow to never set foot in the ocean          again, that's how much fuck fish. That          was seventeen years ago and I have never          since stuck so much as a toe into that          ocean. And I love the ocean!                       ORLEAN              (beat)          But why?                    LAROCHE              (shrugs)          Done with fish.INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAYKaufman sits in silence across from his female therapist.                       THERAPIST          So --                    KAUFMAN          I'm still obsessed with that girl.                    THERAPIST          The Burger King girl? Dimples and sparkly          eyes?                    KAUFMAN          California Pizza Kitchen.                      THERAPIST          Oh.    Red hair and nice?   Likes orchids?                    KAUFMAN          Yeah. She's really nice. I feel pretty          certain she likes me maybe.                    THERAPIST          So do you think you'll talk to this one?INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAYKaufman, hair combed, sits nervously in a booth, watchingAlice. He tenses as she comes up to him. She smiles warmly.                       KAUFMAN          Hi!                      ALICE          Hey!    Some key lime pie for ya today?                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                                 32.CONTINUED:                      KAUFMAN                (thrilled she remembered)            Okay, yeah! That sounds great!     Yeah!                      ALICE            I'll pick you out an extra large piece.            Preferred customer.She winks at him.   He's so in love.                         KAUFMAN            Thank you.     That's really sweet of you.                      ALICE            Still reading about orchids, I hope.                      KAUFMAN            Yes, I am, in fact!    Beautiful flowers.                      ALICE            A friend of mine has a pretty little pink            one, grows right on a tree branch.                      KAUFMAN            That's what's called an epiphyte.                      ALICE                (pointing at him excitedly)            Right! Boy, you know your stuff, huh?                      KAUFMAN            Not really. I'm just learning.            Epiphytes grow on trees, but they're not            parasites. They get all their            nourishment from the air and rain.                      ALICE            Well, I'm impressed.    That's great.Awkward pause.                      KAUFMAN            There are more than thirty thousand kinds            of orchids in the world.                      ALICE            Wow, that's a lot, huh? Okay, then, so            I'll be right back with a nice big slice            of key lime pie for my orchid expert.He beams.    She smiles and turns to leave.    Kaufman blurts:                                                         (CONTINUED)                                                                 33.CONTINUED: (2)                    KAUFMAN          But, so, anyway, I was also wondering...Alice turns back, still smiling.                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          I'm going up to this orchid show on          Saturday in Santa Barbara and I --Alice's smile slips away.    Her warmth dissipates.                    ALICE          Oh, um, well --                       KAUFMAN          I'm sorry.     I apologize.   I'm sorry.                    ALICE              (nodding)          So I'll be right back with your pie then.He nods, watches Alice walk away and say something to anotherwaitress. The other waitress looks over at him. He sweats.                       KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I am fat.     I am old. I am repulsive.The other waitress brings his pie.      He smiles a thank you.INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - MORNINGOrlean sits at her desk and talks to us.                    ORLEAN          There are more than thirty thousand known          orchid species. One species looks like a          German shepherd...EXT. SANTA BARBARA ORCHID SHOW - DAYKaufman walks alone among the crowd of orchid enthusiasts,past a Santa Barbara Orchid Society sign. He tries to studythe flowers. They are dull. He forces himself to look.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          ... one looks like an onion, one looks          like an octopus. One looks...Kaufman finds his attention drifting from orchids to women:all different shapes, colors, personalities, some in subtleclothing, some in garish clothing, all glowing.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                             34.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          ... like a school teacher, one looks like          a gymnast, one looks like a Midwestern          beauty queen, one looks like a New York          intellectual with whom you'd do the          Sunday Times crossword puzzle in bed.          One looks like that girl in high school          with creamy skin. One has eyes that          dance. One has eyes that contain the          sadness of the world.He is sick with adoration for the women, who pay him no mind.                    ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          Nothing in science can account for the          way some people feel about orchids.          Those love them, love them madly.One by one the women turn to the men they're with: a whisperin the ear, a shared look, an arm slipped through an arm.Kaufman is alone in this sea of people and flowers.EXT. SWAMP - DAYTeenaged Laroche and his mother tromp through the swamp. Hecarries a camera on a tripod. They spot a beautiful flower.Laroche is in awe.                       TEENAGED LAROCHE             Encyclia tempensis. The butterfly.Laroche sets up the tripod, focuses on the flower.    Hismother almost cries at the flower's beauty.                    MOTHER          "You will find something more in woods          than in books. Trees and stones will          teach you that which you can never learn          from masters." Saint Bernard said that.                    TEENAGED LAROCHE          That's pretty, ma.                    MOTHER          Diane would've loved this flower, Johnny.                    TEENAGED LAROCHE          Maybe somehow she can see it.    Y'know?                     MOTHER              (beat)          So... after this one how many, honey?                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              35.CONTINUED:Laroche snaps the photo, makes a check in his notebook.                    TEENAGED LAROCHE          Only one hundred and seventeen more.                    MOTHER          And you have to have a photo of every          single type of orchid in Florida?                    TEENAGED LAROCHE          I have to, ma. You know that.She smiles at him, rubs his neck.INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAYKaufman talks to the therapist.                    KAUFMAN          I'm successful, right? I mean, I could          say to a woman, I'm a screenwriter and          she'd look at me differently. I could          get laid. But I want someone to like me.          For me. Y'know?    The way I like them.          The way I'd do anything for that woman          walking down the street. A million women          walking down the street. I don't need to          know what their jobs are. No one will          ever love me like that. Like I love          almost every woman I see.Kaufman glances down at his therapist's breasts. He does itfast and unintentionally. He quickly shifts back to herface. His therapist wraps her shawl around her.INT. SHOW HALL - DAYCrowded with orchid lovers. Noisy chatter and calliopemusic. Elaborate displays include orchids on a ferris wheel,plastic clowns, and a booth that looks like a circus big top.                    LAROCHE          Once you get the sickness, it takes over          your life. I started out just          photographing 'em. Now look at me.              (dramatic pause)          It'll happen to you. You'll see.                    ORLEAN          I don't think so.     I'm not prone to --Laroche runs over to a flower.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                              36.CONTINUED:                     LAROCHE           Angraecum sesquipedale! Beauty! God!           Darwin wrote about this one. Charles           Darwin? Evolution guy? Hello?                     ORLEAN               (annoyed)           I know who Darwin is.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTA depressed Kaufman fishes on his floor through an everincreasing pile of books: books about turtles, mirrorresilvering, tropical fish, Hegel, etc. He picks up ThePortable Darwin. The cover features a daguerreotype ofDarwin. Kaufman paces and reads.INT. BOOK-LINED STUDY - NIGHTSUBTITLE: ENGLAND, ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE YEARS EARLIERSepia.   A sickly Darwin writes at his desk.                     DARWIN (V.O.)           Therefore I should infer from analogy           that probably all the organic beings           which have ever lived on this earth have           descended from some one primordial form,           into which life was first breathed.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman looks off into space, thinking. Silence. Suddenly,he grabs his mini-recorder and paces like a caged animal.                     KAUFMAN           Okay, opening of movie. Four billion           years ago. Life has not begun. Endless,           barren terrain. Silence. Silence.EXT. SHOW HALL - DAYBlasting music.   Crowds.   Laroche shows the flower to Orlean.                     LAROCHE           See that nectary all the way down there?           Darwin hypothesized a moth with a nose           twelve inches long to pollinate it.           Everyone thought he was a loon. Then,           sure enough, they found this moth with a           twelve inch proboscis -- proboscis means           nose, by the way -- and --                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                              37.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN          I know what proboscis means.                    LAROCHE          Every one of these flowers has a specific          relationship with the insect that          pollinates it. There's an orchid that          looks exactly like this particular          insect. So the bug humps the flower and          gets covered with its pollen. Thusly...Laroche mimes humping.                      ORLEAN          I get it.                    LAROCHE          That's called pseudo-copulation. These          flowers are smart! You gotta fall in          love with them. Once you learn anything          about orchids, you'll devote your life to          learning everything about them.Orlean looks around: people sniffing flowers, feeling petals,staring deep into nectaries. People jabber passionately,people buy plants, people carry boxes of purchased plants.Orlean looks deeply into various flowers, at a dizzying arrayof colors and shapes, but remains detached.INT. APARTMENT - EARLY EVENINGOrlean stares at photos of orchids on her bulletin board.She can't find a way in. She looks over at her husbandreading. He smiles at her. She smiles back, but there's aterrible distance between them. She looks at us sadly.                    ORLEAN          I wanted to want something as much as          people wanted these plants but it isn't          part of my constitution.Orlean stares out the window at the empty street below.   Aplastic bag dips and rises in the breeze. She inhales.                    ORLEAN (cont'd)          I suppose I do have one unembarrassed          passion.              (beat, looks back at us)          I want to know how it feels to care about          something passionately.                                                            38.EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - NIGHTThe seven year old girl swings sadly by herself. From highup she sees her mother in a window at one end of the house,her father in a window at the other end. Both stare blanklyin opposite directions. The swing completes it's arc and thegirl descends, losing sight of her parents.INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - NIGHTKaufman types furiously.   He's a sweaty mess.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          ... then, after the entire history of          life on the planet, in the last seconds          of the montage, we see the whole of human          history: tool-making, hunting, farming,          war, lust, religion, self-consciousness.          Yearning. Then, bam! cut to Susan Orlean          writing a book about orchids. And the          story begins. It's perfect! It's          circular! It's everything!He reads back what he's written.                    KAUFMAN (CONT'D)          I'm an idiot. I'm fat. I hate my--The front door bursts open and Donald charges in.                    DONALD          McKee is a genius! And hilarious! He          just comes up with these great jokes, and          everyone laughs! But he's serious, too.          You'd love him. He's all for          originality, just like you! But he says,          we have to realize we all write in a          genre, so we must find originality within          that genre. See, it turns out there          hasn't been a new genre since Fellini          invented the mockumentary!                    KAUFMAN              (sadly, quietly)          You and I share the same DNA. Is there          anything more lonely than that?INT. ORLEAN'S KITCHEN - EVENINGOrlean eats a silent dinner with her husband.                    HUSBAND          You want to do something tonight?                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                            39.CONTINUED:                     ORLEAN           I should work. I've got stuff...He nods.   She smiles, picks up her dish, puts it in the sink.INT. ORLEAN'S STUDY - EVENINGOrlean looks at the photo of Laroche, sits sadly for amoment, then types.                     ORLEAN (V.O.)           Laroche is an optimist. That is, he sees           a profitable outcome in every situation.           When he was a young man he worked in           construction.EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAYSUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, TEN YEARS EARLIERA younger Laroche, in a hard hat, walks atop a half-builthouse. He spots a flower in a backyard across the street.                       LAROCHE                 (pleased with himself)             Asclepiadaceae. From thirty yards.   Yes.He loses his footing, falls two storeys, lands on his back.INT. DINER - DAYLaroche talks.    Orlean takes notes.                     LAROCHE               (laughing)           ... I broke my back. Exactly how my dad           did. Isn't that a psycho coincidence?               (far away)           Y'know, the way I see it, we're a family           of ailments and pain.               (suddenly excited.)           But, anyway, it was a godsend.Laroche scarfs his pie.    Orlean watches him.                      ORLEAN (V.O.)           Laroche once spilled toxic pesticide into           a cut on his hand. It resulted in           permanent heart and liver damage. Most           people would consider this a terrible           accident. Laroche considered it a           success...                                                             40.INT. SUBURBAN SUN ROOM - DAYA prim woman reads a magazine article by Laroche entitled,"Would You Die For Your Plants." There's a smiling photo ofa frail, emaciated Laroche next to his byline.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          ... because he sold an article about it.INT. DINER - DAYLaroche talks, mouth full of pie.    Orlean takes notes.                    LAROCHE          I consider the broken back -- in three          places, by the way. I have x-rays --              (fishes through bag)          -- a stroke of goddamn luck. I got          disability, married the sweetest woman in          the world. And me and my lovely new wife          -- my now ex-wife, the bitch -- got to          open our nursery.EXT. NURSERY - DAYLaroche and his wife, in wedding clothes, stand outside theirnursery The Bromeliad Tree posing for an auto-timed photo.Laroche wears a cumbersome back brace. The camera flashes.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman types tentatively. Off-screen we hear Donald'senthusiastic typing and giggling.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Movie opens with Susan Orlean typing.              (refers to Orchid Thief)          "John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a          stick...              (stops, flips through book)          Movie opens with a young boy picking out          his first pet...              (stops, flips through book)          Movie opens with...Kaufman stops, scratches his head.    His hand is covered withloose hairs. He whines.INT. DINER - DAYLaroche talks to Orlean.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              41.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE          People started coming out of the          woodwork, to ask me stuff, to admire my          plants, to admire me.INT. THE BROMELIAD TREE - DAYLots of lonely-looking customers admiring orchids. Larocheis in the midst of them, happily chatting with whomeverapproaches him. One guy pulls Laroche aside.                       CUSTOMER #1             John, what is this? It's so beautiful.                    LAROCHE          Catasetum tenebrosum. From Peru. It's          neat 'cause its dimorphic, which means...Customer #2 enters with a creepy, dark flowered orchid.                    CUSTOMER #2          Johnny baby!                    LAROCHE          Henry! Look at that Dracula vampira!          It's gorgeous, man.Other customers gather around.                    CUSTOMER #2          Take me in to the Fakahatchee. Show me a          ghost in bloom, and it's yours.                       LAROCHE          Cool.                    CUSTOMER #3          Mr. Laroche, would you be able to --Laroche picks up a ringing phone. Customer #3 continues totry and get his attention while he talks.                    LAROCHE          Bromeliad Tree. Hey, Dora! Good, good.          Well, sure, you gotta watch the          temperature. Don't want an odontoglossum          above seventy-five. Uh-huh, that should          be fine. Yeah, damp it down. Oh, I'm          doing well. She's fine, too. Sure...INT. VAN - NIGHTLaroche drives.    Orlean looks out at the dark night.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                                42.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE          I believe some folks'd call me up to talk          and just talk because they were lonely.Orlean looks at him.     After a long silence, Laroche muses:                     LAROCHE (cont'd)          You know why I love plants? Because          they're so mutable, so adaptable.          Adaptation is such a profound process.              (beat)          Adaptation means you figure out how to          survive in the world. People aren't too          good at that sometimes.INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAYKaufman sits with his agent Jerry in a glass-walled office.                       KAUFMAN             I don't know how to adapt this. I             should've just stuck with my own stuff.             I don't know why I thought I could --                        JERRY             See her?   I fucked her up the ass.Jerry waves at a passing beauty. She waves back, keepswalking. Kaufman follows the girl's ass with his eyes.                       JERRY             Just kidding. Hey, maybe I can help.             What's the problem, buddy?Kaufman looks at Jerry.     Will he accept help from an agent?                       KAUFMAN             It's about flowers.                       JERRY             It's not only about flowers. It's got             that crazy plant nut guy. He's funny,             right?Kaufman pulls out a folded newspaper clipping, reads:                       KAUFMAN             "There is not nearly enough of him to             fill a book," blah blah blah, so Orlean             "digresses in long passes" blah blah blah             "no narrative really unites these             passages." Blah blah blah blah blah.                 (looking up defiantly)                       (MORE)                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                          43.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          New York Times Book Review. I can't          structure this. It's that sprawling New          Yorker shit.Jerry gets distracted by another sexy woman walking by.                     JERRY          Oh man.   I'd fuck her up the ass.                    KAUFMAN          There's no story. The book has no story.                    JERRY          So make one up. The book's a jumping off          point. No one in town can make up a          crazy story like you. You're the king.                    KAUFMAN          I didn't want to do that this time. It's          someone else's material. I have a          responsibility... Anyway, I wanted to          grow as a writer, do something profound          and simple. Show people how amazing          flowers are.                    JERRY          Are they amazing?                    KAUFMAN          I don't know. I think they are.                    JERRY          Look, what I tell a lot of guys is pick          another film and use it as a model. I          always thought this one could be like          Apocalypse Now. The journalist spends          the whole movie searching for the crazy          plant nut guy -- what's his name?                    KAUFMAN          John Laroche.                    JERRY          She has to travel deep into the darkest          swamps to find the mysterious "Laroche."                    KAUFMAN          I need you to get me out of this.                    JERRY          Charlie, at the end of the day, I think          it would be a terrible career move.                                                          44.MONTAGEJumble of images: Laroche talking, flowers, Indians, Orlean,the trial. The rapid fire click-click of typing.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Okay, okay, we open with Laroche. He's          funny. Okay, he says, okay, he says, I          love to mutate plants, he says, mutation          is fun... Okay, we show flowers and,          okay, we have to have the court case.          Okay we show Laroche, okay, he says, I          was mutated as baby, that's why I'm so          smart...that's funny. Okay we open at          the beginning of time...no, okay, we open          with Laroche driving into the swamp...INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman awakes with a start. Enthusiastic off-screen typing.Kaufman peers through the darkness at the books, paperscoffee cups, and dirty plates all around.EXT. SWAMP - DAYBlack and white. It's dark, tangled with foliage, andforeboding. Two pioneers slog waist-high through the water.Alligators regard them menacingly.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          The pioneer-adventurers in Florida had to          travel inward, into a place as dark and          dense as steel wool. They had to          confront what a dark, dense, overabundant          place might have hidden in it.The scene turns into color. The men turn into mannequins.The floor is covered with black cellophane representing swampwater. The swamp turns to cardboard, with real orchidshanging from the trees. A guy carrying some orchids walks ontop of the cellophane, past the mannequins.INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTThe room is dark, lit only by the light of the TV Laroche'sfather watches. Laroche and Orlean sit on the couch.                    LAROCHE          The nursery was going well, but sometimes          bad things happen. Darkness descends.                                                  (CONTINUED)                                                             45.CONTINUED:Laroche glances at his father, who just stares at the TV. Onthe TV set are two framed photos: one of Laroche's sister andone of Laroche's mother.INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - DAYSUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, NINE YEARS EARLIERLaroche ushers his wife, mother, and uncle out of the house.His father watches TV. There's only a photo of Laroche'ssister on the TV set now.                    LAROCHE          Sure you don't want to come, dad?His father doesn't respond.INT. LAROCHE'S CAR - A FEW MOMENTS LATERThey pile into a nice new American car, his wife in front,his mother and uncle in back. Laroche pulls into traffic.                    UNCLE JIM          Nursery business good, Johnny?                    LAROCHE          Everything's good, Uncle Jim. This last          year's been a dream, I'm telling you.          We're finally pulling out of this debt.                    MOTHER          Amen, honey. Praise Allah, Buddha,          Vishnu. And all the rest of 'em.Laroche smiles back at his mother. A screech of tires andanother car crashes head on into theirs. Laroche's facesmacks against the steering wheel, his front teeth fly in alldirections. His mother rockets forward smashing through thewindshield. His uncle hits Laroche's wife in the head,jerking her forward and landing on top of her.EXT. CEMETERY - DAYBanged-up and missing his front teeth, Laroche stands amidsta group of mourners at a double funeral.INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAYLaroche, in his mourning suit, sits by his comatose wife.                                                            46.EXT. SEMINOLE DISCOUNT CIGARETTE STORE PARKING LOT - DAYIt's a busy street full of discount cigarette stores.Laroche and Orlean step from his van, head toward the store.                    LAROCHE          She divorced me soon after she regained          consciousness. Then the hurricane          destroyed my greenhouse. Everything. I          knew it would break my heart to start          another nursery, so when the Seminoles          wanted a white guy, an expert, to get          their nursery going, I took it.INT. DISCOUNT CIGARETTE STORE - CONTINUOUSLaroche pulls about ten Marlboro cartons off the shelf.                    LAROCHE          But I wasn't gonna give them a          conventional little potted-plant place.          So I came up with the "ghost" plan.   I          was gonna give them something amazing.INT. PARTY HOUSE - NIGHTKaufman, beer in hand, stands off in the corner of a roomcrowded with young Hollywood types. He talks nervously to apretty young woman                    KAUFMAN          ... see, Laroche researched it and found          that Indians have the legal right to take          endangered plants off state lands.                    WOMAN          What an amazing opening! So then it's a          courtroom drama. A Few Good Men! And          all those Indian rights issues are so          complex. There are valid arguments on          both sides. I mean we took their land!          We gave them smallpox!                    KAUFMAN          Well, actually, there wasn't much of a          trial. Florida got 'em on a          technicality, about cutting down non-          endangered trees. Even the Indians          aren't allowed to do that. They all          plead no contest. Laroche got fined five          hundred bucks and banned from the          Fakahatchee for six months.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                                 47.CONTINUED:                        WOMAN          Oh, wow.      So, like, then what happens?                    KAUFMAN          Nothing much. That's what I like. I          mean, most people's lives don't include a          lot of drama and I wanted to sort of be          compelling without having to resort to          big, um... Y'know what I mean?                    WOMAN              (glancing distractedly around)          Absolutely. I absolutely do.                    KAUFMAN          It's, like, Blake talked about seeing the          world in a grain of sand and heaven in a          wild flower. Y'know? Or like Hegel?The woman smiles, but she's somewhere else entirely.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - BEDROOMKaufman stares at his typewriter.        There's a big pile ofpapers next to him.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I am a failure. I'm a poseur. I have no          ideas. I wanted to do something great.          There's no story. I'm fat. I'm repuls--The phone rings.                         KAUFMAN (CONT'D)             What?                        VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)             Charlie?   It's Valerie.                         KAUFMAN             Oh, hi.    Hi. Hey!   Hi!                       VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)             Sorry to bug you. We were just talking             about you, how excited we are.                       KAUFMAN             Yeah, me too.                       VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)             So it's coming along good?                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                               48.CONTINUED:                       KAUFMAN             It's good. It's complicated what I'm             trying to do, but it's going very well.INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - EVENINGOrlean looks at a book called The Native Orchids of Florida.She comes to a photo of the ghost orchid glowing white on thepage. Orlean's husband walks by with a cup of coffee,caresses her shoulder. She tenses slightly, smiles up at himapologetically. He smiles back sadly. She returns to thephoto. A line of text catches her eye: "Should one be luckyenough to see a flower all else will seem eclipsed." Orleancloses the book, sits there. She dials the phone.                       LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Yeah.                    ORLEAN          Hello, John? It's Susan.                       LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Susie-Q!                    ORLEAN          So I was thinking it'd be good for the          article for me to go into the Fakahatchee          to see a ghost. Would you take me?                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          I'd love to, but, hey, I'm banned for the          next six months. Goddamn crucified me.          Get one of them monkey-suited rangers to          take you. 'Course, they wouldn't be able          to locate a ghost, if it climbed off a          tree and shoved itself up their ass.          Hey, put that in the article.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNINGA hollow-eyed Kaufman is zipping up a suitcase.                    KAUFMAN              (calling off-screen)          Travelling into the Fakahatchee, Donald,          is a perfect metaphor for writing. I'm          stepping into the confusion of the          unknown. I'm taking the big risk here.INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSDonald types cheerily on a lap-top computer at an ergonomicdesk. Kaufman descends the stairs with his suitcase.                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                                49.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          It's dark, dangerous, as dense as steel          wool. I don't know if I'll come out          alive, but if I do, I'll have something          true to give the world. That's the          difference between writing and aping some          moron's "principles."Donald looks up from his work.      He hasn't been listening.                       DONALD             Hey, Charles, I'm thinking of putting a             song in. Y'know like when characters             sing pop songs in their pajamas and dance             around. I thought it might be a nice way             to break the tension. So, try to think             of a song about split personality...INT. AIRPLANE - MORNINGOrlean sits in her seat and addresses the camera.                       ORLEAN             You would have to want something very             badly...INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHTKaufman reads The Orchid Thief.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          ... to go looking for it in the          Fakahatchee Strand.He can't concentrate, closes the book and watches astewardess tending to another passenger.INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHTKaufman fixes a salad in the kitchenette. The door opens andthe stewardess enters dragging her luggage on a little cart.                      KAUFMAN          Hey!    How was Denver?                    STEWARDESS          Oh, God, sweetie, I'm so glad to be home.She kisses him, looks lovingly at him.                    STEWARDESS (cont'd)          Can I get you something to drink?                                                             50.INT. AIRPLANE BATHROOM - NIGHTKaufman finishes jerking off, stands, pulls up his pants,adjusts himself, and exits the bathroom.INT. AIRPLANE - CONTINUOUSKaufman steps out of the bathroom. The stewardess is theretalking to another stewardess. She regards Kaufman blankly,then goes back to her conversation. He heads up the aisle.One of the stewardesses laughs. He tenses, takes his seat.INT. AIRPLANE - MORNINGOrlean watches the hundreds of square miles of black, wetFlorida swampland pass by below.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          An early surveyor made this entry in his          field notes...EXT. SWAMP - DAYSUBTITLE: FAKAHATCHEE, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN YEARS EARLIERA surveyor scribbles in a notebook.   The pond is alive withalligators.                    SURVEYOR (V.O.)          A pond surrounded by bay and cypress          swamp, impracticable. Full of monstrous          alligators, counted fifty and stopped.INT. HOTEL - NIGHTOrlean lies in bed, wide awake and anxious.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          Whatever isn't wet in the Fakahatchee is          blasted. The grass gets so dry that the          friction from a car can set it on fire,          and the burning grass can engulf the car          in flames. A 1940's botanist noted:EXT. PRAIRIE - DAYA botanist, in a hot, arid field, writes in a notebook.                    BOTANIST (V.O.)          Most impressed by the area's variety of          squirrels...                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             51.CONTINUED:A car drives by on the dirt road. It begins smoking. Thedriver jumps out of the car just as it bursts into flames.                    BOTANIST (cont'd)          ... and charred automobiles.We pull back to see the area filled with abandoned, burned-upold cars.INT. MIAMI AIRPORT CAR RENTAL BOOTH - DAYKaufman watches the pretty clerk working on the computer.She looks up, he looks down, studies his road map.INT. RENTAL CAR - EARLY MORNINGA charmingly bedraggled Orlean drives on a road surrounded byswamp. She talks to us.                    ORLEAN          The swamp's darkness and denseness can          rattle your nerves. A sailor on a pluma-          collecting expedition wrote in his diary:EXT. SWAMP - DAYSUBTITLE: FAKAHATCHEE, ONE-HUNDRED AND THREE YEARS EARLIERA luggish sailor sits in the distance on a stump, crying.                    SAILOR (V.O.)          The place looked wild and lonely. About          three o'clock it seemed to get on Henry's          nerves. We saw him crying, he could not          tell us why, he was just plain scared.EXT. STATE ROAD 29 - EARLY MORNINGOrlean drives onto the dirt road past the Fakahatchee signand talks to us.                    ORLEAN          The swampy part of the Fakahatchee is hot          and wet and buggy and full of cottonmouth          snakes and diamond back rattlers and...INT. RENTAL CAR - MORNINGKaufman drives down the same road surrounded by swamp.                                                  (CONTINUED)                                                             52.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          ... alligators and snapping turtles and          poisonous plants and wild hogs and...EXT. RANGER SHACK - MORNINGOrlean gets out of the car, knocks timidly on the shack door.Ranger Mike Owen answers.                       MIKE OWEN          Charlie?It's Kaufman standing there.                    KAUFMAN              (tremulous)          Yes. Hi.EXT. SWAMP - MORNINGThe sky is overcast. Mike Owen leads Kaufman through a coolswamp, which is completely dry. The two men walk easily onpeaty ground. Kaufman, slathered with sun screen and coveredhead to foot in unnecessary protective clothing, tries to beinterested in Owen's lecture.                    MIKE OWEN          So the whole ecosystem is six thousand          years old. Five to six thousand years          old. About that. Five or six.                       KAUFMAN          Okay.                    MIKE OWEN          Now the Fakahatchee is the largest of all          the cyrpess strands, probably in the          world. I don't know of any cypress          strand bigger. It's about twenty miles          long, or nineteen, nineteen to twenty,          nineteen... and right here it's about          five miles wide, four and a half, five.          So, again, it's twenty miles long, three          to five miles wide. And over here --EXT. SWAMP - LATERMike Owen holds a handful of peat.   Kaufman looks at it.                    MIKE OWEN          The oldest carbon dating they've done on          any of the peat out here is fifty-seven          hundred years. That's with carbon-14.                    (MORE)                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                               53.CONTINUED:                    MIKE OWEN (cont'd)          That's in the right age where you can          really date things accurately with carbon-          14, because it's half-life is fifty-five          hundred years, so they must have found          have of it gone and figured that...                       KAUFMAN             Why isn't it wet? Orlean wrote about             wading through black, corrosive water.             She said it was the scariest experience             of her life. And when I spoke to you on             the phone, you said wear heavy boots,             long pants and...                    MIKE OWEN          There's usually water. We've been going          through a bit of a drought. Say, have          you seen that movie, Medicine Man?          That's a good movie about protecting          nature. It shows there could be          something important in a rain forest we          don't even know about, like a cure for          cancer.                    KAUFMAN          It's not even hot. I was expecting it to          be awful. Sun beating down, wading          through water, looking out for snakes,          wild hogs. I was thinking it would be          dramatic. Alligators. Something!                     MIKE OWEN          The alligators are over by the lakes.          The temperature's a blessing for us.          This time of year can get uncomfortably          hot.               (pointing excitedly)          Green anole. Florida's most common.Kaufman looks down and sees a plain-looking little lizardhanging on a tree. Mike Owen jots it down in his notebook.                    MIKE OWEN (cont'd)          I try to keep a log of sightings.INT. TRUCK - DAYMike Owen drives.    Kaufman stares out the window at boringtrees.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          It had been a hard day and I hadn't seen          what I'd come to see. Maybe the ghost          orchid was a ghost after all.                    (MORE)                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                             54.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          There are certainly ghosts in the          Fakahatchee -- ghosts of rangers who were          murdered years ago by illegal plume          hunters, and of loggers who were cut to          pieces in fights, and for years there has          been an apparition wandering the swamp,          the Swamp Ape, which is said to be seven          feet tall and seven hundred pounds and          have the physique of a human, the posture          of an ape, and the body odor of a skunk.EXT. RANGER SHACK - DAYKaufman and Owen stand by Kaufman's car.                    MIKE OWEN          What Laroche did was wrong. Those          flowers belong to all of us, all 250          million of us -- 250? I think it's up to          270 now -- And belonging to all of us          means they belong to none of us. Nobody          has a right to take them. Not me, not          you, not John Laroche, not...Kaufman is desperate for something else.    He blurts:                    KAUFMAN          Listen, um, Susan Orlean wrote about a          legendary creature called a Swamp Ape.          Have you ever heard stories or --                    MIKE OWEN              (pissy)          Tourist garbage! I don't know why people          need to invent silly creatures to make          nature fascinating. Isn't nature amazing          enough?                    KAUFMAN              (shamed)          I just asked because she mentioned it.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTOrlean, still dirty from the swamp, holds a phone to her earand talks to us. She has cute little dirt smudges on herface.                    ORLEAN          That night I called Laroche.                       ORLEAN                 (into phone)             I didn't see anything but bare roots.                       (MORE)                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             55.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN (cont'd)          And I had this thought. Maybe the ghost          orchid only blooms in the minds of people          who've walked too long in the swamp.INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHTOrlean types. It's pouring and sheets of rain beat againsther window. She glances at her husband, across the roomreading a book. She sighs, continues typing.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          What I didn't say to him is that life          seemed to be filled with things that were          just like the ghost orchid -- wonderful          to imagine and easy to fall in love with          but a little fantastic and fleeting and          out of reach.INT. RENTAL CAR - EVENINGKaufman drives down a Florida strip-malled highway. Hepasses a Barnes and Noble, a Burger King, a Starbucks. Heparks in front of a California Pizza Kitchen.INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN (FLORIDA) - EVENINGKaufman watches the waitresses. One approaches his booth.Her name badge reads: Caryn, Tampa, FL. She smiles atKaufman as she looks right through him.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTA morose Kaufman sits on the bed reading The Orchid Thief.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          What I didn't say to him was that life          seemed to be filled with things that were          just like the ghost orchid -- wonderful          to imagine and easy to fall in love with          but a little fantastic and fleeting and          out of reach.Kaufman is deeply moved. He hi-lites the passage, then looksat the smiling photo of Orlean. He finds himself lost in it.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTOrlean, dirty from the swamp, is on the phone.                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)              (beat,clears throat)          Jesus Christ, of course there are ghost          orchids out there! I've stolen them!                    (MORE)                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                                56.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE) (cont'd)              (beat, a cleared throat)          You should have gone with me.CLOSE-UP OF MAGAZINEThe line: "... then he cleared his throat and said: 'Youshould have gone with me.'"                    VALERIE (O.C.)          Beautifully written. A really unique          piece.PULL BACK TO:INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAYBusy lunch crowd. Valerie sits at a table with Orlean and anopen New Yorker magazine.                        ORLEAN          Thank you.      Thanks very much.                    VALERIE          We're big fans.                    ORLEAN          Oh, thank you.                    VALERIE          And Laroche is such a fun character.                    ORLEAN          Yeah, John's a character all right.                    VALERIE          It's funny and fresh.     And sad in a way.                    ORLEAN          Well, thanks. Thank you.                    VALERIE          So we were wondering, what's next?                    ORLEAN          Oh, um, Random House wants me to expand          it into a book. So I'll be doing that.                    VALERIE          And there'll be more of Laroche?                        ORLEAN             Yeah.   More John, more orchids.                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                            57.CONTINUED:                    VALERIE          Y'know, we'd really like to option it.                    ORLEAN              (laughing)          You want to make this into a movie?                    VALERIE          Laroche is such a fun character.   So...INT. VAN - DAYLaroche, wearing a Cleveland Indians T-shirt, drives crazilythorugh the Hollywood Seminole reservation. Orlean holds on.                     LAROCHE          No shit I'm a fun character.              (beat)          Who's gonna play me?                    ORLEAN          I've got to write it first. Someone's          gotta write the screenplay. Most things          never get made. It's premature to --                    LAROCHE          I think I should play me.Laroche swerves into a parking space in the nursery lot.EXT. SEMINOLE NURSERY   - DAYLaroche and Orlean get out of the van.                    LAROCHE          I've got all the right qualities. While          you write, I'll take an acting class.A few young Indian guys are hauling bags of potting soil.They look at Laroche sourly. Laroche indicates the giantcartoon Indian on his T-shirt.                    LAROCHE          I wear this just to screw with 'em.INT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUSLaroche enters his office, looks at some papers on his desk.                    LAROCHE          Most of them don't even bother calling me          John anymore. It's "Crazy White Man"          now.                    (MORE)                                                  (CONTINUED)                                                            58.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          "Crazy White Man" is a good title for the          movie. Call the book "Crazy White Man."          Or, I don't know, "Collector of Hearts"          or something.Before Orlean can respond, Laroche picks up the phone anddials an impossibly long number. He waits, gestures forOrlean to sit on a chair piled high with junk.                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          You won't hurt anything.Orlean moves the junk over, shares the seat with it.                    LAROCHE (cont'd)              (Yelling into phone)          Hello? Hello? Hi? This is John Laroche          from the Seminole Nursery. Sem-ih-nole!              (to Orlean)          How do you say Seminole in Spanish?              (into phone)          That's right, yes! Yeah, I want to order          some more of those pink string beans!          Pink string beans!              (yelling)          Pink String Beans! Pink String Beans!Buster appears in the door.                    LAROCHE (cont'd)              (into phone)          I'll call back.              (hangs up)          Hey, Buster.                    BAXLEY          John.                    LAROCHE          I was trying to order some pink string          beans from Argentina.                    BAXLEY          No kidding.                    LAROCHE          I figure just because Project Ghost          Orchid is dead, we're not closing shop.                    BAXLEY          Listen, John --                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                              59.CONTINUED: (2)                    LAROCHE          We'll get into plant multiplication. Buy          little ones, turn 'em into big ones, sell          'em at a profit. Simple plant          multiplication for the masses.                    BAXLEY          John, we're thinking maybe now's a good          time for you to take a few weeks.                    LAROCHE          I don't need a vacation, Buster.                    BAXLEY          It's a good time.   Things are slow.Laroche stares at Buster.   Buster stares back.                    LAROCHE          Y'know, the guys on my crew here, all          they do is smoke weed all day. I been          meaning to talk to you about that. So if          it's a question of productivity --INT. VAN - A FEW MINUTES LATERLaroche weaves through traffic.   Orlean holds on.                    LAROCHE          They're gonna fire me. Goddamn politics.          Crazy White Man's bad publicity.              (pounds steering wheel)          I can't believe I'm dealing with this!              (pounds steering wheel)          Like I could give a damn. If they fire          me, I'll sue. I already did some legal          research on this when I was doing the          other shit. They can't fire me. And I          ain't going to quit.MONTAGEGray skies. Kaufman drives his rental car: he looks at theSeminole Nursery, the Collier County Courthouse, Laroche'shouse. He drives through swampy terrain. He walks around atan orchid show, he attends a slide-show orchid lecture. It'sall dull. He ends up sitting on a bench on an empty beach,staring out at the ocean.INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAYOrlean dials the phone.   It rings for a long time.    Finally:                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                             60.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)              (groggy)          Yeah?                    ORLEAN          John, it's Susan.              (waits for response)          Orlean.              (waits)          So, I was just wondering if you might be          willing to talk some more.                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          What about?Orlean rolls her eyes.                    ORLEAN          C'mon, John, I'm trying to put together a          book. Don't just abandon me down here.                    LAROCHE          I'm no longer interested in orchids. I'm          pursuing other avenues. I apologize for          any inconvenience this might cause you.Orlean is silent, taps her fingers on the bedside table.                    LAROCHE          Thank you for your time.Laroche hangs up. Orlean sits there for a moment, flipsthrough her list of orchid collector names.EXT. EMPTY BEACH - DAYKaufman sits on the bench, looking out at the ocean. Anattractive, spandexed couple skate by, chatting in German.He watches the woman, hoping for a look, for something. Hedoesn't get it. They're gone. A tan older man sits on thebench, lights a cigarette. Kaufman continues to look at theocean, even though he feels the guy's eyes on him. Hedoesn't want to engage.                    GUY ON BENCH          We could use the rain, huh?Kaufman nods, looking at the ocean.      Pause.                    GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)          So you from around here?Kaufman shakes his head "no."   Pause.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             61.CONTINUED:                    GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)          So where then?                    KAUFMAN          California.                     GUY ON BENCH              (excitedly)          Yeah? I'm moving to L.A. I just wrote a          screenplay. I sent it to a lot of          agents. But if they turn me down, I'll          go there and market it myself. I used to          be in marketing in New York, so I know          exactly how to sell this thing.              (beat)          Where's a nice place to live if you don't          have a car?                    KAUFMAN          You kind of need a car. I guess West          Hollywood would be okay.                    GUY ON BENCH          So you recommend West Hollywood then.                    KAUFMAN          I'm not recommending it.Pause.                    GUY ON BENCH          I moved down here for a change, and I          wrote the screenplay. Just like that.          It's a great idea.The old guy waits for a response.    He gets none.                    GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)          It's about a mob guy, but it's not your          regular mob story. There's a twist. A          cop tells this mob guy's wife that the          mob guy's cheating on her. But the truth          is, the cop's lying because he wants her          for himself. See, they used to go          together in high school.              (waits for response, then:)          You know anything about screenplays?Kaufman shakes his head.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             62.CONTINUED: (2)                     GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)          Well, the object is to make people think          you're going in one direction, then you          twist it to keep 'em surprised. I came up          with all these amazing twists out of          nowhere. Well, not nowhere.              (beat)          I'm a born again Christian.              (beat)          You have faith?                       KAUFMAN          No.     Not really.                    GUY ON BENCH          You don't believe in anything?Kaufman shrugs.                    GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)          I don't know how you can look out at this          beautiful ocean and not believe there's          an intelligence that created it.                    KAUFMAN          I don't know.                    GUY ON BENCH          Well, you can't know until you experience          it. That requires accepting Jesus Christ          as your Lord and Savior. Believe me.          Lookit, if I was to show you a bottle of          clear liquid and told you it was vodka,          how would you know if it really was or if          it was water? There's only one way.                    KAUFMAN          I'd smell it.                    GUY ON BENCH              (annoyed)          No. You can't smell vodka.    You'd have          to taste it, right?                    KAUFMAN          It could be poison.    I don't know you.                    GUY ON BENCH              (angry)          Look, let's go with the analogy I'm          drawing here. It's not poison. Okay?              (resuming control)                    (MORE)                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            63.CONTINUED: (3)                    GUY ON BENCH (cont'd)          So you'd have to taste it to know.          Right? That's my point.                    KAUFMAN          Right.                     GUY ON BENCH          That's all I'm saying.              (beat)          So West Hollywood, huh? I think I'll          make it out this year. Because how long          can you look at an ocean, y'know?MONTAGESusan Orlean talks to various orchid enthusiasts, visitsnurseries, sits in lecture halls, attends orchid shows, sitsin the library reading orchid books. She is bored anddistracted.INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHTA stewardess places a cup and an airline-sized bottle ofvodka down in front of a lost Kaufman. He smiles at her.    Noresponse. He opens the bottle and smells the vodka.INT. LIMO - NIGHTKaufman sits in the back seat and stares out the window. Thedriver looks at him a couple of times in his rearview mirror.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I have failed. I have nothing to say.    I          am fat. I am not a writer.                    DRIVER          Mr. Kaufman, do you mind if I ask what          type of work you do for Sony?                    KAUFMAN          I'm a writer.                    DRIVER              (impressed)          A song writer?                    KAUFMAN          No, I'm a screenwriter.                    DRIVER          Oh, wow! Good for you. You mind if I          ask what your movie's about?                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                             64.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          It's about flowers.No response.   Kaufman tries to make it interesting.                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          It's about this poacher who steals          orchids out of a swamp.                    DRIVER          I heard about that!   Drug flowers, right?                     KAUFMAN          Yeah.   That's it.                    DRIVER          I heard about that! That's great!          Action-adventure is my favorite genre.INT. EMPTY HOUSE - NIGHTKaufman enters with his bags and heads to the stairs.Donald, typing furiously at his desk, looks up.                    DONALD          How was Florida, man?                    KAUFMAN              (climbing the stairs)          Okay.                    DONALD          Cool! Hey, my script's going amazing!          Right now I'm working out an Image          System. Bob calls it an invaluable          asset. Because of my multiple          personality theme, I've chosen the motif          of broken mirrors to show my          protagonist's fragmented self. Bob          teaches that an Image System greatly          increases the complexity of an aesthetic          emotion.                    KAUFMAN          You sound like you're in a cult.Kaufman disappears upstairs.                    DONALD          No, it's just good writing technique.              (types, then:)                    (MORE)                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            65.CONTINUED:                    DONALD (cont'd)          Oh, I made you a copy of McKee's Ten          Commandments. I've posted one over both          our work areas.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSKaufman tears down MCKEE'S TEN COMMANDMENTS. Donald appearsbacklit in the doorway and seems oddly threatening.                    DONALD          You shouldn't have done that.They look at each other.    Donald breaks the tension, smiles.                    DONALD (cont'd)          'Cause it's extremely helpful.              (lies down on floor)          Hey, any sign of that Swamp Ape?                       KAUFMAN             There is no Swamp Ape. It was invented             for people who can't find the actual             world fascinating. Y'know?                    DONALD          Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Sorry.          Hey, I got a song! "Happy Together." I          was worried about putting a song in a          thriller, but Bob says, Casablanca, the          greatest screenplay ever written, did          exactly that. Mixed genres.                    KAUFMAN          I need to go to bed, Donald.    I haven't          slept in a week.                       DONALD          Okay.Donald remains on the floor.MONTAGE SEQUENCEMishmash of images: alligators snapping, Laroche jabbering,Orlean typing, 19th century orchid poachers slogging, orchidsblooming, Mike Owen lecturing.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          ... so we open the swamp... okay,          flashback to young Laroche had turtles...          Okay, Susan says What Is Passion? And          okay we open on a swamp and suddenly a          white van comes tearing around...                                                             66.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman lies half-awake in bed, sweating, his eyes dartingback and forth. He looks over at the clock. It's 3:32.                     KAUFMAN          Damn it.Donald snores happily off-screen.   Kaufman switches on alamp, pulls The Orchid Thief from his bag, flips through it.There are now many yellow hi-lited passages. He reads one.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          There are too many ideas and things and          people, too many directions to go. I was          starting to believe the reason it matters          to care passionately about something is          that it whittles the world down to a more          manageable size.                    KAUFMAN          Such sweet, sad insights.   So true.Kaufman flips to the glowing, smiling author photo.                    KAUFMAN          And you're... I like looking at you.He stares at the photo.   Its smile broadens.    It talks.                    ORLEAN PHOTO          I like looking at you, too.   Charlie.The photo smiles warmly at him.   Kaufman begins to jerk-off.He closes his eyes.Then: Kaufman and Orlean are in his bed together, makinglove. She smiles at him throughout. They finish.Then: Kaufman is alone in bed, heaving. He looks at thestill smiling photo. It somehow seems sleepy now.                    KAUFMAN          I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid          I'll disappoint you. You've written a          beautiful book. I can't sleep. I'm          losing my hair. I'm fat and repulsive --                    ORLEAN PHOTO          Shhh. You're not. Whittle it down,          focus on one thing in the story, find the          thing you care passionately about and          write about that.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              67.CONTINUED:Kaufman studies her delicate, melancholy face.      He's in love.                    ORLEAN PHOTO (cont'd)              (sweet, flirty smile)          I figured there might be something...INT. KITCHEN - MORNINGKaufman paces and talks animatedly into his mini-recorder.                    KAUFMAN          We see Susan Orlean, delicate, fragile,          beautiful, haunted by loneliness, typing          at her desk. She looks at the camera and          talks to us: "John Laroche is a tall guy,          skinny as a stick, pale-eyed, slouch-          shouldered..."Donald enters in his underwear, pours coffee.                       DONALD          Morning.                       KAUFMAN          Hey, hey.                    DONALD          You seem chipper.                       KAUFMAN          I'm good.     I have some new ideas.                    DONALD          Cool. Me too. I'm putting in a chase          sequence now. The killer flees on          horseback with the girl. The cop is          after them on a motorcycle. It's like a          battle between motors and horses.                       KAUFMAN             They're all still one person, right?                       DONALD             Yeah, hey, that's the big pay-off.                     KAUFMAN              (nice)          Well, it sounds exciting.                    DONALD          Thanks, man. Thanks.                                                             68.INT. CAR - DAYOrlean drives through swampy landscape.   She talks to us.                    ORLEAN          I suppose what I'd been doing in Florida          was trying to understand how people found          order and contentment and a sense of          purpose in the universe by fixing their          sighs on one single desire. Now I was          also trying to understand how someone          could end such intense desire without a          trace.Orlean stops at a payphone and dials.   It rings for a while.                     LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)              (groggy)          Yeah what?                    ORLEAN          Hello, John, it's Susan.                     LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Yeah hi.                    ORLEAN          So, how's everything going?                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Great! I'm training myself on the          internet. It's fascinating. I'm doing          pornography. It's amazing how much these          suckers will pay for photographs of          chicks. And it doesn't matter if they're          fat or ugly or what.                    ORLEAN          That sounds good.                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          It's great is what it is.                    ORLEAN          So I've been meeting a lot of orchid          people, going to shows, I thought you          might want to hear about it.                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Sorry. I am officially no longer          interested in orchids or the losers who          are still interested in them. The end.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                            69.CONTINUED:Laroche hangs up.   Orlean looks off into the flat distance.                    ORLEAN          If you really loved something, wouldn't a          little of it always linger?She turns to the camera.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman holds The Orchid Thief open with one hand and typeswith the other.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Susan Orlean drives. The golden light of          the afternoon sun caresses her sweet          face. She talks to us.              (copying from book)          "Florida is a landscape of transition and          mutation, a hybrid of ..."Kaufman's hand slips, the book shuts. He opens it to thewrong page and sees an About The Author paragraph. The lastline jumps off the page: "She now lives in New York City withher husband."EXT. L.A. STREET - NIGHTKaufman wanders the street, distraught.   A passing womansnickers.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman types.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Susan and her husband eat dinner in          silence. A dying relationship. Husband:          You want to do something tonight? Susan:          I should work. Y'know. I got stuff...INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAYKaufman and Orlean move furniture into the room. It nowlooks warm and inviting. Orlean wears a bandana kerchief.                    KAUFMAN          I'm so thrilled I get to adapt your book,          get to merge my thoughts with yours. I          love that. It's intimate, like a          marriage.                                                   (CONTINUED)                                                              70.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN          Not like a marriage.                    KAUFMAN          Maybe what marriage could be.Her eyes tear up.    She kisses him.                    ORLEAN          Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?          My three years in Florida meditating on          my inability to experience passion          resulted in my finding it with you.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNINGKaufman paces with his mini-recorder.    Off-screen typing.                    KAUFMAN          ... and in the final sequence Susan as a          young girl swings alone in the backyard.          From high in the air she sees her parents          in separate rooms staring blankly in          opposite directions. This symbolizes the          profound scarring their waning passion          has had on the girl's psyche, how she          became afraid to ever really love          something because it would go away.Kaufman is immensely pleased.    He smiles at Orlean's photo.                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          This is good. I'm finding you.The phone rings.                       KAUFMAN          Yallo?                    VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)          Hi, Charlie. It's Valerie. Just bugging          you again. How's everything going?                       KAUFMAN          Good.     I think really good now.                      VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)          Great.    So I spoke to Susan yesterday.                     KAUFMAN              (beat)          Oh. Uh-huh, uh-huh.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                              71.CONTINUED:                    VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)          I told her you were making terrific          progress and she's really excited to read          the script.Sweat appears on Kaufman's brow.                        KAUFMAN          Oh.   Good.                    VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)          And she said she'd love to meet you.All color drains from Kaufman's face.                    KAUFMAN          Um, well, y'know, for me it's distracting          to... or confusing to discuss what I'm          exploring in the screenplay at this          point... before I finish... it. So...                    VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)          That's fair. I'll let her know.                    KAUFMAN          Tell Susan I'd be very happy to meet her          at a future date. As she sees fit.                     VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)          Okay.   Good enough.                    KAUFMAN          And tell her how much I love her book.          Say I think she's such a great writer.                     VALERIE (cont'd)          Will do.   Just keep us posted, Charlie.                     KAUFMAN          Okay.   Nice talking to you.   Okay then.Kaufman hangs up and looks at the photo of Orlean. It'sstill smiling, but not at him. It's not glowing. Maybe it'seven smirking. Kaufman paces frantically, holding hisstomach. Donald's off-screen typing grows louder.INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSDonald types at his desk on his computer.    Kaufman storms in.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                             72.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          You can sit here and pretend to be a          writer, mocking the seriousness of what I          do, like some kind of fucking funhouse          mirror version of me! But let me tell          you, you don't know what writing is!Kaufman grabs his stomach, doubles over.INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - DAYKaufman is on a gurney and hooked up to an IV. He watches aslightly haggard woman with a bandaged head sitting in asmall room across the hall. She glances over in hisdirection. He smiles. She looks through him.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          She thinks I'm repulsive.He lies there for a moment, then his eyes light up.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAYKaufman types passionately on his computer.                     KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Movie opens.: Charlie Kaufman, fat, old,          bald, paces the room. His voice-over          carpets the scene. "I am old. I am fat.          I am bald. My toenails have turned          strange. I am repulsive. How repulsive?          I don't know for I suffer from a          condition called Body Dysmorphic          Disorder."INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAYKaufman, looking tired and wild-eyed, sits with his agent.                    JERRY          ... we need to talk about the orchid          script. Valerie called yesterday.          They're getting antsy.                    KAUFMAN          I think I've got it on track now.                     JERRY          Good.   She said you sounded weird.                    KAUFMAN          No Hollywood bullshit. Just raw truth.          Sometimes that takes a while to find.                                                   (CONTINUED)                                                            73.CONTINUED:                      JERRY          Okay.    What's the time frame here?                    KAUFMAN          It's goddamned honest, Jerry.   It's true.                    JERRY          Oh, hey, my friend sent me this fucked-          up internet thing. It's a girl taking a          shit, but a trout comes out. You got e-          mail yet? I'll send it to you.                    KAUFMAN          This is more honest than anything          anyone's ever done before in a movie,          I'll tell you that. The only truth we          can offer is the truth that's our own          experience of the world. "The great          poet, in writing himself, writes his          time." T.S. Eliot.                    JERRY          It sounds good, buddy. But we do need to          give Valerie a ballpark --                    KAUFMAN          I'm sick of their constant harassment!EXT. SWAMP - DAYBlack and white shot of Laroche and the Indians sloggingthrough Fakahatchee. The camera swoops down and the sceneturns into a mannequin version.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          On December 21, 1993 John Laroche and          three Seminoles illegally removed one          hundred and thirty rare plants from the          Fakahatchee Strand State Preserve.INT. MIAMI CONVENTION CENTER - DAYIt's an enormous hall filled with people setting up elaboratedisplays.   Martin Motes and his assistant work on theLaroche display. Orlean watches them. Motes looks up.                    MOTES          You've been checking out the displays?                      ORLEAN          Yeah.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                             74.CONTINUED:                    MOTES          It's the Miami centennial, we're supposed          to illustrate something about Florida          history.                   ORLEAN          Right. Now Laroche is part of Florida          history. As a mannequin.                    MOTES          It's a world of words to the end of          it./In which nothing solid is its solid          self. You'll have to forgive me, I'm a          reformed poetry professor.Orlean is moved by the quote.                    ORLEAN          Who is that?                    MOTES          Wallace Stevens.INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - NIGHTOrlean stands in the poetry section and reads a WallaceStevens book.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          The greatest poverty is not to live/In a          physical world, to feel that one's          desire/is too difficult to tell from          despair.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman is on the floor typing.   His mini-recorder is on.                    KAUFMAN'S VOICE (ON RECORDER)          Kaufman sits across from Valerie, a          pretty film executive. He eyes her as          she picks at her salad. She looks up and          he looks down. He sweats. She          compliments him on his work. She rubs          her nose. He pulls at his nostrils. He          tries to sound like he knows what he's          talking about. He's full of shit.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTOrlean dials the phone.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             75.CONTINUED:                      LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Yeah.                    ORLEAN          John, it's Susan.                      LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          I know.                    ORLEAN          I went to the Orchid Society Show a          couple of days ago.                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          I'm not interested.                    ORLEAN          There was a display of you stealing the          ghost orchids. You're famous.                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          I'm not involved in that world now.                    ORLEAN          So, look, John, I still haven't seen a          ghost. And I was wondering --                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Yeah, yeah. I'll take you in.                     ORLEAN          Really?   Thank you so much!   I just...                    LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)          Tomorrow. Pick me up at 5:30 am or it'll          get too hot. I'll buy all the supplies          we'll need.INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHTKaufman types.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Kaufman jerks off to the book jacket          photo of Susan Orlean.Donald appears in the doorway with a script.                      KAUFMAN          What?!    What do you want?                    DONALD          I finished. My script.    I'm done.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            76.CONTINUED:Kaufman stares at his typewriter, doesn't say anything.                    DONALD (cont'd)          So would you show it to your agent?Kaufman grabs Donald's script and throws it on his bed.                    DONALD (cont'd)          Thanks. Also, I wanted to thank you for          your idea. It was very helpful. I          changed it a little. Now the killer cuts          off body pieces and makes the victims eat          them.   It's, like, I once saw this          picture of a snake swallowing it's tail --Kaufman collapses, puts his head in his hands.                    KAUFMAN          Ourobouros.                    DONALD          I don't know what that means.                    KAUFMAN          The snake is called Ourobouros.                    DONALD          I don't think so. But it's cool for my          killer to have this modus operandi.          Because at the end when he forces the          woman, who's really just him, to eat          herself, he's also eating himself to          death.                    KAUFMAN          I'm insane. I'm Ourobouros.                    DONALD          I don't know what that is.                    KAUFMAN          I've written myself into my screenplay.          It's eating itself. I'm eating myself.                     DONALD          Oh.   That's kinda weird.                    KAUFMAN          It's self-indulgent. It's narcissistic.          It's solipsistic. It's pathetic. I'm          pathetic. I'm fat and pathetic.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                             77.CONTINUED: (2)                    DONALD          I'm sure you had a good reason, Charles.          You're an artist.                    KAUFMAN          The reason is I'm too timid to speak to          the woman who wrote the book. Because          I'm pathetic. Because I have no idea how          to write. Because I can't make flowers          fascinating. Because I suck.                    DONALD          Hey, am I in the script, too?                    KAUFMAN          I'm going to New York. I'll meet her.          That's it. That's what I have to do.                    DONALD          Don't get mad at me for saying this,          Charles, but Bob's got a seminar in New          York this weekend. So if you're stuck --Kaufman shoots Donald a look.INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATERThe lights are off.   Orlean is in bed, sleeping fitfully.INT. PLANE - NIGHTKaufman reads Ann Landers's column in a paper dated July 4th.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Give yourself a reality check. Phoniness          is transparent, and it is tiresome. Take          pleasure in the beauty and wonders of          nature. A flower is God's miracle.Out the window he sees colorful fireworks far down below,like small flowers blooming on the black earth. His eyeswell with tears.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTKaufman sleeps fitfully.EXT. SWAMP - DAYOrlean walks through alone, panicked. All the vegetation isgreener and crazier-looking than we've seen before. Thingsslither by in the water, brush up against her.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            78.CONTINUED:She tenses, steps into a sinkhole, flails, gets tangled in avine, which wraps around her leg as she attempts to extricateherself. She falls face forward into the black water.INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUSOrlean snaps awake, bedcovers tangled around her legs. Sheheaves, looks at the clock. It's 3:30. She stares at theceiling. She looks at the clock again. It's 3:30. Shelooks at the clock again. It's 4:10. She closes her eyes.She opens them, looks at the clock, the room is filled withmurky water, the bed an island of dryness. An alligatorpokes its nose out of the water, begins to climb onto thebed. Orlean jumps back, hits her head on the headboard. Theroom is back to normal. The clock reads 4:23. She closesher eyes. The alarm goes off.EXT. LAROCHE'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNINGOrlean pulls up to the curb where Laroche stands, dressed ina short sleeve shirt, thin pants, and his Miami Hurricaneshat. He opens the door and climbs in.                    ORLEAN          Where are our supplies?                    LAROCHE          Got everything I need right here.Laroche pulls a new pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.Orlean turns off the ignition and stares at the steeringwheel. Laroche shrugs.                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          Look, don't worry about it. We'll get          crap at the Indian trading post on          Alligator Alley. Hey, want me to drive?INT. CAR - A BIT LATERThe sun has come up strong. It looks hot. Laroche speedsalong with one finger on the wheel, paying little attentionto the road. The car veers onto the shoulder, he lazilycorrects it. Orlean is tense.                    LAROCHE          I remember one time when I was a kid,          fifteen or so, my mother and I came to          the Fakahatchee to look for a ghost to          photograph. We walked for hours, through          the most intense heat I'd ever felt.   We          couldn't find one. I wanted to turn          back. But my mom said, no.                    (MORE)                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                             79.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          She said, John, if you keep searching for          something past doubt, past hopelessness,          past the absolute certainty that you'll          never find it, if you keep searching past          that, there it'll be. So we walked. I          had goddamn bloody blisters on my feet.          And we found ourselves in this charred          prairie, desolate, sun blasted, y'know.          And there in the middle of it was this          one gorgeous, snowy Polyrrhiza lindenii.They drive in silence for a little while.   She watches him.INT. OFFICE - DAYOrlean types at her desk.   She turns to us and talks.                    ORLEAN          He made it sound like a Bible story, the          hopeful journey through darkness into          light. I never thought many people in          the world were like John, but I was          realizing more and more that Laroche was          an extreme, not an aberration -- most          people in some way or another do strive          for something exceptional, something to          pursue, even at their peril, rather than          abide an ordinary life.EXT. MIDTOWN NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAYKaufman, sweaty and anxious, walks along. He arrives at theNew Yorker building and enters with steely determination.INT. BUILDING - A FEW MINUTES LATERKaufman waits for the elevator, sweating even more profusely.The elevator doors open. People get off, people get on, theelevator doors close. Kaufman still stands there.EXT. SWAMP - MORNINGLaroche and Orlean step off the levee into black water. Theysink to their knees. The ground is soft; it's a struggle topull their feet up to walk. Things slither past in thewater. Something big runs by in the distance. Bees, anddragonflies hover. Gnats and mosquitoes bite. Birdsscreech. Frogs croak. Laroche points to a yellow flower.                    LAROCHE          Here we go. Encyclia tempensis.Laroche lights a cigarette.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             80.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          Nice little sucker, isn't it?Orlean examines it from a distance.                      ORLEAN          Cute.Laroche continues walking and Orlean attempts to keep pace.He points at a tiny orchid on another tree.                    LAROCHE          Clamshell orchid. You know that.                      ORLEAN          Uh-huh.                    LAROCHE          See, I found you two already. I'll show          you every orchid you want today. I'll          find you a fucking ghost if it kills me.              (pointing to another orchid)          Rigid Epidendrum. That's an ugly-ass          orchid. But I'm no snob. I'm interested          in all orchids. Not just pretty ones.INT. COFFEE SHOP - A FEW MINUTES LATERA miserable Kaufman sits in the window, sipping coffee andwatching the New Yorker building across the street. Hesteels himself, exits the coffee shop.INT. ELEVATOR - A FEW MINUTES LATERKaufman rides up in the crowded elevator. It stops a fewtimes; people get off and on. Kaufman sweats. The doorsopen. The New Yorker logo is painted on the wall oppositethe elevator. Nobody gets off or on. The doors close. Theelevator continues up. Kaufman hates himself. Soon theelevator is emptied out with the exception of Kaufman. Itbegins its descent and stops once again at the New Yorker.This time Orlean gets on. Kaufman is absolutely panicked.Orlean looks at him blankly, presses "lobby", and facesfront. Kaufman sweats, studies the back of her head. Theelevator arrives at the lobby. Orlean gets out. Kaufmanhesitates, then follows.EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAYOrlean walks along.   Kaufman follows her.                                                              81.EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNINGThe sun is much higher in the sky. Orlean is a sweaty mess,frizzed hair, anxious, scraped, dirty.                    LAROCHE              (peppy)          They're right nearby.    Just follow me.INT. RESTAURANT - DAYOrlean sits by herself, reading Vanity Fair. Kaufman sits afew tables away. He scribbles in his notebook.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Reads Vanity Fair. Funny detail: New          Yorker writer reads Vanity Fair. Use!A waitress brings a tuna sandwich and an ice tea to Orlean.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          Likes tuna, drinks ice tea. Good          character details. Good stuff!Orlean looks up from her magazine and smiles at the waitress.                     ORLEAN          Thanks.   Could I get some lemon please?The waitress nods and leaves.   Kaufman scribbles.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          Likes lemon in tea and her voice is not          at all what I imagined. Interesting!EXT. SWAMP - NOONOrlean follows Laroche. She watches him start off in onedirection, stop, start off another direction, then gostraight ahead. Orlean seems depressed.                    ORLEAN          Laroche, can I ask you a personal          question?Laroche turns and scowls at her.                    LAROCHE          We're not lost.EXT. NYC STREET - DAYOrlean window shops at a shoe store.   Kaufman takes notes.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                               82.CONTINUED:                       KAUFMAN (V.O.)             Eyeing Stuart Weitzman pumps.    Okay.Orlean heads down the street. Kaufman follows. She entersthe New Yorker building. Kaufman waits outside.EXT. SWAMP - DAYThe sun is hot. Laroche is twenty feet ahead of Orlean. Shewatches him march forward with great authority. She massagesher eyebrows, leaving a residue of dirt on her face.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTKaufman reviews his notes.       He is sweaty and wild-eyed.                       KAUFMAN (V.O.)             I have nothing. I am nothing.     I am fat.             I am over. I am lost.EXT. SWAMP    - LATERThe sun is high. Orlean and Laroche sit on dry ground. Shestares at him. Laroche won't look at her. He busies himselfopening the backpack and pulling out food. Finally, Larochespeaks without looking up.                       LAROCHE             We're not lost.Laroche takes out a cigarette, lights it.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             I'm just turned around a little.He looks up at her, sees her staring at him. He pokes aroundon the ground for something, comes up with a straight twig.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             A sundial. I'll just set this up, wait a             few minutes, and we'll be able to tell             which way the sun is moving. We want to             be heading southeast.Laroche sticks the twig into the ground, stares at it.                        LAROCHE (cont'd)             This is no big deal. You should eat             something.Orlean takes a cracker. This relaxes Laroche. He stretcheshis legs, knocks over the twig. Without looking at Orlean,he puts the twig back.                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                            83.CONTINUED:                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             So do you collect anything?                       ORLEAN                 (non-responsive)             Not really.                       LAROCHE             Well, y'know it's not really about             collecting the thing, it's about --                       ORLEAN             The sundial isn't working.Laroche looks down at it.                       LAROCHE             It is so working.Orlean stares at the twig in the ground. She looks atLaroche. Laroche smiles sheepishly at Orlean. Rage andpanic sweep across her face, her fists clench into balls.Her eyes become wild, some dark fantasy plays out in herbrain. Laroche seems unaware.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             The thing about computers. The thing I             like is that I'm immersed in it but it's             not a living thing that's going to leave             or die or something. I prefer having the             minimum number of living things to worry             about in my life.Orlean's anger softens.    She looks sadly at Laroche.                       ORLEAN             So, John...                       LAROCHE             Okay, fuck the sundial. We'll just go             straight and eventually we'll get there.They rise.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)             What I mean is we'll get somewhere. Out             of here. I mean, logically, we have to             get out as long as we walk straight.Laroche points them in a direction and they walk.                                                             84.INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNINGKaufman is sleeping. It looks like it's been a rough night.The phone rings. He reaches for it.                        KAUFMAN          Hello?                    JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)          Hey, it's Jerry. I woke you?                    KAUFMAN          No, it's okay.                    JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)          How's it going? Has it been helpful to          talk to the writer? What's her name?                      KAUFMAN          Yeah.    Susan Orlean.                    JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)          Well, I mean, are you making headway?          Valerie's breathing down my neck.                    KAUFMAN          You can't rush inspiration.   Y'know?                    JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)          Okay, fine. Um, the other reason I'm          calling is to tell you Me, Myself, and I          is just amazing.                    KAUFMAN          What the hell is Me, Myself, and I?                    JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)          Your brother's script. It's tight,          inventive. A smart, edgy thriller. The          best spec script I've read this year.                        KAUFMAN          Oh.   Good.                    JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)          I'm gonna sell it for a shitload. Two          fucking talented guys in one family.          Y'know, maybe you could bring Donald on          to help you finish the orchid thing.                    KAUFMAN          Jerry, don't say that.   I mean --                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             85.CONTINUED:                       JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)             Just a thought, buddy. He's really             goddamn amazing at structure.                       KAUFMAN             Jerry, I gotta go. I have an             appointment. I gotta go.                       JERRY (TELEPHONE VOICE)             Adios, buddy. Finish! Finish!EXT. NYC STREETS (MONTAGE) - MORNINGKaufman wanders. He eyes other sad-looking, balding,overweight men wandering the streets also.                       KAUFMAN (V.O.)             I am fat. I can't write. I am             repulsive. I am old. I have             accomplished nothing. I am just one more             old, fat, bald man on the street.EXT. SWAMP - DAYLaroche leads the way. There's a sadness, a sense of defeatand humiliation that he tries to conceal. Orlean is stony.                       LAROCHE             I've done this a million times. Whenever             everything's killing me, I just say to             myself, screw it, and go straight ahead.Laroche leads Orlean back into the brush.EXT. NYC STREET - MORNINGKaufman sees a white school building ahead, glowing in thesun. He walks toward it.INT. LOBBY - MORNINGThe lobby of an auditorium, crowded with enthusiastic peoplesigning up for something. Kaufman waits in line.    Hewatches the handsome guy ahead of him flirt with anattractive female registrar. The guy moves on and theattractive registrar looks without interest at Kaufman.                       REGISTRAR             May I help you?Kaufman averts his eyes from her cool gaze; they come to reston a pile of McKee's book Story next to her.                                                            86.INT. AUDITORIUM - A BIT LATERKaufman sits in the packed room.   McKee paces the stage witha mic clipped to his lapel.                    MCKEE          Years from now you'll be standing around          a posh cocktail party congratulating          yourself on how you spent an entire          weekend locked in a room with an asshole,          an opinionated arrogant asshole, for your          art.The audience laughs, except for Kaufman who looks pained.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I am pathetic. I am a loser.    I am fat.                    MCKEE          So... what is the substance of writing?          Nothing as trivial as words is at the          heart of this great art, my friends.McKee continues to talk but his voice goes under.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          I have failed. I am panicked. I am fat.          I have sold out. I am worthless. I...                    MCKEE          Literary talent is not enough. First,          last, and always, the imperative is to          tell a story.Kaufman watches with disdain as people take notes.                    MCKEE          Twenty three hundred years ago, Aristotle          said, when storytelling goes bad in a          society, the result is decadence.              (deadpan)          Well, just look around you.Everyone, except Kaufman, laughs giddily at McKee's joke.                    MCKEE (cont'd)          Aristotle also said: A story must have a          beginning, a middle, and an end.The students nod in appreciation at this profundity.                                                            87.INT. AUDITORIUM - LATERMcKee scribbles a diagram onto a transparency in an overheadprojector. It's some kind of complicated time-line with act-breaks and corresponding page numbers indicated. Theaudience members take copious notes. Kaufman sweats.                    KAUFMAN (V.O.)          It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of          conviction that brings me here with all          these desperate idiots lapping up          everything this bag of wind spouts. Easy          answers. Rules to short-cut yourself to          success. And here I am, because my jaunt          into the abyss brought me nothing. Well,          isn't that the risk one takes for          attempting something new. I should leave          here right now. I'll start over --              (starts to rise)          I need to face this project head on and --                    MCKEE          ... and God help you if you use voice-          over in your work, my friends.Kaufman stops, looks up, startled.    McKee seems to be lookingat him.                    MCKEE          God fucking help you! It's flaccid,          sloppy writing. Any idiot can write          voice-over narration to explain the          thoughts of a character. You must          present the internal conflicts of your          character in image, in symbol. Film is a          medium of movement and image.Kaufman looks around at people scribbling in notebooks. "Anyidiot..." writes the guy on one side of him. "Flaccid..."writes the guy on the other side.                    MCKEE (cont'd)          Okay, one hour for lunch.EXT. NYC STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATERStudents exit onto the street in small groups. Kaufmanwanders by himself. His face is troubled. There is no sound.                                                           88.INT. AUDITORIUM - LATERMcKee lectures. Kaufman sits and listens. A copy ofAristotle's Poetics sits on his lap. The book features abust of Aristotle on the cover.                    MCKEE          You want your writing to be original.          You want to have an original voice like          Neil Simon or Nora Ephron. Well, let me          tell you something, my friends. The key          to originality is not eccentricity.A guy behind Kaufman gives an appreciative "mmmm."                                                 DISSOLVE TO:INT. AUDITORIUM - LATERIt's late. The audience is tired, but still attentive. NowKaufman takes serious notes. McKee, energetic as ever, wearshis sweater tied around his shoulders. We stay firmlyplanted on his face as he talks and talks.                    MCKEE          Long speechs are antithetical to the          nature of cinema. The Greeks called it          stykomythia -- the rapid exchange of          ideas. A long speech in a script, say a          page long, requires that the camera hold          on the actor's face for a minute. Look          at the second hand on your watch as it          makes one complete rotation around the          clock face and you'll get an idea of how          intolerable that would be for an          audience. The ontology of the screen is          that it's always now and it's always          action and it's always vivid. Life is          rarely vivid. And that's an important          point. We are not recreating life on the          screen. Writers are not tape recorders.          Have you ever eavesdropped on people          talking in a coffee shop? Then you know          how dull and tedious real conversation          is. Real people are not interesting.          There's not a person in this world -- and          I include myself in this -- who would be          interesting enough to take as is and put          in a movie as a character.                                                 DISSOLVE TO:                                                             89.INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER STILLMcKee faces the audience, holding a cup of coffee.                    MCKEE          Someone asked me recently, Bob, do you          think Michelle Pfeiffer is pretty.He pauses theatrically, sips his coffee, then:                    MCKEE (cont'd)              (deadpan)          Michelle Pfeiffer is proof, my friends,          that there's a fucking God.The overtired audience breaks into uproarious laughter.Kaufman, with dark circles under his eyes, giggles a little.                    MCKEE (cont'd)          Okay. That's it for tonight. Remember,          there'll be a Q and A tomorrow morning          before class starts.INT. HOTEL - NIGHTKaufman tosses and turns in bed.                                                    DISSOLVE TO:EXT. DREAM-LIKE FIELD - DAYThe daguerreotype Darwin, the Aristotle sculpture, the Hegelengraving, and the Orlean book jacket photo are alive and inthe middle of brutal and bloody fist fight.INT. AUDITORIUM - MORNINGKaufman, bleary-eyed, sits in the back.   McKee paces.                    MCKEE          Anyone else?Kaufman timidly raises his hand.                     MCKEE (cont'd)          Yes?                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            90.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          You talked about Crisis as the ultimate          decision a character makes, but what if a          writer is attempting to create a story          where nothing much happens, where people          don't change, they don't have any          epiphanies. They struggle and are          frustrated and nothing is resolved. More          a reflection of the real world --                    MCKEE          The real world? The real fucking world?          First of all, if you write a screenplay          without conflict or crisis, you'll bore          your audience to tears. Secondly:          Nothing happens in the real world? Are          you out of your fucking mind? People are          murdered every day! There's genocide and          war and corruption! Every fucking day          somewhere in the world somebody          sacrifices his life to save someone else!          Every fucking day someone somewhere makes          a conscious decision to destroy someone          else! People find love! People lose it,          for Christ's sake! A child watches her          mother beaten to death on the steps of a          church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody          else betrays his best friend for a woman!          If you can't find that stuff in life,          then you, my friend, don't know much          about life! And why the fuck are you          taking up my precious two hours with your          movie? I don't have any use for it! I          don't have any bloody use for it!                    KAUFMAN          Okay, thanks.EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHTThe last of the students are filing out. Kaufman waits,leaning against the building. McKee emerges, carrying hisbrown leather bag. A shaky, tired Kaufman approaches him.                       KAUFMAN          Mr. McKee?                       MCKEE          Yes?                    KAUFMAN          I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                           91.CONTINUED:                    MCKEE              (trying to recall)          I need more.                    KAUFMAN          I was the one who thought things didn't          happen in life.                    MCKEE          Oh, right, okay.    Nice to see you.                    KAUFMAN          I need to talk.                    MCKEE          I make it a rule not to give private          tutorials to my seminar students. It          wouldn't be fair to the others.                    KAUFMAN          Mr. McKee, please. My even standing here          is very scary. I don't meet people well.          I'm self-conscious and timid. But what          you said this morning shook me to the          bone. What you said was bigger than my          screenwriting choices. It's about my          choices as a human being. Please.McKee hesitates for a moment, then reaches out and puts hisarm around Kaufman.                    MCKEE          I could use a drink, my friend.EXT. SWAMP - DAYLaroche and Orlean slog through the water with purpose,looking only straight ahead. As they walk the sounds andcolors become subdued. Soon there is silence.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          We turned to the right and saw only more          cypress and palm and sawgrassThey turn left and see metal flashing in the sunlight.                    ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)          So we turned to the left, and there, far          down the diagonal of the levee, we could          see the gleam of a fender. We followed          it like a beacon all the way to the road.Orlean and Laroche walk toward the car.                                                               92.INT. BAR - NIGHTKaufman and McKee sit at a table with beers.   Kaufman readsfrom his copy of The Orchid Thief.                    KAUFMAN          ... We followed it like a beacon all the          way to the road.Kaufman closes the book.   There's a pause.                    MCKEE          Then what happens?                    KAUFMAN          That's the book. I wanted to present it          simply, without big character arcs or          sensationalizing the story. I wanted to          show flowers as God's miracles.   I          wanted to show that Orlean never saw the          blooming ghost orchid. It's about          disappointment.                    MCKEE          I see. That's not a movie.     You must go          back and put in the drama.                    KAUFMAN              (pause)          I've got pages of false starts and wrong          approaches. I'm way past my deadline. I          can't go back.                    MCKEE          Ah, the everpresent deadline. Yes, I was          doing a Kojak once and... it was hell.McKee sips his beer, eyes Kaufman.                    MCKEE (cont'd)          Tell you a secret. The last act makes          the film. You can have an uninvolving,          tedious movie, but wow them at the end,          and you've got a hit. Find an ending.          Use what you've learned this weekend.          Give them that and you'll be fine.Tears form in Kaufman's eyes.                    KAUFMAN          You promise?McKee smiles.   Kaufman hugs him.   McKee recognizes his bulk.                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                                93.CONTINUED:                       MCKEE             You've taken my course before?                       KAUFMAN             My brother did. My twin brother Donald.             He's the one who got me to come.                       MCKEE             Twin screenwriters. Julius and Philip             Epstein,who wrote Casablanca were twins.                       KAUFMAN             You mentioned that in class.                       MCKEE             The finest screenplay ever written.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTA drunken Kaufman paces, tries to read Story. McKee's TenCommandments are taped to the wall. As is a photo ofMichelle Pfeiffer ripped from a magazine.                       KAUFMAN (V.O.)             Climax. A revolution in values from             positive to negative or negative to             positive with or without irony -- a value             swing at maximum charge that's absolute             and irreversible.Kaufman is lost.       He rubs his temples.   He dials the phone.                       DONALD (PHONE VOICE)             Great writers residence.                         KAUFMAN             Donald.                       DONALD (PHONE VOICE)             Hey, how's the trip? Gettin' it on with             that lady journalist? You dog you!                       KAUFMAN             Yeah. Listen, I'm calling to say             congratulations on your script.                       DONALD (PHONE VOICE)             Isn't that cool? Jerry says he can make             me, like, high-sixes against a mill-five.                       KAUFMAN             That's great, Donald.                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                             94.CONTINUED:                    DONALD (PHONE VOICE)          I want to thank you for all your help.                    KAUFMAN          I wasn't any help.                    DONALD (PHONE VOICE)          C'mon, you let me stay in your place and          your integrity inspired me to even try.                    KAUFMAN          Well, look, I've been thinking, maybe          you'd be interested in hanging out with          me in New York for a few days.                    DONALD (PHONE VOICE)          Oh my God, yes! I'm flattered!INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNINGDonald lies on his back on the floor intently reading thescript. Kaufman paces. Donald finishes, is quiet.                    KAUFMAN          So, like, what would you do?                    DONALD          Script kind of makes fun of me, huh?                     KAUFMAN          Sorry.   I was trying something.   I --                    DONALD          Hey, I don't mind.   It's funny.                      KAUFMAN          Okay.    So, what would you do?                    DONALD          You and me are so different, Charles.          We're different talents.                    KAUFMAN          I know. Just for fun. How would the          great Donald end this script?                    DONALD              (giggling)          The great Donald.              (serious)          Well, I mean... do you need the whole          court case?                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             95.CONTINUED:                   KAUFMAN         Uh, it's what happened to Laroche.   It's         kind of important.                   DONALD         It's boring. No offense. A courtroom         scene should be dramatic. Stick the         ruling in a line of dialogue, maybe.                       KAUFMAN         Um.   Okay.                   DONALD         Too much about orchids. Get rid of it.         Pare that stuff down to a minimum.         Frankly, I'd focus more on the         relationship between the brothers. I         think that's the gold here. No one cares         about orchids.                   KAUFMAN         The book's about orchids.                   DONALD         That's a problem. But don't let it ruin         the movie. I mean, for example, use the         orchids in a more dramatic way. Have         some kind of bang-up, crazy action         sequence in the swamp. Use the swamp         better. It's a tremendous fictional         world. A setting of great dramatic         possibility.                    KAUFMAN          That's true. But --                   DONALD         And put some twists in. Reveal some         surprising thing about Laroche. God,         what am I doing giving suggestions to         you? I mean you're like a seasoned         professional. You're an artist.                   KAUFMAN         C'mon, you're the "mill-five" kid.                   DONALD             (enjoying this)         Shut up!             (thinks)         I love the Laroche porno web-site stuff.         Is that real? Maybe make a bigger deal         of that. I don't know.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            96.CONTINUED: (2)                    KAUFMAN          I think it's real.   I haven't actually          seen the site.                    DONALD          It's sex, man! Incorporate it.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTThe front door opens and Kaufman enters. The lights are off,but the room is aglow with light from Donald's laptopcomputer. Kaufman sees a silhouetted Donald masturbating infront of the computer. Donald looks up, caught.                    DONALD          Oh, hi, I was doing some research.   I          found Laroche's site and... I'm          embarrassed.                    KAUFMAN          Jesus, Donald.Kaufman passes Donald, glances at the grainy nude on thescreen. He's stunned. It's Orlean smiling at him.                    DONALD          What? She's kinda cute. You don't like          her? I dunno, I think she's okay. It's          not like I'm marrying her.Kaufman shows Donald Orlean's book jacket photo.                     DONALD (cont'd)          Oh, wow.   That's kind of a twist, huh?                     KAUFMAN          Jesus.   Jesus!                    DONALD          I think this is maybe a good thing for          the script. Go ask her about this.                    KAUFMAN          I'm not gonna ask her about this.                    DONALD          You want me to? I don't mind.                    KAUFMAN          No, I don't want you to.                    DONALD          I could easily pretend I'm you.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                                97.CONTINUED:                       KAUFMAN          No!    No!INT. NEW YORK OFFICE BUILDING - DAYDonald, dressed like Kaufman, waits by the elevators. Orleanemerges. He's about to talk to her, when she pulls out acell phone and dials. Donald decides to be a spy and followsher out of the building.EXT. NEW YORK OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUSOrlean talks on the phone.       Donald trails close behind her.                       ORLEAN             So you'll pick me up?    Yeah, tomorrow.Orlean stops to look in a shoe store window. Donald stopsand looks in the window also. Orlean doesn't notice him.                       ORLEAN (cont'd)             Ten-twenty. TWA. Yes, of course I will.Donald walks off.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTDonald is focused on the computer. Kaufman sits in a chairin the corner. Both men are in pajamas.                       KAUFMAN             What was she wearing?                       DONALD             I don't know. Like a dress maybe.                       KAUFMAN             Did she look at me?    At you?                    DONALD          Finally! Da-da-da-daaaaah! S. Orlean,          TWA flight 651. Arriving Miami 10:20          tomorrow morning.Donald turns and smiles across the room to Kaufman.                    KAUFMAN          I don't want to do this, Donald.                    DONALD          We'll go together.       It'll be good.                                                        (CONTINUED)                                                             98.CONTINUED:Kaufman looks squeamish. Donald picks up a hairbrush, holdsit to his mouth. He starts to sing "Happy Together."Kaufman smiles sheepishly, shrugs Donald off. Donaldpersists. Finally Kaufman joins in. They do the wholenumber and fall laughing into each other's arms.EXT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAYOrlean waits with a suitcase outside the terminal. The beat-up white van pulls up. Orlean gets in, the van speeds off.Another car pulls away from the curb and follows it.INT. CAR - A BIT LATERDonald drives, keeping up with the van, which speeds andswerves through traffic. Kaufman is sweaty, nervous.                     KAUFMAN          It's so weird to actually see that van in          real life.                    DONALD          So you want to build the symbolic charge          of the story's imagery from the          particular to the universal. Okay?                    KAUFMAN          Okay, but when you're creating an image          system, how do you know --EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATERThe van pulls into the driveway of a neat, middle-classhouse. Kaufman and Donald drive by, in time to see Orleanand Laroche emerge from the van. Orlean seems different now:more exotic. She's wearing some kind of sexy sarong. Donalddrives up the street, parks, gets out of the car, and watchesas Laroche lugs Orlean's suitcase into the house.                    DONALD          I'll get a closer look.   You wait here.                    KAUFMAN              (momentously)          No, I want to go. I should go. I mean,          it should be me, right? I mean...                    DONALD          Go for it, bro. You the man.Kaufman gets out of the car. Donald gets in, perusesKaufman's script. Kaufman walks past the house, trying topeer in windows. He sees nothing. He slinks around back.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                               99.CONTINUED:In the yard, Kaufman finds a greenhouse.    It's filled withrow upon row of ghost orchids.                       KAUFMAN          Holy...There's movement in a window in the house.    Kaufman ducks.                    LAROCHE (O.S.)          Darlin', I dunno what's come over you!Kaufman crawls over to the house, lifts his face to thewindow. Orlean and Laroche are laughing, kissing, groping,and undressing each other. Kaufman is heartbroken buttransfixed. Suddenly Laroche locks eyes with Kaufman.                    ORLEAN          Don't stop, Johnny.Laroche jumps up and runs naked to the back door.                    ORLEAN (CONT'D)          Johnny! Where are you going?Kaufman makes a mad dash around the side of the house.Laroche cuts him off, grabs him, drags him into the house.INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUSLaroche throws Kaufman down into a chair. The chair slidesacross the floor, tips over. Orlean seems uninterested. Shekisses Laroche's leg.                    LAROCHE          Who the hell are you?Kaufman notices Laroche has a set of beautiful, white teeth.                    KAUFMAN          I just... nobody, I just --Laroche shakes Orlean off his leg, kicks Kaufman in the gut.                       LAROCHE             Who the fuck are you?                       KAUFMAN             Um. I'm just. I was at the wrong house.             I'm looking for the Johnson family.                       LAROCHE             I got your Johnson family right here.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                                100.CONTINUED:Laroche kicks Kaufman in the head.     Orlean kisses Laroche'sback. Kaufman whimpers.                    ORLEAN          Honey, come back to bed.                    LAROCHE          Who the hell sent you?      Rudy?                       KAUFMAN          I'm not --Again Laroche kicks Kaufman in the head.      His scalp bleeds.                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          I'm the screenwriter.                    LAROCHE          What the fuck does that mean?                     KAUFMAN          I'm the guy adapting her book.      Her book          about you.This registers with Laroche.                    LAROCHE          Jesus Fucking Christ.              (then, trying to make sense)          Why the fuck were you in my backyard?                    KAUFMAN          I was, um, trying... I don't know.Orlean is unforgiving.                    ORLEAN          Who's the bloody fat guy?                    LAROCHE          This is the fellow adapting your book for          the movies, darling'.                    ORLEAN              (excited)          Really? I wanted to meet --              (realizing)          Oh. What does he know?                       KAUFMAN             I don't know anything.   I swear.                                                         (CONTINUED)                                                            101.CONTINUED: (2)                    LAROCHE          He knows about the greenhouse.              (to Orlean)          We can't have this appear on the silver          screen.                      KAUFMAN          It won't.    I don't even under --                    ORLEAN          Johnny, I'm so tired now.Orlean lies down.   Laroche paces.   Donald peers, unseen, intothe back window.                    LAROCHE          He needs to be gotten rid of.                      KAUFMAN          What?!Donald's eyes widen. Laroche paces. Orlean watches Laroche,fascinated by his every muscle movement.                    LAROCHE          Small article in newspaper.Orlean snaps out of her muscle fixation, becomes fixated onhis voice, his lips.                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          Screenwriter doing research for movie          about notorious orchid poacher was found          drowned in the Fakahatchee after          accidentally slipping and hitting his          head on a rock. End of story. Is that          credible from a journalistic standpoint?                    ORLEAN          Johnny, come lie on top of me.                    LAROCHE          Focus, darling'. Is this credible?                     ORLEAN               (concentrates)          Um, oh... this screenwriter was killed          doing research in Jamaica a few years          ago.               (to Kaufman)          Screenwriter, you have a car?                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            102.CONTINUED: (3)                    KAUFMAN          I, um, no, I --Laroche gets ready to kick him again.                    KAUFMAN (cont'd)          A rental, a rental.                    ORLEAN          We drive his car there, leave it on the          side of the swamp. That works.                     LAROCHE          Good.   I like that.                    ORLEAN              (to Kaufman)          Sorry.                     KAUFMAN          Please.Donald disappears from the window.INT. RENTAL CAR - BEFORE DAWNKaufman drives. The headlights shine on Laroche's van ahead.Orlean, no longer stoned, sits next to him, holding a gun.She skims Kaufman's screenplay.                     KAUFMAN          I thought I had a sense of you from your          book.              (beat)          I had a little crush on you, to tell the          truth. You're different than I thought.                     ORLEAN          Huh.                    KAUFMAN          Look, I don't care what you two are you          doing.   Please don't kill me.                    ORLEAN          Hey, here's one of my lines.              (mockingly reading from screen)          "Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?          My three years in Florida meditating on          my inability to experience passion          resulted in my finding it with you."                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            103.CONTINUED:                    KAUFMAN          I was trying to do something.                    ORLEAN          Well, it's kind of pathetic, dontcha          think?They drive in silence.    Orlean reads more of the screenplay.                    ORLEAN          Here's me! Here's me again!              (mocking)          "I wanted to know what it's like to care          about something passionately."Orlean laughs derisively.                    KAUFMAN          You can laugh, but I didn't make that          line up. That's a quote from your book.                    ORLEAN          Yeah, I know, Charlie-boy. Chill. I'm          laughing at who I used to be. It's sad.                    KAUFMAN          So now you learned about passion.              (jealous)          From Weirdo Laroche. Bully for you.                    ORLEAN          You can't learn about passion. You can          be passion. And it wasn't John who made          me passion. It was orchids.                    KAUFMAN          I thought you didn't even like orchids.                    ORLEAN          I lied about what happened at the end of          the book. On the way out of the swamp...EXT. SWAMP - DAYLaroche leads Orlean through the swamp. He spots somethingon a tree, circles it, and stands there, awestruck. Orleancomes around and sees a beautiful ghost orchid hanging fromthe tree.                       LAROCHE             The jewel of the Fakahatchee.Orlean looks at it, tries to feel some passion for it, can't.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             104.CONTINUED:                    ORLEAN          I still don't get it. I mean, there it          is. I can see it's pretty, but --                    LAROCHE          You'll get it.Laroche pulls a saw from his bag and cuts the branch.INT. BASEMENT - DAYThere's a makeshift lab. Laroche is extracting some gooeysubstance from the nectary.                    ORLEAN (V.O.)          Back in John's basement he explained his          real plans for the ghost. He'd          discovered a chemical inside with          psychoactive properties. His plan had          always been to clone the flower and make          a fortune marketing this drug. It was          Laroche's kind of plan, it wasn't a          controlled substance because the          government didn't know it existed.INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTOrlean nervously snorts some green powder off the coffeetable while Laroche watches. She talks to the camera.                    ORLEAN          The first time I tried it, the split          second it took effect, I understood          orchids. I loved them with a passion I'd          never felt for anything. For anyone.The drug takes effect and Orlean turns away from us, becomesfixated on the ghost orchid sitting on the table before her.She smells it, caresses it, cries at its beauty.INT. RENTAL CAR - BEFORE DAWN                       ORLEAN             Isn't it curious? An orchid made me             passionate about orchids.                       KAUFMAN             You're throwing the truth away for a             chemical confusion of your synapses --                       ORLEAN             With this powder I am passionate about             everything.                       (MORE)                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                              105.CONTINUED:                     ORLEAN (cont'd)          I'm alive in a profound world now. It          sizzles with beauty and horror and sex.          Now writing is -- words are -- a way to          remove yourself from passion. So I'm          done with writing. John and I are making          a fortune with this extract. It's big in          the Miami club scene. We call it          "Passion."              (giggles)          Isn't that cute?Up ahead, Laroche turns off the road at the Fakahatchee sign.                    ORLEAN (cont'd)          Follow him, please.EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - A LITTLE WHILE LATERLaroche parks. Kaufman parks behind him. Orlean gestureswith her gun for him to get out. As Kaufman comes around thecar, he sees Donald on the floor of the back seat. Larocheemerges from his van with a flashlight and a rifle slung overhis shoulder. Orlean prods Kaufman to follow him. Kaufmanshakes and whimpers as they all step down into the thigh-highwater. They slog through silently. Laroche stops.                    LAROCHE          This spot looks good.              (thinking aloud)          Now how do we do this? Hit him in the          head with a rock first? Keeping in mind          we can only hit him once and only with as          much force as would be created by him          slipping and falling onto the rock.Laroche paces. Orlean finds a place to sit on a hammock.She unwraps a small square of paper and snorts something outof it. Kaufman shivers. Orlean's drugs kick in.                       ORLEAN             Holy Jesus. Holy...   Hey, baby, hey...Orlean trails off.    Laroche talks to the spaced out Orlean.                       LAROCHE             Should we drown him, then hit him on the             head? Uh-uh. A body bleeds different if             the heart's stopped. These new forensic             guys are very smart. We really have to             know our corpses to stand a chance: rigor             mortis, lividity, putrefecation, ocular             changes.                       (MORE)                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                                106.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE (cont'd)          Maybe you think we hit him on the head          and force water into his lungs after he's          dead? No, darlin'. They'll know he          didn't drown. See, contrary to popular          belief, the lungs do not -- do not --          fill with water in a drowning. What          happens is, choking causes an irritation          of the mucous membranes. This creates a          shitload of mucus in the windpipe.          Efforts to breathe turn the mucus into a          sticky foam which may or may not mix with          vomit. It's the presence of this white          foam that indicates drowning. There's a          lot to be aware of, Susie. Shoeprints,          hair, microscopic fibers. Tire tracks.          They all tell a tale to today's forensic          scientists.              (to Kaufman)          What do you think? You're a writer. How          would you do it? What's a good way to          kill somebody?                    KAUFMAN          I don't write this kind of bullshit.                    LAROCHE          Don't get all huffy, I was simply --Suddenly Laroche gets whacked in the back, flies forward intothe water. Orlean looks up, spaced.    She's confused by asecond Kaufman standing there with a bag of potting soil.Donald grabs Kaufman and they run back toward the road.Laroche pulls himself from the water.                       LAROCHE (cont'd)          Fuck!                       ORLEAN                 (receptively)             Yeah, let's, baby.She staggers moonily toward Laroche.      He pushes her away.                       LAROCHE             Not now. We got to kill that guy. And             now I guess that other guy as well.                       ORLEAN                 (disappointed)             Ohhh.                                                            107.INT. CAR - CONTINUOUSKaufman and Donald speed along the swamp road.                    KAUFMAN          For Christ's sake, why didn't you do          something while we were in the car?                    DONALD          My back had seized.     I couldn't move.Laroche's van pulls close to them and rams them from behind.                    KAUFMAN          Shit!It rams them again, this time sending them down into theswamp. The van stops. Donald tries to back the car onto theroad; the wheels just spin. Laroche steps out of the van.                    DONALD          We've gotta ditch this thing.                    KAUFMAN              (hysterical)          It's a rental! It's a rental!                    DONALD          Now!Kaufman and Donald climb from the car, make their way deepinto the swamp. Laroche follows them in on foot, draggingOrlean, who is admiring all the plant life.                    ORLEAN          That's beautiful! What's that, Johnny?          What's that one called? I just so want          to fuck that flower, don't you?                    LAROCHE          Asclepias lanceolata. Red milkweed.          Extremely fuckable. But we don't have          time.Laroche shoots at the brothers.    Kaufman whines.                    LAROCHE              (to Orlean)          What's his name?                    ORLEAN          Um, y'know... Charlie or something.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                           108.CONTINUED:                    LAROCHE          Charlie! Listen, let's talk! This pie          is big enough for four people!              (to Orlean)          Why are there two of him?Orlean shrugs.                    ORLEAN          Identical twigs?              (laughs crazily)          Did I say twigs? I meant twins.Kaufman and Donald run through a colony of sawgrass. Itslices them like razor blades. Kaufman yells in pain. Bloodoozes through their shirts and pants.                    LAROCHE          Cladium jamaicense, guys. Sawgrass. You          want to watch out for that. That's some          evil shit. Cut you up.                    KAUFMAN          Fuck you, Laroche!                    LAROCHE          Just tryin' to be helpful. Walk with us          and I'll be sure you avoid all the          pitfalls. I know these swamps forwards          and backwards. There's alligators and          poisonous snakes, fellas. Wild hogs.Kaufman and Donald are stopped by a large body of water.Nowhere to go. Laroche and Orlean close in. The brothersrun along the periphery of the lake. Donald stops.                     DONALD          Wait.   Do you hear something?Kaufman stops, hears a distant galloping and squealing.                    KAUFMAN          Donald, that sounds bad.The brothers run in the opposite direction. The gallopinggets louder. It's wild pigs. Donald spots an airboat on theshore. They jump onto it, search hysterically in the darkfor bow to start it.   The pigs get closer. Laroche andOrlean get closer. Donald finds a button, presses it, theengine starts. They pull away from the shore just as thepigs catch up. One pig leaps on board, squealing. Kaufmankicks at it as Donald attempts to steer the boat. A kickconnects and the pig flies into the water.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                           109.CONTINUED: (2)Laroche stands at the shoreline and fires his rifle. Itnicks the boat. Donald looks back and the boat heads for acypress stand.                    KAUFMAN          Watch out, watch out, watch out!Donald gets the boat back on course. Laroche and Orlean havebeen left far behind. Donald slows the boat.                    DONALD          I think we're okay.Suddenly Laroche's van comes tearing around a corner andspeeds along the road at the water's edge. Orlean shoots atthe boat from the van window.                      DONALD (cont'd)          Hold on!Donald speeds up. The van keeps up, the shooting continues.Bullets whiz. Kaufman puts his head in his hands. A bullethits the airboat's gas tank. It explodes in a ball of flame,illuminating the whole swamp. Kaufman and Donald are thrown,along with flaming pieces of debris. Donald treads water,looks all around for Kaufman.                      DONALD (cont'd)          Charles?!    Charles?! Where are you?Underwater. A dazed Kaufman tries to get his bearings. Themurky lake bottom is lit a dim orange by the fire on thesurface. An alligator appears. Kaufman panics, surfaces.On the surface, Donald spots Kaufman pop out of the water,then get jerked back down. Donald dives.Underwater. The alligator violently shakes Kaufman by theleg. Donald surfaces, comes back down with a brokenpropeller blade. He hacks the alligator's head off, grabsKaufman, and brings him to the surface.Donald swims to shore with Kaufman in tow.    Another shot isfired. It skims the water near Kaufman.                     KAUFMAN          Fuck!   Fuck, Donald, we're dead.                    DONALD          We're okay. How's your leg?                    KAUFMAN          I don't know. How's your back.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                           110.CONTINUED: (3)                       DONALD          It's fine.     My back is fine.Laroche and Orlean circle the lake in the van, shooting.Mike Owen, in pajamas, leaves his house, jumps in his truckand agitatedly drives toward the noise and flames.Donald makes it to shore. He climbs out and is helpingKaufman, when he gets hit by a bullet and falls.                       KAUFMAN          Donald!Kaufman sloshes to shore. His right leg is bloody andmangled. He lifts his brother's head onto his lap.                    KAUFMAN          You're gonna be okay.                    DONALD          No.  But don't let them get you, too.              (weak smile)          You got a fucking awesome third act.                    KAUFMAN              (crying)          Donald, this is an awful, bizarre thing          to say and an awful time to say it, but          I'm sorry I didn't get to know you          better. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.                    DONALD          It's really... You've been really nice.                    KAUFMAN          See, it's just I thought I knew you          already. I thought you were me. And I          hated me.Donald touches Kaufman's face. Kaufman looks at his brother.Donald's face glows radiantly in the fire light.                    DONALD          Well, don't do that anymore.      Okay?                       KAUFMAN          Okay.Donald dies. Kaufman screams heavenward. The van appearsout of the bush, barreling for them. Kaufman rolls hisbrother out of the way, and limps off into a slough. The vanfollows, smashes into a tree, and comes to a halt.                                                    (CONTINUED)                                                                 111.CONTINUED: (4)Smoke pours from the grill and is lit by the headlights.         Outof the smoke, Laroche and Orlean appear with guns. Theyfollow Kaufman into the swamp.Mike Owen pulls next to the disabled van. He gets out,surveys the mess, sees bloody Donald on the ground.                    MIKE OWEN          Jesus, that writer guy.Owen grabs his C.B., tries to radio for help. It's broken.He lifts Donald into the back of the truck and speeds off.Kaufman limps through the dark water.       Laroche and Orleanfollow the sound of his sloshing.                    ORLEAN          Water sounds so sparkly. Like lemon          plastic jewels plopping onto a silver          trampoline! Dontcha think?                    LAROCHE          Darlin', please.                    ORLEAN          Can we fuck now, baby?    Fuck like lemons?Owen tears along the dirt road. Up ahead, Kaufman limps outof the swamp, into the truck's headlights. Owen is confused.He checks the back to see if Donald's body is still there andskids off the road into the swamp. Kaufman hurriedly limpsover to the disabled truck. Owen climbs out.                    KAUFMAN          You gotta help me.    You gotta help me.                    MIKE OWEN          What the hell is going on here?                    KAUFMAN          They're after me. They've got guns.          They killed my brother.                    MIKE OWEN          Who's got guns? What are you --Before Owen finishes, his truck is flipped over. Donald'sbody flies into the water. There, staring Kaufman and Owendown, is a giant man-like beast. It's repulsive, covered inalgae-matted fur.                       MIKE OWEN (cont'd)          Holy shit.                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                            112.CONTINUED: (5)The two men turn and run.                       MIKE OWEN (cont'd)          It's real!     I can't believe it, I never --The creature grabs Owen and snaps his neck like a toothpick.Kaufman screams as he runs, watches over his shoulder. Heruns right into the arms of Orlean.                    ORLEAN          Hey, it's the screenwriter!                    KAUFMAN          There's a thing back there!    You don't          want to be here.Kaufman, Orlean, and Laroche look back. Nothing there.                    LAROCHE          You're right, I don't want to be here.          I'm tired, let's get this over with.Laroche puts the gun to Kaufman's head. Kaufman tenses.Orlean studies Laroche's gun. Her nose is practicallytouching the barrel.                    ORLEAN          I love your gun, baby.    Can we trade?                    LAROCHE          Stand back, sweetness.Laroche reaches for Orlean's arm to pull her away. Suddenlythe creature grabs Laroche, pulls him into the swamp.                     LAROCHE (cont'd)          Susie!   Susie!Orlean looks around.                    ORLEAN          Where'd Johnny go?                       LAROCHE (O.S.)          Susie!Orlean, agitated and disoriented, fires repeatedly into thedarkness. Something slumps forward in the water. Orleansteps cautiously over, keeping her gun on Kaufman. Thecreature is dead, so is Laroche.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                            113.CONTINUED: (6)                    ORLEAN              (crying softly)          Oh, Johnny.She sits next to Laroche and pets his head.   Kaufman watchesher. The sun is coming up.                    KAUFMAN          I'd just stare at your picture, and you          looked so sweet. I read your words and I          thought you were smart and maybe lost and          lonely like me. And the way you wrote          about Laroche. You said he was handsome          even though he had no front teeth --                    ORLEAN          Oh, Johnny. Johnny's teeth.     Oh...                    KAUFMAN          I figured you could look at me and see          something, even with all my flaws you          could look at me and find something, you          could maybe someday write a description          of me that would be nicer than the one I          write day in and day out in my head.              (hopefully)          Would it be?Kaufman takes Orlean's chin in his hand and directs her gazeto him. She stares at him for a long while, then:                    ORLEAN          You're really so wonderful.                    KAUFMAN          Really?                    ORLEAN          So wonderful. I can see inside your          soul. It glows with orange sadness.          It's raining inside you. I want to run          through your dripply dripples. It's so          beautiful. I love you. I do.Kaufman lets go of her face and sits on a rock.                    KAUFMAN          It's the drugs.Orlean stands and walks toward Kaufman.                                                     (CONTINUED)                                                             114.CONTINUED: (7)                    ORLEAN          No, it's me. It's the real me. Look at          you. I just want to hold you and -- Oh,          crap, it's wearing off. Crap!She paces, unfolds her little square of paper.                       ORLEAN (cont'd)          I'm out.     I'm fucking cleaned out.Kaufman watches her for a moment.                       KAUFMAN          Okay, bye.                    ORLEAN          I can't let you go, fatty.    I can't let          you make this public.Kaufman keeps walking.                    ORLEAN (cont'd)          You hear me? You pathetic, fat, bald...          You don't even know how to write! You're          not even... You're not leaving here!              (screaming, crying)          I need a fix! Everything's so ugly!Orlean screams in anguish. Kaufman keeps walking. Orleanshakily aims the gun at his back. She shoots. Kaufmanfalls, gets up, keeps walking. She aims again through hertears. Suddenly she's pounced on by a bloody, soaking wetfigure. Kaufman turns.                       KAUFMAN          Donald!Kaufman limps back.    Donald and Orlean roll on the ground.                    DONALD          My brother is not fat. He's not bald.          My brother is a great writer! He was          trying to do something important!The gun fires. Orlean slumps over Donald. Kaufman arrives.Both Donald and Orlean are dead. Kaufman falls to his knees.EXT. SWAMP - MORNINGThe sun is high. Fires smoulder. A tow-truck extricates oneof the crashed vehicles. State police cars, ambulances,ranger trucks abound. Kaufman is wrapped in a blanket.                                                      (CONTINUED)                                                              115.CONTINUED:He is with a cop and pointing to the bodies spread on a blackplastic tarp.                    KAUFMAN          That's Mike Owen. John Laroche. Susan          Orlean. I don't know what that is. I          think it might be a Swamp Ape. And          that's Donald, my twin brother. He saved          my life.Kaufman cries a little.    The cop waits sympathetically, then:                    POLICE OFFICER          You two really look alike.                    KAUFMAN              (proudly)          Yeah. Yes, we do.INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAYKaufman sits in a booth, working longhand on a legal pad.He's a little scraped-up, a little tougher. A copy of Storyby McKee is among his reference material. Alice, thewaitress, walks by and glances at the table.                    ALICE          Oh, I love McKee!              (recognizes Kaufman, gets               reserved)          Oh, hi. Haven't seen you in a while.                      KAUFMAN          Hi.    Yeah, I've been away.                    ALICE          So you studying screenwriting?                    KAUFMAN          I'm actually finishing one up.                    ALICE          Good for you! Me too. God, it's so hard          to get in, huh? Everyone and their          brother is writing a screenplay.                       KAUFMAN             Yeah. Actually I'm writing this one for             Sony Pictures.                        ALICE             Really? Wow. Really?   That's so cool.                 (beat)                        (MORE)                                                       (CONTINUED)                                                           116.CONTINUED:                       ALICE (cont'd)             Wow! So what's it about, if you don't             mind my asking?                       KAUFMAN             That's tough. Let's see... about being             yourself, maybe. It's about learning             that if you can't love yourself, you             can't really love anyone.                       ALICE             That's true. God, that's so true.     It's             such an important message, y'know?                       KAUFMAN             See, my twin brother was murdered             recently --                         ALICE             Oh God!    I'm sorry.   That's so horrible.                      KAUFMAN             Thanks. Like part of me ripped away.             Forever. It was a wake up call.                       ALICE             I'm so sorry. You poor man.                       KAUFMAN             Anyway, it helped put things in             perspective. Life is a miracle. All             life, from the flower to the human being.             You. Me. And I want to show people             that. For my brother. For everyone.There's a pause.       Alice just stares at him, in awe.                       ALICE             Listen, do you mind if I sit for a sec?                       KAUFMAN             But you're working.                       ALICE                 (shrugs)             It's a stupid job, y'know.    I'm Alice.                         KAUFMAN             Charlie.                       ALICE             I like that name. Charlie. I've always             really liked that name. Charlie.Alice smiles, sits.      The two of them begin to talk.                                                         117.EXT. SPACE - NIGHTSUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, FIVE BILLION AND FORTY YEARSLATERAn enormous chunk of rock, dimly lit by faraway stars, floatsby. Silence.                                                FADE TO BLACK.WHITE TEXT ON BLACK SCREEN:    "Let me have men about me that are fat;    Sleek-headed men and such that sleep o'    nights."                        - William Shakespeare       In Loving Memory of Donald Kaufman                     THE END