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rick-and-morty-script

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Alien Doctor:
Hundreds of billions.
Beth:
I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation.
Jerry:
Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her LOVER INTACT.
Beth:
Well I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, I think this whole paradigm has sexist overtones.
Jerry:
Beth, can we talk about this privately?
Beth:
You know, I think, the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my penis.
Jerry:
But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that if the universe needed his penis!?!
Beth:
Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?
Rick:
Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place.
Morty:
Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.
Rick:
Oh, come on. Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's?
Beth:
Dad, it's great to have you back, no matter where we are, but wouldn't you like to go home?
Rick:
Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney's is my home.
Jerry:
Yeah, but you just got out of prison. I mean, how much of a step up from that is --
Rick:
Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times.
Jerry:
You got it.
Rick:
Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect fucks didn't think I was worth your best equipment?
Cornvelious Daniel:
Man, I told the money bugs. I said, "You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer.
Rick:
Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain.
Cornvelious Daniel:
Oh, I think you do. Eventually, you're either gonna relax your cerebellum.
Rick:
Shoney's.
Cornvelious Daniel:
Or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush.
Rick:
Relaxed enough?
Cornvelious Daniel:
I admire you, Rick--
Cornvelious Daniel:
When I--
Cornvelious Daniel:
Rick, here's--
Jerry:
I tell ya, the Galactic Federation taking over Earth -- best thing that's ever happened to this family. I just got my sixth promotion this week, and I still don't know what I do.
Summer:
Who cares how high they promote you? Everyone just gets paid in pills.
Jerry:
Well, when you're not sure what you do for a living, you can make your own rules.
Beth:
Summer, show your father some respect. He's pulling down a six-chewable figure income.
Morty:
I kind of had big pills for lunch, and I wasn't gonna eat any more pills. Thank you, Conroy.
Jerry:
You spoil us, Conroy.
Summer:
Grandpa Rick wouldn't put up with this!