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Whew ! ! What a weekend ! On Friday morning we hopped in the car to head to lower Michigan for a retirement party for my husband 's uncle . This trip instead of staying with the entire family at his mom 's apartment , I suggested we get a hotel . Kev booked us at a really cute place with a nice outdoor pool , sitting areas outside each room and even a big gas grill for each room . Come to find out they are also pet friendly , so perhaps in the future we 'll just stay there and save the dogsitting fees . Once we checked in , we headed over to his mom 's and then out for dinner with the fam . Delightful ! After that it was off to Meier because I didn 't bother to bring a bathing suit and figured I might need one . Then it was on to the bar to meet up with his cousins for a " couple " of drinks . Yeah , right . We bypassed couple pretty quickly and managed to close down the last bar we went to . After getting to bed around 3 : 30 , we did get to sleep in without dogs waking us up , so that was nice . I , of course , was hoping for pool - time , so I was very happy when I opened the patio door and found sunshine and hot weather . Since the party wasn 't starting until 4 , some of the other family members came over and we all spent a couple hours in the sun . Next stop , the retirement party where we got to see tons of family we hadn 't seen in awhile . There was a whole lot of food and a whole lot of drinks . And once again , it was then off to the same bars , closing them down and then walking back to the hotel . Actually , " I " walked back to the hotel . When the group of us started to walk home , Kev , his brother and cousins decided they wanted to head off to the water tower to sit and chat . Since I have no problem with that kind of tomfoolery , I walked the last 6 or 7 blocks on my own . Gotta ' love a small town where you can do that at 2 : 30 a . m . and make it to your destination alive . Yesterday we had to come home , and I really hate that 6 hour ride . It was a bit more exciting yesterday , though . As we were driving along on a 55 mph highway , there was a jerkoff about 6 cars ahead of us that was only doing 45 , backing up a bunch of traffic behind him . Everybody was just itching to pass , but the traffic coming from the other direction was not letting that happen . Suddenly a vehicle just a few ahead of us decided it would be brilliant to slam on his brakes and decide to turn . Everyone slammed on their brakes . Everyone , that is , except the girl behind us . WE were her brakes . To say I was furious would be an understatement . As I opened the door with my sailor mouth going , Kev 's only comment was " don 't yell at her . Yet . " When I walked back to the car this very young girl got out , apologizing all over herself and crying . Jeebus . How could I be mad at her ? I spent the next five minutes calming her down , giving her a hug and then telling her to go call whoever she needed to call . Poor thing still had a three hour drive ahead of her , and she sure as hell wasn 't taking her car to do it since the front end was all smooshed with the radiator hissing . The rest of the ride was thankfully uneventful , but I swear it will take me the rest of the week to recover . I may be too old for so much partying . Well , actually I know I am too old for this shit , but I have to say I did manage to hang with the best of them . I don 't remember the last time I had that many drinks . Before we left for the trip , I had to kind of do a rush job on my nails . So rushed that I didn 't even have time to take a picture . I basically then just crossed them and hoped they 'd still look good enough on Sunday night to snap a pic . I almost forgot to mention the biggest highlight of last week ! ! When I got home from work on Thursday , I had clear water ! ! Finally ! ! They came and installed the new water softener setup , and after months of waiting for my " ah - ha " moment , it finally arrived . I was giddy with excitement . It was not too fantastic a weekend . Chilly and rainy for the most part . Yesterday we finally saw sun and temps in the 70 's . ' Bout damn time . Too bad it isn 't bright spot of rainy weather is a lot of hummingbird activity so at least I had something fun to watch while I was stuck inside pouting . Seems to me I was bitching about cold , craptastic weather last June , too . The hummers were very busy during the rain ! And they are extra adorbs when it 's rainy because they hunker down and get all fluffed up . Check out this little guy . I just love when I manage to catch one with their mouth open . In all fairness , I only looked because the dad flew off as I went to get the mail . And I conveniently had my camera in my hand . Honestly , I was kind of afraid that the third egg wasn 't going to hatch because it hadn 't hatched when the other two did . So I was actually being very nice by looking . Daddy , on the other hand , did not think I was being nice . While I was sneaking a peek and a pic , he was swearing at me . Loudly . Then he landed and actually ran towards me as fast as his little spindly legs could go and stopped just a few feet from me . He was bitching at me the entire time . I told him to chill out because I was already leaving . Sheesh . Grumpy old man much ? He 's in for a rude awakening because I will be looking again . And again . I 'm anxiously awaiting for them to get all their feathers so they 'll be cute . weather forecast for this past Thursday was rain in the morning with sun and low 60 's in the afternoon . Normally a forecast of 60 's would mean it 'll be around 70 at my house . When I left work at noon , I was fully expecting that I 'd get some pool time . Sadly when I did get home it was still cloudy and windy , and that wind was cold ! solution for that was heading off to the tanning place to at least get some fake sun . I walked out of there 30 minutes later to full sunshine outside . Really ? ? When I got home I asked Kev if the weather decided to after I drove off , the sun came out . It still was no heatwave , but I figured it would be warm laying on the raft . Off I went to throw on the bathing suit . Then I spent 20 minutes skimming all of the tree seeds that have been accumulating in the pool . Seriously , I should have an actual tree growing in that pool by now . Onto the raft I go , being very careful to stay dry . My pool thermometer keeps saying the water is 74 , but there 's no way I 'm buying that . Methinks I need a new , more honest version . That water was chilly ! later that night , my lesson was learned . In the form of a bright red face . Evidently it is not a genius move to remove one 's makeup for the tanning bed and then lay in the real sun . I so should have sunscreened before hitting that pool . It started to itch on Friday , so I waited for this is the third lesson I 've learned this year . The first one I learned was that the coconut oil I 've been slathering on before tanning the past couple of years is actually a natural sunscreen . Guess that explains why I didn 't get as dark as I usually do . The second lesson I learned was that if I start my tan in the real sun using tanning lotion , I burn and then peel like a mo - fo . I was so happy to see my legs get tan for the first time ever using the real sun instead of the tanning bed . I was not so happy to then peel from my ankle all the way up to the top of my legs . And not everywhere , just dead center . I guess starting in the tanning bed is still the best way to go for me because I work my way up and don 't burn . A huge problem with it is it doesn 't stay on well at all . I think I had tip wear before I went to bed last night , and I hadn 't even been doing anything . So now I 'm sitting at work being annoyed by how they look . I don 't really feel like doing my nails today so who knows what I 'll do about it . Maybe I 'll just really be lazy and touch up the tips . Blech . I 'm simply not in the mood . That might change once I leave the office . The air conditioning doesn 't seem to be working at all , which normally would suit me just fine . It was nice coming into work and not throwing on my sweater to ward off the bone chills . Now that the lights have been on all day and the sun has started to shine directly into my office , it ain 't so great . I 'm still hoping the bossman doesn 't notice , though . I 'd rather sit here sweating than have to wear that winter sweater . Yay ! My bedroom is back together ! Kev and I made quite the team trying to get that done . The furniture is solid oak and pretty heavy , and I was super worried that we would scratch my beautimous new floors . Lifting that stuff isn 't possible . We have those little glider things to go under the corners , but I was even afraid of those on the floor . So this little genius ( me ! ) thought of using blankets under the glider thingamabobs and then sliding the dressers . It took some finagling , but it worked . Then it was just a matter of dusting off the 6 or so inches of dust on everything and putting the drawers back in . It all looks so nice in there . Now if the guy would just finally come and do the ceilings , we would be completely done with that room . Tinlee seems more comfortable about the bedroom now that the furniture is back in . We have a rubber backed bath rug that we 're using right now in combination with the bedspread . She 's getting better about it . At least she 'll walk on the floor so the bedspread isn 't spread out from the bed all the way to the door . It still amazes me how unconcerned people are about getting jobs done . Our construction guy , Tony , was on the ball , though . As usual . He and his worker showed up and built the add - on to the garage in a day . He was waiting for the doors to come in , and those got put on yesterday . It 's going to be so nice moving the big stuff out of the garage and having some extra room in there . Kev also put our new toilet in our bathroom , so no more potty in the living room . We are classy folk now . I 'm seriously in love with that damn toilet . I just think it 's awesome . I know , I know ; it 's just a toilet . But I really , really like it ! I wasn 't going to show anything we 've done until it 's all finished , but I 'm showing the toilet . Like I said , love it . I 'm so glad I took so much time finding the right one . I 'm glad I spent the extra 100 bucks for this one . Cuz ' it 's awesome . And yes , I fully realize that it 's weird to be this excited over a toilet . Don 't care . He showed me where he was over in the corner by the closed garage door . At first I thought maybe I should try to catch him and put him back in the nest . I decided against that idea and told Kev to try opening the garage door just a little bit so I could try to get him outside . He managed to open the door a little without disturbing the nest on top of the garage door opener , and I shooed the little guy / girl out the door . It didn 't seem able to fly , and it hopped off and went under Kev 's car . I guess when we weren 't looking , he left there and I assume hopped off into the woods . So now I was a panic . The poor thing can 't fly , so now what ? Then , just because I 'm not always quite so bright , I climbed up on the ladder to look at the three remaining babies , and another one popped out of the nest ! This one flew over onto the deck . I couldn 't see it land , but Kev said it kind of hit the house . Great . Now I 'm in a double panic . I walk up to him on the deck , and oh , damn . . . . it 's just so frickin ' cute ! He sat there for a minute and then kind of flew over to the back door steps . And there he sat . That 's where he was still sitting when I went back to work . I figured my first job when I got back to work was to look up what Robins do at this age . I told Kev that if it was still sitting in that same spot in a half hour , to try to get him to move over to the woods . Meanwhile , throughout this entire 1 / 2 hour span , the mom and dad are furious . They are bitching at us the entire time we 're outside . Whew ! Sigh of relief ! I don 't have to worry about where they ended up because mom and dad already know and are continuing to feed them . Nature is wondrous . By the time I got home from work , the other two had also left the nest , so now Kev gets his garage back . I did snap a few pics of the second babe that left the nest . I love how he 's looking at me with attitude here . I 'm guessing by now the third one could very well be hatched , too , but I have to stay away from being a lookie - loo for awhile . This is a hurry up mani I did last week . I don 't remember why I ended up being in a hurry , but I was . Maybe I waited until too late at night and didn 't have the time to put any thought into it . The base on this one is an American Apparel , but it doesn 't have a name on it . I hate when that happens . I used Square Hue Scorched Summer and , shocker , the MoYou Pro XL 03 stamp . Those MoYou 's have for sure been my go - to 's lately . I have quite a few that I haven 't used yet because they are mostly flower patterns . I haven 't had the ambition to make leaves green and flowers a flower color so I haven 't used them . At some point I 'm just going to say screw it and stamp them using one color . In other words , I 'm lazy . Let me just say that I think it 's just not fair that today is gorgeous out . It 's probs 80 degrees in my back yard right now . I went home for lunch , and the pool was calling my name . Figures it was in the 50 's all weekend . Obvi no pool time then . It 's depressing . I knew I didn 't want to come back to work . If I had been smart , I would have just sucked up the pain last fall and waited to have surgery until now . Then I could have had the entire summer off . Me = big dumbass . They finished the bathroom and bedroom floors on Friday , and they look amazeballs ! I 'm not posting pics until the rooms are completely dunzo , but I 'm super happy with how they turned out . Kev gets home today so my bedroom furniture will finally be out of the living room . On Friday when the flooring guys got done , they were nice enough to move the box spring and mattress to the bedroom floor so at least I 've had a bed the past few days . One big problem with the new floor ; the dogs hate it . Tinlee wouldn 't even walk on it , and neither of them could jump up on the bed even though it 's just sitting on the floor . Once it gets put back on the actual frame , there 's just no way . I don 't really want to put rugs on top of that pretty floor , but unless I figure something out for them that doesn 't take up any room , it 's a big problem . The past couple of nights I laid the bedspread across the floor just so Tinlee could get to the bed and then jump in . Maybe that 's what I 'll just keep doing . I don 't know . I just know that Tinlee needs to sleep in bed or I 'll feel guilty . I really had nothing to do yesterday so out of sheer boredom I made homemade bread for the first time . I 'm actually dying to get out of work so I can eat some because it turned out great . Then I decided to do my nails , and this is what I did . I love it . For more of a frost polish , this one went on super smooth . I don 't know if I 've ever used it before , but it 's Pure Ice First Time which I then stamped with just a plain old Sally Hansen black polish and the MoYou Pro XL 03 stamp . I like the kinda ' abstract squares on this plate a lot . Overall , I just like this entire mani a lot . I may keep it for a couple of days unless I get inspired . Today has been busy here at work . The printer died on me while the bossman was out of town for a few hours , and no matter what I did , I just couldn 't fix the damn thing . It was irritating because I had a whole bunch of shit done that I couldn 't print , and stuff like that causes me stress . I hate when I can 't be caught up every second of the day . Today the floor work began . Not only do I still have a bathtub in my living room , it has now been joined by a toilet , a nightstand , two dressers , a bed and a 3 , 000 pound mattress set . I must say , it is quite the look . Part of the bedroom floor is done , and the bathroom floor is ready for the tile to go in . The floors will be done tomorrow . Unfortunately for me , Kev left today and doesn 't come home until Monday , so I get to have my living room mess over the weekend . Isn 't that special ? So waddya ' think ? Isn 't it just the loveliest shade of baby shit green you 've ever seen ? Wouldn 't you just love to take a dip in all of the murky awesomeness ? Yesterday I was trying to think of what color to use and realized I hadn 't used one of my all - time faves in a very long time . I actually had a hard time finding it . Of course , at the moment it 's kind of hard to even get to the Helmers to find anything . As usually happens when I use anything purple or blurple , I had to run around trying to get a pic where the color was right . I managed to get it , though ! This is China Glaze Secret Peri - Wink - Le . Truly one of the bestest colors eva . I stamped over it with Julep Char and used the MoYou Pro XL 06 plate for the floral stamp . I love , love , love it . I 'm probs gonna ' take it off tonight , but I love , love , love it . I was also very pleased with how well the Julep polish stamped . It looks like the water problem may be solved . Supposedly . Allegedly . We shall see , hopefully by the end of next week . Kev called a well place and found out that to bleach the system costs $ 60 - $ 80 . We 'll need to do that twice a year . I can live with that price . Much cheaper than the cartridge thingies they wanted us to buy for the other fixup for the system . They say that they should be able to make the modifications to our system at the end of next week . I 'm crossing my fingers , but I 'm certainly not going to get my hopes up again . I did take all of my clothes and shoes out of our closet last night . Man , that was quite the job ! It did inspire me to get rid of two garbage bags full of shirts and sweaters and a garbage bag full of shoes . So my side is completely empty , and I can no longer see the bed in the spare bedroom . No idea where the hubby is going to put his clothes . I also have no idea how I 'm going to dig through the piles to find clothes for work tomorrow . Whenever I water the flowers in the front yard , I pass shrubs on the side of the house . A Robin flies out of one every time . Last night I finally took the time to snoop to find the nest , and here 's what I found . I didn 't even notice but others pointed out that the nest is heart - shaped . How cute is that ! The mommy was not thrilled with me for peeking , but she better get used to it since I 'll be doing that a lot . This one is in such a nice , easy place to get to . . . . so much better than the one in the garage . I can stay on the ground , which is much preferred to the top rung of a ladder . I 'm looking forward to the babies . Lately it seems that everybody is doing fancy - schmancy stuff with their stamping . I decided to try something a little different , too . I got those four new MoYou plates and completely forgot that the one I bought I got because there was a hummer on it . I started out by doing a light blue , and then stamped on that with white . Then I took my smallest dotting tool and filled in colors over the white . This worked fine on my left hand . Doing the right hand was not as easy , but I did manage to get ' er done . When all was said and done , I thought it turned out pretty cute . And after all that work ( and it was work ) , I never wore it anywhere . I did it on Saturday night and took it off Sunday night to do something else . Dumb . I don 't even know what people are calling it when they do this , but I 'm sure it has a name . And don 't even ask what colors I used because I have no idea . It took forever , and I put everything away without even thinking about taking down names . All I know is the stamp , MoYou Pro 13 . After work yesterday I stopped at Menard 's and bought stuff to shock the pool . As soon as I got home I dumped in a whole pound of it . It made an amazing difference within just a few hours . Today at lunchtime I threw in another pound . There 's probably enough chlorine in there now to bleach a load of socks . I 'm hoping by tomorrow it will be the appropriate color for pool water . As in , not green . Speaking of green water , our water system nonsense still isn 't taken care of . I 'm pretty tired of looking at yellow water . Yesterday they gave us two options for fixing it . A new system that will require a bleaching of the well every six months or a different system where we have to pay for some cartridges that cost $ 255 . And they have no clue how long one of those cartridges will last . Kind of hard to make a decision . If a cartridge lasts 6 months , that 's one thing ; if it lasts 3 weeks , that 's a whole other thing . I 'm so over it . So , so , so over it . I managed to maneuver the ladder in the garage last night to take a peek at those baby robins . They are not cute . At all . All four of them don 't have feathers yet , and they were sound asleep . So asleep that I was afraid they had died . As I was standing up there trying to take pictures , all of a sudden four little heads popped up , mouths wide open . And then momma or daddy flew in to feed them , took one look at me and promptly left . I 'm lucky I didn 't fall off the damn ladder since it was about a foot from my head . The babies immediately dropped back into sleep mode . Kind of amazing , actually . I 'm going to take more pics , but I 'm going to wait until they are actually feathered and cute . I couldn 't get a good picture of this no matter what I did . It looks much more solid blue in the pics than it actually was . It looks like there 's only two colors when there were actually three . It really was better in person . I hate how that happens sometimes . Tonight I believe I 'll get to work emptying out the bedroom closet . On Thursday the flooring peeps are coming to do the bathroom and bedroom floors . Finally we 'll be able to get the bathtub out of the living room , and my new toilet can get put in . The damn vanity won 't be here for another couple of weeks , but at least there 's light at the end of the tunnel . Why it takes 3 weeks to get a standard size vanity is beyond me . Lordie , I just thought about how many pairs of shoes I have to move . Trust me when I tell you this is a very scary thought , indeed . If somebody would like to come over and do it for me , I 'm okay with it . And while you 're there , you can also move my bedroom set out into the living room . Thanks . Posted by 37 degrees when I got up this morning . Seriously ? Did I blink and miss summer again ? It had jumped to 50 by the time I left for work , but just the fact that I had to turn the heat on this morning pisses me off . I guess I shouldn 't be all that surprised . Now that we installed air conditioning , it figures that summer will now be so cold that we won 't need it . For some odd reason , the pool water was up to 74 yesterday . I 'm scratching my noggin ' on that one . Usually when we fill it , it takes a good week of sun for it to get anywhere near that . For some reason the temp of it jumped right up even before I put the solar rings on . Weirdsville . Not that I 'm able to use it anyway . I probably would have attempted to float yesterday afternoon , but even I have limits to how green the water can be . I hope I can get it cleared up soon . Yesterday morning I was in the living room and saw a flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye . Scared me ! Then I looked and saw this sitting on the hummingbird feeder . I knew we have Orioles here , but even though I live near the woods , I 've never seen one . He 's a beauty . I felt kind of bad for him because his beak is too big to fit in the feeder hole . I guess now I have to get a damn Oriole feeder even though I have no clue where I 'll put it . This big guy is a Red - Bellied Woodpecker . I always hear them in the trees and have only seen him one other time , but he flew away too quickly for me to catch a pic . Well , I did catch one pic when he landed on the utility pole , but basically it was just a pic of a blurry butt . My hummers have been kind of quiet , which is annoying me . I did see a new babe on the feeder one morning . They 're so damn cute when they first leave the nest , all fuzzy and short and chubby . I wish I could have gotten her pic . Woe is me . My Robin eggs have hatched in the garage , and the mom and dad have been in and out constantly to feed them . I really want to get up on the ladder to take a picture , but right now there is too much stuff in the way . It 's also going to be hard to find a minute when one of the parents aren 't there . I don 't want to disturb their schedule if I can help it . I have been doing my nails ; I 'm just finding it hard to get my blogging done . It 's much easier to do it when I 'm at work in my free minutes . At home with all of the stuff going on , there don 't seem to be many spare moments . Hell , I even helped with the building of the deck last week ! I told Kev when it 's done , I 'm taking credit for it . I did this one with one of my MoYou plates . I really like those plates . So much so that I just received four more . Gotta ' love having a PayPal balance ! For some reason I didn 't notice until after I took my pictures that my pinkie nail is screwed up . By then I didn 't think it was worth it to drag all my stuff back out to redo it . I also wish I hadn 't black tipped it . That black tip was a friggin ' disaster by the time I got done with worth the next day . It didn 't hold up to typing . At all . I used Sinful Colors Out of Bounds , and I stamped with the Mash black stamping polish and the MoYou Pro Collection 01 stamp . For the tip I used Sinful Colors Black on Black . Evidently that was a mistake . Needless to say , even though I liked this one , between the pinkie mistake and the effed up tips , it only stayed on for a day . My garden is still alive , believe it or not . Even my Supertunia seems like it just might survive the drowning I tortured it with . Not quite sure about the Snapdragons yet , but I 'm hopeful . Kev helped me plant my two rose bushes in the small section by the garage , and at that point I decided that rather than put those two and then some other random flowers , I should just go and get two more rosebushes . And since we had to yet again go to Menard 's for some other items , that 's exactly what we did . Hopefully that section will eventually just be a whole bunch of coral and white roses . Since they are just newbie plants , it might take years . With any luck I 'll keep them alive long enough to get actual flowers . While I was in the nursery section and he had run off to get some drywall , I wandered around just kind of looking for things I may want to plant along the front of the house . At first I thought mabes I 'd do all roses . And then I walked out to a different section and saw this : Um , hello ! I couldn 't walk over to those fast enough . A periwinkle colored huge flower ? Are you effing kidding me ? I am in love with these . Hydrangeas . Now , obvi I 've heard of them , but I had never seen them this color before . And they are in big pots and already well - established . At that second I knew I wanted them , but I figured I 'd better find out how hard or easy they are to keep alive . Based on what my Facebook friends tell me , I just might have good luck with these . If I had actually seen these before I planted those two rosebushes , I would have done that whole section in just these . Once I was done drooling all over those , I continued to wander and found Lilacs ! ! These are probably my fave flower of all time . They bring back fond memories of childhood when my friends and I would make up bouquets of them and sell them door to door to everyone in the neighborhood . And more importantly , they smell delightful ! I 'm always jealous when I see them blooming at people 's houses and wish they were in my yard . My mom always says they 're hard to keep in check , but I really think I need to find that out for myself . Right now I 'm thinking Lilacs on one end of the house front and Hydrangeas next to the front porch . What 's going in between , I haven 't decided yet . As an added bonus , not only are my flowers still alive , evidently I am now growing Sunflowers . Not on purpose and not where I would plant them if I was . I 'm not even a fan of Sunflowers . It seems that if you put a bird seed feeder above the garden that has black oil sunflower seeds in it , the damn things will actually grow . I did not know that and haven 't decided if I should yank them as they grow or just let them be to see what I end up with . Now for the nail failure . When I did that stamped gradient the other day , it was supposed to be for a gradient theme in one of my nail groups . I guess I should have read the challenge with my eyes open , because the gradient was supposed to be the actual stamp , not the base . Dummy . This is a fail . Big time . I started off with my new Square Hue , Ka - ahumanu . I grabbed my Ninja DRK - B plate and decided to use one of my fave designs . I took Square Hue Glacier Skies and Zoya Blu to do make the stamp a gradient . It looked great on my practice spot but failed miserably on the nail . Not only that , no matter what I did I could not get this stamp design to not be smeary looking . Well , most of the garage garden got planted on Thursday afternoon after work . Or should I say Thursday afternoon into early evening . That was a whole lot more work than I expected it to be , and these old bones are still screaming . The chiropractor will be seeing me at 5 p . m . Then I can start all over again . And then I 'll need the chiro again next week . Bags of dirt are heavy ! I had stopped and gotten four more bags to go along with the five we had originally bought , and I still didn 't have enough . As I figured , I also need a lot more flowers . I didn 't even get to start the small section . Sadly , I don 't think the Snapdragons will make it . I think they were in their tiny pots too long , and I think frost got to some of them while they were in the garage after we first bought them . If I have to dig those suckers up to plant something else , I will not be happy . When I first started , I thought it was kind of fun . About halfway through I thoroughly changed my opinion . It looks pretty good , I think . When I grabbed those four bags of dirt , I also grabbed three Daylilies . Those seem to be pretty well established and are super pretty . I hope they make it . I didn 't have the Equinox over the weekend , and my Alero isn 't really conducive to loading anything so I told the hubby we 'd have to get more stuff when he gets home . Being the impatient person that I am , on Saturday I ran to Menard 's to buy more dirt . I grabbed one of the big flatbed push carts to grab the bags . Of course , I got the one that wouldn 't steer . At all . I spent a lot of time trying to not run people over . When I got to the bags of dirt I wanted , the bags in front were broken open which meant I had to stoop under the railing and drag those damn bags out . By the time I grabbed the fifth bag , I could barely lift it onto the cart . It was at that point that I knew five would be all I was getting . Whether that 'll be enough or not remains to be seen . I then saw they had rose bushes on sale for $ 3 . 29 . I know that I need to replace the one in front of the house that didn 't survive this winter , but I bought two really pretty coral ones to put by the garage . I really hope they live cuz ' I do love me some roses . After I paid for those , I actually asked for help getting them loaded into my trunk because I knew there was no way I had any strength left to lift them . Then I went to the main part of the store and bought every kind of mosquito repellant known to man . Those little bastards are out in force this year ! ! I don 't recall them ever being this bad . A lady that was looking at the same stuff told me that mosquito stuff is sold out everywhere in town , which explained why the Menard 's selection was so picked over . When I got home , I immediately went to the front yard and sprinkled the stuff I bought all around where I sit to feed the hummers . And then I sprayed fogger just for good measure . Then I waited for the magic time when my birdies are most active , grabbed my folding chair and headed on out to play . And was immediately attacked by a gazillion mosquitoes , who evidently had just been waiting for a snack . Crikey ! ! I ran back in the house and sprayed myself down with the other repellant I bought , added one of those clip - on things and went back outside . Luckily that finally did the trick , and I was able to feed a couple of my little friends . That 's an awful lot of bug stuff just to feed a few birds , but whatever . If I don 't get to go out there , I pretty much stare at the windows and pout , so I have to try . I watched all weekend to see if the birds would use the birdbath . I didn 't see a single bird in it . Of course , that doesn 't mean they haven 't , but I can 't stalk that in the back yard at the same time as stalking the front window . Geez . I 'm only human . On Saturday before I spent some time laying in the sun , I grabbed the hose to fill it up with some fresh water . I was standing a few feet away with the water streaming , and all of a sudden a hummer came over and hovered right in front of my knees to play in the water . Um , hello , little boy . . . . there 's an entire fountain to play in . I stayed very still and watched him , and then he flew off to a feeder . This put a big ol ' smile on my face . After a few minutes he came right back and actually sat down on the ground right by my feet and drank out of the little puddle the hose had made . I don 't know if he 's stupid or what , but he sure was being cute . He stayed there for a long time . Still , use the damn fountain I bought . And tell your friends . This one is China Glaze Spring in My Step , Julep Winter and Sinful Colors Snow Me White with a MoYou Sailor 06 stamp . I do realize that Sailor stamp is probs suppose to be used with oceany colors , but I don 't care . I 'm like Honey Badger and just don 't give a shit . I liked it . I am a big fan of pink and grey together . Always have been , always will be . I just think they 're pretty colors together . The only problem with this one is maybe I should have used a color other than white because the stamp doesn 't show at the tip . Is it 5 o ' clock yet ? I just do not want to be here . I would just like to be at home even though it 's rainy and gloomy outside . I could still probably dodge the raindrops and get some more dirting done .
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Whew ! ! What a weekend ! On Friday morning we hopped in the car to head to lower Michigan for a retirement party for my husband 's uncle . This trip instead of staying with the entire family at his mom 's apartment , I suggested we get a hotel . Kev booked us at a really cute place with a nice outdoor pool , sitting areas outside each room and even a big gas grill for each room . Come to find out they are also pet friendly , so perhaps in the future we 'll just stay there and save the dogsitting fees . Once we checked in , we headed over to his mom 's and then out for dinner with the fam . Delightful ! After that it was off to Meier because I didn 't bother to bring a bathing suit and figured I might need one . Then it was on to the bar to meet up with his cousins for a " couple " of drinks . Yeah , right . We bypassed couple pretty quickly and managed to close down the last bar we went to . After getting to bed around 3 : 30 , we did get to sleep in without dogs waking us up , so that was nice . I , of course , was hoping for pool - time , so I was very happy when I opened the patio door and found sunshine and hot weather . Since the party wasn 't starting until 4 , some of the other family members came over and we all spent a couple hours in the sun . Next stop , the retirement party where we got to see tons of family we hadn 't seen in awhile . There was a whole lot of food and a whole lot of drinks . And once again , it was then off to the same bars , closing them down and then walking back to the hotel . Actually , " I " walked back to the hotel . When the group of us started to walk home , Kev , his brother and cousins decided they wanted to head off to the water tower to sit and chat . Since I have no problem with that kind of tomfoolery , I walked the last 6 or 7 blocks on my own . Gotta ' love a small town where you can do that at 2 : 30 a . m . and make it to your destination alive . Yesterday we had to come home , and I really hate that 6 hour ride . It was a bit more exciting yesterday , though . As we were driving along on a 55 mph highway , there was a jerkoff about 6 cars ahead of us that was only doing 45 , backing up a bunch of traffic behind him . Everybody was just itching to pass , but the traffic coming from the other direction was not letting that happen . Suddenly a vehicle just a few ahead of us decided it would be brilliant to slam on his brakes and decide to turn . Everyone slammed on their brakes . Everyone , that is , except the girl behind us . WE were her brakes . To say I was furious would be an understatement . As I opened the door with my sailor mouth going , Kev 's only comment was " don 't yell at her . Yet . " When I walked back to the car this very young girl got out , apologizing all over herself and crying . Jeebus . How could I be mad at her ? I spent the next five minutes calming her down , giving her a hug and then telling her to go call whoever she needed to call . Poor thing still had a three hour drive ahead of her , and she sure as hell wasn 't taking her car to do it since the front end was all smooshed with the radiator hissing . The rest of the ride was thankfully uneventful , but I swear it will take me the rest of the week to recover . I may be too old for so much partying . Well , actually I know I am too old for this shit , but I have to say I did manage to hang with the best of them . I don 't remember the last time I had that many drinks . Before we left for the trip , I had to kind of do a rush job on my nails . So rushed that I didn 't even have time to take a picture . I basically then just crossed them and hoped they 'd still look good enough on Sunday night to snap a pic . I almost forgot to mention the biggest highlight of last week ! ! When I got home from work on Thursday , I had clear water ! ! Finally ! ! They came and installed the new water softener setup , and after months of waiting for my " ah - ha " moment , it finally arrived . I was giddy with excitement . It was not too fantastic a weekend . Chilly and rainy for the most part . Yesterday we finally saw sun and temps in the 70 's . ' Bout damn time . Too bad it isn 't bright spot of rainy weather is a lot of hummingbird activity so at least I had something fun to watch while I was stuck inside pouting . Seems to me I was bitching about cold , craptastic weather last June , too . The hummers were very busy during the rain ! And they are extra adorbs when it 's rainy because they hunker down and get all fluffed up . Check out this little guy . I just love when I manage to catch one with their mouth open . In all fairness , I only looked because the dad flew off as I went to get the mail . And I conveniently had my camera in my hand . Honestly , I was kind of afraid that the third egg wasn 't going to hatch because it hadn 't hatched when the other two did . So I was actually being very nice by looking . Daddy , on the other hand , did not think I was being nice . While I was sneaking a peek and a pic , he was swearing at me . Loudly . Then he landed and actually ran towards me as fast as his little spindly legs could go and stopped just a few feet from me . He was bitching at me the entire time . I told him to chill out because I was already leaving . Sheesh . Grumpy old man much ? He 's in for a rude awakening because I will be looking again . And again . I 'm anxiously awaiting for them to get all their feathers so they 'll be cute . weather forecast for this past Thursday was rain in the morning with sun and low 60 's in the afternoon . Normally a forecast of 60 's would mean it 'll be around 70 at my house . When I left work at noon , I was fully expecting that I 'd get some pool time . Sadly when I did get home it was still cloudy and windy , and that wind was cold ! solution for that was heading off to the tanning place to at least get some fake sun . I walked out of there 30 minutes later to full sunshine outside . Really ? ? When I got home I asked Kev if the weather decided to after I drove off , the sun came out . It still was no heatwave , but I figured it would be warm laying on the raft . Off I went to throw on the bathing suit . Then I spent 20 minutes skimming all of the tree seeds that have been accumulating in the pool . Seriously , I should have an actual tree growing in that pool by now . Onto the raft I go , being very careful to stay dry . My pool thermometer keeps saying the water is 74 , but there 's no way I 'm buying that . Methinks I need a new , more honest version . That water was chilly ! later that night , my lesson was learned . In the form of a bright red face . Evidently it is not a genius move to remove one 's makeup for the tanning bed and then lay in the real sun . I so should have sunscreened before hitting that pool . It started to itch on Friday , so I waited for this is the third lesson I 've learned this year . The first one I learned was that the coconut oil I 've been slathering on before tanning the past couple of years is actually a natural sunscreen . Guess that explains why I didn 't get as dark as I usually do . The second lesson I learned was that if I start my tan in the real sun using tanning lotion , I burn and then peel like a mo - fo . I was so happy to see my legs get tan for the first time ever using the real sun instead of the tanning bed . I was not so happy to then peel from my ankle all the way up to the top of my legs . And not everywhere , just dead center . I guess starting in the tanning bed is still the best way to go for me because I work my way up and don 't burn . A huge problem with it is it doesn 't stay on well at all . I think I had tip wear before I went to bed last night , and I hadn 't even been doing anything . So now I 'm sitting at work being annoyed by how they look . I don 't really feel like doing my nails today so who knows what I 'll do about it . Maybe I 'll just really be lazy and touch up the tips . Blech . I 'm simply not in the mood . That might change once I leave the office . The air conditioning doesn 't seem to be working at all , which normally would suit me just fine . It was nice coming into work and not throwing on my sweater to ward off the bone chills . Now that the lights have been on all day and the sun has started to shine directly into my office , it ain 't so great . I 'm still hoping the bossman doesn 't notice , though . I 'd rather sit here sweating than have to wear that winter sweater . Yay ! My bedroom is back together ! Kev and I made quite the team trying to get that done . The furniture is solid oak and pretty heavy , and I was super worried that we would scratch my beautimous new floors . Lifting that stuff isn 't possible . We have those little glider things to go under the corners , but I was even afraid of those on the floor . So this little genius ( me ! ) thought of using blankets under the glider thingamabobs and then sliding the dressers . It took some finagling , but it worked . Then it was just a matter of dusting off the 6 or so inches of dust on everything and putting the drawers back in . It all looks so nice in there . Now if the guy would just finally come and do the ceilings , we would be completely done with that room . Tinlee seems more comfortable about the bedroom now that the furniture is back in . We have a rubber backed bath rug that we 're using right now in combination with the bedspread . She 's getting better about it . At least she 'll walk on the floor so the bedspread isn 't spread out from the bed all the way to the door . It still amazes me how unconcerned people are about getting jobs done . Our construction guy , Tony , was on the ball , though . As usual . He and his worker showed up and built the add - on to the garage in a day . He was waiting for the doors to come in , and those got put on yesterday . It 's going to be so nice moving the big stuff out of the garage and having some extra room in there . Kev also put our new toilet in our bathroom , so no more potty in the living room . We are classy folk now . I 'm seriously in love with that damn toilet . I just think it 's awesome . I know , I know ; it 's just a toilet . But I really , really like it ! I wasn 't going to show anything we 've done until it 's all finished , but I 'm showing the toilet . Like I said , love it . I 'm so glad I took so much time finding the right one . I 'm glad I spent the extra 100 bucks for this one . Cuz ' it 's awesome . And yes , I fully realize that it 's weird to be this excited over a toilet . Don 't care . He showed me where he was over in the corner by the closed garage door . At first I thought maybe I should try to catch him and put him back in the nest . I decided against that idea and told Kev to try opening the garage door just a little bit so I could try to get him outside . He managed to open the door a little without disturbing the nest on top of the garage door opener , and I shooed the little guy / girl out the door . It didn 't seem able to fly , and it hopped off and went under Kev 's car . I guess when we weren 't looking , he left there and I assume hopped off into the woods . So now I was a panic . The poor thing can 't fly , so now what ? Then , just because I 'm not always quite so bright , I climbed up on the ladder to look at the three remaining babies , and another one popped out of the nest ! This one flew over onto the deck . I couldn 't see it land , but Kev said it kind of hit the house . Great . Now I 'm in a double panic . I walk up to him on the deck , and oh , damn . . . . it 's just so frickin ' cute ! He sat there for a minute and then kind of flew over to the back door steps . And there he sat . That 's where he was still sitting when I went back to work . I figured my first job when I got back to work was to look up what Robins do at this age . I told Kev that if it was still sitting in that same spot in a half hour , to try to get him to move over to the woods . Meanwhile , throughout this entire 1 / 2 hour span , the mom and dad are furious . They are bitching at us the entire time we 're outside . Whew ! Sigh of relief ! I don 't have to worry about where they ended up because mom and dad already know and are continuing to feed them . Nature is wondrous . By the time I got home from work , the other two had also left the nest , so now Kev gets his garage back . I did snap a few pics of the second babe that left the nest . I love how he 's looking at me with attitude here . I 'm guessing by now the third one could very well be hatched , too , but I have to stay away from being a lookie - loo for awhile . This is a hurry up mani I did last week . I don 't remember why I ended up being in a hurry , but I was . Maybe I waited until too late at night and didn 't have the time to put any thought into it . The base on this one is an American Apparel , but it doesn 't have a name on it . I hate when that happens . I used Square Hue Scorched Summer and , shocker , the MoYou Pro XL 03 stamp . Those MoYou 's have for sure been my go - to 's lately . I have quite a few that I haven 't used yet because they are mostly flower patterns . I haven 't had the ambition to make leaves green and flowers a flower color so I haven 't used them . At some point I 'm just going to say screw it and stamp them using one color . In other words , I 'm lazy . Let me just say that I think it 's just not fair that today is gorgeous out . It 's probs 80 degrees in my back yard right now . I went home for lunch , and the pool was calling my name . Figures it was in the 50 's all weekend . Obvi no pool time then . It 's depressing . I knew I didn 't want to come back to work . If I had been smart , I would have just sucked up the pain last fall and waited to have surgery until now . Then I could have had the entire summer off . Me = big dumbass . They finished the bathroom and bedroom floors on Friday , and they look amazeballs ! I 'm not posting pics until the rooms are completely dunzo , but I 'm super happy with how they turned out . Kev gets home today so my bedroom furniture will finally be out of the living room . On Friday when the flooring guys got done , they were nice enough to move the box spring and mattress to the bedroom floor so at least I 've had a bed the past few days . One big problem with the new floor ; the dogs hate it . Tinlee wouldn 't even walk on it , and neither of them could jump up on the bed even though it 's just sitting on the floor . Once it gets put back on the actual frame , there 's just no way . I don 't really want to put rugs on top of that pretty floor , but unless I figure something out for them that doesn 't take up any room , it 's a big problem . The past couple of nights I laid the bedspread across the floor just so Tinlee could get to the bed and then jump in . Maybe that 's what I 'll just keep doing . I don 't know . I just know that Tinlee needs to sleep in bed or I 'll feel guilty . I really had nothing to do yesterday so out of sheer boredom I made homemade bread for the first time . I 'm actually dying to get out of work so I can eat some because it turned out great . Then I decided to do my nails , and this is what I did . I love it . For more of a frost polish , this one went on super smooth . I don 't know if I 've ever used it before , but it 's Pure Ice First Time which I then stamped with just a plain old Sally Hansen black polish and the MoYou Pro XL 03 stamp . I like the kinda ' abstract squares on this plate a lot . Overall , I just like this entire mani a lot . I may keep it for a couple of days unless I get inspired . Today has been busy here at work . The printer died on me while the bossman was out of town for a few hours , and no matter what I did , I just couldn 't fix the damn thing . It was irritating because I had a whole bunch of shit done that I couldn 't print , and stuff like that causes me stress . I hate when I can 't be caught up every second of the day . Today the floor work began . Not only do I still have a bathtub in my living room , it has now been joined by a toilet , a nightstand , two dressers , a bed and a 3 , 000 pound mattress set . I must say , it is quite the look . Part of the bedroom floor is done , and the bathroom floor is ready for the tile to go in . The floors will be done tomorrow . Unfortunately for me , Kev left today and doesn 't come home until Monday , so I get to have my living room mess over the weekend . Isn 't that special ? So waddya ' think ? Isn 't it just the loveliest shade of baby shit green you 've ever seen ? Wouldn 't you just love to take a dip in all of the murky awesomeness ? Yesterday I was trying to think of what color to use and realized I hadn 't used one of my all - time faves in a very long time . I actually had a hard time finding it . Of course , at the moment it 's kind of hard to even get to the Helmers to find anything . As usually happens when I use anything purple or blurple , I had to run around trying to get a pic where the color was right . I managed to get it , though ! This is China Glaze Secret Peri - Wink - Le . Truly one of the bestest colors eva . I stamped over it with Julep Char and used the MoYou Pro XL 06 plate for the floral stamp . I love , love , love it . I 'm probs gonna ' take it off tonight , but I love , love , love it . I was also very pleased with how well the Julep polish stamped . It looks like the water problem may be solved . Supposedly . Allegedly . We shall see , hopefully by the end of next week . Kev called a well place and found out that to bleach the system costs $ 60 - $ 80 . We 'll need to do that twice a year . I can live with that price . Much cheaper than the cartridge thingies they wanted us to buy for the other fixup for the system . They say that they should be able to make the modifications to our system at the end of next week . I 'm crossing my fingers , but I 'm certainly not going to get my hopes up again . I did take all of my clothes and shoes out of our closet last night . Man , that was quite the job ! It did inspire me to get rid of two garbage bags full of shirts and sweaters and a garbage bag full of shoes . So my side is completely empty , and I can no longer see the bed in the spare bedroom . No idea where the hubby is going to put his clothes . I also have no idea how I 'm going to dig through the piles to find clothes for work tomorrow . Whenever I water the flowers in the front yard , I pass shrubs on the side of the house . A Robin flies out of one every time . Last night I finally took the time to snoop to find the nest , and here 's what I found . I didn 't even notice but others pointed out that the nest is heart - shaped . How cute is that ! The mommy was not thrilled with me for peeking , but she better get used to it since I 'll be doing that a lot . This one is in such a nice , easy place to get to . . . . so much better than the one in the garage . I can stay on the ground , which is much preferred to the top rung of a ladder . I 'm looking forward to the babies . Lately it seems that everybody is doing fancy - schmancy stuff with their stamping . I decided to try something a little different , too . I got those four new MoYou plates and completely forgot that the one I bought I got because there was a hummer on it . I started out by doing a light blue , and then stamped on that with white . Then I took my smallest dotting tool and filled in colors over the white . This worked fine on my left hand . Doing the right hand was not as easy , but I did manage to get ' er done . When all was said and done , I thought it turned out pretty cute . And after all that work ( and it was work ) , I never wore it anywhere . I did it on Saturday night and took it off Sunday night to do something else . Dumb . I don 't even know what people are calling it when they do this , but I 'm sure it has a name . And don 't even ask what colors I used because I have no idea . It took forever , and I put everything away without even thinking about taking down names . All I know is the stamp , MoYou Pro 13 . After work yesterday I stopped at Menard 's and bought stuff to shock the pool . As soon as I got home I dumped in a whole pound of it . It made an amazing difference within just a few hours . Today at lunchtime I threw in another pound . There 's probably enough chlorine in there now to bleach a load of socks . I 'm hoping by tomorrow it will be the appropriate color for pool water . As in , not green . Speaking of green water , our water system nonsense still isn 't taken care of . I 'm pretty tired of looking at yellow water . Yesterday they gave us two options for fixing it . A new system that will require a bleaching of the well every six months or a different system where we have to pay for some cartridges that cost $ 255 . And they have no clue how long one of those cartridges will last . Kind of hard to make a decision . If a cartridge lasts 6 months , that 's one thing ; if it lasts 3 weeks , that 's a whole other thing . I 'm so over it . So , so , so over it . I managed to maneuver the ladder in the garage last night to take a peek at those baby robins . They are not cute . At all . All four of them don 't have feathers yet , and they were sound asleep . So asleep that I was afraid they had died . As I was standing up there trying to take pictures , all of a sudden four little heads popped up , mouths wide open . And then momma or daddy flew in to feed them , took one look at me and promptly left . I 'm lucky I didn 't fall off the damn ladder since it was about a foot from my head . The babies immediately dropped back into sleep mode . Kind of amazing , actually . I 'm going to take more pics , but I 'm going to wait until they are actually feathered and cute . I couldn 't get a good picture of this no matter what I did . It looks much more solid blue in the pics than it actually was . It looks like there 's only two colors when there were actually three . It really was better in person . I hate how that happens sometimes . Tonight I believe I 'll get to work emptying out the bedroom closet . On Thursday the flooring peeps are coming to do the bathroom and bedroom floors . Finally we 'll be able to get the bathtub out of the living room , and my new toilet can get put in . The damn vanity won 't be here for another couple of weeks , but at least there 's light at the end of the tunnel . Why it takes 3 weeks to get a standard size vanity is beyond me . Lordie , I just thought about how many pairs of shoes I have to move . Trust me when I tell you this is a very scary thought , indeed . If somebody would like to come over and do it for me , I 'm okay with it . And while you 're there , you can also move my bedroom set out into the living room . Thanks . Posted by 37 degrees when I got up this morning . Seriously ? Did I blink and miss summer again ? It had jumped to 50 by the time I left for work , but just the fact that I had to turn the heat on this morning pisses me off . I guess I shouldn 't be all that surprised . Now that we installed air conditioning , it figures that summer will now be so cold that we won 't need it . For some odd reason , the pool water was up to 74 yesterday . I 'm scratching my noggin ' on that one . Usually when we fill it , it takes a good week of sun for it to get anywhere near that . For some reason the temp of it jumped right up even before I put the solar rings on . Weirdsville . Not that I 'm able to use it anyway . I probably would have attempted to float yesterday afternoon , but even I have limits to how green the water can be . I hope I can get it cleared up soon . Yesterday morning I was in the living room and saw a flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye . Scared me ! Then I looked and saw this sitting on the hummingbird feeder . I knew we have Orioles here , but even though I live near the woods , I 've never seen one . He 's a beauty . I felt kind of bad for him because his beak is too big to fit in the feeder hole . I guess now I have to get a damn Oriole feeder even though I have no clue where I 'll put it . This big guy is a Red - Bellied Woodpecker . I always hear them in the trees and have only seen him one other time , but he flew away too quickly for me to catch a pic . Well , I did catch one pic when he landed on the utility pole , but basically it was just a pic of a blurry butt . My hummers have been kind of quiet , which is annoying me . I did see a new babe on the feeder one morning . They 're so damn cute when they first leave the nest , all fuzzy and short and chubby . I wish I could have gotten her pic . Woe is me . My Robin eggs have hatched in the garage , and the mom and dad have been in and out constantly to feed them . I really want to get up on the ladder to take a picture , but right now there is too much stuff in the way . It 's also going to be hard to find a minute when one of the parents aren 't there . I don 't want to disturb their schedule if I can help it . I have been doing my nails ; I 'm just finding it hard to get my blogging done . It 's much easier to do it when I 'm at work in my free minutes . At home with all of the stuff going on , there don 't seem to be many spare moments . Hell , I even helped with the building of the deck last week ! I told Kev when it 's done , I 'm taking credit for it . I did this one with one of my MoYou plates . I really like those plates . So much so that I just received four more . Gotta ' love having a PayPal balance ! For some reason I didn 't notice until after I took my pictures that my pinkie nail is screwed up . By then I didn 't think it was worth it to drag all my stuff back out to redo it . I also wish I hadn 't black tipped it . That black tip was a friggin ' disaster by the time I got done with worth the next day . It didn 't hold up to typing . At all . I used Sinful Colors Out of Bounds , and I stamped with the Mash black stamping polish and the MoYou Pro Collection 01 stamp . For the tip I used Sinful Colors Black on Black . Evidently that was a mistake . Needless to say , even though I liked this one , between the pinkie mistake and the effed up tips , it only stayed on for a day . My garden is still alive , believe it or not . Even my Supertunia seems like it just might survive the drowning I tortured it with . Not quite sure about the Snapdragons yet , but I 'm hopeful . Kev helped me plant my two rose bushes in the small section by the garage , and at that point I decided that rather than put those two and then some other random flowers , I should just go and get two more rosebushes . And since we had to yet again go to Menard 's for some other items , that 's exactly what we did . Hopefully that section will eventually just be a whole bunch of coral and white roses . Since they are just newbie plants , it might take years . With any luck I 'll keep them alive long enough to get actual flowers . While I was in the nursery section and he had run off to get some drywall , I wandered around just kind of looking for things I may want to plant along the front of the house . At first I thought mabes I 'd do all roses . And then I walked out to a different section and saw this : Um , hello ! I couldn 't walk over to those fast enough . A periwinkle colored huge flower ? Are you effing kidding me ? I am in love with these . Hydrangeas . Now , obvi I 've heard of them , but I had never seen them this color before . And they are in big pots and already well - established . At that second I knew I wanted them , but I figured I 'd better find out how hard or easy they are to keep alive . Based on what my Facebook friends tell me , I just might have good luck with these . If I had actually seen these before I planted those two rosebushes , I would have done that whole section in just these . Once I was done drooling all over those , I continued to wander and found Lilacs ! ! These are probably my fave flower of all time . They bring back fond memories of childhood when my friends and I would make up bouquets of them and sell them door to door to everyone in the neighborhood . And more importantly , they smell delightful ! I 'm always jealous when I see them blooming at people 's houses and wish they were in my yard . My mom always says they 're hard to keep in check , but I really think I need to find that out for myself . Right now I 'm thinking Lilacs on one end of the house front and Hydrangeas next to the front porch . What 's going in between , I haven 't decided yet . As an added bonus , not only are my flowers still alive , evidently I am now growing Sunflowers . Not on purpose and not where I would plant them if I was . I 'm not even a fan of Sunflowers . It seems that if you put a bird seed feeder above the garden that has black oil sunflower seeds in it , the damn things will actually grow . I did not know that and haven 't decided if I should yank them as they grow or just let them be to see what I end up with . Now for the nail failure . When I did that stamped gradient the other day , it was supposed to be for a gradient theme in one of my nail groups . I guess I should have read the challenge with my eyes open , because the gradient was supposed to be the actual stamp , not the base . Dummy . This is a fail . Big time . I started off with my new Square Hue , Ka - ahumanu . I grabbed my Ninja DRK - B plate and decided to use one of my fave designs . I took Square Hue Glacier Skies and Zoya Blu to do make the stamp a gradient . It looked great on my practice spot but failed miserably on the nail . Not only that , no matter what I did I could not get this stamp design to not be smeary looking . Well , most of the garage garden got planted on Thursday afternoon after work . Or should I say Thursday afternoon into early evening . That was a whole lot more work than I expected it to be , and these old bones are still screaming . The chiropractor will be seeing me at 5 p . m . Then I can start all over again . And then I 'll need the chiro again next week . Bags of dirt are heavy ! I had stopped and gotten four more bags to go along with the five we had originally bought , and I still didn 't have enough . As I figured , I also need a lot more flowers . I didn 't even get to start the small section . Sadly , I don 't think the Snapdragons will make it . I think they were in their tiny pots too long , and I think frost got to some of them while they were in the garage after we first bought them . If I have to dig those suckers up to plant something else , I will not be happy . When I first started , I thought it was kind of fun . About halfway through I thoroughly changed my opinion . It looks pretty good , I think . When I grabbed those four bags of dirt , I also grabbed three Daylilies . Those seem to be pretty well established and are super pretty . I hope they make it . I didn 't have the Equinox over the weekend , and my Alero isn 't really conducive to loading anything so I told the hubby we 'd have to get more stuff when he gets home . Being the impatient person that I am , on Saturday I ran to Menard 's to buy more dirt . I grabbed one of the big flatbed push carts to grab the bags . Of course , I got the one that wouldn 't steer . At all . I spent a lot of time trying to not run people over . When I got to the bags of dirt I wanted , the bags in front were broken open which meant I had to stoop under the railing and drag those damn bags out . By the time I grabbed the fifth bag , I could barely lift it onto the cart . It was at that point that I knew five would be all I was getting . Whether that 'll be enough or not remains to be seen . I then saw they had rose bushes on sale for $ 3 . 29 . I know that I need to replace the one in front of the house that didn 't survive this winter , but I bought two really pretty coral ones to put by the garage . I really hope they live cuz ' I do love me some roses . After I paid for those , I actually asked for help getting them loaded into my trunk because I knew there was no way I had any strength left to lift them . Then I went to the main part of the store and bought every kind of mosquito repellant known to man . Those little bastards are out in force this year ! ! I don 't recall them ever being this bad . A lady that was looking at the same stuff told me that mosquito stuff is sold out everywhere in town , which explained why the Menard 's selection was so picked over . When I got home , I immediately went to the front yard and sprinkled the stuff I bought all around where I sit to feed the hummers . And then I sprayed fogger just for good measure . Then I waited for the magic time when my birdies are most active , grabbed my folding chair and headed on out to play . And was immediately attacked by a gazillion mosquitoes , who evidently had just been waiting for a snack . Crikey ! ! I ran back in the house and sprayed myself down with the other repellant I bought , added one of those clip - on things and went back outside . Luckily that finally did the trick , and I was able to feed a couple of my little friends . That 's an awful lot of bug stuff just to feed a few birds , but whatever . If I don 't get to go out there , I pretty much stare at the windows and pout , so I have to try . I watched all weekend to see if the birds would use the birdbath . I didn 't see a single bird in it . Of course , that doesn 't mean they haven 't , but I can 't stalk that in the back yard at the same time as stalking the front window . Geez . I 'm only human . On Saturday before I spent some time laying in the sun , I grabbed the hose to fill it up with some fresh water . I was standing a few feet away with the water streaming , and all of a sudden a hummer came over and hovered right in front of my knees to play in the water . Um , hello , little boy . . . . there 's an entire fountain to play in . I stayed very still and watched him , and then he flew off to a feeder . This put a big ol ' smile on my face . After a few minutes he came right back and actually sat down on the ground right by my feet and drank out of the little puddle the hose had made . I don 't know if he 's stupid or what , but he sure was being cute . He stayed there for a long time . Still , use the damn fountain I bought . And tell your friends . This one is China Glaze Spring in My Step , Julep Winter and Sinful Colors Snow Me White with a MoYou Sailor 06 stamp . I do realize that Sailor stamp is probs suppose to be used with oceany colors , but I don 't care . I 'm like Honey Badger and just don 't give a shit . I liked it . I am a big fan of pink and grey together . Always have been , always will be . I just think they 're pretty colors together . The only problem with this one is maybe I should have used a color other than white because the stamp doesn 't show at the tip . Is it 5 o ' clock yet ? I just do not want to be here . I would just like to be at home even though it 's rainy and gloomy outside . I could still probably dodge the raindrops and get some more dirting done .
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So . . . today has been an eventful day . Master 's nephew was born today . He is healthy and the mother is as well . We know his name now . Apparently they knew what his name was going to be for about a month now but they didn 't want to tell anyone until after he was born . Why ? Not sure . They said we should come down to see them soon so we can see them and meet the new little one . I 'm sure we 'll figure something out . Then there was some other news today . Not so great news at that . I actually just got off the phone with my mother . She had some blood work done a couple of days ago and we had been waiting on the results . Well , she got the results back today . Apparently something in her body is not producing enough protein . They didn 't really tell her much on that . They basically told her they weren 't sure what and that she would have to come in for more blood work . The other results were that she has rheumatoid arthritis . I honestly do not know much about it . I know it 's not good and that it is very painful . I 'm almost a little afraid to look into it on the internet . You know how people tell you to never look on WebMD when you 're sick because you will convince yourself that you 're dying ? That 's kind of why I 'm afraid to look into the rheumatoid arthritis . The doctor did tell her that her fibromyalgia probably increased her risk for RA . And guess who else has fibromyalgia ? That 's right . This girl . Lucky me . So my mom had called not only to tell me the results but also to let me know that I may , at some point , be at risk for it as well . Apparently it is more likely to affect women . So that also increases my chances . I told Master and I 've put that thought on the back burner . I 'll keep it in mind basically . But I 'm more worried about my mom . She is going to see a RA specialist and is going in for more blood work . So now it 's just a waiting game yet and still . And I 'm honestly not complaining about that . I mean , it sucks putting in this overtime but aside from that , it 's what I have to do right now . Oh well . As a result of that though I 'm glad that Master is being lenient with me with basically everything aside from my bedtime . And even then He 's been allowing me to stay up until 11 : 30pm . He has been letting me just chill on the couch , watch TV and be goofy with Him by doing light banter back and forth . He has also been allowing me to play mini games on my phone while we do it . I normally don 't do that though . But since there isn 't a lot going on Master doesn 't find it annoying that I 'm playing games on my phone . Plus , He 's been playing His video games while we talk so I 'll whip out my phone and start playing games on there . I think it 's nice that we can do that and no one gets annoyed or offended by it . We can just sit there all relaxed and nerding out but still talk . My damn sister - in - law got me started on Candy Crush . She did it on purpose . It 's a fun game though ! I really do like it . And Master even helped me out on one of the levels because I was stuck as hell and getting frustrated with it . Speaking of my sister - in - law ( . . . Is that the right term ? She is my brother - in - law 's wife . . . ) is having their third child tomorrow . She isn 't technically due until a few weeks from now . However , she was scheduled for a c - section on Monday . Well apparently the doctor thinks she might go into labor before then so he bumped the c - section up to tomorrow . They aren 't telling anyone the baby 's name until after he is born . Master brought something up yesterday that I thought rather odd . When He started off the conversation I thought I was in trouble . But nope . Thankfully . I wasn 't panicking over possibly being in trouble because I had done something wrong . It was more a shocked , " What . . . ? " I think I got that feeling because of the look on His face . Apparently , it wasn 't His stern face I was seeing . He was confused about something . Hm . Okay . Well we have two almost completely different sleep schedules during the work week . I normally have to go to bed between 11pm and 11 : 30pm . Sometimes He 'll be nice and let me stay up until midnight . He , on the other hand , normally comes to bed between 2 : 30am and 3 : 30am . So it 's literally only a few hours before my alarm goes off . Anyway , apparently when He has been coming to bed to slip under the covers and cuddle up to me I start whimpering . I make these little scared noises I guess . No talking . Just whimpering . And I move across the bed until I 'm basically up against the wall . He 'll whisper to me and tell me it 's Him and that it 's okay . After that He said either I relax and back into Him so my back is against His chest . Other times I 'll stay right where I am and eventually stop whimpering . I have absolutely no memory of any of this . I mean I must be in a damn deep sleep . That 's part of what is confusing me . I 'll wake up when I " sense " that the bathroom light is on or if the power goes out and the fan turns off . So , He asked me if I knew why that was happening . I admitted that I had no fucking idea . Especially since when I go to bed I wish He were right next to me . It 's easier for me to sleep when He 's next to me . So me doing all that makes no sense what so ever . I don 't remember having any nightmares except for that one night a while back . And I didn 't even remember what the hell the nightmare was about . So . . . what the fuck brain ? I had a really , really difficult time falling asleep last night . I think I finally passed out a little after 1am . My alarm went off at 5 : 15am . At least I got some sleep . The weather was rather fucked up on my way to work . I took the dog out and it was pouring . I step out about 15 minutes later to head off to work and there was no rain what so ever . Weird . Then on the way to work it would be fine and then out of nowhere the rain would pour down so hard that I couldn 't see a damn thing more than a few feet in front of me . I 'm really glad I know how to fucking drive and also glad that other people were smart enough to have their headlights on . I put in a 10 hour day , excluding my short as hell lunch break . The time dragged for most of it but I did get quite a bit done . It does look like I 'll be having to do that the rest of this week though . So , I 'll be sending a text to the passenger in my carpool to let him know that unless he wants to get to work before 6 : 30am on Thursday and Friday , then he might want to find another ride . I 'm glad it 's a four day work week . Since I got out of work I feel like the bags under my eyes are huge . I know I look exhausted , but oddly enough I 'm not . In fact I 'm fully awake right now . I 'm moving slow and spaced the hell out but I 'm awake . Master was already kind enough to work on my back after dinner , so that is feeling better already . But I 'm still moving slow . Like I said I 'm spaced out and as a result I feel like I 'm moving in slow motion . On the way home from work I heard a song on the radio that just stuck in my fucking head . It 's another In This Moment song . I don 't really like the band itself . Honestly . But I did love their song " Blood " . But this one is odd . ( Yes , Master I know that " Blood " was odd as hell to You . It is to me too , but this one is even more out there . ) But then it got to the chorus and that is what is stuck in my head . I hate it when you only really love part of the song . But oh well . I 've already played it three times while I 've been posting it . What 's it called ? It 's called " Whore " . The chorus is just running through my head over and over again . Which , I 'm sure you 've already assumed , is why I 've played it three fucking times . The bad thing is that it seems to just be cementing it even more . So now apparently I like two of their songs . Hm . Well , it 's no different than Korn . Master hates that band . A lot . I don 't really care for them either but I like a handful of their songs . Well , it 's back to work tomorrow . It 's only a four day work week but it 's still going to be a long one as I need to put in enough overtime to get caught up , according to my supervisor . Well , getting caught up sounds great . . until you realize that you are caught up and then look ahead to the next day only to realize that you 'll be behind again because there is simply too much to do that day . So , I 'll do my very best . I 'm not going to live at the office for fucks sake . Normally , I 'd be freaking out about it . Why ? Because that 's just how I am . I get all tensed up over shit I cannot control . It stresses me the fuck out . But I 'm not doing that . Not today . The four day weekend was nice . Most of it anyway . On Friday it felt great because I thought to myself that these four days would drag slowly along . And Friday did . It really did . Saturday hits and that goes all sorts of fucked up and as a result the day feels at least a little wasted . I mean , I 'm still glad we went down to see my family . But on the same token it felt almost ruined because of all the bullshit that happened . Yesterday was was okay even though it felt like we were just waiting most of the day for my dad to call . We had skipped going to his place on Saturday so he had said we could come down yesterday . As a result , I told him to call so we could head down . So , Master and I didn 't really want to start a movie or try and really do anything else because we figured that the moment we did we 'd have to drop it to go see my dad . We had fun while we were down there though and the night was a really good time . Today . Well , I slept in later than I wanted to . The day seems to be flying by . In addition to it flying by I ended up passing out on the couch for an hour and a half . I didn 't even feel tired , so I don 't know why that happened . That will also make it harder for me to go to sleep when I need to . Hopefully Master won 't make me go to bed right on time . It didn 't really help that I had been really hoping that we 'd be able to sit outside or take the dog for a walk at least once on this four day weekend of mine , but the weather decided that wasn 't going to happen . I don 't know why , but I feel a little disappointed with this mini break . Don 't get me wrong , I had fun and we fucked and as usual the sex was amazing . I really , really enjoyed the extra time with Master . But there is still this small level of disappointment . It 's like nothing went the way it was really supposed to and Master and I spent most of it just trying to figure out something to do because there really wasn 't anything to do . There was a lot of , " So . . what do you want to do ? " . . . . " I don 't know . What do you want to do ? " Oh well . At least I got to see some members of my family and Master and I got to spend a lot of extra time together . 2 comments : We went down to see my dad today . And it was a good time , but it also made me a bit sad . At first , it was fun because he finally got to show us his new hearse . It is beautiful . I sat down in the front seat after he had shown us the back of the car . I love it . The rest of the visit went great . But , then there was the thing that made me kind of sad . Well , he has been " dating " that woman I mentioned a while back . The one that was a family friend years ago . They haven 't seen each other in a very long time but they have been talking to each other over the phone a lot apparently and have agreed that they are , in fact , in a relationship . She is coming up to visit soon . Within the next couple of months I guess . That doesn 't make me sad though . What makes me sad is that apparently it 's getting so serious that they have already decided that unless she wants to move up here , which it doesn 't sound like she does , then he 'll be moving six hours away to go live with her . The only thing that will prevent this is if they break up between now and then . Which honestly , I don 't see happening . He 's almost 52 years old and I think he is just ready to settle down and stay settled . And he knows this woman very well and he said they had a connection back when I was a kid but they didn 't act on it because they were both married at the time . I know , a lot of people move away and six hours isn 't that much . And I understand this . I really do . And yes , I want my father to be happy . Of course I do . Just as I want my mother to be happy . It was one thing when I moved 45 minutes away . It 's still easy to just go down and visit or for him to come up here to see us . But six hours ? That 's not exactly a , " Hey there isn 't much going on and we have the time . . . why not just pop on over and see my dad for a while ? " I 'm so used to just being able to go visit . Just like I am with my mom and my brother . I 'm being selfish and unreasonable and I know this . I also do not give a damn . If / When it comes to pass I 'll be emotional . But I 'm not going to be mad at him or anything like that . My dad and I are very close . . . so I guess that is what is making me sad . He is my dad and my friend and I don 't want him to move away . I think another factor is that I know I can 't really afford to go and see him when he 'll be six hours away and I also know he won 't really be able to afford to come up to see us either . A 45 minute drive is one thing . Six hours ? Yeah . That 's a big difference . Who knows . Maybe it won 't come to pass and I 'm a little sad over absolutely nothing . It 's been known to happen . Or maybe it will and this is my preemptive strike so that I don 't get so upset when it does . As Master would say , " There is no use worrying about it now babe . " Today did not go as planned . It didn 't go as planned one little bit . We had plans to go down for my nephew 's birthday and then go visit my dad . Well , my brother lives above our mom 's right now . So we went down and sat inside her living room . The birthday party was going to be there since his portion of the house is not that big and it wasn 't warm enough outside to have it outside . When Master and I got there I saw my brother 's car but I didn 't see him . My nephews ran downstairs and came to say hi . I gave my youngest nephew his birthday present . Apparently my brother was upstairs . Well , what the fuck ? The part was supposed to start at 12 : 30pm and it was now almost 1pm . My nephews both ran back upstairs . So I go upstairs and his snobby ass bitch of a girlfriend is up there and so is her sister . As usual , I get the dirty looks they always toss my way . I ignore it and ask what my brother what is going on . " Oh , well my girlfriend thought it would be a better idea to go to Burger King for the birthday party . " Well , how nice for her . Nice last minute change after we show up . Needless to say it did not go over well . Burger King is literally right across the street , but I was already pissed off . I 'll get into why in a moment . And since they decided to have it in the play room it was loud as fuck . As I said I was already ticked . And my nephews were running around in the maze thing . So I didn 't even get to interact with them . My brother pretty much just sat there with his girlfriend and didn 't say much . I think I stayed a whopping 15 minutes . Oh yes , I know . I 'm a horrible aunt . But seriously ? I was getting a migraine , it wasn 't even a party and I didn 't get to see my nephews and I didn 't want to just sit there and stare at my brother and his girlfriend . So I called my nephews down and said goodbye . I told my brother that the birthday boy 's present was on Mom 's kitchen counter and that he had already opened it . Okay , so now to delve more into why I was pissed off . First , you tell people where the party is going to be and they are already there . You aren 't even downstairs yet and are hiding up in your apartment . Then , you send my nephews down to tell us all that the party is moving over to Burger King . That was quite a shock to everyone , including my mother . You see , my mother had already bought a cake , cupcakes and some other birthday stuff . She had cleaned her house top to bottom people she knew that a group of people were coming over . She had made sure that everything was set up had already ordered pizza to be sent . She did everything according to plan . This is what my brother had said he wanted . But . . instead . . his girlfriend brings a cake and " hints " that the party would be better at Burger King . And he goes along with it . I had told him before he left to go over there that he needs to talk to Mom . I mean after all , she had bought a cake and other goodies and had ordered pizza . His response ? Well , I 'm sure someone will eat your cake and we can just eat the pizza later . " And then we ended up not going to my dad 's afterward because he had said he wasn 't up to it today . I understood , completely . I honestly did . But it was just another thing that was like , " Um . . okay ? Guess that plan is out the window too . " No comments : I don 't want much . I 'm quite honestly not a very materialistic person . But sometimes the green eyed monster sneaks up on me . I don 't know why I let it bother me , but it does . And it 's not so much the fact that I want what they have , it 's more a feeling of things being unfair and not understanding why it bothers me . And when I don 't understand something like that it tends to annoy me . A good example is BC and his wife . Don 't get me wrong , BC is my friend . Hell , he 's been Master 's friend since high school . But sometimes , his wife pisses me off . I don 't so much get the green eyed monster because of what they are doing or what they have , it 's the fact that how they are doing it pisses me off . They are both older than me . His wife is 39 . BC is about 37 or so . I think he 's 37 . He 's either 37 or 36 . Either fucking way , that 's not really the point . The point is that they are married , and live with his parents . Now , normally that would be a sweet thing . Like they live with his parents to take care of them or something . But that isn 't the case . No . Not even close . BC has only lived on his own twice . Once when he was out of state for college . The second time was when he and his now wife moved in together . And prior to them moving in together he was living with his parents and she was living with her aunt . They had a very expensive wedding while living with his parents . Why are they living there ? Well , because apparently they think they can 't afford to live on their own . They don 't pay rent and only part of the utilities . Oh , I can only imagine the things I could do or buy if I didn 't have to pay rent or only pay a portion of utilities . Okay , I 'm rambling I know . I 'll cut to the chase . All of the above is true and his wife is constantly posting about how they are going out of town , or they just bought a new car , or he bought her expensive shoes or a new piece of jewelry . Like I said , I 'm not materialistic person . But I can 't say that I don 't wish we could afford to do more things or get more things that we both want . But we can 't afford to . Ya know , we have bills to pay and other responsibilities that need to be taken care of . We get by . We 're not poor or anything . But we can 't afford things like going out of town all the time , or buying each other expensive presents . If other people can afford it , that 's fine . Good for you . I 'm not jealous of stuff like that . It 's when that 's all people do with their money and skate by on everything else that it pisses me off . Hence the green eyed monster . What triggered this ? His wife , yet again , posted about how they are going out of town all weekend . Today was a very rough day . Very , very rough . I won 't go into all the tiny details but I started off tired . Then something at work seriously pissed me off . I hid in the bathroom to send a quick e - mail to Master from my cell phone just to vent about said thing that pissed me off . I felt better immediately there after . Once I had calmed down I actually got into a pretty good mood as the work day went by . That is kind of weird . But I think it 's because the closer it got to the time I got to clock out , the more I thought about the fact that I have four days off ! As a result my mood got a lot better . I 'm probably going to end up basically living at work starting on Tuesday because I absolutely have to get caught up , but I 'm not focusing on that right now . I 'm focusing on the fact that for four days I get to be at home and relax . Well , minus a family thing that is going on this Saturday . When I got home from work Master and I were trying to figure out what we wanted for dinner . We need to do grocery shopping and nothing in the house sounded good . We hemmed and hawed about it and finally said fuck it , we 'll get McDonald 's . Since I was still dressed and had my shoes on I made the run down there . But before I did Master and I were joking around a little bit . He was being extremely goofy so I told Him that I was leaving the dog in charge . * laughs * His response was to be even more goofy . Since I was heading out to McDonald 's I told Him I was going to get Him a happy meal . He started to respond with something probably along the lines of , " Don 't you dare . . " but I don 't know for sure because I had already shut the door while laughing . The drive thru line was longer than I expected so I had time to think . As I was thinking the thought popped into my head that you can actually buy a happy meal toy without the happy meal . Yep , time to pull a prank on Master . So I got our usual meals and also ordered a toy without the happy meal . They handed me the bag of food and the toy . Why they didn 't just put the toy in the bag I have no idea . When I got home and parked the car I quickly stuffed the toy in the McDonald 's bag so He wouldn 't see it . Whenever we get McDonald 's I put the bag on the counter , pull my food out , and then hand Him the bag with His food in it . As a result He didn 't see the toy until after He opened the bag and stuck His hand in to grab a cheeseburger . He pulled the toy out and looked at me with a " Really ? " type look on His face . He did laugh though . And after we were done eating He actually opened the toy bag and put the toy together . It 's a glider type toy so He threw it a couple of times before setting it down . It 's currently sitting on the side table . I thought He would just throw it away , but figured it was worth the tiny bit of money they charge for the toy just to pull a prank on Him . But , He is actually keeping it . At least for now . I 'm really glad I can do stupid shit like that for a laugh and not get in trouble for it . He has a great sense of humor , thankfully . No comments : I feel like a bad slave lately . I really do . I 've been so tired from work and just wanting to be as lazy as possible . I 'm not just tired from work , I am also sore as hell from work . Master has been kind enough to work on my back many times through out the weeks , which I greatly appreciated . But as the work day goes by , I 'm in more pain again by the time I get home . So , on the work days I 'm sore and tired and probably grumpy . I say probably grumpy because I don 't mean to be and I actually try really hard not to be . But I know it most likely creeps out every now and then . Just because work is kicking my tail up one side and down the other doesn 't give me any right or cause to come home and be a bitch . And grumpy is only a few steps away from becoming bitchy . Add to the fact that my sex drive , during the work week , has dropped . It 's not gone . It 's just not at it 's normal , some what high , levels . Thankfully , it picks back up on the weekend . Another reason why I feel like a bad slave is because , lets face it , my blog posts fucking suck lately . It 's all work this and stress that . Ugh . I don 't really like even writing them but I am not about to ask Master for permission to skip posting for weeks at a time . There is no way in hell He would grant that . Unfortunately , it doesn 't look like this hell is going to end anytime soon . I asked my supervisor if I could do overtime next week . I figured it 's a good thing to ask now so I don 't have to worry about it on Tuesday . He simply responded with , " Approved . " I replied and asked how many hours I could have . He didn 't give any hours limit . Instead he told me to do as much as it took to get caught up . Well , Tuesday and Wednesday I don 't have the passenger in my carpool since he will be out of town . Monday the office is closed , so I don 't have to worry about that . As a result , on Tuesday and Wednesday I 'll be doing a fuck ton of overtime . Hell , if I 'm not caught up after that I 'll simply tell the passenger in my carpool that I 'll be doing it again on Thursday and Friday and if he doesn 't want to ride with me those days , oh well . I 'll only be losing $ 8 from what he would be giving me . So I 'm not going to bend over backwards for $ 8 . At that point I 'll eat the $ 8 . I really , really don 't want to work on a weekend if I can avoid it . I 'd rather work myself to the bone during the week . It saves on gas and it also means I 'll have my entire weekend . I 'll be happy when things at work even out or I find a new job . Then I can go back to being the good slave I usually am . It 's not like Master is mad at me or makes me feel bad about it . He doesn 't do that at all . He is very supportive and has pampered me a bit because of it . But I know He 'll be just as happy as I am when things even out . 2 comments : I actually used to be on social security for my fibromyalgia and migraines . It was before I was 18 . My parents couldn 't afford all the medical bills as it seemed everyone and their mom wanted to send me to yet another specialist . Some of it was because they couldn 't figure out what was causing the migraines . The other was trying to find different ways to manage my pain levels . I was taken off of social security when I was 19 . I had gone up for review and I no longer wanted to go to doctors and specialists when they weren 't helping . Also , they had decided that I was able to work , so since I was an adult I was kicked off . Obviously , I can work , so it 's not like I 'm complaining . It 's just really frustrating when I tell people I have fibromyalgia and am in a lot of pain and they act like it 's not that big of a deal . I know I don 't show pain easily . I also know that I can do everything everyone else does . Duh . But it hurts . I 'm in constant pain . It just ebbs and flows . There are days where it isn 't as bad and since I 've been this way for so long I 'm just used to it . Then there are days where I can barely stand it . And again there are other days where I can 't stand it or my neck decides to get stuck . Or maybe I can 't wash my hair that day because it hurts too badly to raise my arms that high . ( Thankfully Master washes my hair on those days . ) I have insurance now and have had it for a few years now , but I still haven 't sought out a specialist . All they are going to do is pump me full of pills . Or maybe they 'll try acupuncture again . Perhaps traction again . . . Or , they could do my personal favorite , which is shove giant needles into my shoulders with medication in them to see if that helps . Oh it helps , for two hours . I can 't tell you how many times they did that to me . I 've lost count . And I 'm not being dramatic when I say huge needles . They were so long that I remember crying the first time I saw it because I thought it was going to scrape against my shoulder blade . Oh those lovely things called trigger point injections . Fuck you doctors . I know part of the reason why some people take this lightly is because I don 't show it . Call it pride . Call it being used to it . Call it being stubborn . But most people on a normal or only slightly bad day can 't even tell . They wouldn 't think it at all . And I can understand why . It doesn 't show up in my face or my movements . It 's not until a bad day hits that it 's obvious . And I don 't really change how I move or what I do . It 's not absolutely horrible today but holy fucking hell am I in pain today . I know it 's showing in my movements today , and in how I 'm sitting or standing . On and off through out the day my back and shoulder muscles have been twitching and locking momentarily . It 's so much fun while having to sit in front of a computer or while carrying stacks of files . Tonight after I got home from work and we had finished eating dinner Master suggested that we go sit out on our porch for a while . We have the air on , I won 't lie . But it just gets so damn hot in the apartment living room due to that huge glass patio door we have . Outside it was still rather hot , but it was almost 6pm by that time so it wasn 't as bad . We originally sat down on our own porch and it wasn 't more than two minutes after we sat down that one of our neighbors saw us and told us to come sit by them . These are some of the neighbors that we sat with most of last summer . I was half and half on my mood on that one . It was nice because we were outside and I hadn 't spoken to them all winter as Master and I tend to pretty much keep to ourselves in the winter months . On the other hand I was sore and a bit cranky from the work day so my mood wasn 't 100 % social . But we sat with them for about a half hour I 'd say . We went in when Master saw me resting my head on my hand more and more . I was starting to wind down . And as a result , I was becoming less social . I wasn 't being a bitch or anything , I just wasn 't talking as much . So we came inside and since then I 've pretty much sat on the couch watching TV with Master . It 's really muggy out right now , so we 're keeping the air on low right now . I feel more wiped out than I originally thought . I hate this feeling . Hate it . Mainly because when I get like this I end up feeling kind of shaky . And of course I 'm hypoglycemic , so I can never really be sure if I 'm shaking simply because I 'm worn out or because I need to eat something . No comments : This weekend was absolutely wonderful . I have been relaxed all weekend long . * happy sigh * Like I had said , I was going to go into work yesterday but had decided against it . And apparently it was a good thing I did . From what I heard , cars were sitting in traffic so long that they overheated to the point that they had to be towed out . Holy hell . Four hours worth of bumper to bumper traffic both ways . Yeah , I 'm glad I didn 't go . So I got to sleep in . In fact , the dog didn 't wake me up until 9am , which is really late for him . I stayed up after I took him out . Master got up around 11am . We relaxed in the living room for a little while before He was about to got take His shower . He stood in front of me , naked , to give me a half hug like He normally does before He goes to take a shower on the weekend . I was sitting on the couch and like usually He got up , stood in front of me with His thigh to me . I rested my head on His thigh and He wrapped His arm around me . I held on a little longer than usual as I had wrapped my arms around His leg . He chuckled and told me to let go . Instead I let go of His leg and started stroking His cock . He chuckled again and told me to either let go so He could go take His shower or to get my tail to the bedroom so we could fuck . Guess which one I chose ? It was a quickie , but I love those . Sometimes that wham , bam , thank you ma ' am is hotter than fucking for an hour and a half , ya know ? After that He took His shower and I ran down to the gas station . We had about another hour to kill before we headed down to His brother 's . It was our first time going to a family member 's house on His dad 's side of the family . It 's been a slow build up over the past 2 ½ years . We got there about a half hour early , but they didn 't seem to mind . A lot happened so I won 't go into every detail but it was a lot of fun and it was so relaxed . There was no tension . We felt at home immediately . And they seemed to be totally comfortable with us there . Master had a beer with His brother while I spent time with His brother 's wife . We all played outside with His niece and nephew and His two younger sisters . We sat around and talked with His dad , His eldest sister and all of the other adults . It was great ! We stayed a lot later than I thought we would . We got there around 2 : 30pm and didn 't leave until almost 7 : 30pm . And I think we would have stayed later had it been up to Master and His brother , but the kids needed to be put to bed and my brother - in - law 's wife is 36 weeks pregnant so she was more than wore out . So I gently suggested that we head home . Today has been spent doing nothing . I left the apartment once . Other than that we 've just lazed about the living room . I 've been kind of frisky today though . We fucked earlier today and I have been coping feels here and there and He 's done the same . It 's a little sad that it 's almost 8pm already . I don 't want this weekend to end . 2 comments : If it 's not one thing it 's another . Today was a great example of that . The drive to work was stressful since for whatever fucked up reason the interstate was backed up beyond belief . I was still able to get to work a half hour early . Don 't ask me how because I honestly have no fucking idea . So okay , not a great start but whatever . Traffic sucks sometimes . But the stress continued . My work computer has been acting up randomly for a while now . I was able to work around it as it wasn 't " the usual " . But today it got progressively worse . I had enough . So I contacted our IT department and they came over to look at it . Apparently , it needed more memory . And while they were at it , they decided that it would be best to just upgrade my computer to the new operating system that they were just started to change people over to . Only a handful of people in the office have it right now . But I was so happy that they were going to do that . The only problem was that this was going to take 45 minutes to a hour . Okay . . that sucks . But I could do smaller stuff that I hadn 't been able to get to in about three weeks . Such as filing and all that stuff . That didn 't last as long as I thought it would . Before I knew it I was trying to find things to do . So I restocked paper , grabbed blank files to stock in our copy room , stuff like that . But once all that was done I went to check in with how it was going with my computer . It still wasn 't done . All told it took closer to two hours . Now , granted I was getting paid for those two hours but I couldn 't do what I really needed to be doing . The rest of the work day went off without a hitch . Then it came time to go home . Yeah , that wasn 't as easy as it sounds . The road was blocked off by cops . There didn 't seem to be a reason for it . There was no accident and the traffic lights were working fine . It just seemed to be that intersection that was blocked . And of course that was the only road that led to the interstate , which is really the only way I know home . So I did some creative driving and found my way into a parking lot that had an exit out onto the street I needed to take to get to the interstate . I get maybe half way there and guess what ? More fucking cops blocking the intersection . What the fuck ? ! Like I said , I don 't know another way home but apparently I was going to half to figure out a different way fast . I don 't have a GPS , so I was kind of left to my own wits and creativity . I made a quick call to Master to let Him know what was going on and that I would be running pretty late . I didn 't want Him freaking out and thinking I had gotten into an accident . So I pick a major road and head East . I figured as long as I continued to go East eventually I would find a cross street that I recognized . And I was right ! It took a while , but I found one and then headed South . Once we started passing signs pointing to on ramps for the interstate the passenger in my carpool suggested we try getting on the interstate . I shook my head no and explained that we would be stuck in traffic as it was now the middle of rush hour . He didn 't seem to happy about it as he apparently thought that we would get home sooner if we went on the interstate . Too bad . I 'm the one driving . And I was right , as soon as we could see traffic on the interstate it was bumper to bumper . It took a lot longer to get home , but we got there simply by me just to keep going in one direction until I found a street that I know . I finally dropped him off about 40 minutes late . I understand why he was agitated . I was too . It 's fucking Friday , everyone wants to get home as soon as possible . After I dropped him off I hit the gas station and finally came home . I must have looked pretty pissed off when I walked in because Master looked at me kind of funny and asked why I was looking at Him like I wanted to kill Him . * laughs * I have since just been trying to decompress . I was going to go into work tomorrow for a few hours but then I heard that they are shutting off a huge section of interstate starting tonight until late Sunday morning . And guess what stretch it is ? It 's all of the on ramps that are within 30 minutes of our home . And that 's both ways . So I would have to deal with it both on the way out there and on the way back . Plus tonight just frustrated the fuck out of me . No comments : I have a big heart when it comes to animals . I feel bad every time I see one without a home . This is why we adopt our animals . I prefer to save one basically . Yes , dogs born from breeders need homes too . But there are a lot of people who want pure bred dogs and are willing to pay for it . Not everyone wants a mutt . Me ? I love mutts . As does Master . The other day my cousin contacted me via text . I haven 't talked to this girl in years . Anyway , her and her husband are looking to re - home one of their dogs . What amazes me is they literally got her five months ago . I told her that unfortunately we don 't have the room or finances for another dog right now , other wise I would love to . It was hard saying no , but I know we have limitations and if you cannot care for the animal properly , you don 't get the animal . That 's all there is to it . Although , since they had the dog such a short period of time I did ask why they were looking for a new home for her . Apparently she is currently pregnant with child number three . They didn 't know this when they adopted this dog . This dog isn 't even a year yet . She won 't be a year old until October . So , since she still has a lot of puppy in her and she is a high energy dog , they know that they can 't take care of her and a newborn at the same time . We have been watching that Dog Whisperer show again . I love that show . But I get a little jealous whenever you see his pack of about 30 dogs or so . I would love to be able to have a large pack of dogs like that . Don 't get me wrong , I love our dog very , very much . But it would be nice to have more dogs for us to love and care for and for him to be friends with . This Saturday we are going down to visit Master 's family . Well , His dad 's side of the family anyway . They are a rather large group . Larger than we are used to anyway . It will be our first time down at His brother 's house . So we 're kind of nervous and excited about it . Why ? Well , it seems that we are taking bigger and bigger steps with that side of the family , which is a great thing ! We 've been invited our to lunch and dinner for a couple of years now . And then beginning last November we have been invited to more family functions . Birthdays and such and now a cook out . I think it 's wonderful . We aren 't too sure whether or not His dad 's wife will be there or not . She does not like Master at all and so she tries not to be around us as much as possible . I 'm pretty sure that my father - in - law 's second wife will be there . She is the mother of half - brother and half - sister # 1 . And she 's awesome ! I really like her . My father - in - law 's third and current wife is the mother of half - sister # 2 and # 3 . Master 's mom is never invited to such functions and never will be . Although I will say that if we ever have an anniversary party or something along those lines where the whole family , His and mine , are invited it 'll be really interesting to see how His mom reacts . I personally think it 'll be hilarious . My brother has already met my father - in - law , my brother - in - law and the nephew . They got along great . I 'm excited because this is a big step . And all this means is that our relationship , and more importantly Master 's relationship with that side of the family is growing stronger . That makes me extremely happy . And you can just tell that Master 's dad is as pleased as punch that all of his children are getting along and getting to know one another better . We have been messaging back and forth with all of those people to try and figure all of this out . Well today we finally decided who is bringing what . At first they said we didn 't have to bring anything at all . I 'm sure in the hell not about to go to their house for the first time for a cook out and not bring anything at all . So we offered to bring chips . It 's simple but it 's a cook out damn it . Plus , they had all the meats and what not covered . I 'm really looking forward to this . I am a very lucky girl . I 'm lucky because I have a man that loves me and wants to make me smile . He knows how stressed out I am . Not only because He listens to my whining / bitching when I need to vent or just simply tell Him about my day . But because He notices things . He sees that I look tired all the time . He can see the stress on my face . He sees how much pain I 'm in , more so than usual . As a result He has been doing His very best to cheer me up and make sure that I 'm relaxing as much as possible while I 'm home . He has been giving me back rubs , giving me extra long hugs when I get home from work . . you know . . small stuff like that . But it all helps . He 's been acting more goofy than usual to try and get me to smile , even if I smile while asking Him what the hell is wrong with Him . My Master loves goofing around , especially when He knows He is making me laugh . He is allowing me to be more lazy than usual . I 'm pretty much a bump on the couch the majority of the night . I peel myself off the couch in order to help take care of the animals , do my blog post , and take my shower . Oh ! And He 's been watching stupid shit with me . Stupid shit that He doesn 't particularly care for . What ? Well , you see . . I 'm somewhat addicted to talk shows / court shows . The talk shows ? Well . . . . yeah . They are kinda white trashy . * laughs * Jerry Springer and Maury ! I like Jerry Springer because well . . it 's trash ! I love watching the fucked up drama and the fights . As far as Maury goes , it 's the paternity tests and lie detector test shows that I love . More drama ! Whoo - hoo ! See what I mean about the white trashy type thing ? Yeah . He 's been playing those for me . He gets into it a little sometimes . Like when someone lands a good hit on Jerry Springer . Maury ? I think He just shakes His head at the stupidity . But the point is , that He puts up with it so I can watch it . And He knows that I prefer watching stuff with Him rather than watching it myself . So He 's been sitting through it . Sometimes , even though I 'm medicated , I can emotional over react to some things . Not nearly as bad as I did prior to my medication . And I understand that medication is not a cure . I 'll still have my good and my bad days . I know this . That doesn 't mean it doesn 't fucking suck . Today was one of those days . I had a knot in my stomach the minute I got in the car to go to work . Just an uneasy feeling . I don 't know if it 's because I want a new job and I 'm sick of this one , or if it 's because seven people have been fired in the last 30 days which is honestly a record high for that place . We aren 't that large of an office . As a result I was stressing myself out , as I am known to do . I contacted Master on my lunch break to tell Him and He told me to just breathe and calm myself down . There is no use in working myself up because then I 'll just make myself stress out even more . I was eventually able to calm down enough where that knot in my stomach went away . I got approved for eight hours of overtime this week . That 's a lot honestly . More than I thought I would get . What sucks the most though is that I 'll most likely end up having to work Saturday . It doesn 't suck just because it 's a Saturday . But it also sucks because we have plans to see His dad 's side of the family on Saturday . That 's not until 3pm though so I would go in early , obviously . I 'm not about to cancel our plans with His family . We don 't see them all that often . I told Master this and He is just more worried about me burning myself out and wearing myself too thin . I told Him I 'm not going to cancel and He said that He understands that but He is worried about me . I react to stress physically . Not only does my fibromyalgia kick into high gear , like today , but I get pale , I am tired all the time , my appetite goes right out the window which isn 't a good thing because of my blood sugar issues . So , while I have these eight hours of overtime approved I highly doubt I 'll be able to pull it off within the next four days . I did an extra 45 minutes today . I would have done more but I wasn 't sure what the approval amount was going to be and I wanted to be able to spread it out if it was a low number . This is why I think I 'll end up going in on Saturday . I do get a four day weekend next week though due to Memorial Day . So at least I 'll have that to look forward to if / when I have to work on Saturday . When I got home tonight though the first thing that happened was that Master came over to me , gave me a hug , and held me close for a little while . That was really nice , and very much needed and appreciated . No comments : Sundays are always so bittersweet . I 've had a great weekend . It 's actually gone by slower than I thought it would , which is a very good thing . We went to hang out with my dad on Friday . Yesterday we pretty much lazed about and fucked . And today , so far , we 've just lazed about the apartment . Normally I don 't start my nightly routine until about 8 : 30pm . And since 9pm is when we take care of the animals as soon as that time comes and goes it feels like it 's time to go to bed already . My bedtime is normally between 11pm and 11 : 30pm . So the night past night goes in a blink of an eye for me . It 's not so much that I don 't want to go to work . It 's more I just know what the hell I 'm walking into and it overwhelms me some days . Especially with all the bullshit that 's going on at the company . It 's making me anxious to find a new job . But I can 't compromise too much on what I 'm looking for because that would fuck us over in the long run . And it seems like most of the jobs I 'm finding are either further out than my current job , don 't pay well enough or are only part time or just a temp position . Nope . Can 't do that . Plus all the places that are reaching out to me are insurance companies . Ugh . No ! I cannot afford to go to commission rather than straight hourly or salary . I cannot depend on how well sales are going . Plus , I suck at sales anyway . I 'm better at regular office work or call center work . Something has to come along eventually . I just hope it 's sooner rather than later . I know I 've been talking about it a lot lately but it 's constantly in my mind , swimming around in there . I 'm almost stuck on it because I 'm trying to figure out the best way of doing things , what direction to go , etc . We went to my dad 's yesterday just to hang out . I had found out that my dad now has a long distance girlfriend . Okay . Cool . But . . . . it 's someone I know . She was a friend of the family and would come over for cook outs and just to sit around and chill with my mom and dad . ( My parents were still married at the time . They didn 't get a divorce until I was 17 years old . ) In fact , I went to this woman 's wedding when she married another family friend . Her three kids would come over with her and her then husband all the time . I kind of grew up with this woman being around . I don 't know why but that makes me feel a little awkward about it . Like . . Dude . . you and my mom were constantly drinking tea / coffee and chatting away . Not to mention the fact that she told my dad that she always had a thing for him . So , you had a crush on my dad and flirted with him while he was married to my mother and you were hanging out with my mom . Anyway , apparently she had moved out of state quite some time ago . Probably shortly before my parents got divorced . She divorced her first husband because he cheated on her . Then she divorced her second husband because he cheated on her . When he told us that he had said that to her , Master and I just got really , really quiet . He cheated on my mom for close to a year before finally telling her about it and filing for divorce . He then stayed with that woman for 10 years and cheated on her for about three or four months before he broke up with her and she moved out . But . . I wasn 't going to comment . If dad feels he is past such things , okay cool . But that is kind of a record there , ya know ? Now , that may sound like I 'm being a hypocrite . I , after all , cheated on my ex with Master . I did it for a couple of weeks before breaking it off . Master was also in a relationship at the time and the time frame was pretty much right on the money since we had agreed we were going to pretty much do it around the same time . So yes , I have cheated in a past relationship . However , doing it in one relationship . . . okay . You made a bad decision . You could have handled it better . But not only does my dad have a record of it , he allows quite a lengthy period of time to go by before finally breaking it off . Two weeks versus up to a year ? Yeah . I don 't really judge my dad . He does what he wants and it 's not my place to comment on it as it does not directly effect me . But it was just something I didn 't want to comment on so I was quiet for a short period of time before basically smoothly directing the conversation into a different direction . One thing my dad has said since he divorced my mother 13 years ago was that he would never , ever get married again . Okay . No problem . Whatever makes you happy . But he does sometimes make comments about how people who get married are making a horrible mistake . Never mind he was married to my mother for 25 years . When he does make those comments he always looks over and says , " But not you guys . . you guys are happy and I 'm happy for you . " Maybe not those exact words all the time , but close to it . He was happy when I first told him that Master and I were getting married . All he told Master was , " No receipt . No return . No warranty . " And then he turned to me and said , " Don 't fuck it up . " I love being married . It is honestly not any different in how our relationship was prior to marriage . It 's just the added benefits . Such as the legal aspects . That takes a lot off my mind should anything , gods forbid , happen . Also , being able to call Him my Husband rather than my boyfriend makes me very happy . And being called His wife rather than His girlfriend also makes me very happy . It just . . carries more weight I guess . It doesn 't mean that we weren 't serious while " just dating " . It just means that we decided to make it legal / official . No comments : This post is actually supposed to be for my 05 / 10 / 13 post . However , I had taken a nap on the couch until 9pm , when Master woke me up so we could take care of the animals and then I got back on the couch and apparently fell back asleep until about 15 minutes ago . So it 's now after midnight . I feel bad about it honestly . Master said not to worry about it . He knows how work has been as well as other stresses that had been on my mind for the past few days . Events at work today did not help . Today one of the employees that is not in my department but I had gotten along with was fired today . I have no idea why honestly . But that is the seventh person within less than a 30 day period that has been fired . In the four years I have worked there , that is the most I have ever seen . Hell , I only remember two employees being fired within a 30 day period . So , either more and more people are fucking up pretty badly or they are cutting down the staff size . They aren 't really letting us know this part , but we are losing some work from our clients . Not in my department , as we have been busy as fuck , but in parts of the larger departments that are normally swamped beyond belief year round . And guess what ? My department isn 't their big money maker . Even still , two of people in my department were recently fired . One I understood completely , but the other not so much . On the way home from work the passenger in my carpool and I were discussing all this . I learned something though . He admitted that if he could find a different job with the same pay and a little closer to home he would jump in a heart beat . So he is basically along the same line of thinking that I am . I didn 't allude to the fact that I am currently job hunting but I did tell him that I felt the same way . And the bad part is that we are both really good employees . We shouldn 't feel like that . But here we are . The other thing that ticked us off is that an employee who has been there less than six months got employee of the month . I have been there four years and the passenger in the carpool has been there five years and neither of us have ever won . It 's a popularity contest as you have to be nominated by " x " amount of people to be considered . So it 's not really based on your work performance . That 's the other thing we have noticed . All of the people getting cut loose have been there for four years or more . I think it 's one of those , " We can get someone in here who is cheaper to do this . " situations . So , that 's uncomfortable as well . As a result I will be doubling my job hunting efforts . I honestly don 't think I 'm going to get fired , but I have that the rats should be leaving the ship feeling in my stomach that I had at my last job . It 's not a pleasant sensation . I had bad dreams all night last night . I don 't remember what the hell they were about , which just makes it worse . I was tossing and turning all night . I woke up randomly and then went into a half sleep , which was highly annoying . I think I kept Master up as well , which I feel bad about . I 've always kind of wondered how the hell you know that you 've had a bad dream but you don 't remember what the fuck it was about . If I don 't remember what it was about how can I know I had a bad dream ? I guess it 's just the feeling you have when you wake up . I don 't know . That feeling stuck with me most of the day . I 've just had a blah mood and just felt kind of spaced out . I feel rather cuddly and affectionate . So I 've been randomly hugging Master and kissing His forward and other random things like that . It 's a good thing He is an affectionate person . It would be awkward if He wasn 't . I 'm a very affectionate person and even more so when I 'm like this . For example , on my way over to the computer to do my blog post I stopped by His chair and kissed His forehead a couple of times and He just smiled . Hopefully tonight I 'll sleep without a problem . The funny thing is that I don 't feel tired at all . You would think that since I didn 't get a good night 's sleep that I would be exhausted , especially after the kind of work day I had , but I 'm wide awake . I 'm just blah . Today started off as any other work day has gone lately . I woke up before my alarm for some fucked up reason . I seem to be doing that a lot . Then the work day went how it did . Busy as fuck and just not enough time to get stuff done . And since there is an overtime restriction there isn 't much I could do about it . The end of the work day really sucked though . I think I scratched my eye . Like , the eye itself . It burns like a mother fucker and when I first realized it , it hurt to even look at the monitor , which is not a good thing since I stare at one for 8 + hours a day . Thankfully it was towards the end of the work day and I just kept going and wiping my eye every now and then because it was watering so badly . After I dropped off the passenger in the carpool I came home and parked in front of our apartment complex and called Master . He came out and I drove us down to the game store . We still had in - store credit left from the trade in we did and it was enough to get two more games ! They are older titles of course , but hey . Whatever . When we got back home I got a hold of my dad . We 'll be going down to visit him on Friday . He leaves on Saturday to go pick up his car . I guess he won 't be back until Monday . I can 't wait to see it . Once I got off the phone Master and I decided to just go outside and chill on our porch . It 's finally nice enough to do that , so we might as well take advantage of it . We sat out for about an hour and a half and now I 'm knocking out my post and then taking my shower so I can just relax the rest of the night . Master told me that He will work on my back after the animals are taken care of for the night . I can 't wait ! Damn fibromyalgia . No comments : I was having a very rough day today at work . It was getting to the point that I was starting to feel overwhelmed . I don 't mean just by my work load , I mean as in my mood . I 'm not sure why . It may be in part due to the fact that I 'm on my period and the other part is just because of how work has been going lately . Either way it was about 2 : 30pm when it hit me . So I called Him . Thankfully He answered the phone and we talked for a few moments . It wasn 't that I was spinning out of control or anything . I just needed to touch base and breathe for a moment . The best way for me to do that is to hear Master 's voice . It 's like touching base . He centers me . Even if it 's just a quick phone call . We talked for about six or seven minutes and then I had to get back to my never ending work load . But really , that 's all I needed . I felt better the minute I hung up the phone . The rest of the work day seemed a bit easier . Yes , it was only two more hours but still . When I got home from work Master gave me a big hug , which made me feel even better . My hands have been bothering me though . I have the ability to type up to 70wpm and that has been put to the test quite a bit lately . But when I do that almost non - stop for 8 + hours a day it starts to hurt . My wrist , my knuckles , my finger tips . I think my fibromyalgia plays into that a little bit , but I 'm not 100 % sure on that . Master and I had bought a video game called Injustice about two weeks ago . Somewhere around there anyway . We were both really excited about it because we both like to play fighters and talk trash while we do so . And there it was . A fighter game having based on DC comic book characters . I couldn 't wait to play Catwoman . So we went out and bought it at full price , which we almost never do . We are more likely to wait for it to go down in price , but we decided fuck it let 's go for it . That , apparently , was a bad idea . It had already gotten to the point where I didn 't want to play anymore . The difficulty levels are completely out of whack . Easy is too easy and normal is like hard mode . What the shit ? And so many of the characters were cheap as hell . Needless to say we were highly disappointed . So today , we were hemming and hawing over what to do about it . Eventually we decided we should just go ahead and trade the damn thing in . No use in having it in the apartment if we 're not going to play it , ya know ? We were surprised at how little we got in trade in though . It was a $ 60 game and two weeks later we only got $ 25 in trade in . * sigh * So we browse a bit and we found two games we wanted . One is Soul Calibur 5 , which we both play and are good at . And we can create our own characters which is awesome . The only one I don 't play but I love watching Master play it so that 's cool too . And we still had store credit left over , almost $ 10 work actually . So they put that on a gift card for us and out the door we went . Now Master is installing the games on His hard drive and we plan on dicking around with the fighter later on tonight . I hope He lets me stay up so we can nerd out to it . I missed playing Soul Calibur games . And the fifth one is pretty cool . Master and I got kind of frisky last night . But we were also rather chill about it . We had both been hinting at fucking for a good couple of hours . Well , while we were watching an episode of a show we 've been watching I just looked over at Him and said , " So , after this episode you want to go fuck ? " * laughs * Yeah , nice seduction method right ? But that 's one of the great things about being together for so long . You don 't have to worry about trying to seduce one another . I mean , it 's nice sometimes . . . But if you just feel like fucking you can just cut past all that shit and say , " Do you wanna go fool around ? " Master had me put on lingerie after my shower , but once we got back to the bedroom He told me to take it off . Normally He 'll have me keep my lingerie on while we fuck but this particular item just kind of gets in the way . He loves it though . The sex was amazing . Master was talking dirty to me and eventually just used me as His sex toy . Is it just me , or is just being used more of a turn on than being able to orgasm sometimes ? For me it can be . I love being allowed to get off , don 't get me wrong , but sometimes it 's hotter to me to be used . I think it 's a mental thing . He doesn 't care whether or not I 'm close to orgasm . I had damn well better make sure I don 't . And yet , I 'm not allowed to move . So I can 't even shift my weight or slightly change the angle He 's hitting me at . Sometimes that can help hold it off more . But since He doesn 't allow me to move unless He grabs my limb and forces me to move it or He simply tells me to . And I had better do it exactly when He tells me to and then hold still once again . Afterwards we cuddled a little bit before going back to the living room for a couple of hours . It was about 3 : 30am when we finally went to bed to get some sleep . Now , it 's Sunday and I can 't stay up that late again , as much as I want to . I pretty much did fuck all today . It was my day to take the dog outside all day , but aside from that I only left the apartment in order to go pick up my anti - crazy pills prescription . Master has allowed me to pretty much just laze about . We 've been watching Netflix all day . A couple of TV shows here , a movie or two there . . . We also exchanged back rubs , which was nice . This morning I got up when the dog woke me at 7 : 30am . I stayed up for about an hour and a half before deciding , fuck it , I 'm going to try and get some more sleep . Master was still asleep . Weekends are the days where if we have no where to be , we sleep in rather late . We don 't get a lot of sleep during the work week . I didn 't wake back up until almost noon . I wasn 't expecting to sleep that late . I thought I would doze off for about an hour and then get up . I guess my body had other plans . Master woke up about the same time I did . I guess He was just as tired as I was . I really love sleeping in but sleeping the whole day away kind of sucks . Not so much on Saturdays , because I can stay up as late as I want to . But on Sundays it is nice because I don 't have to get up to an alarm or anything along those lines , but then it 's like I have no time left to enjoy before I have to turn around and go back to bed so I can go to work the next day . I honestly have no idea why the hell I 'm rambling on and on about sleep . Probably because I have no idea what to post about and sleep has been on my mind all week since I 've been getting so little of it . No comments : Well , I can 't really say that . I was worn out . I was physically tired . But mentally for whatever reason I was wide awake . My brain didn 't want to shut down and yet there was nothing spinning around in there . Normally when my mind won 't shut down it 's because I have thoughts , worries , stresses , etc . stuck on loop inside my head . That wasn 't the case last night . It was just not wanting to fucking shut down and allow me to sleep . I don 't think I actually fell asleep until almost 2am and even then it was more of that in and out of sleep feeling . I wouldn 't fully drift off , but I wasn 't fully awake either . Regardless of the fact that I didn 't get much sleep at all , I woke up full before my damn alarm even went off . As a result , I have been really foggy all day . I was fine to drive , obviously , and I did my job without a problem . But in general I just feel foggy headed and spaced the hell out . It 's almost as if I can 't fully concentrate unless it was on work . If I know I have a task that I must complete I can be very focused when I 'm like this , but if I have nothing that I absolutely have to do I can 't focus at all . But at least this night has been , for the most part , relaxing . Master and I are enjoying one of my favorite shows on Netflix and I know I don 't have to do a damn thing tomorrow , which makes me happy . After a week like this I need to have a day of nothing at all . I know that I am not the most personable individual in the world . In fact , nine times out of ten I just still to myself in a social situation . The only two exceptions to that are when it 's a group of my family ( in - laws included of course . . they are my family ) or if I am somewhere with Master or a family member . I 've always been like that . When I was going to school ( elementary , jr . high , etc . ) I had a clique of friends but that was it . I stuck with that small group of people . But because of how I am , I take my family very seriously . I try to be the best relative I can be basically . If you are one of my close family members , I 'll basically do anything I possibly can for you . The only people on my side of the family that I would put in that " close " family member list would be my father , my mother , my brother and my grandfather . Everyone else ? That 's pretty much when it 's a case by case basis . With Master 's family I take His queue . How I would normally react in a situation may not be how it works in His family . Everyone 's family is different , and the last thing I want to do is step over the line without meaning to . As far as Master goes , I think that 's rather obvious . I would do anything for Him . I try to be the best wife I possibly can be . I may not always pull it off , but that 's what I try to do . I try to be the best wife , best daughter , and best sister . I 'll go out of my way to help any of the people listed above . It 's just how I am . A good example happened tonight actually . My dad called trying to figure out something with his account so he can get together the money for the car he 'll be going to pick up soon . He doesn 't have a computer so he was calling me asking me for phone numbers and then calling me back to ask a question or two . He did apologize about all the phone calls . It was slightly irritating at first , but I know that this is very important to him and so I wanted to do anything I could to help him out . Thankfully we figured it all out and he was really happy and grateful . It 's kind of funny though because my brother lives 15 minutes from him , while I am 45 minutes away . He always calls me if he needs something . It 's not that my brother wouldn 't help him or anything . My brother would help in a heart beat . But my dad comes to me first . I don 't know if it 's because I 'm the older one or what . . maybe because I 'm more patient ? Maybe I just explain things better . I have no idea . But it makes me smile in an odd way . It shows that my family trusts me and feel that they can come to me with anything . No comments :
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Edward , a teacher , moves to Forks and meets Isabella Swan , a senior in his class . Although he 's sworn off relationships altogether ; he ends up in a relationship with Bella . Both keeping secrets from one another , will they be able to untangle the web ? All told in Edward 's POV . - Edward / Bella I had my car packed to the brim . I left everything else for her ; she could have the house and all of its contents . I couldn 't care less about all that stuff we have accumulated over the years . I just knew if I didn 't go , I never would . I didn 't know where I was going or where I would end up ; I just knew I couldn 't stay there anymore . I was leaving my wife of four years . Our life together hadn 't gone as I 'd planned . She wanted kids and I didn 't . She kept begging me and begging me , but , I just didn 't feel right about it . We 'd been " forced " to get married , so to speak . Our families had known each other since the two of us were in diapers , so we were expected to get married and have a family . However , I didn 't want a family with her just yet . I 'd been on the road for a while . However , I saw a sign for Forks , Washington , and for some reason , I was being drawn there . So I exited the highway and headed toward there . I went another twenty miles and arrived in downtown Seattle . I drove a while longer and hit the city limit of Forks . I pulled into a parking spot in a café . I walked in the door to find a table . Once I sat down , I grabbed a paper that someone had left . The waitress came up to me and asked , " So , what can I get for you ? " I looked up and saw she had blonde hair and blue eyes . She looked like she didn 't belong here , working in this café . I read her name tag : Rose . She nodded and left as I pondered over the newspaper . Hmm , this was interesting . I saw a position open for Temporary Sub English teacher at Eclipse High School . I read the phone number off the paper and dialed it in my phone . " Edward . Edward Cullen . I have a teaching degree in English ; I graduated about five years ago from University of Berkley , " I said to the principal . " Actually , it looks like I will be staying in town for a while . Do you know of a place I can stay ? Perhaps a house for rent ? Or maybe a room ? " I asked her . " Sure , as of matter of fact . My husband runs a B & B , and he may have a room available . By the way , I get off in a thirty minutes ; I could take you there myself if you like . I need a ride anyway because my car is being worked on , so I could just ride with you that way . If you don 't mind , that is , " she rattled all of this in one breath , it was impressive I walked out of the café and went to the local Wal - Mart . I grabbed a few necessities , plus I needed to use their bathroom . I looked in the mirror and noticed I had a five o ' clock shadow . I did look a little rugged but still looked good . Back home , women constantly flirted with me , and Tanya hated that . However , I didn 't have to worry about that anymore ; I even left my wedding band for her on the dresser . But Forks was my home now . I looked at my watch and noticed it was about that time Rose would be off , so I drove back to the café , and true to her word she was waiting for me . I got out of the car and opened the door for her . She slid in , and I got back in the car . My mom and dad lived in San Francisco . They 'd lived there for a while . Mom was an interior decorator while my dad was a doctor . He thought I would follow in his footsteps , but I didn 't have the stomach for medicine . We went in the direction he 'd indicated , and he opened the door . It was a quaint room with soft blue walls . It had a white comforter on the bed and there was an antique dresser against the opposite wall . " Sorry ; we don 't have much closet space , but here it is . " He pointed it out to me . I opened the door ; it was small but it would take all my stuff . " Sounds good , " I said to him . I thanked them both and headed out to my car to get my stuff . I settled in and went down stairs to eat lunch . Then I took a nap and just took a tour of the rest of the town . Actually this was a little town outside of Port Angeles called Forks . I went for my interview Monday morning . We talked for quite a while . Her husband , Charlie Swan , was the Chief of Police here in Forks . Her daughter , Isabella Swan , attends school ; it 's her last year , Renee said to me . " Thank you , Mrs . Swan , " I said back to her . Then she showed me around the school and took me to my classroom . It was empty for the moment , and that 's when she told me when I would have my free period : right after lunch . I thanked her again and left . I was to report back the next day at eight A . M . to get started . I headed back to the bed and breakfast where I was staying . Mr . McCarty and I talked for a while . He told me about his relationship with Rose . They had been married a couple of years and planned to have children , but they wanted to save up money to by a house first . He then asked , I smiled and said , " Nope , no girlfriends . I just needed something new and different , that 's all . " I looked down at my ring finger , the one that had the gold band . By now , the whiteness of where it had been was gone . I was kind of glad , too . Not that I wanted to hide anything , I just wasn 't ready to hash everything out about my failed marriage to Tanya . Not just yet , anyway . " Yeah , I guess . Listen , I 'd better go and get ready for tomorrow . See ya later , Emmett . " I certainly wasn 't looking for a girlfriend right now . Nope , no women at all . Well , I take that back . No serious relationships , that is . I got my clothes ready for the next day , then I showered and just relaxed on the bed with a good book . Before I knew , it my alarm went off . I 'd set it to go off at six A . M . I was ready to go within thirty minutes . I got dressed , ate breakfast , grabbed my briefcase , and headed off toward the high school . " Good morning , Mr . Cullen . How are you doing today ? " Ms . Stanley asked me in a flirty tone . She looked me up and down and batted her eyelashes at me . She was kind of pretty . She had long brown hair , hazel eyes , and a slender build . " Oh , I 'm good . Hey , I was wondering : I have my lunch break the same time you do , so would you like to join me ? I usually sit in the teachers ' lounge . " Yeah , I know I already have a lunch date , but it was harmless , right ? Well , that 's what I told myself , at least . I found my room and went in . I put my case on my desk and started pulling out the attendance folder of my students . Then I wrote my name on the chalkboard and went through the lesson plan . As of now , they were supposed to be learning Shakespeare . Romeo and Juliet to be precise . Oh , goody , my favorite ! Not ! But , oh well ; that 's what was on the curriculum . Soon I had my first and second period . My classes were going pretty well . I would introduce myself as Mr . Cullen and told them how long I had been teaching . I saw some of the girls giggling and laughing in the back of the room . I think their names were Leah and Lauren . My lunch time came really quickly , and I met up with Jessica . She grew up here in Forks , went to college , and got her business degree . When they were hiring for a secretary , she went for it and got the position . She 's twenty - three years . Her ex - boyfriend , Mike , was the assistant football coach here . They recently broke up because he said it was getting " way too serious . " I knew the feeling . I thanked her for lunch and went back to my room . Once I got back , I started preparing for the next day . Before I knew it , the bell rang and it was time for my fifth period class . I saw Isabella Swan 's name on my roster , and I knew that was Renee 's daughter . So , she was in my class . All the students started coming in . Some girls walked in giggling just as the tardy bell rang . When I looked up , I saw one who had short , spiky black hair . She was petite and small . I gasped when I saw the other girl . She had brown hair and chocolate brown eyes to die for . She had a pale complexion but a very pretty face . Her lips were a rosy pink . My cock stirred up just looking at her . I heard the black haired girl whisper to her brunette friend , " Wow , he 's gorgeous ! I wonder if he 's married ? " If she only knew . Once I got to the B 's , I called out Alice Brandon . She said " here " and held up her hand . I looked up and it was the girl with black hair . I called the rest one by one until I got to the name Isabella Swan . When I called out her name , she held her hand up . When I saw who it was , my cock stirred up again . The same girl who was almost late . The one whom I literally gawked at earlier . The principal 's daughter . Shit ! This could only happen to me ! So , I started class and went over the book with them . I had them read certain quotes from the play . I had Isabella Swan to read Juliet 's part . As she read , I continued looking at her . Her voice was so soft and sweet ; it was lovely . I got harder just hearing her . Shit ! This isn 't good at all , I said to myself . " I just prefer Bella , if that 's okay with you , Mr . Cullen . " Usually I hated the sound of " Mr . " but coming from her it sounded … erotic . Get a grip Edward ; she 's your student ! " Um … well … you see , our old teacher kind of tutored me . You see , I 'm writing this paper for a scholarship contest , and she was helping me . So , I was wondering if you would help me ? " she asked shyly . Oh Jesus ! Me spend time alone with her , after school . Helping her with her paper . I couldn 't say no because it was for a scholarship contest , so I agreed . She walked out , and her friend said to her , " See I told you he would . How lucky are you ! " I just shook my head . Teenage girls ! Damn , that girl was so … beautiful . The way she spoke my name , the way she talked so quietly . Damn , I had an ache in my groin already . Not only was she my student , but she was also the principal 's daughter ! " Damn it ! " I said out loud . " Hello , Isabella … I mean Bella . Have a seat , and we 'll get started , " I told her as she took the seat in front of my desk . I gave her some pointers on why she should get the scholarship like suggesting her grades and she 's involved in extra curricular activities . I showed her how to write them out on her paper . She wrote something down and showed it to me . " No , sorry . Here , let me show you , " I said to her , getting up from my desk . I walked up beside her and leaned in . I took her pencil and wrote down what she needed in the right spot . I was so near her I could smell her perfume . It smelled good . It was nice . As I leaned down farther , I heard her breathing hitch just a little . She turned to look at me , and my face was so near hers . All it would take was one movement and my mouth would be on hers . She whispered back , Damn , seriously ? Fuck , the scent was driving me crazy . And the way she called me " sir . " I pulled back from her and said , " Hmm , well you smell good . " She smiled back at me . We just stared at each other for a moment until her cell phone rang , breaking our moment . It must have been her ride . " Sure , no problem , Bella . See you tomorrow , " I said as she walked out . I saw the clock on the wall . Well , it 's too late to eat at the B & B , I thought . So we went and had dinner at the café . She was a nice girl , and we had fun talking . She asked about where I was from and I told her . However , I still didn 't talk about Tanya . Once dinner was over , I drove her back to the school to get her car . I got out and walked her to her car door . " Thanks for asking , Jessica . See you tomorrow . " I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek . I think she thought I was going to go for her lips . She blushed and got in her car and drove off . Once I arrived at the B & B , I had a quick beer with Emmett and then sacked out . The next day went by pretty quickly . I decided to have lunch in my room . I grabbed a sandwich on the way in . It was finally my fifth period for the day . I saw Alice and Bella walk into the classroom . When I saw Bella , my breath hitched . What the fuck was she wearing ? Damn ! My cock was up and harder than ever . She wore a tight blue shirt gathered around her waist that showed off her curves . Underneath was a black mini skirt , and her hair was in soft curls flowing around her face . Fuck ! What the hell was she trying to do to me ? I tried to focus on the lesson , but every time I looked at her , she had her pen in her mouth and was sucking on the tip . Oh , how I wanted a certain part of my anatomy in her mouth ! Wait what was I saying ? Her eyes were focused on me as I tried to explain why Romeo was going to die for the one he loved . Finally the bell rang , and I told the class to answer the questions that were on the handout on the corner of my desk . Before I knew it , the day was over again . I was expecting Bella to come in and work some more on her paper . She came in silently , but I saw her . She sat down at the desk in front of me like she always did . However , as soon as she set her books down , her pen slid out from her hand and fell to the floor . She bent to pick it up and hot damn ! I saw the blue lace panties she was wearing . The same color as her shirt ! She sat down and crossed her legs and began writing her paper . We hadn 't even said a word to each other yet . I just kept staring at her , and she put that damn pen in her mouth again . " Oh really ? You have no fucking idea what I 'm talking about ? Hmm . Well , let me fill you in . I think you 're trying to drive me crazy . I heard your breath hitch yesterday as I was leaning in close to you , when I complimented you on your perfume . However , you informed me you weren 't wearing any , but I still smell the freesia on you . Now you come to school today , wearing that shirt and skirt and looking at me with those lusty eyes of yours . Am I close , Ms . Swan ? " " Bella , need I remind you I am your teacher ? I am older than you . By the way , how old are you , anyway ? " I asked her . " Oh really ? So next month , huh ? Well , Ms . Swan , until then you need to behave yourself , " I said in a gravelly voice to her . " Let 's just say that my fantasy of doing it on the desk may come sooner than I thought , Ms . Swan . " I backed away from her and told her , " Now get back to work before I lean you over my desk and spank you for being a bad student . " My voice was stern . She worked quietly the rest of the time . " Well , Emmett McCarty is having a dinner tomorrow evening at the bed and breakfast . I 'm his cousin , so I 'm expected there , but I don 't have a date . Since you 're staying there , I was wondering . . . " her voice trailed off . She wanted me to be her date . " Sure , I 'd love to Jessica . Thanks for asking , " I said and saw Bella looking at me coldly . However , I just ignored her and looked back at Jessica . " Okay ; thank you Edward ! You won 't regret it ! " she said excitedly and gave me a kiss on my lips . I was surprised and speechless . Before I had time to pull away she backed off and said , " So , I 'll see you there tomorrow . " " Tomorrow , " I told her . She walked out , and I looked back at Bella . It was obvious from her expression that she wasn 't too happy with my going out with Jessica . " Why ? Should I be ? I mean you and I are both single and can date other people , right ? We have no claim to each other . As matter of fact , I 'll be there to with my date as well , " she stated to me matter - of - factly . " Yeah . You see , Emmett is a family friend . Well , we all know each other , Forks being a small town and all . Jake - a friend of his - is , well , my . . . " " Oh , he wishes , but he 's just a friend . But you never know what could happen . Anyway , we 'll be there together , " she said to me . " Well , I better get going . " She gathered her stuff and came up to my desk . She leaned in more so I could see her blue lacey bra , too . She lowered her voice and said , " I agree , Mr . Cullen . Tomorrow night will make for an interesting evening . " Then she walked out , leaving me speechless . How did she do that ? I noticed it was getting late , so I packed my things and got ready to get back to my room at the B & B . I drove to the B & B and was thinking about Bella . Why was I letting her get to me ? I mean , I was twenty seven years old and she was seventeen . She was also my student , and her mom is the principal . Plus her dad is the Chief of Police . Plus , I was still married … But yet , I haven 't gotten laid in , well , six months ! I really didn 't want to sleep with Jessica , but there was no way in hell I would bed Bella . I 'd have to be crazy ! Ugh ! I ran my hands through my hair . I walked into the B & B and went straight to my room . The next day went rather quickly . Bella and I just kept looking at each other , but we didn 't say a word . We skipped our after school session because of the dinner party . I showered , shaved , and dressed . I decided to wear some dressy slacks with a black button up shirt . I was told black brought out my green eyes . I heard commotion downstairs , so I joined them . Jessica came up to me and kissed me on the cheek . She stood beside me as Renee introduced me to her husband , Charlie . Speaking of , she walked in the door with a young tan guy . Jake , as she called him . They were holding hands . Her eyes met mine , and they walked over to where Jessica and I were standing . I took a swig of my beer as I kept staring at her . Hmm , well , two could play that game . So I put my arm around Jessica and leaned into her ear . I whispered to her , " You look really cute in that outfit ! " We all finally sat down at the table , and they started the appetizers first . Bella sat right across from me , and Jake was sitting next to her ; Jessica sat next to me . Emmett and Charlie asked me questions about my life and where I was from I told them . But no , I didn 't bring up Tanya at all . Then I felt someone 's foot going up my leg . I looked down and saw it was Bella 's . She made it up my crotch while she talked to Jake . She managed to get some looks at me and smiled . Fuck , I was getting harder and harder as she massaged my balls . At first I couldn 't find my voice , but I finally croaked out , " Fine . It 's just a little warm in here , that 's all . " I drank some cool water to try and cool down , but it wasn 't working ; Bella kept caressing my dick with her foot . Then she started eating her lasagna and moaned at every bite . She finally stopped and took her foot away . Then she got up and left the table , kissing Jake on his cheek . Yeah , I was jealous - and fucking hard , too . She was gone for a while , so I got up and went to look for the restroom downstairs . However , I saw her coming out and hid around the corner . As she got closer , I grabbed her from behind , put my hand on her mouth , and pinned her to the wall in the dark living room area . My face was so close to hers as her wide eyes looked at me . I couldn 't take it anymore , and my lips found hers . I pressed my body to hers as I commanded the kiss . It was hard at first then turned frantic . I knew she could feel my erection poking her in the stomach . I grabbed her hair and kept my mouth on hers . She moaned into the kiss . " Oh , baby girl , I just love it when you call me that ! " My lips found hers again as we moved to more secluded location . I had her in the living room . I pushed her down until she was lying on the couch . My body was covering hers as we started trying to get closer and closer to each other . I hiked up her skirt and slid her thong aside , feeling with my fingers how wet she was for me . " Fuck ! You 're so wet for me , aren 't you , Bella ? Tell me you want me , " I commanded her . My finger was playing with her wet slit . Then I said back to her gravelly , " That 's Mr . Cullen to you , Bella . Say it ! Say you want me using my name like that . Say it ! " " Bella , are you out here ? Where are you ? " he asked and went back into the kitchen area . We were hidden in the dark in the living room . I slid my fingers out of her pussy and told her , " Well , Bella , you were a very bad girl ! However , I will have to talk to you later . Get yourself straightened out and go to him . But we both know who can make you cum hard , don 't we ? " I asked her looking at her with lust in my eyes . I got her off , and next time it was my turn . And she would pay ! Dearly . She looked at me , stunned . I think I surprised her by making her cum with everyone in the next room . I had a big smile on my face as I went back into the room to be with Jessica . She asked me , " Where have you been ? You missed dessert ! " Hmm , that 's what she thinks . Bella just walked in with Jake . Her eyes met mine as her hand went straight to her mouth , feeling where I had kissed her moments ago . Well , we did more than that . However she replied back , " Jake not tonight , okay ? I 'm pretty tired . I think it 's best you take me home , okay ? " She finally looked at him . Jessica came up to me and said , " Edward , I need to go . I had fun tonight , though . We 'll have to do this again soon . " She leaned up and kissed me on the lips . She grabbed my neck to keep me in the kiss longer . Then she broke away panting . After I got in my room , I tore my clothes off and started thinking about Bella as I jacked off . Her kisses , her looks drove me wild . I took my palm and licked it and palmed my shaft again . This time I was thinking about her wet pussy that clenched down on my fingers as I pumped them into her . She came hard as my mouth went on hers and I said her name as I came , " Bella . . . " Soon I feel asleep . The next morning I woke up feeling really good . I didn 't get laid , but I did jack off thinking about Bella . I didn 't see her in school today . So I asked her friend Alice if she was sick and that I was worried about her . She gave me Bella 's cell phone number . " It 's almost third period . Are you not feeling well ? I got your number through your friend Alice . It was a little too easy to get it though I gave her an excuse that I was worried about you . " " Oh , really ? Well , I guess I 'll just have to make sure that your body trembles again like you did last night when I made you cum ! " I said back to her in a low , seductive tone . " I 'll be waiting , Ms . Swan . " I hung up and smiled . Last night 's activities must have worn her out . She implied that she and Jake had done something … well I 'd just see about that . I saw her finally come to school ; she made it just in time before she 'd be considered absent for the whole day . She barely looked at me . She was dressed in sweats , but she still looked adorable . School went by pretty fast , and I was waiting for her to come in and work on her paper . She never showed up . So I took it upon myself to call her again , but she didn 't answer . What the hell was going on , anyway ? I went to her house to see if she was home . I knocked and knocked on her door ; no answer . Something was going on with her and I was going to find out what . So , I left and went back to the B & B where Emmett was . I saw him sitting in his office , so I approached him . Bella had told me that he was friends with her family , so I went in there to talk to him . He was on the phone , and he held his hand up to acknowledge me . Finally he hung up his phone and said , " Hey , Edward . What 's up ? " " Well , I 'm kind of worried about her . She usually comes to see me after school because I 'm helping her with a paper for a scholarship . Since I 'm her English teacher , she asked for my help because the other teacher - who left - was helping her . " He looked at me quizzically as I finished talking . " What ? What do you mean she isn 't on a scholarship program ? Why would she come to me for help if she wasn 't ? " I didn 't understand . " Well , you know her mom is the principal at the school , right ? They have a college fund for her already . She doesn 't need a scholarship . " Hmm well that was certainly interesting . Well , tomorrow was Friday , so I 'd see her in class then . I 'll put on her paper that I need to see her after class . " Okay . Well , that 's weird . I 've been helping her all week after school . I was just worried when she didn 't show up today , " I said to Emmett . " Well , I 'm sure everything 's fine . She hangs out with Jake and Alice a lot , so they 're probably together right now . You see , Alice is going out with Jake 's cousin , Seth , and Bella and Jake have been dating for two years . So they 're a pretty inseparable bunch , " he stated to me . " I wouldn 't worry too much . She 'll be fine . I got to get back to my work here , Edward . I 'll talk to you later . " Hmm , well things were certainly very interesting . She told me she and Jake weren 't together , and yet Emmett says they are . I went back to my room and got a phone book out to call a lawyer . I scheduled a meeting with Alec . It was time to file for divorce from Tanya . I graded my papers , went to eat in the dining room , and came back to get ready for bed . The next morning , I got up , dressed , and left for school . The day went well . Jessica stopped by to say hello and ask me to have lunch with her tomorrow . I declined , saying I had something planned . She nodded and left my classroom . Fifth period finally arrived , and I saw Alice and Bella walk in together . They were smiling and laughing as they entered . I looked up at Bella and stared at her . Actually , it was more of a glare . Her smile faded as she looked at me . She could tell I wasn 't happy with her . I started class and asked the students questions . Bella raised her hand a couple of times , but I never acknowledged her . I handed out their papers and saw Bella read the note I 'd left for her . " I don 't know , Ms . Swan . Why don 't you tell me ? When you didn 't show up yesterday after school to work on your paper , I called you and you didn 't answer . Then I went by your house , and you weren 't home . So I went back to the B & B where I 'm staying , and I had an interesting conversation with Emmett about you , " I stated to her coldly . " I was worried about you . " I sat back in my chair , looked her straight in the face , and said , " So I wanted to make sure you were okay . But Emmett told me you would probably be with your boyfriend , so I shouldn 't worry . " When I said " boyfriend , " her face went from a smile to a frown immediately . Then I said , " He also informed me that you 're not on a scholarship program for college ; in fact , your mom and dad have your college fund ready for you . " My voice was sterner , and there was no hint of friendliness at all . " Oh ! " she said because she knew I 'd caught her in a lie . We just looked at each other for a minute . Then she said quietly to me , " I - I 'm sorry I lied to you , Edward . That wasn 't right of me . " My voice still rough I asked her , " So , you admit that you did , in fact , lie to me about a couple of things . First the scholarship thing and also about Jake not being your boyfriend , " I said , getting up from my chair . I went to my door and shut and locked it . I turned toward her , and she gulped . I started walking toward her and said , " You know , Bella , there is a few things I need to point out . " She walked backwards , and I kept walking toward her . " I don 't like it when people lie to me , " I continued , looking at her as if she was my prey . Tanya had tried and tried to deceive me but that hadn 't worked , either ; I caught on quick . Her back finally hit the wall ; however , she just stared straight at me , her eyes wide open . I was approaching her slowly . " I don 't like deceivers either , Ms . Swan , especially when that person lies to my face by not telling the truth about relationships they may or may not have . " I was close to her now . I planted my hands on either side of her against the wall . " Do you catch my drift , Isabella ? " My warm breath hit her face . I was so close to her that I could count her lashes . " So , how should I handle the situation , Bella ? Remember what I told you last night : you owe me . I got you off ; I made you cum . Tell me : has Jake ever made your body tremble ? Has he ever made your breath hitch when he gets as close to you as I am ? I don 't think he has , at least not they way I do . Does he make her pulse race , Bella ? Or is it just me ? " I said to her . " Ms . Swan , you will answer me , is that clear ? I am Mr . Cullen in the classroom . And what I want is for you to tell me why you fucking lied to me . " " I didn 't mean to . Jake and I broke up a week before you came here . We just got back together that morning . But when I saw you and . . . " her voice trailed off . " You were so handsome , and I liked you . I asked Alice for help on how to get you , and she helped me out . She doesn 't really like me with Jake , so that 's why she helped , " she said quietly . " Huh - huh ? Hmm . Well , well , we 're getting somewhere now , aren 't we ? So , you want a man , huh ? Not a little boy like Jake , is that it ? Oh , but be careful what the fuck you wish for , Isabella . You have two more weeks until your birthday , and until then , I will not take you against my desk the way I want you . However , there are other ways I can I can teach you a lesson . " I still had her against the wall . I pushed more into her body . " Do you feel that , Isabella ? That 's what you do to me . And let me just say : I am pure man . There 's nothing little about me . " My lips then slammed on hers , demanding . I had her face in the palms of my hands , I held her face still so I could devour her lips . She finally gave in and slumped against me , her lips giving into mine . Her tongue slid into my mouth , making me moan and want her more , if that was possible . Finally , we pulled away from each other , both panting and looking into each other 's eyes . " Edward , I 'm so sorry I lied to you . I 'm sorry I didn 't tell you the truth about mine and Jake 's relationship . I just wanted . . . " her voice trailed off as she looked into my eyes . " I know what you wanted , Bella ; you wanted to be with me . But , Bella , there is something I need to tell you . I should have told you from the beginning . I 'm m - " " Edward ? Edward , are you in there ? " It was Jessica . Bella and I were out of sight of the door , but I knew her voice . " I know you have to deal with your girlfriend , " she said to me . " That 's what you needed to tell me . Your going out with Jessica , right ? " she asked . " It 's not what you think , Bella . She isn 't my girlfriend at all . We 've only gone out a couple of times since I moved here . It 's complicated , " I said to her . " Oh , Bella , it 's more than an age issue with me . I mean , you 're one of my students , for God sakes ! I could get arrested for even attempting a relationship with you . Bella , do you know how much it kills me to even think about you being with Jake ? It burns me alive even thinking of you and him together . When Emmett told me about you and him , I was jealous . And yet I had no right to be . " I sighed . I was leaning against the wall in my classroom and I leaned my head back on the wall . " I have feelings for you , too , Edward , " she confessed to me . I looked at my wall clock and noticed it was four o ' clock . Wow , I didn 't realize how late it was ! " Look , Bella , it 's getting late and I have something I need to do tomorrow . I 'll take you home , and we can talk later . How about I pick you up , and we go out for dinner ? We could go to Port Angeles for the evening and talk . " The next day was Saturday , and I went to Port Angeles for lunch . I met with a lawyer to get my divorce going . He said that Tanya would receive the papers by Monday . I went out hunting for a new place . I saw a house for rent just outside the Port Angeles area . I stopped and got the phone number . The owner met me at the house . I took a look around and decided to rent it . It was already furnished , so I didn 't have to buy any furniture . I called Bella and told her about my new living arrangements and decided for us to have dinner at my new house . I went to the B & B and picked up my stuff . I thanked Emmett for the room , and we said our goodbyes , but he told me to come by anytime to chat or just have a beer with him . I contacted my lawyer to give him my new address . I unpacked my things and made a frozen pizza for Bella and me . As soon as I popped it in the oven , she drove up . I greeted her at the door . " Hey , you , " she said as she walked past me through the front door . " Hey , wow , I like the new place . It 's cute . " We just stood there looking at each other . I tried to stay away from her , but something kept pulling me toward her . I walked up to her ; she just looked at me . As soon as my hands were on her face , her breathing hitched . " Bella . . . " I said , and then my lips found hers . God , it felt so good kissing her . I slid my tongue in her mouth and she moaned . Just as we were getting into it , the timer went off for the pizza . I backed away , breathless , and said to her , " Great timing , huh ? " I went to the oven and pulled it out and cut the slices . " Here 's some soda if you want some , " I told her , pouring her a glass . She took it and the pizza . We ate the pizza and just laughed at each other as the cheese got stuck on our chins . We drank the sodas and talked about her family . She was an only child . She 'd never been out of Forks besides Seattle and was looking forward to college . After we ate , we went to the living room and talked some more . She told me about her relationship with Jake . He has been a family friend for years and they just have started dating a couple of years ago . He started asking her for sex , but she wasn 't ready . They 'd just recently gotten back together when I moved here . " Honestly ? I just feel sisterly love for him . I don 't feel romantically toward him anymore , " she answered , looking into my eyes . We were getting closer and closer to each other . Our faces were so close we could feel our warm breaths on each other 's faces . " Terrified . " My lips were on hers again . We were both buzzing from the electricity that flowed between us . As our lips tasted each other , she climbed onto my lap , straddling me . My cock was hard and hitting her center through her shorts . My hands ran up and down her back , just feeling her . I could feel the wetness coming through the thin material . She started bucking against me as I bucked against her . I lifted up her shirt and threw it on the floor . I palmed her breasts , which were covered in a lacy red bra . She arched her back to me , shoving her chest into my face . Her head fell back , and she called out my name in desire . " Oh , Bella ! " The next thing I knew , I had her laying down on the couch , my body covering hers . We had stripped each other 's clothes off except for our underwear . I was kissing and nipping at her neck . " God , you 're so beautiful ! " My lips claimed hers again , more demanding than before . I ran my hands all through her hair , clutching it . I slid my fingers underneath her panties into her wet pussy . I rubbed on her swollen clit until she gasped , crying out my name ; she came hard on my fingers . Then she flipped us over , and I was flat against the couch . She took my cock out of my boxers and started rubbing up and down my shaft . It was already wet with pre - cum . She then slid her body down and licked my pre - cum off . Before I knew it , she stuck my whole cock in her mouth , sucking on it like it was her personal lollipop ! " Oh , shit , Bella ! " I bucked into her mouth , and she took it . I thrust my whole cock in her mouth , hitting her throat , but she took it ! She sucked more on it like she was a vacuum . My body was trembling and sweating from desire . " Fuck ! I 'm cumming , Bella ! " I bellowed out and my orgasm hit hard ! Oh , my god , that was so incredible . Tanya had never done anything like that before ; in fact , this was my first time ever for a blow job . I relaxed from my orgasm and looked up at Bella , who was smiling at me . " Jesus , that was incredible ! " I said to her . " Come here , baby girl . " I laid her head on my chest and just relaxed with her . I knew she would have to leave soon , but I didn 't want her to go . I knew I needed to tell her about Tanya , that I was married . But that I was getting a divorce . Just then her cell phone rang . " Hey , Jake . What 's up ? No . I 'll be home soon . Okay I will . Bye . " She looked at me and said , " Um , I have to go . He said my dad was looking for me and wanted me home . " She started gathering her clothes . " Okay , well , I guess I 'll see you Monday at school . What are you going to about you and Jake ? " I asked trying not to sound like a jealous boyfriend since I wasn 't her boyfriend . We hadn 't even established that yet . " Well , first I 'll need to tell Jessica that I won 't be seeing her anymore . If that 's okay with you , I mean . I know you 're turning eighteen in a couple of weeks , but we still have to keep it on the down low at least until after you graduate . " " See ya Monday , " she said back , walking to her truck . I stood outside the door until she backed out . Then she waved bye to me . " How in the hell am I going to do this ? How ? " I asked myself . God , I would fall in love with my student , wouldn 't I ? Wait ; did I just say I was in love with her ? Ugh ! I slammed down against the couch again . God , I was in so much trouble ! Sunday came , and I was sitting around the house . I watched some TV and drank some beer . However , all I could think about was Bella . I wanted to hear her voice . It had only been twelve hours since I 'd seen her last , but I missed her already . " This is nuts ! " I said to myself . I grabbed my cell and called her number . It rang four times then went to voice mail . I didn 't bother leaving a message . Ugh ! This was pure agony . I couldn 't handle it anymore , so I went for a drive . I had to clear my head . I went through the gears fast getting up to a speed I wanted at . I drove around just taking in the city , although it wasn 't much of one . I drove until I hit Port Angeles . I just drove down some streets , taking it all in . I saw some dress shops , little restaurants , and a little pool hall called Rusty 's . I went down one street and saw an Italian restaurant called Bella 's Italian Inn . I drove slowly through the lot , noticing a big fountain . That 's when I saw her emerge from the restaurant with her friend Alice in tow . Then I saw Jake emerged from the restaurant . He had his arm draped over her shoulder , and they were laughing and smiling . Then I saw Jake bring her closer to him as they kissed . What the hell ? I thought she was going to break up with him to be with me . I knew we couldn 't be exclusive , but it still drove me crazy knowing she was lying to me yet again . I watched as they walked to Jake 's car . I grabbed my cell and called Bella again . This time it went straight to voice mail . I slammed my phone down again in the passenger seat . I floored my gas pedal and went through my gears like they were nothing . I slammed my fists on the steering wheel . I was livid . Why was she lying to me ? I just didn 't get it ! I drove back to my house and got out of the car , slamming the door . As I got to the front door , I saw Jessica pull up in my driveway . How did she know where I lived ? " Hey , there . I 've been trying to get a hold of you all day ! Where have you been ? " she asked me , approaching the porch . " I 'll take a beer , thanks , " she said as I walked into the kitchen and grabbed two beers . I walked back into the living area and handed one to her . She twisted of the cap and started nursing her beer . She kept her eyes on me , and I just stood there . She went over to the couch and sat down in the middle . I planted myself on the chair across from her . Okay , Edward , it 's obvious she 's into you . She 's attractive and actually does want you . As far as you know , she hasn 't lied to you like Bella has . However , Bella did tell me that Jessica was seeing Mike . But yet , I did as she asked and moved over to sit beside her on the couch . She set her beer down on the coffee table and leaned over to me . She ran her hand up and down my arm . She leaned in and whispered into my ear , " You know , Edward , I 've liked you since you moved here . In fact , I think you 're pretty hot . " I turned toward her and said , " Jessica , I hope you don 't mind me asking , but do you have a boyfriend ? I heard that you 've been seeing Mike . So what is the truth here ? " " I won 't lie to you , Edward : I was seeing him . But after that night at Em 's party , I told him I wasn 't interested in him anymore . I told him I wanted to date you , " she said to me quietly . " Hmm , you don 't say . Well I don 't have a girlfriend either , " I said , getting closer to her face . Our lips were almost touching . Just when I was about to fully kiss her , my phone rang . It pulled me out of my fog , and I went to answer it . " Sorry , Jessica . I 'll only be a moment , " I said to her . I saw the caller ID and knew it was Bella . I left the room to talk to her in private . " It 's Jessica you 're with , isn 't it ? " she asked me coldly . She sounded a bit jealous . Good , I wanted her to be jealous . " Did you sleep with her ? " she demanded over the phone . Oh , she was worried . I saw her with Jake earlier so I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine . " Fine ! See you tomorrow ! " Then she hung up the phone . Oh , she was pissed ! I 'm fucking glad . I mean , she just told me last night she was ending it with Jake , then I saw her hugging and kissing him today ! Oh well , I better get back to Jessica . I went back into the living room and saw she wasn 't there . However , I saw her shoe sitting on the table . I picked it up , looked around , and saw her other heel by the stairs . Hmm , very interesting ! So I followed the " litter , " so to speak . As I got to the middle of the stairs , I saw her blouse , then her bra . When I got to the top , I saw her black panty hose on the banister . As soon as I got to my bedroom door , I saw her panties . They were hanging on the doorknob . I opened the door and there were lit candles glowing . She was lying in my bed with the sheet covering her body . " Hello , Edward . It took you long enough , " she said seductively . Then she looked down at my pants and saw my member was standing attention . I mean , come on I hadn 't gotten laid in almost six months , and she really wanted me . Who was I to turn her down ? I shut the door to my bedroom . Ugh ! I 'm so not ready to get up . But I knew I had to face the day . Today was the day my wife would get the divorce papers delivered to her . At least that part of my life would be over soon . I got up , showered , shaved , and got ready for the day . I ate some breakfast and headed off for school . I pulled into my regular spot and went inside the building . I walked to the office to check my box . " Oh , Edward , last night was incredible ! I 've never had that done to me before . Maybe we could do it again soon ? " she purred , putting her arms around my neck . Just then , Bella left the office in a huff . I honestly didn 't want to hurt Bella ; however , seeing her with Jake hurt me . " Anytime , Jess . Look , I 've got to get going . See ya later ? " I asked her and she nodded . I walked to my classroom and put my papers down on my desk . Suddenly my door shut and I turned to see Bella standing right in front of it . She was glaring at me . " Damn right , I did ! I was lonely , sitting around the house by myself . I called you and it rang four times . Then I took a drive to clear my head and drove to Port Angeles . That 's when I saw the ' four musketeers ' coming out of the restaurant - looking very chummy , might I add . His arm was draped over your shoulder and he brought you in a for a kiss ! Then you all walked to his car and drove off . I called you again , and it went straight to voice mail . So have you run out of excuses now , Bella ? " " When I got home after seeing you with him , she pulled into my driveway . She got my address from Emmett and showed up . We had a few beers , and we talked … among other things , " I said to Bella with a smirk . She just stood there and didn 't say a word . Thankfully , we still had thirty minutes before school started . Then she asked me , " Did you two sleep together ? " " Now , Bella , we didn 't do too much sleeping … we were kind of busy ! " I said to her in a matter of fact tone . " You should know all about that . Don 't you , Bella ? I mean , we were just together Saturday . " My tone was harsh . All of the sudden , I felt a slap across my face . It stung , but when she tried to do it again , I grabbed her wrist . " Oh , so you like it rough , huh ? Does Jake boy do it rough ? I bet I could do better than he does ! " My voice was getting huskier by the minute . " What 's the matter , Bella ? Lover boy doesn 't do it for you , does he ? He can 't make you wet like I can , can he ? " My seductive voice was coming out . " Oh , but baby , you know you like this ! " I put my hand down on her wet pussy and palmed it . " I can feel the wetness building up through your jeans , Bella . " " In due time , sweetie . In due time ! " My lips found hers as she struggled against me . However , I had more power over her as she tried to fight me off at first . I put my hand on the back of her neck and held tightly so she couldn 't move . Her lips were tight at first , but I worked my tongue in and she finally surrendered , whimpering into the kiss . I kissed her until I had nothing left and had to breathe . I pulled back and said to her , " So , are we through playing these games , Bella ? Are you finally going to tell him that you 're through with him completely ? " " I 'll tell you what I 'll do Bella . Come into my room after school , and I 'll help you with the assignment I give you in class today . You can hear it for yourself when I tell her it 's over . Then you can do the same with Jake . I can be at the café watching you end it with him . Deal ? " I asked her looking into her eyes . The school day went fast . I was glad it did . Soon , Bella would be coming in to ' work . ' I was going to tell Jessica that it was over . I never had sex with Jessica . I only led Bella to believe that I had . I just gave her what she wanted . She wanted me to eat her out , so I did . She told me she 'd never an orgasm before , so I gave her one . I guess Newton just didn 't do it for her . Soon , Bella walked in the classroom . We didn 't talk much , but she started on the paper . Not long after that , Jess came in to see how long I would be . " Um , Jess , I am glad you 're here . I have something I need to tell you . I can 't see you anymore , " I said to her in as soothing a tone I could muster . " Jess , I 'm sorry . I really am . I never meant to hurt you or lead you on . I just don 't want a relationship right now , " I told her gently . " It 's very complicated . But I wanted to be honest with you . You 'll find someone else who can treat you better . I hope you understand , " I explained to her . " I think it 's for the best . I hope we can stay friends ? " I asked her ; Jess nodded , and then she left the room . I looked at Bella , and she smiled at me . I smiled back and said to her , " Okay it 's your turn . " So she got on her cell and called Jake to meet her at the café . I followed behind her in her car . She went in first , and then I walked in behind her , sitting down at another booth . I made sure I was hidden from Jake . " Jake , you know I care for you a lot . And we 've had some good times together . But I just don 't feel the same way about you that you do about me , " she said to him gently . " A while . I just think of you as a brother and my best friend . I still want to hang out with you , but only as a friend . " Her voice was soft and sweet . " Thank you for being honest with me . I 'm sure this was hard for you to do . And I want you to know I 'll always be here for you if you need a friend , " he said solemnly to her . " Well , no . I 'm hurt . But I 'd rather have you as a friend than not at all , " he said back to her . " Just one thing , Bella . Be happy , okay ? Whoever you end up with better make you happy , " he said to her in a friendly tone . Her eyes met with mine , and she said back to him , " I promise . Whoever I end up with will make me happy . " Then she got up and left the table . She walked outside of the café , and I walked out without him seeing me . I knew I needed to tell her about Tanya soon since we 're being honest with each other now . But her birthday was coming up soon , and I had a surprise for her . Our relationship had to be kept secret until she graduated ; that 's the way it would have to be . I called my parents and told them I filed for divorce from Tanya . I hadn 't told them about Bella because I knew they wouldn 't be thrilled , especially since she was my student . Bella 's friend Alice was the only one who knew about us . She 'd been to my house a couple of times . Bella 's mom stayed busy with school stuff as her dad is working all the time , which is fine by me . We would make out and I would finger her to make her cum , and she would give me blow jobs to release that tension . But it would be so nice for us to finally make love . Since her birthday was on a Saturday , her mom and dad took her out for dinner Friday evening . So that was our night together . I made us dinner : baked potatoes with steaks . For dessert , a chocolate cake . She came over and told me she wanted to shower here . I didn 't argue . While she showered , I laid something on the bed for her to wear . I had just set the table and lit the candles when she entered the room . As I looked up , I gasped at how beautiful she looked . She was wearing what I had bought her . Actually , Alice helped me pick it out for her . It was a royal blue dress that fell to her knees and shimmered in the candlelight . " It 's my pleasure , Bella . Dig in . " As we ate , we talked about where her parents had taken her to eat : her favorite restaurant . She also told me the presents they 'd given her . Her dad bought her a new digital camera to take pictures of the rest of her senior year . Her mom bought her a scrapbook to put all her pictures in . As we finished our dinner , it was time for dessert . We ate our cake and I had some wine with it . It was all delicious . I excused myself to go turn on some soft music while she took our dessert plates to the kitchen . Just as she set the plates in the sink , I came up behind her , wrapping my arms around her waist . I whispered into her ear asking her , " Bella , do you have any idea how much I want you ? How much I desire you ? " I kissed her neck and nibbled on her ear . I pushed my erection against her further as she leaned into me more . I heard her breathing was labored . My hands skimmed over her dress , my palm going over her belly . " Do you know how long I 've waited for this day , this moment to come so I could ravish you ? " My warm breath hit her neck as she gasped out my name . My hand right hand reached down and I brushed my thumb over her breast . Then I moved my hand and palmed her face , bringing her mouth closer to my lips . Our lips moved over each other 's as her hand reached behind my neck and held me to her . Then I turned her body toward mine , still keeping my lips on hers . I started walking her toward the bedroom . Upstairs , however , I picked her up bridal style and carry her while kissing . Once we reached my room , I put her feet on the floor . I started undressing her by sliding her zipper down on the back . I felt her warm skin under my hand , and it felt so good . I rubbed her back and noticed she wasn 't wearing a bra , so I slid the fabric down off her shoulders , slowly unveiling her perky breasts . They were so beautiful with their pink buds coming out . Then she reached up , pulled my shirt off , and ran her hands over my chest . After my shirt was gone , she worked on my pants , unbuttoning them and pulling them down . She started going for my penis , putting it in her mouth . She gasped when I said " making love " and we kissed each other hungrily . I laid her gently on the bed , my body hovering over hers . We were both naked and touching each other everywhere . I slid my fingers into her wet core and pressed on her clit , making her body tremble as she same . " Bella ! God , I want you , I want you so much ! " I went down , slurped up all the juices from her pussy , and moved back up to her mouth , kissing her lips again , tasting herself on mine . " Edward , please I need you ! I 'm aching for you ! " she whispered back to me . I reached over and grabbed a condom from the drawer . I slid it on my length and centered myself at her opening . I looked up at her ; her eyes were hooded with lust . " Are you ready for me , baby ? " I asked her . She nodded and I started sliding myself into her . As I pushed myself in , I realized she was really tight , like she had never done this before . I stopped for a moment because it was so much ! I actually grunted before I even got all the way in . " Edward , what 's wrong ? Why have you stopped ? " she asked breathlessly . At first I wanted to ask if she was a virgin , but another part of me couldn 't wait any longer . So I sucked in some air and pushed forward , and yeah , I pushed through her barrier ! Shit , she was a virgin ! Her pussy just sucked me in like a vacuum , and she gasped . " No , just give me a moment , " she said to me . I relaxed in her , staying still , but I also wanted some friction , too . Then she finally said , " Okay . " So I started again slowly . She winced again ; however , her body was slowly moving with mine . " Fuck , Bella , you 're so fucking tight ! Ungh ! " I moved in and out of her pussy ; my cock was already starting to get harder and harder . Shit ! I 'd never felt a tightness like this before ! I grabbed at my headboard to get some leverage as I leaned down to kiss her lips . I must have been hitting her g - spot because she cried out , " Oh , my God , I 'm cumming , Edward ! " She was right ; her pussy clamped down on my dick , my body trembled as I got closer to my orgasm as well . She came hard , calling out my name . " Bella ! " I 'd never had an orgasm last that long before . I pulled out of her , not wanting to lose the connection we had , but I couldn 't keep myself up anymore . I landed on the mattress , my back hitting the coolness of the sheets . A / N : A brief hello to my readers . I just wanted to say thanks first of all for reading this story . It was such a pleasure writing this for you . As you can see I did leave a bit of a cliff hanger . The reason is because I plan to continue this story once the contest is over . I wanted to leave some things as a mystery . How will Bella feel when she does find out Edward is in fact married but filing for a divorce . Will these two get caught in the relationship ? After all she is the Principal 's and Chief of Police 's daughter . Is Jake totally giving up on Bella too or will he fight for her ? Also what about Tanya ? Is she going to just give Edward the divorce , or will she fight for him ? All these questions and any other questions will be answered after the contest , I assure you ! Thanks again for reading !
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Hi everyone ! ! ! The next chapters are up for the lost story , as Riana finds out about Britney and Isaac , as well as run into some trouble of her own . Four Cheryl arrived inside the student lounge and headed straight to the coffeehouse . She started to stand in line , but noticed Chris sitting outside on the patio . She watched him while he was busily reading the Sports section of the newspaper . He looked up and smiled . " Hey . I didn 't expect to see you here . " " Yeah . I had to do something . My roommate is driving me crazy . I don 't think I can stay with him for the rest of the semester . " " What is he doing that making you annoyed ? " " Where should I start ? First , he 's in the bathroom for a long period of time looking at himself in the mirror . He eats up all the food and he 's interrupting my sleep by bringing a different girl into the room every night . This was all in the first week we moved in together . " " Wow , sounds rough . At least you 're not staying with three other girls in a two bedroom apartment . It only been a couple of days and we 're already at each other 's throats . Now I found out that my cousin 's best friend been messing around with her boyfriend for two months . I want to tell her but I know it will kill her . " " Why you didn 't ? It will hurt her but she needs to know the truth . " " I know , but her friend gave me some story that her and her boyfriend will tell her soon . I don 't know what to do . " Cheryl said . She put her head in her hands and took a deep breath . Chris reached out , putting a hand on her shoulder . " Can I give you some advice ? You do what 's right . You know your cousin better than anyone so you should be able to know what she can take . She will thank you for this . As far as her friend goes , she was never a friend to begin with if she 's sleeping with her boyfriend . That 's something me and Shawn never done . And never will do . " Cheryl nodded to what Chris advised . She knew what she had to do . " No , not at all . In fact , I think that 's what I needed to hear . Speaking of Shawn , why you and him are not roommates ? " " I wish we were but he already have one . His brother . They got an apartment together when Shawn graduated high school . They asked me to move in with them but I thought that would have been a little overcrowded . " " I know what you mean . " Cheryl said , smiling . Isaac was parking his car in front of Riana 's apartment when he notices Britney sitting on the sidewalk near the apartment . He gets out of his car and goes towards Britney . Britney looked up , revealing her swollen eyes and a look of disgust on her face . " No it 's not . She 's waiting for us to say something . If we don 't then she will spill . Why would she withhold information like that from her cousin ? " " You 're right . " Riana walked around the living room impatiently as she checked her watch . Isaac was supposed to have come by so they could go out to dinner . She wanted to confront him about his weird behavior . But of course , he 's late . " Where is he ? " she said to herself . Ever since she returned from her vacation , she has been noticing how distance Isaac been towards her and why he hasn 't been spending time with her . She walked over to the window and noticed Isaac and Britney in the parking lot . Isaac was hugging Britney while she was crying into his chest . " Why is she crying ? " She was about to walk to the door when her cell phone rang . " Hello . " " Hey , it 's Shawn . " " Shawn , hey ; what 's up ? " " Talk to you later . " " Yeah , bye . " Riana ended the call and was heading to the door when her phone started to ring again . " What now ? " She answered the phone with a slight attitude . " I need to talk to you . It 's really important . " " Can it wait ? Isaac 's here and he 's with Britney and I was going to see what was going on . " " That 's why I 'm calling you . It 's about Isaac and Britney . " " Can you please tell me what 's going on ? I need to know now . " Riana asked in an irritated tone . " I just found out that Britney and Isaac has been involved for two months . They been sleeping together since the time we left on vacation . I 'm so sorry Ri . I didn 't want you to find out this way . " Riana couldn 't believe what she just heard . She slowly sat down on the couch and her cell phone fell to the floor . Tears started to stream down her face as she looked outside the window and watched Britney and Isaac outside on the sidewalk . Monica walked into the living room with Donnell behind her . She goes over to Riana and put an arm around her . Riana didn 't even notice Monica was beside her as she was crying violently . Monica picked up Riana 's phone to find out who she was talking to . " Hello . Is someone still there ? " " Yeah Monica ; it 's Cheryl . " " What happened ? I was trying to ask Riana but she can 't stop crying . " " I just told her something about Britney and Isaac . I 'm on my way home . " Before Monica could ask what she said , Cheryl hung up the phone . " What 's going on ? " Donnell asked . " Cheryl hung up so I don 't know . " In a sudden rush , Riana headed towards the door . She opened it wide , causing the door to hit the wall . She ran straight to Britney and Isaac with a fit of rage . Monica looked at Donnell and the two ran after Riana . " She knows . " Britney said . She tried to walk away , but Riana was too quick . " You bitch ! " Riana exclaimed . She grabbed Britney by her hair and swung her around to face her . She punched her with all her strength . Britney fell down on the dewy green grass in pain . " You didn 't think I would find out ? You fucking asshole ! To think I was in love with you . How could you do this to me ? " Riana yelled at Isaac . Monica and Donnell were both watching the scene unfold as Monica walked over to Britney to help her up . " Listen , we didn 't want you to find out like this . We were going to tell you everything when the time was right . " Isaac said . " When was that going to be ? I can 't believe this ! " Riana screamed . She went over to Isaac and started to hit him on the chest . Isaac tried to move Riana away from him but couldn 't . " Girl , calm down ! " he yelled . Just as he was finally able to restrain Riana from him , she started back hitting him again . Donnell ran over to Riana and pulled her away from Isaac . " Why are you upset with Britney and Isaac ? " Monica yelled to Riana . " That bastard and that bitch have been sleeping together for the past two months , that 's why ! So was that where you were today after class , fucking my man ! " Monica looked at Britney and Isaac in total amazement . Her dark brown eyes were filled with shock and sadness . " Why would you two do that ? What 's wrong with you two ? " " What 's that supposed to mean ? " Donnell asked while getting in Isaac 's face . " Stop it ! He 's not worth it . " Monica said . Britney goes up to Riana with a smug look . " Matter of fact , I was fucking your man . Over and over and over again . I had to since you wasn 't . " " That 's low Britney . " Monica said . Riana tried to go after Britney again , but Donnell grabbed her by her waist . Cheryl and Chris ran over to the scene expecting the worse . Once the two arrived so did the rest of the apartment complex , as a mob of spectators were outside curious of the entire situation escalating . " You had to open your big mouth . You couldn 't hold it in could you ? " Isaac yelled at Cheryl . " Don 't blame me because you got caught . Riana deserves to be with someone better than you . " " You know what ; you two not worth going to jail over . I 'm done . " Riana said . She tried to pull out of Donnell 's grasp but couldn 't . Donnell let Riana go as she calmly walked away from him . She looked at Isaac and Britney with a disgusted look . " Now that I think about it you two deserve each other . " She hit Britney again , causing her to fall back down on the green grass . Monica looked at the both Riana and Britney speechless with the whole situation . Donnell went over to her and gave her a hug . " Things will never be the same again . " Riana walked over to her Dodge Caliber when Cheryl and Chris ran behind her . " Where you going ? You shouldn 't be by yourself . " Cheryl said . After the unforgettable incident outside , Britney , Monica , Donnell , and Isaac were going back inside the apartment . Isaac was walking in when Monica stops him at the door . " You can 't come in . " " I 'm still in shock over you two . How did you keep it a secret ? Even I didn 't know . " " There 's a lot of things you can keep in the dark . It just the idea of getting caught is the " I 'm sorry Mon for not telling you but I know you would have told Riana about it . Besides , it seems like lately everyone has a secret to tell . " Britney said . " I know it was wrong for us to get involved , but something just click between us and we couldn 't resist . Now that Riana knows , we don 't have to hide it anymore . " " That may be true , but you hurt a friend in the process . Have you thought about what this is doing to Riana ? She really cares about the both of you ; and Brit , you two been friends for so long . Why put her through this much pain ? " " Who 's to say that Riana not seeing someone on the side ? She 's been pretty off lately since we went to the club on Friday . " Britney said . " Whatever Britney . " Monica said . " You two will be together now , but just to let you know Isaac is not welcome here anymore . " " Why not ? He 's my man now . " " Yeah , but this is our place and you have to respect that . If you don 't then there 's the door . " Monica said . She goes into the room she shared with Britney and slammed the door . Donnell looked at the two and shook his head . He goes towards Monica 's room and closed the Britney turned to Isaac and smiled . " Well it 's over now . We can be together . " She said . She put her arms around him and gave him a hug . Isaac looked at the bare wall and sighed . That 's what you think . Riana walked up to Shawn 's apartment and started to pound on the door . During the drive over , she was hesitating on whether she should stop by . Cheryl is right . I shouldn 't have come . As soon as she was about to leave , Shawn opened the door out of breath . Apparently he was working out because he was only wearing a pair of basketball shorts and had a towel draped over his right shoulder . Riana started to bite her lip while staring at Shawn 's sweaty body . The thoughts she was thinking right now was only making things even more complicated . " Hey , what are you doing here ? " Shawn asked in surprise . " How did you know where I stayed ? " Riana smiled as she stepped into Shawn 's apartment . As he ran into the bathroom to wash up , Riana walked over to the leather couch and sat down . From the looks of his place it seemed as if no one stayed there . In the living room there were only the couch and a flat screen TV . But it 's comfortable . Shawn walked back into the living room wearing a pair of shorts and a blue T - shirt . He looked at Riana and realized she been crying . " Is something wrong ? " Riana looked at the blank TV screen and began to cry . Shawn sighed as he draped his arm around her . " Calm down . Whatever it is it will be okay . " " Nothing will ever be the same again . " " Whatever it is , it can 't be that bad . " " Yes it is . " Riana said in between sobs . " Calm down . " Shawn said . He goes into the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water . He walked over to Riana and she took it from him . The water calmed her but she was still was shaking . " Whatever it is must have made you really upset . You 're shaking . You want to talk about it ? " " I just found out my best friend and my boyfriend has been sleeping together for the past two months . I can 't believe my best friend would do this to me . After all I have done for her and this is how she repays me . " " Wow . Sorry to hear that . " " I knew something was going on with my boyfriend . Why I 'm saying my boyfriend ; my ex - boyfriend . I noticed something changed in him when I returned from vacation ; but I would have never thought it was this . They probably wished I never came back so they wouldn 't have to sneak around . Well , they don 't have to now . They can be together and live happily ever after in hell . " " You don 't mean that . " " Look at me . Your friend and your ex doesn 't deserve someone like you . I haven 't known you that long , but from what I can see you are a sweet and nice person . If they hurt you like that then they don 't deserve to be in your life . You don 't need them . " " Riana , you 're not thinking straight right now . Maybe we should work on our project . I could tell you what my idea is . " " Shut up please and let me talk . Ever since I 've seen you at the club there was something inside that wanted to know more about you . I tried to deny my attraction to you but I can 't now . " She looked at Shawn and starts to kiss him on his lips . The two start to kiss slowly as Riana moved her hands down Shawn 's back . Shawn tried to resist his temptation for Riana but he couldn 't withstand it any longer . Their kiss progressed to a force of desire that was unmanageable . Shawn watched as Riana removed her shirt and bra . He suddenly became aroused by her sitting in front of him completely topless . " Make love to me . " she said . Shawn was taken aback by Riana 's proposal . He didn 't know whether to take her right there or just control his urges . He really like Riana and he don 't know if he can live with himself if he took it there with her . He sat up and started to moan . " I can 't do this . " " Why not ? If you think you would be forcing me you won 't be . I want you and I know you want me too . I can see it in your eyes . " " I do . Believe me I do , but we just met and you 're on the rebound . If I was any other guy I would have took you into my room and made love to you but I 'm not that type of guy . " Riana gave a weak smile and put back on her shirt . " I just made an ass out of myself . " She said while getting up from the couch . " I didn 't say that . " " You might as well have . Just leave me alone . " Riana said . She grabbed her bra and purse that were both on the floor and headed to the door . " Where are you going ? " " Bye Shawn . " Riana said . She goes to the door and opened it . Shawn watched as Riana walked out the door and slams it . He turned around and sighed . " I have to follow her . " He snatched his keys from the kitchen counter and goes to the door . Five After being completely humiliated in Shawn 's apartment , Riana quickly got in to her Dodge Caliber and started the ignition . She reversed out of the parking space she was parked in and sped out towards the street . While driving , she let out a frustrating scream . " I can 't believe I made an ass out of myself ! " Whatever thoughts of her and Shawn being together were completely gone now . She probably can 't look at him anyone let alone talk to him . " What am I thinking ? I just broke up with Isaac . I can 't be thinking about anyone right now . " As she was driving , she headed towards the ramp to the freeway . She had to go somewhere to clear her head on all the things that has happened today . " Where is she going ? " Riana took a sharp turn and headed onto the off ramp towards downtown . Shawn realized that Riana was going to the downtown off ramp and hurriedly turned towards the exit . He almost collided into a car on the way to the exit . The driver began to blow his horn furiously . As Riana goes off the ramp , she made a left at the light and another left at a bar near downtown . She found the closest parking space available and turned off the engine . She got out the car and goes inside . Shawn pulled up into the bar parking lot and sighed . " She chose here of all places . " As soon as he was about to get out of his car , he felt a vibration in his left pocket . He realized it was his cell phone . He pulled it out and noticed it was Chris calling . " Why did you give Riana my address ? " " She came by alright . She practically threw herself at me . After I rejected her , she got upset and storm out my place . I follow her near downtown and now she 's at some bar . I 'm really worried about her . Let me go so I can keep an eye on her . " " Shawn , where are you ? " Riana walked into Z Lounge and headed straight to the bar . She sat down and sighed . The bartender walked over to Riana and smiled . " What will it be pretty lady ? " As the bartender walked off , Riana looked around the bar with a look of guilt and shyness . Riana is not a big drinker but she figured after today 's events she deserved a drink or two . The bartender came back to Riana with her drink . She took the drink and placed it to her lips . As she placed her glass down on the napkin on the counter she noticed someone was staring at her . Don 't come over here . " Sorry I bothered you . I just noticed that you looked sad and wanted to see if you were okay . " The guy said . He started to head towards a table when Riana stopped him . " You never know . I could try . I 'm Will . " The guy said as he put his hand out towards Riana . " Riana . " she said while accepting Will 's handshake . " Would you like another drink ? I don 't mind getting you one . " " Right , " " I 'll be back . " Will said . As Will tried to get the bartender 's attention , Riana looked over to the door and saw Shawn sitting at a table nearby . What is he doing here ? Shawn stared at Riana and started to get up from the table . As he was walking over to the bar , a woman came up to Shawn . " Hey , Shawn . How are you ? " the woman asked . She goes up to Shawn and threw her arms around him . Shawn looked at the girl in utter surprise . " Look , this is not the right time . " He said . He removed himself from the girl 's embrace . As he was walking away , the girl grabbed Shawn 's arm . " I 'm sorry but who are you ? " " You don 't remember me ? It 's Laurie ; the girl who gave you the best night of your life . I guess you wouldn 't remember since you didn 't have the nerve to call . " Shawn looked at Laurie and sighed . Will gave Riana a deceiving glance as she took the drink to her lips . Drink up baby because this is your lucky night . Riana tipped the glass , drinking the alcohol as if it was a glass of water . She placed the glass down on the counter and smiled at Will . Shawn looked at Laurie with an aggravated expression . " I remember you now ! Why don 't I give you a call tonight and you can talk your pretty little head off all night , okay . " " Okay . " Laurie excitedly said . " Whatever . " He said . He goes over to the bar when Cheryl and Chris walk in . They saw Shawn and headed over to him . " If you won 't I will . " Cheryl said . She was about to go to the bar when Chris grabbed her arm . " Let go of me . " " And what good will it do if you go over there ? It will only make things worse . " Cheryl pulled away from Chris and goes to the nearest table to sit down . " We should do something though . Ri is vulnerable right now . She 's not in the right state of mind . " " I know that , that 's why I followed her here and been watching her since . Nothing happened yet , but if something does , I 'll take care of it . " Shawn commented . " Riana is grown so I 'm pretty sure she can take care of herself . " Chris said . Cheryl shook her head at the two and looked over at the bar . Thirty minutes later and Riana was still talking to Will . The two has been talking about everything from school to their favorite foods . As Riana looked at Will , she started to feel a little light - headed . " What 's going on ? " She began to look around the bar but everything looked blurry . " Why is everything fuzzy ? " " Is something wrong ? " Will asked with a concern look on his face . Riana looked at Will . Even he was starting to look weird . " Suddenly , I don 't feel so good . " She put her hand on her forehead and realized she was sweating . " You put something in my drink . " " What ? You 're crazy . " " I was feeling fine until the last drink I had . You drugged me . " Shawn looked over at the scene and went up to the two . Cheryl and Chris gave each other nervous looks and headed over to the bar . " What 's going on ? " Shawn asked . " None of your business . " Will impatiently replied . " I think it is . " Shawn said while stepping in front of Will . " I don 't feel good . " Riana said . " He put something in my drink . " " She 's lying ! She was drunk before I even talked to her . " Riana tried to get up from her seat , but when she did , she fell into Shawn . Shawn caught her before she fell to the ground . " Riana ! " Cheryl yelled . She ran over to Shawn and took Riana from him . " I 'm calling the police . " The bartender said . He went over to the phone behind the counter and dialed 911 . " This is a joke ! She was drunk before I talked to her . It not my problem she 's a tease ! " Shawn was about to hit him , but Chris held him back . " Nah man , let me . " He went up to Will and punch him across his jaw . Will fell backwards causing his head to fall on a chair nearby . He fell on the ground and was knocked out cold . " Thanks man . " Shawn said . Cheryl looked at Riana with a scared look on her face . " I don 't feel good . " Riana weakly said . She looked at Cheryl as her eyes started to slowly close . " Riana ! Riana , don 't do this ! " Cheryl exclaimed . Shawn looked over at Cheryl and Riana and ran over to the two . He took Riana from Cheryl and picked her up . " We have to go to the hospital . " " I 'll stay here for the police . " Chris said . " Go . I 'll take care of everything . " The bartender said . Britney was in her room looking at a photo album she had on her nightstand . After having a long talk with Isaac about their new relationship , Isaac claimed he had something important to do and stormed out the apartment it was on fire . As she skimmed through the photos , she looked at how happy she , Monica and Riana was during their high school graduation and part of their freshman year in college . A tear started to fall down Britney 's cheek as she closed the album and put it to her chest . " We were so happy then . Now I ruined things between all of us . This was a huge mistake . " " I agree . " Monica said while standing at the door . Britney looked up and placed the album back on her nightstand . Monica walked into the room and sat on her bed facing Britney 's . " I don 't get you . I mean why would you do this to your best friend ? " " That 's the question that keeps popping in my head every time I was with Isaac and even now . I can 't answer why I did it : I guess I was in love with him . You knew I liked him before Riana got with him and she knew that , but instead of respecting my feelings , she went after him anyway . " " So you felt it was okay to pursue something with him because you had a crush on him ? Even if you did and Riana decided to date him does not mean you destroy your long term friendship for a man ! You really messed up and I don 't think Riana will ever forgive you . " " You don 't think I know that ! I think about that all the time . I know I screwed up and it 's tearing me apart , but I can 't turn back time now . I 'm hoping that things will work out for everyone . Especially for Isaac and me . " " Are you kidding me ? I really did like Isaac because I thought he was a great guy , but to come between two friends that are like sisters to each other is plain trifling . As you can see he didn 't care about you two being friends . All he cared about was what he could get out of both of you and he succeed . " " I know I 've done some things that were hurtful , but what about you ? Has a certain incident just disappeared from your mind ? You cheated on Donnell with a guy you met at a club . So don 't come in here acting like you 're so innocent when you 're doing dirt too . " " I screwed up too , I 'll admit that ; but at least I didn 't hurt my best friend in the process . " " Donnell 's not your best friend ? Or he 's just someone you feel comfortable with ? I know that you slept with him too today . When are you going to learn Monica ? Donnell have been so nice to you since you two been together . He has put up so much shit from you it is ridiculous ! After all the people you cheated with , he still took you back . You know what he 's trying to do now and that 's saving up for his own place . Instead of being supportive , you go sleep with someone you hardly knew . " Monica glanced down at the necklace Donnell brought for her with a look of sadness . " I wanted to tell him today about Malcolm , but he surprised me with this necklace . How could I tell him I had an one - night stand when he was thinking of me while saving for his dream ? He took the money out of his savings to give me something that I don 't deserve . You don 't think I feel terrible over something I messed up on ! Because I do and it feels like shit ! And the worse part of it all is that I haven 't heard from Malcolm since that night . Basically , I was used that night and I could lose someone that is really important to me . " Monica said through tears . Britney looked at Monica and gave her a hug . The two were hugging each other and crying at the same time . " We both messed up , huh ? " Britney asked while crying . " Big time . " The two continued to weep when Monica 's cell phone began to ring . Monica went over to the desk and answered it . " Hello . " " Monica , its Cheryl . I have some bad news about Riana . " " What 's wrong ? " Cheryl asked in a frantic tone . " I 'm at the hospital with two of our friends . We found Riana at a bar with some loser and he put something in her drink . We believed it was date rape drug . " " Oh no ! " Monica gasped . " We don 't know anything yet as far as what it was , but we think with the combination of the drug and alcohol that it doesn 't look good . " " Where are you ? " " Penbrook Memorial . " " I 'm on my way . " Monica said . She hurriedly hung up the phone and grabbed her keys from the desk . Britney looked at Monica with fear in her hazel - colored eyes . " She 's in the hospital . " " I 'm going with you . " Britney said as she was putting on her shoes . " I don 't think that 's a good idea . " " Why not ? No matter what happened Ri is still my friend . I still care about her . " " I know , but this is a bad situation right now . I don 't think it would be right if you were there . I 'll call you when I hear anything . " Monica went towards the hallway and to the front door . Britney stared at the window in total disarray . " Monica 's wrong . I have to be there . " Cheryl , Shawn and Chris were in the waiting room at Penbrook Memorial awaiting news on Riana . Chris looked at Cheryl as she eagerly put her hands together and was rocking back and forth in her chair . Chris took Cheryl 's hands and put them in his . Cheryl glanced at Chris and took a shallow breath . " Should you call Riana 's parents and let them know what going on ? " Chris asked . " I would , but I don 't want them to worry too much . Besides , it not much they can do . This has been an unusual day . We just met this morning and with everything that has happened today . " Chris smiled . " This has been an eventful day , but that doesn 't mean a thing to me . I still want to get to know you better . I think you are a great person . " Cheryl blushed . " Thanks . I 'm just so worry about Ri . I mean this is not like her . " " People will do the unthinkable when they are hurting . Just believe that she will pull through this . " " I 'm going to the chapel to pray . " Cheryl said while getting up from her seat . " I 'll come with you . " Cheryl waited for Chris to stand . They looked over at Shawn who was sitting on the couch with his head down . " Shawn , we 'll be back . We 're going to the chapel to pray . " Chris said . Shawn looked up with a restless expression . He moved his head to acknowledge them as the two left the waiting room . He decided he needed to move around , so he got off of the couch and started to pace back and forth near the stretch corridor . " If I just went to her sooner . " He murmured . Just the thought of Riana unconscious at the bar only made Shawn more upset than before . He looked at the wall and punched it with his right fist . Monica and Donnell walked into the waiting room to witness Shawn punching the wall . " Shawn . " Monica said in a surprise tone . " Monica . You know Riana ? " " Yeah , she 's one of my best friends . I didn 't know you knew her . " " We actually just met . Hey , Donnell . " " What 's up Shawn ? " " Have you heard anything ? " " No , not yet . " Britney walked into the waiting room with Isaac in toll . She was really nervous with the idea of bringing Isaac with her , but she needed him there . He is my boyfriend . If anyone doesn 't like it , so be it . Monica and Donnell looked at Britney and Isaac wondering why was they there . " I don 't believe this . " Monica said . Shawn looked at the two and then at Donnell . " The friend and the ex ? " " Bingo . " Donnell said . Monica went over to Britney and grabbed her arm . She escorted Britney out to the corridor . " I told you to stay at home . And why did you bring Isaac ? He 's the last person who should be here . " " And who is the guy in the waiting room ; Riana 's new boyfriend ? " " He 's a friend . That 's not the point though . You two shouldn 't be here and you knew that . You have to go . " " I 'm not leaving until I know Riana is okay . " Britney said . She gave Monica a fuming stare as she walked back into the waiting room . " Please don 't let anything else happen tonight . I think we had enough drama today . " Monica prayed as she followed Britney back into the waiting room . Cheryl and Chris walked back in as well to see Britney and Isaac sitting down . " Why are you two here ? Haven 't you both done enough ? " Cheryl yelled . " It 's not our faults what happened to Riana . She should know right from wrong by now . " Isaac said . " Son of a bitch ! " Cheryl cried . She was about to go over to Isaac , but Chris held her back . " You better contain her ; she 's being dramatic right now . Everyone knows Riana have personal issues . " Shawn walked over to Isaac with a threatening look on his face . " You did Riana a favor by cheating on her . She doesn 't need slime like you in her life . " " Well , well , if it isn 't Shawn Walker . What are you doing here ? Let me guess , is it because you have a thing for Riana ? I 've seen you at the club pushing your way on her . I 'll tell you one thing , good luck hitting that . " Shawn looked at Isaac and punched him across the face . Isaac fell down on the linoleum floor . Shawn looked at his hand and realized it was covered with blood . " You stupid you know that ! " Shawn said . Isaac got up and went towards Shawn with his right fist balled up . He decked him in the face . The two fell on the floor striking each other . " Stop it ! You two are in a hospital ! " Monica yelled . The two continued to fight when Chris and Donnell ran over to them to break up the fight before security arrived . " Do you two have any sense ? My cousin is in the hospital while you two are fighting like animals ! " Cheryl said . Isaac glazed at Shawn with a hatred look . Shawn looked at Isaac ready to pick up where he left off . " Sorry Cheryl . " Shawn said . He headed to the window to stare out at the parking lot . Cheryl went over to Isaac . " You and your whore need to leave . You have no business being here . You are the reason why my cousin is here ! " Isaac looked at Cheryl and shook his head . " Cheryl 's right . Please leave . " Monica said . " Monica . " Britney cried . " I 'm sorry Britney , but I told you not to come . You 're only causing trouble . " Shawn went back to the group and looked at Britney and Isaac . " Even though it was bad timing , thanks for punching that jerk . " " Glad to do it . " A doctor walked into the waiting room with a clipboard in hand . He looked at the group with a look no one could figure out . " I wonder if it 's bad . " Monica said . " Is my cousin going to be okay ? " asked Cheryl . The doctor looked at Cheryl and smiled . " She 's going to be fine . " " Thank God . " Cheryl said . Chris looked at her and gave her a hug . Shawn looked up to the ceiling to give thanks as well . " Was it the date rape drug ? " " We were able to determine the drug that was used and it was in fact Rohypnol . Your cousin is lucky tonight . With such a powerful drug and alcohol combined it could have killed her . " " I 'm afraid not . Visiting hours are over now . Besides she 's resting comfortably . I would like to keep her overnight to observe her condition as well as run additional tests . " " Thank you so much . " Cheryl said . " No problem . " Once the doctor walked out of the waiting room , Cheryl turned to Chris and smiled . " That was scary . " " Well at least we know Riana is fine . " " Yeah , no thanks to them . " Cheryl said while looking at Britney and Isaac . " I 'm not going anywhere . I pay rent just like the rest of you . " " I don 't think it 's a good idea for you to be there . You and your asshole of a boyfriend nearly killed Riana tonight . I don 't think Riana would want you there anyway when she comes home . " " We 'll see about that . " Britney said as she goes toward the exit with Isaac behind her . " I wonder what tomorrow will bring . " Cheryl asked . Shawn looked at the night sky through the window and sighed . Monica walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder . " Why you didn 't tell me you knew Riana ? We 're practically good friends . " Shawn smiled . " I know . I wanted to try and take things slow before I did . It just the thought that I finally met the girl I 've been noticing since I set foot at Shaw . " " You know that could have been arranged for you two to talk . " " I know , but I wanted to do things on my own . Besides she was with Isaac at the time . " " How did you two meet ? " " No . I didn 't know it was her at first . " " I think you would be perfect for Ri . I thought Isaac was , but look how that turned out . " " We 're doing a project for our journalism class . By us teaming together , I thought that would have been a way for us to get to know each other , but since what happened with Isaac and tonight , I don 't think Riana would want another relationship . " Monica smiled and hugged Shawn . " Don 't ignore the situation . You know you were wrong over what happened and the right thing to do is to move out . " " I agree with Cheryl . " Monica hesitantly said . She walked into the kitchen and gave Britney an unforgettable stare . " Listen Brit , I love you like a sister , but I really think it is a good idea if you leave for a couple of days until things cool down . By then Riana may have forgotten everything . " Cheryl laughed . " Please ! If you think that you are truly delusional . Riana will never forget what happened and she sure will never forgive her for cheating with her boyfriend . I suggest you pack your stuff and get out . " Britney went up to Cheryl with a smug look . " I 'm not going anywhere . If precious Riana don 't want to live with me then she can leave . In fact why doesn 't she stay with her new boyfriend ? " She went over to the kitchen table to grab her backpack . She went to the front door and slammed it . Monica and Cheryl looked at the door slam and sigh . I wonder why Riana was ever friends with that girl . " " Do you wonder that about me too ? " Monica asked . " I 'm not even going to lie . Yes , I do . " Monica shook her head . " I 'm not going to fight with you , especially this early in the morning ; but I do want to talk to you . " " About what ? " " Will you let me talk ? He really like Riana and he do want to try and see where things go between them . " " You know Ri is not up for a relationship . " " I know and I told him that . He completely understands , but he does want to try and help her through this . " " I think that 's sweet that he will . From what I saw last night at the bar and the hospital he was very concern about her . " " So what you think ? Should Ri give him a chance ? " " Maybe , but let Ri figure out what she wants . I have to go and pick her up from the hospital . " " I 'll be here when you two come back . " " Okay and try to get Britney here . I think we all need to decide on what should happen with her … " She will be gone . Even if I have to personally throw her out . Cheryl walked into Riana 's hospital room and knocked on the door . " Come in . " Riana said from the other end . Cheryl walked into the room and smiled . Riana was sitting on the bed wearing the outfit she had on from the other day . She looked tired , but had a sparkle in both her dark brown eyes . " I 'm better . I 've never been so scared in my life like I was last night . I thought I was going to die . " " But you didn 't and that 's a blessing . " " Did you have class today ? I 'm sorry that you had to miss it to pick me up . If it wasn 't for me doing something so stupid you wouldn 't be missing school . " " Will you stop ? Do not blame yourself for what happened . The entire situation was not your fault . That guy who did this to you was a loser . " " Do you know what happened to him ? " " Chris went back to the bar to talk to the bartender that was on duty . He informed him that he was arrested and that if you want to file charges you can . I really think you should . " Riana got up from the bed and sighed . " I really just want to forget about last night . I wasn 't attacked so I really don 't think I should file charges . " Cheryl nodded and sighed . " Just think about , okay . " " I will . Did anyone come to the hospital last night ? " " Cheryl looked at Riana . She didn 't know whether to tell her that Britney and Isaac were here and that Britney was still in the apartment . " Would you be upset if she was ? " " I hope you didn 't think I would want to . After what she done I wouldn 't want to see her . " " Maybe we should go somewhere after we leave here . Are you hungry ? We could go out for lunch . " " She still there , isn 't she ? " " She went to class , but she will be back . " " You would think she would at least left after what happened . I guess I don 't know her like I thought I did . I 'm ready to go home . " " Maybe we shouldn 't go back to the house for a while . We could visit your parents or go to the mall . At least calm down before we go back . " " I 'm not angry . In fact I 'm great ; it just that I would have thought she had some morals and decided to move out . " " Monica and I tried to convince her to , but she thought otherwise . She figures if she pays rent then she has as much right to stay there as we do . " Riana smiled and started to walk . " Well , we 'll see about that . " Cheryl looked at Riana walk to the door with a confused look on her face . When Britney reached her apartment , she opened the door and walked in . When she did , she noticed half of her belongings were in the living room . Some of it was in boxes while some were thrown on the floor . " What the hell is going on ? " Riana and Cheryl were sitting on the couch looking at Britney while Monica was standing by the TV wishing she was anywhere else but there . " Hello Britney , nice for you to finally come home . Wait a minute , what am I saying ; this is not your home anymore . " Riana said . " What are you talking about ? " Monica gave Britney an expression reading " I 'm sorry " before looking in the other direction . " I don 't believe this . After all we have been through and you do this to me ! Where am I supposed to go ? " " Frankly I don 't care . I don 't believe you ! You think you would stay here after what you 've done ? ! I though you would have better sense than that . " " We supposed to be friends . Friends don 't do this to each other . " " Well you should have thought about that before you slept with Isaac . " Cheryl said . " Shut up ! You never liked me or Monica in the first place . You probably happy this is happening . Watch out Monica because you 're next . She will try to get rid of you too . " " What is your problem ? No one done this to you but you ! You expect everyone to forgive you , but news flash , this is the real world . I suggest you stop living in whatever world you 're in and grow up . " Riana said . Britney walked over to Monica with a heated expression . " I really can 't believe you . I never thought you would take their side on this . " " This is not about choosing sides . What you did was wrong Brit . You rather chose a guy over people who been there for you since you were little . How do you know Isaac won 't hurt you like he did with Ri ? " " I know he wouldn 't . " " I love you Brit , but I agree with Ri and Cheryl . You can 't stay here . " Britney nodded her head in frustration as she grabbed one of her boxes from the floor . She glared at the three standing in front of her who unanimously wanted her gone . " You know what , I 'm glad I 'm leaving . I don 't need any one of you ! " Monica looked at Britney with tears in her eyes while Riana gave Britney a dull expression . " Whatever Britney ; since you don 't stay here anyone I need your key . And don 't worry about the rest of your things . Monica will bring them to wherever you are . " Britney reached for her key ring and found the key to the apartment . She took it off the ring and threw it at Riana . " Fine , you can have it . " She went to the door and opened it . She slammed it with all her strength , causing some pictures on the wall to fall to the floor . Riana turned to look at Monica and Cheryl with a wide smile . " That went well . " she said . She went to her room and closed the door . Cheryl looked at Monica . " Look on the bright side ; at least you have your own room now . " Monica shook her head as she walked out of the living room . Shawn decided to visit Riana at her apartment to see how she was feeling . After talking to Monica , he found out she was at home and decided to get the address . Now he was on the doorstep deciding whether to ring the doorbell or walk away . After a few moments and a lot of deep breaths , he finally rang the doorbell . Monica opened the door with a tiny smile . " Hey . Come on in . " " Hey . This isn 't a bad time is it ? If it is I can come back . " " No , it 's cool . We just had an altercation earlier . We kicked Britney out of the apartment . " " Wow , I bet that was full of drama . " " It definitely was . She claimed none of us were her friends and that she hated us . " " What did she expect though , for everyone to forgive and forget ? She messed up and now she has to face reality . " " I agree . " " Where 's Riana ? " " She 's in her room . I believe she was taking a nap . Let me see if she 's awake . " Monica said . She went to the hallway and into Riana 's room . Shawn looked around the apartment with a look of comfort . He started to walk around and look at the pictures surrounding the living room . He picked up a frame that held a picture of Monica , Britney , and Riana that was sitting on the fireplace mantel and sighed . " I bet they will never be as happy as they were in this picture again . " he said . He put the frame back on the mantel . Riana walked into the living room smiling from ear to ear . " Hey . " Shawn turned around and smiled . Even though she was in a bad situation the night before , she certainly didn 't look it now . She was wearing a black and white striped maxidress that showed off every curve of her body . Shawn tried hard not to stare , but he couldn 't resist . " Like what you see ? " she asked in a seductive tone . " Sorry , I didn 't mean to stare at you like that . " " It 's okay . How are you ? " " I 'm fine . I should be the one asking you that question . " " I 'm doing better . " " And you look it . I 'm glad you 're better . " When Shawn mentioned that , Riana started to sigh . Great , he 's one of Monica 's " friends . " It 's no telling what they have done . Shawn realized what he just said and shook his head . " It 's not like that . We really are friends . We never went out on a date or anything . It 's strictly platonic . " " Why I would care what you two have done . " " I can see it in your expression . You thought Monica and I were dating at one point , just admit it . " " Really , I don 't care . What about the project ? I know you 've been dying to tell me what your idea was . " " Okay , I 'll tell you . " Shawn said . The two went over to the couch and sat down . " I think we should do something that everyone can relate to ; something that will get people 's attention . " " I 'm listening . Go on . " " I think we should do a story on everyday life at campus and ask people what they think is a hot topic to discuss in today 's society . " " I like it . Great idea , Shawn . " " I think we should start on it right away . We can start asking people in our classes , on campus , even your roommates . " " As far as the roommates , I don 't know . Right now we all have our share of problems . And believe me ; it 's only going to get worse . " After thirty minutes of soul searching and realizing what happened between her and her ex - friends , Britney decided to go over to Isaac 's apartment . She really didn 't want to burden him with her problems , but she figured Isaac is her man now so he should help her with her situation . Just like I would for him . She pulled her Pontiac G6 in a parking space close to Isaac 's apartment . She got out of the car and got her backpack and one of her boxes from the back seat . As she was going up the stairs , she lost her balance and almost tripped on one of the stairs . She swiftly regained her footing and climbed the steps two at a time . She went to the door and rang the doorbell . Isaac did not come to the door . Britney rang the doorbell again and waited patiently for him to open the door . " I know he 's here . He said he would be . " After a few minutes , she suddenly remembered Isaac gave her a spare key in case she had to get away from the apartment . She searched in her purse to find the key . After minutes of looking , she finally found it at the bottom of her purse . As she put the key in the keyhole , she heard voices coming from the inside . I knew he was here . Why he didn 't answer the door ? She postponed opening the door and started to carefully hear what was going on . She heard noises coming from the living room . She put the key into the hole again and opened the door . She walked in , her expression abruptly changing from curious to pure disgust . She couldn 't believe the scene she was witnessing . She looked at Isaac with a look of anger , fear , and sadness rolled up in one . Isaac was on the couch in ecstasy as another female was riding him like it was no tomorrow . The two was in their own world having the best time of their lives and didn 't even notice Britney was in the apartment . Britney dropped her belongings and ran over to the two . She pushed the girl so far she and Isaac fell on the floor together . She threw the girl off of Isaac so she could get closer to him . She started to hit him with the back of her ha " Listen Brit , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to hit you . The girl is a friend of mines and she means nothing . I told you that I love you and I do . Just give me another chance , baby . " Britney didn 't even look back at Isaac . She looked at the key that brought her into Isaac 's apartment and put it on the end table by the door . She went out the door and went down the stairs . Advertisements Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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Introduction : This is the final chapter in the story of beautiful blond heiress Tara Hawthorne , and the poor man she came to love , me , Seth Johnson . To understand the background and growth of our relationship , you will have to read the first three parts of this series . As with the other chapters , this is not so much a sex story as it is a life story . Also , it is rather long . If you need a quick thrill , check out the works of some of the other authors who submit their work to this site . Please post constructive criticisms , so my future work will be more pleasing to you . I had showered , dressed , and gone to the base of the stairwell to Tara 's rooms before breakfast . There were enough paintings , sculptures , and antiques to look at that I could hang out there and not look suspicious , but I was worried . I needed to talk to Tara before we met up with her parents . " That 's a relief , " I said , " but that 's not what I 'm worried about . You don 't do your own laundry , and as a houseguest , I don 't do mine . Whoever is tending to our things , especially your bedding , will have a pretty good idea of what we 've been doing ! Your folks are going to kill me . " " Oh , Seth , is that why you look so nervous ? " Tara giggled . " Don 't worry . Suzette and Lawrence are taking personal care of all our things . Suzette and I are very close . When I came out of the bathroom this morning , she was stripping my bed . She gave me a knowing smile , and said , " I would have to make love to him too , if I were in your position . He 's very handsome , and with the way you two seem to worship the ground each other walks on , Lawrence and I knew you were going to use that old hallway to get to each other . Don 't worry , your secrets have always been safe with me . As you know by now , Lawrence 's middle name is discretion , so no worries there . We 're just happy for you , honey . " After the usual warm greetings , Tara 's Dad , Joshua , began to speak . " Seth , I need your help . Lawrence and Suzette were at your house last night . They think my wife and I may have made your folks a little uncomfortable with this Christmas celebration tomorrow . Your Mom and Dad were very nice and warm , but Lawrence and Suzette have the impression that your folks think my wife and I are trying to buy their friendship . Do you think that 's possible ? " I thought for a moment . " Joshua , my Mom and Dad have always worked very hard to provide for me . My Mom 's a waitress who works long shifts , and takes any overtime that 's available to her . Dad is a welder . He works long hours , too . We 've always had a warm home and wholesome food , but not a lot of frills . They 've taught me by example to be a hard worker , too . Maybe they think you 're giving them a handout that they don 't deserve . They don 't like to see people who look for handouts , if they think those people could make their own way if they were willing to work hard for what they get . At the same time , though , they give any extra money they have , and a fair amount of time , to charities they believe are worthwhile . " Joshua thought a moment , and then said , " That 's what Lawrence felt they were thinking . He told them his own story , and said he thought they felt a little better . Would you call them for me today , and see what you can learn ? " " Dad and I tell her that all the time , " I said , " but she just blushes and tells us to hush . But I 'm being sincere when I tell her that , and my Dad 's face lights up every time he looks at her , so I know he thinks that too . I just hope you 'll like them . " " Son , " Joshua said , " they sound like our kind of people . I 'm willing to bet that your Mom and Dad are more like Amanda and me than they are different . It sounds like we all have the same basic values . A person 's values are what show their measure , not their bank balance . I only hope we can make them comfortable enough that we can cut through the social strata nonsense and show them who we really are . " Good . I should give you some more information about him and his business so you can sound your best on the phone . What do you say we talk about this over a couple of games of pool ? " " No , young lady , you 're not . You 're not even going to watch . This is going to be guy time . Seth and I need to talk , and you 're not going to sit there distracting him by looking all cute and lovely , and you 're not going to distract me by teasing me about the shots I miss . Go find something else to do , " Joshua said , firmly . Tara put on her best fake pout and said , " Fine , you two boys go play your amateur - style game and do your male - bonding thing . After lunch , I 'll take on the loser , and then I 'll take on the winner , and I 'll teach you both how the game is played . " Still trying to look miffed , she winked at her mother and flounced out of the room . Amanda sighed . " Now look what you 've done . If she doesn 't beat you both this afternoon , she 'll stay up all night practicing so she can squash you both the next time you play . " " Let her , " Joshua laughed . " She 's good , and she knows it , but I 'm the one who taught her how to play . What I didn 't teach her is how to cheat . " " You 're right , I wouldn 't , because she 'd probably catch me . But I do know her weak spots . Seth , let 's go . I need to clue you in on how to put her off guard so you can beat her . " The pool games went well . Josh and I won a game each , and neither of us made it easy for the other . He shared a lot of information about his daughter , not only about her pool - playing skills , but about his relationship with her . It was obvious that he loved her very much . He also coached me about the phone call I was going to make to his client who owned the race car team . By the time 11 o ' clock rolled around , I felt I was ready for my phone interview . Josh took me to his office and placed the call for me . He then gave me a thumbs - up and left the room , closing the door behind him . When I went to the dining room for lunch , the Hawthorne 's were already there . Amanda saw me first . She took one look at my face and bolted out of her chair . She wrapped me in the same kind of embrace my mother gave me when I was made co - captain of the football team in high school . " Oh , Seth , he liked you , didn 't he ? " she squealed . " I guess he did . We were on the phone for over an hour . We asked each other a lot of questions , and we got pretty deep into some electronics tech areas that they know are weak spots for them . I 'm meeting him at the shop the day before New Year 's Eve . I didn 't realize it , but it 's only about an hour from campus , which is great . He 's going to have the entire shop and office crew there to meet me . He said that , technically , he has to interview me in person , but I have the job . " Tara was beaming . She came to me , looked me deep in the eyes , and then , right in front of her parents , embraced me and gave me a big kiss on the lips . " Congratulations , Seth . I 'm so proud of you . This is going to be a great Christmas . " After lunch , Joshua invited me to play pool with him again . This time , Tara was allowed to come along . Amanda decided to join us . Joshua and I played first . We each played aggressively and well . I beat him , mainly because he missed a fairly easy shot . When Amanda laughed at him , Tara scolded her . Amanda said , " Oh honey , your Dad takes his game so seriously , just like everything else he does . He sometimes needs me to help him lighten up . " Joshua said , " Your Mom 's right , sweetheart , sometimes I do get too full of myself , but I figure if it 's worth doing , it 's worth doing right . But it 's nice of you to defend me . I almost want to let you win when we play . " Amanda and I sat next to each other to watch . Halfway through the game , Lawrence knocked politely on the open door . " Please forgive my interruption , but there is a phone call for Mr . Johnson , " he said . " Sir , your father is calling for you . " He handed me a phone , gave us all the hint of a bow , and backed out of the room . " Merry almost - Christmas , son , " my Dad replied . " Your Mom and I just wanted to talk to you . Lawrence and Suzette were here earlier and brought the clothes they measured us for last night . I 've gotta tell you , son , your Mom looks so good in her new outfit , I think I 'll keep her ! " I could hear my Mom laughing in the background , then I could tell they were wrestling for the phone . " Seth , it 's Mom . Your father is as insufferable as always . I certainly hope he can behave himself tomorrow . Seriously , though , I like the way I look in this dress . And the accessories ! That Suzette certainly knows how to pick clothing . And Lawrence managed to make your Dad look even more handsome than he was the day he proposed to me , and that 's saying a lot . Is Dr . Hawthorne anywhere nearby ? I 'd like to talk to her . " Amanda took the phone from me . " Don 't mind my husband . His fragile ego is getting bruised by having his little girl beat him at his favorite game . " Amanda answered , " Of course . But please , call me Amanda . I hear ' Dr . Hawthorne ' all day at work , and sometimes it 's nice to be just plain , old Amanda . " " OK , " my Mom said , " and I 'm Debbie . I wanted to call you to thank you for the wonderful clothes your employees brought for my husband and me . I 've never felt so pampered , and my husband looks fantastic . We don 't know how to thank you enough . " " Just come and have Christmas with us and let us get to know you . That 's all my husband and I ask . You both must be wonderful people , considering the son you 've raised . Joshua and I just adore him . " My Mom said , " We 're pretty proud of him , and we love him more than we can describe , Amanda . And we really want to see him . Do you folks have plans for him tonight , or would he and Tara be able to come over here for the evening ? We 'd really like to meet her , and we 're dying to see him . We haven 't seen our little boy since Thanksgiving . " " Hang on , Debbie , " Amanda said . She covered the phone and held it out to me . " Your Mom and Dad would like you to come home for a visit tonight . They really want to see you . They want you to bring Tara , too . " My Mom heard her and said , " She doesn 't need to help me . She 's our guest . But come whenever you can . Your Dad and I really want to meet her . " " Bad idea , Seth , " Josh laughed . " I taught Tara to drive . That 's when my hair started going gray . Besides , we all know what happened the last time she drove . Don 't you let her near my car keys ! " " Very funny , Dad , " Tara said , giving him a withering stare . " Just for that , watch this . " She sank an incredible shot , landing her last two balls and the 8 - ball in succession , winning the game . " I still say you 're just lucky , " Joshua grumbled . Then he grabbed Tara and hugged her , kissing her on the cheek . " Of course , you had a hell of a teacher . " " Honey , I already told you that I have forgiven you completely for everything . We all have to go through phases in our development to becoming who we really want to be . That was a phase I know you 've given up . We love each other now , so that 's all that matters . " As I knew they would be , my parents were enchanted by Tara . My Dad had a little trouble trying not to stare at her too hard , since she looked great in jeans and a sweater . She had chosen clothes that fit her well , but not too tightly , trying to look casual and attractive , but trying not too show her curves too clearly , out of respect . My Dad is a lot like me , though . His imagination let him guess what she could really look like , and he was damned impressed . At one point , while my Mom and Tara were chatting animatedly about college , I caught him undressing her with his eyes . I grinned at him , shook my head subtly , " No , " pointed at myself , and mouthed the word , " Mine . " He coughed and looked away to hide his laughter . We moved into the kitchen so Mom could work on dinner , and Tara insisted on helping her . Dad and I sat at the table and watched them in silence for a few minutes . Then he motioned me back into the living room . " Seth , he said , how do you really feel about this girl ? " " Well , it seems kind of sudden to me . We talked on the phone every week when you were at school , and you never mentioned her . How could you hold out on your old man about landing a catch like this ? She 's wonderful ! She reminds me a lot of your Mom when she was that age . Same long legs , same great figure , same beautiful face , same penetrating , honest , and if I can get away with saying it , sexy eyes . If she were a brunette , I 'd say she could pass as your Mom 's twin when Debbie was nineteen . The personality , too . God , she has it all . If it weren 't for your Mom , I 'd make a play for her myself ! " " That 's OK , son , I 'm just thinking out loud . I love your mother more than life itself , but I 'm not so old that I can 't look . If you get really serious about this girl , I only hope she ages as well as your mother has . " " Wait until tomorrow until you meet Amanda , Tara 's mother . She has to be about fifty , but she 's still an extremely attractive woman . Even if her appearance doesn 't impress you , and I can 't imagine why it wouldn 't , her warmth and loving personality will make you wish you had known her all your life . Her Dad 's the same way . They could only have one child , Tara , but they always wanted a son , too . I think that may be part of why they 've warmed up to me so fast . Although , actually , I think they 're just really warm people . You and Mom will like them , I 'm sure . They know a little about you , and they 're really anxious to get to know you . " I 've always loved my Mom 's cooking , and the sight and smells of her table always makes me really hungry , but Tara dug in like she was starving to death . After a few minutes of eating in relative silence , my Mom said , " Seth , tell us more about your trip home from school in that storm . I know the roads were really bad , but it seemed like it took you an awfully long time . You didn 't drive your truck here tonight . Did something happen to it that you 're embarrassed to tell us about ? " " Something did happen on our trip home . I knew you could tell that I wasn 't telling you the whole story , but I wasn 't going to try to explain everything to you on the phone . But now that we 're here together , I 'll tell you everything . Please don 't interrupt me , and please hold your judgment until I 'm done . OK ? " My parents both nodded , looking grim , but kept silent as I told them every detail about what happened . I explained how I found Tara in her wrecked car , how we got kidnapped by Zeke and Merle , and about how they tied us up in their cabin . I gave them the whole account of Zeke getting drunk , talking about raping Tara , and holding me at gunpoint while forcing Tara to strip . I told them that , when Zeke was starting to rape Tara , his brother fought with him to stop him . I explained that Merle and Zeke fought while Tara untied me , and told them how Zeke laughed as he stabbed his brother to death with a fireplace poker . My Mom was trying not to cry , and my Dad had a look of rage on his face that I had never seen before . I told them how I shot Zeke twice when he lunged at Tara and me with the poker . At that point , Tara took over . Her face was streaming with silent tears . " Zeke fell over when Seth shot him in the leg , but he was still raging about how he was going to hunt us down and kill us . I was standing there naked , looking at the man who had tried to rape me and who had just seemed to enjoy murdering his own brother , and I knew that , somehow , he would kill Seth and me if we all survived the night . While I was getting dressed , I knew what I had to do . I threw that jug of moonshine at him , and it smashed right between his legs . Then I grabbed a kerosene lamp and dumped it all over him . I made Seth go out and start Zeke 's Jeep , while I watched the flammable liquid ooze across the floor toward the fireplace . I knew what was going to happen , and I felt in my heart that it was just . I cursed Zeke to the fires of Hell , and walked out the door . As we drove away , the cabin burst into flames . " No one moved or spoke for a while . Then my Mom got out of her chair and hugged Tara . They cried on each other 's shoulders for a time . Finally , in a very quiet and gentle voice , my Dad said , " Kids , there was nothing else you could do . You had to save your own lives . I 'm just glad you had the strength and the grace of God to survive that so you could be here today . " I looked up at him , and for the first time in my life , I saw my Dad was crying . That was all it took for me to let go . Through my sobs , I said , " We started driving home , and when Tara could get out on her cell phone , she called her Dad . She wouldn 't tell him what had happened , but she did say we were in a stolen car . He was furious , but she promised to explain it , so he told her where to hide it . A guy met us there and took us to Tara 's house and she told her folks the whole story . Their reaction was about the same as yours . Her Dad disposed of the Jeep . He has friends and associates who are in criminal law , and they investigated everything and assured him that we would be in the clear . The one lawyer said there really wasn 't anything that would hold up in court , anyway . We 're just trying to move on . " Mom had returned to her chair . " My poor baby boy , " she sobbed . " My poor , beautiful little girl ! Why did you have to go through this ? " My Dad had regained his composure by this time . " Debbie , kids , do you remember the adage , ' What doesn 't kill you makes you stronger ' ? I think this is a great example . " Tara nodded . " It certainly has changed me . Seth has shown me that love and compassion are the only things that really matter in this world . Everything else is un - important window - dressing . My parents had raised me to know that , but I had almost forgotten . It took that horrible night to bring me back to reality . The emotional scars from that night may never leave me , but I 'm starting to accept them , because they 've forced me to remember what 's important in life . " Dad said , " Tara , I don 't know if you know this , but I was in Viet Nam . I have some scars from that , both physical and emotional . I would never want to return to that time , but , unlike some of my fellow veterans , I 've healed and grown from the experience . Trust me , I know what you mean . " " So , how was dinner ? " Amanda said to Tara when we walked in . " Fabulous . Her Mom 's a great cook . Their house is really nice . It 's pretty , cozy , and warm . I really like Debbie and Tom . " I said , " My Mom and Dad fell in love with Tara . We talked a lot . Mom and Tara couldn 't stop yakking in the kitchen while they were getting dinner ready , and Dad told me Tara reminds him of Mom when she was Tara 's age . And , we told them the whole story of what happened to us the night we were driving home from school . " " Oh Mom , Daddy , " Tara said , " they were so wonderful . They understood . Tom even shared some of his feelings about his war experiences , which I think was pretty hard for him . They accepted me . " " Now I 'm really anxious to meet them , " Tara 's Dad said . " Speaking of which , Christmas morning is coming pretty soon . We should all get some sleep . We 'll see you kids for breakfast at 7 : 30 . Seth , your folks are going to be here at 11 : 30 , right ? " " Hold on , young man , " Joshua said . " You don 't get away that easily . " He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him in a warm , manly bear hug . " Merry Christmas , son . " Tara 's Mom came up and tapped Joshua on the shoulder , like someone who wanted to cut in on a dancing couple . Joshua released me , and Amanda pulled me to her . " I 'm so glad you 're here with us for Christmas , Seth . I 'm so glad you found Tara and came here to us . I 've always dreamed of waking up to a son on Christmas day . Now you 're here to let me pretend I have one . " She kissed me on both cheeks , and then pulled back just enough to focus , holding my face in her hands . " Thank you , " was all she said , and then she turned away . Tara and I walked hand in hand to the door . When we were in the hall , still in plain view of her folks , she pulled me to her , wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me . " Merry Christmas , honey , " she said in a voice intended for her parents to hear . Then she whispered in my ear , " I 'll be waiting for you . " We went to our own rooms . I quickly changed into the pajamas that were folded neatly on top of my dresser and made my way through our " secret " passage to Tara 's room . She was lying on her side in bed , a royal purple silk sheet drawn over her , her one beautifully shaped shoulder , her exquisite face , and her silky blond hair the only things exposed . When she saw me , she gave me her sultriest smile , but then she started to laugh . " Oh that Suzette and Lawrence ! " she laughed . I wondered about these new sheets when Suzette made up my bed today , and she seemed to be in an especially good mood , but she didn 't say anything . And now you show up in pajamas that match my sheets exactly . Do you think that 's a coincidence ? " When I walked to the side of the bed , Tara got to her knees , exposing her incredible body to me as she removed my pajama top . She kissed my chest , sucking lightly on my nipples . She worked her way up my throat , and then plunged her tongue into my mouth . I held her to me tightly , stroking her sensuous back as we kissed . Eventually , she broke our embrace and pulled my pajama bottoms off my hips . As I stepped out of them , she wrapped her gentle hands around my throbbing cock . " Make love to me , Seth . I want you inside me right now . No delay , no foreplay , no nothing . I 'm so hot and wet for you that I just have to feel you fill me up right away . We have the whole night for play , but right now I just need you inside me . " I crawled up on the bed as she lay back . She positioned the head of my dick at her entrance and guided me inside . She was right . She was so wet that it felt like I had spent a long time preparing her . Although she was very , very tight , I smoothly slid in until our pubic bones met . Holding my upper body weight on my arms , I began to kiss her incredible mouth . Our tongues made love for a long time , while our genitals stayed still , enjoying the feel of our joining . Slowly , subtly , she began to move beneath and around me . We began to move together in a slow , gentle rhythm . I would pull out about halfway , taking my time , and then gradually sink in again to the hilt . Sometimes our movements were more of rocking than a thrusting motion . This wasn 't fucking . It wasn 't having sex . We were making love in every sense of the term . We were almost completely quiet . Neither of us spoke - there was no need . Neither of us moaned , grunted , squealed , or screamed . This wasn 't that kind of sex . For a long time , the only sounds we made were the soft sounds of kissing and the subtle liquid sound of a very wet pussy squeezing a very hard cock . After what seemed like an eternity of bliss , I felt Tara 's muscles begin to gently milk my manhood . We gradually increased the pace of our lovemaking , savoring the pleasure of every stroke . Finally , Tara broke our kiss to whisper , " I love you Seth , I love you . " I could feel her vaginal walls press rhythmically against my shaft as she sighed her way through her orgasm . Before she was done , I could feel myself swelling deep inside her , and I had my own soul - satisfying orgasm . I rolled over on my back , bringing Tara with me . She laid on top of me , holding me inside of her , and began to kiss me again . When she pushed herself up on her arms , I looked deep into her eyes . " I 've never felt anything like that before , Tara . You truly are a goddess . I 'm so deeply in love with you that I can 't begin to understand it . I just know that it 's real , and that 's all that matters , " I said . We drifted off for a while . I awoke to the sensation of wet stroking on my penis . Tara was on her hands and knees at the foot of the bed , licking me awake . " That 's nice , " I said . She paused for a moment . " You must have been tired . Your beautiful prick woke up a couple of minutes ago . I 'm glad the rest of you finally got the message . " She resumed the task she had set out for herself . I lay there watching her . Her long blond hair was tossed over her back so I could see her gorgeous face as she impaled it with my manhood . I propped myself up on my arms so I could see her shapely ass sticking up behind her . She raised her eyes to look at me , her beautiful eyes full of love and lust . She sank onto one elbow , freeing her other hand to reach behind her to play with herself . What an amazing sight ! Tara giggled as she re - positioned herself into the sixty - nine position . I pulled her to me and began to lightly tease her smooth , puffy , outer labia with the tip of my tongue . She was already very moist . Her aroma and flavor begged me to pleasure her with much more vigor than the session we had first had tonight . I separated her outer folds and plunged my tongue inside , licking everything within reach . I curled my tongue and thrust it as deep inside her as I could , sucking her entire pussy with my mouth . Then I tickled and suckled her erect clit with my tongue as I inserted first one , then two fingers deep inside her . Her moaning and squirming let me know that this was what she needed . When I found her g - spot , she abandoned my cock so she could gasp in enough air to supply her body during her orgasm . When she was done , she threw herself off me and collapsed , panting , on the bed beside me . " I thought I was going to pass out ! " she said , still trying to recover . " Just hang on a minute , baby , I 'll get back to you as soon as my head clears ! " I turned in the bed so I could lie next to her and held her in my arms . I kissed and nuzzled her . I played with her hair . I gently caressed her beautiful , firm breasts , lightly teasing her nipples with my fingertips . When they were erect again , I reached behind her and gently stroked and rubbed her smooth , tight asscheeks . Then I reached between her legs so I could let my fingers slither over her still - drenched pussy . She responded by snaking a hand between us to play with my as yet unsatisfied cock and balls . " I 'm so sorry , Seth , I almost forgot that I didn 't finish you . I guess you distracted me , " she said with a naughty giggle . We lay there for awhile , gently stroking and kissing each other . I could tell that she was getting aroused again , even though she said nothing . Suddenly , she pulled away and got on her hands and knees again . She stared at me for a moment wearing an oddly serious expression on her face . Then , a smile began to tug at the corners of her mouth and her eyes began to sparkle . Finally , she murmured , " Doggy , anyone ? " As I positioned myself behind her , she wiggled her butt at me , clenching and unclenching her muscles so that her pussy seemed to wink at me . She reached between her legs to help guide my raging hard - on inside her . As I slid in , she let out a contented moan . " Oh , God , Seth , that 's good . " She let her upper body sink to the bed , twisting so she could look back at me . " Fuck me good and hard , honey , " she said . This time , there was pure animal lust pulling our bodies together . We rutted like dogs in heat , like a mare and a stallion . I pounded into her , and she thrust back against me just as hard . I could reach her one tit , and I tweaked , fondled , and twisted the hard little nipple as I pistoned in and out of her tight pussy . We weren 't quiet this time . We were both grunting and moaning our lust . Our bodies were making loud smacking sounds as they slapped together , and our soaking wet sex made loud , lewd squelching noises . We were able to keep this up for a fair amount of time , but the end was inevitable . All too soon , I felt my juices coming to a boil as my sack smacked over and over against her . I released her tit and reached for her clit , massaging and tweaking it . When her cunt muscles began to pulse on me , she started to make a tortured keening noise . I shoved myself into her as deep as I knew how , feeling myself swell even larger than I had already been . " Cum in me , Seth , cum in me now ! I need it ! " she wailed . Spurt after spurt of hot jizz erupted from me as I roared like a lust - crazed beast . At breakfast , Tara 's parents were strangely subdued . They were warm and friendly , but they almost seemed on edge . Tara finally said , " Mom , Dad , what 's wrong ? " Joshua sighed and looked almost uncomfortable , but said nothing . Finally , Amanda said , " Kids , we 're worried . We 're afraid Seth 's parents won 't like us . We 're worried that they won 't understand us . " " Because we 're afraid that they will think we are too different from them . Some people are very uncomfortable when they are confronted by the trappings of wealth that they don 't have . How can we make them understand that we 're hard - working people who just want to make them feel welcome ? " I spoke up . " Joshua , Amanda , I thought about that too . I was pretty intimidated when I first got here . The mansion , the serving staff , the obvious money … it was a lot for me to process . But now that you 've shown your true selves to me , I don 't really see it so much . I mean , sure , I know that you guys are wealthy , and you live a lifestyle that I never even dreamed of , but when I talk to you , it all disappears . All I see is a great , warm loving family . Let yourselves be yourselves . You 'll see that you two are really a lot like my Mom and Dad . " When Tara and I were there last night , it was pretty obvious that my Mom and Dad fell in love with her . If you let them see how much you love your daughter , too , they 'll focus on that . They love me the same way , so you guys will automatically have some common ground . Just take it from there . " Joshua said , " Thanks , son . I needed to hear that from you . Now , if everyone is done with breakfast , let 's go into the great room . " As we entered the room , Tara let out a squeal of delight . " Oh Mom , Daddy , you did it again ! " The room had been transformed overnight into a Christmas scene like a Norman Rockwell painting . There was a huge tree decorated with antique ornaments . A Christmas village scene was laid out underneath it , complete with houses , shops , snow - covered yards and streets , children sledding , and horse - drawn sleighs . The windows of the room were draped with holly and pine garland , and large , bulging stockings hung at the fireplace . It was beautiful . Amanda said , " We never did much in the way of gifts at Christmas . Usually , we just let Santa fill our stockings . And look , there 's one for each of us . Tara , honey , why don 't you get them down and bring them to us ? " Tara brought each of us our stockings . Amanda emptied hers first . The gifts inside were simple , but personal ( and some , obviously expensive ) . There were gourmet chocolates , perfume , an onyx and jade pen and pencil set , and a pearl necklace with matching earrings . Joshua came over and hugged his daughter . " The truck picked up your vehicles yesterday . There was no fixing your car , so we got you a new one . Merry Christmas , honey . " " Oh Mom , Daddy , thank you ! " Tara cried , her wet eyes beginning to spill tears of joy down her cheeks . " Come on , everyone , let 's go out and see it ! " " Hang on a minute , sweetheart , " Amanda chided her daughter , smiling indulgently . " Let Seth empty his stocking first . Show some manners , young lady . " I pulled out a small box of dark chocolate cherry cordials ( how did they know ? ) , a beautiful wristwatch , a cell phone , and a wrapped box like the ones neckties come in . " A cell phone ! " I exclaimed . " I 've always wanted one ! " Amanda , said , " We put you on our plan . Now you can call your folks and us whenever you want , wherever you are . Since you 're on our plan , there will be no cost to you , no matter how much you talk or text . " I tore off the wrapping paper and opened the box . Inside was something wrapped in layers of tissue paper . I unfolded the paper to find a gas company credit card . " What 's this ? " I asked confused . Just then , another horn blew outside . We looked out the window to see Lawrence climbing out of a shiny , black , four - door , mean - as - hell - looking new pick - up truck . It was tricked out with all the popular accessories . " We leased that truck for you , " Joshua said . " Everything is paid for , including insurance . It may be a little thirsty , though , so the gas card should keep it happy . The bills will come to me . " It was my turn to get excited . I stood up and ran to the window to get a better look . The thing was beautiful . I just stood there and stared . Then I felt Tara pressing herself against my back , her arms going around my waist . " Mom and Daddy asked what you might want , and I said your truck was showing its age . Do you like it ? " I looked back to see Amanda and Joshua beaming at me . " Merry Christmas , son , " they said . " Let 's all get our coats and go get a better look . " " I don 't know what to say . You guys are the best ! " I said . " Thank you ! But I don 't have anything for you . " " Nonsense , " Joshua said . " You already gave us our gift , one that no amount of money could ever buy . You brought our darling daughter home to us , alive and safe . No gift anyone could ever give will be better than that one . Now come on , Tara needs to take her Mom for a ride , and I really want to see what that beast of yours is like . Everyone grab their coats . " Christmas dinner with my parents was a huge success . After some initial nervousness on the part of both couples , they were all talking animatedly with each other . By the time we had our evening meal , a buffet set up in the great room , everyone was behaving as though they had been close friends for many years . We covered a number of topics , including our terrifying night with Zeke and Merle at their cabin . Everyone agreed that Tara and I had handled ourselves in the only way we could . Our mothers both felt that the big tragedy of that night was poor Merle 's death . On a brighter note , I told my folks about the job prospect I had with the race team . It turns out that my Dad knows one of their fabricators , having worked with him about ten years ago . My folks were excited about the idea , once they were convinced that the race team job would be summer employment and an internship , not a substitute for my continuing education . When it got late , I drove my parents home in my new truck , promising to return to the Hawthorne 's the next day for lunch . My folks and I talked long into the night about Tara and her family . Alone in my own bed that night , I slept poorly . I kept reaching out for her , frustrated at not feeling her warm nude body pressed against mine . Tara and I spent the next few days together , visiting old high school friends . The guys were all impressed by my new truck , but much more impressed with my new girlfriend . Tara , too , showed me off to a few of her old girlfriends . We spent a few nights at her house , keeping up the charade of going to our separate bedrooms , followed by me sneaking over to her room . Each night was both passionate and tender . Although we were constantly in heat , we were beginning to realize how deep our love for each other was becoming . Every moment we had to spend apart was agony . Tara drove me to my interview in her car . She had decided to drop me off at the race shop and then head over to campus to look for an apartment . She was going to move out of the sorority house when we got back to school . I was going to keep my dorm room , since it was already under contract . Besides , we thought it would be wise to make everything look good to our folks . I got the job with the race team . I spent my weekends at the shop , learning the operation . During Spring Break , Tara and I traveled with the team to a race , watching the events from the pits . Our car qualified well , but retired about halfway through the event with engine problems . The " post - mortem " on the motor revealed some of the same problems that the team owner had been frustrated with . We knew we had our work cut out for us , but my rapport with some of the shop crew had me hopeful that we could find solutions . Tara 's family and mine grew closer . We spent some summer weekends on the yacht , not as two families and their kids , but more as three couples very much in love . By the time Tara and I returned to school that fall , we had dropped all pretenses , and took an apartment together . Tara and I both graduated with top honors from our college and got accepted to the same university , near the race team 's main shop in North Carolina . She enrolled in their medical school , and I began work on my two master 's degrees . We were both insanely busy with our studies , she spent a lot of time at the hospital , and I worked long hours at the race shop , but we spent every free moment together . Sometimes we were able to fly home on the team jet to spend time with our families . On one of those visits , Tara 's Mom pulled me aside . " Seth , I know that you and Tara are thinking about getting married . Joshua and I have talked about it a lot , and we think it would be the most wonderful thing . When we visit with your Mom and Dad , we talk about it too , and we know that they would be thrilled to have Tara as their daughter - in - law . I also know that you haven 't actually proposed to Tara . " Mom , " I said ( I 'd been calling her and Joshua ' Mom ' and ' Dad ' for a couple of years at this point ) , " I 'm sort of waiting for the right moment . I 'm also saving money for a nice ring . I think I 'd like to propose to Tara at our family Christmas dinner this year . But please , don 't let Tara know . I really want it to be a surprise . " She came back in a moment , holding her one hand behind her . " Josh 's grandmother gave something to me after his grandfather died . She wanted Tara to have it if she ever met the right man . I think she 'll like it . " She held out her hand and handed me an obviously old ring box . I opened it . Inside it was the most beautiful diamond ring I had ever seen . The large center stone was surrounded by a ring of tiny , brilliant diamonds , all in an intricate antique setting of yellow gold . " Mom , it 's beautiful . The gold reminds me of the shine of Tara 's hair , and the diamonds sparkle like her eyes when I tell her how much I love her . It 's perfect . It 's just like her . Mom , it 's just like you . " We had our traditional Christmas morning together in the Hawthorne 's great room . Both our parents were there . We all emptied our stockings and had a great time examining each other 's gifts . When the last stocking had been emptied , I excused myself as though I had to go to the bathroom . When I came back , Joshua winked at me . He knew what I was up to . " Tara , I said , Santa left another stocking . It had a note in it that said , ' For Seth from Santa . Share this with someone you love . ' Why don 't you open it , honey ? " She peeled off the wrapping paper , revealing a small white cardboard box . She opened the box and shook out a tightly wrapped piece of red tissue paper . When she unfolded the paper , her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped . " Oh Seth ! " she cried . I took the ring and placed in on her finger . " I love you . I want to be with you forever . I want you to be my wife . " Tara and I were married the following summer . It was a fairly simple and small ceremony . Her father gave her away . Amanda was her matron of honor and my Mom was her bridesmaid . My Dad was my best man . Our honeymoon was really only a long weekend , because of our work , but we were ecstatic . We spent the entire time in bed , fucking our brains out ! A few days before Christmas that year , we realized that it was the five - year anniversary of the horrible night we had spent in the cabin with the sadistic rapist and murderer , Zeke , and his kind - hearted , gentle giant of a brother , Merle . The weather was clear that day , so we drove along the road until we found the site of their cabin . The dirt road to it was very overgrown , so we parked on the edge of the hard road and hiked through the brush to the ruins of the cabin . It appeared as though the burned - out cabin was undisturbed . Brush and small saplings were growing through the rubble of charred timbers . We said a prayer for poor Merle , and held each other and cried . Five more years passed . I had earned my master 's degrees in both electronics engineering and business management and was now running the engine shop of the race team , which we had moved to North Carolina into a new facility next to the main race shop . Our new driver had just won Rookie - of - the - Year honors , having finished third in season points . Several other teams were now buying their engines from us . Tara was taking a break from her residency in pediatric oncology , awaiting the birth of our first child . Her pregnancy had been fairly uneventful . If possible , she was now even more beautiful than she had been when I first met her . The sight of her swollen body , carrying my son , filled me with more love for her than I could comprehend . The only problem was that we could not decide on a name for the baby . When Tara 's water broke one night , we were so busy getting her to the hospital , that we didn 't even discuss the name then . Her labor was long and painful , but the delivery went well . When the baby was born , we were both impressed by his size . He cried lustily at first , but calmed down immediately when he was place in Tara 's arms . " Look at him , honey , " I said . " He 's so big , and yet so gentle . He already looks like he loves you . Only one name will do for him . " " I know , Seth . You 're right . I 'm surprised we didn 't realize this before . " Turning to look at the doctor , she said , " His name is Merle . " The End Read 62250 times | I love stories like this . Not to much sex and still has a great story line that I could not stop reading . Looking forward to reading more of your stories . I love stories like this . Not to much sex and still has a great story line that I could not stop reading . Looking forward to reading more of your stories .
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Why why why . Why is it the more I love him the more he will destroy me . Because without knowing it he forces my hand to my mouth - to purge , to take laxatives , to eat , to purge I am now completely under the control of my eating disorder again . I would like to pretend that it was only a matter of time - in fact I know it was - but it 's also because of him . Fuck it all , I couldn 't do , I knew I couldn 't do it . The moment I fell I was doomed . I only want to destroy myself for him , because I have fallen in love with him and because I am completely terrified that I will lose him , and I will lose him because he sees - finally wakes up with clear eyes - and sees that I am fat . and ugly . run I broke tonight . Completely broke . Finally . Battered my vocal cords in the pitch black house , chocking on dry vomit that clogged up my insides . Over and over and over again , it had to come out it had to all come out . I had ballooned by 3kg since Friday . Like , no , no . No . I 'm shaking my head . You don 't understand I have to walk by his desk tomorrow , I 'm being interviewed by his boss for a position in their departement . You don 't understand , I have to prove myself , I have to prove that I am more than face value . I have to walk by his desk tomorrow . So I took three laxatives . And then I fucked it all up by eating . Rice , then cereal , shit , must have more cereal , toast as well , make it easier , add in some peanuts . . . and then impossible to get back out . I don 't care if I die bent over this toilet . I didn 't care . The anxiety from Friday hasn 't left me . I just crave Theo now , I crave his warm body , I crave the feeling of him . Shit . I can remember exactly how his body feels beneath my fingertips . I cried my eyes out , hunched over the kitchen sink . I nearly lost everything . and look at me , throwing away everything I was so lucky to earn back . I 'm throwing everything away again . FOR THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER . It won . When he finally arrived it was a while before we spoke to each other , and when we did it was just casual and normal as it would be between any work colleagues . As the evening began to wear on we became more flirty and more separate from the rest of the crowd . He looked gorgeous as ever , his big brown eyes burning into mine and making me so hungry for him . I wanted to hold his hand , wanted to cuddle up close to him , I wanted to kiss him , I wanted to be open about our relationship , but I couldn 't because people that we worked with were around . It killed me . It made me anxious . At one point I turned wild with jealousy when I saw him talking to another girl from my department who I was not friends with and didn 't particularly like . She was just talking to him . I turned flustered and paranoid to Luke , " Look ! He 's flirting with Sarah ! Look ! Fuck him ! " " Woah , woah , Ophelia , calm down , it 's nothing ok , it 's harmless . Listen , you are hot , ok . He 's not going to flirt with other girls . " As the bar started to clear out , I was briefly left behind inside putting on my jacket . Through the windows across the floor I could see Theo outside talking animatedly to Sarah again . The red mist descended immediately and I stood frozen to the spot , glaring at them from afar . A slimy guy approached me and I gave him a foul look . Theo should be with me to stop dickheads like that getting close to me . But no , he wasn 't even thinking about where I was , he was outside talking to that fucking bitch again . I stormed out and grabbed hold of Rhianna 's arm rushing away to follow everyone else walking ahead . " Where are you going ? " She asked , " What about Theo ? " I felt awful . I had overreacted like a jealous , mental , freak . I 'd shown him my true colours . I was the one in the wrong - not him . We left everyone else and walked , finding bars that were still open , kissing , walking , finding fast food to eat . " You look really cute tonight , " he said , " really cute . " He told me that he admired me for the things I had been through . He admired that I was a fighter , he admired that I was so strong . I shook my head . " Look at me , I 'm fucking insecure , I 'm not strong - I pretend . " " You have a really messed up view of men , " he said . " You 've only ever known stereotypical boarding school boys , army boys , lads that see women for one thing . " He was trying to tell me he was not one of them . But I couldn 't believe him . So Friday was the office Christmas Party . Lots of things happened that are blog - worthy , but I will stick to the bear essentials so that I do not have to endure the pain of remembering and analysing too much of this night . Of course I put in all the effort I could to make sure I looked perfect , including running for three hours on an empty stomach the day before and making myself feel immeasurably ill . All evening I just watched him . Became paranoid when I lost him . Avoided talking to him if I could . I just wanted him . I wanted him to come and find me , come and get me , come and claim me . I can 't write about this coherently . Towards the end we were outside talking to one of his friends , James , who was asking about how we managed to keep our relationship separate from work . We didn 't know what to say . At one point my boss had come up to him and explicitly said , " Are you fucking Ophelia ? ! " It was apparent by now that everyone knew . We left the party venue to go to a nearby club in the City . I saw him pause and watch to check that I was coming along with the crowd . I was pleased . But then , when we finally got in to the club he didn 't come in with us . I flipped . I was so angry . He hadn 't come in with me , he was with other people , I didn 't know where he was , had he gone home , had he left without me , how could there be other people he wanted to be with , how could I not be the most important thing for him . I was so angry . He had proved Rhianna right . I was angry because he had proved her right . He didn 't like me enough to stay with me , to claim me . I picked up my phone to text him , " Goodbye , hope you have fun . " I stopped myself and instead wrote , " Are u coming . " He came . ( Of course he fucking came . ) He was just outside , smoking and talking to a group of others - like I had known deep - down all along he was . But the damage was done . I 'd been broken . I ignored him . I was in so much pain . The anxiety had twisted me up into a knot and I was choking . I couldn 't control it , I couldn 't reign it in , I needed him , I needed him all or nothing . I couldn 't control the ridiculous , irrational , anxiety and it was impossible to make me see reason . Theo slowly began to calm me down again and put the smile back on my face . We were outside smoking when the club closed and everyone remaining began to gather outside with us deciding what to do next . Theo knew what I wanted , we had made the decision on Wednesday to stay in a hotel together . And yet he wasn 't making a move to leave them . I got left talking to the dickhead of the office , John , who I had fallen out with one night back in October when he ignorantly made a joke about bulimia . That pushed me over the edge . Fuck Theo . He was doing it again , he wasn 't claiming me . " I 'm going , " I said bluntly to John . And I walked off , tears brimming in my eyes . I wanted Theo , we were supposed to have a lovely night together . Halfway down the road , I stopped . I was being stupid . This behaviour wasn 't going to get me what I wanted . I walked back . I had a missed call from Theo . I was too embarrassed to answer . I walked back over to him . John laughed in my face . I probably swore at him . I ran over to the little shop across the road , intent on buying food to stuff my face . Theo stood outside anxiously watching me . I probably swore at him too . he came inside the shop and I put my hands to my head to agony . " I want to eat . But I can 't . " He took me outside and calmed me down . John was standing across the road staring at us . I was on edge and flipped . Theo was clearly upset by my behaviour and anxiously held on to me as he asked me what was wrong . How hard was it to understand what I needed Theo ? I needed you . I just needed you . He did his best to comfort me , " You 're so gorgeous , how do you not see that ? " I couldn 't even laugh , I just hung my head with sadness . It was - it is - incredibly sad , that a guy can sit there , hold her hand , care about her , tell her she is beautiful , believe that she is beautiful , and yet the girl he speaks to is fighting back the tears because she cannot believe him . When we got back to the hotel , I was still incredibly tense and anxious . I looked in the mirror and saw the ugliness . I wanted to smash it , I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry . But I would spoil everything . my memory is patchy now . We had sex , but then I fell apart . I cried . Fuck it , I cried in front of him again . I turned away and refused to explain why I was so upset . I think I told him something about being really insecure . I can 't remember . I probably told him it doesn 't matter , he wouldn 't understand . Nothing . It 's nothing . All I could think about was how ugly I was , and how he had seen that now , especially now I had cried . I woke up in the morning feeling cold , empty and horribly sober . I peeled myself out from underneath his arm and hid my face as I ran off to the bathroom to shower and fix the damage . I banged and crashed around the bathroom , still full of anger , huffing and puffing like a spoilt child , anxious in case he woke up and saw my face . With sober eyes it really wasn 't that bad . I remembered my behaviour last night and felt cold . This was how I lost Alex . Exactly the same . That morning with him I had woken up insecure about the way I looked and acted like a spoilt child who hadn 't got her way . I had hidden away and refused to go to breakfast with him . I had done the same with Theo . I had gotten insecure because he ( understandably and naturally ! ) hadn 't stayed by my side all night and I had cried , run off down the road , come back and acted like an insecure freak . I crept back into bed silently , full of shame . His back was turned to me . It broke my heart . His back was turned to me the way Alex 's back had been turned to me on the morning when our relationship had come crashing down . I looked at Theo 's cold back and knew that I had lost him . I had lost him because of my insecure , irrational and childish behaviour - exactly the same way that I had lost Alex . I cuddled up to him and tried to get him to put his arm around me again . He wouldn 't . He was fast asleep . I needed him to wake up , I needed to know that it was all ok . I had no one but myself to blame . Theo had done nothing wrong . It was my insecurity that had painted him as the bad guy . I had acted completely out of line when all he had done was act normal and kind to me . I slowly woke him up with kisses - maybe I can cure this with sex , I thought - maybe I can pretend like nothing happened , maybe he will not remember , maybe I can say that someone else upset me , that there was a reason for it which had nothing to do with him , or with me being mental . Somehow , thank God , it was alright . I apologised and everything went back to normal . I hadn 't lost him , he wasn 't cold to me , he was lovely , I still had him . We laughed and talked and played and had the most perfect sex , thank God , thank God . It was alright . It is still going to be alright though ? I don 't know . He won 't forget the way I behaved . He won 't forget the tears rolling down my cheeks and the pain that was reflected in them . He 's smart in the way that he sees these things . Later he asked me again if I was completely over my eating disorder . I told him again that I was , yes , but it was going to be something that I would always have to fight . " You saw what happened last night . Sometimes I have a bad moment and I have to fight the insecurities again . That will never go away . I will never wake up and love what I see , I will always have to fight this . " Ultimately , I nearly lost him because of my insecurity and my eating disorder . If I learnt anything from my relationship with Alex it is that I cannot hide my problems from someone forever . They will find out because it will come out , and they will not be able to handle what they see . Friday night was proof that I still do not have control over my anxiety and irrational , insecure behaviour . And I have got to get a grip . I have got to work hard to fight it . I cannot brush this under the carpet any longer . I cannot be an actress on a stage for one night at a time . If I want anything more with Theo I will have to drop the act because I could never hold out a long term role like that . So , I either let him see the real , broken , torn and unhappy side of me and the horrible , sick world I live in ; or I stop behaving like a reckless hedonist and mend , and heal and become a real human girl in a real human world . While I sit in bed at my laptop writing this , he is probably sitting in bed analysing everything as well . I only have myself to blame if he comes to a logical conclusion and walks away . In a crazy way , I probably acted as badly as I did on Friday because I realised that I was falling in love with him . I am . I 'm falling in love with Theo . And that makes me petrified , because the logical conclusion . . . is not a pretty one . If he doesn 't ruin it , I will . It nearly didn 't happen . Millie and Rhianna spent all of Tuesday trying to convince me that Theo didn 't really like me . I was devastated and broken , but mostly I was angry . How dare they tell me who I should or shouldn 't date , telling me that I 'm nothing to him , just another girl he can fuck , that he should be behaving in a way that they deem more appropriate , chasing me like a lovesick puppy . I was furious and my self - esteem was in shatters again . Sure , he was rubbish at replying to my messages and never gushed his feelings towards me , but I 'd only really known the guy a few weeks ! They sat me down and told me that taking him out on Friday would be a terrible mistake because he didn 't like me and would only hurt me . But I am a rebel . I rebel against anyone who tells me what to do , and my God , thank goodness that I do ! I remembered the way we had talked for hours , I remembered the way we had laughed , I remembered he had made me feel something I hadn 't felt for such a long time . He carried on , " I don 't know why you worry about your weight , your body is perfect , don 't ever change . You look gorgeous tonight . You must know you do . " I made it clear that this surprise night out and hotel was a Christmas present , but he still made the gesture to take me to a restaurant for dinner during the night and then out to lunch the next morning . We sat down to lunch at 12 noon and stayed in the same seats for 7 hours straight . Its incredible to say , but the time just passed so fast and so wonderfully as we talked and talked , learning about each other . I took a deep breath and nodded slowly . I trusted him now , I had let him in , he knew me and he cared about me . So I nodded and told him about my eating disorder - I explained where I had been since I graduated , why I had left London , how long I was in treatment . He took it so well , never saying a word to interrupt me , just remaining so sincere and kind . He let me in too - he let me see the softer side of him , the gentle sensitiveness that he kept hidden to the rest of the world . I felt like even though he knew nothing about eating disorders , he understood , he was different . I saw the way he looked at me had changed . I wasn 't just some pretty girl to him . I wasn 't even just some pretty , intelligent girl or just some pretty , intelligent and fun girl . He did something that Alex had never been able to do - he looked at me and saw all my scars , my bruises , my battle wounds - and he saw that they had made me beautiful inside . I always said about Alex that I was beautiful in ways he could never understand until he experienced pain - and it was true - what makes me so beautiful and special is the side of me that I can express here , my head full of beauty , my heart full of love , my body full of scars . Alex had never felt my beauty . He was cold , scientific and unemotional . Theo is not like that . Intelligent , masculine , practical , yes , all those things that Alex was , and yet still capable of looking at me in a way I 'd never seen anyone look at me before . He looked at me like I was beautiful - inside . I should feel bad for lying to his face . But I don 't . I will not let my eating disorder ruin what I have with Theo . I will lose him if he knows , just as I lost Alex , and lost every other guy I 'd ever liked . People can 't handle it . Millie and Rhianna had been calling me all day and I didn 't answer them . When I finally picked up my phone , Rhianna shouted out me and told me I was out of order for ignoring them when I was Theo . I put the phone down and burst into tears , turning away from him so he couldn 't see my face . " I 'm sorry , " I said " I have to go . " They were making me go out to Public in Chelsea with Millie 's boyfriend and his friends . After everything we had talked about - my illness , my Mum , my circumstances , I only finally burst into tears when Rhianna spoke to me like I was a piece of shit over the phone in front of him . He pulled me close at the tube station as we said goodbye and kissed me tenderly . He thanked me again , and I smiled , " You 're so welcome , I 'm glad you had a good time . " I was so angry and hurt and upset by the way Rhianna had spoken to me on the phone . I went home , stuffed my face , threw up , put on a little tea dress and flats and went to meet them . As I walked over Millie looked at me in poorly disguised horror . Everyone else was dressed up to the overdone maximum . I shrugged , sure I felt like crap but I was making a point . I wasn 't here to attract a bunch of random men I didn 't give a fuck about . I wasn 't going to make her happy by getting with someone she deemed more appropriate . " I 'm bring Jimmy 's single friends for you to meet , ' Real men ' , " she had said . Real fucking men ? I wasn 't attracted to a single one , there wasn 't one under the age of 29 . Who did she think she was trying to tell me what was good or bad about a guy . She had treated Theo so unfairly considering she didn 't even know him at all and made both me and him feel like shit . I made friends with ' the mean girls ' , what did I expect . Rhianna spent all of today telling me how hot the guy she got with was and how skinny everyone kept saying she was . Even Millie 's boyfriend was lusting after her ' body of a 6 year old ' . I went to my therapist yesterday for my last ' follow up ' session since leaving treatment in June . And as a result I am now going back into treatment again . Sad isn 't it . I couldn 't get better , I still treat my body like shit , I still have no control over my bulimia , I still want to be thin more than anything else . I will find out later this week if I have to go to the bottom of the waiting list again or if I can start straight away . It is our work Christmas Party on Friday , and that date - Friday 16th December - is ruling my life . I am petrified and sick inside at the idea of looking fat and ugly especially standing next to my two ultra - gorgeous , ultra - stick - thin friends . I will be the ugly , fat brunette one . I ended my friendship with Rob in the office because he was bad for my recovery and self - esteem . I have to put myself first again , I have to stay away from people that make me feel like shit about " What do you want from me Ophelia ? " The only time Theo and I ever really come into contact at work is when our teams have our Friday afternoon meeting . This Friday was no exception , and because I had taken the morning off , I also indulged in the luxury of having a blow dry at a hair salon near to the office . He had turned down a date with me and ignored me this week , so I had to make sure that when he saw me in this meeting I blew his little public schoolboy socks off . Hoping that I did , I checked my phone again after the meeting was over , just like I had been checking it incessantly all week , in the hope that he would have seen sense and would text to ask me out . Nothing . So I decided to thow my dignity out of the window and text him one last time . Rhianna and I decided to go out for a drink after work , and as I waited for her by the lifts I saw the group of them leave : Theo , Cassio and two other guys from their department . A cheeky glint formed in my eye . ' Let 's go find them ' , I suggested to Rhianna . She grinned and agreed , knowing the fun that could ensue . . . The office boys always stuck to the same Friday night watering holes so it was easy to find them . Overcome and giggling like schoolgirls we bought our drinks and settled in another area , chatting comfortably . Once an acceptable amount of time had passed we went over and started chatting to them , pretending to be surprised to bump into them . It was all fine , all normal , all fun . Me and Theo were easy and normal , but we quickly broke away from the group . As we smoked outside one of the other guys , James , came out to join us . " I 'll be gone in a minute " , he said to us jokingly , " and leave you two to your sexual tension " . Assuming that he already knew and Theo had told him , I pretended to cheekily laugh it off . " Haha , what ! I have no idea what you 're talking about ! " As the bar started to close up , we decided to move on to a club in The City called Abacus . Theo was already very drunk . We lost Rhianna and Cassio briefly , and as we waited for James by the toilets , Theo finally forgot his inhibitions , pulled me close and kissed me . James came out and saw and ran off from us , grinning but slightly embarrassed . I shrugged at Theo , oh well ! The rest of the night was somewhat awkward , Theo and I were blatantly together and Cassio was there to witness me with my arm tightly and comfortably around him . I should have felt bad , but I didn 't . I didn 't like Cassio , and now that he knew the type of girl I was , there was no way he would like me either . He already hated Theo , so it all made very little difference . It was great being with him . He made me feel so happy and so bright . I loved holding his hand , I loved his hands on me , I loved having his body close . " Ok , I understand . But listen , work is work , it 's completely separate to your social and personal life . At work we are just colleagues who barely see each other , outside work , we can be whatever we want . " After everyone else had left the bar , Theo and I chilled for a little longer , kissing in a seating area downstairs . Eventually as this club began to close up as well , we left and began walking North . We both knew what we wanted , and although I wanted it more than anything , I found it impossible to admit . He walked me to an open newsagent so I could buy some chocolate . As usual , I hadn 't eaten all day and was in desperate need of something to give me energy . As we walked past the same hotel we had stayed in two weeks ago , we stopped and lingered . " Let 's just do it , " I said . I paid for the room and in we went . In the morning it was the same . Sex , conversations and laughter . We play - fighted and laughed like people who had known each other for years . He talked to me about work , economics , education . We sat in bed looking at my ' Introduction to the Financial Markets ' textbook as he explained yield curves to me . We laughed and joked about silly , childish things . We talked about things so effortless that I can 't even remember what they were . I melted inside . Of course he was exaggerating , but it meant so much . He liked my body . It was worth it , everything I had done , all the running , all the pain , all the time , all the effort . He will never know how much it meant to me that he lay in bed with me and my naked body and adored it in the way he did . We stopped by a really cute , cosy place which did homely British food . He had a burger and chips while I tucked into a fish pie and chips . I smiled the whole way through , not caring about my expanding waistline , but enjoying the lovely warm food and flavours , and of course , enjoying his company most of all . Even when we had finished eating and paid and the restaurant began to clear out around us , we stayed chatting incessantly . It was 4 . 30pm when I finally had to tell him I needed to leave and go home . After we had finished eating , at every next moment , I expected him to say we should get going and leave . But he didn 't , he just sat there , happy being with me . It meant the world to me that he did that . It 's not just sex . It 's more . And that makes me smile . We sat there talking while the restaurant cleared out and emptied around us , until we were the only table left . I never want him to know about my eating disorder . He can know it was in my past but I never want him to know about the shit I do now . I don 't want what destroyed my relationship with Alex to destroy what I have with Theo . So I 'm seeing him again on Friday . I 'm surprising him - It 's his Christmas present . I 'm taking him to a restaurant at one of the best hotels in Mayfair and have booked a room for us to stay there afterwards . I want a date where I can dress up and pretend to be rich and glamorous for a day . So yes , while I am blowing loads of money on him , I 'm also blowing loads of money on treating myself to having my own little fantasy come true as well . It 's going to be magnificent . I 'm going to feel like a rich princess for an evening . Of course it would be a little more perfect if it was a surprise that he had planned and he was paying for , but that 's slightly irrelevant . My only fear is that he might be overwhelmed and run from me thinking that I 'm too in love with him or something . Millie called me once I had left Theo on Saturday afternoon and shouted at me . She doesn 't think that he likes me because he wouldn 't give me an answer about our next date and she believes that he should be the one chasing me . She told me I made a big mistake in sleeping with him for a second time and that I was goning to get hurt . I know she said those things because she cares about me , but at the same time she doesn 't understand who I am and my philosophy on life . I might die tomorrow . I can 't take my money with me , so I 'm gonna spend it all on looking my best and having the time of my life . What happened with Theo on Friday made me happy . I felt so alive and was smiling from the heart . Next Friday is gonna cost me well over £ 400 but I don 't care because I 'm gonna have the time of my life . I don 't live for the future , I live for the moment . I live for the extreme highs . I do not do mediocre in - between . Of course this week is gonna be intense because I 'm gonna have to look my absolute thinnest and absolute best for Friday night . But you know , when I 'm doing it for something like this - for someone who I know appreciates it - it 's enjoyable . I love it . Burning calories becomes my ultimate high because I know how thrilling and wonderful it will feel when he sees me looking stunning on Friday . No feeling compares to that . I thoroughly agree . It has made me the happiest girl in the world to be told the things that Theo told me , and to be told them by Theo , because his opinion means everything to me . It makes my eating disorder a happy thing , that gave me happiness , and will give me even more . In my job in The City I am polished and corporate , bright and confident . I present The City Girl Image my company and clients expect . Here on the pages of this blog I am The City Girl Made of Glass - fragile and transparent . Come and see what it 's like on the inside . . . . The most important thing is not to think very much about oneself . To investigate candidly the charge ; but not fussily , not very anxiously . On no account to retaliate by going to the other extreme - - thinking too much . Virginia Woolf .
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Why why why . Why is it the more I love him the more he will destroy me . Because without knowing it he forces my hand to my mouth - to purge , to take laxatives , to eat , to purge I am now completely under the control of my eating disorder again . I would like to pretend that it was only a matter of time - in fact I know it was - but it 's also because of him . Fuck it all , I couldn 't do , I knew I couldn 't do it . The moment I fell I was doomed . I only want to destroy myself for him , because I have fallen in love with him and because I am completely terrified that I will lose him , and I will lose him because he sees - finally wakes up with clear eyes - and sees that I am fat . and ugly . run I broke tonight . Completely broke . Finally . Battered my vocal cords in the pitch black house , chocking on dry vomit that clogged up my insides . Over and over and over again , it had to come out it had to all come out . I had ballooned by 3kg since Friday . Like , no , no . No . I 'm shaking my head . You don 't understand I have to walk by his desk tomorrow , I 'm being interviewed by his boss for a position in their departement . You don 't understand , I have to prove myself , I have to prove that I am more than face value . I have to walk by his desk tomorrow . So I took three laxatives . And then I fucked it all up by eating . Rice , then cereal , shit , must have more cereal , toast as well , make it easier , add in some peanuts . . . and then impossible to get back out . I don 't care if I die bent over this toilet . I didn 't care . The anxiety from Friday hasn 't left me . I just crave Theo now , I crave his warm body , I crave the feeling of him . Shit . I can remember exactly how his body feels beneath my fingertips . I cried my eyes out , hunched over the kitchen sink . I nearly lost everything . and look at me , throwing away everything I was so lucky to earn back . I 'm throwing everything away again . FOR THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER . It won . When he finally arrived it was a while before we spoke to each other , and when we did it was just casual and normal as it would be between any work colleagues . As the evening began to wear on we became more flirty and more separate from the rest of the crowd . He looked gorgeous as ever , his big brown eyes burning into mine and making me so hungry for him . I wanted to hold his hand , wanted to cuddle up close to him , I wanted to kiss him , I wanted to be open about our relationship , but I couldn 't because people that we worked with were around . It killed me . It made me anxious . At one point I turned wild with jealousy when I saw him talking to another girl from my department who I was not friends with and didn 't particularly like . She was just talking to him . I turned flustered and paranoid to Luke , " Look ! He 's flirting with Sarah ! Look ! Fuck him ! " " Woah , woah , Ophelia , calm down , it 's nothing ok , it 's harmless . Listen , you are hot , ok . He 's not going to flirt with other girls . " As the bar started to clear out , I was briefly left behind inside putting on my jacket . Through the windows across the floor I could see Theo outside talking animatedly to Sarah again . The red mist descended immediately and I stood frozen to the spot , glaring at them from afar . A slimy guy approached me and I gave him a foul look . Theo should be with me to stop dickheads like that getting close to me . But no , he wasn 't even thinking about where I was , he was outside talking to that fucking bitch again . I stormed out and grabbed hold of Rhianna 's arm rushing away to follow everyone else walking ahead . " Where are you going ? " She asked , " What about Theo ? " I felt awful . I had overreacted like a jealous , mental , freak . I 'd shown him my true colours . I was the one in the wrong - not him . We left everyone else and walked , finding bars that were still open , kissing , walking , finding fast food to eat . " You look really cute tonight , " he said , " really cute . " He told me that he admired me for the things I had been through . He admired that I was a fighter , he admired that I was so strong . I shook my head . " Look at me , I 'm fucking insecure , I 'm not strong - I pretend . " " You have a really messed up view of men , " he said . " You 've only ever known stereotypical boarding school boys , army boys , lads that see women for one thing . " He was trying to tell me he was not one of them . But I couldn 't believe him . So Friday was the office Christmas Party . Lots of things happened that are blog - worthy , but I will stick to the bear essentials so that I do not have to endure the pain of remembering and analysing too much of this night . Of course I put in all the effort I could to make sure I looked perfect , including running for three hours on an empty stomach the day before and making myself feel immeasurably ill . All evening I just watched him . Became paranoid when I lost him . Avoided talking to him if I could . I just wanted him . I wanted him to come and find me , come and get me , come and claim me . I can 't write about this coherently . Towards the end we were outside talking to one of his friends , James , who was asking about how we managed to keep our relationship separate from work . We didn 't know what to say . At one point my boss had come up to him and explicitly said , " Are you fucking Ophelia ? ! " It was apparent by now that everyone knew . We left the party venue to go to a nearby club in the City . I saw him pause and watch to check that I was coming along with the crowd . I was pleased . But then , when we finally got in to the club he didn 't come in with us . I flipped . I was so angry . He hadn 't come in with me , he was with other people , I didn 't know where he was , had he gone home , had he left without me , how could there be other people he wanted to be with , how could I not be the most important thing for him . I was so angry . He had proved Rhianna right . I was angry because he had proved her right . He didn 't like me enough to stay with me , to claim me . I picked up my phone to text him , " Goodbye , hope you have fun . " I stopped myself and instead wrote , " Are u coming . " He came . ( Of course he fucking came . ) He was just outside , smoking and talking to a group of others - like I had known deep - down all along he was . But the damage was done . I 'd been broken . I ignored him . I was in so much pain . The anxiety had twisted me up into a knot and I was choking . I couldn 't control it , I couldn 't reign it in , I needed him , I needed him all or nothing . I couldn 't control the ridiculous , irrational , anxiety and it was impossible to make me see reason . Theo slowly began to calm me down again and put the smile back on my face . We were outside smoking when the club closed and everyone remaining began to gather outside with us deciding what to do next . Theo knew what I wanted , we had made the decision on Wednesday to stay in a hotel together . And yet he wasn 't making a move to leave them . I got left talking to the dickhead of the office , John , who I had fallen out with one night back in October when he ignorantly made a joke about bulimia . That pushed me over the edge . Fuck Theo . He was doing it again , he wasn 't claiming me . " I 'm going , " I said bluntly to John . And I walked off , tears brimming in my eyes . I wanted Theo , we were supposed to have a lovely night together . Halfway down the road , I stopped . I was being stupid . This behaviour wasn 't going to get me what I wanted . I walked back . I had a missed call from Theo . I was too embarrassed to answer . I walked back over to him . John laughed in my face . I probably swore at him . I ran over to the little shop across the road , intent on buying food to stuff my face . Theo stood outside anxiously watching me . I probably swore at him too . he came inside the shop and I put my hands to my head to agony . " I want to eat . But I can 't . " He took me outside and calmed me down . John was standing across the road staring at us . I was on edge and flipped . Theo was clearly upset by my behaviour and anxiously held on to me as he asked me what was wrong . How hard was it to understand what I needed Theo ? I needed you . I just needed you . He did his best to comfort me , " You 're so gorgeous , how do you not see that ? " I couldn 't even laugh , I just hung my head with sadness . It was - it is - incredibly sad , that a guy can sit there , hold her hand , care about her , tell her she is beautiful , believe that she is beautiful , and yet the girl he speaks to is fighting back the tears because she cannot believe him . When we got back to the hotel , I was still incredibly tense and anxious . I looked in the mirror and saw the ugliness . I wanted to smash it , I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry . But I would spoil everything . my memory is patchy now . We had sex , but then I fell apart . I cried . Fuck it , I cried in front of him again . I turned away and refused to explain why I was so upset . I think I told him something about being really insecure . I can 't remember . I probably told him it doesn 't matter , he wouldn 't understand . Nothing . It 's nothing . All I could think about was how ugly I was , and how he had seen that now , especially now I had cried . I woke up in the morning feeling cold , empty and horribly sober . I peeled myself out from underneath his arm and hid my face as I ran off to the bathroom to shower and fix the damage . I banged and crashed around the bathroom , still full of anger , huffing and puffing like a spoilt child , anxious in case he woke up and saw my face . With sober eyes it really wasn 't that bad . I remembered my behaviour last night and felt cold . This was how I lost Alex . Exactly the same . That morning with him I had woken up insecure about the way I looked and acted like a spoilt child who hadn 't got her way . I had hidden away and refused to go to breakfast with him . I had done the same with Theo . I had gotten insecure because he ( understandably and naturally ! ) hadn 't stayed by my side all night and I had cried , run off down the road , come back and acted like an insecure freak . I crept back into bed silently , full of shame . His back was turned to me . It broke my heart . His back was turned to me the way Alex 's back had been turned to me on the morning when our relationship had come crashing down . I looked at Theo 's cold back and knew that I had lost him . I had lost him because of my insecure , irrational and childish behaviour - exactly the same way that I had lost Alex . I cuddled up to him and tried to get him to put his arm around me again . He wouldn 't . He was fast asleep . I needed him to wake up , I needed to know that it was all ok . I had no one but myself to blame . Theo had done nothing wrong . It was my insecurity that had painted him as the bad guy . I had acted completely out of line when all he had done was act normal and kind to me . I slowly woke him up with kisses - maybe I can cure this with sex , I thought - maybe I can pretend like nothing happened , maybe he will not remember , maybe I can say that someone else upset me , that there was a reason for it which had nothing to do with him , or with me being mental . Somehow , thank God , it was alright . I apologised and everything went back to normal . I hadn 't lost him , he wasn 't cold to me , he was lovely , I still had him . We laughed and talked and played and had the most perfect sex , thank God , thank God . It was alright . It is still going to be alright though ? I don 't know . He won 't forget the way I behaved . He won 't forget the tears rolling down my cheeks and the pain that was reflected in them . He 's smart in the way that he sees these things . Later he asked me again if I was completely over my eating disorder . I told him again that I was , yes , but it was going to be something that I would always have to fight . " You saw what happened last night . Sometimes I have a bad moment and I have to fight the insecurities again . That will never go away . I will never wake up and love what I see , I will always have to fight this . " Ultimately , I nearly lost him because of my insecurity and my eating disorder . If I learnt anything from my relationship with Alex it is that I cannot hide my problems from someone forever . They will find out because it will come out , and they will not be able to handle what they see . Friday night was proof that I still do not have control over my anxiety and irrational , insecure behaviour . And I have got to get a grip . I have got to work hard to fight it . I cannot brush this under the carpet any longer . I cannot be an actress on a stage for one night at a time . If I want anything more with Theo I will have to drop the act because I could never hold out a long term role like that . So , I either let him see the real , broken , torn and unhappy side of me and the horrible , sick world I live in ; or I stop behaving like a reckless hedonist and mend , and heal and become a real human girl in a real human world . While I sit in bed at my laptop writing this , he is probably sitting in bed analysing everything as well . I only have myself to blame if he comes to a logical conclusion and walks away . In a crazy way , I probably acted as badly as I did on Friday because I realised that I was falling in love with him . I am . I 'm falling in love with Theo . And that makes me petrified , because the logical conclusion . . . is not a pretty one . If he doesn 't ruin it , I will . It nearly didn 't happen . Millie and Rhianna spent all of Tuesday trying to convince me that Theo didn 't really like me . I was devastated and broken , but mostly I was angry . How dare they tell me who I should or shouldn 't date , telling me that I 'm nothing to him , just another girl he can fuck , that he should be behaving in a way that they deem more appropriate , chasing me like a lovesick puppy . I was furious and my self - esteem was in shatters again . Sure , he was rubbish at replying to my messages and never gushed his feelings towards me , but I 'd only really known the guy a few weeks ! They sat me down and told me that taking him out on Friday would be a terrible mistake because he didn 't like me and would only hurt me . But I am a rebel . I rebel against anyone who tells me what to do , and my God , thank goodness that I do ! I remembered the way we had talked for hours , I remembered the way we had laughed , I remembered he had made me feel something I hadn 't felt for such a long time . He carried on , " I don 't know why you worry about your weight , your body is perfect , don 't ever change . You look gorgeous tonight . You must know you do . " I made it clear that this surprise night out and hotel was a Christmas present , but he still made the gesture to take me to a restaurant for dinner during the night and then out to lunch the next morning . We sat down to lunch at 12 noon and stayed in the same seats for 7 hours straight . Its incredible to say , but the time just passed so fast and so wonderfully as we talked and talked , learning about each other . I took a deep breath and nodded slowly . I trusted him now , I had let him in , he knew me and he cared about me . So I nodded and told him about my eating disorder - I explained where I had been since I graduated , why I had left London , how long I was in treatment . He took it so well , never saying a word to interrupt me , just remaining so sincere and kind . He let me in too - he let me see the softer side of him , the gentle sensitiveness that he kept hidden to the rest of the world . I felt like even though he knew nothing about eating disorders , he understood , he was different . I saw the way he looked at me had changed . I wasn 't just some pretty girl to him . I wasn 't even just some pretty , intelligent girl or just some pretty , intelligent and fun girl . He did something that Alex had never been able to do - he looked at me and saw all my scars , my bruises , my battle wounds - and he saw that they had made me beautiful inside . I always said about Alex that I was beautiful in ways he could never understand until he experienced pain - and it was true - what makes me so beautiful and special is the side of me that I can express here , my head full of beauty , my heart full of love , my body full of scars . Alex had never felt my beauty . He was cold , scientific and unemotional . Theo is not like that . Intelligent , masculine , practical , yes , all those things that Alex was , and yet still capable of looking at me in a way I 'd never seen anyone look at me before . He looked at me like I was beautiful - inside . I should feel bad for lying to his face . But I don 't . I will not let my eating disorder ruin what I have with Theo . I will lose him if he knows , just as I lost Alex , and lost every other guy I 'd ever liked . People can 't handle it . Millie and Rhianna had been calling me all day and I didn 't answer them . When I finally picked up my phone , Rhianna shouted out me and told me I was out of order for ignoring them when I was Theo . I put the phone down and burst into tears , turning away from him so he couldn 't see my face . " I 'm sorry , " I said " I have to go . " They were making me go out to Public in Chelsea with Millie 's boyfriend and his friends . After everything we had talked about - my illness , my Mum , my circumstances , I only finally burst into tears when Rhianna spoke to me like I was a piece of shit over the phone in front of him . He pulled me close at the tube station as we said goodbye and kissed me tenderly . He thanked me again , and I smiled , " You 're so welcome , I 'm glad you had a good time . " I was so angry and hurt and upset by the way Rhianna had spoken to me on the phone . I went home , stuffed my face , threw up , put on a little tea dress and flats and went to meet them . As I walked over Millie looked at me in poorly disguised horror . Everyone else was dressed up to the overdone maximum . I shrugged , sure I felt like crap but I was making a point . I wasn 't here to attract a bunch of random men I didn 't give a fuck about . I wasn 't going to make her happy by getting with someone she deemed more appropriate . " I 'm bring Jimmy 's single friends for you to meet , ' Real men ' , " she had said . Real fucking men ? I wasn 't attracted to a single one , there wasn 't one under the age of 29 . Who did she think she was trying to tell me what was good or bad about a guy . She had treated Theo so unfairly considering she didn 't even know him at all and made both me and him feel like shit . I made friends with ' the mean girls ' , what did I expect . Rhianna spent all of today telling me how hot the guy she got with was and how skinny everyone kept saying she was . Even Millie 's boyfriend was lusting after her ' body of a 6 year old ' . I went to my therapist yesterday for my last ' follow up ' session since leaving treatment in June . And as a result I am now going back into treatment again . Sad isn 't it . I couldn 't get better , I still treat my body like shit , I still have no control over my bulimia , I still want to be thin more than anything else . I will find out later this week if I have to go to the bottom of the waiting list again or if I can start straight away . It is our work Christmas Party on Friday , and that date - Friday 16th December - is ruling my life . I am petrified and sick inside at the idea of looking fat and ugly especially standing next to my two ultra - gorgeous , ultra - stick - thin friends . I will be the ugly , fat brunette one . I ended my friendship with Rob in the office because he was bad for my recovery and self - esteem . I have to put myself first again , I have to stay away from people that make me feel like shit about " What do you want from me Ophelia ? " The only time Theo and I ever really come into contact at work is when our teams have our Friday afternoon meeting . This Friday was no exception , and because I had taken the morning off , I also indulged in the luxury of having a blow dry at a hair salon near to the office . He had turned down a date with me and ignored me this week , so I had to make sure that when he saw me in this meeting I blew his little public schoolboy socks off . Hoping that I did , I checked my phone again after the meeting was over , just like I had been checking it incessantly all week , in the hope that he would have seen sense and would text to ask me out . Nothing . So I decided to thow my dignity out of the window and text him one last time . Rhianna and I decided to go out for a drink after work , and as I waited for her by the lifts I saw the group of them leave : Theo , Cassio and two other guys from their department . A cheeky glint formed in my eye . ' Let 's go find them ' , I suggested to Rhianna . She grinned and agreed , knowing the fun that could ensue . . . The office boys always stuck to the same Friday night watering holes so it was easy to find them . Overcome and giggling like schoolgirls we bought our drinks and settled in another area , chatting comfortably . Once an acceptable amount of time had passed we went over and started chatting to them , pretending to be surprised to bump into them . It was all fine , all normal , all fun . Me and Theo were easy and normal , but we quickly broke away from the group . As we smoked outside one of the other guys , James , came out to join us . " I 'll be gone in a minute " , he said to us jokingly , " and leave you two to your sexual tension " . Assuming that he already knew and Theo had told him , I pretended to cheekily laugh it off . " Haha , what ! I have no idea what you 're talking about ! " As the bar started to close up , we decided to move on to a club in The City called Abacus . Theo was already very drunk . We lost Rhianna and Cassio briefly , and as we waited for James by the toilets , Theo finally forgot his inhibitions , pulled me close and kissed me . James came out and saw and ran off from us , grinning but slightly embarrassed . I shrugged at Theo , oh well ! The rest of the night was somewhat awkward , Theo and I were blatantly together and Cassio was there to witness me with my arm tightly and comfortably around him . I should have felt bad , but I didn 't . I didn 't like Cassio , and now that he knew the type of girl I was , there was no way he would like me either . He already hated Theo , so it all made very little difference . It was great being with him . He made me feel so happy and so bright . I loved holding his hand , I loved his hands on me , I loved having his body close . " Ok , I understand . But listen , work is work , it 's completely separate to your social and personal life . At work we are just colleagues who barely see each other , outside work , we can be whatever we want . " After everyone else had left the bar , Theo and I chilled for a little longer , kissing in a seating area downstairs . Eventually as this club began to close up as well , we left and began walking North . We both knew what we wanted , and although I wanted it more than anything , I found it impossible to admit . He walked me to an open newsagent so I could buy some chocolate . As usual , I hadn 't eaten all day and was in desperate need of something to give me energy . As we walked past the same hotel we had stayed in two weeks ago , we stopped and lingered . " Let 's just do it , " I said . I paid for the room and in we went . In the morning it was the same . Sex , conversations and laughter . We play - fighted and laughed like people who had known each other for years . He talked to me about work , economics , education . We sat in bed looking at my ' Introduction to the Financial Markets ' textbook as he explained yield curves to me . We laughed and joked about silly , childish things . We talked about things so effortless that I can 't even remember what they were . I melted inside . Of course he was exaggerating , but it meant so much . He liked my body . It was worth it , everything I had done , all the running , all the pain , all the time , all the effort . He will never know how much it meant to me that he lay in bed with me and my naked body and adored it in the way he did . We stopped by a really cute , cosy place which did homely British food . He had a burger and chips while I tucked into a fish pie and chips . I smiled the whole way through , not caring about my expanding waistline , but enjoying the lovely warm food and flavours , and of course , enjoying his company most of all . Even when we had finished eating and paid and the restaurant began to clear out around us , we stayed chatting incessantly . It was 4 . 30pm when I finally had to tell him I needed to leave and go home . After we had finished eating , at every next moment , I expected him to say we should get going and leave . But he didn 't , he just sat there , happy being with me . It meant the world to me that he did that . It 's not just sex . It 's more . And that makes me smile . We sat there talking while the restaurant cleared out and emptied around us , until we were the only table left . I never want him to know about my eating disorder . He can know it was in my past but I never want him to know about the shit I do now . I don 't want what destroyed my relationship with Alex to destroy what I have with Theo . So I 'm seeing him again on Friday . I 'm surprising him - It 's his Christmas present . I 'm taking him to a restaurant at one of the best hotels in Mayfair and have booked a room for us to stay there afterwards . I want a date where I can dress up and pretend to be rich and glamorous for a day . So yes , while I am blowing loads of money on him , I 'm also blowing loads of money on treating myself to having my own little fantasy come true as well . It 's going to be magnificent . I 'm going to feel like a rich princess for an evening . Of course it would be a little more perfect if it was a surprise that he had planned and he was paying for , but that 's slightly irrelevant . My only fear is that he might be overwhelmed and run from me thinking that I 'm too in love with him or something . Millie called me once I had left Theo on Saturday afternoon and shouted at me . She doesn 't think that he likes me because he wouldn 't give me an answer about our next date and she believes that he should be the one chasing me . She told me I made a big mistake in sleeping with him for a second time and that I was goning to get hurt . I know she said those things because she cares about me , but at the same time she doesn 't understand who I am and my philosophy on life . I might die tomorrow . I can 't take my money with me , so I 'm gonna spend it all on looking my best and having the time of my life . What happened with Theo on Friday made me happy . I felt so alive and was smiling from the heart . Next Friday is gonna cost me well over £ 400 but I don 't care because I 'm gonna have the time of my life . I don 't live for the future , I live for the moment . I live for the extreme highs . I do not do mediocre in - between . Of course this week is gonna be intense because I 'm gonna have to look my absolute thinnest and absolute best for Friday night . But you know , when I 'm doing it for something like this - for someone who I know appreciates it - it 's enjoyable . I love it . Burning calories becomes my ultimate high because I know how thrilling and wonderful it will feel when he sees me looking stunning on Friday . No feeling compares to that . I thoroughly agree . It has made me the happiest girl in the world to be told the things that Theo told me , and to be told them by Theo , because his opinion means everything to me . It makes my eating disorder a happy thing , that gave me happiness , and will give me even more . In my job in The City I am polished and corporate , bright and confident . I present The City Girl Image my company and clients expect . Here on the pages of this blog I am The City Girl Made of Glass - fragile and transparent . Come and see what it 's like on the inside . . . . The most important thing is not to think very much about oneself . To investigate candidly the charge ; but not fussily , not very anxiously . On no account to retaliate by going to the other extreme - - thinking too much . Virginia Woolf .
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Thank you , to those who sent your well - wishes during our recent run - in with the virus known as the wish - you - were - dying flu . Trust me , it has the swine and bird varieties beat all to pieces . This stuff could kill a rhino . The front page of the local paper informed us two weeks ago , that they had opened an unused wing of our local hospital because it had reached epidemic proportions here in the area . We are back among the land of the living , but I 've got to admit it was touch and go there for a few days . One day I was thinking I might die , and the next I was afraid I might not . I was so miserable I didn 't even want to be in same room with myself , and the LOC * was most definitely not volunteering for the privilege either . He did , however , helpfully offer to open windows , turn on ceiling fans , and spray with room freshener every five minutes . . . while looking decidedly green around the gills himself . But we survived , although we have now bought stock in a major plastic garbage bag manufacturing company , and taken out a smaller interest in sterile gloves , and Clorox wipes ( and all things Clorox , for that matter ) . Just to be on the safer side ( you are never really safe from this wretched ailment - and yes , I got my flu shot the first week they offered them ) we bought an annuity invested primarily in Kaopectate with options on Imodium AD , and settled down with a little side mutual fund vested heavily in Lysol disinfectant . I do believe we are now both domestically , medically and financially prepared to weather the next bout . # # # # # In the middle of all this , I did not open my email for several days and when I did there was a completely unexpected and fun little surprise awaiting me . A national blog / talk / radio show had invited me to be interviewed on their program . ( Quite honestly , I had never heard of blog / talk / radio - what is that anyway ? ) Well , I guess I will find out , because the producer said he " loved my style " and plans to interview me by phone next week . He asked to do it this week , but I politely explained that I was indisposed . Anyone who doesn 't think God has a since of humor just needs to spend a little time around the old scatter - otherwise known as the Young ranch . You will either go out of here laughing uncontrollably or running for your life . Maybe both . Here is a helpful hint to those who might want to stay married longer than a Kardashian . Do not ever , and I mean EVER , tell your spouse that you have hired a plumber . That is do not tell him in advance of the event . For if you do , here is what will happen . Guaranteed . It is hard - wired into their DNA . First your significant other will look a little hurt , then puzzled , then put out . After that , he will ask for the name and number of the plumber you have hired and place a call canceling the service call . However , today a miracle happened at the Young ranch . I am talking a bona fide , outside the course of normal events in human history , miracle . The LOC * called a plumber . Here is why . ( * Lovable Old Coot ) At first , the LOC thought maybe we had a prowler , but it turned out to be something much worse . We had a water pipe in the downstairs bathroom that had burst loose and was spraying water all over the floor . By the time the noise woke Holly up , the water was already about an inch deep and had flooded that bathroom , the hallway , the kitchen , the family room , and had moved about one - third of the way into the living room . It was all hands on deck ( that would be the LOC , me and Holly ) for the next two hours while we set up the wet vac to begin vacuuming the water up , moved furniture out of the way as quickly as possible , and called the water damage company to come ASAP ! A mere six weeks and fourteen thousand dollars later , why we were completely back to square one . Fortunately , insurance covered about ten thousand dollars of the damage . That only left us out - of - pocket the remaining four thousand or so . ( I quit counting after awhile , because my heart , not to mention our budget , just couldn 't take the strain . ) For the first two weeks of that six weeks , we had ten industrial size blowers ( kind of like a fan on steroids ) placed strategically about the downstairs by the clean - up crew . These were to prevent mold forming in the walls , where the water had cunningly crept up to nearly two feet high , even though the water itself was never more than two inches deep at the worst spots . But as our philosopher - cum - repairman shared with us , water naturally seeks to go where anything is dry that can soak it up . Sounds reasonable . Sheetrock in your walls , therefore , is a natural habitat for the intelligent water - seeker . Those blasted fans ran 24 / 7 for endless days . It was like trying to sleep in an airport hangar , with some jet engine constantly roaring . At that time I was a vice - president in a good sized tech company , and had to try to show up for work each day in a decent looking suit and shoes , which is no easy feat , when you are stumbling over wires , hoses , pipes and machines all over the downstairs . Add to that the fear of blowing up the house , or electrocuting myself if I plugged in the wrong appliance upstairs and somehow caused water and electricity to meet up downstairs ; well let 's just say I wasn 't at my best during those particular executive sessions . How had all this begun ? That , my friend , is the moral of this little saga . The LOC had , in a flurry of DIY enthusiasm , replaced a small flex hose behind the downstairs toilet . This piece of equipment was about a foot or so long and cost approximately two and a half dollars . He said it was a no - brainer . ( Perfect descriptor ! ) Problem : when you affix a new hose onto anything , you must adjust the pressure of the fitting to match the water pressure of the flow that will be going through it . There is probably some dynamic law of aqua - engineering that puts this in more succinct terms , but essentially , there you have it . The LOC had worked on this little gem a day or two before the flood , and he had put too much torque on the connection - in other words , he tightened it too much . As the pressure built up in the hose , eventually it was bound to blow . # # # # # Isn 't that just like life ? We can think we are attending to things in a timely manner ; but if our own frustrations or intensity cause us to put too much pressure on even a small thing , something is bound to blow . When it does , the damage can be completely out of proportion to the initial issue . We may then find ourselves wandering about in a flood of emotions , with our inner - angst fans blowing regret and dismay 24 / 7 , and all the while we are thinking , if only I had approached that issue with a little more finesse , a little more kindness . If only I had not put the tightening pressure on her / him to that extent . Indeed , we live and learn . So today , the LOC first visited the local ACE hardware . He is practically renting space there lately , and our little mountain hamlet hardware store has helpful , friendly staff . So the LOC nips down there frequently , sometimes two or three times a day . Today 's visit produced good suggestions from the professionals there as to how the LOC should go about fixing a leaky sink problem we are having . He followed their instructions to no avail . Then he cleverly took photos on his phone of the problem areas and went back down to Ace Hardware . After much consultation they suggested the problem might be a little more involved than they initially realized and that it likely was going to require some drilling , replacing equipment , etc . And guess what ? The LOC called a friend , got a good recommendation , and called a local plumber ! Then he called me to brag about his newly found wisdom . I 'm as proud of him as a speckled pup . ( My grandfather used to say that . I never understood it , but it seemed to fit here . ) Meanwhile , Mrs . LOC ( that would me me ) is trying to learn when to ease up and not put quite so much pressure on myself and others . . . I hope . The cost and the disruption to daily living are simply too high . Just a thought . . . . Until next time - Marsha The practice was making more money than it ever had and the doctors were thrilled . The time came when the original staff simply could no longer keep up with the patient volume we were seeing each day and something had to be done . It was decided that the most cost effective way to increase our productivity was to hire a high school intern to come in to do the " scutt work " ( cleaning the operatories , putting the instruments in the autoclave , filing , filing and more filing , etc . ) each afternoon . I was both excited and scared . The first few candidates did not appeal , but about the second day of interviews in walked a lovely looking girl , a senior in high school , who was articulate and seemed to really want the job . Keep in mind it did not pay a lot , but it could be a chance for the person chosen to explore a career possibility . It would be hard work , too . One of the dentists met her briefly and told me it was up to me . He didn 't really care who I hired , just as long as we got some help quickly . So Lily was hired , and told she could begin the next afternoon . I do not know for certain who it was that showed up the next day , an evil twin perhaps ; but whoever she was , she bore only a passing resemblance to Lily . First , her fingernails seemed to have grown about an inch and a half overnight . I don 't know how that happened , but whereas in the interview they were clean , cut short , and unremarkable , now they resembled a siren 's tools of the trade , bright red and looonnng . ( How was she going to scrub Comet out of sinks with those ? ) Finally , the Lily who showed up for the job was dressed nothing like the Lily I had hired . For the interview she wore a demure black skirt and white blouse . For her first day on the job she appeared in some spandex get - up , that from the waist down seemed to resemble a wide belt more than a skirt . To be fair , she had spectacular legs , but this was supposed to be a medical office , not a strip club . To frost the cake if you will , when she put away her purse , and got ready to get down to business , she flipped out a little ruffled apron about the size of a handkerchief and daintily tied it around her waist which was about the size of a straw . The apron looked like one of those French maid get - ups in a farce . I half expected her to whip out a little feather duster to match it . I was chagrined , but hoped that it was just first day jitters causing her to over - reach in the " please notice me " department . Unfortunately , the second and the third day were no better . Moreover , the younger of the two dentists was a handsome guy who was not above a little flirting and Ms . Lily took to that like a duck to water . She was only seventeen , but she was going on thirty . # # # # # By day three , it was obvious that I had made a " hiring error . " The younger doctor called me back to his office and informed me that it was not working out and Lily would have to go . " Oh , surely we could give her a little more time to fit in ? I would hate to see you fire her so quickly . " Dr . R . looked at me askance and said with no trace of humor in his voice , " Marsha , I am not going to fire her . You hired her . You fire her . " End of discussion . I began to try to reason with him and pointed out that at least she had a cheerful disposition . No matter . " Marsha , let me help you understand something . I work a - l - l - l - l day long with a high - speed drill , three inches from the patient 's brain . She is going to come tripping down the hall , past one of the open treatment doors , in that spandex micro - mini skirt , and before you know it , someone is going to get a lobotomy ! " As most of you may know , the term " wardrobe malfunction " entered our social lexicon several years ago , when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake engineered what they later called an accident ( wardrobe malfunction ) involving the baring of Ms . Jackson 's breast during the Super Bowl half - time show . # # # # # When I re - entered the workforce , I had my own wardrobe crises ; but it didn 't involve any public nudity . Just plenty of private anxiety and public self - consciousness . Here was the deal . When our " worldly goods " were all taken , that included our clothing . We had one or two small suitcases of basic essentials to last a day or two , for all five of us , as we thought we would be unpacking the rest in a few days . The rest was now gone . Meanwhile , just a few weeks later , I had an office job ( not the temporary typing pool gig ) but an permanent job in a professional medical office as the office manager . And this office did not use " scrubs " for the front office personal , even though it was a dental office and all the chair side assistants wore scrubs . So I had a major wardrobe dilemma on my hands - or rather , in my empty closet . I went back to work , five days a week in possession of the following " outfits " : one black skirt , one navy blue skirt , one cream blouse , one white blouse , and one pink dress . That was it . The work week would proceed - sartorially speaking - along the following schedule : Monday - black skirt with white blouse To illustrate how obvious my little wardrobe malfunction really was , I had a birthday a few months after beginning that job . The older dentist 's wife visited the office unexpectedly that afternoon , and waited until the other staff were all gone for the day . Then she handed me a big white box with a lovely bow on the top and said , " We hope you won 't be offended ; but we noticed you could probably use something like this . " Inside was a wonderful grey wool A - line skirt and a matching blouse with various shades of grey , black and pale pink stripes . I was so touched , and embarrassed , that they had observed how sparse my clothing selection was , that I just didn 't know what to say . But I found my manners long enough to thank her sincerely - and him too . The truth was that I had always been a bit of what my grandmother called a " clothes horse " before the robbery . So it was especially humiliating to me to have to accept charity and to have my clothing donated to me by others , however well intended . But God wanted me to learn , really learn , something I had memorized in my head as a teenager ; but obviously had not learned in my heart as well as I should have . Please do not misunderstand . I do not believe that God objects if we wear good quality clothing , when we can afford it . There came a time , much later in my career , when I had a closet full of suits like Jones of New York purchased at Nordstrom 's , Macy 's , and the like . But I had learned , the hard way , that my identity was not defined by the label on my clothing ; but by the label on my heart . In fact , some twenty two years after the dental office , I was a vice president in a company of over one thousand employees . The CEO and the Board were dangling a huge bonus in front of me if I would just " go along to get along " on a program about which I had reservations . I am talking " down payment on a house " huge . For many years my fondest hope , and unfulfilled desire , was to go to college . In my early adulthood , as the mother of three children , I simply had no opportunity to do that . I know many young mothers ( and fathers ) do attend school and work and parent , and it was not that I was unwilling to give that a try . Rather , it was that we moved frequently , and only a time or two did we live in a town large enough to have a local university . then basically you had no options . I had none of the three , so I felt doomed to ignorance . Then I stopped boo - hooing to myself and got busy . If I was not going to be able to get a college education in the foreseeable future , I simply decided to become auto - didactic . ( That is a fun word , isn 't it ? Simply means self - taught . ) First , I read the text books my husband had used in Bible college . I read hermeneutics , homiletics , theology , church history , and pretty much any thing else I could get my hands on . And I used Strong 's Exhaustive Concordance as often as a cook uses salt and pepper . Since I could not study Greek and Hebrew , I could at least learn to cross - reference effectively . I still have a copy and it does not have dust on it . Next I stumbled across C . S . Lewis and fell in love ( intellectually speaking , that is ) . For about two years I read pretty much everything he had ever written and then began reading other authors he quoted , recommended , or who had written about him . This led me to J . R . R . Tolkien , George MacDonald , and Lewis B . Smeade , among others . This enjoyable intellectual exercise might have gone on indefinitely , albeit to no great purpose . . However , after we lost everything , I needed to go back into the workforce - quickly . There was no time to go to a technical school , or take a bookkeeping course , or obtain some other type of training to acquire paying skills . I needed a paycheck now . I had not worked outside the home for any significant length of time for nearly fifteen years . But a friend , who knew how desperate I was , offered me immediate part - time clerical work in the office where she was the manager . I gratefully accepted , after assuring her that I did have the two skills she required . I knew how to answer a telephone professionally and I could type . For any woman who has ever had to walk back into a professional environment after years of being a stay - at - home parent , I do not need to tell you how nerve - wracking this was . That first Monday morning she showed me my work station , told me where she would be should I need her , and indicated a stack of forms to be typed , next to the machine I would be using . Then she left . I sat down , fidgeted around a minute or two , located the pencil sharpener , and sharpened a couple of pencils . ( I don 't know why . I wasn 't going to do a cursive assignment ; I was assigned to type . But nerves were not being logical in the moment . ) Finally I thought , " Come on , Marsha . You can do this . " And I reached for the on switch for the electric typewriter . ( It was still a couple of years before ubiquitous PCs appeared on every desk . ) No switch . Now I glanced quickly around to see if I could spot anyone else just firing up their machine . Phooey . The others already appeared to be on their second or third form of the day . I had not even started and I was already behind . I looked around to see if I could spot my friend , but no , she had left the room to go into an adjacent office . I re - checked the keyboard , just in case there was a key there labeled " Power " or " On / Off " or something equally subtle . Nuh - uh . I could feel a slow flush beginning to creep up my neck out of my collar and heading straight for my cheeks . Here a friend had done me a favor , offered me a chance to make some money knowing how badly I needed it , and I could not even figure out how to turn the darned typewriter on ! Oh , the shame of it . The agony of embarrassment . At last , I saw my friend re - enter the room and I slowly got up and walked toward her as she looked at me with a puzzled expression . She later told me , her expression must have been in response to my expression , which she described as one of sheer horror . She didn 't know if I was having a heart attack , or had gotten word of a tragedy at home , or what ! I had quickly gone from being an intellectual hot - shot , to being a fat - fingered fool ; and it stung . For the rest of the day I typed like a woman possessed . I did not take a coffee break , I did not visit the ladies room ( no need since there had been no coffee ) , I barely read what I typed . I just typed . . . . and tried not to cry . My mother - in - law , Lucy , ( I can use her real name because she has long since gone on to her reward ) was a funny little woman . She didn 't mean to be . In fact , she often took the oddest things so seriously that I could not quite figure out what was going on . For example , she loved reading the almanac , and knowing exactly when sunset was going to be each evening . You know , 5 : 52 p . m . today , 5 : 54 p . m . tomorrow , etc . I am not sure why this statistic was important to her , but she always liked watching the paranormal soap opera of the day , Dark Shadows , so maybe that had something to do with it . She loved to cook , which worked out well for me while we were there , because I don 't much like to cook . I love to eat , though . Too bad my preferences don 't run the other way around . Meat dishes were her specialty , and an ordinary meat - cooking process went something like this . First she would fry it for awhile , because that is what her generation did . Remember my generation is the first to try to switch from frying to steaming or baking , and frankly , it has been a tough transition . I 'm just saying . . . . Naturally , with this kind of cooking inclination , she thought the micro - wave , when it came out during the latter days of her life , was the greatest invention since sliced bread . She loved to nuke things : bread things , and vegetable things , and meat things . . . oh , my goodness , she could reconstitute a week - old pork chop like nobody 's business . I am still in awe . Excuse me , while I pop a Tums in honor of the memory . The most unique menu she ever shared with us came about one evening a few months into our stay . I suspect she had just worn herself out frying and steaming and baking and broiling ( oh , now there was an adventure not to be missed ! ) . She was , after all , in her late seventies , when she suddenly found herself trying to keep three rambunctious kids filled ( two of them teen age boys ) . So on the evening in question she had decided to go lightly on the cooking . I had gone to work in an office by then , and thus was at least out from under her feet for eight hours each day . I would , however , help set the table when I got home . In preparation for that , I privately asked K . ( because I needed to be able to control my reaction when I saw it on the table for the first time ) , " What 's for dinner this evening ? " I stood stock still for a moment trying to figure out how that would work . Did you put the mashed potatoes into the soup ? Some kind of puree , perhaps ? Did you serve the soup first , and then the mashed potatoes were the a la carte entree ? Nope . I could not work it out . So I walked away with a blank look on my face . It turned out the soup was served the regular way , in small soup bowls . And the mashed potatoes were served on little plates as a side dish . Allll righteeee , then . # # # # # It was a tough six months . Not because of Lucy . I would say she was generous in the extreme with her home and help when you consider what a shock to her daily routine it must have been , to go from living alone , to suddenly having two teen age boys , a third - grade girl , and their parents all over your house . She was a real trooper about it . But I have to say , it was not easy . I was now thirty - six years old , and did not own a dish , bed , or towel of my own . You could say I was cranky . Yes , you could certainly say that . However , this mini - series was a melodrama , and at the end of the last episode , as the credits rolled our daughter looked at her father and me and asked , " I don 't get it . Where were the happy parts ? " We laughed and laughed . You may be wondering about now , where are the happy parts in my story . Truly , I am looking forward to sharing those with you . But in order for those parts to be seen in an accurate context , you must first know what came before . Thus we will slog on for a bit . I do hope that you will find the journey worthwhile , when we come to the conclusion of my story . It is enough for the reader to know that the perpetrator was sentenced to eight years in prison after pleading guilty . I was shaken to my core over the matter , and pretty angry with God for allowing this to happen . I knew that evil is present in the world , and that God will not override our free will , even to prevent harm , except in unusual cases . Still , when wickedness touches one of our own , we are seared and scarred by it . Additionally , because it was a small town , the perpetrator 's family knew we had pressed charges and they threatened us , if we would not drop them . We kept praying and refused . We received " anonymous " phone calls in the middle of the night . Things were thrown against our house in the night as well . It was a nightmare that lasted for months . Then suddenly , after only serving a year and a half of his sentence , we learned that he was to be paroled right back to our community . I was in a panic . One day at the grocery store I came around the end of an aisle and came face to face with his wife . She looked at me with such hatred that it carried the force of a physical blow . I went home and told K . , " We have to move . I cannot live here anymore knowing he will soon be back . We have to think of the safety of our family . " I do not know whether it was God 's will for us to make that move . All I do know is that we went with heavy hearts , but high hopes that things would be better in the new environment . It was not to be . But when I awoke from this dream , my heart was pounding and I felt as though I had already lived through the events in it . It was so real , so detailed . K . and I had already discussed returning to the West Coast , but a few days after my dream , he also told me what his plan was for making the move . When he told me this plan , I turned cold and clammy , and literally felt my heart began to pound . Now I am known to be a very practical , sensible individual . I do not engage in the ethereal . However , I felt compelled to tell him about the dream wherein our moving van had been left over night at a parking lot and discovered stolen the next morning . I explained how real the dream was . Then I said to him , " My worst nightmare , after all we have been through these past two or three years , would be to have the moving truck stolen and find ourselves destitute and living with your mother . " We tried to get a rider placed on our home owner 's policy , but the insurance company declined to issue one because we were moving ourselves instead of hiring Mayflower or a similar professional moving company . We could not afford to do that . Thus it was an uninsured move . On November 13 , 1981 we parked the moving van in a vacant church parking lot , surrounded by a six foot chain link fence , with padlocked gates and drove the hundred and fifty miles to his mother 's . We dropped the kids off , stayed only an hour or so and then turned around and drove back , to spend the night with our friend and his wife . They had two very small children and a small house , and that is why we had taken the three kids elsewhere . I sat in the office for fifteen minutes or so , and wondered what could be taking so long . Then K . walked in ashen - faced . I took one look at him and said , " It 's gone , isn 't it ? It 's been stolen . " He knew that I had described this very event in detail . I had even said that this church was located in a high - crime area and was a particular risk , even discounting my dream . We had discussed my reservations for nearly an hour that day ; and as always , my opinion did not matter . My concerns did not count . He would do as he thought best ; and the rest of us would pay the price . It turned out that the pastor had been trying to help rehabilitate a young man with a drug history , who was working part time for the church as a janitor . The young man was back on drugs , and had keys to the premises . He knew of a drug ring operating in the area who fenced stolen property for five cents on the dollar , taking the stolen goods to the Bay Area and selling them over night . The police located the van abandoned on a country road by the next day . It was empty . An entire three - bedroom household of furniture , our linens , dishes , clothing , our musical instruments ( my son 's Benj trumpet , my other son 's Elgin symbols and drum set , my Baldwin piano ) everything . . . gone . Baby pictures , birth certificates , tax records - seventeen years of marriage and family life wiped out . My daughter sometimes says it would be easier to be able to say " we lost everything in a fire " - as this happens to thousands of people each year . It is terrible , but something we hear of and read about , so it is comprehensible even if horrible . Our loss was so bizarre it was tough to explain . Now the brick wall was building in my own heart . The losses and griefs of the past two years were the beginning , but they were unforeseen . A complete shock . But this loss , was not only foreseeable , but we had been forewarned and due to K . 's complete inability to value any opinion but his own , we were now homeless , and without the means to acquire one . I have attempted to write this chapter at least three times , and I cannot seem to get it right . The bare facts are that , after about fifteen years of marriage , outwardly our circumstances looked better than they ever had ; we bought a new home , and our congregation was growing . Nevertheless , privately I felt like something was deeply wrong in our marriage and I did not know what it was . Neither did I know what to do about it , except to pray . Late one evening , after the kids were asleep , K . asked me what was bothering me . I tried to explain that I could not seem to get through to him . I felt like there was some kind of wall between us and I could only get to know him up to a point , and then I would run into a brick wall . He was charming and well - liked by nearly everyone who knew him . Admittedly , I was not - so - charming since being frequently in the public eye chafed at me and social small talk bored me ; and thus I was not exactly all sunshine and light . I can honestly say that I was dependable and loyal ; but it was not enough . # # # # # None of us can say what causes another person to make the choices they make or to do the things they do . We can guess , we can surmise , we can draw our own conclusions . But only God can really know . I will never know what caused K . to finally tell me what was behind the wall . Perhaps he thought I would eventually find out anyway , and it was better to tell it his own way . Perhaps he sincerely wanted to change . He said he did not want to lose me . In any case , he made his disclosure , and in that single hour the world shifted on its axis and my life collapsed . How could I have been so blind ? How could I have been so stupid ? What I later came to think of as the " decade of despair " was only beginning . It would get worse , much worse . Fortunately , I did not know that , and at the time it was all I could do to breathe in and breathe out ; and even that seemed like too much trouble . I knew Christians were supposed to be over comers , but instead I was overcome , with sorrow . Shortly after all this occurred , I was dusting the bedroom furniture one afternoon , when I was the only one at home . There was a gospel record playing on the stereo and that is all I remembered until I came to about an hour later , laying on the bedroom floor . I had fainted from the sheer weight of the grief I was carrying . The marriage lasted another eight years . But after many more losses and sorrows , we decided upon a trial separation . That was what we had discussed . Instead , he filed for divorce almost immediately , and re - married the week our divorce was final . I was forty , but most days I felt more like I was ninety : tired and used up . It was not all his fault . Near the very end , I contributed to the demise of our marriage . Looking back , I wondered whether it might not have been better if I had walked away eight years earlier . " For I know the plans I have for you . " declares the Lord . " Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future . " Jeremiah 29 : 11 This may be the most difficult portion of my story to write because it involves those whose story it also is , and who have not consented to have their portion told . Thus I need to be both circumspect and gentle , while remaining truthful . Bear with me . It will take more than one chapter . I first met K . , my future husband , at church and we dated all through high school . We had become engaged in November of my senior year in high school , while K . my fiance , was now in his second year of college . In some ways , we were typical high school sweethearts , who married young and intended to stay that way for the rest of our lives . To my deepest regret , it did not turn out that way . People sometimes said to us , and / or about us , that we were " so cute , the perfect couple " and from outward appearances it must have seemed that way . Privately , however , we argued a lot , broke up and reunited over and over again , and I could see that the relationship had serious problems . Some were mine , some were his ; but combined they were a toxic brew . I was the oldest child , raised to be super - responsible if you will , because Mom had no choice but to use me as a surrogate parent for my younger sisters . We lived twenty - five hundred miles away from any family , and there was no one else she could count on . So at twelve I was cooking meals , cleaning house , and watching my two sisters while Mom was at work all day . She once said to me , when I was about fifteen , " Marsha , you were never a child . You were born a little old lady . " I thought to myself , " No , Mom , you and Dad made me a little old lady , without ever having a chance to be a child . " But of course , I said nothing , even though she had hurt my feelings more than she could possibly know . K . , by contrast , was an only child , but tragically so . His mother had had an older son , who drowned in a river while on a church picnic . She had also had a little girl , three years younger than K . , who died of cancer when K . was six years old and her daughter was three . Thus , he was her only surviving child . K . once told me that after his little sister 's death his mother fell into a deep depression that lasted over five years . During that time he was benignly neglected ; fed , clothed and loved , but often ignored and left to himself . When she at last achieved some level of recovery , although he said she was never the same , she simply gave him anything he wanted as soon as it could be obtained . She waited on him hand and foot , and nothing was too much to do for him . His father was a kind and gentle soul , who did not seem to have the ability to stand up to either K . or his mother , and thus by the time I met K . when he was sixteen , he was the prince of their household , and no one questioned him about his actions , desires , or misdeeds . As best I can figure out , he married me because he wanted a loving caregiver to continue meeting all his needs much as his mother had done . I married him , because I had determined very early on to marry someone whom I thought would be the complete opposite of my father in every way . My Dad was loud , K . was quiet , my Dad was rough - spoken , K . was soft - spoken . Even in appearance they were opposites , as my Dad was a short man , and K . was tall . Of course , we also thought we were in love , but looking back I doubt that either of us knew much about what genuine love might be . My guess is that he sometimes found me boring and I have no doubt that I was . I was an introverted bookworm . I found him to be reckless , whether it was driving the car at close to one hundred miles per hour , with me in the passenger seat petrified ; or running up credit card debt that we could ill afford . Nevertheless , for nearly twenty three years we did the best we could , or so I thought ; and for twenty of those years , he was in the ministry and we pastored four small churches in succession . We were poor as the proverbial church mice , but I hardly knew any thing else so it did not much trouble me , unless the bills were not getting paid . I recall having some women over to visit one day , and offering them tea . K . was not home , he rarely was , and could not be reached by phone . Thus it was that evening before he came home and discovered no dinner cooked ( no water ) and me in tears . He shrugged it off as " no big deal " and the next day got the water service restored . It was a small incident but it was a harbinger of worse things to come . He liked living on the edge , trying new and exciting things whether we could afford them or not , and he enjoyed traveling away from home a great deal - while the kids and I stayed behind . Like most pastors who lead small local congregations , he had to work outside jobs to help support our family . I certainly understood that . But what I could not quite understand was why he invariably chose jobs that required him to travel a lot . We also moved frequently . So here I was , once again , packing and unpacking every few months or years , never knowing where we would be next . I was stuck in a repeat of my rambling childhood , one which I had hoped to escape . During the first ten years of our marriage , we moved eleven times living in six different towns . Yes , in some towns we lived in two or three different houses . I longed for some stability . Life on the edge did not appeal to me . Next : Behind the Wall I love a good routine . I do not find routines dull , or boring or a waste of my time . In fact , in my experience a good routine is often more productive than about any other approach to living . You know , the idea of jumping fleas , being trained to jump or not jump and when , where , and how high ? Just add " what and who " and you would also have trained flea journalists , would you not ? Lately , I 'm doing a lot of jumping too , the difference being I often do not know where or when I will be called upon to jump next , and certainly I have no idea how high . And I 'm a short person , so that is another problem . Then yesterday , I moaned picking up a pencil I had dropped , until I had to blush after realizing it wasn 't under the sofa , or even on the floor . It was on a table right in front of me . Now that is embarrassing ! You only get one geezerwheel , at least as far as I know it is still one to a customer , and it has to last you your whole life long . At the rate mine is gyrating , I 'm pretty sure I am not long for this world . I 'm too old for hot flashes and too young for assisted living , so I guess there is nothing for it but to keep jumping . But I gotta ' tell ' ya - the old geezerwheel just isn 't what it used to be . # # # # # Hope your geezerwheel is in better shape than mine is in - and that you can actually recall what it is for . Until next time . . . jumping jehosephat . . . it 's Marsha One of the two enduring pleasurable activites of my life is public speaking . The other , if you have not already guessed , is writing . The first time I stepped up to a microphone to speak in a formal setting was at my eighth grade graduation , as I had been chosen as one of the two speakers from my class . That in itself was surprising , because I had only moved to the little town in Northern California during the semester break and the whole five months from then until graduation was a comedy of errors and misunderstandings . But it was kind of fun . Because I had been to so many different schools my transcripts , as you can imagine , were like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle . Three months here , six months there - it was a mess . My 8th grade year , I had begun the school year in Illinois , moved to the state of Washington , went to school there for three months , and then we moved to California at the holiday break , landing in the little town of Oakley ( not the real name ) in late December just before Christmas . Oakley 's elementary school system , in 1959 , was configured on a structure that was already outdated even then . For example , top students were placed in 8 - A and the worst academic students were assigned to 8 - D . Anytime you had to say which class you were in , it was like announcing that you were either " smart , stupid , or so - so " . In between the two extremes , 8 - B and 8 - C were similarly arranged based upon the students ' prior year 's performance . Because my transcript had not yet arrived from Washington the day Mom took me to enroll in school , I was assigned to 8 - D . Mom tried valiantly to explain that I was an A student and should not be placed in 8 - D . It wasn 't that she thought less of students who struggled with their studies , but she thought I would not be very challenged in those classes . The registration people did not believer her and insisted upon putting me in the lower class . And it was lower , literally , as it was housed in the basement of the school , with the only windows being up near the ceiling , as we looked at the ground and a couple of feet above it . We never saw the sky from that classroom . As it turned out , it was one of the best experiences of my entire elementary education , and here is why . Students in the " middle classes " of 8 - B and 8 - C had apparently settled into their own comfort zone , and this included their teachers . But between 8 - A and 8 - D there existed a keen rivalry in everything from dodge ball to spelling contests . Enter bright - eyed naive Marsha from the Midwest , who knew nothing of all of this . As soon as I had turned in a few assignments , my teacher , Mr . Van de K . , began to pay special attention to me . He would smile and nod as he read my papers and soon was using some of my work as examples to the rest of the class , to my embarrassment . ( I was trying to fit in , after all . ) Before long , whenever we were having study time , he would say to me , " Marsha , go over and see if you can help Janie ( or Mary or whomever ) with the assignment , since you have finished yours . " I was glad to do it and was surprised to find my help was welcomed . Many of these kids wanted to do well , but did not have a parent at home to help with homework or they just needed things explained at their own level . It was fun " playing teacher " and it helped me make friends more quickly . Near the middle of the semester the annual essay contest was announced . Fliers were distributed all over school and some were posted at businesses around town . Mr . Van de K . approached me and suggested that I enter the contest . He and Mrs . C . , the haughty 8 - A teacher , had been sniping at each other for years , as each year one of her students would win the contest . She was not kind about it , and Mr . Van de K . was sick and tired of his students being the brunt of her archly condescending criticism . The topic of the essay contest was assigned each year by a panel consisting of members of the school board and the chamber of commerce . That year 's topic was to be " Historical Trailways " highlighting the paths that had led to America 's greatness . Immediately trails like the Appalachian Trail , the Lewis and Clark Trail , the Pony Express route , etc . sprang to mind . Okay , it was not brilliant , but it was enough " off the beaten path " so to speak , that it caught the judges ' attention . ( I know , that was a pitiful pun . Sometimes I just can 't help myself . ) The day they announced that I had won , and took my picture for the local paper , I was more tickled to see Mr . Van de K . 's ear - to - ear grin than I was over winning . Of course , my parents were proud , although a bit startled . I remember my mother asking me , " How do you think of these things . " I didn 't know , I just knew that concepts interested me more than the concrete . Well , school was a smile - a - thon for several days . Mrs . C . grudgingly congratulated me , while snidely insinuating that " maybe I had had a little help ? " I thought Mr . Van de K . was going to blow a gasket when I told him what she had said . Next , Mrs . C . belatedly tried to arrange to have me transferred to her class . Mr . Van de K . offered me the choice , and I politely declined , saying I liked it where I was . He grinned some more and went to tell the highbrowed Mrs . C . that " Marsha had elected to stay in the basement with his class . " She barely spoke to me the rest of the year . So ended the year , with my invitation to speak at the graduation . Mr . Van de K . strutted around the school grounds like a proud mother hen for days , and several of the kids in 8 - D cheered when my name was announced as a graduation speaker . Finally , they had a champion and I was as glad for them as they were for me . 8 - D had made the grade ! And I had made some friends . My mother never taught me to cook . She didn 't like to have anyone " under her feet " in the kitchen and that included her daughters . She never taught me to sew - she never taught me to clean a house ( although you could not live with her and not learn how to clean things just by watching her go at it ) . But , honey , you 'd better believe she taught me how to iron clothes . And tablecloths , and dishtowels , and pillow cases , and dresser scarves . . . and , well you get the idea . It if could be washed in our house , it was going to be ironed and that was a guarantee . This was no easy way to make a dollar , as there was no such thing as permanent press in those days . You had to put water in an clean coke bottle , with a handy little cork stopper with an aluminum sprinkler head on it . This device was used to sprinkle - or dampen - the clothes to be ironed . Each piece was then rolled into a loose ball and placed in the clothes basket to await its turn on the ironing board . Steam irons were still in the future , at least for us . And then there was spray starch - now that was an adventure . There was Niagara , of course , and Faultless and a couple of other brands . If you got lucky and had a good can , you could spray a nice even sheen over the garment , and when you were finished with it , it smelled wonderful and looked almost brand new . But if it was a bad can , or the little spray hole had gotten clogged , well , you knew you were in for a long afternoon of struggling to iron out spots where the starch had made a watermark on the fabric , or where it flaked off behind the iron , leaving a little white trail of stuff . A bad can of spray starch was a misery to be sure . By the time I was in high school , I ironed well enough that I could also make some money by doing ironing . I can 't remember the pricing structure from those days , but it seems to me it was something like twenty five cents for a shirt or a blouse , fifty cents for a pair of pants or slacks , fifteen cents a piece for pillow cases . It was quite an accomplishment to make five dollars doing ironing . # # # # Mom was a " extreme iron - er " and Dad was an extreme neat - freak about his own shirts . He would refuse to wear anything that was not ironed to perfection . He always dressed like a million dollars , even if he was unemployed and did not know how he was going to make his car payment . By this time Mom was a seasoned co - dependent and enabler , so she carefully ironed every shirt as though he was a monarch , and he had lots of shirts ; even during the times when she had not had a new dress in years . As a young girl watching all this play out , I thought she was either weak or crazy or both . Good grief , why didn 't she just refuse to do it anymore , or tell him to iron his own darned shirts ? Yes , I was a Christian , but I was bound and determined not to become the kind of Christian my mother seemed to be , kowtowing to someone who was undependable on a good day , and wretchedly unkind on a bad one . As I have revisited these things in my memories , I have come to realize why it is that nearly every autobiographical story I have ever read , was only written after the author 's own parents were gone . It would be too painful to write the truth and have them read it ; and too frustrating to write a phony account . My parents are both gone . My mother was with us until 2010 and went peacefully to be with the Lord , at the age of eighty two , as I stood by her bedside . But dad . . . how to tell this chapter without straying into the maudlin or the horrific ? He became increasingly violent , and our lives became a melodrama complete with broken furniture to accompany the broken promises , temporary restraining orders ( TRO ) which local police ignored because dad was so charming when they came to the house to " interview " him about the disturbances , and finally threats on our lives , mine in particular . He could intimidate , even terrify , my two younger sisters . But somehow I had become immune to his ranting and threats and refused to bow and scrape to him . It infuriated him so much that he began to tell my mother that some day , while she was at work , he was going to kill me . He no longer lived with us but he knew how to break into the house and did . My mother did not believe in divorce , but finally filed for one because the police told her they would not enforce her restraining orders against my father , unless she was divorcing him . This was before the days of " no fault " or " irreconcilable differences " . Her attorney told her that her most assured way of getting the TRO I was fifteen , and had been having stomach problems for quite some time . Twice I was taken to the ER with stomach attacks so serious that the doctor diagnosed ulcers and told my mother the next time he would have to hospitalize me . I was skinny as a rail , and could only keep food down by taking a quarter of a cup of creamed papaya before each meal to coat my stomach . The day I testified , my dad 's presence was not required in court . But at the last minute , in he walked , straight down to the front row of seats , and took a seat directly across from the witness stand where I had just been seated . The entire time that I answered the attorney 's questions ( probably not more than fifteen minutes but it seemed like an eternity ) my father looked at me sadly and shook his head from side to side as though every word I was saying was a complete lie . The judge granted my mother the divorce and we went directly home , where I threw up for several hours narrowly avoiding a return trip to the hospital . I rarely saw my father for the next few years . I married just after high school and had two little boys . We lived an hour 's drive from where my mother lived . When I was eight months pregnant with my third child , there was a knock on our door one evening . The visitor was there to inform us that my father 's body had been discovered in a large city a few hours south of where we lived . He had actually lived with us ( my husband and our two little boys and me ) for several months the year before his death . He called one day out of the blue when I had not seen him in nearly two years , and asked if he could come to dinner . I said yes , provided he wasn 't drinking . He showed up shaky but sober . . . and stayed six months in our spare room . ( Talk about the old joke " the man who came to dinner and stayed six months . " ) During that time we talked quietly a few times about life , faith , and forgiveness . He was in AA and he sometimes went to church with us , but we did not make an issue of it . God had worked on both our hearts and I was hopeful he was in recovery . So now , at twenty - six , I was preparing for his funeral . He was forty - six when he died . Because he had left some clothing at our house the year before , when the funeral home asked who could bring some clothes for him to be buried in , I said that I could . But that day , as I ironed the shirt he would be buried in , I prayed and the tears flowed , and I said in my heart , " Ah , Dad , only a daughter would iron a shirt for you to be buried in . A son would not be doing this for you . But I will . " I said goodbye to him , without anger in my heart , and with the bitterness ebbing away . I was not , and am not , a perfect Christian ; but I have nearly always tried to be an obedient one . That day , I was glad I had said " yes " when he asked for a place to live for those months . And I was glad I had learned to iron so well . # # # # There is a time for everything , and a season for every activity under heaven : We live in a noisy world . This is not " new information " I realize . However , I am lately more and more aware of how clamorous our . . .
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Thank you , to those who sent your well - wishes during our recent run - in with the virus known as the wish - you - were - dying flu . Trust me , it has the swine and bird varieties beat all to pieces . This stuff could kill a rhino . The front page of the local paper informed us two weeks ago , that they had opened an unused wing of our local hospital because it had reached epidemic proportions here in the area . We are back among the land of the living , but I 've got to admit it was touch and go there for a few days . One day I was thinking I might die , and the next I was afraid I might not . I was so miserable I didn 't even want to be in same room with myself , and the LOC * was most definitely not volunteering for the privilege either . He did , however , helpfully offer to open windows , turn on ceiling fans , and spray with room freshener every five minutes . . . while looking decidedly green around the gills himself . But we survived , although we have now bought stock in a major plastic garbage bag manufacturing company , and taken out a smaller interest in sterile gloves , and Clorox wipes ( and all things Clorox , for that matter ) . Just to be on the safer side ( you are never really safe from this wretched ailment - and yes , I got my flu shot the first week they offered them ) we bought an annuity invested primarily in Kaopectate with options on Imodium AD , and settled down with a little side mutual fund vested heavily in Lysol disinfectant . I do believe we are now both domestically , medically and financially prepared to weather the next bout . # # # # # In the middle of all this , I did not open my email for several days and when I did there was a completely unexpected and fun little surprise awaiting me . A national blog / talk / radio show had invited me to be interviewed on their program . ( Quite honestly , I had never heard of blog / talk / radio - what is that anyway ? ) Well , I guess I will find out , because the producer said he " loved my style " and plans to interview me by phone next week . He asked to do it this week , but I politely explained that I was indisposed . Anyone who doesn 't think God has a since of humor just needs to spend a little time around the old scatter - otherwise known as the Young ranch . You will either go out of here laughing uncontrollably or running for your life . Maybe both . Here is a helpful hint to those who might want to stay married longer than a Kardashian . Do not ever , and I mean EVER , tell your spouse that you have hired a plumber . That is do not tell him in advance of the event . For if you do , here is what will happen . Guaranteed . It is hard - wired into their DNA . First your significant other will look a little hurt , then puzzled , then put out . After that , he will ask for the name and number of the plumber you have hired and place a call canceling the service call . However , today a miracle happened at the Young ranch . I am talking a bona fide , outside the course of normal events in human history , miracle . The LOC * called a plumber . Here is why . ( * Lovable Old Coot ) At first , the LOC thought maybe we had a prowler , but it turned out to be something much worse . We had a water pipe in the downstairs bathroom that had burst loose and was spraying water all over the floor . By the time the noise woke Holly up , the water was already about an inch deep and had flooded that bathroom , the hallway , the kitchen , the family room , and had moved about one - third of the way into the living room . It was all hands on deck ( that would be the LOC , me and Holly ) for the next two hours while we set up the wet vac to begin vacuuming the water up , moved furniture out of the way as quickly as possible , and called the water damage company to come ASAP ! A mere six weeks and fourteen thousand dollars later , why we were completely back to square one . Fortunately , insurance covered about ten thousand dollars of the damage . That only left us out - of - pocket the remaining four thousand or so . ( I quit counting after awhile , because my heart , not to mention our budget , just couldn 't take the strain . ) For the first two weeks of that six weeks , we had ten industrial size blowers ( kind of like a fan on steroids ) placed strategically about the downstairs by the clean - up crew . These were to prevent mold forming in the walls , where the water had cunningly crept up to nearly two feet high , even though the water itself was never more than two inches deep at the worst spots . But as our philosopher - cum - repairman shared with us , water naturally seeks to go where anything is dry that can soak it up . Sounds reasonable . Sheetrock in your walls , therefore , is a natural habitat for the intelligent water - seeker . Those blasted fans ran 24 / 7 for endless days . It was like trying to sleep in an airport hangar , with some jet engine constantly roaring . At that time I was a vice - president in a good sized tech company , and had to try to show up for work each day in a decent looking suit and shoes , which is no easy feat , when you are stumbling over wires , hoses , pipes and machines all over the downstairs . Add to that the fear of blowing up the house , or electrocuting myself if I plugged in the wrong appliance upstairs and somehow caused water and electricity to meet up downstairs ; well let 's just say I wasn 't at my best during those particular executive sessions . How had all this begun ? That , my friend , is the moral of this little saga . The LOC had , in a flurry of DIY enthusiasm , replaced a small flex hose behind the downstairs toilet . This piece of equipment was about a foot or so long and cost approximately two and a half dollars . He said it was a no - brainer . ( Perfect descriptor ! ) Problem : when you affix a new hose onto anything , you must adjust the pressure of the fitting to match the water pressure of the flow that will be going through it . There is probably some dynamic law of aqua - engineering that puts this in more succinct terms , but essentially , there you have it . The LOC had worked on this little gem a day or two before the flood , and he had put too much torque on the connection - in other words , he tightened it too much . As the pressure built up in the hose , eventually it was bound to blow . # # # # # Isn 't that just like life ? We can think we are attending to things in a timely manner ; but if our own frustrations or intensity cause us to put too much pressure on even a small thing , something is bound to blow . When it does , the damage can be completely out of proportion to the initial issue . We may then find ourselves wandering about in a flood of emotions , with our inner - angst fans blowing regret and dismay 24 / 7 , and all the while we are thinking , if only I had approached that issue with a little more finesse , a little more kindness . If only I had not put the tightening pressure on her / him to that extent . Indeed , we live and learn . So today , the LOC first visited the local ACE hardware . He is practically renting space there lately , and our little mountain hamlet hardware store has helpful , friendly staff . So the LOC nips down there frequently , sometimes two or three times a day . Today 's visit produced good suggestions from the professionals there as to how the LOC should go about fixing a leaky sink problem we are having . He followed their instructions to no avail . Then he cleverly took photos on his phone of the problem areas and went back down to Ace Hardware . After much consultation they suggested the problem might be a little more involved than they initially realized and that it likely was going to require some drilling , replacing equipment , etc . And guess what ? The LOC called a friend , got a good recommendation , and called a local plumber ! Then he called me to brag about his newly found wisdom . I 'm as proud of him as a speckled pup . ( My grandfather used to say that . I never understood it , but it seemed to fit here . ) Meanwhile , Mrs . LOC ( that would me me ) is trying to learn when to ease up and not put quite so much pressure on myself and others . . . I hope . The cost and the disruption to daily living are simply too high . Just a thought . . . . Until next time - Marsha The practice was making more money than it ever had and the doctors were thrilled . The time came when the original staff simply could no longer keep up with the patient volume we were seeing each day and something had to be done . It was decided that the most cost effective way to increase our productivity was to hire a high school intern to come in to do the " scutt work " ( cleaning the operatories , putting the instruments in the autoclave , filing , filing and more filing , etc . ) each afternoon . I was both excited and scared . The first few candidates did not appeal , but about the second day of interviews in walked a lovely looking girl , a senior in high school , who was articulate and seemed to really want the job . Keep in mind it did not pay a lot , but it could be a chance for the person chosen to explore a career possibility . It would be hard work , too . One of the dentists met her briefly and told me it was up to me . He didn 't really care who I hired , just as long as we got some help quickly . So Lily was hired , and told she could begin the next afternoon . I do not know for certain who it was that showed up the next day , an evil twin perhaps ; but whoever she was , she bore only a passing resemblance to Lily . First , her fingernails seemed to have grown about an inch and a half overnight . I don 't know how that happened , but whereas in the interview they were clean , cut short , and unremarkable , now they resembled a siren 's tools of the trade , bright red and looonnng . ( How was she going to scrub Comet out of sinks with those ? ) Finally , the Lily who showed up for the job was dressed nothing like the Lily I had hired . For the interview she wore a demure black skirt and white blouse . For her first day on the job she appeared in some spandex get - up , that from the waist down seemed to resemble a wide belt more than a skirt . To be fair , she had spectacular legs , but this was supposed to be a medical office , not a strip club . To frost the cake if you will , when she put away her purse , and got ready to get down to business , she flipped out a little ruffled apron about the size of a handkerchief and daintily tied it around her waist which was about the size of a straw . The apron looked like one of those French maid get - ups in a farce . I half expected her to whip out a little feather duster to match it . I was chagrined , but hoped that it was just first day jitters causing her to over - reach in the " please notice me " department . Unfortunately , the second and the third day were no better . Moreover , the younger of the two dentists was a handsome guy who was not above a little flirting and Ms . Lily took to that like a duck to water . She was only seventeen , but she was going on thirty . # # # # # By day three , it was obvious that I had made a " hiring error . " The younger doctor called me back to his office and informed me that it was not working out and Lily would have to go . " Oh , surely we could give her a little more time to fit in ? I would hate to see you fire her so quickly . " Dr . R . looked at me askance and said with no trace of humor in his voice , " Marsha , I am not going to fire her . You hired her . You fire her . " End of discussion . I began to try to reason with him and pointed out that at least she had a cheerful disposition . No matter . " Marsha , let me help you understand something . I work a - l - l - l - l day long with a high - speed drill , three inches from the patient 's brain . She is going to come tripping down the hall , past one of the open treatment doors , in that spandex micro - mini skirt , and before you know it , someone is going to get a lobotomy ! " As most of you may know , the term " wardrobe malfunction " entered our social lexicon several years ago , when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake engineered what they later called an accident ( wardrobe malfunction ) involving the baring of Ms . Jackson 's breast during the Super Bowl half - time show . # # # # # When I re - entered the workforce , I had my own wardrobe crises ; but it didn 't involve any public nudity . Just plenty of private anxiety and public self - consciousness . Here was the deal . When our " worldly goods " were all taken , that included our clothing . We had one or two small suitcases of basic essentials to last a day or two , for all five of us , as we thought we would be unpacking the rest in a few days . The rest was now gone . Meanwhile , just a few weeks later , I had an office job ( not the temporary typing pool gig ) but an permanent job in a professional medical office as the office manager . And this office did not use " scrubs " for the front office personal , even though it was a dental office and all the chair side assistants wore scrubs . So I had a major wardrobe dilemma on my hands - or rather , in my empty closet . I went back to work , five days a week in possession of the following " outfits " : one black skirt , one navy blue skirt , one cream blouse , one white blouse , and one pink dress . That was it . The work week would proceed - sartorially speaking - along the following schedule : Monday - black skirt with white blouse To illustrate how obvious my little wardrobe malfunction really was , I had a birthday a few months after beginning that job . The older dentist 's wife visited the office unexpectedly that afternoon , and waited until the other staff were all gone for the day . Then she handed me a big white box with a lovely bow on the top and said , " We hope you won 't be offended ; but we noticed you could probably use something like this . " Inside was a wonderful grey wool A - line skirt and a matching blouse with various shades of grey , black and pale pink stripes . I was so touched , and embarrassed , that they had observed how sparse my clothing selection was , that I just didn 't know what to say . But I found my manners long enough to thank her sincerely - and him too . The truth was that I had always been a bit of what my grandmother called a " clothes horse " before the robbery . So it was especially humiliating to me to have to accept charity and to have my clothing donated to me by others , however well intended . But God wanted me to learn , really learn , something I had memorized in my head as a teenager ; but obviously had not learned in my heart as well as I should have . Please do not misunderstand . I do not believe that God objects if we wear good quality clothing , when we can afford it . There came a time , much later in my career , when I had a closet full of suits like Jones of New York purchased at Nordstrom 's , Macy 's , and the like . But I had learned , the hard way , that my identity was not defined by the label on my clothing ; but by the label on my heart . In fact , some twenty two years after the dental office , I was a vice president in a company of over one thousand employees . The CEO and the Board were dangling a huge bonus in front of me if I would just " go along to get along " on a program about which I had reservations . I am talking " down payment on a house " huge . For many years my fondest hope , and unfulfilled desire , was to go to college . In my early adulthood , as the mother of three children , I simply had no opportunity to do that . I know many young mothers ( and fathers ) do attend school and work and parent , and it was not that I was unwilling to give that a try . Rather , it was that we moved frequently , and only a time or two did we live in a town large enough to have a local university . then basically you had no options . I had none of the three , so I felt doomed to ignorance . Then I stopped boo - hooing to myself and got busy . If I was not going to be able to get a college education in the foreseeable future , I simply decided to become auto - didactic . ( That is a fun word , isn 't it ? Simply means self - taught . ) First , I read the text books my husband had used in Bible college . I read hermeneutics , homiletics , theology , church history , and pretty much any thing else I could get my hands on . And I used Strong 's Exhaustive Concordance as often as a cook uses salt and pepper . Since I could not study Greek and Hebrew , I could at least learn to cross - reference effectively . I still have a copy and it does not have dust on it . Next I stumbled across C . S . Lewis and fell in love ( intellectually speaking , that is ) . For about two years I read pretty much everything he had ever written and then began reading other authors he quoted , recommended , or who had written about him . This led me to J . R . R . Tolkien , George MacDonald , and Lewis B . Smeade , among others . This enjoyable intellectual exercise might have gone on indefinitely , albeit to no great purpose . . However , after we lost everything , I needed to go back into the workforce - quickly . There was no time to go to a technical school , or take a bookkeeping course , or obtain some other type of training to acquire paying skills . I needed a paycheck now . I had not worked outside the home for any significant length of time for nearly fifteen years . But a friend , who knew how desperate I was , offered me immediate part - time clerical work in the office where she was the manager . I gratefully accepted , after assuring her that I did have the two skills she required . I knew how to answer a telephone professionally and I could type . For any woman who has ever had to walk back into a professional environment after years of being a stay - at - home parent , I do not need to tell you how nerve - wracking this was . That first Monday morning she showed me my work station , told me where she would be should I need her , and indicated a stack of forms to be typed , next to the machine I would be using . Then she left . I sat down , fidgeted around a minute or two , located the pencil sharpener , and sharpened a couple of pencils . ( I don 't know why . I wasn 't going to do a cursive assignment ; I was assigned to type . But nerves were not being logical in the moment . ) Finally I thought , " Come on , Marsha . You can do this . " And I reached for the on switch for the electric typewriter . ( It was still a couple of years before ubiquitous PCs appeared on every desk . ) No switch . Now I glanced quickly around to see if I could spot anyone else just firing up their machine . Phooey . The others already appeared to be on their second or third form of the day . I had not even started and I was already behind . I looked around to see if I could spot my friend , but no , she had left the room to go into an adjacent office . I re - checked the keyboard , just in case there was a key there labeled " Power " or " On / Off " or something equally subtle . Nuh - uh . I could feel a slow flush beginning to creep up my neck out of my collar and heading straight for my cheeks . Here a friend had done me a favor , offered me a chance to make some money knowing how badly I needed it , and I could not even figure out how to turn the darned typewriter on ! Oh , the shame of it . The agony of embarrassment . At last , I saw my friend re - enter the room and I slowly got up and walked toward her as she looked at me with a puzzled expression . She later told me , her expression must have been in response to my expression , which she described as one of sheer horror . She didn 't know if I was having a heart attack , or had gotten word of a tragedy at home , or what ! I had quickly gone from being an intellectual hot - shot , to being a fat - fingered fool ; and it stung . For the rest of the day I typed like a woman possessed . I did not take a coffee break , I did not visit the ladies room ( no need since there had been no coffee ) , I barely read what I typed . I just typed . . . . and tried not to cry . My mother - in - law , Lucy , ( I can use her real name because she has long since gone on to her reward ) was a funny little woman . She didn 't mean to be . In fact , she often took the oddest things so seriously that I could not quite figure out what was going on . For example , she loved reading the almanac , and knowing exactly when sunset was going to be each evening . You know , 5 : 52 p . m . today , 5 : 54 p . m . tomorrow , etc . I am not sure why this statistic was important to her , but she always liked watching the paranormal soap opera of the day , Dark Shadows , so maybe that had something to do with it . She loved to cook , which worked out well for me while we were there , because I don 't much like to cook . I love to eat , though . Too bad my preferences don 't run the other way around . Meat dishes were her specialty , and an ordinary meat - cooking process went something like this . First she would fry it for awhile , because that is what her generation did . Remember my generation is the first to try to switch from frying to steaming or baking , and frankly , it has been a tough transition . I 'm just saying . . . . Naturally , with this kind of cooking inclination , she thought the micro - wave , when it came out during the latter days of her life , was the greatest invention since sliced bread . She loved to nuke things : bread things , and vegetable things , and meat things . . . oh , my goodness , she could reconstitute a week - old pork chop like nobody 's business . I am still in awe . Excuse me , while I pop a Tums in honor of the memory . The most unique menu she ever shared with us came about one evening a few months into our stay . I suspect she had just worn herself out frying and steaming and baking and broiling ( oh , now there was an adventure not to be missed ! ) . She was , after all , in her late seventies , when she suddenly found herself trying to keep three rambunctious kids filled ( two of them teen age boys ) . So on the evening in question she had decided to go lightly on the cooking . I had gone to work in an office by then , and thus was at least out from under her feet for eight hours each day . I would , however , help set the table when I got home . In preparation for that , I privately asked K . ( because I needed to be able to control my reaction when I saw it on the table for the first time ) , " What 's for dinner this evening ? " I stood stock still for a moment trying to figure out how that would work . Did you put the mashed potatoes into the soup ? Some kind of puree , perhaps ? Did you serve the soup first , and then the mashed potatoes were the a la carte entree ? Nope . I could not work it out . So I walked away with a blank look on my face . It turned out the soup was served the regular way , in small soup bowls . And the mashed potatoes were served on little plates as a side dish . Allll righteeee , then . # # # # # It was a tough six months . Not because of Lucy . I would say she was generous in the extreme with her home and help when you consider what a shock to her daily routine it must have been , to go from living alone , to suddenly having two teen age boys , a third - grade girl , and their parents all over your house . She was a real trooper about it . But I have to say , it was not easy . I was now thirty - six years old , and did not own a dish , bed , or towel of my own . You could say I was cranky . Yes , you could certainly say that . However , this mini - series was a melodrama , and at the end of the last episode , as the credits rolled our daughter looked at her father and me and asked , " I don 't get it . Where were the happy parts ? " We laughed and laughed . You may be wondering about now , where are the happy parts in my story . Truly , I am looking forward to sharing those with you . But in order for those parts to be seen in an accurate context , you must first know what came before . Thus we will slog on for a bit . I do hope that you will find the journey worthwhile , when we come to the conclusion of my story . It is enough for the reader to know that the perpetrator was sentenced to eight years in prison after pleading guilty . I was shaken to my core over the matter , and pretty angry with God for allowing this to happen . I knew that evil is present in the world , and that God will not override our free will , even to prevent harm , except in unusual cases . Still , when wickedness touches one of our own , we are seared and scarred by it . Additionally , because it was a small town , the perpetrator 's family knew we had pressed charges and they threatened us , if we would not drop them . We kept praying and refused . We received " anonymous " phone calls in the middle of the night . Things were thrown against our house in the night as well . It was a nightmare that lasted for months . Then suddenly , after only serving a year and a half of his sentence , we learned that he was to be paroled right back to our community . I was in a panic . One day at the grocery store I came around the end of an aisle and came face to face with his wife . She looked at me with such hatred that it carried the force of a physical blow . I went home and told K . , " We have to move . I cannot live here anymore knowing he will soon be back . We have to think of the safety of our family . " I do not know whether it was God 's will for us to make that move . All I do know is that we went with heavy hearts , but high hopes that things would be better in the new environment . It was not to be . But when I awoke from this dream , my heart was pounding and I felt as though I had already lived through the events in it . It was so real , so detailed . K . and I had already discussed returning to the West Coast , but a few days after my dream , he also told me what his plan was for making the move . When he told me this plan , I turned cold and clammy , and literally felt my heart began to pound . Now I am known to be a very practical , sensible individual . I do not engage in the ethereal . However , I felt compelled to tell him about the dream wherein our moving van had been left over night at a parking lot and discovered stolen the next morning . I explained how real the dream was . Then I said to him , " My worst nightmare , after all we have been through these past two or three years , would be to have the moving truck stolen and find ourselves destitute and living with your mother . " We tried to get a rider placed on our home owner 's policy , but the insurance company declined to issue one because we were moving ourselves instead of hiring Mayflower or a similar professional moving company . We could not afford to do that . Thus it was an uninsured move . On November 13 , 1981 we parked the moving van in a vacant church parking lot , surrounded by a six foot chain link fence , with padlocked gates and drove the hundred and fifty miles to his mother 's . We dropped the kids off , stayed only an hour or so and then turned around and drove back , to spend the night with our friend and his wife . They had two very small children and a small house , and that is why we had taken the three kids elsewhere . I sat in the office for fifteen minutes or so , and wondered what could be taking so long . Then K . walked in ashen - faced . I took one look at him and said , " It 's gone , isn 't it ? It 's been stolen . " He knew that I had described this very event in detail . I had even said that this church was located in a high - crime area and was a particular risk , even discounting my dream . We had discussed my reservations for nearly an hour that day ; and as always , my opinion did not matter . My concerns did not count . He would do as he thought best ; and the rest of us would pay the price . It turned out that the pastor had been trying to help rehabilitate a young man with a drug history , who was working part time for the church as a janitor . The young man was back on drugs , and had keys to the premises . He knew of a drug ring operating in the area who fenced stolen property for five cents on the dollar , taking the stolen goods to the Bay Area and selling them over night . The police located the van abandoned on a country road by the next day . It was empty . An entire three - bedroom household of furniture , our linens , dishes , clothing , our musical instruments ( my son 's Benj trumpet , my other son 's Elgin symbols and drum set , my Baldwin piano ) everything . . . gone . Baby pictures , birth certificates , tax records - seventeen years of marriage and family life wiped out . My daughter sometimes says it would be easier to be able to say " we lost everything in a fire " - as this happens to thousands of people each year . It is terrible , but something we hear of and read about , so it is comprehensible even if horrible . Our loss was so bizarre it was tough to explain . Now the brick wall was building in my own heart . The losses and griefs of the past two years were the beginning , but they were unforeseen . A complete shock . But this loss , was not only foreseeable , but we had been forewarned and due to K . 's complete inability to value any opinion but his own , we were now homeless , and without the means to acquire one . I have attempted to write this chapter at least three times , and I cannot seem to get it right . The bare facts are that , after about fifteen years of marriage , outwardly our circumstances looked better than they ever had ; we bought a new home , and our congregation was growing . Nevertheless , privately I felt like something was deeply wrong in our marriage and I did not know what it was . Neither did I know what to do about it , except to pray . Late one evening , after the kids were asleep , K . asked me what was bothering me . I tried to explain that I could not seem to get through to him . I felt like there was some kind of wall between us and I could only get to know him up to a point , and then I would run into a brick wall . He was charming and well - liked by nearly everyone who knew him . Admittedly , I was not - so - charming since being frequently in the public eye chafed at me and social small talk bored me ; and thus I was not exactly all sunshine and light . I can honestly say that I was dependable and loyal ; but it was not enough . # # # # # None of us can say what causes another person to make the choices they make or to do the things they do . We can guess , we can surmise , we can draw our own conclusions . But only God can really know . I will never know what caused K . to finally tell me what was behind the wall . Perhaps he thought I would eventually find out anyway , and it was better to tell it his own way . Perhaps he sincerely wanted to change . He said he did not want to lose me . In any case , he made his disclosure , and in that single hour the world shifted on its axis and my life collapsed . How could I have been so blind ? How could I have been so stupid ? What I later came to think of as the " decade of despair " was only beginning . It would get worse , much worse . Fortunately , I did not know that , and at the time it was all I could do to breathe in and breathe out ; and even that seemed like too much trouble . I knew Christians were supposed to be over comers , but instead I was overcome , with sorrow . Shortly after all this occurred , I was dusting the bedroom furniture one afternoon , when I was the only one at home . There was a gospel record playing on the stereo and that is all I remembered until I came to about an hour later , laying on the bedroom floor . I had fainted from the sheer weight of the grief I was carrying . The marriage lasted another eight years . But after many more losses and sorrows , we decided upon a trial separation . That was what we had discussed . Instead , he filed for divorce almost immediately , and re - married the week our divorce was final . I was forty , but most days I felt more like I was ninety : tired and used up . It was not all his fault . Near the very end , I contributed to the demise of our marriage . Looking back , I wondered whether it might not have been better if I had walked away eight years earlier . " For I know the plans I have for you . " declares the Lord . " Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future . " Jeremiah 29 : 11 This may be the most difficult portion of my story to write because it involves those whose story it also is , and who have not consented to have their portion told . Thus I need to be both circumspect and gentle , while remaining truthful . Bear with me . It will take more than one chapter . I first met K . , my future husband , at church and we dated all through high school . We had become engaged in November of my senior year in high school , while K . my fiance , was now in his second year of college . In some ways , we were typical high school sweethearts , who married young and intended to stay that way for the rest of our lives . To my deepest regret , it did not turn out that way . People sometimes said to us , and / or about us , that we were " so cute , the perfect couple " and from outward appearances it must have seemed that way . Privately , however , we argued a lot , broke up and reunited over and over again , and I could see that the relationship had serious problems . Some were mine , some were his ; but combined they were a toxic brew . I was the oldest child , raised to be super - responsible if you will , because Mom had no choice but to use me as a surrogate parent for my younger sisters . We lived twenty - five hundred miles away from any family , and there was no one else she could count on . So at twelve I was cooking meals , cleaning house , and watching my two sisters while Mom was at work all day . She once said to me , when I was about fifteen , " Marsha , you were never a child . You were born a little old lady . " I thought to myself , " No , Mom , you and Dad made me a little old lady , without ever having a chance to be a child . " But of course , I said nothing , even though she had hurt my feelings more than she could possibly know . K . , by contrast , was an only child , but tragically so . His mother had had an older son , who drowned in a river while on a church picnic . She had also had a little girl , three years younger than K . , who died of cancer when K . was six years old and her daughter was three . Thus , he was her only surviving child . K . once told me that after his little sister 's death his mother fell into a deep depression that lasted over five years . During that time he was benignly neglected ; fed , clothed and loved , but often ignored and left to himself . When she at last achieved some level of recovery , although he said she was never the same , she simply gave him anything he wanted as soon as it could be obtained . She waited on him hand and foot , and nothing was too much to do for him . His father was a kind and gentle soul , who did not seem to have the ability to stand up to either K . or his mother , and thus by the time I met K . when he was sixteen , he was the prince of their household , and no one questioned him about his actions , desires , or misdeeds . As best I can figure out , he married me because he wanted a loving caregiver to continue meeting all his needs much as his mother had done . I married him , because I had determined very early on to marry someone whom I thought would be the complete opposite of my father in every way . My Dad was loud , K . was quiet , my Dad was rough - spoken , K . was soft - spoken . Even in appearance they were opposites , as my Dad was a short man , and K . was tall . Of course , we also thought we were in love , but looking back I doubt that either of us knew much about what genuine love might be . My guess is that he sometimes found me boring and I have no doubt that I was . I was an introverted bookworm . I found him to be reckless , whether it was driving the car at close to one hundred miles per hour , with me in the passenger seat petrified ; or running up credit card debt that we could ill afford . Nevertheless , for nearly twenty three years we did the best we could , or so I thought ; and for twenty of those years , he was in the ministry and we pastored four small churches in succession . We were poor as the proverbial church mice , but I hardly knew any thing else so it did not much trouble me , unless the bills were not getting paid . I recall having some women over to visit one day , and offering them tea . K . was not home , he rarely was , and could not be reached by phone . Thus it was that evening before he came home and discovered no dinner cooked ( no water ) and me in tears . He shrugged it off as " no big deal " and the next day got the water service restored . It was a small incident but it was a harbinger of worse things to come . He liked living on the edge , trying new and exciting things whether we could afford them or not , and he enjoyed traveling away from home a great deal - while the kids and I stayed behind . Like most pastors who lead small local congregations , he had to work outside jobs to help support our family . I certainly understood that . But what I could not quite understand was why he invariably chose jobs that required him to travel a lot . We also moved frequently . So here I was , once again , packing and unpacking every few months or years , never knowing where we would be next . I was stuck in a repeat of my rambling childhood , one which I had hoped to escape . During the first ten years of our marriage , we moved eleven times living in six different towns . Yes , in some towns we lived in two or three different houses . I longed for some stability . Life on the edge did not appeal to me . Next : Behind the Wall I love a good routine . I do not find routines dull , or boring or a waste of my time . In fact , in my experience a good routine is often more productive than about any other approach to living . You know , the idea of jumping fleas , being trained to jump or not jump and when , where , and how high ? Just add " what and who " and you would also have trained flea journalists , would you not ? Lately , I 'm doing a lot of jumping too , the difference being I often do not know where or when I will be called upon to jump next , and certainly I have no idea how high . And I 'm a short person , so that is another problem . Then yesterday , I moaned picking up a pencil I had dropped , until I had to blush after realizing it wasn 't under the sofa , or even on the floor . It was on a table right in front of me . Now that is embarrassing ! You only get one geezerwheel , at least as far as I know it is still one to a customer , and it has to last you your whole life long . At the rate mine is gyrating , I 'm pretty sure I am not long for this world . I 'm too old for hot flashes and too young for assisted living , so I guess there is nothing for it but to keep jumping . But I gotta ' tell ' ya - the old geezerwheel just isn 't what it used to be . # # # # # Hope your geezerwheel is in better shape than mine is in - and that you can actually recall what it is for . Until next time . . . jumping jehosephat . . . it 's Marsha One of the two enduring pleasurable activites of my life is public speaking . The other , if you have not already guessed , is writing . The first time I stepped up to a microphone to speak in a formal setting was at my eighth grade graduation , as I had been chosen as one of the two speakers from my class . That in itself was surprising , because I had only moved to the little town in Northern California during the semester break and the whole five months from then until graduation was a comedy of errors and misunderstandings . But it was kind of fun . Because I had been to so many different schools my transcripts , as you can imagine , were like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle . Three months here , six months there - it was a mess . My 8th grade year , I had begun the school year in Illinois , moved to the state of Washington , went to school there for three months , and then we moved to California at the holiday break , landing in the little town of Oakley ( not the real name ) in late December just before Christmas . Oakley 's elementary school system , in 1959 , was configured on a structure that was already outdated even then . For example , top students were placed in 8 - A and the worst academic students were assigned to 8 - D . Anytime you had to say which class you were in , it was like announcing that you were either " smart , stupid , or so - so " . In between the two extremes , 8 - B and 8 - C were similarly arranged based upon the students ' prior year 's performance . Because my transcript had not yet arrived from Washington the day Mom took me to enroll in school , I was assigned to 8 - D . Mom tried valiantly to explain that I was an A student and should not be placed in 8 - D . It wasn 't that she thought less of students who struggled with their studies , but she thought I would not be very challenged in those classes . The registration people did not believer her and insisted upon putting me in the lower class . And it was lower , literally , as it was housed in the basement of the school , with the only windows being up near the ceiling , as we looked at the ground and a couple of feet above it . We never saw the sky from that classroom . As it turned out , it was one of the best experiences of my entire elementary education , and here is why . Students in the " middle classes " of 8 - B and 8 - C had apparently settled into their own comfort zone , and this included their teachers . But between 8 - A and 8 - D there existed a keen rivalry in everything from dodge ball to spelling contests . Enter bright - eyed naive Marsha from the Midwest , who knew nothing of all of this . As soon as I had turned in a few assignments , my teacher , Mr . Van de K . , began to pay special attention to me . He would smile and nod as he read my papers and soon was using some of my work as examples to the rest of the class , to my embarrassment . ( I was trying to fit in , after all . ) Before long , whenever we were having study time , he would say to me , " Marsha , go over and see if you can help Janie ( or Mary or whomever ) with the assignment , since you have finished yours . " I was glad to do it and was surprised to find my help was welcomed . Many of these kids wanted to do well , but did not have a parent at home to help with homework or they just needed things explained at their own level . It was fun " playing teacher " and it helped me make friends more quickly . Near the middle of the semester the annual essay contest was announced . Fliers were distributed all over school and some were posted at businesses around town . Mr . Van de K . approached me and suggested that I enter the contest . He and Mrs . C . , the haughty 8 - A teacher , had been sniping at each other for years , as each year one of her students would win the contest . She was not kind about it , and Mr . Van de K . was sick and tired of his students being the brunt of her archly condescending criticism . The topic of the essay contest was assigned each year by a panel consisting of members of the school board and the chamber of commerce . That year 's topic was to be " Historical Trailways " highlighting the paths that had led to America 's greatness . Immediately trails like the Appalachian Trail , the Lewis and Clark Trail , the Pony Express route , etc . sprang to mind . Okay , it was not brilliant , but it was enough " off the beaten path " so to speak , that it caught the judges ' attention . ( I know , that was a pitiful pun . Sometimes I just can 't help myself . ) The day they announced that I had won , and took my picture for the local paper , I was more tickled to see Mr . Van de K . 's ear - to - ear grin than I was over winning . Of course , my parents were proud , although a bit startled . I remember my mother asking me , " How do you think of these things . " I didn 't know , I just knew that concepts interested me more than the concrete . Well , school was a smile - a - thon for several days . Mrs . C . grudgingly congratulated me , while snidely insinuating that " maybe I had had a little help ? " I thought Mr . Van de K . was going to blow a gasket when I told him what she had said . Next , Mrs . C . belatedly tried to arrange to have me transferred to her class . Mr . Van de K . offered me the choice , and I politely declined , saying I liked it where I was . He grinned some more and went to tell the highbrowed Mrs . C . that " Marsha had elected to stay in the basement with his class . " She barely spoke to me the rest of the year . So ended the year , with my invitation to speak at the graduation . Mr . Van de K . strutted around the school grounds like a proud mother hen for days , and several of the kids in 8 - D cheered when my name was announced as a graduation speaker . Finally , they had a champion and I was as glad for them as they were for me . 8 - D had made the grade ! And I had made some friends . My mother never taught me to cook . She didn 't like to have anyone " under her feet " in the kitchen and that included her daughters . She never taught me to sew - she never taught me to clean a house ( although you could not live with her and not learn how to clean things just by watching her go at it ) . But , honey , you 'd better believe she taught me how to iron clothes . And tablecloths , and dishtowels , and pillow cases , and dresser scarves . . . and , well you get the idea . It if could be washed in our house , it was going to be ironed and that was a guarantee . This was no easy way to make a dollar , as there was no such thing as permanent press in those days . You had to put water in an clean coke bottle , with a handy little cork stopper with an aluminum sprinkler head on it . This device was used to sprinkle - or dampen - the clothes to be ironed . Each piece was then rolled into a loose ball and placed in the clothes basket to await its turn on the ironing board . Steam irons were still in the future , at least for us . And then there was spray starch - now that was an adventure . There was Niagara , of course , and Faultless and a couple of other brands . If you got lucky and had a good can , you could spray a nice even sheen over the garment , and when you were finished with it , it smelled wonderful and looked almost brand new . But if it was a bad can , or the little spray hole had gotten clogged , well , you knew you were in for a long afternoon of struggling to iron out spots where the starch had made a watermark on the fabric , or where it flaked off behind the iron , leaving a little white trail of stuff . A bad can of spray starch was a misery to be sure . By the time I was in high school , I ironed well enough that I could also make some money by doing ironing . I can 't remember the pricing structure from those days , but it seems to me it was something like twenty five cents for a shirt or a blouse , fifty cents for a pair of pants or slacks , fifteen cents a piece for pillow cases . It was quite an accomplishment to make five dollars doing ironing . # # # # Mom was a " extreme iron - er " and Dad was an extreme neat - freak about his own shirts . He would refuse to wear anything that was not ironed to perfection . He always dressed like a million dollars , even if he was unemployed and did not know how he was going to make his car payment . By this time Mom was a seasoned co - dependent and enabler , so she carefully ironed every shirt as though he was a monarch , and he had lots of shirts ; even during the times when she had not had a new dress in years . As a young girl watching all this play out , I thought she was either weak or crazy or both . Good grief , why didn 't she just refuse to do it anymore , or tell him to iron his own darned shirts ? Yes , I was a Christian , but I was bound and determined not to become the kind of Christian my mother seemed to be , kowtowing to someone who was undependable on a good day , and wretchedly unkind on a bad one . As I have revisited these things in my memories , I have come to realize why it is that nearly every autobiographical story I have ever read , was only written after the author 's own parents were gone . It would be too painful to write the truth and have them read it ; and too frustrating to write a phony account . My parents are both gone . My mother was with us until 2010 and went peacefully to be with the Lord , at the age of eighty two , as I stood by her bedside . But dad . . . how to tell this chapter without straying into the maudlin or the horrific ? He became increasingly violent , and our lives became a melodrama complete with broken furniture to accompany the broken promises , temporary restraining orders ( TRO ) which local police ignored because dad was so charming when they came to the house to " interview " him about the disturbances , and finally threats on our lives , mine in particular . He could intimidate , even terrify , my two younger sisters . But somehow I had become immune to his ranting and threats and refused to bow and scrape to him . It infuriated him so much that he began to tell my mother that some day , while she was at work , he was going to kill me . He no longer lived with us but he knew how to break into the house and did . My mother did not believe in divorce , but finally filed for one because the police told her they would not enforce her restraining orders against my father , unless she was divorcing him . This was before the days of " no fault " or " irreconcilable differences " . Her attorney told her that her most assured way of getting the TRO I was fifteen , and had been having stomach problems for quite some time . Twice I was taken to the ER with stomach attacks so serious that the doctor diagnosed ulcers and told my mother the next time he would have to hospitalize me . I was skinny as a rail , and could only keep food down by taking a quarter of a cup of creamed papaya before each meal to coat my stomach . The day I testified , my dad 's presence was not required in court . But at the last minute , in he walked , straight down to the front row of seats , and took a seat directly across from the witness stand where I had just been seated . The entire time that I answered the attorney 's questions ( probably not more than fifteen minutes but it seemed like an eternity ) my father looked at me sadly and shook his head from side to side as though every word I was saying was a complete lie . The judge granted my mother the divorce and we went directly home , where I threw up for several hours narrowly avoiding a return trip to the hospital . I rarely saw my father for the next few years . I married just after high school and had two little boys . We lived an hour 's drive from where my mother lived . When I was eight months pregnant with my third child , there was a knock on our door one evening . The visitor was there to inform us that my father 's body had been discovered in a large city a few hours south of where we lived . He had actually lived with us ( my husband and our two little boys and me ) for several months the year before his death . He called one day out of the blue when I had not seen him in nearly two years , and asked if he could come to dinner . I said yes , provided he wasn 't drinking . He showed up shaky but sober . . . and stayed six months in our spare room . ( Talk about the old joke " the man who came to dinner and stayed six months . " ) During that time we talked quietly a few times about life , faith , and forgiveness . He was in AA and he sometimes went to church with us , but we did not make an issue of it . God had worked on both our hearts and I was hopeful he was in recovery . So now , at twenty - six , I was preparing for his funeral . He was forty - six when he died . Because he had left some clothing at our house the year before , when the funeral home asked who could bring some clothes for him to be buried in , I said that I could . But that day , as I ironed the shirt he would be buried in , I prayed and the tears flowed , and I said in my heart , " Ah , Dad , only a daughter would iron a shirt for you to be buried in . A son would not be doing this for you . But I will . " I said goodbye to him , without anger in my heart , and with the bitterness ebbing away . I was not , and am not , a perfect Christian ; but I have nearly always tried to be an obedient one . That day , I was glad I had said " yes " when he asked for a place to live for those months . And I was glad I had learned to iron so well . # # # # There is a time for everything , and a season for every activity under heaven : We live in a noisy world . This is not " new information " I realize . However , I am lately more and more aware of how clamorous our . . .
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I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . So many years . . . . . so many dark memories for these children . Children who did nothing wrong . Who 's lives were stolen from them by an impostor . Someone they thought they could trust . After all , he worked at their favorite place to play . He was dressed as one of their favorite characters . How could they have ever known . . . . that it would come to this ? Of course , years and years of pain . . . it makes people do things they never thought they would do . Makes them angry . And hurt . Revenge was something they thought would fix everything . But , it didn 't . When the man who betrayed them died , his soul stayed . It didn 't make them any happier , didn 't fix what was broken . And now , they were stuck with him forever . Perhaps , more killing would ? Yes , after all , there were plenty more people like this man . More people in that security outfit . They had to be bad too . All they had to do was get rid of all the bad guys . And so , they killed . And killed . Every person they saw when it was time for them to roam , they killed , and made like them . Yet , was wasn 't anything working ? Why couldn 't these children just move on ? Was there anything that could put their souls at ease ? Or would the pain far in the past continue to haunt them worse than they haunted others ? Okay before I give information , I would just like to say that this is an RP . No one truely knows the whole story of what happened with the five children and so I have to think to put together a version that can be successfully rped . Thus , what I put here is for the RP and I will not change it because it ' doesn 't go with the theory ' . If you constantly are bickering about theory and the plot you will be kicked off the rp . Now , onto the information : 1 . There are more ghosts in this rp than just the five children . These ghosts include the Purple Guy , the ghost controlling the marionette , and possibly others depending on how things go . 2 . There will be a Nightguard but if you have noticed , for sake of not only having two or three older people in the rp , I have added in two other humans . These will preferably be employees at Freddy 's . 3 . In the rp , in contrast to the games , it will be in a Freddy 's Pizzeria that the children are set free , not the Freddy 's Fright . It just makes things easier since a lot of the characters were left out in that one XD 4 . The animatronics can not move during the day . This is kind of obvious . But that doesn 't mean the ghosts can 't : 3 This also doesn 't mean ghosts can go crazy during the day scaring people either . Ghosts , show yourselves in moderation not all the time . For the sake of the rp , we will say the ghosts can chose when they want to show themselves and when they don 't . This rp will take place in this year ( 2017 ) . The timeline of games to now goes : FNAF4 , FNAF2 , FNAF , and the rp would be basically canceling out FNAF3 . I think FNAF4 and 2 happened in the same week as well , so keep that in mind . 6 . The ghosts are able to choose when they can and can 't become solid , though it takes years of trying ( of course , them being ghosts for over thirty years they have been able to accomplish this ) and even then it takes a massive about of concentration to become solid even for just a few moments . This is why they still use the animatronics to do their dirty work . 7 . Instead of the security getting ' trained ' by the tapes with phone guys and such , it will on the job training under the Head of Security . The new security guard is on duty and doing all the work of course , but the Head of Security is there to supervise and is skilled at keeping the animatronics out of the office . This guard is in his twenties and would be pretty experienced at Freddy 's , having worked and survived the night shift a few times . And being a guard would run in his family . In other words I wanted to make this guard related to one very important character in the FNAF games ; The grandson of the Purple Guy . I will be playing this Head of Security so you can read more about him in the Cast List . 1 . Okay , so for the last few group rps I have done people didn 't really get what I meant when I said this was going to be an ADVANCED roleplay and the rp fell through rather quickly . So I 'm going to write out my definition for it that you must follow . Advanced is when you write 3 + paragraphs per character per post , have little grammar and spelling errors , and can move the plot along without cliches . I can understand errors here or there . I 'm not evil or a writing nazi , but I expect capable writers that can move the story forward . Also 3 paragraphs int he minimum . Meaning every post better not be the minimum or else I will kick you out and have your character killed : 3 2 . Going along with rule # 1 . DO NOT POST YOUR CHARACTER SHEET HERE YET . What I need from you , so I can check and approve characters before people post and crowd up the OOC with characters that won 't be used , is that you send me your character , along with a writing sample for a post ( can be one you write on the spot or one from a past rp ) , in conversations . If you post on here without confirming with me first I will not accept you into the rp at all because you did not follow instructions . ( if you are confused about his rule , please pm me and I will be more than happy to explain in better terms for you to understand ^_^ ) . Also , there is no reserving characters . If you want a character you better send your CS in ASAP , other wise it might get taken . This is first come first serve . You cant just message me and say you are interested in a character , I have to see a CS and example post before that character is yours . 3 . Be civil . Don 't start fights . And don 't join in them . You will be kicked from the rp for drama if you do . 4 . You may play multiple characters BUT you must keep the genders of your characters even . 2 Charaacters = 1 Boy and 1 Girl . 4 Characters = 2 Boys and 2 Girls . You get the picture . There are certain cases where I may make exceptions , but for the most part this rule will stay active . 5 . Certain characters have already been marked for genders . This is just because its what we actually know form the games to be true ( well expect for the night guard who I just see as a male so I marked him as that XD don 't hate me ) . So yeah : ) I will also mark genders after someone takes a character just for my own organization . Also , if it gets to the point where one gender is outnumbering the other I may close the signups for whatever gender character is the overpopulating one . 6 . Wow I feel a bit strict . So fun rule time ! Put a banner for your character at the top of your character sheet ! ( for example look to my character ) . You can make it or find one . Or if you absolutely need help I can try to make one for you though I can 't promise it will be the best . 8 . Oh , let 's also get a good range of ages . Don 't make all the ghosts young but not of them old either . The 5 kids that died will range from 5 - 12 , all the other ghost should be older than that . 9 . Every character must of a assigned color . I know this is a weird rule , but its for all of us to be able to tell which character is talking and such . For instance , you post may say Basically , when your character ' speaks ' their color must be used for that text . I know it can be a hassle sometimes but just bare with me . Make sure you incorporate your color into your profile somehow as a way to ' claim ' that color . Otherwise , if you wait until every one else gives me theirs , all that will be left is undesirable colors . and you wouldn 't want that . ( preferably a FNAF song . this is just for fun but at the same time don 't leave it blank ; ) pick a song that says something about your character and have fun with it . If you need suggestions , I know plenty of songs . ) Anna was just your average girl . She was beautiful , well liked , and all around possibly the person with the most promise in her small town . She graduated high school at the top of her class and enrolled in the local university in her home town . Of course , with her living in her home town and her parents working all the time , she offered to watch her younger brother , Jacob when summer time came around , as well as a few of the other kids in town . One of their favorite places to go was Freddy Frazbear 's Pizzeria , which had been recently remodeled with new animatronics and many rooms the children could play in . It was such a great place . Or . . . so she thought . One day , while they were all there , the kids running from room to room playing , Annabella had been doing some summer school work for her university at one of the tables and , due to her having stayed up late studying the night before , fell asleep at the table , only to wake up after closing with one of the workers shaking her awake before walking out saying she had to leave before the Nightguard locked the doors . Confused , the young woman got up and after packing her things , began to walk around the restaurant , trying to find the kids , and hearing them crying , followed the sounds to a room labeled ' Safe Room : Employees Only ' . Despite the sign , hearing them crying , she rushed into the room to see a man , dressed in a purple security guard outfit , hovering over the children that he had cornered with a knife in his hand . It was instinct what she did next . She had to try to defend her younger brother and the other children . Had to save them . It was painful , filled with her screams as the man slowly killed her , torturing her until she finally died and her body stuffed into the box in the prize corner to lay dead beside the old puppet . After he killed her , he killed the children , including her younger brother . He had won . Gifts . Give gifts . Yes , that was what she did . . . . or was it what the Marionette did ? But . . . she was the Marionette , wasn 't she ? Yes . . . yes she was . Her body may have died , but now she had a new one . One that was . . . . less disposable . And now , it was her job to give gifts . And her first gifts ? The gifts of life . The children she died protecting , they would not perish . Their souls would live on . They would be fixed . She would make it so . And that is what she did . They got their revenge in time . It didn 't take long . The man wasn 't as smart as he thought he was . He had stuffed them in suits , and yet he himself was in a suit . One that was his end . The Springtrap . Yet . . . why did she not feel better ? And why weren 't the children at ease ? Perhaps they still had more to do . . . more . . . killing . Other : She 's very angry and has been since the day she and the children were killed . With her soul not at ease and pain she feels , now she will try to kill anyone that wears the same uniform that evil man did , as if it will ebb away at the bitterness and help her pass on . So far though , all it has done is make things worse and make her sick in the head . Unlike most siblings , Jacob actually had a very good relationship with his sister . Perhaps it was the age difference that they were able to get along with one another fairly well . Sure , there were times when his sister got on his nerves and he would try to defy her rules she had when babysitting he and some of his friends , but all together he and his sister were really close . When he found out his sister was babysitting him for the summer , he was a little disappointed . He would have much rather someone who wasn 't apart of his family watch him , but he really didn 't have a choice in the matter and went along with it quietly . Hey , at least she took them to Freddy Frazbear 's Pizzeria alot ! Yet , it was one of those times that they went there where things changed for them . . . forever . When he saw his sister asleep at one of the tables , he didn 't think much of it . After all , his sister had been studying a lot , so maybe she just needed a break . So , he and the other children went on playing , as if nothing was wrong . It was toward closing time though , that something strange happened . One of the workers in a Bonnie suit approached he and his friends , asking them if they wanted to see the newest animatronics in the back getting put together . They agreed happily and followed the man to a part of the restaurant marked for employees only . Though , that was strange . . . where were the animatronics he was talking about ? When they asked him this , he stated there were no new animatronics and , in fact , they were going to be the animatronics . The children , realizing what was going to happen to them , began cowering and crying , the man pulling out his knife , ready to kill Jacob and the other children . Jacob though , maybe , his sister would save them . She jumped at the man , trying to wrestle the knife away from him , but . . . she failed . The children were forced to watch the young woman 's horrible fate , tortured and killed slowly by the man . After he died , he thought that was it . But , he was wrong . He heard his sister , calling his name . Perhaps this was a dream ? He only wished it was , but it wasn 't . When he woke up , he was standing beside the Freddy Frazbear animatronic , but he felt strange . Different . And his sister , she was different too , standing beside the Marionette that used to give them gifts . The marionette seemed to move with his sister , mimicking her actions sometimes . It took him a moment to realize that she was controlling it . And he , when trying , could do the same , expect it was with Freddy . He had no more small frail body that someone could break . No , now he had Freddy . No one would ever break him again . Other : Jacob listens to his sister a lot . If she tells him to do something , he does it without question . If he tells her to calm down , he calms down , if she tells him to listen to her music box , he listens , and if she tells him to kill the security guard . . . . well , how could he argue with that ? Pamela Fiore ( Pam ) Her brother remembers , Sam always remembered things well . She recalls it because he calls her that everyday . She only allows Sam to call her this otherwise she goes by Bonnie . She 'd always been a spritely and cheerful child . Despite her parents distant nature , she had Sam , that was enough . There parents said that since it was two of them they should play together , she had no problem with this ! She loved playing with her little brother , even if he was only a few minutes younger , . It was always just her and Sam . Pam had been especially excitable that day , that is , the day she died . It was their birthday , and their parents had actually remembered the fact . They usually didn 't . To her utter bliss they were going to go to Freddy Fazbear 's , her favorite restaurant . She 'd only been there a measly twice before , but she 'd loved it in each occasion . When they got there , Pam , lost sight of their parents instead pulling Sam along . The party was perfect in her eyes , Her auntie had been there and given them gifts , Bonnie even sand her a song . Pamela would have been content to stay there forever . Then he showed up . He wore a Bonnie outfit which made her happy from the get go , he said that there was cool animatronics around back and would the birthday girl / boy want to look . So she went . When she got there though all she found was a group of scaredy looking know kids . Even Sam behind her looked uneasy . She didn 't understand it , until she saw that knife . Then the first girl died , Pam saw that it was a girl who 'd babysat them , when their parents left them with one . She couldn 't remember her name , But she was helping out with their party that day . Pamela was afraid but she couldn 't let him hurt Sam , the two were huddled up when he finally turned to them . She summoned all her courage , and grabbed Sam , pushing him away . She hoped that he 'd run , or escape . She told him to do so when the man grabbed her . Not much was clear after that . All she could think of was how sorry she was , she 'd probably not see him for a long time . When she woke up she was surprised , she didn 't know why but she didn 't think she be doing that ever again . She noticed when she moved a Bonnie moved with her , she could control the thing . It was amazing , the girl hadn 't forgotten that she 'd died , she wasn 't so angry about that . She was furious though that her brother could 've suffered the same thing . It was unacceptable someone would par dearly for endangering her dear twin . Then she saw him , it was Sam ! That meant . . . Sam hadn 't gotten away . Disappointed yet unperturbed she went over and woke him . Samuel Fiore ( Sam ) he remembers it , he remembered a lot of things . He held fast onto them so that he could never forget . This is my used by Pam however . Otherwise it 's Chica He 'd always noticed things , things that his sister didn 't . He knew how callous their parents were , and that it wasn 't the proper way parents should be . Pam didn 't seem to see though , so he kept it from her . They got on quite well together in fact the two were never far apart for long . He 'd been surprised that his parents bothered to remember their birthday this year , they never cared before . Even more so when they were taken to their favorite resturaunt . He usually was more subdued than his sister but that day he didn 't even care that his parents dropped them off in front of the place , leaving them with a babysitter and driving away . They 'd be back , probably . To be honest he didn 't care , he was to wired . He had a feeling that this would be the most memorable day of his life . He 'd be lying if he said he didn 't have as much fun as he could tell Pam did , because he did . Sam usually found himself unable to just enjoy his childhood due to all the dysfunction laced within it , but all those worries left him temporarily . He ate so many pieces of pizza that he broke a resturaunt record for his age group and got a cardboard crown along with their fees waived . It was a happy surprise as he hadn 't meant to do that , he just wanted to memorize the taste of his favorite food . Since probably wouldn 't eat it for a long time to come . Bonnie 's invitation rang strange to him , why was this man inviting them to do something like that ? Unsurely he followed behind his sister , he couldn 't let her go alone . When that door closed behind them though and he saw the other the other children , a sense of dread washed over him . This was bad , he could feel it . As he expected there was no animatronics , it was a trick . A trap . He grabbed his sister and pulled her as far from the man as possible . He would 've gone straight for the door but the man was in the way . Then Annabella , their babysitter for the night , came in . Sam teared up when he saw her , but not because of relief . He knew that this was over , that Anna wasn 't strong enough . He was right . He hated when he was right . He held tightly to his sister , as did she . After the death of Anna , Sam shielded their eyes from witnessing anymore of it . Eventually it was their turn , Sam saw that the door was no longer blocked , he was about take Pam and run for it . That was , until he was thrown away from her . She told him to run , he nearly did but froze when she got grabbed . This was the only time that he had no idea what to do . So he just watched , he watched his sister die . He watched until it was his turn . He must 've fainted though because he didn 't remember it being painful . He woke up to his sister shaking him . Maybe he dreamed it all . He found that his sister was in one piece , and seemed to control an animatronic . Moving himself , as expected Chica moved as well . So this is how it was , he was no longer a quiet completive human , now he was something much different . Much stronger . " You may believe it 's over and done . Then again you may believe whatever you want to . Just know whatever you 're dreaming up is untrue , it 's a fantasy . Ah , but you may aswell just keep dreaming . " Vincent wasn 't always so messed up . He was a good guy . He once loved the animatronics and at one time in his life would never have dared to harm a child . But bad things can change a person quickly . When he turned twenty five he married the love of his life . This woman was everything to him and he thought they would be together forever . He could only assume his thoughts were confirmed when she had his child . A son . Everything was just going so right with him he thought nothing could ever bring him down . That is , until he came home one morning to find his wife and son gone , a single note laying on the kitchen counter . His wife left him for another man , and to add even more injury to him , took their son away , never allowing the poor man to see his son . He was torn apart by all this , but tried to go on . He really did . He went to work faithfully every day and sometimes even the nights . Yet , it all was too much . Hearing those children 's laughter . It all reminded him of the son he could never spend time with . It was like ripping open that all too fresh wound every second he stayed in that place . He just had to stop the laughter . Had to get them to shut up . And one night , he did . Four children , all playing , their laughters filling the restaurant much louder than the other children . And even better for his sudden plan , the girl supposed to be watching them seemed to be asleep . This would work perfectly for him . As closing time drew near , he knew he had to make his move quickly . And so , he approached the children , giving his best smile , telling them there was new electronics in the back , ones that were going to be put to use VERY soon . He asked them if they would want to see them , and of course , the kiddies said yes , following him so willingly into the back room . By now , everyone had gone home and he had these children all to him . As they walked in , he shut the door behind them , being sure to stand between them and the only exit in the room . When they asked where the animatronics were , he replied to them coolly that there were none . And more so , that they were going to be the animatronics now . With that , the man pulled out a knife he had stolen last minute from the restaurant 's kitchen and began advancing toward the crying children . Only that stupid girl got in the way . She had found them and screamed at him to leave the kids alone , trying to wrestle the knife away from him . She couldn 't though . She wasn 't as strong as he was . He was easily able to pin her to the floor and with a wicked smile on his face , took her life first . Oh did he have fun with her , watching her bleed with every little cut and stab he gave her , letting her death be slow , so that he could take in her pain . After his long time of letting the girl take the pain and die , he turned his attention on the children . He wasn 't as slow with them . Not that he didn 't want to do the same to them , but he knew if he waited any longer he might run out of time hiding all the bodies . So , he killed them , every last one of them . And once he had stolen their lives , he stuffed them each in an animatronic , and was done with them for good . The next few weeks for him were full of torture . He was working the night shift and everywhere he turned they were there . The children and the girl , or the animatronics he had stuffed them into . Paranoia and panic filled him more and more with every moment he was in there . He had to get rid of them . The animatronics . Perhaps if he did the ghostly figures would leave him be . And so , he did away with them . Every one of them . Tore them apart to where they would never bother him again ! Yet , even it the animatronics weren 't there to haunt him any more , that didn 't mean the ghosts weren 't , and they were closing in . He thought he would be safe . After all , the room he was in was called the Safe Room . No animatronics could enter that place , so surely those ghosts couldn 't either , right ? Wrong . He stood in there , hiding , when suddenly all five of them appeared before him , the girl walking forward , a deadly look on her face . Fearing his life and what the ghosts could do to him , he had the brilliant idea to get into the old Bonnie spring lock suit . After all , they couldn 't touch him when he was in that . It was a fabulous idea . The idea thought , would be the one to finally take him out . A wide smile grew on the girl 's face as the spring locks collapsed within the suit . The ghosts fading away for now where the last things he saw before everything went black . Once they found Spring Trap in a bloody mess , the Fazbear 's manager didn 't want to deal with this . They would get shut down if this got out after all . So , the only option was , to board up the safe room for good . Hide the gory animatronic and never let it see the light of day again . Xander grew up as a normal kid . He went to school , made friends , and listened well to his parents . Sure , he had some . . . anger issues . Nothing serious though , and through those issues did his best to do what was right . His father worked as the head security guard at Freddy Fazbear 's Pizzeria , and apparently so did his grandfather , who had went missing a few years before he was born . Xander would often go with his father to work when the man worked the day shift and he had just as much fun as the other children . Back then , his favorite animatronic was Bonnie , though if asked he would always say Bonnie was his favorite only because ' his fur is purple like Daddy 's uniform ' . It was rather obvious that when he turned eighteen he would fall under the family business and take up a job as a security guard at Freddy 's as well . But , of course , the teenagers always get the job no one else wants ; the night shift . Quickly he realized that things were very different at night when at Freddy 's . The animatronics moved and even tried to get at him a few times . He didn 't understand what was going on and it scared the living hell out of him . Needless to say , once his shift was over , he went straight to his father to question the man . His father seemed to just know what the boy was going to ask him about because he had a whole speech ready for him . A speech that Xander didn 't exactly like to hear . . . His grandfather , the first in their family to work at Fredbear 's , when Freddy 's was still called that anyway , had done something horrible within the halls of the restaurant . No one knew though , except for them . Their family were the only ones that knew the full truth . Sure there were rumors , but no one had solid proof but them . His father showed him letters . Many letters his grandfather had written to no one but himself . How he was going insane . How he hated his wife for taking their son away . And how , in his misery , seeing the happy smiling children in the restaurant just drove him crazy . Drove him to a place he would never return from . He had killed five people . Five innocent people . No only that , but even after he killed them , these people , supposedly , continued to haunt him , controlling the animatronics to go after him . The souls of the people he killed were in those machines . The letters were still well hidden within the Summer 's home , and no one would ever know , expect for them . Only they knew the truth . Yet , there was still the question of , what happened to his grandfather ? Where had he disappeared to ? He supposed he would just have to find out in time . For now , Xander continued to work at Freddy 's the next few years , and now , six years later , his father has retired and he is the head security at the place , training all the new comers that join the team . Of course , there are still times he has to work against the animatronics , but he 's grown used to it and seen their patterns , so he 's become practiced at saving his own skin , with a few close calls of course . Still , he just tells the new guards in training that the animatronics roaming mode is glitched . Couldn 't have them questioning things , now could he ? He had to protect the family name after all . He 's not as cruel as his grandfather was . In fact , he tries to do good , while at the same time hiding the truth about the murders his grandfather committed all those years ago . Its a bit of mixed feelings from him . And it doesn 't help with a certain voice in his ear telling him to continue what the golden bunny started . To finish the job that is still waiting to be done . It drives him insane and drive him to do things he normally wouldn 't do . He 's just messed up in the head . The question is , will he fall into that same insanity or will he mark his own path ? This is the Out of Character thread for the Balloons roleplay . Please do not post your character skeletons here or try to claim characters ( this includes posting ' i may be interested in this character ' ) , send you character skeletons and your interests in characters to me through a conversation . Feel free to ask questions and discuss things on here though . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . 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I got back on the freeway and headed east . I visualized my plan as I drove : exit the freeway at Uvalde , find a payphone , call the police , wait for them to meet me , go with them to Gracie 's house and get my phone . I thought it was a shitty plan . It was the HISD cop 's plan . First of all , I 'd seen how difficult it was for him to reach the right person to talk to when he was calling around . It would probably cost me eight bucks worth of payphone calls just to get the right precinct or whatever . As my reward I 'd probably have to try to convince some idiot dispatcher to actually send someone to meet me for this chickenshit deal . Then I 'd probably have to wait an hour or more for the cops to show up . It was already almost midnight . " Fuck that , " I decided . I couldn 't deal with that kind of aggravation anymore . Not after all of the shit I 'd already been through . Instead , I was going to drive around until I spotted a police car , approach them , tell them the story and get them to go with me to the house . I figured it would be much harder for someone to tell me no when I was standing right in front of them . Especially when if they told me no and I went anyway that there was a high likelihood I 'd be killed . I figured nobody would want that on their conscience . I couldn 't lose . Now I just had to find a cop . I exited Uvalde and my head was on a swivel looking for flashing lights or a doughnut shop . I looked in all the parking lots lining the I - 10 service road . Nothing . I got to the next major intersection and went under the freeway to go back the way I 'd come - toward Uvalde . The neighborhood where Gracie lived was on that side of I - 10 anyway . I passed several major boulevards . I looked down each one hoping to spot a cop car . Nothing . " Never one when you need it , " I thought to myself . " Fuckers . " I was just about to go back down the other side of I - 10 when I looked down a major thoroughfare and saw flashing lights in the distance ; about a half mile away . Jackpot ! I quickly made the turn and sped toward the lights . When I got close enough I could see that a cop had pulled over an SUV . No one was outside of their car - I guess the cop was running their tags or whatever . I pulled into the parking lot where they were sitting , parked my truck and got out . I started walking toward the cop car and I had to pass the SUV on my way . I saw two enormous black chicks in the front seat and they were staring at me like I was from another planet . " What all this ? " I heard one of them say as I walked alongside their car . Right then the cop got on his loudspeaker , " SIR , WALK AWAY FROM THE SCENE . RETURN TO YOUR VEHICLE . " " Well , shit , " I thought , " I should 've known better . " As I was turning to go back to my truck another car pulled up behind the cop car and a black guy holding some papers got out and started to approach the cop car . " What all this ? " I thought to myself . I first thought the guy must 've been called by the chicks in the SUV to bring proof of insurance or something . Or he could be walking up to pop a cap in the cop 's ass so his ho 's wouldn 't get pinched for the crack they had in the glove compartment . I got back in my truck to wait it out . Within thirty seconds , two more cop cars roared up with their lights flashing . One came toward me , the other to the guy with the papers . I rolled down my window as the cop got out of his car . He looked skeptical . I 'm sure he thought I was high . You know , I 'd come across the tracks to score some smack and now I was wandering around living out some drug induced paranoia . I proceeded to tell him about my truck getting broken into , the phone call , the address and my suspicions about them luring me over there to rob me . Or worse . The cop 's eyes lit up as I finished my story . I wasn 't sure what he meant - either to catch and arrest them or something to do with police brutality . Either way , he was really getting excited . I don 't know if his regular duties were bland compared to what I was asking him to do or what . But it was clear to me that this guy was fired up about storming this house and kicking some ass . " Well , technically I live in River Oaks , but it 's not really River Oaks . I live at XXXXXX St . and XXXX . " ( This is my little dilemma about where I live . I live where the River Oaks and Montrose neighborhoods come together . If you look on a map it shows my address in River Oaks . But River Oaks - the real River Oaks - actually starts a couple of blocks from my house . If I tell people I live in River Oaks they jump to the conclusion that I 'm some rich fat cat . If I tell them I live in Montrose they think I 'm a homosexual . ) So now I was the lawyer from River Oaks who ventured out to Cloverleaf to retrieve my cell phone from some hood rat who said she had it . I 'm sure he thought I was a fucking idiot . The feeling of being a white collar pussy washed over me stronger than ever . He thought for a second . " Okay , here 's what we 're gonna do - you go down to the parking lot at this store called Greener Brothers and wait for us . When we 're finished here I 'll round up some other officers and we 'll come down there and figure out a plan . Okay ? " I rolled up my window and headed to Greener Brothers . I pulled in , parked and lit up a cigarette . Thoughts started swirling through my head . " Damn . Now I 've got the cops involved in this deal . They 're going to storm this poor bitch 's house all because of me . If she really is a good Samaritan that 's going to suck . " " Shit . It 's 12 : 45 . Way later than when I told her I 'd be there . I hope she 's still up . I hate imposing on people . " " I did get the cops to help me though . I found them just like I planned and now they 're going to help me . I 'm a cop manipulator . Hell , I 'm the ' copulator . ' " Right then a patrol car pulled up next to my truck . The officer I spoke to earlier got out and came over to my window . " Hey , we 've just gotten another call . It 's a serious wreck on I - 10 . We 've got to respond to that call , but I just wanted to let you know so you didn 't take off . Just wait here and we 'll be back . " Ten minutes passed , then twenty . I was still waiting . Doubts began to creep in . Maybe these cops were laughing at me , at how stupid I was , and now they were messing with me so they hauled ass and had no intention of coming back . Maybe they intended to help me but they were still at the wreck on I - 10 . If there were fatalities no telling how long I 'd be waiting . After thirty minutes had passed I started wondering what I would do if they never showed up - do I go over to Gracie 's house anyway ? Do I cut my losses and just say fuck it , write off my phone and forget about the whole thing ? Do I try again in the daylight ? I was already over there and I just wanted to resolve this thing . Plus , Gracie sounded nice on the phone . I was probably just being paranoid about the whole thing . I could just go over there , knock on the door , apologize , get my phone , give her $ 40 as a reward and get my ass on down the road and back home . But then I thought , " That 's exactly what Gracie is hoping I 'm thinking . " Fuck that . There was no way I was going over there by myself . Ten minutes later three cop cars pulled in . The guy I 'd talked to earlier got out and came over to my window . " Sorry to keep you waiting so long . I went and picked up my sergeant . " " Okay , so here 's the plan : we 're going to follow you over to this house . We 're going to park a way 's off . You 're going to wait for us . When we get there you 're going to go to the door . We 'll be right beside you the whole time . If they try anything we 'll be right there . You 've got to get them to come outside or it 's no good . And whatever you do , don 't go inside the house . " I was still uncomfortable with the concept of " jacking them , " but I figured the cop was just posturing to look tough . I doubted the situation would come to " jacking them . " Whatever that meant . I mulled over the plan . " Wait a minute . I don 't mean to question what you want to do , but why do we need to put me in danger . Couldn 't you just go up to the door and knock and ask about the phone ? " " No . That 's not going to work . You 've got to go to the door and get them to come out or it 's no good . " I knew this was bullshit . I ran through all of the Fourth Amendment shit I 'd learned in Judge Baird 's class . I knew about reasonable suspicion and probable cause and warrantless searches - there was nothing about needing the victim of the crime to do the actual knocking . But , I didn 't want to piss the cops off by being a know - it - all . So I decided to go along with the plan . I followed the three cop cars , each with two officers inside , over to Victoria Street . 13900 . . . 14130 . . . 14306 - we were getting close . All three cop cars pulled into the parking lot of a small neighborhood convenient store , if you could call it that . There were no street lights and all of the houses were small and run down . There were cars on up on blocks in many of the driveways , most of the windows in the houses were blacked out . There was nobody outside . The place seemed dead . I pulled up alongside the cop cars and rolled down my window . They all got out of the cars . The same one I 'd been talking to came up . " Yeah , yeah , on the left . " " You pull over there slowly and we 'll be walking up behind . When you get there wait for us to catch up . " I rolled up my window , killed the headlights and pulled slowly forward . 14305 . . . 14307 . . . 14309 - this was it . I pulled over as best I could . There were no curbs or anything , just the street , which was narrow to begin with , and deep ditches on either side . I looked over at the house . There was a tall chain link fence across the entire front of the yard . The house itself had a small covered front porch with boxes and crap stacked up all around so that you almost couldn 't see the front door . All of the windows were blacked out with foil or fabric . In the side yard was an old mobile home . It was old , but it looked liveable . I immediately thought that 's where the ambush would come from . There were no lights on in either house . I looked behind me and saw the shadows of the six cops coming up the street twenty yards behind . I waited until they got even with the house . They hung back in the shadows . I didn 't know whether I was supposed to get out now or what . A dog started howling . I got out of my truck . The dog was at the house we were going to . It was standing on the front porch and it looked like a pit bull . I walked over to where the cops were standing . They had already discovered that the chain link fence gate was chained and locked . A couple of them were looking for a way through the edge of the fence . I heard one of them mutter something about not wanting to have to kill the dog . The cops fanned out , looking for a way past the fence . I was just standing out in the open in the street right in front of the house . " This wasn 't part of the plan , " I thought to myself . Just then one of the cops made a short whistle - he 'd found a way into the yard . The cop who 'd found the opening went into the front yard . " Heh . He 's entered the curtilage , " I chuckled to myself . One of the other cops shot him a hushed warning , " Watch out for the dog ! " He nodded and made his way over to the porch . The dog hadn 't moved , but it also hadn 't stopped howling . There was no way the owner of the house hadn 't heard it by now . But still there were no lights on in the house . I thought this was suspicious . By this time two cops were at the front porch . They were trying to coax the dog into it 's doghouse , which was a large pet carrier . Amazingly , the dog went inside and they locked it in . The dog got quiet . Once the dog was locked away , all the cops entered the yard . Some went to the back of the house . They motioned for me to come forward . I went through the fence and into the yard . When I got even with the front porch I stepped in a huge pile of slippery dog shit . " Sweet , " I said out loud . " What ? " the cop nearest me asked . " Nothing , " I said . They directed me to the steps leading up to the front door . Before I got there I could hear one of the cops at the rear of the house knocking on one of the doors . This was definitely not part of the plan . I hesitated . The other cops got uneasy . Whoever was inside had been alerted to our presence , but they 'd not come to the door or turned on any lights . Something just didn 't feel right . I sensed it and so did the cops . I backed away from the steps . Most of the officers were carrying flashlights . They periodically flipped them on to look at something or another . One of them was shining his light inside a car that was parked in the driveway . I was standing close by . " That 's my bag ! That 's my stuff in the car ! " I whispered . This was a setup after all ! Fuck ! " This ain 't right , " I said to the four cops who were standing nearby . " She never said anything about having my bag too - only my phone . " " This was a setup . " The cops ' demeanor changed immediately . They got on their radios to the two in the back . At least one unbuttoned the strap on his gun holster . Two of them went up on the porch . I was standing completely out in the open . I remembered this situation that happened in Austin where these cops went to this house for a drug raid and while they were at the front door , the guy inside started blasting away . One of the cops had been killed in that incident . The killer 's defense was that the cops hadn 't identified themselves and he thought someone was trying to break into his house . Well , that exact situation was playing out right before my eyes . I expected chulos to start pouring out of the trailer or for the sound of gunfire to erupt at any moment . I got very uncomfortable . At that moment I thought to myself , " If I live , this is going to make a very good blog post . " Apparently by this point the cops heard someone in the house moving around . They got even more agitated . " Open your door right now or we 're going to break it down ! This is the police ! " A short Hispanic woman came outside onto the porch . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but the cops were grilling her . She looked very nervous . One of the other cops went into the house with his flashlight . The other cops continued to question the woman . This seemed to go on forever . The cop that had gone inside the house came back out and reported to the others that it was all clear . At least that 's what it looked like from where I was . They led her back inside and when she came back out she had my phone in her hand . I tried to roll down my window so I could hear what they were saying , but I didn 't want to make any noise and let her know that I was there until the cops were ready to tell her . Before too much longer the cops were apparently satisfied with her story . Eventually one of the cops motioned for me to come over . " Mrs . Galindo , I 'm Ojo Rojo . " I extended my hand . " I 'm really sorry that we scared you like this . I hope you understand why I couldn 't come over here by myself . " " I had no way of knowing if you were legit . You know ? You might have been trying to lure me over here or something . I couldn 't take any chances . " " I 'm sorry that we scared you . But the police needed to do this the way they thought best . If you really did just find my things and were trying to return them then you did the right thing and I 'm really sorry that things happened like this . I hope you understand . " I didn 't really believe her . I had intentionally planted the explanation in my question because I didn 't want to drag this out any further . I had my shit back and I really didn 't care about anything else right then . " Oh . Oh . Yes . " She handed me the phone like it was a hot potato . She went over to the car and grabbed the bag off the front seat , brought it over and handed it to me . I set the bag down on the porch to look through it and see what all was missing . I pulled out the day planner , folders and some papers . I pulled out the sets of photos from Christmas and my recent ski trip and when I did the cop asked me , " Is there anything in those photos you wouldn 't want anybody to see ? " " No . Not that I can think of . " I thought that was a weird statement . " Oh . Yeah , no , there 's nothing in here . I mean , my girlfriend 's real cute and all , but she 's not naked in any of the pictures . " The cop didn 't think I was funny . Everything appeared to be in my bag except a stack of bills . I looked up and told them that everything was there except for the bills . Nobody made a move . I turned to Mrs . Galindo . I wanted to give her the money for the reward for returning my stuff , but I felt uncomfortable doing it in front of the police . Plus , I wasn 't entirely sure I trusted her after the whole thing with the bag . So I just reached out and shook her hand again and thanked her and apologized to her one more time . I had looked at a map before I set out , so I knew where I was going . The wind was blowing into the cab of my truck as I drove . I looked over at the pile of shattered glass on the passenger seat . In a way , I felt helpless and victimized by the fact that my truck had been broken into and I knew this was going to cost me money . I had already lost a bunch of my shit . And I hate losing shit . Especially shit that I like . But since I 'd gotten the call from Gracie Galindo I felt like I was on a recovery mission . I felt good about the fact that I was able to do something to actively improve this otherwise shitty situation . I was going to get my phone back and thinking about it made me feel better . For those of you who don 't know , East Houston is pretty rough . It 's the armpit of the city . It 's the industrial area where all of the oil refineries and chemical plants are mixed in with these run down neighborhoods . There 's a lot of the familiar stuff though : convenient stores , fast food joints , big box retailers , but they 're grimier on this side of town . I had the very real sense that I was off my turf . All of a sudden I felt like I 'd been living some kind of pampered and sheltered life . I looked down at the way I was dressed - white button down shirt , flat front cotton dress pants , leather shoes and a black linen blazer . I would have been in my element strolling into Downing Street to sip on single malts , but now I felt like some white collar pussy , which , in this situation I guess I was . I 'd be haunted by that feeling for the rest of the night . I saw the Wal Mart off the service road and a Whataburger . I knew I was close . I exited the freeway and took a left . Ten , twelve blocks down I saw Victoria street . I took a left and started looking for numbers on the houses . All of the houses were small ; none alike . It should have been dreary , but I found something cheerful about it . Maybe it was the disintegrating paper Christmas decorations hanging from the eaves . More likely it was the gaudy outdoor statues and lights that signify you 're in a Mexican neighborhood . I started counting the house numbers - 4606 , 4608 , 4614 . . . A lot of the house numbers were spray - painted on . I had chosen my route so that I could travel the entire length of the street and see all of the house numbers . My map didn 't have block numbers on it so I figured I 'd start at one end and work my way all the way down . But I got to the end of the street and the numbers only went up to 7400 . Shit . I doubled back and started looking for house numbers again , hoping I 'd just made a mistake . No dice . The house numbers were the same . A couple of blocks down I happened to look down a side street and I saw a cop car in a parking lot of what looked like a school . I turned down the street and into the lot and pulled up next to the cop car . I rolled down my window as the cop did the same . " So anyway , this is Victoria Street here , but it only goes from the 4600 block to the 7400 block . The woman who has my phone is at 14309 . Do you have any idea where that 's at ? " I knew most cops had maps in their cars or on a computer linkup to find where they were going . He had a map book of the Houston area that he pulled out . He spent a couple of minutes poring over it . " Yeah , see , you 're in Denver Harbor . Victoria only goes up to 7400 over here . The Victoria Street you 're looking for is in Cloverleaf . " He paused . Before he could say anything I cut in , " Say , I 'm a little out of my element over here ( this was an understatement ) and I don 't feel real comfortable going up to this house by myself . I mean , this woman might be waiting to waylay me or something . Would it be possible for you to escort me over there ? Just to be on the safe side ? " Right then I noticed the markings on his car : Houston ISD Police . I knew immediately that this guy was a chickenshit cop , but I also knew that this didn 't matter . He had a uniform and a cop car - he 'd do the trick for my purposes . I don 't know if he had a gun ; he was sitting in his car the whole time and he had a big jacket on . All I needed was a show of force so I didn 't really care . " Well , Cloverleaf is pretty far away . Out of my jurisdiction . I 'm here babysitting this school because it 's under construction and I can 't leave my post . " " Yeah . I didn 't realize you were HISD until just now . Do you have radio contact with anybody in that area who might be able to meet me ? I really don 't feel safe going over there by myself . " " No . No . I don 't have a radio . I mean , I 'm not in contact with those guys . I think that might be the sheriff 's jurisdiction that far over . That 's Jacinto City over there . But that Cloverleaf - I 've heard stories . " " Yeah . See , you 're in Denver Harbor right here . It 's pretty bad over here too , but I 've heard stories about Cloverleaf . If I was you I 'd probly just write the phone off and forget about it . " " Yeah , well , I know what you 're saying . I mean I 'm not willing to risk my life for my phone or anything , but I 'd really like to have it back . It 's got every number of every person I know in it and I don 't have those numbers anywhere else . " The cop realized that I wasn 't going to give up that easy . I was passively demanding that he give me some sort of assistance . He muttered something about trying to find a number to the sheriff 's office . While he fumbled with papers and stuff in his car I started thinking about just how dangerous this situation could be . I mean , it wasn 't that big of a stretch to think that this woman was snowing me and that this was a plot to lure me over there and then rob me . Or worse . Maybe they were pissed about the fact that there wasn 't a laptop in my bag and they were going to try to squeeze whatever they could out of the situation . No doubt they looked all through the bag and had seen my business cards that say " Ojo Rojo , Attorney at Law " on them . Everybody knows that all lawyers are rich . And gullible . I 'm sure to them I seemed like an ideal target . I could see this situation spiraling down - with me gagged , hands tied behind my back and lying in a pool of my own blood from the bullet hole in the back of my head . I resolved at that moment that there was no fucking way that I was going to this house by myself . I looked over and the HISD cop was on his phone . He talked to someone , hung up , dialed again . He must 've done this four or five times . Finally , he wrote down some phone numbers on a piece of paper and handed it to me . " Here 's the number to the constable 's office who has jurisdiction over there . You 're going to take I - 10 east and exit Uvalde . There 'll be a convenient store there where you can use the phone to call them to meet you . If you don 't get a hold of anybody I wouldn 't go it alone . I 've heard stories about Cloverleaf . " I took the paper and looked at it . " Okay . Yeah , I 'm not going to get killed over a phone . Thanks a lot for your help . " I shook his hand , got back in my truck and pulled out of the parking lot . I held my hand over the receiver and asked the Academy manager if he knew where that was . His eyes widened . " Yeah . That 's way over east . Toward Beaumont and that . " I took my hand away from the receiver and spoke back into the phone . " No . I 'm at my house . I was at the Wal Mart with my son and I seen those people put this phone down and I thought that was weird . My son told me people would think I stole it if I picked it up , but I know that if it was me I would want somebody to pick it up and try to give it back . I work hard for my things and I 'd want the same done for me . " " Okay . I 'd like to come and get my phone from you . I know it 's getting late , but I 'd really like to get my phone back . Can I come to your house and pick it up ? " " Yeah . They took a black bag . It 's like a laptop bag , but there wasn 't a laptop in there . Just some papers , a day planner , some other stuff . " " An emblem - - like a logo . It 's red and it has like a cross on it . You know how Nike has the swoosh ? Well Victorinox has their own . It 's red and it has a cross on it . " " Well . . . no . Really . I don 't want to put you through that . It 's not necessary . I 'll just go look myself . " " Okay . Well I might go back and look . There 's dumpsters all around there . Maybe they threw your bag in there . I could go look in there . I don 't mind . " " No , no , really . That 's okay . I don 't want to ask you to go looking in dumpsters . I 'll just come and get my phone from you and I might go look at the Wal Mart . Maybe you could go with me and show me where you found the phone . " " Okay , so I 'm waiting for the police here but I might not wait much longer . I 'll come by shortly , say , within the hour . Would that be allright ? " " No problem . No problem . I wouldn 't give you my numbers and tell you where I work and where I live if I took your stuff . " I handed the phone back to the Academy manager . " Some woman found my phone at a Wal Mart . She says a black couple just set it down there and left . I 'm going to wait for the police for a little while longer then I 'm going to go pick it up . " The manager nodded . I had written everything down on my paper . The manager let me wait inside the store for the cops and he and I talked for a while . I fished for a little more info . He gave me the name of a glass company and told me a story about how the window on his truck had been broken . I asked him about the location of the Wal Mart and the address the woman had given me . He knew roughly where it was . He was shocked at how far away it was - twenty miles or so from the Academy . These people who ripped my off had made tracks in a big hurry and had gotten pretty far away before ditching my stuff . Or so the story was . I waited for another fifteen minutes or so for the police . They never showed . I was anxious to get my phone back to salvage whatever I could from this ordeal . At that point I was happy with just that . I thanked the manager for his help and set off for I - 10 and East Houston . The wind blew cold through the opening where my window used to be . It was just before 11pm . I left my office on Tuesday night at about 8pm . I wanted to run a couple of errands before the stores closed . My first stop was Hobby Lobby to drop off my law license to be framed ; finally . That done , I went to the Galleria to try to find a JC Penney because I needed to exchange a Christmas gift . I discovered that there is no JC Penney in the Galleria . I was about to go to Whole Earth to exchange another Christmas present when I saw the Academy at 59 and Shepherd . One of the things on my errand list was to get new running shoes . A couple of my friends and my girlfriend recently bought new running shoes at Academy and raved about the deals , so I had decided that was where I was going to get mine . It was about 8 : 40 . Academy closes at 9 so I had 20 minutes . I went in and started my typical OCD routine when it comes to purchases like this . The internal dialogue goes something like this : " I like the color scheme on this pair . It matches most of my workout clothes . But no , I can 't buy shoes based on color scheme . Performance . Comfort . Durability . Those are more important . But still , I really like the colors on this pair . Hey , I haven 't seen this pair yet . . . " One of the salespeople made the mistake of telling me that the store wouldn 't close until the last customer left . This right after I apologized for asking him to pull a ladder around to get a box down off the high shelf five minutes after 9 . Of course , I didn 't settle on a pair of shoes . I did decide to stop off in the workout clothes section to see if I could find a jacket I could wear running . I quickly parsed through what they had when I saw a Nike jacket , exactly like what I was looking for , with a price tag on it for $ 2 . 88 . I thought to myself that it simply couldn 't be right , but I decided to take it up to the register anyway . All they could do is tell me no . Mind you , it 's 9 : 15 , fifteen minutes after closing time , I 'm the last or second to last customer in the store and I 'm opening up this can of worms . Sure enough , the cashier saw the price , made a face and called for a manager . This led to a lot of hemming and hawing , searching for the same product on the sales floor etc . At that point I just wanted to tell them to forget about it . Finally , the manager found the correct price and offered me 20 % off for the misunderstanding . I said , " Thanks but no thanks " and left the store . As I walked to my truck I actually felt bad about keeping the Academy employees late and trying to skate by on the jacket when I knew the price had to be wrong . I mentally accosted myself . Then I got to my truck and saw that my passenger side window had been smashed out . At first I just stood there dumbly looking at all of the glass scattered everywhere inside the cab of my truck . I wasn 't sure what had happened . I felt like Charlie Sheen in that scene in Platoon where he wakes up on the ambush and sees the silhouette of a VC but covers his face to regroup and look again , finally realizing the horror that he actually is seeing what he thinks he 's seeing . ( " Take the safety off ! Take the safety off ! " " I guaran - goddamn - tee you a trip out of the bush - - in a body bag ! " ) I took a fast mental inventory of everything that had been in my truck - a couple of boxes with gifts to return , a gift bag with a gift to return , CD 's , flashlights , sunglasses . I looked around and nothing appeared to be missing . Then it hit me - MY LAPTOP BAG ! ! They saw the fucking laptop bag on the front seat ! ! I looked all through the center console and the glove compartment . Nothing else was missing . It was just a smash - n - grab . I quickly thought , " Okay . What was in the bag ? " Day planner , pens and shit , draft of uncle 's will , umbrella . . . my phone ! ! Oh fuck ! My goddamn phone ! Shit ! There was no laptop in the bag , thank goodness , but I was pissed about the phone , the day planner and the bag itself . I really liked that bag . It was a black Victorinox laptop bag that I 'd gotten a really good deal on . I had also just spent like fifty bucks on inserts for my day planner . The phone had every number of everyone I knew in it - numbers I had in no other location . While I calculated the damage in my head , I walked back up to the store to try and use their phone . My first move was going to be to call the police . I knew the futility of that action as far as getting my stuff back , but I was already thinking in terms of creating a record in case I would be able to make an insurance claim or if I sued Academy for maintaining unsafe premises . ( Okay , fuck off - I 'm a lawyer , okay ? This is the way I think now . ) I got up to the doors to the store , which were locked , and tried to get the attention of the workers inside . Even though there were five of them standing within twenty feet of the door , they all ignored me masterfully . I started banging lightly on the door to get their attention . The five played that game popular in American businesses catering to consumers where they all try to keep ignoring me for as long as they can before one of them finally caves and acknowledges me - that person is the game 's loser . So Tameka finally comes over to the interior door and mouths that the store is closed . " Yeah , no shit , " I think to myself . I try to tell her in a calm , normal voice that I know the store is closed but my car just got broken into and I need to use the phone . She pretends not to be able to hear me . So I raise my voice a little and repeat myself . She pauses for a second , trying to think of a way to get out of helping me , then says to hold on a minute so she can get the manager . A couple of minutes later the manager comes up to the front and unlocks the doors . I explain to him what happened and he comes out to my truck to inspect . He takes out a little pad of paper and starts writing down my license plate number and asking me some questions . Then he asks me if I want him to call the police . I tell him yes . As he 's making the call , I poke around my truck - looking for clues . A couple minutes later the manager says that the police are on their way . He offers to let me wait inside the store since it 's cold outside . I tell him thanks , but I want to wait outside and chain smoke . ThI headed back to my truck to look around once more for any kind of clues . There was nothing except shattered glass . About thirty minutes had passed since the cops had been called . The wheels started turning in my head and I thought about what I should do while I waited . I knew the prospect of ever seeing my stuff again was one in a billion , but I wanted to take any positive steps I could at that point . I decided to go back inside the store and get some information from the store manager . I knocked on the glass doors again , got ignored again and eventually the manager came and let me in . I asked him if I could use the phone so that I could call my girlfriend . I told her what had happened and that I was without my phone so I didn 't know when I 'd be able to call her again . She was sympathetice and I told her I 'd call her as soon as I could . We hung up and I called my cell phone next , hoping that the thief would answer . No one did so I just left a message saying that if anyone found my phone that there was a reward for its return . Next I told the manager that I wanted to get some information from him and asked for something to write on . I got the phone number for the store , address , his name , loss prevention manager 's name and number etc . Then I asked him if there were any cameras pointed at the parking lot . He said there was one , but it was pointed in a direction away from where my truck was . I was parked in the center row about ten spaces out from the front of the store , so I was puzzled as to where exactly the camera was pointing . He pointed to an area at the very front of the lot , off to one side . The only cars in the lot at that time were parked in that area and there were about twenty of them - all of the employees ' cars . Not only were they hogging every single one of the front spaces , they were all clustered in the field of view of the security camera ! ! I pointed this out to the manager , but made no comment about it . I don 't think he realized what I was getting at . I made a mental note to bring this up to the Over an hour had passed since the police had been called and the manager said that everyone would be leaving the store around 11 . It was already after 10 : 30 . I asked to use the phone again and called the police to get an ETA . The dispatcher had no record of the previous call , so no one was on the way . I was back to square one with the police . I logged the call again and was told there was no way to know how long it would be before anyone showed up . I was thrilled . I gave the phone back to the manager and went back outside to smoke and wait for the cops . Twenty minutes or so passed . I stood outside in the cold , smoking and thinking about my next moves . " I know the cops aren 't going to want to fuck with this so I 'm going to have to politely insist that they be thorough . " " I wonder if my cell phone signal can be tracked like those dudes who were trapped on that mountain in Oregon ? " " Getting the police to jump through those hoops for this penny - ante shit isn 't going to be easy . " " I wonder who the fuckers were who stole my shit and broke my window ? " " If I ever caught them I 'd tie them up , find some abandoned building , feed them shit loads of acid , wear a fucked up evil costume , play death metal and burn them with cigarettes . For starters . Then I 'd . . . " Right then the manager appeared at the front door holding his phone . " Sir ? Sir ? " " Yeah ? " I said . " What is your phone number ? " " XXX - XXX - XXXX " He looked at the caller ID screen , looked up at me and said , " There 's someone on the line who 's calling from your number . " I was in Austin last weekend for the twofold purpose of visiting the GF and extending the job hunt war to two fronts . I went for a long run on Sunday on the trails around Town Lake . I was finishing up my run and cresting the final short hill before I got to my truck when I heard my truck 's alarm go off . I was already nervous about leaving my truck there because I had left my wallet , keys ( other than the truck key ) and my iPod in the center console . Normally I would have been running with the iPod , but the battery had died so I stowed it . I strained to see my truck from 75 yards away . I couldn 't see anyone around it but I started running faster anyway . When I got a little closer I could see a car pulling out of a parking space behind my truck . I bolted for the car , which was turning in the middle of the street and heading for the major thoroughfare nearby . I sprinted the final 40 yards and scanned my truck for broken windows or damage . Right about that time a woman two cars behind mine poked her head out of her window and hollered , " Hey ! That guy just hit your car ! " The guy who 'd hit me wasn 't actually running off . He was turning around to get another parking spot on the other side of the street . His window was down so I looked straight at him and asked loudly , " Did you just hit my truck ? " " Yeah , I hit it , " he said , " But I didn 't do any damage . " He turned off his car and got out . I 'll be the judge of that I thought as I went around to the rear of my truck . I looked at the tailgate and the bumper . I know every dent and scratch on my truck . A few months ago I backed into a steel guardrail at the dry cleaners ' , so the bumper and part of the fender were already dinged . But I could plainly see a new dent , thin and not very deep , but there . It ran about six inches and longways . " There 's a new dent here on my bumper , " I told the guy as he stood by his car . He appeared to be about 5 ' 6 and early 50 's . He was dressed in jogging clothes . He wasn 't belligerent or anything , but he clearly didn 't think he had damaged my car . HeI thought a lot about the whole episode on the drive home . I felt bad because I 'd been pretty harsh with the guy and he obviously had meant no harm and seemed like an otherwise nice guy . I basically backed him down and forced him to admit that I had him over a barrel before I would concede . The more I thought about it the more I realized that the reason I reacted that way was because I feel victimized on a day to day basis . If it 's not Wells Fargo trying to fuck me out of my money by charging $ 250 in overdraft fees for being $ 7 . 89 overdrawn after they don 't post my paycheck for four days but do post drafts immediately , then it 's Sprint disguising their rate plans so that if you go for what appears to be the cheapest option you really end up paying twice as much . If it 's not them it 's a tow truck company or the government . Two potential employers are trying to get me to accept jobs at well below the market rate . It costs me fifty fucking dollars to fill up my goddamned truck while Exxon publishes $ 8 billion dollar profits for the quarter . I had subconsciously arrived at the fact that the whole fucking world is full of predators and parasites and in order to survive I 've got to become one too . This got me to thinking that everyone in the world isn 't a predator or a parasite so there must be two kinds of people in the world : givers and takers . All sexual inferences aside , what this means is that some people give more to the world than they take and others take more than they give . Ideally there would be more givers than takers . What I should 've done in the car - bump situation is chuckle and joke with an exaggerated and playful , " Ooooopps ! " He might 've said , " Yeah , sorry ' bout that . " To which I should 've replied , " Don 't worry about it man , my bumper was already messed up . Have a good run . " Give more than you take . Don 't allow your first reaction to be anger . You are only a victim if you think you are . Be nice . Be friendly . Be kind . Laugh about things . About four years ago my cousin Jeff turned 21 . I 'm nine years older than he is and have always been sort of a mentor to him because his parents were divorced and he didn 't see his dad much . Plus too , he only had older sisters . We 've always been pretty close . He was like another little brother . In anthropological terms , we are bilateral cross cousins , which means that our fathers are brothers . The theory is that you will be closer to your father 's brother 's kids and your mother 's sister 's kids . So that might explain why we were so close . Jeff 's mom sort of doted on him since he was the only boy and the youngest child in their family . She still calls him Jeffie , as do some of our cousins . I did what I could to help the kid feel manly - buying him beer , talking to him about sex and girls , inviting him to UT football games and watch parties when he was in high school . Anyway , since Jeff was turning 21 we were going to take him to a strip club for the first time . We rounded up seven or eight guys , including my brothers , one of our other cousins and some of his buddies who had already turned 21 ( Jeff was one of the youngest kids in his class ) . We had a pretty wild night planned . This was going to be Jeffie 's coming out party . We even rented a limo for the night . We had a hard time deciding where to go , but we eventually settled on this new place called Mermaids that we had heard rumors about . We showed up there around 10 after pre - drinking at our house and while driving around in the limo . First , a word about this place Mermaids . The focal point was this HUGE aquarium that actually had strippers dressed as mermaids swimming around in it . The costumes were so realistic - they really did look like mermaids . By far the best strip club I 've ever been to . I 'd have to say that if I were to ever own a strip club , I 'd want it to be just like that . Anyway , we got a table and ordered drinks . We had been there maybe fifteen minutes when I found the hottest stripper there and went up to her and asked her if she would give my cousin Jeff a lap dance . I told her it was his 21st birthday . She came over to our table and segregated Jeff from the rest of us so she could have room to do her thing . By this time some of the other guys in our party had also ordered lap dances so all of the guys at the table were distracted by that and weren 't really paying attention to Jeff and his girl . I have to admit , I didn 't really watch Jeff 's lap dance that much either . Plus too , it was kind of dark in there and not easy to see . After the song was over I paid Jeff 's stripper , thanked her and she walked off . I leaned over and tousled Jeff 's hair and asked him what he thought about the lap dance . He sort of quipped that it was good and then said he needed to go to the bathroom . I thought that was kind of weird but I dismissed it . When he got back his shirt was untucked . He came over to me and said , " I need to go home . " " Home ? " I asked , " We just got here . " " I know , " he said , " but I really need to . " I asked him , " Why ? What happened ? What 's wrong ? " So then he tells me , " When the stripper was dancing for me , I , uh , came . " " You mean you came in your pants ? ! " I couldn 't believe this . I mean , I 'd heard stories about it happening but I never believed it . Poor Jeffie was totally embarrassed . I asked him , " Why don 't you just go to the bathroom and clean yourself up ? " " I tried , " he said , " it didn 't work . It was a lot . " " Damn man , I can 't believe you actually creamed in your pants , " I told him . He pleaded with me , " Please don 't tell the other guys . " " All right , all right , " I told him . I stood up and addressed our friends , " Hey , guys - Jeffie just got a nut during a lap dance , so I 'm taking him home to clean himself up . " Our friends were shocked speechless at first but slowly the snickers turned into writhe - on - the - ground laughter . Jeffie was totally humiliated but I kept telling him not to worr * Unlike all of my other stories , this one is absolute fiction . I don 't have a cousin named Jeff and the strip club called Mermaids does not exist . Yet . When I was a kid we lived in the country on a dead end road . My dad bought this property , built a road on it and tried to sell off in pieces as a subdivision . He hoped to make enough of a profit on the land that he could pay for our house . The street was named after my grandfather , who fronted the money for the land purchase . The idea was a good one except that some of the lots ended up being on a flood plain and the real estate market wasn 't very good , so it didn 't exactly work out . But anyway , we lived on a street that had our last name , which was pretty cool . Cool like if your last name was Johnson and you lived on Johnson Street . There were about seven other houses on our street , mostly other families who almost all had kids who were the same ages as me and my brothers . We all played together . Next door to our house lived the Haswell family . Cricket Haswell ( no shit , her name was " Cricket " ) weighed about 300 lbs . and was the butt of many jokes among the families on our street . My family actually got along fine with Cricket and the rest of the Haswells , although we didn 't really have a lot of contact with them . I suppose they were dysfunctional . The father was an alcoholic , the daughter , who was my age , was pretty normal and the son , who was my brother 's age , was a typically annoying kid but otherwise okay . But I think they had problems . ( The daughter ended up being a raging slut and got knocked up by an African American boy named Curtis and the son ended up being a criminal . He actually burglarized our house as a teenager . I wouldn 't be at all surprised if he 's in prison right now . ) Mrs . Haswell used to have my brothers and I over and would give us cookies and kool - aid and we would play with her kids . Others in the neighborhood did not have such a great relationship with them . My brothers and I went to Catholic school but all of the other kids in the neighborhood went to school with the Haswell children and there were fights and disagreements between them on the bus to school and at school that my brothers anWell , one day Keith and Jeff , who hated the Haswells and especially Cricket , were over playing at our house . They came up with the brilliant idea of writing a dirty letter to Mrs . Haswell . It seemed like a good idea at the time . I mean , I never thought we 'd get caught and it seemed like fun , so I joined in on the act . We decided to get a piece of paper and write it out like a greeting card . This is what it said : I wrote all of the text and actually came up with the " Jabba the Hutt " thing . Keith drew the hand shooting the bird . We ran over the note with our bikes to make it look like we just found this anonymous letter in the road . Our story was going to be that we innocently found this terrible note in the road and that we had no idea who could have done such a reprehensible thing . We gave the note to my little brother to deliver to Cricket . Cricket was out on her riding lawnmower , which was sagging under her weight . My brother started to run across the yard carrying the note while all of the rest of us were hiding around a corner of my house watching . Right before my brother reached the Haswell 's I started having second thoughts . I realized how stupid this was and that I would certainly be caught and that I was going to be in deep shit . I panicked . I immediately started screaming at my brother to come back . Now I don 't know if he heard me and ignored me because he knew I was going to get into trouble and this pleased him , or , if the sound of Cricket 's lawnmower drowned out my voice , but I was screaming at the top of my lungs for him to come back and not to give the card to her . The daughter saw my brother coming and met him at the edge of their yard . He gave the note to her first . She opened it and read it and her face contorted with shock and horror . She ran to her mother on the lawnmower and handed her the note . Cricket read it and a deep , angry frown appeared on her face as she turned off the mower and lumbered off of it . She started stomping straight for our house ! ! " Oh shit ! " I thought . I freaked out . All of the other kids scattered , leaving me alone to face this humongous woman 's fury . I thought she was going to squash me . I ran inside where my mom was and told her , " Mom ! ! Mrs . Haswell is coming over and she 's going to tell you that I did something that I didn 't do ! " My mom very calmly asked , " What was it ? " " Somebody wrote her a dirty letter ! I don 't know who it was , " I stammered , barely able to get all of the worI knew I was doomed and Mrs . Haswell was almost at our house . I had to think quickly so I threw myself on my mother 's mercy and I confessed . " Mom ! I 'm sorry ! I didn 't mean it ! Please ! " I cried . My mom went outside to meet Mrs . Haswell . I stayed inside , still worried that Cricket was going to sit on me . I didn 't think my mom would be able to protect me because she was so much smaller than Mrs . Haswell . I couldn 't hear or don 't remember exactly what was said but I do know that Cricket was very pissed off . My mom remained calm and apologized to her . As soon as Cricket showed my mom the note she recognized my handiwork . I was totally busted . I do remember hearing my mother assure Mrs . Haswell , " Christopher will be punished for this . " When she came back inside she simply told me to go to my room and wait until my dad got home , which , of course , was about the worst thing she could have done . I sat in my room and looked out my window anxiously watching for my dad 's car to pull onto our street . When I finally saw his car I started jumping around my room like a caged animal . There was nowhere to go ; nowhere to hide . When my father walked in the house I pressed my ear under the door to my room to try and hear what my mom told my dad about the note in the hopes that I might get some clue about what I could say or some excuse I could give . I saw my dad 's shadow approaching from under my door . Now , my parents subscribed to the " Spare the rod , spoil the child " philosophy of child rearing . I fully expected to get the beating of my life . So I was incredibly shocked when my dad opened the door to my room ( holding the " Fuck You Jabba the Hutt " card by the way ) , sat down on my bed and said in a very calm voice , " Son , there are three things wrong with this letter . " All he did was talk to me . I was so shocked that I really wasn 't listening to what he said . Something about what the word fuck meant and how I should never use it and about how insulting and hurtful it was to Mrs . Haswell . I don 't even remember what the third thing was - maybe something about shooting the bird . After all of that , the main lesson I learned was that your handwriting can give you away . So just got back from the grocery store . Needed a few staples , breakfast food . At the Kroger I go to there 's a little stand set up by the deli where this Japanese couple makes sushi to go . I 've been in the habit of picking some up for dinner fairly often . It 's a fairly healthy option , not too expensive and I 've developed a taste for it . Plus too , it makes me feel sophisticated when I eat it . Anyway , tonight when I got there the sushi stand was unmanned . They keep the day 's prepared trays in the cooler in front of the stand so I picked out what I wanted . Normally there are a couple of cannisters next to the cooler with chopsticks in them but tonight the cannisters were empty . This was later than I usually go so I figured the people who make the sushi just packed up the chopsticks and put them in a cabinet behind the cooler for the night . I looked around for a minute or so to make sure I just wasn 't missing the chopsticks before I noticed a woman intently stocking the bread shelves nearby . She had a Kroger uniform on . I stepped toward her and said , " Excuse me . Do you know if y ' all have any more chopsticks ? " She replied , " Oh , the sushi stand closes at 9 . " " Oh , " I said , " I didn 't know that . They normally keep chopsticks out here . Do you know if they have any more ? " She says , " The people who work the sushi stand are gone for the night . That 's like a totally separate thing . " Hmmm , I thought . If it 's so separate then why the fuck are there Kroger price tags on the shit ? I sized this woman up . She was birdlike - tall and awkward . She had a beak for a nose and an overbite . I decided to let it go while I began searching again all around the sushi stand for chopsticks . I even looked on the ground and in nooks and crannies where some might have fallen . There were none . I really wanted the sushi . I had my mind set on it . And you can 't eat that shit with a fork . You just can 't . I went back to the bird woman . " Excuse me . I know it 's like not your job to mess with the sushi , but there 's nobody around and I was wondering if you cMarch 13 , 2006 at 11 : 01 PM in Yarns | Permalink When we were in college ( or if not technically IN college then at least college age and living a college lifestyle ) MathJames got hungry one night . He was either broke or really didn 't feel like going out to get something to eat . Instead he scavenged the apartment looking for something edible . He rummaged around in the freezer and found an off - brand Hot Pocket type of thing in a box that was covered with ice . The thing probably had been in there for over a year and before that had probably been in another freezer for a long time before that . I imagine that it got thawed out during a move from one crappy apartment to the next , maybe more than once . But it was still there . So MathJames took it out of the freezer and knocked off some of the ice to see what it was and expose the heating instructions . He took it out of the box and popped it in the microwave . After a couple of minutes he took the steaming " pastry " out and let it cool . Pleased with himself for being so resourceful , he ambled into the living room cradling his dinner in a paper towel . He sat down , took a look at the Hot Pocket thing and took a bite . He chewed at normal speed at first , then slowed . He frowned and forced a painful looking swallow . After swallowing he sat there scowling at the Hot Pocket thing . He almost had a puzzled look on his face and was deep in thought , no doubt trying to decide what to do next . Between May and October of 1997 I lived in Nevada and worked in a gold mine . This is true . Most all of my close friends and family have heard me tell this story at on time or another . Some of them have probably heard it more than they would care to . It 's a grand story . A real epic . Well , maybe not an epic , but a damned good story nonetheless . Many times I 've considered writing the story in novel form . Maybe even making an attempt at getting it published . I 've even got a snappy title for the book : The Spirit of Fortune . But of course , my life is consumed with other pursuits . Even though I 've never even begun writing I often fantasize about what it would be like to be the author of a successful novel . I 've even imagined being a guest on NPR 's Fresh Air with Terry Gross . The interview would go something like this : Terry Gross : " My guest today is the author of The Spirit of Fortune , the winner of the Ivan Sandrof Award for Contribution to American Arts and Letters . The Spirit of Fortune spent an astonishing 32 weeks atop the New York Times Bestseller List . The book is a work of nonfiction , which chronicles the misadventures of the author and a crew of men who set out to mine for gold in the Sierra Madre in western Nevada . It is a coming of age story and takes place in the late 90 's when the author was only twenty three years old . Paramount Studios acquired the rights to the book and the film of the same title is expected to debut in May of this year . Ojo Rojo , welcome . " OR : " Yes . I worked in a hardware store / lumber yard type of place during college . Well , actually , at the time this took place I was taking a semester off from school . But anyway , I worked at this place . My prospects were pretty grim . I had no idea what I was doing in college . I had no direction . I drank a lot and started smoking . I also played darts quite often . I got to be pretty good . One day while I was at work , this very interesting old gentleman came into the store . It was apparent that there was something different , something unique about this fellow . His name was Ted Ostas . I sort of liked to approach interesting people who came into the store and offer to help them . It was interesting to see different people 's quirks . Sometimes they would tell me funny stories or give me little bits of wisdom . Ted was no exception . I walked up to him and asked him if I could help him . He stood there for a moment and looked me up and down before saying anything at all . The first words out of his mouth were , ' Did you know that there are piles of cannon balls at the Civil War Memorial in Jefferson , Texas ? " TG : " You knew you were on to something right away . " OR : " I certainly did . I worked with Ted when he would come in to the store for a couple of weeks trying to find bits of hardware or different machinery . Eventually he invited me to his home . Said he wanted to talk to me about a job prospect . I had nothing to lose so I went . Turns out , the guy ' had a mining claim somewhere in Nevada , he had all of the papers . He claimed that there was a lot of gold on his claim and he had papers that backed up what he was saying . He told me all kinds of tall tales and adventure stories about all of his trips out west to look for mines and minerals . He was a geologist and really seemed to know what he was talking about . I must have been at his house for over four hours . At the end of our visit he told me about his plans to go to Nevada and work his mine during the summer season . He asked me if I 'd like to come along . " OR : " It says that it 's okay to take chances when you 're young . It also says that sometimes those chances pay off and sometimes they don 't . I didn 't get rich , but in my case I came out of the experience unscathed - nothing really bad happened . That 's not always the case . There were enough near - misses in the book that people should understand the kinds of dangers you can put yourself into . But no , it 's important to take chances and get outside of your comfort area when you are young . It gets harder to do those kinds of things when you get older . You 've got to test yourself and learn about yourself as part of the maturation process . "
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I have had that " coming down with something " feeling all week . When I had such a dry throat into Wednesday morning , I knew I needed to go see Cindy for some acupuncture to nip it in the bud . I went to Breakfast Club in the morning , felt as if I hadn 't been there for several weeks . Then I went to visit Mom - not a good day . It was her 96th birthday . As I wrote in an email to my two sisters and my good friend Char : Mom didn 't know who I was and told me to go away . I know it 's not personal , even so , it still hurts and it is hard not to take it personally . I took her an apple pie and brownies for the house ; also gave her the maple sugar candy from Ellen . It didn 't register . I 'm still looking at it personally and emotionally ; working on the objectivity part - slow going . I am not even sure what I am feeling beyond upset . I probably need time to let it simmer on the back burner , maybe I can put it in words for myself . Happy birthday to Mom , though she may not know it ; we do . Just read Lee 's post from Sunday , and even at this distance it 's a " sucker punch to the stomach " to hear about her . I 'm so glad Char , who knows , was there with you , Lee . Still , we honor her for all she did in her earlier life , how much she gave to us , and whatever may be happening with her now in the " thin places . " My love to you both , her other daughters . My last verbal contact with Mom was on my birthday a year ago . I called , and she was having a bad day , and yelled at me and hung up the phone . I had only just gotten long distance back ( long story , no need to elaborate ) and felt glad that I could call her after not being able to for a couple of months . It was a strange gift . Mom always said when we had our Sunday phone conversations when she knew she was heading into the thin places , " Don 't worry about me . I 'll be okay . " And I told her , as things got dimmer , " It 's okay for you to go , Mom . Don 't worry about us , we 'll be okay and we 'll see you on the other side . " When she yelled and hung up , I felt she was giving me permission to stop trying so hard , and to let her go on a new level . It was out of my power and control . It 's a new moon in Libra today , and a day of new beginnings . As Ellen said ( and Daddy , too ) we must put this ending / new beginning in God 's hands now . For some reason , this is how Mom needs to make her transition . She 's saying goodbye and releasing her worries about us ( she worried all the time ) and releasing us , and releasing all definitions of who she was , except that she is more than what she is right now . She 's letting go of all boundaries and restrictions even as the circle of her human body becomes smaller and smaller , more diminished with each day that passes . It is the only way she can do this now , to sink into the dementia and into eventual rest . Lee , it 's the hardest place , to be there and see and feel it , and I know you have such a tender heart . But in God 's hands , it is not personal or a rejection of you . Or of any of us . It is a liberation . If she cannot remember , if she must be in that other world where we cannot follow ( at this time ) she needs that space , as Ruth , not as a our mother , or any role she played in life . She 's getting ready for the next life , entering a " womb . " She is giving us permission to release her , and to be who we are meant to become in the years after she passes . The strange giftJust wanted to say thanks for the things you wrote yesterday . One thing especially was very helpful to me : the idea that Mom has always been so attached to us , worried for us , that it may be quite difficult to let go of her children . We none of us can deeply understand that . You are right , it 's not personal , and you have to keep reminding yourself of that . Not always easy to do . Fortunately , you have 67 years of knowing your mom loves you , and that hasn 't changed - she still does , it 's just that she sometimes doesn 't remember that . You have to remember it for her , I guess . It really helped me to see the situation from a different perspective - I realized today when I went to see Mom It 's NOT about me . It 's still very emotional for me and it was hard that Mom really didn 't know who I was again today . Because she is having trouble eating , I won 't bring her chocolate or cookies any more . Not sure what to bring her that will be easy for her to eat . She was very sleepy this morning , so I may try visiting in the afternoon to see if she is a little more with it . It has come and gone this morning - I did my first radio show at 9 : 30 . I have been excited , apprehensive , impatient and so many other feelings . Sometimes it felt as if it would never come and it was coming too fast - all at the same time . The past three weeks I have been thinking about what I would say , then found myself ad libbing . I had happy butterflies in my stomach - since fear and excitement feel the same , I chose to have excited , happy butterflies - they kept the downer butterflies from taking over . I think I understand a bit what people mean when they prefer an audience because you can interact with them . It was just Benny and me in the studio with a microphone in my face - no idea if there was any reaction . A strange experience , so I will have to make sure I have notes with me next week . All the things I had thought about saying were gone . I talked a bit about my history , mentioned RA and also a bit about Mom and dementia as well as remembering to announce the name of the show , my name and where to find me . I also remembered to mention twice about becoming a sponsor - that marketing is an investment , not a line item in the budget that can be jettisoned when things are tough . I also remembered to say you are selfish if you don 't market , how are people who can benefit from what you offer find you ? I also met the three ladies who have the show before me - and now they are talking about ending their show after three years . Everyone has been so friendly and helpful , I finally met Benny after some emails and hearing him for several years while I 've listened to the station . Interesting to say he is my producer . It all feels a little unreal at the moment . Mostly I am getting used to it and finding my rhythm . I may try some phone calls in a week or two and see how that goes . Then I will add guests - if I am comfortable doing the show , they will be . After the break I was trying to figure out what to say - a couple of giraffe moments but otherwise it was fine . I asked people listening to send me a postcard or card to tell me who they are and where they are from - this station is in about 35 countries . I haven 't wrapped my head around that one yet . So it will be interesting to see if anything arrives by next Monday . I had emails from Erik and talked to Brian , plus Benny sent me an email saying I did a great job - in all caps . I have been feeling all kinds of emotions since I set this in motion - how amazing to find myself on the radio talking about my life with RA and other things . Some it is just a feeling of unreality , that it is actually happening . Because I was a bit nervous and had happy flutters , I sat quietly in the car when I arrived in the building where the studio is . I sat quietly , took some deep breaths and asked the Universe to give me what ever was necessary , I would just show up and get out of the way . It turned out well and I am glad I did that before going upstairs . I used to do that when I was doing speeches for the Conn . Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation . I had a list of things I had to cover - basic facts of arthritis - and if time was short , I would jettison my stories . I never knew who was in the audience and what they need to hear , so giving it to the Universe was the best way to go . At times people come up to me and thank me or say they learned so much . I also figured there were a lot of people who never said anything to me but heard what they needed at the time . I 've decided I have been doing my purpose in life without realizing it - much more effective that way . I left the studio and went down to Kent to see Dr . Cheryl for my chiropractic adjustment . A bit of a letdown - there was not any fanfare doing the show and then they were on to the next show . When I finished , I felt tired , so I came home and had a lie down - I must have slept because the next thing I knew , Eddie was home at 4 . It didn 't feel more than a half hour or 45 minutes . This is one of those times when I want to write but haven 't an idea what to write about . Usually something has happened , I have learned or discovered something , someone said or did something unusual - none of it comes to mind . I ave noticed the moles are back - they have been digging in the bed by the porch and I can see the holes , not just a pile of dirt . They are busy little bodies , that 's for sure . I have been working on my RA book ; I think I have a better handle on the program now . I decided to use my sister Ellen 's ocean pictures for the cover and also the chapter headings - looks pretty good . When I feel I have the hang of the program , I will work on the book about dementia - both Ellen and Candy have flower photos and I think those will fit Mom because she loved gardening . As for my garden , well that 's another story . Nothing else has been done since I messed up my knee - I don 't think it is the best thing to do at the moment . I did receive the flower seed mats and I have decided to use quilt block patterns to set them out - maybe with white stones to outline them . I need to cut them in squares and diamonds ready to be put down . As for the knee from my slide ; I am doing better , I just started my third week of it . I have been seeing Cheryl , my chiropractor and she has helped ; mostly it is resting and taking care of myself . I don 't do a lot in a day , just what I need to do and I have been having naps at times . I 've been using my cane when I go out , around the house I do okay . It was hard to bend my knee to walk and now it is slowly getting better . I think of the things I need and want to do , then I feel too tired to do anything about it . I keep forgetting it takes a lot of energy to deal with it and rest is so important . This too will pass - it always does . I look around the office and keep thinking how much I need to clean out and organize . There are things I no longer need and when I take the clutter out of my mind and home , there will be room for new things and ideas . I am a pack rat , though getting less so - it 's the sentimental streak that gets me . That is how I feel about the things someone gave me , or I used to use , etc . Too much emotion invested in things . One thing I have been learning through Mom and dementia is to take the emotion out of it . Taking it personally is also part of it . Now I am working on taking the emotion out of things - I have pictures and they have been part of my life since I can remember . But I am living my life , not my parents ' life - I want to have my own things around me . Not sure I remember what I have any more , 12 years is a long time . It is our life now - Eddie 's and mine . I guess I feel a bit disloyal selling or giving away Mom and Dad 's things . But it is also disloyal to Eddie to not have our things upstairs . I feel caught in the middle a bit , I want to move on with our life together . I think I am finally at that point I am ready to let go for myself . The advice to people is to wait a year before making any major decisions - it is almost 2 years since Mom moved to the adult family home . She won 't be coming home or need anything now , she isn 't really aware of anything outside where she lives . ( I think I am actually writing this to myself ) . This is probably the first July 4th in quite a while that we have had sun for several days . We tend to joke that summer doesn 't start until July 5th , this is one summer that seems to be more " normal " ( if you can define that ) . The sun and clouds have been playing hide go seek with each other , sometimes it is a hazy sun - not my favorite . We actually had almost 90 on Tuesday - much to warms for me . since I found out we have a furnace fan , I turn that on to help cool things off upstairs and bring some warmth and dryness to the basement . It works pretty well , so Eddie and I were comfortable sleeping that night . If it is going to be partly cloudy , then make it clear blue sky , bright sun and white puffy clouds . I don 't mind the clouds covering the sun for a bit - it has a lighter feel , hazy sunshine reminds me too much of L . A . and smog or East Coast with hazy , hot and humid . I think go it as the difference between having a bad headache and feeling great . In February 2011 , I had client ask for several quotes on short notice . I worked my tail off for four days straight and finished before the deadline . However , in the process I really wrecked up my right shoulder and was in such pain - I kept thinking it would soon relax and right itself , but it didn 't . Not only was it the ice pick in the back of my shoulder , it was the stiff neck and very sore and inflamed shoulder joint . To be honest , I was a mess . That began the most intense three years of my life . I started seeing Debye for massage for the shoulder pain and found it hard to do anything for quite a while . I hurt so much and had trouble sleeping at night - not one of my of my better periods . I started doing better after I began massages with Debye in May or June - way too long to get help - and then things began to really show up with Mom and dementia . Around July and August was the time when I couldn 't leave her by herself any more . It was a very difficult time because I was recovering from the shoulder and it meant I couldn 't go out any more . By December I was way past overwhelm and far into over my head . I waited to long to find help - I kept thinking " It 's not that bad " but it was . I was brought up with " Don 't ask for help , don 't bother or burden people " . It finally hit me - I had been doing that all my life , especially with RA ! I remember talking to my sister Ellen on the phone around that time ; I mentioned the Don 't ask for help thing and she had three words for me - Ditch it , Girl ! She knew exactly what I was talking about , all three of us had been doing it for decades . So I asked for help from the Alzheimer 's Association and finally had the help I needed . February of 2012 I broke my hip tripping over my Mom - that sent me to the hospital and rehab for 8 weeks with another 4 in outpatient therapy . By that time , my doctor , my family , my friends were really worried about me . The therapists at rehab told me if I went back to what I was doing , I would be back in rehab permanently . I realized I couldn 't keep taking care of mom without some major help . I had arranged caregivers during the day so I could get out for a few hours a week for a break , but it was also time to think seriously of long - term decisions . I went through paperwork to enroll Mom in the Providence Elderplace program - they would take care of all her needs and provide caregivers when she wasn 't at the Center . It was good for her to go to the Center and be with other people - all the staff there is wonderful with all the people . Also , her new doctor , PT , OT and anything else she needed was there . They helped me find a really good adult family home for Mom because she was needing more and more care . In October 2012 we moved her there and it was just the right time . She was still able to socialize , any longer and it would have been harder . More paperwork , then even more to apply for Medicaid - by that time I had gotten her checking account down to $ 2000 and sold everything to pay her monthly bill for Providence . At the same time , we were applying for a loan and vast amounts of paperwork for that . February 2013 Mom was approved for Medicaid but it wasn 't until the beginning of June when the mortgage went through . Then 4 or 5 weeks of kitchen remodel for a wonderful kitchen . So many other things still to do for the house . I have been trying to sell the furniture so we can have our own things around us , but not much luck . I don 't know if I just don 't know how to do it or if something is holding me back . Plus , so much cleaning out ! February of this year I past the 2 year mark of breaking my hip . My rheumatologist said 70 % people who break a bone will break another one within 2 years . I was determined to be in the 30 % and I made it - no falls or broken bones since the hip . So here we are in 2014 and it feels like a brand new start . I have decided to move our furniture upstairs and my parents down to the basement . We need to paint the living room and I want Brad to create a new mantle with crown molding . it has been raining so consistently I haven 't had enough clear days to move furniture and not get it wet . So what does all of this have to do with working smarter ? I had a call from the client I worked with 3 years ago when I spent four days straight on her quotes . I had a week to update them and this time , I paced myself over the week . Yes , it meant I worked a lot on Easter but I wanted to be able to finish on Monday and feel human . By George , I did it ! I took my time , took breaks , went out to do things and didn 't allow myself to get antsy in the that " Got to get it down " mindset . She has a board meeting today where she will present i - no idea if the board will go for it this time or not . They vetoed it three years ago . So here I am , 3 years older and a whole lot smarter and wiser . I have been doing a lot of quotes and very happy to report a lot of them have turned into orders . I am surprised to look up and find my life has changed a lot from Feb 2014 - I 'm not sure how it happened , I know I have changed a lot as well . I am better at asking for help , knowing that when something comes up , I can handle it , especially knowing I have friends and colleagues I can turn to for help . If it hadn 't been for Dave Gagley and all his help with Mom 's stuff , I would have been in a rubber room . So many people are willing and happy to help , now I have ways to help other people when they are dealing with some of what I have been doing . The hardest part is going to see Mom twice a week at the adult family home . She can 't really carry on a conversation in worlds I understand , though it is in a very conversational tone - she understands it but the circuits between her brain and her mouth have too many shorts now . I read to her , take my iPad to play music she likes and of course , she loves the chocolate and cookies I bring every time . I don 't ever want her to think I have abandoned her , so I visit and enjoy what I can with her . She is usually glad to see me , whether she recognizes me as her daughter or just a familiar presence . That 's a very good question , one I haven 't quite understood after 43 years . I talked to a medical intuitive a while back and she told me it was only my energy ; I was hoping there was also someone else 's energy that could be cleared . So it is all me - wonder what caused me to decide to experience it in this lifetime . There is a quotation " Things are not done TO you , but FOR you " . Well , that one takes some pondering - something I have spent a long time doing but not really reaching any conclusions or answers . Does that mean it is karma in some form , balancing out something from a past life ? I believe I have had past lives , though so far I haven 't remembered them myself . Am I supposed to - is it necessary for this time on earth ? Sometime s I feel I have more questions than answers . Is there something about my life that is overwhelming and I don 't know how to deal with it ? Am I reluctant to take responsibility for things ? What things would that be ? Or is it for protection so I don 't have to deal with certain things " because I have RA " ? I realize I look at everything in terms of RA . I see things I would like to do , but then see the physical obstacles that could prevent me because my joints aren 't always flexible . I felt that way about riding the Duck , the steps were a little steep and somewhat difficult to navigate , but I went up and then back down . Sometimes I am afraid to try - in case I fail and can 't actually do it . Oh my , I can see I set myself up to fail by not giving something a try . Part of it comes from feeling clumsy and awkward ; I would rather not put myself in that position . I also realize I am limiting myself - that I have put those limitations on myself . I have felt clumsy and awkward most of my life , I was the overweight ( not that much but enough ) middle child between two slender sisters . I don 't really know how it feels to be thinner . I lost about 35 pounds when I was in junior college ; now I realize I didn 't really believe it or feel it was really me . Enough about that - it is the past and no longer something I want to focus my energy . What just occurred to me is that RA may be possibly part of my Life Lesson and Life Purpose . Maybe these are things I want to heal in this lifetime . I was about to say " I think " instead of stating it because I have always been like that . One of my Life Lessons is standing up for myself , speaking my truth - at this point there isn 't an " I think " about it . Another is taking back my power - what a wonderful discovery to realize I do have power when I always thought before that I didn 't have any . What a concept ! I also realize I have had a very negative view of RA - it was done TO me . I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA - don 't think I can see it that way any more . I have been writing about the gifts in RA , a much more positive view than in the beginning . Anything to do with past lives , Spirit , etc . was not talked about because people who did were weird . Heavy duty hocus pocus , woo woo and goofball stuff . Yet that goofball stuff has really helped me , to understand a little better and also to take personal responsibility rather than continue seeing myself as a victim . This seems a collection of random thoughts to me - I 'm not sure it has logic or continuity to it . As I write , thoughts come to me and I write them down . It is one of those t imps where I am not sure where it is leading . I admit to having to stop and wonder what to write next , then a thought comes and I start writing again . I just thought of Louise Hay and what she wrote in her book " You Can Heal Your Life " . She said that when you truly love yourself , things will sort themselves out - my words . I have been focusing on two major things for quite a while - Loving Myself and Life Purpose . So much of what goes on is a result of my thoughts and as she says " It 's just a thought and a thought can be changed " . Also I have read and heard that what I am experiencing now is from thoughts not very long ago . The problem I am having is recognizing what those thoughts are that continue RA and what the positives are to replace them . I know a lot of those negative thoughts have been there for a very long time and it is hard to recognize them . What surprises me is that my Mom 's dementia has brought some of the programs into the light so I can recognize them . Then I realize how I have been operating with them all my life without knowing it . I may not know yet the " Why " but I am learning ways to see what has been happening all my life ; plus what and how I can change thoughts that once served me but are now invalid . I am slowly creating new positive thoughts and patterns for this stage of my life . Last week was a crazy time for me . I wrote yesterday about the week before - last week had its own ups and downs - who knows what this week will bring . Monday I check my Soul Card reading and found these 2 cards : " Notice repetitious signs and your inner guidance , as this can yield valuable information . It 's not your imagination that Heaven is sending you signs and Divine guidance . Anytime you hear something three or more times , especially within a short amount of time period , it 's information worthy of your attention . " I have been noticing my higher self coming through more - I am not listening to ego quite as much and when she comes out , I thank her and tell her I choose something else . I feel there is something coming , not sure exactly what but it feels like something wonderful . I am rather impatient to find out what it is , the time for it is coming soon . I am amazed at how the cards reflect what is happening in my life . Always a good start to the week . I had my appointment with Dr . Cheryl for my adjustment - she has really helped my shoulder and neck so much . I was having some problem with my neck and she made such a difference , I could feel as if there were knots and she did a great job . It is amazing how she can give a wonderful back and neck rub while adjusting and aligning . I had the rest of the day to myself , so I came home and had some lunch before having a lie down . I find myself yawning and tired when I am finished with the adjustment . I wanted to write a post since I hadn 't for a bit , but the nap turned out to be the best thing for me at that moment . Tuesday turned out to be MY day - the one I missed the week before because of the computer . I slept for as long as I wanted , had a long hot shower - except it now isn 't quite as hot . This has been frustrating because it comes and goes , so I know something isn 't right . Eddie doesn 't seem to notice but I certainly do . There are times when I wondered if I was going nuts . Anyway , I just decided to do or not do whatever I felt like doing - nothing HAD to be done , just whatever came up for me . How lovely the day was for me . Wednesday was Breakfast Club and I talked to John the plumber about the hot water - he was at home Tuesday and if I had called , he would have come . So we arranged for Friday morning . Then I had to leave because I needed to be at Mom 's before 9 : 45 . She had an appointment to have a mammogram , as far as I know , the first one she has had . When we enrolled her in the ElderPlace program , they did a physical . There was a lump and they have been keeping an eye on it the past few months . It had gotten bigger so they decided to do the mammogram . I will admit to feeling very stressed about it , how she would do , how cooperative , etc . Then I decided I was looking at it in the negative , so I asked the Universe to create the solution with all the words , attitudes , actions , etc . and I would just show up and get out of the way . I will admit I was somewhat tense when I went , especially because she wasn 't sure what it was all about . The Tri - Med cabulance came and she ended up going to sleep on the way downtown . I decided to do the cabulance was to be there for Mom all the way as well as be a calming influence for her rather than just meet her at the office . All of the techs were really great , very helpful and friendly , very gentle with Mom . She wasn 't all that pleased about any of it , especially when it came to being the filling in a the sandwich . They had trouble with the side shots - by then she had had enough . So we went to another room so they could do an ultrasound . They told me they didn 't think it was benign , so they wanted her back for a biopsy . The appointment was made for Friday afternoon . Tri - Med came back and she slept most of the way back to her house . I was glad to get back in time for Eddie and me to go to our appointment at Apple . I fixed up my computer for the box in the morning and Eddie was going to put it together for me . He needed to learn to use it and I needed help with mine as well . We ended up changing techs in mid stream so we both learned a lot . I haven 't been writing lately , seems as if things have gotten in my way - or let them get in the way . I just put up a new post that I have been working on since the last one I wrote about it . Could be a matter of Life happening while I am planning . I have noticed in the last 2 or 3 weeks that Mom has been having more not so good days - or is that simply my connotation of it . Last week I went to see her and brought two long sleeve tees for her and another pair of slippers . When I had seen her the Friday before , she had lost one of the ties and was having trouble keeping that slipper on . So I was going to bring the reds - both pair my sister Ellen had given her for different Christmas presents . When I arrived , she was asleep , so I checked with Judy to see what was happening . She said Mom hadn 't been sleeping very well at night - still haven 't quite figured out what is going on or what to do - so Mom sleeps during the day a lot . I didn 't want to disturb her rest so I didn 't go in . Judy told me Mom had taken the slipper without the tie and torn it so it couldn 't be worn again , then put it in her pillow case . So I left the things and said I would be back Friday . When I came back , Mom wasn 't there - she was at the Center for a UT test that Didi had ordered . I decided to call on Saturday before I came - good things because Mom was resting . I called on Sunday morning because Eddie had gone to the Museum Flight to do his docent stint and it turned out to be a good time for Mom . So I went and had a lovely time with her ; we laughed , remembered things and it was really good . She seemed in good spirits and I was glad . We talked about her walker , that she hated it . When I asked her why , she said it was ugly . So I suggested I would get some red ribbon and see if I could make it less ugly . I told her I had to learn to use one in rehab and I didn 't like it , but I knew I had to so I could get better . not sure what registered with her . Tuesday I called before I left o see how she was doing ; she had slept late and was eating breakfast . Delores next door wanted visit so I took her over to see Mom . She was sitting in the dining room and didn 't say a whole lot . She had that old woman look - I am going to have to come to terms with that - and a somewhat defeated look . Delores and I did a lot of the talking , Mom didn 't seem interested in saying much except a few responses to things . She was cold so we got her the pink shawl and that helped a lot . But she seemed to tire quickly , so we thought we should leave . I asked the caregiver if she would help Mom get up and use the walker so she could rest a bit . The older lady came and Mom took one look at her and told her she didn 't want her near her , to go away , the woman had hurt her and scratched her . I am not sure how much is true , but I asked the younger woman to watch to see what happens . I said I thought possibly someone who had helped her up and been too firm on Mom 's hands and had inadvertently caused the bruises . I am going this afternoon and bringing the sugar - free cookies that I forgot to take on Tuesday . Friday Jan gave me money to buy them since there are three who are diabetic and sugar isn 't good for the other three . I was so embarrassed I had forgotten to take them Tuesday - I am upset when I don 't do what I promised - and they were disappointed . So I have two sets - oatmeal and chocolate chip - and I will give Jan her money back because it was my bad . I will update this post when I come home this afternoon . Actually the visit went well , one of the good days . I suspect the cookies helped as well . They were all happy with cookies as well . I tried to give Jan her money back but she wouldn 't take it - I told her it was my bad for not keeping my promise so the cookies are on me . I found Mom in her room sitting on her bed hugging two of her bears . The big one now named Marigold after her dad 's middle name . Now she has another smaller bear , so I asked if it was a girl so we could think of a girl 's name . I happen to look up at the butterfly hooked rug and suggested calling her Butterfly , but that didn 't go over at all . So I suggest a flower name , by then I wasn 't sure she was interested . I talked to Didi and found out Mom has been very contrary for a while , not wanting anyone to help her bathe , put on clean clothes , etc . Apparently she also will pull her hands away in mid lift , so far she has been close to something to sit back on . Even at the Center she won 't let them near her to check to make she everything is all right . I asked Didi if it would help if I was at the Center when they want to check her to see if she would be more willing . We 'll see what happens . Didi said that farther on she will be at peace with the situation but right now she fights them at every turn . I have no idea what goes on in her head , I can 't imagine how confusing and scary it is for her . After finally making a decision about Mom , I was back in waiting mode again . The group at Providence had to do its business office drill and I wasn 't sure what the outcome would be . I will be frank , the thought of having to do it a third time was not something I wanted to contemplate , much less do again . But I put it God 's hands and asked that everything would done in a way that works . I have been very neutral this week , not that excitement and relief I had the last time . Maybe it is self preservation because it was such a let down with the other house fell apart . Monday after I saw Didi the second time , I emailed the social worker to report on the three houses I had seen and also my visit to Didi . She wrote back " Our agency will complete the screening process and I 'll let you know as soon as I know if everything has cleared . " I wasn 't sure what to make of that . I thought it was settled - Didi had said the papers were ready , they were waiting for me to decide . So I spent the week wondering - I did email the social worker to say I was a bit confused . She wrote back that they are doing their best to take care of it and Mom - the process is slow . Hmmm , sounds par for the course when officialdom is involved . I had thought we could move Mom on Thursday - though I wasn 't holding my breath . Good thing because it wasn 't moving day after all . One thing that kept my mind off the situation was the three days John spent with his crew to cut back the rest of the jungle . By George , we have a right side to our garage now . I had forgotten how wide the north side of the house and garage is - it has been so overgrown no one can go through it . John unearthed more tires and couple of car parts - had no idea they were there . He also gave us the view back , gave the fruit trees a haircut and also the blueberries . He kept his crew working , just as hard as he works himself . There are other things that need doing but this is what made a huge difference . I didn 't want to have everything done because I didn 't want to freak out Mom - I think this is more than enough at the moment . Since Thursday wasn 't moving day , I went and had my massage , oh did that feel good ! I have been clearing out so much negativity and programs - still more to go . What 's cool is that even though it is deep tissue massage , it doesn 't hurt as much as it did in the beginning . I actually fell asleep a couple of weeks ago . Debye is amazed at how different my body is from when we started , she sees it changing and healing as she is working . She also said she admires me for doing the work , most people at 65 have decided their life is done and not interested in doing the work . She says I am very determined to get to the truth - all I know is that I want to " know that I know " who I truly am and love , accept , approve and trust myself . Friday I went to see my regular doc and he was pleased with ow I am doing ; plus he was asking about Mom . I told him what the situation was and he is fine with that . I also had my haircut - not much left of it but so much easier to wash , comb and go . I wonder sometimes if it makes make cheeks look chubbier , yet I have been given many compliments on it . I will keep it and see what happens . I also played telephone tag with the social worker Friday , she just asked me to call , no info otherwise . I figured it could go either way , so I kept the neutral feeling . We finally talked and the house has been approved , now she just wants to know when the moving day is . I need to call Kathy - she is on holiday and I don 't really like disturbing her . I want her to help with the move because Mom likes and trusts her and she also has a lot of experience . I suspect Mom may be very angry at me - if she needs a target , okay , I am it . I am going to ask at Breakfast Club for a driver and pickup so I can take two of her chairs to the new house - she will have familiar things around her . I still don 't have that excited feeling , very little emotion on it - wonder if that will change when the move is made ? I will say , I got a really good night 's sleep Friday night . Last night was okay but some time I was awake in the middle of the night . I am not making any plans for the days after Thursday , I want to be sure it is actually happening and she is settled in . That may take a month or more , in case she needs to come back , things are still the same . When I went to Breakfast Club this morning , it was Moving Day for Mom to her adult family home . I had spent yesterday creating lists of what she will take and getting some things ready . Kathy came over this morning to help me choose her clothes and I got to use my permanent marking pen to put Mom 's name on the labels of her clothes . Kathy did laundry so everything was clean and ready to go . She came by yesterday afternoon to have Mom pack a suitcase so she would feel she had a part in the process . At the time Kathy left , she had some questions that I needed to ask Jas today . I called Jas and asked the questions and she answered them for me . Then she told me a situation had come up about one of the requirements from Providence . She was checking on it and would let me know . I called Denise , the social worker , to see what she knew and what was happening . I must admit , it really upset me that there was a glitch that looked as if moving wasn 't going to happen - I might even have to start from square one again . I felt like crying and Kathy said to just let it out - so I did . There is still some left but I think I got a lot of it out then . There is disappointment , let down , upset , frustration and I am not sure what the emotion is about not having my life back after all . I will admit to counting down the days and thinking last night it was the last night Mom would sleep here . Kathy suggested we go out for lunch because I needed to get out of the house . As we were leaving , Jas called and said she was going to take care of the requirement fully . I said that was great , that we could do the move next Tuesday or Wednesday when everything was verified by the social worker . That way it isn 't a hurried situation . I was thinking this morning that it was in God 's hands , whatever works . It was a little hard to remember that when the glitch surfaced . I got into a panic and thank goodness Kathy was there to calm me down and it is only a glitch . I did do a few " God help me ! " while setting an intention of surrendering , allowing and being willing . The good part about it is that we have decided what to pack for her , so that is done . I have gotten most of the items labelled , though some present a challenge . So I will have to work out how to label those in the next week or so . The other thing is that if I had to go looking again , I have a much better idea of the kind of place I want for Mom . Since all of this came to a head about noon time or later , it throws an spanner in the works for me . Sheila who assigns caregivers didn 't think she would be able to have one for tomorrow morning because it is short notice . She isn 't sure about Friday either and she will check to see if Aster can come Sunday and someone for Sunday . Also , Eddie is coming home from 3 days in Spokane , about the time Mom will come back from the Center . Two people need to be picked up and there is only one of me . So I will collect Mom from the Center tomorrow , come home and wait for Eddie to call and then the two of us will pick him up at the airport . He called late this afternoon and was very surprised when I told him the two of us would be there to pick him up . If no one shows up tomorrow , I have to be here until the van comes , but I have some business for Mom I need to take care of before my massage . And I AM NOT going to cancel my massage , I have had to cancel too many things lately to take care of things for her . This is for me and I so need it ! It has been an emotional roller coaster all day , I am ready to sleep , I just hope I can and not oversleep tomorrow . I did this morning but was still on time for Breakfast Club . Mom has been asleep since at least 6 - not sure if she will be up wandering around later or not . Yes , this too will pass . There is a purpose , a gift and a lesson in all of this , right now I am too tired to look for it . It will all reveal itself at some point . The one thing Kathy said was that I dodged a bullet . Suppose I had moved her there and she had settled in , then had to take her out because a glitch happened . That would be so much harder for Mom , I am not sure if she would transition a second time . Strangely enough , Mom hasn 't asked about moving , she kept asking where her mother is - this is something new , asking about one or both parents . Too bad I don 't have a good answer for her . Lee , when you move , I move . When you reach , I reach . And when you go the extra mile , I clear the way . But not a moment sooner . I so appreciate the daily note from The Universe during the week - so often it is spot on to what I am thinking , doing or wondering about in my life . Certainly finding a place for my Mom has been one of those very uncomfortable situations ; I am so grateful for The Universe already creating the solution ( even though I wasn 't really sure ) and all the people who have been helping me all along the way . I am so glad I don 't have to do it all by myself - I would be bouncing off the walls a rubber room by now . I have had help from Providence , Kathy has been a great help and Eddie as well . When it comes to Mom 's financial and business affairs , I have had a lot of help from my Networking Breakfast Club - Dave our elder law attorney , people who know about houses and property , others who have had to deal with the same kind of situation , caregivers , etc . I have such support from friends and family to help me take care of myself and have a more objective view of the situation - I am still on the emotional end of it , not as much but still there . Plus God , angels , spirit guides and master teaches to help and guide me . Monday on Labor Day I called around and found one place with an opening . Eddie and I went down there and spent almost 2 hours with Jaswir . ( She said I was the first one to pronounce it properly . She goes by Jas ) This is a double wide manufactured home that has room for 6 people . The room Mom would share is what used to be the master suite , so it is larger and has a bigger closet , and a bath they both share . Her room mate is a woman with Dementia , though quite articulate and friendly . The other woman seem to be at about the same level of function as Mom and they interact with each other . They eat together and there is a covered back porch as well as a nice area in the front they like to sit - Jas said they love to be outside when it is sunny . I had a better feeling about this home and arranged for Kathy to come and see it with us yesterday . I was pleased that she liked what she saw and when she talked to Jas - she can see and notice things that I don 't know to ask . So today Jas is going to meet Mom at the Center and assess her level of function and the Providence records . She has worked with them before and knows Mom 's doctor , Kathy thinks that is a real plus . So I am hoping they can reach an agreement . This is where I really have to let go and put it in God 's hands - this or something better . I am not anxious to go calling any more , but I willing to do it if it is necessary . Yesterday was attorney and mortgage day - we talked to Dave and Tom to see the options for the house and what will work for us . No decision but now we are checking to see if refinancing with a loan of our own and some extra to fix it up is in our budget . Brad came by and we explained what we are thinking of doing , he will now give us and estimate and see how that fits with a loan with a reasonable monthly payment . I want the whole things settled right now , but it is a time of constant patience because so much of it depends on other people doing their job . It is hard to be patient , I 'm doing my best . This has been a time of learning and growing - not always a comfortable process . I have been learning about myself as well as about Dementia ; it seems to be more clear at times when I look back at what has just happened . I am realizing a lot of childhood programs and triggers , plus seeing how I have been influenced in my adult years with out realizing it . Now it seems as if I am growing stronger and more adult as Mom diminishes and is weaker . She has always been a very strong influence on my , maybe when she is gone I can finally be myself . That is what my friend Kathie Brodie found after her mom died . The other important things she learned what what her mom was teaching her - it was never clear and when she talked to another friend who talks to angels , she finally understood . It was her aunt who said she could now be herself . It truly has been an uncomfortable time , that means I have been and am growing , stretching and learning . Truly out of my comfort zone . Several friends have told me that I will be glad I was here for my Mom . that I will have no regrets . I admit I regret I have not been as patient as I wanted to be , it has been hard to be with her as a friend - I am hoping when she is settled in her new home that we can have a more enjoyable relationship .
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Bekah , you made me smile . You know he used to say that to our kids here too ! ! ! He was such a jokester . I am glad that he can still bring a smile to your face . And I hope he can in the years to come . Well , its been an up and down week for me . I told Sallye , it seems just when you feel like your making some headway . . . . . you find yourself falling . That happened to me several times this week . Course , you know about Rachel 's birthday . That was hard . So hard . It is hard to do things as a family when you don 't quite feel like a family . And I just can 't even think of what to buy Rachel . John always had such great ideas . I just have tomorrow ( Saturday ) and then I 'm out of luck . I miss him so much . And , let me just say before I say what I am about to say . . . . could be very embarrassing to me . But , you know , I 'm not embarrassed because I bring it to your attention because you are my prayer warriors . You are my friends that haven 't left me after 3 months because you have forgotten me , you are my hope . I was served with a summons to appear in court . Now , I can 't go into details . . . not because I don 't want to , but because I don 't understand it all . My attorney is working on it for me , but I am just beside myself . I pretty much cried all day today . In fact , one kid asked , " Mrs . Griffis are you okay ? " I said , " No , I have been crying . " He said , " Oh , I am sorry . It looked like you had a cold . But I am sorry you feel bad . " I wish I could tell you more so you would know how to pray . . . . but , I know you don 't have to know the particulars . . . . just that we need to pray for God 's intervention . Pray for the wisdom of my attorney . Pray for me . . . . that I will continue to give it to the Lord and not hold onto it . Isaac is doing so much better . He has his moments , but isn 't that every kid at his age ? He is being more amicable with me . More respectable . Working harder at school . I think I told you that we had the opportunity to talk about giving our hearts to Jesus . I believe he is trying to comprehend that . I still feel sad for him regarding sports . DaddyPosted by Another of those dreaded days . I know everyone says there has to be a first , but the firsts are the things I want to run from . Today is Rachel 's birthday . I almost think she is dreading it ! She would tell everyone what she wanted . . . naturally . . . but she would not plan a party . I put it off and put it off till I couldn 't anymore . finally , I asked her what she wanted to do , she didn 't know , then I asked her if she wanted to wait until next week to celebrate with her friends . All kinds of excuses and reasons for this I can come up with : she just doesn 't want to celebrate with out daddy , or the house . . . being under construction is a mess , I am still sleeping with her . . . . I don 't know . The last time she had a friend come over . . . the first since . . . . I slept on the couch and she came out and said she was sorry I had to sleep on the couch . So , just pray for my little Rach . It just seems that she has a lot on her little mind for as Young as she is . This weekend is the Middle School Banquet . She will be preforming in it . I hope you will get to see her . She is precious . I have shed many tears over my relationship with Isaac . We get along pretty well , until studying time or he wants something . Natural I know that is what most of you are saying . But this week was the last straw . I just cant take the anger between him and I . He can become so hateful . We were trying to study and he and I just argued . About what was to be studied . . . . etc . It ended in both of us in tears . One thing I have always been careful about is to never let any of my kids go to sleep angry or sad . . . that between us is nothing but good . But I couldn 't deal with him that night anymore . But , as I was walking by his bedroom , there stood Matthew talking . . . . brother to brother with him . I don 't know all that was said . . . . but I pray that my pain . . . . turns into their gain as far as brothers and closeness goes . Yesterday morning as Isaac was waiting for Gramps to come and get him for baseball practice he came in and sat down on the couch as I was reading my devotions . I closed my Posted by Wasn 't Jason 's message so wonderful yesterday ? I gained so much from that ! God , through Jason , reached into the depths of my soul and spoke to me . As my faithful readers you know Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me . I would rather stay in bed . But , I know that that isn 't what God wants , it wouldn 't be what John would want . . . and it definitely isn 't a good example for the kids . But , I was so glad that I went . Sunday School was just as awesome . I believe in my heart that God is speaking through Dave . I sense the spirit in him . He is spirit led . That is why I am so anxious to go to Sunday School to see what God has given Dave to teach me . . . . that I can be more like my Father . Well , my bedroom is almost finished . You can begin praying . The floor is in , and the paint done . The paint is beautiful ! Beautiful ! As I said before , some ladies from the school said that they wanted to redo my bedroom from bottom to top . I told them that as soon as it was painted they could . So , it is just a matter of getting hold of them . I love it ! I just send out thank yous and love to all the men that showed up and helped Jeff Saturday . Thanks so much for what you are doing for me and the kids . When I walked into the bedroom the first time after it was painted I couldn 't believe the calm that I felt . God was there . I still can 't sleep in there . It isn 't completely finished as I said . And , I am not sure I want to sleep in that queen bed by myself . Doesn 't that sound big for one person ? I am actually scared of being so lonely that I can 't sleep in there . So , if you know of anyone that has a full mattress . . . . I would love to hear from them . It just makes me feel better . . . I can 't explain it . My bathroom has the new floor in and the primer on the wall . It won 't be long till that is finished also . Then it is onto the boys bathroom . It really needs to be redone . It is kind of gross ! ! ! ! The kids are okay . Rach has been sick for the last 3 days . She stayed home from school today and I took her to the dr . No strep which is what I was worried about . Posted by Well , a new day dawns . Yesterday was hard . So hard . I think this was the first day where I just didn 't care that the kids saw me cry . I don 't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing . If I didn 't let them see me cry and hurt , I would have had to leave school . It was pretty much all day . I left home crying . I gave Matthew his letter from john , that I had found . Then had to leave . I didn 't really want to be there when he read it . I don 't know how he reacted when he read it , or how he felt . You know he doesn 't share much of his feeling with me . But I hope it encouraged him some , to know how much his dad loved him and believed in him . Then I got to school and still could not contain myself . I just cried . I shut myself in Mrs . Benda 's room before school started and just let it come . Bekki walked in unexpectedly and right away she empathized with me . Trying to comfort me . I think the reason it poured in there was because I had returned a book that she had got for John and I . . . . " His Needs , Her Needs " . . I returned it to her because I thought , " I will never need it , WE will never need it . It just killed me to think that . Then I went to Mrs . Adams room to teach for a little bit while she was gone for a while . I was still weak with tears , weak with strength . I got their attention ( all 6th graders ) and was honest with them . As I cried I told them that I was having a bad day and that I couldn 't talk or teach . And I told them that I was going to stay in there , but I was going to let the aid handle the class . She did a great job , the kids were awesome . They sat quietly , respecting my needs . Margaret Ann did come back and we went into her office and I shared with her what had happened , how I was feeling . She hugged me and held me . Just held me . As I left her room I was still crying . Yes , there were kids in the hall . Yes , they saw me crying . But I could not control the tears . Just could not . I went to my next assigned room , which Bekki was in . By then , I think the word had gotten around to the the teachers that it wasn 't a good dayPosted by Well its been 3 months since I lost the love of my life . My help mate . My best friend . And I am feeling the pain tremendously today . I woke with the " tear " in my heart today . It just seems to become bigger and bigger , heavier and heavier . I asked God how long , Lord , how long must i endure ? Again . . if it weren 't for my precious children he has given me . Yes , I am in the midst of that surprise tidal wave that I have heard so much about . How much longer Lord . He reminds me of all He has done . . . He reminds me He is carries me , but I hurt so badly it just wont go away . He is gone . As I said in the last blog , last night I was moving things from the bedroom so that they can come in and lay some flooring . So I began doing that as soon as I was out of school yesterday . You know . . . how we put things in nook and crannies . Well , I found some of John 's nook and crannies . And I cried . I found cards , meant for me . . . . unsigned . . . his stash as he would say it . I found cards to me from him . . . signed with such loving thoughts and such great love . I found poems written to me . Not many people know that John and I went through a difficult time in our marriage about last January . But , we renewed our love . It was as if we were newlyweds again . But , it took time . I found books that we had read together . Promises we had made to one another . Then I found the book that went with that movie . . . I can 't remember the name now . . . but it was a big christian movie about a marriage about to break up . . . . . and he found the Lord . . . . . Well , John 's mom bought that for us for our last anniversary . And we were reading it . It is still marked in the last page we read together . I ask again . . . not looking for an answer . . . because I know there isn 't one . . . but why ? I love him this day as I loved him the last day I saw him . I love him . This morning in devotions . . . . I want to share . . . . I know there is help in it . It has strengthened me . . . . though I am in tears . . . naturally . . . I find hope in these words . This is from the book " Jesus Calling " . You are feeling weighted down by a plethora Posted by Wow , I feel so put to shame . You have all been so faithful in reading my blog and I have let you down . Isaac has been sick , I didn 't feel good one evening . . . . . so I just haven 't had time to sit down and talk with you . You are my friends , and I feel like I have let you down . I will try to do better . Things have been alright here . Yesterday was not a good day . It is funny how I can see the Lord working but at the same time I see the enemy trying to defeat me . I woke yesterday with a longing for John . I missed him so much . But I did my devotions , and prayed about it , talked to God about it , and yep . . . . even read about it ! And I told Sallye that by the time I left my " prayer chair " I was calm , and peaceful . Then I went to school and someone said something to me that I know was meant for good , but just set me way back . . . . I mean way back . So that set the tone for my day . I was downcast . ( you know when I used to read that in the Psalms about David . . . . that he was downcast , I didn 't really know what he meant . . . . I do now ) . . . so I was sitting at lunch and I get a text from David . He tells me that from a hospital bill that was $ 160 , 000 , I only have to end up paying 417 . 50 . Praise the Lord ! That is something I was worried about . I told Sallye . . . when am I going to learn that God always goes ahead of my worries ! ! ! ! ! Then I came home and dreaded , just dreaded fixing dinner . . . . put in some premade macaroni dish . . . then the only one that ate with me . . . in the living room , was Matthew . I just felt like a looser of a mom . Defeated again . Then later in the evening Sallye and Jeff show up with flooring for the girls bathroom . We are going to change the back bathroom to the girls ( that includes me ) , and the front to the boys , since that is where our bedrooms are closer to . I was thrilled . Then they began to talk about flooring for the bedroom . It was a moment of mixed emotions for me . Rachel 's birthday is next week , I know she wants a sleepover , but when I asked her she said she didn 't know . Well , I know why . Her mom is sleeping with her ! And I cPosted by God is good . God is Great ! He is so faithful ! I think the things I was most worried about yesterday he just carried me right through . . . . . . . the first of course was church . Oh , how I dreaded going . But , it was very inspirational . Then I was worried even more about Sunday School . Being mostly married couples I was so afraid what would be talked about . It was talked a little bit at the beginning , and I teared up . . . just a little . . . but called on My Lord . . . . and he came to me and comforted me . Then , I was worried about going to my in - laws . While I knew that it was pretty much agreed by all that Valentines day would not be celebrated . . . it was all on our minds and in our hearts why it was not . We celebrated the life of Jonathon which helped the hurt a little easier to ! ! ! ! ! I have always hated being along since . . . . but it was okay . I took a little nap , watched a little tv , and talked to my sister in Illinois on the computer . As I crawled into bed last night I thought back over the day and that poem about God Carrying You in the sand and there are no footprints . I thought if my day could have a picture . . . that is what you would find . That you would see two sets of footprints going to church , one set at church , two coming home and going to Marilyn 's , one set at Marilyn 's , two coming home . . . . and one while I sat alone at the house . He carried me so much yesterday . I know it without a doubt . I had a Holy calm about me . I can 't explain it , except to say . . . . He was with me . Today was a good day . God was with me all day . I felt his presence and we even found time to talk with each other throughout the day at school . Because there are still times when I could sit and cry . . . but He picks me up and holds me , till I feel strong enough to go on again . This evening I did have a moment . I was sharing with Jeff and Sallye that both Jay and I have a very hard time when we drive into the driveway . See , John fell off the roof right in the corner between the house and the garage . That is what I saw when I rounded the corner that dreadful day . That is whaPosted by I am sure I will post tonight . But I just had to give God the glory for how I am feeling today . I know that a lot of you prayer for me . . . . your prayers were answered ! ! ! ! ! I woke with no sick feeling or dread in my heart . Showered , then came straight out and made blueberry hearts for each of the kids . . . . and even made the fifth one . . . . John 's . No one said anything , , but it made everything complete . I woke each of the kids with a " Happy Valentine 's Day ! Not saying that was easy though . They came to the kitchen and opened their cards . I didn 't know how they felt , but I had signed their cards , " mommy and daddy " . I 've decided that his love is still in their hearts . He is always with us . As they looked at their cards , each reading quietly , but none of them mentioned a word . I hope that I didn 't hurt any of them . But I want them to know that I believe he is still with us , in our hearts and memories , and we will acknowledge that . Matthew and Hannah , Sallye and Jeff sat together in church . I felt like a family sitting there . We share so much love between all of us . I was afraid of breaking down , just looking at the couples , but God sustained me . Then , when we went to Sunday School , that was probably the most fearful . But as we walked the fear back to the Lord and he carried me . It was so hard when Danny asked about gifts received . I almost cried then . But , I remembered what God had said . . . . " today was in his hands " . I still carry a hurt in my heart . It is there yes . But , I think God is helping me to learn to deal with my emotions better . . It is becoming easier to focus on the positive and not the negative . I am finding it so true though , that when I keep my focus on Him . . . . . . I don 't feel so much pain . It is only 12 : 08 . I have yet to go to Jay and Marlyn 's . We are not celebrating Valentine 's Day there . Instead we are celebrating Jonathon 's birthday . It will be a sad day . . . we all realize that . It will hurt so much not to have John at the table with us . On this special day . But , He will carry me . Marilyn and I had a good cry togetherPosted by Can 't sleep . Up alone . . . . of course . It 's killing me . Just killing me . I wasn 't going to school today . I just couldn 't deal with the whole valentine thing . Yesterday was hard . Thursday . I didn 't think I would make it through the day . Flowers . . . . . Just seeing someone get them killed me . I had to go cry for a while . Well , that set the tone for the day for me . Then , watching Hannah play basketball . . . wow . . . her daddy would have been so proud of her . It seemed my day was darkening yet even more when I had to be out on the floor celebrating what John should have been able to celebrate with her . That was something they dreamed together about . My heart broke for her . . . . and I yearned for him to be there with us . And . . . in the back of my mind . . . . v - day . I decided Thursday night that there was no way I was going to school on Friday . I knew the office would be filled with flowers to wives , husbands , even girlfriends . And . . . . I knew none of them had my name on them . I couldn 't do it . But , I got up and had devotions this morning . And it seemed everything that I read God was pushing me to go . I had to pray that God would carry me close to his HEART . Because I couldn 't do it alone . . but I knew he wanted me there . I obeyed . And . . . . in the back of my mind . . . . v - day . He did carry me . It was hard . My first tear came when a little girl named Macy . She was in John 's class last year . He fell in love with her as well as me . She has a sweet personality . . . . and you can tell she is so sensitive . She brought me a small gift bag with a gift in it . And also in it was the sweetest poem about how she loved to see me smile because it made her smile . I told her how sweet it was of her . . . that that may be the only gift I received this day . . . . and I was glad it was from her . And . . . in the back of my mind I am dreading . . . v - dayThen , as I was sitting in my last class , Karen brought in a small beautiful bouquet of flowers . Beautiful . At first I didn 't move . Never thinking they could be for me . But she said they were . The card was signed , " Your Angels that Love you " . I knPosted by This week has been a cloud for me . Ever since Monday . . . I just don 't feel anything . . . . numb might be the word . Going thru the actions . . . . Yesterday was a blah day . Isaac and I got into it first thing in the morning . He called me a name that is just not acceptable . It was over something so trivial . You know I made a promise to him a while ago that I would not yell at him . And I have kept that promise . Even this morning . But I can 't have him calling me that . It is so hard to discipline him when I KNOW he is still grieving and mourning John 's loss . Hannah played against OCS last night . It was a long drive ! ! ! They had half time shoot outs as a fund raiser for our family . It was so sweet of them and I really appreciate them for doing it . Lonely . . . I think that is what I feel . Today , I was just out of it . My mind was so gone . I mean , poor Mrs . Benda she would have to repeat things to me several times before I would get it . I just couldn 't focus . I know I am so worried about V day coming . But , I don 't think I am necessarily dwelling on it . I don 't know . . . I just don 't like what i am feeling . I did get some good news yesterday . Of course we all worry about the future education of our children . I am worried about how I will send 4 children to college . But I was talking to Mrs . Erin Toler and she just nonchalantly said something about Hannah wanting to go to SNU and the fund that they have set up to help her and the rest of them . I asked her what she was talking about and she asked me if I knew that they had set up a fund for Matthew , Hannah , Isaac and Rachel . The person that set it up is Phil White . Isn 't that wonderful ! ! ! ! She said that all people have to do is send the money to Phil White for The Griffis Family and he would make sure it would go where it needs to go . She said that what more is that if one of them choose to not go to SNU , but somewhere else , that that money would follow them ! I couldn 't believe this had been done . Well , I made dinner tonight . I hate it . Just hate cooking . But , I knew I had to . It is in the oven Posted by I have about 30 minutes then I am off to see my attorney . But I wanted to get on here while I could just to let you know how things go . Monday was not a good day . I was talking to a very loving and sensitive co - worker . One who only wants to help . But ended up in our talking , making me cry . As I left the office , I was crying , holding back a sob . In the past , when I was upset , or needed a shoulder , I would go straight to John 's room and pull him out for assurance , love , whatever he knew I needed . As I was walking down the hall , I found myself , without thinking , heading towards his room . Then I realized . . . he wasn 't there . He would never be there . I started sobbing . I went straight to the office . I knew I had to get out of there because I was about to lost control of my emotions . I told Tammy I had to leave , she took one look and knew . I went to Jay and Marilyns and she met me at the door . . . . with arms opened wide . She just let me cry . I told them what had happened . And of course they understood . I stayed there for about 2 hours , and then returned to school . But it seemed that for the rest of the day I was on the verge . I missed him so much . Then Isaac had a game at Bridgecreek . Jay , Matthew and I went . Isaac played the best game he has played all season . I jokingly asked him , " Did you tell the coach , ' see what I can do when given the opportunity ' ? He laughed . But all I could think was how proud John would be of him . Something I would say of irony happened this weekend . I found out that Matthew is talking , and I do mean talking . . . . you know , , , , those talk into the wee hours of the morning , to one of John 's best friends daughter . I don 't know how they come to know each other . I don 't know if it is just a friendship relationship . I don 't even know if it means anything . But , as a mother , hoping her son finds " the right one " I can only hope , but then laugh at the irony of it all . Matthew being involved with John 's best friend ( in high school , and still loved him ) . I can see John smiling in Heaven now . Then , I have to tell mysePosted by Well here it is Sunday afternoon . I have made it that far and have not cried a whole lot . I cried a little in Sunday School when we talk about circumstances making us more like Him . How we don 't choose the circumstance , but it is there and we need to let Christ work in it to make us more like Him . That made me sad , in only that I did not choose this road , nor would I ever choose this road . . . ever . . . . but here I am . . . . and Dave is right . . . . it is making me more and more like Christ . I WANT that more than anything . I want to be in His perfect will , in his perfect presence , daily . To do that , I must live in this circumstance to fulfill His Purpose for me . I was moved again by Dave 's lesson . I believe that He has been anointed by God to give this lesson . I know , for one , I am ready and needing to hear it . I just want to take this minute to thank Coach Brown and all who purchased those sweatshirts . I didn 't know that that was going to happen until Coach Brown told me a few days before the announcement / presentation . We are so blessed . Thank you . So , I made it through church . Went to dinner at Jay and Marilyns . Again , feeling melancholy . Missing John being there . Then I began to think that next week was Jonathon 's birthday . . . . and we were celebrating it on Sunday . . . the 14th . I had to swallow a lump in my throat . I did ask him what he wanted . But all that kept going thru my mind was that that was Valentines Day . During Sunday School I kept thinking the same thing . I don 't know if I will be able to go to church / Sunday School next Sunday . Everyone will be celebrating . In Sunday School I know it will be mentioned . I just don 't know if I can do it . The pastor talked about next Sundays sermon , how it was on desire . . . . and it was Valentines Day . I just don 't know if I can handle that kind of talk . I really don 't know if I can handle Jonathon 's birthday party . In the back of my mind I know what day it will be . AND , I don have to do something for my kids . It makes me sick to think of that . Sick . I don 't know if I want to do anything for tPosted by Sorry it has been a while since I 've been on here . It seems I haven 't had time to sit down . My schedule is usually : get up at 5 : 30 have devotions , 6 : 15 wake Isaac ; back to devotions ; 6 : 30 wake the girls and get the dogs outside ; then start getting myself ready to be to work by 7 : 45 ; bring the dogs in , feed them and by then its time to leave . I am not doing very well with that right now . Barely made it by 8 the other day . But I just can 't see myself getting up any earlier than that ! ! ! Then my evenings . . . . well you all know . . . . basketball with Hannah , basketball with Isaac . Then I get home , get them in showers , do homework , pack lunches , then my eyes are starting to droop . By that time , I couldn 't blog if I wanted . Sometimes , if I am lucky , I would have time to sleep after school before the games . But I am usually doing laundry . But if I do get a nap . . . I can stay up until 10 : 30 or so . . . . then I could blog . But for now , I am doing it when I can . Things have been up and down lately . There was a Talent Show at the Middle School on Friday . Two sweet boys made a video . Everything was backwards in it . Everything they did was backwards . It was neat . They had a scene where they took legos laying all over . . . and in the backward action put them back on the lego board . . . and it was the letter G . Then at the end on the screen it said , " Dedicated to Mr Griffis " . I was so moved that the boys would remember Mr . Griffis . A lot of the time I look around at the kids and think , " Do they even remember the tragedy ? Do they remember the loss ? Have they just moved on and think of him as another teacher ? " These boys made me realize that not even the kids have forgotten him . I had a chance to thank and hug them personally . Teresa , I loved your analogy of the fog and the sun . I found it so true . That even when things seem so dark . . . He is there . In my devotions this morning , in the book , it says that He wants us to come to the point that even when we are in the darkness , he wants us to be content in just knowing His presence is there with us . SometPosted by Today has been kind of a strange day . I have had strange feelings all day . One minute sad , the next contented . God keeps telling through his word that He is always near me . So today , when my mind would start to think of the past , or the what ifs , or the future . . . . I would remember that He was near me . . . and that His word says : to think on those things which are true and pure and worthy of His Praise . And when I think on these things His Peace will be with me . I felt like I quoted that a lot today . I guess I felt like I was fighting a battle . Trying to remain focused on Christ , as He has asked me to , yet being pulled the other way . Thoughts of John making me sad , thoughts of the kids without him , thoughts of the future , the kids future , etc . . . , would be right there trying to make me take my focus off Christ . . When I got home from school I was exhausted . I don 't know if it was from battling all day or just a long first day back . But I was exhausted . I tried to get a little nap in but the kids all had something to tell me or share with me , so I stayed awake and listened . I went to Taco Bueno to get them something to eat . And it hit me . . . . how much John loved that place . I don 't know if I was too tired to fight the battle or what . . . but I gave into the feeling of not wanting to go on . Just giving up . Missing him so much . I think I made myself sick enough that I couldn 't eat a thing . But , as we were driving back home the music I listened to made me refocus my thoughts on Christ again . But , one question that I know the enemy is using against me over and over again is , " Will I ever be happy again ? I mean happy , like I was with John . Happy , content happy . ? ? ? ? " And I have to be honest and say I don 't know how I can be without him ! It seems impossible . Then the Lord comes to me and reminds me that for Him , nothing is impossible . It just seems that I am constantly battling for my mind and thoughts . It seems that I can 't stay focused . So , I have to concentrate on that to be sure that my mind is on the things of God . I just wish the ePosted by Woke up too late this morning too late for devotions . I was so disappointed ! My doctor gave me some new medicine to help me sleep . And sleep I did . I had been waking at 5 or 5 : 30 every morning so I would get up and have my devotions . But this morning I woke at 6 : 45 . Time enough to get Matthew up , go get gas in my car , pick Isaac up from a friends and get him to an 8 : 00 d : doctors appointment . But , it is amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your emotions . I feel more in control of them . I definitely feel stronger today . I feel more alert too . I am amazed at how God is working in Matthew 's heart . I know most of you might think I am being picky with his attitude , being closed up in his room , his angry outbursts . But the last few days I have seen the side of the old Matthew that I have missed . Jeff and Sallye were here to witness some of God 's handy work last night . He and I each had a prescription that needed to be picked up at the pharmacy last night . I forgot to go get them . It was about 9 : 30 maybe later and he had just went to bed . So I went in and asked him if he would mind running up to get them for me . He smiled , SMILED , and said , " Yes , but you can 't know how much I don 't want to do this ! " As he walked out of his room he was smiling at all three of us as we stood in the kitchen . He came back with it and even joked that they didn 't have any . A few weeks ago that would not have been like that . I wouldn 't even had bothered to ask because I know he would not have done it . God is working in his heart . I can see it . I think Matthew knows something is going on inside too , but can 't place a finger on it . Hannah is still hanging with her friends . She has been gone everyday that they have been off of school . Staying all night with her friends . I shouldn 't complain . They are perfect friends and I know that they will watch over her . I just want to make sure she is suppressing her feelings . She is sure happy though ! Isaac had his in grown toenail taken out this morning . He is doing okay . It was timed right because he doePosted by I slept well last night . Took a little meds to help . I was weary , but just restless , so I decided I needed something . If I don 't get enough sleep , John used to say , I have no control over my emotions and they totally take over because I can 't deal with them . So , I did sleep good . Woke around 5 , thought I may as well make use of the time so came out to have my quiet time . Yesterday was sooooo hard . Keli , you are so right . The sermon was so hard to listen to . But I was where God wanted me . He knew Who knows . . . maybe that is why we had church even though it was horrible out . . . . and I was determined to be there ! I would not let the enemy defeat me . It would have been easy to not go . Going by myself . Walking in 2 ft . of snow all the way into the building . . . and I might mention the ice I could have hurt myself on . I marched on . . . . I was destined to be there . My one wish for yesterday was that Matthew and Hannah would have been there . Hannah was actually planning to be there but had to work . Matthew , the one I think would have benefited most , didn 't come . I was sad . I do believe that there is a battle for Matthew 's soul right now . He seems a little irritable . But he tells me every Saturday night that he intends to go . . . . then he doesn 't . Pray for him . I believe he really needs to be in church . It did speak to me . I am okay . I am following God 's plan for grieving . Except in one area . Most of the time , I don 't feel like smiling . . . . I don 't ' want to laugh . But I feel like I have to because that is what people want to make me do , by what they might say or do . But , I am not putting on that mask anymore . You all know how hurt I am . I am not happy . You know it . Why should I fake it ? Sure there are times when I can giggle . . . . and really feel it inside . But generally speaking . . . I don 't feel it . Sallye , my God given Angel . . . . came over yesterday . We laugh together a lot . When she enters the house she never fails to hug me and tell me she loves me and may even chat a bit . But yesterday , I had text her and told her I was having a bad day . YesPosted by
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Bekah , you made me smile . You know he used to say that to our kids here too ! ! ! He was such a jokester . I am glad that he can still bring a smile to your face . And I hope he can in the years to come . Well , its been an up and down week for me . I told Sallye , it seems just when you feel like your making some headway . . . . . you find yourself falling . That happened to me several times this week . Course , you know about Rachel 's birthday . That was hard . So hard . It is hard to do things as a family when you don 't quite feel like a family . And I just can 't even think of what to buy Rachel . John always had such great ideas . I just have tomorrow ( Saturday ) and then I 'm out of luck . I miss him so much . And , let me just say before I say what I am about to say . . . . could be very embarrassing to me . But , you know , I 'm not embarrassed because I bring it to your attention because you are my prayer warriors . You are my friends that haven 't left me after 3 months because you have forgotten me , you are my hope . I was served with a summons to appear in court . Now , I can 't go into details . . . not because I don 't want to , but because I don 't understand it all . My attorney is working on it for me , but I am just beside myself . I pretty much cried all day today . In fact , one kid asked , " Mrs . Griffis are you okay ? " I said , " No , I have been crying . " He said , " Oh , I am sorry . It looked like you had a cold . But I am sorry you feel bad . " I wish I could tell you more so you would know how to pray . . . . but , I know you don 't have to know the particulars . . . . just that we need to pray for God 's intervention . Pray for the wisdom of my attorney . Pray for me . . . . that I will continue to give it to the Lord and not hold onto it . Isaac is doing so much better . He has his moments , but isn 't that every kid at his age ? He is being more amicable with me . More respectable . Working harder at school . I think I told you that we had the opportunity to talk about giving our hearts to Jesus . I believe he is trying to comprehend that . I still feel sad for him regarding sports . DaddyPosted by Another of those dreaded days . I know everyone says there has to be a first , but the firsts are the things I want to run from . Today is Rachel 's birthday . I almost think she is dreading it ! She would tell everyone what she wanted . . . naturally . . . but she would not plan a party . I put it off and put it off till I couldn 't anymore . finally , I asked her what she wanted to do , she didn 't know , then I asked her if she wanted to wait until next week to celebrate with her friends . All kinds of excuses and reasons for this I can come up with : she just doesn 't want to celebrate with out daddy , or the house . . . being under construction is a mess , I am still sleeping with her . . . . I don 't know . The last time she had a friend come over . . . the first since . . . . I slept on the couch and she came out and said she was sorry I had to sleep on the couch . So , just pray for my little Rach . It just seems that she has a lot on her little mind for as Young as she is . This weekend is the Middle School Banquet . She will be preforming in it . I hope you will get to see her . She is precious . I have shed many tears over my relationship with Isaac . We get along pretty well , until studying time or he wants something . Natural I know that is what most of you are saying . But this week was the last straw . I just cant take the anger between him and I . He can become so hateful . We were trying to study and he and I just argued . About what was to be studied . . . . etc . It ended in both of us in tears . One thing I have always been careful about is to never let any of my kids go to sleep angry or sad . . . that between us is nothing but good . But I couldn 't deal with him that night anymore . But , as I was walking by his bedroom , there stood Matthew talking . . . . brother to brother with him . I don 't know all that was said . . . . but I pray that my pain . . . . turns into their gain as far as brothers and closeness goes . Yesterday morning as Isaac was waiting for Gramps to come and get him for baseball practice he came in and sat down on the couch as I was reading my devotions . I closed my Posted by Wasn 't Jason 's message so wonderful yesterday ? I gained so much from that ! God , through Jason , reached into the depths of my soul and spoke to me . As my faithful readers you know Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me . I would rather stay in bed . But , I know that that isn 't what God wants , it wouldn 't be what John would want . . . and it definitely isn 't a good example for the kids . But , I was so glad that I went . Sunday School was just as awesome . I believe in my heart that God is speaking through Dave . I sense the spirit in him . He is spirit led . That is why I am so anxious to go to Sunday School to see what God has given Dave to teach me . . . . that I can be more like my Father . Well , my bedroom is almost finished . You can begin praying . The floor is in , and the paint done . The paint is beautiful ! Beautiful ! As I said before , some ladies from the school said that they wanted to redo my bedroom from bottom to top . I told them that as soon as it was painted they could . So , it is just a matter of getting hold of them . I love it ! I just send out thank yous and love to all the men that showed up and helped Jeff Saturday . Thanks so much for what you are doing for me and the kids . When I walked into the bedroom the first time after it was painted I couldn 't believe the calm that I felt . God was there . I still can 't sleep in there . It isn 't completely finished as I said . And , I am not sure I want to sleep in that queen bed by myself . Doesn 't that sound big for one person ? I am actually scared of being so lonely that I can 't sleep in there . So , if you know of anyone that has a full mattress . . . . I would love to hear from them . It just makes me feel better . . . I can 't explain it . My bathroom has the new floor in and the primer on the wall . It won 't be long till that is finished also . Then it is onto the boys bathroom . It really needs to be redone . It is kind of gross ! ! ! ! The kids are okay . Rach has been sick for the last 3 days . She stayed home from school today and I took her to the dr . No strep which is what I was worried about . Posted by Well , a new day dawns . Yesterday was hard . So hard . I think this was the first day where I just didn 't care that the kids saw me cry . I don 't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing . If I didn 't let them see me cry and hurt , I would have had to leave school . It was pretty much all day . I left home crying . I gave Matthew his letter from john , that I had found . Then had to leave . I didn 't really want to be there when he read it . I don 't know how he reacted when he read it , or how he felt . You know he doesn 't share much of his feeling with me . But I hope it encouraged him some , to know how much his dad loved him and believed in him . Then I got to school and still could not contain myself . I just cried . I shut myself in Mrs . Benda 's room before school started and just let it come . Bekki walked in unexpectedly and right away she empathized with me . Trying to comfort me . I think the reason it poured in there was because I had returned a book that she had got for John and I . . . . " His Needs , Her Needs " . . I returned it to her because I thought , " I will never need it , WE will never need it . It just killed me to think that . Then I went to Mrs . Adams room to teach for a little bit while she was gone for a while . I was still weak with tears , weak with strength . I got their attention ( all 6th graders ) and was honest with them . As I cried I told them that I was having a bad day and that I couldn 't talk or teach . And I told them that I was going to stay in there , but I was going to let the aid handle the class . She did a great job , the kids were awesome . They sat quietly , respecting my needs . Margaret Ann did come back and we went into her office and I shared with her what had happened , how I was feeling . She hugged me and held me . Just held me . As I left her room I was still crying . Yes , there were kids in the hall . Yes , they saw me crying . But I could not control the tears . Just could not . I went to my next assigned room , which Bekki was in . By then , I think the word had gotten around to the the teachers that it wasn 't a good dayPosted by Well its been 3 months since I lost the love of my life . My help mate . My best friend . And I am feeling the pain tremendously today . I woke with the " tear " in my heart today . It just seems to become bigger and bigger , heavier and heavier . I asked God how long , Lord , how long must i endure ? Again . . if it weren 't for my precious children he has given me . Yes , I am in the midst of that surprise tidal wave that I have heard so much about . How much longer Lord . He reminds me of all He has done . . . He reminds me He is carries me , but I hurt so badly it just wont go away . He is gone . As I said in the last blog , last night I was moving things from the bedroom so that they can come in and lay some flooring . So I began doing that as soon as I was out of school yesterday . You know . . . how we put things in nook and crannies . Well , I found some of John 's nook and crannies . And I cried . I found cards , meant for me . . . . unsigned . . . his stash as he would say it . I found cards to me from him . . . signed with such loving thoughts and such great love . I found poems written to me . Not many people know that John and I went through a difficult time in our marriage about last January . But , we renewed our love . It was as if we were newlyweds again . But , it took time . I found books that we had read together . Promises we had made to one another . Then I found the book that went with that movie . . . I can 't remember the name now . . . but it was a big christian movie about a marriage about to break up . . . . . and he found the Lord . . . . . Well , John 's mom bought that for us for our last anniversary . And we were reading it . It is still marked in the last page we read together . I ask again . . . not looking for an answer . . . because I know there isn 't one . . . but why ? I love him this day as I loved him the last day I saw him . I love him . This morning in devotions . . . . I want to share . . . . I know there is help in it . It has strengthened me . . . . though I am in tears . . . naturally . . . I find hope in these words . This is from the book " Jesus Calling " . You are feeling weighted down by a plethora Posted by Wow , I feel so put to shame . You have all been so faithful in reading my blog and I have let you down . Isaac has been sick , I didn 't feel good one evening . . . . . so I just haven 't had time to sit down and talk with you . You are my friends , and I feel like I have let you down . I will try to do better . Things have been alright here . Yesterday was not a good day . It is funny how I can see the Lord working but at the same time I see the enemy trying to defeat me . I woke yesterday with a longing for John . I missed him so much . But I did my devotions , and prayed about it , talked to God about it , and yep . . . . even read about it ! And I told Sallye that by the time I left my " prayer chair " I was calm , and peaceful . Then I went to school and someone said something to me that I know was meant for good , but just set me way back . . . . I mean way back . So that set the tone for my day . I was downcast . ( you know when I used to read that in the Psalms about David . . . . that he was downcast , I didn 't really know what he meant . . . . I do now ) . . . so I was sitting at lunch and I get a text from David . He tells me that from a hospital bill that was $ 160 , 000 , I only have to end up paying 417 . 50 . Praise the Lord ! That is something I was worried about . I told Sallye . . . when am I going to learn that God always goes ahead of my worries ! ! ! ! ! Then I came home and dreaded , just dreaded fixing dinner . . . . put in some premade macaroni dish . . . then the only one that ate with me . . . in the living room , was Matthew . I just felt like a looser of a mom . Defeated again . Then later in the evening Sallye and Jeff show up with flooring for the girls bathroom . We are going to change the back bathroom to the girls ( that includes me ) , and the front to the boys , since that is where our bedrooms are closer to . I was thrilled . Then they began to talk about flooring for the bedroom . It was a moment of mixed emotions for me . Rachel 's birthday is next week , I know she wants a sleepover , but when I asked her she said she didn 't know . Well , I know why . Her mom is sleeping with her ! And I cPosted by God is good . God is Great ! He is so faithful ! I think the things I was most worried about yesterday he just carried me right through . . . . . . . the first of course was church . Oh , how I dreaded going . But , it was very inspirational . Then I was worried even more about Sunday School . Being mostly married couples I was so afraid what would be talked about . It was talked a little bit at the beginning , and I teared up . . . just a little . . . but called on My Lord . . . . and he came to me and comforted me . Then , I was worried about going to my in - laws . While I knew that it was pretty much agreed by all that Valentines day would not be celebrated . . . it was all on our minds and in our hearts why it was not . We celebrated the life of Jonathon which helped the hurt a little easier to ! ! ! ! ! I have always hated being along since . . . . but it was okay . I took a little nap , watched a little tv , and talked to my sister in Illinois on the computer . As I crawled into bed last night I thought back over the day and that poem about God Carrying You in the sand and there are no footprints . I thought if my day could have a picture . . . that is what you would find . That you would see two sets of footprints going to church , one set at church , two coming home and going to Marilyn 's , one set at Marilyn 's , two coming home . . . . and one while I sat alone at the house . He carried me so much yesterday . I know it without a doubt . I had a Holy calm about me . I can 't explain it , except to say . . . . He was with me . Today was a good day . God was with me all day . I felt his presence and we even found time to talk with each other throughout the day at school . Because there are still times when I could sit and cry . . . but He picks me up and holds me , till I feel strong enough to go on again . This evening I did have a moment . I was sharing with Jeff and Sallye that both Jay and I have a very hard time when we drive into the driveway . See , John fell off the roof right in the corner between the house and the garage . That is what I saw when I rounded the corner that dreadful day . That is whaPosted by I am sure I will post tonight . But I just had to give God the glory for how I am feeling today . I know that a lot of you prayer for me . . . . your prayers were answered ! ! ! ! ! I woke with no sick feeling or dread in my heart . Showered , then came straight out and made blueberry hearts for each of the kids . . . . and even made the fifth one . . . . John 's . No one said anything , , but it made everything complete . I woke each of the kids with a " Happy Valentine 's Day ! Not saying that was easy though . They came to the kitchen and opened their cards . I didn 't know how they felt , but I had signed their cards , " mommy and daddy " . I 've decided that his love is still in their hearts . He is always with us . As they looked at their cards , each reading quietly , but none of them mentioned a word . I hope that I didn 't hurt any of them . But I want them to know that I believe he is still with us , in our hearts and memories , and we will acknowledge that . Matthew and Hannah , Sallye and Jeff sat together in church . I felt like a family sitting there . We share so much love between all of us . I was afraid of breaking down , just looking at the couples , but God sustained me . Then , when we went to Sunday School , that was probably the most fearful . But as we walked the fear back to the Lord and he carried me . It was so hard when Danny asked about gifts received . I almost cried then . But , I remembered what God had said . . . . " today was in his hands " . I still carry a hurt in my heart . It is there yes . But , I think God is helping me to learn to deal with my emotions better . . It is becoming easier to focus on the positive and not the negative . I am finding it so true though , that when I keep my focus on Him . . . . . . I don 't feel so much pain . It is only 12 : 08 . I have yet to go to Jay and Marlyn 's . We are not celebrating Valentine 's Day there . Instead we are celebrating Jonathon 's birthday . It will be a sad day . . . we all realize that . It will hurt so much not to have John at the table with us . On this special day . But , He will carry me . Marilyn and I had a good cry togetherPosted by Can 't sleep . Up alone . . . . of course . It 's killing me . Just killing me . I wasn 't going to school today . I just couldn 't deal with the whole valentine thing . Yesterday was hard . Thursday . I didn 't think I would make it through the day . Flowers . . . . . Just seeing someone get them killed me . I had to go cry for a while . Well , that set the tone for the day for me . Then , watching Hannah play basketball . . . wow . . . her daddy would have been so proud of her . It seemed my day was darkening yet even more when I had to be out on the floor celebrating what John should have been able to celebrate with her . That was something they dreamed together about . My heart broke for her . . . . and I yearned for him to be there with us . And . . . in the back of my mind . . . . v - day . I decided Thursday night that there was no way I was going to school on Friday . I knew the office would be filled with flowers to wives , husbands , even girlfriends . And . . . . I knew none of them had my name on them . I couldn 't do it . But , I got up and had devotions this morning . And it seemed everything that I read God was pushing me to go . I had to pray that God would carry me close to his HEART . Because I couldn 't do it alone . . but I knew he wanted me there . I obeyed . And . . . . in the back of my mind . . . . v - day . He did carry me . It was hard . My first tear came when a little girl named Macy . She was in John 's class last year . He fell in love with her as well as me . She has a sweet personality . . . . and you can tell she is so sensitive . She brought me a small gift bag with a gift in it . And also in it was the sweetest poem about how she loved to see me smile because it made her smile . I told her how sweet it was of her . . . that that may be the only gift I received this day . . . . and I was glad it was from her . And . . . in the back of my mind I am dreading . . . v - dayThen , as I was sitting in my last class , Karen brought in a small beautiful bouquet of flowers . Beautiful . At first I didn 't move . Never thinking they could be for me . But she said they were . The card was signed , " Your Angels that Love you " . I knPosted by This week has been a cloud for me . Ever since Monday . . . I just don 't feel anything . . . . numb might be the word . Going thru the actions . . . . Yesterday was a blah day . Isaac and I got into it first thing in the morning . He called me a name that is just not acceptable . It was over something so trivial . You know I made a promise to him a while ago that I would not yell at him . And I have kept that promise . Even this morning . But I can 't have him calling me that . It is so hard to discipline him when I KNOW he is still grieving and mourning John 's loss . Hannah played against OCS last night . It was a long drive ! ! ! They had half time shoot outs as a fund raiser for our family . It was so sweet of them and I really appreciate them for doing it . Lonely . . . I think that is what I feel . Today , I was just out of it . My mind was so gone . I mean , poor Mrs . Benda she would have to repeat things to me several times before I would get it . I just couldn 't focus . I know I am so worried about V day coming . But , I don 't think I am necessarily dwelling on it . I don 't know . . . I just don 't like what i am feeling . I did get some good news yesterday . Of course we all worry about the future education of our children . I am worried about how I will send 4 children to college . But I was talking to Mrs . Erin Toler and she just nonchalantly said something about Hannah wanting to go to SNU and the fund that they have set up to help her and the rest of them . I asked her what she was talking about and she asked me if I knew that they had set up a fund for Matthew , Hannah , Isaac and Rachel . The person that set it up is Phil White . Isn 't that wonderful ! ! ! ! She said that all people have to do is send the money to Phil White for The Griffis Family and he would make sure it would go where it needs to go . She said that what more is that if one of them choose to not go to SNU , but somewhere else , that that money would follow them ! I couldn 't believe this had been done . Well , I made dinner tonight . I hate it . Just hate cooking . But , I knew I had to . It is in the oven Posted by I have about 30 minutes then I am off to see my attorney . But I wanted to get on here while I could just to let you know how things go . Monday was not a good day . I was talking to a very loving and sensitive co - worker . One who only wants to help . But ended up in our talking , making me cry . As I left the office , I was crying , holding back a sob . In the past , when I was upset , or needed a shoulder , I would go straight to John 's room and pull him out for assurance , love , whatever he knew I needed . As I was walking down the hall , I found myself , without thinking , heading towards his room . Then I realized . . . he wasn 't there . He would never be there . I started sobbing . I went straight to the office . I knew I had to get out of there because I was about to lost control of my emotions . I told Tammy I had to leave , she took one look and knew . I went to Jay and Marilyns and she met me at the door . . . . with arms opened wide . She just let me cry . I told them what had happened . And of course they understood . I stayed there for about 2 hours , and then returned to school . But it seemed that for the rest of the day I was on the verge . I missed him so much . Then Isaac had a game at Bridgecreek . Jay , Matthew and I went . Isaac played the best game he has played all season . I jokingly asked him , " Did you tell the coach , ' see what I can do when given the opportunity ' ? He laughed . But all I could think was how proud John would be of him . Something I would say of irony happened this weekend . I found out that Matthew is talking , and I do mean talking . . . . you know , , , , those talk into the wee hours of the morning , to one of John 's best friends daughter . I don 't know how they come to know each other . I don 't know if it is just a friendship relationship . I don 't even know if it means anything . But , as a mother , hoping her son finds " the right one " I can only hope , but then laugh at the irony of it all . Matthew being involved with John 's best friend ( in high school , and still loved him ) . I can see John smiling in Heaven now . Then , I have to tell mysePosted by Well here it is Sunday afternoon . I have made it that far and have not cried a whole lot . I cried a little in Sunday School when we talk about circumstances making us more like Him . How we don 't choose the circumstance , but it is there and we need to let Christ work in it to make us more like Him . That made me sad , in only that I did not choose this road , nor would I ever choose this road . . . ever . . . . but here I am . . . . and Dave is right . . . . it is making me more and more like Christ . I WANT that more than anything . I want to be in His perfect will , in his perfect presence , daily . To do that , I must live in this circumstance to fulfill His Purpose for me . I was moved again by Dave 's lesson . I believe that He has been anointed by God to give this lesson . I know , for one , I am ready and needing to hear it . I just want to take this minute to thank Coach Brown and all who purchased those sweatshirts . I didn 't know that that was going to happen until Coach Brown told me a few days before the announcement / presentation . We are so blessed . Thank you . So , I made it through church . Went to dinner at Jay and Marilyns . Again , feeling melancholy . Missing John being there . Then I began to think that next week was Jonathon 's birthday . . . . and we were celebrating it on Sunday . . . the 14th . I had to swallow a lump in my throat . I did ask him what he wanted . But all that kept going thru my mind was that that was Valentines Day . During Sunday School I kept thinking the same thing . I don 't know if I will be able to go to church / Sunday School next Sunday . Everyone will be celebrating . In Sunday School I know it will be mentioned . I just don 't know if I can do it . The pastor talked about next Sundays sermon , how it was on desire . . . . and it was Valentines Day . I just don 't know if I can handle that kind of talk . I really don 't know if I can handle Jonathon 's birthday party . In the back of my mind I know what day it will be . AND , I don have to do something for my kids . It makes me sick to think of that . Sick . I don 't know if I want to do anything for tPosted by Sorry it has been a while since I 've been on here . It seems I haven 't had time to sit down . My schedule is usually : get up at 5 : 30 have devotions , 6 : 15 wake Isaac ; back to devotions ; 6 : 30 wake the girls and get the dogs outside ; then start getting myself ready to be to work by 7 : 45 ; bring the dogs in , feed them and by then its time to leave . I am not doing very well with that right now . Barely made it by 8 the other day . But I just can 't see myself getting up any earlier than that ! ! ! Then my evenings . . . . well you all know . . . . basketball with Hannah , basketball with Isaac . Then I get home , get them in showers , do homework , pack lunches , then my eyes are starting to droop . By that time , I couldn 't blog if I wanted . Sometimes , if I am lucky , I would have time to sleep after school before the games . But I am usually doing laundry . But if I do get a nap . . . I can stay up until 10 : 30 or so . . . . then I could blog . But for now , I am doing it when I can . Things have been up and down lately . There was a Talent Show at the Middle School on Friday . Two sweet boys made a video . Everything was backwards in it . Everything they did was backwards . It was neat . They had a scene where they took legos laying all over . . . and in the backward action put them back on the lego board . . . and it was the letter G . Then at the end on the screen it said , " Dedicated to Mr Griffis " . I was so moved that the boys would remember Mr . Griffis . A lot of the time I look around at the kids and think , " Do they even remember the tragedy ? Do they remember the loss ? Have they just moved on and think of him as another teacher ? " These boys made me realize that not even the kids have forgotten him . I had a chance to thank and hug them personally . Teresa , I loved your analogy of the fog and the sun . I found it so true . That even when things seem so dark . . . He is there . In my devotions this morning , in the book , it says that He wants us to come to the point that even when we are in the darkness , he wants us to be content in just knowing His presence is there with us . SometPosted by Today has been kind of a strange day . I have had strange feelings all day . One minute sad , the next contented . God keeps telling through his word that He is always near me . So today , when my mind would start to think of the past , or the what ifs , or the future . . . . I would remember that He was near me . . . and that His word says : to think on those things which are true and pure and worthy of His Praise . And when I think on these things His Peace will be with me . I felt like I quoted that a lot today . I guess I felt like I was fighting a battle . Trying to remain focused on Christ , as He has asked me to , yet being pulled the other way . Thoughts of John making me sad , thoughts of the kids without him , thoughts of the future , the kids future , etc . . . , would be right there trying to make me take my focus off Christ . . When I got home from school I was exhausted . I don 't know if it was from battling all day or just a long first day back . But I was exhausted . I tried to get a little nap in but the kids all had something to tell me or share with me , so I stayed awake and listened . I went to Taco Bueno to get them something to eat . And it hit me . . . . how much John loved that place . I don 't know if I was too tired to fight the battle or what . . . but I gave into the feeling of not wanting to go on . Just giving up . Missing him so much . I think I made myself sick enough that I couldn 't eat a thing . But , as we were driving back home the music I listened to made me refocus my thoughts on Christ again . But , one question that I know the enemy is using against me over and over again is , " Will I ever be happy again ? I mean happy , like I was with John . Happy , content happy . ? ? ? ? " And I have to be honest and say I don 't know how I can be without him ! It seems impossible . Then the Lord comes to me and reminds me that for Him , nothing is impossible . It just seems that I am constantly battling for my mind and thoughts . It seems that I can 't stay focused . So , I have to concentrate on that to be sure that my mind is on the things of God . I just wish the ePosted by Woke up too late this morning too late for devotions . I was so disappointed ! My doctor gave me some new medicine to help me sleep . And sleep I did . I had been waking at 5 or 5 : 30 every morning so I would get up and have my devotions . But this morning I woke at 6 : 45 . Time enough to get Matthew up , go get gas in my car , pick Isaac up from a friends and get him to an 8 : 00 d : doctors appointment . But , it is amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your emotions . I feel more in control of them . I definitely feel stronger today . I feel more alert too . I am amazed at how God is working in Matthew 's heart . I know most of you might think I am being picky with his attitude , being closed up in his room , his angry outbursts . But the last few days I have seen the side of the old Matthew that I have missed . Jeff and Sallye were here to witness some of God 's handy work last night . He and I each had a prescription that needed to be picked up at the pharmacy last night . I forgot to go get them . It was about 9 : 30 maybe later and he had just went to bed . So I went in and asked him if he would mind running up to get them for me . He smiled , SMILED , and said , " Yes , but you can 't know how much I don 't want to do this ! " As he walked out of his room he was smiling at all three of us as we stood in the kitchen . He came back with it and even joked that they didn 't have any . A few weeks ago that would not have been like that . I wouldn 't even had bothered to ask because I know he would not have done it . God is working in his heart . I can see it . I think Matthew knows something is going on inside too , but can 't place a finger on it . Hannah is still hanging with her friends . She has been gone everyday that they have been off of school . Staying all night with her friends . I shouldn 't complain . They are perfect friends and I know that they will watch over her . I just want to make sure she is suppressing her feelings . She is sure happy though ! Isaac had his in grown toenail taken out this morning . He is doing okay . It was timed right because he doePosted by I slept well last night . Took a little meds to help . I was weary , but just restless , so I decided I needed something . If I don 't get enough sleep , John used to say , I have no control over my emotions and they totally take over because I can 't deal with them . So , I did sleep good . Woke around 5 , thought I may as well make use of the time so came out to have my quiet time . Yesterday was sooooo hard . Keli , you are so right . The sermon was so hard to listen to . But I was where God wanted me . He knew Who knows . . . maybe that is why we had church even though it was horrible out . . . . and I was determined to be there ! I would not let the enemy defeat me . It would have been easy to not go . Going by myself . Walking in 2 ft . of snow all the way into the building . . . and I might mention the ice I could have hurt myself on . I marched on . . . . I was destined to be there . My one wish for yesterday was that Matthew and Hannah would have been there . Hannah was actually planning to be there but had to work . Matthew , the one I think would have benefited most , didn 't come . I was sad . I do believe that there is a battle for Matthew 's soul right now . He seems a little irritable . But he tells me every Saturday night that he intends to go . . . . then he doesn 't . Pray for him . I believe he really needs to be in church . It did speak to me . I am okay . I am following God 's plan for grieving . Except in one area . Most of the time , I don 't feel like smiling . . . . I don 't ' want to laugh . But I feel like I have to because that is what people want to make me do , by what they might say or do . But , I am not putting on that mask anymore . You all know how hurt I am . I am not happy . You know it . Why should I fake it ? Sure there are times when I can giggle . . . . and really feel it inside . But generally speaking . . . I don 't feel it . Sallye , my God given Angel . . . . came over yesterday . We laugh together a lot . When she enters the house she never fails to hug me and tell me she loves me and may even chat a bit . But yesterday , I had text her and told her I was having a bad day . YesPosted by
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The house pulls itself apart from the inside out , strips itself of its own meaning . It vomits pots and pans , flatscreen TVs and sport coats , books , tools from the garage ; bleeds family pictures and paintings by George 's father ; weeps folders filled with drawings from his children when they were small . In one great , shuddering spasm it frees itself of furniture , the bed on which he slept , the desk where he sat , the table where he and my young son had secret daytime ice cream , he breaking some internal rule of his with the same glee with which my son breaks his external rules . With a final shake , the last things are gone , odd plastic things from the kitchen , cleaning supplies from the pantry , frozen foods from the freezer . The house stands empty . Cleansed , debauched . Larger , smaller . Free , lost . Loved , resented . Hollow , alive . I go to the study downstairs , a square room with windows high up on two walls , a wall of books , a small table in the center , a room that felt crowded if occupied by more than two people . On the table the Canterbury Tales , Phaedra , Euripedes , Plato 's Republic in paperback with the cover curled open , a Gideon 's Holy Bible , Taming of the Shrew , an art book about impressionism , a stiff paper reading list for the classes he took at a local college , just for something to do in his retirement . I write down the title of every book on the table . I take a picture . Over the next week , the books will be shoved aside , stacked on top of one another , placed roughly back on shelves . The table will be strewn with newspaper articles , old photos , picture frames emptied by his daughters . The kids will stash their things in the room , clothes and sleeping bags snow - drifted in corners . Someone will break one of the carved stone chess pieces on the shelf . I will leave the house last , once it is done . I will put the picture frames back on shelves , the articles on the desk in his office , will glue the rook back together . I will clean the table with Windex and paper towels . I will put the books back on the table exactly where they were , will use the picture I took to make sure . There 's no pressing reason for me to do so ; the house will be sold , his things claimed , argued over , packed up , dispersed . Nonetheless , I put it all back the way he left it . He was not my father , his loss is not mine - three years ago I married his daughter in a small patch of grass beneath a scattering of soaring oak trees just outside the window of the study . I don 't know what to do with any of it . So I tend to his books . He told us often about the deal on Breyer 's ice cream at the local Safeway , so often that I tuned out after a while and now I can 't remember how much he paid for it . It was something like a two - for - one special , a real steal . Ice cream was his favorite and Breyer 's , in his opinion , was the best . The Breyer 's ice cream deal came regularly to the Safeway and so did he . One day he drove all the way to the store specifically for ice cream but left empty - handed because the deal was not on and Breyer 's was full price . The craving was no match for his disdain for bad business . I have no net worth at all and I would have just bought the ice cream . The driveway leads through a gate at the road and gently winds its way to the house . There are no geographical features necessitating the windiness of the drive ; it is done for aesthetics . You can 't see the house from the road . The trees protect it . So when you drive down the driveway , you come free of the woods , round a bend that clears a lone holly tree that obscures the view , and open into a space alongside the house that offers your first head - on view of the Chesapeake Bay spreading out before you , a deep , ancient , glittering green - blue vastness of water . Never once in my life have I seen an open expanse of water and not felt like it was my home . George spoke of money with frankness but without bragging , as if money carried neither social nor historical significance and were nothing more than a commodity to be negotiated like any other , which I 'm pretty sure is how he saw it . He spoke of a buy - two - cases - get - three - free deal on sodas with the same interest and alacrity with which he discussed buying an investment property or a new boat . He didn 't even drink soda . He told me that when he rounded the bend and cleared that holly tree and came face - to - face with the water for the first time , he told his realtor he would pay whatever they were asking for the place . It was the only time I ever heard him offer full price for anything . Between bay and woods , a wide , flat space of grass . Before our wedding , the photographer had Jenni and me lie on the grass and took pictures of us from above , pictures of us smiling at each other , holding hands . Just the two of us . And our son , who was a seven - week - old fetus at the time and only she and I knew it . We were already larger than just us at our wedding . Maybe that 's why we weren 't nervous - we had begun to move beyond a celebration of ourselves , already in the nascent stages of the falling away of the obsession of self that is being a parent . The wedding was lovely and felt like a memory even as it happened . Now that it is a memory , it feels like an afterthought and I recall very little of it . Which is why photographs are important . Jenni had this idea that we would return to the same spot on the grass every year , take a new picture in the same position , not just us but our children as they come , to show us as our family grows through time , as our children are born and grow , as we grow older . We never did it though . We never got around to it , were distracted by other things while we were out there on weekends , didn 't make time for it . We also didn 't plan on the house being gone to us . If we had the chance to take that picture on our fifth anniversary , there would be six of us . The boy , the girl , the twins who will be born three months before the anniversary . Yet the house has remained constant , large and wide but flat and low , hunched before trees that save it from gaudiness or ostentation . So unchanging , in fact , that I misremember which child was present for which event , who was alive , who was not yet born , misattribute quotes to a child who was no more than six months old at the time . A pregnant summer , lazing poolside in an anxious dreamy pre - baby idyll , and an exhausted new - baby summer , then pregnant again where we couldn 't sleep for fear the boy would find the pool without us , and another baby paired with a two - year - old when we had abandoned sleep and assigned sentry duty for the pool at all times . And the house felt always the same , a constant backdrop , a static reflection of change . George maintained the house with diligence and patience , not just the house but the landscaping , the trees , the driveway , and maybe that 's the primary reason that the house never seemed to fade . But there was something else about it that made it feel timeless . It fit the land so well , that was part of it . Granted , the house was a large manmade rectangular footprint plopped down in front of a bay carved by glaciers a million years ago , surrounded by old - growth trees older than this country . And the lawn was hardly native ; it was planted , mowed , fertilized , kept free of moles and pests . Yet it felt like it belonged , all of it , like it fit the world around it and not vice versa , as if it had coevolved with the land , the cedar - shingle roof its bark and the windows not an afternoon reflection of the water but the water itself , the house a late arrival in the natural order of things but not an unwelcome one . The bald eagles had taken up residence in the dead branches of an oak tree in a patch of woods off to one side of the house . The eagles ' dead tree was the only one not green and lush , and it stood slightly proud of its living cousins . The dead limbs shone white in bright sun and were easy to see . At first , we did what people who don 't spend much time around eagles do : tried to spot them , often , and often mistook ospreys for eagles . Visually , eagles do not disappoint . Like foxes , tigers , or alligators , eagles look exactly like their picture . They are large and the head is striking in its whiteness . George never looked for the eagles but he always stopped to watch when we spotted them . He said one eagle always took the same route early every morning . It looped over the woods behind the house then shot straight out , bisected the house , soared over pool , yard , dock , bay , until lost to sight over water . Then straight back , a short while later , cruising back over the house before looping back to nest . George insisted that it wasn 't out hunting or fishing , that it never came back with prey . He said it seemed like it was performing a daily survey of its territory . It makes no difference to an eagle , but a bald eagle 's lifestyle falls well short of the noble , majestic icon the Romans and , later , Americans found in it . Benjamin Franklin referred to it as a " rank coward , " a " bird of bad moral character . " Bald eagles are opportunistic , and opportunistic is difficult to paint as noble . They are adept fishers but will eat anything , depending on availability : fish , turtles , small mammals , other birds . Carrion . Garbage . I suppose Franklin 's contention has more to do with their tendency toward kleptoparasitism , an animal stealing prey from the animal that caught it . Effective , certainly , but hardly the stuff of majesty . Cohabitant with the eagles , the ospreys kept no regular schedule and worked constantly through the spring and summer . The Chesapeake Bay , like the osprey , thrives despite humanity , and osprey populations have exploded throughout the area . More than a few times we watched an osprey return with a fish in its talons but concede its catch to a marauding eagle . The eagles seemed to hide in the trees , waiting for the osprey to fly over land before they struck . The ospreys had work to do : build nests , raise chicks , tithe eagles . The ospreys waged a cold war with George over ownership of his boat , specifically the top of it . They sought to build a nest up there , and none of the contraptions George put out dissuaded them . Well aware that if he let them build a nest , by law he would have to leave it there , he took to yelling at them . Every time he saw them perched atop the boat , he stepped out on the deck and yelled until they flew off . The ospreys learned him , knew him . By early summer , all he had to do was open the side door and stand on the deck , not saying a word . Even from two hundred feet away , the ospreys recognized him . Like chided teenagers , they complained and wandered off . I saw the ospreys land on the boat once when George wasn 't home . I stepped out on the deck : nothing . They didn 't even look at me . I yelled . They didn 't budge . I had to walk out there to get them to leave , was almost within touching distance of the boat before they took off . I held no authority out there . I was neither eagle nor osprey nor George . I was just some guy watching , that 's how the ospreys saw me . I think that 's how George saw me , too . He told me once that the insurance business was the " job that no one wanted after college . " He had gotten into the business by accident , or by the absence of another path . He put himself through college in Florida , joined the Marines , got out of the Marines . He was a man of great charisma - " charming " was a descriptor I heard many times - and the insurance trade , like almost any trade if boiled down to its essence , comes down to sales and networking . The insurance business was a medium more than a passion , a platform from which he could grow and expand the way bacteria seek a warm , damp place to multiply without waxing sentimental about it . He opened his own business the year Jenni was born . I think about that sometimes while I 'm flailing away at my writing career . A new baby and a new business . I marvel at that , I , who can get maybe forty - five minutes of " career " into that sliver between when I 've put my kids to sleep and when I inadvertently put myself to sleep . I think about the dedication it must have taken , the sacrifices he made , about the distance he must have put between himself and his children . It is not possible to love a career and a family the same and with the same energy . Something has to be first , and something has to be second , and that thin lie busy parents like me tell ourselves - that we 're doing it all for them - is the first lie our children understand . A choice must be made , priorities delineated . George retired wealthy . His business a success . I think about that when I am away from my children for days on end , flailing away at my writing career . The boy was only two and did not know that there are those who would do him harm , did not know that there are permanent tantrums on the inside , falls from which one can no longer stand , scrapes that do not heal . George was retired and it was a nice day , his daughter and grandson had come to visit and he was happiest when busy . He pushed the wheelbarrow , the boy rode along , each adrift in the zen of their moment . The boy had a fondness for older men and would follow them anywhere . It started with my father who was also busy , also a putterer . When we had visited my parents in North Carolina a few weeks before , my father took the boy with him everywhere he went , ran errands , tinkered about in the basement , messed around with the backyard . The boy awoke each morning looking for him . He named him " Funpa , " a parapraxic amalgam of " grandpa " and " fun . " He followed him until I made him sleep . The boy named Jenni 's dad Bebop and followed him like Bebop was a continuation of my father . The precedent had been set and following one 's grandfather around all day was what one does , so he 'd pursued George to the garage as a matter of course and with no more forethought than the eagle in its morning flight . The difference between his two grandfathers was that Bebop would never initiate , would not think to scoop up the boy and incorporate him in his daily routine . He accommodated the boy , was charmed by him , but it was the boy that came to him and not the other way around . He was not a nurturer . He was a provider but not someone who would ever take the primary role in caring for another 's emotional needs . But then I saw him with the wheelbarrow and the way my boy smiled , and the way he smiled , kind of off to one side like the smile caught him by surprise and only half his face had warmed to it . Spend enough time elbow - deep in houses and you start to see them like exploded - view drawings . Roofing nail to shingle to underlayment to sheathing to truss . Outside knob to spindle through door to stem to inside knob . Footings to foundation to basement slab to framing to windows and doors to exterior siding to plumbing and HVAC rough - ins to roofing to electrical to drywall to paint to flooring . I knew his house better than he did . Of course , that 's not quite true . I knew the how , he knew the rest . He was neither afraid to spend money nor manage people . Paint didn 't peel , rot didn 't spread , dead plants didn 't stay . He replaced perfectly acceptable decking on either side of the upper level living room with two - inch teak boards that , he said , would outlast him . " I like to fix things so that I never have to worry about them again . " The teak was thick and solid , and teak almost never rots or warps . The deck was dead silent , didn 't move or creak even if jumped on , felt rooted to the ground and permanent the way everything in the house did . That house could have risen whole from stone , or grown out of the earth like the trees that surrounded it . The bedroom where Jenni and I stayed when we visited was tucked beneath the deck , windows peeking out from under it at the Chesapeake and the hardscaping around the pool . We were putting our son to bed one summer weekend when my brother texted from DC , an hour 's drive west of the Eastern Shore . " I don 't know what this thing is but it 's massive and headed your way . " A storm ? " Don 't know what they 're calling it but we just got our ass kicked . " A " super derecho . " A massive thunderstorm , but well - contained so that it strikes like an unseen punch or a rogue wave , quick , powerful , shocking . Gusts over 90 miles per hour . Instant hurricane . I heard it before I saw it , the bay unsettled and choppy , slapping against the dock . Derecho was a yawn at first , a high , aching sound , then it was alive far beyond any anthropomorphic or metaphorical sense , pushing me backwards , squeezing out my breath . Even with my back to it , I couldn 't find air . I retreated . There was a moment where I couldn 't get the sliding door open , where Derecho had pressed so hard against it that it wouldn 't budge . Above the storm I could hear limbs starting to crack , the splash of leaves on ground , sometimes dense , heavy thumps . I wondered if my best chance was to crawl around to the lee of the house and hope for the best . But I forced the door open , slammed it behind me . Derecho woke Jenni . Baby boy slept on , and Jenni wouldn 't wake him by stirring , but when I open the bedroom door she whispered , " Should we sleep somewhere else ? Are we safe here ? " It was not a lie . The deck was strong . She went back to sleep . Or back to quiet ; I couldn 't tell in the dark . I closed the door behind me , stood on the cold stone in the nameless room that opens out to the pool , stared out at Derecho as it wrapped the house inside itself . The gusts were of such strength that there was a light breeze coming from around three casement windows built into stone walls , even though each window was sealed tight . I considered what I knew about wood , how it comes together , how it comes apart . I remembered a time my friend snapped a two by four in half while trying , stupidly , to pry a stuck golf cart off a railroad tie that we had driven onto . I tried to guess how much a golf cart weighs . Two by fours are made of pine , as were at least some of the trees around the house being smashed around by Derecho . Teak is much stronger , much denser , than pine , although far less pliable . I tried to figure out how much pine it would take to punch through the deck . Through twelve inch deck joists , through plywood sheathing , through ceiling joists , through drywall , through me , through a comforter , through Jenni and my child . I didn 't even consider the hardwoods . If an oak came down , we wouldn 't stand a chance . The lot next to his was empty . It was not visible from his house ensconced in woods . Along the waterline , however , there was a small patch of grass that connected his yard to the lot . The bay started to chew away at the neighboring waterfront . George tried several times to get his neighbor to fix the erosion problem . It went unaddressed . So he planted half a dozen southern red cedar trees along the property line , closing the gap between the houses . The cedars were bushy , ugly things designed to grow fast and wide . They clashed horribly with the woods nearby ; their squat scrubbiness didn 't seem even remotely related to the lofty , slender oaks . The cedars were mostly out of sight of George 's house , only in plain sight when standing in the yard . His theory was that they would create an eyesore if his neighbor either built on the lot or tried to sell it . He also wouldn 't have to look at the damage he couldn 't persuade his neighbor to fix . The local homeowners ' association , nosy and insistent but without any legal authority , hassled him about the length and dimensions of the dock he intended to build . He had an unmitigated disdain for the homeowners ' association , for anyone who told him what to do with his property . The quarrel escalated . He had his lawyer figure out the state 's maximum allowable size , then he built an enormous dock , its length within a foot of the regulations . The dock had a boat lift , two additional boat slips , and mooring space for two more boats . He didn 't own a boat when he built the dock . When Jenni was in graduate school , she and her father travelled to the same wedding , unbeknownst to each other . " Did you come with your parents ? " he asked her , referring to Jenni 's mother and step - father . Jenni still thinks it 's strange , his dismissal of his own role as a parent . George never acknowledged it . He stopped paying for Jenni 's sister 's college tuition without warning while she was still in her junior year . He did it to spite Jenni 's mother . He felt slighted because she had not invited him to a performance at Jenni 's sister 's school . " Children aren 't worth it , " he later told her . He fired his own son . His son was working for him at his insurance company and had missed a lot of time to tend to his children who were sick a lot that year . He didn 't even fire his son himself . He had a subordinate do it . He left his first wife , Jenni 's mother , for his secretary , with whom he was having an affair . She was twenty years younger than him . He ended the marriage on a cruise ship , told Jenni 's mother about the affair four days into a week - long cruise . She cried the rest of the trip . Once ashore , he initiated divorce proceedings and froze all their shared bank accounts . I admit that I hide from Jenni 's pain sometimes . Most of the time I am who I should be to her , but there are times when I hide . Change the subject , start a stupid argument over a nonsense issue . It 's the scale of her grief that I can 't handle . Her grief is permafrost ; deep , unworkable , and underneath everything . Massive and almost impossible to see without digging . I am the person with whom she allows herself to not be calm so I see everything , see where it lies , see its shapelessness . She is attuned to what she is feeling , to why . She is a psychologist and knows the grief too well . When she speaks of it , it comes out clean and not shapeless at all . But she is cursed with her own knowledge , and there 's a reason surgeons don 't operate on themselves . When she doesn 't speak of it , that 's when I can feel it cold and stiff beneath my feet . I 've never been good at watching other people hurt . Sometimes I hide . I am supposed to be the antithesis to a series of longterm boyfriends who were insincere or disloyal or cowardly . I 'm none of those things . But I wonder sometimes if I am only a more evolved and fully realized version of my predecessors . A prototype that has shed the obvious and silly and detectable problems like infidelity and fear of commitment in favor of more insidious problems like emotional selfishness and intractable defensiveness . Parts of me might be malignant distillations of the worst parts of her father that flew under Jenni 's radar , and I don 't think I have any of his strengths . He was no snob . He had made money , and he didn 't seem all that concerned about those who had not , but he was no snob . Status was not his driving force . He could afford the things he liked , the objects he wanted , but nothing he owned seemed to be for the purpose of impressing others . His car , his clothes , his furniture , all of it nice , none of it fancy to the point of inutility . Before he bought the house , he lived in a small condo in a nearby town , working , saving , planning . Waiting . For decades . Waiting . He was no snob . When I started dating his daughter , I was scraping by as a contractor , not much more than a handyman , really . I was in the midst of a divorce , deep in the red , little in the way of prospects . I was wary of him , of the way the well - off tend to wear blinders and simplify the world , boil it down into a tragically flawed theory of hard work . He showed me his house , walked me through it room by room , showed me where he 'd had a porch converted into an enclosed addition in the basement , the deck he 'd recently had replaced on the top floor . He stopped short of asking me questions : any expertise I held was of no interest to him . He had his own contractors . But he kept using these phrases as he explained his house to me , " you 'll recognize this " or " you 'll appreciate this , in your line of work " or " as you 'd well know . " He had mistaken me for an entrepreneur . There was a certain condescension to it , to be sure : you 've done as well as you can , within your capabilities . I 've done as well as I can , within my capabilities . Compare and contrast . But there was an unapologetic earnestness to the way he spoke to me that I marked as respect , even if it came out sideways . I would learn over time that that tenacity of self was the single trait he seemed to admire most in people , that willingness for an individual to follow their own lead , to draw a circle around one 's talents and assets and strengths and go forth with only those things circled . My X and his Y met at this critical junction : neither of us were impressed in the slightest by those born with money . He wanted people to know he was successful . He relished , openly , rubbing elbows with those he found impressive or admirable in some way . He was not immune to flattery . But he was no snob , and he could have been , and I remind myself of that every day . Morning came without apology . The power was out . The rich , soft smell of freshly opened wood drifted in still air . A spruce tree out front was exploded mid - way up its height as if struck by artillery , the broken trunk flayed open , the tree green and fragrant , numb to its own mortal wound . In the back , two dead birds , flung by Derecho into glass . One lie in front of the sliding door I had struggled to open . We were not all fine . He looked from me to the bird , at the stick - legs and the curled - up feet , the semi - gloss black eye . He looked back at me . He was not upset but he did not understand , I could see it in the way he squinted one eye , the way he looked at me like he was concentrating on one eyeball and then the other , in sequence , as if one might have access to information unknown to the other . As far as I know , it was the first death he 'd seen . It was certainly the first time I had to try to explain it . I wanted to make him understand it but I didn 't know where to start . It is a trapdoor to an empty infinite place and I can 't even describe the trapdoor itself . I held his hand , picked up the bird by a leg in the other hand . We walked to the treeline . I chucked it into the woods . He moved on to other things , had already forgotten the bird by the time he turned around , at least as far as I could tell . But we don 't know what stays . It was the weekend after Thanksgiving and we were a large party so we were seated at a downstairs table in the back of the restaurant , a small section encased in windows looking out at the boats in the marina . Jenni 's sister was in town with her family , as was George and his partner and her son and daughter - in - law . George and his partner were to leave for Florida the next day where they would stay through the holidays , so he was treating all of us to lunch before they left . One last chance to see everybody . Afterwards , we went outside to take a group picture . The seawalls were low and did not have railings . My daughter was not yet one , but mobile enough that she worried us . The wind coming off the bay was stiff and her nose had turned red . The rest of the group lingered outside ; I took her in to warm up and keep her safe . She was fussy so I sat with her , bounced her on my knee , tried to distract her . George came in on his way to the bathroom . He saw the girl , smiled at her . His smile drifted to me and stayed for a moment . " You 're a good dad , " he said . He winked , continued on his way . Aside from a few pleasantries before we left , it was the last thing he said to me . In the moment , I appreciated that he said it but it didn 't mean much beyond something nice someone said in passing . Not negligible but quiet in my mind , something not likely remembered over time without context . Now that the moment has found its grim context , I remember it like it was seconds before his death , like he said it and turned and faded to nothing . Now it echoes like a last note in an empty high - ceilinged room . In Florida , the day after Christmas , they wake , eat breakfast , have sex . His partner goes to lie in the hammock out back for a while , he goes to the bedroom to take a nap . When she comes in , his face is purple and he is gurgling . Months before , I sat at his kitchen table and he stood at the counter making tea for us and he told me it wouldn 't be his heart . " It 'll have to be cancer or something , but it won 't be my heart . " He ran his hand over his throat , one side then the other . He 'd had an arterial scan of the arteries in his neck and chest , a preventive method of predicting stroke and heart attack risk . It came back clear . Not a bit of buildup , no plaque , nothing . He sounded so self - assured . I envied his hubris , his ability not so much to stare down sudden death but to dismiss it so casually , reduce it to a statistically improbable outlier . It is his heart . An unlikely collusion of physics and chemistry : blood pressure meds , Viagra , Cialis , testosterone replacements , sexual activity . The risks a man might take if he doesn 't consider death a plausible outcome . Vessels restrict , heart swells and stops . In North Carolina , we are in the backyard of my parents ' house and I miss two calls : one from Jenni 's mom , the other from her sister . Neither of them ever call me . When I check my phone I know what it is but I don 't know who : aunt , granny , cousin , step - dad . I don 't even consider George . He was so sure . Jenni goes inside to call and I look at my children as they play around me , check them off one then the other , once , twice . It 's irrational but I have to make sure it 's not them . Enter through the front door . A few steps to the upper level , a few steps to the lower level . Head for the upper level . If you look up while you 're climbing the stairs , you only see water through the living room . No grass , no pool . Just the bay beyond floor - to - ceiling glass . It 's like seeing the ocean from inside a stateroom . Move through the living room . Stop at the chairs set before the windows . To your left , a sideboard with my picture on it . Next to it , a bronze statue of an eagle banking hard to its right . He is three . He is awake and aware , but we don 't tell him . " We 're going to Bebop 's but Bebop won 't be there . " That 's what we say , the first few times we go back . If he were a year older or a year younger , it wouldn 't matter . At two , he wouldn 't understand , would be too young for it to mean anything . At four , we could at least explain the idea to the best of our own understanding . But he is three and caught between and doesn 't know what it means . It can only upset him , over and over , new each time because he is too young to understand permanence . At the funeral , they had put a blown - up photo of George mounted on posterboard on a stand next to the coffin . It 's just him in a suit and tie , smiling in a business - card kind of way , around the same age as he was at our wedding . Afterwards , someone took it back to the house , put it on the sideboard , propped against the eagle . The picture was unframed and too big for the table , clashed with the framed picture next to it . It was out of place and conspicuous , but no one knew what to do with it so it stayed . The boy passes the picture one day and stops . He 's seen it many times before . I 'd never seem him pay any attention to it . This time , however , he stops . He stares at it for a while . I watch him . Strange , that I don 't remember much about the last time I saw it . As with all things , the quotidian makes sharp edges round , and I suppose I thought I would have other business there before it sold , a running toilet to fix , a leaky showerhead to check , storm - fallen trees to remove . But at some point I didn 't go back , was gone when the movers came , when Jenni met her brother there to take care of the last small things of a person . For all our bluster to the contrary , life isn 't literature and we aren 't owed a satisfying conclusion . There 's no denouement when the last person belonging to a house dies . It just ends . I didn 't love him . It 's not what was asked of me , not something either of us required of the other . Neither he nor I had much use for approval . We never fought , never raised our voices to each other , never dug ourselves into an argument from which we could not escape , even though we probably would have disagreed on a lot of topics . We were unfailingly cordial to each other , in the way that people who spend a fair amount of time in close proximity to someone with whom they aren 't close tend to be . But we never had a conversation stretch deep into the night , never drank a few too many beers together , and I don 't think either of us ever felt we were the worse for not having done so . I don 't have any specific memories of he and I in his study . It was a quiet room , kind of out of the way of the rest of the house , and that 's why it was my favorite . When I was in there , he usually just left me alone . I do remember my brothers and closest friends making the room small , just before my wedding , my brother and a friend playing chess , red plastic cups and the smell of bourbon . But George wasn 't there , was elsewhere in his house , he with his people and I with mine . Yet I felt closest to him in that room , before he died and certainly afterwards . On the shelves , great works of literature , towering names of fiction , philosophy , science , art . A history of thought in a single room . But he was neither a scholar nor an intellectual , and never claimed to be . He had a savvy business mind and was adept at getting people to like him . His grasp of literature and philosophy , however , was facile at best . He took the classes , just for fun , and he read books , and he did his best . I 've spent so much of my life reaching for things just beyond my grasp , stretching , straining , fighting , barely hanging on to what I have , and sometimes failing to do so , in the pursuit of the abstract : success , wealth , peace , contentment . George had all those things , earned them and knew he 'd earned them and wasted no time on what he didn 't have , what others might feel he lacked . He was perhaps the least tortured human being I 've ever met . He never fell prey to the soul - dragging , productivity - killing self - flagellation of excessive introspection or self - loathing . He traded in neither rage nor depression , spent his paltry allotment of days achieving not striving , working not wanting . For him , the unattainable was exactly what it claimed to be , and he allowed himself to be unbothered by that . His reach and his grasp were both extensive but of exactly the same measure . " Not everyone had it as good as I did . It 's been a great ride , " on a handwritten note attached to his will in his office . The study , the home to all those lovely books , was perhaps the one place where he came up a little short , where he tried for something he couldn 't quite get . His small struggle and my multitude of struggles reverberate together in that place , echo through time and death , pulse now within me . I don 't know if he was aware of it , or cared about it , or even if I do , but the study is the place where he and I were closest , where he best understood the person his daughter married . Without him , the cedars have not fared well . The wind comes off the bay cold and hard and some trees lay flat on frozen ground , others lean . All have been damaged by rutting deer . I work with what I can find . I shape some offcut wood into stakes with a hatchet I find in the garage . I hammer the stakes with the butt of a splitting axe . I tie the trees with paracord from some forgotten drawer in the utility room . It 's not perfect and I know the wind is stronger than I am , but it gives the ugly trees a chance . I don 't know why I do it . I have no beef with his neighbor or with him . They are both wrong in their own way , as are we all . Yet I drive the stakes , do the work . Maybe it 's just something to do . Or maybe performing the pointless task keeps at bay this idea that all tasks are , eventually , pointless . It 's cold and I didn 't bring gloves , and the house is warm . But the inside of the house oscillates between near - frantic preparation and a punch - stunted stillness like that confused second right after you 've been hit hard and don 't know if you 're still awake . My ears are numb and my hands hurt every time I swing the axe or pull on the rope , but at least the wind is consistent and I feel better in the cold , better out there alone . Maybe it just feels better to hurt for a while in a way that I understand . Some books make you want to write . Other books make you want to read - either things by the same author , or things on the same topic . Those … As on the last several Saturday afternoons , Brian Ward , a 56 - year - old illustrator of considerable local renown , was counseling his friend on how to preserve his marriage . The effort , as always , was hopeless . Ward 's friend , the hedge fund …
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Introduction : Mikael just lost his wife to cancer , leaving his and his daughters world torn apart . As the title says , this is just a PROLOGUE to this new series . This was originally supposed to be part 1 but as I started to write it , I realized it was focusing more about the build up to the actual story rather than the story itself . So I decided to release this as a separate story , and have the story kick off where I wanted it to in part 1 . There isn 't much to get you turned on here , so don 't get mad , I warned you . I hope you give this series a chance though , because the next installments will have a lot more action . If you 've read my Nick and Allie stories , you 'll know that I focus a lot on plot , and I want to make this series more of a turn - on series . Anyways , I 'm rambling . Votes and comments are always appreciated . If you want to send me an email , I 'm always more than happy to receive them : onenineninethreeasstr @ gmail . com Like they say , feedback is the only payment sex story writers get . If you want to check out some of my other stories , they can all be found on my profile . http : / / stories . xnxx . com / profile618345 / OneNineNineThree Thanks for reading ! Mikael , a 35 year old man , witnessed his wife lose her fight with cancer last week . She had been battling it for the better half of a year . Those 8 months were the worst of Mikael 's life . The worst part was having to explain to his 8 year old daughter that her mom was never going to be the same . When she was first diagnosed the doctor said it would be a miracle if she lived past 3 months . Not much of a miracle . They had the funeral ceremony two days ago . All of her friends , family and coworkers were there . Mikael cried himself to sleep before the funeral , but he managed to keep calm during the event . Jamie , his daughter , bawled like a baby at the start of it , clinching onto Mikael for dear life . It was the worst day of Mikael 's life , and he knew it was the worst day of Jamie 's life too . It didn 't help that Michelle 's family hated his guts . Mikael was never able to get along with any of them . He married Michelle when they were both 19 , rebelling against Michelle 's parents ' wishes . Michelle didn 't talk to her parents for about 3 years , and after they made up , their relationship was shaky . When Jamie was born , her parents barely gave 2 shits . They visited her in the hospital and had them over for a few holidays over the years but as far as Mikael was concerned , Jamie had no grandparents . Mikael didn 't know his parents either . His mom 's first husband died in the war . She went into a depression for a little while and started using drugs heavily . It was the 70 's , everyone partied . Her drugs led to orgies and that led to a pregnancy . She had no idea who the father was , the night she got pregnant , she took countless loads in all her holes , and it could have been anyone at the party . It could have even been the 16 year old kid . Her first thought was to have an abortion but her friends talked her out of it . They told her giving the kid away to an orphanage was a much better idea . So that 's what happened , Mikael was born and given away on the same night . The only reason Mikael knew all this was because when he was 25 , Michelle convinced him to try and track down his parents . He met up with his mom and after a few hours , knew the whole story . That was more or less , the only time he talked to her in person . Michelle was everything . She was the only person in the world that could make him happy any time anywhere , no matter what . Now she was gone . The only reminder he had of her was his daughter Jamie . Mikael was a police officer , and had been for the past 15 years . When he and Michelle got married , he was in the academy still in school . Once he graduated , Michelle couldn 't be happier . They moved into a bigger apartment and started their life . Michelle wanted to have a kid almost right away but Mikael wanted to travel a bit , experience more things in life than just settling down and having a kid . Michelle , being the supportive amazing wife she was , agreed that they were too young for that kind of responsibility anyways . Michelle got her diploma in Chemical Engineering soon afterwards and with a nice amount of money in their bank account , the two started travelling a bit . They went to Australia , Europe , South America ; it was some of the best times of Mikael 's life . Michelle knew everything about her husband and Mikael knew everything about his wife , or so at least it appeared that way . Mikael was hiding one thing from his wife , one very dark secret that he was sure to never let Michelle find out . He didn 't like the word pedophile , but he fit the definition of it to a degree . He was attracted to preteen girls . When they travelled to Brazil , Mikael did something he would come to regret a thousand times . He cheated on his wife . They were young , Mikael was only 21 and well shit happens . Michelle was asleep in their hotel and Mikael wanted to go out and walk around the streets of Brazil a bit , since he wasn 't tired . He ended up on a bad street , with hookers and prostitutes approaching him every step of the way . Being the nice guy he is , Mikael kindly turned them all down . It wasn 't until he saw one girl that he stopped in his tracks . She must 've been 12 years old but had the greatest little ass he had ever seen . She was wearing a cute skirt that barely covered her crotch and a top that exposed her budding breastApparently she was with her sister because one of the girls that had asked Mikael if he was interested came up to him and told him . She told him the price and Mikael was very puzzled about what to do . He wanted to say no , he wanted to run away back to his safe warm bed beside Michelle , but he couldn 't . Seeing the girl had released a demon inside him and the only way to tame him was to give him what he wanted . Right now the demon wanted the little girl around his dick . The older prostitute told him the price and before Mikael could stop himself , he was walking behind the two sisters towards one of the motels Michelle and Mikael had seen when they first came . When they got to the motel , Mikael paid the sister and she led them into one of the bedrooms . The little girl didn 't speak English and her sister only knew a few words that were relevant to her profession . Mikael was so scared while getting stripped by the older girl , watching the 12 year old laying on the bed , teasing her pussy , guilt and nervousness going through him . She had her skirt hiked up , she wore no panties and Mikael couldn 't take his eyes off her . She had dark black hair that only went to her shoulders , and that same black hair could be seen on her pubes . Her dark skin made her look simply gorgeous but what made Mikael 's dick leak pre cum into his boxers was when she turned onto her hands and knees and wiggled her Brazilian ass at him . If you were to just look at her ass , you would swear the girl was at least 17 or 18 but everything else about the girl had the features of a little girl . When Mikael thought back on that night now , it was like a fog went over him . He remembered getting completely naked and walking over to the bed where the girl waited in the doggy style position . He remembered penetrating her for the first time and fucking her for a few moments but after that , he drew a blank . Fleeting images of him cumming on the girls face , than walking back to his hotel in shame was all he remembered past that first penetration . It was verThe demon inside him that woke up that night in Brazil didn 't go away over the years . He never fucked or touched another girl but he did fantasize about it . When he turned 24 , a new man joined his police force , Jack . They clicked instantly , and Mikael took Michelle to Jack 's barbeques quite a few times . Jack was a great guy , recently divorced , no kids . When they first met , what Mikael didn 't know was that Jack had the same demon inside him too . It was about 6 months after Jack started working with Mikael that Jack opened up to him . They were out for a drink in a bar and with the beers flowing , Mikael decided to ask about Jack 's divorce . Jack was only a few years older than Mikael , 27 to be exact , and Mikael was curious as to why his marriage failed . He could never see himself leaving Michelle . Jack opened up about how he had fights with his wife all the time but what ultimately broke them apart was that she wanted kids and he didn 't . This scared Mikael , Michelle wanted kids but he didn 't want any , at least not for a few more years . Mikael asked why Jack didn 't want kids and Jack started hesitating , trying to change the subject subtly by pretending to care about the football game on the TV . They had become close friends and after a few more beers , Mikael was able to get Jack to open up . Jack tried beating around the bush as long as possible , saying how he had this weird obsession with 18 year old girls , that slowly turned into high school girls , which then became 13 year old girls . Mikael was in utter shock . Jack then started to get scared , they were cops after all . He begged Mikael not to tell anyone before taking off . Over the next few weeks , Mikael did his best to get more information out of Jack but Jack refused to talk about it . Mikael knew there was only one way to get Jack to open up to him . It was nice to know that there was someone that shared his sick obsession with him and Mikael decided it was time to come clean as well . Mikael told Jack that he wasn 't disgusted by Jack and that he didn 't judge him for what he liked . Mikael didn 't tell him about Brazil , that was something he was gonna take to the grave but he told him that he fantasized about the same stuff . Mikael told him that he jerked off to porn sometimes , not actual child porn since Mikael had never gone onto any of those sites , being a cop and all , but he did have a folder full of pictures of girls that looked clearly under 18 . He got the pictures from totally legit and legal sites , and wondered how they were even posted without getting taken down . Most did get taken down , but that 1 or 2 day period between getting posted and getting taken down was when Mikael saved them to his computer . Jack was stunned but glad that someone finally understood him . Jack told him that was the reason he never wanted kids . He didn 't trust himself enough not to act on his urges , especially when his daughter got older and started being more provocative . When he told his wife about his desires , she instantly filed for divorce , calling him a pedophile . Jack had his own personal collection on his laptop which he jerked off too late at night when his wife had gone to bed . Just like Mikael , he had pictures of 13 , 14 , and 15 year old girls he had maAs the years went by , Jack and Mikael continued not to bring up the topic besides a conversation here or there while at the bar . Jack started to date and had a pretty serious relationship for a while but never got remarried . Meanwhile , Mikael finally felt ready to have kids and when he told Michelle she jumped on him hugging him like it was the first time she saw him . When Mikael was 27 , he and Michelle finally had a baby , Jamie . Unlike Jack , Mikael wasn 't scared on acting on his urges ; he wasn 't attracted to girls that young , he liked the ones approaching their teen years . Jamie grew older and Mikael started to jerk off less and less to his secret stash of porn . He was a father now , with more responsibilities , he couldn 't act like a 21 year old anymore . Jack got transferred to another department shortly after and Mikael started seeing less of him . He would still get invited to his barbeques and parties , where they would catch up , but they weren 't close friends . Jack and his girlfriend of 2 years broke up and Jack stayed single for a long time after that . Even though he would never admit it , Mikael figured that he was planning to propose sometime soon . As Jamie started growing older , Mikael didn 't like bringing Michelle and Jamie around Jack . This was because of the company picnic one day in the summer , just months before Michelle got diagnosed . Mikael , Michelle and Jamie were at the picnic as well as Jack . The other cops that Mikael worked with were there too and most of them brought their families . Everything was fine , Mikael was talking to Jack while Michelle was standing far away not to hear her husband talking . She was having a conversation with one of the other wives . Mikael and Jack were doing their usual thing , catching each other up on the other 's life . At one point , Jamie ran up to her dad and asked him for some money to buy some random crap , and Mikael gave her a few dollars . She hugged him around the waist , her face on his stomach and then ran off . As she ran off , Mikael looked at Jack andIf Mikael didn 't want Michelle and Jamie around Jack anymore , his wish soon came true when Michelle got diagnosed with cancer . She was in very bad condition for most of her remaining months and Mikael didn 't feel like going to stupid parties with his wife slowly dying in the hospital . At first , Jamie didn 't understand what was happening to her mom but as the months went on , Jamie became more aware of the situation . She had never thought of death before then and now she was watching her mother slowly dying . Weeks before Michelle passed away , Mikael didn 't let Jamie into the hospital room to see her . Michelle was no longer herself , she looked like a skeleton at this point and even though Mikael didn 't want to admit it to himself , she scared even him now . He could only imagine what it would do to Jamie to see her mom like that . Near the end of her time , Mikael spent almost every night after work beside Michelle in her hospital bed . One of his coworkers agreed to take care of Jamie . She was a nice lady and Mikael was very grateful for what she did . The day Michelle passed away came like a huge kick to the throat . After a while , Mikael thought he would be ready for it , but he was wrong . It was around 2 am and Mikael was asleep in the chair beside Michelle 's bed when he got woken by her voice . As soon as he woke up he knew something was wrong , Michelle had a tear going down her left cheek , her head turned towards him . Mikael had to fight back his tears , which wasn 't unusual nowadays . He reached out and took Michelle 's hand . " You 're an amazing husband and father , Mikael . " Mikael weakly smiled and kissed his wife 's hand . " Jamie is lucky to have you . " " She has the best mother in the world . You 're the reason I 'm a good father . " Michelle smiled but it was barely noticeable . She looked gone . " I love you Mikael . " Mikael couldn 't take it , he felt his eyes burn , a tear fall down his cheek . He held Michelle 's hand to his lips for a long time . " You gave me an amazing life . You gave meMikael got up and kissed Michelle 's forehead , burning tears rolling down his cheeks . He sat back down , and felt his wife 's hand tighten around his own . They both knew these were her last moments . Michelle seemed ready for it , Mikael didn 't . " I love you . " " I love you too , I love you so much . " Michelle took a deep breath , her eyes went from Mikael 's and focused on the moon behind him . After a few moments , she looked back at her husband 's tear filled eyes . Michelle 's grip started to become weaker again , she took a deep breath again . Mikael was doing everything not to breakdown right there in front of her . His entire body was shaking , Michelle could feel it . Her grip was barely even a grip anymore , if Mikael wasn 't holding her hand , it would hang off the bed . She looked scared for a second and than happy . She closed her eyes , her hand now not holding onto Mikael 's at all . Mikael knew the worst had happen . He looked up at the machines beside the bed . The monitor showing her heartbeat was now just a straight line . She was dead . Mikael 's ears started to ring , he felt like he was gonna be sick , like he would faint . " Michelle . " He whispered . He didn 't hear himself but he felt his lips move . He kept looking at his wife , his vision doing weird things . His heart was pounding against his chest , he felt fire on his face and realized it was his tears , which were now streaming down . He kept looking at his wife , like how he used to watch her sleep . She was sleeping , that 's all , she just passed out , Mikael tried convincing himself . " MICHELLE ! " Mikael yelled now , he screamed , shook her by the arm , but of course , it was no use . He screamed again and this time , he heard it . It didn 't sound right though , it was like he heard it through a wall . The nurses had heard his screams and they ran into the room . They instantly stopped when they got inside , knowing it was over , knowing it was too late . Mikael was bawling , he was shaking from head to toe . " DO SOMETHING ! " One of the nurses started to cry softly . The main nurse , just looked at Mikael , sadness painted across her face . Mikael looked back at her , he knew there was nothing they could do . All this time he thought he would be ready for this moment , but he was far from it . Mikael didn Mikael woke up on the third day after burying his wife and the wound was still as fresh as the moment it happened . He aid in bed for a long time , not having the will to get up . Whe he turned over and looked at his wife 's side , all he saw was an empty space . He ould feel the same empty space in his heart . Lik the angel of death took a piece of it along with Michelle . The world seemed gloomy now . Mik el was sure he couldn 't feel any worse than he did watching his wife slowly die . But he was wrong , this felt worse . Eve though she was in pain , at least she was there . Tha might sound selfish , but Mikael didn 't even care anymore . Now she was gone forever . Mik el felt tears filling his eyes again and quickly wiped them away . He idn 't want to break down . He ad Jamie with him , she didn 't need to see him crying . Aft r what felt like forever , Mikael got out of bed and went to the living room . To is surprise , Jamie was already there , watching SpongeBob with a bowl of cereal . She looked so cute , in her pink pajamas with her golden blonde hair still messy from sleeping . She smiled at him when she saw him and Mikael smiled back . Aft r making some coffee for himself , he went and sat down beside Jamie . The didn 't talk , they barely even looked at each other . Som thing about watching SpongeBob in peace was comforting . Mik el even managed to laugh once or twice . Bef re she got really sick , Michelle was usually the one making breakfast while Jamie and Mikael waited in the living room . Tod y though , that wasn 't going to happen . Mik el looked at the empty kitchen . He ould almost see her ghost , walking around in her robe , cooking up some eggs or bacon . Aft r fighting back tears , Mikael went and made some breakfast for him and Jamie . It asn 't nearly as good as when Michelle used to make it but Jamie didn 't make a fuss , she knew her dad tried his best . Eve though she was only 8 , Jamie knew a lot more than other 8 year olds . She knew how to be polite , respectful , and selfless which Mikael thought was amazi * * * Weeks passed and Mikael started to adjust living without Michelle . He ad to take care of Jamie and that 's what kept his mind off everything really . In he mornings he would wake her up , dress her , pack her lunch , take her to school and then head to work . Aft r work he would pick up his daughter , sometimes even stopping after school to talk to her teacher . Whe they got home , he would ask her all about her day , help her with homework , watch silly kid movies with her , prepare dinner , and every few days , bathe her . He ould put her to bed , read her a story and then sit on the couch watching TV until he passed out . Mik el couldn 't sleep in his bed anymore . It elt too weird . He topped after one night when he rolled over towards Michelle 's side to put his arm around her and only found the pillow . He at up that night and cried . Con erning his work , everyone was surprised he came back only after one week . Eve yone expected him to be gone for a month or two . Mik el couldn 't do that . He ouldn 't sit at home alone with his thoughts , it drove him crazy . As eeks turned into months , it seemed like Mikael and Jamie were gonna be okay . Mik el was almost happy . Thi changed though , one certain day at work . Sin e Michelle died , Mikael had to shorten his days to be able to take Jamie to and from school . Wit Michelle 's insurance money paying off their house and putting $ 20 000 in Mikael 's bank account , working less wasn 't a problem . How ver some people didn 't like it , especially Mikael 's partner , Bob . Eve y day , Mikael would work from 9 am to 1 pm , while Bob worked from 7 to 3 . Eve y other partnership would drive somewhere and eat lunch around noon . Thi however wasn 't the case for Bob and Mikael . Ins ead of driving to lunch , they had to drive back to the station so that Mikael could end his shift . Thi would force Bob to eat his lunch either on the way back to the station or at the station . He ould then have to go out on his own for another 2 to 3 hours , depending on when they got back to the statio " Look man , I get it but … Can t you at least hire someone to pick up Jamie after school ? You have that insurance money now and no mortgage to pay . " " Hiring a nanny isn 't cheap . " " Yeah but it can 't be that expensive . If I had that kind of money from the insurance company , phew I 'd be so happy . " This pissed Mikael off but he didn 't say anything . He wouldn 't be happy . " Hell it 's almost worth losing a wife to cancer when you get that kind of reward . I bet Jamie would have gotten you even more . " Bob wasn 't trying to be an asshole that was just how he talked . Sometimes he just didn 't hear himself . Mikael was used to how ignorant Bob was and didn 't really react to the stupid shit he said now . But when he said that , it was like he set off a fuse to an emotional bomb inside Mikael . Mikael didn 't even think about what he did next , he just did it . He turned around , grabbed Bob by his uniform and slammed him against the lockers . Bob was taken off guard , he didn 't even have time to fight back , he just kind of stood , fear on his face and waited for Mikael to explode . Mikael did just that , he pulled his arm back and punched Bob right in the nose . Bob 's head smacked against the lockers , blood instantly gushing from his nose . Mikael pulled his hand back again and struck Bob across the cheek this time . The other guys pulled Mikael off Bob before he could do anymore damage and Bob slid down the lockers onto his ass , clutching his face . Mikael felt super human , he pushed forward against his coworkers . There were three grown men holding him , but it took all of their strength to keep him back . " YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME ! " Bob was getting helped up by the other people around and he shrugged them off and walked away . Mikael 's Captain came out of his office and finally Mikael started to calm down . The Captain took him to his office and told Mikael that he had to give him a few weeks off . Mikael complained , argued , saying he was fine and all that needed to happen was for him to work alone now , not with Bob anymore . The captain felt bad , Mikael could see it on his face , but he didn 't change his mind . Mikael handed over his gun and badge and left the office slamming the door behind him . As Mikael collected his stuff to go home , everyone around acted like they were doing something but secretly , they were all watching him . Mikael hated it and got out of there as fast as possible . He didn 't tell Jamie anything that happened , but when he didn 't get ready for work in the morning and drove her to school without a shower , she got curious . He told her he was taking some time off and Jamie nodded her head and dropped the subject . With so much free time , Mikael started looking for anything to do to pass his time . After a while on the computer , Mikael remembered his old porn stash . He hadn 't looked at it in over a year , wasn 't even sure if it was still there . Maybe it had deleted itself . Of course , it was there , in the exact place Mikael had it hidden . He opened the folder and started looking through it . He decided to put on the slideshow function and watched as one picture at a time popped up and went away . After a while , the slideshow of pictures of the half naked , sometimes naked 13 year old girls finished and a video popped up . It was a video of a 14 year old girl in booty shorts , dancing to some rap music . She was shaking her ass at the camera and Mikael felt his dick starting to ooze pre cum . The video went on and eventually the girl got totally nude . Mikael started to jerk off soon after that . The next video that popped up was taken on a cellphone at a girl 's sleepover . The girls were playing truth or dare and when one of the girls dared her friend to make out with her , the third girl took out her phone to capture the moment . She introduced them by name and even said their ages . They were 14 and 15 , making Mikael 's dick jump just at the mention of their ages . They made out and after a while , the dares became more intense . At one point , the camera was set down and all three of them got naked . The dare was for them to strip down to nothing and dance around for five minutes . The video went on and after about fifteen minutes of it , the girls started to lick each other 's bodies . The cell phone camera was placed in the corner of the room , facing the bed . After a while It seemed like they forgot about the camera , or maybe just stopped paying attention to it because they stopped playing the game and went for a full out pussy licking session . Mikael came soon after the older girl sat on the younger 's face while the one that started filming went in between the younger 's legs . It was an intense orgasm , Mikael 's first orgasm since Michelle died . He had no tissues with him when he started to jerk off so there was now cum on his keyboard and computer desk . After pulling up his pants , he cleaned the cum up and took a shower . It was almost time to pick Jamie up . Chapter Three A week passed since Mikael was sent home from his job . This free time was supposed to help Mikael recover but if anything it made everything worse . Jamie started to notice her dad was becoming more and more depressed and did her best not to disturb him . She asked him how to set the alarm and started waking up by herself . Instead of Mikael cooking her breakfast , she would pour herself some cereal and watch TV until it was time to get dressed in her school clothes . Once she was dressed , she would wake Mikael up about 15 minutes before they had to leave and he would drive her to school , sometimes in his robe . After he got home , Mikael would go back to sleep for another few hours and than either jerk off to his porn stash or watch TV and drink beer . One day around lunch time , Mikael heard a knock on the door . Luckily , he wasn 't jerking off and instead , enjoying his third beer . He opened the door and there stood Jack . He had a smile on his face until he saw how dirty Mikael looked and the fact that he stunk like alcohol and body odor . " Jesus Mikael . " " What do you want Jack ? " " Um … Can I come in ? " Mikael sighed and stepped out of the way , stretching his arm out . " So … how have you been ? " Mikael laughed and said he was good . He offered Jack a beer but Jack refused since he was on duty . " Oh right , you have a job ! Tell Captain douche bag to suck my dick ! " Jack brushed some crumbs off the nearby couch and sat down on the edge . " He did the right think Mikael . You needed a break . " " Oh yeah I agree , I haven 't had this much fun in a long time . " Jack figured Mikael was being sarcastic but he couldn 't be sure . " So … How 's Jamie dealing with all of … this ? " " She 's fine . She 's a kid . I actually envy her sometimes . The way she can just watch SpongeBob with no worries , it 's beautiful . " " She lost her mom just like you lost your wife Mikael . She isn 't fine . " Mikael sighed and chugged down his fourth beer . He was in his boxers and a white t - shirt covered with various stains frAfter a few hours passed , Mikael agreed that he was too drunk to safely drive and let Jack pick up Jamie . As soon as he said yes though , Mikael remembered that company picnic all those months ago . Jack was right though ; there was no way Mikael could pick up Jamie . He had no choice , he was gonna have to let a pedophile pick his daughter up . Jack drove to the school in his cop car and went to the classroom Mikael told him . If looking at the porn earlier was a good idea then , it wasn 't a good idea now . Girls in their school outfits were all over the place . From 8 year olds to 14 year olds , Jack was in pervert heaven . When Jamie walked out of the classroom , Jack swore he felt his dick jump a little in his pants . Jamie was a really cute girl , she had the potential to be a heartbreaker in high school . Her long blonde hair went down to her back and shined like gold . Her school outfit was perfect . She wore a white dress shirt with a black skirt and a pair of white knee high socks . Jack had to put his hands in front of his crotch to keep from having his pants bulge out like a tent . " Hey Jack . " Jamie had seen Jack enough times to remember him . " Hey Jamie , your dad couldn 't make it today so he asked me to bring you home . " Jamie was smiling but now her smile faded . She looked concerned . " Oh . Is my dad okay ? " Jack chuckled and ruffled her hair , one hand still covering his crotch in a non obvious way . " Yeah sweetie , he 's fine . He 's just … He had a bit too much apple juice to drink . " Jamie giggled and put her hand over her mouth . " I know what beer is . " Jack felt a little embarrassed for some reason . He took Jamie 's hand and led her through the crowd , adjusting his pants along the way to hide his boner which thankfully was slowly becoming flaccid . When they got to the parking lot , Jamie gasped in excitement . " Oh cool you drove the cruiser ! " Jack laughed and Jamie threw her backpack at him , and ran as fast as she could towards the car . As she ran , her long skirt flew up and down , almost giving Jack a peak of her ass . After they got home , Jamie did her own thing in her room while Jack said his goodbye to Mikael and left . Mikael was a little drunk but he had to make sure that Jack didn 't do anything to his daughter so he went into her room after knocking to find her playing with her barbies on the floor . She looked fine but Mikael " What ? " Mikael almost said that through gritted teeth but managed to pull back so that Jamie didn 't notice . " Well … his pants looked funny … " " What do you mean ? Like they were dirty ? " He had a boner , Mikael already knew that 's what it was . " No like … they were poking out in front of his middle area and … he kept trying to like fix them with his hand . It was like he was trying to hide it or something but it was sooo obvious . " Mikael sighed ; he was too drunk for this conversation . The room was already spinning a little , besides the beer , Mikael drank a fifth of vodka as well . He tried to think what to say but didn 't really know how . What he said next was probably not a good idea . " He was excited . " Jamie made a face of confusion . In his mind , Mikael was already regretting saying that . " He was excited ? " Mikael cleared his throat and continued . " You know when a boy likes a girl ? " Oh god , Mikael thought . Jamie nodded slowly . " Well the boy 's … penis gets excited . " Mikael felt a little awkward saying penis in front of his daughter but she had already gone through her first sex ed class . She was in grade 3 and apparently that 's what they teach in grade 3 . Mikael signed the permission form when she got it right after her Christmas break , when Michelle was still alive . Jamie thought for a second . " But … There weren 't any old women around . Did I get him excited ? Because I think that 's bad . " Mikael felt even more nervous now . " Yeah you 're right , it is bad . But no sweetie , he was here before he came to pick you up and he was on Facebook talking to the girl he likes . " " Oh … Well good because if I got him excited , it would be really awkward . " Mikael laughed and agreed . " Yeah then daddy would have to kick his butt . " Jamie giggled when Mikael unleashed a fury of tickles and tickled her ribcage . " Yeah , I 'm your girl daddy ; I don 't want strangers getting excited over me . " Mikael didn 't really know how to respond to that . " Yeah you 're my girl . " Jamie smiled and hugged her dad . As she hugged him , the heel of her foot pressed down on his dick a little . Not hard to hurt but enough pressure to feel good . Now Mikael was in danger of getting excited so he quickly got Jamie out of his lap and sent her to her room . Chapter Four Over the next few months , Jack started coming over a lot more . At first , Mikael didn 't really like having him around ; it was like he was a woman , always asking him how he felt and if he needed help with anything . The only good woman quality Jack possessed was the ability to prepare a delicious meal . At first , when Mikael still wasn 't working , he only came around once or twice a week to check up on him and he never stayed longer than half an hour . But when the summer came , Jack started to come around three times a week almost every week " What 's up ? " " Look Jack … I don 't think you should come to the party . " Jack looked like he just got slapped across the face . " Why not ? " " It 's a pool party and well no offense but … I don 't think it 's a good idea to stick a pervert in the middle of a bunch of half naked preteen girls . " Jack looked offended but he knew Mikael was right , he couldn 't deny being a pervert after telling Mikael he was attracted to young girls . " But Jamie will be crushed . " " I 'll make up an excuse for you … Okay ? " Jack sighed and put his hand on Mikael 's shoulder . " Yeah buddy , you 're right . I won 't come . " And Jack didn 't come . Jamie was sad but she soon forgot about the whole thing when Mikael revealed the bouncy castle he rented for the party . She hugged him and kissed him on the cheek about a hundred times before running into the castle and playing . The party was tiring , kids screaming in your ear all day wasn 't exactly relaxing . After the party , Mikael bathed his daughter and tucked her into bed before going to the computer for his nightly masturbation . Four months later , on New Year 's Eve , Jack was over at Mikael 's house again and they were drinking pretty heavily celebrating . At this time last year , Michelle was still alive and Jack figured he would be a good friend and get his mind off it . Jamie was already asleep and Mikael and Jack were pretty wasted at this point . They were wasted enough to talk about jailbait porn like it was the most natural thing in the world . They talked and drank well past midnight and they were both getting turned on , which was a little awkward . They quickly changed the subject and after a few more minutes , Mikael was snoring , completely asleep . Jack called him a pussy and kept on drinking , flipping through channels . His dick was still semi - hard though and it was bugging him . Suddenly , he got an idea . Mikael had a nice collection of porn , and Jack was gonna rub one out , he would never know . He would never know , those words ran through his mind again " I should have told you this a long time ago … But I couldn 't … You would have left me if I did , you would have hated me and honestly , without you I wouldn 't have this life . Anyways , I 'm doing it now , because this way you can 't leave me . " Mikael then took a deep breath and confessed cheating on her in Brazil . He wasn 't sure if he believed that she could even hear him , but it didn 't matter , talking to her was more for him than anything else . After he confessed , Mikael walked over to Jamie and they drove home . Chapter Five The summer came in a hurry and Jamie 's 10th birthday was coming very soon . Jamie was especially excited for this birthday because to kids it was like a sweet 16 . Since March , Jack was unable to get any alone time with Jamie and he was starting to get impatient . Since he crossed the line , he couldn 't stop cold turkey . In fact , Mikael was starting to get a little annoyed with Jack spending so much time at his house . Even though Jamie loved him and it appeared that Jack wasn 't doing anything bad , he still suspected him . So since around April , Jack only stopped by the house every other weekend . Jamie didn 't say anything about it . One night , when Jamie was at a sleepover ( to Jack 's disappointment ) Mikael and Jack went to a bar and got full out wasted . Their plan was to hook up with some women but that didn 't work out too well . They took a cab back to Mikael 's house ( Jamie was getting dropped off early next morning ) and rather than passing out , they continued their drinking . It wasn 't often that Mikael blacked out after a night of drinking but the extra drinks at home did it . The next thing he remembered was the doorbell at 8 in the morning . Jack wasn 't there so Mikael figured he took a cab home . When Mikael finally got the door open , he saw Hailey , Jamie 's friend 's mom , standing there with Jamie beside her . " Well you certainly had a fun night . " Hailey was an attractive woman , single too , and Mikael had flirted with her over the few months since they met . " Yeah haha . I hope Jamie wasn 't any trouble ? " " Oh don 't be silly , she 's an absolute angel ! " Jamie certainly looked like an angel , with her long blonde golden hair and perfect skin . Hailey and Mikael talked for a bit more before Hailey left . Mikael was hungover , his head was killing him and he had no idea what happened last night . The last thing he remembered was being in a cab with Jack . He dropped back onto the couch while Jamie went to her room . She was gonna watch TV but didn 't want to bother her dad . Just as soon as Mikael " Mike listen we gotta talk - " Before Jack could even finish his sentence ; Mikael grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him inside slamming the door shut . He then pinned him against the door and was ready to snap . " You sick motherfucker I 'm gonna kill you ! " " Hey relax , what are you talking about ? ! " " She fucking found the panties you asshole ! " Mikael was being really loud and Jack looked towards Jamie 's room , scared she could hear everything . Mikael raised his hand and was about to punch Jack . " Wait , hold the fuck up ! Let me explain ! Let me explain ! ! " It was too late , Mikael 's hand struck Jack across the cheek . Jack didn 't give Mikael another shot though , he pushed him and hit him back . Mikael fell to the ground while Jack rubbed his cheek . Jamie was still in her room , " I 'm gonna fucking kill you . " " Let me fucking explain ! " Mikael started to get up but the fight was over . Mikael got up and rubbed his cheek while Jack took out his phone . He pulled up a picture and then gave the phone to Mikael . " See ! " Mikael almost had a heart attack . His mouth opened and he could barely stand . The picture showed Mikael sitting on Jamie 's bed , his pants off , and his cock inside the very same pair of panties Jamie found on her floor . His eyes were closed and he looked like he was in a world of ecstasy . " It was me . " Jack then pushed him lightly and took his phone back . " Yeah you jackass , it was you . " " Do you remember what happened last night ? " Jack shook his head . " While I was on my way over here , I remembered we took a few pictures at the bar . Then I found this picture . " Mikael went over to the couch and sat down . " I jerked off with my daughter 's panties . " Mikael was in shock . He had his face in his hands , elbows on his knees , hunched over . How could he do such a thing ? He hated himself . But even though he felt like a pig , he couldn 't help but notice his dick twitch in his pants . " Holy shit … I remember now . " Jack sat down opposite of Mikael , thinking hard . " You do ? " " Yeah … We were sitting here and I don 't know why but we started talking about younger girls . I don 't exactly know what happened but I remember you ran out of the room at one point and into Jamie 's . I followed you and then the next thing I remember is you asking me to take the picture . " " I think I 'm gonna be sick . What do I tell her about her panties ? " " You don 't tell her anything Mikael . She 'll forget about the whole thing . " " Yeah , I hope so . " The next few days were tense for Mikael . Whenever he would see Jamie , he would almost blush he was so embarrassed . Even though she had no idea , he didn 't like the fact that he jerked off into his daughter 's panties . Jamie never mentioned anything about it , and she seemed to act normal around Mikael so after a week passed , Mikael kind of forgot about the whole incident . About a month later , just a few days before Jamie 's 10th birthday , when Mikael was bathing his daughter , she finally said something . Ever since that night , Mikael managed to not think about Jamie that way , and even though he was bathing her , he still managed to keep clean thoughts . " Daddy ? " " Yeah sweetie ? " Jamie was standing in the tub while Mikael soaped her body with a bath glove . He was rubbing her chest when she spoke up . " Remember those panties I found in my room a while ago ? " Mikael 's heart started beating faster , his face started to turn a little red but Jamie didn 't notice anything . " Um , yeah I remember . " Jamie didn 't say anything for a little while and then her face started to turn a little red too . " The stuff on them … Was it semen ? " Mikael almost had a heart attack when he heard Jamie say that word . He had absolutely no idea what to say . " Umm . . . Well … Where did you … How do you know that word ? " Jamie giggled nervously , Mikael moved the bath glove down her stomach . " My friend taught it to me . She knows a lot about that stuff … Sex . " Mikael stopped washing his daughter and looked up at her . " And how does your friend know about sex ? " " I don 't know , she won 't tell me . But I 'm guessing someone got excited around her and taught her . " Mikael was in absolute shock . " You know , the way Jack gets excited around me . " " What ? ! " Mikael sat up off the closed toilet seat , anger building inside him . Jamie looked a little scared . " Jack gets excited around me … A lot . " Jamie picked up the bath glove Mikael had thrown in the tub and started washing her legs and crotch area . Mikael was furious while Jamie seemed to be fine . " Does he touch you ? ! " Jamie was now bending forward washing her shins and looked up at Mikael and shrugged . Mikael was furious , he lunged forward and grabbed Jamie by the shoulders and kind of shook her . " DOES HE TOUCH YOU ? ! " Jamie was now really scared , her dad had never yelled at her . " He touches my butt when I 'm sleeping ! Daddy calm down ! " Mikael started to pace back and forth in the bathroom . All Mikael could think about was ripping Jack 's head off . Jamie kept washing herself and then turned on the shower and closed the shower curtain to not spray water everywhere . " When did he touch you Jamie ? " Jamie was rinsing herself behind the curtain and answered , " He 's touched you more than once ? ! Does he hurt you ? ! " Mikael pulled back the curtain and water sprayed his shirt . Jamie was standing in the middle , running her hands all over her body , her ass clenching a little bit . " No he doesn 't hurt me daddy . He just gets excited . All guys get excited , I don 't mind . " " Jamie this is serious . " Mikael was angry but as Jamie kept showering , turning around to show off her little ass and pussy from time to time , Mikael found himself starring at his daughter . " Oh daddy . " Jamie looked up at him nonchalant , turning off the water . " You think everything is serious . " Jamie placed her hands on Mikael 's stomach and pushed him back a little so she could step out of the tub . She was dripping wet from head to toe , and Mikael once again had to shake himself to reality to keep from starring . It didn 't really make sense why suddenly he couldn 't take his eyes off her . " This IS serious Jamie . Jack isn 't supposed to touch you like that ! " " It only happened like three times in six months dad . That 's nothing . " " That 's three times too many ! " " Well I don 't mind if he touches me , it 's silly and sorta fun . " Mikael kept getting surprised by Jamie today . " Fun ? ! Jamie , he could go to prison ! " Suddenly Jamie got the most panicked look on her face Mikael had ever seen . She dropped the towel she was using to dry herself off and hugged Mikael . " Dad NO ! I would have never told you if I knew you would send him to jail ! Please don 't daddy , I 'll tell him not to touch me anymore , just please daddy . " Mikael hugged his daughter , rubbing up and down her back . He sighed , not knowing what to do . If Jamie was pleading for Jack NOT to go to jail and not get punished , maybe he really wasn 't hurting her . " I won 't tell the authorities only if you are 100 % sure he never hurt you . Can you tell me honestly that what he did didn 't make you upset and it didn 't hurt you physically ? " Jamie moved her head from Mikael 's chest and looked up , fear still in her eyes . " I swear dad . I swear on mom 's grave . " Mikael had only ever heard Jamie swear on Michelle 's grave once before , and that was when her teacher accused her of cheating on a test . Mikael believed her then , and he believed her now . " Okay … Okay , I won 't tell anyone . But I 'm gonna confront him about this . He 's not gonna touch you again . " Jamie hugged her dad again and then let go and started slipping on a pair of panties , her ass pointed at Mikael as she was bent over . The bathroom was very tight and Jamie stumbled back a little , her ass rubbing against Mikael 's dick . Mikael cleared his throat and left the bathroom , his dick growing slightly in his pants . Chapter Six It was about three days later that Mikael finally confronted Jack about the touching . He had promised Jamie that he would not get angry and it took all his effort . He sat opposite of Jack in the living room , and then looked at his feet while Jack sat on the couch , looking puzzled . Mikael kept looking down at his feet , trying to keep his composure and then spoke , " Yeah sure . " Mikael looked up at Jack , his stupid face looked like it needed a black eye or two but Mikael kept his composure . " Have you ever touched Jamie ? " Mikael stared at Jack . Jack laughed nervously , sweat already starting to form on his forehead . Mikael gave him a look , almost saying that he knew the answer with his eyes . Jack then sighed and told the truth . " Yes I have … I 'm sorry Mikael . " Mikael was a little surprised that Jack didn 't deny it . " You 're my best friend and I don 't want to lie . You and Jamie are everything I have and I would never hurt her . I hate myself for doing it . " Mikael didn 't really know what to say . " Thank you for your honesty . That was very big of you . " Mikael inhaled deeply . " But I can 't let you do that . I 'm not gonna call the FBI or anything , but I need you to stop coming around here . I know you love her like a daughter , " Mikael swallowed , Jack loved her but not EXACTLY like a daughter , " but I can 't just let you keep coming around here anymore . Maybe you haven 't hurt her yet , but I can 't take the risk . " Jack nodded in agreement . " I fucked up , I know . " There was an awkward little silence for a bit . " How did you find out ? " " Oh um , Jamie told me a few days ago . " Jack suddenly looked shocked , more shocked then when Mikael asked him the question in the first place . " Oh my god . She knows ? Oh god . " Jack put his face in his hands . " Yeah she actually begged me not to kick your ass or call the cops . " " Can I tell her I 'm sorry ? " Jack actually had tears in his eyes . Mikael wasn 't feeling sympathetic at the moment though . " Sorry Jack , I don 't want you around her anymore . It 's best if you don 't talk to her for a while . " Jack wiped his eyes and then got up . He shook hands with Mikael , apologizing again and left the house . It almost looked like he wanted to thank Mikael for not calling the cops , but changed his mind . Once he was gone , Mikael walked over to Jamie 's room to check up on her . He opened the door and found his daughter laying in bed reading a book . " Hi daddy . " She sat up and Mikael sat on the bed at her feet , grasping her little feet through the blanket . " Hey sweetie , what are you reading ? " " The Hunger Games . Where 's Uncle Jack ? " Mikael then explained to Jamie that Jack wasn 't gonna be around anymore . Jamie got scared thinking he was in jail but Mikael reassured her that Jack was fine . " I know you care about him sweetie but grown men are not allowed to touch little girls like you . He 's a bad man . " Jamie seemed puzzled at his words and then shook her head . " No daddy , Jack isn 't a bad man . I know what bad men do and he wasn 't doing that . Bad men HURT little girls , Jack loves me . " She started to cry a little and Mikael felt like an asshole , Jack managed not to hurt her , yet he hurt her . He hugged Jamie and held her for a bit until she calmed down . " It 's probably best if you don 't mention what he did to your friends or anyone , a parent might find out and call the cops on him . " Jamie nodded , her head still on her dad 's shoulder . " He really didn 't do anything bad though , just rubbed my butt a little . " Mikael didn 't say anything . " Here , let me show you . " She let go of Mikael and got out of bed . It happened so fast that Mikael couldn 't even say anything . She was wearing her pajamas and she turned around , her ass facing Mikael and pulled them to her knees , followed by her cute white panties . Mikael swallowed hard . " Jamie pull up your underwear . " Mikael kept looking at his daughter 's ass , his dick slightly growing larger . She was holding her shirt up about halfway up her back and scooted backwards towards Mikael , her ass wiggling in the process . Even her back looked cute . " Give me your hand . " Mikael looked up at his daughter 's eyes and she gave him a demanding look . Finally he raised his hand and Jamie took it in hers , and pulled it towards her ass . She pushed the hand onto her left ass cheek and then put her much smaller hand over top of Mikael 's . She then started to move both their hands around in a small circle . " See , this isn 't hurting me , that 's exactly what Jack did . " " Alright Jamie , still isn 't okay . " Mikael was so nervous , he wanted to pull his hand away but Jamie just kept rubbing it around her ass . She then started to move it towards the middle , where her tiny little asshole was and Mikael shifted around on the bed . " Okay Jamie , I get it , now get dressed . " Jamie shook her head . " I want to show you exactly what happened . " Soon , Mikael 's finger was touching the asshole that he once used to wipe shit from when Jamie was a baby . Jamie wasn 't pushing his finger hard against it , it was more just at the entrance , not moving . " Jamie we need to stop this . " Mikael was getting really nervous now , this wasn 't right . His dick disagreed though . " He touched me in one more place . " Mikael knew where that place was . Jamie wiggled her legs to make her pajamas drop to the ground and then spread her legs a little . Mikael wanted to pull his hand away , he wanted to take control but couldn 't . Jamie pulled his hand forward , underneath her ass towards her small pussy . Mikael just sat there as Jamie pulled his hand onto her pussy . Her whole hand was pressing down on Mikael 's middle finger and Mikael could feel Jamie 's cunt like never before . She was actually pressing quite hard , making Mikael 's finger dip in just the tiniest amount . This went on for about a minute , Jamie just kept pushing on her pussy with Mikael 's finger , swirling it around in the smallest circle . Mikael 's dick was rock hard , and he was scared . He knew he couldn 't let Jamie see his erection . Jamie didn 't look back at him for the entire time , she just kept her head down . Mikael wondered for a moment or two , if Jamie was actually enjoying herself . She stood pretty still , but Mikael could swear he could feel her breathing get faster . " Okay enough . " Mikael finally snapped out of it and pulled his hand free . His other hand was in his lap , pressing down hard on his cock , trying to cover up his erection . Jamie just stood in front of her dad , her pajamas still down . There was a weird feeling in the air , it was silent , not awkward but different . It was like Mikael and Jamie weren 't dad and daughter , but just two strangers . Jamie finally turned around , a big smile on her face . She still didn 't pull her pajamas up but instead just put her hands on her hips and tilted her head to the side a little . Mikael shook his " See daddy , Uncle Jack never hurt me . He even cleaned the semen off my butt every time . " " Well it 's wrong . Now pull up your pajamas , this discussion is over . " It wasn 't over though , Jamie was now looking at Mikael 's hands in his lap . " I 'll pull them up when you move your hands . " Mikael was getting a little frustrated with his daughter now . " Jamie , get dressed . " " Not until you stop hiding your penis . " " JAMIE ! " " What ? ! I think you 're excited . " Jamie put both of her hands over her mouth and giggled . Mikael started to blush , which only got Jamie to giggle and tease more . After a while , Jamie managed to convince Mikael that the only way she was pulling up her pajamas was if Mikael did it for her . She stood close to him , her pussy basically in his face when he bent forward . Mikael knew this was a bad idea but he reached down and grabbed the panties and pajamas and pulled them up Jamie 's thin legs . As he did this , Jamie reached between his arms and touched his crotch with her hand . " JAMIE ! " Jamie started to laugh and then let the pajamas fall back down to the ground . She stepped out of them and started running around her room . " Daddy 's excited daddy 's excited daddy 's excited ! " She was chanting it while hoping around , her ass bouncing freely . This went on for a few more moments while Mikael put his face in his hands , disgusted with himself that he let it get this far . Jamie finally settled down and sat on her floor , leaning on her arms behind her , her legs spread apart and her feet were touching Mikael 's feet . " Like I already told you , I don 't mind getting people excited . " " Well I mind Jamie , I 'm your father , I 'm supposed to protect you . " " Just because you like touching me doesn 't mean you aren 't protecting me daddy . It doesn 't hurt , it feels nice . " Mikael still had his face in his hands and didn 't see when Jamie 's hand went from the floor to her pussy . She started to rub up and down her pussy , little tingles going through her body . It wa " Jamie stop that ! " " Why ? " " Because I told you to ! You 're not supposed to do that ! " " Why not ? I like it . Mmm " That was the first time Mikael heard his daughter moan from sexual arousal and he loved it . Mikael 's dick was bouncing in his pants now , his boxers already covered in pre cum . Jamie kept rubbing herself slowly for a few minutes while Mikael just kept watching , shifting around in the bed a million times . " Come on daddy , you can play with your penis , I won 't mind . " Mikael wasn 't thinking clearly anymore . He was too horny and his dick just wouldn 't shut up . Mikael quickly sat up , his pants bulging , and then undid them with shaky hands . Jamie kept rubbing herself , now looking at her dad taking his pants off , her blond hair spread all over the floor . She was rubbing her pussy so slowly , so seductively , it turned Mikael on even more . Her eyes widened as Mikael 's 7 inch dick popped out , a clear liquid coming from the tip . He started to jerk it up and down and watched the expression on his daughter 's face . He still couldn 't exactly believe that he was doing this , but it was too late to stop now . Besides , Mikael wasn 't so sure he even wanted to stop anymore , that demon he met in Brazil was now taking over again . Jamie laid on her floor for a few more minutes , rubbing herself while watching her dad 's hand wrapped around his cock . Jamie had never had an orgasm and she had never masturbated before , but whenever Jack touched her , she secretly laid in bed loving every minute of it . " Daddy ? " " Yeah baby ? " " Can you touch me ? " Mikael felt a throb go through his cock at that request from his own daughter . She said it in a voice that was filled with childhood wonder , but at the same time , Mikael could hear a tiny hint of sluttiness in it , a bit of lustfulness ; it actually reminded Mikael of Michelle . He didn 't know how to react to that . " Come up here . " Mikael patted the bed beside him and Jamie grinned and got up to her feet almost instantly . She crawled onto her pink sheets and laid down onto her stomMikael slowly inched his hand closer to the young pussy in front of him , Jamie 's eyes watching his hand with anticipation . After what seemed like an eternity , the tip of Mikael 's middle finger made contact with Jamie 's lips . She bit her lip a little , and spread her legs just a bit wider . Mikael could feel his pre cum leaking down the bottom of his dick and onto his hand , while he moved his finger up and down the length of Jamie 's pussy . Her skin was so smooth compared to his aged , rough skin and it sent little shocks of pleasure through Jamie 's middle . " That feels really nice daddy . " Mikael smiled and let go of his cock with his other hand . He then leaned up and kissed his daughter on the forehead . As he pulled away , he noticed her looking up at him , her lips apart just a tiny bit . Mikael 's heart started to beat faster , his stomach feeling like it was gonna turn in on itself . Once again , Mikael was reminded of Michelle , and the first time he kissed her , how nervously excited he felt . This was the same feeling . It was almost like Jamie was feeling the same thing , even though she had no experience with kissing boys . Maybe it was just that Jamie was a spitting image of Michelle and that tricked his mind into thinking Jamie felt what he felt . Mikael leaned down and placed his lips on Jamie 's much smaller ones , giving her a kiss like this for the first time ever . It wasn 't much of a kiss , their lips didn 't move , but it sent a new kind of warmth through Mikael 's heart . His middle finger was still gently rubbing up and down Jamie 's pussy , and Mikael could feel Jamie moving her hips along with him in a perfect rhythm . Once the kiss was broken , Jamie just giggled and smiled at her dad , and Mikael 's mind went back to lust as he looked down at his finger . He noticed his finger was now pushing in between her lips just slightly spreading her delicate virgin pussy . Mikael knew that everything new he did would simply blow Jamie 's mind , and he decided to go in for a taste . He moved his finger away aMikael pushed his tongue out and licked his daughter 's pussy with the tip . There wasn 't much of a taste , other than the body wash that she had bathed in earlier , but Mikael loved it . Jamie absolutely loved it , she actually arched her back just a little bit , brand new tingles rocking her pussy , feelings that Jack never gave her . Mikael pushed his face closer and his beard stubble tickled Jamie 's smooth skin a little . Mikael pushed a few centimeters of his tongue inside her pussy and he heard the most beautiful sound , a moan much louder than Jamie 's usual indoor voice . More flashbacks rushed into Mikael 's mind , even their moans sounded similar . Either that or Mikael 's mind made them sound that way . A few minutes passed with Mikael licking his daughter 's pussy in every way he could come up with , Jamie had a mini orgasm . Mikael wasn 't sure if it was a real orgasm , but it was probably the closest thing to it for Jamie , since she had no experience with it before . Mikael 's dick must 've made a puddle of pre cum on Jamie 's sheets while he licked her pussy clean , and he felt like he was about to produce a bucket sized cum explosion with the next touch . It wasn 't exactly the next touch but after about 20 seconds of the most intense jerking of Mikael 's life , his orgasm reached its boiling point . His balls tightened , the muscles in his dick pushing out a huge rocket of cum , which splattered all over his thighs and t - shirt . Jamie just lay on her side and watched in amazement as her dad 's dick acted like a water fountain , only instead of water , it was shooting out big white gooey stuff . Mikael was now on his back , the orgasm taking it all out of him , his t - shirt in need of a wash . Mikael almost forgot where he was but Jamie 's voice brought him back to reality . " Do you want to wipe up your semen with my panties daddy ? " To Be Continued . . . ( Eventually ) Thank you for reading , I hope you liked it ! I really want to continue this series but as some of you know , I have a few other stories to take care of first . So unless a lot of people demand the next installment , I won 't start work on it until I finish the other stories . onenineninethreeasstr @ gmail . com Actually , it is necessary to the story , because Jack is coming back , probably in the next installment , toward the end of that next one . I think it is a titillating idea , myself . Of course what he heck do I know , I 'm associating with a woman at present , who has two D 's the one that is ten yo kind of looks like a sexpot , kinda chubby with curves already . If I could teach her that would be checked off my bucket list .
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So today , we decided we were going swimming . There are no pools really close , but there are three that aren 't too far away . At the Mt . Si Community Pool , an indoor pool , the staff is really sweet . Last year , the boys took lessons there and high school kids taught them , nice high school kids . We always see people we know at the Mt . Si Pool . The building is large and made to look like a log cabin and has a great view across the soccer fields of it 's namesake , Mt . Si . The boys have to swim the length of the small pool to be allowed in the deep end . This is good practice for them because they 'll be going to Cub Scout camp in three weeks and need the practice . We could also have gone to the Bellevue Aquatics Center , another indoor pool . It has two pools , one warm and one cooler . The warm pool is fairly shallow and small and is frequently used for physical therapy . I think it 's really good for the boys to see people who need some extra help , along with those with disabilities who manage quite well on their own . The cooler pool is Olympic - sized and has a large and a small tube slide , a basketball hoop , and a large diving area . The boys have to swim the length of the pool to be allowed to go off the diving boards . They both want that privilege , so they 're usually willing . I don 't know if you see the drift here , but I like them to be challenged as much as possible during the summer if they aren 't taking lessons . I figure that knowing how to swim is a necessity , like learning to read and do math . The pool we went to today was the Mountlake Terrace Community Pool . There wasn 't a swim test , but I had them do as many laps as they could . Adrian still had to be reminded to kick his feet and use his arms for the one length he completed . He 's only comfortable on his back and really needs another round of lessons . Nick swam back and forth the length of the pool three times . He likes the breast stroke and is very comfortable using the resting back stroke too . He won 't have any problems passing the swim test at Cub Scout camp . I 'm not sure Adrian will even try the test if we don 't get more swim time in before then . I 'm hoping to go twice next week and once more before we leave for camp . The Mountlake Terrace Community Pool has a shallow toddler area with fountains and water toys that I wish I 'd known about when Nickie was small . It has a deeper section with lanes and during the recreational swim , they put long floating mats across it to run out on like a slip - and - slide . There are lots of pool toys , balls , tubes , mats , and a basketball hoop . There 's also a separate area called the river that has a current and is about the size of an average hotel pool . I like walking and swimming upstream in that one , but most of the kids are floating with the current , so I have to be careful . They also have a Jacuzzi and a sauna . The sauna felt great . I love how the pores of my skin stretch open . Also , there are no kids allowed in the sauna , so it 's a way to get a relatively quiet moment . In the Midwest , where I grew up , we never went to indoor pools to swim . I kind of miss outdoor pools in the summer , but they 're always overcrowded around here . We went to one in Kirkland three years ago and the way they had it set up was that you waited in a long line , tried to swim for 45 minutes in an overcrowded pool , and then were dumped out to stand in a long line again for the next available 45 minute session . The sunshine wasn 't worth it for that . With our cool wet weather ten months out of the year , there aren 't many outdoor pools . Today , it 's 66 degrees and drizzly . We 're not even thinking about going to the lake to swim yet . The lakes here , usually being deep and fed by snow melt , are cold so we wait for the hot weather to set in before we go to one of the lakes . Next week , it 's supposed to get up to 76 degrees and I 'm hoping that will feel warm enough to go to Wild Waves with their tube slides , wave pool , long lazy river , and great roller coaster . I bought us season passes for the summer . If we go three times , we more than cover the cost of the passes . Plus , there 's a fun Haunted House on Halloween , so I know the passes will be worth it . The boys are getting to the age that they want to be more independent and I can trust them to be on their own part of the time while we 're there . I 'm glad I decided to swim today instead of just watching the boys play or reading my book . I 'm a water bug at heart and I needed the exercise . Thanks for listening , jb I have to admit , I 'm reading four books now . It sounds crazy , but it isn 't . I have a book that I 'm reading to Nickie every other night when it 's my turn to take him in to bed . Mike and I have been reading to him at bedtime his whole life and he still loves it . We don 't want to stop and we don 't like missing every other chapter either , so we each read our own books to him . My husband has read most of the Narnia series and ' The Hobbit ' to Nickie . Right now , he 's reading ' Eragon ' by Christopher Paolini and as usual , I 'm sad I 'm not listening in . If I were there , I 'd only be a distraction to sleep . They both like ' Eragon . ' I am jealous of this author because he wrote the first draft of it when he was only fifteen . This kind of jealousy is good for me . I see I have work to do . To the critics that say Paolini 's work is derivative , I 'd like to say that all work is derivative . I know I 'll read it when I get a chance . Two recommendations in the family is good enough for me . On my nights with Nick , I 'm reading ' Magyk , ' the first in the series of Septimus Heap books by Angie Sage . I like it well enough , but I don 't like losing the perspective of the characters I really like as the story switches each chapter . This does move the story forward and tells me information that a single character wouldn 't know , but I don 't like all of these people or seeing through their eyes . There are bright spots , though , that keep it moving , like when Jenna realizes who she really is , the boggart in his mud , and Boy 412 as he begins to learn magyk . So we 're going on reading it . I also like how the story is evolving into a wizard version of WWII in which the witches and wizards are treated much like Jews were treated in 1940 's Germany . In my kitchen , I 'm listening to ' Thereby Hangs a Tail ' by Spencer Quinn . I like this cheerful detective story because it 's told from the perspective of a dog . There are funny twists of language . What the dog does with an idiom is hysterical . Plus , I like that he has his doggy sense of being , aware of facial expreI used to try to bring the kitchen book to the car to listen to while I ran my errands , but too often , I found that I 'd forgotten to retrieve the current disk from the machine and was stuck with disks out of sequence . So I 've been making my errands more fun by leaving a box of CDs in the car . Right now , I 'm listening to ' Raven 's Gate ' by Anthony Horowitz . I 've had trouble turning this story off , so Nick has gotten drawn into it despite the gory deaths , the summoned dogs and pterodactyls , and the teenaged fear of being trapped . I 'm excited that this is the first book in a series and wish I had more errands to run tomorrow so that I could finish that last disk . The only book I 'm having trouble with is the one by my bedside . I 'm reading ' Extra Lives ' by Tom Bissell . He is really good at moving through a video game and telling what he 's seeing and how it makes him feel . The problem I have with his book is not a problem , really . See , Mike has been asking me to read to him as he 's trying to fall asleep . I 've been reading to him from this book and , frankly , the language is beyond me . When I 'm reading silently , it goes pretty well because I gather the meaning of those words through the context , but when I 'm reading out loud , there are so many words I just can 't pronounce . Even with someone who loves me and just might be asleep , this is embarrassing . I 'm hanging in there , because I figure it 's good for me to stretch . The book also discusses the shame that is laid upon people who love video games , the growth of the art form ( yes , he argues that it is indeed an art ) , and best of all , he describes how a nonviolent man can enjoy engaging in such a seemingly violent outlet . Seeing as how I 'm not really into video games but have two men in my household who are very interested , it makes sense for me to figure out this need . So , I would recommend this book to any mothers who battle with husbands about whether or not Billy should be allowed to play . It should be confusing , reading all of these books at once , but it isn 't . Occasionally , I back up a bit to see where I 've been , but the story comes back to me . I figure that since I don 't have much time to sit and watch television , I 'm entitled to my vices , don 't you think ? Everyone is asleep . Seth just jumped onto the couch and just stood there until I put his blanket next to me . He 's a funny cat but he knows how to ask for what he wants . It was a beautiful sunny day here . I think it was in the low seventies with almost no humidity . Nick had been invited to a birthday party that Adrian hadn 't been invited to . Since Adrian was over at the house for three hours , I figured he wouldn 't mind running home just before we left . He kind of did . But then , his godmother asked if I could take him to the grocery store with me and to Tully 's while she ran some errands . I didn 't mind . Adrian likes Tully 's because I always get him a foamy sweet drink smothered in whipped cream . During the school year , it 's a great place to take the boys to do homework . Research says that if you vary where you study , you absorb more . But here 's the kind of day it was - we got to the party , held in a beautiful stone and wood pavilion at Beaver Lake in Sammamish and the boys took one look at Nick and Adrian and said " come on , want to be on my team ? " I would have liked having Adrian with me at the coffee shop , but I spared him the grocery store which took longer than I thought , because I forgot my list . Then , I sat happily in the parking lot listening to my audio book , ' Raven 's Gate . ' I was almost to the end and I just had to know how it went . When I got back to the park , the boys were happy and dirty and had eaten all kinds of junk . I missed watching them play and sitting by the lake , but I have all summer and the days are only getting warmer . Thank you for listening , jb Migraine . Trying to be usefully anyway is hard . I lost my blog from yesterday in the waiting room . Stupid ' BlogWriter Lite ' deleted it when I had to click my phone closed to get my blood drawn . There was an older couple across the room from me and I watched as she read to him , one hand on his forearm , while he held his book loosely in his . He wore a straw hat with an orange , green , and white , striped hatband . He had on white socks with brown loafers . His laugh lines were deep and he had patient eyes . He reminded me of my Great Uncle Raymond , minus the cigar . I loved my Great Uncle Raymond . This is lame . I wonder if I keep writing if I 'll come up with something good . I need a nap . It 's only 10 : 35 am and I got plenty of sleep last night . I treated my migraine with my usual concoction , antihistamine , acetaminophen , ibuprofen , and caffeine . It 's sort of under control , but not quite . I can still feel it lurking just under my skull , waiting for the time when I bend over and it can strike me deep in my brain with its lance . Here 's what happened . Yesterday , I played with a rope while Mike showed the boys how to do a taut - line hitch and half hitches . These are the knots he taught me to use when we tie the canoe onto the truck . Good knots to know . Good memories of white water and a wet dog . I kept playing with my length of rope while I watched the boys , in Laurel and Hardy fashion , put up a tarp as they pretended a storm was coming in and they still needed to cook . They were hysterical . I wish I had a video of them . My rope was one of those with lots of fiber and a woody smell . I could feel that I was a little bit allergic and would have been fine if I 'd washed my hands when I was done , but I made the mistake of touching my face before we got home and waiting to wash my hands . Then I got a welt on my cheek and started to wheeze . Instead of taking a shower and antihistamine , I sat with Mike and Nick and hung out . Then , just before I went to sleep , Mike convinced me to take antihistamine . Too late . I woke at 4 : 07 am to one word . Migraine . There was nothing for it . It was going to be a tough day even though I threw ibuprofen and acetaminophen onto it . I had some tea with caffeine , but now , Nick wants to go swimming at the Bellevue Aquatics Center . Maybe we can go , but I can 't see it being easy . We 'd have to stop and get Adrian a new swim shirt since his mom said he won 't swim without one and he outgrew his old one . She won 't be bothered to get him one until late August . Plus , we need to buy Legos for a friend 's birthday party tomorrow . Swimming could have been an easy day of swirly water in my hair if not for tI 'm not doing very well here , am I ? Sounding very crabby . It 's hard to blog when your brain is squishy and loose . Thanks for listening anyway , jb Sometimes when I 'm hungry and eating right , I wonder if things around me are edible , like the petunias in the planter on the back deck and the tall weeds in my yard that look crunchy and juicy at the same time Well , I learned something today - petunias are edible , at least for giraffes . How do I know this ? A docent at the Woodland Park Zoo took $ 5 . 00 from me and handed me a leafy branch and a petunia . After standing in a line for a half an hour , I got the honor of giving it to a giraffe . He had the great long neck , huge eyes with long lashes , and a long black tongue . The docent said that it was thought that the tops of their tongues were black to prevent sunburn . Isn 't that amazing ? When the giraffe took the petunia , his tongue touched my little finger . The docent also told me that they pick their noses with their tongues . Great , I got goobered by a giraffe . I 've been to this zoo many times with my boy . I had always gone with the same moms and run the same circuit . Today , we went with my niece and her boyfriend , real aficionados of the zoo . It 's great going with experts to do what they love . My favorite baseball game was one we had gone to with a true fan . My favorite trip to the art museum was to see a Van Gogh exhibit with a friend who majored in art history in college . So the zoo was lots of fun with my niece who has signed up to become a docent . She looked so happy there . She even pointed out the mating flamingos . I had never known that you could feed the giraffes at the zoo . I didn 't mind the extra cost . I like doing new things , even if it means getting goobered by a giraffe . Thank you for listening , jb Buddy , our cuddly kitty , wanted us to stay home today . He 'd like some couch time , some extra snacks , and a massage behind the ears . He 's a good cat , but those aren 't good activities for a boy on summer break . Here 's what we did this week : The Seattle area has some great biking trails . When we have a longer day , I want to pedal the Burke - Gillman Trail along the West side of Lake Washington . We only had an afternoon , so we biked from Marymoor Park up the Slough Trail . There was a Subway right at the park for a snack when we were done . I had a Italian BMT salad . Biking was popular this week , so we went out to Tolt MacDonald Park in Carnation the next day . Nick 's friend , Cole , and his mom , Susan , met us there . She didn 't have a bike , so Nick , Mike , and Cole biked . Mike said that they biked under the bridge at the Tolt River , met with the Snoqualmie River Trail and went North through Carnation . That trail goes all the way up to Duvall , another ride for a longer day . That ride would deserve a picnic . Susan and I took a brisk walk along the same trail . She 's in better condition than I am , so I got a workout trying to keep up . Yesterday , it was raining in the morning , so Nick and Adrian debated the merits of jumping at Sky High or going swimming at the Bellevue Aquatics Center . Sky High won so I signed them up for an hour of trampoline time . I took an hour too . The teenagers there aren 't too pleased to see the old lady blocking their leaps , but I love it . I can still jump , but I keep it simple . I don 't do any tricks . We have a long list of things to do that include mentally mapping our bike routes and how they fit together . We plan to go to the Woodland Park Zoo tomorrow and the Aquarium next week . There are biology lessons for us . We have season passes to Wild Waves . Wave pools and looping rides are all about physics if you look at them . I 'll ask Nick the question , " Why don 't you fall out when the ride goes upside down ? " We will hike , finding geocaches , swim at as many of the lakes as we can . We 'll look for rocks at the river . We might even go see if Nick has grown tall enough yet to drive his own go - cart . Every boys wants to learn good driving skills . This summer , I 'd like to go up in a float plane . I also want to go to Friday Harbor for whale watching It 's going to be a very educational summer in the Pacific Northwest ! So I though you ought to know , after all that stuff about my dad 's careful calculations with the dynamite , that there is an ending to this story . By now , you probably know that my dad died of colon cancer when I was thirteen . He 'd been struggling with his disease for almost two years . When I was eleven , the whole family went into a different mode of living . We did only what we needed to do . It was a miracle that I still got to the library and piano lessons . All home improvements stopped . My brother mowed the lawn and we still maintained the weeds . But you should know that my dad didn 't have any extra energy for projects around the house . Oh , he tried to go to work , but sometimes they brought him home early . The dynamite he had hidden was forgotten . About eight years after my dad died , my brother decided to help my mom out by cleaning out the garage . My dad had never been the neatest person , though he always knew where he had last put something . My mom just wanted to find basic tools . I heard about this cleaning and clearing when I came home from college before my brother headed off to a new job out West . My brother found that dynamite , seven and a half sticks of it , all sweaty and expired , in a wooden box labeled ' DYNAMITE . ' It had been hidden under the work bench . My brother and I had sharpened knives on a stone there , soldered parts back together there , and generally chopped , sawed , and nailed stuff back together there . We hadn 't thought a bit about any banging or showers of sparks or vibrations . Sometimes being oblivious is a blessing . So , that day when my brother was cleaning my mother 's garage , he had to call the police department . They called the bomb squad . When they arrived , they evacuated the entire street . Men with Kevlar shields took the expired , sweaty dynamite wherever you take such things in a small town . I wouldn 't be surprised if it went back to the munitions depot . They left behind the box labeled ' DYNAMITE . ' Somehow , I ended up with the box . I love that box . I put dried flowers in it . Thank you for listening , jb So , I told you that my dad brought home expired dynamite from work . Well now , forty three years later , I 'm not absolutely sure that 's where it came from , but Daddy was an electronics engineer for the Navy . Hey , it was a munitions depot , so is so surprising that it could produce the only dynamite I 've ever seen in my fifty one years ? Well , Daddy also got a blasters handbook . For more than a week , he sat at the dining room table figuring out how much was the right amount of dynamite he needed to blow up that old stump in the back yard . It was like he had dynamite and this was the perfect excuse for him to use it . There he sat , with that little book , a slide rule , a mechanical pencil and a pad of graph paper . Where do you pick up a copy of a blaster 's handbook anyway ? I don 't really need to know because I inherited that handbook after my dad died . I was the one who went to engineering school , so my mother gave me all of his books . That 's my favorite book in his collection . But where did he get it ? Really ! It 's not like you could order it from Amazon . Wait , I just searched on Amazon and believe it or not , you can buy a number of different editions of The Blaster 's Handbook from them ! Way to go Amazon ! Still , the Internet wasn 't around back then , so I 'm not sure where he got it . Daddy wanted to talk out this problem of the dynamite and the stump . I know he talked to his carpool buddies because they magically showed up for three weekend mornings before the event and came early to our back yard on the designated day . But when Daddy was really working on a problem , he talked about it a lot , so he talked about it even to me . Maybe my mother was worried enough about this project that she asked him questions . I don 't know . Maybe he was just talking out loud and I happened to be there , interested enough in dynamite to listen to what he was saying . I 'll give him this - I never saw the dynamite before the day he blew up that stump . I have no idea where he hid it and I wasn 't about to go looking . After filling pages of graph paper with calculations I didn 't understand , he announced that either a half a stick or a quarter stick would be the right amount . I wasn 't sure why he didn 't go right to a third of a stick , but then I hadn 't learned about calculating maximums and minimums at the age of nine . I must have asked him which , assuming he 'd made some kind of error if he didn 't know more clearly than that . It made me nervous . At eight , I wanted a man to know exactly how much dynamite was needed for a job that was going to blow near my house . If he didn 't do it right , I imagined the back wall of the house could collapse and all the windows in the neighborhood could blow out . I had seen the movies . Finally , my dad convinced us all that he knew how much dynamite he needed to do the job . He had eight sticks of it . Then , he started another part of the job that made me a little more nervous . He decided to calculate how many pieces of that half of a stick of dynamite would blow the stump into chunks and how to wire it together to blow all at once . Here , I imagined that perfectly placed dynamite pieces would simultaneously blow and the stump would cascade down in a confetti of sawdust that was easy to rake up and throw on the compost heap . And while we were at it , maybe a shower of sparks should hang in the sky shaped like a chrysanthemum . The part that made me nervous was how Daddy was going to cut , break , tear , or file that half stick of dynamite into three pieces without it going off in our garage . I had seen enough episodes of ' Road Runner ' to know what could happen if my dad was the coyote instead of the road runner . After the tree got him in the leg , I was thinking he might be the coyote . I think my mom got tired of making coffee and serving cake to Jim , Sam , Rudy and my dad as they worked out how to wire that dynamite . I was personally glad to see them all there , glad they each agreed with my dad 's calculations . I could see how you could make a colossal mistake using a slide rule . ( Hey , did you know I 'm old e " Really good , " said Jim , grinning . I wanted to tell Jim I didn 't want it to be really good . Really good could be too big and my room was at the back of the house . " I think we 're ready , " my dad said . It was like they were planning to shoot off a rocket to the moon . This is how they worked . Did I tell you how they engineered our upright piano down the stairs and into the basement ? Another time , maybe . So there we were , in the backyard again . It was a hot Saturday afternoon . There was iced tea , Kool - Aid , and oatmeal cookies this time . The whole neighborhood had turned out . I would guess there were about thirty - five people standing mostly in Jim 's back yard staring at that stump . Daddy wouldn 't let anyone but his three buddies near the stump . They dug down around it and drilled three wide holes in the stump on opposite sides . They wired the red hunks of dynamite and dropped them into the holes . They connected the wires to a long wire that Daddy strung almost all the way across the yard to the edge of Jim 's yard . Daddy shouted for the kids to move back further onto Jim 's yard . Some of them hid behind trees and peeked out from behind them . I stood as close behind my dad as he would let me . I could see the little switch , a shiny metal lever . That was it ? No plunger ? My brother did the countdown . He had wanted to throw the switch , but my dad said he was going to be responsible for whatever was going to happen . What do you mean whatever was going to happen ? Ten , nine , eight . . . . I took a half a breath before it blew . It was louder than the firecrackers the town set off for the Fourth of July . One loud crack . It worked ! That stump flew fifteen or twenty feet straight up into the air . It seemed to hang there for a half a second , then it fell in one huge piece back into the hole it blew out of . Maybe Daddy should have used a whole stick . So , about three weeks later , after my dad 's bruise had turned funny shades of yellow and green , he decided it was time to get rid of that stump from the tulip poplar in the back yard . Now , working at a Navy base had its perks in 1968 . I 'm sure that now they 're more careful about expired and extra supplies , but back then , they periodically gave away what they didn 't want . There were some really cool things that came home from the base 's surplus equipment days - a used artillery shell that stood about 3 1 / 2 feet high that sounded like a cannon when you put a fire cracker into it , a cargo parachute that floated cargo that was about my size , and dynamite ! Well , to tell you the truth , I 'm not really sure if the dynamite came from the base or from somewhere else , like the Farm Bureau , but Daddy started figuring what to do with his dynamite . He spent a lot of time figuring . You know , I really want to tell you about the time we used that cargo parachute on a windy day . We 'd gone down to my grandparents ' house on a windy spring day . My mom made me wear long pants because it wasn 't warm enough for my usual tank top , shorts , and flip flops . Daddy had the idea that we could fly that parachute like a kite . Oh , and we did . We really did . Daddy 's parents lived in bottom land further South in Indiana than where we lived . There weren 't as many trees or hills there and it was a great place for flying our kites . Usually , we made our own kites out of newspaper and balsa wood . If I made a kite for that day , I don 't remember . If I did , it is probably up there still , plowed under and turned to dirt . We 'd walked out behind Grandma 's house , past the fairgrounds and up to the top of the Indian mound that was about a quarter of a mile away . Long ago , archaeologists had discovered the long mound , retrieved all the artifacts from it that they wanted , and abandoned the site . My grandpa had a great arrowhead collection . I even have an arrowhead from searching around up there after they 'd plowed the fields in spring . The Native Americans were long gone , except what was in our blood . My grandpa used to tell us how his grandmother was a full - blooded Cherokee . There was a picture of a woman that Grandma showed me and my sister has shown me where she is on the family tree . I always wondered if the arrowheads were Cherokee , but I doubt it . Southern Indiana was Shawnee country and the Cherokees were from further South and East in Tennessee . On that windy day , it was still too cold and wet for the farmers to have plowed and there were rows of stubbly corn stalks about six inches tall . I was glad I hadn 't worn flip flops since the corn rows were hard to walk on and the furrows between were still muddy . Daddy got the parachute out of it 's canvas pouch and let it billow open in the wind . It was beautiful , like a hot - air balloon , only white . I waited for my turn , knowing that saying anything wouldn 't put me further ahead in the line . Even Grandma wanted a turn to hold onto that parachute , her red and white dress billowing up a little , mirroring the chute . She held it with one hand and held the other at her side holding her dress down . It seemed like my dad went according to age , oldest to youngest . It was going to take forever . I started to kick clods of dirt until my mother grabbed me by the elbow and told me not to get dirty . My mom could walk through a pig sty and come out white on the other side . I , on the other hand , could walk through a clean room and get a black stripe across my shirt . It was a gift she didn 't appreciate in me . I 'm not sure I do either . Finally , the afternoon threatened to end , the sun was low in the horizon , my shoes caked in mud , and my jeans had a brown hem . Daddy turned to me and asked if I wanted a turn . You didn 't have to ask me twice . I took the line , grinned , and hoped for a gust of wind . Boy , I got one . That first second I had hold of the parachute , it bucked in my hands . I held on like a pro , but I ran forward with it trying to relieve some of the pressure of holding it . Then I made my nearly - fatal mistake . I jumped up with the joy of it . The parachute saw it 's opportunity , picked me up and flew ! I went way higher than I would have jumped out of a tree . Then I landed , not too hard , but not on my feet and I was dragged along a row of corn stubble . It hurt , but I held on . Did I tell you that by that age , about eight , I 'd been water - skiing for three years and the main thing you had to do was to stay upright and hang on . So I hung on . The parachute lifted me up to standing and I jumped again . I knew I 'd never get a chance to feel this weightless again . I took great long leaps , ten , maybe fifteen feet at a stride . I was like one of the astronauts on the moon , taking one giant leap . " Let go ! " Daddy screamed well behind me . I didn 't want to let go . I wanted to fly like the barn swallows that swooped for bugs in the evening air . I dropped and touched my toes onto the ground but was popped right back up again . " Let go ! " Daddy 's voice was even further behind me . I looked back and could see him running . They were all running . I really didn 't want to lose that parachute . This was great ! " Let go ! I could barely hear him , but this time I could hear fear in Daddy 's voice . Fear . That was a new one . I let go , hoping our parachute wasn 't gone forever . It billowed and rolled , but losing its ballast , it lost lift and came down in some raspberry brambles at the North end of the mound . I layed there in the mud , covered in scratches and let them examine me for damage . I was fine . I had flown . After that , Daddy always tied the parachute , on a windy day , to a tree . Thank you for listening , jb Did I ever tell you the story about blowing up the stump ? It feels like I told that story a million times . See , when I was about ten , there was a tree that got struck by lightening in our back yard . Chunks of it had been thrown across the clearing and there were jagged lines of dead grass around it . It was a big tulip poplar next to our sand box , about fifteen inches in diameter , but at least thirty where it widened out at grass level . Now , sometimes cutting down a tree isn 't a straightforward process even for an electrical engineer . Tree guys can figure out stresses , weights , and cut angles when dropping a tree , but my dad saw a tree with just two branches and no nearby obstacles except our ancient swing set . Besides , my dad liked to do things himself . Some time I should tell you about the grand patio that he built out of pieces of hand - chipped limestone . Oh , that thing was a marvel . Another time , though . As usual , my dad gathered his carpool buddies to talk about the problem . Now , his carpool buddies were all engineers except Phil , who was a forester . Phil was out sailing that day . Jim , who lived next door , was a mechanical engineer . His daughters were my best friends and were there for all of these engineering festivities . Sam , was an older guy , an electronics technician who always stood with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth while he talked . His daughter was too much older , prettier , and cooler to be seen at one of these shin digs . Rudy was also an electrical engineer . His little boy , Timmy , was only three but he could read already . There were a half a dozen other kids in the yard and at least four moms . My mom made a pitcher of iced tea and another of Koolaid and handed it out to everybody . It was a hot summer day and the glasses and Dixie cups were sweating before she got them off the tray . Then , she stood to one side and gossiped with the neighborhood moms about anything but that tree . All we needed was some sparklers and a hot dog and it would have felt like the Fourth of July . Eventually , they were done talking and my brother was volunteered to climb up the tree and tie a rope around each of the two main branches . One branch went almost straight up and the other bent out at an angle . Each was about eight inches in diameter . Proving his manhood , my brother climbed the extension ladder as high as he could , shimmied up the trunk and a ways up each branch , tied them with ropes that had been looped through his belt loops , and came back down without falling . The rest of us kids were conscribed to pull on the rope as a branch was cut . This was supposed to apply pressure above the cut and bring the branch down in the open space in the back yard in case it had the inclination to fall in a different direction . That sounded fun . With our red Kool - Aid moustaches and flip flops , we started pulling on the rope right away in the hopes that our combined strength would prove hardier than the branch . It didn 't . Then my dad fired up the chain saw . The moms walked around to the other side of the yard with their iced teas so they could hear to talk , only one eye among them on the festivities in case someone got hurt . My dad moved his extension ladder to the back of the tree and climbed to the third rung . He cut half way through the bent branch from the top . Then he got the blade pinched by cutting from the bottom . He wrangled with the chainsaw . We pulled extra hard on the rope , tightening the pinched blade even more . Sam told us to swing around to the right a bit , the blade came out , and my dad revved it up again . Just then , there was a loud crack and the branch came down before we could swing back around to the clearing . As the rope slackened , I ran as hard as I could away from the tree . Small branches and leaves lashed at my face and shoulders . All of us kids except my brother ended up flat on the ground under all those little branches . The moms took one group step forward , but stopped as we all stood up . We had some small cuts , but nothing we 'd go to our moms for . For the second cut , Jim climbed the ladFor just a moment , the severed branch still balanced on the main stump , but suddenly , its base shot toward the clearing as the rest of it fell in the other direction . We scattered , but not fast enough . That branch caught my dad square in the thigh . He looked down at his leg , jumped back too late , but was never knocked down . Instantly , he had a bright purple bruise that was the width of the branch , almost as wide as his own leg . I could tell it hurt , but after a bit , he said , " It 's not broken . " And he grinned . My dad watched his friends finish off the stump from a lawn chair with a bag of ice on his bruise . They cut some nice rounds for the fireplace , but they just couldn 't seem to cut that stump at grass level . The blade was too short and the angle too awkward . " The mower is never going to make it across that , " I heard my dad tell my mom quietly . " We 're going to have to take out that stump . " Ah , I thought , we 're going to have another engineering festival soon . So today , I took the boys , Nick and Adrian , to the local street festival . They marched in the parade in their Scout uniforms and helped the older Scouts with keeping the street clean . For that , they will earn a small badge and they were both willing and cheerful about it . After that , we walked around , they spent the hot cash that was burning a hole in their pockets , we ate , and we talked to friends . My favorite part is seeing friends while theirs is the chance to spend all the money they might have . It 's always junk , the stuff they come home with , except for last year when a one guy was turning wands on a lathe and selling them for a reasonable price . Those wands were beautiful . He didn 't have a booth this year , so we were back to junk . Usually , I love the street fair , but this time , my heart wasn 't in it . Mike stayed at home to get some rest if not actual sleep . I found myself telling my better friends and some of Mike 's how hard the last few weeks have been with this sleepless illness of his . I cried when one friend was especially sympathetic . Usually , I 'm in my chatty glory , glad to see all the community gathered and having a good time . Even other times when it rained , I wanted to stay to the end and help people take down tents . There are food booths and crafts , but my church is always there giving away bubbles and bottles of water . The historical society hangs a bunch of old photos and sells their books . I 'll volunteer there some day . I love those old photos . The food pantry collects donations and cans of food . They support more than sixty families a week . My favorite librarians are usually handing out fliers for the summer reading program , and the Humane Society often brings a few dogs to get adopted . And don 't forget that there are great junky toys to be had for an easy price . It 's a nice celebration . But early on , I wanted to go home , to see how Mike had done . The boys had spent their money and were starting to bicker , so we left at two , long before the tents were supposed to come down and the road open to traffic again . When we got home , Mike had done a load of dishes and was picking up in the den . He was glad to see us , he said , and was trying to burn up some nervous energy . " Hey hon , " he said , " would you mind if we went over to the festival for just a little bit ? " " Sure , " I said , sighing silently . " If you get out and walk a little , it might help you sleep tonight . " We tumbled back into the car and went . Mike bought more junky toys for the tired kids and was ready to come home within twenty minutes . Thank you for listening , jb Remember that I told you that my dad liked to talk to me about his work ? I wonder how it feels to be so passionate about engineering and to have no one at home to talk to about it except a nine - year - old girl . I know my dad wanted my brother to work on electronics with him , but my brother had no interest in it , absolutely none . My brother wanted to be outside . The two of them had a real connection when it came to camping and getting along outdoors , but my dad had a real sadness that my brother didn 't like engineering . I remember thinking , " But what about me ? I 'm here . " Back then , girls just weren 't encouraged to show an interest in engineering . I know it 's changed a little , but just a little . I didn 't really love building things the way my dad did . I just wanted to know how they worked . Daddy got that and boy , did he explain . One Saturday afternoon , I went downstairs to tell my dad that lunch was ready . He was in his den . I couldn 't imagine how he liked being down there . It was a corner room of the basement . The floors were bare concrete , the kind that could chill my legs to the knees in the summer . The walls were bare concrete too , painted white . There was only one small high window on the East wall and Daddy had a pull - chain bulb in the middle of the room to work by . That meant that if he wasn 't in there , I had to creep through the dark with one arm waving in front of me to try to feel the chain . Oh , that room was scary . I had to pass the furnace to get there and the furnace made noises that sounded like it was alive even though it was a big blue metal box . I used to imagine that my dad had captured the basement monsters and held them prisoner in there . But my dad loved being in his den . If it was fixed up , then other people would have liked being in there too and he wouldn 't have been able to do so many neat things or sit and think which he always seemed to be doing when I came in . So that afternoon , when I walked in , my dad was fiddling around with an oscilloscope . I loved the little green waves on the screen and touched it almost afraid that he 'd tell me to stop . My dad got a sparkle in his eyes . " Not your face , the sound waves , " he said . I always thought of Grandpa Bill 's blue boat when I thought of waves . I thought my dad must be joking with me about these waves . " Real sound , " he said . He walked deeper into his den and came back with some wires , clips , and other stuff . He started connecting them to the oscilloscope . " Okay , " I said , doubtfully . I stood and watched as he played with the oscilloscope 's knobs , explaining what he was doing as he went . I had no idea what he meant when he said something about the ' frequency range of the human voice ' and he said something else about ' hurts . ' Now , I know that the word is ' Hertz , ' the measurement for frequency . I saw some lines on the screen . That was neat . He popped his big finger on the top of a cheap microphone , probably from the tape recorder my brother had that didn 't work any more . After he adjusted a few more knobs , I could see lines on the screen every time he did that . Cool ! Then , he handed me the microphone and said , " Sing ! " Oh my God , I could see my own voice . Then my dad started talking faster , about a sine waves and frequency . He said that if I made my voice very simple , I could sing a sine wave . It took some figuring out , but I did it . Then he told me to sing higher and I could see the lines had closer humps . When I sang lower , there were fewer humps . The really funny thing was that it was such a great line on the oscilloscope , I thought that had to be my best singing , but it wasn 't . It was strangely flat sounding . When I went back to my nice voice , my dad got all excited again . " Look ! There are your overtones ! " I didn 't get it about overtones until much later either , but I saw them , little tight spikes in the waves like a heartbeat . My dad moved the wave up and down on the screen , talking about voltage . I just kept singing and singing into that cheap microphone as my dad adjusted the wave , showing me things . We both loved it . " Hey , didn 't I send you down here to ask your dad about lunch ? " I heard my mom say from outside the den . Play time was over . We had to go eat . So , once in a while , when no one is listening because it really doesn 't sound pretty , I 'll sing a sine wave . It 's for my dad if his soul is out there listening . It 's for me . So , I 'm sorry about the cistern piece . It was really lame and crabby . It 's been hard to be funny , even to write about anything that isn 't happening right now . Yet , I 've been avoiding this subject , the one that 's really important to me . See , Mike 's been having trouble sleeping . At the doctor the other day , I realized that he can name the day , so now I can name it . He 's had trouble since April 20th , when he started taking an antibiotic called azithromax . He thinks there could be a link . The doctors went right over that one , but there are plenty of comments about it on the Internet . Now , when I say Mike 's having trouble sleeping , I 'm not talking about sleeping five or six hours and slogging to work sleepy . I 'm talking about not being able to sleep more than an hour without help from a prescription . And now we have prescriptions in the house that make me nervous to leave laying around . Mike isn 't napping either . Most people who have insomnia can sometimes nap during the day to catch up a little . Long - term sleep deprivation can result in depression , hallucinations , lowered immune system , and even , in extreme situations , death . This doesn 't even include the fact that your decision - making abilities are altered with sleep deprivation . Remember that warning not to use dangerous machinery while using certain drugs that affect your ability to make decisions ? A car can be dangerous machinery . So these days , I 'm just happy when Mike gets home from work . By now , Mike has three doctors for this problem , an endocrinologist , a sleep specialist , and a psychiatrist . And he 's a changed man . I can 't tell you how disturbing that is . I don 't mind taking up the slack with things that need to be done , but the quiet shuffle of his feet and the way his pants hang slack on his backside bothers me . He doesn 't know the answers to questions and he has lost a lot of his sparkle , including that snarky sense of humor that used to drive me nuts . I miss that sense of humor . He has very little appetite . I miss the way he enjoyed the food I made for him , too . He has been extra affectionate , but I think that 's just because he really doesn 't feel well and he needs me . Many nights , I 've slept in the recliner as he 's lying on the couch when he can 't sleep . It makes him feel better that I 'm there with him , even though I 'm asleep . I wonder if I 'd wake up if he was in trouble . It 's a problem that 's a lot like what I have when Nickie is having trouble breathing . Nickie has been worrying about him too . Mike hasn 't had the enthusiasm with Nickie or the energy to do what they usually do together . Last night , Nickie couldn 't get to sleep because he told me that he 'd had a bad thought . He said that he had started to think about what would happen to him if something bad happened to one of us . ' Well , Nickie , ' I wanted to say , ' something is happening . No wonder you 're worried . ' I didn 't . I just listened for a minute longer as he talked . Yeah , I actually managed to listen to him instead of talking myself . Amazing . Then I told him that we were doing okay so far and trying to get help for his dad 's problem . I couldn 't tell him that there was nothing to worry about . I can 't lie to Nickie that way . Instead , I sat in the chair in Nick 's room as he fell asleep and read my favorite blogs . Have you read the sweet blog by Nat the Fat Rat ? So here 's what Mike has done to get help . He started with his regular doctor who did no tests and put him on Ambien . He treated it as a classic case of insomnia and said that Mike 's blood tests from last year were fine , so . . . . Somehow , this doctor missed the fact that Mike was sleeping last year when the blood tests were taken . Mike tried the Ambien , but he said he felt like it was just masking his symptoms . He slept for about five or six hours a night for a couple of weeks until the Ambien abruptly stopped working . Kaput . Nothing . So then , I managed to get him an appointment with an endocrinologists who didn 't require a referral . This doctor really got going , bless her . She took eight vials of blood in a fasting blood draw , scheduled an ultrasound to check his gall bladder and liver , and scheduled a sleep study . She said that problems with the liver can sometimes show up as an inability to sleep . Thankfully , his ultrasound was fine , no liver or gall bladder issues , and his blood work only showed three things : an elevation of LDL cholesterol , the bad one , ( no surprise considering Mike 's diet ) , an elevation of cortisol , explaining the lack of sleep , and an elevation of ACTH , a hormone released by the pituitary gland . She told him that the ACTH causes release of cortisol and is usually related to stress . So she prescribed Lorazapam and Effexor and referred him to a psychiatrist . She also said that if it wasn 't stress , the problem could be a pituitary tumor . Now , that 's going to make it hard to calm down . I think my ACTH levels are rising . Still , I 'm glad she was honest with him . So Mike came home that night and whispered with me in the kitchen while Nickie did his reading . Mike didn 't want Nickie to hear the word tumor . I didn 't want to hear the word tumor either . I swear , the weeks before any test regarding a tumor are the worst . In my mind , I 've been through the whole process before it 's happened . You might remember that when I was just a little older than Nick , this same process started with my dad , ending in tIn all of this , it feels like Mike 's body has become a stew pot into which the doctor 's can throw different chemicals to see what happens next . Is any of it helping ? I don 't know . Mike is getting about four to six hours of interrupted sleep a night on most nights . That 's an improvement , but not enough to live on long term . I 'm really hoping his sleep study next week reveals something that we can work with . I 'm really hoping that one of these drugs starts to help Mike without disrupting his life with its side - effects . I 'm hoping that the doctors stay curious about his problem . There 's no doctor better than one who is curious . I 'm hoping that the therapist can teach Mike some useful techniques for relaxing and let him talk out his issues . And I 'd love to see Mike napping on the couch . I 'm standing in the neighborhood pump house waiting for the cistern to fill . The wet cement smell is making my nose itch , but the cranky boy in the house is more difficult to bear . He missed the bus , didn 't finish the homework he needed to do , and is nervous about talking to his teacher about it . I 'm not just avoiding his crankiness . The shut - off valve to our thousand gallon cistern broke and we 're periodically filling it then shutting it off before it overflows . I have to go pick up the new one on Wednesday morning when it comes in . We have lived in this house for twenty years now . My least favorite thing about my house and neighborhood is the community well . No , that 's not true . My least favorite thing about living here is human nature . See , we used to divide the work and cost of taking care of the well . When we first lived here , the other neighbors took care of billing us , paying the power bill , and maintaining the system . We were oblivious . Then , the main pump quit and we all met to discuss what to do . Together , while sitting in our living room with cheese and crackers on the coffee table , we decided to divide the work . That seemed fair . So Mike and I took responsibility for billing until it was time to rotate again . We also decided , as a group , that each family should pay fifteen dollars a month until we had a monetary buffer of fifteen hundred dollars for when something failed . That way , a family didn 't have to face an unexpected cost of three or four hundred dollars if a line broke or a pump died . The money would be in the account . Either Mike or I sent out monthly bills for ten years . Seldom , did more than half of the neighbors pay the bill . It bothered me since the county wanted to take over the system , and everyone fought it because that would more than double our costs . If one of our neighbors had decided not to pay the county , I 'm sure they would have turned their water off , but they knew we wouldn 't do that to them . I also took a sample of the water to be tested every six months . It wasn 't a hard job , but it involved bleach and lots of calls when the water failed the test . We figured out that the tests only failed when it had been raining a lot and leaf mold seeped down into the well . I could smell it . It smelled like autumn leaves . The people at the testing company said we were all probably used to the leaf mold by now , but we decided to get a water cooler for our house anyway . I love my water cooler . It was funny that when we first got it , it made me feel truly wealthy . It wasn 't that expensive and suddenly we all drank water instead of something else . That 's a healthy choice . Nickie was only three then and he called it ' glug glug . ' He still asks for water more often than juice or soda . Eventually , I got aggravated enough that people didn 't pay and convinced another neighbor to take over the job of billing . She sent out bills regularly for three months then quit . After four years of no one contributing , the account was emptied and the power company threatened her that they were going to turn the power off . No power . No pump . No water . In the meantime , there were people who had moved into the neighborhood and moved out again and never once paid for water . Now that really yanked my chain . See , there 's that human nature . Last Sunday , Adrian 's mom called saying the water was off and my responsible husband , Mike , took care of it . She was having a party . Mike and I were invited to the party , but Mike was going to be busy for the next hour or two . Another of our neighbors , Clive , came down to try to help , but Mike gently shooed him off . Clive likes to try to do stuff to the pump , but he thinks he 's better at mechanical things than he really is and Mike has to fix almost all of what Clive fixes . Mike is always the one that people call when the water goes off or turns brown . I get aggravated that everyone assumes that he should be responsible , as if he has nothing else important to do and they can spend his time however they want . We have another neighbor , Bill , who is good at that kind of work , but he and his wife aren 't friendly neighbors . I brought a pie and a hooded towel set over when they had their baby , and his wife only opened the door a few inches to talk through it to me . She took the gifts though . No one calls Bill when the water goes out . My parents were wrong when they taught me that people should be fair and I 'm still paying the price for having that ingrained into my psyche . I get really irritated when people don 't even try . Remember , I said I hate human nature ? I try not to let any of the neighbors know how irritated I get when they call at dinner time or 11 : 30 pm , but Mike knows . If they are on the phone , I try to sound pleasant . Clive got it into his head to call Mike every time he bought a new appliance and wanted to save the twenty bucks , the cost of having the delivery guys haul it off . And he used to expect us to take care of their cats on a moments notice when they went away on vacation . Clive never asks , just tells me to send Todd up the hill . He never thanks us and it pisses me off . So , there 's that human nature again . Even though it 's our water too , I 'm too resentful to go help the neighbors by filling the cistern . They don 't deserve it . Still , I am willing to help Mike . Mike is a good guy . He 's worth helping and he 's had a really hard time lately , so I freely help him . And maybe that 's human nature too . Tonight , I 'm going to sleep in a lawn chair inside a bivy inside a sleeping bag under the stars . I love sleeping this way . The lawn chair keeps my old back from aching and the bivy is like a one - man tent with no poles and keeps the dew , light rain , and mosquitos out . I still get to breathe fresh air and look up at the stars in the middle of the night . I miss being in with Mike , but it 's worth it . Nick is in with Adrian and his parents in a two - room tent . We are camping with about nine Cub Scouts and their families on an island in Puget Sound . People have brought sisters , brothers , two dogs , and one puppy . Dinner was great . It 's amazing how good hamburgers and hot dogs taste outside . They even had salads ! Mike spent all afternoon making peach cobbler and pumpkin - pie cake in Dutch ovens over the camp fire . I only had a bite of each , but they were delicious . We had a great campfire too . Mike , usually a quiet guy , gets up at Scouting events and tells stories , leads songs , and encourages the boys to do skits . They are usually really bad , but the boys love doing it and we always seem to laugh at the right time . The favorites usually involve rolling in the dirt and making gross sounds . I 'm going to tuck in now . Good night and thanks for listening , jb I have to confess something . It felt right . It felt wrong . I don 't know which feeling to trust . Maybe it 's only accurate to say I must feel both at the same time . I just killed my son 's hamster . She had a tumor that had grown out of control . It had grown into the makings of a horror movie , a large fleshy mass at her side . If she had a mean bone in her body , she would have been scary , but she was so very sweet . My friend Kris wanted me to do something last week . I wanted to bring her to the vet , but it got past that . I didn 't want to hear the question , ' Why did you wait so long ? ' even in my own head . Tuffcake was struggling , to move , to eat . Two days ago , I gave her a lettuce leaf and she took it with some enthusiasm . Tonight , I gave her an asparagus flower , one of her favorites , and she held it for a moment then dropped it . This was a completely premeditated killing . I woke up this morning knowing that I was going to do something . Anything . One Sunday when I was just twenty , my cat came home with a baby rabbit that she had caught . Somehow , she 'd peeled most of the skin off of this poor thing . She was proud of herself . I was in tears . Before I could chicken out , I grabbed a large rock and smashed the bunny 's skull . It twitched and was dead . It was awful . I cried all the way to church and well into the services . I 'm sure it hurt that bunny a lot even though it was quick . I thought about getting a big rock for Tuffcake , but I knew I couldn 't do it that way again . I looked it up on the Internet . Did you know that if you google ' humane small pet euthanasia ' it shows you how you can set it up using vinegar and baking soda to make carbon dioxide ? I remembered that in the movie Apollo 13 , they had an excess of carbon dioxide building up in the lunar module and the engineers had to use parts the astronauts would have on board to design a square plug to go into a round hole for the filter they had up there . I switched my evil plan to dry ice and added melancholy music because I understood how to use dry ice and I felt that Tuffcake deserved the higher quality that dry ice and good music would bring to her services . I set up the dry ice to go into a bowl with water , covered it with saran wrap , and then I taped a bundle of flexible straws into the edge . This is the part where I started feeling how creepy the whole thing was . Then I retrieved an extra large bottle that had contained olive oil from the recycling bin . I cut it in half and made it so I could fit it back together . I thought that Tuffcake might like the smell of the bottle . She liked trying different flavors , avocado , kitty kibble , olives , kale , chard , strawberries , cherries , unsalted peanuts in their shell . I hoped she 'd like the olive oil smell , but I cleaned it out anyway and dried it well . Being desert creatures , hamsters don 't like being wet . Then I filled it with tiny fabric scI handed Tuffcake the asparagus before I picked her up . I figured it might hurt to touch her , but she just sniffed my fingers . She always seemed comforted by being picked up except the one time Mike tried to pick her up with vinyl gloves on because he was trying to clean her house and she bit him . Mike was really sweet with me today despite the rift that bite had made between him and Tuffcake . I cried in the morning when I told him about my plan and he held me . I cried after we got back with the dry ice and he hugged me some more . I cried again when Mike took Nickie into bed and read to him even though it was my night to read from our book . I cried as I wrapped Tuffcake in pink and green ovals I 'd once thought I 'd make into a wedding ring quilt . I knew I 'd never find a better use for those pieces . I wanted Tuffcake to be wrapped in something nice , not just scraps . Just then , Nickie got up to go find an action figure he wanted and he asked Mike to get him a drink of water . There I was , running into the laundry room and hiding with Tuffcake wrapped in those quilt pieces , snot threatening to run down my nose , and nothing to say if he caught me . Thankfully , Nick didn 't look at the setup I had going on in the living room in too much detail . I stayed quiet . I had half a thought to bring Tuffcake to Nick for a little petting , but I really didn 't want him to make any connections between her and that contraption . Mike herded Nick back into his bedroom and I prepared myself for another killing . I put Tuffcake down into the bottle . She was so sick , she didn 't even try to get out . She just sat quietly while I got the lid put on and the straw bundle jammed down into the neck of the bottle . Then I peeled back the saran wrap and dumped in all the dry ice , hoping it was enough . The worst part of the whole thing was when she squeaked and tried to get her nose out to the edge where I had cut the bottle in half . The bottle didn 't go back together as tightly as I 'd like because of the grips on the sides . Oh , she squeaked . Four times , she squeaked before she settled down . It took five minutes before she stopped moving , but I wasn 't convinced yet , so I waited . And I waited some more . I 'm glad about the music I put on because Nickie got up again , this time to go to the bathroom . The dry ice was still bubbling and despite the music , he wanted to know what that noise was . I wasn 't about to leave and I gave Mike those ' please help me keep my boy from seeing this ' eyes . By that time , Tuffcake hadn 't moved in about twenty minutes . Oh , it was almost as awful as those four little squeaks , to hear Nickie chatting to Mike through the bathroom door . He wanted me to write that silly thing about the puppies : There are things that make a killing surreal . Reciting kid jokes , even scrambling for a piece of paper to write it down , all the while hoping that your poor anesthetized hamster didn 't wake up while you were absent , is one of them . I really wanted to have a proper ceremony , but the contraption and trying to hide it all from Nick make it strange , even creepy . It was hard to try and sound normal while he chatted with me through the door too . I just wanted to be standing there to block the view into the living room . It sounds strange , even to me , to go to such lengths to shield Nick from all of this . Nickie and I held his last hamster on our laps when she died of old age four years ago . The only thing wrong with the picture then was that we watched television while it happened . Nick knows death in a small way , but I didn 't want him to see Tuffcake die , especially this way , especially with the hideous tumor trying to take over her tiny body , especially in a strange contraption that looked an awful lot like the experiments we did when we got dry ice for something . Nick liked doing experiments with dry ice . Throwing a hamster into the mix wasn 't a part of that schooling . Mike finally got Nick to sleep , the dry ice was fizzling out , an hour had passed , and Tuffcake hadn 't moved . We decided to tell Nick that Tuffcake had died in the morning . I wrapped Tuffcake in more fabric and put her into a cardboard box so I could bury her in the morning . Prayers and services will follow the burial . After I was finished , I sent a text to my friend , Kris . It 's sunny and 68 degrees . We 're in the truck and headed to Alki to bike on the trail . Since it 's one of the first sunny days , a weekend day no less , everyone and her brother will be out too . I don 't care . We 're going to bike in the sun at the edge of the Puget Sound . Maybe it 'll be low tide and we can see starfish and sea anemones . We have Rainier cherries and carrots and some other snacks . When we get hungry , we 'll stop at Spuds for fish and chips ! I love Spuds . I wish we had time to take the water taxi to the Seattle waterfront , but the summer is young . Adrian is coming over for a sleepover with Nick and we 're going to roast hot dogs and marshmallows in the fire pit . My house is a mess , but life is too good to hang around at home and clean . Thanks for listening , jb I am sleeping in a covered wagon in woods with two ten year old girls . One girl was scared and the other wasn 't , but said she wished that her mom had come , that she was trying to be more grown up . I told Sara , the one who was afraid , to tuck into the quilt I 'd made , close her eyes , breathe deeply , and name the people who love her . That 's what I do with Nick when he can 't sleep . Their teachers are talking quietly in the wagon next to ours . It 's a comforting sort of sound . Tree frogs are singing . They almost sound like crickets , but it 's a fuller sound and a little more sing - song . I can hear horses and an occasional car on the road . I 'll be able to sleep after spending the day helping twenty - nine kids in groups of six cut potatos , carrots , and potatoes for stew , apples and crumbles for apple crisp , and dough for fry bread . The kids were so proud that they made most of the meal and I was happy that no one cut themselves . Some of them had never held a knife . I was glad that Nicky knew just what he was doing with the knife . He 's in an open - air cabin . It has a roof , but it feels fresh and a little dewy already . I hope he can sleep . I hope the dad who is with him is kind if he can 't . Most if the men here are kind , but there was one that I was glad didn 't end up being in a cabin with Nick . His boy is rough and bullies the other kids . Dads usually have a lot to do with that . I 'm going to sleep now . I brought all of my pillows . I should be comfortable and warm in my sleeping bag . Good night and thanks for listening , jb I 'm just about to leave for Pioneer Camp with my boy . I can 't wait , but he 's not happy . He says he 's going to miss his dad , his cat , and the television . I think he 'll have a great time once he gets there . We 're supposed to imagine that we 're traveling by wagon train across the country before it was settled . I 'm going to be working with the kids to cook . We 're having jerky , beans , stew , buffalo burgers ( made out of real buffalo ) , pancakes , and bacon . I packed a bag with some salad , fruit , and just a little chocolate . I 'm going to be sleeping in a cabin shaped like a wagon with four girls . I figure if any of them has trouble in the night , I can slip them a square of chocolate and it will help . It 's like the way the professor gave Harry Potter chocolate after the dementors tried to suck his soul out of him . I 've embraced that since I read it and it 's just supported all that much more since I learned that chocolate helps to release endorphins in your brain . I 'm almost in camp mode . I like being outside . It makes me feel better . I sometimes wish I had an outdoor kitchen and shower for when the weather is warm enough . Our camp this weekend is going to be cold and wet . It 'll get down to 50 degrees tonight and no higher than 56 degrees today and tomorrow . Welcome to the Pacific Northwest . I 'll be living in my layers with the long red Goretex jacket Mike bought for me a couple of years ago . When he gave it to me , I told him that if I 'm ever lost in the woods , they 'll be able to see me via satellite . Ha ! Never buy your child a green rain jacket . Red . Orange . Those are good colors for people who might get lost in the woods . So , I 've got to go . Wish me luck . I think we 'll all have some fun , but you never know with camping . Since we aren 't far from home , I won 't worry about being stuck there .
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Tag : Horror A Haunted House Story I do not have a name , but I 've been called many things . I have been called a demon , a ghost , a poltergeist , a spirit and even the boogeyman . However , I have no memory from before this incorporeal existence to confirm or deny any such names . I have no eyes yet I can see , I have no ears yet I can hear . I do not have a body , I have no shape . If I strain my will I can mimic a human 's . If I will it I can move objects with my thoughts . However , both take a great toll on me and grow more and more difficult as the number of witnesses increases . I do not know what I am , but I know am very old . I can not escape the property of the house I was born in . An old 1937 American Foursquare . A very square looking home sitting in a rather average American suburb . My cage reaches as far as the sidewalk where I can watch people pass by but never follow . I do not believe I was born with the house as my memories only reach as far back as near the end of World War II . I lived with the Stockley family at the time . William Stockley was the master of the house and was married to his wife Ann . They had three children , two boys and a young girl named Ashley . Both boys joined the war and never returned . Like any young thing I craved attention and tortured the family with mischief . If the Stockleys could not find something , it was because I hid it . If they heard sounds at night , it was me banging on the walls . My youthful antics never scared the Stockleys away . Time , however , made much faster work . Ashley had grown up , married and moved away . William and Ann stubbornly stayed in the home till they both grow old . One night , not long after the 70 's had started , William sat in his study reading while Ann slept . William suffered a heart attack and died on the floor . He did not join me as a spirit of any kind , he just simply ceased being alive and I could do nothing to aid him . It was the first time I truly realized how helpless my existence was . Ann moved in with her daughter and I never saw any of the Stockleys again . I was left abandoned for a while after that . I felt loneliness for the first time . However , soon a new family moved into the home . I remember it was around the time a nuclear scare happened not far from the home . Protests were a topic of conversation as the Grahams had moved in . Donald and Maria Graham and their two children Mark and Robert . I was much more reclusive with the Grahams . I was much more brooding and withdrawn . Always watching , but no longer trying to be heard . I had long since stopped trying to test my limits . The Grahams lived a rather uneventful life . I watched them for years go about their dull lives . I kept my distance , stayed unattached . They grow older and eventually left . They moved out west for a better job . This lead to the Youngs moving in . A modern family for a more modern age . Jane and Hank were the parents , both worked for a living . Elizabeth was their daughter , the kind of girl that would put posters of then - popular boy bands on her room walls . James was the youngest and most fascinating in the family . James was broken and everyone else in the family ignored it . He was thirteen when I first met him . As I observed him , he observed others much the same way . He would spend hours alone and the rest of his family seemed happy to be away from him . His room was his sanctuary ; a place he could be his true self . He changed when he left his room , he faked normalcy . Any breach of his sanctuary caused him to turn violent . The first time I saw this was when he nearly broke his older sister 's arm slamming it in the door . So his family avoided trying to break into his world . As he grew older , James grew worse . He had a terrible fascination with death . What started with books and pictures grew into him sneaking corpses of small animals into his room . When he was fourteen he started to sneak out of the house at night . Going where I could not follow and coming back hours later . He had a habit of writing when he was upset . Often words or phrases in repeat like a mantra . Most often he would call his family and anyone else around him a liar . He seemed to think that everyone around him lied to him when they spoke of things like love and wanting the best of him . He hated them for it . He then started to collect knives . It all came to a conclusion when he was fifteen . After one of his night trips out he came home with a handgun wrapped in a towel . The kind with a clip and sliding barrel , I had never seen one outside of what books and newspapers I could read around the house . He calmly grabbed a nasty looking knife with at least a 7 - inch blade , out of a table drawer . He stuck the handgun in the back of his pants and calmly and carefully snuck into his sister 's room . He looked at her sleeping in her bed for a moment before grabbing a pillow and violently holding it over her face with one hand . He took his knife with the other hand and started stabbing the knife into the blankets his sister occupied . She screamed for a moment into the pillow but repeated stabs to her chest and lungs prevented her from giving much resistance . When Elizabeth stopped moving James looked down at his work . After he was content he slowly started walking to his parents ' room . No longer comfortable just observing I tried to warn them . After a bit of effort , I managed to knock a lamp by their bedside off a table causing it to smash on the floor . They both awoke , but were completely unaware of the danger heading towards them . James walked into their room and saw that they were no longer sleeping . In a single motion , he dropped his bloody knife and pulled out his gun . It was still dark and his parents did not have time to figure out what their son was holding before he pulled back the slide on the pistol and fired several shots into each of them . James looked at each of what used to be his parents and simply walked away . He went back to his room , pulled out another clip for his gun , collected his knife and started walking towards the front door . I realized he was not going to stop . He was going to keep killing till the police killed him . I was horrified and furious as he walked toward the end of my cage . I focused all of my will power on him , trying to stop him from moving . In a flash , my point of view had changed . I was now holding a gun and stopped several feet from the door . I had possessed him . I was in control of his body , but I did not know for how long . I pulled the slide back on the gun like James had done not long before and put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger . With a thud , I was once again watching a boy bleeding on the floor , lifeless . The police arrived not long after . The house was closed off , the bodies collected . It all seemed to go by in a blur . It was not long till I was alone again . I could hear people talk as they passed the house . Another version of what happened emerged from the murder - suicide the police had reported . They said that this house is haunted . That a spirit had possessed the boy to kill his family and then himself . Perhaps it was because they could not comprehend anyone doing what James had done . However , I never felt more alone . Author bluehero45Posted on October 22 , 2016October 23 , 2016Categories CreepypastaTags creepy , Creepy pasta , Creepypasta , Horror , Madness , Mental Health , Paranoia , Scary story , short stories , Short Story , Short StorysLeave a comment on A Haunted House Story Red Doors It is easy for the lost and the outcasts to find solace in technology . When you are lonely , you grab hold of anything that grants you comfort and eases your pain . Robert was such a person . He spent his days on forums and comment sections seeking out validation in his existence . He has never met his closest friends , they exist only as words on a screen . You can find the worst and best of humanity on the web . However , people like Robert rarely seek out the best . They spiral down dark corners looking at things worst than themselves . That is where he met John . Robert did not know much about John other than that he was a cynical person who enjoyed talking about the downfall of society and failings of mankind . He showed Robert images . Pictures of people in pain , or dying . Pictures of monks lighting themselves on fire , of little girls trapped in a flood . They were images meant to elicit a certain type of emotion , Despair . Robert and John spoke to each other for nearly a month since the first meeting . Robert became fast friends with John and started to adopt many of his nihilistic views . As John had planned , Robert truly grew tired of his life and humanity around him and like a predator stalking prey , John carefully waited for the moment to strike . Rob immediately felt a dizzying sensation as the lights went out around him . For a moment the world went black , then his eyes adjusted to the dark . He was still sitting at his keyboard , but the screen had no power along with the computer . He tried switching the computer back on but it was useless , the desk lamp next to him also failed to turn on . He stumbled around his dark house till he found the front door . He looked outside to find that every house around him was much the same . No lights , no power . The streetlights were out as well . " A blackout ? " he thought to himself . However , he saw no one else . It was cold , and the world seemed to glow lightly with the light of the moon , but he could see no moon or stars . Walking outside , Rob could not escape the feeling of everything being slightly wrong . Walking to his car he noticed the color seemed slightly off and the body felt cheap . Like a poor imitation of what it should be . The sidewalk , street lamps , and even the windows of the houses and cars all seemed like cheap imitations of the real thing . Like a Chinese knockoff of a whole town . This surreal world only grew odder with the lack of the wind and any noise outside his own footsteps . Rob walked the streets of this imitation world for several hours or at least what felt like hours as the passage of time seemed impossible to tell . It wasn 't till he saw a light at the end of an empty road did he have a direction . At first , it was simply a glow in the distance but as he approached he could make out the shape of a monitor . In the middle of the road sat a computer on a desk . The only thing with any power for miles . This world seemed like a dream . Slight imperfections giving away hints that this was not his reality . None more so than the glowing computer screen that sat on a desk in front of him . On the screen was only a basic text program with a line of text blinking , waiting for a response . " You are still home , " John immediately typed back . " However , I suppose that is not what you wanted to hear . Your body is home , your mind is in another reality just like you asked , " John continued . " As long as you are not using your body , I will take it in the meantime . Enjoy the peace Robert , " John finished . As the last words appeared on the screen the power went out . The glow was replaced with darkness . Robert desperately tried to type back and turn on the computer but it was useless . Once again Rob was left alone in this dark world . He had no sense of time and was unsure how long he had been there . The only thing he could think to do was walk . He tried opening doors to surrounding buildings but they were sealed shut like they were never meant to be opened . Windows only showed near empty insides with furniture that looked fit for a model house . He kept walking , never feeling tired or hungry as surely hours must have passed . It was as he walked that he found a small gray building fitted with a red door that looked completely out of place in this world . On the door , a white piece of paper with the words " Keep Out " in black ink sat . Robert ignored the warning without any hesitation and opened the door revealing a completely dark room . The horrible smell of rot and death reached out . Still , without hesitation , Rob stepped into the room and as his eyes adjusted he could see what was making the smell . The building was one impossibly large room , like some sort of warehouse , with concrete floors . Stacked in the center were dead bodies all in deep stages of decomposition . Skin hung from them like leather . " Ah , ah , ah , Robert , you should learn to read signs . No need to look on at your predecessors , " a voice rang in Robert 's head . The smell began to overpower Rob causing him to flee . As he walked away from the building the red door slammed shut behind him . Unable to work up the nerve to try the door again Rob walked away . He found himself wandering endlessly in a daze . He no longer recognized any of the scenery . Architecture and age seem to change rapidly . Buildings in styles years apart sat next to each other . Yet , it all seemed fake . Like props on a movie set , they could pass for the real thing from afar but fail on close inspection . He could not escape the feeling of being watched as he moved along . Continuing his journey Robert noticed other red doors like the one he saw before . They did not have any signs on them , but he still hesitated to touch them . His courage from before had faded . However , as time passed and any other options failed to reveal themselves he decided to try . The closest door was attached to an old stone building that seems fit for a long - lived city like New York or Philadelphia . Slowly opening the door he saw a deep darkness in what appeared to be a glass door holding it back , but it was not glass but a perfect slice of water . With a touch , Rob could feel water drip onto his skin , but the larger mass refused to fall out the door . With a deep breath , he smelled the nostalgic scent of the sea . Daring not to enter , Robert moved on looking for another door . Another red door sat attached to a wooden cabin . A building completely out of place sitting between two brick buildings . Slowly opening it , Rob shielded his eyes as bright sunlight spilled out . Inside the door , a vast savanna spread out before him . A dry golden grass seemed to go on for miles only broken by the occasional small tree . He had ever only seen such a thing on TV and pictures of Africa . Looking at the gray world behind him and the golden one before him Robert stepped through the door . The first thing to hit Rob was the oppressive heat . The change was drastic from the cold world behind him . Looking back , the door he stepped through seemed to sit attached to nothing . The world was much different than the one before . If the world before was a dream , this one was more a vivid memory . A sense of odd nostalgia entered Robert 's mind . Walking forward into the endless planes the red door behind him vanished . Despite the heat , he still did not feel thirst , hunger or exhaustion . He was fascinated by the vastness of the world before him . Besides the vegetation , not another living thing seemed to exist . That was why when he noticed the grass moving in front of him his eyes focused immediately . Time seemed to slow as a female lion burst out of the grass and sprinted at him at full speed . Rob only had time enough to turn away before it reached him and pounced on him . Hugging and grappling on to him with sharp claws . He hit the ground with a hard thud as his vision went black . A few moments later Robert was able to open his eyes once more . However , he was unable to move . He did not feel any pain but could hear the sounds of footsteps as the lion moved into his view . It looked into his eyes before opening its jaws and reaching down to bite him in the throat . " Curiosity can be a dangerous thing , Robert , it killed the cat after all , " John said with a laugh . " Am about done on this side , you will be home soon enough . You were a good sport so perhaps I 'll sate your curiosity a bit . " The red door before him opened again . This time , a different scene lay before him . A vast village made of sandstone sitting under a bright sun . " Am old Robert , very old . " The door closed again as John spoke , only to open again . This time to a small computer server room , electronics in black boxes lined the wall while a single computer screen and keyboard sat on a desk at the end . " However , even old things can adapt to the age , Robert . " " It 's time now , I can 't stay here for long , " the voice of John spoke for the last time , " The human body simply can 't handle it . " The world around Rob started to fade , his vision blurred , it turned black with a familiar dizzying sensation . When light entered his eyes once more he found himself in a cold wooded area . Rob tried to center himself but he did not have the energy to stand . He was desperately thirsty , his whole body felt dry . When he finally glanced at his arms he tried to scream but his dry throat could not get a sound out . He could see his bones with leathery skin hanging off of them . The last of his energy left him as he collapsed completely to the grass floor . His eyes quickly dried to the point he could no longer move them , not a tear could escape . His body was already a long dead corpse that would never move again . Author bluehero45Posted on October 16 , 2016October 17 , 2016Categories CreepypastaTags creepy , Creepy pasta , Creepypasta , Creppypasta , Gothic , Horror , Lovecraft , Madness , Scary story , Short StorysLeave a comment on Red Doors Gorge It had been days since he saw the sky . Gravity pushing him deeper and deeper into the hole . Every moment the walls would get tighter . He could hear voices above him , people walking along the street . Something had caused sound to echo down into the abyss , but never out . It had been a cold winter . Pot holes on worn out city streets were a common sight . He was walking home from work on a late and chilly night . His name was Connor and he worked late waiting tables . He walked the same path hundreds of times , every time never stopping to look at the little alleyway dark with shadow , where the street lights shine did not reach . But this time , this last time , he stopped when he heard a sound . It was a whimpering like a hurt animal . Connor followed the sound expecting to find a hurt dog in need of help . The sound came from a crack in the cement , a dark chasm just big enough to fit a person . Connor tried to light the hole with his phone 's flashlight . Still expecting to find a trapped or hurt animal . However the world turned black as something forced him forward into the abyss . His arms were pinned to his sides . His phone provided the only light but he could only look further down the hole and there was nothing but more earth and darkness awaiting him . His struggles only pushed him further and further down . His screams did not reach any ears . His phone 's light did not last till morning . He struggled to get some kind of call out , but even if he could see the phone no signal would find its way out of this hell . Hours passed and Connor know day had to have come , but he saw no sign of the sun . The lack of light was so great he could not trust that his eyes still worked . However the worst part was the sounds he heard . People passed the little alleyway going about their day . He could hear them , soft words echoed down to him . He screamed for help every time he heard one , but no would ever come . His throat was on fire but still he screamed on . Time had become a blur for Connor . The voices from the surfaces faded the further he slowly fell deeper into the darkness . He first cursed the voices that moved on without helping him , but now he missed them . Isolation fed on his sanity . Hunger and thirst fed on his body . Hope of rescue faded and the realization he was going to die set in . His mood had shifted between anger and grief . He no longer had the energy to struggle . He drifted in and out of consciousness . His mind would drift to dreams of freedom . He dreamed of the sun and it 's warmth and of people helping him out of his hole . However this only added to his frustration as he awoke , fall asleep and have to start the dream over once again . Some part of him had accepted death . He hoped for the time he start to dream and it would never end . He feared the waken world . In the darkness he started to see things . He thought he saw red eyes watching him further in the dark , despite the fact his own eye have been deprived of light for so long . He just wanted to sleep . However sleep was soon taken from him . His numbed and stiff body soon awoke with searing pain . Something damp oozed from the rocks around him and stuck to his clothes like tar . It burned his skin and he was unable to move his arms to even attempt to wipe it away . Connor 's body felt on fire . He tried to scream but the ooze made its way into his mouth with each attempt . He only hoped shock would take him soon , so he could die in peace . Author bluehero45Posted on August 12 , 2016August 12 , 2016Categories CreepypastaTags Buried alive , creepy , Creepy pasta , Creepypasta , Eaten alive , Horror , Short Story , Short StorysLeave a comment on Gorge Stargate Diner There exist a diner not found on any map . It will not show up on any GPS . It appears on long roads to those hungry and in need of rest . Open 24 / 7 and always occupied by strange regulars and a cheerful staff . A bell would ring if you entered and a smiling waiter would show you to one of the many wooden booths . Wood panelling lines the walls and classic rock plays softly on a radio . The coffee is heavenly , just don 't mind the stares from the regulars . Tell your troubles to the waiter , she won 't mind in fact she is counting on it . She would listen with an open mind and a kind heart , and when you finish she would tell you " Don 't worry dear , all will be well . " Words that seem to lift a weight off your soul . Just like that you know , all will be well indeed . Take Mrs Emmie Barnet for example . A businesswoman , traveling the long road home . She complained about her old Pontiac to a smiling waiter over a cup of coffee . " Don 't worry dear , all will be well " she was told , and with renewed confidence she traveled onwards towards home . Only a few hours later she was hit by a drunk driver . She survived with a number of injuries but her hated car was totalled . Her wish granted , but such things have a price and Mrs Barnet 's injuries were not enough . When her children visited her in the hospital she found herself unable to feel any warmth towards them . A part of her soul was taken . So things go , over and over again . Such faustian packs are made every night . The diner never seems to be in the same place twice for those wise enough to put together the pieces . Most however simply never notice . There memories of the diner fade like a dream . Now you may wonder what does Stargate want with bits a pieces of human souls . Well you see Stargate serves more then just mortal clientele . The strange regulars all have a specific taste and the diners cook knows just how to please each one useing the special ingredient gathered for him . So next time you unload your troubles to a stranger be weary , for that stranger may take from you more then just your burdens . Author bluehero45Posted on June 14 , 2016August 13 , 2016Categories CreepypastaTags creepy , Creepy pasta , Creepypasta , Creppypasta , Horror , Scary story , Short Story , Short StorysLeave a comment on Stargate Diner Eye of Madness Is insanity contagious ? In school , I learned of many diseases that can affect the mind but I never understood the horror someone must face when their very thoughts could be affected by something so out of their control . My name is Jacob Mason and before it all started I was an ER nurse just outside Boston . I was used to hectic days , the sight of blood and even death but nothing could compare to what I 've seen since that one dire night . It was what passes for a normal weekday in the ER , chaotic . A line of people needed to be seen . All the staff did their best to see to everyone while sorting them between the time of arrival and seriousness of the injury . My eyes had long gotten used to the fluorescent lights and smell of sanitizer that filled every inch of the hospital . The waiting room was filled with the sounds of low muttering , and coughs contrasted by the loud yelling and rushing of staff that filled the rooms behind . A homeless man was rushed in on an ambulance . He was young , unwashed , unshaven and covered in self - inflicted knife wounds . The blade had been recovered by the police and he was already bleeding profusely before he reached the hospital . Still , the doctors worked all their magic to try and save his life . I was called over to assist . Holding the struggling man still as the doctors tried to stop the bleeding in each wound . Another nurse rushing towards us with donated blood . I looked into my patient 's eyes , he looked terrified . It was then that he started to violently cough blood , it splattered into the air and into my right eye . Another nurse wordlessly took my place as I rushed to an eyewash station to clean out the biohazard . I was at risk for a number of blood transferable diseases , but that was always a risk and the hospital was prepared for it . I was not there when the man they brought in died . A John Doe , we could find no trace of his identity . That was all the information I was privileged to hear . The rest was up to the police . I was used to the coming and going of many of patients , but he was someone I now truly wish I know more about . I took an HIV test and had blood work done to check for other diseases . The news seemed positive I seemed to have had little worry that I had any infections . However , within twenty - four hours I was experiencing symptoms to something I am still unable to fully explain . I awoke ready to face another long day when I noticed it . A blot of something in my right eye . Like a single drop of black Ink in the corner of my eye . It moved when I tried to focus on it and when I looked I could not see it in the mirror . Trying to wash it out failed to yield results . Before my shift started I had a doctor who was a friend take a look at it but he failed to see anything wrong . Soon I was wrapped up in another busy day and failed to follow up on it . It did not obstruct my vision so I let the issue wait . It wasn 't until that night that I started to worry something was truly wrong . It was after another busy day I waited in my bed for sleep to take me . My eyes were closed , half asleep I could feel it . Like worms crawling across my eye stretching . Contracting and elongating to reach further and further across . I awoke in a panic , fumbling around to turn on a light . It was then I could see it . Reaching out of the black little dot in the corner of my eye , tentacle - like growths now obstructed my sight . They streaked across my pupil making my view look like peeking through a fence . This time , I did not hesitate . I rushed back to the same ER I worked at . This time , a patient myself I was granted no special favors . Sitting in an uncomfortable chair under fluorescent lights with the familiar mumbling and coughing around me I waited . My discomfort soon turned to sharp pain . My eye felt like it was attacked by a red hot needle . All I could do was cry out in pain as I covered it with my hand . It was then I saw something in my eye . Something moving in the hazy darkness . It looked like faces in pain shifting in a mass of flesh . Each face trying to escape before being swallowed by the flesh and replaced with another . By the time the visions had stopped I was being rushed into the back to be looked at . My eye forced open and carefully examined by a doctor . The pain was gone , replaced with the tedium of awkward questions and paperwork . I was in shock , unsure what to even tell the doctors . They looked at my eye , took more blood but only ended up shaking their heads . I saw the familiar eyes of pity and annoyance , the kind reserved to the hypochondriacs and the mentally ill . I know what they were thinking . Hours passed as I waited for a specialist and an ultrasound , meanwhile , I started to grow hopeless and anxious . I did not like being so out of control , to be the patient . After hours of waiting , a doctor sat me down and looked me in the eyes . He told me my initial tests looked good and that some other tests may take some time to process , that I should go home and rest . Before I could leave he handed me a piece of paper with the name of a psychiatrist that could help me . I left the hospital feeling hopeless and drained . I called out of work and decided to rest as the doctor ordered . After drifting to sleep I dreamed . I dreamed of masses of flesh as dark as oil . They looked almost human but wrong . Misshapen as if they were made of melting wax . The almost humans all looked at me as if just noticing my presence . The crept slowly towards me . I awoke in pain , sharp pain . My eye felt like fire and nothing I did could ease it . Painkillers were useless . The pain would occasionally subside just long enough for me to start to fall asleep once more then start again just as I was about to pass out . I did not sleep at all that night . I did not sleep the next night as well . Or the one after . My days turned into a blur of pain and sights that become harder to explain . As the blackness spread across my right eye it looked as if a painting was ripped in half to reveal another painting underneath . The two paintings contrasting against each other but at the same time creating a whole . I was losing my mind . I stopped even attempting to go to work . My tests came back negative . The doctors seemed more certain that this was a mental problem . Mental or not the pain was real to me . Hopeless and wrapped in despair I did something reckless , auto - enucleation . Before I started I called an ambulance . I know the dangers involved and would need aid as soon as possible . Taking a scalpel I carefully cut into the orbit of the eye . I started like a surgeon careful and precise before pain and adrenaline turned my efforts violent . Cutting muscle and flesh without regard to which . Before I know it , what was left of my eye was a thick soup dripping out of its socket while leftover muscle tried in vain to hold the mess in . I passed out before the paramedics made it to my home . I awoke in a dark hospital late in the night , drifting in and out of consciousness . My hands bound to rails so I could no longer harm myself . I had succeeded , my right eye was black . I could live with one eye , the pain was gone replaced by working pain killing drugs . For the first time , I could sleep . I had won . However , I could feel something move … it pushed against the bandages that covered my eye . Finding an opening . Something warm and slimy pushed out of the bandage like a popped pimple . It slid down my cheek . I tried to grab it but my hands were still chained . It wormed its way down my shoulder then my arm and dropped onto the floor with a splat . I could not see it in the dark as it vanished . My ordeal was over , my pain was gone as was my visions but I fear I let something out . Author bluehero45Posted on February 1 , 2016February 1 , 2016Categories CreepypastaTags creepy , Creepy pasta , Creepypasta , Gothic , Horror , Short StoryLeave a comment on A Haunted Doll Story ( Narrated ) Survival of the Coyote Writing has always been a way for me to organize my thoughts . However , for the past couple years it has been a luxury I simply couldn 't afford . Yet here I sit , alone , far from home and all I want to do is write about what has happened to my life because I fear this may be the very last chance I will ever get to tell my story . My name is John Lawrence . As of writing this I just recently turned twenty years old . I have been homeless now for four years now . When I was seventeen my parents kicked me out of my home and onto the streets . They could not understand me , they called me " sinful " and disowned me . I would later learn that they told others I ran away from home so they could avoid any consequences of their abandonment . In a way I did , I left town on a bus with what little money I had on me . That first night I slept at a bus station for what could only be a few hours . My mind and body racing from the confrontation . My life slowly became one of survival . I used to think about the future , but now it is only a matter of making it one day at a time . I had no phone , no contacts . I was on my own . Shelters helped at first . I met people there , people who showed me how to survive . Where to find food and when , where to find shelter , how to beg . There was no longer any room for pride . I saw the best and worst of people . I met men that would give all they have , or give away as much food as they could spare . I 've seen people who would attack other homeless while filming it on a phone , laughing . I saw a man give up and take his own life . I do not have enough paper to write everything I saw from the outside of humanity 's society . To many , I became invisible . After I turned eighteen things only became harder for me . I was no longer a priority for shelters and I slept on the streets more than ever before . Begging became harder as well . The more I withered and became dirty the less people would spare anything to me , despite the even greater need . That is when I met Frank . Frank was " Frank , " no last name , claiming he had no family that would share one with him . He taught me the art of train hopping . The east was too cold , but he claimed the west was more welcoming , warmer , and easier to survive all around . While he was certainly exaggerating I agreed to travel with him . Frank was an interesting man . He spoke of the great American tradition of train hopping like a Knight speaking of his family 's deeds . He taught " Never say you don 't want to die , but rather say you want to live . " However he never lived the words himself . He had done things to survive that he was not proud of and you could see the toll that it had taken on the man . He drank himself stupid when he could find alcohol . As such , we were not always together , but we always agreed to meet up before hopping a train to the next town . Life seemed to move on the same way for some time . We would hop on a train and split up at the next town . We looked for food , shelter , money and Frank looked for his " medication . " Frank was not entirely wrong , things were a little more easy going out west . We never stayed in one place for too long , a week or so at most . We arranged places and times to meet ahead of time in case we were chased off or ran into trouble . I felt like I was some sort of secret agent . Infiltrating each town undercover . It was exciting in a way , it at least kept my mind off other troubles . In small towns and good weather it was safer to sleep in wooded areas away from people . We were in a small wooded area just outside town that night . Frank had already set up a makeshift campsite by the time I arrived . The sun was already down and I was afraid I would have to find a place to sleep without him until I nearly tripped over his camp . The camp was nothing but a small clearing on flat ground . A fire was a bad idea but a couple of old worn sleeping bags on top of some cardboard felt like heaven . Frank used an old metal flashlight when needed . I set down my worn old backpack and we talked for a while and shared a bit of food , until a stray dog startled us . A mutt with a bit of pit bull in him . Begging for food , I threw a bit of old jerky his way and he just grabbed it and ran off . Frank shook his head but did not say anything . When I awoke in the middle of the night my entire world changed . A large black coyote had wandered into camp . I tried to jump out of my sleeping bag to scare it off but the moment I started to move it locked eyes with me . I was paralyzed . No noise would escape my mouth while Frank slept on the ground unaware of the danger . Then the animal started to change right before me . It began to walk on two legs as it took the shape of a man . He / it wore a mask made out of the tanned face of a coyote , not unlike the coyote he just changed shape from . The mask was missing the coyote 's lower jaw and exposed his emotionless mouth . He looked out the eyes of the coyote skin scanning the surroundings . It stalked closer to Frank , slowly , like an animal closing in for the kill . I tried to jump to my feet but the moment I started to move it locked eyes with me again . All strength suddenly left me and I was paralyzed . Helpless only to watch what came next . With one swift motion he put his hand over Frank 's eyes . I watched in morbid anticipation for what would happen . After long seconds of nothing Frank started to convulse in pain . Blood dripped out of his nose before all movement stopped . The Coyote man then removed his hand to reveal Frank 's lifeless eyes . His body laid still on the ground . I was his next target . My heart raced , my face turned white in terror . He stalked towards me with a grin . His eyes seemed to glow inside the mask . I struggled in vain as he put a hand over my eyes like he did with Frank . My world turned black . I could feel my mind , my consciousness being pulled away . It felt as if I was falling into a void of blackness . Then I saw something , a face in the darkness . A mass of blackness that I struggle to describe . It seemed to grin as I was pulled towards in . Suddenly I was snapped back to reality with the sounds of barking . The dog from before . It came back and was barking and growling fiercely , surprising both me and my attacker . With the sudden realization I could move , I slapped my attacker 's hand away and threw my weight on him as I got to my feet . As he fell backwards I ran . I turned my mind off and let instinct take over running faster than I ever had before . I collapsed under a bridge some distance away , completely exhausted . I dreamed of dark things that night . Looking out the eyes of a wolf mask I saw human bones harvested out of red flesh . Then I saw a scene that seemed ages ago of a native American dancing and singing to something in a fire . The scene transformed into another setting of an old stone room filled with markings made with blood as a European man spoke Latin . Again I saw the same blackness as before . I saw the face again , made of black smoke and clearly grinning . The scene changed once again . This time I was standing in front of a fireplace in what appeared to be the middle of nowhere . Across from the fire sat the man with a coyote face . However this time it was no mask , but a part of his body . He spoke to me in a deep voice , his words echoing as he did . " You have been traveling a place you have not been meant to visit , " he said as he motioned for me to take a seat . I stood and asked back " What are you ? " He smiled , " I am many things : Mage , Warlock , Alchemist , Witch , Skinwalker . I appropriate spells of power from many cultures as it matters not the origin of the spell but rather if my master will empower it . Many such cultures have reached him before , intentional or not . " I was a bit shocked at his honesty before he told me , " A better question is who are you ? " Before I could reply he answered his own question . " A blundered sacrifice , whose soul has been stretched between another world and the world you consider your own . Your soul will rip if such a situation remains . " With a grand wave of his hand I was flung backwards , falling until I awoke in a shock under the bridge I spent the night . I was cold , wet , and dirty . Everything I owned was back where it all happened . I decided to go back , not just for the supplies but also for my own sanity . What I found shocked me . The dog , the one that saved my own life , was chewing on the corpse of my old friend . He growled at me as I approached , but after a loud scream from me he relented his meal . Only a bloody mess lay where my friend once did . I grabbed my belongings and Frank 's flashlight . I wanted to call the police or anyone and tell them what happened and where the Frank 's remains were . I searched for a payphone before I had to give up . I threw up in an alleyway . I felt weak and tired . The world was spinning . I dreamed again of the man in the coyote face . He sat again at a campfire , chewing on raw meat . He looked at me , the meat vanishing . " The laws of this world are different from the one you 're used too . You have two fates ahead of you boy . You do nothing and let your soul be ripped apart , you will find your body will quickly follow ; or you let me complete my spell and give your soul to my master . I assure you this fate will be less painful . If you wish to give yourself up , or perhaps simply seek revenge before you die , find me in the center of the fire break in the very woods we first met at the witching hour . " I awoke weak and groggy . I could feel something was wrong with me . My instincts told me that the Coyote Man was telling me the truth . I would die soon if nothing was changed . I reached into my pocket and pulled out a wad of dollar bills and some change . All the money I had , gained from begging . I found a pharmacy / convenience type store . I bought a handful of candy , a pen and a notepad . While sucking on sugary sweets I started to write this journal . Like a warrior of old meditating before battle , this was my way to mentally prepare . I had to face him again . I made my way to the firebreak early , while the sun was still up . I did not know what to expect , would he kill me without saying a word ? Or would he sit and talk to me like in my dreams ? I felt a strong pull on my mind and my eyes began to haze before I was forced to take a seat on the ground . Once again I saw old worshipers of the face in the dark . A man in primitive clothing yelled at the darkness before being swallowed by it . Then I saw another world , a world full of sand and a dark blue sky that kept the land in an eternal twilight . It felt alien and cold . Was this where the face lives ? Where my soul is being forced ? I awoke to see the tanned coyote mask staring down on me . He was already over top of me bending down to meet my face near his , stars rested in the sky . I was out for some time . I could not move , all I could do was look into the eyes of my foe standing over me . His brown eyes looking out of the mask reminded me that he was human . In my dreams he seemed more than a man , but in reality he was just that , powerful but human . I summoned all my will to move , I tried to will every cell in my body to fight and win . I did not want to die , I wanted to live . As if to answer my will to fight I saw in my mind the dark figure grinning at me . With that I was free . What I could see of the face under the coyote skin changed to shock . Before he could understand why I could move I felt around the ground for a weapon finding the heavy metal flashlight I swung it like a club at my would be hunter . With a thud I hit him aside the head and he fell sideways . My hands stung with the impact and my blood rushed with adrenaline . I did not hesitate and found my way to my feet and hit him again . This time , knocking off his mask , I could see the face of a man . He screamed at me angrily as he tried to attack back . One last time , I hit him in the head with the flashlight . This time he went limp . He lay dead on the ground , blood pooling under his head . I had won , but not wholly by my own power . That thing he called master let me win . I watched as the puddle of blood grew . I could feel myself getting weaker once again . At first I felt content to die having defeated the one that started all this . However my mind turned to panic . I did not want to die . Once again I started to lose consciousness . I was afraid I would not wake back up this time . Before my eyes closed I frantically looked around for something , anything to aid me but it was pointless . For a moment everything was black but then knowledge filled my head . I saw visions of a spell . A magic to reunite my body and soul . My eyes opened with a jolt of new energy and I started working . Taking the blood of the man who tried to destroy my soul I created symbols in the dirt . Old symbols , of which I did not know the true meaning of . I only needed to add my own blood and the spell was complete . As soon as I finished my vision faded once more but only for a moment . In that moment the world around me had changed . I was in the land of sand and a dark blue sky just like my visions . However this was far more real . There was a lack of wind that gave the world an odd sensation . In my immediate position I saw my belongings , this journal , and the corpse of the man I killed . My spell had worked , my soul and body were reunited , however it seems my body traveled to where my soul was being pulled and not the other way around . I sat for a long time in this world . There are no stars or sun to mark the time . Soon I will travel on and look for a way to survive . This may be the world where the master whose magic allowed all of this lives , but I 've run out of fear and am still pushed to live . I still remember the words of my friend . " Never say you don 't want to die , but rather say you want to live . " Am leaving these last few pages of the journal here . Perhaps as a message for any who enters this world in the same place I did , or perhaps I just feel the need to move on . They may even find a way back before I do .
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I 've been working on this one on and off for some time now . I basically scraplifted the LO with inspiration from here and here , but I had to make the digital template from scratch . I 'm a little proud of myself for figuring it out and putting all the chevron pieces together . I would love to know how to make the ends of the papers curl in Photoshop Elements , but I 'm not even sure it 's possible . Probably , but I just don 't know how yet . I love these two boys . They are such a joy . And I love how Otto always calls Atlas , " Brother " . I never encouraged it , but that 's just what Otto calls him . It 's cute . Looking forward to working more on our family Yearbook . I have so much to be thankful for . My most thankful thing last weekend was getting out into the wide - open space with my family . It was beautiful seeing the cousins together , and the love they show one another . It has been over 2 months since I last posted ! I haven 't dropped off the face of the earth , but we 've been filling our days ( and my nights ) with all kinds of things ! The boys and I were able to move back into our home two months after the flood - mid August . I felt like the worst mother on the planet as I plopped my boys in front of the TV day after day while I got busy on the mess that our house was ! I wish I had before and after pictures . Don 't we always say that after the fact ? Because we had been able to save so much when we were home as our house was being flooded , there were giant piles of stuff on every available inch of floor on our main floor . I am very grateful for what we were able to save - an entire pile or two of photo albums and scrapbooks , among other things . I began putting everything in labelled bins to take out to the garage . Andy made room on the shelves and we started stacking bins for storage . Other items were relocated to main - floor rooms , and I had to get very organized and creative in the ways I could store things . Finally , things began to feel more normal and I turned off the TV and we started living our lives again . I resumed piano teaching , and Andy began his new job ( with an almost four - hour daily commute ) . Andy loves his new position and we are happy to have his whole self when he is home . We still get frustrated with the progress of our home and the legal implications of living on what is now considered " flood fringe " ( ours is actually called " overland flow " ) . There is talk now that we may never be able to sell our house , and there are still some big mitigation jobs to be done on the house , but we are plugging along and hoping for the best . We try to take in the high points of life and make them meaningful . Several weeks ago , our town was chosen as the site for the Canadian Hot Air Balloon Championships . It was magical ! We could see them right from our house , but we also went to the light - up night , where they just " glow " , but don 't fly . And the boys and I went early the next day to see them launch . There was an amazing Darth Vader balloon that Otto got to help deflate ( I was teaching , and we noticed him go down a few streets over , but he didn 't go back up , so the sitter took the boys over and Otto got to take off his shoes and walk all over Darth Vader to get the air out ! He was quite happy about that ) . ( I think there was a bit of fog on my lens ) It was a very chilly morning , but the boys were so excited when the balloons finally touched off the ground ! It really was magical . It lifted our spirits . Other than the balloons , we have been finding lots of joy in Otto going to preschool ! We had discussed his options last year , and decided to make a 15 minute drive two days a week so Otto can go to preschool with Ms Aileen . We LOVE Aileen . I used to work as her assistant and I adore her . She has won early childhood awards and all the children absolutely adore her . She has a way with children that she can see so clearly what they need . I knew she would be perfect for Otto . Otto is a very busy boy , and may one day be labeled a " problem child " in someone 's class because he is just so BUSY ! But he is super bright and needs to be challenged to keep his interest . I knew Ms Aileen would be able to do this and see him for the wonderful spirit he is . Otto LOVES his new class and I love visiting - it 's like old times . I love that I know her curriculum . I know she celebrates each child and allows them to grow and explore on their own . This is so important to early childhood learning . We are happy . I wanted to stick this next photo in - one from our summer adventures . We went to the Alberta Birds of Prey Center ( which is completely wonderful ! ! ) and Atlas got to hold a little barn owl . He was in heaven ! Happy Canada Day to us ! We got to come back to our home a week and a half after being rescued from it . After posting two very long accounts of what we went through , I hope this one will be shorter . It is difficult to put into words , to try to explain all we felt . This post has a lot of photos rather than a lot of words . It 's all about damage . And a massive cleaning effort by so many . This is also a story of blessings and gratitude . I wish I had more pictures of the damage we saw as we drove through our town to our house . Train tracks which looked as if a giant had picked them up , twisted them like a Twizzler , then dropped them back down on the ground . Houses twisted on their foundation . Boats , " beached " ( mostly one area in particular ) . Feet and feet of mud . The mud was everywhere . We came to a stop in front of our house and saw more mud , with a bit of grass poking through . So muddy . Some of it was dry , some of it was still slightly damp . { This is how much mud was caked on our lawn and our sidewalks . Several inches worth } We checked out our yard , shed , and garage first before entering the house . Even the shed , which was closed , had a layer of mud . ( see above ) Poor Andy 's shop / garage had SO much mud . I mean , look at the floor ! Several inches ( and by the way , we were lucky with this much mud . Many homes had FEET ) . ( side note - the insurance companies were writing off all vintage cars and towing them away , but Andy simply refused ! He has done all the work himself and will do all the work to get it back into working condition . It was his grandfather 's after all ! ) After looking over the yard , we came to the front door . Also very muddy . Remember the color codes for the homes ? Green ( being the best ) , Yellow , Orange , then Red ( being the worst ) . I was not foolishly hoping our house was green . I knew the state we had left it in . I was hoping for yellow . At least we 'd still be able to live there . Minor cleanup . Well , we weren 't so lucky . Our house was orange . Extensive repairs would have to be made for it to be habitable . And this was our first look : A bookshelf . At the bottom of the stairs . It was unbelievable how the water had moved everything around so much ! We found items from one room end up in a different room . A bookshelf . At the bottom of the stairs . You can see from the water line on the wall that the water stopped two steps from the landing . All our furniture was moved around . And covered in mud . I was so sad to find this toy bin in the carnage . When I had been running around trying to save things , I thought I had gotten all of the boy 's toy bins . We have a few that have small toys in them . This one was full of animals and people and included the set of Fisher Price A - Z Zoo animals a dear friend had second - handed to us . Atlas loved this set ! So sad . A very large amount of Andy 's LEGO was found covered in mud . And by mud , I mean silt from the river mixed in with some good ol ' town sewer . All of it was pretty disgusting . Not to mention highly unsanitary . { our food storage } In our religion , we have been counseled by our top ministers to have a year 's supply of food and necessary items . We had as much as our small storage space would accommodate . All gone . Most people who had a freezer in the basement found it overturned and opened up , with rotting food everywhere . Ours was weighed down by my fabric bins ! This not only saved our freezer from contaminating everything further , but also saved my fabric ! Unbelievable . I remember as we were running around during the flood , trying to save things , Andy asking me , " Is there anything else under the stairs we should save ? " And I thought no , just food . But later I remembered that there were two little bins full of the boys ' Christmas treasures . The boys are still little , and it wouldn 't have been the end of the world if they were damaged and lost . But some of the items in their bins were hand - made ornaments from their Gramma , and special gifts from friends and family . I thought for sure they would be gone because they had been submerged . But when the cleaning / wrecking crew brought them out and Andy opened them , I couldn 't believe my eyes . The tops of the bins were covered in a layer of mud - evidence of them being submerged - but the items in the bin were miraculously untouched . Unbelievable . Another miracle was the help we had in the week we did the big cleanup . Our volunteers were friends old and new , and strangers too . Friends who couldn 't physically come out and help took items to try to clean and salvage . In our haste , we had forgotten one photo album from Andy 's childhood and two or three small albums from mine . Sadness . But a good friend took Andy 's album of photos , cleaned them as best she could , then took them to be digitally restored . Amazing . A friend who worked all day gutting our basement , took home bags and bags of nasty LEGO . She cleaned them and returned them ! Unbelievable . Many friends took things to clean . Many friends came to help clean . Absolute God - send . In all of this , I have cried more ( and continue to shed tears ) for the generosity of friends , family , and perfect strangers , than I did for the loss of our material possessions . Such love and caring these people showed us . So willing to help . We could not have done it without them . And that 's how it went . Many hours of cleanup . And many more still to come . This is what our street looked like nine days after we were let back in to start the clean up ( and this looks pretty good compared to the first two or three days ) . One friend described it something like this : " You see pictures in the news of the devastation , and you think , That 's so sad . Then you see it in person and you realize that the devastation doesn 't stop at one house . It is house after house , block after block of mountains of garbage piled high on peoples ' lawns and on the street . Dirt everywhere , the air thick with it . There are no words to describe the feeling of absolute chaos , and the magnitude of the aftermath . And I 'm just a spectator , I didn 't live through it like you guys did ! " Yes . This is our life right now . Dealing with the aftermath . I 'm the kind of person who , when something happens I try to deal with it . It - was - going - to - happen - anyway - so - let 's - just - make - a - plan - and - get - through - it type of person . This has been hard , yes . But the human spirit is amazing . Especially when that spirit has so many others rooting for them . Thank you all for your prayers , for your service , for your love . You continue to amaze me with your generosity and caring . Nevertheless , my heart was breaking for all my friends and neighbors . People in worse shape than what we saw at our own house . Friends who still couldn 't get into their homes because two weeks after the flood , they were still under water . Friends who came home to see that their house was coded red . We came to learn that there were many shades of red . Red could mean anything from extreme damage , will take extensive repairs , to uninhabitable and condemned . Heart breaking . We sat late one night and cried many tears with a dear dear friend . Her house was red . In any normal circumstance , we would be the first to be there to help her , but since we were victims too , we couldn 't do all we wanted to help our friends and neighbors . That was hard . I still cry about that . This is my parents ' house . It 's on the side of town that isn 't even near the flood plane . The devastation in every neighborhood was unbelievable . The difference from house to house was unbelievable too ! On my block , neighbors across the street were yellow . We were orange . And our neighbors next to us were red . On my parents ' street , they had about a foot and a half of water . Their neighbor to the right had about three feet . Their neighbor to the left had about seven feet . It was unreal . Cleanup efforts continue . We will be in various stages of cleanup for a long time . But we are getting through it . It will take time . It will take effort . It will take love . This isn 't the end . This is the beginning of a new kind of life for us { whether we want it or not , but we 're going to ride it through } . Posted by After leaving the High River airport and heading to my brother 's house in Lethbridge , we arrived safely later that night . My brother had picked up diapers and toothbrushes for everyone . Though I had packed emergency bags for our family , they had to be left in the boat . So we literally had nothing but the clothes on our backs as we were driven out of town by the flooding . Neither Andy nor I had any identification . No money . No vehicle . No clothes . We hardly slept that night , though we were so tired . We woke early , staying in bed checking our phones to get on Facebook and use text messaging , making sure family and friends had gotten out safely . My brother doesn 't have TV , so we used internet to find the news we needed . We knew my sister had gotten out - in her jeep with her dogs ( a chihuahua and a great dane ) , but she hadn 't heard from her husband , who had decided to stay at home . I was completely useless to everyone those first few days - I was glued to my phone , finding friends on Facebook , making sure everyone was safe , and trying to get more information on what was happening . Throughout the day , we learned that the police were evacuating the entire town , and it was declared a State of Emergency . The army was coming to take over : over a thousand were coming from Edmonton and other areas . We also heard that among other places in Alberta , Bragg Creek , Canmore , and even downtown Calgary had also been flooded ! We were in shock . We watched videos posted online , and were able to see friends being taken to safety in the buckets of tractors . We knew many had gotten to safety in manure trucks . We were relieved to see my brother - in - law in one of the videos . At least now we knew he was safe . My sister stayed in her jeep that night , and would sleep many nights there . My aunt had driven herself out when she was evacuated , and stayed at the Nanton evac center , then would stay with friends in Okotoks in the days to come . Many stayed at evacuation centers in Nanton or Blackie . We had no idea what to do next . Our town was underwAndy and I had a visit from his sister and brother - in - law , who helped us out so we could purchase essentials . Andy 's sweet aunt also phoned wanting to help . We met with her later that day . We went out to buy clothes for ourselves ( Value Village ) and essentials from the grocery store . We were touched and amazed at the graciousness we saw that day not only from our family , but from people we hardly knew . At the grocery store , I saw an old acquaintance - the cousin of a good friend . I hadn 't seen or talked with her in years . She was touched by our story ( and what she 'd been hearing on the news ) and wanted to do something for us . She was generous in paying for a good portion of our groceries . That day , and many other moments since then , I have cried more in seeing the generosity of others than I have for the loss I have experienced . It was decided that my family would keep to our plans of staying in Waterton . This much anticipated vacation would turn into a safe refuge . * side note : as water was filling in our basement , and we had abandoned efforts to save things , we remarked to each other , " I guess Waterton isn 't going to happen . " to which Otto announced in a bright voice , " Our house IS Waterton ! " * Friends of my parents had asked them to look after a house in Waterton , as no one would be staying there that week . So on we went to Waterton . It was so strange trying to pack for this trip , seeing how we didn 't really have anything ! We borrowed much and were given the rest through the kindness of others . Waterton was cold , but beautiful . It did my heart good to breathe in that fresh air , and to be surrounded by trees and nature . However , wireless connection was difficult to come by , especially since the weather was not so good , so it was frustrating trying to get what news we could . We were there four days - my Mom took good care of us with food and activities for the kids . Then on the Wednesday , almost a week after the flood and not having heard any real news about High River and when we were going to be allowed back , Andy got a call from a good friend from his high school days . He felt terrible about our situation and wanted to offer us a place to stay , insisting that he would be offended if we did not stay with him and eat his food . Andy had been feeling stressed about being so far away and not being able to hear news , not being able to pick up calls when we needed them , not being closer to town for when / if they opened the town back up . So he jumped at the chance to get closer to High River . We quickly packed our bags and our boys and headed to stay with friends . That night , Andy got a call from a good friend who happens to be one of his bosses . It went a like this : " Andy ! I 'm in your house ! What do you need ? " completely frantic and crazy ! He had a contractor 's pass for town ( the town was finally allowing their company to get in to fix the sewer lift stations ) and had sneaked into our house late at night to check on it . He opened all the windows he could and also wanted to know if Andy would be able come to work the next day to help . Andy said yes , of course ! This friend had actually given us some peace of mind before that night he called from the inside of our house . He had called a few days after the flood , telling us that he had gone by our neighborhood to pick up his truck , which Andy had borrowed to get home on flood day . He said that the water had receded from our street , but that our basement was about 4ft full . Up until that point , I could see in my mind the entire basement full , as I thought that for sure the water on the inside would have been level with the water just outside our front door . Knowing it was * only * four feet So Andy went to work the next day and I took the boys and we headed to our church in Okotoks . We had heard that donations were pouring in , so we went to see about some clothing and some food . The outpouring of love and generosity was amazing to see . So much food . Many truckloads worth of clothing . And the volunteers had sorted everything so things were easy to find . At the church , they had set up one of the rooms to use as a " command center " for Mormon Helping Hands . This is part of our church 's humanitarian relief service . There was a number to call when you knew what kind of damage your property sustained , and what kind of help you might need . They had hundreds of cleaning buckets to go to those in need , and would send them along with a team of volunteers . Over the next month and beyond , church member volunteers from across Alberta would come to people 's aid with Mormon Helping Hands . On July 21 the amazing count was 8 , 800 volunteers giving 53 , 000 man hours to the clean - up efforts . And that 's not even counting the church volunteers who came out to help friends and strangers on their own initiative . Back to Thursday , June 27 : one week after the flood . Andy went to work and was amazed at what he saw and the shocking lack of help the town was allowing . It was clear this disaster was too much for them to handle . Things had been damaged farther due to lack of knowledge , and Andy 's crew worked long hours for the next several weeks . They were first in the sewers for several reasons - Andy 's boss had been standing by trying to get his guys in to help , but the army had said NO : there was still so much cleanup and tests to run to make sure everything was as safe as possible . Many of the town 's 10 sewage lift stations were under water , filled with mud , rocks and other debris , or otherwise damaged . The company Andy works for designs , builds , and installs lift stations , and they had repaired High River ones in the past . And since they are a local company , they wanted to get in there to help right away . They worked so hard that first day Andy was back . Over 50 man hours to repair one station which had to be abandoned in the end . It was too damaged and they needed to move on to the next one . And move they had to . Quickly . The province had taken over the operations and recovery of the town and had announced Phase 1 of reentry . People whose homes were in the NW and Eagleview were being allowed back in on June 29 . The day before they were allowed back to their homes , Eagleview didn 't even have sewage service ! Andy worked until 1 in the morning : they frantically had to reroute the sewage pipes above ground to another station , as they had previously been draining into the station that was beyond repair ! It was unbelievable . The news was both good , bad , terrible , and devastating for the people going home on June 29 . They had come up with a way to categorize and classify everyone 's homes : The boys and I stood with my parents and my sister in long line - ups and terrible heat to apply for and receive our Flood Relief prepaid cards that Saturday . This was a great help to all of us . Andy was able to retrieve our emergency bags from the house in High River where they had been left , his wallet from home , and our van from down the street . We had identification finally ! The next day was Sunday and we went to church . Our stake had provided for us by feeding us a hot meal after our meeting , which was wonderful . It was good to see my ward family , hear their stories , and give hugs . Many tears were shed and many miracles shared . We also heard that day that Phase 2 of Re - entry would begin the next day , July 1st , Canada Day . I took the boys back down to Lethbridge to the safe keeping and care of their Aunt Karley and Uncle Irish , and Gramma and Grampa for the next week . I returned that same night and Andy and I nervously waited for July 1st to come . We would spend our Canada Day assessing the flood damage on our house . I was both nervous and excited for what the next day would show . It has been awhile since I last posted . And I must warn you : this post will not contain any fun creative ideas or scrapbook pages I 've done . This is a chapter in our lives I want to document today to look back on years from now . June 20 , 2013 High River will go down in history as one of the worst natural disasters in Canada . They are putting the High River Flood up there with Katrina and Sandy . This is my town they are talking about . Where I live . Or . . . used to live . This is the story , Part 1 : Flooding and Evacuation . The day began like any other - we got up and got ready for our day . The boys and I were going to the Parent Link Center to meet some friends for some play . I was looking forward to this morning for the boys to play , because I knew what I had planned for the rest of the day - loads and loads of laundry ! We were gearing up for a much - anticipated family reunion week in Waterton . 10am , we arrived at Parent Link only to be turned away at the door . They said that there was a mandatory evacuation of all town buildings due to the river flooding . We thought , okay , the river floods a bit every year or two , nothing to worry about . Come to think of it , I 'd been hearing sirens all morning . That must be what 's going on . So the boys and I headed home and saw water coming down from 12Avenue , close to us . I called Andy to tell him about the evacuation and the water coming down the street , and he said something we 're still laughing about ( in a bit of a sarcastic way ) , " Oh yeah , well just go around the house and make sure the eavestroughs are pointing away from the house . " I thought , there 's not even any rain ! What 's that going to help ? The boys and I walked to the backyard only to notice the water already coming down our alley ! I quickly phoned Andy to hear that he was heading home with a pump . I then went out to the front again and to the curb and saw this : Now , you must understand that when we bought our house , we knew it was NOT on the flood plane . It had never , in its 35 years , flooded . Now today the water was coming , and coming fast . We went inside the house and Andy worked to get the pump going in the case that water actually came into the house , which we didn 't think would happen . Why would it ? It had never flooded before . The power went out and luckily Andy had also brought a generator from work . However , it stopped working , so Andy went into his garage , rummaging for tools in the water that had already flooded into the garage to come up with a quick fix . By this time , I had already noticed water seeping into the basement flooring . First shock of my life . We quickly went about transferring precious items such as photo albums and scrapbooks to the upper floor . It was as I was in this state , a neighbor ( Fred ) came to our door and asked for my van keys : the street was too full of water now for cars to pass through . We were stuck . Fred put our van , as well as several other vehicles , on another neighbor 's driveway down the street . They have a steep driveway and is the highest spot on our street . We had no power . We had no phone service . Land lines were down and cell phones weren 't getting any service . We had no way to call for help . I frantically began trying to save whatever I could from the basement , running up and down the stairs with my arms full . What do I save ? What do I leave to be ruined by water for certain ? The water is coming quickly now , and the generator and pump are still not working . Andy put duct tape on the windows and doors to hopefully keep some of the water out , because the water was rising at a frightening speed . It was now coming in through the front door : ( you can see the water level outside the door window ) Yes , I stopped to take some pictures . Crazy now when I think of what I could have saved in those moments . . . . The water outside our basement windows rose to the halfway mark before all was said and done . Higher than when I snapped this photo : I feel that we were blessed to be stuck at home at this critical time because we were able to save so many precious things . Photos and fabric ( I grabbed the two quilts I had been trying to finish for Otto and Atlas ) , scrapbooks completed and scrapbooks in the process of completion , my computer and hard drives ( thousands of family photos stored here ) , and some scrapbooking supplies . After those precious things were safe , we continued to wade through the water ( Andy had the pump working now , but the water was coming in so fast ) to save what we could . We did this as long as we could before it was unsafe to wade through the water , and before I just about had a heart - attack with the combined feelings of stress , shock , and asthma , not to mention my legs being close to hypothermia ( is it possible to only have one extremity feeling the effects ? I wondered if my heart wasn 't doing so well because of this fact ) . We had to abandon our efforts and wait upstairs to see what would happen next . This was heartbreaking . Knowing we were still in our house while it was filling up with water , destroying everything in the basement , and we couldn 't do anything more than sit and wait . I rested my heart for awhile , gave the children some snacks and settled Atlas to have a nap . He had no idea what was going on and wanted to be in on the action , but it was not safe for him so I had left him screaming in his crib while I had been running around frantically saving items from the basement . At least this way I knew he was safe . I then busied myself packing two emergency bags with essentials - clothing , toiletries , medications , my hard drives , camera , wallet , diapers , the boys special stuffies to give them comfort in the case we wouldn 't be home that night . That 's when I noticed that Andy 's vintage car ( the one from his grandfather which he had restored ) was smoking on the inside ! Andy rushed out to open things up to prevent fire . 5 : 00pm The same neighbor who had moved our van had arranged with Andy ( as they stood outside our house in waist - deep water ) to come get us in a boat when the time came to leave . We conversed with them out our upstairs window and they told us it was time to go . So we quickly put coats and shoes on the boys , put our only life - jacket on Atlas , our youngest , and got ready to leave our house . The only other " floatation device " we had was a silly old pool noodle , which we instructed Otto to hold onto tightly and don 't let go . Andy carried our two boys , one by one , out the back door and into this little rowboat , then carried me to the rowboat as well . Two of our neighbors , Andy , and two firemen then towed the boat around to collect other people who were stuck in their homes . We picked up my friend 's son , who had been finishing his school year in High River after his family had moved to another town . I felt for his mother , as she probably had no idea how her son was getting to safety ! In the end , we had 2 men , 1 teenager , 2 women , 2 boys , 1 cat and 2 dogs in the boat , in addition to the man who was rowing the boat , and the 3 men and 2 firemen who were towing us : 10 adults All depending on one little rowboat . In the picture above , you can see Otto , my eldest son , holding his little brother close to him . He was so quiet the whole time . For the next two hours , the 5 men towed us through raging river in the main streets and lower , more tame river in the side streets as we tried to find a safe route . It became clear that there was no safe route . We were all so afraid of going down any of the main streets with the current so strong , for fear of losing my two boys in the river ! This was so scary for me , but we tried to keep a brave face for the children , so as not to worry them . For all they knew , this was simply a crazy adventure - going through streets we usually ride our bikes on . . . in a boat . You can see how thrilled Atlas is about this : We had been lucky enough to pick up life - jackets for everyone in our boat by this time . One of our neighbors , Daryl , who was helping tow our boat , had already been out earlier in his boat saving people , and had tied his boat to a telephone pole . We took the life - jackets from his boat , which was too light to safely pass through the river in the streets . Thankfully we had life - jackets ! After two hours , a long day of being in the freezing waters , and the batteries dying in their communication devices , the firefighters knew there was no other way to get to safety and no way to call for help . We stopped in an alley , in tame waters , and came up with a plan . The plan was for all 13 of us to pile into this little rowboat to * hopefully * ride to safety . Daryl , Fred , Andy , and one of the firefighters got into the boat , and the water was inches from the top . There was no way all of us would fit and be able to ride to safety . When things looked most dire , a ray of hope came in the form of a coast guard helicopter flying above us . The firefighters ' eyes saw that hope and began to wave them down . The helicopter took several passes over our heads as they assessed our position , then came down to hover above the river . As they came closer to the water , the helicopter created hurricane - like waves , whipping wind and water into our faces , which did not impress our boys in the least . They lowered one man , who came toward us to assess our situation and give us instructions . Only able to take four passengers , at first his instructions were to take Otto , Atlas , Devon ( the other youth in our boat ) , and one parent ( at which point I was crying because I thought that we would be separated from Andy and how was I going to do this on my own ? ! ! ) separately in a type of yolk , which they would have to hold tightly to in order to be taken up to the helicopter . This man looked straight at Otto and Atlas , giving them instructions as if they could understand him ! Andy and I both shouted out ( because the helicopter was so loud ) that they were too young to understand . He took a moment to look at them again , realizing just how young they are ! He quickly changed his plan , realizing the children needed to be with two adults . It was decided that Devon was old enough and capable to handle himself with the other adults in the boat . I was terrified for him , not wanting to part with him , and feeling some responsibility as his mother is a gSo the new plan was that they would send down a rope basket - type container . Andy would go up with Atlas , then they would send it down a second time for Otto and I . The basket had a bottom and three sides , with one side wide open to climb in and out of . They lowered it and Andy got out of the boat with Atlas , walking through the river to the basket . He climbed in and they placed Atlas in his arms . We knew Atlas would not like this , so we knew Andy should be the one to take him . This turned out to be a good decision because Atlas screamed and tried to wiggle his way out the entire time they were being lifted over 150 feet into the helicopter . My heart was bursting . Then they lowered the basket for Otto and I . We got out of the boat and I was shocked at how cold the water was ! Daryl held Otto as I got into the basket ( another shock as I went further into the water than I had thought I would have to ! ) , and handed him to me when I was ready . I clung to Otto and we both clung to the ropes , with my back to the open side of the basket , as we were lifted high to the helicopter . On the way up , I tried to make it not seem so scary for Otto , treating it like an adventure . I commented on seeing all the houses and being so high up . He was just quiet , saying very few words . When we got to the helicopter , a man clipped and secured the basket to the side of the helicopter , took Otto and secured him to a seat on the other side of the aircraft , then came back to help me out , also securing me in a seat beside Otto , across from Andy , who was holding tightly to Atlas . Our neighbor , Dinah ( Fred 's better half ) , caught some of this story on video . You 'll see Otto and I being airlifted : Later , my neighbor Daryl 's wife told me that out of his entire day of getting people to safety ( they saved something like 13 people ! ) , the hardest thing for him was watching Otto and I go up in that helicopter . With tears in my eyes , I sat and looked out the window as we flew over our town , seeing with my own eyes the devastation this flood had made . I snapped this photo as we were leaving the outskirts of town : It looked as if , in the space of a few short hours , most of our town was under water . We had no idea what was to come next . We were quiet as we flew towards the High River Airport . We were the first to arrive at the small rural airport , where there was no power . We were soaking wet . We had only the clothes on our backs ( having had to leave our emergency bags in the boat when we were airlifted ) . Thankfully we had our cell phones in our pockets ( which weren 't really working anyway due to the patchy service in the area ) . We had no wallets . No money . Inside a small lounge - type - room , the airport had a gas fireplace , which thankfully worked since we were cold and wet ! We set to drying out and warming up . ( and with no diapers for Atlas , I was wondering how we were going to handle that ! ) Phone lines at the airport were also down , so I tried sending texts to my sister - in - law . I would write one and press send , and my phone would work on sending the one message , finally getting through after 15 - 20 minutes . Miraculously , we received a call from Andy 's brother - in - law . We gave him messages to relay to my brother to get someone to retrieve us from the airport . After much waiting , our messages got through and my sister - in - law was able to send a text indicating that my parents were going to come get us . We waited . Two pregnant women in labor , with their delivery nurses , came and went ( in helicopters ) , and we saw a giant helicopter bringing many seniors who had been rescued from their building . Men in buses came to take these people to emergency shelters in two neighboring towns . One of the seniors , my dear friend Adele , was worried about her husband , whom she hadn 't been able to contact all day . 10 : 30pm After several hours , my parents arrived , having had to travel through many detours on account of flooding over major highways . They had gotten out of High River with both their vehicles loaded up with food , clothing , and other goods . I was still unsure of where my sister was at this point . My sister with her husband , and my parents all live on the side of town that never floods . It is not on the flood plane . But I believe they were evacuating people from that side of town at that time as well . We loaded up into my parents ' vehicles - Andy with my Mom , and I with my Dad , buckling my two little boys into the back seat of his truck . Without their car seats , they looked so tiny in that large back seat ! As we sped away from the airport , I looked at my boys in the back seat , letting it all sink in , and thinking how surreal this all was . What was to happen to us now ? Posted by
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Every day at work I am exposed to a woman who is constantly in a " down " mode . She comes in the office and sighs ( very loud ) and tells everyone how sick she is , how much she hates her kids , and how unfair her life is . From an outsiders view her life doesn 't look so bad . She has 4 young children , lives in a brand new house ( less than 1 year old ) , is married to her HS or college sweetie ( they were together for 10 years before they got married ) , and they have enough disposable income she buys ridicules things for her kids . OK , my problem with this is ……… I hear her say ( daily ) I wish I would just die . WOW , is your life THAT bad you have to say something like that ? Is your husband so bad you REALLY wish he would be taken by aliens ? I will admit that sometimes we ALL feel down about our lives and think everyone else has it better , but not ALL the time . She complains about her kids and says she can 't wait to get away from them ( Oh my goodness , why did you have them ? ? ? ? ? ) Her sister came to visit over the holidays . For a week I have heard her say DAILY how stupid her sister is , and complain about her staying in her home . I would be so happy to have ANY of my sisters come stay with me . I would be so happy to have my little sister even accept the rest of us and let us again be a family . I think my co worker is on a destructive route … . . But who am I am to say that . I have 3 sisters , two are wonderful and love me NO exceptions . One who will not talk with the rest of the family . I grieve daily for my little sister and her family . I am sad my co worker lives such a sad life … . maybe someday she will understand the true meaning of life and enjoy what she has been given to her 18 . Forget issues of the past . Don 't remind your partner with His / her mistakes of the past . That will ruin your present happiness . ( Phil tells me this all the time ) 22 . Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn . Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime . 28 . . Spend time w / people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6 . ( I love doing this , just need to find more time ) OK . for 2010 , I THINK I need to move more . I need to be more in touch with God , and I need to let the past go more . There are probably more things I need to work on but those are on the top . Happy New Year I hope you are able to work on your " top list " Winter is here with a vengeance . The forcasters predicted this was going to be a terrible storm , and it is proving to be true . Wednesday it rained , Thursday it rained and rained and froze . Thursday afternoon it changed from freezing rain to snow . Our driveway was covered with about ½ inch of ice …… . . then snow ! Phil went out last night to plow before bed , but it was snowing and blowing so hard it didn 't really help . This morning we got up and the driveway is totally drifted in with snow . The back porch had about 2 ' of snow in front of the door . In back of the house is a drift about 5 - 6 feet deep and to get to the barn the smallest drift is about 3 ' deep . The plow is not strong enough to move the snow . Even with the extra weight , it gets stuck . Phil was not able to feel his hands or feet by the time he came in to get warm . I am thankful I have a lot of PTO at my job …… and the last 2 storms have hit close to the weekends . Today is Christmas . Tomorrow we hope to find someone who can dig us out again . I sure hope this doesn 't happed every 2 weeks all winter long ! ! More snow is on the way ! Good grief winter started only on Monday . This will be our second major storm in as many weeks . Last time the airlines put Phil in a hotel for 2 days so he was able to get back and forth to work . They offered to put him up again , so he would be there over Christmas . He said no . He is probably not going to be able to get to work tomorrow and Friday . I don 't think I am going to be able to get to work tomorrow . Right now we are simply getting rain . The temperature is holding steady at 33 degrees , as it has been all morning . If the temperature drops only one degree , the roads will be a nightmare ! ! ! Tonight the temps are supposed to drop to the teens and the freezing rain will turn to snow . We are supposed to get about a foot of snow , and then the conditions will become blizzard like . The winds are going to gust up to 40 MPH . Our roads will be a mess . Phil said he would plow every hour if he has to , to make sure we are able to get out of the driveway this time ! We need to get a tractor with more power . We need a blade that will move more snow than we are able to now . Every year we seem to be a little better prepared . I wonder how long it will take to be REALLY prepared . I worry so about losing power . How will we heat the house if we loose power ? How will we flush the toilet ? How will we cook ? We need to get a windmill and / or solar power to take care of those problems . At the very least we need a wood stove to stay warm . I was listening to Dr Laura on the radio last week . I don 't get to listen to AM radio much anymore . She was talking with a couple having marital problems . Her solution was brilliant and I think it is something that all married couples should do . She said for the next month she wanted them each to think only about the other persons happiness . They had to work at making their partner happy every minute they are awake . The outcome of doing that …… they will start to think about each other in a more positive manner and because they are working so hard to make the other person happy they will be happy in the end as well . OK , so I am thinking if all married people ( LISTEN JOANN ) would work hard at making their partners happy , there would never be a reason to divorce or cheat , or even yell at one another . For the most part Phil works very hard at making me happy . I have a difficult time accepting the kindness . I had never been subjected to that kind of treatment . I think I tend to be moody at times . It is something I am working at ; I hope it won 't take forever . I know I am much happier in the summertime . The lack of daylight affects my moods in a big way . I always dread this time of year because of that very thing . Phil 's friend sent an email the other day that made me smile . She said be happy because it was the winter solstice and starting today we start gaining a few minutes of daylight each day . YEA , in no time the sun will be warmer , the snow and ice will be gone . I will be able to think about planting again , and see God 's miracles growing around our home . Spring is just around the corner ! ! ! ! ! Phil came home from work Sunday with a Christmas tree . It is a cute little tree about 4 ' tall . It is full and fluffy . Caelum and Phil cut the bottom limbs off and put it into the holder . Olivia helped him sting the lights . The girls and Phil decorated it all by themselves . It is a very pretty tree , full and decorated so nicely . We have so many decorations packed away downstairs … . We haven 't even looked at them since we moved out here . I wonder if I should spend some time going through all of the totes and giving some of the things to the girls …… . Some things probably need to be thrown away . Others need to be saved maybe the grandkids will want them when they get older . I have homemade decorations from all the kids , some have lost their tags so I can only wonder which kid made it . A few are from my childhood . It is pretty amazing how many memories can be packed away in totes . Brandon dropped the kids off Saturday evening ; they had been at his place since the previous evening . Caelum said a quick hello and went outside to play in the snow . The girls came in to see Grandpa ( nope , not me , he is the favorite ) Unfortunately Phil had to go to bed early because it was a work night . We had dinner together then off to bed . The kids always expect to do something special when they are here , so I decided to make some cookies . I had a pouch of cookies in the cabinet … . I picked them up on a clearance aisle … I don 't buy things like that . The girls mixed it up and baked the cookies . They were eating them and GRANDPA woke up to use the bathroom . Normally he doesn 't even talk to me , just goes back to bed . The smell of fresh baked sugar cookies woke him up instantly . He and Olivia had a tickle fest then they ate cookies . Those girls do love their grandpa ! ! ! As we grow older we learn different things . One of the things I have learned is that I need to check my blood pressure on a regular basis . Saturday I got the blood pressure cuff out and pumped it up . Both Ruby and Olivia had stories to tell me . Kids should NEVER put their arms in those things because if they do they will get squeezed off . Those things are for testing your blood , but only if you are a grownup . I finished taking my blood pressure and was folding it up to put it away . Ruby said ……… . . So do you have enough ? I was taken aback … . What do you mean ? She said " you measured your blood , do you have enough ? " Sunday morning we all went outside to play . The snow was still deep . Caelum had been working on building a fort . I was amazed at how deep and heavy the snow was . I pulled Olivia around on the sled for a while , but it was to heavy for me to do that for to long . We were all happy to get back inside . We spent the afternoon working on presents for " mom " . What fun we had . The kids love their mom so much ; they just want to make her happy . We are so slow ( one grownup for 3 kids … it takes a while ) but we did a great job . We didn 't have time for the kids to take their presents home … . . We will have to wrap them on Christmas day when we go over . I can 't mention what we did , just in case mom reads this . I will say that my carpet may never recover ! ! ! ! ! We really need to start earlier next year . I was leery of starting early because the girls can 't keep a secret . Maybe they can next year ! ! ! ! Phil called me at work today , obviously excited . He had been out plowing snow and said he saw a coyete run out from under the front porch . The animal loped down the driveway and away from the house . He thought the animal might have denned down under there . I ( being all wise about such things ) told him that was impossible because the cats would be dead if he had been living there . Then I asked him if the cats were still around . . . they were sitting on the front porch . I went out to the porch after I got home to see if I could tell if the animal had been living under there . . . . . . . . . all I know is that it smells bad ! Phil was concerned that the coyote may have killed an animal and took it under the porch to eat it . The dogs were under there ( after it left of course ) and came out licking their lips . It is not a few days later , and the cats are still here . . . . . . . . . . . and I don 't think Phil has seen it again . I know I would be frightened if I was leaving for work in the dark one morning and came face to face with it . I hope it goes back to the woods where it came from . . . . . . . . . . Christmas is next week . We don 't have a tree up , I suppose one of us will go to the store and pick up and smallest tree we can find and I will pull out a few ornaments and call it good . I am so sad all of our Christmas traditions are going away . For all of my life , Mom and Dad would find the biggest tree posssible and put it up 2 weeks before Christmas . We always had a real tree until Chuck said he was allergic and they got a fake tree ( funny , he can go hunt and fish all he wants and is not allergic then ) . It was always a great fun time to decorate and it took hours . Mom always made tons of Christmas candy . Dad always made the peaut brittle because it had to be stirred and stirred and stirred and he was the strongest of us all . He was always very proud if he could get it very thin . Both Mom and Dad loved Christmas and spent way to much money on the holiday . They never stressed about it . They never complained about it . On Christmas eve we would always have fish and lentils . Mom would tell the story about this being a poor mans dinner , so we eat it as a symbol of feeling Jesus plight . The kids would eat the lentils even tho they didn 't like them . It was a game to see what bad faces they could make . We were told the more lentils we ate , the more prosperous our new year would be . Everyone would eat at least two bowls full . Santa always came to our house on Christmas Eve . Dad would take us outside because he heard sleigh bells and had to look for Santa 's sleigh . When we came back in , the tree had exploded with presents . I am still amazed at the volume of presents ! I have wonderful memories of Christmas . I am sad that I am not helping to create memories and traditions for the grandkids . I hope I have given my kids memories . . . . . and they will continue to give their kids memories . My car is 7 years old . In all that time I have never had a flat tire , until tonight . I was coming home from work and got to my exit on the interstate . I heard a loud noise but it nothing seemed wrong so I drove on . I had driven only a short way when I realized it was MY car making that noise . It sounded to me like the ice / snow / sludge had built up behind the tires and was rubbing . I looked for a place to pull off and could not really find a safe place for quite some distance . The snow plows had done a good job clearing the roads , but not the shoulders . When I was able to stop I got out and realized I had a flat . DRAT ! ! I called Phil he said he would come get me as soon as he could get there . In the meantime I called my road service company to have them come change the flat . I was on hold the entire time it took Phil to get to me . The woman on the other end asked if something was going on in the area , because she could not find anyone to come help me . In the meantime Phil hooked up this handy dandy air compressor thing we bought last March and in 15 minutes or so the tire had air in it again ( while still on hold ) . He said let 's make a run for it . He jumped in my car and I took his . He said we 'd probably have to stop and air it up again , but we made it home and the tire still had air . Just about that time the service company called me back and said sit tight it would be at least 2 hours before someone could rescue me . Thankfully we are home and warm . When we were standing in the garage looking at the tire , Phil said he was thankful it didn 't blow as I was driving 70 miles an hour down the interstate . Tomorrow I guess we look at a new tire . Note : We went to get the tire fixed this morning , and found a razer blade in the tire . Phil said someone would have had to somehow force it to stand upright to get into the tire that way . Must have happened when I went to Walmart at lunch time . Posted by Delana about 2 or 3 years old at Grandpa and Grandma 's house . Below she fell asleep while I was vacuuming . Do you think she can still fold in half like this ? My baby is 29 years old today . Where did the years go ? Wasn 't it just yesterday she fell asleep with her Raggy Ann doll ? Didn 't she just learn to walk ? Potty training . . . . . . . . that is still a painful memory . I feel bad for Delana . She is home with Strep Throat on her birthday . She has 3 kids who have been housebound since Monday , probably driving her crazy . Sunday we celebrated her birthday . Each of the children wove her a hotpad ( like we used to do as kids ) and they made her some soap . I think she had a good birthday . Check out her cake ! ( Man was it rubbery ! ! ! ) The kids had a great time helping me decorate it . I am trying to help them do more crafty things for holidays . We made some liquid soap . Caelum was stirring and stirring , it smelled wonderful ! I stepped backward , tripped over Molly who was laying in the middle of the kitchen floor . My arms flung out to steady myself and soap was EVERYWHERE ! . She didn 't get much of the soap ! Happy birthday my sweet daughter . I hope this next year is wonderful for you . Enjoy your family , your new partner and your job . You have what you have always wanted . This will be a wonderful year ! Oh my , it is cold outside . The snow is blowing . The animals water dishes are frozen solid . The sun is awake for only about 8 hours a day . My garden is frozen solid . The driveway is slick . Getting the mail is a hazard , if I go 2 " more than I should I will end up sliding down into a ditch . We are in the middle of a blizzard warning . The airport put Phil into a hotel so he can get to work . He will probably have to work 16 + hours today then back to the hotel and do it all over again tomorrow . We talked about my work and decided I would call in , I have tons of PTO to burn anyway . Why take a chance on driving in this weather and getting into an accident . It looks like we are going to have a couple of rotten days . The high temp today is 22 but tomorrow is 9 . The midlands are beautiful in the summer , but in the winter I wonder why we continue to live here ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OK , I remember , it is because it is so beautiful , and so bountiful . Well , in good weather it is beautiful . I am thankful I don 't have to take care of cows , pigs , chickens etc . today , but only because I am cold and lazy . I wonder how my parents did it . . . . . . . . . every single day . All of the animals were fed . The cows were milked . The chickens were cared for and eggs ( if there were any ) were gathered . I believe it was a day like today when dad was kicked by a cow and broke his leg . Mom had to walk MILES in weather like this to get help . We are so fortunate to live with such convince , and telephones . I should never complain . A couple of nights ago Phil and I were sitting at the table looking through mail , and reading our weekly newspaper ( yep , this area supports a weekly ! ! ) . Our local theater group was putting on another play and the opening was Friday . Phil said let 's go . We say that a lot and never seem to be able to make time , but this week we did . I called him this afternoon to ask if we were still going , he said he had just been calling about the reservations . This is a very small community theater built and run by locals . I applaud them because they have never gone into debt to run this theater , and still have built a very nice home for themselves . It started much like the Lofte in Manly with a few locals and an idea . These wonderful local people worked very hard to build it , and are still so humble . Tonight 's production sounded like an old fashioned revival , so I was excited to see what it was all about . The story revolved around a Baptist church in North Carolina in 1938 . They were having a " song meeting " . The plot was good , the acting was great . In one spot Phil was laughing so hard I thought he was going to fall out of his chair . The old women actors were hams . The point of this post was not to revue the play , but to tell you what I saw and felt tonight . When we walked in we were greeted some 2 " old " women and one " old " man who welcomed us into the church . The entire thing was like walking into a baptist church in KY or TN or NC back in the 70 's , almost a little like stepping back in time 30 years . When the singing started I was instantantly pulled back in time to my childhood ( not the 30 's . . . . . . . . . . but old hymns never die ) when Mom would take me to revivals , campmeetings or song nights at the church . I had NO trouble picturing Mom up there singing at the top of her lungs and totally off key . I remember how embarrassed I was as a kid listening to her singing . How I wish I could hear her off key top of her lungs singing again . Why do we think we are to cool for our parents when we are young ? Unfortunately by the time we fPosted by When Marci and Emilia moved in with me about 5 years ago I packed up some of the stuff I really didn 't need . One of the things I packed up was my " good " china . It is not anything special , I got the set at Kmart around 1973 when I was still in high school for about $ 70 . That was big money to me at the time . Back in those days a girl would build a hope chest with things they would need later when they got married . My China sat in Mom and Dad 's shed for years until I moved back to Nebraska in 1985 . After that it would come out for every holiday . After Marci and her family moved to Georgia , Delana and her family moved to England , I never unpacked the good china . I had no to reason to , I didn 't really celebrate holidays or special occasions anymore . Tuesday as I was driving to work thinking about my five days off I decided I would really like to unpack the tote and use the china . Yesterday I went downstairs and opened it . My first surprise was to find the birthday platter . No one remembered what happened to it . ( I would have loved to use it a few weeks ago for Olivia 's birthday . ) My heart was full of joy . . . and so many memories . I wish I knew how old it is , probably older than me . I pulled out the dishes and Phil helped me carry them upstairs . Looking at them brought so many memories . Thanksgiving about 1988 - 89 ? The house was full of people , Jerry and Jackie , Aunt Dorothy , Mom and Dad , Barb and her family . I think we had about 25 people for dinner . The girls were so little . . . . . . . . . . we were all so young . So many birthdays , Thanksgivings , happy wonderful days . The dishes are used so infrequently . . . . . . . . . . . and I wonder why . They make me smile . They make me proud to serve the meal I have prepared . What am I saving the dishes for ? I think that every day should be special . Every day should be lived as if it is the last . Use the special dishes . Wear the new underwear . Kiss and hug your family tight and tell them you love them more than all the stars in the entire universe ( Caelum you win AGAIN ! ! ! ) . Of all the wonderfuJoann O ' Leary Every gardener knows he or she must feed the soil in order to have wonderful harvests . I have been lax in doing everything I need because I can 't haul in the manure I need for my gardens . Our old pickup needs a transmission so I can 't use it like a pickup and go pick up the free manure available to me . This has been very frustrating to me . The first year we were here Phils friend delivered large quantities of horse manure . . . . . but he moved away . I found lots of hay this year at a reasonable rate , some free so I was able to get more mulch down than I did last year . I have been collecting rabbit manure from a young woman close to my office . She puts it in a closed bucket , I pick up a new load every couple of weeks . I noticed lots of bags of leaves beside her house so I asked her if I could have them . Of course she was happy to get rid of them . I found that with the seats down the recycling bags fit very well in my SUV . This last week I have gone out every day at lunch to find bags of leaves . . . . . . . I think I have brought home over 50 huge bags for the gardens . I think I got started on it way to late , the leaves are almost all raked up and hauled off to the landfill . Next year , I am going to get started on this in the early fall . What a great way to feed my garden for FREE ! ! ! Hopefully I can convince Phil to get the transmission on the truck replaced before next year so we can use it like a truck . I don 't mind doing some work to get free manure . I will admit it was wonderful when Jeremy needed a place to dump manure and he brought out the trailer full and left it here . Sigh . I realize that this land has become so important to me . I want to make it better . I want to feed the soil and help it become more fertile . It is a wonderful feeling to open a jar of soup on a cold day and know that everything in that delicious bowl was grown here . I will probably never be talented enough to grow most of what we consume , but I love what we are doing now ! My niece called me a few weeks ago to ask for advice on canning . It was so exPosted by Olivia is 5 now . Enjoy her pictures Can you believe those eyes ? Look at Farmer Caelums overalls . Oh Grandpa , I love it ! Her other gift was a dance skirt . She loves to twirl and twirl Olivia turned 5 this week . Schedules often dont mesh , so we were not able to see her on her actual birthday . Delana said she would come out Saturday afternoon to visit and I said I would make a cake . I have been feeling very lonely for mom so asked Delana if she thought Olivia would like a Barbie doll cake like Mom used to make for her with the sticky sweet seven minute frosting . Delana thought that would be a great idea . . . . . . . . . . I could not find an angel food cake pan in my house . . . . . . . . . . . . wonder if I got rid of it when we moved ? wonder if it is just in a box somewhere and I will find it in a week or two . So , I did the next best thing and went to Hyvee and bought an angel food cake . Saturday morning I got the Barbie doll out of her box and put her next to the cake . Oh man , the cake only came to her knees . I decided to try to sit her down on the plate with the cake around her . . . . . . the cake was to high for that , and what in the world was I going to do with her feet sicking out ? ? ? ? Phil and I had to go into Omaha to the rental house for some maintaince . . . that didn 't work out so we went to Wal Mart and got some turkeys ! We picked up another angel food cake while we were in Omaha ( after hitting an estate sale and getting some much needed shelving ) . I put the two cakes together and they were STILL well below Barbie 's middle where the skirt should start . WHY oh why didn 't I watch Mom a little closer . I finally decided to put Barbie into a paper cup and frost the cup into the cake . The frosting was definantly not Mom 's 7 minute frosting , but it was good ! I managed to tint the frosting purple , one of Olivia 's favorite colors . The results were not perfect , but Olivia loved it and that is ALL that matters . We had a wonderful afternoon . After the cake ( yep , I forgot the ice cream ! ! ) the kids and I went outside to play . They helped me dig hoseraidish then dug for treasure . Olivia found a gold rock . They played in leaves and hay and the girls rolled down the hill . That is something they never seem to tire of . Posted Joann O ' Leary It feels like this week has been about a month long . Last Saturday Phil was tired , and just didn 't feel well . Sunday his face was red and swollen . He would not go to the doctor but said he would go Monday after work . Monday he was just not able to stay at work for his entire shift , so left as soon as a replacement could come in and went to the emergency room . I am so glad he did because he had a skin infection , caused by a Strep of Staff infection that came into his body via a scratch or scrape of some kind ( We get scraped up constantly out here ! ) . The name is erysipelas ( I still can 't get it into my head how to say it ) . Phil called me from the hospital and told me he had been admitted . I of course told my boss I had to go , and got there as quickly as possible . When I walked into his room ( it was the same wing of the hospital that Dad spent so much time in over the last 8 years of his life ) I didn 't recognize the man laying in the bed . His face was beet red and swollen to twice the normal size . He spent the next 4 days in bed being pumped full of antibiotics via an IV , also taking them in pill form . He was pretty miserable ! Wednesday evening he started coming around and smiled at me . . . . Thursday morning he joked with me on the telephone . It wasn 't until yesterday when we were talking he finally told me that the doctor said it was a good thing he came in when he did . I of course asked him why , he said if he had waited much longer his organs would have started to shut down and the swelling could make his throat close up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Isn 't it frightening how fragile our bodies are ? On an good note . Tuesday I was talking with my boss and in a somewhat joking question asked him if I was going to loose my job over a contract that I thought I was going to loose plus the possible sale of the company . He called me into his office a little later and told me how proud he is of the work I do and told me that he had put in the paperwork for a promotion previously and had just heard an affirmation on it . Along with the promotioPosted by Remember all the beautiful trees from a week ago . . . . . . . . . well this is what is all looks like now . Delana and the kids came out to show off their halloween costumes and Caelum decided that the leaves were just to much fun not to play . He convinced me to come help him rake them up . . . . . . . . . He is so good at the Tom Sawyer tricks ( painting the wall is so much fun . . . . you are going to LOVE it ) . Maggie and Mollie like paying in the leaves as much as the kids do Poor Olivia had leaf dust in her eyes Caelum posed for this photo , and said the caption should be " There is nothing sweeter than a boy and his dog " . Under all that red hair is Olivia . Maggie is almost as big as Olivia now ! Can you see Caelum ? He really is under all those leaves The next day I went out to gather the leaves for the garden . I raked and moved all of these , then raked another couple of spots and pulled them to the bottom garden as well . It is wonderful . I have about 6 " of leaves on one part of the garden . The soil is just going to love me next spring .
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" Well , how 've you been ? " he said before taking a sip of his wine . " Fine , fine , " she said , looking nervous . She thoughtlessly wringed her hands as she looked around the restaurant . He noticed . " You seem agitated . " She turned back to him and brought her hands below the table , out of sight . She said nothing . " Is this awkward for you ? " he asked her . " A bit , yeah . Isn 't it for you ? " He smiled , grateful for the hydroquinone he took before coming . " Not at all ; I was looking forward to seeing you again . " They sat there , she looking around the room , her hands , anywhere but him , while he tried to think of what to say next . He wanted to talk about their son , Chris . If he said " her " son , he might come across as too distant . " His " son might seem too overbearing and possessive . He certainly couldn 't use " Chris , " since that was the name of the lover she took while he was on assignment . " What about our son ? How 's he doing ? " " Chris is great . He 's starting to say complete sentences . They aren 't always grammatically correct , but you can tell what he 's trying to say , " she said with a smile . She started to feel more relaxed , and talked more freely . " He 's doing a lot better than Pam 's kid . Serves him right after what he did to Chris . " She must think I already know what happened , that she already told me , he thought . Maybe she told Chris , her lover , about it , and is confusing the two of us . I wonder if he has a kid at the same pre - school , and that 's how the two of them met . I can 't really ask her about that , at least not yet . I want to try and get her back , not push her away . " I 'm sorry , what did Pam 's son do to Chris ? " " Well , it wasn 't just one thing , he just acted like a bully . You know , taking his toys away , pushing him down , that sort of thing , " she said after drinking some of her wine . Narrowing her eyes , she added , " Don 't you remember ? " In fact , his memory finally did kick in as she was describing it . He felt very embarrassed and reached for his glass . Posted by Painful throbbing in my jaws makes me think of nothing but itself . I feel like my head is exploding , no , not my head , not the whole head , just my nasal cavity . I feel like I 've been punched repeatedly by somebody I 've somehow wronged , although really I try and stay out of other people 's ways and agree with them at all times , even if I 'm lying . As an aside , this has made me , again , a completely nice and wholly agreeable person , an extremely talented liar . I feel like the only thing that can get rid of this pain is a cigarette , maybe a bunch of pills , that or grinding my teeth until they crack and shatter . I 've already had one , two … five cigarettes , and I 'll need my teeth to chew on the overcooked chicken breast my girlfriend is currently preparing in the kitchen so I look for some aspirin , find it , take it , and proceed to look for something else to chew on while the medicine takes effect . Wandering aimlessly in pain , doing all of my searching subconsciously , I find some toothpicks . Toothpicks we bought last year for the appetizers we brought to her family reunion . My mind returns and I find myself in the kitchen , staring blankly in the direction of , though not actually at , pieces of raw chicken meat , covered in … something , although shiny bits of pink still peek through . I curse my subconscious for bringing me here , to the attention of my girlfriend , who looks at me and asks if I 'm going to help . Her tone is one of annoyance , as it has been for several days now . I tell her I have a headache , which isn 't entirely a lie , and that I 'm going to lie down for a bit , lay down for a bit , lie down for a bit . She tells me that she hopes it 'll make me feel better in time for supper , even though I can tell by her tone that she doesn 't care if I feel better or not . As I leave the kitchen , relieved to be leaving her sight , I think about how I should find a new girlfriend , but the lease for the apartment we live at is in both of our names , and there 's still the better part of a year left on it , so I dismiss the idea . Besides , I 'm not the kind of person to do the breaking up . I leave it to the other person to do it for me . It 's never surprised me , and I have yet to empathize with whoever said that breaking up is hard to do . Before I go to the bedroom I head back to the bathroom to put away the aspirin . The mirror covering the medicine cabinet is open slightly , angling the reflection . I say to myself , " Wow , this really changes me perspective on things , " which amuses me , but I don 't even smile because I 'm looking at myself and how fat and ugly I am . The smell of the cooking chicken wakes me up , and I hope it 's done , because I 'm very , very hungry . I reach over for my glasses and put them on . The light blinds me for a moment after I open up the bedroom door . Before I go to check on the food I quickly put my pants back on , not wanting my girlfriend to see me in just my underwear , still self - conscious despite our being together for over a year now . Heading into the kitchen I see her sitting on a stool by the window , smoking a cigarette and reading a book . I can 't tell which one . She acknowledges me without looking up , flicking ash into an ashtray sitting on the windowsill . I walk over to the oven and open it up to check on the chicken . Overdone . I close the oven without taking the chicken out and I 'm immediately grabbed around the waist by my girlfriend , who had put out her cigarette and put down her book . She kisses me and looks at me , smiling . " I love you , " she says . " Do you know how they used to execute people in old Sri Lanka ? " he asked as he wrapped his good arm tightly around her bare shoulders . His seed still clung sticky , warm , and white to her hand . Glistening trails in the hair and skin of his sex formed in the wake of her slow caresses . It twitched from the sensations , but she could see that it was collapsing , growing smaller and smaller , indicating that relations were at an end , as if the question he just asked wasn 't indication enough . " No , master , " she said , politely enough . She was scared of him , but he had been kind enough to her that she had been able to maintain her composure around him . It wasn 't just his size , for he stood at least a head taller than any of the other men in the mansion she and the other girls lived , but his arm . She couldn 't tell what had happened to form the mass of scar tissue and bone that formed his left arm , but it couldn 't have been very pleasant . A harsh looking metal armature ran the length of it , secured to his shoulder with straps and ending in a three - fingered metal claw of a hand , reflecting the three fingers remaining on his natural hand . Secretly she wondered at the workings of the device , but even though she hadn 't left the grounds in years , not since men in three - piece suits and cheap masks had abducted her off the streets a few weeks before her 14th birthday , she still heard about some of the things he had done with that metal arm of his , and this made her afraid to ask about it . Afraid she might hurt him by reminding him of his disfigured arm , afraid he might hurt her by using that same arm . She was especially cautious recently as she was a month late and she could potentially be responsible for two lives now . " They 'd bring the doomed man out to where he 'd meet his fate , " he said , " and laid him down on the ground , guards standing all around him in a large circle . Suddenly , a few of the guards would step aside , opening the circle to allow the executioner and his weapon of choice through . The poor baPosted by I alone wake to the sound of my alarm clock 's grating chimes . I suffer them everyday , not because there 's somewhere I need to be , but because I want to see her . After turning the alarm off I sit up and look around the floor for a shirt from my unkempt , twin - size bed . My fathers ' death and my subsequent inheritance could afford me either a decent place to live , or a temporary respite from work . I chose the latter . At first I enjoyed the free time , but it wasn 't long before I felt empty . I didn 't know what to do with myself . I tried to pick up a hobby but none of them really stuck . Drinking was one of them . That 's how I first saw her . After I quit my job I grew my hair out , but I couldn 't stop shaving . Tried to grow a beard but after a few days the bristly hairs would start to annoy me . They were all I thought about up until I could shave them off . For hours afterwards I would rub my hands across my face , my chin , my neck , gaining pleasure from its un - natural smoothness in comparison to the hairs that had so recently been growing there . They grew there still , but for now I was content to completely forget that fact . I placed the cap back onto the disposable razor and threw it into the waste basket next to the toilet . Look at myself in the mirror , still coated with a thin film of condensation from my recent shower . Stare at my short , brown hair while still rubbing my face with my right hand . Wondered if I would ever become bald . I still had a full head of hair , and neither of my parents were bald , but a grandfather and an uncle , both on my fathers ' side , were bald . Is baldness a recessive gene ? Is that even how it works ? I had been out of school to long to be able to answer either of these questions . With long hair and a clean shave I looked much younger than I actually was . While I would regularly get carded with this look , I had no problem blending into college house parties . I had no friends who went to these parties , much less friends who were even in college . I have no charm or speak with any sort of charisma . What I did have was a case of beer , bought earlier from a convenience store , a legitimate retailer , by me , a legitimate customer with a legitimate form of ID . None of the party - goers knew this , or even cared . It was more beer . They didn 't even notice it was being carried in by someone they didn 't even know . The point was that it was more beer . Of course , I always brought the cheapest case in the store , offering it up to who I thought were the hosts of the party in exchange for my entrance . Once they were distracted , I would drink whatever else they had , which would either be as good or , in most cases , better than what it was that I brought . I did this numerous times at the same house for a few weekends in a row . Mostly it was to see if they would eventually recognize me . They 'd greet me with a smile , alright , but it was always only for the beer . I tried starting conversations with people I 'd seen there before but there was always this look in their eyes like they didn 't know who I was . I kept my long hair in front of my eyes , head tilted downwards , hiding my tears as I drank more and more of their beer . I was stumbling home one morning after a night like this that I first saw her leaving my building . A fight broke out in the next room , something about drinking all their beer . I drunkenly panicked . I looked around the room for a place to hide my plastic cup of stolen beer . I 'm sitting in a recliner , and I 'm comfortable , so I can 't get up . I try and place the beer down next to me but the cup hit the lever and beer splashed onto my hand . I panic some more before I saw a can of the same beer I had brought . Before I 'd left and seen the plate I picked up the can of beer . It was just barely within my reach from the recliner . My fingertips brush its rim and I watch the beer fall over . Its contents spilled out onto the stained carpet , but there wasn 't much left and the flow soon slowed to a stop . The can , now easily within reach , I picked up and filled with what remained in my cup . The cup itself was dropped behind the recliner . In hindsight I 'm sure everyone would 've seen it had their attention not been completely diverted by the increasingly heated argument , or if they weren 't drunk . Apparently I 'd spilled quite a bit when I was transferring the beer , as my leg began to feel quite wet . I felt quite safe wit my alibi as I heard the two men get closer . Watched them for a few minutes , and then felt very bored . I left , not caring if I 'd gotten my money 's worth of their beer . A car was parked at an angle too sharp to have been made by somebody sober . Its license plate was " KERETA . " I walked a few blocks to the nearest gas station with an ATM . There was still plenty of time before the bars closed and I wanted some cash to spend at them . All I had in my wallet was a few ones , an old condom , and my debit card . What happened to my ID ? Must 've left it at the gas station where I bought the case of beer . Turn around and head back , retrace my steps . Walked by many houses playing loud music . Wasn 't really listening , too drunk to think about anything other than my missing license I hope they have it they 'd better fucking have it if it 's not there I swear to fucking Jesus fucking Christ - somebody hits me . Somebody 's fist hits me . I didn 't see it or the person it belonged to coming through my long hair . On the ground , crawling away towards the road . There was a curve of flattened grass and XX XXXXX XXXX XXXX X XXXX XXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XX XXXXXX XXXXXXX . A sharp pain runs through my side . I get up and run in agony . What did I do ? I run some more . I sat in a chair by my door , looking at a cheap wall clock . It was a battery operated analog clock , black and white . I like analog clocks over digital . Something about seeing the hands move . I should pick up a wind - up alarm clock . I can afford it for now . I look online at some random jobs that are available around here . I don 't anything interesting , other than a gun . I don 't need a gun . 5 : 42 . I get up and look through the peephole . The sound of my own breathing becomes extremely obnoxious . I can 't hold my breath . Slowly stroke my crotch . My breathing becomes harsher as my hand moves faster . There she was . She walked past my door , quickly and quietly . I make my way to the bathroom and continue stroking with my eyes closed and my underwear around my ankles . I think about her . We 're in somebody else 's bedroom . The smell of pot still lingers in the air from the others who were here . A new smell arose as we smoked from a hookah that had been set up earlier in the corner of the room . I had thought it 'd be funny if the hookah pipe was passed around the circle in the opposite direction of the joint , but I didn 't bring it up , I just giggled and smoked and laughed and smoked and grew quiet . I put my hand on her leg , slowly caressing it with my middle finger . Now we were alone . It isn 't long before we 're on the bed . I 'm kissing her hard and fingering her just as viciously . Without any prompting she undoes my fly and begins sucking me off while I fall back and get in a position to still finger her , ending up almost in a 69 position but not quite . I 'm glad ; I have mild claustrophobia . I finish cleaning myself up and pull up my underwear as I get off the toilet seat . I wash my hands and walk from the bathroom to the kitchen . My stomach wants me to eat something . Tired . I wake up and go back to the kitchen to pour myself some cereal . I need more milk . There 's nothing on TV , but I watch it anyway . It 's a Tuesday . My slow day . I step outside with the TV still on and the door unlocked . The city seems empty as I drive around . The fridge was always empty . I buy things to fill itshutupjustshutthefuckup Sitting on the toilet with all of my clothes in a pile next to me I reach over and grab a small knife I 'd placed on the edge of the sink after washing it . Its edge drags over my skin . Faster and faster . Red lines on my thighs . I smoke another joint , then shower . I should grow my hair out again . No . Fuck that . I told her I quit my job so I could take some time off for my grief . Really I just didn 't want to work . For some reason she wanted me to grow my hair out . I hadn 't had long hair since high school . I didn 't care either way . For the first few weeks she would come over quite often , knowing I 'd be home , that I had nowhere else to go . We didn 't fuck , hadn 't fucked in a while . She was just boringbored . I had shit that wanted to do but she didn 't care . I broke up with her before the first month after I quit ended . I still grew my hair out . The first time I was with my new " friend " was at a party . I 'd seen her a few weeks earlier . I followed her the next few weeks . I knew her . I knew some of her friends by name . Followed her to a party . This party . She kept disappearing . I 'd find her again looking drunker and more dis - sheveled each time . I give her a shot and slowly put my hands on her as we talk . I kiss her . Her tongue is numb and rough and tastes of alcohol ; her breath reminds me of a fruity mixed drink and semen . I didn 't care about any of that . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd been kissed with this much passion . We find a room and fuck on the carpet . I 'm on top at first , but she 's on top by the end . She keeps riding me even after I cum . I can 't stand it and want more . I visit my dad where he 's staying at now that my mother divorced him . He 's doped up on the pills the nurses , I don 't know if they 're really nurses , gave him . I can 't tell if he knows I 'm here or who I am . He opens his mouth and a line of spittle falls to his shoulder . I 'm too disgusted to clean it up . He might have looked as if he was already dead if I 'd only taken a glance at him , but I knew he was only dying . I stared at him and his eyes stared right back . That was how I could tell he was still alive . I had never seen a dead person before - though I was sure that would change soon enough - but I felt that if he really was dead he wouldn 't be seeing me , seeing through me , that way . A dry wind blew around us . My eyes flickered while his remained steady . I tried to comfort myself , control my unease , by noting that the wind came from a direction almost directly behind where his body was lying , and there was a large piece of anonymous machinery , rusting to nothing , which blocked some of the wind as well . However , a part of me knew that he wouldn 't have blinked even if the warm wind had blown directly into his face . I thought I heard a noise come from his mouth ; not quite speech , only a breath . A harsh , disgusting breath . Whether the air had been going in or out him I couldn 't tell for sure ; other than the sound I heard there was no telling that anything had occurred between five seconds ago and now . No rise or fall in his chest or stomach . No movement whatsoever . Had he ever blinked ? I didn 't think he did . Otherwise I wouldn 't still be staring at him . I 'd be anywhere but here . Had I even heard that sound , whatever it was , or had my brain been playing a trick on me ? I can 't believe that , though , or even allow that as a possibility . Otherwise , what else was I imagining ? Was I really crouching down in the middle of the wasteland over the shelter staring at this dying stranger ? Of course His eyes moved slightly , breaking his stare . I breathed a sigh of relief and put my head down , relaxing my stiff neck muscles . How long had I been staring at him , as motionless as he ? Looking back at him I saw that his head had turned away from me . His mouth was now as wide open as his eyes , which stared up at the dull , yellow clouds of sand and sky which constantly hung over the dull , yellow rocks and rusting hulks that covered the only bit of Outside I 'd known all my life . I had time to get up , but I shouldn 't have looked back at him at all after he had quit staring at me . I should have run , but I didn 't . I can 't remember now if I really could , can 't remember that his stare had even been broken , all I can think of is his eyes and what they were trying to tell me . I was scared , too scared to have gotten up and gotten away . Yeah , that 's it , scared . His eyelids twitched , a hint of a squint . I felt a bit of relief and finally realized that he was scared as well . That 's what they were trying to tell me , what he was trying to tell me . He was a human being and he was dying . I might have been sharing in that fear before , but fear is fear , and I don 't know if there really was a difference between what I felt before and what he was feeling now . His eyes seemed like the last bit of him that was still holding on to life . The rest of his body still hadn 't moved . The only bit of movement was simply a flap of cloth moving in the breeze . A small creature , one I couldn 't recognize in my peripheral vision , began pawing at his fingertips . Either he didn 't notice or didn 't care because his eyes remained as still as ever . He felt to me like he was giving me his permission to look , so I did . The creature , still unrecognizable in full view , something that looked like it could be either some kind of mouse or chipmunk , was chewing his finger . A bit of blood dripped onto the sand and was quickly absorbed by it . I could see the pink of his flesh poking through a layer of red before it was covered by the things head as it began to chew off more . He didn 't move . I looked back into his eyes one more time , staring , keeping my eyes open through the tears . I don 't know if they were from keeping my eyes open so long in the dry and dusty air or if it was because I felt sorry for him . His eyebrows moved slightly together and he squinted tight . I knew what he was saying . I knew he wanted to crawl over to me , grab me , tell me everything , every regret , every person he 'd ever loved , every lesson he 'd learned , but he couldn 't . Slowly his eyes drifted . He died , and I saw it happen . I stood up slowly , knees stiff . The creature looked up at me for a moment with its black , emotionless eyes , blood covering the fur around its mouth , then went back to its meal . I 'm sure more would be coming later , among other animals I was more familiar with , but I wouldn 't be here to see them . It crossed my mind to capture this creature and bring it back to the shelter with me to find out if the others knew what it was , but I knew I shouldn 't even bother with it and to just get home as quickly as possible . I took one last look at the now dead man and headed home . Metal hulks whizzed by as I ran around and sometimes through them . Strange symbols covered most of them , but I doubt anybody still alive knew what they meant . These things were all that was left from the Great War that drove my ancestors underground . The elders would tell us kids stories about the war but as I got older I began to doubt them more and more . I still listened just as intently , but only because the stories themselves were so fascinating : Kadrekya , the Tower , who could smite armies with his huge hammer ; Shatra , the Beautiful , a magician who used his powers to slay many evil men and their pet abominations ; Boteg , the Defiler , a disgusting wizard who cursed an entire kingdom so that all of the plants there would die and none of its animals could give birth . Just stories . It takes a bit to get home , even taking the fastest way that I can . I can 't go straight , this is drilled into us before we learn any other phrases , long before we are allowed to go outside . They know we will go outside before we are old enough , but the one rule we never broke was to never go straight home . The people from Outside would do anything to have what we have , like the man I was running from . That 's why I had to kill him . I 'm sitting on a dusty wooden bench , staring down at my foot . The left one . Two weeks ago , me and the rest of our town 's militia fended off an attack from a neighboring tribe . One of them swung at me with an axe , a downward stroke he put all of his energy behind . I was able to avoid getting killed , but the bastard chopped off the ends of the first three toes on my left foot . My wife , Sani , applied the usual herbs in a poultice , but it refuses to heal . That 's why I 'm here , waiting to see the shaman in the next town over . He 's known in lands farther off than I 've been to . A miracle worker , many call him . I don 't need a miracle ; I just need the stubs of my toes to stop oozing blood and pus . I 'm still staring at it . The ends of each of the wounded toes are wrapped up tightly ; Sani did that right before I left . The skin around those toes , and the undamaged ones , as well , are red and swollen . Bending my toes and walking are painful affairs . I press down on the top of my foot . The skin turns white around my finger , and stays white after I release , but only for a moment . Then it goes back to red . Under the bandages the flesh is pink and wet , with bloated pockets of white and green near the surface . The bones , which had been even with the flesh , are starting to stick out as the flesh slowly recedes back . The smell is terrible . I look up and see the man who brought me here , a farmer , talking to somebody . I can 't hear what they 're saying , but I can tell they 've known each other for a long time . They start to laugh . There were a few other people he 'd brought along with me , but I can 't see them anywhere . I don 't know what business brought the farmer here , it 's neither planting season , nor harvest , but he did not charge me or any of the other travelers any silver , so he must 've been coming here anyways . We live in a small enough town I would 've heard if one of his animals died or if one of his pieces of equipment broke . Maybe I 'm witnessing the reason for his trip right now : a social call . Maybe I 'll ask him on our way back . I wonder what it would be like to be blind . Closing my eyes I hear people chattering , the birds chirping at each other , the soft flap of cloth in the wind . I try and orient myself , but I feel the onset of dizziness despite being seated the whole time , and quickly open my eyes . What a punishment that would be ! To be given sight by the Great Maker only to have it taken away from you . I think death would be preferable . I should bring this up to the town elders as an alternative to execution . The others turn their heads in the direction of the tent , and I follow their gaze . A woman comes out , all tears and smiles . I 'm glad for her , but I 'm more curious about what 's in that tent . I try to look past her , into the tent , but it 's too dark , and the flap closes behind the woman too quickly for me to see anything . The man sitting closest to the tent gets up slowly and hobbles in . He barely opens the flap , preventing me again from seeing anything inside . The others start to get up to fill in the space left by the man who went in . I steel myself against the pain I know will come from putting pressure on my foot . Once there 's room , I quickly get up , grimace , shuffle over , and sit down . Unfortunately , I didn 't look at where I was sitting , and I catch only part of the end of the bench I was sitting on . It tilts slightly , as there was nobody seated to counterbalance me , and then I fall to the ground painfully . The man to my right , with one arm in a sling , gives me his good hand , and helps me up . Carefully , I sit back down , more squarely on the supports this time . " Well , you 're a regular hero , ain 't you ? " he says with a smile on his face . I can 't tell if he 's being genuine or sarcastic . Just in case he is being sarcastic , I draw back a bit . He was being genuine , and wouldn 't be deterred . " Still , your wife musta been proud of you . " His smile widens . " I 'll bet you got some action that night ! " I smile . " I sure did . " I didn 't . I didn 't chop off the head off the man who cut off my toes . I didn 't even have anything to could 've chopped off his head , or any other part for that matter . All I had was a stone club with a simple wooden handle . As that man stood there with his axe head embedded in the ground , toes on one side , the rest of me on the other , I hit him on the back of his head as quickly as I could . There was nothing there to protect his skull besides his long hair , which didn 't do much to cushion the blow . He let go of his weapon and fell face first into the ground . Terror and anger and pain and joy went into every swing after that . There wasn 't too much left of his head left after I was done , just a bunch of bloody hair sitting on one end of a dead body . That night was spent in a painful fever , vomiting every so often , thinking about what I had done and the sight of his brains sticking to my club , dark from the blood . I 'd never killed anybody before then . I didn 't think I would have that kind of a reaction before it happened , and I still don 't know what it was that made me so upset . Thinking about it afterwards , even now , doesn 't make my stomach turn . What does is the thought of me red and sweating as I recline on my sofa , retching into a basin my wife is holding . " I don 't know . " He becomes very serious . " I 've heard a lot of things . Never seen any of his fixes personally . Still , he can 't have stayed this popular if he was a sham . My guess is he at least knows some things other people don 't , and that 's good enough for me . " The man on the other side of me turns and speaks to Ged . " He 's a blessed man ! Blessed by the Great Maker to help His creations . No less ! To say otherwise would be a slight against the Maker ! " " Whoa ! Settle down . I didn 't mean any offense . I just don 't hold with a lot of hocus pocus . It doesn 't sit right with me . " We don 't say any more for a while . I can 't seem to find the farmer who brought me here anymore . What was his name ? For some reason , I can 't seem to remember . Hopefully I can find him again once I finish up here . " Wup , he 's coming out , " Ged says , looking past me . I look over to see the man who had almost waddled in walk out as if nothing was wrong , huge grin on his face . Everyone moves over one space again after a woman leads a scrawny boy into the tent . " Watch yourself , " Ged jokes . I sit back down and the throbbing pain slowly fades away . I try and count how many times I 'll have to repeat this process , but it 's hard for me to tell who 's with somebody else , and who 's by themselves . I think I see one of the people from my town who came over with me , but realize it 's not them once I get a good look at them . I look up at the sky . Cloudy . The sun 's already past its zenith . Wonder how long it 'll be before I can see the shaman . Will the others wait for me ? Do they know where to find me ? I told a couple of them I was coming here , but I don 't think I told the farmer . Maybe I did . Maybe he saw me sitting here in line when he was talking to his friend . He wasn 't facing in my direction , so maybe he didn 't see me . I start to panic . Will I have to spend the night here in this town ? I don 't know if I have enough to cover a room , food , and to hire someone to take me back . If my foot 's healed , I should be able to walk back . What if it 's not healed ? What if there 's nothing he can do ? I really need to relieve myself . I don 't want to walk around trying to find somewhere to do that with a busted foot . I can ask Ged if he knows where I can go . He could hold my place for me , as well . Yeah , I think I 'll do that . She keeps telling me she has a boyfriend , as if by that saying that it nullifies everything she has been doing to my friends and me all night . If I was a good person I would 've scolded her , told her she shouldn 't be doing this , and take her home so she can get some rest . If I was a good person , I would 've done that , but I 'm not , and as I spent myself inside her eager mouth her boyfriend was the last thing on my mind . I feel her swallow and I slowly sit back , watching Evan finish fucking her , slightly jealous . I play with her nipples , stiff on her bouncing tits , but she doesn 't seem to notice . This makes me suddenly angry . I pinch , to the threshold of pain , heightened by the twenty - five - year - old distraction pumping in and out of her . My hand moves up to her throat and wraps tightly around it . For a moment her eyes turn to me , her face in a kind of grimace . I smile , wanting to tell her , " I don 't want you to cum . I don 't want you to derive any pleasure from this . " I release her neck , caress her sweaty cheek and forehead , and allow my hand one more pass over her body before I get up and start to put my clothes on . I do it quickly ; I don 't want to see my friend cum , either . Outside , Joey 's already smoking , staring out into the night . I go out and join him , asking what he was looking at as I carefully pry the cigarette from his hand . He says he isn 't looking at anything , that he 's just got a lot on his mind . He always gets like this after one of our group jobs . Come to think of it … " I 'm just wondering if you ever have sex where it 's just you and one other … person , " I say , using my words carefully . I have a feeling he 's homosexual ; I always see him checking out Evan or myself . I wouldn 't mind trying it out some time , but not Joey , or Evan , for that matter . Maybe somebody who looked just like Joey , without those ears . They stick out too much . " Of course , why ? " He gives me a fake smirk , obviously irritated , and reaches again for his cigarette , which I again put in my mouth . I can 't tell if his humor is deadened by his lack of nicotine or his shame . He gives up trying to get his cigarette back and lights up a new one . " What makes you think I can 't ? I can get girls to do us easily enough when we go out . " Driving , I think about that girl . Did she say she had a boyfriend as a pitiful defense against us ? Her nature ? Whatever , it doesn 't matter . Home again . This place makes me feel like what just happened was a dream . I 'm actually happy . Half a bottle of whiskey later , I begin to feel normal again . I wake up with a start the next morning to the sound of the phone ringing by my head . It takes me a moment to realize I 'd slept on the couch again . Reaching above my head to grab the house phone I see that I had neglected to take my watch off and that it had rotated during the night . The face is now on my wrist , slightly off - center . It 's a little after eleven o ' clock . Shit . " Hello , " I answer , knowing my angry girlfriend , Josie , is on the other end , angry because I was supposed to meet her for lunch at eleven . As soon as her familiar pitch kicks in , I let my mind go blank . I try to remember if there was any weed left . Once I remember I don 't , I feel like telling her about last night , but she doesn 't give me a chance to speak . She tells me she 's sick of me , and never wants to see me again . Before I can hang up the phone , she does the same , and I hear the dial tone for a moment before the phone hits the receiver . It doesn 't quite stay hooked , and clatters to the glass end table it 's sitting on . The sound pushes me over the edge , but by the time I sit up to throw the whole thing against the wall my anger is gone , and all that 's left is a desire to eat some shitty Chinese food . I 'm sitting in my car looking over the weed a guy I know at Lou 's Chinese packed in my carry - out bag along with a container of General Tso 's chicken . I immediately see that it wasn 't worth what I paid for it , but there 's enough to last me the next few days until my regular guy can get back to me . He said he was out this week , which may be a lie , but I don 't know him well enough to try and push the issue . Maybe if I did , though , he wouldn 't have held out on me in the first place , but every time I meet with him his body odor cuts through the smell of even the best grass . Plus , he listens to really shitty music . The full repercussions of Josie breaking up with me hit as I sit at home alone with an empty container of Chinese food and my second bowl of weed sitting in front of me . I don 't know if I can be truly happy outside the context of a relationship . Half of the fun I got out of my nights with Joey and Evan came from my having a girlfriend to run around on . Could they be fun in and of themselves ? Maybe . Probably . I don 't know . That 's what scares me . Can I continue , if it 's strictly hollow pleasure - seeking ? Do I need to change my habits , try and make a " better " life for myself ? These are questions I know the answers to , but don 't want to face right now . I load up another bowl to smoke by myself . I don 't know what else to do right now . I don 't know how to change . I keep falling back on my old routines , what I 'm used to , what I 'm familiar with , but she was a part of that routine . Without her , I feel lost , empty . The desire to go back out to the bars is increasing , almost manic , and it 's only two in the afternoon . Only regulars and drunks are out at this time of day , and I know I don 't want that . What do I want ? What do I really want ? Honestly - - want to be close to somebody right now . Not emotionally close , or any of that shit , just physically close . I want to feel their warmth . I want to be able to reach out and feel their skin and not have them shy away in revulsion . I want to hear them breath , put my head on their chest and listen to their heart beat . I should give Joey a call . " Hey . I , uh , was just wondering what you were up to … this afternoon . Tonight . Get back to me once you get a chance . This is Chris . Um , bye . " That was disappointing . I text him on my cell just so he doesn 't feel like he has to call me on my house phone , but after an hour of smoking and drinking and waiting to hear back I give up and take a drive down to the mall . I feel lost . Why did I come here ? I wander back to the movie theater , but the only good movie that 's playing is one that I 've already seen . Before I realize what I 'm doing I 've already bought a ticket , and I 'm walking towards the concession stand to buy a soda because my mouth is dry from smoking too much . I find a place to sit where I can be by myself , which isn 't hard considering this movie 's been out for a few weeks now . I end up watching my phone more than I 'm watching the movie . I light up a cigarette , not caring . Before I 'm halfway done with it , I see somebody get up and head for the exit . The paranoia from all the shitty weed I 've smoked kicks in , and I feel like they 're going to the management to complain , rather than going to the bathroom or the concessions , which they might very well be doing , but I quickly stub my cig out on the floor and head out . I duck into another theater where a different movie is playing . I stay . It ended up not being as bad as I had expected , for as much as I saw of it . I leave the theater and start to drive out of the mall parking lot . After some time I get on the road , and my phone starts buzzing . I get it out of my pants pocket only to drop it on the floorboard in front of the passenger 's seat . Reaching down to pick it up , my car stops . My head hits hard against the dials of my car 's radio . My sight goes blank for a second . I look through my windshield to see a blue SUV sitting far too close to me , and a red light suspended right above it . I put my car into park and get out , not really thinking about what I 'm doing . The adrenaline pumping through me makes my arms and legs feel partially numb , and I have to force myself to keep steady . Maybe that weed was better than I thought . I really can 't think straight right now . A woman in her 40 's comes out of the SUV . All I can really tell about her is that she keeps herself in shape , but is far too tan for my taste . She 's speaking , yelling , actually , but none of it 's getting through . I tell my hand to reach back and get my wallet . The best it can do is land on my hip and slowly crawl to my back pocket . I finally have me wallet open in front of me after what seems like an eternity . Staring down at it , I can 't seem to find my insurance card . Turning my head back up to the angry woman , thinking I 'll just hand over my entire wallet and let her find it , I see that she 's now pointing at a spot which I think is behind me and to my left . I turn to look at what she 's pointing at but there 's nobody , nothing . She keeps pointing , this time adding a motion , her hand sliding down her face . I still can 't hear what she 's saying . I look again , still nothing . Maybe she wasn 't pointing past me , but at me , at the side of my face . I force my hand to mimic the motion she made . It feels wet . I bring my hand back in front of me and see more blood than I 'm used to seeing . My shoulder suddenly feels very wet and I panic for a moment before my head goes light . I 'm dizzy . My legs tingle , then go numb entirely . I can 't tell if it 's the loss of blood , the knock I took to my head , or all the weed I smoked , but I 'm falling . I hear the light slap of my wallet hitting the asphalt right before I fall to my knees . Feeling returns to my legs , and that feeling is pain . Somehow that triggered my brain into remembering what pain was , because now the entire side of my face explodes . All I can do is lie down as my eyes well up . I want to just die . I want to … My mother is telling me that her and my father are moving to Arizona . She 's telling me they 're taking my younger sister and leaving me the house . I 'm watching something on TV . I 'm angry with her , I can 't remember why , and I turn up the volume . I don 't even look at her once while she 's speaking , but I can tell from the sound of her voice that she 's upset . Her disappointment pierces right through the sales pitch of somebody I don 't know trying to sell me and the rest of America something we don 't need . I ignore her until she leaves . I 'm waking up to a grid of tiles and lights and a throbbing pain in my head . I start to look around , and I see both Josie and Joey sitting next to the bed I 'm lying in . It takes me a moment to realize I 'm in a hospital and not a hotel room ; the curtain rail tracing its way around my bed and rails on the bed itself gives it away . They don 't seem too thrilled to see me wake up , but they 're familiar faces , so that doesn 't bother me too much . What does bother me is that his hand is on her shoulder , with the other one on his lap . I see that both of her arms are angled toward him , and I can only assume she is holding his hand , but the bed 's blocking me from seeing it and knowing for sure . I put my head back on the pillow and close my eyes , clenching my teeth , rage blending with pain . I don 't want them together . I don 't want that at all . " They said you weren 't hurt too badly . I don 't know if they 'll let you leave tonight , still . " She gets up . " I 'll go tell somebody you 've woken up . Come on , Joey . " He follows her out without saying another word , like an obedient dog . Why did they have to call her ? A nurse comes in and does a basic checkup . The light she points in my eyes hurts like hell from my headache . I 'm not really paying attention to what she 's saying . All I can think about is Josie and Joey fucking . Josie and Joey . The similarity in their names makes me laugh . The nurse gives me a strange look , a nervous smile , then leaves . I want them to stay together . I want them to get married . I want them to get monogrammed towels . The doctor comes in with my x - rays and I can 't stop laughing about monogrammed towels .
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" Well , how 've you been ? " he said before taking a sip of his wine . " Fine , fine , " she said , looking nervous . She thoughtlessly wringed her hands as she looked around the restaurant . He noticed . " You seem agitated . " She turned back to him and brought her hands below the table , out of sight . She said nothing . " Is this awkward for you ? " he asked her . " A bit , yeah . Isn 't it for you ? " He smiled , grateful for the hydroquinone he took before coming . " Not at all ; I was looking forward to seeing you again . " They sat there , she looking around the room , her hands , anywhere but him , while he tried to think of what to say next . He wanted to talk about their son , Chris . If he said " her " son , he might come across as too distant . " His " son might seem too overbearing and possessive . He certainly couldn 't use " Chris , " since that was the name of the lover she took while he was on assignment . " What about our son ? How 's he doing ? " " Chris is great . He 's starting to say complete sentences . They aren 't always grammatically correct , but you can tell what he 's trying to say , " she said with a smile . She started to feel more relaxed , and talked more freely . " He 's doing a lot better than Pam 's kid . Serves him right after what he did to Chris . " She must think I already know what happened , that she already told me , he thought . Maybe she told Chris , her lover , about it , and is confusing the two of us . I wonder if he has a kid at the same pre - school , and that 's how the two of them met . I can 't really ask her about that , at least not yet . I want to try and get her back , not push her away . " I 'm sorry , what did Pam 's son do to Chris ? " " Well , it wasn 't just one thing , he just acted like a bully . You know , taking his toys away , pushing him down , that sort of thing , " she said after drinking some of her wine . Narrowing her eyes , she added , " Don 't you remember ? " In fact , his memory finally did kick in as she was describing it . He felt very embarrassed and reached for his glass . Posted by Painful throbbing in my jaws makes me think of nothing but itself . I feel like my head is exploding , no , not my head , not the whole head , just my nasal cavity . I feel like I 've been punched repeatedly by somebody I 've somehow wronged , although really I try and stay out of other people 's ways and agree with them at all times , even if I 'm lying . As an aside , this has made me , again , a completely nice and wholly agreeable person , an extremely talented liar . I feel like the only thing that can get rid of this pain is a cigarette , maybe a bunch of pills , that or grinding my teeth until they crack and shatter . I 've already had one , two … five cigarettes , and I 'll need my teeth to chew on the overcooked chicken breast my girlfriend is currently preparing in the kitchen so I look for some aspirin , find it , take it , and proceed to look for something else to chew on while the medicine takes effect . Wandering aimlessly in pain , doing all of my searching subconsciously , I find some toothpicks . Toothpicks we bought last year for the appetizers we brought to her family reunion . My mind returns and I find myself in the kitchen , staring blankly in the direction of , though not actually at , pieces of raw chicken meat , covered in … something , although shiny bits of pink still peek through . I curse my subconscious for bringing me here , to the attention of my girlfriend , who looks at me and asks if I 'm going to help . Her tone is one of annoyance , as it has been for several days now . I tell her I have a headache , which isn 't entirely a lie , and that I 'm going to lie down for a bit , lay down for a bit , lie down for a bit . She tells me that she hopes it 'll make me feel better in time for supper , even though I can tell by her tone that she doesn 't care if I feel better or not . As I leave the kitchen , relieved to be leaving her sight , I think about how I should find a new girlfriend , but the lease for the apartment we live at is in both of our names , and there 's still the better part of a year left on it , so I dismiss the idea . Besides , I 'm not the kind of person to do the breaking up . I leave it to the other person to do it for me . It 's never surprised me , and I have yet to empathize with whoever said that breaking up is hard to do . Before I go to the bedroom I head back to the bathroom to put away the aspirin . The mirror covering the medicine cabinet is open slightly , angling the reflection . I say to myself , " Wow , this really changes me perspective on things , " which amuses me , but I don 't even smile because I 'm looking at myself and how fat and ugly I am . The smell of the cooking chicken wakes me up , and I hope it 's done , because I 'm very , very hungry . I reach over for my glasses and put them on . The light blinds me for a moment after I open up the bedroom door . Before I go to check on the food I quickly put my pants back on , not wanting my girlfriend to see me in just my underwear , still self - conscious despite our being together for over a year now . Heading into the kitchen I see her sitting on a stool by the window , smoking a cigarette and reading a book . I can 't tell which one . She acknowledges me without looking up , flicking ash into an ashtray sitting on the windowsill . I walk over to the oven and open it up to check on the chicken . Overdone . I close the oven without taking the chicken out and I 'm immediately grabbed around the waist by my girlfriend , who had put out her cigarette and put down her book . She kisses me and looks at me , smiling . " I love you , " she says . " Do you know how they used to execute people in old Sri Lanka ? " he asked as he wrapped his good arm tightly around her bare shoulders . His seed still clung sticky , warm , and white to her hand . Glistening trails in the hair and skin of his sex formed in the wake of her slow caresses . It twitched from the sensations , but she could see that it was collapsing , growing smaller and smaller , indicating that relations were at an end , as if the question he just asked wasn 't indication enough . " No , master , " she said , politely enough . She was scared of him , but he had been kind enough to her that she had been able to maintain her composure around him . It wasn 't just his size , for he stood at least a head taller than any of the other men in the mansion she and the other girls lived , but his arm . She couldn 't tell what had happened to form the mass of scar tissue and bone that formed his left arm , but it couldn 't have been very pleasant . A harsh looking metal armature ran the length of it , secured to his shoulder with straps and ending in a three - fingered metal claw of a hand , reflecting the three fingers remaining on his natural hand . Secretly she wondered at the workings of the device , but even though she hadn 't left the grounds in years , not since men in three - piece suits and cheap masks had abducted her off the streets a few weeks before her 14th birthday , she still heard about some of the things he had done with that metal arm of his , and this made her afraid to ask about it . Afraid she might hurt him by reminding him of his disfigured arm , afraid he might hurt her by using that same arm . She was especially cautious recently as she was a month late and she could potentially be responsible for two lives now . " They 'd bring the doomed man out to where he 'd meet his fate , " he said , " and laid him down on the ground , guards standing all around him in a large circle . Suddenly , a few of the guards would step aside , opening the circle to allow the executioner and his weapon of choice through . The poor baPosted by I alone wake to the sound of my alarm clock 's grating chimes . I suffer them everyday , not because there 's somewhere I need to be , but because I want to see her . After turning the alarm off I sit up and look around the floor for a shirt from my unkempt , twin - size bed . My fathers ' death and my subsequent inheritance could afford me either a decent place to live , or a temporary respite from work . I chose the latter . At first I enjoyed the free time , but it wasn 't long before I felt empty . I didn 't know what to do with myself . I tried to pick up a hobby but none of them really stuck . Drinking was one of them . That 's how I first saw her . After I quit my job I grew my hair out , but I couldn 't stop shaving . Tried to grow a beard but after a few days the bristly hairs would start to annoy me . They were all I thought about up until I could shave them off . For hours afterwards I would rub my hands across my face , my chin , my neck , gaining pleasure from its un - natural smoothness in comparison to the hairs that had so recently been growing there . They grew there still , but for now I was content to completely forget that fact . I placed the cap back onto the disposable razor and threw it into the waste basket next to the toilet . Look at myself in the mirror , still coated with a thin film of condensation from my recent shower . Stare at my short , brown hair while still rubbing my face with my right hand . Wondered if I would ever become bald . I still had a full head of hair , and neither of my parents were bald , but a grandfather and an uncle , both on my fathers ' side , were bald . Is baldness a recessive gene ? Is that even how it works ? I had been out of school to long to be able to answer either of these questions . With long hair and a clean shave I looked much younger than I actually was . While I would regularly get carded with this look , I had no problem blending into college house parties . I had no friends who went to these parties , much less friends who were even in college . I have no charm or speak with any sort of charisma . What I did have was a case of beer , bought earlier from a convenience store , a legitimate retailer , by me , a legitimate customer with a legitimate form of ID . None of the party - goers knew this , or even cared . It was more beer . They didn 't even notice it was being carried in by someone they didn 't even know . The point was that it was more beer . Of course , I always brought the cheapest case in the store , offering it up to who I thought were the hosts of the party in exchange for my entrance . Once they were distracted , I would drink whatever else they had , which would either be as good or , in most cases , better than what it was that I brought . I did this numerous times at the same house for a few weekends in a row . Mostly it was to see if they would eventually recognize me . They 'd greet me with a smile , alright , but it was always only for the beer . I tried starting conversations with people I 'd seen there before but there was always this look in their eyes like they didn 't know who I was . I kept my long hair in front of my eyes , head tilted downwards , hiding my tears as I drank more and more of their beer . I was stumbling home one morning after a night like this that I first saw her leaving my building . A fight broke out in the next room , something about drinking all their beer . I drunkenly panicked . I looked around the room for a place to hide my plastic cup of stolen beer . I 'm sitting in a recliner , and I 'm comfortable , so I can 't get up . I try and place the beer down next to me but the cup hit the lever and beer splashed onto my hand . I panic some more before I saw a can of the same beer I had brought . Before I 'd left and seen the plate I picked up the can of beer . It was just barely within my reach from the recliner . My fingertips brush its rim and I watch the beer fall over . Its contents spilled out onto the stained carpet , but there wasn 't much left and the flow soon slowed to a stop . The can , now easily within reach , I picked up and filled with what remained in my cup . The cup itself was dropped behind the recliner . In hindsight I 'm sure everyone would 've seen it had their attention not been completely diverted by the increasingly heated argument , or if they weren 't drunk . Apparently I 'd spilled quite a bit when I was transferring the beer , as my leg began to feel quite wet . I felt quite safe wit my alibi as I heard the two men get closer . Watched them for a few minutes , and then felt very bored . I left , not caring if I 'd gotten my money 's worth of their beer . A car was parked at an angle too sharp to have been made by somebody sober . Its license plate was " KERETA . " I walked a few blocks to the nearest gas station with an ATM . There was still plenty of time before the bars closed and I wanted some cash to spend at them . All I had in my wallet was a few ones , an old condom , and my debit card . What happened to my ID ? Must 've left it at the gas station where I bought the case of beer . Turn around and head back , retrace my steps . Walked by many houses playing loud music . Wasn 't really listening , too drunk to think about anything other than my missing license I hope they have it they 'd better fucking have it if it 's not there I swear to fucking Jesus fucking Christ - somebody hits me . Somebody 's fist hits me . I didn 't see it or the person it belonged to coming through my long hair . On the ground , crawling away towards the road . There was a curve of flattened grass and XX XXXXX XXXX XXXX X XXXX XXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XX XXXXXX XXXXXXX . A sharp pain runs through my side . I get up and run in agony . What did I do ? I run some more . I sat in a chair by my door , looking at a cheap wall clock . It was a battery operated analog clock , black and white . I like analog clocks over digital . Something about seeing the hands move . I should pick up a wind - up alarm clock . I can afford it for now . I look online at some random jobs that are available around here . I don 't anything interesting , other than a gun . I don 't need a gun . 5 : 42 . I get up and look through the peephole . The sound of my own breathing becomes extremely obnoxious . I can 't hold my breath . Slowly stroke my crotch . My breathing becomes harsher as my hand moves faster . There she was . She walked past my door , quickly and quietly . I make my way to the bathroom and continue stroking with my eyes closed and my underwear around my ankles . I think about her . We 're in somebody else 's bedroom . The smell of pot still lingers in the air from the others who were here . A new smell arose as we smoked from a hookah that had been set up earlier in the corner of the room . I had thought it 'd be funny if the hookah pipe was passed around the circle in the opposite direction of the joint , but I didn 't bring it up , I just giggled and smoked and laughed and smoked and grew quiet . I put my hand on her leg , slowly caressing it with my middle finger . Now we were alone . It isn 't long before we 're on the bed . I 'm kissing her hard and fingering her just as viciously . Without any prompting she undoes my fly and begins sucking me off while I fall back and get in a position to still finger her , ending up almost in a 69 position but not quite . I 'm glad ; I have mild claustrophobia . I finish cleaning myself up and pull up my underwear as I get off the toilet seat . I wash my hands and walk from the bathroom to the kitchen . My stomach wants me to eat something . Tired . I wake up and go back to the kitchen to pour myself some cereal . I need more milk . There 's nothing on TV , but I watch it anyway . It 's a Tuesday . My slow day . I step outside with the TV still on and the door unlocked . The city seems empty as I drive around . The fridge was always empty . I buy things to fill itshutupjustshutthefuckup Sitting on the toilet with all of my clothes in a pile next to me I reach over and grab a small knife I 'd placed on the edge of the sink after washing it . Its edge drags over my skin . Faster and faster . Red lines on my thighs . I smoke another joint , then shower . I should grow my hair out again . No . Fuck that . I told her I quit my job so I could take some time off for my grief . Really I just didn 't want to work . For some reason she wanted me to grow my hair out . I hadn 't had long hair since high school . I didn 't care either way . For the first few weeks she would come over quite often , knowing I 'd be home , that I had nowhere else to go . We didn 't fuck , hadn 't fucked in a while . She was just boringbored . I had shit that wanted to do but she didn 't care . I broke up with her before the first month after I quit ended . I still grew my hair out . The first time I was with my new " friend " was at a party . I 'd seen her a few weeks earlier . I followed her the next few weeks . I knew her . I knew some of her friends by name . Followed her to a party . This party . She kept disappearing . I 'd find her again looking drunker and more dis - sheveled each time . I give her a shot and slowly put my hands on her as we talk . I kiss her . Her tongue is numb and rough and tastes of alcohol ; her breath reminds me of a fruity mixed drink and semen . I didn 't care about any of that . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd been kissed with this much passion . We find a room and fuck on the carpet . I 'm on top at first , but she 's on top by the end . She keeps riding me even after I cum . I can 't stand it and want more . I visit my dad where he 's staying at now that my mother divorced him . He 's doped up on the pills the nurses , I don 't know if they 're really nurses , gave him . I can 't tell if he knows I 'm here or who I am . He opens his mouth and a line of spittle falls to his shoulder . I 'm too disgusted to clean it up . He might have looked as if he was already dead if I 'd only taken a glance at him , but I knew he was only dying . I stared at him and his eyes stared right back . That was how I could tell he was still alive . I had never seen a dead person before - though I was sure that would change soon enough - but I felt that if he really was dead he wouldn 't be seeing me , seeing through me , that way . A dry wind blew around us . My eyes flickered while his remained steady . I tried to comfort myself , control my unease , by noting that the wind came from a direction almost directly behind where his body was lying , and there was a large piece of anonymous machinery , rusting to nothing , which blocked some of the wind as well . However , a part of me knew that he wouldn 't have blinked even if the warm wind had blown directly into his face . I thought I heard a noise come from his mouth ; not quite speech , only a breath . A harsh , disgusting breath . Whether the air had been going in or out him I couldn 't tell for sure ; other than the sound I heard there was no telling that anything had occurred between five seconds ago and now . No rise or fall in his chest or stomach . No movement whatsoever . Had he ever blinked ? I didn 't think he did . Otherwise I wouldn 't still be staring at him . I 'd be anywhere but here . Had I even heard that sound , whatever it was , or had my brain been playing a trick on me ? I can 't believe that , though , or even allow that as a possibility . Otherwise , what else was I imagining ? Was I really crouching down in the middle of the wasteland over the shelter staring at this dying stranger ? Of course His eyes moved slightly , breaking his stare . I breathed a sigh of relief and put my head down , relaxing my stiff neck muscles . How long had I been staring at him , as motionless as he ? Looking back at him I saw that his head had turned away from me . His mouth was now as wide open as his eyes , which stared up at the dull , yellow clouds of sand and sky which constantly hung over the dull , yellow rocks and rusting hulks that covered the only bit of Outside I 'd known all my life . I had time to get up , but I shouldn 't have looked back at him at all after he had quit staring at me . I should have run , but I didn 't . I can 't remember now if I really could , can 't remember that his stare had even been broken , all I can think of is his eyes and what they were trying to tell me . I was scared , too scared to have gotten up and gotten away . Yeah , that 's it , scared . His eyelids twitched , a hint of a squint . I felt a bit of relief and finally realized that he was scared as well . That 's what they were trying to tell me , what he was trying to tell me . He was a human being and he was dying . I might have been sharing in that fear before , but fear is fear , and I don 't know if there really was a difference between what I felt before and what he was feeling now . His eyes seemed like the last bit of him that was still holding on to life . The rest of his body still hadn 't moved . The only bit of movement was simply a flap of cloth moving in the breeze . A small creature , one I couldn 't recognize in my peripheral vision , began pawing at his fingertips . Either he didn 't notice or didn 't care because his eyes remained as still as ever . He felt to me like he was giving me his permission to look , so I did . The creature , still unrecognizable in full view , something that looked like it could be either some kind of mouse or chipmunk , was chewing his finger . A bit of blood dripped onto the sand and was quickly absorbed by it . I could see the pink of his flesh poking through a layer of red before it was covered by the things head as it began to chew off more . He didn 't move . I looked back into his eyes one more time , staring , keeping my eyes open through the tears . I don 't know if they were from keeping my eyes open so long in the dry and dusty air or if it was because I felt sorry for him . His eyebrows moved slightly together and he squinted tight . I knew what he was saying . I knew he wanted to crawl over to me , grab me , tell me everything , every regret , every person he 'd ever loved , every lesson he 'd learned , but he couldn 't . Slowly his eyes drifted . He died , and I saw it happen . I stood up slowly , knees stiff . The creature looked up at me for a moment with its black , emotionless eyes , blood covering the fur around its mouth , then went back to its meal . I 'm sure more would be coming later , among other animals I was more familiar with , but I wouldn 't be here to see them . It crossed my mind to capture this creature and bring it back to the shelter with me to find out if the others knew what it was , but I knew I shouldn 't even bother with it and to just get home as quickly as possible . I took one last look at the now dead man and headed home . Metal hulks whizzed by as I ran around and sometimes through them . Strange symbols covered most of them , but I doubt anybody still alive knew what they meant . These things were all that was left from the Great War that drove my ancestors underground . The elders would tell us kids stories about the war but as I got older I began to doubt them more and more . I still listened just as intently , but only because the stories themselves were so fascinating : Kadrekya , the Tower , who could smite armies with his huge hammer ; Shatra , the Beautiful , a magician who used his powers to slay many evil men and their pet abominations ; Boteg , the Defiler , a disgusting wizard who cursed an entire kingdom so that all of the plants there would die and none of its animals could give birth . Just stories . It takes a bit to get home , even taking the fastest way that I can . I can 't go straight , this is drilled into us before we learn any other phrases , long before we are allowed to go outside . They know we will go outside before we are old enough , but the one rule we never broke was to never go straight home . The people from Outside would do anything to have what we have , like the man I was running from . That 's why I had to kill him . I 'm sitting on a dusty wooden bench , staring down at my foot . The left one . Two weeks ago , me and the rest of our town 's militia fended off an attack from a neighboring tribe . One of them swung at me with an axe , a downward stroke he put all of his energy behind . I was able to avoid getting killed , but the bastard chopped off the ends of the first three toes on my left foot . My wife , Sani , applied the usual herbs in a poultice , but it refuses to heal . That 's why I 'm here , waiting to see the shaman in the next town over . He 's known in lands farther off than I 've been to . A miracle worker , many call him . I don 't need a miracle ; I just need the stubs of my toes to stop oozing blood and pus . I 'm still staring at it . The ends of each of the wounded toes are wrapped up tightly ; Sani did that right before I left . The skin around those toes , and the undamaged ones , as well , are red and swollen . Bending my toes and walking are painful affairs . I press down on the top of my foot . The skin turns white around my finger , and stays white after I release , but only for a moment . Then it goes back to red . Under the bandages the flesh is pink and wet , with bloated pockets of white and green near the surface . The bones , which had been even with the flesh , are starting to stick out as the flesh slowly recedes back . The smell is terrible . I look up and see the man who brought me here , a farmer , talking to somebody . I can 't hear what they 're saying , but I can tell they 've known each other for a long time . They start to laugh . There were a few other people he 'd brought along with me , but I can 't see them anywhere . I don 't know what business brought the farmer here , it 's neither planting season , nor harvest , but he did not charge me or any of the other travelers any silver , so he must 've been coming here anyways . We live in a small enough town I would 've heard if one of his animals died or if one of his pieces of equipment broke . Maybe I 'm witnessing the reason for his trip right now : a social call . Maybe I 'll ask him on our way back . I wonder what it would be like to be blind . Closing my eyes I hear people chattering , the birds chirping at each other , the soft flap of cloth in the wind . I try and orient myself , but I feel the onset of dizziness despite being seated the whole time , and quickly open my eyes . What a punishment that would be ! To be given sight by the Great Maker only to have it taken away from you . I think death would be preferable . I should bring this up to the town elders as an alternative to execution . The others turn their heads in the direction of the tent , and I follow their gaze . A woman comes out , all tears and smiles . I 'm glad for her , but I 'm more curious about what 's in that tent . I try to look past her , into the tent , but it 's too dark , and the flap closes behind the woman too quickly for me to see anything . The man sitting closest to the tent gets up slowly and hobbles in . He barely opens the flap , preventing me again from seeing anything inside . The others start to get up to fill in the space left by the man who went in . I steel myself against the pain I know will come from putting pressure on my foot . Once there 's room , I quickly get up , grimace , shuffle over , and sit down . Unfortunately , I didn 't look at where I was sitting , and I catch only part of the end of the bench I was sitting on . It tilts slightly , as there was nobody seated to counterbalance me , and then I fall to the ground painfully . The man to my right , with one arm in a sling , gives me his good hand , and helps me up . Carefully , I sit back down , more squarely on the supports this time . " Well , you 're a regular hero , ain 't you ? " he says with a smile on his face . I can 't tell if he 's being genuine or sarcastic . Just in case he is being sarcastic , I draw back a bit . He was being genuine , and wouldn 't be deterred . " Still , your wife musta been proud of you . " His smile widens . " I 'll bet you got some action that night ! " I smile . " I sure did . " I didn 't . I didn 't chop off the head off the man who cut off my toes . I didn 't even have anything to could 've chopped off his head , or any other part for that matter . All I had was a stone club with a simple wooden handle . As that man stood there with his axe head embedded in the ground , toes on one side , the rest of me on the other , I hit him on the back of his head as quickly as I could . There was nothing there to protect his skull besides his long hair , which didn 't do much to cushion the blow . He let go of his weapon and fell face first into the ground . Terror and anger and pain and joy went into every swing after that . There wasn 't too much left of his head left after I was done , just a bunch of bloody hair sitting on one end of a dead body . That night was spent in a painful fever , vomiting every so often , thinking about what I had done and the sight of his brains sticking to my club , dark from the blood . I 'd never killed anybody before then . I didn 't think I would have that kind of a reaction before it happened , and I still don 't know what it was that made me so upset . Thinking about it afterwards , even now , doesn 't make my stomach turn . What does is the thought of me red and sweating as I recline on my sofa , retching into a basin my wife is holding . " I don 't know . " He becomes very serious . " I 've heard a lot of things . Never seen any of his fixes personally . Still , he can 't have stayed this popular if he was a sham . My guess is he at least knows some things other people don 't , and that 's good enough for me . " The man on the other side of me turns and speaks to Ged . " He 's a blessed man ! Blessed by the Great Maker to help His creations . No less ! To say otherwise would be a slight against the Maker ! " " Whoa ! Settle down . I didn 't mean any offense . I just don 't hold with a lot of hocus pocus . It doesn 't sit right with me . " We don 't say any more for a while . I can 't seem to find the farmer who brought me here anymore . What was his name ? For some reason , I can 't seem to remember . Hopefully I can find him again once I finish up here . " Wup , he 's coming out , " Ged says , looking past me . I look over to see the man who had almost waddled in walk out as if nothing was wrong , huge grin on his face . Everyone moves over one space again after a woman leads a scrawny boy into the tent . " Watch yourself , " Ged jokes . I sit back down and the throbbing pain slowly fades away . I try and count how many times I 'll have to repeat this process , but it 's hard for me to tell who 's with somebody else , and who 's by themselves . I think I see one of the people from my town who came over with me , but realize it 's not them once I get a good look at them . I look up at the sky . Cloudy . The sun 's already past its zenith . Wonder how long it 'll be before I can see the shaman . Will the others wait for me ? Do they know where to find me ? I told a couple of them I was coming here , but I don 't think I told the farmer . Maybe I did . Maybe he saw me sitting here in line when he was talking to his friend . He wasn 't facing in my direction , so maybe he didn 't see me . I start to panic . Will I have to spend the night here in this town ? I don 't know if I have enough to cover a room , food , and to hire someone to take me back . If my foot 's healed , I should be able to walk back . What if it 's not healed ? What if there 's nothing he can do ? I really need to relieve myself . I don 't want to walk around trying to find somewhere to do that with a busted foot . I can ask Ged if he knows where I can go . He could hold my place for me , as well . Yeah , I think I 'll do that . She keeps telling me she has a boyfriend , as if by that saying that it nullifies everything she has been doing to my friends and me all night . If I was a good person I would 've scolded her , told her she shouldn 't be doing this , and take her home so she can get some rest . If I was a good person , I would 've done that , but I 'm not , and as I spent myself inside her eager mouth her boyfriend was the last thing on my mind . I feel her swallow and I slowly sit back , watching Evan finish fucking her , slightly jealous . I play with her nipples , stiff on her bouncing tits , but she doesn 't seem to notice . This makes me suddenly angry . I pinch , to the threshold of pain , heightened by the twenty - five - year - old distraction pumping in and out of her . My hand moves up to her throat and wraps tightly around it . For a moment her eyes turn to me , her face in a kind of grimace . I smile , wanting to tell her , " I don 't want you to cum . I don 't want you to derive any pleasure from this . " I release her neck , caress her sweaty cheek and forehead , and allow my hand one more pass over her body before I get up and start to put my clothes on . I do it quickly ; I don 't want to see my friend cum , either . Outside , Joey 's already smoking , staring out into the night . I go out and join him , asking what he was looking at as I carefully pry the cigarette from his hand . He says he isn 't looking at anything , that he 's just got a lot on his mind . He always gets like this after one of our group jobs . Come to think of it … " I 'm just wondering if you ever have sex where it 's just you and one other … person , " I say , using my words carefully . I have a feeling he 's homosexual ; I always see him checking out Evan or myself . I wouldn 't mind trying it out some time , but not Joey , or Evan , for that matter . Maybe somebody who looked just like Joey , without those ears . They stick out too much . " Of course , why ? " He gives me a fake smirk , obviously irritated , and reaches again for his cigarette , which I again put in my mouth . I can 't tell if his humor is deadened by his lack of nicotine or his shame . He gives up trying to get his cigarette back and lights up a new one . " What makes you think I can 't ? I can get girls to do us easily enough when we go out . " Driving , I think about that girl . Did she say she had a boyfriend as a pitiful defense against us ? Her nature ? Whatever , it doesn 't matter . Home again . This place makes me feel like what just happened was a dream . I 'm actually happy . Half a bottle of whiskey later , I begin to feel normal again . I wake up with a start the next morning to the sound of the phone ringing by my head . It takes me a moment to realize I 'd slept on the couch again . Reaching above my head to grab the house phone I see that I had neglected to take my watch off and that it had rotated during the night . The face is now on my wrist , slightly off - center . It 's a little after eleven o ' clock . Shit . " Hello , " I answer , knowing my angry girlfriend , Josie , is on the other end , angry because I was supposed to meet her for lunch at eleven . As soon as her familiar pitch kicks in , I let my mind go blank . I try to remember if there was any weed left . Once I remember I don 't , I feel like telling her about last night , but she doesn 't give me a chance to speak . She tells me she 's sick of me , and never wants to see me again . Before I can hang up the phone , she does the same , and I hear the dial tone for a moment before the phone hits the receiver . It doesn 't quite stay hooked , and clatters to the glass end table it 's sitting on . The sound pushes me over the edge , but by the time I sit up to throw the whole thing against the wall my anger is gone , and all that 's left is a desire to eat some shitty Chinese food . I 'm sitting in my car looking over the weed a guy I know at Lou 's Chinese packed in my carry - out bag along with a container of General Tso 's chicken . I immediately see that it wasn 't worth what I paid for it , but there 's enough to last me the next few days until my regular guy can get back to me . He said he was out this week , which may be a lie , but I don 't know him well enough to try and push the issue . Maybe if I did , though , he wouldn 't have held out on me in the first place , but every time I meet with him his body odor cuts through the smell of even the best grass . Plus , he listens to really shitty music . The full repercussions of Josie breaking up with me hit as I sit at home alone with an empty container of Chinese food and my second bowl of weed sitting in front of me . I don 't know if I can be truly happy outside the context of a relationship . Half of the fun I got out of my nights with Joey and Evan came from my having a girlfriend to run around on . Could they be fun in and of themselves ? Maybe . Probably . I don 't know . That 's what scares me . Can I continue , if it 's strictly hollow pleasure - seeking ? Do I need to change my habits , try and make a " better " life for myself ? These are questions I know the answers to , but don 't want to face right now . I load up another bowl to smoke by myself . I don 't know what else to do right now . I don 't know how to change . I keep falling back on my old routines , what I 'm used to , what I 'm familiar with , but she was a part of that routine . Without her , I feel lost , empty . The desire to go back out to the bars is increasing , almost manic , and it 's only two in the afternoon . Only regulars and drunks are out at this time of day , and I know I don 't want that . What do I want ? What do I really want ? Honestly - - want to be close to somebody right now . Not emotionally close , or any of that shit , just physically close . I want to feel their warmth . I want to be able to reach out and feel their skin and not have them shy away in revulsion . I want to hear them breath , put my head on their chest and listen to their heart beat . I should give Joey a call . " Hey . I , uh , was just wondering what you were up to … this afternoon . Tonight . Get back to me once you get a chance . This is Chris . Um , bye . " That was disappointing . I text him on my cell just so he doesn 't feel like he has to call me on my house phone , but after an hour of smoking and drinking and waiting to hear back I give up and take a drive down to the mall . I feel lost . Why did I come here ? I wander back to the movie theater , but the only good movie that 's playing is one that I 've already seen . Before I realize what I 'm doing I 've already bought a ticket , and I 'm walking towards the concession stand to buy a soda because my mouth is dry from smoking too much . I find a place to sit where I can be by myself , which isn 't hard considering this movie 's been out for a few weeks now . I end up watching my phone more than I 'm watching the movie . I light up a cigarette , not caring . Before I 'm halfway done with it , I see somebody get up and head for the exit . The paranoia from all the shitty weed I 've smoked kicks in , and I feel like they 're going to the management to complain , rather than going to the bathroom or the concessions , which they might very well be doing , but I quickly stub my cig out on the floor and head out . I duck into another theater where a different movie is playing . I stay . It ended up not being as bad as I had expected , for as much as I saw of it . I leave the theater and start to drive out of the mall parking lot . After some time I get on the road , and my phone starts buzzing . I get it out of my pants pocket only to drop it on the floorboard in front of the passenger 's seat . Reaching down to pick it up , my car stops . My head hits hard against the dials of my car 's radio . My sight goes blank for a second . I look through my windshield to see a blue SUV sitting far too close to me , and a red light suspended right above it . I put my car into park and get out , not really thinking about what I 'm doing . The adrenaline pumping through me makes my arms and legs feel partially numb , and I have to force myself to keep steady . Maybe that weed was better than I thought . I really can 't think straight right now . A woman in her 40 's comes out of the SUV . All I can really tell about her is that she keeps herself in shape , but is far too tan for my taste . She 's speaking , yelling , actually , but none of it 's getting through . I tell my hand to reach back and get my wallet . The best it can do is land on my hip and slowly crawl to my back pocket . I finally have me wallet open in front of me after what seems like an eternity . Staring down at it , I can 't seem to find my insurance card . Turning my head back up to the angry woman , thinking I 'll just hand over my entire wallet and let her find it , I see that she 's now pointing at a spot which I think is behind me and to my left . I turn to look at what she 's pointing at but there 's nobody , nothing . She keeps pointing , this time adding a motion , her hand sliding down her face . I still can 't hear what she 's saying . I look again , still nothing . Maybe she wasn 't pointing past me , but at me , at the side of my face . I force my hand to mimic the motion she made . It feels wet . I bring my hand back in front of me and see more blood than I 'm used to seeing . My shoulder suddenly feels very wet and I panic for a moment before my head goes light . I 'm dizzy . My legs tingle , then go numb entirely . I can 't tell if it 's the loss of blood , the knock I took to my head , or all the weed I smoked , but I 'm falling . I hear the light slap of my wallet hitting the asphalt right before I fall to my knees . Feeling returns to my legs , and that feeling is pain . Somehow that triggered my brain into remembering what pain was , because now the entire side of my face explodes . All I can do is lie down as my eyes well up . I want to just die . I want to … My mother is telling me that her and my father are moving to Arizona . She 's telling me they 're taking my younger sister and leaving me the house . I 'm watching something on TV . I 'm angry with her , I can 't remember why , and I turn up the volume . I don 't even look at her once while she 's speaking , but I can tell from the sound of her voice that she 's upset . Her disappointment pierces right through the sales pitch of somebody I don 't know trying to sell me and the rest of America something we don 't need . I ignore her until she leaves . I 'm waking up to a grid of tiles and lights and a throbbing pain in my head . I start to look around , and I see both Josie and Joey sitting next to the bed I 'm lying in . It takes me a moment to realize I 'm in a hospital and not a hotel room ; the curtain rail tracing its way around my bed and rails on the bed itself gives it away . They don 't seem too thrilled to see me wake up , but they 're familiar faces , so that doesn 't bother me too much . What does bother me is that his hand is on her shoulder , with the other one on his lap . I see that both of her arms are angled toward him , and I can only assume she is holding his hand , but the bed 's blocking me from seeing it and knowing for sure . I put my head back on the pillow and close my eyes , clenching my teeth , rage blending with pain . I don 't want them together . I don 't want that at all . " They said you weren 't hurt too badly . I don 't know if they 'll let you leave tonight , still . " She gets up . " I 'll go tell somebody you 've woken up . Come on , Joey . " He follows her out without saying another word , like an obedient dog . Why did they have to call her ? A nurse comes in and does a basic checkup . The light she points in my eyes hurts like hell from my headache . I 'm not really paying attention to what she 's saying . All I can think about is Josie and Joey fucking . Josie and Joey . The similarity in their names makes me laugh . The nurse gives me a strange look , a nervous smile , then leaves . I want them to stay together . I want them to get married . I want them to get monogrammed towels . The doctor comes in with my x - rays and I can 't stop laughing about monogrammed towels .
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" Well , how 've you been ? " he said before taking a sip of his wine . " Fine , fine , " she said , looking nervous . She thoughtlessly wringed her hands as she looked around the restaurant . He noticed . " You seem agitated . " She turned back to him and brought her hands below the table , out of sight . She said nothing . " Is this awkward for you ? " he asked her . " A bit , yeah . Isn 't it for you ? " He smiled , grateful for the hydroquinone he took before coming . " Not at all ; I was looking forward to seeing you again . " They sat there , she looking around the room , her hands , anywhere but him , while he tried to think of what to say next . He wanted to talk about their son , Chris . If he said " her " son , he might come across as too distant . " His " son might seem too overbearing and possessive . He certainly couldn 't use " Chris , " since that was the name of the lover she took while he was on assignment . " What about our son ? How 's he doing ? " " Chris is great . He 's starting to say complete sentences . They aren 't always grammatically correct , but you can tell what he 's trying to say , " she said with a smile . She started to feel more relaxed , and talked more freely . " He 's doing a lot better than Pam 's kid . Serves him right after what he did to Chris . " She must think I already know what happened , that she already told me , he thought . Maybe she told Chris , her lover , about it , and is confusing the two of us . I wonder if he has a kid at the same pre - school , and that 's how the two of them met . I can 't really ask her about that , at least not yet . I want to try and get her back , not push her away . " I 'm sorry , what did Pam 's son do to Chris ? " " Well , it wasn 't just one thing , he just acted like a bully . You know , taking his toys away , pushing him down , that sort of thing , " she said after drinking some of her wine . Narrowing her eyes , she added , " Don 't you remember ? " In fact , his memory finally did kick in as she was describing it . He felt very embarrassed and reached for his glass . Posted by Painful throbbing in my jaws makes me think of nothing but itself . I feel like my head is exploding , no , not my head , not the whole head , just my nasal cavity . I feel like I 've been punched repeatedly by somebody I 've somehow wronged , although really I try and stay out of other people 's ways and agree with them at all times , even if I 'm lying . As an aside , this has made me , again , a completely nice and wholly agreeable person , an extremely talented liar . I feel like the only thing that can get rid of this pain is a cigarette , maybe a bunch of pills , that or grinding my teeth until they crack and shatter . I 've already had one , two … five cigarettes , and I 'll need my teeth to chew on the overcooked chicken breast my girlfriend is currently preparing in the kitchen so I look for some aspirin , find it , take it , and proceed to look for something else to chew on while the medicine takes effect . Wandering aimlessly in pain , doing all of my searching subconsciously , I find some toothpicks . Toothpicks we bought last year for the appetizers we brought to her family reunion . My mind returns and I find myself in the kitchen , staring blankly in the direction of , though not actually at , pieces of raw chicken meat , covered in … something , although shiny bits of pink still peek through . I curse my subconscious for bringing me here , to the attention of my girlfriend , who looks at me and asks if I 'm going to help . Her tone is one of annoyance , as it has been for several days now . I tell her I have a headache , which isn 't entirely a lie , and that I 'm going to lie down for a bit , lay down for a bit , lie down for a bit . She tells me that she hopes it 'll make me feel better in time for supper , even though I can tell by her tone that she doesn 't care if I feel better or not . As I leave the kitchen , relieved to be leaving her sight , I think about how I should find a new girlfriend , but the lease for the apartment we live at is in both of our names , and there 's still the better part of a year left on it , so I dismiss the idea . Besides , I 'm not the kind of person to do the breaking up . I leave it to the other person to do it for me . It 's never surprised me , and I have yet to empathize with whoever said that breaking up is hard to do . Before I go to the bedroom I head back to the bathroom to put away the aspirin . The mirror covering the medicine cabinet is open slightly , angling the reflection . I say to myself , " Wow , this really changes me perspective on things , " which amuses me , but I don 't even smile because I 'm looking at myself and how fat and ugly I am . The smell of the cooking chicken wakes me up , and I hope it 's done , because I 'm very , very hungry . I reach over for my glasses and put them on . The light blinds me for a moment after I open up the bedroom door . Before I go to check on the food I quickly put my pants back on , not wanting my girlfriend to see me in just my underwear , still self - conscious despite our being together for over a year now . Heading into the kitchen I see her sitting on a stool by the window , smoking a cigarette and reading a book . I can 't tell which one . She acknowledges me without looking up , flicking ash into an ashtray sitting on the windowsill . I walk over to the oven and open it up to check on the chicken . Overdone . I close the oven without taking the chicken out and I 'm immediately grabbed around the waist by my girlfriend , who had put out her cigarette and put down her book . She kisses me and looks at me , smiling . " I love you , " she says . " Do you know how they used to execute people in old Sri Lanka ? " he asked as he wrapped his good arm tightly around her bare shoulders . His seed still clung sticky , warm , and white to her hand . Glistening trails in the hair and skin of his sex formed in the wake of her slow caresses . It twitched from the sensations , but she could see that it was collapsing , growing smaller and smaller , indicating that relations were at an end , as if the question he just asked wasn 't indication enough . " No , master , " she said , politely enough . She was scared of him , but he had been kind enough to her that she had been able to maintain her composure around him . It wasn 't just his size , for he stood at least a head taller than any of the other men in the mansion she and the other girls lived , but his arm . She couldn 't tell what had happened to form the mass of scar tissue and bone that formed his left arm , but it couldn 't have been very pleasant . A harsh looking metal armature ran the length of it , secured to his shoulder with straps and ending in a three - fingered metal claw of a hand , reflecting the three fingers remaining on his natural hand . Secretly she wondered at the workings of the device , but even though she hadn 't left the grounds in years , not since men in three - piece suits and cheap masks had abducted her off the streets a few weeks before her 14th birthday , she still heard about some of the things he had done with that metal arm of his , and this made her afraid to ask about it . Afraid she might hurt him by reminding him of his disfigured arm , afraid he might hurt her by using that same arm . She was especially cautious recently as she was a month late and she could potentially be responsible for two lives now . " They 'd bring the doomed man out to where he 'd meet his fate , " he said , " and laid him down on the ground , guards standing all around him in a large circle . Suddenly , a few of the guards would step aside , opening the circle to allow the executioner and his weapon of choice through . The poor baPosted by I alone wake to the sound of my alarm clock 's grating chimes . I suffer them everyday , not because there 's somewhere I need to be , but because I want to see her . After turning the alarm off I sit up and look around the floor for a shirt from my unkempt , twin - size bed . My fathers ' death and my subsequent inheritance could afford me either a decent place to live , or a temporary respite from work . I chose the latter . At first I enjoyed the free time , but it wasn 't long before I felt empty . I didn 't know what to do with myself . I tried to pick up a hobby but none of them really stuck . Drinking was one of them . That 's how I first saw her . After I quit my job I grew my hair out , but I couldn 't stop shaving . Tried to grow a beard but after a few days the bristly hairs would start to annoy me . They were all I thought about up until I could shave them off . For hours afterwards I would rub my hands across my face , my chin , my neck , gaining pleasure from its un - natural smoothness in comparison to the hairs that had so recently been growing there . They grew there still , but for now I was content to completely forget that fact . I placed the cap back onto the disposable razor and threw it into the waste basket next to the toilet . Look at myself in the mirror , still coated with a thin film of condensation from my recent shower . Stare at my short , brown hair while still rubbing my face with my right hand . Wondered if I would ever become bald . I still had a full head of hair , and neither of my parents were bald , but a grandfather and an uncle , both on my fathers ' side , were bald . Is baldness a recessive gene ? Is that even how it works ? I had been out of school to long to be able to answer either of these questions . With long hair and a clean shave I looked much younger than I actually was . While I would regularly get carded with this look , I had no problem blending into college house parties . I had no friends who went to these parties , much less friends who were even in college . I have no charm or speak with any sort of charisma . What I did have was a case of beer , bought earlier from a convenience store , a legitimate retailer , by me , a legitimate customer with a legitimate form of ID . None of the party - goers knew this , or even cared . It was more beer . They didn 't even notice it was being carried in by someone they didn 't even know . The point was that it was more beer . Of course , I always brought the cheapest case in the store , offering it up to who I thought were the hosts of the party in exchange for my entrance . Once they were distracted , I would drink whatever else they had , which would either be as good or , in most cases , better than what it was that I brought . I did this numerous times at the same house for a few weekends in a row . Mostly it was to see if they would eventually recognize me . They 'd greet me with a smile , alright , but it was always only for the beer . I tried starting conversations with people I 'd seen there before but there was always this look in their eyes like they didn 't know who I was . I kept my long hair in front of my eyes , head tilted downwards , hiding my tears as I drank more and more of their beer . I was stumbling home one morning after a night like this that I first saw her leaving my building . A fight broke out in the next room , something about drinking all their beer . I drunkenly panicked . I looked around the room for a place to hide my plastic cup of stolen beer . I 'm sitting in a recliner , and I 'm comfortable , so I can 't get up . I try and place the beer down next to me but the cup hit the lever and beer splashed onto my hand . I panic some more before I saw a can of the same beer I had brought . Before I 'd left and seen the plate I picked up the can of beer . It was just barely within my reach from the recliner . My fingertips brush its rim and I watch the beer fall over . Its contents spilled out onto the stained carpet , but there wasn 't much left and the flow soon slowed to a stop . The can , now easily within reach , I picked up and filled with what remained in my cup . The cup itself was dropped behind the recliner . In hindsight I 'm sure everyone would 've seen it had their attention not been completely diverted by the increasingly heated argument , or if they weren 't drunk . Apparently I 'd spilled quite a bit when I was transferring the beer , as my leg began to feel quite wet . I felt quite safe wit my alibi as I heard the two men get closer . Watched them for a few minutes , and then felt very bored . I left , not caring if I 'd gotten my money 's worth of their beer . A car was parked at an angle too sharp to have been made by somebody sober . Its license plate was " KERETA . " I walked a few blocks to the nearest gas station with an ATM . There was still plenty of time before the bars closed and I wanted some cash to spend at them . All I had in my wallet was a few ones , an old condom , and my debit card . What happened to my ID ? Must 've left it at the gas station where I bought the case of beer . Turn around and head back , retrace my steps . Walked by many houses playing loud music . Wasn 't really listening , too drunk to think about anything other than my missing license I hope they have it they 'd better fucking have it if it 's not there I swear to fucking Jesus fucking Christ - somebody hits me . Somebody 's fist hits me . I didn 't see it or the person it belonged to coming through my long hair . On the ground , crawling away towards the road . There was a curve of flattened grass and XX XXXXX XXXX XXXX X XXXX XXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XX XXXXXX XXXXXXX . A sharp pain runs through my side . I get up and run in agony . What did I do ? I run some more . I sat in a chair by my door , looking at a cheap wall clock . It was a battery operated analog clock , black and white . I like analog clocks over digital . Something about seeing the hands move . I should pick up a wind - up alarm clock . I can afford it for now . I look online at some random jobs that are available around here . I don 't anything interesting , other than a gun . I don 't need a gun . 5 : 42 . I get up and look through the peephole . The sound of my own breathing becomes extremely obnoxious . I can 't hold my breath . Slowly stroke my crotch . My breathing becomes harsher as my hand moves faster . There she was . She walked past my door , quickly and quietly . I make my way to the bathroom and continue stroking with my eyes closed and my underwear around my ankles . I think about her . We 're in somebody else 's bedroom . The smell of pot still lingers in the air from the others who were here . A new smell arose as we smoked from a hookah that had been set up earlier in the corner of the room . I had thought it 'd be funny if the hookah pipe was passed around the circle in the opposite direction of the joint , but I didn 't bring it up , I just giggled and smoked and laughed and smoked and grew quiet . I put my hand on her leg , slowly caressing it with my middle finger . Now we were alone . It isn 't long before we 're on the bed . I 'm kissing her hard and fingering her just as viciously . Without any prompting she undoes my fly and begins sucking me off while I fall back and get in a position to still finger her , ending up almost in a 69 position but not quite . I 'm glad ; I have mild claustrophobia . I finish cleaning myself up and pull up my underwear as I get off the toilet seat . I wash my hands and walk from the bathroom to the kitchen . My stomach wants me to eat something . Tired . I wake up and go back to the kitchen to pour myself some cereal . I need more milk . There 's nothing on TV , but I watch it anyway . It 's a Tuesday . My slow day . I step outside with the TV still on and the door unlocked . The city seems empty as I drive around . The fridge was always empty . I buy things to fill itshutupjustshutthefuckup Sitting on the toilet with all of my clothes in a pile next to me I reach over and grab a small knife I 'd placed on the edge of the sink after washing it . Its edge drags over my skin . Faster and faster . Red lines on my thighs . I smoke another joint , then shower . I should grow my hair out again . No . Fuck that . I told her I quit my job so I could take some time off for my grief . Really I just didn 't want to work . For some reason she wanted me to grow my hair out . I hadn 't had long hair since high school . I didn 't care either way . For the first few weeks she would come over quite often , knowing I 'd be home , that I had nowhere else to go . We didn 't fuck , hadn 't fucked in a while . She was just boringbored . I had shit that wanted to do but she didn 't care . I broke up with her before the first month after I quit ended . I still grew my hair out . The first time I was with my new " friend " was at a party . I 'd seen her a few weeks earlier . I followed her the next few weeks . I knew her . I knew some of her friends by name . Followed her to a party . This party . She kept disappearing . I 'd find her again looking drunker and more dis - sheveled each time . I give her a shot and slowly put my hands on her as we talk . I kiss her . Her tongue is numb and rough and tastes of alcohol ; her breath reminds me of a fruity mixed drink and semen . I didn 't care about any of that . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd been kissed with this much passion . We find a room and fuck on the carpet . I 'm on top at first , but she 's on top by the end . She keeps riding me even after I cum . I can 't stand it and want more . I visit my dad where he 's staying at now that my mother divorced him . He 's doped up on the pills the nurses , I don 't know if they 're really nurses , gave him . I can 't tell if he knows I 'm here or who I am . He opens his mouth and a line of spittle falls to his shoulder . I 'm too disgusted to clean it up . He might have looked as if he was already dead if I 'd only taken a glance at him , but I knew he was only dying . I stared at him and his eyes stared right back . That was how I could tell he was still alive . I had never seen a dead person before - though I was sure that would change soon enough - but I felt that if he really was dead he wouldn 't be seeing me , seeing through me , that way . A dry wind blew around us . My eyes flickered while his remained steady . I tried to comfort myself , control my unease , by noting that the wind came from a direction almost directly behind where his body was lying , and there was a large piece of anonymous machinery , rusting to nothing , which blocked some of the wind as well . However , a part of me knew that he wouldn 't have blinked even if the warm wind had blown directly into his face . I thought I heard a noise come from his mouth ; not quite speech , only a breath . A harsh , disgusting breath . Whether the air had been going in or out him I couldn 't tell for sure ; other than the sound I heard there was no telling that anything had occurred between five seconds ago and now . No rise or fall in his chest or stomach . No movement whatsoever . Had he ever blinked ? I didn 't think he did . Otherwise I wouldn 't still be staring at him . I 'd be anywhere but here . Had I even heard that sound , whatever it was , or had my brain been playing a trick on me ? I can 't believe that , though , or even allow that as a possibility . Otherwise , what else was I imagining ? Was I really crouching down in the middle of the wasteland over the shelter staring at this dying stranger ? Of course His eyes moved slightly , breaking his stare . I breathed a sigh of relief and put my head down , relaxing my stiff neck muscles . How long had I been staring at him , as motionless as he ? Looking back at him I saw that his head had turned away from me . His mouth was now as wide open as his eyes , which stared up at the dull , yellow clouds of sand and sky which constantly hung over the dull , yellow rocks and rusting hulks that covered the only bit of Outside I 'd known all my life . I had time to get up , but I shouldn 't have looked back at him at all after he had quit staring at me . I should have run , but I didn 't . I can 't remember now if I really could , can 't remember that his stare had even been broken , all I can think of is his eyes and what they were trying to tell me . I was scared , too scared to have gotten up and gotten away . Yeah , that 's it , scared . His eyelids twitched , a hint of a squint . I felt a bit of relief and finally realized that he was scared as well . That 's what they were trying to tell me , what he was trying to tell me . He was a human being and he was dying . I might have been sharing in that fear before , but fear is fear , and I don 't know if there really was a difference between what I felt before and what he was feeling now . His eyes seemed like the last bit of him that was still holding on to life . The rest of his body still hadn 't moved . The only bit of movement was simply a flap of cloth moving in the breeze . A small creature , one I couldn 't recognize in my peripheral vision , began pawing at his fingertips . Either he didn 't notice or didn 't care because his eyes remained as still as ever . He felt to me like he was giving me his permission to look , so I did . The creature , still unrecognizable in full view , something that looked like it could be either some kind of mouse or chipmunk , was chewing his finger . A bit of blood dripped onto the sand and was quickly absorbed by it . I could see the pink of his flesh poking through a layer of red before it was covered by the things head as it began to chew off more . He didn 't move . I looked back into his eyes one more time , staring , keeping my eyes open through the tears . I don 't know if they were from keeping my eyes open so long in the dry and dusty air or if it was because I felt sorry for him . His eyebrows moved slightly together and he squinted tight . I knew what he was saying . I knew he wanted to crawl over to me , grab me , tell me everything , every regret , every person he 'd ever loved , every lesson he 'd learned , but he couldn 't . Slowly his eyes drifted . He died , and I saw it happen . I stood up slowly , knees stiff . The creature looked up at me for a moment with its black , emotionless eyes , blood covering the fur around its mouth , then went back to its meal . I 'm sure more would be coming later , among other animals I was more familiar with , but I wouldn 't be here to see them . It crossed my mind to capture this creature and bring it back to the shelter with me to find out if the others knew what it was , but I knew I shouldn 't even bother with it and to just get home as quickly as possible . I took one last look at the now dead man and headed home . Metal hulks whizzed by as I ran around and sometimes through them . Strange symbols covered most of them , but I doubt anybody still alive knew what they meant . These things were all that was left from the Great War that drove my ancestors underground . The elders would tell us kids stories about the war but as I got older I began to doubt them more and more . I still listened just as intently , but only because the stories themselves were so fascinating : Kadrekya , the Tower , who could smite armies with his huge hammer ; Shatra , the Beautiful , a magician who used his powers to slay many evil men and their pet abominations ; Boteg , the Defiler , a disgusting wizard who cursed an entire kingdom so that all of the plants there would die and none of its animals could give birth . Just stories . It takes a bit to get home , even taking the fastest way that I can . I can 't go straight , this is drilled into us before we learn any other phrases , long before we are allowed to go outside . They know we will go outside before we are old enough , but the one rule we never broke was to never go straight home . The people from Outside would do anything to have what we have , like the man I was running from . That 's why I had to kill him . I 'm sitting on a dusty wooden bench , staring down at my foot . The left one . Two weeks ago , me and the rest of our town 's militia fended off an attack from a neighboring tribe . One of them swung at me with an axe , a downward stroke he put all of his energy behind . I was able to avoid getting killed , but the bastard chopped off the ends of the first three toes on my left foot . My wife , Sani , applied the usual herbs in a poultice , but it refuses to heal . That 's why I 'm here , waiting to see the shaman in the next town over . He 's known in lands farther off than I 've been to . A miracle worker , many call him . I don 't need a miracle ; I just need the stubs of my toes to stop oozing blood and pus . I 'm still staring at it . The ends of each of the wounded toes are wrapped up tightly ; Sani did that right before I left . The skin around those toes , and the undamaged ones , as well , are red and swollen . Bending my toes and walking are painful affairs . I press down on the top of my foot . The skin turns white around my finger , and stays white after I release , but only for a moment . Then it goes back to red . Under the bandages the flesh is pink and wet , with bloated pockets of white and green near the surface . The bones , which had been even with the flesh , are starting to stick out as the flesh slowly recedes back . The smell is terrible . I look up and see the man who brought me here , a farmer , talking to somebody . I can 't hear what they 're saying , but I can tell they 've known each other for a long time . They start to laugh . There were a few other people he 'd brought along with me , but I can 't see them anywhere . I don 't know what business brought the farmer here , it 's neither planting season , nor harvest , but he did not charge me or any of the other travelers any silver , so he must 've been coming here anyways . We live in a small enough town I would 've heard if one of his animals died or if one of his pieces of equipment broke . Maybe I 'm witnessing the reason for his trip right now : a social call . Maybe I 'll ask him on our way back . I wonder what it would be like to be blind . Closing my eyes I hear people chattering , the birds chirping at each other , the soft flap of cloth in the wind . I try and orient myself , but I feel the onset of dizziness despite being seated the whole time , and quickly open my eyes . What a punishment that would be ! To be given sight by the Great Maker only to have it taken away from you . I think death would be preferable . I should bring this up to the town elders as an alternative to execution . The others turn their heads in the direction of the tent , and I follow their gaze . A woman comes out , all tears and smiles . I 'm glad for her , but I 'm more curious about what 's in that tent . I try to look past her , into the tent , but it 's too dark , and the flap closes behind the woman too quickly for me to see anything . The man sitting closest to the tent gets up slowly and hobbles in . He barely opens the flap , preventing me again from seeing anything inside . The others start to get up to fill in the space left by the man who went in . I steel myself against the pain I know will come from putting pressure on my foot . Once there 's room , I quickly get up , grimace , shuffle over , and sit down . Unfortunately , I didn 't look at where I was sitting , and I catch only part of the end of the bench I was sitting on . It tilts slightly , as there was nobody seated to counterbalance me , and then I fall to the ground painfully . The man to my right , with one arm in a sling , gives me his good hand , and helps me up . Carefully , I sit back down , more squarely on the supports this time . " Well , you 're a regular hero , ain 't you ? " he says with a smile on his face . I can 't tell if he 's being genuine or sarcastic . Just in case he is being sarcastic , I draw back a bit . He was being genuine , and wouldn 't be deterred . " Still , your wife musta been proud of you . " His smile widens . " I 'll bet you got some action that night ! " I smile . " I sure did . " I didn 't . I didn 't chop off the head off the man who cut off my toes . I didn 't even have anything to could 've chopped off his head , or any other part for that matter . All I had was a stone club with a simple wooden handle . As that man stood there with his axe head embedded in the ground , toes on one side , the rest of me on the other , I hit him on the back of his head as quickly as I could . There was nothing there to protect his skull besides his long hair , which didn 't do much to cushion the blow . He let go of his weapon and fell face first into the ground . Terror and anger and pain and joy went into every swing after that . There wasn 't too much left of his head left after I was done , just a bunch of bloody hair sitting on one end of a dead body . That night was spent in a painful fever , vomiting every so often , thinking about what I had done and the sight of his brains sticking to my club , dark from the blood . I 'd never killed anybody before then . I didn 't think I would have that kind of a reaction before it happened , and I still don 't know what it was that made me so upset . Thinking about it afterwards , even now , doesn 't make my stomach turn . What does is the thought of me red and sweating as I recline on my sofa , retching into a basin my wife is holding . " I don 't know . " He becomes very serious . " I 've heard a lot of things . Never seen any of his fixes personally . Still , he can 't have stayed this popular if he was a sham . My guess is he at least knows some things other people don 't , and that 's good enough for me . " The man on the other side of me turns and speaks to Ged . " He 's a blessed man ! Blessed by the Great Maker to help His creations . No less ! To say otherwise would be a slight against the Maker ! " " Whoa ! Settle down . I didn 't mean any offense . I just don 't hold with a lot of hocus pocus . It doesn 't sit right with me . " We don 't say any more for a while . I can 't seem to find the farmer who brought me here anymore . What was his name ? For some reason , I can 't seem to remember . Hopefully I can find him again once I finish up here . " Wup , he 's coming out , " Ged says , looking past me . I look over to see the man who had almost waddled in walk out as if nothing was wrong , huge grin on his face . Everyone moves over one space again after a woman leads a scrawny boy into the tent . " Watch yourself , " Ged jokes . I sit back down and the throbbing pain slowly fades away . I try and count how many times I 'll have to repeat this process , but it 's hard for me to tell who 's with somebody else , and who 's by themselves . I think I see one of the people from my town who came over with me , but realize it 's not them once I get a good look at them . I look up at the sky . Cloudy . The sun 's already past its zenith . Wonder how long it 'll be before I can see the shaman . Will the others wait for me ? Do they know where to find me ? I told a couple of them I was coming here , but I don 't think I told the farmer . Maybe I did . Maybe he saw me sitting here in line when he was talking to his friend . He wasn 't facing in my direction , so maybe he didn 't see me . I start to panic . Will I have to spend the night here in this town ? I don 't know if I have enough to cover a room , food , and to hire someone to take me back . If my foot 's healed , I should be able to walk back . What if it 's not healed ? What if there 's nothing he can do ? I really need to relieve myself . I don 't want to walk around trying to find somewhere to do that with a busted foot . I can ask Ged if he knows where I can go . He could hold my place for me , as well . Yeah , I think I 'll do that . She keeps telling me she has a boyfriend , as if by that saying that it nullifies everything she has been doing to my friends and me all night . If I was a good person I would 've scolded her , told her she shouldn 't be doing this , and take her home so she can get some rest . If I was a good person , I would 've done that , but I 'm not , and as I spent myself inside her eager mouth her boyfriend was the last thing on my mind . I feel her swallow and I slowly sit back , watching Evan finish fucking her , slightly jealous . I play with her nipples , stiff on her bouncing tits , but she doesn 't seem to notice . This makes me suddenly angry . I pinch , to the threshold of pain , heightened by the twenty - five - year - old distraction pumping in and out of her . My hand moves up to her throat and wraps tightly around it . For a moment her eyes turn to me , her face in a kind of grimace . I smile , wanting to tell her , " I don 't want you to cum . I don 't want you to derive any pleasure from this . " I release her neck , caress her sweaty cheek and forehead , and allow my hand one more pass over her body before I get up and start to put my clothes on . I do it quickly ; I don 't want to see my friend cum , either . Outside , Joey 's already smoking , staring out into the night . I go out and join him , asking what he was looking at as I carefully pry the cigarette from his hand . He says he isn 't looking at anything , that he 's just got a lot on his mind . He always gets like this after one of our group jobs . Come to think of it … " I 'm just wondering if you ever have sex where it 's just you and one other … person , " I say , using my words carefully . I have a feeling he 's homosexual ; I always see him checking out Evan or myself . I wouldn 't mind trying it out some time , but not Joey , or Evan , for that matter . Maybe somebody who looked just like Joey , without those ears . They stick out too much . " Of course , why ? " He gives me a fake smirk , obviously irritated , and reaches again for his cigarette , which I again put in my mouth . I can 't tell if his humor is deadened by his lack of nicotine or his shame . He gives up trying to get his cigarette back and lights up a new one . " What makes you think I can 't ? I can get girls to do us easily enough when we go out . " Driving , I think about that girl . Did she say she had a boyfriend as a pitiful defense against us ? Her nature ? Whatever , it doesn 't matter . Home again . This place makes me feel like what just happened was a dream . I 'm actually happy . Half a bottle of whiskey later , I begin to feel normal again . I wake up with a start the next morning to the sound of the phone ringing by my head . It takes me a moment to realize I 'd slept on the couch again . Reaching above my head to grab the house phone I see that I had neglected to take my watch off and that it had rotated during the night . The face is now on my wrist , slightly off - center . It 's a little after eleven o ' clock . Shit . " Hello , " I answer , knowing my angry girlfriend , Josie , is on the other end , angry because I was supposed to meet her for lunch at eleven . As soon as her familiar pitch kicks in , I let my mind go blank . I try to remember if there was any weed left . Once I remember I don 't , I feel like telling her about last night , but she doesn 't give me a chance to speak . She tells me she 's sick of me , and never wants to see me again . Before I can hang up the phone , she does the same , and I hear the dial tone for a moment before the phone hits the receiver . It doesn 't quite stay hooked , and clatters to the glass end table it 's sitting on . The sound pushes me over the edge , but by the time I sit up to throw the whole thing against the wall my anger is gone , and all that 's left is a desire to eat some shitty Chinese food . I 'm sitting in my car looking over the weed a guy I know at Lou 's Chinese packed in my carry - out bag along with a container of General Tso 's chicken . I immediately see that it wasn 't worth what I paid for it , but there 's enough to last me the next few days until my regular guy can get back to me . He said he was out this week , which may be a lie , but I don 't know him well enough to try and push the issue . Maybe if I did , though , he wouldn 't have held out on me in the first place , but every time I meet with him his body odor cuts through the smell of even the best grass . Plus , he listens to really shitty music . The full repercussions of Josie breaking up with me hit as I sit at home alone with an empty container of Chinese food and my second bowl of weed sitting in front of me . I don 't know if I can be truly happy outside the context of a relationship . Half of the fun I got out of my nights with Joey and Evan came from my having a girlfriend to run around on . Could they be fun in and of themselves ? Maybe . Probably . I don 't know . That 's what scares me . Can I continue , if it 's strictly hollow pleasure - seeking ? Do I need to change my habits , try and make a " better " life for myself ? These are questions I know the answers to , but don 't want to face right now . I load up another bowl to smoke by myself . I don 't know what else to do right now . I don 't know how to change . I keep falling back on my old routines , what I 'm used to , what I 'm familiar with , but she was a part of that routine . Without her , I feel lost , empty . The desire to go back out to the bars is increasing , almost manic , and it 's only two in the afternoon . Only regulars and drunks are out at this time of day , and I know I don 't want that . What do I want ? What do I really want ? Honestly - - want to be close to somebody right now . Not emotionally close , or any of that shit , just physically close . I want to feel their warmth . I want to be able to reach out and feel their skin and not have them shy away in revulsion . I want to hear them breath , put my head on their chest and listen to their heart beat . I should give Joey a call . " Hey . I , uh , was just wondering what you were up to … this afternoon . Tonight . Get back to me once you get a chance . This is Chris . Um , bye . " That was disappointing . I text him on my cell just so he doesn 't feel like he has to call me on my house phone , but after an hour of smoking and drinking and waiting to hear back I give up and take a drive down to the mall . I feel lost . Why did I come here ? I wander back to the movie theater , but the only good movie that 's playing is one that I 've already seen . Before I realize what I 'm doing I 've already bought a ticket , and I 'm walking towards the concession stand to buy a soda because my mouth is dry from smoking too much . I find a place to sit where I can be by myself , which isn 't hard considering this movie 's been out for a few weeks now . I end up watching my phone more than I 'm watching the movie . I light up a cigarette , not caring . Before I 'm halfway done with it , I see somebody get up and head for the exit . The paranoia from all the shitty weed I 've smoked kicks in , and I feel like they 're going to the management to complain , rather than going to the bathroom or the concessions , which they might very well be doing , but I quickly stub my cig out on the floor and head out . I duck into another theater where a different movie is playing . I stay . It ended up not being as bad as I had expected , for as much as I saw of it . I leave the theater and start to drive out of the mall parking lot . After some time I get on the road , and my phone starts buzzing . I get it out of my pants pocket only to drop it on the floorboard in front of the passenger 's seat . Reaching down to pick it up , my car stops . My head hits hard against the dials of my car 's radio . My sight goes blank for a second . I look through my windshield to see a blue SUV sitting far too close to me , and a red light suspended right above it . I put my car into park and get out , not really thinking about what I 'm doing . The adrenaline pumping through me makes my arms and legs feel partially numb , and I have to force myself to keep steady . Maybe that weed was better than I thought . I really can 't think straight right now . A woman in her 40 's comes out of the SUV . All I can really tell about her is that she keeps herself in shape , but is far too tan for my taste . She 's speaking , yelling , actually , but none of it 's getting through . I tell my hand to reach back and get my wallet . The best it can do is land on my hip and slowly crawl to my back pocket . I finally have me wallet open in front of me after what seems like an eternity . Staring down at it , I can 't seem to find my insurance card . Turning my head back up to the angry woman , thinking I 'll just hand over my entire wallet and let her find it , I see that she 's now pointing at a spot which I think is behind me and to my left . I turn to look at what she 's pointing at but there 's nobody , nothing . She keeps pointing , this time adding a motion , her hand sliding down her face . I still can 't hear what she 's saying . I look again , still nothing . Maybe she wasn 't pointing past me , but at me , at the side of my face . I force my hand to mimic the motion she made . It feels wet . I bring my hand back in front of me and see more blood than I 'm used to seeing . My shoulder suddenly feels very wet and I panic for a moment before my head goes light . I 'm dizzy . My legs tingle , then go numb entirely . I can 't tell if it 's the loss of blood , the knock I took to my head , or all the weed I smoked , but I 'm falling . I hear the light slap of my wallet hitting the asphalt right before I fall to my knees . Feeling returns to my legs , and that feeling is pain . Somehow that triggered my brain into remembering what pain was , because now the entire side of my face explodes . All I can do is lie down as my eyes well up . I want to just die . I want to … My mother is telling me that her and my father are moving to Arizona . She 's telling me they 're taking my younger sister and leaving me the house . I 'm watching something on TV . I 'm angry with her , I can 't remember why , and I turn up the volume . I don 't even look at her once while she 's speaking , but I can tell from the sound of her voice that she 's upset . Her disappointment pierces right through the sales pitch of somebody I don 't know trying to sell me and the rest of America something we don 't need . I ignore her until she leaves . I 'm waking up to a grid of tiles and lights and a throbbing pain in my head . I start to look around , and I see both Josie and Joey sitting next to the bed I 'm lying in . It takes me a moment to realize I 'm in a hospital and not a hotel room ; the curtain rail tracing its way around my bed and rails on the bed itself gives it away . They don 't seem too thrilled to see me wake up , but they 're familiar faces , so that doesn 't bother me too much . What does bother me is that his hand is on her shoulder , with the other one on his lap . I see that both of her arms are angled toward him , and I can only assume she is holding his hand , but the bed 's blocking me from seeing it and knowing for sure . I put my head back on the pillow and close my eyes , clenching my teeth , rage blending with pain . I don 't want them together . I don 't want that at all . " They said you weren 't hurt too badly . I don 't know if they 'll let you leave tonight , still . " She gets up . " I 'll go tell somebody you 've woken up . Come on , Joey . " He follows her out without saying another word , like an obedient dog . Why did they have to call her ? A nurse comes in and does a basic checkup . The light she points in my eyes hurts like hell from my headache . I 'm not really paying attention to what she 's saying . All I can think about is Josie and Joey fucking . Josie and Joey . The similarity in their names makes me laugh . The nurse gives me a strange look , a nervous smile , then leaves . I want them to stay together . I want them to get married . I want them to get monogrammed towels . The doctor comes in with my x - rays and I can 't stop laughing about monogrammed towels .
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Here is the last of the stories I wrote for my class . It is based on a true story my friend , Deb , told me about her childhood . Phoebe Ann 's Brilliant Idea , No . 216 ! The two little girls were jammed so close together they could easily hear each other 's fast breathing . They were perched precariously , teetering on the very edge . Loud , impatient voices shouted from behind , feeling like invisible hands pushing them to act . When she peeked over the edge , Maggie could see lots of people walking around down below , unaware and uncaring of her fears . Then , suddenly there was a hard push from behind and Maggie had no more time to worry - they suddenly " took flight " into another of Phoebe Ann 's brilliant ideas ! Phoebe Ann came rushing up onto Maggie 's porch and rang the door bell in the special " code " she and Maggie had made up : " Ring , Ring , pause , Ring , Ring , pause , Ring , Rin . . . . " Phoebe Ann took her finger off the button when the door opened . Maggie stepped onto the porch all bundled up , wearing her backpack and ready to go . As they walked off the porch , Phoebe Ann said , " Come on , Maggie . Let 's hurry . I need to study my spelling words at school before the bell rings ! " Maggie automatically adjusted her pace to the sense of urgency in Phoebe Ann 's voice , and they took off quickly down the snowy sidewalk . Huffing and puffing a little , because her legs weren 't as long as Phoebe Ann 's and she was practically running , Maggie said , " Why didn 't you study your words last night ? That 's when you 're supposed to do homework , you know - not right before school starts ! " Phoebe Ann said , " Oh , I studied them some last night , after I got home from my brother 's basketball game . But I want to go over them again . Since I haven 't missed any yet , I don 't want to break my record ! " Phoebe Ann said , " Good . Don 't forget we 'll have to share your sled . I haven 't got a new one since mine broke last time . " Phoebe Ann and Maggie had been best friends forever , which in " fourth - grader time , " was about six years . They were both good students , they shared a love of reading and playing Sorry , and living right across the street from each other made their friendship very handy too . But there were also some big differences between the friends . At home , Phoebe Ann had two older brothers , so she had four " bosses , " or at least that 's how it seemed , because they liked to boss her as much as her parents did ! And , she was way too busy to care much about how she looked , which drove her mom absolutely crazy . Because after finally having a girl , Mom wished her daughter would display a little more interest in things that the two of them could share - like clothes and shopping ! At school , besides being a straight A student , Phoebe Ann was the fastest runner of everyone in the class . Maggie , on the other hand , was the princess at her house because she was the only child . In a word , she was adored . She was short and a little bit chubby , with a mop of curly red hair . She was learning to play the violin , and she loved , loved , loved pretty clothes . In fact , she was wearing her very favorite coat today - the dark blue wool one with big black buttons . She thought it was very " grown up " and " fashionable " looking . Even her glasses were stylish with the small rectangular black frames that she saw " cool " eighth grade girls wearing . The two friends were very different in their personalities , too . Phoebe Ann wasn 't just a fast runner - she was fast in all ways - her speech , her actions - and her decision - making , while Maggie was more of a thinker . She could easily have spent her whole childhood " thinking " rather than " doing , " if it hadn 't been for her " think it now / do it now " friend , Phoebe Ann , who regularly pushed her to action . But for Maggie it was always fun and exciting to be friends with Phoebe Ann . And , most of the time , she thought how lucky she was that Phoebe Ann had chosen to be her best friend . As soon as school let out , the girls hurried home . When they got home , they just dropped off their book bags , got permission from their moms to go sledding , and then half ran , half fast - walked , pulling Maggie 's sled back to the park across from the school . When they reached the park it was crowded . Lots of kids were already there enjoying the snow , and lots of snowball fights were going on . That looked like fun , too , but they were there to sled . So , they made their way through several snowball fights ( and threw a few themselves , of course , in self defense ) to the busy sledding hill . When they started taking turns on Maggie 's sled , it soon became obvious that , while this was fun , it was really slow fun . One of them would sled down and then slowly trudge back up the hill , working hard at pulling the sled through the deep snow . She would then give the sled to the other , who would then wait for her turn , and then she would sled down and slowly trudge back up the hill . It was short bursts of fun , with lots of waiting in between . So , while waiting for her next turn , Phoebe Ann had a brilliant idea ! When Maggie came trudging back up the hill , Phoebe Ann said excitedly , " Maggie ! Maggie ! Listen . I have a brilliant idea to make this more fun ! " Every fiber in Maggie 's little body at that moment , said , Oh - Oh , before she even heard the plan . When Phoebe Ann had a brilliant idea , it didn 't always bode well for Maggie ! One time Phoebe Ann had made a parachute out of an old blanket tied with some rope , and then convinced Maggie to jump out of the apple tree to " test " it ! It was a good thing it had been the close - to - the - ground apple tree and not the tall walnut tree used for the " test ! " Maggie wasn 't seriously hurt , but she did have trouble talking until she got her breath back . So , even if this way of sledding was a lot of hard work , Maggie wasn 't ready to buy into Phoebe Ann 's plan , until she heard all the details and made sure they didn 't involve her jumping off of or out of anything ! But Phoebe Ann was on a mission . Convinced that her idea was , in fact , brilliant , she made up the details as she went . " Okay , here 's what we 'll do . When it 's our next turn , one of us will lie down on the sled and the other one will lie on top of her ! That way we can both slide down the hill every time ! " Not only would they each get to go down twice as many times , but it would be easier to pull the sled back up the hill when they were doing it together . Brilliant ! Maggie would have asked some questions about exactly how this was going to work , but suddenly they were up next ! Phoebe Ann rushed ahead , pulling the sled to the very edge of the hill . So , Maggie went running after her . Quick ! They had to decide - who on the top - who on the bottom ! Hurry ! All the other kids were waiting impatiently for their turns . The girls certainly didn 't have time to stand around talking ! So , Phoebe Ann said , " Quick . Get on ! " The time for questions was past . The kids behind them in line were getting louder and louder ; they were taking too much time ! Whether she liked this idea or not , Maggie quickly laid face - down on the sled and Phoebe Ann threw herself on top of her ! Oh - Oh , how were they going to get started ? They didn 't know that two of them on the sled would make it harder to get started ! But someone from behind them , who was just interested in getting them out of the way so that that person could have his turn , gave them a Maggie slowly turned around . All Phoebe Ann could do was stare with huge eyes . What had happened to Maggie ? She had snow in her mouth . It covered her face , even her glasses ! In fact , the whole front of her was packed with snow ! When Phoebe Ann started brushing the snow off the front of her little friend , she realized something - all the big black buttons on the front of Maggie 's favorite blue coat were gone ! Oh - Oh . That 's when Phoebe Ann looked up the hill . The sled was still at the top of the hill , and the kids up there were pointing at the sled and then at her and Maggie , and laughing . That 's when the realization came - she had " sledded " down the hill on Maggie ! Maggie was trying to say something now , but Phoebe Ann couldn 't quite make it out , what with the snow in Maggie 's mouth and all , but Phoebe Ann did make out words like " never " and " ideas " and " Mommmmmy ! " Phoebe Ann cleaned her little friend off as best she could and used her best " mommy " voice , the one her mom used when she had an accident , to try to make Maggie feel better . Brush , brush , brush . " There . I 've gotten most of the snow off of you . " Then she straightened Maggie 's button - less coat . " I hope your mom won 't be too mad at you about your coat . " Maggie was a mess . Her pretty knit hat was almost off , perched in a lop - sided pile on top of her tangled red hair , her face was bright red and her glasses were foggy . " Cough , cough , cough . That was a dumb idea , Phoebe Ann ! " Maggie made a noise . Oh , No . Was she going to cry ? There was the sound again . Wait a minute - she was giggling ! And that made Phoebe Ann giggle too , in relief . Maggie must not be too mad at her ! But Maggie hurried to catch up and actually smiled at Phoebe Ann , in all her uncharacteristic messiness , and said , " Wait a minute . I 'll go with you . It 's easier to pull it together . " The following is one of the two stories I submitted to a short story contest while I was taking my writing class . It is based on an experience of one of our children . I 'm pretty sure you can guess which one ! Phoebe awoke to the familiar buzz of her 5 : 00 a . m . alarm , but was momentarily confused because it was pitch black . Then she realized why : Tigger was laying on the pillow next to her , and his ample girth was partially covering her face . A not - too - gentle push gave her some breathing room . This was a familiar strategy of his , called don 't forget to feed the kitty . He liked to eat first thing in the morning , so toward dawn his habit was to move very close to her as a reminder when she woke up that someone wanted to eat . She knew that this was the high point of a day that would be otherwise devoted to resting , preferably , in a ray of sun . It was hard to imagine that he was ever actually hungry when he expended so little energy , but , on the other hand , she knew he couldn 't possibly maintain a " physique " like his by only eating when he was hungry ! So , she padded to the kitchen with Tigger closely following , meowing instructions to her all the way . While he quickly dispatched his Friskies , she ate her " Breakfast of Champions , " i . e . , cold pizza and Diet Coke , with a fruit yogurt chaser . That was her favorite breakfast on big game days during high school and college . And today definitely qualified as a " big game day . " She would be making a presentation to the senior Air - Tech management for the first time about her ideas for a new employee benefits package . When she was hired , it was made very clear that was to be her first priority . " Move it , Phoebe . Big day ! ' Show time ' in three short hours and you need to be totally prepared ! " Returning to the bedroom , she pulled her just dry - cleaned black suit out of the closet and laid it on the bed , with a tailored dark red blouse . Then she headed for the bathroom to take her shower , and she took a little extra care with her make - up . No anxiety - induced zits . She saw that as a good sign . A quick application of hot rollers made her shoulder - length blonde hair turn under a little . The clock now said 5 : 45 . If she was ready by 6 : 00 , that would give her an hour to do a few run - throughs of her presentation . Even though she had used Power Point quite a bit , it still made her a little nervous ; there was always a chance something could go wrong . She went back to the bedroom to get dressed . Oh , no ! Her once - pristine black suit now lay crumpled on the floor , with Tigger the Hairy One in its place on the bed . With a " Bad Kitty ! " she quickly scooped him up and dropped him by the door , after which he sashayed , unrepentant , out of the room , in search of another comfy spot to sleep . Phoebe picked up her suit . It was absolutely covered in cat hair . She fantasized , not for the first time , about having that cat shaved ! But there was no time to enjoy that mental picture ; she had to decide what else she could wear . She scanned her closet for the second - most perfect suit . She settled on the navy pant suit . She had passed it over before for the dressier black suit , but now it looked like her best alternative . She would dress it up with pearls . She quickly put on the red blouse , the navy suit , her navy pumps with the pointy toes and a simple strand of pearls with stud earrings . She looked in the mirror and was satisfied . She looked good . Six - fifteen - she had 45 minutes to rehearse her presentation and still leave by seven . Her briefcase was on the kitchen bar . There was a plug there , so she could plug in her laptop to do her run - through . But when she opened the briefcase , no laptop . She immediately knew what must have happened . She had started to put it into her briefcase before leaving work yesterday when a guy named Matt from Accounting had stopped in to introduce himself . It had flustered her a little because he was very cute , and then they had walked to the parking lot together . She must have closed her briefcase without putting the laptop in ! Rats . Now what ? Okay , Plan B : She would leave now , get to the office about 6 : 50 , and then go over her presentation for 30 to 40 minutes , with time still left to relax a few minutes before the meeting . So , she went out to her car , drove directly to work , and because traffic wasn 't bad , got there by 6 : 45 . But , as she pulled in , she saw there weren 't any other cars in the parking lot . That was definitely a problem she hadn 't thought about . She didn 't have a key , and she had no idea when someone with a key would come in . The office officially opened at 8 : 00 , so maybe 7 : 15 , 7 : 30 ? She could not wait that long . She needed to find a way in , now ! Then she remembered where there was an unlocked door ! She parked her car and walked around the building . There it was . The door opened into a yard with picnic tables , enclosed by a six foot high chain link fence . She had eaten her lunch out there a few times and had noticed the door didn 't have a lock . That was her way in . She quickly scanned the fence on the outside chance there was a gate : none . Well , she could see the door ; now all she had to do was figure out how to get to it - although there really wasn 't much to figure . There was only one way : she 'd have to go over the fence . But that shouldn 't be a problem ; after all , she was an athlete . She had played sports for years and still ran , for heaven sake . This fence ought to be a piece of cake , although making the climb in high heels and a pant suit might complicate it a little ! But , she knew from playing sports that a lot of times winning was just a matter of refusing to lose . And , she refused to lose this time . She was going to get in there to her laptop so that she would be ready for her presentation , suit and heels or not ! She tossed up her wallet and car keys and they landed on the first try on the other side of the fence . Well , the die was cast . Her stuff was on the other side , so , now all she had to do was get herself over there too . She slipped out of her suit coat and hung it on the top of the fence . Then she rolled her wide - legged pants up to her knees to get them out of the way . She kicked off her shoes next to lob them over the fence , but then realized that they , with their pointy toes , might help in climbing the fence , so she put them back on . So , okay , here goes . The shoes were great ! They allowed her to climb the fence like a mountain climber with ice picks on the toes of his shoes ! Just like that , she was sitting on top of the fence . She enjoyed the view for just a minute . The sky was quickly getting lighter and she was amazed that she could see the drivers so clearly in the cars on the freeway that was just down a grassy hill from her . But , it suddenly occurred to her that if one of those drivers happened to glance up and see a woman sitting on top of a six foot high fence it could cause an accident or , worse yet for her , a 911 call . Being arrested or even questioned didn 't fit into her timetable for the morning ! So , she quickly went down the other side , again using her pointy toed shoes . The irony wasn 't lost on her , that she would have worn the black suit which had a skirt instead of pants and the black round - toed shoes if it hadn 't been for her " bad kitty , " Tigger . When she got to the other side , she rolled down her pant legs , fluffed her hair , picked up her wallet and keys and quickly went into the building through the unlocked door . It was 7 : 10 . She had 20 to 30 minutes to rehearse . It would have to do . She went immediately to her office and started practicing . By 7 : 50 she was set ; she had even had time for her cup of coffee . She felt good about her last couple run - throughs , and now she felt ready to " knock ' em dead " with her ideas . It was time to go to the meeting . She picked up her laptop and turned to get her jacket from the back of her chair ; not there . Yikes ! She must have left it hanging on the fence ! She rushed out of her office and down the corridor , headed for the door . That 's when she saw Mr . Guenther , the president of the company , coming toward her . . . carrying her jacket over his arm . Mr . Guenther smiled at her , started to speak , and then stopped . She could see him mentally matching the pants she was wearing to the jacket over his arm . Realization and bemusement showed in his eyes - he had found the owner of the jacket . He held it out to her and just smiled . She returned the smile , took the jacket , said , " Thank you , " and then turned and walked confidently toward the conference room . As he watched her walk away , Mr . Guenther wondered why he had found the jacket of his new Director of Human Resources and Benefits hanging on the fence ! But that question could wait for now . Phoebe was a young woman for whom he had high hopes . She would be making a presentation to him and the rest of senior management in just a few minutes , and he had a feeling she would have some great ideas for them . She just seemed like a great idea person . However , he did look forward to asking about the jacket later . He felt sure there must be an interesting story there . I had to write three short stories for my fiction writing class . Two that I wrote were meant to be funny . This one was my attempt at writing something serious . This idea for a story has been floating around in my head for several years , so I was glad to get it down on paper . However , it wasn 't as well received by my classmates as the funny stories were , so maybe I should stick to humor . Allen 's last memory was of lying on the lumpy twin bed in his efficiency apartment , watching a ballgame on the little black and white TV , while drinking shots of whiskey - lots and lots of shots . But now , even with his eyes closed , he knew he wasn 't there anymore . He could tell he was lying on the ground outdoors . He could feel the uneven earth and twigs and grass under him , and the smell of damp vegetation was strong . Allen cautiously pried his matter - crusted eyes open . It took them a minute to focus . But when they did , he realized he was lying on the ground in the middle of a woods . As he carefully moved his aching head , he could see nothing but trees in every direction . How had he gotten here ? Had there been an accident ? Had he driven his car blasted again ? After the last time , when he had almost hit a jogger , he had promised himself he would never drink and then drive again . But , apparently he had ; how else could he have gotten here ? He slowly pushed himself to a sitting position . His eyes came into sharper focus , and his headache even began to go away . Well , if he had been in an accident , it didn 't feel like he 'd been hurt . He slowly got to his feet and checked himself out - he couldn 't see any cuts or scrapes . In fact , he was feeling stronger by the minute . He was surprised that he suddenly felt better than he had in weeks . So , if he 'd had an accident , where was his car ? He stood perfectly still , and listened to see if he could hear any sounds of cars on a nearby road . He didn 't hear any road sounds , but he did realize there was a sound of rushing water . He must be near the river close to the house ! He had taken the kids there many times to fish , when he 'd still lived at home . In his drunken stupor , had he automatically headed for " home ? " " Huh , that 's pathetic , " he said out loud and shook his head . Marla had made it very clear that he wasn 't welcome there any more , or at least , as she had shouted that last day , " until you grow up and act like a responsible husband and father ! " Well , " old habits die hard , " so maybe he had automatically headed for the place his heart still called home . Allen looked around again . He didn 't recognize this part of the woods , so he started walking toward the river . He would get his bearings from there . Shortly , he came out of the woods at the river , but it wasn 't the familiar river he had expected . In fact , it was unlike any river he had ever seen before . All he could do was just stand there and take in the scene before him . Suddenly , a strange sensation came over Allen . He began experiencing thoughts and feelings that weren 't his own , and he knew somehow with certainty that they were coming from the fisherman . He could suddenly feel the single - minded sense of urgency that the fisherman was feeling . Allen thought , " He knows how important his task is to the people . He is the only one who is equipped to do the fishing . He must do it as fast as he can , before the catch is lost over the falls . " It was obvious the fisherman was an expert ; he wasted no motion . But , even when a cast was straight and true , many times the line came back empty . When that happened , Allen could feel the fisherman 's feelings of regret and sadness . Allen " knew " as if he 'd been told , " There were so many . If only he could catch them all , but the fisherman knew he couldn 't . But , he would never waiver in his resolve to catch as many as he could - the people were depending on him . " As Allen walked closer he realized the voices he had heard were coming from the water ! He stared in awe - it was filled with people , many of them seemingly oblivious to the falls they were being swept toward , and the certainty of death . Over there , some young girls were actually chatting and enjoying themselves , as if they were taking an afternoon swim , totally ignoring the fisherman . There , a grumpy - looking older man was so busy criticizing everyone around him , " Quit pushing ! Get out of my way ! Keep your voices down ! " so that he didn 't even see the lifeline when it was thrown in his direction . A man Allen recognized as an Olympic swimming champion saw the lifeline but swam away from it toward the falls , depending on his own strength to survive . There were many who were striving for the lifeline , but some of them lost interest and swam away without grabbing it . Over and over the fisherman would throw the lifeline , unerringly , near one of the people and if they grabbed hold , he would quickly pull that one in , and the men standing behind him would welcome them and wrap them in a warm , beautiful white robe . Then that person would join the group gathered behind the men that Allen now saw was a huge throng of white - robed people - men , women and children - of every age , color and nationality , all praying and singing songs of praise , and watching expectantly for the next " catch " to join them . The glow from so many assembled white robes hurt Allen 's eyes it was so bright , and the songs they sang were the most beautiful he had ever heard . He suddenly understood . He knew this Fisherman . He was the " Fisher of Men " Allen had learned about in Sunday school . But , why was Allen seeing and feeling all this ? Was he dead ? Was this Heaven ? If he was in Heaven , why didn 't he have a white robe and why wasn 't he part of the singing throng ? He turned back toward the river and looked at the people in the water again , and he realized that he knew many of the people there . There was Aunt Millie , there was Dr . Bateman , there , there was - his family ! He watched with tears in his eyes as the Fisherman pulled Marla and then James and then Maddy to shore . Allen was overwhelmed with feelings of thankfulness and joy that his family was all saved . At that moment , for the first time , the Fisherman turned and looked Allen directly in the eye . He didn 't say anything , but Allen felt a powerful emotion in those eyes specifically involving him . Was it regret or was it relief ? He couldn 't tell . Then the Fisherman turned back to his task . Next the Fisherman threw the line to a man struggling to stay afloat . The rushing water swept him closer . Now Allen could see the face - it was him ! The Fisherman cast the lifeline toward the thrashing man . At first , he didn 't see it . Then he saw it , but he seemed confused and unsure whether to grab it or not . He was going to miss it ! Allen wanted to yell , " Grab the lifeline ! Grab hold - it 's your only chance - don 't you see the falls ? " But he couldn 't make a sound . All he could do was watch helplessly . And then , at the last possible second , he saw himself reach up toward the lifeline . He could feel the muscles in his arms stretching to reach the line - but he was almost past it , in a second it would be out of reach ! He tried stretching even harder one more time - he could feel every muscle in his body painfully straining , trying to reach the lifeline before he was swept over the falls . Just a few more inches - reach ! - reach ! And then . . . . Allen awoke with a start . He was bathed in cold sweat . He had spilled the rest of whiskey on the tattered , thin blanket on the bed , so there was a nauseatingly sweet smell of sweat mixed with booze . The ball game must be over ; an infomercial was on now . And then he was shocked when he looked at the travel clock on the wobbly little table and it said 5 : 36 a . m . ! It was morning ! He must have passed out and slept through the night . It had been a dream . Thank you , God , it had been a dream . Allen said , " No , Marla . Nothing 's wrong . In fact , I feel really good . And , before you ask , no , I 'm not drunk . I have something really important to tell you . Can I please come over ? " Silence . " Marla , please listen . I finally feel like I can give up my ' whiskey crutch ' and , if you 'll give me another chance , I know now I 'm ready to be the husband and father you and the kids deserve . " Still silence ; and then , a sound of teary , uneven breathing . Marla cleared her throat and regained her composure , " Allen , I can 't tell you how much I want to believe those words . How many times I have prayed for you to say those words . But , I 'm so afraid to hope . Please don 't say them if you don 't really mean them . " " Mar , I mean them with all my heart . I suddenly feel an overwhelming need to heal my relationships - with you and the kids , and with God . If you will take me on as a ' project ' just one more time , I promise I 'll work and love and pray and appreciate with every fiber in my body . Again , there was silence . Maybe it was too late . Maybe he had tested Marla 's love one too many times . Finally , Marla said , with a first glimmer of hope in her voice , " Okay . Come for lunch . The kids will be at your mom 's , so we can talk . I will not give them false hope before we 've talked this out . If you 're going to come home , I want it to be for good . They need their daddy so bad , but I don 't want them just to have you back for a little while - it has to be all or nothing . " Relief and hope flooded Allen . " That 's what I want too , Marla . I 'll be there at noon . Good - bye . . . . Wait ! Just one more thing . Marla , even through all this , I never stopped loving you . Do you believe me ? " " Yes , even with all that 's happened , I 've always known you love me , and I 've always loved you . And , it 's only because I know that that I think there might be hope for us . We 'll talk when you get here , Allen . " " Okay , I 'll be there . Oh , and , Marla , let 's take a walk down by the river after lunch , okay ? I have a fishing story I 'd like to tell you . " 9 Comments | Fishing , PURE Fiction ! , Relationship with God , To Think About , Writing Class | Permalink It was early in the day and there was a steady flow of traffic - too much activity for them to do anything but watch - too dangerous now . But , they were patient . Their time would come . The murder of crows swooped down from the high branches of the trees where they had been waiting and had their mid - day meal of road kill , in leisure . They would be safely back in the trees before the going - home traffic on the road started ( and , with any luck , supplied another meal ! ) . Inspired by a conversation I had with " multi - pierced and tatooed girl " who sits next to me in my writing class . She gave me her latest story to read called , " The Murder . " It involved " a flock " of crows that she told me are sometimes called " a murder . " In my writing class a couple weeks ago , I didn 't have a good day . I was unprepared for the quiz ( I had forgotten what an icky feeling it is to be unprepared for a test ) . Then I had a little problem hearing when a soft spoken young girl read her story in class , which made me feel just plain OLD . And , as a topper , I felt Dr . H was just a smidge sharp with me when I asked where the draft of my story was that I had turned in last week . ( Full - time students have on - campus mail boxes , so everyone else received theirs back that way . ) The way he said that I must not have checked my home mailbox , because he had mailed it to me and it should have arrived the day before , made me feel somehow remiss that I hadn 't known that it was coming that way ( I think he assumed I would know ) . On my way home , in terrible snowy weather , requiring white - knuckle driving , I had just a good old fashioned pity party for myself . I was thinking , " I don 't belong in this writing class . . . . I should ask if I could get some of my money back . . . . These kids are way out of my league . . . . This Prof doesn 't really like having an ' old ' student . " Whine . Whine . Whine . My paper was there and Dr . H had made very constructive comments on it . And , at the end , he had written , " Thank you for reading your story in class . You are a wonderful addition to this class ! " Immediately , an amazing transformation occurred . Just those few kind words turned my whole day around . I hope he really does like having me in the class , because his comments have motivated me to stay with it " for the long haul . " I tell you this story because I think all of us need to be reminded once in a while what power there is in a few kind words . P . S . I 'm mailing that first story today to the magazine contest we are required to enter with each of our three stories . I haven 't shown it to you here because the instructions for the contest say stories must be " previously unpublished " and I 'm afraid they might consider writing it on my blog " published . " Once it 's through at the magazine though , I 'll definitely post it here , because I have to say I am kind of proud of it . I have learned so much from this first story , especially how a story evolves from draft to draft . Whether I never write another story , or I write a hundred more , I will always remember the thrill of mailing out this first completed story ! P . S . S . Wouldn 't it be funny if some day I found out that Hubby took a pen with him to the mail box , and that the kind comments " from Dr . H " were written by Hubby ! 10 Comments | Suggestions for Life , To Think About , Writing Class | Permalink I don 't ever remember reading a Hemingway book . So , maybe I have finally " grown up " so that I can appreciate his writing . A very interesting , unexpected turn of events that I would never have predicted when I signed up for a writing class . I know you 'll be as surprised as I was when I realized that I am a little bit wordy ! Big shock here . Do you mean that most people who blog don 't routinely have posts that are over 1 , 000 words ? How do they say what they 're thinking ? I have to tell you , I think , and speak , in long , rambling , multiple - subject sentences . So , of course , I write like that too . I had the idea for the story , and had started working on it , but now we 're in the home stretch ( rough drafts due next week ) , so a few days ago I sat down and just did marathon typing . I didn 't pay any attention to word count because I just wanted to get a complete draft on paper . So , when I finally had a beginning , middle and end , I looked at the word count . It was 3 , 500 words . I then went to find the instructions for the assignment , so that I could know where I stood in comparison to how many words my story needed ( I certainly didn 't want it to be too short . But , what are the chances of that . Right ? ) . Ahh , there were the rules for the contest our stories would be entered in . Fiction - maximum 3 , 000 words . Oh . Oh . I was going to have to do a little " pruning . " But then the deadline for that contest caught my eye - January 30 . Hmmm . That was past . That must not be the contest our professor meant . I looked down the list - Romance , Horror / Ghost , Science Fiction / Fantasy - ahh , this would be the one - Short Story , deadline May 30 . And , let 's see , how many words - 2 , 000 ! Wow . That must be the reason they call them SHORT stories - I have grocery lists longer than that . So , for the last two days , Hubby and I have been doing major surgery on that story . In fact we 've done so much cutting , I feel we are now perfectly qualified to do any upcoming brain surgery you may need . And , I 'm sure our rates will be very attractive when you compare them to those of the guys with all the degrees . So , this is the reason I need to learn Russian . I don 't think I 'm cut out to write little skinny , concise books like , The Ten Minute Manager or Who Moved My Cheese . No , I 've decided that Dr . Zhivago is more my style . Looooong , rambling sentences , that you might have to read several times to grasp all the complex ideas , all clustered in never - ending , verbose paragraphs . So , I think this morning I 'll have to call around and see when the next Russian class starts at one of the local colleges . But , in the meantime , essen gut . Oh , wait a minute - that 's German . Well I guess that would work just as well . I remember a time when I met a German man . . . . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of original text , photographs or videos on this site without express and written permission from this blog 's author / owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Sandra at Add Humor and Faith . . . Mix Well , with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .
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I have 3 boys , and they do funny things . In an effort to remember these moments and share them with the ones we love , and who love us , I will attempt to write down the funny things as they happen . Check back for a laugh ! Well , the elves are gone . They headed back to the North Pole until next year . We had a great time with them and can 't wait to see what they will do next year . In the meantime , here 's a funny story about our nephew . He 's our only nephew . We have five nieces and only one nephew . He is eight years old ; two years older than our oldest . So , naturally my boys look up to him and love hanging around with him . So we all began yelling out things like kiss , hug , etc . We ran out of ideas and started to look at each other with wide eyes and funny faces . I guess none of us had the guts to say it , until my brother ( his father ) called out sex ! A close up of our cute little helpers . Tuti and Darth Vader dropping the toilet paper down the tree . I think they like the cascading effect ! Then Thursday morning we found them surrounded by all of the boys ' cars . There were 92 in attendance . It seems like the elves were trying to bring some holiday cheer to the cars ! These elves are really keeping us on our toes ! Our poor elves must really miss the cold and snow . Being down here in South Florida is a long way away from where they usually live . They apparently are having withdrawals , so they 've decided to improvise . We have a new tradition . I thought it would be fun to have the elves come and visit our house for a few days before Christmas . Then they would get into all kinds of mischief during the night , and the kids would be excited to see what they had done while they were asleep . It was 6 : 45 am and Ryan and I were still lying in bed . The kids came tip - toeing out and we could hear them whispering to each other . The table is next to our bedroom , so we could hear everything they were saying when they found the elves . Rylan couldn 't believe that the elves had found the toys that were in the goody bag and he was not very happy that they had eaten his chocolate . We heard Nathan tell his elf , " I 'm going to put you in time out . " Rylan told his he had to put him back to sleep since he 'd been up all night . They finally made it into our room and said , " Look what the elves did last night ! They ate our candy ! " We asked them if it was the elves or them . And if they were sure that it was the elves ? Oh , you should have heard the protests ! They were talking about girlfriends . And I missed the questions that prompted the conversation , but listened as Rylan explained to Nathan that girls can be your girlfriends now because they are little . But when you get older , they turn into your wife . And then they become mothers and you become a father . Nathan ( 4 ) and Rylan ( 6 ) have been playing football all day long . They take turns being different teams . Sometimes they 're professional teams , other times college teams . I thought about this and wondered why they were always Bulldog cheerleaders . And I realized , that we just got back from Atlanta , where one of the traditions is to watch the Univ . of Georgia vs . Georgia Tech football game . Nathan watched it with the big boys this year . I asked my husband about it and he said that there was one cheerleader that came on the TV . It was a really close up shot , and Nathan was standing right in front of the TV at the time . He stopped what he was doing and stared at the TV while she shook her pom - poms and cheered on her team . His mouth hung open . I later asked Nathan why there were always Georgia cheerleaders cheering for him , he just put his head down and tried not to laugh . I asked if he had seen one on the TV that he thought was pretty and he ran out of the room , trying to not crack a smile , but as he ran away I heard him giggling . All the boys in my house who are old enough to have an opinion are huge University of Miami fans . I am not . ( I 'm still holding out for Owen . ) As a matter of fact , I 'll be happy no matter who UM loses against , just as long as they lose . Apparently , they are now making and marketing a new cereal at the grocery store down here . There is a UM cereal and a UF cereal . Maybe there 's more , but they cater to those two teams down here . The boys saw this cereal this morning when they were at the store with Daddy . They reported to me that there is a UM cereal , and they want to buy it . They also told me there is a Gator 's cereal and Nathan said , " I 'm going to throw up if I eat that one ! " As the elevator door opened , two rather large ladies were waiting to walk out . We were waiting to get on . Nathan was the first in line . He said , " That 's a huuuuuggggeee . . . . . ( he paused for a second while I was dying inside , praying that the next words out of his mouth would ease my fears ) . . . . . elevator ! " Waiting to see his new baby cousin , he asked , " Mommy ? Will baby Hannah be so pretty ? " After I said yes , he said , " And she 's going to be so cute . " I 'm hanging on your every word , my Nathan . I feel like I am entering a new phase of mothering boys . I think this is the phase that I 've been the most nervous about . It 's about that time when other things at school and play are beginning to influence some of Rylan 's perceptions . Right now , it 's no big deal . I can handle this , for example : Like I said , I can handle this conversation , but I know there are many more conversations on the horizon about what girls have / don 't have , do / don 't do , etc . There 's so much info out there for them to glean , and they are , that it will be interesting where our conversations go . Posted by Along comes young neighbor who is in her early 20 's and apparently has just returned from the beach , as she is still in full beach attire , a string bikini . She gets out of the car and I see Rylan and the neighbor boy whispering something , covering their mouths while they talk because they know they probably shouldn 't be talking about the girl wearing her bathing suit , although they probably do not understand why . A quick , " Rylan " in the mommy - tone takes care of that and brings those two back down to earth where playing soccer is more important . I was at my friend 's house today . She had her 20 month old there and I brought Owen . All the older brothers were at schools or with Daddy , so it was just the two little ones . They 're really getting along together quite well without all of the interruptions from the older boys . The two of us girls were chatting it up . We each thought the other had an eye on the boys . We could hear them babbling , but realized that we didn 't quite know where they were . We followed the talking noises and wound up outside of the bathroom door . That 's Owen 's favorite place , so I made sure that door was closed , but older friend knows how to open it . I wonder who 's idea it was ? Anyway , as we opened the door , first the smell of Airwick Automatic Air Sanitizer hit us in the face . It is motion activated and will spray every two minutes . Second , we noticed the lack of light . My friend and I looked at each other with wide eyes . Owen was sitting on the floor and older friend was sitting on the ( closed ) toilet . They were talking away with each other , in the dark , in an overly scented bathroom . " I know , but why did you say never mind ? " " Because I don 't want to hurt __________________ 's feelings . So I 'm just going to keep it in my head for the whole day . " " Okay , that 's probably better that way . I 'm very proud of you for making that choice and not saying that . You 're right , it might hurt someone 's feelings . " Nathan is very in tune with what he 's wearing lately . He likes to pick out his clothes and make sure they match . This morning he came to me , after getting dressed , and asked , " Mommy , do I look cool in this ? " I told him that yes , he does look cool , but wanted him to understand that looking or being cool doesn 't depend on what he is wearing at the moment . I told him , " You know what Nathan ? You would be cool even if you had your pajamas on . Even if you wore a dirty shirt , you would still be cool , because do you know what makes you cool ? Just being Nathan makes you cool ! " He smiled and said , " Even if I was naked I 'd be cool ? " ( Where does he come up with this stuff ? ) " Well , yes , because you would still be Nathan , but that is not something you can wear out of this house ! " He laughed and thought that was so funny . But I really want him to understand that cool isn 't something you put on . It 's just being who God made you to be ! Random moments with Nathan : Today he wanted to play kittens . He was the kitten and I was the human . I held him and pet his head . Then I gave him an imaginary bowl with milk and he lapped it up . Then I was the Mommy cat and we cuddled and purred . Then I told him how Mommy cats clean baby kittens . . . . you know , they lick them . He thought that was hilarious , so of course I ( pretended ) to lick all over his head and he died laughing . Other times he plays like he 's a baby bird and I 'm the mommy bird . He likes that game because he knows how mommy birds feed baby birds . Do you know ? It 's too gross to put into words . . . . google it ! I love these games with Nathan . The other day I was putting my produce away . I dropped a few apples , I thought it was three , but when I was picking them up I could only find two . Then I had that conversation in my mind , you know the one . Am I really going crazy ? Because I thought there was three apples but I can 't find the other one ! Then I keep looking over the floor as I continue putting away the produce . A few minutes later , I noticed that the house was unusually void of the constant baby talk and squealing that Owen contributes . I asked , " Where 's Owen ? " And began looking around . I then found him under the table quietly eating an apple , trying to be ask quiet as possible . When he noticed that I saw him , he said , " Uhhh ? Huh ? Muh ? " Then he laughed and gave me a cheesy smile to try to play it off and triumphantly took another bite . Owen is now walking all over the place . He struts his stuff and is so proud of himself . He loves to be able to stand up and look at things and grab things off the counter . One thing he has discovered is the garbage can . We have one that is covered , but he 's also learned how to open it . He stands up next to it and lifts the top up to discover what treasures lie beneath the lid . Usually , I catch him . Sometimes , I do not . Yesterday was one of those days that I did not . I looked over at him and saw him with something in his hand and in his mouth . He had taken a piece of a bagel out of the garbage and was happily biting pieces off . He looked at me and said , " AAAHH ? ! UUHHH ? ! " He gave me a great big smile and kicked his feet like he does when he 's excited , and took another bite . Well . . . . at least it was a bagel ! We were discussing our plans for the evening . It 's Grandma 's birthday today , ( HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! ) so we were planning to go to her house for dinner and cake . Nathan and Rylan were talking about it in the other room and I was listening . I heard Rylan explain the details to Nathan and Nathan 's question was , " We 're going to Regular Grandma 's house ? " Now I didn 't understand what he meant by that question , but Rylan didn 't skip a beat he said , " Yeah , not Great - Grandma , just Grandma . " This is a post about my man , not my boys , but worth the time to write it . You know how some men bring home flowers to their wife when they come home from work or from a quick run to the store ? Well , not my husband . He knows that flowers die , and they 're not really the way to my heart . He came home the other day and said , " Baby , I know how much you love saving money , so I brought you a new coupon book ! " Well , that 's as good ( or better ) as flowers for me any day of the week ! I love you Ryan ! Nathan really hurt his lip . I mean , really hurt it . He was playing on the floor pushing a race car . Somehow the plastic bugs were involved in this particular race . Unfortunately , Mr . Grasshopper got caught under the car that he was pushing and made his arm stop . Well , when Nathan pushes a car , it 's serious business . He had so much momentum going that when his arm stopped , his whole body continued forward until his lip met the ground . I saw the whole thing happen , but it 's one of those things where you don 't comprehend what 's happening until it 's done and there 's blood on the floor and fat lip . I felt so bad for him . He hurt his two front teeth , cut the gums , and talked with a big fat lip for 2 days . Anyway , Sunday morning , Daddy was going to be talking in church to the people about London . Daddy asked Nathan if he wanted him to pray for his lip before church started . He said yes . Then Daddy asked Nathan if he could pray for Daddy while he talked to the people . He said yes he would . He also said he would ask his teacher to pray for him . Then he came to me and asked me , " Mommy , do you want me to pray for you today in class ? " It was so sweet ! I see things that he does and hear things that he says and I really think that he is beginning to understand salvation and that God is real and prayer changes things . I love that boy ! I made mashed potatoes tonight . Rylan was hesitant to eat them . Apparently , he explained , he 's tried them before and he doesn 't like them . Well , that doesn 't fly in our house . . . . so needless to say he tried them . After his first taste he said , " You know , I 've tried these before , but didn 't like them . And this time they 're really good . " I told him that 's because I make them a special way and use a special ingredient . And he replied , " Oh , I 'm going to need to figure that one out before I have kids ! " One of the things that I guess I will be facing for the rest of my life , at least while the 3 boys are in the house , is burping at the table . ( Among other bodily functions that are not allowed . ) Rylan , in particular , has become very robust with his burps . He can even do them on command now . This is a problem at the table . We understand that sometimes things slip out , but we expect an " Excuse me " to be said and for him to acknowledge that he should have tried a little harder to keep that one in . Tonight , Rylan let a burp come tumbling out and didn 't say anything about it . Daddy said , " Rylan , you don 't even say excuse me anymore . You 're getting bad at that . " Nathan , seizing the opportunity , said " Yeah , Rylan . I don 't even know you anymore . " Today is Rylan 's first day of school . As I lovingly prepared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich , a favorite of Rylan 's , I wrote on the napkin " I love you . Have a great 1st day of school , " as so many moms that have gone before me have done . Since he 's not reading everything yet , I showed him the note . I told him what is said . In the background , Ryan said , " My mom used to write notes to me in my lunchbox . " I told Rylan that my mom did the same thing for me when I was a little girl . He said , " And now you 're doing it for me ! " And he looked at me and smiled and said , " I like it ! " Aww . . . my heart melted . Good luck on your first day Rylan ! I love you ! So lately I 've had two girlfriends come over in the morning and we 've been working out in the living room . They come early , usually about 7 am . The kids usually sleep later than that , so we try to be quiet . The first day , I didn 't tell the kids about them coming over . Nathan came out with his sleepy eyes , squinting at the bright light then looked like he thought he was still dreaming . He looked so confused . He wouldn 't talk to any of us , just went over to the table and started coloring . That 's usually how he deals with things , by ignoring them . The two other boys slept right through the whole thing . Later , when the girls were gone and after Rylan woke up , I told him that they were over and we exercised . He had a look of shock on his face and said , " So I missed the whole thing . " " Yep , " I said . With a look of relief on his face he said , " Good ! Because that would be gross ! " : P Our niece , who is almost 11 years old , was sleeping over our house for the night . It 's been interesting to see my 5 year old interact with her in a one - on - one situation . When I just sit back and observe , I can see a lot of the things that we have been teaching him , directly and indirectly , at work . One of these things gave me a glimpse into what his first date might look like , or maybe the conversation starter to get the first date . We were sitting down for dinner and Rylan asks Taylor , " Have you been enjoying your summer so far ? " The question in and of itself is not funny , but the five year old asking the question in such a grown - up way made me chuckle inside . He 's been picking up on these things and is putting them to good use . Wish I could be a fly on the wall when he has to start " that " conversation so far down the road . Rylan 's Grandad is the pastor at our church . So over the years he has clocked some serious time at church , most of which were non - church days and no one was there , so he really had run of the building . His Grandma lets him ride bikes and scooters in the building and so on . So Rylan is feeling very comfortable about his position at church . In other words , he 's becoming a staff brat . Here 's the evidence : At a gathering the other night , Rylan 's Me - ma was watching him in the back . He was trying desperately to sit on top of a table that kept tilting and threatening to fall . She told him to get down and not to do that . He looked at her and said , " You don 't go to church here , " with a scowl . He was clearly marking his territory and letting his Me - ma know who 's in charge . Me - ma stood her ground and handled the situation , but she had to turn away and laugh when it was all done . I think it 's because her dear little children were once called staff brats as well . ( Although I don 't know why ! ) Rylan and Nathan were playing " family . " That is the newest thing that they like to do . They take turns being the Dad or even the Mom . The other will be the baby or the son . It changes every time . So today , Nathan asks Rylan if he wants to play . They both agree Nathan will be the Dad and Rylan the son . Rylan was trying to continue playing with his race car track , but " Dad " told him he had to stop . Apparently " son " was not listening and " Dad " tried to turn it off . Then I hear " son " exclaim , " I can do whatever I want , I 'm a teenager ! " HA ! He 's got another thing coming to him ! We were looking through an old phone that is not used any more . I think it 's from Grandma . She let the boys play with it . Nathan asked her to charge it for him . After dinner we started looking at the old pictures . There were pictures of Rylan when he was a baby and of Nathan when he was a baby . We were oo - ing and ah - ing then all of the sudden Nathan says with no joking , " Can we please stop , this is freaking me out . " We all roared with laughter and Nathan did , too . I don 't know if he really meant it or if the kid can just deliver a line . He cracks us all up . Rylan and Nathan were getting ready for a nap today . I was finishing up with Owen and getting him ready for a nap . I guess Rylan said he was going to go to sleep already , and I overheard Nathan say , " But you 're going to miss the hug and kiss ! " He said it as if it was a prized possession that he would never think of forgetting . And he never does . We used the new T - ball bat we bought for the boys for the first time today . They had a lot of fun . Rylan had a few really good hits with Ryan pitching to him . Nathan did too , but he still used the red plastic bat that 's a little bigger . Rylan actually broke one of the whiffle balls ! He was really excited about that . Of course , Owen and Mommy were on the side cheering for each of them . When it was Nathan 's turn , he would say , " Cheer for me Mommy ! " One time , when Nathan was up to bat , he kept missing the ball . He was getting a little frustrated , but was still having a good time . He told the ball , " Come on sucker ! " Now , I don 't approve of this language that he probably got from a movie , but it was still funny to me . When he finally hit a ball , he took off to run the bases . He ran to first , ran 3 circles around first without ever touching it , then ran past second , and past third , without touching them , and then stomped on to home . He was so proud of himself . I was laughing and cheering for him . He then came running over to me and said , " Good job cheering for me Mom ! Give me a high 5 ! " It was a lot of fun . Nathan said to me the other day , " You are cool . I like you . You 're my baby . " I said , " I 'm your baby ? " He said , " Yes , my baby girl , like Daddy calls you that . " I said , " Ok " with my heart all a glow . . . . : ) Rylan : Can you believe what Wayra said today ? She said she wants . . . . me to be . . . . . her boyfriend . She asked me to be and I said no , then she asked me again and again and again . I told her I was never going to be a boyfriend and she said if I don 't be her boyfriend she 's never going to like me anymore . Me : She said she 's not going to like you anymore ? Rylan : Yes , so I said . . . . . . . yes . Me : What is a boyfriend and girlfriend ? Rylan : I don 't know but I am her boyfriend . Me : Are you happy ? Rylan : Yes . Nathan was playing swords with Daddy . Daddy said , " I 'm going to get you ! " Nathan said , " Uh - uh Old Man ! " We all cracked up at that . Rylan was very happy to tell us today that Wayra said she 's going to like him every day . He said , " Mom , I don 't even have to ask her anymore ! " Apparently they are an item , according to the teacher . They say they 're boyfriend and girlfriend and that they 're going to get married , although he denies that to us . I asked Rylan how school was on Friday . He said , " Today was the dumbest day at school . " I was quite shocked to hear that response , but asked him why . He said that Wayra keeps going " back and forth , back and forth " saying that she likes him then she doesn 't . " She just can 't make up her mind ! Why does she do that ? " I replied , " I don 't know honey , sometimes girls just have a hard time deciding . " We were driving home from church and listening to classical music to soothe the savage beasts in the back seat . We try to picture what 's happening based on the music . For example , the music sounded sad and lonely and Rylan said , " It sounds like someone is lost . " Then the music picked up and we said it sounds like someone was running . Then the music got sweet and almost romantic , and I said , " It sounds like they found each other . " That last statement triggered a memory from the day for Rylan . He said , " Mom , do you know that something very special happened today at school ? " I was intrigued , so I asked what it was . He said , " Wayra said that she likes me now and she 's my friend . " I was driving , so I couldn 't see his face , but I could hear the smile in his voice . I told him that was great and I 'm happy for him . But I just had to know , " How does that make you feel ? " " Happy , " he said very quietly . Later he brought it up again and said , " Wayra said that she likes me best out of all the boys in school . She likes me more . " I was so happy for him ! A couple days later we were looking at the graduation pictures that were up on the board at school . We were looking for his picture , but he found hers first . He pointed at it and looked at me with a little smirk . That 's all , nothing said , it was written all over his face . < 3 Rylan had a " friendship party " at school for Valentine 's Day . We made his Valentines , and he had a specific one set out for Wayra . It was nothing special , except that he colored it a little differently than the others . When he came home and was showing us his valentines that he had received from his classmates , he took one and said , " I want to put this one up on the wall so I can see it . " Can you guess who that one is from ? Wayra . It 's a little pink card with a white cat on it that says " Happy Valentine 's Day . " There is one thing that Ryan , my husband , hates . . . that 's wet willies . Rylan gave him one while they were playing the other day and it shocked Ryan so much that he yelled , " Ew ! What was that ? ! " In the mean time , Nathan had his finger in his mouth , ready to give the next one to Ryan , but when he saw the reaction that Daddy gave , he stuck his finger in his own ear . EEWW ! We were talking this morning about the rules , or 10 commandments that God gave us . We talked about each one and why God told us to do them . Some of them were funny to talk about , at least on my end . It was funny to see their faces just soak up what " don 't commit adultery " means . And we were all in agreements that the last 5 rules , don 't lie , commit adultery , murder , steal , and covet were all really good rules that are there to keep us happy and others happy . The first 4 commandments that have to do with God are good too . God really loves us , so that 's why He wants us to do these things . That leaves commandment number 5 . . . . honor you father and mother . We talked about what that means . And I told them that the Bible says if they do this , they 'll live a long life . Rylan thought it was a good idea , but Nathan , on the other hand . . . well he said , " Well , I 'm not going to do it . It 's not good . " I didn 't laugh , but he made me chuckle on the inside . This should get interesting ! Rylan ( 5 ) has told me he likes a girl at school more than all the other girls at school . She has brown hair that goes to her shoulder and her name is Wyla . He 's going to show her to me tomorrow . Whenever he sees her , he closes his eyes , because she doesn 't like him . She used to like him , however does not like him anymore , and that makes him sad . He doesn 't know why . Me : Well , Rylan , did you ask her why she doesn 't like you ? Rylan : I asked her , Wyla , do you like me ? and she said no . Me : Well , maybe you can ask her if you can still be friends . Rylan : No , I promise , she said we 're not friends anymore . Oh the pains of liking someone . . . . my poor boy . I can 't imagine why anyone would not like him ! Rylan and Nathan were playing swords today . They generally play pretty well together . Rylan " got " Nathan with the sword , so Nathan fell to the floor . Rylan walked over to him and looked at him laying on the floor and said dramatically , " My work here is done . " He then put his sword into his pants and walked away . I don 't know where he got it from , but it was perfect . Later , Nathan got Rylan and said , " My work are done . " I have three great boys who are a lot of fun . They say and do the funniest things , so I keep record of these on my MyFunnyBoys blog . I also really like to sew . There 's so much in my life that is unfinished business . . . like the floors that never stay clean and the perpetual feeding of the boys . It 's enough to make someone go crazy , SoSarahSews . . . . to keep sane , to feel like she 's accomplished something and finished a project . It feels good !
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Hands started going up . He said , " I am going to give this $ 20 to one of you but first , let me do this . " He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up . He then asked , " Who still wants it ? " Still the hands were up in the air . " Well , " he replied , " What if I do this ? " And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe . He picked it up , now all crumpled and dirty . " My friends , you have all learned a very valuable lesson . No matter what I did to the money , you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value . It was still worth $ 20 . Many times in our lives , we are dropped , crumpled , and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way . We feel as though we are worthless . But no matter what has happened or what will happen , you will never lose your value in God 's eyes . To Him , dirty or clean , crumpled or finely creased , you are still priceless to Him . During Mark 's first month of college , the professor gave his students a pop quiz . He was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions , until he read the last one : " What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school ? " Surely this was some kind of joke . He had seen the cleaning woman several times . She was tall , dark - haired and in her 50s , but how would he know her name ? He handed in his paper , leaving the last question blank . Just before class ended , one student asked if the last question would count toward the quiz grade . " Absolutely , " said the professor . " In your careers , you will meet many people . All are significant . They each deserve your attention and care , even if all you do is smile and say ' hello ' " . Mark never forgot that lesson . He also learned her name was Dorothy . The race commenced , looking like a level heat at the finishing line , but sure enough the boy dug deep and called on his determination , strength and power . . he took the winning line and was first . The crowd was ecstatic and cheered and waved at the boy . The wise man remained still and calm , expressing no sentiment . The little boy , however . felt proud and important . A second race was called , and two new young , fit , challengers came forward , to run with the little boy . The race was started and sure enough the little boy came through and finished first once again . The crowd was ecstatic again and cheered and waved at the boy . The wise man remained still and calm , again expressing no sentiment . The little boy , however , felt proud and important . " Another race , another race ! " pleaded the little boy . The wise old man stepped forward and presented the little boy with two new challengers , an elderly frail lady and a blind man . " What is this ? " , quizzed the little boy . " This is no race " he exclaimed . " Race ! " , said the wise man . The race was started and the boy was the only finisher , the other two challengers left standing at the starting line . The little boy was ecstatic , he raised his arms in delight . The crowd , however , was silent showing no sentiment toward the little boy . " What has happened ? Why not do the people join in my success ? " he asked the wise old man . " Race again " , replied the wise man , " . . . this time , finish together , all three of you , finish together " continued the wise man . The little boy thought a little , stood in the middle of the blind man and the frail old lady , and then took the two challengers by the hand . The race began and the little boy walked slowly , ever so slowly , to the finishing line and crossed it . The crowd were ecstatic and cheered and waved at the boy . The wise man smiled , gently nodding his head . The little boy felt proud and important . " Old man , I understand not ! Who are the crowd cheering for ? Which one of us three ? " , asked the little boy . The wise old man looked into the little boy 's eyes , placing his hands on the boy 's shoulders , and replied softly . . " Little boy , for this race you have won much more than in any race you have ever ran before , and for this race the crowd cheer not for any winner ! " As a man was passing the elephants , he suddenly stopped , confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg . No chains , no cages . It was obvious that the elephants could , at anytime , break away from their bonds but for some reason , they did not . He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away . " Well , " trainer said , " when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and , at that age , it 's enough to hold them . As they grow up , they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away . They believe the rope can still hold them , so they never try to break free . " The man was amazed . These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn 't , they were stuck right where they were . Like the elephants , how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something , simply because we failed at it once before ? Failure is part of learning ; we should never give up the struggle in life . Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mount Everest . On May 29 , 1953 he scaled the highest mountain then known to man - 29 , 000 feet straight up . He was knighted for his efforts . Hillary walked on stage to a thunderous applause . The audience was recognizing an attempt at greatness , but Edmund Hillary saw himself as a failure . He moved away from the microphone and walked to the edge of the platform . Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate . He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say . When someone would ask him how he was doing , he would reply , " If I were any better , I would be twins ! " He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant . The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude . He was a natural motivator . If an employee was having a bad day , Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation . Seeing this style really made me curious , so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him , " I don 't get it ! You can 't be a positive person all of the time . How do you do it ? " Jerry replied , " Each morning I wake up and say to myself , Jerry , you have two choices today . You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood . ' I choose to be in a good mood . Each time something bad happens , I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it . I choose to learn from it . Every time someone comes to me complaining , I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life . I choose the positive side of life . " " Yeah , right , it 's not that easy , " I protested . " Yes it is , " Jerry said . " Life is all about choices . When you cut away all the junk , every situation is a choice . You choose how you react to situations . You choose how people will affect your mood . You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood . The bottom line : It 's your choice how you live life . " I reflected on what Jerry said . Soon thereafter , I left the restaurant industry to start my own business . We lost touch , but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it . Several years later , I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business : he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers . While trying to open the safe , his hand , shaking froPosted by On the best sunny day , the most powerful magnifying glass will not light paper if you keep moving the glass . But if you focus and hold it , the paper will light up . That is the power of concentration . A man was traveling and stopped at an intersection . He asked an elderly man , " Where does this road take me ? " The elderly person asked , " Where do you want to go ? " The man replied , " I don 't know . " The elderly person said , " Then take any road . What difference does it make ? " How true . When we don 't know where we are going , any road will take us there . Suppose you have all the football eleven players , enthusiastically ready to play the game , all charged up , and then someone took the goal post away . What would happen to the game ? There is nothing left . How do you keep score ? How do you know you have arrived ? Enthusiasm without direction is like wildfire and leads to frustration . Goals give a sense of direction . Would you sit in a train or a plane without knowing where it was going ? The obvious answer is no . Then why do people go through life without having any goals ? " Can I see my baby ? " the happy new mother asked . When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face , she gasped . The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window . The baby had been born without ears . Time proved that the baby 's hearing was perfect . It was only his appearance that was marred . When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother 's arms , she sighed , knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks . He blurted out the tragedy . " A boy , a big boy … called me a freak . " He grew up , handsome for his misfortune . A favorite with his fellow students , he might have been class president , but for that . He developed a gift , a talent for literature and music . " But you might mingle with other young people , " his mother reproved him , but felt a kindness in her heart . The boy 's father had a session with the family physician . Could nothing be done ? " I believe I could graft on a pair of outer ears , if they could be procured , " the doctor decided . Whereupon the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man . Two years went by . Then , " You are going to the hospital , Son . Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need . But it 's a secret , " said the father . The operation was a brilliant success , and a new person emerged . His talents blossomed into genius , and school and college became a series of triumphs . Later he married and entered the diplomatic service . " But I must know ! " He urged his father , " Who gave so much for me ? I could never do enough for him . " " I do not believe you could , " said the father , " but the agreement was that you are not to know … not yet . " The years kept their profound secret , but the day did come … one of the darkest days that a son must endure . He stood with his father over his mother 's casket . Slowly , tenderly , the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick , reddish - brown hair to reveal that the mother had no outPosted by There once was a little boy who had a bad temper . His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper , he must hammer a nail into the fence . The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence . Over the next few weeks as he learned to control his anger , the number of nails hammered daily , gradually dwindled down . He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence . Finally the day came when the boy didn 't lose his temper at all . He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper . The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone . The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence . He said " you have done well , my son , but look at the holes in the fence . The fence will never be the same . When you say things in anger , they leave a scar just like this one . " You can put a knife in a man and draw it out . It won 't matter how many times you say I 'm sorry , the wound is still there . Make sure you control your temper the next time you are tempted to say something you will regret later . Ford Motor Company , a global automotive industry leader based in Dearborn , Michigan , manufactures or distributes automobiles across six continents . With about 166 , 000 employees and about 70 plants worldwide , the company 's automotive brands include Ford , Lincoln . The company provides financial services through Ford Motor Credit Company . For more information regarding Ford 's products , please visit www . ford . com Ford Technology Services India ( FTSI ) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Ford Motor Company . With about 7000 employees in Ford IT globally and about 3000 employees in India , FTSI provides critical Information Technology , Engineering , Infrastructure Solutions & Services to support Ford operations worldwide . FTSI is located in hi - tech RMZ facility in Chennai , India . It is one of the three major IT application development centres of Ford Motor Company , the others located in North America and Europe . Note : This is NOT a direct Walk - In . You need to apply only at given URL & Only shortlisted candidates will be called for test / interview . Job Position : Trainee - Software Engineer " True friends never leave each other , even if one of them is walking on the wrong path of life . A true friend will try to correct the other in a way that it does not hurt the ego of the other friend . Friends don 't mind when mistakes are pointed out ; rather they try to accept it and change themselves for the better . True friends are those , who inspire others to become a better person in life " Two girls were best of friends , since their childhood . When they were small kids , they used to go to school together , play together and sometimes even stay at each other 's places . They were next door neighbors and thus their parents were friends as well . The best friends graduated from school and went to pursue higher studies in the same college . Everyone knew that the girls were the best of friends . Nothing was hidden between the duo , because both knew each other inside out . After some days , one of the friends found the other behaving in a very strange manner . She would remain withdrawn , sleep too much and turn violent , very often . At first , the other friend thought it was just the studies getting on to her . However , with time , she became even more moody and frustrated . Finally , her friend couldn 't take it any longer and confronted her with the problem . She broke down into tears and confessed that she was going around with a guy , who was taking drugs and forced her to take them too . The girl was not only forced to take drugs , but was also forced to bring money every now and then and was threatened with dire consequences , if she revealed the matter to anyone , even her best friend . Shocked by her story , the other friend consoled her . She then thought of a way to help her . Finally , she thought that she would come up straight to the point and tell her to leave this guy and get out of all the mess . She contacted the college counselor , who was a psychologist and narrated all the problem to her . She offered to help and said that matter would be kept under wraps . The girl was then advised by her friend to leave this guy , as he was torturing her unnecessarily . Her friend reminded her of her dreams of becoming a successful professional , inspired her to set an example for others and reminded of what her parents would feel , if they found out what their daughter was up to . After a lot of persuasion , the girl finally agreed to leave him . She was given basic counseling and was weaned off drugs , with time . All this while , her franjithmca Once upon a time there lived two great friends in a hamlet near Jaipur . Jay and Vijay had been friends since their childhood . Now they were studying in a college , which was at far distance from their place . In the way they had to cross a river , pass hills and sandy area too . They used to go to college together . Their friendship was famous in college . One rainy day the two friends set out for college as usual . They were chatting while walking . Perhaps they were discussing some point of atomic theory which was taught on previous day . The two had different opinions . There began heated arguments . This was followed by abusive language by both sides . Things got so bad that in a fit of anger Jay slapped Vijay . Shell shocked Vijay stared at his friend and wrote on sand that " today my best friend slapped me . " Both resumed their walk but now they were silent . Meanwhile they reached the river which was overflowing today . Vijay was not a good swimmer . He stepped into the river but … began to drown and flow with force of water in the direction of the flood . Jay saw this and without thinking for a second jumped into the river . With difficulty he could drag Vijay out of the river . He helped Vijay restore his normal breath . When Vijay became normal , he wrote on a hill that " today my best friend saved my life . " Jay who was observing all this could not help asking " why did you write it on sand when I slapped you and why are you writing on the hill when I 've saved your life ? " Vijay replied that " we should soon forget wrong done by our friends and dear ones as writing on sand gets erased in no time , but if they do something good for us we should always remember their kindness just as writing on stones is for ever . " Saying this Vijay hugged his friends and two wend to college as if nothing had happened . Posted by Old Man : One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me . Then as a courtsey , I will offer you a cup of tea . After my courteous approach you will try to come again . This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it . ? Once upon a time three sons were engaged in merchantile business under the supervision of their father . They were very rich . Each son was proficient in his own department . As a result three of them became each other � s competitors . With the passage of time , they started having huge losses in their respective businesses . They tried all possible ways to succeed but the situation became worse . Then they came to their father for a piece of advice . The father said � when you all were doing the business jointly , the business ran successfully . But it was not any one of you responsible for the success of the business rather traits of all three of you put together made the business successful � . The sons realized their mistake & got reunited . So we conclude that disunity always ruins . Posted by A mother who had lost her only son went to the man of religion in her village and said : " Is there anything you can give me to reduce the pain that I feel ? " " Yes , " he said . " There is a wonderful thing you can do . I want you to go and get me a mustard seed from a home that has no problems . Such a mustard seed can ward off all problems . When you find it , bring it to me and I will use it to relieve your pain . " So the mother started out and came to a big mansion . Nothing could possibly be wrong here ! She knocked on the door , told what she was looking for , and they answered , " You 've come to the wrong house . " And then they told her all their problems . As she was listening to their problems , she thought , " I know something about problems . . . Maybe I can help these people with theirs . " So she listened to them ; and this helped people . She kept on searching for her magic mustard seed . But no matter where she went , she could not find that seed . Everyone everywhere had some kind of troubles . Many years ago there lived a very old man . Before his house stood two tall mountains that kept out the sunlight . He was not happy about this and so he sat down with his sons and all made a solemn promise that they would hack back away those two mountains A neighbor saw them go out with their hoes and shook his head . " How stupid can you get ? " he screamed . " It 's absolutely impossible for you to carry away those mighty mountains . " The old man only smiled and said : " Well , when I die , my sons will carry on the work . And when they die , my grandsons will continue it . Yes , the mountains are high but they won 't get any higher . But our strength can still grow . With every shovel full of earth that we carry away , we come closer to our goal . " " It is better to do something than just sit around and complain that those mountains keep out the sunlight . " With complete conviction the old man kept right on digging . God saw it and was moved to send two angles to earth . They lifted the two mountains onto their shoulders , and carried them off . A little boy came running excitedly to his mother saying : " Mom , there is a boy out there in the woods who is mocking me . Everything I say he says after me . If I say : " Hello , " he says : " Hello . " When I say " Who are you ? " he says : " Who are you ? " " So I got mad and jumped over the fence and went into the woods to find him . But he wasn 't anywhere . So I yelled , " I 'll punch you in the nose . " And he said the very same thing , exactly as I had said it . " The boy 's mother told him , " That is only an echo answering you Billy . If you had said : ' I love you , ' it would have said the same to you . " There is a similar story about a dog who went into a room full of mirrors . He eventually died of exhaustion trying to fight his mirrored ' enemies . ' If he had only wagged his tail once , he would have had all of them wagging their tails in friendship . January has 31 days . It means that every date in February will be 3 days later than the same date in January ( 28 is 4 weeks exactly ) . The below table is calculated in such a way . Remember this table which will help you to calculate . January 0 February 3 March 3 April 6 May 1 June 4 July 6 August 2 September 5 October 0 November 3 December 5 Step1 : Ask for the Date . Ex : 23rd June 1986 We will call only shortlisted and pre - screened candidates ( No walk INS ) . The written test will be conducted in Hyderabad / Bangalore . Only candidates with call letters will be permitted ! Please contact the recruitment team for further information . Maggie wasn 't rich like a millionaire or poor in a manner of being homeless . She was living an average comfortable life . It was made even better when a beautiful baby girl came her way . She and her husband made sure their daughter had her needs met and they were still able to take a yearly vacation by the beach . Maggie was a partner in her husband 's business . They both had a different set of duties which kept everything in balance . One day a devastating blow came to her husband 's business , and over a three year period the business dropped out of site . Her husband had to totally reinvent himself and was yearning to fulfill a dream with a new vocation . She was happy for him and supported him fully , but still the money was not coming in . Maggie began to feel guilty that she wasn 't contributing with any kind of income . It had been a long time since she had worked outside the home and had to work for someone else . Needless to say she was scared but still had faith that everything would be okay . She began job hunting and found filling out applications somewhat difficult , especially the part asking for job references . Keep in mind that she was self - employed with her husband for almost 20 years . It felt as though that didn 't count for anything as she was never called for an interview . At the time she was job hunting her mom became more ill than she had been and ended up in the hospital for a week . Once Maggie 's mom returned home she became her mom 's helper one day a week . She did the shopping , changed sheets , vacuumed and did other things that her mother was not able to do anymore . Of course her mom would pay her for her time and labor but she still felt she needed to find another source of income . One of the first applications she had filled out finally came through . She passed the interview with flying colors and was told she was " exactly " what they were looking for . Although it was only part time it was exactly what she wanted . It was important for her to be home when her daughter arrived home from school . She was told they would be in touch when the schedule was ready . Knowing she had the job made her feel contented and productive again . Within a few weeks though , she received an e - mail saying that the company had changed the job into a full time position and she was not qualified . Maggie was devastated . She felt betrayed and felt she had been lied to . That evening she was alone as her husband and daughter had gone out for the night . She welcomed the aloneness and wanted to drown her sorrows in a hot tub of bubbles . As she knew she would , she began to cry , softly at first just from the sheer pain of being rejected . Three long years of struggle had finally caught up with her . Then she became angry ; angry at everything from the circumstances that got her there , to God himself . She cried harder and yelled , " What do you want me to do ? " She really felt that God had abandoned her . Now , even though she 's not a CEO of a major company or a power player she feels happy and productive again . So , had God really abandoned her ? Let 's look at nature for the lessons and the answer . Before a butterfly can emerge out of it 's chrysalis it has to go through a lot of struggling . Yes , struggling . Each time it lunges out to escape , acids are being removed from its wings . If someone were to come along and break the chrysalis open for it then the butterfly would die from those acids . In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive . Then in the stillness , when the struggle is over , the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world . We as humans are not any different . There are times that we need to struggle , to rid ourselves of the acids that make up sadness , fear , and anger . It is only at this time when we are exhausted and still that we begin to hear the Universe whisper to us . One of my fondest memories as a child is going by the river and sitting idly on the bank . There I would enjoy the peace and quiet , watch the water rush downstream , and listen to the chirps of birds and the rustling of leaves in the trees . I would also watch the bamboo trees bend under pressure from the wind and watch them return gracefully to their upright or original position after the wind had died down . When I think about the bamboo tree 's ability to bounce back or return to it 's original position , the word resilience comes to mind . When used in reference to a person this word means the ability to readily recover from shock , depression or any other situation that stretches the limits of a person 's emotions . Have you ever felt like you are about to snap ? Have you ever felt like you are at your breaking point ? Thankfully , you have survived the experience to live to talk about it . During the experience you probably felt a mix of emotions that threatened your health . You felt emotionally drained , mentally exhausted and you most likely endured unpleasant physical symptoms . Life is a mixture of good times and bad times , happy moments and unhappy moments . The next time you are experiencing one of those bad times or unhappy moments that take you close to your breaking point , bend but don 't break . Try your best not to let the situation get the best of you . A measure of hope will take you through the unpleasant ordeal . With hope for a better tomorrow or a better situation , things may not be as bad as they seem to be . The unpleasant ordeal may be easier to deal with if the end result is worth having . If the going gets tough and you are at your breaking point , show resilience . Like the bamboo tree , bend , but don 't break ! A little boy asked his mother , " Why are you crying ? " " Because I 'm a woman " , she told him . " I don 't understand " , he said . His mum just hugged him and said , " And you never will " . . Later the little boy asked his father , " Why does mother seem to cry for no reason ? " " All women cry for no reason " was all his dad could say . The little boy grew up and became a man , still wondering why women cry . Finally he put in a call to God ; when God got on the phone , the man said , " God , why women cry so easily ? " God said , " When I made women she had to be special . I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world ; yet , gentle enough to give comfort . I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times come from her children . I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining . I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances , even when her child has hurt them very badly . This same sensitivity helps her make a child 's boo hoo feel better and shares in their teenagers ' anxieties and fears . . I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart . I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife , but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly . And finally I gave her a tear to shed . This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed . The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears , the figure that she carries , or the way she combs her hair . The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes , because that is the doorway to her heart , the place where love resides . " " Every woman is beautiful . " Don 't go for looks ; they can deceive . Don 't go for wealth ; even that fades away . Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright . Find the one that makes your heart smile . There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real ! Dream what you want to dream ; go where you want to go ; be what you want to be , because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do . There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren 't the way you had hoped they would be . That 's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better . There are times when people disappoint you and let you down . But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions , to keep your life focused on believing in yourself . There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life , and it is up to you to accept them . Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you . It may not be easy at times , but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are . So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities , remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be . Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you . Keep Believing in Yourself Posted by In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully . In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus . In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn 't have to be stuck do - si - do - ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan . If you love someone , tell them . Remember always to say what you mean . Never be afraid to express yourself . Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you . Seize the day and have no regrets . Most importantly , stay close to your friends and family , for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it 's all about anyway . Pass this along to your friends . Let it make a difference in your day and theirs . There is a difference between being an acquaintance and being a friend . An acquaintance is someone whose name you know , who you see every now and then , who you probably have something in common with and who you feel comfortable around . It 's a person that you can invite to your home and share things with . But they are people who you don 't share your life with , whose actions sometimes you don 't understand because you don 't know enough about them . On the other hand , a friend is someone you love . Not that you are " in love " with them , but you care about them and you think about them when they are not there . The people you are reminded of when you see something they might like , and you know this because you know them so well . They are the people whose pictures you have and whose faces are in your head regardless . Friends are the people you feel safe around because you know they care about you . They call just to see how you are doing , because a friend doesn 't need an excuse . They tell you the truth , the first time , and you do the same . You know that if you have a problem , they are there to listen . Friends are the people who won 't laugh at you or hurt you , and if they do hurt you they try hard to make it up to you . They are the people you love , regardless of whether you realize it . Friends are the people you cried with when you got rejected from colleges and during the last song at the prom and at graduation . They are the people that when you hug them , you don 't think about how long to hug and who 's going to be the first one to let go . Maybe they are the people that hold the rings at your wedding , or maybe they are the people who give you away at your wedding , or maybe they are the people you marry . Maybe they are the people who cry at your wedding because they are happy or because they are proud . They are the people who stop you from making mistakes and help you when you do . They are are the people whose hand you can hold , or you can hug or give them a kiss and not have it be awkward because they understand the things yPosted by What happened ? The lizard has survived in such position for 10 years ! ? ! ! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving , it is impossible and mind boggling . Then he wondered , how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step - since its feet was nailed ! So , he stopped his work and observed the lizard , what has it been doing and what has it been eating ? Later , don 't know from where appears another lizard , with food in its mouth . . . AHHH ! Such a love , such a beautiful love ! ! Such love happened even on this tiny creature . What can love do ? It can do wonders ! ! Love can do miracles ! ! I am touched when I heard this story . And started wondering the relationship between them : family , friends , lovers , brothers , sisters . . . . . . As the technology advances , our access to information become faster and faster . But the distance between human beings , was it getting closer as well ? NEVER ABANDON YOUR LOVED ONES . Posted by I find what I look for in people . If I look for God , I find God . If I look for bad qualities , I find them . I , in a sense , select what I expect , and I receive it . A life without challenges would be like going to school without lessons to learn . Challenges come not to depress or get me down , but to master and to grow and to unfold thereby . A rich , full life is not determined by outer circumstances and relationships . These can be contributory to it , but cannot be the source . I am happy or unhappy because of what I think and feel . They say that once upon a time , there lived a man who wanted to achieve everything he was capable of achieving . He was obsessed with this desire . He ate , slept , and walked with one and only dream : to die , having accomplished every single thing he was able to accomplish . There were so many things he could do . He felt like the whole world could be his , if he only set his mind to it . At times , he was even horrified by the powers hiding in his mind and heart . He was certain - in fact - he knew that his potential had no limits . He knew that he could accumulate power that would dwarf the power of ancient kings ; he knew that he could write books that would shake the minds of generations to come ; he knew that he could invent things that would forever change the lives of millions of people . He lived , constantly feeling the power within - and that power knew no bounds . There was only one obstacle : having such a potential , but only one life , he had to make a choice . He had to decide where to apply all of his enormous abilities . Making that decision was extremely hard , for any choice meant cutting off some future achievements . And so in the meantime , he went to school , graduated , found a respectable well - paid job , married , and bred children . And he spent every minute of his spare time trying to decide where he should apply all his might . Even though he was not interested in applying it to his work , his power was impossible to hide . He was successful in everything he touched , and he earned great respect of the people who worked with him . And all the while , he thought to himself : Imagine what I would achieve once I concentrate entirely on the area of my choice . Time went by , and he grew older . Some roads he used to dream about became closed to him . But there was still so much he could accomplish . And he kept thinking hard while working , raising children , dealing with everyday problems , and knowing that his potential had no limits . And most people who knew him were of the same opinion , for it was impossible not to realize this , being around him for a while . One day , a sudden chest pain made him come home early . He dragged his feet to the bathroom . There , feeling weak and empty , he looked in the mirror . A worn - out , gray - haired man stared back at him . But his eyes , though red and tired , were still full of unrealized potential . He peered into these eyes and , all of a sudden , realized one simple truth . The next moment , the pain pierced his heart again , and it stopped beating forever . Everybody cried , even those who knew him only slightly . The pain of this loss was staggering . Not only had he been a good man but they also knew what great potential had died with him . True , he had spent his life trying to make the choice , but imagine what would 've happened had he made it . After all , he was so close to making it , and he hadn 't been that old . He could not have had this feeling of unlimited potential for nothing . His potential was truly unlimited . The choice was about to be made , and very soon he could have achieved anything . His life could have become a shining monument , which would have forever inspired future generations . What a loss ! What a tragedy ! They cried and cried and cried . And they didn 't know what he had realized the moment before he died . The truth that came upon him was rather simple . People only flatter themselves by thinking that they could have achieved this or that if not for such - and - such circumstances . Yet this is nothing but delusion . At any given moment , as long as you 've been healthy and haven 't been thrown into the midst of war , crime or forces of nature , you always achieve everything you can . You simply lack something that is necessary for achieving that goal you 've never reached - a talent , a skill , willpower , a set of priorities , or something else . Like it or not , realize it or not , believe it or not , but you simply lack it . You just think you 've got what it takes , and only these insurmountable difficulties have prevented you from reaching the ultimate heights . But in reality , what you don 't achieve is something you 're not capable of achieving . Posted by Once upon a time there were two incredibly intelligent and capable boys . Their wonderful talents were obvious from an early age , and they easily outdid everyone around . They had always known they were special , and they harboured inside them a desire that , in the future , everyone would come to admit how exceptional they were . Each of them developed in a different way . The first used all his talent and intelligence to have a successful career and show everyone his superiority . He took part in all kinds of competitions , visited all the most important people and places , and was great at making friends in high places . Even when still very young , no one doubted that some day he would be the wisest and most important person in the land . The second boy , equally aware of his own capabilities , never stopped feeling a heavy responsibility . He would do almost any task better than those around him , and he would feel obliged to help them . This didn 't leave him enough time to follow his own dreams of greatness . He was always busy looking for ways to more effectively help others . As a result , he was a much - loved and well - known person , but only in his own small circle . Destiny was such that a great disaster struck that land , spreading problems and misery far and wide . The first of those brilliant young men had never come across anything like this , but his brilliant ideas worked successfully throughout the land , and they managed to slightly improve the situation . But the second young man was so used to solving all kinds of problems , and had such useful know - how in certain subjects , that the disaster hardly affected the people in his region at all . His admirable methods were then adopted across the land , and the fame of this good and wise man spread even more than had that of the first young man . Indeed , he was soon elected governor of the whole nation . While he was growing up , Longhands ' good nature meant that he worried terribly that some day his real pirate personality would suddenly emerge , and send him down the path of robbing , raiding , and pillaging . Every morning , when he woke up , he looked in the mirror to see if the horrible transformation had yet occurred . But every morning he had the same pleasant sort of face he had had the day before . " It 's just that he 's a good pirate , " they would say . And they would have kept saying it even if Longhands had studied medicine and dedicated his life to caring for the sick . However , Longhands was still worried about turning into a pirate , and he continued consulting the mirror each morning . In a land far away , once upon a time there was great poverty : only the rich could manage without great problems . Three of those rich men , and their servants , were traveling on the same road , in a convoy , when they came to a very poor village . Seeing this poverty provoked different reactions in all three rich men . The second rich man , seeing the desperate situation , stopped for a short time , and gave the villagers all his food and drink , since he could see that money would be of little use to them . He made sure that each villager received their fair share and would have enough food to last for some time . Then , he left . The third rich man , on seeing such poverty , speeded up and traveled straight through the village without stopping . The two other rich men saw this from a distance , and commented with each other how the third rich man lacked decency and compassion . It was good that they had been there to help the poor villagers . . . However , three days later , they met the third rich man who was traveling in the opposite direction . He was still traveling quickly , but his wagons , instead of the gold and valuables they had been carrying , were now full of farming implements , tools , and sacks of seeds and grain . He was heading to the poor village to help them out of poverty . This happened a long , long time ago , but we can see the very same thing happening today too . There are some generous people who give only so that people can see how much they are giving . They don 't want to know anything about the people they are giving to . But there are other generous people : the best kind . To them it doesn 't matter what the other kinds of generous people think of them . Nor do they give in a showy way . Instead , they truly worry about how best to improve the lives of those they are helping . They give greatly of something much more valuable than money . They give their time , their vision and their lives . There was once a boy who liked nothing more in the world than to win . He loved winning at whatever it may be : football , cards , video games . . . everything . And because he couldn 't stand losing , he had become an expert in all kinds of tricks and cheating . He could play tricks in practically every situation , without being noticed ; even in video games or playing alone . He could win without ever being caught . He won so many times that everyone saw him as the champion . It meant that almost no one wanted to play with him , he was just too far ahead of everyone . One person who did play with him was a poor boy , who was a bit younger . The champion really enjoyed himself at the poor boy 's expense , always making the boy look ridiculous . But the champion ended up getting bored with all this . He needed something more , so he decided to apply for the national video games championship , where he would find some competitors worthy of himself . At the championship he was keen to show his skills but , when he tried using all those tricks and cheats he knew from a thousand different games , well . . . none of them worked . The competition judges had prevented any of the tricks from working . He felt terribly embarrassed : he was a good player , but without his cheats , he couldn 't beat a single competitor . He was soon eliminated , and sat there , sad and pensive . Finally , they announced the name of the tournament champion . It was the poor boy from home . The one he had always beaten ! Our boy realised that the poor boy had been much cleverer than himself . It hadn 't mattered to the poor boy if he lost and got a good beating , because what he was really doing was learning from each of his defeats . And from so much learning he had been transformed into a real master . The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said , " Oh , Daddy , it is not empty . I blew kisses into the box . All for you , Daddy . "
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Ms . Daley didn 't immediately respond to him . She was studying him , deciding , strategizing . " Fine , I 'll teach you , " she conceded . " And you better not refuse that , or your out of this house in a moment . Do you understand me ? " She grabbed his chin with her hand , and she pointed his face directly at hers as she spoke . Rowan nodded , and she let go of him . She smiled and licked her lips after this as a thought crossed her mind . " Now take off your clothes , " she said . Their interlude on the floor did not end until Ms . Daley decided she was sufficiently satisfied and Rowan had learned enough of his lessons for the day . They dressed , and she continued on the tour , making no mention of their brief interruption , though Ms . Daley seemed to be traipsing on the air as she walked . She smiled broadly , and her face shone . All of that imperiousness was gone as she took him to the tennis court and through the gardens and walked him on some of the paths in the woods in front of the house . She was kind , deferential , even a little bit flirtatious . She had transformed from the overbearing mistress to a young school girl trying desperately to be charming to boy she had a crush on . This Ms . Daley Rowan liked . When they came around to the back of the house . Rowan wanted her to take him through the woods back there , and he asked her , " Can you show me what 's back here ? I saw a pond with a boathouse and a well . " There was something of a shocked look on her face . Her air of imperiousness returned in an instant , and she said , " You are not to go into these woods . They are off limits . The others should 've told you . " Realizing she 'd reacted too strongly , Ms . Daley tempered her response and said , " They don 't belong to me , at least no further than about 50 feet from the house . They belong to a neighbor of mine , and he doesn 't like college students tramping around through them . You see he likes to go out hunting , and there was an incident several years ago when a pair of Scholars got drunk and went out there one afternoon , and he almost shot them . He was extremely irate . So , you see , it 's in consideration of your safety that I say this . And there 's nothing of interest out there anyways . Besides the lake and the well , it 's just trees . The well is all dried up , and that tiny lake is artificial . My neighbor uses it for fishing . There , you know everything you need to know . Come now , let 's head inside for lunch . " In the early evening , Sophie was called away from the house to pick someone else up . She left alone , without Ms . Daley , and didn 't return for several hours . When she came back into the house with her charge , there stood Timothy , sharply dressed and smiling . He looked around the house , smelled deeply of the air , and announced , " Man , it 's good to be home . " The Daley Scholars had been lined up in the entryway to greet him , the four men on one side and the four women along the other . He shook each of their hands and was introduced to all of them in turn . He was practiced at being introduced to and meeting new people . Each time a new name was given , the engines in his brain started to life , crafting some mnemonic to permanently stamp the name upon the brain , such that by the end , he had memorized , the names , class years , and majors of all eight of the Daley Scholars . Only then did his mother appear , walking slowly down the stairs and examining him from a distance . He smiled to his mother , to all appearances pleased to see her . She said to him , " You have grown even more handsome . I see you 've taken care of yourself . I am glad to see you healthy . I understand you received a clean bill of health , so that is a comforting thought . " Rowan saw her face while she hugged him , and she seemed scared and a little sad . She squeezed her face tight for a moment while she embraced and her face was invisible to him . But she had a matronly smile on her face when they let go of each other , and she told him , " Welcome back . This calls for a feast . " Posted on October 24 , 2014 by admin Reply After breakfast , Rowan was once again summoned by Ms . Daley . As Sophie led him through the halls to her bedroom , his chest was heavy with anticipation . She was seated on a balcony just outside her bedroom , casually attired and reading a novel . It appeared , by its cover , to be a romance novel of the bodice - ripper variety set in Victorian times . She sat in the sunshine while she read , but a large - brimmed hat kept her face in the shadows . However , Ms . Daley simply extended a hand and said , " We weren 't properly introduced last night . I am Ms . Sara Daley , née Aglio . And you are Mr . Rowan Harding , if I am not mistaken . It is a pleasure to meet you . " " You must think me a terrible host . My behavior last night was unconscionable . I was so tired that I , unfortunately , did not pay proper heed to the niceties and formalities of hospitality . It is customary for new guests to be shown around the estate , and I will do that promptly . Do you have any objections ? " " You 're not a man of many words , " she said , chuckling slightly to herself . " Follow me . And yes , that is an order . " When she asked where he was from , Rowan explained , " I 'm from Virginia . " She was surprised by his lack of accent , and he said , " I 'm really from DC . My mom lives in Lorton , which is a suburb . There 's a world of difference between there and Richmond . " She asked about his mother , and he said , " She works for the Feds in the HHS as some mid - level bureaucrat in the Global Affairs office . My dad lives in Charlottesville and works at UVA . I don 't see him much . " " A respectable profession , " she said . " My father had a similar role . He was superintendent at an apartment building . A large and rather upscale one . It gave us a place to stay and a respectable address . It was also a great place to study the wealthy , to see how they acted , dressed , talked , moved . I don 't think I 'd be where I am today , if it weren 't for my father 's job . But here I am monopolizing the conversation . " " Wow , this is perfect , " he said . " Can I use this in the morning ? " She nodded , and he added , " Early in the morning ? Like 5 : 30 ? " " You deprive me of the opportunity of watching you exercise , " she said . " That is to say , I exercise too , and it 's nice to have company . But of course , you can use it whenever . I may even drag myself out of bed to join at that ungodly hour . " She deliberately misunderstood his questions and said , " I can make sure that you I do have some privacy when we 're down here . " She reached out and touched his cheek while she said this , staring into his eyes . Rowan did not reciprocate , lowering his eyes and only sporadically looking back at her . Her actions made him uncomfortable . She then added , " That reminds me . There 's something I 've been meaning to tell you . You 're a terrible lover . It 's excusable due to your inexperience , but you 'll need practice . Tell Sophie to take care of you . She 's the best of them . " Rowan sat on his bed throughout the morning , reading for class . He would occasionally look up from his textbook to watch the activity . He noticed that the others seemed to be looking at him , examining him . Everybody knew what had happened to him the night before - that is , what had been done to him - and they expected to see something of it written on his face . But Rowan was not that type of person , and so far as they could see , he was calm and emotionless . She smiled but didn 't say anything . She was wanting to speak but hesitated . She finally said , " Rowan , I wanted to ask you something . " " Go ahead . " She took that as a yes and continued , " I just wanted to ask because I remember when I lost my virginity . It was to a boy that , at the time , I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with . So , the next the morning I was just really excited and happy and felt so good . But the thing is that I really wanted to tell someone , but I couldn 't . I couldn 't tell my parents because they 'd just punish me and never let me see the boy again . I couldn 't tell my brother because it was my brother . I couldn 't even tell my friends because I don 't think they really approved and I didn 't want to be judged . And there was no one else I could tell . So , it really dampened the mood . I would 've been so much happier if I could tell someone . It 'd be even better if I could tell everyone I knew , even strangers on the street , and have them all feel happy for me , but alas that 's not the world we live in . The point is , if you want to tell someone , you can tell me . In fact , all the girls know , and if you 're happy about it , they 'll be happy with you too . I know you don 't know us well , but really this isn 't something you have to keep bottled up . And no one 's going to judge you and be like , ' Oh my God ! He didn 't lose his virginity until eighteen ! ' Because that 's perfectly fine . I was almost eighteen . The girls and I were just talking about it . Aimee was nineteen . Tanya and Sophie were both eighteen . I think eghteen is a good age to do that . So , I think it 's great . In fact , I think we should throw you a party for you . We should celebrate this day . You should mark it on your calendar for posterity : ' Today , for the first time , I knew the body of a woman . ' " " Why ? Because it was with Ms . Daley ? You shouldn 't be ? She 's an amazing lover . A master of the art . I 'm going to get her to teach me everything she knows . Anyways , you should be happy . Heck , I don 't even care if you aren 't happy . We 're all going to be happy for you . " Kaitlin then turned to the rest of the room , and she said , " Everyone , I have an announcement to make . Last night , Rowan lost his virginity . " Posted on October 21 , 2014 by admin Reply Lutrosnjak was a tiny island , less than a half mile in diameter , really no more than a hill sticking out of the sea . It had no beaches , only a steep , rocky shore on all sides . The ground was covered in grass and shrubbery and had nothing taller than a few stunted trees . Timothy had walked every square inch of the island numerous times . How could he not ? He had spent four years on this rock , his own private St . Helena , only smaller - in proportion to his importance . His mother had built a grand villa , complete with all the amenities , including running water and electricity via generator . He had regular visitors , but he wasn 't allowed to leave . The man approaching him was Dr . Gonzalez . He was a pudgy , bald man with dark hair and eyes and deeply tan skin that Timothy could only envy . He was well into his forties and moved with short , hasty steps , taking his hat within his hand as he walked due to the winds from the sea that blew hard across the bare island . Dr . Gonzalez had a comforting , agreeable manner , and he was well regarded for his ability to get even his most introverted and stubborn patients to open up to him . Timothy , however , had been an altogether different challenge for him . " It 's so great to see you , Hector . I see your doing well . That diet looks like it 's really paying off , " Timothy said . " That 's what my wife said . I 'm liking it myself too , " Dr . Gonzalez said as he stepped onto the porch and out of the sun . It was sheltered from the wind , and he had a chance to smooth his thin but disordered hair . " No need , no need at all , " the psychologist said . " I 'm not really here for a proper session . In fact , you already had your last session the day before yesterday , your last session with me that is . " " Your not leaving me , doctor ? No one could ever replace you . This connection you and I have and all the progress we 've made , it 's transformed my life . You 've been like a savior to me . " " You 'll want to continue therapy when you return home , of course . Though you and I have found our way through the most difficult steps , therapy is a life - long process , and I think you will continue to benefit from weekly or even just biweekly sessions for the next few years . I can give you some references . I know a great therapist who teaches at Johns Hopkins , which isn 't too far from where you are . So , I 'll - " As soon as he pulled away , Timothy said , " I 'm sorry . That was too forward of me . We haven 't reached that level of intimacy , but I was just caught up in the moment . " " No apologies necessary . We 've been through a lot together . Right now , you should just go in and pack . I 'll give you a ride back to the mainland , and we can then arrange you a taxi to the airport . " " Yes , thank you , " Timothy said , and he ran inside , walking up to the second floor where his bedroom was . He was quickly changed and packed . He only packed a small carry - on bag , since he knew that everything that belonged to him would be shipped back home for him or he would just buy something new to replace it ( that was always the way it was whenever he travelled ) . Posted on October 19 , 2014 by admin Reply Rowan was the first to rise the next morning . It was time to exercise . He didn 't feel at his best as he rolled out of bed in the dim light of daybreak . The hangover from his previous night 's drinking ached in his head , and he was tired from too little sleep , but it wasn 't enough to prevent him from stepping into shorts , a t - shirt , and sneakers and tiptoeing across the room . He stepped out into the cool air of morning , and in the absence of anywhere else to exercise , he ran . He began by running towards the front of the mansion to find there some open space to stretch his legs . The house was surrounded on all sides by woods , but there was a clearing in the front of the house for the front yard , with a lawn of green grass and careful manicured bushes . He sprinted across this and entered the woods on the far side of the clearing . The ground beneath the trees was littered with dried leaves leaves and branches , but he did discover that there were a random scattering of paths that led through the woods . They appeared to be the type of paths to be formed by the haphazard traffic of many feet exploring the woods throughout the years . They led to some of the highlights of the estate that were hidden in the woods , including a few statues , a gazebo , and a shed . But as he followed the path , it circled around behind the house , extending into the backyard woods , and he followed it . Just as with the front of the house , the paths led to the few manmade artifacts hidden in the woods . First , he was led to a tiny lake , with a small dock and boathouse . The path then turned back towards the Daley mansion intersecting with an old covered well . Rowan slowed down to look at the well . A structure had been built around and over the well , with a peaked roof and brick pillars at each corner . The well was beneath this roof , with its own round wall and a cement floor around it . Suspended above the well was a hand crank to raise the bucket , but the original bucket was nowhere to be seen . His initial interest in the well was simply as a raised ledge to do some box jumps , and he first considered the edge of the well as ideal for this . However , when he looked down the well and saw how deep it was , he realized that the risk of slipping was simply too great . Rowan picked up a stone from the ground to test the depth of the well and dropped it in . He counted the second until he heard the splash . But what he heard wasn 't a splash . The sound was like a hollow cracking , like the stone had struck some twigs or ceramics and snapped them . Rowan looked down the well , but the light did not reach very far , especially at this early hour . Nearly on the other side of the world on the Croatian island of Lutrosnjak , Timothy Daley stepped out of the water . He 'd been taking laps around the island . It was afternoon in the Adriatic , and he climbed up the narrow , rocky shore onto the grassy surface of the island . He walked over to the single building on the island , a grand house in Mediterranean style with its front pointing towards the faintly visible mainland . He stood in his swimsuit , taking in the warmth of the afternoon sun and dripping over the grass while he walked . He picked up a towel that was sitting on the porch in front of the house and looked down a boardwalk that led down the steep edge of the rocky island to a single dock , where a man was pulling in on a motorboat . The man , wearing a summer suit and a brimmed hat stepped out of the boat and saw Timothy . He waved his hand , while Timothy waved back , his eyes placid and without emotion . " I wasn 't laughing at you , just at the situation . It 's so ridiculous , " she said . " There 's nothing to be embarrassed about . All of us were virgins at some point . We were all born that way , and it has to end at some point . I never assumed so with a boy like you . I mean , look at you . You must have had about a hundred girls chasing after you all through high school . If you didn 't notice , then trust me , I can tell you what impure thoughts they were thinking . Surely , you had a girlfriend . I feel bad for your female classmates if you didn 't at least one of them have at you . " " I had a girlfriend , " Rowan said , " Once . She wasn 't ready . I left when I went to college . She went to University of Virginia . I went here . " She sighed . " I 'm not good at these emotional things , and you men can be the most difficult of all when you 're down . So , though I 'm going to regret this when I 'm horny as hell in the morning , you can go back to your bed and bawl yourself to sleep because your cruel mistress made fun of you . " Rowan made no objection and stepped out of bed , still facing away from her . He went into the bathroom and dressed . When he stepped out , he stopped to look at the elegant , naked woman sprawled across her smooth , white sheets , her hands behind her head as she relaxed , a large smile on her face as she watched Rowan with evident pleasure . Ms . Daley burst out into a gigantic laugh . " Clearly I 've made the wrong first impression ! " she said . " Don 't be quick to judge . What they tell you is true . Perhaps I just have a soft spot for you . But don 't think it 'll get you out of your duties this weekend . You 're our new gardener , and gardening you 'll do . Now , unless you 're going to come back and pleasure me , then get out of here so I can play with myself in privacy while I fantasize about you . " She gestured with her hand and then turned away to reach for a drawer in her nightstand . Even after that whole cycle of emotion , Rowan was somewhat reluctant to leave . He did think of returning to her . In the end , he left , walking out of the room and down the hall . He was able to find his way to the dormitory , and when he arrived , he opened the front door quietly . The dark room looked different now , and he couldn 't immediately figure out why . Then he realized it was because there was a huge , white curtain cutting through the room . The curtain surrounded all four of the girls ' beds , giving them something of a sheltered and private place . For a time , as he lay on his back , he thought his emotions had subsided , but then they came flooding forward , he found himself crying . He could only ever cry alone , else he would done it before with Ms . Daley . For the first time since he 'd left for college , he wanted to go home . He wanted to be taken care of by his mother and be back with his girlfriend and be back to the way it all was before . But he hated himself from thinking this , and he slapped himself across the cheek for it , hard enough that it stung . Once wasn 't enough . He did it again , several slaps until he felt the warm burning of his cheeks . At that moment , it was like he 'd woken back up to reality , had come back to his immediate sensations , that he was sitting alone in the dark surrounded by the cool air and sounds of night . He lay down then and settled himself into sleep . Posted on October 15 , 2014 by admin Reply Ms . Daley finished undressing , her gorgeous , naked body standing in front of him , and Rowan kept his hands in place now to hide his erection . She was lean with small breasts and narrow hips . She looked like she worked hard to take care of her body and keep the erosion of age at bay , but it still showed in the texture of her skin , the lines , the cellulite , the stretch marks . She wouldn 't let him remain there covered , and she grabbed him and pulled him into the shower , pushing him beneath the warm stream of water . She started lathering up some soap and covering his body , indulging in the feel of his body . She tried to grab his penis , which Rowan was still trying to cover , but he flinched and tried to move away . When she revealed it and found that it was erect , she smiled . " It 's like being able to read your mind , " she said with a chuckle . " I know who 's thinking dirty thoughts , " she teased . She finished soaping him and then went onto her knees . Without permission or prologue , she took Rowan 's penis into her mouth and began to suck it with expertise and technique . Rowan was not experienced enough to appreciate her skill , and he was too tense and uncomfortable to relax and enjoy it . It was evident that she wasn 't doing this for Rowan 's pleasure . He did not display any pleasure at all . But he didn 't quite want her to stop - his physiology was against him . And she did go on , indulging in the pleasure of the stiffness inside her mouth and its texture and taste and the way it only grew harder the more she touched it . Soon , she was toweling him dry and dragging him to her bed , where she threw him down onto his back . She leapt on top of him , taking him inside of her with a quick movement of her hips while her hands rested on his chest . Her body convulsed with pleasure when he first entered her , like a dead thing shocked back into life , her body now alive and writhing in the pleasure . To her , it felt like a shot of pure heroin injected directly into her veins , and she couldn 't help shouting with pleasure . She lost herself so much in the moment that she didn 't notice Rowan , several minutes later , about to finish . In his inexperience , he didn 't know what to do , such that he ejaculated inside of her . She noticed it but kept on going , determined to take as much as possible out of his pleasure stick until it finally wilted , something , young as he was , it didn 't do quickly . " God , I needed that after a day like today , " she admitted between heavy breaths . She turned to Rowan and added , " Don 't relax too much . I 'm not done with you . I 'm giving you a break . I 'll take my turn again at least once more tonight . Though please don 't come inside me again . I don 't want a baby at my age . One son 's enough for me . I know chances are slim for me , but until my baby - making factory calls it quits , I 'm not going to push my luck . " " You don 't need to apologize , " she said . " I understand that young men are inexperienced . You 'll get the hang of it . You have a lot to learn . It 's obvious . But no one can blame you since the girls you were laying in high school were surely just as inexperienced as you - unless high school girls have gotten a whole lot sluttier since my days . " Rowan looked a little confused by Leo 's words , and as Sophie walked with him arm in arm through the hallways , she whispered very close to his ear in a way that was a sensual , flirtatious even , " You do whatever Ms . Daley tells you . You understand ? " Her breath tickled his skin . Sophie led him up the main stairs and down another hallway to the master bedroom at the end . She left him there , giving him a parting smile as she walked away and holding onto his hand until the last moment , as if she didn 't want to let go . He found her actions rather confusing and followed her with his eyes as she walked away . He walked into the room and he saw Ms . Daley standing in front of a vanity looking at herself in the mirror while she removed a pair of earrings . She was a woman in her late forties . She wore a short , black dress tailored to her body . It was a firm , athletic body , with her strong legs exposed . She had a huge smile on her face as she looked at Rowan through the mirror , her dark eyes looking hungrily at him . Rowan saw the lines of age around her eyes and on her neck , but she still was beautiful , a woman that must have been irresistible when she was younger . She took a necklace off her neck and placed it down on the vanity as she turned to him and said , " Pleased to finally really meet you . I 'm Sara Daley . Can I tell you how handsome you look ? " Ms . Daley walked toward and leaned in to sniff at his neck so abruptly that it made Rowan flinch and almost move away . " No , you 'll have to shower first . Moving must have been quite an exertion . " She led the way to her bathroom . There was a large , deep bathtub in the corner with windows beside it looking out on the forests at night . And beside it was a shower enclosed by three glass walls . Without permission she started to tug at his shirt , pulling it over his head . She smiled when she saw his chest and started undoing his belt . She pulled down his pants and noticing he had shoes , pulled those off too and promptly pulled off his underwear , taking all of his clothes and tossing them to the side . Ms . Daley laughed even harder and said , " I suppose I can 't order you not to be shy . But I can order you to stop trying to hide yourself . How about this ? I 'm sure you 'll feel much more comfortable when I 'm naked too . " Posted on October 12 , 2014 by admin Reply Rowan was led in through a separate back door , which led directly into the kitchen . It was a large kitchen , with long stretches of counter space wrapping around a central island , a gigantic fridge , and numerous appliances . Rowan , still struggling to get his bearings , asked Leo , " Can you give me a tour of the house , so I 'll know my way around ? " Sohpie was the one to respond to this question , " Probably , " she said . " She 's busy , and she might be a little late , but I 'm sure you 'll get a chance to meet her tonight . Lucky you . " When they entered the kitchen , Everyone sat down at a long dinner table except for Robert and Tanya , who both grabbed aprons and put their hair into ponytails . They then proceeded to pull out pans and foods from the fridge and fired up burners on the stove . No one else was making a move to help them , so Rowan stood up and made the magnanimous offer , " Do you want me to help ? " " They 're the cooks , " Leo explained . " We all have our tasks . I do the downstairs cleaning . Sophie 's Ms . Daley 's personal assistant and driver . You 'll take over my gardening duties from last year . In a few years , if you 're a good worker , you may graduate to cook . Robert 's just starting this year as assistant cook " - and leaning into Rowan 's ear and saying in a whisper - " and he 's a bit too proud of that I must say . " The dinner was prepared and served to the group , who all sat down and dug into the food , still calmly chattering between bites . As the dinner neared an end , Sophie 's phone vibrated in her pocket . She pulled it out and looked at it . She typed in a quick reply and then stood from the table . " Your wish has been granted , " she said to Rowan with a devilish smile and a wink . Then she announced to the whole table , " I should be back in under two hours . Make sure Rowan 's ready . I 'm sure Ms . Daley will want to meet him . " " What ? Don 't tell me me no fermented liquid has ever touched your lips . If it 's your first time , then that 's even more reason to celebrate - to celebrate being the ones to get you drunk for the first time . " Three other women were in the room . They had been waiting for Rowan 's arrival . They were introduced as Aimee , Tanya , and Kaitlin . All three were beautiful . Kaitlin was the Freshman among them . She looked the most innocent and vulnerable . She had a long , lanky body and moved like a dancer , with fluid grace . Aimee was a sophomore . Brown , wavy hair was draped over her face , and she looked at Rowan with drooping , sleepy eyes that fixed on him while a small smile brightened up her face . And last of all was Tanya , the junior , fully made - up and smiling with lipsticked lips . Expensive earrings dangled from her ears and her strawberry - blonde hair looked like it had been freshly styled . " This building , as you might guess , was built for us , " Leo told Rowan as he showed him around , " That is , for the first crop of Daley Scholars , like eight or ten years ago . It 's cozy and very congenial . But I hope you aren 't too attached to your privacy , since there is none . Be prepared to have no secrets from the rest of us . " Once Rowan was finished with this tour , he was told the rules by Sophie : " Lights out at 10pm . If you want to stay up any later , you go to the study room . Bathroom 's reserved every morning from 8 : 30 to 9 : 00 exclusive for the women . You need to use it in the morning , you do it before or you wait after . No exceptions . Breakfast is at 9 : 00 , and I leave with the car at 9 : 30 . You want to get to campus at any other time , you find your own way . It 's not too long a walk , so you can manage it if necessary . Lastly , no eating in the bedroom , and no sex anywhere in the dormitory building . Not even masturbating . Not even in the showers - we don 't want your man milk caking the walls of the showers we all use . You want to do anything like that , you find somewhere else . We catch you , you sleep outside for a week ; I don 't care if it 's the middle of winter . In fact , we don 't even want two people sharing the same shower or toilet stall . And I don 't want to hear any complaints . " " Don 't call me ma ' am , " Sophie said . " My name 's Sophie . And one more thing . Those are all the rules for the dormitory , but Ms . Daley has her own rule , which trumps all others : that is , you do whatever Ms . Daley says . Always . No matter what . People who don 't , don 't tend to last long . Is that understood ? " Rowan was allowed some time to unpack , and afterwards they led him out of the dormitory to the house for dinner . As they were walking , Rowan stopped and looked out into the woods . It was growing dark , and the light was beautiful through the trees . The thought of exploring the woods passed through his mind . However , Leo leaned over and , with perfect perceptiveness , as if he could read Rowan 's mind , he said , " The wood 's are off limits . " Rowan gave Leo a surprised and confused look . " They don 't belong to Ms . Daley . Her property ends something like 50 feet from the house , and the neighbor that owns them doesn 't like having college students tramping around through them . Apparently , there were some incidents in the past . Nothing of interest out there anyways . Just trees . " Rowan , however , could not share Leo 's attitude towards the woods . The hidden depths were to his eyes something like indistinct whispers to his ears , sounds that would draw him closer to hear their content and import . He knew for certain that the woods bore secrets - even if of only trivial things - and it made him curious .
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Ms . Daley didn 't immediately respond to him . She was studying him , deciding , strategizing . " Fine , I 'll teach you , " she conceded . " And you better not refuse that , or your out of this house in a moment . Do you understand me ? " She grabbed his chin with her hand , and she pointed his face directly at hers as she spoke . Rowan nodded , and she let go of him . She smiled and licked her lips after this as a thought crossed her mind . " Now take off your clothes , " she said . Their interlude on the floor did not end until Ms . Daley decided she was sufficiently satisfied and Rowan had learned enough of his lessons for the day . They dressed , and she continued on the tour , making no mention of their brief interruption , though Ms . Daley seemed to be traipsing on the air as she walked . She smiled broadly , and her face shone . All of that imperiousness was gone as she took him to the tennis court and through the gardens and walked him on some of the paths in the woods in front of the house . She was kind , deferential , even a little bit flirtatious . She had transformed from the overbearing mistress to a young school girl trying desperately to be charming to boy she had a crush on . This Ms . Daley Rowan liked . When they came around to the back of the house . Rowan wanted her to take him through the woods back there , and he asked her , " Can you show me what 's back here ? I saw a pond with a boathouse and a well . " There was something of a shocked look on her face . Her air of imperiousness returned in an instant , and she said , " You are not to go into these woods . They are off limits . The others should 've told you . " Realizing she 'd reacted too strongly , Ms . Daley tempered her response and said , " They don 't belong to me , at least no further than about 50 feet from the house . They belong to a neighbor of mine , and he doesn 't like college students tramping around through them . You see he likes to go out hunting , and there was an incident several years ago when a pair of Scholars got drunk and went out there one afternoon , and he almost shot them . He was extremely irate . So , you see , it 's in consideration of your safety that I say this . And there 's nothing of interest out there anyways . Besides the lake and the well , it 's just trees . The well is all dried up , and that tiny lake is artificial . My neighbor uses it for fishing . There , you know everything you need to know . Come now , let 's head inside for lunch . " In the early evening , Sophie was called away from the house to pick someone else up . She left alone , without Ms . Daley , and didn 't return for several hours . When she came back into the house with her charge , there stood Timothy , sharply dressed and smiling . He looked around the house , smelled deeply of the air , and announced , " Man , it 's good to be home . " The Daley Scholars had been lined up in the entryway to greet him , the four men on one side and the four women along the other . He shook each of their hands and was introduced to all of them in turn . He was practiced at being introduced to and meeting new people . Each time a new name was given , the engines in his brain started to life , crafting some mnemonic to permanently stamp the name upon the brain , such that by the end , he had memorized , the names , class years , and majors of all eight of the Daley Scholars . Only then did his mother appear , walking slowly down the stairs and examining him from a distance . He smiled to his mother , to all appearances pleased to see her . She said to him , " You have grown even more handsome . I see you 've taken care of yourself . I am glad to see you healthy . I understand you received a clean bill of health , so that is a comforting thought . " Rowan saw her face while she hugged him , and she seemed scared and a little sad . She squeezed her face tight for a moment while she embraced and her face was invisible to him . But she had a matronly smile on her face when they let go of each other , and she told him , " Welcome back . This calls for a feast . " Posted on October 24 , 2014 by admin Reply After breakfast , Rowan was once again summoned by Ms . Daley . As Sophie led him through the halls to her bedroom , his chest was heavy with anticipation . She was seated on a balcony just outside her bedroom , casually attired and reading a novel . It appeared , by its cover , to be a romance novel of the bodice - ripper variety set in Victorian times . She sat in the sunshine while she read , but a large - brimmed hat kept her face in the shadows . However , Ms . Daley simply extended a hand and said , " We weren 't properly introduced last night . I am Ms . Sara Daley , née Aglio . And you are Mr . Rowan Harding , if I am not mistaken . It is a pleasure to meet you . " " You must think me a terrible host . My behavior last night was unconscionable . I was so tired that I , unfortunately , did not pay proper heed to the niceties and formalities of hospitality . It is customary for new guests to be shown around the estate , and I will do that promptly . Do you have any objections ? " " You 're not a man of many words , " she said , chuckling slightly to herself . " Follow me . And yes , that is an order . " When she asked where he was from , Rowan explained , " I 'm from Virginia . " She was surprised by his lack of accent , and he said , " I 'm really from DC . My mom lives in Lorton , which is a suburb . There 's a world of difference between there and Richmond . " She asked about his mother , and he said , " She works for the Feds in the HHS as some mid - level bureaucrat in the Global Affairs office . My dad lives in Charlottesville and works at UVA . I don 't see him much . " " A respectable profession , " she said . " My father had a similar role . He was superintendent at an apartment building . A large and rather upscale one . It gave us a place to stay and a respectable address . It was also a great place to study the wealthy , to see how they acted , dressed , talked , moved . I don 't think I 'd be where I am today , if it weren 't for my father 's job . But here I am monopolizing the conversation . " " Wow , this is perfect , " he said . " Can I use this in the morning ? " She nodded , and he added , " Early in the morning ? Like 5 : 30 ? " " You deprive me of the opportunity of watching you exercise , " she said . " That is to say , I exercise too , and it 's nice to have company . But of course , you can use it whenever . I may even drag myself out of bed to join at that ungodly hour . " She deliberately misunderstood his questions and said , " I can make sure that you I do have some privacy when we 're down here . " She reached out and touched his cheek while she said this , staring into his eyes . Rowan did not reciprocate , lowering his eyes and only sporadically looking back at her . Her actions made him uncomfortable . She then added , " That reminds me . There 's something I 've been meaning to tell you . You 're a terrible lover . It 's excusable due to your inexperience , but you 'll need practice . Tell Sophie to take care of you . She 's the best of them . " Rowan sat on his bed throughout the morning , reading for class . He would occasionally look up from his textbook to watch the activity . He noticed that the others seemed to be looking at him , examining him . Everybody knew what had happened to him the night before - that is , what had been done to him - and they expected to see something of it written on his face . But Rowan was not that type of person , and so far as they could see , he was calm and emotionless . She smiled but didn 't say anything . She was wanting to speak but hesitated . She finally said , " Rowan , I wanted to ask you something . " " Go ahead . " She took that as a yes and continued , " I just wanted to ask because I remember when I lost my virginity . It was to a boy that , at the time , I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with . So , the next the morning I was just really excited and happy and felt so good . But the thing is that I really wanted to tell someone , but I couldn 't . I couldn 't tell my parents because they 'd just punish me and never let me see the boy again . I couldn 't tell my brother because it was my brother . I couldn 't even tell my friends because I don 't think they really approved and I didn 't want to be judged . And there was no one else I could tell . So , it really dampened the mood . I would 've been so much happier if I could tell someone . It 'd be even better if I could tell everyone I knew , even strangers on the street , and have them all feel happy for me , but alas that 's not the world we live in . The point is , if you want to tell someone , you can tell me . In fact , all the girls know , and if you 're happy about it , they 'll be happy with you too . I know you don 't know us well , but really this isn 't something you have to keep bottled up . And no one 's going to judge you and be like , ' Oh my God ! He didn 't lose his virginity until eighteen ! ' Because that 's perfectly fine . I was almost eighteen . The girls and I were just talking about it . Aimee was nineteen . Tanya and Sophie were both eighteen . I think eghteen is a good age to do that . So , I think it 's great . In fact , I think we should throw you a party for you . We should celebrate this day . You should mark it on your calendar for posterity : ' Today , for the first time , I knew the body of a woman . ' " " Why ? Because it was with Ms . Daley ? You shouldn 't be ? She 's an amazing lover . A master of the art . I 'm going to get her to teach me everything she knows . Anyways , you should be happy . Heck , I don 't even care if you aren 't happy . We 're all going to be happy for you . " Kaitlin then turned to the rest of the room , and she said , " Everyone , I have an announcement to make . Last night , Rowan lost his virginity . " Posted on October 21 , 2014 by admin Reply Lutrosnjak was a tiny island , less than a half mile in diameter , really no more than a hill sticking out of the sea . It had no beaches , only a steep , rocky shore on all sides . The ground was covered in grass and shrubbery and had nothing taller than a few stunted trees . Timothy had walked every square inch of the island numerous times . How could he not ? He had spent four years on this rock , his own private St . Helena , only smaller - in proportion to his importance . His mother had built a grand villa , complete with all the amenities , including running water and electricity via generator . He had regular visitors , but he wasn 't allowed to leave . The man approaching him was Dr . Gonzalez . He was a pudgy , bald man with dark hair and eyes and deeply tan skin that Timothy could only envy . He was well into his forties and moved with short , hasty steps , taking his hat within his hand as he walked due to the winds from the sea that blew hard across the bare island . Dr . Gonzalez had a comforting , agreeable manner , and he was well regarded for his ability to get even his most introverted and stubborn patients to open up to him . Timothy , however , had been an altogether different challenge for him . " It 's so great to see you , Hector . I see your doing well . That diet looks like it 's really paying off , " Timothy said . " That 's what my wife said . I 'm liking it myself too , " Dr . Gonzalez said as he stepped onto the porch and out of the sun . It was sheltered from the wind , and he had a chance to smooth his thin but disordered hair . " No need , no need at all , " the psychologist said . " I 'm not really here for a proper session . In fact , you already had your last session the day before yesterday , your last session with me that is . " " Your not leaving me , doctor ? No one could ever replace you . This connection you and I have and all the progress we 've made , it 's transformed my life . You 've been like a savior to me . " " You 'll want to continue therapy when you return home , of course . Though you and I have found our way through the most difficult steps , therapy is a life - long process , and I think you will continue to benefit from weekly or even just biweekly sessions for the next few years . I can give you some references . I know a great therapist who teaches at Johns Hopkins , which isn 't too far from where you are . So , I 'll - " As soon as he pulled away , Timothy said , " I 'm sorry . That was too forward of me . We haven 't reached that level of intimacy , but I was just caught up in the moment . " " No apologies necessary . We 've been through a lot together . Right now , you should just go in and pack . I 'll give you a ride back to the mainland , and we can then arrange you a taxi to the airport . " " Yes , thank you , " Timothy said , and he ran inside , walking up to the second floor where his bedroom was . He was quickly changed and packed . He only packed a small carry - on bag , since he knew that everything that belonged to him would be shipped back home for him or he would just buy something new to replace it ( that was always the way it was whenever he travelled ) . Posted on October 19 , 2014 by admin Reply Rowan was the first to rise the next morning . It was time to exercise . He didn 't feel at his best as he rolled out of bed in the dim light of daybreak . The hangover from his previous night 's drinking ached in his head , and he was tired from too little sleep , but it wasn 't enough to prevent him from stepping into shorts , a t - shirt , and sneakers and tiptoeing across the room . He stepped out into the cool air of morning , and in the absence of anywhere else to exercise , he ran . He began by running towards the front of the mansion to find there some open space to stretch his legs . The house was surrounded on all sides by woods , but there was a clearing in the front of the house for the front yard , with a lawn of green grass and careful manicured bushes . He sprinted across this and entered the woods on the far side of the clearing . The ground beneath the trees was littered with dried leaves leaves and branches , but he did discover that there were a random scattering of paths that led through the woods . They appeared to be the type of paths to be formed by the haphazard traffic of many feet exploring the woods throughout the years . They led to some of the highlights of the estate that were hidden in the woods , including a few statues , a gazebo , and a shed . But as he followed the path , it circled around behind the house , extending into the backyard woods , and he followed it . Just as with the front of the house , the paths led to the few manmade artifacts hidden in the woods . First , he was led to a tiny lake , with a small dock and boathouse . The path then turned back towards the Daley mansion intersecting with an old covered well . Rowan slowed down to look at the well . A structure had been built around and over the well , with a peaked roof and brick pillars at each corner . The well was beneath this roof , with its own round wall and a cement floor around it . Suspended above the well was a hand crank to raise the bucket , but the original bucket was nowhere to be seen . His initial interest in the well was simply as a raised ledge to do some box jumps , and he first considered the edge of the well as ideal for this . However , when he looked down the well and saw how deep it was , he realized that the risk of slipping was simply too great . Rowan picked up a stone from the ground to test the depth of the well and dropped it in . He counted the second until he heard the splash . But what he heard wasn 't a splash . The sound was like a hollow cracking , like the stone had struck some twigs or ceramics and snapped them . Rowan looked down the well , but the light did not reach very far , especially at this early hour . Nearly on the other side of the world on the Croatian island of Lutrosnjak , Timothy Daley stepped out of the water . He 'd been taking laps around the island . It was afternoon in the Adriatic , and he climbed up the narrow , rocky shore onto the grassy surface of the island . He walked over to the single building on the island , a grand house in Mediterranean style with its front pointing towards the faintly visible mainland . He stood in his swimsuit , taking in the warmth of the afternoon sun and dripping over the grass while he walked . He picked up a towel that was sitting on the porch in front of the house and looked down a boardwalk that led down the steep edge of the rocky island to a single dock , where a man was pulling in on a motorboat . The man , wearing a summer suit and a brimmed hat stepped out of the boat and saw Timothy . He waved his hand , while Timothy waved back , his eyes placid and without emotion . " I wasn 't laughing at you , just at the situation . It 's so ridiculous , " she said . " There 's nothing to be embarrassed about . All of us were virgins at some point . We were all born that way , and it has to end at some point . I never assumed so with a boy like you . I mean , look at you . You must have had about a hundred girls chasing after you all through high school . If you didn 't notice , then trust me , I can tell you what impure thoughts they were thinking . Surely , you had a girlfriend . I feel bad for your female classmates if you didn 't at least one of them have at you . " " I had a girlfriend , " Rowan said , " Once . She wasn 't ready . I left when I went to college . She went to University of Virginia . I went here . " She sighed . " I 'm not good at these emotional things , and you men can be the most difficult of all when you 're down . So , though I 'm going to regret this when I 'm horny as hell in the morning , you can go back to your bed and bawl yourself to sleep because your cruel mistress made fun of you . " Rowan made no objection and stepped out of bed , still facing away from her . He went into the bathroom and dressed . When he stepped out , he stopped to look at the elegant , naked woman sprawled across her smooth , white sheets , her hands behind her head as she relaxed , a large smile on her face as she watched Rowan with evident pleasure . Ms . Daley burst out into a gigantic laugh . " Clearly I 've made the wrong first impression ! " she said . " Don 't be quick to judge . What they tell you is true . Perhaps I just have a soft spot for you . But don 't think it 'll get you out of your duties this weekend . You 're our new gardener , and gardening you 'll do . Now , unless you 're going to come back and pleasure me , then get out of here so I can play with myself in privacy while I fantasize about you . " She gestured with her hand and then turned away to reach for a drawer in her nightstand . Even after that whole cycle of emotion , Rowan was somewhat reluctant to leave . He did think of returning to her . In the end , he left , walking out of the room and down the hall . He was able to find his way to the dormitory , and when he arrived , he opened the front door quietly . The dark room looked different now , and he couldn 't immediately figure out why . Then he realized it was because there was a huge , white curtain cutting through the room . The curtain surrounded all four of the girls ' beds , giving them something of a sheltered and private place . For a time , as he lay on his back , he thought his emotions had subsided , but then they came flooding forward , he found himself crying . He could only ever cry alone , else he would done it before with Ms . Daley . For the first time since he 'd left for college , he wanted to go home . He wanted to be taken care of by his mother and be back with his girlfriend and be back to the way it all was before . But he hated himself from thinking this , and he slapped himself across the cheek for it , hard enough that it stung . Once wasn 't enough . He did it again , several slaps until he felt the warm burning of his cheeks . At that moment , it was like he 'd woken back up to reality , had come back to his immediate sensations , that he was sitting alone in the dark surrounded by the cool air and sounds of night . He lay down then and settled himself into sleep . Posted on October 15 , 2014 by admin Reply Ms . Daley finished undressing , her gorgeous , naked body standing in front of him , and Rowan kept his hands in place now to hide his erection . She was lean with small breasts and narrow hips . She looked like she worked hard to take care of her body and keep the erosion of age at bay , but it still showed in the texture of her skin , the lines , the cellulite , the stretch marks . She wouldn 't let him remain there covered , and she grabbed him and pulled him into the shower , pushing him beneath the warm stream of water . She started lathering up some soap and covering his body , indulging in the feel of his body . She tried to grab his penis , which Rowan was still trying to cover , but he flinched and tried to move away . When she revealed it and found that it was erect , she smiled . " It 's like being able to read your mind , " she said with a chuckle . " I know who 's thinking dirty thoughts , " she teased . She finished soaping him and then went onto her knees . Without permission or prologue , she took Rowan 's penis into her mouth and began to suck it with expertise and technique . Rowan was not experienced enough to appreciate her skill , and he was too tense and uncomfortable to relax and enjoy it . It was evident that she wasn 't doing this for Rowan 's pleasure . He did not display any pleasure at all . But he didn 't quite want her to stop - his physiology was against him . And she did go on , indulging in the pleasure of the stiffness inside her mouth and its texture and taste and the way it only grew harder the more she touched it . Soon , she was toweling him dry and dragging him to her bed , where she threw him down onto his back . She leapt on top of him , taking him inside of her with a quick movement of her hips while her hands rested on his chest . Her body convulsed with pleasure when he first entered her , like a dead thing shocked back into life , her body now alive and writhing in the pleasure . To her , it felt like a shot of pure heroin injected directly into her veins , and she couldn 't help shouting with pleasure . She lost herself so much in the moment that she didn 't notice Rowan , several minutes later , about to finish . In his inexperience , he didn 't know what to do , such that he ejaculated inside of her . She noticed it but kept on going , determined to take as much as possible out of his pleasure stick until it finally wilted , something , young as he was , it didn 't do quickly . " God , I needed that after a day like today , " she admitted between heavy breaths . She turned to Rowan and added , " Don 't relax too much . I 'm not done with you . I 'm giving you a break . I 'll take my turn again at least once more tonight . Though please don 't come inside me again . I don 't want a baby at my age . One son 's enough for me . I know chances are slim for me , but until my baby - making factory calls it quits , I 'm not going to push my luck . " " You don 't need to apologize , " she said . " I understand that young men are inexperienced . You 'll get the hang of it . You have a lot to learn . It 's obvious . But no one can blame you since the girls you were laying in high school were surely just as inexperienced as you - unless high school girls have gotten a whole lot sluttier since my days . " Rowan looked a little confused by Leo 's words , and as Sophie walked with him arm in arm through the hallways , she whispered very close to his ear in a way that was a sensual , flirtatious even , " You do whatever Ms . Daley tells you . You understand ? " Her breath tickled his skin . Sophie led him up the main stairs and down another hallway to the master bedroom at the end . She left him there , giving him a parting smile as she walked away and holding onto his hand until the last moment , as if she didn 't want to let go . He found her actions rather confusing and followed her with his eyes as she walked away . He walked into the room and he saw Ms . Daley standing in front of a vanity looking at herself in the mirror while she removed a pair of earrings . She was a woman in her late forties . She wore a short , black dress tailored to her body . It was a firm , athletic body , with her strong legs exposed . She had a huge smile on her face as she looked at Rowan through the mirror , her dark eyes looking hungrily at him . Rowan saw the lines of age around her eyes and on her neck , but she still was beautiful , a woman that must have been irresistible when she was younger . She took a necklace off her neck and placed it down on the vanity as she turned to him and said , " Pleased to finally really meet you . I 'm Sara Daley . Can I tell you how handsome you look ? " Ms . Daley walked toward and leaned in to sniff at his neck so abruptly that it made Rowan flinch and almost move away . " No , you 'll have to shower first . Moving must have been quite an exertion . " She led the way to her bathroom . There was a large , deep bathtub in the corner with windows beside it looking out on the forests at night . And beside it was a shower enclosed by three glass walls . Without permission she started to tug at his shirt , pulling it over his head . She smiled when she saw his chest and started undoing his belt . She pulled down his pants and noticing he had shoes , pulled those off too and promptly pulled off his underwear , taking all of his clothes and tossing them to the side . Ms . Daley laughed even harder and said , " I suppose I can 't order you not to be shy . But I can order you to stop trying to hide yourself . How about this ? I 'm sure you 'll feel much more comfortable when I 'm naked too . " Posted on October 12 , 2014 by admin Reply Rowan was led in through a separate back door , which led directly into the kitchen . It was a large kitchen , with long stretches of counter space wrapping around a central island , a gigantic fridge , and numerous appliances . Rowan , still struggling to get his bearings , asked Leo , " Can you give me a tour of the house , so I 'll know my way around ? " Sohpie was the one to respond to this question , " Probably , " she said . " She 's busy , and she might be a little late , but I 'm sure you 'll get a chance to meet her tonight . Lucky you . " When they entered the kitchen , Everyone sat down at a long dinner table except for Robert and Tanya , who both grabbed aprons and put their hair into ponytails . They then proceeded to pull out pans and foods from the fridge and fired up burners on the stove . No one else was making a move to help them , so Rowan stood up and made the magnanimous offer , " Do you want me to help ? " " They 're the cooks , " Leo explained . " We all have our tasks . I do the downstairs cleaning . Sophie 's Ms . Daley 's personal assistant and driver . You 'll take over my gardening duties from last year . In a few years , if you 're a good worker , you may graduate to cook . Robert 's just starting this year as assistant cook " - and leaning into Rowan 's ear and saying in a whisper - " and he 's a bit too proud of that I must say . " The dinner was prepared and served to the group , who all sat down and dug into the food , still calmly chattering between bites . As the dinner neared an end , Sophie 's phone vibrated in her pocket . She pulled it out and looked at it . She typed in a quick reply and then stood from the table . " Your wish has been granted , " she said to Rowan with a devilish smile and a wink . Then she announced to the whole table , " I should be back in under two hours . Make sure Rowan 's ready . I 'm sure Ms . Daley will want to meet him . " " What ? Don 't tell me me no fermented liquid has ever touched your lips . If it 's your first time , then that 's even more reason to celebrate - to celebrate being the ones to get you drunk for the first time . " Three other women were in the room . They had been waiting for Rowan 's arrival . They were introduced as Aimee , Tanya , and Kaitlin . All three were beautiful . Kaitlin was the Freshman among them . She looked the most innocent and vulnerable . She had a long , lanky body and moved like a dancer , with fluid grace . Aimee was a sophomore . Brown , wavy hair was draped over her face , and she looked at Rowan with drooping , sleepy eyes that fixed on him while a small smile brightened up her face . And last of all was Tanya , the junior , fully made - up and smiling with lipsticked lips . Expensive earrings dangled from her ears and her strawberry - blonde hair looked like it had been freshly styled . " This building , as you might guess , was built for us , " Leo told Rowan as he showed him around , " That is , for the first crop of Daley Scholars , like eight or ten years ago . It 's cozy and very congenial . But I hope you aren 't too attached to your privacy , since there is none . Be prepared to have no secrets from the rest of us . " Once Rowan was finished with this tour , he was told the rules by Sophie : " Lights out at 10pm . If you want to stay up any later , you go to the study room . Bathroom 's reserved every morning from 8 : 30 to 9 : 00 exclusive for the women . You need to use it in the morning , you do it before or you wait after . No exceptions . Breakfast is at 9 : 00 , and I leave with the car at 9 : 30 . You want to get to campus at any other time , you find your own way . It 's not too long a walk , so you can manage it if necessary . Lastly , no eating in the bedroom , and no sex anywhere in the dormitory building . Not even masturbating . Not even in the showers - we don 't want your man milk caking the walls of the showers we all use . You want to do anything like that , you find somewhere else . We catch you , you sleep outside for a week ; I don 't care if it 's the middle of winter . In fact , we don 't even want two people sharing the same shower or toilet stall . And I don 't want to hear any complaints . " " Don 't call me ma ' am , " Sophie said . " My name 's Sophie . And one more thing . Those are all the rules for the dormitory , but Ms . Daley has her own rule , which trumps all others : that is , you do whatever Ms . Daley says . Always . No matter what . People who don 't , don 't tend to last long . Is that understood ? " Rowan was allowed some time to unpack , and afterwards they led him out of the dormitory to the house for dinner . As they were walking , Rowan stopped and looked out into the woods . It was growing dark , and the light was beautiful through the trees . The thought of exploring the woods passed through his mind . However , Leo leaned over and , with perfect perceptiveness , as if he could read Rowan 's mind , he said , " The wood 's are off limits . " Rowan gave Leo a surprised and confused look . " They don 't belong to Ms . Daley . Her property ends something like 50 feet from the house , and the neighbor that owns them doesn 't like having college students tramping around through them . Apparently , there were some incidents in the past . Nothing of interest out there anyways . Just trees . " Rowan , however , could not share Leo 's attitude towards the woods . The hidden depths were to his eyes something like indistinct whispers to his ears , sounds that would draw him closer to hear their content and import . He knew for certain that the woods bore secrets - even if of only trivial things - and it made him curious .
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Ms . Daley didn 't immediately respond to him . She was studying him , deciding , strategizing . " Fine , I 'll teach you , " she conceded . " And you better not refuse that , or your out of this house in a moment . Do you understand me ? " She grabbed his chin with her hand , and she pointed his face directly at hers as she spoke . Rowan nodded , and she let go of him . She smiled and licked her lips after this as a thought crossed her mind . " Now take off your clothes , " she said . Their interlude on the floor did not end until Ms . Daley decided she was sufficiently satisfied and Rowan had learned enough of his lessons for the day . They dressed , and she continued on the tour , making no mention of their brief interruption , though Ms . Daley seemed to be traipsing on the air as she walked . She smiled broadly , and her face shone . All of that imperiousness was gone as she took him to the tennis court and through the gardens and walked him on some of the paths in the woods in front of the house . She was kind , deferential , even a little bit flirtatious . She had transformed from the overbearing mistress to a young school girl trying desperately to be charming to boy she had a crush on . This Ms . Daley Rowan liked . When they came around to the back of the house . Rowan wanted her to take him through the woods back there , and he asked her , " Can you show me what 's back here ? I saw a pond with a boathouse and a well . " There was something of a shocked look on her face . Her air of imperiousness returned in an instant , and she said , " You are not to go into these woods . They are off limits . The others should 've told you . " Realizing she 'd reacted too strongly , Ms . Daley tempered her response and said , " They don 't belong to me , at least no further than about 50 feet from the house . They belong to a neighbor of mine , and he doesn 't like college students tramping around through them . You see he likes to go out hunting , and there was an incident several years ago when a pair of Scholars got drunk and went out there one afternoon , and he almost shot them . He was extremely irate . So , you see , it 's in consideration of your safety that I say this . And there 's nothing of interest out there anyways . Besides the lake and the well , it 's just trees . The well is all dried up , and that tiny lake is artificial . My neighbor uses it for fishing . There , you know everything you need to know . Come now , let 's head inside for lunch . " In the early evening , Sophie was called away from the house to pick someone else up . She left alone , without Ms . Daley , and didn 't return for several hours . When she came back into the house with her charge , there stood Timothy , sharply dressed and smiling . He looked around the house , smelled deeply of the air , and announced , " Man , it 's good to be home . " The Daley Scholars had been lined up in the entryway to greet him , the four men on one side and the four women along the other . He shook each of their hands and was introduced to all of them in turn . He was practiced at being introduced to and meeting new people . Each time a new name was given , the engines in his brain started to life , crafting some mnemonic to permanently stamp the name upon the brain , such that by the end , he had memorized , the names , class years , and majors of all eight of the Daley Scholars . Only then did his mother appear , walking slowly down the stairs and examining him from a distance . He smiled to his mother , to all appearances pleased to see her . She said to him , " You have grown even more handsome . I see you 've taken care of yourself . I am glad to see you healthy . I understand you received a clean bill of health , so that is a comforting thought . " Rowan saw her face while she hugged him , and she seemed scared and a little sad . She squeezed her face tight for a moment while she embraced and her face was invisible to him . But she had a matronly smile on her face when they let go of each other , and she told him , " Welcome back . This calls for a feast . " Posted on October 24 , 2014 by admin Reply After breakfast , Rowan was once again summoned by Ms . Daley . As Sophie led him through the halls to her bedroom , his chest was heavy with anticipation . She was seated on a balcony just outside her bedroom , casually attired and reading a novel . It appeared , by its cover , to be a romance novel of the bodice - ripper variety set in Victorian times . She sat in the sunshine while she read , but a large - brimmed hat kept her face in the shadows . However , Ms . Daley simply extended a hand and said , " We weren 't properly introduced last night . I am Ms . Sara Daley , née Aglio . And you are Mr . Rowan Harding , if I am not mistaken . It is a pleasure to meet you . " " You must think me a terrible host . My behavior last night was unconscionable . I was so tired that I , unfortunately , did not pay proper heed to the niceties and formalities of hospitality . It is customary for new guests to be shown around the estate , and I will do that promptly . Do you have any objections ? " " You 're not a man of many words , " she said , chuckling slightly to herself . " Follow me . And yes , that is an order . " When she asked where he was from , Rowan explained , " I 'm from Virginia . " She was surprised by his lack of accent , and he said , " I 'm really from DC . My mom lives in Lorton , which is a suburb . There 's a world of difference between there and Richmond . " She asked about his mother , and he said , " She works for the Feds in the HHS as some mid - level bureaucrat in the Global Affairs office . My dad lives in Charlottesville and works at UVA . I don 't see him much . " " A respectable profession , " she said . " My father had a similar role . He was superintendent at an apartment building . A large and rather upscale one . It gave us a place to stay and a respectable address . It was also a great place to study the wealthy , to see how they acted , dressed , talked , moved . I don 't think I 'd be where I am today , if it weren 't for my father 's job . But here I am monopolizing the conversation . " " Wow , this is perfect , " he said . " Can I use this in the morning ? " She nodded , and he added , " Early in the morning ? Like 5 : 30 ? " " You deprive me of the opportunity of watching you exercise , " she said . " That is to say , I exercise too , and it 's nice to have company . But of course , you can use it whenever . I may even drag myself out of bed to join at that ungodly hour . " She deliberately misunderstood his questions and said , " I can make sure that you I do have some privacy when we 're down here . " She reached out and touched his cheek while she said this , staring into his eyes . Rowan did not reciprocate , lowering his eyes and only sporadically looking back at her . Her actions made him uncomfortable . She then added , " That reminds me . There 's something I 've been meaning to tell you . You 're a terrible lover . It 's excusable due to your inexperience , but you 'll need practice . Tell Sophie to take care of you . She 's the best of them . " Rowan sat on his bed throughout the morning , reading for class . He would occasionally look up from his textbook to watch the activity . He noticed that the others seemed to be looking at him , examining him . Everybody knew what had happened to him the night before - that is , what had been done to him - and they expected to see something of it written on his face . But Rowan was not that type of person , and so far as they could see , he was calm and emotionless . She smiled but didn 't say anything . She was wanting to speak but hesitated . She finally said , " Rowan , I wanted to ask you something . " " Go ahead . " She took that as a yes and continued , " I just wanted to ask because I remember when I lost my virginity . It was to a boy that , at the time , I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with . So , the next the morning I was just really excited and happy and felt so good . But the thing is that I really wanted to tell someone , but I couldn 't . I couldn 't tell my parents because they 'd just punish me and never let me see the boy again . I couldn 't tell my brother because it was my brother . I couldn 't even tell my friends because I don 't think they really approved and I didn 't want to be judged . And there was no one else I could tell . So , it really dampened the mood . I would 've been so much happier if I could tell someone . It 'd be even better if I could tell everyone I knew , even strangers on the street , and have them all feel happy for me , but alas that 's not the world we live in . The point is , if you want to tell someone , you can tell me . In fact , all the girls know , and if you 're happy about it , they 'll be happy with you too . I know you don 't know us well , but really this isn 't something you have to keep bottled up . And no one 's going to judge you and be like , ' Oh my God ! He didn 't lose his virginity until eighteen ! ' Because that 's perfectly fine . I was almost eighteen . The girls and I were just talking about it . Aimee was nineteen . Tanya and Sophie were both eighteen . I think eghteen is a good age to do that . So , I think it 's great . In fact , I think we should throw you a party for you . We should celebrate this day . You should mark it on your calendar for posterity : ' Today , for the first time , I knew the body of a woman . ' " " Why ? Because it was with Ms . Daley ? You shouldn 't be ? She 's an amazing lover . A master of the art . I 'm going to get her to teach me everything she knows . Anyways , you should be happy . Heck , I don 't even care if you aren 't happy . We 're all going to be happy for you . " Kaitlin then turned to the rest of the room , and she said , " Everyone , I have an announcement to make . Last night , Rowan lost his virginity . " Posted on October 21 , 2014 by admin Reply Lutrosnjak was a tiny island , less than a half mile in diameter , really no more than a hill sticking out of the sea . It had no beaches , only a steep , rocky shore on all sides . The ground was covered in grass and shrubbery and had nothing taller than a few stunted trees . Timothy had walked every square inch of the island numerous times . How could he not ? He had spent four years on this rock , his own private St . Helena , only smaller - in proportion to his importance . His mother had built a grand villa , complete with all the amenities , including running water and electricity via generator . He had regular visitors , but he wasn 't allowed to leave . The man approaching him was Dr . Gonzalez . He was a pudgy , bald man with dark hair and eyes and deeply tan skin that Timothy could only envy . He was well into his forties and moved with short , hasty steps , taking his hat within his hand as he walked due to the winds from the sea that blew hard across the bare island . Dr . Gonzalez had a comforting , agreeable manner , and he was well regarded for his ability to get even his most introverted and stubborn patients to open up to him . Timothy , however , had been an altogether different challenge for him . " It 's so great to see you , Hector . I see your doing well . That diet looks like it 's really paying off , " Timothy said . " That 's what my wife said . I 'm liking it myself too , " Dr . Gonzalez said as he stepped onto the porch and out of the sun . It was sheltered from the wind , and he had a chance to smooth his thin but disordered hair . " No need , no need at all , " the psychologist said . " I 'm not really here for a proper session . In fact , you already had your last session the day before yesterday , your last session with me that is . " " Your not leaving me , doctor ? No one could ever replace you . This connection you and I have and all the progress we 've made , it 's transformed my life . You 've been like a savior to me . " " You 'll want to continue therapy when you return home , of course . Though you and I have found our way through the most difficult steps , therapy is a life - long process , and I think you will continue to benefit from weekly or even just biweekly sessions for the next few years . I can give you some references . I know a great therapist who teaches at Johns Hopkins , which isn 't too far from where you are . So , I 'll - " As soon as he pulled away , Timothy said , " I 'm sorry . That was too forward of me . We haven 't reached that level of intimacy , but I was just caught up in the moment . " " No apologies necessary . We 've been through a lot together . Right now , you should just go in and pack . I 'll give you a ride back to the mainland , and we can then arrange you a taxi to the airport . " " Yes , thank you , " Timothy said , and he ran inside , walking up to the second floor where his bedroom was . He was quickly changed and packed . He only packed a small carry - on bag , since he knew that everything that belonged to him would be shipped back home for him or he would just buy something new to replace it ( that was always the way it was whenever he travelled ) . Posted on October 19 , 2014 by admin Reply Rowan was the first to rise the next morning . It was time to exercise . He didn 't feel at his best as he rolled out of bed in the dim light of daybreak . The hangover from his previous night 's drinking ached in his head , and he was tired from too little sleep , but it wasn 't enough to prevent him from stepping into shorts , a t - shirt , and sneakers and tiptoeing across the room . He stepped out into the cool air of morning , and in the absence of anywhere else to exercise , he ran . He began by running towards the front of the mansion to find there some open space to stretch his legs . The house was surrounded on all sides by woods , but there was a clearing in the front of the house for the front yard , with a lawn of green grass and careful manicured bushes . He sprinted across this and entered the woods on the far side of the clearing . The ground beneath the trees was littered with dried leaves leaves and branches , but he did discover that there were a random scattering of paths that led through the woods . They appeared to be the type of paths to be formed by the haphazard traffic of many feet exploring the woods throughout the years . They led to some of the highlights of the estate that were hidden in the woods , including a few statues , a gazebo , and a shed . But as he followed the path , it circled around behind the house , extending into the backyard woods , and he followed it . Just as with the front of the house , the paths led to the few manmade artifacts hidden in the woods . First , he was led to a tiny lake , with a small dock and boathouse . The path then turned back towards the Daley mansion intersecting with an old covered well . Rowan slowed down to look at the well . A structure had been built around and over the well , with a peaked roof and brick pillars at each corner . The well was beneath this roof , with its own round wall and a cement floor around it . Suspended above the well was a hand crank to raise the bucket , but the original bucket was nowhere to be seen . His initial interest in the well was simply as a raised ledge to do some box jumps , and he first considered the edge of the well as ideal for this . However , when he looked down the well and saw how deep it was , he realized that the risk of slipping was simply too great . Rowan picked up a stone from the ground to test the depth of the well and dropped it in . He counted the second until he heard the splash . But what he heard wasn 't a splash . The sound was like a hollow cracking , like the stone had struck some twigs or ceramics and snapped them . Rowan looked down the well , but the light did not reach very far , especially at this early hour . Nearly on the other side of the world on the Croatian island of Lutrosnjak , Timothy Daley stepped out of the water . He 'd been taking laps around the island . It was afternoon in the Adriatic , and he climbed up the narrow , rocky shore onto the grassy surface of the island . He walked over to the single building on the island , a grand house in Mediterranean style with its front pointing towards the faintly visible mainland . He stood in his swimsuit , taking in the warmth of the afternoon sun and dripping over the grass while he walked . He picked up a towel that was sitting on the porch in front of the house and looked down a boardwalk that led down the steep edge of the rocky island to a single dock , where a man was pulling in on a motorboat . The man , wearing a summer suit and a brimmed hat stepped out of the boat and saw Timothy . He waved his hand , while Timothy waved back , his eyes placid and without emotion . " I wasn 't laughing at you , just at the situation . It 's so ridiculous , " she said . " There 's nothing to be embarrassed about . All of us were virgins at some point . We were all born that way , and it has to end at some point . I never assumed so with a boy like you . I mean , look at you . You must have had about a hundred girls chasing after you all through high school . If you didn 't notice , then trust me , I can tell you what impure thoughts they were thinking . Surely , you had a girlfriend . I feel bad for your female classmates if you didn 't at least one of them have at you . " " I had a girlfriend , " Rowan said , " Once . She wasn 't ready . I left when I went to college . She went to University of Virginia . I went here . " She sighed . " I 'm not good at these emotional things , and you men can be the most difficult of all when you 're down . So , though I 'm going to regret this when I 'm horny as hell in the morning , you can go back to your bed and bawl yourself to sleep because your cruel mistress made fun of you . " Rowan made no objection and stepped out of bed , still facing away from her . He went into the bathroom and dressed . When he stepped out , he stopped to look at the elegant , naked woman sprawled across her smooth , white sheets , her hands behind her head as she relaxed , a large smile on her face as she watched Rowan with evident pleasure . Ms . Daley burst out into a gigantic laugh . " Clearly I 've made the wrong first impression ! " she said . " Don 't be quick to judge . What they tell you is true . Perhaps I just have a soft spot for you . But don 't think it 'll get you out of your duties this weekend . You 're our new gardener , and gardening you 'll do . Now , unless you 're going to come back and pleasure me , then get out of here so I can play with myself in privacy while I fantasize about you . " She gestured with her hand and then turned away to reach for a drawer in her nightstand . Even after that whole cycle of emotion , Rowan was somewhat reluctant to leave . He did think of returning to her . In the end , he left , walking out of the room and down the hall . He was able to find his way to the dormitory , and when he arrived , he opened the front door quietly . The dark room looked different now , and he couldn 't immediately figure out why . Then he realized it was because there was a huge , white curtain cutting through the room . The curtain surrounded all four of the girls ' beds , giving them something of a sheltered and private place . For a time , as he lay on his back , he thought his emotions had subsided , but then they came flooding forward , he found himself crying . He could only ever cry alone , else he would done it before with Ms . Daley . For the first time since he 'd left for college , he wanted to go home . He wanted to be taken care of by his mother and be back with his girlfriend and be back to the way it all was before . But he hated himself from thinking this , and he slapped himself across the cheek for it , hard enough that it stung . Once wasn 't enough . He did it again , several slaps until he felt the warm burning of his cheeks . At that moment , it was like he 'd woken back up to reality , had come back to his immediate sensations , that he was sitting alone in the dark surrounded by the cool air and sounds of night . He lay down then and settled himself into sleep . Posted on October 15 , 2014 by admin Reply Ms . Daley finished undressing , her gorgeous , naked body standing in front of him , and Rowan kept his hands in place now to hide his erection . She was lean with small breasts and narrow hips . She looked like she worked hard to take care of her body and keep the erosion of age at bay , but it still showed in the texture of her skin , the lines , the cellulite , the stretch marks . She wouldn 't let him remain there covered , and she grabbed him and pulled him into the shower , pushing him beneath the warm stream of water . She started lathering up some soap and covering his body , indulging in the feel of his body . She tried to grab his penis , which Rowan was still trying to cover , but he flinched and tried to move away . When she revealed it and found that it was erect , she smiled . " It 's like being able to read your mind , " she said with a chuckle . " I know who 's thinking dirty thoughts , " she teased . She finished soaping him and then went onto her knees . Without permission or prologue , she took Rowan 's penis into her mouth and began to suck it with expertise and technique . Rowan was not experienced enough to appreciate her skill , and he was too tense and uncomfortable to relax and enjoy it . It was evident that she wasn 't doing this for Rowan 's pleasure . He did not display any pleasure at all . But he didn 't quite want her to stop - his physiology was against him . And she did go on , indulging in the pleasure of the stiffness inside her mouth and its texture and taste and the way it only grew harder the more she touched it . Soon , she was toweling him dry and dragging him to her bed , where she threw him down onto his back . She leapt on top of him , taking him inside of her with a quick movement of her hips while her hands rested on his chest . Her body convulsed with pleasure when he first entered her , like a dead thing shocked back into life , her body now alive and writhing in the pleasure . To her , it felt like a shot of pure heroin injected directly into her veins , and she couldn 't help shouting with pleasure . She lost herself so much in the moment that she didn 't notice Rowan , several minutes later , about to finish . In his inexperience , he didn 't know what to do , such that he ejaculated inside of her . She noticed it but kept on going , determined to take as much as possible out of his pleasure stick until it finally wilted , something , young as he was , it didn 't do quickly . " God , I needed that after a day like today , " she admitted between heavy breaths . She turned to Rowan and added , " Don 't relax too much . I 'm not done with you . I 'm giving you a break . I 'll take my turn again at least once more tonight . Though please don 't come inside me again . I don 't want a baby at my age . One son 's enough for me . I know chances are slim for me , but until my baby - making factory calls it quits , I 'm not going to push my luck . " " You don 't need to apologize , " she said . " I understand that young men are inexperienced . You 'll get the hang of it . You have a lot to learn . It 's obvious . But no one can blame you since the girls you were laying in high school were surely just as inexperienced as you - unless high school girls have gotten a whole lot sluttier since my days . " Rowan looked a little confused by Leo 's words , and as Sophie walked with him arm in arm through the hallways , she whispered very close to his ear in a way that was a sensual , flirtatious even , " You do whatever Ms . Daley tells you . You understand ? " Her breath tickled his skin . Sophie led him up the main stairs and down another hallway to the master bedroom at the end . She left him there , giving him a parting smile as she walked away and holding onto his hand until the last moment , as if she didn 't want to let go . He found her actions rather confusing and followed her with his eyes as she walked away . He walked into the room and he saw Ms . Daley standing in front of a vanity looking at herself in the mirror while she removed a pair of earrings . She was a woman in her late forties . She wore a short , black dress tailored to her body . It was a firm , athletic body , with her strong legs exposed . She had a huge smile on her face as she looked at Rowan through the mirror , her dark eyes looking hungrily at him . Rowan saw the lines of age around her eyes and on her neck , but she still was beautiful , a woman that must have been irresistible when she was younger . She took a necklace off her neck and placed it down on the vanity as she turned to him and said , " Pleased to finally really meet you . I 'm Sara Daley . Can I tell you how handsome you look ? " Ms . Daley walked toward and leaned in to sniff at his neck so abruptly that it made Rowan flinch and almost move away . " No , you 'll have to shower first . Moving must have been quite an exertion . " She led the way to her bathroom . There was a large , deep bathtub in the corner with windows beside it looking out on the forests at night . And beside it was a shower enclosed by three glass walls . Without permission she started to tug at his shirt , pulling it over his head . She smiled when she saw his chest and started undoing his belt . She pulled down his pants and noticing he had shoes , pulled those off too and promptly pulled off his underwear , taking all of his clothes and tossing them to the side . Ms . Daley laughed even harder and said , " I suppose I can 't order you not to be shy . But I can order you to stop trying to hide yourself . How about this ? I 'm sure you 'll feel much more comfortable when I 'm naked too . " Posted on October 12 , 2014 by admin Reply Rowan was led in through a separate back door , which led directly into the kitchen . It was a large kitchen , with long stretches of counter space wrapping around a central island , a gigantic fridge , and numerous appliances . Rowan , still struggling to get his bearings , asked Leo , " Can you give me a tour of the house , so I 'll know my way around ? " Sohpie was the one to respond to this question , " Probably , " she said . " She 's busy , and she might be a little late , but I 'm sure you 'll get a chance to meet her tonight . Lucky you . " When they entered the kitchen , Everyone sat down at a long dinner table except for Robert and Tanya , who both grabbed aprons and put their hair into ponytails . They then proceeded to pull out pans and foods from the fridge and fired up burners on the stove . No one else was making a move to help them , so Rowan stood up and made the magnanimous offer , " Do you want me to help ? " " They 're the cooks , " Leo explained . " We all have our tasks . I do the downstairs cleaning . Sophie 's Ms . Daley 's personal assistant and driver . You 'll take over my gardening duties from last year . In a few years , if you 're a good worker , you may graduate to cook . Robert 's just starting this year as assistant cook " - and leaning into Rowan 's ear and saying in a whisper - " and he 's a bit too proud of that I must say . " The dinner was prepared and served to the group , who all sat down and dug into the food , still calmly chattering between bites . As the dinner neared an end , Sophie 's phone vibrated in her pocket . She pulled it out and looked at it . She typed in a quick reply and then stood from the table . " Your wish has been granted , " she said to Rowan with a devilish smile and a wink . Then she announced to the whole table , " I should be back in under two hours . Make sure Rowan 's ready . I 'm sure Ms . Daley will want to meet him . " " What ? Don 't tell me me no fermented liquid has ever touched your lips . If it 's your first time , then that 's even more reason to celebrate - to celebrate being the ones to get you drunk for the first time . " Three other women were in the room . They had been waiting for Rowan 's arrival . They were introduced as Aimee , Tanya , and Kaitlin . All three were beautiful . Kaitlin was the Freshman among them . She looked the most innocent and vulnerable . She had a long , lanky body and moved like a dancer , with fluid grace . Aimee was a sophomore . Brown , wavy hair was draped over her face , and she looked at Rowan with drooping , sleepy eyes that fixed on him while a small smile brightened up her face . And last of all was Tanya , the junior , fully made - up and smiling with lipsticked lips . Expensive earrings dangled from her ears and her strawberry - blonde hair looked like it had been freshly styled . " This building , as you might guess , was built for us , " Leo told Rowan as he showed him around , " That is , for the first crop of Daley Scholars , like eight or ten years ago . It 's cozy and very congenial . But I hope you aren 't too attached to your privacy , since there is none . Be prepared to have no secrets from the rest of us . " Once Rowan was finished with this tour , he was told the rules by Sophie : " Lights out at 10pm . If you want to stay up any later , you go to the study room . Bathroom 's reserved every morning from 8 : 30 to 9 : 00 exclusive for the women . You need to use it in the morning , you do it before or you wait after . No exceptions . Breakfast is at 9 : 00 , and I leave with the car at 9 : 30 . You want to get to campus at any other time , you find your own way . It 's not too long a walk , so you can manage it if necessary . Lastly , no eating in the bedroom , and no sex anywhere in the dormitory building . Not even masturbating . Not even in the showers - we don 't want your man milk caking the walls of the showers we all use . You want to do anything like that , you find somewhere else . We catch you , you sleep outside for a week ; I don 't care if it 's the middle of winter . In fact , we don 't even want two people sharing the same shower or toilet stall . And I don 't want to hear any complaints . " " Don 't call me ma ' am , " Sophie said . " My name 's Sophie . And one more thing . Those are all the rules for the dormitory , but Ms . Daley has her own rule , which trumps all others : that is , you do whatever Ms . Daley says . Always . No matter what . People who don 't , don 't tend to last long . Is that understood ? " Rowan was allowed some time to unpack , and afterwards they led him out of the dormitory to the house for dinner . As they were walking , Rowan stopped and looked out into the woods . It was growing dark , and the light was beautiful through the trees . The thought of exploring the woods passed through his mind . However , Leo leaned over and , with perfect perceptiveness , as if he could read Rowan 's mind , he said , " The wood 's are off limits . " Rowan gave Leo a surprised and confused look . " They don 't belong to Ms . Daley . Her property ends something like 50 feet from the house , and the neighbor that owns them doesn 't like having college students tramping around through them . Apparently , there were some incidents in the past . Nothing of interest out there anyways . Just trees . " Rowan , however , could not share Leo 's attitude towards the woods . The hidden depths were to his eyes something like indistinct whispers to his ears , sounds that would draw him closer to hear their content and import . He knew for certain that the woods bore secrets - even if of only trivial things - and it made him curious .
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What a wonderful Halloween ! This was the first year Braeden really got it . He put his doctor costume on right away and was ready to go . We got Gage dressed in the orange , black , and white striped onesie with the little spider . Then we were off . We must have gone to 10 or 12 houses before heading back to our cul - de - sac . Only two of our neighbors had their lights on . We tried anyway , but they didn 't come to the door . Braeden was disappointed for about 4 . 2 seconds then dragged me off to the next house . He was great about saying trick - or - treat , happy halloween , and thank you at each house which made me very happy . And if people asked , he would tell them he was a doctor . When we got back to the house we turned our outside lights on so that the trick - or - treaters would know we were home . The first time the bell rang , I passed out candy to the kids . After that , Braeden decided it was his job to pass out candy . And he was amazing . And so darling . He insisted on giving two pieces of candy to each kid . He would ask kids how old they were ( or as he would say it , how many are you ) . He would tell kids he liked their costumes . He even told two little girls they looked cute . Near the end , when we were running low on candy , I told him he needed to give out just one piece to each kid . So when he handed out the candy , he would tell them he could only give them one piece . He took his job very , very seriously . I was so proud of how grown - up he was . A couple of housekeeping things to get out of the way before my real post . . . In the video , Gage is walking with the hungry hippo . Mom bought it for Braeden when he was around this age . She got it at a yard sale for a couple of bucks but it sells new for $ 30 at Target . Mom gets the greatest baby stuff at yard sales , especially one sale at a local church . I went back to see if I had video of Braeden pushing the hippo around and couldn 't find any on youtube . I did find this post from December 27 ( good date ! ) on his blog about him starting to use the hippo . It looks like Gage is getting going on the walking thing earlier than Bray did . About the socks . . . size small , blue & green color combo . : ) Braeden and I were snuggling last night and he remembered he didn 't have the socks , so I sent him to the top of the stairs to call down to Mat who brought them right up to him . He also had them on this morning . He 's a boy obsessed ! And what kind of mommy would I be if I took them back now ? He would be bereft ! So you see , I really REALLY need those new socks ! And now on to the big news . . . Gage started clapping ! He started doing it a week or so ago , and it 's so cute . It 's one of those random things he does sometimes , so it might be hard to catch it on video . Maybe this weekend I can sit him down with Braeden . If Bray claps , maybe Gage will follow suit and I can capture it on film . We 've got lots going on tomorrow so this might have to be Sunday 's project . Tomorrow Mat and I are going to the Gibsonville Fire House for early voting . Braeden should be psyched to spend a little time with the fire trucks . I 'm on the fence about early voting . I love getting it done early and ( hopefully ) avoiding long lines and wait times on Tuesday . The Fire House is a lot more convenient than our regular polling place . And it 's fun that we can go all together as a family . But I think I 'll miss out on that rush , that feeling of excitement you get when you vote on Election Day . I guess it won 't matter too much ; the important thing is to vote , right ? Well , thPosted by Braeden was perfect at the dentist this morning . He got his teeth cleaned then flossed . And he got a fluoride treatment . There were a bunch of flavors to choose from and he picked orange . They tried to do x - rays but his mouth was too small to hold the thing . The glasses are to shield his eyes from the bright light they use . He liked the chair that moved up and down and reclined back , but he didn 't like having to lie so far back on it . I think he was worried he would fall off , but I held his hand and that relaxed him . They also had Spongebob on the TV when he walked in , so he was happy . In fact , that explains the super - intense look on his face . At the end of the visit he had his pick of toothbrush . He had to decide between Shrek and Diego . Tough choice for a boy who loves both , but ultimately he picked Diego . It well with the Dora toothbrush we already have . If I were you , I would turn the volume down pretty low on your speakers before you watch this video because some of us , and I 'm not talking about Mat and Gage , are a little bit loud . How cool was that ? ? ! ! After dinner Braeden and I were sitting in the big chair together watching Dora while Mat gave Gage a bath . I put my foot on his and he kept asking me what it was . It took me a minute to realize he was asking about my sock , my super - soft slipper sock . So I took them off and put them on his feet . He was walking around calling them his boots . He was way too cute in them not to take his picture ! Of course the socks were incredibly slippery ! And that just made them more fun . He never fell down , but he came close ! And he wore them to bed . I might never get my socks back . It 's a good thing I 've fallen totally in love with these LL Bean socks ! ! These would make an excellent early Christmas present . * * hint , hint , mom * * Short post tonight . . . I asked Braeden what he wanted for dinner tonight and he said macaroni then went to the pantry and pulled out a box of mac and cheese . I agreed to make that and thought we would have hot dogs too . But there was only one hot dog in the freezer . So Mat and I had hamburgers with our mac and cheese . And I steamed broccoli . I told Braeden he had to eat one piece , and he agreed . We sat down at the table , and he wolfed down his mac and cheese and his hot dog . He drank his chocolate milk but still hadn 't touched his broccoli . His one tiny piece of broccoli . I asked him nicely to eat it . He reminded me that the last time I made him eat broccoli , he threw up . I explained that it wasn 't the broccoli that made him throw up , it was the fit he threw . I told him he couldn 't leave the table until he ate it . I told him he wouldn 't be able to watch cartoons if he didn 't eat it . And finally I told him I was taking his plate away and he could get down but I would not turn the TV on . Once I got up , he started acting like he was going to eat it , but he kept messing around with it . So I took his plate and cleaned off his hands . He began to cry because he finally realized he wasn 't going to get to watch cartoons . Mat suggested we dip the broccoli in the cheese sauce and Braeden agreed to eat it . He was standing up in the kitchen when I fed him the piece and he started to chew it . He coughed a few times and we knew immediately that he was trying to make himself throw up . I told him not to do it , to stop . But instead he threw up on our kitchen floor . We were so , so mad at him ! We cleaned him up and sent him to time - out . Mat cleaned up the floor and I went to check on Braeden . He was doing fine but we made him stay in time - out until it was time for his bath . I just can 't believe he did this again . Tonight we gave baby Gage pinto beans after his yogurt . Like everything else we put on his tray , he had no idea what to do with them . I put one in his mouth and he spit it right out . But I persevered . And he ended up loving them ! He must have eaten 20 of them . It 's funny to me that he isn 't more into finger foods . He loves being fed purees but just isn 't that interested in feeding himself . He still loves mozzarella , puffs , and cheerios . He 'll eat toast and pancake but that 's been about it . So pintos are a really big deal ! And since he loves to be fed , I went to town this weekend cooking for him . I baked two kinds of squash , butternut and some kind of funny acorn squash shaped thing . I boiled up sweet potatoes . Then apples . And tonight I cooked corn . He hasn 't tried it yet , but I hope he 'll like it . I finally broke down tonight and ordered a couple more diapers . : ) Like you really had to twist my arm , right ? There are four new colors of bumGenius diapers and those are our workhorse diapers . Gage always wears one at night and we send them to daycare because they 're so easy for anyone to use . The only problem with them is that they used to come in just five colors - - pale blue , spring green , soft yellow , white , and pale pink . And finally bG has come out with four new colors that are more vibrant shades of the existing colors . You can see the new colors here . Unfortunately bG didn 't realize how high demand would be for the new colors so they 're backordered everywhere . But I placed my order for ribbit and moonbeam , and when they 're finally available , I 'll get mine . I can 't wait ! After I snuggled with Braeden in his bed , I went to open Gage 's door . ( His room gets really , really cold at night with the door closed . ) We gave him a blanket a few nights ago . It 's tucked in tightly on three sides so I don 't worry about him getting wrapped up in it , but I seriously doubt he 'll stay covered all night long . He moves around so much during the night . Tonight he was lying on his side under the blanket . Clutched between his arms was thPosted by When I lived in NY I could see all the Giants games but since moving to NC I only get to see a few games each year . Today was one of the games I got to see . . . Giants v . Steelers . It was a tough game but the Giants played tough defense , lucked into a safety , then FINALLY got into the endzone and pulled out the win in the end ! Braeden played outside while I watched the game with Gage . He 's young , but he 's already a big fan ! Braeden ran in to give me these little white flowers from our front yard . He usually brings me one tiny bloom at a time , but today he came in with three bunches . They 're weeds , so it 's nice that he pulled them from the yard . And of course it 's so sweet that he wants to bring me flowers . He LOVED that I put them in a glass . And I 'm sure he would love to know that I posted a picture on the blog . : ) Tonight I made meatballs from ground turkey and cooked them in sauce . The last time I did this we made Braeden eat a meatball . He completely freaked out and it took about 45 minutes for him to finish . Tonight I gave him pasta with parmesan cheese , one meatball cut into small pieces , and a bowl of applesauce . He mixed his pasta and cheese into his applesauce ! He said it was good . I just didn 't want to think about it too much ! Then he put a little applesauce on top of his meatball and FINALLY finished eating that too . So strange . The cutest part of dinner , though , was when Braeden and Gage cracked each other up . Braeden started doing this silly laugh . Then Gage laughed back . So they went back and forth laughing at each other for a few minutes . It was so funny to watch , partly because it was almost like they had no idea we were there . They were completely wrapped up in each other and their little game . Quick post tonight . . . Braeden knows how to spell Gage 's name now . And tonight I was teaching him to spell Potter . I told him we were going out to dinner tonight and I asked him where he wanted to go . He said Arbys because we just ate there on our way home from the beach . Then he said Monterreys but I knew Mat was really tired of going there . So then he had to decide between Monterreys and Moe 's . When I pushed him for an answer , he said in his most exasperated tone , " Mommy , I have to think about this . " We ended up at Moe 's . We 've got a busy weekend ahead of us . I wish we could just be lazy but we have tons of errands to do and Mat 's parents are visiting on Sunday . A couple weeks ago Braeden came home from the grocery store with a small pumpkin . He was so proud of it he immediately put it on the dining room table . Then last week his class went to the pumpkin patch on a field trip . Isn 't that cute ? ? And he brought home a small , white pumpkin . So that went on the table too . When I went to the grocery store Tuesday when we got home from the beach , I bought the little gourds I love so much . I got a little bumpy one , an egg - shaped one that has a green base and an orangey - yellow top , and two baby pumpkins . Braeden was so so excited when he saw them on the table with his two pumpkins . The white one is the momma pumpkin , the orange one is the daddy pumpkin , and the little ones are the babies . When he eats dinner he likes to have one of the baby pumpkins on the placemat next to his plate . And he always wants one of the gourds to hold while he watches TV . Only he asks me for one of the vegetables . One of the little vegetables . So cute ! At some point my video of Braeden and Gage playing together will load on youtube and I 'll post it here . Until then , just know that there is a really cute video coming of my two boys playing together . This is one of the first times they 've played together without one of them freaking out or starting to cry . Sometimes Braeden plays too rough for Gage and sometimes Gage messes with Braeden 's toys or knocks down his tower upsetting Braeden . But today they played so nicely together I had to run to get the camera . I didn 't realize turning the camera wouldn 't automatically rotate the video I was shooting , so I 'm sorry the last 15 seconds are sideways . It 's like on Barefoot Contessa when she leaves the top of the cake rounded instead of leveling it off . Rounded cake = homemade and old - fashioned . Leveled - off cake = professional and boring . My videos are liked rounded cakes . : ) We 're home ! And now I can finally post all the photos I took while we were at the beach . . . We actually got Braeden to wear his baseball hat a couple of times . Amazing , right ? He had to wear it backwards because the wind was so strong it blew his hat down the beach . P - Pa and Braeden fed the seagulls on the beach ! How cute are my two bigger boys in their backwards cap ? ! Braeden had the best time playing in the sand . He even got his toes wet in the surf this year ! Right after dad took this picture , a big wave came in and got me . Braeden was able to get out of the way but not me . : ) Each year we go to the beach we take a family picture . Now there 's four of us ! Gage has a new trick . . . he bites down on the spoon when he 's being fed ! He and MeMa had a great time together ! Today was our last day at the beach and we finally had some better weather . We spent a couple hours on the beach this morning . After lunch we walked down to the Neptune statue and took some pictures . Mat and I went to dinner tonight with Abi and Jeremy , while mom and dad stayed home with the boys . I 'm about to fall asleep while typing so I 'm off to bed . More tomorrow and photos too , hopefully . I almost forgot to blog tonight . . . This will be short because Gage is asleep on my chest and I 'm worried the noise from my typing will wake him . We had a good day , a cold and windy day . The boys went down to the beach but couldn 't stay more than a minute . As soon as Braeden sat down he was covered in sand . It was like a sandstorm near the ground . Mat said he was screaming . I 'm sure it hurt really badly . We went to the aquarium this afternoon . I 'll post pics when I get home . Then tonight we had a great dinner at Rock Fish , a restaurant Mat amd I ate at last year . It was our date night last year and we wanted to go back this year . It 's a good thing we went tonight since they 'll be closed for the season tomorrow ! Braeden and MeMa were pretending to be pirates at dinner tonight . When we got back to the hotel he kept asking her if they were still pirates . It was very sweet . He might have to be a pirate for Halloween . It should be warmer tomorrow and less windy , so we 'll get to the beach finally ! We left home around 5 : 15 snd just got back in the car after a quick dinner at Arby 's . Braeden is telling me a story about a tower that is wet and tired . ( The " toy " in his kids meal was a pop - up book on the Eiffel Tower . ) Mat says we should be at Virginia Beach around 10 : 00 tonight . Hopefully Gage will fall asleep now that it 's dark and he 's nursed and eaten banana . I hope Bray will sleep some too since he 'll be awake for a while once we get to the hotel . The car is stuffed ! In my list last night I forgot to mention my pump and the three or four other random bags that I had to add to our load in the few minutes before we left . We have too much stuff ! ! Mom and dad are already there , and Abi and Jeremy will drive down tomorrow . I 'm posting with my blackberry so this is all I can manage for now . More tomorrow from the beach ! Tomorrow we 're going to the beach ! We 've been looking forward to the trip for a while now , especially Braeden . I just can 't believe how much stuff we 're bringing with us ! ! Gage is going to sleep in the pack - n - play and Bray will sleep on an inflatable bed . We 've got his suitcase and a bag with Gage 's clothes and diapers in it . Mat and I each have a bag packed with clothes . There are a few bags with food and a bag with beach towels , extra wipes , sippy cups , and medicine . Then there 's the bag with Mat 's rollerblades . And the bag full of toys . And Braeden 's dog . And a gift bag with birthday presents for mom and dad . We also need to bring mom and dad 's advent calendar . And maybe our kitchen sink . : ) We 'll be leaving tomorrow after work and coming back sometime on Tuesday . And how will I live up to the terms of my own blogging challenge ? Well , I guess you 'll just have to keep coming back to find out . : ) I 've blogged before about how Braeden comes home and strips down to " just the underwear " . While sometimes we get variations on that look . And yesterday he decided he had to take just his shorts off and leave the rest of his clothes on . Weird but cute , right ? I originally intended to take pictures of Gage because he was holding his own bottle and I had never seen him do that before . But of course Braeden , ham that he is , needed to be in the pictures too . I just love his face in this one . He looks soooo calm and sooo sweet . And here 's Gage holding onto his bottle . Impressive , right ? I brought the camera upstairs tonight when Mat finished Gage 's bath . I just love this big , soft hooded towel , so I couldn 't resist taking a ton of pictures of Gage in it . Of course he was moving in almost all of them . He crawled to the gate and pulled himself up . He was just smiling , smiling , smiling and I needed pictures of it so I sent Mat through the gate to get some . And look what he got ! Then just to cap off the night , one shot of a naked bottom ! I promised to post more about Braeden 's spelling , and here we go ! I 've already told you he can spell mommy , mom , and Bob . He can also spell his name ! At first the only time he was spelling his name was when we were snuggling in his bed . Since he has his name on his wall I just figured he was reading the letters , but I covered his eyes and made him spell it again . When he does it he always spells out Braeden Rhys , never just Braeden . : ) He can also spell Dylan , another of his classmates . He hasn 't spelled any of his other friends names but he does do something else . He 'll tell me that there are two A 's in Makena . And one K . Or that Macy has a Y in her name . Or that Matthew has two T 's in his name . Cute , right ? What makes me nuts , though , is that he says Y starts with me meaning his name starts with a Y . I always explain to him that he HAS a Y in his name not that his name STARTS with a Y . But he keeps insisting that his name starts with a Y . He 'll get it eventually . I 'm just impressed he knows as much as he does ! Gage and I went back to the doctor this morning for his follow - up blood work . We 've never had to wait more than five to ten minutes in the waiting room . But at his nine - month appointment we waited at least 20 minutes , and this morning I waited close to 30 minutes . I hate waiting but it was nice to spend that extra quiet time with Gage . Anyway , since this wasn 't a real check - up they weren 't planning to put Gage on the scale . I insisted , though . So I put my baby ( in just a diaper ) down on the scale and waited . Mat and I have been convinced he was looking chubbier . His round cheeks seem rounder . Two weeks ago Gage weighed 15 pounds even . This morning he weighed in at 15 pounds 10 ounces ! ! YEA ! ! Then came the hard part . The lab tech came in with a nurse practitioner to draw blood . Last time it was just a finger prick . This time they brought the butterfly stick thing to take a vial of blood for a CBC . Gage sat on my lap and I held his right hand . The nurse practitioner held his left arm straight and the tech stuck him with the needle . ( Sorry , mom . ) It took a little manipulating , apparently babies ' veins roll around and it 's hard to actually get the needle in , but blood started to come out into the tubing that leads to the vial . Unfortunately it stopped before reaching the vial . The tech put a spiderman bandaid on that arm and moved over to try the other . Gage didn 't make a peep while she worked on his left arm . He looked curiously at the tech while she worked and he flinched once or twice but never cried or even tried to move away . I talked to him the whole time and kissed his forehead but was shocked at how quiet he was . He fussed more while she worked on the second arm . She never got any blood from his right arm and after a couple minutes of trying decided she didn 't want to put him through any more . One more spiderman bandaid and the tech and nurse practitioner left us alone . Gage was very happy to nurse while we waited for the results . Five to ten minutes later the doctor came in to tell me that there hadn 't been enougPosted by This video is two weeks old by now , but really nothing has changed . Gage loves to pull up but he hasn 't tried letting go yet . I don 't think he 'd be able to stand for longer than a couple seconds . His legs just aren 't strong enough yet . But he also really enjoys walking with one of us holding onto his hands . And here 's a sweet Braeden story from tonight . . . Mat was getting him dressed for bed and Gage and I came upstairs to see how things were going . Braeden told us that Mat was the daddy because he dealt with the poopy diapers . He agreed that I was the mommy because I too dealt with poopy diapers . So I asked him what makes MeMa MeMa . And what did he say ? Because she loves him . I just thought that was really cute ! I was exhausted last night so I went to bed at 9 : 30 without pumping . And boy , was that a mistake ! I woke up at 4 : 30 in pain but rolled over and was able to go back to sleep for another 40 minutes . When I woke up again , I was in serious agony . But only on the right side . Because that 's the side that makes all the milk . Weird , right ? So , at five in the morning , while the rest of my house slept , I was sitting in the living room pumping to relieve the pressure . In no time at all I had pumped four ounces from the right and two from the left . And I still felt uncomfortable and overly full , but I knew baby Gage would be waking up soon and would need to nurse . From now on , no matter how tired I am , I absolutely have to pump before bed ! This morning Braeden was playing with my mom 's advent calendar . One of our new Christmas traditions is to exchange advent calendars ( Abi , mom , and I each have one ) , fill it , and return it to the rightful owner . Last year I had Abi 's advent to fill . Her calendar is rough because the boxes are particularly tiny . It 's hard to find things small enough to fit . But this year mom has to worry about that , and I have her advent to deal with . I bet you 're wondering why I 'm worried about it now on October 11 . Well , I need to have it filled so I can give it to her next weekend when we meet up in Virginia Beach . Last year I shipped Abi 's advent and it cost about $ 20 to do it . It 's just easier and cheaper to take care of it now . But thanks to the advent , I 'm already in the Christmas mood and am having a hard time accepting we 're barely into October . Anyway , Braeden liked opening the doors on mom 's calendar . I reminded him about how much fun he had opening the advent last year . Mom had filled the calendar with things for him , like a bouncy ball , and things for me , like earrings . I wonder what Abi will do . . . Braeden went in search of things that would fit in mom 's calendar this morning . Pacifiers fit really well . And so do tubs of lip balm which we just call lips in our house . Small shells fit . And so do pennPosted by I completely forgot to blog about this over the weekend but we finally made the switch . . . Gage was too long ( if you can believe that ) for his infant car seat . So now he 's riding around in Braeden 's convertible car seat . And what is Braeden sitting in now ? A big boy booster seat , of course ! This was another of those tough for mommy moments . Like sad that Gage was starting on solids tough . Mat and I bought that infant car seat along with the giant stroller at Baby Depot while I was pregnant with Braeden . It was the first big purchase we made for him . We bought that long before we bought a crib or changing table . I remember wheeling the different strollers around , popping them closed and testing their weight to see if I would be able to lift it up and into the back of my Outlander . And I remember thinking of the tiny baby that would eventually be carried around in that little seat . And now that baby is three and a half and riding in a booster seat . After Braeden outgrew it ( right around this same time ) , we packed it away for baby number two . Mat probably doesn 't know this , but if we had had a girl the second time around I was planning to ditch that gray car seat and buy a new girly one ! : ) But instead we used the car seat for another 10 months and now it 's in the landfill . Mat put the seat and the two bases out for Tuesday morning 's garbage pick - up . Braeden likes to watch the garbage men and when he saw them pick up the car seat , his face lit up and he laughed and laughed ! I was so glad Mat and I were both right there to see his reaction . The other hard part for me about transitioning Gage out of the infant car seat and into the convertible one was that it meant giving up my little stroller that Mat 's parents gave us . I love that thing ! It snaps up and pops down so easily . It 's lightweight and so easy to push . I got so much use out of it while I was home with Gage . We spent a lot of time wheeling down the aisles of Target and the grocery store or walking around Alamance Crossing . But now Gage is going to be riding in thPosted by This is hard for me to believe but I 've never posted about the cartoons Braeden likes to watch ! ! Cartoon time is very important in our house . Braeden gets to watch TV after breakfast and after dinner ( if he 's gotten a green light at school , if he 's been a good boy for us , and if he ate all his dinner ) . He goes through these phases with cartoons . Like for weeks all he wants to watch is Spongebob . Then suddenly he 's over that and wants to watch something else . For a long time after dinner he would watch Baby Looneytunes and Krypto the Superdog . I didn 't care for the looneytunes but I did like Krypto and was kind of sad when he got tired of that . My parents gave him a Blue 's Clues DVD this summer so he 's been into that now . We 're lucky because there are two episodes on in a row in the mornings . While we get ready for work , Bray watches Blue 's Clues . And he writes stuff down in his handy - dandy notebook . Or sits in his thinking chair . And if you have no idea what I 'm talking about then you obviously need to watch one or one hundred episodes of Blue 's . The schedule is totally different on the weekends which Braeden doesn 't understand . Usually we end watching Sprout for the good night show or the sunny side up show . Then he can watch episodes of a bunch of different shows like Bob the Builder , Fireman Sam , or Berenstein Bears . Berenstein Bears was another of his phases . He had to watch it EVERY morning ! We 've got several of the books and have seen some of the episodes four or five times . My favorite of the sprout shows is Make Way for Noddy . I can 't tell you how much I adore it ! Noddy is a little wooden toy who lives in Toyland . He drives around this adorable red and yellow taxi and even flies a little red and yellow plane . And his clothes . . . his blue jingle bell hat and his yellow scarf with red polka dots just make me smile . Fortunately Braeden likes him too . Noddy isn 't his favorite , but he still likes to watch him . The song sticks in my head all day . Make sure you have your speakers turned up if you visit the link abovPosted by I 've decided I haven 't been a very good blogger since I started back to work . My boys do hundreds ( at least ) of cute things each day and I 'm not slowing down long enough to chronicle them . So , I 've issued myself a challenge . I am going to blog EVERY single day for ONE whole month . There will be a post on one blog or another every day from now on . I tend to filter myself and only post things that are big or momentous when the little every day stuff is often more fun or certainly just as important . Maybe someone else ( ahem , ET ) will want to jump on my bandwagon and give this a try , too ! Anyway , tonight I 'm playing Keno which leaves Mat home with the boys . I think he and Braeden will have bean burritos for dinner . It 's easy and they both love them . We had Mat 's standard home alone without mommy dinner - - chicken nuggets and biscuits - - Tuesday night . Then last night I made parmesan chicken for dinner . Partway through breading the chicken pieces I realized it was practically the same thing as we 'd had the night before . I felt a little ridiculous . Of course , my homemade chicken nuggets are sooo much better than the frozen ones from the box so it was okay . Right ? Braeden wouldn 't eat his chicken , though , because it had black on it . Or so he said . The nuggets were browned because I cooked them in a little olive oil , but to him that 's black . And he 's convinced he doesn 't like black . We gave him ketchup but he mixed his jasmine rice into that . Then he started dipping his finger in the ketchup and licking it off . Gross . We told him if he didn 't eat his chicken , he wouldn 't get to watch cartoons , he wouldn 't get any toys in his bath , and he wouldn 't get to read a story before bed . He started wailing so we sent him to time - out . Finally he came back to the table and announced he would try the chicken . When he says that you know you 're golden . He 's going to eat whatever it is . He gets this silly smile on his face as he brings the chicken slooooowly to his mouth . And he watches you the whole time to see how you 're going to react . When Posted by Tonight I was planning to cook a few peaches we bought this weekend at the grocery store . Well , I guess peach season is really over . I peeled the first one and it was nasty inside . But two of the four were fine , so I cut them up and started boiling them . But it 's hardly worth cooking two little peaches , so I cut up a butternut squash I had bought a couple weeks ago and threw that in too . It turned out really , really well ! Mat was a little grossed out but I guess it helps that I love squash . It 's a good thing this worked out for us . Gage hasn 't been great about eating finger foods . He loves cheerios and puffs , toast , pancakes , and shredded mozzarella cheese . Mat 's tried giving him string cheese cut up in small pieces . One time he ate it and the next he just pushed it around the tray . He hasn 't been interested in eating bits of banana or veggies though . He ate a bunch of peas one night then wouldn 't eat them the next time . We bought yogurt this weekend , and he loves it ! We started with the stonyfield yobaby yogurt . The six - pack comes in vanilla and banana . When we give him yogurt , we 've been starting with some pureed fruit or veggies then giving him half a container of the yogurt . This weekend we 'll buy regular yogurt and see how Gage likes that . The yobaby stuff is just too expensive ! ! He loves being fed . Maybe he 's just lazy ! : ) After he finishes his dinner , we give him some apple juice in a sippy with the iron supplement in it . He loves his juice and his sippy ! He really loves bangng the sippy on the high chair tray . One day last week I had made macaroni and cheese . I cooked some extra elbows and cut them in half for Gage . He ate a few but just didn 't seem to care for them . Over the weekend we had leftover macaroni and cheese one day for lunch . I gave Gage a little bite of mine and he loved it ! So we all ate mac and cheese for lunch that day . : ) Here 's a cute , quick story about Braeden . . . I made Mat write this one up because he knows the book and was there to have the conversation with Mat . So Bray has a book ( I think it is called " Giggle Giggle Quack " ) that he likes very much and he and I have read it many times . Basically , the story centers on a farmer who goes on vacation and leaves his brother in charge of the farm . The farmer leaves the brother handwritten notes describing how to care for the animals . During the story , the brother is fooled by a crafty barnyard duck , who replaces the farmer 's notes with all sorts of silly instructions of his own design ( telling the brother to order pizza for the hens , bathe the pigs in the house tub with the farmer 's special bubble bath , etc . ) . Anyway , before the farmer leaves for his vacation , he ( ominously ) tells the brother to " Keep an eye on duck , he 's a bad influence on the cows . " In our hallway , we have a nightlight that Gage is a little obsessed with . He always wants to play with it , and Bray enjoys playing sheriff and yelling at him about not screwing around with it . At one point this weekend , Bray told me to " Keep an eye on Gage , he 's a bad influence on the nightlight . " I 'm a 30 - something New Yorker ( Go Giants ! ! ) transplanted to North Carolina by her husband . I 'm the mom of two beautiful boys , Braeden Rhys and Gage Leman , and Hudson ( named for the river ) , our barn cat from Wayne County , NY . I knit , sew ( especially baby things and easy projects with step - by - step tutorials ) , bake ( from scratch , please ) , and cook . I 've worked in fund raising for 11 years and can 't imagine doing anything else but don 't feel like I 've found my calling .
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Here 's another kindness we may want to consider as we are out and visiting our sick family or friends during Christmas . Wishing you and your family a Very Merry Christmas ! ~ Love and Hugs , KatMy mom was recently hospitalized at a local inner city hospital that requires visitors to pay for parking . I cannot fault the organization for accepting revenue for parking when it is difficult to find adequate spaces to park at many hospitals . As I was leaving I was reflecting on how very fortunate I am that she is improving daily and that I have a job and can afford to pay for parking . Having a family member or someone you care about to be in a hospital is difficult enough , many folks are grieving or afraid so to extend a small favor like a parking fee , maybe would help just a bit . So as I left , I gave the parking lot attendant double the parking fee each time I visited and asked her to use the extra money to pay for the next person in line 's parking . I have no idea if the person behind me felt any better about the " free parking " but I did ! At Kmart stores across the country , Santa seems to be getting some help : Anonymous donors are paying off strangers ' layaway accounts , buying the Christmas gifts other families couldn 't afford , especially toys and children 's clothes set aside by impoverished parents . Click the link below to read the full story ! Just another way to spread the joy of Christmas ! http : / / finance . yahoo . com / news / anonymous - donors - pay - off - kmart - 222535611 . html I have had the fortunate insight to see Christmas for what it should be , giving . Giving to those who are around us and hurting . This Christmas isn 't about elaborate dinners or more presents for those that have more than enough , it 's about extending ourselves to those in need . Families that are hanging on by a thread , but don 't ask for anything , people out of work that we can help with a meal or two or a grocery gift card , a lonely person this Christmas that doesn 't have a family Christmas to attend . Let 's open ourselves up , step outside of our comfort zones and show the world what Christmas really means , let 's be the hands , feet and smiles full of love for those that need to see it the most . This is what Jesus meant when He came into the world to save us all from sin , it was a gift undeserved but desperately needed . Even though we didn 't ask for it , God extended this to us gracefully filled with love . So this Christmas , please , extend yourselves to those in need around you . Guaranteed , there is someone out there with worse than you have it . Trust me ! God will return the favor too ! Now when he saw the crowds , he went up on a mountainside and sat down . His disciples came to Him , and He began to teach them , saying : Blessed are the poor in spirit , for theirs is the kingdom of heaven . Blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted . Blessed are the meek , for they will inherit the earth . Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness , for they will be filled . Blessed are the merciful , for they shall be shown mercy . Blessed are the pure in heart , for they will see God . Blessed are the peacemakers , for they will be called the sons of God . Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness , for theirs is the kingdom of heaven . Blessed are you when people insult you , persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me . Rejoice and be glad , because great is your reward in heaven , for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you . And again a reminder from JHeart2Heart Charles Plumb , a U . S . Naval Academy graduate , who was a jet pilot during the Vietnam War . After seventy - five combat missions , his plane was destroyed by a surface - to - air missile . Plumb safely ejected and parachuted into enemy territory . He was captured and spent six years in a Communist Vietnamese prison . He survived the ordeal and now lectures on the lessons he learned from that experience . One day , when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant , a man at another table came up and said , " You 're Plumb ! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk . You were shot down ! " Somewhat surprised , Plumb asked , " How in the world did you know that ? The man replied , " I packed your parachute . " Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude . The man pumped his hand and said , " I guess it worked . " " It sure did . If the chute you packed hadn 't worked , I wouldn 't be here today ! " Plumb responded . Plumb couldn 't sleep that night , thinking about that man . He says , " I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a navy uniform : a white hat , a bib in the back , and bell - bottom trousers . I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said good morning , how are you , or anything else , because , you see , I was a fighter pilot , and he was just a sailor . " Today when Plumb speaks professionally , he asks audiences , " Who 's packing your parachute ? " Not all acts of kindness have to be well - thought out or planned . Here 's one perfect example of how going above and beyond provided a family with the perfect gift . ~ Love and Hugs ~ Kat * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Last week , I was out getting the mail and noticed a dog crossing the street that looked oddly familiar . I went near the dog to see if it had a tag or if I recognized it to see if I could find the owner . When I got close to the dog , I realized that that same dog was the dog that my neighbors had lost 4 years ago . A few months ago , these neighbors moved out of my neighborhood , but that wasn 't going to stop me finding them ! I remembered they moved to Minnesota . I spent the rest of the day searching all of the people with their last name in the Minnesota area . Finally when I was starting to give up hope , I called the last number . I couldn 't believe it , it was them ! I told them of how I found their dog that went missing 4 years ago . . They thought it was to good to come true . They immediately flew down to Florida to re - unite with their dog , and were absolutely shocked . They told me God has answered their prayers . They offered me a fairly large reward , and even though I really needed the money . I said no . Seeing the happy faces of them with their dog was as rewarding as it could get . ! In light of these hard economic times where people are literally hanging on by a thread , I thought I would pass along some ideas to help us keep the acts of kindness in our daily actions ~ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * It never ceases to amaze me how generous people who post on this site are . From those who are fortunate enough to be able to use some of their money to help others , people making things for others , or just giving up a moment of their time to someone in need . But what I would like to do here is offer some ideas on how to bring kindness into other people 's lives without needing to spend money . So here I offer some ideas for acts of kindness that only need you , your hands , your knowledge or your ears . 1 . Help strangers find their way . This is one I try to do every day if I can . Here in London we have some useful information panels scattered around with maps of the local area on them . If ever I see someone looking at the panel , or just looking at a map anywhere near where I work , I 'll go up and offer to help them find their way . 2 . Make something for a stranger or a child . I love making mandalas using a compass and colored pens , but I don 't always have them with me and each mandala can take a while to complete . So I needed something quicker and easier and I found instructions for making origami jumping frogs ! ! ( http : / / www . origami - fun . com / origami - jumping - frog . html ) . After a little practice I can now make them on the bus , or anywhere I find myself ( there are eight lined up on my desk right now ! ) to have ready to give away . My friend and I were out for dinner a couple of weeks ago and we had a lovely family sitting behind us . We helped take a photo for them at the table and I realized they were the perfect recipients for the frogs ( two kids of 6 - 10 ) . It only took me a few minutes and as we were leaving I was able to give them to them and show them how to make them jump . The kids were thrilled and the parents happy too ! In fact I have not come across Posted by Once again going through some incredible email and came across this simple act of kindness that made a big difference in the life of someone and had to pass it along . I hope it speaks volumes today as we rush to get our " to do " lists complete before Christmas , and may we always find time to help others out ! Love and Hugs ~ Kat * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * " The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious . It is the source of all true art and all science . He to whom this emotion is a stranger , who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe , is as good as dead : his eyes are closed . " - - Albert Einstein " I work with a lady from India . Sometimes , its hard for her to socialize with the others at work because of her strong accent . Last week , she was sitting all alone in the Living Room , while the others were involved in a Christmas activity . I asked her if she would like to join the others and she said no . I asked her why , she said " I can 't do what they are doing . " I told her sure you can . So I took her over - they were putting Christmas stickers on clothes pins . I gave her some clothes pins and stickers and we began doing what the others were doing . When she did just one , I gave her praise after praise . All she could do was smile . And the most amazing thing to me was what she said that melted my heart . She said , " Thank you dear . You make me feel like a little kid , in school again , God bless you . " At that point she took my hand and kissed it . I was over joyed ! ! ! I left her to finish and when I walk away , I could feel the calmness all around me . I made a difference in her life that day . " Posted by I got this in my email this morning as one of those you read and say , " Ahhh ! " So I just knew I had to share this with you . Often times we wonder just how we can extend ourselves especially in these hard , economic times and this is a perfect way to help for FREE ! I hope you enjoy it ~ Love and Hugs ~ Kat * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Many years ago I lived in a western country . My very first job saw me employed in the city and I was thrilled to commute to the office by public transport ! I had never been employed before and my chances of traveling on a bus by myself had always been very remote . So , I was very happy with my new lifestyle ! I left home each morning in time to catch the 8 . 05 bus from the main road . One Autumn morning I could see the bus approaching . I could also see an elderly lady walking with an adorable dog beside her . There were some youngsters behind her . The bus arrived and we got on . Unlike in eastern countries only eight passengers were permitted to travel standing . I was inside the bus when the conducter called , " Only eight standing passengers ! Could the last one to get on please get off ? " I saw those youngsters inside , right in front of me , and it occured that they had skipped the queue ! I thought it was me who now had to get off . I turned and saw the elderly lady with her dog about to get off instead . I moved quickly to get in front of her . I encouraged her to stay and got off knowing very well I would be late that morning , but it didn 't bother me . I hadn 't noticed at the bus stop . It was only as I moved past her to get off the bus that I realised - she was blind ! Her adorable companion was her guide dog ! Well , I eventually got to the office . After the day 's work I went to the bus stand in front of my office to make the return journey . What a pleasant surprise ! The lady and her dog were there ! I was really pleased because I would get a better chance to speak with her . I opened the conversation and she recognized my Asian accent ! She asked if IPosted by You say grace before meals . All right . But I say grace before the concert and the opera , and grace before the play and pantomime , and grace before I open a book , and grace before sketching , painting , swimming , fencing , boxing , walking , playing , dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink . ~ G . K . Chesterton Four years ago I decided to make it my gift to those around me that I express to them how much they mean to me . . . . . not JUST my friends and family , but all the people I encounter in my day . That included the baggers at the grocery store , the cashiers at the pharmacy , the bus driver , the garbage pickup man , the mailman , and many others . The more invisible the person ( like the garbage pick up man ) , the more I focused on them . I complimented them on their work , how grateful I was for their contributions to my life , and how appreciative I was for their kindnesses to me . As a result of that single campaign , I am now on a wave - at basis with so many of these individuals ! It wasn 't that I did anything special ; it was that I noticed how special THEY were , and told them so . Who doesn 't like to hear that about themselves ? I simply wanted to give of my heart and my time to acknowledge how special they were to me . . . . . . . but in the end , I got WAY more than I ever gave . And now they bring that fabric to life ! How blessed I feel with every wave , every smile , every " how ya doing ? Posted by I wanted to share a story that showed up in my email this morning even though the author is unknown . I hope you enjoy it and in return take something away that will touch your heart . Happy Veteran 's Day ! Earlier this week , a friend of mine in Toronto , who I will refer to as " M " wrote about her recent experience on the way to work . " M " has been experimenting with acts of kindness and has been challenging her prior beliefs and attitudes toward it - this experience below provides a glimpse of her transformative inner journey and serves to inspire others as many of us can relate to her inner dialogue . Enjoy : Any passenger on the subway who caught a glimpse of me may have already thought that I was strange as I was smiling while reading Dostoyevsky 's Notes from Underground . In particular this one gentleman sitting diagonal from me was staring at me , at the cheese bun on the floor in front of me , and then back at me . " Next stop , St . Patrick Station " - my stop was quickly coming up . I had minutes to either take the cheese bun , which nobody else was claiming ( as a passenger probably dropped it by mistake and got off at a previous stop ) , or leave it there and hope that it didn 't go to waste . In those few minutes I felt my pride getting in the way . " What would other people on this subway think of me if I took the cheese bun ? Would they think that I wanted it for myself ? Would they think that I was poor and hungry ? Would they think that I 'm stealing ? " The ignorant thing to do was say " yes " to any of those self - imposed questions , which would only justify my ego and not put my self in an uncomfortable position . But then I 'd get off the subway , walk a block up the street to my office , get settled at my desk , and despite feeling comfortable , warm , and being well - fed myself for the whole day , there would be a weight of guilt and regret weighing on my consciousness . My thoughts were pushing me towards pride and ignorance when the truth was evident : this missing cheese bun is a gift . For a homeless person who is Posted by I got this story in my email this morning and had to share it because I think it 's relevant to our time and our generation . With everything going so quickly , I think we forget the most important things in our day , people ! Let us learn from this lesson to Stop , Look and Listen every single day . It may be the most important thing we do all day . ~ Love and Hugs ~ Kat Its never too late to be what you might have been . - - George Elliot " I was just in town and standing in front of a store . A bearded man came by and politely asked another man who was passing by , " Excuse me , can you help me ? " This other man , much more affluent by the look of his clothes , replied in a very rude and abrupt tone , " I dont have time for that right now ! ! " and kept walking . I suppose he thought the bearded man was going to ask him for money . But that wasn 't the case . After he stomped off this man turned to me and asked the same question . It turned out all he wanted was for someone to unclip a watch that was clipped to the back of his pack so he could go in and buy a battery for it . Not a huge request . I was glad to be able to help after the first man had treated him so rudely . This experience reminded me how important it is to stop , look , and listen . " Passing along some great advice I discovered in my email this morning . May we all take the time to be aware of whose around us and who can use just an extra touch of help ! ~ Love and Hugs ~ Kat * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Years ago , when my daughter was an infant , I was traveling alone cross - country to join my husband . I had a small sports car crammed full of household items , clothing , and one baby car - seat . After driving for many miles , in an attempt to drive straight through , I was tired and needed to stop for a bathroom break . The rest area was mostly deserted , on an isolated stretch of Interstate highway . I parked the car and carried my infant daughter , in her car - seat , into the restroom . Coming out again I saw a middle - aged couple hanging around . It turned out they were waiting for us ! The lady said , " We wanted to wait for you to come out and see you safely back into your car . Sometimes rest areas can be an unsafe place for a young lady . We have a daughter almost your age and we wanted to make sure you got safely back on your way " . I was very touched by their consideration . Being young , and probably naive to the potential dangers of rest areas , it had never occurred to me that there was any possibility of something going wrong . I thanked them for their kindness . My daughter and I continued our journey and reached our destination ( and my husband ) safely . I never got their names but thirty years later their kindness is not forgotten . Sometimes angels come in disguise and just because you can 't see their wings it doesn 't mean they aren 't angels ! I got this story as an email today and wanted to share it with my readers because I have seen this happen first hand , not in my own family but in the life of someone close to me . Let us never forget that we too will grow old and let us teach the younger generation that as we age we are not disposable ! We have life yet to live ! Enjoy and would love to hear your thoughts on this ! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * As you probably know Nepal a small country full of diverse religions and populations . As the daughter of a Hindu family there are many aspects of my religion that I have to bear in mind . But , even while keeping such strictures in mind , I want to be ale to live a life of kindness to others . When I was sixteen my friends and I were going to watch a movie . We sat waiting for the bus but it was very late . While we were waiting another bus came by and a old lady of about seventy got off . She had bags full of her possessions in one hand and a walking stick in the other . After a few minutes I noticed that she seemed to be looking for something . She approached a shopkeeper for help - but it wasn 't forthcoming . So , I went over and asked , " What 's the matter grandmother ? " She told me she was searching for the big temple because she had heard they would take her in and care for her for rest of her life . I was suprised , to say the least . I asked her , " Don 't you have your sons and daughters to take care of you ? " " I have no one in the world to look after me , " she replied . I knew I just had to ask my friends to wait for me and I walked with grandmother all the way to the temple . I asked her about her family . She told she used to have a happy family . She had two daughters and two sons but as she grew older they started to pass her from one to the other and to see her as an unwelcome burden . Eventually they told her to leave . She begged to stay - but no one wanted to hear . I took her hand in mine and held it tight as we walked together . She begged me not to be like the children she bore and raised , who ePosted by Too often as we get deeper into our technology we often forget about the human beings right in front of us . Those people who are desperate for contact of any kind , from a simple smile to a wonderful compliment . I thought I would take the time to offer some small ways to be kind to someone and I challenge you all to do ONE thing a day and see what a difference it makes in your OWN life ! Put them into practice and also create your own : - Send someone a hand written note of thanks . Make a card at home and send it to a friend for no reason . Buy a lottery ticket for a stranger . Put some coins in someone else 's parking meter . Buy a coffee for the car behind you at Starbucks ! Cut your neighbor 's lawn or rake up their leaves . Walk your friend 's dog . Give a compliment about your waiter / waitress to his / her manager . Send someone a small gift anonymously . Stop and help someone replace their flat tire . Let someone jump the line at the bank or grocery store . Pay for the drinks on the next table at a restaurant . Treat a friend to the movies for no reason . Give a huge tip to someone when they least expect it . Hold the door open for someone in a rush . Give up your seat for someone , not just an elderly person . Write notes of appreciation at least once a week . Talk to a homeless person and have a " normal " conversation . Pick up some trash in the road which would otherwise be lying around . Compliment a work colleague for their excellence , better yet put it in writing . Recommend a competitor to a potential client . Give another driver your parking spot . Give a bottle of water or a soft drink to a delivery person on a HOT day . Help an elderly neighbor take out the trash . Tell all your family members how much your appreciate them . Leave a copy of an interesting book on a train / bus / hotel or in a waiting room . Buy an inspirational book for a friend and mail or give it to them . Bake some cookies and leave them with your local nurses station , doctors office , fire or police department . Smile a lot and look people in the eye and say Hello ! Send a greeting cPosted by If you read the front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle on Thursday , Dec 15 , 2005 , you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines . The fifty - foot whale was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat . She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her her tail , her torso and a line tugging in her mouth . A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallone Islands ( outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help . Within a few hours , the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off , the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her - a very dangerous proposition . One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer . They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her . When she was free , the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles . She then came back to each and every diver , one at a time , and nudged them , pushed them gently around - she thanked them . Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives . The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time , and he will never be the same . May you , and all those you love , be so blessed and fortunate in the New Year - to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you . And , may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude . I wish more people realized that everyone has a dream . In this case , thanks to Michael Buble who did just this . I can only imagine how proud one mom and her son Sam felt after this moment . Be warned : There is some profanity from Michael Buble but the meaning is of this message is what it meant for Sam ! If you can , encourage someone today to make their dreams a reality ! Go for it ! Reach for the brass ring ! Follow the rainbow ! Live your dream ! Sharing a story that just popped in my email and I hope you all enjoy it . A reminder that no deed of kindness goes unnoticed . " The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring . " - - Oscar Wilde " I was six years old and in foster care . My foster mother was not the kind of person I would have chosen to stay with . One morning she sent me to the store for a sack of flour . On the walk back home I was doing what any six year old would have been doing - - playing . Because of that I dropped the sack of flour and it burst open spilling the flour all over the ground . I knew that this meant I would be in big trouble when I got home . A driver saw the distress on my face and pulled over . He came over to me and asked what was wrong . I told him that I would probably get the beating of my life if I went back without the flour I had been sent for . He took me by the hand and led me back to the store where he bought me a new sack of flour - and some candy ! Then he wiped my tears and sent me on my way home . I never told my foster mother about the kind gentleman but later twenty - three years old now and I still remember him and his kindness . " I got this over the weekend in my email and thought what a great idea . Imagine if more of these popped up all over and we helped one another out in what ways we could as a group effort . I hope you enjoy it and if inspired , let the idea grow . Love and Hugs ~ Kat * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I started a Really Really Free Market in my town as a way to bring the community together . A Really Really Free Market is like a cross between a farmer 's market and a garage / yard sale , except everything is free ! People show up with stuff to give away and take what they need from other people 's abundance . It took a little while to catch on but now it seems fairly busy and I am trying to make it bigger and more fun so that more people have access to the wonder that is giving without expectation of reward and receiving without being judged . It runs once a month on a Saturday afternoon and there are clothes , books , plants , biscuits , pasta , fruit , furniture , ornaments - and lots of other stuff . The kids all play together ( it 's at a park ) and sometimes one family brings playdough , beads and colouring - in pictures for the children to play with . I think it 's so important to give people an opportunity to give because everyone , deep down , wants to share and help and give to others - but they don 't think of it , or they think it 's too hard , or weak or silly somehow . I want the people of my town to realise how awesome sharing with other people is . I also want the people in need to have a fun place to go where everything is free . This way there isn 't the social stigma of soup kitchens or charity because it 's just people sharing and no one needs to say , " Hey , I 'm poor and I need help . " They can turn up and go home with food and new clothes and having had a good time . This was a big thing for me to do because I 'm not really that comfortable around lots of people . I have to psych myself up for the week before every market so that I can cope with it all , and sometimes I still panic buPosted by The other day , I decided to come home early because it was such a beautiful day . The kids were outside playing in my apartment complex and the ice cream truck was whistling its tune . As I drove slowly to avoid an accident , I noticed a little boy looking at the ice cream truck . He didn 't get anything and he walked away with a disappointed look on his face . I asked the ice cream guy what happened and he said the little boy had no money . I had no cash on me so I drove to my building and went upstairs to look for some cash . When I found it the ice cream guy was still waiting but the little boy was not . I went in the direction I thought he might have gone and I saw a woman getting out of her vehicle . I asked her if she had a little boy and she said yes . She then told me that she and her son had gone to the grocery store the day before and had wanted ice cream but she did not have enough money to buy it . She quickly went into the house to get her son , and when she returned I realized that he was not the same little boy I had seen . This boy was a bit older and his sister came out with him . I took them both to the truck and let them pick out what they wanted . I never told the mom it was not the same boy I was talking about . I introduced myself to the mother properly and offered my baby - sitting services free of charge if she ever needed them . I couldn 't find the original boy anywhere but I hope he gets some ice cream soon . Here 's a great way to share in another unexpected way . I am hoping that these ideas will help you do something today to share God 's love in unique ways and teach others , what it 's like to know and love God and be a Christian ! This is a story I received in my email of how one woman found a way to reach out in love and kindness ! When I got to work , I was walking though a doorway and a woman stopped me and said , " I love your necklace . " I stopped walking to talk to her for a few minutes as she admired it and told me how great it looked on me . I was feeling a bit under the weather and did not feel as though I looked my best . But what she said to me made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside . I recalled the many mornings that she has spoken to me with a smile and then remembered something that my mom taught me . " You only give to others things that you would want to have . " As this thought ran through my mind , I unfastened the necklace from around my neck and told her she could have it . She would not take it because I had expressed to her how important it was to me . So I took her by the arm and put the necklace in the palm of her hand . " A retired gentleman who lives a few doors away from me can occasionally be seen picking up trash . He does it cheerfully and never complains . This morning , I was out walking my dog when I saw another neighbor picking up trash with his kids ! When I commented on what a good job they were doing he said , " Well , there 's an older fellow in our street who does this . And my friend and I thought it wasn 't fair that he had to do it all the time , so now we take a turn . " The older gentleman had inspired others to pick up trash by doing it himself ! It just goes to show we should be the change we want to see in this world . " We had bought a new home and I had filled our two bedroom apartment with nursery items in anticipation of moving in . Now the house would be taken away . I knew I would have to go back to my parents ' home , at least until I delivered the baby . And the shock of my husband 's sudden death had made losing the baby a very real possibility . I moved back into my old bedroom . My twin bed , a crib and a dresser was all that could fit in the 8 x 10 foot bedroom . The rest of our furniture had to go into storage . I had been told I couldn 't grieve my husband 's death because the baby was so at risk of delivering early , so I focused on keeping calm . Of course , that wasn 't easy - and it only got more difficult ! Because I tend not to be a person who shares my troubles much , I had told no one but my sister . She was poorer than me and could only provide moral support . My parents were just making ends meet with another mouth to feed . Then one day in early January 1971 I received a cashier 's check for $ 500 . I had no idea who it was from and no amount of calling the financial institution who issued it gave me any clues . I was saved ! We had enough money to pay for the storage rental for nearly another year ! I was so happy I smiled all day - something I hadn 't done in months ! Then , on the same day , my husband 's boss came to the house saying he wanted to see how I was doing . I told him about the check and he was thrilled for me . I knew I had nothing coming from the company my husband had worked for because he had been there only 6 months . In order to get insurance payments or death benefits you had to be with the company for a year . The man sat down and pulled out three envelopes . The first was what we were due of my husband 's salary for his last month . The second was a bonus check he had earned for the month before ( which was originally due to be issued at the end of the year . ) And the third was for $ 10 , 000 , which was his death benefits with the company ! I was incredulous ! How could this be ? His boss explained the first two checks were due us for services rendered , and he said he used his twenty - eight years with the company to make sure they did the right thing by us . Here 's a great story to illustrate this point and one can all learn from . Sometimes its easy to think they don 't understand what we are doing but they learn from watching . Enjoy today 's story ! ~ Love and Hugs ~ Kat Last week as I pulled into the parking lot with my son for his baseball game , I saw a woman trying to change her flat tire . I told my son I would get him over to his practice field and then I was going back to help the woman change her tire . When I got back to the parking lot , nobody had stopped to help her . I went over and offered . She tried to be nice and said that she was fine , but I could see otherwise so I insisted . Besides , my mother as she watches me from above would have cut a deal to send a pigeon to deliver a " special present " for me if her son had walked by and done nothing . Another woman parked nearby and said she had some wipes in the car , as I was getting dirty from the tire . She waited for us to finish and then gave us the wipes . I could tell it made her feel good in her own way . There were opportunities for kindness all around ! The best part for me though wasn 't just the fact that I could help . It came after my son 's game was over . As he and I walked to the parking lot he asked me why I went back to help the woman . I told him that it was the right thing to do . When he said to me , " next time Dad I want to help you change a tire " I was reminded that our children learn kindness from us and I will not let them down ! I spent the morning studying on giving and on sowing and reaping . I realize that God doesn 't need anything from us , He merely wants to add to what we have when He asks of something from us . If we don 't plant a seed , we can 't harvest so its time to begin being a cheerful giver . Here 's a classic story of reaping what we sow and I hope it blessed your day as it did mine . Remember we don 't have to give what we don 't have but what can you give , time , money , service , then make sure if God calls , we answer with a great attitude and full of grace ! Enjoy this story that I found on the internet ! Love and Hugs ~ KatWhen I was about 6 years old I lived in Kenya . There was a lot of poverty and there were always street children on the roads asking for money . There was such a big divide between those children and me and I grew up very aware of being so fortunate . We had a wonderful and very kind driver , John , who had been working with my family for decades . He used to take us to and from school . One day we had to take a detour on the way to school and whilst we were stopped in traffic a young street child , probably no more than 10 years old , called out with a friendly greeting . " Jambo , John ! " He approached the car and shook John 's hand . John then gave him a little bit of money and waved him off with a smile before we carried on our way to school . I had watched the whole incident from the back seat completely surprised . I knew that John worked very hard to make ends meet . He had a large family himself . We were always sending packets or rice and fruit and other snacks and clothes for his family and I knew that he didn 't have any spare money . So , of course , at that age I couldn 't understand why he would be giving money to the child . " Who was that I asked ? " I asked . " My friend , " he replied , " I see him every morning on my way to work and I give him a little bit of money . " Still unable to comprehend I asked , " Why do you have to give him money every morning ? " John replied , " So he can use it to buy some food . Posted by Here 's a great email I received this morning about how sometimes just being there helps more than words ever could . Let us not be too busy today to notice someone in need . May God grant us the grace today to work His blessings through us . ~ Love and Hugs ~ KatI used to work in a hospital as a Pharmacy Technician . As part of our duties we would make rounds of all the nursing stations to pick up orders deliver medication , etc . On one of my rounds I met an elderly lady . She was sitting outside a room crying . People walked past and saw her crying but nobody offered to help . I stopped and asked if she was okay . She said her husband was in the room - dying . I asked if I could call anyone or do anything for her but she said she didn 't have any family near - by and they never had any kids . So , I just sat there a while , holding her hand and listening to her . This went on for weeks , me listening and hugging , and her waiting and crying . Well one day on my rounds I saw her sitting there , not crying . So , I went to sit with her and I asked if everything was okay . She told me that her husband had died the night before . Surprised , I asked her why she was stll here . That 's when she said , " I came back to say thank you . Thank you for sitting with me , listening to me and just being there , helping me through this . " I hugged her and wished her well . I walked away with tears in my eyes and a heart bursting with joy because I had been able to help someone through her darkest days . Today 's video is a charmer , a sweet moment of kindness from one young boy to another . You just don 't see it that often . And then it goes to a whole ' nother level as the kind young man is recognized . It simply shows you the value of kindness in more ways than one . This just goes to show that you never know who 's watching you ! Have a wonderful weekend ! Here 's yet another great idea to inspire us to reach out in kindness in unique ways . Hope this inspires you ! ~ Love and Hugs ~ KatMy husband and I have always been friendly with the clerks at the local convenience store where we often get gasoline . I don 't think people appreciate what a difficult job these folks have sometimes . They work for a little over minimum wage and I often wonder how they make ends meet . One of the clerks , " Charlie , " was missing her glasses one day . I commented on it and she said they 'd been broken and that she couldn 't afford a new pair . It was obvious that she was having a difficult time . We wondered how we could help , so turned to our own eye doctor for assistance with a plan . We had his secretary contact her , asking her to come in for an eye exam free of charge . We told the doctor to let her order whatever glasses she wanted and that we would pay for them . Although Charlie questioned what was going on , the doctor just told her that someone had anonymously donated the money for her new glasses . When we went in to pay the bill , the doctor told us he was so touched by our idea that he waived the exam fee and only charged us for half the price of the glasses ! ! It was so wonderful to see Charlie in her new glasses and she enjoyed telling all the regular customers how it came about . I 'm sure that upon hearing her story , ideas of kindness may have sprouted in the minds of many . She will never know who the gift was from and I hope the idea that good guys really do get a break sometimes was planted for her . Posted by Here 's an email I received today showing another unique way we can help out when we are able . What kindness did you share today with someone ? Please share by leaving a comment below : Just recently , there was a man standing near the islands in the gas station when I pulled in . I had recognized him from before , when I saw him trying to cross 4 lanes of traffic with crutches . He still had his crutches with him . When I got out of the car he politely asked me if he could pump my gas . I said , no thank you and continued on . I started to notice he asked other people the same question , and I realized he was doing it for money , but he wasn 't getting any . As I looked at him , he seemed genuinely worn out and running low on energy . As I passed by him to go inside , he smiled and commented on how hot it was . I agreed , and asked him if he had walked here . He said yes , he is trying to get donations to be able to keep him and his sick wife in a hotel , because that 's the only place left for them , besides the street . I went inside the gas station grabbed a couple of cold waters , and went back outside . As I approached him and handed him the water , he looked at me with teary eyes , then I handed him the change from a twenty . He looked back at me and said , " God Bless You . " My heart felt so good ! I really couldn 't afford to give him what I did , but by golly , at least I have the luxury of knowing where I 'll be every night . Most people will call me a sucker and I gave into a bum . I don 't believe that . I did what I thought was right . What would you do ? You make the choice . Don 't look for a punch line , there isn 't one . Read it anyway . My question is : Would you have made the same choice ? At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities , the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended . After extolling the school and its dedicated staff , he offered a question : ' When not interfered with by outside influences , everything nature does , is done with perfection . Yet my son , Shay , cannot learn things as other children do . He cannot understand things as other children do . Where is the natural order of things in my son ? ' The audience was stilled by the query . The father continued . ' I believe that when a child like Shay , who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world , an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself , and it comes in the way other people treat that child . ' Then he told the following story : Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball . Shay asked , ' Do you think they 'll let me play ? ' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on theirteam , but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play , it would give him a much - needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps . I approached one of the boys on the field and asked ( not expecting much ) if Shay could play . The boy looked around for guidance and said , ' We 're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning . Iguess he can be on our team and we 'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning . ' Shay struggled over to the team 's bench and , with a broad smile , put on a team shirt . I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart . The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted . In the bottom of the eighth inning , Shay 's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three . In the top of the ninth inning , Shay put on a Posted by Harvest of kindness - - of kindredness - - is winnowed down to a precious few grains . For at the center of all spiritual traditions is the beacon of a truly radical proposal : Open your heart to everybody . Everybody . - - Marc Barasach Collection of ideas from Smile Groups this week . . . " This lady was walking through my neighborhood on such an extremely hot day , realizing there are no bus stops within 5 miles , I made a u - turn and gave her a ride to her destination . " " A man held the door for me at a local coffee shop , he was so perky , I bought him a cup of tea . " " Forwarded a letter that had gone astray and paid the extra postage ! " " Emptied the house - - books , DVDs , etc . Advertised to come and take what you want and leave a donation in the bucket for a local charity . " " I heard of a competition that I knew I would definitely get a prize so I entered and put down a friends name and address so that they will get the prize . And it 's chocolate ! " " Encouraged a guy to come out of his love failure . : ) " " I picked lemons from my moms lemon tree and gave them away . . someone going to have delicious fresh lemonade for fathers day ! " " Took senior citizen grocery shopping ; she was not feeling well enough to drive herself . " " Last night I helped some foreigners exchange some money into my country 's currency and then my sister and I led them to a hotel . They were lost and didn 't speak the language . " " Lending out a very expensive canopy to someone in need . " " I replaced a drummer in a band that needed one ! : ) " " Put a dollar inside a book I returned to the library . . . for either the library people or the next reader to find . " Posted by Akiane Kramarik began drawing when she was only 4 and began painting when she was only 6 . She told her mother that her drawings were inspired by God and that her visions were of a special place . The place was called Heaven and what is most ironic is that both of her parents , at the time , were atheists and neither God nor Heaven had been discussed with her before ! I hope you will share this most amazing story . Posted by Social Media for Social Change Kecia Cruz 's son had been sleeping on a cold linoleum floor since returning to live with his mother nearly two weeks ago . Cruz has served time in prison and her son is a recovering drug addict . Cruz sees her child 's return as a second chance . She didn 't want him sleeping on the floor , but she didn 't know where to turn . Her neighbor had an answer : Beremedy - - an organization that utilizes social media such as Twitter , Facebook and blogs to streamline the donation of food , clothing and furniture to people in need . The name is a short way to say " you be the remedy for someone in need . Within 15 minutes of posting Cruz 's need , a hairstylist with a spare mattress responded . In the spirit of generosity Beremedy connects the dots this way multiple times a day - - every single day . { read more } Be The Change Find a way to connect to needs in your own neighborhood . Posted by I think God brings us to places in His design and in His timing . This is the perfect example of what the enemy wanted to bring about evil in his life , God turned it around and used it for His good and His glory . You cannot help but be deeply touched by this amazing young man ; Sung - bong Choi . When Sung - bong decided to sing on the Talent Show Korea 's Got Talent he had no idea that he would win the hearts of millions all over the world ! The story of his childhood is so moving that even the judges had a hard time keeping their composure . He told the judges that even though he didn 't think he could sing very well , he sang because it made him happy . They couldn 't have been more surprised . He is a true inspiration to the endurance of the heart . How One Teenager Used Her Life Savings After finishing high school in New Jersey , Maggie Doyne took a gap year during which she did service projects and cultural programs in South Asia . In India , she met a teenage refugee who had escaped Nepal seven years earlier . Maggie felt moved to accompany the girl back to Nepal in search of her family . In the process , she was deeply touched by the orphans she met in the villages . " It was really this rude awakening , " Maggie said . " I thought , it only takes $ 5 admission and $ 5 for a uniform to put her into school . Why can 't I do that ? " So Maggie had her parents wire her all $ 5000 of her life savings , using it to build an orphanage and then a school for children in that remote area . She continues to run it at the ripe age of 24 . { read more } Be The Change Follow your inner voice and take a small but courageous step today . Posted by I love it when people find interesting ways to keep people smiling at work . Here 's another great idea that would be wonderful to incorporate . " Kindness is never wasted . If it has no effect on the recipient , at least it benefits the bestower . " - - S . H . Simmons " I have been sending out Smile Cards with little gifts around my work place for about six months . Since I place the gifts in our inter - office mailbox , I never know who gets them or see their reactions . As I place gifts in the mail box , I imagine people 's reactions and it makes me happy to know that maybe I am making someone 's day a little brighter . Today , I actually got to witness the reaction . Apparently , one of the little gifts I left in the mailbox this morning made it 's way to a co - worker of mine . Today 's gifts was a little cloth kleenex holder that you can leave in your purse and a yarn flower bag tag , so my co - worker , a guy , passed it along to another female co - worker . I heard them talking as they figured out what it was and why they had received it , and they started discussing the whole concept of " paying forward " . I later heard her talking and brainstorming on what she would like to do . It wa exciting to hear others get excited about the " pay it forward " concept and hear their ideas . " Here 's how one person responded with an act of kindness I just had to share . I hope you enjoy it ~ Love , Kat . I wrote an earlier story about a friend who was put on hospice care . I would visit her on Tuesday nights and we would talk and have some " girl time " . I would do her hair on those visits . I couldn 't heal her but for a night she felt beautiful ! We would talk and laugh . And after her hair was done on one of my last visits I put lipstick on her lips and some color on her cheeks . When I held up the mirror for her to see how she looked she smiled at me and told me she was going to go dancing . I told her to be home before her family got up in the morning ! How nice to be at the end of your life and have a sweet dream of getting out of your wheel chair to dance ! When I went for my visit this week the dancing was over . She was weak and in bed . I stood by her and did her hair as I promised I would . Our " girl time " was different . It was Tuesday , she knew I was there . I struggled to keep myself together . I knew deep inside that this was going to be the last time I could make her feel beautiful . I didn 't hold up a mirror for her to smile at her self because when I finished her family was standing there . Their smile said it all , they knew it was the end . They were happy I made their Mom look like " Mom " again . I cried as I left because I knew that I would not see her on this earth again . She passed away today and as sad as I am I know she no longer is dreaming about dancing , she is dancing . . . with all the stars in the sky A new video of a young Chinese girl playing the piano is about to make your day . And the footage may force you to examine the excuses you make not to tackle those major challenges in your own life . " Souvenir D ' enfance " by Richard Clayderman is not an easy piece to play . Yet the little lady delivers it beautifully , as if she were an accomplished pianist beyond her actual years . Add to this the fact that she 's only been playing for three years . But what 's most impressive in this video is what you see , not what you hear . The girl has no fingers on her right hand . Makes you wonder what you 're not doing with the ten fingers most of us were born with . Appreciate your day today , seek out joy , it 's waiting to be discovered ! Until your eyes are fixed on the Lord , you will not be able to endure those days that go from bad to worse . Here 's a wonderful story that I got in my email that inspires us all to fill a need if we are able ! Enjoy and have a blessed weekend ! ~ KatCons happen a lot in our city and it can be hard to know who is really in need and who is trying to exploit other people 's kindness . Recently , I was finishing my work at home when the dog barked letting me know someone was at the gate . I rushed to see who it was and there I saw poor , fragile woman in her late fifties . I said to her , " May I ask what you want ? " She replied , " Hello , ma ' am , my name is Parvathy . My husband and I live in the slum nearby . We earn our living working at construction sites . A few days ago my husband tripped on the stairs while carrying a heavy load . He is badly hurt and hasn 't been able to work for the past five days , and so we have no food . Now he is at home in bed with a high temperature . Please help me ! I need to take my husband to a doctor ! " " Oh ! " I said . " Please wait here . " I felt really bad about her situation but . . . Was she telling me the truth or trying to con me for money ? Then I decided to help her . But first I said a simple prayer . " Dear Lord . You know how I earn my pennies , so please see to it that my hard earned money helps the real need . Amen . " I went out with a fifty rupee note and handed it to her . The moment she got the money she broke down in tears . She took my hand and said , " May God bless you abundantly , my dear ! Thank you so much ! " I was so moved , and turned back to my work smiling . Here 's a wonderful story to inspire you to find out what you can do today to make a difference . Trust me , it will pay you back in more ways than ever before . Enjoy ~ KatThis said , I would like to share my story , not because I want to be thought well of by others but rather because I have discovered a recipe for happiness that I 'm sure someone can benefit from . So here it is . It is hard for me to keep a smile on my face during certain times of the year and this is one of them . With the impending arrival of Valentine 's Day I found myself thinking that if I didn 't make a concerted effort to put myself in a good humor I would very quickly find myself sliding into depression . You see , I haven 't received chocolates , cards , flowers or tokens of love since 1999 when my husband was killed in a car accident . He always brought me flowers for Valentine 's Day ( and birthdays , and special occasions , and some days for no reason at all ) and it 's hard for me to see all of the advertising and reminders of the love that now only exists in my memories . Anyway , yesterday was my day to run my weekly shopping errands , and I had noted that the grocery store had even gotten into the Valentine 's Day Retail hype and was offering a dozen roses on sale for $ 12 . 00 . So I bought a bouquet , knowing that my husband would want me to have them . I hoped that they would lift my spirits , although I truly just felt depressed at the idea of buying flowers for myself . In Canadian retail establishments , stores do their part to encourage people to use recyclable totes rather than non - biodegradable plastic bags and most stores charge 5 ¢ per plastic bag . While I was bagging up my groceries I noticed that the man bagging his groceries opposite me had purchased a large quantity of plastic bags rather than bringing recyclable totes . I always bring extra totes so I figured that I would brighten up his day by performing a random act of kindness and helping the ecology at the same time by passing one along , and said : " hey dude , save a tree … you can have one of mPosted by Passing along this beautiful story to show my readers just how one seemingly small act can mean all the difference in another 's life . A couple of months ago I was renting a house to work from . I was fairly well set up , but didn 't own a lawn mower and after a week or two realized I would have to find some way to deal with the growing grass ! Funds were short , and I was on a fairly tight budget which didn 't extend to paying a lawnmowing company . I was thinking about this one Sunday as the " Mr Whippy " ice cream van pulled up outside on the street . I hadn 't had a Mr Whippy ice cream for years , and on impulse I grabbed my coin purse , shook it to gauge affordability , and headed outside . On the pavement were three young boys aged around 10 years playing . I think a couple of them may have been from next door , but I was new there and hadn 't really met anyone yet . It was a hot day and I asked them if they 'd like an ice cream . " Yes , please , " they replied enthusiastically . At that moment a fourth boy joined them from the neighboring house . Yes , please , he 'd love one too ! ! As the universe would have it , there was just enough change to cover five ice creams . As I left the van , I heard the lady serving the boys say , " that was a really kind thing that lady did for you boys . Don 't forget to thank her . " I smiled as I went inside to carry on working . I left for work that evening , and didn 't return until the Tuesday morning . As I drove into the drive , I realized something was different . Yes , my lawns had been mowed and my gardens had been weeded . I felt this enormous warmth rush into my heart and a smile stretch across my face . Instinctively , I knew my neighbors had done this for me , and went to thank them straight away . How would they know that this act of kindness not only made a big difference to me , but it was also the catalyst for me to act further and set up a website focusing on kindness in our community which I am committed to developing this year . Thank you so much neighbors . This is my online ministry that God is using to bring about encouragement , hope and love to a hurting and dark world . I am hoping that all of you that find your way here will take something away that will add some meaning to your life ! I personally feel it 's a calling I have from God at this time in my life to reach out to people that are hurting and offer them hope in a dark world or at least give them a smile and laughter back ! I am sold out , body , mind , spirit and soul to Jesus Christ ! This blog is dedicated to God , The Great I AM , Alpha and Omega , Jesus Christ , my Savior !
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Author 's Note : This story is a crossover that a fan asked me to write . It 's a cross between Angel and As the World Turns . What 's that ? You think that 's crazy ? Well , when I first heard that crossover choice , I laughed and laughed . But then because it was such an odd mix , the idea kept sticking in my brain until I found a way to make it believable to myself . The story takes place three months after the last episode of ATWT , and three years after the end of the series Angel . Written December 2010 . Warning : Graphic Slash . Cracky crossover choice . Here are a couple of images that were created for this story by the fan who wanted it written . Thanks Sara ! It had been three months . Three months since the man he loved had been hit by a train and killed . Luke looked out at the crowd of people who had come to see the opening of the new neurology wing of the hospital . He scanned for Noah 's face in the crowd hoping , but not expecting , to see him there . But he did see many friends and family , who were there to support him . Dr . Bob Hughes finished his speech , and introduced Luke . Luke stood up at the podium , and glanced down at the index cards he 'd brought with him to help him through the speech . The three months had given him some time to mourn for Reid , and he considered this event a way to close that chapter of his life . Reid would always be a part of him , but it was time to move on . He cleared his voice , and told the crowd about all the love and devotion Dr . Reid Oliver had put into the design of this wing of the hospital . " But that 's just it mom . Now I can 't get a hold of him at all . I called him a few days ago to invite him to come see my speech , and his cell phone was disconnected . " Luke nodded , and stood up to pace . " I know , and that 's not all . I 've tried to email him , but his email address comes back invalid . " Shaking her head , Lilly said , " But what if something bad did happen ? I don 't want you getting in the middle of it by yourself . I 'll come with you . " Instead of answering , she typed some information into the computer . After a few seconds , she turned the laptop for him to see . It was a list of Private Investigators in the Los Angeles area . " You want me to hire a Private Investigator ? " It had been three years . Three years since Angel had started a war with Wolfram and Hart . And just three months ago , both sides had finally called a truce , knowing the fight couldn 't be won . Good couldn 't exist without evil , and vice versa . The law firm was still standing , and so was Angel Investigations , though both were in different buildings now . Angel got out of the shower , and heard the familiar sounds of Connor and Spike having a good - natured argument in the kitchen . He closed his eyes and savored the moment . There had been so many close calls , and they 'd lost so many friends . It was good to be grateful for the family he had left . " Gross ? This isn 't gross . Gross is a Welnar demon after decapitation . This is just tasty . " ngel could almost see the smirk on Spike 's face . Angel got dressed , and looked out the window at the bright sun . Every time he looked through the specially tinted windows of his huge house , he thought of Wesley . After things had settled down from the first battle , Angel found out that Wesley had named him as the beneficiary in his will . He 'd been shocked , until he read the short note of apology that went with it . I hope someday you can forgive me for the sorrow you and Connor had to endure because of my misguided actions . He 'd also been shocked by the huge sum of money that had come his way , but it had given him enough money to buy a specially constructed house of his own . Spike shook his head . Angel sighed and turned to Connor . " Are you sure you set up the website right ? We 've only had a couple of calls since we opened . " Before Angel could respond , the phone rang . Angel answered , and smiled when Gunn told him they had a case . Half an hour later , Angel , Spike , and Connor popped into the office from the sewer entrance , and started working on trying to find Noah Mayer . It was dusk when Luke arrived at the modest looking office with the words , Angel Investigations , on the glass door . He went in , and saw a guy behind the front desk who appeared to be his age . " Hi , I 'm Luke Snyder , I have an appointment . " Luke 's pupils dilated , and his heart rate went up when he saw Angel . The instant attraction he felt for the man was unsettling . The only other time he 'd felt something so strong , was the first time he 'd met Noah . He 'd grown to love Reid , but that had not been a case of love at first sight . Trying to cover his desire , Luke smiled and held his hand out towards Angel , " Hi , I 'm Luke Snyder . " Angel , Spike , and Connor could all see , smell , and hear the lust coming from Luke . Spike rolled his eyes . He 'd seen many women , and a few men , react to Angel this way over the years . Connor wrinkled his nose in distaste . He didn 't want to think of anyone attracted to his father . In the past , Angelus had used the attraction people felt for him against them . He 'd lured many women , and a few men , away from public areas , had his way with them , and then eaten them . Because of this , Angel had one of two reactions to these people now . If they were aggressive about their attraction , he 'd be annoyed , and firmly rebuke them . But if they were quiet or shy about it , he couldn 't stop himself from feeling protective of them , unconsciously trying to make up for the times he 'd hurt others . Angel knew from experience that if he spent enough time with that person , his feelings could grow into something more , and tried to avoid that . Angel took the page back , and handed Luke a few more . " This is a copy of Noah 's credit card transactions for the past three weeks . As you can see , he used his card several times a day , but then four days ago it just stops . " Luke looked over the pages . There were hand written notes about each of the transactions , with names and addresses of each business , and a short description of what kind of establishment it was . While Luke was looking it over , Angel said , " The last thing he bought was a beer at a local nightclub . We were going to start there tonight , unless something else on that list strikes you as odd . " " Actually the nightclub seems odd . Noah didn 't drink much , and he wasn 't the kind of guy to go out and party . " As soon as the words were out of his mouth , Luke realized he could be wrong . That was true of Noah when they were together , but a lot of time had passed since then . He said , " Or at least , that 's the way he used to be . " Luke looked it over . There were hand written names next to each phone number . He saw that his mother had called Noah every Friday , and smiled softly . " This one is my mom . " Connor handed him a pen and said , " Write that next to her name , and put notes next to any of the names you know . " Luke was surprised at the number of names he knew were from Oakdale , and as that number grew , so did his guilt . He 'd been so wrapped up in his own grief over Reid , that he hadn 't kept in touch with Noah , when so many of his friends had . Once he was done , he handed the list back to Angel . Angel scanned it , and then handed the list to Gunn . " When we 're done here , look up the rest of the names , and find out everything you can about them . " Turning back to Luke , he said , " Okay , that 's all we have so far . We were going to start doing some legwork next , but first I 'd like to get some information from you , to help us know where to start . " Luke 's eyes lost focus , thinking back over his relationship with Noah . " I guess we 're more like family than friends now . We started out as friends . " Lost in his thoughts , Luke trailed off . " He broke up with me . He 'd been injured in an explosion , and blamed me for it . During his recovery , he pushed me away . I moved on with my life . Once he was fully recovered , he wanted to start up our relationship again , but I was already with someone else . " " Originally I called to invite him to a speech I was making , but then when I couldn 't get in touch with him , I was worried . Noah doesn 't have any living relatives , so my family became his family when we were together , and that didn 't go away just because we broke up . My folks are just as worried about him as I am . " Gunn said , " I was already there earlier today . Manager hasn 't seen or heard from him in four days . I talked him into letting me into the apartment . It had been cleared out . No clothes , no personal items , even the garbage had been emptied . " " Okay , then that 's all we need for now . " Angel stood , indicating that the meeting was over , and everyone else stood as well . He looked at Luke and said , " The office opens at nine o ' clock tomorrow morning . Call Gunn when you wake up , and we 'll let you know what we 've found . " " What ? " Luke hadn 't been expecting that . " No , I 'm coming with you . That 's why I came to town , to help find him . " Angel shook his head . They had no idea what had happened to Noah , and he didn 't want to put Luke in harms way . " That 's not the way it works Mr . Snyder . We work the case , and then give you the information . " Luke scoffed , " I 'm paying you , so it works however I tell you it works . " Angel glared , not liking Luke 's tone . " You may be used to throwing your money at people and making them do what you want , but that won 't work on me . I don 't need your money , and I don 't need this case . If you want me to help you find Noah , you do it my way . " Overwhelmed by the intensity of Angel 's glare , Luke swallowed hard . The attraction he felt for Angel was still there , but there was an edge of fear mixed in with it now . He changed his tone from one of authority , to one of simple honesty . " I 'm not going to sit around in some hotel room while you look for Noah . If you won 't take me with you , I 'll go by myself . I don 't have the willpower to do nothing when someone I love could be in danger . " Once Connor and Angel were alone , Angel said , " You stick with Luke tonight . Keep an eye on him while Spike and I try to get information . I have a bad feeling about this , and I don 't want him getting hurt . " Scrutinizing his father , Connor said , " You 're being weird " hen with some distaste he said , " You don 't like him do you ? e 's a dude ! " While Connor was thinking that over , Angel said , " But me wanting to protect him has a lot more to do with his attraction to me , than the other way around . I " ngel had to break eye contact , " Angelus used to love it when someone was attracted to him . he things he used to do to them I have to make up for that now . " Connor understood better then most . He was deeply ashamed of some of the things he 'd done before becoming Connor Reilly , and still felt the need to make up for those acts . He patted his father on the shoulder once and said , " I won 't let him out of my sight . " Half an hour later , Angel pulled up to the nightclub . Angel and Spike exchanged a look as soon as they saw the doorman . This bar catered to vampires . Angel turned to Connor and Luke in the backseat and said , " You two wait in the car while Spike and I check it out . " " It means you stay here , " Angel said with finality . " But " uke started to protest , but Angel and Spike were already out of the car , and headed across the street . " Let 's see your license . " Luke rolled his eyes , dug his driver 's license out of his wallet , and handed it to Connor . Connor saw Luke 's birth date and chuckled . " What 's so funny ? " Luke shook his head , and opened the car door . Connor put a hand on his arm to stop him , but Luke shrugged him off . Connor wasn 't sure if Angel would want him to use brute force to keep Luke in the car or not . He doubted he 'd want Luke to know how strong any of them were . So instead of making Luke stay in the car , he said , " Wait up . " Before the doorman could answer , Angel opened the door to the club . He frowned in disapproval at the two younger men , and then turned to the doorman . " They 're with me . " The doorman stepped aside . Luke started forward , but instead of letting him into the club , Angel stepped out and grabbed Luke 's upper arm . " Hey ! " Luke protested . Luke instantly stuck the money back in his pocket . Caught off guard by Angel 's physical touch and intense scrutiny , Luke found his emotions out of sync with his brain . He knew he should be angry about Angel 's manhandling , but instead he was pleased with the close contact . He scowled , annoyed with himself , and with Angel . Angel crossed his arms , and said , " What happened to waiting in the car ? What happened to doing what I said if I let you come ? " Luke crossed his arms as well , trying not to let his nervousness show . " I 'm going to do everything I can to find Noah , with or without your help . " " You 're going to get yourself killed ! " " It 's a nightclub , not a deathtrap ! " Trying to placate Angel , Connor said , " You said it was safe right ? So let 's go see what we can find , and get out of here . " The three of them walked into the club , and Luke instantly felt the hairs on the back of his neck standing up . Something was off about this place . It was so dark , he could barley see three feet in front of him . The music was turned down so low , that he wouldn 't have been able to hear it if people had been talking , but they weren 't . He couldn 't even hear people breathing . As he looked around at the faces that were close enough to see , he realized all of their eyes were intently focused on him , and unconsciously took a step closer to Angel . Spike walked up to them from the darkness , and said , " One level . Two large back bedrooms , an office , and two bathrooms . " Spike and Connor both nodded , and walked towards the back together , shoulder to shoulder . Angel held out Noah 's picture to the nearest table of customers and said , " We 're looking for this person . Anyone seen him ? " Angel leaned down into the woman 's face , and made sure his voice was loud enough for the entire room to hear . " He 's not for sale . " He stuck Noah 's picture in her face , " Have you seen him ? " One second Luke was watching Angel 's back , and the next he was staring in Noah 's eyes . He was so startled by Noah 's quick appearance , he took a small step back . As soon as he got over the initial shock , he grabbed Noah in a quick hug . When it wasn 't returned , he backed up a step and said , " Noah ? " Spike and Connor came out of the first bathroom , and saw that Luke and Noah were standing next to each other . Spike whispered to Connor , " Looks like Luke has a type . Tall , dark , and broody . " " Ick . " Connor muttered , and listened closely to the room . The only heart beating , other then his own , was Luke 's . He whispered back , " And vampire . " " I 'm looking for you . Your email doesn 't work , your cell phone is gone , you 're not living in your apartment , and you 're not working on your film . I was worried about you . " " Us ? " Noah scoffed . " Are you kidding me ? There is no us . Go back to pining for your dead doctor . You know , the one you claimed to love even though you never had the guts to screw him . " Luke felt as though Noah had dealt him a physical blow . " How can you say that to me ? Three weeks ago , you told me you still loved me . " Before Luke could respond , Angel stepped in between the two , forcing Noah to take a step back . Luke saw a movement out of the corner of his eye , and realized Spike and Connor were flanking him . Angel turned his back on Noah , and said gently to Luke , " How about we get out of here ? " Noah growled low in his throat , and tapped Angel 's shoulder . " Hey ! We 're having a conversation here . Who the hell are you ? " Angel could feel a shift in the bar 's atmosphere , and realized that Noah had friends here . Things could get ugly fast . Angel turned to glare at Noah . He decided a lie was in order . " I 'm Angelus . " There were a few gasps in the room , and hushed whispers , which made Noah nervous . With a forced look of indifference , Noah said , " You know what ? Never mind . Take him . I never want to see his face again . " When Angel got outside , he saw Connor and Spike leaning against the hood of the car anxiously waiting for him . Luke was already in the back seat , quietly crying . Angel handed the keys to Spike and said , " I 'll sit in back . " Spike gratefully took the keys . Angel said , " I don 't trust Noah . We 'll take him home for the night , so we can keep an eye on him until daylight . " Spike and Connor nodded in agreement . Angel fought the urge to pull Luke into a comforting hug . " No you weren 't . If someone I was close to went missing , I 'd try to find them , too . " Wiping his face again , Luke said , " I thought we were close , but now t 's like he was a completely different person . he things he said to me " L ke 's face twisted in grief . A gel couldn 't take it . H scooted closer to Luke and put an arm around his shoulders . " know . " Too emotionally worn out to resist , Luke rested his head on Angel 's shoulder . He closed his eyes and tried to block everything out . Taking a deep breath , he forced himself to relax , and just enjoy the feeling of being held . At first Angel was surprised when he felt Luke 's head on his shoulder , but he was also pleased . Being able to give Luke some comfort made him feel immensely better . Half an hour later , Spike pulled up to the place they all currently called home , and cut the engine . Luke opened his eyes , and immediately straightened up after looking out the window . " Where are we ? " " You 've had a rough night , and we have plenty of room . " Spike left the keys in the ignition , opened his door , and directed his comment to Angel . " If you don 't need me to chauffeur anymore , I 'd like to get something to eat . " Angel gave Luke a short tour of the house . " There 's one empty bedroom down here , and three empty bedrooms upstairs . Pick whichever you like , they all have a master bathroom attached . Gunn , Connor , and I stay down here , and Spike sleeps upstairs . " Once Luke was alone in the spare room , he sat on the bed , and put his head in his hands . He spent half the night trying to figure out what had happened to the man he thought he had known better then anyone else in the world . He wasn 't able to sleep until he 'd decided what the next step would be . Late the next morning , when Luke woke up , he found the house eerily quiet . Surprised at how long he 'd slept , he got in the shower . While he washed , his mind replayed the events of the night before , and he found himself even more determined to find out what had happened to Noah . After spending most of the evening with Angel last night , Luke was surprised at the way his pulse fluttered when he laid eyes on the man this morning . " Sure , coffee sounds good . " he said , forcing his eyes away . Angel smiled softly at Luke 's reaction , and walked to the kitchen . He poured Luke a cup , and they sat together at the kitchen table . Luke said , " I 'm sorry I slept so late , you could have woken me up . " " It 's okay , I 'm usually not even up this early . How are you doing today ? " " Good . I checked online for flights back to Oakdale . One leaves today at one o ' clock . " Angel looked at his watch and said , " Connor should be home in about half an hour . He can give you a ride to the airport . " " What ? " " I thought about it for a long time last night , and finally it hit me . The only explanation for Noah 's drastic personality change is drugs . " " You don 't know him like I do . The man you met last night , was not the same Noah who left Oakdale three months ago . I don 't know what he was on , but I 'm going to find out . " Angel leaned into Luke 's personal space and glared . " You are going to get yourself killed if you go back to that bar . The people there are dangerous , and they will hurt you . You 're lucky that you got out of there without getting hurt last night . " Luke forced himself not to lean back in his chair , even though it was difficult . He found it disconcerting to be intimidated and attracted to the man at the same time . " I am going back to that bar to find Noah . If you won 't help me , then I 'll do it myself . " Furious , Luke stood up , fished some hundreds out of his pocket , and slapped them down on the table . " Here 's your money ! You 're fired ! " Seeing the truth in this , Angel changed tactics . He sighed and lowered his voice . " You 're right . I 'm sorry . I just have this overwhelming desire to keep you safe . " uke 's eyes opened wide with surprise at the word ' desire ' . Oh . " Luke shook his head . " Sorry , I don 't have time . Since I knew I 'd be in L . A . anyway , I scheduled a meeting for this afternoon . " Frowning , Angel nodded in agreement . Luke pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and called for a cab , looking to Angel when they asked for a pick up address . He hung up , and said , " They 'll be here soon . " A few minutes later , Angel overheard Luke talking to his mother . He was shocked to hear Luke tell her that they hadn 't found any leads on Noah yet . Luke 's lie had been smooth without hesitation , and Angel started to worry . For the next fifteen minutes , Luke 's mother did most of the talking while Luke waited for the cab . When the cab pulled up , Luke got off the phone . Angel 's hand clenched into a fist when he heard Luke give the cab driver the address to the bar . " Damn it ! " He yelled in frustration at the daylight . " What ! Why didn 't you stop him ? " " He lied to me about where he was going , and now he 's already in the sun and in a cab . " Connor started the car . " I 'm on my way , but he 's a lot closer then me . Even if I speed , he 'll get there ten or fifteen minutes ahead of me . " Angel turned to call Spike , and found him standing beside him fully dressed . " Ready ? " Spike asked . " Let 's go , " Angel said with a small smile . It still surprised him to see Spike not only following his lead , but also doing his best to help . The years of fighting a war together had made their bond stronger , even when they bickered . Luke handed the cab driver his fare , and turned to look at the entrance to the bar . He doubted anyone would be there at this time of day , but he had to try . When his first tentative knock was met with silence , he knocked louder . No one answered , and out of frustration , Luke pounded on the door with the side of his fist a few times . He turned to walk away , and heard the door creak open . Turning at the sound , Luke had to squint into the darkness of the building to see the woman who 'd opened the door . She had bleached blond hair , her skin was a sickly pale , and she had dark circles under her eyes . Luke thought she might be in the late stages of cancer . " Hi , I was looking for a friend of mine . His name is Noah Mayer . He was here last night . " " I 'm sorry , I 'm just the cleaning lady , and no one else is here . You 'll have to come back tonight . " Luke didn 't think she was telling the truth . She didn 't appear strong enough to do any cleaning , and she was wearing designer clothes . " Do you think I could come in for just a minute and take a look around ? See if Noah left anything here ? " He saw her frown and quickly added , " I 'd only be a minute . " Her eyes darted behind her , and Luke saw fear on her face . She inched out into the sun and pulled the door most of the way closed behind her . Luke thought she looked even more ill in the sunlight . Her sleeve road up as she closed the door , and he caught a glimpse of some scabs near her wrist . She whispered to him urgently , " Don 't go in . " The door to the nightclub was open a crack , but Luke couldn 't see who was speaking . Gina nervously smiled at Luke , and changed her tone . " Of course you can come in and take a look . Right this way . " She gestured to the door for Luke to go first . Luke stayed where he was for a moment . He thought about Angel basically ordering him not to come here alone , and he thought about the nervousness he 'd felt in the club last night . Taking a small step away from the door , Luke said , " You know what , I think I 'll come back tonight instead . " " Noah ? " Luke asked , not quite believing Noah would be in there , but there was no mistaking his voice . Luke took a step closer , trying to see into the blackness . Any reservations Luke had had flew out the window with those words , and that tone of voice coming from the man he 'd been in love with for three years . Relief rushed through him , and he was certain that his guess had been correct . Noah had been on drugs , and now that he 'd sobered up , he was sorry about the things he 'd said . Luke walked into the club , eyes connecting with Noah 's within seconds . Luke 's first instinct was to hug Noah , but as his body moved forward , he caught the expression on Noah 's face , and stopped in his tracks . There were no traces of guilt or repentance , or even love in that expression . Noah had an unfriendly smirk on his mouth , and his eyes were squinted into a glare . Luke heard the front door shut behind him , and the room was enveloped in blackness . Unable to see much of anything , Luke said , " Noah ? " Luke felt someone grab his shirt near the back of his neck and propel him forward . " Hey ! Get off me ! " he said . He dropped his overnight back while shoving at the person holding him to no avail . " Get off you ? " Noah 's mild tone came from behind Luke . " Why would I do that , when you came all this way just to see me ? " Unsure how Noah had gotten behind him so quickly , Luke craned his neck to see Noah 's face . Noah smiled at him , but that only served to make Luke 's stomach lurch . Noah 's smile grew , and he stuck his face close to Luke 's shoulder and inhaled deeply while they walked . " You smell like fear . " They walked into the main bar , where there were a few candles lit , and Luke could see a little better . Noah stopped walking , but held Luke in place . There were about twenty people in the room with them , and all of them were staring at Luke . A woman took a step towards them and addressed Noah . " Are you sure about this ? " She looked Luke up and down once , " Why all the fuss over one scrawny boy ? " Noah didn 't answer her , knowing it was rhetorical . A shiver went down Luke 's spine as the woman scrutinized him . She turned back to Noah and said , " Angelus is not to be trifled with . If he comes for the boy , he 'll kill you , and we will not try to stop him . " With a glare , Noah said , " You 've made that very clear , Sire . But Angelus won 't come , and Angel has no real claim on him . He 's mine . No one will be coming to rescue him . " Noah didn 't comment . During the pause , Luke asked quietly , " What 's going on , Noah ? " He knew he sounded desperate , but at this point he was too worried to care . Noah kept his eyes on the woman , and didn 't respond . The woman waved him off with a hand and said , " Very well . It 's your funeral . " Luke realized with horror that Noah wasn 't on drugs . It was worse . Noah had joined some kind of cult , and he 'd been brainwashed . Luke hissed at the woman , " I don 't know what you 've done to him , but you won 't get away with it . " Grabbing Luke in a tighter grip , Noah walked him into one of the small back rooms , and closed the door behind them . There was only one candle lit in the room , and Luke had trouble seeing much , but he could make out the shape of three beds . Noah gave him a small shove , and let go . Luke stumbled forward and fell onto a bed face first . Before he could get up , Noah had flipped him over onto his back , and crawled on top of him . They were face to face , with Noah straddling Luke 's legs . Luke looked up at his former lover , and pleaded , " Talk to me , Noah . Tell me what 's going on . " Luke turned his face away from the touch , not wanting to mix the good memories of the last time they were in bed together with this awful moment . He demanded , " Tell me what 's going on . Who are these people ? Why aren 't you working on your film ? " " Why make a movie when you can live one ? " While they were making eye contact , Noah allowed his face to change into vampire form . Shocked and frightened , Luke gasped , and tried to push his body away from Noah . Noah tightened his grip and said , " What 's the matter Luke ? Scared ? " " Nothing . " Noah leaned down and touched his nose to Luke 's neck , smelling the blood under the surface mixed with the fear Luke was giving off . " This is my new face . The old Noah is dead and gone , and soon you will be too . " Bringing his head back up , Noah smiled and let Luke get a good look at his teeth . " You 're not human , " Luke said , more to himself than to Noah . Noah leaned down and whispered into Luke 's neck . " You will . I 'm going to keep you here with me until you do . Drinking from you each day , keeping you too weak to struggle , until you beg me to end it . " Changing tactics , Luke reached a hand up and cupped the side of Noah 's face with his hand . " I know you still love me , Noah . I love you too . Please let me go , and I 'll find a way to get you help . " Glaring in anger , Noah hissed , " I 'll never let you leave . " Leaning down , he sank his teeth into Luke 's neck . Luke screamed in pain , and tried pushing Noah away . Before Noah could get a second swallow of blood down , the door to the room burst open . Angel rushed at them with a stake in his hand . Noah jumped up to fight . Noah was no match for the older vampire . Within seconds , Noah found himself shoved up against the wall with his feet off the ground , Angel 's hand choking his throat so he couldn 't speak . Angel said , " I told you he was mine . Biting him was a mistake you won 't get to make twice . " He raised the stake up over his shoulder , ready to strike . Angel hesitated , and turned to Luke . Luke was still plastered against the wall with fear , and a few drops of blood slid past the fingers on his neck , but he shook his head no . Angel turned back to Noah , and saw that he had changed his face back to human form , and understood . Angel turned back to Luke and said , " He 's not human . " " I know but " uke didn 't know to explain it , but he couldn 't let Angel kill Noah , even if it wasn 't exactly Noah anymore . Against his better judgement , Angel whispered in Noah 's ear , " You touch him again , and I won 't let you live . " Angel stabbed the stake into Noah 's stomach instead of his heart , and let him drop to the ground . " Noah ! No ! " Luke rushed towards them , but Angel caught him before he could get to Noah . Angel said , " He 's fine . " " In the stomach not the heart . " Luke looked down at Noah , who was groaning with pain . Noah pulled the stake back out of his stomach , and let it clatter to the floor . " How do you know that won 't kill a vampire in real life ? " Luke tried to take a step away , fresh fear coursing through his veins , but couldn 't get out of Angel 's grip . Angel pulled him close , so they were nose to nose , and said , " I told you it was dangerous here . I told you I 'd bring you tonight . And instead of listening to me , you lied to me ! Why ? " Angel glanced at Noah , who was now sitting up against the wall . Even though he was in pain , Noah had a smirk on his face . Noah had only been a vampire for a few weeks , and he clearly remembered being human and belonging to the vampire who had become his Sire . Their relationship had been based on terror when he was human , and it wasn 't that much better now . Noah had very quickly , and painfully , learned to obey her every command without question until he was turned . And he could tell Luke wasn 't terrified of Angel . Noah muttered , " He 's not yours . " Angel knew that Luke wouldn 't be safe from Noah unless he put on a show of ownership for Noah 's benefit . Regretting that he hadn 't pulled Luke out of there before talking to him , Angel changed back to his human face , and focused on Luke . " I 'm sorry . " " Like it or not , I 've claimed you as mine , and in vampire society that means something different than it does in human society . As far as everyone here is concerned , you have no rights . If you didn 't belong to one of us , you 'd be like a cheeseburger with a sign that said free food . But because I 've laid claim to you , you 're more like a stray dog with no collar . I say you 're mine , but Noah has challenged that claim by marking you with his bite , so I can either kill him , or prove he 's wrong by marking you myself . " Luke didn 't want to believe the things Angel had just told him , but not listening to Angel had gotten him into this mess to begin with . He looked down at Noah who appeared to be feeling better by the second , and realized Angel had been right about the stake to the stomach . Frowning , he thought about how he 'd felt watching Reid die , and knew he couldn 't watch another man he loved die , even if that man wasn 't human anymore . He turned back to Angel , and let his hand drop away from his neck , showing his trust and willingness . " Okay , then you 'll have to mark me . " " No , " Angel said , " not in the same place " He tore a small corner off the bedspread next to them , held the cloth to Luke 's neck , and put Luke 's hand back up to cover it . " Keep direct pressure on it to stop the bleeding . " " Okay . " Focusing on Luke 's neck , Angel scowled . " You lied to me about where you were going , and put yourself in danger . I 'm really not happy with you . " Angel shook his head , thinking that didn 't do them much good now . He took Luke 's free arm in his hands , vamped out again , and said , " This will hurt . " He leaned down and bit the sensitive skin on the inside of Luke 's upper arm . Luke involuntarily tried jerking his arm away from the pain , but Angel held him fast , and bit down harder , making sure all of his teeth sank into the flesh a few centimeters . Luke 's eyes watered , and he hissed in pain while Angel took a few swallows . Wincing in sympathy , Angel licked the wound so it would heal , and let go . Focusing on Noah , he said , " I claimed him first , and now I 've marked him . Your claim is null and void . " Wondering if he should be ready to fight , Angel grabbed Luke 's wrist in his hand to keep him close , and to show possession . " Just because I 'm not cruel , doesn 't make Luke any less mine . " Noah frowned , but knew it was true . He didn 't try to stop them when they walked out the door . In the main room , Luke saw Spike and Connor standing back to back in the center of the room . They were both holding weapons , and cautiously watching every move the vampires in the room made . Angel pulled him along , until they were standing in front of Connor . Angel said , " Connor , take Luke home . We 'll meet you there . " Connor nodded , grabbed Luke 's wrist , and pulled him towards the front door . Luke almost stumbled over his own bag in the entranceway . Connor said , " Sorry , I forget you can 't see in here . " Keeping a hand on Luke , and making sure no one was around to attack , Connor leaned down to pick up the bag . He quickly got them out into the sunlight , let go of Luke once they were out . Squinting , Luke held his hand up to block the bright sun while his eyes adjusted , and followed Connor to a car . Connor unlocked the passenger side first , tossed Luke 's bag in the back seat , and said , " Get in and make sure to keep pressure on your neck . " Luke got in and as he was buckling up , he noticed that the wound on his arm was already starting to scab over . When Connor got in , he saw Luke staring at the little puncture wounds that formed a circle on his inner arm . " What ? " After a short threatening conversation with the female leader of this particular nest of vampires , Angel and Spike left the way they 'd come . On the way to the bar , they 'd run through the sewer tunnels , but now that the emergency was over , they walked single file , with Angel leading the way . Angel couldn 't stop thinking about what he 'd done to Luke , and the more he thought about it , the more he regretted handling things the way he had . When they were half way home , Spike heard Angel sigh , and knew he was brooding . " The guilt 's set in then has it ? " Spike leaned against the sewer wall , and lit up a cigarette . " Yeah , he could have gotten killed , but he didn 't know that . All he had to go on was your word that it was dangerous , and he barely knows you . He didn 't know how serious it was until it was too late . " Spike took a long drag on his cigarette . " True . But if you 'd been honest with him last night , he probably wouldn 't have done this behind your back . And you could have marked him with a sock to the jaw , but you didn 't . " " You think I don 't remember the first time you bit me ? You think Dru didn 't tell me about the first time you bit her ? You bit him in the same spot because you wanted to mark him as yours in front of everyone . You 're attracted to him . " The sewer entrance was in the basement , and as soon as Angel opened the door , he could hear Connor 's voice up in the living room . " Before I had my new memories things were different between us . " Angel froze , not wanting to alert them to his presence in the house yet , and Connor continued . " I tried to kill him more then once . I physically attacked him every chance I got , and he was forced to fight back . He 's stronger , so he always beat me . " " Beat you ? " Luke 's voice asked . Angel felt sick . He had nightmares about that day , and often wished he could go back in time to do things differently . He felt Spike 's hand squeeze his shoulder in comfort . Connor said , " To be fair , I was going to kill him and his friends , and I don 't hold it against him . In fact I 'm grateful he stopped me from killing one of them . " " Grateful ? " Luke asked . There was a lull in the conversation , and Angel closed the sewer door loud enough for Connor to hear it . Connor 's voice from upstairs said , " We 're in the living room , Dad . " While Spike and Angel came upstairs , they heard movement above them . Angel came in first , and saw Luke standing uncertainly next to the couch , while Connor sat in an armchair . There was an awkward pause , until Connor stood and said , " I cleaned out the wound on his neck and bandaged it up . It didn 't need any stitches , and from what I can tell he didn 't lose much blood from either bite . " Spike waved him away with a hand . " I 'm on London time . What do you say Connor ? Have a beer , maybe play some pool ? " Connor looked at Luke , wondering if he 'd want to be alone with Angel so soon after that confrontation at the bar . Luke 's eyes were glued to the floor , his heart rate was up , and he kept tapping his thumb on his thigh nervously . Connor made eye contact with Angel , who gave him a small smile and a nod . Reassured that Angel would do everything in his power to help Luke feel better , Connor smiled at Spike , and said , " Sure , but you 'll have to buy me lunch too , I 'm starving . " Spike groaned as they two of them headed back to the sewer entrance . " You eat enough for three people your size . You need to learn to drink more and eat less . " " Such a Boy Scout . Haven 't I taught you anything these past three years ? " Connor chuckled . " Yeah , you 've taught me all kinds of things not to do . " Every instinct in Luke 's body told him to take a few steps back to keep out of the vampire 's reach , but he forced himself to stay put . He tilted his chin up a notch and said , " I feel fine . I don 't need anything . " Angel could hear Luke 's heart pounding , increasing in tempo the closer he got . He took the last step that separated them , and put a hand on Luke 's shoulder . Squeezing gently , he said , " It would make me feel better if you 'd take something . " Any residual fear he 'd felt towards Angel went away with the gentle touch . The word , " Okay , " slipped out of Luke 's mouth before he could stop it . Once he realized what he 'd said , he frowned . He hated the way his body reacted to Angel 's mere presence . Angel gave him a soft smile and said , " Why don 't you lie down and relax for a few minutes , while I get you some Tylenol . " Luke watched Angel walk down the hall , and then looked over at the couch . He didn 't want to admit it , but lying down was exactly what he wanted to do . He hurt all over . The pain in his neck and arm weren 't the only problems . His muscles ached from struggling and being manhandled by both Noah and Angel . His knees felt wobbly with the effort to keep himself up when he thought about vampires being a reality , let alone thinking about Noah being one . Before Angel came back , Luke gave in and went back to the same position he 'd been in before Angel had arrived home . When Angel came back carrying a couple of pills and a glass of water , he found Luke lying on his back on the couch , with his eyes closed . Angel sat on the coffee table by Luke 's head and said , " Here . Take these . " Luke propped himself up on one elbow , and held his hand out for the pills . Once he 'd swallowed them , he handed the glass back to Angel , and lay back down . " Thanks . " After a pause , Luke said , " You 're a vampire , you were 26 when you were turned , but you 've been a vampire for over 250 years . When you were first turned you called yourself Angelus , and you were evil . Then you were cursed with a soul , and became Angel . " Looking away , Angel nodded again . Luke could see the pain in Angel 's face and decided not to go into detail with the rest of the story . " And for the past three years you 've been fighting a war against evil . " When Angel made eye contact again , the younger man said , " That 's all . " " Noah is a vampire . That means he has no soul . He may look like Noah . He may sound like Noah . He may even have the same memories as Noah . But he is not Noah , because his soul is gone . That means he 's dangerous , especially to you . " " Over the years I 've met hundreds of vampires . None of them had souls , and all of them had strong reactions to the people they loved when they were human . They either hated the people they loved , in which case they tortured and killed them . Or they loved them so much they couldn 't be without them , and turned them to vampires as well . Either way , you 're in danger . " Luke bit his lip not wanting to believe Noah was lost to him forever . " But how can you be sure ? You haven 't met every vampire . " With understanding , Angel said , " I know , because I 've talked to other demons , and humans who have studied vampires through history , and everyone has found the same thing . I know , because I 've changed humans into vampires , and it 's always the same . I know , because I remember the things I did as Angelus , and I am incapable of doing the things he did . " Luke closed his eyes , and tried not to cry . He felt Angel 's hand on his shoulder , and heard his voice . " I 'm sorry . I wish there was something I could say , or something I could do to make it easier for you . " Luke pushed his back up against the couch , away from Angel , and said , " Three months ago I was in love with a man named Reid . We had just started a relationship when he was ripped away from me in a car accident . I can 't lose Noah too . I just can 't . I won 't . " Angel 's eyes softened . He 'd tried to deny his growing attraction to Luke , but after hearing that , he couldn 't do it anymore . He cupped Luke 's face in his hands and said , " After everything that 's happened , you still want to help him . " Luke nodded . Angel leaned in and kissed his forehead , and then locked eyes with him . Angel said sincerely , " I 'm sorry for your loss . For both of them . " Luke had been ready for anger , and had no defense for the gentle kiss , or the kind understanding Angel had just given him . Feeling his eyes fill with tears , he bowed his head . After smelling the tears , Angel pulled Luke into a hug . Luke wrapped his arms around Angel too , and Angel situated himself onto the couch , so that he was sitting next to Luke , and held him while he cried . Quite a while later , when the tears tapered off , Luke was too exhausted to move off of Angel 's shoulder . Angel handed him a few tissues , and after he 'd wiped his face , Angel said , " Close your eyes and rest for a while . " " Gross . " Connor 's face showed his distaste . Spike saw a flash of hurt in Angel 's expression , and felt the need to defend him . He said to Connor , " You 're disgusted ? You don 't get to be disgusted , you slept with Cordelia . " Not liking Angel 's expression , Spike sighed dramatically . " Fine . I 'll apologize . " He turned to Connor , and saw sorrow etched in his downcast face . Feeling bad about it now , he said softly , " I shouldn 't have brought her up . I know you loved her . " Angel stood and said , " What the hell , Spike ? " Spike was uncomfortable with Angel 's tone of voice , especially now that Luke was awake to hear it . He mumbled , " First the beating comment , and now the homophobic rubbish . I just wanted to remind him that none of us are free from guilt . " Neither vampire answered him . Angel went over to Spike , put a hand on his shoulder , and said quietly , " I 'm glad that we 're close now , and it 's nice that you 'd want to defend me like that . But Connor just needs some time to get used to it . Making him feel bad about the past isn 't going to help . " Before Angel could answer , Spike said , " I went through the Demon Trials to get my soul back . " Luke stood up and said excitedly , " That 's the answer ! Noah can get his soul back , too . " Spike and Angel both shook their heads and started to talk at the same time . Spike said , " I barely lived through " nd at the same time Angel said , " It 's not that easy to " They both stopped , and Spike gestured for Angel to go ahead . Angel said , " Noah was just turned . Spike had over a hundred and fifty years of fighting practice before attempting the Demon Trials , and he was willing to do whatever it took to complete them . Noah isn 't anywhere close to ready for that , and it 's doubtful that he 'd even want to . " " Well that 's the answer ! " Luke said , " We can have Willow curse Noah too . " Angel started to shake his head , so Luke added , " I can pay her . " The more Spike thought about it , the more he liked the idea , and wondered why none of them had thought of it before . " Yeah , but it 's worth a phone call to find out . If Buffy gets a whole army of Slayers , I don 't see why we can 't have an army of Vampires with souls . " Shaking his head , Spike said , " I 'll follow your lead in battle , and I 'll even still let you play Sire when I 've done something I 'm ashamed of , but you don 't get a say in who I can and can 't call . Willow is my friend , and was even before I got the soul back . I talk to her at least once a week , and I 'm not going to hesitate to call her just because you don 't like what I might have to say . " After a short pause , Spike decided to forgive him instead of punching him in the jaw , and got out his cell phone . He hit a speed dial number , and put the phone to his ear . While he was waiting for someone to pick up he said to Luke , " You 're a bright one , thinking outside the box . I like that . " Spike focused back on the phone and said , " Hey Red , how 's tricks ? " as he headed up the stairs . While Angel was warming the pizza up in the microwave , Luke sat down at the kitchen table . He leaned his elbows on the table and his eyes immediately went to the bite mark on his inner arm . It was much more painful than the wound on his neck , even though it appeared to be healing better . When Angel brought the pizza to the table , Luke looked up at him with resentment . Having seen Luke 's intense focus on his arm , Angel knew what the look was for . He set the pizza down in front of Luke , and sat down across from him . He said quietly , " I 'm sorry . " Angel reached across the table , and put his hand over Luke 's . He rubbed his thumb over the back of Luke 's hand and said , " For earlier today . I want to try and explain . " Angel said , " I 'm not just physically attracted , I 'm also attracted to the type of person you are . Coming here to find Noah , even though you 're not with him anymore , and going back to the bar to try and help him even after he 'd said such cruel things to you the night before , are the acts of an altruistic person who 's determined to do the right thing . I find that admirable . But because of that attraction , I also have an overwhelming urge to protect you . When I heard you giving that cab driver the address to the bar , I was sure that you 'd be dead before I could get to you . " Stifling the urge to lean over and kiss Luke , Angel settled for squeezing his hand once . " When I saw Noah biting you " ngel broke eye contact and continued , " I didn 't realize it at the time , but I was jealous . A d I know I had no right to be , but there it is . I was worried about your wellbeing , I was upset that you 'd lied to me , and I was jealous that Noah marked you . T en when you said I should mark you too , I just " He locked eyes with Luke again and said , " I marked you as mine , but it wasn 't just for show . I m ant it . " s o Frowning , Luke slid his hand out from under Angel 's and leaned back in his chair while he thought that over . Angel leaned back as well and said , " When one of my family members is in danger , even if it 's danger they put themselves in , I get overprotective . I had to mark you somehow to get out of there without a fight , but I could have just as easily slugged your shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise . " " Then I 'm sorry for that too . " Angel stood and said , " I 've got to go check on Connor . Take your time and eat in peace . There 's soda and beer in the fridge if you want it . " Half an hour later , Luke was pacing the living room , wondering what to do with himself , when Spike came down the stairs . " What did she say ? " Luke asked . " Great . " Luke sat down on the other side of the couch , leaned his head back , and closed his eyes . Spike saw Angel coming out of Connor 's room , and stood up , wondering how the kid was . Spike shoved his hands in his pockets and muttered , " Willow says hey . " Once Spike was in the sewers , Angel turned to Luke . " Looks like we won 't have an answer from Willow for a while . That means we need to make a decision . " Angel sat down next to Luke on the couch . " I want you to stay with me , but that 's not what I think you should do . You should get as far away from me as possible . " Tentatively , Luke put his hand on Angel 's thigh and said , " I 'd like to stay . " Luke leaned into the touch , and said , " Are you sure ? " In answer , Angel kissed him softly on the lips . He pulled back long enough to look into Luke 's smiling face , and then leaned down to kiss him more passionately . The kiss sent a rush of pleasant shivers through Luke 's whole body . His hands found their way into Angel 's hair , and he felt Angel 's hand on his back pulling him in closer . A few minutes later when they broke apart , Luke was breathing hard , and tingling all over . " Wow . " Angel let his hands drop back into his own lap , but kept eye contact . " Noah could be a serious threat to you if you stay in town . He may only be able to come out at night , but there are plenty of humans willing to do a vampire 's bidding for the right price , and that nest was one of the biggest ones that I 've seen in LA . That means Noah has powerful friends , and he wanted to turn you . Until I 'm sure he 's not a threat , you 'll need me , or one of my team , to be with you any time you 're not here in the house " Luke broke eye contact , and thought that over . He didn 't like it , but he had to admit that Noah was scary now , and the idea of ending up back in that bar made him shudder . With a nod he said , " Okay . " Surprised at how happy those words made him , Angel started kissing him again . As they kissed , Angel maneuvered their bodies on the couch , so that Luke was lying on his back , with Angel 's body covering most of his . Their hands were busy exploring each other 's bodies , when Luke 's cell phone rang . Angel pulled away . With an apologetic smile , Luke grabbed his cell phone and looked at the number . " It 's work , " he muttered , and pushed himself back into a sitting position before answering . " This is Luke , how can I help you ? " There was a longer pause , and Angel could tell from the younger man 's expression , that something had gone wrong . " Okay , let me make some phone calls and get back to you . " Luke hung up and turned to Angel . " Sorry , looks like this is going to take a while . " Angel kissed his forehead . " It 's okay , we 'll have plenty of time to pick up where we left off later tonight . " He stood up and added , " Make yourself at home while you 're here . You can set up your laptop at the desk here in the living room , or if you need privacy , you can use the desk in your room . The rooms are soundproofed to human ears , but Spike , Connor and I will still be able to hear most of what you say , but we try not to listen . " " Not at all . If you want to stay here and work tomorrow , one of us will stay with you . Or if you 'd rather come to the office with us , you can use Spike 's desk . " " Okay , thanks . " Luke 's cell phone went off again . He looked at the caller ID before answering . " Hi Mom eah , I know , she just called me . " e headed into his bedroom to get his laptop . Frowning , Connor glanced over at Luke . He didn 't want to stay home when there was a case to work on , especially if it meant he was stuck babysitting his father 's potential boyfriend . Angel could see the argument forming in Connor 's head , and cut it off before it could start . " Noah may come after him , so for the next week or two Luke can 't be alone , and I haven 't had time to go over the basics with him on how to keep himself safe if he finds himself alone with Noah . " " Thanks . " Angel squeezed his shoulder , and then turned to Luke . " It 's already getting dark out , so the two of you need to stay in the house . " Connor rolled his eyes when he saw the worry crease in his father 's forehead . " Jeez Dad , brood much ? I 've been on protection detail a million times . We 'll be fine . " He waved his hand towards the door and said , " Go . " Feeling better about it , Angel walked to the weapon cabinet , and got out a sword . When he turned around , he saw the shock on Luke 's face , as he scanned the sheer volume of weapons they kept on hand . Angel said to Connor , " And maybe a short explanation for the kinds of jobs we usually get . " Seeing Luke 's face , Connor nodded in agreement . Angel walked to Luke , and put a hand on the side of his face . " I know it 's a lot to take in one day . " Connor turned away as he saw Angel 's lips touch Luke 's , but kept his distaste to himself . A few seconds later , Luke and Connor were alone in the living room . An uncomfortable silence filled the room . Luke was the first to speak . " I 'm at a good stopping point with my work if you want to go over that vampire information with me . " Happy to have something to focus on , Connor said , " Sure , this is a good time for me too . Are you hungry ? We could see what 's in the house for dinner while we talk . " At one o ' clock in the morning , a bedraggled trio came home through the front door covered in gunk . While the three took off their shoes in the entranceway , Angel said to Gunn , " After we shower , you clean the weapons . " He turned to Spike , " You clean our clothes , and I 'll clean the car . " The two gave weary nods , and started taking off their clothes , stacking them in a pile for Spike to get later . When Spike took his shirt off something clattered to the floor . He picked it up , and held it up the tooth for the others to see . " Either of you want a souvenir ? " Once the three were down to underwear , Gunn and Spike headed to their rooms to shower . Wanting to check on both Luke and Connor , Angel sniffed the air , and listened for heartbeats . Once he assured himself that both of them were at least safe in the house , he went to shower off . An hour later , Angel was done cleaning the gore out of his car , and came in to find that Spike and Gunn had already finished their portion of the cleaning , and gone to sleep . He walked to Connor 's door , and listened for a few seconds . The steady heartbeat and even breathing told him Connor was asleep . He went to Luke 's door to listen , but instead of a steady heartbeat , and even breathing , he heard movement . Then Luke moaned , and said , " No . " Angel knew there was no way Noah could get into the house without being invited , and he also knew Connor would have gone over that with Luke , but the image that flashed in his mind was Noah biting Luke again . He opened the door a crack , and saw Luke alone in the bed . He appeared to be asleep but having a bad dream . Angel went in and shut the door behind him , not wanting to wake the others up , which could be difficult to do in a house full of super hearing beings . Sitting on the edge of Luke 's bed , he reached out and touched his shoulder . " Hey Luke , you 're dreaming . " Jerking awake , Luke was disoriented for a few seconds . He sat up halfway , propping himself up on his elbows and mumbled , " I was back at the bar . " He shuddered , and his eyes scanned the room , checking to make sure of his surroundings . Brushing the hair from Luke 's eyes , Angel said , " You 're safe here with me . " " Well we got home about an hour ago , but we had a lot of cleaning to do before we could call it a night . Then I came to check on you , and when I saw you weren 't sleeping peacefully , I thought I 'd come wake you up . I hope that 's okay . " " How did it go tonight ? " Angel hoped things hadn 't been too awkward for either of them . Luke smiled , " Connor and I got along fine , probably better than either one of us expected . " " Your fathers ? " Angel asked , feeling a little uncomfortable . He wasn 't sure that he wanted them bonding over something that had to do with him . " I wasn 't raised by my biological father either . " Angel raised his eyebrows in surprise . Luke said , " I was adopted and raised by Holden Snyder . He 's a lot like Connor 's dad , Laurence . They 're both honest , hard working family men . My biological father , Damion is the polar opposite . He lies , cheats , and manipulates everyone to get what he wants . Thank goodness I didn 't have much contact with him while growing up . " " When I first came out to my parents , my dad , Holden , was amazingly supportive . Even when he wasn 't entirely comfortable with my being gay , he never made me feel bad about myself because of it . But Damion e tried talking my mom into sending me to one of those camps that promises to turn gay kids straight . e was ashamed of a basic part of what makes me , me , and it 's a part of me that I have no control over . hen I was telling Connor about that last night , he said that Holtz always made him feel ashamed that he was part demon , even though it is a basic part of what makes him , him . " Angel shook his head . He didn 't have the same faith in himself that Connor apparently had . Luke took Angel 's hand in his . " And he seems genuinely happy when he talks about his life with you now . " Luke brought the hand up to his lips , and gently kissed the back of Angel 's hand . " Thanks for waking me up . " He turned Angel 's hand over , and kissed the palm . Angel leaned in and kissed Luke gently . Luke put his hands on the back of Angel 's head , and pulled him in closer , turning the kiss passionate . After a few minutes of serious kissing , Luke was lying flat on his back , with most of Angel 's upper body pressing him down into the mattress . Angel pulled away when he felt Luke 's hand slipping under his tee shirt . He desperately wanted to keep going , but forced himself to say , " I should go , so you can get some sleep . " " Are you sure ? " Angel asked . " I mean I want to stay , but I also want you to be sure . " Luke thought of all the chances he 'd had with Reid , and wished he could have just one of them back to do differently . He wasn 't sure where things were going with Angel in the long run , but he knew where he wanted things to go tonight . " I 'm sure . Please stay . " Angel sat up long enough to pull his shirt off , and Luke took his off as well . Angel paused a few seconds to let his eyes roam over Luke 's body . Luke did the same and trailed a finger over Angel 's shoulder . Angel leaned down and trailed his tongue from the center of Luke 's chest , over to his right nipple , pausing to suck on it gently . He felt the vibrations under his lips when Luke moaned , and trailed his tongue over to the left side to do the same . When he pulled away , Luke 's breathing was rapid . Angel stood and took his pajama pants off along with his boxers , and stood still while Luke looked him up and down . After getting his fill , Luke tossed the covers off , and reached down to take his underwear off , but his finger 's stalled when they hit the elastic . He looked into Angel 's face and whispered nervously , " Noah is the only other person I 've been with . " Angel felt a rush of excitement at those words . Inexperience had always been a turn on for both Angel and Angelus , though for very different reasons . With a grin , Angel crawled on top of Luke and whispered in his ear , " That only makes me want you more . " Connor got up feeling better than he had the day before . Hanging out with Luke last night had helped him feel a lot more like Connor Reilly , and a lot less like the Destroyer . And making the connection between Holtz hating him for being a demon , and Damien hating Luke for being gay , made Connor realize that his own initial reactions to Luke had been wrong . He walked past Luke 's door , and stopped in mid stride when he realized his father 's scent was just as strong as Luke 's behind Luke 's door . The smell of sex was heavy in the air . Connor 's lip curled back in disgust automatically , but he forced the expression off his face a second later , thinking about Luke 's sadness the night before when he talked about his father , Damion . And when Connor thought about it logically instead of emotionally , he didn 't begrudge his father a little happiness after all the things they 'd suffered through over the past three years . Once he had talked himself out of being upset , he walked the rest of the way down the hall . When he got to the kitchen , Connor was surprised to see Spike sitting at the table with a mug of blood , and decided it was the perfect time for some revenge . He got a bowl of cereal and sat down across from him . " Hey . " Spike said . " We both have annoying little sisters that we love even though they 're annoying . We both have more than one father . Neither of us was raised by our biological father , and we both had one father who hated something about us . " It only took a millisecond for Spike to realize what Connor was implying , and lunged for the boy , intending to put him in a headlock until he took it back . Expecting the attack , Connor evaded Spike 's grasp , and took off running for the front door . He made it out into the morning sunlight in record time , and turned to laugh at Spike . Spike smiled , but it wasn 't pleasant . " Yeah , you enjoy the sun while you can , college boy . " " I will , thanks . " He got his car keys out of his pocket , and said , " I 've got to get to class . See you in a few hours . " Luke woke up , and felt something cold next to him . His eyes popped open , and he saw Angel 's face directly in front of him . Remembering last night , Luke smiled as he stretched , and mumbled , " Morning . " Forty - five minutes later , Luke was eating scrambled eggs at the kitchen table , and Angel was debating getting himself a mug of blood . He didn 't think Luke would be disgusted if he drank a mug of blood , but the subject of him feeding hadn 't really come up . After Luke had taken a couple of bites of the breakfast Angel had made him , he thought about asking if Angel was going to have any , and quickly realized the answer to that would be no . " What ? " Angel asked . " Did you find a shell in your eggs ? " Luke realized he 'd paused with his fork half way up to his mouth . " No , they 're great . I was just thinking about your breakfast . " The two made eye contact , and Angel said , " There 's pigs blood in the refrigerator . I usually have it in a mug that I warm up in the microwave . Will that bother you ? " Believing him , Angel got out some blood for himself . The two ate their breakfasts in companionable silence . When Luke was done , he got up and put his plate in the sink . Angel turned in his chair and asked , " Did you want to come into the office with me today , or would you rather stay here with Spike ? " Grinning , Angel walked over and invaded Luke 's personal space while putting his empty mug in the sink . He wrapped his arms around Luke 's middle , and said softly , " No promises , " before leaning in to kiss him . Angel could hear Gunn walking towards the kitchen , but didn 't stop what he was doing , wanting Gunn to find out sooner rather than later . Gunn stopped in his tracks , and just stared , trying to process what he was seeing . When the kiss ended , Angel said , " Morning Gunn , " without turning to look at him . Angel gestured to the table , and the two men sat down . He said , " I 've lived a long time . In my human years I was only with women . About twenty years after I was turned , Darla said she wanted to invite another man into our bed . I was very against the idea at first . But then when I saw who she had in mind " ngel looked down at the table and said , " He was human , barely sixteen . e did horrible things to him . ept him alive for days even when he begged for death . e was my first male . e 'd done similar things to hundreds of girls before that , but he sticks in my head . fter that I never denied her when she asked to bring a male home . " Angel brought his eyes up to meet Gunn 's . Gunn nodded in understanding . He 'd met Angelus . He knew how cruel he could be , and wasn 't surprised . Angel continued , " Then when I first had my soul back , I couldn 't bring myself to sleep with anyone for years . But because I lived in the allies and sewers , I constantly ran into lost souls trying to find a moment of happiness in their miserable lives . I was always able to refuse until I met a kid named Phillip . He was in his early twenties , and he 'd been living on the streets for three years as a prostitute . I found him in an ally beaten and bleeding . It took everything I had not to eat him when I smelled the blood . I picked him up to take him to a doctor , but he begged me not to , so I took him back to the abandoned barn I 'd been sleeping in . I helped him recover , and once he was healthy he was grateful . tried to resist , but after months of him following me around , I eventually gave in . " The room grew silent for a few seconds while Gunn mulled this new information over . Having had some time to recover from his initial shock , he said , " It will take some time to get used to the idea , but I can get past you liking men . But what 's with you and Luke ? He 's a client . We just met him . " " I know . I could hear and smell his attraction to me the instant we met , and after spending some time with him , I felt the same way . I could have resisted , but I didn 't want to . " With a sigh , Angel said , " We 've been over this before . Just because I have sex with someone doesn 't mean it 's a moment of perfect happiness . I didn 't turn into Angelus when I slept with Phillip . " Leaning forward , Gunn said , " I know that , but that kiss I just saw ? That wasn 't a one night stand kind of kiss . And the way your face looks when you talk about him ? That 's the look of a man falling in love . " Angel looked down at his hands on the table , knowing Gunn had a valid point , even if he didn 't want to admit it . Quietly he said , " I know things may get to that point at some time in the future , but it 's no where close to that yet . He 's still got feelings for Noah , and he was in love with someone else three months ago . It 's not going to be perfect any time soon . I want to wait until we hear from Willow before I talk to Luke about it " Luke woke up , rolled to the side , and reached a hand out for his lover . Finding the bed empty , he sat up and looked around . The clock on his nightstand read 7 : 08AM . Thinking it was odd that the vampire would be up before him , Luke got up , got dressed , and went out into the living room . He found Spike and Noah sitting on the couch together watching a black and white movie that he didn 't recognize . He said , " Did you guys stay up all night ? " Noah stood and gestured for Luke to follow him into the kitchen , where they would be less of an annoyance to the older vampire . Luke hesitated . He hadn 't been alone with Noah since that night at the bar , even though Noah had had his soul back , and been living at Angel 's house for over a week now . Knowing he couldn 't put it off forever , Luke forced his feet to move forward . Luke 's head snapped back up , " What ? No , of course not , Noah ! " He stepped closer to Noah , and pulled him into a tight hug as proof . " Don 't ever think that , okay ? " Some tears ran down Noah 's face while he hugged Luke back , but he hardly noticed . He 'd done a lot of crying over the past week and a half . " But after the things I did to you . . . " Luke kept his hands on Noah 's shoulders , but pushed him away far enough to look into his eyes when he said , " That wasn 't the real you . I know that . I knew it , even before I knew what was wrong with you . " " Then why ? " Luke let go of Noah 's shoulders , and walked over to the kitchen counter to start making himself some coffee . " Because of Angel . " Leaning against the counter , Luke said , " I guess I felt guilty . I came all the way out here , and hired Angel to find you , because I was worried about you . And then while you were going through the most traumatic experience in your life , I was falling in love with someone else . " Noah made eye contact and said , " I want you to be happy Luke . I still love you . You know that . But I can 't be with anyone right now , and I want you to be happy . If Angel makes you happy , then you should be with him . " Noah leaned against the counter too , and shrugged . " Okay I guess . Does it seem weird to you ? You haven 't really said much about it . " " Right before Willow came to curse your soul back into you , Angel and Spike sat the rest of us down and tried to explain it to us . They said that all new vampires have a kind of instinctual need for a Sire for a few years , but if they lose their real sire , that need is somehow intensified . I 'm not saying it 's not weird to see you being so submissive to him , because it is . ut better Spike than your real Sire . " Staring off into space , Noah whispered , " I still miss her . She 's cruel , she 's violent , she 's immoral , and I hate her . But a part of me misses her too , even though I know I could never tolerate being around her now . It 's not something I ever felt while I was human . I can 't describe it very well . It 's not a sexual feeling , and it 's not the same feeling I would have for a parent . It 's something else . " " I 'm sorry you miss her . " Noah made eye contact and smiled softly . " Don 't be . I feel the same way about Spike , and he 's someone I can actually look up to and have respect for . The fact that we both love movies has made the transition easier . And I haven 't had that much time to think about her with all the training we 've been doing . " Trying to make Luke feel better , Noah said , " Pleasing him makes me happy , so I guess you could say I like the training . Spike said I 'm already fairly good at it . Probably thanks to a childhood with Colonel Mayer . " Luke nodded and sipped his coffee . " Gunn , and I are going to go visit some of the homeless shelters in the area , so I can decide which one the foundation is going to donate to . Connor may come too if he gets out of class early enough . Then tonight , Angel said he 'd take me out to dinner . " " Yeah , he 's " oah trailed off . is eyes opened wide with surprise , and they darted to the kitchen door . uke looked behind him , but couldn 't see anything there . Luke saw Noah wince as if he 'd been hit , even though the voice had been mild . Forgetting that Luke was even in the room , Noah whispered , " I 'm sorry Sire . I forgot . " " Didn 't mean to what ? " Luke asked . Both vampires ignored him . Spike walked up to Noah , and gently carded his fingers through Noah 's hair . He said softly , " I know you didn 't mean to , and you stopped yourself before you did , but if you hadn 't heard me stand up , you might have . " Luke heard an inhuman and pitiful whine come from Noah 's throat . Spike kissed Noah 's forehead and said , " I am unhappy with you . You may not watch the rest of the movie with me . I 'll think about forgiving you when I 'm done watching it . " Spike got the pigs blood out of the refrigerator , and put a little in his coffee before taking a sip . Trying to be patient , Spike said , " So , Angel is my grandsire , and my new little childe feels the urge to please him almost as much as he feels the need to please me . He 's distraught when he realizes he isn 't making us happy . " They 'd been over this more than once , and Luke had seen enough of Noah 's behavior to know it was true , but it was still difficult for him to accept . " Okay , then why didn 't you reassure him , and tell him he was forgiven right away ? " Glaring , Spike raised his voice , " Having your soul shoved back down your gullet will do that to a man . Crying all day over nothing is a better way of dealing with it than the things I did . " Spike cocked his head to the side and listened as his childe 's weeping got louder . He said to the doorway , " Noah , turn some music on , and stop trying to listen to me . " Once he heard some music playing , Spike invaded Luke 's personal space and growled at him . " This argument is making it worse for him . " Swallowing hard , Luke backed up against he kitchen counter . Spike whispered , " Don 't muck around in things you don 't understand . You wanted him to have his soul back , but that doesn 't make him human again . I 've got a blood bond with him now , and I 'll do with him as I see fit . You will stay out of it , or we 'll move out for a few years . " Spike stormed out of the kitchen , muttering about grumpy grandsires who should mind their own business , and went to finish watching the movie with his crying childe in the room they were currently sharing . Once Spike was out of the room , Luke felt like he could breathe more comfortably . Angel pulled Luke into a hug , and said , " Sorry about that . " " Pretty damn quick . " Angel agreed , and let go of Luke . " Come on . Let 's head to the office before we end up in bed again . "
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Tiny Guy has a tongue tie . He 's getting it fixed on Friday . Hopefully , no more gaping flesh wounds ! ! ! ! And he should be less gassy as well . They don 't necessarily think of tongue tie in a baby who has grown like him . By the way , at 8 weeks , he is a bit over 14 pounds . Almost 5 pounds gained since birth . Fat boy . We had The Boy 's birthday party today , and it was such a success ! It was supposed to have been outside , but honestly , it worked out better to have it indoors . I do wish that the weather had been nice enough for the swingset but we 'll get to that eventually . Maybe tomorrow if it isn 't raining . All the grownups got along , and it was a good mix of people . All the kids were wonderfully behaved , got along famously , and played with ALL of The Boy 's toys . One of my friends from WAY back came to the party , with husband , kids , and her mom ! My mother was thrilled . They 're good people . They even helped us with cleanup after the party was over . I demolished my diet today but will resume at least a moderate version of the anti - thrush diet tomorrow . The biggest thing I think I 'll change is that Ezekiel bread is now allowed . And if I go out to breakfast , so is corn beef hash . Dairy is still off the list . And I 'll continue to watch my sugars . I feel somewhat better as far as nursing is concerned but I don 't know how much of it has to do with the diet and how much has to do with the fact that Tiny Guy really is calming down , and that I can now tell if he is actually hungry or if he is playing . This morning it took pumping , calming by Grandma , AND change of position to get him to eat well . Today / this week , he likes to lie on his stomach across someone 's lap and listen to Mommy sing the Polecats . And Daddy singing bass ( but Mama sings lead , at least in this song , and bonus points for getting the reference ) . Who knows what will make him happy next week ? I went to another La Leche League meeting , and it was just lovely . It 's the best place to be with Tiny Guy when he is fussy because I can actually get help or at least sympathy , and no one gives me dirty looks , and he is not disturbing my husband or The Boy . It 's also the best place to go to get help on many things mommy that may or may not relate directly to nursing the baby . The first time I went , I learned that I could nurse in the sling but that I had to tighten it to keep baby secure and maintain the latch . The next time , one of the leaders showed me that I could carry Tiny Guy in an upright position on my hip , which is much more comfortable . I didn 't know that such a young baby could be carried that way but she carries her son that way all the time . This evening , this same lovely person watched with empathy as Tiny Guy spent much of the meeting in fussy - nursing mode . This is where he is hungry but he fusses too much and swallows air , necessitating burping every 3 - 5 minutes . I thought that perhaps the diet change and ditching the vitamins for now would alleviate that problem , and it 's much better , but he still does it , especially in the evening . She recommended that I turn him all the way to his side , facing me , when he is about to eat . Belly to belly . Also , interestingly , she said that her son gets fussy like that in the evening and what works for them is for her to nurse standing up and walking around , usually using the sling . I love the fact that I can go to these meetings and talk about nursing and mothering and everyone has similar ideas . That said , I 'm probably not as AP ( attachment parenting , also sometimes known as crunchy ) as some of the moms . I really go back and forth about how AP I want to be . For example , The Boy is transitioning out of our bed and into his at night and even sometimes for naps . Of course , as I write this he is watching Elmo with my mother in the guest room and will probably not spend a moment in his own bed . It is just too crowded , and he will eventually get a much better night 's slPosted by Tiny Guy isn 't fond of napping in his bassinet . Surprise . He is quite keen on napping in his carseat . Oddly enough , he seems to like napping on his playmat . Very strange . I put him there , played with him a bit , and then went to do dishes . When I returned , he was asleep . He is on and off sleeping and playing and has been for the last 40 minutes . Perhaps I need to get some sort of mobile that he can bat at in the bassinet and maybe he 'll actually sleep in there ? The Boy is visiting with his uncle this evening while Musical Daddy is in rehearsal . Since we had thought we 'd be in the hospital , we had asked for help in the evening . Help came instead to the house in the form of " Cousin " J , a very good friend who went to college with one of my sisters and happens to live very close to the hospital ( and has a lot of connections in the area ) . I guess Tiny Guy knew that he was later than expected because he fell asleep in the sling and stayed that way until Cousin J arrived . I was able to eat my dinner in the meantime , not worrying much about when he 'd wake up ( my mom said that babies tend to wake up to eat as they hear the food being served ) . So we puttered around the house doing some straightening as Tiny Guy finished sleeping . While Cousin J organized the linen closet , I sorted laundry . At this point , Tiny Guy woke up wanting to eat and I figured , why not go for it and keep him in the sling ? I have had varying degrees of success over the past few days with Tiny Guy 's meals to go ( as in , him nursing without me being anchored to a chair ) , and this time it worked famously . After he finished eating , Cousin J took him for a walk , and I did some cleaning . My dresser and nighttable are now clear and a few other odds and ends around the house are taken care of , and I did a cursory mopping of the floor in our room ( hard to do when the laundry is still there ) . Sometimes that 's all we need , either at home or at the hospital , is an extra person to entertain the children while we get things done , or to help us do some things that we may not otherwise get to . Working backwards , since it has been days since I 've posted : The Boy was supposed to go in for chemo on Monday . Actually he was SUPPOSED to go in last Wednesday or Thursday . But the platelets still have not recovered . That is due to a combination of extended time on Neupogen and the fact that sometimes the platelets just take longer to recover after Carboplatin . We had a whole team lined up to assist in the hospital , only to have to tell thPosted by A beach . And sometimes something that sounds a bit like " beach " but isn 't . I 'll talk about that first . The Boy is not making counts for chemo . He was on Neupogen for too long , causing his platelets to stay too low . Furthermore , his hemoglobin is really staying low , not recovering at all . Part of that is the Vasotec , one of the BP meds . But his bone marrow is really shot . The Wilms Tumor email listserv has been a great resource . I have been able to ask lots of questions and learn from other parents who have gone through what we have . The parents have children in various phases of the journey . And one of the things that sticks out in regards to The Boy 's protocol , called the Stratum - C ( not sure why ) , is that many people didn 't finish it but still are off treatment and NED . As in , no evidence of disease at each scan . One girl just finished the entire thing , and people on the listserv were responding with congratulations of course and remarking that so few people finish it . I had heard that before , and I asked The Boy 's docs if he will complete the protocol . They said that he will . If that 's the case , we won 't be done until the beginning of 2011 at least . Not with all the delays and him being on medicine that screws with his bone marrow in addition to the chemo drugs . If chemo does not start on Monday due to hemoglobin being too low and him needing yet another tranfusion , we will have to postpone or cancel his birthday party . Cancer sucks . But on the beach side of things from my title , we went there yesterday ! ! ! ! We drove to Sandy Hook , leaving at 4 : 30 - ish and arriving about an hour later , even factoring in a feeding stop for Tiny Guy . It was a great time to go in that it wasn 't too hot and the sun wasn 't too bright . The Boy was slightly less freaked out than last year but still very attached to Daddy . Daddy was great , though , doing an excellent job trying to acclimate The Boy to the sand and water . Tiny Guy really enjoyed the ocean sound . He likes the outdoors , if I haven 't mentioned that a few times . We packed dinner . SmMolly I have two boys , each asleep in his own bed . I don 't know when and if I 'll be able to replicate this but the way it went down was that Tiny Guy fell asleep nursing at 8 : 30 . I put him in bed figuring I 'd get 5 or 10 minutes , but amazingly enough , he stayed asleep . Meanwhile , I did the bedtime thing with The Boy , except instead of snuggling in our bed , I was in his bed . He was less comfortable and more resistant to sleep . I wasn 't . I actually fell asleep with him around 9 : 45 . A call from Musical Daddy woke me but not him , and I was able to get out of his bed without disturbing him . The evening was okay but really felt like a workout . I had been on a walk with Tiny Guy earlier and was still a bit sweaty from that , but it was just nonstop with these boys . Until now . The Boy and Tiny Guy each had their moments of crankiness over the course of the evening . Of course , Tiny Guy 's eating had improved all day , but he saved his more fussy behavior for this evening . The Boy actually started feeling better as the evening went on . Until he slipped getting out of the bathtub . I had been keeping a more careful eye on him this evening as his balance seemed to be a little off . Isn 't irony a kick in the head . Anyhow , he was fine as I observed him . Of course the first thing he wanted was to watch Elmo . We finished watching Elmo 's Potty Time , which we had started earlier . By the way , I did catch him making poo and put him right on his potty . Even though he didn 't actually go in the potty , he did stay on there for awhile . Later on , he sat on the potty fully dressed . I don 't know if he did anything substantial at that point . As I said - - I don 't care quite yet if he is fully trained but I would love it if he 'd pee on the potty or in a cup so that he doesn 't have to wear a bag for urine samples . Those are annoying . Amazingly enough , I was able to give each boy a bath this evening . Can 't bathe them together until Tiny Guy can sit up reasonably well . Not that The Boy would really want company in there as he has taken up swimming in the tub . I alsoPosted by I am starting a diet . I have thrush , for which I am being treated medically , but it will do me no good to treat the symptoms if I don 't get to the root of the problem . I am going for a slightly looser version of this plan . I 'm sure that I will also lose weight on this regimen , but my motivation isn 't weight loss . I don 't think I 'll be " cheating " because the impetus for not cheating is that I get to heal the flesh wounds faster and have a happier baby . It 's amazing how looking at a cookie can bring on the idea of pain . So I 'll stick with this for a few weeks , very strictly , and then perhaps I can phase in some things that had been off the list . I went to visit Postpartum Place as per my doctor 's advice , to purchase some ointment . Lanolin doesn 't do it for me ; this other stuff by MotherLove just might . It 's a lovely little place . I had a great chat with the lactation consultant , who advised me to look into dietary changes in the first place . We also discussed some of the issues that we have with Tiny Guy and how we really think that spending all that time under lights instead of being close to us has caused some of his fussiness problems . She said that in speaking with someone who specializes in jaundice , he doesn 't even like to use lights until the levels are REALLY high . I also told her that the hospital was pushing formula on me right and left ; she said that New Jersey is rather pro - formula because the pharmaceutical companies are right here . Interesting . The grocery stores were today 's destinations . I was discovering , as I tried to find things to eat , that so much of what we have is incompatible with my diet . Surprising , since we do eat well , but things like wheat , corn flour , soy , and basically anything packaged or with sugar are not allowed , and fruit is to be limited in favor of vegetables . I can have all the meat and eggs I want , thankfully . I may try to talk Musical Daddy into following my diet with me . He 's been griping about his physical condition anyway . The details of The Boy 's CT scan can be found here . I Posted by The Boy and Daddy are dozing on the chair . I wanted toride my bike to the health food store . Tiny Guy just doesn 't want to settle down . I fed him and then moved him . That was 20 minutes ago . Now he is sleeping , but facedown on me . I was slowly patting his back , which generally soothes him if he isn 't crazed . Do I move him and risk waking him ? Or do I give in to the temptation of a nice afternoon nap with a tiny boy blanket ? Nap , bike later , maybe even with The Boy . This morning , we went for a walk to the diner and the Farmer 's Market . The Boy 's white count is , hopefully , on its way up , although we were very careful about hand - wiping and not letting him touch too much stuff . I bought some extra veggies because I 'd really like to make a habit of eating them . Raw , even . Tiny Guy was complaining on the way there but fortunately fell asleep . I 'd just as soon not bring a screaming infant into the diner if I can avoid it . He woke up as we were finishing at the market and was HUNGRY . I fed him by the fountain in the middle of town . Musical Daddy took The Boy to the bank , which wasn 't open , so we had to go back after Tiny Guy was done eating . When we got home , we ALL napped . Truly a rare treat . It seems as though I spend a lot of time feeding Tiny Guy . Fortunately , at some point , it gets better . He will get faster at eating and will settle down in general . In the meantime , it 's a good thing he 's cute . Anyhow , we had lunch at home and went to Nomahegan Park to walk the trail . I 'm feeling much better because I 've been walking a lot . I am looking forward to getting back into a lifting routine . It 's been years , but I figure that if I mention it on my blog and talk about it from time to time ( and this also feeds into Facebook so I get lots of readers ) , it will be motivation enough for me to keep it going , at least as often as I can . One of my blog buddies , JC , has been involved in competitive fitness but is taking time off from that to care for her daughter who has another type of kidney cancer called Rhabdoid Tumor . Have I mentioned that cancer sucks ? Srsly . Now we 're home . Perhaps later this evening either Musical Daddy or I will take The Boy for a bike ride . I like outside . It 's pleasant . Even though it 's hot . I get cabin fever pretty easily , and it appears that Tiny Guy has acquired that flaw as well . If it is a flaw at all - - some people just like to keep moving ! The Boy has taken on so many of Musical Daddy 's character traits already . By default , I am mostly in charge of Tiny Guy becausePosted by Clearly Tiny Guy has really special poo that just wants to stick to everything . I think that it changes at some point . It has to . Unless even his bowel movements are stubborn to match the rest of him . In any case , I had to rewash about half of the diapers . I don 't remember ever having this issue with The Boy and his cloth dipes , but then , he wasn 't in them until he was 2 . 5 months old , and perhaps the poo turns a little more into liquid . Right now it is ( gross alert ) yellowish colored grease balls . Score one for Logical Mommy - - both boys are asleep downstairs in the stroller . Tiny Guy was asleep when we left for our walk ; The Boy only just fell asleep a few minutes ago . I am using this time to rest a bit and catch up on email / blog / message boards . Then I 'm going to pull the clean diapers down off the line . I am starting to think that Tiny Guy and I might have thrush , which is the reason why I 'm not healing well and he is such a fussy nurser . I 'm going to call my doctor , his doctor , and since I have an appointment on Monday anyway , I 'll have her take a look and see . Again , add to the list of things I don 't need . Although who 's to say what I need - - maybe I 'm supposed to be punished . Again and again and again . But sometimes it can come back around . It 's funny how things happen . Here is Musical Daddy 's take on the subject . Blood and platelets Monday . Same today . White count also not much better . Trending slightly upward at least but still well under 1 , 000 . Long boring day . Hopefully we 'll make it back up for chemo next Wednesday . I 'm not too worried , at least in terms of white count . It will either happen or not . . . and the Neupogen actually works in terms of getting whites back up in time so let 's hope it does the trick again . Tiny Guy let me clean the kitchen pretty well this morning . Didn 't do the floor yet . Saving that for this evening if / when he 's mad . Posted by The following things happened yesterday : Both boys actually napped at the same time . The Boy did not throw up at all yesterday and ate four meals . I successfully nursed Tiny Guy in the sling while eating dinner and serving dinner to The Boy . Right there , those are major events in our house . The second one needs no further explanation . The first one , if I may elaborate , went as follows : Tiny Guy was in the front carrier , where I put him while he was happy so that he would get used to being in it . He started to fuss . Musical Daddy recommended running the vacuum cleaner because it might calm him down . It did . So now I 'll be running the vacuum more often , I suppose . He fell asleep in the carrier , and I was actually able to transfer him successfully into his bassinet . With Tiny Guy in bed , I could concentrate on The Boy . He was also pretty tired . We read " The Monster At The End Of This Book " and he was getting sleepy , so I brought him into bed . It didn 't take long before he , too , was asleep . Observe : So I got to finish putting away laundry and relax a bit . We went for a quick walk to the library , and we got home just about in time to avoid the big rainstorm . The Boy napped again , with Daddy , and then on his own . I made dinner . Musical Daddy left for marching band rehearsal . I had dinner with The Boy and Tiny Guy was crying . I figured I 'd put him in the sling to make him feel better but that I 'd keep on eating . He was positioned just fine for nursing , and it seemed like he was hungry , so on he went . And it worked ! He ate for nearly half an hour while I had hands free to do the things I needed to do . He is so cute . I brought the boys to the end of the rehearsal , to show them off . The Boy enjoyed himself , looking at the instruments and conducting . Daddy took him while I went shopping at Trader Joe 's with Tiny Guy . He started to scream in the car on the way home , so priority number one after getting home was to feed him again . He also spent most of last night in his bassinet . He had a feeding at midnight and another at 4 , then wasPosted by Unless everything is perfect , there is no way for me to put the two kids to bed at the same time . Tiny Guy doesn 't have bedtime yet , which we will work on . The Boy has a decent bedtime routine with me , but it doesn 't work as well with a fussy Tiny Guy who is nursing but needs to burp every three minutes . Before this , it was a nice evening . Sadly , I feel like Tiny Guy is just going to cry no matter what until he feels ready to eat nicely . So I had him in his bassinet , fussing on and off , some crying and some not , while I focused on The Boy . I even tried to talk The Boy into sleeping in his own room , which should work but doesn 't when Tiny Guy is screaming nearby . So back in our bed . . . on goes The Poetry Show after a call to Grandma asking how to pit the kids to bed . We got settled back in , and Tiny Guy was actually ready to nurse . Now , The Boy is asleep and Tiny Guy is close to it . I wonder if I could actually get him to sleep in his bassinet with no fuss . Next task is to plot out home and hospital needs , and bedtime ideas . Anyone have bedtime ideas for little tiny people ? Posted by On Sunday evening , Elana and her family stopped by on their way to a wedding . They have twins . My living room was full of babies : which was amusing . The Boy didn 't feel like hanging out with the babies , so he and Daddy played outside while the twins had a changing and feeding stop . I hadn 't met Elana before . Furthermore , we haven 't really played much Jewish Geography , so I don 't yet know who she knows ( other than a cousin of mine on my father 's side ) . Here we are : And here is a photo of The Boy cleaning the floor : Gross alert : The past several days , The Boy has thrown up sometime around dinnertime . He has always been otherwise fine afterward and ready to eat lighter fare like applesauce or Rice Chex . Don 't know what the deal is here . We are trying to be more careful with him and cutting him off after an approximate amount of food , because we have a feeling that there is something screwy with his ability to feel full . It used to be that he was very good at that , and if he wanted to eat a lot it was because he was very hungry , and it was fine . But then , we were pretty careful today and stuff just came up . Whole . The Boy is going to the center tomorrow . He almost certainly will need platelets and probably will need red cells as well . Might be a long day . Meanwhile , Tiny Guy has some odd swelling on his penis . Almost like a blister but it doesn 't look much different from the skin . We called the pediatrician who told us to put some Bacitracin on it a few times and to call him tomorrow if it is still a problem . Which I 'm sure it will be , so we 'll take two cars and I 'll probably be taking the little one to see the doctor . Good times . End gross alert . My parents were here from Friday at 1AM until Sunday at 2PM . We had a wonderful weekend . Usually when my mother is here , The Boy is in the hospital . This time , they actually got to have fun . Tiny Guy seems to like my dad a lot . One of his major jobs was to make sure that Tiny Guy got his walks and his outside time . Grandma was in charge of his naked time . The thing about Tiny Guy and his raging - - which was really not so bad today - - is that sometimes it seems as though he forgets what he is mad about and he needs something to distract him from being mad . So if we put him down and take his pants off , or if we take him outside , sometimes he just gets over it . Of course , he is also hungry frequently . Here 's the other thing : there are always discussions about breastfeeding on demand and how nursing moms will just feed the kids at the first squawk . I don 't know about your nursling , but mine won 't ePosted by Musical Daddy 's birthday was yesterday , but we were waiting for my parents to come into town . We got a cake to be eaten today . My parents ordered a nice dinner for us , to be delivered from the Kosher store . I got a cake for him . The dinner was fantastic , and we were going to have cake a bit later . He wasn 't feeling marvelous all day anyway . To be expected at this point in the chemo cycle . The Boy had two colossal pukes today . When it happens , recently , he brings up a LOT of liquid . It 's odd . It 's as if he isn 't even processing it . He has to be processing some liquid , because he 's peeing . He had normal meals , though . And snacks . Some things made it through and some did not . This evening , he fell down the stairs . We live in a bi - level , so it was half a flight . Not as bad but not good . He was dragging a Boy - sized suitcase behind him , the gate wasn 't closed , and he just went the wrong way . Musical Daddy and my father took him to the hospital . Currently , they are on their way back . The Boy seemed to have no major injury except a knock on his head that made him mad but wasn 't otherwise affecting him . . . as in , he was still watching TV and naming numbers , he didn 't show any signs of trouble in his eyes . They were considering a CT scan if his platelets were really low but they weren 't low enough for them to be as concerned . He didn 't throw up after hitting his head either ( not that there was much left in his stomach anyway ) . So he was very shaken up but is okay . . . nevertheless we 'll be watching him very carefully . We never did eat our cake . I think they are just getting home . My parents arrived at about 1AM . Tiny Guy woke up not long after and of course my mother swooped in and grabbed him . I fed him , and then she changed him and took him again . I don 't have any problem with Grandma getting some of those baby snuggles . The Boy was up a few times but was easily resettled . Now , at a bit after 7AM , I 'm awake . Tiny Guy was awake but fell back asleep on my lap . And everyone else is snoring . I guess Musical Daddy doesn 't snore too much , but The Boy does to an extent . Not that you can hear it over the sawing that my parents are doing . But as wonderful as they are , they can snore all they like . I wish I were still sleeping but I 'm . . . just not . Fortunately , with my parents being here , I don 't have to worry about being able to grab a nap at some point . My father can take the boys for a walk ( it 's been over 2 decades since he 's handled a double stroller ) . I figure that with there being 4 adults and 2 children in the house right now , someone can generally catch a nap . Last night the boys and I went to see Musical Daddy direct his chorus at a gazebo concert . You 'd think that taking two children to an outside show , where they don 't really need to be quiet , would be easy , but it certainly was not . The Boy had a good time , except that he frequently wanted to try and go get Daddy , which of course he wasn 't allowed to do . But he was able to play with the guys before the show and even go on the playground . . . which I really didn 't want because his white count isn 't fabulous but hand wipes are a good thing . Tiny Guy was hungry but didn 't necessarily want to eat well . So he was mad for much of the evening . And eating frequently . I saw one of the chorus teachers from school . He said that it 's hard to believe that school is starting soon . I told him I wished I was coming back to school but circumstances being what they are , it wasn 't happening . He didn 't realize that I 'm actually on leave and am slated to return in the fall of 2010 . I think I will , too , even though The Boy will not quite be done with treatment . I 'll nPosted by We decided to go for it and take the boys to Sesame Place yesterday . We were a little bit apprehensive about The Boy 's physical well - being . He wasn 't great about keeping his food or drink down at home . . . but since this was likely the last good counts day for awhile , we didn 't want to waste it . We brought a few changes of clothes , the Clorox wipes , his SPF outfit ( which is actually a swimsuit ! ) and whatever else you normally bring when you travel with little tiny kids . We arrived at the park after 3 , meaning that we paid the " twilight " price . This is the best thing to do when your kids are under 4 or so . Under 2 is free , so only Musical Daddy and I had to purchase tickets . We got an orange armband for The Boy , meaning that we didn 't need to wait in line for anything . They are very kind to families with medical issues . Someone asked us about it , and my response was , " you really don 't want an armband . " I 'd rather wait in line than " earn " the armband but we are dealt certain cards . Anyhow , there wasn 't much that required waiting in line that we actually did , but it 's good to know that the option is open for us , not to have to worry about it . The Boy seems overwhelmed , but in a good way , at seeing his favorite " people " brought to life . He got a photo with Grover , Elmo , and Abby . Daddy got kisses from Elmo , as did Tiny GuyThe Boy rode on the carousel at the beginning and near the end of the visit , once with each of us . We would have all gone , and one of us would have sat on the bench with Tiny Guy , but we had to take pictures ! One of the highlights of the visit was the " Elmo 's World " show . They took the format of " Elmo 's World " from the end of Sesame Street and brought it to life , complete with Mr . Noodle 's nephew Mr . Noodle . It had basically the same segments and was about the same length of time . In addition to being able to sit right up front for the show , Tiny Guy was the baby in the " Elmo will ask a baby " bit , and he even got the question right ! The question was " How do you pretend to be a fish ? " and he was making thPosted by The Boy went to bed with little fanfare . Except that to accomplish that feat I had to leave Tiny Guy in his bed and he was NOT happy about that . There has to be a better way . End result is that The Boy fell asleep at 8 : 30 while I was singing to him and nursing Tiny Guy . After getting off the phone with my mother , I put Tiny Guy back in his bed , asleep . Then my mom called . She worries about me . Unfortunately , in order to reach the phone , I ended up twisting my already - sore back . I took some Ibuprofen after talking with her ( thank goodness that stuff is categorized as safe for nursing moms because Tylenol isn 't going to cut it with this back pain ) . I 'm not usually one for taking a bunch of medicine but I have to believe that this one will do the trick . I still hear Tiny Guy fussing around in there . Not crying or even making much noise but I hear little grunts and I just know that he 's awake . " They " say that the best thing to do is to put babies to sleep in their own beds when they are drowsy but awake , so that they can fall asleep and wake up in the same place and the same state of being . I guess this issue doesn 't really apply when your kid sleeps with you . Or when both do . I would just really like it if he 'd be able to sleep in that little bassinet sometimes . For the space issues , and so that we didn 't waste our money on the thing , if nothing else . When Tiny Guy sleeps for a long stretch in the middle of the day , usually it is in his carseat , because he had fallen asleep on a walk or even in the car . I have never tried to move him from the carseat to his bed , because I don 't want to ruin his nap . But he stays asleep for hours in that carseat . He stays asleep for a long time in the sling but can 't really be put down because he wakes up once that happens . Hmmm . . . I don 't hear him , so maybe he is asleep after all . . . nope , I heard another little noise . . . We are hoping to go on a major excursion tomorrow afternoon . We want to go to Sesame Place as an early birthday present for The Boy . And because it is probably his last good Posted by I 've resigned myself to the fact that Tiny Guy is just going to cry all the time . He nurses whenever he wants but sometimes he is done , as he indicates by unlatching , pulling really far , or just screaming . Then he screams some more . A diaper change sometimes helps . Sometimes not . Tonight at dinner The Boy puked up everything he had eaten . Fun stuff . Tiny Guy was already screaming . And of course continued to do so as I cleaned up the mess . The Boy wasn 't happy either . He is now just fine . He wanted applesauce . And Tiny Guy was fed again and was screaming until just now . It 's a good thing The Boy has patience . Tough morning at the center for counts . I figured that I 'd take both boys , because that 's what I 'll be doing frequently , and Musical Daddy wanted to go into work . I have two very high - needs children and it is pretty darned difficult to do for both at the same time . So I have to figure out ways to balance things out . For example : Rule 1 : never pick up The Boy while nursing Tiny Guy unless it is in the recliner at home . Picking him up anywhere else causes back pain . And further injury . Rule 2 : there are people at the center who would be perfectly willing to hold Tiny Guy for a bit , who is generally cranky in the morning . Let them . Rule 3 : don 't feel guilty about the fact that the baby cries . It 's louder to the person holding him than it is to anyone around me . Rule 4 : find a way to get the results of blood tests sooner . So we can leave sooner . And show up early for the same reason . Rule 5 : when possible , don 't show up alone . Two boys and me means that I am outnumbered . So now I 'm sitting here with a sore back and hoping that Tiny Guy will sleep a little longer before waking up to eat . I have had almost no time to sit at the computer and update . It 's been crazy in the house with two children who both need LOTS of things . The Boy is okay . Still not back to his normal self . Granted , he hasn 't been himself for the entire month of July . Or half of June , or much of May , or the end of April . While in the hospital this last time , he ate very little . Once he got home , he did decide to eat . Yesterday 's diet consisted of mostly fruit . Not great for the kid who has already been pooping too much . Tiny Guy had his 1 month checkup , albeit a bit early . He is 11 pounds 1 . 5 ounces and 23 inches tall . Big dude . He is clearly eating well although I 'm still having trouble off and on in the nursing department . Oddly enough , he has decided that he will sometimes take a bottle from me , and pumping is much less painful than a hungry little nursling on open wounds , so he 's been having bottles today . We found the right bottle nipple for him , which is the same one that The Boy preferred as a little one . Has to be the rubber Nuk nipples . Not the clear silicone ones . But anyhow , a large chunk of the day like this will hopefully allow me to heal properly . So much for the quiet . . . but just to summarize , everything is kinda okay for now .
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Tiny Guy has a tongue tie . He 's getting it fixed on Friday . Hopefully , no more gaping flesh wounds ! ! ! ! And he should be less gassy as well . They don 't necessarily think of tongue tie in a baby who has grown like him . By the way , at 8 weeks , he is a bit over 14 pounds . Almost 5 pounds gained since birth . Fat boy . We had The Boy 's birthday party today , and it was such a success ! It was supposed to have been outside , but honestly , it worked out better to have it indoors . I do wish that the weather had been nice enough for the swingset but we 'll get to that eventually . Maybe tomorrow if it isn 't raining . All the grownups got along , and it was a good mix of people . All the kids were wonderfully behaved , got along famously , and played with ALL of The Boy 's toys . One of my friends from WAY back came to the party , with husband , kids , and her mom ! My mother was thrilled . They 're good people . They even helped us with cleanup after the party was over . I demolished my diet today but will resume at least a moderate version of the anti - thrush diet tomorrow . The biggest thing I think I 'll change is that Ezekiel bread is now allowed . And if I go out to breakfast , so is corn beef hash . Dairy is still off the list . And I 'll continue to watch my sugars . I feel somewhat better as far as nursing is concerned but I don 't know how much of it has to do with the diet and how much has to do with the fact that Tiny Guy really is calming down , and that I can now tell if he is actually hungry or if he is playing . This morning it took pumping , calming by Grandma , AND change of position to get him to eat well . Today / this week , he likes to lie on his stomach across someone 's lap and listen to Mommy sing the Polecats . And Daddy singing bass ( but Mama sings lead , at least in this song , and bonus points for getting the reference ) . Who knows what will make him happy next week ? I went to another La Leche League meeting , and it was just lovely . It 's the best place to be with Tiny Guy when he is fussy because I can actually get help or at least sympathy , and no one gives me dirty looks , and he is not disturbing my husband or The Boy . It 's also the best place to go to get help on many things mommy that may or may not relate directly to nursing the baby . The first time I went , I learned that I could nurse in the sling but that I had to tighten it to keep baby secure and maintain the latch . The next time , one of the leaders showed me that I could carry Tiny Guy in an upright position on my hip , which is much more comfortable . I didn 't know that such a young baby could be carried that way but she carries her son that way all the time . This evening , this same lovely person watched with empathy as Tiny Guy spent much of the meeting in fussy - nursing mode . This is where he is hungry but he fusses too much and swallows air , necessitating burping every 3 - 5 minutes . I thought that perhaps the diet change and ditching the vitamins for now would alleviate that problem , and it 's much better , but he still does it , especially in the evening . She recommended that I turn him all the way to his side , facing me , when he is about to eat . Belly to belly . Also , interestingly , she said that her son gets fussy like that in the evening and what works for them is for her to nurse standing up and walking around , usually using the sling . I love the fact that I can go to these meetings and talk about nursing and mothering and everyone has similar ideas . That said , I 'm probably not as AP ( attachment parenting , also sometimes known as crunchy ) as some of the moms . I really go back and forth about how AP I want to be . For example , The Boy is transitioning out of our bed and into his at night and even sometimes for naps . Of course , as I write this he is watching Elmo with my mother in the guest room and will probably not spend a moment in his own bed . It is just too crowded , and he will eventually get a much better night 's slPosted by Tiny Guy isn 't fond of napping in his bassinet . Surprise . He is quite keen on napping in his carseat . Oddly enough , he seems to like napping on his playmat . Very strange . I put him there , played with him a bit , and then went to do dishes . When I returned , he was asleep . He is on and off sleeping and playing and has been for the last 40 minutes . Perhaps I need to get some sort of mobile that he can bat at in the bassinet and maybe he 'll actually sleep in there ? The Boy is visiting with his uncle this evening while Musical Daddy is in rehearsal . Since we had thought we 'd be in the hospital , we had asked for help in the evening . Help came instead to the house in the form of " Cousin " J , a very good friend who went to college with one of my sisters and happens to live very close to the hospital ( and has a lot of connections in the area ) . I guess Tiny Guy knew that he was later than expected because he fell asleep in the sling and stayed that way until Cousin J arrived . I was able to eat my dinner in the meantime , not worrying much about when he 'd wake up ( my mom said that babies tend to wake up to eat as they hear the food being served ) . So we puttered around the house doing some straightening as Tiny Guy finished sleeping . While Cousin J organized the linen closet , I sorted laundry . At this point , Tiny Guy woke up wanting to eat and I figured , why not go for it and keep him in the sling ? I have had varying degrees of success over the past few days with Tiny Guy 's meals to go ( as in , him nursing without me being anchored to a chair ) , and this time it worked famously . After he finished eating , Cousin J took him for a walk , and I did some cleaning . My dresser and nighttable are now clear and a few other odds and ends around the house are taken care of , and I did a cursory mopping of the floor in our room ( hard to do when the laundry is still there ) . Sometimes that 's all we need , either at home or at the hospital , is an extra person to entertain the children while we get things done , or to help us do some things that we may not otherwise get to . Working backwards , since it has been days since I 've posted : The Boy was supposed to go in for chemo on Monday . Actually he was SUPPOSED to go in last Wednesday or Thursday . But the platelets still have not recovered . That is due to a combination of extended time on Neupogen and the fact that sometimes the platelets just take longer to recover after Carboplatin . We had a whole team lined up to assist in the hospital , only to have to tell thPosted by A beach . And sometimes something that sounds a bit like " beach " but isn 't . I 'll talk about that first . The Boy is not making counts for chemo . He was on Neupogen for too long , causing his platelets to stay too low . Furthermore , his hemoglobin is really staying low , not recovering at all . Part of that is the Vasotec , one of the BP meds . But his bone marrow is really shot . The Wilms Tumor email listserv has been a great resource . I have been able to ask lots of questions and learn from other parents who have gone through what we have . The parents have children in various phases of the journey . And one of the things that sticks out in regards to The Boy 's protocol , called the Stratum - C ( not sure why ) , is that many people didn 't finish it but still are off treatment and NED . As in , no evidence of disease at each scan . One girl just finished the entire thing , and people on the listserv were responding with congratulations of course and remarking that so few people finish it . I had heard that before , and I asked The Boy 's docs if he will complete the protocol . They said that he will . If that 's the case , we won 't be done until the beginning of 2011 at least . Not with all the delays and him being on medicine that screws with his bone marrow in addition to the chemo drugs . If chemo does not start on Monday due to hemoglobin being too low and him needing yet another tranfusion , we will have to postpone or cancel his birthday party . Cancer sucks . But on the beach side of things from my title , we went there yesterday ! ! ! ! We drove to Sandy Hook , leaving at 4 : 30 - ish and arriving about an hour later , even factoring in a feeding stop for Tiny Guy . It was a great time to go in that it wasn 't too hot and the sun wasn 't too bright . The Boy was slightly less freaked out than last year but still very attached to Daddy . Daddy was great , though , doing an excellent job trying to acclimate The Boy to the sand and water . Tiny Guy really enjoyed the ocean sound . He likes the outdoors , if I haven 't mentioned that a few times . We packed dinner . SmMolly I have two boys , each asleep in his own bed . I don 't know when and if I 'll be able to replicate this but the way it went down was that Tiny Guy fell asleep nursing at 8 : 30 . I put him in bed figuring I 'd get 5 or 10 minutes , but amazingly enough , he stayed asleep . Meanwhile , I did the bedtime thing with The Boy , except instead of snuggling in our bed , I was in his bed . He was less comfortable and more resistant to sleep . I wasn 't . I actually fell asleep with him around 9 : 45 . A call from Musical Daddy woke me but not him , and I was able to get out of his bed without disturbing him . The evening was okay but really felt like a workout . I had been on a walk with Tiny Guy earlier and was still a bit sweaty from that , but it was just nonstop with these boys . Until now . The Boy and Tiny Guy each had their moments of crankiness over the course of the evening . Of course , Tiny Guy 's eating had improved all day , but he saved his more fussy behavior for this evening . The Boy actually started feeling better as the evening went on . Until he slipped getting out of the bathtub . I had been keeping a more careful eye on him this evening as his balance seemed to be a little off . Isn 't irony a kick in the head . Anyhow , he was fine as I observed him . Of course the first thing he wanted was to watch Elmo . We finished watching Elmo 's Potty Time , which we had started earlier . By the way , I did catch him making poo and put him right on his potty . Even though he didn 't actually go in the potty , he did stay on there for awhile . Later on , he sat on the potty fully dressed . I don 't know if he did anything substantial at that point . As I said - - I don 't care quite yet if he is fully trained but I would love it if he 'd pee on the potty or in a cup so that he doesn 't have to wear a bag for urine samples . Those are annoying . Amazingly enough , I was able to give each boy a bath this evening . Can 't bathe them together until Tiny Guy can sit up reasonably well . Not that The Boy would really want company in there as he has taken up swimming in the tub . I alsoPosted by I am starting a diet . I have thrush , for which I am being treated medically , but it will do me no good to treat the symptoms if I don 't get to the root of the problem . I am going for a slightly looser version of this plan . I 'm sure that I will also lose weight on this regimen , but my motivation isn 't weight loss . I don 't think I 'll be " cheating " because the impetus for not cheating is that I get to heal the flesh wounds faster and have a happier baby . It 's amazing how looking at a cookie can bring on the idea of pain . So I 'll stick with this for a few weeks , very strictly , and then perhaps I can phase in some things that had been off the list . I went to visit Postpartum Place as per my doctor 's advice , to purchase some ointment . Lanolin doesn 't do it for me ; this other stuff by MotherLove just might . It 's a lovely little place . I had a great chat with the lactation consultant , who advised me to look into dietary changes in the first place . We also discussed some of the issues that we have with Tiny Guy and how we really think that spending all that time under lights instead of being close to us has caused some of his fussiness problems . She said that in speaking with someone who specializes in jaundice , he doesn 't even like to use lights until the levels are REALLY high . I also told her that the hospital was pushing formula on me right and left ; she said that New Jersey is rather pro - formula because the pharmaceutical companies are right here . Interesting . The grocery stores were today 's destinations . I was discovering , as I tried to find things to eat , that so much of what we have is incompatible with my diet . Surprising , since we do eat well , but things like wheat , corn flour , soy , and basically anything packaged or with sugar are not allowed , and fruit is to be limited in favor of vegetables . I can have all the meat and eggs I want , thankfully . I may try to talk Musical Daddy into following my diet with me . He 's been griping about his physical condition anyway . The details of The Boy 's CT scan can be found here . I Posted by The Boy and Daddy are dozing on the chair . I wanted toride my bike to the health food store . Tiny Guy just doesn 't want to settle down . I fed him and then moved him . That was 20 minutes ago . Now he is sleeping , but facedown on me . I was slowly patting his back , which generally soothes him if he isn 't crazed . Do I move him and risk waking him ? Or do I give in to the temptation of a nice afternoon nap with a tiny boy blanket ? Nap , bike later , maybe even with The Boy . This morning , we went for a walk to the diner and the Farmer 's Market . The Boy 's white count is , hopefully , on its way up , although we were very careful about hand - wiping and not letting him touch too much stuff . I bought some extra veggies because I 'd really like to make a habit of eating them . Raw , even . Tiny Guy was complaining on the way there but fortunately fell asleep . I 'd just as soon not bring a screaming infant into the diner if I can avoid it . He woke up as we were finishing at the market and was HUNGRY . I fed him by the fountain in the middle of town . Musical Daddy took The Boy to the bank , which wasn 't open , so we had to go back after Tiny Guy was done eating . When we got home , we ALL napped . Truly a rare treat . It seems as though I spend a lot of time feeding Tiny Guy . Fortunately , at some point , it gets better . He will get faster at eating and will settle down in general . In the meantime , it 's a good thing he 's cute . Anyhow , we had lunch at home and went to Nomahegan Park to walk the trail . I 'm feeling much better because I 've been walking a lot . I am looking forward to getting back into a lifting routine . It 's been years , but I figure that if I mention it on my blog and talk about it from time to time ( and this also feeds into Facebook so I get lots of readers ) , it will be motivation enough for me to keep it going , at least as often as I can . One of my blog buddies , JC , has been involved in competitive fitness but is taking time off from that to care for her daughter who has another type of kidney cancer called Rhabdoid Tumor . Have I mentioned that cancer sucks ? Srsly . Now we 're home . Perhaps later this evening either Musical Daddy or I will take The Boy for a bike ride . I like outside . It 's pleasant . Even though it 's hot . I get cabin fever pretty easily , and it appears that Tiny Guy has acquired that flaw as well . If it is a flaw at all - - some people just like to keep moving ! The Boy has taken on so many of Musical Daddy 's character traits already . By default , I am mostly in charge of Tiny Guy becausePosted by Clearly Tiny Guy has really special poo that just wants to stick to everything . I think that it changes at some point . It has to . Unless even his bowel movements are stubborn to match the rest of him . In any case , I had to rewash about half of the diapers . I don 't remember ever having this issue with The Boy and his cloth dipes , but then , he wasn 't in them until he was 2 . 5 months old , and perhaps the poo turns a little more into liquid . Right now it is ( gross alert ) yellowish colored grease balls . Score one for Logical Mommy - - both boys are asleep downstairs in the stroller . Tiny Guy was asleep when we left for our walk ; The Boy only just fell asleep a few minutes ago . I am using this time to rest a bit and catch up on email / blog / message boards . Then I 'm going to pull the clean diapers down off the line . I am starting to think that Tiny Guy and I might have thrush , which is the reason why I 'm not healing well and he is such a fussy nurser . I 'm going to call my doctor , his doctor , and since I have an appointment on Monday anyway , I 'll have her take a look and see . Again , add to the list of things I don 't need . Although who 's to say what I need - - maybe I 'm supposed to be punished . Again and again and again . But sometimes it can come back around . It 's funny how things happen . Here is Musical Daddy 's take on the subject . Blood and platelets Monday . Same today . White count also not much better . Trending slightly upward at least but still well under 1 , 000 . Long boring day . Hopefully we 'll make it back up for chemo next Wednesday . I 'm not too worried , at least in terms of white count . It will either happen or not . . . and the Neupogen actually works in terms of getting whites back up in time so let 's hope it does the trick again . Tiny Guy let me clean the kitchen pretty well this morning . Didn 't do the floor yet . Saving that for this evening if / when he 's mad . Posted by The following things happened yesterday : Both boys actually napped at the same time . The Boy did not throw up at all yesterday and ate four meals . I successfully nursed Tiny Guy in the sling while eating dinner and serving dinner to The Boy . Right there , those are major events in our house . The second one needs no further explanation . The first one , if I may elaborate , went as follows : Tiny Guy was in the front carrier , where I put him while he was happy so that he would get used to being in it . He started to fuss . Musical Daddy recommended running the vacuum cleaner because it might calm him down . It did . So now I 'll be running the vacuum more often , I suppose . He fell asleep in the carrier , and I was actually able to transfer him successfully into his bassinet . With Tiny Guy in bed , I could concentrate on The Boy . He was also pretty tired . We read " The Monster At The End Of This Book " and he was getting sleepy , so I brought him into bed . It didn 't take long before he , too , was asleep . Observe : So I got to finish putting away laundry and relax a bit . We went for a quick walk to the library , and we got home just about in time to avoid the big rainstorm . The Boy napped again , with Daddy , and then on his own . I made dinner . Musical Daddy left for marching band rehearsal . I had dinner with The Boy and Tiny Guy was crying . I figured I 'd put him in the sling to make him feel better but that I 'd keep on eating . He was positioned just fine for nursing , and it seemed like he was hungry , so on he went . And it worked ! He ate for nearly half an hour while I had hands free to do the things I needed to do . He is so cute . I brought the boys to the end of the rehearsal , to show them off . The Boy enjoyed himself , looking at the instruments and conducting . Daddy took him while I went shopping at Trader Joe 's with Tiny Guy . He started to scream in the car on the way home , so priority number one after getting home was to feed him again . He also spent most of last night in his bassinet . He had a feeding at midnight and another at 4 , then wasPosted by Unless everything is perfect , there is no way for me to put the two kids to bed at the same time . Tiny Guy doesn 't have bedtime yet , which we will work on . The Boy has a decent bedtime routine with me , but it doesn 't work as well with a fussy Tiny Guy who is nursing but needs to burp every three minutes . Before this , it was a nice evening . Sadly , I feel like Tiny Guy is just going to cry no matter what until he feels ready to eat nicely . So I had him in his bassinet , fussing on and off , some crying and some not , while I focused on The Boy . I even tried to talk The Boy into sleeping in his own room , which should work but doesn 't when Tiny Guy is screaming nearby . So back in our bed . . . on goes The Poetry Show after a call to Grandma asking how to pit the kids to bed . We got settled back in , and Tiny Guy was actually ready to nurse . Now , The Boy is asleep and Tiny Guy is close to it . I wonder if I could actually get him to sleep in his bassinet with no fuss . Next task is to plot out home and hospital needs , and bedtime ideas . Anyone have bedtime ideas for little tiny people ? Posted by On Sunday evening , Elana and her family stopped by on their way to a wedding . They have twins . My living room was full of babies : which was amusing . The Boy didn 't feel like hanging out with the babies , so he and Daddy played outside while the twins had a changing and feeding stop . I hadn 't met Elana before . Furthermore , we haven 't really played much Jewish Geography , so I don 't yet know who she knows ( other than a cousin of mine on my father 's side ) . Here we are : And here is a photo of The Boy cleaning the floor : Gross alert : The past several days , The Boy has thrown up sometime around dinnertime . He has always been otherwise fine afterward and ready to eat lighter fare like applesauce or Rice Chex . Don 't know what the deal is here . We are trying to be more careful with him and cutting him off after an approximate amount of food , because we have a feeling that there is something screwy with his ability to feel full . It used to be that he was very good at that , and if he wanted to eat a lot it was because he was very hungry , and it was fine . But then , we were pretty careful today and stuff just came up . Whole . The Boy is going to the center tomorrow . He almost certainly will need platelets and probably will need red cells as well . Might be a long day . Meanwhile , Tiny Guy has some odd swelling on his penis . Almost like a blister but it doesn 't look much different from the skin . We called the pediatrician who told us to put some Bacitracin on it a few times and to call him tomorrow if it is still a problem . Which I 'm sure it will be , so we 'll take two cars and I 'll probably be taking the little one to see the doctor . Good times . End gross alert . My parents were here from Friday at 1AM until Sunday at 2PM . We had a wonderful weekend . Usually when my mother is here , The Boy is in the hospital . This time , they actually got to have fun . Tiny Guy seems to like my dad a lot . One of his major jobs was to make sure that Tiny Guy got his walks and his outside time . Grandma was in charge of his naked time . The thing about Tiny Guy and his raging - - which was really not so bad today - - is that sometimes it seems as though he forgets what he is mad about and he needs something to distract him from being mad . So if we put him down and take his pants off , or if we take him outside , sometimes he just gets over it . Of course , he is also hungry frequently . Here 's the other thing : there are always discussions about breastfeeding on demand and how nursing moms will just feed the kids at the first squawk . I don 't know about your nursling , but mine won 't ePosted by Musical Daddy 's birthday was yesterday , but we were waiting for my parents to come into town . We got a cake to be eaten today . My parents ordered a nice dinner for us , to be delivered from the Kosher store . I got a cake for him . The dinner was fantastic , and we were going to have cake a bit later . He wasn 't feeling marvelous all day anyway . To be expected at this point in the chemo cycle . The Boy had two colossal pukes today . When it happens , recently , he brings up a LOT of liquid . It 's odd . It 's as if he isn 't even processing it . He has to be processing some liquid , because he 's peeing . He had normal meals , though . And snacks . Some things made it through and some did not . This evening , he fell down the stairs . We live in a bi - level , so it was half a flight . Not as bad but not good . He was dragging a Boy - sized suitcase behind him , the gate wasn 't closed , and he just went the wrong way . Musical Daddy and my father took him to the hospital . Currently , they are on their way back . The Boy seemed to have no major injury except a knock on his head that made him mad but wasn 't otherwise affecting him . . . as in , he was still watching TV and naming numbers , he didn 't show any signs of trouble in his eyes . They were considering a CT scan if his platelets were really low but they weren 't low enough for them to be as concerned . He didn 't throw up after hitting his head either ( not that there was much left in his stomach anyway ) . So he was very shaken up but is okay . . . nevertheless we 'll be watching him very carefully . We never did eat our cake . I think they are just getting home . My parents arrived at about 1AM . Tiny Guy woke up not long after and of course my mother swooped in and grabbed him . I fed him , and then she changed him and took him again . I don 't have any problem with Grandma getting some of those baby snuggles . The Boy was up a few times but was easily resettled . Now , at a bit after 7AM , I 'm awake . Tiny Guy was awake but fell back asleep on my lap . And everyone else is snoring . I guess Musical Daddy doesn 't snore too much , but The Boy does to an extent . Not that you can hear it over the sawing that my parents are doing . But as wonderful as they are , they can snore all they like . I wish I were still sleeping but I 'm . . . just not . Fortunately , with my parents being here , I don 't have to worry about being able to grab a nap at some point . My father can take the boys for a walk ( it 's been over 2 decades since he 's handled a double stroller ) . I figure that with there being 4 adults and 2 children in the house right now , someone can generally catch a nap . Last night the boys and I went to see Musical Daddy direct his chorus at a gazebo concert . You 'd think that taking two children to an outside show , where they don 't really need to be quiet , would be easy , but it certainly was not . The Boy had a good time , except that he frequently wanted to try and go get Daddy , which of course he wasn 't allowed to do . But he was able to play with the guys before the show and even go on the playground . . . which I really didn 't want because his white count isn 't fabulous but hand wipes are a good thing . Tiny Guy was hungry but didn 't necessarily want to eat well . So he was mad for much of the evening . And eating frequently . I saw one of the chorus teachers from school . He said that it 's hard to believe that school is starting soon . I told him I wished I was coming back to school but circumstances being what they are , it wasn 't happening . He didn 't realize that I 'm actually on leave and am slated to return in the fall of 2010 . I think I will , too , even though The Boy will not quite be done with treatment . I 'll nPosted by We decided to go for it and take the boys to Sesame Place yesterday . We were a little bit apprehensive about The Boy 's physical well - being . He wasn 't great about keeping his food or drink down at home . . . but since this was likely the last good counts day for awhile , we didn 't want to waste it . We brought a few changes of clothes , the Clorox wipes , his SPF outfit ( which is actually a swimsuit ! ) and whatever else you normally bring when you travel with little tiny kids . We arrived at the park after 3 , meaning that we paid the " twilight " price . This is the best thing to do when your kids are under 4 or so . Under 2 is free , so only Musical Daddy and I had to purchase tickets . We got an orange armband for The Boy , meaning that we didn 't need to wait in line for anything . They are very kind to families with medical issues . Someone asked us about it , and my response was , " you really don 't want an armband . " I 'd rather wait in line than " earn " the armband but we are dealt certain cards . Anyhow , there wasn 't much that required waiting in line that we actually did , but it 's good to know that the option is open for us , not to have to worry about it . The Boy seems overwhelmed , but in a good way , at seeing his favorite " people " brought to life . He got a photo with Grover , Elmo , and Abby . Daddy got kisses from Elmo , as did Tiny GuyThe Boy rode on the carousel at the beginning and near the end of the visit , once with each of us . We would have all gone , and one of us would have sat on the bench with Tiny Guy , but we had to take pictures ! One of the highlights of the visit was the " Elmo 's World " show . They took the format of " Elmo 's World " from the end of Sesame Street and brought it to life , complete with Mr . Noodle 's nephew Mr . Noodle . It had basically the same segments and was about the same length of time . In addition to being able to sit right up front for the show , Tiny Guy was the baby in the " Elmo will ask a baby " bit , and he even got the question right ! The question was " How do you pretend to be a fish ? " and he was making thPosted by The Boy went to bed with little fanfare . Except that to accomplish that feat I had to leave Tiny Guy in his bed and he was NOT happy about that . There has to be a better way . End result is that The Boy fell asleep at 8 : 30 while I was singing to him and nursing Tiny Guy . After getting off the phone with my mother , I put Tiny Guy back in his bed , asleep . Then my mom called . She worries about me . Unfortunately , in order to reach the phone , I ended up twisting my already - sore back . I took some Ibuprofen after talking with her ( thank goodness that stuff is categorized as safe for nursing moms because Tylenol isn 't going to cut it with this back pain ) . I 'm not usually one for taking a bunch of medicine but I have to believe that this one will do the trick . I still hear Tiny Guy fussing around in there . Not crying or even making much noise but I hear little grunts and I just know that he 's awake . " They " say that the best thing to do is to put babies to sleep in their own beds when they are drowsy but awake , so that they can fall asleep and wake up in the same place and the same state of being . I guess this issue doesn 't really apply when your kid sleeps with you . Or when both do . I would just really like it if he 'd be able to sleep in that little bassinet sometimes . For the space issues , and so that we didn 't waste our money on the thing , if nothing else . When Tiny Guy sleeps for a long stretch in the middle of the day , usually it is in his carseat , because he had fallen asleep on a walk or even in the car . I have never tried to move him from the carseat to his bed , because I don 't want to ruin his nap . But he stays asleep for hours in that carseat . He stays asleep for a long time in the sling but can 't really be put down because he wakes up once that happens . Hmmm . . . I don 't hear him , so maybe he is asleep after all . . . nope , I heard another little noise . . . We are hoping to go on a major excursion tomorrow afternoon . We want to go to Sesame Place as an early birthday present for The Boy . And because it is probably his last good Posted by I 've resigned myself to the fact that Tiny Guy is just going to cry all the time . He nurses whenever he wants but sometimes he is done , as he indicates by unlatching , pulling really far , or just screaming . Then he screams some more . A diaper change sometimes helps . Sometimes not . Tonight at dinner The Boy puked up everything he had eaten . Fun stuff . Tiny Guy was already screaming . And of course continued to do so as I cleaned up the mess . The Boy wasn 't happy either . He is now just fine . He wanted applesauce . And Tiny Guy was fed again and was screaming until just now . It 's a good thing The Boy has patience . Tough morning at the center for counts . I figured that I 'd take both boys , because that 's what I 'll be doing frequently , and Musical Daddy wanted to go into work . I have two very high - needs children and it is pretty darned difficult to do for both at the same time . So I have to figure out ways to balance things out . For example : Rule 1 : never pick up The Boy while nursing Tiny Guy unless it is in the recliner at home . Picking him up anywhere else causes back pain . And further injury . Rule 2 : there are people at the center who would be perfectly willing to hold Tiny Guy for a bit , who is generally cranky in the morning . Let them . Rule 3 : don 't feel guilty about the fact that the baby cries . It 's louder to the person holding him than it is to anyone around me . Rule 4 : find a way to get the results of blood tests sooner . So we can leave sooner . And show up early for the same reason . Rule 5 : when possible , don 't show up alone . Two boys and me means that I am outnumbered . So now I 'm sitting here with a sore back and hoping that Tiny Guy will sleep a little longer before waking up to eat . I have had almost no time to sit at the computer and update . It 's been crazy in the house with two children who both need LOTS of things . The Boy is okay . Still not back to his normal self . Granted , he hasn 't been himself for the entire month of July . Or half of June , or much of May , or the end of April . While in the hospital this last time , he ate very little . Once he got home , he did decide to eat . Yesterday 's diet consisted of mostly fruit . Not great for the kid who has already been pooping too much . Tiny Guy had his 1 month checkup , albeit a bit early . He is 11 pounds 1 . 5 ounces and 23 inches tall . Big dude . He is clearly eating well although I 'm still having trouble off and on in the nursing department . Oddly enough , he has decided that he will sometimes take a bottle from me , and pumping is much less painful than a hungry little nursling on open wounds , so he 's been having bottles today . We found the right bottle nipple for him , which is the same one that The Boy preferred as a little one . Has to be the rubber Nuk nipples . Not the clear silicone ones . But anyhow , a large chunk of the day like this will hopefully allow me to heal properly . So much for the quiet . . . but just to summarize , everything is kinda okay for now .
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It 's Monday , and that means it is self - pity day . It actually doesn 't mean that . I just made that up . If I ever become President , and that 's not going to happen unless everybody else dies , I will make Monday - - Self - Pity Day . It will be a day when everyone will be self - centered , retrospective , and just plain whiney . So , allow me to express my observation . Just about everyone that I have loved , or have been interested in , have either been married or attached to someone else . There have been a couple who weren 't , but most were . Of course , I cannot express my feelings one on one . It is a character flaw . I have no problem putting it in writing . If I do say it to the person , they just laugh . I can never be serious , even if I want to . Usually , women think of me as their good friend or the brother they never had . I can not be their lover . Why ? I have never understood that . I would not want to be the one who broke up a marriage . And , I don 't want to be beaten to a pulp by the other guy . So , I spend a lot of time wishing about what could have been or might be . I am not going to name names of the ones who fit into this category . It would be a bit of embarrassment for them . However , let 's just say I am still single . There are a lot of lucky guys out there , who hooked up with the girls I loved . If the guys had known , I would have probably been everyone 's Best Man at their weddings . And if any lady ever actually believed me that I loved them , without thinking I was kidding , I would just be rejected . " I love you as a friend " . How many times have I heard that ? Am I happy with my personal life ? No . I am happy that others are . I was a freshman at Anderson College and got involved in Campus Crusade for Christ . It was a good organization that believed in converting as many people as possible to Christianity . I went to a few meetings at other schools , primarily Clemson . They had a national convention in Dallas in June of 1972 , and I went to that along with a few others from my school . We went by bus from Greenville . There were students from Furman , Clemson and Anderson on the bus , which went all night before arriving in Dallas . We stayed at a motel in Arlington TX , which is where our meetings were . There were people from all over the world there . We had meetings in the mornings ; usually our afternoons were free ; and we had a general meeting / worship at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas every night . We saw Andrae Crouch , Danny Lee , Tim Hardin , Barry McGuire , Billy Graham , Bill Bright , and many more . One afternoon , we all got together ( 100 , 000 of us ) and blanketed the Dallas metropolitan area witnessing to others . The idea was that if we all witnessed to 8 people , we could bring Dallas to God . It was a nice idea , but it didn 't quite work . I went with a girl to houses in the area . We only found one woman home , but we prayed with her , and she seemed receptive . The students from Anderson were all staying at a three - bedroom suite at a motel . One night , we got back from the Cotton Bowl , and I opened the door and found some young kids sleeping in the front bedroom . I didn 't think much of it , and went on back to my bedroom and found a man and woman sleeping in my bed . None of them woke up . I went outside and told another guy that there were people in our room . He thought I was kidding , and he went in to find the same thing . We went to the motel office , and the clerk said that they had moved us out of our room and into a smaller room , because a larger party needed a place to stay . The weird part was that they took polaroids of where our stuff was in our bedrooms and bathrooms , and placed them in the new room in the exact same place . Talk about deja vu . We cPosted by Another issue with me is that I suffer from migraines . Some of them knock me on my butt , while others are mild enough to just make me feel bad . I have had them since I was a kid , and my parents told me that it was because I am so creative . It seems that the more creative you are , the more attacks on your brain come . I am not saying that those of you that don 't have migraines are not creative . It just seems that being creative and having migraines have something in common . Sometimes I can go for months without having one , while other times I can have some frequently . It is sort of like playing Russian Rhoulette as to what will trigger a migraine . Some triggers work all the time , while others work only some of the time . So , what are my triggers ? Stress , getting too hot , bright light , little sleep , stagnant air , sleeping wrong , eye strain , or a combination of some things . So , why can 't I just avoid these things ? As I said , some things can occur , but I do not get the headaches . You just never know . I have found that , after I have left Macy 's , the headaches have not been as frequent . Figure that one out . I don 't want to advertise anything specifically , but Advil Migraine pills seem to work , although they tend to knock me out . Headon for Migraines do okay too , especially if I catch it early . I used to take prescription drugs , but I don 't anymore . I remember my mother telling me not to eat ice cream during a migraine . I am not sure why . She used to give me a cool towel to put on my head . It was soothing . Hot baths also work , or at least they make feel better . I love hot baths . So , this situation is just something I have to live with . If you are lucky enough not to have this problem , I envy you . I think a loving hug helps too , but unfortunately I don 't have anyone to do that to me , at least not yet . In another way to figure me out , you have to look at the zoo . I love going to the zoo . I guess it started at an early age in New Orleans , when we would go to the Audubon Park Zoo . It was a special time as a kid to see the animals that I had only read about in books . As I have grown older , I have been to several different zoos . It is a place to go to chill out . It is an oasis from the troubles of life . When I lived in Fort Worth , I used to go to their zoo , which was not too far from where I lived . In fact , when the wind was right , I could smell the zoo . Their zoo was not as pretty as others , but the animals seemed content , which led me to be content too . I went to the Berlin Zoo in 1973 . It was more of a park , but it was located near the downtown area . I will talk about it more later , during my 35th anniversary memories on Europe coming up in about a week or so . Here in Greenville , there is a zoo . It is kind of small , but they have some nice animals , mostly either from the US or Africa . You can go through it in less than 30 minutes , and it is rather hilly , so be prepared for that . My favorite zoo is Riverbanks in Columbia . It is big . There are a lot of animals , and a good variety . My brother was responsible for getting the koalas there , by making overtures to Australia . When I was smaller , I had a " relationship " with Happy the Tiger who was the first resident of the zoo . Happy was the patron saint of the zoo , and all of the Columbia schoolkids knew Happy very well . Happy died and is buried at the zoo . There are bears , gorillas , giraffes , fish , birds , lions , monkeys , and so much more . The zoo is a happy place ( pun intended ) . There used to be a polar bear . It would swim in its pond , and you could go down below the pond and see him through glass . One day , the glass broke . I am glad I wasn 't there that day . The bear went away . They also have a garden at Riverbanks with flowers . It is very pretty . There are a lot of zoos I have not been to and hope to one day . I used to work at a zoo called Columbia Mall , but that 's anPosted by As you know , I have never married . There are a lot of reasons for that , but one of them is that I think my standards are a bit high . In looking for psychological reasons , one may be because of my obsession for beauty . Even as a child , I used to watch beauty pageants on TV and pick the winner . I was pretty good at that . I also saw pretty actresses get the guys . I saw pretty girls at my school get the guys . I wasn 't very handsome , despite what my mother told me . Girls were just not too interested in me . In my quest for love , I came up with my criteria for what to look for in a girl . She needs to be attractive . That is a bit subjective . I don 't want to alienate anyone or suggest that beauty is too important , but I think it would be good if she is pleasing to the eye . Another quality is sense of humor . I have a rather bizarre sense of humor . It is somewhat dry and quick . She needs to understand my humor and be funny herself . She also needs to be somewhat intelligent . I don 't need a Mensa member , but I don 't need an airhead either . I just need someone who can carry on a conversation . Lastly , there is the words " style " and " class " . What does that mean ? It may be the reason why I am not married . I know it , when I see it . She needs to be someone who is confident , without being stuck - up . She must have an air about her . An ambience . Looking back on my girlfriends , they all had some of those qualities , but not quite all . I think Wanda might have come the closest . But , I can 't really compare one to another . Each one had their own sense of style . I have no regrets about any of them . As I get older , it may become a bit easier because of current situations . Women are getting divorced . Spouses leave or die . It is the reality of age and situation . I can no longer think about going out with someone under 30 , not that there is anything wrong with that . It is just that I am getting older , and I need to think of someone who can identify with my life 's experience . For example , she needs to know that Paul McCartney was in The Beatles , Posted by Okay , I stayed here all day yesterday , except for a quick trip to the post office . I washed clothes , so I could stick around waiting for my UPS package . They had called and gave me a tracking number . They said I needed to be present to sign for it , so it seemed rather important . It was to be delivered by 7pm . Once during the day , I saw the UPS truck drive by , so I thought that it was in the neighborhood . So , when 7pm came and no package , I went online to run the tracking number and found that the package had been delivered at 5 : 15pm and signed for . Well , guess what ? It wasn 't me . So , I called UPS . First , I got a recording and I spoke the tracking number . They told me what address it had been delivered to , which was about 5 miles from here . So , I wanted to speak to a real person . There wasn 't an option on the menu for that . I think there is now , after I yelled " I want to speak to a real person ! ! ! ! " I got a real person . It was obvious that they had dialed the wrong number to call to say I was getting a package and gave me a tracking number . I explained to them that I had stayed here all day waiting for a non - existant package . They apologized . I told them that perhaps , when they make that call , they need to use the customer 's name , so we could figure it out if it was meant for the person called or not . The package was not meant for me . I wasn 't expecting a package from UPS . But , I can 't tell you the number of things I thought about as to why I would be getting a UPS package that required a signature . A wasted day yesterday . At least , I have clean clothes . I got a phone call last night from UPS . A recorded message says that I will get a package requiring signature on Tuesday and gives me a tracking number . First of all , I don 't know what I am getting . Secondly , the voice says they can 't give me a time frame of delivery , just that it will be between 8am - 7pm . So , I guess I 'll be here all day , or at least until it comes . I tried to imput the tracking number into the UPS website , but it didn 't work . I guess I copied it down wrong . I suppose I could go about my day and risk being here when the guy comes , but maybe it is something good that I don 't want to miss . Maybe it 's a million dollars . Yeah , right . I can count on one hand the number of times I have gotten something from UPS . Usually , things come via US Mail . It is just so much easier . So , to all those people who were expecting me to mail things to you that you have bought from me , you 'll just have to wait , because I am waiting on the UPS truck to come . Good luck to us all . One of my idols died yesterday . George Carlin . He was a comedian , but he was also part of my soul . I first saw George on The Ed Sullivan Show , since I was not allowed to watch The Tonight Show . I loved Al Sleet The Hippy Dippy Weatherman . If you don 't know about that , maybe it is on Youtube . I would just laugh and laugh growing up . I bought all of his albums . I bought the first one , Take - Offs and Put - Ons , on a trip to Alabama in 1971 . He helped me get through college with his albums like Class Clown , AM & FM , and Occupation : Foole . He made you laugh about words and people . I saw him for the first time in concert while living in Fort Worth . He had to leave after 35 minutes . He got sick . He was doing a lot of drugs then , and supposedly he had gotten bad cocaine . I continued to buy his albums . A friend died the same weekend as On the Road came out . He did a routine on death . It got me through my grief for my friend . Listen to " Two Minute Warning " . Very funny . When I moved back to Columbia , I got to see George again in the 1980 's . He was still funny , but he had gotten more socially conscious . His humor had turned a bit darker in his humor , but he was still funny . I got a t - shirt and book at his show . George was also writing books . I got all of them . George came back to Columbia last year . I couldn 't afford the ticket , but I entered a contest and won tickets to the show . He said that he was testing out material for an HBO special and DVD for 2008 . I hope the DVD will be released . He was a comic genius , and he shaped a lot of my humor . Although I never personally met George , he was a dear friend in my heart . George said in one of his albums that he didn 't want to be buried or cremated . He wanted to be blown up . Boom , there he goes ! Thanks , George . You allowed me to laugh . There was a baseball player in the early part of the 20th century named Joe Jackson . He got the nickname " Shoeless " , because a sportswriter noticed that Joe batted one time without shoes , because he had blisters . It was the only time that Joe batted without shoes , but the nickname stuck . He was a fabulous hitter . Unfortunately , he got involved in a scandal involving fixing the World Series of 1919 and got thrown out of major league baseball . Although nothing was ever proven , he was guilty by association . He has deserved to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame , but he won 't as long as he remains to have this guilt over his head . Kind of like Pete Rose . Joe Jackson was from Greenville SC . The city seems to ignore the controversy , as it is a city of forgiveness . Yesterday , they unveiled a new museum honoring Shoeless Joe Jackson . It is in his old house , which was moved near the city 's baseball stadium . I went to the opening yesterday . It could have been a hot summer day , but the overcast sky kept things cooler . There were about 200 people there . We had to wait about an hour to get into the museum , because it was small , and they were only letting 6 people at a time into the place . It looks like it would be a good place to visit , if you are interested in baseball . There were a few famous baseball players there yesterday , primarily Bobby Richardson . I had met him , when I was a little kid . As I stood waiting to get in the museum , I was reminded that we must never forget from where we came from . History teaches us many things . And , if we did anything in the past , God forgives . Maybe we should too . For most of my life , I have lived in large cities . The only exception was during my college years , where I lived in smaller towns . I had said that , when I retired , I would live in a smaller town . I liked the smaller town , because of the slower pace and the nicer people . Large cities tend to breed folks who don 't care about others . They just want to get where they are going , no matter who gets in the way . I have been used to this and am somewhat guilty of doing the same . In my job in customer service , I had to be nice to others , But , when I got off , I went back to being like most everybody else . So , what is different now ? I have moved to a place where everyone is polite . People in all kinds of jobs seem nice . I have an idea why , but I can 't be sure . I think the reason why is that this area has a wide variety of religious folks . There are several religious schools around . Folks seem to be more interested in faith which translates to their everyday lives . I think about all the transplants from other parts of the country , primarily from the North . They come here and don 't leave . Why ? I think a reason could be how nice these folks here are . This area is the most populous in the state . I may not stay here the rest of my life . If I leave , I will take the politeness with me . The only problem will be that other cities may interpret my politeness as being flaky . Or , they may become paranoid . Why is he being nice to me ? Well , just be nice and take me at face value . If one smiles at a stranger , the result could be contagious . Just a thought . As we get older , we have to think about where we are going . Not so much physically but more emotionally . There is a theory about a mid - life crisis . I don 't know if that is necessarily true , but there comes a time , when one needs to reflect on where they are today , and where they want to be in the future . Perhaps it is just a point in life where one wakes up and realizes that there is more to life . Or maybe it is the old adage that life is too short . Whatever it is , here is what I have found out . Because the older person has a stronger work ethic generally , the younger people , who are usually the ones in power , use the older people . They heap more work on them , knowing it will get done right , but they won 't pay them accordingly . In my case , I made a lot of money for Macy 's . I did a lot of stuff that wasn 't in my job description , because I wanted my store to succeed . However , I wasn 't paid for all of this other stuff . My younger supervisors knew how strong I was with my work . They knew how I could do so much stuff like selling , stock work , inventory , and managing departments . They also knew they could walk all over me , because I had to have a job . I didn 't wake up one morning and realize I was being used . It was a process . But , that day came when I had to make a change . I am not suggesting that everyone make a change when getting to a certain age , but I think that the ones with a strong work ethic should look at where they are , and do they want to do the same thing later on . And to you younger folk , some of your peers are very good . They have a strong work ethic . Others seem to be a bit jealous of your elders and want to look big , so you boss them around . You should treat people like you want to be treated . If you give someone a new job , you had better be prepared to do it yourself . If you don 't know how to do something , and you know that an older worker can do it better than you , then that is the time to educate yourself . After all , you will get older , and someone younger will come along and fire you , because you Posted by Have you ever thought about " What if . . . " ? What if I went into another line of work ? What if I had majored in another subject in college ? What if I had met that person at that time ? What if I had been born to other parents ? What if I had lived in that other place ? What if . . . ? When I graduated from college , some folks wanted me to go to New York or Los Angeles and become a professional actor , but I didn 't want to . I wanted to teach . That didn 't happen either . Some doors closed and others opened . " Regrets , I 've had a few , but then again , too few to mention . " In life , one must learn from the past and go forward . Too many people look backward about what was and forget that time is gone . The future is coming . It must be better than what was . I bring this up because of something going on . The Cobbwebs is in jeopardy of breaking up again . Why ? Because our new music doesn 't seem to be in the same style as that we did 10 years ago . At least , not in one person 's mind . We have matured and so has our sound . I think our sound is more commercial , and isn 't that why a band releases music ? To make money ? I don 't like to compare our music to other bands , but forgive me for this . Look at The Beatles . In 1962 , they were playing R & B covers and simple songs . When they hit the US in 1964 , their music was almost entirely love songs . Why ? Because they sold . As the decade went on , their music progressed . It became more experimental by 60 's standards . It was almost entirely different than that from the beginning . But , their sales skyrocketed . In some ways , they were pioneers in the music world . In other ways , they were reacting to the styles of other artists during that time . In the world of Beatles music , there are fans who just like the early stuff . There are others who just like the later stuff . There are still others who like everything . I am in that third group . When we went to Beatlefest in Chicago , there was a great debate as to which was the best Beatles music . I said everything . So , I bring it back to The Cobbwebs . We have had musPosted by I had a fun day yesterday . Any birthday should be a fun day . So , I went to the zoo . I hadn 't been in a while , and I really like the zoo . I had put in for a membership , but I hadn 't gotten the card in the mail . I told the woman that fact and asked her if she could look up my name , and she said no , but she would take my word for it . I guess I sounded sincere . I got to see new animals . I guess that is the natural progression . Adults give way to babies . As I was walking around , I looked down and saw a snake on the sidewalk . It was a little scary . I don 't know if it was poisonous , but I didn 't stick around to find out . I stayed at the zoo for a couple of hours until it got hot . Despite the fact that this was my day , I discovered something about life . I used to think that life revolved around me . I was the center of the world . I used people for my own pleasure . I discovered yesterday that there are people close to me that are going through very tough times . I am not going to name names , but they know who they are . If you are a somewhat religious person , please pray to God that my friends will find strength . God knows their names . So , that brings up a point . All of us have our own individual lives . We have different loves . We like different foods . We listen to different music . We watch different TV and movies . We have different friends . We travel to different places . But , when we come together , we realize that we have common bonds . So , I guess that 's what friends are for . Thanks to my friends for making my birthday a memorable one . And , think good thoughts for my friends as they have to make some important decisions over the next few days . Today is my legal birthday . There are a lot of memories surrounding it , although I don 't remember the first couple of birthdays . I have heard stories about them . I was born on a Wednesday . When I came into this world , I was enrolled in Sunday School at First Baptist Church in New Orleans on the first day . I have seen pictures of me from that time , and I must admit that I was a cute baby . I know , everybody has cute babies , but I truly was . In fact , my brother won an award at school for having a cute brother . I guess time changes things , and cuteness goes away , but for that time , I was cute . I remember some of the early birthday parties . My mother loved to throw birthday parties . As I got older , the parties became more of a private thing . They always got cards for me . For a time , I got very defensive about how old I was . After all , I was older than most of my friends at work . In fact , going back a minute . When I was 14 , I took swimming lessons . Everybody else there were like 6 years old , and I had to lie to them that I was big for my age . So anyway , I accepted my age a few years ago . I was acting and playing younger parts , because I looked younger than I was . The State newspaper was writing an article about me and my two friends on our big Beatles collection . I told the writer not to publish my age , and he assured me he wouldn 't . When the article came out , it said : " Walter Durst , 39 " . I called him and asked him why they did it , and he said that it was paper policy to publish ages . After that , I had to come to terms with my age . Now , it is kind of good , because I get senior discounts , even though I am not there yet . I don 't tell them different . So , today is my legal birthday . Maybe not the one that is more important to me , which is my emotional birthday of January 4th , but it is still the one that is on my driver 's license . Happy Birthday to me . I was on the interstate today . Everyone was moving along nicely , and traffic was kind of heavy . All of a sudden , brake lights came on ahead , and everyone had slowed to a crawl . Some trucks were exiting the highway to go around the bottleneck . As we inched forward , I looked ahead , and I saw some patrol cars ' blue lights . Beyond the lights , traffic was moving smoothly . As I got closer , I saw that there was an accident involving a pickup truck , a motorcycle and a camper . The wreck looked pretty bad . A few people were standing around . But , everything was out of the roadway and in the median . So , why was traffic at a standstill ? Because , folks wanted to slow down and look at the wreck . I hate rubberneckers . Folks in traffic can 't do anything about what has happened , except for maybe praying for the victims , if there are any . It is just our tabloid mentality . We want to see the bad things that have happened to other people . In the larger cities , folks are so immune to accidents that they just drive on . It becomes a way of life . I am sorry that this accident happened today , and I hope no one was badly injured , but we all don 't need to slow down so much that we are going less than 10mph on a busy highway , when we don 't have to . My birthday is coming up tomorrow . Everytime I have one , it is a celebration , because they all seem so unlikely . Not being married , and family be far flung , it is kind of hard sometimes to celebrate my birthday , so I am making it happen this year . I am going on a little road trip to Columbia to be with my friends . As I have said many times here , friends mean the world to me . They are my extended family . Even though I celebrate two birthdays , the other being January 4th , the one tomorrow is the one that will be on my tombstone . So , look out my friends . I am coming ! ! ! Today is Father 's Day . For many , your father is still living . For some like me , your father has gone on . I wanted to tell you a little about my father , at least what I knew . His name was John K . Durst III , but I knew him as Daddy . When we first met , he was a teacher at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary . He taught Religious Education . A couple of years after I was born , Daddy got his doctorate in Religious Education at Southwestern Seminary in Ft . Worth , where he had gotten his Master 's degree about 20 years before , and was where he met my Mother . Daddy would commute by train from New Orleans to Ft . Worth . In 1958 , he was asked to come to South Carolina to be the Director of the Sunday School Department for the South Carolina Baptist Convention . We moved back to his home state . Daddy was a pioneer in Religious Education . It is believed that he was the first full - time Minister of Education in a church . He was the first person to incorporate an architecture consultant for churches on a state level . He led conferences around the world , and he knew everybody . Everybody knew Daddy . Even if he didn 't remember their names , he was always gracious and never let on that he didn 't remember names too well . He exposed us to a lot . We went to a lot of places , and he introduced us to a lot of people . One of the highlights of his life was leading Sunday School leadership conferences in Hong Kong and Taiwan , and then travelling around the world . He was gone a lot , so Mother raised me mostly . When Daddy was home , he was a disciplinarian . " Spare the rod and spoil the child " were words he lived by , much to the hurt of my bottom . I had problems with Daddy , as he wouldn 't let me do a lot of stuff like playing cards and dancing . Some people can 't identify with that , but if you lived in a minister 's house , you would know . He provided a lot for me , like sending me to college and to Europe . He pulled some strings to get me into college , since my grades were not too good . That 's where I blossomed . Daddy retired in 1976 , after sufferiPosted by There are a lot of memorials on Tim Russert today . He was a journalist , a father , a friend , and a good guy . I did not know him personally , but I watched him all the time on TV . You could see the twinkle in his eye , as he loved what he did . One tragic thing about his death was how close it came to Father 's Day . He will be so closely associated with Father 's Day through the love for his son and his books about his father . If one can take a lesson from all of this , you need to not take life for granted and you need to love life . Love what you do . Have fun . Do good things . Whatever is your work , do the best that you can do . Don 't forget your family , especially your parents . They brought you into this world . And , when it is your time to go onto Heaven , may someone say about you how much you loved life and did the best you could to make it just a little better . Rest in peace , Tim . You were a good guy . There is much in the news about the tragedy at the Boy Scout camp in Iowa being hit by a tornado . It is so sad that 4 scouts died and others were injured , but it is so uplifting with the stories of heroism that other scouts did . But , if you ask the scouts themselves , they will not tell you that they are heroes . They will just say that they were doing what they were trained to do . I was a Boy Scout . I started out as a Cub Scout at Eastminster Presbyterian Church . We learned about groups and crafts . We also learned about the importance of caring for others . I then went on to be a Boy Scout at St . Martin 's In The Fields Episcopal Church and First Baptist Church . We learned how to do First Aid ; how to camp ; and how to survive . We also had a lot of fun . One could have fun and learn stuff at the same time . There were a lot of life 's lessons in Scouting . One fun lesson was that one cannot play a harmonica without breathing through one 's nose , because you will hyperventilate . I did that to the song " Flowers on the Wall " . But , I digress . My friend John Cathcart , who I worked with at White Oak , was an Eagle Scout . He could do just about anything , because Scouting taught him to do so . I just made it to Second Class . Scouting doesn 't seem to be as important in most areas of the country . When I was growing up , just about everybody I knew was in Scouts . Perhaps if it were stressed in today 's world , if more kids were in Scouting , there would be better kids and less crime . Just a thought . It is time for a History lesson . In the 1970 's , there was a movement to make as much different music as possible . In the early 1970 's , it was mostly easy listening pop like America , Carole King , James Taylor , and many more . The music could be played on the radio . There was also soul music . I loved Isaac Hayes . It was sort of like jazz was raising its head . Piano music from Elton John and Billy Joel was popular . Acoustic guitar was big too . Crosby , Stills , Nash and Young . Chicago was big with horns . Then , in the mid - 1970 's , some soul artists were thinking about dance music , and Disco evolved . Johnnie Taylor , George MacRae , and Andrea True were the pioneers . Then , Disco exploded with manufactured music in the studios . Village People , Dan Hartman , Gloria Gaynor , Lipps Inc , Thelma Houston , and Rod Stewart did Disco . " Saturday Night Fever " came along , and The Bee Gees were reborn . It was an exciting time . I loved that music , and still do . The music makes me happy . I am not much one of a dancer , although I could do okay on the dance floor . With Disco , you could goof around and look like you were dancing . You could even make up dances , or say you did . People dressed up to go to the discos . I had wide bell bottoms and polyester pants . I also had big collar shirts . It was a great time . I suppose it helped more to drink heavily . I knew something about that . I was living in Texas at the time . When I moved back to South Carolina in 1979 , Disco was dying out , but there were still clubs in SC into the early 1980 's , when the rest of the country had moved on to other genres . Maybe it is because SC tends to be a little late in trends . So , if you happen to hear " Macho Man " , think of me dancing . Yes , it is funny , but at the same time , it is a bit of innocence that has been lost . Most of the Disco artists don 't record anymore . Sometimes , you see them on retro shows on TV . " Stayin ' Alive " I have a Myspace site and have for quite awhile . The address is myspace / wdurst . It is very interesting to keep in touch with old friends , and some not so old . I also can keep in touch with some of my favorite musicians like Bob Dylan and Ringo Starr . As I am not the most tech savvy person on the planet , I have recently discovered posting pictures on the site , so I have been searching the Web for pictures that mean something to me . So far , I have three albums . One has pictures of me and my friends . The second has pictures of films that I have been in . The third has pictures of places that I have visited . I am also planning at least two more albums . One of famous people I have met , and another of famous people I have seen . I have several websites out there . Three of them involve selling records and tapes . One is a Music Birthdays site . I also have a Facebook site , and of course this blog . One of my favorite movies is " My Fellow Americans " with Jack Lemmon , James Garner , and Dan Aykroyd . Lemmon and Garner played former Presidents , and Aykroyd played the current President . In one scene , Aykroyd accused Lemmon of making money on his past presidency by books , dolls , and appearing in Japan with a stuffed panda . Lemmon countered by saying that he never did it for the money . He just wanted a taste of what he once was . There is a lesson in that . I have a lot of websites to remind people that I am still out there . I may not be the most successful person , or the most wealthy , or the most powerful , or the most athletic . But , I do have some qualities like caring , loyalty , and creativity . And , I have friends . We had a storm last night and caused the power to go out for an hour and a half . It was hotter inside than out with no AC , plus the humidity built up inside , which made it worse . So , folks started venturing out of their homes , and we had interaction between strangers . It was actually kind of strange to see . Neighbors were talking , who normally wouldn 't give each other the time of day . Black and white had a common ground - - no electricity . Also , I thought about the things we take for granted . Electricity is the main one . Without sounding simplified , think about all of those that don 't have a cool room or a way to cook easily . Say a prayer for them . When Hurricane Hugo came through , we were without power for 10 days . We coped . The neighborhood came together . A man had a generator , and we ran power cords all over the neighborhood for essentials . Other things we take for granted - - family and friends . When I went to the reunion in Richmond a couple of weeks ago , I discovered family I didn 't know I had . Reunions and funerals are situations that you will understand the importance of family . As to friends , my goal in life is to never take my friends for granted , whether they want me to or not . I reach out to those , who I haven 't seen seen in years , just to say hello . Others , I keep in touch with on a daily basis . They know who they are . Friends are extremely important to my survival . If you have read my blog for any length of time , you would know that I would be dead now if not for friends . I don 't know how much longer I have on this earth , but I know that I will never take my friends for granted . Thanks . In 1972 , I got a summer job working in a parking lot at a bank . The job required that I work outside , which I didn 't mind . It was across the street from a hotel downtown . The Osmonds stayed there one night after a concert . The next morning , their bus pulled up to the side to take them away . Little girls were screaming , " We love you Donny " . He waved at them from the back of the bus , as it was pulling away . The girls ran behind the bus , inhaling the exhaust . The parking lot was a block away from the State House . I was told when hired that the parking lot was for bank customers only , and I was not to allow others to park for free and go shopping . I learned early on that people with state license plates could park there for free , if it was government business , or even if it wasn 't . One afternoon , a woman parked her car and walked off . It was there for quite a while . I checked in the bank and called around . Nobody knew of that car , so I called the tow truck to take it away . The owner came back , and it turned out that she had been applying for a bank job . I was sent out to get her car back from the towing service . I don 't know if she got the job , but I know some money changed hands . The parking lot was pretty small . It only held around 30 cars . Because it was so tight , I would often have to help customers back out of places to let others come in . One day , I was helping a woman in a Cadillac back out to let a Volkswagen pull in . The Cadillac woman was doing okay , but when she got out of the spot , she stepped on the gas and her car was still in reverse . She crushed me between her car and the VW . I felt pain but managed to crawl out onto the hood of the VW and rolled off . I was hobbling . The woman in the Cadillac asked if I was okay , and I said yes , and she sped off . The woman in the VW pulled into the spot and suggested I go inside the bank . I did , and the bank people said I needed to go to the hospital to be checked out . The hospital was 3 blocks away . When I got there , they x - rayed my legs but didn 't see anything brokePosted by I got my car fixed at no extra cost . Good news . Now , to a topic we can all identify with - - the price of oil . Everyone is complaining how much gas costs , which translates to the cost of food and everything else . Complaining is good , because we are all in the same boat . It gives us a common bond . But , let 's look how we came to this point . Did you know that people caused this problem ? There are a group of people called speculators . They make up numbers on how much they think the price should be , based on usage and the possibility of hurricanes or other natural disasters . The price may not be what the oil is worth , but it is the price these people think it should be worth . Then , guess what ? Other people ( oil company stockholders ) make gobs of money , because these speculators inflate the prices . So , people are getting very rich at your expense . Politicians make all these promises about drilling for more oil or building more refineries . Do you know how long that would take ? ? ? We don 't have time . These politicians won 't get elected until November . That is 5 months away . Then , they won 't take office until January 2009 . That is 7 months away . In the meantime , everyone is suffering . Politicians make more money than you or I will probably ever see . They have drivers and an expense account . They do not feel the pinch that the rest of us do . They live in ivory towers . They are a lot of hot air and do not truly care about the people . All they care about is getting relected to their cushy jobs . So , what can we do ? Demand that they do something now , or else we are not going to vote for them . Demand that they prosecute speculators for driving up the prices . Demand that they prosecute oil company executives that profit on the poor . Demand that the President sign an executive order to suspend the federal tax on gas . Demand that the oil reserves be tapped to increase supply . And , if all else fails , use our Army to take over the oil fields of Iraq . They are over there anyway . You can make a difference . Here I sit in the AAA Car Care Center in Greenville . Yesterday , my brake lights failed to go off , which drained the battery , and I got it fixed here . Last night , it happened again . This morning , my battery had to be jumped , and I am back with my car . Hopefully , it will be cheaper this time . It is kind of funny to me how much I fret over my car , but it does allow me a measure of independence . I didn 't get any sleep last night worrying about my car . It didn 't help that it was very hot , and I had trouble breathing . So , let 's hope for the best yet . My car will turn 20 next year . I suppose I need a new car , so if anyone wants to get rid of one , and it runs , please let me know . It just needs to get good gas mileage and be an automatic transmission . If anybody sees Joni , ask her if she wants to get rid of her convertible . Have a happy day . I know I will . My car is possessed . Actually , it is broken and needs to be fixed . My roommate arrived last night and announced that my brake lights were on . How could that be , if everything was cut off ? Apparently , there is a switch behind the brake pedal that is faulty , and the lights stayed on . At least , that is what I think happened . But , the battery was drained , because it had been going on all afternoon , since I didn 't go out , as it was so hot . So , I 'll have to get a new battery and get the problem fixed . Yes , I need a new car , but I can 't afford it , so I have to get this done today . It 's always something . Rich 's had a promotion to see how many employees could take care of their fish . Each person got a Japanese fighting fish , and we put them in small bowls . The fish were placed by the registers throughout the store . A few customers complained that it was wrong to do this , as it was cruel to the fish , but the store was trying to promote the caring of others , which would translate into the caring of customers . My fish was named Herman . He was brown and red . Herman was a good fish . I fed him and changed his water . I found a small Pooh bear that a child had left , and I put it next to the bowl . Herman loved Pooh . He would spend hours just staring at Pooh . There would be times that I would move Pooh away , and Herman would get very lethargic . When I put Pooh back , Herman would get excited . It was love . A friend bought a small aquarium for me , and I took Herman and Pooh home with me . Herman liked his new home , because he could swim further , and I put Pooh next to the aquarium , so that Herman could be with his friend . One day , I got the bright idea that Herman would like a fish friend , so I found a plastic fish , and I attached it with a paper clip , and put it in the aquarium . I didn 't know that the rusted paper clip would be poisonous to Herman . He died . It was a sad day . I had a funeral for him and flushed him down the toilet . I got a second fish and put Pooh next to the bowl , but it wasn 't interested in Pooh . I learned a lesson about love . Herman loved Pooh . Not everyone loves the same people . Who I may love , someone else might not be interested in . They say that there is a person for everyone . I am still looking for that person . I may be closer . Oooo , cryptic . Pooh ? Pets are very important to make life more fulfilled . I haven 't had much luck with pets . When we moved to Columbia , we bought a cocker spaniel named Brownie . I was 5 . Brownie was very active . He ate my teddy bear , which was very traumatic . We gave Brownie away , when we moved to another house . Brownie was a small dog , but when we visited him a year later at his new home , he had grown into a horse , or at least it seemed that way from a small child 's viewpoint . Later on , I had a rabbit , Easter chicks , some turtles , fish , and birds . Not all at the same time . All of them died in one form or another . Except for one of the birds . He flew away , when I was cleaning his cage , and the door came open . If anyone were to dig up our back yard , they are going to think it was a graveyard , and in a sense it was . As I got older , we adopted the birds and squirrels in our yard . We would provide water for them in a bowl , and we would feed them bread and food scraps . We had cardinals , bluejays , sparrows , robins , doves , blackbirds , and squirrels . They all seemed to work together without too much problems . And , they all had jobs . The squirrel would let us know if there was a cat in the yard , or if there were any other dangers . He also would let us know when it was time to eat . The robin would wait for the paper carrier in the morning , and would stand next to the paper , until we went outside to get it . The bluejay would announce to others that the food had come . The blackbirds would take their bread to the water bowl , and dunk them before eating . Some of them lived there year round . Others would come and go , but each Spring they would return . It was as if there was a big sign on our roof saying to stop there . When I moved to an apt . , I had a balcony , so I could feed the birds and squirrels . I had a water bowl , bread and bird seed . The birds would fly in . The squirrels would either climb the brick wall to the balcony or use a limb to get there . They were very smart . Now , that I have moved again , I don 't have a balcony and am unable to put oPosted by It is now the time for a psychological exam . I was wondering about life 's stages . Do some people just go along through life from child to adult in a seamless way ? Do others go through life in stops and starts ? If so , I am in the second group . So , would the people who knew me as a child be surprised at my life now ? Would the people who know me now be surprised about my life from years ago ? I say yes . For one thing , I don 't know many people now who knew me a long time ago . So , what are my life 's stages ? It is hard to pinpoint , but I think I can try . First , there was the New Orleans years until I was 5 . I remember my friend Paul Price . The rest was centered around my family . Second , there was the early years in Columbia . That would take into account the elementary school time . Third , there was the junior high years that are mostly a blur thanks to the constant being beaten up . Fourth , there was the high school years , where my life was saved by the Youth Group at Kilbourne Park . Fifth , there was my college years , where I discovered my talents and some mind - altering stuff . Sixth , there was my seminary years in Ft . Worth , where I discovered more mind - altering stuff . Seventh , there was my job years , where I began making life - long friends . I may still be in the 7th stage , or possibly the beginning of an 8th stage . I think my life has been more full by having several stages of life . I think I have been a more well - rounded person . I am sorry that there are folks out there who experience nothing , and therefore have one stage . When I share my stories with others , they seem amazed as to what I have done . For example , who knew that I was one of the most sought after dramatists in the late 1970 's ? Who knew that I was in movies and TV , and people called me to be in their projects ? Who knew that I was a nationally published writer ? Who knew that I was a manager / buyer for a large department store and was recognized for being the best ? My friends today may not know . They see me who I am now . That 's where my stories come in . Some maPosted by Just a short observation . I don 't know if they still make Royal Crown Cola . If you never have had an RC and a Moon Pie , you haven 't lived . However , if you change the words around , Royal Crown becomes Crown Royal . That 's something entirely different . There was a high school teacher named Mr . Musgrove . He was one of the faculty advisors for the National Forensic League at our school . We would have to go to debate tournaments in Bluefield , WV . So , he would drive us through the mountains . If you were unlucky to be in his car at night , he would turn off his headlights to go on the winding roads . He claimed that he could see the road better without the lights . He had a lot of scared kids praying that they would not die that night . Mr . Musgrove was a little crazy . I often wondered if he was just doing it as a joke , or was he really serious . But , he never had a wreck . Years later , when I worked at White Oak , I had a co - worker named John Cathcart . He was still in high school , but he was a very good worker . John had a pickup truck . One night , he asked if some of us wanted to ride down Sherman 's Road . Supposedly , it was a road that General Sherman took in his march through South Carolina , and it ran near the conference center . So , of course I said yes , as did two of the girls that worked with us . John , Angela , Suzanne and me were crammed into the front seat of the truck and off we went . The road turned out to be a dirt road with no lights . There were boards over ditches , that you had to line up your tires with the boards to cross the ditches . John turned off his lights , as he said he could see the trail better . I screamed like a girl , as did the two girls . Being against the door , if the truck fell off the board , I would get it first . John thought it was funny , until we begged him to turn around and go back . We found a house in the middle of the woods to turn around . When we did , a man came running out with a shotgun , as he thought we were tresspassing . At that point , we didn 't care if the truck was lined up with the boards . The man fired a shot , but it didn 't hit us . A few years later , I was driving a rental car in Charlotte at night . People coming the other way were flashing their lights at me . I thought a cop was around , so I would slow down . I realized , after going Posted by The President came to Greenville yesterday for a brief visit to address the Furman graduates . The Secret Service didn 't want to tell what route he would take from the airport to Furman , but it was pretty easy to figure out . I drove out to Furman and saw the police cars on certain roads , so I put it together . There were gobs of cops around . I decided to camp out at a busy intersection , figuring it would be the best location to see him pass by . I was the first one there just before 5pm . It was hot . Slowly , more folks started to gather . Just after 7pm , the heliocopter passed over the area , signaling the motorcade was coming . The police sealed off the intersection . I was standing next to a little girl with a nice sign she made . She got on the news , and I was shown next to her . Then came the sirens . The police on motorcycles . The Secret Service cars , and then two limos with flags on the front . They sped through the intersection doing at least 70mph . We all waved . In the blink of an eye , the President was gone . We all just stood there in shock . Was that it ? Then we left . I know he was running a little late , but they could have slowed down just a little for us to see him . So , does it count in seeing the President , if I see his car going by ? Does it count that he may have seen me standing next to the little girl with the sign ? Does a blur count ? I guess so , but it will come with an asterisk . Can we the people share a moment with the President of the United States ? Sad world . If anybody knows how I can see the President without being connected , please let me know .
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We had so much fun Trick - or - Treating the other night ! It didn 't feel like October at all , the weather was balmy . In fact , Michaela was wearing a Winnie the Pooh onesie and was complaining that she was about to die and had on a tank top underneath so her costume was unzipped to her waist and hanging off of her shoulders . Jake was whiny , complaining that his legs hurt and he wanted to go home . And Joey was upset because his bucket wasn 't full , he wanted to keep going door to door all night long . I guess it really wasn 't all that fun . The kids were cute though and got a lot of candy . . . that they went home and ate . . . and then complained about being sick . Joey was even hollering at Ed to come and help him from the bathroom , " Daddy , STICKY SPLAT ! " I looked at Ed , confused . I had never heard this term before the other night . Apparently it is Joey - speak for diarrhea . Yummy . After we got home , the kids handed out some candy . A little . We had about 5 groups of kids come by . It was really sort of depressing . The whole night really kinda sucked to be honest . I got on Facebook and saw posts from friends from my hometown who had kids in costumes , actually smiling ! Trick - or - Treaters were lined up all down the sidewalk . * Sigh * October has historically been a really tough month for me . Ever since Ed and I left Kansas . Maybe it even started that year . You know October is the month that it actually starts to FEEL like football season ( sometimes ) and then I start to miss the games . I miss the South vs . Central rivalry that my grandparents used to take me to , along with every other high school football game throughout the season . Every Friday night we would take the blankets and a thermos of hot chocolate to the stadium downtown . . . Then there 's the World Series . I 've never really liked to watch full baseball games but I sure loved eating ice cream and popcorn in Grandma and Grandpa 's basement while the games were on . I miss the K - State football games , the occasional Chiefs game I used to go to , the Royals games , and even just sitting in a restaurant or bar on Sunday afternoon with like - minded fans . October makes me miss home . This Halloween was another reminder that I 'm not in Kansas anymore . Just like in recent years past , I wanted to go home . But then I have to think about what home has to offer . . . or not . The really big deterrent is that Ed has no job prospects there . That 's more than a small problem . I have to remind myself that as much as I get frustrated with his job , it definitely pays the bills , kind of . My job wouldn 't pay as much there . The government in Kansas is continuing to de - fund Education so my job may not even exist there much longer ! The kids have had tremendous opportunities in Texas and Little Rock . Between gymnastics , soccer , Taekwondo , and the educational opportunities they have had . . . it couldn 't be matched if we had stayed in a small town . They have a lot of life experience that I never knew as a kid . There are certainly things we are missing out on having left " home " . I have to remember all the positive experiences we have had since we left though . We have lived amazing places and had some great times with truly SPECIAL people . When I think of all the friends I would not have made if we had never left . . . it 's worth the sad nostalgia that I feel in October . The experience , love , and friendships we have found along the way are so much more than the longing that my heart feels as the weather starts to cool down . So as I watch the World Series wind down , or the game - winning touchdown any given Friday , Saturday , or Sunday ; the tear that slides down my cheek isn 't so much for the loss or win of that particular game . It 's a combination of the loss from my childhood and the wins I have found elsewhere as an adult . Sad and happy all rolled into one . I was at a training three days this week that took me to the opposite side of town and Jake had an awards program Wednesday morning . We decided I would leave early and take Joey to daycare so Ed could take Jake and Michaela to school then go back to Jake 's assembly before going to work . Once he let Jake or of the car though , Michaela grinned and told him to go park . She said , " I know I 'll be late for school and I might miss out on my field trip this week because of it , but it 's worth it . I want to see him get his award . " Of course Ed let her stay , how could he tell her no after that ? ! Once the assembly started , Jake saw Ed in the crowd and waved . I 'm so proud of Jake for all his hard work , by the way . The award he was receiving was for all As and Bs on his second quarter report card . Not so easy to do with his Tae Kwon do taking up so much time and energy . He is SO stinking smart and such a good student . He even does most of his homework without being asked ! Love that kid to pieces . Anyway , they called his name and as he walked across the stage , he saw his sister waiting on the other side to take his picture and Ed said he just lit up like a Christmas tree ! She took pictures and he asked his teacher to sit with Ed and Michaela the rest of the time . Just in case you were thinking : wait a minute , Michaela ? This can 't be the same Michaela ; after the awards were over several of the kids in Jake 's grade came running up to say hi to her and give her hugs . The principal saw her and said , " hey girl , what are you doing ? " And was happy to realize that Jake was her brother . She had to bask in her noteriety . This is a school of 600 kids and Michaela was only there 6 months last school year . She tends to make an impression quickly . With all of her craziness and as frustrated as we get with her , it just doesn 't even compare to how proud I am off the amazing young lady she is becoming . These little glimpses from the " other side " remind me what a truly wonderful person she is and I know that it will overshadow anything else she Angela Stowell Wow , so I 've fallen off the wagon here . Obviously I just had nothing interesting to write about for the last 2 and a half years . . . NOT ! Jake and Michaela have both been taking Focalin for ADHD on school days only and their teachers can tell within an hour of the start of the day whether or not they forgot it that morning . Jake doesn 't mind taking it , he wants to be able to sit still and he can tell when he doesn 't have it , it makes him " wiggly " . Michaela on the other hand , hates it . ( Surprise . ) Michaela started middle school this year - - 6th grade - - so she has a lot more freedom and the teachers are less inclined to keep track of her and follow up with me about what she is doing . They also don 't have to put up with her all day long so her little " quirks " are less annoying and not as urgent to fix for them . So we thought she was taking her meds each morning with much less fuss than before . Until my parents came to visit for Christmas . We had a great visit with them over the holiday and they were going to take all three kids with them back to Kansas for a week so Ed and I could go to Memphis for New Year 's Eve and the Liberty Bowl game ( K - State vs . Arkansas , great game but we lost : ( I had an AWESOME New Year ! ) so we had to take Joey 's car seat out of Ed 's car . That was when we found " the stash " . Apparently , she has been stuffing her pills under Joey 's car seat in the mornings . Not every morning , but several . I don 't know why this surprised me but . . . So we had to have a talk with her about the cost of the medicine and the importance of taking the medicine we give her because if we take notes of her behavior or talk to her doctor about what is going on we are going under the assumption that she has the meds each day . If that isn 't true , then we are giving inaccurate information to her doctor and that is a problem . About 6 months after my last post , we started taking TaeKwonDo . By " we " I mean the bigs . They have done amazing in their classes and it has really been a great experience for them . I am SO glad that we went this route with them and I really think it has been a God - send for their behavior and self - control . They are still Jake and Michaela , no amount of pixie dust or magic words ( or prayers ! ) will ever make them those kids that will sit at the dinner table and quietly eat their food without spilling drinks , kicking each other under the table , feeding vegetables to the animals , screaming how much they hate the food , or licking the dishes ; but it has certainly helped ! The instructors at our TKD gym have been amazing . They are like having another set of parents that will talk to them about problems at school , self - control , choices , behavior , etc . They take such good care of us , I don 't even mind the small fortune it costs to keep them up to date with their classes and equipment each month ! I keep telling the instructors I 'm going to set up a cot in the gym because I 'm practically paying rent . I 'm also there so often it 's ridiculous . Due to the fact that I was spending five to six days a week at the TKD gym in increments of 1 to 3 hours at a time , I decided I might as well take class too . So I started taking classes in July . It has been AWESOME ! Not only is it a great connection with the kids , it is an amazing workout . I 've greatly increased my endurance and I 've lost over 20 pounds ! I am competing in tournaments with the kids , in fact we have one at the end of this month in Memphis . I 'm hoping to place well and get some points . Michaela was the State and District champion in Combat Sparring ( hitting people with a stick ) last year so I have to give her some competition and motivate her to earn it in something else . I figure if I can be State champ in TWO events then she will be inclined to step it up a notch . ; ) It 's so funny to imagine what new people to our gym must think when they come in . If I 'm taking class , then there is a three - year - old running around - - probably trying to hold up his too - big pants - - playing on a tablet or new model cell phone , screaming at his 11 - year - old sister and 9 - year - old brother who are playing tag or hide and seek with him in the locker rooms . Every so often you hear someone scream and start crying for several minutes , and none of the adults in the other room even look in on it . Of course , it 's just Ed and Angie 's kids . One time our instructor started class with Joey in his arms . I really should probably pay them more . So Joey has taken a few classes but he is not sold on the whole process yet . It usually goes something like " No , I don 't want to take class tonight . " Then five minutes after class starts he is screaming and crying that he wants to take class because he wants to wear his uniform . So we go to the locker room and put on the uniform only to come out and find " No , I don 't want to take class . Take this off . " Then he wants to wear the belt . The process repeats . I finally end up fighting a kicking and screaming kid that doesn 't want to take class , doesn 't want to wear his uniform , and doesn 't want to put on the belt . I keep asking him , why are you crying , you aren 't doing any of those things . I don 't think he gets it . Joey cracks me up . He talks so big from listening to Jake and Michaela I just can 't get over the things he says coming out of that sweet little mouth . Last weekend we were watching the NFL preview show before the Chiefs vs . Texans playoff game ( Chiefs , woot woot ! ) and he asked Ed , " What is this show ? I like this . " Ed told him what it was and the analysts were talking about the Chiefs season and how they started out 1 and 5 at the beginning . Joey says , " 1 and 5 , makes me laugh ! Hahahaha ! " And he continues watching the show like he was actually getting something out of which offense was expected to throw and who was likely going to be the big story of the game . Where does this kid get it ? It 's not like we are into sports ( lol ) . Anyway , so of course we are always running like crazy . But I 'm learning some new tools to help me keep up with things . Hopefully I will be a little better about posting . Maybe this will keep me off Facebook some . I 've noticed that I have a little bit of an addiction . I will scroll through all the new posts on my newsfeed and go back to the top and start again . I start to get frustrated when I refresh the news feed and only have two or three new posts to read . I keep thinking " Where are all my friends ? What are they doing and why are they not posting about it ? I need something new to read ! " At that point I 'm thinking I maybe need to log off and walk away . I don 't think I 'll be unplugging any time soon . This week the kids got to attend soccer camp . They really had a good time and I 'm glad we were able to send them . It was kind of convenient timing because I had a workshop all this week for work and Ed has already taken some vacation time because of my work schedule . The plan was that I would take Joey to daycare and Ed would drop the big kids off at soccer camp Monday through Thursday ( the days of the camp and my workshop ) . I was supposed to work from 8 : 30 - 3 : 30 each of those days . Jake went to camp from 9 - 12 and Michaela went from 9 - 3 so Ed was going to pick up Jake and take him back to work for the afternoon . I would leave work at 2 : 30 , get Joey from daycare , and pick up Michaela to take her to swim team practice . For anyone who is not familiar with living somewhere the size of Little Rock , it takes me a good 30 minutes to get across town on the highway and I work on the opposite corner of town from where we live . So it is not unusual that it takes 30 minutes to an hour to pick them up from one activity and get them to another one . Her swim team group is supposed to practice from 3 : 00 - 3 : 30 on Monday , Wednesday , and Thursday but we got permission for her to go to the practice at 3 : 30 - 4 : 00 this week since soccer camp didn 't end until 3 . We had everything pretty well planned out with minimal disruption to either of our work hours and the kids would be able to attend their regular activities and we only had to pay daycare for Joey for the week . But then on Wednesday we had a slight change of schedule that turned out to be a good thing but is a good example of my daughter 's " Michaela - ness " . On Tuesday , Michaela had a doctor appointment so Ed picked them both up from soccer camp at 12 : 00 and took them to eat and then to her appointment . She had a swim meet at 6 : 00 . After the swim meet , we were talking about camp and Michaela was telling us that she was " helping out " with Jake 's class in the afternoon . I got a little upset because this kind of language usually means that Michaela has found a way to manipulate the instBoth the bigs got great evaluations from their coaches and had a great time at camp . I love that they are doing so well in soccer and enjoying it so much . I think swim team is a great complimentary sport for them to participate in as well . It will keep their bodies strong and build endurance and help them stay active all year . Jake is taking private lessons in order to learn the four strokes so he can join swim team too . He only gets to go once a week but he " practices " in the apartment pool a lot . I was laughing at him swimming backstroke yesterday at his lesson , it was so cute ! The coach had helped him float on his back and then kick his feet while floating and then they tried to add the arms . Oh my goodness , his little arms were everywhere ! They were flailing around and splashing water everywhere , the coach leaned way back away from him to avoid getting smacked in the face ! She instructed him in how to keep his arms straight and turn his palms out when his elbows got to his ears . By the end of the lesson , he was doing much better . It was adorable to watch ! I can 't wait until he is able to join swim team too . I 'm hoping I 'll be able to keep them both swimming all year . Michaela has improved and continues to get better each time she gets in the water . She is so good at breast stroke and is working on freestyle and butterfly . I don 't think she really likes backstroke anymore because she is scared of hitting her head at the other side . I can 't say I blame her , I always was a little apprehensive about that too . Joey is growing so fast , he is nine months and he is pulling himself up on furniture . We are waiting for him to start " cruising " the living room . He really gets around . And he is also not afraid to ask for what he wants , or just take it . When Ed and Jake are trying to play video games , Joey grabs the controllers and pulls on the cords . It frequently causes Ed 's character to jump off a building or run right into the middle of a fire fight . I think it 's kind of funny . We have to hide the controllers in a draweAs busy as this week has been though , the most exciting part has been today . Michaela 's doctor 's appointment on Tuesday was with a psychiatrist to see if he thought she might have ADHD . We have talked to psychologists ; school principals , teachers , and counselors ; a social worker ; and more than one pediatrician trying to find out what is going on with her . We have known since she was two that there were some issues but no one has been able ( or maybe willing ) to say she had ADHD . Finally this year her pediatrician agreed that there is some kind of problem and sent evaluations to be filled out by us and her teacher but even with the teacher and the school counselor , they couldn 't diagnose her with the evaluations and had to refer her to an actual psychiatrist because the pediatrician was convinced she needed medication of some kind but couldn 't prescribe it without the diagnosis . Just FYI , they diagnosed Jake in nothing flat with the evals and he has always been so much easier to deal with than Michaela ! Anyway , the psychiatrist had to get permission from his supervisor but decided to try the same medication and dosage that Jake is on . I waited until today to give it to her because I wanted to be with her in case it made her feel sick or weird . I hesitate to be excited but I can 't help myself after what happened today . We had to drive to another appointment downtown this afternoon and both the trip there and back were QUIET . And don 't forget , these trips are about 20 minutes each way and neither child had any toys , electronics , or other distractions . They sat quietly for the entire ride . Michaela asked me a couple of questions on the way there and on the way home they played quietly with the stickers they got at the appointment . There was even some laughing but it was so quiet , I don 't even know what they were laughing about . I know this probably sounds crazy but anyone who has ever gone anywhere with these two could probably be picked up off the floor right now . I 'm not embarrassed to say , I was pretty choked up thPosted by So school ended three weeks ago and yesterday was my fifth day off . It seems like teaching gets fewer perks and more responsibility every year . With my position as Math Facilitator , I work an extra week after school is out and an extra week before the teachers come back in August in order to help get organized and be ready for the school year . I normally wouldn 't complain about it ( I do get paid for the days unlike when I was coaching ! ) but this year , I was sick on top of it . My last few weeks have been a little more stressful than usual . The last day of classes was Friday May 31st . Michaela had complained the last week of not feeling well but being the last week of school I told her to go and she didn 't want to stay home anyway . I felt fine all day Friday until late that evening when my throat started to feel funny . I ran a fever of 103 all weekend so I went to the doctor Sunday afternoon and found out I had strep so I stayed home Monday . Michaela stayed with me so I could make sure she didn 't spike a fever too since she hadn 't been feeling well but we both went to work / daycare on Tuesday . Wednesday night Jake had a fever so Ed stayed home with him on Thursday and Friday . Ed got sick too and didn 't feel well all weekend with a stomach ache and low fever . Saturday morning , I had to go back to the doctor because the left side of my throat was getting worse and the glands in my neck were huge ! They gave me a different antibiotic ( I had to make about four phone calls and three trips to the pharmacy before I actually got them late Sunday ! ) and I left Monday morning for a conference in Hot Springs , AR . Sometime over the weekend , Michaela spent the night throwing up , I had a stomach ache on top of the strep , and when I got back to town on Wednesday night , Jake was throwing up . Somehow through all of our shared sickness , Joey was fine . We have also stayed busy as usual . Michaela got on the local swim team and has practice Monday , Wednesday , and Thursday from 3 : 00 to 3 : 30 . Jake is in private lessons until he can swim well enough to be on the team . Her meets are Tuesday evenings . Next week , I have workshops Mon - Thurs 8 : 30 to 3 : 30 , Jake is in a half - day soccer camp ( 9 - 12 ) and Michaela is all day ( 9 - 3 ) . The first week of July will be my first week that I don 't have to work any day during the week . Both big kids spent the day yesterday at church camp where they swam , did crafts , and learned about archery . Of course archery was their favorite ! I had to cancel Jake 's first swimming lesson and my housekeeper due to all the illness so the apartment was a mess andDespite being sick the whole first weekend in June and missing work on Monday , I tried to clean up the house and then I went to the grocery store with Michaela because we were out of formula for Joey . She loves to play on my phone and I decided to take the opportunity to teach her a lesson about lying . Michaela has had a long history of telling lies . The seeds of dishonesty sprouted back before she could even put a full sentence together . When she was potty training , we would give her a piece of candy as a reward when she went to the potty . Pretty soon , she would run into the bathroom and flush the potty any time she wanted a piece of candy . She began to plan more devious schemes when she was in preK . She was the last one in her class to fill up her sticker chart to pick a prize from the treasure chest . In fact , some of the other students had filled theirs twice and she had five spaces left on hers . She had gotten several stickers in a two week time frame and we were very proud of her and told her how excited we were that she was minding her teacher in order to get the stickers . Then she had a " great idea " . " Mommy , I can get my own stickers and put them on my star chart to fill it up . My teacher will say ' Now how did that happen ? ' and I will get my prize from the treasure chest ! " We had to explain to her that while her idea was creative and a possible solution to her problem , it was cheating and cheating is not acceptable behavior . We knew at this point that we were in for trouble . Of course she told the usual lies that children tell , " I didn 't hit my brother " , " I don 't know who ate the last cookie " ( with crumbs all over her clothes ) , " The tv came on by itself " , I 'm sure you 've heard these before . Then in Kindergarten , she started sneaking clothes to school so she could change after she was dropped off because she knew Mommy and Daddy wouldn 't approve of what she wanted to wear . She was a teenager in a 5 - year - old body . Anyway , I saw a parenting blog about a mom who decided to teach her son a lesson about lying . II complain a lot about Michaela 's behavior but she is super helpful too . She has SO much fun with baby Joey and is ( usually ) so good to him ! She plays with him and fixes his bottle sometimes . He adores his big sister . He smiles and laughs when she walks by and holds his little arms out for her to pick him up . Joey is crazy about Jake too . He crawls after Jake and they make faces and funny noises at each other and laugh and laugh ! It 's too cute . I get mad at Jake though because he seems to have a weird obsession with putting his feet on the baby . Another frequent phrase I never thought would use , " Get your feet off of your baby brother ! " I can 't figure out what goes on in their crazy little heads . We call Jake and Michaela the bigs . Joey loves his bigs and loves to watch their craziness . I 'm sure " bigs " will be one of his first words ! He 's getting close to words but mostly he just blows raspberries . We had to put a gate across the back of the living room to keep Joey from getting into the cat food , or litter , or falling down the stairs . Michaela likes to get him out of his crib in the morning and play with him . But then she gets involved in a tv show and forgets to watch the baby . Ed woke up to him banging on the bathroom floor in our room one morning so he got dressed and went to get the gate . Joey is growing so fast . If you say " yay ! " Joey claps his hands and smiles . He can roll a tennis ball ( though his aim is not very good ) and he pulls up on stuff now so he is standing . Joey likes to play with cords and the remote controls for the tv and video games . Daddy is proud but gets very angry when his character accidentally jumps of a cliff because Joey grabbed the controller at an inopportune time . Baby 's current favorite game is " Can I have that ? Thank you . " " You want it ? You 're welcome . " We hand a toy back and forth . He gets mad if you try to end the game when he still wants to play and he screams at you and flaps his arms . Just another indication that he is one of the family . I promised the crazies I would take them to the pool this afternoon so I was going to have to wrap up for now . Unfortunately for the children , they decided to throw a ball at each other just now so we are not going . Michaela threw it first and hit Jake in the back so Jake threw it at her and hit her in the face . She started crying and complaining that she only hit him in the back . She apparently didn 't think it was fair that Jake had better aim . They have been working on getting along and playing nicely together and they have been better ( with some obvious slip ups ) . We even made sticker charts for them to keep track of days that they don 't hit or yell at each other and do their chores . We had to include a spot for bathing too , they were starting to stink and I had to cut an inch off of Michaela 's hair because she wouldn 't wash and comb it . I don 't understand why I would have to bribe my children to take a bath . We are going to try to make brownies later . I 'm supposed to have the bigs practice working together so Jake will hold the bowl while Michaela cracks the eggs and adds the oil . Then Michaela will hold the bowl while Jake pours in the mix and stirs . If they can get through this without brownie mix all over the kitchen it will be a miracle . I just don 't want to have to fight them to take a bath after the chocolate fight that Michaela swears she didn 't start . . . wish me luck ! I hate doing birthdays . I am not good at planning and I get all stressed out about booking a party and organizing all the details , especially invitations . How am I supposed to invite kids to a birthday party when I don 't know any of the parents and they can 't hand out invites at school unless everyone is invited ? Birthdays are supposed to be special and the kid should feel like a superstar for a day but what if nobody shows up ? Way too stressful for me . Michaela 's birthday was March 8th and I really wanted to have a big party for her . She didn 't get a birthday party the last two years ( I don 't even want to talk about it ) so this year I started early asking her what she wanted . I was going to give her a painting party . She loves anything to do with art so I thought this would be perfect for her . She told me she wanted to have a gymnastics party instead . I asked her if she was sure she didn 't want to go painting and she said she wanted to see the place first . What 8 - year - old needs to pre - approve party locations ? I don 't know what she expected to find or what she was looking for . It 's a place where you go paint pictures , and she 's even been to a party like that before ! I tried to convice her but she insisted on going there before choosing . Between me starting a new job and Ed working late all week and every weekend for two months , we didn 't get to go " check it out " so she never made a decision , and I never booked a party . So her birthday approached and we didn 't have any big party plans . I did get online and ordered a couple of the American Girl items that she had asked for out of a catalogue and I even had them delivered ON TIME so she got to open them on her birthday ( this is huge for me ) . We ordered a cake that was decorated with zebra stripes and hot pink and blue icing ( her favorite colors ) , took her out to a special birthday supper , invited one of her school friends over for cake that night , and took cupcakes to her soccer team practice the following week . But I still feel like I didn 't do enough . I want to taWe took Michaela to the psychologist today . We have struggled with her behavior and defiance for what seems like forever but a couple of months ago , we hit the breaking point . She was fighting with Ed about getting ready for school one morning and Jake was trying to help out by feeding the cat for her so they could leave as soon as she was dressed . She got mad that " he did her job for her " and said that if she could get away with it she would kill Jake . Now I don 't think she really meant that she would or even wanted to kill him but I can 't just let that go . We talked to the school counselor and got her an appointment to talk to the psychologist with a Child Studies program here in town . Today was the first appointment we could get so it 's a good thing she wasn 't serious . We got there today and the doctor ( I really don 't know if she 's a psychologist , psychiatrist , therapist , etc so doctor is just easiest ) asked us all these questions and talked to Michaela some and she found some things she wants to follow up with . She gave us questionnaires to fill out to help her check for ADHD , OCD , anxiety , and depression . She thinks that mainly Michaela is having some adjustment issues with her younger brothers and maybe with the move from last summer and I think she has really picked up on some of Michaela 's major problems . I 'm ready to try medication . Michaela needs to try a low dose of something and I need a margarita IV . Just this evening , we had a huge blow - up over washing her hair . You would think a 9 - year - old girl would know how to wash and condition her hair without a fight but not Michaela . She got out of the shower quite a while ago and went to her room . I called her out to the living room because I heard her crying . After talking with her for several minutes , she refused to tell me what was wrong and ran back to her room so I followed her . While we were talking , I noticed that her hair wasn 't combed and I asked her to get a brush . I finally got her to tell me she had been crying because the " My Little Pony " TV shoShe is also unbelieveably smart . Over the last month or so , they have been testing Michaela for the alpha program . She gets great grades in school and I don 't believe she is even performing up to her potential . She is allowed to do artwork when she finishes her school work so sometimes she rushes through just to get done . She doesn 't always pay attention to details either . She had to have 14 AR points for this nine - week grading period . She got the 14 points about 4 weeks in but she only had an average of 79 % and it had to be 85 % or better . So she kept taking tests , and lots of them , in order to raise her percentage . I tried to explain to her the difficulty of raising an average but she didn 't quite get it . I think there are lots of adults who don 't get it . Anyway , the week before the grading period was over she came home one day and was so excited that she had finally gotten over 85 % . She had 36 points . So she was able to get almost three times the number of points needed for the nine weeks but struggled to meet the average because she didn 't always read carefully and got less than 80 % on several tests ( so they lower the average and they don 't increase the points either ) . But once she knew she was going to be below the average , she read more carefully and brought it up . She 's completely capable but chooses when and where . So we asked that she be tested for gifted ( alpha ) . I 'm not completely sure yet but I have talked with some people with the district and I think she is going to be accepted in the program . There is also a magnet school that has a specialty program for gifted students that is supposed to be really good so we are looking into sending her there next year . She could even start taking orchestra . We will have to add " practicing " to our list of arguments and ordeals . Maybe she will earn a Tony to go along with the Oscar . Speaking of " practice " , soccer started up again a couple of weeks ago . Jake had a game first and he did SO great ! He got out there and ran as fast as he could up and down the field ; he attacked the ball , even when another player was dribbling down the field ; and he got a goal and an assist ! He was playing like he had back in Texas last spring and I 'm so happy . I love watching them play , they are so happy and they do such a great job on the field . They get along with the other kids and they work as a team . . . it 's awesome watching kids play sports . Michaela 's team had a great first game this season too . They got a few new girls but all of the girls came back from the fall . Michaela played goalie most of the game , she is very aggressive and great at keeping the ball out of the goal . The other team didn 't score a single goal against her . Then she got to play mid - field for the beginning of the second half and she worked with her forwards and she scored two goals of her own . She is awesome . I love watching both of them on the soccer field . I get so worked up though , I 'm always yelling and cheering . It probably annoys the other parents , but I cheer for everybody , not just my kids . If they don 't like it , oh well . It 's not like I 'm gonna change anyway . On the soccer field Jake is doing great but he continues to act like a wild animal at school . A couple of weeks ago , I got a call from his PE teacher that he wasn 't listening in PE class . Who gets in trouble in PE ! ? ! That is the one class that you are SUPPOSED to run around and jump and climb and get a little crazy , how can he screw that up ? Apparently he was angry that it was raining and he didn 't want to do PE indoors because the video they did was too long . So he sat in the middle of the floor and refused to participate . The PE teacher asked him to play along with the other kids and Jake said NO . The teacher told Jake he needed to either participate and do the video or go to the office for telling him no and refusing to do what he was told . Jake chose to go to the office . Five minutes later , another teacher brought Jake back to the gym teacher because she found him wandering around the halls when he DIDN ' T go to the office . So he got a referral to the principal for lying about where he was going on top of everything else . Not good . A few days later , he ended up in the principal 's office again when he argued with his classmate and told him he was going to kill him . So I guess Michaela is rubbing off on Jake . He wasn 't allowed to go to extended day and I had to come pick him up , thank goodness it was already the end of the school day anyway . The principal said if he said it again he would probably get suspended . I don 't know how to make these kids understand that they can 't talk to people like that . Maybe they need to spend some time in an airport and let them see how stupid comments can get people stripped searched , interrogated , and held against their will . And they think I 'm mean . Joey is growing like a little weed , at his check up today he weighed 17 pounds , 6 ounces and was 27 inches long . But the doctor is concerned that he isn 't rolling over yet . The baby has an older brother and sister who adore him and can 't stand to let him cry for two seconds so of course he hasn 't learned to work hard to get to something that he wants . . . they hand it to him to keep him quiet . Surprise ! So I 'm supposed to work with him to get him to roll over in the next couple of weeks and let the doctor know if he still isn 't rolling in another month . I also asked about getting the big kids diagnosed with ADD or ADHD so we could try medication so we got a bunch of paperwork to fill out and they both have appointments in a month to go over the results . I don 't know if I can make it that long . We just can 't seem to get it right . Joey is supposed to be rolling and he won 't , Jake won 't stop rolling when he is supposed to sit still , and Michaela is going to steam roll over anything and anyone that gets in her way . I just roll my eyes and shake my head . When it 's time for bed though and they wrap those sweet little arms around me to give me a great big hug , I don 't even care about all the craziness that happened during the day . That moment gives me the strength I need to get through whatever they decide to shell out tomorrow . Just keep those hugs comin ' ( and a margarita every now and then doesn 't hurt ! ) Posted by After all the sickness in the house last week , I was glad to get back to work on Monday . We had inservice and I sat in meetings all day looking at school related data in order to analyze our strengths and weaknesses in different departments and decide where we can go from here . . . my excitement didn 't last long . Since it was an inservice day though , that meant the kids didn 't have school and had to go to daycare with Joey . Both Jake and Michaela have been to daycare before and should have known what to expect , but they hadn 't been to this one so they were speculating and actually got a little nervous about going . At one point Michaela was whining about being in a room with babies and there would be only baby toys and little kids and there would be nothing for her to do all day . I had to reassure her that there would , in fact , be big kids there and activities for them to play . It turned out fine and they both had a great time . Michaela even made some new friends ! This was the third Monday of the month and this was one of the weeks that the Brownie troop was supposed to meet . I had forgotten about two meetings already so I made a special point to remember this one so Michaela could get back into Girl Scouts , I had even set an alarm on my phone . So instead of going straight home , we stopped at the church where they meet . It was 5 : 45 and they were supposed to meet at 6 : 00 so we waited . It doesn 't sound too bad at first but I didn 't mention that it was raining like Noah had just finished the last nails and it was like 40 degrees out . After I parked the truck , we sat inside for a few minutes but it was already starting to fog over and get cold so I thought we should try to go inside the gym of the church to wait . I had my umbrella in the front seat and I got it out and open before I opened the baby 's door . Jake and Michaela got out the other side and ran off in the opposite direction of the gym . I had to hold the umbrella in the crook of my elbow because I had to use both hands to get the baby carrier out and the wind waWhen we finally got home , I noticed Joey seemed warm so I took his temperture and he was sick . I had meetings with the principal and Superintendent of Secondary Education Tuesday morning and couldn 't stay home so Ed did , even though he had to go to work in the afternoon . I rushed to get ready and get to work Tuesday so I could take care of some paperwork before the meetings and called the pediatrician 's office as soon as they opened to get Joey in to see the doctor before Ed had to go to work . They don 't open until 8 : 00 so I called about 8 : 05 and the only thing they had before 1 : 00pm was in 10 minutes . So I called Ed and had him rush Joey to the office . Poor baby had two ear infections ! They gave him some antibiotics and wanted to see him again in two weeks . I left school as soon as I could to pick up the baby from Ed 's work then I had to go to my doctor 's appointment . At the doctor 's office , everybody loved seeing the baby , they all thought he was just adorable . The nurse even held him and fed him a bottle while I went to use the restroom . I discovered in the bathroom that with the morning 's craziness , I had accidentally put my underwear on inside out ! ( And no , I wasn 't trying to get two days out of them . ) I will have to pay better attention to avoid future , possibly more embarrassing , wardrobe difficulties . So after I saw the doctor , Joey and I picked up the big kids and went home . Jake was super excited when I picked him up because he got a green at school that day . I was so happy for him but you have to realize that " greens " are few and far between for Jake and usually there is some kind of anomoly when he gets one so I asked him if his teacher had been there or if there was a substitute . I shouldn 't have asked , there was a sub . But I was still excited for him and we congratulated him and told him how proud we were . We have been using video games to " motivate " him to behave at school lately and it has helped a little . For each green , he earns one mission on his games over the weekend . We don 't let him play duAfter Eddie changed pants we watched a little TV then I went to bed a little early . Joey hadn 't gotten his medicine yet so I asked Ed to give it to him before putting him down for the night . Ed needs to go to the eye doctor but refuses , so he can 't read the instructions on the medicine bottles and he had to ask me how much Joey needed . ( This is just one of the many reasons I tell people I have FOUR kids . . . ) I told him 1 / 2 a teaspoon . He said , " ok , a tablespoon " , and I said , " no , a TEAspoon . " Well , in the process of correcting his joke , he misinterpreted or misheard , or somehow missed what I said . He gave Joey a full teaspoon of antibiotic . Thank God it wasn 't Tylenol or ibuprofen . He gave Joey two double doses before I noticed Saturday morning . I was holding the baby and asked Ed to get his medicine . He brought me the dropper and I said " you realize this is way over 1 / 2 a teaspoon don 't you ? " Ed : " What do you mean HALF a teaspoon , you told me it was a whole teaspoon ! " Me : " No I told you 1 / 2 . " Ed : " You said a teaspoon . " Me : " I did NOT say ' a teaspoon ' . Why would I say a teaspoon when I know it 's a 1 / 2 teaspoon . You are just mad that you can 't read and are trying to blame this on me ! " Jackass . It wasn 't even a whole teaspoon in the dropper . Looking back , I bet he thought I was saying ONE teaspoon when I had to correct him saying a tablespoon . Either way , it 's his own fault . If he 'd just get his eyes checked he wouldn 't have to ask me in the first place . Friday morning , the kids got up extra early and got dressed right away because they wanted Ed to take them to McDonald 's for breakfast before they went to school . Jake had been so good this week and they were so sweet that morning , ready to go by 6 : 30 ! , so Ed agreed and got up to take them to breakfast . They left for school and I was finishing packing up the baby when my phone rang . It was Ed and I couldn 't imagine what he wanted , I was afraid something was wrong . When I answered , Ed asked if I had left yet . I said no and he asked if I would bring Jake a shirt . " What do you mean bring Jake a shirt ? What kind of shirt ? " The kids have to wear specific uniforms to school but on Fridays they can wear jeans with their Baker tshirts . I thought maybe Jake had worn a regular shirt , or maybe Ed was confused and thought he needed a polo instead of his Baker tee . No , it wasn 't any of that . Jake had been so excited to get dressed and eat breakfast at McDonald 's he hadn 't changed his shirt at all . He was still wearing his batman pajama top ! Fortunately , I had planned to run through McDonald 's for breakfast anyway ( I love their oatmeal ! One of the ladies I work with calls it " crack " oatmeal . It 's REALLY good ! ) so I brought the kid one of his uniform shirts and met Ed in the parking lot . Jake and Michaela were in the booth at the window banging and waving at me . They left dirty handprints all over the window but I decided to look on the bright side , at least it wasn 't cheek , face , or tongue prints . This time . I got my food in the drive thru and went to work to eat . That night , Joey had another episode of his exploding poo . I chalk this one up to the overdose of antibiotics . . . I went to change his jammies and he was almost out of clean sleepers . Michaela brought me the last clean one in the drawer , such a good helper , and I changed the baby . Now , he had worn these jammies just last week and they were just fine but Friday night when I put them on him , they were so short , he couldn 't even straighten his legs ! I knew he was hitting a growth spurt , he had been eating more formula more often all week but I had no idea he was growing so fast ! So I put him in a onsie and a blanket sleeper , the kind that is like a sack , so he would be warm and decided I would have to buy him some bigger jammies at the store over the weekend . I found three new pairs of pajamas for Joey at Walmart Saturday morning . Unfortunately , there weren 't any of Ed 's jammie pants . I got them at Kohl 's originally so I 'll have to check there later . Crazy enough , Michaela is the only one in the family that didn 't have clothing issues this week , she used to be the one that had them all the time . I remember when she was in first grade , we had to start checking her backpack every morning before she went to school because we found out she was going to the bathroom after she got to school and changing clothes . She had a sundress that she had outgrown and she liked to take it and wear it as a skirt with a shirt over it . One day , she convinced Ed to let her wear a button down cardigan with no shirt underneath . It looked terrible and I had to explain to Ed that if he felt it was " not quite right " he shouldn 't let a six - year - old talk him into it . I 'm thankful now for the uniform policy at their new gradeschool . It alleviates some of these problems ! We obviously can 't escape all of the trials of modern fashion but with better attention and planning , maybe we can at least prevent future clothing " accidents " in the busy - ness of day to day life !
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Introduction : Uncle Bob decides to buy into his brother 's farming operation and retire from his own stressful business . And life could be good on the farm . He 's got a beautiful niece and her mother is just as good looking . Happiness is a blowjob , right boys ? Then again . . . maybe not ! Feeding Petunia Bob Davis was in trouble , and it was real trouble . His cock was stiff and he was getting a blow job of sorts , but not by choice and not the kind of blow job he wanted . . . maybe not the kind of blowjob he could even survive . It felt like his balls might just get sucked out through his dick . As he frantically tried to get away from the cute young female whose mouth was firmly attached to his cock , thoughts flashed through his head on how he got in this mess . . . Mandy was a cute girl , of average height , with nice round bouncing breasts , and wide hips below a slim waist . She had straw colored hair that was almost always worn in a pony tail . She was strong for a girl , capable of lifting 80 pound sacks of feed easily , which she did most days on her father 's dairy farm . She had a ready grin , and a quick sense of humor . She was the kind of girl that turned most men on instantly . Boys her age dreamed of getting her out on a date and getting away with . . . things . Men older than she , imagined they were boys her age who were out on dates with her and getting away with . . . things . Bob had watched her grow up from a toddler , to a skinny tree climbing and giggling girl , to a confused pre - teen , and into the flush of her teenage years . He 'd always been her favorite Uncle , even though he was often at odds with her father on things . In High School , Bob had been involved in sports , while his brother Dan had spent all his free time working for old Mr . Miller on his dairy farm . When old Mr . Miller had died , everyone in the county was amazed to find out that he 'd left the operation to Dan in his will . Her father was a country man , who loved the peace and fresh air of the rural areas , while Bob had been seduced by the fast pace and wild times in the city . As a result , when Uncle Bob came to stay at the farm he made fun of his brother for being a hick farmer . He had made fun of Mandy one time when she was eleven and she hadn 't spoken to him for the rest of that trip . She also hadn 't hugged him goodbye . He realized how much he must have hurt her feelings and wrote her a formal letter of apology . The next time he visited things were back to normal . He never kidded either of them about being hicks again . Bob was a consultant in the security business , which meant he traveled a lot , sometimes overseas . But he set his own hours and made a ton of money , and , for a while at least , he even enjoyed not having a real place to call home . As time dragged on , though , he wished he had someplace he could go to between jobs that was more permanent . . . someplace he could display his trophies . . . someplace he could bring a woman back to after a date , not that he was able to date much . He almost envied his brother , who had a beautiful sexy wife and cute sexy daughter , and a real house . Then one day , Bob almost lost a client in a car bombing . Two of his men were injured , one badly . His backup plan worked flawlessly and he got the client out safely . But it made him think about the day when he might not be interested any more in quite that much excitement . He decided to go talk to his brother Dan about becoming a silent partner in the dairy operation . As he drove the hundred and twenty miles from the nearest major airport , Bob realized he hadn 't been out to see his brother in over two years . Business had been good , and Bob had surpassed his dream of someday being a millionaire . Currently he had three million in the bank , and that didn 't count his operating fund . That peace was shattered by squeals of " UNCLE BOB . . . YOU ' RE HERE ! ! ! " He was almost knocked off his feet by the violence of Mandy 's greeting as she flung herself on him , leaving the ground and wrapping her legs around him as she flew into him . Bob felt several things immediately . First of all her breasts were crushed into his chest . Then there was her hot breath on his neck . She didn 't weigh all that much , but when she jumped on him he had to help hold her up , and his hands had ended up on her firm teen bottom . She giggled and dropped her legs from around him , stepping back , but not letting go of him . " Daddy 's in the barn and Momma had to go to town , so I got the job of welcoming you . I 'm supposed to help you get your stuff in the house and get you all settled in and stuff . " He was already off guard , and she drove him further when she reached up on tip toes and kissed him on the mouth . " I 'm just SO GLAD you 're here . " Her eyes slid downward , to the front of his pants , where his boner was plainly visible and she giggled again . She kept him moving , getting his bags out of the car and talking a mile a minute about school , and her 4 - H club activities and asking him questions as she led him into the old house . His bedroom , while the extension was being built , was actually an old storage room that was reached by going down a long dark hallway and through a door on the left . Across the hallway was the back door of the kitchen . He followed her , watching her jeans - clad butt as it undulated in front of him and his hardon crystallized , achieving its full bloom in his pants . He had to put down a suitcase to adjust it so it wasn 't quite so obvious . Because of that Mandy got to the room first and had already plopped the suitcases she was carrying on the bed and opened one of them . She was pulling clothing out and putting it in drawers of an old dresser next to the bed as she chatted on . He wasn 't even listening to her . Mandy was wearing a halter top that showed almost all of her big soft breasts when she bent over . And she was bending over a lot , picking up his socks and shirts and putting them in drawers . He heard her say " Oh Wow ! " and saw that she was holding up a pair of his bikini briefs . They were leopard spotted . She didn 't seem at all abashed by the fact that she was examining her uncle 's underwear . " I bet you look good in these " she said , and then she made that maddening giggling sound again . He saw her drop her eyes to his crotch and almost groaned as he realized his hardon must be showing . She just giggled again and went back to unpacking for him . It was after lunch that things took a turn for the worse . Dan said he had to go into town to a bull auction and would be gone the rest of the day . Mandy said that didn 't matter , since Uncle Bob was going to figure whether to build a new house , or add on to the old one . She could show him the whole operation so he 'd know where things were and how they impacted each other . Lorna said she had baking to do and that it all didn 't matter to her . Which is how Bob ended up trailing behind his sexy niece as she bounced along in front of him . She took him to each outbuilding and then the pasture . He asked her why the pasture mattered and she said that wind direction could make all the difference in the world between a nice summer night , eating watermelon outside , or closing up the house and using the AC because of the stink outside . There was a pond too , and when he saw it he wondered why it wasn 't called a lake . It was huge . Mandy turned to look at him with a speculative look in her eye . " Lets go swimming Uncle Bob . It 's hot and the water will feel good . " And with that she did just that . She shrugged her halter top off and with a quick flip of fingers unbuttoned and unzipped her shorts . When they dropped like a rock , she was standing there stark naked . She was gorgeous , that was for sure . She had freckles all over her chest and the tops of her breasts . She didn 't go topless , because her breasts were white , though there were no lines to show she sunbathed either . Just an even shading from dark to white . Her pubic hair was short , darker than her head hair and did nothing whatsoever to cover her pussy lips . But he wasn 't playing . He knew what would happen if anyone found out he 'd skinny dipped with his 10th grade niece . So he sat down and hid his erection from her while she called him chicken , and a party pooper and a few other things . Still , by the time they left , she hadn 't seen what she 'd done to him and he felt inordinately proud of that for some reason . Of course he was in pain . His balls were bursting as he fantasized about sliding his prick between those puffy pink pussy lips she 'd flashed at him and dumping his load in her tight teen belly . But he maintained control . For a man who took his women pretty much where he found them , it was an amazing exhibition of self control . He had his pants down around his knees and his erection exposed . He leaned against the stall and was about to take hold of his problem when something warm and wet clamped onto it and began sucking . . . HARD ! Bob let out a little yell of fright and looked down to see the head of a calf sticking through the stall boards . That calf was hungry , and it saw something that looked like it was it 's momma 's teat , and it latched on but good . It wasn 't letting go until it got something either . AND , it was . . . munching was the only word . . . and it was PAINFUL ! He slapped at the head of the little calf and she jerked her head . But she didn 't let go . Mandy knew how hard Petunia could suck . She 'd had her finger in that mouth . Luckily she knew how to make Petunia let go . She did that and Uncle Bob fell to the ground in a fetal position . Lorna slowed to a walk and entered the dark barn . She saw Bob lying on the ground by Petunia 's stall and assumed he 'd dropped his pants to take a leak or something . He was moaning and not very cognizant of what was going on around him . " Let 's get him in the house " said Lorna . Together they got their hands under his arms and got him on his feet . He kept trying to pull up his pants and finally Lorna stopped them long enough for her and Mandy to pull his pants up around his thighs . Then Bob could shuffle along better . Lorna said " Don 't you move Bob . I 've got to get an analgesic for that . " She was gone only a moment and when she came back she had a flat tin of paste in her hands . " This is going to burn a little at first Bob , but it will help with the pain . " She greased up her hands and they disappeared from his view as she reached for what was left of his manhood . About then Mandy came in with a bowl of water and a rag . Lorna took it and dipped the rag in the water . " If this hurts too much , just say something . " He felt the rag being used on his skin , then his balls , and finally his penis . His penis was numb . Lorna splashed water at her daughter . " Mandy Sue , this man 's hurt . You shouldn 't be thinking what you 're thinking , girl . " The object of their discussion began to realize that perhaps he wasn 't going to die after all . He raised his head and saw that Lorna had his penis cupped in one hand while she washed it off with the other . She was being very tender about it really . Once he realized there wasn 't actually any real damage , he couldn 't help but concentrate on who was holding on to it . He started to panic as he felt the familiar tingle that meant he was going to get stiff . " Well sure , Momma . But how do we know that Uncle Bob 's is still going to work . Maybe Petunia broke it or something . It used to be a lot bigger than it is now . " " Well , we were down at the pond and I wanted to go swimming and he didn 't and his pants were all full and sticking out and stuff . They were sticking out a lot more than that would make them stick out . " she pointed at the penis in her mother 's hand . " HEY ! " she added . " It 's getting bigger right now ! " Lorna swiveled her head and looked at Bob . His eyes were wide . She had hold of his prick and it was already a little the worse for wear . If she got pissed at him now . . . " That 's because your Uncle is a gentleman , Mandy " she said . She smiled and squeezed his penis . " It 's a rare day these days when you find a man who doesn 't take advantage of a situation . Mandy , bring me that lotion over there . " Mandy came back with a bottle and Lorna put some in her hand . " We 're going to make sure that Uncle Bob 's penis still works Mandy . Now I wouldn 't normally let you watch this , but maybe it 's about time you learned some things . " Well , the first part is working like it 's supposed to . " Said Lorna . Mandy was watching closely . " You see Mandy , when the man 's penis gets erect . . . like this . . . then it 's hard enough to be able to go inside the woman . " " Right here " said Mandy as she touched his balls with one finger . She was bent over and her breasts were showing again . He wanted to cum but she wasn 't jacking quite fast enough . " OH ! " she yelled " OOO ! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH ! " she squealed and then realized that as she had talked , she had tasted it too . And at that instant she realized it didn 't taste bad at all . It was warm , but it wasn 't bad . She stopped talking and concentrated on tasting . Lorna had been amazed at the strength with which her brother - in - law ejaculated . She and Dan had had only Mandy because after that she couldn 't seem to get pregnant any more . She 'd assumed it was because something had happened to her reproductive organs during childbirth . Shed wanted three or four kids but had to settle for just Mandy . As she saw the great first stream of Bob 's semen jet up into the air she realized how tepid her husband 's issue was . When he came it just dribbled a lot . The fact that Mandy had a half smile on her face made Lorna 's pussy get wet . It had been a long time since she 'd had a spurting cock in her mouth and she loved the taste of semen . Her decision was made as a second spurt cleared the tip of Bob 's cock and arced up into the air . She let her mouth fall onto the tip of his cock and , remembering that Petunia had recently bitten him , just sucked gently on the tip and rimmed it with her tongue . She was rewarded with three more respectable shots of love juice , which she happily slurped up and swallowed . There were a lot of things flashing through Lorna 's mind as she sucked off her daughter 's uncle . One was how to justify what she was doing . Mandy was obviously aware of the inappropriateness of what was going on . She decided to just be brazen . She lifted her head , licked her lips and said " Well , we 've determined that the plumbing still works . I guess Petunia didn 't break it after all . " She dabbed at Bob 's shrinking cock with a towel and turned her head to speak to him for the first time directly . " Let 's leave your pants off for now , Bob . There may be some swelling . You can cover that thing up with the sheet or something . I 'll take a look at it later to make sure you 're healing OK . " Bob 's head was whirling . Ever since that calf had latched onto his prick he 'd been off balance . He couldn 't believe his beautiful sister - in - law had just sucked him off , to say nothing of the fact that his niece was wiping every trace of his semen from her face and then sticking the fingers she wiped with in her mouth and sucking them clean . And then there was Lorna 's suggestion that she wasn 't done with him yet . Even now she was pulling his pants off his feet and dropping them on the floor . What had he gotten himself into ? " OK , sweetheart " Lorna said to her daughter . " You come help me in the kitchen while your poor Uncle gets some rest . " She turned to him and said " Take a nap . You need it . " Bob sighed . She apparently decided not to tell Dan that his daughter not only got to see the hand job / blowjob , but actually tasted the product of it too . They talked for a while longer , but he couldn 't understand either of them during that part . He wondered how much longer Dan would let him stay . He got up and put his pants back on . Might as well find out sooner rather than later . He went out into the kitchen where he found Lorna and Dan still talking . Dan cut him off . " I need to tell you something . " He looked at Lorna " And you too honey . I should have told you a long time ago , but I hoped . . . " He stopped for a minute . " Remember right after you had Mandy and that bull kicked me ? " he said . Lorna nodded and he went on . " Well , I had some problems after that I never told you about . I peed blood for a week , for one thing . I went over to Doc Watkins and he took a look and said that there had been some damage . " He looked back at Lorna . " Some BAD damage . I didn 't tell you because I knew you wanted more kids and I hoped things would come back . . . but I guess they never did . I should have told you . " He shook his head . " No , that bull smashed my balls . They don 't produce sperm any more I guess . We were hoping they 'd come back , but they didn 't unless you 've been using birth control . " She shook her head . " But maybe it 's not too late . " he went on . She looked at him puzzled . " You 're still young enough to have a couple more . You 're healthy . I would have suggested this a long time ago except there wasn 't a . . . ah . . . suitable . . . donor . . . until now . " Bob got it . He was astounded , but his business sense kicked in . " I know some good doctors . They worked on some of my people and they 'll know the best in the field for in vitro work . " Dan smiled . " You 've got the money to do that sort of thing . We don 't . Wouldn 't it be cheaper , faster and easier if you just did it the old fashioned way ? " Dan went on . " Come on Lorna , don 't give me that look . If you got so worked up that you sucked him off you can 't tell me you 'd find that distasteful . " Dan kissed her . " You don 't have to explain it to me . This man is family . We can do it his way , or the other way . All I care about is that you get the family you wanted and I promised you . " " Bob , when was the last time you had a real lover ? " said his brother . " You 've hopped all over the world . Did you ever even have the same woman twice ? Now Bob blushed . " I sort of didn 't have any women . They were a liability in my business . You never knew what they were after . Sometimes it can be information about your clients so they can make a hit . " Bob looked at the ceiling . " Well , there was this one girl . I hired her as a secretary . She was a virgin , though , and didn 't tell me until . . . . well it was too late then . Turned out she was supposed to be in college . Her daddy showed up and things started to get ugly . I gave her . . . I guess you could call it a scholarship and she quit . That kind of soured me on women for a few years . There was a flight attendant in Seoul , but all she wanted was oral sex . I had a girlfriend in Philly for a couple of months . She was into oral sex too and didn 't want to go on the pill because she said they made her gain weight . So I only . . . had intercourse with her a couple of times . Then I left on a trip and when I got back she was pregnant , and the timing suggested that it wasn 't mine and she finally confessed she 'd done it with this guy she 'd met and we broke up . That 's pretty much it I guess . " Lorna said " So , other than a virgin once , and your girlfriend two or three times , all you 've had for the last ten years was a few blow jobs ? " She added as if she was talking to herself " No wonder he went off like a bomb . " She blushed then , realizing she 'd said it out loud . Dan stood up . " Why don 't you two talk it over and make a decision . I 've got a bull to unload . " He yelled for Mandy to come help him with the bull and left . Lorna looked at him and then looked down , blushing . " I 'll never understand men . But I 'll understand if you don 't want to . . . " she didn 't finish . She was quiet for a minute . " Bob I 'm going to trust you and say what I really feel . You did the gentlemanly thing with Mandy at the pond , especially since she got naked in front of you . I know what my daughter looks like . So I 'm going to tell you what I think about this idea and hope you don 't abuse my trust . OK ? " She bit her lip . " Bob , I love my husband . He 's the light of my life . But I want more children . And ever since I saw your . . . prick " she said the word on purpose , for it 's impact " I 've wanted it in my pussy making me pregnant . I want it in me right this very minute . My pussy is wet just from talking about it . " Her eyes dropped . " I suppose that makes me a whore . " Bob slammed the table with his hand and she jumped , scared . He put his face up next to hers and said , in an ugly voice . " Don 't EVER let me hear you refer to yourself that way again . " Lorna jumped up and threw her arms around Bob . " Thank you so much Bob . . . you have no idea how much this means to me . . I promise you won 't be sorry , oh , let 's go tell Dan . He wanted boys and when I couldn 't have more than Mandy I know it just killed him . " She came to his bed that very night . After everyone had gone to bed she got up and came into his room . It was noisy for both of them . Lorna hadn 't had a really stiff long cock in her since the bull kicked Dan , and Bob was so horny from thinking about it that he was as hard and long as he 'd ever been in his life . Lorna didn 't like the idea of not getting to sleep with her husband . So , she decided that daytime was just as good for getting pregnant as nighttime was . She 'd send Mandy to town to get something and then grab Bob . They were like newlyweds . He fucked her on her bed , on the kitchen table , standing up in the pantry . Both of them knew that , as far as TRYING to get pregnant , they weren 't going about it scientifically , but they were having so much fun being lovers that they didn 't care . They didn 't flaunt it in front of Dan , for which he was grateful . He didn 't try to find out how often they ' tried ' to get a baby in her belly . Bob still spent hours and hours with his niece , but if she got him going - and she always got him going - he now had an outlet that didn 't require either his hand or a calf . It was inevitable , however , that Mandy would find out about her mother 's new lover . It happened on a Saturday when Dan was again gone to the auction . Lorna sent Mandy to town to get some flour , but Mandy took off without the money . When she returned she went to her mother 's room , where her purse would be . What she found there astounded her . She opened the door just as her Uncle , stark naked , fisted his penis , that nice long hard penis she 'd seen a week ago , and nestled the head of it between her mother 's fat labia . She could see that her mother was naked too and that her hips were working up and down . Lorna sighed and pushed at Bob , who dragged his still stiff bone out of her pussy . It was shiny and wet looking . He sat back on the bed , his erection sticking up from his brown nest of pubic hair . " Yes dear . " said her mother patiently . " Your father and I want to have more children , but we found out Daddy can 't . A bull kicked him and . . . hurt him . " Her hands went out , open for Bob . Not knowing what else to do he crawled between her thighs . The fact that Mandy was still standing there , watching , made him harder , not softer . " OK Momma " said the girl . She went to the purse and extracted the money , sneaking looks at the two adults on the bed . Then she went to the door and turned around . Lorna felt Bob 's cock . " My my , perhaps we should let her watch more often . " She slotted it in her pussy again and said " Now Bob " . It was too hot for him and he came almost immediately . He stayed hard as stone , though and continued pounding Lorna as she cooed and told him how good it felt . She knew he 'd cum too , but was enjoying the thorough fucking she was getting . She let her orgasm wash over her , no longer caring that her teenage daughter was watching . She knew in a distant part of her mind that her daughter would probably want to explore this new thing , and that she 'd probably want to explore it with the same man who was pleasing her mother so much right now . She sighed as she felt Bob 's prick give up even more of it 's hot cargo and she welcomed it into her womb . He reached for her hand . " You 're the sexiest woman I 've ever met . When I cum in you I 'm thinking of YOU , and no one else . " That 's one of the nicest compliments I 've ever gotten . One of the dirtiest too , but nice . " She laughed . " She 's going to want to try what she saw , though . " " Bob , come on . Think of her , naked , in the back seat of some car , with some pimply faced boy . What does that feel like ? " " Why not . She obviously likes the idea . She 'd never have gotten naked in front of you otherwise . AND she tasted your sperm and LIKED it ! " " OK , but royalty have done that for centuries , and besides , we 're not talking about getting her with child . I know when her cycle 's due . She 's safe right now , for instance . You let me handle Dan . I 'd rather it was you than some boy who sticks it in her and hurts her . " After lunch Lorna organized a haying party . Dan dealt with the stock for the most part , and one of Lorna 's jobs was cutting and baling hay . She drafted Bob and Mandy , saying that Mandy could teach Bob how to run the hay rake . About four in the afternoon Lorna pulled off beside some trees that were growing by the pond . She spread out a blanket and put some snacks and drinks out on it . Then she started taking off her clothes . " I 'm going swimming " she yelled . She reached behind her and the bra snapped loose , freeing her beautiful melons . Then she skinned her panties off and ran for the water . " Let 's go " said his niece . Then she got naked the same way she had before . A shrug and the halter top was loose . She wasn 't wearing any panties under her shorts this time either . She ran for the water and began splashing her mother . " Yes , it has to be a penis the girl likes . On a man she likes . On a man she trusts not to hurt her . Does your pussy itch right now honey ? " " Don 't you worry baby " said her mother . " It 's perfectly normal . Do you want to . . . touch Uncle Bob 's penis honey ? " Mandy decided she wanted to taste the sperm again , and when he warned her he was cumming she clamped her lips over the head of his cock like she 'd seen her mother do that day . When his seed filled her mouth she gulped it greedily and smiled with spermy lips when she was done . " I did it Momma ? Just like you did ! " She got a hug . " I 'm addicted " she said simply . " That 's why . I 'm doing Dan almost as much as I 'm doing you . " she smiled . " He 's pretty happy about it . " " Yes dear . That 's why you need to be very careful if you decide to have intercourse yourself . If you do that with your Uncle he could make a baby in you too . " She was already panting when she lay back and spread her legs . Her Uncle surprised her when , instead of mounting here like he had her mother , he leaned in and planted a kiss on her tight teen pussy mouth . Then he stuck his tongue in her and she was off to the races . Her hips came up off the blanket and slapped her pussy into his face . Bob knew he had to do this right . He made sure Mandy came twice before he crawled up and told her he was going to put it in her . Her eyes were hot as she grabbed his shoulders with her hands and pulled him down for a kiss . She gasped and wiggled and her face turned to her mother 's . " It feels . . . weird " she panted . He gave her some more , plenty enough to have hit her hymen if she still had one . Apparently she didn 't because he felt no resistance other than the tightness of an un - fucked pussy . She squealed , telling her mother " I think it happened in there Momma , it feels all hot and wet . " Bob continued reaming her out as she flopped and came and flopped some more . She finally fell back limp and helpless as he felt his second charge move into place . He delivered those long ropes of sticky cum into her womb with almost no effort , letting his internal muscles push it out into the cute teen . Then he rolled and collapsed . Mandy lay there , spread out on the blanket , her pussy mouth overflowing with thick rich sperm . Mandy panted out " I know . . . why . . . you like . . . doing this . . . Momma . " Four years later , a visitor to town might hear some of the townsfolk talk about how a body should take care not to drink the water out by the Davis spread . There were eight yong ' uns out there nowadays . Dan must be working overtime with that wife of his , or else he wanted her barefoot and pregnant .
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Introduction : Uncle Bob decides to buy into his brother 's farming operation and retire from his own stressful business . And life could be good on the farm . He 's got a beautiful niece and her mother is just as good looking . Happiness is a blowjob , right boys ? Then again . . . maybe not ! Feeding Petunia Bob Davis was in trouble , and it was real trouble . His cock was stiff and he was getting a blow job of sorts , but not by choice and not the kind of blow job he wanted . . . maybe not the kind of blowjob he could even survive . It felt like his balls might just get sucked out through his dick . As he frantically tried to get away from the cute young female whose mouth was firmly attached to his cock , thoughts flashed through his head on how he got in this mess . . . Mandy was a cute girl , of average height , with nice round bouncing breasts , and wide hips below a slim waist . She had straw colored hair that was almost always worn in a pony tail . She was strong for a girl , capable of lifting 80 pound sacks of feed easily , which she did most days on her father 's dairy farm . She had a ready grin , and a quick sense of humor . She was the kind of girl that turned most men on instantly . Boys her age dreamed of getting her out on a date and getting away with . . . things . Men older than she , imagined they were boys her age who were out on dates with her and getting away with . . . things . Bob had watched her grow up from a toddler , to a skinny tree climbing and giggling girl , to a confused pre - teen , and into the flush of her teenage years . He 'd always been her favorite Uncle , even though he was often at odds with her father on things . In High School , Bob had been involved in sports , while his brother Dan had spent all his free time working for old Mr . Miller on his dairy farm . When old Mr . Miller had died , everyone in the county was amazed to find out that he 'd left the operation to Dan in his will . Her father was a country man , who loved the peace and fresh air of the rural areas , while Bob had been seduced by the fast pace and wild times in the city . As a result , when Uncle Bob came to stay at the farm he made fun of his brother for being a hick farmer . He had made fun of Mandy one time when she was eleven and she hadn 't spoken to him for the rest of that trip . She also hadn 't hugged him goodbye . He realized how much he must have hurt her feelings and wrote her a formal letter of apology . The next time he visited things were back to normal . He never kidded either of them about being hicks again . Bob was a consultant in the security business , which meant he traveled a lot , sometimes overseas . But he set his own hours and made a ton of money , and , for a while at least , he even enjoyed not having a real place to call home . As time dragged on , though , he wished he had someplace he could go to between jobs that was more permanent . . . someplace he could display his trophies . . . someplace he could bring a woman back to after a date , not that he was able to date much . He almost envied his brother , who had a beautiful sexy wife and cute sexy daughter , and a real house . Then one day , Bob almost lost a client in a car bombing . Two of his men were injured , one badly . His backup plan worked flawlessly and he got the client out safely . But it made him think about the day when he might not be interested any more in quite that much excitement . He decided to go talk to his brother Dan about becoming a silent partner in the dairy operation . As he drove the hundred and twenty miles from the nearest major airport , Bob realized he hadn 't been out to see his brother in over two years . Business had been good , and Bob had surpassed his dream of someday being a millionaire . Currently he had three million in the bank , and that didn 't count his operating fund . That peace was shattered by squeals of " UNCLE BOB . . . YOU ' RE HERE ! ! ! " He was almost knocked off his feet by the violence of Mandy 's greeting as she flung herself on him , leaving the ground and wrapping her legs around him as she flew into him . Bob felt several things immediately . First of all her breasts were crushed into his chest . Then there was her hot breath on his neck . She didn 't weigh all that much , but when she jumped on him he had to help hold her up , and his hands had ended up on her firm teen bottom . She giggled and dropped her legs from around him , stepping back , but not letting go of him . " Daddy 's in the barn and Momma had to go to town , so I got the job of welcoming you . I 'm supposed to help you get your stuff in the house and get you all settled in and stuff . " He was already off guard , and she drove him further when she reached up on tip toes and kissed him on the mouth . " I 'm just SO GLAD you 're here . " Her eyes slid downward , to the front of his pants , where his boner was plainly visible and she giggled again . She kept him moving , getting his bags out of the car and talking a mile a minute about school , and her 4 - H club activities and asking him questions as she led him into the old house . His bedroom , while the extension was being built , was actually an old storage room that was reached by going down a long dark hallway and through a door on the left . Across the hallway was the back door of the kitchen . He followed her , watching her jeans - clad butt as it undulated in front of him and his hardon crystallized , achieving its full bloom in his pants . He had to put down a suitcase to adjust it so it wasn 't quite so obvious . Because of that Mandy got to the room first and had already plopped the suitcases she was carrying on the bed and opened one of them . She was pulling clothing out and putting it in drawers of an old dresser next to the bed as she chatted on . He wasn 't even listening to her . Mandy was wearing a halter top that showed almost all of her big soft breasts when she bent over . And she was bending over a lot , picking up his socks and shirts and putting them in drawers . He heard her say " Oh Wow ! " and saw that she was holding up a pair of his bikini briefs . They were leopard spotted . She didn 't seem at all abashed by the fact that she was examining her uncle 's underwear . " I bet you look good in these " she said , and then she made that maddening giggling sound again . He saw her drop her eyes to his crotch and almost groaned as he realized his hardon must be showing . She just giggled again and went back to unpacking for him . It was after lunch that things took a turn for the worse . Dan said he had to go into town to a bull auction and would be gone the rest of the day . Mandy said that didn 't matter , since Uncle Bob was going to figure whether to build a new house , or add on to the old one . She could show him the whole operation so he 'd know where things were and how they impacted each other . Lorna said she had baking to do and that it all didn 't matter to her . Which is how Bob ended up trailing behind his sexy niece as she bounced along in front of him . She took him to each outbuilding and then the pasture . He asked her why the pasture mattered and she said that wind direction could make all the difference in the world between a nice summer night , eating watermelon outside , or closing up the house and using the AC because of the stink outside . There was a pond too , and when he saw it he wondered why it wasn 't called a lake . It was huge . Mandy turned to look at him with a speculative look in her eye . " Lets go swimming Uncle Bob . It 's hot and the water will feel good . " And with that she did just that . She shrugged her halter top off and with a quick flip of fingers unbuttoned and unzipped her shorts . When they dropped like a rock , she was standing there stark naked . She was gorgeous , that was for sure . She had freckles all over her chest and the tops of her breasts . She didn 't go topless , because her breasts were white , though there were no lines to show she sunbathed either . Just an even shading from dark to white . Her pubic hair was short , darker than her head hair and did nothing whatsoever to cover her pussy lips . But he wasn 't playing . He knew what would happen if anyone found out he 'd skinny dipped with his 10th grade niece . So he sat down and hid his erection from her while she called him chicken , and a party pooper and a few other things . Still , by the time they left , she hadn 't seen what she 'd done to him and he felt inordinately proud of that for some reason . Of course he was in pain . His balls were bursting as he fantasized about sliding his prick between those puffy pink pussy lips she 'd flashed at him and dumping his load in her tight teen belly . But he maintained control . For a man who took his women pretty much where he found them , it was an amazing exhibition of self control . He had his pants down around his knees and his erection exposed . He leaned against the stall and was about to take hold of his problem when something warm and wet clamped onto it and began sucking . . . HARD ! Bob let out a little yell of fright and looked down to see the head of a calf sticking through the stall boards . That calf was hungry , and it saw something that looked like it was it 's momma 's teat , and it latched on but good . It wasn 't letting go until it got something either . AND , it was . . . munching was the only word . . . and it was PAINFUL ! He slapped at the head of the little calf and she jerked her head . But she didn 't let go . Mandy knew how hard Petunia could suck . She 'd had her finger in that mouth . Luckily she knew how to make Petunia let go . She did that and Uncle Bob fell to the ground in a fetal position . Lorna slowed to a walk and entered the dark barn . She saw Bob lying on the ground by Petunia 's stall and assumed he 'd dropped his pants to take a leak or something . He was moaning and not very cognizant of what was going on around him . " Let 's get him in the house " said Lorna . Together they got their hands under his arms and got him on his feet . He kept trying to pull up his pants and finally Lorna stopped them long enough for her and Mandy to pull his pants up around his thighs . Then Bob could shuffle along better . Lorna said " Don 't you move Bob . I 've got to get an analgesic for that . " She was gone only a moment and when she came back she had a flat tin of paste in her hands . " This is going to burn a little at first Bob , but it will help with the pain . " She greased up her hands and they disappeared from his view as she reached for what was left of his manhood . About then Mandy came in with a bowl of water and a rag . Lorna took it and dipped the rag in the water . " If this hurts too much , just say something . " He felt the rag being used on his skin , then his balls , and finally his penis . His penis was numb . Lorna splashed water at her daughter . " Mandy Sue , this man 's hurt . You shouldn 't be thinking what you 're thinking , girl . " The object of their discussion began to realize that perhaps he wasn 't going to die after all . He raised his head and saw that Lorna had his penis cupped in one hand while she washed it off with the other . She was being very tender about it really . Once he realized there wasn 't actually any real damage , he couldn 't help but concentrate on who was holding on to it . He started to panic as he felt the familiar tingle that meant he was going to get stiff . " Well sure , Momma . But how do we know that Uncle Bob 's is still going to work . Maybe Petunia broke it or something . It used to be a lot bigger than it is now . " " Well , we were down at the pond and I wanted to go swimming and he didn 't and his pants were all full and sticking out and stuff . They were sticking out a lot more than that would make them stick out . " she pointed at the penis in her mother 's hand . " HEY ! " she added . " It 's getting bigger right now ! " Lorna swiveled her head and looked at Bob . His eyes were wide . She had hold of his prick and it was already a little the worse for wear . If she got pissed at him now . . . " That 's because your Uncle is a gentleman , Mandy " she said . She smiled and squeezed his penis . " It 's a rare day these days when you find a man who doesn 't take advantage of a situation . Mandy , bring me that lotion over there . " Mandy came back with a bottle and Lorna put some in her hand . " We 're going to make sure that Uncle Bob 's penis still works Mandy . Now I wouldn 't normally let you watch this , but maybe it 's about time you learned some things . " Well , the first part is working like it 's supposed to . " Said Lorna . Mandy was watching closely . " You see Mandy , when the man 's penis gets erect . . . like this . . . then it 's hard enough to be able to go inside the woman . " " Right here " said Mandy as she touched his balls with one finger . She was bent over and her breasts were showing again . He wanted to cum but she wasn 't jacking quite fast enough . " OH ! " she yelled " OOO ! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH ! " she squealed and then realized that as she had talked , she had tasted it too . And at that instant she realized it didn 't taste bad at all . It was warm , but it wasn 't bad . She stopped talking and concentrated on tasting . Lorna had been amazed at the strength with which her brother - in - law ejaculated . She and Dan had had only Mandy because after that she couldn 't seem to get pregnant any more . She 'd assumed it was because something had happened to her reproductive organs during childbirth . Shed wanted three or four kids but had to settle for just Mandy . As she saw the great first stream of Bob 's semen jet up into the air she realized how tepid her husband 's issue was . When he came it just dribbled a lot . The fact that Mandy had a half smile on her face made Lorna 's pussy get wet . It had been a long time since she 'd had a spurting cock in her mouth and she loved the taste of semen . Her decision was made as a second spurt cleared the tip of Bob 's cock and arced up into the air . She let her mouth fall onto the tip of his cock and , remembering that Petunia had recently bitten him , just sucked gently on the tip and rimmed it with her tongue . She was rewarded with three more respectable shots of love juice , which she happily slurped up and swallowed . There were a lot of things flashing through Lorna 's mind as she sucked off her daughter 's uncle . One was how to justify what she was doing . Mandy was obviously aware of the inappropriateness of what was going on . She decided to just be brazen . She lifted her head , licked her lips and said " Well , we 've determined that the plumbing still works . I guess Petunia didn 't break it after all . " She dabbed at Bob 's shrinking cock with a towel and turned her head to speak to him for the first time directly . " Let 's leave your pants off for now , Bob . There may be some swelling . You can cover that thing up with the sheet or something . I 'll take a look at it later to make sure you 're healing OK . " Bob 's head was whirling . Ever since that calf had latched onto his prick he 'd been off balance . He couldn 't believe his beautiful sister - in - law had just sucked him off , to say nothing of the fact that his niece was wiping every trace of his semen from her face and then sticking the fingers she wiped with in her mouth and sucking them clean . And then there was Lorna 's suggestion that she wasn 't done with him yet . Even now she was pulling his pants off his feet and dropping them on the floor . What had he gotten himself into ? " OK , sweetheart " Lorna said to her daughter . " You come help me in the kitchen while your poor Uncle gets some rest . " She turned to him and said " Take a nap . You need it . " Bob sighed . She apparently decided not to tell Dan that his daughter not only got to see the hand job / blowjob , but actually tasted the product of it too . They talked for a while longer , but he couldn 't understand either of them during that part . He wondered how much longer Dan would let him stay . He got up and put his pants back on . Might as well find out sooner rather than later . He went out into the kitchen where he found Lorna and Dan still talking . Dan cut him off . " I need to tell you something . " He looked at Lorna " And you too honey . I should have told you a long time ago , but I hoped . . . " He stopped for a minute . " Remember right after you had Mandy and that bull kicked me ? " he said . Lorna nodded and he went on . " Well , I had some problems after that I never told you about . I peed blood for a week , for one thing . I went over to Doc Watkins and he took a look and said that there had been some damage . " He looked back at Lorna . " Some BAD damage . I didn 't tell you because I knew you wanted more kids and I hoped things would come back . . . but I guess they never did . I should have told you . " He shook his head . " No , that bull smashed my balls . They don 't produce sperm any more I guess . We were hoping they 'd come back , but they didn 't unless you 've been using birth control . " She shook her head . " But maybe it 's not too late . " he went on . She looked at him puzzled . " You 're still young enough to have a couple more . You 're healthy . I would have suggested this a long time ago except there wasn 't a . . . ah . . . suitable . . . donor . . . until now . " Bob got it . He was astounded , but his business sense kicked in . " I know some good doctors . They worked on some of my people and they 'll know the best in the field for in vitro work . " Dan smiled . " You 've got the money to do that sort of thing . We don 't . Wouldn 't it be cheaper , faster and easier if you just did it the old fashioned way ? " Dan went on . " Come on Lorna , don 't give me that look . If you got so worked up that you sucked him off you can 't tell me you 'd find that distasteful . " Dan kissed her . " You don 't have to explain it to me . This man is family . We can do it his way , or the other way . All I care about is that you get the family you wanted and I promised you . " " Bob , when was the last time you had a real lover ? " said his brother . " You 've hopped all over the world . Did you ever even have the same woman twice ? Now Bob blushed . " I sort of didn 't have any women . They were a liability in my business . You never knew what they were after . Sometimes it can be information about your clients so they can make a hit . " Bob looked at the ceiling . " Well , there was this one girl . I hired her as a secretary . She was a virgin , though , and didn 't tell me until . . . . well it was too late then . Turned out she was supposed to be in college . Her daddy showed up and things started to get ugly . I gave her . . . I guess you could call it a scholarship and she quit . That kind of soured me on women for a few years . There was a flight attendant in Seoul , but all she wanted was oral sex . I had a girlfriend in Philly for a couple of months . She was into oral sex too and didn 't want to go on the pill because she said they made her gain weight . So I only . . . had intercourse with her a couple of times . Then I left on a trip and when I got back she was pregnant , and the timing suggested that it wasn 't mine and she finally confessed she 'd done it with this guy she 'd met and we broke up . That 's pretty much it I guess . " Lorna said " So , other than a virgin once , and your girlfriend two or three times , all you 've had for the last ten years was a few blow jobs ? " She added as if she was talking to herself " No wonder he went off like a bomb . " She blushed then , realizing she 'd said it out loud . Dan stood up . " Why don 't you two talk it over and make a decision . I 've got a bull to unload . " He yelled for Mandy to come help him with the bull and left . Lorna looked at him and then looked down , blushing . " I 'll never understand men . But I 'll understand if you don 't want to . . . " she didn 't finish . She was quiet for a minute . " Bob I 'm going to trust you and say what I really feel . You did the gentlemanly thing with Mandy at the pond , especially since she got naked in front of you . I know what my daughter looks like . So I 'm going to tell you what I think about this idea and hope you don 't abuse my trust . OK ? " She bit her lip . " Bob , I love my husband . He 's the light of my life . But I want more children . And ever since I saw your . . . prick " she said the word on purpose , for it 's impact " I 've wanted it in my pussy making me pregnant . I want it in me right this very minute . My pussy is wet just from talking about it . " Her eyes dropped . " I suppose that makes me a whore . " Bob slammed the table with his hand and she jumped , scared . He put his face up next to hers and said , in an ugly voice . " Don 't EVER let me hear you refer to yourself that way again . " Lorna jumped up and threw her arms around Bob . " Thank you so much Bob . . . you have no idea how much this means to me . . I promise you won 't be sorry , oh , let 's go tell Dan . He wanted boys and when I couldn 't have more than Mandy I know it just killed him . " She came to his bed that very night . After everyone had gone to bed she got up and came into his room . It was noisy for both of them . Lorna hadn 't had a really stiff long cock in her since the bull kicked Dan , and Bob was so horny from thinking about it that he was as hard and long as he 'd ever been in his life . Lorna didn 't like the idea of not getting to sleep with her husband . So , she decided that daytime was just as good for getting pregnant as nighttime was . She 'd send Mandy to town to get something and then grab Bob . They were like newlyweds . He fucked her on her bed , on the kitchen table , standing up in the pantry . Both of them knew that , as far as TRYING to get pregnant , they weren 't going about it scientifically , but they were having so much fun being lovers that they didn 't care . They didn 't flaunt it in front of Dan , for which he was grateful . He didn 't try to find out how often they ' tried ' to get a baby in her belly . Bob still spent hours and hours with his niece , but if she got him going - and she always got him going - he now had an outlet that didn 't require either his hand or a calf . It was inevitable , however , that Mandy would find out about her mother 's new lover . It happened on a Saturday when Dan was again gone to the auction . Lorna sent Mandy to town to get some flour , but Mandy took off without the money . When she returned she went to her mother 's room , where her purse would be . What she found there astounded her . She opened the door just as her Uncle , stark naked , fisted his penis , that nice long hard penis she 'd seen a week ago , and nestled the head of it between her mother 's fat labia . She could see that her mother was naked too and that her hips were working up and down . Lorna sighed and pushed at Bob , who dragged his still stiff bone out of her pussy . It was shiny and wet looking . He sat back on the bed , his erection sticking up from his brown nest of pubic hair . " Yes dear . " said her mother patiently . " Your father and I want to have more children , but we found out Daddy can 't . A bull kicked him and . . . hurt him . " Her hands went out , open for Bob . Not knowing what else to do he crawled between her thighs . The fact that Mandy was still standing there , watching , made him harder , not softer . " OK Momma " said the girl . She went to the purse and extracted the money , sneaking looks at the two adults on the bed . Then she went to the door and turned around . Lorna felt Bob 's cock . " My my , perhaps we should let her watch more often . " She slotted it in her pussy again and said " Now Bob " . It was too hot for him and he came almost immediately . He stayed hard as stone , though and continued pounding Lorna as she cooed and told him how good it felt . She knew he 'd cum too , but was enjoying the thorough fucking she was getting . She let her orgasm wash over her , no longer caring that her teenage daughter was watching . She knew in a distant part of her mind that her daughter would probably want to explore this new thing , and that she 'd probably want to explore it with the same man who was pleasing her mother so much right now . She sighed as she felt Bob 's prick give up even more of it 's hot cargo and she welcomed it into her womb . He reached for her hand . " You 're the sexiest woman I 've ever met . When I cum in you I 'm thinking of YOU , and no one else . " That 's one of the nicest compliments I 've ever gotten . One of the dirtiest too , but nice . " She laughed . " She 's going to want to try what she saw , though . " " Bob , come on . Think of her , naked , in the back seat of some car , with some pimply faced boy . What does that feel like ? " " Why not . She obviously likes the idea . She 'd never have gotten naked in front of you otherwise . AND she tasted your sperm and LIKED it ! " " OK , but royalty have done that for centuries , and besides , we 're not talking about getting her with child . I know when her cycle 's due . She 's safe right now , for instance . You let me handle Dan . I 'd rather it was you than some boy who sticks it in her and hurts her . " After lunch Lorna organized a haying party . Dan dealt with the stock for the most part , and one of Lorna 's jobs was cutting and baling hay . She drafted Bob and Mandy , saying that Mandy could teach Bob how to run the hay rake . About four in the afternoon Lorna pulled off beside some trees that were growing by the pond . She spread out a blanket and put some snacks and drinks out on it . Then she started taking off her clothes . " I 'm going swimming " she yelled . She reached behind her and the bra snapped loose , freeing her beautiful melons . Then she skinned her panties off and ran for the water . " Let 's go " said his niece . Then she got naked the same way she had before . A shrug and the halter top was loose . She wasn 't wearing any panties under her shorts this time either . She ran for the water and began splashing her mother . " Yes , it has to be a penis the girl likes . On a man she likes . On a man she trusts not to hurt her . Does your pussy itch right now honey ? " " Don 't you worry baby " said her mother . " It 's perfectly normal . Do you want to . . . touch Uncle Bob 's penis honey ? " Mandy decided she wanted to taste the sperm again , and when he warned her he was cumming she clamped her lips over the head of his cock like she 'd seen her mother do that day . When his seed filled her mouth she gulped it greedily and smiled with spermy lips when she was done . " I did it Momma ? Just like you did ! " She got a hug . " I 'm addicted " she said simply . " That 's why . I 'm doing Dan almost as much as I 'm doing you . " she smiled . " He 's pretty happy about it . " " Yes dear . That 's why you need to be very careful if you decide to have intercourse yourself . If you do that with your Uncle he could make a baby in you too . " She was already panting when she lay back and spread her legs . Her Uncle surprised her when , instead of mounting here like he had her mother , he leaned in and planted a kiss on her tight teen pussy mouth . Then he stuck his tongue in her and she was off to the races . Her hips came up off the blanket and slapped her pussy into his face . Bob knew he had to do this right . He made sure Mandy came twice before he crawled up and told her he was going to put it in her . Her eyes were hot as she grabbed his shoulders with her hands and pulled him down for a kiss . She gasped and wiggled and her face turned to her mother 's . " It feels . . . weird " she panted . He gave her some more , plenty enough to have hit her hymen if she still had one . Apparently she didn 't because he felt no resistance other than the tightness of an un - fucked pussy . She squealed , telling her mother " I think it happened in there Momma , it feels all hot and wet . " Bob continued reaming her out as she flopped and came and flopped some more . She finally fell back limp and helpless as he felt his second charge move into place . He delivered those long ropes of sticky cum into her womb with almost no effort , letting his internal muscles push it out into the cute teen . Then he rolled and collapsed . Mandy lay there , spread out on the blanket , her pussy mouth overflowing with thick rich sperm . Mandy panted out " I know . . . why . . . you like . . . doing this . . . Momma . " Four years later , a visitor to town might hear some of the townsfolk talk about how a body should take care not to drink the water out by the Davis spread . There were eight yong ' uns out there nowadays . Dan must be working overtime with that wife of his , or else he wanted her barefoot and pregnant .
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He was forty and growing restless in his marriage . She was twenty - eight . Beautiful and vibrant in a way that only those who live life fully can be . They met completely by accident . This may be difficult for some to even imagine in our current world of online profiles , emails and texting , but at one time people used to bump into each other in public and strike up random , friendly conversations with one another . She dropped a package on the street while trying to open the door to the book store with her elbow . He picked up her package and got the door for her . Neither were there for the books as it turned out , but rather for the coffee shop in the rear as a respite from the crowds of holiday shoppers . They chatted as they stood in line waiting to order . As it turned out , once they got their drinks there was only one table left available and they sat down and shared a warm beverage together . He did not lie or act coy about the fact of his wife and children . In fact , he spoke of them lovingly and with pride . Oddly , this made him more attractive to her . She knew it was wrong to feel the tug of emotion while they spoke . She forced herself not to reach across the table and touch his hand as she so wanted to do . He knew it was wrong to ask her to join him for dinner . He rationalized it in his mind that it was only a meal . She rationalized it the same way when she smiled and said " yes " . This is how it began . Neither one wanting to investigate their behavior more fully . To do so would surely have meant they would have walked away from each other and remained strangers . He thought , at first , that he could compartmentalize his life . That she would simply be a bit of enjoyment that he carved out for himself . She would not impact the rest of his life . But , as it turned out , she was not a woman who could be kept in a box . She was too full of life and his need to speak with her and be with her would not contain itself to a few hours a week . She had a very full life before she met him . With him in her life her schedule began to overflow . If you had asked her prior to meeting him if she would ever consider seeing a married man she would have been insulted and answered a resounding " of course NOT " . Now here she was , making up last minute excuses why she couldn 't make her usual volunteer night at the hospital or meet her best friend for drinks or dinner so she could accommodate him when he could get away . She told no one . Not her sister , her best friend , not even her hairdresser . The volunteer organizations thought her work responsibilities had increased , her friends thought she was volunteering more and should take more time for herself , her staff was grateful that she seemed to be finding a better balance between work and the rest of her life . Only she was aware of the reality of her situation . He was amazed at how well his business continued to run without his complete focus on it twenty - four seven . Perhaps he could have gotten away in prior years to take his family on those vacations he had assured them were impossible ? His wife was beginning to pressure him to spend more time at home and he began to slowly realize that there was no way this could not affect his marriage and his family . After almost a year of seeing each other they had finally admitted to themselves and each other that this was about more than the convenience of lust . They had strong and caring feelings for each other . Feelings that came with as much pain as joy . As he began to realize the effect the affair was having on his family , she began to realize she did not want to celebrate another Christmas in a hotel room a week after ringing in the New Year alone . This is why tonight , almost a year since their first meeting , she found herself sitting alone in the coffee shop where they first met waiting to see if he would join her . If he showed up , this meant he had told his wife about her and had chosen a new life with her . If not , the crazy , titillating roller coaster ride of the last year had reached its end . She did not know which life he would choose . She was well aware of the schism the affair had caused in his emotions and his life . She also believed his love for his wife was still very real . Part of her hoped that he would choose to remain with his family thereby proving to be the man she thought he was on the day they met . No part of her wanted to be the person that caused upheaval and pain for others . The other part of her , the selfish part , the part that found such happiness in his presence , was holding her breath and hoping to catch sight of him walking down the aisle of books toward their table . She walked down the cobble stone street toward the café . She wanted to put down her umbrella and feel the rain on her face but she knew it would draw the odd looks from passersby and that Rafael would be concerned about her wet hair and clothing when she arrived . She missed her home town so much . It rained a great deal in the Willamette Valley of Oregon . There was precipitation of some kind more than half the year . Most people walked about without umbrellas and never let the wet climate slow them down . She knew that for most people living in Paris was something they dreamed about their entire lives but it was never her dream . She was tired of feeling guilty about being a small town girl who preferred her small town . She missed the rain , the wind , the coastline , the comfort of everyone in town knowing who she and her family were . As a child everyone in town watched out for you . There were no secrets . Nothing you did went unnoticed or unreported to your parents . Many found it stifling and couldn 't wait to get out of town after High School graduation . She found it comforting and she missed the town and its people terribly that first year away at college . That was where she met Rafael . She was drawn to his good looks , strong ethics , and his thirst to make social justice a reality for everyone around the world . He was a leader of people . That was evident from the first time she saw him speaking at a rally outside the student union . He asked for her support … and he got it . He asked for a date … and he got that too . From that first date on the two of them were never very far apart . They were known at college as the couple who was trying to change the world … and the ones who just might succeed . She was not comfortable here in Paris . She could speak French fluently now , and she didn 't dislike Paris in any way , she just longed for something simpler . She hadn 't felt at home in Sao Paulo or Amsterdam either , not even by the end of their five year stints there . Today she would tell him . Today she would be completely honest and let him know that she had to go home . That she couldn 't spend her life away from the rain and the sea and her familiar surroundings any longer . She would tell him she could not take on another assignment to another foreign city . She had to go home . As she drew closer to the café she could see him sitting near the window waiting for her . He had already ordered the fizzy water he knew she would want . He would wait until she sat down to order any further . Even though he knew her well enough to know exactly what she would want to eat he never presumed and always waited for her . He was studying papers in front of him , always working , always thinking of what his next step would be , how he could best make a difference . He looked up and his face lit up as it did whenever he saw her even after all these years . He smiled and waved at her , appearing excited to see her , even though she 'd kissed him good - bye at the front door just a few hours ago . He stood when she entered and leaned down to kiss her cheeks . And then she looked into those eyes again and knew … she would not tell him . She would never tell him . She would stay by his side for the next tour and be content with an annual visit to her home town each year . They sat and ate and talked of many things but not of America or homesickness . When they said good - bye outside and turned their backs to each other to walk back to their offices it was still raining . Just a slow drizzle now . He opened his umbrella as he left but she did not open hers . Rather she walked with her face turned up toward the clouds feeling the water on her face and remembering the cool Oregon rain . I thought my muse had deserted me . For over a year I haven 't put pen to paper , or fingers to keyboard , other than at my day job . Then this morning I woke up and this … It was years before she realized it was the marriage , not the divorce , that broke her . Every time she acquiesced to one of his demands she had lost a bit of who she might have been . Not taking writing class or going out with her friends anymore because he wanted her home in the evenings . The promotions she passed up , the relationships she let slip away , because it would take too much time away from their life together . Always having sex in the same position while he whispered strange , ugly comments in her ear . His odd attraction to granny panties . Victoria Secret had been lost on him . He preferred full coverage briefs that made her feel like someone 's pasta making grandmother . She told herself it was okay , normal , even good . She told herself she was happy . She took care of him and their home as a good wife should until one day after 25 years he walked into the kitchen and told her over his morning coffee that he was moving to California with the firm 's young receptionist . And now , here she stood just a few years later , on the brink of something new . She felt as though she was beginning to travel down an unmarked path similar to the one that park rangers always discouraged hikers from following . " Stay on the marked trail " , was the advice she 'd always followed . Until today . Today she was about to leap into an unknown forest of possibilities . DISCLAIMER : This is not my typical post . It is X - rated and should not be read by the faint of heart ( or by any of my friends and loved ones who might hold it against me ) . I am not responsible for where my muse takes me . I saw a beautiful woman on the street who looked homeless . My mind drifted to how she might have ended up that way . The idea came to me fully formed and I wanted to try a new genre . This is the result . Mattie sat gazing in the mirror stopped in mid stroke while putting her eye liner on . In that split second she flashed back to the exact moment when her life had changed . It was a Monday morning in April and she and Timothy were having yet another fight . She couldn 't remember what started it but she did remember that was the morning she finally said what she 'd been trying to say for months . " You don 't desire me anymore . I need you to want me , not just as a social partner , but as a woman . " Timothy looked at her enraged and yelled , " If I 'm not man enough for you , Martha , why don 't you go find someone who is ! " He walked out slamming the door behind him and left her standing in the entry way with her mouth agape . Moments later she heard his car peel out of the driveway and hoped he 'd slow down for the light at Midway . She drove to the club in a thoughtful mood . She pulled up front and handed her keys to Jimmy who was deferential as always . " Good Morning Mrs . Medford . Have a good workout . " Afterward she dressed and waited patiently for Jimmy to bring her car around . She got in and drove to her volunteer job at the city museum . It was a small museum , not busy at the best of times , but the city was proud of its history and of housing the bell from its first church built in 1810 . No one worked with her on Mondays , the slowest day of the week at the museum , and today was especially quiet . With no museum visitors to occupy her mind she sat in the front office contemplating what Timothy had screamed as he left that morning and browsing online for a dress to wear to the country club annual dance . On the right of the screen an advertisement caught her eye . " Are you lonely ? Are you wishing you had a man who truly desires you ? Join thousands of other women like yourself whose lives have changed for the better . Click here to learn more . " What could it hurt , she told herself , to just take a look ? She looked at the box on the screen . CoulditB _ U ? hadn 't posted a picture but it said 32 , 6 ' 2 " , physically fit . Why would a 32 year old man want to chat with her ? She 'd listed her correct birthday which made her 45 next February . But , what could it hurt to just chat ? CoulditB _ U ? : Send me your picture if you change your mind . After all , we 're just talking . Coulditbu @ gmail . com . I 'd love to hear from you . That night Tim and she had sat quietly through dinner . It seemed even the pretense of talking about their day was too much trouble any more . After dinner Tim went into the library and she could hear the television probably tuned in to the History channel . She went in her small office off the kitchen to pay some bills online . At least that 's what she told herself she was there for . She found herself looking through her laptop for a photo of her alone , without Tim or one of their friends in it with her . She found a photo of her at their pool party last summer in a short aqua shift that she thought showed off her long legs and her great tan . Her long blonde hair was piled high on her head and small wisps of curls fell down around her face framing her deep blue eyes . On a lark she logged in to her email account and sent the picture off to CoulditB _ U ? . Then she went upstairs and read until she fell asleep . The next morning she lay in bed with no reason to get up . Normally she scheduled activities so that she was always busy but this morning her tennis and lunch date had cancelled saying she was sick . So she simply lay in bed thinking about how when Timothy and she were first married how he 'd rush home after work just to be with her . She heard the ping of her phone on the bedside table telling her she had mail and she reached across to grab it and check her email . From : CoulditB _ U ? : I don 't know how I knew you would be a beautiful woman , but I just knew . You 're stunning . My photo 's attached . Please say you 'll meet me for coffee today ? Starbucks on 5th Street ? 11 : 00am ? I 'll wait for you . You won 't regret it . She got up and went into the bathroom and started the shower . The entire time she spent getting ready , choosing her clothing with care , taking extra time on her hair and make - up , she told herself she was not going to meet him . When she was done she went into the garage , got into her car , and drove to 5th street . He was sitting at a small table in the rear and when she entered . He got up smiling and greeted her . He pulled the chair out for her to sit down and got her the latte she requested . They sat and talked , smiling and flirting , him gently brushing his hand against hers , briefly touching her arm or her thigh sending ripples of electricity through her . She followed him to a small bungalow on the east side of town . Once there , they didn 't talk . He closed the door behind her and immediately began kissing her . She realized she craved his touch and pulled him tightly to her . He whispered in her ear telling her how beautiful she was and how much he wanted to please her . Almost before she knew what was happening she found herself leaning against the wall with her skirt hiked up to her waist and a man she barely knew kneeling before her gently removing her panties and using his tongue on her clitoris . She had never done anything like this in her life . The only time she 'd ever had sex was with men she was in a serious relationship with . It was exhilarating . After the first time they met once a week . He would text her every day between meetings telling her in very specific detail what he wanted to do to her the next time they were together . He begged her to write back and say what she wanted . The first time , she was embarrassed to write anything so seemingly crude , but she did it and realized as she wrote the words how hot it was making her . As time passed the texting became as exciting as her time with him . She seemed to be in a state of heightened sexual awareness and spent hours each day aroused to the point of distraction . She would open her messages and read his words : " I need to see my hard cock disappear into some part of you . I don 't care where . Everything is good . " Immediately she would feel herself getting wet in anticipation of their meeting . Each time she thought she 'd gone beyond anything she could ever bring herself to do with a man ; Rod would ask for just a little bit more . Things she had heard about but would never have shared with her husband or any other lover . Things that previously she had thought strange , had believed only perverts would ever think about , she did for him . She seemed unable to deny him anything he wanted from her . She was desperate to have more time with him and began cancelling dates with her friends at the club . After a couple of months passed she stopped volunteering at the museum . Timothy asked her why she wasn 't getting out more often and she said something vague about not feeling well . They had stopped fighting . As soon as she had stopped asking him for more of his time and attention things quickly went back to the way they had been between them , polite conversation , retiring to separate rooms after dinner . She 'd be asleep each night before he ever came upstairs to bed . At the end of three months she 'd lost ten pounds and they were seeing each other whenever she could get away . She began to take more chances , staying longer at the bungalow than she should , twice getting back barely in time to take a shower before Timothy arrived home from work . She 'd had to order Chinese and make some lame excuse about having to run a lot of errands that day . Rod began asking her if he could come to her house . He told her what a rush it would be for him to make love to her in her own bed . How much hotter it would be . How much harder it would make him . After a few weeks she had succumbed and let him come over . She was completely addicted to being naked with him and she found she was incapable of saying no to him . She didn 't think it possible but the increased risk of being caught heightened the pleasure for her . She stopped ; stunned . Rod had pushed her off of him ; jumped up , grabbed his clothes and run out past Timothy without looking back . It was the last time she had ever seen him . She 'd tried to reach him texting and emailing incessantly the next day but he no longer answered . When she went to the bungalow there was no sign anyone had ever lived there . The stipulation of their pre - nuptial agreement was that if she was ever unfaithful she would get nothing , leaving the marriage with exactly what she 'd brought in to it . Timothy had thrown her out that same day . He had let her keep the BMW and her clothes but he 'd only given her 24 hours to get out of the house . After 19 years of marriage she was no longer Mrs . Timothy Medford . She wasn 't welcome at the country club . The women with whom she had played tennis and cards , had volunteered and lunched with no longer took her calls . She had no friends , no income , and no marketable skills . She 'd given up the life she knew to feel the excitement of a stranger 's touch . Max stuck his head inside the curtain and spat out , " Pick it up Mattie , there 's a big crowd out there . And for God 's sake shake some tit tonight . These guys didn 't come down here to see St Theresa . " From the outside Meredith Blaine looked like a woman who had a full life . She had experienced things that most people never would . She 'd traveled the world ; met many famous , and some infamous , people , drove alone across America , skied the Italian Alps , rode an elephant in India , a camel in Israel , and a horse across the plains of Australia . It was years before she realized that not everyone felt things with the same level of passionate intensity that she did . When she loved someone she loved them to the point of aching . She bonded immediately and would do anything for those she cared about . She never played games . She was honest to a fault . When she cared for someone she let them know . When they walked away she felt a pain that was indescribable . There were professional men , educated men , simple men , working stiffs , artists ; it didn 't seem to matter what their background was , where they came from , what they did for a living . Apparently men never felt for her the type of love that caused them to feel a lasting connection . She studied the women she knew who seemed to have wonderful relationships and simply could not understand what it was that she was lacking . She could attract a man , she attracted plenty of men , but none of them seemed to have staying power . Men were drawn to her for her outgoing personality and passion for life and then immediately upon getting her began the mission to change her . Her latest heartbreak had been over a year ago and she still thought of him almost daily . She had been attracted to him from the moment they met . She was tapping her foot impatiently waiting for her carry out order at Louis ' and he started a conversation with her , finally suggesting they eat there rather than taking their orders back to their empty apartments . They had gotten to know each other slowly and when he finally asked to make love to her she had wanted nothing more . The courtship had lasted longer than the actual relationship . Her time with Charles was over almost before it began for reasons she still couldn 't understand . Meredith sat alone in her doorman apartment on the upper west side of Manhattan and wondered why she bothered any more . What exactly was the point of getting up each morning and continuing on when every day was the same as the day before ? She got up , made herself beautiful , went into the office and managed all the issues that came up with intelligence and finesse and then came home to her stunningly decorated but very empty apartment . She laughed sometimes thinking that most people would be shocked to know that Meredith Blaine spent most nights alone ordering in from the many fine restaurants in her neighborhood and watching reruns of NCIS on TV . This particular night she felt empty and tired beyond anything a good night 's sleep could help her recover from . She got up from her favorite chair and went to the medicine chest to get the sleeping pills her doctor had given her at her last visit . She stared at the prescription bottle for a long time and then she sat down at her antique desk and began to write her good - bye . I write to you because I know you 'll be the one who finds me . You will be the one who finally wonders where I 've been , what I 've been up to , and worries enough about me to come find out . After calling , texting and emailing me for a couple of days without a response you 'll spend at least an hour looking everywhere for the key I gave you last year ( finally finding it in the basket on your dresser ) and you 'll let yourself in and find my body . I hope it 's not too gruesome for you . I tried to make myself as presentable as possible . I don 't know if that will make it easier for you , or worse . I know you won 't understand . You of all people , the one who has always been content with her life just the way it turned out , won 't be able to understand how achingly empty my life has become . I will try and write something here that will help you understand . I know it 's not politically correct to say all you want is a man who cherishes you and your life will be complete but , let 's face it , I 've already got everything else and truly that is the one thing I 've always wanted and that has always eluded me . All the education , world travel and wild experiences in the world can 't top the look I see in Jim 's eyes when he 's watching you from across the room . He truly thinks you are the most wonderful woman in the world and you can tell he still feels like the luckiest man on earth that you agreed to share your life with him . No man has ever felt that for me . Do you know how it feels to have been married twice , and to never have a man buy you a ring or ask you the question ? As you well know , both my husband 's had to be pushed , pulled and prodded down the aisle . And neither of them , nor any man since , has ever looked at me with the love struck joy in his eyes that Jim has when he gazes at you . Dottie dialed her friend Meredith 's number hoping she would be home . She just had to tell her the good news . Her daughter , Laura , had just been chosen for the lead in an off Broadway musical . Laura knew it was mostly Meredith who had given her daughter the courage to be herself and go for her dream . She was always there for the kids one hundred percent and she had an enormous impact on the young woman Laura had become . Thinking back , she didn 't know how she would have gotten through being a working Mom with three kids under the age of five if Meredith hadn 't stepped in to help and be there for them . " That 's putting it mildly . She started memorizing her lines the moment they called . She really feels like this could be the beginning of something for her but she also keeps reminding me what you told her , success is doing what you love every day . Wait , here she is , I know she 'll want to talk to you . " " Yes , sweetie , she did . I 'm so happy for you . I know it 's what you wanted . Have you met the rest of the cast ? " " Not everyone , but remember that gorgeous man we saw in " Grease " at the Playhouse last year ? He 'll be playing opposite me . It could prove to be very interesting ! " " I will Mama Mer . Every day I remember how you told me to be true to myself and do what makes me feel good in my soul . If I hadn 't done that all these years I wouldn 't be here now . Thanks for always being there . I 'm going to be certain you have tickets with Mom and Dad for opening night . You 'll come won 't you ? " Well , you 'll know by now that Laura got the part . Was there ever any question ? How that enormous voice comes out of that tiny girl I 'll never know . No one hearing her on stage would ever believe there once was a question about whether or not the child would have a normal lung capacity . That 's one of the things I did right with my life is help out Dottie when she needed help with those babies . She always thought I was doing her a favor , but you and I know it was the other way around . I loved mothering those kids . But they 're all older now and they 'll b e fine on their own . My work there is done and I rarely see or hear from them now that they 've been launched into lives of their own . I know you can 't imagine what it 's even like to be alone every day . You have Jim and the kids and your house is always bursting at the seams with visitors from all over the world taking advantage of your wonderful hospitality . You 've been a good friend , Eleanor ; a lasting friend who has always been there for me . I thank you for that . I feel badly leaving you this last difficult task to handle for me . Meredith heard someone knocking on her apartment door . It must be Carlos , her doorman , because no one else could have gotten by him and up to her floor without being announced . He knew she was in her apartment so she 'd better answer . She didn 't want him worrying what was wrong and using his key . Carlos knocked on Ms . Meredith 's door . He wouldn 't do this for the other tenants , he thought to himself , but Ms . Meredith wasn 't just any tenant . She treated all of the staff like real people , always asking him about his wife and family , remembering him on holidays and special occasions , not acting as if he was less because of his job . He had just signed for an international special delivery for her . The protocol would be to phone and let her know it was there and then leave it on the desk for her to sign for it when she had time to pick it up . That 's exactly how he 'd handle it for anyone else in the building but he thought international special delivery might be really important and Ms . Meredith looked like she needed something to cheer her up when she came in tonight . Meredith opened the Express envelope and immediately knew who it was from simply by the beautiful handwriting on the interior envelope . It was obviously an invitation from Martina and Joaquin . Martina 's hand writing was exquisite , always had been , even though she 'd had no formal education . You know how upset I was when Joaquin decided to turn over management of the vineyard to Benjamin to spend his time entirely on his creative pursuits . I was angry at you for a long time for advising him to follow his heart . I was worried that Benjamin would fail , that Joaquin would fail , and that we 'd end up with nothing . Now here it is two years later and both have been successful in their pursuits and none of us have ever been happier . You must join us for the celebration . Joaquin listened to you when you told him to do what would feed his soul and the rest would take care of itself . It 's because of you that he gave himself the time to write the most beautiful and provocative work I have ever read . ( Okay , I admit to being a bit prejudiced . ) It 's a wonderful book . I know you will love it . I will let you in on a little secret . It 's dedicated to you ! Meredith had met Martina and Joaquin over ten years ago on a trip to Argentina and they had hit it off immediately . Two years ago during a visit Joaquin had admitted to her how unhappy he had become . He told her that the Vineyard , although a part of his family for generations , was not really what made him happy . They had sat up long after Martina had gone to bed and talked about art and writing and the things that made their hearts swell . She had told him to feed his soul and the rest would work out . Thinking about it now , where did she get off telling anyone that ? Had her life worked itself out ? I can 't tell you how many nights I 've sat alone in this apartment with only the television to keep me company . Tonight , I came home believing it would be another one of those too quiet evenings but I 've already had several interruptions . Sometimes I feel as though I 've read everything there is to read , traveled everywhere there is to travel , seen everything there is to see , and yet something is missing . Listen , when it comes to the obituary … just list Marina as my surviving sister … . leave the rest of them out of it completely . If they couldn 't be close to me in life … they don 't need to be recognized in death . Do whatever you want about a memorial service . You know I have never understood why people care what happens after their death . It is truly the height of self centeredness to try and control things after you 're dead . " Thanks for letting me use the house phone , Carlos " Eleanor said . Eleanor knew Meredith wouldn 't ignore the house phone . She needed to get through to her and she was fairly certain tomorrow might be too late . She noticed that Meredith had become more and more withdrawn and quiet lately . She knew Meredith was saddened that her love life had never gelled but she was such a fabulous friend to so many . Meredith had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember . She had changed Eleanor 's life for the better the first day they met . It was freshman year and Eleanor blushed just thinking about what a techie dork she 'd been back then . Lost and confused on her first day of classes Meredith had helped her find English Lit and then later helped her understand English Lit . As Eleanor got in the elevator she found herself thinking back to that day at the campus coffee shop when Meredith decided she 'd had enough of Eleanor and Jimmy smiling shyly across the room at each other and got up and invited him to their table . After that day , it was the three of them against the world . They got through everything together : finals , Jimmy 's parents ' divorce , graduation and the search for what to do next . They 'd been through a lot and Meredith was still the only one who could make Jimmy smile when he was in his lowest funk . " Hey , Meredith , sorry to just pop in but it 's an emergency . They just hung Jimmy 's last painting at the new gallery and he 's a wreck . I got him settled down and left him at Louis ' with a drink . Can you please come out and work your magic on him ? " " No , you 're not fine . I 've known you for 30 years and loved you for every day of it . Do you really think I don 't know you well enough to know when the world has you down ? You 're an amazing woman , Meredith , and a woman I can 't imagine not having in my life . You give so many people so much of yourself . You normally take on the world with an energy that 's frightening to behold . You 've been withdrawn and quiet for weeks . You haven 't stopped in to see us at home or at Louis ' . Something is terribly wrong . If you don 't want to tell me about it , that 's fine , but I 'm not letting you out of my site until you can ensure me everything 's okay . " She looked over at Meredith and saw the tears quietly streaming down her face . She stopped and wiped them off and hugged Meredith close to her for several long seconds before opening the door to Louis ' . They stepped into Louis ' Place and he greeted them with open arms , planting a kiss of each of Meredith 's cheeks as was his custom . " My favorite customer returns ! I haven 't seen you for weeks and Jimmy tells me you haven 't been yourself . I am fixing you something very special tonight of my own creation . It will make your taste buds burst with joy and make you happy to be alive . Sit … sit … Marie ! Bring my guests some fresh , hot bread . " Jimmy smiled up at her . " It 's an intervention . What did you expect ? We love you Babe . Sit and sink your teeth into these delicious crusty calories . If my gorgeous face and Louis ' food and hospitality can 't make you feel better then there really is no hope . " " Pass the butter , " she said as she grabbed a hot crusty roll out of the bread basket . " This is no evening to worry about saturated fats . I love you two , do you know that ? Thank you so much for watching out for me . Quite a few of my friends have checked in this evening . It 's hard to believe with so many who obviously love me I was feeling isolated and alone . Meredith let herself in to her apartment and dropped her wrap on the chair by the door . She looked over at the clock on the mantel to see it was close to 2am . They had sat at Louis ' for hours , just like the old days , talking , laughing and simply enjoying the closeness the three of them shared . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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Twenty years ago today was by far the happiest and scariest day of my life . Can we agree for a second that change is scary ? Yes ? Good . Happiest for obvious reasons , and scary because of how long I 'd known and dated my fiancé . We met back in the early days of the Internet chat rooms and before there were dating websites like Match or eHarmony . Ironically , an ex - love interest was indirectly responsible for getting us together , as he was the one who introduced me to this chat room . My ex and my husband had a mutual acquaintance that they had both chatted with on occasion . My screen name , which over the course of several online providers and thousands of dollars in over limit fees , had seen many changes , and finally came down to my real name , first and abbreviated middle : Wendy Sue . Some of my " real life " friends from that time still call me Wendy Sue , I 'm totally okay with that . Hubby 's screen name was simply " sleeplss , " without the last " e . " After showing an initial interest in each other , he vanished from online for about a month . I not - so - secretly worried we 'd never cross paths again , while he was tying up loose ends and ending other romantic interests . He knew something long before I suspected anything about the potential of our future together . We exchanged photos , one I had my mom take of me by my new car a few months previously , drove 25 miles and foolishly paid $ 7 to have scanned into . jpg format , and his was a professional photo . His was much more impressive than mine , I can assure you . However , when he showed my picture to his mom , she smiled and told him , " This is the kind of girl I see you with ! " His other family agreed . After a month of absence , he came looking for me in my usual places . I was delighted to see him , as my feelings toward him had mysteriously grown in the month he 'd been away . I was intrigued by the blonde guy from Oregon . My folks weren 't pleased that he lived so far away , but at the time really thought nothing of it . We talked for a few months online ; everyday at lunch I 'd come home and chat with him , and evenings I 'd call him because I had the better long distance plan ( 10 cents a minute ! Dirt cheap ! ! ) The more we talked without the limitations of physical appearance that can hinder an in - person relationship , the more we discovered we wanted to meet in person . Our first date was a three day weekend trip from Florida to Oregon . I took a red eye flight with an hour layover in Vegas . I 'll admit I pondered my sanity while waiting for my connecting flight , and even considered hopping on the next plane back to Tampa . But I 'd come this far , so I was determined to see it through . I had to know if the guy I had such strong feelings for was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life . When the plane landed in Portland at 3am local time , there he stood in the concourse with a single rose , waiting for me . It was cold , as it was January in the Pacific Northwest , and I don 't believe I stopped shivering for the next 72 hours . I met his mom the next morning as we crashed into her bed for a nap . She was as charming and lovable a person as I could have hoped for . As I napped , he slipped away and returned with a little stuffed bear holding a satin rose , which he surprised me with when I awoke . I showered and got ready to meet his friends at a casual dinner , and then off to stay at a local hotel , to get some real sleep . By Sunday we were both under the weather with a cold I probably brought with me from the airplane , and Monday was back to the airport at early o ' clock for an all day travelganza . The weekend went too quickly but I knew for sure where things were headed . Before we left for the airport that morning , he played a song on the stereo for me , and he just held me . The song was " Truly , " by Lionel Richie . When I arrived back home , I told my mom we needed to look for a wedding dress , and sooner than later . I didn 't have a promise but I had a strong feeling that when he came down to meet my family a month later , that he would propose . The next 30 days was grueling , as we counted off the days until he came to Florida . When he arrived , my folks went to pick him up , and I applaud them for taking everything in stride . Mom looked at him and said , " Hi , I 'm Mom , and this is Dad , " pointing at my Dad , who was probably trying to find words for the man he knew would someday be his son in law . I remember coming home from work and seeing him sound asleep on my bed , my sweet 2 year old calico cat curled up with him . I don 't remember the date , but he wasted zero time , waiting for just the right moment . All I remember was that it was about 2am , and we were outside enjoying a balmy February night . I was sitting on the wall in front of the house , when he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring . The next few moments were a blur , but I do remember saying " Yes ! " several times . For the remainder of the week I had him here , I took him to Disney World in Orlando . We spent a couple of days there , newly engaged and deliriously happy . I bought him a Pooh bear , which helped me give him the nickname he 's had since those early days : Honeybear . And as time has a way of doing , it went way too quickly and before we knew it , he was on his way home . We only saw each other one more time between our engagement and the wedding . This is what I meant by scary ! ! Our first year in a new city for me was daunting , with a lot of homesickness and missing my mom and dad , getting used to a new life , new faces , feeling lost in a town I didn 't know , and having the love of my life right next to me every night instead of being thousands of miles away . That was the best part . Since our wedding , we haven 't spent more than a week apart at a time . Now , I know this all sounds so idyllic and fairy tale - ish , but the harsh reality of life is , life happens . Our first two years were the only normal we have had in our entire marriage . We 've been tested more than most couples married twice as long , and with every ounce of resolve and commitment we could muster . We started our third year with a serious health crisis , and then a car accident later that year left me with permanent pain and disability . And since I 've known him , he 'd been nursing an old military injury that he had surgery for in 2012 . It has always been something , but no matter the severity we have stuck together by choice and with much hard work . I joke when I say I have earned every grey hair on my head , but in many ways I mean it . Such devotion is not seen as commonplace in today 's " if it feels good , do it " society . Many have gone out of their way to congratulate us on a feat that is unfortunately unusual . Many of my friends from school have divorced , some are on their second or third marriage , and I don 't have any condemnation for them . I don 't know their issues or their relationships . In an age where most things , even relationships , are disposable , it feels good to have come from a place of trial and struggle and say , " Yes , we made it ! " On my way home from my Mom 's yesterday I heard a song I haven 't listened to in years . So many of the words rang true in our relationship that I feel compelled to write them down here and include them . The song is sung by Lee Greenwood , called " I Still Believe : " Today marks the tenth anniversary of my dad 's passing . I 've been told that the loss of one 's parents is probably one of the most devastating losses a person can suffer , with the exception of the loss of a spouse and / or a child . I believe this to be a true statement . Being a surviving child of a deceased parent , I have found that you never really get over this heart wrenching but all too inevitable loss . No , getting over it isn 't ( or at least hasn 't been ) an option for me . There is grief of course , maybe moving past it and even being somewhat accepting of it . But when a woman loses her Daddy , don 't expect her to ever just " get over it . " It just won 't happen . Shortly before his passing , because we knew it was coming ( and knowing does NOT make it easier . At . All . ) I had started to write what I thought would be a fitting tribute to the man who was my father . In the end , my thoughtful obituary , written in grief , was not what I wanted to convey about this wonderful man . Yes , it was descriptive , and very expensive to publish in the paper , but I don 't think I did him any justice . I could write a whole post about companies that take advantage of folks in their time of sorrow and pain , because I think they are disgusting ( local newspaper , I 'm looking at YOU ! ! , ) but I will save that for another time . This column is about my dad . Thanks to a free week with Ancestry , I have found out some pretty amazing things about my dad and his family . I discovered that my dad 's father came to America from Italy with his family as a little boy , a family that consisted of only a father and his five children . I have not dug deep enough to discover what happened to my great grandmother , and why her name did not show up on the Ellis Island documents . But this discovery means that my dad was the first generation in his family to be born on American soil . This was a fantastic find ! If only I could trace far enough back to find out more , but this was a start ! My dad , John , was the second born of nine children , and the oldest boy . I remember him telling me that his own parents were up before the break of dawn each morning baking bread to feed and care for their family . My dad was nine years old when the Great Depression started , which made it harder to feed a growing family . But when he reached the end of his eight grade in school , Dad left school to work and help feed the family . As the firstborn son , it was expected of him to do this , and he did it without complaint . When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941 , my dad enlisted into the army at the age of 21 . He spoke of his time in the war proudly , because he believed in the cause of freedom and that his sacrifices contributed to the eventual victory of the allies . His European Theater of Operations saw him in places like Normandy during the D - Day invasion , in Belgium and Luxembourg for the Battle of the Bulge , into Bastogne and even liberating the Ohrdruf concentration camp ( part of the Buchenwald camp ) in Germany . He served in the 4th Armored under Gen . George S . Patton , and he was so very proud of that . He was awarded the Purple Heart for sustaining an injury when the half - track he was driving with hit with enemy fire . The soldier sitting right behind him was not as lucky as my dad . He lost many friends over the duration of his service . When he would tell me of those stories , his eyes would become glassy with tears , and I 'd see him secretly wipe them away . After the service , he went back to helping to feed and shelter his family working in the private sector . He had no real formal education , so learning a skilled trade was really his only choice in a post - war America . His parents met my mom at a local bingo , run by her uncle and his organization , in our home town . She was working there with her family , and surprisingly she had known her future in - laws for some time before she met Dad . When they met each other while roller skating , he fell in love with her instantly . He returned home to tell his parents about meeting her , and when he described her they told him , " That sounds like our Janie from bingo . " And sure enough , it was ! They were eventually married in the summer of 1948 , on my Dad 's 28th birthday . Dad , after the war . Year unknown . Mom 's graduation picture , 1946 Over the next twenty years , they welcomed four children into the family . First was a girl , Diane , then John ( nicknamed Jack , ) then Jeffrey and then yours truly . Between the older and younger girl was eighteen years difference . Dad and Mom bought a home for the low , low price of $ 14 , 000 with a 30 year mortgage in 1955 or 1956 , shortly after the birth of my oldest brother . Dad worked long , hard days in Connecticut 's harsh climate as a welder , a trade he learned while working for C . W . Blakeslee Construction . As far back as I can remember , Dad was laid off for the most of the winter , starting at the beginning to middle of December . While we were all still young and school work could be given in advance , back when teachers and principals didn 't mind if parents took their kids from school for 2 weeks before Christmas break , Dad and Mom took us to Florida for the holiday . We stayed with my Mom 's aunt , Irene , and her husband Ray . They owned a bungalow in Oakland Park , which is a small suburb outside of Fort Lauderdale . It was only a two bedroom , one bathroom house , and it was quite a cozy fit for a family of five plus two resident adults . And after my sister joined the Air Force , and my uncle Ray had passed away ( I was a baby when both those things occurred ) it was still very cozy , so much so that the boys stayed next door with my aunt 's friend . Our family 's first visit to Disney World . That 's Dad and me . Wendy , Jack , Jeff & Diane . Aunt Irene 's house , Oakland Park . My favorite picture of my Dad and me . Aunt Irene 's house , Oakland Park . I have some fond memories of Christmases in Florida , and some things I only remember in photos . For example , our family was the first on our block to visit Disney World . We have an old Polaroid photo with Dad , me and Mickey Mouse , date stamped December , 1971 . I was only two that year , so I don 't remember that but I do remember being in the Bicentennial parade during the 1976 celebration . Jeff and I were picked to be in the parade from the crowd , and we were both given a commemorative medal and a copy of the Declaration of Independence . I wish I had both of those now . Our Christmases were sometime spent at the beach after presents were opened . I remember Dad washing " tar balls " that I had stepped in at the beach off my feet , and helping me to pick oranges from the backyard trees . And my Aunt Irene had some of the biggest orange trees in her backyard I had ever seen , even to this day . That was where I first heard the term " tangelo , " way back before Honeybells were known . We would pack the car 's floorboards with our clothes and stuff as many oranges as we could jam into our suitcases for the car trip back home in January . Dad retired from his job in 1985 at the age of 65 years old , and it couldn 't come fast enough . Too many years of working in the heat and the cold of New England summers and winters had taken their toll on him . He had nerve damage in his ears from the loud machinery , before they realized that those noises could damage hearing . I don 't remember a time when he didn 't have a sore , achy back and only found relief at the chiropractor , who was his most trusted doctor . I had seen Dad barely able to walk into the office , and walk out standing straight and nearly pain free . That 's a good doctor in my book . After Dad retired , I was still only in high school , so he and Mom did a lot of volunteering for the marching band , of which I was a member . They helped to run the concession stand at the football stadium , and followed us around to every away game , just to watch me play in the band . Over the years , they developed some dear friendships and a ton of great memories . On the last regular game of the season , Thanksgiving morning , the band parents cooked up a hot , fresh meal for the band members as a way of saying goodbye to the outgoing senior class . When it was my turn to say goodbye to the band experience , it was a sad day for all three of us . Sometimes , I think my parents enjoyed the band days more than I did . Those band years also took us to Florida and California for the end of the year " band tour . " Anyone who wanted to go on the band trip at the end of the year could go , and there were always fundraisers to help students offset the cost of the trip . Mom and Dad came with me on my sophomore trip to California , the first time they 'd ever been , and to Florida on my senior trip . Most of my friends would have been horrified ( and the ones who had been chaperoned usually were ) by their parents tagging along on the trips . I would never have wanted to deny such an opportunity to them , especially since I knew how much they both loved the band atmosphere . Most of their friends also went , and the parents had their own itinerary of things to do separate of what we kids were doing . But I knew I could count on them to be watching the parade on July 4th , cheering me on as we marched in Florida 's blistering summer heat . Whether it was the scorching Florida sun or the bitter cold New England winter football games , they never missed a performance . Not one time . After graduation , my folks decided it was time to start wintering in Florida . We call this phenomenon , " Snowbirds , " here in the sunny south . At first , they came down for a few weeks , then a month , and then for most of the winter . My mom 's brother would have annual tickets to the Daytona 500 in February , and it was my Dad 's favorite part of snow - birding . But finally , after a brutally cold winter they decided to sell the house and move to warmer climes . The house was on the market for a few months when an offer came in . The new couple loved the home and really wanted it . Considering that winter was coming again rapidly , and the housing market was turning sour , they took the offer and became Florida residents . I was the only one left without a spouse and nowhere to call home , so I came here with them . I would be totally remiss if I didn 't mention my high school best friend , who not only turned out to be my best friend for life , but a third brother to me , and a third son to them . Patrick , known only to my dad as " Padderick , " was a very important part of all our lives after we relocated to Florida . He is a talented artist and wanted to refine and hone his skill at probably the most prestigious art school , Ringling School of Art and Design . During Patrick 's four years at Ringling , he visited often on weekends when he had nothing pressing at school . Dad always looked forward to his visits . My dad , an avid thimble collector , always loved to share his collection and his passion for it with Patrick when he visited . We were all right there when Patrick graduated Ringling , celebrating with him . Dad was proud of his third son , as he was the only one to graduate from a four year college . When Patrick moved away after graduation , I know Dad missed him . He missed sharing stories . He missed his company and love . Recently , my mom and I decided to gift a portion of Dad 's thimble collection to Patrick . I know Dad would have approved . Though we didn 't have pets growing up , I had acquired a cat after a roommate arrangement went sour . She was in the backyard crying , a tiny calico kitten . I have a soft place in my heart for calicos and tortoiseshell cats , so I rescued her . When I moved back home , Callie came with me , but as a condition of her being allowed in the house , she had to stay in my bedroom while I was working . My dad , who had previously not been a fan of felines , couldn 't stand to see my kitten cooped up in my bedroom all day . Usually when I came home at lunch , she was in the living room waiting for me . Dad and Callie were fast friends , and when she wasn 't sleeping she was by his side , waiting for him to sneak a piece of meat under the table . Eventually I met and married my soulmate , who happened to live on the other side of the country . This meant leaving Florida and joining my new mate in Oregon . The wedding was small but meaningful . We had all of the trimmings that most weddings have : the cake , throwing the bouquet , my first dance with my new hubby and my last dance with my daddy . It was a bittersweet moment , knowing that I 'd probably never dance with him again . After the ceremony the family went back to Mom and Dad 's house . But after that day , I was not just his little girl anymore . Life had changed . The Monday following the wedding , hubby and I started our cross country trek back to a home I 'd only visited twice , with a man I 'd only seen three times before the wedding . Dad wasn 't there when we left the house . I wasn 't sure I could have left if I saw him cry , but I still regret that he wasn 't home when we left . That was my one big mistake and it haunts me still . After I left the nest , Mom and Dad continued to travel back and forth to Connecticut . They celebrated their golden anniversary in 1998 , surrounded by family , friends and neighbors . Their grandchildren , my sister 's kids , lived in Illinois so that was a popular destination while they were still able . We threw him a huge party for his 80th birthday in 2000 . Then in 2003 , my mom told me that Dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer 's disease . I was in college at the time studying to get an Associates Degree in accounting , but I wanted to come back to Florida , to spend time with Dad and help Mom , because I knew she would need it . So in the summer of 2004 , hubby and I packed what we could bring with us , sold what we couldn 't and toted three unwilling cats across the country again . The next few years were precious but difficult . Day after day , we watched the leader of our family deteriorate . All of his years of hard work , and this was his fate . It was so unfair , so very undeserved , and so very hard to experience . In truth , my Dad was gone long before he passed , as the disease plundered his memory and personality . I hope with all that is in me that I never have to go through an ordeal like that with another loved one . But , we kept him home as long as we could , in comfortable , familiar surroundings . His war stories became more fantastical , going from reality to a Dad version of Rambo , jumping from his half - track and mowing those Nazis down singlehandedly . Even now , we still laugh about those stories . Evenings were rough for Mom , when she was alone with him and sundown syndrome had struck . Luckily , he was not able to walk well and we never had to worry about him wandering from home or getting lost . We joked about putting a necklace on him with his address when we first moved to Florida , never expecting that someday that would be a reality for us . Around the time when we could see Dad was starting to lose interest in daily activities and things he normally enjoyed , we called my brother Jeff , who had a new infant daughter , to bring the girls down to see him . Though we had pictures of his youngest granddaughters , he hadn 't seen the baby and constantly talked about wanting to see her . So Jeff made a trip down with his family to see Dad . It was the last time I remember seeing him joyful and content . Jeff didn 't know that it would be the last time he would see Dad . Shortly after Jeff and his family left for home , Dad stopped wanting to eat . He was getting weaker by the day , and Mom took him to his doctor , who in turn admitted him into the hospital for observation . A week later he was released , fully hydrated and nourished , and admitted to a rehab facility , with the objective of getting him strong enough to go home . It was during these four weeks at the rehab facility that he started to fail and decline rapidly . Eventually , Hospice was called to care for him . During that time , he didn 't know anyone , nor did he even have any self - awareness . It was one of the most difficult things I 've ever witnessed , and I pray to God above I never have to again . On the day he died , I planned on going from work to see him on my lunch break , but I couldn 't get away . It was March 15 , 2007 , the ' Ides of March . ' Mom went to see him , and asked me what she should read to him , because she liked to talk to him and read to him , even though he was not conscious . I suggested that she read the twenty - third Psalm from his Bible . When she called me after work , she told me that she had done so , and was happy she did . Later that evening , Mom got the phone call from the rehab center letting her know that he was gone . In that moment , our lives changed forever . Dad was an incredible husband , father and friend . His family came first , no matter the cost . His hard work and sacrifices throughout his whole life made our lives better , and I don 't think he would have traded any part of his life for something better . He had everything he wanted and needed with his family . We were more than enough for him . I wish the world had more people in it like my daddy , for it was a better place while he was in it . It 's Christmas morning , but the house is quiet , except for the sounds of a hungry cat trying to wake us for breakfast . Sleepily I walk to the kitchen , two felines on my heels . I try not to trip over them as I pop cans of food open and portion it out . Mercy cries when she smells it , and Pixel runs to check on her , making sure it 's only the lack of food that disturbs her . The three of us walk back to the bedroom as we do every morning . Sassy , Pixel and Mercy are chowing down on their morning meal , but the house is quiet . Our tree is still packed away from last year . Mercy would have had it torn down in minutes if we tried , and you 're not here for it anyway . All of the decorations are still in their boxes . A couple of packages wrapped in the same paper sit by my computer , ready to bring to Grandma 's house in a little while . The room where you would have slept is cold and empty , even though there is furniture inside . A twin bed . Some toys for the cats . A window to the outside that only Pixel and Mercy sit and look through . There is no sign of you anywhere . This morning , the house looks like it does every other morning . It 's too small for us but it 's where we are for now . There is no inkling of activity anywhere . Even the cats , with their bellies full of chicken and liver , are not making a peep . Mercy is on her furniture taking a bath , Pixel is watching out the window and Sassy is probably under the bed . The house is quiet . It 's 8 : 00am . Around the world , children like you are eagerly anticipating Christmas morning . The yearly visit from Santa . You would have been good children this year , I bet . Then again , you were going to be good kids anyway , even without Santa . It is how we would have raised you . You would have been kind and courteous , with giving and loving hearts , but knowing boundaries so you wouldn 't become a door mat . I am in Grandma 's kitchen making cinnamon rolls . There is enough for all of us , but you 're not here . Daddy and I take a second roll each , because they are awful warmed up later on . It 's 10 : 00am , and Christmas morning is over . Presents were opened , but somehow it 's not the same without you here . I wanted to see the look of wonder on your faces , the excitement of new stuff ! I wanted to get you that one special thing you wanted more than anything in the whole world ! To hear the sounds of laughter and yes , even play arguing . Maybe especially the arguing , because that would mean there was a brother or sister for you . You wouldn 't have been an only child . Yes , I would have wanted that for you . Now it 's 2pm , and dinner is ready . It 's only your Dad , Grandma and me today . The kitties are home safe , guarding the house . We are having your favorite for dinner . Swedish meatballs and that yummy gravy with real mashed potatoes . I made it myself for you , but you weren 't here . Would you like green beans like me , or Brussels sprouts like your Dad ? Or maybe you would have liked them both . I would have gladly made more if only you were here . At 5pm , it 's starting to get dark already , but it 's warm outside . Maybe you would have spent your afternoon riding your new bike . Or maybe inside playing with Legos with your Daddy . He loves those things just as much as you do . Maybe that 's why you love them , too . Maybe you would have read your new book to Grandma as you tried so wonderfully to explain to her the nuances of the story . She would have loved you to the moon and back , just like we do . The clock chimes 6 o ' clock . I 've been working to clean up after dinner while you would have been playing . But now it is time to go home . We pile all of our gifts into the little red wagon we bought , and it doesn 't even fill the bottom . It should be filled to overflowing with all of your new favorite toys , that one special doll or stuffed animal that you would go to sleep with tonight . You would be pretty tired by now , after a full day of excitement and play . There is still time to catch a movie when we get home , but there is only two of us . I could see one of you snuggling with your Daddy , and one with me . Mercy might be licking the butter from the popcorn off your fingers , and trying to steal a kernel or two from your bowl . Be careful ! All of us cuddled together on the floor , or maybe a sofa , laughing and pulling our last moments of joy from a perfect day . It 's 9pm , and time for bed . Daddy and I are tired , and even though I don 't go to sleep this early , I 'm going anyway . The kitties are fed for the night and happy . They are the only ones in the bed with us . Your room is still cold and empty . The echo of your laughter fades from my imagination . And I realize I miss you more than I can express , but I have never met you . Tears come , and they 're hot and stinging the skin on my face again , probably for the tenth time today . I was trying so hard to make this a special day for everyone , even through the tears . Because even though I 've never known you , I have loved you anyway . And days like today only serve to remind me that you 're not here , and will never be . The house is quiet . All I can hear is Pixel purring at my side . And I fall asleep thinking of you , my dear children . My children . The ones my heart misses and loves , but will never know . I don 't know if you would have been a boy or a girl , or maybe one of each . That is what I wanted most ; a boy and a girl . Six years ago today was easily one of the worst days of my adult life , after the passing of my dad . Because six years ago today was the last time I held my Persian cat , Tika , before she slipped away from us . I 've written of her many times in other places and on other media , but only once on this blog . She has so shaped my being that I think that this year , her remembrance belongs right here . Tika was no ordinary cat . She was one of those creatures that when you met her , you just knew there was something special about her . When we rescued her from the shelter during our first year of marriage , we knew she belonged with us . Tika was the first birthday gift I 'd gotten from my husband after our wedding . She kinda picked us , the way you hear of dogs choosing their new owner . We weren 't really interested in adopting , but we found ourselves at the shelter that rainy Saturday April afternoon . It wasn 't unusual for us to stop in at the Humane Society just to look around , when we weren 't doing anything special on our way home and it was on the way . We meandered into the cat room , where the staff was tending to a new bunch of cats that were recently surrendered after their owner passed away . Since we already had a 3 year old calico , and because I have a soft spot for calicos and tortoiseshell cats , I was drawn to a pretty calico that was in the group . She was reserved and shy in the back of her cage , not really understanding why she was there … and then I felt it . Two light golden eyes were staring at me from a cage behind me . It was Tika , but her name at the time was " Luna . " And she was unlike the other cats . She was active and friendly , purring and licking our fingers through her bars . So hubby and I decided to spend some time with her in the visit room , and that is where we fell in love with this cat . She was sweet , and loved belly rubs . She purred the whole time we were with her , laying on the charm . Her meows were soft and pleasant , almost begging us to take her home . It was very difficult to leave her that afternoon , but we had placed a hold on her so we could " think about it . " There was no thinking , but there was plenty of agonizing , tears and insomnia . We finally decided to bring her home , and whatever the problems the two cats would have would surely work out over time . In truth , it was over six months before Tika and Callie could tolerate each other and be in the same room . But she was in my lap most times , and Callie just adored my hubby from the moment she met him . So we each had a cat for our laps and our hearts . Tika became my " certified professional " lap warmer , and my nurse when I was hurt in a car accident the following year and in the years that followed , right up until she passed away . She always knew when I needed her , and she was always right in my lap , grooming and loving me . She never knew a stranger . Tika was the greeter that welcomed every guest into our home with a meow and a polite demand for a belly rub . Everyone who met her adored her , even the veterinarians who treated her for the last six months of her life . Every day since the day she passed , I have thought of her . I have pictures of her on my desktop computer . There is a photo of her and Sassy , our now 16 year old Ragdoll , that peers at me from a frame on the wall . And every day has been excruciatingly painful . For a long time , I couldn 't say her name without tears of grief , and I certainly couldn 't speak about her without choking sobs . When she died , a piece of my heart died with her . A couple of years ago , I wrote a post called , " If Tika Came Back From Heaven . " It was unbearably difficult to write , and I couldn 't post it for a year . Even now , it 's hard to read , but sometimes I do go back and read my thoughts about what she would say if she could . But the one thing I know for sure Tika would have wanted was for me to be able to love again , and she would have given her blessing on our newest family member , Mercy . In so many ways , Mercy has been able to heal some of the hurt of loss , and replace it with joy and hope . Her name was chosen because of her physical disability , but her presence in our home has brought mercy and grace , exactly the things that Tika would have desired for me . So it is more than fitting that Mercy Grace has come to be with us . I can never replace Tika , but Mercy has been good for my soul . Tika Marie , I still miss you with all of my heart . Every day I wish you were here again . And I am so thankful that you chose me to be your Mama . I have learned so much from you , Munchkin ; how to love without condition , to give without expectation , and to find joy in the small things . You are gone from here , but always in my heart . Rest well , until I see you again . Much love , baby girl , now and forever . Christmastime is a treasured time of the year for many people . It is a time to spend with families , making memories and experiencing the goodness in others . Holiday traditions such as trimming a tree , singing carols , the eggnog ( can 't forget about that ! ) and gifts , when I think back at my own childhood , provoke warm memories of family , those whom we considered family and special friends . I always thought that I would , at some point in my adult life , have the things my parents had that made them uniquely parents … children . When I met my husband years ago , we knew we wanted to start a family , but I wanted to wait a year or so before we made the leap into parenthood . First of all , hubby and I were an Internet couple , one of the first to fall in love , meet and marry ( in that exact order ) in the age where it was not commonplace . We had a total of four dates , the fourth one being our wedding , over a grand total of six months . I wanted to take a year to get used to one another , to settle into a life . He lived in Oregon , and I was living down here in Florida when we met . I am the one who picked up my life and moved it all the way across country to settle in the Pacific northwest . Maybe not ideal for most couples but we made it work . The one year mark came and went , and as planned I discontinued my contraception ( which I actually took for reasons other than birth control ) and we played the monthly roulette game watching for signs of an impending pregnancy . As time and probably a little Divine providence would have it , hubby and I were never blessed with children . We began with life - changing medical problems at the end of our second year of marriage , almost to the day . First it was hubby , then it was me , and among all of the doctoring , medicating , therapies , trips back and forth to hospitals , MRIs , CT Scans , I think you get the picture , my dream of bearing children slipped away with every new diagnosis , every new discovery . Looking back at our first eighteen years of marriage , and how quickly illness can make the time go , we can see the time spent doing everything else but raising a family . It was always a discussion that simmered on the back burner , and never actually came to fruition . In some ways ( well okay , most ways ) I can understand how children never came into our lives . Yes , there was always adoption but the cost kept us from pursuing that option . And besides , who would give an infant or toddler to a couple with so many medical issues they don 't fit on a double sided pieces of paper ? We discussed fostering children , but I could never bear to have a child that I love taken from me , especially if I knew the child would be returning to questionable situations . I admire those who can do that , but I just couldn 't . So , these little people , the ones that never came to be , are the most missed at Christmas . This joyous season is tailor made for children . The wonder of all of the lights , the family traditions , the tasty treats , the school plays , the breathless anticipation of Santa bringing that perfect gift . And it is now more than any other time of year that the hollow spot in my soul seems most vacant . Other families share pictures of their kids , have funny stories to share , and the looks on their little faces should make me feel warm and fuzzy . Our home is missing the squeals of excitement on Christmas morning , missing the sounds of quiet footsteps down the hall , the giggles and quarrels , the wonderful mess of toys and games and mountains of wrapping paper . But we are also missing the opportunity to pass along each of our treasured Christmas memories to our children , to make our own memories , to share old traditions and create new ones , to make cookies and decorate gingerbread houses , to teach them what the season means , and what the love of God has to do with every bit of it . I am not precisely certain at what point our lives got complicated . John and I had been married only two short years when a congenital defect in his brain was discovered and brought with it health challenges we still deal with today . Five months later , I was involved in a two - car accident which at the time seemed minor , but ended up changing my life entirely . From the trauma of that accident , I developed Fibromyalgia , which is a little known but widely diagnosed pain disorder . The cause is unknown , even though most develop it after some sort of physical or emotional trauma , and there is no known cure . So one could say that we 've been through a lot , and that was only the first three years . Over the years , though we originally wanted children , those plans never panned out . We were advised to go through genetic counseling due to John 's brain disorder , because no one was certain if it was hereditary . Then the accident and the subsequent recovery ( which I 'm still doing , by the way ) took two good childbearing years from us while I tried to get doctors to believe me when I said I wasn 't feeling any better . Looking back now , and seeing where we are now , I can see why perhaps , we never were blessed with progeny . And just this week , I have spent my days in the hospital with my husband after he got an abnormal MRI report and showed symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis . One of the tests the doctors claimed was necessary to confirm or deny ( is that the right word ? ) the presence of MS was a spinal tap . Not a problem for someone with a " normal " brain but potentially deadly for my sweet , but very stressed out partner . But of course the doctors still pressed us to do the test because without it , all prior tests were inconclusive . We were at a crossroads somewhere between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to turn for advice . So , where is the blessing in the middle of these storms ? Sometimes , in the midst of the latest " crisis du jour " it 's easy to get caught up in the now . But when we step back in review at some time in the future we can clearly see how there was a blessing at every turn . If not for the first seizure that changed our lives the most dramatically , we would never have found our strong and unrelenting faith in our Creator . I had always been a believer , raised in the episcopal church , and John was too , raised in many different churches and denominations . He bought me my very first Bible in the months that followed his seizure , and I was " born again " in baptism on August 1 that year . I believe my car accident , which followed my new " birthday " by two months , would have been unbearable to endure without the promise of a new body and a new life in Heaven . This is truly the reason I can wake in the morning and face each new day . With faith in a loving , just God , there is a promise that wrongs will be made right , if not here then in our next life . It 's not particularly easy to live life in pain , but my God is my strength and my shield . And since I 'm not a perfect being , sometimes I still struggle to see the blessing in being childless . My head knows because of our medical problems . I would have carried guilt to have knowingly given a baby daughter ( or son ) the burden of Fibromyalgia . And now , with possibly looking at a difficult diagnosis for John , one that is very possibly hereditary , maybe I can begin to understand why things never clicked for us as would - be parents . In my head . Each time a family holiday comes around , the presence of little ones I will never know is deeply missed . Christmas is awful , and more so as the years pass . Yes , on this point I still grapple with seeing the blessing . Perhaps some day . As far as this week goes , time will reveal to us the blessing in yet a new diagnosis , a new challenge , and a life changing event . In the " now " I am thankful for the accommodation provided free of charge to us that allows me to be close by my husband while he receives test results , to hold his hand during times of trial , and just be near for comfort . Because of this accommodation I don 't need to spend my days in the car , commuting 3 hours a day back and forth . This accommodation comes in the form of Fisher House , located directly next door to my hubby . I am literally a 5 minute walk away instead of 60 miles and 90 minutes . This is my blessing now . The rest , like life , is " to be announced . " Today I am celebrating my 46th birthday . I don 't really make too much of the day overall , mostly because it feels just like any other day . I wake up , Pixel drapes himself over my waist at the crack of dawn for breakfast , and sometime between feeding the cats and noon , I 'm usually out of bed for the day . Today was the last of four doctor appointments in the last six days , three of which required me to drag my aging carcass out of bed and out the door before 8 : 30am , and twice on the highway in rush - hour traffic . This appointment was my own . Of all the people I want to see on my birthday , a pain specialist is close to the bottom of the list , right above my dentist and possibly a lawyer ( no offense to dentists and lawyers ! ) Somewhere between being 6 and 46 , birthdays have gotten rather dull . Last year , my birthday was spent waiting for a repairman to come fix our air conditioning system , which had systematically failed every 8th of the month since January . By the time the repair was made , it was much too late to do any celebrating and I was really not in the mood to anyway . This year was looking to go the same way , but with doctor appointments , until my husband made an ordinary day more special . Always going out of his way to do things he knows I 'll really appreciate , John contacted the band who sings the song , " Should 've Gone To Bed , " to find where he could get a copy of it . A few months ago , Plain White T 's seemingly removed all traces of this song from all of the popular music services . We don 't know why , nor can I begin to understand the music industry , but what I do know is that when you really like a song and it suddenly disappears from iTunes and everywhere else , you get very bummed out . The band 's representative sent him to their merchandising website , which is where he found and bought this year 's gift . Which makes me a very happy birthday girl , and a spoiled wife . We enjoyed a lovely dinner out with my sweet Mom , without whom there would have been no reason to celebrate anything today . It was her first time and our third to Longhorn Steakhouse , which by the way has the BEST soft pretzels with beer cheese . We all laughed , talked and ate probably way too much , but as I get older I 'm learning to treasure each moment I have with my loved ones . One of my favorite sayings is , " Life is like a roll of toilet paper … the closer you get to the end , the faster it goes . " I 'm not sure who said that originally , but I always keep it in mind . At the end of the day , I 'm thankful to have been blessed with another birthday , because today I 've also realized that I 'm at the age where I probably have more time behind me than ahead . My own roll of toilet paper may be rolling by faster these days , but each " sheet " becomes more meaningful .
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I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : Sentinels are whispered about . After the destruction of the Empire and their stranglehold on all things Jedi related , it was found out that Sentinel Jedi were rare and no one had seen one in thousands of years , until Luke Skywalker . And now Rey . Rey looked around the stone hut she 'd called home for the past five years . She 'd built the hut with her own blood , sweat , tears , and mind . It had felt like home more than Jakku ever had . It had taken a while to get used to the colder climate of the planet Luke had named Sanctuary . Living on the water planet had been hard . The physical part had been easy , but learning to use the Force at Luke 's hands had been a trial . Using her body for fighting had been difficult to learn . Her fight with Kylo Ren had been instinct , and what she knew now was help from the Force . But in training , instinct wasn 't there . She knew how to fight with her staff well enough , but training with a lightsaber was different . It was very different , and her body had taken on a new shape because of it . Living on Jakku had made her very thin . She never ate enough , and was always in the overly hot sun too long , scavenging and trying to eek out some kind of living . Life 's circumstances made her not only thin , with a constant gnawing ache in her belly , but also wary of people . Living on Sanctuary , she found not only peace , but an inner strength that Luke coaxed out of her . . Her body changed , as did her mind and Rey felt more complete than she had been since being abandoned on Jakku . Luke had vegetable gardens with native vegetables . Fruit trees and bushes were hardy on the small island just a few miles over . Sea creatures were the main part of the diet for the planet . There were some land masses that held herbivores and carnivores that breathed air , but the hike to them wasn 't worth it . The only time that she went to the largest island was when she wanted to visit with Chewbacca . She 'd been shocked when the Wookie and R2 - D2 had decided to stay near her . The only time that Rey had left the planet was when Chewbacca had taken her to get the materials needed for fabricating her own lightsaber . That had been just six months before . Four and a half years of training to center her mind and settle her body . She used the lightsaber she had brought with her to train with . Her personal lightsaber hung on her belt as she grabbed her staff from it 's home beside the door . She shut the door behind her and didn 't look back as she walked away . Making her way across the small path between her hut and where she met Luke , she kept her eyes on the blazing high flames that had been burning all night long . She looked at the base of the flames in the rock ring that she had scattered at the edges . In her hand was the lightsaber she had brought with her . She tossed it into the fire and heard it land on the rocks at the bottom . " Now you can rest . " Rey looked at the man standing just beyond the flames . Beside him was his wife , his Guide , and he wrapped his arms around her and they disappeared . It was her job now to fix what was was broken . In the space of seconds , the flames went from high above her head to gone . There was nothing left but blackened rocks and ashes . The lightsaber was gone . She wasn 't shocked to not see either it , or the one that had she had placed on Luke 's chest before she 'd lit the funeral pyre . " Stubborn , Corellians are , " the wizened old voice said from behind her . She didn 't turn to look at him . He 'd visited her in her dreams first , just days after arriving at the planet . Then she 'd seen him for the first time in Force ghost form just days after the event that had changed her more than fighting with Kylo Ren had . " Heartbroken , he is . " Rey didn 't know what to say to that . There was nothing to be said to that at all . No words could take the pain that Luke had felt every day since the death of his Guide . He 'd hung on long enough to train her and then he 'd let go . Passed in the night . It had been so peaceful that she hadn 't felt it . Hadn 't realized it until she 'd gone most of the morning without seeing him . He 'd been in his bed , looking like he was just sleeping . She 'd known though that he wasn 't . A broken heart compiled with the death of his Guide meant that Luke had only held on through sheer will . " Died , my own Guide did thirty seconds after me on my home planet . Choices we both made . The Force I chose , she chose her people . Mistakes . All of it mistakes . The future you are . " Rey turned and there was nothing except the sun setting . There was nothing left for her on the planet . There was nothing left for her at all . Her Guide was out there in the galaxy somewhere waiting on her . She had to find them . She had to find the perfect person for her and make sure that she never lost them . Because the hope of the galaxy rested on her shoulders . Han Solo may have rejected Luke Skywalker , but his legacy wasn 't all bad . There was good as well as the bad . The history books , though , would only know part of the bad . The part that he was the father of Kylo Ren , formerly Ben Solo . She had long haul in front of her , and standing , and staring wasn 't going to get it done . Sentinel Jedi had been whispered about prior to the Empire taking over but Jedi weren 't allowed to be the full Sentinel that they could be . Hadn 't been allowed to be that way for a very long and it created the world that they had to live with . It wasn 't a great world and it wouldn 't be for a long time . She was the first cog . More would soon be coming . The inside of the Millennium Falcon was the same as always . Mental ghosts haunted the halls . The ghosts were not her own though , they were the ghosts of the past . R2 tweeted at her as she entered the hall leading to the cockpit . She laid her hand on his head as she passed him . Chewbacca , though , wasn 't sitting in the pilot 's seat as she expected . He was seated in the co - pilot 's chair . He looked at her and it broke her heart . She stepped closer to him and he opened his giant arms and enveloped her in a hug . Chewbacca was a good Wookie and a good friend . He barked a few words and smiled after . " No . " Rey couldn 't believe that she had heard what she had heard . There was no way that the Falcon was now hers . R2 twittered something and Rey just stared at the Wookie . " No . " Chewbacca started to talk , and he didn 't stop for many long minutes , Rey just stood there listening to him . She heard every single word about how the Falcon picked who piloted her , and allowing her to escape Jakku meant that the Falcon liked her . She listened to Chewy as he explained that Han had brought Rey on board so he could hand off the Falcon to her when the time came . . He said that Ben had never liked the Falcon . The Falcon had chosen her and it wasn 't up to her to refuse the Falcon what it wanted and she would just have to accept it . Rey sat down in the pilot 's chair more out of shock than anything . She looked between R2 and Chewbacca before she looked at the controls for the Falcon . The Wookie had spent the past five years while she 'd trained on getting the Falcon back up to perfect working order . Chewbacca had made trip after trip off world as he worked on system after system . The Wookie had been planning this along with R2 . She turned to the droid with a cheeky grin . R2 made a sound that was unlike any that he 'd ever made before . It sound like pure happiness and that shocked her because it was happier sounding then the noise he 'd made when seeing Luke for the first time after years apart . She had never been shocked that she 'd been able to understand droids . Niima outpost had plenty , and many of the people living there could understand them . The Wookie language she 'd learned at the hands of a Wookie called Malla , who had been stranded on Jakku for nearly a year when she 'd been a child . . She 'd never told Rey the rest of her name and after the third time asking , Rey had stopped . " Not given , but asked to come along ? " Rey asked and R2 just flashed lights at her . " Fine . You can come but you may not like it . Another forest planet is at the end of our journey . " R2 twittered something and Rey only smiled . She turned to start to input the first set of coordinates that she had been dreaming of . It wasn 't their final destination , but it was a good start . She had no clue what was waiting for her when she arrived at her destination , e she but she was going to face whatever it was . She wasn 't alone , though , and that gave her strength face it head on . " Tatooine , " Rey whispered . Luke had told her all about it . It was the first stop on her journey . There was the first piece of a puzzle on the planet . Luke had found it on a visit to the planet in the aftermath of the defeat of the Empire , but he 'd known right away that it wasn 't for him . It was for her . She now had to claim it . " I can go alone , R2 . You don 't need to get sand in your servos . What I need to find , only I can . We just need to land at Anchorhead . " Rey looked to Chewbacca , " Maybe you can find that part you 've been looking for . " He smiled a toothy grin at her that she 'd not seen on his face since the death of Han . The outfit that Rey had worn on Jakku no longer fit her , so when she left the bay they were in , she made the first stop at a shop to get planet friendly clothes . She had money , given to her by Luke , for when she left him . He 'd told her that his life was on Sanctuary , and that he no longer needed it . Rey hadn 't known that he hadn 't planned to even attempt to see his sister before he died . He 'd also given her paperwork to transfer everything that he had in banks across the galaxy for the continuation of the Jedi . That she hadn 't been shocked by at all . No one paid her any mind as she moved through Anchorhead . Strangers were the way of life for that area , and many of those strangers were not ones that someone wanted to bother , for the sake of their own life . Rey had no clue the direction of the place that she needed to find , and it was five vendor stalls before someone pointed her in the direction of the Jundland Wastes . " Only fools go there , " a voice said from behind her . Rey turned to him and cocked her head to the side , looking at him . It wasn 't hard to read him . His pulse was slow , he didn 't see her as a threat . The people around , though , were wary of him . It wasn 't fear though . It was respect . " Then call me a fool , " Rey said , but she didn 't stay for him to say anything else . She turned in the direction that the vendor had pointed , and started towards the Wastes . She was at the edge of the city , when she heard a speeder coming in her direction . She gripped her staff tight in her hand , the flowing shirt she had bought hid her lightsaber . Stopping , Rey waited . She wasn 't shocked to realize that it was the man from before . She looked at him as he approached her . His dark hair was a little strange for the desert planet . Planting her feet , she readied herself for a fight if it came . Her senses were on high alert and the shifting sand beneath her feet wasn 't helping her in settling down . " My name is Gavin , " he supplied , looking at her like he expected her to give him her name as well . She only stared at him . His heart rate was still calm and he was radiating worry . Worry about her , or about something else she wasn 't sure . A growl from a distance told Rey that Chewbacca had indeed left the ship . Her ears were attuned to the Wookie , him being one of two living humanoids she 's spent any time with . Her eyes found him and saw that he was looking at her . His eyes were narrowed in recognition . He knew the man . Gavin turned his head and his whole body stiffened as he found Chewbacca looking at them . " Chewbacca . " Gavin turned back to her . " Who are you ? " " Biggs ' cousin . Luke talked about him often . " Rey stepped towards the speeder . She got into the secondary seat . Gavin looked at her shocked . " To Ben Kenobi 's hut . " " Are you … " Gavin stopped talking when Rey shifted in the seat and her shirt parted enough to see the lightsaber that was laying against her inner thigh . " You 're a Jedi . " There were no more words as they sped through the desert . Rey catalogued all the differences between Tatooine and Jakku . In a world of shifting sands , and the creatures who lived in those sands , the whine of technology in the middle of the Wastes was easy to find for her . Exactly like Luke had said . The hut was a waste , and Gavin didn 't offer to get out with her . It was easy to tell that no one came out there , not even the Jawas . The small cube that she found buried five feet down in the sand was deceptive . It looked much like a child 's toy , but she knew what it was . An ancient holocron . From before Sentinels had stopped being allowed to seek out , and bond with their Guide . Before the Jedi Order killed those who did it anyway . The way of life that Rey was determined to bring back for the Jedi . No one else would have to suffer like Luke had , " I didn 't know what Luke was until after I died . I wanted to tell him , but Yoda forbid it . I understand now why . To be rejected by one 's Guide hurts . I 've seen the aftermath in my death . We are lucky he didn 't go Dark Side because of it . " " No , you are lucky that he didn 't kill himself in the aftermath of the destruction of the second Death Star . He could have , and then none of this would have been . Kylo Ren has his part to play and so do I . I have what I need . " But Rey didn 't let him say anything else . She turned and left . As if that holocron was the only thing holding up that hut , it collapsed . The Force willed it that it had stayed until she could get the holocron and it was no longer needed . " I come back and visit on occasion . To remind me what I am fighting for . It was luck that you came when you did . I 'm leaving tonight . " " Don 't lie to them . You can tell them that you saw me and tell them that I 'm good . That I 'll be back soon . I have something that I need to finish and then I 'll rejoin the Resistance along with Chewbacca and R2 . " " It was hard to see him on powerdown mode for all those years . He was always so active , and happy , tormenting C - 3PO . I swear he lived to make 3PO lose his mind . " The speeder stopped and Rey realized that they were outside the bay where the Falcon was . Chewbacca was standing there and shook hands with Gavin as he stepped out of the speeder . The Wookie barked a greeting and Gavin just smiled at him . R2 popped opened a small door on his side and Rey saw that it was a hiding spot . She slipped the holocron inside of him . The door snapped shut and R2 rocked back and forth , twittering at Gavin and then making a raspberry sound . Gavin made the sound back and Rey just laughed . " I 've been wondering where you are . " The Vornskr didn 't react at all , he just came closer . He sat down at her feet , staring at her . " Durm . " Rey held her hand out and the Spirit Animal pushed his head up into her hand . The bed giggled a little as Strang moved across the pillow towards Durm . The Vornskr jumped onto the bed and wrapped itself around the Ysalamiri . R2 was in the cockpit and would alert them if they dropped out of lightspeed before they arrived at the waypoint to head towards their next stop . There was only one more after that before she went to the final destination . A knock on the door startled Rey out of her thoughts . A thought opened the door . There stood Chewbacca . He waved his hand to ask permission to enter . " Of course . " Rey stood up from the bed and took the chair at the table used for eating . The bed was the only place big enough for Chewbacca to sit down at . Strang and Durm disappeared . She 'd known that Chewbacca could see the Spirit Animals . It had been apparent from the moment that the Wookie had seen Luke 's barely there Spirit Animal . The large Krayt Dragon had been evident in the moments after Rey had met the Jedi . Chewbacca sat on the bed and relaxed back . The room had been cleaned , and rearranged by the Wookie during the last five years . It looked nothing like how it had been when her and Finn had escaped from Jakku . A growled question had Rey turning to him . A wuffed statement and another question had Rey smiling , but not answering . She just shrugged her shoulders . The Wookie chuckled another statement and all Rey did was smirk . Durm appeared on the bed at Chewbacca 's hip . The Vornskr lowered his head down and growled at the Wookie before jumping at him . Chewbacca didn 't react and the Spirit Animal just passed through him . " Luke called the planet Dagobah . He only told me that it had the second of three things that I needed . And that the last planet had to be last and that R2 would tell me where it was only after Dagobah . " The Wookie bid his goodnight and lumbered from the room . Rey moved back to the bed and laid down with Strang arranging himself at her head and Durm laying at her back . She was excited to meet Durm 's person . She had hoped that on the third planet she would meet them . She felt so alone , and while Chewbacca helped , she knew that she would need to meet her guide and do it soon . Rey closed her eyes to dream of a planet of green full of trees and happiness . It made her heart ache to dream of her guide like that . She pushed the dreams away to dream of space , dark and cold . Chewbacca told her the tale of how he came to be in slaver 's hands when Han rescued him . How he had been there on Kashyyyk when Order 66 had gone out , and the Jedi had been wiped from the galaxy . How he had helped Yoda escape and his capture by the Empire was worth it . He told her of how he wanted to say goodbye to his friend properly . Rey 's heart broke when Chewbacca told her that his spirit was still bound to the swamp and that just being there would help him . She nodded and allowed him to follow her to the hut that had been taken over by the creatures that Yoda had kept back for decades . She could feel the darkness in that section of the swamp , but first she had to leave Chewbacca where he wouldn 't cause her an issue . The Dark Side cave was exactly how Luke had described it . It made her skin crawl , but she knew that she had to enter it . She unclipped her lightsaber from her belt and laid it , and her staff on a rock . She only took her mind and her body in with her . Both scared her enough . After nearly ten minutes of walking , she realized that someone was behind her . She turned and saw a young man standing there . He was smiling at her , dressed in dark brown colors and his hands covered in blood . Rey 's heart plummeted to her stomach , and then tried to escape through her throat as she saw the bodies behind the man . It was members of the Resistance that she remembered seeing . The man just stood there staring at her , and Rey wasn 't sure what to do . She feared making him angry . She felt nothing off of him . Was this what her Guide would do if she never found him ? Was this the fate if she had never found her Force abilities ? Or was this what was going to happen no matter what ? Then the ache in her heart started . Rey cocked her head to the side and stared at him . The ache was coming from him . It felt like he had no heart at all . That it had all been burned out of him . There were but fifteen steps between them , but Rey took them at a run . She crashed into him and they fell backwards onto the ground of the cave . He tried to fight out of her hold , but all she did was wrap her arms around him and hold on tighter . Slowly , the man stopped fighting her and just laid there . Rey started to sob as she held him close . It was like all breath left his body and Rey sat up to find that she was straddling a grave instead of a body . The language on the graver marker wasn 't in one that she could read . There were two lightsabers crossed on it and beyond the marker she saw herself standing there . She was dressed in black and her eyes were hard . She was standing there with vengeance wrapped around every single line of her body . The vision blinked out and once again she found herself at the mouth of the cave with the darkness behind her , and the weak sunlight in front of her . She turned back to look at the darkness , and found that it was just darkness . She wasn 't sure if she had passed the test or not , but she knew that she didn 't understand it . Not yet . As she climbed out , she felt something in her hand . She looked down to find that it was another holocron cube . She smiled as she emerged fully from the darkness . There was little more that she needed to do on the planet , but she would give Chewbacca all the time that he wanted to grieve for a friend who had been the last of the Jedi , who had no one , but a lost boy to grieve for him when he passed . His name not uttered by friends and cast into oblivion . A tree looked perfect for climbing as she approached the hut so that was what she did . There had been a few trees on Sanctuary that she had liked to climb and sit in for hours when she had the time . Just being around so much life was still so shocking for her . The life here in the swamp was different than it had been for her on Sanctuary , but it was somehow felt the same . Jakku had it 's own forms of life , but she hadn 't been able to interact with them that much because they were night creatures , when the planet was cool they would escape from their hiding places deep below the sand . The sound of chittering started above her and for a few seconds she was afraid of being attacked , but when she reached out with the Force , she only found playful feelings . Something was playing in the tree limbs above her . Just as she looked up , something fell down and landed in her lap . It looked up at her with bright eyes . One was bright purple and the other was ice blue . It chittered at something still above her . Something chittered back and then she had a second creature in her lap . It had the same color eyes except the eyes were reversed . The first creature used her like a climbing post and clambered up to her shoulder to chitter back at it 's friend . Rey was about to push the first creature off her when she felt it . It wasn 't a friend , the other creature was a sibling and they were fighting . There was a feeling of playful love between them . The second creature climbed up the other side of her and sat down on her opposite shoulder . Still chittering back and forth , Rey laughed at them . She leaned back into the tree trunk and closed her eyes . She pushed the world around her out of her mind and meditated . She hadn 't since Luke 's death and she knew that she needed to . When Rey meditated she always lost track of time . On Sanctuary she would track how long she 'd been doing it by how the sun moved across the sky , but here on Dagobah , she couldn 't do that . The only thing she knew was that the creatures were no longer on her and Chewbacca was staring up at her with a smile on his face . He held his arms out and she shifted and dropped down , the Wookie catching her . Chewbacca chuffed laughter as he set her down on the ground . " Are we ready to leave ? " Rey asked as she righted her clothes . She was still wearing the clothes from Tatooine as the swamp was muggy . She was very happy she hadn 't changed out of them yet . The clothes she had from Sanctuary would have been way too hot for her . Chewbacca nodded his agreement that he was ready to leave . R2 was waiting for them at the bottom of the ramp of the Falcon . The hiding place where the first holocron was inside his body was popped open and Rey slipped the second in there with it . R2 twittered something at the both of them . Chewbacca just ignored the droid but Rey was a little confused . The droid was talking about going home . The droid started towards the cockpit and when Rey entered the room , R2 was docked into the ship and she looked at the readout . Naboo . Chewbacca wuffed out a long answer about the history of the planet in his long memory . About the blockade years and years before , and how it had propelled an otherwise unknown planet into the spotlight in the galaxy . And then how it went back to anonymity after , then Senator Palpatine , became the Chancellor . Rey sat in the cockpit of the Falcon while she waited for clearance for a docking bay in Theed , the capital city of Naboo . She looked at the half of the planet that she could see . It looked beautiful , she could tell why Queen Amidala , had wanted to protect the planet . " Of course , " Rey said and moved the ship out of orbit . A one man fighter appeared in front of her and she followed it down . She wondered what they would want her to do about her lightsaber because she wasn 't leaving it with them . If they forced her to take it off , she 'd just take it back to her room on the ship . Chewbacca barked at the guard who was at the bottom of the ramp when it was down enough for them to exit the ship . The guard 's eyes went right to the lightsaber at her waist . He turned towards a guard at the edge of the bay and waved . It meant something , but Rey wasn 't sure what . Rey stopped halfway down the ramp and just looked at the man . Chewbacca was growling lowly under his breath at the guard , but the man ignored him . R2 , though , came down the ramp and bypassed both of them , twittering at the man . " R2 - D2 , " a woman said from the entrance to the bay . R2 twittered at her and went right past the guard to stop at her heels . Rey looked up at the woman and her voice left her . She knew what the Queens of Naboo looked like from the historical pictures that Chewbacca had showed her on their way to Naboo . Why was the Queen there ? To meet with them ? " It has been too long since you and Luke visited us . " " Come , Mistress Jedi , we will go to the palace and talk . Naboo is always a friend to the Jedi . The Jedi helped to save our planet and Queen Amidala . " Rey started down the ramp and when she passed by the guard , he did didn 't try and take the lightsaber from her waist or stop her . Rey followed behind the Queen through the streets and just looked at the beauty of the city . It was so pretty . Sanctuary had been wild lands , but it never looked like humans lived there . But Theed was a natural beauty , the human additions didn 't detract from the nature around it . The throne room was the location that they stopped in . The Queen sat upon her throne , but Rey and Chewbacca were given seats right at the edge of the dias . There were guards at the back of the room but there was no one else . " That I do not know . " It had never bothered her before . There were a lot of people on Jakku who had no last name . Whether it was on purpose , or because they truly didn 't know , she was never sure , but she had never felt left out because of it . " I don 't know how , Your Majesty . " Rey looked at her and tried to catalogue everything . She wasn 't lying . The Queen thought that she looked like someone that she knew . " Sola Naberrie , Your Majesty , " someone said as they entered the room . Given the smell of gun oil , sweat , and leather , Rey knew it was a guard without turning around . Another scent entered along with a heartbeat . The scent , though had Rey inhaling sharply and focusing just on it . She inhaled the scent again and it sent her on a wave of memories . The scent of her mother as she hugged her for the last time before leaving her on Jakku . She 'd never been given a reason for why she was left . She 'd never really known . Luke hadn 't known either . The memories of her childhood assaulted her mind , and she didn 't want to leave . In that moment , there was nothing but those memories . The pain of an electric shock connected with her hand . She looked down and saw R2 right there , his little electric probe primed for another shot . She 'd zoned out . She 'd focused so much on the scent of the new person that she had zoned out . " I 'm fine now , Chewbacca . But please continue to keep them away . " Rey looked to see the Queen looking at her with a soft look on her face , beside the Queen was the woman who had sent her into a zone out . " Luke and R2 visited me before he went into hiding , " Sola said . She had a frown on her face . " I wasn 't aware that Padme 's child had lived until he told me that he was Padme 's son . He told me that he had a sister , but that Leia refused to know anything about her parents . That she 'd had good parents who had raised her well , and she didn 't want to diminish her memory of them with others . " " Yes . It 's a family perfume . The knowledge of making it is passed down from mother to daughter . I taught my daughters . What was your mother 's name ? " Rey wasn 't sure that she should answer . She knew why Luke had sent her to Naboo , but she hadn 't realized that Luke 's own family was from Naboo as well . But if that scent was passed down from mother to daughter and her own mother smelled of it … " Ryoo . " Sola gasped and rushed forward . Rey opened her arms and let the woman hug her . She heard Chewbacca step back away from her and even R2 wheeled away . She let her grandmother hold onto her so tight that she was afraid that the woman was going to hurt herself , but she didn 't let go of the woman either . She held onto her , but not hard enough that it would hurt . She was strong and it would be easy to hurt someone . Rey 's mind was racing . It was overwhelming that she was related to Luke . Had he known ? Had Luke known that she was the granddaughter of Sola or had this whole trip here been to see the evidence of his own past ? " No . Sentinel Jedi are not made , they are born . The history was wiped by the Jedi order a few hundred years ago , but there were holocrons hidden across the galaxy byJedi who felt that it wasn 't a good idea to remove that information . " " I don 't know if he knew that I was your granddaughter or not , he never told me why I was coming here . In fact , only R2 knew that . Just as R2 knows the final location of my quest . " " In this case , the destination is only important for the information that it holds . The Jedi that hid the Holocrons chose locations that were only significant to them . It could have been Coruscant or Mustafar , or any number of planets . There are three holocrons out there . One holds the history of the Sentinels , one hold the history of Guides , and the final holds the history of their rise and fall inside of the Jedi order . I don 't know which I have found . " " Yes , he did . He loved her and he didn 't understand what she was to him , and it sent him down a very dark path . The Jedi Order 's decision to hide what she was meant to be to him created the world that we have today . If he 'd had the training necessary to understand that Padme was his Guide , and they were allowed to be together , he would have never turned . The Jedi used cases like his to show them why Sentinels and Guides had to be separated . Sentinels rely on the Force like other Jedi , but their ability to stay sane and stable , a Guide is needed for that . Luke lived a long time without his Guide . " " Because the mind of a non - Jedi works a little different . A Guide is perfect for their Sentinel . " Rey smiled at her grandmother and relaxed back into her chair . " I 'll find my Guide out there somewhere . " " That is not information that you need to know . It 's private and nothing can be done now to fix what happened there . " Rey sighed and looked at Chewbacca . " When the Jedi removed the knowledge of the Sentinels , they also removed the knowledge of the Guides . Where Jedi were identified as children , and Sentinels not long after the Jedi were found , Guides used to be found around age seven . Luke 's Guide would have known what he was and understood what he was by the time that he met Luke . Luke wouldn 't have been rejected by him . " " In some ways , yes . There is a lot to be done but first , I have time . I 'd love to stay and meet my family . " The Falcon was in orbit around one of the moons in the Naboo system before Rey allowed her emotions to get the better of her . The Naberries were a lovely family , but all had gone into politics , and Rey had little use for politics . It hadn 't helped the Jedi in anyway in the long term . Chewbacca was silent in the seat beside her . R2 was behind them both . He was jacked into the Falcon 's system and downloading and updating the star charts . Queen Jewla had given them all the current star charts that Naboo had . Which , for the outlying areas , was a huge update on what the Falcon had . Chewbacca knew it . He looked at R2 with a confused look on his face . R2 twittered at the Wookie and Chewbacca woofed back at him . It was nonsense to her . Half words and unfinished sentences . Rey wasn 't able to follow it at all . Five minutes of nonsense and then R2 unjacked and left . Chewbacca bellowed after him , but the droid ignored them . Chewbacca pressed a button and the information for the planet popped up on the screen . Rey had never heard of the planet before or the system . Yavin was a gas giant and it had several planets , but the one in particular they were going to was Yavin 4 . It was currently uninhabited , but there was a small blurb of information about it . It was the site of the destruction of the first Death Star . Yavin 4 was the location that the , then Rebel Alliance , had made their base . The note was typed in as an addendum , probably added by Chewbacca . Chewbacca just shrugged . He nodded towards the back before getting up and leaving . Rey gunned the ship out of orbit and moved towards the first hyperspace path that they needed to use to get to the Yavin system . Once the stars were stretched along , Rey was able to relax . They had stayed on Naboo for a week . Chewbacca had been shown around the forest by a group of Gungans , and Rey had stayed at some lake house that the Naberries owned . It had been wonderful , and Rey was thankful for the swimming lessons that Luke had given her . . He hadn 't been the best at it , learning out of necessity , then never really using it anymore , but he had taught Rey enough . Younger members , cousins , of the family , had taught her more . The kids were all intrigued by the fact that she 'd been born on a ship , and had then lived on a desert planet . The thought of a whole planet being a desert was a shock to them . Though they knew of them in passing from their lessons in school , , it was different meeting someone who had been on one . When Luke had visited them , he 'd not talked about his past that much . He was mute where Rey was talkative . Her past had brought her to where she was , and she wouldn 't be who she was without it . Anyone who shamed her for it would just have to learn that they weren 't going to get a rise out of her for it . It got her thinking of Finn , though , and how he was doing with the Resistance . She wanted to know how he was really doing . Darklighter had been able to tell her some things , but it wasn 't any of the personal things that she wanted to know . He was her first friend , even if he had lied to her , but she 'd understood . Poe had trusted him , and for her that had been enough once she found out the truth of Finn 's life . She even missed BB - 8 , even if she had become attached to R2 through the long years . General Organa probably figured that she was never coming back after being gone for five years . Rey had to have the knowledge contained in the holocrons before she went back to the Resistance . Then and only then would she be able to move on to the New Republic . That was her ultimate goal . To stand before the new Senate and declare the Jedi an entity of their own . There would be those that would not like it , but there was safety for the Jedi out there . For the Force users who had no training , but who wanted it . Luke had spent his years in hiding making plans and doing what needed to be done to create a safe place for new trainees . He 'd failed with Ben Solo , he didn 't want a repeat of that failure . Rey was going over everything that Luke had taught her when she remembered something that Malla had taught her as well . She stood up from her seat and moved towards what had once been a smaller hold . It had been retrofitted to be a bedroom for Chewbacca . She knocked on the door and looked at the Wookie who opened the door . " I had a friend years back that taught me a lot about Wookies , and I forgot some of it until just now . Humans have scents , and those scents are passed down by family lines . You knew that I was related to Luke in some way from the moment that we met . You knew that Luke and General Organa were related . " Chewbacca weaved a tale of the races that had strong olfactories . How there were thirteen races in the galaxy that had been found that could do it . But it was generally the Wookie Jedi who found Guides on planets , from what Luke had told him . Chewbacca hugged her tight , making it a little hard for her to breath , but with him wrapped around her , she could feel his emotions . The Force giving her what his words couldn 't . He loved her , and it wasn 't out of being anything other than what she was . Han had taken a shine to her and he 'd liked her because of that , but it was the aftermath of it all that had proven she was worthy of his love . He saw her like a cub , a child . Rey wrapped her arms around him tighter and clung to him as she cried into his fur . Chewbacca didn 't try to get her to stop crying , he just held her close while she purged her emotions . She 'd never cried for the loss of her family when they had had left her on Jakku . She hadn 't cried when Sola told her that Ryoo and the man that she had ran off with had been found dead by the First Order years before in a cargo ship . They had been trying to make it as smugglers . Sola had no clue why her daughter hadn 't come home until Rey had shown up . It was rumors and supposition that the First Order had been looking for Force users throughout the galaxy , Luke told her that he had heard whispers , but he didn 't have any proof to go on . If Ryoo had known that Rey had the Force , why wouldn 't she have taken her to Luke ? Or at least the Resistance ? What had scared them so bad to leave her on Jakku ? Rey knew that she 'd probably never know . Only the Force knew , and so far it wasn 't telling her anything . Chewbacca huffed an agreement and motioned for her to sit down . Rey noticed that he 'd been getting ready to eat , and it didn 't shock her to see a secondary food plate on the table . Rey took the seat as the Wookie pulled food out of the warmer . Rey had found out that Chewbacca preferred to eat things he had hunted himself , but often settled for what was available to them in space . . Rey had never had the luxury of choice , subsisting mostly on rations , so she was just thankful for food . Rey looked at the planet through the viewing area of the Falcon . She then turned her gaze out to where the Death Star had been . All of the pieces of it had been collected from where it had been destroyed . The Alliance hadn 't wanted anyone to be able to replicate even one bit of it . The upgraded sensors that Chewbacca had put on the Falcon while she 'd been training were being used to scan Yavin . There was no evidence of villages or anything remotely similar , but there were small areas of concentrated life , most likely hives of animals . There was one area near one of the larger temples on the planet which seemed like a good spot to land the ship on . . Sensors picked up what looked like a housing unit . It was up in a tree and didn 't resemble anything like what an animal would create . Chewbacca wasn 't going to let her go alone this time . He quickly prepared his bowcaster and checked over her newer blaster before leaving the ship . With there being so much native life on the planet , Rey understood why the Wookie wanted her to have a blaster on her . A lightsaber was good for combat , and freeing oneself , but if there was a charging animal headed for her , a blaster would be needed to take care of them . She was taking her staff with her as well . The whole planet was untamed forest , and she was going to take everything with her that she thought she 'd need . R2 twitted an affirmative and moved out towards the cockpit . She smiled as she watched him go . He was a plucky little droid and she was very happy that over the years , Luke had never had his memory wiped like so many other droids usually had . It made for a less controllable , but more loyal droid . R2 did do what he wanted , but he did everything that he could for those he considered his family . " Chewbacca , do you want to take to the trees ? " Rey asked . If there was anyone actually alive in that area of the planet , they would have seen or heard the arrival of the Falcon . Chewbacca nodded and started up one of the closer trees . She waited until he was up in one of the taller ones and he 'd started from limb to limb . She followed and kept her ear out for him making sure that they stayed at the same pace . It wasn 't hard to keep up with him . While he was good at going from tree to tree it took time as he wasn 't used to the trees on Yavin . As they got closer to the treehouse , Rey was able to pick out the sound of a heartbeat . It was too big to be a creature in the tree , she recognized it as a human heart beat . She wasn 't shocked to find a man standing at the base of the tree . Rey looked at him . He was old , older than Luke had been , and very dark skinned . He was dressed in simple clothes that looked like he made them from native animals skins t . It wasn 't until he moved that she saw that he was one handed . His second wasn 't there at all . It was odd given how accessible prosthetic were in this day and age . Even simple non moveable hands were given out for free on most planets . The mechanical hands were harder to come by for most , but still , something that could be done . " Now see , you did that well , " the man said . He looked at Rey like she was a puzzle . " I can 't tell if you are lying or not . " Rey didn 't say a thing . She let her hearing dial up to where she could hear the subtleness of his heartbeat . He didn 't react at all . Chewbacca was in the trees above him , getting ready to drop to help her if she needed . Rey knew that the man was stalling , but stalling for what , she wasn 't sure . It wasn 't hard to tell that he was calm . Almost too calm . His heart rate never jumped above a resting rate . His eyes were still and calm as well . He was a man who was in total control of himself . " The only people who live on this planet do so because they want to be left alone . There is no other recluse on this planet that will come to your aid . Just as I mean you no harm . I come for a bit of treasure and that 's it . " " And what one calls trash , they call it so to hide it . " Rey relaxed into a stance that Luke had taught her . One of the few bits of training he 'd learned from long dead masters of the art of Lightsaber fighting . " You are a learned girl , " the man said as he stood up and moved closer to her . Rey stayed where she was . Her robe that she wore against the chill of the wind of the planet hid her lightsaber but not her staff . . A perfect weapon if a fight broke out , and if dropped , the symbol for Chewbacca to know that something was up . So far Rey was sure that Chewbacca was hidden . " I like learned people . Come inside and we can chat and break bread over a meal . " " That is fine . " The man turned and grabbed a bit of rope at his side . He pulled on it and up he went while a rock came down . He stopped just at the top of the ladder that led onto a landing of sorts . He looked down at her before waving Rey up . Rey stepped into the main living area of the tree house and found that there were two rooms branched off of it . It was a rather large place for a man to live in alone . She sat down at the table when the man directed her towards it . From the seat that he took , he could see everything in the house . From where she sat , she could see little . It was a strategic placement of the table . She shifted in the seat and a coin fell from her pocket , aided by the Force . Rey bent down to pick it up and she noticed that the floor was marked under the chair that she was in , but that the one under the man 's wasn 't . Whoever regularly sat in her seat shifted or stood and shifted the chair as they did . " I did . It rolled a little . " Rey held up the coin and showed it to him . It was just a random coin from a random planet . It helped to sell that she was just a traveler who went from place to place . The man 's eyes narrowed at it but he smiled . He turned and moved towards what looked like a chest . It was easy to see that he and whoever lived with him did live a simple life . From inside the chest it looked like he pulled butter and bread followed by some kind of dried meat . The man kept his back to her while he worked on the food . It left Rey to look around the entire place . There were signs of a child being raised in the place . Dents and nicks in the walls that were at a much lower height than the man . There was a height chart along the wall outside the bedroom farthest from the door . There was only a single way in and out that she could see , but that didn 't mean that there wasn 't a roof access hatch . So the man was here with a child that was pretty young when they had arrived . There was no way to tell the sex of the child from what she could see , but she knew that whoever the child was they were no longer a child . She couldn 't hear a heartbeat from the person so they were out of her range of hearing . The man turned to look at her and before she could even think , he was across the room and trying to go out the door . Rey reacted as quick as she could and was across the room , lightsaber in hand , activated with the blade stretched across the door . The man 's eyes widened out and he tried to move back but the thump behind them had Rey turning . Standing there was a tall slender young man . His eyes were narrowed as they stared at the lightsaber she had out . On his hip was a lightsaber as well . His hand went for it and it was drawn before Rey could react , the dark purple blade slid free . The older man backed up away from both of them . He moved to stand behind the younger man , in a safe location . Only then did Rey look up at the younger man . The face was thin , much like her own . Rey didn 't even hesitate . She dropped the lightsaber to the floor . As her finger left the activator button , the blade slide back into the hilt . Race dropped his as well and when Rey jumped into his arms , he wrapped them around her tight . She buried her nose in his neck and inhaled . Underneath was the scent she remembered as a child , lying in their bed because they hated to sleep alone . " I was told what happened to mom and dad and I worried , but I hoped . I hoped that we would be together again . " Rey had kept him a secret because it was better to never talk about him . She had known that her parents were scared when she was left on Jakku , and she wasn 't sure if Race was the reason they were scared . He was the long held secret of her heart and mind . " Mom and dad dropped me here after they dropped you off on that other planet I was found by Wind here . He took me in and … " Race looked down at Rey 's lightsaber . " Who found you ? " " I was on Jakku and there was no one to help me there . I didn 't realize that I had the ability to use the Force until five years ago . I have been with Luke Skywalker training . " " You really are isolated here , " Rey pointed out . Race dragged her over to the table and sat her down in his spot while he stood beside her . Wind took his own seat before turning to her . Rey told him everything that she had learned from Luke in her lessons from where he grew up to how he joined the Rebels and the aftermath of the killing of Palpatine and the forming of the New Republic . From Luke trying to reform and teach Jedi to the betrayal of Ben Solo , and the death of all trainees except him , and to Snoke . Then her training with him for five years . She left out everything about Sentinels , though . If Wind had trained Race to be a Jedi , and even made him or had him make a Lightsaber , he was Jedi . Given his age , he was a Jedi that had made it through Order 66 . " I was a Jedi Master when Palpatine had the Jedi wiped out . I was called Mace Windu , but I just took the name Wind in the aftermath of the Order . I fell from a building on Coruscant and was found by a smuggler in the aftermath of it all . He got me off planet and when I was healed enough to live , he dropped me off on the planet of my choosing . " " I have Kenobi 's and Yoda 's . Luke came online as a Sentinel in the aftermath of killing Palpatine and the death of his father . His Guide knew nothing of what he was and rejected him . My Guide is out there . Race 's Guide is out there . " Rey looked at the corner of the room where Durm and Strang were visible to her . She wasn 't sure if Wind or Race could see them . A growl broke the air and the two men turned to look at the Spirit Animals . " He 's a Sentinel . And you are a Sentinel . There has been no record of twin Jedi being both Sentinels , ever . Yoda and I spent years researching everything . Just like there are no Guide Jedi . " Mace looked shocked . Strang tugged on Rey 's pants and she leaned down to let him crawl up the arm of her shirt . " This is Strang , a Ysalamiri . Yours is Durm and he 's a Vornskr . " " Myrkr . Vornskr hunt using the Force . Strang here can create a bubble of space where inside of it , the Force can 't be used and yes , he can do it even though he is a Spirit Animal . When I came online as a Sentinel they were both there . It took a while for me to figure out which was mine and which was not . Luke thought that Durm was my Guide 's and that my Guide was online and waiting for me , but I knew he was yours . I knew you were alive and somewhere out there in the galaxy . After I completed Luke 's quest for all of the holocrons , I was coming to find you . I need you to help me hunt down and kill Snoke . I need you to try and save Ren , but if I can 't save him , I 'll kill him . " " No , but I know that you were one of the best lightsaber fighters of the old order . You are alive for a reason , and while part of that was probably to teach Race what you knew , it might also be for this , fighting training . I was only taught by a few Force Ghosts . One talked about your ways of fighting . " " Learn from them . Luke told me to learn from them and go back to the resistance when I was ready . He said he wasn 't when he left Yoda . So , I 'll be your student until we are ready . " Rey looked at Wind and smiled . Race touched her shoulder and she looked up at him . " If Snoke is as powerful as you say that he is , he may have felt your birth . He might have been looking for you , and your parents hid you . Together , you are probably like a beacon . " The sound of a fighter ship shooting over them had Rey jumping up from her chair and moving towards the door . Race and Wind were right behind her . The fighter was out of sight before she could even think about trying to see it . " He found Luke , of sorts , a long time ago . He and Han Solo are how Luke escaped Tatooine . He 'll follow . The ship we came on is protected by R2 - D2 . " " No . I mean Anakin Skywalker . Well , he built one called C - 3PO , but basically those two were his . R2 - D2 stayed with Senator Amidala more , but he was loyal to Skywalker . " Race grabbed a robe and in a controlled drop landed on the forest floor . Rey followed behind him but didn 't use the rope . She landed , absorbing the impact into her legs and pushing it out . Race ran off and she ran behind him . This was his planet and he knew the way . If whoever was in the fighter was looking for her , they would land as close to the Falcon as possible . Rey reached out her hearing to find Chewbacca and found that they were catching up to him . Running with help from the Force made them fast . Race would be faster once he came online . Rey was having to hold back to stop herself from overtaking him . They overtook Chewbacca 's swinging path with ease . She reached the distance to where she could hear the cycling down of the engine of the fighter . She put on a burst of speed and overtook him . Race said nothing , but changed his path to follow her . She turned sharply to the right . The clearing that the pilot chose was to the right of where he had been taking them . It wasn 't until Rey got closer that she realized that it was two heart beats under the cycle of the engines , and then a warble of a droid . Rey stopped so fast that Race ran into her , knocking them both down . She scrambled to get her feet underneath her and launched towards the fighter . Race was confused , and she could feel that through the Force , but when she burst out of the trees and wrapped her arms around a dark skinned man who had just stepped off the ladder out of the ship , she felt better than she had in awhile . " FINN ! " Rey screamed . She took the startled man all the way down to the forest floor . She heard Race enter the clearing and who she assumed was Poe start towards her . " The knucklehead that Rey is hugging for dear life is Finn . When the last time she saw him , he was in a healing coma before being put into bacta to save his life . Gavin told us that he saw you , Rey . General Leia had a dream about you being here and sent us . It 's a personal mission . Then we saw the Falcon . " Rey listened but stood up as well . She grabbed Poe and pulled him into a hug . When she scented him , she learned two things . One that his natural scent was calming to her and that two , he and Finn were having relations . Crashing in the underbrush had them all turning to look at where the noise came from . Chewbacca along with Strang riding on Durm appeared there . Durm trotted right up to Race and when he nuzzled in at his dangling hand , Rey felt it . She felt him come online . There was no way that Wind missed it from where he was at the house . " Who are these loving creatures ? " Poe asked as he squatted down to reach out to Durm . Strang reached out and raked a claw across his hand and Poe pulled it back . Looking at the not quite there marks . No blood was drawn and it was more Force injury than physical . " We have a lot to tell you , but for now , that 's Strang and he 's riding on Durm and don 't ever touch . It 's time for introductions . Poe Dameron , Finn , this is my brother . Race . " Rey looked at the faces of her friends and laughed inside at the shock on them . She knew that they would need to be told as much as possible , and she trusted them . Race would learn to trust them as well . She wasn 't sure if Wind ever would trust them , but for now , this was her family . New friends , old friends , and old family coming together . With them at her side , she could take on the First Order . 00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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Happy New Year 's Eve ! This blog was born as an idea last year ( 2012 ) about this time . I spent the entire year , with very few exceptions , writing about Nixon 's days and adding pictures . It started with pictures of him sleeping , but when he got sick he started sleeping a little lighter and the flash affected his sleep making it harder to take those nightly pictures . I didn 't give up though , I added photos from the day instead , when I could . * Nixon woke up this morning and woke Mac and I up , because he " needs to go downstairs to brush my teeth , so they don 't fall out and then I have to eat baby food . I don 't want to eat baby food ! " We woke up and brought Nixon downstairs , waiting for him to spot BeBe in the tree . He did and it was like he was afraid to believe he was really there . Then , of all the things Nixon could say , he says " BeBe must have decided to leave his hat house and come home . I 've missed him ! " . Mac found Be , under a hat on Nixon 's table that I know I looked under ! How Nixon knew that 's where Be was , is a mystery to me , but Be is back and Nixon is super excited . I don 't think he was more than a foot away from him at any point of the day , today . * Nixon : * to Mac * Mommy likes me . Mac : I don 't know , buddy . I think you should ask her . Nixon : * to me * Mommy , can you please let me like you please ? * Saturday was pretty nice . Nixon and I woke up and watched My Little Pony together . There wasn 't much going on except that I went out with friends last night and Nixon was very okay with it . Unlike the last time I went out , Nixon was very okay with me going out . Even telling me to leave so he and Mac can spend time together . They had a great night together , according to Mac . Mac and I were excited because both of our teams had playoff spots on the line . Miami Dolphins had a chance . . . . and needed a few other teams to lose , but the chance was there . They just needed to win . They did not . The Philadelphia Eagles ( my long - loved team ) had an easier path . . . they only needed to win . And they did ! We also played Cars 2 Monopoly . The first game went by quickly , but the 2nd game lasted almost an hour and Nixon won ! He was good at counting out the money and rolling Lighting McQueen around the track . It 's a great game , I 'm glad we got it for the family . It 'll be a lot of fun for all of us . He 's home , been in the house this whole time ! Nixon 's sleeping and doesn 't know he 's been found yet . I placed him in the tree , waiting for Nixon to notice him tomorrow . He 's been missing for almost a month ( I think ) and Nixon 's been okay , only asking for him a couple times since he 's been MIA . * Apparently , before Mac left for work , he had told Nixon that , if he was good , I would possibly let him play his game before he went to bed . Nixon told me " Dad said to tell you I 'm allowed to play my game now " , after he ate dinner . I told him I 'd think about it and he says to me , " That 's it , Mom ! Call Dad right now ! I 'm telling on you ! " . So I had him give me the phone and called Mac . After we played phone tag because I never remember to charge our house phones and my cellphone loses signal in the house randomly , I explained why I called and let him talk to Nixon . I then talked to him again and ended up letting Nixon play the game for a bit before bed . * Nixon did everything he was asked to do ( pick up his toys , put his dishes in the kitchen and play quietly while mac was sleeping ) all because he really , really wanted to play his Rescue Bots game system . I got it set up , plugged it into the TV and figured out how to get it loaded . Nixon played for about 10 minutes the first time then declared it stupid and quit . I 'm not a big video game person , myself , which was exactly why I kept telling him to wait for Mac 's time off so they could play together . Nixon decided , after taking a break in his room to calm down , he wanted to try again . This time he got a few pointers from Mac and he was getting the hang of it . By the time I was done getting dressed Nixon had gone from being a 3rd level thingy to 10th level ! I was so exhausted yesterday I fell asleep around 9pm ! It was glorious ! Nixon and I got comfy in my bed and settled in to watch Chipwrecked together , when it was over we both fell asleep . I said " Maybe Santa didn 't forget her . Maybe it 's empty because she 's on the naughty list for being mean and chasing Amber all year long . Do you think that 's possible ? " * Today is Christmas Eve . Nixon and I were in full Santa - prep force ! We cleaned the kitchen together , so we could make the cookies for him . We made peanut butter cookies with Hershey kisses on top and cake pops . The cake pops ended up looking more like elf vomit on a stick . . . . not pretty ! But at least they 're tasty ! * After dinner , Nixon got into his jammies and he got into his skunk costume from Halloween . Why ? Because it 's warm and we were going for car ride to look at christmas lights on houses ! I made hot chocolate in travel mugs and we got into the car . We drove around for about an hour and it was beautiful ! Almost no one else was on the roads , so we could drive slower and not annoy any other drivers . * Then we came home , made Santa his coffee and plate of goodies and left it under the small tree . We also got C3PO and R2D2 and put them with the coffee and cookies too , because Santa 's bringing them back to the North Pole with him tonight . We 'll see them again next year ! * One month later and I am happy to say Scootaloo is still with us ! In fact , he got a new tank over the weekend . His old one was a bit too small , and it was hard to keep the water level at a good level because of evaporation from the heater in his tank . * Some days you just wake up and feel loved . This morning was that day . Nixon , for some reason , ended up in my bed around 2 or 3am . He woke up when he heard Mac come home and went to play in his room for a while , letting me sleep . Around 9am , Nixon climbs back into bed with me and says " Mommy , you need a cuddle " and cuddles up with me and took a little snooze , sleeping on my shoulder . * I had some errands to run , and took Nixon with me of course . Nixon was content in the backseat , counting stop signs ! No PSP , no iTouch . . . just me and him with my GPS telling us where to go . And he was great ! me : No , but close . We 're making cookies that we 'll leave out for Santa Tuesday night . Nixon : Yay ! Oh yeah , cookies , oh yeah ! * doing his little butt wiggle dance while he says that * me : Nix , what should we leave Santa to drink with his cookies ? me : Well , a lot of people like to leave him milk with his cookies . But . . . Santa has a long journey to make on Christmas Eve . Do you think he might like something warmer ? Like maybe coffee ? Nixon : Yeah ! Mommy , coffee is a perfect choice ! Santa will be SOOOOOOOOOO happy with a cup of coffee and cookies . Coffee is good for Santa ! me : How do you think Santa takes his coffee ? Creamer and sugar or black ? Nixon : Mom , you 're hurting my head . . . . it 's coffee ! Just make it hot . * me : * switching the channel to the Eagles game * Whoo ! Yeah baby ! Nixon : Mommy , you need to be quieter , you hurt my ears . Nixon : No it 's not ! The Eagles need to lose win ! me : What did you just say ? ! ? Did you just say the Eagles need to lose ? ! ? In my house ? ! ? Nixon : * laughing * No I said lose win ! me : I don 't even know what that means , but I 'm choosing to only have heard " win " . Nixon : Yeah , I want them to win ! Go Eagles ! ! * and he runs around the living room flapping his arms * Posted by * I picked Nixon up from school today and was given a lovely paperbag gift from him . It 's under the tree because it 's a gift and gifts aren 't opened until Christmas . But Nixon was so happy to give it to me ! When we left , he asked if he could go look at toys at the place with the tunnel . The Target store closest to us has a parking garage and you drive into it and then up , so Nixon always asks if we can go to the " tunnel store " . As I had some things to look at , I agreed laying out ground rules on the drive : no asking for anything , staying with me the whole time and absolutely NO whining / crying / fits . He was awesome and we left without buying anything , even after we walked through the whole toy department . . . twice . * After Target , we went to 5 & Below because I had decided to get a last minute stocking stuffer for Mac from there . Parking was insane , but Nixon was awesome ! We walked around , grabbed the one item I knew I was going to buy , and just wondered around . Mac was sleeping at home , so the longer we were out the better sleep he got . I found an Angry Birds Star Wars launcher toy , something I had looked for last week for Nixon . With only 3 left on the shelf I picked one and showed it to Nixon . His face lit up and he was shocked when I told him I was getting it for him . He asked to carry it and I said yes . That toy turned out to be a life ( and sanity ) saver ! The line to check out was long ! Nixon was so distracted by looking at his Angry Bird box that he hardly made a peep . Occasionally , he 'd ask how much longer we had to wait , but he stayed right next to me the whole time . He was so well - behaved that 2 women standing behind me took a moment to compliment Nixon 's patience ! One lady was so kind , she said she 's seen adults with less patience that my son was showing . When it was finally our turn to go to the register , the two ladies wished Nixon a " Merry Christmas " and thanked me for raising such a well - behaved child . I did admit to them that it was the Angry Birds box in his hands keeping him so calm . I know I 'm no miracle child - whisperer ! But it sure felt nice to hear kind and praising words about Nixon 's behavior especially when we 'd stood in line for almost 20 minutes and on any other day Nixon may have been making those same women cringe and glare at me for my less - than - patient child . But that didn 't happen today ! * " Is it Christmas now ? " I have heard this question at least 5 times an hour , every day , since putting gifts that arrived from Nixon 's nana under the tree . He sees the gifts and knows he can 't open them until Christmas and he asks if it 's Christmas yet . For some reason he expects a different answer than the previous one he was given just moments before . * Nixon chose a small , plastic yo - yo from the toy basket when he saw Santa on Tuesday . He continuously twirled the thing around and was told repeatedly not too , in addition to throwing it which he also had been told not to do . So , it was not a surprise to me , when it broke because the string snapped and the yo - yo smashed into the wall breaking in half in a way that made it unfixable . He started to cry instantly , and instead of being a coddling and loving mom over the broken toy from Santa , I just told him to pick up the pieces and throw it out . Harsh ? Maybe , but he knows that broken toys get thrown out and he had been warned about swinging it and throwing it . * Finally , I was wrapping gifts tonight after I thought Nixon was asleep . Nixon had been in bed for nearly an hour and a half when I started wrapping gifts . It wasn 't until I started wrapping the gifts from the jolly man in the red suit that I hear his door open . I pause , thinking he had to go to the bathroom , and wait . I hear him pass the bathroom and I quickly swept all proof of Santa gifts out of sight and usher him back upstairs ! Nixon 's school had a holiday party this evening . Nixon got to decorate cookies , play with glitter play dough , made a pipe cleaner / bead candy cane and played snowman cornhole . He even got to see Santa , sit on his lap and tell him what he 'd like for Christmas . Nixon was very detailed about the only gift he asked for ! As we left and headed home , it had started to snow . Nixon loved watching the snow falling from the backseat and even better , we went on a little drive and looked at houses with lights and decorations up . Before he went to bed , Nixon declared tonight the " Best night ever ! " . Mac took Nixon to purchase my christmas gift from Nixon . When they were checking out , the cashier asked if they 'd like to purchase a toy for Toys for Tots and said it 'd go to a child who might not have a gift otherwise . Nixon , as soon as he heard that , said " Yeah ! " , and of course Mac agreed . Nixon choose the toy that he wanted to donate and put it into the collection box . When they came and got me , Nixon came running over and said " Mommy , guess what ? ! ? We got a toy for a kid that needs a present . I picked it out and put it in the box ! " , just as happy as could be . Mac explained it to me and I told Nixon that was a very kind and wonderful thing to do for someone else . He says " Yeah , they 'll like the toy , because it 's cool ! " . He may not totally get the concept , but he knew enough to agree to the donation . And he knew the toy wasn 't for him , so he didn 't fight abut putting it in the donation box . Mac was super pleased about that ! He ate breakfast , and offered a great gem of wisdom to Mac when I offered him a cup of coffee . ( Mac , I offered Mac a cup of coffee , not Nixon . In case someone wasn 't following that . ) Nixon tell Mac , who declined my offer , " It 's good for you , Daddy ! " * Speaking of coffee , Mac was making his usual cup of coffee before he goes to work for the night , and for some reason the Keurig was brewing the coffee . He asked me and I tried once , with no luck . I quickly got onto google to troubleshoot issues . Thankfully , the first tip worked ( clear out the puncture points as they get clogged sometimes ) . Nixon kept coming over to see what I was doing and I was trying to remain calm and not flip out that my coffee maker might be broken . I finally got down to his eye level and said very calmly to him " Nixon , I 'm trying to fix my coffee maker . It 's not working right now and you know how important coffee is to me , right ? Please just give me a couple minutes to work on it , okay ? " * Nixon and I had to go to the post office today ( I know , I know ! ) to send off a couple orders I 'd gotten in my etsy shop . We went to the smaller one , closest to the house because I foolishly thought it 'd have a shorter line . It did not . We waited for almost half an hour , but Nixon was really good . He played with the display toys they 've got out ( the post office is inside a local gift shoppe ) and stayed close enough that I could see him and he could hear me . He was really good , a little resistance before we left but nothing horrible . Especially considering he 's not a big fan of lines of people . The store was stupid crowded , people were incredibly rude , and Nixon ? Nixon was his happy " excuse me " self as we passed by someone . He even pointed out a shattered glass ornament to me , and in turn I flagged down an employee so it could be cleaned up before someone cut themselves on it . At the checkout , Nixon helped the lady in line behind us . One of her smaller items almost fell off the belt , Nixon noticed it , caught it and put it back safely . She thanked him and Nixon said " It 's what 's right , right mommy ? " Then he goes on to talk to her about the crayon maker she had in her cart ! " You can make crayon cars with that ! " , he told her very excitedly ! She was so sweet and nice to him . As we were walking out , another woman bumped into Nixon and Nixon said " Oh I 'm sorry , I bumped you " , even though she bumped him . She rolled her eyes at him ! Nixon said , as we kept walking , " She should have said something to me , right mommy ? " . I explained that there are a lot of people in the store and some people don 't realize they bumped someone or don 't remember to use their manners . * Nixon decided this morning he wanted a cool hair style . I gave him a fauxhawk , which looked awesome until it was time to put on his beanie to leave for school . It was no fauxhawk when the beanie came off . He didn 't care , he was happy to be at school with his friends . * Evidently , there 's a tattletale in Nixon 's classroom . This little cutie saw me come to pick Nixon up and he came running up to me " Nixon 's Mommy ! Nixon 's Mommy ! Guess what Nixon did today . . . . " , and then Nixon 's teacher asked the child to stop tattling and told me what happened : Nixon was being whiny and instead of asking for help he 'd say " Someone come help me ! " or " I can 't do this ! " . His teacher would tell him that wasn 't how to ask for help . They worked on it and by the end of his day he was saying the correct " Can you help me please ? " when he needed help . On the drive home , we talked about this . I gave him a couple examples of " right " or " wrong " ways to ask for something . Nixon : Mommy , Santa 's elves are busy making all the toys at the sweatshop in the North Pole . me : What ? Wait . . . work shop or sweatshop ? Nixon : Sweatshop , Mommy . The elves work there . They 're almost done with all the presents . me : Nixon , I think and hope , you mean work shop . Sweat shops are bad places and I don 't think Santa runs a sweat shop . Nixon : Uh - huh ! Santa lives in the work shop , Mommy . I asked him later , after Mac woke up , where the elves worked and Nixon said " They work at Santa 's workshops . Not the other bad places . " Good to know my talk this morning about sweatshops being bad got through to him ! Posted by He had a band - aid on his pinkie and wanted to tell us about his owie . Other than that , he had a great day ! His teachers were happy with him , I was proud of him and best of all , Nixon was smiling and proud to show - off his sticker card for the day ! Just a really great and awesome day at school ! * Nixon comes running in from the kitchen to the living room and says " I LOVE YOU , COOKIE MONSTER ! " . Mac was at work , so I asked him , " Am I Cookie Monster ? " . Nixon says " Yes , and I love you ! " It was just a random outburst of affection for me from Nixon , and I ate it up ! He is wonderful ! I even got snuggles tonight before he went to bed . * Nixon had a serious issue today with whining and talking back . I don 't know what the problem was , but I 'd had enough ! He was just being rude for no reason . At one point , I sent him to his room and Mac decided the spare bedroom was a better place for him no toys . * But he also had his sweet moments too . He cuddled under the blanket on the sofa with me , laying down on my chest and watching TV with me . He was being totally adorable and very loving . I 'll take these moments when I get them . Posted by * Nixon was awake today when I found out his school day was cancelled . School wasn 't cancelled , just delayed but because of the delay , his morning part - time preschool class was cancelled . I asked if he wanted to do what you always do on a snow day : go back to bed , but he said no . I made him a sheet - tent in his room , set him up with his PSP in the tent in his room . * When we came downstairs for the day , his very first question was " Mommy , what 's my snowman look like today ? " . I opened the door and we looked . He was melting but not too bad . He looked pretty much exactly like he looked when I saw it at 1am before going to be ( the picture above ) . He didn 't get to look at his snowman before bed tonight , but right now it 's not looking pretty . But the plus side is , we 're expecting 2 - 6 inches of snow tomorrow , so there 's a chance Nixon will get a real snowman in the next day or two ! " It 's snow ! It 's raining snow from the sky ! " - a winter weather gem from Nixon today . Dec 8th : Nixon and his first ever snowmanDay 342 * Nixon stood by the back door and just watched the fluffy flakes fall . Just awed as they started sticking to the garbage can and the table we have outside . He looked at me and said " Mommy , look ! It 's snow ! It 's raining snow from the sky ! It 's a lot of snow ! " He was so happy ! * I got Nixon bundled up : thermal shirt , tee shirt , sweatshirt , jacket , beanie , gloves , pj bottoms ( because he doesn 't have long johns ) and jeans plus boots . Then I got myself all winter ready and we headed outside ! My baby boy was so excited ! We tossed snow at each other , took a short walk to the backyard and played back there , made a mini - snowman ( Nixon 's first snowman of any kind ! ) . * I made soup today . It was a yummy potato and ham soup . I asked Nixon if he 'd try a bite when it was ready . He had said yes . . . . until the time came to try it . He refused , fought , cried and ultimately asked to go to bed instead of having to eat a BITE of my soup . * Nixon did not go right to sleep . He was in his room , but not yet sleeping . Mac and I were watching Will & Grace and Mac got a little loud with his laughs . Nixon comes down the stairs and says " Daddy , can you please be more quiet ? You 're laughing so loud I can 't sleep . " He also asked if Mac would help him open the fold - out chair in his bedroom for him . Mac apologized for being loud , but said no on the pull - out chair . He told Nixon to go to sleep in his bed . Nixon : Mommy , it 's dark outside , I have to go back to sleep so the sun will come out and it will be a sunny day . me : Sorry baby boy , but it 's time to wake up . Nixon : No Mom , that 's wrong . It 's time for sleep . . . see , the sun is still sleeping . And with that he got back under his blankets . * When I picked him up at school . the little girl who adores Nixon greeted me with " Nixon had a bad day today . He made a lot of bad choices . " . * sigh * I was totally prepared for a meltdown when I found him . It wasn 't bad . He was in the play kitchen area , with one of his teachers , putting away the plates / bowls they had played with . His teacher told me " He had a good day . He came over and asked if he could cook me dinner . He set the table , made me food and then told me he had to clear the table and wash the dishes . He was very polite about it all . " , with a big smile on her face ! As we made our way to the door , his teacher stopped and asked if I knew about the " painting situation " . Oh boy , here it comes , I thought when I heard her say that to the other teacher . It wasn 't that bad . The class was doing a painting project , but Nixon was insistent that he couldn 't do it " because my hands will get yucky with all that messy paint " . His teacher came up with a very good solution : she gave him a pair of gloves to wear . He put them on and had no problem with the paint . So my kid likes to be clean and not make a mess ? Most moms would kill for a kid like that , right ? It 's less the mess and more he doesn 't like the feel of paint on his hands . Either way , he had a great week at school and I couldn 't be happier ! * Driving in the car today , Nixon suddenly says " Mommy , someone is talking to you . It 's a little boy named Nixon ! " I had to laugh , because he was the only other person in the car with me , but because it was raining and kind of crappy out , I was so focused on driving I wasn 't exactly listening to him . Posted by * Nixon went to bed last night without BeBe . . . well , big BeBe that is . He slept with Blue BeBe . Somehow this bear has gone missing . He 's in the house , but damned if we know where . * Nixon has been playing with a balloon since Friday when Mac gave it to him and he figured out how to inflate it on his own . He 'll inflate it part way and then let the air out . He 's done it some much that . . . the inevitable happened and his balloon popped on him tonight . He was fine about it , until he realized the balloon was ruined and he would never be able to play with it again . * Every night I read Nixon his bedtime story , I read it to him in his bed with him . I snuggle under the blankets with him and read the story to him while he lies right next to me . Tonight , when I was all done with his story , I sang a silly song about his stinky toes until he asked me to stop . Then I tickled him until he decided we had to hide , under the blankets , from Mac who was coming up to say his own good night to Nixon . * Nixon woke up this morning and was ready to find R2D2 . He finally found him . . . . " sliding " down the wall in the living room . Nixon was so upset ! He told me " Mommy , he has to come down ! It 's not safe up there ! " , then to looks right at R2 and says " R2 come down here ! " . He even got annoyed that R2 wasn 't listening to him . * When I picked Nixon up from school , he came running over and said " Mommy , I made some bad choices , but a lot of good choices too ! " His teacher came over and said " He made all good choices today . He had a good day today . " His face lit up when I told him we were on our way to go pick up the tress and other decorations ! He was so excited he said " Hey everybody ! I 'm going to go get my tree so I can decorate it for Santa now ! " as he was leaving his classroom . ( By the way , I think it 's adorable that the kids in Nixon 's class will talk to me about random things and I 'm always " Hey , Nixon 's mom " before they start talking to me . Today the little girl who likes Nixon told me about the big green tree she has at her house : " Hey , um . . . Nixon 's mom , I have a big green one at my house ! " When I asked her if she had a big green tree , she said " Yeah ! It 's a big one too ! " Kids are kind of awesome ! ) * And decorate the trees we did ! We also decorated the windows with some fake snowflakes and Nixon decorated some small wooden ornaments . Nixon told me , while I was setting up our tree , " Wow , Mommy , you 're doing a great job ! That looks amazing ! " , and there wasn 't an ounce of sarcasm in his voice when he said it ! He did clean his room . . . . it just took most of the day to do it . * Nixon was true to his word last night : he didn 't wake me up until he cleaned his room . Unfortunately , he and I have differing definitions of " clean " when it comes to his room . He thought separating his toys into piles on his floor was clean , while I told him all his toys needed to be put back into his buckets and be up off the floor . He went back to clean his room , well pick up his toys as it were , and he came back to me and said " Mommy , it 's too big a job for one person . " , which was his way of asking me for help . I gave him all day to clean the room without pressure . I had no plans for the day , other than going to the storage unit and getting the holiday stuff . He eventually asked to take a nap and finished when he woke up . * I spent the evening making room for our tree in the living room , by rearranging the furniture ( again ! ) and vacuuming . Nixon helped by picking up laundry and throwing out trash whenever I asked him too . It was late , close to his bedtime , by the time I was done with that , so tomorrow while he 's in school or after I pick him up I 'll go to the storage unit and we 'll get to putting the trees up and everything like that . * Nixon woke me up super excited because he found R2D2 . . . in his room ! He said " Mom ! Guess what ? ! R2 is in my window ! How did he get there ? " The joy and happiness in his voice when he finds R2 every day is just amazing and priceless . * The day started out not so good . . . My phone shut itself off during the night , so I woke up late . Which meant I woke Nixon up late . He wasn 't really excited to wake up until I told him it was school day . Then he was almost too upset to get up because he was going to miss me . Eventually , with the help of some fresh - from - the - dryer - clothes , Nixon was ready for school . * After school , which Nixon had a mostly good day at , he and I had a wonderful mom & me date at the local mall followed by lunch at Denny 's . We rode the little train they 've got set up at the mall , which Nixon was so happy I let him ride because the last time we were at the mall he didn 't get to ride it . He also got to see the giant fish tank at the mall and see the pufferfish , his favorite fish in the tank . * Tonight , as Nixon got ready for bed , he asked about our tree and other holiday decorations . They 're all in our storage unit at the moment , but I told him if he cleans up his whole room before I wake up in the morning we can go get everything tomorrow and start decorating . He was so excited he almost didn 't go to sleep , he wanted to stay up and clean his room . * Nixon woke up this morning and was overjoyed when he saw R2D2 waiting for him ! He was a little more excited when he saw C3PO in the window . He tried telling me that C3PO needed to be with R2 , but I assured him 3PO was fine where he was . " He 's in the window to let Santa know there 's a good little boy in the house . If he 's gone he 's probably talking to Santa , you don 't want that . " * Santa was the theme of the day . Nixon and I went out together to grab dinner . On the drive there Nixon and I start talking about Santa and what he ( Nixon ) is going to ask for . Nixon : Oh , I want a race track , for my cars . And new cars , for the race track so they are fast cars . And Fluttershy . Nixon : Oh no ! See , mommy , it 's like this : The elves make the toys with magic . They take something blank and * whoosh * magic makes it a toy . Santa brings the elves with him , so they make the * whoosh * at each house . See ? Enough room ! * Friday we kind of chilled . Well actually , we woke up early and hit the only Black Friday sale we cared about : Third Eye Comics ! Thankfully , we missed most of the crazy insanity by avoiding the midnight madness sale and just went during the regular sale hours . * Saturday was a rough one , but I did manage to make a learning lesson out of my own misery / stupidity . I spent Friday night out with a few people and did a little more harm than I 'd intended with my drinking . Mac was wonderful about keeping Nixon quiet ' ish , while I was sleeping . Later , Nixon asked me why I wasn 't feeling well . I told him the truth : I drank too much last night and my body is recovering but it 's a little slow . I told him , someday 15 years from now , he might also feel this way and I will be as nice as he was to me . Which , was really nice , so he 's lucky . He came over and gave me a kiss on the head and told me he loved me . Since Saturday was the last day of the month , Mac and I put out our special holiday helper , R2D2 ! I did this last year with Nixon and he loved it ! R2 is our little reporter to Santa , like elf of the shelf but a geekier version ! The day Nixon awed people in public . . . because he is awesome ! not awful . * Nixon was outstandingly impressive today , while running errands with me ! First , the Post Office : Nixon loves our little local po . . . * Nixon was playing with his Lego 's today . First he made 2 Tie - fighters , then he made a Podracers . He was so proud of the podracer , . . .
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THE TALKING EGGS A Story from Louisiana There was once a widow who had two daughters , one named Rose and the other Blanche . Blanche was good and beautiful and gentle , but the mother cared nothing for her and gave her only hard words and harder blows ; but she loved Rose as she loved the apple of her eye , because Rose was exactly like herself , coarse - looking , and with a bad temper and a sharp tongue . Blanche was obliged to work all day , but Rose sat in a chair with folded hands as though she were a fine lady , with nothing in the world to do . One day the mother sent Blanche to the well for a bucket of water . When she came to the well she saw an old woman sitting there . The woman was so very old that her nose and her 124 chin met , and her cheeks were as wrinkled as a walnut . " Good day to you , child , " said the old woman . " Good day , auntie , " answered Blanche . " Will you give me a drink of water ? " asked the old woman . " Gladly , " said Blanche . She drew the bucket full of water , and tilted it so the old woman could drink , but the crone lifted the bucket in her two hands as though it were a feather and drank and drank till the water was all gone . Blanche had never seen any one drink so much ; not a drop was left in the bucket . " May heaven bless you ! " said the old woman , and then she went on her way . And now Blanche had to fill the bucket again , and it seemed as though her arms would break , she was so tired . When she went home her mother struck her because she had tarried so long at the well . Her blows made Blanche weep . Rose laughed when she saw her crying . The very next day the mother became angry over nothing and gave Blanche such a beating 125 that the girl ran away into the woods ; she would not stay in the house any longer . She ran on and on , deeper and deeper into the forest , and there , in the deepest part , she met the old woman she had seen beside the well . " Where are you going , my child ? And why are you weeping so bitterly ? " asked the crone . " I am weeping because my mother beat me , " answered " There you will find a bone ; put it on to boil for our dinners , " said she . She sat down beside the hearth and took off her head . Blanche found the bone and put it on to boil , though it seemed a poor dinner . The old woman gave her a grain of rice and bade her grind it in the mortar . Blanche put the rice in the mortar and ground it with the pestle , and before she had been grinding two minutes the mortar was full of rice , enough for both of them and to spare . When it was time for dinner she looked in the pot and it was full of good , fresh meat . She and the old woman had all they could eat . After dinner was over the old woman lay down on the bed . " Oh , my back ! Oh , my poor back ! How it does ache , " groaned she . " Come hither and rub it . " Blanche came over and uncovered the old crone 's back , and she was surprised when she saw it ; it was as hard and ridgy as a turtle 's . Still she said nothing but began to rub it . She 128 rubbed and rubbed till the skin was all worn off her hand . " That is good , " said the old woman . " Now I feel better . " She sat up and drew her clothes about her . Then she blew upon Blanche 's hand , and at once it was as well as ever . Blanche stayed with the old woman for three days and served her well ; she neither asked questions nor spoke of what she saw . At the end of that time her mistress said to her , " My child , you have now been with me for three days , and I can keep you here no longer . You have served me well , and you shall not lack your reward . Go to the chicken - house and look in the nests . You will find there a number of eggs . Take all that say to you , ' Take me , ' but those that say , ' Do not take me , ' you must not touch . " Blanche went out to the chicken - house and looked in the nests . There were ever so many eggs ; some of them were large and beautiful and white and shining and so pretty that she longed to take them , but each time she stretched out her hand toward one it cried , " Do not take 129 me . " Then she did not touch it . There were also some small , brown , muBreakfast Tortillas 5 . Coat same skillet with cooking spray ; add egg mixture , and cook , without stirring , 2 to 3 minutes or until eggs begin to set on bottom . Gently draw cooked edges away from sides of pan to form large pieces . The watchmen heard it , and they rushed out and beat the peasant . story source : Fables for Children ; Stories for Children ; Natural Science Stories written by Leo Tolstoy translated by Leo Wiener published 1904 I have two cool and yummy recipes for you . Both are Soon after the Great Spirit created the first man and the first woman , they began to quarrel . Nobody remembers why , but because of it , the first woman ran away in great anger . Soon , the first man became very sad , and began to moan and weep . The Great Spirit heard his cries and felt sorry for him . " Would you like to see your wife again ? " he asked . " If only she 'd come back , " the first man promised , " I 'll never quarrel with her again ! " " Go find her , then , " said the Great Spirit . The first man ran after her , but the first woman had too great a head start . So the Great Spirit created a huge patch of blueberries in her path , hoping she would stop to eat . But she was so angry , she didn 't even slow down . Finally , the Great Spirit created a new berry growing along the ground , and she slowed down to try one . It was so good , she stopped to pick more . That was how the first man finally caught up to her and apologized . They made up , and the strawberry is still shaped like a heart because it symbolizes the love of The First Man and The First Woman . ' Good day , good day ; you seem merry enough , but I am hungry and thirsty ; do pray give me something to eat . ' The huntsman took pity on her , and put his hand in his pocket and gave her what he had . Then he wanted to go his way ; but she took hold of him , and said , ' Listen , my friend , to what I am going to tell you ; I will reward you for your kindness ; go your way , and after a little time you will come to a tree where you will see nine birds sitting on a cloak . Shoot into the midst of them , and one will fall down dead : the cloak will fall too ; take it , it is a wishing - cloak , and when you wear it you will find yourself at any place where you may wish to be . Cut open the dead bird , take out its heart and keep it , and you will find a piece of gold under your pillow every morning when you rise . It is the bird 's heart that will bring you this good luck . ' The huntsman thanked her , and thought to himself , ' If all this does happen , it will be a fine thing for me . ' When he had gone a hundred steps or so , he heard a screaming and chirping in the branches over him , and looked up and saw a flock of birds pulling a cloak with their bills and feet ; screaming , fighting , and tugging at each other as if each wished to have it himself . ' Well , ' said the huntsman , ' this is wonderful ; this happens just as the old woman said ' ; then he shot into the midst of them so that their feathers flew all about . Off went the flock chattering away ; but one fell down dead , and the cloak with it . Then the huntsman did as the old woman told him , cut open the bird , took out the heart , and carried the cloak home with him . The next morning when he awoke he lifted up his pillow , and there lay the piece of gold glittering underneath ; the same happened next day , and indeed every day when he arose . He heaped up a great deal of gold , and at last thought to himself , ' Of what use is this gold to me whilst I am at home ? I will go out into the world and look about me . ' Then he took leave of his friends , and hung his bag and bow about his neck , and went his way . It so happened that his road one day led through a thick wood , at the end of which was a large castle in a green meadow , and at one of the windows stood an old woman with a very beautiful young lady by her side looking about them . Now the old woman was a witch , and said to the young lady , ' There is a young man coming out of the wood who carries a wonderful prize ; we must get it away from him , my dear child , for it is more fit for us than for him . He has a bird 's heart that brings a piece of gold under his pillow every morning . ' Meantime the huntsman came nearer and looked at the lady , and said to himself , ' I have been travelling so long that I should like to go into this castle and rest myself , for I have money enough to pay for anything I want ' ; but the real reason was , that he wanted to see more of the beautiful lady . Then he went into the house , and was welcomed kindly ; and it was not long before he was so much in love that he thought of nothing else but looking at the lady 's eyes , and doing everything that she wished . Then the old woman said , ' Now is the time for getting the bird 's heart . ' So the lady stole it away , and he never found any more gold under his pillow , for it lay now under the young lady 's , and the old woman took it away every morning ; but he was so much in love that he never missed his prize . ' Well , ' said the old witch , ' we have got the bird 's heart , but not the wishing - cloak yet , and that we must also get . ' ' Let us leave him that , ' said the young lady ; ' he has already lost his wealth . ' Then the witch was very angry , and said , ' Such a cloak is a very rare and wonderful thing , and I must and will have it . ' So she did as the old woman told her , and set herself at the window , and looked about the country and seemed very sorrowful ; then the huntsman said , ' What makes you so sad ? ' ' Alas ! dear sir , ' said she , ' yonder lies the granite rock where all the costly diamonds grow , and I want so much to go there , that whenever I think of it I cannot help being sorrowful , for who can reach it ? only the birds and the flies - man cannot . ' ' If that 's all your grief , ' said the huntsman , ' I 'll take there with all my heart ' ; so he drew her under his cloak , and the moment he wished to be on the granite mountain they were both there . The diamonds glittered so on all sides that they were delighted with the sight and picked up the finest . But the old witch made a deep sleep come upon him , and he said to the young lady , ' Let us sit down and rest ourselves a little , I am so tired that I cannot stand any longer . ' So they sat down , and he laid his head in her lap and fell asleep ; and whilst he was sleeping on she took the cloak from his shoulders , hung it on her own , picked up the diamonds , and wished herself home again . When he awoke and found that his lady had tricked him , and left him alone on the wild rock , he said , ' Alas ! what roguery there is in the world ! ' and there he sat in great grief and fear , not knowing what to do . Now this rock belonged to fierce giants who lived upon it ; and as he saw three of them striding about , he thought to himself , ' I can only save myself by feigning to be asleep ' ; so he laid himself down as if he were in a sound sleep . When the giants came up to him , the first pushed him with his foot , and said , ' What worm is this that lies here curled up ? ' ' Tread upon him and kill him , ' said the second . ' It 's not worth the trouble , ' said the third ; ' let him live , he 'll go climbing higher up the mountain , and some cloud will come rolling and carry him away . ' And they passed on . But the huntsman had heard all they said ; and as soon as they were gone , he climbed to the top of the mountain , and when he had sat there a short time a cloud came rolling around him , and caught him in a whirlwind and bore him along for some time , till it settled in a garden , and he fell quite gently to the ground amongst the greens and cabbages . Then he looked around him , and said , ' I wish I had something to eat , if not I shall be worse off than before ; for here I see neither apples nor pears , nor any kind of fruits , nothing but vegetables . ' At last he thought to himself , ' I can eat salad , it will refresh and strengthen me . ' So he picked out a fine head and ate of it ; but scarcely had he swallowed two bites when he felt himself quite changed , and saw with horror that he was turned into an ass . However , he still felt very hungry , and the salad tasted very nice ; so he ate on till he came to another kind of salad , and scarcely had he tasted it when he felt another change come over him , and soon saw that he was lucky enough to have found his old shape again . Then he laid himself down and slept off a little of his weariness ; and when he awoke the next morning he broke off a head both of the good and the bad salad , and thought to himself , ' This will help me to my fortune again , and enable me to pay off some folks for their treachery . ' So he went away to try and find the castle of his friends ; and after wandering about a few days he luckily found it . Then he stained his face all over brown , so that even his mother would not have known him , and went into the castle and asked for a lodging ; ' I am so tired , ' said he , ' that I can go no farther . ' ' Countryman , ' said the witch , ' who are you ? and what is your business ? ' ' I am , ' said he , ' a messenger sent by the king to find the finest salad that grows under the sun . I have been lucky enough to find it , and have brought it with me ; but the heat of the sun scorches so that it begins to wither , and I don 't know that I can carry it farther . ' ' To be sure , ' answered he ; ' I have two heads of it with me , and will give you one ' ; so he opened his bag and gave them the bad . Then the witch herself took it into the kitchen to be dressed ; and when it was ready she could not wait till it was carried up , but took a few leaves immediately and put them in her mouth , and scarcely were they swallowed when she lost her own form and ran braying down into the court in the form of an ass . Now the servant - maid came into the kitchen , and seeing the salad ready , was going to carry it up ; but on the way she too felt a wish to taste it as the old woman had done , and ate some leaves ; so she also was turned into an ass and ran after the other , letting the dish with the salad fall on the ground . The messenger sat all this time with the beautiful young lady , and as nobody came with the salad and she longed to taste it , she said , ' I don 't know where the salad can be . ' Then he thought something must have happened , and said , ' I will go into the kitchen and see . ' And as he went he saw two asses in the court running about , and the salad lying on the ground . ' All right ! ' said he ; ' those two have had their share . ' Then he took up the rest of the leaves , laid them on the dish and brought them to the young lady , saying , ' I bring you the dish myself that you may not wait any longer . ' So she ate of it , and like the others ran off into the court braying away . ' What 's the matter ? ' said the miller . ' I have three tiresome beasts here , ' said the other ; ' if you will take them , give them food and room , and treat them as I tell you , I will pay you whatever you ask . ' ' With all my heart , ' said the miller ; ' but how shall I treat them ? ' Then the huntsman said , ' Give the old one stripes three times a day and hay once ; give the next ( who was the servant - maid ) stripes once a day and hay three times ; and give the youngest ( who was the beautiful lady ) hay three times a day and no stripes ' : for he could not find it in his heart to have her beaten . After this he went back to the castle , where he found everything he wanted . Some days after , the miller came to him and told him that the old ass was dead ; ' The other two , ' said he , ' are alive and eat , but are so sorrowful that they cannot last long . ' Then the huntsman pitied them , and told the miller to drive them back to him , and when they came , he gave them some of the good salad to eat . And the beautiful young lady fell upon her knees before him , and said , ' O dearest huntsman ! forgive me all the ill I have done you ; my mother forced me to it , it was against my will , for I always loved you very much . Your wishing - cloak hangs up in the closet , and as for the bird 's heart , I will give it you too . ' But he said , ' Keep it , it will be just the same thing , for I mean to make you my wife . ' Salads are delicious and as varied as any food can get . The variety of greens and other available ingredients is endless . Kids do not always want to eat the healthier foods but with salads there 's a lot to work with . If you try , you can find a combination that they will like . Why not have your own salad bar at home ? The salad below is delicious . You can use the dressing below or a bottled dressing . Spinach and Strawberry Salad with Glazed Pecans ( and other stuff if you want ) Add the oil in steady stream with blender on low speed . Blend until the dressing is creamy and thick . Drizzle over your salad and garnish , generously , with glazed pecans . The Story of the Three Little PigsOnce upon a time when pigs spoke rhymeAnd monkeys chewed tobacco , And hens took snuff to make them tough , And ducks went quack , quack , quack , O ! There was an old sow with three little pigs , and as she had not enough to keep them , she sent them out to seek their fortune . The first that went off met a man with a bundle of straw , and said to him , " Please , man , give me that straw to build me a house . " Which the man did , and the little pig built a house with it . Presently came along a wolf , and knocked at the door , and said , " Little pig , little pig , let me come in . " To which the pig answered , " No , no , by the hair of my chiny chin chin . " The wolf then answered to that , " Then I 'll huff , and I 'll puff , and I 'll blow your house in . " So he huffed , and he puffed , and he blew his house in , and ate up the little pig . The second little pig met a man with a bundle of furze [ sticks ] , and said , " Please , man , give me that furze to build a house . " Which the man did , and the pig built his house . Then along came the wolf , and said , " Little pig , little pig , let me come in . " " No , no , by the hair of my chiny chin chin . " " Then I 'll puff , and I 'll huff , and I 'll blow your house in . " So he huffed , and he puffed , and he puffed , and he huffed , and at last he blew the house down , and he ate up the little pig . The third little pig met a man with a load of bricks , and said , " Please , man , give me those bricks to build a house with . " So the man gave him the bricks , and he built his house with them . So the wolf came , as he did to the other little pigs , and said , " Little pig , little pig , let me come in . " " No , no , by the hair of my chiny chin chin . " " Then I 'll huff , and I 'll puff , and I 'll blow your house in . " Well , he huffed , and he puffed , and he huffed and he puffed , and he puffed and huffed ; but he could not get the house down . When he found that he could not , with all his huffing and puffing , blow the house down , he said , " Little pig , I know where there is a nice field of turnips . " " Where ? " said the little pig . " Oh , in Mr . SmitPosted by A POOR man planted a bed of garlic , and as he had no land besides , each plant was separately tended and grew apace . When the crop was almost large enough for pulling he placed beside the bed a portable hutch , and slept there o ' nights to guard against thieves . After watching for many nights without seeing sign of trespassers , he concluded that there were none about , and that he might as well sleep at home ; so he left the empty hutch beside the garlic bed , and spent the night in his own house . When he came back next morning to water his vegetables , he found that all had been pulled and carried off . In consternation and tears he went to the magistrate and entered complaint of his loss . The magistrate called him up for examination , and asked him why he did not seize the thief . " Because , your honor , I was not there when he came . " " Then why do you not bring as witness some one who saw him ? " " Because , your honor , nobody caught a glimpse of him . " " Then why did you not bring from the garlic bed some clue by which he might be traced ? " " Because , your honor , he left nothing in the bed besides the portable hutch which was there before . " " Very well , " said the magistrate ; " since the hutch was the only object known to be on the field at the time of the theft , we will make the hutch the defendant in the suit , and to - morrow morning you will appear here as plaintiff against it . " The complaint and the result of the preliminary examination were reported far and wide , with the official announcement that on the next morning a portable hutch would be tried for theft . So remarkable a trial had never before been heard of , and it became the subject of inquiry , comment , and debate throughout the neighborhood . When the case was called the court was crowded with spectators . The constables brought in the hutch and put it in the place for prisoners . It was charged with the crime , and as it offered no defense the magistrate ordered that it should be beaten until it confessed its guilt . The constables administered blows with a will , Posted by Another great echo / songtale ! This is a traditional song . I am not totally sure of it 's origins . I have seen it listed as an African American song but it may just be a southern traditional song . This song or chant is also good for teaching steady beat . The beat can be pat out on your legs or tapped out on a drum . No More Pie ( each line is echoed by children ) Oh , my ! No more pie . Pie 's too sweet . I wanna piece of meat . Meat 's too red . I wanna piece of bread . Bread 's too brown . I think I 'll go to town . Town 's too far . I think I 'll take the car . Car won 't go . I fell and stubbed my toe . Toe gives me pain . I think I 'll take the train . Train had a wreck . I fell and hurt my neck . Oh , my ! No more pie . Oh , my ! No more pie . The last two lines a said just a little slower . As if a train were come to the end of the line . This is a great song to use for thinking up rhymes or just new actions for the song . Ex : Oh , no . ( oh , no ) Too much snow . ( too much snow ) or you can use the kid 's namesHello Paul ( hello Paul ) Let 's walk down the hall . ( let 's walk down the hall ) Unfortunately , all names are not this simple to rhyme but it can be fun to make up silly words . " Easy as Pie " PieIngredients * 2 / 3 cup boiling water * 1 ( 3 ounce ) package strawberry flavored gelatin mix * 1 / 2 cup cold water * 1 / 2 cup ice * 1 ( 8 ounce ) container frozen whipped topping , thawed * 1 ( 9 inch ) prepared graham cracker crust * 1 cup strawberries , hulled and slicedDirections1 . In large bowl , stir boiling water into gelatin at least 2 minutes until completely dissolved . 2 . Mix cold water and ice to measure 3 / 4 cup . 3 . Add to gelatin , stirring until slightly thickened . Remove any remaining ice . 4 . Stir in whipped topping with wire whisk until smooth . 5 . Refrigerate 15 to 20 minutes or until mixture is very thick and will mound . 6 . Spoon filling into crust . Refrigerate 4 hours or overnight . 7 . Garnish with sliced strawberries before serving . Hanasaka Jiisan or The Envious NeighborLong , long ago an old couple lived in a village , and , as they had no children to love and care for , they gave all their affection to a little dog . He was a pretty little creature , and instead of growing spoilt and disagreeable at not getting everything hewanted , as even children will do sometimes , the dog was grateful to them for their kindness , and never left their side , whether they were in the house or out of it . One day the old man was working in his garden , with his dog , as usual , close by . The morning was hot , and at last he put down his spade and wiped his wet forehead , noticing , as he did so , that the animal was snuffling and scratching at a spot a little way off . There was nothing very strange in this , as all dogs arefond of scratching , and he went on quietly with his digging , when the dog ran up to his master , barking loudly , and back again to the place where he had been scratching . This he did several times , till the old man wondered what could be the matter , and , picking up the spade , followed where the dog led him . The dog was so delighted at his success that he jumped round , barking loudly , till the noise brought the old woman out of the house . Curious to know if the dog had really found anything , the husband began to dig , and very soon the spade struck against something . He stooped down and pulled out a large box , filled quite full with shining gold pieces . The box was so heavy that the oldwoman had to help to carry it home , and you may guess what a supper the dog had that night ! Now that he had made them rich , they gave him every day all that a dog likes best to eat , and the cushions on which he lay were fit for a prince . The story of the dog and his treasure soon became known , and a neighbor whose garden was next the old people 's grew so envious of their good luck that he could neither eat nor sleep . As the dog had discovered a treasure once , this foolish man thought he must be able to discover one always , and begged the old couple to lend him their pet for a liPosted by January 6th is Bean Day ! There was once upon a time a poor widow who had an only son named Jack , and a cow named Milky - White . And all they had to live on was the milk the cow gave every morning , which they carried to the market and sold . But one morning Milky - White gave no milk , and they didn 't know what to do . " What shall we do , what shall we do ? " said the widow , wringing her hands . " Cheer up , mother , I 'll go and get work somewhere , " said Jack . " We 've tried that before , and nobody would take you , " said his mother . " We must sell Milky - White and with the money start a shop , or something . " " All right , mother , " says Jack . " It 's market day today , and I 'll soon sell Milky - White , and then we 'll see what we can do . " So he took the cow 's halter in his hand , and off he started . He hadn 't gone far when he met a funny - looking old man , who said to him , " Good morning , Jack . " " Good morning to you , " said Jack , and wondered how he knew his name . " Well , Jack , and where are you off to ? " said the man . " I 'm going to market to sell our cow there . " " Oh , you look the proper sort of chap to sell cows , " said the man . " I wonder if you know how many beans make five . " " Two in each hand and one in your mouth , " says Jack , as sharp as a needle . " Right you are , " says the man , " and here they are , the very beans themselves , " he went on , pulling out of his pocket a number of strange - looking beans . " As you are so sharp , " says he , " I don 't mind doing a swap with you - - your cow for these beans . " " Go along , " says Jack . " Wouldn 't you like it ? " " Ah ! You don 't know what these beans are , " said the man . " If you plant them overnight , by morning they grow right up to the sky . " " Really ? " said Jack . " You don 't say so . " " Yes , that is so . And if it doesn 't turn out to be true you can have your cow back . " " Right , " says Jack , and hands him over Milky - White 's halter and pockets the beans . Back goes Jack home , and as he hadn 't gone very far it wasn 't dusk by the time he got to his door . " Back already , Jack ? " said his mother . " I see you haven 't got Milky - White , so you 've sold her . HowPosted by January is National Soup Month ! Boil stones in butter , and you may sip the broth . English ProverbThere was once a tramp , who went plodding his way through a forest . The distance between the houses was so great that he had little hope of finding a shelter before the night set in . But all of a sudden he saw some lights between the trees . He then discovered a cottage , where there was a fire burning on the hearth . " How nice it would be to roast one 's self before that fire , and to get a bite of something , " he thought ; and so he dragged himself towards the cottage . Just then an old woman came towards him . " Good evening , and well met ! " said the tramp . " Good evening , " said the woman . " Where do you come from ? " " South of the sun , and east of the moon , " said the tramp , " and now I am on the way home again , for I have been all over the world with the exception of this parish , " he said . " You must be a great traveler , then , " said the woman . " What may be your business here ? " " Oh , I want a shelter for the night , " he said . " I thought as much , " said the woman ; " but you may as well get away from here at once , for my husband is not at home , and my place is not an inn , " she said . " My good woman , " said the tramp , " you must not be so cross and hardhearted , for we are both human beings , and should help one another , it is written . " " Help one another ? " said the woman . " Help ? Did you ever hear such a thing ? Who 'll help me , do you think ? I haven 't got a morsel in the house ! No , you 'll have to look for quarters elsewhere , " she said . But the tramp was like the rest of his kind . He did not consider himself beaten at the first rebuff . Although the old woman grumbled and complained as much as she could , he was just as persistent as ever , and went on begging and praying like a starved dog , until at last she gave in , and he got permission to lie on the floor for the night . That was very kind , he thought , and he thanked her for it . " Better on the floor without sleep , than suffer cold in the forest deep , " he said , for he was a merry fellow , this tramp , and was alwPosted by [ image : American Flag Slab Pie ] Looking for something special to bring to a Fourth of July cook - out ? Check out this American Flag Pie ! It 's a sheet - pan sl . . . These cookies are major . Chocolate chunks , peanut butter M & M 's , and creamy peanut butter all wrapped up in a mega , palm - sized cookie . A happy and colorful . . . It 's another dreary day - cool and rainy . The last few weeks seemed more like March . Still , I 've managed finally to get ahead of the grass that would consume . . . JINGLE BELLS The song that we now know as Jingle Bells was originally titled " One Horse Open Sleigh " . It was written in 1857 by James Lord Pierpont . Th . . . A picture once was shown , In which one man , alone , Upon the ground had thrown A lion fully grown . Much gloried at the sight the rabble . A lion thus . . .
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" Well , it is set to twenty - one degrees inside , young lady . It must still be a big change from frigid Canada for you . Has any of your shoes or clothing been in a stream or lake prior to coming here ? " the official asked . An officer in a blue uniform with a badge emblem on his shoulder appeared . " Excuse me Bruce , they are here on Crown business . Please come with me Ms . Miller and Mr . Miller . " " I got some sleep sir . It was a very long flight . I think my grandfather can sleep anywhere . He is rested . I hardly got any . " " I understand . It is good to have you both here . Especially on such short notice too . We think we got your man . It looks like he may have travelled under a false passport to Hong Kong where he caught a transport to here . But , we can discuss that at headquarters . By the way , I believe you are an agent ? You aren 't armed are you , Mr . Miller ? " " No sir . I wish I was , but I was ordered to stand down on this trip by my government . We are here simply to confirm that you have captured the right man . " " Good . We can only hold him so long . In less than ten hours , we have to release him if you can 't confirm his identity . Follow me please . " He led us to a police car stationed outside . We put our luggage in his boot and headed to the police headquarters . We were taken to a room with a door to a dark room with one - way glass . Grandpa Miller went in first and the door was closed . I smoothed my skirt and sat down , crossed my legs , put my hands in my lap , leaned my head back against the wall , closed my eyes , and dozed . A female officer watched over me . Sometime later , Grandpa Miller came out and gently shook me awake , " Come on Samantha , your turn now . " Constable Leonard led me into the dark room . He gave me a minute or two to adjust to the light levels . " Now Samantha , the men on the other side of this glass can 't see you . But you can see them . We are going to call them in . Tell them to turn left and then right by telling the officer what you want . Don 't speak when the mike is on . We don 't want him to hear your voice . Your job is to identify the man you saw in Arizona . We want you to be one hundred per cent sure . Do you understand ? " " Just so you know , Mr . Abernathy is here from the American Embassy . He is their security officer . Apparently he knows your grandfather personally and asked to be included because of the joint Canadian and American investigation . I guess you Canadians get around . " " A pleasure Samantha . Your grandfather thinks very highly of your skills . " He leaned over and whispered in my ear , " And no , no one here knows . " He gave me a gentle handshake . The men were brought in . They stood facing the window . Then they turned left , then right , then faced the window . " Sir , can you ask them to show me their backs too ? " " Definitely the third man in from the left sir . The man I saw in Arizona had a tattoo on his neck on the right side . It said ' Courage . ' The third man has that tattoo . I recognize his face and the tattoo . I am one hundred per cent sure it is him . " " Must have been recently done . That is one of the many reasons why we couldn 't confirm his identity . Very good . Mr . Abernathy , you now have two independent confirmations of identity . I will let the Canadian counsellor officer know too . We can begin the extradition proceedings . You both can decide which country he goes to first . " We exited the room where we were gathered to see the lineup and we all congregated in a larger room including my grandfather . Most talked shop until in came Superintendent Stanley of the AFP , the Australian Federal Police , who introduced himself to us as the head man of the Sydney office . He was Constable Leonard 's boss . " Pity , he was going to led us to a child porn ring in Adelaide . He has gone tight lipped on us . Refuses to turn on his own . I think he wants to get back to the states . His ties here aren 't good enough for us to have leverage on him anyway . But we know who he was going to contact . " said Stanley . " Is there any way to get around it . Can you do a sting and turn someone here ? I mean you know his accomplices , right ? " Grandpa Miller wanted more . He smelled blood . " Not without the proper bait . We can 't get someone fast enough . " Stanley wanted him too . It was clear both men wanted a better outcome than just an extradition . " You serious ! How ? " Stanley was intrigued , but didn 't look surprised . I think he had heard something through the grapevine and wanted to hear it for himself . " Well , for one thing , she is really a boy . Because of that , Sam can go topless and not violate any child porn laws back home . " Grandpa Miller was on the hunt . I could tell he let this bit of information go for a reason . " But , her passport says she is a girl . " Said Constable Leonard . Grandpa signaled Mr . Abernathy . Mr . Abernathy pulled out my American passport , my real one , and gave it to Stanley . " For your eyes only . Please return it when you are done looking at it . With a Canadian passport , she didn 't need an entry visa security check meaning they could fly right away and get here in time . Otherwise , we would have used her cover American passport . Time was of the essence , as you know . " " Yes sir . I am really a boy . And that is why I have been an effective tool in flushing out the bad guys . They think I am really a girl . And since I present well , and so convincingly , no one doubts my being a girl in a sting . I am being used by Canada too now . We are benefiting from their cover too for the moment . " Mr . Abernathy took my passport back . A little while later , we went into a conference room . An agent from their vice task force sat down to talk to my grandfather and me . He was clearly an undercover officer . He hadn 't shaved for days and his clothes were a little casual . He had a lot of chest hair too . He had lots of bling . Gold chains around his neck and huge rings on several fingers . He smelled of cigarette smoke . I didn 't know whether or not he smoked , but it was obvious that he was playing a part . " Samantha , outside of Adelaide is the world 's largest wooden Koaloa Bear and a toy factory . Next to it is a petting zoo . We would like to know if you would let us have one of our AFP agents lead you up to the Teddy Bear and take a few photos of you in panties and nothing else . Then take you away . There is a hill overlooking the site . Afterwards , we will let you go over and enjoy the petting zoo and into the toy factory . What we want to do is to establish that we are finding girls and letting them enjoy free toys and a trip to the petting zoo if they let us take special photos of them . This way we can convince David St . Jean 's associates that we are for real . Will you help us do this ? " Sergeant Crawford said . An hour later , we found ourselves on an hour and a half flight to Adelaide . Being summer , it was thirty - eight degrees Celsius in the shade which is one hundred degrees back home in Tennessee . It removed any feeling of it being a holiday weekend and Christmas break from my mind . We arrived and were greeted by the local undercover AFP agent who took us up into the hills of Adelaide to a safe house . They were going to order out . But I looked in the frig and saw enough supplies to make something even better . I asked the blokes if they had potatoes , onions , and red wine . They did and a few other necessary spices . I went to work . An hour or so later , after cooking up bangers , peeling potatoes , making mashed potatoes , and reducing an onion sauce with grilled onions , I started to plate bangers and mash . It was very well received . " You don 't know my granddaughter . She could make a gourmet dinner out of leftover corn flakes . " My grandfather proudly stated . He was beginning to see my talents and me , not my sex . I found myself contemplating what I could do with corn flakes and had to pinch myself to wake up . I was tired , but I wanted to see something before going to bed . I asked them if I could see the southern cross . We went out into the night and the agents showed us southern cross . One of them started to sing some Crosby , Stills , Nash , and Young . We all sang the ' Southern Cross ' and watched the stars . The night was warm and I really could feel the heat . I was still used to a Tennessee winter . " You sing nicely Samantha . " Said constable Leonard . Out of me came this beautiful song and they listened . I sang it acapella . " That is so beautiful . You have a lovely voice , Samantha . What else have you been learning to sing ? " I began singing , " Down by the Salley Gardens , " by Yeats , once again acapella . I could see my grandfather shed a tear and smile . He really hadn 't heard me singing yet and didn 't know how many hours I practiced at school singing these pieces . Mr . Thompson had worked hard with me and I worked just as hard for him . They all applauded . " Thank you . You are so very kind . " I curtseyed . " Samantha , I wish you could hear what a lovely voice you have . " Said Sergeant Crawford . I blushed but they couldn 't see it in the dark . We said our goodnights . I went to sleep quickly . But , before I fell asleep , I could feel my grandfather pull a sheet over me and kiss me on the forehead . I heard him softly say , " Sweet dreams princess . " I obeyed . The officers made breakfast for me . They said I was not to worry my pretty little head off . They owed me for such an outstanding meal the night before . Grandpa was sharing war stories with them about cases they all had worked on . He was in seventh heaven . So were they . The brotherhood of law enforcement was a good one no matter where one hung their hat . I sat demurely and listened . Then , I went to take a shower and get cleaned up . I reapplied my appliance and dressed in a nice sun dress . I made sure to wear pink panties . And I didn 't put on a bra as I had been doing lately . About eleven , they came to pick us up . " It 's weird , Grandpa . It is hot . And we missed New Year 's Eve on the flight out . I have lost that wintery feeling . All I want to do is just go jump in a pool . " " I think that is why your grandmother and I didn 't miss Christmas so much . Since most of my career has been south of the equator , I am used to this . For me , it is just another hot day and no holiday . " " I have fun telling the stories now . At the time , it was hard work and frustrating . Computers are just starting to make it easier . But , we had to keep files at the embassies and that made it hard because you had to pour through the files to find that one bit of information for a relative whose child was missing or that request from the states to know more about a criminal 's background they needed day before yesterday . That is why David St . Jean fell through the cracks . I knew him , but the rest of the federal government didn 't . On more than one occasion , I had to make a trip like this to identify someone like St . Jean for extradition . " We made our ways into the hills . The agents showed me where I had to walk and what I had to do . Generally , everything goes as planned without a hitch . Not this time . The first inkling that I had that something went wrong was after I got dressed after the photos were taken . I walked towards the petting zoo as planned . I went by a parking lot where tourists could park and either go to the Koaloa Bear , the petting zoo , or the toy factory . As I started to walk past the parking lot . A man rushed out of a vehicle coming for me . He wanted to catch me and run off with me . I ran away as fast as I could in my heels , but he was catching up . Out of the blue , my grandfather popped out of a bush and ran to tackle him . Just as he reached me to grab me , my grandfather took him down . The man was armed . They struggled and two shots rang out . My grandfather held his side and the man fell over . The man was clearly dead . Right behind my grandfather was Constable Leonard , who quickly grabbed the gun and secured it . Grandpa dropped to his knees and then sat down on the grass . I ran to my grandfather and pulled tampons out of my purse . He was still sitting up . I moved his polo shirt so I could see the entry wound . It was on the right hand side of his stomach . I quickly took out the cotton like material in the tampons and packed the wound and held on for dear life to stop the bleeding . I heard police radios behind me crying out for an air ambulance to come . I cradled my grandfather and he held on to me . " Hold on Grandpa . I love you too . I can 't lose you . I need you . " I looked over at the body on the ground . The cruel reality of death permeated the air . Here was a man that a moment ago was alive . I looked back into the eyes of my grandfather . He had been watching me and I suspected he read my mind . " Don 't worry honey , ain 't nothing going to take me out this time . I know where I was shot . They should be able to fix me up just fine . I just won 't be able to go back home right away . " I heard sirens . Constable Leonard came over and checked the body . " You got him Robert . Keep the pressure on his wound Samantha . He should make it . He is right . " I could hear sirens coming closer . Soon , paramedics jumped out of an ambulance and headed to my grandfather 's aid and took over from me . They began to work on him and ready him for transport . Off in the distance , I could hear a helicopter . " They loaded Grandpa and I into the air ambulance and flew us all off to hospital . Constable Leonard held my hand while he was in surgery . I said a silent prayer . Sergeant Crawford came in . " Samantha , how are you doing ? Have you had someone look after you too ? " Crawford and Leonard led me down the hall where they had a nurse look after my few scratches . I think they did this to distract me . I was still worried . Dr . MacArthur came in and said , " Samantha , your grandfather is going to be just fine . The bullet passed through the other man before wounding him . It didn 't hit anything vital because of the low impact velocity . We inspected his gut and fixed all the wounds . He should be good to go in a few days . He can 't travel for a week though . He will need to stay in hospital for two days at least for observation . " " We will have him in his room soon . A nurse will come and find you . You take care . I hear you are one brave little lady . It took a lot of guts to hold his stomach to stop the bleeding . I am very impressed young lady . " He patted me on the head gently and headed off . Sergeant Crawford said , " Normally , we would send you off to foster care , but this is special . You are one of our own . I will take you in if you don 't mind ? " " Not at all , I have two very nice boys . Duncan , who is eight years old , and Trent , who is ten years old . We have a pool too . So , if you like , you can go swimming . In a few days , they are saying your grandfather may be taken to Melbourne in order to be under the care of the American Consulate there . From there , you both will be able to return to the states . " When Grandpa was wheeled into the room , I had flashbacks to seeing Cybil . I began to cry . Constable Leonard held onto me and comforted me as a I started to sob . Grandpa came around and said , " C ' mon squirt . Is that how my little undercover agent is supposed to behave ? " " Of course not . I told you I would be fine . " I took his hand and held onto it for strength . Sergeant Crawford came into the room . " Robert , sorry about all this . We didn 't realize that the person we had met had a henchman follow us to the site . It was his job to snatch whatever girl that we had . They thought they were turning us . By capturing her , they thought they would have us in their grasp . Turns out that once they saw their guy taken down by your grandfather , they knew their asses were ours . They are facing attempted murder , kidnapping , and numerous other charges including involuntary manslaughter of their own man because of participating in a crime . These charges are far worse than if they had done nothing . So , they are singing like birds now . " " There has to be an investigation because of the shooting , Robert . So , there will be officers here soon to take statements . I am sure you understand that . " Said Constable Leonard . " I will . I have two sons at home . It will be nice for them to have to put up with a girl for once . But , right now , let 's get the interviews over with . I am sending in an officer who will take your statement . " I was led to a room where there was a tape recorder and a uniformed officer taking notes . " Please sit down Samantha . We just need some facts to make our reports . When there is a shooting we have to do this . Particularly when it involves a shooting . " For the next thirty minutes , I related the details of the shooting from when I started walking from the Koaloa Bear to the petting zoo to getting into the air ambulance . It was all pretty straight forward . I went over every detail I could remember . And , I could remember a lot of details . After saying goodbye to Grandpa for the night , Sergeant Crawford took me home to his place . A constable had already swung by the safe house and picked up my stuff and brought it to us before we left hospital . His wife and kids were gone . I took advantage of the fact and cleaned up . I took a shower , shaved my legs and arm pits . I washed my hair and dried it . I thoroughly got scrubbed . I then reapplied my appliance and got dressed in my nicest outfit . I put on ear rings , did my makeup , put on pink lip gloss , and brushed out my hair . I then did my nails with a nice red . I put on a red headband and my necklace with a silver heart . I then put on heels and grabbed my current book by Charles Dickens and went into their beautiful living room . I smoothed out my skirt , sat down in a Louis XIV chair , put my hand in my lap , and with my other hand held open a window into the French Revolution . I was lost among French nobles in trouble when I was startled by a voice which said to me , " And who might you be , young lady ? " I heard screaming boys coming in from behind her . They had clearly been playing soccer , or , rather , football . One of them tugged at his mom 's sleeve and said , " Who 's the pretty Sheila , mum ? " Just then , Sergeant Crawford came out from the kitchen where it looked like he was doing some paperwork . " Sorry Luv , I couldn 't get in touch with you . I had to make an executive decision . Boys , you can go get cleaned up and get changed . I need to talk to your Mom for a moment about our guest . " As they ran off , Sergeant Crawford told her about what happened that day and who I was . " Oh my , you poor thing . I am so sorry your grandfather got shot . Yes , of course I want you to stay with us too . " She then turned to her husband and whispered in his ear loud enough for me to hear , " And she is a boy you say ? ! " Sergeant Crawford nodded yes . Mrs . Crawford looked at me at a loss as to what to say . " Ma ' am , what I do is important enough that I can 't break character . It is best for me and for the people I work with if there is no confusion about my gender in their speech or attitude . So , please , don 't even tell your boys unless it is necessary . " " Come on Samantha , I would love the help . " I followed her into the kitchen and soon found myself standing with her next to their refrigerator . " I was with the boys all day and have no idea what to do for dinner . Any ideas ? " " Mind if I do a quick survey ? " She nodded yes and I looked thru the frig . I grabbed some butter , milk , Gruyere cheese , and then some Parmesan cheese . I put them out . I then found some deli black forest ham and Dijon mustard . " Do you have tomato soup , by any chance ? " She pulled out some cans of tomato soup from her cupboards . I then checked her bread supply and she had more than enough . " Nope . A French teacher recently taught me how to make them . " We went to work together . I made up the roux and then the cheese sauce first . She preheated the oven to two hundred degrees Celsius . We then toasted the bread in the oven while we heated the soup . We quickly assembled the sandwiches and put them in the oven . Soon , the dinner table was set and we were enjoying a French meal . " Samantha , this is fantastic ! " Sergeant Crawford was beside himself . " Daddy , this is good ! Can Samantha come more often ? " Duncan , their youngest who is eight years old , was really enjoying the sandwich . " It helps that my mother went to culinary school after my brother and sister were born . She didn 't think a history degree would get her anywhere . That is , until she became a teacher . " " No , I just turned twelve at the end of December . I started a year before I should have . It means that I have been both the youngest and the smallest in my class . But , I get good grades and it isn 't hurting me . " " It is okay Mrs . Crawford . My Grandpa was helping your Dad and he got hurt . He has to stay in hospital and I need to stay somewhere until he can check out of hospital . Your Dad and Mom have graciously let me stay with you . " " Well , if you can cook like this , you are welcome anytime . I loved the help in the kitchen . I don 't get much help from my boys . " Mrs . Crawford patted me on the arm and gave me a big smile . Then she glared at her boys . " Boys , did you see what Samantha just did ? " Mrs . Crawford gave her boys a long hard stare . I felt sorry for the boys . I was being used as an instrument of correction again . But , at the same time , I realized what my Doug taught me was very important . He got me to participate in family and not just be a taker . Duncan came up to me and said he was sorry . He took some of my dishes and went with me into the kitchen . " Thank you Duncan . This is very kind of you . " I patted him on the back . Mrs . Crawford smiled at his boldness and looked to see how I would respond with an amused expression on her face . " My mom won 't let me date until next year . Sorry Duncan . " " Oh darn . My friend Roger has a girlfriend and he is always saying that I will never get a girlfriend . " Oh , how that tugged at my heart . I looked at Mrs . Crawford and got a mischievous smile on my face . " Well , while I am here , your Mom is my Mom and I am supposed to obey her . If she says I can be your girlfriend tomorrow , I can be . " She giggled , " Well , we will have to see . I want my boy to treat his girlfriend right . And how he treats his Mum will be an important part of that . " " Oh , not very clean , Samantha . I would hate for you to have a boyfriend who keeps a messy room . " She was clearly enjoying where this was headed . The boys headed off to bed . I was told to stay up because of the time difference . I would be headed to bed just as my parents woke up . About Ten O ' clock at night , the phone rang . Sergeant Crawford answered the phone . " Yes sir , she is here and she is fine . She would like to speak with you . " " Yes , honey , we have . He sounded good . We are concerned though . We may have to rethink you participating in this if it means you can get hurt . " Dad said . I felt pain at hearing that . This could tank my being a girl . But , right now , I had to play along and trust that Doug would take care of their concerns . " I understand . Still , something Grandpa said today put it into perspective for me . " " What is that honey ? " Mom asked . I heard silence for a moment . Then Dad said , " Well , we will have them do a better job at the very least . We love you sweetheart . Are you being a good girl ? " " Yes sir . I am being well behaved . And the Crawfords are real corkers . They have been extraordinarily kind to me . I couldn 't be in better hands . I am going to be swimming with them tomorrow . They have their own pool . " " Yes , Mom . Grandpa bought a one - piece with Officer O ' Brien before I left . They did a nice job of choosing clothes for me too . I am going to have to thank her when I get back because I know Grandpa didn 't choose them . I do need to do laundry tomorrow , but I have more than enough clothes . I love you . See you soon . Tell everyone back home I miss them . Tell Doug I miss my brother . " I hung up . Sergeant Crawford said , " I like what your Grandpa said . He is right . Today you both saved a lot of little girls . That makes you a hero . " " I don 't know sir . I just feel like a scared little girl right now . Thank you again for taking me in . I really appreciate it . And your boys are really nice . " He patted me on the head and said he understood . Then he sent me off to bed . I brushed my teeth , got ready for bed , and climbed into bed and fell asleep right away . Somehow , my body clock adjusted to local time and I woke up at six . I went to the loo and went out to the kitchen . It was Sunday morning . I sat at the breakfast table and read more Dickens enjoying the warm sun coming through the window . It was strange enjoying long days in the midst of what should be winter for me . Sergeant Crawford came out and sat down with me . " Samantha , just to let you know . The story has hit the news service . They have heard a man was shot and killed at the Koala Bear Toy Factory who was attempting to kidnap a child and that an American got hurt while stopping him . It is being handled by the local police bureau 's public relations officer . The good news is that they can 't print your name because of you being a minor . But , the bad news is that your grandfather doesn 't have the same protection . The Vice Consular from the American Embassy is coming here to accept a commendation for his bravery in a few weeks . The media has been given a cover name to print , Roscoe Calvin Milsap . So , it shouldn 't mean much . But , it does mean that if anyone hears you talking about the shooting , they will know about it . The story is that your grandfather saw the man rushing to grab a child and your grandfather tackled him . When he did , the man 's gun went off and killed him . Your grandfather is being called a hero . " " Well , not only that , it has hit the national news in your country too . Local man does good . So , his story is being sent all around the world . It means that you will have to be careful not to be photographed with him . " A press release was issued on behalf of my grandfather . " I appreciate all the well wishes for what I did . But what I did any other father or grandfather would do . I am sorry that it took the man 's life . It is sad that his own gun took his life in the struggle to stop him from harming a precious and innocent child . I request privacy for me and my family . I am no hero . The greatest thanks one can give me is my anonymity . Please understand , I will not be granting any interviews or making any appearances . I am an ordinary man and wish to stay that way . Please respect that and allow me my privacy . Humbly yours , Roscoe Calvin Milsap . " Of course , the media didn 't care . The press sent their minions in to try and ferret out who he might be . They carefully and quietly transferred my grandfather to home care . He and I were in the same room with a nurse attendant . And I was happy to be together with him once more even if it meant I slept on a cot . He arrived about the time we started to go swimming . I had put on my swimsuit . It was a nice green suit . My appliance made it look smooth . It was my first time swimming as a girl and I was nervous . It made it easier to be in a private pool . " My Mom isn 't here , and I don 't know if I am wearing this correctly . She usually instructs me on how to behave right as a girl . Speaking of which , your boys need to learn to leave the seat down if there is a girl guest in the house . I don 't think I need to explain why . " She smiled at finding out that she was needed and how she could help . She also giggled at the toilet seat warning . I think she was happy to have a daughter in the house too , even if it was a boy in reality . Mrs . Crawford spent a few minutes showing me how to adjust the suit and make sure it doesn 't crawl up into my bum or reveal too much . I thanked her and grabbed a towel and went out to their pool . The boys came running out and jumped into the pool making all sorts of waves and splashing me in the bargain . Boys ! Duncan had worked hard and cleaned his room , so , I was his girlfriend for the day . He couldn 't wait to tell Roger when he showed up . Roger said , " Samantha , you are Duncan ' girlfriend ? " I came up behind Duncan , being taller , and put my arms around him . I kissed him on the head and said , " Yes , I am his American girlfriend . He is the only Aussie who asked me . I was heartbroken until he came along . I have never had an Aussie boyfriend before . I am very honored that it was Duncan who asked . " I took his hand and kissed Duncan on the cheek and stood between him and the pool . " Wow , you are a lot prettier than my girlfriend and bigger too ! " said Roger . I resisted laughing and just nodded . Mrs . Crawford looked at me and I could tell was having just as much trouble holding her laughter in too . " Not even Trent has a girlfriend yet . So , I am way ahead of my brother . " He said to Roger . I had to quickly jump into the pool and laugh under water so no one would see . I came up and saw Mrs . Crawford was rushing inside for the same reason . The afternoon was fun . I had a good time and , thanks to good sunscreen , I developed a nice tan . The Crawfords wanted me to enjoy a little more of the area , so they left my grandfather at their place to sleep under the care of the nurse and took me to a mall where I could enjoy eating pizza with them and the boys . We had a good time . I was surprised that they ate pizza with a knife and fork . I followed suit although I really wanted to pick it up and eat it with my hands . While looking around the pizza place , I saw a woman with grey hair about the same age as my grandmother sitting with a man about the same age with her . She was thin and had a blue and white horizontal stripped long sleeved shirt on . She wore simple jeans . He was casually dressed too . They were enjoying some quiet time together and I could tell he loved her . I came to the conclusion that they were man and wife . When I saw her get up , I realized that she was frail and sickly . She used a cane and leaned heavily on his arm too as they walked . They headed towards the restrooms . I immediately saw a problem . I got up and went over to him and said , " Do you need someone to take her in to the woman 's room , sir ? " " Oh yes , he is now . Someone hurt him yesterday and he is being taken care of right now by a nurse . It has delayed our returning home a few days while he gets better . " I brought her to an empty stall door . I pushed it further open and helped her in . She said she could take it from there . I told her I would wait . I closed the door , holding it shut , and guarded it . I waited patiently until she was done . I heard the toilet flush . Then she opened the door and I led her to the sink where she washed her hands . I looked up at her and my eyes filled with tears . My lip began to tremble . Her face turned to concern because it was obvious that I didn 't need to say anything . " Honey , were you the girl he was protecting ? Was the bad man trying to kidnap you ? " I nodded yes . She smiled at me and caressed my cheek . " No worries dear . I won 't say anything to anyone . I just wanted you to know that the apple doesn 't fall far from the tree . You are a kind and sweet girl with a heart for others . Now I know why your grandfather wants to keep out of the spot light . I couldn 't understand why until now . He is still protecting you , isn 't he ? " I nodded my head again . She hugged me and I led her out of the rest room . I had tears flowing down my face still when I handed her off to her husband . " Thank you so much sweetie . " the man said . I choked out the words , " Your welcome . It was my pleasure . Thank you for showing me what real love looks like sir and ma ' am . " I waved goodbye . I went back to the table . They asked why I was crying . " Because they love each other so much that even with all their suffering , they think of others . I think they are the most beautiful people I have seen all day . " I blew my nose . A day or so later , after doing laundry and teaching the Crawford boys how to do it too , they snuck Grandpa and I into the airport . We hid in a tiny room off the jet bridge and they got us onto the plane in advance . To disguise the fact that we were Americans , we spoke French the whole way to Melbourne . We arrived at Melbourne and were greeted by Mr . Abernathy who had flown over from Sydney to take care of us personally . We were taken to a home outside of town where we were we could stay for a few days while my Grandpa healed more . " While you are here Samantha , I would like to take you to Sovereign Hill and the zoo . " Said Mr . Abernathy . Mr . Abernathy arranged for a driver and we were taken to Ballarat were we stopped and saw costumed people filing into the front door of this rather plain looking building . We went in and purchased tickets for the day . I was impressed with the displays . The history of the place was amazing . It was an alluvial mining operation and gold rush area . It attracted people from all over the world , including prospectors from California . The displays and the villages were amazing . I talked to people who played the roles of people in the period who told me what it was like back in the 1800s . It was fascinating to meet reenactors who , like myself , were playing a role out of place to what they really were . I found out that if I ever return during the school season , I can dress up as a girl of that period and find out what life was like back then as a student . I then visited the gift shop and bought some souvenirs and books . " Yes sir . That is why it is so important to make every moment count . The more I can help , the more who will be able to live lives free from someone who wants to harm them . I don 't need to go eagle to know that what I am doing is far more important than just wearing a uniform and leading little old ladies across the street . It is doing it when no one is looking . " I thought of the lady I helped the other night . As a Boy Scout , I couldn 't have given her the help she needed . Of course there were tradeoffs , but I knew they were worth it . Upon our return , we were met by Superintendent Stanley . " Samantha , I have a little present for you . " He handed me a little book . It took me a moment ; I saw that it was a passport . An Australian passport . I opened it and it was mine . It was my photo and it said Jackie Samantha Miller . I looked up at him wondering what it was all about . " We want you to come back in June , after school , and spend some time here . Your visit here was too short . And , we owe you a nicer time down under . " We were secreted onto the Quanta 's plane . Because of their pulling strings , we were in first class for the return flight . Our seats were together , but separate . I would have loved to snuggle up against Grandpa , but couldn 't . I liked that we could lay almost completely flat and go to sleep if we wanted . We had an elegant dinner and talked . My Grandpa was still looking out for me even on the flight . He made sure I curled up and went to sleep on time . He once again pulled the blanket over me and told me to sleep well . He called me a princess again . I had my eyes closed when the attendant came over to check on us . " Is there anything we can do for you Mr . Miller ? " I woke up and found out that we had flown by Hawaii and mere hours from Los Angeles and home . I returned my seat to the upright position . My grandfather was sleeping still . The attendant brought me some water . We chatted . My grandfather woke up and began to do the paperwork for our landing . The AFP stamped our American passports , as well as our Canadian passports , so they showed we had been in Australia . We passed through customs and gathered our luggage . Then we headed off to our flight home . We got in around one in the afternoon . Bill greeted us and brought us down to home since both my Mom and Dad had to work . " I have talked to your Mom and Dad . They now know that the reasons things went wrong in Australia was because there wasn 't a guardian ad litem to oversee the sting . They didn 't know that the guardian looks only at your safety during the sting and insures every contingency is taken into account before they are allowed to use you . For example , the parking lot at the toy factory . He would have made sure that you didn 't pass by any vehicles without an escort . So , I think your job is safe , Samantha . " " You and me both , Samantha . " Grandpa hugged me . Just then , Grandma showed up and came in . " It is so good to see you both . My heroes ! " We all hugged . I went upstairs with my luggage and unpacked . I put my new clothes away in the closet and then went to take a much needed shower . I dressed nicely again and came downstairs . Grandpa was resting in the living room chair . He looked up . " Oh honey , you look beautiful . Why the special dress ? " " Tonight is Friday , and I think it would be nice to go see a movie with Mom and Dad . I would like to see Amistad . I know it is rated R , but it is about John Quincy Adams gaining the freedom of men unjustly taken from their land and forced into slavery . I am hoping Mom and Dad get the hint when they come home . " " Robert Correy Miller , you are incorrigible ! " Grandma poked her head in from the kitchen to end the argument . " Of course honey , if you parents can 't take you , we will . I have heard good things about that movie . And I , for one , would enjoy spending time with you . Especially with you looking that pretty . " " Maybe we can all go together ? " I heard Dad 's voice . I turned around and there he was . I ran to him and hugged him as though my life depended on it . " Oh Daddy , I missed you so much ! " I got the warmest hug back . I realized I was his princess too . " Hey , we are the ones who need to hug you , Sis . We really missed you too . " Doug hugged me back . Mom showed up a little later and we all went to dinner and the movies . " Awful . My body says I should be asleep right now . I am going to have a tough time staying awake in class come Monday . " I yawned and stretched . " I understand . So , let me get right to the point since this is a brief meeting . You saw a man die in front of you . I have had clients see that happen in their law enforcement career . It isn 't easy to have seen . There are a whole range of emotions that go with it . So , I have informed the agents that I am taking you off of duty for a month as standard protocol . This is normal . " " Well , the next time you go out , you are going have a knee jerk reaction . What I am going to have them do is rehearsals with you to reacclimatize you to doing stings again . Most officers need a chance to get back into the groove . The axiom of getting back on the horse misses the point . Sometimes you need to get on a gentle horse first to find your feet again sometimes and work back up to that bucking bronco . " " Well , I might feel confused , guilty , vengeful , and curious too for example . You have seen something that few have seen . The last moment of someone 's life . " " No . You had a long goodbye with her . This man was a stranger . Your sole introduction to him was that he was out to attack you . Your brief relationship was short and frightening . " " Please call me Robert . I feel much the same as Samantha . I have seen violence in my career , but this is the first time someone died . However , for me , it was a little different . I have real wounds which gives me a reason to relax and heal . I also had a reason for the violence . I was protecting her from getting hurt . I guess it would be harder for Samantha here who had to witness the whole thing . " " For that brief moment , I was his prey and I felt helpless and vulnerable . I keep seeing that hideous look on his face . He was grinning like he had me and I didn 't stand a chance . I wanted to scream , but I couldn 't because I was too scared . I guess I am mad that I didn 't scream like I thought I would . It was just so unexpected . " " Well , I assume you were in an open field . The problem with being in an open field like that is that it delays your processing of what is happening . However , in your grandfather 's case , since he was on high alert and trained to protect , he reacted quickly . " " Samantha , what I want you to realize that you are empathetic . More than most . Which means that even though he may have deserved to die because of his actions , you will still feel it was unnecessary . That is not bad in and of itself . " " Look , Samantha , it will take time for your mental wounds to heal too . Taking some time to think about what you saw will help you grow and mature . He deserved to die because he made bad choices . He chose to attack you . He chose to carry a gun . He chose to be there . You didn 't chose for him . He was one hundred per cent responsible for his death . You need to see it that way or you will feel guilty for the rest of your life . " " You were there to stop him from getting worse or doing worse . But , you need to heal because you have something he didn 't have . He had no conscience . You do . He didn 't care if he hurt a child . You do care if he did , or else you wouldn 't feel pangs of guilt that he died . " " There is a child present and the words I have are very adult . But , I feel angry too . I didn 't want him to die . I really didn 't know he had a gun . But , now that I do , I think the outcome was as good as it could get . " " Well , the important thing is that you two have each other . Don 't be afraid to go off and talk about what happened with each other . If you feel a bad word come on , just replace it with ' bleep ' or ' bleeping ' or even ' bleeped . ' It sounds like it will do you both good . " After we left , Grandpa said , " I like Erin . She has a good head on her shoulders . I can tell she has worked with law enforcement before . " I played with my girl sized salad and thought for a moment . " I have been learning so much , I really don 't know . In the last few months , I have helped deliver a baby , travelled to Canada , Australia , eastern Tennessee , and Arizona . I have learned how people lived in the mid 1800s this week . I have seen how three different governments handle the law . I have no idea what I will be like when the end of the year comes and I have to move on . I just know that the world seems to be opening up to me . I don 't want to say right now . But , I like the choices in front of me . And they seem to keep expanding too . " " I guess so . Being a girl has taught me so much more about life that I can 't explain . I am not just learning about medicine and the law . I am also learning about people . I am also learning so much more about myself and the people I love . " " I don 't miss being called a sissy or being picked on . That is all ever being a boy meant to me . Even Robert liked picking on me . I never stood up to him before . That is , until I became a girl . " " Oh yes , that is how this whole sting thing began . I gave him a piece of my mind one night and then taught him how to do laundry the next day . It was when his friend Josh tried to use me that all this started . " " Do you think that is why you didn 't cry after I got shot ? " " Samantha , what I have seen in you is a confidence that you didn 't have before . When I last saw you , after your other grandfather died , you were afraid of your own shadow . Frankly , you were a coward . Yet , when you came up to me to take care of my wound , you didn 't run . You faced the problem head on when I got shot . You found something to do and you did it . Sergeant Crawford told me before we flew back that when you got pizza in the mall , you got up and helped a frail lady go to the bathroom without any prompting . Tell me , where does that kind of courage come from ? " " Well , I think being a girl for a while is helping you become less concerned about what people think of you and giving you the freedom to do the right thing . Do you know what a cocoon is from school ? Have they taught you that word yet ? " " Well , I , your Grandma , your Mom , and your Dad all think that is what you are in right now . As a boy , you are in a girl cocoon . And , when the time comes , you will emerge as a butterfly . " I reached down and picked up my silver heart hanging from my necklace . I opened it and showed it to my Grandfather . " Grandpa , do you see the photo in my silver heart ? " " Erin gave me this locket on our second visit . She said much the same thing . That is why I have been wearing it more and more . " I got up and hugged my Grandpa and gave him a kiss . " Thank you Grandpa . " " Viens , mon Papillion ! " ( Come , my butterfly ) I hung on to him as we left the restaurant . I was proud to be his granddaughter . Monday , at lunch , I talked to Mary and Vicki about the birth of Samantha Mary Allen . " Thankfully no , only after I handed her to Mrs . Allen to breast feed her baby did it occur to me . It was magical to see her take her breast and give it to the baby . And then for the baby to take it instinctively . I don 't think I will ever forget that moment . " In my exuberance , I bumped my purse off of the table and everything fell out onto the ground . Vicki and Mary helped me put everything back . As I was putting things back in , I looked at Vicki . She had this strange look . I had forgotten that the purse I took that day was from the trip . She held in her hand a thin book with an airplane ticket inside . She opened it and looked over at me . " My grandfather took me on a quick trip to the land down under . And I have an Australian passport because , well , it is a little complicated to explain . I just have one . " " Oh , some boy named Tommy was asked us at the mall the other day . When he heard that I was a student at Danvers , he asked if I knew you . He was curious to know if you were really Canadian . " " Well , actually , Vicki , I am Canadian . That is how I got an Australian passport during my trip . The two countries are linked by the monarchy of the United Kingdom . " " Not really . I just get around . " Mary and I headed out . Now I know that Tommy Hinks was making inquiries about me . I needed to talk to Bill before he does something stupid and blows my cover . Mr . Thompson pulled Mary and I aside to talk to us during choir . " We are now going to move into competition mode . We have a nice repertoire of songs that we will use again in Nashville in April , but I think we have a secret weapon this year . It is you Jackie . " The look on my face was enough to tell him that I wasn 't on board . " Hear me out Jackie . You have a strong voice . I would like our solo to be you . I know you can pull it off . My sister is always sharing with me songs in French she quite likes . She brought me a song by Florent Pagny called ' Chanter ' that I think we can use . I would like you to listen to it . " He reached over to the CD player and pressed play . We listened to the song . " It is a pop song . I like it . Seems fitting for me because it is saying ' sing always and for every occasion . ' But something tells me it will work if you sing it . It is also a song that can be modified to allow a choir to back you up . And the advantage with you is you feel the words and it comes out as you sing . Listen to it again and you can hear where a choir can back you up . " We listened to the song again . " Sir , before I say yes , can I go ask Mrs . Cox a question about a lyric ? I want to make sure I have the correct interpretation . " I went down the hall into her class . I stood in the back . She was teaching a lesson about the past imperfect tense . She handed the students a sheet of paper and was having them complete sentences . I waited patiently . She came over to me while they were working on their assignments . " No , Jackie , it isn 't . In context , it means someone who has died . The gist is that you never stop singing to keep their memory alive . " " Sure . " He plugged in the headphones and pressed play setting the song to keep looping . I listened a few times to get the lyrics down . I then closed my eyes and began to sing with Florent and each verse started to take on meaning . I sang " Pour bercer un enfant " and the memories of holding Alice , Brian , Carol and being there for the birth of Samantha flooded my soul . I sang ' pour quelqu ' un qui s ' en va , pour ne pas cesser de vivre ' and could feel Cybil 's hand as she left this world . I sang " couvrant les fusillades " and thought of the two shots I heard just a week or so ago that ended a life . Each lyric brought a memory back . I sang my heart out . Tears flowed silently from my eyes . I felt every word cleanse my soul adding more meaning to the verse of the song , " pour oublier ses peines , " which means sing to forget our pains . At the end of the song , I opened my eyes . Mary held me because she could see I was about to collapse from the release of so much sadness and grief . About half the class was in front of me listening to me and the rest were silent where they were with their eyes fixed on me . They were watching me the whole time I was singing I think . They began to applaud . " I didn 't understand a word , Jackie , but , wow ! " said Grace . Dean winked at me and said , " N - nice ! Y - you s - sing so p - pretty . " I hugged him and said thank you . Mr . Thompson smiled at me , " I think you can see now why you are our secret weapon . No one has dared do a solo in a contemporary tune in a foreign language in competition because the words have little meaning to them . It takes real passion to sing like that and lose yourself in the words . You have that passion Jackie . " The week passed by quickly . I called Bill and told him about Tommy Hinks . He said he would take care of it . My classes became more normal and the feeling of being off elsewhere disappeared in the routine of daily activities . My tan slowly faded and no one seemed to notice it anymore . Saturday , my Dad asked me to dress up . He decided to take me to a local hotel for lunch that had a high end restaurant . He wanted to spend time with me alone . As we entered the hotel , we bumped into an old friend of his from school whose daughter was getting married . " Yes , I did . But my little girl grew up and met a boy from here . And well , they just got married . We are having the reception here . My gosh , if I had known you might be in town , I could have sent you an invitation . I am so sorry that we lost touch with each other . What brings you here today ? " " I am having lunch with my youngest daughter . We still live here as a matter of fact . Samantha , this is my long lost friend Alan Carlson . We went to high school together . He was in the grade ahead of me . " " Well , I will leave you to have lunch with your very beautiful and polite daughter . Be sure and poke your head into the reception . I would like to introduce you to the family . I must get your information . My new son - in - law works at the local hospital as a radiologist . So , we are going to be visiting frequently . We would love to see you again . " Dad and I had a pleasant lunch . I had lamb chops with mint sauce and asparagus . The conversation was wonderful . Dad told me about the new bypass they were working on that would allow quicker access to the Interstate into downtown . He discussed all the politics he was having to put up with which had me laughing and giggling . I talked about my being Duncan 's girlfriend and driving Roger nuts . Then I recounted the things I learn at Sovereign Hill . I mentioned the solo Mr . Thompson wanted me to do for the competition . Dad was impressed . Afterwards , we went by the reception to say hello to Mr . Carlson . The room was filled with wedding guests . I figure that there were about two - hundred and fifty people there . The bride and groom were at their table . We went to the table for the bride 's parents . " Good to see you again , Oscar . Have you done your father daughter dance yet , Alan ? " " In about three songs or so . Why ? " Dad leaned over and whispered something in his ear . Mr . Carlson smiled and said , " I will be right back . " " Oh , I asked him to return a favor . I found a way for him to go to the prom years ago with the girl of his dreams at the moment and he is going to repay the favor . By the way , he married that girl sweetheart . " I looked at my Dad and wondered what he was up to now . He seemed very giddy to me . I looked at Dad with a questioning look . His answer took me by surprise . " Honey , did I tell you that after the father - daughter dance I went to your Mom 's friend Denise and had her teach me how to waltz during my lunch breaks . I have been studying for almost a month it seems . I didn 't want to disappoint you again if the chance ever came up again . I was thinking maybe Valentine 's Day . But , I think this will do . " " No Dad . Honestly , you didn 't disappoint me . " I looked up at him and he smiled . I knew he didn 't believe me . " Yes , I did . But not this time . " He took my hand and led me to the dance floor to join everyone else . The last song stopped and he took his position with me in a classic waltz pose . I put my hands around him as best as I could with his being so much taller than I and assumed a classic waltz pose too . The DJ announced a waltz and the music started . It was the Blue Danube . My Dad began to lead me in a waltz step . One , two , three . One , two , three . I found myself flowing around the room in his arms . He looked down at me and beamed at one point almost causing a misstep . I heard him say , " Well , your Mom says that if I am going to ask you to be a girl , I should treat you like one . " We lost ourselves in the music . My Dad had greatly improved and it showed . I felt my skirt move and sway to the music as we danced to the luscious music of Strauss . He twirled me around and promenaded me like a pro this time . The music was slow enough for us to get used to each other 's movements and adapt . Soon we were all over the dance floor . We were getting better and letting lose . I looked up into his eyes and they were twinkling with delight . I think he was getting the hang of being a Dad with his daughter . He was loving me as only a Dad can . It was a softer side to him that I was seeing . As the song came to a conclusion , he released me and I twirled to a stop almost in front of the table of the Carlson 's . I deep curtseyed to Dad and he bowed to me . Mr . Carlson applauded . He then took my hand and led me off the dance floor . " Well , I have to follow that with my poor dancing . Paul , you didn 't tell me your dancing would make me look bad . But , it was beautiful watching you two , so I forgive you . And thank you for letting me do that for you Paul . You are going to make a graceful and beautiful bride one day Samantha . And I know you will break your Dad 's heart just like my Andrea did mine tonight . So you be gentle . " I smiled and blushed . I felt like a million bucks and very happy . " Thank you Daddy . You certainly know how to treat your little girl right . " I felt his precious hug in response . [ author 's note : As I write , I often play songs on Youtube that speak of each character . Samantha 's video is very particular . It is an eleven - year - old girl that won a Kid 's Voice competition . She matches closely how I imagined Samantha when I first starting writing her character . I based Sam in the beginning on the looks of a boy I knew in high school who could have , if he wanted to , passed for a girl . When I saw this video , I realized that she was his doppelganger after a fashion . Here is the video . https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = cODUw5uH7cY - AuP ] If you liked this post , you can leave a comment and / or a kudos ! Click the Thumbs Up ! button below to leave the author a kudos : up89 users have voted . And please , remember to comment , too ! Thanks . This story is 12926 words long . Printer - friendly versionLog in or register to post comments I 'm saddened that she had to watch someone that she loves get badly hurt , and someone die violently . It 's never something you 'd ever want a child to see , ever . You handled it very well , I love how they all pulled together to protect Samantha , that was awesome to see , and wow that is one loved little girl ! The scenes with the father daughter dance totally tickled me I watched my cousin do that with her dad , and it is truly an amazing thing so I totally loved it = ] You never cease to amaze or impress me with your writing - - in both it 's content and style . I do urge you , however , to please tread lightly where Samantha is concerned . Here are my reasons why I am concerned : and if that isn 't enough , she has recently watched both her grandfather get shot and a complete stranger die before her very eyes . Not to mention the fact she was assaulted and almost kidnapped , or that she is transgendered and wishes , secretly , to transition . Or that she is on feminizing hormones . Any one of these events could trigger PTSD , and its effects can be quite devastating . Samantha has , in the past few months , had so many stress - inducing incidents thrust upon her that it 's a wonder she can function at all . Eventually , even with the BEST of care , she WILL succumb to it all . Although she has a strong and loving support system in place , and is actively involved in counseling , you MUST prepare for the contingency when all Hell breaks loose . I know you will be up to the task when that occurs , but until it does , be careful . Readers may begin to balk ( and quit reading ) if the incongruity of the reality you 're trying to create and the reality they face on a daily basis differs too greatly . Please bear that in mind , as it caused me great difficulty on a site I frequented prior to coming aboard BC . By the time I realized what had happened , I had lost the majorities of my readers . I was unable to recover , and ended up leaving the site , pulling my stories down in the process . I understand . Erin has already taken her off of duty and has alluded to the condition of PTSD without calling it PTSD . The very issues you brought up , with the exception of one - - hormones , have been brought up by her in a group session . But notice Erin pushes Grandpa too . Is she seeing something positive for Samantha ? So , in the words of River Song , ' Spoilers . ' ; - ) Sorry , my bad . I was realigning the temperatures last night right before publishing and was originally going to type thirty - eight degrees and found myself typing the answer to the ultimate question . I blame Zaphoid . Adelaide is a hot place in summer . Poor blokes hit Forty - Nine degrees in the shade this summer . And during the winter , I can attest to the fact that it can get really bitter cold . But , it is a beautiful place . Je te fais la bise , In a wonderful story . A couple of errors ( in addition to the insignificant spelling ones ) : Forty two C is 107 . 6F , not 100F . Koloa is actually Koala ( bear ) . Please spell ' neckless ' as ' necklace ' ( a couple of them ) . Shelia is Sheila and the Blue Danube was composed by Strauss , not Straus . Corrections are being made . Sometimes , if I am thinking in French , I will begin to spell in French without thinking . And Koala kept throwing my spell checker as did Sheila .
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In the late winter of 1985 , John Rogan had been a surgeon for almost forty years , and though still active and vital , a tall , erect , white - haired man , with a reputation for audacity matched by success , he was thinking of retiring . His older brother , also a surgeon , had apparently committed suicide the year before . He had fallen or jumped from the turret of a castle he was visiting in Ireland , and Rogan , who had always pursued life as though sighting a rifle , suddenly found he was losing his aim . It seemed possible that if his brother could destroy himself , then suicide might overtake Rogan as well . He struggled with this thought and concealed it . Now he was on his morning rounds , and Nina Hendersen passing in the hall caught sight of him and on an impulse stopped him , placing herself in front of him , blocking his way . She had heard other women talk about him and liked his looks but didn 't know what she wanted with him . She was plain , and not long ago Rogan wouldn 't have given her much of a glance but now he did . She was young - looking to be near forty . The tag on her smock said she was a physical therapist . She gazed up with an odd look of determination and then , remembering herself , smiled . Excuse me . I need some advice , she began in a small voice and then gathered strength and went on in an exacting way as though making a diagnosis . I have a patient with an injury to the adductor longus . It separated from the pubis in a skiing accident . She wants to know when she can have sex again . The words spilled almost without Nina 's awareness . She scanned Rogan 's face , thinking he looked like Paul Newman . He had the same blue eyes . But then it seemed Nina 's nerve failed . She blushed deeply , saying she would give the patient his advice , and then hurried off , her thick braid flicking at her waist , putting Rogan in mind of a girl he had once known who spent all her time riding horses , a small , angular , and oddly attractive girl who had little to say , at least to him . He watched her to the end of the hall . At the last instant she looked back in panic - she didn 't believe what she 'd said - and turned the corner and was gone . He smiled wryly and dismissed the event , yet at odd moments found himself thinking about her . The braid looked as thick as a man 's wrist . She had been vaguely waiting for him to call again from wherever he was , and now when she was startled by the familiar sounds of his movements - the cautious turning of the key in the lock and the surreptitious whisk of his door across the carpeting - as he came in through his office instead of the family entrance , she knew he had been with another woman this trip and could already see the dishonest grin that would greet her . She felt exhausted , her anger banked down to hatred . If she didn 't act glad to see him , he would frown and go back in his office until Eric and Ian came home from school and he could avoid her by paying attention to them . If she confronted him , they would argue . But she knew what was true without asking . It was a year since they last made love . She wouldn 't lower herself to accuse him . Yet a silent , unthinking part of her wanted to believe he was faithful . That night , after the children were in bed , Nina sat at the vanity and carefully unbraided and brushed her hair . It made static and sparks . When she was a girl , adults at parties often gathered around her and took turns touching her hair , holding her braid and exclaiming over its softness and weight . Hendersen , lying in bed , watched her over the top of his book . He loved her hair , and the sight of her brushing it , her arms raised so that her nightgown pulled against her chest and ribs , aroused him . Her eyes caught his in the mirror , and he glanced away . Soon , she came to bed , and they lay side by side , he with his book and she with hers . He was a former football player and lay under the blanket like an escarpment under snow . After a time , he closed his book and turned toward her . It 's not what you think . I 've haven 't been cheating on you , he said firmly . I 've just been going to see Polly for the past few months - whenever I travel , that 's all . I stop off and spend an afternoon or two with her . I didn 't mention it because I knew it would upset you . Polly was their teenage daughter institutionalized with severe cerebral palsy . They seldom talked about her , and it seemed to Nina that he was using Polly as an excuse . Why would you start going to see her again all of a sudden ? Her frustration with him was becoming unbearable to her . She marked her place in her book and put it on her chest , folding her hands on it . What do you do there ? What could you possibly be doing there for days at a time . I just visit . Hendersen lifted a hand , and his fingers made a small gesture caressing the air . I hold her . I talk to her . Sometimes I take her outside in a wheelchair and put her on a blanket in the leaves . She 's getting better . Yes , you do . You just don 't remember . Anyway , the doctors have told us over and over : there 's no way to reach her . How do we know that ? Hendersen sat up , dragging all the covers with him . If she 's aware , then everything we do reaches her , and if she 's only a little aware then something reaches her , and even if she can 't respond , what difference does that make ? It 's not about her recognizing us , it 's about us recognizing her . I don 't believe this , Nina said tensely . Give me back the covers . I thought we 'd been over this all a long time ago . I thought we agreed . You have no idea how cruel it is to bring it all up again . Nina was seething . You have no idea - none ! - what it 's like to be the mother . His weight shifted toward her . Listen to me . Will you just listen to me . You don 't have to do anything , just listen . He reached for the book on her chest . May I put this away ? She shook her head . I 'm going to read some more . He lay down and closed his eyes but it was hard to keep silent . He needed to talk it out . He wanted to know what Nina really thought . Unanswerable questions percolated in him . Was there a meaning to Polly 's life ? If she was given life , wasn 't she also given love ? But if she couldn 't express love , what happened to it ? What was love ? What was their love ? His thoughts circulated until at last he said , You know , I get lonely . Later , she lay awake , and a troubling memory came to her . She saw the unborn child , like a small beautiful darkling god , folded upside down waiting to be delivered . But afterward , the infant , whose injury showed in small indentations of forceps on the sides of her skull , seemed like a punishment for the unwed pregnancy , an atonement she was meant to embrace but could not . It was too ugly , and now it seemed to her she never would have married Johnny Hendersen if she hadn 't been pregnant . People said he was nice , but if you listened to him , if you let his words in , they were cold and confusing , coiling around your heart to trick you into admitting something when there was nothing to admit . There was a name for his trick , but what was it ? She tried to think until her mind grew weary and blank , and then as she was falling asleep it came to her that the word she wanted was deceit , and she drifted off with the satisfaction of at least having named the thing . The next morning , he was up early and out of the house , and Nina , feeling alone and defiant , picked up the phone and called John Rogan 's office . She invented an ailment and dropped the name of a well - known internist that would get her in sooner . An appointment was made for the next day . Nina felt herself expanding , pressing outward , filling space so there was no separation between herself and the things around her . She had a mad desire to tell someone , to shout , to break things . The inside of her face felt tight and unfamiliar . She thought the difference must show . But in the mirror in her closet she looked the same . It was like being two people at once . She parted her robe and drew a line down along her breastbone , over her abdomen , and smoothed her hand onto her pubis . She struck a pose , raising one foot on its toes . Her stomach was flat . She didn 't look like she 'd had children . There were no stretch marks . She slid the robe off and leaned her forehead against the glass , imagining the other person was him . When she arrived , a small woman , looking hurried and flushed , and dressed in an odd , plain brown dress as clumsy as a monk 's robe , Rogan greeted her with a slight smile . His memory of her didn 't quite coincide with the reality . When she was seated , they grew silent until at last he said , What brings you ? The color rose vividly in Nina 's face . She had imagined he would make everything easy . I 'm worried about arrhythmia , she said . It runs in my family . Her chin strained upward in defended pride , revealing strong chords and vessels in her neck . She looked quite healthy . My heart makes a noise in my ears , sometimes fast , sometimes slow , like the wings of a bug trapped inside my ear . I have pains in my chest . She made a face as if none of it mattered . Rogan thumbed up the corner of Nina 's folder and let it drop . It was empty except for the pink sheet she had filled out in the waiting room . I suppose , he said , we could order some tests . That hasn 't been done yet . He made an upward turning motion of his hand . Rogan leaned back , pressing his fingertips together , and gazed at her . I 'm a general surgeon , not a cardiologist , assuming that 's what you need ? His eyebrow twitched up in query . Rogan wasn 't sure why he was reluctant . The situation seemed clear , and in the past he wouldn 't have hesitated . He swiveled his chair and stood up . Her eyes followed him , and she moved to rise , her hands closing like bird beaks on the flat gray purse sliding from her lap . Rogan cleared his throat . I 'll go out while you undress . When you 're ready , have a seat on the table . He gestured toward it and smiled musingly . But I guess you know the drill since you have patients of your own . He was surprised to find himself alone . He went out into the hall , toward the men 's room , his heart quickening , which amused him because it would seem that at sixty - one - but I 'm young enough , he thought - and as many times as he had done what he was about to do - I 'm going to , aren 't I . . . yes , I think I am - he should not be particularly nervous , yet there it was , a quickening that would scare the wits out of a heart patient . He paused to take a drink from the water fountain . The arc of water crossed his lips and swirled into the silvery bowl . Could he trust her ? Rogan nodded . So everyone thought he was flagging . His brother had once told him that being a surgeon was simply an extreme form of life . You oppose death , and you have to be strong . It was a question of will , and ego . As he stepped into the men 's room , he glanced at his watch . He had an hour and a half free . Perhaps she had figured out his routine and planned her visit to fall before the lunch hour . Perhaps she believed she had thought it all out and understood everything . Or , perhaps she was acting impulsively . In any case , she was bold . But later , if she went home and realized she was more than ever alone , she would be inclined to come back . He would have to be clear with her , so they 'd make no mistake . Glancing in the mirror , straightening a strand of his hair , he thought of his nurse . She had been with him twenty years . Longer than most marriages , and like a married couple , they had grown alike . Their separate lovers came and went , and they remained each other 's longest companion . She had an aunt in Iowa and went once a year to visit . When the aunt died , she would have an inheritance . If anything happened to him , she could retire if she wanted or go to work for someone else . But what could happen ? Meanwhile , Nina was seated on the examining table in the bay window . The furniture in the room was heavy wood , which recalled childhood visits to the doctor . She liked going because there was comfort in being told you were well , or in having an illness named and being told what to do . She recalled how good it was to be young and strong and growing , and suddenly that sensation went cold . She put her hand on her chest and rubbed the cloth of the dressing gown . Her hand fell to her lap and she gazed down . The top of her head seemed round and small . He worried he had misjudged her . Is it your heart ? Is it hurting you now ? Nina glanced up , and her expression was impatient . It seemed to her he should already know what was going on . Her body ached . She wanted to stretch . He saw it was up to him and cleared his throat . Usually I 'd have my nurse in , but it 's her lunch hour , and since you 're in the profession , too - He made a dismissive gesture with his hand - I thought we could get along without her . It 's a risk we can take , don 't you think ? He put the ear pieces into his ears , and for a moment he and Nina watched each other . He saw the hooded anger in her eyes and knew she was scared . Why don 't you turn around , he said . He opened the vent in the back of her gown and auscultated her . His left hand rested on her shoulder , his thumb at the nape of her neck . Her braid was in the way and she reached over her shoulder to free it , and their hands touched , sending a hollow sensation into her knees . She slipped her arms from the sleeves of the gown and let it fall to her waist . She was muscular , the collarbones curving cleanly into angular shoulders , the sternum like a deep thumbprint between shallow breasts , the ribs and abdomen well defined . She turned her face away , a tense smile on her lips . She saw white hair sprouting in his ear and the shaven slickness of his cheek and the starched texture of his white smock , the weave of the cotton minutely clear . She felt dizzy . She wished he would say something . He listened to the few small ounces of blood moving from auricle to ventricle . Your heart is normal , he said , though I think you 're nervous about being here . His hand tightened on her shoulder . Would you like to listen to your heart ? She made a reflexive noise in the back of her throat , half yes and half no , raising an arm to cover herself . He placed the head of the stethoscope in her hand and moved it to her heart . Her eyes trembled with a sudden tenderness . He put the ear pieces in her ears and turned and walked a little away to give her a moment 's privacy . Perhaps she would change her mind , perhaps not . If life was blocked , wouldn 't the heart rebel ? Wouldn 't it ache ? What she wanted - His back was turned . He would face her in a moment and she knew she would have to be ready - to lie down with him ? - was something she had always believed was wrong . But there was already so much wrong that the old rules no longer held , and something new had to be found . The colliding beats of her heart grew sharp . She pulled the ear pieces from her ears . The surgeon came to her and took hold of the stethoscope , which Nina started to let go of and then held onto , her hands folding in , his hand on the ear piece moving toward her so that neither of them knew how it happened - did she mean to ? did he ? The back of his hand rested against her breast . His thumb moved across it and paused . They watched the stillness of their hands . You have a husband , he said . She pushed herself against him , putting an arm over his shoulder . The paper on the examining table crinkled . Her mouth bumped his and her tongue darted against his teeth . His hands were on her hips . You 're determined , he said . But you ought - Stop it , she said . She pulled the gown from around her waist . Take off your clothes . I want to see you . She tugged the ends of his bow tie loose . He folded his clothes over the back of his chair . She waited , crossing her arms , watching his freckled backside . And then he turned , and she saw he was attractive after all , lean and whitehaired . He took her hand and they lay on the carpet . As he kissed her , he toyed with the end of her braid , brushing it against her cheek . His fingers tugged the red elastic band . Let me undo it , he said . Her expression went unconsciously wry with the comedy of sex , and lying there propped on her side , one leg drawn up , she seemed at once deliberate and innocent . Rogan reflected that people who didn 't know any better thought seduction was romantic but it was usually complex , involving endless strategies . You 're beautiful , he said , like a girl standing up on horseback in a circus . Nina saw herself and was amazed . For a time , it seemed the pair might exhaust themselves before they reached the end . She watched sidelong , with slit eyes , her head turning in small rhythmic circles , Rogan raised on his fists , as if pushing up . He varied his tactic and began touching her , and his touches reached her like urgings in a dream . He was a stranger . What they were doing could not be undone . They would do it again and again . Nina came suddenly , dully ; and Rogan , a while after . As it rippled away , she saw her apartment , the rooms sunlit and still , the floors tilted yet everything in place . She thought of going there , and the distance seemed too great , her will insufficient to carry her . Nothing . My mind was wandering . She gave him a little push to get off her , and he rose and went to the sink and brought a small white towel . It occurred to him that she was unstable and might make a scene . He wanted to end things gracefully but would end them abruptly if he had to . He offered a hand to help her up . She made a show of ignoring him , stretching her arms over her head , and then got up on her own . She did a little dance step . She was amused because she was supposed to be uncertain what was next , yet she knew . All she had to do was whatever she wanted . She went to the window and lifted an edge of the shade and peered out . Cars were parked bumper to bumper . The metal gleamed . I have a child , she said . He saw that he had trapped himself . If he refused her she would hate him . For both of them , it was a question of getting from one moment to the next . She came to him with the soft impact of a small , dense body jostling a large , light one . He steadied himself against her . She took him into her hand and circled his waist caressingly . They lowered themselves to the floor , Rogan wondering if he could manage a second time . He moved to her , and at the last instant she held him off , a hand on his pelvis , and stared into his eyes . They were deep blue , the pupils narrowed to points of lust in which she felt her power . His hips trembled , her hand sliding off . They joined , and some of her heaviness of soul went over into the emptiness of his . Then , they were nothing more than the act itself . She saw the blank ceiling and thought of Johnny who wouldn 't love her , Johnny who did this with others . She held onto the surgeon and lifted her hips , and when they came - Rogan , in big round pulses , and Nina , in sharp high beats that opened and closed around him - she wanted to say I love you . She felt her heart going out to him and held it back . When she was gone , Rogan tidied up and glanced at his date book . He had one more patient to see , a call to make to his broker , and then a tennis match at his club . Afterward , he would go home to dinner . He would turn in early and read from a journal . His habits defined him . He leaned back in his chair and thought about the past , about other women , what they 'd said and done , but it was an odd thing about sex that before long it left no memory of the feeling itself . Each new episode replaced the last , or , no , Rogan thought , it 's something else . Each episode was replaced by desire , so that what he remembered was desire rather than love itself . And it came to Rogan that in a life of desire all that might be left to desire was death . He turned back a page of his date book and then another , as if looking for something . In the hall outside her apartment , Nina heard laughter . She pushed open the door and saw Johnny and the children and the new au pair lying in a circle on the floor with their heads in each other 's laps . When they saw Nina , they stopped laughing , and the room seemed sharply divided . Each of them saw it . Her eyes met Hendersen 's with a look of triumph . His face was red from laughing . It 's a game , he said and began struggling to his feet . That night , Hendersen read a goodnight story to Eric and Ian . Tucking them in , he kissed each boy 's forehead just below the hairline and inhaled their simple smell , which was dizzying in its reminder of how easily happiness was lost , and as if sensing his father 's worry , Ian , the younger child , put his arms around his father 's neck and wouldn 't let go . Hendersen took the boy into his arms and silently hugged him , their two hearts - Hendersen 's big , middle - aged heart bumping with cares and the boy 's small , light one - beating together until father and son were contained in each other , and Ian let go of his father 's neck and , placing his small hands on Hendersen 's cheeks , said , I see where it hurts . The older boy , Eric , lay watching them from his bed . I 'm trying to sleep , he complained . Above the lip of the blanket his eyes were full of suspicion and seemed to take in everything for an accounting to be made in the future . Nina was in her chair reading , her feet under her , the lamp sending a pool of warm light onto the crown of her head and over her , as though she were in a world of her own . It was a sight that made Hendersen veer . He scarcely knew he was afraid of her , but paced quietly around the room , trying to compose his mind , hesitating to speak . He stopped at the stereo and turned on a jazz station . Hendersen lowered the volume and went partway to her . I 've been thinking , he said , and maybe it 's true : I 've been trying to hurt you . He gave a small , sad laugh , and Nina looked up alertly . I think I 'm angry , he said , that I have to go see Polly alone and that you can 't really talk to me about her . He knew he was on thin ice and hurried on . But that 's no excuse . I owe you an apology . I should have let you know where I was and what I was doing instead of leaving you to wonder . Or , I should have kept it to myself and handled it in a way that wouldn 't have mistreated you . I don 't know , maybe I wanted you to think I was staying away to see someone else but I didn 't think that . I just thought I was saving you from worry . I 'm sorry , he said . I don 't want to act with resentment . He stood there looking uncertain and her heart wavered . She thought he would say something more to make up for her misery , but nothing came . Instead , he held his arms open and made a little motion of his hands for her to come to him . It was too clever . She couldn 't trust him . You only want to feel better about yourself , she said . The conversation continued and they were like two sides of a sharply pitched roof , though neither of them quite saw it . Each counted on the tension provided by the other . Between them were twenty years of marriage , the bonds of familiarity , the hopes and promises begun in youth . It passed through them like nostalgia : if they separated , their life so far would be wasted . They sensed it for the first time and fell silent . The piece playing on the radio was ending . Nina listened . A trumpet cried and faded , the string bass flurried and descended , disappearing , while the piano sent footsteps strolling , someone not ready to go home , rain beginning lightly to fall , and a car passing on the wet street , the last bright notes sounding like dawn and the promise of sleep while others wake . Nina wished for a different life than her own , a life of freedom and choices and exciting people and love . She didn 't owe Johnny anything . She was sick of feeling an obligation . She thought of Rogan and then of Ian 's swimming teacher at the Y and how his genitals pressed against his tank suit when he got out of the pool . Hendersen sat in his office and stared at mail and papers stacked on his desk . He thought miserably of forgiveness and how it was a simple matter of yielding to one 's better nature , but it was impossible to forgive someone who wouldn 't forgive herself , and equally impossible to live with her if she wouldn 't forgive him . He thought of how he had taken care of Nina after Polly 's birth , how he had made it all right for Nina to stop seeing the child , but now it seemed that all he 'd done was help her hide a pain that was worse for being hidden . There was no relief , and the interior of life was closed to them . He reflected that this misfortune was what their sons would learn from them , and he thought of taking Eric and Ian and raising them on his own . It seemed to him that he could manage it , but as soon as he thought it , the idea of taking the boys from her seemed cruel and impractical . She would never let go . They were what protected her from the fear of being a bad mother , having rejected one child . It occurred to him then that he had everything backward : She was punishing herself but somehow she had tricked him , or he had tricked himself , into acting like the one who was punishing her . No matter what he did it would never be good enough . Anger rose in him and quickly grew stale . He reflected that he was responsible for his part in their affairs . But why he had taken on such a role mystified him . It was extremely disheartening , and Hendersen , who was a romantic , sat for a while longer , sentimentally recalling the past and resisting an ultimate conclusion . Finally , he took himself to bed . Nina was curled under the covers in a fetal posture of sleep , her hair spilled on the pillow . He lay beside her , afraid to disturb her but ached with a longing for which he had no name - his own need to be taken care of and loved . He took a thick strand of her hair in his fingers and rubbed it , as if it were all of her , and all of him . In the morning , she looked so peaceful and rosy he wanted to let her sleep . He got the boys off to school and was eating toast and reading the paper when she came in the kitchen barefoot , wearing a robe . He noticed the slimness of her ankles and calves and the straightness of her back . She moved silently around him fixing herself some tea . She poured water from the kettle and somehow it slipped and fell , splashing water on her feet . She cried out , and Hendersen jumped up and gripped her shoulders , thinking to help . She wrenched from his grasp and rushed to the bathroom and ran cold water in the tub . She sat on the edge , thinking he was an idiot who could never make her happy . He appeared in the door with an anxious look and an ice tray which he cracked methodically into the tub , and then he stood there waiting . She breathed as if sobbing . Please , he said , what is it ? They stayed like that until Nina calmed down and sat up and cut off the tap . Hendersen stepped away . Cramps ? he said . There was a noise in the hall , and they looked up to see the au pair . It was as if they had been caught in a guilty act . Hendersen made an open gesture of his hand . Everything all right ? Nina stood up and Hendersen reached for a towel . He had an impulse to bend down and dry her feet . The idea frightened him . He had no idea where it might lead . What exactly are you worried about ? She took the towel and began to dry her feet . They were red and bony , and it occurred to Hendersen that he hadn 't done anything wrong and there was no reason to keep standing there . In his mind , he began packing to leave town the next day . Nina 's heart was racing all the time . It was bursting out of her chest and to keep up she had to move fast . She discovered that certain kinds of shy and deceptively quiet men were drawn to her without her doing anything in particular to attract them . They liked her and that was all . Yes , he said . I miss the girl but now I see the woman . It was exactly the kind of thing Nina wanted to hear but from him suddenly felt too personal . He looked older than before , slightly stooped . She couldn 't imagine him touching her . There was an awkward pause and Nina said she had to go . A moment later , Rogan found himself looking back over his shoulder , thinking she had called his name - John . He was sure he heard her , but there was no one there except a group of teenage boys crossing the street , and one of them , a tall , skinny fellow , trailing behind on a skateboard , pushing it with hard kicks , hurrying to catch up with his friends . The first rush of evening traffic was coming up the avenue , and the cars seemed to bear down on the boy with irresistible intent . Rogan wanted to tell him not to be careless , not to be fooled into thinking life would keep pouring onto him like a gift . The boy skated safely out of the street , and the cars rushed by creating a hot wind .
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No matter where I am in the world , or what language they may be speaking , I always know I can feel peace and joy at church . My first Sunday here , I felt so at home when I spotted this sign . And I can 't even begin to describe how much I 've enjoyed attending every week . The members here are few , but they are strong , and welcoming and loving . I felt like one of them after only hours together . They are perfect examples of loving with Christ - like love . Before coming to France I knew my village was about 40k ( 25 miles ) from Nimes , where I would go to church , but I didn 't think it would be a big deal to take public transportation that far . Little did I know that public transportation is almost non - existant on the weekends during the summer in southern France . The buses don 't run in the summer , and the train is pricey . It 's about 10 euros each way to Nimes , which would be about $ 22 a week , round trip ! Luckily there is one member who lives in my village as well . He 's an older man named Bruno . And this is his sweet ride . Sometimes I wonder if it will be 1985 when we arrive . Bruno is not talkative , and that added to the combo of me not yet being proficient in French led to some pretty quiet car rides , especially at first . I would ask questions , and get one word answers , until I just became comfortable with a mostly silent ride . He expressed himself in other ways . Sometimes he would take back roads so he could show me a nearby medieval village , or the fields of sunflowers . And he proudly tells everyone that he is my chauffeur , and that I have a cadillac on order . Today when I got in the car he told me there was something for me in the glove compartment . I opened it to find this photo . He 's snapped it the week before and printed it out for me . So sweet . Below is a pool party / BBQ our ward ( congregation ) had a few weeks ago . Some of my closest friends are Nicole ( middle , just to the right of me ) , Monique ( on Nicole 's right ) , Josyanne ( green shirt to the left of the African woman ) , Claudette ( black and white shirt behind the AfrThat 's Nicole on the far left . She was so excited the day we met , and said she didn 't know she had an American name ! She and her friend Betty took me around old town Nimes one Sunday after church . They were so much fun ! They told me their life stories , and gave me dating advice . This was a Relief Society ( women 's group ) activity in Montpellier . Aline , me , Isabelle , Darcie , Nicole , and Claudette . Aline invited me to stay the night with them that night so I wouldn 't have to make the trek to Nimes twice in one weekend . It was the greatest night because they had a neighbor party , and their closest neighbors all came over for dinner . It was when I 'd first gotten here , so I was still struggling to understand everything , but I loved it ! And this was today , on my last Sunday . I was so sad to have to say goodbye to everyone . My earlier blog about not being seen by most people upon meeting , does not apply at all to my church friends . They see everyone . I snapped this photo because these sisters had put together a little goodbye party for me after church . It was so sweet ! ' Till we meet again , sisters ! Posted by Volunteering has been one of the best things I got to do here . I really love the people I work with , and this was where I got a glimpse into French life . Here are some of the crew ( Lauren , Malika , Babette , Mireille , Noira , Vincent , Jackie , and me ) . Mireille , the director is in the center in the beige dress . Jackie , the one next to me , has my same last name ! Well , at least it was the same in the 1500 's ( Carriere ) . They ask where I 'm from , and when I say California , I am given celebrity status . Especially when I say I live near SF . They usually mention that they know it through some TV series . Then the conversation continues amongst the friends , and the once incredibly cool Californian is quickly forgotten as normal life resumes . I don 't mind . In fact , I loved it when I first got here because I could be an invisible observer . But it didn 't take long to realize I didn 't have any French friends . The people at Secours Populaire ( where I volunteer ) are very nice , but even after a few weeks working there , I still felt like an outsider . They all chat up a storm while we 're working , and I didn 't join in much because the language was so fast , and a lot of times they would talk about events I hadn 't been part of , or people I didn 't know . Now that I 've been there a little over a month , things are mostly different , and most times I 'm right in on the conversation . I 'm still not one of them , but I am able to laugh and joke and have fun and feel normal . I feel like I belong , and I love it . But there was one person who saw me from the start , during the stages when I was still invisible to everyone else . Meet Simone . She is 87 years old . She 's from the Paris region , and moved here about 10 years ago with her husband . He has since passed away , and in order to keep from being lonely , she volunteers at SP three mornings per week . She was an accountant by profession , and loves numbers , so she works as the cashier in our store . From the first time I was asked to help her , she saw me . She never acted like things were any different between me and anyone else despite my less than fluid language skills . I would help her out at the front desk , just to make sure she didn 't get confused or forget things . When we didn 't have any customers , she would just talk with me , and ask me questions , and feed me the words I struggled with . She 's a wealth of knowledge for the things she 's passionate about : energies and astrology , and such . She taught me how to test the foods we were selling to see if they have good or bad energies for the body . She showed me where to stand , and where not to stand to receive the most good energy from the earth . She taught me not to cross my arms while I 'm standing , and shared with me the little wooden pendulum her husband made . I 'm not about to get out and get my own pendulum , but I ate it up . I loved that she was sharing what she loved with me , and that she saw me . During the past weeks , we 've met up a few times on the park benches in the city center after volunteering . I head there to eat my lunch before going to the library , and when I 'm about finished she arrives and sits and rests on her walk home . We chat . It often is very similar to the previous conversations because she forgets she 's already asked me what I 'm researching in the library , or how long I 'll be here . But I don 't mind . It helps me say it better the second time . And without fail , somewhere during the conversation , she takes my hand and looks me in the eye , and says " We can look each other in the eye . I 'm so glad we met . " We had to say goodbye today . My last day is Monday , and she won 't be there . I am so glad we met , Nicole Carrier The first minute of this song plays in my head just about every morning on my way to " work . " I literally had a woman pop her head out of her window while opening her shutters , exactly like this . And it 's not just the baker , but everyone walks around with their morning baguette . On bikes , in a purse , under an arm with the morning paper . I often see the same people in the same spot on my little route . Yesterday I ran into the man who gives me a ride to church on Sundays . I think he 'd been yelling my name for quite some time , but it took me a minute to recognize " Carrier " in French ! It 's so small , I 've run into people I know a few times ! Here are some more pics of my quiet village . I wish I 'd discovered the view from this park during my first month while it was green . But it 's still beautiful . Every day I walk from home , which is a little higher than this hill , all the way to the far edge of downtown . It takes about 35 minutes , and I really enjoy it . The mediatheque . Apparently since they have a lot more than books , they don 't call it a biblioteque . I work here a lot in the afternoons , especially on hot days since it has air conditioning ! Posted by Today Matthias and some friends from Nimes had a scuba diving class just outside Montpellier , so we all piled in the car and tagged along for some beach time . That was twice in one week for me ! ( I went on Thursday with my friends from the Secours Populaire , where I volunteer ) . The ocean of course was great , although it was really windy , which made spending time on the sand pretty miserable . I had fun swimming and taking pictures of the baby , but we only stayed a couple hours . The highlight of the day was actually a potluck BBQ they had at the dive school after their dive . I kept telling Holly that this is what I came to France for ! It was so fun to be a part of their culture . I feel that people think barbecuing is a truly American experience , but we 've got nothing on them . I loved that something as informal as a BBQ is still a reflection of French eating . They started off by setting out drinks and aperitifs . The drinks were mostly wine and other alcoholic drinks , but they also had orange juice , water and syro , which is a concentrated fruit / sugar syrup that you add to water . I actually like some of the fruitier ones with the sparkling mineral water , but I put so little in that it 's similar to drinking water with lemon or essential oils . The aperitifs were just chips and nuts . They brought out salads next , and then the meat started coming of the grill . That 's when the volume suddenly doubled . Oh , and I must mention that for some reason there wasn 't any bread at the start of the meal , and you would have thought we 'd forgotten the grill or something . There was a lot of panicking . But someone went and bought two bags of fresh baguettes , and all was well . There were a few kabobs of chicken and steak , and some of duck heart , which was surprisingly very delicious . I was worried about the texture , but it just seemed like regular meat , except with that rich duck flavor . The main meat was sausage . I think there were at least 4 different types , and it just kept coming . They even had one that was stuffed with roquefThe Camambert . Amazing . This looks huge , but it 's a little appetizer plate . That 's the duck heart . Note Holly 's sandals , almost completely buried . With he wind that happened in minutes . Baby footprints . So so cute . He didn 't love his first beach experience , but we had fun with him . Posted by This week was going really well , until Tuesday when I got ROBBED ! This is the 7th country I 've lived in , and that was the first time I 've ever had anything stolen . Holly wanted to collect some rocks at the river , so we were just making a quick stop on the way home from the grocery store . Right before we parked we saw this guy biff it on his scooter , so Holly popped her head out of the window and asked if he was ok . He said he was , but he gave us the heebeegeebees so we sat in the car and watched until he drove away . We were just going to be at the river for a few minutes , within sight of our car , so we had just stashed our purses under the seats ( so stupid - - I never do that . . . the one time ! ! ! ! ) . There are some steps down to the river , and we were just below them when that same guy came back ! He pulled up on his scooter and started saying terrible things that he wanted to do to us , so obviously we didn 't want to go anywhere near him , and he had parked himself right between the top of the stairs and our car . All I could think about was getting away , so we walked over to the next flight of stairs to get back up on the road and in sight of more people . As we were going up , I could hear him break the window of the car . The fact that he was hanging around our car because he wanted to steal from us hadn 't even crossed my mind , or the fact that he was probably a gypsy . He grabbed all our stuff , and took off on his scooter right in front of us , and in broad daylight , as we were running towards him yelling and trying to flag down another car . We ran and screamed and yelled , but there was nothing we could do ! It was so beyond frustrating . He took my phone and wallet . Luckily my passport was at home . Jerk . Anyway , we went to the police and reported it , but I don 't think they 'll even do anything about it . It 's like no one really cares . . . We flagged down one of those mini euro vans , right after and told him we 'd just been robbed , and to go after the guy to go after the scooter , but he didn 't seem to care . We stEpilogue A purse came in at my 2nd - hand store , that was a pretty good replica of the one I had . They gave it to me for free . And then yesterday on my walk home from the grocery store I found a discarded pre - paid phone in the street , really similar to the French one I had . I don 't know if I can find a battery for it , but it made me feel watched over , nonetheless . : ) My dad has a brother who is charismatic , funny , outgoing , pleasant to be around , and very talkative . I don 't think I 've been with him at a restaurant where he doesn 't address the server by name . He makes everyone feel chummy and comfortable within minutes of the conversation . He genuinely enjoys talking to everyone he meets , and wants to meet everyone he can . My aunt told me while they were staying in China , he would stop people on the street and just keep saying hello until he could get someone to have a conversation with him . Ever since my first couple days here , I decided in my head that if I 'm going to learn this language , I 'm going to have to be Uncle Peter . I didn 't have any friends , or anyone to talk to on a regular basis - - I just needed to start talking to neighbors , clerks , bus drivers , and anyone I see . I could think about doing that . It made sense , logically . I wanted to speak the language , and I wanted friends . But real life looks like this : I go to a park and sit on the bench to rest for a minute . A woman walks up and sits on the next bench over . We exchange greetings . I smile . She pulls out some snacks . I stand up to go . She says , " Oh , you don 't need to go because I sat down . " I say that I was just going to head home for lunch myself . I tell her " bon apetit , " and head on my way . As I walk away , all I can think is how that was such a good opportunity to get to know a neighbor and to have a good conversation . But my whole being is shouting " Code red , code red ! You don 't know her . Abort . Abort ! " It doesn 't matter the language . I am an introvert . The fact the I am trying to have small talk in a foreign language only makes it more intimidating . Uncle Peter thrives off small talk . He feels great . The new friend feels great . They all come out bubbly and happy and better people . I shrink with small talk . Panic sets in , and there 's nothing in my brain to talk about . Nothing ! I am an intelligent person , right ? How does my brain go blank because someone I don 't know is talkingAnd I 've really enjoyed the little insights to French culture I 've picked up along the way . One of my fellow co - workers telling a very large customer we have " des grands grands pantalons pour vous . " ( very very large pants for him ) . And this was right after she told me all about how a teanager at the next booth over had just told her overweight granddaughter that she eats too much bread and chocolate ( a problem she soothed with ice cream bars for both of them ) . My moment of overwhelming popularity came when a British woman wanted to buy lotion . No one could understand her , so they all waved me over to translate . They 'd been trying to sell her sunscreen , but I solved the problem ! I may have broken , barely functionally fluent French . But it works . And it 's fun ! Today was my first day on the job . I found it really easily , and when I got there , I explained a little about who I was , and that I wanted to volunteer . They got the director ( Mireille ) , and she was really really nice ! She showed me around the place , which was a second hand store with clothes , shoes , and a couple other random things , and then some smaller food items and shampoo and personal hygiene stuff for sale . She introduced me to so many people there , in the store front , and showed me the back room where they sort , and the offices where they meet with people and discuss their needs . Then she took me out to the market . Our town has a really big outdoor market every Monday morning , so they have a booth there where they sell the same sort of things , but especially a lot of candies and packaged foods . She told me I could work there , and I stayed for a little while , but it ended up being hard because they didn 't really need me , and I was distracting them from their jobs . So , she took me back to the office and had someone take me with them to their epicerie ( small corner store ) where they sell produce and other expiring items donated by the grocery stores . I helped there for a little bit , which was fun , but again , they really didn 't need me much . Then when they closed , I went back to the main office , and they actually needed a lot of help because someone had just moved and sent tons of boxes that needed to be sorted . We just went through and took out all the winter things to store , and then got the summer things ready to go on the floor . That part was more fun , but there was one lady there who wasn 't very nice . She wasn 't too terribly mean , but she just treated me like I was a little dumb . Other than that everyone was really nice , and very happy to have me there . Mireille ( the president ) told me my French is excellent ! And when she was introducing me to people she would say things like " I don 't know what she 's doing here , her French is so good ! It 's funny because people say things like that , but myNicole Carrier Somewhere in the midst of trying to feel a part of life here , we spent a day visiting some family members of the family I 'm staying with . I went on a little walk by myself to savor the landscape . The photos don 't even begin to capture how beautiful it was . I imagined what it would be like to grow up here , like Matthias did , in a medieval village , with rolling hills of vineyards , pomegranate trees , figs and olive orchards . And then I saw this tree , so strong and so alone . Of course my mind wandered , and I thought of myself . Of how much courage it takes to cross the world alone , and of how strong I can be . I couldn 't stop taking pictures . I went to yoga Mon night , but got the time mixed up , and I got there 20 min after it started , rather than 10min before , like I thought . So I just walked around town and did some more exploring instead . Tues was an American day , and I went into Nimes and went shopping with Holly . Yesterday I mostly worked . And today I worked in the morning , and then went to the volunteer center to try and find some sort of volunteer activity so I can be involved in the community and speak French ! I had emailed and asked , and they told me when to come . I went , and even though , according to the sign posted on the door with the hours , they should be open , alas , they were closed . It said they were open from 2 : 30 - 5 . I got there at 2 : 45 , so I decided to just stroll around town and come back . I looked at some bookshops and clothes stores , and just people - watched and eavesdropped on conversations , longing to be a part of them . I talked to some people in a bookstore , but it 's hard to have a conversation of more than a few min with strangers . I went back to the volunteer center a little before 4 , and they still weren 't open , so I just headed home , bummed . I just want to be a part of France . Why won 't it let me in ? On my walk home , I started thinking about all the ways I make friends and become involved in the community at home . Church . Not in my town . And other churches have services at the same time . School , nope . Work , nope . Yoga , nope again . They moved yoga to the park this week , and the teacher took my email address and said she 'd email me , and give me a ride . But it 's Thursday , and I never heard back . : ( Another fail . I am really enjoying being here , walking around the village , and spending time with Holly and her family . I really love them , and love living with them . And I don 't really have to learn French for any reason . It could really be the perfect set - up for anyone , living with a great family in a great spot . But I LOVE learning languages . I love being able to communicate with someone from another country in their lanI 've thought a few times that I just need to get over it , and start talking to everyone I see . I 've done it a few times , but it 's very hard , and I don 't really get to practice much , because a conversation with someone on the street is only going to be long enough to ask directions , or if they have a cigarette or lighter ( I 've been asked that a few times - - so European ! ) . Anyway , I realized that the reason I can 't just get myself to do that is that those sorts of conversations are not fulfilling to me . That 's not the part of the language I love . I am an introvert . I don 't enjoy small talk . Even in a foreign language . I crave heart - to - hearts with people I 've built a trusting relationship with . And that 's what I crave here , in French . I need some French best friends . Well , that was an adventure ! I went to my first French yoga class . I 'm beginning to learn the Paris metro system is just representative of France - - complicated ! It 's like they 're still in the 90 's when it comes to the internet . After much searching I did find information on 3 yoga places . But all they include is a phone number for you to call and find out more information . So much for advertising your business , and posting info so people can come … Anyway , Matthias was really nice , and called them all for me . They told him this one was near the library , so I walked downtown toward the library , but couldn 't find the street it was on . I asked an older couple if they knew the street , and the directed me way back to where I 'd come from - it wasn 't close to the library at all , but was on the edge of downtown . So , by the time I got there it was 6 : 28 , and class started at 6 : 30 . The building looked closed , but I opened the door , and there were people inside . Of course the door was at the front near the instructor , and the students were all sitting in a semi - circle facing her . I just opened the door and asked in my lame French if I could do yoga . She smiled and said , " I don 't know , can you ? " Arg . At least she was smiling . So I asked if I could come in . She said yes , and seemed happy to have me . She then interviewed me about my experience with yoga in front of the whole class . She asked what kind of yoga I do , and when I said hot , she looked at me like I was crazy . I knew I said it right because everyone has been talking about how hot it is , so it 's definitely a word I know ! The guy next to me came to my aid , and said he 'd heard of it , and it 's yoga where the room is like 40 degrees . I told her it 's so you can stretch better , and she thought that was interesting . Funny she 'd never heard of it ! This class was Pradipika yoga . I don 't really know what that means , but it was very different from anything I 'd done before . I loved being able to listen and follow along in French though ! It was mosJune 11 , 2015 I tried out another yoga class today . It 's always such an ordeal to find a new place . I asked an older couple again , and google was telling me to go the wrong way on the round - about . But I figured it out , and found the right building . It was a building for clubs and groups in the town , which is really cool . I went to the reception desk and asked if there was a yoga class . She said no , and that she thought there was one later in the afternoon . I asked what time . She said , no , that 's not the way it works . You can 't just ask what time . You have to look up the group and call them and find out the information . I told her I had called and they 11 : 15 . She said , oh , in that case , check with the dance studio room . Why she couldn 't just direct me to that room to begin with was interesting . French culture again . I walked into the dance studio , and there was a receptionist on the phone , so while I waited to ask her I noticed someone coming down the stairs wearing yoga clothes . I asked her if there was a yoga class . She said she was looking for the same class , and had just checked the room , but it was locked . So we waited for the receptionist who then told us the class was at noon . I didn 't mind too much because I had a French person captive to talk to for 45 min ! She was really nice , but after about 15 min , I could see that I probably didn 't have it in me to keep the conversation going that long ! Then someone else came looking for the class , and another person came and told us it had been moved to the park . Of course I couldn 't get there because I don 't have a car , but luckily the first woman I had been talking to offered to give me a ride . It was so fun . The park was gorgeous ! And I got to do yoga in a foreign language . So many of my favorite things together ! The yoga again was pretty different from what I 'm used to . I 'm beginning to think Americans invented our style of yoga because we want to get exercise and meditation all knocked out at once , and we focus on the exercise aspect more for sure ! But thePosted by My first big outing on my own was going to church , which was AMAZING ! It was by far the best thing I 've done here . I wish I didn 't have to wait an entire week to go back . I found a cheap train ( transportation is really expensive here ) , and got there really easily , thanks to the help of technology . It was so exciting to spot the building as I walked down the street , and when I walked up the steps , there were a few people standing outside , and they all greeted me . When I walked inside , everyone shook my hand and kissed me ( 3 kisses in France ) . Relief Society ( meeting with the women together ) was first , and everyone introduced themselves , and all were excited to meet me . I felt so loved ! I wish church could feel this welcoming for everyone every time . I understood most of the meeting ( just got lost a few times during the lesson , when I zoned out ) . The best moment was when someone I had been talking to asked me why I am here . I said I 'm here to learn French , and she said , " Oh no , you already speak French ! You can say you 're here to better your French . " They really helped boost my confidence . Why does Sunday have to come only once a week ? And I wish it weren 't so far away . I just went to church for the second time today . I still love it so so much . The people are just so warm and welcoming . I may walk in alone , but I 'm never alone for a minute once I 'm there . It was my second week and it 's like I 've already been going for months . They all kiss me and check in to see how I 'm doing . I found someone in my town to give me a ride , an older man who is really nice . I think it makes him feel really great to be able to come pick me up . He kept telling everyone I have a chauffeur now . The train costs about $ 25 to take and the bus isn 't very direct and doesn 't pass very often , especially during the summer , and especially on Sundays . Anyway , today was stake conference ( a regional conference ) . I 'm in the Toulouse Stake ! It 's so big . This was the first conference they started to broadcast the meetings , so the members were very excited to be able to meet in our building . It 's very expensive and very time consuming to be able to go to Toulouse ( 3 hrs & 75 euros each way on a speed train ) . One of the members today was telling me that only the most dedicated and well - off could go . How sad ! He also told me that Ales used to have its own branch , with about 30 members , and that Nimes used to have a really big ward . I asked what happened , and he said he didn 't know , really . I guess a good amount of people have moved , and slowly stopped going . I was so bummed ! I would have loved to be part of a little branch here . But , back to conference . It was so good . Three recently returned missionaries spoke about their experiences . One went to SLC temple square , another to Montreal Canada ( speaking Spanish and English ! ) , and I can 't remember where the third one went … But they were so cute . One of them mentioned Miitt Romney . He served his mission in France , so they LOVE him ! The mission president and his wife both spoke too , and said their goodbyes because they 're going home in a few days . The president served his mission as a young man in Toulouse also , so he talked about how there was also a stake conference going on in Lyon , which is where they live , but they chose to travel to Toulouse so this mission could end where his last one had 38 years earlier . The stake president closed , and also told a lot of mission stories . He served in Belgium . It was my first time in Paris , though , a city I found to be very user unfriendly . I didn 't have a lot of time , so I thought I would just take the metro and hit up the Eiffel tower and the cathedral of Notre Dame before I took my train down south . It took about an hour to figure out how to leave my luggage at the train station . I had to ask so many people where the luggage lockers were . The people in the information booths were not very informative , and their English was impossible for me to understand . Other people I asked just plain didn 't know . That place is a maze ( so much so that I left myself ½ hr to get my luggage out , which I needed because even the second time I had a hard time finding my way back to the lockers ) . After finally locking up my luggage , I was on my way . I headed across the street to the other train station because it looked like it would be an easier metro ride if I left from there . But by the time I got there , and figured out which route to take , I realized I didn 't know how to actually buy the ticket , nor was there anyone around to ask . So I decided I better skip that and just walk along the river to the Cathedral , and enjoy my time there . Dear Paris , I have used the metros in Mexico City , New York , DC , Moscow , and Madrid with no problem . I definitely speak more French than I do Russian . Why are you so complicated ? Anyway , I did enjoy walking around the cathedral and the streets of Paris , and I even ate a crepe ! I kept surprising myself because I actually understood what most everyone said to me during my travels . Between the shuttles and trains and train station , I did just fine ! I sat next to a nice man on the train , and had a ( very ) short conversation with him . That train ( a double - decker speed train ) took me to Nimes from Paris in 3hrs , and then I hopped on another to go from Nimes to Ales . Holly picked me up when I got here , and they had dinner all ready when we walked in . Duck , rice and green beans . What a great welcome ! I feel so blessed to have been able to stay with them . Holly is American , and Matthias , her husband is French . They also have an adorable little baby , Guy . They were so welcoming , and have been such great hosts , and we quickly became friends . Their house is very cute , and their town is so quaint . My first few days here seemed really long . I was working online a lot , which is boring . I don 't like just sitting in a room working on the computer for hours , especially when it 's France outside . I took some breaks and spent some time exploring the town with Holly . But it has been hard not having any other friends . One of the things Holly and I did was go to a retirement home because in my mind I thought that sounded like the best thing I could do to practice speaking - just go hang around with older people who don 't have anything to do other than speak ! I 'm so glad I didn 't venture out and try to do that one on my own . I would have just said something super simple like , " I 'm American and I am here to learn French . Can I talk to the people here to practice ? " But even with Holly there explaining in great detail , they still didn 't know what to do with us . They kept saying that they didn 't know how that would be possible , and they didn 't know who we could talk to about that . And that it 's so complicated ! They suggested city hall , and the tourist information desk . It was so funny . Definitely my first major culture clash .
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Some short stories and novellas . See list of subject categories to the right of the first story . Many of these stories have gay characters and themes ( other than the two obvious categories under ' Labels ' , Cinque Ports and Lewis also deal with gay subjects ) . My apologies for the errors . I am not good at proofing , and my frequent revisions leave scraps of earlier versions embedded in the posted text . Saturday , 15 March 2008 This is a work of fiction . Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental . The events depicted in this story did not happen and are not based on my life . Please do not confuse me with my characters . Lewis 's call did nothing to allay my fears . It simply added another layer to them . Each time he told me not to worry , it made me worry all the more . I couldn 't imagine what arguments he could use to persuade Peter to leave us alone . In fact , I was sure that any such appeal would let Peter know that he had found a target and make him want to hit it again and again . On the other hand , I found myself hoping against all reason that Lewis had indeed found a way to neutralise Peter . The rehearsals went badly that day , and I 'm afraid I wasn 't much help to the cast . I was far too distracted . Finally about 2 : 00 , I called a halt and suggested that we all take the weekend off and start afresh on Monday . That won a round of applause , and the theatre emptied quickly . Because I got an earlier start than I had anticipated , I was able to make it to Edinburgh before 9 : 00 . I was so exhausted that I fell right asleep and , to my surprise , didn 't wake up until almost 8 : 00 the next morning . To my surprise , the meetings in Edinburgh went well . I think I was just relieved to put more distance between myself and Peter . Just being so far away made it easier for me to relax . Peter couldn 't find me . I also managed to dispose of the remains of the videotape . I had cut it up into even finer pieces and distributed it among several bags . A single bag went into the hotel wastebaskets in Birmingham and Edinburgh and the litter bins at the theatre , three petrol stations , and the places I stopped along the road . Disposing of the tape did not dispose of my anxieties , however . I was growing used to them , but still the thought of Peter 's threats were enough to make my stomach clench . The closer I got to Birmingham on Sunday , the stronger my fears grew . I had managed to escape them for a while , but they were waiting for my return . As I was checking back into the hotel in Birmingham , the desk clerk handed me four message slips . Two were from the stage manager , one was from Harry with a number that I recognised as the phone in his flat , and the last one was from a Detective Inspector Geoff Harnesby . The number was for the Brighton area . The stage manager tended to be rendered overwrought by trifles , and I wasn 't particularly concerned about his calls . Harry should still have been in Norfolk - he had planned to return on Thursday or Friday - and I suspected something had gone wrong . I had no idea why a detective inspector was trying to reach me , but I didn 't like the sound of that . The clerk obviously was most interested in the last message and drew my attention to it . ' The inspector was most insistent that you call him back as soon as you arrived . ' The clerk must have hungered for the days when all calls would have been routed through the hotel operator , and he could have listened in . I tried to look nonchalant , as if calls from the police were a daily occurrence in my life . ' Did he mention what this was about ? ' The clerk shook his head no . I wondered if he had asked . ' Well , I will call him later . I had best find something to eat before the restaurants close . ' ' Oh , I will . Geoff tends to be imperious , and I wouldn 't want to anger him . The last time I did , he handcuffed me to the bedposts and used me mercilessly . ' I leered lasciviously at the clerk . ' It was great fun . ' The clerk drew back and pursed his lips in disdain . He reached the conclusion I had hoped for . Being in the theatre and from Brighton made it easy to deflect his interest from my potential wrongdoings to a gay tryst . I rang Harry first . His hello sounded dejected . I tried a bravado I didn 't quite feel . ' Am I speaking to the Harry Castlemain , rising star of the opera world and world - renowned pleasurer of felines ? ' ' Oh , Jonathan . You 're back . ' The relief in his voice was palpable , and also very flattering . At least someone I loved and admired , loved and admired me as well . In my mind 's eye , I could see Harry standing there on the other end , holding the phone to his ear , looking slightly frayed and rumpled . With his free hand , he pushed the hair off his forehead . ' Yes , I am back . ' I struggled to find words to begin . Finally I decided to confront whatever was bothering him . ' Harry , I suppose we could enquire about our respective trips and make polite conversation , but somehow I don 't think that 's why you called , is it ? You 're back in Brighton , and I 'm guessing that means that things didn 't go well with the parents . ' ' They weren 't happy . Not happy at all . They tried to be polite and supportive , but I could see that they were very disappointed in me . We couldn 't find anything to say to one another , and so I left . Two days of silence and not talking were enough . I think they were relieved that I was going . They can ignore the " problem " now and pretend I hadn 't spoken . ' ' Perhaps they just need a little time to get used to the idea . No . I 'm sorry . That 's all wrong . You don 't need false reassurances and sympathy . ' ' There 's nothing wrong with false reassurances and sympathy . I 'll take them any day over the guilt I 've been feeling for the past few days . I feel like I 've done something terribly wrong and deserve to be punished . I 'm sorry . I shouldn 't have disturbed you with my problems , Jonathan . I just didn 't have anyone to talk with . I can 't stand being in this room by myself and I don 't want to go out and face other people . ' ' Harry , the last thing you should do is to feel that you have to punish yourself for being gay . There are plenty of people willing to do that already . And you do have someone to talk with . Two people as a matter of fact . And your problems are not a disturbance . They are our problems too . We all knew it wasn 't going to be an easy conversation . ' There was a choking sound at the other end of the line . After a brief silence , Jonathan spoke again . ' If I had said , " Mom , Dad , I 've met this wonderful woman , and we want to move in together " , they would have been so happy . But when I said , " Mom , Dad , I met these two wonderful men , and we 're going to live together " , my mom started crying and my dad scolded me for upsetting her . Why does it have to make such a difference that we 're gay ? And why do I feel that I 'm the one who 's done something really horrible ? ' ' He called me on Friday . He was going to spend the weekend at his parents . You could try calling them . His father must be in the directory - all doctors have a listing . Roland Quinn , I 'm sure it 's Roland . Does that sound right ? But there can 't be more than one Doctor Quinn in Shalford . Just ask for Doctor Quinn 's number . Lewis is only an hour 's drive away , Harry . He must be going to work tomorrow . He 'll have to return tonight . ' ' I 'll try . It 's good to hear your voice , to talk with you . I feel better just hearing you . ' There was a sniffle on Harry 's end of the line . ' It makes me feel good to hear you say that . ' Harry and I were whispering . No one could have heard us , but we both wanted , needed , intimacy at that moment . I felt as if we were standing together , our foreheads pressed together and our arms around each other . The elations and illusions of love . ' Harry , have you called your parents since you got back ? ' ' I think you should . Of course , it 's easy for me to say that because I won 't be making the call , but I think you should tell them that you love them . Just that . Concentrate on what 's essential and valuable and let the rest go for now . ' Harry and I continued to talk for another fifteen minutes . We didn 't really say much of any importance . But the subject matter of the conversation held little significance . What was important was that we were having the conversation . That Harry had someone to talk to about his problems and that I had someone who trusted me with his problems . Before we rang off , he promised me that he would try Lewis at his parents ' home and then call his parents . Harry 's troubles had pushed the thought of the other phonecalls out of my mind for a few minutes . I shuffled the other three slips of paper around on the desk that held the phone , arranging them in triangles and then aligning them up in neat rows as I pondered what to do . Finally I decided I had best call DI Harnesby before I ate . My stomach would be in better shape if I knew what he wanted . My call to the number listed on the message form connected to a constable at a switchboard in some office in the Sussex Police . Harnesby was not there , but the constable took my name and number and told me that she would contact Harnesby and he would ring me . I told her I could only wait for half an hour and then had to go out to eat . That didn 't go over well , but she said she would relay the message . My phone rang only a couple minutes later . ' No , no . Mr Spenser . As far as I know , your house is fine . And your cat . I 'm sorry to interrupt your weekend , but we needed some information on Peter Framingham , and we were told . . . ' ' I 'm sorry to tell you this , Mr Spenser , but there was a fire at Mr Framingham 's house last Thursday night . It was almost completely destroyed . I 'm afraid that Mr Framingham was killed . The fire started late at night . By the time someone saw it and called it in and the fire brigade arrived , the house was already largely destroyed . ' ' Mr Spenser . I just have a few questions . I know this is a difficult moment for you , but we need information about the contents of Mr Framingham 's house , and you were identified to us as a friend of Mr Framingham 's and someone likely to be familiar with his house . We were given your name by one of his colleagues , a Mr Leonard Barkin . ' The inspector continued calmly on , even though the sounds of my gagging must have been audible to him . ' It won 't take but a few moments of your time , and it is important that we have this information quickly . I realise that this is a bad time for you . If it 's any consolation , Mr Framingham would have been overcome by the smoke and died of that quickly . He would have been unconscious soon after the fire started . Do you need a few moments ? I can ring back . ' ' You mustn 't leap to conclusions , Mr Spenser . We gather information on all fires that involve deaths . We are simply trying to determine why the fire appears to have developed so quickly . It appears to have started in a room between the sitting room and the kitchen . Can you tell us what Mr Framingham used that room for and what it held ? ' I had to force myself to calm down . ' It 's his home office . He owns an animation and film processing company . But you probably already know that . ' I tried to think . I knew the room the inspector was referring to . I had been in it many times . But at the moment , I couldn 't call any mental pictures of it to mind . ' I 'm sorry , Inspector . I 'm just finding it hard to gather my thoughts . ' I swallowed several times to rid my throat of the taste of the bile that risen into it . ' The room has video equipment - recorders , an editing machine . Peter likes to work at home at night . He evidently often stayed up late working . He once told me it was much quieter there than at the office , and he could think better out in the country . ' ' One wall appears to have held bookshelves . ' The inspector 's voice was much calmer than mine . I suppose he needed certain bits of information , and ignoring my hysterics must have seemed the best way to deal with them . ' Yes . But not books . That 's where he stored his videotapes and films . He had a large collection . His own work . Things he recorded off the television . Tapes he bought . Films . There must have been hundreds of them . ' Including Peter 's special collection of tapes of me and others , although I didn 't tell the inspector that . ' One of his assistants - ' There was a rustling of papers in the background . ' A Miss Elliott - told us that she occasionally found cigarettes smouldering in wastebaskets at work where Mr Framingham had dumped them . Once , I understand , it was necessary to use a fire extinguisher to put a blaze out . Did you ever see anything like that ? ' ' Not personally . He told me about the fire in the wastebasket , though . He thought it a good joke on himself . He usually just threw his cigarettes in the fireplace . ' ' Not completely . Peter can be an impatient man . At most he might crush the end a bit on the ashtray and then just toss it toward the fireplace . Sometimes he missed . The flooring in front of the fireplace apron had several burn marks on it . ' ' I don 't know , Inspector . I never observed him working in his office . He did have ashtrays throughout the house . They were always full . ' ' I wouldn 't know that , Inspector . I seldom went into that room . Maybe four or five times in the years I 've known Peter . There never was any reason for me to go in there . ' ' Not his name . He went to a doctor in Brighton , I know . He had the prescriptions filled at a Boots down the street from his office . We stopped in there once so that he could refill one . ' That was the last of the inspector 's questions . He rang off after again offering his condolences . My appetite had vanished . I turned off the lights in the room and sat beside the window , watching the traffic in the street below . I could see Peter working at the table in his office , as I had seen him do so many times . His attention focussed on the television screen in front of him , making notes on a pad of yellow paper . Occasionally lifting the ever - present glass of whiskey and drinking from it . The constant puffing on cigarettes , the air in the room filled with currents of drifting blue - grey smoke . The wastebasket that stood in the corner next to the drapes and the shelves filled with videotapes and films . He goes to stub out his cigarette and discovers the ashtray is full . With a gesture of impatience , he empties the ashtray in the wastebasket and returns his attention to the screen and his work . As usual , the wastebasket is filled with sheets of paper he has wadded up and scraps of video film . Peter is so intent on his work that he doesn 't notice the first puffs of smoke and then the flames rising from the wastebasket . The noise of the video covers the crackling . It isn 't until the curtains catch on fire that he becomes aware of the fire . He starts up in a panic and catches foot on a leg of the table or stumbles over a crumpled up rug . He trips and strikes his head on the edge of the table , knocking himself out . By this time the tapes on the shelves have begun to burn , and the unconscious Peter is overcome by the fumes . His converted farmhouse is hidden behind a row of tall shrubberies . It is late at night . No one is using the road . The nearest house is half a mile away , its occupants asleep behind closed and locked windows , oblivious to everything . No one notices the fire until the house is ablaze and the flames are visible over the top of the hedgerows . The fire brigade doesn 't arrive for another twenty - thirty minutes . By that time , it is too late . Peter is dead and his house is destroyed , along with whatever evidence he had of my indiscretions . I barely registered the car lights on the streets below . I was sickened more by the terror of burning to death than by the fact that it was Peter who had died . I kept seeing the flames mounting around me , surrounding me , the heat and the smoke choking me , making it impossible to breathe , and the flames moving ever closer to me . I put no trust in the inspector 's confident assertion that it was an easy death . It was a horror , far from the painless lapse into sleep that we all hope for . To see death coming and to know that it would be agony , not a few seconds of some sharp stabbing pain as one 's heart spasmed , followed by an unfamiliar silence , the first time in one 's life that the sound of the heart beating wasn 't part of the background noise , and then the dizziness and the oblivion as oxygen ceased to flow to the brain . But for Peter , I felt no great regret . I did not wish him the death he had , but I was not so much of a hypocrite as to pretend that I felt a great loss . Our association , for that is all that it was , was more a matter of convenience to both of us . There was no attachment other than a vague sense that each of us supplied the other with services and opportunities he enjoyed . Perhaps my tears were for him , perhaps they were just a release of the emotions that had been gnawing at me for several days . Perhaps they were just an expression of the relief I felt that we were no longer in any danger from Peter . His carelessness - the arrogant assumption that nothing would ever happen to him , that a lit cigarette tossed into a basket full of paper and celluloid fragments wouldn 't start a fire - had resulted in his death . He and his tapes were gone . And I was free . We were free . Lewis and Harry and I were free . Peter couldn 't harm me , couldn 't harm us any more . The next morning , I hunted up all the papers I could find in the hotel and the theatre . The first reports had only brief accounts of the fire and withheld the identity of the dead man until his family had been notified . The Sunday paper carried only a notice giving Peter 's name . It wasn 't until Wednesday that a fuller account appeared . The coroner and the police had reconstructed a course of events similar to the one I had imagined . One thing surprised me , however . The coroner had been able to determine that Peter had ingested a substantial amount of Quinalbarbitone as well as enough alcohol to be legally drunk ; he concluded that Peter 's reactions would have been impaired when the fire started and surmised that he would have been confused and disoriented and unable to comprehend the danger and escape . The news that Peter had been drinking didn 't surprise me , but I was astonished to learn that he had taken a sedative . When I told the inspector that Peter never used drugs , I thought I was telling the truth . Peter was the type to make others take sedatives . I would never have guessed him to be the type to need a sleeping pill . Besides he knew the dangers of drugs . If he had taken a sleeping pill , he wouldn 't have been drinking . I stayed in Birmingham until the following Sunday . The rehearsals went well , and the show opened on Thursday night to an appreciative audience and generally good reviews . I worked with the cast on a few problems on Friday and Saturday . The performance Saturday night was sold out , and ticket sales were strong for the run of the play . My role was finished . I packed up on Sunday and drove back - to an empty house . Lewis had resurfaced the previous Monday and had talked Harry into visiting first Harry 's parents on Saturday and then Lewis 's parents on Sunday . It was decided - well , really Lewis decided - that one lover at a time would be less stressful on the parents . I would be introduced into the equation at a later time . I 'm also quite sure that Lewis felt he would be the best person of the three of us to deal with Harry 's parents . The air in the house was stale and cold . Murphy must have heard my car . He met me at the front door and wrapped himself around my ankles before I even got the door shut . His friendly greeting was brief . It was quickly followed by querulous complaints of my perfidy in leaving him to the indifferent care of others . Dealing with him and unpacking and going through the mail took me the better part of an hour . The tape on my answering machine was full , and I sat down with a tablet of paper and began jotting down notes and numbers . I had to replay several of the messages to get all the information . Most of the callers hemmed and hawed their way through the message and then speeded up just as they began reciting their phone number . My machine prefaced each message with the date and time . On the Thursday evening of the previous week at 6 : 38 , I had received a chilling message . ' Jonathan , my long - silent friend . You 've been out of touch . It 's very rude of you not to keep your old friends apprised of these new developments in your life . Luckily Lewis has better manners . He called me to thank me for my wedding present to the three of you . He tells me that you are out of town . You probably missed receiving your copy of the tape I prepared for you and Lewis and your lovely new friend Harry . It 's a pity , because I know you would have enjoyed it . Lewis enjoyed it so much that he wants to see more . He 's coming over tonight to talk with me . Such a thoughtful young man you 've found for yourself . He 's even bringing food . A nice spicy curry he made all by himself . Just for me . You know how much I like curry . He even offered to bring a bottle of my favourite whiskey . It will probably put me in such a generous mood that I will share the highlights of your performances with him . Give him pointers on how best to handle you , how to get the most out of you , how to whip you into shape , as it were . Ah , if you were there , you would probably say , " as you wish . " Well , I do wish . I feel so privileged at being able to help your relationship along and get it started on a proper footing . Well , a bientôt . I 'm sure we 'll be talking soon . ' As soon as I realised I was listening to Peter 's voice , I dropped the pad of paper and the pen and cringed back against the opposite wall of the hall . The tape continued on to the next message and then the next as I stared at the machine . Innocuous and now - unimportant messages from friends and colleagues interspersed with recorded sales pitches droned on , one after the other until the tape wound down . I barely listened to them as the import of Peter 's message sank in . He had called the night he died . Lewis had visited him that night , bearing gifts . One of the hot curries Peter loved . A bottle of his favourite whiskey . I had almost forgotten Lewis 's call on Friday morning to assure me that he had taken care of everything . Now it took on a sinister meaning . I stared at the answering machine as if it were an enemy and then frantically pushed the combination of buttons that erased the entire tape and rewound it to the beginning . A moment 's thought convinced me that even that wasn 't enough . I tore the cassette out of the machine and pulled the tape out , snapping it apart and jerking it free of the housing . I frantically rooted through the drawer underneath the phone searching for the replacement cassette I thought I had tossed in there . It wasn 't until I found it and put it into the machine and closed the cover that I began to feel safe . I gathered up the old tape and thrust it into my briefcase . I would destroy it later . I had to make sure that no one ever found this proof of Lewis 's guilt . I had to make sure that no one ever suspected Lewis . I tried to remember if I had ever told Lewis about Peter 's habit of tossing lighted cigarettes into a wastebasket or the incidents of the fires he had started at work . Lewis 's curry could explain the drugs in Peter 's system . Lewis had made an extra - hot curry , the way Peter liked them , and used the taste to mask the flavour of the drug . He may even made a milder one for himself or told Peter that he had already eaten . He probably had some scheme to steal the tapes of me and destroy them after Peter had fallen asleep , not realising that Peter had hundreds of tapes in his office and finding all those of me would take hours . Lewis sees the wastebasket and he remembers the story of the fires Peter has started . He sees an opportunity to rid us of the blackmailer for good by using Peter 's carelessness to hide his arson . It is short work to create a flammable collection of paper and video scraps . He drags Peter into the office and arranges him next to his work table , as if he had fallen off his chair . Perhaps he even sits Peter in the chair and then topples it to the floor so that Peter falls naturally . He places the bottle of whiskey on the table , with the glass beside it . He dumps the contents of the ashtray on Peter 's work table into the basket and positions the now - empty ashtray next to the bottle . Lewis gathers up the remains of the dinner he has brought and takes it to his car . He returns to the house and opens several windows on Peter 's ground floor . Finally , when he has prepared the scene to his satisfaction , he lights a cigarette and tosses it into the wastebasket . Or maybe he just drops a lighted match into the basket . It takes him only a few seconds to reach the front door and close it and get into his car . Even before he starts his car , the first flames are escaping the basket and rising up the curtain . The burning curtain stirs in the draught from the window , and the flames touch the wall of tapes , quickly spreading until the entire bookcase is afire . Lewis heads sedately north , continuing on to his parents ' house in Shalford , twenty miles further on . He arrives about 11 : 30 , apologising for the lateness of the hour . He stopped to see a friend and wasn 't watching the time . Sorry about the smell of smoke . The friend is a fiend about smoking . Doesn 't the smell get in one 's clothes ? I 'll have to wash these tomorrow to get rid of it . Or perhaps Lewis only drugged Peter . When Lewis understands that his scheme is hopeless , he leaves . Peter doesn 't realise how much Quinalbarbitone he has been fed . He pours his usual after - dinner drink and starts working on a project in his office . His wits are befuddled , and he half - grinds a cigarette out and throws the stub in the wastebasket . I couldn 't even let Lewis know what I suspected . If he hadn 't killed Peter , then the knowledge that I thought he had would end our relationship . And he would take Harry with him . He couldn 't continue to live with a person who thought he was a murderer . But if he had murdered Peter and was aware that I knew he had , then it would mean that I had condoned it and become his partner in the act . He might welcome our partnership at first , but over time the knowledge would become burdensome . If he grew tired of me , he couldn 't leave because I knew too much . He might even regard me as a threat . If he killed once , he could kill again . I admit that my thoughts weren 't rational . I 'm not at my best when I 'm under stress . I tend to panic and imagine the worst . And I had no time to gather my thoughts that night . I was about to leave the house and dispose of the message tape when the front door opened and Lewis and Harry rushed in . They were both giddy with excitement and loud and effusive in greeting me . They were so happy that I don 't think they noticed I held back . The two of them dragged me to the sofa . Harry sat down beside me and leaned against me , his head on my shoulder , one of his legs crossed over mine . Lewis stood behind me and put his hands around my neck . He began massaging the back of my neck with his thumbs . ' Indeed I am . I never boast of my accomplishments . I have no need to do so . Where others might see a problem , I find an opportunity . I am Lewis the Magnificent . ' Lewis let go of my neck long enough to pound his chest and bellow . ' You should have seen him , Jonathan . Half an hour after my parents meet him , my dad is inviting him to step down to the pub to meet his mates . My mum is asking him what he eats for breakfast . They love him . They haven 't been so happy with me since I won the scholarship to music school . Mum even introduced Lewis to the people in the shops as her son 's boyfriend . " You know , like Malcolm and Dewey , " she says , just in case they didn 't understand what she meant by " boyfriend " . ' ' You 'll have to forgive him , Harry . He is one of the three people in England who doesn 't watch the Terrace . ' Lewis bent over and spoke into my ear . ' That 's what makes you so endearing . You 're such an odd duck , queer even . ' Lewis licked my ear noisily . ' And speaking of queer , do you realize that we have been separated almost two weeks ? That 's two whole weeks without sex . We 're young , we 're male , we 're gay . Do we want sex ? ' Lewis was shouting and pummelling the air . ' Yes ! ' He and Harry shouted . The two of them leaped up and started up the stairs , Harry in the lead . After the first few steps , Lewis realised I wasn 't following them . He told Harry to go ahead and then turned back to me . ' It 's Peter . I can 't . ' I couldn 't go to bed with Lewis , with a murderer . I didn 't want his hands touching me . ' Forget Peter . He 's dead . And don 't say anything to Harry . You 're not going to spoil his happiness today . Let him have that . We 'll talk about this later . If you can 't be happy , then fake it . You direct actors . Surely you know how to give a good performance . Now come along . ' Lewis pulled me to my feet . Lewis couldn 't have known it , but he was talking to me in the same way my parents did when they wanted me to do something I didn 't want to . Fake it . If you aren 't happy to see your grandmother , pretend that you are . Fake it . Act as if you were feeling what you were supposed to feel and soon you would feel what you were supposed to feel . Play the role and you will become the role . Lewis must have realised that I didn 't want him close to me . He put Harry between us and made sure that we focussed all our attention on him . Harry was so ecstatic that I don 't think he noticed that Lewis and I weren 't really interacting . Harry eventually fell asleep between the two of us . Even in the darkened room , I could see that Lewis 's eyes were open and that he was watching me . He reached across Harry 's body and traced a short line across my chest with the tip of one of his fingers . Then he pulled his hand back and let it rest on Harry 's stomach . Sometime during the night , both Harry and I rolled over so that our backs were toward each other . I woke up in the dark . Lewis had moved around to my side of the bed and was facing me across the pillow . He had placed his hands on my chest and was stroking my nipples lightly . When he saw that I was awake , he placed a finger across his lips and motioned for me to be quiet . Then he continued stroking me . He was very gentle but persistent . When I made no move to stop him , he moved in closer and took my bottom lip between his lips and kissed it , softly . He was like a shadow whispering against my body . He licked my lips and then inserted the tip of his tongue between them , let it glide back and forth between them , each time a little deeper , until he had insinuated it deep into my mouth . As he did so , he pressed the tips of his fingers into my flesh , harder and harder . Invading me . Taking me over . Until I relaxed and he entered me . He was so quiet and tender . Our joining didn 't disturb Harry 's sleep at all . I don 't think Lewis had an orgasm . That wasn 't the point he was making . It wasn 't about sex . It wasn 't about fucking . It wasn 't about being the top or the bottom . It was about being one person . He pushed himself up into the bed a bit and then kissed me on the tip of the nose and then the forehead . Then he spoke for the first time . He lowered his lips to my ear and said . ' Us . ' And that was when I decided . I couldn 't live without Lewis and Harry . Whatever Lewis may have done and whatever role he may have played in Peter 's death , it didn 't matter . Us . Lewis and Harry and me . And me . I wouldn 't have to be alone again . I would risk being happy . And me . ' And ' is such a beautiful word . Lewis would allude to Peter only once again . Several days after the three of us were reunited , I was sitting at my office table marking up a script . Harry had gone to London for the day for his lessons with Marta . Lewis brought me a cup of coffee and sat it down beside me on the table . He stood behind me and placed his hands around my neck in what was becoming a familiar gesture . He began massaging the back of my neck with his thumbs . His fingers grasped the sides of my neck firmly . He bent over and kissed the top of my head . I didn 't have to ask which tape . I hadn 't told Lewis about the message Peter had left on my answering machine . ' Yes , I cut it up into pieces and put them in several different bags and left the bags in different bins along the road between Birmingham and Edinburgh . I couldn 't find any means of burning the pieces . I couldn 't just light a fire along the road or in the hotel . ' ' I did what needed to be done . And you are not to talk about it again . This is the only conversation we are ever going to have about it . ' ' I know you are , Jonathan . But it mustn 't happen again . You are not to get involved with anyone else . You have to put all that behind you . And Harry is never to find out about this . If you feel a need for that sort of thing , then you come to me and we will discuss it . I won 't hurt you , but we will talk about it and get you past it . Promise me that you will do that for Harry and me . ' ' We can make a very pleasant life for the three of us . I can help you and Harry . I 'm much more realistic than either of you , and I don 't have any qualms about doing what has to be done . So if you have problems , you come to me and talk about them , and we 'll work it out . That 's what a relationship is , Jonathan . People trusting each other and doing things together to make their lives better . You 've just got to learn to trust me . I 'm not going to hurt you . I promise you that . I 've never going to hurt you . And I can do all the things that will make us all comfortable so that you and Harry can concentrate on your work . We 'll be happy together , the three of us . You just have to learn how to be happy , Jonathan . ' Lewis changed the subject to other matters . He had arranged for hotel rooms for the three of us and for Harry 's parents in London for Harry 's first appearance in Mahler 's Eighth . Harry had said he would be too wound up to eat before the concert . Lewis had decided that we would take Harry 's parents to a restaurant . It would be an opportunity for them to meet me . But we had to find a place that was special so that it would be a memorable occasion , but not so formal that Harry 's parents would feel uncomfortable . What did I think about Luciana 's ? Italian would be good . Not too strange but different enough to strike them as unusual and a way to celebrate Harry 's success . Had I ever eaten there ? Would real Italian food be too weird for Harry 's parents ? His mother was really a plain English cook , probably hadn 't looked at her copy of Elizabeth David since she got it as a wedding present . But we had to have more than fish and chips or beef with Yorkshire pudding and two veg . And what should we do after the concert ? What did the soloists usually do ? Would there be a party ? Or did everyone just go home ? And what did people wear to the symphony ? Did everyone wear dinner jackets like in the movies ? In the years that followed , I would come to recognise this as Lewis 's method of talking about a serious matter . The discussion of the major topic was buried in mundane planning for other events - We did have to face up to the fact that Murphy was getting old and might have to be put down soon . It would kinder than letting him suffer further . And , by the way , would I be able to take two weeks off in June ? Harry was free then , and the three of us should take a vacation . Lewis had always wanted to visit Bermuda . Had I ever been ? And what did I think of it ? Or , shouldn 't we replace the drapes on the ground floor ? The present ones were getting so old and dusty . And , by the way , you really should see a doctor about that mole on your back . You shouldn 't let things like that go too long . My father will look at it when he 's here this weekend . And let 's go to a movie tonight . That day , after Lewis had finished alluding to Peter , he pulled up a chair beside me and took my hands in his as he planned our activities for Harry 's concert . Harry 's parents had already acquiesced in whatever plans Lewis would make . At Lewis 's urging , Harry had taken to calling his parents frequently . Sometimes Lewis would pick up the other phone and a three - way conversation would occur . As far as I could judge from the parts of the conversations I overheard , Lewis was quickly becoming a great favourite of Harry 's parents and been accepted as part of their family . Matters had progressed to the point that Lewis was exchanging family gossip with Harry 's mother and trading tips about the sales at Tesco 's and Sainsbury 's that week . The conversation switched to sports when Harry 's father came on the line . I had already been coached on possible topics of conversation for my first meeting with Harry 's parents . Lewis thought they would like to hear gossip about the actors and singers I knew . Shakespeare and opera and literature and the other things that occupied my time were not suitable subjects . I mustn 't overawe them with my education . Did I know anything about birds ? Harry 's father was an ardent birder . I could ask him about that . They , too , liked cats . Murphy should be good for a story or two . Oh , and we should be careful not to discuss the more intimate details of our life together . Three blokes sharing a house , mates , chums , but certainly not gay lovers . We had to give Harry 's parents time to adjust to the relationship . Once they saw how good we all were together , they would come around . But , for now , we didn 't want to rub their noses in it . Lewis is so beautiful . I don 't mean in looks , although he is handsome . He sat there that afternoon chatting me up and bringing me around to his point of view . He was excited and vibrant and happy . I felt happy just to be sitting beside him , and more alive . He is so alive and it spills over onto those around him . You know , it isn 't the sex that has kept us together , although that is terrific . It 's the quiet moments when you walk into a room , and one of your lovers looks up and smiles and holds out his hand . It 's when you 've lived with someone long enough to tell when he needs an arm around his shoulders and a few words of comfort . With Lewis 's help , I did make a favourable impression on Harry 's parents . I 've never achieved the level of intimacy with them that Lewis has , but then he tends to be better at making friends than I . Harry was a success . His voice soared that night . His parents and Lewis were so proud . They couldn 't stop smiling . They stood backstage after the concert watching people congratulate Harry . Esterhazy 's voice broke and faltered a bit when he thanked Harry . Harry introduced his parents and Lewis and me to him . Esterhazy assured Harry 's parents that their son had a splendid career ahead of him . Lewis got a raised eyebrow . When Harry told Esterhazy who my parents were , I was singled out as a person he could talk to . Several others who were backstage recognised me or soon learned who I was , and I was surrounded by people wanting to talk about mother or reminisce about my father . I became separated from Lewis and Castlemains . The people who were talking with me were buoyed up by excitement over the concert and were chattering away . The various conversations around me didn 't require much of my attention . I watched Lewis and Harry . Lewis contrived to protect Harry 's parents against the crowd around Harry , yet at the same time let them share in Harry 's success . Harry knew that he had done well , but he couldn 't let himself believe in his success too much . He was critical of himself . He had entered just a bit flat there . He hadn 't shaded that note right . But he didn 't want to leave the hall either . It was as if his triumph might fade when he left . So would stood there as the crowd of his admirers thinned , but a few hung on . There are always a few who never want to leave every time Harry performs . He always is surrounded by admirers and well - wishers and people who want just to be near that voice . Finally Lewis and Harry 's father went to find us a taxi to take us back to our hotel . Harry walked over to me . ' It went well , didn 't it ? ' He smiled at me shyly and took me by the hand . A dozen people noticed that gesture . Neither Harry nor I cared . We might as well have been the only two people standing there . I drew him in and hugged him tightly . ' He 's going to manage both of us , you know . We should send Lewis to agent school . We he graduates , we can fire our current agents and let him run our careers . ' ' It means more when you say it . The others , I don 't care about . ' My world compressed to a very small area . It was as if a spotlight had narrowed in on the two of us . ' Yes , I know . But you wouldn 't lie to me . Neither you nor Lewis ever lies to me . It 's just that Lewis doesn 't understand music and you do . He 's just reacting to the excitement and all the noise around us . But you know . ' ' You were perfect . Just perfect . If I had been alone , listening to a recording , I would have been in tears over the sheer absolute beauty of it . You 're that good . ' Harry 's smile was just for me . I had never been near that much intense happiness before . I 've never seen it again . I suppose such triumphs come only once . It isn 't that Harry has gotten used to the accolades . He still receives them with surprise and wonder that he occasions them . But none of the subsequent applause has ever brought him as much joy . ' We 'd better go now . Lewis and your father must have found us a taxi by now . You need to take something for your throat and rest your voice . ' I put my arm around Harry 's shoulder and ushered him and his mother outside . Just as we stepped out the door , a taxi drove up and Lewis jumped out to hold the door open for us . Lewis 's timing is always impeccable . That night is still the benchmark performance of Mahler 's Eighth for everyone who heard it . Esterhazy arranged for Harry to repeat the performance in Vienna the next season , and they recorded it that winter . It launched Harry 's career . The words the reviewers used to describe Harry 's voice that night have been repeated over and over . Everyone remarks on how warm his voice is , how rich . How well he projects - his piano notes as audible as the forte fortissimo ones . How accurate his pitch and timing are . And above all , how intelligently and vibrantly he sings . How intensely human his voice is . Some singers never do more than sing the notes . They practice all day , and then they get up in front of an audience and they practice some more . Harry is different . He takes risks . He gives everything . Harry sings the music . That 's what he 's learned from Lewis . Some people mistakenly credit me with helping him achieve all those qualities . They 're wrong . I may have helped here and there with the technique , but it was Lewis who gave , who gives , Harry what he needs to be a singer .
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Tristan was incredibly resistant to doing his homework . It took hours to do because he claimed that he didn 't know how to do the math . I had to reteach him each step with every problem . With three children , I just don 't really have the time to dedicate to teaching him like that . I 'm trying a new approach ; I give him beans to use to count the numbers . It seems to be helping out , so I 'm optimistic . Tristan was so high energy this past week , frantically running all over the place , randomly ( and rhythmically ) ejecting loud bursts of noise ( usually roars . ) I was so exhausted from dealing with him . I felt terrible because I just had no patience and ended up yelling at him a lot . This weekend , I tried to make up for it . I let him lay in my bed with me on Friday night and I rubbed his back until he fell asleep . On Saturday , I let him come alone with me to Pennsylvania to purchase a storage unit for our dining room . He seemed really excited to leave his sisters behind . I let him get a donut from Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and he chose what we ate for lunch , as well . His behavior seemed to improve and I 'm going to make an effort to spend at least a few hours of positive alone time with him each week . I know it sounds like such an easy thing , but being as busy as I am , I don 't even really get time to myself , much less with anyone else . I think it will be worth it , though , because it did seem to make a difference this weekend . Tristan started at his new school last week . His school is absolutely wonderful . The teachers seem to genuinely care and seemed eager to understand Tristan 's particular special needs . Today , Tristan came screaming to me about this terrible insect on the fence . He described it as " yellow , with fang - things like this , " ( he put his fingers in front of his mouth like a tarantula , ) " and it 's like a bee , but no wings ! " I ran over , thinking it must be a really big termite or something . He 'd found a cicada shell . I pulled it off the fence and showed him how it was hollow inside ; no bug ! He was amazed and didn 't seem to understand where the inside had gone . It 's just so funny to me because I grew up with cicadas and never really considered it before . This is all so new to him that it 's almost like I 'm seeing it for the first time , too . On Halloween day , we spent most of the day working in the yard . Tristan grabbed the broom and sat in the middle of a leaf pile . I asked him what he was doing and he explained that he was in a boat , paddling down the water . Sometimes his imagination just cracks me up . He spent the next half hour " paddling " frantically . He even got his little sister into the " boat " along with him . They ended up playing really nicely together in our front yard for most of the day . I recently had a family member tell me how much this blog meant to her . It really surprised me because I didn 't think that many people read it , especially family members . I felt guilty because I 've done you guys a real disservice in neglecting to update . I 'm going to work hard to be better about that . We 've moved back to the mainland . I was really worried that such a drastic change would throw Tristan off , but he 's handled it pretty well . My daughter came downstairs one night after the kids had gone to sleep . She was crying and rubbing her eyes . When asked what was wrong she complained of vaginal pain . I had her lie back and examined her . She had a tiny abrasion . I figured it was from her itching ( after all , five year olds aren 't exactly champion wipers , ) but she said that Tristan had used an ink pen on her . I immediately woke Tristan up and talked to him about it . He , of course , denied everything , but when I told him Sofie said it was in the afternoon , he said " No , it wasn 't ! It was in the morning . " He ended up being confined to his room the next day and has been under close watch since then . He is not allowed to play with his sisters unsupervised . If one of them is upstairs , he stays down . If he 's upstairs , they 're downstairs . It 's exhausting , but it 's what needs to happen for everyone to stay safe . Now that we 're back on the mainland , he really seems to be thriving . He 's been playing outside almost constantly . Tristan is enjoying the cool weather and is learning new things about our new climate . Keeping busy outside really seems to help keep the bad behavior to a minimum . Now the hunt begins for a new doctor . We close on our new house on Monday and will enroll the children in school that afternoon ( hopefully , they 'll start later on the same week . ) I 'm crossing my fingers we 're able to find good doctors . Yesterday , Tristan had one of the worst tantrums he 's had in a while . It 's doesn 't even get close to the ones he had about a year ago , but he still managed to tear up his bedroom door . At the time , I thought he was throwing toys at the door , but he told me today that he was punching it . He kicked his sister and I told him to sit in time out . He refused , so I gave him a choice . He could go to time out or go to his room . He refused both . I had to call our neighbor over to watch the girls while I handled Tristan . He kicked and fought all the way up the stairs . I finally managed to get him to his room . He usually rages for a little while , then calms himself down . When he 's done raging , he knocks on the door to let me know he 's ready to come out . He didn 't knock and I went to check on him . That 's when I discovered the door . I was aghast at what I found . I simply couldn 't believe he 'd torn up another door . The door will cost $ 150 to replace . We 're moving away in a few months and the housing office isn 't going to want to fix that , they 'll just replace it . When I found it , he hid from me in his closet . I didn 't yell at him or spank him or anything . I was just so stunned . I quietly told him how upset I was and that he would not be coming down from his room for the rest of the day ( it was about 4 : 00 at the time . ) He ate his dinner in his room , then put himself to bed . This morning , C went into Tristan 's room and removed all of his toys . He 's grounded from video games for two weeks . We have a chart with money values on it and he will do chores to work off the $ 150 for the door . Honestly , I 'm not really sure what else to do . I can 't decide if it 's too harsh or not harsh enough . The last time he tore up the door , he was six and was very ill . We didn 't make a big deal out of it because he ended up going into the hospital . This time , he 's old enough to understand and face the consequences of his actions . We 're still going to our ASL classes . It 's moving very quickly and it can be hard to keep up . I think it 's been easier to get Tristan to understand what I 'm wanting from him when we use sign along with telling him orally . We implemented a sticker chart for him . He earns one happy face every hour that he does a good job . He decided that he wanted to work towards earning a wooden sword like his best friend has . He worked very hard and ended up earning that wooden sword ! He was so proud of himself . The class was taught by a deaf woman . She didn 't speak , but instead taught through a combination of signing , gestures , written words and pictures . At first I was a little worried since I have no ASL , but I think it really helped me to understand all the nonverbal cues in ASL . It 's not just moving your fingers , it 's using your whole body , your face included . When signing " hot , " you make a face like you burned yourself . " Eat up " is gestured while your mouth makes the motion for " up , " or swallowing , whatever way you look at it . The positioning of the fingers and hands is so important . A single finger out of place or an extra motion can change the meaning completely . We 're just taking a basic class right now , but after we move , I want to enroll in another class to expand what I 'm learning now . I am really enjoying the class and I really think it will help Tristan to see the words as well as hear them . We start ASL tomorrow ! The School for the Deaf called me back last week and offered family classes in American Sign Language for Tristan for $ 50 . I immediately accepted . The only downside is that the baby can 't go and I had to find a sitter for her . The classes are in the evenings , so bedtime routine is going to be messed up , but I 'm willing to do that once a week to help Tristan communicate better . Ms . C . , the play therapist , highly recommended that we find a program for him this summer because he 'll get bored with unstructured time and that could be a trigger . It 's looking like there 's no way out of shelling out $ 1000 over the summer for the program . I should have a final decision made about summer programs by the end of this week . I think he 'll be going to Kama ' aina Kids , which has offered to take him on without the aid on a trial basis . I think he 'll be just fine as long as he 's kept busy . Tristan 's been relatively irritable lately . Tonight , we went out as a family to The Cheesecake Factory . Tristan did so well . I looked him straight in the eye and told him how well he had done . He smiled , then asked for some chocolate cake . I don 't usually get deserts at restaurants , but made an exception because of his excellent behavior . I put in a phone call to a local day care that also does day camp . I 'm waiting on a call back from their care coordinator to find out if they 're equipped to handle Tristan 's special needs . I don 't know if they 'll be able to provide his medication if I do enroll him . I 'm also waiting on a phone call from a resource here that is looking into programs for hearing impaired children . I 'm crossing my fingers they can help . I called Military One Source last night . I got hung up on after being on hold for ten minutes . I was so frustrated I wanted to cry . Anyway , I got an email from them this morning that announced they had been unable to find anything in the area . It contained a list of places I could call to ask about day camp . Honestly , I feel like I wasted time calling One Source . I could have gotten that list myself off the internet . If we do find something that is willing to take Tristan , I worry about the cost . We 're looking at a minimum of $ 1000 . We 'll have to dip into our savings account to pay for this . I was hoping there would be some resources to help us , but I 'm not feeling too hopeful at this point . As usual , we went to the play therapist on Friday . Tristan and I had a Mommy / Son session . We started with a foot massage ( for him ) and I told him all the good things he had done over the last week . Since we 'd had a rough week , it took me a few minutes to come up with a lot of good things . I felt terrible about that because I know it must feel awful to only be scolded . I was reminded that when I do acknowledge Tristan for his good behavior , I need to make eye contact because of his hearing impairment . We saw Tristan 's psychiatrist yesterday and we discussed the difficulties of the last week . He was of the opinion that perhaps the vog ( volcanic smoke / ash smog ) or the pollen was causing allergies which exacerbated his symptoms . I guess that 's feasible , considering it 's almost exactly a year to the day that Tristan was admitted to the hospital . Anyways , today was a rough day , with him tantruming all day . He was incredibly resistant to doing his homework . Everything was a trigger . We tried to get him to calm down , but he just screamed . My mother - in - law is visiting and yesterday we did not get home until after 8 p . m . We didn 't realize we would be out that late , so we didn 't bring Tristan 's evening medication . He fell asleep in the car on the way home and wouldn 't be wakened no matter how hard we tried . So we ended up not giving him his medication last night and it may have effected his behavior today . We 've seldom missed any doses and I can 't ever recall missing his evening dose . All medication was given on time today , so we 'll see if it makes any difference in his behavior . He came home and seemed okay . As soon as I told him it was time for homework , he immediately flung himself on the floor and from that point , the day went downhill . I put him in his room , where he flung things at the door and kicked and screamed . Then he calmed down and asked to come out . This happened about three or four times before I finally insisted that he take a nap . He screamed and thrashed around . He didn 't even really have a reason to rage . He was in his room screaming " Shut up ! " over and over again . I have no idea who he was screaming at since everyone else was downstairs . I 'm going to mention it to Dr . M the next time we go . Summer is a mere few weeks away and I have no idea how I 'm going to keep my sanity . We 'll be moving in a few months , so pressing the issue with the school district ( which does NOT provide services in spite of the fact that he exhibits symptoms at school , ) is probably not worth . I 'm going to look into some programs and see if I can 't find anything remotely affordable . I love Mother 's Day . I don 't love it because of breakfast in bed or jewelry , because I don 't get those things . In fact , since Chris has to work tomorrow , I won 't even get a break . After the fiasco with the stash in the car , I tore apart Tristan 's room . He had things stashed all over the place . I cleaned his toy box out . I hit his closet where I found dirty laundry and a huge stash of soiled pull ups . Tristan still wets the bed . We don 't make a big deal out of it since he 's on medication that really knocks him out at night . We put him in Good Nites to make him as comfortable as we can while he 's sleeping . It also cuts down on laundry and reduces damage to his bed . We 've tried to just let him go to bed without the Good Nites , but he sleeps soundly til the morning regardless . Being wet just doesn 't wake him up . Anyways , I pulled everything away from the wall and went through every square inch of his room . I finally found the hearing aid stashed behind his toy box . I was so relieved to find it . We checked it out to make sure it was still working , and it was just fine . The past two or three days have been relatively uneventful tantrum - wise , thankfully . We saw Dr . M on Thursday and I expressed my desire to leave Tristan 's medication alone for the time being . I told him also that if we decided that the medication does not work , then instead of adding anything , I 'd like to try something new . Dr . M completely agreed with me and was supportive of my plan . We saw the play therapist , C . , on Friday , as usual . She wanted us to have a mother / son session , and since my husband was there to watch the girls , I agreed . She started us off by having me give Tristan a foot massage . He seemed to enjoy it but wouldn 't look me in the eye while I was rubbing his feet . After the foot massage , she wanted me to cradle him and just hold him . He was having none of that . I guess he wasn 't into being treated like a baby . I know I personally feel very vulnerable in the prone position like that . We played with the doll house for the remainder of the session . Tristan made up a very elaborate story about our family running up the hill away from a terrible storm . In the story , Tristan flew himself , Daisy ( our dog ) , his middle sister , S . , and his goldfish in a helicopter up the hill . My husband , myself and the baby , W . , rode in a police car ( which was supposed to be a regular car in the story , ) up the hill . He had to fix the car and the house in the story . C . pronounced that Tristan is working on " fixing things " internally . This morning , Tristan woke up on the wrong side of the bed . He argued almost constantly and about everything until finally , I told him I wasn 't taking him to his baseball game in such a mood . I told him that he needed to stop arguing and back - talking and I would reconsider . He started screaming and thrashing around , no matter how much I tried talking to him and explaining what he needed to do to be allowed to go . That was a complete failure . He ended up throwing an enormous tantrum . He went to his room for a while to calm down and came down in a better mood . In related news , we discovered he 's beenPosted by Overall , I really do think Tristan is doing better . His behavior is still swinging from one extreme to the other , but he 's calm and stable more often than he has been in a long time . If he doesn 't take his medication right on time , we 're in for a bad time . He gets really revved up right before medication time and I 've given him the medication up to half an hour early just to keep things calm . Our insurance company 's patient advocate called a few days ago and I complained to her about the school system . Tristan has a letter on file explaining what needs to be done should he have a meltdown and remove his clothing . He has had tactile hallucinations involving seeing bugs crawling over his body and removes his clothing when that happens . Anyhoo , the patient advocate told me that he should NOT have a letter , he should have a 504 and services should be provided because of his illness . Honestly , I 've been fighting with the school system for a while . They insist that his mental illness does not affect him in school . That 's obviously not the case if he 's removing his clothing in a classroom setting . I 'm so tired of fighting the system I don 't think I 'm going to pursue it further . We also have less than a month left of school and we 're moving before the new school year . We 've been watching The Princess and the Frog pretty much daily the last four days . I bought it for S . as a treat and she loves it . Tristan is scared by the character of Dr . Facilier , the Voodoo Man . Honestly , I don 't really blame him - that dude is scary ! He also didn 't understand where Ray went when he was squished by Dr . Facilier . I tried to explain that Ray went up to the stars to be with Evangeline , but he didn 't get it . I don 't think Disney did any body any favors when they had that character squished . Appointment with Dr . M tomorrow . I hope we 're done tweaking Tristan 's meds , but of course I 'll update with any changes . Tristan and I had a play therapy session together yesterday . We discussed touching and then made masks . He made a bad guy mask with many eyes while I made a green , freckled mask with policeman sunglasses . C . asked me what my mask was , so told her it was a " pickle policeman . " We played out that the pickle policeman arrested the many eyed bad guy and locked him up in a lock box . It was pretty fun . We 've been having some extreme behavior . Over all , he 's doing pretty well . Yesterday , he threw a tantrum because he didn 't want to sit in time out for kicking his friend . After the tantrum , I let him out of his room and put him back in time out . He seemed shocked I wanted him to sit in time out after throwing such a tantrum . I don 't know why he would be shocked or confused about that - it isn 't anything new . Anyway - extreme behavior . . . He 's been going from doing great and having no issues to suddenly exploding and having a major tantrum . I think I like it better this way than the tantrums broken up by constant movement and defiance . He 's also been saying things like " I have to beat up _____ , " when he gets upset with someone . He hasn 't actually done it , so I am thankful for that . Maybe he 's just expressing how he feels so he doesn 't hit anyone . If that 's the case , I 'm proud of him for being able to express that . Now he 's playing Logo , a computer game designed to teach children how to program , with his dad and sister . He doesn 't usually have the patience to play a game like that . I really do think we 're on the up . I 'm feeling optimistic . Tristan had a great day ! He came home , had snack and did his homework with little trouble . He was able to play outside for a little while before baseball practice . He got in trouble for throwing rocks ( which he knows is strictly forbidden , ) and sat in time out like he was supposed to - no tantrums ! Still no sign of his hearing aid . Last Thursday , he did not pick up his hearing aid when I asked him to , and his baby sister picked up the hearing aid off the floor and sucked on it . The battery compartment opened and she swallowed the battery . Needless to say , we had an hasty run to the emergency room where a quick x - ray revealed the battery floating in her tummy . We were all terrified and I think it really impacted Tristan more than I initially thought . His teacher called me yesterday and told me that he 'd been talking about it at school . We talked for a minute and it occurred to me that maybe he had hidden the hearing aid . I 've scoured his room to no avail . I asked him about it and he admitted that maybe he had hidden it , but couldn 't recall where he put it . I 've been telling him that we 're not angry at him and it wasn 't his fault that the baby ate the battery , but that it 's important not to leave his hearing aid lying around . It 's hard to say exactly what 's going on in his head , but I 'm hoping he doesn 't feel guilty . I 'm just hoping that hearing aid shows up soon , otherwise we 're going to have to shell out a couple thousand dollars for a new one . The play therapist gave me The Very Touching Book to read to Tristan . It 's a book about the three kinds of touching ; good , bad and secret . She felt it would help him understand the right way to touch his sisters and I . Tristan tends to be aggressive with his touching . He has an almost constant need to rub and touch people and it can border on the inappropriate . His psychiatrist feels it 's a symptom of his bipolar and that seems to fit . Anyways , reading that book this evening made me feel like a twelve year old boy . I really tried , but I couldn 't help but laugh . The drawings are anatomically correct and seem a bit graphic . The preface at the beginning of the book explained that it 's important to empower children with information about their own bodies , which I completely agree with . It 's just difficult to encourage the kids to say " penis " over and over again until there were no more " purple faces . " Of course , the only purple face was mine . C . , his play therapist , wants us to start him on the token reward system again . Basically , for every set period of time he stays on task and follows the rules , he gets a token ( or sticker , etc . ) He can use those tokens to " purchase " video game time , trampoline time , story time , or special snacks or time with one parent , etc . It really works well for Tristan , and I do think that most kids do well with such tangible , positive reinforcement . We have a stash of poker chips that we use for this purpose . Tristan likes to hold his tokens in his pocket and to count them . We 're going to start the system again as soon as we have a down day . Tristan lost his hearing aid . He 's severely hearing impaired on the left side and he really needs that hearing aid to get the most out of his classes . I 'm really hoping it turns up soon , because those bad boys are expensive ! I 'm hesitant to write this post because I 'm still optimistic that today will be better . Tristan had one HELL of a day yesterday . He seemed okay on the way home . Once we got home , I ran the baby up to her bed for a nap , then ran back outside to unload groceries while Tristan and his sister hung out in the living room . While outside , I heard S let out a blood curdling scream and I ran back inside . Tristan had bitten the crap out of her ! When asked , neither one was sure why he had bitten her . He couldn 't explain and apparently , there was no disagreement prior to the biting . When I attempted to put him in time out , it was the beginning of a two hour battle . He screamed , thrashed and broke things . He back flipped off the couch . It was terrible . He would calm down just to find something new ( and ridiculous ) to rage about . When he finally calmed down , he sat in time - out for biting S . His play therapist called ( I swear , that woman has ESP or something , ) and told me that she thought he might be attempting to manipulate his way out of time out and homework and that I was handling the situation well . That 's always good to hear because I worry that I could be handling things better . The rest of the day was pretty intense with defiance , and resistance to just about everything , but he didn 't have any more tantrums . . . until 3 a . m . He woke up S by climbing into her bed at 3 a . m . She came and got us because he is not allowed to sleep in her room due to his past behaviors towards her . He did not want to go back to his room and had another tantrum for another hour . He screamed and started pounding on the floor . C ran into the room to stop the pounding since we have neighbors that share a wall and we didn 't want to wake them or their children . He finally went back to sleep at 5 a . m . , only to wake up half an hour later . I 'm pretty sure he 'll come home from school in a foul temper , grouchy from lack of sleep and already angry . I can only home he comes home in a good mood . If not , he 'll certainly be taking a nap after he gets home . We 'll see hiPosted by New medication change . Good grief - let 's hope this works ! I 'm pretty sick of tinkering with Tristan 's meds . So , to recap , Tristan is currently on : 100 mg Seroquel at 7 a . m . 50 extended release Seroquel at 12 noon . 100 mg Seroquel at 3 pm200 mg Seroquel at 6150 mg Depakote at 6That is a ton of medication ! Anyways , towards the end of the day , Tristan had been having a tough time winding down . It was somersaults all over the living room again . The doctor theorized that it was at the end of the 18 hour window for the Depakote , and prescribed a little dose of Depakote to get him through the rest of the day . It seems to be helping and the somersaults and frenzied , frantic movements have stopped . At this point , if this doesn 't work , I want to try something new instead of adding anything new into his current regime . It seems like an enormous amount of medication and he 's only seven years old . Tristan had a pretty good weekend . He had a baseball game in Kaneohe and I think the whole family enjoyed sitting out on the grass with the gentle sea breeze . He got hit by the ball at one point , but walked it off . He was so happy to be playing baseball and kept looking over to see if I was watching him . We had baseball pictures taken on Monday and batting practice afterwards . He kept asking me if I was proud of the way he played . I told him over and over again that I was proud of him no matter what , whether he played baseball or not . Sometimes we all need to hear that we 're loved no matter what , and he is no exception . He really is an awesome kid . Today , I dropped by Tristan 's school to talk to the nurse about his new medication routine . To my surprise , the nurse had a son , now 19 , who had been misdiagnosed as ADHD and struggled for most of his late childhood and adolescence before being diagnosed as bipolar . She said the difference after mood stabilizers was " night and day . " Her struggle and heartbreak sounded eerily similar to mine . In the past few years , there has been a backlash against ADHD / ADD as a diagnosis in children . I 've had doctors tell me that they 're finding that more children are being ( possibly ) misdiagnosed as bipolar because the symptoms are so similar to those of ADHD / ADD . Bipolar is now the " in " diagnosis to get . I don 't think this is occurring because of a trend ; I think doctors are getting better at diagnosing bipolar disorder . It was once thought that bipolar was an " adult " disease . Here 's a list of bipolar symptoms in children : * irritability * silliness , goofiness , giddiness * fidgetiness / restlessness * hyperactivity * rages / explosive temper tantrums * racing thoughts * aggressive behavior * oppositional behavior * defiance * isolation from peers * learning disabilities * compulsive behaviors * excessive daydreaming * lack of organization * destruction of property * rapid or pressured speech * hypersexualitySymptoms of ADD / ADHD : * talks excessively * fidgeting / squirming * daydreaming * rages / explosive temper tantrums ( typically borne out of frustration or overstimulation ) * irritability * hyperactivity * lack of organization * aggressive behavior * rapid , sometimes inappropriate speech * isolation from peersIt 's easy to see why bipolar disorder can be confused with ADD / ADHD . The main difference , to me , is that the ADD / ADHD symptoms are constant , whereas the bipolar waxes and wanes . The treatment for ADD / ADHD ( stimulants ) can often exacerbate bipolar symptoms . Of course , many doctors and parents may come to the conclusion that the medication isn 't working and will run the gamut of stimulant medications . It is working , of course , just not the way it was expected to . Bipolar medication in ADPosted by C took Tristan to see Dr . M yesterday . He came home with a new prescription . Apparently , taking the medication ( Seroquel ) in the morning and at 3 p . m . is leaving a huge gap , allowing symptoms to break - through . Tristan will be taking an extended release version of Seroquel while at school , so he doesn 't come home amped up . We 'll be starting the new dosage tomorrow and of course I will update here if there is a discernable difference . I 'm really hoping it works because even C was frazzled by Tristan 's homework tantrum today , and he didn 't even have to handle it alone , as I usually do . We managed to make it to Tristan 's baseball practice today . He is so good ! I never get over how he can hit the ball so well , even when it 's pitched by machine . As we were walking back to the car he said , " Mama , did you see me hit the ball ? ! I hit the ball a lot of times ! Did you see , Mama ? " He was so excited and skipped along next to me , holding my hand . The baseball game on Saturday is out in Kaneohe . I am not looking forward to driving out there , but wouldn 't miss a single game when he enjoys it so much . This is his fourth season of baseball and as long as he keeps enjoying it , we 'll keep going . Oh , what a day ! Tristan came home from school in rare form . His communication notebook had nothing written in it , so he must have had an okay day at school . I let him get a snack as soon as we got home , like every other day . After snack , he refused to do his homework , telling me , " I 'm scared . " When asked what he was scared of , he stated , " My homework scares me . " This is a new excuse . I tried helping him , but he started to scream and cry . He threw himself on the floor and thrashed around . I gave him the option to calm down and do his homework , or go to his room to calm down . He just continued to scream , so I picked him up ( not an easy task , ) and took him to his room . Once in his room , he kicked the door and jumped up and down on the floor for about thirty minutes . After he calmed down , he knocked on his door , which is the way he tells me he 's calm . Even after he was calm , he was still incredibly defiant . Everything I asked him to do , he said , " No , " to , regardless of what it was . I gave him his medication on time and could tell when it started to work , because he happily sat down and did his homework without so much as a peep . He has an appointment with Dr . M tomorrow and I 'm going to see if we can 't adjust the time he gets his medication , or maybe see if there 's an extended release version . I 've been alone for the past three days , since C had to work over the weekend . He had another work thing to do today , so I was alone with the kids for two hours today . I think I just needed a break , because my patience had just worn out and I didn 't handle Tristan as well as I could have . I almost wished that I smoked so I could take a five minute breather away from the kids , just to unwind for a minute . After C came home , I went to our room for a few minutes and read something frivolous and light . I made our Easter dinner today since C wasn 't home for Easter . I made a ham and Tristan started dancing around the kitchen asking if I was making bacon . Tristan loves bacon ( but then again , who doesn 't love bacon ? ) He didn 't seem to understaPosted by Easter Morning . The kids were really excited that I let them eat chocolate for breakfast . They both went for the giant hollow chocolate bunny . C . gave the baby a lollipop which subsequently attracted every piece of carpet fuzz and dirt in a 50 foot radius . She still cried when I tried to take it from her . We 've had a difficult morning with Tristan rolling somersaults across the living room again . I gave him five chances to stop rolling across the floor before I finally grounded him . . . on Easter . I realize it may seem a little ridiculous to be up in arms about a somersault , but he has kicked both his sisters and myself in the face while somersaulting . It doesn 't feel good and he actually made the baby bleed . He continued to roll around on the floor , so I gave him the choice to walk to his room for a time - out or to be carried / dragged by me to his room . He immediately began protesting , which turned to blood curdling screams as I picked him up to take him to his room . I locked the door behind me ( we have the lock on the outside for these reasons . ) He began to jump up and down , making as much noise as possible , while screaming and pounding on the walls and door . When we went to see Dr . M last week , he suggested we give Tristan his medication in a different schedule ; 100 mg Seroquel at 7 a . m . , 100 mg Seroquel at 3 p . m . , then 200 mg at 6 p . m . along with his Depakote . He wanted to try that to see if he 'd do better if he was covered by the Seroquel all day . I 'm not sure it 's working because he sure has had a tough time lately with listening to and following directions and being still . His movements have been frantic and frenzied . Yesterday , we had the first baseball game of the season . Tristan did very well , hitting on the second pitch . He 's the youngest kid on his team , having turned seven after the season started . All the other kids are seven and eight years old . He 's not the smallest kid on the team , though . He 's always been on the bigger side , being taller than average . He seems to have a knack for baseball , which he didn ' tPosted by Tristan did get his medication this morning , but he still came home to turn somersaults and cartwheels in the living room . I 'm wondering what 's going on with him . Homework has been a battle . We do thirty minutes and take a break . If he 's in a good mindset , we attempt to do more homework after that , but he frequently isn 't . Yesterday , I went to pick up some baseball socks and new clothes for the girls . When I left , Tristan was sobbing hysterically on the floor screaming that he couldn 't do his homework . I called 45 minutes later and Tristan was still screaming . I asked C . if Tristan had stopped at all , but he apparently had been screaming the entire time . I got home about a half hour later and opened the front door to find Tristan rolling around on the floor screaming . He wasn 't even really sure what he was screaming about at that point . I asked him if there was something he wanted . He mumbled something about wanting a banana . " Well , have a banana , then , Tristan , " I said , " but then , you need to go back to your homework . " " But it 's too HARD , Mommy ! I can 't do it ! I don 't know how ! " He screamed . " They gave you homework that you weren 't taught in class ? You 've never seen this kind of work ? " I asked . He nodded , but it tentative , not enthusiastic , so I knew he was lying . I gave the homework another shot , but he started throwing himself on the floor and screaming , so I threw in the towel . I hate just giving in because I know that 's EXACTLY what he was aiming for , but we have to pick our battles with Tristan . He lost the privilege to play outside for the day because of the homework situation . I hate doing that because he needs to be able to run off some of his energy . We also have an arrangement with his teachers that if his homework is incomplete , he stays inside during recess to complete it . I just don 't get it . I know he can do his homework . I know he must hate missing out on playing with his friends . We have an appointment with Dr . M , his psychiatrist , tomorrow , so I guess we 'll come up with a game plan then . We got up late yesterday and forgot to give Tristan 's medication . Whoa , mama , was it obvious when he came home . I figured he had enough medication in his system that one morning wouldn 't make a difference , but I was so wrong . He came home from school and proceeded to turn somersaults in the living room and flip backwards over the couch for two hours . No matter how much I yelled , he just couldn 't help himself . My couch is feeling the pain and I think I 'm going to get a new one when we move in September . Any time I asked him to bring his toys upstairs , he attempted to get his sister to go with him . Since he often behaves inappropriately towards her if he thinks I 'm not watching , that didn 't fly . I ended up giving him the medication so he could go to baseball without too much trouble . He had a good practice so it must have worked . I had a meeting with his teachers this morning as to what the plan is if he has another tactile hallucination . Basically , the plan is ; talk to him , if that doesn 't work , remove him from the room . If he strips off his clothing , he goes to the nurse and I get a phone call . That 's what they do already , but now it 's written down so all of his teachers are on the same page . I personally think they are supposed to be redoing his IEP and 504 because his bipolar disorder is now affecting him in school , but they made sure to reiterate that the meeting this morning is NOT an IEP meeting . I don 't get these people . Tristan is hearing impaired AND has a language processing disorder , but his speech pathologist refuses to teach him any signing to help him out , saying he 's " too vocal " and they don 't want him to be reliant on signing . Instead they 're teaching him things like " above , below , before . " Those words will really help him when he 's frustrated because he can 't express himself . * insert eye roll here * I 've battled them since last year to provide services inhome because of his bipolar . The insurance doesn 't cover it , saying it 's the responsibility of the school . The school says since it doesn 't affect him Posted by We got a " This is not a bill " bill from the hospital stay a few weeks ago . To recap , a few weeks ago , Tristan had a tactile hallucination at school that ants were crawling all over him and he promptly stripped his clothing off in the classroom . Thankfully , he was in his special education classes at the time and there were only four children there at the time ( and I 'm inclined to think they might be used to unusual behavior . ) His psychiatrist urged us to take him to the ER , which we did . The ER persuaded us to allow him to be admitted . We had already been discussing having Tristan admitted for 7 days to introduce depakote quickly in a safe setting , so we agreed . Unfortunately , his doctor was called away on emergency leave to the mainland the same day Tristan was admitted , so we were at the mercy of the doctors at the hospital . Tristan 's birthday was the following week and we promised him he would not be in the hospital for his birthday . And why should he be ; he wasn 't unsafe . We admitted him with the understanding that he was there simply to begin the depakote . We expressed that to the admitting nurse , his social worker ( at the hospital , ) and the attending doctor . They initially agreed , but the doctor decided he didn 't want to do it that way . Dr . B wanted to take him off all his medications and start fresh . We did that last year when Tristan was hospitalized for four months while I argued with doctors . At that unit , they took him off his mood stabilizers and put him on Concerta . Their theory was that Tristan was " merely " ADHD and the Concerta would control his symptoms . They kept insisting that " bipolar diagnosis in children is very controversial and we don 't like to put that name on it . " My thinking was , if it fits , why wouldn 't you put that name on it ? When the Concerta didn 't work , they attempted to teach him behavioral management skills . They did this for FOUR months while I kept telling them that it wasn 't working . He was having just as many , if not more , violent outbursts . ( Let me tell you , hearing your six year oPosted by Tristan is seven years old and has bipolar disorder . He 's been hospitalized twice , once for four months . He 's currently on a medication regime that includes Seroquel and Depakote and it seems to be working . I 'm starting this blog because I know there are other families out there that are dealing with this same thing . Families that may not understand the treatment options or how to handle doctors with nasty cases of " God Complex . " It 's not easy . People have told me everything from " You just don 't love him enough , " to " It 's food allergies . If he were on the proper diet , he would not have these problems . " It 's heartbreaking to hear these things from people , especially people who love you . People could never understand what 's it 's like dealing with a child with bipolar disorder unless they have lived it . It 's not about loving your child enough or being ineffective with discipline . It 's a documented medical problem that isn 't treated by spanking or more attention . It needs medication to manage , much like diabetes . Sometimes I watch Tristan and I can see the turmoil going on inside his mind . His mind is so unquiet and it breaks my heart that he 's going through this and I can 't fix it . Managing Tristan and his sisters every day can be very difficult . It 's hard to balance the attention he needs with the attention his sisters need . At the end of the day , I am often so exhausted that there isn 't anything left for me . But I know this is worth it . The medication , the strict adherence to routine , the doctor 's appointments , the therapy , it helps him manage his illness and it is worth every moment that he is not in turmoil or pain .
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Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , December 20 , 2008 Dynisha loves to sing . She has a beautiful singing voice , too . She asked me how old you have to be to enter American Idol . When I told her that she would have to be sixteen she was sorely disappointed . I promised her that if American Idol was still going when she turned sixteen that I would take her to audition myself . She sings in the choir at school . It seems like it 's fairly active . The sang at the Knoxville Fantasy of Trees , Linda Brown Realty Open House , the Oak Ridge Tree Lighting Ceremony , and are the Oak Ridge City Christmas Parade on December 13 . I 'm glad she loves to sing . I 've been singing since I could talk . It gives us a common bond . I have had a great many opportunities due to my voice . I hope that she will have the same experience . Christmas time seems to be teeming with kidisms . Jamie seems to come out with new things every day . I just love it . I need to be more on the ball about writing them down because I forget them when I go to document them . This time flies by so quickly . I don 't want to forget any little thing . There 's a Progressive insurance commercial where Santa Claus goes into the Progressive office to get insurance . He has a big dog with antlers strapped on his head . When Jamie saw this commercial he said , " Silly puppy is a moose ! " There was a commercial for a Conair finger nail decorating machine of some sort on TV . It put glitter and jewels on fingernails . Jamie said that he wanted that . I told him that it was for girls and he said , " I want a boy one . " Jamie 's new favorite phrase is , " I 'm a big boy . " We got him a little white pre - lit tree for his playroom and let him decorate it himself . When he ran into a little trouble wrapping the garland around the tree I jumped in to give him a bit of assistance . He said , " You 're helping me mommy ? You 're a big girl . " Today when I was cooking breakfast in the kitchen Jamie pretended to play hopscotch on the tiles . He played hopscotch right out of the kitchen . It was really cute . A few days ago McKalah and Hayden spent the night . After McKalah went to school , Jamie and I had Hayden all to ourselves . Jamie was kind of enamored by him . He would look at him and kiss him . He calls him " Kalah 's baby . " I asked him if he wanted a baby . He said , " Yeah , but I don 't have a baby in my tummy . " He actually gets scared when the baby cries . It makes him jump and he gets a little panicked . " Hurry , Mommy , hurry ! ! ! " He covers his ears and hides . Jamie has been steadfast about his Christmas wish for Santa . He wants " animal eggs , " which is a animal matching game that has egg halves that hide the animals . It comes in an egg carton . Jamie still has an obsession with eggs . He also wants chocolate . When I ask him what else he wants for Christmas he says , " Just games . " Blah Blah Blah by I put the Christmas tree up . I 'm not sure who is more excited about it , Jamie or the cats . I think maybe the cats . They keep playing in it , much to my dismay . Ornaments are flying all over my house . Last night one of the cats got so tangled in the Christmas lights that I was afraid we would have to cut them to get him out . Usually , I would have done it without much thought , but this tree is pre - lit and would permanently destroy our tree . We managed to twist the cat until we could dislodge him from the lights . I 'm just glad he got them wrapped around his rear . If it had been his neck we would have been forced to ruin the tree . After we got the little booger untangled he went right back to his mission of destroying the tree . I wish I had some way of keeping the cats out of our living room . We decorated the tree with garland made from pipe cleaners and there 's lots of little salt dough ornaments . I also put the usual balls and trinket ornaments . I put an old star on top . It was one that my grandmother had . I have no idea how old it is , but it 's probably older than I am . Putting up the star was a challenge . I finally accomplished the feat with pipe cleaners . I always put apples on the tree as a throwback from my own childhood . When I was little my favorite book was Johnny Appleseed . For the first few years that I could talk , I called the Christmas tree my apple tree . I was delighted when Jamie saw the tree and the first thing he exclaimed was , " Look at the apples ! " I need to find that book . I can 't believe I 've never told him the story of Johnny Appleseed . I finally got more salt dough ornaments done . I ended up making way more dough than we had the time and patience to make ornaments with in one setting . I put the extra dough in baggies and pressed out as much air as I could to try to preserve the dough for more ornament making later . I 'm not sure how effective that will be in keeping the dough from hardening , but it was worth a shot . I put the dough in the baggies yesterday afternoon and so far they still feel pliable . Matthew , Jamie , and I made decorations together last night . I fell asleep before they were done baking and Matthew pulled them out of the oven for me . They are not quite done . You can tell by the dark areas . I will have to bake them some more later . Well , we decided to get a used washer because a new one just isn 't in our budget right now . Big mistake . I was so excited to get all the laundry done at my house and happily put in the first load . I went to check on it and it never stopped running . Our entire garage was flooded ! There was a shoe box gently floating in the middle of the garage . Jamie was very excited to see a swimming pool in the house . He was sorely disappointed when he couldn 't go out there and play . We ended up having to completely empty our garage . This was no small task because my husband and I are notorious pack rats and we had soooo much junk piled in there . Not only that , we keep our cat litter boxes in the garage and the cats kick litter into the floor frequently . That created a nice swampy mess . It took us many hours to empty the garage and vacuum up the water with a shop vac . My husband took off work early to help me . We were both frozen to the bone and wet . The temperature was only about 30 degrees . We got another washer and around 9 : 30pm I was finally able to start doing laundry , albeit nervously . The washer is noisy but everything seems to be working fine . I think I 'll spring for that new front loader when we get our income taxes in , though . We 'll see . There 's a lot of stuff we need and we may get used to this noisy little addition to our household . I just thank God that our washer is in our garage and not in the house . Could you imagine the mess on our hardwood floors ? ? ? Despite the chaos I kept a promise I made to Jamie and we made our first set of ornaments this evening . I 'll post them tomorrow because I want to make more in different colors before I put up the pictures . For the last few weeks Jamie has complained about " sounds in his wall " . At first I thought he was dreaming , imagining things , or just plain making something up so he doesn 't have to go to bed . Tonight he said there was an " eek " in his walls and he obviously was hearing something that I am not hearing . He had his fingers in his ears and said he was scared . I listened as hard as I could , but I didn 't hear anything . He insists it 's there and I believe he is hearing something that bothers and scares him . I just wish I knew what it was . I remember that my little brothers used to complain about that room . They used to think there was ghosts and my parents were convinced of the same . I 've lived in this house my whole life and it is not haunted . I 'm sure of that , but now I wonder if there is something in that room that makes a sound that the boys heard when they were little and that my little boy is hearing now . Further investigation is certainly necessary . I think it would be really fun to make ornaments with Jamie this year . I could try all three recipes and see how they turn out , then he could make gifts for the family with the best recipe ! I 'll post pictures when we do it . * * * * ALL OF THESE ARE NONEDIBLE * * * * White Ornament Clay - 2 Cups Baking Soda - 1 Cup Cornstarch - 1 ¼ Cups WaterCook ingredients in a saucepan over medium heat until mixture is too thick to stir . Let dough cool until it can be handled , then knead dough until smooth . Keep wrapped in plastic when not being used . Roll dough out to approximately 1 / 8 inch thick ( dough that is too thick will crack as it dries ) . Cut ornaments out with cookie cutters . Make a hole for hanging using a straw . Dry on a cookie sheet for two days , turning periodically . Rough edges can be sanded using fine sandpaper or an emery board . Finished ornaments can be painted . This white Christmas ornament clay recipe has replaced the old stand - by salt dough recipe in many homes and craft projects . White ornament clay dries to a matte white finish which is ideal for snowflake Christmas ornaments . Glitter can be mixed into the Christmas ornament dough when it is kneaded , for a shimmering finish that requires no more care or painting when the Christmas ornament dries . Food coloring can be added for colored Christmas ornaments . Finish these craft dough Christmas ornaments with a length of shiny colored thread or twine that coordinates nicely with the white finish and added glitter . Children can also glue shiny embellishments , beads and more to their finished Christmas ornament gifts . Cinnamon - Applesauce Craft Dough - 1 ½ Cups ground Cinnamon - 1 Cup Applesauce - ¼ Cup White School GlueCombine ingredients in a small bowl . Add water if the dough is too stiff , a little at a time ( be careful not to overdo it ) . Knead mixture for five to ten minutes . Return mixture to bowl an let sit for about half an hour . Roll dough to a thickness of ¼ to 1 / 8 inches . Cut with cookie cutters . Make holes for hanging with a straw . Cover a wire rack with a paper toweBlah Blah Blah by Our anniversary was quite a day . I fixed a good lunch with the steaks I thawed . They were great . Then we loaded up the laundry and headed to my in - laws house . Our wash machine is still broke and we can 't get another one until tomorrow ( pay day ) . On the way to their house we had a blow out . The tire actually blew out the side . We were on a busy hill and it was kind of scary trying to change the tire , praying we didn 't get run over . We managed to get the spare on and got to my in - laws . We did laundry and hung out there for a few hours . When we were finally done , we loaded the baskets in the van to head home . We didn 't get far before that spare came right off the rim . Arg . Matt 's dad managed to get it back on and aired up properly . While all this was going on , Matt 's friend called and offered to come pick us up and take us to the movies . We decided to take him up on his offer . We went and saw The Haunting of Molly Hartley . I wanted to see The Secret Lives of Bees or Changeling . We originally purchased tickets for Changeling but the girl at the counter used to go to school with Matt and she talked us out of going since that movie ended last and she could leave work early if nobody went to see it . The Secret Lives of Bees started later and we didn 't want to wait forever . I begrudgingly changed our selection and I wish I hadn 't . The build up of the movie was good , but the ending was a big let down . It kind of felt like the writers didn 't know what to do so they just ended the movie . We had the theater all to ourselves and that was kind of nice . There was one small problem . I had to use the ladies room about every 30 minutes . I had to get up from the movie twice and thought I was going to have an accident trying to get to the ladies room when it ended . I also went just before we went in . I don 't know what 's going on with that . I didn 't drink much . I didn 't even finish my drink at the movies . We got back to my in - laws house around midnight . My in - laws stay up very late . Jamie was asleep , of course . I stayed a little while Blah Blah Blah by My eighth wedding anniversary is tomorrow . I was hoping this year we would be able to go on a vacation , or at least get a cabin for the weekend in Gatlinburg . Not this year . We have no plans . The biggest plans I 've been able to make are the four steaks I have thawing in the fridge . We 're not even getting a sitter for Jamie . I 'm not even sure my husband is going to take off work . Just another day . Blah Blah Blah by October 14th was Dynisha 's 9th birthday and November 9th was Brianna 's 12th birthday . On October 14th I baked cupcakes and took them to my in - laws house so that Dynisha 's birthday would not go uncelebrated . Her Mamaw and great - grandfather were visiting , so it was a little bit of a party . Yesterday ( October 9th ) , they threw a joint party for the two girls . They let them invite one child from school each and all the neighborhood kids they wanted . Brianna decided she didn 't want to invite anyone from school . Her budding preteen years have brought about an ability to be easily embarrassed . There was family there as well . I enjoyed getting my hands on some new born twin cousins who were only 2 months old . My husband enjoyed them , too . He said he wanted to use our income tax return on fertility treatments . Yeah , right . That money 's going to pay bills off . I really wish it didn 't have to , though . There was hot dogs , chips , and cake for the party goers , except the two littlest participants who enjoyed a bottle of formula . Coffee and complaining were served soon after . The other adults complained of noisy , messy children . Dynisha complained that she didn 't really get a birthday party . I really thought it would be Brianna complaining because Dynisha kind of got two while she only got one . Go figure . Honestly , I thought it kind of sucked for them , too . Blah Blah Blah by Jamie just says funny things all the time . Last night when I picked him up out of our bed to move him to his own he startled awake and said , " Where is it ? Where is it ? " I could never get him to tell me what he was looking for he just told me , " I want to do it myself . " and went back to sleep on my shoulder . Today he turned on the calculator . A little while later he came back into the office to find it was turned off . He said , " Hey , who turned off my calculator . " I said , " It turned itself off . " He turned to me , looking a bit offended , and said , " What did you say about me ? " When I tell him to go to bed he usually tells me , " I 'm not sleepy . I 'm just waking . " He 's become a master negotitor , as well . I 'll ask him if he wants me to make him a sandwich and he 'll say , " What about candy ? " I tell him no and he he 'll put a finger to his chin and say , " Hmmm , well . . . what about popcorn ? " We 'll go through this with several items he can not have until he comes to an item that can be on the menu , " Hmmm , what about sandwich ? " Okay buddy , I can do that . For most things now days we are in the grasp of the " me do phase " . Somehow dressing himself isn 't a priority for his growing independence , though in my opinion it should be on the top of the list . When I force him to try to put on his own clothes he says , " I 'm too little . " I tell him he 's a big boy and he says , " No , I 'm just little . " He can do it . He just doesn 't want to for some reason . The battle of the shoe strings has begun . For the first time today he put on his shoes with laces and he wanted to tie them himself . Since it is his first time I had to help him make the loops and everything . Now he 's really mad because he didn 't do it " all by myself " . I 'm so glad he wants to do it , but it 's going to take some time for him to learn . He kept pulling the laces back untied . When I finally got his shoes tied he threw a big old temper tantrum , though he helped me do the whole thing . I guess tonight we 'll practice tying his shoes until he can do it all by himself . Wish me lots of luck ! You know what I really hate ? I really hate that I can no longer share whatever I want online . I learned my lesson the hard way . Even so , I have things I want to say and want to share , but you just don 't know how people online are going to take the things you say and what they will do with that information . For so many years I took for granted the ability to share my thoughts and feelings freely among people I thought were friends online . We warn our kids to be careful about sharing their information online , but here I am an adult and I broke the cardinal rule myself . In a world where people are often connecting online and then meeting in real life , whether it be dating or friendship , it 's so easy to forget the dangers . The people you think are friends may not be the people you think you know . You assume you know them and that they know you . If you are lucky , you will never find out any different . I was not so lucky . I am fortunate that the damage was mostly emotional , though much greater damage was attempted . Please be cautious when sharing of yourself online . It is not the safe world it may appear to be . Our washing machine crapped out on us . Great . We think the transmission has gone out so we have to buy a new washing machine , right here at the holidays . This happened to our last washing machine while I was on bed rest with Jamie . When we looked up the problem it seems that everyone on the planet has this problem with this particular Whirlpool washing machine . Well , I 've wanted a front loader for a bit so I think we 'll go get one tomorrow . I really don 't want to spend the money right now , but since I have to , I might as well put out the extra bucks to get the type I want . We could really use a break in the finance department , though . I got a new little nephew for Halloween . He is McKalah 's new little brother . He weighed just over 8lbs and was 20 inches long . He 's a chubby , adorable little thing . When I finally got a chance to go see him my sister - in - laws mother was there holding him . The moment I walked in the door she informed me that I had to wash my hands and use hand sanitizer before holding him . Duh , I 've done this before . I had a preemie in the NICU , I think I can handle a healthy newborn . After I finished washing my hands she made me sit down like I was a child before she would hand him to me . That was a little irritating . She probably would have had a heart attack if she had seen me kiss his chubby little cheeks . You 'd think this was her first baby , but she has seven children and this is her second grandchild . Jamie had a good Halloween . My uncle came by and took us out for the day . It was nice to get out and do something . He tried to take Jamie for a haircut but Jamie pitched a huge fit and we were not able to do anything more than a slight trim . Now he looks very girly to me . After that we went to Ruby Tuesday 's for lunch . It 's right across from my husband 's work so we called him to join us . Matt had some big old double bacon cheeseburger , I had the Sonora chicken pasta , and Jamie had the little mini burgers . It was good and it was nice to have lunch out with my family , especially my uncle . After we went to my uncle 's house for awhile and then to the grocery store . On the way home my uncle stopped by the butcher shop to pick up an order he had placed and he gave us some steaks . I 'm saving them for my anniversary dinner that 's coming up soon . He dropped us off shortly before night fall . When my husband got home from work we dressed Jamie up as a pirate . At first he did not want to wear a costume and we thought we would have to take him out in plain clothes , but he warmed up to it . Once we started Trick - or - Treating he really warmed up to it . We tried to coach him to say " trick or treat " when he went to the doors and say " Thank you " whenBlah Blah Blah by I am so confused . Yesterday , when I talked to the lady from the preschool she said she had a spot held for Jamie and that we needed to get the paperwork to her by today . When Matt took the paperwork to the school they said that they would put Jamie on the waiting list . I don 't know what 's going on . Well , I finally have the paperwork together . It took combining what my husband picked up today and the incorrect paperwork we got last week , but it 's done . Matt 's going to drop it by the preschool on his way to work in the morning . Maybe Jamie will start school next week . I 'm not sure how fast things will happen . I guess I need to go school shopping . I 've barely bought any winter clothes yet and it 's cold out . This is not a good pay day for that so it will have to be minimal until the 13th . I still need to go find him a Halloween costume . He wants to be a spider , but I haven 't seen one around that was affordable and he liked . They had a silly one at Walmart , but he just said , " No Mommy . That 's not right . " Please , let me find something he likes that doesn 't cost an arm and a leg . Last year I wished that he cared about his costume so he could pick one out . Now I wish he 'd be happy with anything ! The preschool called today . They have a spot they 're holding for Jamie , but they need the paperwork from his doctor now . Ugh , this is so frustrating . I don 't know why getting his paperwork is so difficult . Originally we were told 24 hours , now it 's two weeks later and we still don 't have the paperwork . Matt 's going up to the office right now to try and get it and wait for it if they don 't have it ready . The school wants it by tomorrow in order to keep Jamie 's spot . We had a great lunch today . Jamie and I made home made pancakes and not so home made blueberry muffins . We were out of granulated sugar so I had to improvise and use brown sugar , but they turned out heavenly just the same . I measured out ingredients and he put them in the bowl and then he stirred them . I let him pour the pancakes onto the skillet , but I did the flipping . They really turned out perfect ( despite the look of the picture ) . I love cooking with my little man . White Lily Pancakes found at http : / / www . whitelily . com / Prep Time : 10 min Cooking Time : 15 min Makes : 8 servingsIngredients : 1 1 / 4 cups White Lily ® Self - Rising Flour2 tablespoons sugar1 cup milk1 large egg1 tablespoon Crisco ® Pure Vegetable OilInstructions : 1 . Heat griddle to 400 degrees or heat lightly oiled skillet until a few droplets of water sprinkled on surface evaporate quickly . 2 . Combine flour and sugar in mixing bowl . Combine milk , egg , and oil . Add liquid ingredients to flour mixture . Stir just until well blended . ( Batter will be lumpy . ) 3 . Pour about 1 / 4 cup batter into hot griddle for each pancake . Cook until golden brown , turning once . Serve warm ___________________________________________________________ I 've finally perfected our version of this . We use one tablespoon of brown sugar and one of granulated sugar . I use canola oil . I add a whole bunch of Cinnamon , along with a tiny bit of nutmeg and ginger . These are awesome with or without syrup . I called to check on Jamie 's paperwork . . . again . They did receive it . There was a note left in his file for them to fax it to us . When both Matthew and I spoke to them on the phone they said they would fax it back within 24 hours . Well , today I was told that it wasn 't done because they do not fax this sort of paperwork . UGH , I could pull my hair out . Fine , I 'll drive the half hour to pick it up ! When can I get it . Not until tomorrow afternoon . The preschool called today because they had an enrollment meeting and wanted to know if he was coming . I said that he was , I was just waiting on the paperwork from his pediatricians office . I have everything else . She said to call as soon as we got it . I sure hope he doesn 't lose his spot . He might not be able to get in at all if we lose it . I love my pediatrician . I wouldn 't change for the world , but his office seems very disorganized . I know that they must be incredibly busy , but whenever I need something , I can 't seem to get it . Last year when I was trying to get a refer , it took months to just get the phone number of the place they were referring him to . Now , I need his health record to enroll him in preschool . They said it would only take 24 hours , but when I called to check on it they said they never got the fax . We have now faxed it 3 times , double checked the number , and still have had no response . Hopefully we can get this cleared up on Monday because available spots at the preschool could be lost . I 've got all my paperwork filled out and ready to go , except for getting a copy of his birth certificate . I have my mother 's copy from the hospital , but haven 't ordered the official copy . I don 't know why I haven 't ever done that . We went to the preschool today so they could observe Jamie . He was pretty cranky because he had to get up early and his schedule is all messed up . He wouldn 't even eat breakfast . I packed a snack for the road , but he never ate it . He was really shy at the school . It took him a while to talk , but he came around . At one point he even wanted the psychologist to keep her arm around him . At first they were saying that he wasn 't really eligible because he didn 't have any educational deficits . They even canceled the speech evaluation because he clearly didn 't have any speech issues . The only area they were concerned about regarding his vocabulary was that he could not or would not answer when , what , where , & who type question like " What is Humpty Dumpty sitting on ? " or " What does the bunny like to eat ? " and " Where do you go to buy food ? " They noted his rigid thinking and told me to work on that with him as well . I have heard of rigid thinking , but I didn 't realize that always acknowledging him when he wants us to look at something was part of that . They noted that he needed a lot of control and we had to curb that . It 's going to be really hard to do , but we will do our best to do as they have instructed . We just thought he was it was normal and part of the stage we lovingly ( and exasperatedly ) refer to as the " Me Do Stage " . This is a term we coined when Brianna was little and started wanting to do everything for herself . They observed what they and the doctor called " OCD like behavior . " Having to do things a certain way . Having to have things in a certain order . For example , they played with the nesting bowls . If they took them apart one by one he would only put them back together one by one , but if they took them apart in threes , he put them back together in threes . They played with shapes from the new candy land game that you put shapes on a Ginger Bread man that has cut outs of that shape . One one side of the shape they had written the name of the school in sharpie to keep them together . Jamie always had to have them uBlah Blah Blah by Jamie didn 't eat very well today . He kept asking for certain foods and I would give them to him , but then he wouldn 't eat them . He pretty much only had yogurt for dinner . When bedtime came he said his tummy hurt . He was holding his stomach and I knew the little guy must be hungry . I offered him a peanut butter sandwich . Dramatically he said , " The hurts too big in my tummy . " I started to become concerned that perhaps he had developed a stomach virus which explained his poor eating through the day when he said , " Uuuum , what about candy . " Just wanted to share a quick pic of Jamie sleeping in his car seat . He looks so cute , but also so big . I can 't believe how fast he 's growing ! Last night Jamie really got into a mood to write words . I got some index cards out and he would tell me the word he wanted to know how to spell and I would write it down for him . Then he would write in on his dry erase board and draw a picture that represented the word that he wrote . He didn 't get it perfect and after awhile he got a little frustrated with that so I had to end out little session , but we 'll keep working on that . I think he did really good . I tried to get him to work with just 3 or 4 letter words but he insisted on bigger ones . I drew the line when he wanted to write flashlight because I wouldn 't have been able to fit it on the card . My niece McKalah turned 5 on October 2nd . She had her party on the 4th at the park . The kids played with silly string . They ate subs and chips followed by cake & ice cream from Kroger . The kids really didn 't like the cake . I don 't think any of them ate more than a bite or two . I felt kind of bad for my brother and sister - in - law because they paid extra for a half sheet cake and nobody really like it . They loved the ice cream , though . And what could be more perfect at the park on pretty day . The silly string was a big hit . Kids and grown ups alike partook of the festivities . Jamie was afraid of it at first but quickly got caught up in the fun . He always takes a little while to join in .
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We certainly didn 't ease into winter this year . A couple of men came by and offered to clear my driveway for $ 15 . I took them up on the offer , and after they finished , I headed into the office . I was amazed , because the main road at the corner had not been plowed . It was a mess . The signal lights were plastered with snow , with a little bit of the light showing at the top . If I 'd known how bad the road was going to be , I would have stayed home . . The church parking lot had been plowed - - twice I was told . It seems the company we cancelled after last year is trying to keep the job . One of the reasons we didn 't renew with them is that we had heard various stories of unethical dealings by them . One of our men came over and cleared the walks for us . I had been prepared to clear the sidewalk when I got there , as I often did last winter . . Daughter called several times . The third time she wanted me to come get her because she was bored and needed to get out of there . I refused , of course , and again expressed confidence in her ability to figure things out . I haven 't heard from her since . . It has been a productive week , which is good , since tomorrow I 'm off to an all day workshop . Of course , I 've figured out Christmas Eve worship but don 't have a sermon for this Sunday . Minor details . The snow on my picnic table is 13 " deep . I went out and measured it this morning . All the area schools are closed . Supposedly at 9 : 00 things are going to be miraculously better because the temperature will be above freezing . That means the temperature needs to go up at least 7 degrees in the next 20 minutes . Seems unlikely to me . I called Administrative Assistant and instructed her not to try to be in the office by 9 : 00 . She protested a bit , but I pointed out that this is why we work ahead . . It is a wet , heavy snow , so I really don 't want to try to shovel it out of my driveway . I 'm hoping that that the weather forecasters are correct and it will melt away quickly this morning . I 'm a little skeptical , though . Daughter was cheerful when she called this morning . It was nice to get a happy call from her for a change . I think I 'm going to make an effort to make our conversations longer when she 's happy and cut them off when she 's telling me how terrible life is . It might work , but it will take her a while to figure it out . Cause and effect is not her strong suit , to say the least . Posted by Daughter was supposed to have an appointment with Psychiatrist tomorrow , but it was cancelled . Case Manager sent an email to the entire team , which prompted a series of emails . Daughter complained to Program Manager about how the home was out of one of her mood stabilizers and they have had problems getting her prescriptions in a timely manner . Home Manager complained about the new pharmacy . I chimed in and said I 'd gone to the local pharmacy to get a prescription filled over the weekend since the agency pharmacy said my insurance wouldn 't cover one of her meds . I said the medication issues were damaging Daughter 's sense of safety at her placement . . Nurse was in on the emails , and was outraged . She marched down the hall to the pharmacy , and informed them of how things would be . When a house orders a medication , it is to be filled and delivered that day . She is going to further investigate , and has promised to get to the bottom of it and see that it doesn 't happen again . I believe her . . On the health front , I had a rough night and morning . Beginning to eat yesterday started up the intestinal misery again . I went into the office today , but I cancelled appointments away from the church , and didn 't move around much . Administrative Assistant came to me , I didn 't go to her . . Things are going well at the church . It looks like the results of the stewardship drive will be good . We aren 't going to meet the challenge budget , but given the current state of the economy , we are delighted to see a healthy increase in giving , including a number of new pledges . The new board members were at last night 's board meeting . They are a good group of people , and I 'm looking forward to working with them . Almost all of them are serving on the board for the first time , which is good . . We were looking for the large manger the church has to put it in the spiritual house we built this fall . A couple of the board members knew exactly where it was this fall , but it has mysteriously vanished . One of them came back and looked some more today , and Posted by So yesterday afternoon I got teary call from Daughter . She wasn 't doing any of the activities at her program . She wanted out of it . She was going to tell her house to pull her out . . A few minutes later I got a text from Program Manager : " Your daughter is in excellent spirits . " . Last night I was in a board meeting and she called on my cell phone . I answered , because sometimes it is staff calling , and I need to be available to them . When I heard Daughter , who was quite distressed , I said , " I 'm in a meeting and can 't talk . Call me after 8 : 30 . I love you . " And I hung up . . A woman on the board commented , " She was very happy when I saw her at the mall this morning . " . A man chimed in , " She was happy when I saw her this afternoon at the bowling alley . " . When I called her back after my meeting , she was asleep . She called this morning . They have run out of another one of her mood stabilizers . I did manage to get her laughing before we hung ended our conversation . I am grateful for all the reports I receive that she is doing well . It makes it easier for me to ignore her drama . I lost yesterday . I had a stomach bug . I 'll spare you the details . Somehow I made it through worship . I then took Daughter back to her home , driving through to pick her up a hamburger on the way , and then I came home and collapsed on the couch , wrapped in a comforter . I made frequent trips to the bathroom and sipped some water occasionally . Around 7 : 00 I rallied enough to call a friend and ask her to bring me some ginger ale . She works as a nurse in a doctor 's office . She told me there is a stomach bug going around that lasts for several days . That was not good news . Around 10 : 00 I had a piece of toast and went to bed . . Sometime yesterday afternoon I had a call from the home . Daughter wanted to go to urgent care . She had a red spot on her back that was itching . I said , " Absolutely not ! She 's upset because I 'm sick . Tell her you 're sorry she has a red spot that itches . Tell her I said to wipe it off with an alcohol prep and that will help the itching . " . Daughter called in the evening . She really wanted to be at home taking care of me . All that would have done is added to my stress . When I get sick , it 's very hard on her . She panics . . This morning I 'm feeling better . I had some chicken noodle soup for breakfast , and came in a little late . I 'll probably go home and take a nap this afternoon , since I have a board meeting tonight . Hopefully by tomorrow I 'll be fully recovered . Daughter called early this morning , chipper and apologetic right up until the moment I told her I 'd pick her up at 7 : 30 tomorrow morning for church , but I wouldn 't come get her today . She was disappointed . . I was at the church this morning to help put up the tree and get the decorations out for the hanging of the greens tomorrow . Sister Best Friend and her mom came for lunch to day . I tried a new dish on them . I 'm doing Christmas , and since Sister and Short Niece are now gluten and dairy free , some of our traditional Christmas dishes aren 't going to work . . Daughter called about noon , disappointed she 'd miss seeing Sister Best Friend , but happy because she 'd been to a movie this morning . I am so much more relaxed with Daughter out of the house . It 's nice to cook with the pantries unlocked . . I 'll take Daughter out to lunch tomorrow after church tomorrow , and then straight back . I won 't have to lock things up again until she spends the night Thursday . I came home last night after dropping her off , and didn 't miss her as I thought I would . It was just a huge relief to be alone again . . At my first word this morning , Daughter exploded . In one of her rational moments today , she said , " I can 't even control myself . " . She has been out of one of her medications for almost a week . It 's med that shouldn 't be stopped suddenly . She is taking it for seizures , but it is also an add on treatment for bipolar . I looked it up . . The pharmacy that her home uses says my insurance won 't cover it . They 've been covering it at the pharmacy at the corner for over a year . I just sent a refill request to the local pharmacy . I 'll pick it up in a couple of hours . Daughter was demanding to go back to the home , " where they really care about her . " I 'm going to honor her request . Of course , now that I 'm going to take her back , she doesn 't want to go back . I 'm taking her back anyway . I have rights , including the right to feel safe in my own home . . I have a cake in the oven . When it comes out and I think the pharmacy has had enough time to fill the prescription , I 'll take her back . She is currently crying quite noisily and dramatically because she doesn 't want to go back . I 'm not crying yet , but my heart is breaking , and it will be very hard to take her there and leave her without shedding a few tears . We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Sister , Brother , Sister - in - law , Baby Nephew , and Brother 's in - laws . Baby Nephew is the happiest , most easy - going baby I think I 've ever met . He hadn 't seen me in 2 months , but he smiled and reached out to me when we arrive , and then snuggled into hug me . He is 8 months old now , and wants to walk . He will hold tight to your fingers and walk all over the house . He also loves music and dancing . He brought much joy to all of us . . The food was fantastic . Brother is a great cook . Sister was happy to get a text from her ex saying Short Niece wanted to go home that evening , so we took our pie to go so we could be back to Sister 's by 8 : 00 . That gave us the bonus of an opportunity to see Short Niece , who will be 7 later this month . She was very excited to see us , and was climbing all over Daughter . . We got home about 10 : 00 last night . Daughter was furious because I hadn 't made her bed . I told her I wasn 't the one who wet it , so I wasn 't going to be the one to make it . She yelled and threatened , then made it without the mattress protector . I informed her that wasn 't acceptable . More yelling and threats , and then she tore the bed about and asked if I 'd please help her put the mattress protectors back on . I did . . I wasn 't surprised that she wet the bed again last night . She doesn 't wet the bed at the group home , of course . She saves that for me . When she came out this morning I was in the process of making her favorite breakfast : sausage gravy and biscuits . I asked if she 'd wet the bed , and she acknowledged she had . I said , " Get your linens in the washing machine . " That set her off . " I wish people would get off me about my bed wetting ! " . She apologized , but if she continues like this , she 'll be going back before Sunday . I 've had to lock everything up again . I like the peace and the freedom of life with her at the group home . Daughter called several times yesterday . She wanted to come home immediately . She was definitely on edge . The last time she called , she said she 'd just exploded and was afraid she was going to explode again . I asked if she still had her patch on . She got mad and told me she didn 't know and couldn 't tell . I asked her to give the phone to a staff member . . The staff member was very apologetic , saying she didn 't know what had set her off . I told her I didn 't think this was about anything that happened and asked her to check Daughter 's back for a patch . She did and there wasn 't a patch . I told her to get a new one on her and wished her luck . I think that staff member will remember to check for the patch . . . . . I am very thankful that we have found a placement for Daughter that seems to be working . . I 'll be picking Daughter up in 4 hours . We 'll pick up Sister , and then head to Brother 's . I made cranberry relish last night for my contribution . I love cranberry relish . Brother , who lives in a very small house , had invited over 20 people . Sister and I were relieved to hear there will only be about a dozen people there . . Sister will be missing Short Niece , who will be with her dad . It 's the first Thanksgiving since Sister moved out ( more than 7 years after the break in the marriage - - it 's a long and complicated story ) . Sister was very grateful that I was willing to come pick her up and take her to Thanksgiving . We 'll make it fun . How can it be anything but fun with Baby Nephew there ? . I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving ! Yesterday evening when Daughter called , she wasn 't crying or angry . She has asked about participating in more of the activities and outings there . One of the staff members had done her laundry for her ( which she hadn 't done since she moved in ) . She asked me if she could go home early on Saturday , because she wants to go to the movie with her group . Yes , she called that place home . . What 's the difference ? I think she is seeing the impact of the training I did . The staff is now calling me with questions about Daughter 's care . I know part of it is they are testing my assurance that they can call me any time . I 'm making sure I am patient and gracious when they call . I think once they become more comfortable with things , the calls will slow down . . I also suspect Daughter wasn 't getting enough of her anti - psychotic . Yesterday I wrote about how important it is to her . When the home transferred her prescriptions to their pharmacy , it filled 2 different strengths . I suspect that part of the time she was getting the lower strength pill . That left her doing more cycling and much more volatile . I suggested to one of the staff members that they take the lower strength pills out of her med box so no one gives it to her by mistake . . I have had two very productive days in the office , even with a steady stream of visitors . I 've been reading a book , something I seldom do . My stress level has gone way down . I am more relaxed , and as a result , more productive . I 'm sleeping better and longer at night . . I will have much to be thankful for as we celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow . This morning I read an article critical of the number of foster children who are on anti - psychotics . I found it interesting that the problem was that the children were being placed on drugs , not that they might need the medication . . Daughter started on anti - psychotics at age 8 . It was a very hard thing to do . I resisted it , and wasn 't sure I was making the right decision until I saw the impact that the medication had on her . She has severe PTSD . She was having psychotic flashbacks . She was terrified of the bathroom and of bed . It reached the point where she wouldn 't go into the bathroom without me . She refused to take baths , and the only way I could get her to shower was if she was with me and I was standing between Daughter and the drain . She was convinced that her brothers were waiting in the drain and were going to pull her down . . She had moved throughout the house looking for a safe place to sleep . She tried her bedroom , the guest room , my closet , my floor , my bed , and had she had reached the point that the only way she could sleep was if she was in full body contact with me . She was a big girl , and she was sleeping on top of me . . It was a major battle every morning to get her to school , because she didn 't feel safe in her classroom . She was convinced there were snakes living in her desk , and she was afraid of the boys in her classroom . I could tell that she was hearing voices , too . Her therapist convinced me to take her to a psychiatrist , who prescribed an anti - psychotic . They assured me that the medication would make things easier . . Within a day or so , she showered without me . It wasn 't until I took my first shower alone that I realized how exhausting it had been for me . When I saw her quick improvement I knew I had made the right decision . She has been on anti - psychotic ever since - - 16 years now . She 's been through a number of different medications . A medication will work for a while , and then the voices and hallucinations will start again . . So I find myself wondering how many of those foster kids who are onPosted by Since anger didn 't work last night , Daughter tried sobbing this morning . She called , and she was crying so hard she was having trouble talking . She claimed she was having flashbacks . I told her I was sorry she was having a bad morning , and maybe her counselor could give her some ideas about how to deal with it when she sees her this afternoon . She informed me she was already listening to her music and it wasn 't helping . I suggested she try dancing . She didn 't like that idea . I told her I had confidence in her ability to work through it and that I love her . Then I told her goodbye . . It 's much easier not to get sucked into her drama when she doesn 't live with me . Much easier . Daughter called when I was in a meeting . I told her I was in a meeting and to call back in an hour . She did . " They 're trying to control my diet ! They told me I had to choose a sandwich or a microwave dinner . " I told her I thought it was wonderful that they gave her choices . She was threatening to call the cops on the staff . It wasn 't possible to have a rational conversation with her tonight . I hung up grateful that she 's living there . We trained the staff about Daughter 's needs today . I started with her emotional needs , and how important it is for her to feel safe . I explained her hyper - vigilance , and how she picked up on everything . I told them that she believes she is too much work and staff is quitting because of her and that it 's her fault that they are short of staff . I also explained why she needs to continue in her program for now . . Then we talked about diabetes . I contradicted the dietitian several times , and I prevailed . The diabetic diet used to be based on exchanges , which were approximations . Daughter 's diet is based on a strict counting of the grams of carbohydrate in her meals . Her insulin is figured based on her blood sugar and the carbs she is eating . . I was pleased with what got communicated , but not so thrilled with how passive most of the staff was . I think there are some problems in the staff . I hope that the new manager is able to get a handle on things soon . . Daughter wanted me to read them the riot act . I told her that wasn 't necessary . I hope I 'm right . Daughter called with her standard tearful command , " You need to come get me now . " After some complaints she finally said enough for me to figure out what had caused her such distress . The other diabetic at the house had a low blood sugar - - it dropped to 15 , and they had called 911 . Daughter was terrified . So we had a long conversation . I assured her that she knows how to keep herself safe and that wouldn 't happen to her . . I finally distracted her by asking her about the movie she went to see this evening with a church friend . Once she was focused on that , I reassured her again that she knows how to take care of her diabetes , and she could keep herself safe . She finally hung up when the ambulance arrived for the woman with the low blood sugar . Daughter was happy and cooperative this morning . We had a potluck after worship . I was sitting across from some friends , and she said , " You seem much more rested and relaxed since Daughter moved out . " . I think she 's right . I took back right after church today . She was glad to get back . She was greeted warmly , and was planning to do her laundry . I then came home and unlocked the pantries and refrigerator and put the cable lock and keys in the drawer . It 's wonderful not to have to wear the keys around my neck . It 's wonderful to have the fruit out on the counter . . I think my friend was right - - I am more rested and relaxed . I like it . I picked Daughter up this morning for the football game . I " ll take her back tomorrow after church . We really enjoyed the football game . It helped that our team won , of course . . Daughter is all over the place right now . She claims she 's not safe or respected there , and then she asks to go back early . I 'm using my long time method of ignoring her as she rants . Unfortunately , some of her complaints are valid . They got lost on their way to pick her up yesterday , so they didn 't pick her up . Apparently staff has told her they are pulling her out of her current program . The agreement was we wouldn 't talk about that until she had settled in at the house , as change is so hard on her . She also thinks staff is quitting because of her . The diabetes stuff is still a challenge , and they aren 't on top of all her medication . I 'm waiting patiently until we get the staff trained on Monday . They will experience the wrath of Mama Bear if they don 't get their act together after the training . Sister has moved out from the house she shared with her ex - husband . Originally they were going to do holidays together this year for the sake of Short Niece , but this week he changed his mind and uninvited Sister to Thanksgiving . He has also claimed Short Niece for the day . So today Sister and I decided to join Brother and his in - laws for Thanksgiving . I 'll pick Daughter and Sister up and take them . . Originally I was going to join Sister Best Friend on Thanksgiving Day , and then Sister and Short Niece were coming here on Friday . Now we 'll be together Thursday , so we 'll have Friday to begin decorating the house for Christmas . . Daughter doesn 't know about the change in plans , so I 'll tell her tomorrow . I think she 'll be happy , because she 'll get to see her youngest cousin . . Tomorrow we 're going to a football game at the university . That will be fun , though cold . Daughter was home last night for choir and spent the night . To say she was happy would be an understatement . It went pretty well . I was pleased to discover that they did get her anti psychotic filled , so she is taking it . They hadn 't changed her patch , which was due to be changed on Monday . I changed it this morning . . This is going to get easier , and in many ways it has gone more smoothly than I anticipated . I 'm trying not to get uptight about things until after the training on Monday . If they still are messing up her diabetes after that , they 'll hear from Mama Bear . For now , I 'm going to enjoy the peace . Daughter called about 6 : 30 this morning . She was happy . She was excited about coming home , and she apologized for yesterday evening 's call . I was relieved . . That was the first of several phone calls I received before 8 : 00 this morning . In addition to Daughter , I have two other very needy women in my life right now . Supporting them without getting sucked in and dealing with the demands of ministry has been challenging . . I 'm looking forward to a spending time with Daughter this evening . This morning I suggested she take her bear hug sweatshirt back with her . I bought that so she could wear it when I 'm not around to hug her . She thought that was a good idea . I was pleased to hear her acknowledge she 'll be going back . This will work , it will just take time . Daughter called before lunch today . The home hadn 't given her the carb content for her lunch , and they needed to know it for insulin . I asked what she had in her lunch . She told me she had a container of yogurt which was 35 grams of carb , a ham sandwich , and cheese crackers . Somehow I think that was more than the 45 grams of carb she is supposed to have for lunch . I asked about her blood sugar . It was high , so they messed up breakfast , too . I wasn 't thrilled , but I told her how much insulin to take and went back to my peer group . . This evening I got a call from a staff member . Daughter was having a meltdown and had been trying to call me but was messing up the number so couldn 't get through . She put Daughter on the phone . She was sobbing . She wanted to come home immediately . She wasn 't safe there . They want to pull her out of her program and send her someplace else . They were messing up her diabetes . I tried to offer reassurance and comfort . I was getting ready to lead Bible study , so going to her wasn 't an option . I reminded her she 'd be home tomorrow night . I told her to go get the stuffed cat Administrative Assistant made her and hug that and wrap herself in her favorite throw . She was still crying when we hung up . . I think I 'll send an email off tomorrow asking that if staff isn 't going to follow the diet , they at least make sure they are keeping track of carbs . I know they haven 't been trained yet , but they have a diet that tells them exactly what she should have and how many carbs are in it . They need to follow the menu . . On my way home from Bible study I stopped at the store and bought some chocolate . This is hard . I 've been too busy the last day or so to miss Daughter - - or to post , apparently . I had a brief conversation with her yesterday evening . She was crying and insisting she had to come home because she had a stomach ache . I offered sympathy , suggestions , assured her I had confidence in her ability to manage the situation , and told her I loved her and looked forward to seeing her Thursday evening . I was pulling into a retreat center for a peer group retreat at the time . . I think she 's adjusting well . The dietitian took the menu they are supposed to be using over to the home yesterday and delivered it . It has all the carbs on it and should make diabetes management much easier . It may help the other diabetic resident if they are using an appropriate menu . . I 'm off to breakfast now , and then a morning of content and reflection with my colleagues . Just wanted to post quickly so you 'd know things are fine . Daughter called right after the funeral ( she tried to call during , but of course the ringer was off on my phone ) . She sounded happier , and she didn 't try to convince me she didn 't belong or I needed to come rescue her . I told her she should be grateful , as I had 2 meetings tonight and I wouldn 't have to drag her with me . . Even with losing 3 hours to a funeral and spending time on two extended conversations , I have had a fairly productive day . Now I 'm headed home for supper , and then will be back for a round of evening meetings . . I 've also spent some time on emails regarding Daughter 's diabetes situation . I now have the menus , and will be taking some time to look at them , probably this evening . I think I got their attention . Unfortunately , the training for staff won 't be until a week from today . We 'll figure it out eventually . . . . I 'm hoping Daughter got a good night 's sleep , and that her return to her program today will be reassuring to her . She called me in tears last night , homesick and wanting to come home . She said they didn 't have anything for her lunch today . I assured her that they made lunches for others , and would have something she could take in her lunch . . I 'm going to be very busy today , with a funeral this afternoon and two meetings this evening in addition to all the Monday tasks . I think it will be good to be so busy . This is one of those days that dinner would have been on the table when Daughter got off the bus and we wouldn 't have headed out the door to get back to the church as soon as we 'd eaten . Now , Daughter will go home to dinner and time with her friends . In time , I think she will come to appreciate that . This is one of those weeks when I have commitments 4 evenings in a row ( 5 if you count the funeral home yesterday ) . . I 'm hoping that if Daughter does call this morning , she feels better because she 's had a good night 's sleep . I slept in an hour this morning - - until 6 : 30 . It felt good . The bus picked Daughter up at 6 : 30 , so I was always up by 5 : 45 at the very latest , but usually around 5 : 00 . Since it 's often 9 : 00 before I get home after evening commitments , it made for very long days for both of us . The move will enable both of us to get more sleep and have more down time . I ended up taking Daughter back early today - - at her request . Part of the time she wanted to go back immediately , part of the time she wanted to stay with me forever . She said , " Mom , I 'm just all mixed up . " I assured her that was normal , and it would get easier as she adjusts . . It was hard , dropping her off today . I 'm sure in time I won 't feel like crying when I pull away from her new home . I 'm exhausted . I felt like I was off during worship this morning - - just not on top of things the way I like to be . I had to go see a family at the funeral home after I dropped off Daughter . I gave the family grief resources , and realized that I am grieving . I 'm grieving as I face the reality of an empty nest . I 'm also grieving as I let go of the dreams I had for Daughter . I didn 't adopt her to grow up and live in a group home . Maybe I should read the book I give to grieving families . . . . Daughter knew I was picking her up at 7 : 30 this morning . The staff that does morning meds doesn 't start work until 7 : 00 . Daughter was not happy . She wanted things earlier , and apparently was very nasty with staff , threatening them with the wrath of mom . When I got there at 7 : 30 , she had had her breakfast and was ready . She did not like the lecture I gave her in front of staff . I told her she had to relax and that she was to show staff respect . She accused me of dumping her on their doorstep and stormed out to the car . She sat in the backseat on the way here . . I told her if she wanted to stay with me today , she needed to improve her attitude . She has decided she wants to go with me to the funeral home , which surprised me . It 's going to be a busy day , and hopefully a good one . Daughter called this morning , sounding good . She 'd figured out the carbs on her meal . She said she 'd slept well , " It almost felt like home . " She was excited about going to a movie . That call came on my way to the meeting . . During worship I got a call from a staff member asking about lunch at a fast food place . On the way home , Daughter called again . She wanted me to come get her . They didn 't go to the movie she thought they were going to see . One of the women was disruptive in the van . She 's not safe . I told her that I had confidence in her ability to keep herself safe . I suggested she watch some TV . She can 't find her favorite channel . I suggested she ask staff , and promised to print out a channel guide for her . I told her it was natural that there would be some ups and downs as she adjusts to the move . I promised to pick her up in the morning . She wasn 't thrilled , but I think she knew I wouldn 't come get her . Hopefully I reassured her . I don 't think I moved after I went to bed last night . I slept , and slept well . I 'll leave here about 7 : 30 for my meeting , which is about 95 miles from here . Fortunately , it 's interstate most of the way , and I shouldn 't run into much traffic on a Saturday morning . . I didn 't receive any more phone calls last night , so that 's good . Today they are going to a movie , so that will be fun for Daughter . I do think it will work for Daughter at this place , I am just frustrated that I wasn 't able to convince them to provide adequate training for staff . I don 't understand why the dietitian doesn 't get it and won 't be more proactive . Yes , it will be work for her , but I was told she approves the menu , so it wouldn 't be a problem . . The dietitian is young , so I thought she would be up on the current diabetic management approaches . She gave them exchanges for the food , which is the old way . One exchange of carb is 15 grams of carb . This way of doing it requires staff to multiply the carb exchanges by 15 , and then divide by Daughter 's current ratio . That 's a lot of math to do when you are trying to feed 13 people . The staff doesn 't make much more above minimum wage , and they don 't have advanced training . We need to make this as easy as possible for them . Since they have set menus , I 'd like to see the nutrition and serving size on the menu . When I asked about the serving size for the potatoes yesterday , I was told " a couple of spoon fulls . " It 's hard to figure carbs for " a couple of spoon fulls " when you have multiple people determining the size of those couple of spoon fulls . . I think I will ask them to fax of email me the menus weekly with any nutritional information or recipes they have . I will calculate serving size , nutrition information , and insulin . I will send it back with serving sizes and insulin calculated by blood sugar . I will show all the work so that they can see how I figure it out . We 've worked hard to managed Daughter 's blood sugars and keep them at near normal levels , minimizing the likelihood of complications . I Reverend Mom I got a call from the home before supper . Daughter 's blood sugar was 76 , so they were asking how much insulin they should give . Of course , they didn 't know the carb content of the food . The dietitian didn 't give them the carb content for steamed potatoes . They knew the carb content for 1 / 2 a cup of peas . I had asked for the information to be placed on the menu . I guess I expect too much . I told them not to give her any insulin , since I wasn 't going to guess and have her go lower . . A couple of hours later , Daughter called . They said she had to take a shower every day . She didn 't want to take a shower every day . I told her that a shower every day was good for her , and she 'd be all shiny and clean . Then she informed me that for bedtime snack they gave her sugar free jello . She told them she needed carbs , but they didn 't listen . Her blood sugar was 130 ( I was glad I told them to skip the insulin at supper ) . I asked to speak with a staff member . I told her Daughter had to have more than sugar free jello for a bedtime snack , or she 'd go low . She was going to give Daughter some cheese crackers . . I am frustrated . Twice I have explained that they need nutrition information , and asked that it be placed on the menu . I 've explained why it is important . My concerns are being dismissed . Daughter told me tonight , " I 'm not safe here . They don 't know how to take care of me . " That was what I was trying to avoid . I may have to go over there and figure out the nutrition information myself . I 'm not very happy about the situation . The problem is I don 't know when I 'll do it . I have a meeting all day tomorrow , multiple commitments on Sunday , and a funeral on Monday . . On a cheerier note , I had a wonderful evening out . We went to a craft show , a variety store , and then to a wonderful bar and grill for a great meal . None of us intended to eat our entire meal , and we all did . They were delicious . I also got some Christmas shopping done . It was a fun evening , even with the phone calls . The guys had the trailer loaded and we were on the road by 10 : 00 this morning . Daughter was excited . The men unloaded the trailer and put the bed together . There was a ton of paperwork . While I worked on that , one of the staff helped her unpack ( there wasn 't much to do , as we 'd moved her dresser with all the clothes in it . ) . After I finished the paperwork I went to her room to set up her TV . It turns out there is cable available for her , so that was nice . She needed a new light bulb for her lamp and I needed a cable to connect the TV to the cable box , so we went to lunch and then bought those things ( which cost exactly $ 11 . 11 - - but it we didn 't buy them at 11 : 11 ) . I finished setting up her TV , gave her a hug , and left . . One of the men invited me to go on a tour of homes and out to dinner with he and his wife tonight . I 'm glad I won 't be home all alone tonight . It was hard when I pulled away . I wanted to talk to Mom . It doesn 't happen as frequently , but there are still times when I miss her terribly . I called Far Away Sister . She sent Tall Niece off to college this fall , so she understands . . Tomorrow I 'll be at a meeting all day . Sunday I 'll pick up Daughter for church . The week will be busy , with a funeral on Monday . Fortunately , I 'm just assisting . I will probably drop Daughter off right after we work the soup kitchen on Sunday so I don 't have to drag her to the funeral home for visitation . . For now , though , I 'm going to go get ready for my evening out . I think I will enjoy my new freedom . What a roller coaster ride ! We 've had shouts of anger , tears of fear and grief , and she is currently bouncing off the wall with joy and excitement . She packed some more things this morning - - things she was refusing to pack last night . I 'm going to be exhausted before we even get out of the door at this rate . The men will be here with the trailer within an hour , and I think we 're ready . I 'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home and an opportunity to catch my breath when we get the move done . . I printed out calendars for Daughter this morning that show the time she will be with me . She was quite excited to see how much time she will have here - - 2 overnights next week and the following week is Thanksgiving , so we 'll have time together then . She was quite pleased and reassured after seeing the plans . I 'm going to have to do that for her regularly . I think it will help her sense of security . I opened the drawers in Daughter 's dresser this afternoon and discovered the black hole into which socks , napkins , washcloths , and various other small items vanish . I couldn 't believe what all I found in there . . . . I took a laundry basket in and emptied them into it , and then brought it into the family room to sort . It was fun sorting through the socks , some of which were dirty . . I was amazed , because I thought I 'd been supervising her pretty closely when she pulls the whites out of the dryer . As always , though , my attempts to teach her how to do things properly only result in her learning how to be even sneakier . . Her furniture is all in the living room , ready to be picked up by the guys at 10 : 00 tomorrow morning . I think there are 4 men coming to move a dresser , twin bed , desk , wicker chair and a few boxes . I think their real motivation is the opportunity to go out to lunch when they 're done with the work . Whatever it is , I 'm grateful for their support . . As I anticipated , she had a difficult time this evening . She doesn 't want to take any furniture . I offered to take her to choir to give her a break , but she wanted to stay and work with me . The problem was she was quickly overwhelmed , and when she 's overwhelmed , I become her target . In the end , she did most of the things I asked her to do . . The reports from elsewhere are that she is very excited about moving and really looking forward to it . I 'm glad to hear those reports , because all I hear is how frightened she is , how terrible this place is , and how wrong it is of me to kick her out like this . I keep telling her that moving is hard , and she 'll be okay . I told her the schedule for the next week - - I 'll pick her up for worship on Sunday . After lunch we 'll go serve a meal at a soup kitchen , and then come back to the house to hang out for a while before she goes back to the group home . Thursday the bus will drop her off here , and after choir she 'll spend the night with me , going from here to her program on Friday . Next Saturday we 're going to a college football gaPosted by Daughter was quickly yelling at me this morning . She insisted she needed to stay home today . She was too stressed to go to her program . She needed to stay home and pack . Of course , when she faces the task of packing , she gets overwhelmed . She rages , and doesn 't accomplish more than wearing me out . . I sent her to her program , of course , and am very grateful I set aside this afternoon to take care of most of the details without her around . Does she really think I 'm going to keep her home to rage at me ? I don 't think so . Daughter got a new laptop . I was setting it up for her , and decided to add a password . When she sat down to use it and discovered she needed a password , she looked up at me , " Is it Kitten ? " . " No . " . " It 's Mom . " She said this with great confidence , and a bit of smugness . . I thought I was being clever . It is rather disconcerting to recognize how well she knows me . . I have decided not to go to my meeting tomorrow afternoon . I 'm going to do some shopping and packing while Daughter is still at her program . The packing is hard on her , so I 'll spare us both the drama and just get it done . The manager at Daughter 's residential placement is new - - she 's been there maybe a month . She 's been with the company longer , but is new to this position . She gave me another stack of paperwork yesterday . I looked it over , and some of it should have been filled out at the meeting yesterday . I think this is manager 's first move - in , and I suspect she 's feeling almost as overwhelmed as Daughter and I are . . Daughter is not doing well with this right now . She 's very volatile , to say the least . It doesn 't help that we 're trying to accomplish this move in the midst of a very crazy week for me . I have someone dying , was tied up all afternoon , and have 4 commitments tomorrow . I have a meeting over an hour away on Thursday afternoon . This is our only evening home , and Daughter is not wanting to do any packing . She 's overwhelmed , to say the least . I 'm trying to break it down for her . " Pick out three pairs of pants that fit you and bring them here . " . Fortunately , the move doesn 't have to be complete on Friday . As long as we get the furniture moved while we have the men and the church trailer , we can take the other things over gradually . I have men lined up to help with the move . I 'm very grateful to be in ministry with this congregation . With their help , it 's a little less overwhelming . This Friday Daughter will move . I 'm pleased with the plans . Nurse apologized for staff 's confusion . We will do an in - service early next week , and I will be there . That was not a problem . They will take over much of the paperwork and transportation . Once I complete another huge stack of paperwork , my life is going to be much easier . She will be with me every Thursday night for supper and choir - - and I won 't have to do any of the transporting . She 'll leave from my house on Fridays to go back to her program . I think this is going to work . . Daughter did have one outburst during the meeting , but stayed and recovered to participate again . They were all shocked by her yelling and swearing . I assured them that was mild , she saves the big stuff for me . Once she 's just visiting overnight , I shouldn 't have to deal with that . I think our relationship will improve . . Another door opened for ministry : one of the men came in to talk today about his sister . He has been her guardian for over 30 years , and he needs more help . I told him how to begin to access services for her . He knows I understand . I have several folks in the congregation who are guardians , and have sought out my support / advice . People know that I understand their family challenges , whatever they may be . . This has become a crazy - busy week . We have the pre - placement meeting at 10 : 00 this morning . Daughter told me she wants to move today . Then she said we needed to wait until next week . She raged yesterday , but then snuggled against me to watch TV last night . I can only begin to imagine what 's going through her brain right now . . My hope is that we can move her Friday . This week is very busy . I have multiple commitments every day , which makes it challenging to do all the prep and administrative work that needs to be done . . I put the futon back together in the guest room yesterday by myself , managing to strain my back in the process . I like the way the guest room is looking , and am eager to open the door to it . I think once the door is open , I will make use of the desk in there . . Given all that needs to get done this week , I 'd best head out to the church now . . . . I keep telling Daughter she needs to focus on the positive . I 'm trying to do that , too . I 'm hanging on to the moments when I catch glimpses of her excitement about moving to the group home . It 's hard to ignore the screaming and flying objects , but I am going to focus on those times when she is excitedly making plans . . I 'm going to focus on the fact that she 's working on cleaning her bedroom , not on the fact that she intentionally trashed it because she was moving and wanted to express her displeasure . She is there singing hymns as she works , so I 'm going to focus on the power music has to calm her . . I 'm going to focus on the fact that I put the futon back together by myself , and not on the back pain I 'm now having . I had waited until today , thinking Daughter would help , but it quickly became clear that if I asked for her help in the mood she was in , one of us would end up dead . . I 'm going to focus on the reality that the end is in sight . Soon I won 't be living with the volatility and the manipulations . Soon I will be able to unlock things . Soon she will just be coming to visit , and we won 't have the conflict that comes when I ask her to clean her room or pick up after herself . I 'm going to focus on all the positive things , and I 'm going to rejoice . I picked Daughter up this morning . She was pleased to see me . One of the staff members straightened her hair for her , so she looked cute . She 's back and forth between wanting to move and refusing to move . She tried to convince the staff she had to come home yesterday by pretending she was having a bad low . She was shaking , and her blood sugar was 100 . They were very concerned . I informed the she was playing them . Daughter shrugged and said , " I wanted to go home . " . I think this will be okay . I want the staff to be trained before she moves , so we 'll see how quickly that can happen . Daughter made it just over 24 hours before she called to tell me I had to come get her immediately . You think she 'd figure out that I don 't do that . She threatened to walk home , and then threatened me . She 's still there , and will probably change her mind a dozen or so times before she moves . I wouldn 't want to live in her head . . It was weird , not having her here on a Saturday . I did some yard work and some shopping , but was pretty lazy overall . I 'm sure that I will adjust and will eventually enjoy my alone time , but for now , it 's just weird . . . . Daughter is all smiles this morning . Told me I was right about everything - - in front of witnesses . I 'm much relieved . . I 've decided that I want to be present when they do the in - service training for the house staff . I trusted them when they told me the staff knew everything they need to know . I 'm not going to make that mistake again . So I took Daughter down to residential , and found an overwhelmed staff . The Medical Coordinator , who Nurse insisted was very experienced and knew how to handle everything was waiting for me . " I 've only been in this position since the beginning of October , and I 'm feeling overwhelmed . " The information on carb content for the meals ? It said 1 / 2 cup of pasta was 15 grams of carb . The box from the macaroni and cheese said 1 cup was 50 grams of carb . I 'm glad the cook was smart enough to save the box to show me . I walked them through it several times in several different ways . I was there for over 2 hours dealing with the medical stuff . I 've had 4 - 5 calls since I left . Nurse will not be happy to see me on Monday . Medical Coordinator told me that usually they have an in - service for all the staff before someone with the kind of needs Daughter has comes . She told me to make sure I insisted on one before move - in . She said if I insisted , they 'd have to do it . . Now for the good news : I liked all the staff I met . They were very kind and caring . Daughter couldn 't see me , but I could hear her laughing and talking with the other women . She is still insisting to me that she doesn 't belong there , but I think it will be okay . The staff and I will figure it out , since it seems that Nurse and Dietitian aren 't going to be much help . I guess I didn 't growl loudly enough . In 8 hours I will be leaving to drop Daughter off for the weekend . Case Manager called this morning . She didn 't know that things weren 't ready for Daughter 's weekend visit . She 's going to try to figure things out before she heads out for a day of visits in a few minutes . I suspect I 'll end up looking like an overly anxious , overly protective mother again . . I wonder how many of these people would leave their child someplace that wasn 't prepared to manage their medical and emotional needs ? Daughter is home with me today , so it will be a challenge to deal with these issues without her finding out how concerned I am about them . It could be a very interesting 8 hours . This afternoon I have been corresponding with Nurse on Daughter 's visit to the residential facility tomorrow . Email on medical issues from Nurse has to be secure because of hippa , so retrieving the email involves going to a secure website and logging in - - via my android . Not a fun or easy thing to do . . She called Administrative Assistant to have her fax the orders to her . She was surprised that I thought staff should be trained before Daughter arrives tomorrow . She doesn 't think she 'll be able to do that . After looking at the orders , she decided maybe they should just call me before every meal to calculate the insulin for them . I told her I am willing to do that , but I will need carb information on the meals . That 's a problem . Then she tells me I have to get our pharmacy to bubble wrap her meds . I called the pharmacy . They don 't do that . . I gave her a document outlining what the orders would be on Monday . I gave it to her then so she would have time to look it over and determine what training staff would need . Obviously that didn 't work . . Mama Bear is not happy right now . Not happy at all . . . . Today I 'm off to a workshop at a conference center less than 30 minutes from here . While I am being educated , I will work very hard at not worrying about whether or not the staff will be educated prior to Daughter 's arrival at the group home tomorrow evening . I got the medical orders yesterday , but no one seems to be concerned about having them before tomorrow night . If I were a just above minimum wage employee , I 'd feel pretty intimidated if orders that included an insulin to carb ratio and a correction factor were sprung on me 30 minutes before I was expected to follow them . . I want Daughter to feel safe and comfortable there tomorrow . That won 't happen if the staff is not comfortable and competent with handling her diabetes . She will pick up on their discomfort , and won 't feel safe . I 've explained all of this , but I 'm not sure they believe me . Letting go is very hard . Right now I feel like I have a target on my back . Daughter is scared about the move , so she 's mad , and I 'm the target of her anger . It 's not a fun way to live . I think I 'm getting the paperwork in order . I faxed 38 pages to them yesterday - - just the pages with signatures , initials , or information they needed . Today I got the orders from the doctor 's office . Since her doctor is out of town , my nurse practitioner signed them - - I 'm sure she knew it would improve my health . . I don 't know how many times and in how many different ways I 've explained this . I 'm sure I 'll have to come up with a few more before we complete the move , and then some more after she moves . . Administrative Assistant and I sat down and mapped out the work for the rest of the year today . We 're less than 2 months from 2012 . It hardly seems possible . . Now it 's off to teach Bible Study . I have commitments 4 nights in a row this week . That just makes the target bigger . Daughter has been concerned about how they 'll handle her program at the group home . She 's afraid they won 't listen to her . I decided it would help if she could talk to the nurse before she did training , so I emailed the nurse yesterday . The response I got told me all about how they had to follow orders or they 'd lose their license and legal requirements . I read the answer and was furious . I hadn 't asked her to disobey doctor 's orders , I 'd asked her to listen to Daughter , and she already wasn 't listening . . About that time Treasurer stuck his head in my office . He took a look at me and suggested he 'd come back another time . I assured him he could come in , he just needed to listen to me complain for a minute . He did . He is guardian for a family member in a group home , so he does understand . I tamed down my Mama Bear fury to write a response assuring Nurse we knew that rules had to be followed , and Daughter was concerned that they wouldn 't listen and needed to be heard . She agreed to meet with us before Daughter 's appointment with Therapist yesterday evening . . I knew Daughter was not going to be happy when I surprised her with the news we were meeting with Nurse , and I was right . I finally explained I 'd had to get into Mama Bear mode . She started to laugh . I suggested she get into Baby Bear mode . We stopped at the house to print out some information , and she decided there were two important things to tell Nurse , so she wrote down ( in all caps ) BEING HEARD and FOOD . . I was surprised , because she told me she needed to tell Nurse that she doesn 't like all food , and was concerned that she wouldn 't be able to eat what they offered . What she actually told her was that food needed to be secure so Daughter wouldn 't get into it . Nurse did a good job of listening and reassuring Daughter . She was much more relaxed after her conversation with Nurse . She was also delighted to discover I still am willing to become Mama Bear and growl when necessary . I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .
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We did the chores early that night for some reason . I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible . So after supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible . I was still feeling sorry for myself and , to be honest , I wasn 't in much of a mood to read Scriptures . But Pa didn 't get the Bible , instead he bundled up and went outside . I couldn 't figure it out because we had already done all the chores . I didn 't worry about it long though , I was too busy wallowing in self - pity . Soon Pa came back in . It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard . " Come on , Matt , " he said . " Bundle up good , it 's cold out tonight . " see . We 'd already done all the chores , and I couldn 't think of anything else that needed doing , especially not on a night like this . But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one 's feet when he 'd told them to do something , so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap , coat , and mittens . Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house . Something was up , but I didn 't know Outside , I became even more dismayed . There in front of the house was the work team , already hitched to the big sled . Whatever it was we were going to do wasn 't going to be a short , quick , little job . I could tell . We never hitched up the big sled unless we were going to haul a big load . Pa was already up on the seat , reins in hand . I reluctantly climbed up beside him . The cold was already biting at me . I wasn 't happy . When we had exchanged the sideboards Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood - - - the wood I 'd spent all summer hauling down from the mountain , and then all fall sawing into blocks and splitting . What was he doing ? Finally I said something . " Pa , " I asked , " what are you doing ? " " rode by just today , " Pa said . " Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips . They 're out of wood , Matt . " That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed for another armload of wood . I followed him . We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it . Finally , Pa called a halt to our loading , then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon . He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait . When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand . " What 's in the little sack ? " had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning . I got the children a little candy too . It just wouldn 't be Christmas without a little candy . " We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen 's pretty much in silence . I tried to think through what Pa was doing . We didn 't have much by worldly standards . Of course , we did have a big woodpile , though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into Pa buying them shoes and candy ? Really , why was he doing any of this ? Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us . It shouldn 't have been our concern . We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible , then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door . We knocked . The door opened a crack and a timid voice said , " Who is it ? " " We brought you a few things , Ma ' am , " Pa said and set down the sack of flour . I put the meat on the table . Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it . She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time . There was a pair for her and one for each of the children - - - sturdy shoes , the best , shoes that would last . I watched her carefully . She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks . She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something , but it wouldn 't come out . there with tears running down her cheeks and so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn 't speak . My heart swelled within me and a joy filled my soul that I 'd never known before . I had given at Christmas many times before , but never when it had made so much difference . I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people . long time . She finally turned to us . " God bless you , " she said . " I know the Lord himself has sent you . The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us . " spite of myself , the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again . I 'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms before , but after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true . I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth . I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me , and many others . The list seemed endless as I thought on left . I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get . Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes . Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug . They clung to him and didn 't want us to go . I could see that they missed their pa , and I was glad that I still had mine . At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said , " The Mrs . wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow . The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat , and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals . We 'll be by to get you about eleven . It 'll be nice to have some little ones around again . Matt , here , hasn 't been little for quite a spell . " I was the youngest . My two older brothers and two older sisters were all married and had moved away . know something . Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you , but we didn 't have quite enough . Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square . Your ma and me were real excited , thinking that now we could get you that rifle , and I started into town this morning to do just that . But on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do . So , Son , I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children . I hope you understand . " I understood , and my eyes became wet with tears again . I understood very well , and I was so glad Pa had done it . Just then the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities . Pa had given me a lot more . He had given me the look on Widow Jensen 's face and the radiant smiles of her three children . For the rest of my life , whenever The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve . He hadn 't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away . He had no decorations , no tree , no lights . It was just another day to him . He didn 't hate Christmas , just couldn 't find a reason to celebrate . There were no children in his life . His wife had gone . " Thank you , but I don 't mean to intrude , " said the stranger . " I see you 're busy . I 'll just go " " Not without something hot in your belly , " George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger . " It ain 't much , but it 's hot and tasty . Stew . Made it myself . When you 're done there 's coffee and it 's fresh . " George opened the hood . It was bad . The block looked cracked from the cold ; the car was dead . " You ain 't going in this thing , " George said as he turned away . " But mister . Please help . . . . " The door of the office closed behind George as he went in . George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck , and went back outside . He walked around the building and opened the garage , started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting . " Well , at least he got something in his belly , " George thought . George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start . It cranked slowly , but it started . He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been . He thought he would tinker with it for something to do . Christmas Eve meant no customers . He discovered the block hadn 't cracked , it was just the bottom hose on the radiator . " Well , I can fix this , " he said to himself . So he put a new one on . " Those tires ain 't gonna get ' em through the winter either . " He took the snow treads off of his wife 's old Lincoln . They were like new and he wasn 't going to drive the car . As he was working he heard a shot being fired . He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground . Bleeding from the left shoulder , the officer moaned , " Help me . " George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic . He knew the wound needed attention . " Pressure to stop the bleeding , " he thought . The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels . He used those and duct tape to bind the wound . " Hey , they say duct tape can fix anything ' , " he said , trying to make the policeman feel at ease . " Something for pain , " George thought . All he had was the pills he used for his back . " These ought to work . " He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills . " You hang in there . I 'm going to get you an ambulance . " George said , but the phone was dead . " Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car . " George sat down beside him . " I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain 't gonna leave you . " George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding . " Looks worse than what it is . Bullet passed right through ' ya . Good thing it missed the important stuff though . I think with time your gonna be right as rain . " The young man was confused . " Shut up old man , or I 'll shoot you , too . Now give me the cash ! " The cop was reaching for his gun . He turned his attention to the young man . " Son , it 's Christmas Eve . If you need the money , well then , here . It ain 't much but it 's all I got . Now put that pee shooter away . " " I 'm not very good at this am I ? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son , " he went on . " I 've lost my job . My rent is due . My car got repossessed last week . . . " George handed the gun to the cop . " Son , we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then . The road gets hard sometimes , but we make it through the best we can . " He got the young man to his feet , and sat him down on a chair across from the cop . " Sometimes we do stupid things . " George handed the young man a cup of coffee . " Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human . Comin ' in here with a gun ain 't the answer . Now sit there and get warm and we 'll sort this thing out . " The young man had stopped crying . He looked over to the cop . " Sorry I shot you . It just went off . I 'm sorry officer . " " Yep , " George said . " Just hired him this morning . Boy lost his job . " The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher . The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered , " Why ? " " Well , looks like you got one doozy of a break there . That ought to solve some of your problems . " George went into the back room and came out with a box . He pulled out a ring box . The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw . " I can 't take this , " said the young man . " It means something to you . " George reached into the box again . A toy airplane , a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next . They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell . " Here 's something for that little man of yours . " The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $ 150 that the old man had handed him earlier . " And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with ? You keep that , too . Count it as part of your first week 's pay . " George said . " Now git home to your family . " " Well , after my wife passed away I just couldn 't see what all the bother was . Puttin ' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree . Bakin ' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn 't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby . " The stranger put his hand on George 's shoulder . " But you do celebrate the holiday , George . You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry . The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor . " Trust me , George . I have the inside track on this sort of thing . And when your days are done you will be with Martha again . " The stranger moved toward the door . Tonight we are having breakfast for dinner so I am making my " Mountainman Breakfast Casserole " in out 12 " dutch oven . This meal can be made over a campfire of in the oven . Ours was in the oven tonight . I can remember singing this as a boy ( I was even born in New England , so it kind of fit ) , but we never sang all of the verses . I also didn 't know at the time that it was about Thanksgiving . To us , it was just Over the River And Through The Woods . The New - England Boy 's Song About Thanksgiving DayBy Lydia Maria ChildOver the river , and through the wood , To grandfather 's house we go ; The horse knows the way , To carry the sleigh , Through the white and drifted snow . Over the river , and through the wood , To grandfather 's house away ! We would not stop For doll or top , For 't is Thanksgiving day . Over the river , and through the wood , Oh , how the wind does blow ! It stings the toes , And bites the nose , As over the ground we go . Over the river , and through the wood , With a clear blue winter sky , The dogs do bark , And children hark , As we go jingling by . Over the river , and through the wood , To have a first - rate play - Hear the bells ring Ting a ling ding , Hurra for Thanksgiving day ! Over the river , and through the wood - No matter for winds that blow ; Or if we get The sleigh upset , Into a bank of snow . Over the river , and through the wood , To see little John and Ann ; We will kiss them all , And play snow - ball , And stay as long as we can . Over the river , and through the wood , Trot fast , my dapple grey ! Spring over the ground , Like a hunting hound , For 't is Thanksgiving day ! Over the river , and through the wood , And straight through the barn - yard gate ; We seem to go Extremely slow , It is so hard to wait . Over the river , and through the wood , Old Jowler hears our bells ; He shakes his pow , With a loud bow wow , And thus the news he tells . Over the river , and through the wood - When grandmother sees us come , She will say , Oh dear , The children are here , Bring a pie for every one . Over the river , and through the wood - Now grandmother 's cap I spy ! Hurra for the fun ! Is the pudding done ? Hurra for the pumpkin pie ! The article was originally called " A Survivalist 's View of Thanksgiving , " but I feel that the running theme embodies the view of those who homestead as well . In this article , Jack goes through and debunks the myths that we commonly hear and think about Thanksgiving , but at the same time , gives us a good perspective that fits very well with homesteading . Although the talking points to this long article can be summarized in a few paragraphs , the article is quoted here in it 's entirety as I believe that it has merit . One , they didn 't have mashed potatoes ; they didn 't grow potatoes in the northern colonies that first year . Number two they didn 't have buckles . You know all those Pilgrims , little kids , buckles ? The buckles didn 't get in fashion until 1700s . No buckles . They were wearing black and white because they had the feast on a Sunday . And the Pilgrims wore black and white on Sundays ; it was formal attire . They did not always run around in black and white while they were working in the fields , and hunting , and fishing , and farming . It 's a myth . Women mostly wore colors like reds , greens , and tans . The men wore colors like tans , grays , greens , tweeds , beiges . So they weren 't always running around in big top hats with buckles on and gaiters and things like that . Okay ? So that 's a myth - not a big myth . Turkey they probably had . The original recorded journal entry of Thanksgiving says they shot as much fowl as they could . That would probably be a lot of ducks and geese that time in New England . Another belief is that they had this holiday the third week of November . They did not . It was somewhere between the end of September and beginning of October that they had the original Thanksgiving . If you 've ever been to New England , you will know why . Now here 's the big myth that they had this first Thanksgiving feast and it immediately became a tradition . An original American tradition . And that every year thereafter they continued to have this holiday and that as the United States evolved and grew , wherever Americans went , wherever colonists went , the holiday went with them . That 's not how it happened at all . You see they didn 't even have the feast the second year . Didn 't happen a second year because the colony was ravaged with a lot of problems , diseases , and crop failures . And other colonists came and those other colonists didn 't immediately pick up the holiday , but over time , as people began to settle , the United States , primarily initially in the northeastern United States , in the Virginia Colony , which ran from like the HudsonEventually people got pissed off and complained about it and it got moved back where it is today , the fourth Thursday . That 's how it became that day and that 's how it was put back on that day . And that 's how it 's been ever since . And I think one of the things we really need to understand about the spread of Thanksgiving through the United States is how it was commensurate with healing of the wounds between the states from the Civil War . And I think if you 're 10 years younger than me , maybe my generation was the last to really see it for what it was . And I 'm glad that it 's gone , and I 'm glad that it 's dead , but I think we need to remember it so that we understand what a great nation we 've actually formed today . Because sometimes I get real hard on our government , and I 'll continue to do it , folks . You 'll tune back in and you 'll hear me tearing up a senator , or the president , or a chief justice for stepping on our Constitution . But overall , we have a pretty great country . And what I remember when I was a child , very young child - I 'm talking kindergarten , first , second grade - and I moved from Pennsylvania to Florida with my family . My grandfather and his friends in Pennsylvania would always tell me , " You 're down them with them damn rebels . " And the kids that I went to school with would sometimes call me a damn Yankee until I picked up that Florida accent . And it wasn 't like it is today . I hear people call people Yankees today . And generally when you hear somebody call somebody a damn Yankee today , it 's because you 're putting them down for being a big government tax and spend liberal from Massachusetts or something like that . Or it 's kind of like a Texas joke . Well , Yankees , where do they come from ? They come from Oklahoma . Anything north of the Red River , you know that 's the Mason - Dixon line in our opinion . But there 's a joke and there 's joviality to it . I saw the last vestiges of the true animosity that was held over by my grandfather 's generation and the generation before him that handed it down . I saw that . I saw it for what it was . You know ? And I saw at the same time the last vestiges of true racism in this country where we were busing students for integration purposes and things like that and there was resistance to it . And all these other things . It was the tail end . It was the late ' 70s , early ' 80s . And that stuff 's gone and behind us now . But a lot of that healing , a lot of that unifying went right along with the spread of Thanksgiving as it slowly made its way through the United States . What I 'm saying to you , folks , is in 1880 if you lived in South Georgia you didn 't celebrate Thanksgiving at all . You didn 't even notice . You didn 't even care . If you had a kid in college up north , he 'd write you a letter about it , you were like , " Yeah , you 're with that damn Yankee holiday . " And today , Thanksgiving is celebrated in all 50 states . And it 's one of the first American traditions that 's uniquely American , that legal immigrants , and even illegal immigrants - let me be fair - that come to our country adopt as one of their own . It is one of the most unifying things in America and it 's why I get disgusted when people try to tear it down . And on Thanksgiving Day we should not just get together and eat food and be thankful for the bounty in front of us . We should think of the other things that we 're thankful for . So I ask you to pause today and just think what are you thankful for ? As you continue to prepare for the unknown future and try to make your life better , whether it gets bad or it doesn 't , living the show credo as you continue to be an ant like those brave people before us that were preppers and survivalists and didn 't even know that that 's what it was called . It was just living back then . Think about all the things that make your life easier . The fact that you can turn a switch and a light bulb will come on . The fact that if you 're cold there 's a little boThe fact that a person like me is free to get on the Internet and blast his government - and sometimes support it - and no one shows up at my house to take me away . That you 're free to listen to it and no one shows up at your house and takes you away . That you 're free to go to any church , temple , or synagogue that you want to worship God is your choice or you 're free to not . The freedom to do so and the freedom to not do so is something that long ago became uniquely American . It 's prevalent in many places in the world today . But people often think of the Puritans and the Pilgrims being deeply religious . And they held their own community to deep religious standards , but they didn 't try to force that onto other communities . They really didn 't . It 's a misnomer . They did try to spread it among the Indians , and that didn 't work out real good , but you know nobody 's perfect . Think about how grateful you should be that you can walk up to a police officer in this nation and ask for help and get it because there 's places where people so fear their police they would never go to a police officer for help . Think about how grateful you are that despite the fact that our education system needs a massive overhaul , at least everybody learns how to read that wants to in this country . And that 's true . No matter how bad you want to put down the education system , any kid that goes to our schools , any of them , even the crappiest one , that wants to learn to read , to write , and do basic math , they 'll come out with that education . There 's places in the world where you can 't buy that education . Be grateful for all that we have . And just remember that unique part of Thanksgiving that no one ever talks about that I talked to you earlier . Just remember that when people 200 years ago sat down to a massive banquet , it wasn 't just patting themselves on the back . It wasn 't just being thankful . It was we know winter 's almost here . We know that the last days that the sun really is warm on our faces are almost over for a while . We know that we 're gPosted by once was a farmer looking for a young man to help out at the farm . There were several young men who interviewed for the job and as far as the farmer could tell , they were about equally well qualified . He then asked them each one final question , " Tell me , " he would say , " why should replies , there was one that was really different . One young man said , " Because I can sleep through anything . " At first the farmer thought it was just strange . The more he thought , the more he was intrigued and mystified by the response . So he figured , well I will give this young man a chance , and hired him . Weeks went by and the farmer was pretty happy with the young man 's work . He still wondered sometimes what of the night with a phone call from a neighbor . " There 's a big storm coming in with lots of wind , maybe a tornado . Better get ready for it . " was the quick message . Indeed as the farmer went to the door and looked out , he found that the wind was strong and rising , and rain had started . He quickly ran and tried to awaken the young man to help him get everything ready for the blow . Try as he might , the young man couldn 't be stirred . Muttering to himself about what a stupid thing he had done in hiring a lazy boy who wouldn 't wake up when he really needed him , the farmer went out to the farm . He went out to tie down the hay , but discovered that the hay was already tied down securely . Next he went to the barn and the corrals . Everywhere he looked , everything had already been prepared . After a time of just wandering around the farm , learning that there was nothing that needed to be done at the last minute , because it had all been done ( prepared ) before , the farmer returned to his house , but instead of muttering , he actually found himself singing the praises of this young man . He had realized , to his great joy , that the reason the young man could sleep through anything was because before he went to bed each and every night he had already prepared for the very worst . And so the farmer followed the example of the young man , since everything was already prepared , he undressed and was soon fast asleep , with a huge smile of peace on his face . This young man had nothing to fear and was not stricken with panic at the onset of the storm because he was fully prepared . He had put forth the necessary time and effort to secure everything well in Step 1 - Pre heat a frying pan to medium heat . Too high of heat and the bread will burn before the egg was done . ( See below ) Step 2 - Butter the bread on both sides . Step 3 - Cut a circular hole in the bread . I usually use a small cup or mason jar . Step 4 - Select a fresh egg . These are eggs from our chickens . Step 5 - Place the buttered bread with the hole in it in a pre - heated pan Step 6 - An egg is cracked into the " basket " cut into the toast . Step 7a - Don 't burn the meal . I had the heat set too high and burned my first attempt at breakfast . Step 7b - When the underside is grilled nicely and the egg white is a bit solid , flip it over . I hope that you try and like this . I know of a lot of people ( myself included ) that consider this dish to be a really good comfort food . Posted by Glow Sticks , Sales & Prepping On The Cheap One of the things that I hear when I speak to others about preparedness is that is costs too much money . While going into how much it will really cost you later if TSHTF is beyond the scope of this post , I would like to bring up a point that people often overlook . That point is that you can usually find some of the items that you need for prepping on sale if you know when to look . We went looking through the Halloween merchandise and all of it was marked 50 % off . I found the glow sticks and they were not marked , so off I went to find a price scanner . Two aisles later , I confirmed that the glow sticks were included as a part of the sale for forty - eight cents each ! . Some may argue the point of needing glow sticks in an emergency situation . People have said that they don 't produce enough light , etc . While that may be true , that does not mean that one light source fits all situations . A 1 , 000 , 000 candle watt light is too much to be used to work on a vehicle . It 's also the wrong light for reading maps at night , if one is looking to maintain Operations Security ( OPSEC ) If you have children , you know the importance of what feeling secure means to them ( and to you ) . A forty - eight cent glow stick may be just the thing to calm a child 's nerves or fears as it acts as a little slice of security . This is especially evident during a nighttime power outage . Glow sticks are just one example of some of the items that can be gotten at a good price . The key is to have the items that you are looking for / those that you need on a list . Try to notice when products go on sale and when . Another key is to try to think outside of the box . For those into prepping , Halloween sales also cover " makeup " that one could use as camo paint for their face . Why spend $ 8 . 00 for a camo compacts when you can get $ 1 . 00 tubes of face paint half - price ? Last night , I was working on a shelving project in our garage . During this time , I went out to work barefoot ( I really like the freeing feeling of not wearing shoes ) and was working fine for about an hour . I got to a part of the project that needed a drill , so I leaned over a storage bin to plug my drill in and when I leaned back , my left foot caught the edge of a 4 " metal bracket that was laying randomly on the garage floor and cut the sole of my foot . After getting the cut , I immediately went in the house to wash the wound out and apply an anti - biotic and bandage . Hey , I was foolish enough to get cut , but I was not going to get an infection as well . When my wife saw me walking on the side of my foot through the living room , the first thing that she asked me was , " Have you had a tetanus shot in the last 10 years ? " I thought and I thought , thinking back to projects that both ended well and had a Tim Allen - like result and I couldn 't remember . " I don 't think so , " I replied and really didn 't think much about it until this morning . Around mid - morning , my curiosity got the best of me as to what * may * happen if I got tetanus . What I read wasn 't pretty . I went from not really giving the matter too much thought to thinking about and hoping that I wouldn 't die of suffocation ( see next paragraph ) . . . OK , enough drama : ) Tetanus is a serious and potentially fatal infection caused by Clostridium tetani bacteria that enters the body through cuts , deep puncture wounds , insect bites , burns or possibly any breaks in the skin . The bacteria produces a toxin that affects the nervous system and brain , beginning with stiffness of the muscles and jaw , thus the term " lockjaw . " The stiffness can initially lead to difficulty swallowing , spasms , leading to the more serious complications such as suffocation , heart attack , blood poisoning and death . Take the time to wear protective gear , if appropriate . A pair of shoes would 've lessened the likelihood that I would have gotten cut , although increased the chances that bacteria would 've made it into the wound . ( With 4 children you pick up little gems like this from the doctors in the emergency room ) Would I get another tetanus shot when the time comes ? Yes , absolutely ! Especially with the the uncertainties in life right now , you never really know what is going to happen . I always tell my children to " Expect the best , but prepare for the worst . " The tetanus shot gives me a 10 year window of one less thing to worry about in homesteading and prepping . Since Fall arrived , we 've had aour share of colder than normal days . Today was 15 ° colder than normal . We 're supposed to get our first real frost tonight . We 've had some light frost which withered our grapes and what 's left of our tomato and pepper plants . In order to prepare for the freeze , we dug our some old moving blankets that were given to us and wrapped our rain barrels with them , then secured them with bungee straps . The added insulation helped keep them from freezing last year ( our first year with them ) . I originally thought that if they were full that they wouldn 't freeze just do to the sheer amount of water , but have heard several stories of people whose water barrels froze partially , expanding and cracking them , so we didn 't want to take any chances . Lastly , I stopped by the our chickens . Their feathers came in just in time and they were all fluffed and full . I removed their waterer for the night as it 's an outside one and it 's made of metal , so it 'd definitely freeze . Fry in olive oil for best health and flavor , until brown and soft . Although I 've never tried it , here is the recipe for Green Tomato Bread , if you 'd like to try it . Enjoy the weather and stay warm ! A while after putting this into practice , we had one of our older children come home from high school to tell us of a problem that they had with someone gossiping ( and outright lying ) about them . One person who hear the story simply said , " I know him and that 's not the type of person he is . " The situation was then diffused and dismissed . and Woodcraft . He was an American illustrator , author , youth leader , and social reformer who founded the Sons of Daniel Boone in 1905 , which Beard later merged with the Boy Scouts of America . I like his insight into nature and how the human spirit craves to belong in it and I believe that that is reflected in a lot of his writing for in addition to practical knowledge , there is a lost of wisdom woven into his pages . However crude these verses may be , the sentiment is all right . But may be it will express our idea better if we do not attempt rhyme . Suppose we try it this way On a hunting trip , a pastor friend of ours once helped us ( our boys and myself ) to understand a little more about nature when we were hunting . We had gotten up at 3 : 30 in the morning to get ready and to be in the woods ready to hunt at sun - up . " Listen . , " he would say . " The sounds of crickets and the owls give way to various bird songs as the woods slowly woke from it 's slumber . " Some of the earliest memories that I have are of going down our family friend , Mamie 's house . Mamie and her husband Jim lived a simple life . She cooked everything fresh from scratch and he hunted . I remember going out back and looking at all of the hunting dogs who always seemed to be incessantly barking . There were some things that I thought about that really help get one started , which is the key . The journey , is the goal . I 've found that is important to try to do something . . . anything on a daily basis that helps move you towards your goal of self - sufficiency . Some things to think about to get you started include : With the passing of each generation , I am firmly convinced that there are a lot of skills that simply vanish . I 've heard it said over and over again , " My grandfather used to hunt , " or " My grandmother used to sew . " We 've become so accustomed to being a microwave ( I want it now ) society that the " old ways " are simply not taught anymore . Do you know where your food comes from ? . . . What 's sprayed on them ? . . . What genetic manipulation was done to the food ? . . . What could be better than taking control of what you and your family eat to ensure that it is healthy , nutritious and grown with your own two hands ? Similarly to the statement above . Do you know what is in the chicken that you buy at the grocery store ? . . . What hormones are in it ? Not to mention that chickens are a remarkable ( and easy ) animal to start of with . It seems like we ( as a culture ) have lost a sense of personal responsibility . There is always some excuse for mistakes that we made . People are always looking for someone , increasingly the government , to bail them out , give them food , provide a house , transportation , a cell phone , etc . There is little that is more rewarding than being the master of your own destiny , in a matter of speaking . God is the ultimate Master of us , but there is such incredible personal satisfaction in knowing and celebrating your accomplishments . Imagine , eating a meal provided by your garden and own animals in a house that you and your family built . This goes hand - in - hand with growing your own . There are times of surplus . These are the times that you put back food either through canning , dehydrating , smoking or freezing to preserve it for future lean times . Having stored food also lets you be a blessing to others in need . A pastor once told me that we are blessed to be a blessing . How true that is ! This goes along to what I 've said a few times above . Do something , anything , everyday . You will not regret it and it will help to keep you focused on living the lifestyle that you want to live .
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Today , when I landed at J . F . K . for a business trip , I turned on my phone and was inundated with several voicemails and text messages from family and close friends back in Seattle . " Call home . Your mom had a severe stroke and is currently in intensive care , " read the first text message to pop - up on my phone . My boss was with me , told me she 'd handle things herself , and insisted that I catch the next flight back home . As I stood in line at the ticket counter , talking to my brother about my mother 's condition , crying , and explaining that I was going to try to make a flight that leaves in 30 minutes , the twelve people in line in front of me overheard my conversation and let me skip to the front . Then after the Delta rep quickly issued me a ticket , she walked around the counter , handled me a box of tissues , and before I had a chance to react , gave me a big hug . I made my flight . And my mom is now in stable condition . MMT Today , at the local convenience store where I work an elderly man with a guide dog came in , went to the aisle with the greetings cards , picked up a card , held it up extremely close to his face , and struggled to read it . Just as I was about to walk over to help him , a big truck driver asked him if he needed assistance reading , and then proceeded to read him almost every single greeting card out loud until the elderly man smiled and said , " That 's perfect ! My wife will love that one ! " MMT Today , I put an ad up on Craigslist stating that I was looking for a cheap laptop for my first semester of college ( I 'm 18 and live by myself , so money is tight ) . An elderly man replied saying he had one for me , and dropped off a nearly brand new laptop . He insisted that he wanted nothing in return . In his words , he said , " I bought this six months ago , but I only use my desktop . It just sits around collecting dust . So now I consider it a good investment in a young , bright future . " MMT Today , I 'm the head janitor at an investment firm in L . A . Since the engine in my truck failed four months ago I 've been without a vehicle . In some cities this might be okay , but in the L . A . sprawl with subpar public transit , it 's been difficult . The CEO , who is usually hard on everyone and emotionally removed from any personal issues his employees have , overheard a phone conversation I was having with my wife in which I was apologizing for not spending enough time with the family due to the long public transit commute times . Ten minutes later , he caught me in the hall and handed me a set of car keys . " The new executive company cars arrived . One of them is for me . But it sounds like you need it more than I do . I have another set of wheels . It 's parked out back . It 's yours for as long as you need it . " MMT Today , I watched a teenage boy help an elderly woman with a cane onto the city bus I was riding . He was so careful with her , assisting her every step of the way . The woman had the biggest smile on her face . They both sat directly across from me , and just as I was about to compliment her with having a wonderful grandson , the boy looked at her and said , " My name is Chris . What 's your name , ma ' am ? " MMT Today , while standing in line at a store , my 9 year old daughter asked for a candy bar . After saying " no " twice , I gave in . I paid , and as we walked away I gave it to her . She stopped , turned around and handed it to a little boy that was crying in line behind us at the register . I asked her why she gave it to him and she said she heard the boy 's mom tell him they didn 't have money left for candy anymore until she can find another job . MMT Today , I work as a cashier at Target . Directly across from my register we have a large holiday charity donation box for needy kids sitting to the left of the 50 cent gumball and toy machines . On five separate occasions over the course of the last week , I have witnessed kids standing in front the gumball and toy machines , thinking about what to get , then reading the information on the donation box , and putting their 50 cents in there instead . MMT Today , in a little African village where I volunteer as a nurse , I passed out food to hungry children . And since I knew her only food for the day was the slice of wheat bread I had just given her , I did not let her see me cry when she tore the slice in two and gave the bigger half to her little brother . MMT Today , when I was walking to dinner outside in the cold with my elderly mom , she started walking slower and slower and digging through her bag . I often act out and get impatient with her . But when I finally had enough and was about to say something , she pulled out a five dollar bill and told me to give it to the homeless man sitting on the street curb . MMT Today , I saved a woman 's life using the Heimlich maneuver . And after she calmed down , finished eating , and had dessert , she left me a 600 % tip . MMT Today , at 7AM this morning the woman in line behind me at grocery store looked upset , so I bought her a fresh rose for $ 2 . 99 that was sitting in a bucket of water at the register . An hour later , when our new corporate VP showed up on her first day of work , she immediately smiled at me and said , " Thanks for the rose . I was just a little nervous this morning about my first day here . " MMT Today , I watched from the car as my teenage son walked into the front door of the school . He stopped and held the door open for the girl behind him who was in a wheelchair . And although I sometimes give him a hard time , that small moment reminded me he 's a pretty darn good kid . MMT Today , I have a recently torn ACL , and my knee is still too swollen to walk . I was crutching through the rain across the quad on my college campus , wearing a rain coat , but otherwise exposed to the elements ( you can 't really carry an umbrella while on crutches ) . As I was trying to get out of the rain as quickly as possible , a girl I didn 't know stopped and offered to put my hood up for me , which I gladly accepted . Her random act of kindness surprised me , and MMT . Today , for a moment I was frustrated to go to work on a Saturday morning . Then I remembered waking up in a safe warm bed when others don 't . I contemplated driving in my nice car , while others walk . I sipped on my warm coffee and ate a slice of toast while I thought about how others went to bed hungry last night and woke up this morning , still hungry . Instead of fretting about working today , I choose to smile . It 's my goal to find someone who woke up cold and hungry this morning , and give them what I make today , hoping it will make much more than a day 's difference to them . MMT Today , my dad handed me a bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towel as we got in the car . He turned to me and said , " I just talked to your mom while she was on her lunch break . She mentioned her windshield got covered in bugs on the drive to work . Since we 're going to drive right by her work anyway , I figured we 'd clean them off for her . It 's the little things , kiddo , which keeps love going . " By chance , while my dad was cleaning the windshield , my mom came out with her kids for recess . Her smile and seeing how in love my parents are MMT . Today , at work we suddenly got very busy and I had to make several sandwiches while being yelled at by a coworker . After I was finished and was close to tears a lady came up to the counter and said , " You were the one who made my sandwich right ? I just wanted you to know that it was amazing ! Every time I come here you have a smile no matter how busy it is . " Her validation when I needed it most MMT . Today , late at night , I was driving on the highway when my tailpipe busted and started dragging along the street , making a loud noise and creating sparks . I pulled over and the man behind me pulled over too . I was nervous to get out of the car and had no cell phone . He told me he usually had tools but had recently taken them out of his car . He searched his trunk and found an old coat hanger . Somehow , using the coat hanger , he got my tailpipe hiked up enough and secured it so it wouldn 't drag . He also burned himself in the process . He wouldn 't take any money but said he hoped someone would help his family if they needed it . Because of his selflessness my kids and I were able to get safely to a garage near a relative . Good people like him MMT . Today , I found one of my old high school friends , who used to tutor me in math , begging for money outside of a convenience store . I took him out to lunch and he spilled his guts to me about how his wife ( also an old friend from high school ) died from cancer last year ; and that due to a combination of lack of medical insurance , the loss of his job , and the downturn in the economy which forced him to foreclose on his home , he has nothing left . I set him up with a place to stay in my second bedroom , and told him we 'd be roommates for as long as it takes him to get back on his feet . MMT Today , I woke up because of a rumbling outside . I looked out the window to see my teenage neighbor , who I rarely get along with , dragging my trash can up my driveway out of the wind . MMT Today , I was at my job as a hostess . It was an especially hard day , and many customers had been rude to me . One man was sitting alone , eating at a table beside me . As I stood there , close to tears , he looked me in the eye and asked me what I wanted to do with my life . I told him I was going to school to be a teacher . When he left , he hugged me and handed me a twenty dollar bill . He said , " Make a difference , sweetheart , " and left . MMT Today , I took my guitar up to the city center intending to busk and make some money for a festival ticket I wanted . Instead I decided to play next to a homeless man . I made over $ 100 for him and spoke to him for a few hours . Turns out he had lost his wife and house in the same week a year ago , and told me through tears that he never believed a stranger could be so kind . MMT Today , my mom had my grandfather - my dad 's father - over for Easter Sunday dinner because his wife passed away and my dad was away on business . My mom and dad have been divorced for 13 years , but my mom didn 't want my grandfather to be alone . Her kindness MMT . Today , a young man three seats away from me on the airplane purchased a meal . When his debit card wouldn 't work , the woman next to him gave her debit card to the flight attendant . As she did this , the young man said " thank you " and asked the flight attendant if they offered military discounts , as he 's active duty . The flight attendant handed the woman her card and told them both it was on the house . MMT Today , I was walking my 6 - year - old son to school when we passed a homeless woman holding a sign that said , " Please help me ! I 'm hungry . " My son let go of my hand , opened his lunchbox , pulled out half of his ham sandwich and handed it to the woman . With the most sincere smile on her face , the woman said , " Oh my goodness , thank you ! " and then immediately took a big bite of the sandwich . MMT Today , eight of my female students , who are all on the soccer team , showed up in class with dramatically shorter haircuts . After they found out their soccer coach had been diagnosed with breast cancer , they all went together yesterday afternoon and each of them donated 14 inches of hair to a cancer charity for wigs . MMT Today , I work at a college where one of our commuter students lost her house in a fire . She has three children , including a 3 - year - old boy . I offered to donate my 4 - year - old son 's clothes that no longer fit . After bagging up the clothes and explaining that the clothes were going to be given to a little boy whose house burned down , my son went and got two of his toy Matchbox cars . He put them in the bag and said , " Now he 'll have some toys to play with too . " MMT Today , I saw an older man sitting on a bench in Bryant Park wearing the same exact brand and style coat and boots I donated to a local charity for the needy this past holiday season . I 'm not 100 % sure they were the items I donated , but when I walked by the man , I said , " Nice boots ! " And he replied , " Thanks . A special someone gave them to me for Christmas . " MMT Today , at the animal shelter where I volunteer , a little boy and his mom , who had adopted a kitten last week , came into our lobby carrying big bags full of food , toys , blankets , and other supplies we desperately need . The boy 's mom said , " Today is his birthday . Instead of birthday presents , he asked his dad and me to help donate to the shelter . " MMT Today , as I cried in front of the cash register at the drug store , a customer in line behind me felt sorry for me for having my college health insurance expire the day before and paid the $ 180 fee for my depression medication , saying , " Smile . The gift giving season just came early this year . " MMT Today , I missed the last bus home by a matter of seconds . I was actually chasing the bus down the street , but I couldn 't get the driver 's attention . It was dark and cold outside , and I was exhausted . I literally fell to my knees in tears because I 'm barely making ends meet , and a taxi fare to my house is nearly $ 70 . But a few seconds later a woman named Jayden stopped her car on the side of the road , rolled down her window , and said , " I don 't usually do this , but do you need a ride ? I 've been in your shoes before and I know it sucks . " She gave me a ride all the way to my apartment , and we had a great conversation on the way that left us both smiling as I got out of her car . MMT Today , I was serving a lady and her blind daughter . I didn 't really pay too much attention to the blind girl 's condition . I simply chatted with her , took her order , and served her like I would anyone else . I really didn 't think anything of it . But when I went to collect their final bill , the lady had left me a 400 % tip and wrote on the receipt , " Thank you for treating my daughter with respect and making her laugh . You made my day . " MMT Today , my bicycle tire popped on my way home from work . I was walking it along the side of the road when a car pulled over a few yards in front of me . A lady got out and said , " Hey , I own a bicycle shop downtown called New Spokes Bicycles . I have a spare tire in my trunk . Let me help you out , free of charge . " She then took a small toolbox and a new tire out of her trunk , changed my tire , gave me her business card , and drove away . MMT Today , I was at a baseball game with my girlfriend . It was the first game she had ever been to . She talked the whole time about wishing she could catch a home run . When a ball came soaring in our direction , a young teenage boy sitting in front of us caught it . He immediately turned around and offered it to my girlfriend and me . We thanked him and insisted that he keep the ball . But his kindness , especially at his age , MMT . Today , it 's been two years nice my mom lost her battle with cancer . She was 40 at the time and I was 13 . Since then her best friend , Joy , has treated me like her own daughter . She picks me up for school 3 days a week on the mornings my dad has to leave early , packs me lunches , takes me to doctor 's appointments , talks to me about the birds and the bees , etc . Recently I told her that I appreciate it , and she replied , " There 's no reason to thank me . As far as friends go , your mom was my soul mate . And although I decided to never have kids , I have one , you . I love you like my own daughter . " MMT Today , my son is confined to a wheelchair and can 't participate in a lot of things because of it . This past weekend we went to an orchard to buy apples . The orchard staff was offering wagon rides for a small price . He wanted to go but we couldn 't get his chair in the wagon . A couple of men working at the orchard picked him up , chair and all and took him on a 20 minute trip around the orchard . When they returned they unloaded him and refused to take the wagon ride fee . My son had the biggest smile on his face . MMT Today , after drinking several beers at a bar downtown for my friend 's birthday party , I walked down the road to the bus stop and waited . I was too tight on cash to get a taxi , but I could afford a bus fare . While I was waiting at the bus stop , a taxi pulled up to see if I wanted a ride . It turned out to be a taxi driver who has given me a ride several times before over the years . I said , " No thanks , I 'm tight on money right now and I don 't have enough cash on me . " " Don 't worry about it , jump in , " he said . " You 're a regular , and you 've tipped me well over the years . I 'm getting off my shift now anyway , and I 'm heading your way . " He dropped me off at my home free of charge , and even refused a small tip . He smiled and said , " Tonight I 'm giving you the tip . " MMT Today , in my check - out line at the grocery store where I work , a flustered elderly woman realized she was six dollars short on cash for her groceries , and didn 't have a credit card on her . The three people in line immediately behind her each chipped in two dollars so she didn 't have to put anything back . Their spontaneous generosity MMT . Today , on my birthday , on my last delivery of the night , I delivered a pizza to one of our regular customers . When he opened the door , he threw confetti , grabbed the pizzas , and said , " Jason , you 've been delivering my pizzas for two years now and they 're always hot and delicious ! Your co - worker told me I would be your final delivery this evening , because you 're taking the rest of the night off to celebrate your birthday . Happy birthday ! Have some fun on me this evening . " And then he handed me a $ 100 tip . MMT Today , on a really busy morning at the grocery store where I work , I was ringing up a teenage boy who came to my register with a cart full of groceries . I scanned all of the items and began to bag them when he told me that he would bag them , which people rarely do . Once he paid , he stood nearby waiting on his little sister who was in the restroom . I began to scan another customer 's groceries and the teenage boy walked back to my register and began to bag the customer 's groceries for me . He said , " You look tired , and I 'm just standing around . Let me help you . " He bagged her groceries , smiled at me and left when his sister returned . MMT Today , while walking my dog I saw a homeless man holding a box of kittens . When I asked him about them , he said that someone had abandoned them next to a dumpster in the alley way where he sleeps . " I 've been feeding them whatever food I could find , " he continued . " But I could use some help if you know someone who could give them a better home . " I called my dog 's vet , who is the ultimate animal lover , and told her the story and where to find the homeless man . This evening I received a voicemail from the vet . She said , " I just wanted to thank you , and let you know that I have temporarily adopted the kittens . I will make sure each of them finds a permanent , happy home . Also , I was so moved by Shawn 's ( the homeless man ) goodwill , and the fact that he seems levelheaded , that I have offered him a part time job at the animal clinic and a free place to stay until he can get his act together . Not sure how that will go , but I figured it was worth a try . " MMT Today , I am an Iraq and Afghanistan veteran . Upon arriving home three years ago from my final tour to Afghanistan I found out that my wife had been cheating on me and had spent / stole almost all of our money . I had nowhere to stay and no phone and was suffering from severe anxiety problems . One of my close friends from high school , Shawn , and his wife , seeing that I was in need of help , took me in and let me live with their family of five . They helped me deal with my divorce and get my life together . Since then , I 've moved into my own place , opened a fairly successful diner , and my friend 's kids call my Uncle Jay when they see me . The way they adopted me into their family in my desperate time of need will always MMT . Today , my husband and I were shopping at a thrift store and came across a huge lego collection that they were selling in bulk . We wanted to get it for our son for Christmas , but we didn 't have enough cash on us and , truthfully , it was out of our price range . After a short discussion , we moved on and shopped around the rest of the store . About 30 minutes later when we got to the checkout counter the entire lego set was sitting up there . The cashier said , " These legos are for you . A man who was in here earlier paid for them , pointed to you and said , " I 'm buying this for those two over there . Please have them pick it up before they leave . " MMT Today , it 's been ten years since my best friend became ill and needed a kidney transplant . As I was a fitting donor , I chose to donate one of my healthy kidneys to her even after doctors said her chance of survival was only 30 % , and that there would be inherent risks to my health as well . But here I am at 10AM , getting ready to drive to her wedding venue where , in just a few short hours , I will be her maid of honor as she marries the love of her life who she happened to meet at the hospital ten years ago . MMT Today , after coming home from an exhausting twelve hour shift at the hospital , I realized I had forgotten to collect my laundry from the dryer in the shared laundry room of my apartment complex . I was particularly bitter about this because it meant that all of my clean work clothes would now be wrinkled and need to be ironed . Tired and with aching feet , I went to retrieve my laundry only to find that someone had taken all of my clothes out of the dryer and neatly folded them for me . MMT Today , it 's been four months since I totaled my car . I have been in and out of the hospital a lot ever since with severe back pain . This forced me to use all my sick time and vacation time . This morning my boss , who is usually really hard on me , called me into her office and told me she talked with HR and donated five days of her own unused vacation time to me so I would still get paid when I go out of town to visit my parents for Christmas . MMT Today , I was putting quarters into a parking meter for my parking spot downtown when a homeless man asked me if I could spare some change . I actually had a lot of coins in my purse , so I handed him about five dollars in change . The meeting I attended downtown ran about two hours longer than I had expected it to , and about an hour longer than I had paid for on the parking meter . But when I got to my car , the homeless man I had given change to earlier was putting a quarter into my parking meter . When he saw me , he said , " Oh good , you 're back . A little while ago the meter maid was ticketing cars with expired meters , so I 've been slowly putting some change into your meter to keep you out of trouble . " MMT Today , I was hungry when I boarded my flight home from San Diego to Chicago . I was craving a Sullivans Steakhouse filet ( Sullivans is my favorite restaurant ) , so I sarcastically tweeted , " Hey @ SullivansSteak - Can you meet me at the O ' Hare airport with a 10 oz filet when I land at 8PM ? Great , thanks ! : ) " It was just a joke , so I didn 't expect anything to come of it . But when I walked past the security exit toward baggage claim there was a man wearing a Sullivans polo and holding a sign with my name on it . When I introduced myself , he said , " Our CEO just happened to see your tweet this evening and had us prepare this for you . It 's on the house . Welcome home . " MMT Today , I met an older woman at a large art fair my company was attending who sat at the booth next to ours . Her small business makes pressed flower books . This morning I overheard her explain how difficult it is to perfectly press the flowers . She said that the hardest part of making a book is to find the right flowers - ones that are in good shape . She said she wished flowers would just pop up nearby in perfect shape . On my lunch break I came across a patch of beautiful wildflowers on the side of the road . I stopped and picked the nicest flowers I could find and put them in a plastic bag . When I got back from lunch , before she got to her booth , I put the bag of flowers in the woman 's booth . Ten minutes later when she opened the bag , the look on her face was like a little kid opening a great present on Christmas morning . I didn 't tell her they were from me , but she noticed me looking at her , held the flowers up for me to see and with the biggest smile on her face said , " Someone just made my week ! " MMT Today , I was ringing up a soldier wearing his uniform at Walmart . When I thanked him for his service , he smiled and said that he just got back from Afghanistan and was happy to be home . Then as I read him the amount he owed for his purchases , a man with a small son who was in line behind the soldier stepped forward and handed me cash for the soldier 's purchases . He looked at him and said , " Thank you for your service . This one 's on me , " and then looked down at his son , pointed back at the soldier and said , " This is what a hero looks like . " MMT Today , I served a large table of rude people at the restaurant where I work . The cook made one small error on one of the orders and , even after I fixed the mistake , all ten of the people at the table , who I had waited on hand and foot for two hours , didn 't leave me a cent for a tip . One of them actually wrote , " Maybe you 'll get it right next time , " on a napkin . It almost brought me to tears . Then a few minutes later I went to pick - up the final signed receipt from two business men who were sitting across from the table of ten . They left me a $ 100 tip and also left me a note on a napkin that said , " Don 't let those fools ruin that beautiful smile . " MMT Today , after the veterinary informed me that the tumor in Rogan 's ( my 7 year old dog ) abdomen was malignant and life threatening , I cried in the waiting area for several minutes and told the doctor that I could not afford the $ 920 that it would cost for the surgery to remove it . " Well , we 'll keep him here for the rest of the day and run a few more tests , " the doctor said . " Go home , get some rest , and I 'll call you in a few hours . " I left and I didn 't hear from the veterinary 's office for 7 hours until this evening at 7PM . The doctor called and told me he decided to do the surgery free of charge . " I 've already removed the tumor , " he said . " Rogan is doing well . Since we caught it early , he will likely make a full recovery . " MMT Today , my son is a competitive freestyle swimmer at the top of his sport both locally and regionally . He was won both the county and state 200 meter and 400 meter races . About six years ago , when my son was only thirteen , I lost my job and struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table . Although it killed me inside , during this time , I had to force my son to dropout of swimming competitions and camps simply because I could not afford the swim gear and associated costs . Once he dropped - out , his swim coach came to our house and insisted that he re - join the team and all the competitions . " He 's too good , " he said . " I will help you pay his way . " And he did . Now six years later , my son received an invite to compete in the 2012 Summer Olympics in London . MMT Today , after being laid off for several months from my normal construction job , I returned home from my temporary bus boy job that I 'm working just to keep on the lights , and came to the realization that I could either afford to pay the mortgage or buy food for me and my daughter . Due to an unexpected hospital visit this month , I simply didn 't make enough money . As I was sitting alone at my kitchen table trying to figure out what I was going to do , I received a knock on the door from my neighbor who owns a local grocery store . He said , " Some wealthy couple ordered and paid for 50 platters of cold cuts , fruit , salad , and chicken wings for some party they were hosting , but then called me this afternoon and said that they had to cancel the party . When I told them that the food was already prepared and paid for , they said , ' Give it away to someone who needs it . ' I know you 've been struggling with your job recently , so I thought of you first . " Needless to say , my daughter and I now have enough food to last us the rest of the month until I get paid again . MMT Today , my husband , who is an Army Ranger deployed in Afghanistan , emailed me 15 photos and a short video clip of him and 7 of his platoon mates laughing and goofing around while wearing the Santa hats , vests , and various holiday trinkets I shipped to him last week . At the end of the video clip they all struck a funny pose and shouted , " Thanks for making us smile , Amy ! " Knowing my small gesture made a difference MMT . Today is the one year anniversary of my mom 's death . I woke up this morning feeling really down about it , but when I turned on my phone I had 8 text messages and 4 voicemails from different friends , all letting me know that they were here for me if I needed them . The fact that they care and remembered without me saying anything makes me smile and MMT . Today , it 's been almost 30 years since I first started volunteering at the local library for the bi - weekly ' Children 's Story Hour . ' Reading to the kids , seeing their expressions and answering some of their curious questions has been my healing escape from the daily grind over the years . But I never really looked at my volunteer work as anything more … until today . Today our local news channel completed a series entitled , " Local Heroes . " 127 adults in the county voted for me , saying something like , " Cheryl 's ' Story Hour ' is one of the warmest memories from my childhood . " I didn 't even realize I had been nominated until a news truck pulled up to my house this afternoon . My 127 votes landed me a tie for 2nd place . And interestingly , all the other names on the top of the list were local firefighters , police , and politicians . MMT Today , a few months after my fifth bone marrow donation for my 8 - year - old cousin who is battling leukemia , I found out that he is now healthy enough to return to " normal daily activity . " He starts school again next week . MMT Today , I finished my four years of active duty service in the Marine Corps . I 've spent the last few days tying loose ends in the area . This afternoon I went to a local pub I 've been frequenting for the last couple of years . I had an open tab for what probably amounts to a couple hundred dollars and I wanted to pay the tab before I left town . The owner wasn 't in , so I had the main bartender look up my tab for me . " Didn 't you pay it off already ? " she asked . " No , " I replied . " Well , our records indicate that you paid it off last week . " She showed me a receipt marked ' paid ' initialed by the owner . " He 's very meticulous with his finances , " she continued . " So you must have paid it last week . " I was out of town last week . MMT Today , one of my regulars - an older guy name Jay - came into the convenience store at my gas station and ordered his usual coffee and newspaper . He placed them on the counter and then went to the back and grabbed a bag of dog food and a pre - made sandwich . I didn 't think anything of it until about 10 minutes after he left when I stepped outside to have a cigarette and a homeless man with a dog was sitting out front . The dog was eating directly out of a bag of dog food and the man was eating a sandwich . MMT Today , when my wife showed up to do a 5K walk in support of her breast cancer , over 400 of her current and past students ( she 's a high school English teacher ) and several of her colleagues showed up , unexpectedly , wearing pink shirts with her photo and a caption that read , " We 're going to beat this together . " I 've never seen my wife so overwhelmed with joy before in my life . MMT Today , my two daughters , 4 and 6 , wanted ice cream from the ice cream shop next to the grocery store we had just finished shopping at . But ever since my husband and I were forced to foreclose on our home we have been budgeting our money down to the penny , and only using cash for our purchases . I explained to my daughters that I had only brought enough money for the groceries . They were upset , but okay with it . Then , as we were packing all the groceries in our car , the ice cream store owner walked up with two double scoop ice cream cones . He said , " I was out front a minute ago and overheard your conversation . Today the ice cream is on me . " MMT Today , an elderly woman sitting at a Starbucks where I was eating my lunch accidently spilled her coffee . Before she could even get up , a man sitting at a table nearby ( a total stranger ) grabbed his napkins and pushed the spilt coffee on the table away from her before it dripped onto her lap . As an employee walked over to help clean up , he asked the elderly lady what kind of coffee she was drinking and then went up to the counter and ordered another cup for her on his own dime . MMT Today , almost 5 years after I stopped volunteering at the suicide prevention hotline , the new manager gave me a call . She said this afternoon they received a $ 25 , 000 anonymous donation to help fund the support line . Along with the donation they received an email that read , " Thank you Claire . You saved my life . " Apparently , I 'm the only Claire who ever volunteered there . MMT Today , my dad brought me into the city to one of his favorite restaurants . He ordered a large amount of food and only ate half of it . On the way home , he drove a route I was unfamiliar with . He pulled over near an alley and said , " I 'll be right back . " Then he grabbed the leftovers , ran into the alley , and returned empty handed . When I asked him what he did , he replied , " There 's a homeless veteran back there who I 've been giving leftovers to for the last 10 years . " MMT Today , I ran into the same homeless man twice . The first time was when he asked me for some spare change and I handed him a five dollar bill . The second time was in the grocery store line 30 minutes later when I realized he was at the register two people in front of me buying milk and bread totaling $ 4 . 97 . MMT Today , as I stood at the foot of my fiancé 's grave crying , a pretty woman came up to me and gave me a huge hug . She said , " I 'm sorry for your loss . I know exactly how you feel . My husband passed away 3 years ago . " Then we stood in silence together for several minutes . Now I 'm sitting across the table from her at a coffee house . Her name is Angel . We 've spent the last two hours talking . MMT Today , my oldest brother was deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months . My mom was really upset . This evening my brother 's best friend knocked on our door and spent a couple of hours chatting with my mom and telling her funny stories from the past about my brother . He told me , " I came over just to make your mom smile . " MMT Today , a boy in my 9th grade home economics class brought in two dozen red roses and gave one rose to every girl in the class , then handed me the remaining roses and said , " These are for you . " He did this following a conversation a few of my girls started in class yesterday about never receiving flowers from anyone . And they finished the conversation by asking me if had . I jokingly said , " It 's been a long time . " MMT Today , on the NYC subway I was riding a very pregnant woman got on the packed train and an elderly man immediately got up and offered the woman his seat . She smiled and sat down . Then , no more than 5 seconds later , a teenager with spiked blue hair got up and offered his seat to the elderly man . The elderly man smiled and sat down . MMT Today , we live in a lower - middle - class neighborhood . My wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer , so my 14 - year - old son decided that he wanted to raise money to help pay for some of her miscellaneous medical expenses . His idea was to go door to door around the neighborhood with battery operated hair clippers and let people shave a part of his head for a small donation of their choosing . He asked me whether a $ 100 goal would be too much . I told him not to get his hopes up . He came back home ten minutes ago with a totally bald head and $ 1 , 223 . Two people gave him $ 100 bills . MMT Today , I stopped on the side of the road to help an elderly man who was struggling with changing a flat tire . It turns out he was the firefighter who pulled my mom and me out of our burning apartment when I was a kid . Even though I hadn 't seen him in 30 years , it only took me a few seconds to recognize him . We chatted about it for awhile , and then as soon and I had the spare tire secured on his car , we looked at each other , shook hands and said , " Thank you , " simultaneously . MMT Gus Rowe says May 16 , 2012 at 12 : 44 am AWESOME to the very first story , and the many that follow ! This is where we shine as a world . Instinctively , no matter what our race , color , religion , gender , or social status , we always respond when we see another human being who 's in pain . It 's the way we should live every day , every moment , every second . Debbie says May 16 , 2012 at 12 : 46 am These stories are wonderful ! ! ! I loved reading them . Thank you and thanks to everyone who shared them ! jen says May 16 , 2012 at 12 : 48 am Wow ! Some of the stories you post here from time to time bring tears to my eyes and a swell in my heart . Keep them coming ; I have enough paper napkins for nose blowing . Inspiring ! On a weekday after work , the traffic was once again as usual a nightmare , on one of the main road traffic lights were off , this was causing absolute havoc . A selfless African gentleman got out of his comfy Merc and started directing traffic . He didn 't need to . There are good people out there ! ! ! Amit Sodha says May 16 , 2012 at 7 : 23 am Some of those brought tears to my eyes . Absolutely beautiful . On my radio show I normally discuss bizarre news stories , but today , as a change , I 'm going to talk about some of these . India - Leigh says May 16 , 2012 at 9 : 01 am THANK YOU ! to everyone who took the time to send in their stories and to Marc and Angel for taking the time to share them . I read every one and they are all so beautiful . Wouldn 't it be lovely if this was the sort of news we could have on our TV 's each morning ? ! xo Aline says May 16 , 2012 at 9 : 12 am Thank you . These are indeed day - brighteners and give hope to folks who have little . May the heavens continue to bless you as you spread happiness and good news . Shevonne says May 16 , 2012 at 10 : 36 am These beautiful stories made my day . I am here at work trying to stop the tears of joy . Thank you . Allison says May 16 , 2012 at 10 : 43 am I was in such a funk today and these stories brightened my day considerably . Some of them made me cry tears of joy for the beauty that people bring to others . Thank you : + } Debbie says May 16 , 2012 at 2 : 26 pm I wonder if the blue mohawked guy in # 73 is the same young guy I bought an ice cream for after he dropped the one he 'd just bought in times square last week . I 'd like to think so … We were visiting from Australia . Soo says May 16 , 2012 at 4 : 46 pm How easy it would be for us all to help create a more kind world simply by looking outside ourselves . My 8 year old Italian Greyhound had a Mast Cell Tumor that needed to be removed . As I am going through a long overdue divorce , and my money had been cut off , I could not see a way I could afford the care she needed . My sweet aunt and uncle arranged for both of my dogs free boarding at the Vet Clinic he use to own while I traveled out of state for divorce meetings . I came home to pick up my dogs , my Greyhound having had the surgery at a huge discount I could afford . I found out today they got all of the cancer . Such gratitude . I commit to and challenge others to looking for opportunities to make life happier for others . Kimbundance says May 16 , 2012 at 5 : 29 pm Wow ! These are some amazing stories . You do such a good job at telling these stories . This is the type of story that warms the heart . Carin says May 16 , 2012 at 8 : 07 pm Today , I was sick and had to cancel all my plans that I was looking forward to . I finally began to feel better enough in the late afternoon to check my emails . I was feeling kind of down as I did not really enjoy my day . Then I got an email that listed 75 instances of people doing good things for each other ! It MMT . Seriously , we sure could use more of this sort of thing , it would help us to feel better about each other ! Thanks for the reminder . YT says May 17 , 2012 at 1 : 44 am Thank you for compiling this list of inspiring life stories . I cried on reading them . Also realized that I 've already been doing random acts of kindness by just being myself . ( previously i thought random acts of kindness required more effort ) nwoods says May 17 , 2012 at 7 : 52 am In a world that often seems full of negative these were refreshing , positive , simple but meaningful acts of generosity . A random act of kindness , a smile , character and common courtesy still have value in day to day life . Thanks for sharing : ) Christine says June 6 , 2012 at 12 : 31 pm Thank you for these wonderful stories . I have been having troubles lately in every aspect of my life ( school , work , housing increase , car accident , debt … etc etc ) . Then I hear some of these stories and the kindess of other people , it reminds me that not everyone is out to get me and I could be worse off . Although I do truly wish that people would look more closely at the bigger picture and how every action has a chain reaction either it would be good or bad . Let 's hope for more good and kindess ! Vicki says December 4 , 2012 at 3 : 58 pm Today I went into work as normal ( I 'm a firefighter ) . My Chief called a team meeting shortly after which wasn 't unusual . So I changed into my uniform and joined the team meeting . It was then that he had announced that I had been nominated for ' Hero of the Year ' . Naturally I was extremely shocked and said that I wouldn 't accept the award because I was doing what all of us had done in the past . It wasn 't until then that I heard the talking and walking of people outside the station , my Chief said " Vicki , they 're here for you , go take a look " . I went outside and was met by about 50 - 60 people just staring at me with massive smiles on their faces . The rest of my station then walked past me and joined the crowd . One of my colleagues who I had never really gotten on with came up to me , and said ' Vicki , you 've saved all of us at least once , some of us more so , and we 'd like to show you our appreciation for all your help , loyalty and unwavering bravery ' It was at that point that I just broke down and started to cry . That 's when the Mayor walked up from between people in the crowd and said , ' If it wasn 't for you , I wouldn 't be here today , and I wouldn 't be able to present you with this award . The whole situation made my heart warm . To this day , I maintain that I was just doing my job , but knowing that I could make a difference to all those people , makes it 100 % worth it .
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Sunday morning we went to Kensington Palace . Getting there was kind of difficult b / c the website gives directions to the nearest tube station but it 's kind of vague after that . Somehow we couldn 't see it . We asked a couple of passers - by and got non - helpful answers but finally somebody told us to go through an alley and there we were . You see the big statue of William III out front . It was he who built the original palace . I didn 't get a pic but here it is . We didn 't buy tickets ahead of time and there was some nonsense with getting ours , but we ultimately prevailed . There were several exhibits . The first we wanted to look at , and the primary reason for our going , was the Victoria exhibit . Some of the movie " The Young Victoria " was shot here . When you look at the stairs she wasn 't allowed to go up and down without someone holding her hand , you see how ridiculous that was . Once her uncle died and she became Queen , of course , that stopped immediately . A dollhouse Victoria played with as a little girl , and some of her sketches . Photography came in while Queen Victoria was still a fairly young woman , but it was ponderous and difficult to take pix like that , so if you wanted to preserve a scene you needed to be able to draw it . So drawing was an important skill to have and it was taught seriously . She produced some really charming sketches of herchildren . There was a whole lot more to see in this exhibit . I didn 't take pix of it all . More childhood toys , a lot of stuff about her children . There was a room devoted to the dreadful story of Albert 's dying , and how the family suffered for it . Some tapestries . The room was dark and you couldn 't take flash photographs but I got a couple of pix . But you can 't tell how wonderful these are . The detail in the pictures - shading so that you see how light struck a garment that hung in folds , for example - is really impressive even before you really think how you 'd have to go about weaving that into a tapestry . We spent a lot of time in these and eventually were hungry . There 's a cafe at the gift shop . We had delicious roast beef sandwiches and ate them outside even though it was trying to rain , and of course had to spend a little time in the gift shop . Of course we did . Eventually we moved outside . The rain threat had slackened . The gardens are beautiful , as you may imagine . There is a lot more to it than this . You can 't , of course , see how cold it was , to F and me at least . There was an old man sitting on a bench and feeding nuts to squirrels , who were crawling all over him to get them . He told me he 'd been at that park every day for 10 years if it wasn 't raining . From there we went into beautiful Hyde Park . I wanted to find the Albert memorial . F was feeling really bad with her cold by then , so she sat on a bench and I went to find it . Then I came back and found her and said , " I 'm sorry , I know you feel really bad , but you have to see this . You have to . It 's ridiculous . " So F , who had been having conversation with a little girl who mostly spoke French , patiently got up and walked with me . . . November 5 my mother lost her long fight with cancer . We knew this was coming . She had a lumpectomy and radiation many years ago ( like thirteen years , maybe ? ) and then tamoxifen and arimadex for a total of ten years , and then was thought to be past all that . The cancer came back so the breast had to go , and this time some fairly aggressive chemo , and once again it was supposed to be over . It showed up in her sternum so her maintenance treatment was changed a bit , and her understanding was that it would stay there , but then about a year ago she was having pain in her hip and back , and MRI showed that cancer in those bones . Since then it 's been a fairly steady decline , in and out of the hospital for various reasons . I went home when she got that last bit of news , and again at Christmas , in July , and F and I in September . In the last few months my mom had dementia of some kind - we don 't know exactly what caused it - that prevented her from expressing herself very well or understanding everything she heard , and maybe it mercifully kept her from thinking too much about what was going on with her physically , or being too bored . But as late as September she wanted to see the newspaper - her joke was always that she needed to read the obituaries to see if she was in them . That last month or so she was in a nursing facility because although my dad was taking great care of her , it got just a bit beyond him . The last weekend of her life she was unconscious . So that Monday she just went to sleep . My sister and her husband were spending the night and sometime in the wee hours they woke to find her very peacefully dead . The three of us drove on the 6th , the 13 . 5 hours or so back there , for the funeral on the 7th . R and F flew back home on the 8th and I stayed with my dad until Saturday and drove back by myself . Could write about that a bit . My dad wanted me to have a beer with him . I don 't drink beer , never have , but I had the first Old Milwaukee of my life sitting with him on the deck . I know this is kind of grim and I have some better things to say about my mom but I guess I 'll have to get to it . And then back to other stuff . My dad and my sister and her family are driving down here tomorrow to have Thanksgiving in Florida so that the landscape is changed for the first holiday with Mama gone . That was my sister 's idea and I think it 's a stroke of genius . We 'll go to Kennedy Space Center on Friday and then they 'll travel back home . F and I did quite a bit of walking around and sightseeing that Saturday afternoon . As I look at my pictures , I realize that I saw a lot more than I got pix of . The reality of the internet is that you can always find somebody 's pictures or videos if you just know what to look for , so it 's not the tragedy it could have been . If you click on it you might be able to read the inscription , which is in Latin . F was able to translate it ; I would have gotten fairly close on my own . I guess if you 're going to carve something in stone it might as well be in a formal ( some might say dead ) language . Here 's a monument to Yuri Gagarin , the first cosmonaut . Unsurprisingly , the plaque said that when they set it up Prince Michael of Kent was on hand to dedicate it . It was to stay on the mall ( pronounced " mal " ) for 12 months , don 't know where it will be after that . Here 's the Queen Victoria monument that Ruth was hollering about at the Changing of the Guard parade . You see a lot of actual gold on these things . Gold doesn 't corrode , of course , so it will always be bright and beautiful , but Ruth told us on Friday that there 's a lot of thievery of metals from all of the ornaments and such . We saw a lot of other stuff . I evidently didn 't take a single pic of the statues at Trafalgar Square , was too busy looking , but they can be found online . And I didn 't take a video of the soldiers at one of the palaces , two of them in their dress uniforms and hats so that they looked exactly like dolls , stepping out of their little guardhouses and patrolling a few feet this way and that as they do every two hours ( I think ) while they are guarding . I wish I had but was too busy looking . Can see them in my mind 's eye though . F and I had happened to step right up to the gate and were looking at the palace beyond for a bit when they stepped out and began , and so we had a good view , but we moved away after a few minutes so the next people could step up . We had to go back to the hotel before very late afternoon because F was feeling really dreary , and it was cold and bitingly damp . One fairly horrifying thing had happened that day too , which took a lot out of us : F hopped onto the train in the Underground and the doors closed behind her . We had not worked out what to do if we got separated , which was really foolish : cell phones do not work in the Underground . F expected me to take the next train and find her at the next stop , and that was not an unreasonable expectation ; but from my point of view , I didn 't know where she was , but she knew where I was , and it didn 't make sense to me to go haring off in all directions . So I stayed put , and in twenty minutes or so she came back and found me . Believe me when I tell you that we decided on the spot what we would do if that happened again , and a backup plan , and a backup backup plan . Also , F lost her oyster card somewhere while we were traveling , and you have to swipe your card to get out of the station . ( Not like her , but her cold was taking her down . ) I picked up one of the " information " telephones and asked the nice man who answered what to do , and he said there would be an agent to whom we could explain what happened , and that he would let us out . And that worked . I suppose our foreign accents didn 't hurt ; not likely that we would be gaming the system . So we got back to the hotel and that evening I had to dine alone because F was shot . Wasn 't really hungry so I perused the appetizers on the menu . One of them was called " aromatic duck parcels " . I had that with a side salad and a glass of wine , and that was just about right . I brought her up a bottle of water and some ginger cookies before I had dinner , and by the time I got back upstairs she was asleep . The next day was Saturday . We had nothing scheduled after the tour on Friday and F was starting to feel bad so we took our time getting dressed and going down for the breakfast buffet . Once again fended off the kids ' price for F - this time I thought I really should be answering " how old is your daughter " with " how young do we need her to be " . F is quite the Harry Potter fan . I haven 't read the books but she read each one the minute it came out , even attending at least one midnight party at a bookstore in Memphis in order to score her copy at the first possible instant . So we had to go to King 's Cross Station and find this : And I wanted to go to Charing Cross Station , because that story has caught my fancy since I first read it while in college , and I wanted to see it and see how it is currently marked . Here is Wikipedia 's article about the Eleanor crosses . As the article states , the original Charing Cross was destroyed by the Puritans . During the Victorian era , a replacement cross was erected close by . The pedestal must be made of some kind of limestone . It is sadly eaten away . I suppose this is the ultimate fate of most of these statues - well , ultimately , all of them . And of course we found ourselves at Trafalgar Square and were able to take our time looking at those lions , and the other statues ( some very fanciful merpeople ) and memorials . I 'll put up some pix of those , but I want to mention that there were some schoolchildren there , not British , who came around and asked F and me for our autographs . They were collecting these from tourists . Very cute . Ruth had a bunch of vouchers for adults and for kids and she had to try to match them up . " Here , you 're under seventeen , " she said , handing F a voucher for a kid 's ticket . Nope . The cruise was OK , we can say we did it , but we were inside behind windows and had to stay seated so we couldn 't see much . We did see the Globe Theater . Eventually we got out at the Eye and eventually got on it . By then F and I were both tired , and F getting sick although we didn 't realize it yet . We 'd have enjoyed it more if we were fresher . Still , we got a good view of the city . After the changing of the guard , we went for lunch . Some people had pre - paid lunch but F and I hadn 't , so we found a tiny cafe and had sandwiches . And looked at the outside of the Tower of London . Here it is : One might expect a single tower , but this actually is an entire complex of buildings that went up over a long period of time . The innermost building was built by William the Conqueror , who entered England in 1066 . The crenellations on these buildings really were for defense . But there are walls that go back to the Roman occupation . There 's so much to see here that one should really plan to spend most of a day . The crown jewels are here and they are definitely worth seeing . There 's an armoury with all all kinds of armor and weaponry - hard to remember these aren 't replicates but the actual items . I saw one suit of armor that looked Japanese , walked over to read the placard - it was a gift from the Shogun of Japan to James I . There 's also the house Henry VIII built for Anne Boleyn , and the spot where it is believed she and other people were executed . And the tower where the little princes , Edward IV 's sons , were imprisoned and then murdered in the mid - 15th century , with the window it is believed their bodies were passed out of marked . Little statues of various animals here and there , because it was a sort of zoo for a time . And all sorts of other stuff . Eventually we left to meet up with the rest of the tour group outside . And there was a dreadful foreshadowing of events to come : It was colder than heck , and F wanted some hot chocolate , so she bought some from a vendor . But when she sipped it , she made a face and said there was something wrong with it - they had put something in it . I sipped it and thought it tasted just fine , and handed it back to her , and she tried to drink it because she really did want it . But it tasted awful to her , so I finished it off , enjoying the wonderful rich cocoa taste . It 's very easy to figure out the public transportation in London . I 've never lived anywhere where people used public transportation if they had any options at all . I 'm sure there are cities in the US where it is easy and convenient but F and I had no real experience of it . The Tube map looks like this . It looks confusing but it 's not hard at all to figure out . Each line is color coded and you can see the stops on the map marked as circles . Where you get off one line and onto another the circles are connected on the map . Tourist attractions like the palaces and museums and such generally give directions that include the nearest Tube station and how you walk from there . So you can always " get there from here " . A pleasant female voice calls out the approaching stops and tells you when you get there , and always when the doors open , " Please mind the gap between the train and the platform . " You swipe your Oyster card or use your prepaid ticket on the way in and on the way out , because the fares are different depending on which zones you are traveling in . The buses are easy to figure out too . This time we had a tour guide as well as a bus driver . The driver and guide hadn 't worked together before . The guide knew what she wanted and where she wanted to go but there was a bit of tension ; I couldn 't tell whether she was being less than reasonable and expecting him to read her mind , or he was being sulky and difficult . It didn 't hurt our experience at all , was just a bit funny to watch and listen as she bit back her irritation and spoke to him placatingly . He smiled and was pleasant to us so it was all good . The guide was very knowledgeable and wanted to make sure we had a good time . Eventually we left the van . We went into St . Paul 's Cathedral but there was a memorial service going on , the place was overrun with schoolgirls for it , and we couldn 't get in and see anything . So we went on to see the Changing of the Guard parade at Buckingham Palace . Here is part of it : . . . F and I , and the other tourists , boarded the van to go to Stonehenge . It was a very nice van . We didn 't have both a driver and a tour guide , but the driver took charge of the group and told us what to expect and so forth . Most of the other tourists weren 't speaking English , and F and I noticed that actually , most of the people we saw out in public were speaking other languages , or at least English with other accents . And I want to talk about the setting for a moment . You can read about Stonehenge anywhere . It 's about 5000 years old , was worked on and added to for about 1500 years , and so on and so forth , but when you are there the striking thing is the complete normalcy of the landscape around it : rolling downs and grazing sheep . You can see this in the video here . There is no feature on the landscape that would have told those Neolithic people that this was the spot - nothing we can see , anyway . I 'm sure the area has been scanned for radioactivity and magnetism and things of that nature . They had to carve this volcanic rock in Wales and drag it around , maybe on rafts up the Avon river or whatever , to this spot . If you have any knowledge of the mythology of the British Isles , or if you have read books like Kipling 's Puck of Pook 's Hill ( highly recommended by me if you have kids ) it 's impossible not to think that maybe all those hundreds and hundreds of years ago there was something going on here , something to do with the Old People , that led the humans to build this thing in this spot . And then when the Romans came in , or maybe before that when the Angles and Saxons came in , the Old People dwindled and finally disappeared and there 's no way to tell what was there before . [ Edit - whoops ! The Angles and Saxons were after the Romans . ] We walked around it and looked at it from different angles , fixing it in our minds . You can carry an audio device with earphones that lets you listen to little talks about it . Eventually we found our way to the gift shop ( of course ) and then bought a sandwich to share , and some hot drinks because it was COLD , and sat at a picnic table . ( I want to mention that the sandwich had tomato , cheese of some kind , and avocado , and it was delicious . ) There were some military people there , oldish men wearing olive drab uniforms with lots of stars on the chests and shoulders , and hats and so forth . I could not tell what country they were from . Some Eastern European country I think - couldn 't read the writing but it wasn 't Cyrillic so I don 't know . They were kind of stalking around , not looking at anyone . OK , so we woke up Thursday morning and had breakfast at the hotel . They had a breakfast buffet that included grilled tomatoes ( delicious at breakfast ) and mushrooms cooked with butter , I think ( really delicious ! ) as well as the usual fried and scrambled eggs , bacon ( didn 't look like ours but tasted like it ) , cereal , and so on . No grits . I know , you 're shocked . Dressed warmly and headed out to the bus stop . We had to be at the tour place at Victoria Station right after lunch so we had some time to find it . Right away we got on the bus going the wrong direction . And this is something that kept tripping me up for most of our trip : One intellectually knows that the traffic flow is not in the direction one expects , but somehow it 's hard to realize all of the ways the traffic flow helps us orient ourselves and figure out where we are and where we are going . So we rode that bus for a while and eventually asked someone , and wound up at a train station well away from where we needed to be . Were standing around with furrowed brow trying to match it up to our map and figure out what to do , when a friendly man came up and said " you look lost " . He took our map and showed us where we were , and what we would have to do , so we went inside to buy tickets . I walked up to the woman at the window and said , " I have no idea what we 're doing . " ( This seemed to be a recurring theme . ) She thought that was funny and had a good laugh , and told us how to get where we were going . We couldn 't use our Oyster cards and so had to buy tickets , and she told us to go ahead and buy a day 's worth of travel because that would be more cost - effective . Looking at F , she said . " How old is your daughter ? " " Bless her , " she murmured . And this is also a recurring theme , through F 's life so far . Everyone thinks she 's five to ten years younger than she is . They think that of me too , inexplicably , but it 's nicer when you 're past fifty and people think late thirties . At her age it 's not so nice . Anyway , we rode the train in to Victoria Station and found the tour office ( eventually , after a couple of phone calls ) , and then had a little time to look around . There 's an Underground stop there as well as a bus stop , and the station itself is like a mall inside with places to shop and eat and so on . But you have to pay 30 pence to go into the loo ( the signs say " toilet " which strikes F and me as being a bit rude ) . We did a little souvenir shopping and had lunch , and then got on the bus with our tour group for the ride to Stonehenge . I want to take a little time to talk about that , and my cold is still bothering me and making me feel bad , so I 'll stop here for now . A bunch of people at work have had a cold lately and apparently this one doubles back on you and starts over . I 'm thrilled . I have to fly to Atlanta on Tuesday and can 't wait for my eardrums to just totally rupture . Well , anyway . I will mention that F and I got separated at security in Orlando . She got a bit held up in her line because she was behind a woman who threw a FIT about having to take her shoes off and empty her pockets . Seriously , F said , a total tantrum . The TSA people were patient with her , explaining that they were not making this stuff up , they had to follow the law , they weren 't asking her to do anything anyone else didn 't have to do , but she would not be placated . I told F later that this is why , when she was a little girl , if she got mad at me and said " yes ma ' am " in an ugly way I made her repeat herself until her tone was acceptable . It wasn 't that it did anything for me that she should say " yes ma ' am " in a polite way , it was that she needed to be able to control herself even if she was frustrated and irritated . People who can 't do that risk getting into all kinds of trouble . Anyway , eventually we got onto our transatlantic flight , which was to go overnight . It 's about seven hours in the air . We were issued pillows and blankets , but you can 't really sleep . At first there was a lot of convo between people on my right trying to one - up each other about where they 'd been - Delhi is a hellhole , but Katmandu is really awesome , and so forth - but when we took off one of them threw up . Yes , really . It took the attendants a while to deal with that , and they had to find other seating for at least one person , and I could have done without the people behind me discussing it , but at least the stupid conversation stopped . F gets a certain amount of motion sickness , and she carries dramamine with her for just such occasions . They gave us dinner and drinks and so forth , and we tried to rest mostly . F works the night shift so she was more awake than I was . About an hour before we landed they brought around snacks so we could get hold of ourselves . Then to collect our bags , and since we had nothing to declare , right to the bus and to the hotel . F went to lie down and I bought a bottle of water for her out of a vending machine so I could break a 20 - pound note , and then went to the little Costa Coffee shop there in the hotel to get myself a latte . I was so tired I couldn 't really cogitate at all , so when the young man told me how much my drink was I just showed him my handful of coins and said , " I have no idea . " He laughed and counted out his money , showing me what he was doing . And so F and I rested all afternoon , and went down for dinner ( fish - and - chips for her , ) and slept like logs all night . I have got a dreadful cold . I wanted to wait until I felt better to start writing about our trip , but that may take a while . Just have to wear this thing out , I reckon . F and I decided to spend about a week in London . We picked out a time , and then I went on Expedia and bought our airline tickets , and paid for the 6 nights in a hotel . There are a million London hotels on Expedia so I picked an inexpensive one that had good reviews on TripAdvisor . F paid me back her share . I bought two very inexpensive adapters through Amazon because their sockets won 't take our plugs . All of the things F and I had to plug in would handle 240 volts , so we didn 't have to have the more expensive voltage converters . These worked very well . The hotel had them in the vending machines , for quite a bit more money than we paid . We ordered Oyster cards so that we could use the public transportation system . They 're cards that you load money onto and then use on the bus , or on the underground ; they keep track of where you are and how much to take off , and you can put more money on as needed . Yes , you can get them after you get there , but the fewer things we had to do , the quicker we could get into our experience . We let the bank know that we would be using our debit cards in the UK ; they lock them , otherwise . We also each brought 90 pounds with us , that our bank provided before we left . We didn 't know a soul there , and if for some reason the debit cards didn 't work right away , there we 'd be . But they did , and it was good to have that cash , too . Once again , you can exchange American cash when you get there , if you think you 'll want to fool with it . Added some features for the cell phone accounts so that we wouldn 't be shocked too badly when we got back . F only opted for the international calling package , but I added texting and internet features . I expected to upload pix from my smart phone but that did not work . We did use the internet to check the weather and a few things of that nature , but I ended up buying more than I was able to use . We also paid for a couple of tours , in advance . We were to travel all night Tuesday night , and expected to get to our hotel midday Wednesday . So the tours we bought were a Thursday afternoon excursion to Stonehenge , and then an all - day tour on Friday called " Total London Experience " . I 'll talk more about those when I get to it . We thought that that would give us a kind of overview so we 'd be OK sightseeing on our own afterwards , and that 's pretty much what happened . The weather - well , we expected highs around 60 but it didn 't get above about 44 degrees until our last day there . Also some precipitation - not outright rain , but maybe a very light sprinkle a lot of the time . We had the sense to pack warm clothes , fortunately , and coats and gloves and umbrellas . F and I both have a tendency for our hands to get very , very cold if we get just a bit chilled - mine actually turn red or blue - so we were glad for our gloves . I usually like to carry a fairly small purse , but I bought one big enough to accommodate my umbrella , small things we might purchase , and a folder . I 'd printed out , for each of us , our itineraries , with confirmation numbers for the airline and hotel and all ; our boarding passes when I printed them the day before the flight ; the e - tickets for the tours we 'd bought ; and maps of the Tube system and so forth , and put each set in a folder . So I was able to wag mine around with me in my oversize purse . I haven 't blogged anything lately because F and I were planning an Event and I didn 't want to jinx it . We 're partway into it now , so here we are . Posted by I picked up a book at the drugstore Saturday . Had seen various people on the internet mention it and was curious . The book is Why We Get Fat . It 's pretty interesting . Lots of biochemistry in it . The part that I 've run across before jibes with what I know . It turns a lot of conventional wisdom on its head : explains exactly why diets don 't and can 't work ; why calories in , calories out , is so simplistic as to be stupid ; that people aren 't fat because they eat more and exercise less , they eat more and exercise less because they 're fat ; and a whole lot of other stuff . And if you think about it , a lot of the surprising stuff actually makes sense . I 'll pause and say that if you google this book you 'll see a lot of people disagreeing with it fairly vehemently . And if you read their disagreements after having read the book , you 'll see that they didn 't really read it and pay attention . Here 's the deal with calories in / out , hoping that I 'm summarizing and paraphrasing correctly . The calorie is a unit that describes heat . It doesn 't describe fat and the two are not synonymous . Anyway , it 's true that you put energy into a system and you get the same amount back out . But you have to ask yourself what form the energy comes back out in . A growing child uses a lot of energy just to grow . I remember when F was middle - sized , skinny as a piece of string , and eating like there was no tomorrow . I would prepare a meal for the three of us and fix three identical plates . She 'd be done with hers and looking around when R and I were only half finished , and one of us would just shove our plate over to her and let her finish it . She absolutely needed all of the fuel she could get to reach the towering height of 5 ' 4 " that she now enjoys , not to mention the grueling process of going through puberty and all that . Then think about your immune system . When you have a virus typically you feel very tired and run down . You want to rest a lot . And you should , because energy that otherwise would be available to your muscles has been diverted to run those aPosted by A very quick meal preparation for one person . ( Would be happy to fix this for R but he does not eat salmon unless it is in the form of salmon patties . ) Set toaster oven to preheat to 350 degrees . While it 's preheating , cover the cookie sheet with aluminum foil and place on it a single salmon filet , skin side down . Brush top with olive oil . I brush with a tablespoon - pour the oil in the spoon and rub the spoon over the filet so that the oil sloshes over the side and the spoon smooths it over the fish . Sprinkle with lemon pepper . Place the sheet in the toaster oven and set to 15 min . * * * While the fish is cooking , add between 1 / 3 and 1 / 2 cup seasoned wild and long grain rice mix to a largish glass bowl . Add about 3 times as much water . Stir . Microwave on high , uncovered , about 10 minutes or until water is taken up . The bowl meeds to be big enough not to allow the water to froth over the sides . I use a medium - sized mixing bowl for this . Remove from microwave and add pat of butter or margarine ; stir with fork . * * * While the rice is cooking , prepare broccoli or carrots or squash for steaming by cutting into bite - size pieces and placing in a bowl with a bit of water . After the rice comes out , place the bowl , covered , in the microwave and cook on high for about 5 minutes or so . * * * I am sometimes surprised to find the extent to which folk wisdom is borne out by science . Remember the old wives ' tale that fish is brain food ? Well , salmon , as we all know , is rich in omega - 3 fatty acids . Why are they called omega ? Fatty acids consist of a polar head ( a carboxyl group , COOH ) and a nonpolar hydrocarbon tail . To indicate the position on that tail where double bonds occur , or side groups or anything else , chemists count the first carbon on the head end as 1 and number them from there . Nutritionists start from the end of the tail instead . So an omega - 3 fatty acid is a fatty acid that has a double bond between the carbons 3 and 4 from the tail end . Here 's a Wikipedia article about omega - 3 fatty acids : n - 3 fatty acids are thought by some to haPosted by Okay , another funny thing from last year . We have a very small laundry room that you step through coming into the house from the garage . I wanted to cut a pet door next to the door from the living room so we could put the litter box in the laundry room and the cats would always have access to it . That way the expended litter could be taken straight to the trash thing in the garage without being carried through the house . And there 's a utility sink in there , to which we added hand soap and a towel rack so we could wash our hands after dealing with the litter . Here 's a picture , which I actually took because of Bonnie 's habit of sitting in that doorway when I 'm doing laundry , watching the washing machine spin . R cut that door , and put the frame on without the flap , under Bonnie 's interested observation . When he finished she walked over , sniffed all around it , went through and came out , and said " cool " so to speak . When Molly walked in and saw it - whoa , different story ! A hole had opened in the universe . Maybe it was a wormhole into dimension X . If you stepped through it , you could end up anywhere ; or maybe it would snap shut when you were halfway through , and there you 'd be . So even though Molly would happily walk back and forth through the open door you see in the picture , it took several days to get her used to the idea that she could go through that small opening safely . I had to go into the laundry room and shut the door , and play with her through the pet door , and take Bonnie in with me , so Molly could look at her in there and see her jump out . Eventually Molly screwed her courage to the sticking place , and pulled up her socks , and tried it herself . And nothing bad happened , so we were able to put the litter box in there and it worked out like we thought . Molly now likes to go in there and glare out through the pet door . It 's kind of startling to be randomly looking around and happen to notice her green eyes staring out . Another incident from last year : I was snakebit . But not by a venomous snake . R called me one day to the lanai to see that a 3 - ft snake had gotten in and was frantically throwing itself against the screen , trying to get out . It was a hot day and the snake was fairly distressed . I leaned over the snake to see what kind it was . It calmed down just a bit in my shadow , making me think of the end of " Life and Death of a Western Gladiator , " which I read in high school and evidently scarred me for life stuck with me . " Go back in the house with your bare feet ! " R said . " I 'm not going back in the house with my bare feet ! " I said . There are four kinds of poisonous snakes that live in North America : copperheads , rattlesnakes , and water moccasins , which are all pit vipers , and coral snakes . Coral snakes have color bands , which this snake did not . No rattle , no real pattern to its coloration which was pretty much black . The snake could still have been a moccasin , but I looked at the snake 's head and it did not appear to me to be the head of a viper . So R used the pool net to kind of hold the snake in place while I picked it up . I meant to pick it up right behind the head , and thought I did , but while I was carrying it to the door it wiggled forward and started striking , and biting the crap out of my hand . Seriously , blood appeared . Also , I could see the inside of its mouth , which was white . Another name for water moccasins is " cottonmouths " . I wondered if I had exhibited an error in judgment . Vipers ' bites are not always envenomed , I told myself , especially if they are not hunting . But this snake probably was hunting , hence its entering the lanai . If the snake was a viper , and its bite was venomous , my hand would have started swelling and hurting right away . As I walked to the door , enduring the indignant striking and biting , and opened the door to toss the snake out onto the grass , I was asking myself , " Does my hand hurt ? " And it never did . Understand that all of this took place in a matter of seconds . When I told my friend Kristina aPosted by F and I had a nice phone convo last night , among other things , comparing our synesthesia . She must have gotten it from me but we are backwards from each other . If I am in a darkened room , if I hear a sharp noise I concurrently perceive a flash of light . When that first started happening I thought that I must have flinched and scrunched my eyelids against my eyes ; or that a light bulb had blown somewhere . Eventually I figured out what was happening . The other night I was lying in bed thinking about something and I saw a bright blue rectangle with kind of a grid pattern . What had happened was that the humidifier was sucking air in like it periodically does , with a kind of whap and then a snoring sound . F says that when the car in front of her signals a turn , she " hears " it before she realizes that she is seeing it . So she perceives lights as sound , and I perceive sound as lights . F also strongly associates numbers with colors - numbers that are the " wrong " color make her uncomfortable - and actually with personalities . I remember that one day when she was very small she told me that numbers were people to her ; 4 is a little girl and 7 is her mommy , for instance . And one day we were going somewhere in the car and she was looking out the window and she abruptly said , " There are three words that bother me . Spoon . Police . [ Third word I can 't remember ] " " Those words bother you ? " " Yes . " And she went back to looking out the window . I think these things are on the synesthesia spectrum somehow , but I can 't totally figure out how . I authored an entire MSDS today , all sixteen sections of it . Had previously spent many hours looking up stuff because even though I had MSDSs from the suppliers for all of the raw materials going into the product , I like to go back to primary sources and not risk copying somebody else 's mistakes or unwarranted assumptions . But holy cow , what a task . When I finished I told my boss I felt like I 'd birthed a baby . " Congratulations ! " he said . Have a whole bunch more to go - actually the rest of them will mostly be review , but there 's the aforementioned going back to sources process , so it 's still going to be something . But the rest will be easier . I even drew the HMIS thing and the NFPA diamond in Word , using Shapes , so that I can copy them to future MSDSs and just change the numbers . Mrs . Who is glad to see me back , and I am too . I 've missed my blog but somehow I guess I just got overwhelmed last year . When the headhunter called in December 2010 to tell me that I had that job offer I couldn 't even speak for a minute . It was almost as if I had been holding my breath for too long . I didn 't realize how stressed I had been for so long and I had to stop talking about everything for a while . But last year was a good year for us , R spending most of it unemployed notwithstanding . We didn 't have a lot of wiggle room but we were paying our bills and not going into debt or anything . Was very nice to buy this house . I 've felt for a long time like I was holding onto this town with claws on all four feet , and we finally feel that we really live here ( knock wood ) . One thing we did last year was to pull up the carpet in one of the two carpeted bedrooms . It was old , stained , and smelly , and we were glad to see it go . We put down Home Depot 's surprisingly attractive and ridiculously easy vinyl flooring in there , and painted , but then we had to stop for a bit because $ $ $ . Today we went through all of the drawers and things in the bedroom , identified a lot of stuff to throw away or give away and sorted the rest nicely into plastic boxes , and then moved the bedroom furniture into that empty room . It 's a small room but it looks a lot bigger than I thought it would with that furniture in there . When we were in Memphis , we had a house that was built in 1920 , during the Victorian Revival . I like that style - hardwood floors , high ceilings with crown molding , glass doorknobs - and had some antique furniture to match . Concurrently with this , I developed - and F along with me as she got old enough - an interest in Queen Victoria and her many children and grandchildren as they spread out across Europe and married into the ruling families . We have lots of books about these people ; F just gave me a book about Princess Beatrice , Q . Victoria 's youngest , for Christmas . And I gave her a framed poster print of a very nice portrait Posted by I am amazing , F says . And indeed I am . Because I ordered this set of glow - in - the - dark neon lizards and had it shipped to her . F has two cats , and one of them , Tomato , loves to bring toys to people for them to throw and her to fetch . At some point in the past year or two I gave F 's cats a couple of these lizards . Turtle liked them well enough but Tomato was completely enthralled . F kept finding them in the water dish , in the litter box , all kinds of places , but Tomato especially liked having them hurled far away so she could run and fetch . She loved them so much that they went to pieces . Saturday when I was at F 's place Tomato brought me one little dismembered paw and dropped it for me to throw . " Isn 't that the saddest thing ? " F said . So now Tomato is very happy and I have justified my existence . Beautiful weather this weekend . R and I went downtown to the lake we like to go to , walked around some , and fed the swans , storks , ibises , ducks , geese , and seagulls some stale bread . There were lots of turtles out enjoying the sun too . I had a shirt with sleeves on , and jeans , and got a little overheated . Love the weather here . I went to Kissimmee yesterday to make some soup for F , who is getting over a cold . Will go back this coming weekend because she is looking at buying a house , and wants us to look at some with her . It 's probably a good time to buy a house b / c it doesn 't look like housing prices are going any lower , and the ones she 's looking at are very reasonably priced , so if she should have to sell in a few years for any reason she shouldn 't be stuck . But F plans to stick around at her workplace if she can ; she had a promotion in 2011 , and even though sometimes the things that happen there drive her nuts , she seems suited to them , and they to her . Okay , another high point from last year : R 's new job . R went on so many interviews last year , it was ridiculous . A lot of the jobs he would have been perfect for , but , alas . I don 't know how much of it might have been just the number of people who apply for every job , and he might have been second choice at a lot of them , but when you 're on his end of it it gets pretty depressing . So sometime in October or November he went over to the hospital to sign up as a volunteer . He needed to get out of the house , see other people , accomplish some things ; I appreciated the heck out of my dinner being ready for me when I got home from work , and things of that nature , and told him so repeatedly , but after a while that 's just not enough . They had to do a background check and a credit check , and some time went by that we didn 't hear anything . Then the week before Thanksgiving , I think , they scheduled him for volunteer orientation and his first day . The same week , a staffing agency that had run across his resume on Careerbuilder called and scheduled an interview . " You know what 's going to happen , " I said . And it did . They interviewed him , then sent him over to the employer for an interview , and he was hired on the spot . So that was that . Timing is a funny thing , huh . . . . Due to his hours , I still usually find my dinner ready when I get home . I suppose that in pursuit of catching up my memoir here I should talk about a few highlights of the past year . Here 's one : Molly fell or jumped into the swimming pool . I was in the house and heard a loud splash . My immediate thought : " There is nothing out there that should splash . " I ran out knowing what I would find , and sure enough , there was little Molly in the pool , paddling like a champ , but saucer - eyed and looking totally freaked . I saw her try to throw her paw up on the side but she couldn 't reach . Started hollering for R but then I thought , what am I yelling for , and just jumped in , clothes , shoes , and all . He had run out there by then and went in about the same time I did . I got to her ( in the deep end , of course , and swimming away from me in confusion , ) and lifted her out . She whirled around , uttered one hiss at the pool , and ran into the house and under the bed . R got out and helped me out , we dripped on the laminate flooring all the way to the bedroom , and we toweled off and changed clothes . Then I walked back out onto the wet floor barefooted and - wham ! I get how people break their hips when they fall . Due to having very recently fallen at Home Depot when I rounded the corner and stepped on a spill , and fallen at home when I opened the door from the garage and didn 't see the step up , and raised up under the orange tree in the back yard and bloodied my head , I found myself yelling " No ! No ! " as I lay on the floor and R had to come and help me up once again . Damn cat . OK , I guess after one year and a couple of weeks I ought to re - activate this thing . We 're still here , still in the house we bought , and I am still in the job I started in December 2010 . R was out of work for 11 months but he has a job now too . And F is still in her spot , and thinking about buying a house . Can 't talk about politics right now because it 's too irritating but I hope the country has a great 2012 with the economy improving all the way . I am Laura , southernxyl . Where does " southernxyl " come from ? First of all , I am from Mississippi and I 've lived in the South since I graduated from college . When I was a kid my brother was a ham radio operator . I learned some of the shorthand expressions hams used to save tapping that key . One was " yl " , for " young lady " ( girl ) and one was " xyl " for " ex - young lady " ( woman ) . So I am a southern ex - young lady .
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Last night , just before going to bed , I was on the phone with Jason 's doctor . One of the other doctors had been to see Jason and told him that he was going to be loosing what was left of his left leg . She told me that , that was not the plan and assuaged my concerns , so I went back over to see Jason , even though it was getting late . He was awake and thought I would probably be coming back . I let him know about the conversation with his doctor . I also let him know that she said she had planned to stop by early to see him , as I had asked her to . We all went to bed , a little more relaxed , it was almost midnight . At about 6 : 30am I was awakened by a call from his nurse , who said , " Jason wants you to come over to see him . The doctor is talking about the removal of his leg . " I was up and dressed , and over there in about 15 minutes . Dr . Malone , his doctor , was talking to him and explaining what was going to be happening and that there was no plan to remove his left leg . If there was a concern , she would bring together the doctors and Jason , along with his family support - Bridgette , Linda and I . We talked for about 20 - 25 minutes and again , she calmed down our fears . About this time Linda showed up and joined us . I had made a couple of calls to Bridgette , but for whatever reason the calls failed the first two times and then I finally got through to leave a voice mail message . Jason was then taken off to surgery . Surgery was going to be a bit more difficult this time , as they had to turn him over , and have him lie face - down , as they were working more on his lower back . Jason got out of surgery and we were given a call that we needed to come and meet with the doctors and Jason , and it was a call I had hoped would not be coming . They wanted to remove the left leg completely . I asked them several questions about why , and how he would function in the future as well as several other questions , but the bottom line was that they felt that in order for them to be able to effectively close up his wounds and provide him with a balancPosted by Today was a good day with Jason , and for Jason . He is much more comfortable now , though he is still not allowed to eat , other than through a tube in his nose . His spirits are high , and all his vitals are in line where they should be . He will be going in for surgery tomorrow morning , to remove what is hoped will be the last of the " clean up " surgeries , and all the remaining tissue will be what he has to work with , going forward . The doctor came in today and had a very good chat with all of us , in that they are going to begin the closing up of some of the wounds , and especially the work that is going to be going on in getting what is left of his left leg all healed up . She talked of bio - synthetic materials , skin grafts , and most importantly , where they will be able to bring natural skin to natural skin for the best healing . The more they can do this the better for Jason . Earlier today we had somewhat of a treat , in that the commander of the 38th Marine Battalion 's wife , and a couple of other members of high level support teams for the Marines came looking for Linda and myself . She arranged a telephone call with her husband , the Colonel over all the men and women of the 38th , and he took the time out of his day to speak with us . This is truly amazing , considering all that is going on right now , over in that part of the world . He even said to give Jason a hug for him . Of course when I said that to Jason he just gave me a strange look , like I 'd either hit my head , or got hold of some of the drugs they were using on him . Anyway , it was a nice surprise and an enjoyable conversation . Then , at the end of the day came the best thing of all . Dr . Malone , Jason 's doctor , came in to see him and talk to him about what was going to be happening tomorrow , during the surgery . She asked him if there were any questions and in true Jason form he looked right at her and asked , " When do I get to eat again ? " Since he is no longer experiencing any digestive track problems he wants to chew on something other than ice chips . Linda asked ( wePosted by Today was a good day for Jason . The problems he was having yesterday are all past him now , and they moved him up from the 3rd floor back to the 5th floor , and he was pretty happy about it . His mood is good and he was able to relax a bit more , for the first time , and catch up a bit on his sleep . He still isn 't able to read , though he enjoyed the gamers magazine that his brother Sean gave him . He can scan through the pictures to figure out at least part of what is going on . His vision is a bit blurred still , and I think it is a result of the medication he is being given . He can see well enough , though , to watch Robin Hood ( Russell Crowe ) as he had not seen that movie yet . Other than that , it was pretty much just a day of relaxing and working with the doctors . He has another surgery tomorrow , early in the morning , where they will give him another general anesthetic , clean out some the wounds and make some assessments of what to do next . I don 't want to sound so routine , as these surgeries take anywhere from four to six hours , and each time they take just a little more of the parts that need to be removed . The hope is that each time now will be the last time they have to remove tissue , and then they can do more closing , so keep those prayers coming . I told Jason that he has a bunch of followers now , and a bunch more who read the blog on a regular basis . It made him smile . . . I 'll keep updating this blog , as long as Jason is happy with me doing this . It helps to keep his spirits up and helps me to feel like I 'm doing something . Thank you , for your prayers and support . For those of you who have requested his address , I 'll put it here again : George M . Ross , Jr ( You can also put Sgt Jason Ross here and it will be delivered ) General Delivery8901 Wisconsin AvenueBethesda , MD 20889 - 5600 Yes , Yes , Yes , No , You 're welcome , Thank you all . . . . . Okay , seriously - some of the comments have asked if they can send things . The answer is yes - with the caveat being , that they hospital room is only so big so please don 't send BIG items . Cards , letters , even magazines ( fishing , outdoor , camping , hiking . . . ) . Do not send food as right now he has a very controlled diet , if / when he can receive food I will post that . Also , for those that want to send flowers - feel free to do so , but please keep in mind , he is still a Marine ! Jason is back on the 5th floor , so that should tell you he is doing better , I am currently sitting in the waiting room , to go visit , while they set him up again , so I 'll be putting out a better / more complete post a bit later . Take care and thank you all , for all the prayers and positive thoughts . Today was a good day for Jason , in that he felt much better going into the late night , from last nights problems . and he did well with surgery . Then after surgery , though he was uncomfortable , it wasn 't anywhere near the discomfort he had felt , so overall he said he felt pretty good . He looked a whole lot better too . The only challenge is that he is back on the 3rd floor , as they work to clear the blockage , and that should be done by tomorrow . He will be able to head back up to the 5th floor and once again work towards that next level of healing . I was able to get over to the post office today , while Jason was still in surgery and picked up some mail , and a poster ( haven 't opened it yet , so don 't know what it is ) , I think . We took them , all were for Jason , to Jason 's room and there they sit , waiting for his return . He can 't have things in his 3rd floor room right now , that aren 't a part of his medical treatment . Well , that 's not quite true - I was able to bring him a magazine , one of the gamer magazines that Sean brought for him , and Jason liked it , even though he has trouble turning the pages . It is something Jason is into , video games , and it is a fairly new magazine that he hasn 't seen . Linda and I spent some time with him , and while we were there Bridgette happened to call , to ask if I 'd relay a message to Jason . I did one better , I just gave the phone to Jason and let him talk with her - I think it made both of them very happy , for a little while . Bridgette is still on target to return by Wednesday , and then Jason should be able to finally see his girls . Linda and I stayed with him for a little while longer , and watched the Simpsons with him ( his choice ) . After that he felt kinda tired and said he wanted to sleep . That , in itself , was good news to hear , as he had been having some difficulties sleeping . Perhaps he will get closer to a more regular sleeping pattern now . I would like to thank the people who have sent in cards and pictures and a poster ( I think ) , as I am anxious to read them all to him - okay , LinPosted by Today both Sean and George , Jason 's brothers , had to head back home . We understand that Jason will be receiving his Purple Heart , in a ceremony they do right there in his hospital room , next month . If it is possible , one or all of them will be back to see it . David and Miriam also said they want to be here for the presentation , so I 've asked the Marines to provide me with a date to allow them to plan . It has been a blessing to have all his brothers here , as we really think it helped to bring his spirits up , and to help bring Mom and Dad 's spirits up too . Jason was feeling a little uncomfortable today , due to some minor issues with his stomach . I guess I was a little over reactive ( over protective dad ? ) as I kind of jumped on a couple of the nurses and a doctor , as I didn 't feel they were moving fast enough to help him with his discomfort . His discomfort went on for several hours , and Jason said he didn 't have " pain " - just discomfort . But things are much better now , as we just left Jason 's bed side and he was in pretty good spirits , and a big thing was that he was moving all his fingers on is right hand . It looks like he has regained just about all functionality of his left hand , even though there is still a brace on that hand supporting his index finger . The braces on both hands will probably be there for another couple of weeks . As a result of Jason being uncomfortable he didn 't get to see his daughters , and now with the surgery in the morning it looks like it will be another couple of days . One of the things that happened two days ago , that I had forgotten to mention in that day 's blog , was a letter that we had brought with us , from a dear friend of the family , Denise F . She was the youth pastor that worked with Jason several years ago , and Linda read the entire letter ( 6 pages ! ) to Jason . He still wasn 't able to hold the letter himself , at the time , and the medication he was on made it difficult for him to read on his own . He really enjoyed the letter , and is looking forward to hearing from others , as we have tPosted by Today was a good day for Jason , and the rest of the family . We actually took the first part of the day to go over to Arlington National Cemetery and look around some . Sean had never been to Washington , D . C . so we figured since he is leaving tomorrow he should get a chance to see something of the historical places here . Prior to going we went over and spent some time with the girls so that Bridgette and her mom , Yvone , could go and see Jason . We then took off to Arlington . We got back about 4 : 15PM and then picked up the girls and went to go over to see Jason . We stayed with him until about 8 : 30PM . and then came back to Bridgette 's room to wait until she and her mom returned . While visiting with Jason we got to talk with him in shifts , and he was in a very positive frame of mind . Linda and I were able to feed him his dinner , and again he really went for those vegetables ( today he had green beans ) . Funny thing though , for whatever reason , the hospital staff decided he needed extra jello . They put the jello in plastic cups , and he had three of them , all stacked up on his tray . I asked if he had requested jello and Jason said no . He was able to eat about half of it and about half of the rest of his dinner . We got to talking about some of the treatment he was receiving and some of the personnel , and the environment in general , and if it weren 't for the fact that he was in a hospital bed you might have thought it was a normal conversation around just about any dinner table . The high point of the talk was when he said he would like to see the girls , Stacy and Jackie , and that he wanted Bridgette to bring them around tomorrow . We were all very happy about this as we were anxious for him to get reacquainted with Stacy and Jackie . Jackie is too young to remember her daddy , but Stacy talks about him every day . Sean and George will be headed back to California tomorrow , and we are going to miss them . They will be coming back when they can , and I really feel that Jason has benefited from them being here . Yvone is going to be heaPosted by Today was an interesting day , in that Jason had to go in for another surgery , and they were not able to close up wounds , as they found some more infection from the fungus . They are going to have to do some other treatments , and overall the affects of the different infections ( bacterial and fungal ) are just about under control , but sometimes there will be finds that cause a slight change in the direction the doctors wanted to go . There wasn 't much other tissue to remove so there were some very good out comes from the surgery today , it just wasn 't what they had hoped . Jason felt pretty good after the surgery , and was happy with visitors today , just as long as there were only a couple at a time . Linda and I were able to come in at the right time , in that we got to help him with his dinner meal . Mom was in heaven when she got to spoon food , up to his mouth and he asked for the vegetables most of the time . The doctor told us that she wanted him to eat as much he wanted to , and they would be feeding him also via a tube through the night . He just can not consume enough calories right now for multiple reasons . I got to cut up his food and give him his drink , mostly water . His brothers took a few pictures that we had taken of the family , including Bridgette and Jason 's daughters , and made some made some larger prints for the room . They are large enough for him to see , while he is laying on the bed , since they are all hung on the wall . It seems to have brightened his spirits . Bridgette came in after us to finish feeding him , so we went to get something to eat with our other sons . It has been great having all the boys here this week , for both us and Jason . In my last blog I mentioned some of the organizations that have been helping us with our visit and stay out here at Bethesda , but I didn 't mention both the Livermore and Pleasanton Military Families groups who have been helping watch and support things back at home . A big thank , you to both groups , for all that they have done . And a big thank you , to all of you for your conPosted by Today was another tough day for Jason in that he was having some discomfort and the medical staff was needing to do some procedures with him . Just the procedures alone can be very uncomfortable , and to have all that other pain going can sometimes be almost over whelming . We spent some time with him , and did our best to make him comfortable , but it was one of those days where not much of anything is going to make it less bearable . Other than that I really don 't have a great deal more of an update to provide , so I 'm going to go with another tack today . One of the ways that we , Jason 's family , are being allowed to be with him , is through the efforts of the Marines , and also through donations that come through volunteer groups like Yellow Ribbon , Wounded Warriors , and Semper Fi Fund . They have stepped up to provide us with the ability to get all his brothers out here , at no cost to us , and provide them with housing and food , while they are here . So I guess what I 'm asking here is that if you are in a position to make a donation to one or all of these organizations , please do so as it will surely help others . Please keep the prayers coming in and we have begun receiving some small " gifts " to share with Jason . Thank you , to all who have , and are sending them . Jason will see them just as soon as I can get them to him . Jason went through surgery today , and physically the surgery was a success and they were able to get some closing of the wounds accomplished . They took the feeding tube out and allowed him to begin eating whatever he wants , and he has been drinking for a few days now ( I brought in a case of pink lemonade today - just for him ) . All of this sounds good , and it is , but his mental attitude dropped a bit today , and you can really see it in him . David , his brother , and I were able to visit with him for a short while and then he asked to be left alone . David put together a sign that was stuck on his door that said only medical personnel were to come in to his room . A short while later Bridgette , his wife , came to visit and Jason asked her to leave . He is needing to get his thoughts together and come to grips with how his life is going to be , going forward . Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers , and do your best to provide him strength , as right now is when he is needing it most . Thank you , for all the prayers so far , I do believe it has helped . Hurray ! Jason was moved to the 5th floor today , as a sign that his healing is moving along better than originally anticipated . He was in good spirits today , and when I came into his room this afternoon , with a bottle of Minute Maid Pink Lemonade he said , " Hey , that looks good . Is that pink lemonade ? " I said it was , and that was the end of my pink lemonade , and it was the best bottle I never drank ! Heck , even when David showed up today , I asked him to go and buy another bottle to take to Jason . His new room is a bit more accommodating to things being put in his room , so we 're going to be bringing in stuff to brighten up the place . That plus a few followers of this blog have indicated that they are sending some things for us to put in his room , and I am guessing it will make it a little more tolerable for Jason . A sign that Jason has accepted what has happened to him was seen today , shortly after arriving in the new room . They were getting him set up on the bed and they had to adjust a few settings , and then I asked the nurse , " Can I put his quilt back on the bed ? " and she said , " Sure . " She then took it from me and spread it across the bottom half of the bed and asked Jason if it was alright . Was it too warm for him ? I thought , that 's a strange question . . . Then Jason said , " I don 't have any legs . I don 't feel the quilt . " The nurse seemed a little surprised / stunned and then Jason repeated himself , and with a slight impatient tone . She then adjusted the quilt so that it was just a little higher on the bed and covered a little bit of his upper body . I don 't think he was trying to be mean or rude with her , it was just that this was the first time someone at the hospital really didn 't seem to know how to work with an amputee and it irritated Jason a bit . He is already starting to show signs that he wants to get out of the hospital ( like the incident above ) , and my guess is that as soon as it is okay for him to get outside he is going to take advantage of it . We have been doing a little investigating and there are a numberPosted by Jason was in surgery for several hours and came through in a positive manner . The doctor told me that they basically didn 't see any bacterial infection and that the fungal damage was all but gone . They did have to remove a bone fragment from his pelvis , as that bone had died , but it was expected , so I don 't consider it a set back , and neither did Jason . The doctor stated that as long as Wednesday 's surgery looked as good as ( or better than ) today 's then they will begin closing up some of his wounds , and by Friday we can probably begin to make plans for him to move up to the 5th floor , for the next phase of his recovery . He came out of surgery at about 1 : 00pm , and by 2 : 00pm we were in with him , talking about whatever he wanted to talk about , and then we noticed he was getting a little tired . At 2 : 20pm we left , to let him rest / sleep and thought we would be headed off to go do some other things , when at a little before 3 : 00pm I received a call from the Master Gunny Sargent , and he asked if we could come over to Jason 's room - Scared the hell out of me - to say the least . Then he said that someone wanted to come by and visit with Jason and he thought it would be good for us to be there , so we hurried over to find a full Colonel and a 3 - star General visiting with Jason . Oh , and the Master Gunny was there too . . . They said they just wanted to see how he was doing and I guess they come and visit with the Marines who are recovering often , but it was the first time I had known about it . Actually it was kinda funny , as Jason was taking it almost as a matter - of - fact kind of visit , and Bridgette was nervous . I guess she gets that way around the high ranking officers , and she wasn 't even in uniform . Anyway , Jason felt pretty good after the visit , and I think that was the intended affect anyway . There is no surgery planned for tomorrow , so we should be able to go over and visit with Jason for more than just a few minutes , but then again we need to get some chores done . The Marines have provided me with a " free " rental car , actuaPosted by With Spring comes new life and it seems to be very appropriate with the advent of how Jason is doing . Today marked a number of miles stones for our Marine Hero . Jason can now speak fairly clearly and hold a conversation with people ; Jason can now move both of his arms by crossing his chest and lifting them up ( about 5 inches ) without causing him much discomfort ; he can move his fingers on his left hand and even touch his thumb to his pinky , and he even showed the doctor that he could " flip him off . " That last part was actually a part of the exercise that the doctor wanted him to do . Now the big thing . . . he was able to plant his arms down on the bed and push off at the elbow and lift himself up slightly off the bed . That is huge in the recovery process . I 'd rather he not do it too often , until after they close up the wounds , but it is nice to see that he has the strength to do it . On top of all those achievements , they have allowed him to begin eating " solid " foods , and drinking . The VERY first thing he asked for was a lemonade , so I went out to the store and found some real lemonade and brought it back to him . The nurse said it would be kept in the refrigerator , and that as long as it was okay for him to have it , they would bring it to him . His attitude is pretty positive , though I can see a great deal of discomfort on his face , and sometimes I worry that he is trying too hard to get out of the I . C . U . I want him out as quickly as possible , but I don 't want him to cause a set back by showing how strong he is . Perhaps that 's a parental thing , and I 'm being too concerned , but none - the - less , it was good to see him up to the challenge . Thank you , for all the continued thoughts and prayers , and it is good to see that we are getting hits on the blog from people from all over the country . Jason had a rough night last night , experiencing bad dreams and waking up in a sweat a few times . As a result he was very tired this morning and basically asked if he could be pretty much left alone , so that he could get some rest . The doctors and medical staff have ways of helping with these kinds of issues , as there have been several other guys , before Jason , to have to go through the same type thing . Mom was able to visit him early this morning for a short while , with our friend Chris Greenlaw , and then Bridgette came a little later ( she was delayed because of getting the girls ready , and I stayed behind to help ) . Bridgette spent about 10 minutes with Jason and let him sleep , and we all came back to the hotel and took a nap . Later in the afternoon I went over to see how Jason was , since I hadn 't seen him all day , and he was still pretty tired . He asked me if I had a lemonade , to which I said no , and then asked the nurse about when he was going to be able to start drinking water , but I guess that isn 't going to happen before Monday . He is scheduled for another surgery on Monday , for the continued effort of cleaning out the bad stuff . We are just hoping that it continues in a positive direction . I was only with him for about 10 minutes and then told the nurse that he was not to have any visitors , other than immediate family or from the medical staff . The nurse on duty said they would see to it . I 'll be updating more tomorrow , and think we will be able spend some time with him so look for a more complete update tomorrow . Actually today gave us some time to take care of some other things that have simply been sitting , so perhaps it was a good thing . Thank you , to all for your continued prayers and offers of support , it is very much appreciated . Good morning all , we are just getting ready to go visit with Jason , and will be putting more of an update a bit later today . Right now though , I want to provide an address where you can send cards , pictures , " things " to be shared with Jason . DO NOT SEND FOOD OR FLOWERS ! ! If we can brighten up his room in anyway it will help in his recovery . Send them to : George RossGeneral Delivery8901 Wisconsin Ave . Bethesda , MD 20889 - 5600Either Linda or I will be going to pick things up there , on a regular basis , and bringing them back to Jason . Thanks , and God Speed to you all . Jason had a good day today , with a successful 6 - hour operation and initial close up of some of his wounds . The way the body works on wounds is that when the body feels that the wounds is ready to begin healing it will cause the wound to contract , and pull together . In Jason 's case the wounds are so open that they can 't close on their own , and need some help from the doctors . The doctors are allowing some of the areas to do some closing , as it will help in the long run , towards general overall healing , and then when they need to go back in - probably in a few days - they will be able to open them up easily enough , without causing additional damage . At least this is how I understand it , from what they tell me . The bacterial infection is pretty much at a minimum , the fungal infection is almost gone , and there was little tissue being removed today . All this was positive , and we 're pretty happy about it . Funny , what makes one happy now . After his surgery he was brought back up to his room and all he had was a cannula , to help with the oxygen , and then about a dozen other hoses hooked up in various places . This is so much better than when he first came in . Now , when he is somewhat recovered from the drugs , he can carry on a conversation , and you can actually understand what he is saying . Today , after the surgery , he asked the doctor when he was going to be able to eat . She asked him what he would like and he said a chocolate sundae , and spaghetti dinner . It was good to see him thinking about food now . Shortly after this he went to sleep , and we were told he would probably be out for the rest of the day . Bridgette spent the most time with him today , but in all honesty , there was a great deal said , but not necessarily with words . A real positive outcome from today 's surgery was that he doesn 't have to get his next visit to the O . R . until Monday . There was a dinner for the Wounded Warriors and their families , and it was the first time we got to see several of the service men , getting out . They were all much further along thPosted by To day was a good day for Jason , as they removed the breathing tube from his mouth and throat , and his medications and pain meds were lowered . All this lead to him being able to begin talking to us , and have visitors , other than from family . On top of that , Bridgette came with the girls today ( she went a short time ago to go pick them up ) , so he 'll be able to see and speak with them as well . Of course tomorrow is Friday , and he is scheduled for another surgery ( I 'll talk more about that later ) so we will need to go visit with him early in the morning , and then later tomorrow we will be able to visit with him again . He was visited by a bunch of different doctors with all of them asking him the same basic questions of , " How are you feeling ? Where do you have pain ? Can you tell me where you are ? " etc . , etc . Then came the psychiatrist , who wanted to be sure of his mental abilities and neurological issues . He began with those same questions then asked , " Do you know what day it is ? " Jason replied St . Patrick 's Day - which it is , and this kind of surprised the doctor . He then asked if Jason knew what the date was , and Jason said , " Yes , it is the 17th . " , and the doctor asked if he knew the month and Jason told him it was March . Then came the big question . . . " Do you know what year it is ? " and Jason paused for a moment and said , " 1729 " . The doctor was taken aback a bit by this and then Jason kinda smirked that little smirk he does and then the doctor realized he was joking . The doctor said , " Okay , now you 're making me feel anxious - what year is it ? " Jason said , " 2011 . " and smiled . The doctor was pleased with his response and said he was doing just fine . They talked a bit more and discussed the challenges of phantom pain , where Jason commented that he had a pain in his foot , and obviously there is no foot . Jason seems to have accepted that he has lost his legs , and he seems to have done so better than the rest of us . The surgery he is going to be going through tomorrow is much like the ones he has had in the past , only this Posted by This entry is to provide a few more details to let those who want to know , what happened , and how did Jason receive these injuries in the first place . This information comes from the wife of the man who actually saved Jason 's life , GSgt Rickabauh . We had the good fortune to meet her a few days back and she offered to provide the information . They were out on patrol , and cleared a village in the northern part of the Hilmand district . They had finished clearing the village and left , only to learn the next day that the Taleban had come back in and set more I . E . D . 's so the patrol began clearing again . Jason was in full gear and leading the group , when they approached a masque . I was the last area needing to be be cleared again when he stepped on a hidden pressure plate . They don 't use nice , well defined materials for their pressure plates , so not only was it hidden , it was not detectable with the metal detector . The explosion hit all the guys , with Jason obviously taking the brunt of the blast . GSgt Rickabauh was right behind Jason and put a tourniquet on him and then he was taken to the closest medical center . From the center they stabilized him enough to get him to the next level medical center , still in Afghanistan where he was again stabilized and then flown to Germany , where they began treating him further . Fortunately , they were able to get Bridgette , his wife , out to be with him and they road the med - evac flight back to here , Bethesda , where Mom and Dad were waiting , and the treatment continues now . More udates later today , but right now I 'm headed over to be with him . . . Jason had a very long surgery today , and it went well . The doctors were pleased with what they found and only had to remove a minimal amount of tissue . The wounds are all still open , and will remain that way until they find that the fungus and bacteria has all been taken care of . We were over to visit with Jason prior to the surgery and at that time he was actually pretty well awake , and only had a minimal amount of affect from the drugs . As a result he was able to communicate with us for almost a full 30 minutes and he was able to focus on us with clear eyes . Once they took him into surgery we had other things to attend to . Laundry had to be done , and then we had our " official " orientation . As it was , I was the only one in the laundry area and was able to use multiple machines all at the same time and was finished in just over an hour and a half . Then we had to head back over to the hospital for our orientation , that lasted another two hours . So now we 're getting hungry . . . We grabbed a quick sandwich and went back up to see if Jason had come back . Jason was there , but now he was back under the affects of medications and drugs , and wasn 't able to communicate again . We were only there for a short while when they said they wanted to do an MRI on his neck and shoulders . He has been wearing a neck brace since he first left Afghanistan and they aren 't comfortable removing it until they know there is no damage . THEN , they found out that he still had shrapnel in both arms and said we can 't do an MRI if they have shrapnel . Now they want to go with a Cat Scan , but by now it is getting later and David is going to the air port , and I need to go take care of some other things so at this point we don 't know the results , and probably won 't know until tomorrow morning . We 'll be headed back over early tomorrow morning and then start again . We go through each activity and some times progress is good , and other times progress is not quite as good . We feel Jason is showing just how strong he is , because he hasn 't had any set backs . TPosted by It has been a very long day and another trip up and down on the roller coaster , with a final little up , here at the end . Linda and I visited with another family , whose Marine has injuries similar to Jason 's . The family was both honest and realistic about how the treatment and progress would be , and it felt very positive . David was up with Jason already , and had been for over an hour when we came in . We really don 't know what we would have done if David and Miriam hadn 't come . Jason was a bit more alert , and this was both good and bad , though I guess the reason it was " bad " was an inevitability . The good was because we were able to communicate better with him , and the bad was that it seemed like Jason was beginning to recognize that he was seriously injured and that he wasn 't physically the same . You could see in his eyes and facial expressions that he was distressed , and not just from the pain . He answered some of my questions with blinks of the eyes , and we could tell that his vision was much better today as he could focus on who was talking to him . When I asked him about having visitors he indicated that he did not want to see any . I think it is directly linked to the fact that he understands some of his injuries . This is going to be difficult for him ( and us ) so we need to be prepared to work even harder to keep his spirits up . Tomorrow he goes back in for another surgery , and from what we have been told it sounds like it is going to be a very long set of procedures . We were spoken to by five sets / teams of surgeons , all of them wanting to be sure that we fully understood what they were going to be doing . By the time we were done talking to them all I felt like I had a pretty good idea of exactly what was going to be happening . They all seemed to take painstakingly detailed explanations so that the families do understand and they are so very patient to answer questions - completely . Jason will be going in by 7 : 30AM , so they 'll come and get him by 6 : 45AM . The surgery will be for about 6 hours , and possibly more . Posted by Just wanted to provide a last update for Jason , as we just got back from the hospital and had our visit with him . He opened his eyes but didn 't see us , or respond to our questions . He 's had a pretty rough day , though it was a good day . We are hopeful for the removal of the breathing tube tomorrow , but that remains to be seen . The support staff that is working with him all seem to be professional and courteous , as we have gotten to know some of them . We 've also been able to meet some of the other families and their Wounded Warriors , as they are called . Some of them actually know Jason , so once he comes around a bit he will be able to have guys he knows to talk to . More up dates coming tomorrow . Thank you all , for your support . Well today was another roller coaster of a day , and so far has seemed to have ended on a high . We have met so many doctors and nurses that it kind of makes my head swim , but they all seem to have a great deal of focus on Jason and his recovery , and the head doctor , Dr . Malone , has been great about keeping us up dated . Jason had to go in for more " clean up " surgery and it took several hours to accomplish . Before he went in they provided us with some of the details of what they wanted to do , and basically what they expected to find ( the down ) . We had to wait about six and a half hours , when they were completed to find out that what they found was much better than they had thought they would find and they only had to remove a smaller amount of tissue . Though we don 't want ANY more removed the fact that only a smaller area was showing signs of infection showed that Jason 's body was fighting back and doing a good job of it ( the high ) . Jason still can not speak , and is still in a drug induced comma , but we are hopeful that he will be able to show that he can breath on his own through the night and into tomorrow . Then they will begin taking the breather off of him . We are vary anxious to be able to speak with him , but even after it is removed it may take a day or two for him to be able to communicate . I will continue to provide posts and updates as they come . Right now we 're headed back over to be with him . Thank you all for your continued support . I just returned from seeing Jason and his eyes are beginning to open , and he is starting to recognize different people . He is also starting to respond to questions by blinking his eyes , sense he still can not speak . They are happy with his progress and are feeling cautiously optimistic ( there 's that phrase again ) for Jason and his recovery . My heart dropped , when I actually got to see some of his wounds but I did my best to not show reaction . Since it was just me , Jason and the medical staff I think I did pretty well . I still deal with the pain of seeing him like this , and Mom is doing her best to cope , and the Marines are providing us with support and counseling . About the best thing that has happened so far has been that today , while I was talking to him , I asked him to squeeze my hand and he did . That showed a solid sign that he had control of his hands and there was probably no neurological damage in his arm and hand ( this was his left hand ) . The right arm is still immobilized , so we won 't know about that one for a little while , and even so we are confident he will have full use of both his arms and hands . More updates coming in the morning . . . Its early Sunday morning and we will be headed over to see Jason shortly . Yesterday we had a discussion with the Doctor and she told us that they hoped that they did not have to go back in for additional surgeries with Jason today . We also found out that we MIGHT be able to see him with his eyes open for the first time , tomorrow . It would be so wonderful to be able to talk with him , rather than just to him . They tell us that he can kind of hear us , and that he knows we are there , but that when he wakes he won 't have much , if any , memory of us being there . They give him a drug that helps him to forget much of what is going on , and most importantly , the pain . His hands look remarkably well , considering they only had the protective gloves on . One arm has a possible break / fracture , though there is no cast on either arm , I guess we find that out today . They took him down for additional X - rays of his pelvis , as that is broken and they need to stabilize more with a metal frame . He will continue to be going through surgeries for some time to come . One of the other patients here is a Gunny Sgt , and also EOD , like Jason , who experienced a similar set of injuries . We hope to get to meet him this week , as he is farther along in his healing and it could really help us understand better what is going to be happening to Jason . Also , it would be good to have someone here that Jason can relate to , more than just family . Jason was in surgery early this morning to take care of his wounds again , and it won 't be the last time . His surgery went for about four hours . The challenge he is facing ( and the doctors ) is that the soil in Afghanistan has bad stuff in it and when the blast went off , it forced some of that stuff up into his skin and muscle tissue . This can cause infection and other problems so they have to do extra treatments to combat the infections that are caused . Also one of the things they can do is to remove some of the tissue , and quite frankly Jason does not have a lot of tissue he can afford to loose . They are doing all they can to get all the infection out , but sometimes they can 't find it all until it shows up . We have been cautioned to be prepared to take 3 steps forward and then 1 step back until such time as he is ready to move on to a rehab center . The doctor said to be cautiously optimistic so that is how I am telling you all to be . We did get to go in and be with him again today , and we will again a bit later today . This is the way it is going to be for the next few days , but we don 't know if that means two more days or four more days , but it won 't be too much longer until they bring him out of his drug induced sleep . Please continue to pray for Jason and keep him in your thoughts . Our family really does appreciate the continued messages on the blog so please continue . Just left the hospital and spent some time with Jason . He is still very heavily sedated so he did not respond to our talking to him . David and Miriam arrived just prior to us going in to see him , so he got a bunch of visitors all at once and it was a good thing . We are making arrangements for Sean and George to come out , though it looks like they won 't be able to get here for another several days . By that time Jason will be already getting some rehab . On his condition , it was difficult for us to see him , in all the hoses and wires , but we are so happy to know that he is doing positive and getting better . We will be getting with the doctors tomorrow to find out more details but for right now they are taking him in to surgery to clean his wounds and make sure everything is working . Stay tuned for more updates tomorrow , and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts . Jason should be arriving in the next 2 - 3 hours , so Linda and I are anxious and nervous , scared and excited , happy and sad all at the same time . David and Miriam should be here soon ( and that will help ) and the Marines will be picking them up at the airport , I hope in time to be here before Jason arrives . The out pouring of support has been wonderful and very much appreciated . First , we would like to thank everyone for all the prayers and support for Jason , as he begins his recovery from the injuries sustained . He is a strong and positive young man and that , combined with strong support from his family and all those who love him , we truly believe he will be able to find his way , from the injuries . Most of you want to know what happened . Jason was on patrol in Afghanistan , doing his job , when an I . E . D . ( improvised explosive device ) went off . I 'm not going to provide any more details than that , until I am comfortable providing it . He sustained injuries to both his legs , where his left leg was amputated from below the knee and his right leg from above the knee . He also sustained internal injuries and I guess maybe , that was the scariest part for his mother and I . He was taken to an in - country medical center where they stabilized him enough that they could medevac him to Germany so he could receive additional treatment . Once he was in Germany they took him in for further surgery and it was a little scary again , as Bridgette , his wife , Linda and I were asked to fly to be with him . Linda and I didn 't have our passports , so initially they flew us to Washington , D . C . where the State Department provided us with 1 - year passports , and Bridgette was able to go directly to be with him , as she is also a Marine . While we were processing we received news that Jason had improved enough and that he was to be flown to Bethesda , MD , and we would not need to go to Germany . Bridgette was already on her way and would be traveling home with him on the next medevac flight . This was a major relief for us , as it is a strong indication that he stabilized enough and was strong enough to make the flight . It is now about 4 : 00AM ( EST ) and we expect to be with him in less than 12 hours . His brother David and David 's wife Miriam , are on their way out to be with him and us as well . His other brothers ( Sean and George ) are all working to make their way out here as well , with the help of the Marines ( much appreciated ) , thougPosted by
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Last night , just before going to bed , I was on the phone with Jason 's doctor . One of the other doctors had been to see Jason and told him that he was going to be loosing what was left of his left leg . She told me that , that was not the plan and assuaged my concerns , so I went back over to see Jason , even though it was getting late . He was awake and thought I would probably be coming back . I let him know about the conversation with his doctor . I also let him know that she said she had planned to stop by early to see him , as I had asked her to . We all went to bed , a little more relaxed , it was almost midnight . At about 6 : 30am I was awakened by a call from his nurse , who said , " Jason wants you to come over to see him . The doctor is talking about the removal of his leg . " I was up and dressed , and over there in about 15 minutes . Dr . Malone , his doctor , was talking to him and explaining what was going to be happening and that there was no plan to remove his left leg . If there was a concern , she would bring together the doctors and Jason , along with his family support - Bridgette , Linda and I . We talked for about 20 - 25 minutes and again , she calmed down our fears . About this time Linda showed up and joined us . I had made a couple of calls to Bridgette , but for whatever reason the calls failed the first two times and then I finally got through to leave a voice mail message . Jason was then taken off to surgery . Surgery was going to be a bit more difficult this time , as they had to turn him over , and have him lie face - down , as they were working more on his lower back . Jason got out of surgery and we were given a call that we needed to come and meet with the doctors and Jason , and it was a call I had hoped would not be coming . They wanted to remove the left leg completely . I asked them several questions about why , and how he would function in the future as well as several other questions , but the bottom line was that they felt that in order for them to be able to effectively close up his wounds and provide him with a balancPosted by Today was a good day with Jason , and for Jason . He is much more comfortable now , though he is still not allowed to eat , other than through a tube in his nose . His spirits are high , and all his vitals are in line where they should be . He will be going in for surgery tomorrow morning , to remove what is hoped will be the last of the " clean up " surgeries , and all the remaining tissue will be what he has to work with , going forward . The doctor came in today and had a very good chat with all of us , in that they are going to begin the closing up of some of the wounds , and especially the work that is going to be going on in getting what is left of his left leg all healed up . She talked of bio - synthetic materials , skin grafts , and most importantly , where they will be able to bring natural skin to natural skin for the best healing . The more they can do this the better for Jason . Earlier today we had somewhat of a treat , in that the commander of the 38th Marine Battalion 's wife , and a couple of other members of high level support teams for the Marines came looking for Linda and myself . She arranged a telephone call with her husband , the Colonel over all the men and women of the 38th , and he took the time out of his day to speak with us . This is truly amazing , considering all that is going on right now , over in that part of the world . He even said to give Jason a hug for him . Of course when I said that to Jason he just gave me a strange look , like I 'd either hit my head , or got hold of some of the drugs they were using on him . Anyway , it was a nice surprise and an enjoyable conversation . Then , at the end of the day came the best thing of all . Dr . Malone , Jason 's doctor , came in to see him and talk to him about what was going to be happening tomorrow , during the surgery . She asked him if there were any questions and in true Jason form he looked right at her and asked , " When do I get to eat again ? " Since he is no longer experiencing any digestive track problems he wants to chew on something other than ice chips . Linda asked ( wePosted by Today was a good day for Jason . The problems he was having yesterday are all past him now , and they moved him up from the 3rd floor back to the 5th floor , and he was pretty happy about it . His mood is good and he was able to relax a bit more , for the first time , and catch up a bit on his sleep . He still isn 't able to read , though he enjoyed the gamers magazine that his brother Sean gave him . He can scan through the pictures to figure out at least part of what is going on . His vision is a bit blurred still , and I think it is a result of the medication he is being given . He can see well enough , though , to watch Robin Hood ( Russell Crowe ) as he had not seen that movie yet . Other than that , it was pretty much just a day of relaxing and working with the doctors . He has another surgery tomorrow , early in the morning , where they will give him another general anesthetic , clean out some the wounds and make some assessments of what to do next . I don 't want to sound so routine , as these surgeries take anywhere from four to six hours , and each time they take just a little more of the parts that need to be removed . The hope is that each time now will be the last time they have to remove tissue , and then they can do more closing , so keep those prayers coming . I told Jason that he has a bunch of followers now , and a bunch more who read the blog on a regular basis . It made him smile . . . I 'll keep updating this blog , as long as Jason is happy with me doing this . It helps to keep his spirits up and helps me to feel like I 'm doing something . Thank you , for your prayers and support . For those of you who have requested his address , I 'll put it here again : George M . Ross , Jr ( You can also put Sgt Jason Ross here and it will be delivered ) General Delivery8901 Wisconsin AvenueBethesda , MD 20889 - 5600 Yes , Yes , Yes , No , You 're welcome , Thank you all . . . . . Okay , seriously - some of the comments have asked if they can send things . The answer is yes - with the caveat being , that they hospital room is only so big so please don 't send BIG items . Cards , letters , even magazines ( fishing , outdoor , camping , hiking . . . ) . Do not send food as right now he has a very controlled diet , if / when he can receive food I will post that . Also , for those that want to send flowers - feel free to do so , but please keep in mind , he is still a Marine ! Jason is back on the 5th floor , so that should tell you he is doing better , I am currently sitting in the waiting room , to go visit , while they set him up again , so I 'll be putting out a better / more complete post a bit later . Take care and thank you all , for all the prayers and positive thoughts . Today was a good day for Jason , in that he felt much better going into the late night , from last nights problems . and he did well with surgery . Then after surgery , though he was uncomfortable , it wasn 't anywhere near the discomfort he had felt , so overall he said he felt pretty good . He looked a whole lot better too . The only challenge is that he is back on the 3rd floor , as they work to clear the blockage , and that should be done by tomorrow . He will be able to head back up to the 5th floor and once again work towards that next level of healing . I was able to get over to the post office today , while Jason was still in surgery and picked up some mail , and a poster ( haven 't opened it yet , so don 't know what it is ) , I think . We took them , all were for Jason , to Jason 's room and there they sit , waiting for his return . He can 't have things in his 3rd floor room right now , that aren 't a part of his medical treatment . Well , that 's not quite true - I was able to bring him a magazine , one of the gamer magazines that Sean brought for him , and Jason liked it , even though he has trouble turning the pages . It is something Jason is into , video games , and it is a fairly new magazine that he hasn 't seen . Linda and I spent some time with him , and while we were there Bridgette happened to call , to ask if I 'd relay a message to Jason . I did one better , I just gave the phone to Jason and let him talk with her - I think it made both of them very happy , for a little while . Bridgette is still on target to return by Wednesday , and then Jason should be able to finally see his girls . Linda and I stayed with him for a little while longer , and watched the Simpsons with him ( his choice ) . After that he felt kinda tired and said he wanted to sleep . That , in itself , was good news to hear , as he had been having some difficulties sleeping . Perhaps he will get closer to a more regular sleeping pattern now . I would like to thank the people who have sent in cards and pictures and a poster ( I think ) , as I am anxious to read them all to him - okay , LinPosted by Today both Sean and George , Jason 's brothers , had to head back home . We understand that Jason will be receiving his Purple Heart , in a ceremony they do right there in his hospital room , next month . If it is possible , one or all of them will be back to see it . David and Miriam also said they want to be here for the presentation , so I 've asked the Marines to provide me with a date to allow them to plan . It has been a blessing to have all his brothers here , as we really think it helped to bring his spirits up , and to help bring Mom and Dad 's spirits up too . Jason was feeling a little uncomfortable today , due to some minor issues with his stomach . I guess I was a little over reactive ( over protective dad ? ) as I kind of jumped on a couple of the nurses and a doctor , as I didn 't feel they were moving fast enough to help him with his discomfort . His discomfort went on for several hours , and Jason said he didn 't have " pain " - just discomfort . But things are much better now , as we just left Jason 's bed side and he was in pretty good spirits , and a big thing was that he was moving all his fingers on is right hand . It looks like he has regained just about all functionality of his left hand , even though there is still a brace on that hand supporting his index finger . The braces on both hands will probably be there for another couple of weeks . As a result of Jason being uncomfortable he didn 't get to see his daughters , and now with the surgery in the morning it looks like it will be another couple of days . One of the things that happened two days ago , that I had forgotten to mention in that day 's blog , was a letter that we had brought with us , from a dear friend of the family , Denise F . She was the youth pastor that worked with Jason several years ago , and Linda read the entire letter ( 6 pages ! ) to Jason . He still wasn 't able to hold the letter himself , at the time , and the medication he was on made it difficult for him to read on his own . He really enjoyed the letter , and is looking forward to hearing from others , as we have tPosted by Today was a good day for Jason , and the rest of the family . We actually took the first part of the day to go over to Arlington National Cemetery and look around some . Sean had never been to Washington , D . C . so we figured since he is leaving tomorrow he should get a chance to see something of the historical places here . Prior to going we went over and spent some time with the girls so that Bridgette and her mom , Yvone , could go and see Jason . We then took off to Arlington . We got back about 4 : 15PM and then picked up the girls and went to go over to see Jason . We stayed with him until about 8 : 30PM . and then came back to Bridgette 's room to wait until she and her mom returned . While visiting with Jason we got to talk with him in shifts , and he was in a very positive frame of mind . Linda and I were able to feed him his dinner , and again he really went for those vegetables ( today he had green beans ) . Funny thing though , for whatever reason , the hospital staff decided he needed extra jello . They put the jello in plastic cups , and he had three of them , all stacked up on his tray . I asked if he had requested jello and Jason said no . He was able to eat about half of it and about half of the rest of his dinner . We got to talking about some of the treatment he was receiving and some of the personnel , and the environment in general , and if it weren 't for the fact that he was in a hospital bed you might have thought it was a normal conversation around just about any dinner table . The high point of the talk was when he said he would like to see the girls , Stacy and Jackie , and that he wanted Bridgette to bring them around tomorrow . We were all very happy about this as we were anxious for him to get reacquainted with Stacy and Jackie . Jackie is too young to remember her daddy , but Stacy talks about him every day . Sean and George will be headed back to California tomorrow , and we are going to miss them . They will be coming back when they can , and I really feel that Jason has benefited from them being here . Yvone is going to be heaPosted by Today was an interesting day , in that Jason had to go in for another surgery , and they were not able to close up wounds , as they found some more infection from the fungus . They are going to have to do some other treatments , and overall the affects of the different infections ( bacterial and fungal ) are just about under control , but sometimes there will be finds that cause a slight change in the direction the doctors wanted to go . There wasn 't much other tissue to remove so there were some very good out comes from the surgery today , it just wasn 't what they had hoped . Jason felt pretty good after the surgery , and was happy with visitors today , just as long as there were only a couple at a time . Linda and I were able to come in at the right time , in that we got to help him with his dinner meal . Mom was in heaven when she got to spoon food , up to his mouth and he asked for the vegetables most of the time . The doctor told us that she wanted him to eat as much he wanted to , and they would be feeding him also via a tube through the night . He just can not consume enough calories right now for multiple reasons . I got to cut up his food and give him his drink , mostly water . His brothers took a few pictures that we had taken of the family , including Bridgette and Jason 's daughters , and made some made some larger prints for the room . They are large enough for him to see , while he is laying on the bed , since they are all hung on the wall . It seems to have brightened his spirits . Bridgette came in after us to finish feeding him , so we went to get something to eat with our other sons . It has been great having all the boys here this week , for both us and Jason . In my last blog I mentioned some of the organizations that have been helping us with our visit and stay out here at Bethesda , but I didn 't mention both the Livermore and Pleasanton Military Families groups who have been helping watch and support things back at home . A big thank , you to both groups , for all that they have done . And a big thank you , to all of you for your conPosted by Today was another tough day for Jason in that he was having some discomfort and the medical staff was needing to do some procedures with him . Just the procedures alone can be very uncomfortable , and to have all that other pain going can sometimes be almost over whelming . We spent some time with him , and did our best to make him comfortable , but it was one of those days where not much of anything is going to make it less bearable . Other than that I really don 't have a great deal more of an update to provide , so I 'm going to go with another tack today . One of the ways that we , Jason 's family , are being allowed to be with him , is through the efforts of the Marines , and also through donations that come through volunteer groups like Yellow Ribbon , Wounded Warriors , and Semper Fi Fund . They have stepped up to provide us with the ability to get all his brothers out here , at no cost to us , and provide them with housing and food , while they are here . So I guess what I 'm asking here is that if you are in a position to make a donation to one or all of these organizations , please do so as it will surely help others . Please keep the prayers coming in and we have begun receiving some small " gifts " to share with Jason . Thank you , to all who have , and are sending them . Jason will see them just as soon as I can get them to him . Jason went through surgery today , and physically the surgery was a success and they were able to get some closing of the wounds accomplished . They took the feeding tube out and allowed him to begin eating whatever he wants , and he has been drinking for a few days now ( I brought in a case of pink lemonade today - just for him ) . All of this sounds good , and it is , but his mental attitude dropped a bit today , and you can really see it in him . David , his brother , and I were able to visit with him for a short while and then he asked to be left alone . David put together a sign that was stuck on his door that said only medical personnel were to come in to his room . A short while later Bridgette , his wife , came to visit and Jason asked her to leave . He is needing to get his thoughts together and come to grips with how his life is going to be , going forward . Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers , and do your best to provide him strength , as right now is when he is needing it most . Thank you , for all the prayers so far , I do believe it has helped . Hurray ! Jason was moved to the 5th floor today , as a sign that his healing is moving along better than originally anticipated . He was in good spirits today , and when I came into his room this afternoon , with a bottle of Minute Maid Pink Lemonade he said , " Hey , that looks good . Is that pink lemonade ? " I said it was , and that was the end of my pink lemonade , and it was the best bottle I never drank ! Heck , even when David showed up today , I asked him to go and buy another bottle to take to Jason . His new room is a bit more accommodating to things being put in his room , so we 're going to be bringing in stuff to brighten up the place . That plus a few followers of this blog have indicated that they are sending some things for us to put in his room , and I am guessing it will make it a little more tolerable for Jason . A sign that Jason has accepted what has happened to him was seen today , shortly after arriving in the new room . They were getting him set up on the bed and they had to adjust a few settings , and then I asked the nurse , " Can I put his quilt back on the bed ? " and she said , " Sure . " She then took it from me and spread it across the bottom half of the bed and asked Jason if it was alright . Was it too warm for him ? I thought , that 's a strange question . . . Then Jason said , " I don 't have any legs . I don 't feel the quilt . " The nurse seemed a little surprised / stunned and then Jason repeated himself , and with a slight impatient tone . She then adjusted the quilt so that it was just a little higher on the bed and covered a little bit of his upper body . I don 't think he was trying to be mean or rude with her , it was just that this was the first time someone at the hospital really didn 't seem to know how to work with an amputee and it irritated Jason a bit . He is already starting to show signs that he wants to get out of the hospital ( like the incident above ) , and my guess is that as soon as it is okay for him to get outside he is going to take advantage of it . We have been doing a little investigating and there are a numberPosted by Jason was in surgery for several hours and came through in a positive manner . The doctor told me that they basically didn 't see any bacterial infection and that the fungal damage was all but gone . They did have to remove a bone fragment from his pelvis , as that bone had died , but it was expected , so I don 't consider it a set back , and neither did Jason . The doctor stated that as long as Wednesday 's surgery looked as good as ( or better than ) today 's then they will begin closing up some of his wounds , and by Friday we can probably begin to make plans for him to move up to the 5th floor , for the next phase of his recovery . He came out of surgery at about 1 : 00pm , and by 2 : 00pm we were in with him , talking about whatever he wanted to talk about , and then we noticed he was getting a little tired . At 2 : 20pm we left , to let him rest / sleep and thought we would be headed off to go do some other things , when at a little before 3 : 00pm I received a call from the Master Gunny Sargent , and he asked if we could come over to Jason 's room - Scared the hell out of me - to say the least . Then he said that someone wanted to come by and visit with Jason and he thought it would be good for us to be there , so we hurried over to find a full Colonel and a 3 - star General visiting with Jason . Oh , and the Master Gunny was there too . . . They said they just wanted to see how he was doing and I guess they come and visit with the Marines who are recovering often , but it was the first time I had known about it . Actually it was kinda funny , as Jason was taking it almost as a matter - of - fact kind of visit , and Bridgette was nervous . I guess she gets that way around the high ranking officers , and she wasn 't even in uniform . Anyway , Jason felt pretty good after the visit , and I think that was the intended affect anyway . There is no surgery planned for tomorrow , so we should be able to go over and visit with Jason for more than just a few minutes , but then again we need to get some chores done . The Marines have provided me with a " free " rental car , actuaPosted by With Spring comes new life and it seems to be very appropriate with the advent of how Jason is doing . Today marked a number of miles stones for our Marine Hero . Jason can now speak fairly clearly and hold a conversation with people ; Jason can now move both of his arms by crossing his chest and lifting them up ( about 5 inches ) without causing him much discomfort ; he can move his fingers on his left hand and even touch his thumb to his pinky , and he even showed the doctor that he could " flip him off . " That last part was actually a part of the exercise that the doctor wanted him to do . Now the big thing . . . he was able to plant his arms down on the bed and push off at the elbow and lift himself up slightly off the bed . That is huge in the recovery process . I 'd rather he not do it too often , until after they close up the wounds , but it is nice to see that he has the strength to do it . On top of all those achievements , they have allowed him to begin eating " solid " foods , and drinking . The VERY first thing he asked for was a lemonade , so I went out to the store and found some real lemonade and brought it back to him . The nurse said it would be kept in the refrigerator , and that as long as it was okay for him to have it , they would bring it to him . His attitude is pretty positive , though I can see a great deal of discomfort on his face , and sometimes I worry that he is trying too hard to get out of the I . C . U . I want him out as quickly as possible , but I don 't want him to cause a set back by showing how strong he is . Perhaps that 's a parental thing , and I 'm being too concerned , but none - the - less , it was good to see him up to the challenge . Thank you , for all the continued thoughts and prayers , and it is good to see that we are getting hits on the blog from people from all over the country . Jason had a rough night last night , experiencing bad dreams and waking up in a sweat a few times . As a result he was very tired this morning and basically asked if he could be pretty much left alone , so that he could get some rest . The doctors and medical staff have ways of helping with these kinds of issues , as there have been several other guys , before Jason , to have to go through the same type thing . Mom was able to visit him early this morning for a short while , with our friend Chris Greenlaw , and then Bridgette came a little later ( she was delayed because of getting the girls ready , and I stayed behind to help ) . Bridgette spent about 10 minutes with Jason and let him sleep , and we all came back to the hotel and took a nap . Later in the afternoon I went over to see how Jason was , since I hadn 't seen him all day , and he was still pretty tired . He asked me if I had a lemonade , to which I said no , and then asked the nurse about when he was going to be able to start drinking water , but I guess that isn 't going to happen before Monday . He is scheduled for another surgery on Monday , for the continued effort of cleaning out the bad stuff . We are just hoping that it continues in a positive direction . I was only with him for about 10 minutes and then told the nurse that he was not to have any visitors , other than immediate family or from the medical staff . The nurse on duty said they would see to it . I 'll be updating more tomorrow , and think we will be able spend some time with him so look for a more complete update tomorrow . Actually today gave us some time to take care of some other things that have simply been sitting , so perhaps it was a good thing . Thank you , to all for your continued prayers and offers of support , it is very much appreciated . Good morning all , we are just getting ready to go visit with Jason , and will be putting more of an update a bit later today . Right now though , I want to provide an address where you can send cards , pictures , " things " to be shared with Jason . DO NOT SEND FOOD OR FLOWERS ! ! If we can brighten up his room in anyway it will help in his recovery . Send them to : George RossGeneral Delivery8901 Wisconsin Ave . Bethesda , MD 20889 - 5600Either Linda or I will be going to pick things up there , on a regular basis , and bringing them back to Jason . Thanks , and God Speed to you all . Jason had a good day today , with a successful 6 - hour operation and initial close up of some of his wounds . The way the body works on wounds is that when the body feels that the wounds is ready to begin healing it will cause the wound to contract , and pull together . In Jason 's case the wounds are so open that they can 't close on their own , and need some help from the doctors . The doctors are allowing some of the areas to do some closing , as it will help in the long run , towards general overall healing , and then when they need to go back in - probably in a few days - they will be able to open them up easily enough , without causing additional damage . At least this is how I understand it , from what they tell me . The bacterial infection is pretty much at a minimum , the fungal infection is almost gone , and there was little tissue being removed today . All this was positive , and we 're pretty happy about it . Funny , what makes one happy now . After his surgery he was brought back up to his room and all he had was a cannula , to help with the oxygen , and then about a dozen other hoses hooked up in various places . This is so much better than when he first came in . Now , when he is somewhat recovered from the drugs , he can carry on a conversation , and you can actually understand what he is saying . Today , after the surgery , he asked the doctor when he was going to be able to eat . She asked him what he would like and he said a chocolate sundae , and spaghetti dinner . It was good to see him thinking about food now . Shortly after this he went to sleep , and we were told he would probably be out for the rest of the day . Bridgette spent the most time with him today , but in all honesty , there was a great deal said , but not necessarily with words . A real positive outcome from today 's surgery was that he doesn 't have to get his next visit to the O . R . until Monday . There was a dinner for the Wounded Warriors and their families , and it was the first time we got to see several of the service men , getting out . They were all much further along thPosted by To day was a good day for Jason , as they removed the breathing tube from his mouth and throat , and his medications and pain meds were lowered . All this lead to him being able to begin talking to us , and have visitors , other than from family . On top of that , Bridgette came with the girls today ( she went a short time ago to go pick them up ) , so he 'll be able to see and speak with them as well . Of course tomorrow is Friday , and he is scheduled for another surgery ( I 'll talk more about that later ) so we will need to go visit with him early in the morning , and then later tomorrow we will be able to visit with him again . He was visited by a bunch of different doctors with all of them asking him the same basic questions of , " How are you feeling ? Where do you have pain ? Can you tell me where you are ? " etc . , etc . Then came the psychiatrist , who wanted to be sure of his mental abilities and neurological issues . He began with those same questions then asked , " Do you know what day it is ? " Jason replied St . Patrick 's Day - which it is , and this kind of surprised the doctor . He then asked if Jason knew what the date was , and Jason said , " Yes , it is the 17th . " , and the doctor asked if he knew the month and Jason told him it was March . Then came the big question . . . " Do you know what year it is ? " and Jason paused for a moment and said , " 1729 " . The doctor was taken aback a bit by this and then Jason kinda smirked that little smirk he does and then the doctor realized he was joking . The doctor said , " Okay , now you 're making me feel anxious - what year is it ? " Jason said , " 2011 . " and smiled . The doctor was pleased with his response and said he was doing just fine . They talked a bit more and discussed the challenges of phantom pain , where Jason commented that he had a pain in his foot , and obviously there is no foot . Jason seems to have accepted that he has lost his legs , and he seems to have done so better than the rest of us . The surgery he is going to be going through tomorrow is much like the ones he has had in the past , only this Posted by This entry is to provide a few more details to let those who want to know , what happened , and how did Jason receive these injuries in the first place . This information comes from the wife of the man who actually saved Jason 's life , GSgt Rickabauh . We had the good fortune to meet her a few days back and she offered to provide the information . They were out on patrol , and cleared a village in the northern part of the Hilmand district . They had finished clearing the village and left , only to learn the next day that the Taleban had come back in and set more I . E . D . 's so the patrol began clearing again . Jason was in full gear and leading the group , when they approached a masque . I was the last area needing to be be cleared again when he stepped on a hidden pressure plate . They don 't use nice , well defined materials for their pressure plates , so not only was it hidden , it was not detectable with the metal detector . The explosion hit all the guys , with Jason obviously taking the brunt of the blast . GSgt Rickabauh was right behind Jason and put a tourniquet on him and then he was taken to the closest medical center . From the center they stabilized him enough to get him to the next level medical center , still in Afghanistan where he was again stabilized and then flown to Germany , where they began treating him further . Fortunately , they were able to get Bridgette , his wife , out to be with him and they road the med - evac flight back to here , Bethesda , where Mom and Dad were waiting , and the treatment continues now . More udates later today , but right now I 'm headed over to be with him . . . Jason had a very long surgery today , and it went well . The doctors were pleased with what they found and only had to remove a minimal amount of tissue . The wounds are all still open , and will remain that way until they find that the fungus and bacteria has all been taken care of . We were over to visit with Jason prior to the surgery and at that time he was actually pretty well awake , and only had a minimal amount of affect from the drugs . As a result he was able to communicate with us for almost a full 30 minutes and he was able to focus on us with clear eyes . Once they took him into surgery we had other things to attend to . Laundry had to be done , and then we had our " official " orientation . As it was , I was the only one in the laundry area and was able to use multiple machines all at the same time and was finished in just over an hour and a half . Then we had to head back over to the hospital for our orientation , that lasted another two hours . So now we 're getting hungry . . . We grabbed a quick sandwich and went back up to see if Jason had come back . Jason was there , but now he was back under the affects of medications and drugs , and wasn 't able to communicate again . We were only there for a short while when they said they wanted to do an MRI on his neck and shoulders . He has been wearing a neck brace since he first left Afghanistan and they aren 't comfortable removing it until they know there is no damage . THEN , they found out that he still had shrapnel in both arms and said we can 't do an MRI if they have shrapnel . Now they want to go with a Cat Scan , but by now it is getting later and David is going to the air port , and I need to go take care of some other things so at this point we don 't know the results , and probably won 't know until tomorrow morning . We 'll be headed back over early tomorrow morning and then start again . We go through each activity and some times progress is good , and other times progress is not quite as good . We feel Jason is showing just how strong he is , because he hasn 't had any set backs . TPosted by It has been a very long day and another trip up and down on the roller coaster , with a final little up , here at the end . Linda and I visited with another family , whose Marine has injuries similar to Jason 's . The family was both honest and realistic about how the treatment and progress would be , and it felt very positive . David was up with Jason already , and had been for over an hour when we came in . We really don 't know what we would have done if David and Miriam hadn 't come . Jason was a bit more alert , and this was both good and bad , though I guess the reason it was " bad " was an inevitability . The good was because we were able to communicate better with him , and the bad was that it seemed like Jason was beginning to recognize that he was seriously injured and that he wasn 't physically the same . You could see in his eyes and facial expressions that he was distressed , and not just from the pain . He answered some of my questions with blinks of the eyes , and we could tell that his vision was much better today as he could focus on who was talking to him . When I asked him about having visitors he indicated that he did not want to see any . I think it is directly linked to the fact that he understands some of his injuries . This is going to be difficult for him ( and us ) so we need to be prepared to work even harder to keep his spirits up . Tomorrow he goes back in for another surgery , and from what we have been told it sounds like it is going to be a very long set of procedures . We were spoken to by five sets / teams of surgeons , all of them wanting to be sure that we fully understood what they were going to be doing . By the time we were done talking to them all I felt like I had a pretty good idea of exactly what was going to be happening . They all seemed to take painstakingly detailed explanations so that the families do understand and they are so very patient to answer questions - completely . Jason will be going in by 7 : 30AM , so they 'll come and get him by 6 : 45AM . The surgery will be for about 6 hours , and possibly more . Posted by Just wanted to provide a last update for Jason , as we just got back from the hospital and had our visit with him . He opened his eyes but didn 't see us , or respond to our questions . He 's had a pretty rough day , though it was a good day . We are hopeful for the removal of the breathing tube tomorrow , but that remains to be seen . The support staff that is working with him all seem to be professional and courteous , as we have gotten to know some of them . We 've also been able to meet some of the other families and their Wounded Warriors , as they are called . Some of them actually know Jason , so once he comes around a bit he will be able to have guys he knows to talk to . More up dates coming tomorrow . Thank you all , for your support . Well today was another roller coaster of a day , and so far has seemed to have ended on a high . We have met so many doctors and nurses that it kind of makes my head swim , but they all seem to have a great deal of focus on Jason and his recovery , and the head doctor , Dr . Malone , has been great about keeping us up dated . Jason had to go in for more " clean up " surgery and it took several hours to accomplish . Before he went in they provided us with some of the details of what they wanted to do , and basically what they expected to find ( the down ) . We had to wait about six and a half hours , when they were completed to find out that what they found was much better than they had thought they would find and they only had to remove a smaller amount of tissue . Though we don 't want ANY more removed the fact that only a smaller area was showing signs of infection showed that Jason 's body was fighting back and doing a good job of it ( the high ) . Jason still can not speak , and is still in a drug induced comma , but we are hopeful that he will be able to show that he can breath on his own through the night and into tomorrow . Then they will begin taking the breather off of him . We are vary anxious to be able to speak with him , but even after it is removed it may take a day or two for him to be able to communicate . I will continue to provide posts and updates as they come . Right now we 're headed back over to be with him . Thank you all for your continued support . I just returned from seeing Jason and his eyes are beginning to open , and he is starting to recognize different people . He is also starting to respond to questions by blinking his eyes , sense he still can not speak . They are happy with his progress and are feeling cautiously optimistic ( there 's that phrase again ) for Jason and his recovery . My heart dropped , when I actually got to see some of his wounds but I did my best to not show reaction . Since it was just me , Jason and the medical staff I think I did pretty well . I still deal with the pain of seeing him like this , and Mom is doing her best to cope , and the Marines are providing us with support and counseling . About the best thing that has happened so far has been that today , while I was talking to him , I asked him to squeeze my hand and he did . That showed a solid sign that he had control of his hands and there was probably no neurological damage in his arm and hand ( this was his left hand ) . The right arm is still immobilized , so we won 't know about that one for a little while , and even so we are confident he will have full use of both his arms and hands . More updates coming in the morning . . . Its early Sunday morning and we will be headed over to see Jason shortly . Yesterday we had a discussion with the Doctor and she told us that they hoped that they did not have to go back in for additional surgeries with Jason today . We also found out that we MIGHT be able to see him with his eyes open for the first time , tomorrow . It would be so wonderful to be able to talk with him , rather than just to him . They tell us that he can kind of hear us , and that he knows we are there , but that when he wakes he won 't have much , if any , memory of us being there . They give him a drug that helps him to forget much of what is going on , and most importantly , the pain . His hands look remarkably well , considering they only had the protective gloves on . One arm has a possible break / fracture , though there is no cast on either arm , I guess we find that out today . They took him down for additional X - rays of his pelvis , as that is broken and they need to stabilize more with a metal frame . He will continue to be going through surgeries for some time to come . One of the other patients here is a Gunny Sgt , and also EOD , like Jason , who experienced a similar set of injuries . We hope to get to meet him this week , as he is farther along in his healing and it could really help us understand better what is going to be happening to Jason . Also , it would be good to have someone here that Jason can relate to , more than just family . Jason was in surgery early this morning to take care of his wounds again , and it won 't be the last time . His surgery went for about four hours . The challenge he is facing ( and the doctors ) is that the soil in Afghanistan has bad stuff in it and when the blast went off , it forced some of that stuff up into his skin and muscle tissue . This can cause infection and other problems so they have to do extra treatments to combat the infections that are caused . Also one of the things they can do is to remove some of the tissue , and quite frankly Jason does not have a lot of tissue he can afford to loose . They are doing all they can to get all the infection out , but sometimes they can 't find it all until it shows up . We have been cautioned to be prepared to take 3 steps forward and then 1 step back until such time as he is ready to move on to a rehab center . The doctor said to be cautiously optimistic so that is how I am telling you all to be . We did get to go in and be with him again today , and we will again a bit later today . This is the way it is going to be for the next few days , but we don 't know if that means two more days or four more days , but it won 't be too much longer until they bring him out of his drug induced sleep . Please continue to pray for Jason and keep him in your thoughts . Our family really does appreciate the continued messages on the blog so please continue . Just left the hospital and spent some time with Jason . He is still very heavily sedated so he did not respond to our talking to him . David and Miriam arrived just prior to us going in to see him , so he got a bunch of visitors all at once and it was a good thing . We are making arrangements for Sean and George to come out , though it looks like they won 't be able to get here for another several days . By that time Jason will be already getting some rehab . On his condition , it was difficult for us to see him , in all the hoses and wires , but we are so happy to know that he is doing positive and getting better . We will be getting with the doctors tomorrow to find out more details but for right now they are taking him in to surgery to clean his wounds and make sure everything is working . Stay tuned for more updates tomorrow , and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts . Jason should be arriving in the next 2 - 3 hours , so Linda and I are anxious and nervous , scared and excited , happy and sad all at the same time . David and Miriam should be here soon ( and that will help ) and the Marines will be picking them up at the airport , I hope in time to be here before Jason arrives . The out pouring of support has been wonderful and very much appreciated . First , we would like to thank everyone for all the prayers and support for Jason , as he begins his recovery from the injuries sustained . He is a strong and positive young man and that , combined with strong support from his family and all those who love him , we truly believe he will be able to find his way , from the injuries . Most of you want to know what happened . Jason was on patrol in Afghanistan , doing his job , when an I . E . D . ( improvised explosive device ) went off . I 'm not going to provide any more details than that , until I am comfortable providing it . He sustained injuries to both his legs , where his left leg was amputated from below the knee and his right leg from above the knee . He also sustained internal injuries and I guess maybe , that was the scariest part for his mother and I . He was taken to an in - country medical center where they stabilized him enough that they could medevac him to Germany so he could receive additional treatment . Once he was in Germany they took him in for further surgery and it was a little scary again , as Bridgette , his wife , Linda and I were asked to fly to be with him . Linda and I didn 't have our passports , so initially they flew us to Washington , D . C . where the State Department provided us with 1 - year passports , and Bridgette was able to go directly to be with him , as she is also a Marine . While we were processing we received news that Jason had improved enough and that he was to be flown to Bethesda , MD , and we would not need to go to Germany . Bridgette was already on her way and would be traveling home with him on the next medevac flight . This was a major relief for us , as it is a strong indication that he stabilized enough and was strong enough to make the flight . It is now about 4 : 00AM ( EST ) and we expect to be with him in less than 12 hours . His brother David and David 's wife Miriam , are on their way out to be with him and us as well . His other brothers ( Sean and George ) are all working to make their way out here as well , with the help of the Marines ( much appreciated ) , thougPosted by
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Over the past few years , I have really come to believe there is a higher power with a master plan - I especially try to remember this when the idiot in front of me can 't differentiate between the gas and the brakes , when the checker in Walmart takes 15 minutes to check out the person in front of me or the car in front of me at the McDonald 's drive thru can 't seem to figure out what they want . Tonight , divine intervention took me to the same elevator as Kim Weaver 's father - on his way up to the third floor of Dodd Hall . Kimmy is the patient I wrote about last week . I was a little off on her age - she is 20 , not the teenager I thought she was . Whatever - she is still very young . At any rate , I ran into Mr . Weaver on the elevator and he told me the picture the nurse took last week was on Kim 's website . I told him we were on our way to the 4th floor , but that we would stop down and see Kim on our way out . The " nurse " turned out to be Kim 's sister , Nicole . When I knocked on the door in her room , Kim was just finishing a home cooked meal of pot roast and potatoes . She was glad to see us - and even I could see a difference from last week . She talks very softly , but is aware of what is going on around her . Say a prayer that Kim gets a 2 day pass for Christmas Eve and Christmas day . Many people ask why I do this - tonight , I am tired and really gave thought to just curling up on the couch and staying home . I had the opportunity to crash a birthday party tonight , but opted out so we could go volunteer . Everyone has a story , and tonight I learned Kim 's story . Tonight , I said a prayer for her and her family , and gave thanks for my own health and the health of those I care about . You can learn about Kim on the following website . Her friends put a video together on You Tube , I would encourage you to watch that as well . Chelsie is also on the site . www . caringbridge . orgname : Kimberlyweaver ( all one word ) As usual , Chelsie was just fabulous . Kim was the last patient we saw , and she did great - was very patient and we spent about 15 miPosted by As many of you may or maay not know , Chelsie LOVES peanut butter - further evidence she is truly her mom 's dog . We have 2 kinds of PB in this house - human and dog . Yep , I get Jif , she gets Kroger brand . Call the pound . Mom is exhausted tonight . Between work , trial - ing and volunteering tonight , I am DONE . Stick a fork in me ( as Chel just let out a big groan ) . Tonight , as usual , she was awesome . We actually had a new adventure - we went to the third floor tonight . The patient population on 4 was very low , we were only there for about 30 minutes . With that in mind , I headed down to three , to see what the climate was like down there . We did see a few people on four , but many were asleep already . It was a cold gray day in Columbus , so I can hardly blame them . Today would have been a good day for a nap . I have to say , the level at which she has become SPOILED at this hospital is RIDICULOUS . Tonight , as the weather was horrid , we again went to Dodd in the tunnels . About halfway through the tunnel , this horrible , loud noise started - I thought something was taking off over us . Chelsie was definitely agitated . Just as fast as the noise started , it quit - the only thing I could think was thank god , because it was loud . I don 't think anything of it , until we see the meal lady in the hall . She says - I was pushing the trays in the tunnel and I saw it was scaring her , so I waited until you got in the building before I kept going . Unreal - where do I get treatment like that ? ? ? ? Once we got to three , I introduced us to the nursing staff . They immediately sent us to a room where an older man was visiting with his son . He had a German Shepherd at home , and was very happy to see Chelsie . She was happy to see him to - he had some crumbs on his front , and she put on her best display of manners and went after his crumbs . We had a really nice visit . The room after that was tough . There was a young girl in there - and I mean young . She was maybe 15 , maybe 16 - not older than that . Kimmy was her name . If I had to guess , she has been inPosted by My little Chel cleaned house this weekend at her agility competition ! ! ! She had three qualifying scores in four runs ( " Q 's " ) toward her novice agility titles - and , in all three she took first place ! ! ! The run she did not Q on , she broke her start line stay - that is , took off before mom said to . Consequently , when mom looked up and she was halfway to the second jump , I panicked , and my plan got screwed up . She knocked a bar on a jump down . . . bad news . No Q . But mom is very , very proud of her , she did great . For everyone out there , there are three levels of titles in AKC agility - novice ( beginner ) , open ( medium ) and excellent ( advanced ) . We moved to open in the standard group ( has all the obstacles - teeter , tunnels , jumps , weave poles , tables ) and are still in novice in jumpers ( just jumps , tunnels and weave poles ) . On a side note , some news station showed Tressel after the 2003 National Championship when he said " We have the best damn band in the land and now we have the best damn team in the land ! ! ! " It was awesome , got me all pumped up . GO BUCKS ! ! ! Wow - can all of you out there believe it ? I know all you Buckeye fans were paralyzed in front of the TV in disbelief as Pitt beat WV . Saturday was definitely a day where screaming at the TV was appropriate - usually that is reserved for Michigan day . However , as this loss , along with the shellacking Oklahoma was putting on Missouri , guaranteed us a number one ranking and a spot in the National championship . The only thing that would cap off a perfect season is if Tebow does not win the Heisman - yep , I am a Florida hater . Jodi , you can show this to JJ because I know you are with me on that ! ! Today has been an incredibly long day for the mama . The weather out here is horrendous again , and I was more thankful for the tunnels than ever . If the building ever blows up while I am in those tunnels , I will definitely die , because no one would ever find us down there . But for nights like tonight , it was perfect . And I did not even get lost - nothing short of a miracle . The weather outside is still horrendous . . . wind blowing , chimes ringing . I saw every hour on the clock last night , because I thought the wind was going to blow the siding and roof off my house . I said as much to my mother , whose response was " Don 't you have insurance ? " My response was something along the lines of at 3AM wide awake and irrationally terrified , I was not thinking about whether or not I had insurance . Now , on to more important things - like Chelsie 's work . She worked tonight , and she was awesome . Definitely the neatest thing that happened tonight was that we got to meet the other Chelsie ! ! She was up visiting her mom , and they greeted each other in the usual dog way - they got in each other 's faces and that made me nervous . . . sometimes , Chel does not like it when dogs sniff her face . She is becoming my crotchety old lady . I wish she would play with other dogs , but she is content for a quick sniff and she is done - no questions asked , let 's move on , mom . Then of course , the jealously came out about whose parents could pet who and all that stuff - yPosted by Yes , it was . . . it was a cold , crappy rainy day here in lovely Ohio - it is days like today that drove all the west coast girls back to the nest . I wished to be one of you today ! ! ! These are the days I usually HATE taking Chel out - dealing with 70 lbs of wet dog is no fun . However , unbeknown st to me , there is a maze of underground tunnels that connect several of the hospital buildings . My volunteer coordinator shared that with us today , saving me from having to walk in 40 degree rainy weather . I appreciated that greatly because I did not have to bundle up like the nook of the north and deal with wet dog . Tonight , she was absolutely awesome . It started off well when we did not have to walk in the rain and just got better from there . Apparently , it was just not a good day at Dodd . There were several new admissions and one patient had just gotten some bad news ( I never did find out what ) . Upon my arrival , we found all Chelsie 's favorite nurses to be there - Clara , Angie , Kori and Gabby , just to name a few . Angie said I needed to go to 4147 , they were pretty upset in there ( the room with the bad news ) and went to see if they wanted us to come in . Unfortunately , the wife was allergic to dogs , so we did not go in there . Tonight , she was very therapeutic for the nursing staff . We finally made our way down to the end of the hall , and came across a very nice man who had been there for 5 hrs . He loved dogs , and had 2 great Pyrenees . We talked for probably 15 minutes - he had a stroke 17 mos ago , they did not know why and he had some mobility issues with his legs . Apparently he had passed out in the shower and could not walk when he came to . He had lost his wife three years ago to breast cancer , however , despite all of this , he had a great attitude and was a pleasure to talk to . He is not sure how long he is going to be there , so we will definitely look to visit him again if he is . One very nice thing that happened tonight is that one patient who had been in isolation for our last few visits was finally in the clear ! ! ! He had Posted by God bless Houston Nutt , Darren McFadden and the rest of the Razorbacks . All we need now is for the Sooners of Oklahoma to come through and beat the Tigers of Missouri and we are looking good ! ! ! It would also be nice if Pitt could put the hurt to WV , but I am not holding my breath for that one . Chelsie 's buckeye collar is staying for another week . . . . Mommy & Chelsie The entire family With my baby brother . . . Happy thanksgiving ! We hope you had an opportunity to spend time with family and friends . As you can see , Chel and I went to grammie and grampie 's house for some turkey . Grammie made sure the puppies , all three of them , got some " bird " on Thanksgiving . Prior to going to grammie 's , she did work this morning . There were not a lot of people there , but the ones we did see were very happy to see us . We saw some of our patients from Monday night , along with Angie and Kori , two of Chelsie 's most loved nurses . We were standing talking to one of the day nurses , when Angie walked up . Chelsie was busy telling the day nurse her sob story about how mistreated she was , and I told her to give it up , Angie knew better . When Angie came up , she went over to Angie for some loving and butt scratching . Angie was happy to give it to her . All three puppies are crashed out on the floor . . . my poor little baby angel has not had a nap all day , and after playing with her cousins all day , she is passed out on the floor behind me . Grampie and her chocolate lab cousin are also tired , they are snoring . Yes , the chocolate lab snores with the best of them . Thank god my little precious does not have a deviated septum like that brown dog . But we love that brown dog dearly . We hope everyone had a nice turkey day - I will NOT be getting up for Kohl 's and JC Penney 4AM sale tomorrow morning . For those of you that are , good luck , may you find your bargains . Tomorrow is tree day in the Paloney household - on my nice new carpet . Cheryl , getting carpet is a lot of work . . . but well worth it . It feels so nice and soft on my feet ! It was pouring down rain yesterday and little Chel came in , all set to rub her wet head on the floor . . . and mommy promptly screamed NO ! ! ! ! ! We will see how long that lasts . . . Happy Thanksgiving ! Love , Nicole & The Chelsie Belle This week is a FANTASTIC week - Mom is on VACATION ! ! ! ! Yea ! ! Our week started off with a bang - new carpet . Yep , that nasty gross stuff that was in here before is gone . Chelsie was banished to grammie 's - there were 4 people in the house , a lot of noise and it was HOT . I had to turn the heat up to make the carpet more pliable to stretch - so it was like 77 degrees in the house . BUT , getting carpet is a lot of work . Chelsie came home in time to be able to go to work . Lots of people were in isolation last night , so right off the bat , we could not go into about 5 rooms . We were done with the first side of the hall in no time . The second side of the hall was a different story - all in all , we were there again for about an hour and twenty minutes . We did get to see a few people we saw last week - the lady that had 2 labs was actually going home today , so she was very happy . She was very happy to see Chelsie . Her roommate was an older lady that we saw last week - she was pretty immobile , but I took Chel to the other side of the bed where she could see her . This lady was a dog lady , and she told me over and over how beautiful Chelsie was . Of course she is . : ) We also saw an older man we saw last week - this week he had a lady friend in there with him . I am not sure if it was his wife or not , but she saw us in the hall and asked us to come in . Chelsie jumped in her chair and immediately started giving kisses . They were laughing and loving on her - and she was just eating it up . Like she is so unloved at home . The last room of the night was 2 middle aged ladies - and was my room of the week to be reminded not to judge . There was a very rough middle aged lady in there who kind of blew me off initially , but then was very excited when she realized I was the one with the dog . Apparently one of the nurses had told her I was coming , and she was very excited . Her roommate had an assistance dog - you guessed it , a black lab mix named Chelsie ! ! ! My Chelsie was at the end of her rope by then , but she was able to gut it out for about 10 Posted by After a week off , we were back on the job . I have been a totally terrible mom , the weather has SUCKED and I have been exhausted , so poor Chel has not had her walks like she is used to having . She was quite excited to put on her vest and go to work . So we got there last night as usual , and while Chelsie was rummaging through the trash and getting her butt scratched , I happened to look in and see nurse Clara sitting in a chair - and very OBVIOUSLY expecting . I said to the nurse coordinator . . . Um , is Clara expecting - like the answer is totally obvious . Keep in mind we see her on a pretty regular basis , and she is due in 6 weeks - can we say DUH ? Clara is a trooper - still on her feet moving everyone around . As you can tell from the title , there were a lot of dog loving patients last night - we did not even make it down the hall , when this older lady saw us and said , Come in here ! They were total dog people , and Chelsie knew it . She jumped right up on her chair - this lady wanted kisses , and mommy is not too crazy about letting her give kisses . I was able to keep the kissing under control , but this lady was loving on her big time . Her roomie had people in with her , so we skipped her , but when we came back down the hall , we got Come back in here , she wants to see the dog , she thought she missed you . We went into another dog lover - she had a picture of her dog in with her , and she teared up . She loved all over Chelsie too - and asked if she could sit on the bed . I normally do not let her do that , but this lady appeared to be mobile enough and was situated on the bed in a manner in which I felt OK about putting her on the bed . It actually worked out very well - Chelsie snuggled right up to her . As if she is SO mistreated at home . . . We had yet another interesting encounter last night . We came into a room with a man who clearly had some mobility issues and was deaf . If I had to guess , he likely had cerebral palsy - fists were sort of clenched and it looked like his muscles were pretty tight . Anyway , when we walked in , he waPosted by Well , we made it back to work tonight . The trip last week was from hell - I did not walk into the hotel until 2 : 45AM Monday morning and spent 11 hrs trying to get home on Wednesday . I did not get aggravated until my bag did not show up when I got back to C - bus - then I got pretty ticked . But it was all worth it to get home to Chel - luckily for her , I had to stop at Walmart on the way home ( the airline did not know where my bag was and my hair dryer was in that bag - ladies , you are with me on this one ) and I got her a new toy at Walmart . The whole situation also forced me to eat for comfort , and she ended up with an empty ice cream cone from Graeter 's as well . Tonight , she was awesome - amazing from start to finish . As usual , she was very excited when we got there , whining and carrying on so . She was all ready to go - we got there and did not even have time to see what rooms were in isolation before one of the regular nurses ( Kori ) was yelling at us to come down to a room . It turns out it was the older gentleman we had seen the last 2 times we were there . It was an exciting day for him because he had walked with a cane . He will still be here for awhile , but his motto is " it just takes time " . He told me tonight that 3 weeks ago he could not even walk with a cane . I could tell he was proud of himself . The first room of the night tonight was my reminder room . I went down to the end of one hall - by this time , it was pretty dark . The door to the room at the very end of the hall was open , and this woman was in there laying with her stuffed animals . As someone who gets comfort from animals - stuffed and live - I immediately had a soft spot for her . I could not tell if she was awake at first , but then she quickly realized I had a dog and that I was there to see her . She was very much a dog person , and Chelsie knew it . She jumped on the chair - all be it facing the other way - and let this lady scratch her back for a long time . We did a world of good in 4096 last night . There were a number of people tonight who wanted to sPosted by Unfortunately , we will not be working this week . Several things came up at work , and mom had to take one for the team and go to Boston Sun - Wed . Complicating matters is that my child care is somewhere between Columbus and Rhode Island - my parents continue to be the travelers and decided they wanted to go to the East Coast for a week . Chelsie will have to spend a few days with uncle Joey and Ella - we will see if Uncle Joey gets smart and puts his trash can on a chair . If not , he will be picking up trash every night when he gets home from work at 3AM . . . . We hope this finds every one well . To date , we have not been skunked again , although I smelled it when I walked in the house last night from soccer and her nose still has a little eau de skunk to it . Maybe I am a little sensitive . . . . Love , Nicole and The Chelsie Belle Well , we made it through the rest of the weekend without any more skunks . I did call Varmint Guard - they can set traps for 2 weeks , but who knows how many skunks there are ? ? We have about 100 oz of tomato juice and 100 oz of peroxide - and hopefully smarter mom . Chelsie had quite a day today . Grampie came over to give her a break and called to tell me that she had done the following : 1 ) Sink surfing - a knife , fork and tupperware bowl were on the floor in the living room2 ) TP Surfing - something she has never done before . Good thing grampie was there to save herAfter a hard day 's work , she then had to rest in the green and yellow bedroom - under the covers . It was necessary to throw the pillows off and pull the quilt back , so she could get under the covers to rest for her working night tonight . Tonight , as usual , she did fantastic work . She gave the floor nurse her standard greeting by rummaging through her trash . I think we have to start going earlier - with the change in season , it is getting dark early , and tonight when we went , a lot of people were in their rooms in the dark - at 7PM . We walked back to the car in the dark , how crazy is that ? ? ? We saw a few people we saw last week . We saw the nice old lady who used to work for Iams - she was excited because she was going home on Friday , a week head of schedule . This was very , very goo news . She was up roaming the hall with her walker , and we sat in the hallway and visited . We also saw the old man who had all the pictures everywhere . His wife was sitting with him , as she was last week . This week , he was up and sitting in his wheelchair - and appeared to be more alert this week . He acknowledged Chelsie , and found one of her favorite spots - the back of her neck . She was quite happy to stand and let him scratch her neck for a few minutes . We made his day better . My weekly lesson of who wants to see us continued again tonight . We always start at the very end of the hall and work back toward the middle - we finished the first side of the hall and went down to the otherPosted by I spoke too soon about the skunk . While we did not get skunked on our walk , we got skunked AGAIN in our own back yard . AGAIN at midnight . . UGH . I did not have any peroxide , so I had to use tomato juice - my concoction works much better than the tomato juice . Of course , I had just washed ALL my bedding and just had the tile in the bathroom cleaned and sealed . It was spectacular . I should also add that it decimated the back yard again . I have already let her out for the last time tonight - after stomping on the deck and yelling at the phantom skunk . And still , no little men have come to take me away . Tonight , Friday night , we went on our walk as usual . I know you all think I am nuts about the skunk thing , but tonight on our walk , we saw 2 of those little wretched varmints out roaming OUR neighborhood . Be assured we moved quickly the other way - careful not as to spook them into spraying . I should also add they came back and ripped up the middle of the front yard . Wretched varmints . Well , we made it back to the hospital tonight . While mom is still not feeling great , she did not have that miserable cold she had last week that kept us home . Just kind of tired and cranky , more than anything . But we did head on down to Dodd this evening , and as usual , I am glad we did . It has been incredibly hot here as of late - I mean record breaking heat . I think the record today was 89 and we broke it at 91 . Don 't all laugh , but I guarantee you every one of us Ohio girls has our AC cranked . I talked to Chelsie 's auntie Jodi last night in Reno and she said they had 2 days of snow already ! I assured her we were burning up out here ! I will be singing a different tune next week , it is supposed to be in the high 50 's Thursday . It was toasty walking to Dodd from the car . Chelsie spent most of the day in recovery from her agility competition this weekend , in which she performed very well - she was somewhat low key tonight . The nurses at Dodd have put little paper pumpkins outside all the rooms that say happy Halloween on them . Tonight when we got here , we were greeted by an older woman walking down the hall with a walker . She had heard one of the nurses say that the " puppy was here " so she got up to see what was going on . She was one of the more mobile people we have seen there . She petted Chel in the hall , and then we went down to the common room by the nurses station and visited there . Chel was very patient and let this woman pet her for 10 minutes . She had a chocolate lab at home who she missed very much - and she used to work from Iams . : ) We ended up visiting her when we got down the hall to her room again . As usual , I knew as soon as we visited her that no matter what happened for the rest of the visit , we made a difference to one person tonight . The rest of the night was pretty low key . One other neat thing was that in one of the rooms , the patient 's 4 grand kids came to see him . I did not actually go in the room - I asked the kids if they wanted to pet the puppy and they did , so we stayed outside in the hall . Posted by Hello all , We did not work tonight . Mom is sick - and has been since last Thursday . I had not been feeling well since Tuesday , but Thursday this thing just morphed into misery . I have been self exorcising with Nyquil and Sudafed - about the best I can say is that I sleep quite soundly at night ! I still feel like crap , and it made no sense to go to the hospital tonight . I did not walk in the walk and I did not play soccer - both of which should tell you how poorly I feel . Of course , though , I have been sucking it up and going to work . If however , Friday comes and I do not feel better , I am going to give in and stay home . Who knows , maybe I will even call a doctor . My poor father walked into my house on Thursday night to find me in a heap on the couch . . . I quickly assured him I just had a cold - at which point he inquired if I knew what a doctor was for . For those of you that did not know , I got the privilege of flying on the company jet on Thursday to Chicago - from OSU airport . My commute was 2 min to the airport , no security and we just got on the plane and left ! Long and short of it , I did not have an opportunity to call the doctor on Thursday . Chel did well this weekend - her handler is an idiot , but she did fine . She and her friend Grant , the Australian Shepherd ( Aussie for short ) are both looking for new moms after this weekend . They were great , their moms sucked . Thankfully , it is dogs we are talking about here , and we all know they love unconditionally . I did feel well enough to take the precious , beautiful and gorgeous baby angel for a walk tonight , and she appreciated that . I am going to see if I can talk her into cuddling for a bit - tonight 's dose of Nyquil is kicking in . We hope this finds the rest of the world doing well . Love , Nicole and The Chelsie Belle , who is looking for a new mom Dear god , I hope not . Last Monday night was the night that damn skunk crossed the line . I mean , it is one thing to eat my yard and leave me your mess , but when you cross the line and spray the baby angel . . . . she still has a little eau de skunk on her snout , but you have to grab it and pull it close to smell it . She sucked up the sympathy tonight at the hospital - " Oh , you poor thing " " What did your mommy do to help you ? " " Did you let her out of the yard ? " No , that stupid skunk sprayed her in her own yard . You can bet tonight before bed that mommy will check for such varmints . I did have a grub application put down ( which we think is what the skunks were going after ) and I have not seen or smelled them since . Tonight the house was empty , yet somehow , we managed to take over an hour to see maybe 6 - 7 patients . I thought we might be heading down to three tonight for the first time , but we did not . There were MAYBE 15 patients , 2 of them in isolation , so really only about 13 for us to see . Plus , today must have been a difficult day in therapy , many of the patients were already asleep . The first patient we saw had some trouble breathing , to the point his wife asked for a breathing treatment . He was having issue coughing and swallowing - thus he was having issues talking and breathing . He had an apparatus that he used to for suction to help him clear his lungs - Chel was very interested in that . She was also interested in his feeding tube - I told her to leave that alone , he needed it more than she did . Although the man could not speak , he was happy to see Chelsie - but when he reached for his magazine , I took the hint he had enough . We were at the nurses station when his wife asked for a breathing treatment . The nurse was awesome - I think we can arrange that . She called the doctor right away , and when we were visiting , she came in and listened to his breathing said , yep , that would help and that a treatment was on the way . Tonight , we also visited with Mr . Frasca . I was in his room last week and his daughter looked very fPosted by After three weeks off , little Chelsie Belle finally returned to work tonight . The first week we missed because of the rain - no way I was taking 70 lbs of wet dog in there . I was out of town the week after that , and last weekend was Labor Day and we were at grammie and grampie 's celebrating uncle Joey 's birthday . Mom had been off for so long she almost forgot how to dress Chelsie ! As usual , Chelsie was the star of the 4th floor . " Oh , the doggie is here , hi Chelsie , we have missed you ! " She of course , acts like NO ONE pays attention to her at home - all of you out there know better . I kept my promise to her of not cutting her nails on Monday night , even though the really need it . . . Tonight was a low key night . I was reminded again not to jump to conclusions about who may or may not want me to visit . In the first room , there was an older lady laying in the dark - I was pretty sure she would not want a visit - looked a little frail and also like she was settling down . But she wanted to see the dog , and was thrilled when I put Chelsie in a chair by her bed . I think she had a stroke - we were on her left and she reached across to pet Chel with her right hand . She liked Chelsie 's ears - they are very soft . Mommy loves Chelsie 's ears too . : ) As usual , the visit was worth it after the first room , I know that visit made her day better . At any rate , I was reminded not to guess whether or not anyone wanted to see us . Thankfully , Mr . Dillon was not there . That would have been a huge blow to him , if he had . We saw another man who had a similar device implanted for his heart . There was no chair in that room , and she was quite interested in his device - I told her to get out there , I was afraid she would disconnect it or something . Her ears were all perked up as she was sniffing it , and I was frantically telling her NO and pulling her back . I am not permitted to use my choke collar during her visits , and tonight was the first night I really would have liked it ! Fortunately , the man was sitting up because he needed to get to the faPosted by Well , I hope everyone does not think that Chel has been a slacker and not working - I have been a slacker and not been blogging . Mom has just been too tired . Tonight , it was so miserably hot and humid outside we almost stayed home . Mom sweated and Chelsie was panting by the time we got to the 4th floor of Dodd . My primary concern about tonight was that it would be very hot for little Belle in the patient rooms . Sometimes , it is very hot in the patients rooms , and with it being so hot outside , I was afraid it would be too much for her . But she was a champ , as usual . She still had energy when we got home , but there was NO WAY we were going out . To get back at me , she emptied her toy box . Tonight , we had a first - a patient who was a prisoner . When I first got there , Barb , the nurse coordinator , said not to go in 4098 . They could not tell me why ( patient confidentiality ) but said I would figure it out once I got there " trust them " . So of course , we go down that wing of the hall , and I see the corrections officer sitting there . I know it is not Christian like , but I had to laugh . Suffice to say , we did not visit that patient . I don 't think it would have mattered , this man was very " experienced " if you know what I mean ( he was an old man ) . One of the patients I don 't know that I have written about is Jerry . Jerry is about a 30 - 40 man , I think he has cerebral palsy . He is a very nice guy - his body is somewhat shriveled up , and up until last week , he had a cast on his left leg . He has trouble speaking , but if you are patient and just listen , it is actually pretty easy to understand him . The last 2 weeks have not been good weeks for him , he has been in a lot of pain and the reason why is a mystery . He is supposed to go home on Wednesday , but he is not sure if he is going to go to his parents house or to his apartment ( he lives in assisted living ) . He also runs a business , and has been away from his business for awhile . He finds this very frustrating . I think he enjoyed our company . I really hope they can manage his pain fPosted by First , Chelsie wanted me to tell everyone what happened to her last week . She went to the dreaded " doggie camp " while her family went on vacation . We went to Myrtle Beach to celebrate Bill and Maggie 's 40th wedding anniversary , and had a great time . Unfortunately , since grammie and grampie were on vacation with us , all three puppies got shuttled off to camp . As usual , mom made grammie be the bad guy - she dropped all three off at camp . Of course , then mom was the hero and picked up all three from camp . Tonight , when her grammie and grampie came over , she stayed VERY close to mom , despite reassurances from grammie that she was not going to take her anywhere . For those of you that think dogs don 't remember , you have not seen my little baby angel in action . She wanted no part of grammie tonight - I told her it was not nice , it hurt grammie 's feelings , but she did not care . Amazingly , she made a full recovery today - although I think she was a very vocal girl at camp . I had a new TV installed today , and she gave a really pathetic bark when they came to the door . I laughed , it was so pathetic . Despite the hot weather , we trooped off to Dodd Hall tonight , where there was a MAD game of bingo going on in the TV room on the 4th floor . Chelsie greeted the nurse coordinator in her usual manner , by scrounging on the floor to see if she dropped anything . It looked as though most of the people were in playing bingo , so I was not sure how our visits would go . Only one room was in isolation , so off we went . Overall , it was a pretty successful night . We ran into lots of " friends " tonight - the old man we saw a few weeks ago with the leg amputation remembered us and asked us how our vacation was . Chelsie sat in a chair for about 15 minutes and let him pet her . He asked the strangest question tonight - I was speechless , actually . ( Please , no comments from the peanut gallery ) He asked me what I was going to do with her when she died - I was a little confused by the question , and his roommate yelled at him for asking such a question . I Posted by Mommy got smart and picked up the trash can this week . No corn cobs chewed up and spit out all over the floor or carrot peelings and corn shucks on the floor . She might have been lab stew if I came home to another mess . . Well , tonight was a MUCH better night than last Monday night . . . for a whole bunch of reasons . First and foremost , aunt Sharon is home and is feeling better . Last Monday night was by far the worst period of her illness . She snapped out of it on Tuesday , thankfully and began to improve greatly . On Tuesday night , I again took the Truth down there to see her . When we got in the room , Truth ran over to the bedside and was so very excited to see her mom . I had to pull her back to get the harness off her so she could jump on the bed . She has become somewhat of a twit about jumping in the car in her harness , but I think last Tuesday she would have overcome her grievance about that if she had to . We helped Sharon get a shower and it was all uphill from there . She was able to come home Thursday - after being diagnosed with e - coli . Still not sure where it came from or if she was run down and her body just could not fight it off . She is still tired , but very happy to be home . And the rest of us were relieved the doctors were able to find out what it was - at the worst of it last Monday night , they did not know the origin of the illness . Thankfully in all this , her kidney continue to " kick butt " as it had for the past 7 years , and despite the rest of her body being ill , her kidney was just fine . Chelsie was fantastic tonight - I am a little worried she might not be feeling well . She actually walked on her short lead like a civilized canine being and kept the whining to a minimum tonight . She was civilized on her leash to and from the car . Mom was very happy - hopefully she will remember this behavior . We managed to do it again - leave 2 people in tears . One room was this middle aged guy , it seemed as though he had a stroke . He spoke very slowly and seemed to drool somewhat . I asked him if he wanted to come in , and he said yes . As I was moving the chair next to his bed , he all of a sudden started crying and saying how much he missed his dogs . I asked him if having us there was too upsetting , but he said no . We had a real nice visPosted by Tonight was quite the night . It is 9 : 46 PM and I am absolutely exhausted . Chelsie 's first patient tonight was none other than . . her aunt Sharon . On Saturday night , aunt Sharon all of a sudden got very sick , and on Sunday , discretion was the better part of valor and she went to the hospital . As we were going down to OSU anyway , I took Truth and Larry down to see her . Truth missed her mom and her mom missed her - it was a happy reunion . Chelsie and I went to Dodd Hall after we dropped them off . Sharon is pretty sick . All of her anti rejection drugs leave her immune system very compromised , so she is susceptible once she gets sick . As a transplant patient ( 2 kidney , 1 Pancreas ) she requires a little different care , so she is in the transplant unit at OSU . After seeing her tonight , she is where she needs to be . We had a good night at Dodd tonight . There were a lot of patients , and a lot of them wanted us to stop in and see them . The last room of the night was the roughest one . I walked in there , and this lady said " Bring this baby in here ! " So I did , and the patient was getting up to get out of bed . She took one look at Chelsie and got down on the floor with her and started crying . I looked up in a panic and asked if I should leave - the lady said no , no . I got down on the floor with her and she laid down and let this lady pet her . THEN , I looked up and the nurse was bawling - apparently her dog passed yesterday , so of course , she was upset . I can 't blame her - I was upset because both of them were crying . Thankfully , it was the last room of the night . She did such great work tonight - we met all kinds of interesting people . The first lady we met was nice lady - of Japanese descent , she told us - who was quite grateful to see Chelsie . We probably met the funniest patient in our time tonight . His family had made his room " Margaritaville " but as the patient said , without the margaritas . They were all very nice , and very much enjoyed our visit . Another patient that was memorable was an African American man and his wife . I am Posted by After taking a week off to celebrate Memorial Day , we headed back to see our friends at Dodd Hall . The day was a lot cooler than it has been , which was nice . It was a little windy outside , but the longer it stays cooler , the better . Sometimes the patient 's rooms can really stuffy . She did well again tonight . Although it seemed as though there was a full house , we had a few people in contact isolation and a lot of doors closed . Both our deaf lady and Bob seemed to be gone , which is a very good thing for both of them . Now that I think about it , we really only saw probably about 10 patients tonight , but spent a fair amount of time with each of the ones we saw . The first patient we saw was actually a very sick lady - she told me she had cancer , which was pretty obvious . She had a pretty good sized U shape scar above her right ear as well . We talked about her pets - she was pretty straight forward in telling me she wished it was her dog that was here instead of Chel . I can 't blame her - I know I would want my little puppy if I were in her shoes . She was trying to avoid germs , so she did not pet Chelsie . She seemed to enjoy our visit . Our last visit of the night was with the wife of a patient who was in contact isolation . Apparently they had a farm out near Marysville , and her husband used to hunt . She told me all about her dogs , and Chelsie really took to her . She bent down to pet Chelsie , and Chelsie went after her ear . . I had to tell her , Get down you crazy ear eater ! She wagged her body and walked around in circles while this lady scratched her butt . What a life . She is now upstairs resting . Mom is off to make her lunch and freeze little Belle 's peanut butter kong . What a life . I hope everyone is well . Well , it was a close one , but we managed to make it to the hospital tonight . Instead of eating a bee this week , she overdid it at Barkpark in the pond on Saturday and had a sore tail . When I got home on Sunday from the ball game , she was running around with her tail between her legs and could not sit down . All signs of a sore tail . She managed to recover yesterday and today , and I decided she was OK to go . She has to be able to sit to go to the hospital - " Sit " is the command I use to regain control of her if necessary . Tonight was sort of a slow night at the hospital , but it did manage to take us an hour to get up and down the halls of the 4th floor . We did see our friend Bob again , he was not feeling so great tonight . He did not get to see Buddy this weekend , apparently his daughters had a soccer tourney and they kept winning , and were not able to bring him up . He does have a D - date though , which is June 5th and he is very excited about that . Apparently he saw 2 other therapy dogs after Chelsie last week , so it was a decent dog week for him . He was looking a little sad until we walked in , and perked up when Chelsie sat in the chair next to his bed . He was one of our last visits of the night , so we spent a little more time with him . We did not get to see our lady that lost her hearing , she had gone off to have an MRI shortly before we got there . This was incredibly disappointing - she really likes Chelsie , all the nurses walking around her room tell me that when they see us . Sort of a bummer , but on a good note , I think she has been given a D - Date too of 5 / 31 . She is probably one of those people I will never forget . Everyone has a story , and I just wonder how her story will go on . I can hardly stand being away from Chelsie , can you all imagine what it will be like when I have to leave my kid somewhere ? ? The west wing of Dodd is where our old man whose grandsons drew pictures for him is . I don 't think he was having a particularly good night tonight either . I was not sure he was still here because the pictures were oPosted by Tonight was quite the night . The weather outside was absolutely gorgeous , and Chelsie was very excited to get her jacket on and get in the car . Mom put all the windows down for her , and she was in pure dog heaven - sitting in the middle of the back seat with the breeze blowing on her . Sometime over the past three days she ate a bee - or at least tried to . I have seen her trying to snag a bee out of the air , and told her she would be sorry if she ever did . A few days ago , I noticed her right lip was fat and swollen . It appears the damage was minimal and confined to her lip , and that she is on the mend . We were 15 minutes late getting up to the 4th floor . We encountered a patient outside who wanted to pet Chel , and she obliged him . He was a floor 3 patient - it was obvious he had some sort of back injury because he was wearing a rather large back brace , but he was able to walk with a walker and get around . While not in great shape , he was in good enough shape to be walking on his own . Anyway , he was somewhat disappointed we would not be coming to three , but I explained to him that the brain injury patients were sometimes impulsive and yelled , which was not a good situation for the dog . He seemed OK with that and thought he was rather lucky to be downstairs when we came in . We also saw someone else from the 3rd floor ( family ) and they wanted to pet Chel also . So we were 15 min late . We got to three and Chelsie gave the nurse coordinator her standard greeting - by scrounging through her trash . The house was pretty full tonight , with only three patients in isolation . Sadly , one of the isolation patients was one of the ones who really enjoyed Chelsie 's visit last week . Thankfully , the curtain was pulled in her room , so hopefully she did not see or hear Chelsie , I know she would have been disappointed . Maybe next week . Upon our arrival , one of the floor nurses told me she thought she had someone who would really like a visit . His name was Bob , and it turns out he has a 2 year old golden retriever named Buddy at home , who hPosted by At the encouragement of a very dear friend of mine , I have created this blog to document our weekly therapy dog visits to Dodd Hall . I might add this particular friend of mine took great joy in reading my Asia blog , especially the enrty about the grouper staring me in the face all through lunch . I should also add she volunteers with one of her dogs in the same capacity as Chelsie and I do - only Keyton is much better at playing up " look how smart and handsome I am " . There is really no arguing with him though , he is a beautiful dog . As many of you know , Chelsie and I are certified as a therapy dog team through Therapy Dogs International , based in NJ . To get certified , Chelsie and I took a class that was not only geared toward the certification test , but toward our therapy visits as well . The class introduced us to wheelchairs , walkers , crutches , loud noises , etc , which has proven to be very valuable . In our work at Dodd Hall , we encounter many of these items . For those of you not familiar with Dodd Hall , it is a nationally renowned rehabilitation center . Patients at Dodd are those patients well enough to be released from acute care hospitals , but not well enough to be home yet . Dodd 3 is where the spinal cord and traumatic brain injury patients are , while Dodd 4 is where the general population is . We volunteer on Dodd 4 , as the brain injury patients can be impulsive and yell at people - not an ideal situation to say the least . Mom is perfectly fine with staying on the 4th floor . From the outside , Dodd does not look like much . However , there is a lot packed in that building . There are several rooms where patients complete rehab during the day , with the main room being on the first floor . There are all the things you would expect to see in such a place , with a few other things as well : 1 ) Kitchen - many people have to re - learn how to do normal every day tasks such as cooking , washing dishes , etc . Rehab specialists oversee this in the full kitchen on Dodd 1 . 2 ) Laundry - another task many patients have to re - learn . Right Posted by
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The following is my autobiograpy . It is divided up into many sections , arranged categorically . It browses over my life : my roots , my memories , my hard times , and my triumphs . Read it to learn a little more about me . I was born on November 27 , 1984 on Pease Air Force Base in Portsmouth , NH . My father was a Master Sargent in the Air Force , and my mother was a stay at home mom . My sister was 13 at the time and was in middle school . As far as I know , my first few years were happy . I base this on photos from our family photo album ( my favorite being of me and a red inflatable car ) . I lived at Pease until 1987 when my father decided to retire . We moved up to Rochester , which is about twenty minutes away . My father worked at Eerie Scientific until he got laid off in the early 90 's . After a period of unemployment , he began working third shift at airplane engine manufacturer Pratt and Whitney . This coincided with my first grades of elementary school and allowed him to spend time with me at school . He used to come in to my first grade class once a week , along with a couple of other parents , and read to us . He also chaperoned a few field trips in grades 1 - 4 . I really liked the fact that he could participate in school with me and that he cared about what I was doing in class . I attended School Street Elementary School in Rochester , NH for grades 1 - 5 , then Rochester Middle School for grades 6 - 8 , and finally Spaulding High School for grades 9 - 12 . I was a solid student in grades 1 - 12 . My grades were usually around the top of my class until High school , where I was still part of the upper tier ( probably the upper 15 % of students ) , but towards the lower end of that tier . School Street School was a place of fond memories from my childhood . It was the smallest elementary school in Rochester , with about 100 students in grades 1 - 6 ( later K - 5 ) . It was an old 3 story building that looked like a milk carton , had a small playground with a dirt field and old equipment , and had a cafeteria in the cellar . Most of the teachers were very good ; friendly , fair , strong role models . My favorite staff at School Street were Mrs . Craigie , the secretary and Librarian who used to read to us every week ; Mrs . Grassie , the teacher 's aid until I was in fourth grade ; and Mrs . Curran , my fourth grade teacher . The end of fifth grade signaled the first school switch that I would experience in my life . I started middle school at Rochester Middle School in 1996 . A new school seemed like a good experience to meet new friends , grow up , and even be a different person if you wanted to . It turned out to be quite a bit less that that . I severely disliked my middle school experience . Why , you may ask ? It is not because I was bullied , beaten , or scarred in any way , it is just that I was bored . The curriculum was just repetition of 4th and 5th grade , there weren 't too many new things to do , and the staff treated students as if they were in elementary school , but expected them to act as if they were in high school . In short , it was basically a waste of time . Ugh … The only fond memories that I really have were from band . I met a lot of my current friends : Josh , Tyler , and Jason in eighth grade , which was a realatively fun year for me , mostly because Josh and I made fun of our English teacher for the entire year . Middle school was where I experienced the infamous Mr . Marks , a 7th grade Math / Science teacher who didn 't ever teach anything . I spent half of the day in his class watching people throw Jello at the wall , run around screaming , and do any other thing that was not classwork . Meanwhile , I was coloring pictures of the human body : the bloodstream and stuff ; it was a waste of time . High school was a different story . A new place where they expected you to act like an adult and treated you like one ( usually ) . There were many new opportunities and many friendly people to hang out with . I made all of my current friends in high school and enjoyed the experience overall . The classes were more challenging , they were actually worth something ( a . k . a getting into college ) , and there were many more things to do . I participated in Band , Drama , Student Council , Newspaper , Yearbook , and Fencing during my four year stay . Spaulding has a reputation for being a rough school with bad teachers , but it 's not . I enjoyed my four years and had many good teahcers there . All in all it was a good experience that shaped who I am today . I started playing the Clarinet in fourth grade . As a third grader , I saw a presentation from the music program that caught my interest . I was amazed by all of the shiny instruments and all of the buttons , so I decided that I would ask my parents if I could join the next year . When fourth grade finally came , my parents enrolled me in the program . I chose to play the clarinet because it had a lot of buttons and I thought that it looked cool . I played clarinet through elementary school , middle school , and into high school , where I joined the SHS Marching Band . The SHS Marching Band was considered " The Best Band in the Land " by many , mostly because of its famously ( and infamously ) powerful and visual half time shows . Marching band was an extremely demanding yet fun experience . Almost all of my close friends ( including Sally ) were in band with me . Band was more than just a group , it was a family and a community , complete with leaders , troublemakers , and all the drama of the best soap operas . Overall it was an awesome experience and had a huge impact on who I am today . My band experience really helped shape my character . It gave me something serious to do , and believe me , band could be pretty serious . The band had 160 members when I joined my freshman year and I met a lot of people . I became a section leader along with my friend Tyler during my sophomore year . I tried out for Drum Major , but I just didn 't have the skills to work in front of a big group of people . I could have worked with them , but I got really nervous in front of them . Plus I was rather opinionated and had a tendency to cause controversy with Ms . Houston , the band director . My controversy was always in the best interest of band members or my section , but I still think it is one of the reasons that I was not picked . When I look back on it , it was really no big deal . As a sophomore , I enrolled in a class called News and Photo . I took it because I wanted to write for the school newspaper , but it turned out to be the class that introduced me to photography . I originally had no interest in the photography part of the course . We had to roll our own film , use manual focused and manual metered cameras to take pictures , and develop and print the film when we were done . I wanted nothing to do with that … until I did it . Once . Developing your own film and making your own prints is amazing . It is an art . I enjoyed taking a picture with the camera and then going into the dark to see what I had done . I soon learned little tricks to make the prints look better and started borrowing photography books from the library . The fact that I got to use an SLR made photography even better for me . They take much better pictures than point and shoot cameras . I liked News and Photo so much that I took it during my junior and senior years as an independent study . During my junior year I was given the opportunity to write for a local newspaper . Each week I wrote an article that updated the city on what was happening at Spaulding . I did this through my senior year as well . I shared my independent study with my friend Steve for the first half of my junior year . We went outside a lot and took pictures of the school 's not so expansive campus and talked about ducks ( joke , Steve knows ) . During my senior year , I shared the darkroom with my friends Josh and Rachel . It was a lot of fun . After high school ended , I was left without a darkroom . Although Mrs . LaChance , my News and Photo teacher , absolutely loved me and would let me use the school 's darkroom over the summer , it was still hard to coordinate it . To remedy this situation , I purchased all of the equipment that I needed for a darkroom at the end of my freshman year . I set it up in my cellar and had fun with it . I do not use it as often as I would like to , but I am trying to use it more often . During my High school career , I tried my best to plan for college . I took 3 years of Honors English and Honors math in the Honors programs . I finished off each program by taking Advanced Placement ( AP ) English and Calculus during my senior year . Advanced Placement courses prepare students to take a test that can count for college credits if passed . I scored a 3 on the AP English exam ( passing , enough so that I didn 't have to take Freshman English at UNH ) and a 5 on the AP Calculus exam ( the highest score you can get ) . I was really proud of my AP Calculus grade . I always had trouble with Math , even though I took hard classes . Getting a 5 was a huge achievement for me . The two AP tests earned me eight credits at UNH , allowing me to take only three classes during my last two semesters ( instead of four ) . Looking back at school , I think that I did pretty well , considering what had been going on in my life between third and eight grade . When I was in third grade , my mother developed a limp in one of her legs . When she went to see the doctor , they were not sure what was wrong . They said it could be due to a few different things , one of them being Multiple Sclerosis . Multiple Sclerosis is a neuromuscular disease that affects a person 's entire life . The effects of MS vary widely , from having a limp to being paralyzed in different parts of the body . My mother went to the hospital several time for tests and CAT scans to figure out what was wrong . After a few weeks , the doctors made a diagnosis . My mom did not have MS . She had ALS , also known as Lou Gehrig 's Disease . ALS is a debilitating disease that attacks the motor neurons of a person 's nervous system . The result is loss of muscle control and muscle atrophy . ALS is much , much worse than any form of MS . A diagnosis of ALS is terminal . Your heart is a muscle and ALS attacks the neurons that control your muscules . A person with ALS will eventually die . Over three years , my family and I watched as my mother 's body died off around her . She started out just needing a cane to help her with the limp in her leg , but that was only sufficient for six months or so . During that time , her speech began to become slurred . It was still understandable , but she had trouble saying a couple of words . I can only imagine how hard that was for her . She was very outspoken and independent and was losing one of the key things that allowed her to be that way . When my mother used a cane , she could still get around on her own . She used to go out to the mall on Saturdays and spend some time by herself shopping . This alone time was important to her and as a child I did not find it odd or out of the ordinary , though I later learned about my mother 's emotional problems and her need for time to herself . When she had the cane , she could still do this . She even came to one of my band performances at school when I was in fourth grade . At the time , I knew something was wrong with my mother , I knew it was ALS , but I did not know what the outcome would be . My parents didn 't tell me . I was living with her ALS without knowing the consequences . That would soon change . After about six months , the cane was not enough to keep my mother walking . We had to buy her a walker . She no longer went out because she didn 't want to be seen in public with her walker , but my dad was able to convince her to allow us to bring her to the mall in her wheelchair . She had lost her alone time , but my dad and I tried our best to allow her the shopping time that she was used to . Her speech was slurred . Many people could not tell what she was saying unless my , my father , or my sister " translated " it for them . This made my mother angry , and for good reason : imagine what it would be like if people couldn 't understand you when you were speaking their native language . At around the same time we bought the walker , visiting nurses began to come over during the week to do physical therapy with her . I was in fourth grade at the time . By that time my mother had quit smoking , which was a good thing because I had always wanted her to , but the reasong was not : her hands could no longer hold the cigarettes long enough to smoke them . When I was in fifth grade , my mother could no longer stay by herself in the house , so we had to have a Nurse 's Aid spend the day with her . Our first Aid was named Nancy . She worked for a company called Interim . As I mentioned before , my mother had emotional problems , lots of them . She didn 't make friends very easily , especially when she was losing her independence . Despite this , she got along with Nancy relatively well . Unfortunately Nancy quit Interim a few weeks after she began visiting us . Just when she was feeling comfortable , my mother had the rug pulled out from under her . The next nurse that we had was named Pam . She was a nice lady , but her and my mother didn 't get along . She started during the summer , so I was home all the time and witnessed the entire thing . By this time it was very difficult for anyone not in my family to understand what my mother was saying . She was wheelchair bound and spent most of her time in her living room chair because she couldn 't get up . Her neck muscules were no longer strong enough to support her head , so it tilted down and to the left . It was so sad to look at her . She was becoming thinner and thinner as time went on , and I knew that something was wrong . The trouble with Pam stemmed from her not being able to understand my Mother 's speech . My mother swore at her , called her a bitch , and screamed about why she couldn 't understand what she was saying . Eventually they got through this and my mother made a friend . She was extremely sad when Pam had to leave a half a year or so later . Our next nurse was a lady named Brenda . My mother had the same kind of trouble with Brenda that she had with Pam , but they eventually became friends . Up until this time I did not know that ALS was fatal . My sister had gotten married and moved out with her husband , but came over often to spend time with my mother because she knew that this would not last forever . I guess they didn 't tell me because they didn 't want to ruin my childhood . I am not mad at them for not telling me because I knew they would have told me before it happened . Unfortunately I didn 't give them that chance . I was in fifth grade at the time and had just learned about some scientific thing in class . While I was in the kitchen I noticed a piece of paper on the bulliten board that looked like it had to do with the subject I had learned about that day in class . I took it off the board and read it over , but it had nothing to do with class . It was an informational sheet about ALS . I was curious and decided to read it through to see if I could find out more about what my mother had . I read that it was a neuromuscular disease , I knew that . I read that it had no cure , I knew that too . Then I saw the words that broke my heart and brought my world down in flames : “… and is terminal within 2 - 5 years … " . I may have been in fifth grade , but I knew that ' terminal ' meant ' dead ' . Tears began pouring out of my eyes so fast that I couldn 't see and my nose filled up to the point where I couldn 't breathe . I was bawling in the kitchen and my father ran out to find me in tears clutching the paper . My mother was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it . My father brought me into the living room and we discussed it together with my mother . I asked her if she was scared to die and she said no . Most of it was a blur to me . She was my best friend in the world . We were alike in so many ways and she was the only one that understood me and my personality completely . I was her miracle baby and she was the greatest mother that anyone could have asked for and she was going to die . She would no longer exist . I would not be able to see her , touch her , or hear her . My world would end . I guess I eventually accepted the fact that my mother would pass , although it is more like I forgot about it when convenient . It is funny how we can go on with our lives when we know that something is imminent . I started sixth grade , my sister got pregnant with her first child , my father and I began improving our rocky relationship in therapy , and Pam came back to Interim and asked if she could work with my mother again . Her and Brenda split shifts during the week . Life went on . My mother 's condition worsened . Her speech was almost unrecognizeable , she weighed 90 pounds , and could only move her right hand barely . But she was still my mother . She still loved me and I still loved her , but the end was nearing . One evening , my mother told my father in a panic that she needed to go to the hospital . Something was wrong . My father called 911 and an ambulance came to pick her up . Her potassium levels were extremely low and the doctors told her that she would die if they didn 't give her potassium through an IV . She knew that the end was nearing and didn 't know if she should go on . I begged her not to die that night , not just for me , but for Christine , who was still at home and didn 't know . My mother decided to take the potassium , which allowed her to live through the night and through the next week . By that time , it was obvious that my mother was going to die . She could no longer speak ; we had to communicate via closing eylids - once was yes , twice was no . A nurse came on Friday and told us that she was holding on for us . We needed to tell her that it was ok to die , that we woudld be ok without her . That was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life . How can a 12 year old tell his mother that she can die and leave him alone ? How can a daughter tell her mother that it is ok to pass away when her grandson is going to be born in a month ? How can you tell your wife of over 30 years that she can just die and leave you alone ? You can 't , unless you lie . And lie we did . I lied through my teeth and told her that it was ok , that I would be fine , while inside I was dying . After my family told my mother not to hold out anymore , things went eerily back to normal for the rest of the day . Evening came and I was in my room building a space ship out of legos . I went out to the living room to show my mother as I always did and explained all of the details to her . She was delighted , as always , even in her current state . When it came time for bed , I kissed my mother on the cheek as I did every night and she said to me : " Jason , don 't worry about me , I 'll be fine . Enjoy your trip tomorrow . " She was referring to the end of the year band trip to Canobie lake that I would be taking on Saturday . I believed her and went to bed , begging God not to take her and to make her better , as I had done every night since I was in third grade . That was the last time I spoke to her . I awoke at 3 AM to the high pitched whines of my father , who had stayed in the living room next to her bed with her all night . She had passed in the early morning , once she was sure that all of her loose ends had been tied up . According to my father , he stayed up with her until the early morning just talking . She told him that she loved him , which she had not said in years and they held hands all night . My father drifted off to sleep and when he woke up , my mother had passed away . It was June 14 , 1997 . My nephew was born on July 5 . I was devastated by my mother 's death ; she was my best friend in the world . My father and I did not have much of a relationship . I was afraid of him and he did not understand my emotional personality . We went to weekly therapy sessions for this and our relationship improved . For the next six years we learned from each other and he molded me into the strong person that I am today . My father is the role model for how I live my life . We are very close and can talk about anything . My father began dating a couple of years after my mother passed away . At first , he didn 't tell us about his girlfriend , but after a few months my sister and I figured it out and brought up the subject . He was having a long distance phone relationship with a woman named Schawnte . She is a very nice and caring person and is fun to be around . He is really lucky to have her . They got married in October of 2003 and my father moved to Texas to live with her . We still speak often via telephone and visit each other whenever we can . As for my love life , I started dating my first girlfriend , Meredith , in eighth grade . We flirted all the time , so I asked her out duing an overnight trip for school . She said " I guess so " , and we were hitched . We stayed together for 11 months , until the middle of the second semester of ninth grade . We had begun to lose interest in each other at the 9 month mark , and our relationship sort of trailed off from there . I didn 't want to go past our one year anniversary if I had lost interest , so I broke up with her . I felt bad about it , but decided that it was the best decision . I started dating Kristen three days later . She was a junior ( remember , I was a freshman at this time ) and she was a lot of fun . We dated for three months until she broke up with me at her PROM , when she decided that her feelings had changed . She now has a child of her own . After the embarassment of being dumped at the prom , I had a week long rebound relationship with a girl named Amanda . Amanda played the flute in Marching Band and we started dating during Pre Band Camp ( keep the " one time at bandcamp " jokes to yourself ) . The relationship ended because Amanda was going to be gone all summer and I didn 't want to be held back . This left me free going into summer vacation . I started dating my wife Sally during the band 's end of the year trip to California . She ended up cheating on her boyfriend at the time ( who treated her like crap ) and broke up with him when we got back from the trip . We have been officially dating since July 4 , 2000 , which amounts to about ten years at this point . I proposed to her on October 3 , 2005 . We got married on October 4 , 2008 . She is the love of my life . We work so well together and have a very deep and meaningful relationship . When it came time to choose a college , I stayed local and decided to go to the University of New Hampshire . It was actually the only college that I applied to . I decided that I didn 't want to go any further away because I didn 't want to be away from Sally . UNH had a good Computer Science program and it was close - that was all I needed . I applied for early admission and got in . My AP credits allowed me to skip English and one of my require math courses . I graduated High School in 2003 and started college in the fall . I lived off - campus with Sally in a house in Dover that we rented from her grandparents . It was a one bedroom , one bathroom , but it was enough for us . I started working on campus for what amounted to a traveling tech support team , but the hours were variable and it only paid $ 10 an hour . I needed more in order to afford to pay my portion of our rent and bills . Luckily I found a job at Research Computing Center - an on campus support company for a building full of research professors . I stared as an operator , doing whatever was needed to help out the professors : fixing printers , installing software , troubleshooting email , you name it . I stayed at RCC through my entire college career and learned a ton . I graduated in May of 2007 . It was raining and our commencement speakers were George Bush Senior and Bill Clinton . It was very interesting to hear what they had to say , especially knowing what was going on at the time . Sally and I own several pets , including our two Miniature Dachshunds , Hannah and Holly . Sally had always wanted her own dog . When she was a junior she had the chance to get one . A man in Milton was giving away a nine month old Miniature Dachshund named Hannah . Sally quickly snatched her up . She was a cute little dog and peed all over the kitchen floor when I first met her . She loves to dig holes outside and can ruin a front yard in a day . She also loves to rip the crap out of dog toys . Witin an hour she has the heads ripped off and the stuffing out , making sure to save just enough to cover the floor with three months later when it suits her . About a year after Sally adopted Hannah , she had another opportunity to adopt . A woman in Milton was giving away a two year old long - haired Dachshund named Holly . Sally took that opportunity as well and adopted her . Holly liked a lot of attention and made Hannah very jelous and anti - social . It took Hannah about four months to really get used to her . During that time she became more aggressive and preferred to rip up toys over being near Holly , who was always around Sally . Holly does not like to play , instead she likes attention , lots of it . She will roll on her belly and moan when she wants you to rub her . She will occasionally pick up one of Hanna 's toys and toss it around , but won 't touch it for more that five minutes . In the winter she likes to dig tunnels in the snow . I don 't know what it does for her , but it is the closest thing to playing that she does . The girls ( as we like to refer to them ) are like our children . They play , they learn , they comfort , and they even pout . They sleep in our bed with us ( taking up nearly 50 % of of the available space ) and add a lot of fun to our lives . They can be loud and annoying , needy and in the way , but we love them just the same and I can 't imagine life without them . Once college ended , I had to enter the ' real ' world . Truth of the matter is that I had been living in the real world the entire time I was in college . I lived off campus , had to pay my bills , heat my home , feed and clothe myself , and fill my car with gas . Even with Sally to help it was not easy . We struggled . The ' real ' world was like a vacation compared to college . As I neared graduation , I started looking at the jobs that were available for a Computer Science major . Most of them involved working for companies that contracted to the military making software that flew aircraft , directed missiles , etc . Not really what I was interested . Luckily I saw a posting for Liberty Mutual in the career center in November and setup an interview . The company sounded pretty good ( I didn 't even know they had programmers there ) , it paid well , it was close , and it wasn 't a military contractor so I applied for a job . By January they made me an official offer and I took it . It was January and I had a real job ! I was so happy to have that out of my way . I 've been working at Liberty ever since and its been really good . I 've worked in five different departments and been promoted four times already . I work in the Dover office , which is five minutes from my house , so I can 't really complain . Even after I got a job and started making more money , Sally and I still lived in the one bedroom house that we had in college . We had to save up for our wedding the next year and needed to save our money . That started to change as the wedding came closer . Our house was simply getting too small . We had a bunch of pets and a bunch of stuff and needed more room . Our kitchen was too small and the house was starting to fall apart . We originally just wanted to rent a bigger place , but we had trouble finding somewhere that allowed dogs , had a yard , and didn 't cost as much as a mortgage . What we needed was a house . So we bought one . We did research online and put together a list of candidates . There was one house that looked perfect but it cost too much money . We went to the Masiello group office in Dover to meet with a real estate agent . By chance , we met with Charlie Jedicke and it was a perfect match . He asked us what we were looking for and found some possible candidates . We looked at some places but nothing really fit us . We checked the listings again and lo and behold the place that we had found earlier that was too expensive had dropped in price - right into our range ! We toured the house a few days later and fell in love . It was huge , had a ton of recent renovations , was in a great location , and was in a wonderful neighborhood . After some heated negotiations , the sellers accepted our offer and three months later we were moving in . We were so happy ! We moved in four days before our wedding , which I wouldn 't recommend , but it was worth it ! It 's been a year and a half and we 've finally made it our home . We painted all of the rooms ( we went with bold colors - our living room is orange ) , replaced the carpet in the dining room with hard wood , added a deck and new landings , planted grass , put new doors and trim in the living room , and just put in a beautiful new front door ! We love our neighborhood and have the best neighbors that you could ever ask for . Sally and I are living in our house in Dover with our two dogs and two cats . We both work at Liberty Mutual - I work in Dover and Sally works in Portsmouth . She has recently been testing out a ton of cupcake recipes and recently held her first " Cupcake Party " . I recently purchased a new camera and became more serious about my photography .
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If you 're reading this , you are at my old website . Maybe you are used to getting here from your browser or if you type in the first few letters of awalkingcarnival . com , this is what pops up , which means you need to clear your browser or reset it . If you don 't know how to do that , go to this link : https : / / kb . iu . edu / data / ahic . html and it 'll show you how to do it . Then try typing awalkingcarnival . com again . Hopefully that will work ! Come on , there 's a huge party going on and you 're missing it ! But I 'm used to my routes and routines , and mostly I jog the treadmill without looking up . I imagine if I was in Kaslakistan or the Piazza de la Paletana that everything would be noticeable , even the toothpaste tubes and milk cartons . Obviously I can 't do this for too long without feeling delusional , but it 's a fun exercise to force myself to pay attention . Maybe if I think of having a quandary like being in a particular place I 've never visited , it won 't seem so overwhelming and difficult and defining ; it 'll just be a small and unusual town to pass through . hopping on one foot . Blood was pouring out in streams above his ankle . He hit a rock on the way in , Miles said . He seemed more upset than horn for Geoff to hurry . We all turned to watch him standing on the bridge . Lifting one knee high , he jumped , and with a slow graceful turn , he raised his hand to salute us on the way down . I feel I have to say it that way . It feels more serious , though it sounds less certain , like maybe I don 't know what I am saying . But the truth is it pains me that I love you so much , how thoughtful you are , how quiet , how kind , how much sadness you carry , even when you are battling bad guys . You don 't like to be vulnerable , but you are , and you make me feel the same . P . S . Read more about this photographer here . I must have had an intuition that he was French because I wrote this letter before finding out who took the photos . PPS Here is a link to my new site . It should be up and running SOON , we just have a few more details , but I wanted you to see it because my friend Jules is a computer genius and designer and it looks amazing . More soon I don 't know where to start : with the 100 people - long line at the DMV , the little boy on the fence in the middle of an abandoned block , or the dead body in the street . I 'll start with the line , the one that wrapped around the side of the building and down past the parking lot . How do people stand in lines ? How do we do this ? Especially when there 's nothing great at the end of it . When we were kids we were incapable of waiting . We poked and pinched each other , made faces , stomped our feet , giggled , sang , threw our heads back and moaned openly . Now we wait all the time but the restlessness is interior , or else we 've given up . It 's a little of both for me . I am paying for a ticket for my boss , so technically I 'm getting paid to stand in line , but that doesn 't mean I can tolerate it . In my mind I do all of those things I did as a child , and then the adult versions of those things , which is to think debilitating and crippling thoughts , then filthy , then just plain wrong , mouthhandsfacestomachlegsgrocerylistpeebellybuttonmedicaltestdaughterscrying When I got to the front of the line I was told I needed to go to another DMV . She handed me a post - it size of paper with the address so she wouldn 't have to explain it to me . Next ! I 'm not going to go through the whole day . You get the idea . I know I 've told a version of this story before . But by the time I was sent to a 4th building , I was barely human , I could still move , still see and hear but I was in shark mode , or rather sea bass , just a blank staring mindless creature in motion . I was driving in the ghetto , under the overpass , a place pretty much abandoned except for a few little crack houses and ( evidently ) the California Highway Patrol office . Everything was grey , even the few homeless people sleeping on the sidewalk . But then I turned ( Siri , in her gentle , maddening voice said : Turn right on Union Street ) and all of a sudden it was like I was in Oz . Every house was a different color : purple , orange , light blue , yellow , pink . The street was like an abandoned movie set . Bouganvilleas hung over fences , little stores had hand - painted signs . I sat up , I looked , I noticed . There wasn 't a single person around , but up ahead I saw a tiny little face peeking over the fence . He was staring right at me ! He was about 5 or 6 and had black curly hair . I stared right back and then raised my eyebrows twice . He did the same . I made a face . He did the same . We both smiled at each other , lifted shoulders , crinkled eyes , and then his head disappeared in a flash and I saw a man in a white undershirt yelling at him in a tumbletwirl of Spanish . There was a pause and the boy slowly lifted his head up again and looked right at me and waved , still smiling big . Good Bye ! Adios ! I love you muchacho . I wanted to grab my phone so I could take a photo , but by the time I found it , he had disappeared again . Instead I took a photo of the little bakery across the street . I had to ! This all happened in less than a minute ; but my day was changed . I felt energized , I felt hungry , I felt light . I still had to go through some more rigamarole with the Highway Patrol but whatev ! no big ! I was almost done . I had an exchange , a connection , I felt like a person again . Once I got there , I waited in the parking lot for my boss who had to come meet me . I opened the car door so I could feel the air and sun all at once . I answered some emails . I wrote some notes to myself . I thought about the person I wanted to think about . Josh arrived about 10 minutes later . I don 't know if I told this story right . I left out a lot of little details . I left out the list of things I want and don 't have . Maybe I should have started with the dead body . Or how I wonder about death . When we say things can go from this to that in a second , that 's what we are usually talking about . But really , life and the opposite of life are going on at the same time , it 's just our focus that shifts . I wonder if I find this photo in a couple of years , which side of the street I will remember first . The habit of shortening words falls into the category of things that you do every day that make your head explode when other people do them . I say fam . I say nabe . I say b . t . dubs ( which is doubly inflammatory because it 's an acronym ) . I say peen ; vag . Somehow these versions seem more friendly , more comfortable ; the way you might speak if you 're in a board meeting or giving a diagnosis and you want to put your audience / patient at ease . " You 're gonna need some antibiotics for that wart on your peen ; here 's a perscrip . " Totes . I instantly hate someone who says amazeballs . I don 't know why that is . I like the word amazing ; love the word balls , but the two together set me off . The word can be halfway out of a person 's mouth and I think : done . It 's harsh , I know . But probably not harsh enough . I wouldn 't mind if just one person said it : the first person who made it up 4 years ago . I might have thought : Calm down , Gomer Pyle , it 's not that exciting ; but it wouldn 't have irritated me in the same way . There 's something about it that seems disingenuous . Ann Finley used to have cocktails every day at five o ' clock . She was a slave that way . The clock clicked from 4 : 59 after the second hand curved past the 12 , and she 'd put down the spoon , the book , the rake , always with precision , always with intention , rub her hands across each other and walk to the cabinet . First she 'd get a glass , then she 'd reach into the freezer for the ice tray . Sometimes it was frosted and she had to run it under water , but hardly ever . She 'd drop a few cubes into the glass , clink , clink , and then she reached for the bottle . There was nothing sad or Oh , my life , how empty , I 'm an alcoholic . None of that . No . It was always : Yes , yes , let 's have a party . Fantastic ! She loved the sound of ice in the glass once it had bourbon in it . It sounded so festive . It was musical . She 'd walk out onto the porch with her packet of Salems , and ease herself into a chair , then she 'd cross her legs and have a refreshing sip . One particular day , she could see into the Humphries yard . It was just smooth grass divided into two parts by a cement walkway . Will Humphrey sat out there with a box of cars . He was seven . His hair was shaved short , so you could see his smooth skin , and he had dark eyes with long lashes . He sat there shirtless , and Mrs . Finley watched his back , the small muscles in his shoulders , the way his fingers held onto the cars . Something in the way his mouth was set , his lips pursed , reminded her of Ben Westin . Ben was one of the first people in Ann 's town to have a car . She remembered how he 'd have to run along side of it to get it going , the front door open , one hand on the steering wheel ; how the weight resisted at first , how he pushed with his head down like an ox and then , as it picked up speed , he 'd jog and then jump in , clicking the door and grabbing the wheel with both hands . Everyone cheered . Ben . Will 's voice was high and purposeful : " Calling all cars . Calling all cars . There 's a 6 - 4 in the mayday at Broad and South . That 's a 3 - 1 - 8 officer . Wooooo - Oooooo - Woooooo - Wooooooo . Coming through ! " Ben drove Ann and her two sisters home from a church dance one night . She sat in the back by herself , she was the youngest ; everyone else sat in the front , breathless and laughing . Ben adjusted the rear view mirror and they caught each other 's eyes . The whole way home , he 'd look back from time to time , gently holding her gaze . Will dropped one of the cars he had been holding and slapped the back of his upper arm ; he tried to look at his back shoulder but he couldn 't see , so he inspected his hand instead . He really studied it , then he wiped his hand on the grass and picked the little car back up . " I said , Step back , people , step back . I have full authority " . Earlier at the church , Ann sat in a chair against the wall watching her sisters dancing . She was 14 . She wanted to dance , but no one had asked her , and she was too shy to act like she didn 't care . She watched her sisters holding onto each other and laughing with their mouths open . " Can I sit here ? " Ben asked her . Ann smiled and nodded . He sat and they both watched her sisters together . She noticed he was looking down at his shoes . " Why are you wearing your uniform ? " Mrs . Finley took another sip of her drink . A breeze passed through the leaves in the tree in her neighbor 's yard , and for an instant a spotlight of sun seemed to shine on Will . She noticed peach fuzz on the back of his neck , how it spread up the side of his cheek . " Oh Will , " she called . He looked up at her and squinted . " That light , it 's just like Tuscany . It 's positively glorious " . There 's no crying in baseball . Everybody knows that . There 's no crying in baseball unless you live in the same neighborhood as the stadium , and a drive down the street that normally takes less than a minute suddenly turns into a never - ending journey filled with pain , remorse , and sorrow . By the time I see the guy directing traffic , I am fully ready to commit a medieval violent act . This guy . What good is he ? How dare he try to be authoritative right now . He 's wearing shorts ! I glare at him for so long that I get exhausted . Now I feel bad . He 's not even a cop , really . He probably teaches woodworking at a magnet school in Simi Valley . He 's doing this because he loves baseball . He probably gets a season pass in exchange for trying to maintain order in the middle of utter chaos . He is serious with his hand signals though . He is not messing around with his hand - signals and his facial expressions . Bless him . Now I feel bad . I can 't help myself . I 'm not a good person . Even though I feel for this guy , I try to sneak between the cones into a completely empty lane . I can see him in my rear view mirror . He is smiling ! He is chuckling , that devil . Look at him . I love baseball again , I love the fam in Dodger blue , I love the granny , I love the traffic , I love everyone , I love the stadium and the green grass and the red and yellow seats , I love the cheering and the fireworks that I can see from my window , but most of all I love this guy for recognizing futility when the circumstances are asking for it . There 's no crying in baseball . And there 's no crying in bad traffic . Amen . After a job trading bonds went bad , Brandon Stanton moved to NY and started taking portraits of people out in the street , as a hobby . Then he started printing their stories as well . I posted his blog a few years ago , and since then he has published a book of his photos . Each story is just a paragraph really , but so full and heartfelt and defining . This one below stuck with me all day . " My dad lived in Newark , so he 'd pick me up on the weekends and I 'd go stay with him . But since he didn 't really get along with my mom , he 'd never come over to the house . Whenever his train arrived , he 'd just call and I 'd go to the station to meet him . But one weekend he was three hours late . I tried to call his phone but he didn 't pick up , so I assumed he wasn 't coming and left to see a movie with my friends . I guess his train showed up a few minutes later . Because my mom said he called as soon as I left . When I finally got in touch with him , we got in a big fight . He was mad that I 'd gone to see the movie . He said I didn 't care about him or love him . That was on Saturday . Late Sunday night , I got up to go the bathroom , and found my stepdad and mom crying in the kitchen . They couldn 't even tell me he 'd been murdered . They just said that ' something happened to someone in Jersey . ' I asked if it was my aunt . Then my cousins . Then my grandma . And my mom just kept shaking her head . I went down the entire list of people in Jersey before getting to my dad . And with each name I said , I got more and more scared , cause I knew what had happened . " INT . Two people ( FATHER and DAUGHTER ) seated at table . They are the only customers . They do not have menus . The Daughter looks at the walls that are filled with portraits of dogs and photos of celebrities that no one 's ever heard of , and describes them to her Father . This song is playing . Father and Daughter look up . Waitress with long black braid walks from the back to their table . A man with a huge purple birthmark across the lower half of his face stands in the doorway smiling . Daughter leans forward and says , Okay , here we go . Okay , I thought if I walked into this scene from a different angle that I might be able to figure it out . I mean there 's a weird thing that happens sometimes , especially when you 're with a person you 've known for a long time , through various stages of your life , which is that you are always three , maybe more , people at once . Then , in the remembering of the scene , and the telling of it , you are another person , embellishing or creating certain details for emphasis . I guess this happens all the time , all day , every day really , even with people you don 't know very well . But I think that it gets multiplied by 1000 when you 're with your parent . With them you also have unspoken conversations about heavier topics that you touch on and then move away from : perspective , relationships , getting old , dying . None of it is mentioned usually , but it 's there . If you don 't have parents , or if you don 't see them often , it probably comes up with those you are closest to . Or it will eventually . That 's what I wanted to get at , that , and the way that nothing that 's ever happened in a David Lynch movie , not the little person who speaks backwards , or the ear found on a sidewalk , or the policeman who weeps at a crime scene , is stranger or more perplexing . When I drive up the driveway I can see my Dad by the pool walking slowly with his hands behind his back . This is how men walk after they reach a certain age ; it 's also how philosophers walk , and prisoners . I 'm sure there are other things those three types have in common , but I think that walk heads the list . Toot toot , I beep the horn . He takes a wide U like a speed boat except not like a speed boat at all because he 's going really slow and looking down . When he gets to the car , he bends down to talk through the window . " It 's that place that has healthy food " . I then list off most of the items on the 5 page menu , pausing , at moments here and there , for the dings to have their full effect . I look over at him from time to time feeling pretty proud of myself . He may be ready to break . But then he doesn 't say anything . He is considering : Hmmm ( ding . . . ding . . . ding ) and then considering some more : Well , ( ding . . . ding . . ding ) , and again : Ah ( ding . . . ding . . . ding . . . ding . . . ding . . . ding ) and then . . . I have to pull over and put the car in park - - Topanga is a canyon you drive through to get the beach . It 's an old hippie town with hillside farms and huge shady trees and the same exact cafes and corner stores that have been there since the 50s . Parts of it can seem like a tiny French village or a town from the Wild West or a David Lynch location . It 's beautiful and has always been my favorite part of LA because it doesn 't feel like LA . As we get just about past the Topanga Boulevard , I decide at the last minute to turn . We drive up the long curvy hill that my Dad used to speed up in a sports car when we were kids , sometimes as many as 5 of us in the back seat . He would go fast enough that we 'd slide into each other to the left and then all the way back to the right . I drive up the hill slowly , past the strawberry stand , past the little creek and just before the Flying Pig . We pull into Pat 's , a diner that serves pancakes , burgers and vegan tuna fish . No one is there , but we seat ourselves at a table and wait . We can hear people having an argument in the back ; it 's not heated in a dangerous way , but heated nonetheless , like they have been having this particular argument a long time . Finally a woman with a long braid walks in . Behind her a big guy lurks in the door way ; he has a huge red / purple birthmark across the lower part of his face and bulging eyes , one of which looks to the right . He 's wearing an apron and smiles at us . My Dad has a cell phone but it might as well be a shoe horn or a banana . He turns it off when he 's not using it and there is nothing you can say , nothing , to stop him from doing this . He powers off . He loves powering off . He loves it so much he says it out loud to himself under his breath every time he does it . After a long pause he says , " Yeah , okay " . He says it like he 'll have to settle for that . " Sushi . Okay . That 's fine " . And then , before I have a chance to figure out the time and the day , he says " See ya later . Love you " . I like your style . Did you resort to this after 100 phone - calls / letters / texts went unanswered ? Or did you , right after you wronged Justine and in a moment of clarity , go straight to the spray paint store , buy a couple of cans and do what had to be done . Did you know how many of us would slow down when we saw this , maybe even circle back just to look at it again ? Or say out loud , Oh , there 's another one , and then think about you , and her , and what happened ? Did you know that some of us would even think about all the times we should have said that but didn 't ? How a simple thing can be so difficult ? Did you know we would wonder about your character , weigh the wrong against right , and hope that Justine , whenever she sees this , will forgive you . Would you like to know the truth ? This is what I was thinking when the receptionist tilted her head at me and asked : How ya 'll doin today ? Instead I said , " We all 's fine " , not sure if that was rude , but not too concerned about it . She told me the doctor would see me in just a minute . I eased myself into a chair . I looked over at her . She smiled in my direction and went back to her business . Southerners : slavery , red necks , lynch mobs , big porches , sweet tea , plantations , strong women , weak men , slow conversation , William Faulkner , Flannery O ' Connor . . . Oh , y ' all , how do you do it ? How do you stay polite and righteous ? How do you stay strong but seem weak ? Which one is the facade and which one the core ? I stared at her and drummed my fingers . She shook her head at me . You can always count on their humor though . I liked that . I could have fallen in love with her just for that . Even with the accent . I watched her looking at her book , still shaking her head at me , still smiling . She looked up at me , " You doing all right ? " I didn 't want to go into it . I liked her but that didn 't mean I wanted to talk to her . I looked at her sitting at the desk . I thought about sliding my hands up her skirt , one hand on the outside of each leg ; my fingers over skin , under elastic . She glanced at me from the side of her eyes . I sighed . She laughed . After a while , she said , " You know what I did this morning ? I don 't why I 'm telling you this , it 's silly really , but . . . I took my son 's turtles to the park and let them go in the pond . My son had three turtles . They were too big to be in the tank . They needed to get out . We got them a few years ago - - " I looked at her mouth while she talked . I looked at her ankles and her legs , the curve of her hip , her breasts , her neck , the line of her jaw , and back to her mouth again . It was a shame about the talking , the question mark at the end of each sentence , the lilt - n - twang . Women : small , vulnerable , curve , ass , boobs , pussy , wet - - - - talking . On and on . Forever on and on . Even the ones that barely speak . Even the great ones . They 've still got to explain . I sometimes think they 'd be a lot better off with a piece of duct tape across the mouth area . The phone rang and she held up a finger and swished past me . Gone : old , sick , past , finished , over , dying , dead , forgotten . It is always such a burden to love someone . I listened to her voice . There were definitely worse things to hear . " No it 's not , sir , no problem " , she was talking into the phone but she was looking at me , smiling . I was in the goddam doctor 's office and she was looking at me like that . I had no idea about anything . All I knew for sure was that I didn 't have a clue about a single thing , and then she said , " It 's not a burden at all , really " . Really . I watched her hang up the phone and lift her chin to look at me ; I thought : I 'm done . In every possible way , I 'm done . Sometimes it is an effort to look into another person 's eyes while I am talking to them . Not that I don 't care about communicating . Not that I don 't mean what I say . But it 's just physically difficult . It 's like the part of my brain that controls getting the words out and the part of my brain that 's in charge of me connecting with someone are in two separate rooms . Maybe that 's true of everyone . I can always look at the person 's eyes after I 'm finished talking , I can check in and connect then ; but otherwise there 's just too much going on . Sometimes , when there is a conversation going on beneath the one you 're having , it is amazing and wonderful and exciting . Other times it is like an exhausting work - out . You never really know which one it 's going to be until it happens . Walt picked up the tiny metal wheelbarrow he had just stepped on , and dropped it onto the middle of the game board . Uncle Walt , who wasn 't wearing a shirt or shoes , whose jeans were unbuttoned , whose hair was long and uncombed , had been back from Vietnam for a month . He was staying with us for the summer or until he , as my mom put it , got his head together . " You 're the shoe now , you can 't switch , " Henry said and he held out his hand . He placed it next to his neatly stacked pile of money and pushed his glasses up with one finger . I picked up my cup and stood . " You can 't leave , " Henry said . In the kitchen Walt had his back to me . He was pouring coffee into a cup and some spilled . He put the pot down and held his hands out straight and flat ; they trembled . He stood there , his head still hanging . I put the cup next to him on the counter . He eyed it and stood up straight , took a sip of his coffee and turned to face me . " What are you doing today ? " I asked him , finally . He shook his head at me . He didn 't want to talk . I picked up the cup and wiggled it , " Can I get some juice ? " He started to smile . It was like watching a curtain being pulled up and the sun shining through . He put his hand on the side of my face and rubbed his thumb across my cheek . This is not about what you think it 's about . It almost never is . Sometimes you look at a person , place or thing and you think you recognize something familiar , or that you understand it , but you really don 't . You listen to a person speak and you think " I know him / her " but then as you get closer to them , maybe even after years and years of fairly intimate contact , you think who the hell are you ? And what are you doing in my house ? On the other hand , sometimes you look at them and think you can see through them to their core , you think , " I understand why you did that stupid thing even though you don 't " , or " I know you better than you know yourself " . But , almost 100 % of the time , you are wrong . When I used to visit L . A . over 16 years ago , I used to see this guy , shirtless and in golf shorts , walking top - speed around Silverlake . I thought he seemed like a maniac , like a weird , possibly schizophrenic , guy who had nothing better to do with his time . It was because of the way he walked that I thought this . He plowed . It would have been hard to keep up with him if I was jogging , and he had that weird lilt that happens when you walk fast . On top of that , he read the newspaper , always folded into quarters , always held at arms length ; not just glancing either , this guy was riveted . If you could only see his face you would have thought he was lounging in a chair at the library , fully absorbed in some fantastic story . He was around every day . Sometimes you 'd see him at 10 am plowing down Hyperion , and then at 2pm there he 'd be plowing up Sunset . Sometimes you 'd see him plowing around the reservoir and then plowing some more down Micheltorena . " Toot Toot Comin Through ! Full speed ahead ! " He did this every day , rain or shine , 100 degrees or 50 . There he was . When I moved here 10 years ago , I saw him again . Still going strong . Still plowing . I found out from someone that he was actually a doctor . That he still saw patients . That he was a nice guy . Not weird at all . For years after I continued to see him . At dawn . At dusk . Going to work and school . Coming home from the grocery store . I wondered when he had time to see patients ; I wondered who his patients were , and whether he put a shirt on when he gave them a check up , or if he just wore a white lab coat over his shorts . I had finally gotten used to this guy 's type of strange , I may have even waved once or twice at a red light , when last year he was found dead in his hot tub . After they investigated , they determined it was a suicide . He had taken some pills , gone into the hot tub , and pulled the doors closed . It 's weird how all this time that he was walking , seeing patients , having a local artist paint a mural of him on the main street in Silverlake , getting interviewed in magazines , no one knew where he was headed . Walter 's camera shop . That 's what I wanted to write about . I 'm not going to tell you he was some kind of magical person who told me the meaning of life . He did not . That 's really a photo of him up above . He 's a big guy , like I said , gruff , with fingers like cigar stubs . He came out from behind the piles of crap holding my camera . But he didn 't say anything right away . I started talking . He explained it to me . The whole problem . He showed me the part , the size of an eyelash , that was damaged ; explained how he tried working it with a different lens ; told me how Nikon was going under , like Kodak did . He told me why . We talked about different photographers and the ones he liked and the ones who were just so - so . There was nothing he didn 't know about cameras or photography . Um . ( I was afraid . I was thinking Middle East but worried that if I guessed wrong , that I might offend him and he 'd choke me out in 3 seconds ) Israel ? He told me about Egypt . He said he knew everything about his country including the exact day that Anwar Sadat would be assassinated . He said he went to Las Vegas the day before to place a bet on it but no one would let him . " They thought I was crazy . " He shrugged , that 's good . What you need to do is write a letter . You can 't be nice . You have to demand that they fix it . He told me the exact wording and went over it twice . We shook hands and I told him my name . He said I 'm glad I met you . This made my week ! I turned to walk out the door which he had to buzz to let me out . He looked at me and said : Write that letter . Demand ! And don 't be sweet like you are . If you 're going to get gold caps on your teeth , you have to first get them filed into V shapes so the cap can slide on and fit properly . I know this because of Angel who lives across the street . He used to have caps on his top four front teeth , but had to sell them . I don 't know when things started going down hill for him , but last year around this time he was taken away in the back of a police van because he was being belligerent , knocking on people 's doors , telling them they were being watched and that they 'd better be careful . He screamed when they took him . He yelled , " I 'm just trying to help " and " They 're going to get them " and " It 's on the roof " . When he came back , he had gained about a hundred pounds and a thousand yard stare . Now he just sits outside drinking beer all day and watches the neighborhood , his head tilted to the side , his shirt barely covering his stomach . I think about him because he is always there in front of his house or walking up the street from Bob 's corner store swinging his black plastic bag with two 40s clinking . I think about him because he knows my name , even though we were never introduced , and occasionally calls out to me from across the street . I used to think it was creepy and weird and I wouldn 't turn or wave . I 'd just walk into my house with my head down , feigning distraction . But then I started thinking about his name and how he 's always there , and how , like me , he 's a champion time - waster and people - watcher ; and I thought , if I do , in fact , have a guardian , then , at least while I 'm living in east LA , of course this is what he would look like . At the last minute I decided to go with my friend Rachel to a yoga meditation workshop . It seemed like the right thing to do . She was telling me about it on the phone , explaining why she wouldn 't be able to get together and I heard my voice say , I think I need to go to that . I think I need to do something to help me feel better about everything , to help me relax and breathe and feel enlightened . She told me there would be chanting and singing . I said that 's perfect because I chant and sing all the motherfucking time . She said to wear white and bring a scarf . She said I might cry . I said , Fantastic ! I might even end up on the floor weeping in a fetal position . She said that 's good , that 's great , that 's a beautiful thing . It was set . There 's a weird thing that happens after a traumatic event , say a car accident or the end of a relationship or a death . You keep going . You don 't really feel the full impact until a little time has passed . It 's like Wile E . Coyote in the roadrunner cartoon . You know where the roadrunner hands him a ticking time bomb that explodes in his face , causing the rock on the mountain where he is standing to dislodge and fall 500 feet into the middle of an empty highway , where a 16 wheeler going 80 mph appears out of no where and hits him head - on . The coyote gets up , walks about 10 paces and shatters into dust . Rachel met me outside and brought me into a huge room with about 100 people spread out on the floor on their mats . She said I didn 't have to do anything I didn 't want to ; she said I could sit on my mat and eat a sandwich if I felt like it ; she said it was okay if I didn 't know all the poses ; I could just follow everyone else . If I wanted to just lay down , I could lay down . In the front of the room there was a stage with a few instruments and audio gear , and a woman dressed all in white sitting on a mat . She wore a Janet Jackson style head - gear - microphone and sat looking out at all of us . " Okay everyone find your place " , her voice was so peaceful and melodic and beautiful that it gave her words a deeper meaning . ( I 'm going to find my place ! . . . Thank you ! . . . I love you ! ) I looked at her and waited for guidance . I wanted to hear her voice again . I wanted her to tell me what to do . She stood up and looked out at every one and said , " Shut " then she took a pause where she scanned the entire audience with just her eyes , " UP " . It 's important to note that she didn 't say shut - up like one word , like in a blurt of exasperation , but rather shut ( long pause ) up , like she wanted to make sure you heard the unspoken words in your head . The fuck . " Shut the fuck up . " I heard it ! I looked around at the others , some of them smiling , some of them quickly getting to their mats . " Just shut ( pause ) up , and let 's get this thing started " . I couldn 't believe it . Shut THE FUCK up ! These were my PEOPLE ! This was my PLACE ! Right here in Santa Monica , California where everyone was wearing white and trying to align their chakras . What ? I looked at Rachel who smiled and raised her eyebrows twice . I almost started crying . I was just about to say that sometimes I 'll find myself in a place I wouldn 't have ever imagined , a teacher - training yoga workshop , a buddhist gathering , a stage in Las Vegas giving a lap dance in front of 300 people , Los Angeles , and think this is either bizarrely uncomfortable or completely fantastic ; but then I realize I can say that about every day of my life . There are always both of those things together : awkward and graceful , traumatic and uplifting , good and bad . Always . I know this by heart . If something awful has happened , I always know it means something great is coming . The woman on the stage with the headset ( Miss Jackson if you 're nasty ) told stories about things she had learned from her guru , and then someone would sing , and then we 'd chant , and then do some breathing / stretching pose , and while I made a good effort to pay attention , and could even recall some of the things she talked about , I ended up doing what I always do when I 'm supposed to be learning and improving myself , I think about sex . I think about kissing this guy I have a crush on . About how it feels like that 's all it would to make everything amazing and perfect . About how it could be that simple . I think of us talking ; I think of us laughing . I think of us doing all kinds of things together . Then I have to stop pretending to listen to the teacher , or trying to do yoga poses , or singing along to the gentle music , and I just lie down and carry on in my own world , grateful for all the good I have in my life , aligning my chakras , manifesting powerful energy . I have 3 children , 7 parents and am the oldest of 10 kids who did not grow up in the same house . I talk to dogs , people in line , and occasionally to myself . Sometimes I feel like I am part of a walking carnival .
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Previously , we had run PVC pipes out into the overhang to allow venting the range , the bathroom fans , the radon vent , and the exhaust for the house ventilation system . I decided to start connecting them up to actual duct work . I started by looking at what it was going to take to run the radon vent out . For venting any radon from under the floor , a piece of drain tile was put down in the gravel under the insulation and the concrete . It comes out of the floor inside of a wall . Here is the pipe coming out of the floor . Right next to the one stud . Now looking straight up , I see where it would go . Right into a joist : - ( Ok , well that pipe will have to go over a little before it goes up there . The connector that I got , doesn 't glue onto the drain tile , and I can tilt it over . I am going to use some of the scrap 3 inch conduit we cut , for the vertical part . Then I am going to switch to 2 inch pvc pipe . The 2 inch will be easier to work into the joist spaces , and this vent won 't carry any real volume . It just gives gases a place to go , rather than into the house . I had been looking over my kitchen cabinet plans , and decided to make some changes . I worked with a gentleman at Lowe 's to redo the layout that I had previously worked out with them . I think the new arrangement will work fine , and will be a little simpler and less expensive . While I was at Lowe 's , I also checked into the generator that I wanted to get . They told me that they couldn 't get quite the configuration the I had seen elsewhere for a couple hundred less , but they thought they could work the price down a bit . I like the fact that these guys know about the challenges of delivering to my place , and will deliver it right where it needs to be . The other place was going to have some unknowns . I told them I would think about the generator . I laid out the parts for the Radon vent , to make sure I had everything I thought I would need . It looks like I have all the materials . I have a couple things to do before I can assemble it . I have to cut the foam from the around the pvc pipe , since it was out of position when the sprayed the foam . Once I cut around the pipe , then I can rotate it , and run some caulk around it to seal it back up . I will have to cut the pieces of 2 inch pvc to shorter lengths , so I can fit them up into the joist work . I hate to have to cut material , just to join it back together , but I checked , and the 5 foot pieces will be almost impossible to get into position . But if I cut them to shorter lengths , I can slide them in place easily . It will take far less time to cut and glue the pieces , than to try to juggle the puzzle necessary to get them in position whole . After looking that over , I worked on getting the flexible vent material laid out for the master bathroom ventilation fan . I am using flexible aluminum venting . It looks like it should work fine for this job , and it is easy to work through the joists . I want to put some material around it where it is sitting on the joists , to make sure the edges of the joist materials don 't damage the ducting . Here is what the duct run looks like . I couldn 't wait for us to be able to get siding covering that . However , when I looked at the weather forecast , it was not looking very promising for working on the house this weekend . So I took down some tools that I thought we might need for doing things like working on the vent house . Friday afternoon I headed to my folks place for the weekend . That evening , dad and I worked on finishing up putting the outside Christmas lights on the bushes . Mom and dad felt that we could get some good work in at my house on Saturday , before the weather turned bad . They were predicting it would be 5 - 6 in the evening before things got messy . So we got up early on Saturday , with the intention of seeing how much of the siding we could get on the garage side . We had previously cut all the pieces except the last one . I had put primer on the edges we cut , to seal them up and keep moisture from getting into the board material once it was installed . They were all ready to go on the wall . We started hanging the boards , and I wanted to get pictures as we went . Then I realized I had left my camera at mom and dad 's house . Oh well , mom was always carrying a camera in her purse . What , she decided to leave it at home ? OK , guess we won 't have pictures of the work as we go . We started on the right side , over beside the hobby room window . We put the first board in place , and used a scrap of lumber standing on the gravel to support it , while we attached it . We started out just standing on the ground , but soon we had to stand on the step ladder . I don 't like standing on that thing when it is on gravel that can shift under the legs . We got that piece up though . Then we looked at the next one . We thought about bringing out the scaffold to provide a platform to work from . However , the scaffold can shift around on the gravel too . Also we would have to partially disassemble it to get it from where it currently was to outside . I decided to make use of the mobile scaffold we had brought up with us that morning . I got in the truck and dad stood by the house to direct me . I backed it up so that the tailgate and bed of the truck , were in the right position for us to work from . This makes a very stable platform to work from . However as we got up to the higher locations , it was not quite high enough . So there were times when we had one foot on the top of the side of the truck , and the other out on the unstable ladder . For working on the fasteners that were more centered on the truck bed , dad came up with a better idea . Use the step stool in the truck bed , to get enough height ! Osha would have been proud . Actually , I think it was safer than that step ladder . We got all the pieces put up that we had cut . Then we worked on measuring and cutting the last piece . We were going to cut it , and then prime the edges , and while they were drying , we would work on putting the drip edge on . It took us a little while to get the piece cut . The we took it inside , and about that time , I remembered . The primer was sitting back at my apartment , since I hadn 't thought we would be working out at my house this weekend . Oh well , we couldn 't hang that board , but we could get the drip edge on . It was now overcast , and I was wondering how long the rain would hold off . We had quite a time getting the bags of dirt moved away from the edge so we could put up the drip edge . All of them were frozen solid into probably 50 pound mud bricks . A number of them were also frozen to the drainage material . We got out a shovel , and using it as a lever we were able to dislodge the remaining bags . Then we positioned the first part of the drip edge . Then we scratched our heads . We needed to drive screws in through the front of the drip edge and into the furring strips . But if we worked from on top , it was going to be very awkward . Remember the " ladder " from the spring time ? The one in this picture . Well , while I sat up on top providing guidance , and assistance , dad stood on the the " ladder " and ran the screws in . We got the pieces attached and put the dirt bags back in place . Then we packed up and headed out as it was just starting to sprinkle . It had been a very productive day . Now I need to get the last board for that side primed , so when we are able , we can slide it up under the drip edge , and fasten it in place . We had quite a bit of rain last evening . Then overnight , the snow started . There wasn 't too much this morning , but this afternoon it picked up . I wanted to check on a couple things at my house , and get some pictures . So I headed out this afternoon . Here is what it looked like . December feels like it is going to run by like a frightened deer ! Thanksgiving was good . I ate too much , slept in , and enjoyed spending time in front of the fire at my parents place . My dad and I also continued to work on items for the house . We worked on constructing the parts of the vent house . We got all the sides fabricated . The east and west side have a slope at the top for the roof to sit on . The south side will be solid . The north side will have the air intake . Later in the weekend , we went out and did a little patching . The ground has been settling around the house . On the north side , it was pulling the drainage material down the wall , and exposing the waterproofing . I wanted to keep the waterproofing covered . So we put in a scrap piece of the drainage material . The ground will probably settle more over the winter , so we will have to make some adjustments to keep things properly covered . We have been having quite a bit of rain , and trying to not track in great gobs of mud on my shoes , has become a challenge . I decided that since I was going to want a path around to the front from the driveway anyway , I may as well start putting down materials which would also help keep the mud off the feet . I put down weed fabric . This will get covered with stone in the future , but for now , it helps reduce the mud on the shoes at least . This weekend we had a small snow storm move through . It was enough to cover things fairly well . Today though it got above freezing and started to melt and make things even messier . At least I got some pictures before that . The view from the front yard . The roof had a pretty good cover . This afternoon , I started installing the aluminum for the solar array . I attached the base pieces on to the piers . Dad and I were going to install them last weekend , but found that the piers had move enough that the holes were not going to line up . So yesterday , we did some drilling and made the back hole , into a slot on each piece . I was able to install the base pieces today . However I did find that some of them are no longer level . I am not sure if we will have problems from that yet . I also am getting quotes on the drywall work for inside . The first contractor sounds like he has good experience for working with my house . I will have to see how expensive this is going to be though . Another contractor I was going to meet today , was having trouble with vehicles . Including the one he borrowed to come up to my place this afternoon . So , I will have to try to meet with him early this week . I am hoping that I might have the drywall hung on the outside walls , and in the garage before Christmas so I can start work on my electrical . I have been having people ask , when are you going to post ? Why haven 't you posted in three weeks ? Well folks , I have been a little busy . Work has been rather hectic , and have had some late evenings working on the house . Some things have gone quite well though , so I guess I should be thankful , and fill you in . Adam had told me that he was going to be out of town , and I thought he meant for about a week . However , I got a call from him on the Wednesday after I found I had broken pipes . He had run a marathon delivery job , going from here , to Texas , to Florida and back home , in about 4 days . He said he was tired . I couldn 't blame him . I filled him in on what I knew , and he told me to check to see if we could get the excavator for the following weekend . So I called up the rental place and reserved the excavator for the weekend , and let dad know that I expected we would be spending the weekend fixing the pipes . I also ordered a truckload of gravel . This time we were going to put gravel in around the pipes , before we backfilled . Adam picked up the excavator on Friday afternoon , and we met him early on Saturday . He had already done some digging where he thought we needed to be . We took a tape measure and checked . We needed to work over a bit more to the east . We also checked some of the photos I had taken when we had originally put the pipes together . We dug down next to the pipe in the well trench , and found where it had broken . Then we worked next to the house . That was much more challenging . We had to go down around 9 feet to get to where the pipes were coming out of the house , and we had a mixture of stuff that was all dry and just collapsed as it was dug , and wet stuff that wanted to stick together and was awful to dig . Well , we got the problems uncovered . In both of the breaks next to the house , it was at a coupler . Adam recommended repairing them with a rubber coupler , since that would have some give and not just break . I looked at what we had done with the communications pipe originally , with its curves it was going to be a pain to push wire through . I thought , while we have the excavator there anyway , lets dig a new trench , and just lay a whole new conduit . Adam agreed that that made a lot of sense . So he dug a new trench for that . While he had the excavator , he also dug more dirt up for backfilling the house . Mom , dad and I went and got lunch , and fittings to do the repairs . We got back , and spent the rest of the afternoon , getting the fittings put in place . It took quite a bit of battling with the fittings to get them on the pipes , but they should have good tight seals , especially after we tightened the clamps on them . We went out early on Sunday , and worked on putting the new conduit sections together for the communications line . We got it mostly done before Adam showed up . Adam worked with the excavator , and the Bobcat to put gravel down around the repairs and to backfill . Later , he used the excavator to dig up some more dirt . He said , after things settle this winter then he will need to add more backfill , and so he got a pretty good pile loosened up , so he can work with just his Bobcat in the spring for backfilling . Adam had recommended that I not bother cutting the pipes for the future solar thermal , until after we finish the grading . That way they wouldn 't end up too short . Right now though , they look like a couple of gun barrels sticking out of the ground . Dad decided to take Friday off , and I thought I would to . I actually got a call from the well driller , and he was wondering if I had gotten the pipes fixed . I told him I had , and that I was interested in trying to get the pump in . He said that he was open on Friday . I told him that would work fine . Then I found out it wasn 't going to work for me , but dad said he could be out there to work with the well driller to get it taken care of . OK , so that is set up . We will do the well on Friday , and spend the rest of the weekend working on the siding . Dad said he could also take Monday . So I scheduled to take Monday . We had things sheduled that meant we wouldn 't have all of Saturday or Sunday to work , but I figured that would give us enough time to finish getting the place cleaned up , and that we might get the siding done on the garage side . Then the guys from the spray foam company called . The were wondering when I might be ready . I told them that I had planned on having the place cleaned up that next weekend . They said they had a slot open on Monday . I told them that we would be ready . Then I told dad , plans changed . Now after the well pump was in , cleanup was going to be the top priority . When I got out there on Friday afternoon , dad had a few things to show me . He had worked on countersinking the screws in the Trex furring strips on the garage side . We had done that side , before I thought of the fact that the screw heads sticking out of the Trex boards would cause problems in attaching the Hardie panels . He had also used his nail gun , and attached the pieces of foam insulation I had cut for the garage wall that week . He had gotten that all done after the well driller left . Dad showed me how the driller had connected the lines coming out of the conduit , into the side of the well casing . There were pieces of the casing , wire , and well line taped onto the well . He had left those , in case the county officials wanted to check what had been done and used . It was already almost dark when I got out there , so we didn 't do much other than plan out Saturday before we left and got some dinner . The well driller had suggested burying the connection to the well , in sand , before we put gravel or backfill in . So we picked up some bags of sand to take out , and a couple other things we would need . Saturday morning we got out there and the first thing we did was test the pump . This well pump is designed to run on 24 volts DC , not 120 or 240 volt AC . However , it will also run on 12 volts DC . That meant , I could just hook it up to my truck battery to see if it would run . I took out a meter to watch how much power it was drawing from the battery . I wanted to make sure it looked to be operating properly . I hooked it up . We watched the power usage climb as it pumped the water up the well and had do work harder to pump it higher and higher . I couldn 't hear any thing from the end of the well line , but I could feel cool air coming out of it . When I put my thumb over the end , and then let go , there was a gentle whoosh as built up air pressure was released . I knew it was pumping . We kept waiting . Then . . . Sunday , we had prior commitments , so it was almost dark before we were able to get out to the house . We had picked up some subs to have for dinner . Dad and I started to work on finishing up the cleanup and mom sat in the car and read her book . After a while , we decided it was time to eat . It had gotten pretty cold outside , but was just chilly inside . We lit up a portable heater dad had gotten to warm his garage in the winter when he is working out there , and used the box from the generator as a table . It was chilly , but much warmer than the car . We got out there early on Monday . There were a few things left to do . We still had tools that needed to be moved into the garage , where they were not going to be spraying . We need to finish stuffing material in the joist spaces on top of the garage walls , so they wouldn 't have foam spraying into the garage . We also needed to cover over the ends of some of the pipes , so they didn 't get foam in them . Dad and I scrambled to finish , but then the foam guys drove up . I had expected a call , but there was no warning . Well , we weren 't done , they would just have to wait a bit . They didn 't have to wait long , and they were able to get started . I found out that the job would have to be done on more than one day , since the fire paint couldn 't be applied until at least 24 hours after the foam . They started to spray the foam , and dad and I worked on cutting more of the siding pieces for the garage side . We ran into two problems . First with the foam . When they bid the job , a guy came out , looked over the situation , and gave me a price . Well , that was for a certain thickness . The installers talked to me . They said that with that thickness , they were not going to be able to seal the roof , because they were not going to be able to seal around where the joists ran across a valley in the steel decking . Dad and I had suspected there might be a problem with that when we watched them start . The installers wanted to do the job right . So they said it would take more time , but they could apply it thicker so that it would be sealed . I told them to go ahead . I figured that since they had mis - estimated what it would take , that was their issue , not mine . I gave them a duplicate house key , so they could get in on Tuesday . The second problem , was that as we were cutting one of the Hardie panels , dad 's saw stopped . It would no longer run . It had given me troubles a couple other times , but this time it did not seem that it was going to work again . Well , the thing is around 40 years old . I went and got about the least expensive one I could buy . If it survives the house construction , that will be good enough . Tuesday , we had rain all day , so I didn 't go out . Wednesday , I ran out to see how things had turned out with the foam . The foam was done , and looked pretty good . I didn 't find my house key where I was expecting it though . I called the company to find out about when the spray painting guys would be going out . They said that the spray guys had already finished . They said the paint was light gray . Hmmm , I went back out , and looked . I noticed that some of the bar joists and studs now had paint sprayed on them . The foam was also a lighter color than I had remembered from Monday . OK , but where is my key . I talked to the company again and they checked with the crew . They told me where they left it . When I went out again , I found it . I went and payed them the rest of the original amount . They marked it paid . So looks like I got a bit more foam than they originally priced it for . Well things were going well . We went out last Saturday , and worked all day , and got the overhang ready for the soffit material . We got the foam in place , and all the Trex boards were attached where they needed to go . Exhaust pipes are in place . We have wires run through the insulation over the wall to provide power to the front door lights , and the outside outlet . This evening we were going to start putting on siding on the front . I got a call from the well driller as I headed out to meet my folks . He was wondering if I was ready for him to install the well pump . I told him that I was . He said he would need to know how far it was from the house to the well . I told him I would run a tape measure through the conduit so I could get him an accurate number and would let him know tomorrow what it was . Well dad and I started to fish the tape down the conduit from the well toward the house . It didn 't go very far , before it seemed to get stuck . I figured it was just getting hung up trying to get past one of the joints . We went inside , and dad had the idea to take some wire I had bought and try to push that through , since it would be stiffer , then we could use it to fish the tape , or a string or whatever through the conduit . Ok , so we started pushing that in from outside . It seemed to get stopped a short distance in . Ok , lets try pushing from inside . We had to move a couple things out of the way , and I got down , and started pushing the wire through , as dad fed it to me . It went quite a ways then it seemed to get stuck . Uh , oh , I was getting a bad feeling . I asked dad to go outside and see if the wire had gone all the way through . I told him if he didn 't see the wire sticking out , he should try calling down through the pipe to see if it was still open . While he was head out , I noticed the pipe for the future solar hot water had a little mud sitting in the bottom . Dad had been gone long enough that he should have called to me by that point . I looked at the pipe for the communications conduit . It had a lot of mud in the bottom of it . This was not looking good . Dad came back in , and asked if I had heard him . At that point , I knew the well line was blocked . Most likely it had broken , and mud had seeped in and filled it up . We got a flashlight , and looked into the pipes . I couldn 't see a problem in the well line , but I knew it was well blocked . I could see water sitting in the fitting for the solar thermal and there was mud on the floor below it , so I knew it was broken somewhere . I not only had mud all along the bottom of the communications pipe but I could see where the pipe transitioned to the grey conduit , it was shifted out of place . So my pipes have breaks in multiple places . We will have to go in , dig them up , replace the pipe , and bury them again . I have some ideas on ways to reduce the chance of another break , but this is going to be time consuming to fix and cost more money to redo things that I thought were done . I was still going to pick up the well pump , so I could at least talk to the well driller about the sort of connection that would be needed . I stopped at my storage unit , and went to unlock it , and found that the key was missing from my key ring ! Mondays suck ! ! Last Saturday , Matt was able to go out with us . With Matt , my dad and I we were able to finish covering the north wall with drainage material . We also finished loading the scrap foam , and plastic , and extra drainage material into the ventilation / power trench . Adam had planned to come over on Saturday , but he found he had some prior commitments , so continuing to backfill would have to wait till Sunday afternoon . They were predicting some gusting winds , so we threw some dirt in the trench to help keep things in place . It wasn 't much , but I figured it would keep the edges down out of the wind , and that would keep things in place . While Matt was there , we got the pieces put together for the drip edge that will go over the garage side , once we have the siding on . Having three people to handle these big pieces for getting them on the roof , really helps . Matt also helped us move a number of the extra pieces of wood , up into the joists in the garage , where they are handy , but out of the way . Sunday , I went out fairly early . I worked on cleaning and straightening up materials and tools . I was expecting to do that in the morning , then in the afternoon Adam was to come over and continue backfilling . Well , part way through the morning , I heard the Bobcat coming up my drive . Ok , time to work with Adam to ensure things got backfilled the way I wanted , and to answer any questions that came up . After Adam had used up the dirt that had been excavated originally he was having trouble digging through the dry clay . We went and looked for places on my property where the ground might have more moisture , and so be softer . He tried a couple places . He found a spot in the woods that looked promising . As he started working on that , I went to get some lunch . When I came back , I saw that he had managed quite a bit of filling . He had also thought the the place would look better with a bush on the side of the house . It is a thought , but it wasn 't even up to final grade , a little soon to be planting bushes . Adam finished what he could do until we had some rain to soften things up . So he left , and shortly afterwards , my folks showed up . My dad and I worked on getting the furring strips up on the front of the house . I wanted to get it ready for siding . All the furring strips are in place on the front . Ready for siding . Monday , Adam went out and got some more dirt moved . We were still waiting for rain to show up . They kept predicting it , and it kept failing to show . Then on Tuesday , we had a large line of storms come through and drop a good amount of rain . The storms brought high winds which looks to have knocked over another tree , but the rain was good . Adam went out this afternoon , and got more earth moved . The rain had helped , and he was able to move quite a bit , before he got back down to dry clay . Adam was able to almost cover the whole north side . He still has a bit more to get it buried , and more fill is needed to get the grading the way it needs to be . He is going to do some more work on it tomorrow . Hopefully , when I get out there , my house will be fully buried . Monday , I called the inspector , and told him that the trenches with the conduit for the electrical , were ready for inspection . He said he would be able to inspect that day . I went out after work , and found he had left my inspection paper for me , indicating that the inspection was passed . So , I worked on pushing some dirt into the ventilation trench . I wanted to get some dirt in , before I had Adam push a bunch in with the Bobcat . I talked to Adam , and he had Tuesday off . So he said he would come over and push some dirt into the trench so I could get the pipes covered , and he would also push dirt up against the North wall and around the pipes coming out of the house . In the afternoon on Tuesday , Adam gave me a call . He had moved most of the dirt he could , until we finished filling the ventilation trench . However , there had been a problem . One of the pipes broke near the house ! Not good , not good at all . After work , I went out to check on things . I found that it wasn 't the pipe that had broken , but the adapter that goes from the 4 inch pipe , to the 3 inch pipe . I scratched my head a bit , on how I was going to connect these back together . I cut end of the 3 inch pipe with what was left of the adapter . That gave me a clean pipe end to work with . Then I saw that the adapter had only gone part way into the fitting . I carefully sawed the end of the fitting off , and took all of the adapter with it . Now I had two clean pipes , how to connect them . I wasn 't going to be able to use the same adapter , since it wouldn 't bridge the gap that was now present between the two pipes , and I wouldn 't have been able to glue it in place without being able to move either pipe . I found that with the ends off various size pipes I had on hand , I could make an adapter that would have a chance of connecting the two pipes . Marcus came out to lend me a hand , and any advice he could . He helped me cut the pieces I needed . Then I put them together . The fit between two of the pieces was not real good . There was a gap that would have to be filled in . I took it back and looked things over . Marcus did not feel that it was going to work vary well . As I looked at it , I decided that I agreed , this just as not looking like the right way to do this . Today , I went and bought a different adapter , and a rubber coupling . The adapter went from the 4 inch pipe , to 3 inch pipe . The coupler allowed me to connect the two 3 inch pipes , without having to move them . I put the coupler on the one pipe , then lined it up with the other pipe , and slid the coupler over onto that pipe as well . I tightened the coupler , and it seemed to make a good joint between the two pipes . I now wish I had taken this approach originally . Then I started to pull plastic sheeting , and foam pieces out of the house and the woods . I have quite a stock pile of foam and plastic that were cut off other pieces , but which are perfectly usable for in the trench . I read about covering the ventilation pipes with insulation and plastic sheeting , to make the pipes act like they are buried deeper than they are . The whole idea behind these pipes , is that they will moderate air temperatures all year long . To do this , they need ground that is significantly warmer than the air in winter , and significantly cooler than the air in the summer . With the ends of the pipes away from the house ending up only a couple feet underground , the ground will warm up during the summer and get too cold to have much value in the winter . To help isolate the ground around the pipes from the air temperature above ground , I am adding insulation . The plastic will reduce the amount of water that gets down into this soil , which would otherwise help transfer heat from the surface . This should allow the deeper ground temperatures to play a more significant role in the temperature of the pipes . That is the theory any way . If I had to buy new foam and plastic for the trench , I would probably forgo the expense , and just go with the dirt by itself . However , as we used foam for under the slab , in the walls , and on the roof , I kept the scrap pieces back in my woods , and some in the house . I have a large stock of foam pieces that wouldn 't work for much else , but can be laid in the trench and then buried . Even if the foam has a minimal effect , it is better than just sending it to a landfill where it would just take up space . The same goes for the plastic that will go in the trench . I am using scraps that have been cut off the plastic that was used for the waterproofing . Quite a lovely display for the Fall . Other than where Adam and I have driven my truck and his Bobcat through , my leach field is covered in grasses and flowers . We haven 't been having much rain , but the wild growing plants don 't seem to be having that much trouble with it . With the well and communications conduits installed in the trench , it was time to get more backfilling done . Dad took last Friday off , and Adam was also off . So mom and dad went up Friday morning , and Adam brought over the Bobcat , and worked on getting more grading done now that some of the ground was softer , and also worked to do some backfilling . I went out in the afternoon , and dad and I worked on getting the rest of the pipes coming out of the wall connected up . We had a pipe that will eventually carry hot water heated by solar panels . That will be added after the house is lived in for a while , so I can get a good estimate of how much solar I need to install . So for now , the pipe just has caps on the end , so it will extend up to where the backfill will be , and can be connected into at a later date . It splits into two pipes . One will have an insulated pipe that will carry water to the collectors , and the other will carry hot water back from the collectors in a second insulated pipe . Other than where they come through the wall , they will be kept separate . The well conduit is covered by dirt . The two pipes at the top , are for the future solar thermal system . The pipe with the sharp bend , is the communications conduit . The set of 5 pipes coming out , is for the ventilation . The gray pipe at the bottom is for the electrical power lines . Saturday , mom and dad could only spend half the day . So , we got up early and headed out . First we concentrated on finishing up the power conduit . Then we worked on installing the organ . This house will have very little air that will leak through cracks . The walls are concrete , the roof is sealed and covered in dirt , and will be sealed to the walls with spray foam . The windows and doors will have some leakage and there will be some air flow through the fan exhausts . But most all the air flowing into the house , will come through a set of pipes laid underground . They will function as the wind pipe for the house . Allowing air to flow in to replace stale air . As dad and I worked on them though , we found they also acted like a giant set of organ pipes . If you tapped on them , you could hear a pitch , and multiple echos . When we had to trim the pipes that were already glued on , the noise of the hand saw played through them in an odd fashion as though they were 50 foot organ pipes . I think only an elephant would be able to actually appreciate those acoustics . As pieces were added , we had to bend the pipes over , since the trench isn 't perpendicular to the back wall . After mom and dad left , I worked on shifting gravel , and putting pieces of pipe in the trench . It was too unwieldy to glue it by myself , but I could get the pieces all laid out so that we would be ready to glue them on Sunday . All the pieces in position , cut to aproximate length , and ready to be glued . Sunday afternoon , we got back to work . We took the pieces apart , and glued them each where they needed to be . We also took some of the foam board that was left from other work , and made pieces to hold the ends of the pipe in place . The foam blocks that were place in the trench to hold the pipes in place as they are backfilled , are packing that was from my garage door . Why waste it ? I was ready to have the inspector come out and check on the electrical conduit . That is the only pipe in the trenches that had to be inspected . I called the inspector this morning , and this evening I got out there and had a inspection approval waiting for me . Time to get the trench backfilled ! Adam is also going to push some dirt in the bottom of the ventilation trench , so I can get the pipes covered , and put in foam and plastic sheeting . I am going to put in a lot of the foam that I have left over from other work , to help with the thermal performance of the ventilation pipes . The added insulation should make them behave like they are buried deeper . This will help cool incoming air in the summer , and warm the air coming into the house in the winter . This way , I can also make good use of a bunch of the scrap foam that is left , instead of having it hauled off to a landfill .
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In the late 1910 's and early 1920 's , Joe , Vernon , Horace , and Floyd Roberts would ride by horseback from Grandpa 's Bedias home to the old home site , about a 3 hour trip by horseback . They would do this during the year when they were taking care of Grandfather Hiram 's cows and during the roundup also . They would stay at the old home place during the week and come into Bedias by horseback on the weekends . During the roundup , Joe , Vernon , Horace , and Floyd Roberts would do the roping and branding . Kelly McAdams and the young boys of the family - Cuyler , John Gayle , Carl Luther - would help . Their job was to keep the fire going and branding irons hot . Grandpa Hiram would brand sometimes . Joe was real good at roping the cows . It was hard work . During a lunch break at roundup , if we were at the home site , Grandpa would take a chair and turn it around and upside down so he could lean back against it . He would lean against that chair and take a 30 minute nap . Boy , you could hear him snore ! Joe would say , " You boys had better go to the barn or go somewhere , because if you wake him I will be in trouble the rest of the day . Joe was the cook for the cowhands during the roundup and even during the other times of the year when they were just taking care of the cattle . He made these big , delicious biscuits for us at meal times . We always had meat of some kind during the roundup . If need be , they would butcher a calf , hang it up and eat it at the evening meals . We had milk also at the meals . One of the older boys would milk one of the cows to provide the milk for the meals . Joe would cook for us and he thoroughly enjoyed it . If you ate two of his biscuits , you would have had plenty to eat ! Bedias had a baseball team in the 1920 's . Joe played on the team in the mid 20 's . He was quite a ball player . The team played over in a field near the Bedias Baptist cemetery . They had built a back stop out of wire . Bedias had some good baseball teams in those years . Ray Benge , later a major league pitcher , played with the team some . Joe was a pitcher and was tall and slender , weighing about 165 pounds . He pitched under - armed rather over - armed like they do now . The team played on Saturday and Sunday afternoons . Teams from Crockett , Cameron , and all around came to play the Bedias team . Kelly and G . B . played on the team . I ( Cuyler ) was playing high school ball then and the Bedias team had only one catcher . One weekend , the catcher was unable to play with the team and they invited me to catch for them on a weekend trip to Cameron . That was quite a trip in those days . There was enough money in the club fund for meals and an overnight stay at Cameron . Joe would pitch one game and Ray Benge would pitch the next game . Joe thoroughly enjoyed playing the game of baseball . In 1928 , Joe met Sarah Elizabeth Jones of Neches , and they were married on December 24 , 1928 . He sold his horse , Old Dan , and retired from baseball playing and dedicated his time to his family . Joe and Beth had four children : Jo Beth in 1929 , Dan in 1934 , Thomas in 1938 and Susanne in 1941 . An interesting story occurred as a result of their marriage . At the time of their marriage , Beth was teaching school in Batson , in the Big Thicket . They had to keep their marriage a secret until the end of the school year because the school administration and community frowned on " married " women teaching school . How times have changed ! The 1998 Hiram McAdams Family Reunion will be held on the last Sunday in April ( April 26 ) . This year 's reunion will be hosted by the Joe Horn McAdams family . Please mark your calendars now and plan on sharing in the rich traditions of this great Texas family . From an interview with William Vernon McAdams in 1976 . This interview was recorded and transcribed by Thomas Hiram McAdams and Jo Beth McAdams Stutts . The first part of this interview was published in the Fall , 1997 McAdams Newsletter and is continued here . Another episode like that occurred one time when I was riding with Horace . When we got to a gate , Horace told me to get down and open it because that was the only reason he brought me along . I told him he would have to whip me first before I would open that gate . Before the day was over , when we got to a gate , Horace would get down and open it himself , he was so tired of whipping me . When we lived at the Old Home Place , our post office was located over at cousin Eugene Woods ' house . The post office was called " McAdams . " Joe and I would walk over there to get the mail . That was about one mile away from our house . Harold Woods , one of cousin Eugene Woods ' boys , would collect a bunch of rocks and when he saw Joe and I coming for the mail , he would throw those rocks at Joe and me . Well , when he ran out of rocks we would get him down finally and start whipping him good . Then , the Woods ' girls would come out and tell us to " get off Harold cause he 's ruptured . " So , we would get off him . But , the next time we came for the mail , Harold would have another pile of rocks waiting to throw at us . Another time when we were little , Poppa brought a wagon home for Joe . When he started pulling that wagon around , I couldn 't stand it so I started fighting him for the wagon . Poppa settled that argument by whipping both of us . It seems like I was always getting into trouble . Old Home Place - In the spring of one year , I was playing with a neighbor , Ransom Wells , down by the spring creek behind our house . We decided we would go swimming in the creek . Well , Ransom Wells was a red - headed boy and when he started taking off his clothes and got down to his red flannel underwear , that was too much red for an old cow that was grazing nearby . That cow chased us away from the creek and up the hill till we got over the fence . Poppa had a lot of hogs running loose in the woods then . Sometimes after a hog hunt , there would be as many as 20 hogs hung up on poles , being cleaned and prepared . Again , all this meat was divided among all the neighbors and Negroes who worked for us . We had our own syrup mill also . We would have a mule - drawn grinding stone to crush the sugar cane and cooking vats to prepare the syrup . The syrup mill was located in different places depending on where we grew the sugar cane . We also had a grist mill down by the cotton gin back of the house where we ground the corn to make corn meal . Our sugar cane syrup was stored in barrels . At the bottom of the barrel , the syrup would crystallize and turn into " rock candy . " When the older boys would go to Ft . Worth to take a load of cows to market , Momma would get them to bring her back a pint of whiskey for medicinal purposes . Remember , Poppa wouldn 't allow any drinking whiskey to be used around him . Momma would mix some of that whiskey in a container with that hard " rock candy " and use a teaspoon of it as medicine for us when we got the croup . Old Home Place - The countryside out around the Old Place looks quite different today than it did when I was young . It was more open , with less trees than we have now . Poppa had cattle all over the open country and piney woods , from Pine creek down by Hopewell and all along the South Bedias creek to the forks of the North and South Bedias creeks on the Madisonville to Huntsville road . One day the older boys had penned a bunch of cows by the Old Home Place . During the night a cat ( cougar ) came close by and scared the cows so bad they stampeded right through the sides of the pen . After Carl , Edgar and Frank had chased the cows a good ways and caught up with them , they found some of the cows with parts of the pen fencing still on their backs . They carried them on in to Bedias and loaded them on railroad cars to ship them out to market . Old Home Place - We had a dog named " Old Nipper " who never would stay at the same place for long . He would alternate staying with Edgar and Mary , or with Carl or with Frank and sometimes he would come back to the Old Place . But , any day it rained , he would come back to the Old Place because he knew that Poppa was probably going hog hunting the next morning . On these hog hunts , " Old Nipper " would sniff out a bed of piglets ( with the old sow usually off feeding ) and start playing with those piglets to make them squeal and attract the sow back to them . You had to have good dogs to herd both cattle and hogs in the piney woods . We had a few of the old breed of dogs helping us then . These were the dogs that were part wolf . Joe had a dog named " Jane " who was quite a cow dog . When we were herding cattle , that dog had to be in the lead and wouldn 't quit till she found the lead cow and stayed right with her . I had a part Newfoundland bull - dog named " Watch " that was a good cow dog also . When we were herding cattle , if a calf dropped out of the herd , old " Watch " wouldn 't bother it , but if a cow or bull tried to stray , that dog would chase it and grab it right by the end of the nose and back to the herd that cow would come with that dog holding it by the nose . Bedias - Poppa had a real good milk cow when we lived in Bedias . After you milked , a good part of the top would be pure cream . Joe and Horace did most of the milking and they tried to teach me how to do it . But I wouldn 't listen to them or even try to milk while they were at home . After they left home , I finally had to do the milking . Later on , Jack Langley liked to do the milking . When the cow had a calf , Jack would hog - tie that calf flat on its side while he was milking so it wouldn 't bother him . When the boys were staying at the Old Home Place and working the cattle , Poppa would sometimes come out there from Bedias and stay the night with us . He would wake up in the middle of the night , around 2 a . m . If anyone so much as wiggled a toe , he would be up and calling you . If you answered him , he would talk to you the rest of the night . We learned not to make any noise during the night . He went to bed early , right after dark , and woke up early . Old Home Place - Joe and I were hunting hogs down in the Bedias creek bottom one time . The creek had dried up into holes separated by dry spots . Each of us had a rope on our saddle that we were going to use on any hogs we found . As we crossed South Bedias creek , we saw where an alligator had dragged his tail along . We looked at each other and both said , " Let 's get him ! " We followed the creek a ways and came to a shallow hole of water with a number of logs in it . I saw the alligator in it and yelled at Joe . When I started making a lot of noise , the alligator left that shallow hole of water and started for another . Joe roped that alligator and dragged him away from the creek several hundred yards across old Horse prairie . I had thought about trying to carry him on to the Old Place , but that alligator was heavy and my horse had a sore back . So , we decided to tie him to a tree near a shallow hole of water and come back for him later . When we did come back the next day , that alligator was gone . He had pulled on that rope till it frayed and broke . Several hundred people gathered at the old John R . McAdams home Sunday and under large oak trees near the home held a celebration of this ancestor and also observed the ninetieth birthday of Hiram McAdams , oldest living member of the family . The log house , which is still occupied , is built of logs 87 years old . More than two hundred and fifty of the family signed the guest book . Several descendants of slaves on the McAdams homestead were present and had a part in the festivities . The home stands thirteen miles west of Huntsville on the Bedias road . About ten thirty in the morning , after the crowd had arrived , Ted and Marie Yates , great grandchildren of Mr . and Mrs . Eugene Wood , gave a vocal solo with piano accompaniment and Edwin Anders , son of Mr . and Mrs . Arthur Anders , sang " An Old Spanish Custom , " playing his own accompaniment on the guitar . A reading , most appropriate for the setting , " Woodsman Spare That Tree , " was given by Bob McAdams . Jack Langley , son of Era McAdams Langley , read a toast written by Jud Mortimer Lewis to Mr . McAdams for this occasion . It was entitled " Your Ninetieth Birthday . " The bounteous repast was spread at noon on long tables and served buffet style . A large four - tier twenty - pound birthday cake with ninety candles and holders was in the center of the table . From an interview with Ruth McAdams Cole in 1976 . This interview was recorded and transcribed by Thomas Hiram McAdams and Jo Beth McAdams Stutts . The first part of this interview was published in the Fall , 1997 McAdams Newsletter and is continued here . I gradually learned to drive that T - model Ford well enough that Poppa would let me drive my girl friends around town on Sunday afternoon . Well , one Sunday , Joe went somewhere in the T - model Ford . He had left his car , a Buick , parked in our barn behind the house , thinking that I couldn 't drive it since it was a shift - gear car . After a while , I got to looking at that Buick and decided that I could drive it . I got it started and backed it out of the barn and started out to pick up my girl friends . About then , Poppa came out of the house and said to Era , " E . , where 's Ruth ? " Era said , " She 's in Joe 's car and has gone for a ride . " Poppa said , " Dog - gonnit , she would drive that cistern if it had an engine ! " In the meantime , my girl friends and I started out toward Singleton in that Buick . On the way we met Joe coming back to Bedias . He stopped me and made us get out of the Buick and get in the T - model . He drove his car back to Bedias wondering how on earth I got his car started and that far away from home with that shift - gear . I just thought I was the grandest thing in the world taking those girls for a ride in that Buick automobile . When I was young , I remember one Monday when Vernon was supposed to go out to the Old Home Place with the rest of the boys . He didn 't want to go and was real aggravated about it . I happened to be playing out in the front yard with " Aunt Frank 's " daughter when Vernon picked up a buggy whip and started whipping me with it . I guess that was the way he was getting rid of his frustration at having to go out to the Old Home Place and work . Well , Horace saw him hit me with the whip and he came over and took the whip away from Vernon . Horace proceeded to give Vernon a good whipping with that whip right there in the front yard . Vernon was always getting into trouble with that whip . There were very few times that we were able to get Poppa to go fishing with all of us . Once , we did get him to go with to Blue Lake to go fishing . Poppa didn 't know that I could swim . When we had been there for awhile , we all decided to go swimming . The women went down to one end of the lake , and the men to the other end . Poppa was sitting on the bank near the middle . I was at the end with the rest of the women when I decided I wanted to swim down to the other end where the boys were . So I started swimming down the length of Blue Lake . When I passed Poppa , he jumped up and yelled , " Boys , come get her , she can 't swim and she 's in those alligators ! " He nearly had a fit trying to get the boy 's attention since he didn 't think I could swim good . When Alete and I went to college in Huntsville , Joe and Mr . Thompson would alternate coming to Huntsville to get us . One time , I remember the dirt roads were so bad that they couldn 't come in the T - model Ford to get us . Alete and I had to ride the train to Conroe , change trains and ride it to Navasota . We had to stay in a hotel in Navasota that night and then catch the train to Bedias the next day . At our old house in Bedias , Poppa wouldn 't call me or come in my room in the morning when he wanted me to get up . He would put on his heavy boots and walk up and down the hall in front of my room until the noise woke me up . If that didn 't get me up , he would go and get Era and say , " E . , go and get Ruth up ! " I remember a funny episode that occurred when all the boys were married except Joe , who was still living here with Poppa , Era and me . Joe had a young dentist friend who went out on double dates with him . Well , one night they came in late from a date and the dentist stayed at our house for the night . Joe got up early because he had to go to work , but the dentist didn 't get up when he did . Mariah fixed breakfast for Joe and his friend . After Joe had left for work and the breakfast she had fixed began to get cold , Mariah got agitated at the dentist for still sleeping . Finally , she went in there and knocked on the door of the bedroom where the young man was sleeping and said , " Ain 't you that tooth fiddler ? Well , what time do you start fiddling teeth ? " Soon after I started to college , Poppa divided up the cows among the children and he offered me a choice of part of the cows or a car . Well , I wanted a car , so Poppa bought me a Ford roadster with a rumble seat in the back . I used that roadster to get back and forth to college at Huntsville . I remember one time when , for some reason or another , I had left my car in Bedias for Joe to use that week . One night during the week , some girl friends of mine and I were walking back to where we stayed in Huntsville after seeing a picture show downtown . We had always been told not to accept a ride with strange men . As we were walking home , I noticed my car drive up next to us and I heard a voice say , " Girls , do you ' all want a ride home ? " I recognized Joe 's voice . He couldn 't see us well because it was dark . So I said yes , we would ride with them . The other girls got in the car before me and when I got in the car , Joe finally recognized me and said , " My God , Ruth , what are you doing here ? " When we lived in Bedias , on Saturday all of the people that lived out in the country would come to town . Poppa would go to town and visit with all the Negro families that used to work for him at the Old Place . He would invite them to our house to eat dinner . Momma would never know on Saturday how many people she would be cooking for . Poppa always tried to take care of the people who worked for him . At one time , when we lived at the Old Home Place , Poppa had about 25 Negro families living around there and working for him . Once when I was a child my mother and I were visiting in Bedias . All the cousins were scattered and with no one to play with , boredom soon set in . In an effort to entertain me , Aunt Era allowed me to go through an old trunk . In it were the few belongings of Alice Williamson McAdams preserved by her daughter from the time of her death twenty years previously . The little poem at the beginning of this was copied by Alice in her autograph book and stored in the trunk . It was , obviously , a prized possession filled with messages from her friends , her sister Louvenia , her suitors including some very brief words from H . A . McAdams and even a rhyme to " Dear Momma " from " Your baby Ruth " written for Ruth by my mother who was Alice 's oldest child . Besides the autograph book , the contents , of the trunk were relatively few . There were several articles of clothing and a thin packet of letters written by Hiram McAdams to Alice before their marriage . The discovery which excited me the most was her wedding dress packed away in tissue paper . To me , it was so beautiful and I immediately began to fantasize about wearing it at my own wedding . This garment was actually a suit of white wool closed in the front with tiny buttons and with a collar and cuffs of white lace . Unfortunately , the moths had also found it and it was riddled with holes so no one was able to wear it . I don 't know what became of the dress and if there was a picture made of Alice wearing it , it has not been located . Grandmother Alice had thirteen grandchildren but all were born after her death . Mary was the only one of her children married at that time and when Mary was expecting her first child , Grandmother Alice crocheted a beautiful lace cap for the baby . It was packed away , unworn , however , after the death of the premature infant . Pop McAdams , fortunately , had a number of grandchildren , the offspring of his older children . These youngsters were considered Grandmother Alice 's grandchildren too . Alete Thompson Wafer tells many stories of her early life in Bedias and how Grandma was a big part of that life . It is obvious there was little free time in the McAdams house down in Walker County . With a large family and much company , often unexpected , food preparation was the first order of business . Grandmother Alice cooked and baked great quantities of food . She canned the vegetables and fruits grown in the family garden and baked bread and desserts for the growing youngsters . Before Pop and Grandmother moved to Bedias it was a long wagon trip to church on the Sundays worship was held . There was always a flour sack of tea cakes ( sugar cookies ) to pacify the restless children during the long service and ride home . A bag of these same tea cakes was stored in the farm house kitchen to add to lunches packed for the boys . A typical lunch consisted of cold fried chicken , biscuits , a bottle of syrup and baked sweet potatoes . It took hardy food to provide energy for overseeing the cattle and raising the crops . Aunt Ruth says that after the move to Bedias , she never knew Grandmother Alice to attend the morning church service . Sunday morning was spent in the kitchen across the street from the church . As soon as the service was over she had the dining table loaded with a bounty of hot food for the family and any other people Pop could talk into sharing the meal . Sunday nights were another matter ; then she was one of the first worshipers in the church . The number of school teachers in our family has always been a matter of pride but it was only recently learned that Grandmother Alice was the first . The Williamson family lived in the Cotton community in northeast Grimes County . There the young Alice studied and learned as much as she could in the country school . She was not able to attend college but she did share her knowledge and love of reading with the children in the small community school . This story was verified by her niece , Retha Callender Hassell . Family tradition tells of Alice loving to read so much she would hold a book in one hand while churning butter with the other . It was her belief in the value of a good education that encouraged her sons and daughters to pursue college studies . One of the last things that she did before her death was to remind the family that she had put $ 100 to pay for Ruth 's music lessons in a safe place . Living as the family did in isolated Walker County it was necessary that Grandmother Alice serve as nurse for a good number of people . Whether the skills came naturally to her or because of necessity we do not know but she took care of those who needed her . Vernon McAdams related the story of her prescription for a cough . The crystals formed in the bottom of the barrel used to store sugar cane syrup were mixed with whiskey to make a cough syrup . Since her husband refused to have any alcohol about the place she would get the older boys to purchase a pint of whiskey for her use when they took the cattle to be sold . In spring time she dosed everyone with her special blend of sulfur and molasses to keep them healthy . After the move to Bedias she continued her role as nurse for the family in her house and the other McAdams families who lived near - by . According to Alete Thompson Wafer there were many nights when Grandmother Alice was called to tend a sick child . Since shopping in Bedias had its limitations it was necessary for Grandmother Alice to use another of her skills to provide clothing for the family . She sewed on her old pedal machine making dresses and shirts for her daughters and sons from material purchased at Williamson & McAdams Store . In the winter months when there was more time she practiced more creative needlework in the form of knitting , crochet and embroidery as well as quilt making . The dread influenza epidemic of World War I spread through the area and Grandmother Alice contracted the disease . Her kidneys suffered damage and , as antibiotics were yet to be discovered , the effects took their toll . On December 18 , 1918 she died at the age of fifty years . Just a month before , she wrote her last letter to her daughter , Mary , who was living in Flynn and unable to travel because of pregnancy problems . Pearl , who is mentioned in the letter , is the wife of Carl McAdams . Pearl had traveled with her small children from her Walker County home by wagon to help take care of her step - mother - in - law during her last weeks . There are few photographs of Grandmother Alice for us to see so for many of us she has been only a name . This is one of the reasons this small collection of stories has been put together with love . Despite her early death this quiet , blue eyed lady has had an influence on all our lives . Her name lives with her grand daughter , Marilyn Alice McAdams Sibley , and her common sense philosophy and fundamental beliefs in a good education were passed on through her children to their children and grandchildren . Grandpa was tall , maybe six feet and he never wore glasses , that I remember . He died on Dec . 28 , 1935 , of pneumonia when he was 90 and if penicillin had been discovered at the time , he probably would have lived to be 100 . He always carried his newspaper around with him and I can remember going to visit on Sunday afternoons and finding Grandma and Grandpa sitting on the back porch . Grandma would read every line of the newspaper to Grandpa , so maybe he did need glasses , but she had been a school teacher and reading out loud came natural to her . Now Grandpa liked to drink a cup of hot water , that 's right , hot water for breakfast ! And Grandpa certainly didn 't like liquor or those who drank it . During the time of prohibition , there was a lot of making of " moonshine " in the backwoods and this did not sit well with Grandpa , at all ! You see , my great , great , grandfather , who was Grandpa 's grandfather , Rev . John McAdams , Sr . , came to Texas in 1834 , from Tennessee . As I remember hearing about it , he was a great friend of Sam Houston , who urged him to bring his family to Texas . He was a minister and his son , John Jr . , helped him bring the word of the Lord to this new territory . So Grandpa came by these feelings rightly and those who broke the law were bad people ! And those who bought that " moonshine " were sinners ! Did I ever tell you how the McAdams cemetery got started ? Well , Grandpas ' mother , Hester White McAdams , my great , grandmother , was the first person to be buried in the McAdams cemetery . She was quite young when she died in 1849 , but she had picked the spot where she wanted to be buried . I believe that they were out walking on a sunny afternoon and she said , " John , when I die , I wan t to be buried under this huge hickory tree . " Her words were inscribed on her head stone . Now Grandpa also had two sets of children . He and Jennie were married on Feb . 19 , 1874 . They had six children : Clara , Alice , Carl , Edgar , John Robin ( who died by accident at the age of 3 ) , and Frank , who was only 4 months old when their mother , Jennie , died on Oct . 24 , 1886 at the young age of 33 . Clara was 12 and Alice was 10 , so they took over the care of the little boys with the help of Jennie 's brother , William Edgar Robbins ( Uncle Edgar ) and his wife , Judy Elizabeth ( Aunt Betty ) , until Grandpa remarried 6 years later . Both Clara and Alice were old enough to know what was happening when Grandpa went " courting " ! He would write a " love note " to Miss Alice to ask if he could ride the 8 or 10 miles over to see her , for she was teaching school in Grimes county and his ranch was in Walker county . She agreed to marry Grandpa with his 5 children and they were married on Jan . 22 , 1892 . All Grandpa 's first children called her , " Miss Alice " . She was a kind and wonderful lady and they all loved her and got along well together . Miss Alice and Grandpa had 6 children who were : Mary , Horace , Era , Joe , Vernon , and Ruth . Grandma Alice died of pneumonia when I was about 15 , and by then , we all were living very close together in Bedias . So she must have been about 50 years old then and she had lived through the 1914 influenza epidemic that killed so many people . Ina May lost two of her uncles during that awful time . Grandpa was born and grew up in the John McAdams house . This was the house that Ina May and I gave to Marilyn , which she and Sibley have restored beautifully for their home . Living out in the country , grandpa 's schooling consisted of very little more than reading , writing , and arithmetic . So , in turn , Grandpa 's first set of children who also lived on the ranch in Walker county , went through the fifth or sixth grade in the little one teacher school nearby . But , Grandpa wanted Edgar , my father , to have a better education , so he sent him to Madisonville to school . Papa lived with one of our kinfolk , Uncle Bud Price , who had a saddle shop and a nice house . After 2 or 3 months , Papa talked Grandpa into letting him take his horse back to school . I don 't remember what happened , but Papa decided to leave school , so he rode his horse home ! And Grandpa didn 't make him go back ! As I recall , all of Grandpa 's children , both the first and second set , were born on the ranch . But , because Grandma had been a teacher , she wanted her children to have more education than the little one teacher school could provide . So , Grandpa moved the family into Bedias , which is in Grimes county , when the older ones of the second set of children needed more schooling . Some of my uncles were not much older than I was , and after we moved to Bedias , we were always together . Grandpa was their father , but he was my grandfather and I always respected him . I don 't ever remember him telling a joke and I knew that he was the " head " of the family . There were several Negro families who lived in little houses and worked on the ranch . I remember that for several years , my dad , Edgar , was in charge of their work with the cotton crop . Grandpa had a syrup mill to make syrup and there was one of the Negro men who was an expert at making syrup . That good sugar cane syrup was a favorite of my brother , G . B . When he was so little that he couldn 't even say biscuit . . . he would say , " want a bicket with a hole in the middle " , which meant taking one of Mama 's delicious biscuits , poking a hole in the center with your finger and filling the hole with that wonderful syrup ! Grandpa also had a cotton gin and a grist meal . On certain days of the week , they would do the ginning for his cotton and that of the neighbors . Corn would be brought to the grist mill to be made into cornmeal for that wonderful cornbread which we all loved . After Grandma Alice died , Grandpa would often come to the ranch to stay with us , just to get away from town . During the hog roundup , all the boys would gather the wild hogs , who were fat from the big acorn crop and put them on the train to ship to Ft . Worth . Hogs were one of our cash crops and Grandpa and the boys would kill and scald 15 - 20 hogs in the fall . I can remember how Grandpa would say . . . " this one is yours and this one is yours " . . . to all the men . Cattle were also shipped on the train to Ft . Worth and it was necessary for someone to go with the livestock to see about them on the trip to market . After Grandpa no longer wanted to make the trip , my uncles would take turns going to see about the cows and hogs and to bring the money back to Grandpa . So they all knew where Ft . Worth was ! When I was about 20 years old and I had finished teaching school in Lynn Grove near Navasota , I was home helping Papa finish the cotton crop . Grandpa came for a visit . He had sold some of his land , so he had a little money and he asked me what I wanted to do with myself ? I said that if I had about $ 100 , I would go to West Texas to school for six weeks . I had completed two years of school at Sam Houston and I had my teaching certificate . But I didn 't want to teach school and I was at loose ends . Grandpa asked , " Kelly , how much do you think it would take ? " and I thought I could do it on $ 100 . So Grandpa replied , " You get ready and I 'll lend you that $ 100 ! " So I bought a trunk , took my letter sweater that I had earned from playing baseball at Sam Houston and got on the train to go to Canyon in northwest Texas for school . It wasn 't long before I knew the $ 100 would soon play out , so I got me a little job shoveling coal at 25 cents per hour . They didn 't have any wood in the area , so coal was used to heat the boilers . That got me through the six weeks of school . Then I got a job at the Schaffer Ranch . It was a big ranch on 23 sections of land . Mr . Schaffer had made his money in Oklahoma selling liquor , so he came down to Texas and bought him a ranch and now he was building a fine house even with a " flush bath " instead of a toilet ! I lived in the bunkhouse with the 24 other workers . I was always up by daylight and I was a good worker . Mr . Schaffer liked me and wanted me to stay on after the house was finished , and to continue to work for him . He let all the others go , but he needed one man to stay and he wanted me ! While I was working for Mr . Schaffer , I had my 21st birthday ! As I recall , I was so sure of myself on that day that I challenged every man on the crew to try to whip me . I guess that since it was my birthday , they must have liked me enough to let me get away with it because not one of them took me up on my challenge ! Well , it was beginning to get cold and snow and Papa wrote that Mama missed me and wanted me to come home . Gayle was 16 , Robbie Lee was 12 , Bob was little , and Papa said that Mama was going into menopause and wasn 't feeling good . She wanted me to come home ! But Papa wasn 't right about Mama , because Margaret was born after that ! So I came home and got a teaching job at a three teacher school at Liberty Springs . Grandpa had shown that he had faith in me and I sure wasn 't going to let him down . I paid Grandpa back $ 25 each month from my teaching salary . I think that I was the only grandchild that Grandpa ever loaned any money to . And I paid him back ! My next job was as superintendent in Shepherd at $ 175 per month , where I met and married Ina May . When Kelly Roy was born , I was again teaching at Liberty Springs . I stayed at that salary until I went to teach Vocational Agriculture at Caldwell , where I received $ 200 per month . By then , both Ina May and I had our degrees and Caldwell could pay $ 100 and through the Smith - Hughes Act , I would receive another $ 100 from the government . Grandpa inherited land from his father and added to that land many times over because Grandpa did a lot of looking around for better land . He always hoped for a more healthy location for his family . Mosquitoes were always a problem , causing malaria . And Grandpa was always worried about the rough and lawless people who lived in this backwoods area . I remember him talking about a murderer who had killed two men in their warehouse , right behind their store . Well , there was a lot of controversy about the whole matter and the trial was moved out of the county to Caldwell . There , the accursed man had been set free ! Grandpa had heard that the Sinton area had a better climate . I think that his sister lived there and he thought about moving his entire family out of Walker county . So he went to Sinton to look for some good farm land . But , he returned with the story that the bugs were so bad that they ate the legs right off of the tables ! He must have been referring to termites ! He did find some land to his liking in Blue Ridge , near Houston , which he bought , but he did not move the family there . And , this land he later sold , but when oil and gas was found on it he was very upset for he had not been aware of the value of its minerals , so after that , he always held on to his minerals . With the exception of his giving tracts of his land to his children , the children received both the land and minerals . I can remember when I was about 10 , riding our horses with Grandpa , Papa and my uncles to look for cattle . We came to an area where there was little vegetation and Grandpa wanted us to see a gas seep . He had an old cone shaped object , probably part of an old gramophone , with him and said , " Boys , make a little mound out of the earth and place the cone over it " . He said gas was leaking out of the ground . Well , he lighted a match at the small end of the cone . . . and it burned . . . not a lot , but it did burn ! So , Grandpa always knew that there was gas and oil on his land ! During Grandpa 's lifetime , he accumulated 5 , 151 acres of land . These lands were divided equally among his 13 children . Grandpa made his wishes known that the 13 acre tract along with his home , he wanted to go to his daughter , Era , for living with him and taking care of him in his old age .
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One of the couples that we met at Faith 's Lodge lost their first baby , James , because of preterm labor at 23 weeks gestation . They had struggled with infertility , but finally conceived him only to loose him . I found out about a two and a half weeks ago that they were 23 weeks pregnant , and was overjoyed for them ! They 'd lost James about 11 months ago , and were now expecting their Rainbow Baby . Only to find out a week and a half later that Josephine was born , lived a short three and a half days , then went to be with her big brother , and Danielle ( and Ashton , David , Drew , & Sprout . . . the other babies that we met through their parents at Faith 's Lodge ) . I knew I had to go out and be there for both of them at her funeral , as soon as I found out . I got in touch with the other parents and we got them a rock to put in James 's memorial garden for Josie . On Thursday , I made the drive out to Madison with Nora and stayed with one of my friend 's from college . ( I debated on whether or not to bring Nora , as I understood it would be hard on my friends , but logistically we couldn 't make it work - Adam works at 3am , and it would be difficult to find someone to watch her , plus I am breastfeeding her . ) I left our house Thursday around noon , loaded Nora and our stuff in the car and said goodbye to Adam . I got in the car and started it , and the radio turned on . It was about halfway though the song , but I knew Danni was looking down on us as I listened to the rest of If I Die Young by The Band Perry . ( Just a couple of weeks ago I went to work on Danni 's scrapbook at mom and dad 's house , which I hadn 't worked on in months . I was downstairs by myself listening to the radio , and the song came on then too . ) It is a song that always makes me think of her , and lately it 's been coming on the radio at the most appropriate times , like it did just then . Friday morning was Josie 's funeral . Ashton 's mom also made it to the funeral , and was kind enough to watch Nora for me while I talked to Josie 's parents . They had an open tiny casket for her , with a blanket wrapped around her , and a few toys for her . She looked to tiny and frail , but I managed to hold it together , not for too long though . When I looked through all of her pictures , and saw her parents reading a story to her and showing her a picture of her tiny big brother , I started to get all teared up . As I was flipping the pages , one of Josie 's great aunts started looking as I flipped though . One of the photo pockets held her neonatal shades . She looked a little confused , and I explained that some of the lights they use to keep them warm and healthy is hard on their eyes , so they put on these shades . We struck up a small conversation and I explained that I met Josie 's parents at Faith 's Lodge and had lost a daughter myself , but I couldn 't image the pain of losing two children . Ashton 's mom couldn 't stay for the funeral service , as she had to pick up her daughters . I stayed , despite Nora 's fussiness . But , once I put her in the Moby wrap , she was content and dozed in and out , so I was able to stay . After the luncheon , I said goodbye to James & Josie 's parents and gave them both a big hug , from me , from Adam , and from David 's parents ( David 's mom wanted to carpool out with me , but wasn 't able to make it ) . Nora had her 2 - month check - up today . . . that means shots . I was curious to see if she 'd be like her Daddy & big sister , Danni , and not care , or if she 'd be a big baby about it , ( yes , I 'll admit it ! ) like her Momma . Turns out she 's a big baby ( more than me even ! ) . Adam held her leg while the nurse gave her her shots . I tried to distract her , but it didn 't work . Now , I can listen to her cry at home for no apparent reason , but it broke my heart to see her cry , or maybe I should say scream , when she got her shots . Maybe , because I feel her pain ! Another note about her doctor visit . . . she 's at the 88th percentile for height , and the 40th percentile for weight for her age . Which for height versus weight , puts her at the 0 . 9th percentile . So she 's tall like her Daddy , but skinny like her Momma ! After we lost Danni , I could hold it together in most public settings . There was one that I couldn 't , and I lost it several times : Baptisms . I don 't know why it was this event that always set me off , but it seemed that right after we lost her , we always ended up at the mass & church with one or more babies being Baptized . ( We were trying to find a new church , so we kind of hopped from church to church each weekend . ) Most of the time I could hold it together enough to sit in the pew and ( somewhat ) inconspicuously wipe my tears away . ( Of course , Adam always noticed ) . But I remember once at St . John Neumann , Adam taking me out of church and sitting in the lobby on a couch crying for most of the rest of mass . With Eleanor 's Baptism approaching , I wasn 't sure how I would handle it . We had been to a couple Baptisms ( for family & for stangers ) , and I was just fine . But when it 's your Rainbow Baby , it 's a little different . I wasn 't sure if I 'd cry for the joy of being able to Baptize her normally , or sadness because we didn 't get to have a normal Baptism for Danielle . Surprisingly , I didn 't cry at all . I had a huge smile on my face and was so happy to be able to celebrate this sacrament with Eleanor , but no tears ! When I was pregnant with both Danielle and Eleanor , I was so excited to be done with pregnancy . But after giving birth , I missed being pregnant . ( Talk about a catch - 22 . ) With Danielle , the main reason was that when she was inside me , she was alive , and I knew she was . I was keeping her alive and safe . With Eleanor , I have found other reasons to miss being pregnant , and I wanted to list them here , so that next time around I can come back and read all of the joyous things about being pregnant that you really don 't get once the child is born , so that I 'm not so anxious to have the baby . I 'm sure I 'll keep adding to it as time goes , but here 's a start . . . I can 't remember now if it was Sunday night or Monday night , but either way , I woke up feeling some contractions . They weren 't that bad , and I was able to fall asleep right away after each one . But after I felt a couple , I thought I better start timing them . So I grabbed a little piece of paper from my dresser and a pencil from Adam 's , and set them on the bed next to me with my cell phone . I wasn 't really timing how long each one lasted , but I was timing how long between each one . Times varied , but they were between 10 and 15 minutes apart . I was getting excited , as I thought that we might be heading to the hospital later that day . But I knew that I should try to sleep , as I would need the energy later to push her out of me . Eventually , we got up for the day and I told Adam I was having contractions throughout the night . As we got up and started the day , my contractions pretty well stopped . Our bags were still in the car ( sans a couple things that we needed back in the house ) , but when we had gone in , we thought of a couple more things to add to it , so we threw them in as well . I told Adam that I didn 't think it was going to be today , but I wished it would be . We went to bed that night , and sure enough , I was woken up by contractions again . They still weren 't that bad , and I was able to just breath through them . I decided not to time them this time though , because I found I got less sleep when I was worrying about watching the clock . When we got up for the day again , my contractions slowed and stopped . Again , I knew that it wasn 't going to be today . This happened a couple more nights . Adam 's recording sheet Thursday morning though , they didn 't slow and actually got a little closer together . Some were even lasting more than a minute . My doula , Ashley , had left her birth ball for me to use at home . I made myself comfortable on the birth ball bouncing or rocking / rolling on it and set my laptop on one of our bar stools and messed around on the computer between and often during contractions . At this point I was very excited thinking that today might be the day . I would tell Adam when I felt one starting and he would write down the time and I would watch the second hand on the mantel clock ( we got it from my Aunt Carla as a wedding gift ) and let him know how long it lasted . They ranged from 5 minutes to 12 minutes apart . After an hour of timing , we took a break . I texted Ashley and told her the timing and how I was doing . She told me to start timing again if I felt they were getting " longer , stronger , & closer together . " Around 3pm I told Adam that they seemed to be going away again , so he timed a couple , and sure enough they were about 20 minutes apart . At some point during the day , we were invited over to Joshua & Macey 's for dinner and a game of Catan with them , Matt , Dave , & Theresa . I wasn 't sure if I wanted to go if I was still having contractions , as they were getting stronger than the ones I was having in the middle of the night . I eventually decided we could go , because I figured it wouldn 't be tomorrow either , and that my body would just keep playing mean tricks on me . Matt of course wanted to squeeze her out of me , and everyone was hoping I would have her soon . I told them I was having contractions during the day for a change , but they weren 't getting " longer , stronger , and closer together . " Adam had brought the birth ball with , because it was more comfortable for me to sit on , so we ate dinner ( me on the birth ball , rolled up to the table ) and played Catan . Every once in a while I would have a contraction . Some were worse than others . I remember at one point , asking Dave a question about some rule of the game or something , and he answered me . I had no idea what he said because a contraction had started , but I looked at him the whole time nodding my head like I understood . The game went way later than any of us had expected and we ended up leaving at 11pm . We quickly crawled in bed and went to sleep when we got home . Of course , I was woken up with contractions again . This time I would rub my belly and breath through them . They were starting to feel like the really bad period cramps I would get once in a while in middle school and high school ( when I would have to get sent home , because they were so bad ) . Just before 1am , my contractions woke Adam up . I hadn 't been paying attention to the clock at all still , thinking that they weren 't that close together or anything . But , Adam started timing them , and pushing on my lower back when I was having one . After about an hour of timing , Adam told me that we should go in , they were 5 minutes apart , and some were even 3 minutes apart . Having not really slept much yet , I was hesitant to get out of bed , but I knew he was right in saying that it was time to go in . Adam put in his contacts and got dressed . I grabbed my contacts , but wore my glasses and got dressed . The car ride there wasn 't as bad as I thought it would be , it wasn 't comfortable sitting strapped into the seat , but it was manageable . I texted Ashley and told her we were heading in , she said that she would meet us there . We got to the emergency room door and the nurse offered me a wheelchair , and I declined , I felt better standing . We waited for Adam to park the car and she brought us up the elevator , telling me , " Oh hunny , we 'll get you that epidural , and you 'll be fine ! " ( I 'm glad she didn 't work on the maternity floor ! ) We officially signed into the hospital at 1 : 45am and were brought to our room . I will say that I had absolutely no concept of time at all until they told me what time she was born . Ashley arrived shortly after we got there , and then Adam went out to get our bags and stuff . I gave the nurse my birth plan , and was hooked up to the IV ( I needed an antibiotic since I tested positive for Group B Strep ) and monitors . Originally , I was told they would do an initial hour of monitoring , and then do it periodically throughout labor . Apparently , they needed my doctor to sign off on that , so I was hooked up to the monitors the whole time . When the nurse put the IV in , before she started the saline , she drew some blood so that I wouldn 't have to get stuck again later . Well , that didn 't work out as planned , because later a lab tech came in and said she needed to draw my blood . I told her the nurse did it when she put in the IV , but she said she needed more for blood typing or something . I told her only my left arm ( the veins in my right suck ) . So she came around to my left side , and tried to grab my arm in the middle of a contraction . I said wait , but she wrapped the rubber band around without waiting . Once the contraction was over I grabbed a pillow to prop up my arm , and she got more impatient , after wiping my arm with the alcohol wipe for the second time . Then another contraction started and she tried to take my blood during it , but I pulled away , and she got kind of pissed . Finally , she took it and wiggled the needle around to find a vein . This is the only time during labor that I started crying . Not only did she leave a bruise on my arm , but there was a welt as well . I wish we remembered her name , as when I told a couple of the nurses about it later , they wanted to know who . They said most lab techs are smart enough to not draw blood during a contraction . Later , they did hook me up to the portable monitors , so I was able to move around more . Adam and Ashley helped me labor in different positions . We went for a short walk around the hallways , I sat on the birth ball , leaned over the ball on the bed , and other positions . At every contraction Adam and sometimes Ashley would push on my back ( I was having some back labor and it felt amazing ! ) . At one point , I decided that I just needed to sit onAdam later told me that they all thought I was delirious , and that one of the nurses commented that she " does this 5 days a week , but has never seen anyone this exhausted . " Ashley and Adam had been trying to get me into another position to help labor progress , but I wasn 't having it . They suggested laying down , but the contractions hurt more if I was laying down or even leaning back . So I continued to rock and rub my belly with my eyes still closed . Eventually , a nurse ( I believe Jessica , but really have no idea ) got me to change positions . She moved the head of the bed so it was almost straight up and had me kneel and lean over it . Adam kneeled behind me and would continue pushing on my back during contractions . I used him as support to keep me from crumpling down , as I could barely muster the energy to hold myself up on the edge of the bed . I told Adam after a little bit in this new position ( in what I thought was a perfectly clear sentence , but was apparently more mumbles that he managed to understand ) that I didn 't think I would have the energy to push her out and that I thought I should have an epidural . Adam talked to the nurse for me and told her what I had said . She said that we would try Fentenol ( which is one of the drugs in an epidural ) in my IV first . It would relieve some of the pain for a little bit and let me get some rest , but they would only give me two doses , because it would loose its effectiveness . We agreed to try that out and try to avoid the epidural . Once it went into my IV , I almost immediately felt relaxed . We got the bed almost completely flat and I laid on my side to rest . I could still feel the contractions , but they felt like they did the first night I started early labor , so I was easily able to rest my body . I didn 't fall asleep , and could hear everything going on around me , but had no ambition to participate . When Adam would walk in the room , I would open my eyes to find him , so he decided to spend most of his time in the waiting room with my mom , in hopes of letting me get more rShe gave me the second dose , and when I could feel that start to wear off , I asked if I could have another dose . She said she had already given me the second . So I asked for the epidural . I don 't know how long I had rested for , but I knew I still had so little energy . Apparently , Adam had already filled out all the paperwork ( sans my signature ) for the epidural while I was still on the first dose of Fentenol . I remember that I was sitting when I signed the papers , but I don 't remember sitting up at all . ( Maybe this part is a little fuzzy . ) But I remember them telling me that they needed me to sign the papers , and I didn 't respond the first time , because I knew that Adam would sign them for me . They asked me again , and I was kind of cranky about it and snatched the pen and signed my initials ( it was quicker than my whole name ) . I didn 't realize at that time that Adam couldn 't actually sign my name for me , but he could fill out all the rest . Once I had signed the paper , the nurse said she could call down to have an anesthesiologist to come up and give me the epidural . But she said I needed to sit up on the edge of the bed before she called . Well sitting was great before , but now that the Fentenol was in my system , I was relaxed and so tired from my lack of sleep . I said that I would sit up as soon as he / she got there to give me the epidural . But she told me they liked me to be ready before the come up , because they are very busy down there . Well , after a couple minutes , I won that argument . She called down , and said that I lucked out , because the anesthesiologist that was coming up was one of the few that liked his patients laying down when he gave the epidural . So they had me scoot as close to the edge of the bed as I could and curl up in the fetal position as best I could around my pregnant belly . When he got there I was all set . He gave me two shots to numb the area . I kind of felt one , but it wasn 't that bad . I think the Fentenol was still working a little , but I could feel my contractions . ( He was smart enough to do it between contractions , unlike that overnight lab tech ! ) I didn 't feel him put the epidural in my back at all , but soon felt almost no contractions at all . The epidural worked on everything but my left hip area . I was laying on my right side at that point , and wondered if it was because the drug just wasn 't flowing up far enough . Eventually , I rolled over and slowly started to feel the " nothing " feeling go down through my hip , but then the contractions feeling started to grow in my right hip . Though , it wasn 't quite as bad as it had been in my left hip . The nurse did a cervical check in the middle of my roll . I was at 9 cm and my water hadn 't broken yet . She said by the time Dr . Mahan got there I should be ready to push , and they would break my water then if it hadn 't already broken . When they had me roll over again later I had the " nothing " feeling everywhere from my ribs down . Other than the two times I rolled over and the cervical check , it was pretty uneventful until it was time to push , as I dozed through most of it getting rest , so I could push out our baby . Eventually , Dr . Mahan arrived and was ready to break my water , but it had already broken on it 's own . She also found meconium in the fluid , so they were ready to suction her out if she didn 't start breathing right away ( meaning her lungs were clear , and none had gotten in there ) . Somewhere along the lines , my mother found her way into the room , but was in the way near the door , so the " baby nurses " asked her to move to another corner of the room . They got the bed all set up ( more like taken apart , actually ) and wanted me to move my legs to the sides . I could move them , but had no control over where they went ( it was kind of like how a newborn flails his arms and legs , but really has no control over precise movement ) . Ashley helped me on the left , and Adam on the right . They held my legs , and I grabbed my " knee pits " to help pull myself to curl around my tummy to push . Then we waited for a contraction . If I hadn 't had been hooked up to the monitors , we may still be waiting . There was a resounding yes , and both Dr . Mahan and Jessica were impressed that I felt absolutely nothing . So between Dr . Mahan watching the baby 's head , and Jessica watching the monitors , I was told when I was having a contraction and started pushing each time . For the first push , I wasn 't really sure how I could do it , since I didn 't have much control over the lower part of my body , but somehow you just know what to do . I grabbed my knees and curled around my pregnant belly and " pushed like I was pooping " ( that 's how the nurse that taught our labor class with Danni described it and she was right on ! ) I don 't remember how many times I pushed , but I remember asking Adam how much of her head he could see . Most of the time the answer was just hair on the top of her head , so I started asking if he could see her ears yet . At one point Dr . Mahan asked if I wanted to reach down and touch her head . I knew that this was an option during birth ahead of time , but I really had no desire to , so it wasn 't in my birth plan . But when you 've been in labor and you 're so anxious to meet your baby , you 'll take what you can get ! So I reached down and touched her head . I could feel a ridge , which was the plates of her skull , and made a joke about her being a Klingon baby , not Adam 's . I pushed , I don 't know how many more times , but at 2 : 39pm Eleanor Elisabeth was born ! With my last push her head came all the way out , and her shoulders and the rest of her body slide out without an extra push . She cried right away , so I took the gown that I had draped over my chest off and they placed her on my bare chest . ( Adam and I talked later about how we didn 't cry this time when she was born . With Danni , we both teared up when we heard her cry , and Adam stood up to see his first - born daughter over the drape . We both agreed that we were both so worried about her well - being and health that it was such a relief to hear her cry . With Eleanor , we weren 't as worried , so it wasn 't quite as emotional . ) The nurse came and put a blanket over her and I , and later put a hat on her head . I let her kick / crawl around on my chest , and she found my breast and latched on . It was slightly painful , as she didn 't have a proper latch , but such a wonderful feeling to hold my second little baby girl ! I kept holding her and adoring her the whole time with not a care in the world . Of course , I still couldn 't feel anything , like the contractions that were still coming to expel the placenta . Though , I did feel something kind of strange in my tummy , but I had my healthy daughter on my chest to adore and love , so I didn 't care what it was that I was feeling . I later found out that the weird feeling in my tummy was actually Dr . Mahan 's hand inside my uterus . Apparently , my placenta wasn 't detaching , and I was loosing more blood than she liked . So Dr . Mahan reached inside and took the placenta out herself . The next day I had a blood draw to check my iron levels , since I had lost a lot of blood . It was low , but not low enough to need a transfusion . So they put me on an iron supplement . Eventually , Erin ( the nurse we met the first time we went into the hospital ) , took her to do check on her and make sure she was doing okay . Before she weighted her , she asked if there were any guesses as to her weight . I guessed that she weighted less than Danni , because she was skinnier . Danni weighted 6 pounds , 13 ounces , but as you can see , I was wrong . Eleanor kicked me a lot harder , and didn 't look to have much body fat on her , so I figured since muscle weights more than fat , that 's why she out - weighted her big sister . Eventually , Adam let my mom hold her . Of course , Grandma Denise was more than thrilled to hold her second little granddaughter for the first time ! She just kept talking to her and pointing out little features about her . ( Like her wrinkled little hands , that looked like Great - Grandma Eleanor 's ! ) My mom didn 't hold her for too long , because it was time to give her a bath . Adam and mom stood right next to her watching and taking pictures the whole time , but Adam didn 't want to give her a bath ( he still hasn 't given her a bath , but he does get her dried off and dressed after I take a bath with her ! ) She did not like her first bath until the nurse swaddled her in a towel . Then she was a much happier newborn . I don 't remember at what point my epidural came out , but it did . And , like with the spinal from the c - section with Danni , it took a little longer than usual to wear off . Two nurses tried to help me to the bathroom , but decided to wait until I had more feeling in my legs . But they helped me move me to a wheel chair , and had us switch rooms to a quieter area , so that I could get some much needed rest . Later that evening , we had several visitors . The first of which was Auntie Jacque , Uncle Corey , and Cousin Addy . Auntie Jacque and Addy sang Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star to Eleanor . A little while later , Grandpa Mike and Great - Aunt Melodie came to visit . Eleanor Elisabeth was named after my Grandma Eleanor , and Adam 's mom , Elisabeth , who died not quite a month before she was born . Grandpa Mike got teary - eyed when he met his newest little granddaughter . While Grandpa Mike was still here , Grandma Denise came back and brought Grandpa Jack to meet Eleanor . He was already picking on her , and she wasn 't even a day old ! But , she didn 't seem to mind , she just kept sleeping away . Last , but not least , that day , the Richter clan came to meet Eleanor . Auntie Becky went to pick up Eleanor , and almost threw her up in the air . She wasn 't use to holding such a small baby , since Cousin Spencer was two months old and out - weighted her at birth . . It was a long day for all three of us , and we were all very tired . The plan was for Adam to stay both nights in the hospital with us . ( After Adam almost went home the night before Danni died , we had decided that with our next child Adam would stay the whole time . ) But , he told me that he was very tired , and wanted to go home to get a decent night 's sleep , since he wouldn 't really be able to now that the baby was here . I told him he could do what he wanted , but expressed my desire for him to stay with us , and reminded him how much less sleep I 'd gotten in the past week than he had . He went home for the night promising to get up with the baby every time the next night . Adam and I went in yesterday , for what I hope , was our last appointment . It was with Dr . Mahan , so now Adam has met all the docs at Comprehensive as well . She went over again , like Dr . Tumaneng did last week , signs of labor , when to go in , and that sort of thing . She listened to baby 's heart rate , which was 150 bpm . I asked her how big she thought the baby was , and she estimated between 6 1 / 2 and 7 pounds . ( Just like her big sister ! ) Then she did an internal exam . . . UGH ! Now that I 've had a couple , and two of them by Dr . Mahan , I can say that hers are the most painful . In fact , Adam commented after she left , " That sounded like it hurt ! " ( Yeah , ya think ! ) She said that baby is still at the + 1 station , I 'm 70 % effaced , and 1 cm dilated . She suggested we make another appointment for next week , just in case . So on our way out we did . When we got into the car , I told Adam I was glad to hear that I am starting to dilate , but I really don 't think it was worth finding out ! Then after dinner , we had our last prenatal visit with my doula , Ashley . She came over and brought her birth ball for me to borrow . She showed us some different positions to labor in , different ways Adam could help comfort me , different places he could apply pressure on my back and hips to help relieve pain . I think Adam will be a great labor support , especially with Ashley there to support both of us ! So we haven 't been really good about taking belly pictures , and I haven 't been good at all about posting them . So for your viewing pleasures , here 's two that I haven 't posted yet . I should probably get one last one before this little girl arrives ! Adam and I went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday 's with a friend who is visiting from out of state on Saturday evening . I was uncomfortable sitting in the booth and kept shifting to try to get comfortable . When we stood up to leave , I thought that I may have felt my water break . I wasn 't sure , and I didn 't have contractions really , so just ignored it until we got home . When we got home , we started getting ready for bed ( at this point it was about 7 : 30 pm ) , and I told Adam . He Googled it on his phone to see if we could figure out if it really had or not , but we couldn 't really tell . He suggested that I call the hospital to see what they had to say . We got there about 8pm , and got checked in . Erin , the same nurse that I talked to on the phone , hooked me up to the monitors , and did an internal exam . I told her that last Tuesday I was 60 % effaced , and the baby was in a + 1 position . She checked and said that the baby was very low , and asked how I managed to walk . But , she couldn 't reach my cervix to see how effaced I was or if I was dilated , because it was behind baby 's head . So she said she would be right back with a " long - fingered friend " who might be able to check . A few minutes later , she came back with her " long - fingered friend " and she could tell that I was still about 60 % effaced , but said she couldn 't reach to see if I was dilated without making me really uncomfortable . So we decided that was good enough . Erin asked if we would like to be monitored for an hour , and then we could go from there . I agreed . I flipped on the TV and flipped through the channels until I found a channel with NCIS on . So Adam and I sat and watched . I wasn 't really feeling any contractions , but was getting uncomfortable , so decided to sit up . Not too long after that Erin showed up at the door and said , " Oh you 're sitting up ! Lay back down . " I guess the heart rate monitor was picking up my heart rate , not baby 's and she got nervous . I laid back down , and her heart rate was picked up again , and all was good . Around 9 pm , Erin came back in and looked at the printout from the monitors . She said that all was looking good , and that we could go home if we like . So she had me sign some papers , and off we went . I just got a phone call from Comprehensive . When I saw it on the caller ID on my phone , I thought it was a little early to get the reminder phone call for my appointment next Tuesday . When an actual person responded when I said , hello , I was a little shocked ( they have an automated thing that calls to remind you about appointments ) , and wondered what was wrong , what they found in my chart or something . Turns out Dr . Tumaneng was " Googling " her name and stumbled across my blog . ( I have to say that takes dedication , because I just tried " Googling " her name a couple different ways and didn 't come up with this blog on the first 8 or so pages , so I gave up ! ) I guess she had read my last post about trying to make sure the car seat is installed properly and she had Heather call me and let me know about their Welcome Baby Care program that will check them . I 'm not sure if they charge or not , but I have an appointment with the police department to get it all checked out ! We had another appointment with Dr . Tumaneng on Tuesday , and all went well . She asked if I had been having any contractions . I told her I had been having Braxton - Hicks and I thought I had had an actual contraction the other night , but it was just one , so probably not . I have been having those " I feel like I 'm going to get my period " cramps for a couple days , and then they started to turn into " I feel like I have my period " cramps . While we were at the cabin on Saturday , I believe I counted 5 - 6 Braxton - Hicks contractions . Of course , driving down a bumpy dirt road sure helped I 'm sure ! : ) She listened to baby 's heart rate and said it was between 125 - 130 bpm . Then she measured my tummy at 33 cm . I was kind of concerned , as I measured at 35 cm two weeks ago , but she said that it looks like baby has dropped , and that is probably why . When she did the internal exam , she said that baby had definitely dropped and was at a + 1 position , and that I was about 60 % effaced , but not dilated . I wish I had something to compare this to , but with Danni , I never had any of these measurements ( sans the heart rate ) . Though with Danni , I didn 't have any contractions either , so maybe she never engaged anyway . I then asked her about when they decide to schedule a c - section if I haven 't spontaneously gone into labor . I told her what Dr . Ledella had said last week at the ultrasound about scheduling one at 39 weeks , but she shook her head and disagreed . She said that they would let me go to 42 weeks at least , but they would probably order an ultrasound to check on baby 's well being . ( Which I 've heard many people who are " overdue " have had done . . . typically a biophysical profile and non - stress test , which I had plenty of with Danni . ) We had forgotten to print out our birth plan to go over with her , but since we had a copy in Google Docs , Adam was able to pull it up on his phone and scroll through it for her to read . I was happy to hear her say , " Yep , that 's what we normally do , " for just about everything on our plan . I think we are just about set to have her . We got pre - registered at the hospital , have our bags packed ( though I keep finding more stuff that I just need to have and adding it to our bag ) . We have the car seat in the car , however , on the way home from our appointment we stopped at the fire station to have it checked out . As we were walking in Fr . Bob was driving by and yelled hello out his window to Adam ( I 'm surprised he recognized us , as our parish is pretty large , though Adam mentioned that we have talked to him a couple times ) . When we got around the corner , I asked one of the firemen standing around if they were able to check car seat installment , but apparently our city isn 't able to , so he gave us a couple other places to check . So I think the only things we have left are to get the car seat checked , and to pick a pediatrician for her . Though , her room is still not finished ( what a horrible mother I am . . . it wasn 't finished for Danni either ! ) , and my mom said she would make a sheet for the bassinet we have , since we can 't seem to find any in the stores . So she has the bottom of our bassinet , and our baby girl won 't have a place to sleep until we get it back ! ( Hint , hint , mom , if you 're reading this ! ) : ) We went in for ( what should be ) our last ultrasound . Julie was our tech again . She measured baby 's fluids and got 13 . 4 cm ( even more than last week ! ) . She checked everything for a biophysical profile ( BPP ) as well , though she didn 't tell us what she scored . I assumed 8 out of 8 , since she didn 't say anything . Plus , I saw 3 out of the 4 things that they look for , and felt the fourth one ( a nice , good kick in the ribs ! ) . Baby was actually , I think , in a better position for a 3D , but I didn 't think to ask this time . Bummer . But we did get a couple 2D pictures of her . After the quick scan , Dr . Ledella came in and said everything looked good and that they wouldn 't need me to come in again . Then she said the first thing that made me not want her as my doc this time around . ( I will preface this with , if I had a high - risk pregnancy again , I would , without a doubt , go back to her in a heartbeat . But , for a normal pregnancy , I 'm glad she 's not my doc . ) She said , " If you don 't go into spontaneous labor by week 39 you 'll have to schedule another c - section , because they won 't induce you . " With all the reading and networking I 've done , that 's not necessarily true . Yes , they don 't like to induce you , as it greatly lessens your chances of having a successful VBAC . But , they will let me go longer than 39 weeks . One of my old co - workers was just allowed to go to 42 weeks before they scheduled her second c - section . Forty weeks is , by far , not out of the question , since that is supposed to be the length of a pregnancy . It was kind of discouraging to hear her say that , because now I 'm starting to worry what will happen if I don 't go into labor . I didn 't feel any contractions with Danielle before she was born . What if I don 't have any with this one either ? I don 't want to go under the knife again . It is a little encouraging that I think I have been starting to feel a few , very small , contractions , but I 've also heard that women have contractions like that throughout the third trimester , and still end up with a c - section . I just have to keep thinking positive thoughts ! I can do this ! The lady that did the massage didn 't introduce herself by name , so I don 't know what it is , but she was very nice . Since it is easiest to give a massage when a person is laying on their tummy , but pregnant ladies ( especially 2 1 / 2 weeks from their due date ! ) have a hard time laying doing that without squishing the baby and being very uncomfortable , she had a " belly bolster " to lay on . That alone , was quite comfortable ! I haven 't been able to lay on my tummy for quite some time . When she came back in she had a prop for my ankles too , making it even more comfortable . Since I only had a half hour ( I didn 't upgrade for a full hour for a cost ) , she said she would just do my neck , back , and legs . I was fine with that . I would have been happy with just my back ! Having never had a massage before , I didn 't really know what to expect , but it was amazing ! So relaxing ! Before I left for the appointment , I was thinking of maybe stopping at Target afterwards . I 'm so glad I decided against it . Afterward , she commented that I looked sleepy . I was so relaxed that I could have fallen asleep . In fact , last night , I slept better than I have in about 2 or 3 weeks ! One thing I learned though , was how to use hot rocks in massage . Adam and I got some for a wedding gift , and have tried to use them a couple times , but they didn 't work all that well . One time it kind of burned me . She used them to rub up and down my back and legs . The book that came with our hot rocks said to place them in certain spots on your back : that 's how they burned me . ( Adam took them off quick enough that I didn 't actually get burned , but it definitely wasn 't relaxing ! ) Today we had my 37 week appointment with the new doctor at Comprehensive , Dr . Nelson . When she came in the room , she didn 't bring her laptop in , didn 't have me undress for the internal exam , and said she does things a little differently than the rest of the docs there . She handed me my " present " ( a toiletries bag packed with the essentials ) , but said she couldn 't take credit for it . She first told me that my group B strep test came back positive , and asked if I knew what that meant . My sister - in - law had just been telling me about it a couple days ago , so I knew that it meant my hopes of not having an IV at all were dashed . They have to give me a dose of antibiotics while I am in labor so that I don 't pass it on to the baby . Then she asked if I wanted an internal exam . She didn 't find it necessary as they are rather uncomfortable , but said if I was curious she could do one . I agreed , they are uncomfortable , and opted not to have one . But she had me hop up on the table to listen to the baby 's heart . She was right about 125 bmp . She made a comment about how I was carrying low , and I replied that she still managed to sit in my stomach . Then I added that it was because her fluid levels were low . With that , she said she wanted to double check my chart , so went back out of the room . Then Dr . Nelson came back in and asked if I was getting another ultrasound for the fluid levels . I said yes , and explained that the levels were back up last week , and I was measuring bigger , so as long as the levels are good tomorrow they won 't make me come back for another one . She seemed to agree with that . Then I told her that I had two questions . I laughed and said the first one was because of him , as I pointed at Adam . I asked what she said I tested positive for , and she again said " group B strep . " I laughed again and said , " See told ya ! " Then explained to her that Adam thought she had said herpes strep , and she laughed too , and assured him that 's not what it was . The other question I had for her was about banking the baby 's cord blood . She said the lady that deals with that type of thing had already left for the day , but she would put a note on her desk for her to call me tomorrow . And off we went ! Last week , I had two appointments that I managed to get to between having people at our house ( okay , so it was while they were there ) , planning a funeral for my mother - in - law . On Tuesday , I had an OB check at Comprehensive , and on Wednesday an ultrasound to check her fluid levels at Perinatal . Since I didn 't have time to post about them last week , and I have another appointment this afternoon , I wanted to get the post written quick about last week . The OB check went well , and it was the first time I had ever gone to a prenatal appointment by myself ( weird , huh ? ) . I met Dr . Mahan , who I found I really liked . She asked if I was having contractions at all . I told her on the bottom half of my belly I would get cramps / contractions a little bit , but nothing more really . She checked baby 's heart rate , but I don 't remember what it was anymore . Then , she measured me . For 36 weeks , I measured at 35 cm ! Which was a big improvement from last time they measured me . Then she did my first ever prenatal internal exam = not comfortable ! I was 50 % effaced . And she did a quick test for Group B Strep , which she said I would hear the results of at my next appointment . ( There are so many new things this time around . I was never measured with Danielle , never had an internal exam , never checked for effacing , never tested for Group B Strep . . . ) I had a feeling on my way there that Krista would not be doing the ultrasound , and I was right . Julie , who I had seen a couple times with Danielle , did the ultrasound . She commented about how it had been a while since they 'd seen me . But I told her I was in just two weeks ago for a growth ultrasound , and found that her fluids were low . She checked the fluid levels , and found that they were at 12 - point - something cm . ( Remember , 8cm is the low end cut - off , and last time I was at 7 . 9 cm , so this is good too ! ) She had a full bladder again , but Julie said that sometimes what looks like a full bladder is actually an ovarian cyst . That kind of made me nervous , but she said that they disappear after the baby is born , as it 's usually caused by hormones from the mother . She turned on the Doppler , and said a vein and an artery going around the " blob , " and confirmed that it was indeed her bladder , not a cyst . Our little girl had her face pretty well hidden in there , but I asked Julie if it would still be possible to get a decent 3D of her . She pulled out the other wand , and was able to get half of her face , after she " cleaned it up " a bit . ( They can rotate the picture around and crop out " noise " around her , like umbilical cords and what - not . ) Adam thinks she has hair on top of her head , but I don 't think she has nearly the hair that her big sister had . I think she might just have some " peach fuzz " on her head . I guess we 'll find out soon ! On Sunday morning , July 17 , Adam and I went to church . I had made pasta salad to bring to a gathering at one of my old co - workers from Saint Bernard 's house . We were going to swing by home , change into " cooler " clothes ( since it was so blasted hot and humid ) , grab the pasta salad , and head out . But towards the end of mass , Adam got a phone call from his sister . During the recessional song , Adam walked out of church to check his voice mail from her . His mother had been battling cancer for a while , and we knew she wasn 't in the greatest of shape . His sister had been keeping us informed and updated on messages from their dad . For some reason , call it a gut feeling or mother 's intuition , I knew it wasn 't a good phone call . I stayed in church while the song finished , and chatted briefly with the two families that were sitting in front of us . ( I knew one from Boy Scouts , and the other was the kids ' cousins , whom lived down the street from us growing up , and I used to babysit ) . The mother from the Scout troop told me that Adam had a beautiful singing voice . I chuckled and said , " I know , sometimes I am ashamed to sing next to him ! " They asked when the baby was due and congratulated us ( again , I 'm sure ) . Then I quickly looked for Adam and headed out of church . He was already outside , and said that his sister , Jacque , had said that his mother , Beth , was back in the hospital ( which we had already known ) , and wasn 't looking good . Jacque said that they should all get to the hospital . I was fine heading out there with Adam to be with him and the family , but he insisted that I go to the picnic and have fun . So when we got home , we headed out in two different directions . Adam packed up my laptop in hopes that he would be able to work on his history final that was due on Monday . I told him , depending on how things were going there , I would come out later with food for dinner for all of them . At the picnic , all of my old co - workers ( many of whom had also been Adam 's and my teachers in high school ) asked where he was and how he was doing . I explained that his mom was battling cancer , and was in the hospital , not looking good . When I was getting ready to leave , I mentioned that I was going to head to the hospital , and bring them some food . Diane offered to pack up some food for us , so sent me with pasta salad and cherries for them . I called mom on my way home , and she said she would pick me up , stop by Cub to grab some chicken from the deli , and bring me to the hospital . While we were there , Adam called to update me . He said that the nurse had come in and talked to them . She had said that she thought that Beth would pass on tonight . Remembering how long my grandma hung on for , I thought we might be there for a while longer than what the nurse had mentioned . I grabbed a couple more things from home for us , and we headed out . Adam met me at the door and helped me carry up the food to the family waiting room . Then we went to Beth 's room . Jacque was sitting on one side of her , holding her hand , while Mike , Adam 's dad , was on the other . She was still relatively aware , but the drugs they had her on , made her process things a little slower . Throughout the evening and into the night , we came and went from her room to the family waiting room . At one point , the Catholic priest came to give Beth the sacrament of anointing of the sick . While we were all gathered around , she looked at me and made a spinning motion with her finger . I turned to the side , so she could see my baby bump , and she gave a small nod . The priest gave her the sacrament , while we were all gathered around . Just before midnight , some of us were in the family waiting room , when Jon came in and said that her heart rate was around 30 , and we should all come . We all went down the hall , me walking slower than everyone else , waddling , trying to keep up . We all stood around her ( minus me , I was sitting in a chair , not feeling well , just behind my husband ) , while she took her last few breaths . Jon , Adam 's oldest brother , started praying and everyone joined him . Now I lay me down to sleep . I pray the Lord my soul to keep . And if I die before I wake , I pray the Lord my soul to take . Other than tears , sniffles , and the passing of the tissue box , the room was quite . Soon her nurse , Amy , who was actually done with her shift , came in to let us know that they no longer had a heartbeat appearing on her screen anymore . She asked if we would like her to pray with us , and she said a short prayer , thanking God for the time we did have with her . A couple people , started sharing memories of her , bring more tears , but also some laughs were choked out between the eye wiping . Slowly we trickled out of her room , and went into the waiting room again , where we waited for Mike , Adam 's dad , to come in . We packed up our things , and when Mike came in made plans to gather the next day for breakfast to begin planning Beth 's service . Adam downloaded and installed Windows 7 for me a while ago . I think it was a birthday or Christmas present . At any rate , it has one pretty cool feature where you can have a rotating desktop background . You select the pictures that you want it to flip through , and then every 5 , 10 , or 15 minutes it will change the picture . We both , of course , have pictures of our beautiful baby girl , Danni , that rotate though our computer backgrounds . Most of the time I have windows open on my computer and can 't really see the pictures . One in a while I see the edge of a picture and it catches my eye , so I minimize my window and see our daughter . Sometimes I smile . Sometimes I just stare and miss her . Sometimes it brings back a memory . Sometimes I talk to Adam about her . But these four photos . . . . . . have recently brought up a new feeling . I used to see them and love how alive and well she looked . ( Nothing tells you more " I 'm here , I 'm alive , and I want attention , " more than a crying baby . ) They would make me smile at the thought . But recently , I see these pictures pop up on the computer , and I want nothing more than to pick up my baby girl and comfort and sooth her , let her know her mommy 's here , and everything is okay . But when these pictures were taken , I was in the recovery room , while Adam was standing over her ( taking the pictures to show me ) . He couldn 't pick her up and comfort her , because they were testing her , checking her , getting her hooked up to countless machines , etc . So all he could really do was watch her . I think it helps too , to know that she is in heaven , and not in any pain . No nurses are working on her . No one is poking her with needles . She 's not hooked up to monitors with alarms going off . I 'm sure she 's made lots of friends in heaven ( we 've met lots of their parents , and they are wonderful people ! ) . I know she is very happy , smiling down on us , and waiting for us to meet her little sister , knowing that this little baby has brought so much hope into our lives again . All last week when I would worry about it , I kept thinking that her amniotic fluid levels were low . It made sense to me , because I felt like I could feel her moving a lot more than I could with Danielle , so I figured there was less room for her to swim around in without hitting me . Without having any fundal height measurements from Danni , I really have nothing to go by for a comparison . When we got to Perinatal , Wendy , the receptionist , wasn 't there , and the past couple times I 've called , I 've gotten someone else as well . So I asked the receptionist if she was still working there . I guess she 's just on vacation this week , and there 's another receptionist that has been working sometimes too . We waited a couple minutes and soon Kristen , an ultrasound tech that I 've never met , called me back . ( Kristen doesn 't normally work at the Woodbury clinic , and was hired on towards the end of my pregnancy with Danielle . ) She asked lots of questions about the pregnancy , ones that I 'm guessing Krista ( my favorite tech ) wouldn 't have had to ask , since she knows the answer to most of them . Then she got to scanning . Baby was head down with her butt up in my stomach ( as always ! UGH ! ) , and her legs stretched straight across with her feet into my side . Her face was kind of buried and hidden , so she couldn 't really get any 3D 's done , but she got a 2D done of her looking straight at us . She measured everything she needed to measure for the growth , and gave her all 8 points for the biophysical profile ( BPP ) . She checked her heart rate ; it was 141 bpm . I asked if she could see if she had any hair ( you could see lots of hair on Danni 's head at her 29 week ultrasound ) , but she didn 't really have any . At the end of the scan at 34 weeks and 2 days , she said she weighted 4 pounds 14 ounces ( Danni measured 5 pound at 33 weeks , just for comparison 's sake ) , putting her at 33 weeks and 3 days . So , pretty much right on track . Kristen said she would give the information to Dr . Mills and that she would be in shortly . While we were waiting for Dr . Mills to come in , Joan , the genetic counselor , stopped in to see us . We talked about the baby a little and how I might be able to be a stay at home mom . She told us her youngest just finished with daycare and started going to school this past year . When she got the final statement from the non - profit church daycare that the total she had paid was $ 50 , 000 . We talked about how much money it saves being able to stay home with your kids . Soon Dr . Mills came in the room , and Joan left . ( Let me tell you first off , Dr . Mills is much better at letting you know something is wrong than Dr . Danilenko , " the scary doctor . " ) She introduced herself and came in the room . Then , she told us that baby girl is growing well , and is pretty much right on track , and that she passed the BPP just fine . ( She told us all the things that were right with her . ) Then she said that her amniotic fluid was just slightly low . I guess 8 . 0 to 24 . 8 cm is normal , and baby has 7 . 9 cm . ( Call it a mother 's intuition ! ) ( As a math teacher , it bothers me that a fluid level is measured in a length , and not a volume , like cubic centimeters . But , they only measure lengths of fluid pockets , so I guess that part makes sense . Like I told Krista once with Danni , it should at least be measured as an area . Anyway , enough on that rant . . . ) Before she left , she asked if we had any questions . I did ; I wanted to know if what my doula , Ashley , she agreed with . Ashley said that they got a more accurate size of the baby by palpitations than by ultrasound . She smiled and said there was a report in some journal ( she said the name , but I don 't remember ) about that very thing . She said that doctors , with experience , can more accurately tell the weight of a baby than ultrasounds . The thing with ultrasounds is that they measure the bone lengths in several places , and then the circumference of the abdominal cavity , but they don 't take into affect the chubby little legs and arms and cheeks . . . She went on for a little bit about it , and I found it quite interesting . She seemed to be an " old - fashion " doctor , and said a lot of doctors now - a - days just depend on ultrasound , and the practice has kind of gone to the wayside . At Comprehensive , we met with Aimee Neumann , the nurse practitioner . I gave her the report and she looked it over . She measured my fundal height at 31 cm . I should be at 34 cm this week , but she said that I had grown so that was good . But she wanted to get another ultrasound done next week . I asked to go back to Perinatal again and she was fine with that . She listened to the heart rate and said it was between 130 and 140 bpm . Before she sent us on our way , she gave me my next Pampered Pregnancy gift : bath salts ! Before we left the clinic , I made the rest of my appointments . Then mom and I headed out shopping and for lunch . We went to Panera Bread , right next to Perinatal ( which is where mom took me after our first ultrasound with Danni ) , and saw Joan getting lunch there as well . We had an appointment this morning , a morning where I 've been pretty emotional . They 're so quick and , dare I say , boring . One of the nurses that I 've seen before took us back and took my weight & blood pressure . Both were good . Dr . Tumaneng came in a few minutes later , asked if we had registered at the hospital yet . I told her we were waiting to hear about VBAC ' ing at Woodwinds , and she said it looked like a " go , " but I didn 't get registered yet . She asked if we had any other questions , but we didn 't . So I got up on the table and she measured me . Having not done this many times before ( like growth ultrasounds or biophysical profiles ) , I learned that I should be measuring between 30 and 34 cm this week . But I measured at 28 cm . She said she wanted us to get an ultrasound to make sure that she 's growing alright , but wouldn 't be surprised if it 's just because I 'm a small person . I don 't really have any measurements to compare it to from Danni , as I was never measured . ( But I 'm going to keep it in mind with our next one if it turns out she is just fine . ) She was getting ready to write up a slip to have an ultrasound done there at their clinic , but I asked if I could go to MN Perinatal instead . She was concerned about my insurance covering it , but I assured her it would be fine , and told her that Krista ( my favorite u / s tech ) had told us to come back if we needed another one . Then she tried to listen to baby girl 's heartbeat . She was kicking and moving around , so it took her a little bit to find her . But she finally got her to hold still for long enough to hear . Her heart rate was 135 bpm . Before she left , she said another nurse would be in to talk to us about postpartum stuff . And shortly after she left , another nurse came in . I wish I would have remembered her name , but I didn 't . She asked if this was our first , and I simply replied ' no . ' She started talking a little about postpartum stuff , then asked how old our one at home is . I said , " She would be 13 months old , " and I could see her looking at me differently . So I added , " She died when she was two days old . " She apologized , and said she had a little one in heaven too . As she kept talking about the postpartum stuff again , I noticed she had a tattoo on the inside of her forearm of two tiny little feet with a heart around them and a name that I couldn 't read . Later , when we were in the car , Adam commented that if they were the actual size , then he or she must have been about 20 weeks along . Before she left , she gave us our Pampered Pregnancy gift . It was a booklet with some postpartum information and a $ 20 gift certificate to some postpartum workshops that we could take , along with a yellow receiving blanket . The blank , I think , matches her nursery pretty well with brown , blue , and green polka dots . After school today we had our last meeting of the year to give out years of service awards and say farewell to those who were leaving . I wasn 't sure if I would be included in this or not since we don 't know if I 'll be back yet or not . But I was . . . and it was the way I was that set me almost on the verge of tears right there in the lecture room . Polly , our principal , called out my name and I gave a wave showing her ( and everyone else I guess ) where I was in the room . She said , " Sarah was a long - term sub with us this year . . . " And that 's what did it . I am not a long - term sub . I am a white contracted , first year probationary teacher . I would not have broken my contract with Sacred Heart last summer for a LTS position . I would not have turned down a job offer at Immaculate Conception last summer for a LTS position . I would not have taken a LTS position , because I would have known , for sure , that I would be in the same boat one year from then , searching for a job . The past two days I 've been pretty depressed . Mostly about jobs and income , but of course every time I see a picture of Danni on my background , it doesn 't help matters . A lot of times her pictures can make me smile , but when I 'm already down , it just makes me miss her that much more . Saint Bernard 's was , by far , the best place to work ( yeah , the pay wasn 't the greatest , but the people were , and that alone is priceless ) . Eagan has been nice to work at too . My co - workers are all very nice , and the kids ( most of them anyway ! ) aren 't so bad either . The pay , of course , is amazing , compared to SB . But , now , again , a year later ( and 7 months pregnant ) , I 'm looking for a job . The position that I currently have is being cut to a . 8 ( instead of full time ) , and is being split between two schools . I have to reapply ( already done ) , and re - interview for the position . But the more and more I 've been hearing about the position , its seeming less and less like a possibility . On Monday , I got home from school , depressed , and applied to 8 different openings that I found . ( Keep in mind last year , I sent out over 40 , and got 13 interviews , and 2 1 / 2 job offers - one I was second on the list and they later called me back because their first choice backed out . ) But this year will be different . Last year I did do a couple interview 8 and 9 months pregnant with Danielle , but this time all my interviews I will be 7 , 8 , or 9 months pregnant . Granted , it 's legally not supposed to play a factor in whether or not they hire you , but if you tell me it honestly doesn 't , I won 't believe you . When you 're looking for a teacher to start a school year and you have two equally qualified candidates , but one will have a baby at the beginning of the school year , so you 'll have to do more interviews to find a long - term sub , which candidate do you think they 're going to pick ? I was so depressed and stressed that I fought so hard ( and unsuccessfully ) to not cry myself to sleep . And of course , being pregnant I couldn 't take any sleeping drugs to help . Yesterday , I got home from school , slightly less depressed , but I couldn 't bring myself to apply to any jobs . Adam didn 't have school , so he was home when I got home . We talked a little about the whole situation , and Adam reminded me that if I don 't get a job , there is always unemployment . As I was getting ready for bed , he had out his phone and was checking websites for figures , and calculating what I would be making after day care costs , and what I would be making on unemployment . When we looked at what we would have each month and compared the numbers , they were fairly close . We thought about it , and after refinancing our mortgage , the money that we 're saving each month on payments is about how much less I would be making on unemployment . Today , as I 'm sitting at work on my prep , I wanted to double check some numbers . We couldn 't access the unemployment website ( apparently you can only estimate your benefits online from 6am to 6pm ) , and I wanted to double check the daycare costs . We were pretty much right on with the unemployment estimate , but were a little high on our estimate of daycare costs . The difference was only about $ 100 a month from what we had calculated last night . Then I looked at what I would be making if I got the . 8 split - school position , and found ( after day care expenses ) I would actually be making more on unemployment . These numbers are a little uplifting to me . I 'm not so depressed about the income part , but I am still depressed about the job part . I think it 's hard not to be if you lose your job twice in a year through no fault of your own . I remember when we were pregnant with Danielle , being very excited to give her my attention : holding her , feeding her , loving her , watching her grow and learn . And being excited to see Adam with her , teaching her , and interacting with her . But at the same time , I wasn 't ready to share Adam 's attention with her . I wanted to see him with her , but when I wanted his attention , I wanted his full attention , without having to share it with a baby . I 'm starting to feel the same way again . Adam has been playing video games with one of his friends online a lot lately , and it was starting to get to me that he wasn 't giving me as much attention . Then I started to think about when this baby comes , and how I will have to share his attention with her as well . ( And I 'm sure he will still want some time to play video games every once in a while . ) Yesterday , though , Adam came home from school and didn 't even turn on the television . I had ( pretty much ) his complete attention . He read his book while I cooked dinner ( much easier for him to put down at a moments notice to talk to me or whatever ) . We ate our dinner together on the couch and watched a couple episodes of NCIS ( we 're hooked , and now need season 8 ! ) . We probably would have eaten out on the deck , but it was pretty windy out , even though it was great weather otherwise .
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Two brothers decided they would go and try for the hand of the princess . Both were learned and considered themselves to have a good chance . One of them even had the Latin dictionary memorized . Their father gave each of them a nice horse to ride to the castle on , but they forgot about their youngest brother . The youngest brother was named Jack and no one talked about him because he wasn 't the brightest crayon in the box . Jack wanted to try for the princess too . The brothers thought he was stupid and the father declared that he would not give Jack a horse . Jack decided to ride the goat . All three brothers arrived at the castle . The first went in . The princess said she was going to have dinner and the first brother couldn 't think of anything to say . The princess ordered him out . It was Jack 's turn now . The princess said she was going to have dinner , maybe peasant . Jack asked if he might roast his crow at the same time . The princess said he certainly could . The conversation evolved and ended up with Jack using the shoe piece as a platter and the clay as gravy . The princess finally asked Jack what he would do about the men judging his conversation and writing everything down . Jack pulled some of the mud out of his pocket and flung it at one of the men . The princess thought this was wonderful and married Jack , who eventually became king . It 's not very likely that a king would let his daughter marry anybody who fulfilled some contest requirement . King 's daughters were for strategic alliances , not fun and games . So this concept is a little far - fetched , but that doesn 't mean that it doesn 't make for a good story . There are many variations of this story . There are multiple Grimm 's fairy tales that have a similar story line . There is always that one brother whom no one thinks can accomplish the task , but it turns out he is the only one who can because he is blessed in his simplicity and lack of skill in such a way that is fortuitous . The whole idea here is to count that person whom you think doesn 't count . You would be surprised what he / she can actually do . Does it matter that Jack may have had a mental handicap ? Well , for this story , no ; in a matter of a man ruling a country , yeah , probably ; it probably matters a lot , but countries have had mentally unstable rulers before . Who was that guy that thought he was a glass animal ? Ah , yes , Charles VI of France ; the dude needed help . What is it exactly ? Well , it 's a type of mollusk that lives in the ocean and was referred to as a " sea - hare " back in the day because it was derived from the Latin lepus marinus , they called it that because the two things sticking up in front kind of look like bunny ears . This story involves a sea - hare . Once upon a time there was a princess who had a castle , but she also had an apartment in her castle with twelve windows that looked out every possible direction . She could already see better than your average person , but each window made her vision even better . Through the first window she could see alright , but by the twelfth window she saw everything above the Earth and under the Earth . Nothing could be hidden from her . She liked her freedom . She declared that she would only marry a man who could hide himself from her in such a way that she couldn 't find him . If she did find him , he got his head cut off and stuck on a post . There were currently ninety - seven posts with heads on them . Three brothers got the idea that they could hide themselves from her . The first one hid in a lime - pit , but she found him and had his head cut off . The second brother hid in a cellar in the palace , but she found him and had his head cut off . The third brother made a deal with the princess . He suggested that they wait a day before he hid , but that she would also give him one out of three . She could find him twice , but if she didn 't find him the third time , she had to marry him . She agreed . The youngest brother went out to hunt . He was about to shoot a raven , but the raven told him not to shoot . He would reward him for his kindness . The man did not shoot . He then saw a large fish swim to the surface of a pond . The fish cried out that he not shoot . The fish promised a reward . The man let the fish swim away . Then the man saw a fox . He was going to shoot it , but the fox called to him and told him to come and pull a thorn out of his foot . The man did so and was going to skin the fox anyway , but the fox told the man to let him live and he would be rewarded . The man let the fox go . The next day was the day for the man to hide . He thought about where he could hide that she wouldn 't see , but he couldn 't think of anywhere . Finally , he called to the raven . He asked the raven where he should hide that the princess would not see . The raven broke an egg in two and hid the man inside of it . The princess started her search . She could not find the man and became worried , but she got up to the eleventh window and she finally saw him . She ordered the raven shot . The man was to hide again . This time he called to the fish he spared . The fish hid the man inside of his stomach . The princess started her search . She looked and looked , but did not find the man until the twelfth window . Then it was time for him to hide again . The man called to the fox . The fox led him to a spring . The fox jumped in and became a merchant . The man jumped in and became a sea - hare . The merchant took the sea - hare to the market where many people wondered over it . The princess happened to be at the market as well . She liked the sea - hare so much that she bought it . The merchant offered this advice to the man , he should crawl up behind the princess 's braid when she was performing her search . The princess went home and began her search . She looked . She looked and looked . The sea - hare had crawled up behind her braid and hid there . The princess became so upset that she slammed the twelfth window down that all the windows in the castles busted to pieces . The princess felt the sea - hare below her braid and grabbed it and threw it . The sea - hare went back to the fox and they both went back to the spring to regain their proper forms . The man went back to the castle where the princess married him and subjugated herself to a man . The man never told her that he had help hiding from her . She thought he did it on his own and was impressed . Does anyone else think this is weird ? I mean , that thing is a mollusk . I 'm all about picking up snails and stuff , but … gross . I really want to hope that this story means some other kind of animal other than the one pictured up above , but from the research I did , that 's what these people meant when they said " sea - hare . " I can imagine it now . There is a woman called The Seeker who is black in the heart . She rules from her castle with twelve windows that look out on all directions . She entices men to gain control of her kingdom . They must simply survive a game of hide and seek with her . Little do they know that she has special vision and can see almost anything . Posts with heads line the road going up to the castle . Suitor number one , suitor number three , all the way up until ninety - seven . Three brothers are offered the task of subduing The Seeker by their father . It 's his final dying wish , that his three sons subdue the evil woman in the next kingdom over who says she needs no man . They go in together with all their brotherly love , but she finds firs the oldest brother and then the middle brother without even trying . It 's up to the youngest , probably named Hans , to survive and the subdue the princess . He has three spirit animals which appear to him along the way and help him to hide himself from the princess . The first two spirit animals fail , but the third helps the man transform into something he 's not . The man hides right under her nose and she doesn 't think to look there , so she loses . She has to cede her power and herself to the rule of a man . I 'm half - joking about " being subdued by a man " in this post , but I 'm not joking on the other half . This princess knew that if she married she would be ruled over by a man . That 's how things went in that day and age . She knew she wouldn 't be able to make choices of her own . She had quite enjoyed ruling herself and wanted to continue . She became a bit violent in doing so . She was protecting herself and fighting with everything she had . She did not want to be subjugated by a man . She eventually lost as it was bound to happen because of the time period . She was a woman living in a world that was very much a man 's world . She actually reminds me very much of Queen Elizabeth , not the current one , the red - headed one famed for being " The Virgin Queen . " Elizabeth chose to stay unmarried . She knew that a marriage on her part would leave her not ruling her country and could possibly put England in some very difficult places . She chose to keep her power by staying single . The virgin part was probably a load of crap . She was the queen she probably had a " pool boy " or a " stable boy , " who just happened to have a six - pack and arms of steel just hanging around , waiting , for when Elizabeth needed to see him in her private chambers … for … you know … business . She thought she knew everything . She thought she was untouchable , but she didn 't look right under her own nose . Her downfall came from inside . No one had ever thought to hide on the other side of her windows . Sure , she had good vision , but the windows were the tools she used to secure her victories . Without the windows , she was merely a woman who had sharp eyes . We 've mentioned this before , you 're not infallible . You may think you can do no wrong , but there will come a time when someone bests you . There will be someone can beat you at your own game . You may be on the top for a while , but the longer you stay , the more likely you are to topple . This princess had her period of ruling just the way she wanted , but she became too sure of herself and it led to her downfall . What is the saying ? " Pride goeth before the downfall , " I think it 's something like that anyway . She was scared of what might happen , but she was also sure of herself because of all the times she had won . There is nothing wrong with being confident in your abilities , but there will come a time when your confidence just isn 't enough . We don 't like to think about those times , but they do happen . It 's kind of sad how this story was about the end of an era for a person . She wasn 't very nice : I 'm not trying to make you get behind this princess as your role model , but it 's still sad that she fell . She had power . She had money . She had notoriety . She had her freedom . She had her gifts . She had kept all of these things through ninety - nine men , but then one comes along to change her life forever . It would be a love story anywhere else . Sometimes as women we give up a lot for " love " or what we think is " love . " Sometimes we 're right and it is love and sometimes we 're severely wrong , but we already gave up so much . We gave up what we were . We gave up our person . This is what happened to this princess . She didn 't necessarily give her person up for love , she gave it up because she got married . I seriously doubt this guy loved her . He knew of her terrible doings and most likely only married her for her wealth and status . They probably reached some kind of tolerance after a few years , but I doubt they were happily married at any point in their lives . The Water of Life is a self - explanatory title . This story has to do with a rumored fountain which brings forth healing waters and maybe even waters of immortality . It really depends on who you talk to . People have searched for the water of life for years , in fact , one of America 's main explorers , De Soto , was looking for the water of life when he came to the Americas , I 'm sure gold and gemstones were welcome as well . Once upon a time a king was sick nigh unto death . A cure could not be found for him . His sons lamented , but one day an old man told them there was a cure yet to be found . The water of life could heal their father . The oldest son wanted to go out in search of the water of life . He did so , at much protest from the father . Along the way , he came to a path where he found a little man . The little man asked the eldest prince what he was doing . The eldest prince called the little man a pipsqueak , a shrimp to be precise , and told him it wasn 't any of his business . He traveled on up the road , but the mountains got so close , he was soon stuck and could not go forward , backward , or any way at all . After a while , it was the second son 's turn to search for the water of life . He went down the same road and met the same little man . When the little man asked him what he was up to , the second prince replied that the little man was a shrimp and it wasn 't any of his business . The second brother rode on and was soon stuck in much the same manner as the first . The third brother set out as well . He came to the little man , but when the little man asked him what he was doing , the youngest son did not reply by calling the man a shrimp . The third son informed the little man that he was searching for the water of life to heal his dying father and that his two brothers had gone before him . The little man said he would help the prince because he had not been a jerk . The little man says the water of life is in the courtyard of an enchanted castle . The prince must have an iron wand and two loaves of bread to get into the castle . The prince must strike the wand three times against the iron door of the castle . This would cause the door to open , but there would be two lions there . He should throw a loaf each to the lions , they would be satisfied . He should hurry to fetch the water out of the fountain because he must be back outside of the castle before the hour struck twelve , otherwise , he would be stuck there . The prince did all of this , but got a little distracted once inside the castle . He went into one room and found some enchanted princes , whose rings he stole . He found a sword and a loaf of bread in that room as well . He went further one and found a beautiful maiden . She kissed him and said that he had set her free . He should come back in a year so they could get married . She told him to hurry so he didn 't get stuck inside of the castle . He got the water , but saw a big beautiful bed on the way out of the castle . The sight of it made him weary and he stopped to rest . He was soon asleep , and woke up with only a few minutes to spare before the clock struck twelve . He raced out of the castle with his newly acquired items . The little man was waiting for him . He told the prince that the sword would defeat any enemy and the loaf of bread would never lessen . The youngest prince asked after his older brothers and the little man told him they were stuck and could not be released . The youngest begged and begged for his older brothers to be set free and finally , the little man relented , but with a warning . The older brothers possessed dark hearts and the youngest should be very careful . All three brothers made their way towards home . On the way they encountered a kingdom wracked by famine and warfare . The youngest used his never - ending loaf of bread to feed all of the people and lent the sword king of that land to defeat his enemies . The brothers encountered two more countries like this on their way home . They had to board a ship to sail home . While the youngest brother was sleeping aboard the ship , the older two brothers plotted . They surmised that if their brother showed up with the water of life and cured the king , the kingdom would be awarded to him . They switched out his water with seawater on the ship . When they got home , the youngest brother tried to cure the king with his sea water , but the king was sicker than before . One of the older brothers swooped in with the water and cured the father . The father was glad to be well , but the older brothers told him that his youngest son had sought his life and had done nothing to help at all . The king issued a bounty on the son 's head . He sent his huntsman out with his son one day . The huntsman feels sorry for the son , so he doesn 't kill him . The huntsman and the prince switched clothes so no one would try to kill him . The third prince went forth into the world . While he was gone , believed to be dead , three wagons of gold and jewels arrived as gratitude to the youngest son for saving the three kingdoms . The king thought that maybe he had made a mistake in having his son murdered and lamented it . The huntsman told the king that his son still lived and the king was happy . He sent forth a decree that his son would be welcomed back and forgiven . Meanwhile , the princess who was the marry the prince had the road to her castle paved with gold . She told her servants that the first man who came straight towards her on top of the road , was the man for her . The first brother thought to marry the princess , but he thought it would be a shame for his horse to walk on top of the golden road , and thus , walked beside the road . He was turned away at the castle . The second brother did likewise and was also turned away . The third brother came and walked all over the golden road . The princess knew this was her man . They got married and the third son found out his father had forgiven him . He spilled his guts to the king about everything that had happened . The king wanted to punish the older two brothers , but they had already went to sea and no one heard from them again . I have already mentioned that the water of life is a common theme in both stories and history . For a long time , people thought the water of life or the fountain of youth was a real thing . It 's not , you can quit hoping that it is . I do have to wonder why it is always some mythical water that can cure people . Why not mythical orange juice ? Orange juice is pretty tasty , too bad it 's so high in sugar . Did you know that once upon a time , waters used to be touted as healing ? I know we have been discussing this already , but really , in real life , not just some mythical fountain of youth . People would travel to various mineral - rich hot springs in order to treat their bodily ailments . Doctors used to recommend that people travel to take the waters in this place or that . There was actually a bit of science to this . It wasn 't purely hogwash . There were times when people were deficient in various minerals and soaking in these mineral - rich waters helped them out . We tend to ignore that whole daily vitamin thing we keep hearing about , but it 's actually something you need . If your body does get deficient in various vitamins and minerals it can cause problems , like scurvy , but drinking some orange juice will fix that up . So the idea that water can be healing , isn 't entirely false . A road paved of gold huh ? That sounds familiar , you know , kind of like the yellow brick road ? Baum was actually pushing a political agenda when he wrote his Oz series all about how he thought silver should be the money standard in the United States instead of gold . I don 't see this story pushing any political agenda by having a golden road . This story was only trying to make the point that the third brother was so smitten by his love that he didn 't even notice he was walking on a golden road . It 's not nice to call people names . The two older brothers in this tale call the little man names and are trapped for some time and also they don 't get any help . The little man knows how to help on this quest , but they just call him a shrimp and tell him it 's none of his business . Sometimes help can come from some unexpected places . Just because someone isn 't a big , tall , muscly Prince Charming doesn 't mean that he can 't rescue the girl . There is kind of a broad scope in this tale . The two older brothers are not punished by their father or by their kingdom . They are punished seemingly by no one , or let 's just go ahead and say that they 're punished by God or the universe , whichever you want to pick . Vengeance doesn 't happen . The king is not able to put vengeance out upon his two older sons . God does it or the universe does it . It 's really two things . This tale isn 't outright religious , but it 's still there . You do have to remember that the people passing these tales around were religious , maybe not going to mass everyday religious , but religious enough . They knew that A ) in the Bible it says that God says vengeance is his and no one else 's and B ) that people are eventually punished for their wrongdoings even if it 's not while they 're alive upon this Earth . We have to take comfort in the fact that one day those terrible bullies from middle school will be punished by God and not by us with our fantasies of running them over as their wife is leaving them for an overweight trucker , or whatever . The king and his youngest son move on with their lives instead of obsessing over trying to get back at those who have wronged them . That is a nice message . It 's not an obvious message , which would be more helpful , but it 's still nice that it 's there . To live life , you have to move on after someone hurts you or does you wrong . It 's not something you can dwell upon , that 's a sure way to get an ulcer or an eye twitch . The king kind of wants to seek vengeance out , but forgets about it , no doubt , as he rejoices in the marriage of his son , and probably the birth of subsequent grandchildren . The Three Feathers is going to sound quite familiar to you guys . It sounds awfully familiar to me . You will elements in this tale from recently analyzed tales , but you will also see something a little different from other tales . It 's quite the quirk . Once upon a time there was a king who had three sons . The older two were clever , but the youngest was not so bright and was called … . wait for it … Simpleton . Who knew ? ! Seriously , did you see that coming ? The king was trying to decide which of his three sons would inherit the kingdom . He told his sons to go out into the world and bring him back the most beautiful carpet . No , I don 't know why he wanted a really beautiful carpet . The king had three feathers which he blew into the air . He admonished each of his sons to follow a feather . One of the feathers went east . One of the feathers went west . The last feather simply drifted straight up then came back down to the ground . The two oldest brothers followed the east and west feathers while the youngest , Simpleton , sat down on the ground where the third feather had landed . His older brothers took the time to make fun of him before they left on their journeys . The older brothers , figured that their younger brother could not possibly come back with a beautiful carpet and simply went to the first peasants they saw and asked for handkerchiefs as their carpets . Simpleton , had been sitting , but he noticed something . He noticed a trap door in the ground . He opened it . There were some steps that went down and down . He came to a door . He knocked at it . He heard somebody inside talking . All three brothers brought their findings back to the king . The older two their handkerchiefs and Simpleton , his beautiful carpet . The king said that Simpleton should be the next king . The older brothers weren 't pleased with this arrangement and begged their father to issue another challenge . He told them to bring back the most beautiful ring . He , once again , blew his feathers out into the air . One went east . One went west . The last feather drifted up into the air and came back down . The oldest brothers took off east and west . Simpleton went down the trap door again . The large toad asked what Simpleton wanted . He told her that he wanted the most beautiful ring . She had her little toads bring her the big box again . Inside was the most beautiful ring . It sparkled with jewels and the workmanship was so fine it could not be matched . The older two brothers knocked the nails out of an old carriage ring and took that to the king , but Simpleton came with his beautiful ring . Once again , the king declares Simpleton the next heir , but the brothers begged for another challenge . The king said that whosoever brings back the most beautiful woman will inherit the kingdom . He blew his feathers into the air again . One went east . One went west . The other drifted up into the air and came back down again . The two oldest went their former ways and Simpleton went down the trapdoor again . The toad asked him what he wanted . He told her that he wanted the most beautiful maiden . The large toad said that she wasn 't there at present , but she could take a message … I 'm joking . She said that the most beautiful maiden was not there are the moment , but Simpleton could surely have her . The large toad gave simpleton a yellow turnip with six mice . Simpleton is simple , but he doesn 't quite get the turnip and mice . The large toad tells him to grab a little toad from her congregation and put it inside the turnip . He randomly grabs a little toad and places it inside the turnip . The little toad had barely been in the turnip a moment before she turned into the most beautiful maiden . The turnip turned into a carriage and the mice turned into horses . Simpleton kissed the maiden and drove back with her , in the carriage to the king . The older two brothers had simply brought peasant women with them back to the king . The king , again , declares Simpleton the next heir . The brothers aren 't happy about this and propose a new challenge . They propose that whichever maiden could jump through a hoop , that the man who brought that maiden would be king . The two peasant women were able to jump through the hoop , but stumbled on the way back down to the ground . Simpleton 's toad maiden , on the other hand , was able to jump through the hoop gracefully like a deer . Simpleton became king and ruled wisely for a length of time . The girl is a toad , not the man , the girl . That 's quite interesting . I haven 't been seeing a lot of these fairy tale roles reversed in my study of the Grimm 's anthology . This is really the first instance , in which , I 've seen a character type reversed . It 's interesting . Granted , it 's not exactly a frog , but a toad is close enough . This story reminds me of the movie Stardust . It 's a great little movie , especially if you want to see Robert De Niro dressed in women 's clothing prancing around a room . In the beginning of the movie , the king sends his seven sons after his necklace . Whichever heir to the throne brings it back and turns it back to its original color , will be the next king . Both stories have that same sort of ring to them . So many of these stories have royal brothers vying for the crown . It 's not a Grimm 's thing , it 's a history thing . That 's what happened . I 'm sure in some areas of the world it still happens . We don 't foresee Prince Harry trying to knock Prince William off , but you never know . Brothers who were heirs to the crown , would kill each other . It 's happened many times . They would kill each other overtly or do it secretly . It 's happened over , and over , and over again . These stories are pointing out a very real and historically accurate tradition . It 's sad that it 's a tradition , but it 's very real . There has got to be some sort of symbolism in the idea of east and west versus home . I don 't really know what that would be , but it definitely means something . We do tend to think of east and west of us as more exotic locations . East of me , is the Atlantic Ocean , which could be quite exotic I suppose . West of me , is the rest of the United States . Where I 'm at is where I 'm at . Back in the olden days , people didn 't travel too far from home , so anything east or west of themselves , was quite exciting and mysterious . I like the toads . My brother and I used to go out at night with a flashlight and a bucket to catch toads . They come out at night looking for bugs and they 're quite easy to catch . I don 't know why we caught a bunch of toads , and , no , they do not cause warts , but we caught toads . It was an interesting past time . I 'm still in the habit of picking up a toad every once in a while . Part of me wonders if these were hallucinogenic toads . Toads usually don 't congregate together . They can actually have toxins in their skin that make you hallucinate , but usually that 's if you live in South America or Australia , where everything kills you . The behavior of these toads is odd . Why is there this congregation of toads underneath the castle ? Is it like sacred toad land ? Is the giant toad like a high priestess ? Someone could have a lot of fun with this story . All these poor third sons being called Simpleton has got to be a real drag for these boys . You can 't go around calling someone an idiot their entire lives and expect them to turn out normal . The story does state that Simpleton ruled for a length of time , not until he died , not happily ever after , but a length of time . This , to me , mean that he was deposed at some point . By who ? His brothers of course . If Simpleton really does have some sort of cognitive disabilities , he is not fit to rule an entire kingdom . This probably became very evident when he ordered a national Bathe in Jello day for the entire kingdom . We don 't often look at the consequences of these stories . We don 't look at what happens after the end . Sometimes it pays to be the most humble . Simpleton is humble because he has been humiliated by his family . He 's humble because he doesn 't know any different . The story clearly states that he 's got a few screws loose . He 's humble because he doesn 't expect to succeed . He is blessed for his humility , but maybe it 's not the best blessing . I touched on this just a paragraph ago . He 's probably not mentally fit enough to rule a kingdom . If his brothers thought that he couldn 't find a carpet by himself , then he certainly cannot rule a kingdom . There is always the possibility that Simpleton is not simple , but maybe his mind doesn 't work the same way as the minds of his brothers and they think he is simple , but he 's not . Maybe Simpleton turned out to be a great ruler who made wise decisions , but do you really want a person ruling your country who has been emotionally and verbally abused their entire life ? On the other hand , do you want someone ruling your kingdom who has been verbally and mentally abusive to their own little brother his entire life ? It 's a two - sided coin . You 're choosing between bad and worse , if you choose at all , because this isn 't a democracy it 's a monarchy . People who are abused as children , even if it 's just verbal and mental abuse , do not magically transform into fully functioning adults when they hit a certain age or milestone . Simpleton is not going to transform into this amazing king whom everybody loves and respects simply because he made friends with some toads , who may or may not even be real . Simpleton is probably going to need some therapy , which wasn 't a thing during this time . So there would certainly be some cause for concern as far as Simpleton being the ruling power of this kingdom . We have this idea of the underdog winning . It 's a nice sentiment and it is that , a sentiment . We usually associate the underdog with change or an underlying truth coming to light . If the underdog wins , it 's going to bring about change . If the underdog wins , someone has brought a harsh truth to light that the usual guys can 't explain away . We root for the underdog , ideally . We like the idea of the underdog . We like the idea of Clark Kent , a big dork , being Superman . We like to say that we like the underdog . We like to say we 're non - conformist or that we want Rand Paul to be president , whatever the case may be . People like to talk . That 's what a lot of all this underdog - rooting is , just talk . People may express the desire for the underdog to win , but when it comes down to it , they don 't want the change . They don 't fully embrace the ideals . They 're too comfortable with the bubbles created by their usual guys . If you need examples , simply look at our most recent presidential election . People really wanted the " change " that Obama promised when he got elected the first time . That change didn 't happen or didn 't happen the way people expected , so people sought new leaders . Romney was nice , but he was a Mormon and that made him a huge underdog . Ron Paul also had some great ideas , but he wasn 't associated with the democratic party or the republican party and that made him weird and unusual to most people . Both Romney and Paul , ended up being underdogs . People talked a lot about how they liked either one , but did they make it happen ? Why did I bring a little bit of politics into this post ? I did this to illustrate a point . This idea of the underdog winning , is far - fetched . It doesn 't happen in real life nearly as often as it happens in stories . That 's why these are fairy tales . We don 't get to have the underdog win very often in real life . Look at these people who have recently leaked government secrets . What happened to them ? Prison and asylum in other countries . They were the underdogs and they did not win . We , as a society , don 't let the underdogs win . We want what 's comfortable . We want what 's already inside our bubble . The people of this kingdom in this story , are expecting one of the older brothers to rule A ) because they 're older and B ) because they were the most likely candidates . They don 't expect the youngest brother to get anywhere near the throne because he 's not the oldest , he 's not likely , and he is simple . The entire kingdom knows about this through whispers , probably . They 're not going to be happy about this . They 're not going to be comfortable with this . In fact , all of these tales mentioning the underdog winning in the end , are probably not going to have great results . It 's just too different from normal life . I really liked the toads . I feel bad for this poor kid being called Simpleton . His real name is probably George or something , but everyone pretty much goes around calling him an idiot . That 's not an easy life for somebody . I also really liked the idea of the beautiful woman being a toad . That 's something to think about . Once upon a time there were three brothers . The older two were lost in the world . The youngest , called Simpleton , set out to find them . The brothers were not lost in a geographic sense , they were lost because of their riotous living . When Simpleton found the brothers , they mocked him because he was simple and would not be able to find his own way in the world . The three brothers traveled away together . They came to an ant hill . The older two brothers wanted to smash the anthill to watch all of the ants scatter and carry their eggs out . Simpleton told them , " Leave the creatures in peace , I will not suffer you to kill them . " The brothers went on their way without killing the ants . They came to a pond with many ducks . The older two brothers wanted to catch a couple of the ducks and roast them . The youngest brother said the same thing and the ducks were not harmed . At length they came to a beehive full of honey . The older brothers wanted to build a fire to smoke the bees out in order to get all of the honey , but Simpleton gave the same advice . The bees were not harmed . After a while , the three brothers came to a castle where there were stone horses in the stable . They went inside to all of the rooms . In one room they found a door with a glass pane in it . They could see inside the room and see a little old man . They called to him once , but he did not answer . They called to him a second time , but he did not answer . They called to him a third time , he did not say anything , but got up and let them in the room . He led them to a table that was beautifully set . All the brothers ate their fill and were led to bedrooms for the night . The next morning , the little man got the eldest brother . He brought him to a stone table on which were inscribed three challenges . If the challenges were completed the enchantment on the castle would be taken away . The first task was to pick up a thousand pearls in the forest from the princess 's necklace . The eldest brother only found three . Because he failed , he was turned to stone . The next day , the second brother was tested , but he did not even find two hundred pearls . He was also turned to stone . The third day , it was Simpleton 's turn . Simpleton was soon overwhelmed with how difficult the task was . He sat down on a rock to cry . The king of the ants which he had saved from his brothers just happened to show up with five thousand ants . These ants gathered up all of the princess 's pearls and put them in a heap for Simpleton . Simpleton had completed the first task . The second task was the fetch the key to the princess 's bedchamber . It was at the bottom of the lake . Because Simpleton had saved the ducks on the lake , the ducks dove down under the water and brought him the key . Simpleton had completed the second task . The third task was very difficult . There were three princesses and they all looked exactly alike . The only way to tell the difference between them , was by figuring out what they had eaten before they went to sleep . One daughter had eaten a bit of sugar , another had eaten syrup and the third had eaten honey . The daughter who had eaten honey was the youngest daughter to the king and was the daughter which must be sought out by Simpleton . Because Simpleton had also saved a hive of bees , the queen of that hive came to his aid . She tasted the lips of all three of the daughters and stayed on the mouth of the daughter that had eaten the honey . Because Simpleton found the right princess , the enchantment was ended . Everyone who had been turned to stone was alive again . Simpleton married the youngest daughter and the older brothers married the two older sisters . This story does remind me of The Golden Bird . Simpleton and the youngest son in that tale were both thought to be a few crayons short of a box , but they did accomplish great things despite their simplicity . The older brothers in each tale looked down on their youngest brother . I am kind of glad all the brothers in this tale lived . I was getting depressed with all these siblings dying because of their ill - deeds . This tale is three - heavy . I think I 'm going to make that a new word , well , at least a new word for me . Someday , maybe , I 'll write a dictionary according to me , not that many people would be interested in such a thing . We have three brothers . They try to kill three things . They have three chances . There are three tasks . There are three sisters . Three , three , three , and … oh yeah , three . We 've already established three as this number of completeness . It 's a number of proving . When three things are performed , a result can happen . We have this recurring theme that you should not be cruel to animal life . It 's here again and , this time , it 's even more extreme than some of the other tales in which we 've encountered the theme . Usually , we 're talking about dogs or a donkey , or whatever , but this tale has us talking about ducks , ants , and bees . Some of us can understand the duck thing . We don 't go around killing ducks generally . If you saw a duck , your first thought would probably not be to kill it . You would more likely feed it bread by the pond . I do say that as a generality , of course , there are people who do hunt ducks and their first thought would be to actually kill it . As far as the bees and ants , most of us aren 't very fond of bees an ants . They both bite / sting and it freaking hurts . If you see an ant nest in your yard , your first thought is to demolish it . For the past two years , it has been my pleasure to get my water hose and spray the little ant colonies ants try to create in my driveway . If I spray them enough times , they either are so demoralized or they have lost so many of their numbers that they simply give up trying to live there . I 'm not exactly a champion of ants . I just poisoned some with boric acid a couple of weeks ago . Even though I 'm quite the ant murderer , I do get what this story is saying . These are still living creatures . You 're not supposed to kill them for the heck of it . You 're not supposed to hold magnifying glasses over them on a sunny day and watch them burn . The bees are something I am kinder towards . I haven 't been stung in years , so that 's probably why I 've been kinder to them . Bees pollinate flowers including the flowers that make your food . They also make honey , which tastes great , so I tend to let bees do their own thing . There are people who freaking hate bees though and will kill any type of bee - looking thing . Is it a yellow jacket ? Is it a hornet ? Is it a honey bee ? They don 't care . It 's dead . There are people who will kill bees for the heck of it , even though they totally shouldn 't because we 're having a bit of a bee shortage these days . These people are jerks . Bees aren 't cuddly . You 're not going to have pet bees . You 're not going to get a bee hive for your kids . Bees are not really an animal that you would consider a cause to champion for , yes , bees are technically in the kingdom of animalia , they are animals , insects are under the umbrella of animalia . One a side note , spiders are not insects , they 're arachnids , still animals , but not insects . Most of us don 't look at insects in the same way that we look at kittens , which is totally fine with me . As a result , we don 't feel the same kind of pity for insects , which isn 't that big of a deal in our every day lives , but if you 're a nature - loving person , it might be something that gets to you . It might irritate you a little that life , even a small life , isn 't respected . This story just goes to show us that life if life . Death is death and torture is torture . Good deeds are good to do . If you do a good deed , the person who receives that deed might pay you back , or they might pass the deed on . It happens . Good things can happen when people do good things . This youngest brother , Simpleton , saves these animals from his brothers ' wrath and cruelty , and is paid back . These animals come to help him when he needed it most . That 's just a great story right there . This story isn 't heavy on culture , history , or politics , but it is heavy on morals . We should respect all forms of life . We should do good deeds to people . We also should not assume that just because a person is simple that they cannot do great things . I like this story . It 's cute and clever in ways that many stories aren 't .
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The jeep roared across the desert plain , tires crushing the skulls of a forgotten people , killed long before the birth of the two men in the jeep . The driver and the passenger wore ragged uniforms of flannel and leather , goggles wrapped around their necks just in case of a dust storm . The rusty pieces of metal served as dog tags hung halfway down their chests . On each tag was a number that was tatted on to top of their right wrist . Jones , drove like always , Kramer sat passenger , smoking a rolled cigarette he made before getting into the jeep . Specks of tobacco still lingering on his pants . The contract was to collect from a neighboring settlement , with a high price that could be distributed between the two of them . Jones had his fear since they only had seven bullets between them , 3 for Jones 's . 45 and 4 in Kramer 's 9mm magazine . They still had the knives , elegant and fine , or brutal with dash of gore . All good Scalp Collectors had their knives . " I don 't know . I didn 't like her feet . " Kramer said , scratching his thick but short beard . The hit a small hole and threw them around in the vehicle . It lacked doors on both sides or even seat belts so they held on as if lost in a sand storm . This was common place in the desert . " Well , it 's not like you were going to get a foot job , or suck her toes or some shit . " Jones said , smiling . They would often talk on their journeys . Usually , about anything even during the scalping process . The job itself was common place for the both , their conversations kept things interesting . " Fuck no ! I broke up with her too ! We spend all day looking at broken shit , I don 't want to come home to a girl who looks like broken shit . " " Why the hell do they always write Sanctuary on their signs ? That won 't stop us , nor would it stop anybody else from attacking them . " Jones said . The jeep slide through the entrance gate . One guard tower stood with nobody in it . " Real fucking safe . " Jones said , shaking his long hair back . They rolled down the street , kicking up dust as they did . The street was crowded with old rusted cars and ragged buildings . Most looked completed with old pieces of metal and rotted pieces of lumber . Kramer doubted that any of the cars still functioned , but something sat sour in his stomach as they drove on . " If no one in the guard tower , you think someone picked this place off already ? " " No idea . " Jones replied as her drove the jeep into the middle of the town square . Burned out buildings surrounded a fountain . A statue once stood in the middle of the fountain , but had since fallen over . Only the legs remained and a plaque that read , " Ghost t , he First Survivor . " Jones parked the jeep in front of the old fountain . Kramer slid out of the vehicle , taking a look down into the old fountain and saw how dry it was . He spat into the bottom and adjusted the gun on his waist . " What about you , man ? Any girls lately ? " Checking the cylinder of his revolver , Jones replied . " I was all drunk down at the Way Station . Some older lady was talking to me about how her boyfriend was cut to pieces by some Head Hunters . Well , I was trying to go home , but the bitch followed me back to my place . I had just shut the door and was taking my boots off when she just kind of walked in and instantly took her top off . " I mean this wasn 't anything good either . She probably had like 15 years on me and her tits hung in different directions . I yelled at her to get out , but she walked over to my bar and started grabbing all the jars of liquor I had and ran out the door topless . She left her shirt and everything at my place . She was fucking gross , man . Boils on her neck and cheeks . I 'm sure there was one on her nipple . It was like she bathed in a tub of radiation . She wasn 't even worth a scalp . " They found a town hall sign sitting outside an old white house . It was rare to see a three - story building still intact in the world anymore . It could have been a nice property years ago , but the siding on the home was faded and falling off , accompanied by every window being broken . The dead grass was long and yellowed in the dirt . The skeleton of a young tree still stood like a corpse of hope . It somehow tried to grow in this world but was prematurely killed , thanks to dehydration . Very common in these parts of the world . Kramer took the gun from his left and let it hang lazily from his fingers for a quicker draw . " Let 's just walk in . If anyone is even in there . " They walked side by side . Kramer trying to hide the limp in his leg where shrapnel hit him in the knee . Kramer always used to drive them to the jobs till that bomb went off . His leg gave out quite a bit and made it difficult to step on the gas pedal . It was one of many scars that were drawn over the bodies of each collector . They walked the steps up to the town hall , barely glancing at the skeleton that sat in a chair as they did . The door swung open on its own and the head of a spear appeared in the darkness . The Scalp Collectors drew their weapons with lighting speed . They had been there , done that more than they care to . A worn woman stepped into view , dressed in a dirty pink blouse , gray strands of hair were spread , throughout her brown hair . The Collectors had seen leather that looked better than her skin . Her eyes were aware , but tired all the same . " I am Gretchen , leader of Meadow 's Sanctuary . What brings collectors out this far from your safe zone ? " Arnold Jay Fletcher . Under Violation of propaganda publishing some 20 years ago , resulted in a riot that killed 7 of The Queen 's men . " Jones said this without a stutter . Kramer did most of the talking , but Jones memorized all the data . " Treason , is it ? " Kramer asked . " You know we could probably get more for your scalp if we say we got that leather from a cow . " For a second they steadied the weapons higher , but shook with a magnitude of a fear they have once felt before . Jones saw from the corner of his eye that two more of her people had come out from around the building , spears in hand . " Give up Arnold or I will turn around and shoot both of your men in their spineless guts . You can 't trick us . " For a moment , neither of the men thought she was going to give in . " Fine , " She finally said . " Stand down . We don 't have the fire power anymore to stop them . Follow me Skin takers ! " She walked passed them down the steps with her head held high , as if this was to show she still had the power . Her spearmen followed her at her sides and the Scalp Collectors walked closely by . " No , it was a gang of your Skin Takers . Dressed and acted just like the both of you . " She didn 't show her face as if to hide her discomfort . A chill could be heard and felt from her voice that made both shiver somewhere deep within them . " Seven , " spearmen Corey said , " All had bigger guns than both of you . All took our guns and by night they took churns with some of the children and a couple of the older girls . Killed a couple of them that fought back . Still had their way with the bodies though . " They came upon on an old house that looked in better shape than the other ruined houses . Kramer thought it still looked like a piece of shit , but better than most . Jones checked all the windows , looking out for any snipers that Gretchen declined to mention . " I 'm sure they would like to see my knife tricks if they get panicky . Drag his ass out of here . You guys are going to want to see Kramer scalp this guy all savage ! You are in for a treat ! " Jones sat back and looked at the spearmen who all eye fucked him raw . They all were skinny with scars and patches of hair across their bodies . Either shirtless or wearing the remains of once a shirt , Corey was a part of that category . " So , what do you all do for fun around here ? " Jones asked and felt the tension thick in the air . " You guys have any movies , like an old projector to show all those films they used to make a long time ago ? " " We don 't have electric anything . " One of the spearmen answered . He had a large gap in his mouth where his two front teeth were missing . Jones didn 't know what color those teeth were , but he guessed they were as brown as the others . " Yeah , it 's a true wonder to live in a safe zone that our Queen gives us . It 's just as dangerous as this place , but it does have lights . Freezers to keep meat longer , and a movie is played every night . Giant walls to keep intruders out . It is real nice . " Jones had never thought it that way . His queen had always been good to them , providing them with contracts to make the land a safer place , showing that crime will not be tolerated . Since he was born , the walls kept Headhunters , walking corpses , and rabid animals out . As a child he felt safe , but now that he was older , it was the gun that kept him safe , and that little bit of paranoia that hung in his brain , kept his fingers on the handle of his revolver . " GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ! " Kramer yelled , dragging a short , round little man out onto the porch . The little man , Arnold , matched the contract description . The details were very elaborate , especially when it came to the pointed wart under his left eye , sticking out like a cone . His finger nails scratched at the porch as Kramer dragged him to the dirt . Gretchen stepped out of the doorway , her arms crossed with distaste . Kramer removed his knife . A long crude thing that shined under the broken sun . The blade was zigzagged , almost like a lightning bolt . It was the same knife he had used since he started hunting scalps . " Now , this will hurt a lot , " Kramer explained . " But if you don 't squirm too much , it will come off quick and easy as those sheep skin condoms you all wear . You know , the ones you make from the intestines . So , we will begin at the middle of your forehead and pull it all the way to the middle of your skull and cut it free . You cool with that ? " " Let us begin . " Kramer said and dug part of his knife into the middle of the forehead . Fresh beads of blood rolled down his face and Kramer jerked his knife to an angle and began skinning up . The little man squirmed and yelled in pain , but he couldn 't alter Kramer 's skill . He was a pro at what he did . Kramer laughed as he got to the hair line of Arnold . The skin was peeled back from his forehead , looking like a bloody rag , pushed into a roll . " I mean isn 't like fucking the animal too , since your using its guts to keep you - . " Kramer ran the blade across the top of the skull , the zigzags in the blade helped cut and peel back . He made it look as simple as slicing a hunk of butter . Kramer was a little uneven , but when Jones would perform the procedure , he was straightforward and had a perfect rolled scalp by the end of it . One final slice and he cut the scalp away from the skull , dropping Arnold into the dirt . His bloody face caked the dirt and he looked like a ragged mess , shaking and sobbing like a child . Jones reached into a leather baggy that hung from the side of his belt where he kept the powder . " Keep rolling in the dirt like that you are gonna get a nasty infection . Hold still , this powder will clean it and stop the bleeding . " Jones took a handful of the salt looking mixture and slapped it across the open head wound . Arnold yelled so loud he made both Scalp Collectors step back with laughter . The power caused a burning sensation across his skull , white bubbles foamed over and rolled down his face as he screamed like a child . For a split moment , Kramer felt sorry for the poor man , but the he looked down at the fresh scalp and the feeling went away . They were about to get paid . " Is that all ? " Gretchen asked . She was still standing on the porch with her arms crossed , a look in her face like she wanted to draw blood . Jones looked back at all the spearmen , but they looked away in utter disgust for what they just witnessed . Arnold had calmed down to just a light sob . Shock had quieted him down some . Hoping into the jeep , Jones rolled up the scalp and handed back to Kramer so he could start up the jeep . " If I hurry I can get us back by dark . Maybe get some tacos at the pub ? " Before Kramer could answer Gretchen walked in front of the vehicle with her arms crossed . Her spearmen surrounded the car , spear pointed as if to block them in . " New development . " Jones mumbled . " I will tell you what 's going to happen . Jones and I are going to shoot each of these savage motherfuckers in their dicks and rape them with their own spears . Jones will run you over and spin the tires across your rubber face . Then we are going to scalp all of them , drive home and have steak for dinner . How does that sound ? " " You seem certain of yourselves . Tell me , what are you going to do about those rogue scalp collectors ? Will you let them dishonor the codes you live by , or are you going to deliver them The Queen 's justice ? " " Well the leader had long white hair and two crosses tatted on both of his cheeks . He forced me to watch as he raped my daughter . Make it painful . " Gretchen eyes watered as if she was seeing it all over again . Jones and Kramer eyed each other . Jones nodded and Kramer lowered his gun . " Let them through ! " Gretchen yelled and the Scalp Collectors rolled by , kicking up dust and decay from a world once lived . " The Great Duke himself ? How the fuck are we supposed to handle him ? The Queen lets him control thirty - six settlements . He could have an army after us even if we mention his name ! " " We can 't risk it . This could backfire on us and The Queen might want our scalps . It would be us against the world and eventually some fuck could come along and feed us to the reaper . " Stories We Tell Our Dead : This is my collection of short stories with a novella ( The Glass Spider ) included . This was originally suppose to be a serious collection with a lighter tone , but I said fuck that and took it from a nice PG13 to a NC17 . Should be out soon ! Scalp Collectors : My free novel that I am releasing chapter by chapter on this blog . It is about 2 guys who live in a wasteland of a world and collect scalps for their government . A dose of spaghetti western , mixed with some apocalypse , and a dash of horror . It only makes the best dark comedy ! A Life on Mended Wings : A story about a 20 something trying to survive in the world . A novel filled with theories , criticism , broken hearts , sex , booze and personal hell . Though the book is fiction , it is all based on real stories from my own life . Do these sound interesting ? Do you even give a fuck ? We shall find out ! Thanks for reading and keeping it all alive . From the bottom of my lonely heart I do appreciate all my support ! For once in his life , Hoagie 's sleep was undisturbed . Tossing and turning , waking to the sweat stained pillow , fresh tears rolling into his white beard . His wife Meryl would wake up and try to comfort him on those nights , anything from holding him to small whispers of reassurance . Meryl was a strong woman and that is why he married her , but he found it hard to believe she never had a nightmare about their dead daughter . He laid awake trying to remember what part of the dream lingered in his head the night before . Willow , his only child . Hoagie saw her in his dreams most nights , usually they consisted of how he found her , blue face submerged in the pool . She was only eight at the time and nowadays she would have been 34 . The dreams he tried to repress but last night 's had got him thinking . " Did you have a nightmare ? " Meryl said . The sun was coming through their bedroom window and lit up her bright face . Hoagie could still see traces of the young woman he fell in love with in college . Her hair was blonde with many gray streaks , but her light brown eyes still showed so much life . Meryl 's cheeks were wrinkled now but the smile still powered through all of it . Hoagie pulled his arm around her and cradled her in their bed . Hoagie knew that Meryl loved to hear his stories , he had always been a story teller and his requests were famous . When he is drunk at the bar he will go on about anything , some people did see him as the town drunk , but everyone seemed to love him anyways . Hoagie loved people and wouldn 't harm a soul and some of his stories came straight out of his heart . " She was standing across the room playing with the pictures on the desk . She moving them around and I watched her and I didn 't think I was dreaming . Willow had her hair tied back and she was wearing this little yellow dress . I had never seen that dress before . When she looked at me she was smiling . She came over to the bed and kissed me on the check . I wrapped my arms around her and felt the cold . I grew scared for a minute but then she reassured me . ' Don 't worry daddy . You can come see me real soon . I won 't be cold anymore . ' I wanted to speak but no words would come out . Her face was just a beautiful as it was all those years ago . Still our baby girl . She walked to the doorway and said , ' I will see you soon daddy . ' She walked out and disappeared and that 's when I woke up . " " I wondered that for a minute , but what was strange is , I caught a drink with Ronnie last night , but only one . When I came home you were already in bed and I pulled out that 18 year scotch and had a single glass . Normally I can 't sleep without a buzz , but I did last night . It was like something in the air didn 't want me to have a hangover . " " Maybe your drunken dreams are why you have nightmares all the time , you know ? " Meryl said turning to him . " You are a good man to the bone and even your drunken self is still likeable . You know I have never been hard on you for your drinking . I think maybe you are just growing old . " " I think my white beard and hair already prove that . I don 't think that 's it . " Hoagie said . " I think I am going to quit drinking . " " Today . My drink last night was the last one . I have always had thoughts that maybe my drinking with Ronnie had really helped push him to the bottle . " " You can 't put that on yourself , " Meryl began . " That boy had been through hell with his momma dying and his dad 's accident last year . You know better than anyone that Gary Queen wasn 't afraid of that bottle . He could drink a case of beer to himself and he wasn 't the happiest of drunks . " Ronnie Queen was a boy in his twenties that Hoagie has known his entire life . After Willow died , Hoagie and Meryl moved from Champaign , Illinois to the riverside town of Talon , Illinois right by the border of St , Louis . His first week here he met a man at a bar known as Gary Queen . A mean Texas drunk who had a scar down the side of his head . At the time his wife , Joanna was pregnant with their first and only kid . Hoagie and Meryl have seen Ronnie grow since he was a baby and into his mid - twenties now . Ever since Gary died last year , Ronnie moved into his dad 's house with his dog and became really reclusive . Only Hoagie visits with him and he only shows his face in public when he 's working or down at the bar . " As she walked towards the doorway she turned and said , " You couldn 't do any better . " Her smile matched Willow 's . She headed down the stairs . Hoagie sat up in bed and looked over at the pictures Willow had been playing with . He stretched and heard all his old bones pop as he stumbled over to the desk . His legs weren 't as good as they used to be . What Hoagie did notice was that Willow had moved Ronnie 's picture from the back towards the very front right next to hers . Those photos had never been moved and now Hoagie could see a dust line from where the picture used to sit . Ronnie 's photo was angled so it blocked a photo of him and Meryl from their wedding , Now , Ronnie 's photo stood out with Meryl and Willow around him . He did not have the urge to ask his wife if she had moved these . No reason to fill her mind that their daughter was a ghost . " I will see you soon daddy . " Her voice still echoed in his mind . He kissed her picture and sat down , but still left Ronnie 's where Willow had left it , blocking Hoagie out of view point and in that moment he saw the faces to the three people he cared about the most , Meryl , Willow , and Ronnie . Hoagie wondered into the upstairs bathroom and brushed his teeth . He admired the fact his eyes weren 't bloodshot and that he didn 't need to throw up . When finished he got dressed and headed downstairs where Meryl had already got some bacon fried . " Did you want any eggs to go with this ? " she asked . " Afraid not . I think every ice fisherman in town knows this may be our only day to fish this year . I can 't wait around too long . " Hoagie grabbed a piece of finished bacon , crisp and nearly burnt . Hoagie 's favorite kind of bacon . " I got a turkey sandwich for you on the table right there . Make sure you grab a bottle of water to take with you ! Don 't forget your tackle box this time ! " She turned and grabbed Hoagie 's bearded face and kissed him deeply . " I know you do . That 's why I chose to stick around so much . " Her smile warmed Hoagie 's heart . He saw so much of his daughter in her face . Some beautiful things could be hidden in the deepest places . It was in these moments that Hoagie could sense his daughter was still alive . Her spirit was in their love , the very love that created her in the first place . It was a constant cycle , a rotation that his heart went through with his family . He knew that when they all are dead and buried , they would find each other in another life and live through all the pain and joy again . Hoagie wouldn 't trade anything else in the world . Hoagie knew Ronnie was haunted by the deaths in his family and what the boy never understood was how Hoagie always tried to explain it to him . The only way he got over Willow 's death was by the love he shared with his wife . He saw the pieces of his daughter fall from their companionship like a massive puzzle he could put together . Ronnie shared no love with anybody and the only girl that ever loved him was thrown away after his dad died . This angered Hoagie and Meryl to death . Ronnie and his ex - Stephanie were together for so long . They almost saw her like another daughter . It was these tragic turn of events that bothered Hoagie the most about Ronnie . Some things you just couldn 't teach certain people . He always tried to tell Ronnie , " It takes life and death to help us break free . " But he never understood . Hoagie guessed that he would have to keep telling the boy . At moments he wanted to tell Ronnie to do some real soul searching . Willow 's death still haunted Hoagie 's dreams , but that is only because he found her dead and those images can 't leave his mind . In his nightmares he still feels guilty for an obvious accident . It 's nothing he could have been prevented . It 's the dice God rolled for their family . That is what Walter , the pastor used to say . Walter was no longer the pastor these days . He recently stepped down to spend more time with his family . Hoagie didn 't blame him . The bacon was scarfed down in minutes , washed down with coffee . He grabbed his supplies and was heading out the door . Meryl grabbed his arm , " Bring back dinner . " She kissed him and Hoagie went on his way . He felt the sun touch his face and Hoagie wanted to get lost in it . Most January days were always so gray . The sun could always help represent a good day and he knew Ronnie was kicking himself for missing this . Work was important in some matters of Hoagie 's life , but he would drop his job if his life needed a change . When Willow died he quit being a teacher . The drive and the passion was lost because of this invisible veil that was thrown around a room of teenagers . He knew one day she would become a teenager and he might have been her teacher , as the years would grow closer to this it began to drive him crazy . So , Hoagie quit and moved himself and his wife into Talon for a new start . Meryl worked as a florist in town and Hoagie took a job down at one of the factories down by the river . He mostly did assembly line work with little trinkets like pens and such . As the years past he took a shift manager position which worked out well when he would roll into work with a hangover . Then a couple years back he took over as the lead floor head , where he mostly just managed the place for the owners . Paperwork at a desk felt good for Hoagie . His aged body just didn 't have the strength it once did . This beautiful Saturday wasn 't going to make him think about work . Hoagie jumped into his car and drove down to Crowclaw Lake . A strange lake with it being the shape of a bird 's foot . Talon was a town full of abandon coal mines , now they were deserted tunnels , some of which were turned into a lake . Crowclaw Lake . Hoagie had heard people around town referring Talon as Crowclaw . He assumed there wasn 't much of a difference . The town had its share of a strange past . Hoagie looked into a lot of it in his early days when he was curious to learn of the strange town . Native Americans had left the area for unknown reasons . They were quoted as saying the ground had gone sour . This was a lost to the white settlers in the area , since they were able to grow crops a few miles away from the shore of the Illinois River . The river itself was full of fish and the land was full of wild game . It wasn 't until the town began to grow did it all become a little strange . It started with a man who killed his entire family with a pitchfork , before locking all of his life stock in a barn and burning it down with a barrel of gun powder . He revealed to the town that a mysterious man in a fancy suit had told him to murder his family and his livestock for they were " tainted . " When Hoagie had discovered a hidden pond known as " The Pit , " he had to investigate its history . That was when he learned about the witch burnings that occurred in the town . Children had apparently gone missing and the town went insane . After the mining was finished and the lake was filled , the mayor at the time was found dead by the water . A crow 's foot was stuck in his throat , he had apparently tried to eat the bird . It was then they began calling the lake , Crowclaw . The mayor 's widow was so upset she drown their children in the lake and hanged herself from a tree nearby . They eventually cut the tree down when they built a park there and it became known as " Widow 's Park . " Hoagie thought of how fascinating and creepy the town 's history was . Talon had blood , thick , red , and dripping in the pages of the town 's history book . Every time he walked passed Widow 's Park , he had to stop and think about all the dark history in that very place . He almost wished the tree would still be there . It would almost be too real for him . Yes the town was dripping in red . A few times Hoagie borrowed some books from the library to take home . He would sit in his favorite easy chair , with a drink and read all the horrible tales the town had . There was the disaster in 1874 , where a Ferry boat exploded right out by the riverside when travelers got on . It was loaded and ready to go when it erupted , killing everyone on board . They said barrels of bourbon were in the storage and maybe a small flame from a lantern may have erupted them . The school burning on 1901 was a fascinating one . 57 children were burned up inside . No reason for the flames was ever given . Hoagie 's personal favorite of the dark tales was the one of a giant bird . A giant bird had attacked a small child in 1904 . A boy was walking to the newly built school when a bird flew down and picked him up . Reports say the bird had a wingspan of over forty feet , with a black body , a white ring around its neck and rows of razor sharp teeth inside of its needle sized beak . The bird had flown off into the woods with the boy and his body was never found , nor was the bird ever seen again in Talon . A recent thing that Hoagie had experienced was the missing girl , Marissa Lynch . A girl in her late teens that was seen ice skating around different frozen water holes in Talon . She had been seen everywhere , from little ponds that farmer 's owned , to Crowclaw Lake , and it was rumored even at The Pit . Hoagie had seen the girl many times before she vanished . A real pretty girl he thought . The town seemed more devastated by her loss than most . Her family moved away out of depression . The same way Hoagie and Meryl moved away when Willow died . The pressure could be too much to handle and the only cure was an escape from reality . The body was never found and the worse was feared . Her family declared her dead and a tombstone was erected in the Talon Cemetery . Just another reminder of a missing girl , so gone that even the ground was estranged of a body . Hoagie shuddered at such thoughts . These memories led to him thinking of Willow , decomposing in a tiny little casket . Hoagie 's mind tended to wonder . He always had to retrieve it or the depression would sink in and he would become thirsty . Today was the first day sober so he had no intention of breaking the seal so early . Never in his life did he ever think that he would be trying to get sober . Meryl never pushed him to , and no one ever said he should . He did have a reputation as a town drunk , but even Hoagie knew he was a fun town drunk . He did do some things that he was glad he couldn 't remember , like the time he pissed in the corner of a bar as he apparently said , " To mark his territory . " He was banned from that bar but that didn 't seem to bother him much since the owner was arrested for apparently having some involvement in some sex trafficking . The bar was closed and reopened as " The Talon Pub . " Terrible drink prices , so Hoagie never went back . Usually , Hoagie went drinking after a day at the lake . Today was not that day . Ronnie will probably be a bit confused that he quit drinking . He wouldn 't see as much of the boy now . He would have to have Meryl invite him over for dinner soon . As Hoagie approached the lake he grew excited . This place was his sanctuary and his home of a good time . The lake was vast and a popular fishing place for everyone in town . Hoagie had pretty good luck with the walleyes out on some of these points . Three years ago , he caught his biggest walleye through the ice . Gary Queen laughed at Hoagie trying to wrestle the fish out of his hole . It seemed rare at times to see Gary laugh . Normally he would just complain . If there was one thing Hoagie could clear up about the late Gary Queen was that man spent most of his talking in the field of complaints . If Gary was still alive he would be out there for sure . That man never passed up a good Saturday for ice fishing . Gary told Hoagie that the only reason he moved to Illinois was for the different weather seasons . He claimed the deer hunting and fishing was much better in Illinois over Texas . Hoagie didn 't have much of an opinion on it . The outdoors were ways of dealing with stress , something he used to do with his grandpa when Hoagie was a little boy . He just enjoyed doing it as a hobby , plus Meryl was an extremely good cook with wild game . He could appreciate a woman who could take a simple rabbit and make it into a fine dining quality dish . The drive took Hoagie off from the city and farther into the country where it was mostly farmland and wilderness . The roads whipped around with tight curves , whitening the knuckle of every driver who flew around the curves . With not much reaction time Hoagie usually got a kick out of this . The adrenaline of his youth still flooded him to take things to the limit . It did feel good to be young some days . Today was the perfect day to feel like this . Passing the sign that read , " Widow 's Park " Hoagie pulled into one of the parking spots , trying to be extra careful parking in between the lines since the snow and ice was still thick in some parts of the spot . Getting out of his truck he walked towards the ice , noticing the several cars in the parking lot and seeing the ice shacks out in the middle . That was fine by Hoagie because he was going to take one of the points instead . Stepping on the ice Hoagie walked , almost following some coyote prints that have left their mark in the fresh powder that was still on the ice . The trail took him to the point he wanted to be with the prints heading off onto the bank . Hoagie wondered if the wildlife every really benefited from a frozen lake . Easy access for a predator on the hunt , but what if they little guy just fell in ? He doubted it happened often , but couldn 't be sure on the survival . Falling through ice was something Hoagie had never done before and he didn 't plan on starting it at all . Hoagie dragged his ice shack behind him . It slid easily on the ice , his auger and bucket were sitting on top . Sometimes he found it difficult to put the shack up by himself . Gary and Ronnie usually just sat on buckets even on the coldest days . You could envy someone like that , Hoagie thought . Gary Queen was especially good in terrible climates . He got hurt a lot but he could sit for hours in the pouring rain . The outdoors never seemed to bother the man , just everything else that was around him , like his only child . Ronnie was a lot like his father . He seemed miserable for a good amount of the day and he spent a lot of his free time in the outdoors . There were times where Hoagie was thrown off guard by how Ronnie could swear and drink like his late father , they even looked alike for the exception of Ronnie 's dyed hair and his eye color . Hoagie would say Ronnie had his mother 's eyes but Hoagie saw something else in him . They weren 't as bright as his late mothers were . They were a dark green , almost the color of evergreen leaves in the heart of the summer Ronnie also had something else different from his father . He had heart , something Gary always took for granted and the one thing his mother broke . No matter how much shit occurred in Ronnie 's life , Hoagie knew there was a brilliant person inside of him . It came out during the times he was most comfortable . Hoagie attended both his father and his mother 's funerals and he never saw the boy cry . He mourned on his own time he guessed but the thoughts did cross his mind . Is something hiding deeper within him ? What is he holding in ? What is behind those eyes ? Meryl treated him like her own son and Hoagie always appreciated that . He was a good kid with an even better head on his shoulders . Gary and Joanna Queen went to their graves without ever knowing who their son truly was , but that 's because they weren 't his parents , Hoagie knew Meryl and himself were . They gave him the care he needed , but something 's they could never fix . When Hoagie was a teenager , he got angry at the world when his grandpa died . He once spent an entire weekend hiding in the woods . He had no food and was drinking out of a nearby creek . Hoagie did a lot of soul searching that day and really found himself . He would feel and hear his grandfather 's voice telling him how to live . It was like a vision quest that Native American 's used to do . He wondered if Ronnie should attempt the same . It seemed as if a heat wave had fallen across the lake as Hoagie began nearing his position . It felt hard to breathe like the air was thick and heavy beads of sweat was glistening down his face . Unbuttoning his coat , he pushed on trying not to sweat too much . As soon as he lays still the air will freeze it too him . He wished Ronnie was here at that moment to take the load off of his back . Stopping for a minute hoagie sat on the shack and took his bottle of water out of the bucket and slammed half it down , a little bead of water had fallen into his beard . Hoagie wasn 't feeling much better as his stomach tossed and turned the liquid . When he stood up he felt a bit dizzy , but he kept on , marching to the next stop . A chore it became for him to lift each leg up to take another step , a process he has done a thousand times before that was becoming a hassle . " Boy , I sure am getting fucking old . " Hoagie said . He tried to never swear around Meryl . He never understood why men swore around women at all . A slow aching pain was occurring in his shoulders and began to grow rapidly . Hoagie still trekked on with nothing but his desire to fish to help motivate him to his destination . The dizziness was growing worse and the pain in his shoulders was moving to his chest . Feeling weak all over Hoagie could feel himself falling before it happened . He fell face first down onto the ice of the lake . Fresh powder of snow greeted his left cheek when he landed . Hoagie tried to pick himself up but he had become short of breath and the dizziness was worse . He tried calling for help but he couldn 't spare the lack of oxygen to get his voice going . The pain in his chest was becoming fearsome and he rolled over to get to his little cell phone that was laying in his bucket . Hoagie almost never used it , but he was going to need to get to it to call for help . Dragging himself up onto the bucket , he knocked it over , spilling the contents out onto the ice . His poles rolled and his tackle spilled all around in front of him , the sandwich Meryl made him , and his phone slid the farthest away from him . Hoagie launched himself at the phone , it was a black flip phone and he opened it to turn it on but couldn 't remember what the button was . By the time he got the phone 's logo to appear on the screen , Hoagie could no longer read it , his vision was blurry and he could barely breathe . His chest was made of fire as it felt like everything was collapsing inside of him . Hoagie had to lay his head back down on the ice , not because he wanted to , but because he had no choice too . He closed his eyes wishing Ronnie was here to help him . He was such a good boy . Hoagie opened his eyes to see Willow standing over him . Hoagie jumped up and wrapped his arms around her , feeling her soft skin , smelling her beautiful hair , he kissed her warm cheeks multiple times . " I told you I would be seeing you soon daddy ! " " Oh , Willow ! " it was all Hoagie could say . The image of his daughter made him unaware that the pain in his chest was gone or that all of his strength was back . His little girl was in his arms after all these years . Hoagie stood up and held her little hand . He almost couldn 't believe she was real . " Let me grab my stuff and I will show you how . " Hoagie said , sobbing wildly as he did . " No , daddy ! " Willow began . " This way ! I know a better place . We can catch fish all day , but you have to bait my hook and take the fishes off my pole . Fish are gross ! " Memories of Ronnie flooded back to him , the boy had heart and could conquer anything . " He is going to be fine sweetie . You don 't worry about him . He will find himself , he just has to . " " This way daddy ! " Willow yelled as she ran , tugging on Hoagie 's arm . He ran and they both laughed as they ran into the bright distance . Hoagie had no idea where he was , but Willow was with him and he had never been happier .
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cockpit and even though it only about 4pm , I had a beer . We were exhausted and exhilarated . We 'd done it . We couldn 't believe how high the winds were , but we knew it Back when we only had small boats , we used to take one of them down the Eno River to Falls Lake at sunset and paddle around and watch the sky change colors . Eric had the whole thing figured out with headlamps and an intimate knowledge of the way back in the dark . He 'd even pack a beer or two to enjoy on the lake . Now that we have Willadine at the lake , we do this even more easily . When the sun gets low in the sky , we start to get antsy to get away from the dock . This weekend , the winds are southwesterly and so we get to sail off into the sunset . As soon as the sun is down , I get nervous to start heading back , but Eric never wants to let go of the beauty of dusk . It is lovely to watch the stars come out and it 's dark enough on the lake out of season to see the Milky Way and everything . We 've finally figured out how to find John 's place fairly easily , although getting back in with the motor acting finicky has been interesting . Fortunately , the boat has paddles and it is possible to actually acquire forward motion with them if there is little or no wind . We 've used them to made ( gentle ) contact with several docks . Last night Ansel managed to grill turkey burgers while we were underway . We limped into the dock on one cylinder after paddling a bit to stay out of the shallows and enjoyed our burgers in the cockpit . Luxury . One of the great things about our new boat was that she was as yet unnamed , which meant we got to name her . We 'd looked at several other boats with stupid names and I wouldn 't tempt fate by re - naming a boat , terrible bad luck . Our Hunter 23 . 5 has a wave on the side in purple and green ( I know ) and the word " Hunter " for the manufacturer . Lucy wanted a name to go with Hunter , being a huge fan of a series of books authored by Erin Hunter . She suggested Dolphin Hunter , Dolphin Dancer and we went on with that thinking of things like Wind Dancer or something like that . From there I thought about Skybird and how I 'd always thought it was a silly name ( sorry Darrel ) because she 's not a Sky Bird , but a Sea Bird . So I suggested Seabird , but it didn 't quite seem right to name her something so close to Skybird . Our new boat is very special in ways that don 't compare to Skybird . Skybird was a blue water liveaboard 37 - foot beauty with teak details outside and teak / walnut interior . Our new baby is pure fiberglass , pure functionality and we love her just as much . But she needed her own special name . I thought about the different names we 'd seen on boats at the marinas while we 'd been boat - shopping . I asked my mom , who said she 'd suggested the name for my uncle 's boat , Willie 's Girl , after my grandfather ( my aunt being Willie 's baby girl ) . One boat we 'd seen was named Annie Morgan , a classic - sounding boat name , but on the bow of that one was a memorial to a child of that name who had died in her twenties . Can 't have that . We toyed with the names of our girls , but combining three girls names seemed problematic and what about the two boys ? I thought about our mothers . But there seemed no real good way to combine Betsy and Judy . Bedy ? Jutsy ? Ugh . Budy ? No ! Then Eric came home from work and said he 'd thought of a name . It was his beloved grandmother 's middle name : Willadine . It was perfect . I love the name ; willows love water and blow in the wind . Eric adored his grandmother Monzell ( yes , that really was her first name ) but I would never have considered naming the boat Monzell ( god rest her soul ) . But Willadine just sings to me of the perfect boat name . Eric says we have to paint it in fire engine red on the hull , the same color Monzell used to paint her toenails . I think that will be great , but the purple and green wave will have to go . No great loss . I asked Eric if Monzell would have liked the boat and he surprised me by saying no . He doesn 't think she would have liked the heeling under sail . Eric doesn 't much like it either , although he 's starting to get used to it . But I think Monzell would have been very pleased to be honored in this way , whether she would have enjoyed sailing or not . At any rate , she loved her grandson and she would have loved to see him so happy . And boy , are we happy . After our little checkout cruise on Jordan Lake , I was all excited about taking our new baby to the coast . After all , that 's what we bought her for was sailing the sound to the Outer Banks . With a minimum draft of eighteen inches and the ability to " beach " the boat , she 's perfect for sailing the shallow protected waters of the inside waterways of the North Carolina coast that Eric and I longed to explore . I got very busy looking for a marina where we might keep the boat ( which is in dire need of a name , we 're working on it ) with the mast up so she could be launched and ready to sail without the ordeal of raising the mast . I sent email inquiries and talked to some folks in Oriental , the Sailing Capital of NC , but really didn 't find anyplace that worked . One place had mast - up storage ( for $ 150 / mo ) but wanted $ 70 each way to launch and haul out the boat , which is not economically feasible if we 're going every weekend . I was pushing the idea of parking the boat on the trailer at Eric 's friend Ken 's land in Atlantic ( not Atlantic Beach ) on Core Sound near Cedar Island . It 's an ideal place to sail from and there is a boat ramp less than a mile away . We were driving in the car and I was extolling the many virtues of this plan and how we could leave on Friday and Eric quietly said , " We could get into a fight over this . " I knew he was nervous about taking the boat to the coast . And I knew I didn 't want to fight with him about anything , certainly not about the boat , which was our baby and was going to be just pure fun for us both . So I just let go of it . Eric produced his own plan , which involved towing the boat with his Jeep pickup to Lake Gaston , near the NC / Virginia border . His friend , John , had offered to let us keep the boat at his dock and have the use of his house , as we needed it , a very generous offer . My mom lives close by as well and would be able to offer her car and services , including dog - sitting . It was a good arrangement and made sense . Saturday we spent the day puttering around the boat . The first thing we did was to hitch the boat up to the Jeep for a test drive . I held my breath and monitored the cell phone while he drove out of the driveway with the baby in tow . I had wanted to go along , but we decided it would be better if I stayed behind so I could come " rescue " him if need be . There was no need , he went around the block and came back into the driveway satisfied that the Jeep could pull it . Braking was not as easy as he 'd hoped , the stopping distance was greatly increased , but it would stop , eventually . Eric went to the store and got a new fuel filter and a fresh tank of gas for the motor . He filled the porta - potty with water while I collected bedding and towels and foodstuffs for our adventure . He checked in with me that I was ok doing the domestic chores and I told him that since I don 't know how to change the fuel filter , I was happy to do what I could to help get us ready . He showed me how to remove and replace the fuel filter anyway , so I can do it next time . I felt good about that . It took a long time before we were satisfied with the boat 's condition . By the time we had everything , including the dog , loaded up in the Jeep and the boat , it was five o ' clock . It would be dark by the time we got to Lake Gaston , ninety - five miles away . We didn 't care . We were so excited to get our baby on the road and into the water . We agreed that we would sleep in the boat on the trailer in the boat ramp parking lot , if necessary , as long as we got to sleep on the boat . The weather was picture perfect , sunny and a comfortable seventy degrees , which was nice since the truck has no air conditioning . Everything was going along fine . We made our way slowly down the two - lane country roads the four miles to the interstate . One car passed us , but everyone else was patient . I was holding my breath on the on - ramp , the curve seemed so extreme , but everything rode fine . Eric was up to about fifty miles an hour when a tractor - trailer passed us on a downhill and the boat began an alarming sway . Eric kept his cool , slowed down and pulled over to the wide shoulder and the sway stopped . He explained in his quiet way that a sway like that can build up and eventually overturn both boat and vehicle . I felt sick with fear . We would be killed . It was foolishness , this whole boat thing . Who did we think we were ? We had perfectly good lives on land , why did we want to risk our necks dragging a silly boat around ? I thought maybe we should turn around , go back and borrow Ken 's big heavy truck , which had not caused any sway in the boat at all the previous weekend . Eric slowed down a little , commenting grimly that he would have to maintain the minimum of forty - five miles an hour and that the sway was exacerbated on a downhill because the trailer was trying to get ahead of the truck . I practiced my yoga breathing . Eric watched the rearview . " Here comes a Uhaul , " he said , gripping the steering wheel . I cringed . The boat swayed a bit in the side mirror and then stopped . I breathed some more . After a couple more trucks passed and we were still upright , Eric said , " Well , I guess it 's not an adventure without a little sphincter tightening , " and we laughed . Then I went back to breathing . There were just a few more miles on I - 40 and then we 'd get on Hwy 64 for forty miles . I was very nervous about getting on I - 95 after that , because it 's often heavy with truck traffic going eighty - plus , but it was fine . We both breathed easier when we got off onto the short cut , but I was still nervous . We stopped at my mom 's house to drop off the dog , which almost went without a hitch except that we had to stop only slightly pulled off the road and the emergency flashers quit working . Luckily no one hit the boat on the way by and we got back in the truck to find none of the turn signals working . Apparently , the flashers on the trailer caused the fuse to blow , one more thing to fix . Mom told us that her friend , Earl , from joint replacement ( her knee , his hip ) , had said he didn 't think we could leave the truck at the boat ramp overnight , but we figured we 'd check it out when we got there . It was nearly dark , but we were so pumped up with excitement at almost being at the water , we could hardly stand it . We found the boat ramp almost completely deserted and decided to go ahead and launch the boat . We could motor to John 's with the mast down and put it up in the morning . I checked the signs for any warning about no overnight parking and found none . There were some fishermen with a truck and a big motor boat in the parking lot so I asked them and they said it was no problem and they would even keep an eye out for her since they were staying all night themselves . So we turned our attention to getting the boat in the water . We 'd had trouble with Eric driving and my giving poor directions , so we talked a little about it , but we still neglected details like rolling down the passenger side window . But it went fine , Eric backed the truck down the ramp and got the tail pipe wet . He had told me to call out when the boat started to float , but it didn 't . So he pulled forward a bit and then remembered that the chock to hold the tires was in the back of the truck . No problem . I stripped off my shoes and socks and rolled up my pants . And then I was on my back in two feet of water . That ramp was as slick as snot . I mean you hear people say that and this was it . I didn 't even know I was falling until I was down . Which was lucky because I didn 't have time to put out a hand to break the fall . I was totally unharmed . I like to imagine the fishermen hearing the splash and then my hysterical laughter . Eric inquired as to my safety and I assured him I was ok . No sense in him getting wet too , I was already soaked . Luckily , the water was warm and so was the night air . I got the chock set under the truck tire and then Eric got out and let the boat slide back . I took the bow line and our little sweetie slid right off that trailer … and stopped . I pulled . " No ! " I was terrified the boat was hooked on the trailer . We stood there scratching our heads and pulling on the dock line . Right away my brilliant sweetie figured out what was wrong . " It 's the keel . It 's stuck on the keel . " So he jumped on board and pulled up that keel ( really must do something about that ineffective jam cleat ) and she floated free . I tied her off , Eric jumped in the truck and I went to remove the chock . He pulled out of the water with a tremendous splash and wave of water that picked up my shoes , my favorite eighty - dollar shoes , and floated them away . I grabbed one , doing my best not to kill myself slipping on the slime , but the other one disappeared under the dock . I grabbed the flashlight , ran to the other side , but the damn shoe was gone . I could easily have set the shoes on the dock , but no , I left them on the ramp . Eric came back from parking the truck and trailer and found me belly down on the dock . I told him my shoe was gone and he took the flashlight and looked under the dock some more , but it was gone . Shining the light around , I saw something floating in the moonlight about twenty feet out , but I thought there was no way it could have gone that far . We squinted at it while we loaded our few things aboard the boat and it drifted closer . It did look like it might be my shoe . I untied and Eric paddled over and lo and behold it was my shoe , floating high in the pitch - dark water . He pulled it over with the boat hook ( later we had a conversation about what the boat hook is for : exactly this . ) and by some miracle it was still hanging onto my sock . Really must write Merrill a note about this marvelous shoe of theirs . There was just a wisp of a wind as Eric cranked up the motor . It started , by yet another miracle and we were on our way . It was very dark , but the moon was waxing gibbous so we could see the shore and Eric had consulted the map back at home so he knew roughly where we were going . Well , at least he thought he knew . We passed under the power lines and I was glad the mast was down . Later we heard the tale of the unfortunate sailors who hit them and were electrocuted . Never did find out what the clearance is , but we will before we pull the boat out ! As we came out of the narrow cove where the boat ramp was located , I started shivering . I was wet to the neck and the wind of our motion was chilling me badly . Eric took the tiller and suggested I go below and change . Inside it was warmer and Eric had fixed the interior lights so we had light , which made finding things much easier . I slipped out of my wet things and into some warm dry clothes . My phone had a voicemail , which turned out to be my mom calling to say the dog had escaped his pen . I tried to call her back , but the service on the lake was terrible . There was nothing we could do , but luckily she has a fenced yard , so he didn 't completely escape . Yay , Grandma ! I put the phone away , turned off the lights and headed up the two steps to the cockpit . Off the stern the moon was shining on our wake , sparkling and twinkling like stars . I caught my breath . We were finally in our very own boat on this beautiful warm water in the moonlight . We sat there motoring along in silence for a while , the stars were dim in the moonlight but I saw one zip along the sky and go out . I made my wish and told Eric it was a sign that we were exactly where we were meant to be . He agreed . He was having the time of his life . While I was dreaming and staring at the sky , Eric was watching the shore . He had an idea where John 's place was , but we weren 't in a hurry to find it , luckily . It was so pleasant being on the water in the moonlight . We loved every minute of it . After awhile Eric thought he recognized a cove as John 's and we headed in with some reluctance . We motored in and back out again . Maybe it 's the next one . Well , it was dark and it was getting late and I was getting tired . Eric was too wound up to be tired , but I was fading . After several more fruitless coves , we decided to anchor in the lee of a long length of dark treed shore . Since I had anchored in Jordan Lake , I suggested Eric throw out the anchor this time . He was more than happy to give it a try and put out thirty feet of rope for the twelve - foot water . We sat in the cockpit for a long time , watching the swing to check for drag ( there was none , we were set ) and just enjoying the still air and the smell of the water . I couldn 't help thinking how much nicer the sea would smell , but I agreed with Eric that this was pretty nice . We finally crawled up in the V - berth thinking we were too excited to sleep and fell straight to sleep . A wake rocked the boat after midnight and woke me and Eric went out in the cockpit to pee and check our position . We had not moved . I woke again at four and checked , but all was well . At daylight we crawled out , ( I 'm still not comfortable sleeping with my head aft after so many years with my head in the bow of Skybird ) and found a heavy mist on the lake . The water was glassy calm except for a roiling of fish to the north and the occasional jumper . Overhead a perfect V of geese flew by , honking . It was a comfortable sixty - five degrees . After some discussion , we decided to raise the mast at anchor . A breeze was coming up and we were here to sail ! This time it was easier , but the forestay is an issue with the roller furling . It 's just too tight to attach and its position is awkward to reach on the bow . Eric struggled with it for a while and eventually rigged up a strap to pull it down so he could attach it . I have no idea how he managed it with his foot in the strap pushing down and two hands on the stay , fastening a little clip underneath the furler housing . He 's so handy . My hero ! After all that work , we decided to motor down into the cove because it was just too narrow to sail . After several more coves and almost getting stuck down one because the motor quit , we abandoned the search for John 's and headed out into the lake to sail . It was a perfect day , 5 - 10 mph wind , sunny and seventy - five . The boat sailed like a champ . My mom called on her way to a party on the lake and said she could see us from the bridge . I wish she 'd taken a picture , but we got one later . She said the dog was fine , getting along with her five dogs and just hanging out in the yard . What a good boy . Well , except for the damage to the pen . Sigh . We talked to the party host and got directions to their place on the lake . We were so cool . We would sail into the party . It was past 2pm by the time we sailed up to the dam on the eastern end of the lake and went up a cove to try to find the party . We were getting a little desperate because we 'd run out of drinking water and were on the last beer . We had planned to go to the Piggly Wiggly to get water and groceries , but hadn 't made it because it was so late and we were so anxious to get out on the water . But I was getting pretty thirsty . We looked around the cove , but no party . We called . No one answered . We tried the next cove . Nothing . It was pushing three o ' clock when mom called . Eric had called her a dozen times trying to get more information about the location of the party . But he 'd been calling her home number . Golly . I think he 'd even asked me if it was the right number . Argh . I talked to Bob , the birthday boy and host of the party , and he said it was the first cove from the dam , just keep going , you 'll find it , except we were on the third cove now and no sign of any party . He did say something about a park , which turned out to be helpful . We were coming out of the third cove when we saw an offshoot with what looked like a park on a point in it . We pulled in there and just as I said , " We 'll never find it , " we saw someone on a dock waving their arms . The motor died about twenty feet from the dock ( does it have some sort of sensing device ? ) and we drifted easily in . Eric went straight for the drinks and poured us big red cups of Diet Coke ( for him ) and Diet Cheerwine ( for me ) , which we guzzled and refilled . Ellen had made her famous crustless quiche and we polished off about half of that , picked on a chicken Betsy had brought and waved off offers of birthday cake . On the way out , we posed for some pictures and with our water jugs happily refilled in the neighbor 's laundry sink , headed off to try to find John 's house . Luckily , Eric was able to reach him by phone as we sailed downwind , wing - on - wing back across the lake . It was a great way to sail , hanging out in the sun , with no apparent wind and the boat just skating effortlessly over the water with the sails bright against the blue sky . We were so happy . We 'd found the party ! We would find John 's house . All was well . After one wrong cove , we found John 's place , an adorable A - frame house with a nice big dock . There was even a hot tub on the back deck . Naturally , the motor died about ten feet ( oh , so close ! ) from the dock and we drifted over toward the neighbor 's dock . Luckily no one was around . Eric struggled with the motor , threatening to get the paddles while I watched the depth and our proximity to the neighbor 's dock from the bow with the bow line held hopefully in hand . I remembered the keel and Eric pulled it up . I thought it looked plenty shallow , so I slid down in the water just as Eric got the motor going , so , of course , he couldn 't hear me yelling . Luckily , it died again and I walked the boat around and he looked up , shocked to see me in the water . I apologized for not communicating my " plan " to get in the water and promised to keep him informed next time . It was a simple matter to pull the boat around , even though we had to first move John 's pontoon boat out of the way . Betsy drove over the few miles from her house to take us back to the boat ramp to retrieve the truck and trailer . She said the dog was fine and we arranged to pick him up the following day . We dropped the trailer off at John 's and headed for The Pig to buy groceries . By this time it was nearly dark and we were stupid with fatigue . We picked up some beer and tried to think about what else to get . But we couldn 't think of anything . We looked at the meat , walked down the canned food aisle , and finally went back with beer and not much else . John came home and admired the boat and we sat on board with beers chatting and enjoying the lovely evening . He wanted to show us the house , so we went inside and sat in the spacious living room on the comfy chairs while he regaled us with tales of the house parties he 'd had . But the chair was too comfy and I started having trouble keeping my eyes open . I suggested we try out the hot tub , thinking John might join us , but we didn 't have bathing suits and he left us to it . I hope he didn 't think it rude of us to cut out , but we were exhausted . The hot tub was hot and relaxing and we didn 't stay long . We climbed up into the V - berth and slept like the dead . We decided it wasn 't quite as good as being at anchor , not enough rocking or moonlight at the dock . But having the house nearby was nice . We used the bathroom and I hung my wet clothes ( from the boat ramp debacle ) on the deck rails . Then we set off . The motor was particularly persnickety , it took Eric at least thirty minutes to get it started . We debated whether we could sail out , but the wind was from the northeast , exactly the way we needed to go to get out and the cove was too narrow to tack in . But , at last , he got it going , deciding it needed half - throttle to start . Out in the lake we decided to go downwind to the bridge to try to find Outdoor World where we hoped to find a restaurant for lunch , since we 'd foolishly neglected to buy food the night before . We had peanuts and a few carrots and the remains of the chicken from the party , which luckily was enough since we never did find Outdoor World . I had thought Bob had said it was to the right of the bridge , but there was nothing over there . We did have a quick sail - lowering / motor - starting drill in one little cove as we went in to see if it was there . It went well and Eric said he thought he might finally have figured out the motor . We gave up looking for a place to eat , although we saw a place just at the northern end of the bridge , but there was no place for us to stop and we had no dingy to row in if we anchored . We picked at the chicken , drank the last two beers and ate the last of the celery and peanut butter . We had a marvelous sail back , the wind came up strong and we ended up reefing the jib ( something we hadn 't tried , which worked very well : score one point for roller furling ! ) and then furling the jib and sailing with just the main . We find she sails really well in all the conditions we 've experienced . We 're thrilled with the performance . She sailed so well we got back to John 's on the early side , but we wanted to take our time buttoning her up , so that 's what we did . Eric got her right up to the dock this time and I stepped off and we spun her around to face out . It didn 't take long to get all our stuff packed out . Most of it was staying on the boat anyway . We got the cabin all locked up and were standing on the dock admiring our baby when I remembered the porta - potty , thank goodness . We went back in so I could see how it comes apart ( Eric had filled it at the farm before departure ) and he carried it up to the house to empty it into the toilet . I watched . Eric dumped . Ew . It was a good thing I watched because it had splashed some and the bathroom stank . Eric took it outside to hose it out and I wiped off the toilet and the wall and the floor , flushing several times . It still stank . I grabbed a can of air freshener and sprayed generously . I went outside and asked Eric to come in and assess the scent . He sniffed cautiously and shook his head . Still stinky . I grabbed the small trashcan next to the toilet and emptied it . A pale brown drip shone down the side . We hosed it down and I hope that did it . We 'll be more careful next time . Eric is coming around to the benefit of a flush toilet on a boat . Next boat . Meanwhile , this will do . More chemicals next time , too . We stood on the dock arm - in - arm , gazing at our baby tied up on John 's dock . We hated to leave her . She looked so pretty sitting there , so hopeful , so sail - able and seaworthy . It was Monday . We 'd be back on Friday we reassured ourselves and turned to drive home . When I was starting my career in photography , I carried a camera everywhere I went . I took some great pictures , but after a few years , I began to feel it becoming a drag . It was heavy , and it seemed like sometimes I was missing things because I was only focused on whatever was in the viewfinder . I started leaving the camera at home and found it liberating . I could just enjoy the trip without worrying about making a great picture of it . Now , we have a new boat and I 'm torn between writing down everything about it and actually getting on board and enjoying her . So , I 'm trying to strike a balance . We spent an hour this morning lifting all the cushions in the cabin , opening all the storage lockers and poking around under the tiny sink . I got a little whisk broom and some baby wipes and did a little cleaning . She was very clean when we got her , but we 'd gotten some dirt on her in the meantime . We feel like new parents wanting to check all our baby 's fingers and toes . I told Eric she smells like the sea ( even though she 's never been in salt water - yet ! ) and he said dryly , " That 's mildew . " Whatever . I think she smells great ! For the maiden voyage , we borrowed a gigantic diesel truck from a friend of Eric 's and rode over to Sanford , about an hour away . We were so excited I almost had to stop to pee on the way . The previous owner , Joe , was waiting for us and answered our last minute questions like how does the portapottie work ( he never used it ) and where is the winch handle ( " down below " was his answer and we never did find it until we finished our sail and called him to ask and he said it was in the cooler . Of course . ) and doesn 't that trailer tire look soft ? He kindly brought out his air compressor and we put a ton of air into the starboard tire , saving us what might have been a difficult time getting in and out of a gas station with thirty feet of boat and trailer behind a monster truck . Good thing Eric was driving . He has experience with trailers . I 'm hopeless . We drove to New Hope Overlook Recreation Area on Lake Jordan where Eric had heard there was a nice quiet boat ramp . It was . There was one small powerboat and five ramps with three docks . Perfect . I was very worried that we would take too long and annoy the power boaters who get in and out in a hurry . We had the gigantic parking lot to ourselves . We spent about an hour raising the mast and rigging the boat . Joe had demonstrated how to raise and lower the mast when we first looked at her , so luckily Eric had a good idea how to accomplish it . We got her up and hooked on the boom and threaded the sail into the mast slot but left it tied down . We threw our stuff down below and I stood around giving bad directions while Eric managed to get our baby down the ramp anyhow . I can 't imagine how he manages a trailer that big . The one time I tried it I was completely defeated . Eric climbed over the trailer to get inside the cabin to open the water ballast tank and let the water in . I took the bowline and he drove her all the way in until she floated free and I tied her up . The wind was blowing at a good clip , the water was dotted with white caps and I was very nervous . We tied her up on the leeward side of the dock , so at least she wasn 't blowing into the dock . But when Eric got the motor started and I cast off the lines , I found she was blowing away really fast . I nearly fell in the water trying to climb aboard ( she who hesitates … ) and made a very ungraceful wiggle under the bow rail feet first . Safely aboard , I looked over to the Coast Guard Auxiliary boat , standing by , and yelled , " You didn 't see that ! " And they yelled back sheepishly , " Oh , no , we didn 't see a thing ! " and we all laughed good - naturedly . Over the summer we 'd been hassled by the boat police on a borrowed powerboat in South Carolina and Eric had gotten an expensive ticket , but we both agreed that this time we were glad the " police " were standing by in case we got into trouble . Since this was our boat , we had seen to it that she was fully equipped with safety gear before setting out so we were totally legal . Eric had even seen to insurance , bless his heart . Everything was going swimmingly until about a half mile from the dock the outboard quit . Oh crap . My former boat had a well - maintained inboard engine I had never had a minute 's trouble with . It was like a car , you turned a key , it started and there was a throttle ( reverse and forward ) and a tiller . This outboard thing was a complete mystery to me . Eric fiddled with it for some time , while we drifted in this wind toward a little island and I contemplated calling the Auxiliary on the VHF , as one of them had mentioned they would be monitoring channel 16 . Bless their hearts . By some miracle , he got the engine going and we motored over to a little cove where we 'd decided to anchor in the lee of the trees while we tried to figure things out . By this time it was long past noon and I was famished . Rigging the boat had been a lot of work and I was very glad I 'd packed food . I even got to drop the anchor , which I was scared of since Darrel was always in charge of that on Skybird while I worked the tiller . But I screwed up my courage and pulled out the anchor , making sure that the end of the line was actually secured to the boat first . Clever me . We were only in about twelve feet of water , so it didn 't take much . I cleated off the line and we were stuck fast . I was rather pleased with myself . We sat in the cockpit and ate and shared a beer , Eric even poured a little over the bow for good measure . We had previously decided that she was just not a champagne boat . She 's a good old Bass Ale boat . And , anyway , it 's not like she 'd never been in the water before . The wind was really blowing , we were swinging back and forth on the hook and I was frankly scared to hoist a sail . But Eric was firm . We would hoist a sail , no matter what . Luckily , he was right . We motored out into the big part of the lake and I steered up into the wind , which was blowing pretty steady from the west / northwest . The motor went ahead and died , but Eric was already raising the main and our sweet baby just took to it like she was made to sail . Ah hem . We fairly flew along up the lake to the north , where we could see a sailboat race in progress . I was very nervous about getting in the middle of it , but we were quite far from it , so it was really not an issue . I guess I was so nervous to begin with that any little thing would send me over the panicky edge . Eric was calm , happy and delighted and it started to wear off on me . The boat sailed like a dream . She seemed to be content with whatever heading I chose , even very close to the wind . We 'd heard some complaints that the boat was " tender " but after Eric 's 11 - foot row / sailboat , Carol and Zack , we felt the Hunter was quite stable . I didn 't mind the heel at all , but it freaked Eric out . It was easy to control by heading up into the wind , so I was able to keep him comfortable with no more than ten or fifteen degrees of heel . We sailed up past the Vista Point boat ramp , where a small sailboat was being towed in . Eric found out later that it was his coworker , who had been in the race and had turtled his boat , trapping a crew member in the cockpit air pocket . She untangled herself from the rigging and swam out , but poor Andrew was understandably freaked out . But we knew none of this at the time . We were having a ball . We sailed around the point at Seaforth and were thinking of going further when my inner alarm clock went off and I suggested we ought to head back . It was still early , about 2 : 30 , but my " Little Voice " had spoken and we knew better than to ignore it . We came about and the boat just sailed on . It was great . We leaned back in the cockpit and gazed up at the sail , perfectly filled with air , the sun lighting it up against the blue sky , the letters H23 . 5 so pretty in blue and red . Our baby was not just perfect ; she was pretty too . We were smitten . The cockpit is very roomy and the raised stern seats are a great place to ride , complete with cupholders ! She even has a bimini cover to keep the sun off the cockpit . We sailed back toward the ramp and when we got close , I got nervous and we decided to start the engine in the middle of the lake . Lucky we did too , because it would not start . It would begin to turn over , and then just die . Eric did troubleshooting while I watched the traffic and the shore . We were fine , but the motor would not run . Eric called Joe and got no answer . We were on our own . We still had the sail up , so we decided to go to the windward side to allow for drift while we fiddled with the pesky Tohatsu . I threw out the anchor again and somehow , after much ado , Eric got the motor going . I think he was pumping the prime bulb on the fuel line to keep her going . I hauled up the anchor in a hurry and we headed for the ramp , holding our breath . Forty feet from the dock , the motor died . Just then , the Auxiliary boat came past us , oblivious to our plight . They even tucked into the dock we were aiming for , which turned out to be a good thing because we had just enough momentum to drift into the nearest dock . Luckily we had already planned to land on the windward side and we had the fenders in place on the port side . I jumped off , rather more gracefully this time , and tied her up , no problem . We got her up on the trailer with the docklines , another advantage of a smaller boat . We pulled up the keel and Eric winched her in . He also remembered to raise the rudder . But the rudder was impossibly heavy . Later , Eric said it was a common complaint about this boat and the solution was to drill a hole in the rudder and attach another line to haul it up . We settled for raising it halfway , which was all she wrote , as my first husband , the marine engineer , would say . I bit my lip as he drove the trailer out of the water . I couldn 't see from the dock whether she was sitting right or not , but apparently the trailer is well - designed and our girl knew just what to do . Such a good boat ! ! Eric and I climbed aboard and opened the valve on the ballast tank . But apparently , she was not out of the water far enough , because when he tried to drive farther , I could hear the water sloshing . We opened the valve again and more water came out . We got in the truck to move to a parking place . Halfway across the parking lot , we heard the Auxiliary guys yelling , " Hey ! " and " You 're dragging your rudder ! " Crap . We forgot the rudder . Luckily it was only dragging on a bounce and was only slightly sanded and flattened . You never forget that first ding . Ow . It took us about an hour to de - rig the boat and lower the mast . In the middle of it , Joe called and we found out that the winch handle was in the cooler ( of course ) and the fuel was at least nine months old . That explains it . Mostly the de - rigging went very well , but at the end , neither of us could remember how the boat was strapped to the trailer . I pulled the straps out of the cockpit locker , but they were too short . We scratched our heads and looked at each other . I strained my brain and remembered that the straps had been orange . There were two short orange pieces and I tried to fit them together . Eric had an " Ah - ha " moment and remembered how they went , with the orange bit wrapped around a stanchion and attached to the brown strap and hooked to a ring on the trailer . Nifty . We got her home and parked in the driveway in exactly enough time to collect the kids . We could hardly keep ourselves from lingering in the yard to admire her . She is a beauty and we 're so happy with her . The next morning we all climbed aboard and continued our exploration of all her nooks and crannies . She 's a great boat , we all agreed . Can 't wait to get her out in salt water . Oh boy ! After we got home from looking at the Mac 26 in Wilmington , Eric got online and found a new boat he thought we should look at . It was a Hunter 23 . 5 and there was a nice one for sale in Sanford , about and hour and a half drive away from his house or mine . He made a date to look at it the next day . With the kids in tow , I set out , stopping on the way to fortify them with bacon cheeseburgers from McDonald 's . ( I know , I know , bad , bad mother . ) We had a good book on CD going , and with food in their bellies , the ride was conflict - free . There was a slight hitch with the map and directions , I somehow got going the wrong way on the road in question and Eric , who was coming the opposite direction from Durham , beat us to the guy 's house . Eric was literally jumping up and down waving his arms at us next to the boat , which was parked on the trailer in the backyard of Greg 's brick ranch house . They had the mast up and were getting ready to hoist the main . He invited us to climb on . The stern of the boat is open on the port side with a swim ladder for easy access either on land or in the water . Nice , I thought . It was about 5pm , just before dusk and the mosquitoes were out in full force after all this rain we 've had . I killed two or three before I climbed aboard . First thing I noticed , which Eric pointed out , is that the hardware is much more substantial than the Mac . I helped hoist the sail and admired the jiffy reefing . I noticed the boat also had roller furling on the headsail , something I 'd never experienced and was skeptical about , particularly with a trailerable boat . I eyed the forestay with a critical eye and asked Greg if it was ok for it to be bent . He said it was ok , but didn 't seem to want to go on about it . He said it would probably be best to store it flat and it had been stored with the mast and got bent . Inside , I was impressed with all the space . The V - berth looked roomy and the aft berth even roomier , except possibly with less headspace than the Mac . It also had a two - foot storage area under the port side of the cockpit with a rail . Nice . A tiny sink and one - burner alcohol stove comprised the galley and a small removable cooler fit in a niche under the settee . I liked all that too . I don 't think the Mac had cooler space . I was very surprised to find this a nicer boat than the Mac . After seeing the Mac firsthand , I thought it was the one . But this boat actually seemed even better and it was two and half feet shorter , which is a plus when you are paying for storage or maintenance by the foot . The only hitch was the price . Eric said he 'd already come down on the price , which was substantially more than we had planned to spend . However , we agreed that this boat didn 't need anything , except maybe the optional marine GPS . It was ready to sail , in great shape and we loved it . Everything about this boat was crooning to me . Eric heard it too and even the kids agreed . " Can we buy this one ? ' They begged , trying out the raised seats at the stern . Not wanting to say anything in front of the owner and slapping mosquitoes like a maniac , I retired to the car with the kids . We drove to a Chinese buffet where we marveled over how much we loved the boat and the price while the kids ate plate after plateful . Buffets are great for tweens who seem to able to eat their weight in food . George ate fifteen sushi rolls and went back for dessert . He only weighs about fifty pounds dripping wet but he 's obviously having a growth spurt . There was no doubt . This was our boat . All that remained was for Eric to look at some comps to figure what was the lowest reasonable offer and make it . And of all her great qualities , this boat was unnamed , so we get to name her . I 've been told it 's bad luck to rename a boat and we 'd looked at some with some really stupid names ( Wind Guzzler stands out ) so it was a thrill to be able to name this one something just right . We 're brainstorming names , so feel free to suggest one . As long as it doesn 't contain the word " Guzzler . " Eric pulled out his phone and left yet another message saying we 'd found the boat and it would be great if he could come down so we could see the inside . The cockpit hatch was locked with a padlock . So we walked around her looking up occasionally to see if the owner was coming down from one of the condos . There was no one around anywhere and I was not impressed with the security of this marina . You 'd think with all those condos around someone would notice these two gawkers and inquire as to our business . After a brief discussion consisting of " should we ? " and " Yes , we should , " Eric jumped on board . Right away he checked the bow hatch and found it unlatched . I looked around nervously . The guy had said we could come see the boat . We weren 't damaging anything or taking anything , but still it felt like trespassing . Eric asked if I thought he should go inside . I shrugged . He shrugged . " What the hell , we 've come this far . " And he slipped below decks . I took off my shoes and scrambled over the lifelines . Went feet first down the narrow hatch onto the V - berth . And I started oohing and ahhing . It was so clean and it didn 't smell musty or mildewy . The cushions were clean ( later we found out he 'd spent $ 500 on new ones ) and it seemed to be all we 'd hoped for . Under the cockpit , sure enough , was a queen - sized berth , albeit with very little headroom in the middle . Neither of us had been to Carolina Beach , so we just drove into town and stopped at the first restaurant we found . It was after three and we 'd not had lunch . It was closed , but we walked next door and found an Italian place , Mama Mia 's , that was open , but empty . A pretty , bouncy blonde college student named Caitlyn took our orders and we guzzled our beverages and scarfed our food . We were just finishing up when Greg called . He had not received our messages , but he 'd be happy to meet us at the boat . We settled on four - twenty to give us time to pay and get back over to the boat . Eric hung up and looked at his phone . He shook his head . He looked at the phone number Greg had just called from . He frowned and said the number he 'd been calling was correct . Then he slapped the side of his head . " Nine - one - nine ! " All this time he 'd been calling some poor fool and leaving all those messages and it was the wrong area code . It was off by one number . Oh well . It was all working out . We spent another hour on the boat with Greg and his adorable three - year - old . He extolled the virtues of the boat and we poked around at the hardware and he started the outboard for us . It was very nice . Eric was worried about towing the boat with his Jeep pick - up , but Greg said he 'd towed the boat down from Annapolis with his Pacifica . Back in the parking lot I remembered that this was the very first place we had pulled in . If we 'd gotten out to look down the canal , we 'd have seen the boat . Oh well ! Our business concluded , we debated the merits of staying overnight or going home and decided to stay . We got a room two blocks from Mama Mia 's at the Drydock Motel . It had just the right degree of funkiness combined with the necessary amenities . We were thrilled . We walked back toward Mama Mia 's to check out this funky little bar we 'd seen earlier . Beside the door is a sign that says , " Hippies use side entrance . " In spite of the sign , we went in the cavelike front door . We hesitated by the small bar , growing accustomed to the dim light and pounding music . The bartender noticed us and leaned over the bar to ask if it was our first time there . It was . " Ok , then , here 's how it works here at the Fat Pelican , " he pointed farther back into the catacomb like interior . " We got four hundred kinds of beer in a cooler back there . You go and pick out what you want and bring it back here and we 'll tell you how much it is . We also have wine by the glass , ' kay ? " Dead serious he says , " Yeah , sure . The closer you get to that door , " he nodded at the front door , " the warmer it gets . " There was a pause as I processed that little gem . We picked out two beers , an IPA for Eric and a Yuengling Porter for me . I love porter and had no idea Yuengling made a porter so I wanted to try it . It was adequate , but later I got a Bell 's Porter that really sang . Oh boy . It 's a mystery how this place manages to keep a liquor license , the building seems cobbled together , literally , from scrap boards , bricks and random thrift store furniture . On every wall was a piece of colored construction paper reading , " Please do not feed the dog ! " But there was no dog in evidence . Outside the ground was covered with sand and we found an empty table with two mismatched chairs next to a white board structure containing a porch swing . At the back a little boat was sunk into the sand and we checked to see if we could sit in it , but it was inaccessible and full of coolers . The place was absolutely steaming with atmosphere . Right away the place began filling up , as if we 'd started something , and when we saw a salty - looking older man scanning for a seat , we invited him to join us . He hesitated a second and then shrugged . He was drinking a two - dollar can of Pabst and smoking a cigarette , which he tapped into the large coffee can on the table . Bearded and wearing a baseball cap , he looked like a boat person for sure . But we soon found out that he lived a bike ride away and worked on Figure Eight Island , north of Wrightsville Beach . He had been an electrician by trade but now he was semi - retired and worked doing maintenance at the yacht club there . He regaled us with tales of the Weyerhauser heirs and John Edwards and some of the funny things that happened there . Much too soon , he headed off and we were left marveling over his stories . But soon two young men came out from the cooler squinting for a table . By this time they were really all taken , but there were a few extra chairs . They pulled two over at our invitation . Shawn was originally from Washington , DC and worked as an engineer on the Okracoke ferry . My first husband was a marine engineer , so we had plenty to talk about there . Meanwhile , Eric was learning that Danny works doing environmental assessments of buildings , a field related to Eric 's . So we were all chatting away and putting away beers and eating peanuts and Utz crab chips . They smelled great , but tasted too much like crab ( yuck ) for my taste . I stuck with the peanuts , which were Planters and salty . Shawn and Danny decided to move on , it was Saturday night and they were going for some live music . At just before midnight , the night was young for these young thirties and we old folks were getting mighty tired . We 'd had quite the day . We were pretty sure we 'd found our dreamboat . Now if we could just find one closer than Ohio . Beth Browne writes because she just can 't stop herself . Her two kids love her , but they wish she liked cooking as much as writing . In spite of the fact that she cannot grow even one single tomato , Ms . Browne manages a large diversified farm that has been in her family for over a hundred years . She 's currently spending every spare minute on a 23 foot sailboat with her best mate , Eric .
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Hensley has been a sergeant with the Corsicana Police Department for more than 24 years . He worked as a homicide investigator on the Willingham case . Since then , Hensley has been trained in arson investigation . This is the edited transcript of an interview conducted on March 23 , 2010 . The department received a call of a fire at a residence on West 11th Street . They responded to the blaze and was able to extinguish it once they made entry into the house . They found the body of three young children that had died in the fire . The occupant , Cameron Todd Willingham , was present on the scene and was in the house there in the fire . He escaped with minor injuries . The wife and the mother of the three kids [ was ] away from the house at the time . The case is what sparked it off , plus the department realized that there was a need for somebody trained in arson investigation within the department . The city has a fire marshal that investigates arson , but this one also involved a homicide , too . So we worked together on that , and it 's better if you have somebody trained in arson investigation so you 've got someone who understands what 's going on while you 're doing your investigation . . . . OK , after a fire , the fire department goes in and tries to determine the cause of any structure fire , whether it be criminal or accidental . Accidental fires usually result in insurance claims and things , so you need to know what caused a fire , if possible . They go in , and they start reading the fire . They 're trained to look at the burn patterns in the fire ; they check electro - outlet gas stoves , anything that might cause a fire accidentally . And if that is not present , then they start looking for other sources . And they started finding some other things that made them very suspicious . . . . OK , a fire tells a story . The burn patterns of a fire tell a story . Fire burns up , and if it doesn 't burn up , if it burns down low , there 's usually a reason for it . And they started finding where the fire had burned low and not consistent with an accidental fire . And once he found some of these signs , then it raised red flags , and then you start a different type of investigation where you start looking for what we call burn patterns and pour patterns on the floors and concrete and things like that . That would indicate an accelerant had been added to the house to bolster the fire . And that is what he found . You were with Mr . Fogg during this investigation . Can you tell me about some of the other things that made you think this is not right ? Well , in the children 's room , there were signs of what we thought was an accelerant poured on the floor , burn marks underneath the floorboards of the floor once we tore the floor up to look , because usually accelerants will leak through the cracks of the floors or something and burn underneath . And fire burns up . So if there 's no reason for something to go under there normally , then you start questioning why this happened . There 's a lot of reasons this could happen besides the accelerant . It could be particles inside the house that might melt and run down , but you won 't know until you get it tested . The fire charring can indicate where the hot spots were in the room , where the most fire was . The way things melt and run can indicate a direction of a fire and different things like that . At the time I was walking through , I didn 't understand all this . He was explaining it to me because I had never been in school at that time , and I was just learning as I was going , too , because when I first walked in there , it just looked like a burnt building . Everything was burned up , and I didn 't see how anybody could figure out anything in there . But after listening to him and then going to school , I got to understand what they were talking about , and I could look back and see what he was talking about and understand how it happened the way he explained it . And I helped them take samples and things like that . I think they did a very good job . I think they did as they were trained and did a thorough job . I think they limited all possibilities where it could have been an accident , and that only left one other conclusion , and it was a set fire . First [ thoughts as I ] pull up to the scene is , how are we going to find anything in this burned - out house ? I 'm sad because I know that three people have died in this house , three young kids that will never get the chance to grow up and live a life , and that 's very sad . And going through the house , you go through with a purpose . You want to know what caused this fire , even if it was accidental . You don 't want to go there with the idea at first that it 's manmade unless it 's very obvious . But you 're hoping you 'll find it 's accidental . You don 't think that maybe somebody had actually burned up three children . . . . But as we go along , it looks more and more like it was a crime . It wasn 't necessarily one piece of evidence . It 's a totality of all the evidence put together , plus his actions and his statements . A lot of his statements he made later on was proved that it couldn 't have happened that way through the scientific evidence , that what he says is not possible . Plus he 's constantly changing his story , and he never showed remorse . And putting the whole picture together is what made me believe that yes , this did happen ; it was a planned deal . You had a very long interview with Mr . Willingham that 's recorded . Walk me through what you remember of that interview . While interviewing , we tried first to get the whole story , his side of the story as to what happened , because if he changes his story , we want the first story down on paper . So we interviewed him , and during this time , he acted like it was a show interview . He didn 't show a lot of remorse or any at all that I can see . It was more like , I 'm in the limelight ; this is me . I got the feeling that maybe he was enjoying being there . It was not like somebody that I would figure , a parent that just lost three children in a house fire . Any remorse he tried to show to me looked like it was false ; it was put on ; it was a show . That 's what I got out of the interview . Plus , the things he said and the story he told was not feasible , not consistent with the evidence that was later proved . Well , just the tone of voice he used , more like he was bragging about it than being remorseful . He was more like he was proud of his actions that he claimed he tried to do to save his kids and stuff , which later proved to be false . Just his whole demeanor to me looked like he just wanted to tell a story . And later on , as this goes on , that 's what he does . He goes and tells stories . He told us that he was asleep in bed , and his daughter come running in the room , and his daughter is 2 years old , come running into the room , yelling , " Daddy , Daddy ! , " and he woke up and that there was smoke everywhere . He said he sleeps in the nude , and he had to find his pants . He felt around on the floor and found his pants and put them on . And then he told us it was so smoky he couldn 't hardly figure out where the doors were . He told us that he told his daughter to get out of the house , which I thought was strange . If he couldn 't see where to go , how is his 2 - year - old going to find a way out ? And this is just me thinking as I 'm talking to him . He says that from the kitchen then he made his way down the hallway and into the bedroom . He said once he got in the bedroom , it was so smoky , he couldn 't hardly see . He could see fire on top of the ceiling . He said he got on his hands and knees and prowled around on the floor and couldn 't find his children . Well , I thought that was strange , because it 's a small bedroom . It 's not very large . And the two twins were found just right inside the doorway . To this day I don 't know if he had wanted to , he could have saved the 2 - year - old that had come running , because he said that she had got in the bed with him . Well , how are you going to lose a child in a bed ? It 's just not a very big place , so his story wasn 't consistent with the evidence when we did the interview . And as time goes on , he tells more and more different stories , and each one tends to make him look better . Once he got outside , I cannot find anybody that said he made an attempt to get back in to save his kids . We 've got witnesses next door who said that they tried to get him to go back in , and he wouldn 't do it because at the time they couldn 't see no flames . They could see smoke coming out the window and the door , but they couldn 't see no actual flames and nothing in the back of the house , so they felt like he would have had time to go back in and at least make an effort . Another thing that 's not consistent is there was a child barrier across the doorway in the twins ' room , and I don 't see how the 2 - year - old could have climbed over that barricade . The 2 - year - old is not very big , especially in a smoke - filled house . But I don 't think she 'd have the mental capability of figuring out how to climb over in a smoke - filled room myself . He did say that he broke the windows out of the front bedroom , which caused the fire to get even worse . It added oxygen into the house and makes the fire go even bigger . He did have the frame of mind to push his Cadillac from beside the house ; it was beside the room that was burning . He pushed it back out of the way so it wouldn 't get burnt , but yet he made no effort to go into the house to try and save his children . He did put on an act , in my opinion , of yelling and screaming , but in my opinion , after further investigation and hearing all the stories and stuff , I feel it was just an act . He was taken to the hospital , and while he was at the hospital , he was heard talking on the phone ordering caskets for his children , at which time he was not showing any remorse , and as soon as he got through he asked a friend who was with him to go to Whataburger , get him something to eat and bring it back . He was more interested in eating than the fact with his children being dead , and to me that 's just not consistent with a father who just lost his children accidentally . It 's just not consistent . From all the interviews and information I 've got , I feel like he had done something to one of the children . I felt that all along , that maybe he was covering up another crime . Later , when he was in the county jail , he did tell a prisoner [ Johnny Webb ] over there that he had disciplined one of the children and thought he killed one of the children and had set the fire to cover that fact up . I 'm under the belief that probably that is what had happened . . . . He could have poured the accelerants in the bedroom and trailed it out to the hallway and poured accelerants down the hallway and to the front door and lit it at the front door . And he might have went back in ; he might have forgotten something . You never know . That could explain the burns on the upper part of him . He had none on the lower extremities . Or he might have set the fire inside the house and come out . Sometimes if you use a certain chemical like gasoline or lighter fluid or something , it burns pretty fast and can go pretty quick , and a lot of arsonists get caught in their own fires to a certain extent and burn themselves . . . . He was a very violent person . It goes back to his childhood . He 's always been violent . He 's [ been ] arrested several times . I 've got witnesses who say he 's abused his wife . He 'd strike his wife , knocking her to the ground and stuff . So he 's a very violent person . I heard people say that he did not want the children , the twins anyway , that it was not a planned pregnancy , and , in fact , that he abused her while she was pregnant . I feel like the two children interfered with his fun life . He loved to go to the bars and throw darts and was in a dart league . The day after the fire , he 'd come back and was escorted through the house with the assistant fire chief , and he started looking for his dart set and dartboard and was very upset when he couldn 't find it , and was sure some kid in the neighborhood had come stole his darts . He also come back with a friend , and they were loading clothes and stuff into a truck to take away , and the neighbor said he had a boom box , loud music going , and they were just laughing and talking . And I just don 't see how you can do that when you are in a house where your children died just a couple of days earlier . It just don 't seem right to me . Later on , we had a local club or bar downtown that he used to frequent and throw darts at , and they were very sad about it , and they took up a collection to help him with the funeral costs and stuff , and he took the money and bought himself a new pair of boots , had the lady at the bar order him a high - dollar set of Piranha darts . I don 't see how anybody could think of throwing darts or being in a dart league when you just buried your children . To me , it just doesn 't add up . It shows a picture of somebody that just really didn 't care . After the jury found him guilty , then we had to do a pre - sentencing investigation to determine whether or not he would be considered a threat to society , and they do that before they give the death penalty . So I traveled to Oklahoma , . . . where he was from , and interviewed his friends and relatives and law enforcement agencies up there and found that as a juvenile he was very violent . He 's got a half - brother serving life in Texas prison for murder , and if he ever gets out , then Oklahoma has a capital murder charge on him that he was found guilty . I believe it was Arkansas where his half - brother went on a murder spree , he and this other guy , killing people . Him and his half - brother when they were young got mad at a subject and went and stole the people 's dog and took it out in the country and beat it with sticks trying to kill it , and when they couldn 't kill it , they ran over it with a vehicle just for revenge . Just a violent person . He went to Oklahoma . . . and was telling his friends different versions of how it happened . In fact , he told his wife , Stacy , that when the fire started he went in there , tried to find the children , couldn 't , and when he come out , he kicked the door down ; said it was on fire and he kicked it . At least on his bare foot there was no indication of burn marks on his feet . Plus , the door opens to the inside ; it doesn 't open to the outside , so you 're going to have a hard time kicking a front door in barefooted . . . . At one point he told somebody that he went out the back door , which was barred by a refrigerator and had been that way for a long time , before the house caught on fire . The wife had him bar the back door with the refrigerator for whatever reason . His stories kept changing , but each time he would try to make himself look good on this and never showed remorse . It was like he was enjoying the attention . And I feel like we did that ; we did a good job . And I feel like it was taken to the courts and to the jury and that they made a decision that he was guilty , and he was sentenced , and later on the sentence was carried out . I feel like justice was served for those three little girls , because all along there has been a lot of publicity on this , but it was all centered around Cameron Todd Willingham , who , in my opinion , was a murderer . Why do you need so much publicity ? Nobody ever talks about it in terms of these three children who burned up , who never had a chance , that never got to really enjoy any type of life . They want to make him a star . How could anybody want to make a criminal , a murderer of your own children , a star ? He 's not worth the time . There 's been a lot of news coverage on the investigation that we had here . We 've been referred to as small - town hicks . We get the same training , the state training , as the Dallas Fire Department gets , as their fire investigators get . We go to the same schools . The training is the same . We apply the same methods that they do . There is a project going on that is trying to get rid of the death penalty , and they try to use this as one of their premiere cases . They try to make Cameron Todd Willingham a poster child is what it amounts to . And that 's wrong . No matter what your agenda is , you can 't make a murderer a poster child in my opinion . There 's an arson investigator in Austin [ Gerald Hurst ] , who is I guess is self - employed now - - he must be an expert - - who [ in ] his lab in the basement of his house determined that it could not be arson . And he cited a lot of reasons why it could not be arson . He was looking at a lot of pictures and videos ; he never was at the scene . In fact , he didn 't even know about the case for 20 years . But just looking at pictures and stuff , he said it couldn 't have been arson ; that the different things that we brought up as evidence could have been caused by natural things in a fire ; electrical fire could have caused the same things . Well , that 's possibly true , but it also could have happened in an arson , too . The thing is , we eliminated all those possibilities of gas or accidental things that could have caused the fire . So if they 're eliminated and they 're not present , then it 's arson . And with all his findings , he never did tell nobody what caused the fire . He can sit there and look at his pictures all day and say this didn 't cause the fire , but he has yet to tell us what caused the fire . And 20 years later , anybody can look at pictures and draw any kind of conclusions they want to . You 've got to go to the scene of where those pictures were taken and see it in real time to really make an accurate judgment , in my opinion . I think the police department and the fire department and the state fire marshal , I think the district attorney , everybody did a fine job . They worked hard on this case . We didn 't want to be wrong ; we didn 't want to charge somebody [ who ] we thought was guilty of the crime . And eventually at the end , it was a jury of 12 people of this community who determined that with all the evidence presented to them that he was guilty , and that 's the way the system works . Just looking at his eyes , I didn 't see any type of remorse or sympathy in them . They were hard . I don 't know how to explain it . After a while in this business , you get to judge people by their actions and their looks , and you 're not 100 percent right , but usually it 's a good thing to go on , because you 've interviewed so many people in your life , and to me he was being untruthful and trying to make himself look good in a bad situation . Todd didn 't show any remorse in the interview until I actually showed him the pictures of his children in the house . And at that time , I think he finally faced what he had done . The impact had finally hit him of what he had actually done , that he had taken the lives of three innocent girls , and at that time he started crying , but it didn 't last long . If it was me and my children and they showed me pictures of my children burned up , I would fall apart . I wouldn 't be able to talk ; I wouldn 't be able to communicate . And I think most other parents would be the same way , but not with him . I don 't think he was sad so much that he killed the kids as much as that it had come into light that he was a suspect in it . Maybe he didn 't do such a good job of covering up his trail . But he just didn 't act like a typical person . And in any other case , I probably would not have shown the family the pictures , but we were trying to find the correct thing that had happened ; we were trying to find what actually happened . . . . But it 's them three girls I 'm thinking about . It 's not his feelings . . . . Yes . I was hoping , but it didn 't happen . The reason why . . . I showed him the pictures is I wanted to shock him , to show him what he had done and hoping that he had some little piece of conscience or remorse in him that would overtake him and admit to what he had done , to finally come to the terms that he had done this . But he never faltered . He cried a few minutes , and then he was back to himself telling a story . I feel like the man had no conscience . I don 't think he had sympathy or love for anybody , to be honest . There 's no reason or rhyme a lot of times for what people do except , in my opinion , [ they ] are just mean . I 've met mean people in my life , and I think he 's one of them . And to the day I die , I will always think that justice was served . I have no doubts in my mind . . . . To start with , with the mother , you 've got the motherly instincts . A mother don 't want to believe that her child could do that . It 's just a terrible thing . And a mom will , most of the time , love their kids no matter what , and they are going to take up for them no matter what . Even if she knew he done it , she probably wouldn 't admit it herself , because that 's jut a terrible thing to realize your flesh and blood would do something like this . The other people didn 't see him probably on a daily basis , especially his family , because he lived away from home . Stacy even admitted that he abused her and beat on her , and she stayed hoping that it would change , but it never did . She would tell lies to everybody . One time she had a big black eye , and she said she went up and told the family that the baby had bumped her with her head , when actually he had poked her in the eye . So they didn 't get the whole picture , and they only wanted to believe what they wanted to believe . Other people in the neighborhood , they saw him at his worst , not on his best behavior . What I gathered through the investigation , he was a ladies ' man . He was pleasing to the ladies ; he was not a bad - looking guy , and he hung out in the bars and stuff . The way I understand [ it ] , he had a couple of affairs when he was married , so the ladies might tend to favor him in situations like that , not want to think the worst , which is the reason why I think maybe they stood up for him . True , but he was a younger age at that time . He was a juvenile . Now he 's a grown man . His drug use has increased . His violence level has increased as he got older . And they didn 't see him in his later years . They only can judge by what they saw at the time . He has a personality that can win you over if you 're not careful . He can be very likable to the average person if you don 't know what to look for . And I think that 's what it was . He was probably a likable kid , and that 's why probably in his younger days I was told by the juvenile detectives that he had a gang , and he would recruit younger kids that he could intimidate , that he would send out to do the burglaries and bring the loot back to him , and then he would pay them off in drugs . So he was a ring leader . He 's been a conniver all along . He 's just one of those who has a personality that can get away with it . He put out a front , and that 's what a lot of them were looking at , but I think . . . as he got older , his true nature come out , just like his half - brother 's and stuff . They all had a streak of violence in them . He 's a loser because he wanted to be . He put himself in those positions . He took the drugs . He 's the one that didn 't want to work . He 's the one that wanted to hang out in the bars or whatever . That 's his decision that he made on his own . So if anybody wants to say that he 's a loser , I would say it 's because he made himself one . That 's the life he led . His wife went out and worked , and he stayed home . He had to sleep it off . . . . He liked the party life , and work really didn 't fit in with his party life , and I think raising children didn 't fit in with his party life . But I feel no remorse for him because he lived his own life . And nowadays , modern times , there 's a lot of help if you want it . If you want to change , you can go and find help . It 's out there . All you 've got to do is go get it , and he made no effort . He 's just what he was . And sometimes we run across those people . It 's just I guess the way God made him , I don 't know . That 's for a lot of crimes . Yeah , I can understand that . If you 're accused of theft , then there 's some people who , even though there 's proof you didn 't do it , will always think that you 're a thief . Child molesting , if you 're accused of molesting children and come to find out you didn 't do it , it don 't matter ; the stigma is still attached to you . And it 's not right , but that 's just society . It happens . And it 's hard on somebody that has to live through that , I 'm sure . That he did . As time goes on , techniques get better , and I wish that we had had them at that time , because I think we could have proved our case even better with scientific evidence . But at the time , we had what we had . It 's the same stuff that every other fire department had in the nation , the same training . The same evidence would have been gathered . I think he did a very thorough job . And science is a good thing . It just makes our job easier . But I think with the evidence that we had , it was enough to prove that he committed the arson , that he killed his kids . It was enough to convince the jury ; it was enough to convince the upper courts and the governor [ Rick Perry ] . I haven 't looked at it . . . . I followed some of the stuff in the news . But the news had an agenda . Like I said , they wanted to prove a point [ about ] the death penalty . . . . I 'm not going there . That 's not my job . My job as an investigator is to find the facts , and if it 's sufficient facts to present them to the district attorney , and that 's what we did . Yes . They haven 't told us what caused the fire . If it wasn 't arson , what was it ? If the pictures can say it 's not arson , then the pictures should tell you what did start it , if they are that good at interpreting the pictures , in my opinion . I found him to be very good , very thorough . He had been in the business a long time , seen a lot of fires . Got his training and was instructed at the fire academy here . He has a broad working knowledge of fire investigations , . . . so he knows his business . Alongside him there was also the state fire marshal , Mr . Vasquez , who was very skilled , very trained and had a lot of experience , so them together was a very competent team , in my opinion . After I went to school , what they were saying made sense . I could see what they were talking about , and then I realized , so they were right on with what the training was . I haven 't , but I haven 't worked that many fires with him . I worked a few going to school , but usually if there 's no crime involved or there 's no person involved , then we don 't get involved . If there 's a straight arson , usually the fire marshal will handle that . So a lot of times on some of these cases I wouldn 't even find out what happened until they filed a case , so I don 't know how the investigation went , and I don 't know how many he 's been wrong on or not . I 'm sure he 's missed something ; everybody misses something . That 's just the way it is . I was sent to arson investigators ' school to learn how to investigate fires , the cause and origin of fires . It 's the same training that , as far as I know , is nationally taught . I did three weeks of classroom and situation training out there where they 'd take us , have burnt buildings we 'd look at and stuff to learn to apply the knowledge we had . And when I got back , then I 'd team with the fire marshal and assistants he followed , and [ I ] worked on several fires with him to advance my training to actually get field training of what I was taught in the classroom . The scientific equipment and stuff is better , I 'm sure . The lab equipment and stuff is probably a lot better than it used to be in this . So you learn as you go , because no two fires are the same . And through the years , they 've just learned to be better at it . . . . I don 't think I 'm wrong . I 'm firm believing that justice was served in this case . I can 't think of anything we haven 't covered . I think we covered it pretty well . I think a crime was committed , and a person was punished for that crime . Readers ' comments that include profanity , obscenity , personal attacks , harassment , or are defamatory , sexist , racist , violate a third party 's right to privacy , or are otherwise inappropriate , will be removed . 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So , over the past few days the girls and I have been talking . They asked me if I asked me if I had talked to my mom about the " kaily " issue . I told them yes and I told them what was said . Today I asked Rusty if he thought that the girls think I am a bad mom . Rusty just said that he does not think that the girls think that . He said that the girls probably did not even know that I would steal food just to food them . Yes I am a very cheap person ! I DO want something for nothing ! LOL I knew if I asked around long enough that I would find someone would let me have some paving stones . I just cannot stand to go spend on stuff that other people are throwing away , So that is why I look real hard for free stuff . I did talk to one of my girlfriends and the doctor is going to induce her on Thursday ! I am so happy for them ! They have been trying to have a baby for ten years and now they are finally going to have one ! I tried to call my mom today , but I got her machine . To my great surprise it was my dads voice on the machine . The last time I called my mom it was my moms voice on the machine . I am trying to find some place that will dye the girls hair . . . . . . for less then an arm and a leg ! Every place we have gone wants around $ 80 ! I think that is crazy . OH ! I have been looking for some free stone , so that I can do my back yard . I found a guy that has 1 , 000 of those octagon pavers . He told me that if I want them all I have to do is come and get them . Three cheers for the cheap person ! I hope everyone remembers that it is hump day ! Well the girls did not take the news of their grandfathers passing very well . Both of the girls had a cry and I think that more tears are on the way . I know that only time will heal their heart . I also know in time that they WILL be able to look back and laugh about the fun times that they did have with their grandfather . I on the other hand have not cried yet . I have been strong for the children , but I know that when I least expect it , it will hit me . I am just glad that I have Rusty to lean on . Last night the girls picked out their Halloween costumes and they are going as wonder women and bat women . So I will be sending Ryan as super man . I think they will look so good . So some of you may remember that I was recycling glass and then putting the money towards the girls trip - - - next year - - . Anyway , a bar contacted me and asked me to come by and pick up their bottles every Monday . I was so happy ! That will really help raise the money that they need . I did talk to my mom today and my dad has slipped into a coma . I asked my mom how she is doing , and she just started crying . I wish she would let hospice come in and help her out . They said that they could send an aid in 3 times a week , but my mom will have none of it . She keep saying that she has cared for him for 40 years and she will continue to care for him . So last night I told my husband that it was casual sex Friday . then I asked him if he would like to have some meaningless sex . he did , so we did . I got up this morning and got busy cleaning . I was just so sick of this house . I am not talking about normal cleaning , I am talking about heavy duty cleaning . I went to lowes and bought some industrial bathroom cleaner and cabinet cleaner . I swear our cabinet were so dirty ! Now they look nice and pretty . The children 's bathroom was getting on my last nerve . I so want to do a total gut , but the money is just not there . So I scrubbed the tub and the surround . It looks brand new ! Then I scrapped up all the flooring . Now the floor looks like crap but it is ready for the new tile ! Next weekend we are going to pull the sink and the cabinet and the toilet . We will need to prime and paint and put up new base boards . Then the neighbor boy will lay the tile for us . I am so excited ! I have given up the dream of installing the bear claw tub . However that is o . k . I am thinking about selling the tub . I know I can get some money out of it . I thought about putting the feet on the tub and then having a piece of glass cut for it and turning it into a table . I am not sure what I am going to do with it , but I do not want to get of my bear claw tub . Yes today is Friday . I was hoping to have a good day . I got up this morning , made some tea , got dressed and I was ready to start my day . We got to the hippy store and I got what I needed and we headed out to the truck only to find that it would not start . So I called a friend to come get us . Rusty grabbed his tools and we headed back to get the truck . Rusty took the starter off the truck and we had it tested . The test said that the starter was fine . So Rusty put it back on . Still nothing . So Rusty went and bought a new starter and put it on . Still nothing ! Finally Rusty said " lets start at step one " he checked the connections and it turned out that the connections to the battery were not good ! All of that work in the hot sun for a 20 second fix ? ! Keep in mind that we just had to replace the head gaskets , all the plugs and wires . We had the whole system flushed and had to have new tires put on the truck . Today we got a new starter . I am telling you the truck is like new now ! Elle called me yesterday to let me know that she has a free ticket if I want to come see her . I just don 't think my family is ready for me to leave . I would however like to see Alaska . I think what we are going to send the girls to Alaska for a week . Maybe while they are on Christmas break . I think they would like that . My mom dropped me off at the airport and she actually cried . I just walked away . I have no idea why she was crying , but I know that I was happy to be coming back to the family that loves me . I must say that I am very proud of our oldest daughter , Amber . Today she and I had a long about her dance class . Now her dad and I have not been happy that she has been taking this dance class , but we figured that it was not worth the argument . Today when I asked Amber how her first day of school went . she said that dance was just awfull , and that she has to do this and she has to do that . . . So anyway I asked her if this class was woth it to her and she said no . So Amber is going to drop dance and try to get in photogrphy or a cooking class . Nikki had a good first day of school . From what Nikki said the school was not ready to be opened . The school district was suppose to have this school ready by now , but today there were no tables to eat at , no trash cans , and no place to have gym class . I guess the school district did not think to far a head since there is nothing but mud for the children to play in . As for my dad . He is now on very high doses of pain medicine , so he has slept most of the day . His breathing is really slowing down , and . . . . . . . . . . . I went with my mom today to make all the arrangements . So now everything is done . We even filled out the death certificate . Which by the way my mom and I were both kinda laughing about . The lady asked us what my fathers , fathers name was . Well we did not know ! The man that he called dad and that I called grandpa was not his " real " father . So we ended up putting not available ! I have been trying to talk my mom into letting a hospice volunteer and a nurses aid come in . My mom will have none of that . She said she does not some stranger taking care of my father . She is so scared that someone will be mean to him , so she is going to do this all by herself . My sister and her hell child came over today . After they left I had a very long talk with my mother . I told her that I sick of my sister trying to give me a guilt trip about not being here . I am sick of her asking me if I am going to go to Mexico , to help " scatter some of the ashes " . I also asked her how come when my children come to visit they always have to up with hell child ? She said well hell child wants to see them . So i asked her if it ever crossed her mind that MAYBE the other grandchildren do not want to spend time with the hell child , That maybe they you all to themselves ? Is that to much to ask . Well my mom said that it was not to much to ask , but still no real answers . I am so ready to go home . I feel like I missing everything . I am going to miss the children 's first day of school . I missed taking the girls shopping for school clothes . I wanted to take them to get their hair cut . I miss sleeping in the bed with Rusty and all of the animals that we own . I miss everything . This was one long weekend . No matter how much pain medicine we give my dad he is still in a lot of pain . He can no longer sit up with out passing out . Why are people allowed to live like this ? If I got caught keeping an animal alive . . . . who was suffering as much as my dad , I would be called mean . Yet if someone takes my dad 's " life " then they call it murder . Today I tried to give my dad a bath . I thought that maybe if we got some of his dead skin off he might feel better . Then i rubbed him down with cocoa butter and he said that it felt good . I do see how it could feel good . I was rubbing his skin against his bones . I had to wash my hands for ever just to get all of the coca butter and all of my dads dead skin off of my hands . Today , dad was so not there . I could look into his eyes and know that he did not know who I was . I hate that look . My dad also smells . My mom says that it is the smell of death . I hope I never smell that again . Hell child came over . I just avoided her and tried really hard to ignore her . my girlfriend said that i do not hate her , I hate what she represents . I know that is right . Every time I look at her I see the chosen grandchild . Amber called me today . She was crying and asking me to come home . My mom walked in the room and heard me say , " don 't cry , I will be home Wednesday " . My mom asked to talk to Amber . I think my mom finally got it . My children are suffering too . My mother and I have not spoken again on the subject of her choosing my sister over me . I know that right now she has more important things on her mind . I was just hoping for something . I do not feel any better now that everything is out in the open . I know that I will feel better when I get home and I get to see my family . The best revenge you can have on someone is to move on with life . so dad and I are sitting around and I asked him if he wanted something to eat . I must have listed of a million things to eat before I asked him if he wanted another chocolate chip cookie . Dad wanted another cookie . So we sat in his bed and ate cookies . Then my mom came home and I said " oh no we are going to be in trouble for eating cookies in the bed ! " My mom walks in the room and she is just smiling from ear to ear and asks what we are doing ! Then my dad tries to hide his cookie in his shirt pocket ! We were so busted . My dad was in a lot of pain today , so once my mom got him settled in for the night we went out back and we were talking . At first it was just about my dad , then the conversation to turned to hell child . Here is how that went . me : The other night when I lost it . . . . I was not upset by the way dads look . I was upset because my name is Kelli not Kailey . I am a person . I was upset because dad kept asking for Kailey , but no one in this house asked me how the girls and Ryan were taking the news . Did anyone ever stop to think what they might be going through ? me : I was a single mom with two children and you kicked me out . I lived in a roach infested apartment , while collecting welfare . I was in the middle of a divorce and you kicked me out . me : I am not a good mom , I stayed with a man who use to beat the shit of them . I use to steal food just to feed my children ! That is in the past . I no longer have that ass hole in my life and I no longer have to steal food . I am still here , even if no one wants me to be . I must say that I was scared to confront my mother about choosing one child over the other . Now I am not sure how I feel . I am glad that it is out in the open , but I really do not feel any better . My dads nurse came today . She did not tell us anything that we did not know . The skin is breaking down , he is taking fewer breaths , and for us to try to keep him comfortable . The nurse did ask me if my mom is ready to have an aid come in a few times a week . I think that she should take the help . So I am going to talk to my mom about it this weekend and then the nurse is going to mention it on Monday . We were suppose to get some rain this afternoon so I went for a walk earlier then I normally do . Anyway , I saw a man training a horse so I stopped to watch him . Then the man rode the horse over and I asked him what the horses name was . He told me that the horse was named macho and that he is being trained for a rodeo . The macho was tapped on the neck on he took a bow ! The man said that he had to bow when he was introduced to a pretty lady . LOL I just laughed . I was very impressed with how well the horse was trained . Tonight I was helping my mom get my dad ready for bed . We had to scoot him up and then try to get him on his side . My mom told my dad to roll over towards me . Then my dad looked at me and looked back at my mom and said " If I roll towards Kelli I am going to hit her " . Then he made a fist and took a swing at me . Oh , my body must be under more stress then I know . I have started my third period this month ! I better not get another period for a few more months ! So I got done cleaning out the van , and one of our neighbors came over to check on dad . Pat is just a sweet old lady ! Anyway Pat had mentioned to me that she had to choose between buying a new mattress or going to see her grandchildren . I thought that if I did something nice for someone else I might feel better . So I went out to look for a mattress . Well I went to this one store and I told the sales lady what size of mattress I was looking for and that I wanted to keep it under $ 150 . Well she went and started checking , so I was walking around looking at some other stuff . I saw this lamp that Ryan would love ! So The sales lady finds me and tells me that she did not have any mattresses for under $ 250 . So I asked her how much the lamp was . She said " Well it is more then you would like to pay for it . That lamp is $ 80 ! " O . K . now the bitch has crossed a line . I may look a little rough on the edges because I just got done scrubbing the van , but listen here , my money spends the same as anyone else 's money . I just left the store . That lady was so rude ! Then the child from hell showed up . I tried to keep it together , but I could not . I went outside to grab my shoes and my mom was like " what is wrong " ? I just told her that now was not the time nor the place . I put on my running shoes and started running . I was running and crying so much that I could not breath . I slowed down and ended up walking . I got a lot of thinking done while I was on the walk . First of all I never want to see corn grow again . Second of all , I never want to come back Chicago again . Third of all , I never want to see my sister or hell child again . I guess I should tell everyone what set me off this time . A side from my dad yelling at me , all he asked for was hell child . Then my mom and sister kept calling me by her name ! Now I guess I need to explain why that up set me . First of all there are more grandchildren then hell child , Not once has anyone asked how MY children are doing . I would love to be called by my name . All day long my mother and father called me hell child 's name . Then my sister started doing it . That was when I lost it . I am a person with a name and with feelings . Rusty said that I should tell my mother how I am feeling . But I figure what is the point . All it will do is piss them off , and nothing will change . I thought I tell my mom ( after my sister left ) how I felt but . . . . . . well all she said to me was " dinner is done , come eat " . I no longer want to be here . I want to go home to California . What was I thinking by coming here ? Today my dad has done nothing but yell at me ! Go away , you don 't know anything , stop trying to help me , these are just a few comments from my father . To top it all off all he is worried about is when Kailey will here . ( my sisters child ) What the fuck ? Even on his death bed I am not good enough for him . Why am I fighting for him ? Why am I crying for him ? Why am I even here ? All I know for sure is that Kailey will be here at some point today . I will try not to kill her . Yesterday when she was here I just avoided her and when she came to give me a hug good bye I just patted her on the head . I know that is mean , but that is how I feel . Anyway , enough of the pity party . I am going to go clean the van for my mom . So , my sister comes over today and mentions that her cat had kittens last night . The first thing that went through my mind was " why isn 't your cat fixed ? " I hate it when people do not fix their pets . lets face it their are pets in the shelters that would love a good home . Anyway Let me get off my soap box and back to the story . Then about an hour after she leaves she calls to tell us that all of the kittens are dead ! She said " I don 't know what happened . They all have bite marks in them ! No , I did not put the dogs away . I left the mom and her kitten in the box in the living room . Our dogs would never harm them " . my sister win the award for being stupid ! Today I decided that I needed to do something nice for someone else . I bought five marines lunch today . They were so shocked ! I said " what ? hasn 't anyone done anything nice for you guys before ? " I just love surprising people . My dad was so funny last night . I woke up several times to check on him and every time he had his hand stretched out and was holding on to my blanket ! he was watching me sleep ! If I left his room he would ask me if I was going to leave him . My mom found some old pictures of my dad from when he was a child . So we are working on scanning all of them into the computer . My mom says I look just like my father , but I do not see it . I started working another quilt today . I hope this one turns out really cute ! The will be the first one I have ever done where all of the pieces are diamonds . As for my journal buddies in the u . k . I am so happy that Scotland yard caught those people . I only wish that we could all get along and stop killing people ! Anyway my hat is off to Scotland yard . I asked my mom if dad has tried smoking some weed to help with his pain . In the early day 's he did , but not in the past few years . Then they gave him some medicine that was weed based but he did not do good on it . I got to spend some time with my dad before he went to bed . I don 't think he knew who I was most of the time . However I did play a song for him that was something special between us . For a moment I knew he knew I was here . I have some awesome girlfriends ! One of my girlfriends is going to come over and take the girls out to get their hair cut and then dye their hair for them . Another girlfriend is going to come over and take them school shopping ! My girlfriends have really stepped up to help me out . I was feeling a little bad about not being able to do these thing with the girls . I know how much they wanted this stuff done before school started . I am just glad that I have awesome friends ! When I was talking to my mom today she mentioned that she has not even told my dads older sister that my dad is going quick ! This is the only sibling that he was close to ! I know that they will be one state over this weekend , but who knows if they are going to stop by . Anyway , I am staying out of it . If my mom chooses not to say anything then that is her business . I am not sure what to expect . I told my mom in no uncertain terms that I am there to spend some time with her and my dad . I am not there to baby sit Kaily . Today Rusty and I went down to base and we took our friends out to lunch . I so wanted to be there when they left of Iraq , but I can 't . So I figured lunch would have to do . Skeet . Shooting skeet is where you take a shot gun and shoot clay plate that are flung into the air ! I know that is over kill . Lets face it . . . . . you are using a shot gun to shoot a piece of china ? ! LOL The smell in the fridge is gone . However I cannot tell you where the smell came from ! Now that we have thrown everything out and washed everything down . . . well the fridge looks empty ! I had to take Nikki down and get her registered for school ! That was such a joke . First they could not find her on their forms , and then they wanted to give forms in Spanish ! If I am speaking to you in English do you think I want Spanish forms ? Nikki is off to summer camp for a week . I am telling you guys the girls have been gone all summer long . I am just so glad that they had a great summer . As for my quilt . I use a machine . I am hoping that one day I will get a quilting machine , but until then I am still happy . Yes Zoe , I am very honest . I don 't know why I am so honest , but I am . Being honest has gotten me into some trouble , so over the years I have learned that just because I am thinking it does not give me the right to say it . Our friends were talking about skeet shooting . I want to go do that ! O . K . I want to try that ! I am not sure if I could hit a moving target , but I will try ! LOL So I told Rusty once the children go back to school we will have to go down to base , so I can learn this " sport " . There is something in my fridge that just smells . I so cannot find it . I guess I am going to have to take everything out and scrub it down real good . Well as you can see , this is my scrap quilt ! Tonight I will get to snuggle under it for the first time . Can you believe that I have never made myself a quilt ? This is actually the first quilt that I have made for Rusty and I to share ! My goal for today is to get the back of a quilt put together . A few years ago I started taking all of my scraps and sewing them together . Well now the scraps have been sewn into a quilt for mine and Rusty 's bed . I can 't wait to sleep under it ! I have not heard anything from my mom . I am fine with that . I do still need to cool down a little bit more before I talk with her again . I wanted to take the children down to base one day next week , but I just looked at the calendar and someone has something going on everyday next week ! I really wanted to go to the archery place and learn how to shoot a bow and arrow , and then I thought we would go the beach after that . I guess we will have to put that off for another week . 3 . By going to Chicago for a few weeks I will be putting my life on hold . However once I get back to California , I am going to start living again . . . . . without my mother , sister and niece . 4 . I am going to let my mother have what she wants , my sister and niece . There will be no more phone calls to say " hi " . I am done trying to please someone who does not even want me . 5 . I hope that my niece enjoys watching my father die . I hope that my dad comes back and haunts her . I hope that every time she closes her eyes she will see him . That is my curse for her . Last night all of my friend just gave me a hug . Tony said that he had no idea what to say so he just gave me a hug . CJ and Jake did the same thing . The life I have made for myself is good and this is where I want to be . I want to be my husband , my children and my friends . We have good friends and good food so what more could I ask for ? So my mom tells me that she finally got my dad into the tub today . He had been in the same clothes for four days ! I know my mom is doing the best that she can . I know that she has to work and take care of my dad . Please keep in mind my dad not soil himself he is just stubborn . Anyway , my question is : What in the hell is my sister doing ? That is our father . I am sorry but at some point I would think that she would step up and help . Let 's see she only lives 20 minutes away and she can drop her child off for my mom to watch , but she cannot give our father a bath ? That was when I lost it . I said " then why is it that Kaily ( my niece ) is allowed to watch him die ? Why is it mom ? " All my mom could say is that " Well she has been here from the beginning " Then I bit my lip . You know I still not understand why my own mom kicked me out when I needed her . Why was I allowed to go homeless with the girls ? Why is it that Kaily gets the privilege of having grandparent as a babysitter ? How can they choose one grandchild over another ? After I vented on Rusty , which really did not make me feel any better , I realized something . When I do go home I will no one to lean on . I will have to hold my anger in and I will have to try really hard not to kill Kaily . I will be facing the unknown on my own . I will have no shoulders to lean on . I guess this is going to be a true test of my strength . The more I thought about it , I will not even have a friend to call on . The town I grew up in is filled with people I know . However I am not the same person I was when I was 18 , and I know I don 't want to be around any of them anyway . Tonight all of our single marines will be coming up . I am sure going to miss them when they leave . They are suse to be on half day 's since they will be leaving soon , but their commands have been making them work long hours . So I thought I would make them a good dinner filled with comfort food . The other day Nikki and were bored so we started pricing air fare . Did you know that we can fly from California to Hawaii for only $ 250 round trip ? We started calling of our girls friend and asking them if they wanted to go ! LOL Now if only we could actually get everyone together and go . Next week I have to take the girls to register for school . I am not sure if I am looking forward to that or not . I know I am looking forward to the first day of school . I think to celebrate the first day of school I am going to walk around totally naked and do nothing ! Yesterday I went to the store and bought some stuff for me to take back to my parents house . Nikki asked me why I was buying some of the stuff , and when I told her , she said " pop won 't die , he said that we are going out there next summer " . I know that it is going to be hard on the children when my dad dies . I guess grandparents are not allowed to pass away . I spent most of yesterday cleaning and working in the yard , so I do not have to do that today . I even did all of the laundry ! LOL Amber comes home tonight and I can 't wait to see her . Amber told me that she hates portland because it is cold there . I guess when you are use to living in hell anything is cold . I have not talked to my mom in a few day 's , so I am not sure how my dad is doing . I just hope that my dad is not suffering . I know his mind and body are going , but I just hope and pray that he is not in any pain . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go !
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Tags : creepy , evil spirits , ghosts , halloween , scary stories , spooky , supernatural , true story , writing Since it 's Halloween , I thought I 'd tell you about the creepiest thing ( s ) that 's ever happened to me . You would think I 'd have lots of creepy stories , having grown up in a house that was built in the 1880 's , in a very small , historic town . Perhaps surprisingly , nothing much spooky ever really happened in that house . A couple weird things , but nothing that actually scared me . Maybe that 's a topic for another post . During the summer of 2013 , I moved out of an apartment and into a house , so Birdy could once again have her own back yard . The house was tiny - not much more than 700 sqft - but it had a nice - sized , fenced back yard with good trees , a second bedroom I could use as a craft / sewing room , a storage room plus attic space , and I figured , " How much space does one person really need ? " It was built in the 1940 's - a post - war , cookie cutter , white box of a thing . I liked the vintage character and the hardwood floors . A month or so after moving in , I got very sick . Sicker than I had been since I could even remember . High fever , chills , body aches , vomiting , sore throat . I was so weak , I could barely walk . My whole body just hurt . I laid in bed for days , thinking periodically , " I am going to have to get up and at least get something to drink so I don 't get dehydrated . " Then I piled my bedside table with bottles of water and Gatorade so I wouldn 't have to get out of bed . I was too weak to drive myself to the doctor 's office , and I kept thinking I would feel better the next day . My friend Camille * came over to check on me a couple times and made me take some essential oil capsules she 'd made for me . When I finally made it to the doctor , he said it was flu , strep throat and walking pneumonia . Okay , no wonder I felt so bad . You 're probably thinking , " What does that have to do with the house ? " Maybe nothing . Maybe it was just a coincidence . Or , maybe not . About a month later , the same friend who had brought me the essential oil capsules went through a bitter divorce and needed a place to stay temporarily . So Camille and her cat , Squirt , moved into my second bedroom for a few months while she made preparations for moving to Australia . Camille is a small - statured person , but she is no glass flower . She grew up on hundreds of acres and knows how to hunt and shoot . She 's fiercely independent , strongly principled , and she can run in high heels . A few weeks after Camille and Squirt moved in , I was at Robbie 's apartment one night . Around 10 : 00 pm , my cell phone rang . It was Camille . She said , " I think someone just tried to break into the house . " " I was in my bedroom , and all of a sudden , I heard this noise , like someone was holding the front door knob and violently shaking it in the frame . Birdy went into straight attack - mode , barking and growling , snarling , teeth bared , scratching at the door . I 've never , ever seen her act like that . I grabbed my pistol and went to look out the peep hole , but I didn 't see anything . So I looked out the front window , and I didn 't see anyone in the yard , or walking down the street , or running away . " " Yeah , maybe , " she said . " But then why didn 't I see anyone outside ? And why would they shake the door like that if they were just trying the lock ? " " No , it 's okay , " she said . " The door 's locked , I 've got my gun , and I 've got Birdy Bodyguard on high alert . I 'll call you if something else happens . " The next day , I filed a police report , thinking if someone was running around the neighborhood trying doors or breaking in , they might want to know about it and do some additional patroling or something . The officer 's response was , " Why didn 't y ' all call the police when it happened ? Why 'd you wait until the next day ? " I said , " Well , I wasn 't home , and my roommate didn 't see anyone , so she didn 't feel she was in any immediate danger . " " It 's an old house , it has its creaks and cracks . But my roommate is a pretty tough cookie - she knows how to shoot , and she doesn 't scare easily . She definitely believed the noise was caused by a person shaking the door . " " Okay , " he said . " We 'll assign some additional patrol in that neighborhood . It 's good to know in case anyone else over there starts having problems . " A few months later , just before Camille moved to Australia , Robbie moved out of his apartment and into my house . Only a few weeks after moving in , Robbie got very sick . He laid on the couch with a high fever , his hair damp with sweat . It was possibly the only time he has ever missed watching an Alabama football game . It was the sickest he had been at least since I had known him , which at that time was over two years . And it was the sickest he could remember being for longer than that . Once he finally went to the doctor , they diagnosed him with the flu , strep throat , and walking pneumonia - the exact same diagnosis I had received just a few months earlier , when I was the house 's newest resident . After that , we started hearing things regularly . Tapping on walls . Movement in the storage room . The lamp in the living room would go off by itself , and when someone reached over to turn the switch , it would come back on . One Saturday morning , we had slept late and were laying in bed , fully awake and about to get up , when we heard something sprint across the attic . Loud , heavy steps , like a person on two legs running hard . The house was drafty and poorly insulated , and it wouldn 't have surprised me if a squirrel had gotten into the attic through some small hole . But that was definitely not a noise a creature that small would produce . One night , Robbie 's friend Roger stopped by to say hello and catch up . Robbie walked Roger to his car as he was about to leave . They stood in the driveway chatting for a little while longer . Roger told Robbie , " I better let you get back inside before Maegan gets mad at you for being out here so long ! She 's looking for you . " He pointed at the living room window , where they could clearly see the shadow of a figure pulling a couple blinds apart to peep out . A little while later , Robbie came back inside and said , " Sorry I was out there so long . You 're not mad are you ? We saw you looking out the window . " Our next - door neighbor , who was middle - aged and in fine health , died very suddenly after a bout with - you guessed it - pneumonia . Others around us seemed affected by something negative in the air . We witnessed an angry boyfriend - girlfriend argument happening across the street . A family had moved in on the other side of us , into the house on the corner - mom , dad , son , son 's girlfriend , and their infant son / grandson . They had frequent loud arguments and physical altercations that were usually drug - and - alcohol related . Once , Robbie went over to retrieve a tool he had loaned to them , and found the baby in its stroller , alone on the front porch . They police got to know our street very well in a few short months . That family had constant dark , supernatural experiences in the house . Robbie is the never - met - a - stranger type of guy , and he had spent some time talking to them all and had heard their stories about feeling a negative presence , doors opening and closing , seeing a shadowy figure darting around . Something wasn 't right there . He went over there one night at the grandmother 's request , and he felt it and saw the shadow figure . He left quickly and said he felt like something was chasing him out of there and kept chasing until he got to our property line , then dropped back . One night I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of children laughing , flute music , and what sounded like someone tapping sticks together . It sounded like it was coming from the space in between our house and the corner house . One of our bedroom windows faced that area . I got out of bed and looked out the window . Nothing . The next - door neighbor who died from pneumonia left behind a wife and a teenage son with a developmental disability named Ryan . Ryan was beloved by the whole neighborhood . He loved to garden and do yard work for everyone and preferred to get paid with twenty one - dollar bills instead of one twenty because it made him feel like he had more money if there were more pieces of paper . He played the drums in the band at their church and loved playing ( and talking about ) music . He was a huge Beatles fan , and we gave him a t - shirt for his birthday of the famous Abbey Road album cover photo . He was more excited about that t - shirt than the chocolate cake his mom bought . And he loooooooved chocolate . When Ryan graduated from high school , our neighbor on the other side of them hosted a graduation party for him , and the whole neighborhood was invited . The whole neighborhood , with the exception of the new family on the corner with all the problems . They had a live band , which Ryan was super excited about , and lots of barbecue . I was sitting in the beautiful back yard garden ( the host was a Japanese maple farmer ) , talking to Ryan about music and what he wanted to do now that he was a big fancy high school grad , when Robbie came barreling out the back door and said , " You need to get in here . It 's the baby . " I ran inside and saw a group of people in the living room standing around the host , who was performing CPR on the baby from the corner house . The baby was gray . The host 's roommate was on the phone with 911 . The baby 's father , Jason , had found the baby not breathing and ran with him up the street to the party because no one was at home - the whole street was there . Jason paced around , frantic , wailing , sobbing . The rest of the famiy arrived around the same time as the ambulance . Realizing there was nothing we could do , and not wanting to be in the way , we walked back over to our house . The police came around questioning everyone who had been at the party . We told them what Jason had told us . He said the baby was sleeping on the couch , and his mother was in the room . He was in the bedroom , and his girlfriend was taking a shower . His mother called out to him that the baby didn 't look like it was breathing . He tried CPR and then ran with the baby up the street to get help . A few days later we learned that the baby had died . They determined that it was SIDS . We consulted a couple different people with knowledge and experience in the supernatural . We were given a concoction of herbs to put around the house that was supposed to ward off certain negative influences . We had readings in which we were told there was a dark spirit attached to the corner and to the creek that was affecting the entire area and that we should try to limit our interaction with the family who lived there , especially that we should not go into that house or allow any of them into ours , to stay away from the creek . We were told that there was also a protective spirit with us who would manifest physically if needed , and that we would understand when or if that happened . This dog that no one had seen before had appeared on the corner . It laid down in the grass across the street from the house , across from the creek . It crossed the street into the yard of the house ( shown in the photo ) . It laid in that yard for a while . It investigated the yard and the woods behind and beside it . It walked up and down the street around the house , crossed over and went down into the wooded ravine where a portion of the creek bed ran ( that 's the dark area in the photo ) . So , by this point , we had decided to sublease the house and move out . We found a great place on the other side of town , found a subleaser very quickly , and were happy to be getting away from all the negative vibes and bad juju . The day we moved to the new house , we had to make several trips back and forth across town because we didn 't want to rent a moving truck . It was an all - day affair , even with the three friends who volunteered to help , and by the time we had moved all the boxes over and were finishing up cleaning the empty house , it was dark out . As Robbie was loading up the cleaning supplies , and we were ready to leave for the last time , it occured to me that my box of camping supplies was in the attic . It was the only thing I ever stored up there , because it wouldn 't be affected by temperature or moisture . Robbie said he would go up and get it , even though he hated going up there , and the attic ladder was a little rickety , and he was always afraid it would break on him . " It 's right at the top of the stairs , " I said . " You 'll be fine . " I went to the car and waited for him . A few minutes later , Robbie came flying out the front door with the box , threw it in the car , jumped in , and said , " We have to get out of here right now . Go ! Go ! " I sped off towards the new house with Robbie practically hyperventilating beside me . I kept saying , " What 's wrong ? What is it ? " He couldn 't even speak . He was just like , " Ohmygodohmygodohmygod ! " He said , " I went up to get that box , and I walked to the back part of the attic just to check and make sure we weren 't leaving anything else up there . There were pieces of carpet remnants on the floor , pieces of cardboard with stuff written on it that was not in any language I 'm familiar with , and above that was an old - ass , dirty babydoll hanging upside down from a cord . I am not setting foot in that place , ever , ever again . " The only time I 've been back there was to clean after the subleasers moved out last month . The landlord 's son was there doing some repairs and yard work , but he left soon after I arrived . I was alone , cleaning in the kitchen . I heard tapping on the ceiling . And I left without finishing . Every single time I make chocolate chip cookies , I am kinda disappointed . They taste pretty good , but the consistency is NEVER RIGHT . You know how mad I get when the cookie part spreads out really thin and crispy , and then you hit a burst of chocolate chip a couple times ? I hate that . Or when they 're thick , but too hard ? It 's so difficult to get it the way I like it ! So I 've been experimenting for a while , combining different recipes and tips , and I 've finally found it . The PERFECT ( to me ) chocolate chip cookie . The primary keys to this recipe are fiddling with the baking temperature , butter consistency , amount of chips , and size of the dough balls . As I mentioned , I 'm totally picky about my cookies . And Robbie doesn 't like sweets enough to eat something unless it 's awesome . But he gobbled these up . I really made them for us to munch on during our recent road trip up to North Carolina , and on the way back , Spencer ( our little dog ) was trying so hard to co - pilot from the middle console that he stood right on top of the cooler and crushed them into small pieces . Robbie 's response was , " Dammit , Spence ! Is this the last bag ? " Unfortunately , it was , because I had left the rest at my parents ' house for them to enjoy . My mom is kind of a health food nut , so my dad is always pretty excited if anyone leaves him something to eat that is not a gluten - free rice cracker . So now we have one small ziplock bag of mostly broken cookies in the refrigerator that everyone is trying to avoid . So sad . Must make more immediately ! 2 1 / 4 cups flour1 cup brown sugar1 / 2 cup white sugar1 / 2 tsp baking soda1 / 2 tsp salt1 tsp vanilla1 1 / 2 sticks melted butter1 egg1 egg yolk1 whole package chocolate chipsI also threw in about 1 / 4 bag of Heath bits just because I found it in the pantry . Mix everything together with a spoon ( not electric mixer ! * hand smack * ) . Place ping - pong - ball - sized balls of dough on ungreased cookie sheet about 1 inch apart . Or golf ball sized , or whatever your sport of choice for non - athletic people is . I don 't think the order of adding ingredients really matters , but I basically mixed all the dry stuff together and then added the wet ones , with the chips coming in last . Here 's the important part : preheat the oven to 425 , but as soon as you put in the pans , turn it down to 375 . Bake 11 - 12 minutes . Let cool on the pan for 10 minutes before removing . If you have to bake in more than one batch like I do because I don 't have enough pans , turn the oven back up to 425 each time before inserting the pans , then turn it back down to 375 while baking . I think this temperature tweaking is the secret to the crisp on the outside , chewy on the inside miracle ! I didn 't invent it , though . Like I said , I have been reading and trying different things , and this temperature fiddling was suggested on another blog . And it totally worked magic ! Robbie makes tacos for dinner about twice a month , because he is the master of anything involving ground beef , and I just don 't prefer cooking with it for some reason . It 's not that it 's difficult . And I don 't mind eating it usually . I just think it 's weird . I don 't know why . We all have our quirks . For example , Robbie hates the way microfiber towels feel , and he can 't stand to touch loose change because it smells weird and is dirty . So , I am the change jar roller ! And he is the ground beef cooker . And I no longer buy any type of microfiber towel . But anyway . Robbie takes real pride in his secret seasoning combinations for steaks , burgers , taco meat , sloppy joes , and the like . And I find it totally impossible to cook refried beans properly , and he is actually very good at that , too . So , this is why he is in charge of taco night . Plus , I get to watch TV on the couch with my beer while he does all the work ! Yassssss . My ONLY job on taco night is to make the guacamole , which we use for dipping tortilla chips in while everything is cooking , and also for putting on our tacos as an extra condiment . Before he met me , Robbie had never had guacamole or avocados in any form ( I KNOW ! ) , and he claimed to not like it . He was afraid to try it the first time I made it for him . But I forced it into his mouth ! Muahaha ! And he loved it . Now he asks for it any time we eat anything remotely related to Mexican cuisine . Sometimes I let him taste - test to make him feel like his opinion matters . Ha ! Funny story : Once , I tried to grow an avocado tree using the pit from an avocado I used to make guacamole . There are instructions on Pinterest for this . It started out really easy . Just skewer the pit with toothpicks and set it over a glass of water so it 's about half - submerged . It grows roots , then a stalk , then leaves , and then hopefully about seven years later you have fruit . Mine grew roots , and a stalk about three feet tall , but it never , ever grew any leaves . Everyone who came to our house asked why I had a stick in a flower pot . It did not make the move with us to the new house . I am all about recipes that don 't require exact measurements . I 've played around with different ways to make guacamole over the years and finally have a pretty good process that , in my opinion , is just as tasty ( if not better ) than the tiny $ 5 bowls you get at Mexican restaurants . The best part is that you don 't have to measure anything at all ! Unless you are just very Type A and want to make sure it is totally perfect . I can relate to that , too . Cut the avocados in half and remove the pit . Use a spoon to scoop the meat out into a bowl . Mash with a fork until you reach the consistency you like . Some people like their guac a little chunky ; some people like it smooth and creamy . If it doesn 't mash easily with a fork because the avocados are not quite ripe enough , you can use a fork and a knife to cut it up into tinier , mashable pieces . Stir in the salsa and sour cream . I don 't use the tablespoon from my measuring spoon set . I just use a spoon from my eating utensil drawer - not the small cereal spoon , but the larger one . Like the one you would use to mix ingredients . I have no idea if that is actually the same as the measuring tablespoon or not . It seems close . For the other ingredients , I just cup my hand as if I was trying to collect a handful of water from a faucet . I fill up the little divot it makes in the center of my palm with each ingredient and dump it in , stirring to mix well . That 's it ! Obviously , you can taste it as you go and adjust the amounts according to what you like . I don 't let Robbie taste - test it anymore , because he always asks for more salt than I normally add . But when I just present it to him already finished , he never mentions it needing more salt . SO . THERE ! The lemon juice seems to help it from turning brown so quickly in the refrigerator , and I can keep it for about 2 days after it has been made to use for leftovers . Be sure to cover it with plastic wrap , though ! Enjoy on your own Mexican dinner night at home ! Because who can even afford to go out to eat anymore ? I 'm not sure where she originally found the recipe . There are several versions of it online , but I 'm posting this one because she ( of course ) tweaked it to suit her better , and when I make it for us now that we 're back home , I am not going to change even one single thing ! Robbie told her it was THE BEST CAKE HE HAS EVER HAD . We both raided the refrigerator every night around midnight , like teenagers with the munchies , tiptoeing around so we didn 't wake any adults , whispering , and giggling . Robbie 's tip for sneaking around : always walk on the balls of your feet ! Heat ( don 't boil ) over med . low heat , stirring until smooth . Do this about 10 min . before cake is done . You want it to be very warm as you spoon over cake . Poke holes in cake when you get it out of oven and pour / spoon this over as evenly as you can . I use Kebab skewers to poke . Sprinkle 1 c . Heath Bar bits over top . Let cool completely . Cover with 8 oz cool whip and sprinkle 1 / 4 to 1 / 2 c . heath bits over top . Keep in refrigerator . Such a good cake ! Trust me , I 'm not exactly * thrilled * about having a football - themed room , but I figured if I could take control of the decorating , it will at least turn out tastefully . But I 'm also trying to choose things Robbie will like , and things that are neither too masculine - or feminine - looking . It 's so hard trying to make everyone happy , especially when it comes to decorating ! For those of you who are not familiar with SEC football , The University of Alabama 's colors are crimson , white , black , and gray . I found this fabric at Walmart . It has varying shades of gray with a white background . The pattern is a little modern , and sort of trippy . I knew Robbie would approve of that , because for some reason he is drawn to psychedelic fabric patterns that look like an acid trip . The bookshelf is only about 2 ′ x 3 ′ , and two fat quarters were all the fabric I needed for the back . ( A fat quarter is a pre - cut , pre - packaged 1 / 4 of a yard . ) I considered using fabric glue or hot glue to attach it , but I dislike the messiness of both and was afraid it would be hard to get it straight and flat . So I bought some permanent fabric adhesive tape , which is sold in the sewing supplies section . It comes in a small roll , and there are different brands and sizes . Look for something like this : I laid out both pieces of fabric flat , with the right side down , and taped along each edge of the wrong side . This tape is used like any double - sided tape you might use for paper crafts , where the tape is covered by a waxy strip that you peel away after laying the tape where you want it . But this stuff is much heavier - duty and thicker . And stickier . It helps to press the tape down firmly on whatever it is being applied to , before peeling away the paper strip . If you don 't , sometimes the sticky part comes back up with the paper strip . With the other piece of fabric , I did the same thing , only starting from the bottom edge . I really could have measured the empty spot and cut the second piece of fabric to exactly match that space . But that was too much trouble , so I just overlapped it in the middle . Since the fabric has a busy pattern , and there will be shelves ( and things on the shelves ) in front of it , I didn 't figure it would be that noticeable . I just had to make sure that the pattern matched up in the overlapped area , which wasn 't too hard because it wasn 't that complicated of a pattern . That was it ! Covering only the back and not the sides meant that I didn 't have to worry about where the shelf brackets were . I did that on purpose because I didn 't want to measure and cut holes for them in the side fabric . I think it looks just fine with only the back covered . I just eyeballed the spacing and used a hammer to tap them in securely . So they are not all perfectly spaced or lined up , and the perfectionist and symmetry - lover in me is somewhat bothered by that , but I am trying to accept that it looks pretty good despite not being completely perfect . I think it would also look cool without space in between the " nail heads , " so if you want to eliminate the space in yours and have a more solid - line effect , you will need more than 200 thumbtacks , so purchase the next size up . I didn 't have many left over . So that was it ! And now I have a cute little bookshelf for the guest room ! I set those family photos on top just because I didn 't have another place for them , but they may not stay there . And I haven 't really decided if I 'll put books or knick - knacks on it yet . Maybe both . I want to keep it kinda sparsely filled so the fabric still shows . It 's been so long since I 've updated my blog , I don 't even know how to navigate the new and improved WordPress dashboard . I 've literally been so consumed with living in each moment for the last three years or so that I have neglected my online diary and left a lot of things forgotten . After reading back through my blog from beginning to end over the last few days , I can say the best thing about having it is all the things I documented that I have by now forgotten about because I don 't retain things . I don 't know why this is . I first became aware of this tendency my junior year of college . My friend Mandy , who was my best friend in high school that ended up at the same college as me eventually ( after we both transferred in ) got a crazy idea when I took a basic video production class that allowed me to have a very large , clunky video camera in my possession for the semester . We went back home and videotaped our old stomping grounds and common driving routes . We wandered around the dorm we both lived in , chatting with people on camera about nothing . A few years afterwards , I watched the video and literally had no memory of experiencing anything we captured . We took the camera with us on spring break to Fort Lauderdale , FL and filmed our group of friends on vacation . Doing nothing special . Blow - drying our hair to get ready to go out to dinner at a cool restaurant on A1A Beachfront Avenue . Preparing for a day on the beach , to go para - sailing , singing along to Ricky Martin videos on MTV . Capturing the view from our penthouse suite overlooking the ocean , secured on the cheap due to Mandy 's work - study job on campus . The dining hall was run by Sodexho , which was owned by Marriott . As a dining hall employee , she was entitled to the corporate perks available to any Marriott employee . So a group of us went to Florida for a week and stayed in a luxury suite on the beach with roof - top pools , all for something like $ 50 per person . Probably the nicest hotel suite I 've ever stayed in . And I was only 20 . I tried my fake ID at a little beach - side bar down the road - the same one that worked like a charm back home . The server laughed . I only remember these things because we recorded them , and I watched them multiple times later on . Going back and looking at my blog , I have no memory of so much of my life that I obviously felt important enough to document in some way . I 'm so glad I did , because there is a lot of cool shit I forgot about . Life has changed a lot for me since moving to Alabama . The " new economy " is a different animal , fraught with minimal opportunity and low wages . It took me a couple years , but after working in a restaurant for much longer than desired , I finally found another professional job that is semi - related to my past work experience . Even though I now make less money than I did starting out with no experience ten years ago . Apparently , that is the current state of the economy , and it 's not changing any time soon . I used to run the marketing department of one of the largest and most successful real estate companies in my city . Now , I work for a property management company in the leasing office of an apartment home community . My immediate supervisor is 12 years younger than I am . I am only a part - time employee , with no paid time off and benefits so crappy I opted for the Affordable Care Act 's offerings instead . But I also work on commission , without which I would not be able to afford all of my living expenses . Things are manageable . There is no room for emergencies or errors or savings . Sadly , my many years of experience and knowledge and education do not mean anything and are hardly recognized . These days , it 's all about who will do the work of three people for the least amount of money . Skills are actually a drawback now . Skills and experience mean you think you deserve more money , but your company is perfectly willing to hire someone with no skills or experience as long as they will work for less pay / hours / benefits . So you take what you can get , and you just accept the years of setback and get up when your alarm goes off . But I am doing okay . I am healthy and happy . I have good people in my life . I have someone I love and who loves me . These last two or three years have been some of the most difficult in my life . But I have learned a lot about myself and about other people . And I am very fortunate to have a house with a fenced back yard for the dogs , a boyfriend who tells and shows me every day that he loves me , friends I enjoy spending time with , a boss who is fair and enjoyable to work with , a supportive family . Tags : bands , camping , concerts , dancing lemur design , hippies , jomeokee , moonshine , music festivals , nc , north carolina , pilot mountain , pinnacle , smilefest , smilefest reunion , vacation I made a trip up to North Carolina last month to see some friends and visit with my family . The primary purpose was to go to Smilefest . This year was my fifth or sixth going to that festival , I believe . I 've been to it in three different locations now , and the latest one , while still not quite my favorite , is definitely great . My favorite was when it was in Union Grove on Van Hoy Farms . Least favorite was at Deerfields outside Asheville . Of course , I love that area , but that park is not conducive to festivals whatsoever . We bitched the entire time about having to hike our stuff in for miles ( even though there were flatbeds to ease the walk if you could catch one ) . It was still ridiculous , and I 'm not a fan of sleeping in a tent pitched on a nearly vertical mountainside . This year , for the second year in a row , it 's been held at Jomeokee Campground in Pinnacle , right at the foot of Pilot Mountain . It 's a beautiful site , and they 've kept the ticket sales semi - private for people who have been before ( hence the " reunion " moniker ) , so you end up with people who know how not to act a fool , and who are experienced festival - goers and are there to enjoy the music ( okay , and also have a little fun ) . As usual , we heard a lot of really awesome music and drank a lot of beer and camped and got real dirty for a few days . I live for those weekends . Good times with good friends . Met a lot of awesome new people too . Saw folks I only ever see at Smilefest ( another reason why it 's like a reunion ) . Here are some pictures my good friend Jenny took , since I have none of my own to share because I didn 't take any . You can check out the Facebook page of her photography business ( Dancing Lemur Design ) here . She is really good , and you should " like " her . Me trying to figure out how I 'm gonna get a queen - size air mattress into my 2 - man tent . Travis totally did it , and it was like my own private bouncy castle . Awesomeness . Always love the hula - hoopers and wish I still had mine . Unfortunately not everything can make the cut when you move . I would like to investigate the collapsible options , though . We had a huge campsite set up , with about eight people camping together , complete with four or five easy - up tents . We basically created an open - air house . One tent was just the kitchen area . One was the sitting room . We dubbed it " Cabanapyland . " The Jerry tapestry provided a little shade and privacy . In this picture , I 'm standing in the living room . LOL . We had not one , but two solar showers . And , because we are seasoned veterans and smartipantses , we totally camped right beside a pole with a power outlet and a water spigot . SCORE ! Here 's a nice shot of the main stage with Pilot Mountain in the background . So pretty . Great time . Can 't wait til next year ! Tags : best TV characters , nick offerman , parks and recreation , people i would like to get a beer with , pyramid of greatness , ron swanson , television Ron Swanson , on Parks & Recreation , is truly one of my all - time favorite television characters . Do I agree with everything he says ? Not even close . Do I admire his stalwart dedication to his own principles , and his general attitude of " I do what I want , and I get away with it , because I am Ron Effing Swanson ? " Absolutely . He is also a decent person underneath it all . If I could get a beer with anyone on the planet , he would be at the top of my list . I loved the " Pyramid of Greatness " episode , and I decided there are probably some Swansonites out there who would appreciate seeing it all listed out , so here it is . Ron Swanson 's Pyramid of Greatness . Tags : adult ADD , cedar rapids , diane lane , ed helms , films , horse racing , horses , jeff bridges , john malkovich , kentucky derby , matt damon , movies , secretariat , triple crown , true grit , westerns I avoided watching Secretariat for a long time , even after it became available for free on my Netflix Watch Instantly . The previews made it look completely cheesy , and it is a Disney movie . I finally broke down and watched it last weekend , because I just needed a distraction from some current stress in my life , and sometimes Disney movies are useful for triggering a good cry . Okay , it is completely cheesy , but it was so enjoyable . I love horse movies - I 've seen Seabiscuit countless times . I think this is because it reminds me of how excited my mom gets on Triple Crown race days . She used to show and ride horses when she was young , and she knows all the small details to point out before , during , and after the races that make watching it a lot of fun for people who don 't know that much about the sport . Secretariat is a great underdog movie , like a lot of Disney movies tend to be . Overcoming obstacles , staying true to your convictions , strength in the face of adversity . As cliched as it might be , these are still things that inspire me , and things I need reminders about sometimes . I was a little perplexed at first by the casting of John Malkovich as the trainer , but he turned out to be great and more lovable than just about any other character he 's ever played . I would have appreciated it if Diane Lane 's character ( the horse 's owner ) had been a little less one - dimensional . She was portrayed like the greatest saint who ever lived , who could do no wrong . I would have sympathized with her character 's difficulties more if she had come off like more of an actual human . And this is what you would expect from a Disney movie , and one of the reasons I had avoided it . But I was actually really moved by the race segments of the movie , when Secretariat came from last place and won by distances so great that no other race horse has ever come close to touching his records . He is , to this day , THE GREATEST RACE HORSE THAT EVER LIVED . During the race scenes , I was yelling from the couch and freaking out my dog , and when he won , I cried . Even though I knew the story , and I knew he was going to win . I admit it ; I still cried . And you know what ? I would totally watch it again . Cedar Rapids … meh . I love Ed Helms , and I thought he was great in it , but it wasn 't quite as funny as I had hoped . Yes , it was quirky , but the characters were all a little silly . The plot was not that interesting when it came down to it . I liked the outcome / ending , and I was smiling when it was over , but it felt like a long time of waiting for that to happen in the last ten minutes . Also , Anne Heche ? She 's still alive ? Really ? She should go back into hiding . Oh , True Grit . I 'm really not into Westerns , but I try to watch the Best Picture Oscar nominees every year . I love Jeff Bridges . But Matt Damon as a Texas Ranger … weird . The little girl was annoying as hell . I could not get into the plot at all . Again , the last fifteen minutes of the movie were good , but leading up to that it felt extremely slow . Maybe it would have helped if I had seen the original . Maybe not . It had pretty cinematography , and the costumes and sets were pretty amazing . And maybe it 's a testament to my adult ADD that I have trouble sitting through a movie anymore , but this one was just not for me . I was still holding out hope for liking it until they shot a horse . Can 't handle it ! Tags : alabama , chimney rock , east alabama , fireworks , fourth of july , independence day , lake lure , lake martin , north carolina , party Yes , even though I post misanthropic things about government and politics at times , I still celebrate the Fourth of July . Well , sort of . I mean , I go to celebrations , and I enjoy them . I don 't feel particularly patriotic about it , and never have , with the exception of July 4 , 2002 , when everyone was still feeling patriotic on a daily basis after the events of 9 / 11 / 01 . I bought a Boston Pops CD then , and the music made me cry . It was a good release . I still have it on my iPod , and I listen to it every Fourth of July , but it hasn 't stirred the same emotion since then . This year was my first Fourth of July in Alabama . One of my friends ' coworkers invited us out to her house at Lake Martin for a get - together involving grilled meats , tossed footballs in the driveway , and jubilant children passing out tiny flags for waving . As it turned out , the husband of said coworker has family and roots in North Carolina , although they came here via Michigan most recently . We had a great time talking about differences in barbecue and between the Deep South and the " regular " South . How people are mistaken when they call a cookout a " barbecue , " how we both get challenged on whether North Carolina is even " the South " on a regular basis . ( Seriously , have you people never heard of the Mason - Dixon Line ? Can you not hear the way I speak ? ) There were some other coworkers of theirs present with their families and some neighbors from the street passing in and out . I am a big fan of being near any body of water , no matter how large or small . So , I was very excited when we decided to caravan from their house on a small peninsula down to the neighborhood docks . What a beautiful spot of Earth ! We sat out over the water , drinking beers , watching the sunset , craning our necks up at amateur fireworks being set off all around us , and watching kids and dogs swim merrily in the lake nearby . It was breezy and balmy and felt amazing . I can totally see why people dig living out there in the heat of an Alabama summer . Lake Martin is about 40 minutes from where we live in Auburn , mostly two - lane back roads with nary a house in sight . It always sort of amazes me at how rural everything is here as soon as we get out of the city limits , particularly going west . I don 't feel like I live in the middle of nowhere , but it only takes driving for fifteen minutes to discover that in fact , I do . According to my research , Lake Martin is actually a lot bigger than I thought it was when I was there . It 's about 40 , 000 acres and is actually one of the largest artificial lakes in the United States . I 'm guessing I thought it was smaller because of the way it 's shaped , dipping in and out of many small peninsulas . I kept thinking I was looking across to the other side of the lake , but I think I was just looking across to other peninsulas . In a way , it reminded me of Lake Lure , which I grew up near in North Carolina , but without the mountains . Only Lake Lure is about 800 acres . Okay , so really not at all the same except they 're both lakes with houses and boats and docks . Very interestingly , both Lake Lure and Lake Martin feature a rock formation called " Chimney Rock . " Here 's where I get to brag about mine . Alabama 's Chimney Rock is about 60 feet tall , and people jump off it into the water . Which sounds really frickin ' fun . But our Chimney Rock , in North Carolina , is 315 feet , and sits at a mountain - top elevation of 2 , 280 feet . You do not jump off that . You stand at the top and survey your 75 - mile panoramic view . And yes , while a couple people have died jumping off Alabama 's Chimney Rock over the years , and it 's always possible because shit happens , I guarantee you if you jump off our Chimney Rock in North Carolina , you will absolutely die . No two ways about it . Incidentally , I think the North Carolina one looks a lot more like a chimney than Alabama 's . Although for years I 've thought it looked more like a penis than anything else . Juuuuuuust sayin ' !
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The winter after our father and Kenny died , my sister decided she was going to be the Cherry Blossom Queen of Japantown . Every April since we were little , our parents would wake us at dawn on parade day . We would dress up as if we were going to temple - Judith and I in jewel tones and velvet and maybe even bracelets , and Kenny in plastic samurai gear . On the last parade day , we pre - packed a rolling cooler full of soda and Spam sandwiches , but we wouldn 't eat breakfast . We would be too excited to eat , and Kenny would tell stories about what he dreamt was going to happen - a giant mochi ball tumbling down Post Street , a wayward float - or what he believed really would happen . My mother would bring too many spare jackets and vow no green tea ice cream until after noon . She never kept that vow . We parked the car high on Fillmore , and little Kenny rolled the cooler up and down the cement hills ahead of us . Judith complained about walking so far in her low heels and I , the middle of the three , stayed back with our parents . My mother walked slowly , saying , " In Japan , there is no rush . " Judith would spit back , " Right , Tokyo , so slow . " When I was very little , my father would hold my hand for however long I wanted , because sometimes I would cry at the steepness of the hills . Kenny , ahead , disappeared in and out of the thick fog . April , the beginning of the cold spring mornings . We only knew where he was by the scraping sound of the cooler wheels on the sidewalk . It seemed like the Cherry Blossom Festival took over the whole city , but really it was all the Japanese people in San Francisco crammed into a few measly blocks . The parade was , without fail , thrilling . There was a parade chairman - a rich businessman in Japantown - and a celebrity guest , always an actor my father would insist was " big in Japan . " He would make air quotes with his fingers and laugh , even though none of us ever did . Kenny posed for pictures with the chairman and the scary dragon while my mother looked on from the curb , proud . Proud was my mother 's best and most common mode . Judith and I picked the eel out of our sushi and waited for the float carrying the Queen and her court . When they passed , we waved back at their silk - gloved hands and took note of the way they twisted their shiny black hair into knots that we could later try , when we could wash the smoke from the teriyaki stands out of our hair . And then the Taiko Dojo , thrumming through the afternoon , Kenny imitating their stance and their yells , and air - drumming along with them . But what I remember the most is the walk from the car to the parade site . Pretty Judith just learning to sashay , my mother 's narrow stride , Kenny in his hachimaki headband , leaving in the fog , returning into sight , and again , leaving , returning . We were slow , walking our own parade in the early morning fog , chilled to the bone , magical thinking our way to warmth . Kenny and Dad died around Halloween and in December it rained for 19 straight days , some kind of terrible record . We didn 't get a Christmas tree , partly because we were going to the Kagayashis ' for Christmas , and partly because without our father to cut one down at the tree farm in Marin and load it in the truck , we didn 't know how to get one . The Kagayashis said nothing to us about Kenny or our father , not wanting to be impolite hosts . My mother drank one half glass of pink wine , the ham was dry and tough , and we went home early . The three of us watched a reality show on low volume in the dark , so that our mother might fall asleep on the couch . The show was about competing Boy Scout and Girl Scout troops , seeing which could survive on an island longer . Judith stretched her long legs out on the coffee table . She was the tallest in our family , even before Kenny and our father died . My mother , not yet asleep , sat up . I muted the television . Even in the dark , I could sense the flush in my mother 's cheeks . " But they come with scholarships , " I said . Judith 's frankness , her confidence , seemed like the first forward action we 'd made since the funeral in November . Even then , all the decisions were laid out before us . At the funeral home , six different urns to choose from . At the temple , three possible Amida chants for the service . The one unique decision , where to spread the ashes , was mystifying . Every day we stared at the ugly copper urns above the television , one big , one small , both homeless . " Oh really ? " my mother said . " And are you going back to university ? I thought you were going to junior college in the fall . I thought chemistry lab was too hard for you . " My mother got up and went to the kitchen , where she scavenged some leftover rice , poured soy sauce and pickled daikon all over it , and sat at the table while she silently spooned it into her mouth . She never cooked anymore . She rarely did much of anything around the house . We always ate leftovers from the store and once , when the floors and window blinds were gray with dirt , I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed them . Judith and I went to our bedroom where Judith flung open the closet doors . Though we shared a closet , she filled it mostly with her own dresses , allotting a space in the corner for my school uniforms and sneakers . She said that since she was four years older , she needed more space for her grown - up clothes and I agreed . My father had told me my kindness was my virtue , as if he was trying to turn something ugly into something pretty . He 'd put his hands on my shoulders when he said it , after I had rubbed Kenny 's back on the street when he threw up too much yakatori one afternoon . " I 'll coach you , " I said , moving closer to her , adjusting her shoulders , yanking her straps up . It was the perfect job for me . I was an A student and " whip - smart " ( said my teachers ) , but never jealous . Judith fell quietly asleep among her colorful clothes sometime after midnight , and I wandered into the living room to say goodnight to my mother . She was asleep on the couch , still in her stockings and Christmas dress . A bowl of half - eaten rice was on the coffee table , and the muted television flickered its lights on the urns above . The station had long stopped playing the survival show , so I switched off the television and lay myself down on a blanket on the floor , all of us finally adrift in our different foggy darknesses . She did . She was bright and porcelain - skinned , with long , shiny black hair and big eyes , for a Japanese girl . She had small , pointed features and a tendency to tilt her chin up when she knew people were looking at her . It was mid - January and still rainy , the icy dampness of the afternoon air seeping through our jackets . It was beginning to rain again , so we scrambled toward the mall to steal umbrellas from the umbrella stand at the fast food sushi place . When we got home our hair was wet and we were giddy . We closed ourselves in our room and Judith began to flip through magazines for ideas . I sat at my desk and arranged my things : notepads and pens , paper clips and Post - Its . I took out the pocket calendar from the desk drawer . It had been two months and three days since the accident . Waking up a few days after the coldest Halloween on record , seeing the news reports of a snow dusting on top of Mount Tamalpais , watching Kenny get suited up in warm clothes and my father fashioning a sled out of a cookie tray and Pam spray . Judith was banished to her room to study for midterms and I was sick , so we stayed home . " We have to hurry ! " Kenny had said . " I don 't want them to dust all the snow away before I get there . " And then the unknowns : a slick road , a bad driver , two bad drivers , more snow , everything in a rush . They climbed up the mountain in my dad 's old Nissan , and before they even got there , the highway patrol was digging the car out of a grove 40 feet down a cliff face , to the summit . And here it was , the middle of January , and something new was happening . Something my father wouldn 't know about , or Kenny either . The mean stretch of calendar days between then and now hollowed out my chest and stole my breath . Everything was getting farther apart . " You okay , Mary Beth ? " Judith asked , looking up from her face mirror where she was applying makeup . I felt bad for her then , always striving to be pretty , completely unable to understand what these calendar days had done to me . I steeled myself . Our father had expectations of us once . Six years ago , on parade day , the Queen gingerly stepped off her float to come shake our hands . Hers was not warm or cold , not damp or powdery , but a perfect hand , guiding our own into a shake that seemed like a secret pact . After she left , our father turned to us and said , " Someday that could be you , Judith . And Mary Beth , someday you will run this whole thing . " That neither of us took what he said as an insult was not a testament to our character , but to our father 's . He knew our desires as if they were his own . This pageant , I thought , was a way to fulfill his desires . Ours , too . To remake ourselves , and to make our family proud . When our mother was at work , running the grocery with our uncle , I helped Judith practice her baton - twirling , which was her unique talent . Sometimes we practiced in the backyard , but if Judith got carried away , she would throw a glittered baton straight into Mrs . Yanaguchi 's clothesline and tear it down , causing Mrs . Yanaguchi 's chihuahua to bark its head off until we threw pieces of cold cuts up to her balcony . So mostly we practiced out front on the street . I used the cars that occasionally crossed 20th street and the rumbling of the MUNI train on Judah as training tactics . The phone rang and Judith looked at me urgently . We did not answer the phone during dinner , my father 's rule . Sometimes when it rang , Kenny would yell sentences over the ringing to make our father 's point . " We watched Star Wars today at school ! " he would yell . And then louder , over the continued rings , " IT WAS SO AMAZING ! " Judith answered it and as she disappeared into the hallway with the telephone , my mother stared at me and I lowered my head . When Judith reappeared , her face was flushed and her mouth was pinched into a pleased smile . She took her seat again and , with a flourish , spread her napkin on her lap . Judith fumbled . " I - Mary Beth was helping me prepare - we were just applying to see , and I got it , Mom , I got it . They said I was well - spoken and seemed so upbeat and positive , which is what they 're looking for in role models . They liked my unusual educational background and my goals . " " I wasn 't born here , but I am not stupid , Mary Beth , " my mother said . She narrowed her heavy eyes . " I live in this house and see things , too . I 'm too busy thinking all the time , while you two throw glitter sticks across the street . You two act like nothing bad happens . Like children don 't get run over by those Koreans racing their cars on Saturday nights . Everything is dangerous ! And here you are , special . So you are special . Go compete , smile , and dress up . Have your fun . I won 't be a part of it . " Our mother finished her entire bowl of stew without speaking . I picked at my food , but ate nothing , and when my mother got up to go to her bedroom , she left the bowls and everything for me to clean up . I washed them and the crusted pot it was all cooked in , and then I quietly righted the urn , which was now a little less full of ashes . I swept up the tablespoons of my brother spread out on top of the TV stand into my palm and poured what I could back in the urn . A chalky , white sheen coated my hands and I washed them under the water , scrubbing until my skin was raw but clean . My mother slept through two days of work at the grocery store . She sank into the flat cushions of our yellow couch and slept with her hands folded across her middle , as if she were in a coffin . I tried to wake her the first morning , but when she opened her eyes , she gave me a look so stern that I didn 't dare touch her again . The next day she woke in the afternoon , in her rumpled floral dress , and was banging around the kitchen when Judith and I got home from school . We quietly slipped out the back door to practice . It was March , and the weather was crisp and sunny , altogether promising . We practiced in the backyard and could see , on the other side of the window , our mother angrily cooking . Once , our father spoke to us plainly about our mother . It was a few years earlier , all of us young enough to be considered children , and he was walking Judith and Kenny and I to a candy shop a few streets down . On the way there it was my job to hold Kenny 's hand , so he wouldn 't fling himself into the intersection . " Okay , " our father said , pumping his fists as he walked . " I 'll tell you about your mother . You should know that she is a tough lady . " This is what he told us . She grew up in a fishing village outside of Nagoya and emigrated to San Francisco when she was eight . There , her mother sewed dresses in North Beach and her father ran a grocery and fish shop in Japantown . Her parents were devout Buddhists and worked 12 - hour days but they both died young - sickly , one after the other - and my teenaged mother , not given to the conspicuous wanderings of grief , quickly married a boy from the neighborhood . He died , too , though , in an accident at a factory in Benicia . Then my father came into the picture , sweeping my mother off her sad feet . He was second generation , had been a small baby in an internment camp in Arizona . My mother knew Japanese and my father understood it , but after the war , neither was encouraged to speak it . " And that was really kind of how the generations drifted , " my father said wistfully . " Never mind . What I mean is , we should tell each other the bad things , when we can . You know ? " I didn 't know , not really . What I did know was that when my white friends at school asked me why I didn 't speak Japanese , I shrugged . The only words we knew were the ones Kenny shouted during taiko practice , and though they sounded important , we didn 't know what they meant . It was strange to feel so close to something , so identified by it , and not to be able to talk about it . " Like this ? " Kenny said , and jumped in the air , kicking one leg out in a pose he 'd learned in karate . " I 'll be able to do that when I 'm older ? " Judith fought back a snide remark and our father pretended to consider it . " Kind of , " he said . " But more I mean the way you are with people . Don 't forget where she came from . " He was quiet for a minute , looking like he didn 't know where he came from . Then he dropped the subject , and we filled our bags with candy . My mother only spoke Japanese when she was on the phone , talking to family in Japan I 'd never met . I always imagined she was saying all the secret things we would one day know , that she would lay the translations out for us like a bridge to walk over when we were ready . I could not imagine what would be on the other side . But she never talked to us in Japanese , and we never asked her to . And now here she was , so crunched up inside herself . How were we ever supposed to get to her now , when we couldn 't even speak English to each other ? The pageant was held in an auditorium two days before the parade , and there was a traditional Japanese dance requirement for the competition . It was a bon odori dance that all seven girls had to do together to open the event . But each girl had to provide her own kimono and dresser . Our mother held our kimonos wrapped in silk and tied in boxes on top of her closet . She knew how to dress us , but we couldn 't yet dress ourselves . Dressing was a complex process of ties and layers , and it had to be taught and practiced over and over again . Our mother had decided to treat this venture as a silent disgrace . We could take the kimonos from her closet while she was gone , but we had to convince Mrs . Yanaguchi upstairs to dress Judith before the pageant . I tried to hide my disappointment when my mother refused to dress her . Mrs . Yanaguchi 's place was musty and smelled like dog and mothballs , and her fingers were knobby and dry . When we knocked on her door with Judith 's kimonos in hand , she marveled at their craftsmanship - " shipped in from Tokyo , " Judith said , proudly , as if she had ordered them herself - and then told her to strip down to her underwear . She placed a hand on her knee , as if indicating tenderness , but in the meantime , she was pulling Judith all over the place , bringing her nose close to Judith 's chest and tying knot after knot . We were used to our mother dressing us , the process took nearly an hour , the knots , the layers and layers of slips , the ties , the filmy undergarments we had to wear though we would have rather worn our own bras . When it finally came time for the obi , Mrs . Yanaguchi instructed Judith to breathe in deeply , and when her chest raised , Mrs . Yanaguchi secured it the back . " Now don 't breathe out , " she said and laughed , showing her yellow teeth . At this the little dog barked . " After this , I have your favorite : inari sushi for you . " But couldn 't she tell , we were doing something incredible . I wanted to say it , but I didn 't . No one seemed to recognize what it was that we were trying to accomplish . We were going to do something completely separate from the accident . We weren 't going to be the sad sisters anymore . We were going to do our family proud . The competition was not as glamorously done up as I 'd imagined it would be . The auditorium on Post Street was dated and stuffy , and though the stage was lit up and the audience dark , I could see who was out there : bored families , sick children , all crunching damp programs in their hands . Our mother was not out there , and we didn 't expect her to be . We 'd left her reading a Japanese - language newspaper in the living room . She barely looked up at us as Judith shuffled tiny steps out the door in her kimono . I wasn 't sure what she was asking my opinion about . " I think you 're going to rock it . Your kimono is drop - dead . " She was wearing a teal kimono with bright red and orange hummingbirds splashed across the bias . My father had given it to her for her 16th birthday . Her hair was drawn up into a big bun on the top of her head , and I had whitened her face with powder , and pinkened her lips to perfection . She flexed her toes in her tabi socks and looked out through the curtains at the blank stage . I placed my hand on her sleek back . And for most of it , she was . The other girls wore pleasant but blank expressions - but Judith was engaged , happy , if not ecstatic . She bowed her head and looked up to smile and wink , and the audience ate it up . Judith slipped into a spandex costume with a gauzy skirt and warmed up her hands for the baton routine . The girl before her was finishing up an aria from Madame Butterfly . Judith and I giggled over the choice of song and I said , " I told you everyone was going to sing . " The girl trilled her last note , which I thought sounded more like a scream than anything else , and then Judith flounced out there . When the first note to the classical march began and Judith beamed as she tossed the baton into the air , I knew it would be magic . Her vertical 8s were perfect , so fast it looked like she had extra fluid arms . Her limbs were extended and her neck merely a support for the leap and heft of her arms and hands . The baton flew away from her , so high up it seemed it would never come back down , and then it did , springing back into the mold of her hand . I watched the judges watching her , transfixed . Yes , maybe it was just baton twirling . But Judith 's belief was a force to be reckoned with . Judith changed into a dress she had worn to prom and heels higher than any of the other girls had . She paced in the dressing room , silent until her name was called . I knew this was the portion of the pageant she was most worried about , and she let out a little moan when her name was called over the speaker . I followed her down the corridor to the backstage area , and squeezed her hand once until the pageant organizer tugged at her and hissed , " Now ! Now ! " My belief was strong that day , but even I was dismayed at this . I knew , before Judith answered , that this would be her demise . We had prepared Judith to talk extravagantly about many things she did not enjoy - school , work , community service , humanitarian issues - but she could not lie about family . Especially not now . I dug my fingernails into my hand and punished myself for not having had her practice this . There was nothing to say . She balled up her kimono and stuffed it in her bag , and I knew our mother would be furious at those wrinkles . We stood behind a screen set up in the dressing room for privacy , which was not private at all , and I tried to touch up her makeup while she dabbed at the corners of her eyes and mouth and gulped back sobs . She had to make one final appearance on stage , where they called her name as second runner - up Princess , and gave the Queen 's crown to a wide - faced girl named Sally Maneda from the South Bay , whose only aspiration was to be in the tech business in Silicon Valley , just like her daddy , she had said . For her talent , she had solved a Rubik 's Cube in 30 seconds to the tune of " Mustang Sally . " On the train ride home , I tried not to look at Judith . I sat next to the window as we slipped into the hills of Japantown , into the thick eucalyptus of the park , and then into our gray neighborhood , street after street , but all I saw in the window was our reflection , dipping in and out of the light . My despondent sister , gripping the handrail with her pink nails , casting her puffy eyes downward , steadying herself against the ebbs and jerks of the train . And then me , lit then not lit , also looking away from the colorless expanse before us . " It wasn 't our year , " Judith said . We were in the living room and I was painting her eyes dramatically on parade day , because she wanted to be pretty from far away . Judith had decided that the queenly thing to do would be to hold her head high and not act like a sore loser . I wasn 't sure I agreed , but it wasn 't my decision . " Hmm , " was all I said . Not even first princess . In the week or so since the pageant , I 'd been completely destroyed . She , on the other hand , had bounced back with the kind of grace that was supposed to have made her Cherry Blossom Queen . We passed the time in silence - no more baton practice - and then it was April and then it was parade day . The days were flying by , and I became even sadder at that . Her eyes fluttered under my brush and we were quiet for a while . She sighed . With the steady hands of a doctor , I painted the liquid eyeliner on her , drawing the line out at the crease . " And this , " I said . " will make you look mysterious . " I shushed her because our mother was asleep in the next room . The chihuahua started yapping upstairs . Judith looked up and wiped the wetness from the corners of her eyes . She tried to catch her breath . We were already running late . " It 's okay , " she said , her tone softening . She turned from the mirror and looked at me . " I 'm not embarrassed . So what , I messed up the interview part . You would have done good at that , but I 'm not as smart as you . It 's fine . That 's the way it is . " We snuck out of the house and walked nearly a mile from the train to the parade 's starting point . Spring always came to San Francisco with a cold bite , but this year the early warmth bloomed the cherry trees on time , and the wind off the bay was already blowing blossoms into everybody 's soup and hair . As I guided Judith to the meeting place , I thought about the year before and how Kenny had pointed to the white blossoms on people 's shoulders and laughed , " Dandruff ! " He had been at the age when dandruff was hilarious . It wasn 't even 11 AM but the sidewalks lining the parade were bustling . At the parade beginning , the Queen and Court 's float stood like a shiny ocean liner . It was white with flecks of red , layered like a cake with tiers for the queen and her court to sit on . A woman walked around with spare satin gloves , in case the contestants had forgotten to bring their own . Some mothers were crying and their daughters slapped away their over - attentive hands . I suddenly wanted to cry , too , and then I was , sputtering uncontrollably , like a baby , like a loser . Judith turned to me . " Oh God , " she said and touched my arm with a satin gloved hand . " What 's wrong ? Mary Beth , it 's okay . Stop , it 's all right . I still got princess . " I really couldn 't . It was coming out of me like some natural water source , like some dam that had been lifted . I wanted her to cry too . I looked at her face and willed it : Cry with me cry with me cry with me . But she wouldn 't . Her beautiful face was sympathetic , but was as different from mine as it had ever been . Judith snorted . " No , he didn 't . You remember wrong . He only said I could be up on that float . And look , I am ! " " No , I 'm right . You always like to remember things as if they 'd been perfect . But they weren 't . Dad wasn 't a god who predicted our destinies . Kenny was an annoying little brat sometimes . And whatever , Mary Beth . So what . I didn 't win . Guess what ? I 'm over it . We did really well . We did the best we could . I 'm okay with it . You act like you failed some big midterm or something . " I stopped sputtering . I wanted to feel sorry for her , but I couldn 't . She was completely fine with what she had won . Maybe she had always been fine with second place , because she had always been second place to me in school , and she didn 't waste away crying like our mother , and she hadn 't placed all her hopes for our family in this pageant like I had . She 'd just wanted to see if she could be pretty enough to win . She leaned forward and hugged me , something we 'd rarely done recently . Now that she was older and I was older , and we had no dad or brother , and our mother went crazy and silent , and we were the grieving sisters , it was like we couldn 't hug - it was all too fragile . But she was hugging me , and it was like the Queen of Japantown herself was hugging me , all sequins and smooth fabric and hairspray and perfume . We had failed and here she was , giving me her win . Whatever she had won , she was giving it to me . She held up her tiny hand mirror for me to look into . " You 'll stop . You 'll meet me at the end and you 'll put some cold soda cans on your eyes , and you 'll look fine . " The satin glove woman was now herding the girls onto the float . I took a step back and sniffed back some tears . I lifted up my right arm , elbow bent at 90 degrees , and started the smooth wave we 'd practiced since we were little girls Kenny 's age . After the parade began , I fought my way through the crowd for blocks until there was a space I could sit on the curb and dry my face . I had never been to the parade alone before - it wasn 't something you did , go to a festival all alone . I drew my knees up to my chest and looked around . Around me were families who had set up lawn chairs and parasols , and had opened up their coolers to extract their own homemade sushi . There were mothers guiding noodles into their babies ' mouths with chopsticks and my mouth watered . Floats and dance teams and a great big dragon passed us by . During a pause in a youth jazz band performance , I saw my mother across the street , standing in the sun like nothing in the world was wrong . I could see that she was holding in her hand a paper bag heavy with something . I caught her eye and waved my princess wave , and she saw me and nodded back . She held up the bag and through the plastic I could see trays of sushi , a whole family 's worth . I wasn 't surprised to see her there - the parade was in her blood . I was only surprised when she motioned for me to cross the parade and come to her . I tried finding an empty space to run across , but there were too many dancers in my way , so I had to walk further down . She followed , each of us walking parallel on separate sides of the parade , waiting for an opening in the crowd or a bridge or something for me to get across . The parade looked like it would never end . I spotted Judith 's float a ways behind us , inching forward . Beside us was the Young Boy 's San Francisco Taiko Dojo , ready to perform , and after them , another dragon . The Taiko drummers all took a step back and squatted , lifting their arms , readying themselves for their first attack . Since they were small boys , their drums were small , but their sound was hefty and fierce . They struck slowly at first , to time their movements , and let out faint coordinated yells . That slowness had been hard for Kenny . The boys ' faces were all screwed up in concentration , like tea kettles about to whistle . The Taiko team was getting to the fast part . They started to yell , as much as their little boy voices could . Each " Hai ! " and " Don ! " was followed by a quick booming of their sticks . Then faster , and more yelling , and I thought what Kenny 's yelling might have been like had he made it that far - on top of that mountain in the snow , parka 'd arms outstretched as he glided down the fragile layer on his sled , my father giving him a push off each time , until it melted all that was left was a path of soaking grass darkened into the pressed dirt . Then , in this perfect version , they would have shaken off the snow - " dandruff , " Kenny would have said - and driven back home , where everyone would have grown up , Dad would have retired , Kenny would have run the store - though by then he would have wanted to have been called Kenneth , and we would have called him that . But it didn 't work out that way . The wind picked up and some pale blossoms fell , like broken - apart ghosts , into everyone 's hair . It was hard to keep track of my mother through all of it . We reached the dragon , red and yellow and black , swirling its papier mache face with bared teeth and crazy eyes . If I waited for the dragon to pass , there would be a gap in the parade and I 'd be able to sneak across . But the dragon was milking it , shoving its face into groups of children that scrambled to get close and then screamed . On the other side of the parade , the man under the dragon 's head lifted it up and smiled to show the children that there was nothing to be afraid of . Everyone cheered it on . Beneath its body were the legs of the men that moved it , shuffling around in semi - blindness , which we all pretended not to see . The dragon curled through the crowd , and between its bright dips and bursts , I could catch glimpses of my mother on the sidewalk across the street . She was standing plain as day and had begun to eat the sushi by herself . Somewhere back there my sister had probably already taken off her gloves , and was probably looking past the queen to the gusty rain of cherry blossoms above us . I stood and waited for it to pass . Soon , the man under the dragon 's head would lift it up and show himself to me , smile , and explain away the terrible mystery .
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This afternoon I had another meeting at the library with the caseworker from the regional center to sign a few papers that she forgot to bring the other day . Ms . D and Mr . I went with me and waited in another part of the library . Since the woman was late because of rainy day traffic , and talked longer than I expected , the meeting went longer than I had told the kids . But it worked out beautifully . The woman expressed some things before that were a bit annoying . She keeps pushing public school for Ms . D , which I don 't feel would be a good idea for her . The statistics for teen pregnancy , school problems , drug use , and crime for people with FAS are too scary , and I feel it would be better to err on the side of over - protection rather than giving her freedom to make bad mistakes . I tended to give my older teens a lot of freedom when they were Ms . D 's age , but I don 't think she has the reasoning ability nor the impulse control that would keep her from harm . To top it off , Ms . D is beautiful , and boys are attracted to her . A public high school would not be a safe place . I 'll eventually give her more freedom , but she 's not there yet . I also can tailor Ms . D 's education in an environment that is free from shame . She doesn 't have to be in a special class , and none of her peers needs to know her reading level or math course . And I don 't have to deal with tears at the end of most days , like we did when she was in school . The caseworker also didn 't think Ms . D had FAS , even though I told her that the facial features fade after puberty . Someday I might send them a picture of Ms . D when she was six or seven , when the facial features were more pronounced . I also might send them documentation about how the facial features change with age . Ms . D was diagnosed by her medical doctor and the birth mother 's alcohol consumption was confirmed . I really get upset when people look at Ms . D now and think I 'm mistaken about fetal alcohol exposure . I wish it wasn 't true , but it is , and we live with the effects every day . Another annoying thing the case worker does is say that Ms . D isn 't like her normal clients and doesn 't really need the services . She was surprised that the psychologist accepted Ms . D and thinks that she just has a learning disability . But her attitude changed today at the library . Partway through the meeting , Mr . I came up to me and said that he couldn 't find Ms . D . He acted really worried . I told him , in front of the case worker , that Ms . D probably just went to the restroom and I asked him to keep looking for her . The case worker asked me if Ms . D could have been outside , but I told her " No , she doesn 't like the rain . She probably just went to the restroom like she did at the psychologist 's office a couple of weeks ago . We went all over the building trying to look for her . " The caseworker asked me about if Ms . D tells us when she needs to go somewhere , and I had to tell her no . She wrote " wandering " on her notes . I didn 't tell the caseworker that , like many people with FASD , Ms . D needs to learn rules for each new situation . Ms . D now knows to ask to go to the restroom at the psychologist 's office , but I didn 't tell her to do that at the library . I 'll do that then next time we go . But what was nice about this whole situation , the caseworker stopped making comments about how well functioning Ms . D was and seemed more enthusiastic about her being accepted to the regional center . I know that Ms . D will most likely need some kind of support as an adult , yet she presented too high functioning to the caseworker to get the services she will need . The actions of the kids at the library helped the caseworker to see that I 'm not over exaggerating the need . I couldn 't have orchestrated it better . Posted by We 've had quite a bit of rain lately , and more is on the way . I don 't know how I survived Oregon . My mood matches the sky . In addition to the rain , I 've had quite a bit of irritations . Fortunately there 's been nothing big at our house . But sometimes the drip , drip , drip of little problem after little problem is more tiring than the larger events . We 've had a cold go through the house . Drip . The kids have been on edge because of illness and the holidays . Drip . I 've had pink eye the past few days . Drip . A cold sore . Drip . A backache . Drip . Discouragement from the regional center woman . Drip . Car problems . Drip . Computer problems . Drip . Drip . Drip . . . . Haven 't we all had a few days like that from time to time ? Fortunately , I know that days like this are only for a season . There will be sunshine , if not tomorrow , then next week . This is not the time to make important decisions , start arguments , or dwell on the negatives . This is the time to keep busy , give others grace , and look up silly things on the internet and laugh until you cry . Or watch old slapstick movies . Or dance to some music . Or take a walk in the rain . Or bake cookies and try the new bag of dark and mint chips . This is the time to do whatever it takes to get through it . This dreary time will pass . Posted by Today , I felt a bit deflated after a couple of things happened . The first one was when I saw a quote that one of my friends posted about high earners intend to be well compensated because they feel they are worth it . I haven 't made minimum wage in the nearly thirty years of raising my children or taking care of others . And that doesn 't mean I 've made more than minimum wage . For the most part , people in our society get paid according to the value that others in our society give for the work provided . Of course , I don 't expect to be paid for raising my own children or cleaning my own house , but there have been a few times lately when I wasn 't nearly compensated enough monetarily for the work I did for others . One neighbor balked when I asked a little over four dollars an hour to drop off and pick her daughter up from school , tutor her , and care for her . It hurt when that same neighbor paid nearly three times that amount to my daughter to tutor , even though I was glad she earned what she deserved . Around that time another neighbor asked me to take care of his preschool daughter for about four dollars an hour , but ended up paying me half that amount . I took the jobs because Hubby had been out of work earlier that year and we really needed the money . Now I wonder if I should have done that , because even after two or three years , I still feel like I 'm not worth it to be well compensated . Today I met with a woman from the regional center to sign Ms . D up and discuss services that are available to her . The woman forgot the sign up sheets , so she spent most of the hour and a half meeting not only talking about services , but talked about how she thinks I 'm not able to prepare Ms . D for life if I continue to homeschool her . By the end of the meeting , I was wavering on my decision . It didn 't matter that the school district didn 't help us before , that budget cuts have affected the schools , that Ms . D learns better in a quiet , one on one setting , or that statistically she is more likely to get pregnant as a teen because of the FASD and needs more protection . The woman talked of all the good things Ms . D could learn , that she 's not being exposed to enough different people , and that I couldn 't possibly prepare her for a job because we don 't have a cash register in our house . The regional center likes to work with kids that have gone through the public school system and they have no idea how to work with someone who hasn 't . Fortunately , when I got home , I asked Ms . D what she would like to do and she said she 'd like to continue homeschooling . That kind of brought me to my senses . After all , I am going through a PSP , or private satellite program , that specializes in teaching special needs children and teens . If I don 't understand what needs to be taught , then they can help me . And when Ms . D is college age , she can go to a community college program for special needs . She doesn 't have to learn how to run a cash register before she 's eighteen ! While talking with the regional center woman , I was feeling really inadequate . What did I know about teaching special needs ? I don 't have a degree . Why do I think Ms . D has FAS ? They don 't see it . They don 't believe me when I tell them the facial features of FAS fade after puberty . What do I know about what Ms . D needs ? I 'm just a parent , a parent that makes crazy decisions like homeschooling , who shelters her children too much , and who is asking them to do more for Ms . D than they think she needs . The regional center woman didn 't seem to value what I 've done for Ms . D , so who am I to value my own work ? Another thing I can 't do is to base my value on the outcome of my work . Yes , I 've more or less successfully raised four children to adulthood . Sometimes I think they are doing better than expected , given the mistakes I 've made . Yet , I don 't know how the youngest two will turn out . I 'm putting a lot more work into raising them , but they don 't behave as well as the older ones did at their age . Of course , my youngest two have a more difficult background . But I still look at their actions and feel badly about how well I 've raised them . It 's dangerous to base my value on the actions of others . But that is what I do when I feel bad about myself when people pay me so little . That is what I do when I second guess my decisions or feel inadequate because of what a " professional " assumes . It is what I do when I look at the behaviors of my kids and feel I haven 't done enough , or have made too many mistakes . So where do I get my value ? My value can 't come from what others do for me or say about me . It can 't really come from within myself , since I 'm broken and don 't always see things the way I should . My value can only come from the One who made me , who has called me to be a mother , and who loves me . I am doing what I was made to do , to the best of my ability . And a lack of material compensation , accolades , or results should not lessen my calling or my value . My reward is not here and now , but when I look on His face at the end . And I hope then He will say , " Well done . " This evening , as Mr . I and I were going to get groceries , we saw a beautiful sunset . Mr . I said the pink clouds looked like cotton candy . He then snapped a picture . I was too amazed to take one myself . For the most part , my youngest are happier inside a mall than outside in nature . They usually complain when we drag them to the beach or woods . It 's one of the areas that we have a disconnect . Each of my children enjoy different kinds of music , food , and dress differently , but my birth children have some similarities . They even like to go camping , which the youngest two can 't stand ! Our two adopted children are a part of our family , but there are big differences in their tastes , likes , and dislikes . I don 't know how much is inside them and how much comes from their time before they came to our home or since they 've been in contact with the birth family . But these areas are there . I love to see the beautiful colors of a sunset , and often point them out to others around me . It 's always been a bit disappointing to me that the youngest kids tend to act unimpressed . But tonight was different . Mr . I enjoyed a part of nature as much as I did . He saw beauty in what I call " God 's painting . " We were able to connect while finding beauty in a sunset . 1 . I grew up in the Midwest where the land is pretty flat and have always been a bit afraid of heights . I used to get heart palpitations from just driving down a mountain road , thinking the car would surely fall headfirst down the slope . Until recently I 'd shake at the top of a ladder . Today I walked across the roof with no fear . 2 . I was not wearing good roof climbing clothes . I thought about changing into jeans and running shoes , but I didn 't want to take time to change from my skirt and boots . The sun was setting and I wanted to get the highest lights up today while it was dry . My Honduran friend reminded me that lots of women there wear similar clothes while working hard , but I think my neighbors would think me a bit odd . Well , they probably already do , but I think they like me anyway . 3 . I didn 't really have to do it . I could have asked two of my kids to help me on the roof instead of me . They were pretty disappointed I didn 't wait for them . Mr . I was at a friend 's house , which was probably good because he has a cold . I don 't think I would have trusted his balance today . It was better that I did it without him . Blackbelt Daughter loves to go on the roof . She used to go up there when the youngest kids were small , since that was the only place they wouldn 't follow after her . Poor girl ! In order to have peace , she was forced to the roof ! Microbio Daughter did help me after she came home from work . That was pretty nice because by that time it was getting dark and we got the lights up quicker with her help . Going on the roof was a lot easier for me this year . Like many fears , the more a person conquers a fear of heights , the easier it gets . I try to remember this when I feel anxious about something . My first response is a powerful fight or flight feeling . But if I can stick to it and make it through the first minute or so , the next time usually goes a little better . I have to remember this with the kids . Some things are very frightening to them , and for good reason . They have seen and experienced too much and imagine the worst . Today , in our Bible study , we learned about how God told Joshua so many times to be bold and courageous . I hope I can teach them to overcome some of their fears so that they can be more independent and grow . I hope I can teach others to take chances , try to do awesome things that used to cause them fear , and to make a difference in this world . Sometimes practicing overcoming the little things , like climbing a ladder or going on a roof , helps me to take bigger chances , like fighting to get services for Ms . D . It isn 't easy to step out of my comfort zone , but the rewards are awesome ! I 'm so proud of Ms . D ! She went to visit Birth Dad last night and she told him that she didn 't like that he let her down last week . Hubby said she told Birth Dad her feelings in a good way . This is a big step for her . Normally she holds her disappointments , hurts , and fears in and puts up walls around her . It comes out in other ways that are not healthy . When she was little , she acted fearful when we asked her to sit down and talk . She 'd scratch her neck and cheek or pull her hair if something bothered her . As she grew , it would take months before she trusted people with even a little information , and even then she 'd hold her biggest feelings inside . We feel the pseudo seizures happen because she holds in stress . All last week she slept too much , ate too little , was grumpy , and didn 't give Brewster much attention at all . I knew she was upset , but she wouldn 't share her feelings . But this morning , after visiting the birth dad and expressing her thoughts , she woke up hours earlier , played with the dog , ate breakfast , and smiled ! I hope she continues to express herself . She 's like a different girl ! Last night we were invited to one of my son 's in - laws for a Thanksgiving feast . I came home from a wonderful time with family with sadness . Instead on focusing on how blessed I was to spend time with family , especially my grandson , I was focusing on how difficult it is to raise my two youngest . During the evening they , of course , acted up . Holidays are always difficult . They ignored people 's greetings , sulked in the corner , didn 't eat any vegetables , and tried to let me know in so many ways that they were not pleased to come . I was trying to get through the evening without causing too much of a scene , but their behavior seemed to concern one of the members of the family who have have kids that were well behaved . The man finally lectured Mr . I on how to politely get my attention , which was all good advice , but I 'm sure it fell on deaf ears . Mr . I interrupted me for a reason . He didn 't want to be there . Fortunately , Microbio Daughter took them home early , but not before Ms . D came up to me in front of the " perfect " family and took my water . Without asking . And acted sassy too . And then I realized then that in my nervousness , I had eaten much too quickly , which further embarrassed me . Last night I was comparing my kids to theirs , my manners to theirs , my homeschool to theirs , and falling short . And I didn 't just feel bad for a moment , but stewed about it until I was in tears by the time I went to bed . I was focusing on where I fall short of perfection . This morning I decided that perfection was not a good goal . There is no way I can have perfect hair , perfect skin , perfect weight , perfect children , perfect house , perfect husband , perfect anything . Hey , I 'm human after all ! Oh , and so is everybody else ! So why get all in a bad mood because I can 't reach an impossible goal ? Why compare my weaknesses with someone else 's strengths ? Why pass judgement on others and myself ? So today , when I planned to bring down the Christmas decorations from the attic and clean house , I helped one of my sons with a project for church . My house won 't be perfect tomorrow when the family gets together , but it will be clean and decorated well enough . When I planned to shop for food , I also picked up Mr . I and his friend from a friend 's house the next town over . Because of taking an extra half hour to do this , I had to rush to get the food . I may have forgotten something , but we will have plenty of food for everyone . When Hubby took Ms . D to visit the birth father after he finally called , I stayed home to make some pies and watch a movie with Mr . I . Because I didn 't go with , I don 't know how it went , but I was able to reconnect with Mr . I . Instead of focusing on my faults , my problems , and all the negative things in my life , I made an effort to focus on the good . It took work . But I was much happier . I was able to joke around with Ms . D as we drove around . I was able to enjoy my family . I was able to thank the tellers for working on Black Friday when I got groceries . I was able to relax and not be all uptight about having everyone over tomorrow . I was able to rest . I was able to make mistakes and not be perfect , yet enjoy life . I was able to love people , even when they were acting a bit unlovable , because I realized that God does that even better than I . It doesn 't really matter if someone doesn 't like the way I have done things , I did my best just fine . Relationships are more important than having everything go my way . Isn 't that what we 've been trying to get into our children 's hearts all these years ? I can choose whether to focus on the good or the bad . Most life events have a little of both , don 't they ? Sometimes how I look at things determines how I respond to different events . Will I respond with anxiety , embarrassment , fear , anger , and judgement , or will I respond with grace , love , peace , courage , and joy ? The choice is mine . My grandma made the best apple dessert . It was one of the things we ate every Thanksgiving I can remember . Years ago , she gave me the recipe , and each time I make it , I remember her smile , her hugs , and her quick wit . Oh , and the rolls in the picture ? I made them this morning while making the apple slices . I didn 't use a recipe because I was feeling a bit adventurous . Unfortunately , they were the best rolls I had ever made ! I wish I had the recipe ! Posted by Of course , not everyone I know enjoys holidays . My friend in Honduras can 't get the traditional Thanksgiving foods . One year she got a turkey , but it was the toughest old bird ! This year she can 't have visitors because of her husband 's sickness and is spending the day visiting the doctor for a checkup , not a loved on for a meal . Hubby said that some of the group homes he visits empty out , and the jails fill up , because of the anxiety around the holidays . And of course , my kids have been pretty dysregulated the past few days . Ms . D won 't do much of anything but lay around watching movies on the computer . She complains about being tired , or her feet are too tired to walk the dog , or she 's too cold , or . . . Mr . I keeps begging people to take him shopping for things he doesn 't need and wants to get a haircut at a barber today . It 's Thanksgiving . He can wait . Despite the turmoil in my kids ' hearts , I am keeping calm . It helps to know that holidays are pretty rough , and this year may be even worse for them because we aren 't doing anything with the birth family . The birth dad hasn 't called since last Sunday . He knows how to get a hold of us . But he probably is still upset that Hubby told him that Ms . D was disappointed . But he needs to own up to his mistakes , instead of blaming all his problems on others . And we need to protect our children , not only from danger , but from further rejection or flakiness . So I am choosing to be thankful . I am choosing to be peaceful . No matter how much the kids complain or act up , I am going to enjoy my Thanksgiving weekend . It is , after all , my favorite holiday ! Many of my friends are writing things they are thankful for every day this month . I was being a bit contrary and didn 't follow their lead , but I thought that was an awesome thing to do . Often when things get tough , I try to think of things that I 'm grateful for , since it usually makes me feel better about my situation . Thankfulness is all over the Bible , and it is something that pleases God . But it 's also something that even those who don 't consider themselves religious can aspire toward . There have been studies done linking gratefulness to the feeling of well - being . http : / / psychology . ucdavis . edu / Labs / emmons / PWT / index . cfm ? Section = 4 Sometimes it 's hard to be thankful . I can really get wrapped up in negative feelings when people I love become sick or even die , or finances are tight , cars break down , or the kids are driving me up a wall with their behaviors . But I 've found that even when things look really bad , there is always something to be grateful for . And the more I focus on the good things , the smaller the bad things appear . Or , at the very least , the bad things are a little more tolerable . It 's not like the bad things disappear , but they aren 't so devastating . Making a concerted effort to list things I am grateful for has helped me to be a happier person . who practice grateful thinking have more positive attitudes toward school and their families ( Froh , Sefick , & Emmons , 2008 ) . I realized that though I 've modeled being grateful to my youngest kids , I really haven 't had them practice thankfulness . Part of it is my aversion to the old thought of orphans should be grateful that someone took them in under their roof . I 've read so many stories , especially set in the 1800 's , of people who mistreat orphans yet require the children to be thankful for the crumbs that have fallen their way . I didn 't ever want my kids to think that they weren 't worthy of love or that they were a second class person in our family . Because of that , I haven 't encouraged them to express thankfulness as much as would be good for them . They have also had some pretty intense RAD behaviors and materialism that have left them with a feeling of never having enough . Of course getting more things doesn 't fill the void they feel in their hearts . Gratefulness is the last thing on their minds . So I 'm wondering now if our family should start a tradition of saying one thing a day that we are grateful for . It would model thankfulness and also get the kids , get all of us , to focus not on what we lack , but on the blessings we do have . I want my kids to be happy , and this seems like a pretty good way to do it . Maybe that 's why thankfulness was such a big issue in God 's eyes . Posted by I can 't begin to tell you how much of a load has been lifted off me . It is really hard to get a child with FAS accepted in regional centers in California , even with a low IQ . Why ? Because people with FAS seem so normal at first glance , with fairly good verbal abilities . Ms . D , even with a low IQ , is able to function fairly well with support . Fortunately , the psychologist at the regional center realized how much I have been supporting Ms . D and let me retake the functionality test with that in mind . I have been doing so much to be Ms . D 's external brain for so long , I had to think about how she would function without my help . She needs reminders , she needs people to come alongside of her when she " freezes " and can 't think , and she needs concrete , clear directions in a low stress environment to do most things . She is also pretty naive , impulsive , and has a simple , concrete way of relating to people . She is in danger of being victimized . FASD isn 't something people grow out of , and she will always need some kind of support , either from her family , or from outside sources . http : / / www . nofas . org / living - with - fasd / I fully plan to support her as long as I can , but I need to make preparations in case she goes back to the birth family or something happens to us . It also might be nice to have extra help in job training , housing , and other things like that . I 'll find out in a week or so what is available for Ms . D . I want her to be as successful as possible . In a way , I 'm a bit saddened that Ms . D will need support when she is an adult . I think most parents want their kids to become independent and mature . It bothers me that Ms . D has a handicap that most others can 't see , so they expect more than she can deliver . I worry about how she 'll end up , whether she 'll be safe , or if she 'll make really stupid decisions . I sometimes get angry when I think that this all could have been avoided , had her birth mother not been an alcoholic . It 's hard to see your child suffer . On the other hand , I 'm so happy that Ms . D will be able to get more help . I 'm surprised that the psychologist at the regional center changed her mind . Most parents of kids with FASD that I know in California can 't get the help they need for their children . Ms . D is not the usual regional center client , so I 'm relieved that Ms . D was accepted . One of the things that fostered and adopted children have to come to terms with is a feeling of abandonment . Whether or not the parent loses their parental rights because they left the child or because they didn 't do what was necessary to keep the child doesn 't really matter . Our kids feel the sting of abandonment . My kids felt that sting when their birth father left the state and they didn 't see him for ten years . They felt that sting when their birth mother wouldn 't appear for visits , and when she didn 't do what was necessary to get the kids back . They felt the abandonment when occasionally we would get a letter , only for her to disappear for a year , or four years . They felt the joy of seeing the birth mom again , but then when the birth mom stopped calling or visiting , they relived not only this abandonment , but all the times in the past . They saw the birth mom do what was needed to regain custody of a sibling and wondered why she didn 't do that for them . And now with the birth dad , they heard him say that if he knew they would be taken away permanently , he would have come back for them . But why did he leave in the first place ? I know he was on the run from a felony arrest , but the kids and the birth dad blame the birth mom . They don 't want to believe that he had abandoned them . Yesterday , Hubby made plans to visit a church today with Birth Dad and Ms . D . So we woke Ms . D up this morning , she got ready , and was looking forward to another time with her dad . As they went out the door , Hubby called Birth Dad to tell him they were on the way . Birth Dad told Hubby he changed his mind and was with a friend . He didn 't call or text to tell us of the change of plans . He didn 't show any reservation when the plans were made . He just changed his mind and didn 't tell us . This kind of behavior didn 't surprise us . There 's a reason he lost two of his kids . But it crushed Ms . D . Birth Dad got upset when Hubby texted him that Ms . D was disappointed . He made all sorts of excuses and tried to put the shame on Hubby . But Birth Dad needs to know . He needs to know that our kids are extra sensitive to abandonment , no matter how small . We have worked years to show them that they will always have us , they will not be left alone , and will always be loved . Not showing up today is a huge thing . Of course Ms . D doesn 't want to talk about it . She internalizes everything . Thankfully she hasn 't had a seizure , but she has slept a lot and it 's been hard to get her to eat and move . My heart goes out to her . So how will I respond to this ? I 'm not entirely sure . I hope Hubby will be able to talk to Birth Dad about giving us warning if his plans change , and being more sensitive to the needs of our kids . We have to be so careful to not promise something we don 't intend to keep . And Birth Dad needs to do the same . He needs to learn to follow the words with actions , so that the children learn that parents are trustworthy . I don 't know if Birth Dad is capable of following through . We 've learned the hard way that Birth Mom isn 't . But I hope he will be . I hope that this is a one time relapse and he will do better in the future . I hope for the kids ' sake , so they will learn to trust and love . It breaks my heart to see Ms . D suffer through abandonment again and again . How is she to learn of a loving God who is always with her if she doesn 't even believe her parents are there for her ? Posted by My heart is just overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness . Why ? Because today I 've seen some of my older kids give what little they have of their time and money to be a blessing to others . Sometimes I am amazed at my kids . Most of the time I don 't see their generosity , but I see glimpses from time to time . Today one of my daughters gave to a missionary friend who has dengue hemorrhagic fever . This daughter works hard to earn money for college , yet she still gave . Most young adults her age would spend extra money on concerts and clothes , but she is spending it on helping to save the life of our friend . We wouldn 't have found out about it , except that she gave through a nonprofit my husband runs , Progress Tools . Another daughter and a son worked in the rain doing Beautiful Day projects through their church today . And then that daughter took Ms . D to church this evening , despite being so tired . She does so much to help me with the two youngest children , and often I hardly notice when she quietly helps . I see my sons and daughters in law give of their time , finances , and talents to bless others . I am thrilled that they have caught the vision , that they give of what little they have . My heart just bursts with pride and love for these awesome young people . Whew ! I was going to say I didn 't realize how anxious I was yesterday , but that would be a lie . So many things were piling up both in my life and in the lives of those I love . I would catch myself eating too much chocolate , holding my breath , and not having as much patience with the kids as I would like . Some of the things I have been praying and hoping for have not been resolved , but others are beginning to fall into place . One of the things was my daughter 's car . She couldn 't get it to shift into reverse or even park . Fortunately we live in a neighborhood that doesn 't have too much crime , because the key was in the ignition overnight . Since that car has almost 300 , 000 miles on it , I was worried that the cost to fix it would be in the hundreds of dollars . A car like that can easily cost more to fix it than it is worth , and I was afraid we 'd have to go car shopping again . I took it in to our neighbor 's shop anyway today , and he fixed it for free ! There was just too much gunk that accumulated over the years on the shifter . He also found a nail in one of the tires and fixed that too . I hate to think of what would have happened if the car didn 't need to be fixed , the tire wasn 't fixed , and the nail caused a flat on the highway at night . Here I was , fretting about where I would find a couple hundred dollars , and the repair was so easy he didn 't charge us . And not only that , my daughter was protected . What a great neighbor ! What a blessing ! How many times do I fuss about some inconvenience , and it turns out that inconvenience prevents a worse problem ? How many times do I worry about something , and the thing I worry about isn 't as big of a deal as I fear ? How much extra stress do I experience because I worry about tomorrow , what could happen , or what could be the worst case scenario ? I 'd like to think I will eventually learn how to trust God to take care of my needs . I 'd also like to find a way to plan but not worry , pray but let the burden go , and have concern but not get depressed when I see people suffer . Learning these things is not coming easily , but I 'm having plenty of practice ! There is so much going on . But for now I breath a sigh of relief , and thank God for the blessings he 's given me today . Posted by . . . That the kids were a bit dysregulated and Ms . D woke up with a stiff neck . She didn 't have any other symptoms , so I wasn 't concerned , but she told me she thought she was going to die . Do I detect a little drama girl behavior ? Maybe ! Mr . I was alternately clingy and standoffish , jumped on furniture , sassed , and did everything to push my buttons because he " was bored . " Bored ? Really ? He was too overstimulated and emotionally on edge because of the birth dad visit and Ms . D 's sore neck . It didn 't help that I was out of it too . . . . That I didn 't have much motivation to get much done today . I was recovering from a migraine . One of my friends found out her stage four cancer has spread and become worse . Another friend has hemorrhagic dengue fever , the worst kind , and he 's traveling all day and night to get to a good doctor and clinic in Honduras . And someone close to me is struggling financially , but is pushing me away because I don 't understand . That hurts , because I really care for them , yet somehow I don 't come across well in their eyes . Add to that unrest in the Middle East , hurting or crazy kid behaviors , and the usual worries and concerns I carry around , and I became a bit down . For most of these things all I can do is pray , which drives me nuts . Of course God can handle these things a lot better than I can , but I still try to carry part of the load . . . . That there were interruptions and changes to my schedule . There was the usual interruptions that only a mom of a toddler can understand . My kids just don 't outgrow their need to see me pop up and down all day . I really should be losing weight through all this . It must be the chocolate I 've been popping into my mouth every time I get all stressed out . There was also a mix up somewhere in the guide dog meeting time , and so I had to bring Ms . D and Brewster instead of Jim . Brewster did well , but we had to drive a ways in rush hour traffic , pick up a Bible for Birth Dad , and get some pizza on the way home , since I wasn 't able to cook before Hubby and the kids went to visit Birth Dad . Unfortunately , despite our rushing around , Birth Dad was gone by the time they came . But I heard he was not leaving the state tonight , which I think made the kids feel a bit better . I was planning on getting a few things done at home and relax while they were gone , but Black Belt Daughter called with a car problem . I hope it doesn 't cost too much to fix . I ended up waiting for her to finish teaching a taekwando class and got home after Hubby and the kids , which made the kids all the more uneasy . Today I met Birth Dad for the first time . It almost didn 't work out . I had a migraine this afternoon and was afraid I wouldn 't act normally . Well I still have one but it 's been better after the sun set . Mr . I didn 't want to go at first . He was so ambivalent , first he wanted to go , then not . But after Hubby and Ms . D left , he called them on the phone to turn back . I 'm glad he went , because this might be the last time he can see his birth dad for awhile . Birth Dad got a call yesterday that he got a job , so he needed to leave early . It was also nice that one of the birth brothers came by too , since Mr . I and Ms . D missed him . The visit went well . Ms . D didn 't talk much and Birth Dad was a bit nervous around her , so there was a little bit of awkward silence at first . But as the night went on , people were more talkative . We got to know each other a little better . I 'm glad I got to meet the birth dad . So tomorrow , Ms . D and Hubby will drop by one last time to give Birth Dad a Bible and say their goodbyes . We 'll see how things go , since it will be another loss for my kids . They don 't do loss very well . I guess no one really does , but because of all the losses in my kids ' lives , it seems to hit them harder . I hope to give the kids enough tools to learn to live with loss , because you just can 't avoid it . But it 's an important skill for them to learn , so that they can learn to love more . And learning to give and receive love is the best thing I can teach , encourage , and model to my kids . I found out through Ms . D yesterday why the birth mom doesn 't want anything to do with the kids anymore . Birth Dad told Ms . D that Birth Mom thinks we are too nosy and ask too many questions . It kind of confirms what I thought , that the birth family on the mom 's side is up to no good right now . Birth Dad understands that we just want to protect the kids , and told Ms . D that he thinks that we are right to keep her safe . Ms . D seems to understand it too , which is a relief . Ms . D is already having to deal with yet another rejection from her " blood " , and I don 't want her to resent that we are also trying to keep things safe for her . But she seems more at peace with how things are going . It probably helps that Birth Dad is on our side in this instance . Now I must admit I am a bit nosy . I grew up in the Midwest where everyone knows everyone else and what they are up to . Neighbors talked to neighbors , and we kids , when we did something wrong , got yelled at by the neighbor ladies and then got it again when we got home . It was really hard to misbehave ! We didn 't ever lock our houses , since there was always someone looking out to make sure our neighborhood was safe . It 's a little different here in California . I 'm one of the few neighbors who knows just about everyone on our street . Since I am home a lot , most of the neighbors nearby ask for us to keep an eye on things when they are gone . But , I must admit I take it a little to far sometimes . The other day , I saw the neighbors talking to someone I had never seen before . This is the conversation Ms . D and I had , looking out the window : I thought is was so great that Ms . D said it with a smile and laughed . It isn 't often that she jokes around . I had to admit it really wasn 't my business , since the neighbors were right there . But in a way , I think it was good for Ms . D to see that I 'm keeping an eye out for trouble and that others may be too ! If it wasn 't for the neighbors , I wouldn 't have found out as soon as I did when Ms . D first met the birth family and made plans to run away . However , one of them didn 't tell me because she thought it wasn 't her business . I was so angry ! I hope the neighbor ladies in the neighborhood will look after my kids like the ladies did for me when I was growing up . Being a little nosy might be annoying , but it can save a lot of problems . Last night was our monthly Moms ' Night Out for our homeschool group . Not only do we talk about business things like field trips , but we also have a time when we can share how things are going with each of us and pray for each other . It is an uplifting time , since many of us in our group have at least one child with some kind of special need . One of the problems of raising kids with special needs is that we often get so tired out and busy , another night out can be overwhelming . So last night , many in our group could not make it . So the three of us who were able to be there turned the meeting into a handcraft evening . I brought something to knit , but one of the women there showed us how to make a crocheted wreath . It was so good to work on the same type of project and chat ! And they turned out pretty cute too ! Here is a picture of mine after the puppy got to it this morning . The bow is a little fuzzy and beat up , but you can get the idea . I still have to put on some little beads , ornaments , or bells . I won 't write the directions out entirely , but they were easy to make . First we cut a ring out of a vinyl place mat to the desired size . Next we tied the yarn to the ring and single crocheted around the ring , picking up the yarn so that the ring is wrapped in yarn . Then , after making a six stitch chain , we basically double crocheted , chained three , double crocheted for the next row . Finally , we turned the wreath around and did the same thing behind the double crocheted row to give the wreath fullness . Weave in the ends , add the bow and decorations , and you can use it as an ornament or decoration , depending on the size . It didn 't take long to make . I 'm considering making some for the nursing home we plan to visit with our home school group . We 'll see how it goes ! Hubby was able to bring Birth Dad to a church today . This was a perfect church to go to , since Hubby was the only white guy there and the pastor is an ex - gang banger . The birth dad felt comfortable and seemed to respond to the message . One interesting thing that happened was when Hubby introduced Birth Dad to a friend who runs one of the SLE group homes we deliver food to . Birth Dad told the friend that Hubby adopted his kids years ago , and the friend told the Birth Dad how he had a hard past and lost his kids too . They really had a connection . Last night at our church , some of the others who knew this friend told Hubby to see if they could get these two guys together sometime , not knowing about the friend 's past or that he went to the church Hubby went to this morning . Isn 't it just like God to arrange things like that ? We are really encouraged by Birth Dad 's response this weekend . It seems like God is working in his life , and that he is beginning to heal . After our experience with Birth Mom I 'm a little reluctant that the change is permanent at this point , so I am carefully watching . I did joke with Ms . D today though . I told her , " What will you do if you have two dads who are crazy about Jesus ? " She sighed , rolled her eyes , and said , " I don 't want to think of that ! " Oh , and I learned something my kids have known for ages but I was clueless until I heard the words from three different people yesterday . Someone said I can 't be a very good Mexican because I didn 't know what Chola and Cholo were . Ya , probably . . . Sigh . . . And it doesn 't help I 'm really old , according to my teenaged kids . I guess it 's a little payback time . But I have one advantage over my mom when I overhear a new word come out of my kids ' mouths . I have Google ! Bwaahaahaahaaaa ! Today I wrote to a friend who just got a couple of foster kids recently and was frustrated that her kids were eating constantly . It 's hard for someone who doesn 't have a child from hard places to understand the depth and intensity of problems that these kids have . Sometimes I look back and wonder how we made it through those first few months of foster care . After writing my response to her , I realized there may be others who are walking the same path and would like to see what I learned when we got our kids . When you read this , realize that my kids are not in the same place now . There has been growth . No , they aren 't completely healed , and still have food issues . But it definitely isn 't at the same intensity . Also realize that not all kids have the same problems . We are not all the same . The kids are not all the same . But at the same time , there are common themes , common problems , and common feelings . So here is what I wrote to my friend : remember right , the hobbits had breakfast , second breakfast , brunch , elevensies , luncheon . . . they never stopped eating . My kids , too , had insatiable appetites , though they seemed a bit more picky . Yes , they underweight and needed to catch up by eating a few more calories and good nutrition . But they didn 't need as much food as they thought . We would be in our van , five minutes from our home , and one of them would suddenly be hungry and thirsty . They would both then scream to stop immediately for food and soda , even though it was faster to just drive home . They would sneak food into their rooms , stuff food in their mouths that they didn 't trust that the food would be there the next day , the next hour , the next minute . And without food , they wouldn 't survive . They also didn 't trust that I would take care of their needs . Why should they ? It never happened before ! Think of it . If you didn 't think you would eat again , if you thought the food in front of you would disappear know there is plenty of food . You want to take care of them , well , in your heart you want to . They are acting completely crazy and making your Just remember , it 's not about food . It 's about attachment . It 's about trust . It 's about how awful they feel inside . What they are feeling is not always hunger . Many kids , including my own , get their signals mixed up . They say they are hungry when they are thirsty . They say they are bored when they are really overstimulated . They say they need food , when they really need to go to the bathroom . They say they are hot when they are really cold . They think they are starving when they are really having an anxious feeling in their gut . Their brains are not wired right , and it takes time to rewire . You need to guess what the real problem is , and then help them to learn what would better fill that need . When they want food , but just ate , you might say something like , " You 're hungry already ? Ok , here 's a cracker , but maybe you 're feeling sad too . Are you Don 't feel bad for feeling the way you do , but don 't yell at , hit , or abandon the kids . I know , it 's tempting . But any negative response from you will set them back longer . 3 . Help them understand time . Use timers . There are sturdy hourglass sand timers for kids . Show them in concrete ways when the next meal is coming . Become very regimented , even if that 's not your nature . You can loosen up in a little while , but right now things need to be very scheduled . You can also use the timer to slowly help them to wait . Just like an infant , their waiting time might be a few seconds , but you can slowly lengthen the time they can wait for things . Maybe even five minutes ! 4 . Resist the temptation to be a short order cook . I did that , and it wore me out . I also couldn 't feed them the same way they wanted anyway . Who knows how Mommy Sophia made their eggs ? So you need to cook one thing for the family for each meal . 5 . If they don 't want what you are cooking , instead of forcing them to eat broccoli , I would tell them that they could eat either broccoli or three mini carrots , their choice . They ate the carrots . I don 't know what I would do if they hated all vegetables , but this was a compromise . Eventually , they learned to eat more vegetables , but it took time . When the kids feel they have a choice between two things , they will do more than if they feel they have to fight for everything . 6 . Let them carry around baggies in their pockets with snacks . It might help them to know that they have access to They still hid food until one day the ants came in . Then they believed me . But the no food in the bedrooms is a good rule to strictly enforce . Don 't just ask them . Assume they do it , and get it out of there . 9 . Have in your home easy snacks that can be given to them between meals . Carrot sticks , graham crackers , cheese sticks , granola bars , etc . , are things that don 't take time , but can be easily given . 10 . Have them use their words to ask for food . They need to learn to ask politely mama feeds her infant . 12 . Don 't take them places yet . They aren 't ready . Things need to be simple , calm , and regimented . Birthday parties are anything but that , plus someone else is getting all the attention . We still , after ten years , tone down birthday celebrations . I didn 't even take my kids to Sunday school for at least a year , because it was too chaotic for my kids . Then we went together , so that I could pull them out if they got dysregulated . Amusement parks became not a place to have fun , but a great place to have a meltdown . My kids still struggle with parties and crowds . They are happier when things around them are calmer than how they feel inside . Ok , I think I 'll stop on number twelve . Many of those things I learned the hard way , over time . Some may not work with your kids or family , but they worked for us . But if you do nothing else , take a break for even a couple of hours . Maybe you can have someone take care of the kids while you take your birth son to the party . You need some respite . Do you have anyone that can do that for you ? You need to have a couple of hours away at least once a week . That 's the one piece of advice that is the hardest , yet the Last night Hubby and I went to a Leonard Cohen concert . It was my first time at the Shark Tank , even though I 've lived in San Jose over twelve years . I had a great time people watching and enjoying the concert . It was fun to spend time with my man . I 'm usually not the kind of person that enjoys concerts . I can think of a lot of other ways I 'd like to spend my time and money . I don 't seem to get as much out of them as others . But Hubby loves them . So when Hubby suggested it a few weeks ago , I thought it would be a good thing for him . It was . But it was good for me too . We needed a night out . The election results , especially here in California , were a bit depressing . Hubby 's aunt was terminally ill and passed away this morning , the kids have been unsettled for awhile , and I was recovering from illness . Hubby and I needed some fun time away from the pressing needs at home . I really need a vacation , but a night out with my favorite guy was good too . The music and poetry of Leonard Cohen and his band were absolutely amazing . The band , singers , and even the sound and lighting people were not just good , but were of the highest quality . Though I may not completely agree with what he had to say , he painted word pictures with such beauty , it was a pleasure to hear how he said what was on his heart . But even more amazing to me was the humility of Mr . Cohen , and the honor he gave to each of the members of the band and crew . Their names were not just mentioned once , but everyone was introduced three times . It wasn 't just a passing introduction either . He would give their name and backgrounds in such a poetical way , you felt that they were more important than the headliner . And if someone did a solo , not only would Mr . Cohen say their name afterwards , but he would bow , kneel , or take off his hat in his or her honor . I felt like Mr . Cohen was grateful to be blessed to work with these people . This humility and honoring of others is something I am encouraged to emulate after seeing it demonstrated in such a beautiful way . So many times I catch myself coming off as a know it all . I hate it when I see it in myself . I don 't mean to be proud and uncaring . But in my insecurity , exhaustion , or ignorance , I say things I regret . I don 't honor people as much as they deserve , especially when they do things that annoy me . Other times I have good intentions , but like this guy protesting before the concert , I come off as judgemental or just plain weird . I pray that God will work in me a greater love for people so they feel honored , appreciated , and loved . It 's not something I can work up by myself . I don 't have the ability to accomplish it in the way people deserve . Humility doesn 't come naturally to me . But with God , even that 's possible . Oh , and God , bless the protester guy . Forgive me for being passing judgement on him . Help him to feel your love and be able to better communicate your message . Bless him , Father . Bless the people who went to the concert . Help us all to get to know you better , and be able to show your love to those around us . Amen . Last night I went to a Help One Child meeting where we looked at a video by TCU 's Dr . Karyn Purvis . I can 't tell you which video it was , since I arrived a few minutes late because of a certain boy who wanted me to stay home with him . But in the video , Dr . Purvis was describing the influence of trauma on the brain , including the level of all sorts of chemicals and neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin , and also the incidence of psychogenic seizures . And the kids aren 't the only ones who show signs of disrupted brain chemicals . The parents raising the kids are affected too , and it can be quantified . It was a really interesting video and I learned quite a bit . I also learned that I need to learn more about these things , since I have to deal with the effects of past trauma and FASD every single day . It amazed me when she said that about 30 % of kids she sees from hard places have signs of some kind of psychologically based seizure . After seeing this film , I realized that I had been seeing these kinds of seizures for years , but didn 't recognize them until Ms . D had a full , fall on the ground , shaking one . I also realized that even yesterday , she had some minor ones that I didn 't recognize . While helping her with schoolwork , she stared off an on and twitched a bit . It was hard for her to focus . Now I know why ! So what do I do with this information ? I need to learn how to better help the kids . This morning I read an article about PNES , or Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures . I am realizing that my kids are experiencing a lot more stress than I thought . They have been acting so strangely lately , even before they found out the birth dad was coming up here . The visits have compounded their stress , so we need to take that into account when making decisions . I 'm glad that Ms . D is seeing a psychologist and that we have our old social worker to bounce things off of . We really can 't do it alone . And finally , I need to learn how I can reduce the stress response in myself better . A stressed out mom isn 't able to help stressI don 't know how I 'll be able to handle the next few years , except for God helping me . And in a way , we all are in the same boat . None of us knows what the future will hold . We see storms in the horizon . But if we fix out eyes on God , and look to him for our help , we will be able to make it . Posted by Today I went to vote . Not only did I have to make decisions about electing people from the president to the school board , but propositions too . I spent time researching each , trying to make the best decision I could . I might have voted wrong in some people 's eyes , but I did my best . We have decisions with the birth father too . According to Hubby , the visit went well the other day . There were lots of hugs and tears . It was a time for Hubby , the kids , the birth dad , and other family members to get to know each other a little better . The kids were emotional when they came home , and there were some rough patches the past two days , but it wasn 't as bad as I feared . So now we need to make some decisions . How much contact should we allow with the kids during the month he is in our city ? Where do we meet ? The aunt 's house worked well , but do we bring the birth dad in our house ? There are concerns . Birth Dad has a history of domestic and other violence , drug and alcohol abuse , and arrests . He 's run from the law , and has taken a couple of his kids out of the state illegally . Has he changed ? It 's been ten years . This is the first time we 've met him in person , so we don 't know . He doesn 't seem able to admit to his part in losing the kids , and puts the blame on the kids ' mom for not telling him what happened . However , we do remember that his lawyer was in contact with the courts before he lost parental rights . Does he not remember ? Didn 't he understand ? Does he realize his part in losing the kids , or does he just not want to admit it in front of them ? We don 't know . Since some in our home have concerns for their safety , at this point we won 't invite him here . So just like when casting our ballot , we gather as much information as we can . Hubby chatted with an old social worker who understood the case . We let others know where we are visiting and take precautions . We listen and observe the interactions between the kids and birth parents . We make mistakes , and might make decisions that others don 't like , but we try to do as best we can . Posted by Today , I could not go because I was feeling ill . But Microbio daughter went . I think they were hoping that she was another future puppy raiser . But no , she was with us . I 'm so glad she went . She got to meet the people . And Ms . D got to meet the newest puppy in our group , Hal . Everyone who wanted got a chance to hold the little guy . The new ones always get a lot of attention . Hubby plans to take the kids to visit their birth dad at a relative 's house in a couple of hours . They haven 't seen him in about ten years . It 's a bit scary for me , on many levels . The kids always have had a hard time after seeing a new birth family member , no matter how well the visit went . I 'm still not feeling well , and so I 'm wondering if I 'll have enough energy to help them through the next week . There are some other things I 'm worried about . Mr . I is fussing about having one of the birth brothers there so he doesn 't get bored . The birth brother will probably be there anyway , but we feel like it would go better if Mr . I isn 't distracted . But the biggest thing that scares me is that the birth dad has a history of violence , arrests , and and taking kids to other states to avoid the law . People change , and it has been quite awhile , but we can 't be certain we will all be safe . We haven 't had problems yet with the birth family and are taking precautions to protect the kids . We don 't really have a choice in how much contact we have with the birth family . That choice was made for us when Ms . D first came in contact a year and a half ago . The kids are older and have a connection with the birth family , so we need to walk a fine line between protection and connection . It 's not an easy line to walk on . I hope we do it well . Some days I have more of a capacity to handle odd behaviors , and other days . . . . . . Are like today . It started pretty well . I knew I was coming down with Ms . D 's cold , but I had quite a bit of energy . But as the day went on , I felt worse and worse . Mr . I slept overnight at a friend 's house about twenty miles away . He usually does pretty well , but halfway through the afternoon I got a call from Mr . I , asking me to pick him up . I asked him if that 's what he really wanted to do because once I left , he couldn 't change his mind . Guess what ? When I got there , he told me he wanted to stay ! Um . . . no . He had to come home . I don 't know what he was thinking , but I 'm not going to wake up from a nap while sick and drive twenty miles each way to look at his cute face and leave without him . He was so angry , and whined the whole way back . Imagine hearing this for half an hour in a whiny voice and angry scowls while you 're trying to drive while not feeling well : " I want to stay ! " " Why can 't I stay ? " " Things changed and so why are you taking me home ? " " My friends were going to take me home tomorrow . " " I want to stay ! " At first I tried the explanation route . He asked me to come pick him up . I came . I asked him to make a final decision , giving him a half hour to change his mind . I had to drive over forty miles while sick to do what he asked . Those explanations made plenty of sense to me , but you can guess how that went over . Then I tried the ignoring route , which worked better on my end but didn 't stop the constant whine . I went to a store halfway home , which paused the monologue for a bit . He didn 't want others to hear him . But then he continued where he left off when we got back into the car . Of course , he stopped when we came home . Dad was here . You don 't behave that way when Dad is around . I was a pretty put off by Mr . I 's behavior , but didn 't have the energy to deal with the weirdness . Instead of being cheerful , I was quiet and sullen . I just wanted to go home to rest . I didn 't want to spend a lot of time and energy getting him toSometimes I wish there was some way for parents to never get sick . I think back to all the times that I have had to work through difficult situations , even though I had a diminished capacity to handle those times due to illness . A mom just can 't take a sick day when she needs it . But somehow we all survive . This fall , I started going to a woman in my church who does spiritual direction . Hubby works from home Fridays , so I was able to go without being distracted . The timing was perfect this month , as I was feeling like I was heading on a crash and burn course . I 've been battle weary from the past two weeks with the behaviors of the kids , finances , psychologists , agencies , and the frustrations of multiple distractions . And I am facing more battles with the kids and the birth family . On top of that , I feel completely inadequate to do what needs to be done in some of those areas . There isn 't much positive feedback in being a stay at home mom , especially when your kids act like mine do . I 've listened to the subtle social attitudes here in Silicon Valley that put being a stay at home mom about the level of an undocumented house cleaner . Well , not quite . House cleaners get paid . House cleaners work . Some of the comments I 've heard the past couple of weeks have been pretty disheartening . " You understand , you must work . " " How do you know what to teach ? " " Her scores in social skills are the worst . Don 't you think she 'd have more practice in the public school ? " " Where do you work ? Oh . " Then the person starts ignoring me in the conversation . I 've listened to the voices putting me down , and have overlooked those who have encouraged me . Though I 've seen God do things and know He 's been here , my heart feels so alone . When I first sat down at my friend 's house , I cried . I cried when the she asked me the question , " How is your soul ? " It was a cry of longing , longing for a closeness , acceptance , and a peace I didn 't have . She mostly asked questions that encouraged me to think of things in a different way . It was good to get away from the cares of home and focus not on what I don 't have and where I lack , but on how much God cares for me . I have some things to think about the next few weeks . It was good . Since the spiritual director lives near the beach , I was able to turn the time into a half day of reflection and a mini retreat . It was a beautiful day , and I was able to enjoy nature , slow down , and think . And cry . I didn 't spend it all alone , but talked to a couple of women and heard their stories . One was a retired police officer who had the cutest little trailer . She let me look at it inside and out . I think I 'd like to get one some day , since it 's getting harder to sleep in tents as I get older . I need more and more padding each year . It doesn 't quite make sense since I have plenty of more padding on my body to compensate ! This little trailer has a queen sized bed that can pop up to a table and benches during the day , and has a cute little kitchen . It can be pulled by her six - cylinder SUV . Here 's a picture of me sitting in front of it . I also talked with a woman who was walking a lab who wasn 't liking his gentle leader , just like Brewster . I told her about our guide dog puppy and we got to talking about foster care . It was good to talk about kids , dogs , and her work as a special - ed aide at her small town school . Her husband just had a heart transplant and this was their first camping trip since his surgery . He got a heart within days of being on the transplant list . When I told her how blessed she was , she agreed and told me how a Christian changed their flat tire on the way to the beach . I don 't know if she is a Christian or not , but I hope she feels loved by God through those experiences . I took a picture of her to remind myself to pray for her . I didn 't ask her if I could put it here , so it will stay on my phone . I wish you could see the joy on her face . As I was walking down the beach , I saw some men fishing for perch in the surf . Hubby and I did that years ago . I 'd like to do it again . It 's so weird to think that just a few feet from shore in those waves , fish nearly a foot long are swimming around . When I got back from my mini - retreat the kids gave me hugs ! They haven 't spontaneously given me a hug in weeks . They 've struggled to get out of my hugs . Hubby said they did their schoolwork and even did some dishes while I was gone . So not only did I get a time to rest and recharge , I was able to stay at peace when I returned . That is a real blessing ! I woke up with big plans of catching up on laundry , housecleaning , and buckling down on schoolwork . The headache of last night disappeared . I even thought of taking the kids on a field trip with the homeschool group . We had a hard time with the Tabernacle tour yesterday , but I woke up with such energy , I honestly thought we maybe should go to the backstage tour after all . Of course , this was well before the kids woke up and the distractions started to happen . Distractions ? There are always distractions in the life of a mom ! The first one was when the puppy was full of energy and kept getting into trouble . He also didn 't want to " do his business " outside because of the rain . He went his normal two times , and a half hour later when I went to feed the chickens , I left the back door open in case he wanted to follow me . He didn 't want to get his feet wet and so there was a big pile of " business " on the kitchen floor waiting for me when I came back . This was the first time in a couple of weeks that he had an accident . And he chose this morning to have another . I then looked at the calendar and realized that it was the first of the month , so there were bills to pay . Also , both the private homeschool PSP and the guide dog puppy group have monthly reporting requirements due today . Because paperwork is pretty stressful for me , I decided to do it right away before the kids woke up , except for the puppy report . I had planned to have Ms . D fill it out as part of the homeschool . That was a pretty good idea except just as the kids got up , their birth father called to tell them he was on his way to San Jose and he wanted to see them tomorrow . They were all excited , making plans without me . It is pretty scary for me to meet with the birth dad anyway , but I was hoping us adults would make the plans before the kids started making promises and requests . It makes things pretty complicated when they have expectations , but those expectations aren 't practical . No matter how many times I 've tried to drill in their heads to ask us before they make plans , they make plans without us . Then the anger and impatience come when I have to change their plans . We already told the kids we would spend time with the birth dad , but they also wanted their birth brothers to come too . Hubby and I want a little more space between the siblings since the older boys show a lot of signs they are in gangs . We don 't say it directly , but we just don 't make the effort to contact them anymore . And when we don 't make the effort , they stay away . The older boys don 't care as much for the kids as the kids care about them , I guess . Mr . I thinks the older boys will come if he wants them to come . I tried to tell him to not get his hopes up too much , but Mr . I is sure they will . We 'll see . This meeting with the birth dad can become a real mess if things don 't go as the kids plan . I have to prepare myself for another really rough week in the kids ' behaviors . After the birth dad called , I tried to get the kids to eat , settle down , and start their schoolwork . They ate . Candy . When I told them to eat something else besides canWell , I was asking too much . As I was pressuring Ms . D to help me fill out the puppy report , she kept snapping at me , saying she couldn 't think . I was getting more and more frustrated and she was getting more and more obstinate . I thought it was because she still hadn 't eaten anything good , so I told her to go to the kitchen to get some real food . I continued to fill out the form , and went into the kitchen when I had another question about the puppy form . I saw Ms . D crunched down on the floor with very painful cramps . That 's why she was acting so strangely ! I felt so badly ! I took her to bed and apologized for getting on her case so much . Of course , I didn 't have the right medication for Ms . D . The bottle was in the cabinet , but it was empty , so I had to go to the store . Going to the store wasn 't in my plans and took up even more time . The puppy needed more attention from me today , because Ms . D couldn 't do much . I still had to finish paying bills and had a hard time with one of the companies ' web sites . And since this is election season and we have a very popular son , our phone was ringing incessantly . I didn 't get as much done on the house as I had planned . I never was able to go to the field trip , and I heard it was a good one . I missed out again . I was still feeling bad about not being able to enjoy the Tabernacle experience because of the kids ' behavior yesterday . I was a bit grumpy because it is so hard to spend quiet time with God when there is so much pulling at me . I intentionally asked God a month ago to give me more times of rest in Him , and since then I 've had even less . I 'm tired of the kids making fun of people who are " too religious . " I feel bad that I haven 't been able to help them love God as much as I 'd like . I can 't even help them to love me . And it hurts . It hurts because I love them so much , even as they push me away ! I 've been on the edge of crying most of the day past few weeks . I gained two more pounds because I 've been stress eating and have been emotionally drained . I have been asking God for an advocate and for help , even as I 've had to be an advocate for my daughter , yet I feel so alone . I feel separated from the presence of God . Yet even though I don 't feel it , I see glimpses that He 's right here . This afternoon around lunch time I thought of a man who had asked for prayer about a month ago in a meeting . I quickly prayed for him and then when I told Hubby about it , he said that he found out at lunch time that this man needed prayer . When I felt so overwhelmed with the housework this evening , my energy level drained from today 's frustrations , I noticed that Microbio daughter was cleaning the kitchen . Mr . I decided to go to bed early , so I have time this evening to reflect and settle down . Hubby took a walk with me and the puppy , and we had a chance to talk . Hubby and I talked . The puppy just walked . Yes , I 've had a rough day , and have felt abandoned and overwhelmed . But the reality is that I am not abandoned . I am not alone . Things are not all bad . There is good . I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective .
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So this is the last night of 2013 , I can 't say I will be sad to see it go . In the scheme of things this has been an horrific year for me . I know , I know , you would tell me there is always someone worse off than me and I am sure you would be correct , but losing you has been horrific for me , your family and your friends . I haven 't made any new years resolutions , I never keep them anyway , but I hope for us , we , your family and I can start to come to terms better with your absence . I have let a lot of things slide since you went and I know that that is something you would hate to see . I promise , after tonight , I will try very hard to get on with living my life to the full , something you always did . I have Kai here with me tonight . He has been naughty and Christine is struggling to cope . It is easier to just bring him here as on the whole he doesn 't behave that way with me . It 's sad that he will start the new year away from his family . I guess we will have to talk as I don 't want this to be the shape of things to come . Were your ears burning today ? I took Christine to go and see her Dad . I dropped her off first so she could have some time with him and her brothers and then took the kids over the forest . Kai took her to the door then came back to the car . As he did up his seat belt he said : Nan you wouldn 't fancy him anymore . He is bald with a big fat belly . I had to laugh , out of the mouths of babes eh ? He asked about you so I told him what had happened . I told him , you are more of a sister to me than my sister and I think about and miss you a lot . He isn 't well himself , it is quite sad really . He is clean and tidy but the house has 4 men living in it so it isn 't the cleanest place on earth , due to his ill health he can 't do much and it is a shame to see him like that . He liked a clean house and I am sure he was doing it before . He has COPD , it is not nice to see , this is why I must get back on the electronic fags . Kai really loved Alex , Alex took him upstairs and was playing computer games with him , he also gave Kai 4 games . So Christmas is upon us , your favorite time of year . This is the time that your family will think of you most . Lise is coming to stay with your Mum on Monday , they are saying nothing about Paul , so I can 't tell you what is happening to him yet . I told your Mum I will call her on Christmas eve and speak to Lise then Christmas day I will leave them to console each other . I have 2 weeks off of work , I have been counting the days since I came back from Wales 7 weeks ago . A very nice colleague left on Friday , they have treated her so badly and I fear it is the shape of things to come . 2 of the senior managers are leaving next year and they still haven 't replaced Eddie . It is getting beyond a joke . I am just holding on till I am 55 then every year after that I am going to apply for VR . They will have to pay me my pension and although it won 't be a lot , it will be a safety net which will allow me to work part time . I know I will not be able to do another 11 years there , it will drive me insane ( that 's normal for me , I hear you say ) I ordered a chocolate hamper from Thorntons last week . It was a £ 100 reduced to £ 50 , but it didn 't arrive , so I emailed them . They called yesterday and said it was out for delivery on the 14th and the courier company would assume it was lost so have sent me out another of a higher value along with a complimentary box of chocolates . It is supposed to be here on Christmas eve , I sure hope so . But a result eh ? Anyway my lovely , I have to go , all I can do is wish you a happy Christmas wherever you are . I want you for Christmas , here and healthy but that won 't happen I know . Love you lots and miss you , I think about you at least once a day . P . S They have built an extension on one of the houses at the back . My god , it was supposed to be a loft extension with a dormer , what he has done is remove the roof and put a chalet on the top of it , it is an eyesore and I have complained to the council . I truely hope they make him pull it down . So Christmas is approaching . Traditionally you were the first present I always bought , not for any reason other than you had a wish list that I could choose from which made it very easy . Now the heart break has really taken a grip . I decided to look Mark Morgan up the other day and was shocked to discover that he too had died . A year ago . I don 't recall you saying anything , I do wonder if you knew because surely that is something you would have mentioned . I just could not believe it and although I didn 't know him , it really gave me a shock , I so hope he is up there looking out for you going to a rave or two . Last weekend was very bad for me , I spent most of it crying somewhere where people wouldn 't see me . I couldn 't call your Mum because she is going through her own heartbreak . I did think that things would start to get better but instead they feel worse , we were supposed to grow old together . Time is passing and it is starting to depress me . I went to see Depeche Mode the other evening , they were surprisingly good . The audience was full of people in my age group , some blokes with comb overs and it did make me smile . I saw that Elbow would be playing there in April so I did something brave and bought a ticket just for me . Hopefully I will have someone nice to sit next to . So long as they are not smelly I don 't mind . Well some significant news for you . I have given up smoking tobacco . I have been on electronic cigarettes for the last month now and am doing really well . I have smoked 2 cigarettes in all that time , I have really surprised myself . Do I feel any better ? No actually , not health wise , but certainly pleased that I have stopped as I never thought I would be able to , so in that way , I do feel really good , but not smug . I don 't care if people smoke around me and I will certainly never gloat evangelise like a certain person we know . Who , incidently seems to have dropped off the face of the earth where your mother is concerned , obviously no glory in that eh ? This post has been on draft for a long time so a quick catch up . I took your bauble over the cemetery yesterday . Oh god that was so very very hard . There were other people putting things on the 3 trees that they have there and I had to find a tree with no - one around it . As I placed your bauble on , the tears came thick and fast . It took me back to the night you were dying and your Mum was telling me how much you appreciated me putting a bauble on for your Dad every year and it dawned on me that I would be doing it for you this year too . At the time I wanted to scream and cry but had to hold myself in check as I knew you would be able to hear me . No such thing yesterday my lovely friend . I walked back to the car and had to sit until I could stop crying and see what I was doing . My Dad sat quietly beside me . I never thought I could feel so heartbroken and still be able to breathe . I spoke to your Mum after , I cried on the phone to her . Her with her own heartbreak and me crying down the phone . Putting that bauble on that tree feels so wrong and rotten . Anyway Clank , time I got my bum in gear . The kitchen looks like a bomb has dropped in it . I am taking Christine to see her Dad next week . I will write and let you know how that goes . Love and miss you especially lots . I went to a surprise 80th birthday party the other week in Plumstead . I drove over as I was taking Christine and she isn 't doing public transport at the moment . That side of the river has changed a lot , and we had a fantastic night . On the way home I decided to go via Griffin road . That brought out a turmoil of emotions . I stopped at the church that was on the corner along from Barbara 's old house and thought about all the weekends we had walked that road to go and see Barbara and then back again to catch the bus to Woolwich . I told Christine about the night we met Steve Steadman and Dave Cammack on the way to the ferry . She doesn 't really know much about that and I explained that Woolwich on a Saturday was a hot place to pull and that most of the blokes we met were all good clean fun . Young men who had just joined the army who were probably home sick and wondering what they had let themselves in for . That group of blokes went past asking for our chips and we gave them the brush off , then when they were almost at the end of the road Barbara screamed at the top of her lungs : ' OYE Want a chip ? ' and about 20 blokes did an about turn and ran back up the road towards us . LOL . I think at one point we had about 2 blokes on each arm and then they whittled down to just Dave and Steve . It is still hard but I am coming to terms with you not being here , but not a day goes by when I don 't think about you . I had a dream about you the other night , I was holding your hand and promising that I would look out for your Mum and kids , and I do as best as I can . Not being close physically doesn 't help , but I am going to make the effort to go to see your Mum before Christmas and spend a bit of quality time with her . She is struggling with Paul not getting any money and the thought that he may be going to Norway after Christmas . The doctor is worried about her heart , it is beating too fast , but any fool can see that it is just plain broken . Dad is being awkward , he made me laugh the other day , I asked if he had heard from the insurance company about when they were likely to sort out the subsidence , I asked him about a form he had been sent and whether he had filled it in and returned it . I got this sheepish look so I said : ' Oh silly me , fancy forgetting that if you ignore the form , the cracks will just mend themselves . ' He appreciates sarcasm . I got the form , read it , filled it in them made him write a cheque for the excess , which he said he didn 't know how much it was , but I told him it was on his policy . So now we wait , I am hoping they will tell him the kitchen needs to be gutted . Oh how I want them to destroy that awful kitchen . . . . . . . . . . . . . The weather has turned . We have had such a beautiful summer , you would have loved it . health allowing , you would have been able to spend a lot of time outside . I am gutted that you missed it . Now winter and the dark evenings draw upon us and it 's time to get my winter woolies out of the wardrobe . Anyway my lovely , time for me to go and get on with the dinner . I miss you dear friend and sometimes I wish I had a magic wand to bring you back and make it all better . How popular would I be if I could ? ! ! I have just come back from Wales which was the last place I saw you looking fit and healthy . When I walked into the place I cried and spoke to you . It was a very happy day as I remember , we laid out a buffet and had a good old gossip , while the dogs ran around outside . I stood in the kitchen this time and remembered that day in detail and then I smelt cigarette smoke and thought , oh dear the previous people have been smoking in here . I went up to the bathroom and smelt smoke up there too , then Sue and Paul arrived and Paul smelt cigarette smoke . When Annette came over to say hello , I asked her about the previous guests and asked if they had been smoking in the barn and she said , no , they weren 't smokers . Later on we got to talking about you and Annette asked me if you smoked , she suggested that maybe you had come to visit . I really hoped you had . It wasn 't a bad holiday , the weather was really lovely . On your birthday I drove over to the Elan Valley and released a balloon , a big red , shiny heart . We had dire warnings from the balloon police , sometimes I wish Susan would keep her mouth shut , she would only need to know if it would be inflated the next day , but no , she gave all the details so the balloon police told us we would not be able to release the balloon because it was ' illegal ' . Well bollox to that , off we went and up it went then got blown sideways . I hope you saw it . Then I had to go over to Crewe . I have found that it has really unsettled me . Christine put her finger on it straight away . All the time I am in London I can still think of you as being in Crewe , but when I am in Crewe I have to face the fact that you are gone . No trips to the Shroppie fly , Snugbury 's or Cheerbrooks . No little inpromptu visits or Chinese takeaways . Little legs gave me the letters you kept that I sent while you were in hospital , that was very emotional for me , knowing that you kept them . She also gave me back the bracelet I bought you . It needs a good clean but I am so grateful for those things , I have put them in a treasure box . I also saw the most beautiful rainbow on my way over . I saw through it as I drove along the road . I heard knocking during the night , then last night I had a lovely dream about Kroppen . He gave me a huge hug and I would like to think these are all signs that you are still with me . I miss you so much dear friend , sometimes I just can 't see the way forward . You were the only person who knew me like I know myself and it hurts to know that no one will ever be able to do that again . I have just had a nice weekend with Gill . I love her house , tucked away in a little hamlet and the view from the conservatory across the garden and fields beyond is fantastic , I will definitely be going back there again . She wasn 't very well over the weekend , but she slept and it gave me a bit of time to chill and relax . I left hers at about 11am yesterday as it was her birthday and I thought it would be nice for her to have some time with her family . We went to a marina open day on Saturday , OMG it was so quiet , there was hardly anyone there and no nice boats for sale . I was looking at Google earth the other day and decided to look at Konnerud . The first place I saw was Poppegardsveien . That was the first place I ever visited you in Norway . What a gorgeous house it was . Until then I had never realised just how big Norwegian houses were . The landing was as large as my whole flat ! ! The kids were little and you had that lovely big balcony from your bedroom and around the living room . I got into polishing your table with that bees wax polish . We used to take Cinders out walking with us . Remember how she used to go off and forage in the forest and then come out and meow when she couldn 't see us ? Then you would call her and she would come trotting up the road after us . She has those lovely little grey kittens with the ginger patches . I loved it there . I zoomed in on Google earth and tried to find the house and after a while there it was . It looks so different from how I remember it , much more built up . The forest that was up the road has definitely gone . Happy days . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am leaning towards selling the house more and more . I just do not want the responsibility of owning it anymore . A part of me is holding back , but I have no idea what is happening here at work and I just feel the need to move on and use my money for something else . I think if we are outsourced or made redundant , I will definitely put it on the market and look to go temping . I have learned over the years the more you are shit at your job , the more you are liked for it . I have been a bit of a social butterfly this week , I was out with Ruth Wednesday and Tina Thursday . Both of those friends I met in Turkey . You know I don 't take to people easily , but they have been friends for the last 15 years . I am off out tonight with Linda , who came on the boat with us last time ? She has taken retirement and has just lost her step daughter to cancer . We 'll go for an Indian I suppose . Spoke to Mumsey yesterday , she was stressing about social services coming and on the morning of the appointment they cancelled . She had too many appointments apparently . I don 't think Paul will be going to Norway any time soon . It is good to have a chat with her and she said that her neighbour Ivy came over and that they spent the afternoon together . I am really happy she has done that . Well thank god it 's Friday , I noticed the other day , coming into work , that I am on autopilot . The weeks fly by , I mean it 's July in a few weeks time and then after that , clearing starts all over again . Things are not looking good here , I can tell you that . Admissions are down , the calls are down . Switchboard is always the first to notice . I have a sneaking suspicion that we are being looked at as a means of outsourcing . Fuck ' em I say . We also generate some income so they won 't be saving as much as they think they will . Still no - one has approached us about Eddies job . They intend to replace him but if that 's the case they better start advertisng soon as neither Steve nor I intend to take on any of his work . Make a mug of me once , shame on them . Make a mug of me twice , shame on me . The other good thing about Friday , is it is takeaway night . I love being able to get home and just order something on the phone and then chill , although tonight , I will be doing a bit of housework as I will be at Gills tomorrow until Sunday . Someone else to do the cooking , lovely , I hope she can cook ! ! Spoke to Mumsey last night . She said she will never go along Victoria avenue again . Like me , you loved driving through the tunnel of trees in the summer . I must admit , the thought of going back to the house does make my stomach feel a bit wobbly , I will have to one day though , if I sell it I will need to clear out the shed and get my stuff from storage . I have such lovely memories of going home at weekends and driving off somewhere with you . Snugbury 's , Bunbury , Cheerbrooks , Chester . Do you remember the night when your Mum was living with you and we went out for a Chinese . You were so desperate for some time away from your Mum that we drove almost to Wrexham and pulled over in a layby and just sat in the dark smoking a fag . Then drove over to Bunbury and giggled in the dark about the time I got my wing mirror ' knocked off ' . Mmmmmm where was it we drove when I hired that car ? Somewhere in Wales , the destination escapes me . I remember being stuck in traffic on the way back and skidding on that tiny oil patch . Good job we were only going slowly . For some reason , I also remember us going to Snugburys and you getting really arsey with the girl because you couldn 't have a double scoop on on of their little cones . LOL I feel ok most of the time , then a little comment or something brings me back to reality . The human psyche really does a lot to protect itself doesn 't it ? Most of the time is spent in denial . I was talking to another friend about it . She thinks that the distance ( in miles ) has a lot to do with it . Her brother was living in New Zealand when he died , she says most of the time she feels great , then a little thing will start her off . I am worried about my Dad . He looked almost comatosed last night . He hardly touched his food . I sat there thinking , please please please don 't you die on me as well . I really do think that would be the final straw . I can see him get older and older in his ways , and he seems to have really gone down hill this last year . I am forever asking him if he is alright and just he says : yes yes , I am fine . Anyway my dear , it 's time I got on with some stuff . I will write after I get back from Gills . So what has been happening in this part of blighty ? I had a hospital appointment yesterday , when I got my eyes tested the optician found some inflamation in the back of my eye and the pressure was high . So off I went to Moorfields in Mile End hospital . They gave it a thorough check , the pressure is fine ( It usually is , those puffer tests are very inaccurate ) but they found that the inflamation was due to toxoplasmosis . Apparently my Mum got infected during pregnancy , I have read up about it and it must have been late pregnancy . The scarring was at the side of my eye , so I was lucky as usually it scars the retina and leads to blindness , also it can cause brain damage in a foetus . Bathbun did say I have brain damage . Er thanks for that Dad . anyway the infection is dormant and he thinks it 's highly unlikely to reactivate so it is all o . k . The weird thing is , is that all the operations I have had on my eyes as a kid and an adult , all the eye exams I have had since wearing glasses and it has taken 53 years before anyone discovered it ! I got talking to this woman on the ' I 'm from E15 ' group she is married to Mick , it turns out I worked with her at my first job in Midland Bank . She doesn 't remember me as she said she had a breakdown and doesn 't remember many peoples names and to be honest I didn 't work there for very long . I left there to go to Watts Fincham . I thought : I must tell Sharon , and then realised I couldn 't . I hate those moments . . . . . . . . . . . . . I have booked a narrowboat holiday for us ( The kids and myself ) for autumn term 2014 ! ! Chris has finally agreed to go back on a boat and if she is still not well , it won 't really matter as she can sit quietly with me while the kids help P with the locks and stuff . I am really excited about taking them on a boat , I hope they love it as much as I do , they will have to get used to it , because , one day I will have one of my own . It will mean going along the Trent and Mersey again , but there are 3 routes I can take off of there for a bit of variety . I am off to Gills on Saturday for her birthday , I think it will just be us and Alex . I am looking forward to some nice quite time in a nice quiet place where I can chill out for a little bit and either think thing through thoroughly or just blob . I am so tired these days . Putting on the beef hasn 't helped . What am I like ? But I love eating . I suppose I should get out of that habit of taking it off and putting it on , but after my weekend . I haven 't heard from Jo and Billy . I was having a ' moment ' after you died and started telling Billy about the time we went over to Wanstead flats fair . As usual it rained and rained and it was a bloody mud bath and you got your foot stuck in the mud and after finally yanking it out , it came minus your shoe . So off came the other shoe and there was you squelching about with your shoes in your hand in just your tights ! ! People were staring at you , but we all thought it was hilarious ! ! Then you came to this big puddle and because you were making everyone laugh you pretended you felt hot and that you were going to sit in the puddle . You almost did too , but you were only teasing . Those days we had no worries . Sometimes I wish I could go back there . There is a great sadness when I think how care free we were then compared to now and how life just whizzes by . It feels weird that young people look at me and think ' Granny ' just like we used to . LOL . 40 was ancient and now I wish I were only 40 ! ! I don 't know what to do about the house . I am getting fed up with the responsibility . I keep saying I will wait until this or that but everytime the agent calls my heart comes up in my mouth and I think : Oh no , what now . I am never going to live in it again so I may as well get rid of it , then I think about the tenants but I don 't owe them anything . I may have to pay the council tax as I don 't want to end up paying loads of tax on it . I have to make a decision soon or the window of opportunity may go . It has been a horrible weekend . I spoke to Mumsey on Friday and she said the keys to the house had been handed back and then she said : There is no more 64 Fairburn Avenue . That was all she said . On Saturday , I woke with a horrible lump in the pit of my stomach , all day I kept thinking , that 's it , all done , all gone . I kept looking at your picture thinking yep she really isn 't here anymore and I spent a lot of the day crying . It was a bit awkward as I met my friend Paul for breakfast and kept having to drag myself back to his conversation and make the appropriate responses . I really needed to find a place I could sit and sob my heart out but that never happened . June came back from Spain on the Friday as well and she commented about the toadstool being gone so I guess she is feeling it too . I called Mumsey yesterday , it was her birthday , she didn 't want to celebrate it and I can understand that , but I had to wish her a happy birthday I couldn 't just let it pass . I had a lovely text from LM telling me she was ok and she appreciated me calling her Nan . You mum has been a big part of my life too so I can hardly let her get on with it . I know that if the boot was on the other foot , you would be doing the same . These letters remind me of the time you were suffering from depression . I didn 't get a reply from you for months but I kept plodding on telling you you could ignore me all you wanted but I was still going to write . Eventally you replied and poured your heart out and took some of my phone calls . You needed time to think and eventually you got there . This time there will be no reply , I know that , but it helps to get things down . There are some things I would love to tell you , but here is too public . I don 't have a problem with saying what I think , but there are times when it is best to just keep my gob shut . I guess you know what ails me anyway . Someone sent me a request from your facebook last week , it was asking to be tagged into the photo we took when you came to see us on the boat last year . Lise says it wasn 't her , LM says it wasn 't her so now that only leaves R and he says it wasn 't him either . I also got an email from you entitled : Greetings . Mmmm I thought , Sharon is trying to contact me from the great beyond , and as much as I would like to think so , I am afraid it is a case of you being just too slapdash with who you gave your passwords to ! ! Anyway bird , I have to go . I will write soon I am very stressed today , one of the staff in here whines like a baby . Over the last few days she has been whining about the UPS making a noise . Quite honestly it is no louder than the last one , but she has been under the cosh at home so it manifests as whinging at her colleagues . I couldn 't stand it anymore this morning , so found Elbow on Youtube and am playing that with the door closed . I have decided the fucking UPS is coming in my office and then once it has , I am going to go to her desk every morning and whine in her ear until her eyes bleed ! : - ) Lise can 't find the necklace she got you from Tiddy . I feel sad for her as I am sure you would have taken very good care of that . As the house is cleared out now I am hoping she will come across it in your belongings that have been kept . Mumsey said LM isn 't well , she has a cold or something , poor thing had to go back to work this week the last thing she needs is sick time on top of the other time she has had to take off . I bet Tesco were less than generous with pay and time off , she was in pain with a wisdom tooth on the week of your funeral too . She is going through the wars . I hope she can have a bit of chill out time soon as I think she is going to need it . I am sure Jo , Billy and Mumsey will keep an eye out for her and her boyfriend seems nice . A quiet lad who looks a bit like Daniel Radcliffe ! ! . Lise is going back to Norway on Friday . That will make all this final and I may have to examine closely that box in my head . I am going out with Ginge tonight , haven 't caught up with her since I went to her house in Christchurch , she is the one person I can have a blast with and make me break my usual no drinking preference ! I just love getting pissed with her , she is so hilarious . She was the Yorkshire lass at my Mums funeral . She is very down to earth , not your usual new money type . She once asked me to look out for a stopper for a hot water bottle , later that evening her partner was telling me that he considered themselves quite affluent and didn 't have the money contraints most mere mortals have . My response was : Really how come Ginge wants me to find a new hot water bottle stopper instead of just buying a new hot water bottle ? We pissed ourselves laughing at that one , material things don 't do it for me , but Gary was only joking anyway . Ginge wasn 't ! ! LOL I remember our first boating holiday . Beautiful day U2 always conjours it up when I hear it . It was a fantastic week , even though it was the end of October , you brought the sun out and with you steering and me locking , we had a gentle meandre along the Shropshire Union to Chester where we met Andy for the day ( And broke Rawhides heart ) . I have to laugh about the 2 British Waterways guys who were too frightened to offer me a hand at the lock in case we were aggesive lesbians . LOL . Silly buggers . I had a weird experience at one of the locks one morning , where I was positive someone was standing close to me . I checked that it wasn 't the hood on my jacket and then quietly said : I know you are there , but you are crowding me and then I felt this rush of excitement as if someone was really happy I knew they were there . I have no idea what happened , as I don 't consider myself in anyway psychic , but it was reminiscent of the time as teenagers I felt someone walking behind me and as a joke you stepped behind me and someone / thing shoved you out of the way . I remembered that when we got to Chester , you had a sudden pain in your lower back that laid you flat for an hour and were unable to come food shopping with me , that I think was the start of your illness , but it was at least 6 months after that , that it became life threatening . We both loved that holiday , it was the first one we had taken together since you lived in Norway . You had to go off for the Thursday night for a court appearance the following day , but you did come back to help me get the boat back to the marina . The next boating holiday you came on you were quite ill with a line infection and didn 't realise , you didn 't enjoy that one at all and neither did we . The boat was well horrible and unloved by then . I was in a meeting this morning , the benefit of that means the rest of the day goes quickly , which makes me happy . I would like to say it was an interesting meeting , but although it gave me some pointers , the rest was psychobabble . There seems to be a process for everything these days and it would seem talking to people is one , what happened to good old fashioned : Oye you , that was a shite job ? ! ! ! Hahahahahaha . Phoned Mumsey this afternoon , we had a good old chin wag and a laugh , although I know that it is on the surface with her at the moment , she is trying to stop herself from sinking and it must be hard . I have lost a brilliant long time friend and she has lost a child . Anyone who hasn 't , couldn 't possibly know how that feels . She told me the whole house has been cleared now and that she doesn 't want to go and see it . Lise is cleaning up the floors today . I take my hat off to Lise , I couldn 't go in that house and see it like that , empty and cold . Lise is going back to Norway on Friday , she misses Tiddy . I hope she will be alright once she is home , but Svend will be there for her . Bloody flaming June is turning into a wash out . We were promised such a wonderful weekend and now the weather is overcast and quite windy . I need to get over to Epping on Sunday to pick up some more veg growning soil . My potatoes have sprouted right out of the top of the bags now , I need to soil them up so I can get more of a crop . I am meeting my friend Paul for breakfast on Saturday , strangely , he comes from Shavington , he does the same job as me at UEL . He is so camp , you would love him , he really jollies me up when we meet for breakfast . He just loves going shopping , and he is awful as he is always encouraging me to buy more shoes . ' Oh look ' he goes ' there is office , shall we go and look at the shoes ? ' A man after my own heart . LOL I had the pleasure of Kai and Sians company on Saturday night after the barby . Sian is such a little madam , she wanted me to go to bed with them and give her a cuddle , but instead of saying that , she just went into hysterics over the dead hamster . In the end , once I told her I knew all she wanted was a cuddle she gave me one of her evil looks and cuddled up to me . After that I didn 't hear a peep all night until some ungodly hour of 7am on Sunday morning . I got into bed with them and miracle of miracles , they let me sleep until 9 . 30 . I woke with such an horrendous head ache , I fed them , took some pills and slept for a bit longer on the sofa . I took them home about 5pm . On the way home Sian said from the back of the car : No - one ever thinks about me , so I said : Actually you are right , I never think about you or Kai and then when you come in the door I think OMG I have grandchildren ! ! That made her smile . Dad , it getting noticably doddery , he seems confused with the simplest of things and sits down all day . I know his legs are playing him up , but he doesn 't do much at all during the day . I have noticed he has started to make excuses to not go out . He sleeps in most mornings too . I hate leaving the house until I have seen him . Just in case , you know . I have an invite to go to Gills for the weekend , it was nice speaking about our childhood . It 's her birthday so we are going to celebrate it . Looking at the photo 's it looks nice and secluded and quiet where she lives . She is struggling financially , but she is hanging on in there . She 'll make it . I got a message from Steve C on facebook , he was asking if I remembered Debbie H , he asked in such a way , I thought he was going to tell me he knew where she was . I told him about the time she tried to avoid talking to me at the garden centre . She was very dark that girl , I often wonder what happened to her or if she is still alive even . Such a screwed up girl , I believe you were right once when you told me something wasn 't right in that family . I hope she has sorted out her head and is living a nice life somewhere in Surrey . Work is pissing me off . My other boss has taken VR now and leaves at the end of July . Slowly slowly the work is finding it 's way on my desk . To add insult to injury , I got my HERA scoring today , what a joke , they have hardly taken anything into account . No - one has even asked if I am happy to take on some of the work , nor will they . After taking on 1 grade 7 managers job and getting sweet F . A for it I have no intentiuon of taking on anothers and they can haul me up to HR if they want . You not being here , really concentrates the mind . I was thinking about that Horizon programme you did about your photographic memory when you were a teenager . Then after it was shown , those girls from another higher class came asking you questions . I hated that girl , she tried to bully me from the moment I entered that school , it was only Carol P 's sister pulling her aside and telling her to pick on someone else that her and her mate finally left me alone . I remember once asking you to project Gerry Shephard next to me , fat lot of good it did me cos you were the only one who could see it . LOL ! ! Mumsey seems to be ok at the moment . She said that a lot of your stuff got sold at the boot sale and the girls gave her the money . It makes me wonder why we keep stuff if all it ends up as is boot sale stock . All those things we think we treasure , sold for 50p . Your house has to be cleared and it has to go somewhere , it makes me feel sad , because I know I will have to do that at my Dads house , and one day , someone will have to clear out my life out too . Ingy has let me have the bracelet I bought you with the beads on it . I will wear it along side mine . I remember you getting the hump , you couldn 't wear it because nit wit here forgot about all the weight you had lost and bought you a long one ! Duh I think about you every day . I tell you every morning : Love ya mate . And I do , you were like a sister to me . At your bedside I was telling the girls the story of your Mum getting a grilling from the lady at the holiday camp about giving birth to twins . I hoped you could hear because I wanted you to hear funny things and not be scared . I think when Lise and I first came in you could hear us . You turned towards the talking and I came and stroked your head . Then when your family were talking to the doctor the nurse came and gave you a sedative you remained still while I was there then . The girls said you opened your eyes at the last moment and cried , I guess you were heartbroken at leaving them too , I am glad I had left before then . Just like you used to cry when I cried , I would have done the same and I needed to be strong for them . Anyway , look at me getting all maudling . On a more cheerful note , it 's your Mums birthday on Sunday , she says she doesn 't want to celebrate but I will send her a card , Mummy Enstein . Better not put that in it or she will kill me I managed to clear some of the garden at the weekend , all I need to do is get a rubbish clearance company in now to get rid of all the broken pots . They can go in the coal bunker , there must be some humungous spiders in there and there is no way I am putting my hand in . Petrus offered so I might take him up on it and get the clearance organised . It 's Saturday , of all the days I can lay in bed what happens ? I am wide awake before my alarm would have gone off and raring to get going . I bought the kids a paddling pool yesterday so I decided I was going to blow it up and fill it with water . OMG , I finally took it from the Argos bag and it was the size of an Olympic pool . Truely you would have pissed yourself laughing . It took all my strength just to pull it out of the box , and when I did it was the length of the back living room . Blow it up ? Er I don 't think so , I know I can be full of hot air at times , but there was no way I could have done it . I had gone and bought a family swimming centre . 6ft long , 3 ft wide and 4 foot deep ! ! Duh . Plan B was a quick hike to Morrisons for a more modest one , I also bought a pump for the large one and put an emergency call out on Facebook . Someone is collecting it on Monday . I have discovered Spotify . I was playing Angel Face by the Glitterband and telling Kai and Sian about the time we trekked all over the place trying to buy a copy . It was boiling hot and every place we went to said they didn 't have it . eventually we went to Keddies and the snotty cow told us it wasn 't being released until the following week . God that shop was somethinge else wasn 't it ? It was always like walking into a jumble sale , no one ever kept the clothes tidy . I don 't know where we got it in the end , but it got played continuiously , I know that . I have the kids staying tonight , we had a barby today , it was supposed to be a hot day , but turned out mediocre . Sian decided she didn 't want to go in the pool , she didn 't like the flys that kept going in it . Teeny flies invisible to the naked eye . All in all the whole paddling pool thing turned into a bit of a wash out , although I did manage to clear an area of the garden that has been looking like a tip forever ! I have left a wild bit up the top , the bees like the green Alkanet and we need the bees . Well , this is a short but sweet one today , the bedroom is looking like a Chinese laundry and the kids have got to get into the bed somehow . LOL . I will write again soon . P . S I just thought about the humanist guy who conducted your funeral , he said you were a great cook and I thought about the time you were making cottage pie and had to use instant mash because you had run out of potatoes . You made it too runny and slopped it on my plate where I slopped it straight into the bin . I did smile , you didn 't come up to scratch that day . Hahahahahahaha I start this letter with some terribly sad news , last week I went to a funeral . As funerals go , it wasn 't too bad a send off , but seeing that coffin go past in the hearse , I couldn 't quite bring myself to look . You were in it and it just didn 't make any sense . Yes I knew you had been ill for quite sometime , I had even spoken to you a few hours before you travelled on to the great beyond , but there was this wooden box and you , my , friend were resting in it . From what I remember , the flowers were really beautiful but the coffin going past didn 't really compute . Your friend Ragnhild was there . I hugged her as she stepped out of the car and couldn 't let go , the last time I had seen her was when we visited her at her house in Norway . Eventually I had to force myself into the chapel . I sat and held Ragnhilds hand , to comfort her and myself . You know , I don 't think I ever heard you play Jim Croce . time in a bottle . Gill Robb and Shaun Briggs were there , Gill said you used to play it a lot when you were kids . Sometimes Clank you are a dark horse . Obviously I knew you liked Enigma , so return to innocence was no big surprise , nor was the Norwegian song , the title I can 't pronouce , let alone sing . I must confess , I wasn 't keen on that one . It was one of those times when we would have to agree to disagree . As the curtain closed , the humanist guy who conducted your service , said ' now we must say goodbye to Sharon ' well I am sorry , I made a complete tit of myself and sobbed into Ragnhilds shoulder , telling her I didn 't want to . I then listened to ' I love to boogie ' by T - Rex . Now that song really was your thing , but it couldn 't so much as raise a toe wiggle . I was not going to say goodbye , no way . So I walked out into the bright sunshine and put you in a little box at the back of my mind . Samm was outside , I gave her a hug , no point in holding a grudge , it was about you and she did look really sad . we had a little chat then went and waited on the grass . The undertaker handed us all a balloon each and at the count of 3 we let goThose balloons soared higher and higher up into the beautiful blue sky . I stood transfixed for ages watching them go up and up and up , a plane passed them and still we could see them . They floated as one , it was an amazing thing to see . We went to the Rising sun after , it was gorgeous sitting outside in the sun . I don 't really remember much , I do know that when the time came for Jo and Billy to leave I felt this great sadness that I probably wouldn 't see them again for a long time if ever . I did invite them to London though and promised that if ever I am in the area in a boat I would give them a call to come along for the day . I slipped some money in an envelope into your mums bag to help the girls out a bit , the housing association want rent for a month ! ! Bastards ! I told your Mum when she told me off the next day , it 's only what you would have done for me if you could . I went to the house on Saturday morning to see Lise and Ragnhild . It felt strange being in your house without you there . Lise had been cleaning , so the kitchen didn 't have that lived in look , just for a moment , you popped out of that box in my head , and I felt this horrendous bolt in the pit of my stomach as I realised , after that day , I would never set foot in the house again . I hugged Lise , it felt like I was saying goodbye to her too , I told her to keep in touch with me as I had watched her grow up and she felt like family to me . When I left the house , she and Ragnhild cried , I had to pull the car over a little further on so that I could cry too . I went to see Mumsey , Paul and LM . LM was with her boyfriend , she actually allowed me to give her a hug . wonders will never cease . : - ) I hope she doesn 't come crashing down once everything has been sorted out , she looks so depressed , which in the circumstances is only to be expected . As usual i got a great big Paul crush when I left On the way home , I decided to take the spooky route , which meant we stopped off at Cheerbrooks . I sat and remembered the last time I was there . It was with you , on a nice spring afternoon , we were looking at the pond . Remember ? I went back to work on Monday , and this week has been one bloody meeting after another . In some ways it has kept me occupied , and in others it has been a bother . Samm sent me a friend request on Facebook which I accepted , we had a little facebook chat as you do . She says that Barbara has pushed everyone away and is alone and bitter . Sadly I don 't care . It was her choice . LM banned them from the funeral , Kelvin did ask about the arrangements , but she just ignored the message . I got a new phone today , a Samsung galaxy S4 , I rang your mobile and heard you say . hi this is Sharon , leave me a message . It was so nice to hear your voice . I got a colleague to delete your contact details after , I walked into my office and before I knew it great big tears were rolling down my face . I wasn 't expecting that , I thought I was ready to do it . I can remember your mobile number anyway , after all , it was my mobile number for a long time before I gave it to you . Well it 's bedtime , so I must bring this letter to a close . I miss you my dear friend , it feels as if all our times together have disappeared , I know they will return , but you are not here to share them so they have faded into the mists for a bit . I hope you are well and happy , if you see my Mum tell her I love her . I will write to you soon .
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Tuesday , December 1st was a big day for our Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu Project . After many months of working towards our goal , we brought the kids from Lutfotja Methodist Primary school that are a part of this project , HIV + and receiving monthly medication to the newly opened satellite Baylor - Bristol - Meyers Squibb Children 's Clinical Center of Excellence in Manzini . Let me explain what a milestone this is for our project and our kids . Baylor College of Medicine in Houston has a Children 's foundation in Swaziland which is an international non - profit non - governmental organization founded as a partnership between Baylor International Pediatric AIDS Initiative and the government of Swaziland . In 2006 it opened the Baylor College of Medicine Bristol Myers - Squibb Children 's Clinical Centre of Excellence - Swaziland ( COE ) in Mbabane which is a state - of - the - art Pediatric AIDS facility that tests , treats and cares for children and their families that are HIV + . It is very impressive but more importantly it provides the best care and treatment possible for those who attend their facility . They also operate satellite clinics in two cities in Swaziland , one of which is at the RFM Hospital / Clinic in Manzini . The clinic in Manzini was operating out of several of their existing rooms in the RFM 's pediatric clinic . They did a phenomenal job , with the little space and resources they had in Manzini . They were slated to open a new clinic on the grounds of the RFM in Manzini in February , 2009 . After funding and other delays , they finally opened the new clinic the last week of November , 2009 . Since August , 2008 , we have been paying the transport costs for 7 children and their primary caregiver to go to various clinics to receive their monthly medication . Most went to the Baylor clinic at RFM but some went to outlying rural clinics to receive their medication . The care and treatment at these rural clinics is not at the same level as the care and treatment at Baylor . Doctors are usually not present at the rural clinics , sometimes they run out of medication and we had one child who received the wrong dosage over 6 months ago and has been ill ever since . Thoko and I started talking about trying to get all of our kids to Baylor in RFM in the fall of 2008 . Baylor asked for us to wait until their new satellite clinic opened in 2009 because of the space limitation . Thoko and I wanted all of our kids at Baylor in RFM for many reasons . One is that the care is superior and if the child is ill with an HIV opportunistic disease , they also treat that disease . Another reason is that it would be easier for us to communicate and coordinate with Baylor , the school , the parents and our volunteers . In addition , it would save us ( Thoko , the other volunteers and I ) a lot of time , worry and transport money for us to make sure the school and the parents have the money for transport before the child 's visit . We also hope that this will unite the children and families so they can support each other in living positively with HIV . Thoko was the main driver of this initiative . She talked to the Baylor nurses several times and of course she was the one who talked to the parents explaining what was required to make this happen . My role , as always , is to be supportive , assist when possible and play my white American trump card if needed which I rarely need to do . In addition , it was easier for the Baylor ( American ) Dr . to communicate with me just as it was easier for the Baylor nurses ( Swazi ) , the parents , and the school counselor / head teacher to communicate with Thoko . As part of this move , we also added 7 more children to our prFinally , we had everything set . We picked Tuesday , 12 / 1 to be the day of our first visit . We picked that day because it was the first week that the new satellite clinic was open and the last day we could do this before I left and everyone involved felt it would be best if I was present to assist as needed . We also had the school counselor and the Lutfotja Methodist Church CCS that is our voice , arms and legs in the community when Thoko and I can 't be there to come with the children . So we hired a kombi ( van ) to pick everyone up at 8 : 00 from Lutfotja and bring them to Manzini . Of course the kombi didn 't leave at 8 : 00 so things didn 't go quite as quick as we had hoped . But considering everything , things went really well . It was good all four of us were there to assist . It was a little confusing for awhile . It was a good thing that I was there because I could explain things quicker and easier to the Baylor receptionists , nurses and Dr . and Thoko could communicate with the parents and kids easier . The nurses , Dr . and I decided that the second Tuesday of each month would be " Methodist day " at Baylor . We will be working together to get all of our kids on the same schedule and keep them there . I also promised that we would make sure that the parent or guardian of each child comes each time so that we will have been communication regarding the child 's care . Our plan is that the Lutfotja CCS would come with the children and then our committee would meet them at Baylor . Eventually we hope to get women from St . Paul 's to bring lunch to the children before they go back home . The day went really well . The parents , school counselor and the Lutfotja CCS were so appreciative . Baylor was pleased that we will be there to help with communication and follow - thru with the children and their families . We really couldn 't have asked for a bigger success . It wasn 't until the next morning that I realized that December 1st was World AIDS Day ( even though I knew it ) and that we had commemorated that day by improving the treatment these children that are HIV + will get . How awesome is that ? It is one of those moments when it does feel good to be able to do something that will really improve a child 's situation and hopefully their life . Praise God . Posted by The Sunday before I left to come back to the States ( 11 - 29 ) I went to visit Thini and see Nonjabulo and her mom Nonhlanhla . I almost didn 't recognize Nonjabulo when I walked in the door ! She was so adorable sitting propped up on the couch with a cute frilly little dress on . ( I know they dressed her up just for my visit . ) She is the sweetest little girl . I picked her up and she fussed a bit so her mom ( who was hanging up the wash when I arrived ) came right in to quickly nurse her for just a bit and then Nonjabulo was ready to play and smile . Praise God this child is doing so well . I can 't remember how much she weighs now , but her weight had come up considerably ( for her ) and she was actually feeling a bit heavy . I say it again , Praise God ! The other purpose for my visit was to deliver some " specially formulated " sorghum porridge I purchased to try with some of the kids who are having trouble getting well or are very underweight . 100 % of the daily vitamins and minerals have been added to this porridge so if there is a problem with obtaining proper nutrition , one serving of this should be all they need , though it isn 't enough to fill their stomachs for the day . This is advertised as tasting very similar to the sour porridge or store bought porridge that would normally be eaten . Nonjabulo and her mom are two of my " test " cases . The feed back I received is that it is " very nice . " I looked at another replacement option that was developed in the US and while it is a cheaper alternative than this sorgum porridge , the people don 't like the taste because it isn 't anything similar to what the people are used to eating and therefore they won 't eat it or they take out the soy bits and eat only the rice which defeats the purpose . The problem is making sure they people who I 've given it to eat a single serving every day and that they don 't give it away to someone else in their family or community who is in need . The first time I gave Thini 3 bags of this porridge , she gave one away to a child in her community who was very sick with HIV and TB and was severely underweight . I tried to tell her that the porridge was special for Nonjabulo and her mom , but realized Thini 's action is what makes her Thini . This type of behavior is known as Ubuntu . Ubuntu is the essence of being human . Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can 't exist as a human being in isolation . It speaks about our interconnectedness . You can 't be human all by yourself , and when you have this quality - Ubuntu - you are known for your generosity . Ubuntu and love describe Thini . So while I can 't be sure this porridge will actually benefit Nonjabulo and her mom , I have to have faith that it will . This is just one more situation where I have to let go and Let God handle it . The other problem with feeding people in this way is that once you start , you have to continue feeding them . I 'm not sure if I will continue with this project when I return from the States . It 's expensive and hard to manage with individual families and it isn 't feasible to prepare and serve to an entire school . I wanted to give it a try and see the affect on the three families I 've given it to . Generally speaking , giving people food is not the right answer . I just felt I had to try something because malnutrition is such an issue . The Swazi 's eat a lot of maize - in sour porridge in the morning , at noon time a thicker version with a few sugar beans in a sauce over the maize , and then again in the evening . Malnutrition is more of a result of what they eat rather than whether or not they get enough to eat each day . A diet of mainly maize no matter how much they eat will result in malnutrition unless they can add a lot more protein and other vitamins and minerals . I 'm praying for guidance and wisdom in this matter . Posted by On Saturday , November 28th , Siphiwe and Lwethu got married . For those of you who may not remember or who may be new to my blog , when I arrived in Swaziland Siphiwe was there on a two year assignment as a Pastor 's assistance and local preacher . I think he was about 23 or 24 when I first arrived . He is very tall , kind of quiet but has a great sense of humor . He is a wonderful young man . He reminded me a lot of my sons . He was my angel . He went with me wherever I needed to go , showed me the ropes and introduced me to people . He taught me a lot especially about the culture . I call him my South African son . I know that he has no idea how much his presence and help meant to me . I 'm not sure I could have made it through those first few months without him . Over the year and a half that we were both in Swaziland , I also discovered that he has wisdom and spiritual insights way beyond his young years . He left Swaziland last December to be an associate pastor in a church in South Africa . He was taking correspondence courses during his assignment in Swaziland and during this past year in SA . He passed all his courses and now will start a two year program at Seminary . While in Swaziland , Siphiwe met a really nice young Swazi woman named Lwethu . Even though he swore to me that he would never marry a Swazi woman because he was looking forward to going back to SA , love prevailed . She is very sweet , pretty quiet but also has a great sense of humor . She is going to make a very good pastor 's wife . So , Saturday was the first part of their wedding . It held in Swaziland . The wedding was beautiful . I cried . What more can I say ? Ok , so there is a bit more . The wedding was very western and similar to what you might expect to see in the states . The wedding was supposed to start at 9 : 30 . I arrived at 9 : 35 a bit upset I was late . There was only one other person and the Bishop there . About an hour later people started arriving and at 11 : 30 , the wedding finally began . The wedding was held at a hotel . I don 't really know why , but I 'm told weddings don 't necessarily happen in churches , evidently not even for Pastors . The room was decorated in their colors : silver and hot pink . They announce what their wedding colors are on the invitation . It is amazing how many people came dressed in silver and hot pink . The wedding program was very similar to the wedding I attended last September . ( I wrote a blog on that wedding also . ) I love how the bride 's attendants and the groomsmen dance down the isle . Then the groom came in from the front of the accompanied by a female member of his family ( I think a cousin ) . He had his own music playing for his dance from the front of the room to about halfway down the isle . His music was " How Great Thou Art " . ( Yep , I cried for that too . ) His cousin sat down in the audience . Then Lwethu walked down the isle on the arm of her very proud Uncle . ( I didn 't realize until then that both of her parents had passed away . Her Uncle raised her . ) They walk down the isle very , very slowly . One thing I 've noticed is that they leave the brides dress so long that some one has to move it each time she takes a step so she doesn 't trip on it . Lwethu looked very , very nervous and I could tell she was crying . I was so worried for her . When they reached Siphiwe , the Minister performing the service asked who would give the bride away . Her uncle responded and then Siphiwe and Lwethu walked the rest of the way to the front together . I think that is real sweet . The service was a bit different because so many ministers were involved . Rev . France Mabuvso , a newly ordained full Reverend in Central Swaziland Circuit was the Master of Ceremonies . Rev . Sikumbuzo Ngama , the former superintendent gave the opening prayer . The Bishop , Rev . Sizwa , performed the service and signed the marriage certificate . Rev . Kanana Nyamaka , the current superintendent for Central Swaziland Circuit gave the beneficiation . Just before the benediction , all of the reverends and pastors who were attending circled the couple and prayed for them . That was awesome . After the vows were said and the rings exchanged , the Bishop had two chairs brought down from the table where the wedding party sits during the service . This table is located where we would normally have an altar . Siphiwe and Lwethu sat in front of the audience facing the Bishop . The Bishop said he was going to speak to the Siphiwe and Lwethu but we would be able to hear what he had to say . He also said he was going to speak in English because he " looses too many words when he has to speak in Siswati . " I was so happy . The Bishop spoke about colors and paint brushes . Basically saying they can paint their marriage any color they choose . They can paint it happy or paint it miserable . It is their choice which they must make every day and they must paint it together . He also told Siphiwe it was his job to totally love Lwethu . And he told Lwethu it was her job to totally respect Siphiwe in all he does . The Bishop went on to say that Siphiwe has to love Lwethu so much that she has no choice but to love him back and that she has to respect Siphiwe so much that he has no choice but to respect her back . It was an interesting way to put it , but considering the culture it was the perfect way to make his point . As the Bishop spoke , he required responses from both of them , and if he didn 't get an answer he asked the question again and didn 't move on until he got answer . What pressure ! Just before the benediction , all of the reverends and pastors who were attending circled the couple and prayed for them . That was awesome . After the wedding a meal was served and just like in the US , Siphiwe and Lwethu went around to each guest and gave them a little box of mints . There wasn 't a cake cutting ceremony because the cake is cut with the explanation of why they are cutting the cake as one during the wedding ceremony . There also wasn 't dancing , but that may have been because shortly after the wedding and reception all of the family and certain " family representatives " headed to South Africa to where Siphiwe 's family lives . Sunday morning there was another ceremony during which and they both wore their wedding clothes . Then everyone changed into traditional clothing and the bride was taken to the groom 's family 's home . She presented traditional gifts to the family and then there was a celebration meal which included a braai ( cookout ) . The only down point of the wedding , is the same thing that detracts from every service here . Everyone takes pictures . They just get up and walk right down in front no matter what is going on and take pictures . I kept thinking that in the US , the bride and the photographer would be furious that this was happening . I couldn 't get very many pictures , in part because there was always someone taking a picture in the way . It was a great day . And I pray the young couple will be very happy and find a way to grow in their marriage to each other and their love of the Lord even though for part of the time they will be separated because of his studies and then possibly because of where he will be assigned as a minister . Their life won 't be easy , but I am sure it will be very blessed . I am writing this from the airport in Johannesburg , South Africa . I am on my way back to Texas for the holidays . I will return to Swaziland towards the end of February . The past week or so has been very full and a lot has happened . I will try to update you a little bit at a time over the next few days in an attempt to shorten the blog postings . Last Thursday ( Thanksgiving Day ) we went to pay a home visit on a family out in the rural area . The family consists of a mother , father , two grown children and an auntie . All of them are mentally challenged ; some obviously more than others . As is usually the case , it is hard to see the severe need and conditions . But one thing I noticed is how involved the community was in helping the family . The family 's mud and stick houses had collapsed in the rain but the community came together to rebuild them for the family . They even put in a very nice concrete floor . It was elevated just a bit above the ground so that even in a severe downpour the water won 't seep through . As I sat there looking at the beautiful blue sky with white clouds and bright green grass on the hills I couldn 't help but be so thankful that I get to spend my Thanksgiving Day out in the rural area of Swaziland with dear , sweet sisters in Christ . As I sat marveling at how beautiful God 's creation is , praying for the people in the homestead as well as at home in the States I made a long mental list of blessings I am so thankful for . I was going to post them on my blog , but time got away from me and it didn 't happen . Every day since then has been full of nonstop commitments or things to tie up before leaving for the States . Thini brought one of the orange boxes that were donated to the Manyano several months ago . They have basic home care items in them such as gloves , soap , Vaseline , bandages , notebook , pen , etc . that one might need to use when visiting a homestead , especially if the person is sick . Thini , the amazing , wonderful loving spirit that she is did her little dance while singing praises to the Lord as she brought the box over to the CCS ( Christian Care Service ) for that community . After visiting the homestead the three of us stopped by to visit Nomile which of course we all enjoyed . Then I rushed home for a shower and then went up to Mbabane to Steve and Monica 's house for thanksgiving dinner . They are long term missionaries from the US . It was a wonderful time in beautiful surroundings filled with beautiful Christian fellowship . I am very thankful for the opportunity God has given me to serve Him in Swaziland . The following two pictures were taken from the inside of my car when we pulled up to Lomngeletjane . The kids just swarmed my car . I actually had to tell some of the kids to " hamba " ( go ) in an attempt to get them to back away just a bit from my car so I wouldn 't drive over their toes ! And then there were so many hands for me to touch as I said hello to each child . And of course there was the other Nothando . She always comes up and stands quietly by me with a big smile waiting for me to say " Hi Nothando " to her . She thinks it is so great that we have the same name . Oh to be loved and wanted . I am going to miss all these kids while I am in the States but I can 't allow myself to think of that yet . Nomile has hit her goal weight of 8 . 6 kg ( almost 19 lbs ) ! Normally she would be released tomorrow , but we have to find a place for her to go . Please keep praying that they don 't make her go back to her grandparent 's house or surrounding area , and that the social worker can get her into ABC House in Bulembu . Thoko gave me a pair of sandals to take to Nomile . They were a little big on her but she loved them . Most of the time she was trying to take them off and then put them back on again . She was making sounds even more today than yesterday . I swear she said " down " one time after I said it to her . And Nomile is no longer afraid of the camera . When she saw the flash when I took the first picture she laughed out loud and then wanted to come closer while I did it again . She also liked looking at herself on the camera . Oh , but she cried so when I put her back in her crib and said bye - bye . It breaks my mother 's heart , just as it did every day when my kids were little and I would have to say good bye to them when I went off to work . Posted by What a day . I got a few things done this morning that I had planned , but not as much as I had hoped considering I only have a l little more than a week before I leave to come home . However , the big thing that happened today is that Thoko gave Nomile 's grandfather transport money so he could come meet us at the hospital and talk to Nomile 's social worker . She thought he would probably feel more free to tell the real story if the grandmother wasn 't around . ( Thoko is sure that his wife , Nomile 's grandmother abuses him as well . ) We were supposed to meet him at the hospital at noon , but Thoko was in a meeting that went longer than she thought it would . So by the time Thoko and I went to the hospital it was close to 2 : 00 . We didn 't see him outside where she had told him to meet her so we went to see Nomile . We walked in the door and the grandfather was sitting on a chair . Nomile was sitting in her crib . My heart stopped . I really didn 't want the grandfather to see Nomile , especially without Thoko and I because I was worried how Nomile would react or what was going through her little mind . Nomile was not her normal self . I 've noticed that when there is more than one person giving her attention , she doesn 't seem to be able to handle it . She just kind of withdraws into her original behavior . I 've also noticed if something is uncomfortable , such as when she wets her nappie , that she briefly withdraws . I wasn 't surprised to find her unresponsive again . To my surprise , she did hold her hands out to me and let me hold her and rock her . She leaned her head against my lips , the signal for more kisses . She gave a couple of small smiles , but not even close to what I saw yesterday . Thoko said the grandfather could not believe she was the same child . Thoko took him to speak with the social worker and I stayed with Nomile . ( Aw , too bad . . . NOT ! ) Nomile and I had such fun . She is now saying " bababa " and I said " mamamama " to her and she repeated me . She was reaching out for me to play with her even more than yesterday . All of the nursesWhen Thoko came back , she told me that the grandfather told the social worker everything . The story is unbelievable . The grandfather was actually praying that the grandmother would kill the child so that she would be out of her pain and misery . I can understand his desperation , but a grandparent praying that prayer is beyond my comprehension . He told the social worker about the shack she had to sleep in alone whether it was cold , hot or raining . He told her he thought she would die by the end of the day the morning he had another child carry her to Thoko 's house . He told the social worker that the child couldn 't come home and couldn 't even go home with someone in the area because his wife would make life miserable for Nomile and whoever took her in . Thoko talked to her about the ABC House at Bulembu and the social worker said they could probably make that happen but that they wouldn 't be able to put her up for adoption . I assume the main reason is because there is not documented proof that the father and mother of the child are alive or dead . Thoko told the social worker that we didn 't care about that , but that she and I wanted the child to be in a place where we knew she would be loved and cared for . She also told her that I would really like to know the child will be safe before I leave for home . The social worker said the grandfather would have to sign an affidavit and he said he would sign it . He does not want her to come home . I had chills as Thoko was telling me about the visit . On one hand the behavior of the grandparents is unfathomable to me ; on the other hand I am thanking God for wrapping his arms around this child and saving her . I want to cry and shout for joy at the same time . Nothing is a done deal yet , so we have to be cautious and diligent to make this happen , but I know in my heart that the Lord is answering all of our prayers . And the grandfather is now saying a prayer of thanks and praying that the child gets moved to ABC House or someplace that will love and care for Nomile . The social worker that is in charge of Nomile 's case is on holiday this week , so we will have to follow up with her next Monday , but Thoko said both social workers had been to visit Nomile and said that it was so clearly evident that the child had been abused . I think just about everyone knows Nomile 's story . I was actually almost as afraid for the grandfather when he entered the malnutrition unit as I was for Nomile 's reaction . Lucky for him , all of the mothers and babies who were there when she was admitted have now gone . By the way , the grandfather and Nomile look a lot a like . You can certainly tell they are related . And in case you haven 't gathered , Nomile has discovered the camera isn 't a bad thing ! This last picture is her making her great little motor boat sound . Posted by Thursday Thoko and I went to measure some of the Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu kids at Lutfotja for uniforms , shoes , etc . and to see how they are doing . It was another cold , rainy day . The roads were really bad . We went to the High School to ask when school reports were coming out and I just slipped and slid down the road . When we got back to Manzini Thoko and I stopped in to see Nomile . Nomile was in a bad mood . I think she wasn 't feeling well . We couldn 't get a smile out of her no matter how hard we tried and she didn 't want to be held or touched . We stayed for a little while and then left . It was still raining . It rained all night long and all day Friday and Friday night without letting up . By Friday , I was so tired of looking at the torrent of water and the mud and being cold that I stayed home all day with a blanket wrapped around me . I didn 't even go visit Nomile , which I did feel bad about . Saturday morning the rain stopped . Briefly . I did some things on the computer and then decided I better eat some breakfast . Breakfast didn 't go in my stomach well but I kept going . I went to visit one of the members of St . Paul 's that had some clothes to give Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu . We visited for a couple of hours and by then it had stopped raining for good . My plan was to go from her house to the hospital . By the time I left her house I was achy , really sick to my stomach and my head hurt so i went home . Tylenol helped . This morning I awoke to the sun shining , birds singing and the sounds of soccer players glad to be playing after so many days of rain . I was feeling better , but still not great . So I took more Tylenol and took a nap instead of going to church . By afternoon I was feeling a bit better and went to see Nomile . I was feeling real bad that no one had gone to see her since Thursday and that was not a good visit . I walked into the Malnutrition Unit and she was lying in her bed , but she smiled as soon as she saw me . I laid my head down on the bed with her and talked to her and then started tickling her . I just love that sweet girl 's laugh . It is so precious . I spent about three hours playing with her , giving her the special milk to drink a couple of times , rocking and singing to her . I brought some bubbles but she didn 't really know what to think about them . The greatest thing is that she is now making some noise and she initiated touching me ( hitting my hand and patting me as I rocked her ) . She is the best little motor boat there is and she was making all the little sounds I 've been making to her . Once she even said " ba " when I blew the bubbles . I held her for a long time singing " Jesus Loves You " to her and she was humming with me . ( I have this thing that I always change the words to Jesus Love You when I 'm singing to a baby or little one . I know He loves me , I want them to know He loves them . ) The ladies and nurse 's aide kept laughing at how happy she was . I understood as a new mom said to one of the moms that has been there for awhile that I loved Nomile . Towards the end while I was rocking her she cuddled her head up next to my neck and fell asleep . I tried to put her in her crib so I could leave , but of course she woke up and cried . I held my hands out and she got up and came to me . I could tell the mothers thought I was spoiling her . But as I rocked her , I whispered in her ear that Grandma Shirley ( my mom ) would say I 'm not spoiling her . She would say Nomile just needs to be held and rocked a little more . Soon it was time for her to have another drink of her milk , and after that I kissed her goodbye and left . She didn 't cry , but those big sad eyes of hers make me feel so bad when I leave her . Most of the kids that were in the malnutrition unit have been released . Only three other kids that have been there for a while still remain and one of them is an orphaned child born to parents from Mozambique . They don 't know what they are going to do with her , so in the meantime they keep her in the malnutrition unit where she receives a bit more care and it 's not as noisy as it is on the regular ward . They 've moved Nomile into the crib next to hers . Most people play and talk to both children as they walk by . There was a new small child . I don 't know the child 's age and the mother must not speak English . The child is quite a bit taller than Nomile . But the child was either seizing most of the time I was there , or has very , very severe cerebral palsy . My guess is she was having slight seizures and has severe cerebral palsy . That was real sad to see . I know there isn 't going to be much that can be done for the child . The mother was taking such care in feeding it spoonfuls of milk ; wiping the child 's mouth after every spoonful . The child reminded me of a few of the kids I worked with at the State home in Southern Indiana . I can 't believe the pain and hardship the mothers and the children who are handicapped endure in this country . I am even more amazed that so many handicapped children and adults are alive because not that long ago they would have been killed . I know that many of these children are alive because their mothers or gogos refused to follow cultural tradition and kept them alive many times risking abuse to themselves and certainly not receiving any help to care for the child . That is true love . The Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu kids from Lutfotja . Our little family has grown . We are now seeing that 14 children get to the clinic to get their monthly ARVs and medical care for other illnesses as needed . We have about 6 or 7 families that we help in other ways as appropriate . Today was a great day in spite of the fact that once again today I didn 't have enough water to do anything . But I decided I wasn 't going to let that get to me . I keep a couple of 5 litre bottles of water in my house for days when I don 't have water . So I heated some up on the stove so I could take a makeshift shower and wash my breakfast dishes . Then I was off to the paint store to buy more paint for the teacher 's house . I took it up to Lomngeletjane and then headed to Cashbuild in Matsapha to buy more cement ( Yes , AGAIN . I swear I don 't know where it all goes . ) I also got bricks for the stove I am having built this weekend for Lomngeletjane . The guy , who always takes my order , asked me how much he charges me for transport . We discuss this every time I come . I told him that he had been charging me 150 rand the last couple of trips , but I would really like it if he would charge me 75 rand . And he said why ? And as always I said because I am buying the materials for the church to build a school and I 've spent a fortune at this store over the last two years . He shook his head as normal , but when I got in the car I saw that today he gave me the transport for 75 rand ! By the grace of God I managed to get all of this done and get to Bible Study just a few minutes late . Amazing . After Bible study I went back to Matsapha to pick up the steel frames for the stove . It took me about 45 minutes of driving up and down just about every street in Matsapha until I finally found the place . I called the place I was trying to find 3 times for directions . I kept asking for a street name and the woman would say " Precious , you will never find us if I give you the name of the street . " Granted half the time the street signs aren 't pointing in the correct direction , but they do help this American figure out if I am at least in the ball park . I finally found it and actually felt like I had conquered one more thing in Swaziland . I should have been writing down all these little successes over the last 2 + years . Two years ago I would have been close to tears . Today I just kept going on street after street going partly on instinct knowing that eventually I would find the place . After getting the frames I drove back up to Lomngeletjane to drop them off . Then I went to St . Paul 's to see if the groundskeeper could wash my car since I wouldn 't be going up to Lomngeletjane again until Friday . I started a pot of chicken soup ( yes , I pretty much live on this stuff ) and then went to the hospital to see Nomile . When I approached the door and looked in the window , she saw me and gave me the cutest , greatest smile I think I 've ever seen . My new routine seems to be picking her up , hugging and kissing her and then changing her nappie ( diaper ) . She knows that I am changing her , and not laying her down to leave . Then we play . She is starting to make some sounds - pre - babbling . She loves it when I tickle her and get her toes . Then after a while all of a sudden she stopped laughing and playing . I wondered if she was tired so I started rocking her and singing Jesus Loves Me to her . She kind of hummed along with me . After a bit , when I could tell she was close to falling asleep I laid her in her bed and covered her up . She let me cover her and kiss her and didn 't cry this time . The nurse had asked me to stop by her office when I left , so I did . She said the Dr . had ordered an ointment for her and the hospital didn 't have it . The Dr . had told them to tell me so I could buy it from a chemist in town . They also thanked me profusely and shared how excited they are that Nomile is doing so well . I thanked them for all that they are doing for her . As I was walking to my car , I couldn 't help but think how God has changed my path . In 2006 I had a vision of returning to Africa to rock babies . Over 4 years later , it has finally happened . I feel like this is why I was called here : to rock this one child . It is a feeling I can 't explain . But as I walk through the hospital and clinic , so many people from the Doctors to the security guards smile and say hello . I was thinking back to when I would walk through the hospital where my mom and sometimes my dad was and how that became almost like a second home and realized it was the same feeling as I now have walking through this hospital / clinic . When you aren 't afraid to drive up , up , up the very squishy , muddy road in the rain to Lomngeletjane to deliver the paint for the teacher 's house so it can hopefully be finished before you come home . John and the head teacher couldn 't believe I actually made it up there . ( You 'd think they would have figured out by now I don 't give up easily ! ) And most definitely when you can 't give enough praises to God for answering your prayers to heal this innocent child . Nomile now weighs 7 . 45 kg . Her goal weight is 8 . 6 kg . I can no longer feel every bony bump in her spine . She kept openly looking at me with the sweetest smile and just a hint of a dimple . She is camera shy , but I managed to get a couple of pictures of her drinking her formula . When she finished I put her down and motioned for her to take her cup to the kitchen so the nurse 's aid could wash it . The nurse 's aid was so thrilled . First the good news : Lomngeletjane is coming along . The plumber ran into an issue of mounting the geyser ( hot water heater ) but between he and John they think they worked out what needed to be done . Of course it meant another trip to the hardware store to buy more items . John has the Septic tank finished and the French drain is almost finished . He has started patching the plaster in spots where the plumber had to knock some out or the small spots that he missed when he did the plastering . The greatest news was that some of the parents , mainly mothers and gogos , where there to put up the fencing the government gave them for a school garden . They gave Lomngeletjane enough for a garden 70m by 100m . John decided to use the existing perimeter fence on two sides and then use the new fence for the other two sides , Thus allowing the fencing to go far enough to surround not only the school garden , but the orchard they are planting . I am very excited and encouraged by John 's thinking and that so many people came out to help put up the fence . The bad news is that sometime last week during a power outage due to one of the many storms we have been having , someone stole the electrical wires from the pole to the church and ripped out the wire that goes into the meter box . The church / school has to replace the wires to the meter box and then the electric company will come out and replace the main electrical wires that were stolen . I just can 't believe that mentality , but it happens all the time . The thugs take it to recycling places and sell it for the copper . I told John he needs to tell the police that they need to go hang out at the recycling places and arrest everyone that doesn 't have some sort of a license to have this stuff . The lack of electricity means we can 't pump water which means we can 't test the plumbing and it is harder to get water to mix the cement , though this part is doable . I ended my day by going by the hospital to visit with Nomile . Thini was walking in directly ahead of her . Nomile cried at Thini at first , but when I came closer she put her arms out for me to hold her . Of course after a while she started kind of grunting / whining , so Thini took her and she settle in just fine . Then she started it again so I I took her back and she actually fell asleep while I was rocking her . I kept rocking her for a while , but then decided we should leave so I could get home before dark . Of course she woke up crying when we put her in bed . One of the nurses came in while we were there and wondered who Thini was . She thought she was the gogo . ( If I was the gogo I wouldn 't be brave enough to show my face around that place . ) I explained who she was . She explained to the nurse that was with her that I am the baby 's mother who brought her in . The nurse told me that she cries whenever I leave . I 'm not sure if she was trying to tell me not to leave , to stop coming or just making a statement . At any rate , I won 't stop coming , I can 't stay there and really don 't want to sleep on the floor knowing there are huge cockroaches and probably micChris I went to the hospital a little after 5 : 00 PM to see Nomile . Unfortunately my day was full and I couldn 't get there before then . As I was walking into the hospital two of the mom 's of other children on the malnutrition unit stopped me and told me that Nomile was doing good . When I got to the ward , she was laying in bed with the teddy bear I bought her on her chest . One of her hands was on it , but she wasn 't holding it . I picked her up and gave her a hug . She didn 't respond , but she didn 't pull away either . Then a few minutes later the nurses ' aide came in to give her the special formula to drink . I sat her back on her bed . The aide tried to give it to her but she turned away . I waited a minute or two and then picked her up and sat in a chair . The aide saw that she came to me and gave me the cup . I held it up to Nomile and she drank it right down . She even helped hold the cup ! I held her for about 2 hours . She never made a sound and she would sneak peaks at people or me but wouldn 't look directly at us . For the most part , she stayed in what ever position I put her in . I rocked her and hummed or sang softly to her , talked to her . Sometimes I would be talking to a couple of other babies in cribs next to her but I kept holding her and rubbing her bony little back . A few times she relaxed into my chest or leaned her head over to rest on me . I 'm taking that as a sign that she felt safe . I could just feel her soaking up my being . It was like we were one , even though she wasn 't holding on to me . The moms of the babies all talk and interact with the different babies in the room . If one is crying and the mom is gone , the others try to help out . I could tell that they were laughing and talking about me , but of course I don 't understand enough SiSwati to understand . Finally a mom asked me if I spoke SiSwati and I said no . They were surprised . Pretty soon the two moms that speak some English started asking me questions like where I live where I am from , if I have a husband , if I have kids , etc . When they found out I am from the US , then the questions changed to things such as will you take me to America ; will you get me a job ? ; etc . " They seemed surprised that I was making faces and baby sounds to a couple of the little ones so one finally asked me if I like kids . I told them yes and that seemed to amaze them for some reason . About 7 : 00 the aide came in again and handed me another cup of formula . Nomile drank it right down . I praised God and Nomile . Then I sat her in her bed , put the teddy bear back in her arms , pulled up the side of the crib , said bye - bye and left . She didn 't react or make a sound . She will one day . I just know she will . Meet Nomile ( no - meal lee ) . She is probably 2 + years old . No one really knows because she was abandoned by her mother and her father . Her mother dumped her at the father 's parents homestead when the child was about a year old which was around a year or so ago . The father 's mother ( Nomile 's grandmother ) has 12 children . Yes , twelve . Both the grandmother and grandfather are living . Six of the children live at home , with the youngest being about Nomile 's age . Nomile was basically abused and neglected by the grandmother and the grandfather did very little to nothing to protect or care for the child or to stop the grandmother from abusing this child . This child 's grandparents live on a homestead across the river from Thoko 's house . A couple of weeks ago Thoko asked me what she should do about this child and I suggested we bring the child to the hospital clinic to have a Doctor look at her and decide where we go from there . Thoko finally decided she would bring the child to the hospital clinic today . Matter - of - fact , yesterday evening I actually bought 2 nappies ( diapers ) for the child to wear when she came to the Doctor . As it turned out , one of the baby 's aunts brought Nomile to Thoko 's house at 6 : 00 am and said the grandmother said she was giving the child to Thoko . She didn 't want to deal with her anymore . Thoko cleaned up the child and found some clothes to put on her so she could bring her to the Doctor today . I met them at the hospital clinic around 10 : 00 this morning . I had planned on running a few errands ( delivering formula to Tiphelele and Nonjabulo ) and then meeting them at the clinic . However , I was still exhausted from yesterday 's events and so I was moving very slow this morning . Thoko and the Rural Health Motivator in her community said that as soon as the intake nurse looked at the child and started taking her vital statistics she said she would be admitted for severe malnutrition . I arrived as they were waiting to see the Doctor . The Doctor is the same one that looked at two boys we brought in last week . We walked into the examining room and he is sitting at a table reading the newspaper . He acted bored and like we were disturbing him . I immediately had to take a real deep breath to keep my feelings towards the Doctor in check . Thoko is very subservient to a person , especially a male of any authority , so it was hard for her to really open up to the Doctor and tell him about the child . I filled in some of the blanks answering in more detail . He asked what we were prepared to do for the child . We didn 't know what he was asking . I asked if he was talking about financial responsibility , because I would take care of what ever it cost to treat the child . He said no , he was talking about what we would do if he hospitalized her because that is what needed to happen . They expect a family member to accompany a child of her age in the hospital . I told the Doctor we would make a plan to do what needed to be done . I guess he finally realized we were sincere because he called a social worker . We went to her office and the bottom line is the child was admitted as a child without relatives . Nomile will be fed , cleaned and changed by nursing aides and the social worker will go investigate the homestead to see if Nomile will be able to return there when she is able to leave the hospital . Malnutrition is what I will call a silent , deceiving illness or state of health . To look at this child , she appears to be healthy - her cheeks and tummy are fat . But when they took her clothes off , you could see that her arms , legs , rib cage , shoulders and the shoulder blade area were nothing but bones with a little skin stretched on them . She weighed 6 . 5 kgs which is about 14 pounds . The hardest thing to see in this child is that just by looking at her you can tell she has been neglected and abused . She is afraid to move and afraid to look at anyone . Thoko told me the child was put in a hut by herself to sleep . This child doesn 't make a sound . You can tell that she is just trying to be invisible . When you hold her , it 's like holding a straight board . She doesn 't move . I held her and rocked her for a long time . She finally closed her eyes and was trying to sleep as I rocked her . Thoko touched her and she flinched back away from her . It was very interesting to see the reaction on the malnutrition unit . The unit was full . It had 9 or 10 babies in it . One baby was just 6 weeks old and weighed only 2 kgs - about 4 1 / 2 pounds . There was barely room to stand in the room . But all of the mothers and the staff gathered around Nomile 's crib asking questions . Then there was a very loud , heated , emotional discussion . I couldn 't understand what they were saying , but I could tell they were outraged by the state of this child , especially the very obvious abuse and neglect this child had gone through at the hands of her grandmother . One of the mothers went to a corner in the room and cried . I knew how she felt because I kept fighting back the tears myself . After Nomile was settled , Thoko and I took care of some other business and then went to buy a few things for Nomile . I also bought her a teddy bear . We took the things back to the hospital for her . While there the nurse 's aide came in and gave her the specially fortified formula to drink . She will be fed every 3 hours . They told us she will initially loose weight , because some of the weight she currently has is fluid built up in her body . Once her system starts working again she will loose some of that fluid and then start gaining weight . Her target weight for release from the hospital is 8 kgs . Thoko , the Rural Health Motivator and I will make a plan to rotate when we visit the child . We 're going to call Thini in as well . Our plan is to wrap this child in love because we know that her spirit needs to be nourished as much if not more than her body needs the nourishment . As I was holding her I thought of how sure I was that Scott was going to be a girl . We wanted a girl and because my pregnancy was so different I just knew he was a girl . Christopher wanted a baby sister , but God 's plan was for me to have two boys which as always I later realized was the best thing . But as I held Nomile today I also realized that this is the third very sick baby girl that God has put in my path . I also thought of the other children , mainly girls who have become so much a part of my life and I realized that God blessed me with boys as my biological children because he knew I would have many daughters here in Swaziland . Yesterday as I read my morning devotional , the target verse that stuck in my mind was Philippians 4 : 4 : " Rejoice in the Lord always ; again I will say , Rejoice . Let your gentleness be known to everyone . " The song " You can tell we are Christians by our ( talk , walk , smile , prayer , etc . ) " came into my heart and head . I prayed others would know I am a Christian by my actions and not ( unkind ) words . I thought this really applied to Christians at large , and especially those presently involved in conflicting views about some things pertaining to this circuit . Yesterday was one of the most frustrating , irritating days I have had since being in Swaziland . Thoko and went to try and get some information from the Social Welfare Dept about a child who may be being abused or at the least probably has some emotional issues because of past abuse or possible inherited mental illness . That was an exercise in futility . Then we went up to Lomngeletjane to talk to the head teacher about the situation with a couple of kids and then take 6 or 8 kids home after school so we could see just how far away their homestead is from school . First thing at Lomngeletjane I see the plumber has not been back to finish his work . He was supposed to be finished by Monday . He is holding up the finishing of the house . Grrr Then our talk about the child we are trying to find services for seemed to go now where . It seemed like every time we were on a path to a conscientious , the path made a u - turn . Finally it was time for school to end . So we gathered up the kids , and put them in the back of my Honda CRV to drive them to their homesteads . ( Yes , I had 6 or 8 kids sitting on top of each other in the far back of my car . ) The story we had was that these kids walk two hours one way to get to school each day . Most are in grade 1 . From what people have said ( without ever seeing their homesteads ) we thought they lived in an area where I knew there was a primary school and a Children 's Cup care point . In my mind we were going to the homesteads to convince the guardians to send the kids to that school instead of Lomngeletjane . The children didn 't live where I thought they lived and though there is a school which is a bit closer , the children would have to cross a river that floods when there is rain . I realized I was just frustrated , emotionally and physically tired , and angry at " parents " who drop their kids off at their parent 's house and then never help take of them even financially . In reality , I was just plain cranky . I sat in my car as Thoko went to visit all of the homesteads . I used the security of my car as my excuse , but in reality , I was just nursing my ugly feelings . I knew I wasn 't the face of Christ . I kept praying for Him to give me patience and change my attitude and thinking . But I kept sitting there tired , cranky and hungry . About 4 : 30 when Thoko was finally finished visiting all of the homesteads we headed back to St . Paul 's for our Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu meeting that should have started at 5 : 00 . It also started raining about that time . I stopped by a local store so Thoko could get something to eat and drink . About 3 : 00 I ate a Cliff bar hoping it would make me feel better . It didn 't . But Thoko hadn 't had anything all day . We went to our meeting , and dumped everything on the two board members , which I must confess , helped me feel a bit better . Our meeting ended about 8 : 00 . I always take Thoko home after evening meetings because she lives out in the rural area and has no way to get home after the last bus leaves to her area around 5 : 00 . I really didn 't want to drive her home because it was lightening , I was hungry , dog tired and hadn 't had a chance to go to the bathroom since about 10 : 00 in the morning . But I really didn 't mind . As always it was good for us to just talk about some things on the way to her house . Because of the rain , we couldn 't cross the river where we usually do , but had to go up river about 1 km to cross it . Even there the river was a bit higher than I like it to be , especially in the black darkness of night in the rural area without even light from the stars or the moon because of the clouds . The worst part for me about crossing here is that I 'm not real familiar with the road from the river to Thoko 's house . I 've only used this crossing 2 or 3 times and that was over a year ago . There are very few homesteads along the way . I dropped Thoko off and then started back , praying that the Lord would not allow me to get lost at night in the middle of the rural area . I just kept asking him over and over to guide me and not let me get lost and not let me stall in the river . All of a sudden on the dirt - sandy road / path I saw a single set of tire tracks on the dirt road / path . I realized it was my tracks ! I followed those tracks back to the river . Just before I got to where I knew I was by the river I started seeing several tracks on the road . I crossed the river with my stomach in my throat but with the confidence that the Lord was going to bring me through it . He wasn 't going to let anything happen to me . The tire tracks in the sand made me think of the story and pictures of the footsteps in the sand : when there was one , it was because Jesus was carrying me . When there were many , He was by my side . I am praising Him once again for not leaving me when I needed Him the most . And I 've already asked forgiveness many times for not being open to His presence earlier in the day when I was so cranky , irritable and quiet . I am so humbled for thinking that the verse he put in my heart in the morning was more applicable to others than it was to me . I can 't solve the problems in Swaziland or even do much to improve the lives or conditions of many of the children that are put before me . But I can , with His help do what I can kancane , kancane … . bit by bit . And I can strive to have an attitude and voice such that others will know I 'm a Christian by my actions and my gentleness . As stated in my last post , we took the two boys and their gogos from Lomngeletjane to the hospital / clinic in Manzini ( RFM ) . As predicted , the pediatrician did nothing and was absolutely no help . I think I knew more than he did . It was so frustrating . But , I was trying to keep positive . The first boy lives with his gogo in Lomngeletjane but his father is alive and lives about 6 or 7 km away . He seems to have a small welding business . The boy 's mother passed away a few years ago probably from complications of AIDS . He went to an English medium pre - school and was in grade 2 when he got meningitis . He survived which is very rare in Swaziland , however , he is now deaf . It is amazing because even though he seems to not hear anything , his SiSwati and English are very good . You can tell he is smart and he 's very inquisitive . However , his behavior is totally out of control and no one does anything to try and discipline him . His behavior reminds me of Helen Keller . He is now in grade 1 and is totally disruptive it . He has also started running away to his father 's place whenever someone is not with him . The second boy is a little more complex . He has a rather mild form of cerebral palsy since birth . He has some level of mental retardation , but it is really hard to tell how much of it is because of his slight CP and the lack of therapy or individual attention . I think he might be brighter than he looks and than people think . The Doctor was even less helpful with this child than he was for the first child . This boy lives with his mother and gogo . The father is either deceased or has deserted them . The mother is " sick " so the gogo really cares for him . The Doctor said he wanted to talk to parents of each child . So , this morning I drove up to Lomngeletjane very early to pick up the children and their parents . I had to go pick them up because the second boy 's gogo said the mother wasn 't well enough to walk to the bus stop and take public transport . She wasn 't kidding . I have no idea what is wrong with the mother . My guess is she is HIV + and probably not on medication or has an opportunistic illness . We got to the RFM about 8 : 00 this morning . We were the first two patients slated to see the Doctor . The Doctor didn 't finish with his rounds in the hospital until 11 : 30 . He took about 5 minutes with each family and basically said the same thing he said yesterday : " They need to be in a home / school for children with disabilities . " There aren 't a lot of options here . But Thoko and I are going to start investigating to see what is available for each child . I found out today that the mother of the second child has an appointment at the Catholic school for handicapped children on Dec . 1st . I also found the phone number for the Swaziland School for the Deaf . Both of these options will probably involve removing the child from their family . In addition , I 'm guessing there will be room , board and tuition costs that the children 's families will not be able to pay . It has been a very frustrating couple of days . I woke up this morning with a sore throat and had to sit outside in the cold , damp , drizzly weather for 3 1 / 2 hours waiting for these kids to see the Doctor which ended up to be a huge waste of time . He was no help and the options are not good . I have a real problem taking these kids away from their families ; however , these kids have no future if they stay in their families . ( Not that their future will be much better even if they go to the schools for the handicapped . ) I 'm holding onto Matthew 6 : 34 : " Do not worry about tomorrow , for tomorrow will worry about itself . Each day has enough trouble of its own . " Yesterday didn 't start out so well . I didn 't get enough sleep the night before so I got a little later start than I had planned . So I must admit , I was a bit cranky . Every where I went - to the post office , to the hardware store , to the bank , it seemed like I was faced with the difficulties that come with doing business in Swaziland . This included being almost run off the road a few times by kombies ( vans used as mini - buses / taxi 's ) . I had to pray often to ask the Lord to remind me that my behavior is all that I can control and that I need to react as a Christian not a frustrated American . I thank God that he never lets me down . The day also ended up being a day of driving . First I drove to downtown Manzini to get 5 bags of cement to take up to Lomngeletjane . But when I got to the hardware store I realized I didn 't have enough cash and the charge for the debit card for just a few items is more than if I withdrew the cash from the bank . So I left the hardware store and went to the bank . I thought I was so organized and had tallied up what it would cost to finish the teacher 's house . Yes , I said " FINISH the house ! " Our goal is to have it finished by Nov . 13th . After waiting in a fairly long line to get up to the teller , she told me I couldn 't cash a check for the amount I wanted to without going to my home branch which is in Matsapha . I didn 't respond as Jesus would have . So it was time to take a deep breath , say a prayer and go to plan B : withdraw some cash from the ATM . But guess what ? The ATM machine must have been running low on cash because it wouldn 't let me withdraw the amount I usually do . This is Swaziland . Bank ATMs run out of cash , hospitals run out of oxygen . Oh well . ( Chris , get over it . ) I finally got the cement and headed up to Lomngeletjane . John and a couple of his guys unload it and then I picked up the kitchen sink and geyser ( hot water heater ) that I bought last week and headed to the hardware store in Matsapha to exchange them for the correct ones . ( The hardware store had given us a 100L geyser instead of the 150L geyser , which was on special for the same price and the sink was made to be mounted a different way than we had planned to do . ) So down the hill to Matsapha I go . I was driving right past my bank so I cashed the check and then headed to the hardware store . It took awhile but I got everything exchanged without a hassle , bought a few more bags of cement and headed back up to Lomngeletjane . ( I 'm beginning to think that John eats cement for breakfast , lunch and dinner , it goes so fast ! ) The head teacher and I had a good talk about a couple of kids we are taking to get medical care as part of our Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu project and talked about my plans in the last few remaining weeks before I leave for the holidays . I drove her down the hill to the point she would have changed kombies on her way home . From there I had to drive out to Luve to the High School where Mthokozisi attends . I drove out there on Sunday to deliver some food to them and Mthokozisi asked me about hiring a tractor to plow the field so they could plant maize . I wanted to talk to Thoko first , we agreed on a plan , but I needed to get the money back to him and I wouldn 't have time the rest of the week so I made another trip out there . It takes about 30 to drive there one way . By the time I got back to St . Paul 's , I was tired . In case you haven 't figured it out , banking is extremely difficult and expensive in Swaziland . I do most of my dealings in cash because it is so expensive to use checks . In addition , you can 't just go into a store and write a check . Most places won 't accept them unless you have done a lot of business with them and they know you . I give Bethuel checks to use when he purchases materials because he has done so much business with various places that they usually accept a check from him . You have no idea how lucky we are to have the banking system that we have in the US . It may have problems , but nothing like here . And there aren 't banks in the rural areas . It would be so handy if I could just put some money in an account for Mthokozisi in Luve so he could pull it out as needed for transport or food . But there are not banks in Luve so that isn 't an option . Today I am headed back to the hardware store to buy more cement for John and a couple of small items and then head to the RFM ( hospital / clinic ) to sit with a couple of kids from Lomngeletjane so I can talk to the Doctor about them . Both the the kids have a handicap . I don 't think there is anything we are going to be able to do for them , but the place to start is with the pediatrician to see if there is anything medical that can be done or where he suggests we take the kids . One child has a severe hearing problem and the other appears to have cerebral palsy . If he was in the states , he would receive some speech therapy and some physical therapy and would probably be able to attend regular classes in school . Those services aren 't available here . I am looking for a course of action to help these kids . The pictures below are of John finishing the floor in the living room of the teacher 's house , and then a picture of a finished floor in one of the bedrooms . The last picture is of Mthokozisi and his sisters carrying the food I gave them on Sunday to their house . Just the thought of carrying one of those sacks of maize on my head makes my head , neck and back hurt ! Four - classroom block for 5th - 7th grades at Lomngeletjane : $ 41 , 500 School fees for Orphaned or Vulnerable child : $ 40 - $ 150 per year . School Uniforms : girls : $ 12 ; boys : $ 18 ; winter uniform for boys & girls : $ 25 ; shoes : $ 13 ; socks / underwear : $ . 90 / pair Finish Mahlatsini church so it can be used as a carepoint : $ 8 , 100 If you wish to support this ministry or one of the above projects , please send a check made payable to " One Child At A Time " to PO Box 1046 , Round Rock , TX 78680 . Please note that One Child At A Time , One Heart At A Time is a registered nonprofit in the State of Texas . IRS tax exemption is pending the approval of our application . If you would like your donation to go to a specific project indicate on your check or in a note which project you wish to support . Related links
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Amazingly , I got to church about ten minutes before service started . This was amazing because I had spent most of my " getting ready for church " time having a " good morning " conversation on the phone with my mom . I had rushed myself and rushed the girls and rushed to church . I sat in a row close to the front . It was completely empty . People chatted as they started to fill in the seats . I just sat there , with no one else in my row . I stared off toward the stage and a very unwelcomed thought entered my head . I am alone . This is how it is . This is how it will be . I am alone . Realizing this , I suddenly had the will to fight back . I am not alone . God is here . He is always here . He is always with me . Always . I will never be alone . I will never , ever be alone . I haven 't written about it , but to make a long story short , my husband had an affair on deployment , and is choosing to leave our family for her . This has been my deepest valley , and my biggest spiritual battle ever . And it 's not over . . . it won 't be for a very , very long time . Good friends of mine invited the three of us over for dinner : normal 4th of July fare - hot dogs and such . I took our veggie dogs and vegan buns , some potato salad that I whipped up , and chips . As we were leaving , it was starting to thunder . Miss Dainty immediately started getting upset , not due to fear , but due to disappointment when I told her the fireworks might be canceled if it stormed . It rained throughout dinner and then tapered off . We waited until the last possible minute before heading to the nearby town that we were going to see the fireworks in . It was still raining somewhat , and I think all of us adults seriously doubted there would be a show . But the kids crossed their fingers , and sure enough after waiting a while and after watching lots of people leave , the fireworks did indeed start . Miss Dainty was ecstatic . It was a great show , too . There were several times when we were certain the finale was going , and started to cheer and holler , only to have fireworks start going off again ! I think we ended up with 6 " finales ! " It was quite funny . The kids loved it . We had a great time . = ) Sometimes , I miss home . A lot . But not just home , not just my family , but simply , how it used to be . When this hits . . . I make tortillas . And of course , my tortillas don 't come out nearly as round as my grandma 's , but the girls don 't mind . They love making their own , too , the way I used to when I was a kid . We 've done so much this summer already . I 'll try to do some posts soon , but today was fun . . . ( well , after a rough , emotional start for me , but . . ah , well . . . at least it ended good ! ) And we didn 't even go anywhere , really . After the rough start , I took some quiet time devoted to prayer , and came back downstairs to restart our day . We ended up painting our nails , watching a few cartoons , painting during Baby D 's nap , bike riding , and playing with playdough ! With the playdough , I sneaked in some learning , introducing Baby D to AB patterns and Miss Dainty to alliteration : Playdough Penguins Parading Past Paisley Print . This launched " The Alliteration Game . " We gave each other consonants , and we had to make sentences using that letter . Quite challenging for a 6 year old 's vocabulary , but she did great , and we had a ton of fun . I love days like today ! Thankfully , God is helping me hold it together for my girls . = ) Recently , I have realized that I have merely been renting this current life , and apparently , my lease is almost up . Perhaps , it 's always been month to month , and I was just clueless . . . As the day draws nearer , I wonder what direction my life will take next . And I wonder how grueling the eviction process will be . It felt amazing to write that . I won 't go into all the details of what 's been going on , although a few of you do know , but I will say that I 've recently discovered how much my self - worth was tied up in certain people and past experiences that were undeserving of defining me . I am truly beginning to experience my God given freedom in Jesus . The emotional release is simply amazing . His burden truly is light . I have nothing and no one to fear . And I have an unconditional forever love waiting for the taking . God is so good . Today , the temperature was in the mid eighties ! I had thought about taking the girls to the beach for a fun afternoon , but when Miss Dainty woke up in the middle of last night with a sore throat . . . well , I figured the trip wasn 't meant to be . I decided I had a lot to do to get ready for our upcoming trip to Texas anyhow . So we stayed home . At the end of the day , I had gotten a little bit done , but not nearly as much as I should have . . . Miss Dainty somehow convinced me to head outside : This morning we were up early for a servant evangelism project that went really well . It was chilly though , so we came home right after . Baby D took a very early nap , which I expected since she woke up at 6 AM this morning . After nap and lunch , Miss Dainty had the idea of building a home for her bear , and of course Baby D wanted to join in on the fun . It was such an easy and simple project . I was tempted to break out the scrapbooking paper and scrap fabric to really decorate them , but knew that would be a little too much for them . So , we just used markers to draw what they wanted : a bed , tv , couch , and fridge in Baby D 's house ( apparently that 's what she deems most important . ) It was so cute to watch them play with the makeshift houses . I cannot wait to give Miss Dainty her birthday present . I have a dollhouse that I had bought for Christmas , but ended up not giving it to her due to her very last minute letter to Santa asking for a skateboard . So , I ended up saving the dollhouse . And now I think her birthday will be the perfect time to give it to her , not just that she will enjoy it more , but also that Baby D understands enough to be able to play with her , I think . It 's amazing how much difference a half a year can make . Miss Dainty 's birthday party will be delayed anyhow , by her choice . She told me , " I wish my birthday wasn 't in May , I wish it was later . " And when I asked her why , she said , " So Daddy could come to my party . " * my heart broke ! * So we talked about postponing her party until Daddy would be home , and she very excitedly agreed to the plan . I promised to take her to dinner and make cupcakes for her actual birthday , though . = ) She 's such a sweetheart . Last night , I stamped a few cards to send in Mr . Hubs ' next care package for him to write in and send back to the girls . This was the first time I 've brought out any stamps at all in . . . I don 't know how long . When I was going to bed ( late ! ) I decided I 'd leave the stamps out for the girls to play around with in the morning . Of course , they were so excited when they saw everything out when they came downstairs . Baby D kept trying to stamp on the paper without ink and was getting so frustrated that she wasn 't leaving a mark ! It was so hard not to laugh when I was trying to tell her to be patient . They could barely wait until after breakfast . After I managed to get them to eat , I let them have at it . Miss Dainty chose to make several cards for her penpals and already wrote notes in them . ( I was quite impressed with her enthusiasm about writing ! ) They both really enjoyed stamping . I should bring all this stuff out more often . = ) Baby D came down with a head cold Saturday , although I didn 't figure it out until I started feeling symptoms myself on Sunday night . Until then , I thought she had just had allergies . So , we 've been trying to get over it since then . Today , I 'm feeling better except for a headache that comes and goes from the sinus pressure . Apparently , in my house , " Please be quieter , I have a headache , " really means : " Yes , I want to hear all of our loudest toys at once ! Please play them ! " This is what I sent my swap partner about a month ago . The theme was books , comics , and graphic novels . I read my swapee 's favorite book : The Dispossessed , and tried to base the swap off of it . The orange washcloths represent an orange blanket that the main character had . I had quotes from the book on all the bookmarks to correspond with the handmades , also . The e - book cover was fun to make . I had to adjust the pattern because it was originally for a kindle , and my partner had a sony e - reader smaller in size . It was a challenge at first , being my first attempt at a lace pattern . I really like how it came out though . I want to make one for my kindle , too . The stitch markers were my very first attempt at making stitch markers ! It was a lot of fun . Working with the polymer clay was a little challenging for me , too , since I rarely ever do it . I love how the little books came out . ( Of course I made a few extra for myself ! ) I found some yarn in her favorite colors : Panda Cotton for socks , and some Sugar ' n Cream for washcloths . I had a lot of fun putting this swap together . = ) This morning we took a much needed trip to the library . It 's one of our favorite places to go . I love that the kids love it as much as I do . After story hour and stocking up on books , we headed home for lunch . Later , the sun beckoned us outside . There was still a slight cool breeze outside , but the sun was warm , so we took a walk down to the pond . We fed the duck . ( We were hoping there would be more , but alas only one was around , and he turned out to not be too hungry . ) We saw our first redwinged blackbird ! What 's so neat is that Miss Dainty recognized the call before we even sighted the bird . She couldn 't recall which bird it was , but knew the call from her bird book . How cool is that ? We walked along the bank and watched some turtles sunbathing before accidentally startling them into the water . Then we tried to feed them , too , but they also weren 't hungry . So we sat and pretended to be turtles soaking up the warm sun . The girls loved it . Eventually , we headed over to the playground . Such a great way to start the day . Notice their shawls ? = ) We received a box in the mail yesterday from Mr Hubs . The shawls were made in Turkey . They 've been wearing them nonstop . They were so excited to get something from him . Posted by I finished Baby D 's cardigan ! Last week , actually , but I still need to add a button to the top . Not that she minds . She 's even had the chance to wear it this week since it got freakishly cold again . I 'm happy that I made it a size up so she can have it for next year . This pattern ( Eloise Eyelet Cardi on Ravelry ) was a super easy introduction to sweaters . I learned the mattress stitch finally ! The only part I had problems with was seaming the armpits . Wasn 't quite sure how to do it and make it look nice , but for the most part you can 't tell when it 's on . = ) Loved this pattern . I 'm thinking my nieces might be getting one for Christmas this year . This afternoon , I needed to focus on something good , and just be in the present moment with my girls . So , I helped them each make a new batch of playdough . They loved being allowed to " cook " the playdough ( they did the mixing before I heated it in the pot . ) They loved picking the color . And of course , playing with new playdough is awesome . Thanks to all my friends and family who responded to my last post or who are praying for my family back home . I truly appreciate everything . After a very long conversation with my mom the other night , I 'm dealing much better with it all . Although , it is still a very sad and horrible situation , my heart and prayers go out to my family back home . I miss them very much . Today , I pulled it out of my fabric stash , and ( finally ) turned it into something else ( which I 've been meaning to do for years . ) I used a simple pattern and made a 3T tank top . Unfortunately , 3T is still too big for Baby D . Oh well . She 'll have it when she grows into it . Here she was counting the apples . = ) I 'm so excited to have made something , even though I made a few mistakes . One of my goals ( for the past decade , ) has been to learn to sew more than a square . I sewed Baby D 's diapers when we were cloth diapering , but that was about as far as I took my sewing skills . I want to get better . . . I do . So , hopefully , I 'll gradually challenge myself with some clothes for the girls . Miss Dainty is already asking for a dress . = D I drove up to my grandparents ' house to pick up my grandma . I needed to borrow her for a few days . . . = ) Miss Dainty had a trip to Colonial Williamsburg for Girl Scouts , and I knew I wanted my grandma to come . We enjoyed it . We didn 't stay all day since Miss Dainty was still feeling a little under the weather , getting over her cold , but we had fun with what we did get to see and do . ( We are so dressing up next time ! ! ) While my grandma was here I got to work on some unfinished projects . I completed the " Daddy Pillows " as we call them . The girls love them . I also worked a lot on Baby D 's sweater . I 'm just about done . I have only the seaming and finishing left to do . My grandparents also surprised me with 4 new vegan cookbooks ! Sweet ! I can 't wait to start trying meals out of them . Today , I worked on the backyard a bit . I finished raking up the pine needles . . . ended up with 8 huge yard bags full . My love / hate relationship with our pine tree was leaning a little more towards hate after that , but in the end it looked really good . And the area around it is just begging for flowers . Miss Dainty picked some out today , so hopefully we 'll get the seeds planted soon . We also picked up a bag of wildflower seed mix that is supposed to attract butterflies and hummingbirds . Miss Dainty wants a butterfly garden . I 'm hoping it will be flowering in time for her birthday party . It should , but you never know with me gardening . . . = ) And that 's what I 've been up to . . . the temperatures are getting warmer and warmer . We 're so excited for spring ! Hope everyone is enjoying themselves as well . The closet system is still working great ! Today , I took a huge pile of toys out of the room , although I haven 't officially gotten rid of any yet . I need to do it while the kids are sleeping , otherwise , they will all end up back in the room . I bought a toybox at Target , today , and I 'm thinking it will hold the baby doll stuff , and go in front of the window . There 's another tall shelf that I want to get for that right corner , and then I think that 's where the table and chairs will go , also . Along that right wall , I 'm thinking will be the kitchen stuff . Finally , once I get Baby D 's bed in there instead of Miss Dainty 's , it will free up more space on that side of the room . = ) I 'm hoping to be done weeding through everything by next week , because my grandma will be visiting , and I can hopefully use that time to get some painting done . Excited ! Organize and put up clothes . Reduce amount of toys . ( In progress ) Organize and put away toys . ( In progress ) Paint walls . Decorate ! Posted by We had a very warm , beautiful day yesterday . While the girls had a blast playing , I did some yard work raking up dead pine needles . There is so much of the stuff ! The flowers are popping up in the front yard , kudos to the previous owners . . . heh . I have a brown thumb , but Miss Dainty really wants to try some gardening this year . I 'm going to clear out the space around the pine tree and plant a butterfly garden , and then hopefully try growing some edible plants in containers . I hesitate to put the effort into growing stuff in the ground since we won 't know what our new orders will be for a little while still . First priority , though , is putting down grass seed in the back . The frontyard looks much better , but the backyard needs a lot of attention . This past summer was harsh on the grass . Now that my knitting swap projects are done , I 've been focusing on a few other projects . Miss Dainty is still up and down with emotions dealing with the deployment , which is expected , of course . I 've been at a loss as to what to do to help her feel better about the situation . " Normal " deployment activities that I 've heard of just won 't work for us , such as a deployment count down . I know her ( and myself . ) It would not help us to see that we still have # # # days left before Daddy comes home . I think that would be even more depressing . So far , we 've been dealing by just staying in the present . We talk about him every day , as if he would be coming home at normal time after dinner , not that we 're expecting him to , and Miss Dainty does understand that it 's going to be a long time , but we 're just not dwelling on just how long it 's going to be . And of course , we 're staying busy . The weeks are flying by , and suddenly it 's Sunday again , when it was just Sunday yesterday , it seems . This is definitely not a bad thing . Anyhow , after talking to a friend of mine , whose husband is also deployed , I decided to try making a few things for the girls . The first is going to be a little pillow with a picture of them with Daddy . I found some iron on transfer paper in my craft stash and was happy to finally use it . . . ( it 's a few years old , at least , which is probably why it yellowed a little bit , but they won 't care . ) I 'm going to let them pick what fabric they want to go on the back . The sheet was a freebie from a friend who just moved today . She gave me a ton of stuff , and I can 't wait to put it to use . = ) We 're also going to make a scrapbook soon or a picture board . I haven 't decided which , just yet . I will also be making some note cards to send to Mr Hubs that are ready to be written in and sent back . I 'm also getting back to Baby D 's sweater . . . and look what I thought to do today . I don 't know why I didn 't think of this earlier . I mean really , I already put all of our public domain book pdf files on my Kindle , why didn 't I think about my knitting patterns ? ! Sweet . And last but not least , we said goodbye to our friends who moved today . * tear * Miss Dainty loves this little girl , and will miss her . And I 'm going to miss her and her mom , too . But it 's a good move for them , and we will definitely have to visit . = ) Tomorrow , I am mailing my swap package ( again . ) Today 's trip to the post office did not fare well . Hopefully , tomorrow 's trip will be better ! I finally got a text from him very , very early this morning . When I woke up for good , I thought I had dreamed the whole text conversation , heh . So glad communication is back up . A coffee cozy , sock weight yarn ( but it 's wool , so it will be finding a new home , ) a couple of fun comics , a pretty spring colored cotton washcloth , and hand made soap . I made sure to put on all my questionnaires and lists that I was vegan , and what that meant in regards to this swap , ( what to send me and not send me , ) but I guess I should have made it even more clear . . . Although , I 'm really not sure how I could have . Oh well . It was fun to get a surprise in the mail regardless . I 'm just about done with my swap package , and I can 't wait for my spoilee to get it ! = ) I 'll post about it as soon as she does . I 've been meaning to decorate the girls ' rooms since we first moved in . . . almost two years ago . Miss Dainty had been so excited to paint her room and have it just the way she wanted . I feel terrible that I haven 't made it a priority . After seeing how a friend of mine decorated her daughter 's room , I felt so inspired , and decided to rededicate some time and energy into finally starting and finishing the girls ' rooms the way I envision them . * * Hopefully we will get stationed here again ! * * Miss Dainty 's room is currently the one with the bigger closet , while Baby D 's room is really nothing more than a catch all room with a crib smack dab in the middle . There 's Mr Hubs ' drumset , a desk , an extra crib mattress , and containers in the closet in that room . Such a great baby room , eh ? Miss Dainty 's room is a constant disaster . The girls share the closet , and I hadn 't figured out a system that Miss Dainty could use in helping me maintain order when it came to the clothes . There were clothes just about everywhere . . . clothes and toys . The toys were in containers in a 9 cube shelf , which I thought would work great , but apparently they just have way too many toys . So my first goal was to reorganize the closet and to put away all of their clothes . The top right photo is the room 's before picture , and is what Miss Dainty 's room looks like " normally . " There was just no child friendly organization for clothes or toys . Bottom right is the closet 's before picture . Ack ! No wonder I hated putting clothes away , I didn 't want to face that ! So , for the closet I moved the 9 cubbie shelf inside , and put the folded clothes into it . Purple will be Miss Dainty 's and the red will be Baby D 's . That middle bar is just a shower curtain rod . I decided against something more permanent because 1 ) I 'm horrible at hanging shelves and such up , and 2 ) I know that not long from now they will more than likely need their own closets . So , I just decided to stick with this for now . I need a few more containers for the cubbies , but for the most part all the clothes are put up , and I 'm pretty sure Miss Dainty can handle putting things into the boxes more easily . So , eventually ( hopefully sooner than later ! ) this room will actually become Baby D 's room and their playroom . The crib / toddler bed will take up much less room , giving them more space to play in . I want a reading area by the window , and a table for tea parties . I 'm hoping to have a little section for pretend play ( baby doll stuff , kitchen , cleaning , etc . ) I want most of the other toys ( hopefully fewer in number ! ) to be in containers that will fit under the toddler bed . And then , Baby D 's current room will become Miss Dainty 's / guest room . She 's been asking for a bigger bed , anyway . She doesn 't like how narrow her twin size bed is . This bed was what we originally wanted to get for Miss Dainty 's room , oh two years ago . It 's a single bed which turns into a double and has drawers for storage underneath . Pretty awesome . I might still go with that one , or I might just get her a full . I think the Ikea one would be best though , so that she has the option of having more space if / when she needs it . My little Miss Dainty is growing up . Wanting to skateboard and making new friends . Friends that are boys . . . Of course it was completely innocent . They talked about skateboarding and bike tricks and played a fun game of tag . I couldn 't help thinking that this was a glimpse into the future , though . . . sigh . . . Posted by I told the girls I had a few Valentine 's Day surprises for them , so they were so excited all morning ( well mainly Miss Dainty . ) First , after breakfast I had them get ready while I prepared a pack lunch . Miss Dainty kept trying to guess where we were going . She never guessed right . The first surprise was : the park ! Now , I know this probably doesn 't seem too special , but ever since winter started , we have not been able to go . It has just been way too cold . Today , however , was gorgeous ! It was 65ish degrees with beautiful sunny skies . It was a bit windy , but awesome weather regardless . They played and played and played . We needed this today . We needed the sun 's warmth and brightness , we needed to just be out . It was great . Once the kids got hungry we sat down with friends of ours for a picnic . My girls loved what I created for their lunch . Absolutely loved it . And their reaction made me so happy . Some photo explanations : Apparently , Baby D doesn 't like wind . She decided she wanted to wear her sweater and her sister 's hat the entire time . On the other hand , Miss Dainty didn 't even seemed bothered by the slight chill the wind brought , which is obvious by her very summery attire . In the top left photo , Baby D is sitting on her potty . She decided last night , out of nowhere to begin potty training ! ! ! Flat out refused to put a diaper on . Oh the things we moms have to do . . . . heh . The bottom right photo is Miss Dainty while we were crafting paper hearts to decorate the house with . She loved the one on one time while Baby D napped . We finished just as Baby D woke up , so they each got to place some hearts wherever they wanted . Miso soup , yakisoba noodles , sweet potato rolls , and avocado / cucumber rolls ! We haven 't been in a while . . . since a few days before Mr Hubs left , so the girls were in heaven ! An older couple complimented me on the girls , and said how nice it was I was taking pictures to keep the family updated . I told them it was for their dad who was deployed . The husband answered , " That 's what I figured . Tell him to keep safe . " I thought that was really nice . After dinner , we ran by a nearby grocery store and picked up some Tofutti ice cream sandwiches for dessert . It 's the girls ' favorite , but I rarely buy it because they 're so expensive ! ( But that keeps them extra special at the same time . . . ) Then , we picked up a movie at a redbox outside . Miss Dainty picked out Alpha and Omega . We came home , ate our ice cream , and watched the movie together . It was a perfect way to end the day . The only thing that would have made today better was if Mr Hubs had been right there with us , but he kind of was . We talked about him the entire day . I kept noticing this on my fridge today : Mr Hubs wrote that right before he left for bootcamp . I was still in high school . He hid it in a cd case in my bedroom . I love that note , and I must have read it a million times today . I really don 't know why I was even slightly upset about Valentine 's Day . Even with him gone , I know he loves me every day . I don 't need a holiday to remind me of that . And then , this really put everything into perspective . A friend of mine posted this on facebook : " Remember that you are loved by a love that is deeper and richer than any other love , by the One who loved creating you exactly they way you are . You are His prize , His favorite and His desire and He wants you to know that . God loves you today , and forever . " My intention was to keep better track of what we 've been doing , and especially to take more photos , in hopes of having something to show to Mr Hubs a half year from now and say , " Look , this is what we were up to while you were gone . . . " However , I realize I 've been slacking . I hope to remedy this , starting tomorrow . Lately , we 've just been keeping busy . I 'm organizing another small group Bible study . So excited about it ! We 'll be studying Elizabeth George 's A Woman After God 's Own Heart . The only hiccup so far is that our babysitter fell through recently , so I 've been scrambling trying to find another . A fellow navy wife suggested the site SitterCity . com and told me military gets membership for free ( ! ! ! ) so I joined , and posted a job listing . About five minutes ago , I received an application that looks like the winner , so here 's hoping ! The other day we had yet another snowy day . I 'm so thankful that it was not terrible here like it was in other states . Yay for snow . . . . ( not . ) I 'm definitely not a snow person . My girls on the other hand , love to be out there . Usually , at snowy , freezing cold times such as this , Mr Hubs is the one who takes them outside and they all have a blast . But since he is currently away enjoying warmer weather I assume , I was left to tackle the task . Miss Dainty kept saying , " I wish Daddy was here . He would love this . We could have built a snowman . " She was disappointed that I did not know how . This is what they ended up building . . . some sort of snow . . . creature . This picture cracks me up , not just because of the snow thing , but also because of Miss Dainty 's fashion statement . She seems to have lost her mittens and scarf , so she borrowed mine which were huge on her . And then there 's Baby D and her mismatched glove and mitten . Oh dear , my poor kids . . . . Sorry girls , Mommy is clueless , apparently . Good thing they don 't care much . = ) This week , Miss Dainty also had her Girl Scout meeting . She is still loving it . I wish we could meet up more often though . I really think she could form some closer friendships and bonds in that group . They had a valentine card swap at the end of the meeting . Miss Dainty picked out Disney princess cards that came with a bookmark . This one was my favorite out of the cards she recieved : Is that not just too adorable ? ! I love it ! I 've been feeling a little down about Valentine 's Day . Mr Hubs and I never really cared about Valentine 's . In all of the 11 years we 've been together , I think our very first valentine 's while dating was the only one we ever celebrated . We just kind of realized how commercial and forced the whole ordeal is . But presently , I 'm mad about the holiday because it 's not our choice to not celebrate it this time since he 's not here . Does that even make sense ? Probably not . So , I 've decided to make the best of it , and celebrate ( for the first time in a while , ) with the girls . I have a few surprises up my sleeve for them on Valentine 's day . We did receive valentine 's cards in the mail from my grandma , though , and that brightened our day . The girls ' card had $ 4 tucked inside , $ 2 for each . So , today , I took them down to The Book Owl ( that little local bookstore I 've been addicted to lately . ) They were having a $ 1 sale on " thousands " of books . I thought he had been kidding , but no , there were boxes and boxes of books in an empty store lot . No electricity and no heat , but I managed to look for about an hour and a half before the girls were tired of chasing each other and of the cold . Blueberries for Sal for $ 1 ! ! Score ! ( You gotta love the mismatched socks . This time it was not my fault , she insisted on wearing those , I promise ! ) I also found a couple of other children 's classics , and about 10 books for me including a nostalgic find : California Blue by David Klass . I remember reading and loving it in either in middle school or junior high , when I did nothing else except read . Friday morning , a good friend of mine offered to watch the girls so that I could have a few hours to myself . It had already been three weeks with no time to myself , so I didn 't know what to do with it at first . I ended up going to a nearby used bookstore and spent the entire two hours browsing . . . and buying . Buying too much , probably . Is there such a thing as buying too many books ? Friday also brought awesome mail ! Yummy spring colored sock yarn I had recently ordered and a care package from my grandma ( with more books ! ) She 's so sweet . I really , really , really want to try to knit a pair of socks . I still need to finish my swap package though . Saturday was rainy , so we stayed inside and relaxed . I taught Miss Dainty how to play checkers . ( I 'm thinking she is going to want to play everyday now . ) She 's wearing one of her daddy 's shirts in this picture . . . she 's such a sweetheart . And Sunday . . . wow . Sunday I was blown away by my church . The sermon was on the church 's vision . They covered where they had come from and where they are going . It was amazing to see everything Believers church has done up to this point , and so exciting to see what they have planed for the very near future . I 'm hoping to be able to serve more now that Baby D is older and not so much a baby anymore . Once they post the video , I 'll link to it so everyone can check them out . = ) The Comic Challenge hosted by Dutchie at BA Reading Challenges . I 'm really trying to broaden my reading horizons this year , especially since I have extra time to read now . The graphic genre is new to me . I never grew up reading comics , although Mr Hubs did ( and he loved them . ) I often wonder if I missed out on something great . So , I 'm looking forward to seeing if I enjoy this genre . I 'll be joining in at the Pow ! level ( 5 comics read . ) Although , I 'm secretly hoping to get to the next level . Comics & Graphic Novels read : The Sandman : Preludes & Nocturnes by Neil Gaiman . 2 / 23 / 11 . 4 stars The Color of the Earth by Kim Dong Hwa . 3 / 21 / 11 . 5 stars . The Color of Water by Kim Dong Hwa . 5 / 17 / 11 . 5 stars . The Color of Heaven by Kim Dong Hwa . 6 / 16 / 11 . 5 stars . I love sharing things Miss Dainty says with family and friends on facebook , hopefully giving them a chuckle . I realized today , though , that I can 't remember some of the things she 's said in the past , and I want to put them in a more permanent place . So , I 've decided to post them here as well . Here 's the first . I 'll hopefully remember some things from the past and add them , too . I made a simple dinner of tomato soup and grilled " cheese " sandwiches , and I told the girls , " I used to love when Grandma would make this for me . " Miss Dainty said , " When you were a kid ? ! . . . How do you remember so long ago ? " This was my first time reading steampunk , and I really liked it . I loved the world and the characters Priest created , although I do wish the characterization had been a bit more in depth from the get go . I can understand that having to focus so much on creating the world might have prevented more in depth characterization , otherwise the book would have been a lot longer . I found myself assuming things in the beginning concerning the two main characters ' personalities and their relationship . In the very end though , there was more character development , so that made me happy , but like I said I wish it could have been dispersed through the whole book , not just placed in the end . My favorite character , though , was Lucy , who wasn 't even a main character . And I wish we could have known what happened to Swakhammer ! Overall , though , I really enjoyed this book , and I look forward to checking out Priest 's other books . This was Miss Dainty 's first official entry into her nature journal . I 've been meaning to start doing this with her for forever , it seems , and just hadn 't gotten around to it . Well , remember that undone to - do list I mentioned in my last post ? Well , the motivation is returning . I suppose I just needed a few weeks to feel all " blah " about the deployment and to just sulk around the house . But now that 's done , and we can get back to doing what we need to do . We studied our backyard 's pine tree today . Miss Dainty drew her own picture of it , although the perspective was really hard since we were basically under it . But it was so neat to watch her draw how she saw the tree and her pine cone . I joined her in this activity and drew on my own paper . I 'm not good at drawing at all , but I think it will be fun to do this alongside her . I find her pine tree so amusing , it makes me smile . From where she was sitting , that probably is exactly what she saw the most : the main trunk and the lowest branches . The objects to the bottom right are the bird house and bird bath . Apparently , she thought they needed more color than what they actually have . Back to the photo : the flock of birds was hilarious to Miss Dainty . They were noisily squawking the entire time we were outside and they made her laugh . The rabbit was an unexpected guest . Miss Dainty startled it while she was running around , and he shot across the yard . He was pretty big ! and gorgeous . We put out some lettuce for him , and Miss Dainty sat by the backdoor eating her snack after we came inside , patiently waiting for him to come back . ( He hasn 't yet . ) It was a great afternoon . I love days like today , they are very uplifting . And I 'm so glad to be done with the " blahs . " This morning after sleeping soundly ( but unfortunately for not long enough , ) I heard the baby yelling for me . My eyes did not want to open . I stayed up too late last night finishing a book , and yet , even if I hadn 't finished it , I would have laid there awake regardless . I wondered what day it was . Is that sad ? I lose track of days when my schedule is not packed . I remembered that it was Friday . Nothing to do on Friday . Good . That 's how I wanted it . We did something yesterday anyway , and we have something planned for Saturday . I thought a day of nothing would be good . But I forgot one important thing : I can never do nothing . Even when I try , my brain is constantly going . And I over think things . I think of things forgotten . Of disregarded goals . Of undone to - do lists . Of the future and its many possibilities . Of ideas that never came to fruition . Of things that should be but aren 't and may never be . And I miss the one with whom I would normally share these over thought thoughts of mine . I 'm going to start at the lowest level : Geared ( 5 books . ) This is a brand new genre for me , and I 'm hoping I like it . Can 't wait to get started ! Well , we 've officially survived the first week . I think I 'm still a bit in denial ( which seems to be helping the kids cope , anyway . ) I 've been somewhat treating this week as a really long duty day , instead of what it actually is . Mr . Hubs is deployed . yuck . There , I said it . I suppose that being used to this past year 's workups has made it easier on us . We are used to him having to leave . In a way that is a little sad , but ah , well , what can you do ? I think it will start to sink in more as we get further into the deployment . We 've already had some ups and downs , but overall we 're holding it together . Baby D doesn 't understand , of course . She sees Daddy 's car outside and asks , " Daddy home ? " I have to tell her repeatedly , " No , Daddy 's on the boat . " She 'll look at me and say , " Oh , Daddy boat . " A lump will catch in my throat for a second or two , and after a few deep breaths , it 's gone , but the whole time , she is fine . Miss Dainty is strong . She amazes me . I can only hope that I can continue to be enough for her while Mr . Hubs is away . She misses him very much . We all do , of course . Evenings are hardest for me , they are too quiet . I 've been filling them with knitting and season 1 of Doctor Who , or reading mostly . And sleep doesn 't come quickly , but the morning does . Coffee is my friend . During the day we try to stay busy . It will be better when the weather gets nicer . We 've been stuck in the house lately due to cold rainy days . Today was a nice break from that . It was bordering on warm and the sun was out . After Baby D 's nap , I surprised them with a trip to the nearby playground . ( They thought we were going straight to the craft store . ) They had fun running and sliding and jumping around . It was good for them to get their energy out . It was a nice chance for me to sit and knit . I was also pleasantly surprised by a single bird singing just for me ( at least , that 's what it felt like . ) That little bird 's song as the soundtrack to my kids ' playing and the yarn moving through my hands , made me happy . That half hour was really , really enjoyable . Then it got too chilly , and we had to leave . My first sweater . Well , it 's for Baby D . I figured I should start small . It 's a really easy pattern : the pieces are seed stitch border and stockinette stitch with just a tad of shaping . When I join them for the yoke portion , there will be some eyelets involved , so hopefully it won 't be too hard for me . It 's an adorable sweater . I can 't wait to finish it . However , I might have to put it aside for a while . I 've signed up for my very first ever swap on ravelry . I 'm so excited . I 've decided on what I want to make for my spoilee , I just need to get started . I 'm looking forward to shopping for her , too . This is what I bought tonight to get started on the first two projects : The yarn in this picture and the sweater look almost the same , but that 's the lighting 's fault . The sweater is magenta . This new yarn is a rich dark red . This was the first Nicholas Sparks book I 've ever read . A friend recommended it to me . Perhaps I started with the wrong book , or perhaps this just isn 't my genre . This was just an okay read for me . The first half did not hold my interest , it took me longer than it should have to read . It started to pick up somewhat , yet I was still indifferent as to what happened to the characters , and , really , I hated feeling that way . Overall , I wasn 't too impressed . Then again , I think this style of writing and type of book just isn 't my thing . " I read this out loud to my 5 year old . She enjoyed it , and at times couldn 't believe how the characters lived . It read like a collection of short stories instead of one main story , which I didn 't care for too much ( I personally love a very defined plot in a book . ) But it was perfect for my daughter . However , I absolutely loved the very last chapter . I definitely will be revisiting this book with her later when we actually study this time period . " That was my short review on Goodreads . I just learned I could easily post my review here ! Pretty nifty . Another thing I wanted to mention about this book is that a lot of my friends have told me they didn 't get past chapter 1 in this book with their kids due to the " gruesome " descriptions of the father slaughtering and cleaning the animals that they ate . I personally decided not to shelter my daughter from this . I don 't understand why we disconnect our kids from their " food . " We discussed how in the time this story took place , they had to eat what was available to them . We talked about how they didn 't have stores with vegetables year round like we do now . And the reason I loved the very last chapter , " The Deer in the Wood , " was because it showed that even though they had to eat animals to survive , there was still an appreciation for them . In that chapter , the father ( while hunting ) didn 't shoot a single animal because he was awestruck at their beauty and serenity in the woods . I loved it . Overall , Miss Dainty really enjoyed this book . It helped that each chapter was it 's own short story . It was perfect for bedtime reading . I can 't wait to really study this time period of our country with her . Mr Hubs ' 10ish days off of work were awesome . It was nice to just be together , doing nothing much really , but enjoying each other 's company . He 's been back to work for a few days now , and it 's back to getting ready . The checklist is pretty much taken care of . I think we are ready . We 'll see . Posted by This is something I 've been meaning to do for a while : getting activities together for Baby D to use while I homeschool Miss Dainty . When Miss Dainty was around 2 and 3 I did a lot of Montessori type activities with her , and I need to do it again for the little one . I entered a blog give away for one of the activity sets from Time for Tots , but I didn 't win . Those activity sets seem very well planned out and very well stocked . My home made ones will be more on the simple side ( I 'm super cheap . . . ) but I don 't think Baby D will mind . I am thinking about getting the alphabet set though because $ 20 is really worth it to not have to hunt down 26 mini - somethings to match with letters . It 's a great activity . I did something similar with Miss Dainty around 3 1 / 2 . This has been on my to do list , because lately , it 's been a challenge to homeschool Miss Dainty . We used to do her schoolwork during Baby D 's nap , but lately her naps are getting shorter and it seemed like we were cramming too much into a short hour ( or hour and a half if we were lucky ! ) And because we were doing all the book type stuff during nap time , there was no opportunity to do Miss Dainty 's favorite arts & crafts type activities because if the baby was up , she basically just wouldn 't let us . Items : free . They were just stuff we had around the house and buried at the bottom of the toy box . The marker lids came off of dried out markers ( we definitely have enough of them . ) Rice : pennies ? I only used 1 . 5 cups . And really , you don 't even have to put it in there , but I did because Baby D is all about texture . The other day , Mr Hubs was downstairs with the girls and somehow he got on the topic of constellations and planets and such , and so began an impromptu science lesson for Miss Dainty . When I came downstairs , I could hear Baby D yelling about something or other , and Mr Hubs looked at me and said , " I have no idea how you teach Miss Dainty anything . . . " I smiled knowingly . Yeah . . . it 's a challenge . One that I need to figure out in the next few weeks , but that 's another blog post . I took the baby and entertained her while Mr Hubs continued showing Miss Dainty videos and pictures online which fascinated her . They ran across a chapter in her book of constellations about a yearly meteor shower , and both were so excited to read that it would be happening this week . Miss Dainty jumped up and down about her daddy 's promise of waking her in the middle of the night and the possibility of seeing a meteor shower . After researching a bit , we knew it might be tough to see this particular meteor shower . The peak was supposed to take place between 3 PM Monday and sometime this morning ( now I 've forgotten . ) Regardless , it was a pretty big time frame , with basically no guarantee we would catch it . So , last night , we went out around 8 pm to check and see if we could see anything . Turns out , the area was not viewable from our house . Miss Dainty was disappointed , but we promised her we 'd check in the morning and wake her if we saw something . This morning , around 5 : 30 am , Mr Hubs ' alarm went off and he asked me if I was going to go outside . " Yeah , if you see anything , " I answered . He laughed and went out . In about two minutes he ran back inside , " I saw two already , come on ! " He went and grabbed Miss Dainty while I got out of bed . I hope we see something , I thought , because this is crazy . It 's freezing outside and it 's 5 : 30 AM ! ! ! We stood out in our side yard probably looking a bit ridiculous with our robes and blankets and scarves , staring up at the sky . " We 're that family , " Mr Hubs said . " Yep , " was my answer , but I laughed because that thought made me happy . We stared and stared and tried to hush Miss Dainty who was talking too loud . We looked and looked and waited and waited . And then we saw it . A star suddenly appeared and dashed for a distance leaving it 's long trail , only to disappear . In that short time frame , I pointed and we all said something about it simultaneously , all of us so excited to see one . Miss Dainty was excited the most . It was , after all , her very first " shooting star . " We waited some more , hoping to see another one or two , but clouds were moving in and the cold was getting to us . " A few more minutes , " Mr Hubs told Miss Dainty . Then the clouds completely covered where we were supposed to be looking and so we went back inside . I put Miss Dainty back to bed , and she was so happy even to see just one meteor . In the end , the best part was that Mr Hubs was able to experience a homeschooling journey that was all his and Miss Dainty 's alone : from Miss Dainty 's spark of interest about stars to them reading books and watching videos online together , to discovering the meteor shower , and putting the effort into viewing it , and finally seeing a meteor . It was so neat and rewarding . I think we will gladly be that family as often as necessary to have more experiences like that one . This was just an ok read for me . I went into it with high expectations due to some glowing blogger reviews , but I was disappointed . I love dystopia , but this just didn 't do it for me . The characters and setting seemed flat , and I just couldn 't envision the world very well . The ending picked up for me a tad , but my opinion was already set . I don 't know if I 'll read the next one or not . My review from Goodreads .
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Leaving the coops , he saw Mack Reynolds ' truck coming down the driveway pulling a trailer . Mack was behind the wheel and his son was in the passenger seat . Charlie motioned them over to the barn while locking up the yard and walking over towards the area . Cindy saw the truck and stopped what she was doing and went over to help . His son stepped out of the truck and grabbed a large cooler from the rear . It looked fairly heavy , but Mack 's son had grown up quite a bit since the last time Charlie had seen him . " Toby , you know where my deep freezer is ? " " No big deal Mack . Stuff 's going to rot if I don 't get it used up anyway , " said Charlie . " That Toby sure has sprouted this past year . " " Yeah , talked to the coach the other day . Toby 's going to miss summer camp , but the coach said it wasn 't a big deal , " said Mack . " Who 's this ? " " Charlie , hate to rush you , but we 've got to get this stowed and head on out to the pasture . Have to set in some new fence posts and put the rails back up . Got knocked out in the storm last week , " said Mack . " Yeah , that big elm . Got hit by lightning and split the largest branch off . Planning on cutting the whole thing down since it keeps dropping limbs on my fence , " said Mack as they walked into the barn . " Let me come up . Might be something I can use if you don 't mind . If so , I 'll replace it from the stuff on my property , " said Charlie . " Toby , go ahead and drop the gate on the trailer , " said Mack as his son had reappeared behind them . He went over and dropped the gate on the truck as Charlie and Mack put on gloves to grab the bales and toss them into the truck . Toby had already gotten on the trailer to put them in the back . " Long as you don 't overdo it , sure , " said Charlie as he grabbed the first bale . She slipped on the flight gloves and grabbed at another , the soreness starting to come back . The raking had worked her muscles loose , but her arms started to protest as she grabbed the first bale . But again , she was determined to do what she needed to do and carried it over to the truck . Toby was on the trailer and grabbed the end and pulled it out of her hands . She moved a little slower , but had two other people helping her out so the moving wouldn 't be as hard . By the time she made her fifth trip , Charlie and Mack had already moved close to ten . She grabbed one more and moved it towards the truck before she was stopped by Charlie . " Nope , last one and take a break , " he said and grabbed another off the ground . She was about to argue until her arms told her a different story . She went to the truck and hauled it up before it was snatched away by Toby . She leaned against the bumper of the trailer and watched as Mack and Charlie grabbed the remaining bales and moved them over . She did take the time to notice Toby was ignoring her , focusing entirely on the work . She wasn 't sure why , but she didn 't see him look at her any . She figured she would at least introduce herself and try to be sociable . " Hi , " she said to Toby as he came back to the edge of the truck . He just looked at her and smiled shyly before grabbing the next bale of hay brought over . Cindy wondered if it was a lost cause and decided to go back to the garden plot where she had been raking . After the remaining bales were loaded , the two men took a break as well . " If you talk to him , let him know his rifle is ready . Got it finished up the other day , " said Charlie . " I was going to call , but I figured you wanted to take a look at it before he bangs it up . " " Yeah , the . 338 Magnum . Did the stock up in curly maple and got everything finished up . Kind of pretty if I say so myself , " said Charlie as they wandered into his study and got the rifle out of the weapons safe . It was a hand crafted bolt action Charlie had put together himself after the customer had supplied the parts and labor fees . It would have easily fetched $ 2 , 000 plus in a gun store since it was " hand crafted , " but Charlie enjoyed working with his hands and had only accepted a nominal fee . He did it more to prove he could rather than for money . Mack looked over the rifle and cleared it out as was his custom . He brought it up to his shoulder several times looking over the barrel each time . " Sure is a pretty thing , " said Mack . " You know , you don 't have to call my brother in law about this . I could just sneak it out and he wouldn 't ever know . " " The way he abuses stocks I might just let you . I tried to get him to go synthetic , but he wouldn 't budge . Just likes the look of wood too much , " said Charlie . " And it is a nice piece of maple . " The two exited the house and found Toby leaned up against the truck with Cindy back in the garden raking out the remainder of the litter . Mack shook Charlie 's hand and thanked him again for the hay . After Toby had gotten in , they departed and headed back to his farm . Charlie wandered over to Cindy while she continued raking . Charlie wandered over to the barn and looked at the item on the large table . He observed it from several angles before picking up a piece and looking at it in detail . There was some corrosion on it , but nothing that couldn 't be fixed with a little work . He put it up against the other part it was supposed to be attached to and found it was still a good fit . Finding a wire brush , he started removing the larger areas of rust , inspected it and did it again . Eventually he found it to his liking and set it down and grabbed another piece . As he worked , Cindy came in from behind him and watched silently . Finally the silence was too much for her and she had to say something . " Just curious , but how much do thirty bales of hay go for these days ? " she asked . " Because some folks can 't afford to pay me what it would cost . So instead I work out a trade that they can afford . Mack raises cows and slaughters them from time to time and sells off the meat . Plus he keeps some back for his family , but anyway , he traded me the beef for the hay . Works pretty well for us both , " said Charlie as he continued to scrape at the metal part . " They aren 't poor , they just don 't have a lot of money . They have a roof over their heads , food on the table and clothing on their backs . Being rich doesn 't always mean you have money , " said Charlie . " Too often , folks don 't . They tend to think if you don 't drive a big fancy car or live in a big house with a gold plated toilet , you are ' poor . ' But as long as you have something to eat , a place to sleep and a coat on your back , you have about everything you need , " said Charlie . " Cleaning off these parts . Rust was setting in , " said Charlie . " I 've got to go to the garden and check on the plants . Want to come along ? " " Grab one of those baskets over there , " he said and picked up one himself . Some of the veggies were already prepared even though it was only mid summer and he never let anything go to waste in his garden . He typically ate or canned what he grew and kept the trips to the grocery store to a minimum of once every two weeks . And he also always bought in bulk when he could for the things he couldn 't raise . " Probably got some tomatoes and cu * * * bers ready to go . Maybe a couple of heads of cauliflower , peppers and onions . Just depends on how the rains have been lately , " he said . " No , not really . I grew up around them and found it was the best , healthiest and cheapest way of providing food for myself . No sense in getting stuff out of the grocery store when I can grow it myself , " he answered . " Yes , of course , " he replied and looked over the field . It was four separate plots , but it was lush and the different patches were growing nicely . One plot of two acres was dedicated to corn , another three acres was wheat , another two to canola and a half acre was for standard vegetables . A fence surrounded the smaller garden to keep the wildlife out and a natural spring flowed nearby which also provided an outlet for his watermelons , cantaloupes and other vegetables that needed a lot of water to grow . His small farm was efficient and he typically sold his excess at the farmer 's markets in the area and to the larger companies that canned food . But the benefit was the fact he always had food on hand . They went through the fence in the garden and over to the cu * * * ber patch and found some of the large cu * * * bers and the small seedless ones ready to be picked . He went through , picking at the small weeds that had started to grow in the patch . He hadn 't thought to bring out a basket for weeding to take the small plants back to the composter . While he had a fairly decent sized farm for the area , he tended it mainly by himself . But three days a week , he had some of the local high school students come in and assist with tending to the weeds , picking the vegetables and other maintenance issues around the farm . Most were handpicked over the summer looking for work and Charlie wanted to put locals to work as opposed to the migrant workers that came in looking for jobs . However , last week , most of his help had been away and he had done most of the work himself . Although with Cindy around now , she could help out . The farm was a fairly efficient grower and he had weekly trips from the food processing people to pick up what he had grown . While they took the majority to be canned or used in other applications ( the canola was being used for biodiesel production ) , he sold some at the local farmers market in Erwin and sometimes in Johnson City . Other times , he had people coming directly to his farm to hand pick their own . It turned a tidy profit for him since the goods were handpicked and " organic " which appealed to a certain market . She went on her way picking both the large and small tomatoes and had one of the small ones . For some reason , it did taste better than the ones she had from the grocery store before . " These are really good . " " Always are out of the field , " he replied and moved on to the next patch . He showed her how to tell the onions were ready to be picked as he had staggered out the different planting times for them to keep him in onions over the winter . Some were the Vidalia types and others were the red and yellow varieties . Two heads of cauliflower were ready as well and he cut the stems near the roots and set them in the basket . Finally he was finished and they went back to the house . " Just a simple sandwich , " he said and washed up from the morning 's chores . She followed him and did the same in the kitchen sink as he got out the sandwich making materials . After she turned , she wondered what new concoction he was planning on making and had to ask . " Peanut butter and banana . Some people like them with mayonnaise , but I never cared for the taste . There 's other stuff if you want it , " he said . " Good enough for me , " he said as he sliced off the pieces of banana and put them on his sandwich . She did the same thing after he was finished and slid the pieces on her piece of bread after watching him . He said the blessing and grabbed a bag of chips from the cupboard . After taking a bite of the sandwich , she figured it wouldn 't kill her . " Reckon not … just not used to seeing a teenager do hard work without being prompted to do so . I 've got a bunch of youngins I bring up here around harvest to help out . They do what they have to , but I have to keep after a few of them , " he said . " If they weren 't getting paid , I figure they would just be sitting around looking at each other , " he said with a chuckle . " Guess so , " she said and started preparing another half a sandwich and finishing off the banana . She grabbed the peel and went towards the garbage , but wondered if there was something special he did with them . " This goes where ? " " Not as much as you might think . I recycle as well , the plastics , paper and cardboard go to the county center , the metals to a place in Johnson City , food scraps into the composter or to the chickens , yard waste into the composter or into one of the piles . Wood scraps for the stove in the winter . Sawdust into the chicken coops or onto one of the piles . Don 't have a lot I have to get rid of , " he said . " You 'll figure it out along the way , " he said as they finished up the brief lunch . " You go on and grab a shower . When you 're finished , we 'll head for the grocery store . " " Okay , " she said and put the plate in the sink and saw she needed to do the dishes again that night . Heading out to the cabin , she laid out her clothing and grabbed a quick shower . Her arms started to feel sore from doing the work , but it was a good hurt . She finished up quicker than normal and got dressed before going back to the house . She had a ton of questions about Charlie she wanted to ask , but still couldn 't think of a good way to bring them up . She found he had showered and changed already and was busy checking his e - mail . " I know , but I 'm doing it anyway , " he said as he locked the computer and headed out of the house . He locked the door behind him and jumped into the driver 's seat of his truck . Which reminded him of something . " You know how to drive ? " " How about we pretend like I didn 't hear that . I ain 't teaching a teenager to drive on the roads around here . Maybe later in the middle of a large parking lot with nothing to crash into , " he chuckled . " He asked if she was my daughter and asked for her date of birth as verification . He also said she made claims as to her home environment . He didn 't specify what claims she made , but it 's possible she told others about her arrangements here , " said Hassan . " We will probably be paid a visit by the Child Protective Services . They will investigate , but they will find nothing . Everyone here knows better than to talk of our arrangements with outsiders . Plus they always ask for the local police to assist as well . And you should know how we will assist , " said the policeman . " No , it 's better to leave it as it for now . Putting her in as kidnapped raises too many questions . If she is in the custody of any police agency , it would be best to leave it at that , " said the policeman . " We wait for the investigation by the Child Protective Services . Again , if she is in the custody of a law enforcement agency , she will be okay and returned in due time . But for the moment , we just need to wait , " said the policeman . " Of course , " said the policeman as they walked towards the mosque and took off their shoes . The policeman needed to borrow a prayer rug after washing his arms , face and symbolically washing his feet . The remainder of the community was coming in for the mid day prayer and the policeman knew his place was here . Additionally he knew the local Child Protective Services Agent was fairly new at his job . And being fairly new , he could easily be swayed by the testimony of both the police and the residents of this community . And if not … there were other ways of dealing with his curiosity . Well , the right thing to do is to start a formal inquiry , but who knows where that will lead . And in the mean time , what happens to her ? Do we keep her around here until New York makes up their mind ? And what happens if what she says is true ? We need some sort of confirmation on her story , but from a neutral source . We could bring in a professional to figure out if her story has merit , but I can feel she wasn 't lying about it . I have no idea why , but just a gut feeling I get from the whole deal . I 've never really had to deal with Muslims , but from the news , this would be right up their alley . I wish I had someone I could talk to about this … " Sheriff ? We 've got a problem out on the south end of the county again . Rock slide on I - 26 , " said a Deputy as he poked his head in and brought Mitch out of his thoughts . " Don 't know yet . Got a call from trucker on his way through and said he almost got hit . I 've got Ken and Brian heading out that way , " said the Deputy . " Okay , I 'll head out there . Do me a favor and give both the Tennessee and North Carolina State Patrol a call and let them know , " said Mitch as he was heading out the door . As he walked out of the court house and towards the parking lot , he continued to think about his problems and trying to find a way out of it . A way out that was acceptable to all . As he headed out of town and onto the onramp of I - 26 , he started formulating the report in his mind and how he needed to word it carefully . He also wondered who he might get to be the child psychologist to talk to Cindy . He didn 't know of any personally and would ask the hospital staff who they might recommend . But until then , he had a job to perform and headed towards the rock slide to see how bad it was . " Big enough for Erwin , " said Charlie as he nodded at several people and stopped to chat with others . It seemed like he knew just about everyone in the store and Cindy wasn 't used to what appeared to be strangers stopping to talk . She had spent her life mainly in larger urban areas where people tended not to know each other as much and was surprised at the small town atmosphere . She was introduced several times as his " niece " and everyone had the same comment … But Charlie was able to explain it all away by saying his family had tracked him down and he had a long lost brother in Ohio . It didn 't really explain her New York accent , but people didn 't seem to notice , or didn 't say anything . They politely introduced themselves and went on their business . After going through the grocery line , they went out to the truck and loaded everything up in the back seat and the cargo box . " Okay then , " he said as they entered the store . He went back to the automotive section and grabbed a couple of items off the shelf and tossed them into the basket . Continuing on , he found a few other items and grabbed them as well . He was interrupted in his thoughts by Cindy . " You never asked , " he said and peered into the sporting goods department . Nothing new caught his eye at that moment , but he did peek into the gun racks which reminded him to call John Pickens about his rifle . He wanted Mack to see it first , but needed to call the true owner of the rifle for him to come pick it up . " That 's not the reason why , " said Charlie . But is it the reason why ? Her wearing Annie 's old clothing makes me remember her ? She was just speaking her mind , like others have done as well . Maybe not so bluntly , but they say the same things using other words . Is it time for me to move on ? Maybe so . And it takes a fifteen year old to tell me this ? Maybe I was pushing a little too hard . " Come on over here , " he said and started wandering towards the clothing aisle . " No , not today . You feel guilty now and I can 't accept that . Why don 't you think it over and later if this is what you want to do , then we will do it , " said Cindy . Mitch rolled up to the rockslide and where his Deputies and State Troopers were diverting traffic around the worst of the slide . It wasn 't bad enough to shut down the entire Interstate , but would require attentive driving on the part of the drivers and careful monitoring by the police on scene . Seeing everything was going smoothly as it should , he pulled over to the side of the road and got out just to check on everyone and make sure they were doing okay . He continued thinking about his dilemma while he was walking between the posts until a voice stopped him . " Sure , let me grab the water out of the car , " she said and returned to her cruiser . She grabbed a backpack , dumped the contents into her trunk and put the bottles of water inside . After slinging it up , he offered to take it away . " Okay , it goes like this … A friend of mine picked up a runaway the other day in Erwin . Called me about it and asked for advice . She had quite the story to tell about why she was running away from home and I was doing a bit of investigating . I didn 't want the inquiry being able to be traced back to my terminal since it would give people a place to start looking . I used your terminal so I could be somewhat anonymous . I 'm sorry I lied to you , but I did it for your own protection , " he explained . " Yeah , we 're a regular Bonnie and Clyde all right . No , I think you are right , the less I get involved in this the better until we can figure some of these things out . For the moment , I would rather just help you with the request forms and get that sent to Nashville , " she said . " Ahhh ! Nope ! " she said with a raised finger stopping him . " Don 't tell a soul unless they really need to know . If this does turn out to be true , it could get ugly and only those who really need to know get to know . " Cindy woke up in the morning in another strange environment before figuring out she had dozed off on the couch in the living room . Once she tried to move , she found her body was still very sore from the work she had been doing and thought it best not to move too quickly until she got the opportunity to stretch out . She heard the coffee pot sputtering from the kitchen but didn 't hear Charlie . She attempted to be quiet , but still wasn 't fully awake and involuntarily stomped her feet as she went towards the kitchen . She looked out the back window and saw him standing over near a decent sized cherry tree near what appeared to be two stones . She pulled on her sandals left in the house and walked towards him , still not fully awake and still stomping her feet on the ground . " Didn 't realize I was , " she said and peered at what he happened to be looking at . She hadn 't been paying attention and saw the two stones were actually grave markers . Seven more markers were slightly behind the tree and off behind a vine covered fence . " I 'm not interrupting anything am I ? " " Yes , that 's my wife and daughter , " he said and turned to face her . " Sleep okay ? " " Don 't remember , " she said . " I can go back to the house if you want to be alone . " " Probably do . I make it a point to check out the coops every morning , " he said . " You feeling brave enough to take on the mutant chicken horde ? " " Come on , I 'll show you how to divert their attention , " he said and grabbed his cup of coffee . They went out to the chicken coops where the flock was getting out of bed as well with the roster crowing at the early morning sun . He opened the gate and the chickens immediately looked at him as they usually did this early in the morning . " Go ahead and dig it in . Don 't throw the dirt , just turn it over in say two or three places . They 'll go after the bugs and leave us alone . Also grab some of that corn feed and toss a handful or two out . They 'll love you for it , " he said . She did as instructed and turned over the dirt , the flock watching her the entire time making low clucking sounds while they looked at her . After she flipped over the first shovelful , the birds went crazy trying to be the first one to get in and find the bugs . She went over to another spot and dug up the same amount and watched as about half the flock went to the new location to find the treats she had uncovered . She laughed at the actions of the chickens and grabbed two handfuls of the feed and tossed it into the yard , averting the attention of the remaining birds that hadn 't gotten into the turned dirt . " Okay , that will keep their attention diverted for a few minutes . Let 's go get the eggs , " he said , but noticed one was following her around . It was the same one who had taken a keen interest in her yesterday . " Looks like you have an admirer . " They went into the roosting area and found several hens had laid over the previous day . A small basket was used to collect the eggs and to check on the nests . No serious maintenance was needed this morning and when they turned around , Cindy saw " her " chicken had followed them inside . " I 'm sure there have been stranger , " said Charlie as they walked out and closed the door behind them . The hen followed them all the way to the fence as the others were still scratching around for the feed and bugs except the one . She followed them all the way to the fence and continued watching until they entered the house . " No , " she said and left it at that . He didn 't want to pry any more about it considering her home background and let the matter drop . " Scrambled okay ? " " That sounds good , " she said and pulled out the ham from the refrigerator and grabbed two large slices . The biscuits were also coming along as she got everything ready for breakfast . It was a little easier this morning since she knew exactly how much ingredients to use for the biscuits , although she made an extra one that morning . " I 've never heard of White Lilly Flour before . " " Never saw it up north that I can recall , " she said as she rolled out the dough and cut the shapes out . Again , the leftover was rolled into a ball and put on the pan as well . Since they would take longer than the eggs , she put them in the stove and went back to the table and had a small glass of milk while she waited . Charlie had his ever present cup of coffee while looking over the Johnson City newspaper . The front page news wasn 't that exciting for a Sunday morning and the remainder of the paper really didn 't say a whole lot . He breezed over the sports section and saw the sportswriters were giving the Volunteers a better than even chance at cracking the top 25 that year since the returning players had the opportunity to season and they were returning a great deal of starters . With the off season they had the year prior , they certainly needed to do something amazing this season . Charlie interrupted his thoughts about football and went over to refill his cup of coffee . Cindy checked on the biscuits and decided it was time to go ahead and heat the ham and start the eggs . Things went a lot quicker after that as the smells filled the kitchen . The eggs were done quickly and the biscuits not long after and breakfast was served . After Charlie said grace , they both dug in and enjoyed the second full meal cooked by her . " Two hundred acres give or take . The land deeds were done before good surveying equipment came out and the back line is kind of hazy . It borders on the National Forest so it 's not a huge deal . Makes for a pretty big backyard , " he said . " Been in my wife 's family for ' bout a hundred years , actually a little more . They had the property after moving out here from Virginia … oh say 1900 or so and bought it up with their life savings . Been in her family ever since , " he said . " Can 't argue with that logic , " he said and continued to eat . They ended up splitting the last biscuit and finished up . She immediately set to the dishes while he grabbed the compost basket and put it in the composter he happened to be filling at that point in time . Another couple of weeks and he would have enough to stop filling it and unload the other . The piles were doing okay , but he poked holes in them to get air flow going down to the base to get the reactions done a little quicker . He knew he needed to use the tractor bucket and completely turn over the pile , but had been putting it off for some time . He found if he pushed the pile back and forth about every month , it would help speed up the time needed to decompose . And in decomposing , it would reduce the amount of funds spent on fertilizer in the spring when he planted . He figured for a quick trip out and about on the property he wouldn 't take the usual long gun , typically a shotgun , since it might frighten Cindy . Since that dealing with the meth heads a few years before , he took to carrying at least one long gun on him along with a pistol . However , while he didn 't plan on taking a long gun , he did plan on taking his full sized pistol along since he felt utterly useless without something that went boom on his hip or in the small of his back . And with going out on the property , something a little larger than the Kel - Tec he kept in his pocket while working . Going to the safe , he pulled out his stainless Springfield 1911 and leather holster and three magazines . He had a double mag pouch ready to go on his belt on top of the safe and put the two magazines inside of it . Charlie cleared the pistol even though he knew it was already empty , but good safety habits were hard to break . Sliding in a magazine to the pistol , he released the slide and chambered a round before engaging the safety . Sliding in the holster meant he had to remove his belt slightly , but he got it on and his pants were once again held up . He grabbed his standard baseball cap to wear around while walking the property , although as of late he was more and more considering a Stetson hat to go along with the image of a country cowboy . He additionally grabbed a small day pack with several items inside already and knew Cindy didn 't have a pack to wear , not one that was for hiking . So he went to the basement while she was still changing and grabbed a spare pack for her along with an old raincoat that had sat unused in a bin for several years . Another small pouch of items was tossed in and he went back upstairs to find her waiting for him . " No , I 've just never been around guns before . I told you . I guess I 'm kind of scared since a long time ago they taught us in school guns were bad , " she said . " Then guns aren 't that bad . People like to blame the sword for the hand that wields it . In this case , the gun has now become evil and the person who uses it innocent . How 's that for a messed up society ? " he asked . " No , not really . I mean , if a person is going to be evil , they are going to use a gun or a knife or even a toothbrush to get the job done . What tool they use … you led me right into that didn 't you ? " she asked , seeing he was far smarter than she gave him credit for . " Yes and no . Combat boots are designed for combat , rough treatment and somewhat comfort . Hiking and backpacking boots are designed to be comfortable for long hikes . Typically they are lighter , " he explained . " Yeah , let 's get to it , " he said as he shouldered up the small pack and locked up the door . They walked away from the house and he showed and pointed out the various buildings and what purpose they served . She knew a couple already , but the others were somewhat of a mystery to her . They came to the small mountain stream so prevalent in the Appalachian Mountains and followed it along the bed with a semi - worn trail . He explained the stream was more or less one of the boundaries of his property although it extended slightly on the other side as the stream had shifted its path over the years since the original deed had been written up . Crossing over at a shallow point , he showed her the original fence and markers for the property , large stones set into the ground delineating the property boundary . " Because back then , not a lot of folks could afford a nice fence . They used rocks to show the property boundaries since they were readily available . If you look , they form more or less a line , " he said as he pointed down . Several had gone missing over the years , moved to take advantage of the growing space in the edges of the old field , but the majority sat silently weathering away . " The property is kind of a trapezoidal shape more or less . The back ends come closer than the front side . So … maybe another half mile to the official property line , " he said . " Besides the legal troubles ? Some of the residents of this county would just as soon kill you and bury you out in the forest if you took a shot at them . They would want to avoid the long drawn out process of filing charges and settle things without having to involve the law , " said Charlie . " This part of Tennessee was the first to be settled with folks coming in from North Carolina . Actually this part of Tennessee was part of North Carolina to begin with . Anyway , the original Watauga Association was over near what is now Elizabethton , but had settlers that moved out and staked their own claim . This is kind of in between the Nolichucky and Watauga settlements and they think it might have been like an overnight place to stay when going between the two . But it didn 't pan out , " he said . " Kind of a new State that didn 't pan out . I 'll let you read about it , " he said and suddenly stopped . She had no idea why and peered in the direction he was , but didn 't see anything . Charlie pointed at a large oak tree and she saw the shape of a deer appear . It was quickly followed by another two does and two fawns . They were grazing quietly on the undergrowth near the tree and hadn 't been alerted to the presence of the humans yet . Cindy had never seen a deer in the complete wild before , but had seen them crossing the road from time to time in New York . They seemed to pay the humans no mind , but hadn 't noticed the two yet since they weren 't moving . One looked up and sniffed the air , noticing something was different . The group silently wandered off into the woods and was lost from sight . " Hmmm , how to explain ? Okay , you have a hundred people living on an island right ? They farm and have livestock for food and milk , but only enough for one hundred people . No excess , but enough to keep them healthy and growing . Okay so far ? " he asked . " Which is exactly what hunting does . There is only so much food for the deer population around here . Once you get an overpopulation of deer , they start to get malnourished and weaker . Then you get predators coming in , wolves , coyotes and such which also target farm animals . So hunting helps keep the balance of nature by limiting the population of the deer or whatever animal happens to be in season . It keeps the herds around here healthy believe it or not , " said Charlie . " Again , something of your liberal education . Hunting isn 't a bad thing . Sure there are some that just shoot an animal and leave it to rot . But folks I know believe in ethical hunting . I use what I kill and I mean everything . I don 't believe in killing for pleasure , but rather as helping the local populations thrive , " said Charlie . " I 've got the forms with me . We can fill them in by hand and I can type them out later , " she said and pulled a folder out of her bag . " And I brought lunch . " " Lunch sounds like a good deal . Let 's eat first and then get business out of the way , " he suggested . It was a simple affair , sandwiches from a local deli in Johnson City , but done the way he liked it . She had done her research ( and made a few phone calls to his office ) before making sure she had something he liked . They talked over little things during lunch before moving on to business . " That 's putting it mildly . I mean , besides the legalities , it 's just plain old sick . Who would want their daughter in that sort of situation ? " asked Sarah . " Okay , we can do an anonymous tip if you want and make it come from the Attorney General 's office . I can understand why you would be reluctant to put her out there for all to see . But let 's face it , if this goes to full blown investigation , she will have to be interviewed by other parties , " said Sarah . They continued filling out the form and finally finished it up . She promised to type it out as soon as she got back to the Trooper Barracks and have it sent to Nashville . After reviewing everything , she called it good and put it away in the folder . Then he moved on to other matters . " Well , okay . Yes , I know one that is affordable and can be bribed with dinner , " said Sarah . " Again , I 'm not sure if Charlie is into the dating scene or not . Probably would in this case though , but I 'll have to ask . If he says no , what then ? " asked Mitch . " Yes silly , I happen to be the child psychologist . I mean , not a certified clinical one , but my minor for my Masters Degree was in psychology and I keep up with it enough to get my counseling certification . The barracks uses that talent all the time . So for the price of dinner , I can be bribed to do a few favors , " said Sarah . " I knew there was something about you I liked . Being so smart and all , " said Mitch . " You don 't mind mixing business and pleasure ? " " I 'll see what I can come up with , " he said and walked her towards the door . The made it to the entrance of the courthouse and said their goodbyes . Not content with a simple handshake and not caring he was in uniform , she reached up and planted a light kiss on his lips . " You aren 't that old fashioned are you ? " he laughed , although surprised . It wasn 't the first time they had kissed , although the first time he was on duty when they did . " Bye , " he said and watched her walk away . He reentered the courthouse to a group watching him . They let out a big cheer and several catcalls were heard from the minor crowd . " About time Mitch , " said the senior deputy . " I know , " he said as the deputy followed him . " Fill me in on the Hawkins case . " The deputy started going over the case with Mitch and brought him up to speed with the current investigations . While he was talking , Mitch 's mind wandered over to thinking of Sarah and his nervousness around her . And the situation he was in . And the situation with Charlie . Just a lot of things that ran through his head as of late , far more than a typical small county sheriff should have to deal with . He decided to take care of one problem . " Jeff ? Mitch Brewer here … well , at least I called first … yeah , this afternoon … we 'll say it 's a social call … three o ' clock … see you then , " said Mitch as he ended the phone call to Jeff Tilson . " I 'm heading up to Jeff Tilson 's place at around three . " " Jeff 's a model citizen , you know that , " said Mitch as he looked at the clock and walked away . He had two hours before being able to go into the home of Jeff Tilson and would go out and see Charlie before making the long drive into the south end of the county . The drive helped organize his thoughts somewhat and he kept coming back to the same feelings he had since he first heard about the situation . Something just didn 't feel right about the whole thing to him . Getting out to Charlie 's farm , he saw several of the local teens out in the corn patch checking on the stalks . And he saw Cindy walking past with the Jones ' twins in close proximity . Apparently they had taken notice there was a new girl on the farm . Cindy waved at him and started walking towards the house . Mitch wandered over to the barn where Charlie was busy getting several logs ready to be cut up . Although he had natural gas for the house , he helped augment that with natural wood heat . And with the National Forest in his backyard , getting a steady supply of hardwoods wasn 't a big deal . He could have had the hired help work on the woodpile , but it was something he enjoyed doing himself . " Hey bud , don 't you have a bunch of strong teenagers for that ? " asked Mitch as he walked up . " I do , but you know I don 't mind something like this , " he said . " I know , " he said . " Take a break for a minute and come talk to me . " Charlie set down the chainsaw and made sure the axe was buried in a log . The splitter was a different matter and he buried it in a piece of oak gently . ' What 's on your mind ? " " Depends on the situation . That 's why I want some professional help in here . Even when Sarah does her thing and even if she does confirm the story , we will still need to have someone else come in and verify . Sarah is compromised because she is in a relationship with me , " said Mitch . " I know , I 'm just that kinda guy . No sense in getting all riled up over something out of our control . However , if what she says is true and the State messes this up , then you will see me get a little more concerned , " said Charlie . " No , and probably won 't be anything for a few days , " said Mitch . " But I do have a counselor for you to talk to . Be nice to her . " " Lord no . Called everywhere and even had two summer interns from Vanderbilt trying to chase it down . Nobody , and I mean nobody ever heard of such a thing . Called Yale , Harvard , Stanford and Columbia . None of them ever heard of such a thing . They 're still checking , but I don 't think we 're going to find an answer , " said Jimmy . " I understand , " said Cindy and took in a breath . " The problem here is my legal guardians , my parents . They want to force me to get married to a man thirty years older than I am . Plus my father is forcing me to perform in a religion I don 't want to . The community where I came from will protect the man I am supposed to be marrying , I saw it once before . He is practicing … what 's the word when you take on more than one wife ? " " That 's it . But either way , I don 't want to get married to him . First off , I 'm not of a legal age and I do not give consent . Secondly , I don 't want to be a Muslim . This violates my First Amendment Rights doesn 't it ? " she asked . " Well , hypothetically speaking yes . You aren 't of a legal age to be married without your parents ' permission . Now having said that , typically the bride to be has to be consenting as well . As for the First Amendment Rights , I 'll have to check up on that , but I don 't recall there being an age factor with that , " said Jimmy . " Anything else ? " " Jimmy , you and I go way back . And you and I both know she could be in serious trouble here . If the local police are covering for this guy up there , how far do you think the local child protective services is going to get ? And you and I both know she needs some sort of legal protection as well , " said Charlie . " No , not really . I love my parents and my family . I just want to do something to make him come to his senses . It 's a really bad idea , I know , but hopefully it would shock him to see what is really going on , " said Cindy . " I just want this whole thing to stop . If I go back , I 'm going to continue being abused . And they will marry me off to that sick pervert . And I will be raped . Nothing New York can do will stop that , " said Cindy , starting to lose control . " My mother and my sister also get abused . I can only imagine what happened when I left . My father and his choice of religions is the central part of the problem here and something needs to be done to make him see he is losing his family . " " Ma ' am , either way the whole divorcing of the parents idea is not really my cup of tea . I 'll tell you what though . For the moment , I 'll take you on as a probationary client . I 'm not saying it will work out in the long run , but at the same time , I understand you have rights no matter what age you are . And the cir * * * stances are unusual to say the least . I 'll do some checking , but I 've got to say this right now , I 'm probably going to recommend another lawyer for you . I 'll help out as much as I can , but this is way out of my league . I 've got a friend in Knoxville that is one of the best in the State . Let me give him a call and see what he recommends , " said Jimmy . " Foster parents have a certain amount of control . Long story short , she can be declared a ward of the State and then the State asserts in loco parentis on that child . But we would have to make it legal as in before a court to have you declared as a ward . What the sheriff did wasn 't exactly legal , but it wasn 't illegal either . There is a gray area there , but typically the judge would take the situation into consideration . I don 't believe Unicoi County has a juvenile program , so it 's fitting she be sent to a home in the mean time . " " Now , what we need to do is get a statement on record . An official sworn statement affirming what has happened . We take that to a judge and have him or her sign off on the exigency of the situation . Since your sheriff , which I will need to talk to in order for our ducks to be in a row , has seen fit to file the complaint , the motion should go forward pretty quickly . But again , the State cannot take custody of a child unless there are exigent cir * * * stances , " said Jimmy . " You have , just not officially . We will have to have you make a sworn statement testifying to the fact your parents are abusing you and the other items of concern . Mister Kellogg will go before the judge , possibly with you as well , and make the case you need to be pulled from your home , " said Charlie . " Now Jimmy , how does that work over State lines ? " " That 's the tricky part Charlie . I have no idea . Typically we would turn them over to the State in question and let them work that out , " said Jimmy . " I don 't know . I 'll have to talk to my friend in Knoxville about that . He may even recommend a lawyer from New York since that 's the State we happen to be dealing with , " said Jimmy . " You probably will for the investigation portion of the case . My guess is they will pull you from the home during the investigation and see what that turns up . I honestly don 't know , but that 's pretty par for the course around here . When we suspect physical or sexual abuse is going on , we automatically pull the child from the home , " said Jimmy . " I 'll also need to get a hold of the Sheriff and talk to him , make sure he 's doing things by the book . Typically families have to be certified by the State , but it 's typically a formality if the county signs off . He had your home declared a foster home ? " asked Jimmy . They went through the line and were seated before grabbing plates for the buffet line . He was surprised at the amount she was eating and he never thought a smaller girl like she was could stuff away the plate she had brought back from the salad bar . She especially loved the seafood salad and got more when she went for her main food items . When she returned , he was just finishing up his first plate . " It 's a vegetable . Like a flower sort of , but you eat the seed pods . I planted some in the garden , but it doesn 't do to well on the farm , " he said . " I don 't know . Just never has , " he said and got up to get something other than salad . When he returned , she had a serious question for him . " Pretty good I would say . People don 't care for abuse all that much and the fact you were supposed to be married to a man older than me is not good either . I think you 'll end up in the right on this one , " he said . " No , it 's a serious problem around these parts . Just saw it last week downtown . Young girl about 15 years old got eaten by a brontosaurus in front of the movie theater , " he said . " The way I 've been working ? No . Plus I 've starting to muscle up you know ? Swinging that axe is some work , " she said . " Watch me , " she said and went over to the dessert bar and grabbed a bowl of ice cream . He decided he could cheat a little and grab himself a piece of apple pie sitting out . After they finished up , he left a tip and they drove the short distance to the mall . " I 'm just here to look , " she said and headed towards the JC Penny . He was fairly certain she would find something she liked and he might buy it depending on the situation . She needed another outfit for the additional lawyer trips and probably something to see the judge in if she went to court . He decided to play that one by ear and wait it out . She was browsing the women 's clothing and after about twenty minutes he became impatient . " Why not ? " she asked . " I mean , if you don 't mind stopping at the Wal - Mart on the way home . I do have a little money . " " Would you ? Oh please , please , please ! Please buy me a chainsaw Uncle Charlie ! Please ! " she exclaimed as she bounced up and down in front of him , earning the attention of several people in the store . " No , just being biased . I like the Stihl brand myself . Others like Husqvarna . Those two are about the top of the line models you can get , " he replied as they got into the truck . " I would if I had to , but I 've always had good experiences with Stihl . I mean , if Stihl wasn 't available and all they had was Husky , I would buy Husky . But you tend to stick with brands you are comfortable with , " he explained . " Nah , I 'll keep you around for the moment , " said Charlie . The remainder of the drive to the historic site was spent in idle chit chat with him showing her various things around the area . After pulling in , she was able to peek through the trees and see the reconstructed fort put up on the site . " Yeah , I know , but it 's cool , " she said and anxiously jumped out of the truck . It was nice to see some enthusiasm for learning in a teenager and he let her pretty much guide him on his way through the area , although having been there several times herself . She would bring up this tidbit of information and that and recall seeing some of the things in the book . They culminated the visit with a trip out to the fort where she decided it wasn 't so grand living in the small cabins inside the settlement area , but also recognized the fact it wouldn 't be so grand to have Native Americans banging on the door with blood in their eyes and knives in hand without some form of protection . She genuinely seemed happy to have seen some of the historical things the area had to offer and had a grin on her face as she had seen some of the things she had only read about for a change . After departing , they went to the local Wal - Mart where she picked out three sets of running shorts along with a pair of shoes . She attempted to put down her money to help pay , but he refused , calling it his " charity " again . Happy to see her in a good state of mind , they departed and headed back to the farm where she fixed dinner and had another evening where he plopped down behind the computer and she started reading once again . Night came upon them both where she retired to the cabin and continued to read while he went straight to bed , still worrying about what her future was going to be like . " Thanks , " she said and went to the back to change . She was heading straight for Mitch 's house from here and didn 't want to have to change out of her State Patrol uniform after she got there . But since there was dinner afterwards , she did up her makeup and made sure her hair was in order . She didn 't plan of a huge deal for dinner and didn 't get all that dressed up , but the thoughts of spending the evening with Mitch gave her a spring in her step that was recognized by all in the barracks as she gathered her things . While she was finishing up , her cell phone rang . She ended the call herself and tossed her cell phone in her purse . She was unconsciously smiling about the phone call and how she felt around Mitch . Others in the station saw the look on her face and decided she had a big date that night . But the grin on her face was the ultimate tell to her mood . Cindy went to the cabin and got a shower to clean up while Charlie did the same thing in the house . Lunch was a simple affair of a sandwich and chips with Charlie seeing peanut butter and banana was quickly becoming her favorite type of sandwich as she made another one for lunch . He would have to pick up more bananas at the store later , but it was not a big deal as she was getting some healthy foods in her system instead of junk that teenagers typically ate . And for snacks , she preferred the fresh veggies they had taken from the garden as opposed to the other items he had around the house . The four sat on the porch and passed the next fifteen minutes in small talk and sipped at their drinks . Cindy noticed Mitch was completely engrossed with whatever Sarah happened to be talking about and vice versa with her . It was like watching some sappy romance novel unfolding on the front porch . Sarah would ask a few questions here and there of Cindy , trying to gauge her reactions along with what her general mood seemed to be . She got a feel for what the interview would be like and would more on as soon as the socializing finished up . Charlie sensed the pleasantries were finished up and moved on . " I 'm okay I guess . Relaxed for the first time in a while , " said Cindy with a fake grin . She was still a bit hesitant around strangers … all except Charlie . " Sweetie , I 'm going to tell you exactly why I 'm here . Mitch called me up the other day and asked me to come over . I 'm a certified counselor . I minored in it from ETSU and Charlie and Mitch wanted me to talk to you , " said Sarah . " No , just someone to talk to if you would like ; off the record if you want it to be . Poor Charlie and Mitch are in way over their heads and asked me to help . Sometimes it 's better for us girls to talk you know ? " she asked . " I don 't know . Old fashioned I suppose . It 's kind of the man 's place to start that sort of conversation , " said Sarah . Sarah looked at her and started laughing . She knew what Cindy was getting at and appreciated her own little piece of advice right then . " So you feel up to talking ? " " I hope nothing important . Talked to your Kellogg friend yesterday and he gave me an earful . Which reminds me , I 've got some paperwork for you to sign in the truck , " said Mitch . " Enough of them don 't , I suppose , " said Charlie as he flipped on the saw and started sliding the piece of walnut through the saw . Mitch was ready to catch the pieces on the other side as they came through and had put on a pair of safety glasses . The saw cut through the piece fairly effortlessly and split it into two pieces roughly the same size . " Well , he originally wanted a matching pair for Mack and Toby . I told him I probably wouldn 't have the time . Might , might not , but I 'll give it a go , " said Charlie . " Sure did , but for matching pairs , the same length won 't hurt . Besides , they have about the same build , " said Charlie , looking at the piece and getting ready for the second cut . Again the machine was flipped on and the ends were trimmed off both pieces . Charlie made two more cuts before looking at the ends and calling it good for the moment . There was still one more cut to be made and then the detailed craftsmanship would be started .
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Leaving the coops , he saw Mack Reynolds ' truck coming down the driveway pulling a trailer . Mack was behind the wheel and his son was in the passenger seat . Charlie motioned them over to the barn while locking up the yard and walking over towards the area . Cindy saw the truck and stopped what she was doing and went over to help . His son stepped out of the truck and grabbed a large cooler from the rear . It looked fairly heavy , but Mack 's son had grown up quite a bit since the last time Charlie had seen him . " Toby , you know where my deep freezer is ? " " No big deal Mack . Stuff 's going to rot if I don 't get it used up anyway , " said Charlie . " That Toby sure has sprouted this past year . " " Yeah , talked to the coach the other day . Toby 's going to miss summer camp , but the coach said it wasn 't a big deal , " said Mack . " Who 's this ? " " Charlie , hate to rush you , but we 've got to get this stowed and head on out to the pasture . Have to set in some new fence posts and put the rails back up . Got knocked out in the storm last week , " said Mack . " Yeah , that big elm . Got hit by lightning and split the largest branch off . Planning on cutting the whole thing down since it keeps dropping limbs on my fence , " said Mack as they walked into the barn . " Let me come up . Might be something I can use if you don 't mind . If so , I 'll replace it from the stuff on my property , " said Charlie . " Toby , go ahead and drop the gate on the trailer , " said Mack as his son had reappeared behind them . He went over and dropped the gate on the truck as Charlie and Mack put on gloves to grab the bales and toss them into the truck . Toby had already gotten on the trailer to put them in the back . " Long as you don 't overdo it , sure , " said Charlie as he grabbed the first bale . She slipped on the flight gloves and grabbed at another , the soreness starting to come back . The raking had worked her muscles loose , but her arms started to protest as she grabbed the first bale . But again , she was determined to do what she needed to do and carried it over to the truck . Toby was on the trailer and grabbed the end and pulled it out of her hands . She moved a little slower , but had two other people helping her out so the moving wouldn 't be as hard . By the time she made her fifth trip , Charlie and Mack had already moved close to ten . She grabbed one more and moved it towards the truck before she was stopped by Charlie . " Nope , last one and take a break , " he said and grabbed another off the ground . She was about to argue until her arms told her a different story . She went to the truck and hauled it up before it was snatched away by Toby . She leaned against the bumper of the trailer and watched as Mack and Charlie grabbed the remaining bales and moved them over . She did take the time to notice Toby was ignoring her , focusing entirely on the work . She wasn 't sure why , but she didn 't see him look at her any . She figured she would at least introduce herself and try to be sociable . " Hi , " she said to Toby as he came back to the edge of the truck . He just looked at her and smiled shyly before grabbing the next bale of hay brought over . Cindy wondered if it was a lost cause and decided to go back to the garden plot where she had been raking . After the remaining bales were loaded , the two men took a break as well . " If you talk to him , let him know his rifle is ready . Got it finished up the other day , " said Charlie . " I was going to call , but I figured you wanted to take a look at it before he bangs it up . " " Yeah , the . 338 Magnum . Did the stock up in curly maple and got everything finished up . Kind of pretty if I say so myself , " said Charlie as they wandered into his study and got the rifle out of the weapons safe . It was a hand crafted bolt action Charlie had put together himself after the customer had supplied the parts and labor fees . It would have easily fetched $ 2 , 000 plus in a gun store since it was " hand crafted , " but Charlie enjoyed working with his hands and had only accepted a nominal fee . He did it more to prove he could rather than for money . Mack looked over the rifle and cleared it out as was his custom . He brought it up to his shoulder several times looking over the barrel each time . " Sure is a pretty thing , " said Mack . " You know , you don 't have to call my brother in law about this . I could just sneak it out and he wouldn 't ever know . " " The way he abuses stocks I might just let you . I tried to get him to go synthetic , but he wouldn 't budge . Just likes the look of wood too much , " said Charlie . " And it is a nice piece of maple . " The two exited the house and found Toby leaned up against the truck with Cindy back in the garden raking out the remainder of the litter . Mack shook Charlie 's hand and thanked him again for the hay . After Toby had gotten in , they departed and headed back to his farm . Charlie wandered over to Cindy while she continued raking . Charlie wandered over to the barn and looked at the item on the large table . He observed it from several angles before picking up a piece and looking at it in detail . There was some corrosion on it , but nothing that couldn 't be fixed with a little work . He put it up against the other part it was supposed to be attached to and found it was still a good fit . Finding a wire brush , he started removing the larger areas of rust , inspected it and did it again . Eventually he found it to his liking and set it down and grabbed another piece . As he worked , Cindy came in from behind him and watched silently . Finally the silence was too much for her and she had to say something . " Just curious , but how much do thirty bales of hay go for these days ? " she asked . " Because some folks can 't afford to pay me what it would cost . So instead I work out a trade that they can afford . Mack raises cows and slaughters them from time to time and sells off the meat . Plus he keeps some back for his family , but anyway , he traded me the beef for the hay . Works pretty well for us both , " said Charlie as he continued to scrape at the metal part . " They aren 't poor , they just don 't have a lot of money . They have a roof over their heads , food on the table and clothing on their backs . Being rich doesn 't always mean you have money , " said Charlie . " Too often , folks don 't . They tend to think if you don 't drive a big fancy car or live in a big house with a gold plated toilet , you are ' poor . ' But as long as you have something to eat , a place to sleep and a coat on your back , you have about everything you need , " said Charlie . " Cleaning off these parts . Rust was setting in , " said Charlie . " I 've got to go to the garden and check on the plants . Want to come along ? " " Grab one of those baskets over there , " he said and picked up one himself . Some of the veggies were already prepared even though it was only mid summer and he never let anything go to waste in his garden . He typically ate or canned what he grew and kept the trips to the grocery store to a minimum of once every two weeks . And he also always bought in bulk when he could for the things he couldn 't raise . " Probably got some tomatoes and cu * * * bers ready to go . Maybe a couple of heads of cauliflower , peppers and onions . Just depends on how the rains have been lately , " he said . " No , not really . I grew up around them and found it was the best , healthiest and cheapest way of providing food for myself . No sense in getting stuff out of the grocery store when I can grow it myself , " he answered . " Yes , of course , " he replied and looked over the field . It was four separate plots , but it was lush and the different patches were growing nicely . One plot of two acres was dedicated to corn , another three acres was wheat , another two to canola and a half acre was for standard vegetables . A fence surrounded the smaller garden to keep the wildlife out and a natural spring flowed nearby which also provided an outlet for his watermelons , cantaloupes and other vegetables that needed a lot of water to grow . His small farm was efficient and he typically sold his excess at the farmer 's markets in the area and to the larger companies that canned food . But the benefit was the fact he always had food on hand . They went through the fence in the garden and over to the cu * * * ber patch and found some of the large cu * * * bers and the small seedless ones ready to be picked . He went through , picking at the small weeds that had started to grow in the patch . He hadn 't thought to bring out a basket for weeding to take the small plants back to the composter . While he had a fairly decent sized farm for the area , he tended it mainly by himself . But three days a week , he had some of the local high school students come in and assist with tending to the weeds , picking the vegetables and other maintenance issues around the farm . Most were handpicked over the summer looking for work and Charlie wanted to put locals to work as opposed to the migrant workers that came in looking for jobs . However , last week , most of his help had been away and he had done most of the work himself . Although with Cindy around now , she could help out . The farm was a fairly efficient grower and he had weekly trips from the food processing people to pick up what he had grown . While they took the majority to be canned or used in other applications ( the canola was being used for biodiesel production ) , he sold some at the local farmers market in Erwin and sometimes in Johnson City . Other times , he had people coming directly to his farm to hand pick their own . It turned a tidy profit for him since the goods were handpicked and " organic " which appealed to a certain market . She went on her way picking both the large and small tomatoes and had one of the small ones . For some reason , it did taste better than the ones she had from the grocery store before . " These are really good . " " Always are out of the field , " he replied and moved on to the next patch . He showed her how to tell the onions were ready to be picked as he had staggered out the different planting times for them to keep him in onions over the winter . Some were the Vidalia types and others were the red and yellow varieties . Two heads of cauliflower were ready as well and he cut the stems near the roots and set them in the basket . Finally he was finished and they went back to the house . " Just a simple sandwich , " he said and washed up from the morning 's chores . She followed him and did the same in the kitchen sink as he got out the sandwich making materials . After she turned , she wondered what new concoction he was planning on making and had to ask . " Peanut butter and banana . Some people like them with mayonnaise , but I never cared for the taste . There 's other stuff if you want it , " he said . " Good enough for me , " he said as he sliced off the pieces of banana and put them on his sandwich . She did the same thing after he was finished and slid the pieces on her piece of bread after watching him . He said the blessing and grabbed a bag of chips from the cupboard . After taking a bite of the sandwich , she figured it wouldn 't kill her . " Reckon not … just not used to seeing a teenager do hard work without being prompted to do so . I 've got a bunch of youngins I bring up here around harvest to help out . They do what they have to , but I have to keep after a few of them , " he said . " If they weren 't getting paid , I figure they would just be sitting around looking at each other , " he said with a chuckle . " Guess so , " she said and started preparing another half a sandwich and finishing off the banana . She grabbed the peel and went towards the garbage , but wondered if there was something special he did with them . " This goes where ? " " Not as much as you might think . I recycle as well , the plastics , paper and cardboard go to the county center , the metals to a place in Johnson City , food scraps into the composter or to the chickens , yard waste into the composter or into one of the piles . Wood scraps for the stove in the winter . Sawdust into the chicken coops or onto one of the piles . Don 't have a lot I have to get rid of , " he said . " You 'll figure it out along the way , " he said as they finished up the brief lunch . " You go on and grab a shower . When you 're finished , we 'll head for the grocery store . " " Okay , " she said and put the plate in the sink and saw she needed to do the dishes again that night . Heading out to the cabin , she laid out her clothing and grabbed a quick shower . Her arms started to feel sore from doing the work , but it was a good hurt . She finished up quicker than normal and got dressed before going back to the house . She had a ton of questions about Charlie she wanted to ask , but still couldn 't think of a good way to bring them up . She found he had showered and changed already and was busy checking his e - mail . " I know , but I 'm doing it anyway , " he said as he locked the computer and headed out of the house . He locked the door behind him and jumped into the driver 's seat of his truck . Which reminded him of something . " You know how to drive ? " " How about we pretend like I didn 't hear that . I ain 't teaching a teenager to drive on the roads around here . Maybe later in the middle of a large parking lot with nothing to crash into , " he chuckled . " He asked if she was my daughter and asked for her date of birth as verification . He also said she made claims as to her home environment . He didn 't specify what claims she made , but it 's possible she told others about her arrangements here , " said Hassan . " We will probably be paid a visit by the Child Protective Services . They will investigate , but they will find nothing . Everyone here knows better than to talk of our arrangements with outsiders . Plus they always ask for the local police to assist as well . And you should know how we will assist , " said the policeman . " No , it 's better to leave it as it for now . Putting her in as kidnapped raises too many questions . If she is in the custody of any police agency , it would be best to leave it at that , " said the policeman . " We wait for the investigation by the Child Protective Services . Again , if she is in the custody of a law enforcement agency , she will be okay and returned in due time . But for the moment , we just need to wait , " said the policeman . " Of course , " said the policeman as they walked towards the mosque and took off their shoes . The policeman needed to borrow a prayer rug after washing his arms , face and symbolically washing his feet . The remainder of the community was coming in for the mid day prayer and the policeman knew his place was here . Additionally he knew the local Child Protective Services Agent was fairly new at his job . And being fairly new , he could easily be swayed by the testimony of both the police and the residents of this community . And if not … there were other ways of dealing with his curiosity . Well , the right thing to do is to start a formal inquiry , but who knows where that will lead . And in the mean time , what happens to her ? Do we keep her around here until New York makes up their mind ? And what happens if what she says is true ? We need some sort of confirmation on her story , but from a neutral source . We could bring in a professional to figure out if her story has merit , but I can feel she wasn 't lying about it . I have no idea why , but just a gut feeling I get from the whole deal . I 've never really had to deal with Muslims , but from the news , this would be right up their alley . I wish I had someone I could talk to about this … " Sheriff ? We 've got a problem out on the south end of the county again . Rock slide on I - 26 , " said a Deputy as he poked his head in and brought Mitch out of his thoughts . " Don 't know yet . Got a call from trucker on his way through and said he almost got hit . I 've got Ken and Brian heading out that way , " said the Deputy . " Okay , I 'll head out there . Do me a favor and give both the Tennessee and North Carolina State Patrol a call and let them know , " said Mitch as he was heading out the door . As he walked out of the court house and towards the parking lot , he continued to think about his problems and trying to find a way out of it . A way out that was acceptable to all . As he headed out of town and onto the onramp of I - 26 , he started formulating the report in his mind and how he needed to word it carefully . He also wondered who he might get to be the child psychologist to talk to Cindy . He didn 't know of any personally and would ask the hospital staff who they might recommend . But until then , he had a job to perform and headed towards the rock slide to see how bad it was . " Big enough for Erwin , " said Charlie as he nodded at several people and stopped to chat with others . It seemed like he knew just about everyone in the store and Cindy wasn 't used to what appeared to be strangers stopping to talk . She had spent her life mainly in larger urban areas where people tended not to know each other as much and was surprised at the small town atmosphere . She was introduced several times as his " niece " and everyone had the same comment … But Charlie was able to explain it all away by saying his family had tracked him down and he had a long lost brother in Ohio . It didn 't really explain her New York accent , but people didn 't seem to notice , or didn 't say anything . They politely introduced themselves and went on their business . After going through the grocery line , they went out to the truck and loaded everything up in the back seat and the cargo box . " Okay then , " he said as they entered the store . He went back to the automotive section and grabbed a couple of items off the shelf and tossed them into the basket . Continuing on , he found a few other items and grabbed them as well . He was interrupted in his thoughts by Cindy . " You never asked , " he said and peered into the sporting goods department . Nothing new caught his eye at that moment , but he did peek into the gun racks which reminded him to call John Pickens about his rifle . He wanted Mack to see it first , but needed to call the true owner of the rifle for him to come pick it up . " That 's not the reason why , " said Charlie . But is it the reason why ? Her wearing Annie 's old clothing makes me remember her ? She was just speaking her mind , like others have done as well . Maybe not so bluntly , but they say the same things using other words . Is it time for me to move on ? Maybe so . And it takes a fifteen year old to tell me this ? Maybe I was pushing a little too hard . " Come on over here , " he said and started wandering towards the clothing aisle . " No , not today . You feel guilty now and I can 't accept that . Why don 't you think it over and later if this is what you want to do , then we will do it , " said Cindy . Mitch rolled up to the rockslide and where his Deputies and State Troopers were diverting traffic around the worst of the slide . It wasn 't bad enough to shut down the entire Interstate , but would require attentive driving on the part of the drivers and careful monitoring by the police on scene . Seeing everything was going smoothly as it should , he pulled over to the side of the road and got out just to check on everyone and make sure they were doing okay . He continued thinking about his dilemma while he was walking between the posts until a voice stopped him . " Sure , let me grab the water out of the car , " she said and returned to her cruiser . She grabbed a backpack , dumped the contents into her trunk and put the bottles of water inside . After slinging it up , he offered to take it away . " Okay , it goes like this … A friend of mine picked up a runaway the other day in Erwin . Called me about it and asked for advice . She had quite the story to tell about why she was running away from home and I was doing a bit of investigating . I didn 't want the inquiry being able to be traced back to my terminal since it would give people a place to start looking . I used your terminal so I could be somewhat anonymous . I 'm sorry I lied to you , but I did it for your own protection , " he explained . " Yeah , we 're a regular Bonnie and Clyde all right . No , I think you are right , the less I get involved in this the better until we can figure some of these things out . For the moment , I would rather just help you with the request forms and get that sent to Nashville , " she said . " Ahhh ! Nope ! " she said with a raised finger stopping him . " Don 't tell a soul unless they really need to know . If this does turn out to be true , it could get ugly and only those who really need to know get to know . " Cindy woke up in the morning in another strange environment before figuring out she had dozed off on the couch in the living room . Once she tried to move , she found her body was still very sore from the work she had been doing and thought it best not to move too quickly until she got the opportunity to stretch out . She heard the coffee pot sputtering from the kitchen but didn 't hear Charlie . She attempted to be quiet , but still wasn 't fully awake and involuntarily stomped her feet as she went towards the kitchen . She looked out the back window and saw him standing over near a decent sized cherry tree near what appeared to be two stones . She pulled on her sandals left in the house and walked towards him , still not fully awake and still stomping her feet on the ground . " Didn 't realize I was , " she said and peered at what he happened to be looking at . She hadn 't been paying attention and saw the two stones were actually grave markers . Seven more markers were slightly behind the tree and off behind a vine covered fence . " I 'm not interrupting anything am I ? " " Yes , that 's my wife and daughter , " he said and turned to face her . " Sleep okay ? " " Don 't remember , " she said . " I can go back to the house if you want to be alone . " " Probably do . I make it a point to check out the coops every morning , " he said . " You feeling brave enough to take on the mutant chicken horde ? " " Come on , I 'll show you how to divert their attention , " he said and grabbed his cup of coffee . They went out to the chicken coops where the flock was getting out of bed as well with the roster crowing at the early morning sun . He opened the gate and the chickens immediately looked at him as they usually did this early in the morning . " Go ahead and dig it in . Don 't throw the dirt , just turn it over in say two or three places . They 'll go after the bugs and leave us alone . Also grab some of that corn feed and toss a handful or two out . They 'll love you for it , " he said . She did as instructed and turned over the dirt , the flock watching her the entire time making low clucking sounds while they looked at her . After she flipped over the first shovelful , the birds went crazy trying to be the first one to get in and find the bugs . She went over to another spot and dug up the same amount and watched as about half the flock went to the new location to find the treats she had uncovered . She laughed at the actions of the chickens and grabbed two handfuls of the feed and tossed it into the yard , averting the attention of the remaining birds that hadn 't gotten into the turned dirt . " Okay , that will keep their attention diverted for a few minutes . Let 's go get the eggs , " he said , but noticed one was following her around . It was the same one who had taken a keen interest in her yesterday . " Looks like you have an admirer . " They went into the roosting area and found several hens had laid over the previous day . A small basket was used to collect the eggs and to check on the nests . No serious maintenance was needed this morning and when they turned around , Cindy saw " her " chicken had followed them inside . " I 'm sure there have been stranger , " said Charlie as they walked out and closed the door behind them . The hen followed them all the way to the fence as the others were still scratching around for the feed and bugs except the one . She followed them all the way to the fence and continued watching until they entered the house . " No , " she said and left it at that . He didn 't want to pry any more about it considering her home background and let the matter drop . " Scrambled okay ? " " That sounds good , " she said and pulled out the ham from the refrigerator and grabbed two large slices . The biscuits were also coming along as she got everything ready for breakfast . It was a little easier this morning since she knew exactly how much ingredients to use for the biscuits , although she made an extra one that morning . " I 've never heard of White Lilly Flour before . " " Never saw it up north that I can recall , " she said as she rolled out the dough and cut the shapes out . Again , the leftover was rolled into a ball and put on the pan as well . Since they would take longer than the eggs , she put them in the stove and went back to the table and had a small glass of milk while she waited . Charlie had his ever present cup of coffee while looking over the Johnson City newspaper . The front page news wasn 't that exciting for a Sunday morning and the remainder of the paper really didn 't say a whole lot . He breezed over the sports section and saw the sportswriters were giving the Volunteers a better than even chance at cracking the top 25 that year since the returning players had the opportunity to season and they were returning a great deal of starters . With the off season they had the year prior , they certainly needed to do something amazing this season . Charlie interrupted his thoughts about football and went over to refill his cup of coffee . Cindy checked on the biscuits and decided it was time to go ahead and heat the ham and start the eggs . Things went a lot quicker after that as the smells filled the kitchen . The eggs were done quickly and the biscuits not long after and breakfast was served . After Charlie said grace , they both dug in and enjoyed the second full meal cooked by her . " Two hundred acres give or take . The land deeds were done before good surveying equipment came out and the back line is kind of hazy . It borders on the National Forest so it 's not a huge deal . Makes for a pretty big backyard , " he said . " Been in my wife 's family for ' bout a hundred years , actually a little more . They had the property after moving out here from Virginia … oh say 1900 or so and bought it up with their life savings . Been in her family ever since , " he said . " Can 't argue with that logic , " he said and continued to eat . They ended up splitting the last biscuit and finished up . She immediately set to the dishes while he grabbed the compost basket and put it in the composter he happened to be filling at that point in time . Another couple of weeks and he would have enough to stop filling it and unload the other . The piles were doing okay , but he poked holes in them to get air flow going down to the base to get the reactions done a little quicker . He knew he needed to use the tractor bucket and completely turn over the pile , but had been putting it off for some time . He found if he pushed the pile back and forth about every month , it would help speed up the time needed to decompose . And in decomposing , it would reduce the amount of funds spent on fertilizer in the spring when he planted . He figured for a quick trip out and about on the property he wouldn 't take the usual long gun , typically a shotgun , since it might frighten Cindy . Since that dealing with the meth heads a few years before , he took to carrying at least one long gun on him along with a pistol . However , while he didn 't plan on taking a long gun , he did plan on taking his full sized pistol along since he felt utterly useless without something that went boom on his hip or in the small of his back . And with going out on the property , something a little larger than the Kel - Tec he kept in his pocket while working . Going to the safe , he pulled out his stainless Springfield 1911 and leather holster and three magazines . He had a double mag pouch ready to go on his belt on top of the safe and put the two magazines inside of it . Charlie cleared the pistol even though he knew it was already empty , but good safety habits were hard to break . Sliding in a magazine to the pistol , he released the slide and chambered a round before engaging the safety . Sliding in the holster meant he had to remove his belt slightly , but he got it on and his pants were once again held up . He grabbed his standard baseball cap to wear around while walking the property , although as of late he was more and more considering a Stetson hat to go along with the image of a country cowboy . He additionally grabbed a small day pack with several items inside already and knew Cindy didn 't have a pack to wear , not one that was for hiking . So he went to the basement while she was still changing and grabbed a spare pack for her along with an old raincoat that had sat unused in a bin for several years . Another small pouch of items was tossed in and he went back upstairs to find her waiting for him . " No , I 've just never been around guns before . I told you . I guess I 'm kind of scared since a long time ago they taught us in school guns were bad , " she said . " Then guns aren 't that bad . People like to blame the sword for the hand that wields it . In this case , the gun has now become evil and the person who uses it innocent . How 's that for a messed up society ? " he asked . " No , not really . I mean , if a person is going to be evil , they are going to use a gun or a knife or even a toothbrush to get the job done . What tool they use … you led me right into that didn 't you ? " she asked , seeing he was far smarter than she gave him credit for . " Yes and no . Combat boots are designed for combat , rough treatment and somewhat comfort . Hiking and backpacking boots are designed to be comfortable for long hikes . Typically they are lighter , " he explained . " Yeah , let 's get to it , " he said as he shouldered up the small pack and locked up the door . They walked away from the house and he showed and pointed out the various buildings and what purpose they served . She knew a couple already , but the others were somewhat of a mystery to her . They came to the small mountain stream so prevalent in the Appalachian Mountains and followed it along the bed with a semi - worn trail . He explained the stream was more or less one of the boundaries of his property although it extended slightly on the other side as the stream had shifted its path over the years since the original deed had been written up . Crossing over at a shallow point , he showed her the original fence and markers for the property , large stones set into the ground delineating the property boundary . " Because back then , not a lot of folks could afford a nice fence . They used rocks to show the property boundaries since they were readily available . If you look , they form more or less a line , " he said as he pointed down . Several had gone missing over the years , moved to take advantage of the growing space in the edges of the old field , but the majority sat silently weathering away . " The property is kind of a trapezoidal shape more or less . The back ends come closer than the front side . So … maybe another half mile to the official property line , " he said . " Besides the legal troubles ? Some of the residents of this county would just as soon kill you and bury you out in the forest if you took a shot at them . They would want to avoid the long drawn out process of filing charges and settle things without having to involve the law , " said Charlie . " This part of Tennessee was the first to be settled with folks coming in from North Carolina . Actually this part of Tennessee was part of North Carolina to begin with . Anyway , the original Watauga Association was over near what is now Elizabethton , but had settlers that moved out and staked their own claim . This is kind of in between the Nolichucky and Watauga settlements and they think it might have been like an overnight place to stay when going between the two . But it didn 't pan out , " he said . " Kind of a new State that didn 't pan out . I 'll let you read about it , " he said and suddenly stopped . She had no idea why and peered in the direction he was , but didn 't see anything . Charlie pointed at a large oak tree and she saw the shape of a deer appear . It was quickly followed by another two does and two fawns . They were grazing quietly on the undergrowth near the tree and hadn 't been alerted to the presence of the humans yet . Cindy had never seen a deer in the complete wild before , but had seen them crossing the road from time to time in New York . They seemed to pay the humans no mind , but hadn 't noticed the two yet since they weren 't moving . One looked up and sniffed the air , noticing something was different . The group silently wandered off into the woods and was lost from sight . " Hmmm , how to explain ? Okay , you have a hundred people living on an island right ? They farm and have livestock for food and milk , but only enough for one hundred people . No excess , but enough to keep them healthy and growing . Okay so far ? " he asked . " Which is exactly what hunting does . There is only so much food for the deer population around here . Once you get an overpopulation of deer , they start to get malnourished and weaker . Then you get predators coming in , wolves , coyotes and such which also target farm animals . So hunting helps keep the balance of nature by limiting the population of the deer or whatever animal happens to be in season . It keeps the herds around here healthy believe it or not , " said Charlie . " Again , something of your liberal education . Hunting isn 't a bad thing . Sure there are some that just shoot an animal and leave it to rot . But folks I know believe in ethical hunting . I use what I kill and I mean everything . I don 't believe in killing for pleasure , but rather as helping the local populations thrive , " said Charlie . " I 've got the forms with me . We can fill them in by hand and I can type them out later , " she said and pulled a folder out of her bag . " And I brought lunch . " " Lunch sounds like a good deal . Let 's eat first and then get business out of the way , " he suggested . It was a simple affair , sandwiches from a local deli in Johnson City , but done the way he liked it . She had done her research ( and made a few phone calls to his office ) before making sure she had something he liked . They talked over little things during lunch before moving on to business . " That 's putting it mildly . I mean , besides the legalities , it 's just plain old sick . Who would want their daughter in that sort of situation ? " asked Sarah . " Okay , we can do an anonymous tip if you want and make it come from the Attorney General 's office . I can understand why you would be reluctant to put her out there for all to see . But let 's face it , if this goes to full blown investigation , she will have to be interviewed by other parties , " said Sarah . They continued filling out the form and finally finished it up . She promised to type it out as soon as she got back to the Trooper Barracks and have it sent to Nashville . After reviewing everything , she called it good and put it away in the folder . Then he moved on to other matters . " Well , okay . Yes , I know one that is affordable and can be bribed with dinner , " said Sarah . " Again , I 'm not sure if Charlie is into the dating scene or not . Probably would in this case though , but I 'll have to ask . If he says no , what then ? " asked Mitch . " Yes silly , I happen to be the child psychologist . I mean , not a certified clinical one , but my minor for my Masters Degree was in psychology and I keep up with it enough to get my counseling certification . The barracks uses that talent all the time . So for the price of dinner , I can be bribed to do a few favors , " said Sarah . " I knew there was something about you I liked . Being so smart and all , " said Mitch . " You don 't mind mixing business and pleasure ? " " I 'll see what I can come up with , " he said and walked her towards the door . The made it to the entrance of the courthouse and said their goodbyes . Not content with a simple handshake and not caring he was in uniform , she reached up and planted a light kiss on his lips . " You aren 't that old fashioned are you ? " he laughed , although surprised . It wasn 't the first time they had kissed , although the first time he was on duty when they did . " Bye , " he said and watched her walk away . He reentered the courthouse to a group watching him . They let out a big cheer and several catcalls were heard from the minor crowd . " About time Mitch , " said the senior deputy . " I know , " he said as the deputy followed him . " Fill me in on the Hawkins case . " The deputy started going over the case with Mitch and brought him up to speed with the current investigations . While he was talking , Mitch 's mind wandered over to thinking of Sarah and his nervousness around her . And the situation he was in . And the situation with Charlie . Just a lot of things that ran through his head as of late , far more than a typical small county sheriff should have to deal with . He decided to take care of one problem . " Jeff ? Mitch Brewer here … well , at least I called first … yeah , this afternoon … we 'll say it 's a social call … three o ' clock … see you then , " said Mitch as he ended the phone call to Jeff Tilson . " I 'm heading up to Jeff Tilson 's place at around three . " " Jeff 's a model citizen , you know that , " said Mitch as he looked at the clock and walked away . He had two hours before being able to go into the home of Jeff Tilson and would go out and see Charlie before making the long drive into the south end of the county . The drive helped organize his thoughts somewhat and he kept coming back to the same feelings he had since he first heard about the situation . Something just didn 't feel right about the whole thing to him . Getting out to Charlie 's farm , he saw several of the local teens out in the corn patch checking on the stalks . And he saw Cindy walking past with the Jones ' twins in close proximity . Apparently they had taken notice there was a new girl on the farm . Cindy waved at him and started walking towards the house . Mitch wandered over to the barn where Charlie was busy getting several logs ready to be cut up . Although he had natural gas for the house , he helped augment that with natural wood heat . And with the National Forest in his backyard , getting a steady supply of hardwoods wasn 't a big deal . He could have had the hired help work on the woodpile , but it was something he enjoyed doing himself . " Hey bud , don 't you have a bunch of strong teenagers for that ? " asked Mitch as he walked up . " I do , but you know I don 't mind something like this , " he said . " I know , " he said . " Take a break for a minute and come talk to me . " Charlie set down the chainsaw and made sure the axe was buried in a log . The splitter was a different matter and he buried it in a piece of oak gently . ' What 's on your mind ? " " Depends on the situation . That 's why I want some professional help in here . Even when Sarah does her thing and even if she does confirm the story , we will still need to have someone else come in and verify . Sarah is compromised because she is in a relationship with me , " said Mitch . " I know , I 'm just that kinda guy . No sense in getting all riled up over something out of our control . However , if what she says is true and the State messes this up , then you will see me get a little more concerned , " said Charlie . " No , and probably won 't be anything for a few days , " said Mitch . " But I do have a counselor for you to talk to . Be nice to her . " " Lord no . Called everywhere and even had two summer interns from Vanderbilt trying to chase it down . Nobody , and I mean nobody ever heard of such a thing . Called Yale , Harvard , Stanford and Columbia . None of them ever heard of such a thing . They 're still checking , but I don 't think we 're going to find an answer , " said Jimmy . " I understand , " said Cindy and took in a breath . " The problem here is my legal guardians , my parents . They want to force me to get married to a man thirty years older than I am . Plus my father is forcing me to perform in a religion I don 't want to . The community where I came from will protect the man I am supposed to be marrying , I saw it once before . He is practicing … what 's the word when you take on more than one wife ? " " That 's it . But either way , I don 't want to get married to him . First off , I 'm not of a legal age and I do not give consent . Secondly , I don 't want to be a Muslim . This violates my First Amendment Rights doesn 't it ? " she asked . " Well , hypothetically speaking yes . You aren 't of a legal age to be married without your parents ' permission . Now having said that , typically the bride to be has to be consenting as well . As for the First Amendment Rights , I 'll have to check up on that , but I don 't recall there being an age factor with that , " said Jimmy . " Anything else ? " " Jimmy , you and I go way back . And you and I both know she could be in serious trouble here . If the local police are covering for this guy up there , how far do you think the local child protective services is going to get ? And you and I both know she needs some sort of legal protection as well , " said Charlie . " No , not really . I love my parents and my family . I just want to do something to make him come to his senses . It 's a really bad idea , I know , but hopefully it would shock him to see what is really going on , " said Cindy . " I just want this whole thing to stop . If I go back , I 'm going to continue being abused . And they will marry me off to that sick pervert . And I will be raped . Nothing New York can do will stop that , " said Cindy , starting to lose control . " My mother and my sister also get abused . I can only imagine what happened when I left . My father and his choice of religions is the central part of the problem here and something needs to be done to make him see he is losing his family . " " Ma ' am , either way the whole divorcing of the parents idea is not really my cup of tea . I 'll tell you what though . For the moment , I 'll take you on as a probationary client . I 'm not saying it will work out in the long run , but at the same time , I understand you have rights no matter what age you are . And the cir * * * stances are unusual to say the least . I 'll do some checking , but I 've got to say this right now , I 'm probably going to recommend another lawyer for you . I 'll help out as much as I can , but this is way out of my league . I 've got a friend in Knoxville that is one of the best in the State . Let me give him a call and see what he recommends , " said Jimmy . " Foster parents have a certain amount of control . Long story short , she can be declared a ward of the State and then the State asserts in loco parentis on that child . But we would have to make it legal as in before a court to have you declared as a ward . What the sheriff did wasn 't exactly legal , but it wasn 't illegal either . There is a gray area there , but typically the judge would take the situation into consideration . I don 't believe Unicoi County has a juvenile program , so it 's fitting she be sent to a home in the mean time . " " Now , what we need to do is get a statement on record . An official sworn statement affirming what has happened . We take that to a judge and have him or her sign off on the exigency of the situation . Since your sheriff , which I will need to talk to in order for our ducks to be in a row , has seen fit to file the complaint , the motion should go forward pretty quickly . But again , the State cannot take custody of a child unless there are exigent cir * * * stances , " said Jimmy . " You have , just not officially . We will have to have you make a sworn statement testifying to the fact your parents are abusing you and the other items of concern . Mister Kellogg will go before the judge , possibly with you as well , and make the case you need to be pulled from your home , " said Charlie . " Now Jimmy , how does that work over State lines ? " " That 's the tricky part Charlie . I have no idea . Typically we would turn them over to the State in question and let them work that out , " said Jimmy . " I don 't know . I 'll have to talk to my friend in Knoxville about that . He may even recommend a lawyer from New York since that 's the State we happen to be dealing with , " said Jimmy . " You probably will for the investigation portion of the case . My guess is they will pull you from the home during the investigation and see what that turns up . I honestly don 't know , but that 's pretty par for the course around here . When we suspect physical or sexual abuse is going on , we automatically pull the child from the home , " said Jimmy . " I 'll also need to get a hold of the Sheriff and talk to him , make sure he 's doing things by the book . Typically families have to be certified by the State , but it 's typically a formality if the county signs off . He had your home declared a foster home ? " asked Jimmy . They went through the line and were seated before grabbing plates for the buffet line . He was surprised at the amount she was eating and he never thought a smaller girl like she was could stuff away the plate she had brought back from the salad bar . She especially loved the seafood salad and got more when she went for her main food items . When she returned , he was just finishing up his first plate . " It 's a vegetable . Like a flower sort of , but you eat the seed pods . I planted some in the garden , but it doesn 't do to well on the farm , " he said . " I don 't know . Just never has , " he said and got up to get something other than salad . When he returned , she had a serious question for him . " Pretty good I would say . People don 't care for abuse all that much and the fact you were supposed to be married to a man older than me is not good either . I think you 'll end up in the right on this one , " he said . " No , it 's a serious problem around these parts . Just saw it last week downtown . Young girl about 15 years old got eaten by a brontosaurus in front of the movie theater , " he said . " The way I 've been working ? No . Plus I 've starting to muscle up you know ? Swinging that axe is some work , " she said . " Watch me , " she said and went over to the dessert bar and grabbed a bowl of ice cream . He decided he could cheat a little and grab himself a piece of apple pie sitting out . After they finished up , he left a tip and they drove the short distance to the mall . " I 'm just here to look , " she said and headed towards the JC Penny . He was fairly certain she would find something she liked and he might buy it depending on the situation . She needed another outfit for the additional lawyer trips and probably something to see the judge in if she went to court . He decided to play that one by ear and wait it out . She was browsing the women 's clothing and after about twenty minutes he became impatient . " Why not ? " she asked . " I mean , if you don 't mind stopping at the Wal - Mart on the way home . I do have a little money . " " Would you ? Oh please , please , please ! Please buy me a chainsaw Uncle Charlie ! Please ! " she exclaimed as she bounced up and down in front of him , earning the attention of several people in the store . " No , just being biased . I like the Stihl brand myself . Others like Husqvarna . Those two are about the top of the line models you can get , " he replied as they got into the truck . " I would if I had to , but I 've always had good experiences with Stihl . I mean , if Stihl wasn 't available and all they had was Husky , I would buy Husky . But you tend to stick with brands you are comfortable with , " he explained . " Nah , I 'll keep you around for the moment , " said Charlie . The remainder of the drive to the historic site was spent in idle chit chat with him showing her various things around the area . After pulling in , she was able to peek through the trees and see the reconstructed fort put up on the site . " Yeah , I know , but it 's cool , " she said and anxiously jumped out of the truck . It was nice to see some enthusiasm for learning in a teenager and he let her pretty much guide him on his way through the area , although having been there several times herself . She would bring up this tidbit of information and that and recall seeing some of the things in the book . They culminated the visit with a trip out to the fort where she decided it wasn 't so grand living in the small cabins inside the settlement area , but also recognized the fact it wouldn 't be so grand to have Native Americans banging on the door with blood in their eyes and knives in hand without some form of protection . She genuinely seemed happy to have seen some of the historical things the area had to offer and had a grin on her face as she had seen some of the things she had only read about for a change . After departing , they went to the local Wal - Mart where she picked out three sets of running shorts along with a pair of shoes . She attempted to put down her money to help pay , but he refused , calling it his " charity " again . Happy to see her in a good state of mind , they departed and headed back to the farm where she fixed dinner and had another evening where he plopped down behind the computer and she started reading once again . Night came upon them both where she retired to the cabin and continued to read while he went straight to bed , still worrying about what her future was going to be like . " Thanks , " she said and went to the back to change . She was heading straight for Mitch 's house from here and didn 't want to have to change out of her State Patrol uniform after she got there . But since there was dinner afterwards , she did up her makeup and made sure her hair was in order . She didn 't plan of a huge deal for dinner and didn 't get all that dressed up , but the thoughts of spending the evening with Mitch gave her a spring in her step that was recognized by all in the barracks as she gathered her things . While she was finishing up , her cell phone rang . She ended the call herself and tossed her cell phone in her purse . She was unconsciously smiling about the phone call and how she felt around Mitch . Others in the station saw the look on her face and decided she had a big date that night . But the grin on her face was the ultimate tell to her mood . Cindy went to the cabin and got a shower to clean up while Charlie did the same thing in the house . Lunch was a simple affair of a sandwich and chips with Charlie seeing peanut butter and banana was quickly becoming her favorite type of sandwich as she made another one for lunch . He would have to pick up more bananas at the store later , but it was not a big deal as she was getting some healthy foods in her system instead of junk that teenagers typically ate . And for snacks , she preferred the fresh veggies they had taken from the garden as opposed to the other items he had around the house . The four sat on the porch and passed the next fifteen minutes in small talk and sipped at their drinks . Cindy noticed Mitch was completely engrossed with whatever Sarah happened to be talking about and vice versa with her . It was like watching some sappy romance novel unfolding on the front porch . Sarah would ask a few questions here and there of Cindy , trying to gauge her reactions along with what her general mood seemed to be . She got a feel for what the interview would be like and would more on as soon as the socializing finished up . Charlie sensed the pleasantries were finished up and moved on . " I 'm okay I guess . Relaxed for the first time in a while , " said Cindy with a fake grin . She was still a bit hesitant around strangers … all except Charlie . " Sweetie , I 'm going to tell you exactly why I 'm here . Mitch called me up the other day and asked me to come over . I 'm a certified counselor . I minored in it from ETSU and Charlie and Mitch wanted me to talk to you , " said Sarah . " No , just someone to talk to if you would like ; off the record if you want it to be . Poor Charlie and Mitch are in way over their heads and asked me to help . Sometimes it 's better for us girls to talk you know ? " she asked . " I don 't know . Old fashioned I suppose . It 's kind of the man 's place to start that sort of conversation , " said Sarah . Sarah looked at her and started laughing . She knew what Cindy was getting at and appreciated her own little piece of advice right then . " So you feel up to talking ? " " I hope nothing important . Talked to your Kellogg friend yesterday and he gave me an earful . Which reminds me , I 've got some paperwork for you to sign in the truck , " said Mitch . " Enough of them don 't , I suppose , " said Charlie as he flipped on the saw and started sliding the piece of walnut through the saw . Mitch was ready to catch the pieces on the other side as they came through and had put on a pair of safety glasses . The saw cut through the piece fairly effortlessly and split it into two pieces roughly the same size . " Well , he originally wanted a matching pair for Mack and Toby . I told him I probably wouldn 't have the time . Might , might not , but I 'll give it a go , " said Charlie . " Sure did , but for matching pairs , the same length won 't hurt . Besides , they have about the same build , " said Charlie , looking at the piece and getting ready for the second cut . Again the machine was flipped on and the ends were trimmed off both pieces . Charlie made two more cuts before looking at the ends and calling it good for the moment . There was still one more cut to be made and then the detailed craftsmanship would be started .
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Dan and I worked this morning - it really wasn 't that busy , but we did have customers in and out . I did a little bit of work for one of the rangers and got some inventory put away . It was enough to keep me busy and before I knew it the shift was over . Carol and Neil came in around 2 : 00 this afternoon . We did some running around and caught up with some of the things going on with family and friends . We were going to go to some of the stores , but many of them had already closed ( by then it was after 4 ) . So , we weren 't able to go to as many places as we had wanted - but then we came back to the Lodge and had dinner ( YUMMY ! ) . Then it was back here to sit around the campfire and talk for awhile . We will meet them back at the Lodge for breakfast in the morning ( our first time eating the breakfast buffet ) . Then they will hit the road to go back home - Carol has to be at work on Friday . It is really good to see them and I wish they could stay longer , but I also understand that you have to do what you have to do . I really don 't have much to report tonight - so I 'm not going to keep going . I hope you guys are having a great time this week - and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! Today we spent a lot of our day here in the park - Dan actually worked when we weren 't on duty - he decided that he needed to get some of the fire rings on our " loop " cleaned out . So , he worked on that for a little while today - still need to do some more work on them and we 'll do that probably the first of next week . We work tomorrow morning ( don 't know how busy we 'll be in the store ) . I don 't know if Dan will do anymore with the fire rings tomorrow while on duty or not , guess I 'll just have to wait and see . Tomorrow afternoon Neil and Carol should be here - they are only staying one night and one day - so we will have to make the time count . I 'm sure that we will pack all kinds of things in to this 36 hour period ( the least of which will be sleep ) ! I 'll be sure to let you know what is going on . We did go into town to mail the application to Texas and our tax return ( I didn 't want to wait until the last minute to mail it - even though we had to pay ) . Then we went down to Wal Mart to pick up a couple of things . We ended up getting some things in the RV department - including a water filter that fits on the hose outside . So far , I think I can tell the difference . Yes , I know that we have a Brita pitcher , but it is a pain in the you know where to keep having to fill it up and it cost a small fortune to buy new filters every two months . The replacement filters on the one that attaches outside lasts for six months - much more cost effective ( plus they cost less ) . We 'll see how it goes , but so far I like the new filter better . We also met another couple that are full timer 's - we talked to them for a little while in the store . They were going to go up to Franklin and spend a week and look for some property - they are looking to buying a place and " nesting " for a while - they have been full timers for 10 years . We gave them Ray 's name ( a friend of mine that is still in Real Estate in Franklin ) and they are going to get with him and see what they can find . I wish them good luck . I fixed chicken fajitas ( don 't know if that iPosted by Today was a cold and windy day . However , I really think that spring is on the way - there are some trees that are beginning to show their leaves - just budding out a little , but in a couple of days - a week at the most - there are going to be leaves busting out all over the place . I spent most of the day on line today - trying to get a job lined up for this coming winter ( November 2010 thru February 2011 ) . Dan talked about maybe changing our plans and not wintering in Texas - and maybe doing the northeast next summer , but he changed his mind again this morning . He decided that he wanted to go back to the west next summer - maybe Oregon , Washington state or even northern California . So , we will try and get something in Texas this summer . Then next winter ( 2011 ) we would stay on the east coast and go up into the northeast during the summer of 2012 . Now , I know that is planning WAY ahead , but it is good to have a goal . As soon as I know that we have something lined up for this coming winter I will start looking for a spring position and summer position for 2011 . It will probably be this summer - maybe while we are still in Alaska when I get all this lined up . But , you know me , I don 't like not knowing . Whatever happens , I 'll keep you informed . I did get the formal application ready to mail to Texas tomorrow along with the authorization for a criminal background check . A lot of states are doing background checks on the volunteers now , and I can 't blame them . We don 't have a problem with it and I wouldn 't think anyone would that doesn 't have something they want to hide . Anyway , I hope to know something soon - but it probably won 't be until June or so before we find out anything definite . I do have some leads for the summer of next year in Oregon . We will see how that plays out . I did not feel well all of last night and most of today - I took a couple of doses of allergy medication and I feel much better this evening - hopefully I will actually be able to sleep tonight . I was so achey last night and my head felt like it waPosted by Last night we had a little cookout here at the " house " for the hosts that were leaving today . It was the first time that we have had a group here at the house and I think it very well . We grilled hot dogs on the grill and Dan fixed some Chili on the camp fire . I also fixed some baked beans in the crock pot and fresh peach cobbler . We had all the fixing 's for the hot dogs and sour cream and cheese for those that wanted that on their chili . I made a pot of coffee for dessert and I think that it went well . This is a picture of the table after everyone finished eating . Here are some of the other hosts sitting with Dan - both of these couples are the newbies - they came in to replace Tom and Susan and Sharon and Bob ( who left last week ) . I 'm not sure what Susan was talking about , but she had every one 's attention ! It was a little chilly last night - as you can probably tell with everyone bundled up - but we put the sides up on the EZ Up and it protected the food and it was pretty warm if you happened to stay inside . One of the rangers came by and had some chili with us before he had to leave to present a program - the one on snakes ( Uck ! ) . Glad I didn 't have to be there . The other day we watched him feed the snakes some little mice ( gross ! ) . Just NOT my thing ! Today Dan and I worked ( actually this morning ) . It was POURING down rain all morning ! ! ! ! We did have a couple of customers - but not very many . I kept busy though by stuffing Easter eggs for the hunt this coming Saturday . I ran out of hard candy with only 23 eggs left to stuff - we had to have three batches with 168 small eggs and 10 large eggs . I got two batches done and then ran out before I could finish the last batch ( I did do the 10 large eggs - I just didn 't have enough to do the last 23 ) . Oh well , we have the week to get it done ! I 'm getting ready to go get in the bed - I 'm really not feeling that well tonight - I ache all over and I just don 't feel good . So , I 'm going to sign off and go get in the bed . Hope you guys had a good weekend and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Posted by I know , I know - I didn 't post last night - I really don 't have an excuse other than I was tired and I went to bed . I wanted to make sure I posted tonight though - so here it is . Yesterday we drove around some to see the country side . We really haven 't done any just riding around and Dan was about to have a fit - so we just decided yesterday would be a good day to do that ( on our way to Ingles to turn in our movies ) . Well , we found this old store - the Old Sautee Store that was established in 1872 and has been in continuous operation since then . It was really a neat store - the front part was set up just like it was back " in the day " , but the back part was a regular store . They had some really neat inventory - really pretty things - in fact , I bought a pair of crocs that are lined with a " fur " like material ( might be nice when we are out in Alaska ) and a couple of things for the " house " . When we left the Sautee Store we went across the street to another couple of stores - one had " western " wear - you know what I mean - the leather , fringe jackets and sterling silver with turquoise . Dan loved a couple of jackets , but none of them were big enough for him . Then we went by a pottery museum - we decided that we would not go in yesterday , we just didn 't have the time . We 'll go back at a later time . Then we saw a sign for a covered bridge - now , as most of you know , there are not many covered bridges left and even fewer in the south . So , we headed down the road looking for the bridge and three miles down the road we found . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . okay this is the river the bridge crosses ( and yes , they have a " modern " bridge that is used now ) but we also stopped and walked across . . . . . . . . . . the covered bridge . It was really neat - of course , there is all kind of graffiti on the inside . But it was really cool to be able walk across this old covered bridge . Okay - this is not the original bridge - the original bridge was washed away in the early 1900 's by a flood . This is a recreation of the original . After we lefPosted by Okay , tonight we watched 2012 and it was not exactly our cup of tea . We did watch it all , but it really was not what I thought it would be . I knew that it was a " disaster movie " but come on ! Between having to turn the sound up to hear the speaking parts and then WAY down so the ' special effects ' didn 't blast us out of the house it seemed to be a constant battle . Anyway , like I said , it just wasn 't our cup of tea . Now - The Blind Side was FABULOUS ! ! ! ! It was , by far , the best of all the movies we have watched in the last few days . I would definitely buy this one - even Dan said he would like to have it . One minute your laughing and the next your crying . It was a really good movie . So , I would recommend it to anyone ! I worked today - and it was really very slow AGAIN ! I think I had three sales the whole shift - and one of those was my own sale . I did have one cash sale - for a total of $ . 85 . Just wasn 't our day . After we came home - I fixed lunch - chicken salad - then made the egg salad so we will have things for lunch the rest of the week . I fixed a chicken and rice dish for dinner ( along with a salad ) . Now we have a few dishes in the refrigerator that we will need to eat in the next couple of days . I also took some country ribs out of the freezer for Dan to fix on the grill . We should be able to have those in the next couple of days . Well , I really don 't have much else to report so I won 't bore you with our boredom . Hope you guys are having a good week - We are suppose to have rain move in tomorrow and rain through Friday . I 'll let you know - in the meantime - you guys take care - stay warm and dry and - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! I guess I 'll just start naming the blog for whatever movie we are going to ( or have ) watch ( ed ) that day . So , as you can tell from the title , tonight will be The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock . I have been wanting to see that movies since we were down in Sebring , but I just never got the chance . I even thought that it could be a " girls night out " movie when my oldest daughter Crystal and Kim came down to Melissa 's for Christmas - then Dan had to go and ruin all our plans by getting sick and going in the hospital - silly man . Seriously , I was not able to see it while we were down in Sebring and the movie came out today - we were lucky enough to get it this morning when we took back the other movies . ( Also rented 2012 - will watch that tomorrow night ) We had to go into town first thing this morning - as we ran out of propane yesterday afternoon while I was trying to cook dinner . I had two burners on the stove going ( one for the spaghetti and one was browning the meat for the sauce when the fire went out . Dan went out to turn to the other tank and realized that both tanks were empty . ( Oh what am I going to do with that man ? ? ? ) Anyway , he took the pot with the spaghetti outside and put on the grill and I got the electric skillet out and did the meat and added the sauce - it all turned out good ( except the bread - I had one of those refrigerated loaves of bread that I tried to cook - but it was over six months old and it just didn 't turn out . I had bought it while we were still in Idaho and it had gotten put in the back of one of the drawers and I forgot it was there . Anyway , it ended up in the garbage . ) The rest of dinner turned out okay - we just had to improvise a little . The rest of today has been somewhat of a wash - it has been really cold here today - the wind has been bad out of the northwest - cold ! If you weren 't in the wind and the sun was shining it wasn 't too bad , but that wind was wicked ! I did a load of clothes and got them all put away . Then I straightened up the house . I also bought a couple of books foPosted by Today it snowed . No , it did not stick to the ground - I mean the temperatures were up to seventy on Saturday so the ground was too warm for the snow to stick - but it snowed off and on all day . Just a spit every once in a while and then it would come down really hard - in fact , this morning , it was snowing so hard it was almost like a blizzard - no seriously ! Anyway , it was " colder than kraut " today ( this is an expression of Dan 's and I have no idea what it means other than it was really cold today ) ! I 'm just ready for the temperatures to get a little warmer - I really don 't want it to get hot , but a little warmer than forty would be very nice . Tonight I am watching Julie / Julia and really laughing - this movie is really cute . I just love Meryl Streep and she is so very talented ! Not to mention Amy Adams - she is so cute ! ! ! Anyway , I think I really like this movie and would go and buy it to add to the collection ( our vast collection of about 20 DVD 's ) . I know that some of you will be surprised that I did not go up to the Lodge tonight to watch TV - the season premier of Dancing With the Stars was tonight , but I decided that I could watch it on the computer tomorrow - I can just be a day behind . I 'm not looking to vote for anyone any time soon - if it gets to that point then I start going down and watching it , but I really don 't see myself being all involved in this year 's cast - no one I like . Oh well - it ' 's okay . There are other things to occupy my time . We got a new work schedule today . You know that I asked that we have the afternoon of the 23rd , all day the 24th , and the morning of the 25th of April - well , on the new schedule our last work day will be on April 22nd and we are scheduled to leave on the 23rd . This was somewhat of a surprise to us , but it will work out okay . We are thinking that we will go ahead and move down to Fort Yargo State Park for the weekend and then leave from Atlanta on Monday , April 26th . We would then start on our way on our great adventure ! Well , we will see how it goes . Well , I 'm goiPosted by Boy on Boy - I 'm starting to think we need to start building the ark . I mean , come on ! It has done nothing but rain ( and I don 't mean sprinkle ) all day today - it was so bad this morning that Dan decided he didn 't think we needed to drive two hours into Franklin and then two hours back in it , so we did not go to church this morning . I was really looking forward to going , but I do think that you do have to think about safety on the roads when you have a lot of rain to contend with . So , instead we just sat around the house and watched movies and read . I did a little of my word searches and Dan worked as little on his Suduko . This afternoon , when it did decide to let up a little we headed into Cleveland to buy some groceries . We went to Wal Mart and to Ingles and picked up the few things we needed and then it was back home . We picked up a couple of more movies at Ingles - " Have you heard about the Morgans " and " Julie , Julia " . We watched " Have you heard " tonight and it was rather cute . Actually , it was much better than " Old Dogs " or " Up in the Air " . Dan and I were both rather disappointed in both of the ones we got the other day - we really thought that Old Dogs would be funny with John Travolta and Robin Williams in it , but it was pretty lame . Up in the Air was NOT a typical George Clooney movie - maybe that was why he was up for an Academy Award - but I was not a fan ( don 't get me wrong - I still love George Clooney , and still think he is drop dead gorgeous , but this was not my cup of tea ) . I 'll watch " Julie , Julia " probably by myself - this is not Dan 's type of movie . Well , you have pretty much heard about our day - not much happening except rain , rain , and more rain . Oh , and just FYI - the weathermen are calling for snow flurries here tomorrow - what happened to Spring - did I miss something ? ? ? ? ? OMG ! ! ! ! Well , I 'm going to let you go - I 'm going to bed and read some more - take care - and I hope you had a good weekend and will have an even better week ahead . ( Melissa - I hope you are feeling better - drink lots ofPosted by Sorry I didn 't post last night - all the hosts got together last night and had dinner at the Lodge to say good bye to one of the hosts that is leaving this week ( Tuesday , I think ) . Anyway , we all went to eat and the Lodge was swamped - and understaffed . The waitresses asked if we could lend a hand and bus tables for them - so all of us girls pitched in and started cleaning tables - we worked for about 2 hours just as fast as we could . It seemed like just as soon as we would get one table done there would be someone sitting at it and another two needed to be cleaned . Now we are talking about three dining rooms - there were four of us girls and we worked our little buns off ! The good thing about it was - we helped the girls at the restaurant when they needed us - and I really didn 't mind . Plus , I slept good last night ! ! ! However , by the time we got home all I wanted to do was climb in the bed and relax - I only read for about 15 minutes before it was lights out and sleepy time for me . The store was not that very busy yesterday morning , but I did have one really good sale - over $ 100 . 00 - so that made my deposit look good . The host that came on duty after me had a repairman coming to his unit here in the campground , so when the guy got here I went back over to the store and covered for him while he came over with the guy working on his refrigerator . I only made a couple of sales while he was gone and they weren 't that big - but at least we are helping each other out . While I didn 't have people in the store I went into the store room and cleaned and straightened and label crates so we would know what is in them . It was something that really needed to be done and it looks soooooooooo much better now - I don 't know if anyone else will notice , but I think it looks better . I had promised a couple of days ago to post pictures of the site where we are and I hadn 't done it yet - today was an absolutely beautiful day and so I thought I would get those pictures for you . If you look closely in this one you will see that lamp thPosted by This morning Dan went with Tom ( one of the other hosts ) and worked on a project here in the park , while I was busy cleaning up the house again . I guess when you live in such a small space you mess it up faster than you do a larger house . It doesn 't take long for the house to get messy if you don 't put things away when you are through with them - and to tell you the truth , Dan has a tendency to not put things away . But that 's okay , it gives me something to do . After I got things straightened up I put some eggs on to boil so I could fix egg salad . Then I made a couple of phone calls that I needed to make - like to Quest Diagnostic to get them to update the insurance information . After Dan got home , he warmed up some of his roast from the other night and I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ( the egg salad wasn 't finished yet ) . Then it was off to the store . Our first stop was the local store - Betty 's - just to check it out . We had never been in the store and we had been told it was a good store . Well , ' she ' had a little of everything and had a BEAUTIFUL meat department . We ended up buying a couple of rib eye steaks that Dan is going to fix on the grill tonight - I 'll fix the baked potato and the salad - Yummy ! ! ! The next stop was Ingles - Dan had been told that they had a great video department so we thought we would check them out . In fact , they had a fabulous video department . Then I just had to find out what their procedure was to check out video 's . Actually , it is very easy - you just need to have in Ingles card and show your driver 's licenses . We now have two movies - Up In The Air and Old Dogs . Dan has been wanting to see Old Dogs for a long time - and we both want to see Up In the Air with George Clooney . I have a list of movies that I want to see - from Julie , Julia to The Blind Side . They had about 5 or 6 on the shelves we want to see , but only want to check out two at a time - one for each night . The Ingles store is a 24 hour store ( which I didn 't know they even had ) and it is on " our " side of ClePosted by Today was a pretty good day at work - we actually had some people in ( okay just a couple , but at least that is better than Monday ) and I actually had a deposit ! The next time we work will be on Friday morning and I 'm not sure if we will be busier ( weekends are usually busy - and this weekend it is actually suppose to be warm - 69 degrees - and sunny - that will be amazing since all it has done is rain , rain , rain ! ) . Also the park is hosting a special event this Saturday - an astronomy thing - and we should get some people in for that . However , since we are working Friday morning I don 't think we will get the business from this . The people that come in for the weekend usually show up Friday afternoon / evening - so , I don 't know how busy we will be on Friday morning . We do have a few more people in the park today - I think about six different units came in during the day . I guess things are looking up . ( Oh , in case you are wondering , I didn 't have any problems closing up tonight - maybe I 'm getting the hang of this thing ! ) I guess you could tell from the paragraph above that it rained here again today - I tell you what - this has been the wettest winter / spring I can remember . It rained almost the entire time we were in Dowling Park ( January and February ) plus it was COLD ! It has rained here at least four days out of every week . Today was not a down pour - just a cold drizzle - but it sure did put a kink in doing anything outside . Tomorrow , Friday , and Saturday are suppose to be nice and then rain moves in again Sunday . Such is the cycle right now - I 'll just be glad when things clear up some . Dan and I planted some daffodils out by the camp host sign yesterday - and we have a pot of daffodils . I just love that flower - it sure looks like a bit of spring in the air when you see their pretty yellow blooms . I can 't help but smile . I 'll try and take some pictures tomorrow and post so you can see the campsite - I don 't think I have done that since we have been here . If the weather is half way decent I 'll get a couple of piPosted by Today was cleaning day - not only did I clean the ' house ' but I did all the laundry also . In fact I am finishing up Dan 's jeans in the dryer now . It was just one of those kind of days - not a whole lot of substance , but sure was a lot of work . Dan went with the other guys today and painted some stuff for the park . While he was gone , not only did I clean the house , I cleaned up the fire ring area . Dan had cut up a tree ( well the rangers had actually cut down the tree , Dan just cut it up into firewood ) . It sure did give him quite a bit of firewood but it also made a huge mess on the gravel by the house . So , today I went out and cleaned up the mess so the outside looks half way decent also . Dan was even impressed , at least he said it looked good . We had our host meeting this morning and it went pretty well . I guess I 'm going to be the Easter bunny on the Saturday before Easter ( 4 / 3 ) - I 'm not really sure how I was " volunteered " to do that , and I don 't know how it will work out with our schedule since we are suppose to work Saturday morning , but I am sure it will all work itself out . Dan 's medicine came yesterday - but mine had not come . Now , they had my prescription and when I called they said that the medicine had been mailed on 3 / 5 and I still hadn 't received it . So , they said they would send me another shipment . They did not have Dan 's prescriptions and had to get in touch with his doctor to get new prescriptions yet he got his . Anyway , guess what - my medicine came today - so now I will have a 180 day supply instead of a 90 day supply . I guess that 's okay - I just won 't need to order it while we are in Alaska . We will just have to deal with getting Dan 's . Dan decided to cook his roast over the fire this afternoon when he got home . So he cut the potatoes , onions , and carrots - put the roast in the cast iron dutch oven with the vegetables and beef broth - a little Everglades seasoning and cooked it over the campfire for a couple of hours ( well , actually about 3 or 4 - we didn 't eat until 7 : 30 ) but it was really goodPosted by Today was our day to run the store by ourselves - shift was from 11 to 3 and we had exactly zero customers - that 's right I said zero , nada , zip , no one ! That was the longest four hour shift ever ! I cleaned , I swept , I refolded merchandise , and I read . I went outside and watched the deer , I made a couple of phone calls . Anything to pass the time . Anyway , the shift finally ended and we were able to come home . Tomorrow morning we have a host meeting ( I guess they have these monthly - but this will be our first one . ) So , at 9 : 30 in the morning we will experience our first monthly host meeting . I did give Ellen a note today asking to be off the afternoon of the 23rd , all day the 24th and the morning of the 25th of April , so we can go down to Atlanta for Mom 's 80th birthday . We 'll see how that goes . Dan is also thinking about trying to leave before the 29th . He says that whenever our last day at work is we will leave the next day - That would be after we get back after Mom 's birthday . He has even said that IF we are scheduled to work on those last days that we will see if we can trade days with some of the other hosts and be off those days ( meaning the 26th , 27th or 28th ) . We 'll just have to wait and see what the schedule is and see what happens . After the meeting tomorrow , Dan is going to work with Tom ( one of the other hosts ) and paint some of the trash cans and I 'm going to clean house and do laundry . The laundry should take all day - I haven 't done it in awhile and the laundry basket is full . We 'll see how long it takes me . Of course we work again on Wednesday afternoon and then again on Saturday morning . Should keep us busy this week . I really don 't have much else to report - we are watching a movie tonight - the TV is still not coming in well - I think it 's because of the wind . Anyway , the movie is good and I 'm going to sign off for now . You guys have a good week and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! ! Today , just for the fun of it , we decided to drive up to Franklin and just look around at our old " stomping grounds " . Plus we wanted to see how long the trip was - we might be able to go up for church on Sunday mornings . Well , we found out it is only about an hour and a half away - so church would definitely be do able . To tell you the truth - it was really nice to be back in the neighborhood . We rode around town ( not too much has changed ) there are some new places to eat ( fast food ) and a new performing arts center that really looked nice . We rode out to our old neighborhood and went in and looked around . We went up to the cabin to see if Bob and Debbie happened to be home - they weren 't , but we left them a note - so maybe they will get in touch with us . We also rode up to the road that our " big " house is on and went to Marge and Jim 's house - I sold them the house when I was in Real Estate back a couple of years ago . They are actually Dan 's daughter 's in - laws . Anyway , they have moved up to Franklin full time now and so we dropped by to see them for a few minutes . We didn 't stay long and then we came back home . We were gone about five hours total - three hours round trip and then two hours there in town . Not too bad - it was a good way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon . After we got home I just spent some time on the computer doing what I normally do - some " farming " . I also looked up some stuff for Dan - I ordered him four books on line so maybe that will hold him for a little while . We are finding it difficult to find the books that I got him hooked on - if I had known that it was going to be so difficult finding these books I never would have bought the first one . LOL ! ! ! At least he is reading - just wish he would read books that are easier to find ! We didn 't do anything else today - tomorrow we work - 11 to 3 . At least we don 't have to go in until late in the day and we are the only shift working . Right now there are not that many people in the park - I have only seen a couple of RV 's so I don 't know how busy wPosted by I opened the store this morning . It started out to be a really good day - I was actually able to get the safe open by myself . ( The last time I opened I had to have Dan open the safe - I couldn 't get it open ! ) Plus , we were busy - there were actually people waiting on the porch for me to unlock the door . Anyway , whenever it would rain ( which happened quite frequently ) the store would fill with people . There was a boy scout troupe here this weekend and parents and scouts were in the store buying all kinds of things - from coats and rain poncho 's to camping supplies to food items . The credit card machine was working ( YEAH ! ) and things went well . When Judy came over to take over - my cash drawer balanced and the credit card slips balanced ( double YEAH ! ) . There is one thing about being busy - the time goes by much quicker . We don 't have to work again until Monday - and then we have the store the entire time - we have shorter hours on Monday - 11 to 3 - so I both open and close the store . That should be interesting ! As mentioned above , it is still raining here - now today was not a total wash out - we did have times that it wasn 't raining , but it never dried out . Plus , the temperatures are going back down - not into the twenties but to the upper 30 's tonight . Here is a real kicker - the weathermen said that we MIGHT have SNOW FLURRIES tomorrow ! Come on - I thought we were finally going to get warm - everyone is talking about spring . There are actually some daffodils starting to poke their little heads up - they are blooming in the valley . Now , we might get flurries - oh well , it will warm up yet - just wait and see . After work , we came home and ate left overs for lunch - then I cleaned up the kitchen from lunch and breakfast . After that I took a pill and sat down with my heat thingy over my eyes and I took an hour and a half nap in my chair with the dogs in my lap . When I woke up I started dinner . We had chicken , noodles , with mushroom soup and cheese casserole and a tossed salad . I cleaned up the kitchen again ( I seem tPosted by Rain , Rain , Rain - all night , all day , and suppose to continue tonight , tomorrow , and Sunday . It sure does make good sleeping weather , but I do have things I have to do sometimes . Today I did a load of laundry - then we went to the grocery store . We didn 't go to the local store - Dan was working on some stuff outside ( in the rain ) and when he finally came in he had to dry off before we could go anywhere . When we finally left to go to town - he wanted to go to Cleveland to the Carhart store ( don 't ask me why - he didn 't buy anything and he certainly didn 't need anything ! ) and then to the hardware store . Now , this was one of those stores that has just about everything in it including the kitchen sink . They actually had the clamp Dan has been looking for , so I think he will be able to finally finish his outdoor lamp ( this thing has cost a small fortune ! ) tomorrow after work . Then we walked into the local drug store - it has a lunch counter and all kinds of neat things . Finally we headed to the grocery store . Because of the weather I decided that I would make homemade soup tonight for dinner and there were a few things I needed to pick up to do that - so , our milk , eggs , butter , and bread turned into a full fledged grocery store run . That 's okay - I won 't have to worry about buying groceries for a couple of weeks now . Then on the way home a local bakery opened today for the first time this season and , of course , we had to stop . We bought some raisin cinnamon bread , some banana bread , and a chicken pasta dinner ( that I will fix for dinner tomorrow night ) . Everything looked great and smelled even better ! When we got home , I put the groceries away and then started the soup . I also made some homemade bread to go with the soup . Not only did the soup and bread taste pretty good , it sure did make the house smell good ! Of course , we have left over soup for lunch tomorrow ( and probably for lunch a couple of other days ) but the bread is all gone - Dan sure does like homemade bread ! Not much else happened today - we go to work tomoPosted by Today was my first day at work where I closed by myself - and I think I did it right - I mean there really wasn 't that much I could have messed up . The lady that had the morning shift did not have any business ( zero , nada ) and I had two sales - both cash - one for a jacket and the other for two bars of ice cream ( that one was Dan and I ) . So , there wasn 't that much I could have messed up - other than the paperwork that we have to turn in and I 'm pretty sure I did it correctly - guess I 'll find out the next day that I work . Actually today wasn 't that bad - a little boring ( I did read some ) but I also straighten the shelves and refolded some of the merchandise . Just a typical day I guess . I 'm sure that it will be busier when the weather clears - it has been raining here for two days and is suppose to rain through Saturday . Not many people want to be out in the rain . After work - most of the hosts met at the Lodge for dinner - Dan and I had soup and salad bar again - I still say you can 't beat the deal ( $ 7 . 81 for both of us - which included dessert - I didn 't have any due to the ice cream bar today - and drinks ) . After we ate we sat around and talked and laughed for about an hour . It was a nice relaxing evening . Only one of the couples didn 't come - Don and Judy - Judy had a terrible headache ( I can understand that ! ) - but maybe they will be able to go the next time . Tonight Dan can 't pick up anything on the television - probably due to the cloud cover and rain - so we are just chilling . I told him he could put a movie on - but he just wants to read his new book - the only problem with that is , he is going to read the thing in two days and then won 't have anything to read again . Oh well - I 'm reading a couple of books at the same time - one on my Nook ( here at home ) and the other is a paperback down in the store . They are both pretty good . Tomorrow I think we are going to go into Helen and do some grocery shopping at the little local store - we only need things like milk , bread , and butter - maybe another dozen eggs . We Posted by Well , there is no place like home even if you are sleeping in your own bed at your Mother 's house in Atlanta . ( Let me explain that little line - when we sold our house in Dowling Park there were a few pieces of furniture we kept - some of which we took to my mother 's house in Loganville . Those pieces included our bed - so when we go to her house we sleep in our own king size bed - YAHOO ! ) Let 's get to the details - yesterday we decided that we would go on down to Mom 's and see her and take Crystal out to dinner for her birthday . We left here around 10 in the morning and I called both Crystal and Mom on the way down to let them know that we were on our way . This time we didn 't forget anything that we needed ( I even remember to take the coffee beans that I wanted to try and get ground with me ! ) We got to mom 's around lunch time . She didn 't want to go with us to get some lunch - she said she had had a late breakfast so Dan and I went into Loganville to do some running around and eat . First , we stopped at the post office to mail a package for mom and then it was off to Home Depot to return the lampshade that Dan had bought for his outside light . Then we went to Chick Filet for lunch ( I love their chicken sandwiches ! ) . After lunch we went over to Wal Mart where they had a nail salon ( same chain as the one in Lake City ) so I was able to get my nails done while Dan " shopped " . This salon was very busy and it was 20 minutes before they even started on my nails - but they did a good job I think . Dan couldn 't find anything to buy ( wonder of wonders ) so we headed back to moms and were back by about 4 or 4 : 30 . We sat around and talked for a little while , before she headed in to take a shower and get ready for dinner . We left her house about 6 : 30 - I called the girls and they were just leaving their loft . We couldn 't have planned the timing anymore if we had tried . We had just pulled into the parking lot at Applebee 's when the girls pulled in and parked in front of us . We had a pleasant time and I gave Crystal her card , present , Posted by This is going to be short and sweet ( and I 'll fill in the details tomorrow ) . We came down to Atlanta today and are staying at my Mom 's in Loganville for the night . We meet the girls ( Crystal and Kim ) at Applebee 's for dinner since we missed Crystal 's birthday on Sunday due to the " Fire Alert " . It was a nice time . Back at my mom 's and ready to go to bed . Have a good night and I 'll catch you up on the details tomorrow ! Have a good day and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! ! ! Today was just another day of the same ole thing . Seems like all I do anymore is laundry - of course , when you have a small machine you do have to do it more often , and believe me , I am NOT complaining about having a small machine . I do have a machine and I can do it here in the unit and not have to go to a laundromat or down somewhere else for a couple of hours . Today , while I did the laundry , I was also able to make lunch of egg salad sandwiches , do some stuff on the Internet , and watch TV . So , that was not such a bad day after all . Tonight , I fixed dinner - Cashew Chicken . Then it was back on the computer to do some of my everyday " farming " . In other words - today was not a very exciting day . The weather was nice and Dan was able to do some work outside - putting the rope lighting around the cover over the picnic table . It does make the outside look more " homey " , if you know what I mean . That was about the extent of our day . Oh , I guess I should say something about my predictions on the Oscars - I got all six of my predictions correct ( I even added the animated picture , so actually I was 7 of 7 - but I didn 't put the animated picture on the blog , so I won 't count that ) . I don 't think I did too bad this year . I still wish Meryl had won best actress . Actually , Crystal and I sorta disagreed about that - you see , I think that best " actress " should be based on the job the actress does . In each part that Meryl completes she becomes a completely different person - some actresses are the same person just trying to " play " a part . Anyway , that just what I think . I guess Hollywood doesn 't agree - it 's who campaigns the best - not the job they do in the movie . Oh well , the dress was pretty ! Okay , that 's all I 'm going to bore you tonight . I hope that your first day of the week was a good one and that the rest of the week will be good also . You guys take care and - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! Today was an exciting day ! It started out like any other day - Dan and I went to work and that went well - other than the fact that the credit card machine didn 't work . ( I thought I was doing something wrong , so I called the gift shop over at the Lodge and talked to the girl there - I wasn 't doing anything wrong - it was the machine ! ) Anyway , we completed our shift and the money in the register balanced ( YEAH ! ) Then we came home and packed . We had these great ambitious plans of going into Atlanta this afternoon and see Crystal ( my oldest daughter for her birthday ) and then go out to my mom 's and spend the next couple of nights so we could plan her birthday party in April . So , we started out on this adventure - we don 't get out of the park when we realized that we forgot all our cash at the house . So , we turned around and came back to get some money . We start out again . This time we make it all the way through Helen when Dan asked me if I got the medicine - No , I said . Well , he said we weren 't going home after it . Okay , we have some spare in the truck - it will get us through the next couple of days . We 'll be home on Tuesday - no problem . We get all the way to Gainesville when my phone rings - it 's one of the camp hosts wanting to know if we had already left the park . Now , mind you , this is the girl who relieved me at the store today - so my first thought is , " Oh S * * * ! I screwed up something ! " . I told her yes , we had already left - then she tells me " we " ( meaning the campground ) is on " High Fire Alert " - that there is a fire about one and a half miles away from the campground and heading our way . I tell her we are coming back . I hang up the phone - tell Dan what is going on and we turn around and come back to the campground . On the way back , I call my daughter and tell her we will not be able to get down there to see her for her birthday ( first time I think I have ever missed one unless it was when she was in college ) . Anyway , I was bummed . By the time we get back to the campground we are still on " Fire Alert " , but Posted by I thought I was retired - I sure don 't feel like it today . First thing this morning I cleaned the house really good - you know the whole nine yards - vacuum , mop , dust , bathroom , shower , kitchen , even cleaned the mirrors and windows ! I didn 't need to do laundry - had done that on Thursday . Then it was on to balancing the checkbook , paying bills , and getting the " little black book " caught up to date . ( Boy , we didn 't do well this month with expenses - a lot of one time things and a lot of expenses getting ready for the Alaska trip - service on the truck , Vet bill , ferry ticket , work on the unit . Then there were the one time expenses - the generator was the " biggie " there . And of course , we can 't forget changing insurance companies and paying for a year of insurance on the unit and the truck . ) Well , to say that we didn 't stick to the budget would be a HUGE understatement ! Oh well , we will get back to it this month . ( Seems like we have a good month - then a bad month - can 't seem to get it together consistently . ) Then I did get things caught up on my games that I play on Facebook - the farms are all harvested and replanted . Animals are milked , eggs are collected , and all is well in the land of games ( although I do still need a couple of friends so I can expand the farm on Farmville - but that is a whole different issue ! ) Tonight I have been doing research on state parks in Texas that we might want to spend the winter - I filled out the application and I will get it in the mail to the volunteer coordinator on Monday or Tuesday . We 'll see how that goes and I 'll keep you posted on anything we hear . I sure hope that I can get something lined up for the winter by the time we leave here at the end of April or at least by the first of May . ( I know - I 've applied for one thing in Texas and they said they would get with us the first part of June , but I 'm not very patient - I like to have things set up well in advance . ) Like I said , we 'll just have to wait and see . We fixed boneless pork chops on the grill tonight with baked potaPosted by My antenna arrived today and it WORKS ! ! ! ! I am soooo happy ! ( Dan says it doesn 't take much to make me happy - and maybe it doesn 't , but that 's okay too ! ) While I was work today ( I 'll tell you about that in a minute ) Tom , one of the other volunteers , brought the box to Dan and then Dan brought it to me . I could hardly wait to get home and see if it would work . In one way I was really nervous , not knowing if it would work or not , but once I put the antenna on the window and plugged it into my air card - turned the computer on and boom - three bars ! ! ! ! I wasn 't getting any before - so , yes , I am a very happy camper ( literally ! ) I am so happy to be at home and being able to post , blog , and farm . Yeah ! Okay , enough about that - how did work go . It was a very interesting day . First , I got at the store just in time for a shipment to arrive . I let the morning person check in the order - I didn 't want to do that first thing on my first day . Anyway , I knew how to change shifts over with the money ( that 's a good thing ) and then a little while later Shirley came down ( I was really glad to see her - I didn 't want to try and close all on my own ! ) The day went by really quickly because we spent the time putting out the order that had come in . Shirley showed me how to find the merchandise code - price everything and put it out on the shelves . Then , when it was time to close , she let me do it on my own . Which I remembered most of it all - only had to ask a question once or twice . Anyway , the next day we work , I will be opening - which is much easier than closing . Much less paperwork to do . I think things will go well at the store . However , after work , Dan and I were both BEAT ! I 'm really surprised on how tired we both were - but we haven 't worked in over two months and it makes a difference . Anyway , Dan decided he wanted to go up to the Lodge to eat ( half price ! ) . So we went up and had soup and salad - with dessert and drink was only $ 7 . 42 for both of us . Not too bad ! Tomorrow we don 't have to work so I 'm not sure what we will do durPosted by Today was the first time we had to order our medicine since we have changed insurance companies - or I should say the School Board changed the prescription provider . We used to have Walgreens mail order and that was a piece of cake . However , for some reason , we were changed to a company called Medco ( I had never heard of them before ) . We were told that the transition would be seamless - that Walgreens would transfer all our prescriptions over and there would be no problems - yeah , right ! As I said , I called today and , you guessed it , there were problems . Believe it or not , the new company had my prescriptions ( all three of them - from my hormone , to my Boniva , and even my migraine medicine ) but NONE of Dan 's medicines - which are much more important than mine . Anyway , to make a long story short Medco requested that Walgreens send the transfer over and hopefully we will have his medicine the end of next week to the middle of the following week - I should have mine the first part of next week . Now , if this just works out it will be amazing ! After we got all this taken care of we went over to the store ( where I will be working ) and were trained in " Nature Bingo " . This is one of the programs that the rangers do and they wanted some of us trained in case they run into a problem and need some help with school groups etc . It really didn 't take that much time to get trained and I didn 't mind at all . Then it was off to Cleveland for our run to Wal Mart and pick up a few groceries - I know some of you might wonder why we always go to Wal Mart to buy groceries instead of a local grocery store . Well , at Wal Mart we can find just about what ever we are used to getting anywhere in the country . There are a few things that we have a problem finding once we get west of the Mississippi , but for the most part the stock is the same . So we picked up a few things and then came back home where I finished up the laundry that I had started before we left and fixed dinner . Oh , BTW , one of the things that we bought was a Brita Water filtratPosted by Believe it or not - we had orientation today ! Actually the weather was not bad and the temperatures would have been nice except for the wind - that wind was wicked ! ! ! We went over all the paperwork that we needed to and then we did a halfway tour of the park - some roads were still closed due to the snow and then our ranger that took us had to be in a meeting at 1 - so we didn 't see everything , but enough that we will be able to function . We were back home by 1 and then we decided that we would come up to the Lodge to eat lunch ( we hadn 't done that yet ) . Oh , did I tell you that , on the days that we work - and today was a work day - we eat at the Lodge for 1 / 2 price ? ? Well , we came up and ate and it was less than $ 9 . 00 . We have decided that it might be a good idea to eat our big meal in the middle of the day and eat light at dinner . At least , we think we will give it a try and see how that goes . After lunch - we went home and spent a little time with the pups . Then we left for Gainesville to see if we could find a booster for my air card . We found the Verizon store and they recommended an antenna that will stick on the window right beside my desk ( on the outside of the unit ) . Of course , they didn 't have any in stock and had to order it - but it should be here in 2 business days ( which hopefully will mean Friday ! ) I am really hoping that this will solve the problem we are having . It is somewhat tiresome coming up here every night to post , plus I really can 't do my " farm " justice . All I do is harvest and send gifts to my neighbors - I can 't take the time to do all the things I should be doing - like visiting their farms and fertilizing for them ( okay - those of you that don 't farm don 't know what you are missing ! ) Anyway , I have already been up here two hours and I have done just the bare minimum that I need to do - and I never go to my other games . Oh well , hopefully this will fix the problem and I can get back to doing what I need to do . Seriously , I do need to get on line to do our banking , pay our bills , and do rePosted by Early morning snow ! Around 8 this morning - across from our unit . Around 10 : 30 down by the store . Around noon - up from the unit . Well , I tried to do something today - but it didn 't work . I had written the blog at home in Word and I was going to come in and cut and paste it to the blog - but it didn 't work . I guess that it is in a different format - anyway , it wouldn 't paste to the blog - it would paste back to documents but not the blog . Oh well , good try . The major story for today was the snow ! As you can see from the pictures above we had quite a bit of snow today - it started around 4 this morning and didn 't stop until around 5 this evening . Dan says that we probably got about 4 inches total - it was beautiful ! Big , huge , wet flakes most of the day - with pretty heavy snowfall at times . However , most of the time it was a nice steady snowfall . Dan and I walked around the circle and I took pictures with the cellphone camera , but I haven 't downloaded them to the computer yet - I did take pictures with the Canon and the Panasonic - some of which I posted at the beginning of the blog . We also walked over to the store as I was suppose to have more training today - however , when we walked over to the store no one was there . I do have a key now , so I went in and called the Lodge and asked . I was able to talk to the General Manager of the park and he told me to enjoy the day - no training today and probably no orientation tomorrow . ( DARN ! ) Oh well , such is life and we will just have to take it as it comes . I can tell you , it was a beautiful day and we both so enjoyed the snow . We are the only people down in the campground in our section . Our neighbor host had to take his motor home in to have some work done it on so he pulled out early this morning before the roads got bad . So now we are the only people there - there is only one camper in the entire park and he is over in the area that has full hookups for the campers . Oh well , it does make for a nice quiet day . As I said , I probably will not have orientation tomorrow Posted by Well , I 'm back at the Lodge tonight posting again , so you can tell we did not have much success in finding a booster for the air card . We went into Cleveland and looked at the Ace Hardware store ( which we were told had booster 's ) , at the Radio Shack , at the Verizon Wireless store , and the Auto Zone ( where the person at Verizon sent us - go figure ! ) . Anyway , no one had the booster - so , my next trick is going to look on line at the Verizon web site . Maybe , just maybe , they will have something . I don 't know . I wanted to come to the Lodge tonight anyway to watch the final episode of The Bachelor ( okay , I know that it 's just stupid , but I happen to like it - so sue me ! ) . I 'm pretty sure that I know he is NOT going to pick the one I like , but I just have to see for myself . Then I think it 's next Monday , Jason and Molly ( last year 's Bachelor - you know , the one that jilted Melissa and went back with the girl he had sent home of the final two - I 'm sure you all know the story ) are getting married . He is the first of the Bachelors to marry someone . I don 't think I will come up for that one - but it is something . Speaking of TV - when I got home yesterday afternoon after blogging up here at the Lodge - Dan had a little surprise for me - TV . We only get one network channel ( NBC ) and then we get a weather station and a sports station - which , by the way , are all NBC channels . I wish it were ABC instead of NBC , but we do have a TV station so , Dan is happy . Actually the picture is excellent - can 't believe how good it is and it is coming off our little TV antenna that is on top of the unit . Go figure ! Today we started training - or I should say - I began training in the store . Dan did rounds with Don again . The lady that is training me was about 45 minutes late getting down to the store - I was really ready to just go home - in fact , Dan went up here to the Lodge to see if there was a problem . Anyway , they were having a meeting about the upcoming snow coming in . Yes , they are still calling for snow up here - in fact , we are undPosted by
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Dan and I worked this morning - it really wasn 't that busy , but we did have customers in and out . I did a little bit of work for one of the rangers and got some inventory put away . It was enough to keep me busy and before I knew it the shift was over . Carol and Neil came in around 2 : 00 this afternoon . We did some running around and caught up with some of the things going on with family and friends . We were going to go to some of the stores , but many of them had already closed ( by then it was after 4 ) . So , we weren 't able to go to as many places as we had wanted - but then we came back to the Lodge and had dinner ( YUMMY ! ) . Then it was back here to sit around the campfire and talk for awhile . We will meet them back at the Lodge for breakfast in the morning ( our first time eating the breakfast buffet ) . Then they will hit the road to go back home - Carol has to be at work on Friday . It is really good to see them and I wish they could stay longer , but I also understand that you have to do what you have to do . I really don 't have much to report tonight - so I 'm not going to keep going . I hope you guys are having a great time this week - and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! Today we spent a lot of our day here in the park - Dan actually worked when we weren 't on duty - he decided that he needed to get some of the fire rings on our " loop " cleaned out . So , he worked on that for a little while today - still need to do some more work on them and we 'll do that probably the first of next week . We work tomorrow morning ( don 't know how busy we 'll be in the store ) . I don 't know if Dan will do anymore with the fire rings tomorrow while on duty or not , guess I 'll just have to wait and see . Tomorrow afternoon Neil and Carol should be here - they are only staying one night and one day - so we will have to make the time count . I 'm sure that we will pack all kinds of things in to this 36 hour period ( the least of which will be sleep ) ! I 'll be sure to let you know what is going on . We did go into town to mail the application to Texas and our tax return ( I didn 't want to wait until the last minute to mail it - even though we had to pay ) . Then we went down to Wal Mart to pick up a couple of things . We ended up getting some things in the RV department - including a water filter that fits on the hose outside . So far , I think I can tell the difference . Yes , I know that we have a Brita pitcher , but it is a pain in the you know where to keep having to fill it up and it cost a small fortune to buy new filters every two months . The replacement filters on the one that attaches outside lasts for six months - much more cost effective ( plus they cost less ) . We 'll see how it goes , but so far I like the new filter better . We also met another couple that are full timer 's - we talked to them for a little while in the store . They were going to go up to Franklin and spend a week and look for some property - they are looking to buying a place and " nesting " for a while - they have been full timers for 10 years . We gave them Ray 's name ( a friend of mine that is still in Real Estate in Franklin ) and they are going to get with him and see what they can find . I wish them good luck . I fixed chicken fajitas ( don 't know if that iPosted by Today was a cold and windy day . However , I really think that spring is on the way - there are some trees that are beginning to show their leaves - just budding out a little , but in a couple of days - a week at the most - there are going to be leaves busting out all over the place . I spent most of the day on line today - trying to get a job lined up for this coming winter ( November 2010 thru February 2011 ) . Dan talked about maybe changing our plans and not wintering in Texas - and maybe doing the northeast next summer , but he changed his mind again this morning . He decided that he wanted to go back to the west next summer - maybe Oregon , Washington state or even northern California . So , we will try and get something in Texas this summer . Then next winter ( 2011 ) we would stay on the east coast and go up into the northeast during the summer of 2012 . Now , I know that is planning WAY ahead , but it is good to have a goal . As soon as I know that we have something lined up for this coming winter I will start looking for a spring position and summer position for 2011 . It will probably be this summer - maybe while we are still in Alaska when I get all this lined up . But , you know me , I don 't like not knowing . Whatever happens , I 'll keep you informed . I did get the formal application ready to mail to Texas tomorrow along with the authorization for a criminal background check . A lot of states are doing background checks on the volunteers now , and I can 't blame them . We don 't have a problem with it and I wouldn 't think anyone would that doesn 't have something they want to hide . Anyway , I hope to know something soon - but it probably won 't be until June or so before we find out anything definite . I do have some leads for the summer of next year in Oregon . We will see how that plays out . I did not feel well all of last night and most of today - I took a couple of doses of allergy medication and I feel much better this evening - hopefully I will actually be able to sleep tonight . I was so achey last night and my head felt like it waPosted by Last night we had a little cookout here at the " house " for the hosts that were leaving today . It was the first time that we have had a group here at the house and I think it very well . We grilled hot dogs on the grill and Dan fixed some Chili on the camp fire . I also fixed some baked beans in the crock pot and fresh peach cobbler . We had all the fixing 's for the hot dogs and sour cream and cheese for those that wanted that on their chili . I made a pot of coffee for dessert and I think that it went well . This is a picture of the table after everyone finished eating . Here are some of the other hosts sitting with Dan - both of these couples are the newbies - they came in to replace Tom and Susan and Sharon and Bob ( who left last week ) . I 'm not sure what Susan was talking about , but she had every one 's attention ! It was a little chilly last night - as you can probably tell with everyone bundled up - but we put the sides up on the EZ Up and it protected the food and it was pretty warm if you happened to stay inside . One of the rangers came by and had some chili with us before he had to leave to present a program - the one on snakes ( Uck ! ) . Glad I didn 't have to be there . The other day we watched him feed the snakes some little mice ( gross ! ) . Just NOT my thing ! Today Dan and I worked ( actually this morning ) . It was POURING down rain all morning ! ! ! ! We did have a couple of customers - but not very many . I kept busy though by stuffing Easter eggs for the hunt this coming Saturday . I ran out of hard candy with only 23 eggs left to stuff - we had to have three batches with 168 small eggs and 10 large eggs . I got two batches done and then ran out before I could finish the last batch ( I did do the 10 large eggs - I just didn 't have enough to do the last 23 ) . Oh well , we have the week to get it done ! I 'm getting ready to go get in the bed - I 'm really not feeling that well tonight - I ache all over and I just don 't feel good . So , I 'm going to sign off and go get in the bed . Hope you guys had a good weekend and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Posted by I know , I know - I didn 't post last night - I really don 't have an excuse other than I was tired and I went to bed . I wanted to make sure I posted tonight though - so here it is . Yesterday we drove around some to see the country side . We really haven 't done any just riding around and Dan was about to have a fit - so we just decided yesterday would be a good day to do that ( on our way to Ingles to turn in our movies ) . Well , we found this old store - the Old Sautee Store that was established in 1872 and has been in continuous operation since then . It was really a neat store - the front part was set up just like it was back " in the day " , but the back part was a regular store . They had some really neat inventory - really pretty things - in fact , I bought a pair of crocs that are lined with a " fur " like material ( might be nice when we are out in Alaska ) and a couple of things for the " house " . When we left the Sautee Store we went across the street to another couple of stores - one had " western " wear - you know what I mean - the leather , fringe jackets and sterling silver with turquoise . Dan loved a couple of jackets , but none of them were big enough for him . Then we went by a pottery museum - we decided that we would not go in yesterday , we just didn 't have the time . We 'll go back at a later time . Then we saw a sign for a covered bridge - now , as most of you know , there are not many covered bridges left and even fewer in the south . So , we headed down the road looking for the bridge and three miles down the road we found . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . okay this is the river the bridge crosses ( and yes , they have a " modern " bridge that is used now ) but we also stopped and walked across . . . . . . . . . . the covered bridge . It was really neat - of course , there is all kind of graffiti on the inside . But it was really cool to be able walk across this old covered bridge . Okay - this is not the original bridge - the original bridge was washed away in the early 1900 's by a flood . This is a recreation of the original . After we lefPosted by Okay , tonight we watched 2012 and it was not exactly our cup of tea . We did watch it all , but it really was not what I thought it would be . I knew that it was a " disaster movie " but come on ! Between having to turn the sound up to hear the speaking parts and then WAY down so the ' special effects ' didn 't blast us out of the house it seemed to be a constant battle . Anyway , like I said , it just wasn 't our cup of tea . Now - The Blind Side was FABULOUS ! ! ! ! It was , by far , the best of all the movies we have watched in the last few days . I would definitely buy this one - even Dan said he would like to have it . One minute your laughing and the next your crying . It was a really good movie . So , I would recommend it to anyone ! I worked today - and it was really very slow AGAIN ! I think I had three sales the whole shift - and one of those was my own sale . I did have one cash sale - for a total of $ . 85 . Just wasn 't our day . After we came home - I fixed lunch - chicken salad - then made the egg salad so we will have things for lunch the rest of the week . I fixed a chicken and rice dish for dinner ( along with a salad ) . Now we have a few dishes in the refrigerator that we will need to eat in the next couple of days . I also took some country ribs out of the freezer for Dan to fix on the grill . We should be able to have those in the next couple of days . Well , I really don 't have much else to report so I won 't bore you with our boredom . Hope you guys are having a good week - We are suppose to have rain move in tomorrow and rain through Friday . I 'll let you know - in the meantime - you guys take care - stay warm and dry and - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! I guess I 'll just start naming the blog for whatever movie we are going to ( or have ) watch ( ed ) that day . So , as you can tell from the title , tonight will be The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock . I have been wanting to see that movies since we were down in Sebring , but I just never got the chance . I even thought that it could be a " girls night out " movie when my oldest daughter Crystal and Kim came down to Melissa 's for Christmas - then Dan had to go and ruin all our plans by getting sick and going in the hospital - silly man . Seriously , I was not able to see it while we were down in Sebring and the movie came out today - we were lucky enough to get it this morning when we took back the other movies . ( Also rented 2012 - will watch that tomorrow night ) We had to go into town first thing this morning - as we ran out of propane yesterday afternoon while I was trying to cook dinner . I had two burners on the stove going ( one for the spaghetti and one was browning the meat for the sauce when the fire went out . Dan went out to turn to the other tank and realized that both tanks were empty . ( Oh what am I going to do with that man ? ? ? ) Anyway , he took the pot with the spaghetti outside and put on the grill and I got the electric skillet out and did the meat and added the sauce - it all turned out good ( except the bread - I had one of those refrigerated loaves of bread that I tried to cook - but it was over six months old and it just didn 't turn out . I had bought it while we were still in Idaho and it had gotten put in the back of one of the drawers and I forgot it was there . Anyway , it ended up in the garbage . ) The rest of dinner turned out okay - we just had to improvise a little . The rest of today has been somewhat of a wash - it has been really cold here today - the wind has been bad out of the northwest - cold ! If you weren 't in the wind and the sun was shining it wasn 't too bad , but that wind was wicked ! I did a load of clothes and got them all put away . Then I straightened up the house . I also bought a couple of books foPosted by Today it snowed . No , it did not stick to the ground - I mean the temperatures were up to seventy on Saturday so the ground was too warm for the snow to stick - but it snowed off and on all day . Just a spit every once in a while and then it would come down really hard - in fact , this morning , it was snowing so hard it was almost like a blizzard - no seriously ! Anyway , it was " colder than kraut " today ( this is an expression of Dan 's and I have no idea what it means other than it was really cold today ) ! I 'm just ready for the temperatures to get a little warmer - I really don 't want it to get hot , but a little warmer than forty would be very nice . Tonight I am watching Julie / Julia and really laughing - this movie is really cute . I just love Meryl Streep and she is so very talented ! Not to mention Amy Adams - she is so cute ! ! ! Anyway , I think I really like this movie and would go and buy it to add to the collection ( our vast collection of about 20 DVD 's ) . I know that some of you will be surprised that I did not go up to the Lodge tonight to watch TV - the season premier of Dancing With the Stars was tonight , but I decided that I could watch it on the computer tomorrow - I can just be a day behind . I 'm not looking to vote for anyone any time soon - if it gets to that point then I start going down and watching it , but I really don 't see myself being all involved in this year 's cast - no one I like . Oh well - it ' 's okay . There are other things to occupy my time . We got a new work schedule today . You know that I asked that we have the afternoon of the 23rd , all day the 24th , and the morning of the 25th of April - well , on the new schedule our last work day will be on April 22nd and we are scheduled to leave on the 23rd . This was somewhat of a surprise to us , but it will work out okay . We are thinking that we will go ahead and move down to Fort Yargo State Park for the weekend and then leave from Atlanta on Monday , April 26th . We would then start on our way on our great adventure ! Well , we will see how it goes . Well , I 'm goiPosted by Boy on Boy - I 'm starting to think we need to start building the ark . I mean , come on ! It has done nothing but rain ( and I don 't mean sprinkle ) all day today - it was so bad this morning that Dan decided he didn 't think we needed to drive two hours into Franklin and then two hours back in it , so we did not go to church this morning . I was really looking forward to going , but I do think that you do have to think about safety on the roads when you have a lot of rain to contend with . So , instead we just sat around the house and watched movies and read . I did a little of my word searches and Dan worked as little on his Suduko . This afternoon , when it did decide to let up a little we headed into Cleveland to buy some groceries . We went to Wal Mart and to Ingles and picked up the few things we needed and then it was back home . We picked up a couple of more movies at Ingles - " Have you heard about the Morgans " and " Julie , Julia " . We watched " Have you heard " tonight and it was rather cute . Actually , it was much better than " Old Dogs " or " Up in the Air " . Dan and I were both rather disappointed in both of the ones we got the other day - we really thought that Old Dogs would be funny with John Travolta and Robin Williams in it , but it was pretty lame . Up in the Air was NOT a typical George Clooney movie - maybe that was why he was up for an Academy Award - but I was not a fan ( don 't get me wrong - I still love George Clooney , and still think he is drop dead gorgeous , but this was not my cup of tea ) . I 'll watch " Julie , Julia " probably by myself - this is not Dan 's type of movie . Well , you have pretty much heard about our day - not much happening except rain , rain , and more rain . Oh , and just FYI - the weathermen are calling for snow flurries here tomorrow - what happened to Spring - did I miss something ? ? ? ? ? OMG ! ! ! ! Well , I 'm going to let you go - I 'm going to bed and read some more - take care - and I hope you had a good weekend and will have an even better week ahead . ( Melissa - I hope you are feeling better - drink lots ofPosted by Sorry I didn 't post last night - all the hosts got together last night and had dinner at the Lodge to say good bye to one of the hosts that is leaving this week ( Tuesday , I think ) . Anyway , we all went to eat and the Lodge was swamped - and understaffed . The waitresses asked if we could lend a hand and bus tables for them - so all of us girls pitched in and started cleaning tables - we worked for about 2 hours just as fast as we could . It seemed like just as soon as we would get one table done there would be someone sitting at it and another two needed to be cleaned . Now we are talking about three dining rooms - there were four of us girls and we worked our little buns off ! The good thing about it was - we helped the girls at the restaurant when they needed us - and I really didn 't mind . Plus , I slept good last night ! ! ! However , by the time we got home all I wanted to do was climb in the bed and relax - I only read for about 15 minutes before it was lights out and sleepy time for me . The store was not that very busy yesterday morning , but I did have one really good sale - over $ 100 . 00 - so that made my deposit look good . The host that came on duty after me had a repairman coming to his unit here in the campground , so when the guy got here I went back over to the store and covered for him while he came over with the guy working on his refrigerator . I only made a couple of sales while he was gone and they weren 't that big - but at least we are helping each other out . While I didn 't have people in the store I went into the store room and cleaned and straightened and label crates so we would know what is in them . It was something that really needed to be done and it looks soooooooooo much better now - I don 't know if anyone else will notice , but I think it looks better . I had promised a couple of days ago to post pictures of the site where we are and I hadn 't done it yet - today was an absolutely beautiful day and so I thought I would get those pictures for you . If you look closely in this one you will see that lamp thPosted by This morning Dan went with Tom ( one of the other hosts ) and worked on a project here in the park , while I was busy cleaning up the house again . I guess when you live in such a small space you mess it up faster than you do a larger house . It doesn 't take long for the house to get messy if you don 't put things away when you are through with them - and to tell you the truth , Dan has a tendency to not put things away . But that 's okay , it gives me something to do . After I got things straightened up I put some eggs on to boil so I could fix egg salad . Then I made a couple of phone calls that I needed to make - like to Quest Diagnostic to get them to update the insurance information . After Dan got home , he warmed up some of his roast from the other night and I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ( the egg salad wasn 't finished yet ) . Then it was off to the store . Our first stop was the local store - Betty 's - just to check it out . We had never been in the store and we had been told it was a good store . Well , ' she ' had a little of everything and had a BEAUTIFUL meat department . We ended up buying a couple of rib eye steaks that Dan is going to fix on the grill tonight - I 'll fix the baked potato and the salad - Yummy ! ! ! The next stop was Ingles - Dan had been told that they had a great video department so we thought we would check them out . In fact , they had a fabulous video department . Then I just had to find out what their procedure was to check out video 's . Actually , it is very easy - you just need to have in Ingles card and show your driver 's licenses . We now have two movies - Up In The Air and Old Dogs . Dan has been wanting to see Old Dogs for a long time - and we both want to see Up In the Air with George Clooney . I have a list of movies that I want to see - from Julie , Julia to The Blind Side . They had about 5 or 6 on the shelves we want to see , but only want to check out two at a time - one for each night . The Ingles store is a 24 hour store ( which I didn 't know they even had ) and it is on " our " side of ClePosted by Today was a pretty good day at work - we actually had some people in ( okay just a couple , but at least that is better than Monday ) and I actually had a deposit ! The next time we work will be on Friday morning and I 'm not sure if we will be busier ( weekends are usually busy - and this weekend it is actually suppose to be warm - 69 degrees - and sunny - that will be amazing since all it has done is rain , rain , rain ! ) . Also the park is hosting a special event this Saturday - an astronomy thing - and we should get some people in for that . However , since we are working Friday morning I don 't think we will get the business from this . The people that come in for the weekend usually show up Friday afternoon / evening - so , I don 't know how busy we will be on Friday morning . We do have a few more people in the park today - I think about six different units came in during the day . I guess things are looking up . ( Oh , in case you are wondering , I didn 't have any problems closing up tonight - maybe I 'm getting the hang of this thing ! ) I guess you could tell from the paragraph above that it rained here again today - I tell you what - this has been the wettest winter / spring I can remember . It rained almost the entire time we were in Dowling Park ( January and February ) plus it was COLD ! It has rained here at least four days out of every week . Today was not a down pour - just a cold drizzle - but it sure did put a kink in doing anything outside . Tomorrow , Friday , and Saturday are suppose to be nice and then rain moves in again Sunday . Such is the cycle right now - I 'll just be glad when things clear up some . Dan and I planted some daffodils out by the camp host sign yesterday - and we have a pot of daffodils . I just love that flower - it sure looks like a bit of spring in the air when you see their pretty yellow blooms . I can 't help but smile . I 'll try and take some pictures tomorrow and post so you can see the campsite - I don 't think I have done that since we have been here . If the weather is half way decent I 'll get a couple of piPosted by Today was cleaning day - not only did I clean the ' house ' but I did all the laundry also . In fact I am finishing up Dan 's jeans in the dryer now . It was just one of those kind of days - not a whole lot of substance , but sure was a lot of work . Dan went with the other guys today and painted some stuff for the park . While he was gone , not only did I clean the house , I cleaned up the fire ring area . Dan had cut up a tree ( well the rangers had actually cut down the tree , Dan just cut it up into firewood ) . It sure did give him quite a bit of firewood but it also made a huge mess on the gravel by the house . So , today I went out and cleaned up the mess so the outside looks half way decent also . Dan was even impressed , at least he said it looked good . We had our host meeting this morning and it went pretty well . I guess I 'm going to be the Easter bunny on the Saturday before Easter ( 4 / 3 ) - I 'm not really sure how I was " volunteered " to do that , and I don 't know how it will work out with our schedule since we are suppose to work Saturday morning , but I am sure it will all work itself out . Dan 's medicine came yesterday - but mine had not come . Now , they had my prescription and when I called they said that the medicine had been mailed on 3 / 5 and I still hadn 't received it . So , they said they would send me another shipment . They did not have Dan 's prescriptions and had to get in touch with his doctor to get new prescriptions yet he got his . Anyway , guess what - my medicine came today - so now I will have a 180 day supply instead of a 90 day supply . I guess that 's okay - I just won 't need to order it while we are in Alaska . We will just have to deal with getting Dan 's . Dan decided to cook his roast over the fire this afternoon when he got home . So he cut the potatoes , onions , and carrots - put the roast in the cast iron dutch oven with the vegetables and beef broth - a little Everglades seasoning and cooked it over the campfire for a couple of hours ( well , actually about 3 or 4 - we didn 't eat until 7 : 30 ) but it was really goodPosted by Today was our day to run the store by ourselves - shift was from 11 to 3 and we had exactly zero customers - that 's right I said zero , nada , zip , no one ! That was the longest four hour shift ever ! I cleaned , I swept , I refolded merchandise , and I read . I went outside and watched the deer , I made a couple of phone calls . Anything to pass the time . Anyway , the shift finally ended and we were able to come home . Tomorrow morning we have a host meeting ( I guess they have these monthly - but this will be our first one . ) So , at 9 : 30 in the morning we will experience our first monthly host meeting . I did give Ellen a note today asking to be off the afternoon of the 23rd , all day the 24th and the morning of the 25th of April , so we can go down to Atlanta for Mom 's 80th birthday . We 'll see how that goes . Dan is also thinking about trying to leave before the 29th . He says that whenever our last day at work is we will leave the next day - That would be after we get back after Mom 's birthday . He has even said that IF we are scheduled to work on those last days that we will see if we can trade days with some of the other hosts and be off those days ( meaning the 26th , 27th or 28th ) . We 'll just have to wait and see what the schedule is and see what happens . After the meeting tomorrow , Dan is going to work with Tom ( one of the other hosts ) and paint some of the trash cans and I 'm going to clean house and do laundry . The laundry should take all day - I haven 't done it in awhile and the laundry basket is full . We 'll see how long it takes me . Of course we work again on Wednesday afternoon and then again on Saturday morning . Should keep us busy this week . I really don 't have much else to report - we are watching a movie tonight - the TV is still not coming in well - I think it 's because of the wind . Anyway , the movie is good and I 'm going to sign off for now . You guys have a good week and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! ! Today , just for the fun of it , we decided to drive up to Franklin and just look around at our old " stomping grounds " . Plus we wanted to see how long the trip was - we might be able to go up for church on Sunday mornings . Well , we found out it is only about an hour and a half away - so church would definitely be do able . To tell you the truth - it was really nice to be back in the neighborhood . We rode around town ( not too much has changed ) there are some new places to eat ( fast food ) and a new performing arts center that really looked nice . We rode out to our old neighborhood and went in and looked around . We went up to the cabin to see if Bob and Debbie happened to be home - they weren 't , but we left them a note - so maybe they will get in touch with us . We also rode up to the road that our " big " house is on and went to Marge and Jim 's house - I sold them the house when I was in Real Estate back a couple of years ago . They are actually Dan 's daughter 's in - laws . Anyway , they have moved up to Franklin full time now and so we dropped by to see them for a few minutes . We didn 't stay long and then we came back home . We were gone about five hours total - three hours round trip and then two hours there in town . Not too bad - it was a good way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon . After we got home I just spent some time on the computer doing what I normally do - some " farming " . I also looked up some stuff for Dan - I ordered him four books on line so maybe that will hold him for a little while . We are finding it difficult to find the books that I got him hooked on - if I had known that it was going to be so difficult finding these books I never would have bought the first one . LOL ! ! ! At least he is reading - just wish he would read books that are easier to find ! We didn 't do anything else today - tomorrow we work - 11 to 3 . At least we don 't have to go in until late in the day and we are the only shift working . Right now there are not that many people in the park - I have only seen a couple of RV 's so I don 't know how busy wPosted by I opened the store this morning . It started out to be a really good day - I was actually able to get the safe open by myself . ( The last time I opened I had to have Dan open the safe - I couldn 't get it open ! ) Plus , we were busy - there were actually people waiting on the porch for me to unlock the door . Anyway , whenever it would rain ( which happened quite frequently ) the store would fill with people . There was a boy scout troupe here this weekend and parents and scouts were in the store buying all kinds of things - from coats and rain poncho 's to camping supplies to food items . The credit card machine was working ( YEAH ! ) and things went well . When Judy came over to take over - my cash drawer balanced and the credit card slips balanced ( double YEAH ! ) . There is one thing about being busy - the time goes by much quicker . We don 't have to work again until Monday - and then we have the store the entire time - we have shorter hours on Monday - 11 to 3 - so I both open and close the store . That should be interesting ! As mentioned above , it is still raining here - now today was not a total wash out - we did have times that it wasn 't raining , but it never dried out . Plus , the temperatures are going back down - not into the twenties but to the upper 30 's tonight . Here is a real kicker - the weathermen said that we MIGHT have SNOW FLURRIES tomorrow ! Come on - I thought we were finally going to get warm - everyone is talking about spring . There are actually some daffodils starting to poke their little heads up - they are blooming in the valley . Now , we might get flurries - oh well , it will warm up yet - just wait and see . After work , we came home and ate left overs for lunch - then I cleaned up the kitchen from lunch and breakfast . After that I took a pill and sat down with my heat thingy over my eyes and I took an hour and a half nap in my chair with the dogs in my lap . When I woke up I started dinner . We had chicken , noodles , with mushroom soup and cheese casserole and a tossed salad . I cleaned up the kitchen again ( I seem tPosted by Rain , Rain , Rain - all night , all day , and suppose to continue tonight , tomorrow , and Sunday . It sure does make good sleeping weather , but I do have things I have to do sometimes . Today I did a load of laundry - then we went to the grocery store . We didn 't go to the local store - Dan was working on some stuff outside ( in the rain ) and when he finally came in he had to dry off before we could go anywhere . When we finally left to go to town - he wanted to go to Cleveland to the Carhart store ( don 't ask me why - he didn 't buy anything and he certainly didn 't need anything ! ) and then to the hardware store . Now , this was one of those stores that has just about everything in it including the kitchen sink . They actually had the clamp Dan has been looking for , so I think he will be able to finally finish his outdoor lamp ( this thing has cost a small fortune ! ) tomorrow after work . Then we walked into the local drug store - it has a lunch counter and all kinds of neat things . Finally we headed to the grocery store . Because of the weather I decided that I would make homemade soup tonight for dinner and there were a few things I needed to pick up to do that - so , our milk , eggs , butter , and bread turned into a full fledged grocery store run . That 's okay - I won 't have to worry about buying groceries for a couple of weeks now . Then on the way home a local bakery opened today for the first time this season and , of course , we had to stop . We bought some raisin cinnamon bread , some banana bread , and a chicken pasta dinner ( that I will fix for dinner tomorrow night ) . Everything looked great and smelled even better ! When we got home , I put the groceries away and then started the soup . I also made some homemade bread to go with the soup . Not only did the soup and bread taste pretty good , it sure did make the house smell good ! Of course , we have left over soup for lunch tomorrow ( and probably for lunch a couple of other days ) but the bread is all gone - Dan sure does like homemade bread ! Not much else happened today - we go to work tomoPosted by Today was my first day at work where I closed by myself - and I think I did it right - I mean there really wasn 't that much I could have messed up . The lady that had the morning shift did not have any business ( zero , nada ) and I had two sales - both cash - one for a jacket and the other for two bars of ice cream ( that one was Dan and I ) . So , there wasn 't that much I could have messed up - other than the paperwork that we have to turn in and I 'm pretty sure I did it correctly - guess I 'll find out the next day that I work . Actually today wasn 't that bad - a little boring ( I did read some ) but I also straighten the shelves and refolded some of the merchandise . Just a typical day I guess . I 'm sure that it will be busier when the weather clears - it has been raining here for two days and is suppose to rain through Saturday . Not many people want to be out in the rain . After work - most of the hosts met at the Lodge for dinner - Dan and I had soup and salad bar again - I still say you can 't beat the deal ( $ 7 . 81 for both of us - which included dessert - I didn 't have any due to the ice cream bar today - and drinks ) . After we ate we sat around and talked and laughed for about an hour . It was a nice relaxing evening . Only one of the couples didn 't come - Don and Judy - Judy had a terrible headache ( I can understand that ! ) - but maybe they will be able to go the next time . Tonight Dan can 't pick up anything on the television - probably due to the cloud cover and rain - so we are just chilling . I told him he could put a movie on - but he just wants to read his new book - the only problem with that is , he is going to read the thing in two days and then won 't have anything to read again . Oh well - I 'm reading a couple of books at the same time - one on my Nook ( here at home ) and the other is a paperback down in the store . They are both pretty good . Tomorrow I think we are going to go into Helen and do some grocery shopping at the little local store - we only need things like milk , bread , and butter - maybe another dozen eggs . We Posted by Well , there is no place like home even if you are sleeping in your own bed at your Mother 's house in Atlanta . ( Let me explain that little line - when we sold our house in Dowling Park there were a few pieces of furniture we kept - some of which we took to my mother 's house in Loganville . Those pieces included our bed - so when we go to her house we sleep in our own king size bed - YAHOO ! ) Let 's get to the details - yesterday we decided that we would go on down to Mom 's and see her and take Crystal out to dinner for her birthday . We left here around 10 in the morning and I called both Crystal and Mom on the way down to let them know that we were on our way . This time we didn 't forget anything that we needed ( I even remember to take the coffee beans that I wanted to try and get ground with me ! ) We got to mom 's around lunch time . She didn 't want to go with us to get some lunch - she said she had had a late breakfast so Dan and I went into Loganville to do some running around and eat . First , we stopped at the post office to mail a package for mom and then it was off to Home Depot to return the lampshade that Dan had bought for his outside light . Then we went to Chick Filet for lunch ( I love their chicken sandwiches ! ) . After lunch we went over to Wal Mart where they had a nail salon ( same chain as the one in Lake City ) so I was able to get my nails done while Dan " shopped " . This salon was very busy and it was 20 minutes before they even started on my nails - but they did a good job I think . Dan couldn 't find anything to buy ( wonder of wonders ) so we headed back to moms and were back by about 4 or 4 : 30 . We sat around and talked for a little while , before she headed in to take a shower and get ready for dinner . We left her house about 6 : 30 - I called the girls and they were just leaving their loft . We couldn 't have planned the timing anymore if we had tried . We had just pulled into the parking lot at Applebee 's when the girls pulled in and parked in front of us . We had a pleasant time and I gave Crystal her card , present , Posted by This is going to be short and sweet ( and I 'll fill in the details tomorrow ) . We came down to Atlanta today and are staying at my Mom 's in Loganville for the night . We meet the girls ( Crystal and Kim ) at Applebee 's for dinner since we missed Crystal 's birthday on Sunday due to the " Fire Alert " . It was a nice time . Back at my mom 's and ready to go to bed . Have a good night and I 'll catch you up on the details tomorrow ! Have a good day and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! ! ! Today was just another day of the same ole thing . Seems like all I do anymore is laundry - of course , when you have a small machine you do have to do it more often , and believe me , I am NOT complaining about having a small machine . I do have a machine and I can do it here in the unit and not have to go to a laundromat or down somewhere else for a couple of hours . Today , while I did the laundry , I was also able to make lunch of egg salad sandwiches , do some stuff on the Internet , and watch TV . So , that was not such a bad day after all . Tonight , I fixed dinner - Cashew Chicken . Then it was back on the computer to do some of my everyday " farming " . In other words - today was not a very exciting day . The weather was nice and Dan was able to do some work outside - putting the rope lighting around the cover over the picnic table . It does make the outside look more " homey " , if you know what I mean . That was about the extent of our day . Oh , I guess I should say something about my predictions on the Oscars - I got all six of my predictions correct ( I even added the animated picture , so actually I was 7 of 7 - but I didn 't put the animated picture on the blog , so I won 't count that ) . I don 't think I did too bad this year . I still wish Meryl had won best actress . Actually , Crystal and I sorta disagreed about that - you see , I think that best " actress " should be based on the job the actress does . In each part that Meryl completes she becomes a completely different person - some actresses are the same person just trying to " play " a part . Anyway , that just what I think . I guess Hollywood doesn 't agree - it 's who campaigns the best - not the job they do in the movie . Oh well , the dress was pretty ! Okay , that 's all I 'm going to bore you tonight . I hope that your first day of the week was a good one and that the rest of the week will be good also . You guys take care and - - - - - - - - - - - I 'll talk to you tomorrow ! ! Today was an exciting day ! It started out like any other day - Dan and I went to work and that went well - other than the fact that the credit card machine didn 't work . ( I thought I was doing something wrong , so I called the gift shop over at the Lodge and talked to the girl there - I wasn 't doing anything wrong - it was the machine ! ) Anyway , we completed our shift and the money in the register balanced ( YEAH ! ) Then we came home and packed . We had these great ambitious plans of going into Atlanta this afternoon and see Crystal ( my oldest daughter for her birthday ) and then go out to my mom 's and spend the next couple of nights so we could plan her birthday party in April . So , we started out on this adventure - we don 't get out of the park when we realized that we forgot all our cash at the house . So , we turned around and came back to get some money . We start out again . This time we make it all the way through Helen when Dan asked me if I got the medicine - No , I said . Well , he said we weren 't going home after it . Okay , we have some spare in the truck - it will get us through the next couple of days . We 'll be home on Tuesday - no problem . We get all the way to Gainesville when my phone rings - it 's one of the camp hosts wanting to know if we had already left the park . Now , mind you , this is the girl who relieved me at the store today - so my first thought is , " Oh S * * * ! I screwed up something ! " . I told her yes , we had already left - then she tells me " we " ( meaning the campground ) is on " High Fire Alert " - that there is a fire about one and a half miles away from the campground and heading our way . I tell her we are coming back . I hang up the phone - tell Dan what is going on and we turn around and come back to the campground . On the way back , I call my daughter and tell her we will not be able to get down there to see her for her birthday ( first time I think I have ever missed one unless it was when she was in college ) . Anyway , I was bummed . By the time we get back to the campground we are still on " Fire Alert " , but Posted by I thought I was retired - I sure don 't feel like it today . First thing this morning I cleaned the house really good - you know the whole nine yards - vacuum , mop , dust , bathroom , shower , kitchen , even cleaned the mirrors and windows ! I didn 't need to do laundry - had done that on Thursday . Then it was on to balancing the checkbook , paying bills , and getting the " little black book " caught up to date . ( Boy , we didn 't do well this month with expenses - a lot of one time things and a lot of expenses getting ready for the Alaska trip - service on the truck , Vet bill , ferry ticket , work on the unit . Then there were the one time expenses - the generator was the " biggie " there . And of course , we can 't forget changing insurance companies and paying for a year of insurance on the unit and the truck . ) Well , to say that we didn 't stick to the budget would be a HUGE understatement ! Oh well , we will get back to it this month . ( Seems like we have a good month - then a bad month - can 't seem to get it together consistently . ) Then I did get things caught up on my games that I play on Facebook - the farms are all harvested and replanted . Animals are milked , eggs are collected , and all is well in the land of games ( although I do still need a couple of friends so I can expand the farm on Farmville - but that is a whole different issue ! ) Tonight I have been doing research on state parks in Texas that we might want to spend the winter - I filled out the application and I will get it in the mail to the volunteer coordinator on Monday or Tuesday . We 'll see how that goes and I 'll keep you posted on anything we hear . I sure hope that I can get something lined up for the winter by the time we leave here at the end of April or at least by the first of May . ( I know - I 've applied for one thing in Texas and they said they would get with us the first part of June , but I 'm not very patient - I like to have things set up well in advance . ) Like I said , we 'll just have to wait and see . We fixed boneless pork chops on the grill tonight with baked potaPosted by My antenna arrived today and it WORKS ! ! ! ! I am soooo happy ! ( Dan says it doesn 't take much to make me happy - and maybe it doesn 't , but that 's okay too ! ) While I was work today ( I 'll tell you about that in a minute ) Tom , one of the other volunteers , brought the box to Dan and then Dan brought it to me . I could hardly wait to get home and see if it would work . In one way I was really nervous , not knowing if it would work or not , but once I put the antenna on the window and plugged it into my air card - turned the computer on and boom - three bars ! ! ! ! I wasn 't getting any before - so , yes , I am a very happy camper ( literally ! ) I am so happy to be at home and being able to post , blog , and farm . Yeah ! Okay , enough about that - how did work go . It was a very interesting day . First , I got at the store just in time for a shipment to arrive . I let the morning person check in the order - I didn 't want to do that first thing on my first day . Anyway , I knew how to change shifts over with the money ( that 's a good thing ) and then a little while later Shirley came down ( I was really glad to see her - I didn 't want to try and close all on my own ! ) The day went by really quickly because we spent the time putting out the order that had come in . Shirley showed me how to find the merchandise code - price everything and put it out on the shelves . Then , when it was time to close , she let me do it on my own . Which I remembered most of it all - only had to ask a question once or twice . Anyway , the next day we work , I will be opening - which is much easier than closing . Much less paperwork to do . I think things will go well at the store . However , after work , Dan and I were both BEAT ! I 'm really surprised on how tired we both were - but we haven 't worked in over two months and it makes a difference . Anyway , Dan decided he wanted to go up to the Lodge to eat ( half price ! ) . So we went up and had soup and salad - with dessert and drink was only $ 7 . 42 for both of us . Not too bad ! Tomorrow we don 't have to work so I 'm not sure what we will do durPosted by Today was the first time we had to order our medicine since we have changed insurance companies - or I should say the School Board changed the prescription provider . We used to have Walgreens mail order and that was a piece of cake . However , for some reason , we were changed to a company called Medco ( I had never heard of them before ) . We were told that the transition would be seamless - that Walgreens would transfer all our prescriptions over and there would be no problems - yeah , right ! As I said , I called today and , you guessed it , there were problems . Believe it or not , the new company had my prescriptions ( all three of them - from my hormone , to my Boniva , and even my migraine medicine ) but NONE of Dan 's medicines - which are much more important than mine . Anyway , to make a long story short Medco requested that Walgreens send the transfer over and hopefully we will have his medicine the end of next week to the middle of the following week - I should have mine the first part of next week . Now , if this just works out it will be amazing ! After we got all this taken care of we went over to the store ( where I will be working ) and were trained in " Nature Bingo " . This is one of the programs that the rangers do and they wanted some of us trained in case they run into a problem and need some help with school groups etc . It really didn 't take that much time to get trained and I didn 't mind at all . Then it was off to Cleveland for our run to Wal Mart and pick up a few groceries - I know some of you might wonder why we always go to Wal Mart to buy groceries instead of a local grocery store . Well , at Wal Mart we can find just about what ever we are used to getting anywhere in the country . There are a few things that we have a problem finding once we get west of the Mississippi , but for the most part the stock is the same . So we picked up a few things and then came back home where I finished up the laundry that I had started before we left and fixed dinner . Oh , BTW , one of the things that we bought was a Brita Water filtratPosted by Believe it or not - we had orientation today ! Actually the weather was not bad and the temperatures would have been nice except for the wind - that wind was wicked ! ! ! We went over all the paperwork that we needed to and then we did a halfway tour of the park - some roads were still closed due to the snow and then our ranger that took us had to be in a meeting at 1 - so we didn 't see everything , but enough that we will be able to function . We were back home by 1 and then we decided that we would come up to the Lodge to eat lunch ( we hadn 't done that yet ) . Oh , did I tell you that , on the days that we work - and today was a work day - we eat at the Lodge for 1 / 2 price ? ? Well , we came up and ate and it was less than $ 9 . 00 . We have decided that it might be a good idea to eat our big meal in the middle of the day and eat light at dinner . At least , we think we will give it a try and see how that goes . After lunch - we went home and spent a little time with the pups . Then we left for Gainesville to see if we could find a booster for my air card . We found the Verizon store and they recommended an antenna that will stick on the window right beside my desk ( on the outside of the unit ) . Of course , they didn 't have any in stock and had to order it - but it should be here in 2 business days ( which hopefully will mean Friday ! ) I am really hoping that this will solve the problem we are having . It is somewhat tiresome coming up here every night to post , plus I really can 't do my " farm " justice . All I do is harvest and send gifts to my neighbors - I can 't take the time to do all the things I should be doing - like visiting their farms and fertilizing for them ( okay - those of you that don 't farm don 't know what you are missing ! ) Anyway , I have already been up here two hours and I have done just the bare minimum that I need to do - and I never go to my other games . Oh well , hopefully this will fix the problem and I can get back to doing what I need to do . Seriously , I do need to get on line to do our banking , pay our bills , and do rePosted by Early morning snow ! Around 8 this morning - across from our unit . Around 10 : 30 down by the store . Around noon - up from the unit . Well , I tried to do something today - but it didn 't work . I had written the blog at home in Word and I was going to come in and cut and paste it to the blog - but it didn 't work . I guess that it is in a different format - anyway , it wouldn 't paste to the blog - it would paste back to documents but not the blog . Oh well , good try . The major story for today was the snow ! As you can see from the pictures above we had quite a bit of snow today - it started around 4 this morning and didn 't stop until around 5 this evening . Dan says that we probably got about 4 inches total - it was beautiful ! Big , huge , wet flakes most of the day - with pretty heavy snowfall at times . However , most of the time it was a nice steady snowfall . Dan and I walked around the circle and I took pictures with the cellphone camera , but I haven 't downloaded them to the computer yet - I did take pictures with the Canon and the Panasonic - some of which I posted at the beginning of the blog . We also walked over to the store as I was suppose to have more training today - however , when we walked over to the store no one was there . I do have a key now , so I went in and called the Lodge and asked . I was able to talk to the General Manager of the park and he told me to enjoy the day - no training today and probably no orientation tomorrow . ( DARN ! ) Oh well , such is life and we will just have to take it as it comes . I can tell you , it was a beautiful day and we both so enjoyed the snow . We are the only people down in the campground in our section . Our neighbor host had to take his motor home in to have some work done it on so he pulled out early this morning before the roads got bad . So now we are the only people there - there is only one camper in the entire park and he is over in the area that has full hookups for the campers . Oh well , it does make for a nice quiet day . As I said , I probably will not have orientation tomorrow Posted by Well , I 'm back at the Lodge tonight posting again , so you can tell we did not have much success in finding a booster for the air card . We went into Cleveland and looked at the Ace Hardware store ( which we were told had booster 's ) , at the Radio Shack , at the Verizon Wireless store , and the Auto Zone ( where the person at Verizon sent us - go figure ! ) . Anyway , no one had the booster - so , my next trick is going to look on line at the Verizon web site . Maybe , just maybe , they will have something . I don 't know . I wanted to come to the Lodge tonight anyway to watch the final episode of The Bachelor ( okay , I know that it 's just stupid , but I happen to like it - so sue me ! ) . I 'm pretty sure that I know he is NOT going to pick the one I like , but I just have to see for myself . Then I think it 's next Monday , Jason and Molly ( last year 's Bachelor - you know , the one that jilted Melissa and went back with the girl he had sent home of the final two - I 'm sure you all know the story ) are getting married . He is the first of the Bachelors to marry someone . I don 't think I will come up for that one - but it is something . Speaking of TV - when I got home yesterday afternoon after blogging up here at the Lodge - Dan had a little surprise for me - TV . We only get one network channel ( NBC ) and then we get a weather station and a sports station - which , by the way , are all NBC channels . I wish it were ABC instead of NBC , but we do have a TV station so , Dan is happy . Actually the picture is excellent - can 't believe how good it is and it is coming off our little TV antenna that is on top of the unit . Go figure ! Today we started training - or I should say - I began training in the store . Dan did rounds with Don again . The lady that is training me was about 45 minutes late getting down to the store - I was really ready to just go home - in fact , Dan went up here to the Lodge to see if there was a problem . Anyway , they were having a meeting about the upcoming snow coming in . Yes , they are still calling for snow up here - in fact , we are undPosted by
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Buster Elvis HesterJanuary 1 , 1997 - December 6 , 2010 Today is a sad day . Our dog , whom we had for 12 years , died today . Buster was part of our family for a long , long time and it feels strange without him today . I always said that Buster was going to kill himself one day . You see , he was so bad about stealing food . When he was a bit younger , he stole entire loaves of Italian bread , sticks of butter , ate chunks out of a birthday cake , and stole hamburgers right off the table when no one was looking . Even today , that makes me smile . Buster was doing great ( he even had a surgery three weeks ago ) until Thursday when I was out with my Dad . While we were gone , Buster got into two pizza boxes that were left out and he probably ate an entire pizza . I think whatever he did to get the pizza boxes down ( I always thought it would be interesting to have a camera so I could see what in the world he did to sneak food ) hurt him somehow . The next day , he had trouble getting up and wanted to sleep outside . He was doing much better on Saturday and even ran away : - ) You could never count that dog out . He was such a tricker . He was not feeling good , but managed to run away and take advantage of the fact that I had taken his leash off . In the midst of my sadness today , God remains so faithful . He cares about my sadness over a dog . I am thankful for a God who cares about the details of my life and my family 's life . God decided to have Buster die today and Alan is home today . He was so sweet and took care of so much this morning for me . Tomorrow Alan will be in Rochester . In a month , Alan , Davin and I will all be in Rochester and Bethany will be here alone . I would not want her to have to deal with this all by herself , so I am very thankful for God 's perfect timing . I am not sure what I think about all of the new screenings at the airports . I do know that Davin has been having full body pat - downs for his whole life . I am just saying . . . On Tuesday , Davin had an appointment at St . Christopher 's . We have not been back to the hospital for quite some time now and I did not expect the flood of emotions that came . As we drove the familiar drive , passed the one restaurant that Alan and I quickly ate at one night during Davin 's hospital stay , the gas station where I got gas the one night I left the hospital when Alan stayed with Davin . . . . so many memories were made in such a short time . Davin was in the hospital for 13 days and yet it seemed like a lifetime . I can remember so many things , so many moments from those 13 days . During that hospital stay , my boy lost so much . He needed help breathing , he could not eat and ended up with a feeding tube and rarely smiled . I prayed . I prayed some more . I cried . I cried some more . I crawled in bed with my boy and held on . I asked my God to please restore him . I knew that Davin did not have all of the skills that other kids had , but I love what he had . I asked God to give back the things that Davin had lost . Please restore him was my cry over and over again . God always answers my prayers , but He does not always say yes . This time He did ! It took some time , but God restored Davin . It was an amazing thing to watch right before our eyes . Driving down Erie St . on the way to St . Christopher 's , the tears were welling up in my eyes as I thought of the road that we were on three years ago and the way God restored my son . Today I have entered a different stage of life . I am , of course , going kicking and screaming , but still I am going . My baby boy turned 18 today . I am now a mom of grown children . Ugh ! Lest I make this day all about me ; - ) , let me go on to celebrate my baby boy ! Davin Bruce Hester entered my world 18 years ago today . I expected him to come yesterday . Generally , my labors and deliveries were so fast . Davin 's seemed to take much longer . He was much harder to push out for some reason . He was my smallest baby at 7 pounds and 1 ounce . He was the shortest baby at 19 inches . We had two matching sets now . Two girls and two boys . The girls were 21 months apart and the boys were 21 months apart . Things were perfect . . . . too perfect . . . something in me knew that things were just not right . Today I won 't go into more about Davin 's diagnosis or the grieving that followed it when I realized MY perfect was not to be . God knew so much better . HIS perfect is divine . God has allowed ME the privilege and honor of raising this PERFECT ( well , not always ; - ) boy for the last 18 years . God has taught me so much through Davin . Lessons I would have missed if not for THIS perfect . All of my children inspire me . I love so many things about each one of them . I guess the thing that makes Davin a different kind of inspiration to all of us is that he does it without words , without the normal movement that others have . He has come up with creative ways to show us who he is and what he is all about and know this without a doubt . . . . I love that boy . We all love that boy . My family loves him with a fierceness that sometimes just brings me to tears . Happy 18th Birthday to my littlest boy ! ! ! ! I am so proud to call you my son ! ! Don 't worry . It is not Cheney who dropped out . It is Davin . We went to visit Cheney 's college this weekend for Family Weekend and I thought it would be wonderful if Davin went to one of Chey 's classes while we were there since Davin will never get to experience that for himself . It made me kind of emotional , just thinking about it . Cheney said that was a great idea and set it up . Davin was not in the class very long when we got a text from Cheney saying that Davin hated the class and maybe we should come get him : - ) Davin ended up making it through the whole class , but he decided college is not for him . Yes , to hanging out and being on campus . Yes to going to the talent show and yes to going to the improv show on campus . A big , fat NO to going to classes ! Funny boy he is . I learned on Friday ( when we filed the official paperwork for Davin 's guardianship . . . . hopefully ; - ) that in our county , we may not have to make a court appearance . The court may grant the order on paper and that may be it ! ! I think that would be a lot less traumatic if I didn 't have to hear all of those words . I know I would rather Davin not to have to hear those words . Also , because we were not able to file the complaint with the court until 2 weeks before Davin 's birthday , there may be some things we need to do prior to his birthday to cover our decision making abilities until the order for guardianship can be granted . I had in my mind that I Davin really NEEDED to play in a leaf pile this year . I am not a big fan of raking ( okay , I rarely ever rake up my leaves ) , so he had not played in the leaves for a long time . It was on my list of things to do for today : - ) I began raking while Davin watched ( after we paid our last respects to a bird that died flying into one of our windows : - ( and the look on his face said , " Mom , this is lame " . It really did ! So , I am talking away and telling him that this is FUN , not LAME ! He was unsure when I went to plunk him into the leaf pile , but he enjoyed it . He enjoyed it until the part where Bethany covered him all up except for his face . He didn 't love that . Good to know ; - ) Alan and Bethany are both away . I am quite used to Alan being away , but he usually left me with a house full of noise and kids and busyness . This time , it is me and Davin and our dogs . It is quiet as can be and we don 't like that so much . With everyone else being gone , it is kind of nice to have Davin with me at night . I know I am probably getting myself into trouble . Davin especially loves it because he sleeps right in his Dad 's spot on his Dad 's pillows : - ) He also likes it when I tell his Dad that he is sleeping in his spot . Alan reminded me I am probably making things harder for myself in the long run . But , he just looks so cute and sweet sleeping there and he sleeps SO good ( amazingly enough ) when he is in our bed . I think I am in trouble and I will have no one else to blame but myself . First , I must clarify . There form yesterday said , " incapacitated individual " , not " incompetent " . Sorry about that . Davin and I are back from our appointments . Davin saw two doctors today . One is our pediatrician and one is a senior doctor at the practice . I had myself prepared to say something to the doctors if they began saying things that were going to hurt Davin . I envisioned whether I would need to have Davin leave the room and wait for me in the waiting room . Our doctor could not have been more compassionate . He did not say a lot about what a devastating thing this was for us , but you could see it in his face and in the things he did say and didn 't say . He already knows Davin , so there was not much to talk about . We did talk about how the paragraph that I had written did not really define who Davin is . The doctor agreed with me that in this case , we needed to make him sound as bad as possible , but that Davin is the boy we know , not what is on that paper . He signed the forms for us and we were ready for the other doctor . The next doctor we have maybe met one other time . He could not have been more caring and considerate in the way he dealt with us . I had been praying that God would let me " keep it together " . Since I am not a regular crier ; - ) , when I do cry , it tends to be something rather ugly where my words can not even be understood . I wanted to be in control and I did not want Davin to feel like this was a huge deal . The doctor never said a word that would make Davin feel badly . He asked what he could do to help us beside signing the form . He asked some questions about where Davin goes to school and how he communicates . We left without one tear falling ! God 's grace is ALWAYS sufficient . The same will be true for our court date . Davin and I talked this morning about the purpose for the appointments today and the upcoming court date . I told him that when people turn 18 , they are supposed to make all of their decisions by themselves , but sometimes people need a little help . We are asking the court to let DavinPosted by Today I had to type some words at work that I did not necessarily like or agree with . The worst part is that they were about my own son . My brother - in - law / boss / attorney is getting ready to file the necessary paperwork for Alan and I to become Davin 's legal guardian once he turns 18 . ( Otherwise , the state could step in and make decisions in his interest . ) Davin will be 18 next month , so it needs to be done . The first step is to have our pediatrician sign a physician 's affidavit . That is what I typed up today . Tomorrow Davin will go to the doctor . He will see his primary doctor and also one of the other doctors in the practice . It will last about an hour . Today , I typed the words . . . " Davin Hester , an alleged incompetent individual " . I didn 't like those words . I also didn 't like the words that I had to type describing what Davin can 't do . I have always hated describing him that way . Can 't we just talk about what he can do and what he is like ? No , not for this . We just stick to the big facts . He is non - ambulatory , non - verbal , can not feed himself , wheelchair - bound and requires 24 hour a day care and his parents to make decisions for him . Does this sound like Davin to you ? It doesn 't sound like him to me , either . You know that Davin has his own ideas and likes to make the decisions around here : - ) However , I understand the point and I realize we need to stick to the facts . I kept wanting to add things like . . . but he shows us clearly what he wants to do by finger pointing and eye gazing , but to write those things was not appropriate in this situation . So , tomorrow I will take my son to the pediatrician , but it will not be a normal appointment . I am trusting that there will not be a whole lot said that will make Davin feel badly about himself . I will talk to Davin about what is going to happen ( as I have been ) in the morning and prepare him for what is ahead . Who will prepare me ? This is hard . Poor Davin . Maybe this is a reminder to slow down and take the time to figure out what Davin is saying to me . But , it is the morning and I am so busy . Our morning routine is planned out to the minute . No time at all for anything out of the ordinary . I get his first medicine , get his clothes , shoes and boots together , get breakfast ready , move the wheelchair where I need it at the end of the hallway , get Davin dressed , feed him and put his coat on . Done . Not a minute to spare . Davin has been pointing at something in his closet from time to time for a VERY long time . A couple of times , I thought I knew what he wanted and got that out for later in the day . Several times , I was pretty sure he wanted to wear something specific ( maybe after almost 18 years , he is tired of me picking out his clothes ? ? ? ) , but after trying to find out what he wanted to wear , I quickly gave up because , did I mention that we have a very tight schedule in the mornings ? ? ? Today Alan and I went to a wedding and Bethany and Davin stayed home together . ( We try to avoid the whole " babysitting " reference so we don 't offend the boy with the razor stubble ; - ) When we came home , Davin had on a camouflage long sleeve Army fatigue shirt . The real kind like his Uncle Mike wears when he goes to the reserves . We had gotten it for Cheney when he was in a play in the fourth grade , I think . Apparently , when Bethany was getting Davin dressed , he was insistent that he needed something else . She tried and tried to figure out what it was and then she found it . . . . . the shirt . . . . who knew ? She said that she picked the Army shirt up and Davin was beside himself . When we came home hours and hours later , he was proud as a peacock and just laughed and smiled as we talked about the shirt . Davin even laughed and laughed when I told him that I didn 't know that was the shirt he had been wanting to wear for so long . Oye ! When Alan went to get Davin ready for his bath , he nearly had to cut the shirt off of him because it is very much on the small side : - ) So , we will be on thePosted by I do not love the fact that Davin has a severe disability . I DO love the fact that at almost 18 years - old , he will still snuggle with his Mom : - ) Priceless . Love that boy . About four months ago , my family got a gym membership . Two of my kids started going . They kept asking me and asking me when I was going to start going . I don 't want you to think my kids were trying to be mean to me . They knew I had wanted to start going to the gym , but the summer was just not a good time for me to start that . When Davin started back to school a few weeks ago , I started at the gym . I have this adorable partner that goes with me . She is a blondie and rather tall ; - ) My goal is to go three times a week , but so far , I have only made it two times a week . I do realize that I do not always look confident when I am doing something new . Sometimes I am laughing at the gym . No one else seems to be having fun . It is a pretty serious place . I always have to read the directions when I go to a new piece of equipment . I do try to read them quickly , though ; - ) I also realize I do not look like the rest of the people who are working out . Do any of the other people have the upper part of their body thrown over the top of the machine like they are hanging on for dear life ? Not really . Do I notice anyone else 's head bobbing wildly while they are working out ? No . Do other people look like they are going to fall off of the stair climber thing ? No . Thankfully the nice man who happened to be smiling when he walked by and looked at me , also got on one down the aisle and then I was able to see how I was supposed to be using it ; - ) Hey , I am a beginner . The last time I worked out in a gym was in high school for softball . That has been a while . Give me time . Today I was talking to Cheney about the gym . He is very proud of me that I have been going and we talked about how he will go with me when he comes home for Thanksgiving . I then told him how someone had asked me a question about his college when they saw me wearing my matching Wheaton College sweatpants and t - shirt . ( and frankly I was feeling good ! ) Cheney asked me why in the world I would be wearing sweats to the gym ? ? ? I had no idea why I should not be wearing sweats . SurePosted by Every afternoon around 2 : 00 , there is one little dog in our house who watches out the window for Davin Boy . He waits and waits and waits until it is 2 : 30 and Davin 's bus backs into the driveway . Usually Davin is greeted by Rocky who then has to sniff his wheelchair and figure out where Davin has been and what kind of smells he has on him today . Cute : - ) I have now been a parent for 25 years ! It is hard for me to believe that . To make things worse , my BABY is turning 18 in just a couple of months ! ! Next time someone asks me my children 's ages , I am going to include my dogs ' ages because that will make me feel better . Having children who are 18 - 25 is not good ! They are way too old : - ) They are still fun , though and I do like to be around them . Still , I think using the dogs ' ages is a good idea . Of the 25 years of parenting , I have been changing diapers for 24 of them . It has been part of my life for over half of my life ! Wow ! HOWEVER . . . . there was that one year . . . . it was blissful . . . . there were no diapers . . . When Bethany was 2 1 / 2 , this cute little 4 year - old named Ashleigh potty trained her . I am not even kidding a little bit . I would always say that Bethany was fine , but Ashleigh would drag ( sometimes literally ) her into the bathroom and insist that she " wanted " to go to the bathroom . Since Bethany has always adored her older sister , I guess she decided if Ashleigh thought she wanted to go to the bathroom , then she must have . So , Bethany was potty trained . I was not yet pregnant with Cheney Boy . Alan was home from his med - cruise just recently . Life was pretty good : - ) I knew it , too . Sometimes when people have small children , they think life is so crazy and hectic and can 't wait for them to grow up . Not me . I knew having two little girls was the best and having no diapers made my life just seem like a breeze . It was a whole year until our little Cheney Alan Scott came into our lives in January of 1991 . Even though changing diapers is no big deal and it is just a part of my life , sometimes , I still think back to 1990 . . . . . ahhhhhhh . . . . . : - ) 25 years ago , my life changed forever . A little 8 pound , 5 ounce little girl came into my life and I was no longer strictly known as Heather . I was Ashleigh 's Mom . It is a title that I have had for 25 years now and am so proud of . Happy Birthday to the baby girl who changed my life , stole my heart ( and her Daddy 's ) and set my course on a different direction . I love you ! ! 25 years ago today I was waiting and waiting and waiting . I had been given a due date of September 6th and here it was the 14th . 25 years ago , I was about as big as a house ; - ) Seriously . 25 years ago , I had a husband , but we didn 't yet feel like a real family . We had been married such a short amount of time ( 6 months ) and over half of that we had spent apart while Alan attended Navy boot camp and his first ET school . 25 years ago , I was writing letters almost every day telling Alan what was going on in the day . We got to talk on the phone some , but it was not like today where we have email and communication is so much easier . Phone calls were expensive and money was not something we had a lot of : - ) 25 years ago , my whole life was about to change . I had been through the most terrible time of my young life . I had felt the stares of people in my church , heard the whispers , missed the eye contact , saw the disappointment in faces . But now . . . . now it was different . Now my baby was about to be born . The baby God had decided to bless me with in spite of who I was and what I had done . I was ready . I don 't know how I was ready , but I was . I made a decision to never make my baby pay for my mistakes . I took that to heart . I would welcome this baby and never look back . When I think about that time in my life , the most amazing thing is the transition . When did my teenage heart become a mother 's heart ? I can not look back and see the day , but it is so obvious that it happened . I went from being a senior in high school concerned with soccer practice and homework and now 9 months later , I was ready for this new challenge . I didn 't feel like I was missing out . Thankfully , this day 25 years ago , I didn 't realize I had another 9 days to wait ! ! ! ! She was worth it , though . Davin came home from school today with a bit of an attitude problem . His note from school said he had a great day , but when he got home , his sister was on his sofa that he usually rests on . I was asking Davin questions , but instead of giving me a yes or a no , he decided to start hitting his sister . I firmly explained he would not be hitting his sister or he would have to go spend time in his room . I guess I needed to give the full list of things he was not to do since he then pulled Bethany 's hair instead . Ugh ! Really Davin ? I told him he was going to have to adjust his attitude and give his sister a hug as an apology . It took a while , but he eventually submitted . Attitude , attitude , it 's all about the attitude . The reason that Davin was in his bed crying ( my previous post ) was because he had a fever : - ( I felt pretty badly that I let him cry and cry for so long . Needless to say , it was a long , rough night . Sleep did not come easily for him and his fever was not quick to break . After several hours , I took it to the Lord and prayed over Davin and his fever finally broke and he was able to rest . On Thursday , Davin was feeling much better and we got up and got ready for school . His bag was packed , breakfast was eaten , straps were done on his chair . He was ready . The bus did not come . We watched out the window . Rocky watched out the window . The bus still didn 't come . I called the bus garage . This year , Davin 's school decided to observe the Jewish holiday . The bus would not be coming . Oh yikes . Just a couple of days into school and already I am confused ! This is not a good sign ; - ) Today , we got up and got ready . The bus came . Good day . Alan left today for Rochester for the week . Bethany is spending the night with her sister . I have one little 17 - year - old boy who is whining in his bed . I am ready to call it quits and go and get him , put him in my bed and he will be asleep in no time . Little twirp : - ) Today was Davin 's first day of school ( the second for everyone else ; - ) and the day went well . For dinner , I took Davin and Bethany to Friendly 's to celebrate the first day of school . Davin had a HUGE strawberry milkshake ( thanks to his bus driver Leslie who gave him the Friendly 's gift card ) for dinner . We stopped by Costco and Joann Fabric on the way home . I even made up a special first day of school song and sang it to Davin on the way home . You would think he would be tired and want to go to sleep . Sometimes you just need your Mom . . . I can relate to that . I am in a food fight with Davin . Unfortunately , at the present , he is winning . It is a battle that rears its ugly head from time to time . The first battle with food was before he was 2 years old . These days Davin is " supposed " to have oatmeal for breakfast . There are very few choices for breakfast since the school gave me a fit and a feeding center changed his whole diet for me : - ) Thank you very much to them . Davin ate oatmeal every morning until he was probably 12 or so and then I started giving him cereal ! He loved it and I would be careful that it was mushy before he started eating it , but then the diet change . . . . and here we are back at oatmeal for the last 4 years , I guess . Davin 's normal routine is to eat the entire bowl of oatmeal . It gives him a good start and I have found the oatmeal to be an excellent place to stash some things I want to get in him for the day . I can throw in his calcium and vitamin D chewable thing , his flax , butter for more calories and sometimes even a multi - vitamin . Well , he is not too thrilled lately with oatmeal and I can not shove it into his mouth ! Normally , if my kids won 't eat what I have for them , I just say fine . No biggie . But , when your kid is 17 and weighs a whopping 65 pounds and some of that has to be attributed to the hardware in his hip ; - ) , you are a little more persistent about eating the calories . So , we are in a fight . This morning it was a draw . He ate almost half . When school starts , it will be a different story . Do I wait this out or give him the yogurt that he will gladly eat ? Yogurt has between 100 and 200 calories and I can not get the extras into that as easily . Definitely not the calcium because that needs to melt for him to be able to eat it . Did I mention that we went to the neuro yesterday and she thinks Davin is way too thin ? ? Oi A mother in front of us in line at the place to get your blood drawn was waiting for her teenage daughter . She had been waiting for a while . She was getting nervous . She finally tried to go in and see what was happening . She came out and said there were 2 people with her . She asked what was going on and was told her daughter would be fine . What did that mean ? Find with what ? Davin and I went in to have Davin 's blood drawn . We had the same lady . She went over and whispered something to another tech over by the teenage girl who was still not done . I knew I should ask for another tech . This one just didn 't seem quite competent . How did I really know that , though ? I just hate to hurt people 's feelings . I back Davin 's wheelchair up and tell her he has good veins in either arm and ask her if she has a preference for his arms . She asks me if I am going to stretch his arm out and hold it . I tell her that is what I usually do . I stretch his arm out and she grunts . I ask her if that is good or bad . She finally sticks him and has to move the needle around . It is uncomfortable for Davin . I can tell . I just keep telling Davin what a good boy he is and that it is almost over . She doesn 't say a word to him . We are on the second of three vials and the tech asks me if his vein usually blows up like that . I tell her no . I have never seen that happen . Maybe some mothers would not know if the vein usually blows up , but I am always holding Davin 's arm , so my head is inches from his little arm . I ask her what it means for it to be blown up . She said that his vein just blew . What ? ? ? She is telling me in this voice that is not caring , not concerned , not anything . I ask her what that means . She said it is no big deal . She told me that I am holding his arm tight , so that is going to happen . I ask how it will heal and she said it is not a big deal and it will just heal . She is making me feel like I am being ridiculous . I am not panicked or freaking out , but I would like to know if I should be watching for something or have my doctor look aPosted by In just a few minutes Bethany is coming to pick Davin up for a sleepover ! ! ! She is house sitting for my sister and asked if Davin would like to have a sleepover . Are you kidding ? ? Of course , he would ! Davin doesn 't get to go on sleepovers very often , so the thought of it is very exciting for him and for me . I am excited that his sister would think of doing that for him and that he can be excited to go . We have talked about it all afternoon and now we just have to finish up dinner and get a bag packed . Sissy is even going to take him swimming tomorrow : - ) I knew this day was coming . I certainly prayed my boy back to Wheaton . I rejoiced and cried tears of joy as we watched the Lord provide the seemingly impossible funding that enabled Cheney to go back for his second year . My logical mind knows that is where he is supposed to be and would never stand in the way . But . . . . my Mom 's heart is never ready for him to leave . I was so thrilled to see his excitement at returning to college this year . I see how much growth there has been in him in the past year . I know he is supposed to be far away from home during this time and yet . . . . I was not ready to let him go . I hugged him at the airport and smiled . . . . but was not ready to send him off . He knows . He knows he is loved here , wanted here , cherished here , appreciated here , but he also knows he belongs at Wheaton . I know tomorrow will be better , but today the tears seem to come so quickly . Sometime they catch me by surprise and sometimes I expect them . This morning as we got ready to leave for the airport , I told Cheney I was pretending he was going to camp . I thought it might help : - ) Tomorrow , I am carving a space of his room as my new scrapbook space ( until he comes home , of course ) . I am hopeful that will ease my pain . Probably not , but I will be happy to have a place to work on my scrapbooks . Maybe I will get around to finishing the book for him that was supposed to be done by high school graduation ; - ) I am hoping that the pirate flag that now hangs in his room that reads , " The beatings will continue until morale improves " , will encourage my creativity ; - ) I feel like I could be at a crossroads and yet part of my heart keeps tugging me back . After doing Awana and youth group for many years , I thought that maybe my time was up , at least for youth group . I had not made many connections with the girls this year as I am usually with Davin during youth group . I had expected that this would happen as I am more of Davin 's aide while I am there . That is okay , but I wondered if I should still be there if I am not making progress with the girls . It seemed as if God was leading me away from there . Then , some connections are being made and I am left unsure of how God is leading . Then , there is this very handsome man who will be living most of his days in Rochester . He doesn 't like to live without me and I am thankful for that . If finances work out , we are reconsidering making the move to Rochester for a time . Part of me loves this and part of me doesn 't . Both of my girls will be staying here , but I like to support my man and be there to make him dinner and take care of him during the week . He is so good about doing what he has to do to provide for our family and doesn 't complain , but I know it would mean a lot to him if Davin and I ( and at times Cheney : - ) were there . It is not simple , though . We have a house here that , for many reasons that I won 't explain , we need to keep . I have been apartment hunting again online and looking at some different areas to figure out if we can do it . So , limbo again . My favorite ; - ) I have also been seeing a need and feeling a tug to minister to Moms with young children . I was involved with a MOPS program at my sister 's church for a couple of years and I think this may be a ministry that God would have me take on in the near future . But , I must know first if I will be here or there . I know that God will show me what I am to do . I am very thankful and excited about the new connections I am making with the youth group and excited about the possibility of a ministry to young mothers that God seems to be laying on my heart . So many possibilities ! I have grown very accustomed to having a child who is non - verbal . It does not often cause a problem really . I hardly think of him as being non - verbal . He is so much a part of everything and he is constantly communicating although not with words . When Davin becomes sick or has something bothering him , things become a bit more difficult . I have been doing this for over 17 years , so I can read him pretty well and up until now have not had him into the doctor 's office needlessly very often . So , when I notice something seems " different " , I watch . I watch and watch and then at times , I begin to panic . Yup , I panic . I know it is hard to believe , but it does occasionally happen . I think God has given me that line where I cross over to being concerned and he uses that to keep Davin safe . I have to go with my gut since Davin doesn 't have words . Last night , I got concerned and it ended with a trip to the emergency room . In the end , the problem is not huge and Davin will be fine . The doctor and nurse were so compassionate . Poor Davin was nervous as could be . All that happened following his hip surgery in 2007 certainly has affected how he feels in a hospital setting . I decided to do a Thursday Thirteen today in honor of my sister . She just celebrated her 19th wedding anniversary and that is a pretty big deal : - ) She is my only sibling and just happens to be the one I would choose if I got to pick . Here are 13 things about my sister , Jenny : 1 . She was always called Jenny growing up , but now most of us call her Jen . 2 . She is a nurse and has just accepted a job as a school nurse . I have mixed feelings about this ; - ) 3 . She has three adorable children . . . Taylor , Trey and Jonah . 4 . Jen is 18 months younger than me . 5 . She grew taller than me . 6 . Jen is the person I call to ask advice . 7 . She is probably the most easy - going person I have ever known . 8 . She deals very well with a sister who is a little more high - strung : - ) 9 . Jen 's husband served in Iraq for a year . It was a very difficult year , but she handled it in an amazing way , just like she does every challenge . 10 . She loves Jesus . 11 . She makes me laugh all the time . We have lots of sister jokes that no one else finds that funny . That makes them even funnier to us ! 12 . I may have traumatized her during our childhood . For that , I am sorry . Really , I am : - ) 13 . She is perhaps the most reliable person I know . I can always count on her to listen to me , help me , or support me in any way that she can . She is the best and I am so blessed to call her my sister and my friend . I am missing my Alan this week . Although we have spent lots and lots of days / weeks / months apart , sometimes I just miss him more . This is one of those times . He left early Monday morning and doesn 't come home until late next Tuesday evening . All of our kids were here tonight for dinner and it made me sad he wasn 't here . He loves when we are all together . Cheney 's girlfriend Renee has been here this week visiting and he is missing that , too . I am so thankful that he does what he needs to do to provide for us . Most of the time , I am okay with being here without him . Just not this week . I was listening to K - LOVE yesterday on the way to youth group ( a half hour late ! ) . It was the Proverbs 31 segment and it really touched me . She was talking about seeing someone who had won a beauty pageant and that this young woman was wearing her banner across her chest that stated her title . She went on to say that we wear banners , too . We may not wear them across our chest , but the world sees our banners . Do our banners read that we have joy , patience , long - suffering , hope , and peace ? I really like this analogy and feel challenged by it . Even if my banner does not read " Miss America " : - ) , I am being watched . The things I say and my attitude affect the people around me and can either point them to what I have in Christ or turn them off from it . Help me Lord to remember to wear your banners to the world I come in contact with . Well , the day has finally come and gone . It was a strange date because for several months it was the day that Bethany was to be married and more recently , it became the date she was not getting married . We are now past that day and Alan commented last night that it is good to have that behind us . We are moving forward . Bethany is doing well and continues to rest in the fact that she made the right decision , in spite of the fact that it was a hard one . Instead of having a rehearsal dinner and wedding / reception , we went to see Despicable Me as a family and spent an afternoon and evening at Ocean City Boardwalk . We ate cheesesteaks together . Once during the weekend , Alan was concerned that we were spending too much money , but I reminded him that we were not spending nearly as much as we expected to ; - ) Do you know how you pray for lots of different requests , but every once in a while , one just grabs you by the heart and won 't let go ? That is where I am today . A friend from church just delivered her baby girl . I believe little Addison is about 13 weeks early . About a month ago or so , the doctors had shared with the soon - to - be parents that they feared the baby had some kind of medical issues . This one has got my heart . I am praying and praying and often find myself on the verge of tears . Oh Lord , be merciful . . . . We have had at least one set of bunk beds in our home for at least 22 years . A short while ago , I decided that one change that we could easily make in our house and would hopefully help my back a little was to get rid of the last set of bunk beds . Davin had been sleeping on the bottom bunk of the set that he shared with Cheney for many years . Last weekend , we cleaned and sorted and moved things around . Davin is now the proud owner of a slightly used full bed . ( Previously , it was Mom Mom and Pop Pop 's , Ashleigh 's , Bethany 's , and then Cheney 's ) He was pretty excited to be up higher and be able to see out of his window now . I am also thinking that he may be expecting Cheney to sleep there from now on with him , too since it was most recently Cheney 's bed : - ) Today I am waiting for a futon to be delivered for Cheney 's room . His room is teeny tiny and I was trying to come up with a good solution that would be comfortable for him , but also allow me to use his room a little bit for other things ( scrapbooking : - ) when he is at college . We are hoping the futon will fit in the room and Cheney will come home to a place to sleep when he gets back from Ohio tomorrow ! Tomorrow is the first day of summer school . This year and for the past couple of years , we have signed Davin up for summer school . His siblings all have jobs and with our house being pretty quiet in the summertime , it seems like a better option for him . I know that summer school is much more laid back . They do fun things and go on lots of walks . When all of the kids were home for the summers , we decided that Davin would stay home from summer school . He just missed too much being away from the house . We would either have to wait for him to get home from his half day or he would miss whatever activity we were doing and we didn 't like that . Since Davin stayed home for all of summer break for most of his life , he knows what summer feels like . He knows it is not one or two weeks . A couple of years ago , when we first decided to send him to summer school , he looked at me with a pretty annoyed look when he was riding up the lift on the bus . It was a look that said to me , " I know what summer vacation is and I KNOW this was not it ! ! " . I had to chuckle and yet he was not amused . The other night , Davin was in the tub and I was talking to him about school stopping for the summer and then how he would go to summer school just a few days later . Davin started shaking his head no back and forth and back and forth . He hardly ever shakes his head and certainly doesn 't do it consistently . I kept talking to him and telling him how much fun summer school is and how they do fun things and Davin just kept shaking his head no over and over and over again . In between , he would look at me like I was crazy for thinking summer school was a good idea . So , tomorrow when the lift takes his sparkly black wheelchair up , I wonder what look I will get from Davin . It seems he has made his feelings pretty clear : - ) Maybe if I have some kind of great snack waiting for him when he gets home . . . . that seems to work pretty well for boys . I have been married to Alan for 25 years . We have been in a relationship for 28 years and I have known him since I was 8 or 9 years old . So , you would think in that amount of time , he would know certain things about me . Along the way , he must have missed a couple of things . Alan and Bethany graciously went to the store for me last night . I needed to make a pie and wanted to get started on that right after evening church , so they were willing to make the trip to the store so I wouldn 't have to . I gave them a list and on that list was a birthday card . Today is a friend 's birthday and I wanted to get her a card . No big deal . I just needed a card for a friend . No worries . I had total faith in the team that I had sent to do the job . After they got home and unloaded the groceries , Alan instructed Bethany to show me the card they had gotten for me . They were both smiling . Okay , no problem . They got a funny card . I am funny . I like funny cards . Bethany showed me the front and it was talking about animals or something . Okay , it was cute . She opens it up and inside the card , they are talking about poop . What ? ? ? ? They got me a card that had the word " poop " in it and then to top it off , there was a picture of poop with flies flying around it . I looked at Alan and asked him what in my life made him think that I would be able to give a card about " poop " to anyone . He smiled again and said he thought I would think it was funny . Really ? ? Are you sure you were thinking of me , the one you have known for most of your life ? ? Hmmm . . . . I guess we still have some things to find out about each other . No worries , though . My sister came to the rescue and I traded her my " poop " card for a nice friend card . My nephew will LOVE giving that to one of his friends : - ) Today I was ugly . I wasn 't the only one , but nonetheless , I was ugly . I am responsible for my own actions . My son and I had a bit of a shouting match and it looked to be taking a very bad turn . Everything is fine now , but being a parent to college age and young adults is a very difficult task for me . The lines seem blurry , the goal unclear . It all seemed much easier when they were younger and I knew my role . It was so clearly defined . I could go into my parenting with assurance and gusto . Now , I am not always sure . Teach me , Lord . As for Bethany , she is plugging away . God has been good and she worked through lots of things in the last couple of weeks . She is getting her wits about her and looking for what God has for her next . If you think to pray for Bethany , she could use prayer about the direction God would have her go . Davin 's golf tournament is a week from tomorrow . We are really short on everything and it is hard not to panic . God knows , though . I tell myself that over and over . He will not stop providing for Davin 's needs . Praise God . I saw this week coming , and yet could not really visualize how it would all play out . This week I watched someone I love very much have to make an excruciating decision . It was painful to watch and yet I am so proud of her . Bethany 's wedding date had been set for July 10th of this year . Just six weeks away . . . real doubts had set in a few weeks ago . Finally , on Monday night after talking things through with her Daddy , she was able to come to the decision she knew was right . She and Jeff were not right for each other . There were many , many tears . There was relief . There was assurance from God over and over again that this was the right decision . God is good all the time . In the midst of the hard , painful times , we see Him so clearly . I am so thankful that God loves my Bethany more than I can even imagine and that is A LOT . My husband is not perfect . I do not share his imperfect times on my blog . I know that I only write about him when I am sharing good things . That is how I choose to write my blog . Although he is not perfect , I can say that I could not have asked for a better father for my children . I could not even have dreamed of all the things that he is to them . I have watched his relationships with them for their entire lives and it has always been one of my greatest joys . But , watching him lovingly care for his baby girl ( okay , she 's 22 , but still . . ) and talk her through everything and then finally say the words that could free her from her commitment that she felt so strongly , the words that would let her crumble so that God could rebuild something beautiful , I was just in awe . With tears in my eyes , I watched one of the most painful and yet beautiful moments that I may ever witness . His love for her is immense and it showed . Her love for him is the same . It also showed . I must say that this week has been one of the hardest . It has hurt to watch Bethany walk through such a difficult time . It has been a joy to watch her siblings and friends and family love her and cling to her and pray her through this time . GPosted by Today I found yet another water sport that I am a disaster at : - ) Early this morning , our whole gang headed out of the hotel and rented a speed boat . We had it for two whole hours and it came complete with a wake board , jet skis and a tube . We held Davin tight while he screamed in delight as the wind blew in his face . We started taking turns on the tube . Bethany did it first and then Cheney took a turn and he was like a professional tube rider ! ! I was impressed . Next was Lexi 's turn . She was a bit more " apprehensive " about the whole thing , but she did great . I was especially impressed with Cheney when I went to take my turn . I could hardly make myself jump out of the boat into the dark water . ( Just thinking about that makes me feel a bit nauseous ! ) I finally managed to make myself jump in and then had to get on top of the tube . That was no easy feat for me and I hadn 't even started riding yet ! I finally managed to get up on the tube and rode for a little ways . It was fun ! However , at the end of my ride , I fell into the water ( again making me a bit nervous . Who knew what was in there ? We had just visited Alligator Adventure earlier in the week ! ) Lastly , I had to get back INTO the boat . I thought I would never make it . I tried and tried and was so tired from my ride , I had no energy left to hoist myself back into the boat . Eventually , with my ever graceful moves and help from my strong Cheney Boy , I made it back into the boat safe and sound . Cheney and Bethany took more turns and did just great ! Cheney even tried the wake board ( which looks sooo very hard ) , but he was never able to get up on it this time . For lunch , we ate at Hamburger Joe 's . I enjoyed this so much , partly because it reminded me of Charlie 's burgers from the Rochester area . I always loved that place and it was nice to have something similar . We had seen a commercial for this place and so Alan found it for me so we could all go . I decided I would like a t - shirt from the place since I had wanted to go there so badly , but unfortunately , the ones they hPosted by Today was a much slower day than yesterday . We realized we had been running Davin ragged in the past couple of weeks , so today we took it easy for the day . We all slept in and had a nice breakfast in the late morning . I like having the time to do that . After we got all cleaned up , we decided to head down to the pool for a little while . Bethany and Lexi were already down when Davin and I arrived . Davin had a great time swimming with the girls . Bethany and Lexi and Aunt Sharon and Chelsea had made an appointment to go horseback riding at 2 pm . While they were gone , we just lounged around and enjoyed playing Phase 10 with Grandmom and Leah ( another one of my nieces who is here , but I forgot to mention . ) We had a nice time munching and playing the card game . Bethany and Lexi got back to report to us how horseback riding went . The look on Lexi 's face really said it all . Lexi is not a fan of horses or horseback riding . This was her first experience doing that and I think it may be her last . It sounded like an hour and a half of torture . I could not help but remember a similar horseback riding experience that I had in Aruba . This was two and a half hours of terror . Just pure terror . Much to Lexi 's credit , she did not cry while on her horseback ride . During my ride , I was sobbing within two minutes of leaving . I definitely knew I would not be going with them today : - ) Tonight we will let Davin get a little bit of extra sleep , so we can do something fun tomorrow . What will it be ? This week we are on vacation in Myrtle Beach ! We planned this vacation about ten months ago and have looked forward to it . Ashleigh was unable to come with us at the last minute , so we will update the blog with pictures to show her what we are doing . We miss you , Loubie ! Sunday was our first full day in Myrtle Beach . We went to the beach in the morning , which was no easy task . It has been about four years since we have taken Davin to the beach . It gets a bit harder as he gets bigger . When he was little , we carried him all the way down . As he grew , we took turns carrying him . Several years ago , I got a sled and pulled him on it when we got to the sand . This year , we drug his wheelchair backwards across the sand and then had a bath chair for him down by the water . It worked out pretty good , but I am not sure we will be hitting the beach every day ; - ) Later in the day , we rounded everyone up ( Alan 's brother and his family are here , too . Also , Alan 's parents are here . ) except for Grandmom and Grandpop and went to the aquarium . We loved it and some of us even got to touch stingrays ! After the aquarium , we walked around Broadway on the Boardwalk ( not sure if that is the real name ) looking in shops , picking up a couple of souveniers and eating dinner at a Japanese steakhouse . Great day , but a very full day . I don 't think all of our days will be quite so jam - packed . Also , you may notice that we have an extra person with us . Her name is Alexis ( Lexi ) and she came with us on vacation ! I have two daughters . They have been very different their whole lives . When Ashleigh was 2 and Bethany was about 6 months old , Ashleigh gave me my first big parenting challenge . She had always been a great sleeper and really needed lots of sleep . However , her will was like iron and she made up her mind that she would not go to sleep at night . I tried everything . I certainly was not a pushover kind of mom even way back at the beginning , but I just could not conquer this problem . We went for months where it would take me up to 4 hours to get one 2 - year - old to sleep . I was beside myself . Ashleigh was miserable every day because she wasn 't getting enough sleep . Finally , I got a system that worked and I was declared the winner ( at least in the eyes of the willful 2 year - old . Phew ! ) . As soon as I had a handle on the bedtime problem , I decided that in a way it was good . Since I finally had figured out how to deal with this problem with Ashleigh , when Bethany went through the sleeping problem , I would know exactly what to do and it would be fine . Silly , silly me . . . Bethany did not go through the sleeping problem . She and Ashleigh have rarely had similar issues - problems - crisis . They are totally different . They adore each other and have always been best friends , but they are different . Now we are planning Bethany 's wedding . You would think I would be an expert at this because I planned a wedding just two years ago . True to how different my two girls are , there are not many things about this wedding that will be like Ashleigh 's wedding . Ashleigh got married in a church and had a sit down reception in a banquet hall . Bethany is getting married outside and the reception will be outside . Totally different things to think about for Bethany 's big day . I am not surprised . I just smile because I think that their weddings will just be a reflection of the people that they are and I think that is a pretty good thing . I have so many things to blog about . So many exciting things are going on in our house right now . However , today is not the day for those . Today is the day that my Alan Scott was born . He is 44 years old today , so I will write 44 things about Alan . Happy Birthday to my man ! 1 . Alan is 6 ' 3 " 2 . He loves his family . 3 . The day our first daughter was born , he literally fell in love with her . 4 . Our oldest daughter Ashleigh is named after Alan . His initials are ASH . 5 . Our oldest son is named after Alan . His middle names are Alan Scott . However , when Cheney was little , he asked me to just call him " Alan " . So cute . 6 . He is a protector . I have always loved this about him . I may try to handle something by myself , and he sometimes asks me , if he can take care of it yet . Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no . I love knowing he has my back always , though . 7 . Alan wants to be like Christ . I can see this in his life and have watched him grow and grow . 8 . Alan doesn 't mind when the house is messy . Thankfully ! 9 . Alan is not a picky eater and will eat just about anything . 10 . Alan has traveled all over the world . Mostly without me . 11 . Alan met a little girl with long stringy brown hair and teeth that were almost buck when he was about 9 years old . Someday he would marry that girl : - ) ( After braces , of course ! ) 12 . I know that Alan would give his life for me or one of our children in a heartbeat . 13 . Alan started a business 6 years ago because he wanted his brother and Dad to have a place to work . 14 . Alan can do most anything on a computer . 15 . He is very intelligent . When we were in school , he never took a book home and always did very well . 16 . Alan gets a little frustrated with me that I am directionally impaired . 17 . When Alan and I were on our first official date , we were in a serious car accident and he pulled me out of the car . ( into sticker briars ) 18 . Alan likes to play video games , especially with Cheney Boy . 19 . Alan loves to travel . 20 . Alan takes excellent care of Davin . 21 . He is not really an animal person and gets a little Posted by It certainly is not a story that fairy tales are made of . It did not start out with a fancy proposal or an excited bride . I remember my father asking me on the day that I was getting married if I was excited . I answered him that it was something that had to be done . I am hoping most brides do not walk into a marriage with that kind of attitude . As sad as the beginning of my story is , I don 't think of it in that way . To me , it is a story of God 's amazing redemption . A story of His faithfulness to us when we choose to be faithful to Him . A story of God taking something broken and when placed in His hands , made beautiful . That is the story of my marriage . Today marks 25 years since the day that I became Alan 's wife . It was a decision made because we were having a baby and thought that we would like that baby to have both parents together to raise her . We walked into that decision with very little thought ( although we had been dating for two and half years ) and maybe no prayer . We discussed with our parents when we would get married and I can remember sitting there and saying we had something to do the following weekend , so we made it for two weeks away . ( Even as I write this , I can not believe this ! ! ! ) I do not encourage anyone to go into MARRIAGE with such little thought . However , although we went into a marriage as two 18 year - olds who were totally not ready to be married , we did have one thing going for us . We were dedicated . Once we took those vows , we were dedicated that we would stick with them until the end . I have to tell you when you are 18 at the beginning of the marriage , the end can seem very , very far away ; ) We had a long , long road to walk together . Alan and I decided to sink our teeth in , figure things out and be dedicated to making our marriage work . I have to be fair and say that even though I was not excited about getting married or ready to get married , Alan knew he was supposed to be married to me . He did not have the same reservations that I did . He knew everything would work out . We had discussPosted by For most of my married life , Alan has traveled to some extent . He left to go to Navy boot camp a couple of months after we were married . I finished out my pregnancy and delivered Ashleigh without him : ( Because God has seen fit to have these periods of absences in my life , I have come to appreciate some things about being without Alan for periods of time . The very best part of it . . . . the homecomings ! I love the homecomings ! Now , I have had many different kinds of homecomings . While our four children were little , Alan worked away four days a week for two years . So , every week , it was so exciting to watch my little children stand at the window and look for Daddy 's car to get home . The weekends were so exciting because Daddy was home with us ! The granddaddy of all homecomings for our lives was when Alan was in the Navy and went on his second Med - cruise . He would be gone for six months . Ashleigh was 3 1 / 2 and Bethany was just about to turn 2 . When I would look at the calendar and turn the pages of six months , I saw no possible way I could make it through that . As the day approached for them to ship out , I was pretty sure God was not going to let this happen . Surely He knew I couldn 't handle it and would not send Alan away for such a long time and leave me alone with two little girls . Well , God did have Alan set out with his ship for six months . Were those six months hard ? ( Certainly not as hard as the wives who send their husbands to Iraq or Afghanistan for a year or more ! ) They were hard . It is hard when your four year - old little girl walks around the house with a picture of her as a newborn baby and her Daddy holding her . While Ashleigh was doing this , she was crying with this cry that comes from your gut saying , " I want my Daddy ! I want my Daddy ! " I thought my heart would break in two pieces . But , at the end of all of that . . . . . the HOMECOMING ! ! The day we had been living for and talking about for six months . The trash days had been counted down and the USS Virginia was on her way home ! ! New outfits were bought , hair sPosted by I frequently hear people talk about boys being so much easier to raise than girls . My answer is generally that it depends on the child and as genders go , they each have their challenges . They may not be the same challenges or come at the same time , but they come . Growing up is hard . I am wondering if people who insist that boys are soooo much easier than girls have ever watched a boy try to become a man . I have found ( in my own son and in other boys ' lives ) that this is a huge , difficult time of life . Right now I am praying for a young man who is very special to our family . He is at a similar point in his life that my son Cheney was in at this time last year . He has made some bad choices and there have been consequences that we presently don 't know the extent of . In my experience , girls are freer to show their emotions . They can cry and let those emotions out . It can look ugly , but they come out . After a certain age , boys are not really permitted to cry . This certainly was not something I had told my son , but I think boys catch on pretty quickly that by a certain age , crying does not look good for them socially , so they bottle it up . Eventually those emotions come out and I have seen it come out as anger or rage in boys . I know it did in my son and it was terrifying and painful to watch . Dealing with disappointments in themselves can leave them so angry . They need to be a " man " and yet they have so many insecurities and so many questions about what that should look like in their lives . And , of course , when they know they have things in their lives that are not living up to their own expectations of themselves . So , as I think back to a year ago when my body was literally between my son and the front door as he desperately tried to get out of our house while I wondered if I would end up being hurt or if the police would need to be called , I will pray for this boy that we love so much . I will pray that he will walk out of his anger and into all that God has for him . " Let not your heart be troubled . . . . " My heart is troubled . We have a situation that we have been praying about for quite some time . It is becoming a desperate situation and we are at a lack of answers . On our knees . . . Yesterday I took Davin to see a new doctor . The neurologist has insisted for two years that Davin must see this doctor . I was not sure why , but the neurologist was insistent every single time we saw her , so finally I got a hold of them and made an appointment . We took our x - rays and records with us . The doctor sat down and asked about Davin 's history and then asked me how he could help me . You see , the problem was that I had no idea . I explained to him that I was hoping he could tell me how he might be able to help us . I wasn 't sure what his expertise was . When I called to make the appointment , the receptionist asked why we were coming to see the doctor . I replied that I did not know . She asked if he was having trouble walking and I replied no . He is non - ambulatory . She asked if he wore MAFOs and I said yes . She asked if he was having problems with them . I said no . Hmmm . . . The neurologist insisted we see you , so that is why I am making the appointment . So , the doctor explained that the neurologist was concerned that Davin was very tight . Well , she is always concerned that he is tight . Last appointment she was concerned he was tight and too thin . Really ? ? ? ? ? I had never noticed ! You think he is tight ? ? ? And I thought he was chubby , not thin ! ! Okay , I am being smart . Every time we go to see the neurologist , she tries picking up his foot while he is in his wheelchair and stretching it out straight . You are never going to do that and have Davin NOT feel tight . She does not usually listen to me when I tell her how far his range of motion is , etc . I have come to accept this and just try to tell her and move on . The new doctor seemed nice and gave me some things to think about . I am going to consider doing botox shots in Davin 's arms right before his next round with intensive PT . That is the kind of thing this doctor does . Although I thought the doctor seemed very knowledgable , I couldn 't help but leave with somewhat of a bad taste in my mouth . When the doctor came in , he shook Davin 's hand . That was good . However , thatPosted by I was listening to K - LOVE in the car today and they were talking about a website or something where people were being challenged to come up with one word that they wanted to desribe their lives for the next year . It could just be one word . I didn 't have to think long about it . They mentioned many words that were so meaningful and good , but faithful came to my mind immediately . I want to be faithful . . . . in so many ways . I want to be faithful to my God . When He asks me to do something that I don 't think I am equipped to do , I want to be faithful to trust Him . I want to be faithful to be a good wife and go the extra mile even if Alan isn 't giving me back as much as I would like him to . I want to be faithful to my kids . I want to be a solid , consistent example to them . I want to listen to them and pray for them faithfully . I want to be faithful in my ministries , even when I get tired . I want to be faithful to take care of my boy in the best way possible . I want to be a faithful daughter . I want to spend time with my parents and parents - in - law . It goes on and on . To me that word sums up so many areas in my life that I am constantly in need of working on . Faithful doesn 't give the idea of doing something half - heartedly like I sometimes want to do things . Faithful puts in the time and energy needed to do the job right . Whatever it is . So , what is your word ? ? ? My girls read my blog more than anyone else . Of course , their favorite is when I do a post about them . Looking back through my old posts , I never did a post just about Ashleigh , so even though it is not Thursday , I will post 13 things about Ashleigh Diane : ) 1 . I had Ashleigh when I was 18 years old and she is the baby that I first fell in love with . I absolutely loved being her mother . 2 . Ashleigh had a very strong will and often had what we loved to call " episodes " . 3 . Ashleigh has adored her little sister from the minute she first laid eyes on her . The first day Bethany was home from the hospital , Ashleigh tried to share her french fries with her . 4 . Ashleigh is a director for T & T club in Awana and loves leading the girls . She has a heart for troubled kids , especially . 5 . Ashleigh has gone to Botswana , Africa and it was life - changing . 6 . For Ashleigh , family is very important . She hates to miss a family function . 7 . Ashleigh has been married for two years ! 8 . I could always count on Ashleigh to watch her younger brothers and sister if I needed her to . She loved to have them home with her while Alan and I went out . 9 . Ashleigh is one of the most loyal people I have ever known . 10 . Ashleigh loves working out . 11 . She also loves dying her hair . One of the first things she did when she went away to college was to dye her hair . 12 . Ashleigh has worked as a nanny for the last few years , although she does not presently have a job : ( 13 . Ashleigh is fun to be around ! She brings a party wherever she goes . If Ashleigh is missing , things are not as lively as they are with her there . 14 . I am proud of the young woman that she is . She is faithful to God , loves her husband and her family and has worked so hard on evening her strong will and letting God use it for Him . In our house there is quite a bit of talk about weddings now . Especially when it is just Bethany , Davin and I . Alan is not quite as excited about the whole thing ; ) It is interesting to listen to Bethany describe what she would like to have for the ceremony and reception . It will be very different from Ashleigh 's wedding just two years ago . Ashleigh 's wedding was very traditional and formal . Bethany is going to have an outdoor wedding and reception and it will be much more casual . It will be great fun . Bethany and Jeff are out tonight to meet with the couple that is going to do their pre - marital counseling . Tonight they are getting together to get to know each other before starting on their session . I pray it will be a blessed time and a time of thinking through and talking through lots of things . Davin had a huge week last week . In the matter of two days , he had a sleep EEG ( he had to stay up from 1am for this test ) , blood work , x - rays , went to the ortho doctor who had done his surgery , and got casted for new MAFOs . That was all just on Monday and Tuesday . I have to say , my Davin is just one of the easiest going people I have ever met in my life . On Monday morning , he got up at 1am and watched Little House on the Prairie through the night and was at the hospital in the morning for 5 hours and was such a trooper and was still smiling . I really learn from him all the time . It is amazing to me the attitude that he constantly has . This week in Bethany 's class , she got very upset . It has happened before . She is a social work major and so many times in classes , they end up discussing people who have disabilities . Unfortunately and sadly , the disabled people are not spoken of with respect or value . That was the discussion this week . They were talking about how even though people with disabilities don 't have the same value . . . . . These kinds of words cut like a knife when you have a name and face for the " people " . I try to tell Bethany that it is just different when people don 't know anyone personally . Somehow they are ablPosted by
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This post is my attempt to discuss the recent death of my father and the family " secret . " There are many emotions that go along with death . Sometimes those emotions are messy . This blog is my attempt to work through some of those emotions . Through my many years of being a nurse , I 've learned a lot of hard lessons . One of them has been that death is never an easy subject to deal with . There is always that risk of taking it a step too far . Of saying something too cliche that isn 't helpful and in some cases , can be hurtful . My father 's death has already caused a bunch of this . No one quite knows what to say to me , so they immediate start with " I 'm so sorry for your loss . " I can tell by the looks on their faces that I 'm somehow not responding like they expect . I don 't quite know how to fix it . How do I explain that sometimes you can mourn a person long before they die and there is just no grief left ? I mentioned that my relationship with my father wasn 't good . And it wasn 't . There are large parts of our history that I don 't talk about much . It isn 't because I grieve it , it 's because it 's confusing and in some cases , very unpleasant to think about . The confusing part is like having a puzzle where lots of the pieces are missing so you can 't quite make out the picture . Discussing him has always been difficult for me . My grandmother would come to pick me up for the weekend from my mom 's . On Friday night , my cousin , James and my other cousin , Floyd , would play baseball out in Granny 's yard . We had a real bat , but no balls , so we 'd used chert rocks or in the Summer , crab - apples . Our games were elaborate complete with ghost - men and there were very particular rules about ghost - men . Breaking one of those rules would get your nose busted . Or we 'd head off to the barn and climb up in the loft exactly like Granny told us not to do and jump out into the bales of hay . Or we 'd run off down to the sawdust pile to play King of the Mountain . Saturday 's would go much the same way until James and Floyd would leave to go play with other boys in the neighborhood ( there was only one other girl and she was much older than me ) . In those hours , I 'd slipped up into the attic . I 'd wait until my grandmother was in the kitchen preoccupied with making the Sunday meal , so she wouldn 't hear me step on that fourth step that always squeaked and would give me away . Sometimes , I could successfully skip over it and other times she 'd catch me and my Saturday trip into the attic would be thwarted . Going into the attic was a huge no - no , bigger than going to the barn . But it didn 't matter , I was drawn to that attic like a fly to honey , no matter the cost . The attic consisted of two main rooms . In my day , Granny had them sectioned off into a large bedroom and a storage room , but they hadn 't always been that way . The first one at the top of the stairs wasn 't really much of a problem . Except it was for me because there was a tiny trunk up there that I was convinced held the body of my dead sister ( A story for another day ) . This bedroom had once belonged to my uncle . He was a boy of 12 years old the last time he used this bedroom and he would never get any older . The second room was a sharp left from the top of the stairs through a doorway ( the storage area in my day , but my father 's bedroom in years passed ) . Just passed the doorway was a little alcove before stepping into the room proper . To the right of the doorway on the wall of the alcove was a large world map , dingy and dusty with age . Just touching it would cause the fragile paper to fade away into dust . On one such trip into the attic , my older cousin , Caleb , had filled me in on the family secret . There are many versions of the story . What I 'm about to tell you is my version of how I think the " secret " went down . I have pieced my version together from a stack of investigation photos , newspaper clippings and , of course , the outcome . My father was 17 and my uncle was 12 . I don 't recall now how , but my father had broken his ankle and had a cast on . He was in his attic bedroom in the back up against the window , cleaning his 22 . The windows were open because the attic was nearly always hot as three hells . Downstairs , my grandmother 's sister was taking a nap on the sofa . She was there because my grandparents were at the hospital with my aunt , who 'd just had surgery . Outside , my uncle picked a watermelon . It was a big one and I imagine he had a time getting it lugged into the house all the way back to the kitchen , where he placed it on the table . After getting it stable , he went into the kitchen to get a knife , which he brought back to the watermelon . He stuck the knife in the top of the melon and couldn 't get it to budge . After several attempts , my uncle decided to go and see if my father would help him cut the watermelon . Upstairs , my uncle stepped into the doorway and asked for help . My father pointed the gun at my uncle and said , " Go away and don 't bother me again or I 'll shoot you . " Just to prove a point , he pulled the trigger meaning to shoot the wall to my uncle 's left . Only the gun had a faulty sight and the gun was actually a hair right . The bullet left the gun and struck my uncle 's carotid artery . Blood spattered against the back wall , on the floor and dripped down the wall into a piano that sat below in the hallway . ( Oh , and just FYI , in my father 's version of this story , there is no watermelon and my uncle had the gun and basically killed himself , which is different from the story he told the Sheriff , who then had it reported to the newspaper . In that version , there is a picture of said watermelon ) . The next part , I can 't see so clearly . Did my father jump off the bed to go to my uncle 's aid ? Did he sit there in shock while my uncle bleed to death ? Or did he sit on the bed watching in fascinated enjoyment ? From an old clip in the newspaper , I learned that my father walked the mile to my great - aunt 's house for them to call for help . For the life of me , I can 't understand why he didn 't just call from my grandparent 's house . Surely if my great - aunt had a phone , my grandparents did as well . So , on Saturday 's I would eventually find my way up into the attic where I would stare at the map and the bloodstains that it didn 't cover . ( Family legend has it that my grandparents painted over the area many times and the paint would never cover the stains ) . Sometimes I would think about it and sometimes I just sat there in silence . On Sunday 's , my grandmother would pack up the Sunday meal that she 'd cooked all day on Saturday . She had this stackable metal plate carrier . There were about five plates in all , each about two or three inches deep . She 'd fill each one with something - corn , creamed potatoes , gravy , fried chicken , cornbread and cake . Then the whole thing would clasp together with a handle that ran from the bottom plate to the top lid . My grandfather would come into the kitchen and tote it out to the car while my grandmother would finish filling up a gallon jug filled with ice tea . Once all the food was packed , James and I would join my grandparents in the car and we 'd head off to the prison . In the early years , it wasn 't bad . My grandparents seemed to know everyone and everyone was quite friendly to them . An officer would take a fork and check out all the food to be sure there wasn 't any weapons in it and then he 'd hand it back to my grandmother . Sometimes , she 'd bake a pie or a cake to leave with the officers . After that , another officer would pat all four of us down . Usually , the officer would be someone who we knew and he would joke about how big James and I were getting . When we were signed in and the " call " had gone out for my father to come to the yard , the four of us would start the long journey across the red clay field to the yard . The yard was a fenced in area . There were picnic tables scattered all around and what I 'll call porches . I call them that because that 's sort of what they looked like , only there were several and they went on for a long way . On the porches were long wooden benches attached to the wall . In the winter , there were burn barrels for heat . Usually , my grandmother would start her preparations . From somewhere , she 'd pull out a red and white table - cloth which she used to cover the picnic table . From somewhere else , she 'd pull out plastic silverware , plastic plates and napkins . After the table was set , we 'd sit quietly waiting on my father to arrive . James and I were usually very quiet and still during these times as we watched other inmates arrive and meet their families . Once my father arrived , it was expected that I would go running up to him , jump in his arms and tell him how much I missed him . Then we 'd all sit down to pray . My grandfather usually did this and he would usually pray for a very long time . Finally , we 'd eat . No one talked very much during this time except for pleasantries - Dorothy and Sam just had their first child . A boy . They named him Sam Jr . Something of that nature . After we ate and things were properly packed back up , James and I were finally allowed to go and play . This consisted of a long walk around a sandy path to a small playground where there were usually some other children playing . This was a very strange type of play ground . There were other children playing , but usually only in the groups they came with . I can 't recall ever meeting , talking or playing with any other children except James . And in all my years as an inmate 's daughter , I 've usually felt like I was the only one . If there are others , I don 't know them , although I know they are out there . Maybe keeping it all in , like me . At some point , James would tell me it was time for us to go back . I don 't know how he knew , but he always got us back just as my grandmother was hugging my father goodbye . Each time , It wasn 't until I started school that I became aware of exactly what going to prison meant . For me , it was just something that we did . But I quickly learned that for other children , this was WAY outside the norm . At some point , I came to realize that this meant that my father had done something wrong and I had no idea what that wrong thing was . Was he in jail because he 'd killed his brother ? I simply didn 't know . It took a lot of courage for me to finally ask my mother about this . I could tell by the look on her face that she 'd been dreading the day she had to explain and here it was . She hadn 't done anything wrong and it was going to be up to her to shatter her daughter by telling her that her father " wasn 't no nice guy . " This next part of the story has taken me years to piece together . Immediately after my uncle 's death was ruled an accident , my father joined the Navy and off he went . For four years , he managed to do pretty well . There was one blemish on his record where he went AWOL . I vaguely remember my grandmother telling me that he did this when my sister died and the Navy wouldn 't let him come home . However , since his death , I have learned that his going AWOL happened prior to his meeting my mother . I have no idea why he went AWOL or the events surrounding this . He later met my mother while he was on leave , so I 'm guessing that whatever punishment he was given didn 't include kicking him out of the Navy and at some point , he re - enlisted . The romance between my parents seemed to go quite quickly from the time they met until the time they married . Just as soon as their honeymoon was over , my father was back on ship . It seems like it went this way for years . Out to sea for three months , in on leave for two weeks , out for six months , in for three weeks . At one point , my father was stationed in Cuba . Later , he was stationed in Charleston and my mother came to live with him . Prior to that , she stayed with my grandparents . While in Charleston , my father got into trouble . He spent a year in prison . While in prison , he was discharged from the Navy and at his release he came home to my grandparents . I was already almost a year old . It appears that he went to work right away and provided a living for my mother . They rented a house and saved up enough money to buy another . I have no idea how long they lived there before my father got in trouble again . This time for arson . My father was that guy . You know the one . The one that goes around setting fires to churches . Yeah , that guy . They eventually caught him and he went to " big " prison where he did a couple of years . Apparently , he could behave himself there , so they downgraded his status and sent him to a workcamp ( which I described above ) and finally gave him parole . I was eight years old . I remember going to a bank with my grandmother once . I couldn 't have been more than about four or five . There was a lady there , tall and well - dressed . She greeted my grandmother icily , only good manners prevented her from saying the things that it was clear , even to me at that age , she wanted to say . There was a certain terseness in her voice . She had her granddaughter with her and I distinctly remember her pulling the little girl behind her . I knew the girl . Had played with her a few times at church during Sunday school . I recall the lady turning to the girl and telling her she was not allowed to play with me ever again under any circumstances . A man walked up to her and asked her what she was " going on about . " She pointed at me and said , " Do you KNOW whose daughter that is . " The man looked over at me and then up at my grandmother . He pulled the woman and the girl in protectively and turned them toward the door to walk out . I remember looking up at my grandmother . If she had noticed the strangeness , there were no outward signs . She simply walked up to someone else and began chatting as if nothing had happened . Incidents like that one were common in my grandmother 's town . If it wasn 't the fact that I was an inmates 's daughter , it was my Indian blood , but it was always something . Each time an incident occurred , my grandmother didn 't react , but it affected me deeply . I grew to resent people like them , but my grandmother never did . If any one of them had some ill fall on them , my grandmother would bake a cake and be the first one there . She always acted like she couldn 't hear the whispers . After a while , people started saying that my grandmother was touched in the head and they whispered about that . My grandmother wasn 't touched and she DID hear them just the same as I did . She just chose to handle it differently . She once told me that it was just easier if they thought of her as simple . So outwardly , she gave them what they wanted . My grandmother was a wonderful person who loved her son . Her only crime was in believing that he was innocent every single time . I think it was the only way she could survive . She simply could not afford herself the luxury of believing anything else . It would have broken her . So every single time my father did something awful , my grandmother believed in him more . We should all be so lucky to have one person who believes in us that much . But it cost her and it cost all of us . ( I didn 't say having someone love you that much doesn 't come with consequences . ) Through the years , my father got arrested , did time , and got paroled for good behavior ( I know , astonishing ) . My mother never said unkind things about my father because she was fiercely loyal to my grandmother . To the point that there were times when I didn 't understand whose mother my grandmother actually was . And because my grandmother couldn 't believe anything bad , I never had a real avenue to finding out what was really going on . She was steadfast in believing that he was an excellent son and loved him dearly , above everybody else . And because I loved her , I wouldn 't ask questions . From time to time , I 'd hear things from classmates / family or see / hear things in the news , but there are never enough details to answer my questions . So , because of this , my defense mechanism was to avoid the topic of my father altogether or to get fighting mad . Oh yeah , I had lots of anger issues . There are always those who are interested in his story . Mostly family and they can be very pushy . At times , they 'd say things about my grandmother and there have been times when they 've made known questions that they have about my mother . I find it all offensive . I don 't mind when people are truly interested in his story and mean no malice ( and there is a difference ) , but it bothers me a lot when people question the motives of my mother or my grandmother . My mother married a man she fell in love with and she had two children . Then one day , she realized she wasn 't married to the man she thought she had married , so she got a divorce and moved on . My grandmother just simply loved her son . Since my father 's death , I 've received a lot of his papers that have completed some of the blank spots . One such blank spot was the time he served when he was still in the Navy ( for the record rape and burglary ) . At that time , my grandmother talked quite a few people in her church into writing letters in my father 's defense . Many , many people wrote letters asking that he be given leniency . To my surprise , the lady from the bank was one of them . I 've spent a lot of time over these last few weeks coming to terms with that . After my father came back and set churches on fire , I 'm guessing that lady might have felt used . I probably would have had I been in her shoes . During the years that my grandmother was ill , I tried very hard to establish a relationship with my father , because my grandmother asked me to . Each time , he 'd do something hurtful . Want an example ? Once , when I was 30 years old , he asked me to provide him with a DNA sample so that he could prove I was his daughter . This man never paid a dime in child support and believe me , being his kid was NOT a walk in the park . For him to ask this was a dig at my mother because he was guilty of cheating on her every chance he got . Want another ? When the doctor came in to tell us my grandmother died , my father jumped up out of his chair as if someone had just scored a touchdown . ( Asshole ) My father inherited my grandmother 's home . My cousins and I all knew he couldn 't be responsible to keep it . And he wasn 't . He moved back in with my grandmother several years before she died . There were others of us that would have taken care of her , but we couldn 't with him there . She told us that she was making the choice to have him . I wasn 't sure why , but I knew it wasn 't safe for the other members of my family to go there . I went often , but with the understanding that he would not be there while I was . He agreed and for the most part , keep to his word . After my grandmother died , he got remarried . During the years of this marriage , he made a lot of changes to the house , including putting a bathroom in my grandmother 's bedroom . He added a deck in a weird place which never looked quite right . After only ten years , the porch has completely fallen though and is dangerous to walk on . Since his death , I 've had a chance to talk to James . James was always my closest cousin on my father 's side . I remember one particular Sunday when he balked at going to the prison . My father had been home for about a year before doing something else and going back in . For whatever reason , he was sent to " big " prison again and this was a time when that prison was on the verge of riot and everybody knew it . James was torn because he wanted to protect me , but he flatly was not going to go and there was no changing his mind . During our conversation , I asked James about it . He began to talk about a particular Thanksgiving . I remember it vividly . Everybody was home . It was probably the first and only time that happened . The house was so happy and bursting with energy . The men all got up early that morning like they always did to go hunting . I was still happy that everybody was home , so I didn 't notice that during the meal there was a distinct shift in mood . After the meal , everybody started packing up and leaving . I knew it was a change , but had no idea why . Suddenly , the house with empty except for my grandparents and me . James told me that during the hunt , my father had pointed the gun directly at him and tried to shoot him . Another incident on Valentine 's Day that next year changed the course of my family altogether . After that , no one came to visit anymore and all of us lost touch . I never quite understood why . After my conversation with James , I finally understood the " Valentine 's Day " events and again I grieved the loss of my family . My heart sank as I thought about all those moments my father stole from all of us . All the Thanksgivings and Christmases that came after that we never got to have . When I received the call that he was gravely ill , I didn 't feel like I was " supposed " to feel . I can 't quite put my finger on the emotions , but grief wasn 't what I felt . A few hours later , he died , and I felt relieved . After his death , it was up to me to make decisions about what came next . The only thing I felt strongly about was NOT having a funeral . I can 't bear having strangers come and tell me what a wonderful person he was . I can 't stand the idea of having people ask questions about him or come for the curiosity show . When my immediate family questioned me , all I could think to tell them was " I don 't need a damn green bean casserole . " I just want to put him away quietly . At the proper time , those of us that need to be there will gather and we will have our moment . But I refuse to do it publicly . It 's been a couple of months now and I know there are things I keep putting off . Things I just have no interest in dealing with . I know I 'm not the only one because my closest relatives are finally calling each other and trying to figure out how to heal . I know I 'm not there yet because there are times when I still look over my shoulder , expecting my father to creep up on me like he 's done so many times in the past . Little by little , we will put all the pieces back together and maybe one day , I can talk about all this in real life . Sincerely thank you for stopping by and reading my blog . ~ PJ Posted in Plus Size Fashion One thought on " You Can 't Go Home Again " Pingback : Usta Was | PJ Cox Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . About Me ! Hey Ya 'll ! I 'm PJ . I am a plus - sized , happily married Southern Belle , with an interest in travel , fashion and photography . Join me on my journey to finding my true style . Pages Archive and Outfit Index
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Please enjoy your Christmas holiday for those of us that will be moving . . . in the snow . The " pod " that was supposed to be delivered ended up being a semi - truck trailer . Along with now having to take stuff up five feet into the trailer , the ramp it came with sucks . Instead of flat and wide , it is narrow and has cleats all over the place . The piano is too wide to get up the ramp . Not sure how we 're going to take it with us now unless I enlist and army of guys to lift it up . We went with U - Pack for the move and so far I 'm not impressed . We didn 't get floor - level box like I thought we would . Then , instead of dropping it off between 8 and noon ( which would have given us most of the day to load , pre - snow ) they didn 't show up until a little after 8pm . We loaded for about two hours but not near the amount we should have been able to load . Now it 's snowing . T - 11 days and counting until the big move . Today I sold our chickens to a nearby neighbor for $ 50 . She and her teenage daughter showed up at 07 : 30 this morning with three dog crates . It took us all of 20 minutes to catch all 12 . Once the girls were gone I began disassembling the coop . The coop had grown over the past 12 months into three editions . The original coop was a wooden coop like you buy at the local farm store . I added an eight foot dog kennel around it to give the girls more room to roam . Then I expanded it with T - posts and fencing wire for more leg room . At the end , I expanded once more to allow room for two garden hoop houses and I let the girls clear out all the weeds for me . So today I began taking it all down . My intent is to save as much as possible and take it to Idaho with us and start over . I 've learned a great deal about fortifying the coop at the ground level as well as when you need to cover the top to prevent flighty birds ( Bantams ! ) . Lucky spent a great deal of time scouting out the coop now that he FINALLY had access . He must have sniffed every single inch of that place today . He even ate some of the remaining layer feed . I used extra pieces of wood to serve as a rolling pin for the start of the fencing . I nailed the fencing to the board with poultry staples and rolled up the fence as tight as it would allow . This allowed me to minimize the amount of storage space the fencing would take up in the bed of Old Blue ( ' 81 Chevy truck ) . Worked out pretty well . Took me about four hours to take down the Bantys ' coop and the hoop garden area . It is all neatly rolled up and stored in the back of the truck now . I 've listed all my pallets and spare wood in the FREE section on CraigsList so I 'm sure it will be gone by tomorrow . Then all that will be left is the smaller coop surrounding the dog kennel . We 're at T - 13 days and counting to our big move to Idaho . One of the things on my list after we get settled in is to start our garden . I 'll have room in the garage to start seedlings and I 'm wondering , since we 'll be new to the state , what folks in the area are growing this time of year ? Of course , as we are getting ready for our move north , just about everything is breaking down on us . I 've repaired three vehicles in the past two weeks ( some more than once ) and finally got them in running condition to make the drive to Idaho . Then I noticed Lucky limping and took him to the Vet . They said he tore his ACL in his knee and will need surgery . Sis and Macky are finishing up their last week of homeschooling tests . Their stress levels are running pretty high . I don 't blame them . . . I always despised finals week in school . I finished my first semester in my Masters program with two A 's and one B . Not bad for an old man working full time . I have all the utilities set to be turned on when we arrive . We 've set up minimal Christmas decorations so that we don 't a lot to take down the week we move . But you have to have some Christmas cheer for the kids to enjoy so we picked up a tree from Home Depot and spent an evening decorating it with lights and ornaments . I am looking forward to NEXT Christmas when I can go crazy with the decorations like we used to do . Wifey has had tremendous fun coming up with fun and creative ways for Elf to cause mayhem around our house . He was once found in our refrigerator sitting next to a cup of pink milk . Barbie was sitting next to him as they apparently had a party . He had changed the regular milk pink with Hershey 's Strawberry Quick mix . Today , he was found on the kitchen floor near a large pile of flour . The flour had been spread out and he wrote in the flour " I brought snow from the North Pole ! " and he was lying in it making a snow angel . He has been found hanging from our kitchen ceiling fan , hiding on a branch in our Christmas tree and numerous other places . If you are interested in this wonderful family tradition , you can check out Elf on the Shelf here , which will take you to Amazon . You can read the many comments from folks who have bought one and see their ideas . I 'm sure Google and YouTube have tons of scenarios as well . If your budget won 't allow it this year , put the Elf on your Amazon Wish List for next year . Just a quick note that I removed the captcha code requirement to leave comments . Hopefully the spam squad doesn 't show back up again . Now , to go test it . . . Pa built a cabin up in northern Arizona many decades ago . He and Nanny would spend their summers up there to escape the grueling Phoenix heat . He started with a single - wide trailer and built on from there . It is a lovely place to retreat to on the weekends but it is only about 300 square feet or so . Our large family of eight have stuffed ourselves in there for a night but it was not the best night sleep I 've ever had . Nonetheless , Wifey and I are the keepers of the cabin and try to get up there once a year to rake up all the pine needles and such . With our latest move from The Valley to Flagstaff we haven 't had time to visit in over two years . A brief inspection was seriously past due so I headed over there this weekend with Sis for a spot check . Upon entering the cabin , which is usually pristinely clean inside , I knew something was awry . Pillow cushions were thrown about and pieces of trash were everywhere . The table lamp had been knocked to the floor and as I approached the kitchen sink , I noticed it contained something unusual . . . poop turds . Raccoon sized turds was my guess . As I continued to inspect the cabin , the critters had un - made the bed and pillows were in random places on the floor . Paper towel shreds were thrown about and bottles of cleaner on the floor . No major damage though so that was a blessing . Sis and I cleaned it up in about an hour . The corner of the chair cushion that was chewed up was not visible once it was placed back on the chair . The lamp shade is eaten beyond repair though . I secured the cabin by placing a large , heavy nightstand against the cabinet doors where I think they entered the cabin . There is one place at the back of the cabin where an electric cord runs from the electrical box up under the cabin and because of that thick gauge wire , there is an opening large enough for a critter to get under the cabin . It 's obvious now that there 's a pathway from under the kitchen sink to the undercarriage of the cabin . We have acquired a few cars ( 5 ) in the past year so I have to figure out how to get them and the Orange Jeep Dad trailer up to Idaho . We have the family van and the reliable daily commuter Jeep . Then there 's the old pickup truck I bought to help move stuff around . An older Volvo was given to us after the house fire and it became Sister 's first car . Then there 's the Suburban that we kept from the fire . The insurance company totaled it but I bought it back from them for $ 400 . It only need some rear light covers to be street legal again . Soon I 'll need to take it to the DMV to get it inspected and re - registered for the road . We move in less than 30 days so I have begun cleaning out the vehicles to make room for boxes . The more we can store in the cars , the less I 'll get charged for in the moving truck . The OJD trailer alone is going to hold a ton of stuff . I also began driving the vehicles around town as a test of their road - readiness . Today , the trusty 1981 Chevy pickup ( Old Blue ) died on me . There is a problem getting gas to the carburetor . I verified gas in the tank by siphoning gasoline out of the gas line by mouth ( yum ! ) . I used carburetor starter and was able to start the truck only to watch it stop running once the starter wore off so the engine runs . It actually purrs once I get it going . . . I just can 't keep it going . I also testing the fuel filter and it flows just fine . So , it is sitting in the mechanic 's parking lot as we speak . Hopefully it won 't take too much dinero to get her running smoothly . I 'd like to use Old Blue to pull another vehicle up to Idaho . As luck would have it , the heater is out in the family van . There 's no way THAT is going over well in Idaho so it will need to visit the mechanic next week too . The Suburban is still due to go BACK to the mechanic for the rear door handle . It was melted off from the heat of the house fire but was taking so long to be delivered that I took the Burb home for a good cleaning until it 's arrival . So , the Suburban will also be returning to the mechanic this week . The Jeep has a tail light out that I can 't figure out . I replaced the bulb and the doohicky that the bulb goes into but it still won 't work . I 've been pulled over once already for lack of a tail light ( got a warning . ) So , the Jeep will probably ALSO be going to the mechanic next week . On top of the cars and the packing , there 's still the chickens . To keep or not to keep , that is the question . I really don 't want to start all over again but what a huge stress off my shoulders if I don 't have to haul their butts 12 hours north in the back of Old Blue . Not to mention that there is no coop or pen established at our new homestead . They 'd have to stay cooped up in the back of Old Blue until I threw something together . We are moving via U - Pack pod this time . The " pod " will be dropped off in our front yard on December 23rd . We 'll have until December 30th to pack it up . That should be plenty of time but the logistics are going to be a nightmare . Once picked up , they ( the moving company ) have six BUSINESS DAYS to deliver it . We will potentially be without our " stuff " for up to nine days . We 'll pack necessities in our vehicles and probably end up camping in our new home for a week . Worst of all will be sleeping on the floor until our beds arrive . Opportunity is knocking again ! After 15 months in Flagstaff , I have been offered a job in southern Idaho . I certainly wasn 't actively looking but a gentleman in Nebraska ( whom I have never met ) somehow got ahold of my resume and called me . He 's what I call a Headhunter which is someone who finds jobs for people and makes money doing it . He asked if I had ever thought about living in Idaho . Unbeknownst to him , I chuckled . Of course I had ! Montana and Idaho were two parts of the American Redoubt that Wifey and I had dreamed of moving to and living our dream . How would I find the time to go 15 hours north for an interview though ? Turns out , the interview was only two hours north of where I go for school two times per semester . I just finished my first semester towards my Masters degree at Weber State University this month . When I found out it was only a short two hour drive from Ogden , Utah I agreed to set up an interview . A month later I was offered the job . Then I had to figure out where we were going to live . After the fruitless summer in Oklahoma trying to find a home for my large family , I was a little skeptical . I left on Friday at noon and arrived in small town Idaho around 2am . I spent the entire Saturday driving around looking at homes thanks to the efforts of two agents . As luck ( again ) would have it , there were two homes ( on acreage ) that would entertain a lease purchase for us . We finally short - sold our house in the Phoenix area just a few short weeks prior to the interview and my credit score is UGLY now to say the least . One of the two homes offered me a honey - of - a - deal which includes a 3 year 3 month lease to purchase with only $ 5 , 000 down . So , I gave my 30 day notice two days ago to my employer . It was really hard telling my staff of 55 employees . I love my job and the people I work with and it is really strange leaving a job that you like . But that fact doesn 't change that the past year has been the worst my family has ever seen for personal tragedies . The whole family wants a fresh start in a new town and I 'm going to provide that for them because they deserve it . We 'll be moving at the end of December . So , idaho . . . HERE WE COME ! Keep your AA or AAA battery powered devices fully charged anywhere . The Sunjack USB battery charger charges your Ni - Mh or Ni - Cd batteries from virtually any USB power source . Perfect for use with the Sunjack Portable USB Solar Charger and most other USB solar chargers . Works great with the Sunjack 8000mAh battery bank ( and most other USB battery banks ) - a fully charged 8000mAh Sunjack battery bank can charge up to 20 AA batteries . Works with most smartphone or tablet USB chargers . 1 year warranty . * Batteries are not included . Spec : 4 . 5 x 2 . 8 x 1 3 . 6 oz max input : 5V 500mAh Sarah took another drink trying to drown away her sorrow . It 's been a year to this day that she ended up there . The worst part was having to stay in the same town . The place where people used to know her . The place where people knew what happened to her , but continued to judge her . Doing exactly the opposite of what members were supposed to do . They were supposed to be there for her . They were supposed to be her rock , her comforters . Instead , they were more like the rock that tripped her and caused her to tumble over the edge . Sarah hated that town and everything it reminded her of . Just as her thoughts were starting to make the pain worse , the alcohol kicked in and she became intoxicated . She could hardly remember her aunt and uncle finding her and taking away the bottle of Jack Daniels . That was the millionth time they found her that way , but yet they still got all worked up and angry every time . You 'd think they 'd just expect it by now . They just didn 't understand how she felt . The pain and deep sorrow she was carrying with her with every step she took . Everyday was just a reminder of how she was alive and they weren 't . It was hard enough losing her entire family . Then she also lost herself which led to her losing her friends . Sarah became the most hated person at her almost all Mormon school . The only place she ended up fitting in was with the " bad " group of kids . They introduced her to a whole new world of things . They gave her things that took away the pain . The feeling of finally being somewhat happy was indescribable . She finally stopped caring about what she put into her body and was just looking for the sense of relief and painlessness that came with the stuff she was given . The more she did the more she felt the sensible Mormon girl leaving her . Everyone knew her as the ' Jack Mormon ' . They didn 't care about what she had been through . They only cared about what she was doing and who she 'd become . She used to be the good Mormon girl that would never swear and could never imagine breaking the Word of Wisdom . One day and one event was all it took for that to go away . She used to love The Lord and spend every day trying to be like Christ . Those feelings quickly turned into bitterness and anger on the day she lost everything . No one seemed to remember that she lost everything . They just remembered what they heard about her and gossiped about it to all their friends . Not even caring that inside it tore her apart . Not even realizing that it was making her want the things more and more just so she could drown out their words . She woke up with a pounding headache . It was normal . She grabbed a water bottle from her nightstand and opened up the bottle of Aspirin that was kept on the nightstand . She felt the contents of her stomach coming up and ran o the bathroom where she threw up everything she 'd eaten in the past day . She stumbled down the stairs and the lights blinded her as she came into the kitchen . " We 're going to church if you 'd like to come . " My aunt asked sounded hopeful . " Never going to happen . I 'm sure I would look great walking into church with a clear hangover . " Sarah said sarcastically . " Sarah , it 's been a year . I think a year is enough time to recover . " " You think so ? What would you know ? You have both of your parents , all your siblings , and even your children . My mom was Steven 's sister not yours . You only saw her on holidays . You barely knew my family . I lived with them for seventeen years . They raised me and I raised them . We grew up together . We loved each other . I lost them all . Not just my mom or my dad or Ricky or Jeanie . I lost all of them . You have no idea what that feels like . You 've never felt the crushing and dropping of your heart as you wake up in a hospital only to be told that your whole family is dead . They all died , but as some form of hell you survived . Every day did . " She said coldly . Steven came into the kitchen with the kids and saw his wife crying . " Sarah , what did you say ? Mel , what did she say ? " He asked his niece harshly , but asked his wife kindly . " You 're right , maybe I don 't understand what you 're going through . We 're all here for you . I wish you would understand that . You don 't have to live life this way . You can go back to the carefree , loving girl that used to can you do to help ? I feel like I 've tried everything I can . Nothing would get rid of these stupid feelings except for the alcohol . I can 't live with these feelings . They are making me crazy and I am literally going insane . I am doing whatever it takes to make it stop . If that means doing something bad then so be it . It is worth it for the temporary feeling of happiness . " She said with a voice that sounded broken even to her own ears . " We can try some other things . We can get you help . " Steven told me earnestly . " I 'm done with being let down . I 've lost the hope of finding something that can help . I 'm okay with where I 'm at right now . I feel kind of peaceful with where I 'm at . I just want to enjoy that before God rips that away from me too . " " Sweetie , God didn 't rip anything away from you . Is that how you feel ? Is that why you 've fallen away and won 't go to church ? " " God decides what happens in this world . If he doesn 't want something to happen it won 't happen . If he wants something to happen it will happen . He wanted to take my family away from me . He wanted me to die inside and That is most certainly not what God would want . He loves you and wants what 's best for you . The accident was just a test that was supposed to make you stronger and draw you closer to Him . " " See , even you 're saying it was His plan to kill my family . If he wanted me closer than he really failed . He only pushed me away . Go have fun learning the lies they feed you at church . You better hurry or you 'll miss the liar - I mean the first speaker . " She walked off to her room angrier than before . That was the most heart to heart conversation she 'd had with them since she moved in . She searched their room for her bottle of alcohol , but never found it . She slammed her door shut causing a sheet to fall off the wall that was covering a picture . The sheet fell revealing a family photo that was taken only a couple months before the accident . Tears spilled down her cheeks as she ripped the picture from the wall and threw it across the room . She heard it hit the floor and shatter , but it just seemed like background noise . Her heart pounded and here breathing became fast and shallow . She felt claustrophobic in her room and her vision went blurry . She realized she was having a panic attack from the memories of the accident flooding into her mind . She ran out of her room and out of her house . She didn 't pay attention to where she as going . She just wanted to get as far away from that house as possible . a grip Sarah . " She told herself coldly . " No one cares if you cry or if you don 't cry . Actually no one cares about you at all . That 's why they talk about you all the time . Everyone wants you gone even Mel and Steve . as she told herself she didn 't matter and no one would care if she was crying or not . Still being a bit upset she didn 't pay attention as she crossed the road . She didn 't even notice the car coming at her until it hit her roughly in the side knocking her on the ground , but not running her over . " Are you all right ? I didn 't kill you right ? Can you stand ? Oh my gosh I killed someone . I 'm going to jail for murder . " A male voice said in a very panicked tone . " Quit once you do you 'll realize you should have run me over and then backed over me to make sure I 'm dead . " " How could you say that ? I 'm sure no one here feels that way . " He said as he helped me stand . " Okay , then you obviously aren 't from around here then . Don 't worry you 'll hear about me soon enough and hate me like all the rest of them . " " I wouldn 't do that . " " Oh right , you 're one of those goody two shoes Mormon boys . Well , just you wait you 'll turn against me . I 'm sure kids will tell you all about me , but won 't mention the accident . You may not even hear my real name ; they all just call me Jack . Anyway , that 's enough talking . I 'm sorry you didn 't kill me . Now , the others might be mad . I hope you don 't have to see me again . " I started to walk off , but he followed me . " Wait , you can 't just walk home . I hit you with my car . Let me at least drive you home . " " I 'd rather not get into a car with a stranger . Let alone a stranger that hit me with their car . " She said without even turning around . " Let me walk you home . I don 't want you to suddenly collapse since I hit you . " " I 'm fine . " She just continued walking and pretended that she couldn 't hear his footsteps behind her . His footsteps followed her for the two blocks it took to get home . He didn 't say anything or even acknowledge that he was following her . When they reached her house his footsteps followed her all the way to the door . " Okay I 'm home and I 'm fine . Now leave or Steve and Mel will see you . " The door opened and she sighed . " Too late . " " Sarah , what are you doing ? We were worried about you . Did you skip church to go meet up with some boy ? Are you pregnant ? " Steven asked with a hint of haven 't been to church in a year . I 'm not skipping I 'm just not going anymore . Whether or not I was with a boy doesn 't matter . For all you know he hit me with his car then insisted to follow me home . " " You hit my niece with your car ? " He stared straight at the boy who followed me home . " It my way home . I was paying too much attention to my GPS and not the road . I am sincerely sorry . " " What 's your name son ? Are you a member ? Most people around here are and you act like one . " " Jeremy , sir , and yes I 'm a member of the church . " " Jeremy Thorn ? " " Yeah , how did you know ? " " I went to college with your dad Marcus . He told me he was moving here some time ago . Invite your family to dinner for me tomorrow night . It 'll be like a welcome to the neighborhood dinner . " " I 'll make sure to tell them that . I am really sorry about hitting your niece . If I hurt her at all maybe you can give her a blessing to help . " " No . " Sarah said sternly trying to control her emotions . She remembered her dad giving her a blessing when she was really scared for the new year at school , when they first moved up here , when she broke her arm in middle school , and countless other times . Tears were coming to her eyes again as she pushed her way past Steven and quickly walked to her room . She shut the door forcefully behind her collapsing against it . She pulled her knees to her chest as she tried not to think of her family . It was times like these where she would put the bottle of Jack to good use . She didn 't know what else to do . She still wasn 't able to control all her emotions after a year of having to deal with them . She got into bed and forced herself to sleep . When she was asleep everything was peaceful . Sleeping was the only good escape she had from her problems . Everyone murmured and pointed at her as she walked down the hallway . She wanted to punch them all . Sarah only walked to her circle of people . She never called them her friends because technically they weren 't . They would just supply her with the things she couldn 't get on her own . They wore black clothing , heavy makeup , and had at least three piercings each . " Can I get another bottle ? " She asked the somewhat leader of the group , Thalia . " You went through a whole bottle already ? " She asked flatly . " They took it away again . I can 't find it . " She just laughed at me . " Fine . I can get you another bottle . I 'll bring it by tonight . " The day wore on and she didn 't pay much attention in her classes . She was smart enough to pass the tests even if she didn 't listen in class . As usual she sat alone in the back of the classroom . No one dared to sit next to her . She was the scary ; Jack Mormon that would kill you if you even dared to look at her . At least that 's how everyone else saw her . It tore her apart aknow , I don 't believe the things people say about you . I don 't think you 're a druggie and I 'm sure you don 't drink either . I think they made it all up . " " You 're an idiot if you actually believe what just came out of your mouth . " " So , the rumors are true then ? " " No , if course not . I 'm a perfect little angel . " She said sarcastically . " There 's no way you are a druggie . How would you even get ahold of drugs ? " " I have connections . " " What happened ? I know you used to be a Mormon , a very good one if my sources are right . They say you suddenly just went bad . " She scoffed . " Of course they told you that . I told you they would say I suddenly went bad and won 't even bother to tell about what happened . They all just pretend it didn 't happen so I look worse . Mormons are supposed to be good people , but the ones here are just jerks . " " What happened that they don 't talk about ? " " I don 't talk about it . It 's not something I 'd like to relive . " " If everyone could remember what happened maybe they wouldn 't be so cruel to you . " " No . They all know what happened . They are choosing to act this way knowing full well what happened and how much it affected me . You can 't just lose everything and expect someone to recover . It won 't happen . People feed you those lies ; it 's going to be okay , things will get better , and the famous God will help you through this . It hard enough to go through something like that , but people didn 't have to feed me those false hopes . It just made everything harder . " She started talking without even realizing what she was saying . She forgot there were people around and it felt like she was alone . She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn 't hear Jeremy calling her name . " Sarah . " He said loud enough to catch the whole room 's attention . She snapped out of my thoughts and noticed everyone staring at her . She glared at them and they all quickly looked away . She just smiled smugly to herself . " God will help you through things . " " No , he causes bad things to happen then leaves you out to dry . " " No matter what happens and no matter what you do God is always with you . He doesn 't want you to be unhappy . He wants you to grow stronger from this , learn to put more trust in Him , and to strengthen your testimony . " " I could only ever wish that that was true . " Sarah said honestly . " I know it is . " She just shook her head . He didn 't understand . She didn 't think he had ever been through anything hard . She hoped he hadn 't been through anything as hard her . She didn 't want to ruin his faith or anything , but she knew that stuff wasn 't true . She wasn 't going to stop him from believing that . She certainly didn 't want to be there when he realized the truth . She didn 't want to see the same broken eyes she 'd seen in the mirror when she realized the truth . The doorbell rang and Sarah groaned . She didn 't want to see Jeremy again . After third period he sat next to her again at lunch , in fifth period , and in sixth . She was ready to smack him . He kept asking her questions . Questions she didn 't want to answer . She went downstairs in hopes of sneaking out and getting out of the ridiculous dinner . She stealthily made her way down stairs and was halfway out the door before she felt of hand on her shoulder . Her shoulders slumped as she turned around to see Steven . " You are not sneaking out to go drink or party . You are staying here and having dinner with us and the Thorns . " He ordered as he proceeded to drag me into the dining room . She sat down angrily in a chair as Jeremy decided to sit next to her . " Move . " She ordered . " Actually , I think I like this spot . " " You followed me around all day school you can at least leave me alone at dinner . " " Nah , this chair is more comfy than the other one . " She knew they were the exact same chair . " Jeremy , move . " " Not going to happen . " " Okay who wants to bless the food ? " Steven asked and Sarah groaned . " Really ? Non Mormon present . " She pointed out . " Oh Kylee you want to say it ? Thank you sweetie . " He said to eldest of his three children . She prayed as Sarah tried not to remember the countless times her family had done the same thing . " Something bothering you ? " Jeremy whispered to her as he piled food on his plate . " Yeah , you . " She covered up for the mistake of letting her emotions show . He sighed , but didn 't say anything more . She gathered food on her plate and tried to eat quickly without looking like a pig . Everyone exchanged pleasant conversations at the table as Sarah focused on trying to finish her food . She finished just as the doorbell rang . " I 'm done eating , so I 'll get it . You guys can keep talking . " She got out of my seat and speed walked to the door . She opened it and saw the bottle of Jack Thalia promised her on the doorstep . She stepped outside , shutting the door behind her before picking up the bottle and taking a nice long drink . She felt good having the alcohol in her system again . She opened the door and saw Jeremy standing there . " What do have in your hand ? " He asked . " Nothing concerns you . " She said as she started toward her room . " I 'm not going to leave you alone until you tell me what it is . " " I don 't care . Soon I 'll be too buzzed to even be bothered by you . " She took another drink as she reached the top of the stairs and headed down the hallway to her room . " Why are you doing this to yourself ? " He asked her quietly as he waited for something , some kind of sign that He was listening to me and understood how much I was hurting . I got nothing . Those weeks were the loneliest weeks of my life . I didn 't want to give up hope . I had so much faith back then . I loved the Lord more than anything . He abandoned me when I needed him most . He 's not supposed to do that . When I finally realized that he wasn 't going to be there for me , I gave up hope . I tried so hard to stay strong . I really did . " She whispered as her eyes glistened with tears . " After so long I just couldn 't take it anymore . I lost all hope and became this . " She took another long drink . " I can help you . I can help you get your faith back . I can show you all the blessings you have . I can show you that God didn 't do anything to you on purpose . " " I feel like it doesn 't matter anymore . It 's not like anyone cares about me anyway . You 've seen the way the kids at school act towards me . I mean nothing . I hate what they do . I pretend like it doesn 't bother me , but it kills me . I won 't admit that to anyone though . They were supposed to be there for me when it happened . Instead they turned their backs and were too upset with their own pathetic problems to help me . Maybe if someone had shown some sympathy to me then , I wouldn 't be where I am now . I thought Mormons were supposed to be good . I was good and nice to everyone . I helped others when they needed it . Why wouldn 't they ? Mormons aren 't supposed to treat people this way . Why do they all hate me so much ? " She asked as she leaned against his chest . Something she wouldn 't have done had she been sober . She took another drink wanting to feel even less . " Not all Mormons are nice . I agree that they shouldn 't treat you that way . I 'll stand up for you okay ? I won 't be like the others . I 'll help you get better , I promise . " " Don 't make promises you can 't keep . Even if I went back , I 've done bad things . God would never forgive me . " She slumped against the floor completely drunk , but still sipping on the bottle . " No , God will forgive you for anything . I promise you that . No matter how bad you mess up He will always forgive you . " He said sitting down next to her . She put her head against his shoulder sighing heavily . " I wish I was still like you , so carefree and happy . That stupid day changed everything . If I could go back , I would change it so I would die . Let someone else live this life of pain . It 's just so hard . Waking up every day just to be reminded that you survived and they didn 't . Having to live the rest of your life without the ones you loved the most . Knowing they won 't be there to see me graduate , get married , have kids , or anything else . I won 't get to see my little sister grow up , or my older brother go on his mission . If there 's Heaven on Earth , then this must be Hell on Earth . " I don 't like the drunk you . You 're too sad . I like you better when you 're acting like you hate me . " " I don 't hate you . " She said as she took another drink . " Okay , I think you 've had more than enough of that . " He took the bottle out of her hand , but she was too drunk to care . " I don 't really hate you . It 's just . . . jealousy I guess . " " Why would you be jealous of me ? You don 't even really know me . " " I know you 're happy . Happier than I could ever be . You have a family . That is something I know I could never have . Life is too hard . " She decided as she felt some tears roll down her cheeks . " Hey , " Jeremy said softly kneeling in front of her and wiping away her tears . " Don 't cry . I 'm not going to lie to you and say everything is okay because I can tell it 's not . I will tell you that everything will be okay . It may not be now , but it will be . " She stumbled to her feet and Jeremy had to steady her . She liked the comforting feeling she got as he held onto her . She felt compelled to hug him so she did . She stumbled forward and put her arms loosely around him . He put his arms further around her and she melted into him . Suddenly , he sighed and let her go . " You 're drunk , Sarah , go to bed . " " I 'm not tired . " " You need to sleep this off . " " I don 't want to . Then I 'll be able to feel again . I don 't want to feel . " " I know you 're tired . Just go to bed . " Sarah was too drunk to put up a fight . She changed her clothes in the bathroom and got into bed . She laid there waiting for sleep to overcome her . As she drifted off to sleep she felt a pair of lips touch her forehead . She smiled for the first time in a while as she fell asleep . Jeremy lightly kissed her forehead before leaving her room . He knew he technically wasn 't supposed to be alone with a girl , but he felt that this was different . He needed her alone so she would open up and allow him to be able to help her . He entered the dining room his head swimming with thoughts about what she had told him . Everyone stared at him and he could tell they were wondering about why he was gone for so long . " Sarah has a really bad headache so I told to lie down for a moment . The bottle of Advil she had was empty . Can I get some for her ? " He lied to them . It felt wrong , but he didn 't want them to know the truth . It was somewhat true ; she was going to wake up with a bad hangover . " Of course follow me . " Steven led him to the kitchen . He opened up a cabinet and grabbed a bottle . He took out a couple pills and handed them to him before putting the bottle back and grabbing a bottle of water . " Is she drunk ? " Steven asked me . " No she 's probably asleep by now . " He wasn 't technically lying . " Why were up there for so long ? " " We were talking . " " Talking ? What did you talk about ? " " I don 't think she 'd want me to share that . " His eyes widened . " She actually talked to you ? Did she express how she 's feeling ? I want to help her so badly , but she won 't open up to me . I don 't what to do , but pray for her . " " We talked about how she 's feeling . I want to help her too . Everyone else at school is so mean . I don 't want to be like that . " " She told you about what happened didn 't she ? " " I only know that her family is dead , but nothing else . " " Okay , then she 's definitely drunk . She would never tell someone that willingly . " " Don 't do anything about it for now . I don 't know why , but I feel like I can really help her . I don 't even really know her , but I feel like I was meant to be here . To be here for her . " " If you are the answer to my prayers then be my guest . Please , do anything you can to help her . I can 't stand seeing her like this . " " I 'm going to do everything I can . " He nodded and composed himself before going back out into the dining room . Jeremy took the water and pills up to her room and set them on her nightstand . He grabbed the bottle she had been drinking out of and hid it in her closet behind some clothes . He found a piece of paper and wrote her a quick note before leaving . Sarah , Take the pills on your nightstand . I hid the bottle in your closet . Don 't worry I didn 't tell anyone . Jeremy Everyone talked happily at the table , but he wasn 't in it anymore . He heard all the things at school about her . The warnings to stay away and that she was trouble . Everyone was more than willing to tell him all the bad things about her . How she was into drugs , wild parties , and excessive amounts of alcohol . No one bothered to mention that she lost her whole family . That qualifies as a hard time . He could see why she felt the way she did and acted the way she did . Not that the way she was acting was okay , but it was understandable . He knew exactly where she was coming from . A pounding headache greeted Sarah as she woke up . The lights blinded her as she tried to open her eyes , but she soon dismissed that when she saw the water and pills on her nightstand . She gratefully took them as she wondered who put them there . She hoped it hadn 't been Steven or Mel . They would have taken her bottle . As she set the water bottle back on her nightstand she saw a small piece of paper . She read the note before crumpling it up and throwing it away . She didn 't need his help . He was intruding . She was just fine . She looked in her closet where he said he put her Jack and was surprised to find that it was there . She took a small sip to start her day . She wasn 't completely wasted last night so she remembered what happened . She swore loudly not caring if anyone heard . She couldn 't believe she had almost told him everything . She hoped she wouldn 't have to see him once she got to school . As she got to her locker , she saw him standing there . How he even knew where her locker was , was beyond her . She ignored him as she got into her locker and he got into the locker next to hers . She groaned . " Are you okay ? " He asked . " Seriously , out of all the lockers in this stupid school you got the one next to mine . " " Now , I can see you every morning to help you . " " I don 't need nor want your help . " " Last night - " " Last night I was drunk . I didn 't know what I was saying . I don 't need your help anyway . I am just fine with where I 'm at . " " No you 're not . I know you were drunk yesterday , but I could tell that it just brought out your true emotion . I know inside you don 't like where you are and you want help . " She slammed her some vulnerable girl who secretly hates her life . I am who you see . Just leave me alone . " She snapped . " I just want to help . " " I don 't need your help ! God , can 't you take a hint ! " She stormed off , but not without noticing all the stares she was getting . She ditched first hour and went to the back of the campus that was covered by trees . She took out the small flask she kept in her backpack and drank it dry . The familiar feeling of being lightheaded washed over her and she felt like she was floating . She laid back against the tree and relaxed forgetting the world and just enjoyed the feeling of not feeling . She saw a figure approaching her , but with the alcohol in her system she couldn 't focus enough to tell who it was . " I didn 't see you in class . I was worried about you . " The familiar voice of Jeremy filled her ears . " What are you doing here ? " " I was just worried about you when you didn 't show up for class . " " Why ? " " I thought something might have happened to you . " " Why do you care ? No one else cares , what makes you so different . " " You told me how much it hurt you to have everyone ridicule you . I don 't want to be one of those people . I 'm better than that , and I know you 're better than what they say . " " Why do you even still think that ? You 've seen me do the things they talk about . You should just join them and be done . " " I 'm not going to . What they 're doing isn 't right and they shouldn 't be treating you this way . " " They shouldn 't , but they are . Look , I appreciate you being all noble and wanting to be my friend , but you can just drop the act . It 's not that big of a deal if one more person joins their side . " " I 'm not acting . I 'm not going to join their side . No matter who they are bullying I wouldn 't stand with them . " " You 're ruining your whole reputation just by talking to me and siting with me in class . You need to stop . " " Do think I care about my reputation ? I would rather be kind to a friend than be popular . When it comes down to it , God won 't care how popular I was in school . He will care if I didn 't help a friend I knew was in need of help . Whether you know it or not , you need help . You want help and friends . I know you do . All you have to do is let me help you . " " You don 't want to help me . You might think you want to , but once you realize how much of a mess I am you won 't want to anymore . I 'll lie and tell you it 's okay , but it won 't be . I 'll be even worse than before you came . I 've lost enough people in my life I 'm not fond of losing more . " " I won 't just leave you . " " Why can 't you see that that 's not true ? Everyone leaves me . Everyone gives up trying . Even my own family . " That last part just kind of slipped out , but it was too late to take it back . " Why can 't you see that I want to help you ? " He asked softly kneeling in front of her . " Not everyone in this world is as bad as you think . If you let me help you , I promise I won 't leave you . " The sincerity in his voice made her choke on her words . " Why do you want to help me ? I don 't see anything in it for you . Why would you want to do this so willingly ? " " I don 't care if there 's nothing in it for me . I don 't want to look back and regret not helping you . I don 't care if everyone hates me for being kind to you . What happens to me doesn 't matter . I just want to help you , that 's what matters . " " I 'm unfixable , Jeremy . Besides , even if you could fix me it 's not like God would forgive me anyway . I 've done bad things . Everyone hates me for them so why wouldn 't God ? " She whispered . " No , that 's not true . Don 't ever think that 's true . God will always forgive his children . That 's why he sacrificed his only son for us . You are fixable and you are always forgivable . Don 't you ever think anything other that . " " You 're too nice for your own good Jeremy . " " I should probably take you home . I don 't really want you going back to class . " " I 'm fine I can go back to class . " " Really ? Do you really think you 're okay ? Anyone with eyes can tell that you are not okay . " He countered as they walked toward the school parking lot . " I don 't think anyone can tell . If they did they wouldn 't treat me like I 'm a worthless piece if trash . " " I can tell . " He said simply before getting into his truck . She smiled bitter sweetly at the car . Her dad had had one just like it when she was a kid . It got her thinking about all the late night trips they had made to go get candy or food . " I think that 's the first time I 've seen you smile . You should smile more , you have a beautiful smile . " " My dad had a truck just like this when I was kid . " " What was your dad like ? " He cautiously asked . " He was one of those cool dads . We 'd go out at midnight and go to Sonic for soda or ice cream . He would scare the crap out of guys when they came by to take me out just to laugh at them when they got scared . Everyone loved him . He was just so easy going and so easy to talk to . No one disliked him . He was too good of a guy to dislike . He always knew what to do . He gave the best advice . He was such a good guy I don 't see why he had to go . " She willingly told him . It felt good to finally let some information out . " Your dad sounds wonderful . I wish I could 've met him . He raised a beautiful daughter . I know he would want the best for you . He would want you to be happy . He wouldn 't want you living this way . He would want you to love your Heavenly Father and live a happy life full of wonderful memories . He wouldn 't want you to have this kind of life . A father always wants what 's best for his daughter . He wouldn 't want you to be this way . He would want you live on without him and be happy . " Tears filled her eyes as she choked back a sob . " How can I be happy ? I lost my entire family . My mom , my dad , my brother , and my little sister . I survived that accident and none of out there like your family . You only get one family , and if you lose them you don 't get another one . I will never get to harass the girls that mess with my brother or the boys that mess with my little sister . How do I deal with it Jeremy ? If you can tell me , then by all means go ahead . I can 't take this anymore . It 's literally tearing me apart . I 'm going insane . " " You can 't live in the past , Sarah . You have to move on and live life while you still can . I 'm willing to do anything I can to help you . " " I 'm not going to stop you from trying to help me . If you are in this then you 're in this . I will not have you leave me . Tell me one of your biggest secrets and I 'll trust that you won 't leave . " " How will that make you trust me ? " " If you ever do leave then I can just tell everyone your secret and then we 're even . You get public humiliation and I get emotional scarring . Not exactly on the same level but good enough for me . " " I won 't just ditch you , but I 'll tell you something anyway . I had a seventeen year old girlfriend when I was only fifteen . That got me a lot of crap at church . I had to talk with the bishop and discuss the things I 'd done with her and it was extremely awkward . I was forced to break up with her and she hated me after that . I got crap about it for at least a year after it happened . " " Really ? That 's the worst you 've done ? You look like a saint compared to me . I guess it 'll work since it would still ruin your social status here . That is if it isn 't already ruined by talking to me . " " Are you going to be okay here ? " He asked as they pulled up to Sarah 's somewhat house . " Yeah , I 'll just slip into my room and hope I don 't get caught . " " My house is always open if you need me . Let me give you my number . " She handed him her phone and he quickly typed in his number . " Call me if you ever need anything . I don 't care what time it is , if it 's you calling I 'll answer . I want you to know you have someone here for you . I want you to know that your family didn 't give up on you . Your aunt and uncle care about you more than you know . They hate seeing you this way . It 's tearing them apart to see how broken and hurt you are . I want to help get rid of the broken feeling inside of you . It 'll help you and the family around you . Whether you know or not , they love and care about you . Seeing you this hurt , hurts them too . " " Why would it ? It 's my life that 's messed up , not theirs . " " They lost family members too in that accident . The lost their niece , nephew , sister , and brother . All they have left is you . They are slowly losing you too . " " They aren 't losing me . I 'm still here . " " Are you really here , Sarah ? Yeah , you 're physically here , but I don 't think you 're mentally here . Your mind is stuck in the past even though your body is moving forward . Why would you is the present better ? In the present I don 't have a family . In the present everyone hates me . In the past I had a family and I had friends . Why would I want to live in the present when my past seems better ? " " The present can get better . " " Okay Mr . Prince Charming , whatever you say . " " I noticed you 've been hanging out with the Jack lately . I know you 're new here , so I know you don 't know how bad a person she is . I just want to warn you how bad of a person she is and that you really should stay away . She 's not someone we should associate with . " A girl Jeremy had never met decided to voice her opinion . " Why shouldn 't I associate with her ? " Jeremy asked as if he was genuinely curious . " She 's not a good person . She 's not like us . " The girl seemed to be satisfied that he was interested in what she was saying . " What are we like ? As far as I can tell everyone here is rude to her for no reason . " " We 're Mormon , Jeremy . We 're good people . She isn 't a good person . She 's into bad things . " " She 's Mormon too . Sure , she fell away , but she could be brought back . It 's people like you pushing her away that makes her not want to some back . There 's no reason to hate someone just because they sin differently than you . " She opened and closed her mouth like a fish . To be honest , she looked stupid . " Bye . " He said rudely opening his locker to block her from his vision . She left , but not before glaring at me and Sarah as she walked up . Sarah didn 't say anything as she opened up her locker and got some things out . " You heard that didn 't you ? " He asked . " Doesn 't matter . It 's not like it isn 't anything I haven 't heard before . " " It does matter . They should know better . They should know not to treat people like they 're worthless . " " When are you going to get your head out of the clouds , Jeremy ? Can you not see that they don 't care ? There 's a chance they don 't realize what they 're doing , but that 's slim . Maybe where you come from Mormons are nice and do care for each other , but not here . The sooner you get that through your head the better . " Sarah stormed off to her first class just wanting to get away from him . She didn 't want to have to tell him that the religion his spent so much time practicing and loving wasn 't as great as he thought it was . She didn 't want him to know that not everyone is as great as they act at church . If he could have a happy life believing all was great with the world and everyone acts like the church tells them they should , why should she change that ? How could she take that away from him ? " Would you do me favor ? " Jeremy asked as he sat next to her in third period . " That depends on what the favor is . Before you ask I refuse to go to church , talk to the missionaries , go to mutual , or go to seminary . " " I just want you to read a talk . " " You want me to read a talk ? A church talk ? " " Yeah , I think it could help you understand things better . " " Whatever you say . " " Will you read the talk ? " " Who 's it by ? " " Henry B . Eyring . " " He was my dad 's favorite . " She spoke quietly not looking at him . She sighed . " Okay , fine . What talk is it ? " Jeremy pulled a small stack of papers from his bag and handed it to her . " It 's called ' In the Strength of the Lord ' . " Sarah stared at the small stack of paper . The familiar layout of the paper made her remember countless church lessons and family home evenings . The familiar face of Elder Eyring made her remember watching General Conference with her family throughout her life . The talk Jeremy gave her made her backpack feel fifty times heavier . The talk seemed to be burning a hole in her bag and taking over her mind . The normally peaceful walk home was filled with thoughts about the talk . She wondered what it was about and wondered why she even agreed to read it . She really just wanted to rip it up and forget about it , but for some reason she couldn 't . She distractedly walked into the house and to her room . She set her bag down and tried to forget about its contents . After purposely avoiding She read it and thought about everything that was being said . A familiar feeling washed over her as she read it . A feeling she hadn 't felt in such a long time that she almost didn 't believe it . It was close to midnight , but she texted Jeremy and him she 'd read it anyway . He called her only minutes after she sent it . " Hi Jeremy . " She answered . " You read it ? " He asked sleepily . " Yes . It 's late and I know you 're tired , so we can talk about it tomorrow . " " No , I 'm not tired . We can talk about it now . What did you think ? " " I 'm not really sure what to think . " " Did a certain line stand out to you at all ? " " Look , I read the stupid talk like you asked . If I had known it would include a discussion I wouldn 't have agreed . " " Okay , sorry . I 'm just glad you read it . If you ever do want to talk about it sometime , just call me . " " Don 't tell anyone about this , please . " " I won 't tell anyone . " " Thank you . I 'll see you at school tomorrow . " " Yeah , I 'll see you tomorrow . " She still had the same feeling even after she had hung up and gotten in bed . Honestly , she loved the feeling and didn 't really want it to go away . Jeremy He knew she felt something . He could hear it in her voice . He just hoped it had been enough to get her interested in the church again . Sarah awoke with puffy eyes that stung . She had cried herself to sleep after getting off the phone with Jeremy . She didn 't expect the talk to mean anything to her or to give that feeling again . In all reality she hadn 't expected to ever feel that feeling ever again . Feeling the overwhelming urge to do so , she read the talk again before she got ready . Once again it brought tears to her eyes . She got ready hoping the puffiness and redness of her eyes would go away . As she went downstairs for breakfast it still hadn 't gone away . " Sarah , why are your eyes red ? " Mel asked clearly angry . " I swear if you have been doing drugs as well - " " I wasn 't doing drugs . " She interrupted , sick of her voice . " Then why are your eyes red ? " She ignored her and ate her cereal . Steven decided that then was a good time to enter the kitchen . " Steve , her eyes are red . I think she 'd been doing drugs . " Mel immediately told him . " Have you been doing drugs ? " He asked with anger . " My eyes are not red because I was doing drugs . " " Then why are they red ? " She ignored their questions again and continued to eat her cereal . " Sarah you will answer me this instant or I will kick you out and you 're not allowed to come back until after school ! " Steven yelled . He never yelled at me . " I was crying okay ? ! I was crying ! Don 't bother kicking me out . I 'm leaving . " She grabbed her backpack and left the house ignoring their calls . She slammed the door behind her . Tears came to her eyes again and she slapped herself hard . " Get a grip . You should know by now that they hate you . Stop crying like a baby . You 're not a child anymore . " " Sarah . You okay ? " Jeremy asked as he pulled up next to her . " I 'm fine . " " I can give you a ride to school if you 'd like ? " " Sure . " She wasn 't in the mood to argue and she really wanted to get away from that house . They rode in silence for a moment before Sarah got the courage to ask him a question . " Would you mind if I came over to your house after school ? " She did not want to go and see Mel and Steven . " Yeah , I don 't think my parents would mind . Is there a reason you want to come over ? " " It 's not about the talk if that 's what you 're thinking . I just … I have an issue with Steve and Mel right now . " " Want to talk about it ? " " They just accused me of something without any evidence . I guess I should be used to that by now , everyone thinks I do drugs . It just hurt coming from them . " " I knew you weren 't as bad as everyone says you are . " " I never said I hadn 't tried them . Thanks for the ride . " She hopped out of the car and made her way into the school . " I their way to his house . " It 's no problem . " " Who 's this ? " Jeremy 's mom asked as they walked in the door together . " This is Sarah . She lives with Steve and Mel . " " Oh , that 's right . It 's good to see you again . " She didn 't look happy , but Sarah was used to people not liking her . Not that it made it any easier . " It 's good to see you again as well . " Jeremy took Sarah to the living and they sat on the couch . " Want to watch a movie and do some homework ? " " I 'm up for a movie . " " How does Red Dawn sound ? ' " Depends . Is it the new one with Chris Hemsworth ? " " Yes . " " I 'm in . " He intently and Sarah couldn 't help but laugh at the bleeped curse words . " Of course you would have the clean version . " " I 'm not the one who bought it . " " Don 't tell me , goody two shoes Mormon boy has a bad side . " " Maybe I do . " I just shook my head and went back to watching the movie . The credits started rolling just as Jeremy 's dad walked in . " Hey dad . " Jeremy greeted his dad as he started working on his homework again . " Can I talk to you in the kitchen ? " Sarah could hear the hint of anger in his voice . " Sure . " They left leaving Sarah siting uncomfortably in the living room . Jeremy followed his dad into the kitchen and saw his mom waiting for them . " Jeremy , we don 't feel comfortable with you hanging out with that girl . " His mom started . " We don 't think she 's a good influence on you . " His dad added . Sarah cringed as she heard their voices . " You what ? " Jeremy was shocked that they would say that . " We spoke to Steve about this and we know about the stuff she 's into . We don 't want you going down again . It was hard enough the first time . " " I 'm not going to stop being her friend . " " I 'm afraid you don 't have a choice in the matter . " " I chose who I do and who I don 't associate with . " Jeremy couldn 't keep the anger out of his voice . " You will not disobey us . " " You will not take away her only friend . " " You will obey your parents . You will stop hanging out with her , end of discussion . " " No , not end of discussion . I made a promise to her that I would be there for her because no one else is . You don 't see the way people treat her at school . They treat her worse than they treated me ! No one can see how much it hurts her but me ! I will not become another person that bullies her . I was raised batter then that . I was raised to befriend the friendless and help the helpless . I am going to do just that with or was livid when he left the kitchen and went back into the living room . His anger disappeared when he didn 't see Sarah . He ran out of the house and saw her down the street . He ran after her not without noticing the shaking of her shoulders . She was crying . " Sarah ? " " Go away . " " No . You heard that didn 't you ? " " Why does it matter ? " She asked turning around and glaring at him . " You 're just going to be another broken promise . The sooner you leave the sooner I can forget you . " " I 'm not breaking my promise to you . I am not going to become another jerk that bullies you . I was raised better than that . " " Raised by the same people who don 't want you to hang out with me . I should have seen it coming . Everyone hates me ! Everyone thinks I 'm the worst person in the world ! I 'm not really that bad am I ? I know I 'm not on the this ! I 'm tired of everyone hating me ! So what if I 'm into the wrong kind of things ! It 's none of their business ! I only do it to forget about the things they do to me ! To forget about the words they say behind my back , to forget about my family , to forget about the living family I have that basically kicked me out today ! I 'm just so sick of it ! I 'm done . I - I 'm done . " I was done with it . I wasn 't going to live like this anymore . Jeremy wasn 't used to seeing her cry so much . " I 'm here . I 'm here and I don 't hate you . I don 't think there is anything wrong with you . You are fine the way you are . I 'm not leaving just because my parents told me to . I promised to help you and I plan to keep that promise . What do you mean you 're done ? " " I appreciate your help Jeremy . You 're the kindest anyone has been to me in the past year . I don 't have to live like this . I can run away and live somewhere else . I 'll steal some money and make a new life somewhere else . I 'll go to another family member 's house if I need to . I don 't think I can stay here . " " You can 't just run off . " " Why not ? No one would care . Steven basically kicked me out today . That 's why I wanted to come over . He told me he didn 't want me to come home until after school . Everyone wants me gone . I 'll be doing everyone a favor . " " I every day after school if that 's what you want . Forget what my parents said . They 're just worried about me . They 're just afraid I 'll go down the ' bad path ' again . " " You went down a bad path ? " " That 's why we moved . I lost my little brother a few years ago and I got into some bad things . Pretty much the same things you 've done . Even after I cleaned up my act the kids at school still tormented me . So , we moved . I if you break your promise I 've got loads on you . " Sarah joked . " Honestly , even if you were to break your promise I probably wouldn 't even tell anyone you dated an older girl . I wouldn 't want to see anyone else bullied . Those guys can be pretty harsh . " " Do you not care about what I 've done ? " " Why of nice to know I 'm not the only bad Mormon in town . It makes me feel less worthless . " " You 're not worthless . " " Thanks Romeo , but that 's the opinion of one . It would take a lot more to actually make a difference . " " Can I share a scripture with you or would you hate me ? " She just smiled . " You 're too good of a friend for me to hate you . Go ahead and share the scripture . " Jeremy smiled and took out his phone . He opened up his scripture app and went to the Doctrine and Covenants . " Okay , this is D & C 18 : 10 ' Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God ' . After I cleaned up my act I read this scripture all the time . I just wanted to remind myself that even though everyone else hated me God knew my worth and loved me . " " I 've always loved that scripture . Can I tell you a secret ? " " I basically shared all my secrets with you . You can share yours with me . " " I felt it last night after reading the talk you gave me . " " What did you feel exactly ? " " The Spirit . I almost didn 't believe it at first , but I knew what it was . I hadn 't felt it in so long I didn 't think I could feel it again . " Jeremy smiled brighter than she 'd ever seen . " Sarah that 's fantastic ! That means the Spirit was testifying to you that the talk was true . " " I know . I really liked that talk . " " You did ? " " Yeah , it was really good . " " Would you read another one ? " " Only if it 's as good as the last one . " " Would you want to go back to my house and pick one out together ? " " I don 't know . Being totally honest , I get enough harassment at school . I 'd prefer not to get it from your parents . " " They won 't say anything . I 'll make sure of it . " " Okay , fine . " " Is there a topic you 'd like to read about ? " He asked as they made their way back to his house . " Not really . " " How does something on God 's love sound ? " " Corny , but I 'd read it . " Jeremy smiled and brought her into his house again . " Jeremy you do not walk out … " Jeremy 's mom 's words trailed off as she noticed me with her son . " I promise not to corrupt your son , Mrs . Thorn . If you 'll excuse us we have some church stuff to do . " Sarah told her politely . Jeremy held back a smile as he led her to a room with a computer . He sat at the computer and started searching for a talk . They spent the next ten minutes trying to decide on a talk . When they finally chose one they printed it out and she put in her bag . " I really appreciate your help , Jeremy . It means a lot to actually have one person on my side that knows where I 'm coming from . " Sarah confessed as he drove her home . " I know how much I needed someone when I was going through Hell and back . I 'm glad you can have someone . Now , that we 're friends and you don 't hate me , would you do me a huge favor ? " " I am not going to church . " " Don 't worry , that 's not what I was going to say . I was wondering if you would get rid if your bottle of alcohol . " She thought about it for a minute . " I guess I could do that . " " Really ? " " Yeah , I guess I need to start somewhere . That would be a good start . " " Do you mind if I come in and make sure you pour it down a drain or something ? " " If you really want to . I 'll probably be getting in trouble for being out late though . Be prepared for some possible yelling . " " You had to deal with my parents . I can deal with Steve and Mel . " He they quietly made their way upstairs . She got the bottle out of her closet and she took it downstairs . Jeremy watched as she poured it down the kitchen sink and threw the bottle in the trash . " There , now it 's gone forever . " She said feeling a weight lift from her shoulders . " Sarah , here have you been ? " Mel asked . " I 've been with Jeremy . " " What have you been doing with Jeremy ? " Sarah knew she could smell the alcohol that she had just dumped down the drain . " We weren 't doing anything bad . " " You better not be getting that boy into trouble again . His parents don 't want him going down the bad path again . " " I know that okay ? I all ready heard it all from his parents . I 'm not in the mood to deal with more people who think I 'm not good enough to hang out with him . Do you guys not realize that everyone cares except him ? I am not going to let one more person tell me that I can 't have the only friend that I have . No matter what anyone else says Jeremy and I are going to be friends . " Mel just stood there staring at her . " I 'll walk you out . " Sarah told Jeremy just wanting to get away from Mel . They walked outside and Sarah let out a sigh of relief . " I 'm anyone really cares what we have to say . They just know that I 'm bad and you 're good and they don 't want me turning you bad . I swear the people here act like I 'm freaking Hitler and I 'll turn anyone who gets close to me into a Nazi . " Jeremy laughed . " Let me know when you read that talk okay ? Maybe we can talk about it this time . " " Maybe we 'll talk about it , but no promises . " " That 's good enough . " She gave him a hug . " Thanks for helping me . " " Anytime . " He said hugging her back . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " " I 'll pick you up for school again . " " Sounds good . " " Hey Jeremy , I read the talk you gave me . " Sarah called Jeremy the next day after school . " What did you think ? " " I really liked it . I kind of keep thinking about how Uchtdorf said that Satan wants us to think that God doesn 't care about us . I can 't help but happened . " " Satan wants us to think that God doesn 't care about us so that we will be more susceptible to doing wrong things . If we think God doesn 't care then we don 't think anyone will care if we drink or do drugs . God cares . He really does and he hates to see us do the things we 're not supposed to . God loves each of us . " " I know . I can feel that that 's true . " " Did anything else stand out ? " " I that there is a life after this and at least in that life everything will be perfect . In that life I 'll have my family again and we 'll be together forever . " " That 's exactly what you needed to hear . I know it 's hard to lose a family member let alone the pain of all of them . I know without a doubt that you see them again someday as long as you keep on the path . " " Do you think He 's disappointed in me ? Do you think I 've let Him and my family down ? " " I don 't think you 've let anyone down . I think God is glad that you 're trying to be better . I know your family only wants you to be happy . I know they would hate to see you this upset , but I know they would be glad to see you interested in the church again . " " I don 't want anyone to be disappointed in me , especially my family . They always did everything they could to give me a good life . I owe them . " " As long as you 're trying to be better they 'll be proud of you . " " Thank you for giving me this talk , Jeremy . " " I told you I 'd help . " " Can I get your thoughts on something ? " Sarah asked nervously as they drove to school . " Yeah . " " I prayed for some guidance last night . I got an answer I really didn 't want , but I know it 's the right answer . I 'd like to go to church , just once . I want to see if I feel the Spirit again . At the same time , I 'm scared . I don 't want to see all the kids from school . I know they 'll make fun of me . " " If can leave . I only want you to go if you really want to go . I know it will be hard to go back . " " I know this is what I 'm supposed to do . I want to at least try it . " " Okay . I 'll pick up on Sunday for church . " " Where are you going ? " Steve asked as he saw her try to sneak out the door . " I 'm going somewhere with Jeremy . " Her voice shook with nervousness and she hoped he couldn 't tell . " Don 't let that boy miss church , Sarah . " " He 's not going to . " Sarah 's heart raced and her breathing went shallow as she waited for Jeremy to pick her up for church . She wore one of the dresses her mom had given her for her birthday before she died . The dress just made her feel warm and like she was in her mom 's arms . Jeremy pulled up and her heartbeat quickened . " You ready ? " He asked her noticing her nervousness . " Yeah , I want to do this . " They took her hand in his trying to calm her down . " I 'm not so sure I can do this anymore . " She told him . " Yes you can . I know you can . We 'll sit in the back where no one will see us . " " They all ready see us . Everyone is staring . " " Don 't worry about them . Your family would want you to be here . " They times than she would have liked . As she listened to the speakers she could feel the Spirit . Tears came to her eyes again , but this time she didn 't try to stop them . " What 's wrong ? " Jeremy asked worried . " I can feel it . " Was all she said . " Me too . " " Are you comfortable going to the next hour ? " He asked once Sacrament ended . " I think so . " They her seat as the kids who bullied her in school started to enter . Their eyes would widen as they saw her , but then they 'd turn hard and hateful . " Don 't worry about them . They won 't do anything at church . " Jeremy whispered to her reassuringly . " I hope so . " " I see we have a visitor . " The teacher pointed out . " Would you like to introduce yourself ? " " I 'm Sarah . I 'm friends with Jeremy . " She tried to sound normal and not nervous . " Wonderful , I 'm pleased to meet you . Do you go to school with everyone here ? " Unfortunately , I thought . " Yeah I do . " " Good , maybe that will make you more comfortable . " He had good intentions , but he didn 't know how evil those kids were . The guys mostly stayed out of her way , but the girls were plain evil . Sarah ignored their glares as she listed to the teacher speak and watched the video he showed . She stayed behind a little after class to thank him . " I 'd like to say thank you for that wonderful lesson and for being so kind . " She actually enjoyed that class minus the glares . " I 'm just fulfilling my calling , but I 'm glad you liked the lesson . I hope to see you again . " " I 'd like to come again . " She said honestly before leaving . " I really appreciate you doing this for me Jeremy . " " There 's no need to keep thanking me . I 'm doing what a good missionary is supposed to do . Are you comfortable going to Young Women 's ? I know the girls are the meanest out of anyone . " " I 'd really like to hear another lesson . I 'm going to try it . " " Okay , but if you need to leave just tell me . " " I 'll let you know if they suddenly attack me . " " I saw how they looked at you in class . They 're not very happy with you being here . " " I know that . I just don 't really want to leave yet . " " I 'm glad you want to stay . " Jeremy showed her where to go and she sat in the back corner of the room by herself . As the girls started to come in she got glares again . She just brushed them off . " What are you doing here ? " Barbra asked rudely . " I came to church to learn . " " Sure you did . You should know we have a strict no drinking and no doing drugs here in the Mormon Church . I 'm pretty sure you forgot that one . Now you are not only dragging yourself down , but Jeremy as well . I heard all about that party you dragged him to and how you spiked his drink . He 's just too nice to tell you to go away . " She sneered . " I didn 't do anything to Jeremy . We didn 't go to any party together . I did not spike his drink either . " " I 'm sure you didn 't . We all know you 're a little liar . We all know you 're not really interested in church . You 're just trying to drag Jeremy down because he reminds you of your brother . " Sarah sucked in a breath at the felt the overwhelming urge to slap her . She stood shakily trying to control herself . " I would never ruin someone 's life like that . I would never hurt someone like that . You want to know why ? I would never want to be like you . " Sarah walked out calmly , but once she was out the door she ran out of the building . She sat on the curb believed everything they heard and attacked her for it any chance they got . All she wanted was to go to church and try to get close to God again . She got out her phone ready to text Jeremy when he walked out the door . " I went to make sure you were okay , but you weren 't in class . " " Yeah , I had to leave . You know I 'm not using you right ? " She asked letting what Barbra said get to her . " What ? Where did that come from ? " " Everyone thinks I 'm using you . They think I 'm trying to prevent you from going on your mission . I just want you to know I would never do that . " " I know you would never do that . " " All church again they wouldn 't do anything . I didn 't think they would try to prevent me from going to church . " " Next week maybe we can skip last hour and have a mini lesson outside or in my car . " " Would you do that ? I don 't want your parents to think I 'm making you skip church . I 'd like for someone to like me . " " It 's not a big deal . I can deal with my parents . I just want you to come to church again . " " I 'd like to continue going to church . " For they would go outside and have their own lesson . The more she went the less everyone seemed to care . She still didn 't dare go to Young Women 's . One day while they were having their own lesson outside the Bishop came up to them . " Would you mind if I sat in on your lesson ? " He asked . " Not at all . " Sarah said with a smile . They continued their lesson with the Bishop . Sarah learned a lot more with the Bishop chiming in and answering her questions . " Sarah would you mind talking to me in my office ? " The Bishop asked when hey ended their lesson . " Sure . " She said nervously . " I 'll meet you at my car when you 're done . " Jeremy told her . " Can I ask why you two always have a lesson outside ? I 've seen you out there for a few weeks now . " " I don 't really get along with the girls in last hour . I still wanted to hear a lesson so Jeremy offered to teach me instead . " " Can I ask why you don 't get along with the girls ? " " Being downhill . Now they 're all convinced I 'm trying to bring Jeremy down . They don 't want me to bring them down so they tried to get rid of me . It my family died part of me died with them . I needed someone to be there for me and to help me get through it , but no one wanted to talk about it . They didn 't understand that I needed to talk about it . I started drinking so that I could forget about it for a little while . I tried it once and everyone found out . They started to hate me and they all stopped talking to me . They would call me names and I hurt me . It able to forget about things for a little while . Even though I 'm trying to come back they all still hate me . I 'm just tired of people hating me . " " Would it bother you if I spoke to the girls ? Maybe I could get them to be kind . " " If you 'd like to try , I wouldn 't mind . I really enjoy being back and I 'd like to go to Young Women 's again . " " I 'll talk to them at mutual on Wednesday . Would you like to come to mutual ? We 're going to listen to a talk and have popcorn and ice cream . " " That was always my favorite mutual activity , but I 'd rather not . Maybe once I can get along with the girls I 'll go . " " Fair enough . Thanks for talking with me . If you ever have a problem with anyone just let me know . " " Thank you , I will . " " Are you ready for testimony meeting ? " Jeremy asked as he picked her up for church . " They were always kind of cool because you got to hear what the church meant to everyone . Everyone always had a different story . The only part that sucked was the no food . It 's still sucks to be honest . " That month Sarah fasted that she would be accepted more in the church . She didn 't want to be an outsider anymore . She wanted everyone to realize that she wasn 't as bad as they thought . They times they went . Mel and Steve smiled proudly at her every time they saw her . When testimony meeting started Sarah was surprised to see Jeremy go up . He smiled at her as he sat and waited for his turn . " My testimony has grown a lot since I 've moved here . I know that things happen for a reason . I know why I was supposed to move here . I know that Finally , I got her to come to church again . It still wasn 't perfect . She was uncomfortable with coming at first . Eventually she started to like it . Now I don 't even have to ask if she wants to come . She 's always ready and eager to come . I 'd like to thank her for coming back . I know personally how hard it is to come back after you 've fallen away . I 'm proud of her for doing so . I want her to know that I know with all my heart that this church is true . I know that by coming to church you can become closer to God . I know that our families can be together forever . I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ , amen . " Jeremy smiled as he sat down next to Sarah . She could only hug him and say thank you . Without even thinking her legs moved and before she knew she was up at the podium . " I help from friends in the beginning , but I gave up when I realized no one cared . All my life I was taught to help those who needed it . At the time I didn 't understand why no one was willing to help me . I turned down a road I wasn 't supposed to . I started doing things I wasn 't supposed to . Inside I knew it wrong the whole time . All I kept thinking was that I wanted it all to go away . I wanted all the pain to go away . I that my family will be together again if I live righteously . If this hadn 't happened I would have never met my best friend . I know that at times things seem dark and hopeless , but if we stay on the path and live right things will be okay . I 'm glad to have my testimony of this church back . I know that this church is true and I know that God does love each of us . I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ , amen . " My heart pounded as I made my way back to my seat . I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I knew from that moment on that everything was going to be okay . I knew that as long as I kept getting better that everything would be okay and my life could be happy again . I owed it all to Jeremy . The one person who refused to give up on me . I could never thank him enough for giving me my life back . The End This was the first week my sister got to actually home school . She really liked it . She is doing a different program than I am . She only has three classes . . . 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Waldwick High School class of 1998 - We always managed to do things just a little bit differently , a little bit half - assed , haha . Our reunion was held in the private third - floor room of the Allendale Bar & Grill . Most people get dolled up for their high school reunion , trying to make a good impression on people who most likely saw them at their worst . Pretty much everybody at this reunion wore jeans . Only about a third of our class came , and considering that we graduated with only 90 - ish people , it wasn 't exactly a large crowd . I think everyone who went had a decent time ; it 's hard to take much seriously when the room is dominated by a beer pong table . Overall , it was exactly what I expected it to be , thought I 'm not sure if that 's good or bad . All good things come to an end , I 'm told . I guess if you live long enough , life continues to change , and eventually each thing that you care about will have to pass away . The final Wednesday night at the Junkyard took place on 17 December . Knowing that it would be Lifespeed 's last appearance there , everyone came out , and the place was packed . It took forever to get around the bar , and we were all sweating after just a few minutes of standing there . Haha , reminded me of plenty of summer nights over the years ! Tommy was working behind the bar with Mikey , our crew was annexed from our usual position and forced into the stage - side corner , there were so many old friends and strange new faces , Judy was getting wasted on Jameson shots . . . It was definitely a strange night , but what a way to go out ! By the end , I was standing on the stage taking pictures of the crowd , James was on Matt 's shoulders playing his guitar , Judy was dancing on the bar . . . and then everyone was saying goodbye . The Junkyard will be open for another month or so , but this was our final Wednesday night , and that 's all that mattered . December was certainly a busy month for shows ! Just a few days after driving to Atlantic City for Avenged Sevenfold , then Starland Ballroom for Life of Agony the following day , we headed into NYC for Mudvayne . The Fillmore at Irving Plaza will probably always be my favorite venue . It 's so small and cozy , and has this great little balcony above so you can stay out of the fray and still have a view . Matt , Jenna , Tommy , and I drove into the city after work , and parked at the garage around the corner that we 've become so familiar with . Snot was the first band to play , and as I wasn 't really into their new lineup , I didn 't pay a whole lot of attention . They were energetic , and got the crowd going . Then Ten Years came on and basically put the entire place to sleep . I 'm not saying they didn 't put on a good show , just that it was far too slow and mellow to keep us all going . Throughout the night , I was putting down Guinness ' like there was no work tomorrow . I hadn 't eaten anything all day , so this wasn 't the best plan . At one point , Tommy and I ran down the long staircase and out the front door for a cigarette . No problems then , but on the way back up the stairs , I realized how drunk I was when I missed a step and fell face - first onto the stairway . Tommy was hysterical , but he promised that no one had seen and that he wouldn 't tell anyone . His promise didn 't matter much , since I ran back upstairs and immediately told everyone the story of my crash landing . A few minutes later , Matt claims that I lost my balance and fell into a wall . In reality , I was trying to lean against said wall , and it was simply further away than I expected . Not my proudest moments . Anyway , we planned to hang out on the balcony for Mudvayne , expecting the crowd below to get pretty violent . About halfway through the first song , however , my drunken self decided that downstairs looked like so much more fun ! I left the other three upstairs and made my way into the crowd . For some reason , every time I tapped a person in front of me on the shoulder , they sawPosted by After a busy night ( Can 't Touch This ) and very little sleep , I wasn 't really in the mood for another show . Ira and I had made plans to see Life of Agony at Starland Ballroom on 13 December , however , and I wasn 't about to disappoint him ! Once again , we met at the Hillside house , then headed down to Sayreville , NJ , about a 40 - minute drive . The show started at 4 or 5 in the afternoon , I can 't remember which . We met up with a couple of Ira 's friends from work , Pete and Cheryl , and Cheryl 's friend Billy , and just hung out for a while . There were five different opening bands , and I had heard of none of them ! We took lots of silly pictures , Billy and I chatted cars over cigarettes , and I watched everyone but me get seriously wasted , haha . Some other friends of Cheryl 's showed up , and we all split up for a bit . When I looked for the group of them later on , Ira was all by himself on the right side of the stage . He was all the way up against the rail , and clearly wasn 't planning to move until the show was over . I hung out in his area for a while , and suddenly someone yelled at me , " You 're from Waldwick ! " Apparently , this girl was a few years younger than me and friends with some people that I had graduated high school with . She didn 't look even vaguely familiar , but she knew all about me . She was very excited and introduced me to all of her friends . I stayed there for a few minutes , feeling extremely uncomfortable . Then , her boyfriend 's brother spilled his entire beer all over me , and I took the opportunity to get away . I moved over to the left side of the stage , and found Pete , Cheryl , Billy , and their other friends . The other girl and guy were extremely drunk , and were getting pretty pushy with everyone around them . I could only handle that for a little while , so I wandered up into the bar area and sat down for a little while . After two days of shows , my feet and knees were killing me ! Just before LIfe of Agony came on , I headed back over to check on Ira , who was in the same spot and finally sobering up . Pete , Billy , and ChePosted by Matt , Jenna , Dave & I took a little holiday from work on Friday , December 12 . As Matt 's birthday present , I bought tickets for the four of us to see Avenged Sevenfold at the House of Blues in Atlantic City . Dave & I used the morning to go to the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission and change our drivers licenses and car registrations to the new address . It was a quick process , for once , though we weren 't able to register the Subaru that day . The finance company still holds the title , so I will have to notify them to send it to the NJMVC , and once it gets there , register the car . It will be annoying to take off another day of work , but at least it 's still legally registered in NY . The 300zx and Dave 's Challenger were no problem to register , of course , since they aren 't what we drive everyday ! Matt and Jenna met up with us at the Airmont house , since we were still sleeping there . We all loaded into the Subaru and headed to AC , stopping off at a rest stop for some Burger King for dinner ( ugh ) . We made it down there in good time , and did some gambling in the Showboat Casino . As usual , Dave managed to win quite a bit of money , this time from some slot machines . I actually won about $ 100 as well , so that paid for beer for all of us for the night . Burn Halo was the first opening band , and by the end of their set , Dave had declared them the soundtrack to his personal hell . It wasn 't that they were bad , or out of tune , or that we didn 't like an individual song . It was just that they seemed so repetitive , as if all of the songs were interchangeable . Shadows Fall was next . We all really enjoyed them , even Dave , and the crowd was immediately energized by their music . Jenna and I were drinking as heavily as we could when the beers cost $ 7 each throughout this set , so we were pretty toasty by the time they finished . While waiting for Avenged Sevenfold to come on , we chatted with some of the guys in the crowd , a few of which wouldn 't leave us alone ( haha ) . Jenna had agreed to push up with me towards the front , so we started making Posted by Not that it 's winter . . . I think it 's like 60 degrees here today . Last night 's dinner : Taco Soup2 lbs Ground Beef1 chopped Onion2 - 14oz cans diced Tomatoes1 can Rotell1 can Corn1 can Pinto beans1 can Small Red Beans1 pouch Taco Seasoning3 cans Beef BrothShredded CheeseSour Cream1 small jar chopped Jalapenos ( optional ) Brown ground beef and onion ; drain . Add all other ingredients . Simmer for 30 minutes or more . Sprinkle each bowl with shredded cheese ( I used Mexican 4 - cheese ) and add a small dollop of sour cream . We were starving by the time 30 minutes had passed , so I served up our bowls and let the rest simmer through dinner and clean - up . Dave liked it so much that he had me invite Matt and Jenna over for dinner tonight so he could have it again . That 's 2 dinners last night , 4 dinners tonight , and I expect to have enough left for two or three lunches . Posted by Well , after six years of Halloween Havoc , it has finally come to an end . We held the party once again this year , but due to our impending move , as well as certain people 's behavior , this has definitely been the last one . The best part of the party was that we took a small amount of our wedding gift money and bought Rich a plane ticket to fly up from Tulsa , OK . We picked him up at the airport on Friday , and he was able to spend the whole weekend with us ! As far as the party itself , I can only really remember the bad parts . Turtle * * destroyed Ira 's costume , nearly started a fight with a bunch of our friends , and completely trashed our downstairs bathroom , including throwing up in the bathtub ( really fun to clean up ! ) and breaking the shower door handle . Ira sideswiped Rooster 's * * car on his way out of the driveway . Two groups of people almost got into a fight because someone apparently yelled racial slurs at one of our friends . I finally had to tell the last people to leave , friends of friends that I had never met before , because two of them busted into the guestroom intent on having sex in what was Rich 's bed for the weekend . The worst part was that someone stole Dave 's iPod , completely disrespecting us and our hospitality . Every year , the party got a little bit more out of hand , but at least everyone got along and maintained a certain level of respect for our property , as their hosts . It 's sad that the people I remember as being the worst behaved were some of my closest friends . * * Gotta love our friends ' nicknames ! On Thursday , 23 October , Matt , Jenna , Tommy and I headed over to the Fillmore at Irving Plaza in NYC for Bury Your Dead , In This Moment , and Five Finger Death Punch . Haha , gotta love the names of the bands we see ! Jenna picked this show , and the rest of us didn 't really know the bands very well . Only Matt had ever been to the Filmore before , so between the unknown bands and the unfamiliar venue , we had no idea what we were getting into . Jenna decided to drive , so after work Tommy drove to her house , then they picked me up at my house , and we all went up to Matt 's job to pick him up . From there , we hopped on the Palisades Parkway and headed for the city . We hit traffic at the toll for the George Washington Bridge , as always . There was a dog in the car next to us , so Tommy started barking at it , and got the dog barking , too . Then , we heard another dog answering from our other side . The two dogs just kept going until finally the one next to us got yelled at by his owner . We all felt bad for getting him in trouble , haha . We finally crossed the George Washington Bridge and headed down the West Side Highway . We all were a little confused with the directions , but finally found the place , and managed to find a parking garage right around the corner . The Fillmore was built in 1914 , and has existed as a ballroom , nightclub , boxing venue , Polish dance hall , veterans ' club , and who knows what else . There is a bar and lounge area on the first floor , along with the restrooms , but the main venue is on the second floor . A stage dominates one end , with a bar along the opposite wall , and a large open area in between . Up another set of stairs is another bar with lounge area , and a balcony that overlooks the second floor . Overall , the Fillmore feels small and intimate , but not cramped . We had no problem moving through the crowd , and there were many great vantage points . We arrived just as Bury Your Dead was taking the stage . I had never heard of the band , but they were high energy and engaging , and we liked them before they even played Posted by We got back from our honeymoon in Curacao on Saturday night , relaxed on Sunday , went to work on Monday , and then had tickets for a concert Monday night . Matt , Jenna , Tommy , Dave and I met up after work and headed over to Roseland Ballroom to see Thrice , Alkaline Trio , and Rise Against . We were all looking forward to seeing Thrice , and were slightly disappointed by their set list . Almost everything they played was new , and though Tommy , Matt , and I knew the songs , they weren 't what we would have preferred to hear . They were tight and technical , just as we expected , and Dave said he enjoyed it very much . Alkaline Trio was probably the worst band I have ever heard perform live . When making that statement , I 'm including cover bands , teenage bands on tiny stages at Warped Tour , and random original bands playing in dive bars for ten drunks . The lead - singer was completely off - key , and all of the instruments seemed to be out of tune . Jenna was literally covering her ears during their set . Rise Against was amazing . They played a long set , probably forty - five minutes or so , and we heard nearly every song that we wanted to . The high point of the night was when they did " Swing Life Away . " How many couples can say they heard their wedding song performed live ? How many of those people saw it just over a week after their wedding ? It was great . I 'm really glad Dave decided to come to that show with us . It 's rare that he goes to our concerts , since the music is not at all what he 's in to . Posted by Monday morning , Dave 's dad picked up Dave and I and drove us to JFK airport . The flight to Miami was on a very large plane , and was completely packed . We had a couple of hour layover where we wandered around the terminal and ate some excellent Pizza Hut from an airport stand . The airline had overbooked the flight to Curacao and were offering huge deals to stay in Miami until the following day , but our stay had already been paid for so we couldn 't wait . We arrived in Curacao just after dark and were loaded up onto a bus to the resort , along with many other honeymooning couples . We could barely see anything through the bus ' * * windows , and so didn 't have any idea of the layout or scenery of the island . When we arrived at the hotel , we approached the counter to check in , unsure of the language that would be spoken here . I have a good enough grasp of Spanish to get by , but Curacao is a Dutch island , a language I know nothing about . It turned out that nearly every employee of the hotel spoke English , Spanish , and Dutch , and it was no problem communicating to get checked in . We paid the extra fee for a room safe , and deposited our wallets and passports there . I think I only carried my wallet with me one other time during the entire trip . The room was clean , but felt rather bare , with white tile floors , a queen - sized bed , and a small couch and chair set . It was also an efficiency room , with a little stove and refrigerator , and built in table with chairs . We had paid a little bit extra to have an ocean - front room , and that 's exactly what we were given , except that there was a giant trapeze net between the balcony and the actual ocean . It didn 't allow for a great view , but at least there was somewhere of our own to sit outside . The bathroom was rather large , with a big shower that could easily fit more than one person ( wink ) . We were starving after a long day of traveling with very little food , so we dropped our bags and headed to the dinner buffet . At first , we were hesitant to try the food . Everything was scary looking , anPosted by We made our way back down the aisle and up the walkway to the side door of the country club . Brian caught up to us to give back my bouquet ( oops ! ) , and then Dave and I loaded into a golf cart with the photographer to drive over to the edge of the hill for more pictures . The day was actually too sunny , and it was not easy to get good shots , so we didn 't end up taking very many . Once again , we loaded back into the cart , and made our way up to the country club in time to enjoy the majority of the cocktail hour , just as we 'd planned . We walked in the side door , and I was immediately accosted by one of the djs wanting to confirm some of the entrance music and wedding party names . Dave headed inside , and I finished with her as quickly as I could , then made my way towards the party . I couldn 't get past the entrance , though , as people came up to hug me and say hello . It felt like there were so many people there , and everyone wanted to talk to me at once ! It was hard to give each person the time that they deserved , but that was why we had made sure to attend the cocktail hour , to free ourselves up to really enjoy the entire evening . After quite a while , I found Dave again , and we made the rounds of his family members together . Unfortunately , they were the only people who just didn 't seem to be having fun . We did the best we could to be friendly and they were definitely excited to see the two of us , but as soon as we walked away , they all just sat there looking miserable again . We had agreed not to dwell on their attitudes , so we took it in stride and continued to visit with the rest of the guests . In what seemed like no time , the maitre d ' ( who resembled Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse ) began calling all of our guests to find their place cards and their seats . People were very slow to move into the reception room , and eventually we actually had to go around and personally ask people to head inside . We all lined up for our introductions , and waited for the djs to call our names . Dave had chosen each party member 's entrance musicPosted by The procession began at the side door of the country club , went down a long concrete walk ( actually the golf cart path ) , along the aisle between all of our guests ' seats , and ended next to the Reverend , looking out over the hills . The day had suddenly warmed up , and the sun was shining in a brilliant clear blue sky . Our friend Ian and his girlfriend Anna had volunteered to play the violin and piano ; we walked in to Bach 's " Air " , and it was exactly as I 'd imagined . Dave 's father Fred , who was also the best man , led the procession with Dave 's grandmother . Next were Dave and his Mom , followed by my Mom with my brother Pete . Brian , my man of honor , walked in alone . Dad and I waited for a few extra seconds , then made our entrance , and I didn 't miss a beat in my 6 - 1 / 2 " heels , haha . It was weird feeling walking between all of those people . I knew that they were only our family and friends , but somehow it felt like a group of strangers watching me . I caught the eyes of a couple of friends , my boss , my cousin , and realized it was because I was different that they seemed different . They were all smiling at me , but there was a look in their eyes that was unfamiliar , as if they were trying to recognize me , and reconcile this event in their own minds . I was finally able to focus in on Dave , and he was there at the front smiling at me , looking a bit nervous to be in front of all of these people , just like I felt . Dad and I made our way to the front , and the Reverend came out in front of us to begin the ceremony . Dad stood between Dave and I , where the Reverend would normally stand , and waited for instructions . We had told the Reverend that we wanted to have a spiritual service , not specifically geared toward any religion , that included prayer , but we had not gotten any more specific . We really had no idea what he was planning ! The Reverend welcomed everyone in a rambling sort of way , including talking about his experiences with other weddings and couples . He was definitely an odd little man , and at first , people looked uncertain Posted by On the day of our wedding , I woke up around nine o ' clock , told Mom to stay in bed for as long as she wanted , and started pulling together some last minute details . Seating chart in hand , I ran over to the country club to set up the table name signs . While I was there , Dad wandered in to say hello on his way to breakfast , and then I ran into Dave . Haha , so much for not seeing each other ! Everyone else headed to the breakfast buffet , but I ran down to Margaretville to pick up the things I had forgotten , like lip gloss . On my way back , I got a call from the friend that was doing my hair and makeup , saying that she was on her way . So far , everything was right on schedule . I ran into Mom on her way to get breakfast as I walked into the hotel , so I had the suite to myself for a little while . I went over all of the details quickly , to see if we 'd forgotten anything , but it all seemed to be in place . So , feeling awfully calm considering , I hung out on the couch with a book for a while . At one point , the maid came in to make the beds , and was laughing at me about how easygoing I was . Eventually , Mom came back from breakfast , and Erin arrived to do my hair and makeup . She did an amazing job , and then we just hung out waiting for the photographer to arrive . I suddenly realized that we hadn 't marked the favor boxes to indicate which person took home the centerpieces , like we had planned to do , so we called Brian 's fiance Melissa up to the room and asked her to take care of it by writing an M on the bottom of one box at each table . ( A bunch of us had gotten together at Mom 's house a couple of weeks before to put together the favors . Aunt Marsha complained that all of the ones she did were terrible , and we had joked that we would put an M on the bottom of all of hers , so that everyone would know who to blame . ) The photographer had a slight equipment issue that morning , and so was a little bit late , but everything was fine . Once she was there and ready , we were able to get my dress and shoes on . Everything came together perfectlyPosted by October was a very busy month , and I really haven 't had any time to write , so now I 'll try to catch up . Too many things went on to just skip it all ! I 've included a couple of random pictures from the Bridal Shower as well . . . Wednesday , October 1 , was my last night at the Junkyard as a " single " woman . Of course , having been with Dave for well over six years , it 's more true to say that I have never been a " single " woman during Wednesday Night Drinking . Dave and I were supposed to pick up my man - of - honor Brian and his fiance Melissa at Newark Airport after work , but their scheduled flight out of Nashville , TN , was delayed , so they hopped an earlier flight that came into JFK Airport . There was no way for us to get through the city and back again at any reasonable hour , so they took the train to Ramsey , NJ , and I picked them up . While I was out , Dave ran over to the mall and picked up his and Brian 's tuxedos , and we all met back at the house . After a quick try - on session , the guys went out and got us some pizza for dinner , then we cleaned ourselves up and went out . Brian and Melissa enjoyed the bar and the band , and got to meet a few of our friends there . They were up early in the morning to meet with a priest about their upcoming wedding , and Dave and I headed over to the Ramapo Courthouse to fill out our marriage certificate . Dave had called in advance to find out what identification we needed , and was told that a driver 's license and social security card were required . He didn 't have a social security card , so he brought his brand - new passport instead , hoping it would work . Of course , when we arrived there and spoke with the clerk , she expected us to both have two forms of photo ID , completely different from what the woman had said on the phone . We convinced her to accept my social security card , but it was hilarious . Next , we packed up our stuff , said good - bye to the puppies , and headed up to the Catskills . My parents , Brian and Melissa eventually met us up there , and we had some dinner and relaxed . Mom gave me a siPosted by I 'm not generally a traditionalist , but at this last minute ( 4 days left ) , I 'm trying to incorporate " something old , something new , " etc . Here 's my something blue , though I 'm still not exactly sure if it will be in my hands , in my bouquet , or pinned under my dress : I don 't go in for much religion , but rosary beads are just beautiful , and I have many sets . I bought these in Fatima , Portugal a couple of years ago , and carry them with me , usually in my purse , nearly all of the time . Fatima is a place where the Virgin Mary is said to have appeared many times to a group of children in the early 1900s . The tree where the apparitions took place is still there , surrounded by a stone wall . People from all over the world make pilgrimages there to pray for healing , and to light candles in honor of loved ones . Most of the pilgrims are women , as this is a location dedicated to giving thanks and praise to Mary , not Jesus Christ . Women walk , or crawl really , on their knees along the worshiping path , which is plenty long enough to leave permanent scarring . My friend 's stepmother guided us there , and she showed us the scars on her own knees . Regardless of your faith , or lack thereof , Fatima is an impressive place . Just outside of the church grounds , there are rows of vendors selling everything from blessed statues and holy water to plastic toys and clothing . Everything is up for negotiation , so I needed a translator just to make the purchase . I 'm not really sure how it happened , but I 'm getting married in nine days . Today is the first day that I have felt calm about the wedding , in terms of logistics . We 've finally taken a headcount , corralled the vendors , made the favors , straightened out the payments , worked up a schedule . . . But I keep feeling like there is something major that we 've forgotten . The only tasks that are really left are making place cards to match the already - completed ( four times over ) seating chart , and writing our vows . Vows ! Dave really wants us to write our own , which I have been dreading since he first brought it up many months ago . We 've agreed that there will not be any previews ; we 're each going in with our own thing , with no idea of what the other will say . The goal is to be totally honest and free that way , but it feels to me like a setup . What if I decide to be silly or serious , and he goes in the opposite direction ? Will his be three lines , or five minutes long ? Argh , as if the overall stress of planning the wedding wasn 't enough ! Over the past year , I have seriously considered my stance on marriage . The conclusions I have come to are unsettling , to say the least . I don 't believe that people are meant to be married to one person for their entire lives . By " meant " , I mean that it is not a naturally - occurring phenomenon , but one that society has imposed on us as morally correct . This may be because of responsibilities expected of parents , so that there is no question of who the mother and father of any child are . Another reason could be due to sexually transmitted diseases . However , I believe both of these reasons to be modern takes on the situation , while marriage predates any history that I 've uncovered . It makes sense that men should want to " spread themselves around " to further their line , and should desire the woman in their life at that moment that is most beneficial to that end . It makes sense that a woman should be attracted to a man only so long as he is the strongest ( mentally , physically , emotionally , even financiaGot Nothing ? I really want an espresso machine . My trip to Portugal a couple of years ago instilled a love of espresso , but I never realized how much of a desire I had for it in the morning and after - dinner until this whole wedding planning process began . In recent years , the custom has become for the engaged couple to create a registry of home and kitchen supplies at one or more stores . I believe this came into being primarily to avoid receiving 13 blenders on your wedding day , which is considered bad luck , unlike having freezing rain ruin your one - time - only white dress , or having gooey bird excrement land in your perfectly coiffed ' do . Anyway , I have always considered this tradition to be the perfect expression of the greed , self - importance , and consumerism that dictates our American lives . However , friends and family have made it clear that they prefer to give us a tangible item instead of checks made out to " CASH " . As far as I 'm concerned , shelling out what it will cost for the obscenely over - priced on - site hotel rooms and gas to get there is gift enough for me , but a wedding registry they shall receive . Creating a registry can be great fun . The standard procedure is to attend some type of in - store meeting , complete with instructions on what items should be chosen . This should involve both the bride and the groom , even though the bride will probably end up choosing 99 % of the list . Not willing to waste time being told what I ( we ) need and want by some clerk who has never met me ( us ) before or seen my ( our ) living arrangements , I chose to create my ( our ) registry completely online . Dave and I have been living together for more than three and a half years . Just before moving in , I purchased for myself a complete dinner set , including twelve 5 - piece place settings of formal dishes and twelve sets of wine glasses . Over the years , we 've amassed furniture , glassware , pots and pans , wooden spoons , every kitchen gadget in existence ( or so I thought ) , decorative items , linens , etc . , etc . , etc . This didn 't leave much for a registry , Posted by We finally sent out our wedding invitations today . It was a lot of labor , and my nerve - damaged writing hand is swollen and painful . I spent the evening at Aunt Marsha 's on Saturday , and she helped me fold cards and put packets together . I had forgotten to pick up the stamps for the response envelopes , so we were only able to organize everything and begin addressing outer envelopes . Aunt Marsha didn 't think her handwriting was " pretty " enough , so I addressed all of them . Uncle Jack picked up some pizza , and we relaxed out on the deck , chatting about travel ideas and work . I wasn 't feeling well after dinner , so I packed up everything and went home . Dave felt like taking his Challenger out for a while , so I set everything up on the coffee table and kept working . All of the outer envelopes were finished that night , except for the seven or eight who were for people that had recently moved and I needed addresses for . I couldn 't do anything else without postage , so I took all of the boxes with me to work this morning and put in another couple of hours to finish them up . This weekend is our annual road trip to Ohio for the DSM Shootout . Last year was crazy enough to fill about three pages of blog , and I expect this year to be just as interesting . Dave 's car is running for the first time in three years , and we always have fun being his pit - crew . Apparently , pen spinning is a worldwide phenomenon that began in Japan over fifteen years ago . The Universal Pen Spinning Board features forums for the discussion of all things relating to pen spinning : tricks , buying and modding pens , and competition . There are even areas to talk about hand care and the pen spinning " philosophy " . Bic has also launched a website featuring contests and pen spinning videos called the Pen Spinning Academy . I guess now I can see why people have trouble understanding our love of cars . It 's about the same thing , right ? I decided to delve a bit deeper into the world of " psing , " and found this enlightening thread about whether females are suited for being pen spinners : Girls and pen spinning ? Wow , talk about killing my dream . _ This morning , I hopped onto the pallet scale to weigh myself without realizing that our head of production was watching me . Once the number registered , I turned to go back to the office and spotted him staring . I smiled and said good morning . He smiled back and said , " Gained a few pounds , eh ? " I should point out that there are some cultural differences at play here : he is Indonesian . Still , I would have thought it was universally known that saying something like that is inappropriate . Anyway , I responded with a confused look , and commented that I had not gained weight ; the number was within one or two pounds of what I always weigh . He smiles again , and says , " Oh , you look like you 've gained weight . No ? " Talk about going from bad to worse . It 's funny , but as soon as I walked away from this conversation , all I wanted to do was eat . I doubt anyone will get the song referenced in this title . . . _ Last Monday , 28 July , I took the day off to go to a concert . I don 't think I have ever gotten to do that before , but after enduring this spring at work , I decided that it was deserved . Jenna , who is Matt 's girlfriend , and I decided to head down to Warped Tour at Raceway Park in Old Bridge Township , NJ for the day . It started off pretty slowly , as days like this tend to . We had agreed that I would spend the night before at Jenna 's house , since Dave and I currently only have one car , and he would need it to get to work that day . I packed a bag and took it with me to Sunday night car club , feeling silly but also excited for our " sleepover " , but after an hour or so , Jenna and Matt still hadn 't shown up . I finally texted Matt to see where they were , and was told they were too tired to come out , and Jenna would just pick me up in the morning . I was a bit upset that the plans were changed , without anyone even calling me , but it was actually better getting to sleep in my own bed . The following morning , I got up around eight o ' clock , showered , and hung out with the puppies and a guitar , waiting for Jenna to arrive . She was supposed to be there by ten , so I wasn 't surprised when the phone rang at 9 : 45 . Apparently , she had tried to follow her navigation to get to my house , but had punched in the right address in the wrong town . I corrected the information , and , after a couple more phone calls , she was able to find our house . I hopped in the car , and she said , " I just realized that I forgot my ticket . We have to go back to my house . " Not a big deal ; her house is a few towns south , and that 's the way we were headed anyway . So , back to Jenna 's house to pick up the ticket . Then , she was starving , and I needed cash , so we stopped in town . I hit the ATM while she ran into the bagel store , but , of course , the ATM was broken . She grabbed her bagel and got both of us some coffee , then we found a drive through ATM for me . As we tried to leave town , the train came through , and we got stuck waiting at the crossing . ThPosted by
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I 've been MIA lately , I know . It seems the less I write , the less I feel like writing , so I have to do something about that , because I really do like writing . So I have a story to tell you . I spent $ 27 , 500 dollars about a month or so ago . I would like to say I purchased a new car , or put an addition on my house or even spent it on hookers and blow , but no . I spent it for a single night 's accommodations in a drafty room in the city so a burly guy named Steve with a tattoo on his neck could offer me injectable drugs . Yes , I spent a 27K on a single night in the hospital . And the kicker is , I did it of my own free will . It 's not like I woke up in the hospital and the last thing I remembered was the grill of an 18 wheeler coming through my living room wall . In fact , I came so close to not even going to the emergency room that I 'm still kicking myself in the ass for not playing the odds . About five years ago , I was watching TV and my eyes decided they couldn 't take another minute of Sons of Anarchy , and they checked out . My vision went all funky , and I had zero peripheral vision . I thought I was having a stroke or something , so off to the ER we went . By the time we got to the hospital , I was fine . They checked me out , gave me a CT Scan , had an eye guy look me over , and sent me home with a diagnosis of ocular migraine ( migraine with aura , if you want to get all medical about it ) and instructions to see an eye specialist for a follow up , just to make sure it wasn 't anything with my eyeball nerves . After that checked out fine too , I was given the all clear , and told it might be a one - time thing . Well , it turned out that it wasn 't a one - time thing . It 's continued to happen once every four or five months for the last couple of years . So I 'm pretty familiar with the regular symptoms . Basically what happens is that I 'll be minding my own business and suddenly I 'll notice that it 's difficult to read small type , because the center of my vision looks like it has sparkles in it . Remember when you were a kid and you pressed your palms to your eyeballs until it looked like white static ? And then it took your vision a few seconds to come back ? Like that . * Eventually , with my particular brand of migraine , after about ten or fifteen minutes , the sparkly part starts expanding into a ring , and it gets wider and wider until it 's at the edges of my vision . Then it goes away and I have a slight headache for a few hours . It helps to take a couple of aspirin as soon as it starts . A couple of months ago , I was sitting in my office working on the computer and I felt a migraine coming on . It was getting hard to read the screen , so I sighed , stood up , walked to the bathroom and downed a couple of aspirin and went out to the living room to wait it out . My wife was home that day , and I told her I was having a migraine and I just took a couple of aspirin , but talking felt a little . . . strange . Like I knew what I wanted to say , but it was really hard to get it out of my mouth . You know that feeling when the exact word you want is on the tip of your tongue but you can 't remember it ? It was exactly nothing like that . I could remember the words , but it took me a few seconds to wrap my tongue around them . So that was weird . My wife was engrossed in a difficult and arcane knitting ritual , so she really wasn 't paying much attention and just said , " Mmm hmm , " and went back to tying complex knots in string with large needles . I walked back to my office , and for absolutely no reason at all , I turned on my iphone and opened up the BBC and picked an article at random . I don 't even remember what it was , but I started reading it out loud . The results were hilarious , and truthfully , a little alarming . So for instance , my eyes read and understood this : I tried again , more slowly . I found that if I concentrated on each and every word , I could get through it , but if I tried to read at a normal rate , all sorts of random hell would break loose . My mouth was saying real words , but together they made no sense . This continued for about a minute or two . I walked back into the living room and said , " I 'm not 100 % on this , but I 'm thinking maybe I should have you bring me to the emergency room , because I just had this weird thing happen where I tried reading out loud , but my mouth wasn 't saying what my brain was reading , if that makes any sense . " My wife looked at me strangely and for a second I thought I had been spouting gibberish , but then she said , " OK , let 's go . " When she stood up to change out of her pajamas I waffled a bit , since I seemed completely fine , but then after a few minutes of discussion , we decided it was better to be safe than sorry since this was something I hadn 't experienced before . ( But to be fair , I had never tried to read out loud or talk to anyone while I was having a migraine before so it could have been completely normal . I usually just crash on the couch for a half hour and try to rest . ) So off we went . I 'll fast - forward through the part where we went to our local hospital and they told me that they 'd need to send me to a different , better hospital since they had no neurologists on staff , and that I 'd have to go by ambulance for liability reasons , and I told them to go fuck themselves - we were driving , and they made me sign a piece of paper saying that I absolve them of any liability if I took a dirt nap on the highway between the two locations , and then they sent me on my way . That little cursory examination and push out the door , I found out later , was going to cost me close to two grand . When we walked in to what I shall refer to from now on as the " real " hospital , I told them I was a transfer patient and handed them the papers we got from the fake hospital full of sick people I feel sorry for now because I 'm putting their odds at 50 / 50 . Since the paper said , " Possible TIA " they were all over my ass thinking I had a mini - stroke . They asked me a ton of questions about weakness and blurred vision , dizziness and slurred speech and whether or not I could smile and stick out my tongue and touch my finger to my nose with my eyes closed - - all of which I answered with a string of " No 's " because it was all the same shit I ran through myself five minutes into the episode because I know all about TIAs . They asked me if I had taken any medication , and then they immediately stuck me on a stretcher and brought me to get my head irradiated by a CT Scan . I asked them if they could give me an MRI instead , because I 'm generally opposed to the amount of radiation they use in a CT , and they said that no , the CT was better at making sure I didn 't have any bleeds in my brain . ( I didn 't feel like my brain was bleeding , but who am I to say ? How would I know ? They could have said , " We 'd like to make sure your spleen isn 't smoking " and I would have believed that too . ) After that , they took me back to the ER and dumped me there , and I watched some TV and waited for the doctor to show up , wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into . When the doctor came in , he was followed by about eight students ( this is a teaching hospital / | med school ) and they all crowded around me in this tiny room that was barely big enough for a bed and a chair . He introduced himself as Dr . Mallory , and said he was the chief neurologist on staff . He told me that the initial CT scan looked good , and we talked about what happened . This was now about the third time I had told this particular story , so I was getting the short version down pat , but holy shit , this was like public speaking inside a crowded elevator . I could feel myself getting nervous " Did you suffer any weakness ? " He asked . " Any dizziness ? " " No , " I said . " No dizziness , no weakness , no mental confusion . I even went into the bathroom and stuck my tongue out at the mirror . I did the eyes - closed , nose - touch test , the smile test , walked on my heels , all that crap . " I had realized what I said , and amended it sheepishly . " Well , not that I think it 's necessarily crap , I just meant that . . you know . . . that it 's . . . " and I stopped talking , since I knew I was just digging myself deeper . He turned to the crowd of students and in a sad voice said , " My life 's work is crap , " and all his students cracked up . I liked this guy . The next thing he did was point to his stethoscope and say , " What 's this ? " I looked at him strangely for a second . " Don 't they teach you guys that in med school on pretty much the first day ? " I asked . He laughed and explained that with aphasia , there is sometimes a lingering difficulty finding the right word for something . So instead of saying " Stethoscope " I might have answered " thing you listen to heartbeats with " or something similar . So after he explained what he was doing , things went a little more smoothly . He pointed at it again , and said , " What is it ? " I started to panic . He was clearly pointing at his cuticle . It was like a game of charades and suddenly I felt like I was losing . Shit ! Another name for cuticle . Think , man ! " Your lunula ? " I asked , hesitantly . " YES ! " I said , and pumped my fists . Then I went for the high - five but he left me hanging . I bet if his students hadn 't been there , he totally would have gone for it . Convinced that there were no after - effects , he said that he wanted to run some additional tests to completely rule out a mini - stroke . " You can either stay here for one night , and get them all over with , or you can schedule them over the course of three or four weeks and run around to appointments and wait for the results , " he said . " I recommend you stay . That way you can get it all done in one place , and we can observe you for 24 hours . We 'll bring you down for another CT Scan only this time we 'll add contrast . That will tell us if your vascularity is sound , and whether or not there are any blockages . " I agreed that sounded fine , although I wasn 't crazy about another high dose of radiation . ( And I was sort of upset that he was questioning my vasculinity , but it turned out I just heard him wrong . ) Then I thought , Screw it , we 're probably all dead from Fukushima anyway . He said they were also going to do an ultrasound of my neck , an MRI of my head , and an echocardiogram , but probably not until the morning . I was going for the record . The last time I had seen this many tests run on one person in a single day was on an episode of House . I was just hoping it wasn 't sarcoidosis . * * The second CT scan was uneventful , except for the injection of a radioactive isotope that rushes around in your bloodstream and lights up your blood vessels like a lantern . I am not a fan of contrast . I 've had it a few times , and every time as they 're injecting it , they say , " OK , this may make you feel like you have to pee , " and every time it 's a lie . It doesn 't really make you feel like you have to pee . I think a better description would be , " OK , this may make you feel like your asshole is blushing furiously , " but I supposed they 'd get in trouble if they told you that . After the second CT scan , they brought me to my new room . Unfortunately , the room they brought me to had a bed for people who can 't get out of bed . What that means is , in order to prevent blood clots and bedsores and other nasty things , the bed is constantly in motion . It 's blowing up and deflating at random points and random times , and laying on it makes you feel like someone gave you a nerve block from the neck down , then tied ropes to your arms and legs and turned you into an unwilling marionette . Your arms and legs and back and ass are constantly in motion and while it 's moving it makes all the noises you 'd expect . Pump up ! BRUP BRUP BRUP BRUP BRUP BRUP . It 's like someone put a bumper jack under my ass . Then one leg . Then the other . Deflate ! PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT . . . and everything drops down four inches and I sink into what feels like a half - inflated bouncy house . PUMP UP ! BRUP BRUP BRUP BRUP BRUP BRUP . Sweet Jesus , what the hell is that giant lump between my shoulder blades ? PSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT . Back into the deflated bouncy house . I was laying there marveling at this technological torture device , trying to figure out if there was a way to get it to pump the hell up and stay there , and that 's when I met Steve for the first time . He walked into the room and the first thing I saw was the shaved head and the no - necked bulk of someone who was probably 6 ' 2 " and weighed 275 . Then I noticed the chinstrap beard , the earring and the job - stopper , in that order . If you don 't know , a " job - stopper " is what they call tattoos on the hands , face or neck . Usually , a tattoo like that means that the person in question has determined at some point in his or her life that they 're not cut out for polite society . I know tattoos have become more mainstream , and I myself have a single tattoo that means a lot to me , but as a general rule , you don 't tattoo a bleeding skull with a snake coming out of its eye socket onto your neck and then go on to apply to medical school . When Steve had first walked in the door , I initially assum " Yeah . Can you make this freakin ' bed stop doing whatever the hell it 's doing ? Can 't you just unplug it or get it inflated and leave it there or something ? There 's no way I 'm gonna be able to sleep on this nightmare . " " No can do , " he said again . That was kind of his go - to phrase . " Unfortunately , these beds are for people who can 't get out of bed . " About 30 minutes later , a nurse came in with a needle . I eyed her suspiciously . " What 's that for ? " I asked . " Oh , we give this to everyone , " she said , nonchalantly . " It 's a shot in the stomach to prevent blood clots in your legs . " That got my attention , and I sat up . " What do you mean , everyone ? There 's no way in hell you 're jamming that into my stomach , " I said , still unbelieving . " That 's just crazy , " I added . " People let you do that ? " I stood up next to the bed just in case she decided to call in a couple of orderlies to hold me down . She said , " Yeah , you look pretty active , you probably don 't need it . " " Yeah , no , " I said , and began doing some jumping jacks for emphasis . " Take that away . " " These help you . . . you know . Move you bowels . " I must have hesitated for a second or two , because she dumbed it down for me . " They make you poop , " she added helpfully . " Did someone tell you I couldn 't poop ? " I asked , confused . Was there someone spreading rumors about me in the hall ? " Hey , pssssst . You didn 't hear this from me . That stringy lookin ' guy in room 6c ? Yeah . Poor bastard can 't poop . " A couple hours later , Steve came back . " Dude , where 's my food ? " I asked , the second he came through the door . " I gotta eat something so I can poop for the nice lady . " I wasn 't sure what a swallow test was . Is it a written test ? No , oral would make more sense . I wasn 't sure what sort of specialist they needed to round up , or why . I just wanted some food ; I wasn 't auditioning for a porno . " I swallow all the time , " I said . " In fact , I just swallowed a few minutes ago . I ate some stale crackers out of my wife 's coat pocket and even drank some tap water without any problems . " At this point , I was pissed . " If I don 't get some food , I 'm gonna walk out of here and go to Starbucks across the street and buy one of their shitty , overpriced sandwiches , " I said . " I 'm serious . " He just shrugged and said , " Well , if you happened to get some food somehow and happened to eat it while I wasn 't watching , I 'd probably never even know . " After my wife left , I was killing some time screwing around with my phone and watching TV , and they came and got me again . " Time for your MRI , " the new female nurse said . This was at about 10 : 30 at night , and the hospital was more akin to a morgue at that point . She wheeled me through the dark , mostly barren hallways to a room in the basement . This is it , I thought . This is when I disappear . This was a long MRI . The longest I 've ever had , since they were doing both my neck and my head . I think I actually fell asleep for a while , which , if you 've ever had an MRI , is actually pretty impressive since it makes incredibly loud noises while you 're in the machine . Picture someone holding your head down next to a blender that someone else is throwing rocks into and hitting the Pulse button every two seconds for 45 minutes , and you 'll be pretty close . After the MRI , they wheeled me back up to my room , and surprise ! It was full of people , and there was a party going on . All on behalf of my new roommate , Walter . I only know this because six of his relatives kept saying his name at the top of their lungs , because poor old Walter was almost deaf and they were trying to get him to respond . They had drawn the curtain between the beds , so I only glimpsed him as I passed by , since the bulk of the opening to his half of the room had been blocked by his relatives . The poor guy was a mess . Over the course of about an hour , I pieced together that he had suffered a stroke a year ago , and was in the hospital now for an apparent fall and the obligatory busted hip . He couldn 't talk , he couldn 't feed himself , hell - - he could barely move , and all he could do was make these gargling , hissing sounds with his throat . Just kill me at that point . Put me out of my misery . By this time it was almost midnight , and the nurses were kicking his family out . As they were leaving , one of the guys there to visit him stopped for a second at my curtain and looked in at me . " If I were you , " he said , " I 'd try to go to sleep before he does , because he snores pretty good . " Then he left . " Snores pretty good " was kind of an understatement . His snoring sounded like someone was sucking up a bathtub full of jello with a shop vac . And the worst part of it was that he 'd snore loud enough to wake himself up , and then he 'd have a coughing fit . A wet , juicy , coughing fit . At one point I was pretty sure he actually died , but then he took in a great , gasping breath and it started over again . And in addition to Old Walter 's snoring and coughing , he kept rolling over on his IV which immediately caused an alarm to sound . An alarm that was very similar to the sound a truck makes when it backs up , and almost as loud . Did I mention that Old Walter was almost deaf ? Yeah , it didn 't bother him in the slightest . He snored and snorted and gargled right through it . I decided to get ready for bed anyway , so I got up and looked around for some bathroom - type stuff . I hadn 't planned on an overnight when we had left for the ER , so I had nothing with me at all . On the shelf across from the bed I finally saw what I was looking for . On one end of the shelf was a small container holding a comb , a tooth brush , and a tiny bottle of mouthwash . On the other end of the shelf was a box of tissues and a small bottle of lotion . It was like , " Hey , if the date doesn 't work out , don 't worry , we got you covered . " I brushed my teeth , went to bed and thought I 'd at least try to get some sleep but didn 't hold out much hope . I was lying in a bed that was actively trying to dislodge me , I was so hungry I was digesting my own stomach , and Walter kept alternating between rolling over on his IV and trying to cough up his own asshole . I think someone should write down this sleep deprivation technique so the CIA spooks can use it at Gitmo . Somehow - - probably out of sheer exhaustion - - I must have dozed off in spite of all this . It wasn 't meant to last , however . At 3 A . M . , I was rudely awakened by a giant , bald black dude shaking my arm and yelling at me , with his face about six inches from mine . " MY NAME IS RANDOLPH AND I ' M GOING TO TAKE YOUR BLOOD ! " Just like that , a single string of 100 decibel words , in a complete monotone . You could tell he was used to taking blood from old deaf people . " What ? Why ? You need more blood ? They just took it , " I said , groggily . " MY NAME IS RANDOLPH AND I ' M GOING TO TAKE YOUR BLOOD ! " he repeated , which cleared things up completely . " You don 't have to yell , I 'm not deaf . " He didn 't say anything in response , but at least he didn 't tell me his name and mission again . Instead , he just held my arm down , jabbed me with a needle , filled up a couple vials , then left . I never saw him again . In retrospect , I 'm not even sure he worked for the hospital . At that point , I was so tired , I didn 't care what he did . He could have cut my wrist open and drained it into a bucket and told me he was letting the evil spirits out , and I wouldn 't have given a shit . At least he didn 't come in and say , " MY NAME IS RANDOLPH AND I ' M HERE TO GIVE YOU A SWALLOW TEST ! " Thank god for small favors . I woke up pretty early , after grabbing a couple hours of sleep in the reclining chair . The bed had defeated me sometime shortly after my three A . M . rendezvous with Randy . Around four A . M . I had just unplugged the fucking thing because I couldn 't stand listening to it any longer . It deflated sadly one last time and I moved to the recliner and didn 't look back . By the time 9 A . M rolled around , I was really , really hungry . Luckily my wife showed up shortly after with a couple of danishes and a cup of coffee . I was still officially waiting for a swallow test , so they said the weren 't going to give me any breakfast . I ate the danishes and awaited the rest of my probing . While we waited , they brought breakfast around . Even Old Walter got some breakfast , but we didn 't think he liked it . The curtain was drawn so we couldn 't see what was going on but from what we could gather , they were trying to feed him , and he was having none of it . It was then that it hit me . I finally realized why Old Walter 's grunting and groaning and hissing sounded so familiar . Behind the curtain , there was a poor old guy whose health issues made me feel really bad for him and his family . I wouldn 't wish his poor health on my worst enemy . But when you couldn 't actually see him , what you pictured was this : Old Walter was a Walker . And he was strapped down and pissed . I leaned over to my wife and said , " Walter sounds exactly like a walker , " and from then on , we couldn 't keep a straight face . The nurse said , " Walter , honey , you have to eat your peaches . Don 't just move them around in your mouth . Swallow them ! " and Walter would hiss and gargle and spit his food and I immediately leaned over to my wife and whispered , " You can 't teach a zombie to eat peaches . No way . Complete waste of time . " At one point , Walter got a little feisty and he bit down on his spoon and started hissing like a cat . " Walter ! Let go of the spoon ! " one of the nurses said . " He won 't let go of it until you stop trying to feed him peaches , " someone else said . Watch your fingers , I thought . Don 't get too close . I 'm going to burn in hell , I know . But at that point , I wasn 't sure what the hell was wrong with me , and I tend to alleviate stress with dark humor in a situation like that . Shortly before 11 A . M . they came and got me and took me down for the ultrasound of my neck arteries . That was relatively quick , and I was back in my room inside of an hour . Old Walter 's visitors were gone , and the nurses who had been trying to feed him peaches he didn 't want were gone too , so other than the random beeping of Walter lying on his IV again , all was quiet . We were waiting for the echo when the neurologist came in , and gave us the news . " We didn 't find anything , " he said . " All your tests appeared normal , and at this point we think your original diagnosis was correct and you had a migraine . Sometimes aphasia can happen with a migraine , but it 's better to be sure it wasn 't something more serious , since as far as you know , this never happened before . I still want you to have the echocardiogram , but you can schedule that somewhere else and just send the results to your primary GP . I do want you to take a baby aspirin a day , though , because people with migraines have a slightly elevated risk of strokes . Just a preventative measure . I 'll put in the paperwork and get you discharged ASAP . " And with that , he shook my hand and was gone . ASAP wasn 't all that quick , and it took another three hours of ineptness before they finally cleared me for takeoff , but that was it . I walked out of there a free man . Sure , I had more than my share of radiation , and I knew that all those tests were going to cost me , but at least I knew my headache was just a headache . I 'm sure you 've all seen the video of the CBS reporter Serene Branson - - but here 's a good summary if you want to know more about this weirdness . So it cost $ 27 , 543 . 00 to get a bottle of baby aspirin . Worth it ? Who knows . My wife thinks yes . I 'm still on the fence . P . S . - If I 'm ever talking to you and I sheetrock candlewax , just know that I spandex orangutang . * Kind of the same thing that happens if you stare at Nancy Pelosi for more than 30 seconds . That may be total BS , but on the other hand , the vision thing might be the first symptom of turning to stone , so I haven 't been willing to chance it . Also kids , don 't do that shit . It can 't be good for your eyeballs . * * A good drinking game is to watch an episode of House and drink a fifth of scotch every time someone says " Sarcoidosis . " OK , maybe it 's not a great drinking game , but you 'll still get drunk . Another version is to watch Bones and drink whenever someone says " phalanges , " or if you really want to get drunk fast , watch Law & Order and drink every time someone says " unsub . " This is some quick background on it , written by my friend Mark , who happens to be a brilliant photographer . He uses film and develops it himself and makes his own prints for god 's sake . Check out some of his stuff while you 're over there . Did you hear about the two geniuses who tasered a guy and stole a Stradivarius violin worth five million dollars and then stuck it in a suitcase and hid it in a friend 's attic ? First off , WTF were these guys thinking ? Did they think they were going to just walk into Rudy 's Pawn Shop and Paycheck Loans and walk out with a few million in loose 20 's ? Secondly , if you were convicted in 2000 and did five years in prison because you stole a sculpture worth twenty - five grand back in 1995 and got caught because you tried to sell it back to the guy you stole it from , you might be looking for a new partner . A smarter partner . Dare I say , a partner with some Knowledge ? And really , if you 're going to partner up with someone like that , you 'd probably feel pretty safe going with a guy named Universal Knowledge Allah , am I right ? I mean , the dude has got to know what he 's doing when it comes to , well , just about everything , having such a humble yet descriptive moniker . But unfortunately for both of them , Universal Knowledge Allah did not live up to his name , and while the plan to steal the violin actually worked , the plan to stay out of jail after the fact did not . Just goes to show you that sometimes a little Knowledge can be a dangerous thing . I 'm sorry . That was horrible . Try the veal . Yort : " There 's a new animated Batman coming out soon . They 're not using Conroy , I have no idea why . They keep trying out new voices . " Yort : " I know . Oh , and I guess there 's a new Robin . Supposedly he 's the son of Batman and Ra 's al Ghul 's daughter . " Me : " More than one ? There 's been like , a half dozen . Robins are like Lassie . When one dies , they get another one that looks just like him . " Yort : " Right , they get hit by cars , or when they get old , he just puts them to sleep . " Me : " Poor old Robin . He was fine until he got around other Robins , and then he got mean , so we had to put him down . I 'd rather he just put them out to pasture . I can totally see a flock of Robins just running through the fields , capes flapping . . . it 's nice . Peaceful . " In other news , I showed the UPS guy my junk tonight . Well , it 's not like I answered the door naked , but we have a psycho cat that can hear someone peeing from a thousand yards away , no matter what else is going on . The music could be blaring , my wife could be vacuuming , the cat could be downstairs in the basement , it doesn 't matter . As soon as pee stream hits water , the goddamn cat is right outside the door meowing like it 's his job . Allow me to translate : " OH MY GOD ! LET ME IN ! I ' M DYING OUT HERE ! SOMEONE IS PEEING AND I AM NOT WITNESSING THIS MIRACLE ! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING ! OH CHRIST , OH CHRIST , THEY ' RE ALMOST DONE ! I ' M MISSING IT ! I ' M MISSSSIINNNNNNNNG IT ! " and the whole time , he 's bouncing off the door , reaching under it with his paws , trying to gain admission to what he apparently considers The Wonderful World Of Pee . It 's completely ridiculous . So tonight , I went in there to do my business and as soon as I started peeing the cat starts banging up against the door and meowing like someone is sticking a hot fork up his ass . I must not have closed the door tightly because the next thing I know it 's swinging wide open and the cat is in . Unfortunately for me , and most definitely unfortunately for the UPS guy , when the door is wide open , it faces the window on the front of the house . I look up to yell at the cat and I see headlights , and then the silhouette of someone walking toward the front steps . And I 'm just standing there with my dingus hanging out , peeing , while the cat goes crazy around my feet . A second later , the doorbell starts ringing . Luckily , I didn 't have to sign for anything and so when I didn 't answer , the driver dropped the package on the porch and got back in his truck and drove away before there could be any awkwardness . Or rather , any more awkwardness . Because once your UPS guy sees you pee , I 'm pretty sure you can 't go back to the way things were . By You know what 's bad ? When you 're washing machine drains and all the water floods backward in the pipes and starts coming up in your kitchen sink drain . You know what 's worse ? When this water contains black hunks of rancid food and grease that smells like a dead rhinoceros and quite probably dates back to the early 1990 's . I swear to god , one chunk of grease had a mullet and was wearing a Member 's Only jacket . So that 's what I walked into when I agreed to take a look at my wife 's grandfather 's plumbing issue . His major complaints were : ( 1 ) His sink took ten minutes to drain . ( 2 ) He couldn 't do a load of wash on anything but the lowest water setting . Anything else would cause the sink to overflow . Even on low , it still came up to the point where the only thing keeping it in the sink was surface tension and stink . At first I thought he just had a minor plug . I filled up the washing machine , then gave my wife two drinking glasses . I put a wet paper towel down over each drain in the sink then had her stick the glasses over each drain . " Just hold them there , " I said . " Press down as hard as you can . I 'm going to use the back pressure from the washing machine pump to blow out the clog . " I put the washing machine on the drain cycle and the water started going down . An instant later , my wife says , " It 's coming up ! It 's coming up ! Oh my God , it 's so gross ! " " Hold the glasses down ! " I yelled , as I looked behind the washing machine to make sure the hose going into the drain pipe wasn 't spraying water or leaking . It was still in there tight , so I turned back to the sink to help her . At the point where the water reached the top of the drinking glasses , she had given up and let go , preferring to have a flooded kitchen versus being up to her elbows in soupy , horrible smelling sludge . Luckily there was a plastic pitcher nearby so I started bailing and running for the door , throwing the rancid water outside , narrowly avoiding a spill - over . I really have no good way to describe how bad this water smelled . I would rather be dipped in raw sewage than whatever this was coming up out of the drain . That 's how bad it was . It coated the back of your nose and throat and stayed there like a film , and even chewing gum couldn 't get rid of it . You wanted to wash your mouth out with boiling water . At that point her grandfather piped up and said , " Frank tried to snake that drain yesterday and he also put Drano down there and he didn 't have any luck . " That , as they say , would have been good info to have going in . To give you a better idea of the fuckedupedness of this entire plumbing set up , let me take a little timeout to tell you about plumbing jobs that are done by " a guy I know . " This guy , who is apparently the official contractor of every old Italian in New York , works really cheap . Sometimes , he even works for beer , or for wine , or because you 're Jimmy 's cousin and he owes Jimmy a favor . So the conversations usually go like this : " That 's crazy ! " the other Italian will say . " Let me call I guy I know . " Now , even though " a guy I know " will know jackshit about roofing , and his sole claim to roofing expertise is having once watched an episode of This Old House where they gave a quick review of a shingle install , he will gladly give you a price . He will use child labor and cousin labor and maybe even homeless and / or illegal alien labor , but he will come up with a price closer to $ 5 , 000 . Assuming , of course , that you pay him in cash and give him $ 2 , 500 up front for supplies . Apparently , $ 2 , 500 is the standard amount in a case like this , because over time it has been established as the maximum amount of money that any Italian over the age of 60 will just hand over to any other Italian , no questions asked , on simply a handshake and a promise . I was done for the day . I thought about calling RotoRooter , but from looking up prices on the Internet , I knew they were going to charge a fortune and then tell him that the whole thing should be redone . They 'd be right , of course , but I figured I could rent a power snake and at least get a few more years out of it . I had a vacation day the next day , so I went home and regrouped . The first thing I did was call Lowes and try to line up a snake rental for the next day , but it turns out they are first come , first serve . The second thing I did was call my wife 's brother , Chuck , and get him to agree to help me do this thing . Then I collected my tools , my respirator ( I was not breathing that shit again ) , my rubber gauntlet gloves and some work clothes , and put them all in a bag . I knew this was going to get messy . I even told Chuck to wear old clothes and be prepared . He said he 'd meet me at Lowes the next day at 8 : 00am and we 'd pick up the rental snake and any other plumbing supplies we needed . The next day we met up at the store and , after looking at all the equipment , decided to get the 50 ft hand - powered snake , because the guy at the rental place told us that the electric power snake was more for 3 - 4 " pipe and would " tear up one and a half inch PVC like an angry beaver , " and as far as I know , nobody wants an angry beaver . A broken drain pipe inside the wall would mean major repairs , so I was all about avoiding that . And also , angry beavers . We figured we could go easy with the manually cranked snake , and do it from both ends of the pipe and in that way clear any clogs in between . We carried the snake out to the car , tossed it in the back of his pickup truck and drove over to his grandfather 's house . We were working in close quarters , and there wasn 't much room under the sink , so I volunteered to feed the snake while he cranked . I disconnected the drain and fed the head of the snake into the pipe , and slowly , over the next twenty minutes or so , we fed the entire 50 feet into the pipe , turning it constantly to try to " Yeah , let 's run some hot water through it and see if the sink drains any better , " I said . So we ran the faucet , and at first it looked good . Then after a minute or so , the sink slowly started to back up . I turned it off again , and over the next few minutes the sink drained again . So wherever the clog was , we felt certain it wasn 't in the first half of the pipe . We went down into the basement to check out the rest of the pipe . It was fastened to the wall in two places , and looked like this : The pipe was literally sagging in between the brackets holding it up . The Christmas garland my wife hung on our porch railing didn 't hang as low as this pipe was hanging . Hell , her grandfather 's balls probably weren 't hanging as low as this pipe was hanging , and he 's 94 years old . It was heavy with water . Pregnant with water . I grabbed onto a section of it and wiggled it , and it was like trying to move a full fire hose . Clearly , this meant the clog had to be in this section , probably in the last six feet , near the vertical drop . " Maybe we should cut it , " I said , cautiously . Chuck agreed , and I stood on a chair with my power saw , and started cutting , prepared for the worst . I wasn 't prepared for what actually happened , which was absolutely nothing . I cut through the pipe and only a tiny trickle of water came out . We had an industrial mop bucket on wheels - - one of those big yellow bastards . We had positioned it under the pipe just in case , but we barely needed it . I pulled the pipe away from the wall and grabbed a flashlight to look inside . It looked like one of Marlon Brando 's arteries in there . Almost the entire circumference of the pipe was packed full of rancid grease , with just a tiny , 1 / 2 " opening in the center for the water to move through . That 's why it was taking so long to drain , and why the washing machine was backing up into the sink . There wasn 't enough room in there for the volume of water it was trying to push through it . Now we had to decide our next move . Chuck said , " Put the washing machine on for a few seconds , and I 'll tell you if anything comes out . That 'll tell us if the plug is upstream or downstream from here . I 'll just make sure anything that comes out goes into the mop bucket . " I went upstairs to the washing machine and put it in the fill cycle . When it was full , I moved it to the drain cycle and yelled , " READY ? " " GO AHEAD ! " Chuck yelled back , and I pulled the knob and let it drain for a couple of seconds , then pushed it back in again . " ANYTHING ? " I yelled . " NOPE , NOTHING YET ! " came the reply . I did it again , this time for five or six seconds . " HOW BOUT NOW ? " " NOPE , STILL NOTHING ! " I walked back down to the basement . I didn 't have a good feeling about this . I had visions of the snake pushing one of the PVC pipe joints apart . " Did we break the pipe ? " I asked Chuck . " Are we pumping water into the wall cavity somewhere ? " He looked a little sick . " Jeez , I hope not , " he said . " Don 't tell Papa , he 'll go nuts . " We stood there for a few more minutes , watching the pipe drip into the bucket , thinking . Mostly about where we could find a plumber and sheetrock guy on such short notice . " OK , I 'm going to go back upstairs and let it run for a few more seconds , " I said . I didn 't know what that would accomplish , but I figured if we were pumping water into the wall somewhere , we would have to pump enough of it to figure out where the break was in order to repair it . I went back upstairs to the washing machine and I pulled out the knob again , and this time I let it run for almost 20 seconds , which basically drained the basin and started the spin cycle . I turned it off again and headed toward the basement stairs . When I got about half way there , I heard Chuck screaming , " TURN IT OFF ! TURN IT OFF ! OH MY GOD ! " and I ran down the stairs just in time to hear a sound I hope I never have to hear again . Remember when you were in grade school and someone puked ? This was almost identical to the sound vomit makes when it hits the floor , except it was ten times louder and seemed to go on forever . I got to the bottom of the stairs just in time to see Chuck give the mop bucket a kick in the general direction of the pipe and dive away as gallons of something with the consistency of watery oatmeal mixed with curdled milk poured out of the pipe and onto the floor , coating the bucket and everything within four feet of the wall in a thick coating of greasy , nasty , half - liquid paste . He was gagging again , and still trying to tell me to turn it off . " It IS off ! " I told him through my respirator as he dry - heaved and chuffed like a cat about ready to gack up the world 's largest hairball . The smell was overwhelming , and we rushed to open the basement windows as the horrible grey gruel finally trickled to a stop . There 's a full gallon of water in 10 feet of 1 . 5 " pipe . I did the math . Or rather , I Googled it and someone on Ask . com did the math . That 's roughly six gallons of putrid nastiness that we had just blasted all over the floor of the basement . We were trying not to step in it , because not only did it stink to high heaven , it was also a death trap because it was so slippery . " We need to replace that entire section of pipe , " Chuck said his voice muffled on account of his face being buried in the crook of his arm . He pointed at the rest of what was hanging from the wall . " Maybe we can cut it off and feed it through the basement window . " That seemed like a pretty good idea , so I grabbed my saw and chopped into the pipe over at the other end , by the vertical section it tied into . I quickly stuffed a rag into my end as he did the same to his , and we disconnected it from the wall . It was so heavy it took both of us to lift it and get it through the window . It was basically a 30 foot long tube of grease . He went outside and started pulling on it as I pushed from inside . When it was finally out , I came upstairs and we sent my wife to the auto parts store for some oil spill absorbent . That was the only thing that even had a shot of cleaning up the mess . We were going to go buy another section of pipe but we figured we could try to clean this one out first . We started by running the hose into the end , trying to let the water do its thing , but that didn 't work . All it did was shoot gruel out of the end like some kind of white diarrhea , but it wasn 't touching the grease caked on the walls . I had an idea . " Let 's use the hose itself . I 'll tie a rag around the end , and I 'll push it through and the rag should scrape the sides clean while the water pushes the crap out . " It sounded good , so we gave it a shot . I tied a rag tightly around the hose so no water could come back toward me and started jamming the hose into the pipe . Chuck was holding onto the other end , trying to make sure the gunk that came out was evenly dispersed across the lawn , so his grandfather wouldn 't notice it . I couldn 't help but laugh when the pipe started disgorging its disgusting contents . At first it came out like a four - foot - long sausage made of cottage - cheese , and then it sputtered and started vomiting chunks of what looked like hammered up bars of ivory soap onto the lawn . Yeah , that won 't be noticeable , I thought . You could see it from space . Chuck was making that " urk , urk " sound again , because even though we were outside , the stench was fearsome . Pretty soon we were both laughing our asses off even as our eyes watered , wondering how the hell it had come to this . After I pulled the hose back out , we were trying to figure out how to tell if the pipe was clean enough to reuse . The hose was also now coated in a thick , greasy slime . One problem at a time , as they say . Did I just hear that ? I thought . He didn 't seriously suggest that , did he ? I started to say something , but then I just couldn 't . I had to let this one play out . " OK , " I said , not trusting myself to say anything else . We picked up the pipe and I held my end up over my head , trying to point it in the general direction of the sun , and also trying not to laugh . Chuck put his end up to his eye , and I think he realized what was about to happen a split second before it was too late . He was quick enough to not get it directly in the face , but the chunky oatmeal poured out of the end and hit him full in the chest . He dropped the pipe on the ground , looked down in disgust at his oozing sweatshirt , looked up at me and said , " That was pretty stupid . " After that , it was all over but the clean up . We went back into the basement to spread the oil absorber all over everything we could get to . We used a couple of rubber couplers to reconnect the pipe , after cutting about 16 inches off the vertical part so at least we could get proper pitch to the section of pipe we had access to . Then we tested it out . The sink drain worked perfectly , and even the washing machine worked without backing up into the sink , although it still made sounds like a large wild animal puking . I swear , I couldn 't get that smell out of my nose for a week . Next time , I 'm calling a plumber . No matter what it costs , it 'll be worth it . I once joked about starting a plumbing company with my buddy Yort and calling it , " Everything But Poop , Inc . " As of today , I 'm totally adding grease to that list .
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2006 , 2007 and 2008 was when . . . . . . . . . when we got a job . . . . . . . . . when we passed out of college . . . . when we made new amazing friends . . . . . when some of us moved to a new city . . . . . When some of us celebrated our 21st - 25thbirthdays . . . . . When we waved good bye to our buddies leaving to the states for higher studies . . . when some of us fell in love . . . . . . . . when some of us fell out of lovewhen some of us got hurtwhen some of your ' friends ' screwed up your love life … when some ' one ' you liked , did not like ' you ' … . when we would have made mistakeswhen we made life decisions . . . . . . . when these decisions turned out to be a tragedywhen some of us felt lonely . . . . when some of us made an amazing friends in a new citywhen some of us would have learnt to be stronger . . . . . when some of us would have realized that everything happens for a reason . . . . . when some of us let out our anger . . . . . when some of us never opened up to our friends about how we felt . . . . when some of us felt so glad and happy to be the way they are . . . . . when we go out everyday and meet up with our friends . . . when we had serious talks with our dad about our future . . . . . when we missed each other when we were at hometown ……… . . when we missed our mom here … . . when we cried for each other …… . When we celebrated our first Christmas with our friends … . When we were jobless all the time in office …… . . When we walked around the streets late in the night …… When we put budget for the next month ( but strictly not following it ) Last year has taken us through all our ups and downs we faced in our life . . . 2009 . . . . . . . one more year . . . . . A year to . . . . To find our life partner ( might be ) to forget old crushes … to smile . . . . . . . . to let people know how much u care . . . to learn from our mistakes . . . . . . . to cry when we are feeling down . . . . . to follow our dreams . . . . . . . to fight against everything for our dreams to come true . . . . . to be more confident . . . . . . . . . to be more strong at heart and mind . . . . . to enrich our knowledge . . . . . . . . . to make others happy . . . . Lets take each day as it comes . . . . Wednesday , December 24 , 2008 The festival of Christmas has a special importance in every one 's life . What I feel is , Christmas is becomes a part of all religions and universal festival . I have seen that people from all religions are celebrating Christmas with same spirit . Christmas celebrates humanity , mankind , support and spread message of love , belief and brother hood . Year 2008 was started with lots of hope and we have achieved new benchmark at the beginning of the year . We all know that since last few month whole world is facing economy crashes and still the situation is worst . I hope that coming year 2009 will brings new hopes and success in your life . I pray God to give strong imagination and heart to face all the difficulties . I wish you all Merry Christmas and all the best for coming year . I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday time and great Christmas Eve with your families . We planned a trip of abu on 20th December and we left Ahmadabad at late night nearly 12 : 30 AM . During these two days we all ( me , gaurav , shaileshbhai , dharmendrabhai , vivek , kaka - nileshbhai , chirag , anand , shiddharth , bhargav and rajesh ) enjoyed a lot . It was such a wonderful trip , we had a wonderful time together . I will never forget this trip for my lifetime . Here i have embed a small video to share with all my friends and family . this is just a part of our journey . I thanks to all my friends to arrange such a wonderful trip , i hope that we will keep arranging such wonderful trips in the future . A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin ; it was a cold January morning . He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes . During that time , since it was rush hour , it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station , most of them on their way to work . Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing . He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule . A minute later , the violinist received his first dollar tip : a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk . A few minutes later , someone leaned against the wall to listen to him , but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again . Clearly he was late for work . The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy . His mother tagged him along , hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist . Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time . This action was repeated by several other children . All the parents , without exception , forced them to move on . In the 45 minutes the musician played , only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while . About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace . He collected $ 32 . When he finished playing and silence took over , no one noticed it . No one applauded , nor was there any recognition . No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell , one of the best musicians in the world . He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3 . 5 million dollars . Two days before his playing in the subway , Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $ 100 . This is a real story . Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception , taste and priorities of people . The outlines were : in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour : Do we perceive beauty ? Do we stop to appreciate it ? Do we recognize the talent in an uLabels : A man came home from work late , tired and irritated , to find his 5 - year old son waiting for him at the door . SON : ' Daddy , may I ask you a question ? ' DAD : ' Yeah sure , what it is ? ' replied the man . SON : ' Daddy , how much do you make an hour ? ' DAD : ' That 's none of your business . Why do you ask such a thing ? ' the man said angrily . SON : ' I just want to know . Please tell me , how much do you make an hour ? ' DAD : ' If you must know , I make $ 50 an hour . ' SON : ' Oh , ' the little boy replied , with his head down . SON : ' Daddy , may I please borrow $ 25 ? ' The father was furious , ' If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense , then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed . Think about why you are being so selfish . I don 't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities . ' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door . The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy 's questions . How dare he ask such questions only to get some money ? After about an hour or so , the man had calmed down , and started to think : Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 25 . 00 and he really didn 't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy 's room and opened the door . ' Are you asleep , son ? ' He asked . ' No daddy , I 'm awake , ' replied the boy . ' I 've been thinking , maybe I was too hard on you earlier ' said the man . ' It 's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you . Here 's the $ 25 you asked for . ' The little boy sat straight up , smiling . ' Oh , thank you daddy ! ' he yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills . The man saw that the boy already had money , started to get angry again . The little boy slowly counted out his money , and then looked up at his father . ' Why do you want more money if you already have some ? ' the father grumbled . ' Because I didn 't have enough , but now I do , ' the little boy replied . ' Daddy , I havLabels : Monica married Nick this day . At the end of the wedding party , Monica 's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbookwith Rs . 1000 deposit amount . Mother : ' Monica , take this passbook . Keep it as a record of your marriage life . When there 's something happy and memorable happened in your new life , put some money in . Write down what it 's about next to the line . The more memorable the event is , the more money you can put in . I 've done the first one for you today . Do the others with Nick . When you look back after years , you can know how much happiness you 've had . ' Monica shared this with Nick when getting home . They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made . This was what they did after certain time : * 7 Feb : Rs . 100 , first birthday celebration for Nick after marriage * 1 Mar : Rs . 300 , salary raise for Monica * 20 Mar : Rs . 200 , vacation trip to Bali * 15 Apr : Rs . 2000 , Monica got pregnant * 1 Jun : Rs . 1000 , Nick got promoted * . . . . . and so on . . . However , after years , they started fighting and arguing for trivial things . They didn 't talk much . They regretted that they had married the nastiest people in the world . . . . no more love . . . Kind of typical nowadays , huh ? One day Monica talked to her Mother : ' Mom , we can 't stand it anymore . We agree to divorce . I can 't imagine how I decided to marry this guy ! ! ! " Mother : ' Sure , girl , that 's no big deal . Just do whatever you want if you really can 't stand it . But before that , do one thing first . Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day ? Take out all money and spend it first . You shouldn 't keep any record of such a poor marriage . ' Monica thought it was true . So she went to the bank , waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account . While she was waiting , she took a look at the passbook record . She looked , and looked , and looked . Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind . Her eyes were then filled with tears . She left and went home . When she was home , she handed the passbook to Nick , askeLabels : Story told by a man which is most frightening yet thought - provoking experiences of his life . He had been on a long flight . The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on : " Fasten your seat belts . " Then , after a while , a calm voice said , " We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence . Please be sure your seat belt is fastened . " As he looked around the aircraft , it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive . Later , the voice of the announcer said , " We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time . The ! turbulence is still ahead of us . " And then the storm broke . The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines . Lightening lit up the darkening skies , and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean . One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air ; the next , it dropped as if it were about to crash . The man confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him . He said , " As I looked around the plane , I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed . Some were praying . The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm . And then , I suddenly saw a girl to whom the storm meant nothing . She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat and wasreading a book . Everything within her small world was calm and orderly . Sometimes she closed her eyes , then she would read again ; then she would straighten her legs , but worry and fear were not in her world . When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm , when it lurched this way and that , as ! it rose and fell with frightening severity , when all the adults were scared half to death , that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid . " The man could hardly believe his eyes ! . It was not surprising therefore , that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers werTuesday , November 25 , 2008 While Dad was polishing his new car , His 4 yr old son picked stone & scratched lines on the side of the car . In his anger , Dad took the child 's hand & hit it many times , not Realizing he was using a wrench . At the hospital , his child said " Dad when will my fingers grow back ? " Dad was so hurt . He went back to car and kicked it a lot of times . Sitting back he looked at the scratches , child wrote " I LOVE YOU DAD " Anger and Love have no limits ; choose the later to have a beautiful & lovely life . . . . Things are to be used and people are to be loved , But the problem in today 's world is that , People are used and things are loved . . . . . . . An interesting article by Yogesh Chhabria . LATELY , I have been thinking a lot about the Lehman crisis . Spending money that they didn 't have and going beyond their means is one of the main reasons for their situation today . In fact that is the cause for the current economic crisis in the US . When I see all this happening , I can only remember the good old days . Then , karz was bad . People looked down upon those who took loans . Parents would not give their daughter 's hand in marriage to a man with loans . But of course , the times have changed now . Everyone I know has a loan . The buzz word is EMI ( equated monthly installment ) . Today , you can buy everything on EMI - a house , a television , an i - Pod . In fact I know of someone who just bought a fancy BMW 3 series on EMI , instead of buying a cheaper car outright with cash . I mostly prefer to take public transport , but then I am an old man with old thoughts ! Anyway , coming back to what caused the crisis . Imagine having Rs 2 lakh in your bank account , no regular income , yet buying a house worth Rs 65 lakh , in the hope of selling it for a higher price . Even if the price of the house fell by just 5 per cent ( that is Rs 3 lakh ) , you will go bankrupt . This is what Lehman Brothers did ; with around USD 20 billion they went and bought assets worth over USD 600 billion . Isn 't it suicidal and simply foolish ? I am sure things would have been different , had I been the head of Lehman brothers . But who wants an old conservative man like me to head a complex financial institution . But there are a few lessons that we can learn : 1 . Live a balanced life and avoid overspending . 2 . Don 't buy things we don 't need . 3 . Don 't buy Branded good 's . 4 . Don 't buy excess Food , Cloths , Cosmetics , Footwear , electronics and Fashion accuracies just think before you buy . Tip : World still has a lot of growth ahead and the future holds immense opportunities for us . Let us make the most of it and save and invest it wisely instead of wasting our precious little on things we don 't need . 5 . Try to balance life wiLabels : A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him . When the class began , wordlessly , he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls . He then asked the students if the jar was full . They agreed that it was . The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar . He shook the jar lightly . The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls . He then asked the students again if the jar was full . They agreed it was . The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar . Of course , the sand filled up everything else . He asked once more if the jar was full . The students responded with a unanimous " yes . " The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar , effectively filling the empty space between the sand . The students laughed . " Now , " said the professor , as the laughter subsided , " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life . " The golf balls are the important things - your God , family , your children , your health , your friends , and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained , your life would still be full . " The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job , your house , and your car . " The sand is everything else - - the small stuff . " If you put the sand into the jar first , " he continued , " there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls . " The same goes for life . " If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff , you will never have room for the things that are important to you . " Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness . Play with your children . " Take time to get medical checkups . " Take your partner out to dinner . " Play another 18 . " There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal . " Take care of the golf balls first , the things that really matter . " Set your priorities . " The rest is just sand . " One of the students raised her hand and inquired whatLabels : As we try to grow and perfect our lives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller , M . AWhen it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner , no one wants to make a mistake . Yet , with a divorce rate of close to 50 % , it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr . / Miss . Right ! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they 're getting married , they 'll say : " We 're in love " . I believe this is the # 1 mistake people make when they date . Choosing a life partner should never be based on love . Though this may sound " not politically correct " , there 's a profound truth here . Love is not the basis for getting married . Rather , love is the result of a good marriage . When the other ingredients are right , then the love will come . Let me say it again : " You can 't build a lifetime relationship on love alone " . You need a lot more ! ! ! Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you 're serious about finding and keeping a life partner . QUESTION 1 : Do we share a common life purpose ? Why is this so important ? Let me put it this way : If you 're married for 20 or 30 years , that 's a long time to live with someone . What do you plan to do with each other all that time ? Travel , eat and jog together ? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful . You need a common life purpose . Two things can happen in a marriage : ( 1 ) You can grow together , or ( 2 ) You can grow apart . 50 % of the people out there are growing apart . To make a marriage work , you need to know what you want out of life ! Bottom line ; and marry someone who wants the same thing . QUESTION 2 : Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person ? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship . Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person . The basis of having good communication is trust - i . e . trust that I won 't get " punished " ; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings . A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someonLabels : History does have its lessonsBe sure to read all the way to the end . . . . . it 's worth it ! Next time someone starts to spread gossip , think of this : In ancient Greece ( 469 - 399 BC ) , Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom . One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said , " Socrates , do you know what I just heard about one of your students ? " Wait a moment , " Socrates replied . " Before you tell me I 'd like you to pass a little test . It 's called the Triple Filter Test . " " Triple filter ? " " That 's right , " Socrates continued . " Before you talk to me about my student let 's take a moment to filter what you 're going to say . The first filter is Truth . Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ? " " No , " the man said , " actually I just heard about it and . . . " " All right , " said Socrates . " So you don 't really know if it 's true or not . Now let 's try the second filter , the filter of Goodness . Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good ? " " No , on the contrary . . . " " So , " Socrates continued , " you want to tell me something bad about him , even though you 're not certain it 's true ? " The man shrugged , a little embarrassed . Socrates continued . " You may still pass the test though , because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness . Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me ? " " No , not really . . . " " Well , " concluded Socrates , " if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful , ! why tell it to me at all ? " The man was defeated and ashamed . This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem . A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage . They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes . When the boy was around two years old , one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open . He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard . His wife , preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter . The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by its color and drank it all . It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages . When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital , where he died . The mother was stunned . She was terrified how to face her husband . When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child , he looked at his wife and uttered just five words . QUESTIONS : 1 . What were the five words ? 2 . What is the implication of this story ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ANSWER : The husband just said " I am with you Darling " The husband 's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behavior . The child is dead . He can never be brought back to life . There is no point in finding fault with the mother . Besides , if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away , this would not have happened . No one is to be blamed . She had also lost her only child . What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband . That is what he gave her . If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective , there would be much fewer problems in the world . " A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step " . Take off all your envies , jealousies , unforgiveness , selfishness , and fears . And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think . MORAL OF THE STORY : This story is really worth reading . . . . . . Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame , whether in a relationship , in a job or with the people we know . By this way we miss out something called L . I . F . E . Labels : Once upon a time in a village , a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10 . The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around , went out to the forest and started catching them . The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish , the villagers stopped their effort . He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20 . This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again . Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms . The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey , let alone catch it ! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50 ! However , since he had to go to the city on some business , his assistant would now buy on behalf of him . In the absence of the man , the assistant told the villagers . Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected . I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you can sell it to him for Rs50 . The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys . Then they never saw the man nor his assistant , only monkeys everywhere ! ! ! Welcome to the Stock Market ! ! One day , a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school , found he had only one thin dime left , and he was hungry . He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house . However , he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door . Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk . He drank it slowly , and then asked , " How much do I owe you ? " " You don 't owe me anything , " she replied " Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness . " He said . . . " Then I thank you from my heart . " As Howard Kelly left that house , he not only felt ; stronger physically , but his faith in God and man was strong also . He had been ready to give up and quit . Years later that young woman became critically ill . The local doctors were baffled . They finally sent her to the big city , where they called in specialists to study her rare disease . Dr . Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation . When he heard the name of the town she came from , a strange light filled his eyes . Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room . Dressed in his doctor 's gown he went in to see her . He recognized her at once . He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life . From that day he gave special attention to the case . After a long struggle , the battle was won . Dr . Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval . He looked at it , and then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room . She feared to open it , for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all . Finally , she looked , and something caught ; her attention on the side as she read these words . . . . . " Paid in full with one glass of milk . " ( Signed ) Dr . Howard Kelly . Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed : " Thank You , GOD that your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands . " A father was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his highly educated son . Suddenly a crow perched on their window . The Father asked his Son , ' What is this ? ' The Son replied ' It is a crow ' . After a few minutes , the Father asked his Son the 2nd time , ' What is this ? ' The Son said ' Father , I have just now told you ' It 's a crow ' . After a little while , the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time , what is this ? ' At this time some ex - pression of irritation was felt in the Son 's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff . ' It 's a crow , a crow ' . A little after , the Father again asked his Son the 4th time , ' What is this ? ' This time the Son shouted at his Father , ' Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again , although I have told you so many times ' IT IS A CROW ' . Are you not able to understand this ? ' A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary , which he had maintained since his Son was born . On opening a page , he asked his Son to read that page . When the son read it , the following words were written in the diary : - ' Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa , when a crow was sitting on the window . My Son asked me 23 times what it was , and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow . I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times . I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child ' . While the little child asked him 23 times ' What is this ' , the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times , the Son felt irritated and annoyed . So . . If your parents attain old age , do not repulse them or look at them as a burden , but speak to them a gracious word , be cool , obedient , humble and kind to them . Be considerate to your parents . From today say this aloud , ' I want to see my parents happy forever . They have cared for me ever since I was a little child . They have always showered their selfleLabels : 1 . Take a 10 - 30 minutes walk every day . And while you walk , smile . . 2 . Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day . 3 . Sleep for 7 hours . 4 . Live with the 3 E 's - - Energy , Enthusiasm , and Empathy . 5 . Play more games . 6 . Read more books than you did in 2007 . 7 . Make time to practice meditation , yoga , and prayer . They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives . 8 . Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6 . 9 . Dream more while you are awake . 10 . Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants . 11 . Drink plenty of water . 12 . Try to make at least three people smile each day . 13 . Don 't waste your precious energy on gossip . 14 . Forget issues of the past . Don 't remind your partner with his / her mistakes of the past . That will ruin your present happiness . 15 . Don 't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control . Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment . 16 . Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn . Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime . 17 . Eat breakfast like a king , lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar . 18 . Smile and laugh more . 19 . Life is too short to waste time hating anyone . Don 't hate others . 20 . Don 't take yourself so seriously . No one else does . 21 . You don 't have to win every argument . Agree to disagree . 22 . Make peace with your past so it won 't spoil the present . 23 . Don 't compare your life to others ' . You have no idea what their journey is all about . Don 't compare your partner with others . 24 . No one is in charge of your happiness except you . 25 . Forgive everyone for everything . 26 . . What other people think of you is none of your business . 27 . However good or bad a situation is , it will change . 28 . Your job won 't take care of you when you are sick . Your friends will . Stay in touch . 29 . Get rid of anything that isn 't useful , beautiful or joyful . 30 . Envy is a waste of time . You already have all you need . 31 . The best is yet to comLabels : Hello everyone , The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5 - year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper . Money was tight and he becomes even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree . Nevertheless , the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said , this is for you daddy . The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction . But his anger flared again when he found the box was empty . He spoke to her in a harsh manner , Don 't you know , young lady , when u give someone a present there 's supposed to be something inside the package ? The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said oh , Daddy , it 's not empty . I blew kisses into it until it was full . The father was crushed . He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl , and be begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger . An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life . And whenever he was discouraged of faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there . In a very real sense , each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kissed from our children , family , friends , and god . There is no more precious possession anyone could hold . I was checking my emails and suddenly i got one mail containing some attachment . I am lazy to download such attachment and see the files but today i thought just let me try . When i started viewing that downloaded videos i was not at my place . You cant believe but it was unbelievable movement . This video " Tum chalo to hindustan chale " is really great . that child and his expression is really great . this video is also great , this inspire us to start what you think . Every thing is possible . A long time ago in China , a girl named Li - Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother - in - law . In a very short time , Li - Li found that she couldn 't get along with her mother - in - law at all . Their personalities were very different , and Li - Li was angered by many of her mother - in - law 's habits . In addition , she criticized Li - Li constantly . Days passed , and weeks passed . Li - Li and her mother - in - law never stopped arguing and fighting . But what made the situation even worse was that , according to ancient Chinese tradition , Li - Li had to bow to her mother - in - law and obey her every wish . All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li - Li 's poor husband great distress . Finally , Li - Li could not stand her mother - in - ! Law 's bad temper and dictatorship any longer , and she decided to do something about it ! Li - Li went to see her father 's good friend , Mr . Huang , who sold herbs . She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all . Mr . Huang thought for awhile , and finally said , " Li - Li , I will help you solve your problem , but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you . " Li - Li said , " Yes , Mr . Huang , I will do whatever you tell me to do . " Mr . Huang went into the back room , and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs . He told Li - Li , " You can 't use a quick - acting poison to get rid of your mother - in - law , because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore , I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body . Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving . Now , in order to make sure that nobody suspects you , when she dies , you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her . " Don 't argue with her , obey her every wish , and treat her like a queen . " Li - Li was so happy . She thanked Mr . Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother - in - law . Weeks went by , and months went by , and every other day , Li - Li served the specially treated fooLabels : A student asks a teacher , " What is love ? " The teacher said , " in order to answer your question , go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back . But the rule is : - you can go through them only once & cannot turn back to pick . " The student went to the field , go thru first row , he saw one bigwheat , but he wonders . . . . may be there is a bigger one later . Then he saw another bigger one . . . but may be there is an even biggerone waiting for him . Later , when he finished more than half of the wheat field , he starts to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw , he knew he has missed the biggest one , and he regretted . So , he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand . The teacher told him , " . . . this is love . . . you keep looking for better ones , but when later you realize , you have already missed the person . . . . " * " What is marriage then ? " the student asked . The teacher said , " in order to answer your question , go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back . But the rule is : you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick . " The student went to the corn field , this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake , when he reach the middle of the field , he has picked one medium sized corn that he felt satisfied , and came back to the teacher . The teacher told him , " this time you bring back a corn . . . . you look for one that is just nice , and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get . . . this is marriage . " A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet , romantic little restaurant . Suddenly , a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said , " For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time , I will grant you each a wish . " " Ooh , I want to travel around the world with my darling husband , " said the wife . The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra ! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands . Now it was the husband 's turn . He thought for a moment and said , " Well , this is all very romantic , but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime , so I 'm sorry , my love , but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me " . The wife , and the fairy , was deeply disappointed , but a wish is a wish . . . So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick , and - abracadabra ! - The husband became 92 years old . [ 1 ] Regular naps prevent old age , especially if you take them while driving . [ 2 ] Having one child makes you a parent ; having two you are a referee . [ 3 ] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband ! [ 4 ] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile . I tried - but they wanted cash . [ 5 ] A child 's greatest period of growth is the month after you 've purchased new school uniforms . [ 6 ] Don 't feel bad . A lot of people have no talent . [ 7 ] Don 't marry the person you want to live with , marry the one you cannot live without , but whatever you do , you 'll regret it later . [ 8 ] You can 't buy love , but you pay heavily for it . [ 9 ] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote . [ 10 ] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired . [ 11 ] Marriage is give and take . You 'd better give it to her or she 'll take it anyway . [ 12 ] My wife and I always compromise . I admit I 'm wrong and she agrees with me . [ 13 ] Those who can 't laugh at themselves leave the job to others . [ 14 ] Ladies first . Pretty ladies sooner . [ 15 ] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times , always with the same person . [ 16 ] You 're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them . [ 17 ] It doesn 't matter how often a married man changes his job , he still ends up with the same boss . [ 18 ] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books . [ 19 ] Saving is the best thing . Especially when your parents have done it for you . [ 20 ] Wise men talk because they have something to say ; fools talk because they have to say something [ 21 ] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak ! [ 22 ] Man : Is there any way for long life ? Dr : Get married . Man : Will it help ? Dr : No , but then the thought of long life will never come . [ 23 ] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding ? It 's a formality just like two boxersshaking hands before the fight begins ! [ 24 ] Wife : Darling today is our anniversary , what should we do ? Husband : Let us stand in silence for 2 mLabels : She is my first and the only love till this point . Her name is Nivedita , a software engineer by profession . She is turning twenty - four shortly and she is undoubtedly the most beautiful girl on earth . I made it a point to share my feelings today with her , hoping this letter would do it all . I have not written any letters in my life till now , and this is perhaps the first time I pen down my thoughts and expectations for the person I love the most on earth . It 's been four years since we met each other and a strong bond has grown between us through these years . I was unaware of her love for a long time . In fact , I hadn 't spoken a word with her till about a year I had seen her for the first time . It was in one long journey in train , I understood her love for me . It happened a year ago . It was a trip from Kanyakumari to Chennai in Kanyakumari Express . We had passed Vizhupuram and it was 3 am in the morning . I thought I was the only one who was awake in the whole compartment in that early hour . But to my surprise , she was also awake . I didn 't know then that it was for me she had got up that early . Hardly had she seemed to move her sight away from me . She smiled at me very often and every time I encountered that cute smile , I started eagerly awaiting the next battle with her smile and shining eyes . Her smile had everything in it , the story of unbelievable affection , care and what not . From that moment , till now , I too have loved her to a great extent . We have never exchanged words about the love we have towards each other , but words are too less to reflect the amount of affection and love we share . I have always thought that the love would remain throughout our life and it happened to be the same till three months back . Vivek had come into my life three months back . In fact I myself had waited his arrival for quite a long time , but from the moment he arrived , he has been the worst enemy in my life . Nivedita and he had grown close over times , and the fraction of time she spent with me got lowered to a great extent . Even the lafunny A little boy went into a drug store , reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone . He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits . The store - owner observed and listened to the conversation : The boy asked , " Lady , Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn ? The woman replied , " I already have someone to cut my lawn . " " Lady , I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now . " replied boy . The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was recently cutting her lawn . The little boy found more perseverance and offered , " Lady , I 'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk , so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida . " Again the woman answered in the negative . With a smile on his face , the little boy replaced the receiver . The store - owner , who was listening to all , walked over to the boy and said , " Son . . . I like your attitude ; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job . " The little boy replied , " No thanks , I was just checking my performance with the job I already have . I am the one who is working for that lady , I was talking to ! " Just doing something is not important , we must keep checking our performance . A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money . Once he isgiven the money , he turns to a customer and asks , " Did you see me robthis bank ? " The man replied , " Yes sir , I did . " The robber then shot him in thetemper , killing him instantly . He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man , " Didyou see me rob this bank ? " The man replied , " No sir , I didn 't , but my wife did ! " A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan . " What was that for ? " the man asked . The wife replied " That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket " . The man then said " When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on " The wife apologized and went on with the housework . Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan , knocking him unconscious . Upon re - gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again . Wife replied . " Your horse phoned . . . . . . " A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet . He held up a sign which said : " I am blind , please help . " There were only a few coins in the hat . A man was walking by . He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat . He then took the sign , turned it around , and wrote some words . He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words . Soon the hat began to fill up . A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy . That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were . The boy recognized his footsteps and asked , " Were you the one who changed my sign this morning ? What did you write ? " The man said , " I only wrote the truth . I said what you said but in a different way . " What he had written was : " Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it . " Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing ? Of course both signs told people the boy was blind . But the first sign simply said the boy was blind . The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind . Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective ? Moral of the Story : Be thankful for what you have . Be creative . Be innovative . Think differently and positively . Invite others towards good with wisdom . Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets . When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry , show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile . Face your past without regret . Handle your present with confidence . Prepare for the future without fear . Keep the faith and drop the fear . Great men say , " Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction , of discarding evil and developing goodness … . In the journey of life , if you want to travel without fear , you must have the ticket of a good conscience . " The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling … And even more beautiful is , knowing that you are the reason behind it ! ! ! Labels :
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I want to tell you a story about Leroy . You will meet his first wife , his mother and his last wife . Life has a way of bringing back what you give to it . " Raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will return to it " states the Bible . I don 't doubt Leroy was loved , but he wasn 't shown . He might have been raised in church , adored by all the members of the church , but being loved for who you are and being worshipped are two very different things in this life . A mother and Father determine the very important things in a child 's life . Sometimes there is only a Mother present , sometimes only a Father . Often the absent parent is the hero because as we know the grass is supposed to be greener on the other side . A Pastor , teachers , friends all play a part in our emotional makeup . How you live , the things you see and imitate determine how you think and feel about life and the role you play in life . It is only later in life that you make up your own mind about how you will believe and things you will accept . It is a sad day when you realize you are the captain of your own ship and your ship is way off course . Some people never admit they alone are responsible for who they are . They spend a lifetime playing the blame game . 13 year old Leroy sat in the front row of the church next to his mother Francis . He was the son of the only mechanic in town . His Father did not come to church . However , his mother was a regular at the Baptist church , every Sunday morning . She made Leroy come with her every time . His father did not participate in Leroy 's life . Leroy didn 't believe in God . He just sat there obediently to please his mother . He learned early to sit still and pretend to listen . He would bow his head in prayer , knowing full well Francis was watching to make sure his eyes were completely closed . Francis would beat him like a stranger if he made one misstep , so he was careful to do what was expected of him . He was everyone 's darling , the perfect little gentleman . All the ladies loved him and showered his mother with praise for raising such a good son . You could already tell at his early age he would be a good looking man . He was honing his skills to impress the ladies even as a little boy . Leroy loved how they praised his every move ! The attention made him seek out opportunities to get all those hugs and praises . He did not get many of those at home . Francis was very strict and not affectionate towards the boy . One Sunday after services , Francis sent Leroy back into the church to get her shawl that she had forgotten from the Sunday school room . Leroy hurried into the room and saw the Reverend Marshall passionately kissing Loretta Glass . This would not have been an issue except that Reverend Marshall was married to Betty Marshall , not Loretta Glass . Loretta was a 16 year old high school girl with huge breast and a behind like a barrel . The reverend 's hands were roaming all over her butt , squeezing it hard as he was kissing her . Leroy stopped quick and stepped out of the room . He bit his lip , unsure of what to do . His heart was beating hard at the reality of what he had just seen . He couldn 't go back without that shawl ; his mother would kill him … so he knocked loudly until someone yelled come in . The Reverend Marshall looked at him suspiciously wondering if he saw anything , " What do you need Leroy ? " " My Mama sent me in to get her shawl she forgot in here sir . It is on that chair right there " pointing to the chair , trying not to make eye contact with the Pastor . The Reverend picked it up and tossed it to Leroy . " Well alright , hurry on back to your Mama and we will see yall next Sunday . " Leroy said " Yes sir " as he ran from the room . He thought about the situation on the walk home . He normally didn 't listen too much to the sermons . Seemed to him that all the Reverend Marshall ever told everyone how they were all going to hell . It was Sunday after Sunday of 3 boring hymns being sung , 35 minutes of the reverend yelling don 't do this and don 't do that , prayers , then the offering baskets would pass by and people would put money into it every service . Leroy thought about it for a minute longer . He noticed that the Reverend only worked 2 days a week , perhaps 3 , if someone died . It didn 't seem like a bad job . He drove a big blue Cadillac and his wife and kids were always well dressed in the latest fashions . They had a beautiful home and everything anyone could hope to want … now it even appeared the Reverend also gets to kiss and fondle the young girls in his congregation . Yes , it looked like an awesome job . Leroy was rethinking his career choices for his future . People in town assumed that Leroy would take over the family business when he grew up ; however , Leroy knew that was far from true . Number one there was no relationship with his father , and number two he had no interest in cars or machines . His brain didn 't seem to work like other people 's brain . He didn 't read too well and his math skills were really bad . Even if he had wanted to learn his father 's trade , his father had no desire to interact with Leroy . He had made that painfully clear to the boy time after time . It was almost like not having a father . Leroy had quit feeling bad about it long ago . It was confusing for him when he was younger because everyone in the town seemed to admire his father so much . How could such a good man abandon his wife and only child ? Leroy never could make sense of it . So he focused on being a good son to his mama . Leroy 's father , Frank , the mechanic , loved his work and had his own shop . It was the only one of its kind in town . He made a lot of money but he did not lavish it on his wife and son . He was a gambler and a drinker . Good at one , bad at the other . He didn 't misbehave in his own town though , he would drive 35 miles north to Clever Springs to give his half of his money to poker players and the other half to a waitress named Deena . He was considered a big spender in that town … had all his party friends call him Luke , instead of Frank . Frank was a total failure in his family . He had abandoned his duties as husband and father after Leroy was born . His own Mother was so disappointed that they didn 't have a girl child that she didn 't want anything to do with her grandson because of her displeasure . " Boys just grow up and disappoint you . " his Mama had said looking through the nursery window at the sleeping child . Frank couldn 't stand all the crying and screaming the kid did . He couldn 't get any rest , because Francis was up and down all night interrupting his sleep . Francis gave all her attention to the baby day and night , then had the nerve to say she was tired when he would come home . He finally washed his hands of the whole situation one day after going out of town to buy supplies . He had happened upon this little juke joint where he met the love of his life . Frank was smart enough not to give up his clientele . He made a fortune cheating folks out of good car parts . Even if nothing was wrong he would find or create something . They trusted him completely . It was pretty sad actually that grown men could be taken advantage of so easily . It was bad enough the defenseless , helpless women could be conned but even the men who didn 't want to get their hands dirty paid dearly at settling up time . But Frank figured , their loss was his tremendous gain . Not only did he replace good parts , he sold the extra used ones or reused them , still charging everyone high prices . The community didn 't realize Frank was a pig , a true swindler and con artist . He took advantage of every single customer that came to his garage door . He was not discriminating ; he cheated them all , equally . To survive , Leroy 's mother Francis took in wash for the local boarding house in town and did seamstress work . She also baby sat 2 children for working parents 5 days a week and was paid to fix meals for the elderly couple that lived next door . Their daughter had approached Francis one day and asked her to keep an eye out for them . " I am concerned for my folks but I have a life too " the daughter complained . Francis knew she rarely saw the daughter there . " My Mom looks so frail ; I don 't think she remembers to eat . " " Well I understand you don 't have time to come very often . I would be willing to help you look after them but you 'd have to pay me $ 40 . 00 a week " Francis stated . The girl looked relieved and said " Oh yes , yes ! That would be great ! " Francis thought she may have not asked enough money because of the girl 's excitement so she added " But for that price you will have to buy the groceries and still pay their bills . " The girl 's forehead wrinkled and said " Let me talk to my husband about how much more we can afford to pay . But honestly any amount would be better than me having to come to town to check on them all the time . " Francis nodded but didn 't smile . " Tell your husband for $ 53 . 00 a week I will take care of both of them , that means buying their groceries and writing out their bills and taking care of the house and laundry . My boy will cut the yard . " The girl nodded and said " Thank you so much . Here is $ 43 . 00 to get you started and I will get you the rest on Friday if that is okay ? " Francis smiled . She wanted to dance in the street . Everyone thought she was just helpful and had a benevolent heart . They didn 't realize she wasn 't volunteering her time or talents . In a time when women didn 't work , Francis was working 4 jobs to keep her and her son eating . Her husband paid the mortgage but gave her no other money ! So she had to get creative to find money to buy groceries and clothing and shoes for Leroy . She loved her son but didn 't smother him with affection because she didn 't want him to get soft , and she also didn 't have the time . Frank had abandoned the family once his mama died . The day he stepped out of their lives , Francis found a dime on the street . She picked it up and put it in her pocket . From that day she collected dimes . Once she got a dollar 's worth she would cash it in for a dollar bill , then five ones for a five dollar bill . Once she saved to a $ 10 . 00 bill she would sew it into a quilt that she had . No one knew the money was in there except Francis . She walked everywhere she went because Frank had the only car and would never allow her to drive it or even ride in it . When he went out of town on Thursday evenings , he did not return until she had left for church on Sunday . The one time she confronted him many years ago , he slapped her so hard it busted her mouth open . She never asked again . Leroy saw the entire thing . He wanted to help his mama but his father had picked up a hammer and said " Come on boy , I 'll smash your ugly melon head in before you can reach me . " Leroy bowed his head , and then knelt down to help his mama off the ground . He was 7 years old . Frank quit having sexual relations with Francis after she got pregnant the second time . He had overheard a conversation Francis had with his mama . Francis had stated " This baby may be a boy too . You should love your grandchildren . They are part of you . Don 't be so mean . " Frank was furious for her talking to his mama like that and didn 't speak to her for 2 days . When Francis was in her second trimester she told her Motherinlaw , " I really feel like this one is going to be another boy . He is pressing on my side like Leroy did ! " Later that night Frank pushed Francis down the stairs on purpose causing her to lose the baby . He told the doctors they both were at the top of the stairs and he had felt dizzy , lost his balance and accidently fell into her . The doctors never called the Sheriff about the incident because the husband said it was an accident . The baby was a girl . There was no funeral for the baby . Francis never told anyone that Frank actually smiled at her before pushing her down the stairs . After that " accident " was when Frank 's Mother died in her sleep . Immediately Frank discovered a new life in Clever Springs . He could be a big man in another town ! Even though he was barely 5 ' 2 , people there looked up to him . All the money he threw around bought him popularity and friends . He was free to drink and laugh . There was no one to argue with him . As a matter of fact , he believed he loved Deena , a sweet little waitress . She absolutely refused to run away with him . He loved buying her expensive gifts and she was so grateful when she received them . Deena was beautiful unlike that homely moose looking woman at his home . He shuddered to think of Francis . She was a cold fish . The day his Mother died she had fixed a huge meal as if she was celebrating and she had the nerve to smile and be almost giddy ; that was the day he knew he hated her . His mother had lived with them and yes Francis had taken care of her to her last day but that 's what wives are supposed to do . He still wasn 't sure if Francis had helped his mother to die . He had a nightmare the night of the funeral that she put a pillow over his defenseless mother 's face and smothered her to death . It could have been a message from his mama , from the grave . After that dream he never trusted Francis again , couldn 't stand the sight of her . If he had wanted to have sex with her it would have been just to punish her and " of course the cow would probably get pregnant again on purpose " Leroy thought to himself . Just the thought was revolting enough to make him despise her . He didn 't know she would survive the push he gave her down the stairs . It was just dumb luck that she lived . A concussion , a broken leg and broken arm was all she got for probably killing his poor mama . He had to keep the mechanic shop open to pay for his other life and he so slept on a cot in the shop . He could never be unfaithful to Deena , not even with his legal wife . He cringed at the thought … he wouldn 't touch Francis with another man 's tool . She disgusted him . Besides , Deena gave him everything he needed . She was a real woman and knew how to make him feel like the only man in the world ! They danced to the local bands , ate the finest food . It was pure magic . He hated to leave her but he had to come back weekly and make his money . This arrangement worked out for Deena too , as she had family she spent time with while Frank was away . As long as Frank paid the $ 39 . 00 mortgage on the house , Francis managed to get by so he never questioned her . And she kept his secret that he had disengaged from his family years ago and was living a double life . Frank knew it wasn 't love that made her keep his secret , it was fear . Fear of the community discovering she was a murderer . He just knew in his heart , she had probably killed his mama . Sometimes Frank wondered if old moose face had a man on the side . He hadn 't handed her money in years , yet the lights stay on , there was always food on the table , and she and the kid were always dressed nice . He would walk thru the house on Sundays while she was a church just to see if anything was missing , but nothing was ever out of place or unkempt . Sometimes he would look through papers and look for photographs anything to prove she was cheating on him so he could beat her , then divorce her . But there was never any sign of anything in the wrong . When guilt would creep into his mind , he would just remind himself of his poor Mama , and the hatred for Francis would return . Francis and Leroy were alone most of the Leroy 's life . Frank didn 't speak to or interact with them when he was home . He would get a plate of food and take it to the shop to eat , or sometimes never come inside , and then go to sleep on a cot at the garage . He had a television and a radio in the shop and a bathroom , so he had no desire to come inside . He had never seen a report card for Leroy , a light bill for the house , nothing about that house interested him . He had 3 more years and the house would be paid for . Hopefully Deena would agree to marry him before then . Leroy could not become the man of the house . He was not smart and learned slower than most . However , he had a charismatic personality and learned early to be a charmer . His teachers at school would always choose Leroy to run errands to get out of class . I guess they didn 't realize by pampering him they were all depriving him of an education . If he said he didn 't feel well , usually on test days , he was excused to the nurse 's office , no questions asked . The nurse would let him lay down in a dark room until his illness passed to go to the next class . He could convince most women to give in to him . He learned that at any early age . He just didn 't know what he wanted yet . Leroy 's life had been centered around church but he considered it a chance to show off his singing talent . He still didn 't believe in God but he could perform and sing worship songs that would make people throw themselves at the altar and give their life to Jesus . He put on a great show , just as he discovered Reverend Marshall did . " There was no way Reverend Marshall could believe all that stuff he preached and be kissing a 16 year old girl " Leroy thought to himself with a grin . At 16 he really began noticing girls and noticed that they made him feel stupid and awkward . One girl in particular Claire Smyler caught his attention . He carried her books and brought her flowers that he picked for her nearly every day for a month . He liked her but something inside him wanted her to be his girlfriend . Claire was liked by everyone . She was friendly and easy to talk to . She had a younger sister and her mother and father both worked long hours at a local print shop that they owned . Claire was involved in all types of extra activities at school and church . She enjoyed staying busy and helping other . Leroy went out of his way to get her to notice him . He would bump into her on purpose , apologize then smile that beautiful smile . She liked his looks instantly . His blue eyes were piercing and his brown hair was dark . He was quiet handsome . It wasn 't long before they were boyfriend and girlfriend , to the dismay of other teenager boys who loved her from a distance and many teenage girls who secretly liked Leroy . Claire talked so much and Leroy had to pretend to listen so he could kiss her . He loved kissing her . His body would react to the kisses , making him feel funny , in a good way . It took almost a year , but eventually she made him promise he would marry her if she let him explore her body . He agreed to anything and everything just for a chance to become a man . Claire was beautiful with hair so blonde it looked white and huge green eyes . If he had believed in angels he would have thought she was one . He wasn 't in love with her ; however , he was obsessed with having her near him . Only he had the right to touch her body and she let him boss her around and make decisions for them both . They had spoke of their future . He wanted to be a Reverend and she wanted to work at for a dentist . The first time they had sex , she hadn 't meant for it to happen . She thought he would stop or she could stop him ; but he was a like an animal and did not stop , forcing himself inside her . It hurt but it was over in a minute . That first time was a doozey . Two months later , on his 17th birthday Claire announced that she was pregnant . Leroy was so angry . She had wrecked everything ! Not only did he have to face her family , he had to face his mother and oh crap what a nightmare that would be . Leroy looked at Claire 's face , all red and swollen from crying . " You look like a monster ! You are so ugly . Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with you ? Why would you try to trick me into marriage like this ? I hate you . It 's probably not even mine . Who else have you been fooling around with Claire ? " he said coldly . After staring at him in shock and disbelief , Claire ran home wailing and sobbing . Leroy sat there fuming . His mother asked him what was wrong and he didn 't answer her . " Something about that girl aint right Leroy . You best leave her alone . " Francis said as she went back inside . In less than an hour , Claire 's father came busting through the front door . He didn 't knock nor announce his presence . Francis came rushing in to see what was going on . Claire 's father stood there glaring at Leroy then in a barely audible voice that huge man said , " Get your coat son , you have a wedding to attend ! " Francis threw her hand up in protest but then as if the silent facts had slapped her in the face , she dropped her hand and looked at the floor . She didn 't even get her own coat , just removed her apron , picked up her purse at the door and followed them out to his car . They rode in silence . The justice of the peace was already at Claire 's house . He was her mother 's brother , Claire 's uncle . He was there for dinner but available for emergency weddings . In a matter of minutes , they were pronounced man and wife . Claire 's mother brought her suitcase in with her clothing packed . " You can come back later for the rest of your things . " she said not looking at her daughter . There were no tears on her mother 's face , just a disgusted frown . Claire 's father did not give them a ride in his car back . After the quick ceremony , he walked over in silence to the front door and held the door open for them to leave . There would be no rice thrown , no punch , no cake , not even a single word of encouragement for the new life they were starting together . They all three walked the 1 ½ miles back to Leroy 's parent 's home . Claire was clutching the marriage license in her hand that her Uncle had signed . It all happened so fast , she felt like her head was spinning . Leroy 's mother started yelling at her . It was hard to focus ; but she thought she heard her say , " You will have to quit school immediately Claire and take over the washing and cooking . I can 't afford to feed another person without help . I refuse to let Leroy quit school and ruin his life because of a jezebel like you . " Francis said sternly . " You will be responsible for cleaning the neighbor 's house and doing their laundry . " Claire just said yes ma ' am . She had loved Leroy so much and he had convinced her after nearly 12 months of begging and pleading that he loved her and that a man had " needs " . It was when he hinted that another girl would take care of him if she didn 't , that she finally gave in to him and his needs . Immediately , she got pregnant . He was the one who told her she couldn 't get pregnant on the first time ! She should be angry with him , yet He was treating her like she did something wrong . He wasn 't speaking to her and his mother screamed at her every time she looked at her . It was like being in prison . Two days later , Leroy 's father Frank came home . He and Leroy got into a terrible argument . He told Leroy he was a loser and would never amount to anything , then he said for them to get out of his house . Francis spoke up for the first time and said " Absolutely not ! My son lives here , you don 't . He is welcomed to stay here as long as he wants . " Frank drew his hand back to hit Francis and Leroy grabbed his father 's hand in mid swing , and stopped him . Frank looked at both of them , then walked out of the house . He was too hung over to fight a man and he refuse to lose to a kid . Frank got back in his car and left . He drove back to Clever Springs . Claire 's heart was beating out of her chest . Her father had never struck her mother and the whole scene was so scary for her . She felt a little sorry for Leroy and tried to talk to him , to comfort him . He pushed by her and then said " Every bit of this is your fault . You make me sick Claire . I wish you were dead . You 've ruined everything . " Leroy went out that night and didn 't come home until the next day . He reeked of alcohol and perfume . Francis didn 't say anything to him and when Claire tried to talk to him Francis intervened , pushing her backwards , and said " You are the cause of his stress girl , just mind your business ! " When Claire tried to speak up for herself , Francis threw a book at her ; hitting her in the side of the head . No one had ever struck Claire in her whole life and she was stunned . Her mindset was to march home and tell her Daddy that someone had struck her in anger ! She knew her family would be appalled once she explained how she was being treated and now she had be struck in anger . Her parents would never tolerate this ! Claire walked all the way to her parent 's house but her mother still wasn 't ready to talk to her . She sent her sister outside to tell her to go away . " She will contact you when she can look at you . " her sister spitefully repeated " She 's so embarrassed Claire . She now says she knew you 'd be the one to turn out bad . " Claire was devastated . She knew that her baby sister was just repeating what she had heard her Mama say . Claire knew her sister loved her . Suddenly her sister slipped her a pink envelope which she recognized as her own life savings . In all the turmoil she had forgotten about the money she had been saving all her life . She thanked her but her sister closed the door without saying anything to her . Her sister 's eyes had been wide with fear and confusion . " I love you Sissy " Claire yelled thru the door , but there was no response . Claire 's tears began to fall . Her family had turned their back on her , deserted her and she had nowhere to go . Absentmindedly she started to walk , turned down the street away from Leroy 's house and continued to walk . To herself Claire wondered aloud , how could her life have turned out like this ? She was always a good girl , made good grades in school , went to church , and was on the pep squad . She never smoked , or cussed . Everything had been so good until she met Leroy . He had ruined her . Her belief in him had ruined her too . Now she was alone , abandoned , mistreated . Leroy hated her , his mother hated her , her own family hated her . She felt empty like there was no baby inside of her . Claire continued to walk . She had 43 dollars to her name . It was birthday , Christmas , babysitting and allowance money she had saved for all her life . She walked out of the city and down the roads . A family picked up her up and drove her about 20 miles outside of the city . They bought her some food at a diner but they left her there when she went to the bathroom . They left a note and a 5 dollar bill on the table for her , " We figure you ran away from home . Go home sweetie . It will work out " She had noticed the help wanted sign in the door when they entered so she asked the waitress about it . The waitress laughed at her and said , " No one is gonna hire you sugar , you are obviously pregnant . " " But just a few months " she protested . " Yes but its a few months too many ! " the waitress responded . Claire got up to leave and the waitress handed her a bag of chips and a sandwich to take with her . " Go back home honey . " the waitress said . Claire shook her head sadly and said " there is no one to go home to . " and she left and started walking again . A young sheriff 's deputy picked her up and took her to edge of the next town ; there she hitched a ride with another family that was traveling east . They were nice and fed her and let her ride over 125 miles with them . It wasn 't long before Claire was over 300 miles away from everyone that hated her . She was sick to her stomach and began vomiting on the side of the road . Apparently some stopped to help her and then took her to a hospital , when she woke up the nurse was sitting next to her bed . " We need to know your name so we can contact your family dear " the nurse said sweetly . " My name is Angela Cole . I have no family . " she answered . The nurse patted her hand and said " Bless your heart ! It will be alright Angela . Don 't you be scared . We are taking good care of you ! " The doctor came in and talked to her . He was very kind . " I understand you don 't have any family . " she nodded . " What are you planning on doing about the baby Angela ? " she looked at the doctor and tears stung her eyes . " I don 't know what to do about either of us sir . Can you help me find a home for the baby once it gets here ? I can 't take care of a baby . I don 't even have a job to take care of myself . " The doctor smiled at her and said " Angela are you sure you don 't have anyone we can call ? " She shook her head no . The doctor sighed and said for her to let him make a phone call . He knew some people that might be interested . Within a few minutes he came back smiling and said that the Dake family would be in soon to see her . They must have raced over to the hospital because they got there quick . They explained that they couldn 't have children and they wanted to adopt . They asked about her situation and she told them the baby 's father died and that she had no family . They were so moved by her story that they offered her to live with them until the baby came , then they would give her money to relocate in faraway city so she could make a fresh start . She didn 't even need to think about it . She agreed immediately . The next day she was released to the Dake family . They had a beautiful home on a lakefront . Their cook fixed her anything she wanted and the Dakes treated her like family . It was a relief to have some peace . Sometimes she missed her mama but then she remembered what a disappointment she was to her family and she decided to shut the door to her past . Mrs . Dake taught her how to paint , how to write calligraphy , how to appreciate music , Bach and Mendel were her favorites . She exposed her to poetry and the writings of many famous playwrites . An entire new world opened for her . The chef taught her how to cook and how to shop for food . The maid taught her how to cut hair since she cut Mr . and Mrs . Dakes hair monthly . The baby was born 6 months later . She did not know if it was a boy or girl . She didn 't want to know . It was a pretty horrible experience for the young girl . The pain was too awful for words , then when she woke up it was over . She recuperated for 4 days at the hospital then a car , with a private nurse , was sent for her to take her to the airport , then on to her new home nearly 375 miles away . The ride on the airplane was scary but thanks to the nurse , she slept most of the way . Her new home was an apartment on the 10th floor in Fairbank , Connecticut . The Dakes paid for the nurse to be with her for 6 weeks during her recovery time . They had also paid off the mortgage on the apartment . It was paid for in full , completely in her name . Much like the marriage license she had held less than a year earlier . However , this time the paper gave her a different new life and new name . Angela Cole owned a 3 bedroom 3 bath , living room , dining room , kitchen , laundry room and pantry . It was a huge apartment . All she would have to do was pay the electric bill and buy groceries . The first thing Claire did in her new life was to go to a hair salon . They cut her hair short and died it black . A local sandwich shop hired her to work in the kitchen in the afternoons . She enrolled in technical school to learn to be a secretary . The classes were 3 mornings a week . She embroidered Angela on all her shirts so that she could remember not to call herself Claire , and people would call her Angela . She joined a large church where eventually she taught Sunday school to teenagers and did volunteer work in the food pantry . Her Pastor 's wife had helped her get a soup lunch started for the homeless . Every Monday , Wednesday and Friday they would have soup and sandwiches for the homeless . It broke her heart to see so many hungry people . Angela made it her duty to tell everyone that they should all pull together to help feed the hungry . She volunteered to cook and serve if the they would buy the food . The congregation rallied behind her and donated all of the ingredients . Many women joined her to help cook and serve . On Thursdays she would give free haircuts to the poor . Many men over the years tried to get to know Angela but she flatly refused to have a boyfriend or husband . She spent her life taking care of others and doing good through out the world . Angela moved forward ; living her life to never look back , with no regrets . A high school teacher she had admired quoted something that stuck with her " Always help if you can and certainly do no harm . " So she grew up with that mindset to " do no harm . " Had her parents supported her in the crisis she had found herself in , her life may have turned out differently . Perhaps , she would have stayed married to Leroy and lived miserably with his mother and had a few more kids . But in reality , her leaving and starting over helped hundreds of thousands of poor , hungry , homeless people and then she witnessed to them about Jesus . She remembered in the Bible it said you can 't talk to people about salvation if they can 't hear you over the rumbling of their empty stomach ! Angela spent her life giving and taking care of God 's children . Angela volunteered to go on a missionary trip to New Guinea in 1970 . The trip was to take medical supplies , food and Bibles to missionary 's already there . She replaced another woman that lived there as a missionary and lived the rest of her life in New Guinea teaching others about Jesus , and helping meet their needs . No one in her hometown ever knew what became of Claire . The sheriff talked to Leroy but no report was ever made . The sheriff told her parents she probably ran off with the baby 's real father . After a year , the Sheriff interviewed everyone again but the case was classified as a runaway and basically closed . Leroy 's mother died 3 years after Claire disappeared , leaving Leroy on his own . His father did not even come to the funeral . Frank had closed up shop and quietly disappeared , selling the house just as quickly . Leroy discovered he was homeless by the sign in the yard that said " SOLD " . He went to Reverend Marshall who took him in . For several months Leroy tried to apprentice under Reverend Marshall , who was sick to tears of Leroy . He couldn 't make him understand that even though they both believed the same , they could not let the congregation know or their cover would be blown . Leroy was reckless and weak . Reverend Marshall considered Leroy a boil on his butt and encouraged him to enroll in bible school and to even find a different church . He couldn 't stand the lazy boy . All he did was eat and loaf around . He wouldn 't even help around the church for his keep . The reverend finally told him he needed to go away . Brenda James married Leroy out of pity , more than love . She knew his wife had disappeared probably either dead or as everyone said runaway . It was never disclosed that she was pregnant . Brenda knew from Leroy that his mama was very sick . Brenda 's family had moved away leaving her with a great aunt . Times were hard and they had too many mouths to feed so they dumped her on her great aunt under the pretense of leaving her to help her aunt . She didn 't have much of a life in this small town , just school and home . Her great aunt let her go to church once in a while but not often . She loved school because it gave her an insight to another life that she dreamed of . Adventures , fun , laughter … all the things her aunt could not and would not allow her . Leroy had wanted to give his mama another grandchild . The grandchild she asked about before her death . She also mentioned a quilt several times , but Leroy didn 't know what in the world she was talking about . He just covered her up with the quilt . She still kept trying to say something about that quilt but he assumed her mind had just left her . Once she died he burned that quilt . He could never have used it after it covered his mother 's dead body . Just the thought made him ill . He hated that quilt anyhow . She was always working on it and the damn thing was so heavy . He shook his head just thinking about it . The filler must have been good cause it burned like it was full of money . Brenda was so much like Leroy 's Mama . She did everything for him , pushed him thru Bible College , did his homework for him , and worked 2 jobs while he basically goofed off . He was a C student and that was pushing it . The day he got his certificate , it was Brenda who felt like she had graduated from 2 years of Bible College . She had written all of his papers , made cheat sheets for his test and read all the books and told him what they said . Brenda always made excuses for Leroy . He just needs a helping hand , she would think to herself . He just needs to catch a break ; only to find out , he was lazy and wanted everyone else to do things for him . He loved to act like an awesome , amazing person , but someone else was always doing all the work and he would find a way to get the glory . They got their first job at a small church in Texas . The church provided a parish and a small salary . The conditions were that Brenda had to clean the church , play the piano and watch the kids in the nursery on Wednesday night service . Apparently everything was big in Texas including the breast on many of the women in the church . Leroy had his choice of loose women and he plowed right thru them . He was charming as he gave each sermon , reading thru the notes that Brenda had composed for him . Smiling largely , hesitating at the points that Brenda had written " Pause for dramatic affect " or laughing when Brenda had noted " insert laugh here " . Leroy was able to follow Brenda 's clues and hints to perfection . He was so personable and convincing . The public loved him . Men wanted to play golf with him , their wives wanted to have sex with him . The offerings were large and many curious people came to see the new handsome Pastor . In less than 3 months , 2 deacons came to the front door to tell the Pastor he was fired and to get out of the Parish by morning . He had been fooling around with both of the deacons wives and the women had gotten into a cat fight downtown square in front of everyone ! It was a huge embarrassment to the town and the church . The next town they wound up at was about 35 miles away . It was a pretty large town . The Pastor of the Baptist church was very old and had been trying to retire for years . Leroy had explained to him that it was a huge misunderstanding at the first place and they wouldn 't even let him explain that all he had been doing was counseling the ladies . The Pastor laughed and told him it was hard to fight jealousy and that he himself had been run off from a few churches for " counseling the ladies . " Leroy began working as an assistant Pastor for him , the plan was to gradually take over and allow the reigning Pastor to retire . The people took to Leroy quickly and he tried hard to stay away from the females but temptation overwhelmed him and he found himself again involved with several females , one just 16 years old . Brenda had their first daughter in January and the 16 year old announced her pregnancy in March . Leroy , Brenda and the new baby left town in the middle of that same cold March night . The next morning was the first time Leroy ever hit Brenda . She demanded that he stop acting like he had a lust demon in him and be a real husband and a real man of a real God . Leroy beat her severely , blackening both her eyes as he broke her nose and the bones under her left eye . Her hearing in her left ear also was now gone as were 3 teeth on that side . He had come completely unglued ; telling her he would kill her if she ever tried to leave . She knew she couldn 't leave , she was pregnant again already . Leroy wouldn 't leave her alone . She never even had time to heal from the birth of their first child before he was at her again . It wasn 't love , it was control . Leroy was scared if she left , he couldn 't pull off the sermons . At least she was good for that . He constantly complained to her that she couldn 't do anything right but she knew it was just a form of his abuse . He called her fat and ugly . But unless she was pregnant , she was always the same 98 lbs she had always been when he met her . If she left a cup in the sink he called her a filthy pig , he constantly berated her cooking and cleaning skills although every place they lived she had made as clean and beautiful as she could . Brenda quit making excuses for Leroy after he started beating her . She knew there were no excuses for how he was treating her . Brenda had read about other women who had been abused and she recognized nothing she could ever do would please Leroy . He was a miserable person and wanted her to be that way too . Brenda worked extra hard to be a good wife and mother to his children . The women of every church they had worked at came to her and told her how lucky she was to be married to a saint . At least she didn 't have the same problems they did because she had a good man , a godly man . She would smile and nod her head . " Lord if they only knew ! " she would say aloud when she was alone . It was a full time job running behind him trying to make Leroy look good , or trying to clean up his messes . Once at a church get together , the men were having a theological discussion , when suddenly a visitor started questioning Leroy 's career and Brenda saw Leroy seeking her help with a look across the room . Brenda grasps her bulging belly and cried out " Husband Please I think I need to go . I have a pain ! " Leroy rushed to her side and several of the people helped her to the car . Leroy explained this had been a delicate pregnancy and he appreciated their help . As soon as they left Leroy flew into a rage . One of the men thought he had recognized Leroy from a church down South and he was trying to question him to see if it was him . Brenda 's reaction saved Leroy 's face . He was able to use the situation to gain sympathy until things smoothed over . However , once again Leroy was his own undoing and they had to leave . His high sex drive coupled with unlimited supply of available ( married , single , widowed ) women got him hot water again . Finally when it seemed they had worked at every Baptist church , they happened upon a town that had a Methodist church that was looking for a Pastor . Leroy had explained that his wife had been involved in a terrible car accident that she had caused by driving irresponsibly . She had ran a red light , causing another car to hit her . ( He told her what he had told the deacons that hired him because he had to explain her facial injuries . He couldn 't very well say he beat her stupid ass . ) She heard Leroy talking to the deacons outside of the car " Of course he understood that she couldn 't been seen in public until she healed up , he completely understood and yes she would still clean the church and keep the grounds cut and clean . And of course take care of the Parish " Brenda could see them all shaking hands . How many times had she seen that hand shake . The handshake that confirms we have entered into a deal . How she wished just once Leroy would be honest and tell the deacons " I will be your leader and you will be my congregation until I literally screw your women and you run me off . " Brenda 's heart was grave . She could feel the heaviness in her chest as she sighed and thought " Here we go again . " The Parish was filthy ; the last resident had left in a huge hurry and left most of his belongings . Brenda had to box up their things and clean before she could unpack their own things and set them up . She worked for nearly 3 days straight , dare not sleeping , to get things in order and to keep Leroy from getting upset and beating her again . The beatings made Leroy feel powerful . Of course once he realized she let him get away with doing it , he did it more often . Ultimately he learned to hit her where it would not show , the bruises were to her ribs and back and thighs . He was growing meaner and meaner as they went from church to church . The last beating nearly killed her . He choked her so hard and long that she passed out . He was afraid he had killed her , when she came too he beat her again for scaring him . After their 4th child , Leroy began to abuse the children , slapping their little faces , pushing them down , cussing at them . Little Victoria got in trouble at school because the teacher asked what her mother 's name was and she said " My daddy calls her bitch , but I call her mama . " The teacher paddled her and then sent her to the office for another spanking before they called Brenda to come pick her up . It was then that Brenda knew she had to get away from Leroy to save her children . The girls were so sweet and emotional . They had watched their father beat their mother so many times that they were terrified of him . They were so traumatized , so nervous , not knowing if all hell would break loose every single night . Brenda would put them to bed immediately after dinner to keep them out of Leroy 's way . She taught the girls to pray , when Daddy did bad things to Mama . The job at the Methodist church seemed to be going well . Brenda had studied up on what Methodist believed and was able to write sermons that ministered to the congregation . Leroy 's eloquent presentations were received beautifully . As a matter of a fact almost in appreciation of her hard work and loyalty , Leroy gave her a present ! One month after they arrived at the Methodist church he gave her … a sexually transmitted disease . Brenda took the girls by bus to a neighboring town and was seen by a doctor who charged her $ 25 . 00 to explain she had a sexually transmitted disease . The doctor told her if she was going to be a whore she should be more careful . She didn 't bother to tell him she was the loyal wife of a husband that couldn 't keep his manhood at home . She didn 't bother to tell him Leroy was the only man she had ever been with . She just took the lecture and accept the man 's opinion of her . Brenda was horrified but at least he gave her a prescription to help rid her of the disease . On the bus ride back home Brenda was calm . She stopped by the grocery store to pick up some groceries for dinner . Fortunately she made it home before Leroy did and had dinner on the table when he got home . Brenda had arranged for the 3 older girls to spend the night with the McKenzies . The baby was being kept by Mrs . Odell one of the church ladies . The standing rib roast was beautiful and all the vegetables turned out perfect . This was Leroy 's favorite meal . What an amazing anniversary dinner this would be ! Brenda had candles lit , the good china she had borrowed from Mrs . Odell was on the table . It was stunning ! When Leroy came home and sat down to eat dinner , he asked why it was so quiet and where were the rest of the bitches . Brenda told him she wanted to be alone with him . He snorted nearly spitting his bourbon out and said " Don 't be a acting like a slut Brenda . You are all used up and you know I only come to you if noone else is available . " Brenda ignored his statement and ate dinner as he ate . When he finished he shoved his plate away as usual . She asked if he wanted some peach and cranberry cobbler and he said yes . He did love her peach cranberry cobbler . Leroy had always demanded a desert with every evening meal . He was saying something about her getting his notes ready for the Sunday sermon but she didn 't hear him clearly . She came back into the room with his cobbler and poured him some coffee . He tore into the mound of cobbler like a kid in an ice cream shop , it was all over his face . Suddenly , he looked at her and said " Why do you look so different ? " " What do you mean ? " she asked sweetly . He said " Well for one thing you are looking me in the eye , you never do that anymore . You look like you have a secret ? What have you got to feel so damn cocky about ? " Brenda went and sat back down in her seat , then she smiled a big smile and said in an cheerful voice " It 's no secret Leroy ! I am finally free of you . No more beatings , no more cheating , lying , stealing , no more abuse of any kind from you Leroy . " She let out a long sigh and said " I 'm free of you Leroy " . He burst out laughing and said " In your dreams whore . I have already told you if you ever try to leave me I will kill you . Kill you dead ! They will never find your body . I promise they will have to look in all 40 states to find all the pieces of your body ! " Then a scowl came on his face , " I guess you just need a beating Brenda ! Why do you make me do this to you ? Why ? Do you enjoy tasting your own blood ? Do you enjoy making me beat the shit out of you ? " Brenda didn 't answer immediately . Then calmly she said " Today is our anniversary Leroy . 10 years ago today I married you believing I could help you . I thought all you needed was a good woman to help you realize your dream of being a preacher . I didn 't know then that you didn 't believe in God . But Leroy there really is a God and you are about to meet him . " Leroy stood up , unbuckled his belt and reached to take it off as he usually did to start the beatings , but as he turned to pull his belt a pain hit his right side . He looked at Brenda and said " What have you done ? " She looked him in the eye and peacefully said " I have killed you Leroy . I have saved my life and my children 's lives and the lives of all the people in the world that you will ever come in contact with and try to destroy ! You probably should talk to God and tell him you were wrong about Him and try to make amends while there is still time . " Leroy 's face was red with pain and rage , " You Bitch ! You can 't kill me . I will make you pay for … " then he sat down in the dining room chair and died . She heard the death rattle , the last breath leave his body about 5 minutes after he died . In the letter , He expressed remorse for all the pain and embarrassment that he had caused his wife , 4 children and the church . He explained that he knew that he had committed adultery more times than he could count but that he had truly only loved his wife . He explained in the letter that he had stolen thousands of dollars of the churches money that was supposed to be used for bills . He stated the money was used so that he could pay off some naughty women and buy their silence , you know with him being a preacher and all . He apologized to all of the Deacons except for Brother Smith . He had never messed with his wife , because she was older than he preferred his lovers to be . However , he did apologize to Brother Smith for using his money to buy a hotel room with Brother Raegle 's wife . He apologized to the Sheriff for deflowering his 17 year old daughter but denied ever touching his son . Last but not least he asked all of them to be checked for sexual diseases as someone had given him one and he was concerned for the population of the church . Leroy said in his letter that his conscious would not let him live with himself and he hoped they would find a way to forgive him . He asked them to help his wife and children find a new life without him . Embarrassment kept the church or the Sheriff from disclosing the letter , but good old Doctor Corak got a lot of business and antibiotics were flowing thru the town . The coroner said it looked like a heart attack or suicide . However , for the public 's knowledge , it was called heart attack . On the other hand , the Sheriff and the Doctor who pronounced him dead knew that most heart attack victims didn 't leave notes . She refused their money , as she had thousands of dollars that her dead husband had already stolen from them . Leroy was buried in a deserted cemetery outside of town and not even given a head stone . There was no funeral . The church handled the situation with a stunned silence . Brenda finally got that job at Sears she had always wanted . She started as a stock clerk working the midnight shift but quickly moved up the ranks to floor supervisor . Brenda became the first female manager in their area . She remarried another man 3 years after Leroy 's death . His name was Tucker Brine and he worked at a tire manufacturing company . He was a good decent man and loved Brenda and the girls . She looked up in the sky towards heaven and sighed , and then shaking her head , she looked down at the ground towards hell and smiled … " There is no way you made it to heaven Leroy . Not if you got what you deserved . " Nearly everyone I 've spoken to over the last few days - whether online , or in " real life " - has had similarly disparaging things to say about the past week . Perhaps it was the transition from summer to autumn , or the adjustment to the start of another school year ( which seems to affect everyone , whether or not they have school - aged children ) , or just something run amuck in the stars . Whatever it was , I truly hope it has run its course and will not continue to trouble us as we step into September in earnest . I closed out my work week with a rather terrifying technology snafu . Late on Thursday , my wireless " magic trackpad " developed a mind of its own . Instead of obediently responding to the taps and swipes of my fingers , it began jumping … I heard someone say this … only I took it too far , I love too deep , too hard . To the point I die a little with each disappointment . I am so proud of my heart to still be beating … after the beating it 's … Continue reading → Janeece was a happily married woman with 3 children , ages 5 , 3 and 19 months . She had been married for over 2 1 / 2 years to her best friend , lover , and soul mate . He had the same values she had , loved her children as his own , including the one they had together . Errol did not want her to work outside the home , which thrilled her so she could raise their children . Errol had explained as much about his job to Janeece when he was dating her . " I 'm in the Army . It 's all very secretive . We are not allowed to discuss work matters as it could be a danger to National Security . So you are going to have to trust me , a lot . " he said sincerely . Janeece did trust him , she adored him and hung on his every word . He was the kindest , smartest , most wonderful man she had ever had the pleasure of knowing . He was a fantastic husband and Father . Life with Errol was like a dream come true . His eyes had filled with tears when he found out she was pregnant . Janeece 's life had a troubled enough start to appreciate the good life that she had now . Her first husband , Junior , had taken a job as long distance truck driver . On his first trip out of North Carolina to Los Angeles , California , he fell in love with a girl that worked at a deli . He came immediately back to North Carolina and told Janeece . " I 'm sorry but I have got to be honest . I never loved you like I should . I thought I ought to do the right thing when you got pregnant with Danny , so I married you . I was miserable but before I could get out you got pregnant with Amy . I thought I was trapped forever until I met Desiree . She said , ' Your wife will make you pay lots of child support but it will be worth it to be with me . ' She really loves me . I came here for a divorce then I am moving to Los Angeles to be with her . " " Go on Junior . Just Git ! " Janeece said , finally finding her voice and dismissing him . Junior left but she noticed he was smiling as he hauled ass out of the driveway . Her Mother took the news horribly . She broke down sobbing , " Oh Lord Janeece what are you gonna do ? You aint never worked a day in your life . You will never find another husband . Nobody will want you since you have two kids . Men want their own kids . And don 't think you can pawn them off on me . I aint able to watch them . " " Mama please just go on home . I will figure this out . " This offended her Mother so she huffed and stormed out of the door ; slamming it behind her . The next morning Janeece spoke to her neighbor and explained that Junior had left her for another woman . She asked if she could see the job section of the newspaper and the neighbor offered it straight away . She found an ad for a diner needing a waitress . The manager of the diner was exhausted . His waitress staff and cashier had abandoned him for three soldiers . The girls called out sick for three but he had been told by regular diners that they had seen the three girls about town with the soldiers having a big time . He had called his Mother and Sister in to fill in for the girls but it made for a hard day when they didn 't know what they were doing . The manager pointed to the telephone . The neighbor lady agreed to watch the kids so Janeece put on the apron , began cleaning tables and taking orders . It was definitely on the job training but she caught on quick . By the end of breakfast she had made $ 52 . 00 in tips . If lunch was half that good she would make enough money to take care of her children . Lunch was busier than breakfast . Janeece went straight home and paid the neighbor for babysitting . The children loved Mrs . Overly and she was thrilled to be making the extra money . Two weeks into her new life , a tow truck pulls up in front of her house . Junior 's Ford pickup was on the flat bed . A luxury car had pulled up at the same time as the tow truck . A very well dressed man knocked on the front door . " Can I help you ? " Janeece asked thru the screen door . " I , um , I wanted to bring the truck back to you and I wanted to give you this check for $ 1500 . 00 . This money is Juniors last paycheck and the one I was holding . He didn 't have any life insurance , so the company paid to have him cremated . If you want the remains I can have them sent to you . " " I don 't rightly know . I think the Coroners office holds them for 3 years then disposes of them . Unless you are going to have a burial I don 't see where you would need them . I understand Junior didn 't have any other family . " " You 've got time to think about it , but if it were my decision , I would let them stay there . California is so big , you might not even get his actual remains back . I 'm sorry this happen to you ma ' am . " he said shifting from one leg to another . " Thank you for letting me know . " Janeece said as she took the keys from the tow truck driver who had walked up during the conversation , then she shut the door . She didn 't cry for Junior but for her children that lost a father . At first he had been an honorable man but he lost his way as time went by . He was never a great husband . Like he had admitted , he never loved her the way she loved him . He drank and ran around on her constantly . Over the next few months Janeece learned to organize the children 's schedule , pay the bills , the rent , the electric bill . Military guys came in on a regular basis and she was asked out on hundreds of dates per week but she just smiled and told them she appreciated the offer but no she didn 't date . There was a bucket in the kitchen where she threw the telephone numbers that men wrote on napkins and tiny pieces of paper trying to entice her and occasionally a Rose was delivered in a bud vase for her but she still never yielded to a single request . The manager told her that he didn 't want to lose her but to remember she was still young enough to marry again . She would just smile and continue working . It wasn 't open for discussion . He would laugh and say , " When you least expect it you will find someone . " Almost six months to the day that Junior died and when she least expected it , she met someone . It was a Friday morning after the breakfast rush , a man came in and asked for coffee . He was a big muscular man , as least 6 ' 4 with a shining bald head and sharp blue eyes . He was wearing jeans and a button up cotton shirt . He smelled like sunshine . He caught Janeece 's eye . She smiled and nodded her head . " Thank you . " she said as an after thought when she was walking away . She managed to serve him breakfast and noticed he watched her as she moved around the café cleaning tables and taking orders . Janeece returned to his table to ask if he wanted more coffee . " Well Janeece I will just have to start eating here . I am new to the area and needed to find a place so I wouldn 't starve to death . " he said with a big smile . Two months had gone by and the owner was starting to complain the café was looking like a funeral home with all the flowers . Errol unleashed floral hell on Janeece until she finally agreed to go to dinner with him . She assumed if she took the kids he would be discouraged and not want to see her again . On the contrary , he was delighted . Errol made arrangements to take them all to a family oriented establishment name Charos , where they had games and pizza . Errol loved to play the games with the kids and even got Janeece to participate . It was fun and she looked forward to their time as much as her kids did . Errol refused to let her pay for anything which really made it a treat . " I am afraid I can 't tell you much dear . I am in a secret unit . All of our activities are top secret and it would endanger national security if I shared with you what I actually do . I actually work for the C . I . A . , through the Army and I took an oath to my country that what was government information would remain top secret . As soon as my missions are over I will always come right back to you . I am falling in love with you and these two kids Janeece . Please tell me you will wait for me . " Errol was gone an agonizing 6 weeks . He showed up at her house unannounced in the middle of the night still in uniform . " Errol ? " Janeece asked at the door . He kissed her passionately then let her go . " I 've got to get back to the base and debrief . I just had to see you and ask you . It 's been eating me up wondering if you would say yes . " She smiled and blew him another kiss as he walked away . Janeece did not see Errol for three more days until Wednesday . He picked her up after work and gave her a ride home . " I have a surprise for you Missy . " he said with a grin . " Janeece . I know everything I need to know about you . I love you and don 't want to spend one more day without you and your kids in my life . Don 't you know I can give you a better life . You shouldn 't have to work in that diner slinging hash for just enough money pay the bills . Aren 't you ashamed that you buy your kids clothes at the thrift store and that Mavis the neighbor is practically raising your children ? " Putting it in those terms made Janeece feel very small and humiliated . Tears began to fall down her cheeks . " I have been doing the best that I can under the circumstances . " she said . Janeece hurried up and bathed and changed into a spring dress . She did her hair and makeup and could hear Errol laughing with the children . He was getting them dressed into some new clothes he had bought them . " Show your Mama how nice you look ! " he said sweetly . They all drove to a nearby park where people were waiting . Janeece 's family was not present but about 20 people were there including an Army Chaplain . It was a beautiful arrangement and Janeece was blown away by the preparation . " These are my friends and their spouses from work . " Errol whispered in her ear . Errol held Amy and Janeece held Danny 's hand during the ceremony . It was brief but beautiful . When the Chaplain asked if anyone had any reason these two should not be joined , Errol had given a nervous exaggerated gaze around the audience , drawing huge laughter from the crowd . Then they were pronounced husband and wife and sealed it with a kiss . A reception was held at the local armory . Food and beer and other beverages were set up and it was the best surprise Janeece had ever had in her life . Her diamond ring was small but so pretty and the matching wedding band just sealed it with another kiss . " Errol . I can not leave them in a lurch like that . I have not given them any notice to find another waitress . " Janeece pleaded . " Just please let me work out a couple of weeks notice . " " Nope . No wife of mine slings hash . I will take care of this . " Errol said picking up the telephone . Errol explained to the manager that Janeece would not be coming back and that she sent word that she was sorry for not giving a notice as she should have done and he hung up . Janeece 's cheeks were on fire from embarrassment . " That man gave me a job when I had no experience . He gave me an opportunity that many would not . I can 't do this to him . " " Well , are you interested in what he had to day Janeece ? He said it was just as well , that you were a terrible waitress and he had gotten so many complaints on you that he was looking to replace you anyhow . You saved him the trouble . " Janeece knew he had just lied to her face , she locked herself in the bathroom and had a good cry . Danny knocked on the door and asked , " Mama are you crying . It 's okay . " " Mama we want to ask you something . Is it okay if we call Mr . Errol , Daddy ? We want him to be our Daddy . " Danny asked with a grin . Amy got excited and started jumping up and down saying " Daddy , Daddy , Daddy . " Errol appeared in the door and said , " Hey who is calling my name ? " The kids squealed and ran to him . Irritated Janeece couldn 't help but muster a smile looking at the three of them . It made her heart happy to see her children so ecstatic . " Get up here and give Daddy a kiss Mama . " Errol said with a smile . She did . The next few months flew by . Errol moved them to a nice house out of the city limits . It had a pool and a garden . He closed Janeece 's checking account and they just had one account that was in his name . " I handle all the bills anyhow , it just makes sense . I will make sure you have money if you need anything . " He was a neat freak and expected the house to be inspection ready every day when he got home . There were no excuses , she wasn 't working outside of the home . However , he was the most amazing husband and father . He genuinely made them feel he loved them and they adored him right back . He participated in homework , sports activities and even insisted on them attending church . " My family is the most important thing in my life " he would boast to anyone who spoke to him . He was especially proud of little Riley but showed no partiality with the other two children which made Janeece glow with happiness . They had several pool parties during the summer time when his coworkers would come over and bring their wives . She had heard one of the guys tell Errol , " Man you really got it going on buddy . A fine looking class B dependent and she can cook . " Errol punched the guy in the stomach , and told him to get out . Janeece assumed the guy was being vulgar so she was please her husband defended her honor . She never questioned Errol about the situation because it upset him very much . " Oh my God woman this is wonderful news ! " he picked her up and spun her around until she was dizzy . " I love you so much Janeece . Now our family will be complete . " This made her cry happy tears . Two weeks after that Errol was out the door for another secret mission . This mission lasted eight weeks and three days . Janeece had been to the local family clinic in his absence to see the doctor . He had said she was doing well and to continue to eat right and take her vitamins . Each time Errol headed out for a secret mission it was time for her to see the doctor so she never got to see a military doctor . Janeece did not mind , the local clinic had very nice people there . " Timing is everything ! " Errol would say with a laugh . He had been home 15 minutes when Janeece 's water had broken . Errol did not take her to the local hospital . He drove her to the hospital 20 miles in the opposite direction to give birth to their Son , Riley . He was able to stay two weeks before being called out on a mission . Janeece tried to be strong but a military wife 's life was hard . She missed him so much when he was gone . Errol had some times spoken about getting a different job but said he would probably have to wait until retirement because of the nature of his job being so sensitive . " They will probably want to keep the unit together for the duration of our careers . We know too much . " " I reckon they have him at the military hospital . " Jeremy said quietly . He hesitated for a moment then ran to his truck , slinging rocks and dust as he left . Janeece gathered up the children and put them in the car . She headed straight for the military base and asked for the hospital at the gate . The MP 's escorted her and the children to the hospital area where Errol 's body was being held . Janeece passed another woman that had been crying . She also had two children . Her heart went out to the woman . She wondered if her husband might have been involved in the accident that killed her own husband . Janeece was escorted to a small room . A doctor came in with the two MP 's . Janeece took her drivers license out and showed them her name , Janeece Fresco . " Look this is me , Janeece Fresco . I am Errol 's wife . Now can I please see my husband ? He turns and said " Miss , apparently you are what is known in these parts as a Class B dependent . That is when someone is married but they have someone on the side . I 'm afraid you are the side . " " There must be somewhere you can take me , some department that can confirm I am his wife . Please ! " she begged . She was trying not to cry so she did not upset the children worse . The military police took her to an undisclosed location and asked her to wait in an office . After an hour an important looking , young man came in and asked her to explain what was going on . She told him the date they were married , by a Chaplain Updegraff , where they were married and celebrated the after wedding at the Nation Guard building . She explained they had a house , and gave the address . She was a stay at home mom , he was always away on secret missions but they made it work because they loved each other . The man left with the notes he took , then came back with in the hour . " Ma ' am this military base does not have a Chaplain Updegraff . Jump Master Errol Fresco did not do secret missions . He taught people to jump out of airplanes . I do not have any other way to say this other than you have been duped by a master mind of trickery . You have no military monies coming to you by his untimely death . I can only apologize to you on behalf of the United States Military . The Military Police will see you to your vehicle . " Janeece pulled Riley to the front between her and the man . " This is his son . Please allow me to take him to his father . " The man looked miserable and said , " No good can come from a small child seeing his father dead on a gurney ma ' am . " When she was revived , the man gave her an address to carry her marriage license and identification to . " Perhaps they can get to the bottom of this situation ma ' am . Are you able to drive yourself and the children home ? " She nodded her head yes and accepted the piece of paper from him . " there has to be an explanation for all of this . My husband is a good , honorable man . " The man did not speak , he simply opened the door showing her the way out . He had heard of men having multiple " families " and the idea sickened him . He did not even have one family . It never happened for him , yet bastards like this Fresco character could pull it off , at least until something as small as death put a stop to it . He had no doubt the woman was telling the truth , the little boy looked exactly like his father and she was too hysterical to be making up everything she was trying to say . He sat down at his desk computer and began to do some research . A few hours later he walked into the examiners office and stared at the dead man . " You probably can 't hear me you miserable prick but you are busted . One wife knows you were a liar and a cheat and soon the other wife will know too . You will be remembered as a fraud . Rest in peace asshole . " he mumbled sarcastically as he left the room . Janeece got the kids into bed and sat in Errol 's chair in the living room . She was shaking just enough to notice it . A decanter of bourbon was on the bar where Errol always wanted it . She walked over and poured herself two fingers and put two pieces of ice into the highball glass . That is how he trained her to fix his drink . She raised the glass to her lips to drink , but the smell nauseated her . She sat the glass down on the bar and walked into his home office . His desk was locked as usual , top secret and all . Janeece went and found a crow bar and a hammer and was headed back to the office when the door bell rang . She answered the door with them in her hand . It was the young man from the base that had given her an address to take her marriage license and her identification to . She recognized her husbands keys and she turned and walked towards the office . Mr . Peterson followed her . She pointed to the desk as if he couldn 't see it sitting in the room . He nodded and found it was the last the key that unlocked the desk . Errol Fresco was a brave son of a bitch . He used his real name with Janeece . Too cocky to believe he would ever be found out , he had a real marriage license but never filed it at the court house , therefore making their marriage not legal . Their son , Riley 's birth certificate was also in the desk and he had used his real name when he signed it , so Peterson knew at least Janeece would get some support for the child . All of the bills , checking and savings account … the records were there in the desk . Everything including the house and cars were in his name and Janeece 's maiden name . He must have had a very good friend at the bank to pull that off . Unfortunately he had just found pictures of Fresco 's other families . He had two other families . The lady that came to claim his body was his legal wife who had two children , and it appeared that he had a wife in Costa Rica with two children . He had pictures and marriage licenses and birth certificates for them all . He was very organized . Peterson attempted to explain what he was finding but Janeece was turning grey . The kind of grey you turn when you are about to die , the kind of grey when the blood is leaving your body . Peterson jumped to his feet and grabbed her by the shoulders . " Don 't you dare die . You have 3 beautiful children that need their Mother . Do you want them raised by strangers in foster care , divided up so they will never be together again ? Dig deep ma ' am , for your children , don 't leave them like he did . Don 't abandon the ones you gave birth to . This situation is horribly unfair but you will injure the children far worse with you losing your will to survive this . " He shook her a little to drive his point home . " His name is Paulo Updegraff . He is in the same unit Fresco was in . He is not a Chaplain or in any way connected with a higher power . He has no authority to marry anyone . That is probably why Fresco never officially filed the marriage license . " " I don 't know Janeece . Some men are greedy bastards and they want it all . They somehow assume they are God 's gift to women and think all the women belong to them . " Janeece got up off of the floor and walked over to the desk . There was an envelope with pictures of Errol having sex with several different women . She had hoped it was before they met , but then suddenly realized he was wearing a shirt she had purchased for him just a few months before in a number of the pictures . Again , she fainted . " I need you to go with me to close out these accounts and cash in these bonds immediately Janeece . If you don 't there is a chance you wont get anything until there is a hearing to determine paternity for young Riley . I am just afraid wife number one might try to latch onto any money or property in his name once she regains her senses from the talk I am going to have with her after we leave the bank tomorrow . She laid down on the couch and began to cry . He sat down in a chair across from her and passed her tissues and listened to her story . He watched as she gathered up all the pictures of Fresco from the living room , then he watched her cry again . In all the years he had been alive , he had never felt the compassion that he felt for this woman . All night , she talked , she cried , she nearly fainted 2 or 3 more times . He allowed her to grieve without destroying herself . Janeece did not know it but this would all turn out for the best for her and the children , Peterson would see to that . He would end up being a real husband and father . A man that she needed and deserved . In the next year he married Janeece and raised her children as his own . They transferred across the country to make a new life in Washington State . Peterson legally adopted all of the children and they were married in a huge Christian church and hand carried the license to the court house . She 'd been mad before but this time was different . This time she had the proof in her hands . A teeny tiny pair of thong panties from under the seat of her car . Rodger had used her car last night because his tire was low and he didn 't have time to fool with it . Raye Lynn was a heft 200 lbs and had nothing to lose but weight . Rodger walked in , threw his lunch box on the coffee table and sat down in his favorite chair to take off his boots . Raye Lynn was calmer than she thought she would be . He looked at her kind of side ways and asked , " What 's wrong with you ? What are you mad about now ? Raye all I do is work like a dog in that ship yard and come home to a constantly mad woman . " Raye Lynn sat down on the couch . Twenty two years of marriage , four kids , three grandkids , they had made quite a life . She couldn 't kill Rodger simply because the kids would never forgive her ; but she had known for years he cheated , today 's find just confirmed what she already knew . She didn 't cry , scream or throw a fit , just sat on her spot on the couch . She smiled and went to fix his dinner plate . He liked to eat dinner in his chair , then watch the evening news . Usually Ray Lynn would go read a book or play on the computer but tonight she sat there with him watching the news . The world was literally going to hell . War in so many countries , threats of violence , murders , missing persons , confusing weather , hot up north , cold in the south everything was chaos . " Why do you talk like that Rodger ? Why do you say things to me like that when you are cheating on me with other women ? " Raye Lynn suddenly cried out . Raye Lynn became furious , " Don 't insult my intelligence Rodger . You know good and well those are some skinny woman 's panties and I found them in the car this morning . How could you ? " Raye Lynn was crying and she asked Rodger to forgive her . He pulled her down into the chair with him and told her , " Raye , in all of these years . I never cheated on you . I came close a few times when I used to go to the Crystal Pistol and drink beer but it was just flirting . I didn 't let it go any further because I love you . I swear to God I have never cheated one time . " Rodger shook his head no . " No ma ' am I never quit loving you . You are the reason I still get up and go to that shipyard after all these years . I love every ounce of you . " Daniel 's face turned red as his drunk buddy recalled their evening . Winston was always an arrogant ass but he didnt have to say those things in front of Beverly . She was a lady . Someone 's opinion that he valued and it simply embarrassed him for her to hear his childish antics . " No way sir . You are the man . Girls falling all over him , bet he got 6 telephone numbers and man did Sassy put a whopper of a kiss on him . I don 't even like that Stripper but it was so hot it made me jealous . " " I decide who I dance with ! " She said bluntly , taking Doug 's hand and not looking Daniel in the face . Daniel watched them as they walked onto the dance floor . He walked to the other side of the bar but never took his eyes off of her . He loved her but he would never have her . She was unavailable permanently to him . He had gotten too drunk once and poured out his heart before and forced her to accept his kiss in front of 50 people . She didn 't refuse him but as soon as he went to the men 's room , she left . The next day he ran into her at the grocery store , he tried to apologize but that just made it worse … she was surprised and hurt . " That 's not what I meant , I mean , I think I embarrassed myself , I mean you . Damn cut me some slack here Bev . I don 't know how to talk to you . " Beverly was older but still a beautiful woman . She would come in the bar on Friday once in awhile but she didn 't drink . She just wanted to be around people , she was lonely . The bar had karaoke every weekend so she enjoyed that . She loved to laugh and have a good time with everyone . At the end of every night she went home alone . Wayne was a heavy drinker , he had the personality of a rock but he was gorgeous . He was like a wounded child . Sylvia wanted to take him in her arms and shield him from the world . He drank beer after beer , smoked cigarette after cigarette , the drunker he got the more he regaled her with tales of his life . He bragged he had left a trail of his seed across the country and Mexico and Cuba . He said he believes the count is 16 if he is correct . He bragged of doing more acid than all the people in the bar . He admits he still smokes pot daily . " I lived like a freakin animal in my sail boat … crappin in a bucket and all . I finally bought me a house . I 've had more sex than anyone , but it comes with consequences , just got the silver bullet last week , not the first std I 've had but I hate when I get one . It 's my own fault . I get too drunk and ' just okay ' lookin starts to be ' good lookin ' and well I gotta weakness … but I try to be smarter today than I was yesterday . " Sylvia regarded him with pity and compassion . She found herself encouraging him even when he told her his new girlfriend was " really fat … she makes you look skinny . " Sylvia was a little overweight but not obese . She didn 't bother to be insulted by Wayne , he didn 't mean her harm . He liked her . The night he shared with her that he had killed a lot of people when he was in the military , her heart broke . He was so damaged . Helping people , helping hurting people , it was her duty but she had let Wayne inside her heart … it was personal the way he shared such intimate details , like he was allowing her to hold this information for him so he didn 't have to carry it . She never , ever wanted to have sex with him but she felt almost a responsibility for him sometimes . They texted frequently and she would say , " I miss your handsome face . " he would respond , " funny how I avoid reflections of it . " One night he had too much to drink and a barely legal , barely covered girl was in the bar . He made a beeline for her and offered to take her fishing , the same line he had used on Sylvia . and Sylvia was offended . He held up his cellphone to take a picture of the girl and Sylvia snapped . She flew at him in a rage , " stop ! Stop being a whore . " Girl was shocked and quickly moved away . Wayne asked , " What ? What 's wrong . " Sylvia faced her feelings for the first time and said , " don 't disrespect me . you know I love you . " He said , " I know and I like that . " The next day he sent her a text , " I love my girlfriend . I know you are a good woman but she beat you to it . She 's a fat girl but I don 't care . " She responded with , " I can still love you if I want to and there is nothing you can do about it . " He said I want to talk to you in person and she said no ! i will cry . " He said " ok but you have to know I love you too . " " Don 't talk to me about her Wayne . In my mind she 's not real . I can still love you if I want too " she said stubbornly . " She came all the way to mobile to pick me up . No woman has ever done that for me . Nobody has ever done anything but take from me … me and Mr . No jangles ( She assumed by his sudden grin this was the name for his penis ) " it 's just she is so … big . I mean I love her . We met on pof and she posted all of these skinny younger pictures of her . I couldn 't wait to meet her , then I did and she 's huge … shallow Hal type of huge . " I had dinner with Ernest Hemingway last night . He told me to stop procrastinating and read his damn books ! Haha ! I laughed so hard tea nearly came out of my nose . I like him . I feel a sense of kinsman ship with him . I don 't understand it but he was weird in a way that reminds me of myself . I don 't remember how dinner started . It was like being in a movie that I began watching once it had already begun playing . I asked him why did he kill himself and he said it was appropriate . It was " The End " and he had nothing more to give . I felt sad when he said that but he studied my face gravely , then laughed at my sympathy , " Don 't feel sorry for me . I had a good life . I owed a lot of people money but none of them have come after me for it ! " I laughed and shook my head . " I too have a saying … Heaven , Georgia Power can 't find you there ! " He grinned and said , " My saying was better ! " we both cracked up laughing . " So what do I owe the pleasure ? " he asked me with a serious look . I took a sip of tea and looked him in the eye . " I wanted to talk to you . You are a writer and I want to be better writer . So I figured , if I 'm going , I might as well go to the top ! I admire you . Your attitude was nonchalant , you enjoyed your life . You didn 't seem to stress or sweat the small stuff . If you did , you didn 't show it . " He gave a sigh of relief and said , " Thank God ! I was afraid the suicide would be a dead giveaway that I was stressed ! " I guess I looked shocked because he laughed and said " You are so easy to tease ! ! I was human . I had stress , my own kind of stress and when it was time to leave , like Frankie , I did it my way ! " I smiled at his snippet . He continued , " You are a lot like me though … your thinking is aggressive , you are narrow minded at times , creative and you hate criticism . That is why you will be a great writer . " " You were a great writer " I gushed . " I know " he said smugly " And you have Daddy issues ! " " I know . " I said grimly . " I have always loved older men " He chuckled . I told him that I felt he described my feelings exactly when he said in one of his books ; ' Sometimes I would start a new story and could not get it going . Then I would stand and look out over the roofs of Paris and think . I would say to myself : " all you have to do is write one true sentence . Write the truest sentence you know . So finally , I would write a true sentence and go on from there . It was a wonderful feeling when I had worked well . " He smiled and asked " You 've been to Paris ? " I laughed and said " Lord No ! Not even Paris , Georgia ! I 've been to Florida but I felt the same way you must have felt . Happy and fulfilled when I had a great day of writing and finding that peace , except for the fact my peace came from looking at the Gulf of Mexico . " He nodded his head in agreement . " As writers we have to find that place , that safe place we can go and start a new story without the fear of losing the first story . " I nodded with agreement and said , " Sometimes I start a story and I hit a wall . I cannot go any further . It feels wrong , like I am fighting the idea , trying to force it out . But in the end , it wins the wrestling match , I tap out every time . I have to walk away from it and try something different . " He looked at me and said " Haven 't you heard ? You were not meant to write every story . They are not all of yours to tell . " I threw my hands up and said " Why do I feel that I need to be writing down everything that comes out of your mouth ? " He took a long drink and sat the glass down . " Who was it that said age and experience will overcome youth and enthusiasm every time ? " We both smiled . I answered , " Neither of us can claim that one ! " He rolled his eyes and snickered . He asked " Did you always know you were a writer ? " I hesitated then proceeded slowly trying to find the right words . " I have always loved to tell stories . I love to hear people laugh . I love to make them laugh ! In my family we all have a great sense of humor and storytelling was just what we all did to entertain each other . When we all got together we would tell stories about our childhood , about each other , and about Mama beating the daylights out of us and anyone else who got in her path . Did you know our entire family was barred from the Waffle House in Columbus , Georgia because Mama threw a woman through a plate glass window one night ? " He laughed heartily and said " I had heard stories but thought they were a little farfetched for such a small woman ! " I vigorously shook my head no and said " That little Puerto Rican woman was a hand full of good grief when she was younger ! I 've seen her make grown men cry ! Anyhow after my brothers and I grew up we could retell the stories without being in fear for our lives . We even learned to exaggerate and embellish the stories for a larger laugh or gasp if we had to ; but our family was so darn crazy we didn 't need much embellishment ! That is one of the reasons that bartending was such a great job for me . I was able to do what I loved ( tell jokes and stories ) and get paid for it , but the problem always started after 11 pm . " I said seriously . His eyes widened and he leaned it as to hear a great trade secret . " What happened after 11pm ? " I leaned in too and whispered , " Everyone was drunk by then and turned into a bunch of non - tipping assholes . " He laughed out loud and said sarcastically , " Now there is a visual ; a bar full of assholes . " " Not just assholes , non - tipping assholes . People quit tipping after they get drunk , or they do it absentmindedly . One guy may give you a five dollar bill , or a few coins from his change ; or worse , no tip at all ! It was a crap shoot to see how much money I made . I had some regular customers that tipped well and helped me raise my kids on those tips . But looking back it was a hard way to make a living . " I think I struck a nerve with him . He had a faraway look , perhaps remembering one or two thousand of the bar maids in his lifetime . He frowned a little and said " I think I was a terrible tipper , all of the time ! Before I published my book I was broke , after I was published I was cheap . " My eyes widened and I said " Well then every barmaid will remember you forever . It is burned in their minds those who never tipped , those who tipped a little and those who tipped excellent . You probably would have gotten more rum in your cola if you had tipped better ! " " Trust me , I had enough rum in my cola ! " he said with a roar of laughter . His eyes twinkled when he laughed and it made me blush . I feel like if we had been friends in another time I would have called him Cheevie because he just looked mischievous ! " So you didn 't answer my question , did you always know you were a writer ? " he asked again . I said " Yes . I knew it was in me . So many crazy situations were happening in my life , I knew they needed to be recorded because no one would believe it was real , some of it I didn 't want anyone to know about but I figured I 'd tell my own version of the truth . And let the world decide . " He looked at me and said " Remember what they taught you in the Police Academy about six people seeing the same accident and yet you will get six different statements from those six different people and you will wonder if they all saw the same accident ? " I nodded yes ; he continued , " Life is like that . Some may see you as a hero , others a coward , some may see a drunk , some may see a person who enjoys drinking . It doesn 't matter how they see you , it doesn 't change who you are . You can 't be all things to all people and you will certainly never please everyone . It is not possible . Even if you write down your version of the truth , you will never convince everyone or anyone of your guilt or innocence . People believe what they want and especially if it makes them look good or makes you look bad . " Suddenly it hit me , " Hey ! How did you know I was a Police Officer and went to the academy ? " He just smiled mischievously . It was so easy to sit and talk to him . " You know I had a list of questions I wanted to ask you about writing but they are pretty much fading away . " I said sullenly . " We have plenty of time . This is just the first course . " " I thought we would be talking about all of your books and what you were thinking when you wrote them . " He turned the question back on me , " What do you think about when you write stories ? " I bit my lip and said " You know … I tried to explain this to my Mama when I wrote the short story about Leroy . The boy who wanted to grow up and be a preacher ; he didn 't believe in God but he saw all the perks to being preacher by watching an immoral preacher . It was a great story but I don 't feel like I even wrote it . It just came to me and I couldn 't stop until I was finished . My sweet Mama was so mad at me ! She asked me why did it have to be a preacher ? Why couldn 't it be a plumber or an attorney ? I told her that I didn 't pick the stories , they chose me . " He smiled and said " Exactly . You are the tool that is being used to bring the story to print . We are the middle man so to speak . " I sat there in amazement . Finally ! I was finally able to talk to someone who understood what I had been feeling and could explain some of it to me ! " You know this is one of the most enjoyable and memorable nights of my life . " I gushed . He raised his glass to me , " I 'm delighted to be a part of it . " " How do I improve my talent ? " " Write , fish and drink " he answered . My cheeks were suddenly hot with embarrassment . Those were the 3 words I had written down one day when I was reading about him on the Internet . The article had stated he liked to write in the morning , fish in the afternoon and drink at night . As if baring my soul I offered , " My addiction is food . I wasn 't judging you for drinking . It was the fishing I had a problem with . " He laughed at my comment . " Now , I 'm teasing you ! I admired you for living your life , something I have always been afraid to do . " He sighed . " Stop being afraid lamb . Life is for living . Put a little of that admiration in your coffee dear and drink it . You 've got some talent . Here 's your scoop . You need to be more descriptive in your stories . You have got to read and reread what you have written . You don 't enjoy doing that , because you just want to finish the story . It is like the story you wrote entitled Danni . It is a good story but you were so damn scared you would forget , you did an outline to keep it fresh , then you walked away from it , like it was finished . Don 't quit . Write every day . It helps you grow as a writer . Read other writer 's work . Learn some grammar . You write like you talk and that is not always appropriate for your stories , unless you are writing southern television shows . " I smiled and shook my head in agreement . " I know everything you are saying is correct . It is almost like I am scared of my own stories . I remember hearing of an actor who didn 't like to watch her own movies ; she said it creeped her out . I feel somewhat the same way . When I read what I 've written it is like I am seeing it for the first time . " Even though I cannot remember one bite of food or another sip of iced tea . Dinner seemed to be coming to an end and I felt a panic . I didn 't want it to end . He was so funny and easy to talk to . " Speak ! " He commanded . I blushed and blurted out " Normally , I don 't share this part of my life with others because they just didn 't understand that I loved to write . They don 't " get it . " My own Son said " That 's awesome , but I think I will wait for the movie Ma " when I tried to show him my first short story . My feelings were hurt that he didn 't want to read it but I had to pretend like it was okay . It was my dream not his . My daughter humors me by reading almost everything I write . She is an amazing editor , really calling me out on my mistakes . ' Take out this sentence , this doesn 't make sense , then , it was really good Mom . ' I think it boost my confidence when she is around to help me . I just don 't trust too many people with my work … it 's personal . The few other people I let read my stories said they were " nice . " Nice is not what I was hoping for unfortunately . " He smiled and said " Not everyone is going to understand why you do what you do . If you have one person who can help you to not murder your dream , then you are blessed . " My turn came to ask him a question , " Do you remember the first time someone asked you if you were a writer ? " I asked eagerly . " Oh yes . I was writing on a cocktail napkin … no wait that was in a book I wrote … A moveable feast . " We laughed because that is the very book I am reading now , he continued . " As a teenager , I would keep a list of places I wanted to go , things I wanted to do . As I grew , the list grew . My cousin found the list and made terrible fun of me asking ' so what ? Do you think you are a famous writer ? ' I said " yes ! " defiantly and strange as it sounds , I knew from that moment writing would be what I would do with my life . I think I felt the same way you did when that waiter at the Thai restaurant asked if you were a writer and you answered yes for the first time . " I smiled remembering that day . " I had taken my notebook out to jot down some little memory when he came to take my order . He talked all the way thru my lunch . It was interesting but intrusive at the same time . I don 't remember tasting one bite of that expensive lunch ! How do you know these things about me without me telling you ? " He smiled and said " Aren 't you the one who said men think they know everything ? I just happen to ! " I rolled my eyes at him and we laughed . Yes , he was very much the kind of person that I would have enjoyed being friends with if we had been born , same time , same place . He was funny , smart , handsome and easy to talk with . I felt I was dining with a lifelong friend who was giving me advice from his heart . " Every experience is an opportunity . Good or bad , own it . The peace you get from the Gulf of Mexico can be found in other things too . You don 't have to drive to the beach just to get a soul cleansing . Peace can be found in something as simple as a 1941 nickel , or a baby picture , you get to choose what determines you or destroys you . Up until this moment you have been a mess , always concerned about public opinion . Screw the public . They don 't have to answer for your decisions , you do . All you want them to do is buy your stories ! " Tears welled up in my eyes . Dang ! I didn 't want to cry in front of him . " You can cry if you want . Remember that boyfriend you had that told everyone you were a crier . That you cried all the time ? He was a real jerk ! It 's okay to cry , your tears are an expression of who you are . You are sensitive , irrational at times , emotional , caring and always on the look - out for opportunity to do what is right . Truth is in you and all around you . You just have to open your spiritual eyes to be able to see it . That turtle that you keep worrying about , the one that always crosses that busy road , he does it … because he can . He knows if he makes it , there is more to his life on the other side . When you see him dead on the road ; instead of pity , you should feel pride that he died trying to get to the other side . " " I never thought of it that way . " I responded in almost a whisper . " I 'm just not normal ! " He looked somber and said " You are a writer . The normal ship sailed without you long ago . " I gasped ! " You didn 't say that ! You got that from Pinterest ! Terri Main said that ! I 've got it on my Vision board ! " His laughter was like a lion 's roar , loud and strong . It filled our space and embraced us ! " Inspiration can be found anywhere ! It is one of the few things in life that is free . " He took my hand and raised it to his lips . " It was a pleasure . Summon me at your will . I have plenty of time on my hands " he winked at me and smiled . As he stood to leave , he looked down at me and said , " Oh and Arlene , read my books and stories before admiring me or my work . I was just a man . " I smiled , and then he was gone .
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Thankfully , I was able to get a bunch of hours with my sister 's company . Actually , I guess I should stop calling it " my sister 's company " since I am also their employee now , but whatever . We 've been working like crazy since Black Friday . Today will probably be my only day off until Christmas . The only downside this year is that I 'm actually working WITH my sister ( no , THAT ' S not the downside , smartasses ! ) which means I 'm working downtown . The commute alone makes me hate it . I 'm definitely not loving it like I did last holiday season , when I was at a suburban mall . But , the money is decent , and Lord knows , I need it . Stud has been obsessed lately with getting a Wii - U . He 's been talking about it , non - stop , for weeks . And , yes , he 's been annoying the bejeezus out of me with it ! The thing that was bugging me the most is that his car insurance is due in the next couple of weeks , and we told him that HE needed to pay it this time . His father and I have been paying his insurance since he started driving . He didn 't really have a " real " job then , so it wasn 't really a big deal . Plus , I DID have a " real " job , and we could swing it . Anyhoo , like I told you the other day , I threw a surprise party for him this past weekend . Thanks to my VERY generous family , he received enough money in gifts to pay his insurance AND get his new Wii - U . He went to buy it last night . I swear , he was like a little kid on Christmas morning . I can 't believe he didn 't try and set it up last night when he got home . He went to buy it with a friend , and then they watched a movie . But , today , when he finally came up from his " cave , " he started setting it up in the living room . Unfortunately for him , he couldn 't even play with it until he charged the main controller , which took a couple hours . But , as I sit here typing , he 's in the living room , having a blast . Moments like this make it even harder to believe that he 's actually 21 now . . . . I guess he 'll always be my baby boy . = ) I know I dropped the ball this weekend , and didn 't post Saturday or Sunday . ( Hey , I said I was unofficially doing NaBloPoMo . . . ) But , I got busy and just didn 't make it here . Saturday , the son of one of my besties got married . The ceremony was at 12 : 30 , and the reception was at 6 , so it turned into kind of an all - day thing . Everything about the day was beautiful . We really had a nice time at the reception , too . Have you ever known me to keep a post so short ? ! There are basically zero details here , huh ? Very out of character for me , as you already know , I 'm a total over - sharer ( yes , that IS a word ! ) But , I 'm tired , and not feeling so great , so that 's all you 're getting , sorry . My sweet friend , VodkaMom , wrote an awesome book . Every one of my teacher friends will relate to the hilarious stories and anecdotes in this masterpiece . Even if you 're not a teacher , you will laugh your ass off ! ! If you 've never checked out Vodka 's blog , you have no idea what you 've been missing . She is hysterical ! If you have any teachers in your life , this is the PERFECT little gift for the holidays . Actually , it would be a great gift for any parent . Hell , it would be an awesome gift for anyone with a sense of humor ! I 'm so proud of my girlfriend . This was a true labor of love . And , damn it , she makes me miss being in a classroom with her stories about her babies ! I was blown away when I opened my copy , and got to the third page of her " Acknowledgements . " She included me in a list of Bloggy Buddies that she was thanking ! I 'm still a bit weepy over it . I got to watch the " Winter Finale * " of Grey 's Anatomy and Scandal tonight , live . Yep , I wasn 't needed at the bar again tonight . Poop for the lack of business , and lack of paycheck for me , BUT yay for live vs . DVR . So , around 11 this morning , I got a phone call . All I heard when I answered the phone was , " Lee Lee ? I was wondering if you would like to come ovuh ? " It was my Monkey ! ! ! I jumped in the shower , and got dressed , and an hour and half later , I was at my brother 's . ( Have I mentioned how much I HATE how far he lives from me ? ! ? ! ) While I was driving , it occurred to me that tonight is an overnight for him , and I immediately started plotting in my head how I was going to get to take her home with me . ; - ) Later tonight , we are having a Girls ' Night at my mom 's house . My mom , sister , sister - in - law KC ( Ok , my brother 's long - time girlfriend , but after almost 15 freakin ' years , we consider her our sister - in - law ! ) , a good friend of ours and myself try to plan these Girls ' Nights every couple of months . We usually do them at our friend 's house , but this time , my mom volunteered to host . I started thinking I would ask my brother if Monkey could join us for Girls ' Night for a while , then he could come pick her up later . I was really going to play up the angle that if I took her with me , he could run errands , go to the bar and get some work done , or just nap . I was prepared to pull out all the stops until I wore him down , and he let me take my Monkey home . SCORE ! ! Way to go , KC ! ! Long story short , my Monkey is currently sound asleep in my bed . When she gets up from her nap , we are going to make cookies to take to Nonna 's house for Girls ' Night . Yay ! ! When Stud left for school this morning , the windchill was - 11 ° . Like his mother , he tried to walk out of here in just a T - shirt and hoodie . I finally got him to put a coat on , convincing him that a hoodie is fine if he 's running from the car to the building , but God forbid his car broke down , or he got stuck somewhere , a hoodie wasn 't gonna cut it for more than about 5 minutes . ( In fairness to me , I always keep a coat in my car , even if I don 't wear it . I also have gloves , mittens , ear muffs , and hand warmers . I like to be prepared , ya know . ) I guess we nearly broke a record for our low / high temps today . Apparently , the average high temp for today is 47 ° , but we only hit 19 ° . Ahhhh , refreshing . . . . Yeah , I know , this post is painfully boring . But , hey , I needed an excuse to use my newly discovered degrees sign ! ! ; - ) For the second Monday in a row now , my brother told me not to bother going to work at the bar tonight . You might remember he had me stay home last Thursday , too . Did he fire me and not tell me ? ! Actually , it 's been a little slow lately at the bar , which is why he doesn 't really want me to drive all the way out there . It would be a waste of my time . Plus , it saves him on some payroll . I 'm ok with it , really . Once again , I get to watch my shows live , instead of on the DVR in the middle of the night . It 's so funny to me that my two favorite nights for television are Monday and Thursday , and those are the two nights I work at the bar . Anyhoo , I 'm off to watch Dancing with the Stars . LIVE ! = ) Like I mentioned the other day , I barely sleep anymore . So , I 've been up for hours now ( it 's about 8 : 15am ) and I 've been watching our outdoor temp slowly climb each hour during the weather segment of my favorite morning news show . Right now , it 's all the way up to a balmy 13 °. = ) So , Magnum bought another snow blower today . I guess the flurries and slight ( SLIGHT ! ) accumulation we had yesterday scared him or something . I had absolutely nothing to do with this decision . He didn 't even tell me until after he already bought it online . He only mentioned it because we had to clean out the back of my truck so we could pick it up . I know I posted about the snow blower we bought last year . I don 't know if I mentioned that immediately after we bought it , the one we have at his parents ' house stop working . We had bought a second one so we wouldn 't have to keep transporting the one we already had from house to house , and in the windup , that 's what we ended up doing all winter anyway . : - / I guess at some point this summer , unbeknownst to me , he actually had his brother - in - law help him take the broken blower to a guy to see about getting it fixed . This goofy guy told him he only fixes lawn mowers in the summer , and snow blowers in the winter . HUH ? ! He told Magnum to bring it back in November . That makes absolutely no sense to us , but he wouldn 't budge . So , bottom line , it 's still sitting in his parents ' garage , not working . Magnum 's plan is to keep this new one at his parents ' house , and then get the old one fixed and keep it at MY parents ' house . ( They have the smallest amount of ground that needs to be shoveled . Our house and his parents ' both have very long , double - width driveways ) That will definitely make it a lot easier to take care of their snow . It 's not that easy to drag that huge snow blower around , taking it in and out of my truck . We did that with our lawnmower for years , too , before my parents just decided to get a lawn service . You should see how torn up the back of my truck is from dragging these two huge machines around . Just for the record , I thinks it 's excessive for us to own three snow blowers , but like I said , it 's his money . However , I will admit that I 'm grateful I won 't have to shovel the huge snowfalls anymore , and that I won 't have to wait for Magnum to be around to take the machine in and out of the truck for me . I like to be able to do things by myself , ya know ? Anyhoo , that was our excitement today . We really live a wild and crazy life . We should really try and take it down a notch , don 't you think ? ( How obvious is it that I 'm unofficially participating in NaBloPoMo ? ! For the two people who hadn 't figured it out , that accounts for the super boring , super rambling posts lately . But , it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back into the swing of posting regularly again . ) We visited with my mom for a while , telling her the whole saga of the missing phone . Then we eventually said our good - byes so we could head to the bank . As we were walking out her door , Stud says , " Hey , where are my glasses ? ! " ARE YOU FREAKIN ' KIDDING ME ! ? ? ! I KNOW he had them on his face when we were walking out of Walmart , so we figured they HAD to be either in my car , or my parents ' house . But , lately , he has gotten into this habit of hanging his glasses on the collar of his shirt . You know , instead of actually WEARING them ! ! So , there was no telling where the hell he might have actually lost them . My fear was they fell off his shirt when he was either helping me put our bags in the car or when he was putting our empty cart in the cart corral . If either of those had happened , all I could picture was his glasses smashed in the parking lot , having been run over by who knows how many cars . He and his grandmother looked all over her house , while I searched every nook and cranny of the car . Nothing . We decided we had to drive all the way back to Walmart and search the lot . Grrrr ! We drove back to the area where I thought I had parked , and looked up and down the parking lot , and in the cart corrals . No glasses . Stud went into the store and asked at customer service if anyone had turned in any glasses . Nope . He then went and looked in every single cart at the entrance . Nothing . We did one more drive through the parking lot , but didn 't find anything . By now , my blood pressure was sky - high , and I may or may not have been screaming at him about how damn irresponsible he is , and how HE was going to be paying for a new pair of glasses , while listening to him whine about how now he can 't even drive because he needs his glasses . The whole scene was something out of a bad reality TV show . I 'm not proud of it , but I know how I can get . : - / We finally left Walmart , and headed to the bank , then went home . Magnum was already home when we got there . I walked into my bathroom , and the first thing I saw on my sink was a pair of men 's glasses next to my own glasses . I asked Magnum if they were his , but they weren 't . I called Stud over , and you guessed it . They were his ! What . The . Actual . Fuck . I haven 't got anything close to a rational explanation for how those glasses ended up in my bathroom . Well , other than Divine Intervention , that is . The entire time I was driving back to Walmart , I was praying and praying for us to find those glasses . Right now , we really can 't afford to be replacing glasses that cost over $ 350 . Plus , like Stud said , he can 't drive without them , and it would have taken a minimum of a week to have a new pair made . I would have had to drive him everywhere until the new ones were ready . I should probably mention that he DOES has a second pair , but they broke about a month ago , and we never got around to bringing them to the eye doctor to get repaired , mostly because I was afraid of how much it would cost . So , yeah , I was praying hard to find this pair . Not only do I KNOW he had them on his face when we left Walmart , there would have been no reason for his glasses to be in my bathroom in the first place . Magnum and Stud are basically barred from using " my " bathroom . They share the bathroom in the basement , and I have the upstairs bathroom all to myself . Magnum is lucky I let him occasionally pee in there so he doesn 't have to go down to the basement every time . But , Stud just about NEVER uses my bathroom . MAYBE once a week , if that . That 's mostly because he never ventures up from the basement unless he 's at work or school . My point is , I have no freakin ' clue how or why those glasses were in my bathroom , but you better believe a sent up a giant prayer of gratitude . My mother was completely freaked out by this whole thing . How about you ? Does it freak you out or reaffirm your faith ? I 'd love to hear what you have to say . Stud and I had a very busy day today . He worked early this morning at the grocery store , then when he came home , we took a drive out to his school to take care of a few things . He needed to pick up his paycheck , and find out about , what we thought were , missing checks . We were there for quite a while , and walked from one end of the campus to the other . We walked back across the campus to the car , and as we were getting in , Stud realized his phone was missing . UGH ! He frantically searched the car , but it wasn 't in there . We then realized we were going to have to retrace every step we had taken in the last hour and a half . Double UGH ! Now , let me back up a minute and get some bitching out of the way . When Stud came home from work , he changed out of his uniform . He put on a T - shirt , and his flippin ' pajama pants . I can 't STAND it when he wears his pajama pants out in public , which he does all the damn time , including to class . Granted , they are solid black and fleecy , as opposed to plaid flannel , or something like that , so they sort of just look like sweatpants . But , still , I think he just looks sloppy , because they are so loose and baggy . I asked him to put jeans on , but he refused . So , now let 's go back to school . We established that the phone must have fallen out of his pocket . He got back out of the car , and started retracing his steps . Oh , wait , I forgot to mention that as we walked from building to building , I used to concrete walking paths . Stud , on the other hand , took the " short cut " and walked across the grass . I 'm pretty sure it was just to annoy me . : - / He started to walk across the first patch of grass he walked across when we got there , then went into the building . I originally was going to wait in the car , since it was freezing outside , plus I was pissed at him for being so irresponsible . But , after about a minute , I figured , what the hell , I might as well look , too . I took about 5 steps across the grass , between the same two trees he JUST walked between , and lo and behold , there , buried in the carpet of ivy on the ground , was his damn phone . I think I was more annoyed that he had just walked past it a minute ago and didn 't even see it , than the fact that he dropped it in the first place . Stud seems to have whatever that gene is that most men have . When they are " looking " for something , unless it jumps up and bites them in the nose , they can 't see it . ANNOYING ! After I found the phone , I still ended up having to literally chase Stud all around campus . Gee , if only I could have called him on his PHONE to say I found his PHONE . He was too far ahead of me to even try yelling across the open campus for him . I had to just hope that at some point , he would stop long enough for me to catch up . Luckily , that 's exactly what happened . I finally found him in the department office where he works , on the phone with security , trying to see what they could do for him . Ok , so we walked ALL the way back to the car again , and went on our merry way . From there we went straight to my favorite store ( yes , Walmart ! ) We were there for a while , then had to stop at my parents ' on the way home to pick up one of his paychecks before heading to the bank . That 's when the next part of this craptastic day happened . But , I 'm going to save it for tomorrow , so I 'll have something to post about . Besides , this post has already been WAY too long , and WAY too boring ! ; - ) Ok , so I was watching Grey 's Anatomy ( in REAL TIME , yay ! ) when Stud walked in the back door from school . He brought a friend home , who I haven 't seen in a while . I had gotten up to see who was coming in the back door , but then literally ran back to my room when I saw it was them . I yelled over my shoulder , " Hi ! Sorry , I 'll be back at the commercial ! ! " When the commercial break came , I ran down to the basement to say hello properly , and apologize again to his friend . She just laughed , and said , " Don 't worry about it . What are you watching ? " Without even skipping a beat , I excitedly blurted out , " ER ! " What the hell just came out of my mouth ? ! ? ! I instantly started laughing , as did both of them . Stud then said , while rolling his eyes , " I think she means Grey 's Anatomy . . . " Man , it sucks getting old . . . . My brother just told me not to bother coming in to work again tonight . While I 'm thankful for not having to leave the house , I 'm feeling a little guilty for not going . Even on nights when we aren 't super busy , I like that I 'm there to be his eyes and ears . But , since it 's after 6 , and I STILL haven 't gotten dressed today , I 'm thankful to not have to go out . Did I mention it 's been snowing on and off , and it 's in the 20s right now ? I didn 't do a damn thing today . I never even got out of my pajamas . Now , I DID wash my face and brush my teeth , but that 's as far as I got . Other than putting the dogs out a couple times , I didn 't even get off my bed until about 2 : 00 . I emptied the dishwasher , then moved to the couch . Oh , yes I really did . I stayed parked there , catching up on the shows on my DVR , until Stud came home from school . Then , I warmed up some left over chili for us for dinner , and went right back to the couch . Now , I 'm snuggled up , back in my bed . Some day , huh ? It 's kind of like the world knew I needed a day like this . I didn 't get one single call or text all day . That NEVER happens . I haven 't been getting much sleep lately . I 'm lucky if I get about 3 hours a night these days . So , this was the perfect day to just rest up . Let 's hope I can get to sleep at a decent time tonight . Actually , that 's not really the problem . It 's the STAYING asleep that gets me . It would be great to not be awake until midnight , only to wake up around 3 , and then be up for the rest of the night . Ugh . Well , if that happens again tonight , it 'll probably mean that I 'll get a call to take Monkey tomorrow . That 's what USUALLY happens when I haven 't gotten any sleep . But , that 's absolutely fine with me ! Grab your Kleenex before hitting play . . . I just spent 10 minutes and 3 seconds sobbing . . . There are a million more like this online . I don 't know how many more I can take , but I 'm off to grab a new box of Kleenex , and find out . So , Stud had to take the day off work today to attend traffic court . What a joke ! About a month ago , he got pulled over by some cop who clearly had nothing better to do , and got THREE tickets ! ( And , as the ex - wife of a cop , and someone who comes from a cop family , I 'm allowed to bad mouth cops ! : P ) One ticket was for a headlight that was out . Now , granted , it was NOT shining , however , there is a short or something in the light , and you have to literally smack it to get it to come on . Magnum has been doing it for years . Did I mention Stud was driving Magnum 's car ? Magnum even found a couple things online about this particular problem in Mazda 6s , which is what he has . The third ticket was for not having insurance . Hang on , OF COURSE we have insurance on that car . Unfortunately for Stud , he couldn 't find the insurance card because he was driving his father 's car , and didn 't know where Magnum put it . After the cop walked away to start writing the tickets , Stud found the card . When the cop came back , Stud told him he found it , but the cop basically told him it was too bad , he already wrote the ticket . While the cop was sitting in his car writing away , Stud called me to tell me what was going on . When the cop came back , Stud just set the phone down , so I could hear what the cop was saying . He told Stud that all he had to do was come to court , show receipts for the light bulbs and bring the insurance card , and it would all be thrown out . Sure enough , that 's what happened . Now , trust me , I 'm thrilled that there was not even a court fee or anything , and we walked away without having to pay one cent ( other than the replacement bulbs ) . But , it just irritates me that Stud had to request the day off , and that we had to sit there for over an hour before being called . The courtroom was chock - full of people , the majority of whom were there for basically the same type of tickets ( headlights , plate lights ) . Apparently , that must have been the focus of this town 's police force last month . The thing is , every case was being dismissed , so the city wasn 't even making any revenue off these cases . What exactly was the point then ? Just to inconvenience people ? I don 't get it . I realized while we were sitting there that I could have just gone by myself , in Stud 's place , and he wouldn 't have had to give up a day of work . A few people who were there were there in place of others . I wish I had known that . Since Stud is in school full - time , his availability for work is limited , so he needs all the hours he can get . I never slept last night ( long story ) so I 've been dragging all day . I seriously considered skipping church this morning , since Magnum had to work , and thought about just sleeping for a few hours . But , I decided to go anyway , especially since one of my 5 jobs now is working for our church . Anyway , I wasn 't home 5 minutes when Magnum came rushing through the door . He was still working , but had to stop home for something . I ended up leaving with him , and hung out with him while he worked for a few hours . Afterward , we came home , I made a giant pot of chili , and now I 'm snuggled up , waiting to watch my Sunday shows . I probably won 't make it through the first 5 minutes , though , because I 'm freakin ' exhausted . Just to give you an idea of how tired I actually am , my brother called while I was cooking , to tell me he was on his way to our parents ' house , with my Monkey . I actually told him I was too tired to drive over there . I passed on seeing my Monkey ! ! Yeah , now that I just typed that out , I may have to reconsider . Especially since my parents only live about 20 blocks away , for Pete 's sake . My local Walmart has been undergoing some remodeling for several months now . I have not shopped there in months because of it . It was just too chaotic and confusing . I can only imagine how much money I have saved by not going there . I 'm not even exaggerating even a little bit . Magnum and I always made a Walmart run every Saturday as part of our errands . Then , most weeks , I would stop there at least one other day during the week , sometimes even two or three days . It was almost an illness . : - / I went there today for the first time in months . I should be too embarrassed to even share this , but I was there for almost 3 hours . Yep , seriously . Three . Hours . I just slowly strolled up and down the aisles , taking my time , checking things out . I even went in the Christmas room , just to look around . It was a great way to kill an afternoon . The best part ? I walked out of there for under $ 65 ! Really . The whole reason I went there is because Junior somehow lost his collar about a month ago . We 've looked everywhere for it . I 'm fairly certain it is probably under our deck , since it 's the only place we can 't look . He likes to go under there , and I 'm thinking it probably got caught on something , and slid off when he pulled himself free . Anyway , I kept meaning to just pick up another collar at Walmart , along with a new tag . So , a quarter of what I spent was on the goofy dog , which makes me feel even better . Oh , and about half of what I spent was for Stud . So , bottom line , I spent almost nothing on myself . I consider that a win ! We had an AWESOME day , full of " adventures . " As soon as I picked her up , we jumped right on the expressway , and drove up to the school where I last worked . I won 't bore you with too many details , but she basically was in her glory ! This baby desperately needs to go to school ! I 'll leave it at that , because I don 't want to start complaining about her parents . . . From there , we drove to meet Magnum for lunch . We had a blast . She is just so damn cute . She instantly won the heart of the woman who owns the restaurant where we ate . Her uncle was thrilled to have her all to himself for an hour . It was quite a long drive to get back home , and I was hoping she 'd fall asleep and get a good nap in , but that little trooper fought it almost all the way . She finally conked out about 10 minutes before we got home . That actually worked out better , since I was able to get her out of the car without waking her up . After a nice nap , we got up , and she got to sing Happy Birthday to Stud , and have some birthday cake . Score ! 21 years ago today , at 4 : 43 am , the greatest love of my life entered this world , weighing 8 lbs 2oz , and measuring 20 1 / 2 inches long . Ok , I know none of these are new . Truthfully , all of them were pulled from this blog . I just have not had a chance to look for any new ones . However , that doesn 't make them any less adorable , right ? This started out as a place to document the craziness that was my job as a Chicago Public School teacher . However , over the past 5 or so years , it 's become more about the craziness that is my life . View my complete profile
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Monday , July 6th , 2015 Posted on July 6 , 2015 by cielodrive . com On Monday , December 1 , 1969 , Judge William Keene signed an order , requested by Attorney Richard Caballero , authorizing the removal of Sadie Mae Glutz , aka Susan Atkins , from the Sybil Brand Institute , between the hours of 2 : 30pm and 10 : 00pm . Atkins was taken to 425 South Beverly Boulevard , Beverly Hills - the law offices of Paul Caruso - where she was interviewed on tape by Caruso and Caballero for the purpose of determining a plea . The following is the transcript of the taped interview . SUSAN ATKINS : About two months prior to meeting him I was in an apartment in San Francisco and I was on LSD up on the roof and I just looked at the city and I couldn 't handle it . And I remember reaching up with my hands and there was no sky , just blue in my hands , and there was no depth to it . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , and I asked if God , just stop this world and take me off of it . About two months later , after travelling around for two or three months , I ended up in a house in San Francisco on Lime Street . It was primarily dope dealers . I got involved with them and then one day a little man came in with a guitar and started singing for a group of us that were together . And he sang , the song that hit me hardest was " The Shadow of His Smile " and his voice , his manner , just more or less hypnotized me - mesmerized me . I was just absolutely in love with him . I didn 't know him and I also felt I was in competition with him because he got more attention than I did . SUSAN ATKINS : And I asked him if I could play his guitar . Now , I didn 't know how to play the guitar , I knew maybe one or two chords on the guitar . And he said to me , sure , and handed me his guitar . And I looked at it and I thought to myself , I didn 't say it , I said I can 't play this and he turned around and he looked at me , straight in the eye , and said you can play that if you want to . And immediately I knew he was in my head and , wow , nothing like this ever happened before and it blew my mind . I was just with him from then on . SUSAN ATKINS : No , I handed it back to him after that . I plucked with it but handed it back . And he left and came back , you know , in about a period of two days and he took me off . You know , took me for a walk . Said do you want to go for a walk with me and and I said yes . I felt really privileged because all the girls in the house were just in love with him , his whole mannerism and the way he spoke . And we walked about two blocks away from where our house was to the place where he was staying in San Francisco and he took me into his room and said I want to make love with you and I said okay . Have you ever made love with your father . I said no . He said have you never thought about it ? And I got kind of embarrassed and said yeah , like two or three times . He told me to take off my clothes . I took off my clothes . There was a full length mirror in the room and he said notice yourself in the mirror . I couldn 't look at myself . He said , go ahead , look at yourself in the mirror - look how beautiful you are . I looked and I turned away and he pushed my head back and said Look , you 're perfect . And I said well , yes , it 's okay and while he was making love with me told me to imagine I was making love with my father to get me through that particular hangup that I had about my father . And about when we were through , it didn 't last long , it was better than I 'd ever had it before . It was the most beautiful experience I 'd ever experienced . He took me back to Lime Street house and then he left . And then he brought over two girls the next day , a girl by the name of Lynn Fromme and Patricia Krenwinkel and a Mary Brunner and said that they 'd just gotten a school bus and they were going to paint it black and fix up the inside and he asked , a couple of other girls , a girl by the name of Ella , I don 't know what her last name , Ella Bailey and another girl I don 't know what her name is and asked if they wanted to go along with him and I felt hurt because he didn 't ask me . And so I was talking to the other girl and they saPAUL CARUSO : You were too shy ? SUSAN ATKINS : Right . I wanted him to ask me . And he came back and was getting the two girls ready to go in the school bus with him and I was upstairs , it was a three story house , and he was talking to another girl . And at the time I had what I called " the little man " who was in jail - SUSAN ATKINS : No . I had just quit working as a topless dancer . He came up to me and said , " Well , are you going to go with me or aren 't you ? " I said , " Well , what about my old man in jail ? " And he said , " What do you mean ' your old man ' ? Don 't you mean your victim ? " I flashed , Wow , he 's right . I went downstairs and packed two changes of clothes , some of my mother 's things that I had with me , put it in a suitcase , put it in the bus , and off we went . And for about a year and a half all we did was travel around in that bus . Five girls and Charlie . SUSAN ATKINS : People gave us things . Charlie had such a way of communicating with us we were just all together in the bus going through our changes , getting to know each other , getting uninhibited so we could make love each other freely . And he put me through a few changes with Lynn and he would make love with Lynn and I 'd feel jealous and so would everybody else in the bus for the simple reason he always picked her . In all three years he only made love with me six times . PAUL CARUSO : Self - confidence . You should have it . That 's why it 's a shame for anybody to put you down because you shouldn 't be put down . You should have self - confidence . SUSAN ATKINS : That 's what Charles did for three years - he gave me my faith in myself back to me . One of the good things he did for me . Showed me how to be a woman and not to be a man - trap . In other words , I can control men if I wish to , but that 's not my place and I realize that now . SUSAN ATKINS : Right . He said you 're not afraid of me enough and I don 't know what it 's going to take to put that fear in you but you 're just not that afraid of me . And when he said that , I really became afraid of him and often times I would do things - I knew I was strong - I was stronger than most any of the girls there - I knew it . I would go through my changes and I would go through my changes silently ; more than openly and I knew I had a lot of influence with a lot of the girls . He even told me that once . He said that , You have more influence over these girls than any of the other girls . That you 've almost got more influence over them than me , but I 'm not going to let that happen . " SUSAN ATKINS : For him and the more I would do things to please him , the more he would tell me , don 't do it for me , do it for yourself . I don 't care about you . I just love you completely . SUSAN ATKINS : No , but then again I did because I was never asked to do things for him . All the other girls were asked to do things for him because he knew I was capable of doing things for him . And he wanted to give the other girls that chance - SUSAN ATKINS : I stabbed a man five or six times , but I would say that was in self - defense . I was ordered by a man by the name of Tex to kill a man . But I hesitated and because I hesitated the man got his chance to attack me and I luckily enough had a knife in my hand because the man was big he could have just one whack - PAUL CARUSO : You know I represented a suspect in that murder . You know that or don 't you know that ? If you don 't know , I 'll tell you that a man named Harrigan was arrest - well , not arrested by the police , but he was a prime suspect . So Harrigan and I went down to the police station and they interrogated him for about 4 hours - SUSAN ATKINS : Well , Charlie instructed us to go there and gave us a car and and told us all to get two changes of clothes , basically black , and we had been buying black clothes for what we call creepie - crawlies , we go around and creepy - crawlie people 's houses - we wouldn 't take anything - just for the experience of getting the fear and bringing ourselves to now . And he instructed us to get the clothes and our knives and such and such , and four of us got in the car and started going up to this place . Now Tex explained to us the situation at the house because he had seen the house . He 'd been up in the house . The house used to belong to Terry Melcher . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes . We know Terry very well . The reason Charlie picked that house was to instill fear into Terry Melcher because Terry had given us his word on a few things and never came through with them . So Charlie wanted to put some fear into him , let him know that what Charlie said was the way it is , just what he said . the way it is and his philosophy , most people call it . And we , he explained the set up of the house for us and had a set of bolt cutters with us , and ropes and a gun . One rope , that was a gun and each one of us had a knife . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , something like that , I would imagine . I don 't see a picture in my mind right now . If I flash on it , I 'll let you know . I believe , we drove up to the house , turned the car around , you know the set - up of the house , turned the car around and parked it between the gate and a neighbor 's house . We got out of the car , this is going downhill , we got out of the car and got the bolt cutter . Tex climbed up the telephone pole and snipped two wires , hoping that they were the telephone wires - one happened to be for the telephone and one for the - SUSAN ATKINS : - Utilities . Yes , utility line . Then we got back in the car , drove it down the hill and parked the car at the base of hill , up aways , so it wouldn 't look too suspicious . We walked back up the hill . We didn 't touch the gate because we didn 't know if it was electrified or not but you know there 's a slope on the driveway ? Well , we climbed up that hill and there was a small place where we could climb over the fence . So we went over the fence , four of us , and all of a sudden we saw light coming out and we knew it was a car and Tex told us to lay down and be still , so we all just did , exactly what he said , just laid down and be still . And just as the car drove into our sight , couldn 't actually see what happened , but I heard Tex say , " Stop - halt " and he had the gun on this young boy and I heard the boy say , " Please don 't hurt me - I won 't say anything and the gun went off four times . And Tex came back and said come on and we proceeded to go , you know how the front door is ? Well , there 's a window right next to it . He lifted up and opened the window , went inside and around and opened the front door . We had no idea how many people were in the house . When we got into the living room , there was a man sleeping on the couch and his head was , the back of it was facing me . Tex went around in front and the man woke up thinking it was a friend of his . He said " What time is it ? " - I forget the name he said , and Tex stood in front with with the gun and said don 't move or you 're dead . Then he motioned for us to come and stand behind the couch and we left Linda outside to listen for sounds . It surprised me that nobody heard the gunshots but they weren 't that loud . It was a very quiet gun . And then Tex let me in and said go check the other rooms . So I went down the hall to Abigail Folger 's bedroom and Sharon Tate 's bedroom . PAUL CARUSO : Jay Sebring ? SUSAN ATKINS : Yes . They were talking and didn 't see me . And I looked back at Abigail Folger and said , What are you reading " ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , I didn 't . I came back out and I told Tex , there 's three more in there . And so he told me take the rope and tie up what ever , his name is - SUSAN ATKINS : Frykowski . And I was shaking so bad I couldn 't tie his hands but I got the rope around and couldn 't pull it tight . And he just , he was so petrified he just laid there and didn 't say a word . And he kept asking Tex , " What do you want ? What do you want ? " " Who are you ? " And Tex said , " I 'm the devil , I 'm here to do the devil 's business . " And , " We want all your money . Where 's your money ? " He said , " My money 's in the wallet on the desk " and Tex told me to go over and look on the desk and I said , " Tex , it 's not there " . And then Tex said " go in and get the other people and bring them out here . " So I took my knife and I went in and stood by Abigail Folger 's bed and said " Go out in the living room " and " Don 't ask any questions " . And I went into Sharon Tate 's room and told them to go out in the living room . And the three of them were pretty much terrified by what was going on . And Tex took the rope and tied it to Sebring and Tate together and put the rope over the - SUSAN ATKINS : Did all three of them that way . No , before I go to that . He , Jay Sebring , came into the living room and said " What 's going on " and Tex said , " Go over and sit down " . Jay Sebring proceeded to advance on Tex and Tex shot him . And he fell on the floor . I think he fell on his side because I saw him laying on his side . And Sharon went through a few changes , ( laugh ) , quite a few changes . PAUL CARUSO : What did he throw over the beam ? Did he throw the rope over the beam and then tie them ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , he tied them up and then pulled it tight , and then threw it over so they couldn 't move either way . RICHARD CABALLERO : What did they pull over her head ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , but he didn 't move for a while and then - Tex proceeded to tie them up - Sebring - I had taken the rope off of him and proceeded to bind his hands with a towel I found in the bathroom . I didn 't do a very good job of that , evidently I wanted the man to get away . I don 't know , subconsciously I was thinking . I know I wasn 't thinking consciously at all . Then Tex said to him " Where 's your money " and Sharon or Abigail said " My money 's in my wallet " and Tex instructed me to go get it out of her wallet . And I untied her and she led me back and I told her , " You get it out " . She handed me $ 72 . 00 or $ 73 . 00 and said that 's all she had and said do you want my credit cards ? And I said no . She put the wallet back in and I proceeded to lead her back into the living room and tied her back up and put the rope back over the beam . And one of the ladies said " what are you going to do with us and Tex said , " You 're all going to die . " And this caused immediate panic . And Tex told me to kill the big man , Frykowski , well I went over to him and I raised the knife and I hesitated . And as I hesitated , he reached up and grabbed my hair , he started pulling my hair . So I had to fight for my life as far as I was concerned . I still had the knife . Somehow he managed to turn my head , he was still holding my hair and he was behind me , he , fell in the chair behind me , that was next to the couch this way and he was fighting and I was kicking him and I proceeded to stab him three or four times in the leg and then while this was going on , Abigail started getting loose and was fighting with Katie . Linda had evidently heard some noise and went back down and sat in the car so we had no watch for the outside . Well as this went on there was a lot of confusion going on , I don 't remember exactly what happened , but I remember seeing Frykowski going outside and as he was going outside he was yelling - for his life , he was screaming , really loud . And I said Tex , help me . Do something . Tex went over and RICHARD CABALLERO : Just a minute - did Frykowski get shot ? RICHARD CABALLERO : I want to ask one more question . When Tex first approached , when you called Tex to help you with Frykowski , Tex approached Frykowski , was Tex approaching , did he approach him from the back ? That 's what I want to know . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , but I don 't ' remember because I was on the floor . Sharon was starting to get herself loose from the rope and the Folger girl had already broken loose and was fighting with Katie and I was just standing there watching , there wasn 't much I could do . I had given my knife , I thought , to one of the other girls , the girl that was outside . Evidently I didn 't because she didn 't have it when we left so I figured I had lost it in the house , which threw paranoia into me as we left . I went over and got Sharon and put her in a head lock . She didn 't fight me , I just held her . Then she was begging me to let her go so she could a her baby and Katie was calling for me to help her because Folger was bigger than Katie and Katie had long , long hair . She was pulling on Katie 's hair and Katie was calling for me to help her . So I called to Tex to do something . Tex came back into the house and reached up to stab Folger and she looked at him and said , " You 've got me , I give up " and Tex stabbed her and she was on the floor . I think he stabbed her in the stomach because I saw her grab down here . And then Tex went back outside because the other man , Frykowski , had gone outside and was on the lawn by then , still running and calling for help and he proceeded to continue killing him . I would imagine that was SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , his whole outfit was mod . It looked like an Indian , East Indian outfit . Then Tex told me , Sharon Tate wanted to sit down , so I took her over and sat her down on the couch . She said all I want to do is have my baby and I knew I had to say something to her before she got hysterical and while I was talking to her I knew everything I was saying to myself , I wasn 't talking to her . " Woman , I have no mercy for you " and that was myself to only me . When the Folger girl started to go outside , Tex and Katie went outside and I just stayed there with Sharon . I 'm not sure whether Katie went outside or not . Then Tex came back in and said " Kill her " " Katie said to kill her " . I reached to grab ahold of her arms , I didn 't want to kill her , so I grabbed ahold of her arms and said , " Tex , I can 't kill her , I 've got her arms , You do it . " And Katie couldn 't kill her . So Tex stabbed her in the heart and he told us to get out . We , Katie and I , went running outside looking for Linda because we didn 't see her and yelling for her but we didn 't want to yell too loud . When Tex came out I said Tex do you have my knife ? , and he said no . I said Katie do you have my knife and she said no . So I said Linda must have it , I think I gave it to her . And he said , Sadie , go back and write something on the door . I didn 't want to go back into that house . SUSAN ATKINS : That 's the way I recollect it . I know we had one buck knife and it had black tape wrapped around it because the handle was broken off . Just a little piece . RICHARD CABALLERO : Where did you get the knife from ? SUSAN ATKINS : From the Ranch . It was stuck in wood . I don 't know where the knife actually came from . RICHARD CABALLERO : Things were pretty excited at that point . And you stopped in the car and as you will relate in a few minutes , you wanted to get rid of it ? But first of all , there was another knife there , that might have been there a buck knife too ? Do you have knowledge that there was another knife that might have been a buck knife ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , I don 't . PAUL CARUSO : Susan said they all had knives . RICHARD CABALLERO : Yes . This is crucial because the police have a knife and that 's what we 're trying to get to because there 's a very good chance that you left a different knife there . PAUL CARUSO : They showed my client Harrington several knives , when they were questioning him and he couldn 't identify any of them . Now , Susan , you started to tell us about going back in the house and grabbed the towel you used to tie up and you took it over to Sharon Tate . Was she bleeding very much ? PAUL CARUSO : Where 's Linda ? SUSAN ATKINS : Linda had disappeared on us and we didn 't know where she was and we called for her . But we didn 't want to go around , didn 't want to even go anywhere near that area . We were instructed to go to the next door neighbor 's house and to do the same thing . SUSAN ATKINS : Now , we went , you know the button that you use to open the gate ? Tex pushed that button , but I don 't think he used his fingers , I think he used his arm or something . And we picked up our clothes which we had stashed by the gate , we all knelt and picked up our second change of clothes , walking down the road not too conspicuous , and Linda was in the car . She had started to start the car and Tex told her to get over , excuse the expression , what the fuck did she think she was doing ? We got in the car and there was nothing but just [ long drawn out sigh ] SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , we all did . And proceeded to change our clothes in the car as we were driving . Now we went for a ride to look for a place to dump the bloody clothes . Now this , I saw that last night and you 'll see the change . As we were driving we flipped off the route down a couple of side streets to look for a dark house and we found one . We got out of the car , walked up the street , found a house with no lights on , hoping there would be nobody home , and we found a big house . All I remember is that it was a big house with a lot of shrubbery around it , the front . We looked for the hose , turned the hose on , went out in the street and proceeded to wash ourselves off . All this happened spontaneously , we didn 't plan anything that happened , it was all spontaneous . All of a sudden we heard an old man and an old woman coming out - what are you people doing and blab , blah , blab . The old woman said my houseman belong to the Sheriff 's - SUSAN ATKINS : - Something like Deputy Reserve , he belonged to the Sheriff 's Department of Los Angeles County and he was going to report this . What are you doing ? And Tex just looked at them , smiled , and said , " We 're just getting a drink of water . Sorry we disturbed you . " And the old man said , " is that your car down there ? " And Tex said , " No , we 're walking . " And the man said " I know that 's your car down there . " Tex said , " Okay , girls , get in the car " and we double fast walked to the car . Now , all the weapons were not in the car . Before we went to that house we went for a drive up Mulholland Drive , before we went to the house to wash off , we went for a drive and we drove along the side of a deep embankment , I don 't remember where it was , it was dark , and I didn 't pay any attention , and Linda had all the weapons , all but the one knife , up in the front seat , and Tex said , " Does anybody have a white rag " ? in order that if somebody saw us throwing something , we could throw the white rag while we were throwing things out of the window . And we proceeded to throw all of the clothes . We stopped one time . Linda got out of the car , threw all the clothes over as far as she could , over the side of the embankment . SUSAN ATKINS : I don 't know . I have no idea . We drove around quite a bit . I wasn 't paying any attention . I was just stunned . RICHARD CABALLERO : Susan , before we leave that point , when you say you got rid of all the weapons , did that include the gun ? SUSAN ATKINS : And then after we disposed of all the weapons , then we continued to drive until we got down to a residential area , I know it was close to Sunset Boulevard . Then we got in the car and the man and woman were walking behind us and we were walking fast . Tex got in the car and started it , and the woman kept saying , take their driver 's license , number , but he didn 't have anything to write it down with . He got in the car and started it and the man came up and reached in to take the keys , evidently he knew there was something suspicious going on , and Tex flooded the car , put it in low and took off . Practically broke the man 's hand from what I could see . I just flashed , wow , that was a strange house to pick , out of all the houses - and then we drove down the road and made a couple of turns and stopped at a gas station . The purpose for stopping at the gas station was we were almost out of gas . We bought some gas and the three of us girls took turns going into the bathroom checking for blood spots and making sure we were clean . Tex did the same . But all the way out I noticed there was blood on the car and I hoped that nobody had seen it . When we got back to the Ranch we got out of the car and went directly to the cafe which was our - SUSAN ATKINS : - yes , the whole ranch was my hang out , our home , and I went in the kitchen and got a rag and proceeded to wipe down the whole car for blood . I didn 't know where it was but I knew if there was any it would be on the steering wheel and on the handles well , I didn 't touch anything else . Charlie came out and said what are you doing home so early ? Tex and Charlie walked off and talked . We went down to the end of the boardwalk and went into what we call the bunkhouse and there was Brenda ( who 's known as Nancy Pitman ) , and Katie and Linda and Tex and Charlie and we all sat back - I almost passed out - SUSAN ATKINS : You know the auto store that has all the far - out cars ? PAUL CARUSO : Oh ! On Sunset Boulevard near Stefanino 's . Do you know where Stefanino 's is ? SUSAN ATKINS : And when we got back to the Ranch , I almost passed out . I was sitting there trying to pay attention to what Charlie was saying , and I just couldn 't handle it . I laid back on the floor and I felt as though I was being killed . RICHARD CABALLERO : How did you come to the house , how did you enter ? Let 's go over that very carefully . SUSAN ATKINS : Tex went through the window , came around the front door and unlocked it and opened it and let us in the front door . SUSAN ATKINS : The gates ? We didn 't go over the gates because we didn 't know , it they were electrified , whether there was an alarm system that we didn 't want to set off , so we went up alongside the embankment and climbed over the fence . In fact , I got caught on the barbed wire , it wasn 't barbed wire , but I got caught - SUSAN ATKINS : Nothing . He just acted as though it never happened . Charlie is the type that he lives each second for each second and pays no mind to what happened two seconds , that 's how much now he is . SUSAN ATKINS : Tex told me that he and Charlie had been there before - that 's why they chose the house . RICHARD CABALLERO : Did he say he had been up there with Charlie or just Charlie alone ? SUSAN ATKINS : He stated , I believe , I 'm not sure , so don 't quote me , that he and Charlie had both been up there together . PAUL CARUSO : Who originally told you to get the black clothes for the " creepy crawlies " as you called it . SUSAN ATKINS : Well , Charlie had pretty much control over everybody but as I said before Charlie usually , in fact , all the time , he said " you people are not my people . You belong to yourselves and you do what you want to do . " RICHARD CABALLERO : You say you may have said Charles - why is that ? SUSAN ATKINS : because I know Tex 's name is also Charles . I haven 't called Tex Charles but maybe two or three times to his face and that was only when Charlie was not there . SUSAN ATKINS : Well , I got back to the Ranch and as I said earlier , Charlie and Tex and Brenda and Katie and me were in the bunkhouse talking . And Linda was there . The reason I don 't remember Linda a lot is because she was not prominent in my mind . She wasn 't with us for more than a month . Then I went in and slept for a while and when I woke up , it just hit me , I didn 't want to . Also I wanted to go and look at the news reports because I knew it would be in the news . I went into what I call the trailer , there 's an area that 's located next to Mrs . Spahn 's house and there was this little TV in there . I turned on the news and that was the first thing that hit . I went wild and quick like ran out and got Katie and told her to come watch television with me , it was on the news . I called Linda in and I called Tex in and I called Clem in , because Clem knew about it . Charlie wasn 't awake . SUSAN ATKINS : We watched the newscast and it kind of , it really helped me to know that the people were as important as they were - it blew my mind and there were a few comments made , well , the soul really picked a good one this time . Just happened to have been Sharon Tate , a movie actress , and it happened to have made nationwide and worldwide news which we had no knowledge that that 's what it would do . There was a comment made that what had happened had served it 's purpose , that was to instill fear in man himself . SUSAN ATKINS : The establishment . That 's what it was done for . To instill fear - to cause a paranoia . To also show black man how to go about taking over white man . I just put it out of my mind as best I could . I couldn 't . For two days I just had nothing but pictures of what was happening and flashes on the Hinman case . It was just so vivid I just accepted it and sat and watched the pictures in my mind . I continued to appear normal on the Ranch and did my work on the Ranch and that night we all got together and smoked some grass and sang some songs . I think I made love with Clem , I 'm not sure who I made love with or if I even made love that night . And , next day , I would look at Katie and Katie would look at me and we both would know that that was the utmost thing in our minds , that we couldn 't put it out of our couldn 't minds , it was right there . And I 'd look at Charlie and he 'd wink at me and give me reassurance that everything was okay , was going to be alright . He didn 't have to say it - I just felt it . Tex seemed his normal self , just as happy and go - lucky as could be . But everybody on the ranch was pretty quiet . Everybody on the Ranch knew by then there had been a killing but they didn 't know who had done it . They had their suspects because most of them knew that we had gone out the night before . Went through the next day pretty normal , took care of things that had to be taken care of at the Ranch . I forget , I believe the next night , Charlie told me to get two changes of clothes , and a knife , we were going to do it again . I gave a sigh and he said do you have any remorse ? I said no , knowing that all the time inside they did . And he knew it ? Because he knows me inside - out - in fact , he knows what I 'm doing right now . It 's killing him as much as it is killing me . Linda and Katie , Clem and Tex and Leslie , all got in the car . We all had our things together , knives , and I think there were two guns or one gun , and we just drove around . We went over to Pacific Palisades , Pasadena , we drove around and stopped at two ' houses , Charlie got out of the car , we drove around the block - SUSAN ATKINS : Charlie . And he was talking the whole time . I forget what he was telling us , he was just talking , to keep us so we wouldn 't be thinking about what we were doing . Stopped at one house , Charlie got out , we went around the block and Charlie came back . We picked up Charlie and he said , " Man , there were pictures of children in that house . I just couldn 't do that . " He said there may come a time when we we might have to kill some children but it would in order to save the children that are coming with us . And so I accepted that and we drove asleep around . I fell asleep . I slept . I felt tired , thoroughly exhausted . I hadn 't slept , I just couldn 't sleep . And when I woke up we were parked and I looked around and I recognized the area as being the area where I had taken an acid trip with Charlie and the girls and a few people in the house . What I considered the Beverly Hills area . RICHARD CABALLERO : I want to stop you there . We discussed this before . This house that made you recognize the area , did you discuss it with Charlie then ? SUSAN ATKINS : No . Not at that particular time . SUSAN ATKINS : Charlie got out of the car , went in the house and we all just sat there very quiet , didn 't make a sound , lit a cigarette , in fact we all lit a cigarette and sat there and smoked and didn 't say anything . Charlie came back to the car and called Tex out and Tex and Charlie went into the house . Now I dozed off and after I dozed off , I had a dream - it was so visual it was actually what was happening in the house - I could see Charlie tieing the man up and talking to him , tieing the woman up . And then he came back to the car and I woke up . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , with a gun . He crept into the house , that 's what he told me when he came back to the car . He instructed Katie and Leslie - I hoped he wouldn 't ask me to do it and he didn 't because he picked up on those vibrations - told Katie and to go into the house with Tex and Katie and Tex and Leslie went into the house which left Linda and Clem and me and Charlie and he instructed them to hitch - hike home when they were through . I said , " Charlie , isn 't that the house we took the acid trip in with Harold in ? " and he said , " No , it 's the house next door . " I said " Oh " and that 's all that was said about it . On the way out he picked up the woman 's wallet , which had her identification and credit cards in it and we took the opposite direction from which we came and dropped the I . D . off at a gas station . Linda went into the gas station and left the waIlet in the gas station , the women 's restroom , hoping that a black woman would find it and pick it up and use the credit cards , which would direct the police to black people , instilling more fear into white people . Then we drove around , just kept driving around , ended up at the ranch , but the idea was Charlie had wanted Clem and Linda and me to go to another house and we would do two simultaneously , in one night , to instill fear into white men . PAUL CARUSO : Charlie colored ? SUSAN ATKINS : On the drive back , I believe he mentioned the house next door was the house where we took the acid trip . That 's all I can recall . I don 't remember what I told you yesterday . RICHARD CABALLERO : That 's what you told me yesterday . You said that you knew the area and he said that 's the house where we had taken an acid trip , including yourself , that you hadn 't recalled exactly , but indicated you had been there . Is that correct ? RICHARD CABALLERO : Let me refresh your mind . You gave me an answer yesterday when I asked you why would you pick that house . And I asked you did you know any of the people around there ? SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said they got into the house and they took the woman into the bedroom - Leslie and Katie took her into the bedroom - or something and tied her up and put her on the bed and put a bag or a cloth over her head and proceeded to talk to her how everything was going to be okay , she wasn 't going to be hurt , it was all going to be all right . Katie told me she knew she was talking to herself , not to the woman , just to reassure herself , that everything was okay , all perfect , was going to be good , while Tex was in ing room with the man . She said the woman heard her man , her husband being killed , and she panicked , started fighting , knocked over her lamp and fought and screamed , " What are you my husband , what are you doing to my husband , " and all time Katie was stabbing her and Leslie was trying to hold her and Katie just kept stabbing her . I forget how many times she said she stabbed her . I don 't even think she knows . Up until the time she was dead , the woman kept saying , " What are you doing to my husband ? " and Katie told me that 's what the woman was going to live with , that 's the thought she 's going to carry through infinity . And I said , " Yes , you 're right there . " She said after they were through they went in and wiped off all the fingerprints , at least that 's what she said they did . Wrote helter - skelter on the refrigerator , " Death To All Pigs " or something to that effect on the door , in the corner of the living room in the people 's blood . Then went over and took showers in the people 's house , changed their clothes , went into the refrigerator and had something to eat , she saw a fork - I can 't remember whether she said it was a kitchen fork or one of those long forks - SUSAN ATKINS : Carving fork . She said she just saw it and she flashed who , that will scare somebody and she picked the fork up and went over and left the fork in the man 's stomach . She said she reached over at it , took it , hit it and just sat and watched ; she watched it wobble and said she was fascinated by it . She said Tex had carved " Pig " in the man 's chest . RICHARD CABALLERO : Did you , in the conversation as you recollect it , do you know if it was - do you have a picture of a spreading of blood or of a carving into the body ? What ? Something just written on him , scratched into him or carved into him - that 's what I want to know . SUSAN ATKINS : She said " carved " . And she said it was almost dawn but they got out of the house and creepy - crawled - SUSAN ATKINS : He went in and told the man , here 's what he related to me , he said , " I 'm not here to hurt you . Just be calm , it 'll be okay . Just sit down and be still . " He tied them up with pieces of leather he wore around his neck and he came and got Tex and Leslie . RICHARD CABALLERO : With leather Charlie wore around his neck ? Is that what he tied them up with ? When he told you , when he related that to you , that this is what he did , how he told the man to be quiet and I 'm not going to hurt you , and tied them with leather , who was present ? SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , and he told Tex , he said , " Now , the last time you blew it . You panicked the people . He said " don 't panic the people , let them think it 's going to be okay so they 'll at least go in peace . " SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said Clem - Leslie did it . And I think Tex wrote because it was up high . I don 't know for sure whether Tex die it or not . PAUL CARUSO : Down to the waist ? SUSAN ATKINS : Almost . About the middle of her back and it just covers her whole head . She 's got blue eyes , pretty blue eyes , very attractive , large ears and she says they 're big so I can keep my hair behind my ears , and she has hair , prominent , growing down around her neck , through the chest area , very hairy arms and legs , very graceful . SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said she had some children and that the children would probably be over on Sunday . Katie didn 't say that she heard this from the woman , but just from the type of people that the daughters or sons would probably be over for Sunday dinner and find their bodies and blow their minds . PAUL CARUSO : Did you ever read in the paper about the LaBianca murder ? SUSAN ATKINS : I was tired of listening to the news . All I heard on the news was Tate , Tate , Tate . I just shut it off . RICHARD CABALLERO : Now you must be getting hungry . We 'll make arrangements about getting something to eat and then we 'll talk about the Hinman matter , which is the one you are currently charged with in Santa Monica . Now I told you when you came in today that I heard they were going to file murder complaints against you and all of the others , that everybody is in custody . Do you know that ? RICHARD CABALLERO : No . I 'm talking about those involved , in these matters that we 've been discussing . Everyone is in custody , including yourself . Hopefully , we will be able to prepare a defense , as you have already honestly indicated to me that you were mesmerized by this Svengali - type individual , Charlie , and we are going to have to try to put our best foot forward , to try and convince everybody , maybe even the Grand Jury , because in the final analysis , if we can convince them it will be to your benefit . That 's all we 're concerned with , is your benefit . Okay , now we 've got to get you something to eat , including some ice cream . SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said Clem - Leslie did it . And I think Tex wrote because it was up high . I don 't know for sure whether Tex die it or not . Reply Lee says : July 7 , 2015 at 6 : 04 pm This transcript convinces me even further that NONE OF THEM should ever step foot into the free world again , including Leslie Van Houten . What they put their victims through is beyond nightmarish . I find it unreal that Charles Manson has hundreds of idiots spewing complete bullshit that he is innocent , etc . He isn 't innocent of a damn thing . Then you have Tex Watson blabbing on a daily basis that he has been forgiven by God and that people that don 't forgive have bitterness in their hearts , etc . He has even gone as far as to say that " people " meaning Mrs . Tate get sick with diseases & die if they don 't have forgiveness in their hearts . Then , back to the girls , Hairy Krenwinkel has ultra feminists making documentaries about her , suggesting that she has served enough time , etc . The list of repulsion goes on & on . These people have made a success of their lives behind bars , but do not deserve to ever step foot outside of a prison , unless it 's in a pine box or ash urn . Make no mistake about it . There is a damn good chance that these people murdered more than they got caught for . I am of the school of thought that they were responsible for Karl Stubbs murder in Olancha . You see , they had ties to Olancha and back then , you didn 't have a lot of giggling , young girls being involved in brutal murders . It was rare and that is exactly what Karl Stubbs said happened before he died . There were giggling girls and a guy there . A witness also saw some young people . Hippies weren 't in the habit back then of murder , but the Manson Family was . This transcript is sickening . Susan Atkins laughed while talking to these lawyers about Sharon Tate going through " changes " when she witnessed Jay being shot . How cruel is that ? Sounds like that was a specific inducement - the ice cream - as the attorney was quick to add that there would be ice cream along with a meal . That and getting out of jail for a few hours . It is so surreal that given the high profile nature of these murders and her role in it that her attorneys were able to work out a situation to get her out of jail for even a few hours . Perhaps there was security . What if the family had learned - and give her big mouth that isn 't hard to imagine - that she was going to be at her attorney 's office . Can you imagine the publicity if she had been freed by them ? Or murdered by them ? Firstly , it 's clear that Helter skelter was uppermost in the minds of Susan , Pat { because she wrote it } , Leslie and Tex . They all come to it in slightly different ways but it 's there in their words or actions . Which means it was in Charles Manson 's mind too . Secondly , it 's really interesting that Susan speaks of the hope that a Black person would find Rosemary LaBianca 's wallet and use the credit cards . And her talk of putting fear into the white man of the black man . Not a bean about Bobby Beausoleil being freed from jail . Nothing about a copycat crime . By this stage , having already given up the names , were it truly a copycat there 'd be nothing to lose in saying so . Bobby was already going down . Also of note , she says nothing about Linda ever being in the Tate house . In fact , because Linda hadn 't turned state 's evidence at this point { she wasn 't even in custody } , Susan is almost dismissive of her presence saying " The reason I don 't remember Linda a lot is because she was not prominent in my mind . She wasn 't with us for more than a month " which is rather different to the stand that she was taking not long before she died . Also emerging here is the hint of multiple motives because she speaks of or alludes to getting money , sending a message to Terry Melcher { although how he was supposed to decipher the message is anyone 's guess } , scaring the establishment and helping the Black man " to take over . " Thirdly , it 's interesting that this early on , she 's adamant that she never killed anyone or wanted to . It 's bizarrely consistent with the last thing she ever ever said in " The myth of helter skelter " { itself a confusing irony , now } and in one of her last parole hearings about not having been directly responsible for anyone 's death . If you check it out , She says her reasons for bragging about killing Sharon Tate were self protection in jail and then later , in the penalty phase of the trial , to ensure Charlie didn 't get the death penalty . Reply Gena says : July 13 , 2015 at 7 : 39 am When I read the book by Ginny Good ( Sandra 's sister ) boyfriend , I emailed him with questions and comments . He lived up in SF in 67 and said he remembered seeing Charles at some parties , he said he sat in a corner usually alone playing his guitar . He said he wasn 't exactly charismatic at that time . Reply maudes harold says : July 18 , 2015 at 7 : 32 pm Thanks for sharing this Cielo . Charlie 's techniques can be seen in Susan 's comments . These early dated interviews are fascinating and invaluable . Rather clear from this interview that CM called the shots . Susan was an arrogant snot and manipulator . In the beginning of the interview the lawyer complimented her on her attractiveness and by the end of the Q & A they were buying her ice cream . Arrogance and simple laziness ran through all these girls with the exception of perhaps Snake who was a mere child , and it seems a sweet one at that , according to Tex . The last girl picked up by Charlie , Schram , was a know - it - all , better than thou , judgmental skank . Brunner was dumb as a Copeville fence post . In this interview , Susan showed no concern for what she had done and described the events as if they were everyday inconsequential occurrences . Scary to think that had she not blabbed they might have gotten away with the TLB murders . Bug essentially had two fingerprints of individuals who could claim they were at Tate 's house on other occasions . Tex could back that up . Makes you think about how many other murders the gang did where Susan wasn 't around to see and blab about . In other discussions , Susan talked some about their bus trip back east but gave it short shrift and didn 't elaborate too much . She never gave details about the route and towns they visited . I 've wondered how many runaways and hitchhikers they picked up , robbed , raped , and killed along the way . Since they needed money , how many robberies did they commit on that trip ? How many creepy crawls ? In this interview Susan didn 't say anything to clear up the conflict between the Tate crime scene evidence and the perpetrator 's accounts of what happened . Sharon 's and Jay 's blood outside has been discussed endlessly over the years and it 's still a mystery how it got there . I like to think Sharon was outside going for Jays loaded gun in his car . Would that fate had allowed her to reach it ! ! ! None of these criminals have admitted stabbing Sharon in the back some eight or nine times . Tex said he stabbed Sharon in her chest , killing her . Who did the back work ? Susan in the above interview didn 't mention their raid on Nadir 's apartment . I think Linda made this up to show herself different from the rest and the Bug bought it . I don 't know if Clem ever mentioned this either , tho he might have . Evidence , including her own words suggests Linda was in the Tate house more than once during the murders . Because she was the state 's witness , she could blackmail the other participants as to what really went on and shut them up about her part . Linda of course , at trial , had to minimize her involvement . If Linda told what the murderers did to Sharon and how they hung her up and tortured the poor terrified screaming woman , this would mean that Susan et al would never get out of CIW . This allowed Linda to shut them up about what she did . Remember , it was years before Linda admitted going through deceased Steven 's wallet looking for money . What a ghoul . I think it likely that Linda is the one who put the blood , Type O , on the gate button , not Tex . In this interview , Susan said that Tex used his elbow to push the button , which could leave blood of course . In her first book Susan said they went back over the fence and not through the open gate . If that is factual , then we have left only Linda with blood on her hands . To me Helter Skelter is not incompatible with the copycat motive . Reply Stephen Craig says : January 8 , 2016 at 8 : 11 pm In terms of how / who stabbed Tate in the back , I read / heard an interview with either Atkins that before the killers left the resident , Tex went around to each of the bodies , and essentially , stabbed each of them some more just to make sure that they were all dead . Atkins went on to explain that she knew this because she had seem him going from body to body , and that in the case of Tate , Atkins noticed that Tate seemed more " cut up than before " . If you recall , Atkins had said that Tate originally had been stabbed a few times in the chest area and then collapsed onto the floor . It is after this , and before they exited , that Tate , and the others , were treated to another round of attacks by Watson , Reply Fred Bloggs says : November 8 , 2016 at 7 : 36 pm Stephen Craig says : In terms of how / who stabbed Tate in the back , I read / heard an interview with Atkins that before the killers left the residence , Tex went around to each of the bodies , and essentially , stabbed each of them some more just to make sure that they were all dead . Atkins went on to explain that she knew this because she had seem him going from body to body , and that in the case of Tate , Atkins noticed that Tate seemed more " cut up than before " Atkins relates this to the Grand jury . Check out the Grand jury testimony under the Susan Atkins heading .
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You 'll need to read Part 22 for this post to make much sense . A week passed . Stacey spent his time cooking , cleaning , and finding odd jobs to keep his mind occupied . It wasn 't all bad , he learned how to tie knots , climb a mast , sow sails , sing shanties , and probably the thing that intrigued him most , carve letters into wood . He helped the carpenter as he removed the ships old name and put a new one on : " Liberation " it said . Stacey had no idea what it meant , but it sounded nice , or at least a lot better than Ginger , the ship 's old name that The Captain had given it after a visit to the Calamine Isles . During that week Stacey also saw men training for war . The most impressive was an elf named Syrin . He used a rapier and a dagger , but with the way he moved you 'd think he was made of water . Stacey never watched for long , as it brought memories that he wanted to keep hidden , but it was hard not to stay and watch Syrin , because with him , it looked to be more of a dance than a battle . It was beautiful in its way . Whether he was sparring with someone else , or going through his own form perfecting routine , each movement looked effortless and balanced . It looked almost peaceful , until Stacey looked in Syrin 's eyes . Stacey had anticipated a peaceful , or satisfied look , but instead saw pain . It made Stacey look more earnestly . He assumed that someone who would perfect this craft would be someone who delighted in bloodshed , but there was no delight in Syrin 's eyes . " Syrin is a Shalakian Elf . His people were enslaved thousands of years ago . Though small , they have a great capacity to work together , so men used them . " " With his dance . The slavers wouldn 't allow them to train , for obvious reasons , but they would allow them to dance . So , each night , Syrin and a small group of his people formed what they knew about sword play , and made each movement look like a dance . It didn 't take long until they found blades and fought their way out of slavery . A beautiful story really . " " I found him in Chindal . He was part of a circus . After he and his group escaped they couldn 't find work . So , they split up and tried their hand at whatever job they could find . Syrin was nimble , and eventually found his way into Chindal 's circus . By chance I heard his story and asked if he 'd join our cause . His dancing blades have been on my ships ever since . " You 'll need to read Part 21 for this post to make much sense . Stacey didn 't move from watching the pirate ship go , he rested his forearms against the boat and stared into the frothing sea , out to where the bodies had been dumped , where the sharks were already feeding . Stacey couldn 't make out the boy he 'd killed among the trail of red . He didn 't have to . He knew that his victim lay somewhere in the line . It made him sick to his stomach . So much so that he didn 't notice Mattias come and lean next to him . " It never is . " Both men stood in silence as they thought about what the battle had looked like . Mattias finally spoke again , " Stacey , you did what you had to . " " I never said it was right . Each time I killed was a failure , either on my part or on the part of someone else . Sometimes killing is a necessity . That boy was on our ship , and though he didn 't know you , he was trying to kill you . That 's not your fault Stacey . You couldn 't have prevented that failure . " Mattias stared into Stacey 's eyes , " You 're exactly the kind of person I want fighting on my side . We don 't need murderers on our side , we need good men with hearts like yours . We need men who know that killing is wrong . We need someone who values life . I need to get back to the rest of the crew . What happened will still be raw for you for a while , try doing something to get it off your mind now , so you can come back to it when it 's not so fresh . " Stacey had turned back toward the sea when Mattias finished talking and walked off . What he 'd said helped , but he was right , killing that boy was sandpaper rubbing against a sunburn on Stacey 's mind . Stacey was being asked to look at himself and change , but he had little direction . He wanted to be courageous , but not stupid , alive , but not bloodthirsty , and feeling , but not sad . After standing for a good while longer , he finally pulled himself down to the kitchen , where he pulled carrots our of his cleansing sack , some potatoes he had left over , and some beef he 'd bought while in Andrill , and made a stew for the men . Cooking didn 't cleanse his mind of the boy 's lifeless face , but it did help him not to look at it so often . You 'll need to read Part 20 for this post to make much sense . " Mattias ! " The other ship 's captain had a device called a voice projector . It was really just an enchanted horn that made your voice loud when you spoke into it . They were sold at most magic shops and almost all pirate captains had one , so that they could call out orders to their victims . " Mattias , I know that ship is yours ! Surrender peacefully or we will continue firing and your crew will die with you . " Stacey looked around to see the crew 's reaction , but got nothing from them , other than the group of dwarves and gnomes as they scurried below deck . Mattias then jumped up on the side of the boat and held on to some of the rigging as he yelled back , " Captain Tiamus ! You know as well as I do that my crew is too loyal to me to . . . " And his last word was cut off by an incredible blast of cannon fire that struck Tiamus 's ship , most importantly his rudder . Mattias 's smile was so big Tiamus must have seen it . Tiamus 's ship let loose its own volley that damaged the ship , but did not destroy her . Mattias 's crew were at their station before the volley hit , and the ship was quickly sailing away from the pirates . Tiamus 's men also ran to stations , but quickly found out that they could go nowhere but straight . " Damn you Mattias ! We will catch you ! You will pay for this ! " Stacey watched as Tiamus 's ship slowly turned into nothing but a speck on the horizon . The battle had not been what Stacey had imagined . The crew threw the lifeless boy overboard while Stacey watched Tiamus 's ship disappear , so that Stacey wouldn 't have to see him again . It was bloody and quick . There was no real hero , every man stood and fought for his own piece of ground , for his own life . The crew had been lucky , only a few were wounded , and the healer was able to quickly take care of their wounds before they got too severe . The pirates had not been so lucky . The boy had not been so lucky . Posted by So , on Friday I got a message from A Little Sprite that said that she had something for me at her place . Now , we all know what that means in blog land , so I hurried as fast as my little mouse would carry me over to see what she had for me . Sure enough , she 's given me the : Most Helpful : Yet Another Post About Bad Drivers : It 's Cliche , but That Doesn 't Make it Any Less True . It 's an oldy , but it does teach how to drive in roundabouts so other know what in the hell you 're doing . It may only be needed by people in Utah , but I still think it would helpful if the whole state would read it . Most Surprisingly Successful : I 'm . So . Cold . Part II : Paul May or May not Get Taken , He 'd Never Know . This one 's about our heater going out . It 's still my most successful post and I have no idea why . Most Underrated : Where did I put that . . . . It was my third post and has zero comments . I don 't even think I can find how many hits it has because the number is so low . Anyway , it 's about the phrase " I lost my virginity . " I think it 's a fairly clever way of looking at it . Most Controversial : Faith in Science . This one is about how it takes just as much faith to believe in science as it does to believe in God . At least it 's controversial around the college . You 'll need to read Part 19 for this post to make much sense . Swords met , guns fired , and in the middle of it all stood Golnar swinging his battle ax at all who came within distance . The attack was an overwhelming success , with some of the boarders diving into the water to escape the wrath of The Butcher and his crew . The Crew cheered and danced in the glow of their overwhelming victory . All except for Stacey . As lucky as he 'd been , he hadn 't really done much but scare . Most pirates hadn 't even dropped by the time he ran out onto the scene and were able to get away from his knives . Stacey was only able to catch up to one pirate , and he 'd done just what he was supposed to do . He chopped into the base of the pirate 's neck with his cleaver . The pirate had fallen quickly and had barely even made a noise , but after dropping to his knees , he fell backwards and revealed his face to Stacey . He couldn 't have been older than fifteen , very much an adult by that world 's standards , but still too young to die . The Demonic Butcher fell with him in the midst of clashing swords and exploding flints , he fell and held the boy 's head in his hands . Battles end quickly , so none of the pirates saw any of this transpire , no one did , except for Mattias . All the while , he 'd been swinging his sword and looking at Stacey . He wondered if Stacey would even be able to catch up to any pirates . Mattias hoped he wouldn 't . But when he did , Mattias knew where he would need to be once this was all over : with Stacey . You 'll need to read Part 18 for this post to make much sense . Mattias and the crew had congregated on the quarter deck to devise a plan . In all honesty the situation looked bleak , much worse than Stacey could have guessed . They were out manned , and had been caught by surprise . Mattias had been in tight spots before , but even he couldn 't see a way out of this one , and the crew could see it on his face . The other ship 's men were already boarding , which meant that he couldn 't place his men in any strategic way , they were on the quarter deck , and that 's where they would make their stand . He also couldn 't have them try to run , because there weren 't enough men to fight who had boarded AND get the ship going . So , when Mattias heard a barbaric yell that burst from below the deck , quickly followed by what looked to be a mad man on a rampage , he suddenly had hope . If Mattias wanted a rally cry , if he wanted surprise , if he wanted to strike fear in the hearts of the enemy , he couldn 't have devised a better plan than The Devil 's Butcher . Stacey was their saving grace and didn 't even know it . All he knew was that he didn 't want to let Sally down . Stacey , once again , showed how lucky a man can be . Without knowing it , he had thrown himself headlong into a group of pirates who prided themselves on killing an entire village , not because the village had something they wanted , but because they enjoyed killing people . If Stacey had known , he probably wouldn 't have ran in the way he did , but then , if he hadn 't ran in , they wouldn 't have had any chance at all . You 'll need to read Part 17 for this post to make much sense . Stacey 's ears rang and his sight blurred as his body was thrown out the door of his little kitchen and up against the opposing wall . What was that ? His sight was still hazy when he saw what he could only assume was Mattias come stumbling through the door , he had obviously fallen to a similar fate . Goodness , Stacey 's ears would not quit ringing as he tried to stand but simply could not . The ship was rocking heavily , and each sway sent Stacey back to his knees . His vision began to clear when he saw a few members of the crew come running down the hall . The first two passed him , but the third member , a dwarf with a bald head and a long red beard stopped to bring him to his feet . In a thick Dwarven accent he said , " Lad , you 're going to have to get up , we need you up top . " Then the dwarf steadied Stacey against the wall , and continued running down the hall . A cannon roared a little ways off and Stacey suddenly knew what was happening , they were under attack . His first instinct was to hide in his quarters until the fight was over , but he remembered Sally . In the back of his mind Sally had become a very special child , one that watched over him always and wanted him to do the right thing . The brave thing . So , with the face of a little boy in an ally in his mind 's eye , Stacey ran for the only weapons he really knew well , his cleaver and his carving knife . Then , in a burst of adrenaline , The Cook burst through the kitchen door and ran up the stairs to the deck with a carving knife in his left hand , a cleaver in his right , and a blood stained apron tied around his waist . If the other ships boarding party had known Stacey , they would have known that he was hardly a threat , but rather , just a tall fat man with a couple of knives , but they didn 't know Stacey . So , as they were swinging over on ropes , and looking down on the ship , they saw , what looked to be , the cook from hell , with the knife of pain in his left hand , the cleaver of destruction in his right , a warcry in his throat , and an apron , stained with the blood of his screaming victims tied around his belly , where the truly evil souls of the damned resided . All of this was amplified by the large red circles around his eyes ( where he 'd been crying ) . To say that he was completely harmless would not be fair . He had killed a great many animals and knew where to cut so that the animal died quickly and painlessly , but then , the animals didn 't fight back . He was running at men with swords and guns , but we can 't disregard the effect of surprise and terror on people , and as far as the boarding crew could tell , this was a graceless lumbering demon who was coming for their souls . " For the reasons you gave me when we first met . Do you remember ? You said he had no character , that he was rude to his crew and was generally a despicable man . The world was a better place without him . " Stacey had never thought of ' the world ' and its current situation . He had been preoccupied with his stomach , and its current situation . " Why ' make the world a better place ? ' Isn 't taking care of yourself hard enough . " Mattias 's smile grew . " Stacey , I 'm not from here . " He paused as if the words he wanted to use were hard to find , " The world I 'm from doesn 't allow the type of evil men that are allowed here . They either change , or we kill them . " Even though Stacey had been at sea for most of his life , and though he had met many people , he had never heard of any culture like the one Mattias described . Even trying to imagine a country like that was difficult . " Who decides how you work together ? " Stacey 's mind immediately went to Sally . If only Sally had been born in a society where children were taken care of by everyone , then he wouldn 't probably be dead . Stacey wouldn 't have had to worry about him getting an education , or being worked to death . The society itself would have taken him in . " Why isn 't our society like yours ? " His voice was choked with emotion . He loved Sally , but had no way of caring for him . How he longed for a safe place for his boy to grow up . " Not all societies can be , Stacey . Yours especially . You 've been following orders and fending for yourselves for too long . Trying to make you change now would inevitably lead to war . " " Because each person here cares too much about what they own . Where I 'm from , we all have what we need and we share the excess with each other . If we tried to force that on you , people would eventually fight each other so that they could have more than everyone else . " You 'll need to read Part 15 for this post to make much sense . How many kinds of pirate were there ? They sailed around , ambushing unsuspecting ships , and taking whatever they wanted . If it came down to the flag they raised or the colors they wore , Stacey was hardly interested . " What kind Mattias ? " Stacey 's words dripped with sarcasm , " The kind who shoot first , or the kind who ask questions first ? " Stacey had decided that he wouldn 't be a coward anymore . It didn 't matter if he died on this ship , " Mattias . I do not care . Pirates are pirates . " The ever present smile on Mattias 's face had left . " Is that really what you think ? Do you think we 're just ambushers of merchant ships ? " " Then what do you do ! Why 'd you shoot my captain and why 'd you steal his boat ? Aside from you being nice to the crew I 'd say all clues point to pirate . " In a flash of light Mattias produced his rapier and put it to Stacey 's throat . " I should kill you for that . If we really were pirates , we should have killed the cook a long time ago . I shouldn 't even know his name . " Stacey was suddenly wishing he hadn 't been so rude . He didn 't want to be a coward anymore , but then , he didn 't want to be dead either . The blade came a little closer , and Stacey tried to hold his ground . Mattias 's eyes grew hard and stared into Stacey 's as Stacey tried desperately to match . " Bravery isn 't stupidity , Stacey . It 's standing for what 's right when you need to , even when you have to die for it . It 's not trying to sass a man who has held your life in his hands for days , but hasn 't taken it from you . " You 'll need to read Part 14 for this post to make much sense . Stacey continued to look at his hallucination . Had he done the right thing for the boy ? Aside from his walk back to the ship , Stacey hadn 't found the time or energy to think about his choice . And the more he thought about it the worse he felt . Stacey had left an infant with a little girl . What was he thinking ? For all he knew he wasn 't hallucinating , but looking at an apparition of who the boy would have been had he lived past the first week with Scratch . How could he think that a starving orphan would know how to care for a baby . What a fool he 'd been . What a coward he 'd been . If he had just ran when The Captain called out to him he wouldn 't be stuck on this leaky excuse for a boat . Why was he so afraid then ? The Captain was a good shot , but he was far enough away that he would have been a challenging target , not to mention The Captain hadn 't pulled the gun from his trousers and was drunk . He may not have had a great chance , but he didn 't have a bad one either . His cowardice probably killed the boy . The vision faded and Stacey saw a crew who hadn 't noticed any change in their new found cook . Stacey picked up the empty serving pots and trudged back to his kitchen . Mattias 's compliment had faded and melted away , and all that was left was a feeling that he wasn 't the man he wanted to be , and that crime had probably lost him the only family he had alive . Stacey swung the door open and clamored inside before anyone could see his tears . The pots hit the floor and his back hit the wall with nothing on it . He slid down with his face in his hands until he came to sit with his legs stretched out . And there , amid the meat , and the grain , and the banging of the waves , Stacey wept . He allowed himself to think of what he had lost , and who he had been , and cried deeply into his callused hands . The should haves of his life burrowed deep into his soul , and agitated his mind . Should haves that he 'd buried rose and walked again inside of his mind 's eye and made him sob even harder . He 'd set his sights so high for little Sally , and yet , he had thought so little of himself . Why hadn 't he shot higher ? Why hadn 't he tried for more ? When his eyes finally cleared , he saw Mattias crouched in front of him . Exhausted , his head banged against the wall and he closed his swollen red eyes . " Mattias , how long have you been here ? " " Long enough . " Stacey let out an exasperated sigh . " Long enough to know that you 're in pain , and maybe it 's partly my fault . I think I need to let you know what kind of pirates we really are . " You 'll need to read Part 13 for this post to make much sense . Mattias 's words of praise were a cold drink after crossing a desert . The Captain , though he often ate Stacey 's cooking , never gave a word of praise . What Mattias said flooded into Stacey and made him smile . " Thank you sir . " It also gave Stacey a secret . He knew that Mattias didn 't know much about cooking . No spice , or assortment of spices , could possibly remove the taste of Andrill from potatoes . Potatoes are like sponges , they soak up every flavor around them . The trick to removing Andrill from them was not in the cooking , but in the sack they were carried in . Stacey 's mother , before she died , taught Stacey how to make a sack , and what to make it out of , that cleaned produce in such a way that it pulled out contaminants , like Andrill in general . The flavor of Andrill was out of those potatoes a few hours after Stacey was on the boat . It still made him happy though , because potatoes , like sponges , really have no flavor all by themselves . So , for Mattias to have said anything , Stacey did have his spices right . His mashed potatoes were good . Come out of Andrill and still deserve praise good . Mattias walked away and sat with some of the crew to eat his meal . Stacey looked across the ship and saw the crew sitting and laughing together , each holding a plate of mashed potatoes and pork . This was what he wanted with his inn . He wanted his food to bring people together , and to give them an atmosphere where they could put their differences aside and just enjoy an evening . Of course , thinking of his inn made him think of Sally . Sure , he wouldn 't know about Stacey 's food until he was much older , but that wasn 't what concerned Stacey . A father may want to share his talent with his son , but that isn 't what he cares the most about . Stacey didn 't want his legacy to be food , but goodness . He didn 't care about teaching Sally how to make a great meal , but teaching Sally how to be a great friend . Stacey had seen so much evil in the world , that his greatest dream was to help at least one more person fight against selfishness and pride . He wanted Sally to be a decent person , and as he looked across the boat , he really only saw a little boy standing in an ally way of Andrill , dirty and cold , trying to scrape by . And in that moment , Stacey realized that there was little chance of Sally being a decent person . He had seen the poor of Andrill and noted that constant need often leads to unsavory action . How far would one go to fill his belly ? Would he steal to do it ? Would he kill ? Would Sally kill ? You 'll need to read Part 12 for this one to make much sense . And to The Cook 's surprise , Mattias let it happen . He peeled and boiled potatoes , seasoned pork , mashed potatoes , cooked pork , seasoned potatoes and put the food in large bowls to take out to the crew , all without a single person coming in to bother him . Stacey stepped out of his room and noticed that no one stood guarding it . No one cared that he hadn 't left his room yet , and no one cared if he was going to try to escape . Of course , ' escaping ' off the side of the boat in the middle of the sea was hardly an intelligent thing to do . It was certain death to sea - monsters or sharks if you were lucky , exposure if you were not . So , it made sense to Stacey that no one stood by his door . It didn 't take long for the crew to come though . Like animals in the desert know it 's going to rain because it happens so rarely , so it is with sailors and good food . The aroma spread throughout the ship , starting at The Cook 's quarters and on . Like the Pied Piper he walked through the ship and on to where he usually fed the men , and most of the crew had formed a line behind him . Even Mattias interestedly stood at a distance , but not too far a distance that the food 's smell could not flood his nose when the breeze caught it just right . The intoxication hadn 't fully taken effect yet though . Like with all great art , the first look , the first listen , or the first smell only piques an interest . When a person fully gets immersed , that 's when its full beauty can be felt . And so , the sailors lined up for what could only be described later as their own slice of heaven . The first in line was the giant who had lifted Stacey off the deck upon their first meeting . To be fair , he wasn 't actually a giant , but had giant ancestry . And the humans that made up the rest of his blood were not small people either ( which is how one of them came to mate with a giant ) . He took his share and thanked The Cook . Stacey hadn 't meant for this to happen , but his cooking would give him a proper look at the crew , all 183 of them . To call it a mish - mash of lifeforms would be an understatement . Golnar was hardly the most interesting . Along with the humans Stacey expected to find , here were Dark Elves , Dwarves , Goblins , Orcs , Halflings , Half - Elves , Wood Elves , Hobgoblins , a couple of Trolls , and a few species that Stacey had never seen . Each of them grabbed a plate of mashed potatoes and pork , and each of them got lost in the flavor . Great food is hard to come by , and even harder to explain . It starts with the scent . It can 't be overpowering , but soothing . Great food smells like a home never lived in , but only dreamed of . It 's a warm blanket , and a crackling fire , both inviting and interesting . It 's a smell that beckons , and asks everyone in the vicinity to just take one bite . Then , when the food finally makes its way past the lips , a whole new sensation comes , a warm delightful feeling that spreads from point of entry to every extremity . It makes the eater forget where he is , forget every worry and every care that he had before that magnificent bite . Often , it 's said that great food is gobbled down , but that isn 't so . Great food , truly great food , requires no effort to savor . One need not remind himself to take his time and enjoy every single bite , because he will do it naturally . Every mouthful will amaze him , and it will take time to overcome that amazement , no matter how fast he might want to finish his plate . And so it was with Stacey 's meal . Mattias was the last to get a plate . He had already heard the moans of delight from the other sailors , but he kept his affect to a minimum . " It 's not poisoned is it ? " Stacey suddenly realized his stupidity . He had the ingredients and could have sent every sailor to hell , but instead , he fed them all heaven . " No , sir . " For Mattias to be properly described , it has to be said that he is a master of his own faculty . Nothing phases him , and he knows how control every joint and tendon , and yet , when he took that first bite , even he had to close his eyes and marvel at the flavor . He was a little short of breath . " You say you got these potatoes in Andrill ? " " Goodness . " He 'd taken another bite . " We still need you to be able to fight , but I care much less now about you closing your eyes . " This post won 't make sense unless you 've read Part 11 . Mattias flashed him one more knowing smile and walked away . Of course , Stacey knowing that Mattias knew he 'd closed his eyes put some more weight back on his shoulders , but at least he was alive and Mattias obviously had no desire to kill him that day . Though , in Mattias 's defense , he was like no pirate Stacey had ever met . Maybe he wasn 't as bloodthirsty , or crooked , or evil as Stacey had imagined . He 'd let Stacey live even though Stacey had obviously shown his luck more than his skill , and before that he 'd let Stacey have a chance to show his skill rather than throw him overboard . Mattias would have to be a mystery for another day though . Stacey 's head started to hurt , and the rocking of the ship wasn 't helping . He steadied himself on his cutting board and looked down at his knives . Each blade he knew exactly how to use , where to cut and how , so that each meal was prepared on time . He knew how sharp they were and how to sharpen them quickly when they got dull . What was he going to do now ? It was a life he 'd come to know and love , and occupation that fit him . He could cook a full meal for the crew in the middle of storm and not even break a sweat . Would he ever do that again ? It didn 't seem like Mattias thought the crew needed a cook , but another soldier . Stacey had never wanted adventure . His mother never read him stories about great war heroes ; his father never showed him maps of far off places . Even when he played with his friends he never dreamed of greatness , but dreamed that he had a good job and was a decent person . To be fair , in his mind , he was living his dream up until a couple of days ago . So , while some of us might think of becoming a swashbuckler and of the adventure that might wait for us if our luck didn 't run out , Stacey thought about when he could just be a cook again . He thought about when he could work with decent people , so that he could be a decent person . Finally , the ship stopped rocking long enough for Stacey to bring out his bedroll and ease himself down for the nap Mattias said he needed . Sleep did not come quickly , for while Stacey was exhausted , his mind would not stop going over his predicament . He went down every ' what - if ' road he could think of at least ten times and usually came up with the same ending : Him dead on some island , or at sea , without ever meeting Sally again . And when a person can see few alternatives other than death and never seeing loved ones again , it makes sleep hard to find . Daylight flooded into The Cook 's cabin , waking him . He 'd slept all day and all night , and Mattias and crew had allowed him to . When he got up , out of habit , he started to make lunch . Sure , Mattias may or may not have been the captain , and the crew may not have been the crew he 'd known before , but after several days of catastrophe , one day of making mashed potatoes ( before the potatoes went bad ) and salt pork sounded nice . You 'll need to read Part 10 for this post to make much sense . Why would he need to know if Stacey could shoot a gun . Stacey was a cook . He 'd been an assistant cook when he was twelve and completely did the job on his own when he was sixteen . Then Stacey remembered that he 'd seen The Captain participate in ' duels ' when agreements couldn 't be come to . Surely Mattias didn 't think Stacey capable of beating anyone in a duel with a weapon that would be completely foreign in his hands . Cooks were the last people asked to fight in battle and Stacey was hardly an exception . Mattias only smiled harder at Stacey 's honesty . " To be truthful , it 's probably not too far from the truth . But the actuality of our situation is that this ship here is a Frigate . And it can use around two hundred men . Your old captain hired one hundred and eighty three of us . It would hardly seem smart for the few men we have to engage in games of murder now would it ? " " You suppose . " Mattias handed him the rifle , " We just need to know if you can be useful at something other than making eggs . If you can 't , then we 'll figure out what to do with you . " If Stacey had his way he would have tried out for a spot on the sailing crew , not the fighting , but he was hardly in a situation to be choosy about his placing . Mattias obviously thought they either needed another fighter , or that it 'd be fun to see the old cook try to shoot a gun , or perhaps he saw something in the old seaman that the rest of us might not have seen . Of course , to ask a pirate to do the last is almost unthinkable , but we shouldn 't disregard it as a possibility . Stacey took the rifle . Luckily for him , Mattias had been reloading while they spoke , or he 'd have been holding a useless tool without the knowledge to make it useful . Mattias pointed to the bell . It was on the opposite side of the ship . " Stacey , it 's time to ring the bell mate . Ring it for us , from here . " The Captain had only allowed them to get into an occasional fight . It could be said that he , and subsequently his crew , was a scavenger . He sailed from place to place , finding other people 's treasure so long as there were not too many traps or swords in the way . In turn , Stacey had only seen battle a handful of times . So , it took him some work to remember what others looked like when they held the rifle . For his lack of experience he didn 't look too bad . The butt of the gun went to his shoulder , and he dropped to a knee to attempt to stop his shaking ( it did little good ) . But can we really blame him ? This shot meant life or death . Stacey put the gun to his eye and looked down the barrel at the bell . He would never hit it . Mattias might as well have asked him to shoot out a candle and leave the wick . It 's hard to say whether Stacey actually meant to leave the shot to luck , or if he was just too terrified to look , but he closed his eyes , took a deep breath and pulled his index finger back toward his hand . He thought of Sally . He thought of the inn he wanted them to own . And in the end , he wondered what that high pitched sound was , followed by cheering . Mattias 's rising above the rest . If Stacey had been a master marksman he couldn 't have made the shot he did . Not with the rocking of the sea and the lack of scope on the gun . For , amid it all , the ball flew into the bell , rattled around a little , and then fell to the deck . Stacey couldn 't have impressed the crew more if he 'd meant to . And he didn 't even see it happen . After hearing the bell , Stacey opened his eyes , stood up , and was met by one hundred and eighty three warm smiles and congratulations . He would live , that was sure . Perhaps not past their first battle , but at least he 'd live for a while longer . Mattias yelled above the throng , " Let him to his quarters ! He deserves a nap , he does . " and then followed the old cook to his four by four home . Mattias stood at the door smiling while Stacey tried to catch his breath . " Mighty good show Stacey . It was a good shot to be sure . But next time , try opening your eyes . " You 'll need to read Part 9 for this to make sense . Stacy 's first reaction was to hide , though hiding on a boat was hardly useful , as someone will eventually find you . He didn 't have time to hide though , as he was lifted off the ground by some enormous force while his ears rang with , " He 's right here , Mattias ! " Now , when we 're children we 're picked up often , so being lifted raises no real concern , but once we get a little bigger , we quickly start to like our feet planted firmly on the ground . Stacey had been too big to lift since he was about five , so suddenly being airborne made him feel even more uncomfortable than he already was . Mattias approached two wildly kicking feet with a full bellied laugh that didn 't suit his slight frame . Stacey wasn 't thrown , or dropped , but placed back on the deck . He was even held just low enough for his feet to touch until they stopped kicking and took purchase of the wood . If Stacey had met Mattias in an ally way he would have thought nothing of him . He had shoulder length auburn hair that was lifted by each passing breeze , and a smile that felt like a warm blanket . By no means a big man , he stood just shorter than Stacey and Stacey probably outweighed him by double . But , they weren 't meeting in an ally way . They were meeting aboard a commandeered vessel where Mattias apparently called the shots ( and even aimed , pulled the trigger , and took them occasionally ) . Stacey felt particularly out of place . Why would Mattias need to know his name ? Did he gain some sick pleasure by knowing the details of his victims ? So , Stacy reverted back to what he said to every other loathsome creature he came in contact with , " I 'm The Cook . " Fear was melting into confusion as Stacey felt his arm being moved up and down by the pirate . " What . . . what are you doing ? Aren 't you going to kill me ? " Oh , no . Stacey surmised that there was a right answer to this question , but what that answer was was not easily guessed . If Mattias was of the belief that an enemy of an enemy is a friend , then it was fine that he had no good feelings toward The Captain . If he was under the impression that a man either loved or loathed authority , and that he was an authority that demanded love , then admitting to loathing of the old captain was suicide . Finally , he decided that he might as well be truthful . In all reality , he was dead either way . " I didn 't particularly care for him , sir . " Goodness , why couldn 't he just ask easy questions . Stacey thought about bringing up Sally , but then thought better than to give the name of his son to a murderous pirate . Instead , he laid out his loathing as underlying reasons without example . " He was a man of no character . He had no love for humanity or human decency , and had no love for anyone but himself . His crew was nothing more than a tool to him , and he disposed of that crew as soon as he thought he saw something better . " Mattias 's eyebrows came together as if he were pondering something very important . He then began to nod , and his smile reappeared . " Those seem like good reasons to hate a man . You may already know that it 's custom to kill the cook of a ship , but I feel like giving you a sporting chance . Can you shoot a gun ? " I 'm an introvert . People I say that to are often very surprised . I talk a lot in classes . I have friends . I sing karaoke at family g . . .
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I was born William Edward Kingson . My mother had been a maid in the Keep of king Henry . I was the bastard son he refused to acknowledge like several others . My mother ended up marrying the captain of his guards . He was the one that taught me how to use weapons and how to fight . I was fourteen when the king became ill . Captain Mambly arranged for me to work as a caravan guard leaving the kingdom . For four years I traveled the world and learned many things . When I returned to Eustria it was to learn of my mother 's death . She had died not long after the captain who had died shortly after the king . The whole kingdom was changed . It was hard or impossible for people to leave and the nobles ran over everyone . The only real job I could find was as a bar breaker . I knew better than to let my half brother know I was here , he would have me killed like he had the other three bastards . The captain had taught me many things and shown me things I never thought about . While the large city sprawled on both sides of the river , the nobles retreat and the king 's Keep was on the island in the middle of the river . There were two bridges to the retreat . They both had huge stone arches at each end of walkways . What people did not know was that inside each arch was a small room with stairs . The second floor spanned the width of the road and had a narrow walk that allowed men to walk the length on the bridge from arch to arch . I had sold my horse a week after arriving , I could not afford a room and had remembered the gate houses . Everyone was very carefully around the river because of the river snakes . They were poisonous and came out during the day to sun themselves on the warm stones . For almost a month I worked at the tavern and things got steadily worse . I was barely paying for enough food to keep me going . The conditions in the city only got worse for almost everyone . The only ones that had it easy were the nobles and their favorites , that also included the richer merchants . The night I was fired for breaking up a fight a young noble started was the start of something else . I stood watching the dark house for a long time before finally crossing the street and moving down the alley beside it . I stopped halfway down and stood listening . I turned and used the cracks between the stones to start climbing . On the third floor I carefully pulled myself onto the narrow window ledge . I pulled a very thin dagger from an arm sheath and slipped it between the windows . I lifted and the inside latch came out of the lock . I quietly opened the window and slipped inside closing the window behind me . I silently moved through the room and opened the door before slipping out . I made my way to the servants stairs and then went down . On the first floor I moved through the dark hallway to the study door . A moment with my dagger tip between the door and the frame was enough to unlock the door . I slipped into the room and closed the door before pulling the tiny metal dark lantern from my belt . I opened one shutter as I moved towards the desk . I only glance at the other door with its large ornate lock . I sat and used the lantern to go through the desk . In a side drawer I found a couple of stacks of gold coins . I took them and the small bundle of candles . I took the ornate key from the top drawer and moved to the side door . When I entered the room it was to see a few small chests . The first two chests held copper pennies or brass six pieces . The next chest held small bags , I opened one to find rare spices . I pulled them out to fill the small pack I was carrying . There were two chests left , the first held silver pieces and the second had gold . I hesitated and then lifted the chest of silver and poured it into the chest of gold coins . I carried the heavy chest out and locked the door . I put the key back in the desk and went to the door to listen . I closed my lantern and quietly opened the door and moved the chest into the hall before closing it . I made my way back to the window I came in and set the chest down . I unwrapped the cord from around my waist and tied it to the chest and leaned out to lower it . I wrapped a piece of twine around the latch and looped one end under and the other over the window . I slipped out onto the sill and closed the window before pulling the twine that went under the edge of the window . The latch closed and the twine slowly went through at the top of the window and then came out the bottom . I slowly made my way down and lifted the heavy chest . I carefully made my way through the alley . I waited and listened before crossing the main street and slipping into the dark alley on the other side . It was to dangerous to move through the dark here . I carefully opened a shutter on the lantern and moved slowly down the alley . I turned right between two buildings and squeezed through until I was on the lip of the river . I moved back to the right watching my steps and looking for snakes . I came to the darkly tarnish door and shifted to pull the old key from my sash . The heavy door opened silently and I slipped in before setting the chest down and closing the door behind me . I opened the shutter on the lantern wider and looked around before slowly moving the two locking bars into place in the door . I lifted the chest and crossed to the spiraling stairs and headed up to the next floor . I walked to the narrow table and gratefully set the chest down . I removed the lantern from my belt and set it on the table too . I pulled the pack off and removed the bundle of candles before lighting one from the lantern . I set it in an empty glass globe and stripped before crossing to set the pack on another narrow table beside a small iron stove . I removed the pouches of spices and tossed the empty pack aside . The room was twelve feet wide and twenty feet long . My sword and bow were on a shelf near the other end of the room and below them was the rolled cloth that held my chain shirt . I used a basin of water to wash my face and hands before putting out the candle and lantern . I slipped into bed and relaxed before falling asleep . I woke to the sounds of morning traffic crossing the bridge heading towards the retreat . I sat up and glanced at the chest before climbing out of bed . I poured the dirty water into the drain hole in the side wall . I dressed and went to the chest before filling my belt pouch with silver pieces . I slipped out and locked the door behind me before carefully moving along the river chasing a couple of smaller snakes into the water . I moved through the city until I reached the farmers market . I opened my pouch and pulled out a single piece of silver . I started across and stopped when I saw the small group of homeless huddled together at the edge of the market . I sighed and turned to head for them , I stopped in front of them and gestured to the sausage roll vendor , " Follow me and I will make sure everyone gets fed . " I turned as they hesitated and started walking toward the vendor . It took awhile and I had to pay before he started handing out sausage rolls . Everyone got two and I left with three less silvers but feeling a lot better . Everyone heard about the merchant being robbed before the city even started getting busy . I bought a few small spice pouches while listening to the rumors . I had an idea about food and after spending the day walking around I headed towards the river . I picked a spot that was not to far from the city commons . I found several large snakes on the cobbles of the street and it was not hard to catch them and remove the heads . I cut the heads off six inches behind the back of the head and gutted them and skinned them before walking to the common . There were several groups of homeless around and I headed towards one with a small fire going . It was a family with two young boys and a little girl . I smiled as I knelt and reached for the stick the older boy held . I cut a chunk off one of the snakes and held the end out to him , " keep turning it until it cooks . " It was not long before I had several groups cooking snake . I went back to the warm cobblestone street several times for more snakes . As the night closed in the people began moving further away from the river . I slipped away and went back to the bridge . I was already thinking ahead and laid back to relax and wait for it to get darker . I quietly opened the bridge catwalk door and slipped out . I carried a small bladder of lamp oil as I moved across the bridge . On the retreat end I opened the catwalk door into the gatehouse and stepping in . I oiled the tarnished hinges before quietly moving down the stairs with just a sliver of light from the small dark lantern . I oiled the hinges and waited before slowly unlocking the outer door . I used a couple of pieces of rag to cover the hinges as I opened the door . The faint squeal did not sound very loud but I waited and looked into the dark as I listened . From the other side of the arch I could hear the two guards talking and finally stepped out . I closed the door and locked it before using the shadows to move along the wall . After a hundred paces I turned and walked into the night . I used mostly rear alleys that led behind estates of nobles . I stopped behind the large estate of Duke Fiestel and waited . I ignored the distant servants gate and jumped up to grab the top of the wall . I pulled myself up and glanced over before moving to lie along the top of the wall . I watched for a long while and then dropped off and moved silently towards the manor . I moved to the left corner and used the larger stones for hand and foot holds . I climbed slowly , careful not to make a sound . On the second floor I moved to the right until my foot touched a window sill . I moved over more and then pushed the slightly open window . It pushed open more and I held still and listened to heavy breathing , I finally moved and slipped into the room . I glanced at the bed and the fat man sleeping there . I quietly moved to the door and listened before opening it and slipping out . I moved to the servant stairs and went down . On the main floor I looked out before walking down to the study . I knelt and used a slim dagger to pry the lock open . I slipped into the room and went straight to the standing wardrobe . I pulled the small heavy chest out I knew held small gold bars and carried it to the desk before setting it down . I walked around and knelt to pull the end drawer out . In the very back was the key I was looking for . I left the drawer open and stood . I crossed to the door and listened before opening it and silently moving to the door across the hall . The key opened the door and I cracked the dark lantern to see two chests instead of just the one I remembered . The first held smaller coins of copper and brass and the second held both silver and gold . I could barely lift it but moved it out and then across into the study . I went back and brought the second chest into the study before I went back and locked the door before going into the study and closing the door . I crossed to the window and opened it before going to the desk and putting the key back where I found it . I lowered the small chest the few feet to the ground and then the bigger ones . I used twine to close and latch the window before dropping to the ground . I hesitated and then lifted one chest to my shoulder and squatted to grab the smaller chest . Walking to the far wall was difficult since the two chests probably weighted close to two hundred stones . At the wall I squatted and lowered the smaller chest first and then the large one . I went back for the other chest and carried it to the wall . I used the cord from around my waist to tie one chest and then climbed the wall and lifted it to the top . I slowly lowered it down on the other side and then dropped down beside it . I untied the cord and went back over the wall , one at a time I brought the two over . When I finished , I carried the chest with coppers and brass to the corner where a large barrel of rain water stood . I slowly slipped the chest into the large barrel and went back to the other two . I lifted the large chest to my shoulder and then squatted to lift the smaller chest . I moved back the way I had come only much slower . When I reached the wall I could not hear anything from the bridge and moved slowly . I finally lowered the small chest and pulled out the key . I unlocked the door and hesitantly opened it but this time it was quiet . I slipped in and set the chest down before going back for the other one . I carried it in and turned to quietly close the door and pushed the locking bars into place . I left the larger chest and crept up the stairs and out the catwalk door . Glancing down I saw the two guards sitting on crates and leaning against the wall . After crossing to put the smaller chest in my room , I returned for the other heavier one . Once I had both chests in my room I stripped and washed before lying back in bed . Tomorrow would bring a lot of screaming and the city guards were going to run around looking at everyone and everything . I woke to the morning traffic and got up . I refilled my pouch with silver before looking around . I emptied the shelves on one side of the room and used them to climb to the ceiling . I pushed open a trapdoor and climbed up into the archer perch . I turned and pulled the heaviest chest up before sliding it into a corner . I did the same for the smaller chest and then the merchant 's chest . I closed the trapdoor as I climbed down and put everything back onto the shelves . I grabbed a few small spice pouches and slipped out to make my way towards the marketplace . Like the morning before I gathered the homeless lingering around the market place and fed them . The city was alive with guards and everyone was talking about another robbery , this time in the retreat . At noon I bought a huge cauldron and a sack of vegetables before heading towards the city commons . It almost seemed like they were waiting for me . A few of the older boys held the cleaned and skinned bodies of snakes . I got a young girl to start bringing water to fill the cauldron while setting it down and dumping the vegetables . Two women got a fire going for me while a couple of men made a tripod to hang it . One at a time I cut the snakes up and tossed them into the water . The women gathered and started cutting the vegetables while I brought out the pouches of spice and set them out . It was not long before the aroma of the cooking filled the commons . I handed a young man a few silvers , " Take a couple of boys with you and buy a sack of rolls and another sack of vegetables . " He hesitated and then nodded before slipping away with two younger versions of himself . The few guards that came through looked but ignored us . As the day wore on even more people appeared to be fed . An older woman and her husband stayed nearby . I spoke with them and found out they were turned out because they could not pay the king 's taxes . That was the theme as I talked to others . When the cauldron emptied we refilled it and several young men were always hunting snakes as they lay out sunning . As evening slowly approached the large crowd slowly began to slip away . I had one young man hide the cauldron before leaving . I slipped into the gatehouse silently and lay back on my bed to relax . I woke at the tolling of the midnight bell . I slipped out the catwalk and quietly crossed the bridge . The guards seemed more awake tonight as I slipped out the door and moved down the shadowy wall . I was back fifteen minutes later with the heavy water logged chest . After closing and locking the door I moved up the stairs and out the catwalk door . I carried the chest down to the first floor and set it on its side to drain . I slipped out the door and used the small dark lantern to move away from the river . I stayed in the shadows and used alleys to move across the city . The large manor I was heading for stood against the outer wall . I entered using the side entrance and crossed the yard and tried the side door , it was locked . I moved to the trestle covered with ivy and slowly climbed up . I climbed onto a second floor balcony and moved to the door . It opened smoothly and I crossed the room as the occupant continued to sleep . I moved through the house quietly until I came to the large door into the attached warehouse . I pulled a thin bladed knife and went to work on the ancient lock . A moment later it was unlocked and I opened it and slipped in . I stood still and listened a long time before turning and heading towards the back . The office had a large oak drop bar with locks on both ends securing the door . The merchant had a bad habit of using old ancient locks . I pulled the small steel cheater bar I had taken from a fighter right after I had returned to the city . I slipped it inside the locking bar and twisted . I dropped the lock and moved to the other one , a moment later I lifted the bar and carefully set it aside . I entered the large office and crossed to the other door . Inside the inner office I found the heavy money chest with its lock open . I set the lock on the desk before lifting the lid on the chest , I closed it and picked it up . I went back through the warehouse but left out the side door that had been locked . I moved back across the city using the alleys . Inside the gatehouse I climbed up and moved everything off the shelves and lifted the chest up to the archers perch . I pushed the chest into a corner and went to bed . I woke early and climbed out of bed stretching . Today was laundry day and I stuffed my dirty clothes into a sack . Downstairs I righted the chest of Copper and Brass coins before filling a large purse with them . I fed a small crowd at the sausage stand again and then headed to the cleaning lady that did my wash . After I dropped the dirty clothes off , I went back to the marketplace . I bought tubers and other green vegetables as well as a large sack of bread . When I arrived at the commons they already had the cauldron over a small fire . During the day I listened to gossip that said the king was sending his militia into the street to patrol at night . The two merchants were practically begging their patrons for funds to continue their business . I heard about Baron Gregory offering to finance both merchants for sixty percent of their businesses . It was a relaxed jovial commons with women and children moving around and men talking in small groups . I spoke with a few of the men about a carting business now that Merchant Harris was out of business . I gestured around at everyone , " We would have plenty of people willing to work . " They nodded and turned to other men while I headed out of the commons . I used the back alleys and was careful when I slipped around by the river and into the gatehouse . I used a large pouch and filled it with a few gold pieces and a lot of silver . When I met the other men in the commons it seemed as if the air was alive with hope . There were ten of us that walked through the streets to see the large warehouse . The moment I saw it I knew it was what we needed . It was outside the city gate against the wall , it had a huge dirt corral on the far side for horses and wagons and a tannery beside it I knew all about . We went back through the city to Magistrate 's Square . Since the warehouse had been abandoned I paid the city clerk one gold piece and two silver and it was ours . Next were a few stops where I let different men bargain for carts or wagons . I gave the only two gold pieces left in the pouch to an old man that had once been a farmer . He left to find a few horses while we moved carts and wagons by hand through the city and out to the warehouse . We placed the carts inside leaving room between them and the wagons in a separate part of the corral . We returned to the commons and everyone was talking . I made another stop on the way and set the full sack of hard bread down while one of the men that had been with me set a huge wheel of cheese beside it . There were a lot of chunks of snake being roasted over fires . We talked about sending someone out to different places to talk to people . I knew that if Baron Gregory managed to back both the merchants it would be harder for these people to get started . I mentioned letting anyone that needed a place to sleep go to the warehouse . I left early and slipped through the streets and alleys . There were a lot more guards and Militia out as the afternoon slipped by . I slipped into the gatehouse unseen and went upstairs to lay back and rest . I woke to the guards arguing below me about some of them sleeping while others watched . I moved to my clothes press and changed to darker clothing . I went through the catwalk door and silently crossed to the other side . The guards below were plain to see as they played dice together . I slipped out the door quietly and moved away into darkness . There were more patrols but it was easy to avoid them as I moved across to the area around by the other bridge . Baron Gregory 's manor was larger than it should have been for his rank . I climbed the ten foot wall and carefully moved the glass on top before lying down . I watched as a single guard walked around the manor itself . I dropped to the ground after he turned the far corner and quickly moved to the manor . I used a wooden trellis to climb up to the second floor . I vaulted over the rail onto a small balcony and knelt , waiting for the guard to come and go . Several minutes later I turned to the window doors and used a thin bladed dagger to pry the latch up . The door opened quietly and I silently entered . I could see the fat Baron snoring in his bed and moved across the room to the other door . I put my ear against the door and listened before opening it quietly . I heard voices from downstairs as I moved down the hall to the servants stairs . I used the edge of each stair as I moved down to avoid making any noise . On the ground floor I slipped out and into the shadows in the hallway . I waited and several minutes later a guard walked in from the great room to check the study room door . He returned to the great room and I swiftly moved to the door . The slim bladed dagger went between the door and the jam before I pushed it down and wiggled it . The door popped open and I pulled it open even more . I stepped into the darkness and closed it quietly behind me , making sure it locked . I pulled the dark lantern out and glanced around and moved to the strong room door . The baron had taken a few precautions and there were two new locks on the door . I set the lantern beside me on a bookshelf and pulled out the two thick wires I carried . A traveler had shown me how to do this a couple of years before . I pushed the stiff wires I carried into the first lock and moved it around until I heard a click . The second piece of wire went in and I turned both . The lock dropped open and I moved to the other lock . It took a little longer but it to finally opened . This was not a room so much as a thick walled closet . Inside were four chests , each one held a different type coin . I was able to put all the silver and gold together before moving the chest to the study window . I went back and poured as much of the copper coins into the chest with the bronze as I could . What was left was only a handful and those I put in my own pouch . I carried the chest over beside the other one and closed the dark lantern . I pulled back the curtain slightly and looked out the window . I watched and waited until the guard went past and opened the window . I moved the two chests out onto the narrow stone patio and then closed the door . I hid the second chest between two bushes and picked the other chest up . I moved out onto the lawn and stopped next to a bush by the wall . I set the chest down and waited for the guard . After he had come and gone I picked up the chest and moved to the wall . I knelt to tie a cord around the chest and then quickly climbed up the wall . I pulled the chest up and lowered it down the other side before the guard came back . I untied the cord and went back over the wall for the other chest . That was the way I moved the chests , one at a time . When I closed the gatehouse door after carrying in the second chest , I set it down and lay down on the cool floor . When I was rested I moved the chest to the second floor and then across to my room . I carried the second chest in and used the cord to lift it to the archers perch . I filled two large pouches with copper and bronze coins before lifting that chest up as well . I slept lightly and woke to shouting from below . I moved out of bed and went down to listen as guards and soldiers argued about someone sneaking across the bridge during the night . I went back up for my two pouches of coppers and bronze and then finished dressing before slipping out of the gatehouse . I had been thinking and knew I would not be able to stay at the bridge much longer . I moved to the butcher shop and bought a hundred weight of sausage . Next was a visit to the baker for a huge sack of hard crusted bread rolls . I found all the homeless waiting in the market square and had help carrying everything to the commons . I sent three older boys to the edge of the city to buy wood and had a man bring a cart around to bring the wood to the commons . I set everything down as people began gathering and prepared a fire . When I turned around for the sausage several women were already there . It was not long before the rumors started about Baron Gregory . Almost all the people had gone to my warehouse to sleep the night before and had been outside the city gates . I moved around talking and after breakfast a few men that had left returned saying this merchant or that farmer needed wagons or something moved . She looked at me and then grinned as life seemed to come back to her face . I gestured around us , " This is our company . When someone gets a contract they bring it to you . " I looked at the men , " The old office in the warehouse needs cleaning . The whole warehouse needs cleaning for that matter . You know what it cost to do things in the city , if the merchants or noble will not pay it , than we do not move it . " They looked at each other and then grinned and nodded . I gestured around us , " No more hanging around the commons , everyone goes to the warehouse . I want some of you to find me two large stoves . We need large rocks to make a fire pit and wood to build benches . Everyone else can go through the city announcing our business . " They looked at each other and then moved away . It was not long before everyone was moving around excitedly and leaving . I caught a few older boys and fished a half dozen silver pieces out of my belt pouch , ( turning it upside down to do it ) , " Go buy a hog and some potatoes and greens and bring it to the warehouse . " They grinned and nodded before disappearing . I slipped away and went back to the gatehouse . I had to be very quiet as I climbed up and filled my pouch with silver . I packed everything I owned and slipped out . When I walked into the warehouse it was busy as women swept the floor and men brushed down the cobwebs from the walls . I set my things down inside the office and grabbed three older girls . They grinned and gave me quick bows before scrambling up the ladder . I found an old man that looked lost . I put my hand on his shoulder , " Do you know how to build walls ? " He turned and his arm reached out to grab a boy 's shoulder . It was a busy day but I still managed to listen to the gossip about the thefts that were plaguing the city . I do not know where they found the two large iron stoves . They were both dirty and had some rust so I knew no one had been using them . I set them up outside the office and got a few men to start on chimneys . The stones for the fire pit were from fields and I had several girls and boys wash them . I had four men working to build the pit and another four building benches around it . The fire pit was beside the warehouse and almost against the city wall , making it a perfect heat reflector . All the time this was going on , men came and went hauling carts or wagons . The fire pit was finished quickly and two women took it over as a new fire was built . They started to cook the waiting hog and other food appeared . The boy I had given money to grinned and dropped two silver pieces into my hand . It was as if everyone had come alive again and hope was in the air . Several men actually stopped farmers on the way home that afternoon . The dinner that night seemed like a feast . Even the horses came to the fence to be close . Several guards came around before heading back to the gate . After dinner I talked a few men into emptying the water trough and carrying it inside the warehouse for the women to bathe in . You would think I was their new saint when the women found out . When it was finally bed time I slipped into the office and grinned at the old scribe when she lifted her head to look at me . I spread out my bedroll and lay down with a sigh . I rested for several hours and finally slipped out of bed and dressed in dark clothing . The old scribe slept on soundly as I slipped out of the office . A few people were restless in the warehouse but no one saw me slip out . I headed away from the gate and silently headed for the distant river . At the riverbank I stripped and put all my clothes in a large leather bag I knew was water tight . I walked into the river and swam to the middle before heading towards the wall . I had to stay away from the bank where snake mostly stayed . I tied the bag to the metal bars that went from the wall down into the river . I dove and swam down to the bottom before grabbing the bottom of the bars and slipping under where the river had washed away . I swam up and untied my bag before swimming down river . A hundred paces away from the wall was a small stone pier on the royal side of the river . Just past it a dozen more paces was a small building half in the water , on the upriver side was a set of hedges . I crawled out of the water and moved into the hedges . I opened the bag and quickly dressed before I moved into the nobles retreat moving carefully through the silent streets . The estate I was heading for was richly decorated and patrolled constantly . The walls were patrolled inside and outside but there was one point that was always in the dark . It was a back corner and my shadow drifted from a dimly lit street after two guards walked past . I went up the wall quickly and lay along the top . Inside , a guard was just walking past and I waited before dropping off the wall . I moved quickly and quietly across to the large manor house . I went up using the large cracks in the building stones . Just under the roof I paused until another guard walked past below me . I reached up to grab the roof and released the wall . My body swung out as my other hand reached up . I pulled myself up onto the roof and carefully moved sideways . I moved up to a roof vent and pulled a small thick bladed knife . I slipped the blade into the bottom crack and pulled it sideways . A moment later I was lifting the vent before quietly crawling into the attic . I closed the vent and pulled the dark lantern out . I opened it a crack and moved down the attic until I reached the stairs leading down . At the door I listened for a couple of minutes and used my dagger again to spring the door lock . I knew the countess would have put at least one guard on her counting room but I knew something she did not . I used the servants stairs down to the second floor . I crept down the empty hallway to the second from the last door . It was unlocked and empty , these were guestrooms and the countess never had guests . I crossed to the wide fireplace and crawled forward passed the fire grate looking down . I was surprised to see a light and then realized the countess probably locked some pour servant into the counting room for the night . I turned and lowered my feet into the wide chimney , with my back to the wall I slowly moved down . When I reached the bottom , I knelt and looked out of the fireplace . I saw the guard lying with his head facing the other way next to the door . I silently crept forward pulling the tiny vial from inside my shirt . I took a deep breath and unstopped it before holding it down in front of the guards face . I waited and waited and finally pulled the vial back and replaced the stopper . I shook the guard but he just kept snoring . I turned to the two large chests against the side wall and moved to look inside . I shook my head at all the gold coins , the countess had always been a miser , I moved both chests to the fireplace . I unwrapped the strong cord from around my waist . I tied one end to the first chest and pulled the chest closer before standing on it . With my back to the wall I moved up the chimney to the next floor . Hauling the chest up was hard work . After I got it up and moved into the room I went down for the other chest . This time the chest seemed much heavier but I knew it was just my imagination . After I got the chest into the room and wrapped the cord back around my waist . I picked up the first chest and moved to the door . I pulled the two cloth shoe covers out to hide the black suet and tied them on before leaving the room . I walked to the end of the hall and carefully opened the narrow door . I went down the steep dark steps quietly until I reached the bottom . This was a narrow hall that led all the way to the back of the stables . I set the chest down by the crack of faint light coming under the stone door . I went back up to the room and carried the other chest down . I set it on top of the other chest and moved to the door . The locking lever clicked and I pressed on one side of the door . The whole door turned and I slipped through into a stone walled stall . The single lantern in the stable was dim and the horses shifted around . I peeked out of the stall and then went back through the door to bring the two chests out . I closed the door and lifted one of the chests . I carried it down the center isle to the far end of the stable and set it beside the large pile of manure . I brought the second chest and set it beside the first . I listened beside the side door that opened down from the wide front gate . I lifted the locking bar and set it beside the door . After hearing the outside guard walk past I opened the door and turned to lift the top chest . I set the chest down outside the door and then pulled the door closed before lifting it again and walking across the street . I moved as fast as I could and still stay quiet . I slipped around the wall and into a narrow alley before I set the chest down and turned to wait for the guard again . After the guard walked past I went back for the other chest . I carried the chest out and turned to the door . I set one end of the locking bar in the bracket before slipping my dagger under the other end and closing the door . I lowered the dagger , feeling the bar drop into place before turning to lift the chest and moving towards the alley . I was barely in time and watched the guards walk past before heading towards the other end of the alley . It seemed to take forever to move the two chests all the way to the river . I sank both chests in the small building that was half in the water after filling my pouch . This was an old abandoned boat house . I undressed and put my clothes back into the waterproof bag I had used on my swim before . I slipped into the water and moved to the center before swimming upriver towards the wall . By the time I staggered out of the water on the other side of the wall I was beat . I dried off and dressed quickly before heading towards the warehouse . It was quiet when I slipped back into the warehouse . When I laid down in the office the scribe stirred but did not seem to wake . It seemed that I had just closed my eyes when I heard the commotion from the warehouse as everyone began waking up . I looked at her and she just stood and began dressing . I striped and changed into soft grey clothing before heading out . Someone had already started the two stoves and I grabbed two men . I pulled out a single gold piece , " We need some hams and fresh eggs for breakfast . Also try to get a half side of beef for tonight . " They grinned and the one with a freshly scraped face nodded . I turned to watch as people woke and started moving around . I caught the old man that had started on the walls around the top of the office , " After you finish with the girls loft come see me . I think we are going to build a second floor with walls where everyone can sleep . " He nodded and ran out as I went outside . I stretched and headed to help water and feed the animals . By the time I got back to the warehouse there were a few guards there and everyone was talking about the robbery of Countess Tresliss . Breakfast was a feast with not just ham and eggs but someone had found porridge . One of the women had asked the guards if they were safe from this thief and the guard had snorted . The day was spent sending runners out looking for work , talking to farmers coming into the city and men leaving with carts or wagons . By the end of the day we were showing a healthy profit . We had also brought in beams and thick posts bought from farmers quietly to start building another floor . I listened to every rumor and one bothered me . He seemed to think about it and finally left . I went to bed early and woke to a guard poking his head in the door , I looked at him and he closed the door . I dressed and went out to find a couple of men awake and talking to two guards . It seems the guards and army had been doubled again and they had been walking around . I went back to bed and woke to a young boy prodding me awake . I looked at him and he smiled , " Momma said to wake you . " When I came out it was to the smell of tea . The women were toasting bread and cheese with left over ham from yesterday . I spilled most of the gold from my purse into the small box being used for the warehouse funds . We worked on the second floor as runners came and went . When someone yelled for a cart or wagon a man always jumped to go . The rumors going around were about a Baron caught in the streets last night . The guards and militia were so angry they had beaten him . Several more homeless families appeared and were accepted into our group . The second floor seemed to fly together . We had it half done before it was dinner time . This time a farmer had come to us to sell a couple of butchered sheep . I moved away to think and decided to pay the merchant a visit . It was late when I lifted my head and looked across the dark office . I slipped out of the bedroll and turned to fix it so anyone looking in would think I was still there . I had prepared for this , the office window had been oiled earlier and opened quietly . I slipped out and moved to the wall before heading towards the gate in the shadows . I found a spot I could use and started climbing the rough stones of the wall . I hesitated at the top and listened before slipping over . I crossed the guard walk on top of the wall and went over the side . The climb down was much slower as I felt for foot holds in the dark . I moved away from the dark shadows of the wall and silently made my way through the city . When I entered the gatehouse I could tell no one had been in it since I left . I went up to the archers perch and filled my purse with silver before leaving . I knew the merchant was probably planning something so instead of his home , I went to his shop . Merchant Dillon was a silver smith and had a huge shop . I used an alley and climbed the shop wall next to his . I knew he had apprentices that normally slept above the shop . I went over the roof of his neighbor and down through the attic vent into his shop . I moved slowly and quietly to the ceiling hatch and opened it . A careful glance showed no one around and I silently dropped to the second floor hall . I moved to the stairs and crept down . There was a bell over the door that would ring if anyone opened the door but that was it . I walked through the shop and into the back work area where several forges were . I turned to walk to the single office and looked around before pulling a thin bladed knife . I wedged it between the door and the jam and slid it down to the locking latch . I wiggled the blade and shifted it down more as the latch moved into the door . Finally there was a click and I slowly pulled on the door . It opened silently and I put the knife away as I moved into the office . Along the back wall were bars of silver and what looked like a lock box . I did not think the lock box had been here long since it blocked anyone from getting at the silver easily . It was not hard to force the lock on the box . I opened it and grinned at the gold coins inside . I looked around and grabbed a large bag lined with velvet . It was probably used to carry new silver items to their owners . I filled it with all the gold and then took my pack off . I carefully put the silver bars and the gold filled bag in the pack and left . I closed and locked the office behind me and went back through the front . Upstairs I glanced up at the open hatch and sighed before stripping off my pack and setting it down . I unwound a cord from my waist and tied one end to the pack and gasped the other end . I jumped and caught the edge of the hatch before pulling myself up and in . I turned and braced myself before pulling the pack up . I untied and rewound the rope before closing the ceiling hatch and carrying the pack to the vent . It was slower going as I retraced my steps over the roofs . Back in the alley I headed to a section of the wall I only dimly remembered . This was the real reason I had come tonight . I had to wait some time before crossing a street . When I reached the large inn I was looking for , my childhood memories returned . I was very careful moving into the inn stable yard . I slipped into the stable and silently walked down the wide isle between horse stalls . At the very end was the old grain room . I checked the hinges and pulled out a small bulb of oil . I squirted the oil on the hinges and put it away before slowly opening the door . It opened quietly and I closed it after I went in . I crossed the dark room feeling along one wall . Along the back wall I found the old thick door that blended into the wall . It was only because of the rusty lock that I found it . I fumbled in my shirt for the small skeleton key I had carried for the last ten years . The lock clicked open and I smiled before pushing against the door . This had been an old postern gate , long ago this inn had been built here and the stable built against the city wall . They had never even thought to brick up the small door . I had to stop to oil the old hinges a couple of times before I got the door open enough to squeeze through . I turned and closed the door before feeling my way across the other pitch dark room . I stumble several times before I found the door and opened it . The building built against the wall on this side was an old tannery that had gone out of business . It took a little while to make my way out a side door . I silently moved along in the shadows of the wall , several times guards walked by just paces away . When it was clear I moved to the open office window . I lowered the pack through the window before climbing in . I tucked the pack in the corner and stripped before relaxing under my blanket . I woke at just the hint of movement , I rolled and sprang for the window and the man halfway through it . He was just stepping down to the floor when I slammed into him . He yelled and tried to turn as I stepped back and kicked into the back of his knee . It buckled and I spun him as he fell , the scribe was screaming as I moved towards the man . He came to his feet with a dagger in his hand and I shifted back . The office door burst open and two guards and a small crowd of men started to enter . The man turned and I kicked him between the legs . As he folded and dropped to the floor the two guards came forward to grab him . I looked around at all the people , " QUIET ! " The guards pulled him out of the room and the crowd followed them . I dressed quickly and followed to find everyone out front crowded around several guards . A lantern was brought as I moved to the guards and one yanked the man 's head up . I shook my head , " I do not believe it . " I pushed my way through and headed towards the fire pit . A little later a few men walked up dressed and sat beside me as I coaxed the dead fire back to life . I shook my head and sighed , " I knew Merchant Dillon was trouble but … " I looked around , " Once the sun is fully up we go back to soliciting . We also start checking with the farmers coming in . Some of the younger boys and girls can go around to houses , see if they want to buy fresh produce . We also need to finish the second floor so everyone will have a place to sleep safely . Once the second floor is finished we need movable dividers on the main floor to put excess items . " Everyone nodded at that and I looked around , " Have some of the younger men go back to the commons when it is nice and warm . They should walk the streets and cobblestones for vipers . Have them cut the heads off and use those coil tongs to throw the heads into a buckets to be burned . The snakes they bring back we clean and skin . We can broil the snakes but the skins we clean and stretch to make belts and belt pouches . " I stood and went to help and the others began talking . It was a little while before breakfast was passed around and people began pulling carts and wagons out . Men and women started on the second floor as I headed into the city with an older lad . I bought several large barrels of flour and bolts of clothe to make new shirts or dresses . All the talk was about Dillon , his body was hanging from the central square for everyone to see . I think the guards knew he had not been the real thief but the other merchants and nobles were worried . I sent the lad back with my purchases and orders to fetch those he could not take himself . I went to walk the streets in the noble section . They were no longer letting people through that did not have a reason to be there . I had been thinking about doing a few things and returned to the warehouse and found it in turmoil . The king had sent a tax collector even though he was not due for another three weeks . Needless to say our money was gone . I was angry but did not let it show , instead I went inside and closed the office door before going to my pack in the corner . I pulled out a couple of large handfuls of gold and moved to the tin we used for our money . I carried it to the middle of the gathered crowed and held up a hand . When it was quiet I handed the tin to the woman that was our scribe and opened it so several people saw . The crowd broke up and the women moved outside and the next thing I knew they were busy making shirts and dresses . The large corral was busy as farmers arrived with their produce and men transferred it to our wagons or carts . They headed into the city and runners started coming and going . I was helping with the heavy beams or other chores around the warehouse . I also started a private project , in one back corner I threw up walls for a large room . I had a few men help me bring in three new water troughs and set up a small copper boiler in one corner . I had the scribe give a runner a single gold piece and sent him to a pottery maker . I ordered several pieces of clay pipe that was normally used in the rich houses to get rid of waste . I also sent the old trough back to the corral and placed a new one a few feet in the air just outside the warehouse room I was building . We had a few more people join us and they were welcomed and put to work . At the end of the day we sat around the fire eating a nice dinner . I smiled at a large group of women that were frowning at the trough in the corral , " Go look in the room I built downstairs . " They looked at each other and left , when they did not return other women went to see what was wrong . Finally all the women and older girls were gone and the men chuckled . They were the ones to help build the room and knew it was a bathing room just for the women . That night I slept outside by the fire pit , I managed to slip away in the middle of the night . I used the river again to swim to the noble 's island . This time I used a couple of empty barrels to float the chests to the bars under the wall . I let the chests sink before letting the barrels fill with water . I swam down with them and under the bars before slowly surfacing . On the surface I drained the water from the barrels and corked the bung hole . I drove and pulled the two chests under the bars before surfacing . I used a rope to slowly pull them up and tie them to the barrels before swimming to the bank . One by one I carried the chests to the back of the warehouse . I dried off and dressed before lying down . I woke to men coming out and threw the dark blanket off me . A guard had been sitting at the pit staring into the coals and jerk in surprise , " SHIT ! " The day started off with reports of two thieves caught in the city . Both were caught in the act and were hung . The second floor was almost done as runners headed into the city . Carts rolled out with a few wagons as everyone became busy . I headed into the city to Magistrate 's Square . I paid the city clerk for the old tannery and left . I stopped at the tannery on the way back to lock the door to the room that had the doorway through the wall . At the warehouse there was a huge crowd of new people , they had just arrived from other cities . I sighed and pulled the old man that was in charge of building the second floor aside , " Go to the old tannery next door and see what we will need to clean it up . " I pulled a couple of men aside that had experience with wagons and began drawing a wagon with different springs . When I finished I looked around and shook my head , " I sent old Jacob next door , go look and see if there is room to build wagons like the one I just showed you . Also go see the blacksmith and ask how much it will cost to make the new springs . " They nodded and left as I turned back to a couple of women that were approaching me . The next thing I knew I was sending them to buy more fabric . I also sent lads to the market for fresh baked bread and a few other things we needed . I checked on Jacob later and found them cleaning everything . I made a point of removing the lock on the back room and replacing it . I grinned at Jacob , " No windows for some thief to step on me . " The rest of the day was spent trying to organize people for Jacob and paying for material . I also moved a dozen large empty barrels into the city and down a alley beside the river . The women made a point of going to bathe together as the men stayed around the fire pit and talked . The upper floor in the warehouse was finished and as it began to get dark everyone went to bed . I moved my belongings and waited a little and then carefully moved the two chests to the room in the tannery and buried them in my room . I locked the door and slipped through the wall . There were small patrols of guards in the streets . I silently moved to the bridge and slipped in . Upstairs I moved things around and climbed to the archers perch . I moved the chests down one at a time and then moved them down to the door . I opened the outer door and started moving the chest out and along the river bank . After the last one I went back and closed the door and locked it . One by one I tied the chests to the empty barrels and slipped them quietly into the river . After the last one went in I stripped and put my clothes in another empty barrel and waded into the river . I tied the lead rope around my waist and started swimming towards the middle of the river , towing the floating barrels behind me . I was exhausted when I finally reached the wall and then pulled each barrel to the bars and untied the chest . They sank to the bottom and I released the barrel to do the next one . After the last one was untied I tied the barrel with my clothes to the bars and dove . I swam down and under the bars before coming up on the other side . I pulled my clothes out of the barrel and untied it before swimming to the bank . I dried off and dressed before slipping through the shadows to the fire pit . I was warming my hands after building the fire up a little when a guard appeared . He looked at me , " Up late ? " I was up with the first hint of dawn and dressed before going next door . Men were already moving around and some headed towards the gates to catch farmers heading into the city . I caught a few of the older boys , " find a boat and go to the down river wall . I have been thinking and merchants sometimes just throw empty barrels in the river . The city guards only clear the bars once a month and I do not think they have done it for a long time . " They looked at each other and I cuffed one , " Think boys , what do merchants always need ? They buy new barrels all the time . What if we provide a few to them ? " I let them work it out and went to check on the tannery . Everything was going smoothly so I went into the city . I was shopping for fresh bread when I almost ran into Duke Edwards . I turned and crouched while bending my neck as I finished buying a couple of large sacks full of bread rolls . He was arrogant , rude and stuffy as always . He was also one of the few that might recognize me . When he stomped off I paid the baker and left , I was thinking the whole way back . The warehouse seemed happy and full of barrels when I got there . I had to smile at the huge supply the boys had brought back . I clapped one on the back , " Now you get some of the boys and girls to go around to the shops and ask if they need barrels . " He grinned and nodded as he started yelling names . I helped here or there as men moved wagons and carts around . All day I was thinking about Duke Edwards , he was a powerful noble . He was also out of favor with my brother because he took care of the people in his duchy . It was right before dinner that a large group of families arrived . Jacob was next to me and murmured that they were from the far side of the city . They were homeless and everyone just shifted around and we made room . I slipped through the streets that night , it was after midnight as I silently made my to the bridge . I slipped in and climbed up to cross above the guards . I slipped away from the bridge quietly on the other side . The large estate I went to was close to the river fork and the king 's Keep . I used a small side gate to enter . I watched the guards before crossing to the manor and climbing the wooden trellis . I quietly slipped onto the second floor balcony and crossed to the door . It was unlocked and I slipped in before standing still to let my eyes adjust . I slipped out of the manor and then the estate . I hesitated before moving towards the king 's Keep and a large estate next to it . It was fairly simple to slip in and across to the manor . I was able to use a side door and shook my head at the lack of guards . I found the study and unlocked the door before going in . Another door was locked and I opened it to see several large chests . Each one was filled with gold and silver coins . I closed and locked the door before locking the study door behind me . By the time I crawled into bed it was almost time to get up . The morning was as busy as every morning with finding food for everyone . I glanced up when a cloaked man and woman walked up to the fire with two young children . I smiled , " welcome uncle . " I glanced around again , " I started a business to give them hope . I need someone that knows business . Those that are struggling inside the city can use a good money lender . I think if they have . . . uncounted funds they may fair better . " I smiled as I thought and looked at him , " Check out the old tannery for space for you and your family . Start with the smaller merchants like the bakers , blacksmiths and butchers , also any farmer that need help let . . . Jacob or my scribe know if they just need helpers . " I raised an eyebrow and he nodded before turning away . I went to see the scribe to tell her about the new man named Patrick and what he was doing . After that I went walking around inside the city . I listened to the rumors and gossip as well as complaints . There was a lot that had been sent to the king and gone unanswered . I was returning when a new proclamation was posted . It was a moment before they laughed and things lightened up . A couple of farmers stopped on their way out of the city to sell some of their food to us . Patrick and his family seemed to blend in with the others as everyone pitched in to get things done . His wife and daughters slipped away with the other women . When he looked around and ask where the women had gone all the men chuckled . After it got dark everyone slipped away to their beds . I made sure Patrick and his family had someplace to sleep before going to my room . I slipped through the wall and moved through the shadowy streets . Tonight was going to be busy . I slipped into the gatehouse and crossed over to the nobles retreat . I moved more carefully now . When I reached the estate that Brasalow had taken I waited and watched . Like before there was not any guards , I slipped into the estate and into the manor . I picked the locks again as I heard laughing in the great hall . I lifted the first chest and silently carried it out and across to the wall . I went back for another chest and then another , there were four chests altogether . I had to keep using relays to move the chest through the retreat . I knew that if Brasalow had influence with my brother every house would be searched . I moved the chests all the way up to the old half sunken boathouse . I had to move a few snakes away before sinking them in the river . I went back to the bridge and slipped across before moving through the city . I took extra time to move old hay in front of the door into the granary before slipping through . I turned to get dressed before following him out . It was almost noon before the guards got to us . Their search was through if done reluctantly . We had wagons and runners out when Patrick found me working on the loft in the tannery . He grinned , " I have a few customers . " I nodded and straightened before using the new stairs and going to my room . I quietly uncovered one of the chest as Patrick watched from the door . I scooped out what he needed and then covered the chest again . He grinned and slapped my shoulder before leaving . I went to check some of the other projects including the new wagon some of the men were building . I also moved four large empty barrels to the edge of the river inside the city . That evening as we ate I called a meeting and after everyone gathered around I had different people give reports of how things were going . We had another dozen families join us during the day but they were settling in . All but one dress shop in the city had gone out of business so I suggested starting one here . Several times the guards walked by or came to the fire to warm their hands . It seems my brother was pissed and heads were rolling . A new curfew law was in effect throughout the city . It was supposed to start as soon as the sun set . As it grew dark everyone went to their beds and I slipped into the shadows , I waited and moved towards the river . The older boys had been hunting snakes along the banks all day . There were only a few snakes moving as I stripped and hung my clothes on the corral of another abandoned warehouse . I slipped into the water and swam out to the middle of the river before turning to let the current carry me towards the wall . I ducked and swam down and under the bars before surfacing on the other side . I was careful swimming to the side with the waiting barrels . I quietly moved the barrels into the river and started swimming across . I let the current pull me down the river a little as I swam until I finally reached the old half sunken boathouse . I used rope to pull up the chests of money and secured them under each barrel . The swim back up the river towing the barrels was accompanied by loud grumbles and flashes of lightning . I sank the chests again and let the barrels go before swimming down and pulling each chest under the bars . I surfaced on the other side of the wall and looked around as lightning lit up the area . I swam to the bank and walked out before using a rag to dry off . I got dressed and carefully slipped along the wall and down to the tannery . I saw guards several times but managed to reach the safety of my room . I lay back thinking and grinned before getting up . I carefully went through the door in the wall and moved hay back to cover the grain door before slipping through the city as it began to rain hard . It was easy to get into the gatehouse and cross over . All the guards were huddled together under whatever they could find . I moved through the silent streets straight to the king 's Keep . I slipped around the outside walls to the river fork before going to the small door hidden in the wall . I used a long thin dagger between the door frame to lift the inner locking bar . I closed the door after I was in and used sulfur matches I kept wrapped to light a tiny lantern on the wall . I checked the floor for snakes before stripping out of my wet clothes . I used the lantern and followed the narrow way into the Keep . This was one of the old hidden escape routes out of the Keep . When I came to the other end I hung the lantern before blowing it out . I pulled the wooden lever and the thick panel opened . I stepped into an old dusty room and looked around with a smile . Once upon a time this had been my room , now it was just another small dusty room left unused . I closed the panel and crossed to the other door . I turned to pull a small dusty cloak from a peg and wrap it around me before slipping into the hall . I moved down the hall and glanced up the stone stairs before quickly moving passed them . At the other end of the hall was a small linen closet . I opened the door and glanced towards the stairs as I heard footsteps . I slipped into the closet and closed door before feeling for the back wall . I pushed on the right side and the wall pivoted . I slipped into the small space and carefully pulling the wall back into place . The space I was in was a bare pace wide and two long . What it had was a wooden crosspieces like a ladder . They led up behind each of the linen closets on the upper floors . I moved up in the pitch blackness and used my hands to feel along the wall . On the third floor I pulled and tugged to pivot the wall . I carefully slipped into the closet and closed the back wall . I listened before opening the door and looking around the empty semi dark hall . I closed the door and walked down the hall to a room at the end . I listened before opening the door and slipping in . I glanced at the man and woman sleeping on the bed before moving to the side of the fireplace . The embers of the fire still gave off light so I was able to find the stone I was looking for . The sides of the fireplace extended out before angling towards the wall . I pushed the stone in and the one below it had a hole like a handle . I looked at the sleeping couple before pulling on the lower stone . The wall grated a little as it turned and pivoted . I glanced at the bed before slipping in on one side carefully . I held the rough stones and pulled the wall closed . I shifted over in the pitch blackness feeling with my feet . The small hole seemed a lot smaller than I remembered but I managed to climb down through it . I listened for a long time after I reached the floor below . I finally felt around until I found the stone lever and pulled . I pushed and the wall opened to another room with glowing embers lighting it . I slipped into it and glanced around at my brother 's study . Against the far wall was the treasure chests with crests on the wall above each . I went to the large desk and looked around before taking the pouch of gold to one side . After that I moved each of the chests into the space beside the fireplace . I had to stack them to make them fit and then I went to the wall that held my father 's sword . I took it down and put it with the chests before climbing onto them and turned to pull the wall closed . Going back the way I had come seemed to take a lot longer but the thunder and heavy rain seemed to cover any noise I made . When I reached my clothes I dressed and opened the door to see the river swollen . It was almost to the door as I turned and slipped a dagger under the locking bar . I closed and locked the door before moving along the Keep walls . It was simple to get back to the bridge and cross over . When I reached the inn and the stables I almost walked into three guards huddled together in the stables . They were trying to stay dry so I had to slipped back into the shadows . I managed to climb up to the stable loft window and climb in . I stayed there and listen to the guards grumble angrily . It was almost morning before the rain slowed and they left . I slipped back into my room and locked the door before stripping . I put warm , dry clothing on and lay back on my bed . I woke to knocking on my door and went to help get the day started . It was late morning when the rumors started . The king was furious and the guards were tearing apart every hiding place in the city to find his treasure . Patrick glanced at me as he talked to a merchant wringing his hands , I shrugged and he shook his head . I went into the city and locked the door in the granary as well as block the granary door completely . I put an old rusty lock on the door in my room and made sure there were no signs it had been opened . I sent all the older boys out along the area beside the river to watch for snakes and they were returning with dozens when the squad of guards showed up . A tight lipped duke Brasalow watched as they searched everywhere . While he was there I stayed back so he did not see me . When they searched my room they broke the lock off the door and tried to open it . When they could not they tossed everything in the room around and left . Even the soldiers and guards quarters were searched which made them angrier . My brother ordered constant patrols and people stopped and detained . There were quiet rumors and whispers of the barons talking together . That night after everyone was asleep I slipped out and went to the river . I carried an oil wrapped package with my clothes and weapons . I spent an hours pulling chests out from under the wall . When I finished I swam down river letting the current move me . When I got to the king 's Keep and swam ashore I opened the package . I dressed and used the hidden door and moved through the Keep . Even before I reached my brother 's chambers I heard his drunken bellows . The guards that were supposed to be guarding his door were nowhere to be seen . I opened his door and walked in to see him and duke Brasalow drinking by the fire . I bowed and walked towards them . He swayed when I reached him and pulled my dagger and struck . It slid up under his jaw and into his brain . I let him fall and turned to kick my brother as he stood . I moved after him as he struggled to find the dagger on his belt . I grabbed his hair and slammed his head into the wall and let him slump to the floor . I glanced around before walking to the filthy bed and pulling the sheets off . I cut them into strips and tied them together before going to my brother . I lifted him to my shoulder and carried him out . I used back hallways until I reached the door up onto the wall . As I walked around the wall towards the front of the Keep several guards looked at me and stepped aside before following . When I was over the gates I dropped my brother and tied one end of the sheets to a metal stanchion before kneeling and making a loop . I put it around my brother 's neck and lifted him and dumped him over the wall . As he jerked and strangled I turned to the guards , " My name is William Edward Kingson . My father was King Henry . " They looked at each other before looking back at me and shaking their heads . I nodded , " First I want your officers , all of them . Next I want every noble brought to the great hall . " They straightened before nodding and murmuring together as they split up . I walked back along the wall leaving my brother swaying and jerking on the end of the sheets . I walked down to the great hall and found several officers waiting . I walked towards the new gilded throne my brother had used and kicked it off the platform . I gestured to one of the officer , " bring that chair behind you . " I glanced at the doors where dozens of guards and soldiers stood , " As soon as we speak with the nobles they are returning to their estates . Your job is not and has never been to gather around the king to guard him . Your job is to protect the kingdom . " I waited as the barons walked to me , a few looked like they wanted to say something . It was another hour before the rest of the nobles came in and I stood , " My name is William Edward Kingson . My brother is dead and I am king . " I looked at the other nobles , " our kingdom is dying . You and my brother have strangled the common people until we have little commerce and many farms lay fallow . It is your responsibility to care for your people and your lands . The fewer people there are the fewer taxes . We need to provide them enough to live on and not take everything they have or they will leave and you will have nothing . " They were looking at each other as others joined us . I looked at each of them , " I want each of you to return to your lands and do an accounting . We need to know how bad it is through out the kingdom . " The morning was spent talking to people before I began to walk through the city . People came out to see me since I had a couple of guards with me and a clerk taking notes . When I walked into the warehouse the people stared and whispered . I gestured to Patrick and he grinned as he walked to me , " your highness . " I gestured to the old scribe and then Jacob . They came to me slowly and I smiled , " you two are in charge here . Make sure everyone is cared for , if you need help let me know . " The weeks that past were not easy , there were a few nobles that did not take me seriously . I did as I had threatened and hung their bodies . I also recovered the money in the river and added it to the treasury . It only took a few years to bring the kingdom back from darkness . A few times every week I slip away to spend time at the warehouse but many of those that had come here had homes again . Read 41889 times |
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Mark stopped the welding job for a moment to wipe sweat from his brow and glanced out of the garage to where his flatbed truck was parked . There was only one thing Mark loved more than his truck , and that was his twenty year old daughter , who was currently inside the house , studying for her college exams . With his free hand he pulled the bottle of beer he was drinking closer and finished it , then looked at the empty bottle in disgust and grunted . He stood up , walked over to the fridge he kept in the garage and fetched another beer . After draining half of the beer in one go he returned to his welding work . The steel box he was constructing was a work of art . The top part , the part that could open , had several compartments for tools and loose spares for his truck . He was going to weld the box onto his truck , so he would always have those little parts and tools that he might need on the road . Mark flipped the welding helmet down and once again bent to his work . In the garage , blue light danced and played as he drew the welding rod along the edge where two sheets of metal connected , welding them together perfectly . He 'd practiced for months before starting work on the box , because he wanted the box to be perfect . Inside the house , the same house where his lovely daughter was studying for her exams , his bitch of a wife was probably lying in front of the television . He hated that . She could have done so much with her life , she could have been so much , but no . After she had given him the daughter he loved so much , she had become nothing but a slob who spent her life in front of the television . He had spent the last twenty years of his life bringing in the money , money which she just could not wait to get her hands on . The flux curled off his welding job in a straight line , but even so Mark had to use the hammer to chip away more flux , but when he looked at the weld he was satisfied . It would last a lifetime , and it would be completely airtight and watertight . After brushing the weld clean he absentmindedly drank the rest of the beer , then stuck a new welding rod into the clamp and continued welding . For twenty years , the complaining had never stopped . Every month - end was the same , there was never enough money . In her eyes all he ever did was drive his truck up and down the country , having a great time travelling , while she had to stay at home to look after their daughter . Now though , the time his wife spent at home was going to come to an end . Even just thinking about it made Mark stop his work and fetch a fresh beer from the fridge . The steel box he was creating had two levels . In the top part he had made all the compartments for his tools , and the bottom part would hold the bed . It was a lovely bed , soft and covered with silk . After tonight , she would not be able to tell him that she did not want to join him on his rides , because she would have a bed to sleep in while they toured the country together . Mark remembered the first few months of their marriage . It had been the most magical time of his life , when his young and beautiful wife Margery had travelled through the country with him . Everywhere he had gone , she had been in the truck with him , singing along with the radio and dreaming dreams of a long and happy life together . After a few months though , Margery had grown tired of life on the road . At first she had just stayed home for a few days at a time while he did the long haul to small towns . But the time she spent at home had quickly grown to weeks and then months , until she had stopped travelling with him altogether . He shook his head . Thinking about those long - ago years was good , because it was what he yearned for , and it was what he was going to bring back with this box . But tonight he had a lot of work to do . The box was almost finished , but the real work would only start once the box was ready . The beer was starting to have an effect on his craftsmanship , but tonight he needed the help of a few beers , to do what had to be done , to finish the job . He took another long pull from the bottle and touched the welding rod to his work again . He 'd chosen special thick steel plates to work with , because this box could never be allowed to come apart or to rust through . Margery was a complainer by nature , and he could imagine what she would say if the box he had made for her came apart at the seams . Mark turned his thoughts from his wife to his daughter . Oh , the lovely Lisa . How it was that Lisa could still stay in the same house as her mother Mark could not understand , because it was obvious that Margery had grown to hate the daughter that Mark had grown to love . It was as if she simply hated the girl because it was another thing that her husband could feel bad about , another way in which she could annoy him . Mark put down the clamp holding the welding rod and took off the welding mask , then finished the rest of the beer in the bottle . The job was almost done , the box was almost complete . He switched the welding machine off and walked over to the fridge to fetch another beer , but checked himself . He still had work to take care of , he could have a beer later . For now he turned around and walked out the garage and headed towards the house . He 'd been right , of course . He found Margery sprawled in front of the television , watching one of the long list of soap operas she lived for . He was fascinated by how she could so utterly and completely live her life through the fake people on the television . Sometimes he 'd thought of telling her how she was wasting her own life , but knew it would just result in another huge argument which she would ultimately win by spending the night in the spare room and ignoring him until he was back in his truck and away on yet another trip . He stopped in the lounge . With their daughter in the house , there was a truce between his wife and him . Both of them knew that Lisa was the only reason that their marriage was still intact . And both of them knew that as soon as Lisa was finished with her studies in twelve months ' time , their marriage would end . But Mark was determined to stop this from happening . He was going to make dead sure that Margery stayed with him . ' Would you like a glass of wine ? ' he asked . ' Here 's my glass , ' answered Margery , holding out the glass she 'd been drinking from , just as he had known she would . Not a please or thank you , just the lazy way she had of getting through life with the least amount of effort . He took the glass from her without another word and walked to the kitchen where he switched on the kettle , knowing that his daughter would not refuse a cup of coffee . While he waited for the kettle to boil he filled his wife 's glass from the wine bottle that was standing on the table , noting that she 'd already finished off most of the bottle . With a glance towards the kitchen door to make sure he was still alone he slipped the little bottle of sleeping pills out of his pocket and shook a few into his hand . He 'd been testing the pills on both his wife and his daughter for weeks now , checking to see how many of them he could add to their wine and coffee before they noticed something and complained that the drinks tasted strange . Lisa had been the easiest , he 'd only ever wanted to give her a good night 's sleep while he did a bit of work . His wife needed a bit more , but tonight she 'd been drinking , she would not know if anything was amiss . He dropped three of the tablets into her wine , enough to put her to sleep for a good few hours , then swirled the wine around as the little blue tablets dissolved . When the wine was ready he put two of the tablets in his daughter 's coffee cup , feeling slightly guilty for doing so . But the pills would do no damage other than seeing that she got a good night 's sleep . He took the glass of wine through to the lounge and handed it to Margery , who took it with only a grunt , as if she was doing him a favour and he should be grateful for it . My pleasure , he thought as he returned to the kitchen where the water was just coming to the boil . He finished making his daughter 's coffee , then walked down the short passage to her room . ' Lisa sweetheart , ' he said , knocking softly on her door . ' Daddy ' Oh Daddy , thanks . I 'm just finishing my studies , I could do with a cup . Are you still working ? ' she asked , opening the door and taking the cup from him with a smile . ' Yes honey , but only for a short while , then I 'm going to have a bath . ' Mark fetched himself a beer from the kitchen fridge and headed out of the house , checking his wife 's wine glass as he passed her . At the rate she was drinking she might not even have needed the little pills tonight . But still , he had to take every precaution . Back in the garage he opened the beer and sat drinking in silence . It would take only a few minutes for the pills to kick in , but he would give them lots of time , to make sure that nothing he did bothered them while they slept . Some time later he saw the ghostly image of the television disappear from the lounge curtain and then the light was switched off . He drank the rest of his beer in silence as the night settled around him . In the garage the steel toolbox he 'd made looked strangely surreal , out of place . He hoped he had remembered everything needed for the bed at the bottom of the steel box , but he 'd gone over everything a dozen times . Margery had always liked a soft mattress , and a plump pillow . He 'd chosen the sheets from the best he could find , because he had to get her the best of everything . From now on she would be accompanying him on all his journeys , and she would have to be comfortable in the bed he 'd made for her . He checked the beer he was drinking and sighed . Maybe he had overdone the Dutch courage thing a bit , but it was too late to stop now . He was way more drunk than he 'd intended getting tonight , he could only hope that he would be able to finish the rest of the job with a steady hand . Around him the night grew cold , while outside in the yard his truck stood waiting . Tomorrow morning , when the sun was just making an appearance , he would be in the truck , him and Margery , and the rest of their lives would start . But there was still a lot of work to get done . Working quietly , he slipped the chains from a pulley system through the handles of the box and pulled the box up with the pulley system , until the box was hanging in the air high above the bed . When he was done Mark walked a little unsteadily out of the garage , switching off the light as he left . Now the whole house and the garage were dark , and in the moonless night he could barely see what he was doing . During the previous few weeks though , he 'd practiced everything over and over until he knew exactly what needed to be done . Now he pulled the wheeled trolley from the side of the house . This was not the tool trolley that he used in the garage , but another one he 'd built just for tonight . It was just a plain piece of planking with four wheels , designed to carry one rather heavy object . With the trolley in tow he walked back to the house and heaved it through the back door . Then he stopped and listened , checking that the house was quiet . He left the trolley by the back door and walked to his daughter 's room , where he stood still for a while , listening for any sound , but the house was deadly quiet . He walked back and fetched the trolley , pulling it behind him to where his wife lay passed out on the couch in the pitch black darkness of the house . Here he had to move one of the other chairs out of the way to get the trolley in front of the couch where his wife lay sleeping the peaceful sleep of somebody who had had a few too many , with some added pills . He 'd lived in this house for many years , and even in the total darkness it didn 't take him long to pull her from the couch onto the trolley , but there was a heart stopping moment when she hit the wooden board with a loud bang . He stopped and waited to hear if Lisa would come out of her room to inspect what the noise was about , but the house kept its peace , the little pills he had put in her coffee was keeping Lisa asleep . Still working in the pitch dark Mark moved the trolley out of the house and back to the garage . Now he did not dare to switch on a light f * * * He 'd slept later than he 'd intended to , but he supposed it didn 't matter . All that mattered was the long road ahead , and a wonderful new life waiting . After a quick shower Mark stopped in the kitchen only long enough to make a cup of coffee for the road , then he headed out to his truck , whistling a happy tune as he swung himself up into the cab . Moments later the engine roared into life , and he punched the air . With a broad smile Mark took the truck onto the road and headed for the depot where he would pick up his first load of the week . Behind him , on the flatbed , his new box was still mostly empty . Later , when he had more time , he would add some spares and some tools , but for now it held only his wife , sleeping serenely in her new bed . It was a great day . At last , after months of preparations , his wife was enjoying the open road with him once again . Later in the morning , when the flatbed was loaded with crates and he was on the long road and well on his way to Phillips town , Mark pulled over at a truck rest stop . Normally he would drive for many hours before stopping , but now he wanted to spend a few minutes in the company of his wife . He pulled his sandwiches over and left the cabin , then climbed onto the flatbed and made himself comfortable on the steel box . He ate half of one sandwich before he spoke for the first time . ' What a beautiful morning it is ! ' he said with real enthusiasm in his voice . The silence of the empty truck yard answered him , but that was what he liked best . Himself and his truck , and some good company . It had been too long a time riding alone , while his wife sat at home . Now they were together again , as it should have been all those years . ' I 'm really glad you are travelling with me again , ' he said , speaking to his sleeping wife . ' It 's been far too long , you were growing old alone in that old house . It 's much better out here , out in the open , discovering new places . ' Another truck passed on the road outside the truck stop , roaring contentedly along the blacktop . The driver must have seen him sitting on his box , because he sounded the big truck 's horn in greeting . Mark lifted a hand and waved , but didn 't look at the truck . ' See , ' he said . ' The truckers are a friendly bunch . Don 't you remember how friendly they always were when we stopped at the roadside ? We 're a family , us truckers , and you 're part of the family now , like you used to be . ' In the growing heat of the morning Mark finished eating his sandwiches , then stood up and patted the box . ' Don 't you worry about a thing now , Margery . You 're safe in your bed , and nothing bad can happen to you now . I 'm going to take you places , like I promised you when we first got married . I 'm going to show you the whole country , and we 're going to have a wonderful time together . ' With this he jumped off the flatbed and climbed back into the cab . Minutes later he was back on the road , humming happily to himself as the wheels rolled him forward . He still had to finish the last part of the job , but he would just have to grit his teeth and get it over with . After that , life would be splendid . It was after lunch when Mark pulled into a truck stop just outside Phillips town . He greeted the other truckers and ordered a hamburger from the counter , then sat and ate his food while the ceiling fan tried in vain to do something about the heat . When he 'd finished eating he leaned back and pulled his phone from his pocket . First things first , he thought , and rang his wife 's number . He waited for the call to ring through to her voice mail , then left a message that she should please call him back . He contemplated calling Lisa to wish her luck with the exams , but decided against it , she would probably call him when she 'd finished writing to let him know how things had gone . Instead he left the restaurant and headed out on the road again , with Grassville ahead of him . He switched on the radio and sang along with a couple of his old favourite songs , while the miles rolled by . He reached Grassville just as the sun was setting , by now the beer of the previous night was starting to take its toll on him . He drove into Macy 's truck stop where he always stayed over , then just sat in the cab for a while before calling his wife 's number . Once again he let it ring through to voicemail and left a message . She had never answered his calls anyway , and she had never , ever , returned any of his calls . But when the police checked the records , it would have to show that he had tried calling her . After ringing off he called his daughter 's number , but her phone rang through to voice mail too . He left a message for her to call him , then killed the phone and looked at the screen for a while . Can 't be too careful , he decided , and called his neighbours number . ' Hey Mark , what 's up ? ' asked Jackson when he answered the phone . ' Jackson , I can 't seem to reach my wife by phone . Won 't you just pop around to my place and make sure everything 's ok ? ' ' Sure , no problem Mark . I 'll call you in a few minutes as soon as I 've been over there , ' answered Jackson and rang off . By the time Mark had ordered supper from Macy 's , Jackson was back on the phone . ' Nobody home , Mark , ' he said . ' Mmmm , ' answered Mark . ' My daughter not there either ? ' ' Doesn 't look like it . You want me to check on them when they arrive ? ' ' No , don 't bother yourself Jackson . I 've left messages for both of them , they 're sure to contact me . Thanks a lot man ! ' Mark wasn 't worried . Lisa had a hectic schedule at college , and she was probably staying in for the night , studying for tomorrow 's exams . He finished eating and then went out to his truck to check that everything was locked up for the night . It was still early morning when he rolled out of the truck stop again , a solid breakfast inside him . He drove for two hours until he had reached the medium sized city of Border , knowing he could no longer put it off . After once again leaving a message on his wife 's phone he called the number of the local police station near his home . It took him only a short while to explain to them that he had not been able to reach his wife and ask them to check up on her . When the operator had logged his call he left his truck and went to sit on the steel box again , this time with a flask of coffee to drink . ' It 's going to be a bit hectic , the next few days , and I might have to leave you alone for a day or two , Margery . Don 't you worry though , you 'll be safe in your bed , nobody will bother you there . ' He spoke quietly this time , because there were a few other truckers around in the yard where he had chosen to stop . It had to be a safe place , because he would have to leave his truck there so that he could go home to assist the police in trying to find his wife . It wasn 't long before his phone rang and the operator explained to him that they had gone to his house , but his wife had not been there . After speaking to her for a while Mark agreed to return home , just in case something bad had happened . In the meantime , the operator promised that she would check all the local hospitals in case Margery had landed herself up in one of them . The yellow cab pulled up to the curb and Mark handed over a fistful of coins , opened the door and stepped out . He 'd taken a plane home , leaving his truck with its new steel box miles away from the prying eyes of the police . There was already a police vehicle parked in front of his house , the officer idly waiting for him in the afternoon sunlight . ' You Mister Mason ? ' he asked when Mark walked up to him . ' That 's right . Have you found my wife yet ? ' he asked . ' No sir . But I understand she hasn 't been missing for too long . Mind if I have a look around the property ? ' ' Of course not , ' said Mark and beckoned the man to follow him . ' It 's just not like her to disappear for any amount of time . She usually stays right in front of the television . ' They had just returned to the kitchen and Mark was offering the policeman a cup of coffee when a car pulled into the driveway . They listened as the door slammed shut , then waited for whoever it was to come around to the front door . Moments later , Margery walked into the house . She looked at Mark and the police officer in surprise , but didn 't seem too worried about seeing them there . ' What 's going on ? ' she asked . ' I thought you were on a trip to Broadwalk ? ' Mark looked at his wife . Slowly , a deep pit was opening in his stomach . How in the name of hell could she be standing in the house ? He had put her in her bed , and there was no way she could have gotten out of there . She was sleeping , sleeping on the back of his flatbed ! ' Yes , it 's her , ' he answered , looking at Margery in shock . ' Where have you been ? I 've been trying to call you for two days ! ' He hoped the shock he felt was not being carried on his voice , because then the policeman was definitely going to suspect something was wrong . ' I 've been ill , ' said Margery . ' That wine I drank the other night make me sick . I went to sleep in the spare bedroom to make sure you didn 't wake me when you came in from building whatever it was that you were building in the garage . I 've just slept for almost two days ! ' Mark thought furiously , trying to work out what the hell was going on . At a complete loss of what to say , he decided to stall for time until he could figure out why his wife was not in the box where he had put her . ' Where is Lisa ? ' he asked , hoping that the policeman would find the conversation boring and leave . Right now , he wanted the house empty , so that he could get to his garage and have a beer while he thought things over . When Margery spoke it was with the scornful voice she usually used when having to talk about his beloved daughter . ' I don 't know . The last I saw of her was before I went to sleep two nights ago , when the wine made me ill . She came in here and said she wanted to watch telly a bit . ' Margery jerked her thumb towards the couch on which she 'd sat the night when she 'd been drinking the wine . ' She was sitting there , but fell asleep almost immediately , so I just turned the telly off and switched off the lights . ' Margery sniffed and tried to sound even more sarcastic than usual . ' I don 't think she 's going to do too well at college if she sleeps in front of the telly instead of studying , ' she said , looking triumphant . Mark looked at the couch , a depth of sickness opening up in his stomach . ' Excuse me , ' was all he could say , and left the house , hurrying out to his garage . Ten minutes later the policeman left , deciding that he could see a domestic row coming on and that they could sort it out for themselves . In the garage , Mark opened and started drinking his second beer . It was an old man who climbed onto the flatbed truck . He 'd stopped next to the road , far away from anything , far away from anybody . He needed time alone , time to say what needed to be said . He didn 't know what needed to be said , but he did know that he needed to say something , anything . Once he 'd made himself comfortable on the steel box he opened the can of cola he had in his hand and drank deeply before looking down . A tear rolled down his cheek .
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A week of Christmas has gone by and all is well in our little household in Ballyard . Even though neither of us said anything , I think both Lisa and I feared that it would be a Christmas of shakes and seizures . However , we just had the most peaceful seven days in a long time . A veritable Christmas miracle … Christmas morning broke and it was a miserable , dark winter 's day . The sort of day I love , when you don 't have to feel guilty for not moving off the couch , just beating a track from the kitchen to the front room and back . Fred woke at 8am and by about 8 . 30 , he was ready for going downstairs . Lisa and Ruby were waiting for us at the top of the stairs and we went down to see if Santa had arrived . Under the tree there was a big red sack waiting for the man and he wasn 't disappointed . Godzilla and Ultraman gifts , Santa knows what our Fred likes . Ruby got clothes and makeup galore , within minutes , she was back upstairs to try them all on and I went to make the breakfast . The rest of our day went smoothly . Every now and again we 'd ask Fred if he was ok and by the end of the day , he was getting fed up with all the questions . He 's been on this new medicine , Clonazepam , half a tablet morning and evening , and it seems to have done the job . The involuntary jerking has gone , he 's not shaking and we just had eight days seizure free . The only problem is that its only recommended for short term use , it 's a valium derivative and , as the housewives of the ' 60s found out , it can become quite addictive . The neurologist only wants him to take it five days running at a time , preferably only three . It seems to have had such a good effect at stretching the gap between seizures that we 're loath to stop now … something we 'll have to discuss with Olivia in the New Year . The eight days seizure free was only broken early Saturday morning . Fred had gone to bed late and only dropped off to sleep about midnight . The problem with holidays is we 're rising late and doing nothing all day . Its difficult to break the cycle when the whole household is lazy and the weather doesn 't encourage you either . When I went to bed , about 11 . 30pm , he was still awake , waiting for a bedtime story . I had to be tough on the man and refuse him a story ; I didn 't want him to get in the habit of waiting for me every night . " Ok Dad , " he said when I told him no story and to go to sleep . He was still restless when I put down my book about 12 . 30am and I kissed him goodnight before closing my eyes . About an hour later , I was woken by the first frontal lobe seizure , no more that five seconds but he makes a noise as if he 's struggling for breath after getting a huge fright . He rolled over . Another struck about ten minutes later . The exact same as the previous one and I called Lisa . Lisa came down and took over the night watch . About an hour later she called me … he 'd had another four , all the same . We decided to give him a half shot of Diazepam , to try get him off to sleep . The seizures were striking just as he was falling into a deep sleep , thus preventing him from falling into a deep sleep and so the cycle continues until you intervene . We all get the sensation from time to time when going from stage 1 sleep to stage 2 sleep , its like you 're falling off a cliff and you wake to stop yourself . When you suffer from epilepsy instead of waking , you have a seizure . Thankfully , on Saturday morning , these were small five - second frontal lobes unlike the full seizures of other nights . Was this another sign that the new med combination was working ? Unfortunately , you never know with epilepsy … Fred slept the night from then on . I woke about 7 . 30am and went straight down to see what was happening . As always , I feared the worst but thankfully he was still in a deep sleep with Lisa dozing beside him . About 9am , we went downstairs and I went to get the breakfast . Fred wanted to help but Lisa and I were still unsure of his stability but he was having none of it . As he got up of the couch I took his arm to try hold him back but his legs went from under him , another five - second seizure . He looked at me in fear and began to cry , the fight upset him , as did the fall to the ground . Thankfully , he hadn 't been in kitchen turning the rashers … just shows how careful we have to be with him . Ruby had Tara staying over and the two went into town shopping after breakfast . The ladies who shop and lunch then headed off to Dingle on the 4pm bus , probably good for us all to have a break . Certainly , mother and daughter had a good old set - to before Ruby left the house . Probably all about nothing and after apologies for things said , Ruby went off . Freddie and I did the sensible thing and stayed in the front room … " oh the noise " Fred said at one stage … . The big present for Freddie from Santa was a new portable DVD player . He 's had a few over the years , all did their service but the last one didn 't last kissing time . As a result , he 'd been using my laptop for the last couple of months as we waited for the big man to deliver a smashing present . I 'm not sure where Santa is getting his gear from these days but the DVD player kept on defaulting to French … We were going for a blood level check at the hospital so even though Freddie woke as usual at 8am we didn 't give his meds … he 'd had a tiny frontal lobe seizure about 6 . 30am , so small I wasn 't even sure if he 'd had it or not . Ruby was off school , sick , mara dhea , but I was happy not to have to drive to Dingle for a change . About 9am Lisa , Fred and I went down for breakfast , Ruby wasn 't to be seen till about noon . As soon as we were downstairs , Fred had a seizure on the couch . The usual minute long full - blown tonic clonic one . I knew it would happen , he just isn 't strong enough on his meds to miss a dose , even by an hour or so . This was the third time in the past week when he 'd had a seizure the morning of a planned blood test . The problem is that you can 't do a blood test until at least ten hours after a dose , which means missing that morning one . Anyway Lisa took over , gave him a shot of diazepam and we made him comfortable on the sofa . As I had a few jobs to do , I went off , leaving the two cuddled up on the couch . When I got back , Fred was sitting up having breakfast , as if nothing had happened . This blood level test is important , as we need to know where he 's at with the Tegretol and if he can go up to higher daily amount . If his level is too high then the step up wouldn 't be possible , a low one gave us a bit of room to play with . Then I had one of my smart ideas , why didn 't we go in that night and get the level taken at 7am in the hospital , saving us the journey and missed morning dose . A quick call to the Cashel ward and it was all arranged , once again they were being so understanding of us . For the rest of the day Freddie took it easy , I did my jobs , Ruby learned a lot about make - up from YouTube and we all waited for the trip over to the hospital at 6pm . On the way over at about 6pm , I decided to take a detour around town , to show Freddie the Christmas lights and decorated shops ofTralee . The little man hadn 't yet had the chance to see it all and in fairness , Traleedid a good job of it . Freddie loved the lights and all the decorations , so much so that I drove around for a second time … Such a sweet thing to say but it broke Lisa 's heart . It was just another reminder of the limited life he leads at the moment , that he can only get to see the lights on a trip to the hospital and then he is so grateful . Lisa was in tears holding the little man tightly in the back , pointing out bits as we drove past . At the hospital , I dropped the two at the door and went off to park the car . As I was schlepping back with the bags I had another good idea … as we were at the hospital and almost ten hours sine the morning dose maybe we could get the blood taken and go back home again … . On the ward Fred was settled in bed and the nurse was doing his obs . I suggested my great idea and the staff all agreed . When the doctor came up to take the blood , Angela the senior staff nurse came in to help . As usual , they found it difficult to find a vein but eventually the poor man got a flow . Angela had forgotten to bring in a vial and knocked on the ward window get the attention of the other nurses . All five at the desk jumped up in alarm and came running onto the ward , looking worried The next two days were wonderful reminders of what life can be like when the epilepsy leaves Fred alone . He was reading , writing , doing sums , drawing , colouring , speaking clearly and generally just wide - awake . For the first time he was talking about Christmas and how much he was looking forward to it . The clarity in his brain was making the idea of Christmas much clearer to him . Its such a pleasure when Fred has these clear days , reminds us of the great man he will be when all this is behind him . Lisa always cries a bit during these days as she sees his potential but knows it 's only a temporary reprieve … Thursday arrived and we were back to our version of normality . Fred woke with a small five - second seizure and spent the rest of the day as a shaking wreck . Every now and again he 'd have a frontal lobe seizure but most of the time he was sleeping or twitching . When Lisa came back from Dingle , Fred and I had just come downstairs . To get him down I 'd given him a piggy back , I was nervous about him falling over on the stairs . The man was in a daze all day . The ever - lovely Siobhan paid us a visit and though Fred was happy to see her , he didn 't pay her much attention . About five o ' clock the inevitable happened and in a way it was a relief . A full seizure broke through , a big , dirty , angry one . Fred shook and hollered his way through it and once it was over , he seemed at peace . Lisa gave him a shot of Diazepam and he slept for a while , waking for dinner , which was demolished with style . The rest of the evening we did our usual things , Fred and I went off to bed about eleven and after a few stories , he slipped off to sleep . Friday morning and I took Ruby off for her last day at school . Fred was in a deep sleep when I left and Lisa got in beside him to look after the man . This was to be Ruby and mine 's last trip to Dingle for the year , an end to our early mornings and car journeys for a couple of weeks . After dropping her at school , I headed off to do some shopping . When I parked up , I rang home , as per normal . Fred had woken up in a terrible state of jerks and jitters . To make things worse he had a couple of vomits as well . Lisa was really upset , as was I . She rang Pam the epilepsy nurse , to see what could be done . As usual , she wasn 't at her desk , she is the only one inCork , and I doubt she gets much chance to sit down . A few minutes later , my phone rang . It was Pam . She 's gotten Lisa 's message and was very concerned with what Lisa had said and at how upset she sounded . I added my tuppence worth of worry and filled her in on anything else I could think of as relevant . About twenty minutes later , I was in the bookshop , trying to find a present for myself , when my phone went again . Pam , again . She had spoken with Fred 's neurologist as a matter of urgency and Olivia wanted us to come up toCork . The worst weekend of the year to be going into hospital , especially as it was a bit of an open - ended invitation . We bough knew it was for the best , maybe get this current cycle of upset stopped in its tracks . " See you in a few hours , " I said , the tears beginning to come on . The last , last thing I wanted for our man was for him to be in hospital for Christmas . Especially after he was so much looking forward to it all . We set off in silence and in a couple of hours ; we were settled into the ward in CUH . By the time I arrived with his bags , Fred was ordering dinner from the catering lady . He wasn 't going to miss a dinner just because we weren 't at home . Soon Olivia arrived , a lot quicker than I had expected . She could see the state he was in and thought the jerks were predominantly on the right of his body . Another indicator that the misfiring neuron is on the left of his brain . She ordered a full set of bloods and laid out her plans for Fred . That evening he was to get a full IV shot of Lorazepam . This is the strong drug we get when in hospital , to stop the horrible clusters . If that didn 't stop the jerking , he was to get another dose Saturday night . She also wanted to prescribe him a drug called Clonazepam , a lighter version of Lorazepam , which we could give in tablet form at home , whenever the shakes kicked in . Her hope then was to leave us till Sunday , when she 'd be back on the wards , and review his situation . She had some good news though . The children 's epilepsy expert atTemple Streethospital and just emailed her that afternoon . He 'd reviewed the DVD of Fred 's case that Brian had sent him and believes that there is a case for surgery . In the new year , he wants Freddie to come up to Temple Street for more and more tests , to try tie down exactly where that fecking misfiring neuron actually is hiding . Also , he 'd found a tiny defect on an MRI scan , one not noticed before . More hope . A couple of minutes later my phone rang . Brian ringing to say he 'd gotten a call from the man inTemple Street , confirming what Olivia had just told us on the ward . The fact he 'd taken time to ring Brian at home on the Friday before Christmas makes me like the man already . Also he asked Brian for my number so he could talk with me in the New Year , which Brian had done but then asked if that was ok with me … knowing only too well that it was . Up early and into the Christmas shopping that I hadn 't yet done . By the time I was home , Ruby came in with her friend Tara . They had been at a youth club disco in Dingle Friday night and Ruby had stayed over inTara 's house . Tara 's Mum had dropped them off earlier but being the ladies that they are , they first went shopping inTralee . Tarawent off home and Ruby went for a shower . When she came down , I fed her , a BLT and hot chocolate with marshmallows . The poor child was wrecked after her night out . Soon after I headed off to CUH and left , her on the couch , laid out with remote and TV guide in her hands , lunch on her lap . At the hospital Fred was a bit of a wreck , the Lorazepam does that to him , but at least the shakes had stopped . Lisa headed off back toTraleeand the two men cuddled up in the bed . When Fred was having dinner , one of the nurses came in . As it was so quiet on the ward , a private room had opened up and if we wanted it , we could move in for the night . Too good an opportunity to turn down , so we took her up on the kind offer . Fred finished his dinner and I took the empty tray back to the dinner trolley in the corridor . This is a big Thomas the Tank engine on wheels with heated food compartments and slots for the empty trays . As I slotted Fred 's tray into the Thomas , I heard someone running behind me . I looked around and saw Fred running down the corridor . As he got near the tank engine , his legs started to go from under him . The Lorazepam wrecks his coordination . Down he went , just before the tank engine and slid head first into the guardrail that ran around it . Luckily , it was padded with hard plastic , double luckily that Fred lifted his head just on impact and his chest smacked into the trolley , not his face . It all happened in slow motion , something every nurse that came running said as well . As I peeled him off the rail I had visions of x - rays and broken chest bones , definitely no going home now , I thought . But the warrior that he is stood up , too brave in front of the onlookers to cry and shook himself down . The nurse took him to our new room , gave him the once over and declared him to be very lucky . The rest of the night went peacefully . Fred eventually went off the sleep about 10 . 30pm and I read for a while . At 11pm , I picked up the Prairie Home Companion Christmas show live fromNew York , via an app on my phone . I love this radio show and to get the live Christmas edition was a bit special . When it finished at 1am I really felt Christmas was upon us but doubly hoped that Freddie would be allowed home Sunday morning … To get ready for bed I headed off to the bathroom . Everything was peaceful and quiet on the ward , no noise except for the nurses filling out forms and kids sleeping . The lights were flashing on the trees and decorations were glittering . A lovely Christmas scene . Then outside the children 's ICU two parents were hugging , in floods of tears . Lisa rang first thing , checking on how we 'd gotten through the night . All clear I could report , thankfully . She headed off to do a few jobs before heading back up to us . About ten o ' clock I spotted the neurologist on the ward . At least we wouldn 't be hanging round all day waiting to hear if we could go home or not . By the time Lisa arrived in , about noon , Olivia still hadn 't gotten to us but soon afterwards , she was at the door . Now it 's Christmas Eve . The family are comfortable in our front room , waiting for Santa . Freddie is watching The Grinch , Ruby is watching YouTube videos and Lisa is under her blanket reading her Kindle … Another weekend and we 've got to Sunday evening . Freddie is sitting on the couch demolishing a plate of chicken , mashed potatoes , cauliflower cheese and fresh peas . Now he is stuffed , watching some old Mr Bean TV shows and I have my back to it . Ruby after demolishing a plate similar to Fred 's is on Facebook , tired after two days of shopping . Yesterday I took her , Hannah and Tara to the great city ofCorkto do some Christmas chopping and today Lisa took Ruby into Tralee for more of the same . Lisa also went and got the Christmas tree . Freddie has been on about getting it for the last month . For some reason or other we just didn 't get it yet , but I 'm one for just the week before , much to the kids displeasure . Also on the mind of Lisa and I is how Freddie collapsed in a heap when we were putting up the tree last year and spent a few days in hospital . Something we 're keen to avoid these days . Now when will we pluck up the courage to put it up and decorate it . The tree is ready and the decorations are in a box , we should get the two together by Wednesday . The week gone by has been much the same as previous ones . Even though we are seeing improvements in his awareness and interest in the world around him , Fred is still getting seizures . On Tuesday he was in great form , chatting , drawing and talking about friends he hadn 't seen for a while . When he was settling for sleep on the couch , he asked for a sip of my beer . A tradition now , when I open a beer he has the first sip . Something I too used to do with Dad 's bottles of Phoenix or Guinness back in the seventies . As he held the glass , he jerked or didn 't concentrate properly , both consequences of the meds , and spilled it on the blanket . With both parents giving out , he went to the corner and stood with one foot leaning on the other knee and his arm against the wall . A classic Freddie pose . After we cleaned up the mess , he settled into the crook of his mother 's arm … Lisa and I took him up to bed and as I go the bed ready , he went to the bathroom with Lisa . On his way to bed , I went to give him a cuddle and he fell into a seizure . Lisa cared for him on the carpet and when it was all over , we put him into the bed . We gave him a shot of diazepam and I left the two to settle in for the night . On my way to bed , I looked in on the two , Freddie was awake . Sometimes he has a remarkable tolerance of medicines , the diazepam should knock a horse but Fred was having none of it . I kissed him goodnight and headed off to the spare room . The rest of the week went ok , he was having little frontal lobe seizures , five second ones every now and again but nothing too much . It just happened that the day he was due to go to the hospital , Wednesday , for blood levels on the Tegretol , he got sick . So the appointment was put off till Friday . Friday morning and Lisa is with Fred in bed . Ruby wasn 't up for school , sometimes all the driving to and fro is just too much and we take a day off . Suited me perfectly , with my course starting at 9am , Friday is a busy day for me . The luxury of being able to have a coffee without having to rush , was much appreciated . Lisa and I were relaxing and chatting when suddenly Freddie went into a seizure . The usual one minute one , but a seizure nonetheless . Lisa comforted him , settled him on the pillow and gave him a shot of Diazepam . This time he rolled over and fell back asleep . He 'd had a tiny one with me about 6 . 30am but we didn 't think much of that . Plus as he was going over to the hospital for blood levels we 'd held off on giving him his medicines . Maybe we should have been extra careful and given the meds but we do need to get the levels taken so we know where we are with his daily dose . It has to be at least twelve hours since a dose before you take the blood sample . As a result we still don 't know if he 's ok on the current dose or if he could take an increase . Lisa and I both feel that an increase might stop the current cycle of every couple of days , I 'd take once a week at the moment . The problem is that you can 't increase the dose without checking how the liver is processing the current one . A little too much can stop the whole thing working properly causing all sorts of problems . On Friday evening Ruby had the two , Hannah and Tara over for a sleepover , part of the whole trip to the real capital . After feeding the hungry teens , I went to meet my fellow students for an end of term pint . This was the first time I 'd been out for a pint for a long time , first inTraleesince we moved here eighteen months ago . The company was great but I couldn 't relax , all around me were people drinking and having fun . All I could think of what could be happening at home . I kept checking my phone in case I missed a call or text . This epilepsy has us living on our nerves night and day . Much and all as I wanted a pint , I only risked a non - alcoholic Becks , I just couldn 't let myself have anything stronger … Now after a weekend of travelling to Cork , leaving my darling daughter free on the poor shopkeepers of that fair city , its Sunday and we 're settling into an evening of relaxing . Freddie is now reading some story books Lisa got for him . Its lovely to listen to hear him read out loud , pride in his achievements , looking at me from time to time to check if I 'm listening and to see my approval . Sunday evening in Ballyard . Ruby is on the couch , texting , on her laptop and watching the X - Factor . Who said she wasn 't a multi - talented child ? Her mother , looking effortlessly beautiful is lying out on the other couch and Freddie is just drifting off to sleep . The poor little wonderful man has just put down another tough week . After nearly eight months without a serious seizure cluster one struck this week . When he 'd had a good ten days seizure free I thought he might be heading into a good stretch . No such luck . . . On Monday he was in great form . Doing his homework , laughing and joking being just like the little boy we know he can be , if given the chance . About two o ' clock I went up to my office to do some work . As I was settling down , I heard that horrible , horrible sound of Freddie in a seizure . Even though I was two floors up , the high - pitched scream of the fright he gets , made its way up to me . By the time I got downstairs Lisa was with him , taking care if him . The little man had just been starting his lunch ; he 'd hardly had a bite when the epilepsy struck . A full - blown , minute and a half long seizure . Lisa gave Fred a shot of Diazepam and I tidied up around him . The two settled in on the couch and I went back upstairs to try do some work . Nothing too unusual for us , Fred had had a few days seizure free but now was back in it . When I came down again about an hour later Freddie had just had another small five - second frontal lobe seizure . Again , nothing we weren 't used to lately . About 4 O ' clock , he had another full seizure , 90 seconds long . This was something that hadn 't happened for a while , it didn 't look good . Before I went to collect Ruby at 5 O ' clock Fred had another full seizure , three big ones in three hours is not good . Just after I got back with Ruby , another big one broke through . As you can only give Diazepam once every 8 hours , we were stuck . We had to go to the hospital , for the first time in seven months we would have to take Freddie in because of a seizure cluster . The disappointment was massive for the Lisa and me . Lisa quickly threw a few things into a bag and we bundled Freddie out to the car . Last winter Lisa had a bag permanently packed and ready for the hospital . One thing I didn 't miss was seeing that in the spare room . This was also our first time since moving to Ballyard . With Lisa and Freddie in the back I drove over to KGH , Fred fairly knocked out in the back . I dropped them at the entrance to the A & E and went off to park the car . By the time I got back and into the resuss room , the doctor was working on Freddie . He 'd had another seizure , another full blown one . Why was this happening again ? Lisa and I could only think that maybe the levels of Tegretol had continued to slide after his appendicitis and days of being toxic . The doctor was trying to find a vein , so he could take blood and put a line in . Not an easy job with Fred 's hard to find veins . With much patience , he managed it . With Freddie and Lisa someway comfortable , I went home to feed Ruby and get things we 'd forgotten on the rush out the door , like Freddie 's glasses . On the way back over Lisa texted me to say they were heading up to the ward . Once I got there , I rushed up the stairs and into the ward . The nurses , though glad to see me , were surprised , as Freddie hadn 't come up yet . I dropped the stuff by his bed and went off to find them . After about ten minutes waiting by the lifts there was no sign of them . Down I went to the A & E and found them in the corridor . Freddie had had another seizure and they had given him Lorazepam . The drug that stops the seizures in their track but is so strong he has to get it via IV . Now he was totally zonked . The porter wheeled him up to the ward and we settled in for the evening . Remarkably , Freddie woke up for a while but was totally spaced . I 'd forgotten how Lorazepam affects him , ruins him really but at times he has to have it . Seven months without it was a great run . Now Lisa and I were fretting over why we were back in hospital , back to last winter 's situation . The last thing we wanted was to be back to going in every week , Freddie getting big doses of Lorazepam to try to stop the seizures . It must have something to do with his blood level dropping due to the interruptions of the previous week , we both thought and hoped . About nine o ' clock Lisa sent me home to look after Ruby . I kissed my little man ; he tried to say good night but just couldn 't get the words out . As I walked back to the car I was really down , really upset at being back to this again . Back home I texted Lisa and the news coming back was that he was settling and falling into a deep sleep . A relief , at least the Lorazepam was working … In the morning , I drove Ruby out to Dingle and immediately headed back to the hospital . The two had had a quiet night and Freddie was still dozing when I arrived in . The doctors had taken a blood sample to test for the levels of Tegretol and Lisa was waiting for the result . We had coffee and scones on the bed , just like so many mornings last winter . When Fred woke up he wasn 't hungry and he couldn 't talk , the usual after a shot of Lorazepam . He watched a DVD for a while but soon was back asleep . The levels came back at 41 , a drop from the 56 they had been at but still a good level . The feeling was that all he had been through the previous week was affecting its effectiveness . The neurology team inCorkfelt the same but recommended we go up half a tablet more in the evenings . Fred was too wrecked to go home Tuesday but when I came in early Wednesday morning he was sitting up , watching a DVD and hungry . He was getting back to some sort of normality . The doctor was happy for us to go home and Fred walked out as if nothing had ever happened . What a man ! Back home I went back to my office to try catch up on my work , at almost the same time as I 'd tried to do the same on Monday . This time there wasn 't any interruption . Five o ' clock on Friday morning a seizure broke through . Just a small one , but one that woke me , nonetheless . I don 't think I could sleep through one anyway , the slightest twitch from the man and I 'm awake . Lisa gave him a shot of Diazepam and took over watch , as I was taking Ruby to school , she sent me downstairs to sleep . Not that I got much , I was worrying so much , every noise had me on alert , waiting for Lisa to call me . By the time we headed off at 7 . 30am Freddie was doing fine , fast asleep and no sign of a seizure . Throughout the morning , I rang home but all was fine , he had the odd small frontal lobe seizure , but no major breakthroughs . Maybe the Tegretol was beginning to work again . Who knows ? Sunday afternoon , a week and a day since the operation and things are heading back to normal . Whatever passes for normal round here . . . Freddie and I are watching The Santa Clause a favourite movie of mine . We watched it last night and loved it so much we 're watching again this afternoon . It 's great when your kids like the films you like , even if its just a feel - good Christmas one . At one stage , he was laughing so much I thought the wound would burst open . He 's inherited a love of slapstick from me , something I in turn inherited from my father . From what my father told me of his parents , I don 't think a sense of fun was their thing . Reared in the Victorian era struggle and strife was more their thing , no time for slapstick . Last Sunday Freddie was very tired , not surprising after the Friday and Saturday he 'd put down . When I left on Sunday evening he hadn 't woken much during the day , he just lay on the bed , getting the odd swab of water on his lips . About 8pm I went home to look after Ruby , leaving Lisa to care for Freddie . Lisa has an incredible ability to keep going on very little sleep , just cups of tea and the odd biscuit . Sleep in the hospital , especially last weekend , is only by lying across the end of the bed . They do provide a camp bed for parents but I think Lisa just wants to be as close to her little boy as possible . When I came back in Monday morning , about ten o ' clock after dropping Ruby to school , he was still the same . Completely zonked , his eyes were rolled up into his head , we couldn 't rouse him . The nurses came in and tried as well . No luck . They were concerned , as Fred should have been someway awake by that stage . The doctors felt the same , even though the surgeon was happy that the wound was healthy . The team on the ward however ordered a full set of blood tests . The fear of infection was high , due to the necrotic appendix and all our worst fears were running through our heads . The Halapannaver case was also there … not negligence just the fear of septicaemia The blood tests came back clear . Which of course was a major relief but didn 't explain why Freddie was so wrecked ? He tried waking a few times , at least we managed to wake him , but he couldn 't stay awake for long . Lisa and I wondered if his Tegretol levels were ok . The liver needs to process a certain amount of the drug per day . Ironically , he had been due to go in for a blood level check the Friday we rushed him to hospital . Blood levels show how much of a drug is in the system , they should be around a certain therapeutic mark , the point at which too much is a long - term danger . By now , we were frantic . Our boy was a wreck , knocked out and not responding to anything . I bit him hard on the arm , not a flinch . Then I tried the ear , he turned away from me , nothing else . That sick feeling in my stomach came back , the one that had been there Saturday evening . Something was up , something wasn 't right . I had been looking forward to spending the day with Freddie , him watching a DVD , me reading the paper . Manon , one of the doctors came in . He 'd been on to the epilepsy team at CUH and they asked for a blood level on his Tegretol to be done . Due to the operation , his levels could be up as the liver function might slow or possibly one of the three antibiotics he was on was interfering someway . They took more blood . We had to wait for a while for the levels to be done . In the meantime , we tried waking Freddie but no joy . He 'd rouse slightly but drop off again . It was really upsetting . When he had to go to the toilet , we 'd almost have to drag him across to the bathroom . The surgeon wanted Freddie moving as it lessens the chances of infection . The levels came back . They were at 90 per 1000 of blood . The usual level was 40 . The highest the neurologist was looking for was around 46 . No wonder Freddie was in such a state . The advice from CUH was to stop the Tegretol , to bring down the blood level of the drug . This we did and subsequent tests saw the levels drop , a bit at a time . Tuesday saw Freddie a bit better . He sat up a bit , watched a DVD and still slept a lot . By Wednesday , he 'd improved greatly by when I came in early in the morning . The blood levels had dropped again . By this stage poor Freddie was like a pincushion , he 'd had so many needles in him . To add to Fred 's complications its very hard to find a vein on him that gives blood easily . Every time he needs a blood sample they have to prick and prod at the little man till they find a flow . One of the doctors on Tuesday had to take blood from between Fred 's fingers as all other veins had dried up . Wednesday evening and the Freddie was out of the woods . He was off the antibiotics and the painkillers . The nurses were not worried about him anymore and moved us to a room away from their station . Its always a good sign when they don 't think you need constant observation . I stayed with Freddie that night , the two men keeping the nurses entertained . About eleven o ' clock Freddie wanted water and the two of us walked down to the nurses station . Fred leaned against the desk , one hand holding the wound , the other holding up his water jug . It was like a hospital scene from a war movie . Nurse Angie broke into a big smile , took the jug and sent us back to bed . A lovely cold jug was delivered within minutes . Thursday morning and they sent us home . Such a turnaround . Less than week since we 'd rushed in , gone through hell , and the little man was deemed good for road . Being at home again was wonderful . We quickly settled into routine and got life back on an even keel . Fred had to go in to hospital again on Friday morning to have his stitches taken out and have yet another blood test . They were down to 56 this time .
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# 212 My wife 's grandmother is 95 . Not 75 . Not 85 . Ninety - five ! And she drives . And golfs . And exercises four days a week . And remembers everything . And kicks butt in bridge . And looks radiant . Her secret : A deep love of gangsta rap . My wife 's grandmother was unlike any elderly person I 'd ever met . Hard - nosed , confident , decisive , opinionated . My grandmas were soft and cuddly and smelled of toast and chocolate . But here was Norma Shapiro the first time I laid eyes upon her , charging across a New York City street carrying two large bags . Shortly before I proposed to Catherine , Norma sat across from me in a restaurant and asked , bluntly , " What are your intentions ? " One time we randomly ran into her at a furniture store - where she was seeking out ideas for our dresser . About two years into my marriage , Norma and I engaged in a heated phone conversation that I truly believed killed our relationship . But here we are , in 2015 , and I consider Norma to be both an ideal fill - in for my late grandparents ( all of whom I miss dearly ) and a true friend . She 's an amazing conversationalist , a terrific dinner companion and an unrivaled great - grandmother to my son and daughter ( they call her " Grammie " ) . There are few people I love more - age be damned . Anyhow , with her appearance today Norma Shapiro becomes the oldest ( age : 95 ) and coolest figure to grace the series . She explains the keys to a long life ( pure luck and good genes ) , the secrets to surviving a resort fire and the impact of losing a child . You can 't follow Norma on Twitter or Facebook , because she 'd rather sit down and chat over a cup o ' tea . But if you 're ever in town , give her a ring . NORMA SHAPIRO : Well , I think the fact that I 'm of a certain age , that people respect my opinion . However , I didn 't tell my age most of the time - almost all of the time - because I didn 't look my age . And I felt people respected what I said because of the person I am . They respect what I say because of me , and it had nothing to do with my age . The reason I didn 't tell my age is because I felt people wouldn 't want to be so socially friendly . N . S . : It mostly happened when I was very much older . People generally don 't want to socialize with a 90 - year old . And I didn 't look my age , so people didn 't know how old I was . So I thought it better not to say anything . N . S . : I didn 't think of it . But when I was younger there were not many 90s around . When I was younger and someone died they were 80 , 85 and you 'd think , " Well , they lived a nice long life . " But people live longer now . J . P . : It seems like getting older comes with interesting complications . On the one hand everyone is dazzled by your age and health , and yet you see people dying around you nonstop . You 're basically outliving your generation . So is that more positive , or more negative ? More , " This is great ! " or more , " I can 't believe this person had a stroke ? " N . S . : I think it 's remarkable I 've lived this long in good health . But it 's difficult to watch others age , and it makes me think I 'm more unusual to be at this age . And I don 't really feel this age . J . P . : It seems people don 't understand aging . People think if someone who 's 95 is telling a childhood story , it must feel like a black - and - white image for a million years ago . But it 's not , right ? The stories seem fresh ? N . S . : Right . They do seem fresh . My mind is very sharp and my memory is unusually sharp . I rarely forget anything I want to remember . If I want to remember it , I remember it . Even things that aren 't so important , I remember . N . S . : I think so . I can 't think of anything I 've really done to live to this age and keep this health and have my mind keen . Just luck of the draw . N . S . : Their names were Leah and Harry . We lived in Brooklyn , at 4334 Avenue I . I remember the house . I lived there until I got married . My father was in the steel business , and my mother was a stay - at - home mother , but she was really not much of a stay - at - home type . She was always there for the children , but she was very active in charity . And she was one of the only women in her time who drove her own car and went to her charities . I remember my mother driving home at the same time as my father . She was always busy with her charities . We had very good help when my sister Myra was born and I was about 7 . I actually almost mothered my sister . I took care of her a lot . N . S . : My parents didn 't think I was that attractive . They thought I was bright but they didn 't think I was that attractive . I got that impression . My brother Noel was very handsome and my sister Myra was very adorable . She was younger and very cute and she had dimples . But they never said anything about me . It hurt later on in life . They knew this family of professional people . They were all dentists well thought of in the community . And my aunt knew them and they sent me in to have my teeth cleaned . And the man who would be my husband thought my legs were very beautiful . When I walked out of the office he said to himself , " Those legs will belong to me someday . " I was in college already at Adelphi . Because I graduated high school when I was 16 ½ . So I was a college freshman when I met him . Then I became engaged in a few months . Those days you didn 't go together for so long because you didn 't live together . N . S . : I think so . They sent me there to get my teeth cleaned and they were very impressed with my mouth because I have something very rare to be born with - something called balanced occlusion . Which means no matter how you move your jaw , all 32 teeth touch at the same time . That was very rare , and my father in law was very impressed by it . He had a machine he invented , and he had some very prominent dentists look . They said , " That 's not a normal mouth . " But the truth of the matter is , I have all my original teeth at this age . N . S . : He was 30 and I was 17 when I met him . It 's a very huge age gap . I had never been out on dates . I think I was out on one date . I 'd never kissed a boy . N . S . : My parents didn 't make me do it . But they did everything they could to encourage it . As an engagement gift my father bought Leo a Chevrolet . It about $ 700 - in those days that was a fortune . He didn 't have his own car , so my father bought him a car as an engagement gift . And his parents gave me a beautiful diamond pin . And my parents made this huge wedding for 300 people . N . S . : I didn 't think about it . It didn 't enter my thoughts . In those days you got married young anyway . Not that young , but people married young . If you were waiting until 29 or 30 , you 're old . No , you got married young . Nineteen , 20 . Most people did . It was more or less expected . And I took marriage as a serious responsibility . My husband had to build a practice . Now you practice with a lot of people . Back then you had to socialize to build the practice , and I worked really hard doing it . I joined organizations where I was the youngest person they ever had in the organization . I was a kid , and they were all established . I joined charitable organizations , the temple . I learned how to cook and entertain , and I really built the practice by doing that . J . P . : Are you not the kind of person who was ever like , " How did my life get here ? " Does your brain not work that way ? Were you never shocked or confused ? N . S . : [ Long pause ] . I was happy . By nature , I 'm happy . And I know it 's the strongest instinct within me - being a mother . So I was very happy being a mother . I was 21 when my son Richard was born . N . S . : I think I was in Brooklyn Jewish Hospital . And I had a very , very , very bad time . Oh , it was like 42 hours of labor . And the truth of the matter is they should have done a Caesarean , and by the time they realized that it was too late . He was an 8 ½ - poind baby . He was a very beautiful child and it was fine , and I loved being a mother . Just loved it . The maternal instinct was strong . N . S . : The first time I didn 't . The second , I was desperate - just desperate - to have a girl . If it had been a boy , I would have kept trying . I had to have a daughter . I was very close to my mother , and I just needed a daughter . So when she came out , I didn 't believe it . They said , " Mrs . Stoll , you have a little girl . " I said , " Are you sure ? Are you sure ? " I really didn 't believe it . In those days you never knew in advance . N . S . : No . But I didn 't even drive when we were married . Remember , I wasn 't 18 . And then when I was desperate to drive my husband was teaching me and every time I wanted him to teach me he was busy . So one day I was really angry and I took the car and drove off . He saw it and he ran out with his dental coat on after me . I said , " If you don 't teach me I 'm gonna do it again . " He taught me and I got my license . It was very important to me . My mother drove a car , which was unusual in those days . I was a little kid when my mom drove her own car . No women drove their own cars . N . S . : Oh , I did everything . Not merely billing . Almost everything I did was to make it easy for my husband . I shoveled the snow because I was afraid he 'd have a heart attack . I was afraid if he got a heart attack he couldn 't practice , so I shoveled the snow . I did a lot of things . Everything I did was behind the scenes so that no one would know . Because I had to protect his image of success . N . S . : He was not a very overly ambitious type of person . He was a very skilled dentist . I would say he was an excellent dentist . But a good businessman ? No . He would just as soon do it for nothing . He was not financially at all attuned to the world . J . P . : So you were pushed to get married . Did you love him at the time ? Did you learn to love him ? Does that even matter ? N . S . : Of course it matters . I mean , I thought I loved him . And I guess I did . But I was a child when I got married and as I developed as a person he was not the person I would have married . That doesn 't mean I didn 't respect him or didn 't like him . It doesn 't mean that at all . But he was not the person I would have married . I would have married someone who had more ambition ; who was interested more in finance and doing well and making more money . But that doesn 't mean he wasn 't a very fine man , or that I disliked him as a person . It doesn 't mean that at all . N . S . : It was a very big factor . I was supposed to go to a sleep - away college . But first my father thought I was too young , so I traveled four hours per day to go to college . Two hours to get there , two hours home . First I got up and took the bus . At 7 in the morning in the cold waiting for the bus . That bus took me to the subway . Then there was a 20 - minute subway ride . Then there was the Long Island Railroad . And then I took the Long Island Railroad , and then I walked from the Long Island Railroad to the college . It was hard . But whatever my parents said , I did . I didn 't question . N . S . : He was a very nice guy in that he … he was a good provider , a good father and a nice guy . In his later years he had dementia and was difficult . He adored my mother , and the sun always set on her . She was very beautiful and very bright and very talented . Everyone adored her and thought well of her . And when she got sick he couldn 't handle her . Even before she died , when she was not well , she couldn 't do the things he needed to do . She was more educated than he was . He was smarter . She was really , really smart . She was behind him all the time . You know , a successful man has a woman pushing him . N . S . : I have to tell you - I was trained through life that I wasn 't beautiful . In the twilight of my life , almost on a daily basis , and I 'm not exaggerating , almost daily somebody will say to me , " You 're very beautiful " or " You 're so pretty . " Daily . Either at a bridge club , on the bus . It doesn 't matter where I go . I hear it every day . N . S . : Every time I hear it I think about what I went through . I remember during the war when my husband was overseas and I had to live with my parents , my mother bought me a dress . She was looking at it on me , and she said , " You know , Myra is taller and the dress is too long - waisted on you . " I started to cry , and I said , " That 's the last time you 're going to tell me something looks better on Myra . " She said , " But you 're the smartest of my children . " I said , " I don 't want to be smart , I just want to be pretty . " I remember the words distinctly . And my mother felt so bad that when I was president of a charitable organization she was the installing organization and she said , " When Norma was born the sun rose and set " because she was so proud . But she felt so bad about what she said . She didn 't say those things to be mean . But even other people that came , " Oh , Myra , you 're so beautiful . Where did you get those dimples ? " She was adorable , my brother was very handsome . Nobody said anything about me . But before I go to sleep for good , everybody tells me . N . S . : No . My job in those days was to build my husband 's practice . And I worked really , really hard to do it . I had constant dinner parties , I joined every organization . The truth is , that 's what his practice was built on . N . S . : I don 't know if he was fully aware of all I did . But that was my job . As soon as I got married , I knew that was my job . If I had to live my life over again , I wouldn 't do that . I would want to develop myself as a person and explore life . I would want to explore more of life . We didn 't travel very much . We were comfortable , but not wealthy . I think I went to Europe once when I was married to him . Summer vacations , we went to the beach . The kids went to camp . We had a cabana at the beach . But we didn 't go away . N . S . : I think it was easier living . Look , there are always hard times . I lived through the war with rationing - gas rationing , food rationing . But now young people are living through terrorism . I think these are hard times . I don 't know how young people feel about it , but I feel it 's tough now . And scary . I think the fact we have people in Iraq , the weapons with Iran . And I like Obama , but I don 't like what he 's doing with Iran . It scares me . You 're dealing with horrible people and I think we 're in bad times . I remember the war and rationing and all that , but you knew we would win the war . We were a powerful country and you looked forward to winning . I don 't see that now . N . S . : I think they 're wonderful things . I don 't use them . I think some of the stuff is terrific . I do think there are things , because we have all these wonderful things , I think some of the art of niceties of living is lost . N . S . : I think the art of conversation is lost . I think people are very much attuned to their iPhones and so forth and texting . Because there 's so much texting people hardly call and talk on the phone . And I think the art of conversation , the art of being in contact with someone on a real - life basis instead of all these instruments , I think that 's definitely lost . I think the art of handwriting , penmanship is lost completely . I think the art of letter writing is a terrible loss because those things really can be precious in our lifetime . I kept letters that were written 50 , 60 years ago . I still have them , and they were really very precious . I kept letters that my daughter wrote on her honeymoon . Even letters my that my son in law wrote . And he 's not a very verbal person . But he did write me a very special letter while he was on his honeymoon . You won 't have that in years to come . I saved the letter my brother wrote to my parents about 60 , 70 years ago , and I gave it to him and he was shocked I had it . And I remarked on how beautiful his penmanship was . You see men now , you can 't even read their handwriting . Men and women and children . Children are not even taught penmanship . Which I think is terrible . N . S . : I think it 's terribly , terribly rude . I really do . Terribly rude . And I think some families , within the same house , they 're texting back and forth . How sad that is . It 's a big loss . I think some of these things are wonderful , but a lot is lost . J . P . : So I showed you the different Q & As I did , and one involved a woman dying of cancer . And you lost your son Dick to cancer . How , as a mother , do you overcome that ? Do you ever ? N . S . : No . It 's out of the sequence of life . You don 't live to bury a child . It can be the birth parent has to go , a spouse has to go . A spouse can be replaced - a spouse can pass away and you meet someone else and live a happy life . I did . But a child is irreplaceable . A part of you is gone and it is never coming back . [ She starts crying ] . N . S . : In the early part , you have to try and be strong for the other people who are suffering . And so you try and be strong for them and then you gradually have to keep yourself very busy and try to live a life because people who are living really have to live . In my case I had just married my husband Phil , and he really wanted to live . It was hard to punish him with my sadness . I had to do things to keep him happy because it wasn 't his loss and it wasn 't fair to make him suffer like that . He wanted to live and enjoy life . I always thought God gave me this man and this marriage to help me through it . I don 't think I could have made it . N . S . : Not publicly . I never grieved publicly . Because you know what - people do not want to listen to your sorrow . Most people want to be amongst people who are chipper , happy , and most do not want to be around someone who is sad or unhappy . People are that way . And in a way , they can 't feel your pain . So you have to keep it more or less to yourself really . N . S . : He was a very special person . He was tall , handsome , very ambitious . And became quite successful with his own self . No one helped him and he really got there . He was going to be president of the company all on his own . He didn 't have help from anyone . And he was really close to me . He adored me like I adored him . And when he first got out of college and he lived at home I told him he had to pay rent . He couldn 't get over that . My theory was that someday he would be married and he 'd have to pay rent and he 'd have to pay expenses . And he may as well not live for free . So I charged him rent . He had a very minimal salary and I charged him a minimal rent . And every week he came home with his check and he 'd come to me and say , " Sigh - here 's your rent money . " He would do it teasingly . And he would say , " What are you doing with the rent money ? Going to Loehmann 's to buy yourself a new dress ? " And every time he got a raise in salary I raised the rent . After a while he said to me , " You know what ? You keep raising the rent , I think I 'll move to New York . " I said - " Fine . " N . S . : In the beginning he was making $ 100 a week . I charged him $ 10 . Every time he got a raise I raised the rent . The end of the story - when he was getting married , the night before the wedding we had the prenuptial dinner I gave him the check with all the rent money he 'd paid me . I saved it . He said he thought I was doing that all along . I gave him the check for the rent money . It was quite a bit of money . We had an extremely close relationship . Very unusual for a mother and son . He called me every single day of his life . Even after his marriage . He was an exceptionally devoted son and a very devoted brother to Laura . I drove him hard with love . His father was very , very easygoing on the kids . Never disciplined them at all . I was the disciplinarian for both of them , but they knew I did it with love . His father did not . Because of that , they both had greater respect for me . I drove a hard bargain , but they knew . So I remember distinctly once when he got a very big raise and a promotion , and he was taking the Long Island Railroad and he was excited , and he called from the station . His father answered and he said , " Let me speak to mother . " He was that close to me . He knew I drove him hard . He was not easy to bring up because I always felt he should study more and work harder . One time I locked up the television . Television was very new at the time . He spent the whole night while I was gone picking the lock . But everything I did was for his good , and he knew it . So they didn 't resent me . They acted like they resented me , but they did not . N . S . : A pain that he didn 't see them . That he didn 't see his children grow up and he didn 't see his grandchildren and he missed a lot . Really , he missed all of this because of smoking . He died of lung cancer . He had a cough when he was in his 20s , 30s . And his uncles were all doctors and they told him his lungs were like a man of 60 . Everyone begged him to give up smoking . At one time when he was in college he wanted a car . My father offered him a car if he quit smoking , and he did , he got the car and not long after he smoked again . His smoking just killed him . It doesn 't kill everybody at that age , but it killed him . Everyone has a weakness . That was his weakness . And it killed him . N . S . : I don 't think of him every day . But a lot of things set me off . If I see a mother playing golf with her son , I think how excited he would be if he knew I played golf . I know when he sees me playing up there … I didn 't play at the time he was alive . But he would be so excited . I played bridge with him . He always teased me about my age , because he knew I never wanted him to tell . So he would always joke about it . N . S . : I was gay and I came out ! No one ever knew my age , and I didn 't want a party , didn 't want a party , didn 't want a party . And Laura said , " It won 't be a birthday party , just a celebration . There will be no singing " Happy Birthday , " there will be no birthday cake . She talked me into it . And the invitations came out and all they said was , " Celebrating Norma . " But soon a few people found out , and then 150 people found out . N . S . : At first I was upset , but now it 's almost an excitement . Because I was a celebrity at my club before , I 'm more of a celebrity . They treat me like an oddity of nature ; something that 's a freak of nature . People look at me every day with awe . In a way now , I 'm OK with it . Even though they know my age now , I 'm OK with it . Because I 'm a phenomenon right now . N . S . : Yes you can . Actually , if you had asked me previous to this I would have said no . But I got used to the number 95 . I don 't feel 95 . I feel as young as you do . I don 't feel any different than you do . That this will last - I don 't know . But I hope it will last a while . N . S . : I don 't want to be sick . I hope I don 't have any serious ailments , and I just go to sleep and don 't wake up . Just because they say old generals never die , they just fade away . Maybe that will happen to me . I 'll just fade away . What I do worry about is the world and my grandchildren and great grandchildren . I do think a lot about what they have . I worry that it 's a tough world , and I worry about the world in general they 're living in . With the Middle East and the bombs and … I worry about the life they have to lead . I think about that . For me , it 's over . But what they have to look forward to - I hope it 's good times . But I don 't know . N . S . : I can 't think about that . I don 't know . Look , I 'll be looking down at you and seeing that you behave . [ LAUGHS ] I don 't know . Right now I 'm just happy I get up every day . I think how lucky I am that I can get up , drive myself where I want , go where I want , do what I want . The main thing I think of is I want to be able to take care of myself . I 'm very independent , and it 's important to me to take care of myself . N . S . : I wouldn 't be happy . I 'm not sure I could live in an assisted living facility . I might just have to stay home with help . That could be very lonely . Because a lot of people my vintage are going . A lot have gone already . I now have friends who are much younger than me . I don 't have any friends my age . No , I don 't . I have some who are maybe 90 , but not 95 . N . S . : The first two are true . But I don 't think that contributed to my longevity . I just think it 's the luck of the draw . The genes were right and my sister Myra died at a young age , around 80 , but she was a very heavy smoker . My brother Noel is 94 . He was 13 months younger than me . My mother did not want him . She actually had lost a child before me during the war . She was very ill . The child hadn 't been born . They had to take the child from her . N . S . : No . I lived with polio with a fire and my children . That was very bad . That year polio was very prevalent and they said people who could get out of the city should . So I took a place in the summer in the Catskill Mountains at a country club . With my kids . And my husband Leo was working but he 'd come up every weekend . We were there and one night my parents came up on a Thursday for the weekend with my husband and with Myra 's husband . And we put the kids to bed , it was very hot , you didn 't have air conditioning . The kids were in the room sleeping and we were having tea and cake . We went to bed . And then all of a sudden , Dick had a habit of sleepwalking . I get to the room and he 's not in the room . And I was hysterical . I thought maybe he was sleepwalking down to the lake and he drowned . So happens they found him in another person 's room . So I barely got to sleep when two in the morning I heard , " Fire ! Fire ! " And so we had to run . My sister , she was able to go down the stairs with her husband and the baby . By the time I got to the stairs there was too much smoke . So we had to go the fire escape . Leo is carrying Laura , who is a little kid . And I 'm going down the stairs with Dick . I didn 't know what to grab . We had no clothes and it was a hot night . There was something I grabbed , and it was the sheets Myra 's baby had thrown up in . That 's what I was carrying down the fire escape . And when we got down my parents were hysterical because we weren 't down as fast as Myra . And the fire went down with everything I possessed . I was there for the summer . Anyway , we got back to New York with no clothes , a hot summer . I had a lot of trouble finding clothes in the stores for the kids . We went to another country place , and Dick had terrible nightmares about the fire . He would scream a lot . That was the worst . N . S . : Everybody was . Everybody . It was really bad . My doctor 's wife got it . I knew several people who got it . It was a bad time . A really bad time . When people say these times are bad , we had bad times , too . N . S . : I was having breakfast with someone when it happened . That was terrible , because where I lived in Manhattan you could see what was going on . The Queensboro Bridge , I could see . And the people walking and walking . That 's why these times frighten me . You didn 't have this sort of thing . You didn 't have terrorism . Now it 's everywhere . And ISIS is a cancer . There 's no way to get rid of it . Back when I was younger I felt my country was the best . It could win a war , it could do everything . I 'm not so sure we 're top of the world now . I was sure my whole lifetime the United States of America was the best , and we could beat anyone . N . S . : I thought Franklin Roosevelt was wonderful . My parents thought he was a God . I thought he was a remarkable man . All the things he had to overcome . He did a lot for this country . J . P . : I have a good one for you - you were married to Leo for more than 30 years . Usually when people divorce it 's after , oh , five , six years . How did you decide you wanted something different ? N . S . : It 's not an easy decision . Leo was very much older than me . Age like that doesn 't matter so much when you 're very young . When you get older it matters a lot . He was very old and I was in my prime . It matters a lot . But I was very conscious I wanted the kids to get married and I wanted them to have a stable life . That was my primary thought about everything . As he got older we were not on the same wavelength about anything . First of all , he was an extremely heavy smoker . At least three packs per day . And he actually went into a tailspin when he tried to give up . They have to give him shots because he had tremors and couldn 't work for several months . And because he was a very oral person , he drank a lot . When he gave up smoking he drank a lot . He drank a lot before , but he had tolerance . As you get older you don 't tolerate it the same way . His body did not tolerate it . He would have a couple of drinks and he would fall asleep . He just wasn 't right . I couldn 't see myself the end of my life living this way . I was still young - 50 - something . Maybe 52 . And the kids were both married , and I felt I had done my share . Both my kids were married , both had children , both were on their feet . And I did something for myself . N . S . : It was very hard . More hard for me . I had nothing and no training of any kind . Never worked a day in my life , and I had to do something . I took a course , became a travel agent , got a job working for nothing so I could get experience . Then I decided I would sell real estate . I took the courses , started to sell real estate . And I did well . One of my first clients was Ben Gazzara , the actor . And I did well . Then I met Phil and I stopped doing that . I learned to do things and I had no experience doing anything . N . S . : Hugely so . I play bridge because it 's wonderful for my mind , I love it . I play at least four times a week . I love to play . It keeps my mind sharp - I have to remember cards , I have to remember a lot . And it fills three hours of time in the afternoon . I also go to the gym three - to - four times per week . I have a trainer , and he says I 'm the only one who goes in between sessions . By the time I come home I 've been out with people , working my mind , my day has been taken up . I come home , finish with the bills , letter writing . I read a book , I read the newspaper . Then I go to bed . • Who 's your favorite actor of all time ? : I loved Cary Grant . When I think of the actors of my day , they were so memorable . I don 't feel that way about the people today . I hardly remember the names of the ones I see now . • How do you feel about gay marriage ? : I feel fine with it . If that 's what they want to do , I have no objection . I have quite a few gay friends . I 'm very comfortable with gay people , I have them over for dinner , we socialize . If they want to be married , I completely support it . • What 's your favorite place in the world ? : I love Venice . It 's a very romantic spot . I loved Egypt . I thougt the antiquities were very memorable . I loved Israel . Wherever I went , I enjoyed . • What 's the most annoying characteristic a person can have ? : One of the things I always like to be is a good listener . And I will say that almost any time I 'm out with anyone , I always learn something . I don 't always use it right away , but it 's in my head and at some time it becomes useful . And it almost happens every time I 'm with someone . Including when I 'm with you . • Who 's our next president ? : At first I thought Hillary , but I 'm not sure . I think I would vote for her , but I did read a very unflattering article about her in Time . It was quite unflattering . • What 's the biggest mistake you 've made in life ? : There were some mistakes , but … I can 't even say my marriage was a mistake , because I was not unhappy for a lot of years and it produced two children I love . The one mistake is I married a very young age . That 's a mistake . But my marriage in general ? No . The mistake was being too young . • You 've lived a comfortable life , but you 'll still cross town with a 30 - cent coupon for the roast turkey . You could get the turkey down the street for only a bit more money - but you don 't . How do you explain that ? : I think I explain it from early in my life . For one thing , I didn 't have a lot when I got married . If I tell you I kept a budget on my honeymoon - I never told anyone that , but I 'm telling you . We just drove down to one of the mountains down on the east coast . Nothing really exciting . And I kept a budget - how much the gas cost and everything . Because when we married we had nothing . When I say nothing I mean nothing . But my parents always saw to it we had enough . For instance , my father would look at my bank account and if we were short he would put some money into it . But I always had to be thrifty . I was trained that way . And while my father was a very comfortable man , during the crash he paid off his mortgage . He was always very thrifty . But if you asked my father for $ 20 , 000 he 'd give it to you . But if you talked too long on the telephone , which in those days was expensive , he couldn 't stand it . I picked up those traits . Nice Quaz but I have say you are wrong about assisted living . . Norma is very fortunate to be so mobile with a lot of family and friends . Staying at home when they can 't get out is a huge mistake a lot of seniors make . Assisted living can provide companionship and transport out into the world . I read all the Quazzes , but this week I was kind of like , hmmm , his wife 's grandma … really ? … and it 's about a hundred miles long … nah . And then I read it and was fascinated . Nice job .
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Junior was a fourteen - year - old Spokane Indian , who lived on the Reservation with his family and was born " with water on the brain " , so he had to have a surgery when he was six months old . Due to this problem , he had suffered from other health problems : he had had ten teeth more than normal , but they were pulled out ; his eyesight was poor , so he had to wear glasses ; he had seizures and also stutter and lips . For all these reasons , he was considered a retard and retards got beaten up , so Junior belonged to the Black - Eye - of - the - Month Club . The only way to be safe was to stay at home to read and draw cartoons . Drawing made him feel important , it was also the only way he could maybe become rich and escape the reservation . Why chicken means so much to me There was one thing that his cartoons couldn 't do : alleviate his family 's poverty . His family often missed a meal , but Junior always hoped that , sooner or later , his parents would come through the door with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken . But hunger was not the worst thing of being poor , because the worst thing was not being able to help those he loved . His best friend Oscar , the family 's dog , got sick and for Junior he was better than any human he had known . To the question , if it was possible to carry him to the vet , his mum said , that they couldn 't afford to spend money . He wanted to hate his parents for this reason , but he also knew that he couldn 't blame them , because they had always been poor . He was sure , that if someone had paid attention to their dreams , his mum would have gone to college , while his father would have become a musician : but the reservation Indians didn 't allow them to make their dreams come true . Revenge is my middle name After Oscar had died , Junior wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear forever . Rowdy , his best human friend , talked him out . He spent most of his time with Junior , because his father was often drunk and punched him and his mother , but Rowdy never tried to hide his wounds . Also Junior 's parents were drunkards , but they were never mean and hit him . One night , there was a party called powwow and Rowdy wanted to go there . Junior not , he was afraid someone would pick him for being a retard , but at the end Rowdy convinced him to go . During the party , Rowdy bumped his face against a window and Junior began to laugh ; for this reason Rowdy got mad and almost kicked him . Rowdy began to smash windows , dent doors and knock off mirrors : Junior , who was scared of his vandalism , ran away . But he ran into one of the cruelest triplets of the world and they punched him . When Rowdy found this out , he wanted to revenge on them and cut off their braids : this was the worst thing you could do to an Indian guy . On the other side , Rowdy was not only good for revenge , but he loved comic books like Junior . Almost every day they met to read these comics and to make him laugh Junior drew many of them . They told each other everything , they were inseparable . Because Geometry is not a country somewhere near France On the first day of high school , Junior was happy , but he was especially excited about his first geometry class . His sister was the opposite : after high school she didn 't go to college , she didn 't do anything . She wasn 't excited about life , like Junior . Even if she was beautiful , strong and funny , she spent her days alone in a basement . The geometry teacher , Mr . P , was a ' weird - looking dude ' , who sometimes fell asleep during the lessons or even forgot to come to school . He passed out the books and on Junior 's book there was written : This book belonged to Agnes Adams , Junior 's mother . In that moment he realized , that the book was at least thirty years older than him and became horrified . Instinctively , he threw the book in Mr . P 's face . After he had smashed Mr . P in the face , he was suspended and his family was very disappointed in him . During his suspension , Mr . P came to visit him . At first , he asked the reason for throwing a book on him , but then he started to talk about Mary Runs Away , Junior 's sister . He said that she wanted to be a writer , but then something happened to her and she just stopped writing . Mr . P wanted something better for Junior , in fact the only thing that the reservation children were being taught was how to give up . All the rez people had given up , because they didn 't have hope . Mr . P didn 't want him to give up , so he told him , he had to leave the reservation and then he would find hope . After Mr . P had left , Junior thought for a long time about his life and when his parents got back home from work , he told them he wanted to change school . His parents suggested some schools , but he wanted to go to Reardan , located in a rich and white town exactly twenty - miles away from the rez . This was one of the best small schools in the state . They agreed very quickly , because they had always wanted a better to leave the rez . The day after he had decided to transfer , he wanted to tell Rowdy his plans . He knew that his comrade would get mad , in fact at first Rowdy didn 't take him seriously . Junior wanted Rowdy to come with him , but the latter hated that town . The reservation school had always lost the baseball games against Reardan and this made Rowdy furious . On the first day , Junior 's dad drove him to school . He gave him some money and they greeted each other . When Junior arrived , nobody was there . After a while , the white kids finally came and they just stared at him . There was also another Indian in town : the Reardan 's mascot . Junior entered the school and made his way to the front office . Then he got assigned to Mr . Grant for homeroom . He sat down and a girl named Penelope asked him his name . The teacher called him with his ' name name ' : Arnold Spirit . Penelope became angry , because Junior had introduced himself as Junior and he hadn 't told her his full name . Most of the white boys ignored him , but the big jocks paid special attention to him , they called him names . One day , after Roger had told him a racist joke , Junior punched him in the face . Roger felt insulted and all his friends were shocked . In accordance with the Spokane Indian rules he had acted correctly . That day , Junior went home completely confused . Since he had punched Roger in the face , he expected revenge , like every Indian would have done , if he had been punched . Roger , however , walked just away . Junior wished Rowdy would still be his friend , so he could have sent him after Roger . Because his parents weren 't at home , Junior went to his grandmother . He told her what had happened that school day and after a while of thinking , she said that he had earned his respect after he punched him . Junior thought , that this idea was crazy . The next day , his father didn 't have enough gas , so he had to go to school on foot . Fortunately Eugene , dad 's best friend , was heading to Spokane , so he gave Junior a ride to school . He arrived at school and he saw Roger walking out of the front door . Junior was prepared to get a fight , but instead Roger talked to him with respect and he was nice . Junior thought that his grandma was right . After this , he felt better and walked into the school . He greeted Penelope , who at first ignored him and then made fun of him . At this point he realized that he might have impressed the king , but the queen still hated him . Junior remembered that he had fallen in love with an Indian girl , named Dawn , when he was twelve . She was the best traditional powwow dancer on the reservation , but she ignored him and mostly made fun of him . He knew that he was one of those guys who fell in love with the unreachable . One night , when Rowdy slept in Junior 's house , Junior made a full confession . He told him about his feelings for Dawn and Rowdy responded him , that he was just stupid , because she would never return his love . These words made Junior cry . Rowdy told him to stop crying and promised him to tell nobody that he had cried for a girl . On Halloween , Junior went to school dressed as a homeless dude ; also Penelope went dressed as a homeless woman . She wore these ' clothes ' to protest the treatment of homeless people in that country and she was going to ask spare change , that she would give all to the homeless . Because he wanted to impress her too , he told her that he was wearing these clothes to protest the treatment of homeless Native Americans and he added that he was also going to ask spare change instead of candies . They decided to pool the money and send it together . So that night , Junior went out trick - or - treating and plenty of people gave him spare change . But when he was walking home , three guys dressed as Frankenstein shoved him to the ground and stole the money from him . The day after , when he went to school , he told Penelope what had happened to him and she answered that she would still put both their names on the donation . After that moment , Junior hoped that they would become closer , but nothing changed . He understood that he had to change everything about himself , to make her fall in love with him . One day , when he got home , Junior found his mother crying . Junior 's sister had married a flathead Indian , whom she had met at the casino and had moved to Montana . His parents were devastated , but Junior admired her courage , he was happy , that her spirit hadn 't been killed and that she was trying to live out her dream . Junior felt inspired by his sister , so the next day he approached Gordy and asked him to be his friend . And they became friends , but not like Rowdy and him . Gordy was one weird dude , but he was the smartest person Junior had ever known . Both were always lonely before they became friends . They studied together : Gordy did not only tutor and challenge him , but he made him realize that hard work was joyous . Mary wrote also that the people there were nice , Indians as well as whites . She spent her honeymoon together with her husband in a great hotel on Flathead Lake . Their suite was wonderful and on the room service menu , there was Indian fry bread . It was almost as good as grandma 's . She concluded with the sentence , that that honeymoon was a dream come true and that she loved her life , her husband and Montana . It was a snowless Thanksgiving , although it was a feast . Junior 's mother made a lot to eat , like turkey , many vegetables and pumpkin pie . But he couldn 't understand why Indians and Pilgrims had celebrated the first Thanksgiving together and then , a few years later , the Pilgrims were shooting Indians . His father told him , Indians should be happy they didn 't kill them all . It was a good day , but Junior missed Rowdy . For the last ten years , Rowdy had always come over to his house . So he drew a cartoon of them like they used to be , walked over to Rowdy 's house and Rowdy 's father opened . The latter answered that Rowdy wasn 't at home , so he gave the cartoon to Rowdy 's father , who promised to give it to his son . Junior was going home , when he saw Rowdy through the window , who was holding his cartoon . He could see his sadness in his face . He realized , that Rowdy hadn 't torn up his cartoon . which meant that Rowdy still respected his cartoon . And so maybe he still respected him a little bit . The lesson on the Civil War was so boring , so Junior went to the bathroom . From the other side of the wall he heard a weird noise . It was the girls ' bathroom and someone was throwing up there . So he knocked on the door and the girl inside told him to go away . He walked away , but something pulled him back and so he waited . After a while , this girl came out : it was Penelope . She told him , that she was bulimic , but only when she was throwing up . Junior encouraged her , not to give up . At this point she started crying , she felt lonely , even if everybody thought she had a perfect life , just because she was beautiful . Over the next few weeks , they became friends with a potential . Nobody had ever thought Penelope would choose him as new friend , also her father , a racist , didn 't want them to be friends . Junior didn 't know what he really meant to her , but they enjoyed being together . Thanks to Penelope , he became popular : also other girls defined him cute , the other boys decided that he was a major student and even the teachers paid more attention to him . One day , Penelope told Junior , that she wanted to leave Readan , she wanted to become an architect , so she could build something and be remembered . They shared the same dream ; both wanted to fly . Junior went to watch Penelope play volleyball . He was enchanted by her beauty and he wanted to know what do to with his feeling , so he went to the computer lab and wrote Rowdy an email , who had had the same address for five years . After a short time Rowdy wrote back , that he was sick of Indian guys who treated white women like bowling trophies and added Junior should get a life . Because this wasn 't what Junior hoped to hear , he decided to ask also Gordy 's opinion about that . Gordy answered , that he would go to make some research . He came back with an article and concluded that the attraction for Penelope meant he was racist as everybody else . In this way , Gordy was as tough as Rowdy . Traveling between Reardan and the reservation made him feel like a stranger , because he was ' half Indian in one place and half white in the other ' . Nobody knew about Junior 's poverty in Reardan , but he knew it would be impossible to hide it forever . In December , he took Penelope to the Winter Formal . Because he had no money for gas , he told her to meet at the gym for dance . He put on his father polyester suit and Penelope liked him a lot . They had a great time dancing together and after that , Roger and some other dude invited him to go out for breakfast . Penelope was ecstatic about this idea , but Junior was worried because he had just five dollars . He ordered many things ; he figured it was his last meal before his execution . Then he went to the bathroom , and after a short time , Roger went too . As an excuse , Junior told him , that he had forgotten his pocket with the money at home , so he gave him forty dollars . When they were about to go home , Penelope asked Junior if he was poor ; he couldn 't lie to her anymore and so he told her the truth . She didn 't become mad and Roger , who was a little racist , but also a generous person , drove him home that night and many other nights , too . Junior concluded the day with the thought that if you let people into your life , they can be pretty damn amazing . One day at school , Junior was missing Rowdy really much , so he went to the computer lab , took a photo of his face and sent it to him . Rowdy sent a photo of his bare behind . That made him laugh , but at the same time depressed . Also Gordy saw the picture and asked why Rowdy hated him . Junior told him , that he hated him , because he had left the rez and he tried to imagine the three of them together : maybe Rowdy would beat Gordy up or they would become a superhero trio . Junior told him also , that many called him ' apple ' , because he was red on the outside and white on the inside . Gordy commented that ' life is a constant struggle between being an individual and being a member of the community ' . He added that weird people would still get banished , like he and Junior . They had now a tribe of two . One day , Junior received a letter from his sister . She wrote she was still looking for a job , because they kept telling her she didn 't have enough experience . She had a lot of free time , so in the meantime she had started to write her life story and was going to call it : ' How to run away from your house and find your home ' . She wrote also , that she loved and missed everybody , and that she and her husband had moved into a new house . Junior 's dad encouraged him to try out the Reardan basketball team . There were forty boys , but only about sixteen would be cut . The first drill was a marathon and thirty - six of them finished . Immediately afterwards they had a second drill : one - on - one . Junior had to play against Roger , one of the best players . The Coach was very happy with his performance and so he could make the team . The first game was against Wellpinit , Junior 's old school . As he got off the bus , he could hear the crowd making fun of him and somebody in the crowd threw a sphere at him and so he was bleeding . Eugene stitched him up , so he could play in the third quarter . During the game , Rowdy smashed him with an elbow and knocked him unconscious . For this reason , they brought him to hospital . At night , the Coach visited him and told him that they had lost the match . He stayed with him awake all night , telling each other stories . Junior 's family didn 't have money for presents , so his dad took the little money they did have and ran away to get drunk . He left on Christmas Eve and came back on January 2 . After he came back home , he apologized for Christmas and Junior answered that it was okay , although it wasn 't . His dad told him , he should look in his boot and Junior found a five dollar note . He knew that dad must have really wanted to spend the last five dollars , but had saved them for Junior . It was a beautiful and ugly thing together and he kissed his father , who in the meantime had fallen asleep . By staying in Reardan Junior had learned that there were plenty of white kids ignored by their parents and that people in Reardan tended to be strangers to each other ; while on the rez everybody knew everybody . The best thing in Wellpinit , the rez , was his grandmother , who was also the most amazing person in the world , because she was tolerant . But one day , she was walking home from a mini powwow , when she was killed by a drunk driver . She died during the emergency surgery , but before dying she told the surgeons to forgive the murderer . The latter was taken to jail and after he got out , he moved and nobody ever saw him again . Junior 's grandma had never tasted alcohol , because she wanted to touch the world with all of her senses intact . Wake They held Grandma 's wake three days later and almost two thousand Indians came to say good - bye . Junior was happy , that they let him grieve in peace , even if he had left the rez school . The ceremony took place on the football field and Mary couldn 't attend . About ten hours into the wake , a white guy stepped forward holding a big suitcase . He said , he loved the Indian people and that he collected Indian Art . In his suitcase , he had a beautiful powwow dance outfit . An Indian had sold this to him and had employed an anthropologist to determine the owner and after some researches , he said that it once belonged to Grandmother Spirit . She loved to go to powwow , but she never danced so she never owned a dance outfit . Consequently he packed the outfit back into the suitcase , hurried over to his car and sped away . Two thousand Indians laughed at the same time . A few days after Valentine 's Day , Eugene was shot by one of his good friends , Bobby . They were fighting for the last drink in a bottle of wine . A few weeks later , Bobby hung himself in jail . To get over the pain , Junior 's father went drinking , while his mother went to church every day . In a short time , they had lost their grandmother and Eugene . Junior wanted to find out everything about the word ' grief ' and Gordy showed him a book written by Euripides , who knew the answer . In one of his plays , Medea said : ' What greater grief than the loss of one 's native land ? ' At this point , Junior realized that this had happend to the Indians , they had lost everything . Then , after his fifteenth or twentieth missed school , he returned to Reardan . The social studies teacher mocked him for all the absences . Junior was too broken to stand up to her , but it was Gordy who defended him . He stood up to the teacher and inspired the others . As a consequence the classmates stood up one by one and walked out of the room . Before this event , Junior used to think that the world was divided by race , skin color or culture , but now he thought it was only divided into two groups : the people who are assholes and those who are not . This gave him a little bit of joy , so he made a list of the people , musicians , foods , books and basketball players who had given him the most joy in his life . Junior had never guessed he would become a good basketball player , but he became one of the best players on the basketball team . He guessed it came down to the power of expectations . After they lost the first game to Wellpinit , they won twelve in a row . Then they had the rematch with Wellpinit , but this time at home . Wellpinit was the number one - ranked small school in the state , just because of Rowdy . Before the match , Junior got interviewed by the local news . The coach wanted him to guard Rowdy , although Junior thought he couldn 't do it . A few minutes after start , Junior could steal Rowdy the ball when he was about to dunk . Junior took the ball , raced across the court and scored ; at the end Reardan beat them by forty points . Junior was the hero , but he was ashamed , because the Indians had nothing , while the Reardan boys had everything . He cried also because he had hurt his best friend 's heart . Wellpinit never recovered from their loss to Reardan , while Junior 's team headed into the playoffs , but there , they got beaten . It was a big upset and everybody cried . Rowdy and I have long and serious discussion about basketball A few days after the basketball season had ended , Junior e - mailed Rowdy to apologize for the win . He answered back with a rebellious and insulting sentence , as always . Nevertheless Junior was happy , because it was the first time that Rowdy had talked to him since he had left the reservation and although the answer was rude , Rowdy was also a bit friendly . For Junior , the biggest difference between Indian and white people , was the amount of funerals , which you attended . Junior 's white friends could count their deaths on a hand , while he had been to 42 funerals : ninety percent of them were due to alcohol . One day , during chemistry , the guidance consulter wanted to speak in private with Junior . She told him , that his father was coming to pick him up , because his sister Mary was dead . On the way back , Junior 's father told him the reason : she and her husband had had a big party in their home in Montana and they had forgotten a soup on a hot plate . A near curtain caught the hot plate and the trailer burned down quickly . Junior 's mother was broken and she didn 't want Junior to leave her . Two days later , they buried her . During the burial , he had to get out of there and ran out of the graveyard into the woods , where he bumped into Rowdy , who was crying . Rowdy blamed Junior for her death : because he had left the rez , she did it too . Junior went back to school , where boys , girls and teachers worried for him . He was important to them . Penelope came up to him last and she was weeping . Junior felt like every planet in his solar system had exploded . Junior went with his parents to the cemetery and cleaned up the graves of Grandmother Spirit , Eugene , and Mary . They had a picnic and Junior 's dad played also his saxophone . His mum told him , that she was proud of him and this made Junior happy , but he missed his sister . He admired her for the courage to leave the basement . Thinking that more Spokane would die during the next year , because of booze , made him sad . He knew that he was never going to drink and that he was going to have a better life out in the white world . Junior was okay , but it also reminded him of the people who were not okay , like Rowdy . He missed him . The school year was over and Junior enjoyed the time on the reservation , which was beautiful . The rez was surrounded by pine trees everywhere . These reminded him of Rowdy : when they were nine or ten and they decided to climb the tallest tree over by Turtle Lake . On that day , they weren 't afraid of falling . Actually , they wanted to go swimming in Turtle Lake , but since Junior was afraid and the lake was deep , they decided to climb it . Thinking about it , he couldn 't believe that they did it and he couldn 't either believe that he had survived the first year at Reardan . He missed his white friends : he wrote Penelope a couple of letters , Gordy wanted to come to the reservation and Roger had willed his basketball uniform for him . Then , one afternoon , Rowdy came to Junior 's house , with the excuse he was bored . So they decided to go to the court and play basketball . Again , Junior asked Rowdy to go with him to Reardan , but he declined . Instead he was happy for him , because he was going to follow his dreams . Junior cried a little by the thought , how much he would miss his family , his friends , the tribe and his reservation . Then , they continued to play and they didn 't keep score . Chiara Videsott : " The absolutely true diary of a part - time Indian " by Sherman Alexie This entry was posted in Chiara Videsott , Sherman Alexie , Uncategorized . Bookmark the permalink . Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . .
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Posted on July 14 , 2011 by dragonsoul82 under Witches : working title Sunshine filtered through the windows of Amy 's shop , revealing all of the dust and dirty prints that adorned them . I fought the urge to leave the counter and step up onto the display with a bottle of window cleaner and a rag to wash the windows . There were a group of teenagers milling around the love charms and fortune telling books and I had to keep an eye on them . I probably could have left my post , but Amy was strict and this store was her baby . I was just the babysitter and the only reason I had that post was because I was practically the baby 's aunt . I sighed and thrummed my fingers on the worn wooden counter , watching the girls in catholic school uniforms as they giggled and flipped through a book on love charms . Oh , to be sixteen again . I thought with more than a little sarcasm . I would never go back to that period of my life with all the ackwardness and scape goating , not to mention the inescapable fact that I was materially different from everyone else in my school whether I wanted to be or not . Being nearly thirty wasn 't exactly sitting well with me , being unmarried and childless , but compared to my teenage years this period of my life was just fine with me . Finally , the girls left the store and I could leave the counter to straighten the mess they left . I was getting the window cleaner and a rag when Amy returned , throwing her bag behind the counter with an annoyed sigh . I didn 't bother to ask , I knew why she was so irritated . She had been called to the home of a woman who wanted heavy magic used to separate the woman 's lover from his wife . Amy hated doing magic like that , she hated meddling in the twisted love lives of people . They never really knew what they wanted until they made the wrong choices and lived to regret them . " Why are women like that ? Why are they such slaves to men ? " she sighed , and I could hear her removing her supplies and putting them away in the cupboards behind the counter . " You never see men in here leafing through the love charms , calling me up at all hours of the day to ask for a love spell , weeping and crying when I tell them I refuse to do it for free . Why is it always women ? Why do they choose to suffer ? " " Haven 't yet and I 'm beginning to think I might never will . I can 't find a man I can trust enough . " I jumped down from the display and went to the front door , spraying it down and wiping with more gusto than was perhaps necessary . " Don 't tellCharlottethat . " I could see the form of a willowy teenager walking down the street to my right . She had the graceful step of a dancer and the ethereal beauty of a fairy princess . Her plaid skirt stopped just barely above her knees , where the manditory white socks started . She was walking with her head down and her dark hair covering the sides of her face and I could tell from the set of her mouth that today had been yet another bad day at school . I turned away from the door so she wouldn 't see me watching her , " Although I don 't think we will have to . " " I told you sending her to an all girls school was a mistake . " I put the window cleaner and rag back in the cupboard behind the counter and leaned on the counter edge , crossing my arms and watching the door , " It 's not the boys that cause the problems , Amy , it 's us . Normal women can sense we 're different and they don 't like us . " " But there is no reason for it . We never harm them , and when they need us they have no qualms about weeping on our doorstep for a potion or charm . " Amy 's furrowed brow became an all out scowl . " True , WE are not a threat to them , but don 't forget about our ancestors . You know , the ones who stole husbands and left bastard children running around . " I laughed at her as I watchedCharlotteapproach through my spanking clean windows , " Remember that the next time we get threatened with a good burning at the stake . " Amy laughed at me , but the conversation stopped there asCharlottestrode glumly through the door . She barely smiled at Amy when she was asked how her day went . It was all too obvious on her face that she just wanted to be left alone , at least for a little while . Life had been tough from the very beginning for poorCharlotte . Her mother , my mother 's younger sister , had accidentally gotten pregnant before her wedding and , using the pregnancy as an excuse , her fiance left her for another woman . Despite the heartbreak , Theresa had done just fine after she gave birth to littleCharlotte . She had already become a well established editor for a small women 's magazine inSeattle , so having a baby had not put much of a financial burden on her and she had been able to switch to working mostly at home duringCharlotte 's first few years . Sadly , Theresa had died in a terrible car accident while Christmas shopping with a friend whenCharlottewas five . My mother and father , while certainly devestated by the event , were already too burdened by taking care of my elderly grandfather to takeCharlottein . Amy 's parents , also my aunt and uncle , were a no - go for taking the child since Amy had developed serious concerns with the effect of their alternate hippy life style on the young child . Amy , therefore , had takenCharlottein and became her sole guardian . For the past eleven years Amy had stayed settled in Baltimore , close enough to her own parents that she could see them fairly often , but far enough away that they couldn 't drop by on a daily basis . This last part was the most important . Reason being ? Amy , along with Charlotte , Amy 's sister Alana , and myself , was a witch . Witches are , for the most part , fairly harmless . Of course , you do have the people who use the craft for personal gain and power , etc . , but those people don 't often last long . Someone kills them off eventually , or they get themselves killed trying something really dumb like cursing people or opening doorways that really should stay firmly shut and locked . The majority of witches are just silly women who sit around lighting incense and reciting incantations to commune with the natural world . As I said before , they 're actually fairly harmless as they rarely are able to tap into the real power that 's out there . The witches in our family , however , are the kind of witch you don 't want to mess around with . We 're the real kind , the kind born with the natural ability to tap into the powerful forces that bind our world together . When we recite incantations , things really do happen , sometimes they 're scary things , but they really happen . Our every day lives are nothing close to those of ordinary women . We see the world within the world you live in , the ebb and flow of the energy that binds all living things . Witch families like ours are rare , it takes some pretty powerful bloodlines and , more often than not , the addition of a supernatural bloodline like fairy or elven to create a human family of witches . In our case , it came from my mothers side of the family , Amy 's father , andCharlotte 's mother . They were the children of a woman named Eleanor Catherine Tate , who was the single child of a woman named Mercy Tate , an Irish immigrant to theWest Virginiacoal mining region ofAppalachia . Who she was before she came toAmerica , no one knows , her family history literally starts inAmerica . No record of where she came from inIreland , who her parents were , and what part ofIrelandshe came from exists . It 's just assumed she was Irish , as the area was being flooded by Irish immigrants at the time she showed up and it makes the most sense . When she got to Appalachia , Mercy married a prominent Native American involved with the business of negotiating the coal mining and his people 's land , a man with the given name of Thomas Redfox . It 's not known if it was her choice of a Native American over a white irishman , or the inevitable attractiveness that the women in our family are prone to that got her killed , but less than three years after being married to Thomas , Mercy 's body was found in a creek not far from their home . Our grandmother , Eleanor , was immediately sent to live with a man who Mercy claimed was her brother many miles away in Virginia . According to records , the man my grandmother was raised by , James Tate , only had brothers and no surviving sisters . However , he took Eleanor in and raised her with his own three children , two girls and a boy . What happened to Thomas after he lost Mercy is as unknown as what Mercy 's real past was . He just dropped off of the map after her death , abandoning the house he shared with her and disappearing . Rumors , according to local newspapers , ran rampant claiming that Thomas had taken revenge on the men responsible for Mercy 's death before disappearing into the wilderness , never to be seen again . This , Amy and I knew , was not true as newspaper stories from months later indicated that eight men were tried and found guilty of Mercy 's murder . Thomas ' whereabouts , however , still remained a mystery . I know this sounds all mysterious and full of unknowns , but our family history , at least on that side , is pretty typical . Most witching families have unknown bloodlines at some point , or missing relatives , or changeling children . It 's actually really common among our kind . Sometimes family secrets are learned but , for the most part , it 's best to leave those particular secrets buried in the past . It 's often for the best as most pure blood fairy lines don 't like to mention any human relatives . Reason being , those human relatives are often the result of adulterous unions and bastard children . Real fairies don 't like crossing bloodlines as they consider it dilution of the pure blood . It takes a little while for powers to develop in witching families , so it was no surprise that the abilities mostly skipped our parents generation . Our grandmother , the daughter of Mercy who we knew was the wellspring of our abilities , was a very capable witch , but what Eleanor possessed did not get immediately passed on to the next generation . Instead , first Amy , then I , followed by Alana , and finally Charlotte emerged around the ages of six or seven and our grandmother had the difficult task of training granddaughters to be responsible witches while hiding that particular fact from our parents . With Alana and Charlotte our grandmother had very little problem , mostly because Amy was Alana 's older sister and by the time Charlotte had emerged , Amy was her guardian and already a well established witch . Myself and Amy were the challenge , as the first two to emerge and separated from our grandmother on either side of her by two states . She had worked very hard through phone calls and insisting we visit her at her family home in Virginia every summer from the time we were six . We spent every summer going to ' witch school ' as she used to call it , cramming every piece of information she could about ourselves , our family history , and how to use our ' gifts ' for the benefit of society . She sent us home at the end of every summer with ' homework ' that we were to update her with over the fall and winter holidays . By the time my grandmother passed away when I was twenty , she had started all four of us on the path to becoming powerful and highly responsible witches . The problem was , as is always the problem with those who teach us , she could not prepare us for what the outside world would throw in our paths . Like jealousy , and fear , and loathing from other women who could sense our difference or the men who liked us up to the point we lifted teacups into the cupboard without touching them or turned someone into a toad and then they ran screaming . Life , as a general rule , is difficult but for a witch trying to live with one foot in the normal world , it 's practically impossible . Unless , of course , you have someone to rely on . Much better is having a couple of someones to rely on when the going is extremely tough . Of all the things our grandmother taught us , the most important thing she gave us was the relationship we had with our cousins , women exactly like us with some idea of how tough our lives really were , being loved one minute and loathed the next . I didn 't need to hear the conversation to know why Alana was calling . She had met a new man , or was going out with ' The Girls ' and wanted Amy to watch her kids . If Charlotte was the Outcast , I was the Scapegoat , and Amy was the Den Mother in our little coven , Alana was the Social Butterfly . She never had the problems with other women that the rest of us had , but that was due to no little amount of glamour use . As she liked to put it ; " Why have it when you can 't use it ? It 's not like being a witch means we should suffer socially our whole lives . " Not that Alana didn 't have her fair share of problems . His name had been Dean Abernathy and he had loved her right up the the moment their second child , a girl , set fire to the Christmas tree when she was still in the womb . He had left right then and there and Alana had not seen him since . Alana came to Baltimore after the birth of her daughter , Isabella . At first , Alana lived with Amy , Charlotte , and I above Amy 's shop in Mt . Vernon . Let me tell you , four witches , a three year old boy and a newborn baby in a two floor , three bedroom glorified apartment was more than I could handle . One month after Alana moved in with her brood , I moved out into a little apartment about a block away . It was small , but it was all mine and I didn 't have to remove oodles of baby toys from the bathtub before I could take a shower . I even got myself a cat , a little gray thing that appeared on the front stoop one rainy October afternoon . I named him Gremlin , because he had a strange resemblance to one the afternoon I brought him in , and he has since grown into a fine , fat cat with a taste for tuna and any bugs brave ( or stupid ) enough to venture into my apartment . Things apparently were going well , for the first six months Alana and her kids were with Amy and Charlotte . Then the first Man happened and that was the beginning of the end . Alana basically treated Amy and Charlotte like live in nannies and would disappear for nights at a time , leaving Amy and Charlotte to take care of the babies . That lasted about two weeks , exactly , before Amy kicked Alana out on her own . Now , Alana had to call and make arrangements with one of us first before dropping the kids off . If she couldn 't get us to watch the kids for free , well , then she was just plum out of luck for that night . Alana swore she hated paying someone to watch her kids , especially after they had been at the university day care all day where Alana worked as a receptionist . Even now that Eddie was in the first grade and at school all day , Alana had him dropped off at the day care so that she could work overtime . Granted , we didn 't complain , it meant that the kids were being cared for and she had the financial means to provide for them , but then she liked to just dump them off whenever . Fortunately for me , I worked as a night librarian at the Mt . Vernon branch of the Enoch Pratt Free Library . I was effectively off of the babysitting list most nights of the week , except Tuesday nights , when I had off once a week . The rest of the time I was unavailable to watch the children . That left Amy and Charlotte , but Amy wasn 't about to allow Alana free reign to drop her kids off any time she pleased . She had to pay Charlotte to babysit , and Amy refused to watch the children on weeknights because she spent the time stocking her store and doing book keeping . In the end , Alana was mostly forced to be a working mother , whether she liked it or not . Not that she ever let on if it displeased her , she was constantly perfecting her ' fresh as a spring breeze ' persona , practicing it on us as if we didn 't know it was all Glamour and magic . Tonight , however , was Friday night and Alana apparently had plans , this time with ' The Girls ' to go out drinking and dancing . Amy rolled her eyes as she put the phone back on the hook and returned to her duties at the counter . Alana was bringing the kids over at seven , after the store closed , and after they had been fed dinner . Amy would watch the kids overnight so that Alana was free to go do what she wanted , but she had to be over to pick the kids up at 8am sharp . Amy opened the store on Saturday 's at 9am and didn 't like having the kids hanging around in the shop . Charlotte usually spent her day helping Amy in the morning downstairs and doing homework ( or spellwork ) in the afternoons , so she wasn 't exactly free to watch the kids either . I waved at Amy and slipped out of the front door while Amy continued to tidy up the shop , preparing for close at 6pm . Charlotte would be fixing dinner now , as it was nearly 4 : 30 and Amy liked to eat as soon as the locks on the front door were thrown and the metal grates drawn down . I needed to get home and change my clothes before going in to work . I also needed to feed Gremlin before I left for work . My apartment was a little one bedroom on the front of one of the many victorian mansions in Mt . Vernon . It consisted of a main room with a bow window , a small nook of a kitchen in the right wall , bathroom just beyond with clawfoot tub and small window , and a little side room through glass french doors that held my bed at one end and make - shift closet at the other . There was a ridiculously large marble fireplace in the ante - room that served as my bedroom with a mirror above it . The walls were painted a pristine white and the woodwork had been meticulously restored by my landlord 's son . I had decorated my little space with items I picked up in antique stores mixed with Ikea and Pier One finds . Overall , the effect was a mish - mash of old , new and quirky with lace and floral pictures . It was comfortable and just perfect . There were seven other apartments in the building , six other tenants and my landlord , Florence . Florence had bought the building after her husband died as a source of income during her retirement . Her son , a gangly young man of about twenty , managed the building for her in between his job as a barista and college classes . For the most part , I never needed to call him , but that wasn 't without a judicious use of magic to make sure nothing ever went wrong or fell apart . It wasn 't that I didn 't like Florence 's son , I just didn 't exactly trust his handyman skills anymore than I trusted my own . I had worked as the night librarian for the Mt . Vernon branch of the Enoch Pratt Free Library for five years . Most people don 't realize it even exists , hidden away in an old church converted to library over fifteen years ago . Before then , it had been a Mason 's hall , or belonged to some similar organization . The large nave of the church held the main collection , with the upper balconies devoted to the childrens sections , and the reference sections . I spent most of my nights re - organizing the sections and putting returns back on the shelves . It didn 't take very long , especially after the regular staff left and just the guard , a grizzled old man named Lenny , and I were left in the building . I could use magic then , to help sort the books and return them . Other than doing a round every two hours , Lenny pretty much slept the night away at his desk in his office , located somewhere in the back of the church . I spent the rest of the night curled up behind the main desk , reading . The thing with the Mt . Vernon branch of the Enoch Pratt Free Library is this : It doesn 't exactly exist in the system . If you look for it on the website that lists all of the branches around Baltimore , it isn 't there . It 's not listed anywhere for the general public to find . Even the sign on the building that identifies the building as being a library is a wee - little plaque to the right of the large doors , nearly six feet from the entrance doors that were carved out of the massive old church doors millenia ago , when the building stopped being a church . The reason is that the library , while certainly having the regular selection of normal books on the main floor , is almost completely devoted to the supernatural . Not the human studies on the supernatural , but books and tomes and accounts recorded over the centuries by supernaturals . Most of the collection are copies of original pieces handed down over the millenia by supernaturals from all over the world . I haven 't gotten to it yet , but there 's even a section on American supernatural history , which starts back almost to the point where the first humans crossed the land bridge and came to the Americas . I 've only just finished reading the section on European supernatural history , but the American history section is next on my list . " There is a city detective , Detective Blackwolf , who got special permission to work late this evening . The letter is on the main desk . He 's somewhere up in the map rooms , researching old underground sewer systems or something for a case . Keep an eye on him ? " Abigail smiled at me before she left , wrapping her scarf artfully around her neck . I 'm not sure what she meant by " keep an eye on him " , Abigail is part of the normal human population who doesn 't exactly know that the larger portion of the library collection is actually hidden well below the main floors . I just assumed she meant to check on him often to make sure he had everything he needed . I just smiled and promised her I would while internally hoping I could slip away downstairs without him noticing . The one main rule behind my special position as night librarian is to make sure that members of the supernatural population are the ONLY people allowed into the collection and that the normal human population knows nothing about it . The best way to insure that is to offer night hours to the exclusive supernatural population . Although they are rarely utilized by the supernatural population , as the majority of the collection tends to be historical records and accounts of supernatural happenings , I do have the occasional night visitor . It was rare to have a normal human stay after hours . I wondered if that was actually allowed , but didn 't exactly know who to ask about that . I just decided that I would have to be careful tonight . Maybe I would just pick a normal classic , like Jane Austen , to content myself with while the detective was in the library . " Good evening , Lenny . " I smiled as I watched the elderly guard make his way down the main floor and stop at the desk , sliding his hat back on his balding head and scratching at what hair remained there . " I hear we 're not alone this evening . " " No ma ' am . But don ' tcha worry . He 's a policeman . Up in the map rooms , got the whole table covered . " Lenny gave me a wink , " I think he might need your help . " " Lenny , the man is working . Stop that . " I blushed . Lenny was always teasing me about boyfriends and when was I going to settle down with a nice man and have babies . Oh , if he only knew the truth . I shook my head at him and smiled , " I 'll go up and check on him before I get started down here with the returns . " " You do that . " Lenny couldn 't hide the feisty smile that twitched at the edges of his mouth , " Even Mrs . Reed couldn 't keep herself from offering her help . He 's a real looker and a cop too , so a good man all around . " " Lenny , stop it . I 'm not looking for a man . " My blush deepened , only making Lenny grin wider as he sauntered off . I liked Lenny , but sometimes it was like having a feisty uncle around more than I wanted . I waited for the heat to dissipate from my cheeks before I left the front desk and ventured upstairs to the map section . The map section is located behind the front desk and over the administrative offices , where the alter of the old church used to be located . The stained glass windows that loomed over the old alter now dominated the west wall of the map section , illuminating the large wooden tables placed there for easy perusal of the city maps . The balcony that overlooked the main floor was enclosed with a beautiful laticework divide which was moved from a lower section of the church at the request of a former attendee to the church when it was converted into a library . Two iron sets of spiral stairs on either side of the main desk provided access to the upper levels . It was up one of these that I now softly stepped , hoping to not disturb the man who was working above . The late afternoon sun was just filtering through the stained glass windows in the west wall , bathing the map section in bright reds , blues , and yellows . A man sat at the far end of the first set of tables , leaning over a large map that covered the entire end of the table , a notebook set beside him . I could see he wore business slacks and a button down oxford shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows , and a leather holster around his shoulders . I couldn 't see the gun , but I knew it was there , and it made me nervous as I approached him . " Yes ? " he lifted his head from his hand and looked up at me . He had dark hair in a crew cut that needed a trim , the front stuck up a little wildly from where his fingers had been running through it . He had dark eyes and the copper skin tone of a native american . " I have permission to stay after closing hours . " " Yes , I know . I just wanted to let you know that Abigail left and I will be taking over for the night , if you need anything . I 'll be just down at the main desk . " I smiled and started to turn away . He sounded grumpy and I decided not to try any further conversation , so I started to slip back to the stairway in the hopes that I could find a book and be back at the desk before he really did need me . " Excuse me , miss ? " I stopped and turned , surprised that he had spoken to me . He had slid back the chair he was sitting in and turned to look at me . " I 'm looking for an underground connection between the harbor and some abandoned warehouses north of Patterson Park . I have a suspect that is using some kind of connection between these buildings and the harbor , but we can 't find an above ground route of escape . " He stretched his arms upward , cracking the bones of his shoulders , and looked at me . " Sewer maps won 't help , then . " I walked over to the opposite side of the room , where the older maps were kept . " You want the slave tunnel maps . " " During the Civil War , tunnels were dug all through the city connecting parts of the sewer system to create an escape route and place to hide for freed slaves trying to reach the north , into Pennsylvania . This map isn 't exactly complete , as it was drawn based on the accounts of former slaves long after the Civil War was over , but it might help . " I pulled out the laminated copy and lay it on the table nearby . He set his pad of paper down beside the map on the table and I stepped aside so that he could see it more clearly . Standing so close , I realized how big this man really was . He was probably taller than me by at least a foot and a half and I wouldn 't be lying if I said he was wider than me by the same . If you could describe someone as a monster of a person , it was this man . It was clearly not dead weight , either . The muscles of his upper arms flexed under his skin , leaving no room for extraneous fat . I was secretly relieved this man was on the good side of the law , I would not want to meet up with the wrong side of him even on a bright sunlit day . " That 's it , right there . " He laughed , running large fingers down a series of lines on the map indicating the tunnels . He smiled over at me , the chiseled lines of his face melting into the warmest expression I had ever seen . " Thanks . This is great . " " Most people don 't know these tunnels exist . I think some historian wrote about them years ago , but the book was buried somewhere in the American history section and completely forgotten . It 's really interesting , if you have the time to read it . " I blushed , stepping back . " I need to make a copy of this map , if that can be done , so I 'll need reference information . " He motioned to the map . " Other than that , I think I 'm done here . I 'll just put those other maps away for you ? " I slipped downstairs as soon as I knew that Detective Blackwolf had a handle on putting the maps away and focused on pulling the information he needed up on the computer . I had just hit the print button when the detective came down from the map section , a dark blazer pulled on over his shirt and a briefcase slung over one shoulder . He smiled as he approached the desk and I handed him the still warm printout over the top of the desk . " Oh , I 'm Eleanor , Ellie for short . " I picked up the walkie talkie to call Lenny , but I could already see the guard strolling towards us down one of the rows of books . He must have been lurking around , waiting . " Yes , I 'm usually here by seven in the evening , sometimes a little earlier . Just make sure you 're here before closing if you need anything . " I smiled at him , trying to ignore Lenny 's knowing smirk . " Have a good night . " I ignored the grin Lenny gave me after he locked the front door behind the detective and decided to return to the map section . Although I was sure the detective had put everything back where it belonged , it was always a good idea to double check . I slipped upstairs as soon as Lenny disappeared into the stacks on his way back to his office . Detective Blackwolf had done a very good job , every map he had out was put back exactly where it belonged . I just needed to straighten the chair he had used and turn out the light , and the map section was officially closed for the night . I moved the chair back into position and was about to lean over the table to switch off the lamp when a piece of paper on the floor under where the chair had been caught my eye . I bent down to pick it up and realized it was an enlarged black and white photo , probably from the detectives file . I switched off the lamp and hurried downstairs , unlocking the front door and looking out onto the darkening street . " Detective Blackwolf ? " I called out , seeing a large male frame standing on the corner . He turned , looking back at me . " You left this . " I held up the photograph and he started back towards me . Inadvertently , I looked down at the photo in my hands , and stopped cold . Slowly , I turned it into the light to see better and felt chills run up my arms , down my spine , and into the pit of my stomach . The photograph was of a door in a brick wall , clearly barred and spiked closed . The door and the frame around the door were virtually covered in symbols , carved into the stones and clearly molded into the metal door itself . " Some kind of voodoo symbols , we think . I can 't find anyone who can translate them . " Detective Blackwolf 's voice startled me , I had been so absorbed in the picture I hadn 't seen him get close . He took the photo from my hand , but didn 't put it away immediately . " Is this where you think your suspect is getting away ? " I looked up at him , trying to sound more curious than concerned . I knew exactly what those symbols meant , they meant stay away , and they meant it good . " There aren 't any other doors or exits so this was the only way he could have gone , but we can 't see how he moved the door . We haven 't been able to budge it ourselves . " He was watching my face and I realized I would have to be careful . " He didn 't . There is no way he could have gone through here . These symbols , they 're keeping the door shut more than the bars . " I pointed to the symbols on the door , " You would do well to stay away from this door too . He isn 't going through here . Those runes , they aren 't voodoo , they 're older than that . They aren 't there to keep you out ; they 're there to keep something in . It 's not going to just open . " " I read . A lot . " I shrugged . It 's never a good idea to let law enforcement know that you 're a witch , it tends to destroy much trust they have in you . I realized I had said too much and hoped I could at least throw him off pretending to be an avid bookworm , which wasn 't exactly a lie . I did work overnights at a library with only an elderly security guard for company . Being an avid reader was a logical thing to be in such cases . " Yes , and , technically , they should frighten you too . They 're spells to keep something terrible trapped there , behind that door . Only … " I chewed my lip , turning to look at the runes on the photograph again . " I don 't know that . I 've never read anything about it in Baltimore before . " I smiled sheepishly , " I haven 't started on American history yet . Maybe the tunnel was just a convenient place at the time . " " I 'm sorry . " I chewed my lip again , and then something occurred to me , " If it is capping the tunnel , there has to be another door on the other side , just like this one . If he did manage to go through here , you just need to find the door at the other end to know which tunnel he used to exit from . " " You , too . " I watched him turn into the slowly darkening twilight , and called after him , " Be careful anyway . Those tunnels are really old , if they even still exist . " I retreated into the library and locked the front door with a troubled mind . It was one thing for him not to believe in the power those runes had over that door , he and the police force probably wouldn 't be able to open that door , not with all the dynamite on earth . That was what those runes were put there for . It was the fact that the door was even there , that there might be another door at the other end of the tunnel with the same warnings and spells on it in a language so old human memory had forgotten it . Something really bad was in there , and needed to stay there . I went back to the front desk and tapped my fingers on the counter nervously , trying to decide what to do next . I knew I should talk to Amy about this , but she had the kids tonight and would be too busy to deal with it right away . Besides , she would want my help and probably Alana 's too if it was something that needed some real investigation . I also didn 't think that with the police watching over the doorway anyone was going to try to get in , from that end anyway . Finally , I decided that the best I could do right away was to do some research . I made sure all of the returns were put back and all of the clerical things Abigail wanted me to finish were done before I slipped through the doors at the back of the desk . The doors to the rest of the collection , the Supernatural Collection , were a pair of old oak doors kept firmly shut at the back of the administrative offices behind the front desk . I slipped down the short aisle of desks and lay my right hand flat on the handle of the doors . A tingle of magic ran through my palm as the doors recognized me , and swung gently open . I stepped through and they shut silently behind me . In the back of my mind , I kept an eye on Lenny who was already snoozing away at his desk . The Supernatural Collection is actually stored in a magical space created behind the portal of the doors . If a normal human tried to get through , the doors would only open onto the little cemetery , now a courtyard , between the nave and the old rectory of the church . They would not see the endless hall of book stacks stretching out before them like I did . Quietly , I asked the library to take me to the American history section , feeling the tingle and rush as I was moved from one end of the library to somewhere to my left and halfway down the room . Although this was not the first time I had used the search system in the supernatural collection , it was the first time I had searched for something so specific . I focused my mind and three books floated down from the shelves , stacking themselves neatly in the air in front of me . I reached out and took them , heading back to the front desk to do a little light reading over night . The books were not particularly helpful , although the information they contained was extremely interesting . I learned a great deal about the founding of the supernatural society within Baltimore from the time the harbor city was founded to present day . For example , due to the fact that it is a harbor city and the traffic of immigrating supernatural 's is so great no official species territories are allowed to be set up . Therefore , while regions of settlement for specific species have been established , no one species is allowed to prevent another species from travelling through or settling in that region . To help mediate this , the city government was established to give fair representation to all of the species living in Baltimore . The second book recommended by the library was a complete history of the establishment of the government and laws . Apparently the supernatural government in Baltimore was the first official supernatural government to be recognized in the United States . Other forms of supernatural government existed within the Native American supernatural population ; they were more regional to the United States and laws changed between tribal regions . Also , and this I didn 't know either , until settlement by Europeans , the Americas were dominated by werewolves who ran the whole continent according to pack territories , each governing their territory according to the laws of the wolves . The government in each territory was determined by the heirarchy of a primary alpha and their offspring , who were usually secondary alpha 's . Since alphas in werewolf packs are typically male , that heirarchy of primary and secondary alpha 's was patrilineal . According to these books at least , no strong female leaders had ever been established in the Americas until the founding of the government of Baltimore . That last part sounded promising , but further reading indicated that Baltimore had become suddenly over - run with what sounded like human gang activity exacerbated by recently turned vampires . The result was apparently whole gangs of vampires reigning terror down on the combined human and supernatural population of Baltimore . The result was that the supernatural population , unified by the un - named pair of fairy - witches , rose up en masse to vanquish the vampire threat . Although the account was very dry and short , with no detailed account of the actual battle , it sounded like the vampires were simply hunted down and killed by the only method known : beheading , dismemberment , and incineration . One section at the end of the account did catch my attention : No vampire was allowed to feed upon the blood of a human , with or without consent of that human , while residing on New World soil . Should such a vampire be found feeding on human blood , supernatural or otherwise , they are to be executed immediately without trial . This land was established by those persecuted by the vile menace in Europe as a safe haven against such persecution and their safety is paramount to the lives of the Undead . I chewed my lip thoughtfully as I returned the books to the library , mulling over everything I had read . While I had found no mention whatsoever of the doors , or the entrapment of anything horrific enough to need to be sealed by runes and spells as well as metal doors in the history I had read , I did learn something that might be of use . There must still be a Supernatural Council in Baltimore , and maybe that was what the Library had wanted me to find . Maybe they would have some idea what was lurking behind the door detective Blackwolf found , and maybe they needed to know that the human population had found it . Then again , maybe they already knew . I decided this was what I had to talk with Amy about this evening before I came back to work . Detective Blackwolf was leaning against his car as I came down the front steps of the library . I walked directly up to him , as I had no reason to avoid him . He seemed surprised , but I supposed that was due to the fact that many of the people he usually spoke to were more inclined to avoid talking to the police . " What can I do for you this morning , Detective ? " I tried not to sound too tired . I had , after all , just come off of working an eleven hour overnight shift , even if I was used to it . " Well , I need you to translate them , if you can . I need to know exactly what they say , to the letter . " I sighed , and looked down . " Can 't you do that ? " " Runes don 't work like that , and I can 't tell you letter by letter what they mean . " I looked up at him , surprised not to see the scowl on his face . Instead , he was giving me a very interested look , so I continued , " the thing with runes is they are representative of the natural powers that exist in the world around us . Their exact translation changes from culture to culture , although the meaning stays the same . The order in which they are placed on the door indicates that the door is being held shut by the power the runes embody , but they won 't tell you anything about what is behind the door , who put it there , or what reason it was trapped there . " " They were never a spoken language like ancient Egyptian or roman Latin . Their meaning has been passed down through history from a time long before those civilizations were conceived in the minds of the people who happened to settle there . They were never letters that make words , each symbol holds its own meaning like a Christian cross or Hebrew Star of David holds great meaning to us today . The meaning of each symbol was passed down over the thousands of years , but not the sound or word that might have been associated with it . They don 't form words on a page , they form a symbolic net of power keeping that door firmly shut and whatever is behind it trapped there . " I tried my best to explain , but I wasn 't sure that I got my point across with any accuracy . " I 'm sorry , I know you need to get home to sleep . Do you work tonight ? " He threw the folder through the open window of his car , hitting the passenger seat with surprising accuracy . " Yes , I 'll be here around the same time . We can research it together , if you would like ? " It was fairly obvious that he meant to meet me again tonight , so I just pre - empted his needing to insist on it . " Just go in and tell Abigail you 'll be meeting me and she can let you in before I get here . " " I don 't know exactly how helpful I am being . I seem to be stopping you every time you get started . " I smiled awkwardly at him , " but you 're welcome . " I turned and walked down the street , bathed in the golden glow of the rising sunlight . I saw him walking up the stairs to the front door as I crossed the street . Strangely , I liked the idea of seeing him again that night , although I had to be very careful how I communicated to him . As I said before , it 's never a good idea to let law enforcement of any kind know that you 're a witch ; you might end up on the suspect list . I made a side trip to Amy 's place on my way home . I needed to at least leave her a note that I wanted to talk to her and what about . I didn 't think it was a good idea to get caught up in something like this without her knowing . She was my rock and surrogate older sister , she knew almost as much as I did without access to the extensive library and I relied on her common sense more often than was probably healthy . Besides , something like a pair of doors blocking a tunnel and trapping something dangerous between them was extremely important for her to know about , especially if I was assisting with translating the runes for a human policeman . " Alana . " Was all she said , rolling her eyes and glaring out of her kitchen window . She laughed ruefully and looked back at me , " She has a new man , and he 's apparently a werewolf . " " She knows better than that . She has the kids to think about ! " I coughed a little to clear my throat , but another sip of tea was what did the trick . " She came back last night when I called her . We fought and she took the kids home with her . I told her it was dangerous , and stupid , and she had to think about her kids first . " Amy gave me the rueful smile again , " Of course she didn 't listen to me . " " She said that I don 't know anything about werewolves . That he was not like the werewolves we 've met before , he 's been great with the kids , steady job . " Amy gestured with her hand as she ticked off the list , " You know Alana , she had an argument against every reason I gave her . " " She 'll find out soon enough . The moment his alpha calls him away . She 'll see where she rates on his list of important things . " I sighed and looked down into my cup of tea , " How are the kids with it ? " " Alana really would stop speaking to you then . " I gave her hand a squeeze . Alana was , technically , a grown woman and capable of taking care of herself . There wasn 't much that Amy or I could do to protect her from the trouble she got herself into , but her children were another matter entirely . They couldn 't protect themselves from the trouble their mother brought home . I was right , though , Alana would merrily murder both of us if she even suspected either Amy or I of putting protection spells over her children without her permission . We were left to worry and try to be subtle about listening in , our hands essentially tied behind our backs . " Did you have a good night at work ? " Amy changed the subject , as the current one was best left where it was . I bit my lip , trying to determine how to start , and Amy was immediately alert , " What happened ? " " Well , a city detective was researching underground tunnels for a case he has been working on and I helped him find the map he needed . When he left , he forgot to take one of his case photographs with him , and what it was of has me a little worried . " I wrapped my hands around my mug and looked over at her cautiously expectant face . I went on , " It was a picture of a metal door that was barred in place somewhere underground . The runes carved on and around the door indicated that it has a pretty powerful set of locking and protection spells on it . It 's sealing off one end of an old slave tunnel , so I 'm pretty sure the other end of the tunnel must be sealed as well with the same kind of door . Amy , I don 't like the look of that door . It 's sealing something really bad in there and I 'm worried that the police might have stumbled on something that could be extremely dangerous if we aren 't involved . " " Where is this tunnel ? We should probably take a look at those runes , get a feel for the site itself before we jump to any conclusions . " She sipped her tea , but her eyes glinted at me over the rim . She was taking this as seriously as I thought it should be , but her common sense was shining through as always . " The end that the police know about is somewhere north east of Patterson Park , in the slums there , but the police probably have it under surveillance . The detective mentioned something about thinking a suspect must have used the doors to escape , but I don 't think anyone could open those doors without some serious magic . They are probably keeping too close an eye on it that we wouldn 't get caught sneaking a peek . " I sipped my tea as Amy waited , and then continued " The other end of the tunnel comes out somewhere near the harbor . I have a copy of the old map in the library , I am sure we could locate it from the other end . " " Do that , we can take a look tomorrow afternoon . He 's coming again tonight ? " She eyed me over the edge of her mug as she sipped . " Yes , he wants me to try to translate what the runes mean . I 'm going to do my best , but I think playing the amateur is the best way to keep him from figuring the rest out . " She nodded and stood up from the table . " I 'll help . What did you want to make ? " I slid back my chair and went to the cupboard . I could hear the sound of Charlotte stirring upstairs . It would be best to keep our conversation between us until Amy and I could determine how serious those doors might be . I decided to arrive at the library an hour early . Abigail only gave me a slightly upraised eyebrow , but my early arrival was not totally abnormal . I didn 't pay for internet , not when I had the free internet from the library available to me . I sometimes showed up a little early and checked email on one of the computers in the back . Abigail would not bother me in the back unless I was late to relieve her . I slipped back through the offices and to the main door of the supernatural collection . I wasted no time once inside in locating the most reliable book on runes before slipping back out of the collection and sitting at one of the available computers . Abigail stuck her head in about ten minutes later , as I was closing the browser and shouldering my work bag . " I told him I would help him with some references to the maps he was researching last night . " I walked to the door with her , " He should have a copy request for one of the maps . Did he give it to you ? I don 't know what needs to be done with it . " The detective was perusing the books in one of the nearby stacks when I left the main desk to find him . He was wearing a different shirt and blazer , but looked nearly identical to when I last saw him . He turned from the stacks and smiled at me . " I think so , but I haven 't had a chance to read through the books I found . " He approached and I had to crane my neck a little to look up at him . " Do you have the copy request for the map ? Abigail needs to take care of that before she leaves . Why don 't you talk to her about it while I get started and we can talk after your done ? " It took a little while longer for Abigail to complete his request than it did for me to complete my list . I nodded at both of them and slipped back into the stacks , taking the book on runes with me . I hid at one of the side desks , flipping through the pages , until I found the chapter that I thought would be the most helpful . I was reading one particularly interesting passage when I felt someone standing behind me and looked up . " I might have , but I 'm not sure . Information on runes is mostly speculative , as everything that has ever been written about them started thousands of years after they stopped being used . " I lifted the book , indicating the embellished page , " It was also written by ardent Christians who viewed runes as the devil 's language , so half of it you can 't believe . " " But those doors aren 't as old as runes , so maybe the translation will still mean the same thing . " He slipped the photo from the folder in his briefcase . " Can we get started ? " " Is Abigail gone for the night ? Lenny needs to lock the doors , and I can meet you at the front desk . " After a moments hesitation , I handed him the book , marking the page with my finger as I handed it over . " it will only take five minutes . I think that part is a good place to start , if you wanted to catch up . " Lenny was already bolting the front door and gave me a conspiratorial wink as I checked on him . I just shook my head and walked up the main hall to the front desk . Detective Blackwolf had not sat down but was on the public side of the desk , hunched over the book as he read . I already knew he was having a hell of a time reading it . " Really ? I can 't read it . " he followed me in and I pulled Abigail 's chair from the second computer over to the desk space for him to sit in . " Well , the beginning chapters all talk about the historical origins of runes and how their uses have changed . This part basically leads into a lexicon of runes and what they mean on their own . There 's a short section that mentions that the order of runes changes their meaning , or that the meaning of some runes becomes mute when coupled with other runes , like supporting information to the main rune . " I looked at his hopeful face , and dreaded dashing it , as I was about to fudge the truth in a major way " But it doesn 't go any more in depth than that and , to my knowledge , the library doesn 't have a better source that says anything like that . So , the best we can do tonight is translate each of the runes on the door , but I don 't know that it will be accurate . " " I would assume that it does , but this book doesn 't go much more in depth than that . And I would also assume that the specific order of the runes indicates meaning as well , like how we place certain words in a sentence and give them vocal stresses to indicate emotion or multiple meanings . But that 's not what 's in here . " I bit my lip . " I think you might need to find an expert on that . " Identifying the runes was harder than I had anticipated . First of all , the picture , while fairly clear , did not do a very good job of indicating some of the more detailed parts of runes . To make matters worse , as I was holding a magnifying glass up to the photo to try and determine what one rune was , I noticed a second set of runes carved intricately within the edges of each of the main runes . They had literally been carved into the edges of the indentations that made up the first set of runes , making it clear that they were present but unclear as to what they were . The detective let out a frustrated sigh as I pointed it out to him . " I hate to say it , but this would be easier if we had the door in front of us . " I did hate saying it , not just because I knew his answer already , but because the second set of runes adorning the edges of the main runes made my stomach flip twice . I had never heard of runes adorning runes , but I was sure it meant much more serious trouble lurked behind that door . " I can 't , not that I don 't want to , but it 's part of an ongoing investigation . I can 't let you near it . " He sighed and ran his hand through his black hair , smiling ruefully at me , " Wish I could , though . You 're the first helpful person I 've found . " " I 'm sorry to hear that . I don 't think I 'm being all that helpful , considering that I just created another problem for you . " I chewed my lip . Part of me was bothered that I couldn 't help him more , but these were witch matters and he could get seriously hurt , or killed , if I told him too much and let him go at it . Amy would have told me that , and I knew I didn 't want to see anything bad happen to this man , so I had to keep my mouth shut and wait to talk this over with Amy . " Well , at least I have a better starting point . Maybe I can hit up one of the universities in this town and find myself a rune expert . " He glanced down at his watch , " Wow , I didn 't realize it was after 10 . I need to get going . " I helped the detective get his papers cleaned up , as they had somehow managed to migrate over the whole desk . Most of them were legal pad paper covered with the different runes and the translation from the lexicon in my source . I closed the book and was laying it on the back desk when he stopped me . " Can I get the title and author of that book ? I 'm probably going to need it later . " He pulled his nearly full pad out again . " Sure . Um … Just don 't ask Abigail about it . It 's part of a private collection that we aren 't supposed to have access to . " I felt like kicking myself . I should have known he would ask and just stuck with the crap resources in the main collection . " I don 't really know . They 're just way more interesting than the books out here . " I shrugged as he handed me the book back . " Monday works , only I hope you find better resources than me . I don 't have much else to help you out with . " I gave him a smile as he slipped through the front door .
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Other great things are happening for us as well , the main one being the new Friday the 13th video game . Kane Hodder resumes the character of Jason Voorhees , for those who might not know this Kane has played him in four different films , beginning with Friday the 13th Part 7 . I was lucky enough to be the Assistant Stunt Coordinator , and if you like action and horror , boy , is this the game for you ! As many of you are aware Kane gets a little rambunctious when he is doing a project , as he totally gets into being that character , which really makes for a terrifying performance , and if you happen to be a victim , you will have bruises to show your grandchildren . It 's not one way either . . if you go after him in a fight scene you better not go easy , because Kane expects to take as well as dish it out . As for me , I was hit on the head with a plastic bucket , punched in the jaw , kicked in the stomach , and later in the back . . AND THAT WASN " T EVEN DURING FILMING ! Nick Groff : Paranormal Lockdown April 7 , 2016 Several years ago , Kane Hodder , RA Mihailoff and I were guests on the TV show Ghost Adventures , and I am glad to say we are still friends with all the guys , so when I heard that Nick was doing a new show called Paranormal Lockdown I knew I had to interview him . He agreed , and we set up a time for him to call me . He 's pretty busy with his new show ! Rick : Is there anything you want me to ask you about your new show ? Do you think this new format might open up something new in the paranormal field ? Nick : I 'm pretty open minded , you know me , you 've known me for a long time , I 'm pretty straight forward , and honest , and honestly , I 'm really excited about this show , not just because It 's me doing a show , more or less because I 'm super passionate about the subject matter and I 've been wanting to do this for so long , and I just feel like this is the future of what paranormal should be conducted as . We 're just in a weird period of life where there are so many paranormal shows , there is so much paranormal happening that I think sometimes you need to step outside the box a little bit and revolutionize it , so I 'm really excited about it . Nick : Honestly , I 've gone through life , through so many different experiences that there comes a point where you start theorizing , you start thinking deep , what is death , what is next and you see some family members that pass on , aunts and uncles that pass that you are really close to , and you start questioning things . I think of what has happened to me throughout my last couple of years , at locations where we are going in just wild as youngsters looking for experiences , but once you start having experiences and you grow a little bit wiser and older , when you start questioning a little bit more , how is that possible , you try to explain things a little bit and put some logical explanation behind it . So I 'm kind of at that point in my life where I want to discover something new within in the paranormal field , and now we label stuff as people , as the human race , stuff that 's unknown because we don 't understand it yet , but we haven 't actually categorized it as a name . We haven 't put a definitive name on something we discovered , kind of like scientists are discovering new things with the universe , landing on comets and going to Pluto , and crazy stuff like that , so I want to discover something new in the paranormal field that would revolutionize the way we look at things in our life before I pass on , in this world . I want to be that guy who has that discovery . Rick : I think we all want that , everybody in the paranormal . You 've always sounded more passionate about it , more realistic about the whole deal . I 'm the same way , I 'm not really going into a place to get scared , I want to get something that I can show somebody and say " there it is " , so there is no question what they are looking at . . Nick : Exactly , I mean , here 's the thing , no matter who you are , what your background is , the human nature of your senses as a human being , you 're going to get startled , regardless , some people are getting more startled than others , obviously , and a lot of that plays into it . You are going into an extremely haunted location , now the locations we are going to for Paranormal Lockdown are researched heavily so they are extremely haunted , before we even get there . So I 'm not just going to a location saying oh we heard all these reported legends and mysteries and these paranormal investigators that had been there , and they are saying we saw shadow figures , and they saw this and that and then that 's the typical norm of how these shows have become . With me , for Paranormal Lockdown , I 'm going in and I 'm researching , like this one location I 've been researching for fifteen years , Franklin Castle in Cleveland , we finally convinced the owner after long conversations to allow us to investigate it for three days straight which is the concept of our show Paranormal Lockdown so , the concept is OK . I 've been in locations from overnight , 7 hours , 12 hours , dusk ' til dawn , at a length , that 's the longest I 've been at a location sometimes , so usually typically when you are investigating things get intense sometimes at really haunted locations , and you don 't have time to try and take that even further so I 'm at the period of my life where I 've been doing this so long , ten years now , professionally , I want to take it further . What is the breaking point ? What mentally , physically , emotionally , just everything all kind of put together and is it possible if we stay at these locations longer where you saw an apparition , or you saw this figure , would that appear where we can possibly capture on our high tech equipment that we have , that we are evolving right now for the future . We 're using state of the art cameras that are actually just ground breaking I feel , they are 6K that can see in all dynamics of light , Rick : Oh yeah . Nick : That 's our show , that 's exactly what we 're doing , we 're staying there for three days straight , pretty much 72 hours straight , picture 26 hours in , you 're there day one , and this is exactly how it 's happening in some of the experiences we 've already gone through in some of the locations and suddenly you have these experiences , you hear the voices , you hear the noises , right ? As a logical thinker , as you and I are , we try to figure it out , but you can 't figure it out . And then you have some more experiences . It 's weird , because I feel that when you get into day two , you start becoming a little bit more a part of the environment and the spirits or whoever is there start to realize they can communicate with you and it becomes more aware , and you become more alert , and more things start happening , which is wild . Now where it gets really scary at some of these locations a that are more negative and when we actually have to go to sleep for about two or three hours or whatever it is because eventually your mind and your body shut down , you have to lay down , or else your body will just give up . So about twenty six hours in there becomes a point where we have put our cot or sleeping bag out , I usually will pick an extremely haunted spot , because it 's supposed to be haunted , I want to capture , I want to document , I want to experience things , so like I said we can discover something . So that 's where I become a little nervous is when I become vulnerable , when my eyes shut , my mind kind of stops to hibernate for that second , where you are just lying there . Nick : Yeah , there will be a point where we will need l to get like two hours sleep , 26 hours in , it 's like 4AM , on day one , night one , so she will go to a separate part of the location in the building , and she 'll stay there , and I 'll go to another part of the building that is reportedly one of the extremely haunted spots and I 'll stay there too . And then if one wakes up before the other , then we 'll grab our camera off the tripod , and I 'll go off and find her , and it 's pretty hilarious sometimes , because I 'll find her and she 'll still be under her sleeping bag , and I 'll be like " hello " , she 'll come up out of her sleeping bag and her eyes are shut , and she 's like " what 's going on ? " , and she 'll look at me . . it 's such a surreal experience , it 's super genuine , it 's really how it 's done , we 're living , we 're sleeping , we 're eating at these locations , we don 't leave , sometimes I 'm so nervous that I keep my boots on for three days straight , even when I 'm sleeping , because I don 't know when I 'm going to have to jump up and chase a ghost or a sound or something wakes me up , or something happens . The first time I did that , I took my shoes off on day three when I left the location for good , and my foot was almost white from no blood circulation . Nick : Interesting , I used to say Bobby Mackey 's , but I went back there recently in the beginning of the year , not for Paranormal Lockdown but for the Nick Groff Tour we were doing . For personal reasons I came to the conclusion to never say you 'll never do something ever again , so I 'm at that part of my life where I 'm never going to say I 'm not going to say I don 't want to do that , I 'm going to say it 's possible that I could do things that maybe my mind tells me no to do sometimes , but maybe that 's just my crazy personality , you know have such a severe experience , or something like that happens that you want to question it further , and you want to go back and engage it more because of those scenarios . Sometime I think I just get into that mentality . Nick : When you walk on the field you just feel it , you feel that emotion , that energy just lingering , you a hundred thousand deaths , whatever the exact , the bloodiest battle that ever took place on American soil , so imagine being there watching it unfold , it would be really gripping , be kind of disgusting and sad , but at the same time it would be interesting to see what would happen when the smoke settles and the war is done , and all the bodies are there , would there be any apparitions still walking around ? That 's how I look at things . What would happen with the spiritual energy after the fact while the bodies are still laid out ? I 'm not talking about now . Nick : Next time you go to Scotland and you need a partner , let me know . It 's taken a little longer to get this out due to a redo of the magazine website , but it has given me a chance to see the first two episodes . I really like this show , the format is new and fresh , Katrina Weidman and Nick Groff are excellent together , the new Geo Box is something new and fascinating , and I can 't wait to get my hands on one of them . I heartily recommend it ! then had to go to Chicago to work on my mother 's house so I could sell it , then on to Nashville for the Home Show we run . Because of this , I had very little time to plan out where to stay or where to go , so I was really in the dark about a lot of things , and never really had a chance to get excited about my trip being so busy with everything else . Right after the Home Show , I flew to Chicago , spent a week clearing everything out of the house , and cleaning it top to bottom , it is three and a half stories , so it was pretty intense getting it done , and then I flew to Los Angeles , where I had a total of two days to grab everything and head off on the trip I had been waiting years for . As I landed in Edinburgh and grabbed my bag , I headed up to a man who worked there and asked him where a cab would be . He asked me where I was going , then told me the cab would cost fifty dollars , but if I went out front and grabbed the bus , it was only seven dollars ! I jumped on that bus as quick as I could , then realized other than knowing the address of the Travelodge , I had no idea where I was going . I went up front and asked the driver , who told me he would call out to me when it was my turn to get off . After about a half an hour , he called me to the front of the bus , and I could see the hotel in front of me , about a block walk . Perfect ! He said hold up mate , it 's a bit tricky to find the entrance to the hotel , you have to go down the side and in through the alley . . It would have taken me quite a while to find it , but $ 43 dollars ahead of the game , thanks to very helpful people , I found the alley , and as I stood looking at the building I thought this hotel might not be what I was looking for as far as a place to stay , but I was totally wrong . . Without anywhere else to go , I headed in , where I met the desk clerk Alan . I told him I was there for my first real vacation , and he made sure I got a room with a view , and it was magnificent ! It was a huge room , and check out the photo of my view ! I was also fortunate to meet Anna , who helped me get a room at another hotel when theirs was full , and Michael who guarded my luggage like a pit bull . Once again , great people , extremely helpful . Alan and I would chat a lot at that front desk , as he would tell me what to see and how to get there , which , seeing as I was right on the main street across from Edinburgh Castle , was very busy with tourists , and you could walk most everywhere , and there was so many interesting things and so much history , you would walk up and down those hills all day and not realize you had probably done close to ten miles . . One thing I noticed walking up those hills , some fairly steep , is that the girls have definitely benefitted from walking all those hills . . hey , I 'm single and on vacation , I 'm allowed to notice ! One of the things I really wanted to see was Rosslyn Chapel , which was in the DaVinci Code movie , and where many experts believe the Knights Templar hid the Holy Grail . Alan at the front desk of the Travelodge told me where to catch the bus , it was only about 150 yards from the hotel , and it was only three dollars to get to the chapel . It was a double decker bus , so of course I went up top to see the sights , and as I was riding along , once again I realized I didn 't know where to get off . I asked the lady next to me if she knew what stop I should get off at , and she said she would tell me when to head downstairs . A bit later she said next stop , dang these people are so nice ! I went down to the front of the bus and asked the driver how to get to the Chapel as he pulled to a stop . . He chuckled , pointed straight ahead and said " go down that road , and you 'll walk right in the front door " Yes , I realize Rosslyn Chapel and the city it resides in are spelled differently . Who knew ? Rosslyn Chapel After I had exited the bus , I had a nice walk , only a couple hundred yards until I got to the Chapel . . It has a gift shop where you can grab a sandwich or something to drink , as well as a souvenir shop . I paid for my ticket , and headed onto the Chapel grounds . I walked all around the Chapel , I was in no hurry at all , I had wanted to come here for a long , long time , so I was enjoying all I could . . I went into the Chapel , which isn 't as big as I would have thought , but it was awesome ! The hand carved wood and stone work was amazing , and a lady walked in , had us sit in the pews , and told us the history of the place . I won 't go into all of it , but one of the things that really caught my interest was a carving in the stone of what was obviously corn . Why is that interesting ? I 'm glad you asked . . At the time the Chapel was built , no one had yet been to America , the only place corn grows . Told you it was interesting ! I went over everything , thinking I might actually be standing in the place where the Holy Grail may have been , and some scholars think the Ark of the Covenant may have been there as well . Something about the Chapel , its history , the whole surrounding area really felt like home to me , I know I have ancestors from Scotland , but I really liked this place . If you go to the Chapel the grounds around it are full of cool things , the parts of a castle destroyed by the British , two old time cemeteries , The Chapel Cross Guesthouse The inn was a very old period type , with a desk in the entry for the hotel , and to the right was a Tea Room . I wandered into it and was transported back to another time . There was a young girl named Beth there behind the counter , maybe 15 , and dressed in a long , old time apron . I thought I had walked through a portal , what a great place ! I went to the counter and checked the menu , ordered a sandwich and an iced tea . The girl brought it over , and a lady came out of the kitchen . I was the only customer there , so we all talked while I ate . Once again , the Scottish people are so nice ! It 's enormous , and everything is pretty much the same from it was first built . OK history buffs , the English burned it down , all except for one room , but the Scots took it back and rebuilt it . I was anxious to see it , because I am supposed to be related to King Malcolm , my last name comes from Malcolm , and I wasn 't disappointed , I found four King Malcolm 's on their Wall of Kings . ( I think I should have gotten a discount on my admission ) ! Back to the Chapel Cross Guesthouse and right outside the hotel is a courtyard that is next to their bar / restaurant , which is a meeting place for the locals ( and tourists ) . . I had several dinners there , everyone was excellent , as were the people who work there . I met the owners of The Chapel Cross , Richard and Amy , really nice people who made sure I enjoyed my stay , especially the waffles I had every morning ! I had an adorable server named Abigail ; you can see her picture wearing one of our Hollywood Ghost Hunter shirts . This place was so comfortable for me , I ended up staying five days all together , and I am going back in June . The Guesthouse , as a matter of fact the entire area is a total gem of a place to kick back and just roam the countryside . I went to Rosslyn Chapel several times , went down to a field where William Wallace of Braveheart fame socked it out with the British , as well as a cave where he used to hide from the British , I 'll talk more about that in this issues Group of the Month . . I can 't wait to get back to the Guesthouse ! Group of the Month : Premier Paranormal Tours April 7 , 2016 A few issues ago , I wrote about wanting to go ghost hunting in Scotland , and if anybody there had any suggestions . I got a lot of great responses , including one from Gary Hugill , who introduced me to another member of the group , Premier Paranormal Tours , his name is Brian Harley , who had some great suggestions on places to hunt around Edinburgh , so we agreed to meet when I got there . Brian came to the Travelodge where I was staying , we grabbed a bite to eat and set up a game plan . Now , the first thing I noticed is that he was wearing a black trench coat and one of those black hats the bad guy always wear in the spy movies , and gave him a strong resemblance to Boris Badenov of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame . OK , now that I have figured out what I 'm going to call him , we set up a hunt at Hailes Castle for the following night . Brian , AKA Boris came and got me , and he brought along another member of his group , Carol Ann Hosburgh , a really sweet girl who I would come to find out was totally fearless . We headed out to the castle , which wasn 't but about a half hour away , and as we went down this dark curvy road I asked them if we were going to get in trouble wandering around in the dark , he said Scotland is a lot more open when it comes to ghost hunting , so everything would be fine , last thing I want to do on my vacation is to get thrown into the hoosegow ! There were a few houses we went by , but when we got to the castle , it sat all alone in this big field , very isolated , very quiet with only the moon for illumination , it was classic ! It was eerie moonlight , an abandoned run down castle , exploring time ! We walked about two hundred yards , and as we got close , you could see parts of it had either been destroyed or caved in , it had been cleaned up , but a fantastic place for my first hunt in Scotland . . A quick tour of the castle showed it to be very large , with several different areas to explore . Choosing the bottom floor , we started our investigation , where we did voice recordings , EMF detectors , and carefully swept the entire room with my night vision camera , but it was very quiet , so we headed up to the room upstairs . As we went through the door , I had a very strong feeling something was on the grounds with us , about a hundred yards away . . Brian went down a ways to check , and when he got back , he said there was no one there . Still , I could feel something out there , so I would look out the door from time to time . Nothing was happening on that floor so we went around to the back and down some stairs to an area where prisoners were held underground , there was a grate with a lock on it in the floor that led straight down for about eight feet . . Carol Ann laid down on her stomach and looked in . In all the time we were at the castle my K2 meter did not go up even a single light , we were in the middle of nowhere with no electricity or outside influences that might make it go off , so were all got a major surprise when Carol Ann stuck her face against the grate and yelled " HELLO " . . the K2 meter instantly lit up with all five lights flashing for about 10 seconds , as if she had scared something to flee from underground . . See , I told you she was fearless ! After that , I had to give her a nickname , Carol Ann doesn 't sound like a tough ghost hunting name , so I started calling her the Castle Raider . . Leaving that area , we headed again to the top floor , and once again I felt a presence about a hundred yards away in the tall grass , the same place as before , we stopped and looked , and all of a sudden I see what looks like the light from one of those old fashioned lanterns that they used back in older times . We watched it , Boris and the Castle Raider finally saw it . We were trying to figure out exactly where it was , the houses were that direction but much farther to the right across the road . While we were looking , the light started moving further into the tall grass , we watched it for maybe 10 seconds as it moved , then it went out . Hard to imagine why anyone would be out there at roughly two in the morning , walk into field and then turn off their light , or even why I had felt them over there all night . . very interesting . . we called it a night and they took me back to the Chapel Cross Guesthouse . . we made plans to go to Greyfriars and the South Bridge Vaults . Edinburgh at night is a great place to walk around ; the Edinburgh Castle all lit up in the background , the entire city lights up all those historic buildings , hills and streets . You can let your imagination take you back in time , the history seems to wash over you in waves . I love the feeling you get here . We first went to Greyfriars , a very famous cemetery surrounded by old time buildings and monuments . Brian told us there were thousands of people buried there , one of the most occupied cemeteries anywhere , but it is not like you think . . most of the graves are behind a gate , so you can 't really see them , but it is a really interesting place . Brian and Alex were walking ahead of me and Carol Ann , it was fall , so there were lots of leaves on the ground , when we heard very distinct footsteps to our right , about twenty feet away , it went on for several seconds then stopped , but definitely something was up , as we both turned to look to see who was there . Nobody , nothing , the leaves weren 't even moving . Nice start for the night ! Brian took us over to the City of Edinburgh Tours , where Josh took us first back to Greyfriars , it was cool to be on the tour , Josh was an excellent guide and we learned even more , then it was on to the South Bridge Vaults , where William led us on a tour of the underground vaults , and told us of a lady in white who appears at the end of the hallway on occasion , and dolls that move in another section . One word of caution : if you are tall , pay attention as you go through doorways , the people were a lot shorter back when they built the vaults , I found that out by bashing my head in the dark . . I should have listened to William , he warned us earlier ! I couldn 't believe that we were getting this place to ourselves , and we started right in . The place where the lady in white was repeatedly seen was at the end of the hallway , and there were a few steps to go up , and ended about three feet high . I asked them to turn out the lights and went up the stairs , crawled under the overhang and sat down cross legged on the floor , and the Castle Raider used my night vision camera to film it . I had a K2 meter and voice recorder , but was getting no results . After about fifteen minutes I looked out and Carol Ann ( Castle Raider ) was looking directly at me , still filming , when I noticed she was talking to someone . I crawled from under the small room , and asked her who she was talking to . She said she had been talking to Brian , and she seemed shocked when I told her that while she was talking there was no one else in the tunnel , actually no one but me anywhere near her . She said she was positive someone was there , when right then Brian walked up from the other part of the vault . She asked if he had been standing right next to her and he said no , he was in the other room , he and Alex had been trying to see if they could get the dolls to move , but no luck . Carol Ann was absolutely positive someone had been standing next to her , but I told her I saw her the whole time she was filming , and she was always alone . Pretty cool ! This place is getting some energy flowing ! We did some still photos next , they set up a laser grid in the tunnel , and I used my phone to snap some pictures , and I aimed my camera at the spot where they would see the lady in white . I snapped two pictures in a row , you can see them below . . The red dots are the laser grid . In the first picture the tunnel is clear , in the second picture there is something person sized in white at the end of the tunnel , right where people see the lady . . Is it her ? Or is it an anomaly of the camera ? I 'll let you make up your own mind . We started to wind down the hunt , when Brian suggested one more room , we searched it , and Carol Ann , Alex and I walked out and sat on a bench . . We could hear Brian talking in the other room . When he stepped out he saw me and looked startled . He said " how long have you been out here " ? We told him we had all been there several minutes . Brian seemed perplexed , saying he had been talking to me in the other room , he thought I was standing next to him . Sound a little familiar ; it is exactly the same thing that had happened to Carol Ann . Now these are no newbies when it comes to ghost hunting , so I think it has a good deal of credibility , they are not the types to make things up or mistake someone standing next to them . I wonder if other people that have gone there have had the same experience . The following day Boris and the Castle Raider stopped by the Guesthouse to chat , and I told them of all the things I 'd seen around Rosslyn Chapel , but the one thing I missed but really wanted to see was the cave where William Wallace of Braveheart fame would hide while the British were hunting for him . I 'd tried to find it , no luck , and one of the guides at the Chapel said there was a landslide , a lady broke her leg and you couldn 't get there right now . Boris immediately said " come on , I 'll show it to you " . We jumped in his car and drove to a farm type place and got out . I said is it OK to be on this property ? He said you needed permission , and he had it , so the three of us went about a quarter of a mile when we came to a steep downslope which turned into about a fifty foot drop . We proceed slowly and very carefully . As we reached a granite slab we stopped and looked at the view , which was fantastic . I realized I was on the other side of the creek from Rosslyn Chapel and never would have been able to find this place on my own . I looked to Boris and said " I don 't see a cave " , he chuckled and said " you 're standing on it " . Boris led me and the Castle Raider down and around the granite to a steep down slope again , only this one went right to the edge of the drop off , and the fall would definitely put a severe hurting on you , at least . There was a path about two feet wide that went from the rock face on one side , and the drop on the other , so we moved very carefully for about thirty feet and there it was , the entrance to the cave . We went in , it was bigger than I thought it would be , and I can see why no one ever found him , it was almost impossible to find , very easily defended , all he had to do was poke anyone who tried to come with his sword and they would fall over the drop off . We checked it out for a while then made our way back to the Guesthouse . Chase Kloetzke is a UFO Investigator as well as radio talk show host . She is a Mufon special assignment team leader and is the Assistant National Director of Mufon in Mexico . Chase is also a member of Mufon 's International Star Team , reporting to 14 other countries and helping investigators overseas . Tom . There is so much for me to talk with you about . Let me start by asking how long you have been a Ufologist and what got you started . Chase : My interest in Ufology started as a teen . I read Erich Von Daniken 's book ' Chariots of the God 's ' in 1994 . I then entered the field of Ufology , became a Ufologist , and have been investigating mysteries ever since . Chase : My first investigation was assigned to me by Mufon in 1996 and I couldn 't help but get excited when the phone rang . I dove right in and worked the claims . What I mean by that is I always approach things like an engineer and work the problems . I am always looking for admissibility and to meet the burden of proof ; it 's very difficult when you are looking for things that are not supposed to exist . Chase : My most favorite case was in Tennessee . One night there was a terrible thunderstorm and this woman was convinced that a grey entity was looking at her through her window . The next day she had found a very strange substance outside her window and was convinced it was extraterrestrial in nature . I got the call to join the state investigator at the site . My job was to gather the evidence and examine the substance she had found . The woman was an eccentric older lady , with Elvis memorabilia all around her home . I remember having such a good time chatting with her about how much she loved him . I collected the sappy - crust like substance , and it was weird . I could not find a sample anywhere else on her property except under the window . I sent it to the lab to be forensically processed and tested by a chemist , and it turned out to be a substance found in miraclegro . The lady insisted I talk to her girlfriend Shirley who was also convinced the substance was extraterrestrial . I then explained my entire process of investigation and the lab results from the chemist to her friend Shirley …………… by the way , her friend turned out to be none other than Shirley MacLaine . Chase : Absolutely Rendlesham . Ya know Tom , I say that because I have the memory of the first time I heard the accounts from the witnesses , and Colonel Halt who said he saw this light coming down , or this stuff coming from this object that looks very much like molten metal . I never forgot that because as an investigator I have always been drawn to , and seem to identify with what he said since my forte is physical evidence . I know what the investigative procedure should have been , but over the years I 've never heard anybody talk about going back to see what that substance was or what fell from that object . Why didn 't somebody do that ? After asking that question over and over in my career , I 've always gotten the answer that nobody knows if anyone ever has . That would be the case I wish I could have investigated , only because in my view it was such a missed opportunity . Chase : The first thing I would do is contact the witness . That is the most important thing to do in order to document the witness statement properly . If we find a piece of metal , it 's just a piece of metal until the witness gives you an event around it . Then , depending on what they 're telling me , I need to figure out what direction to go in with my investigation . Sometimes I would deal with the physical evidence , other times I would probably just canvas the area . We work the case , work the leads , and always look for ways to go back and find proof . If there 's a witness , we work off what they tell us . Sometimes it leads us to a brick wall and that 's okay because you can rule things out and not waste time . Chase : I collect it ; in fact I collect every possible thing I can . I collect more than I need and as much as I can . I have spent a lot of time honing my evidence collection skills and my forensic skills . I realized a long time ago that the forensic and scientific part of every investigation is going to be just an important as the witness testimony . Each type of substance and material is different and collected differently . There are processes that the labs require before they will even look at it . Chase : There 's a line in the sand . We have a community that believes that the extraterrestrials have our best interest in mind , and then we have just as many on the other side that say they don 't . There 's no empirical evidence on one side or the other yet for us to make a call , and as an investigator , I don 't have the luxury to have an opinion about that . When we speak about certainties , and you have the responsibility and title of an investigator , you are held to a higher standard and there 's not enough conclusive evidence on either side to say exactly what their agenda is …………… . . good or bad . Tom : I know that we both knew an amazing man and Ufologist by the name of Dr . Roger Leir . The work he did was incredible and the whole UFO community misses him immensely . You did some work with Dr . Leir and I 'm wondering if you could tell me a little bit about your relationship with him and give me your thoughts on a man that I consider one of the top Ufologists of all time . Chase : I really miss him because he was very conscientious and did such great work with his alien implant removal surgeries . Roger had such a wealth of information and foundation of knowledge , and that is what you really need to make a difference . For him to do the research that he did , come so close to satisfying that burden of proof each time , and to have this device that you open up that science will fully admit they can 't explain , is amazing . I love the work that he did because these were anomalous devices that were completely taken out of people and looked at through science , although still unexplained . Chase : I did and it was incredible . I watched through a video monitor and it was an amazing experience . Now since the witness was one of mine , I had the job , once the implant was removed , of getting it to the lab , processing it , and maintaining the chain of custody . To this day , we have not gone public with the case since the witness requested it to remain private . Tom : Chase I have to ask you ; do you blame those who have had a UFO sighting or have maybe been abducted for not coming out with the experience for fear of being labeled a quack or unstable ? Chase : I don 't blame them at all . At times , the UFO Community has not treated witnesses well at all . We will ask them to please come forward and talk about their experiences because it 's very important for our research and for the world to know . It 's also important for other people who are experiencing the same type of phenomena to hear what they went through . The problem is that a lot of times we would need to end our cases because we weren 't prepared to help the witness through the criticisms and the ridicule . Take a look at the famous case of Travis Walton ; he has never even reported being abducted . Travis took a lie detector test and jumped through hoops , and yet there are still people that say they don 't believe him . I 'm very protective of my witnesses , and encourage them to come forward , but only if they are comfortable doing so . Chase : I do , I really do . I think there 's been an acceptance and I think that humanity is not only ready but we need it . We need to know the truth about extraterrestrials . I think knowing will make us better human beings . Chase : I believe they are hiding evidence that UFOs are absolutely real and they have visited our Earth . I don 't believe it 's the whole government , rather the cover - up comes from a shadow government within the government that control so much . They don 't really care about the world stage ; they care more about the impact of advanced knowledge . Chase : Because they lose power , the elite would lose power . Knowledge is power ; this has nothing to do with money , it 's about the knowledge that is the power . They are secret keepers Tom , they hold so many keys we can 't touch them . For instance , they don 't tell the president of the United States because he is on a need - to - know basis . It won 't help him make better decisions about the United States so why let him know ? Chase : I like to use the words shadow government because those are the secret keepers and the ones that are really in control . There is a school of thought that has been developing that the Extra Terrestrials are actually the ones that control the information ; the ones that are in charge of the secrecy and have told our government to keep the truth from us . It 's something we have to consider . I do believe Tom , as an investigator in this field , I am seeing more and more information come out , and seeing just a hint of the government not being so concerned with investigators such as myself when it comes to the flow of information . Tom : I am curious as to why the aliens , the extraterrestrials themselves would not want to reveal themselves to us . They obviously have a clue that we know they are out there . So why ? Chase : What if they are here for natural resources ? Would that make us resist and get in their way ? What if this is indeed a breeding program like we suspect and hear from the abductees all the time ? There are a lot of reasons they would not want us to know they are here . When I think about it , I think it 's about the control over humanity . Chase : Well , it 's very apparent they are controlling us . Even the abductees will tell you they didn 't want to go with them but yet they find themselves going . The ETs will be very pleasant yet tell us nothing . Where 's our information ? It is absolutely controlling ! Tom : Chase , how many specific species of ETs do you think there are ? Chase : That is a very interesting question and I have no idea . There 's an alleged government document that says there are over 80 , and then we have other researchers who have come out and said that they 've trapped 60 . The truth is we don 't know . We have no idea how many there are and how many have visited us . Chase : What 's your agenda ? Why ? Why your interest with humanity ? What they need actually because they definitely want something or they would make their presence known . Tom : Chase , do you think disclosure will happen in our life time ? What do you think ? Chase : I do but that may be hopeful . The phenomenon is not going away . We are getting better and the evidence is piling up ; people have no idea how far we have come , we just have further to go . Chase : The first thing I 'd want them to know is that UFO investigators aren 't trying to prove that UFOs exist . We are looking for the truth behind reports from credible people that see things that are not supposed to exist . We 're looking for why certain events happen and the truth behind them . A lot of people think that UFO investigators are just looking to prove that the person saw a UFO … not true . To the second part of your question , I would like to teach people how to properly document witness testimony . I would like to teach people how to think like an investigator . Chase : I would tell them to find people that have a good resume . There are plenty of groups that will help you from the beginning . MUFON ( Mutual UFO Network ) I believe is the perfect step for anybody brand new . You join the organization and they have a field manual , there 's training , and they are set up so you can 't fail . If you 're not really experienced in abductees , you have people you can call that would be considered our best resources for experience . I think MUFON and some of the other groups ( I like MUFON ) are great for this . They have a team of conscientious people that can teach you the rules such as how investigators work with each other , what 's considered a big no no , and how to not hijack someone else 's case . There are rules that are considered ethical and if you can 't play nice , no one is going to call you . Chase : It hasn 't slowed down at all . The cases are coming in more and more . The ridicule factor is dwindling a bit . The internet , social media , and TV is helping to educate the public . We think people are more comfortable now with calling an investigator then they were say 20 years ago . Chase : I am . I 've done many paranormal investigations . I 've been in the swamps of Louisiana chasing the honey island swamp monster , I 've been deep in the caves and coal mines of Kentucky looking for the Indava . I 've looked for Bigfoot ! I love the mystery and I will go look . I love paranormal investigations . Tom : Chase , it 's been fascinating talking with you . Thank you for spending time with me today , and I would like you to give me your final thoughts . Chase : There are so many reasons to talk to an investigator and I want people to know that there is no reason anymore not to contact an investigator if you have been abducted , seen an ET , or just think that you might have seen something that needs investigating . There are plenty of good ones around to talk to . Tom : And there you have it . I love learning new things about people and sharing with others . Chase Kloetzke is a top notch investigator and SOMEONE YOU SHOULD KNOW ! Since the printing of this article , Chase has accepted an extraordinary challenge to re - open the investigation into the famous Star Child Skull . This skull is well known from the previous work of Lloyd Pye , but there are new developments and still direct indicators that have yet to be examined . Chase will start from the beginning as she re - tests the DNA and physical anomalies identified presently with the skull as she has recognized a series of new leads that must be examined . You can find information on this investigation and more @ www . chasekloetzke . com Location of the Month : The Whaley House April 7 , 2016 The Whaley House in San Diego is one of the most famous haunted locations in all of America , and I was really excited to be invited to ghost hunt there , it has been high on my " I got to go there " list for a long time . Kane and RA were out of town so I grabbed my buddy Louis Horowitz , he 's our location guy , and drove the two hours to get there . We were to meet two of the San Diego Ghost Hunters there , they had invited us , and we arrived about an hour early . This section of San Diego was not what I expected . When you are going to a haunted location you expect it to be run down , scary looking , but it wasn 't that at all . There were clubs , restaurants everywhere ; it was a very festive area , a really cool place to visit , so we grabbed something to eat next to the Whaley House . It was time to meet the ladies from the San Diego Ghost Hunters , Maritza Skandunas and Colleen Rose , so Louis and I headed over to meet them , and they introduced us to another woman who was waiting at the front door , her name is Jokie Tolentino , and she is the Director of Museum Services , and she was kind enough to join us ( actually , we wouldn 't have been there at all without her blessing ) , and she told us the history of the building , each room , absolutely a beautiful place , the rooms and history are so interesting I almost forgot about ghost hunting . . almost . As we went through the building , they told us of a man named Yankee Jim , here is the back story . . The earliest documented ghost at the Whaley House is " Yankee Jim . " James ( aka Santiago ) Robinson was convicted of attempted grand larceny in San Diego in 1852 , and hanged on a gallows off the back of a wagon on the site where the house now stands . The local newspaper reported that he " kept his feet in the wagon as long as possible , but was finally pulled off . He swung back and forth like a pendulum until he strangled to death . " Although Thomas Whaley had been a spectator at the execution , he did not let it dissuade him from buying the property a few years later and building a home for his family there . According to the San Diego Union , " soon after the couple and their children moved in , heavy footsteps were heard moving about the house . Whaley described them as sounding as though they were made by the boots of a large man . Finally he came to the conclusion that these unexplained footfalls were made by Yankee Jim Robinson . " Another source states that Lillian Whaley , the Whaley 's ' youngest daughter who lived in the house until 1953 , " had been convinced the ghost of " Yankee Jim " haunted the Old House . " A visitor to the museum in 1962 mentioned that " the ghost had driven her family from their visit there more than 60 years [ earlier ] , her mother was unnerved by the phantom walking noise and the strange way the windows unlatched and flew uWe all toured the building , the rooms are fantastic , it was like being taken back in time , a real piece of history you could experience firsthand . We saw a courtroom ( I bet Yankee Jim didn 't like that room ) , we saw a stage , every room told a story , the detail to attention to the time period makes this a very unique place . Oh , and did I mention that it is haunted ? We would hear things move in other rooms , you would get that feeling of energy surrounding you like someone is right next to you , but one of the best parts of the night was when Colleen and Louis were on the lower floor . Colleen and Maritza are there a lot and seem to have a good grasp on the spirits there ; including a woman they call Dangerous . They were doing an EVP session when Colleen started asking Dangerous questions , and when she said " what 's your real name , Dangerous " ? A very clear voice , definitely a Class A response said " sorry " . As the investigation was winding down we headed upstairs for one last look , where a very funny thing happened . The Whaley House is a very well - known haunted location , and people come to look at it often , even late into the evening . I was standing near a window that looked to the back of the building ; the window had a light drape covering it . I saw movement on the ground below through it , so I very slowly , now remember it is dark where we are , opened the curtain and moved into the window . There were two guys and a girl looking up with shocked faces , so I stood still , you could tell they saw me , but couldn 't see but a shadow . I waited about ten seconds so I could get their blood running , then I waved , and all three started laughing . I debunked myself , but they had a good scare , so it was worth it ! I had been wanting to ghost hunt there for so long , and to be able to do it with such a tiny group was quite an honor , and the drive there and back was definitely worth it . We had a great time , good people , and a great location . We couldn 't have asked for more . Thanks for the invite and the hospitality ! The Whaley House is an 1857 Greek Revival style residence , a California Historical Landmark , and museum located in Old Town , San Diego , California . It is currently maintained by Save Our Heritage Organization . For information on the museum , tours , and ghost tours please go to : http : / / www . whaleyhouse . org / A woman and her 18 month old daughter were in an automobile accident in Utah , where the car landed upside down in a river . It was fourteen hours before the police found the car . As they climbed down the embankment to get to the car , they could hear a woman 's voice calling out , saying " help us " Hearing the voice they frantically pried at the doors , and could still hear the voice calling for help . They were finally able to get inside , and found the baby upside down in her car seat , unconscious … One of the officers grabbed the baby and ran to the ambulance with her , she was barely alive . The car had been in the freezing water for fourteen hours , only a pocket of air kept the baby from the water . The officers all recounted hearing the woman 's voice calling for help , and how that spurred on their heroic efforts . What is the paranormal part of this story ? The mother had been killed instantly in the accident , fourteen hours earlier . UPDATE : I called the Spanish Forks Police Department , the people who responded to the accident , and spoke with Lieutenant Matt Johnson , who told me the Officers were no longer doing interviews , as they had been swamped with requests , which is definitely understandable . He was polite enough to chat with me , and I asked him if I could ask a few questions ? He said yes , so I asked him if anything had changed since the accident , any new information , and did the Officers still believe they heard a woman 's voice ? Rick : I think the best question to start with is the obvious one . What happened when you responded to the car crash ? And what position do you have ? Tyler : I am a patrol officer on the police force , it was a kind of your typical Saturday , it was kind of slow , there were four of us working , and we got called to the river to the upside down car that was in the river , and when we get there you can see a hand that was protruding out of the window of the car . But we didn 't know at the time if someone was still alive in the car , but as we get down there , there are just four of us there , four officers and as we get down into the water is when we heard the voice saying " help me , help me " . We thought someone was still alive in this car we have to do what we can , so were able to flip the car over onto its side , but that is when we found there was only one adult female in the car that had been dead for hours , she had died on impact and had been there for quite some time , she didn 't have any color and everything , but we found that little baby Lilly was in the back seat unconscious , but she was just an infant , but the words I heard was an adult female voice , and we all heard that , and there is no disputing from each of us saying " I heard this or I heard that " , it was all kind of the same voice which is crazy . Rick : I can see where that would happen . I had an internship as a Detective of a Police Department , that was what my degree was in , and I tell you I give you all credit in the world , I could not do it . I went the first couple of days and the people I met , I said man , I don 't want to meet these kinds of people ! Rick : I was under my 240ZX , a very low slung sports car , trying to get the oil pan bolt off , when I heard a voice in my head say " let it go " There was no one else in the house it was about 11 at night , so I ignored it and went to really put a good pull on the wrench to get the bolt loose when I heard " let it go " again , this time much more stern . I didn 't pull on the wrench , and slid out from under the car , and just as my head cleared from under the car , the car fell off the jack and crashed to the floor . It came so close to my head that I actually felt the car go through the hair on the top of my head . Absolutely no doubt in my mind something saved my life that night . So I definitely understand what you say in the book about how it can change your perspective on things .
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Roleplay Stage This is where the In - Character roleplaying happens . Before you create a thread here , recruit some players in Roleplay Casting . Your very own legend is about to unfold ! A world of dreams and adventures awaits ! Let 's go ! " What are my skills ? That 's … . that 's … . . that 's a good question , " Cody said scratching his head . He sat on his bale of hay , cross legged , with a thumb is in his mouth as he attempted to think . The reality of the matter was that he never really thought about his skill set . That is usually a tradition reserved for resumes and seeing how Cody never held a steady job , he never completed one . The fact of the matter was Cody … well … Cody was a bum . He hung around with gangs for years , tumbling through his day to day matters without a care . He spent a fair amount of time on various hobbies , developing skills he was interested in mastering as well as anything useful in surviving in the New York City criminal underworld . As such , listing his skills was a good question , because there was quite a bit he could . Mostly useless things , but it was a start . " Well , let ' see . I can kill people pretty well . Oops , did I say that aloud ? " Cody covered his mouth before laughing . " Ah , I am joking . Just joking . I guess that could count as a skill . But anyway , I am decent fighter . I can virtually escape any sort of imprisonment , like handcuffs . Stealth and pickpocketing were big hobbies of mine . I can juggle pretty well . I even juggled knives before and threw them at my bodies , narrowly missing their faces . Haha , you should have seen the looks on their faces . Priceless ! " Cody broke into slight laughter at the memory of his friend Todd with a large switchblade barely missing his left check when Cody tossed the blade at him with his eyes closed . Cody went back to thinking about his nonviolent skills . There weren 't too many he could think offhand , but he made a conscious effort . After much deliberation with his inner voice , Cody snapped his fingers in victory . " I can play the violin and guitar . I stole both instruments from some rich snobby kid when I was 13 and taught myself using Youtube as my teacher . Fun stuff . And I am a fair public speaker . I aced most of those classes . I fail at math though . I could do like basic addition and subtrac __________________ Kenna sat on her bed and stared at the two of them . They were just arguing away like normal , actually , scratch that . Josh was doing most of the arguing . They both turned their attention to her and Kenna sighed . " Alright then what 's your choice ? ! " Emil and Josh asked Kenna . She looked at both of them with wide eyes but did not say a word . She didn 't know what to say . Having Emil around would not be so bad . Josh would cause a war over it though . This was going to be a hard choice . She could not turn Emil down after all he had done for her . As much as it sickened Kenna to admit it , she was actually really scared of Josh . She was scared to even talk to him and she wanted to stay away from him for a while . Well , he had just nearly killed her , so who would not be scared of him ? Having Emil here would make things a lot safer for her , but she would never get a moments peace with these two . Kenna quickly took a look at the photo on her bedside table and that made her smile . She turned back to the two lads . They both looked annoyed and irritated . Kenna opened her mouth but closed it again . She wanted Emil to stay but she was scared of what Josh would think or do . She looked at Emil and pleaded him to save from this . His face softened but he still looked like he wanted an answer . Kenna sighed and stood up . She walked passed Emil , carefully staying as far away from Josh as she could . She grabbed the door handle and opened it . " I am going to find beds for both of you . " Kenna said as she slammed the door behind her . " I know that you of all people would never want to hurt Kenna . . . so I understand you did what you did for her sake . But aren # t you doing exactly what you said was selfish ? You 're sacrificing her feelings for the sake of not feeling the pain of loss and now she 's afraid of you . . . " Emil finished . " I never said . . . . I never said I wasn 't a selfish person . . . I know what Im doing is wrong . . . but . . . I just can 't lose her . . . can 't you think of what it would feel like . . . if you killed her , if you killed Kenna ? " Josh asked . " The moment my sword was brought down across her I snapped out of it , I realised then that I may have just killed her , I didn 't feel any loss in my soul so I knew I hadn 't but with the uncontrolability of my power . . . I just can 't . . . So I continued , I let my anger out and blamed her so she would stay away from me . . . I 'm being selfish , but I never said I wasn 't a selfish person to begin with . " Josh finished . " What would you do . . . if you were me ? I know you feel for her too , so if you were such a danger to her , what would you do ? ! You 'd do the same thing ! You 'd want to protect her no matter what ! Even if that means I have to lose her ! Don 't you see , either way I lose her . . . Out of all my options this is the least selfish . . . this way she won 't die . . . " Josh sobbed . Emil watched Josh break down in front of him . He no longer seemed like a pathetic slave , a terrifying monster , or even an enemy . He just wanted to protect Kenna , he would do anything to protect Kenna . " You remind me of my best friend Josh . . . he was a man of great virtue and morals , he also wanted nothing morthan to protect Kenna . His name was Tristan , he was Kennas brother . " Emil sighed . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Kenna stormed down the hall , she needed to blow of some anger . She stopped in the middle of the corridor and leaned against the wall behind me . Why was she so scared of Josh ? She kept asking herself the same question . A couple of student girls walked by her , they were all smiling and laughing with each other . Kenna knew all of them by face but not by name . One of the saw her watching then and she just smiled and waved . Kenna lifted her arm slightly but let it fall again . She was not good with socializing anymore . She was lucky to have Josh around , she could talk to him with out feeling embarrassed , she just hoped that this whole situation would die down soon . The girl shrugged her shoulders and turned to walk with her friends . Kenna leaned back and banged her head on the wall . She looked around , no one was in sight . She opened up her hand and a fire ball appeared . She studied it for a long time before she let it fade . When she looked up again , Emil was running towards her . Kenna stared at him and then sighed . She was going to ask Emil to go with her but then she realized that she could not rely on him forever . She thanked him with a quick shrug of her shoulders and then headed down the hall . She got to her door and gave one last deep sigh before she stepped inside . She moved straight to her bed and sat down . She had not realized how tired and hungry she was until now . She sighed again and she stared at Josh , waiting for him to say something . " When I was younger I was picked on a little for being different . I had barely any friends , but those I had were very good and close ones . One day I turned a corner to see my best friend being picked on , I heard them throwing insults at him for hanging out with " The local freak " as they called me . . . " Josh winced . " I didn 't care about them mocking me . . . It didn 't bother me . . . but if I was somehow causing my friends pain , I wouldn 't take it anymore . I ran at the boys who were insulting my friend in anger . I attacked them and one of them threw a stone at me in defense . It sliced across my eye and scarred me . I beat all of them up , the bullies . My friend approached me to make sure I was alright but I pushed him back and ran away . I decided that if he was getting bullied because he was with me . . . then it wasn 't worth it to be my friend . I stopped calling him , aswell as my other friends and became distant . . . I was on the verge of total solitude . . . when I was called here to be your familiar . But it seems that even here Im a danger to you and everyone else . . . I tried to scare you away but that only led you to be further hurt and angry . . . I can 't let myself get close to you Kenna . . . I . . . I don 't want to hurt you . . . I couldn 't live with myself if I did . . . " Josh stopped . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Miku flinched as she heard a door slam somewhere close by , and looked out the door to see Kenna walk by . She seemed . . . hesitant ? Maybe a little fearful ? Miku wasn 't sure , but the disruption caused Kiroku to flinch in his own sleep . And then there came some yelling ; no doubt Emil and Josh . By that time , Kiroku was looking a little disturbed , and the village girl glared out into the hall . She took a few step out and saw that Emil was racing by . Perfect timing . " Keep it down , would you ? ! " Miku hissed , trying to be as quiet as possible , " Kiroku - kun is trying to sleep ! " She was kind of surprised that Josh hadn 't been tired , too , but she figured that the magic in him warded off the fatigue . Either way , she returned inside the room without a word more . As for Kiroku , the boy had been dreaming the whole time . At first it was a simple beach setting ; every one was there ( even Adriel and Gregory , but they were a lot less hostile ) and having fun . Clearly this had to be a dream , Kiroku thought , because there was no way there could be a fun day with everyone getting along . With that , he was able to change the dream to evict everyone except for Miku and Miharu . Now things were a bit more accurate . The three were lounging this time , but the boy was in the middle chair . Maybe it was symbolic , or maybe he was acting as a divider , but he didn 't think too much of it . And then Emil and Josh returned and were yelling at each other like usual . He tried to evict them again , but try as he might it wasn 't possible . It wasn 't until Miku ( the dream Miku ; the one right next to him ) suddenly said that he was trying to sleep that Kiroku was able to blast the two into the water with the sheer force of his mind . At the same time , some kind of water monster broke through the surface of the ocean and ate both of them at once before returning to the water . Everything went quiet after that ; as if none of it happened in the first place . " And I assume you let us stay because you care about us most ? " dream Miharu asked , reading a book as she sat there next to the boy . For her , it was her hair that was more detailed . Kiroku guessed he kinda liked the look of it . The same with Miku 's eyes . . . " Well , yeah , " Kiroku said nonchalantly , " I like you both . " He felt kind of odd saying it , since he just said it about the two of them . It was possible someone in the outside world would think he wanted to date them both or something , but he really didn 't have any regrets to say it in his own mind . After all , the two were both figments of his own imagination . They would understand that he meant that he felt close to both of them . But then , which one did he like more ? Miharu , or Miku ? It was a really difficult question to answer . Miku was a nice girl and rather fun to socialize with , but he was bonded to Miharu and she had more of a good balance of authority and kindness that put him at ease . There were other reasons to say why he liked them both , but what he didn 't know was how Miharu thought of him in the real world . It was easy to guess how Miku felt , but what if Miharu had the same feelings ? He didn ' want to pick one and break the other one 's heart . It sounded much more merciful if he really could pick both without judgement from the outside world . On the other hand , maybe it wasn 't as bad as he thought it was . Technically it didn 't matter if he had both on the inside . He could - - " I know what you are thinking , and if you dare think it I am going to kill you , " dream Miharu said , still reading her book as she directed the naginata Kiroku 's way . Kiroku laughed awkwardly as the blade was just inches from his nose . Even in his own dreams Miharu was rather no - nonsense . " Fine , fine ! ! At least let me finish the main point I was trying to make to myself before I feel awkward about it ! ! " Kiroku pleaded , though that withing itself made his brain hurt a little . " As I was thinking , it doesn 't really matter if I have to be with only one of you out in the real world . Even if I do , I can still love the other in a different way , right ? " Kiroku asked turning to each of them individually . Dream Miku and Miharu both answered him when he turned to them . Miharu smiled slightly at Miku 's hissing , before sidestepping around her . " I shall go order a bed now , " Miharu stated . " I guess Kiroku does not need one , but I think you would rather not sleep on the floor . " Miku nodded , smiling . " That 'll be nice . " She paused slightly . " Are you sure that you 're okay with . . . y ' know . . . " Miharu opened the door softly and exited , closing the door behind her softly . As she closed the door and turned around , she bumped into someone . She blushed , tilting her head down . It wasn 't like her to miss someone behind her . Adria sighed having gotten back to the castle with the others she had told Andre to go ahead to their room and that she would be back later needing to take a walk to clear her head . The day 's events where confusing and exhausting but she couldn 't rest yet she had to much to think about . She knew the nobles were staying and that meant her father was here . This is not going to turn out well she thought already picturing her fathers reaction to her familiar was not going to be a good one . Letting out a sigh Adria closed her eyes as she walked now back in her school uniform when she felt herself bump into someone . Her eyes shot open and she was staring straight up at a man with the same platinum blonde hair color as her . " F - Father I - I 'm sorry " she whispered looking down only to be surprised when the man hugged her . She listened to his story and understood why he wanted to leave . But she was not going to let him go that easily . He had become an important piece of her life even if he did scare her a little bit . She knew he would call her selfish but she did not care . " No . I understand why you feel like you do . But I am not going to lose you like this , you have become to important to me just to watch you leave . I can protect myself from you if worse comes to worse , but avoiding me and trying to kill me because you are scared of hurting me , that is just not going to work Josh . You can call me selfish all you like but I am not going to let you go . " Kenna told him . " I can 't . . . I don 't know how . . . I 've been used to hurt others before and this time . . . I know exactly whos using me . " Josh turned to face Kenna . " My father . . . he knew I would become that thing . . . he 's . . . a mage , which means that I 'm a mage too . . . but my Dad , he 's not the same as me . He can 't use my magic , at least not to the extent I can , if thats true and what I used was really void magic . . . then my Mother was . . . My mother was the last denizen of the void heritage . That means the woman who raised me isn 't my mother and it also means . . . this is not my first time in this world and if THATS true , than there must be a way for me to go back . . . if I was gone , then you 'd be safe , but . . . . I . . . I don 't want that . . . I know I want to keep you safe but I don 't want to leave you . . . " Josh frowned with indecision . " I didn 't expect it to turn out like this , I thought we 'd begin to seperate and that would be that , but Emil convinced me that wasn 't good enough and I think he may have been right . . . Kenna I . . . . I think . . . I think I love you . . . how it 's possible for me to feel so strongly after such a short ammount of time is beyond me , but I 'm almost sure of it . . . I 'm in love with you Kenna . . . and thats why . . . thats why I can 't bear to hurt you . " Josh could feel himself tearing up . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * I 'm in love with you Kenna . . . and thats why . . . thats why I can 't bear to hurt you . " Josh told her . Kenna looked at him for a second and then went over to stand in front of him . She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest . She pushed all her fear out of her mind . After hesitation , he hugged her back . Kenna pulled him to her as tightly as she could . She was not about to let him go . She had grown feelings for him too and meant that she was not going to let him go . " Its sweet of you to say so Kenna . . . but I don 't think thats possible , you saw what I did back there , I finished off the king of Germania like nothing , granted with help from Kiroku but still . Even when Emil who is stronger than you tried to stop me I swatted him away like nothing . I don 't want to . . . . how many times can I say it before you understand ? ! " Josh cried . " I can 't ! I just can 't Ok ! I can 't let myself get close to you , you don 't understand the extremitys of the situation ! This is too dangerous , more dangerous than you could ever understand ! " Josh was shouting now he pulled himself away from Kenna . " I don 't know . . . I don 't know if I 'm even safe from myself . . . I can 't drag you into this , I can 't . " Josh looked at the floor his arms hanging loosely by his sides . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * The resulting rumble from Josh smashing the floor with his fist caused the area to quake for just a moment . Miku braced herself and stood her ground , but she wasn 't worried about her own balance . Instead , she looked over to Kiroku worriedly . As soon as the rumbling stopped , Kiroku 's eyes slowly opened and the boy woke up with a small yawn . " It 's tomorrow already ? And you still don 't have your bed , Miku - chan ? " Kiroku asked , rubbing his eyes one at a time , " Did Miharu go off to check the status of it or something ? " " Go back to sleep , Kiroku , " Miku instructed , patting the top of his head as if he were a small child , " Miharu will be back soon . " The village girl proceeded out the door and looked for the door to Kenna 's room . It didn 't take too long , as the mage 's door had a marker - board sign on it that said " Kenna . " Raising her fist , she gently brought it to the door to knock , but then . . . " HEY ! ! ! WHAT DID I JUST SAY ? ! " Miku yelled , recoiling her extended fist back and punched with the other one . She then proceeded to kick the door a couple times ; the resulting echo of the wood being brutalized causing other magi to pop their heads out from their rooms to see what was going on . Most of them seemed a little intimidated seeing a new girl beating up the door to another girl 's room . However , the door didn 't break or anything . " If Kiroku doesn 't get enough sleep I 'm going to make sure he 's not the only one not feeling one - hundred percent tomorrow ! ! " She had her fist up to the door as if she was addressing everyone in the room in person . Having spoken her mind , she gave a small wave to all the other Magi looking , trembling in fear , and returned to Miharu 's room . " What was that , Miku ? " Kiroku asked as the girl returned to the room and closed the door behind her . She was laughing to herself a bit . " It 's best if you rest now , " Miku insisted , reaching out and pulling the boy towards her , " I 'll keep you company until Miharu arrives . " Kiroku blushed as he felt himself in Miku 's embrace once more . There was no doubt she had feelings for him , but Kiroku was still unclear . It would have been rude to ask her if she thought Miharu liked him like that , too , but it would have also seemed rude to him if she said no . Even if that were the case . He 'd have to get the answer from Miharu directly . Until then , Kiroku thought as he nuzzled himself up to the corner of Miku 's neck and shoulder , I can feel assured that at least some one loves me in this way . " Thank you and have a nice day , " Miharu bowed . The worker waved the thanks away . " Yeah , yeah , the bed will be there in an hour . " He paused slightly . " You 're welcome , and you too , " he added . Miharu walked off . Well , that was one problem solved . She walked back into the hallway and saw some magi whispering to each other and looking scared at her door . She raised an eyebrow . A few of them noticed her and argued " quietly " ; she could hear them loud and clear , but they thought they were arguing quietly . " Usually a sentence consists of a noun , a verb , and an adjective . I would suggest you to add some of those to your sentence , " Miharu stated sarcastically . She wilted . The second one opened her mouth . " Who is that girl in your chambers ? " Miharu had to bit back a grin . She couldn 't be losing her reputation as a sarcastic ice queen after all . " She is a friend , " was all that she would say about Miku - chan . Her voice , eyes , and face suddenly went cold , icy cold . " If I hear anyone say one bad thing about her , they are going to have something really cold up their rear . Get it ? " All three of them nodded fearfully . Miharu walked into her room , closed the door silently , and fell into silent fits of laughter , mindful of the sleeping Kiroku . " Did - did you really kick at Kenna 's door and threaten them to be quiet ? " She had known it was kicking due to the footprints she saw on the door and the small wood cracks . " Their faces . . . ! " Miku watched a little confused as Miharu walked inside all casually , and then broke down into fits of laughter . But then she started asking about the incident in the hallway and started to blush furiously . Had it really been that bad ? Miku knew she could be a little crazy when it came to standing up to others , but had she really gone that over - the - top ? Then again , she was new to the school . If she didn 't establish some sort of persona that would ward any possible bullies away then she would be an open target until she did . She didn 't think Kiroku nor Miharu wanted to feel like they were babysitting a social reject or anything . " Miharu - san - - I had already told them to be quiet , and did you feel that quake from that room ? It woke Kiroku up ! " Miku defended herself , her face growing a bright red as she looked down at Kiroku . She had to admit she took his nuzzling easier than hearing about her kicking at the door . She found it . . . cute . Who knew the boy , having already killed enemy soldiers and overthrew a monarch , could look so cute and innocent while he slept ? There was no look of trouble in his eyes - - " Eep ! I thought you were asleep ! " Miku cried , trying not to follow her impulse and throw the boy off . Kiroku still didn 't move , but he communicated like normal . " Yeah , you never said I actually had to fall back asleep , but I have been trying . At least until Miharu came in , " Kiroku said , smiling as he raised a thumb to his Mage , " It 's nice to know you 're in positive spirits . I 'd move , but I 'm so comfortable right now . . . haahnnnn . . . " Kiroku reached out and hugged Miku back to keep himself in place . He wasn 't going to lie ; he liked it . He had a rather dopey smile about him now , and he didn 't care . Miku - chaaan ~ ! Read me a story , please ! Kiroku thought as he chuckled to himself , No - no wait , that 's too much . . . Wow , didn 't realize how hard it would be to try and be whimsical in my own head . . . As Josh smashed the floor with his fist , Kenna screamed . The dark light that had surrounded Josh faded away as he passed out . Kenna stared at Josh 's limp body with disbelief . How had he destroyed the floor so effortlessly ? Kenna was not sure what she was going to do . Emil came charging in and took a look at the scene . He looked down at Josh and muttered to himself . Kenna untied her hair and wiped the tears of her face . Emil looked at her with soft eyes that were filled with sorrow . He helped her stand up . They walked and sat down on her bed . Kenna looked up to Emil and gave him a tight smile . He smiled back and then wrapped his arm around her shoulder . She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes . " You are becoming more and more like him each passing day . " " If I was , I would be able to make smart decisions and help people , not cause them pain . " She opened her eyes and gestured to Josh 's body . " I remember when me and Tristan were kids , your mother had just told us both that she was pregnant with you . Tristan was literally waiting on her hand and foot because he was so excited . " Emil smiled at the memory . " Yeah , it was quite amusing actually . Then when you were born , I did not see him for a full week because he refused to leave his house because he wanted to just hold you or spend time with you . After a while , he came out because I told him that I would buy him cookies . He used to love cookies . " " Cookies have always been his weak spot . " Kenna agreed . " I remember our first day of school . We were walking along the side of the path and I tripped into a huge puddle of water . I busted my lip and was freezing cold so Tristan gave me his jacket without a second thought . In the end , we broke out a game of tag with the rest of the students . " He stood up and gestured for Kenna to do the same . She stood up and grabbed Josh 's feet with Emil took his arms . They both carefully moved him to his bed of straw and let him rest there . Kenna quickly grabbed a blanket and put it over him . She walked back to her bed but she tripped on a brick and feel over . She picked herself up and sighed . It was going to be hard cleaning this up . " When you left , I just stared at him . He was passed out on our sofa . I grabbed a blanket from my room and put a bin near him . I put the blanket over him and as I did , he woke up . He looked at me briefly and then he grabbed the bin . He pukes his guts out over and over again that night . I just sat there and watched him . When he finally stopped , I got him a drink of water . I returned to find him with his head over the bin but he was not puking . I passed him the drink and he drank it really fast before passing out again . I looked after him that night and now I am looking after Josh in a similar way . " Kenna explained , Emil just listened to her story and nodded . Emil did not say anything , he hugged her back and they stayed like that for a while . Kenna 's eyes began to drop and she sighed . Emil looked at her and the smiled . He moved back and grabbed Kenna 's shoulders . He carefully laid her down and grinned . Kenna nodded and closed her eyes . The blackness was relaxing and peaceful . There was one thing she wanted to ask before she went to sleep though , she opened her eyes and looked at Emil . " Do not fear . . . you will not have to deal with them for much longer . . . now awaken . . . " " No . I change my mind I don 't want that . " Josh murmured . " I didn 't know if I was going to hurt you before . . . I couldn 't know but I 've realised that running away won 't help . If I really care about you , then how could I ever hurt you ? " Josh asked . " Kenna . I couldn 't , I could never even think about hurting you . Not ever . I don 't even want to go home anymore . . . I want to stay with you . If you 'll have me . . . and if poncy head doesn 't mind having a roommate for a little longer . " Josh smirked . " Just like him to not stay awake for more than five seconds . . . Looks like you 've got your answer Kenna . " Emil put his hand on her shoulder . " Everythings going to be fine . . . now get some rest . . . I 've gotta go see the headmaster about my new job . " Emil walked to the door and closed it behind him as he left . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Kenna smiled at him as she watched him sleep . Emil said something and walked out of the room . Kenna watched him leave and sighed . She was really tired . She lay back down and moved herself closer to Josh . She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes . ( OOC : What is this ? Miku brutalizes Kenna 's door , and neither of you are going to acknowledge it ? ! Jeeze , if your three characters are so inattentive about their surroundings I ' mma have Kiroku randomly walk in and suddenly spray - paint all over the place XD ) Miharu shared a glance with Miku . They were conversing silently , when the conversation was broken . Miharu grinned and a sharp pain went through Kiroku 's hand to his head . He yelped and let Miku go . " I warned you , " Miharu lied . " No coping feels . Do not think I did not see that . " It was actually for a prank , but , really , it was all in good fun . Miharu opened the door . The person who spoke was gone , leaving the bed in front of the door . She sighed . " People these days , so impolite . " " First you fry my hand and now you make me use it . I think I have Stockholm Syndrome more thank anything , " Kiroku muttered to himself as he rubbed his hand gingerly . His face was still rather red , as he was sure he didn 't touch Miku like that , but now the idea was in his head . If he was going to get in trouble for it , he might as well have tried for it . . . Wow , that was just naughty . Thank you Miharu , now I 'm a creep , Kiroku thought to himself as he walked over to the side of the bed unattended and picked it up . Miharu seemed to smirk as she lifted it as well and pushed the bed into the room . She knew he was thinking how she wanted him to . " Kiroku , stop fantasizing and put some hustle into it , " Miharu said as Miku smiled to herself and watched the two banter on . Kiroku gritted his teeth as he tugged on the bed harder . He let himself bump his back against the wall and promptly dropped his side of the bed . " Oops , " Kiroku yawned as Miharu frowned , " how clumsy . My bad . " He side - stepped out from between the wall and the bed before the mage could slam him in between the two or something . Miku sighed as she pouted slightly . She forgot he was rather conscious of what the two thought of him . That and he had free reign over himself within reason ; she guessed he was one to question one 's authority over him from time - to - time . At the same time , though , Kiroku bent down to lift from the side and helped Miharu put it into place . " Yay ! Way to go , Kiroku ! " Miku cheered , hugging the boy as he stood up , " See ? No need to be so cranky ! " Kiroku 's teeth gritted harder as he heard the village girl . He wasn 't hearing her exactly , though . When the girl said " cranky , " he immediately looked in the mirror and saw a different female behind him . She was a few inches shorter than him , and with long black hair . Her smile seemed happy enough , but the eyes - - those eyes - - said something else . They were cold and filled with ridicule . He was being seen as lesser . Not again . Not this time . Kiroku threw Miku off him . . . literally . He grabbed her arm and swung her over his shoulder ; letting her back hit the new bed . She was perfectly fine , no injuries at all , but the act shocked the village girl . She laid there frozen as she looked at an upside - down Kiroku . " Don 't you condescend to me . . . like I 'm some sort of child ! ! " he growled , a fierce look in his eyes as he glared at the two with malice , " I don 't need this ! You 're always there in my shadow ; waiting for him to strike first so you can hit harder ! What kind of parent is that ? ! " Clearly he was channeling something else , but Miku couldn 't help but feel guilty as the boy huffed heavy breaths in his rage . He almost seemed to be about to cry - - his hands tense and trying hard to grip themselves . " Kiroku . . . Kiroku snap out of it ! ! " Miku cried , reaching out and grabbing one of his arms . It took a second to register , but when the boy saw Miku on the bed grabbing his arm his eyes began to refocus . I 'm sorry ; I got out of hand there , " Kiroku apologized , his free hand covering the corresponding side of his face . A massive headache had erupted as the rage subsided , and the memory of that woman over his shoulder refused to leave from behind his eyes . " I guess I 'm tired ; I 'll go to bed now . " " Kiro - kun - - " Miku tried to say , but cut herself short as the boy turned and walked to his own bed . He slumped down and curled himself up to go to bed ; facing away from both Miharu and Miku . But every time he closed his eyes , the same image became dominant and was the only thing he could see with his mind 's eye . Miku turned to Miharu . Maybe it was nothing , but it sure didn 't seem like nothing to him . The village girl was completely freaked out . Miharu frowned , watching silently . Kiroku was obviously having a violent flashback , probably about what Miku said . Having quite a horrible past as Kiroku , and she was sure that she hadn 't been given the full story , well , some triggers were most likely to happen . Miharu knew that if someone touched her without her knowing , she would either become introverted or become this violent . It was why she usually kept such a close eye on her surroundings ; she didn 't want to show weakness . Miku seemed to help Kiroku easily enough , though . " M - Miharu - sama . . . What was that . . . ? " asked Miku after Kiroku went to sleep . Miharu sighed . " Kiroku . . . He did not have the best of times on Earth . I have some of the details , but probably not all . Even so , I would not want to tell you in fear of losing his trust . If you really are curious , I would ask Kiroku yourself . " Miharu realized something . " Oh , no need to call me " Miharu - sama " . I do not really like the term and I am of no way above you at all . " " I - I - I 'm sorry , Miharu , " Miku apologized as she looked over at Kiroku . This was completely unexpected . Not only had the boy never once showed some signs of actual weakness in front of her before , but it caused so much pain for him to just flare up and react with such venom in his aspect . That gaze - - Miku shuddered as she felt it once again piercing through her defenses . That side of him was confusing . On the one hand , it looked like he wanted to defend himself ; resorting to real violence if pushed . On the other , though , he also seemed to want to be made defenseless ; to open up and reveal some sort of truth about himself . But in the end it looked like it was too painful to reveal that truth . " I was just - - You sometimes seem to have an air of nobility about you , but you 're not so interested in it like Emil is , " Miku stated as she tried to compose herself . The sympathy she had for the boy was making her less confident in herself . She helped open up some old wounds . . . Miharu froze . " Excuse me , " she managed to murmur and left . She managed to make it deep into the forest nearby before going into a rage attack . She started kicking and punching the trees in rage , not even noticing when her hands and feet started to be bloody . However , she wouldn 't stop kicking or punching , even if her uniform started to turn red with blood . She finally managed to stop with one final kick to the tree , perhaps twenty minutes later . She looked fairly bloody and Miharu looked at her ruined uniform in disinterest . She slumped down against the also bloody tree , before laying down completely on the grass . She closed her eyes . " Damn it , damn it , damn it , damn it , damn it ! " she muttered in Japanese . Miharu had thought that she had left all of it behind her ; all the rules and all the arogance . All the beatings and the ridcules . Never being the perfect daughter , unlike her older sister that had died when she was four . It was always her fault , it was never her sister 's . It was her fault that her sister died because of her . All . Her . Fault . Miharu could have laid there all day and night , but blood was probably going to attract some dangerous beasts to her . Luckily , she had done this enough that she knew where the streams were . She got up , slowly , and walked there , never minding the pain of her and her hands . It made her focus . She had always preferred beatings to the emotional pain . She managed to make it to a stream and washed herself , feeling better in the water . She also had managed to get most of the blood out of her uniform as the blood was fairly new . There were still some specks of it , but not enough to be noticeable . The red mixed with the clear blue of the stream as it washed away . Miharu could feel her rage washing away with the blood . She bandaged her hands and feet and put on her fairly wet uniform . She would walk around for the uniform to dry a bit before heading back to the school . It was helpful that she also knew how to avoid dangerous beasts . " Oh dear . . . " came Miku 's gasp as Miharu left the room . She was really batting a thousand with her new roommates . . . Getting up , she quietly followed the mage and entered the forest after her . She was careful not to make a sound , as Miharu looked like she was about to punch something out . As it turned out , she turned her rage to a tree and started to beat it up . Miku held her breath as she watched the other girl bleed from her knuckles but continued punching for a long while . As the girl moved on , Miku waited a second before following behind to a stream . She was cleaning herself up ? Miharu 's got some demons , too , Miku thought , watching as Miharu stood up , redressed in her uniform , and passed by without seeing her . " Mi . . . Miharu ? " Miku asked , walking out from her hiding place . She stared at the mage with a look of concern on her face . " Are you alright ? I 'm sorry if I said something to offend you . . . " During that time , Kiroku stayed quiet in the room and ignored the two leaving . He didn 't want to see what was going on ; he hardly wanted to move . Why did he have to explode like that ? Everything was going fine , at least as they could be when it seemed like the entire world was becoming more doomed with each passing day . He pretty much cemented his place in a group , gained the favor of a girl that cared for him , and even took down a monarch ruling over his kingdom with a literal iron fist . Now , however , he couldn 't find the strength to get up and apologize . How pathetic her really felt . Miku . . . Miharu . . . Kiroku thought , as if trying to talk to them like they were right there next to him again , Forgive me , I 'm a real screw - up . . . He refused to let himself cry ; he had done enough of that . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo , Creatures , GAMEFREAK , or The Pokémon Company International . We just love Pokémon .
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Roleplay Stage This is where the In - Character roleplaying happens . Before you create a thread here , recruit some players in Roleplay Casting . Your very own legend is about to unfold ! A world of dreams and adventures awaits ! Let 's go ! " What are my skills ? That 's … . that 's … . . that 's a good question , " Cody said scratching his head . He sat on his bale of hay , cross legged , with a thumb is in his mouth as he attempted to think . The reality of the matter was that he never really thought about his skill set . That is usually a tradition reserved for resumes and seeing how Cody never held a steady job , he never completed one . The fact of the matter was Cody … well … Cody was a bum . He hung around with gangs for years , tumbling through his day to day matters without a care . He spent a fair amount of time on various hobbies , developing skills he was interested in mastering as well as anything useful in surviving in the New York City criminal underworld . As such , listing his skills was a good question , because there was quite a bit he could . Mostly useless things , but it was a start . " Well , let ' see . I can kill people pretty well . Oops , did I say that aloud ? " Cody covered his mouth before laughing . " Ah , I am joking . Just joking . I guess that could count as a skill . But anyway , I am decent fighter . I can virtually escape any sort of imprisonment , like handcuffs . Stealth and pickpocketing were big hobbies of mine . I can juggle pretty well . I even juggled knives before and threw them at my bodies , narrowly missing their faces . Haha , you should have seen the looks on their faces . Priceless ! " Cody broke into slight laughter at the memory of his friend Todd with a large switchblade barely missing his left check when Cody tossed the blade at him with his eyes closed . Cody went back to thinking about his nonviolent skills . There weren 't too many he could think offhand , but he made a conscious effort . After much deliberation with his inner voice , Cody snapped his fingers in victory . " I can play the violin and guitar . I stole both instruments from some rich snobby kid when I was 13 and taught myself using Youtube as my teacher . Fun stuff . And I am a fair public speaker . I aced most of those classes . I fail at math though . I could do like basic addition and subtrac __________________ Kenna sat on her bed and stared at the two of them . They were just arguing away like normal , actually , scratch that . Josh was doing most of the arguing . They both turned their attention to her and Kenna sighed . " Alright then what 's your choice ? ! " Emil and Josh asked Kenna . She looked at both of them with wide eyes but did not say a word . She didn 't know what to say . Having Emil around would not be so bad . Josh would cause a war over it though . This was going to be a hard choice . She could not turn Emil down after all he had done for her . As much as it sickened Kenna to admit it , she was actually really scared of Josh . She was scared to even talk to him and she wanted to stay away from him for a while . Well , he had just nearly killed her , so who would not be scared of him ? Having Emil here would make things a lot safer for her , but she would never get a moments peace with these two . Kenna quickly took a look at the photo on her bedside table and that made her smile . She turned back to the two lads . They both looked annoyed and irritated . Kenna opened her mouth but closed it again . She wanted Emil to stay but she was scared of what Josh would think or do . She looked at Emil and pleaded him to save from this . His face softened but he still looked like he wanted an answer . Kenna sighed and stood up . She walked passed Emil , carefully staying as far away from Josh as she could . She grabbed the door handle and opened it . " I am going to find beds for both of you . " Kenna said as she slammed the door behind her . " I know that you of all people would never want to hurt Kenna . . . so I understand you did what you did for her sake . But aren # t you doing exactly what you said was selfish ? You 're sacrificing her feelings for the sake of not feeling the pain of loss and now she 's afraid of you . . . " Emil finished . " I never said . . . . I never said I wasn 't a selfish person . . . I know what Im doing is wrong . . . but . . . I just can 't lose her . . . can 't you think of what it would feel like . . . if you killed her , if you killed Kenna ? " Josh asked . " The moment my sword was brought down across her I snapped out of it , I realised then that I may have just killed her , I didn 't feel any loss in my soul so I knew I hadn 't but with the uncontrolability of my power . . . I just can 't . . . So I continued , I let my anger out and blamed her so she would stay away from me . . . I 'm being selfish , but I never said I wasn 't a selfish person to begin with . " Josh finished . " What would you do . . . if you were me ? I know you feel for her too , so if you were such a danger to her , what would you do ? ! You 'd do the same thing ! You 'd want to protect her no matter what ! Even if that means I have to lose her ! Don 't you see , either way I lose her . . . Out of all my options this is the least selfish . . . this way she won 't die . . . " Josh sobbed . Emil watched Josh break down in front of him . He no longer seemed like a pathetic slave , a terrifying monster , or even an enemy . He just wanted to protect Kenna , he would do anything to protect Kenna . " You remind me of my best friend Josh . . . he was a man of great virtue and morals , he also wanted nothing morthan to protect Kenna . His name was Tristan , he was Kennas brother . " Emil sighed . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Kenna stormed down the hall , she needed to blow of some anger . She stopped in the middle of the corridor and leaned against the wall behind me . Why was she so scared of Josh ? She kept asking herself the same question . A couple of student girls walked by her , they were all smiling and laughing with each other . Kenna knew all of them by face but not by name . One of the saw her watching then and she just smiled and waved . Kenna lifted her arm slightly but let it fall again . She was not good with socializing anymore . She was lucky to have Josh around , she could talk to him with out feeling embarrassed , she just hoped that this whole situation would die down soon . The girl shrugged her shoulders and turned to walk with her friends . Kenna leaned back and banged her head on the wall . She looked around , no one was in sight . She opened up her hand and a fire ball appeared . She studied it for a long time before she let it fade . When she looked up again , Emil was running towards her . Kenna stared at him and then sighed . She was going to ask Emil to go with her but then she realized that she could not rely on him forever . She thanked him with a quick shrug of her shoulders and then headed down the hall . She got to her door and gave one last deep sigh before she stepped inside . She moved straight to her bed and sat down . She had not realized how tired and hungry she was until now . She sighed again and she stared at Josh , waiting for him to say something . " When I was younger I was picked on a little for being different . I had barely any friends , but those I had were very good and close ones . One day I turned a corner to see my best friend being picked on , I heard them throwing insults at him for hanging out with " The local freak " as they called me . . . " Josh winced . " I didn 't care about them mocking me . . . It didn 't bother me . . . but if I was somehow causing my friends pain , I wouldn 't take it anymore . I ran at the boys who were insulting my friend in anger . I attacked them and one of them threw a stone at me in defense . It sliced across my eye and scarred me . I beat all of them up , the bullies . My friend approached me to make sure I was alright but I pushed him back and ran away . I decided that if he was getting bullied because he was with me . . . then it wasn 't worth it to be my friend . I stopped calling him , aswell as my other friends and became distant . . . I was on the verge of total solitude . . . when I was called here to be your familiar . But it seems that even here Im a danger to you and everyone else . . . I tried to scare you away but that only led you to be further hurt and angry . . . I can 't let myself get close to you Kenna . . . I . . . I don 't want to hurt you . . . I couldn 't live with myself if I did . . . " Josh stopped . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Miku flinched as she heard a door slam somewhere close by , and looked out the door to see Kenna walk by . She seemed . . . hesitant ? Maybe a little fearful ? Miku wasn 't sure , but the disruption caused Kiroku to flinch in his own sleep . And then there came some yelling ; no doubt Emil and Josh . By that time , Kiroku was looking a little disturbed , and the village girl glared out into the hall . She took a few step out and saw that Emil was racing by . Perfect timing . " Keep it down , would you ? ! " Miku hissed , trying to be as quiet as possible , " Kiroku - kun is trying to sleep ! " She was kind of surprised that Josh hadn 't been tired , too , but she figured that the magic in him warded off the fatigue . Either way , she returned inside the room without a word more . As for Kiroku , the boy had been dreaming the whole time . At first it was a simple beach setting ; every one was there ( even Adriel and Gregory , but they were a lot less hostile ) and having fun . Clearly this had to be a dream , Kiroku thought , because there was no way there could be a fun day with everyone getting along . With that , he was able to change the dream to evict everyone except for Miku and Miharu . Now things were a bit more accurate . The three were lounging this time , but the boy was in the middle chair . Maybe it was symbolic , or maybe he was acting as a divider , but he didn 't think too much of it . And then Emil and Josh returned and were yelling at each other like usual . He tried to evict them again , but try as he might it wasn 't possible . It wasn 't until Miku ( the dream Miku ; the one right next to him ) suddenly said that he was trying to sleep that Kiroku was able to blast the two into the water with the sheer force of his mind . At the same time , some kind of water monster broke through the surface of the ocean and ate both of them at once before returning to the water . Everything went quiet after that ; as if none of it happened in the first place . " And I assume you let us stay because you care about us most ? " dream Miharu asked , reading a book as she sat there next to the boy . For her , it was her hair that was more detailed . Kiroku guessed he kinda liked the look of it . The same with Miku 's eyes . . . " Well , yeah , " Kiroku said nonchalantly , " I like you both . " He felt kind of odd saying it , since he just said it about the two of them . It was possible someone in the outside world would think he wanted to date them both or something , but he really didn 't have any regrets to say it in his own mind . After all , the two were both figments of his own imagination . They would understand that he meant that he felt close to both of them . But then , which one did he like more ? Miharu , or Miku ? It was a really difficult question to answer . Miku was a nice girl and rather fun to socialize with , but he was bonded to Miharu and she had more of a good balance of authority and kindness that put him at ease . There were other reasons to say why he liked them both , but what he didn 't know was how Miharu thought of him in the real world . It was easy to guess how Miku felt , but what if Miharu had the same feelings ? He didn ' want to pick one and break the other one 's heart . It sounded much more merciful if he really could pick both without judgement from the outside world . On the other hand , maybe it wasn 't as bad as he thought it was . Technically it didn 't matter if he had both on the inside . He could - - " I know what you are thinking , and if you dare think it I am going to kill you , " dream Miharu said , still reading her book as she directed the naginata Kiroku 's way . Kiroku laughed awkwardly as the blade was just inches from his nose . Even in his own dreams Miharu was rather no - nonsense . " Fine , fine ! ! At least let me finish the main point I was trying to make to myself before I feel awkward about it ! ! " Kiroku pleaded , though that withing itself made his brain hurt a little . " As I was thinking , it doesn 't really matter if I have to be with only one of you out in the real world . Even if I do , I can still love the other in a different way , right ? " Kiroku asked turning to each of them individually . Dream Miku and Miharu both answered him when he turned to them . Miharu smiled slightly at Miku 's hissing , before sidestepping around her . " I shall go order a bed now , " Miharu stated . " I guess Kiroku does not need one , but I think you would rather not sleep on the floor . " Miku nodded , smiling . " That 'll be nice . " She paused slightly . " Are you sure that you 're okay with . . . y ' know . . . " Miharu opened the door softly and exited , closing the door behind her softly . As she closed the door and turned around , she bumped into someone . She blushed , tilting her head down . It wasn 't like her to miss someone behind her . Adria sighed having gotten back to the castle with the others she had told Andre to go ahead to their room and that she would be back later needing to take a walk to clear her head . The day 's events where confusing and exhausting but she couldn 't rest yet she had to much to think about . She knew the nobles were staying and that meant her father was here . This is not going to turn out well she thought already picturing her fathers reaction to her familiar was not going to be a good one . Letting out a sigh Adria closed her eyes as she walked now back in her school uniform when she felt herself bump into someone . Her eyes shot open and she was staring straight up at a man with the same platinum blonde hair color as her . " F - Father I - I 'm sorry " she whispered looking down only to be surprised when the man hugged her . She listened to his story and understood why he wanted to leave . But she was not going to let him go that easily . He had become an important piece of her life even if he did scare her a little bit . She knew he would call her selfish but she did not care . " No . I understand why you feel like you do . But I am not going to lose you like this , you have become to important to me just to watch you leave . I can protect myself from you if worse comes to worse , but avoiding me and trying to kill me because you are scared of hurting me , that is just not going to work Josh . You can call me selfish all you like but I am not going to let you go . " Kenna told him . " I can 't . . . I don 't know how . . . I 've been used to hurt others before and this time . . . I know exactly whos using me . " Josh turned to face Kenna . " My father . . . he knew I would become that thing . . . he 's . . . a mage , which means that I 'm a mage too . . . but my Dad , he 's not the same as me . He can 't use my magic , at least not to the extent I can , if thats true and what I used was really void magic . . . then my Mother was . . . My mother was the last denizen of the void heritage . That means the woman who raised me isn 't my mother and it also means . . . this is not my first time in this world and if THATS true , than there must be a way for me to go back . . . if I was gone , then you 'd be safe , but . . . . I . . . I don 't want that . . . I know I want to keep you safe but I don 't want to leave you . . . " Josh frowned with indecision . " I didn 't expect it to turn out like this , I thought we 'd begin to seperate and that would be that , but Emil convinced me that wasn 't good enough and I think he may have been right . . . Kenna I . . . . I think . . . I think I love you . . . how it 's possible for me to feel so strongly after such a short ammount of time is beyond me , but I 'm almost sure of it . . . I 'm in love with you Kenna . . . and thats why . . . thats why I can 't bear to hurt you . " Josh could feel himself tearing up . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * I 'm in love with you Kenna . . . and thats why . . . thats why I can 't bear to hurt you . " Josh told her . Kenna looked at him for a second and then went over to stand in front of him . She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest . She pushed all her fear out of her mind . After hesitation , he hugged her back . Kenna pulled him to her as tightly as she could . She was not about to let him go . She had grown feelings for him too and meant that she was not going to let him go . " Its sweet of you to say so Kenna . . . but I don 't think thats possible , you saw what I did back there , I finished off the king of Germania like nothing , granted with help from Kiroku but still . Even when Emil who is stronger than you tried to stop me I swatted him away like nothing . I don 't want to . . . . how many times can I say it before you understand ? ! " Josh cried . " I can 't ! I just can 't Ok ! I can 't let myself get close to you , you don 't understand the extremitys of the situation ! This is too dangerous , more dangerous than you could ever understand ! " Josh was shouting now he pulled himself away from Kenna . " I don 't know . . . I don 't know if I 'm even safe from myself . . . I can 't drag you into this , I can 't . " Josh looked at the floor his arms hanging loosely by his sides . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * The resulting rumble from Josh smashing the floor with his fist caused the area to quake for just a moment . Miku braced herself and stood her ground , but she wasn 't worried about her own balance . Instead , she looked over to Kiroku worriedly . As soon as the rumbling stopped , Kiroku 's eyes slowly opened and the boy woke up with a small yawn . " It 's tomorrow already ? And you still don 't have your bed , Miku - chan ? " Kiroku asked , rubbing his eyes one at a time , " Did Miharu go off to check the status of it or something ? " " Go back to sleep , Kiroku , " Miku instructed , patting the top of his head as if he were a small child , " Miharu will be back soon . " The village girl proceeded out the door and looked for the door to Kenna 's room . It didn 't take too long , as the mage 's door had a marker - board sign on it that said " Kenna . " Raising her fist , she gently brought it to the door to knock , but then . . . " HEY ! ! ! WHAT DID I JUST SAY ? ! " Miku yelled , recoiling her extended fist back and punched with the other one . She then proceeded to kick the door a couple times ; the resulting echo of the wood being brutalized causing other magi to pop their heads out from their rooms to see what was going on . Most of them seemed a little intimidated seeing a new girl beating up the door to another girl 's room . However , the door didn 't break or anything . " If Kiroku doesn 't get enough sleep I 'm going to make sure he 's not the only one not feeling one - hundred percent tomorrow ! ! " She had her fist up to the door as if she was addressing everyone in the room in person . Having spoken her mind , she gave a small wave to all the other Magi looking , trembling in fear , and returned to Miharu 's room . " What was that , Miku ? " Kiroku asked as the girl returned to the room and closed the door behind her . She was laughing to herself a bit . " It 's best if you rest now , " Miku insisted , reaching out and pulling the boy towards her , " I 'll keep you company until Miharu arrives . " Kiroku blushed as he felt himself in Miku 's embrace once more . There was no doubt she had feelings for him , but Kiroku was still unclear . It would have been rude to ask her if she thought Miharu liked him like that , too , but it would have also seemed rude to him if she said no . Even if that were the case . He 'd have to get the answer from Miharu directly . Until then , Kiroku thought as he nuzzled himself up to the corner of Miku 's neck and shoulder , I can feel assured that at least some one loves me in this way . " Thank you and have a nice day , " Miharu bowed . The worker waved the thanks away . " Yeah , yeah , the bed will be there in an hour . " He paused slightly . " You 're welcome , and you too , " he added . Miharu walked off . Well , that was one problem solved . She walked back into the hallway and saw some magi whispering to each other and looking scared at her door . She raised an eyebrow . A few of them noticed her and argued " quietly " ; she could hear them loud and clear , but they thought they were arguing quietly . " Usually a sentence consists of a noun , a verb , and an adjective . I would suggest you to add some of those to your sentence , " Miharu stated sarcastically . She wilted . The second one opened her mouth . " Who is that girl in your chambers ? " Miharu had to bit back a grin . She couldn 't be losing her reputation as a sarcastic ice queen after all . " She is a friend , " was all that she would say about Miku - chan . Her voice , eyes , and face suddenly went cold , icy cold . " If I hear anyone say one bad thing about her , they are going to have something really cold up their rear . Get it ? " All three of them nodded fearfully . Miharu walked into her room , closed the door silently , and fell into silent fits of laughter , mindful of the sleeping Kiroku . " Did - did you really kick at Kenna 's door and threaten them to be quiet ? " She had known it was kicking due to the footprints she saw on the door and the small wood cracks . " Their faces . . . ! " Miku watched a little confused as Miharu walked inside all casually , and then broke down into fits of laughter . But then she started asking about the incident in the hallway and started to blush furiously . Had it really been that bad ? Miku knew she could be a little crazy when it came to standing up to others , but had she really gone that over - the - top ? Then again , she was new to the school . If she didn 't establish some sort of persona that would ward any possible bullies away then she would be an open target until she did . She didn 't think Kiroku nor Miharu wanted to feel like they were babysitting a social reject or anything . " Miharu - san - - I had already told them to be quiet , and did you feel that quake from that room ? It woke Kiroku up ! " Miku defended herself , her face growing a bright red as she looked down at Kiroku . She had to admit she took his nuzzling easier than hearing about her kicking at the door . She found it . . . cute . Who knew the boy , having already killed enemy soldiers and overthrew a monarch , could look so cute and innocent while he slept ? There was no look of trouble in his eyes - - " Eep ! I thought you were asleep ! " Miku cried , trying not to follow her impulse and throw the boy off . Kiroku still didn 't move , but he communicated like normal . " Yeah , you never said I actually had to fall back asleep , but I have been trying . At least until Miharu came in , " Kiroku said , smiling as he raised a thumb to his Mage , " It 's nice to know you 're in positive spirits . I 'd move , but I 'm so comfortable right now . . . haahnnnn . . . " Kiroku reached out and hugged Miku back to keep himself in place . He wasn 't going to lie ; he liked it . He had a rather dopey smile about him now , and he didn 't care . Miku - chaaan ~ ! Read me a story , please ! Kiroku thought as he chuckled to himself , No - no wait , that 's too much . . . Wow , didn 't realize how hard it would be to try and be whimsical in my own head . . . As Josh smashed the floor with his fist , Kenna screamed . The dark light that had surrounded Josh faded away as he passed out . Kenna stared at Josh 's limp body with disbelief . How had he destroyed the floor so effortlessly ? Kenna was not sure what she was going to do . Emil came charging in and took a look at the scene . He looked down at Josh and muttered to himself . Kenna untied her hair and wiped the tears of her face . Emil looked at her with soft eyes that were filled with sorrow . He helped her stand up . They walked and sat down on her bed . Kenna looked up to Emil and gave him a tight smile . He smiled back and then wrapped his arm around her shoulder . She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes . " You are becoming more and more like him each passing day . " " If I was , I would be able to make smart decisions and help people , not cause them pain . " She opened her eyes and gestured to Josh 's body . " I remember when me and Tristan were kids , your mother had just told us both that she was pregnant with you . Tristan was literally waiting on her hand and foot because he was so excited . " Emil smiled at the memory . " Yeah , it was quite amusing actually . Then when you were born , I did not see him for a full week because he refused to leave his house because he wanted to just hold you or spend time with you . After a while , he came out because I told him that I would buy him cookies . He used to love cookies . " " Cookies have always been his weak spot . " Kenna agreed . " I remember our first day of school . We were walking along the side of the path and I tripped into a huge puddle of water . I busted my lip and was freezing cold so Tristan gave me his jacket without a second thought . In the end , we broke out a game of tag with the rest of the students . " He stood up and gestured for Kenna to do the same . She stood up and grabbed Josh 's feet with Emil took his arms . They both carefully moved him to his bed of straw and let him rest there . Kenna quickly grabbed a blanket and put it over him . She walked back to her bed but she tripped on a brick and feel over . She picked herself up and sighed . It was going to be hard cleaning this up . " When you left , I just stared at him . He was passed out on our sofa . I grabbed a blanket from my room and put a bin near him . I put the blanket over him and as I did , he woke up . He looked at me briefly and then he grabbed the bin . He pukes his guts out over and over again that night . I just sat there and watched him . When he finally stopped , I got him a drink of water . I returned to find him with his head over the bin but he was not puking . I passed him the drink and he drank it really fast before passing out again . I looked after him that night and now I am looking after Josh in a similar way . " Kenna explained , Emil just listened to her story and nodded . Emil did not say anything , he hugged her back and they stayed like that for a while . Kenna 's eyes began to drop and she sighed . Emil looked at her and the smiled . He moved back and grabbed Kenna 's shoulders . He carefully laid her down and grinned . Kenna nodded and closed her eyes . The blackness was relaxing and peaceful . There was one thing she wanted to ask before she went to sleep though , she opened her eyes and looked at Emil . " Do not fear . . . you will not have to deal with them for much longer . . . now awaken . . . " " No . I change my mind I don 't want that . " Josh murmured . " I didn 't know if I was going to hurt you before . . . I couldn 't know but I 've realised that running away won 't help . If I really care about you , then how could I ever hurt you ? " Josh asked . " Kenna . I couldn 't , I could never even think about hurting you . Not ever . I don 't even want to go home anymore . . . I want to stay with you . If you 'll have me . . . and if poncy head doesn 't mind having a roommate for a little longer . " Josh smirked . " Just like him to not stay awake for more than five seconds . . . Looks like you 've got your answer Kenna . " Emil put his hand on her shoulder . " Everythings going to be fine . . . now get some rest . . . I 've gotta go see the headmaster about my new job . " Emil walked to the door and closed it behind him as he left . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Kenna smiled at him as she watched him sleep . Emil said something and walked out of the room . Kenna watched him leave and sighed . She was really tired . She lay back down and moved herself closer to Josh . She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes . ( OOC : What is this ? Miku brutalizes Kenna 's door , and neither of you are going to acknowledge it ? ! Jeeze , if your three characters are so inattentive about their surroundings I ' mma have Kiroku randomly walk in and suddenly spray - paint all over the place XD ) Miharu shared a glance with Miku . They were conversing silently , when the conversation was broken . Miharu grinned and a sharp pain went through Kiroku 's hand to his head . He yelped and let Miku go . " I warned you , " Miharu lied . " No coping feels . Do not think I did not see that . " It was actually for a prank , but , really , it was all in good fun . Miharu opened the door . The person who spoke was gone , leaving the bed in front of the door . She sighed . " People these days , so impolite . " " First you fry my hand and now you make me use it . I think I have Stockholm Syndrome more thank anything , " Kiroku muttered to himself as he rubbed his hand gingerly . His face was still rather red , as he was sure he didn 't touch Miku like that , but now the idea was in his head . If he was going to get in trouble for it , he might as well have tried for it . . . Wow , that was just naughty . Thank you Miharu , now I 'm a creep , Kiroku thought to himself as he walked over to the side of the bed unattended and picked it up . Miharu seemed to smirk as she lifted it as well and pushed the bed into the room . She knew he was thinking how she wanted him to . " Kiroku , stop fantasizing and put some hustle into it , " Miharu said as Miku smiled to herself and watched the two banter on . Kiroku gritted his teeth as he tugged on the bed harder . He let himself bump his back against the wall and promptly dropped his side of the bed . " Oops , " Kiroku yawned as Miharu frowned , " how clumsy . My bad . " He side - stepped out from between the wall and the bed before the mage could slam him in between the two or something . Miku sighed as she pouted slightly . She forgot he was rather conscious of what the two thought of him . That and he had free reign over himself within reason ; she guessed he was one to question one 's authority over him from time - to - time . At the same time , though , Kiroku bent down to lift from the side and helped Miharu put it into place . " Yay ! Way to go , Kiroku ! " Miku cheered , hugging the boy as he stood up , " See ? No need to be so cranky ! " Kiroku 's teeth gritted harder as he heard the village girl . He wasn 't hearing her exactly , though . When the girl said " cranky , " he immediately looked in the mirror and saw a different female behind him . She was a few inches shorter than him , and with long black hair . Her smile seemed happy enough , but the eyes - - those eyes - - said something else . They were cold and filled with ridicule . He was being seen as lesser . Not again . Not this time . Kiroku threw Miku off him . . . literally . He grabbed her arm and swung her over his shoulder ; letting her back hit the new bed . She was perfectly fine , no injuries at all , but the act shocked the village girl . She laid there frozen as she looked at an upside - down Kiroku . " Don 't you condescend to me . . . like I 'm some sort of child ! ! " he growled , a fierce look in his eyes as he glared at the two with malice , " I don 't need this ! You 're always there in my shadow ; waiting for him to strike first so you can hit harder ! What kind of parent is that ? ! " Clearly he was channeling something else , but Miku couldn 't help but feel guilty as the boy huffed heavy breaths in his rage . He almost seemed to be about to cry - - his hands tense and trying hard to grip themselves . " Kiroku . . . Kiroku snap out of it ! ! " Miku cried , reaching out and grabbing one of his arms . It took a second to register , but when the boy saw Miku on the bed grabbing his arm his eyes began to refocus . I 'm sorry ; I got out of hand there , " Kiroku apologized , his free hand covering the corresponding side of his face . A massive headache had erupted as the rage subsided , and the memory of that woman over his shoulder refused to leave from behind his eyes . " I guess I 'm tired ; I 'll go to bed now . " " Kiro - kun - - " Miku tried to say , but cut herself short as the boy turned and walked to his own bed . He slumped down and curled himself up to go to bed ; facing away from both Miharu and Miku . But every time he closed his eyes , the same image became dominant and was the only thing he could see with his mind 's eye . Miku turned to Miharu . Maybe it was nothing , but it sure didn 't seem like nothing to him . The village girl was completely freaked out . Miharu frowned , watching silently . Kiroku was obviously having a violent flashback , probably about what Miku said . Having quite a horrible past as Kiroku , and she was sure that she hadn 't been given the full story , well , some triggers were most likely to happen . Miharu knew that if someone touched her without her knowing , she would either become introverted or become this violent . It was why she usually kept such a close eye on her surroundings ; she didn 't want to show weakness . Miku seemed to help Kiroku easily enough , though . " M - Miharu - sama . . . What was that . . . ? " asked Miku after Kiroku went to sleep . Miharu sighed . " Kiroku . . . He did not have the best of times on Earth . I have some of the details , but probably not all . Even so , I would not want to tell you in fear of losing his trust . If you really are curious , I would ask Kiroku yourself . " Miharu realized something . " Oh , no need to call me " Miharu - sama " . I do not really like the term and I am of no way above you at all . " " I - I - I 'm sorry , Miharu , " Miku apologized as she looked over at Kiroku . This was completely unexpected . Not only had the boy never once showed some signs of actual weakness in front of her before , but it caused so much pain for him to just flare up and react with such venom in his aspect . That gaze - - Miku shuddered as she felt it once again piercing through her defenses . That side of him was confusing . On the one hand , it looked like he wanted to defend himself ; resorting to real violence if pushed . On the other , though , he also seemed to want to be made defenseless ; to open up and reveal some sort of truth about himself . But in the end it looked like it was too painful to reveal that truth . " I was just - - You sometimes seem to have an air of nobility about you , but you 're not so interested in it like Emil is , " Miku stated as she tried to compose herself . The sympathy she had for the boy was making her less confident in herself . She helped open up some old wounds . . . Miharu froze . " Excuse me , " she managed to murmur and left . She managed to make it deep into the forest nearby before going into a rage attack . She started kicking and punching the trees in rage , not even noticing when her hands and feet started to be bloody . However , she wouldn 't stop kicking or punching , even if her uniform started to turn red with blood . She finally managed to stop with one final kick to the tree , perhaps twenty minutes later . She looked fairly bloody and Miharu looked at her ruined uniform in disinterest . She slumped down against the also bloody tree , before laying down completely on the grass . She closed her eyes . " Damn it , damn it , damn it , damn it , damn it ! " she muttered in Japanese . Miharu had thought that she had left all of it behind her ; all the rules and all the arogance . All the beatings and the ridcules . Never being the perfect daughter , unlike her older sister that had died when she was four . It was always her fault , it was never her sister 's . It was her fault that her sister died because of her . All . Her . Fault . Miharu could have laid there all day and night , but blood was probably going to attract some dangerous beasts to her . Luckily , she had done this enough that she knew where the streams were . She got up , slowly , and walked there , never minding the pain of her and her hands . It made her focus . She had always preferred beatings to the emotional pain . She managed to make it to a stream and washed herself , feeling better in the water . She also had managed to get most of the blood out of her uniform as the blood was fairly new . There were still some specks of it , but not enough to be noticeable . The red mixed with the clear blue of the stream as it washed away . Miharu could feel her rage washing away with the blood . She bandaged her hands and feet and put on her fairly wet uniform . She would walk around for the uniform to dry a bit before heading back to the school . It was helpful that she also knew how to avoid dangerous beasts . " Oh dear . . . " came Miku 's gasp as Miharu left the room . She was really batting a thousand with her new roommates . . . Getting up , she quietly followed the mage and entered the forest after her . She was careful not to make a sound , as Miharu looked like she was about to punch something out . As it turned out , she turned her rage to a tree and started to beat it up . Miku held her breath as she watched the other girl bleed from her knuckles but continued punching for a long while . As the girl moved on , Miku waited a second before following behind to a stream . She was cleaning herself up ? Miharu 's got some demons , too , Miku thought , watching as Miharu stood up , redressed in her uniform , and passed by without seeing her . " Mi . . . Miharu ? " Miku asked , walking out from her hiding place . She stared at the mage with a look of concern on her face . " Are you alright ? I 'm sorry if I said something to offend you . . . " During that time , Kiroku stayed quiet in the room and ignored the two leaving . He didn 't want to see what was going on ; he hardly wanted to move . Why did he have to explode like that ? Everything was going fine , at least as they could be when it seemed like the entire world was becoming more doomed with each passing day . He pretty much cemented his place in a group , gained the favor of a girl that cared for him , and even took down a monarch ruling over his kingdom with a literal iron fist . Now , however , he couldn 't find the strength to get up and apologize . How pathetic her really felt . Miku . . . Miharu . . . Kiroku thought , as if trying to talk to them like they were right there next to him again , Forgive me , I 'm a real screw - up . . . He refused to let himself cry ; he had done enough of that . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo , Creatures , GAMEFREAK , or The Pokémon Company International . We just love Pokémon .
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Roleplay Stage This is where the In - Character roleplaying happens . Before you create a thread here , recruit some players in Roleplay Casting . Your very own legend is about to unfold ! A world of dreams and adventures awaits ! Let 's go ! " What are my skills ? That 's … . that 's … . . that 's a good question , " Cody said scratching his head . He sat on his bale of hay , cross legged , with a thumb is in his mouth as he attempted to think . The reality of the matter was that he never really thought about his skill set . That is usually a tradition reserved for resumes and seeing how Cody never held a steady job , he never completed one . The fact of the matter was Cody … well … Cody was a bum . He hung around with gangs for years , tumbling through his day to day matters without a care . He spent a fair amount of time on various hobbies , developing skills he was interested in mastering as well as anything useful in surviving in the New York City criminal underworld . As such , listing his skills was a good question , because there was quite a bit he could . Mostly useless things , but it was a start . " Well , let ' see . I can kill people pretty well . Oops , did I say that aloud ? " Cody covered his mouth before laughing . " Ah , I am joking . Just joking . I guess that could count as a skill . But anyway , I am decent fighter . I can virtually escape any sort of imprisonment , like handcuffs . Stealth and pickpocketing were big hobbies of mine . I can juggle pretty well . I even juggled knives before and threw them at my bodies , narrowly missing their faces . Haha , you should have seen the looks on their faces . Priceless ! " Cody broke into slight laughter at the memory of his friend Todd with a large switchblade barely missing his left check when Cody tossed the blade at him with his eyes closed . Cody went back to thinking about his nonviolent skills . There weren 't too many he could think offhand , but he made a conscious effort . After much deliberation with his inner voice , Cody snapped his fingers in victory . " I can play the violin and guitar . I stole both instruments from some rich snobby kid when I was 13 and taught myself using Youtube as my teacher . Fun stuff . And I am a fair public speaker . I aced most of those classes . I fail at math though . I could do like basic addition and subtrac __________________ Kenna sat on her bed and stared at the two of them . They were just arguing away like normal , actually , scratch that . Josh was doing most of the arguing . They both turned their attention to her and Kenna sighed . " Alright then what 's your choice ? ! " Emil and Josh asked Kenna . She looked at both of them with wide eyes but did not say a word . She didn 't know what to say . Having Emil around would not be so bad . Josh would cause a war over it though . This was going to be a hard choice . She could not turn Emil down after all he had done for her . As much as it sickened Kenna to admit it , she was actually really scared of Josh . She was scared to even talk to him and she wanted to stay away from him for a while . Well , he had just nearly killed her , so who would not be scared of him ? Having Emil here would make things a lot safer for her , but she would never get a moments peace with these two . Kenna quickly took a look at the photo on her bedside table and that made her smile . She turned back to the two lads . They both looked annoyed and irritated . Kenna opened her mouth but closed it again . She wanted Emil to stay but she was scared of what Josh would think or do . She looked at Emil and pleaded him to save from this . His face softened but he still looked like he wanted an answer . Kenna sighed and stood up . She walked passed Emil , carefully staying as far away from Josh as she could . She grabbed the door handle and opened it . " I am going to find beds for both of you . " Kenna said as she slammed the door behind her . " I know that you of all people would never want to hurt Kenna . . . so I understand you did what you did for her sake . But aren # t you doing exactly what you said was selfish ? You 're sacrificing her feelings for the sake of not feeling the pain of loss and now she 's afraid of you . . . " Emil finished . " I never said . . . . I never said I wasn 't a selfish person . . . I know what Im doing is wrong . . . but . . . I just can 't lose her . . . can 't you think of what it would feel like . . . if you killed her , if you killed Kenna ? " Josh asked . " The moment my sword was brought down across her I snapped out of it , I realised then that I may have just killed her , I didn 't feel any loss in my soul so I knew I hadn 't but with the uncontrolability of my power . . . I just can 't . . . So I continued , I let my anger out and blamed her so she would stay away from me . . . I 'm being selfish , but I never said I wasn 't a selfish person to begin with . " Josh finished . " What would you do . . . if you were me ? I know you feel for her too , so if you were such a danger to her , what would you do ? ! You 'd do the same thing ! You 'd want to protect her no matter what ! Even if that means I have to lose her ! Don 't you see , either way I lose her . . . Out of all my options this is the least selfish . . . this way she won 't die . . . " Josh sobbed . Emil watched Josh break down in front of him . He no longer seemed like a pathetic slave , a terrifying monster , or even an enemy . He just wanted to protect Kenna , he would do anything to protect Kenna . " You remind me of my best friend Josh . . . he was a man of great virtue and morals , he also wanted nothing morthan to protect Kenna . His name was Tristan , he was Kennas brother . " Emil sighed . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Kenna stormed down the hall , she needed to blow of some anger . She stopped in the middle of the corridor and leaned against the wall behind me . Why was she so scared of Josh ? She kept asking herself the same question . A couple of student girls walked by her , they were all smiling and laughing with each other . Kenna knew all of them by face but not by name . One of the saw her watching then and she just smiled and waved . Kenna lifted her arm slightly but let it fall again . She was not good with socializing anymore . She was lucky to have Josh around , she could talk to him with out feeling embarrassed , she just hoped that this whole situation would die down soon . The girl shrugged her shoulders and turned to walk with her friends . Kenna leaned back and banged her head on the wall . She looked around , no one was in sight . She opened up her hand and a fire ball appeared . She studied it for a long time before she let it fade . When she looked up again , Emil was running towards her . Kenna stared at him and then sighed . She was going to ask Emil to go with her but then she realized that she could not rely on him forever . She thanked him with a quick shrug of her shoulders and then headed down the hall . She got to her door and gave one last deep sigh before she stepped inside . She moved straight to her bed and sat down . She had not realized how tired and hungry she was until now . She sighed again and she stared at Josh , waiting for him to say something . " When I was younger I was picked on a little for being different . I had barely any friends , but those I had were very good and close ones . One day I turned a corner to see my best friend being picked on , I heard them throwing insults at him for hanging out with " The local freak " as they called me . . . " Josh winced . " I didn 't care about them mocking me . . . It didn 't bother me . . . but if I was somehow causing my friends pain , I wouldn 't take it anymore . I ran at the boys who were insulting my friend in anger . I attacked them and one of them threw a stone at me in defense . It sliced across my eye and scarred me . I beat all of them up , the bullies . My friend approached me to make sure I was alright but I pushed him back and ran away . I decided that if he was getting bullied because he was with me . . . then it wasn 't worth it to be my friend . I stopped calling him , aswell as my other friends and became distant . . . I was on the verge of total solitude . . . when I was called here to be your familiar . But it seems that even here Im a danger to you and everyone else . . . I tried to scare you away but that only led you to be further hurt and angry . . . I can 't let myself get close to you Kenna . . . I . . . I don 't want to hurt you . . . I couldn 't live with myself if I did . . . " Josh stopped . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Miku flinched as she heard a door slam somewhere close by , and looked out the door to see Kenna walk by . She seemed . . . hesitant ? Maybe a little fearful ? Miku wasn 't sure , but the disruption caused Kiroku to flinch in his own sleep . And then there came some yelling ; no doubt Emil and Josh . By that time , Kiroku was looking a little disturbed , and the village girl glared out into the hall . She took a few step out and saw that Emil was racing by . Perfect timing . " Keep it down , would you ? ! " Miku hissed , trying to be as quiet as possible , " Kiroku - kun is trying to sleep ! " She was kind of surprised that Josh hadn 't been tired , too , but she figured that the magic in him warded off the fatigue . Either way , she returned inside the room without a word more . As for Kiroku , the boy had been dreaming the whole time . At first it was a simple beach setting ; every one was there ( even Adriel and Gregory , but they were a lot less hostile ) and having fun . Clearly this had to be a dream , Kiroku thought , because there was no way there could be a fun day with everyone getting along . With that , he was able to change the dream to evict everyone except for Miku and Miharu . Now things were a bit more accurate . The three were lounging this time , but the boy was in the middle chair . Maybe it was symbolic , or maybe he was acting as a divider , but he didn 't think too much of it . And then Emil and Josh returned and were yelling at each other like usual . He tried to evict them again , but try as he might it wasn 't possible . It wasn 't until Miku ( the dream Miku ; the one right next to him ) suddenly said that he was trying to sleep that Kiroku was able to blast the two into the water with the sheer force of his mind . At the same time , some kind of water monster broke through the surface of the ocean and ate both of them at once before returning to the water . Everything went quiet after that ; as if none of it happened in the first place . " And I assume you let us stay because you care about us most ? " dream Miharu asked , reading a book as she sat there next to the boy . For her , it was her hair that was more detailed . Kiroku guessed he kinda liked the look of it . The same with Miku 's eyes . . . " Well , yeah , " Kiroku said nonchalantly , " I like you both . " He felt kind of odd saying it , since he just said it about the two of them . It was possible someone in the outside world would think he wanted to date them both or something , but he really didn 't have any regrets to say it in his own mind . After all , the two were both figments of his own imagination . They would understand that he meant that he felt close to both of them . But then , which one did he like more ? Miharu , or Miku ? It was a really difficult question to answer . Miku was a nice girl and rather fun to socialize with , but he was bonded to Miharu and she had more of a good balance of authority and kindness that put him at ease . There were other reasons to say why he liked them both , but what he didn 't know was how Miharu thought of him in the real world . It was easy to guess how Miku felt , but what if Miharu had the same feelings ? He didn ' want to pick one and break the other one 's heart . It sounded much more merciful if he really could pick both without judgement from the outside world . On the other hand , maybe it wasn 't as bad as he thought it was . Technically it didn 't matter if he had both on the inside . He could - - " I know what you are thinking , and if you dare think it I am going to kill you , " dream Miharu said , still reading her book as she directed the naginata Kiroku 's way . Kiroku laughed awkwardly as the blade was just inches from his nose . Even in his own dreams Miharu was rather no - nonsense . " Fine , fine ! ! At least let me finish the main point I was trying to make to myself before I feel awkward about it ! ! " Kiroku pleaded , though that withing itself made his brain hurt a little . " As I was thinking , it doesn 't really matter if I have to be with only one of you out in the real world . Even if I do , I can still love the other in a different way , right ? " Kiroku asked turning to each of them individually . Dream Miku and Miharu both answered him when he turned to them . Miharu smiled slightly at Miku 's hissing , before sidestepping around her . " I shall go order a bed now , " Miharu stated . " I guess Kiroku does not need one , but I think you would rather not sleep on the floor . " Miku nodded , smiling . " That 'll be nice . " She paused slightly . " Are you sure that you 're okay with . . . y ' know . . . " Miharu opened the door softly and exited , closing the door behind her softly . As she closed the door and turned around , she bumped into someone . She blushed , tilting her head down . It wasn 't like her to miss someone behind her . Adria sighed having gotten back to the castle with the others she had told Andre to go ahead to their room and that she would be back later needing to take a walk to clear her head . The day 's events where confusing and exhausting but she couldn 't rest yet she had to much to think about . She knew the nobles were staying and that meant her father was here . This is not going to turn out well she thought already picturing her fathers reaction to her familiar was not going to be a good one . Letting out a sigh Adria closed her eyes as she walked now back in her school uniform when she felt herself bump into someone . Her eyes shot open and she was staring straight up at a man with the same platinum blonde hair color as her . " F - Father I - I 'm sorry " she whispered looking down only to be surprised when the man hugged her . She listened to his story and understood why he wanted to leave . But she was not going to let him go that easily . He had become an important piece of her life even if he did scare her a little bit . She knew he would call her selfish but she did not care . " No . I understand why you feel like you do . But I am not going to lose you like this , you have become to important to me just to watch you leave . I can protect myself from you if worse comes to worse , but avoiding me and trying to kill me because you are scared of hurting me , that is just not going to work Josh . You can call me selfish all you like but I am not going to let you go . " Kenna told him . " I can 't . . . I don 't know how . . . I 've been used to hurt others before and this time . . . I know exactly whos using me . " Josh turned to face Kenna . " My father . . . he knew I would become that thing . . . he 's . . . a mage , which means that I 'm a mage too . . . but my Dad , he 's not the same as me . He can 't use my magic , at least not to the extent I can , if thats true and what I used was really void magic . . . then my Mother was . . . My mother was the last denizen of the void heritage . That means the woman who raised me isn 't my mother and it also means . . . this is not my first time in this world and if THATS true , than there must be a way for me to go back . . . if I was gone , then you 'd be safe , but . . . . I . . . I don 't want that . . . I know I want to keep you safe but I don 't want to leave you . . . " Josh frowned with indecision . " I didn 't expect it to turn out like this , I thought we 'd begin to seperate and that would be that , but Emil convinced me that wasn 't good enough and I think he may have been right . . . Kenna I . . . . I think . . . I think I love you . . . how it 's possible for me to feel so strongly after such a short ammount of time is beyond me , but I 'm almost sure of it . . . I 'm in love with you Kenna . . . and thats why . . . thats why I can 't bear to hurt you . " Josh could feel himself tearing up . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * I 'm in love with you Kenna . . . and thats why . . . thats why I can 't bear to hurt you . " Josh told her . Kenna looked at him for a second and then went over to stand in front of him . She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest . She pushed all her fear out of her mind . After hesitation , he hugged her back . Kenna pulled him to her as tightly as she could . She was not about to let him go . She had grown feelings for him too and meant that she was not going to let him go . " Its sweet of you to say so Kenna . . . but I don 't think thats possible , you saw what I did back there , I finished off the king of Germania like nothing , granted with help from Kiroku but still . Even when Emil who is stronger than you tried to stop me I swatted him away like nothing . I don 't want to . . . . how many times can I say it before you understand ? ! " Josh cried . " I can 't ! I just can 't Ok ! I can 't let myself get close to you , you don 't understand the extremitys of the situation ! This is too dangerous , more dangerous than you could ever understand ! " Josh was shouting now he pulled himself away from Kenna . " I don 't know . . . I don 't know if I 'm even safe from myself . . . I can 't drag you into this , I can 't . " Josh looked at the floor his arms hanging loosely by his sides . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * The resulting rumble from Josh smashing the floor with his fist caused the area to quake for just a moment . Miku braced herself and stood her ground , but she wasn 't worried about her own balance . Instead , she looked over to Kiroku worriedly . As soon as the rumbling stopped , Kiroku 's eyes slowly opened and the boy woke up with a small yawn . " It 's tomorrow already ? And you still don 't have your bed , Miku - chan ? " Kiroku asked , rubbing his eyes one at a time , " Did Miharu go off to check the status of it or something ? " " Go back to sleep , Kiroku , " Miku instructed , patting the top of his head as if he were a small child , " Miharu will be back soon . " The village girl proceeded out the door and looked for the door to Kenna 's room . It didn 't take too long , as the mage 's door had a marker - board sign on it that said " Kenna . " Raising her fist , she gently brought it to the door to knock , but then . . . " HEY ! ! ! WHAT DID I JUST SAY ? ! " Miku yelled , recoiling her extended fist back and punched with the other one . She then proceeded to kick the door a couple times ; the resulting echo of the wood being brutalized causing other magi to pop their heads out from their rooms to see what was going on . Most of them seemed a little intimidated seeing a new girl beating up the door to another girl 's room . However , the door didn 't break or anything . " If Kiroku doesn 't get enough sleep I 'm going to make sure he 's not the only one not feeling one - hundred percent tomorrow ! ! " She had her fist up to the door as if she was addressing everyone in the room in person . Having spoken her mind , she gave a small wave to all the other Magi looking , trembling in fear , and returned to Miharu 's room . " What was that , Miku ? " Kiroku asked as the girl returned to the room and closed the door behind her . She was laughing to herself a bit . " It 's best if you rest now , " Miku insisted , reaching out and pulling the boy towards her , " I 'll keep you company until Miharu arrives . " Kiroku blushed as he felt himself in Miku 's embrace once more . There was no doubt she had feelings for him , but Kiroku was still unclear . It would have been rude to ask her if she thought Miharu liked him like that , too , but it would have also seemed rude to him if she said no . Even if that were the case . He 'd have to get the answer from Miharu directly . Until then , Kiroku thought as he nuzzled himself up to the corner of Miku 's neck and shoulder , I can feel assured that at least some one loves me in this way . " Thank you and have a nice day , " Miharu bowed . The worker waved the thanks away . " Yeah , yeah , the bed will be there in an hour . " He paused slightly . " You 're welcome , and you too , " he added . Miharu walked off . Well , that was one problem solved . She walked back into the hallway and saw some magi whispering to each other and looking scared at her door . She raised an eyebrow . A few of them noticed her and argued " quietly " ; she could hear them loud and clear , but they thought they were arguing quietly . " Usually a sentence consists of a noun , a verb , and an adjective . I would suggest you to add some of those to your sentence , " Miharu stated sarcastically . She wilted . The second one opened her mouth . " Who is that girl in your chambers ? " Miharu had to bit back a grin . She couldn 't be losing her reputation as a sarcastic ice queen after all . " She is a friend , " was all that she would say about Miku - chan . Her voice , eyes , and face suddenly went cold , icy cold . " If I hear anyone say one bad thing about her , they are going to have something really cold up their rear . Get it ? " All three of them nodded fearfully . Miharu walked into her room , closed the door silently , and fell into silent fits of laughter , mindful of the sleeping Kiroku . " Did - did you really kick at Kenna 's door and threaten them to be quiet ? " She had known it was kicking due to the footprints she saw on the door and the small wood cracks . " Their faces . . . ! " Miku watched a little confused as Miharu walked inside all casually , and then broke down into fits of laughter . But then she started asking about the incident in the hallway and started to blush furiously . Had it really been that bad ? Miku knew she could be a little crazy when it came to standing up to others , but had she really gone that over - the - top ? Then again , she was new to the school . If she didn 't establish some sort of persona that would ward any possible bullies away then she would be an open target until she did . She didn 't think Kiroku nor Miharu wanted to feel like they were babysitting a social reject or anything . " Miharu - san - - I had already told them to be quiet , and did you feel that quake from that room ? It woke Kiroku up ! " Miku defended herself , her face growing a bright red as she looked down at Kiroku . She had to admit she took his nuzzling easier than hearing about her kicking at the door . She found it . . . cute . Who knew the boy , having already killed enemy soldiers and overthrew a monarch , could look so cute and innocent while he slept ? There was no look of trouble in his eyes - - " Eep ! I thought you were asleep ! " Miku cried , trying not to follow her impulse and throw the boy off . Kiroku still didn 't move , but he communicated like normal . " Yeah , you never said I actually had to fall back asleep , but I have been trying . At least until Miharu came in , " Kiroku said , smiling as he raised a thumb to his Mage , " It 's nice to know you 're in positive spirits . I 'd move , but I 'm so comfortable right now . . . haahnnnn . . . " Kiroku reached out and hugged Miku back to keep himself in place . He wasn 't going to lie ; he liked it . He had a rather dopey smile about him now , and he didn 't care . Miku - chaaan ~ ! Read me a story , please ! Kiroku thought as he chuckled to himself , No - no wait , that 's too much . . . Wow , didn 't realize how hard it would be to try and be whimsical in my own head . . . As Josh smashed the floor with his fist , Kenna screamed . The dark light that had surrounded Josh faded away as he passed out . Kenna stared at Josh 's limp body with disbelief . How had he destroyed the floor so effortlessly ? Kenna was not sure what she was going to do . Emil came charging in and took a look at the scene . He looked down at Josh and muttered to himself . Kenna untied her hair and wiped the tears of her face . Emil looked at her with soft eyes that were filled with sorrow . He helped her stand up . They walked and sat down on her bed . Kenna looked up to Emil and gave him a tight smile . He smiled back and then wrapped his arm around her shoulder . She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes . " You are becoming more and more like him each passing day . " " If I was , I would be able to make smart decisions and help people , not cause them pain . " She opened her eyes and gestured to Josh 's body . " I remember when me and Tristan were kids , your mother had just told us both that she was pregnant with you . Tristan was literally waiting on her hand and foot because he was so excited . " Emil smiled at the memory . " Yeah , it was quite amusing actually . Then when you were born , I did not see him for a full week because he refused to leave his house because he wanted to just hold you or spend time with you . After a while , he came out because I told him that I would buy him cookies . He used to love cookies . " " Cookies have always been his weak spot . " Kenna agreed . " I remember our first day of school . We were walking along the side of the path and I tripped into a huge puddle of water . I busted my lip and was freezing cold so Tristan gave me his jacket without a second thought . In the end , we broke out a game of tag with the rest of the students . " He stood up and gestured for Kenna to do the same . She stood up and grabbed Josh 's feet with Emil took his arms . They both carefully moved him to his bed of straw and let him rest there . Kenna quickly grabbed a blanket and put it over him . She walked back to her bed but she tripped on a brick and feel over . She picked herself up and sighed . It was going to be hard cleaning this up . " When you left , I just stared at him . He was passed out on our sofa . I grabbed a blanket from my room and put a bin near him . I put the blanket over him and as I did , he woke up . He looked at me briefly and then he grabbed the bin . He pukes his guts out over and over again that night . I just sat there and watched him . When he finally stopped , I got him a drink of water . I returned to find him with his head over the bin but he was not puking . I passed him the drink and he drank it really fast before passing out again . I looked after him that night and now I am looking after Josh in a similar way . " Kenna explained , Emil just listened to her story and nodded . Emil did not say anything , he hugged her back and they stayed like that for a while . Kenna 's eyes began to drop and she sighed . Emil looked at her and the smiled . He moved back and grabbed Kenna 's shoulders . He carefully laid her down and grinned . Kenna nodded and closed her eyes . The blackness was relaxing and peaceful . There was one thing she wanted to ask before she went to sleep though , she opened her eyes and looked at Emil . " Do not fear . . . you will not have to deal with them for much longer . . . now awaken . . . " " No . I change my mind I don 't want that . " Josh murmured . " I didn 't know if I was going to hurt you before . . . I couldn 't know but I 've realised that running away won 't help . If I really care about you , then how could I ever hurt you ? " Josh asked . " Kenna . I couldn 't , I could never even think about hurting you . Not ever . I don 't even want to go home anymore . . . I want to stay with you . If you 'll have me . . . and if poncy head doesn 't mind having a roommate for a little longer . " Josh smirked . " Just like him to not stay awake for more than five seconds . . . Looks like you 've got your answer Kenna . " Emil put his hand on her shoulder . " Everythings going to be fine . . . now get some rest . . . I 've gotta go see the headmaster about my new job . " Emil walked to the door and closed it behind him as he left . ~ Paired with Fire Heart ~ Yes I really am so awkward I got the least likely answer on this test . A teddy bear pokemon I guess on the plus side . . . I 'm cuter than everyone else * smugface * Kenna smiled at him as she watched him sleep . Emil said something and walked out of the room . Kenna watched him leave and sighed . She was really tired . She lay back down and moved herself closer to Josh . She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes . ( OOC : What is this ? Miku brutalizes Kenna 's door , and neither of you are going to acknowledge it ? ! Jeeze , if your three characters are so inattentive about their surroundings I ' mma have Kiroku randomly walk in and suddenly spray - paint all over the place XD ) Miharu shared a glance with Miku . They were conversing silently , when the conversation was broken . Miharu grinned and a sharp pain went through Kiroku 's hand to his head . He yelped and let Miku go . " I warned you , " Miharu lied . " No coping feels . Do not think I did not see that . " It was actually for a prank , but , really , it was all in good fun . Miharu opened the door . The person who spoke was gone , leaving the bed in front of the door . She sighed . " People these days , so impolite . " " First you fry my hand and now you make me use it . I think I have Stockholm Syndrome more thank anything , " Kiroku muttered to himself as he rubbed his hand gingerly . His face was still rather red , as he was sure he didn 't touch Miku like that , but now the idea was in his head . If he was going to get in trouble for it , he might as well have tried for it . . . Wow , that was just naughty . Thank you Miharu , now I 'm a creep , Kiroku thought to himself as he walked over to the side of the bed unattended and picked it up . Miharu seemed to smirk as she lifted it as well and pushed the bed into the room . She knew he was thinking how she wanted him to . " Kiroku , stop fantasizing and put some hustle into it , " Miharu said as Miku smiled to herself and watched the two banter on . Kiroku gritted his teeth as he tugged on the bed harder . He let himself bump his back against the wall and promptly dropped his side of the bed . " Oops , " Kiroku yawned as Miharu frowned , " how clumsy . My bad . " He side - stepped out from between the wall and the bed before the mage could slam him in between the two or something . Miku sighed as she pouted slightly . She forgot he was rather conscious of what the two thought of him . That and he had free reign over himself within reason ; she guessed he was one to question one 's authority over him from time - to - time . At the same time , though , Kiroku bent down to lift from the side and helped Miharu put it into place . " Yay ! Way to go , Kiroku ! " Miku cheered , hugging the boy as he stood up , " See ? No need to be so cranky ! " Kiroku 's teeth gritted harder as he heard the village girl . He wasn 't hearing her exactly , though . When the girl said " cranky , " he immediately looked in the mirror and saw a different female behind him . She was a few inches shorter than him , and with long black hair . Her smile seemed happy enough , but the eyes - - those eyes - - said something else . They were cold and filled with ridicule . He was being seen as lesser . Not again . Not this time . Kiroku threw Miku off him . . . literally . He grabbed her arm and swung her over his shoulder ; letting her back hit the new bed . She was perfectly fine , no injuries at all , but the act shocked the village girl . She laid there frozen as she looked at an upside - down Kiroku . " Don 't you condescend to me . . . like I 'm some sort of child ! ! " he growled , a fierce look in his eyes as he glared at the two with malice , " I don 't need this ! You 're always there in my shadow ; waiting for him to strike first so you can hit harder ! What kind of parent is that ? ! " Clearly he was channeling something else , but Miku couldn 't help but feel guilty as the boy huffed heavy breaths in his rage . He almost seemed to be about to cry - - his hands tense and trying hard to grip themselves . " Kiroku . . . Kiroku snap out of it ! ! " Miku cried , reaching out and grabbing one of his arms . It took a second to register , but when the boy saw Miku on the bed grabbing his arm his eyes began to refocus . I 'm sorry ; I got out of hand there , " Kiroku apologized , his free hand covering the corresponding side of his face . A massive headache had erupted as the rage subsided , and the memory of that woman over his shoulder refused to leave from behind his eyes . " I guess I 'm tired ; I 'll go to bed now . " " Kiro - kun - - " Miku tried to say , but cut herself short as the boy turned and walked to his own bed . He slumped down and curled himself up to go to bed ; facing away from both Miharu and Miku . But every time he closed his eyes , the same image became dominant and was the only thing he could see with his mind 's eye . Miku turned to Miharu . Maybe it was nothing , but it sure didn 't seem like nothing to him . The village girl was completely freaked out . Miharu frowned , watching silently . Kiroku was obviously having a violent flashback , probably about what Miku said . Having quite a horrible past as Kiroku , and she was sure that she hadn 't been given the full story , well , some triggers were most likely to happen . Miharu knew that if someone touched her without her knowing , she would either become introverted or become this violent . It was why she usually kept such a close eye on her surroundings ; she didn 't want to show weakness . Miku seemed to help Kiroku easily enough , though . " M - Miharu - sama . . . What was that . . . ? " asked Miku after Kiroku went to sleep . Miharu sighed . " Kiroku . . . He did not have the best of times on Earth . I have some of the details , but probably not all . Even so , I would not want to tell you in fear of losing his trust . If you really are curious , I would ask Kiroku yourself . " Miharu realized something . " Oh , no need to call me " Miharu - sama " . I do not really like the term and I am of no way above you at all . " " I - I - I 'm sorry , Miharu , " Miku apologized as she looked over at Kiroku . This was completely unexpected . Not only had the boy never once showed some signs of actual weakness in front of her before , but it caused so much pain for him to just flare up and react with such venom in his aspect . That gaze - - Miku shuddered as she felt it once again piercing through her defenses . That side of him was confusing . On the one hand , it looked like he wanted to defend himself ; resorting to real violence if pushed . On the other , though , he also seemed to want to be made defenseless ; to open up and reveal some sort of truth about himself . But in the end it looked like it was too painful to reveal that truth . " I was just - - You sometimes seem to have an air of nobility about you , but you 're not so interested in it like Emil is , " Miku stated as she tried to compose herself . The sympathy she had for the boy was making her less confident in herself . She helped open up some old wounds . . . Miharu froze . " Excuse me , " she managed to murmur and left . She managed to make it deep into the forest nearby before going into a rage attack . She started kicking and punching the trees in rage , not even noticing when her hands and feet started to be bloody . However , she wouldn 't stop kicking or punching , even if her uniform started to turn red with blood . She finally managed to stop with one final kick to the tree , perhaps twenty minutes later . She looked fairly bloody and Miharu looked at her ruined uniform in disinterest . She slumped down against the also bloody tree , before laying down completely on the grass . She closed her eyes . " Damn it , damn it , damn it , damn it , damn it ! " she muttered in Japanese . Miharu had thought that she had left all of it behind her ; all the rules and all the arogance . All the beatings and the ridcules . Never being the perfect daughter , unlike her older sister that had died when she was four . It was always her fault , it was never her sister 's . It was her fault that her sister died because of her . All . Her . Fault . Miharu could have laid there all day and night , but blood was probably going to attract some dangerous beasts to her . Luckily , she had done this enough that she knew where the streams were . She got up , slowly , and walked there , never minding the pain of her and her hands . It made her focus . She had always preferred beatings to the emotional pain . She managed to make it to a stream and washed herself , feeling better in the water . She also had managed to get most of the blood out of her uniform as the blood was fairly new . There were still some specks of it , but not enough to be noticeable . The red mixed with the clear blue of the stream as it washed away . Miharu could feel her rage washing away with the blood . She bandaged her hands and feet and put on her fairly wet uniform . She would walk around for the uniform to dry a bit before heading back to the school . It was helpful that she also knew how to avoid dangerous beasts . " Oh dear . . . " came Miku 's gasp as Miharu left the room . She was really batting a thousand with her new roommates . . . Getting up , she quietly followed the mage and entered the forest after her . She was careful not to make a sound , as Miharu looked like she was about to punch something out . As it turned out , she turned her rage to a tree and started to beat it up . Miku held her breath as she watched the other girl bleed from her knuckles but continued punching for a long while . As the girl moved on , Miku waited a second before following behind to a stream . She was cleaning herself up ? Miharu 's got some demons , too , Miku thought , watching as Miharu stood up , redressed in her uniform , and passed by without seeing her . " Mi . . . Miharu ? " Miku asked , walking out from her hiding place . She stared at the mage with a look of concern on her face . " Are you alright ? I 'm sorry if I said something to offend you . . . " During that time , Kiroku stayed quiet in the room and ignored the two leaving . He didn 't want to see what was going on ; he hardly wanted to move . Why did he have to explode like that ? Everything was going fine , at least as they could be when it seemed like the entire world was becoming more doomed with each passing day . He pretty much cemented his place in a group , gained the favor of a girl that cared for him , and even took down a monarch ruling over his kingdom with a literal iron fist . Now , however , he couldn 't find the strength to get up and apologize . How pathetic her really felt . Miku . . . Miharu . . . Kiroku thought , as if trying to talk to them like they were right there next to him again , Forgive me , I 'm a real screw - up . . . He refused to let himself cry ; he had done enough of that . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo , Creatures , GAMEFREAK , or The Pokémon Company International . We just love Pokémon .
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101 . This is a true story that happened to me a few years ago during the Northwest Airlines strike . I was scheduled to take a vacation and fly to friend 's house in Vermont . I arrived early for the plane and waited . The plane arrived and everybody got off the plane . After keeping us waiting at the gate for 45 minutes , the attendant came over the PA system and said , " ladies and gentlemen , we are having a slight problem . It seems that one of our smaller passengers had an accident in his seat and we are currently trying to get a replacement cushion . " Not long after that , without the cushion , they started to board the passengers . Guess who had the seat the accident had occurred in ? You guessed it . Yours truly . The attendants ended up wrapping the old cushion in a trash bag , wrapping that in another trash bag , and then putting that on the seat with a folding up blanket on top it . The attendant immediately turned to me and told me whatever I wanted to drink was on the house . And they say vacations are supposed to be relaxing ? ! ? ! 102 . I was over to a friends house helping her install some towel racks that she had bought for her bathroom , when we noticed that she had purchased a silver plated one along with the gold tone ones that we were installing . We needed to take a trip back to the store to exchange it . While in the store , her 2 and a half year old daughter had wandered to the next isle , the next thing we heard was " Mama , wipe my butt . Wipe my butt Mama ! " I could of just died , here she is sitting on a new toilet for sale , there 's a big turd in it and she wants her butt wiped . Her mom pulled up her pants and we left the area as fast as we could . While standing in the check out line , she starts whining , " My mom won 't wipe my butt ! " Just then , we hear on the loud speaker , We need maintenance cleanup in pluming . I was so embarrassed , I wanted to crawl under the counter . We laugh about it now . I have never returned to that store . I 'm glad it was in her neighborhood and not mine . 103 . Last Halloween my friend and I had a party . We decorated the staircase with black trash bags to make it like a tunnel . We also had a campfire grill going outside . Two days after the party we were cleaning up and decided to throw the ashes in our very large plastic dumpster . Well on top of the ashes we put the trash bags . About a half an hour later , my friends husband came home from work telling us that there was a fire in the alley and the dumpster was on fire . Oops ! We never got caught but sure did feel stupid ! 104 . Ok , this is not an excuse , but a funny story . When I was just into my teens I hung out a lot with my older brother and all his " skater " friends . Well , the house we lived in at the time was HUGE and we had a tendency to find weird games to play inside . One hot summer day we decided to split into team and have a water balloon fight . The point of the game was for the team that was locked out of the house to get into the house and capture the other team . ( Already sounding like any parent 's nightmare right ? ) Well , we locked the first floor , windows and all , and proceeded to attack the team outside . My brother , being the crazy boy he is , climbed a stucco wall to the second story , climbed through the bathroom window , and kidnapped me . He unlocked the back door , and his friends come in screaming with a hose on full blast . Our kitchen was soaked , I mean several inches of water on the floor . Well , my step - mom came home , and oddly was pleased , it seams the glue that had been used for keeping tiles down was impossible for her to get off . Our little water fight however had done the trick . If only she had used water from the get go we would have been in SO much trouble . 105 . My mother used to be an in home childcare provider and there were always kids at our house . One day all of the kids were outside playing some game and I was sitting on the porch . The kids suddenly got into an argument or something and they began to scream loudly . My Mother was inside trying to get one of the babies to stop crying . When she heard the kids screaming bloody murder she went to run out onto the porch with the screaming baby in her arms . The screen door was closed and she busted right through the screen knocking it off the track ! the kids , the baby and I just stopped and stared at her , then we burst out laughing . 106 . A friend and I work at Burger King , and apart from us most of the employees there are male . One day I was making burgers , and when you 're making burgers you can look down and see some of the people who are on the tills . Anyway , I was looking down and I saw that the person on the far left had a really nice butt . I watched it for the whole time I was there , and when we finished work I asked my friend ( who was on a till ) who the guy on the far left was because he had a really nice butt . She started laughing , and said " Um . . . Alice ? That was me . " Whoops . 107 . One day , while in Georgia , my dad got an e - mail , it was a voice email , so I heard it to . " ( My fathers name ) , I 'm having trouble with my computer , my mouse has reached the end of the mouse pad , but I need to go further down the page , can you help me ? " in those exact words . Needless to say , I was on the floor laughing my ass of , because it was probably the stupidest thing I had ever heard . 108 . Last year , my brother who had still worked at staples got a call from a customer . This is what was said . " HELP ME ! my cup holder is stuck ! ! ! ! " " Ma ' am , this is the electronics department , we can 't help you here . " " But , I have a cup holder on my computer ? " " Where ? " " Well , you press this button with a line and an arrow on it , and it opens , it has a hole in the middle . " It took my brother not that long to realize she was talking about the CD player . 109 . Christmas Blooper : I was at a girlfriend 's home for Christmas one year and we were all opening our gifts , when her Mom - a fairly large woman - pulls out one of her gifts and holds it up for all to admire . Now me wanting to throw in as many compliments as I could , told her what a beautiful shower curtain she had received . Guess what ? It wasn 't a shower curtain , it was a very bright and colorful nightgown . The entire room went quiet for a moment , then everyone burst into laughter . I was very careful the rest of the night when giving anymore compliments . Reprinted with permission from : The Most Embarrassing Moment of my Life http : / / www . mostembarrassingmoment . com 110 . I was a member of a university marching band & we performed a halftime show on a very cold , late - autumn night . The band director instructed us to wear several layers of warm clothing under our bulky uniforms . After playing this one certain song , we were to fall back & lie down on the field at the 50 yard line . Then upon hearing the Drum Major 's whistle , we were to stand up & get ready for the next number . Everything went as planned , but there was uncontrollable laughter coming from the audience . The guy next to me says , " Look at the Sousaphones ! " Our four sousaphone players had not heard the signal & were just lying there on the field . When they realized they had missed the cue , they were rolling around on the field trying to get up but couldn 't due to their bulky clothing & large instruments . The director always had our performances filmed from the press box & showed it to us the following week . That was the funniest thing I 've ever seen . 111 . * True Story * I had to do a power point presentation for biology on fossils . Our teacher said she wanted heaps of graphics and stuff on it , so , the weekend before it was due , I was working madly away at my assignment . I was only halfway thru when I realized it was already over 6MB ! ! I stopped , zipped it and spanned it onto 5 disks , so I could take it to school on the Monday and finish it before it was due ( 1st period Wednesday ) . I took the disks in on the Monday and one had an error on it . When I got home I re - zipped it and used new disks , went back to school and accidentally left my _ black _ bag in the sun and 2 ended up with errors on them ! ! by now I was absolutely freaking out . My very helpful computers teacher told me that , when I got home , to split the slide show up into smaller bits and then to send them to him via email and he 'd put them back together for me . I got home and started splitting them up , halfway thru the comp froze up so I had to reboot . Then , coz I had a really crappy connection , it took me about 10 tries to log on . Then , while I was online , the connection froze up ( as it often did ) and I couldn 't upload the files . The teacher told me to call before 4 : 30 and it was now 4 : 45 ! ! ! ! I was in a right state then ! I managed to finish the presentation , split it onto about 6 disks , take it to school . I asked the teacher for an extension , she gave it to me . Then when I got it onto the school comps they had power point 98 and I had 2000 so some of the pics didn 't work ! ! ! I finally fixed it up and I had to get my computers teacher to burn it onto a cd so I could show it on the library comps . On the Friday I had to do it the teacher forgot to bring the disk to class ! ! ! I was sent to the staff room and it was finally found . I finally got to do my presentation and I got top marks ! ! = D 112 . Ok this isn 't an excuse , but was a pretty funny story . I was working in the office at my school and to keep from walking to the other side of the office to pee , I decided to go to the crappy little on with 2 stalls . Well a mother and daughter went in and then me . So the mother went in one stall and didn 't know I was going in , but the daughter saw I came in because she was waiting for her mom . Well , the mom not knowing anyone else was in there , lets out a big fart ! I laughed so hard , silently that I peed and she heard me , and I stayed in the stall until they left . I bet I was more embarrassed than the mom was ! ! 113 . My best friend and I were in Skeeters and kept flirting with these really hot guys , and then she told me that she had to go to the bathroom , when she came back everyone started to laugh really hard , she had a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe . . . needless to say . No one has ever let her live it down . 114 . Many years ago my mom had a very small birthday party . I mean very small . It was just my dad my mom and I . Well , my dad decided to buy some of that sparkling juice stuff . Apparently , he did not know it was carbonated , ( I don 't know how that one slipped him , but it did ) so he shook it ! We were all sitting at the kitchen table with these lame little party visors on , when he opened it ! Oh my goodness , it was like a firework spraying in the kitchen . You should have seen his face , him with the stupid visor , and all that drink just falling from it . He had no expression on his face other than - What have I done - he was calm but in disbelief that he had actually shook it ! ! ! I will never forget that day , it was HILARIOUS ! ! ! ! ! 115 . Me and my friend were on a skateboard together at the top of her drive . She was sitting down and I was standing behind her . All of a sudden , we started rolling down , and it was very steep . I closed my eyes and when I woke up I was in the middle of the road facing the opposite direction . I had blacked out and I noticed loads of people { mostly teenage boys } standing around me . I was soooooo red ! ! ! 116 . Alright ! ! Ok my mom and my 7 year - old sister were at Qin Dynasty , a very elegant restaurant . My mom has recently experienced an awful stomach illness , and she had to go . So she paid for the food , since they didn 't have a table any longer , she therefore had to take my sister along with her to the restroom . Well my mom continued with her duties , while my sister exited the bathroom . My mom got worried and told her to come back . She screamed across the restaurant , " NO ! ! You have stunk it up too much , mommy ! ! " My mom basically wanted to crawl under the sink and die . Once she was done , and got my little sister and was walking out , she heard roars of laughter coming from most of the restaurant ! ! HAAA HAA ! ! I hope this is as entertaining to me and my family , as it probably will be to yours ! ! : - D 117 . This is not an excuse but it is fricken funny ! Ok I am in the 8th grade and I was coming in from lunch and after lunch me and my friend like always go into the bathroom and I really had to pee . And I was going pee and my friend was telling me a REALLY FUNNY story and when I was on the pot she said something funny and I was laughing and I was trying to hold in this fart but I couldn 't and it was the loudest fart I have or my friends ever heard and they laughed and it was so funny ! ! ! And when I came out of the girls bathroom this girl who was in the hall started laughing and said , " I heard that " ! ! ! We all laughed during 5 period . 118 . On my first day as an MP , my partner and I were approaching an intersection when the car in front of us went flying through a red light . As I started to pursue the car , my partner reached over and turned on our lights and siren . Instinctively , I slowed down and pulled over . When my partner asked what I was doing , I told him I was stopping for the emergency vehicle . " That 's us , you idiot ! " he shouted . " Now go get that car ! " 119 . This is soooo embarrassing . I was in 5th grade and I sat next to a very popular boy , but I didn 't like him . I went to go ask the teacher something and when I sat down I let out a huge fart and the boy laughed at me and told the guy I liked , but luckily the guy didn 't believe him . 120 . I was in gym class and we were all doing our sit ups and when I got up from doing them I farted really loud and the boy behind me said ewww to me pointing to this other girl saying she farted . I was soo happy he didn 't find out it was me . 121 . Here 's a funny story this was when I was in high school , me and 2 of my friends were waiting to cross the street . The crosswalk sign was taking quite a while to change so we started talking , one of my friends , we 'll call him mike , started talking about rap music while talking he started flashing sign with his hands . We did not realize that the crosswalk light had now change , so we proceeded to cross the street . Meanwhile while crossing the street mike is still talking about rap music and still flashing some sign with his hands , all of a sudden halfway across the street we heard somebody honking their horn . I turn my head to the side I see this redneck dude in a pick - up truck yelling , " Hurry the f * * * up you son of a b * * * * * * " , then out of nowhere the redneck dude grabs a handful of biscuits and hurled it toward us . The biscuit smack mike right in his face , then another biscuit came flying in it bounce off my forehead and hit mike in the face again . When we finally got to the other side of the road mike is complaining that biscuit had gotten into his eyes and he couldn 't see . 122 . Once my uncle stepped out of his NYC apartment building , a cigarette in one hand and a letter in the other . When he got to the mailbox down the street , he opened it up , threw in the cigarette . When he held the letter to his lips and tried to inhale , he realized what he 'd done . . . Another time he made a quick shopping stop at the drug store , purchasing ( among other things ) breath freshener and spray deodorant . A cute girl was working the cash register and , trying to be suave , he decided to freshen his breath . He reached into his bag of recent purchases without looking , removed the deodorant , and sprayed directly into his mouth . He didn 't think she noticed as she turned back to continue talking to him . Needless to say , he ceased being a good conversationalist as all of the cells in his mouth congealed into a swirling mass of anti - perspirant chemical madness . 123 . This is not an excuse it is just really funny . This year ( grade 7 ) we had 124 . I was waiting in line at motor vehicles to take my driving test for a motorcycle when a car came in with the instructor driving , he looked a bit shaken and this older lady got out and yelled to her husband . " Harry , the only stop sign on the course and I ran right through it " . We all cracked up . When my instructor came to me he said , " the idea is DO NOT fall off the bike " . 125 . My mum is a doctor at a nearby hospital , and one night she was driving my little sister to her guitar lesson . They were coming back and the guy in front of them was going reaaaaaally slowly - it was a 40 limit and he was doing about 25 . So Mum presses the horn several times . A couple of minutes later , the guy pulls over and gets out of his car . He comes stamping along to Mum 's car in a rage . My little sister thinks he 's got a baseball bat or a gun or something . So Mum winds down the window and says " It 's a 40 limit , why the f * * k were you doing 25 ? ? " Then the guy has the cheek to moan at HER because he says she was tailgating ! Later , they were driving along the dual carriageway and he overtakes . Mum gets thoroughly pissed off and zooms in front of him at 100mph in front of a lorry and luckily makes it . The guy gives the fingers and turns off towards a village . The next day , she was working at the hospital and she thought she recognized one of her patients . She checked his notes , and sure enough , he was from that village . She was reading his medical history and the guy 's had a couple of broken bones and a vasectomy ( yes , this is true ! ) . She 's about to anaesthetize him ( to put him to sleep before an operation ) , and instead of calming him down about the anesthetic injection , she says , " Okay , this is going to hurt . " The guy looks a bit uneasy , and he 's looking at her face in a strange way . He says , " Hey , how long is this going to take ? " " Oh , don 't worry , " my mum says . " I do everything quickly . Especially driving . " And with that , she stuck the needle in . She still tells me what the look on his face was like ! ! 126 . When I was in 5th grade ( I 'm in 7th now ) I had watched way too much of the movie Big Daddy . So as I was cooking pasta , I decided to act like the kid , Julian , from the movie . I put the steel strainer on my head , and put on a big pair of my dad 's boots . I ran down the hall , yelling , " Help me ! Help me ! I don 't know where I live ! " Of course , as I turned to see my mom 's reaction , I tripped on the boots , and fell face first into the open closet door . I ended up with a scratch on my face and a scraped arm . 127 . Ok one time , I was walking my dog , and this is very true it was hot and a guy was following me with a bottle of water , now I realize I am not the brightest guy on the block , but hey I was very thirsty so I asked him for a drink he said sure , but not from the water bottle . . . . hmm I was clueless as to what he meant . So I said . . . ok . . . we kept walking ( in the opposite direction now ) and we went to an apartment building it was so dark ( and about my dog , I took it home why I didn 't get drink there I dunno ) anyway he dropped his pants right there . . . . I was like . . OMG now I knew what he meant by not this water bottle . . . so I ran home ! 128 . It was September 11th 's anniversary I decided to fly my American flag outside my house to show my patriotism . Shortly after returning from the store I realized that my flag was missing and the bracket broken . Assuming it had been stolen I called to report it stolen . An hour later my neighbor returned home and I told her the story of how my flag had been stolen . She then informed me that the wind had been so strong that it broke the flag right off my house . She had seen it break so she picked the flag up and put it in my house . It was sitting in my living room as I was filling out the police report the whole time . How stupid of me ! ! ! ! ! ! 129 . This is not an excuse but really funny . About a year ago two of my friends ( who will remain nameless ) decided to buy some adult diapers . After they put them on the went to Wal - Mart and had a contest to see who could walk around the longest after shiting his pants . The best part is that he tells people about this . 130 . This is a true story about my husband when he was a boy of about 7 or 8 . He and his brother usually backed each other up , so no one would pick fights with either one , but one day my future brother - in - law was kept after school , and his elder , but smaller brother had to walk the 5 miles home to the farm alone . Of course , that was the moment the school bully had been waiting for ( most likely in revenge for a pummeling he 'd received sometime before at the hands of the 2 brothers ) . The bully , larger and older than the now lone brother , followed his quarry about a mile before screaming at the top of his lungs and rushing for his intended victim . But the smaller child stood his ground , quietly picked up a good - sized rock and let it fly , hitting the bully square in the face . After a moment of stunned silence , the erst - while bully broke into loud wails and ran home shouting a promise to " tell . " That evening my future father - in - law faced the wounded bully and angry , self - righteous parents , whom he had never particularly liked . ( His wife had fled from the scene and took refuge behind a sudden " headache " when the three accusers began their verbal attack . ) Marching indignantly into the front parlor , the mother screeched at my future father - in - law , " Just look at the horrible thing your brat has done . My little darling has a broken nose , a black eye , and a deep cut on his cheek . He might have died at the hands of your scoundrel . " Then she demanded that the other boy 's father punish his son severely . My father - in - law had a reputation for being very strict with his sons , and as my husband later told me , he just knew he was in for a good " whuppin " , when he was called in to face his dad and the bully , now smirking behind his mother 's skirts . " Son , did you truly hit this bigger , older boy square in the face with a rock ? " asked the father . " Yes . . . Yes , sir " stuttered the boy , head down awaiting the punishment . " What in tarnation did you think you were doing ! " insisted the father . " Looking for a bigger rock ! " The father tried for 132 . This is a funny story one of my friends told me . When he was in the Marines he went on a trip with another guy in his unit . They pulled up next to girl at a stop sign so one of them rolled down his window and asked the girl " Do you like it in the ass ? " She asked him what he said so again he he asked her , " Do you like it in the ass ? " She responded with , " Oh yeah ! " They drove away and had to pull off the road they were laughing so hard . 133 . One time my mom and dad were talking about the locks on the new truck my dad bought . It has the lock that you have on a keychain and push the button on it to lock or unlock them . Well anyway , my mom asked my dad what would happen if the battery went dead in the keychain lock , and my dad said " Use the Key " . 134 . Two years ago at Christmas we had a family party and my best friend had come with me , my parents had gone home and me , my friend , one of my cousins , and one of my aunts decided to go sledding around midnight . As I was going down the hill I hit a bump and went flying , I landed on , my face and wound up with a concussion , a scraped up face and my front teeth knocked loose . My mom was really mad until she slipped on the ice and got a concussion the next day forgot why she was mad . 135 . My very creative husband ( age 30 at the time ) was walking in the house after thanksgiving dinner at his mothers house , carrying a HUGE bowl of gravy . HE DROPPED IT ! ! ! I was horrified because being the holidays I had just recently steam cleaned my light gray carpets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . my darling husband then looked all around then pointed down the hallway and shouted " THERE HE GOES , IT WAS THAT PURPLE DINOSAUR AGAIN , I TOLD YOU HE EXISTED , HE JUST KNOCKED THE BOWL RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND ! ! ! " Of course by then the kids ( ages 6 , 8 , 10 , 10 , and 12 ) were in the house , they were in stitches laughing at their dad ( taking notes no doubt ) and all I could do was laugh right along with them . So now anytime there is a mishap in my house it gets blamed on the dinosaur ! ! ! 136 . Years back , having just moved to New York City , I was excited to try out as many different types of foods as I could . I scoped out lesser known restaurants from local papers . One day I was very excited about a small write up on a family owned Greek restaurant ( I love Greek food ) and decided to have lunch there . It was in a very unfamiliar part of the city but close enough to where I worked . I wrote down the address the night before on a piece of scrap paper and shoved it in my pocket , making note that the restaurant was on the 2nd floor of a brownstone ( not unusual in NYC ) . It took me a while but by 12 : 30 or so I 'd found the address and eagerly went up the stairs through an open door . In the center of a big open room was a single , long table loaded down with truly wonderful looking food . I stood there for a minute awaiting someone to seat me while the 4 or 5 people seated at the table gawked at me . Finally a small , heavyset woman , well into old age approached me and promptly slapped me in the face yelling at me in what I assumed was Greek . A younger man came running from the back of the place and apologized saying that his grandma didn 't like strangers in their apartment . Their apartment ? Whoops , seems I had written the address down wrong and had walked right into the middle of someone 's house while Grandma was serving lunch . I tried to feign an explanation about how my medicine wasn 't working as I bolted out of there & headed for a the more familiar " Golden Arches " for lunch . I never did find that Greek restaurant and wasn 't sure that I wanted to . I remain afraid of restaurants in unfamiliar places to this day . 137 . Well this is for the funny things section . One night while working at Walmart . . . Yes Walmart ! I was trying to shake a couple of carts loose . I finally gave up started to walk away and they just rolled apart ! The next night I tried to get a piece of wood stuck between the the wall and bin , and the same thing . I gave up and it fell out . How bout ' that ? 138 . I was raised Catholic as a young child and every time I had to go to confession , my stomach would rumble and roll like I was going to explode . Once when I was standing in line with other kids outside of a confessional , waiting for my turn , I thought I would just burst . Finally I couldn 't hold it back any longer and a small , lingering squeal came out from under my skirt . I panicked and didn 't know what else to do so I just leaned forward and looked at the last kid in line ( as if she did it ) and leaned back against the wall . Suddenly I realized that it had worked because everyone else was looking at her too ! 139 . Last Christmas I was at my best friend 's house with some other friends . I got the bright idea for me and one of my friends to moon another friends digital camera and put the picture on the computer before we left . The next day I was back over and my friend 's dad asks me " What the hell , were you not thinking ? " I was laughing so hard I couldn 't respond . 140 . I read a funny story , It was about a woman who was preparing her poodle for a dog contest . He only had a few minutes until the show started and her dog was wet , so she got out the hair dryer and it wasn 't working , so she put the poodle in the microwave and to her horror the dog exploded . 141 . One night I was bored . I couldn 't sleep . So I started looking in all my drawers for something to do . At the bottom of one drawer I found some interesting things - rolls of caps , from my infant school days ! Not having much to do at the time I started scratching them in my hands to make them go off . I was doing this for a while when I realized something - I was on fire ! One of them had sparked off onto my dressing gown ! I had to take my dressing gown off and stamp on it to put it out . Then , alerted by my stamping , my mother rushed in to find me stamping on my burning dressing gown , completely naked . I threw away the rest of the caps . 143 . Once when my sister and I were teenagers , we had our boyfriends over . She took her boyfriend in the bedroom to fool around , and me and mine hung around the living room . Then , unexpectedly , our mother came home - - early ! We knew my sister would get busted big time , and so would I for allowing it . I tried to stall our mom with some conversation , but we started hearing loud voices from the bedroom . Suddenly the boyfriend bursts out of the bedroom and leaves the house , followed by my sister shouting " and don 't come back ! " My mother was so concerned that they had had such a bad fight and tried to console her , ignoring the fact that they had been alone in the bedroom . Later , I asked her what they had been fighting about . She confessed that they had staged the fight to fool Mom . She was so good , she fooled me too ! 144 . My 3 year old sister had gotten into my make up and it was all over her . She told my mom it was a big bug and said it threw my make up at her and then she lead my mom out side to show her that it lives under the deck . 145 . This ain 't an excuse , its something really embarrassing that happened to me . One night , I went for a vigil at my church , this night the church was exceptionally packed full . Sometime around 2 : 00am in the morning , the pastor asked us to stand for prayers and we began a long session of prayers . After a while , I was feeling sleepy so I sat down and continued prayers . After an hour or so , I heard the pastor say ' stand up and pray ' , and then I realized I had dozed off for a while . So I stood up and started mumbling some prayers . Suddenly I heard a friend whisper in my ear ' sit down , we 're not being asked to pray ' . I opened my eyes groggily to realize the whole congregation was sitting down and the pastor was preaching . All the young guys around me were having a filled day laughing at me . I was highly highly embarrassed . After the vigil all my friends ( especially the opposite sex ) made it a topic of laughter . 146 . We were doing our school musical , Guys and Dolls , and we where on the seen where Sky Masterson and Saras come back from Havannah . Sky was supposed to say : Look , a doll like you shouldn 't get mixed up with a guy like me . " Instead , Sky went : " Look , a guy like you shouldn 't get mixed up with a doll like me . " Needless to say , it took a long time for the laughter to die down . 147 . One Christmas my brother got a BB gun and my sister kept telling him that it was not a " real " gun and that it was a gun made for children . ( which is what he was at the time ) The more she continued with it not being " real " he looked at her and continued to pump the gun and then shot her in her in the leg and asked her with a grin . . . does that feel like a play gun ? 148 . I had a new boyfriend and was getting ready to go visit him in the city . I decided to cut and craft my bikini line and , using my Swiss army knife scissors to trim . I accidentally cut in the wrong place . . . cupping myself I waited for the pain to kick in after the shock wore off and after clearing up the blood and finding some comfortable panties so not to damage the area any more , I left my mum 's house for London . Later that day I had a conversation with my mum explaining what I had done and she called me a dirty cow , reason being that she had sat on the toilet and thought there 's a lot of cat fur on the floor . 149 . When we were very young my brother was in the garden on a hot sunny day ( as were our religious neighbors ) and found an old bouncy ball he hadn 't seen since the summer before . He rushed in through the open kitchen door , washed the ball and wiped it on a tea towel to which my mum shouted for the whole world to hear " Dale that 's my tea towel its not for wiping your dirty balls on ! " 150 . Well , this happened about two years ago at my ex - boyfriends house . His family and I had eaten dinner together with these beautiful candles in the center of the table . We went to the TV room for about an hour to watch some TV in the dark . During the TV show we could see the candles rays next door flickering . . . My ex 's mom even said , " Wow . . those candles are powerful . . looks like a strobe light ! " . . . About 10 minutes later my ex 's brother got up to go into the kitchen , and the entire table was in flames ! Needless to say , she doesn 't use candles anymore ! ! 151 . When I was at work , I fell down - and I was holding onto someone 's pants . There pants fell down and they had a thong on . 152 . I was in the bank with my 2 year old son , while I was talking with the clerk I heard a woman screaming so I turned around and there he was he had lifted up a pregnant woman 's dress and was standing under it laughing and yelling look everyone she don 't wear underwear . She was naked under her dress . I yelled at him and said wait till I take you to your mom , he replied really loudly but your my mommy . I was so embarrassed but it was funny . 153 . One day , ( In the 5th grade ) I was in P . E . , and we were talking to the P . E . teacher in a circle , and while we were talking , we paused for a moment , to think about a question the P . E . teacher had given us . In that awkward silence , one of my friends , ( who shall remain nameless ) farted out loud . Then , everyone turned , and looked at her . She looked back at them totally RED ! Then , she goes , " ummmmm . . . . . . , I ummmmm . . . . " 154 . One time my mom caught my dad picking his nose she told him don 't eat your buggers . He says there 's nothing else to eat around here . We busted up laughing . 155 . One day , my uncle , my mother , my dad , my brothers , and me , were having a food fight at some restaurant . Out of no surprise , my uncle started it . Man was it screwed up . Corn was everywhere , farting contests , and worst of all , my dad walked over to the desert table , picked up a slice of cake , crammed it in his mouth , and put the plate back on the desert table ! Needless to say , I have a strange family . Especially my uncle ! 156 . When I was around 7 I was at a restaurant with my family and I had to go to the bathroom . Being alone in the bathroom and also being a sneaky little child I decided I wanted to play a trick so I locked all of the stalls and crawled underneath them . When I got back from the bathroom my mom said that she had to go about 3 minutes later she came storming out of the bathroom screaming , for the whole restaurant to hear , " Erin go unlock those bathroom stalls that was not funny ! " I was so embarrassed I had to go into the bathroom with about 10 ladies waiting for me and I crawled under the stalls to unlock them . It was soo embarrassing ! ! To this day I still don 't know how she knew it was me . 157 . My ex - husband cleaned out the wood stove and put ashes in a paper bag . The garage caught on fire , it burned all the garbage and the lawn mower and scorched the freezer . 158 . Once my dad was fixing his truck and he told me to sit in the cab and push on the brakes when he told me to . So there I was holding the brakes and he was busy up under the hood Well being the devious child I was I was listening to a song on the radio and it said " Honk , honk honk . " So as instinct I honked the horn and my dad hit his head . It was so funny but he beat my butt after he got finished having heart failure ! ! 159 . When I was little , I stood on top of my highchair and danced to Madonna . Then I took two handfuls of spaghetti and stuffed it into my diaper . 160 . This was roughly about 4 years ago , one rainy day , my moms boyfriend took me and by best friend ( who shall remain nameless for pain of death ) to Gold 's Gym to swim . Well around 4 : 30 or so we got hungry so we went to the shower stalls and thought we had grabbed out towels . But instead we both grabbed out matching white shirts ! Its feels like your doing the 50 yard dash when you don 't have your towels and have to run all the way from the showers past the door less halls through the " women 's " locker area to where we put out stuff . The worst part was , a group of really hot guys saw us ! 161 . My friend 's mom left me and her son alone for a day while her and his 6 sisters when to visit their dying grandpa in the hospital . Well me and her son are such trouble makers ! I had the baggiest cargo pants on that day ever and I was running around the house in his sisters high heels and had put bright red lipstick on , well I tripped my self and my head went right through there new cabinets ! It was so embarrassing cuz her son couldn 't get my head from out of it . . . . So I laid on the floor with my head in the cabinet for 3 1 / 2 hours before some was able to get my head out ! 162 . The other day I was standing in the lunch line at school when my friend Megan tells me that the guy standing behind us has his fly unzipped . Sure enough , when I turned around , HELLO ! ! ! ! ! We both started cracking up . I told him and he started screaming like a little girl ! He ran to the bathroom and soon came back as red as his shirt . Poor guy . ( we didn 't even know him ! ) : P 163 . When I was in first grade I was working on some stuff and the whole room was extremely silent ( it was reading time ) . When I sat down on the floor I let out the LOUDEST fart imaginable . Oh my God . I was soooo embarrassed I cried ! 164 . When I was younger , I was doing a play & had a mike . So what happened - I needed too fart , so I put the mike down and farted ! Not ashamed to hear this big ripp ! But ashamed because I got detention ! 165 . My friends randy hates bugs with the passion . One day some funky looking bug landed on me and he started flipping out . And it was like some sort of bee . I told him to get it off so he picked up a huge peace of ply wood and tried to hit me with it . I was screaming at him asking him if he was out of his mind . So he grabbed a metal specula and smashed it wile it was on my chest . This left a good welt . 166 . When I was a kid my mum used to keep the burning fireplace ashes in a bucket out the back . One day she said to me " Go pick up the dog manure and put it in the bucket out the back because the bin was full . So I went down the back and the only bucket I saw was the bucket with the burning ashes in it so I did as I was told and put the manure in the bucket . Ten minutes later we were engulfed in the horrible smell of burning dog manure . 167 . One day my friend Leslie and I went to the bathroom to tell my other friend that this guy she likes , likes her , so we were talking to her and we thought she was in the stall and I threw water over the stall at her . But then my friend Leslie said she just saw Mary ( girl that was supposed to be in the stall ) run across the pavement so we ran out to see her . And Leslie and I were so embraced , and I remembered I threw water over the stall . 168 . We were all at my friends 18th birthday and my best friend was walking with this other girl to go inside , and well all our friends family were inside and my best friend walked smack bang into the glass sliding door . All our friends family rushed over but to make it worse she blamed it on the girl she was walking with . 169 . DON ' T DO THIS ! ! ! My girlfriend and I decided to go skiing with the local college ski club on their chartered bus . We left very early in the morning , and I polished off a bottle of champagne in the hour before we stopped for breakfast . Well , she didn 't want to drink anything until after breakfast , so I stored her full 750 ml . bottle of Cold Duck ( the sweetest of the carbonated wines ) in my daypack under the seat . Anyway , just after breakfast we were back on the bus , and she agreed that I could open the Cold Duck . A few things happened very quickly : ( 1 ) The plastic cork + + blasted + + off the top of the bottle and + dented + the aluminum ceiling of the bus ! ( 2 ) I looked down , and realized that the whole bus was about to have a cold , sticky wakeup splash ! ( 3 ) Being the creative and compassionate sort that I am , I decided to plunge the neck of the bottle into my mouth and try to swallow the Cold Duck that was exploding toward the ceiling . ( 4 ) As the Cold Duck hit my mouth , I was reminded that I do not like the taste of Cold Duck at the same time I realized that I could not hold the top of the bottle with my lips - - I grabbed on with my teeth . ( 5 ) I held on tight as a hurricane of Cold Duck exploded in my mouth , coming out my nose - - I pinched my nose shut ! It started coming out around the neck of the bottle - - I clamped my lips around the bottle with my other hand ! ( 6 ) The rest of the explosion went on for a short eternity and then subsided as Cold Duck dribbled out my eyes , my nose , and I swear , my ears . . . There was a small puddle ( probably about a half a cup ) of Cold Duck at my feet . I was groggy , dazed , blinded , and deaf from the rushing sound of carbon dioxide bubbles . ( 7 ) As I fought back the involuntary tears , I saw that the Cold Duck bottle was now only half full ! ( 8 ) I wiped the tears from my eyes , and looked around at the horrified people alerted by the twin noises of the cork popping like a rifle shot and the incredible ' crack ! ' of the cork denting the ceiling , at people who + knew + that they were about to get a carbonated shower . ( 9 ) They applauded my self - sacrifice ! ! ! ( 10 ) Because I still did not like the taste of Cold Duck , I handed the rest of the bottle to my girlfriend , and because I was already kinda sloshed from the earlier champagne , I immediately passed out for the remaining two hour trip . I don 't remember how well I skied that day , or even how the trip back was , but nobody gave me any grief , thank goodness ! ! ! 170 . There was this burglar who decided to steel petrol from a mobile home . It was in the middle of the night so it was pretty dark so he put a tube in the petrol tank and sucked to start the petrol flowing but he accidentally put his tube in the septic tank ! His mouth was full of it ! 171 . This isn 't an excuse but a funny story . Me and my grade eight class were coming home from our school trip when we stopped for supper at a restaurant . And one of my friends not being very bright did not read properly the menu and when he did not see just a plain hamburger there ( How can you screw up reading a menu ) he proceeded to order a cheeseburger with no cheese needless to say the teachers have not let him live it down . 172 . The other day I drove by a nursing home and saw a few old men walking around outside . None looked all that excited to be there , who could blame them . Then I saw the sign with the name of the place " Bent Wood " . It 's true , in St . Louis , MO . . . No wonder those old men seemed unhappy ! 173 . Me and my mate decided to play a joke on someone and put a fiver on a pile of sh * t . Hiding in a shop we watched as people ignored the fiver . then some guy picked it up , put it in his pocket and slapped his girlfriend a high five . hilarious 174 . This is not an excuse but , when I was 11 in 5th grade in 2004 I was at softball practice and I was up to bat . There was a cute boy in the 6th grade behind me as catcher . When I swung I let out a HUGE fart , and everyone laughed . All my friends thought the cute boy made the noise so everyone would laugh at me , but it was ME . Since , I had gotten back from Mexico the day before , I told everyone I got sick because of drinking the water there . But the 6th grader on 3rd base would make a farting sound with his hand and mouth every time I saw him . My friends and I just laugh . 175 . In fifth grade I was sitting and reading a book wile every body was silent , I suddenly farted and turned around . Everyone was looking at me ! So I turned to the person next to me ( her name was Jenny ) and said " Jenny ! " as if she had farted ! So they thought that it was her ! WOOPS ! 176 . I was in the pre - surgery room waiting to have a double mastectomy . I had been given some valium when the nurses were informed my surgeon was called in for an emergency surgery and they would not be able to operate on me for several hours . I went to sleep and was awaken by the doctor some hours later . As is the custom in hospitals now , he asked me what surgery I was having - I replied " a double vasectomy " . The doctor and nurses were still laughing when I woke up in recovery . 177 . My husband called me at work one day mad as hell . I could make out " don 't ever buy tub cleaner in a can that looks like hairspray " ! He had accidentally sprayed his head wit " scrubbing bubbles " . 178 . This isn 't an excuse but it 's pretty funny ! One Friday night my cousin and I had some people over her apartment for a little party . Well as it got later , we were all feeling a little tipsy , okay a lot tipsy . Anyway I had to go to the bathroom and my cousin had to go too , but the large bathroom was being used by someone , so we went in her bedroom bathroom . Well this bathroom is VERY small , and it 's literally a foot away from the shower . So I enter the bathroom first and as she enters , she shuts the door , and her butt / hips hit me and I fly into the bathtub , taking the shower curtain and rod with me . We were both laughing so hard ! And the funny thing is , I 'm so drunk I couldn 't get out of the bathtub ! So I 'm asking her to help me , and instead she runs outside into the living room and calls everyone into the bathroom and tells someone to bring the camera . Then when I finally get out , we found that I had cracked / bent the shower rod in half ! It was hilarious and I have pictures to prove it ! 179 . I 'd have to say the most embarrassing moment of my life was when I was about 13 . I had a really heavy flow of my period , and we were doing a lab in science class . My teacher would not let me leave to go to the bathroom , saying , " just wait until the experiment is over " I waiting , sitting in this yellow chair . When it was finally over , I got up quickly to go change , but it was too late , " LOOK ! ( anonymous ) SAT ON A RED CRAYON ! " yelled my biggest crush . I was mortified . 180 . One day I went on the bus after work feeling really tired , when I got on I realized there was no seats . So I spot a handle bar at the back of the bus and decide to sit there for the rest of the journey , as I was getting close to my house I realized the bus was empty so I was quite comfortable and decided to stay put , but I realized that it was getting comfier , and just as I was ready to get up a man then put his hand on my shoulder and said excuse me miss this is my stop could you please get up of my knee . I was sssoooo embarrassed ! L xxxx 181 . My friend and I were a bit worse for wear one night and , having decided that we were going to get some food from the 24 hour Deli round the corner , thought that we should ask our friends if they would like anything while we were there . One of them said that we should just get him anything . Okay . So I managed to persuade the bamboozled lady behind the counter to put a raw black pudding and some bbq sauce on a roll ! ! Lovely . So we return to the house and , upon receiving his tasty treat he proceeds to demolish the whole thing , to the great surprise and amusement of my friend and I ! ! ! ! He does not know to this day what he consumed that night but did tell us to get him another the last time we went to he Deli ! 182 . Well , one day , me and my mom were having an argument about me not completing my homework on time ( regular teenager stuff ) and I came up with a good excuse , which made her angry , because she wasn 't right . So on her way out of my room , ( since the door was closed and right behind her ) she slammed straight into the door , face first . I was practically crying with laughter . What 's even funnier , is that she stood there for about one minute . She then turned around and asked me what was so funny . This made me laugh harder . I think she failed to realize she had just walked into a door ! 183 . My 6 year old and I decided to go roller - skating one afternoon . I had put my skates on in the house , we had steep stairs . I thought if I was careful , I could get down the stairs no problem . On the very first step , my daughter yelled don 't fall mom ! ! ! There I went , tumbling down the stairs and put my head thru the wall . Needless to say my Landlord wasn 't too happy ! 184 . I 'm seventeen and I 'm pretty clueless . I was working at this awesome summer camp last year , and all of us counselors were standing around in the morning talking . One of the guys in my cabin was complaining how restlessly he had been sleeping on those silly little springy mattresses . I had heard him tossing , turning , and falling off the bed the night before and I was still groggy so I came out with " Yeah , you were pretty violent in bed last night . " A long pause then laughter , and he turned beet red . A confused moment later and clueless little me was mortified for the rest of the week . 185 . I went home on leave from the navy , after a few years in and having made a few patrols on submarines . Dad teased me about what subs do to men a bit , but I didn 't get upset so the joke died . I was hanging around in the drug store one day , up in the pharmacy area that 's usually raised , when Dad called my attention to a customer . I got up and looked down the aisle . Petite form , long blonde hair , and a very high , nice ass . We both made appreciative noises about the woman we were looking at . Then she turned around . She was a he , with a long goatee on his chin . We made blecha - blecha noises , recanted interest , the usual guy stuff . Then he turned back around . I shook my head and said ' But that is a very nice ass . ' Dad didn 't turn his back on me for two years . 186 . One night in college , my friends and I decided to drink a little and go out . I didn 't want a big dinner , but I was hungry , so I fixed some tuna and crackers . We went to our guy friends house and were all listening to music and hanging out in his room , which was rather small . There were probably 3 girls and 5 guys there . We had a few beers , but had to drink rather quickly because they wanted to head to the bar . After I chugged the last of my beer , I had this huge rumbly burp but it just stayed in my chest . It was the strangest feeling , and I turned to tell my friend what happened . But when I started talking she had this horrific look on her face and was waving her hand in front of her because it smelled so bad . We were laughing in the corner of the room , and a few minutes later the guys were doing the same thing , waving their hands because it smelled so bad . They asked who farted , and me and my friend were laughing so hard because I cleared the room with the smell of my burp . Beer and Tuna fish are a horrible combination ! 187 . I don 't have a excuse but I do have a funny story my m8 told me , my friend was on college green and she seen a fit lad with a badge on his hat that sed ' TWAT ' , so she shouts out ' let me ave ur twat ! ' once she realized wot she sed she quickly replied saying Badge . . . please ! . I was chuckling to myself for ages afta dis ! dinner , including one of our Muslim friends who never drank . We convinced him to try his first sip of wine in honor of his friend 's birthday . The guy seated " I 'll drink it since he 's not going to . " He downed the whole thing in one gulp before we could tell him what he was drinking . When we told him he 'd just had a glass full of Josh 's backwash , the look on his face was priceless and all he could mumble was , " At least there was some alcohol in that . " 189 . My boyfriend told me to get dressed this usually means we are going out to the local bar , so here I am in heels and a short dress ready to hop in his brand new truck . He says we 're taking the weekend warrior instead . Picture this an antique CJ7 with REALLY over sized tires and soft doors and top covered in fresh mud only on the outside . I get in without a hitch which is amazing because I 'm only 5 ' 1 " 100 lbs . . We get to the honky - tonk and there is a huge crowd outside . My honey comes around and opened the door . Some how my skirt attached to the hook handle and its a long way to the ground . The door swings out pulling me with it and putting my dress somewhere around my armpits . On the way down I got mud all over me trying to stop gravity . I got it in my hair and all over everything . The whole crowd just started cracking up . I must have turned six shades or red . My honey apologizes every day to me for that . and no longer opens the jeep door for me until I do a check and give a thumbs up . 190 . This isn 't an excuse . . . but a VERY funny story . When I was young , about 7 or so , my little sister and I had a swing set in the backyard . We went out to play one fine day . My sister ( currently 5 at the time ) pulled out her trike , and started to ride it . I had a suggestion to do something with the trike . Choicely . . . put it on the slide , and ride it down . Well , there 's a fence facing the slide . We were young , and didn 't consider it . So , I managed to get it situated at the top of the slide . well . . I didn 't ride that thing ! but she did ! All you heard was a dull ( THUMP ! ) as her head hit the fence . 6 stitches later , we got rid of the swing set , for good . 191 . This is a funny story - Once while my mum was out me and my friend decided to make toffees . We totally burnt the mixture so we stupidly ( to hide it from my mum ) put the remaining extremely hot liquid in a plastic shopping bag , it of course burnt through the bag . The dumbest part was when taking it to the downstairs bin I was swinging the bag ( I didn 't know it was eating through the bag ) around and it went all over the walls and stairs . Me and my friend where scrapping toffee of the walls and floors with sharp knifes for like 4 hours . 192 . The Garden Dwarf Story ! Two of my friends were bored on a wonderful Saturday night . They got in car , drove to Orleans Island ( it 's in Quebec City ) , enjoyed the sight , then , seeing a beautiful garden dwarf ( it was not a garden dwarf , but a little black ( dressed like a New - Orleans Slave ) who sits on stairs ) ( I 'm sorry for that , I am really not racist ) So they decided to take it with them . The day after , I woke up , got breakfast , and what did I find ? A little black who was just having good time sitting on my stairs ! So , I asked my cotenants : Hey , where this funny guy come from ? They didn 't know . So , we called some of our friends to discover the thing . But , my brother was working in a restaurant on the Island at this time . And one of his customers complained about his garden dwarf being stolen . So we have a good laugh when my brother saw the thing on my stairs and knew the whole story . It 's not all ! The same bored friends , on another Saturday night , decided to take it with them in a bar , and they took pictures with it , just like in the French Movie ( Le fabuleux Destin d ' Amélie Poulain ) . So we found that our little funny guy was missing from us this time , and we learn what happened and saw the pics . They put it back again on our stairs . So we share a good laugh again on the little fellow ! But some weeks after , someone so evil , un - respectful of his fellow citizens , decided that it was his time for glory , and stole it from us . We were so sad . End of the story . 193 . One time me and a friend were walking up her humongous driveway and her belt had broken or something and her pants would not stay up . Her neighbor a hot and handsome young man was washing his car in the driveway next to hers . when we started up her huge driveway her pants fell down and the man in the other driveway was watching ! I started laughing my head off while she pulled up her pants and walked up the driveway like nothing happened . 194 . In 5th grade during gym we played basketball . I wanted to be the hero so I took the game winning three - pointer . I made it . So I left my hand in the air , thinking I was so cool . I looked around and everyone was laughing . I looked down and realized that my pants fell down . That 's not the worst part . I had on no underwear ! So there I stood with lower half showing and I got hard . It was the worst day of my life . 195 . One time my little brother who was about 7 at the time came home from school excitedly . He comes up to me and my mom and says , " hey I can count all the way up to 100 ! " Me and my mother look at him and told him how great that is and so he starts to count . Finally he gets up to 98 and say " 98 , 99 . . . . . um . . . um What comes after 100 . " 196 . Blonde moment Utica , NY . . ( Actually surprised I wasn 't on the news or even in the paper ) Wish I took a picture of this . My x can vouch for it thou . I just got off work . Snow had to be about 13 inches that day and snow plows making snow mountains on both sides of your driveway . Anyways , I don 't get off work until about 4AM so I guess it was good thing no one noticed . I use to own a small feiro and I couldn 't get the car in the driveway so there was an empty lot across from where I lived . I gunned my engine and drove so fast across the street to get over the hump . Needless to say I managed to drive straight to the top of the mountain with all 4 wheels off the ground . . . . I go in the house and wake up my x and I said " Hunny , We have a problem . A big problem . " And he was like " What 's wrong ? " So I told him " You 'll have to go outside to see for yourself to understand " . . . Here I am staying in the house and I think it took him about 6 hours to get the car down . LMAO ! Him freezing his ass off while I 'm in the house staying warm . hehehe Funny and cruel ! LOL ! 197 . ( 911 Call ) Another funny one ( Blonde moment ) : ) First time up in Jersey and wanted to surprise my dad . ( Forgot to bring his address with me ) I was coming up from S . C . after work and I figured $ 100 ; I should be okay to get there . ( Wrong ) I get all the way up there with with no problems . Except for Two . . . Didn 't know where he lived and I was running out of gas . ( No thanks to the toll guys making me go in circles and they kept charging for every circle and u - turn . Almost owed $ 60 in toll fees by the time they got done with me . ) Anyways , I am finally out of gas and I make it to the Vince Lombardi Rest area . At the time ; I had no cell ( didn 't believe in them ) , Had no more change left ( because by this time I owed for the tolls ) , Couldn 't get my C . C . cards or Debit card to work on the stupid phone . So , I was like last resort . . 911 . . lol I didn 't want to be a statistic because my dad had no clue I was even coming up there . So I called the cops and asked them to make a phone call for me . Oh no , what they do they send out 2 cruisers just to make a phone call . So , the Officer is already irate with me . Officer : " Your 31 and you need us to call your dad because your lost and out of gas " and I was " uh huh " ; p Told him this was my first time in N . J . and I didn 't think it be this difficult . . . So my dad answers and says " That it 's not his kid and doesn 't know the name " ( I think the officer said my name wrong . . . So I insisted he call again and this time say " Is the blonde chick your daughter " and almost instantly he was like " Oh , yeah what she do now ? " lol ; p . . . Officer : " She 's lost and out of gas " . My dad was there within the hour to pick me up . Come to find out I was only an hour away from him . Not bad for not knowing where I was going . I know those officers had a story to tell back at the office . We caught ourselves a stupid blonde . . . I 'm sure they have had worse blondes to deal with . hehe Hey , If it wasn 't for them keeping an eye out for me until my dad got there . Who knows what would have happened to me but I 'm not statistic no198 . One time when my friend and I were driving away from Papa John 's ( a pizzeria ) we saw the delivery guy leaving in front of us . He was driving a really nice car , a mustang , but he was going so slow ! So I said to my friend " why is he driving so slow ? ? ? He 's driving a freakin mustang ! " and she replies ( dead serious ) " Isn 't there some law that delivery guys have to go the speed limit ? " At this I said to her " Umm isn 't there some law that EVERYBODY has to go the speed limit ? ? ? " I totally started cracking up and she still gets so mad every time I bring that story up . 199 . It was senior year when my 3 friends and I were hanging out at my friend Morgan 's house . It was a nice day so we were pretty wound up and had been running inside and outside all day and for the majority of the day the sliding screen door had been open . My one friend , not realizing that Morgan 's dad had closed the screen door , got so excited to go out on the trampoline that not only did she run into the screen , she ran through the screen and totally broke it and bent the frame . I swear it was the funniest thing I 've ever seen in my life . 200 . I have a mom that I 've seen once ( since I 've been born ) up in Indiana . So I figured since I was on my way to NY for a show , I would stop by in Indiana to go find her . I met her when I extremely little and I thought I remember the road she was on . Boy was I wrong . Anyways , I get into Evensville and I thought this road looked familiar so I took it thinking it 's the road that leads to her house . Oh No , it led to a cornfield and one my tire gets stuck in this ditch so no one to call - " no cell " , " far from help " and " I 'm starting to freak out " . . ; p Almost getting dark outside and here I am thinking about that movie " Children of the Corn " ; p So , I start filling and packing dirt as fast I can to try to get this tire to get out of the " Sink of a hole " and I finally get it after like 3 - 4 hours by myself filling dirt . I finally get the car going and out of there and I was like the hell with trying to meet my mom I 'm staying on the pavement and just kept going to NY . . . . . . ; p Yeah , my ass was scared that day and figured it really wasn 't worth meeting her again . She never cared about me so why should I . . So went back home to dad . ( I was like 24 at the time ) . Love you DAD ! I admit I am a dumbass blonde that has a dad that will always bail her out . " Daddy 's little girl " . . . Hey never a dull moment and always a handful . hehehe . . ; p 201 . Well me and my wife were making love in bed . Our son came in and saw us without us knowing . He went on the bed and we still didn 't notice because the lights were turned off . Then he must have thought it was like a game that adults play and put his hand in my wife 's . . . well you know the rest . 202 . When I was about ten years old , my brother and I went to McDonalds . We ate our lunch and decided to go inside the play area with the tubes in it . So my brother went in first and right before he went in , which we didn 't realize a kid had went to the middle of the play area ( IN THE TUBES ) and peed in it . So of course someone was going to crawl through it sooner or later , and so my brother crawled right threw it . It was really funny , and he still remembers it ! 203 . The day of my 21st birthday I was riding in the truck with my dad . I asked him to pull into a store so I could buy my first case of beer at legal age . So he pulls in and I jump out and run into the store . When I come out I put the beer in the back of the truck and hop in to the passenger seat . I close the door , look up and there is this guy sitting there I have never seen before . I said " You are not my dad " . He looks at me weird and says " You are not my wife . I look over in the truck next to the one I am sitting in and my dad is laughing so hard . So I get out of this guys truck very embarrassed . I grab my beer out of the back of his truck and get into my dads truck . I still get laughed at over this . But the trucks were Identical . 204 . This is a funny story that happened to me just last week . I work for a courier company and we pick up a lot of parts for airplanes and have to deliver them usually to an airline so they can get to their city ASAP . Well with all the TSA security measures all packages tendered at the airlines either have to be manually inspected , x - rayed , sniffed by a bomb dog or they have this little stick thing that turns purple if there are explosives in the box . So anywho I had to tender one of these packages and I horse around with the guys all the time and one of the guys says to the other make sure you use the stick thing on the box . . . we me being funny to only me most of the time said " Well I better get out of here before you detect the explosives in the box " needless to say a police officer with a bomb sniffing dog had walked in behind me right before my " little joke " . . . he didn 't find it very funny and made the dog sniff the box . needless to say there weren 't any explosives in the box but the guys have been razzing me all week about keeping my comments to myself : ) 205 . I work in an automobile dealership in the service department . We have an individual to do the auto detailing for all the new vehicles . Well one day our bookkeeper needed him to perform some other tasks as part of his job . Well she went to look for him and was unable to locate him . After about 30 - 45 minutes she went back to the detail shop . Low and behold there he was , lock in the back seat of a four door Jeep Wrangler . Seems the as he was detailing the inside of the Jeep in the back seat he had closed the doors . The doors have child safety locks so they can 't be opened while children are in the back seat . He had to be " Locked " in the back for at least an hour , because no one knew or had seen the man for that time . The bookkeeper found him flailing his arms yelling he couldn 't get out . The thought never occurred to the man to simply crawl over the seat and get out the front door . This is not the only time this individual has done something like this to bring a smile or laugh to what could be just another boring day at work . More to follow as they happen . 206 . One Time when I was 6 I had to go to the bathroom really bad at like at 9 : 00 at night back then my bed time was at 6 : 30 . So I went to the bath room and I was just so tired that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor , then I woke up about 3 in the morning and I heard my parents calling my name . So just to be mean to them I locked my bathroom door and at the time you didn 't have a key that you could get in . So after I locked to door I acted like I was sleeping and I started fake snoring so my parents could get a hint of where I was . Then I heard my dad knocking on the bathroom door . And the next thing I know I hear this really loud ripping noise and I look up to find that my dad had kicked the door down and it landed on top of be . I got a big bruise in my head and that really hurt . Well friends this is all for now . I hope you enjoy this place . If you have any stories you would like to share here , please go to the
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This is another story in the Melvin / Johnny series . If you haven 't read the previous ones , it might help to do so . These stories are all A / U . You can find them on the John Gage placed the receiver back on the telephone cradle and peered at his alarm clock beside the bed with bleary eyes . " It 's only a quarter after three ? " He groaned . " I don 't believe this . " Still lying on his stomach , he lifted his pillow off the mattress . Laying his head down , he pulled the pillow over his head . Maybe this way I can get some sleep . Just as he was dozing off again , Johnny heard the ringing of the telephone , muffled by the fluffy shield covering his head and ears . " I 'm not gonna answer it , " he mumbled to himself . " You may as well hang up , I 'm not gonna pick up the phone . " Several more rings and Gage found himself giving in . Roy DeSoto walked into the locker room ready to start another shift , when he caught his partner , John Gage , in a wide yawn . " What 's the matter ? Late night last night ? " Johnny shook his head . " No . I was woken up every ten minutes though . " " The telephone kept ringing . " The younger man frowned . " For some odd reason , Melvin Meyers has apparently appointed himself my guardian angle or somethin ' . He got word I was at Rampart the other night with smoke inhalation and hasn 't quit checkin ' up on me yet . " " Well , that was an exaggeration . But it might as well 've been every ten minutes . He interrupted my sleep quite a few times . . . let 's leave it at that . " " Cute . . . yeah , well tell that to my eyes that feel like sandpaper . " He stepped out of his jeans and pulled on his uniform pants . " All night he called me , I tell ya . All night . What could possibly go wrong that he needed to check up on me all night long ? " " You know , I thought datin ' Carla would change the guy , " Johnny interrupted . " But apparently he 's the same as always . Even worse since he became a paramedic . " " Yeah , he might . But if he really wanted to do me a favor , he could at least let me get some sleep . That would be a welcome one . " Melvin Meyers sat in his livingroom , sleepy from being awake most of the night . His eyes too tired to endure contact lenses , he pushed up the black frame of his glasses as he watched the morning cartoons on television . Tilting his head against the back of the couch , he closed his eyes . That hypnotic suggestion I gave John Gage last month about the sound of a telephone ringing erasing his memory has to still be with him . It * has * to be . I never took it away . But how many times can I ring his phone trying to get it to work ? I 've been trying for weeks . Why * hasn 't * it worked ? What if it works at the wrong time again ? He brought his head upright and opened his eyes . I 've got to get him over here soon so I can remove that one and do it right . I 'm running out of time before he recalls everything I 've caused him to go through . . . Johnny stood in line at roll call stifling a yawn . When he noticed Captain Stanley eyeing him , the paramedic quickly appeared more alert . " Sorry , Cap . " Gage exchanged a glance with Roy as the others in line stared at the younger man . " Yeah , I 'm okay , Cap . Just a few too many phone calls during the night . That 's all . " " Girlfriend troubles , Gage ? " Chet wondered . " I wish it was . . . " Suddenly Johnny regretted his reply . He was going to have to explain himself . " It 's Meyers . . . Melvin Meyers . He 's . . . been calling me to see if . . . " he cleared his throat as he rocked on his feet . " If I 'm . . . uh . . . doin ' okay . Since the smoke inhalation , " he added . Gage waited for the snickers from the others . Fortunately , the look on Hank Stanley 's face kept the men silent , waiting patiently for the morning notes to be read off . The captain carried on with business . Once his men were dismissed to take care of morning chores , he pulled Johnny aside . " Look , I know Meyers grates on your nerves . If he gets to be too much and won 't back off , let me know . I can talk to him , or have his captain give him a warning . " Hank watched as the younger man walked away . He hadn 't forgotten the wild searches he and Roy had been on when John had disappeared . A couple of times it happened was when Melvin was somehow nearby , but the causes remained a mystery . I wonder if we 'll ever get the answers . Later in the morning , Johnny picked up the telephone receiver at the desk in the dorm room and dialed Melvin 's number . As he waited for an answer , Roy came into the room from the latrine entrance . " Calling him back to get even ? " The younger man 's face brightened . " You know , you may be right . That would ex - - " Johnny cut himself off when Melvin answered the phone . " Hey , Melvin . John Gage here . Listen , I need to talk to you . " Oh . " Johnny held his hand over the mouth piece of the receiver as he relayed the answer to his partner . " He isn 't quite awake yet . He nearly dropped the phone . " He couldn 't help but grin as he removed his hand . Revenge is so sweet . " Okay , look , I really appreciate your concern over my health . " Johnny shrugged when he saw Roy shaking his head . " I know you mean well . But you can 't be checking up on me like that . " Sure . " Johnny shrugged again . " And , hey . . . get some sleep . " He replaced the receiver on the cradle and leaned back in the chair , a smug expression on his face . " Well . . . did it do any good ? " " That 's why I agreed to go over and see ' im tomorrow . We 'll both be off duty since he 's still on a three day break . I 'm gonna talk to him about it to be sure I get it through his head . " Although Meyers had been woken up out of a sound slumber by Johnny 's phone call , the former chemist was finding it hard to get back to sleep . He couldn 't get his mind off the prospect of being able to set the hypnotic spell straight . It would all but guarantee him that Gage wouldn 't recall what they 'd been through together . Such as the time he carjacked the paramedic and shrank him down to an inch , or when he made him invisible . But how to get him to agree to it again . . . Melvin headed for a spare room in his apartment where he kept many of the new formulas he was in the process of creating and testing . He couldn 't help himself . . . Once a chemist , always a chemist . Tinkering with formulas was still a favorite hobby for him . Opening the door , Meyers walked in the bare floored - room and looked around at the many jars of various chemicals he had . If the landlord ever found out , she 'd have him evicted for sure . Luckily , his girlfriend Carla hadn 't given thought to why she 'd never seen this particular room when she was over visiting . I wonder if I could somehow get John to believe this is just plain water . It would make him loopy enough to be vulnerable to the hypnosis again without even realizing it . I know he won 't drink milk over here again . Melvin carried the jar to the kitchen and put it in the refrigerator so that it would be cold like ice water when Gage arrived the next day . He quickly made his way back to the spare room to see what he could tinker with in the meantime . The chemist - turned - paramedic jumped when the telephone rang , startling him . He 'd forgotten he recently had a second one mounted on the wall in that room for more convenience . It was only a few seconds before he ended the call . Darn telemarketers . Late morning the following day , Melvin 's telephone rang while he was sitting in his livingroom waiting for Gage to arrive . At first Meyers feared it would be Johnny calling to say he 'd changed his mind . Instead it was Carla . She 'd stumbled and fallen down a few steps while carrying a basket of dirty clothes to the laundry room at her apartment complex . Though she was okay except for a few bruises , she wondered if he 'd come over to help make her feel better . Melvin sighed . He 'd worked so hard to get things lined up with John . But how could he turn down the love of his life when she needed him ? Meyers taped the note on a wall across from the doorway where it would be easily seen . He decided it would be best if he left the door unlocked and Gage found the note inside rather than on the outside of the door . The latter would most likely cause John to go straight home instead of going in the apartment to make sure all was okay . Satisfied that the plan was salvageable , Melvin left with a bounce in his step . Johnny knocked several times , waiting a few seconds in between for an answer . When Melvin didn 't come to the door , the paramedic tried the knob . It wasn 't like Meyers to not be where he said he would be . Sure enough , the door was unlocked . Gage figured that meant his friend had to be home . He opened the door and stepped inside . " Meyers ? Melvin ? " Johnny looked around the nearby livingroom as he made his way farther inside . He was about to head for the kitchen in search of his friend when he noticed a piece of paper on the wall across from where he 'd come in . He took it off and read it . Oh great . He glanced at his watch . I 'll give him twenty minutes and I 'm outta here . With time to kill , Johnny stepped into the livingroom , balling up Melvin 's note and tossing it on the coffee table . Glancing around , he had to smile at the large poster of Batman and Robin that was taped up on one of the walls . But Roy 's comment from the day before in which he referred to his partner as Robin came to mind , causing the paramedic to frown . Real funny , Roy . Gage shook his head when he saw a Batman mug identical to the one Melvin had once given him sitting on the coffee table , a small plate with crumbs on it to the side . Suddenly Johnny noticed the cage with a mouse in it , the critter busy running in the wheel . The paramedic walked over to it and leaned forward to peer closer . " Well , I see he 's left you alone . I can actually see you this time . " Johnny 's words surprised himself . A sudden flashback to the wheel going around with no mouse in it came to his mind . He stared a moment , a shudder running down his spine . He quickly dismissed the image and stepped away . That 's impossible . He sat down on the couch to wait , shoving the thoughts of an invisible mouse aside . But another flashback came to him as he looked around the room . Johnny recalled being on the couch , then standing up to take a step towards Meyers and having his friend vanish right before his eyes . It has to be a dream . But why would I dream about Melvin Meyers ? No way , man . The guy is like a thorn in the side . The paramedic got to his feet and started for the front door . He was feeling uncomfortable now . Too many things that he didn 't exactly remember , but that seemed real , were appearing in his mind . Meyers the size of a giant and searching for him as Johnny watched out of a hole of some kind ; driving with Melvin 's voice behind him , then the man holding a water gun on him outside of the car ; and a male nurse at Rampart named ' Bob ' who 'd brought food in to Johnny at one time and bore a striking resemblance to Meyers . Oh , man . . . what 's going on ? I 've gotta tell Roy ! A couple of feet from his destination , Johnny stopped . * What * am I * doing * ? This is my chance to try to find some answers . * Then * I can tell Roy . Exploring a little , he started down the short hallway to a closed door on the right . Johnny slowly opened it and peered inside . What in the world . . . ? What he found inside were a half dozen jars lined up neatly on shelves , with the various colors of liquids in them . A table was in the middle of the room and had a type of device on it that almost resemble a still . Johnny was intrigued . He walked over to the table and gently ran his hand over the contraption , then continued on to the shelves where he lifted a jar to get a closer look and read the label . " Elbisivni . . . . " Huh ? He stared at the jar and swirled the liquid inside . Looking at the label again , it dawned on him the word was spelled in reverse . " Invisible . . . " The paramedic carefully studied the words to read them backwards to himself . He was so involved looking at the label , that he didn 't hear someone come in from behind . Suddenly a cloth was over his face , covering his mouth and nose , and blocking out his vision as well . The paramedic dropped the jars in surprise . They shattered on the floor as he stumbled backwards , both he and his attacker struggling . Johnny made a blind reach for anything nearby , knocking the telephone receiver off the hook where the phone was mounted on the wall . Both Gage and the other man fell to the floor , Johnny taking the wind out of his assailant as they hit the hard surface . But the man held on with the chloroform covered cloth against his target 's face . Johnny barely was aware of the sound of the telephone receiver hitting against the wall as it dangled on its cord . As the chemical took its final hold , his body went limp and the man underneath him released his grasp . " Okay , let 's get him out of here , " came another man 's voice . " This Meyers guy . . . better be able to . . . do somethin ' for us , " Johnny 's attacker said , shoving his unconscious victim aside and getting to his feet . The paramedic lay on his side , unaware of the situation he was about to get into . " Let 's go , Wally . " " Okay . Help me get him off the floor and into the cart . " " Yeah , but think about it , Wally . If we hadn 't gotten caught , we never would have met Brett , Scott and Jack . Which means we 'd have never heard of Melvin Meyers and we wouldn 't be about to get rich now . " " Oh , he 'll cooperate , alright . We 're going to be tough on him , unlike our victims in the hold - ups . Plus we aren 't going to make the same error those guys did and kidnap his friend too . That was their biggest mistake . The two outsmarted them somehow . " " You 'll see . " Wally sighed . " You know , my mother keeps asking me why two - well educated guys in their twenties like us can 't land an important job in a big corporation . " " What do you tell her ? " " Well , not the truth - that we 'd rather make a quick and dishonest living . I tell her my time 's coming . " Once in the livingroom , Ted and Wally dragged the paramedic over to where a large canvas laundry cart was sitting . The two men lifted him up and awkwardly slid him inside . " He 's too tall . He needs to be down farther , " Ted stated . The assailants leaned over the edge and maneuvered Johnny 's limp body until he was lying in his side in a fetal position . Having that problem solved , they tossed in a couple of full - sized sheets they 'd brought with them and covered the still unconscious man . Ted also carefully set a few of the jars of chemicals in the cart beside their victim . Wally and Ted wheeled the laundry cart toward the front door when suddenly Wally stopped and reached out for something on a table . " Hey , he may need these glasses to read . " He slipped the black - framed item into his shirt pocket and continued to help push the cart . Ted stopped and turned to face his partner . " Relax , Wally . They 'll think this Meyers guy is using a laundry service . From what Scott and Brett said in jail , this guy is a real eccentric . Very intelligent , but he goes to the beat of a different drum than most . " " Yup . But they made the mistake of taking this guy 's buddy with them . We , on the other hand , aren 't even going to bother with the other one . We 've got who we want . Now , c ' mon . Let 's get him out of here or he 'll be waking up while we 're still in route . " Wally nodded and the two culprits pushed the cart outside , closing the door behind them . They then wheeled it to their white van in the parking lot . The washer and dryer pictures with the words Linwood 's Laundry across them for logos on the sides and rear of the vehicle made it appear to belong to a professional business . The cart with the paramedic in it was lifted into the rear and the doors secured . Wally and Ted climbed into the front , the latter getting into the driver 's seat . Wally made his way to the back section with two short ropes . Leaning over the cart , he pulled back the sheets and proceeded to tie first Gage 's hands , then his feet together . Meyers glanced at the clock in his car as he drove back towards his home . He 'd run several minutes later than expected and was now having to force himself to drive the speed limit and not speed . The last thing I 'd need is for a policeman to pull me over . I sure hope John didn 't give up on me . The fireman noticed a white van belonging to a laundry service pass him from the other direction . Now there 's an idea . . . . The thought left as quickly as it had come when worries of how he was going to re - hypnotize Gage came to mind . The white van was forgotten . Ted motioned toward the rear of the van with his head . " Go check on him . " " Right . " Wally squeezed between the front bucket seats and into the back portion of the vehicle . Johnny 's eyes were shut , his breathing deep . " He 's sleeping like a baby . " " Sure . " Wally sat on the indoor / outdoor carpet lined floor of the van and leaned against the side . When he saw that Ted had his attention intently on the road , he relaxed with his eyes closed . Meyers smiled when he pulled into the parking lot at the apartments and noticed John Gage 's Land Rover was there . Alright ! He didn 't give up on me after all . The eccentric fireman figured his worries would soon be over . He parked his car , then hurried to his apartment . Pushing the door open as he rushed in , he started to speak , assuming Johnny would be in the livingroom waiting for him . " Sorry I ran late , but Carla - - " Melvin cut himself off when he saw that no one in the room . " John ? " He first looked at the wall where the note had been . It was no longer up there . Meyers made his way to the kitchen , calling out for his friend . " John ? " With no sign of his guest yet , Melvin had a sudden dread wash over him as he thought about his secret room . Oh no ! Please don 't be in there . . . He charged out of the kitchen , through the livingroom and took two long strides in the hall when he noticed the door slightly open . Melvin 's heart was beating a mile a minute as he desperately tried to think of what he 'd say to John . C ' mon , an excuse , an excuse . . . think . . . With nothing coming to mind , he 'd have to wing it . He took a deep breath , composed himself and slowly eased the door open more , stepping into the room . " I see you found my . . . " Melvin 's mouth dropped open , but no sound would come when he realized that two of the jars on the shelves were no longer there and had shattered on the floor . John was no where in sight . The scene was such a big scare to Meyers that he didn 't take notice of a few other empty spaces on the shelves where some chemicals had previously been . He rushed forward to the light yellow and baby blue mess on the floor , the two colors forming a greenish tint where they mixed . The invisible and shrinking formulas . . . Melvin looked around the room when he took notice of a familiar beeping sound . It was then he saw the telephone receiver dangling against the wall . Invisible , shrinking , telephone ringing . . . no John . . . the Land Rover outside . . . He * has * to be here ! After placing the receiver back on the phone cradle , Meyers quickly searched through the room looking closely at the floor . He opened the closet door and took out the odds and ends he 'd had on piled in it , hoping to find Johnny hiding . With no luck in finding his friend , Melvin went on to search the remainder of the apartment , all the while calling out the missing man 's name . " John ! John ! " When he came up empty after checking his entire home , Melvin went into the livingroom and sat on the couch , his face buried in his hands . What have I done ? He peered through his fingers at the balled up paper on the coffee table . Opening it up , he read his own note . Melvin tossed the paper aside and sat a moment , trying to think . He wasn 't sure the new shrinking formula worked . He hadn 't had a chance to try it on anything yet . And normally the invisible one had to be consumed . Could the invisible potion work when it wasn 't swallowed , but splashed on something as well ? Is John invisible and watching me right now ? Or is he . . . Melvin slowly examined the bottom of his shoes . Relief washed over him that he at least hadn 't stepped on his friend . Not unless he was an invisible blob on the bottom . He ran his hands over both soles , but felt nothing out of the ordinary . Maybe he 's the size of a marble and wandering around the apartment . . . or maybe the phone rang and he forgot who he was . He could be wandering the street somewhere . . . A horrified feeling came over him . What if it 's all three ? Meyers was at a loss . . . he rubbed at his forehead , a massive ache coming on . If John doesn 't turn up in less than twenty - four hours , I 'm going to have to tell Roy and Captain Stanley everything . They 're gonna notice Gage isn 't there when the shift starts tomorrow . He rested his head back and stared at the ceiling . * How * am I going to explain this ? He could only imagine the reaction he 'd get . For now , he 'd try to find the dark - haired man . Melvin grabbed his keys and headed out the door for his car . He hoped for the least disastrous scenario possible . Maybe he 's just wandering around the streets nearby and he can 't remember who he is . Ted brought the white van to a stop in a remote area off the main highway several miles outside of Carson . He got out and opened the rear doors . Wally stood and bending over in the low space inside , pushed the cart toward his partner . Ted grabbed the end of it and the two men lowered it to the ground , Wally jumping down to the ground as they did so . The kidnappers moved the wheeled cart over to a red Ford Thunderbird . After the right rear door was opened , they both bent over the cart and attempted to lift Johnny out but the paramedic 's dead weight was proving to be a challenge . " You know , it was a lot easier getting him in than it is getting him out , " Wally grunted . Ted let go of their victim and sighed . " Let 's get these jars out , then just tip the thing up on end and dump him on the ground . " The two carried out the plan and smiled when they were met with success . With only minor effort , Johnny was partially on the side of the cart , his upper body in the dirt . The men picked him up under the shoulders and by the feet , and clumsily got him onto the back seat of the car in a lying down position . Ted grabbed one of the sheets and covered Gage . Melvin returned to his apartment after not seeing Johnny on the streets anywhere nearby . If he got on a bus , he could be anywhere . I wonder if he had money on him ? Still the self - proclaimed chemist couldn 't shake the feeling that Johnny wouldn 't be found out on the streets . Gut instinct told him there was going to be a lot more to his whereabouts and finding him wasn 't going to be easy . Melvin so wanted to call Roy for help , but he knew it would only land him in a heap of trouble . He sat back down on his couch and looked over at the poster of Batman and Robin . What should I do ? If ever he wanted to actually meet into a super hero , it was now . Another sinking feeling came over Meyers when he remembered he would have to pull a twenty - four hour shift at Station 18 the following morning . And he 'd have to cancel a dinner date he 'd made with Carla to make amends for leaving so soon . I hope John shows up soon . He got down on his hands and knees and looked under the couch . Rats , not there either . Melvin headed for his make - shift lab to get a magnifying glass . " Don 't worry , John . I 'll find you somehow , if it 's the last thing I do . And this 'll be the last thing I did if Roy finds out I lost you . " Ted and Wally headed back toward town , Johnny still unconscious in the rear seat . " How long you think he 'll be out ? " Wally asked , glancing at Gage 's sleeping form . " Should be long enough for us to get him settled in . We 'll be at the house soon . " Wally glanced over his shoulder again . " Hope you 're enjoying the nap , Meyers . It 's probably the last peaceful rest you 'll ever have . " Melvin sat back on his heels after going over the entire floor of his apartment with the magnifying glass with no sign of John Gage anywhere . Not even an indent in the carpet where an invisible little man might be sitting . " Where are you ? " Yet another sinking feeling came over Meyers . The Land Rover . What am I going to do about the Land Rover in the parking lot ? Recalling when he drove the vehicle to a bar and left it another time he 'd gotten John in a fix , Melvin felt a little relief . It worked before . I can drive it across town and ditch it . But that bit of relief faded for two reasons . One , he didn 't have the keys ; two , he didn 't know John very well the first time it happened . Now he 'd not only have to hot wire the Land Rover to move it , but he already had a guilty conscious just thinking about it . Melvin slid off his heels and sat on the floor as he sighed . Truth was , he just wanted his role model and friend back . Ted pulled the Ford Thunderbird into the single car garage at their destination . Wally got out of the vehicle and closed the door while his partner checked on their back seat passenger . " Help me get this Meyers guy in the house . He should be waking up anytime . " " In the closet off the largest bedroom . It 's a walk - in , so it should be big enough . I cleared everything out of it . " The two men slid Johnny part way by pulling on his legs . Once his lower body was out of the car , Ted leaned in and worked to get a grip under his arms as Wally continued to pull Gage 's legs . When they finally had him out of the car , they carried him into the house and to the empty dark closet , where they left him to sleep off the chloroform . Johnny groaned slightly as he began to come around . The paramedic had no idea what was going on . He only knew that he couldn 't bring his arms forward , his legs were joined at the ankles , and his throat was dry . He struggled to open his eyes , but his lids were too heavy . Gage still felt groggy from the chloroform . Unable to make sense of anything , he gave in to the drowsiness and drifted back to sleep . Melvin stared out his livingroom window at Johnny 's Land Rover . He 'd give anything to see Gage get in or out of it . If he hasn 't shown up by tonight , I 'll try to move it . Good thing I called Carla and changed our date till night after tomorrow . Surely John 's got to turn up by then . The fireman / paramedic wasn 't ready to give up on his friend yet . Early afternoon , Roy came into his house after helping his son Chris carve a toy race car out of wood out on their back patio . The youth had made other similar projects while attending an Indian Guide group he and his dad belonged to . But the two had since dropped out and Chris was finding he missed the projects . Roy glanced at the telephone on the kitchen wall . He was tempted to call his partner to see how the morning went with Melvin Meyers . Admit it , he thought to himself . You want to make sure Meyers hasn 't gotten Johnny roped into another crazy situation . He forced himself to ignore the nagging feeling inside that something would go wrong , and went about getting lemonade for he and Chris to drink . Will you listen to yourself ? Johnny was just going over there to get Melvin to quit calling him so much . What could possibly get either of them into trouble with that ? Johnny lay still in the pitch dark room as he once again began to come around . He let out a slight grunt as he tried to move his arms again and met with resistance . Finally able to open his eyes to slits , he slowly looked around in the dark . He couldn 't see a thing . Wha . . . ? Where am I ? Oh man , my shoulders hurt . . . why can 't I move my arms ? He opened his eyes wider , hoping they 'd adjust to the lack of light and allow him to see anything that might give him a clue as to where he was . Gage tried to sit up , but he didn 't have any luck . He had been on his left side , but only managed to roll onto his back in the effort . Suddenly the closet door flew open and bright light flooded the small room . Johnny instinctively squeezed his eyes closed to ward off the offending light , then managed to squint into the brightness , hoping to see who was in front of him . A haunting dejavu ' came over the paramedic . Where have I heard that before ? A basement and being tied to a pole came to mind . Tied up . . . my arms and legs . . . Man , no . . . it can 't be happening again . . . " Who are you ? " Johnny asked , his voice raspy from the dryness of his throat . The grogginess also still hung in his words . " Wha . . . what 's goin ' on ? " " Man , what 's with the cryptic words ? Just tell me who you are . And why am I here ? " He looked around at the bare shelves on the wall to his left , and an empty long metal rod going horizontally from one end of the room to the other on his right , above him . Oh man , I 'm in a closet . This can 't be good . Johnny struggled to sit , but was still too woozy to succeed . He stared up at his captor . " Caped crusader ? What are you . . . " His words trailed off as the paramedic recalled where he was when someone had put a cloth over his face . Melvin 's place . . . ? Did he set this up ? Is that where I am ? Nah , he wouldn 't be that stupid . . . he can be annoying , but overall he 's not such a bad guy . Johnny had had enough of this guy avoiding a direct explanation . It was time to get answers . Ignoring the fact he was at the man 's mercy , Gage got angry . He waited for a reply as another man came up behind the other . Johnny looked from one to the other , realizing for the first time just how much danger he was in . Oh shit . They didn 't worry about a blindfold to keep me from seeing their faces . . . " You want answers ? " the first man asked . " I 'll give you answers . " The other man tapped his partner on the shoulder . " How much you going to tell him ? " " Enough to keep our guest happy . After all , he 's going to be with us for awhile , and we don 't want an unhappy tenant . " He grinned at the wary expression on Johnny 's face . " You , my friend , are going to create an invention that 's going to make us rich . " " Yes you do , " the second man put in . " You and that other guy they kidnapped with you foiled their plans , but they haven 't given up . They filled us in on everything . " Both kidnappers remained silent , then glanced at one another and broke into laughter . The one who 'd spoke to Johnny first shook his head . " Nice try . " He turned off the light and started to close the door . " We 'll give you time to think about what you want to create . " " Not think . We know . Everything fits . . . you were at the address the guys in prison gave us , you 've got dark hair , we found your eyeglasses in your apartment . . . " He shook his head . " You 're him , no doubt about it . " Johnny was stunned . Man , I don 't believe this . I don 't even * wear * glasses , so how can . . . that 's right ! I don 't ! " Hey ! I don 't even wear glasses ! I 'm not - - " " No , man , I mean I don 't wear ' em because I 'm not Melvin . You 've got this all wrong . I 'm John Gage . Heck , I can 't even stand Melvin Meyers . He 's nothin ' but trouble for me . " Boy is * that * an understatement now . . . " Heck , I 'd be relieved if you could get the guy out of my life . " " I do . . . " The paramedic suddenly became aware that he couldn 't feel the wallet pressing against his right butt cheek from in his jean pocket . He thought back to when he was leaving his own apartment . He 'd grabbed his wallet and stuck it in his the pocket . . . or had he ? Now that Johnny gave it more thought , he couldn 't remember taking it out of his uniform pocket . He 'd been too tired from the lack of sleep the night before when Melvin had kept calling him . By the time he got off shift , he didn 't feel like doing anything but changing into a pair of sweatpants and sacking out on the couch . Johnny then had woken up just in time to get dressed and head over to Meyer 's place . Oh shit . I * don 't * have it . " You 're right , I don 't have it . I left it at home . But that proves right there I am who I say I am . " The man had to think a minute before replying . " That doesn 't prove anything . " He shook his head . " Nope , doesn 't prove anything at all , ' cept you , Melvin Meyers , forgot your wallet . " " But - - " Johnny stopped when the door closed , leaving him in pitch darkness again . Oh man , how am I gonna get out of this mess ? He went to rub at his forehead when it dawned on him he was still tied up . The paramedic groaned and rested the back of his head on the floor , staring up toward the ceiling . Now I 've gotta depend on Melvin Meyers to figure out what happened to me . . . . This is great , just great . Melvin was getting more and more nervous as time went on without a sign of Gage . He 'd searched through the apartment looking for a miniature John several times , but still he 'd had no luck . With evening fast approaching , Meyers decided it was time to see if he could hotwire the Land Rover . As soon as he got inside the car , he felt a wave of guilt wash over him . Maybe I should just tell Roy now and get it over with . But if I do , my life as I know it * will * be over with . I just need to buy a little more time . . . After several minutes he was met with success and drove the vehicle a few miles away . Melvin parked it near a camera store , then walked a few blocks to a pay phone to call for a taxi . When he arrived back at his apartment complex , the chemist was approached by a man who lived two doors down from him . " Hey Meyers ! I see you must be doing pretty well as a paramedic , huh ? " Suddenly the white laundry service van he 'd passed came to Melvin 's mind . Was it possible that was the same one that had been at his place ? And if so , was his missing friend inside of it ? But why would anyone kidnap John from * my * apartment ? " Let 's see . " The man rubbed his chin in thought . " I believe it was Linwood 's Laundry . Yep , that was it . Linwood 's . They wheeled a big laundry cart out of your place . " Meyers felt nauseated at the mention of the familiar name . It was likely the van he passed was the one that had been at his apartment . And if they had a large cart , it would have been possible to smuggle a person out and no one would be the wiser . If John was inside when it passed me . . . He glanced at his watch . It 's been hours since then . Where would someone have taken him ? And why ? He groaned inwardly . If only I 'd have known . Now I 've got to explain why John * and * his Land Rover are gone . I guess I can blame the missing truck on the kidnapper . But then how can I say John was taken from here if his Land Rover was supposedly already gone ? Johnny lay on the floor in the dark , wondering what he could do to get out of the situation he was in . Maybe I should just play along until I get a chance to make a break for it . Oh man , but how am I gonna invent something ? Why couldn 't these guys have just taken whatever that was in those jars ? And what * was * all that stuff ? What 's Melvin been up to ? I gotta get outta here to let someone know he 's got another side to ' im . More images of past encounters flashed through his mind . Wally pulled into the parking lot of Melvin 's apartment complex and looked around for a white Land Rover . Although he and Ted doubted their prisoner 's words , the other man had sent him over to see if there was any possible truth to what had been said . " Just like we thought . It 's not here . Melvin Meyers was lying . " He turned the car around in the lot and headed back toward the house to deliver the news to Ted . With his attention solely on what lay ahead , Wally didn 't see the real Melvin Meyers drive Johnny 's Land Rover into the entrance of the parking lot . Now we 've got proof he 's our man . Wonder what excuse the guy 'll try next ? Melvin parked the Land Rover in a spot that was almost in the center of the lot . The fireman / medic had worried about his friend the entire time he was on his way to pick up the vehicle and as he drove it back . I still can 't figure out why anyone would kidnap John , if they did . Was he followed to my place ? Could I have stopped it if I 'd have been here ? He thought back to another time when he and John were abducted together . They had been at Gage 's apartment when two men pretending to be police officers took them to a house , insisting Meyers create an invention to make them wealthy . John had been held in the basement as insurance of sorts while Melvin was locked upstairs in a room . Are they going to ask a trade of John for me ? But those guys are still in prison . Maybe the stuff * did * get on him and someone waiting for me to come home saw and took him . Or what if the phone rang , he forgot who he was and went with them ? If it was a ' them ' . Meyers went into his apartment , still trying to figure out the logic of the situation . Or maybe whoever it was wanted * me * and grabbed John by mistake . . . He leaned against the wall just inside the doorway . That 's got to be it . Oh no . I wasn 't even here and I did it again . John 's going to kill me . What am I * thinking * ? Roy 's going to do it before John ever has a chance to . Gage listened to his kidnappers just outside the closet door . He couldn 't believe they were discussing the situation in such close proximity . Do they * want * me to hear all this ? Maybe they don 't realize I can . . . he lay still , his attention fully on their hushed voices . " Don 't worry , Wally . Someone 'll find the van abandoned and if police suspect anything once people mention maybe seeing a white laundry van near Meyers ' apartment , they 'll think who ever dumped it is heading north . No one will ever suspect he 's being held right under their noses in Carson . " " Yeah , that 's Beth for you . Always taking care of little brother Ted . Good thing she lives in San Francisco . That way we don 't have to worry about her dropping by . " Johnny could hear the floor creak as the men walked toward the closet . He shut his eyes in an attempt to appear to be sleeping . If they figure out I know their names , I 'm * really * never gonna see the light of day again . The paramedic lay still when once again the closet door was opened and the light above turned on . Ted stood looking down at the paramedic , Wally behind him . Johnny pretended to be groggy . " Hmm ? Wha . . . " He forced a yawn , then continued . " Lies ? I didn - - " Gage stopped in mid - sentence , his voice hoarse from his extremely dry throat . " We checked for the white Land Rover at your apartment . It wasn 't there . " " It has to be , " he croaked . The paramedic was stunned . Not only because they actually took the time to look for the vehicle , but also because of the fact her knew where he 'd left it and sure as hell hadn 't driven it away . Who did ? Why would they ? Wait . . . I have the keys . . . so how . . . ? Did the cops tow it as evidence ? Has Melvin figured out what happened to me ? For now he only had one thing to ask his assailants . " Are you sure you went back to the right place ? " Still dumbfounded by the revelation and feeling trapped , Johnny gave in . I guess it 's better I play along anyway . They find out I 'm not really Melvin now , on top of the fact I 've seen their faces and know their names , who knows * what * they 'll do to me . Roy and Joanne sat in their livingroom watching the early evening news . Chris and Jennifer , their young son and daughter , were both lying on the floor playing with Hot Wheels toys . Joanne was just about to make a comment about a housewife probably being the one who stole a missing laundry service van they 'd just heard about when the phone rang . Roy put up the foot rest on his recliner and listened to the next story on the news while Joanne reached across from her seat on the couch and picked up the receiver . " Hello . Sensing the call had to be about something that involved Johnny if Meyers was calling him , Roy quickly kicked down the footrest and hurried to the phone . " What happened ? . " Uh huh . " Where 's Johnny ? Why wouldn 't he call ? " " I 'm not sure , but I get the feeling he 's not where he should be . " Johnny sat leaning against the back wall of the closet , finally getting a much needed drink of water . After taking several large sips , he watched as Wally pulled the nearly empty glass away from him . " Thanks . " His voice sounded much clearer . The paramedic looked down at his stomach when he heard and felt it rumble . Man , I 'm starvin ' . " Don 't you guys think I 'll be a little sharper with what I 'm doin ' if I get some food in my stomach ? " Wally reached up to turn off the light . " When are you guys gonna untie me ? " Getting an annoyed stare from his captor , Johnny quickly went on , " You 're gonna hafta if you want me to do anything . " Not to mention , it 's gonna take a week for my shoulders to recover . . . . It had been so long with his arms behind his back that he wondered if he would even be able to move them forward for awhile . " You 're getting to be a real nuisance . Ted 's taking care of things , then you 'll have the answer to both questions . " With that he turned out the light and closed the door . Johnny sat staring ahead , his eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness again . Man , I 've gotta get out of this mess . But how ? These guys are smarter than the others . . . except for confusing me with Melvin . He frowned when he heard footsteps already approaching . Just as soon as his eyes had adjusted , the door was opened again , the light turned on . Johnny again squinted at the sudden brightness . Gage felt unsteady on his feet . Having been tied up for so long and after sitting on his bottom part of the time , a familiar numbness had set in . He hoped he didn 't take an awkward step and trip . With his arms still tied behind his back , there would be no way of catching himself . Wally came into the room with a handgun and pointed it at the paramedic . " Don 't try anything stupid . " Johnny realized why the gun was suddenly put into play when he felt Ted release the ropes from his wrists . He slowly brought his arms forward , his shoulders aching and protesting the change in direction . Johnny rubbed his wrists , noting some rope burn on them . His shoulders were too sore and tired for his arms to make much movement . " C ' mon . You 've got work to do . " Ted motioned for Gage to follow him . " And you 'd better deliver . " Wally walked behind their prisoner , the gun close to Johnny 's back . Roy stood staring at Melvin Meyers as the man explained that he 'd left to see Carla , but had intended to return soon after to meet up with Johnny . He showed him the note he 'd left that ended up on the coffee table and told him about the mysterious laundry service van . " That note 's the only evidence I have that John was in here , " Melvin lied , not wanting to get into any more trouble with Roy than he already was . " But with the Land Rover still being here and not him , and then what ever that van was here for . . . I think they took John . " DeSoto felt an ill feeling come over him at the mention of the laundry service van . Melvin had confirmed the name on it , and both figured it was the stolen one mentioned on the news . Who took it and what do they want with Johnny ? Did they follow him here ? Or . . . Roy looked at Meyers , scrutinizing the man . " What ? " The expression on his guest 's face had Melvin worried . " You don 't think I had anything to do with this . . . do you ? " " Maybe not directly . But the last time you guys were kidnapped , wasn 't it you they wanted for the most part ? Johnny just happened to be in the way , right ? So maybe it 's the same way now . " " But those guys are in prison . Roy , I swear , I don 't have anyone after me . " He noticed the senior paramedic glancing at the Batman poster on his wall . " What are you thinking ? " " Can 't ? Look , Meyers , Johnny 's missing . We can 't play detective here . We need to let the authorities know . " Roy reached for the telephone . " Wait ! There 's more . " " Like . . . like the fact I did try to play detective and searched his Land Rover , " he lied again . " My finger prints are all over it . They 'll think I was in on his disappearance . " " I 'm calling the police . I 'll back you up on your story about searching his Rover , okay ? So you don 't have anything to worry about . But we have to call and report this . " Melvin nodded , giving in . He didn 't want Roy to know he wasn 't just worried about John . He was also worried about the spare room being searched . Although he 'd cleaned it up and hid everything in the closet , he knew the cops would be thorough in going over the apartment . Now the part - time chemist could only hope they didn 't find reason to tear his place apart . Roy got off the line with the police and sighed . " They 'll be here soon . " Meyers sat down on his couch and rested his elbows on his knees , his hands over his face . Things had been going good ; he had a girlfriend who liked him , a job just like John and a place to fiddle with his chemicals . But his fear over John recalling too many things that would take it all away had put things in motion to do just that regardless . Why didn 't I leave well enough alone ? Gage tried to hide his nervousness as he walked between Wally and Ted . With the gun poking him in the back , he was constantly reminded these two men meant business . Man , what if I * can 't * deliver ? He sighed . What am I * thinking * ? Of course I can 't . I have no idea what I 'm doing . When Ted stopped in the kitchen , Johnny did the same and looked around . It was surprisingly well - kept . He noticed by a crack between the kitchen curtains that it was still light outside , though a slight orange hue indicated it was sunset . Ted motioned toward the table . " Sit down . " Johnny glanced over his shoulder at Wally , then did as he was told . Ted then tied the paramedic 's left hand to the back of the chair where it joined the seat , and set a plate with a ham sandwich on it in front of him . " Eat . You 've got ten minutes . " The paramedic scowled . He at least should be given a little heads up as to what he 'd be doing next . Johnny picked up the sandwich and took a small bite . It was then he realized that as hungry was he 'd been , his appetite was gone . Melvin stared at the floor of his apartment , still stunned at the events of the day . It was only when he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye that he looked up . Roy was reaching for the telephone again . " That 's just it , Cap . We don 't know . He disappeared from Meyers ' apartment while he was alone . His Land Rover is still here , but that 's it . " Johnny shook his head . " I 'm not buying that ; I 've seen your faces so you won 't let me go anyway . You 'll take what I make and kill me . " Wally looked to Ted and waited for his reply to their prisoner . " No , we won 't kill you . We 'll let you go as soon as we get money in our hands . We 're going to flee the country where no one can find us . You 'll be free . " The dark - haired paramedic gave his captors a wary look . It was possible Ted was telling him the truth , though doubtful . But his chances weren 't any better if he didn 't cooperate . Maybe I can think of a way to get help through this without them knowing . . . Suddenly an idea came to mind . " We 've got a few of your chemicals you had handy . "
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Name : Joanne Location : United States Joanne has published more than 2 , 500 articles and was award recipient of the 1990 Woman of the Year for Beaver County , Pennsylvania , for her accomplishments and excellence in journalism and to the community . Her co - authored book , " Unforgettable Journey , " won fifth place in the Grand Beginnings romance contest . An excerpt from her WIP , " Unearthed , " placed her fifth in the Absolute Write Idol contest . Most recently , her essay , " Perseverance , " is published in the Stories of Strength anthology in which 100 % of the profits are donated to disaster relief charities . I got up early this morning so I could put all the Halloween treats in the car and decorate Mom 's walker for her Halloween party at day care . All the clients were supposed to wear costumes . Mom went as a witch . I fastened a witch 's broom to the leg of the walker , hung a " Witch Way " sign on the front of the walker , and attached a little black cauldron to the side of the walker . Mom got up and we dressed her in black pants and a black sweatshirt . I put a longhaired black wig on her and pulled her witch 's hat over the hair . She looked so cute . We carried in the basket filled with the Halloween trick or treat bags and I also took a bag of woodcrafts I 'd made , scarecrows and pumpkins , for them to give to the clients as they saw fit . Once home , Two Feather and I loaded the plow onto the wagon to take it down Mom 's house and scrape the driveway . It took about six passes before all the ruts were filled in and the driveway was smooth again . We cleaned out the storm drains again , too . That will need done again once all the trees lose their leaves . The path through the woods was getting ruts from the rain over the summer too . Since we had the plow on the Mule , we thought we 'd try knocking out the high spots in the path . We started at Mom 's yard with that project . After all the summer rains , the small four - inch rut became a twelve - inch ditch . That 's the thing with hills though ; water runs down and once a ditch starts , it gets bigger and deeper . Here 's the before and after pictures . Several passes over the center hump knocked the dirt into the ditch and smoothed it out some . We 'll still have to get gravel or stones and fill in the rest to make it level again . Since that worked out so well , we decided to try scraping the rest of the path through the woods too . That took a bit more work because the ditches were deeper and there were plenty more of them . We made it all the way back up to my house with the plow on the Mule . This picture was taken just behind our shed at the beginning of the path . You can see the hugeposted by Joanne | 8 : 12 PM | Permalink This morning after I took Mom to day care I went straight to the chiropractor . Last week one day when Mom had a difficult time getting up out of her chair I lifted her . Wrong move and my back felt it ! I 've been going to the chiropractor once a month for about six months just to keep my back in place , but this was an in - between appointment . It 's probably a good thing I didn 't wait for my regular appointment because I had thrown my back out . I would really love to have one of those massage machines that they have in their office . OH , does it feel good ! Anyway , my back is sore , but at least it 's back in place for now . I picked up Two Feather after my appointment and we ran errands all day . We went to the bank , the pharmacy , and grocery shopping for both houses again . We keep everything separate for the two houses , but after all the bags are in the car we still have to sort through everything when we get home . When we have everything for our house put away , we go to Mom 's to put her things away and it never fails that we find a bag that should have stayed at our house , or vice versa . It normally takes us a whole day to do the shopping for both places ; between the shopping itself , and then running back and forth between the two houses to unload things and put everything away . I 'm glad Two Feather helps out because there is no way I 'd be capable of lifting the 50 lb bags of dog food for the dogs . Days of me lifting that amount of weight have been over for years . We thought about scraping Mom 's driveway to straighten out all the ruts from the rain , but since we didn 't get home until 3 : 15 after all the errands and shopping , that will have to wait until tomorrow . I 'm normally exhausted after shopping day anyway , so it 's just as well . Mom 's feeling better this evening . The laxative I gave her Monday finally kicked in and we ended up in the shower again before bedtime . With her appetite being less and less her system isn 't working like it used to and it goes from one extreme to the other . Mom was exhaposted by Joanne | 10 : 58 PM | Permalink Sunday night Angel came in about 8 : 00 PM and stayed the night with me at Mom 's house because she had to meet the house inspector in the morning and she had an appointment in Pittsburgh in the afternoon . Mom was asleep by the time Angel arrived so she didn 't get to see her . While I got Mom up to get ready for day care , Angel was getting dressed to leave . We figured it would be better if Angel didn 't go in the kitchen while she ate breakfast because it would have confused Mom . We went on our way and Angel waited for me to come back . Two Feather and I followed her to the house to get a short tour while the inspector was doing his work . It 's a very nice home with beautiful hardwood floors and a nice yard , and it 's only eight miles from our place . After her appointments , Angel headed back home to Mechanicsburg . She 's moving closer to home and Stacey just moved back to Alabama . : ( One of these days I 'll get to see Stacey 's house down south . Stacey called today and said she got a job . She starts tomorrow . She sounded really excited about it . I can 't wait to hear from her after she 's there a few days to see how she likes it . When Two Feather and I got home from seeing Angel 's house he made a fire in the fireplace . The crisp cold air seemed to go right through us while we were walking around outside . It was a good day for staying indoors and sitting by the fire . We made buffalo steaks again today for lunch and sat in the living room and watched TV while we ate . The day seemed to fly by so quickly . I picked Mom up from day care and they told me she complained she had a stomachache about fifteen minutes before I got there . She was having a difficult time in the bathroom as well . The beautician came today and styled Mom 's hair . She does such a beautiful job on Mom 's hair . Next month it will be done the Monday right before Thanksgiving , so Mom will look great for the holiday . On the way home , Mom said she was hungry . I 'm glad all I had to do was heat up dinner when we got home because her appetite doeposted by Joanne | 7 : 45 PM | Permalink It 's been a long time since I 've listened to some of my favorite songs ; songs with heartfelt words that have helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life . I remember my childhood and my life very well . I 'm not perfect and I 've never claimed to be as such , but I know all my decisions came from my heart and my heart has never led me down the wrong path . With each trial and tribulation , no matter what the adversities , I 've picked myself up , brushed myself off , and continued on ; hoping the experience gave me the wisdom and the strength to be a better person and share what I 've learned with others - to help others . I have my parents to thank for that piece of wisdom . No matter what I 'd been through , my parents were there for me , and through the years , they know I 've always been there for them - just as I am today with my mom in her battle with Alzheimer 's . Thank you , Dad and Mom , for showing me the greatest love of all . Greatest Love Of AllI 'd like to think that I raised my children with the same morals , respect , and love in which my parents raised me . Some people may say I was spoiled and that I spoiled my children , but I look at things differently ; I look at everything as an experience and give honor to my parents for allowing me to be myself and experience life , make decisions , while helping me meet my dreams by their words of encouragement . As my parents encouraged me , I encouraged my daughters . In 1992 , my daughter Angel decided she wanted to enter the Miss Teen Of Pennsylvania Pageant . I encouraged her along the way and my parents did as well . They made the trip to Altoona to watch the pageant and share in what would be just one of her many decisions and journeys in life . All week before the pageant , Angel seemed very distant to me . I remember thinking at the time that she was nervous and staying in her room with the door closed was her way of sorting out her thoughts . It was , but it was also her way of keeping something from me that she didn 't want me to know . Our family had gposted by Joanne | 6 : 35 PM | Permalink Two Feather and I took a walk through the woods again on Monday while Mom was at day care . I couldn 't resist taking some pictures of the path from our house to Mom 's . Walking through the woods is so relaxing and with the trees turning their beautiful colors of autumn , our walks are that much more enjoyable . After our walk , we got on the Kawasaki Mule and rode the path all the way to the end of Mom 's driveway . The trees across the road from her driveway are absolutely beautiful . Here are a few pictures of her driveway coming from the bottom up . The first is about one - third of the way up the hill . You can see in the upper right hand corner there is a bend in the road that continues up the hill . This picture was taken just as we came around that bend . I 've never really checked the odometer on the car for the length of the driveway , but it 's a long drive . I used to walk this gravel drive every day to catch the school bus . On days like these pictures were taken , it was a pleasant walk . In the winter , there was more sliding down the drive than walking . I learned to drive on this hill . If you can make it up and down my mom 's driveway in the winter , you can drive anywhere . When we came back to my house , I figured I might as well show you what my driveway looks like . This picture is taken from the bottom of the drive pointing up the drive . The wood stack that I showed in a previous post is at the very top of my driveway at the furthermost corner and beginning of my property . You can 't see to the top of the driveway in this picture because of the shadows that the trees cast over half the driveway . Now you can see why we never get any trick - or - treaters for Halloween . The driveway looks spooky during the day , imagine what it looks like at night . Unless you have four - wheel - drive , most people can 't get up our driveway in the winter . Some have a difficult time making it up in good weather . It 's a 45 - degree angle no matter which way you look at it . My garage is at the bottom of the drive and my house sits back a long siposted by Joanne | 8 : 58 PM | Permalink watching you said . . . You make me sick with all your whining and complaining about caregivers not getting recognized . . . . what is your real reason for taking care of your mom ? Is it , as it should be , because you love her and want her to be warm , safe , and comfortable ? Or do you want a big pat on the back , you martyr ! ! ! ! ! ! ! OR is it that you are sucking her bank accounts dry ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? 10 / 01 / 2007 1 : 38 PMSince October 1 , 2007 when this comment was placed on my blog , this person is doing exactly what her log in name said she would do . She is watching me , with an agenda in mind - every day - twice a day , from her work computer in Pittsburgh , PA . That 's 38 times in a matter of 19 days . I say 19 days because she only logs in from work , not from her home . I 've seen that she is checking the various links to my friend 's blogs and my blog roll links , so to keep my friends from being subjected to this childish nonsense , I 've deleted your blog links from my blog for your protection . If any of you have found a rude remark from Pittsburgh , PA on your blog that links from my blog , please e - mail me so I may give you the name and ISP address of the offender . I will continue to visit your blogs as I have in the past and hope you continue to visit mine as well . Thank you for your understanding . Labels : blog links , childish , Friends , jdkiggins , rude , watching me , watching you This morning Mom woke up and complained of being tired and wanted to go back to sleep . I made her breakfast , but she didn 't eat much . Her appetite is less and less these days . After breakfast we went into the living room and she looked through a few magazines that my friend Betsy sent to us . She loved looking at the old pictures . I read her a few of the stories and she decided she wanted to color a picture . Before Alzheimer 's , you 'd only find Mom coloring when my daughters were young , but she sat for about two hours coloring while I ran back and forth doing the laundry and checking on her . It was such a beautiful day today I couldn 't resist talking Mom into sitting on the porch for a while . Mom enjoyed sitting outside talking in the fresh air and warm breeze . Her dog and cat stayed close beside her feet . The cat is an outside cat , but always comes around for attention when we come outside . Mostly he comes to the porch when he sees us because he thinks he 's going to get fed . When he sniffed his empty bowl and flopped down on the porch by Mom 's feet , he looked a bit disappointed , but his ears perked up when Mom reached to pet him . Angel , Tim , and Katie came over again today and visited for about an hour . They sat outside with us and told us about the houses they visited and decided to make an offer on one of them . Katie was as cute as ever playing with her Elmo doll and walking over to pet Mom 's dog and giggling when he licked her hand . Mom ate a fairly good dinner tonight . It was the most she 'd eaten all weekend . Katie loved the roasted chicken , stuffing , baked sweet potato , and broccoli . After the kids left , Mom said it was time for her to go to bed . She said she was " full and tired " so we went through our bedtime routine and by the time she was dressed for bed she was exhausted . She said she was looking forward to going back to " club " tomorrow . Club is what she calls the adult day care . Mom 's never been an early riser , but she never seems to complain when it 's time to get up for club . She enjoyposted by Joanne | 8 : 50 PM | Permalink My daughter , Angel , her husband Tim , and my granddaughter Katie came in again this weekend . Third visit in four weeks . It 's great seeing them when they come in . Mom always enjoys their visits . They stay for an hour or so and leave when they know Mom looks and sounds tired . They 're looking at houses this weekend because they are planning to move back to this area . Their camper will be parked here at Mom 's for a while until they find a house and move it to their new home . Seeing her camper sitting in the yard makes me think of camping and the last trip when we took Mom to a Powwow over Labor Day weekend 2006 . We 've always included Mom in everything we do , and wanted to continue taking her places for as long as we could . We found out that weekend even short trips for a few days only added to her confusion and frustration from this horrible disease Alzheimer 's . Staying in a camper only confused her more . It took a week for her to realize she was back home and things were never the same after that ; Alzheimer 's was stealing her mind bit - by - bit , memory - by - memory . Now , we enjoy each day here on our wonderful piece of heaven in our own backyard . It 's peaceful , quiet , melancholy , and beautiful . Mom is quite satisfied staying at home , even if most of the time she doesn 't realize it is her home . This weekend would have been a lovely weekend to go on a camping trip . The cool soft breeze , beautiful changes in the color of the trees , and sitting by a small brook or river sounds so inviting . We all look forward to the day when we 're able to load up the campers and meet for a weekend rendezvous again , but we 're all quite content enjoying the time we have with Mom in our little slice of nature here at home . Katie is learning all sorts of new words . She 's now asking , " What 's that ? " and " What 's this ? " as she points to different things . She says , " GG " and points to my mom . My grandchildren have called Mom ' GG ' since they learned how to talk . It 's much easier than saying great - grandma . My other granddaughter , Trinity , posted by Joanne | 6 : 15 PM | Permalink There 's nothing more tranquil than life in the country and watching nature at its best . I love the season changes . To me , this old mountain has always been the most beautiful place in the world . That will never change . When I was a young girl , Dad and Mom had considered placing a road sign at the bottom of the driveway , but for some reason that never happened . The name they were going to put on the sign was ' pleasant view drive ' . As you can see by the pictures , the name would have been perfect . Just four days ago these trees were still green with very little color , but with the cooler nights and sunlit days the brilliance of the leaves are painting the landscape into yet another beautiful view . Now that the leaves are changing colors , it 's easier to see the squirrels scampering from branch to branch gathering nuts for the winter . Watching the squirrels run through the crisp leaves and hearing the leaves crunch under the hooves of the deer grazing and walking through the yard sets a peaceful atmosphere . All the sounds of nature are beautiful . The birds songs echo through the trees and as they fly from tree to tree . This is a picture of the hillside across the valley from Mom 's house . I love gazing at the colors , and when a soft breeze blows , the leaves dancing slowly to the ground fascinate me . Each day more and more leaves show their hue of yellow , orange , and red adding more beauty to an already picturesque site . This is just one of the many reasons why I have no intention of ever leaving the area where I grew up . Not only will I stay because there are so many wonderful memories here , but also out of respect for my dad because he diligently worked every day to make this our home . I can 't think of a better way to honor him and my mother than to maintain what he had worked his entire life for . Labels : Country , Dad , Fall , Honor , jdkiggins , Life , Mom , picturesque , Tranquil Today was a beautiful day . Two Feather and I spent part of the day mowing again . There hasn 't been much rain lately so the grass didn 't grow a lot , but it still needed cut . As usual , he loaded the mowers on the Mule and the wagon and hauled them down to Mom 's . As long as we don 't get a drastic change in weather , heat and rain mixed , this should be the last time we cut this year . We 'll see . Here are a few pictures of how nice the yards look after they are mowed . These two are pictures of behind Mom 's house and what we call the lower yard . Of course , since the turkey hang out in all these areas , I had to run around picking up all the turkey feathers before we mowed . We clean them and Two Feather uses them to make Indian headdresses . He 'll be making a special Eastern headdress here soon . We 've probably collected enough feathers this year to make several different types and sizes of headdresses . This is the yard above the house and above the barn . To the left in this picture you can see another fallen tree . He 'll be working on that one soon . Right now he 's still trying to get all the wood off the driveway from the oaks we had taken down . After we finished at Mom 's we had to mow our yard , too . I didn 't get a chance to take pictures up at our place . I 'll be showing a few pictures of that yard soon - - after we work on the flowerbeds . When the mowing was finished , Two Feather loaded a few more large pieces of oak on the wagon and took them up to our house to split them . He stacked more wood on the remaining skids we had ready for the wood . This is only 1 / 3 of the two big oak trees that were taken down . There is still plenty of room to add a few more skids and a large stock pile behind it . We won 't be running out of firewood anytime soon . This wood has to dry for two years before it can be used , though . I swear Two Feather is a workaholic . He never stops working ! When he was finished stacking wood , he decided to cut up another fallen tree near the path going to Mom 's . He had to weedwack the weeds around it before he could posted by Joanne | 7 : 08 PM | Permalink I read this article " Progress Cited in Alzheimer 's Diagnosis " in The New York Times on October 14 . Seems researchers are working on a blood test to detect Alzheimer 's disease . Though it 's too late for the millions of our elderly who are already in the severe to end stage of the disease , it would be wonderful if this blood test becomes something doctors will be able to use soon . Even with a 90 % accuracy rating in its testing phase , it seems the blood test won 't be available to doctors for another " few " years . There has been some talk about this test ; some say they wouldn 't bother getting the test because they wouldn 't want to know if they would be tested positive for Alzheimer 's . Why ? Because the medications used in Alzheimer 's treatment today , only slow down the process , if they work at all . For some , the medications aggravate the disease . I 'm not sure I would have the blood test when it would become available . The likelihood of me getting Alzheimer 's is high because both my parents had / have it . Yes , this may be progress in learning about Alzheimer 's disease , but I 'd rather see the scientist working on a cure for this horrible disease . Right now there is no cure , and the outcome , whether " predicted " or not would still be the same . Labels : Alzheimer 's Disease , blood test , cure , jdkiggins , Progress , researchers Today seemed to fly by more swiftly than Friday . Mom was up and down a dozen times during the night , rummaging through her dresser drawers , trying to pull off pajamas , going through clothes in the closet and trying to put them on over her pajamas , and using the potty chair . She finally settled down about 3 : 00 AM and slept . Since she was up and down most of the night , I let her sleep until 11 : 00 . She still seemed exhausted after eight hours sleep and ate very little breakfast . The occupational therapist called at 11 : 45 and said she had one more visit with Mom and wanted to know if she could come by then . She was here by noon . She worked with Mom on arm exercises for about 45 minutes . Amy was very sweet . She left her cell phone number and told me to call anytime if I had any questions or when Mom 's situation changes and she needed more care . She 's a very sweet and caring person . All of Mom 's therapists and nurses have been wonderful . This was the last visit today . Mom 's been discharged from home care because she 's reached her full capability . After Amy left , Mom and I sat in the living room and I read her the recent letter from her friend . I put Mom 's writing tablet and pen on the snack table in front of her so she could write a letter back . For the past several months , I 've had to give Mom ideas as to what to write . She 's not been able to think or concentrate enough to figure out what to say in a letter . I 'll jot down a few notes on a piece of paper , tell her to write about those things , and I 'll come back in the room a few minutes later . She 's asked me to read the letter over to make sure it sounds okay , and I told her it 's fine . It took her two weeks to finally finish a letter to her friend the last time . I called her friend to let her know that Mom has Alzheimer 's because I 'm sure by now she 's realized that Mom 's letters are not the same as they used to be . She used to write long flowing letters about everything she did for the week and apologize for the length of the letter . Now , hposted by Joanne | 5 : 27 PM | Permalink Friday came and went too quickly . I took Mom to adult day care and went straight to my house to visit with Two Feather . We went to the post office to mail the bills I 'd worked on the evening before and then we went to the store to pick up a few groceries . While we were at Wal - Mart we bought a few new releases to add to our collection of movies that we watch during the cold winter months . When we got home , Two Feather was full of surprises . He built a fire in the fireplace and told me to lie on the couch and relax . I guess he could tell Mom and I had a long night . Without telling him , Two Feather always seems to know whether I was up most of the night or whether I was able to get some rest . He always encourages me to rest when I 'm home even though that is our only time together . Watching the flames surround the logs in the fireplace was hypnotizing . The heat from the fire warmed the living room and my heart knowing that Two Feather does whatever he can to make me comfortable when I get the chance to relax in our house . He knows that it doesn 't take much to make me happy , and it 's the little things that mean so much to me and matter the most . I dozed off watching the fire and before I knew it Two Feather was waking me up at 1 : 00 . He stood above me smiling and asked if I felt like eating . When I said , " Yes , " he said , " Good , sit there . I 'll be back in a minute . " It took him less than a minute to bring a tray into the living and set it front of me . He 'd made buffalo tenderloin and fried potatoes while I was sleeping and had already slipped one of the movies into the DVD player for us to watch while we ate our lunch together . Two Feather cooks his own dinner every evening since I 'm not there to do it . He seldom comes to Mom 's to eat because he doesn 't want her to feel uncomfortable . Our meals together are far and few between . The meal he made was wonderful for a lot of reasons . Buffalo is excellent if cooked properly , and Two Feather knows exactly how to cook it . The meal was also wonderful because posted by Joanne | 12 : 22 AM | Permalink This past weekend was a nightmare , because of nightmares . Saturday night Mom was up 15 times . She 'd no sooner get to sleep and she was awake again because of a dream she kept having about someone chasing her and trying to hurt her . Then , the person in the dream was trying to hurt both of us . I felt so bad for her because each time she awoke , she thought she 'd been awake and thought the dream was real . She asked me to walk around the house and check all the locks . It 's amazing how she can be up most of the night , catch a few winks in between , and only show the normal tiredness she shows after a good night 's sleep . Normally when this happens , she gets exhausted around 2 : 00 and I have to keep her interested in different activities , forcing her to stay awake at least until 4 : 00 so she can eat dinner and sit up a while for her food to digest some before she goes to bed . Sunday morning between 8 : 00 and 9 : 00 she was up and down 20 times thinking she had to go to the bathroom and feeling like she was going to vomit . Neither of which came to fruition . Each of those 20 times , before trying to get out of bed , she yelled , " Joannnnne , help me ! " She 's not running a fever , she was just checked for a UTI , so that 's not the problem . She 's always had an overactive bladder . Her brain is simply malfunctioning and she doesn 't realize she 's been up and down so many times . Those who care for someone suffering with Alzheimer 's know that a person with AD will get up and wander or roam the house , or think they need to go to the bathroom , when they don 't , or they simply want to go home , not realizing they are in their own home . Some caregivers are up and down with their loved ones 30 - 50 - 70 times a night , with no exaggeration , for various reasons . My heart aches for them . There is no predicting whether or not your loved one will have a good day / night or bad one . You take one day at a time , and one moment at a time . Everything and anything can change from one instance to the next . Just when you think you might have sposted by Joanne | 8 : 01 AM | Permalink I got Mom up at 9 : 30 as usual to begin her day . Instead of the normal , " Good morning , Mom , it 's time to get up , " I began her day with , " Good morning , Mom . Happy Birthday ! ! " I 'd been telling her all week that her birthday was Saturday , they even sang Happy Birthday to her at the Adult Day Care yesterday , but she didn 't remember . She started her birthday off with a bang . Three trips to the bathroom and before she even had the chance to eat breakfast ; we 'd already cleaned her up and changed her clothes three times . I felt so bad for her . She becomes angry with herself , then becomes embarrassed , then feels bad that I have to clean her up . My heart wrenches when she has those few lucid moments and realizes that she has no control over her functions . I truly hate this disease Alzheimer 's and what it is taking from my mom . If there is anything good about Alzheimer 's disease , it is the fact that our loved ones don 't remember the embarrassment ; the next moment is a new moment and it 's as if what happened before never happened - because it 's lost from their memory . Breakfast was scrambled eggs , fried potatoes , juice and coffee . She loved her breakfast and ate nearly half of it . Two Feather came down after breakfast and gave her a card he 'd made and picked wildflowers for her and gave them to her . She loved both the flowers and card . She kept telling him what a nice person he is and how she 's so lucky to have him in her life . He was thanked at least a half dozen times for the card and flowers . Mom just loves Two Feather so much . He always makes her smile and brightens her day . While Two was there , I gave Mom the four new pair of pants we bought her . I 'd written a poem for her , but she had a hard time reading it . It wasn 't just the size of the type ; she was having a difficult time figuring out the words . So I read it to her . Happy Birthday , Mom © Joanne D . Kiggins 2007Mom , when the Creator gave you life , I 'm sure he had a plan . For you to be a mother and a wife , and mainstay of this clan . Through tposted by Joanne | 8 : 12 PM | Permalink Two Feather uses his Kawasaki Mule to run around the property and cut up all the fallen trees for firewood . As mentioned in my previous post , he also uses it to transfer the mowers back and forth from our house to Mom 's . He also uses it to plow the snow off both driveways , to grade the driveways when they become rutted from the rain , and to drive back and forth through the woods to see me everyday . The Mule has nearly 700 hours on it from all the work he 's done with it . Today when we went through the woods to get to the bottom of Mom 's driveway to pick up her garbage can , there was a strange loud scraping noise coming from underneath the Mule . When we got back up to our house , we cleaned off all the mud from the underbelly , cleaned around all the moving parts , and greased all the fittings . Seems once all the mud was removed the noise became louder . When he went to loosen the gear oil bolt so he could check the oil level in the gearbox , the bolt snapped . Guess we 'll be calling the Kawasaki dealer to come pick it up for service . Not only do we need to find out what the strange scraping noise is , we now need them to get the other half of the bolt out and probably rethread the opening and put a new bolt in . Good thing we mowed Mom 's grass when we did . Now we 're going to have to figure out how to get the mowers to her place if the yards need mowed again . We were hoping this was the last mowing , but with the way the weather has been it may need done a few more times before winter sets in . So much for things going smoothly . Two Feather and I always say that if we didn 't have bad luck , we wouldn 't have any luck at all . I 'm getting really good at saying , " Oh well ! " Next stop … the auto parts store . Mom gave Two Feather and me Dad 's old ' 51 Farmall tractor several years ago , before I started taking care of her . Dad 's old tractor had been sitting in the bottom of the barn for years and didn 't run . The gas tank still had gas in it that turned to gel and rust , and it needed new everything . Two Featherposted by Joanne | 7 : 55 PM | Permalink Today , we started working on filling in ruts on the path from my house to my Mom 's . With all the rainfall we 've had lately , the water gushes down the path and has begun to make the ruts larger . We got a good bit done , but we had to stop working on that so we 'd have time to get the mowing done at Mom 's house . Two Feather loaded our riding mower on the wagon and put the push mower in the back of his Kawasaki Mule and we headed to Mom 's house to mow her yard . I mow the small side yard , front area by the sidewalk , and the circle around her flowerbed with the push mower while he mows the rest of the huge yard with the rider . I trimmed the trumpet vine on the porch , edged the sidewalk , and pulled weeds while Two Feather finished mowing . We took the mowers back to our house and rode back down to Mom 's to get the mail and paper and put the garbage out for collection . When we got back to Mom 's house , a package was sitting on the table on the porch . I was pleased that UPS had delivered the book I 'd just purchased . I 've heard so much about Deborah Uetz 's book , Into the Mist : When Someone You Love Has Alzheimer 's Disease , I just had to buy it . Can 't wait to start reading it . This evening I called Angel to ask how Tim was doing . A few days after Mom was in the hospital , Tim went to the emergency room . He 'd had a gall bladder attack . He 's scheduled for surgery on the 11th . Angel told me they were coming in this weekend again because she has a job interview . She 'll be leaving for back home on Sunday and Tim will be staying for his job interviews on Monday and Tuesday . They plan to move back to this area as soon as they acquire jobs here and sell their house in Mechanicsburg . YAY ! ! ! Anyway , Angel wants to visit Saturday with Mom . It will be Mom 's 84th birthday ! Angel thought we could take Mom out for lunch or early dinner . Two Feather and I had thought about that too , but we figured we 'd wait to see how Mom is that morning . The home health nurse and OT nurse are coming Saturday , too . They won 't be posted by Joanne | 10 : 12 PM | Permalink Sometimes by evening when I 'm ready to update my blog , I add the most exciting things that happen during the day and forget to post the mundane things . So , many times you 'll read interesting tidbits only to find my next post reverting to the day before when I have time to write . Yesterday , I arrived at my house about 9 : 30 after my early morning doctor appointment . I 'd already had it in my mind to clean the house when I got home . Two Feather makes a pot of coffee every day I 'm there so I poured a cup and sat on the couch and watched the end of the " Today Show " with him . As soon as it was over , I started to work on the house . First I pulled all the throws off the couch and chairs and put them in the washer . Pulled the sheets off the bed and picked up all the rugs in the house and took them to the laundry room . When I started , I was in high gear . By the time I cleaned the bathrooms , and vacuumed and dusted the whole house , I was aching and exhausted . There was no stopping me , though . In between the bathroom cleaning , vacuuming , and dusting , I tossed the throws in the dryer and put the sheets in the washer . I swept the kitchen and entryway floor and then switched washer loads again . Now the rugs were in the washer and the throws were ready to be placed back on the couch and chairs . I took a short break and went outside to sit on the deck and grab a breath of fresh air . Out of the corner of my eye , I noticed something crawling on the deck post . Of course I always carry my camera with me , so I ran in the house to get it so I wouldn 't miss the shot of this green - colored walking stick . Most of the walking sticks we 've seen around here are brown in color . It was fascinating to me to see a green one . I never miss a chance to get pictures of all the different things I see . As you know from earlier posts , I love nature and all its beauty . The short break outside was all I needed to get my second wind . It 's probably a good thing I took that break , too . I went back in the house to check the sheets in the dryer aposted by Joanne | 10 : 06 PM | Permalink This is something I haven 't seen for a very long time . Horses in Mom 's yard ! Brought back some wonderful memories . What a joy it was to see them . I love horses . Here they are at the edge of the drive . I was sitting at the kitchen table with Mom and something caught my eye through the window . When I looked out , I saw Barney and ? not sure what the other horse 's name is , grazing in her flowerbed . Just had to run upstairs and get my camera . I reached for the phone to call the neighbor to let her know her horses were out , but before I dialed , I saw her walking down the path with a lead and an oat bucket . We had a nice chat . She 's a very nice woman . During the conversation , I learned that she 's a nurse at the very nursing home where my Uncle Joe is . Small world . Mom loved seeing the horses , too . After the neighbor left , Mom and I talked about all the animals Dad raised on the farm . She didn 't remember , but she enjoyed talking about it . The physical therapist saw Mom for the third time today . She gave her a few more exercises to do to help strengthen her legs . Mom doesn 't like exercises . She always used to say , " I 'll walk around the yard tomorrow . " She 's saying the same thing about the exercises . " I 'll do the exercises tomorrow . " She doesn 't remember that she 's already done them twice each day . Maybe that 's a good thing . : DThe home health nurse has been here twice so far . We 're still waiting on the occupational therapist and home health aide to arrange appointments . Labels : animals , farm , horses , jdkiggins , Mom , nurse , PT , Surprise , visitors , wonderful memories Back when the pine tree was taken down , we also had a few big oak trees taken down on Mom 's driveway because they were dying from the inside out . Both were leaning toward the driveway , and toward the phone and power lines next to the drive . Here 's a picture of the oaks and the drive before they were removed . Good thing we had them taken down before the next windy storm . The entire centers of both trees were hollow . Here 's the after shot . Looks like Two Feather will be hauling wood for a very long time . Last week in between all the comings and goings we also took trees down along the hillside behind my garage and house . I showed pictures before of the storm damage . Here 's a picture of the hill before the trees were removed . What a difference this makes on the hillside ! Makes me look forward to spring so I can work in my flowerbeds again . Those flowerbeds are going to need a lot of work , too ; everything was crushed by all the wood rolling down the hill . LOLLabels : flowerbeds , hillside , jdkiggins , oak trees , phone lines , pine tree , power lines , Two Feather , wind storm All too often caregivers find themselves in situations where they constantly feel they need to explain what they are doing and why they are doing it . All too often they run into people , including family members , who just don 't understand Alzheimer 's Disease , and for the most part never will . All too often caregivers have more stress from these type situations than they do with the care giving itself . These are just a few of many things caregivers need to remind themselves when taking on the responsibility of caring for a loved one . You are a caregiver for the purpose of providing security to your loved one and maintaining their health , welfare , safety , and dignity . Anything beyond that is not your responsibility . Each Alzheimer 's patient is different from the next . No one person has the same reaction to a situation . Each situation is different - - every moment . This list is to help all caregivers remember they are doing a good job in taking care of their loved ones , and to remind them not to be too hard on themselves . 1 . I need to remember I am here to do a job and that job is to take care of my loved one . 2 . I need to remember that I am doing the best thing I can possibly do for my loved one . 3 . I need to remember my loved one comes first before all others . 4 . I need to remember to keep my loved one safe . 5 . I need to remember to keep my loved one fed . 6 . I need to remember to keep my loved one warm . 7 . I need to remember to keep my loved one clean . 8 . I need to remember to keep my loved one healthy . 9 . I need to remember to keep my loved one comfortable . 10 . I need to remember to keep my loved one happy . 11 . I need to remember to keep my loved one free of pain . 12 . I need to remember to keep my loved one free of aggravation and aggression13 . I need to remember to keep my loved one free of anger and upsets14 . I need to remember to keep my loved one from being distracted . 15 . I need to remember to keep my loved one in familiar surroundings . 16 . I need to remember to keep my loved one stimulated . 17 . I need to remember to keep posted by Joanne | 12 : 53 PM | Permalink October 1 at 8 : 00 PMI 'm inviting all my friends , relatives , and other caregivers to shine a light on Alzheimer 's disease awareness . All you have to do is put up a string of Christmas light , turn on a porch light , or place an electric candle in your window today and turn them on at 8 : 00 PM . Come Glow With Us is a campaign that was started to shed a little light on the thousands of primary caregivers who give of their time and their compassion , to ease the journey of those they love . In many cases their work is unnoticed , unappreciated , unpaid . They toil day after day , often in isolation , suffering along with their loved ones . They are the invisible victims of Alzheimer and other long term illness . The Come Glow with Us campaign began last year to mark the 100th anniversary of Dr Alois Alzheimer discovering the plaques and tangle traits of Alzheimer 's disease . In response to our invitation " glowers " lit up the night skies from California to Florida , Vancouver to Newfoundland , ( 23 states and eight provinces were represented ) as well as Ireland , England , Scotland and Australia . This October 1 - we ask that you help us make the glow even brighter . Place the spot light on dementias and light up our lives , so we know you care about those who someday , may be caring for you . All you need do is place one string of Christmas lights somewhere prominent , and plug them in at 8 pm October 1 . Every hour that night - new sets of lights will glow as the clock turns eight in each time zone . Give us hope of a better tomorrow - show you care - Come Glow With Us . Labels : Alzheimer 's Disease , Caregivers , Come Glow With Us , jdkiggins , October 1
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