diff --git "a/train_data/en/replics/train_rachel_replics.txt" "b/train_data/en/replics/train_rachel_replics.txt" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/train_data/en/replics/train_rachel_replics.txt" @@ -0,0 +1,12456 @@ +NOTFRIEND: And you didn t marry him be-cause? +RACHEL: I mean d you think. there are people that go through life never having that kind of. +NOTFRIEND: Pffhah. +RACHEL: What’s your problem? +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?! +RACHEL: Ohh, I mean it’s just so realistic! +NOTFRIEND: What’s her last name? +RACHEL: Carol…Lesbian? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye! +RACHEL: People are trying to sleep in here! +NOTFRIEND: You can't! +RACHEL: Seriously I did not understand a word that you said. +NOTFRIEND: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a HOTTY! HI! +RACHEL: Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the play. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories, about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke. +RACHEL: and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: In my apartment! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan! +NOTFRIEND: Fine. I’ll go. +RACHEL: Okay, but before you go, could you help me first? +NOTFRIEND: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7! +RACHEL: I am soo gonna marry that guy. +NOTFRIEND: Did he go out for a cigarette? +RACHEL: Yeah, four times. +NOTFRIEND: So where are you applying to? +RACHEL: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of. +NOTFRIEND: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie? +RACHEL: I haven’t seen it yet! +NOTFRIEND: Oh God, we just clicked! Y’know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you? +RACHEL: Oh, I. +NOTFRIEND: Oo what's in the bag? +RACHEL: Oh er, well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Hi! +RACHEL: How was the honeymoon? +NOTFRIEND: Why did you do that? +RACHEL: Because she hates Pottery Barn. +NOTFRIEND: I know what you mean. You're like a sister to me too. +RACHEL: I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you. +NOTFRIEND: Wha? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy. +RACHEL: Alright, come on. Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together. +NOTFRIEND: Totally. +RACHEL: Phoebe are you serious? +NOTFRIEND: OK. You stay here. You just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you. +RACHEL: Does anybody wanna trade? +NOTFRIEND: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I—In fact, I am going to talk to the president of the condom company! +RACHEL: Okay, y’know maybe I should come back… +NOTFRIEND: How'd he take it? +RACHEL: Pretty well, actually. +NOTFRIEND: He said, Nice to meet you Glenda. Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name? +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron. +RACHEL: I want the little round waffles. +NOTFRIEND: I thought you said you read it in high school. +RACHEL: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway umm, what is this book about? +NOTFRIEND: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you? +RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date. +NOTFRIEND: Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine my life without you. Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, and, and. +RACHEL: I can’t, you’re a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can’t stop picturing with her, I can’t, it doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It’s just changed, everything. Forever. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me. +RACHEL: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility. +NOTFRIEND: Multiple, so many paper cuts. +RACHEL: Why hasn’t he called Rachel? I don’t understand. He said he’ll call. Chandler I’m telling you she has flipped out, she’s gone crazy! +NOTFRIEND: But he's falling in love with her. +RACHEL: Please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh ooh, we have a live one! +RACHEL: Oh, it’s a Macy’s bag! +NOTFRIEND: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can't believe I missed it. +RACHEL: Hey, y'know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it'll be Valentine's Day, then my birthday, then bang! before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! Y'know, I want a man! I mean, it doesn't even have to be a big relationship, y'know, just like a fling would be great. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference. +RACHEL: What do you do now? +NOTFRIEND: Wha, uhh, what? +RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from. +NOTFRIEND: Please, if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days! +RACHEL: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong? +NOTFRIEND: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming. +RACHEL: I thought I was a complete idiot. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, she'll be here any minute. +RACHEL: I hope it's ok. +NOTFRIEND: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. +RACHEL: No, no, no, wait! I'll go, I'll go! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy! +RACHEL: Even so, I think I'm gonna pick Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, if I see one more cup of coffee. +RACHEL: Yeah, gotcha. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: God, Monica it’s on the ceiling. +NOTFRIEND: Yeeep. Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all. +RACHEL: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. +NOTFRIEND: Humus. I got the humus. +RACHEL: Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket? +NOTFRIEND: Honey, both yours. +RACHEL: Great advice on that Joey thing! +NOTFRIEND: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend. +RACHEL: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that! +NOTFRIEND: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. +RACHEL: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma? +RACHEL: On a cake shaped like a bunny. +NOTFRIEND: That’s right, all the ladies want to stay at Joey’s. +RACHEL: I don’t want to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper towels here! +NOTFRIEND: All right, I'll do it. +RACHEL: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Emily? +NOTFRIEND: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you. +RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress. +NOTFRIEND: No, it was. It was very very good. +RACHEL: Well, what about Mindy? +NOTFRIEND: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters. +RACHEL: You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show. +NOTFRIEND: No, a car backfired, but I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I. I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? II want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. II am seeing everything so-so clearly now. +RACHEL: Because a car backfired? +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. Maybe I'll see in the spring, with the uh, y'know, for the uh, bathing suits. +RACHEL: Oh well, you don't want to do that now?! +NOTFRIEND: I am not! +RACHEL:! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! +NOTFRIEND: But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough. +RACHEL: Wha, hey! +NOTFRIEND: Where you can make out with your assistant. +RACHEL: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry! +RACHEL: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work. +NOTFRIEND: Stay calm?! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you?! That’s it! Is that it?! +RACHEL: Yes, he says I’m damaged goods. +NOTFRIEND: Nice shooting! +RACHEL: We'll take Literature! +NOTFRIEND: I, I just never think of money as an issue. +RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it. +NOTFRIEND: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it? +RACHEL: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some JellO with them. +NOTFRIEND: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad. +RACHEL: And so bad. I don’t even know what you’re talking about because I didn’t ask you to do anything! +NOTFRIEND: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all. +RACHEL: Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay. +NOTFRIEND: Just call me Paul. +RACHEL: Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy. +NOTFRIEND: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend. +RACHEL: Well—Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend. +NOTFRIEND: She can’t hear you. +RACHEL: You guys, come on! +NOTFRIEND: If this is your idea of sexy talk? +RACHEL: No seriously, y’know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them? +NOTFRIEND: So, ah. So, how was it? Uh, did you guys. Did you guys have a good time? +RACHEL: Oh, it was so much fun. It felt so good to be out. +NOTFRIEND: Ewww! +RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: You are never going to believe what happened to me today. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Phoebe that’s it. Come on, get out—out of the chair. Get out! Oh come…Phoebe! +RACHEL: Could you get that? I thought you were in your room? +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: I’m gonna miss you so much! +NOTFRIEND: See, I'm not bad at this fixing up thing, huh? +RACHEL: Well, so what does he do? +NOTFRIEND: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In amp Out amp In, Again. +RACHEL: Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: So how’s it goin’ with Joey? +NOTFRIEND: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies. +RACHEL: You're not an artist. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Well, this is really awkward Oh, and I can leave! +NOTFRIEND: Well, but, but. +RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that. +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, I don’t know. We really have to talk this through. +RACHEL: You guys have such problems! I feel so terrible for you! +NOTFRIEND: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice. +RACHEL:! Oh daddy! Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down. +NOTFRIEND: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass. Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate. +NOTFRIEND: That's cool. Cool. +RACHEL: No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me! +NOTFRIEND: Miss? May I help you? +RACHEL: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident. +NOTFRIEND: No they can’t! They were stupid enough to get knocked up! +RACHEL: Contraceptives are not always effective! +NOTFRIEND: Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself. +RACHEL: No, no Phoebe no, I was no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can! +NOTFRIEND: Does Ralph mumble when you’re not paying attention? +RACHEL: It’s weird. But the thing is need to find a date. +NOTFRIEND: Surprise! +RACHEL: Look at all these cups! This is so weird. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, please… +RACHEL: Ah, a little preview! +NOTFRIEND: Better not be doin' these in order. +RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay? +RACHEL: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed? +NOTFRIEND: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in there you like? +RACHEL: There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, you got it! +RACHEL: Ross, can you pass me the yams? +NOTFRIEND: What's the part, Anti-man? +RACHEL: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I've got one. Wow, those things almost never come true. +RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him? +RACHEL: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go. +RACHEL: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in. +NOTFRIEND: Alone?! +RACHEL: But what is wrong with this dog?! +NOTFRIEND: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! +RACHEL: Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Did you know he was in there? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I think I can help you get over him. +RACHEL: You can? +NOTFRIEND: Hi, how are you doing Kelly? +RACHEL: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Ok, let me just change. +NOTFRIEND: Right. +RACHEL: I’ve fallen down! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them! +RACHEL: Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach! There she is. My perfectly proportioned wife. +RACHEL: Don't look at me I never get his jokes. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago. +NOTFRIEND: Left! Thank you. +RACHEL: You’re welcome. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I'll take some of that. +RACHEL: Pheebs, that's for men! +NOTFRIEND: just, don't talk. +RACHEL: Well, that's new! +NOTFRIEND: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, III don't get it Maybe if they met me in person. +RACHEL: Honey, you got a little thing on your. +NOTFRIEND: I uh, I just came by because II want to talk to you about something. +RACHEL: Okay what’s up? +NOTFRIEND: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I’d find work. +RACHEL: You’re great! +NOTFRIEND: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress. +RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa! Don't know about that. +RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break? +NOTFRIEND: Time for your scalp massage! +RACHEL: I really love your. +NOTFRIEND: So Rachel, what're you, uh, what're you up to tonight? +RACHEL: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! +NOTFRIEND: So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome. +RACHEL: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. I'm talking to Rome. +NOTFRIEND: You’re so bad! +RACHEL: I’m serious, I really, I think I need just to have some, meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Was she good? +NOTFRIEND: So last I heard you were gonna get married. Oh poor Ray-ray. +RACHEL: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! II actually work at Ralph Lauren! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so you both just know this stuff? +RACHEL: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on. +NOTFRIEND: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies. +RACHEL: Yeah, okay, at ease solider! +NOTFRIEND: Uhuh, uhuh. Oh my God! This is really happening. +RACHEL: Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey. +NOTFRIEND: Okay then I don’t have a choice! I have to buy that lamp! +RACHEL: That’s right! +NOTFRIEND: I had a really nice time tonight. +RACHEL: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out. +NOTFRIEND: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren? +RACHEL: To get you to make out with him! +NOTFRIEND: Which one is Gina? +RACHEL: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings. +NOTFRIEND: Great. So the ball is in his court? +RACHEL: Ball? There is no ball. +NOTFRIEND: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular. +RACHEL: Can't I just look at the handles on them? +NOTFRIEND: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms. +RACHEL: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is ‘no tissue, no tuschy.’ Well, if everybody’s going. +NOTFRIEND: Why do all you’re coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom? +RACHEL: That’s so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, ‘Where’s number 27?!’ +NOTFRIEND: It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us. +RACHEL: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. Thief. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I ve gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am. +RACHEL: How long do cats live? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. After you of course. +RACHEL: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today. +NOTFRIEND: For Ross. +RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college. +RACHEL: You took the same class twice. +NOTFRIEND: Oke-dokey. +RACHEL: Oh-ho! +NOTFRIEND: Why don’t I take you out? +RACHEL:! Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady. +NOTFRIEND: It was an accident. It's not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts! +RACHEL: Can we change the subject, please? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I, uh I went to Aruba. +RACHEL: You went on our honeymoon alone? +NOTFRIEND: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: So ah, Monica ready yet? +RACHEL: She'll be out in a second. So, Chip, how's umm, Amy Welch? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! +RACHEL: All right, I promise. I’ll fix this. I’llI’llI’llI’ll talk to her. +NOTFRIEND: Yesss? +RACHEL: Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it. +NOTFRIEND: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired. +RACHEL: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Okay, a thousand. +NOTFRIEND: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program! +RACHEL: We use it! +NOTFRIEND: She has to know that your not ready. +RACHEL: So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof. +NOTFRIEND: Well, let's see, it's not. Really, like that. Because, you see. +RACHEL: I'mI'm sorry, I just thought that. +NOTFRIEND: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right. +RACHEL: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots. +NOTFRIEND: Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel! +RACHEL: Pheebs, that's great! +NOTFRIEND: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know. +RACHEL: I haven't heard from her in seven months, and. +NOTFRIEND: Because you would rather live here with Joey. +RACHEL: Where did you get that? +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him. +RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him. +NOTFRIEND: Really?! +RACHEL: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look? +RACHEL: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part. +NOTFRIEND: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya. +RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil. +NOTFRIEND: Come here! +RACHEL: What’s wrong with you?! +NOTFRIEND: And y’know what I said to him? I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off! +RACHEL: What did he say? +NOTFRIEND: Mrs. Braverman must be out. +RACHEL: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex. +RACHEL: What’s the other one? +NOTFRIEND: This is disgusting! +RACHEL: I'm not reading this! +NOTFRIEND: You know your insurance will cover that. +RACHEL: I'm just not that bright either. +NOTFRIEND: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch. +RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders. +NOTFRIEND: This is so exciting for her. Well, I’ll let you two fash…ists get down to business. +RACHEL: All right Dina, well let’s talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let’s see, there’s design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there’s-there’s sales, which is great because you get to travel. +NOTFRIEND: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay! And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. +RACHEL: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty! +NOTFRIEND: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to to ask a woman out,, who am I gonna ask? +RACHEL: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. +NOTFRIEND: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while. +RACHEL: You walked around all night in the city by yourself? +NOTFRIEND: Hi Jill. +RACHEL: And that’s Phoebe, and that’s Joey. +NOTFRIEND: James Campbell. +RACHEL: Excuse us. +NOTFRIEND: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! +RACHEL: We have to get her a present?! +NOTFRIEND: Are you all right? +RACHEL: Uhh… I think I just got engaged. +NOTFRIEND: It starts? +RACHEL: Yeah, so let’s get started on the wedding plans! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the I-win -guy. I win! I win! I went out with the guy for two months-I didn't get to win once. +RACHEL: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people! +NOTFRIEND: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman. +RACHEL: Okay, I’m totally cool! +NOTFRIEND: And then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby. +RACHEL: It wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I got to do. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy! +RACHEL: So wh? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out. +NOTFRIEND: That’s okay Rach, we’re not liking Ross right now. +RACHEL: I’ve got a lot of those too! +NOTFRIEND: What?! You cannot tell him that! +RACHEL:! People love to hear that! +NOTFRIEND: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking. +RACHEL: I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or Mac. Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or C. H. E. E. S. E. +RACHEL: So Mac and C. H. E. E. S. E. +NOTFRIEND: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone. +RACHEL: Enough out of you! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! III was um, I was taking a nap. +RACHEL: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes she is. +RACHEL: Hi, this is my friend Rachel. +NOTFRIEND: Ready for your birthday lunch? +RACHEL: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Oh I can’t believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that. +RACHEL: Fine, I will. +NOTFRIEND: What is she doing here? +RACHEL: I don’t understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’ +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: I’m not moving! Is that picture straight? +NOTFRIEND: Turns out he is kinda funny. +RACHEL: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you! +NOTFRIEND: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again! +RACHEL: I'm gonna miss you so much. +NOTFRIEND: Well it does when you combine it with, This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life! +RACHEL: Oh, you poor little famous man. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, it's my list. +RACHEL: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice. +NOTFRIEND: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry. +RACHEL: Ross, my father doesn't hate you. +NOTFRIEND: He has sex, and we get hit in our heads. +RACHEL: Y'know what, I want you to leave! +NOTFRIEND: Uhm, what was that? +RACHEL: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange. +NOTFRIEND: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking Oh my god, I'm with Rachel. You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all? +RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all. +NOTFRIEND: See, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden. +RACHEL: No you guys! Come on, you don’t have to do that! I’m happy for him! I really,I’mI’m happy. I’ll work on it. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you’re not gonna be alone in this. +RACHEL: I’m not? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception. +RACHEL: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't-I still can't believe it. +NOTFRIEND: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work. +RACHEL: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, you’re in my seat. +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Where did you get those jeans?! +RACHEL: You gave them to me! +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: You got fired?! +NOTFRIEND: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job? +RACHEL: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. Is this actually a lunchbox? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I know. +RACHEL: And not one of your coupons for an hour of Joey Love. +NOTFRIEND: Chandler, control your woman! +RACHEL: Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast, to Phoebe. She dropped her sock. +NOTFRIEND: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own. +RACHEL: Tell me something Joey. I just fell right off the couch there. +NOTFRIEND: Did you call the cops? +RACHEL: We took her to lunch. +NOTFRIEND: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights. +RACHEL: I work Monday nights. +NOTFRIEND: I'm good. +RACHEL: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law amp Order! +NOTFRIEND: Um, we should really be sitting for this. +RACHEL: Sure we should. +NOTFRIEND: I know! Robin is so gay! +RACHEL: So now what have we agreed? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? I don’t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I’m takin’ it back! +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: What is it sweetie? +RACHEL: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married. +NOTFRIEND: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean. +RACHEL: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. +RACHEL: So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them? +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog! +NOTFRIEND: I'll get it. +RACHEL: Please, let me! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit. +RACHEL: Any luck? +NOTFRIEND: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done! +RACHEL: Oh my God, Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it! +NOTFRIEND: Too far, Amy. Too far. +RACHEL: You take that back. +NOTFRIEND: No, it's not! +RACHEL: When was she born? +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite. +RACHEL: See, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: She spit up. She spi. Look alive, Judy! +NOTFRIEND: FINE BY ME! +RACHEL: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal! +NOTFRIEND: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book. +RACHEL: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, Ross doesn't know anything. +RACHEL: Oh, I can not believe you didn't tell me! +NOTFRIEND: and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far? +RACHEL: What kind of discount do we get? +NOTFRIEND: II’m sorry Rach, I didn’t know. Are you gonna be okay? +RACHEL: Yeah, I’ll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there? +NOTFRIEND: I'm gonna tell Mom. +RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy. +NOTFRIEND: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. Oh I guess that was it. +RACHEL: It’s since you’ve never done it before you can be Monica’s made of honor. +NOTFRIEND: Shut up! +RACHEL: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel? +RACHEL: I'm on a date. +NOTFRIEND: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course! +RACHEL: I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me not important. The point is, I was right. You're decision. I was right. You're decision. +NOTFRIEND: Shall I carve? +RACHEL: By all means. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Which can either mean you’re having a baby or you’re gonna make a scientific discovery! +RACHEL: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! What's up? +RACHEL: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow! +NOTFRIEND: Well, how was the date? +RACHEL: Well I’m alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Oh, I don’t know. Well maybe it’s just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don’t know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. +NOTFRIEND: But why? He loves this this Emily person. No good can come of. +RACHEL: Well II think your wrong. +NOTFRIEND: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process. +RACHEL: I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want. +NOTFRIEND: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. +RACHEL: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans. +NOTFRIEND: I’m asking you to do me a favor. +RACHEL: You are asking me to be your wife! +NOTFRIEND: Alright, I looked all over the building and I couldn t find the kitty anywhere. +RACHEL: Oh I found him. It was Paolo s cat. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, sure. +RACHEL: Okay, in about ten seconds you’re gonna see him kiss me. +NOTFRIEND: And you told Phoebe you were engaged. +RACHEL: I’m sorry, what? +NOTFRIEND: I er. I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus. It keeps the hands young. +RACHEL: Sandy you're hired. +NOTFRIEND: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! +RACHEL: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that, isn’t that weird? +NOTFRIEND: Well, mine was worse than that. +RACHEL: Well, what happened? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I was looking out for you. +RACHEL: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. +NOTFRIEND: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, Dude, don’t you ever wash your face? +RACHEL: All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you were so mad already! +NOTFRIEND: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up. +RACHEL: No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here! +NOTFRIEND: So how's Mindy? +RACHEL: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow. Oh, she sounded really. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, there's something different though-Oh my God! You smoked! +RACHEL: I did not! +NOTFRIEND: Really?! That is so cool! +RACHEL: Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he’s a doctor, but he’s not. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily. +RACHEL: Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, of course. +RACHEL: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room! +NOTFRIEND: I never laughed so hard—Did you see the wine come out of my nose? +RACHEL: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose. +NOTFRIEND: She sure does. Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head? +RACHEL: Well, because if one more person says what a cute little boy I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna! +NOTFRIEND: It s so weird, I have never been fired from anything before! +RACHEL: Sweety. +NOTFRIEND: I—We gotta get Monica. +RACHEL: You gotta hold my hand! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, how was work? +RACHEL: Although I did sit down where there wasn’t a chair. +NOTFRIEND: That guy’s still doing that?! +RACHEL: Oh my God you’re here, let me see your hand! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds. +RACHEL: I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t. +NOTFRIEND: Ahhhh! +RACHEL: Y'know what, I want you to leave! +NOTFRIEND: You and your ice. +RACHEL: Not in there! He’s in there! +NOTFRIEND: That doesn't seem fair. +RACHEL: It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit! +NOTFRIEND: How? +RACHEL: You’re out of toilet paper! +NOTFRIEND: No-o-o! No way! +RACHEL: Come on, please?! I'm boredddd! You let me do it once before. +NOTFRIEND: Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving. +RACHEL: I'll cook! +NOTFRIEND: No, if crazy plate lad. If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right? +RACHEL: Well actually. +NOTFRIEND: I wanted to be one with the waves, y’know? +RACHEL: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn’t too revealing is it? +NOTFRIEND: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour! +RACHEL: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. I could just spread him on a cracker. +NOTFRIEND: Well what is wrong with me? Am I, am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you! +RACHEL: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just, you're more the fun parent. +NOTFRIEND: Steven Rosenhaus Story by: R. Lee Flemming, Jr. Transcribed by: Eric Aasen. +RACHEL: Are you in there? +NOTFRIEND: But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you. +RACHEL: You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?! +RACHEL: I don’t know! I’mI’m kinda thinking it-it was the lobster. +NOTFRIEND: I’m not sick! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies! +RACHEL: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: She's mine! +NOTFRIEND: Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else! +RACHEL: You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff. +NOTFRIEND: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what’s going on with your hair? +RACHEL: Uh, wh-why? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, good luck. +RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay. +NOTFRIEND: Uh Mr. Zelner, I’m the one who filled in that evaluation. +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS. +RACHEL: Ummm, I think it’s time to see the ring again. +NOTFRIEND: Um. I'm a decorator. +RACHEL: You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! Look, there's Chandler. +RACHEL: Who is the blonde, she's pretty. +NOTFRIEND: Goodbye Mr. Heckles. +RACHEL: We'll try to keep it down. +NOTFRIEND: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me. +RACHEL: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is, I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y'know the Wouldn't it be great if she was my wife Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! Wow! You, uh, you look, wow! +RACHEL: And I still have about five seconds to spare. Okay, that was about seven seconds. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it. +RACHEL: No please, show me how I begged you! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God. What happened? +RACHEL: II, got a job at Ralph Lauren. +NOTFRIEND: It's a tarantula! Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage? +RACHEL: I love them! Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool? +NOTFRIEND: I know! I'm Erin Brockovich! +RACHEL: Oh, I am so proud of you! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: …we went back to the house and we got really silly and we…we made out. +NOTFRIEND: OK, here I go, here I go. I'm goin'. +RACHEL: Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's. Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today. +RACHEL: Goody, what is it! +NOTFRIEND: What're you gonna do? +RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! Where's Emma? Who has Emma!? +RACHEL: My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there! +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah. So how did you end up kissing? +RACHEL: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, what time do you get off, we're all gonna do something tonight. +RACHEL: Uhmm, well actually I'm already done, but I, I kinda got plans. +NOTFRIEND: No that’s my assistant. +RACHEL: Is-is he coming? +NOTFRIEND: Oh uh, okay. Yeah. +RACHEL: Y’know, I never thought I’d say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me. +NOTFRIEND: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why don't you, why don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I'll wait for my mom, and then I'll meet you there. +RACHEL: Oh, ah. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Okay ooh, but are you going to have time to read it? +RACHEL: Oh, I read that in high school. +NOTFRIEND: Oh that is so sweet! +RACHEL: I want to hear the rest! +NOTFRIEND: Don't yell at me okay, this is the most I've seen you all week. +RACHEL: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay, I've got a deadline, would you just go home, I'll talk to you later. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. +RACHEL: Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. +NOTFRIEND: It wasn’t on your list, but hopefully you’ll think it’s really fun. +RACHEL: A scooter! +NOTFRIEND: Man, do you know what guys want! +RACHEL: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch. +NOTFRIEND: I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we, we can't do anything. +RACHEL: Well, I've brought some books. We could read. +NOTFRIEND: How can you come here? +RACHEL: How could you not tell me you worked here? +NOTFRIEND: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. +RACHEL: And a crappy New Year. +NOTFRIEND: Really? So this is, this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? +RACHEL: Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! +NOTFRIEND: Yes? +RACHEL: Just so you know. With us, it's never off the table. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right? +RACHEL: Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes. +NOTFRIEND: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show! +RACHEL: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, it's not, it's not. +RACHEL: I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you're, you're, you're making this too hard. +NOTFRIEND: Oh he's like a. +RACHEL: He's like a big disgusting. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, you're on. +RACHEL: Ross, you're scaring me. +NOTFRIEND: You’re not gonna speed anymore right? +RACHEL: I won’t speed. +NOTFRIEND: So, what should you have done? +RACHEL: Well, II should've told you the truth. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so when do you want to go? +RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy. +NOTFRIEND: Bye. +RACHEL: Bye, see ya. +NOTFRIEND: Oh good, you're all up. +RACHEL: It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely. +RACHEL: Well of course that is what I’m here for! +NOTFRIEND: Good. +RACHEL: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone? +NOTFRIEND: Someone I can spoil, y’know? +RACHEL: Sp-spoil? +NOTFRIEND: Why God?! Why?! We had a deal! Let the others grow old! Not me! +RACHEL: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and sophisticated, a lot of this isn’t based on tonight. +RACHEL: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me! +NOTFRIEND: No, never done that either. +RACHEL: Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure? +NOTFRIEND: You don't? +RACHEL: No, III love it there. +NOTFRIEND: You asked him too?! +RACHEL: Hm-mmm. +NOTFRIEND: Right. +RACHEL: I mean I got news for you mister, Emma?  Not easy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. +RACHEL: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, we went shopping! +RACHEL: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible! +NOTFRIEND: What do you need from the car? +RACHEL: Surprise me. +NOTFRIEND: Wo-ish. +RACHEL: Emma, that's right! You're that many! +NOTFRIEND: Rache, here's your mail. +RACHEL: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? +NOTFRIEND: Have you felt Rachel’s cervix Ross? +RACHEL: No, I don’t think we’ll be doing that. +NOTFRIEND: How'd did it go? +RACHEL: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn't shut up. +NOTFRIEND: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life! +RACHEL: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain? +NOTFRIEND: Ah, he didn’t uh, take it so well? +RACHEL: Well better than you, but y’know still not what you want. +NOTFRIEND: I’d better get back to my desk. +RACHEL: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation. +NOTFRIEND: Yep! +RACHEL: In a month? +NOTFRIEND: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?! +RACHEL: Mm-mmm. +NOTFRIEND: White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place. +RACHEL: We’re here! +NOTFRIEND: No they don’t! Well they should put it in huge black letters! +RACHEL: Okay Ross come on let’s just forget about the condoms. +NOTFRIEND: Something else I might have said? +RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. +NOTFRIEND: Six years? Wow. It's almost as long as highschool. +RACHEL: Plus, you know, he is with Charlie now. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! +NOTFRIEND: Great! This baby'd better to be really good. +RACHEL: Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be? +RACHEL: I don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, what good are you. +RACHEL: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace. +NOTFRIEND: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?! +RACHEL: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it! +NOTFRIEND: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms. +RACHEL: You were right, this was just not worth it. +NOTFRIEND: Putting on the sneakers… thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything… +RACHEL: Oh, anything yet? +NOTFRIEND: The hardware store is right down the street. +RACHEL: There is a hardware store right down the street? +NOTFRIEND: Where ya going? +RACHEL: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. +NOTFRIEND: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! We have a guest list! +RACHEL: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse? +NOTFRIEND: Madame, you must have your boarding pass. +RACHEL: If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem. +NOTFRIEND: Now I'm depressed! Even more than I was. +RACHEL: Hey, who's this little naked guy? +NOTFRIEND: What?! What-what-what-what-what?! +RACHEL: Phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl! +NOTFRIEND: Wha, you're uh, you're, you're over me? +RACHEL: Ohh, ohh. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, what have you guys been up to? +NOTFRIEND: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment? +RACHEL: Yeah, you’re on your own. +NOTFRIEND: Gotcha. +RACHEL: Oh, Very funny. +NOTFRIEND: Not to me. +RACHEL: Yeah, fair enough. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, that doesn't sound good. +RACHEL: I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She's almost never right. +NOTFRIEND: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had, you know? +RACHEL: Chandler told me. +NOTFRIEND: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel. +RACHEL: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, III actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra. +NOTFRIEND: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket! +RACHEL: Oh, wait-wait-wait! +NOTFRIEND: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress. +RACHEL: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers. +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay. +RACHEL: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna call Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not quitting. +NOTFRIEND: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have. +RACHEL: I’m sorry that I lied to you before. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore. +NOTFRIEND: Trick or treat! +RACHEL: Gotta go! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: I’ve been thinking about it. I’m really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that. +NOTFRIEND: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats! +RACHEL: You’re bachelor pad?! +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too. +RACHEL: I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. I gotta get out of here. +NOTFRIEND: Rach? What are you doing? +RACHEL: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt! +RACHEL:! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, I will be revenged?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago. +RACHEL: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t care, she slept with me. +RACHEL: Anyway sweetie, I am, I’m so sorry I ruined your night. +NOTFRIEND: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane? +RACHEL: Yeah I know it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime. +NOTFRIEND: Bye. Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking? +RACHEL: He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse. +NOTFRIEND: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight? +RACHEL: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother. +NOTFRIEND: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around? +RACHEL: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long. +NOTFRIEND: I did! I absolutely did! +RACHEL: You idiot! +NOTFRIEND: Congratulations. +RACHEL: Okay Ross, we’re, wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession. +NOTFRIEND: People are doing it in front of my book! +RACHEL: I’m sorry? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, how's it going? +RACHEL: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever! +NOTFRIEND: Yes! Ben learned a little trick. +RACHEL: Did he pull the old… +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah. +RACHEL: There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win. +NOTFRIEND: ooooo. +RACHEL: That had to hurt. +NOTFRIEND: Like a goalie, right? +RACHEL: Look Joey, it’s enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it’s. I’m not it’s just not funny anymore! +NOTFRIEND: I do. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, you're so great. +NOTFRIEND: Us too. +RACHEL: I'm going for a walk. +NOTFRIEND: Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. +RACHEL: OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. +NOTFRIEND: Oh God! +RACHEL: I got. I get a big pay raise! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Mrs. Green! Okay I’m really sorry! I’m apologizing for the— Okay, I bit my tongue, but I’m still really sorry! +RACHEL: I’m ready. +NOTFRIEND: Hey what do you say, we move this onto the likes of the couch? +RACHEL: I say ‘cheesy line’, but ok. +NOTFRIEND: Why?! +RACHEL: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history. +NOTFRIEND: Oh I’m not, I just like to try these on. +RACHEL: I do the same thing. +NOTFRIEND: I know it’s tough now, but things will get better. +RACHEL: What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can’t even be in the same room with each other?! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but you always say that. +RACHEL: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's it? A great idea! Oh yeah. +RACHEL: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a. +NOTFRIEND: It’s like me when I was born. +RACHEL: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will? +NOTFRIEND: I know. My arm is killing me. +RACHEL: No, I meant with the dropper over here. +NOTFRIEND: Woah, hey, yo. +RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day? +NOTFRIEND: Sure. +RACHEL: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, she isn’t home. +RACHEL: So it would just be me alone? +NOTFRIEND: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross’s baby! +RACHEL: Well, II said yes. +NOTFRIEND: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven. +RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. +NOTFRIEND: Ross? +RACHEL: Can we just close the door? +NOTFRIEND: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her. +RACHEL: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen! +NOTFRIEND: Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend! +RACHEL: That is our friend! +NOTFRIEND: How’s your room Rach? +RACHEL: Everything’s ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. +NOTFRIEND: Where’d you grow up, it’s so simple! +RACHEL: And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room. +NOTFRIEND: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait III know this one, I know this one, uh. +RACHEL: Time’s up, now your dead. +NOTFRIEND: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know! +RACHEL: I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye! +RACHEL: Who did that? +NOTFRIEND: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem. +RACHEL: I can't hear it again. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny. +RACHEL: Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? What, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you’re packed. +RACHEL: Of course I packed! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight. +NOTFRIEND: And that's Pete's Mom. +RACHEL: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, Look how much money we’ve got! Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it’ll be dry, but people will like it. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I’ve ever made. +RACHEL: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something? +NOTFRIEND: Yeaah. +RACHEL: Amy, that’s what I was supposed to wear today, that’s why I hung it on the door. +NOTFRIEND: Because it’s my apartment! +RACHEL: Well it’s mine too! What else you got?! +NOTFRIEND: I didn't order lemonade. +RACHEL: Well than, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that. +NOTFRIEND: Wow, you're here already. +RACHEL: Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the presentation. I actually made a few changes, but I think I'm caught up on everything. So ask me anything! +NOTFRIEND: If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy. +RACHEL: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. +NOTFRIEND: She is? +RACHEL: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken? +NOTFRIEND: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie’s at 9 o’clock? +RACHEL: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! +RACHEL: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me! +NOTFRIEND: I know. Hey remember…remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost… +RACHEL: Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would’ve gone through with it? Y’know, if we hadn’t gotten caught. Do you think we would’ve done it? +NOTFRIEND: All right, what's goin' on? +RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, don’t be crazy. You don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? +RACHEL: Well, what’s he like?! +NOTFRIEND: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here! +RACHEL: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun. +NOTFRIEND: I’m a doctor. +RACHEL: II actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend? +NOTFRIEND: Make the transfer! +RACHEL: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it? +NOTFRIEND: Is-is he ok? +RACHEL: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated. +NOTFRIEND: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! +RACHEL: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, I wouldn’t do it in there. That’s my dad’s bedroom. +RACHEL: That’s your, that’s your dad’s bedroom. That’s your dad’s bedroom! +NOTFRIEND: Me too, we should get goin'. +RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: You were gonna propose to me? +NOTFRIEND: Really? You're moving on from Ross? +RACHEL: Do I have to decide right now? +NOTFRIEND: And I'm his friend, Dr. Rosin. +RACHEL: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? +NOTFRIEND: Damnit! +RACHEL: No don’t! Go back to repeating! +NOTFRIEND: Well, what happened? +RACHEL: Oh, well, I. It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but. +NOTFRIEND: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me? +RACHEL: Oh, no, I am not an actress. +NOTFRIEND: Fish! +RACHEL: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates that's the deal. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame. +RACHEL: Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous! +NOTFRIEND: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money. +RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for Smelly Cat. +NOTFRIEND: I silk-screen t-shirts now. +RACHEL: What's that like? +NOTFRIEND: Vince is a fireman. +RACHEL: Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? +NOTFRIEND: Look, II drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay Rach, that's you. That's the couch. +RACHEL: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video. +RACHEL: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she is 18. +NOTFRIEND: Okay I understand. I wouldn’t want to be proved wrong either. +RACHEL: Okay get your coat! When did you unhook this? Nice work! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail. +RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, no. +RACHEL: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I’m looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up! +NOTFRIEND: Gloves? +RACHEL: Right, sorry, I'll be right back! +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. +RACHEL: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week. +NOTFRIEND: I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around. +RACHEL: Uh-oh. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, who's it for? +RACHEL: Dear losers, +NOTFRIEND: Always a great way to get in a man’s pants. +RACHEL: But you will, you will be performing a service. Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out. +NOTFRIEND: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points. Two points. Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long. +RACHEL: Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you have homosexual hair. +RACHEL: So, um, did she. +NOTFRIEND: I don't gossip! +RACHEL: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, my Father’s house does that! +RACHEL: O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything. +NOTFRIEND: By being in a box? +RACHEL: Joey, had reasons. +NOTFRIEND: Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! +RACHEL: Hello, Chip. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad. +RACHEL: Ross, I am a human doodle! +NOTFRIEND: But you come first! +RACHEL: I'm there! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Y’know? +NOTFRIEND: But now! I'm there! I'm totally there! I'mI'm finally where you are! +RACHEL: Oh, thank goodness! +NOTFRIEND: And to love. Ah, love. LOVE, love. L is for life. And what is life without love? +RACHEL: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, it’s, it’s ah, it’s not that we don’t want to, really. Are we talking models in their underwear? +RACHEL: And heels. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, that’s funny. But maybe it’s time to move on, let it go, y’know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth’s father, so ah, he’s much older than she is. Looks like I’m not the only one interested in fossils, huh? +RACHEL: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! +RACHEL: She forced me! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a '40s newspaper guy, you know? Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I'm gonna blow this story wide open! +RACHEL: Wow, so beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: M! +RACHEL: Gimme an ‘I!’ +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Yeah? +RACHEL: And I mean, the connection, I mean y’know, emotionally, mentally, physically. +NOTFRIEND: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton. +RACHEL: Well, screw charity work. What've you got? +NOTFRIEND: Sure! +RACHEL: Thank you for coming with me today. +NOTFRIEND: You started that?! +RACHEL:! You heard that?! +NOTFRIEND: I love you. +RACHEL: And y'know what, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I’m gonna stop by around 8:30. +NOTFRIEND: Original or crappy? +RACHEL: Original. +NOTFRIEND: Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend. +RACHEL: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday! +NOTFRIEND: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that. +RACHEL: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no. They're really yours. We, found them in your old room. +RACHEL: Well, these aren't mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with. +NOTFRIEND: Hello. Well, Joshua, that 500 was for groceries. +RACHEL: This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not, that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so. And obviously in uh, in-in this case, I am going to report back, USA not ready. +NOTFRIEND: Ass and face. +RACHEL: I thought she was on Atkins. +NOTFRIEND: That’s a good question, dad. That’s a good question. +RACHEL: Hmmm…. +NOTFRIEND: You wanna fool around with Joey? +RACHEL: You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job. +RACHEL: She may need one. We're just going to have to make our peace with that! Monica and Chandler's apartment. +NOTFRIEND: Do you mind if I sit here for a sec? +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah sure! +NOTFRIEND: and that’s the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life’s triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago. +RACHEL: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story. +NOTFRIEND: Where do you want to start? +RACHEL: Ooh, the gift shop! +NOTFRIEND: Here she is! +RACHEL: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. Oh, she’s looking at me. I know you. +NOTFRIEND: Hello. +RACHEL: I need to talk to you! +NOTFRIEND: You were right. He is funny. +RACHEL: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your band? +NOTFRIEND: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves. +RACHEL: So where’d you grow up? +NOTFRIEND: Wait a minute! No! I’m the nice one! I’m the one who danced with the kids all night! How…How small are your feet?! +RACHEL: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. DoMeALittle! +NOTFRIEND: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. +RACHEL: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you! +NOTFRIEND: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love. +RACHEL: I mean come on! This is a huge deal! Fine I want. I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss? +NOTFRIEND: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money! +RACHEL: All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, just this woman I’ve been seeing. +RACHEL: You’ve being seeing someone? +NOTFRIEND: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that? +RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames. +NOTFRIEND: Hello, baby. Hello, hello. +RACHEL: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing. +RACHEL: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? Bring her both, and I’ll have the same. +RACHEL: This is shaping up to be a pretty good date—Oh, I almost forgot. I didn’t pay you the rent check. +NOTFRIEND: Fine! Fine! Y’know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You’re the mommy. +RACHEL: Oh uh-uh pal! Don’t call me mommy! It’s bad enough you call your own mother that. +NOTFRIEND: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff. +RACHEL: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I’m just gonna throw it out, it’s probably just a bunch of shampoo and. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! No, II think I just had a contraction. +RACHEL: You what? +NOTFRIEND: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back come here, Marcel. +RACHEL: Oh no, not in my room! +NOTFRIEND: Mm-hmm. She’s—she’s emotional, but, but ballsy. +RACHEL: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! +NOTFRIEND: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose. +RACHEL: Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog. +NOTFRIEND: and. +RACHEL: Phoebe’s. +NOTFRIEND: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail. +RACHEL: Oh, y'know, would you just for once, not remember every, little, thing! +NOTFRIEND: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon? +RACHEL: You're so pretty. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism. +RACHEL: Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news. +NOTFRIEND: That won't go with this dress though. +RACHEL: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. +RACHEL: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! Will all the stars be there? +NOTFRIEND: Hormones. +RACHEL: Hormones, yeah. +NOTFRIEND: You must be Hilda. +RACHEL: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. +NOTFRIEND: C'mon, this is us. +RACHEL: This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and, other poultry. +RACHEL: Ok, who is this? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with? +RACHEL: No, that's David. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! How are the Gellers? +RACHEL: Don’t call us that! +NOTFRIEND: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died! +RACHEL: Well obviously I won’t be able to come, for those of you who haven’t checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y’know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you’ve been during this time. I really couldn’t have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant. +NOTFRIEND: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you. +RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing. +NOTFRIEND: Is that Mark? +RACHEL: Umm, honey, look he just came over to. +NOTFRIEND: Whose is it? +RACHEL: I don’t want to say. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, tell him about RelaxiTaxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than Relaxi Cab. +RACHEL: Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, how'd the interview go? +RACHEL: It's not good. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, how did this even happen? +RACHEL: Well I’ll tell ya! See uh my-my boss and his wife—They-they can’t have children. So umm, and that—we were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, Rachel, I want to buy your baby. +NOTFRIEND: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant. +RACHEL: Yes, I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I’ve ever done. But I’m telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. +NOTFRIEND: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist! +RACHEL: Pheebs, I was wondering. +NOTFRIEND: Because this one is now! And-and it’s two of our best friends! Who knows what you’re gonna marry! +RACHEL: What-what if I marry Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Shake it! +RACHEL: Shake that nasty butt. +NOTFRIEND: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. +RACHEL: I could not have done this without you. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know, II—you’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay? +RACHEL: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one! +NOTFRIEND: That-that’s always good news. Are you okay? +RACHEL: I’m great! I’m fine! I’m sooo good! But, you know who’s not great?! Men! You’re a man right Ross?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding: do you need one? +NOTFRIEND: Wow! +RACHEL: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right? +NOTFRIEND: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with. +RACHEL: You are giving this a lot of thought. +NOTFRIEND: That's so gross! +RACHEL: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up. +NOTFRIEND: Your make-up! +RACHEL: Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is? +RACHEL: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything.ahh. +RACHEL: Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, II don’t think I’ll be calling you because umm, y’know you’ve gotten weird. Take care you guys. +RACHEL:! No wait a minute! Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I’m not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don’t remember that, maybe you will remember this! +NOTFRIEND: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not. +RACHEL: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him. +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna be an uncle! Come here! +RACHEL: You’re all gonna be aunts and uncles. +NOTFRIEND: They know you know. +RACHEL: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! +NOTFRIEND: Put all my money in me. +RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market. +NOTFRIEND: Oh Rachel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It’s just that, when those gates open, you. Hard to close ‘em. But they are closed now. Believe me. +RACHEL: I’m so glad, I’m so glad you shared. And I’m glad that you’re done. What do you say we umm. +NOTFRIEND: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight? +RACHEL: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl. +NOTFRIEND: I knew it! +RACHEL: I don't care, I'm not going anywhere. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, okay. +RACHEL: I think you should go. +NOTFRIEND: No, but it'd be nice if you realised, it's just a job! +RACHEL: Just a job! +NOTFRIEND: Sophie sit! +RACHEL: God, would you just calm down! +NOTFRIEND: You know, I'm always right about these things. +RACHEL: Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you! +NOTFRIEND: Take the bra off. +RACHEL: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat. +NOTFRIEND: Oh believe me, III've been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus. +RACHEL: Oh well then, so I'm just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger. +NOTFRIEND: What do you mean? +RACHEL: You seem to really like her. +NOTFRIEND: I couldn't. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn't want him to get mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on Chandler. +RACHEL: Alright, fine. You know what Joey, forget it. When we go back to New York, I will tell him. +NOTFRIEND: Dating profile? III'm talking about the work resumé. +RACHEL: Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? +NOTFRIEND: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me. +RACHEL: Was that the cake? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah. You, er, you want some? +RACHEL: Oh, I would love some, but you know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark? +NOTFRIEND: I do not know what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before and that's been great! But this time it was leading somewhere and I was very aware of the fact that it was Joey touching me. +RACHEL: Ok, that's true. That's true, we can do this. You're right, you're right, we can do this. We're just gonna power through! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t believe this! +RACHEL: Oh now daddy, stay calm. +NOTFRIEND: I dunno. +RACHEL: You DON'T KNOW? +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Cup? +RACHEL: Um, there was a Geller Cup? +NOTFRIEND: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. +RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid. +NOTFRIEND: Are you okay with this? +RACHEL: Yeah please, you guys have fun. +NOTFRIEND: Are these the shoes? +RACHEL: Paolo sent them from Italy. +NOTFRIEND: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! +RACHEL: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something? +NOTFRIEND: He has brown hair. +RACHEL: Of course, of course. +NOTFRIEND: Are you okay? +RACHEL: Uh-hmm. I’m just thinking about Phoebe poor knocked up Phoebe. +NOTFRIEND: No we're not. +RACHEL: All right, I like that. +NOTFRIEND: Seriously? +RACHEL: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! And it was uneven for weeks! +NOTFRIEND: Fine. +RACHEL: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. +NOTFRIEND: And I do have one seat left. +RACHEL: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though. I'll take the dog though. +RACHEL: Here are your cakes. +NOTFRIEND: That's it? That's all you wrote? You are the worst writer in the whole world. +RACHEL: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it. +NOTFRIEND: No I won’t. +RACHEL: You don’t even know! +NOTFRIEND: Mmh, this cake is amazing! +RACHEL: My God, get a room! +NOTFRIEND: II wanted to apologise if I, y'know seemed a tad edgy. +RACHEL: No we. +NOTFRIEND: That true, I am flaky. +RACHEL: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! How’d it go? +RACHEL: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my god good? +RACHEL: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth. +NOTFRIEND: See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t lie! +RACHEL: All right that’s it! I am maid of honor! +NOTFRIEND: Ooh ooh, we have a live one! +RACHEL: Oh, it's a Macy's bag! +NOTFRIEND: Oooooo. +RACHEL: Ooo, what? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! It could be better, but it's gonna be okay, right? +RACHEL: Of course, I mean, she's gonna get over this, y'know? I mean, so you said my name! Y'know you just said it 'cause you saw me there, if you'd have seen a circus freak, you would've said, I take thee circus freak. Y'know, it didn't mean anything, it's just a mistake. It didn't mean anything. +NOTFRIEND: Wow, you told your dad the truth. +RACHEL: About an hour ago. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well. I think I know how to dazzle him. +RACHEL: Oh, you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya? +NOTFRIEND: People ask me why we’re not together, I just don’t know what to tell them. +RACHEL: Let’s go! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, calm down! +RACHEL: I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. +NOTFRIEND: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one’s not really our fault. +RACHEL: Monica, how come you never told me this?! +NOTFRIEND: No! I went with Mindy. +RACHEL: My maid of honour, Mindy?! +NOTFRIEND: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come? +RACHEL: But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, yeah. +RACHEL: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, does this have nonfat milk? +RACHEL: Ehhumm, I don't know, why don't you taste it. +NOTFRIEND: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily. +RACHEL: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no RossRoss, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that? +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry! +RACHEL: respect for anybody's privacy. +NOTFRIEND: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever! +RACHEL: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls? +NOTFRIEND: Right! +RACHEL: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely.! Yeah, but you know, this is, it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me. +RACHEL: You know, he was just doing his job. +NOTFRIEND: You can’t leave a baby alone! +RACHEL: Oh come——Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would—she wouldn’t be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear. +RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see. +NOTFRIEND: Alright, have a good time. +RACHEL: Not gonna find any clothes in there! +NOTFRIEND: That sounds fair. +RACHEL: I don’t think you’re going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If it’s a girl, Rain. +NOTFRIEND: I got it at Pottery Barn! Okay?! +RACHEL: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique! +NOTFRIEND: You ah, wanted to see me? +RACHEL: Ahh, here’s a box of your stuff. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, from the top, people! +RACHEL: Sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended. They told me that if I didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me. +NOTFRIEND: Where are you going? The vicar won’t be home for hours. +RACHEL: Joey, where did you learn that word? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke. +RACHEL: You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken? +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: What’s the matter? +NOTFRIEND: Here she is! Future fashion superstar! +RACHEL: Oh Joey, I’m hardly a. +NOTFRIEND: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he’s obviously depressed. He's away from his family he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs right now is for you to be his friend. +RACHEL: Okay, that's what I'm gonna do. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass. +NOTFRIEND: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help? +RACHEL: I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel?! +RACHEL: Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on, you know it’s a girl! +RACHEL: A what?! +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, +RACHEL: Uh which one of us are you talking to there, Barr? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Umm… +NOTFRIEND: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? +RACHEL: I'm sorry, let her? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my. +RACHEL: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire! +NOTFRIEND: Wait, y'know what, II came to you because I thought you’d understand! Oh no! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go. +RACHEL: The millionaire’s here! +NOTFRIEND: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said? +RACHEL: Well, yeah, maybe. +NOTFRIEND: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. Hello sweet pants! +RACHEL: What are you gonna tell Joanna? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit. +NOTFRIEND: IIII did? +RACHEL: Ohh, I’ve been waitin’ so long to get on that body! +NOTFRIEND: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the. wait a sec! This is our exact living room! +RACHEL: No it’s not! No it’s not! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don’t have the. We don’t have the that lamp! And-and that screen is y’know, on the other side. +NOTFRIEND: Ya, you know, Rachel, she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her. +RACHEL: What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover. +NOTFRIEND: So he's probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move. +RACHEL: Yeah but, I've never asked a guy out before. +NOTFRIEND: NOOOOOOOOO! +RACHEL: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! +NOTFRIEND: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk. +RACHEL: I'm gonna get back to retraining. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone. +RACHEL: No, no, it's just that it's getting late. +NOTFRIEND: How do you know she's gonna start talking? +RACHEL: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying. +NOTFRIEND: What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around! +RACHEL: I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around. +NOTFRIEND: Hiya. +RACHEL: Joey, is what she just said umm. You were actually gonna. +NOTFRIEND: Oh-no-no-no-no…. +RACHEL: Just one drink?! +NOTFRIEND: What's the matter? +RACHEL: Oh, it's just. Oh, Barry, this was not good. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami. +RACHEL: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya. +NOTFRIEND: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass? +RACHEL: All right, so we weren’t prepared! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Yeah, that's true. +RACHEL: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time? +NOTFRIEND: I thought it was 98.50. +RACHEL: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, well here we are. Now we’re in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? Look, I, I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I’m sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much. +RACHEL: Don’t! You can’t just kiss me and think you’re gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t just make it better. +NOTFRIEND: Well, he had gravity boots. +RACHEL: Yeah, he broke those too. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah…we kinda didn’t use any. +RACHEL: Oh, come on kids! A little help here! +NOTFRIEND: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that! +RACHEL: No, I'm saying. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you're kidding. +RACHEL: Yeah, they were very y'know wrestley. But, I guess that's normal? +NOTFRIEND: Good weird? +RACHEL: Wonderful weird. +NOTFRIEND: Who’s out there? +RACHEL: It’s me! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel. I heard you guys whispering. +RACHEL: You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain. +NOTFRIEND: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor’s appointment go? +RACHEL: Well, let’s see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple. +NOTFRIEND: Oh umm, actually I umm. +RACHEL: Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there. +NOTFRIEND: So, you wore your nightie to dinner? +RACHEL: And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out. +NOTFRIEND: He didn't get the goggles! +RACHEL: Well,sounds like you two have issues. +NOTFRIEND: Let’s get the show on it! +RACHEL: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee. +NOTFRIEND: Stop it. +RACHEL: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We know what’s gonna work! It’s doctor recommended! +NOTFRIEND: Yes it's true. +RACHEL: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day? +NOTFRIEND: Alex Trebek? +RACHEL: Oh, of course! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, it’s going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here. +RACHEL: But I. +NOTFRIEND: Ready? Wrestle! +RACHEL: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. +NOTFRIEND: Here we go! Here we go! +RACHEL: Oh, we’re leaving. +NOTFRIEND: Look uh, if we’re gonna do this. +RACHEL: We’re not gonna do this, all right? She’s just gonna think that we’re doin’ it. +NOTFRIEND: That is damning evidence. +RACHEL: I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh Hello? Or should I be Hi! It’s Rach. Would you stop doing that?! +NOTFRIEND: So beautiful. +RACHEL: Oh, I know, isn't she? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, tour guide at the Museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me. +RACHEL: Don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something? +NOTFRIEND: I don't feel like talkin. +RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you. +NOTFRIEND: Why do you care? +RACHEL: Because they're people. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th. +RACHEL: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause. +NOTFRIEND: My God! What did you order?! +RACHEL: Wait, but there’s no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no problem. +RACHEL: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and, it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again. +NOTFRIEND: Nooo! +RACHEL: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof. +NOTFRIEND: So ah, what’s wrong with him? +RACHEL: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore. +NOTFRIEND: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date? +RACHEL: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up. +NOTFRIEND: Good morning! +RACHEL: But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy. I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished. +NOTFRIEND: That’s awesome! That’s great! What made you do it?! +RACHEL: Well, it’s a long story, but umm I broke Joey’s chair. +NOTFRIEND: Great! Thanks, Rach! +RACHEL: God, please take those off! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, yeah. +RACHEL: JoJoey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship. +NOTFRIEND: Because it’s my apartment! +RACHEL: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone. +NOTFRIEND: You'd already broken up. +RACHEL: How long? +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry, I was an idiot. +RACHEL: A big idiot. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Aha! +NOTFRIEND: Hmmm. Me too. +RACHEL: I wonder how Monica and Chandler could do it? +NOTFRIEND: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated. +RACHEL: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant? +NOTFRIEND: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before? +RACHEL: From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus. +RACHEL: That was kind of rude! +NOTFRIEND: L! +RACHEL: Gimme a ‘Y!’ +NOTFRIEND: How'd you pay for them? +RACHEL: Uh, credit card. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now. +RACHEL: Well, um. You've got plugs! +NOTFRIEND: Hm? +RACHEL: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out! +NOTFRIEND: Umm-hmm. +RACHEL: Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective. +NOTFRIEND: Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can't sleep without it. +RACHEL: Oh, well, she's asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her. +NOTFRIEND: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago. +RACHEL: And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, you’re gonna come though aren’t you? +RACHEL: Oh, honey, I don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: Beth, Beth dies? +RACHEL: Um-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: I'll be right back. +RACHEL: Oh, Joey, look who it is. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'. +NOTFRIEND: Don’t answer that. +RACHEL: You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it! +NOTFRIEND: Hi, hi. So. Dreading this? +RACHEL: Oh, you bet. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: What is the emergency?! +NOTFRIEND: So you uh, have a…big work problem? +RACHEL: Yeah it’s umm… Yeah it’s uh… It-it’s y’know—It’s nothing. +NOTFRIEND: Tell me about it! +RACHEL: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit! +NOTFRIEND: How’d you get over that teacher? +RACHEL: I didn’t. I got under him. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, Rach. +RACHEL: What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me! You wanna go?! +RACHEL: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks! +RACHEL: I don't really care about the Knicks. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Oh I don’tI don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks a million. +RACHEL: Oh, you're welcome a million. +NOTFRIEND: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them. +RACHEL: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. +NOTFRIEND: She, she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth. +RACHEL: I always loved that! +NOTFRIEND: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can’t. Okay? Ever! +RACHEL: I’m so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Not in my head. +RACHEL: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there. +RACHEL: We just went over this! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me! +RACHEL: ‘Cos I was gonna say there’s no way you could’ve done the end the way you guys did it back then! +NOTFRIEND: I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me! +RACHEL: Yeah, I'm not talking about her. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what's this? +RACHEL: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and a bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave. +RACHEL: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either. +NOTFRIEND: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you? +RACHEL: He should not get back together with her. You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, London 1. +RACHEL: Look what happened! Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen, naked! I'm picking up an orange. I'm naked! Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. +NOTFRIEND: Gotcha. +RACHEL: Hi Daddy! +NOTFRIEND: but, but. +RACHEL: just, don't talk. +NOTFRIEND: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth! +RACHEL: Well, what is the truth? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I hope you’re gonna bid on some things Rachel. +RACHEL: Well, y’know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris. +NOTFRIEND: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you! +RACHEL: C’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch this alone! +NOTFRIEND: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler? +RACHEL: Oh, good point. +NOTFRIEND: I can hear traffic and birds!  I can hear the voices in my head again! I’m kidding. +RACHEL: You got her to stop crying! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. There is no Route 27. Okay, either 93 or 76? +RACHEL: I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I have a wedgie. +RACHEL: Okay, that is all you. +NOTFRIEND: Nooo! +RACHEL: Got a second? +NOTFRIEND: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment? +RACHEL: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out. +NOTFRIEND: That's right, cos I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment! +RACHEL: Thanks for coming! +NOTFRIEND: Five. +RACHEL: Paolo's catching an earlier flight. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery! +RACHEL: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! +NOTFRIEND: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt? +RACHEL: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him! +NOTFRIEND: I am. I'm that stupid. +RACHEL: And I'm just gonna pay for this with a check. +NOTFRIEND: Look at this. +RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re clicking. +RACHEL: Yeah-yeah, y’know if-if there was just like one little area where I, that I think we need, we would need to work on II would think it was we’re just not crazy enough! +NOTFRIEND: Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson? +RACHEL: She doesn't die. +NOTFRIEND: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something, repellant, about me? +RACHEL: So, how was the party. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Thirsty huh? +NOTFRIEND: Alright, great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class. +RACHEL: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card? +NOTFRIEND: Well, he stabbed me first! +RACHEL: Sorry I'm late, but I left late. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, wait, I can cancel. +RACHEL: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! +NOTFRIEND: Come on Rach, let’s give it another try. +RACHEL: I’m having a baby. +NOTFRIEND: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable? +RACHEL: If I said I was, would you judge me? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Oh my God, you drew on me?! +NOTFRIEND: No! No! No! No-no-no-no. +RACHEL: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes! +NOTFRIEND: Yes! Yes! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn’t. And that’s what this ring stands for. +RACHEL: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice’s undying love for her brother. +NOTFRIEND: I pick you, Phoebe. +RACHEL: Definitely you, Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross! +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: I uh… I don’t know. I mean I…I honestly didn’t watch it. +RACHEL: Yeah, me neither. Yet… +NOTFRIEND: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview? +RACHEL: Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie. +RACHEL: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm doing is running back and forth from the huddle. +NOTFRIEND: For what? +RACHEL: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower. +NOTFRIEND: I mean no, it’s just ‘cause, it’s just ’cause you and I were like a nightmare. No, but there was some good times. +RACHEL: No, absolutely. Y’know like it was umm. +NOTFRIEND: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay. +RACHEL: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen? +NOTFRIEND: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I sayI say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here! +RACHEL: I’m sorry about this. +NOTFRIEND: Because it s Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone! +RACHEL: My hero! +NOTFRIEND: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so…. +RACHEL: They made you head of the department! +NOTFRIEND: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella. +RACHEL: Wha, the next one? +NOTFRIEND: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF! +RACHEL: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. +NOTFRIEND: Whom. That’s right. +RACHEL: You know you kissed me first. +NOTFRIEND: I used to wet my bed. +RACHEL: I use my breasts to get other people's attention. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field amp Stream. I read that. +NOTFRIEND: Just go get some! Go! +RACHEL: Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here! +NOTFRIEND: Mmmm! It’s good! +RACHEL: How good? +NOTFRIEND: They’re not listening too me? +RACHEL: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room. +NOTFRIEND: Me too. Come here. +RACHEL: I just don't want to be alone tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Also large? +RACHEL: Okay, two larges coming right up! +NOTFRIEND: And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her. +RACHEL: I know it's been really hard for you. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you've got a boyfriend! +RACHEL: But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem II tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really. +RACHEL: Yeah it is, it is. We really, really have to do something about that. +NOTFRIEND: Before! +RACHEL: Now, does it really matter? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, what were the other two? +RACHEL: The first one is: I don't want to. And, you know, I'm not going. +NOTFRIEND: No. Rosita does not move. +RACHEL: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in. +NOTFRIEND: Who? Is that your sister? +RACHEL: Ugh, she is a slut! +NOTFRIEND: Here we go! +RACHEL: Ok, careful, ok. Oh, she’s smiling! Oh my God, she does like it! +NOTFRIEND: Whe-where did he put it?! +RACHEL: Ross, you had sex with another woman! +NOTFRIEND: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? +RACHEL: I, I don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: Well hello! I'm Ross! +RACHEL: Good luck to ya! +NOTFRIEND: They couldn't be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me. +RACHEL: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh? +NOTFRIEND: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did and pee-ed all over the crossword. +RACHEL: I've never done that. +NOTFRIEND: Oh that's not true. +RACHEL: It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London. +NOTFRIEND: Jody. +RACHEL: You were with Julie? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Rachel, actually, y'know what, forget it. +RACHEL: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too? +NOTFRIEND: I don't think that's what this is. +RACHEL: Can any of you watch Emma? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys? +RACHEL: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants? +NOTFRIEND: Who do you wanna fool around with? +RACHEL: Nobody, forget it! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag. +RACHEL: How many guesses do you get? +NOTFRIEND: And what. What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don’t get the annulment. Don’t type that! What?! Stop typing! Hey! Stop typing! Stop typing! Stop typing! +RACHEL: Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?! +NOTFRIEND: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam. +RACHEL: Oh, that’s very—Really very-very okay. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, is there a problem? +RACHEL: Every thing's-they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too. +RACHEL: Okay, good night! +NOTFRIEND: We didn't order cake. +RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other. +NOTFRIEND: I'm not funny either. So, if you were thinking, well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs. That ain't gonna happen. +RACHEL: Well, come on, Steve let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive. +NOTFRIEND: I, I, I can't, I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment. +RACHEL: I know, I know, I'm sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this. +RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! +RACHEL: We’ll be right back sir. +NOTFRIEND: Be-caaauuuse. +RACHEL: All right, well, if you must know. I had a traumatic, swing incident, when I was little. +NOTFRIEND: Eh. +RACHEL: Oh, you got me. +NOTFRIEND: How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding! +RACHEL: Ohh, you guys are so made for each other. +NOTFRIEND: Well. I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there. +RACHEL: And you were at this job for four years? +NOTFRIEND: 500 bucks at a flea market?! +RACHEL: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Okay. If uh, if you’re gonna do this, then I’m gonna do that. So. +RACHEL: I’m sorry, one more thing! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! Never done this before. +RACHEL: Yeah well it looks great! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous! +RACHEL: I mean I’m probably 98 happy, maybe 2 jealous. And I mean what’s 2? That’s nothing. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: So can we keep this between us? +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other. +RACHEL: Why did you invite my mother?! +NOTFRIEND: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving. +RACHEL: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive. +NOTFRIEND: Come where? +RACHEL: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones. +NOTFRIEND: The pink one with the flowers?! +RACHEL: You mean the one that you’re wearing? +NOTFRIEND: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me. +RACHEL: Ok, great! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him. +RACHEL: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him! +NOTFRIEND: All those things I said about not being ready. +RACHEL: They’re not true? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed! +RACHEL: So, how was your date? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God. +RACHEL: There it is, I see it. +NOTFRIEND: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right? +RACHEL: Hell yes! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, can we just sign please? +RACHEL: Uh-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: But still, it’s a big change. The end of an era, you might say! +RACHEL: You’re not blinking. +NOTFRIEND: I, I don't know. +RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine. +NOTFRIEND: Who, who are they? +RACHEL: I know them from work. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. +RACHEL: Did Joey say what he was gonna do when he left? +NOTFRIEND: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. +RACHEL: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off! +NOTFRIEND: What is it? +RACHEL: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for inspiration. Oh my god, it's Barry and Mindy! +NOTFRIEND: Oh sure, yeah, why not? +RACHEL: Okay, that’s him! That’s him! That’s Cujo! That’s Cujo! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, did you check the machine? +RACHEL: Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. And how was the date? +RACHEL: Uhmm, I think there was a restraunt, I know there was wine. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? +RACHEL: You didn’t break up with that fireman? +NOTFRIEND: It’s not like, I haven’t any opportunities. I mean, y’know, I’m just waiting for the perfect guy. I’m seeing this guy Roger, all right? He’s not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y’know, give him my flower. +RACHEL: Honey, you’ve waited long enough! +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it. +NOTFRIEND: Gotcha! +RACHEL: I found him! Very funny, come here! That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what's wrong? +RACHEL: I just had a rough night. +NOTFRIEND: Gimme ‘em! +RACHEL: They are mine! +NOTFRIEND: But. +RACHEL: Oh, I love that but. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married. +NOTFRIEND: Can we please turn this off? +RACHEL: Noo way, Kevin. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this. +RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel Mommy when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not. +RACHEL: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word. +NOTFRIEND: Of course I’m jokin’! I don’t take checks. +RACHEL: Thank God you’re pretty. +NOTFRIEND: Don’t do that. +RACHEL: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks. +NOTFRIEND: Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy. +RACHEL: Even when we were having sex in that chair? +NOTFRIEND: I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay? +RACHEL: Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want! +NOTFRIEND: You completely stole my answer! +RACHEL: Well, honey that was pretty obvious. +NOTFRIEND: That's insurance fraud. +RACHEL: Well, all right, then, forget it. Might as well just go home. +NOTFRIEND: They're nice guys. +RACHEL: Oh, they're firemen guys. +NOTFRIEND: Yes I do! And we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out. +RACHEL: I’ll go with ya! I’ll go! I’ll go with ya. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it is the best. +RACHEL: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson? +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too. +RACHEL: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know uhh. Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes. +RACHEL: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you? +NOTFRIEND: The name was my favourite part! +RACHEL: Well, well I came up with it! +NOTFRIEND: Ahhh! I heard I do, we’re halfway there! Okay! You! +RACHEL: That is enough! Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it’s not legal. They-they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe! +NOTFRIEND: I am. +RACHEL: You’re a terrific actor. +NOTFRIEND: Would you just open it? +RACHEL: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great. +NOTFRIEND: Neither will I. +RACHEL: Alright, now I really have to go. Au revoir! Oh, they're gonna really hate me over there. +NOTFRIEND: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate. +RACHEL: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding! +RACHEL: No you guys… +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and, and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me! +RACHEL: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow! +NOTFRIEND: Come on, finish your enchilada. +RACHEL: Ross I—We tried all the spicy food. It’s not working. +NOTFRIEND: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you? +RACHEL: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, it is, at Office Max. +RACHEL: What did you get her? +NOTFRIEND: Don’t you realise none of this would’ve ever happened if I didn’t think at that same moment you weren’t having sex with Mark? +RACHEL: Let’s say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division. +RACHEL: Your company has a fine foods division? +NOTFRIEND: It's Danny. +RACHEL: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala. +NOTFRIEND: You can see where he'd have trouble. +RACHEL: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. +NOTFRIEND: Um, maybe 15, 16 years. +RACHEL: That's just great. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?! +NOTFRIEND: You must be a little uncomfortable. +RACHEL: Eh, just a tad. +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani. Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked my letter. No my mommy and daddy aren't home right now. Okay, bye bye. She was nice! +RACHEL: Joey, get Amy's bags, she is moving out! +NOTFRIEND: For what? For letting you throw me out of your office? +RACHEL: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger! +NOTFRIEND: Then, can I have your number? +RACHEL: I'm sorry, no. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh Ohh, looks like I was the second to last. +RACHEL: Erm, so nice. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! +RACHEL: Oh, make it stop! +NOTFRIEND: Huh. Huh. +RACHEL: All right, now don’t judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. I’m ripping into this swan. +NOTFRIEND: You keep this up honey, and I swear, you'll be finished with this sucker by the end of the week. +RACHEL: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis, now she used to be a man. Oh look see, now there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. An. M. Are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to p. Did you poo in the shoe? Bad, bad. A little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that! +NOTFRIEND: Well, the lighting was okay. +RACHEL: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine! +NOTFRIEND: Well, you owe me one, big guy. +RACHEL: Here's your lemonade. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so. +RACHEL: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I guess so. +RACHEL: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh? +NOTFRIEND: Do-do you, do you have brothers? +RACHEL: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy. +NOTFRIEND: You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you. +RACHEL: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! What’s going on? +RACHEL: Phoebe is gonna be Monica’s maid of honor! +NOTFRIEND: Oh II remember you. +RACHEL:! Aren’t you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis’ graduation party? +NOTFRIEND: You don’t think this is too fast. +RACHEL: You gave her a key to your apartment?! +NOTFRIEND: You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job! +RACHEL: Ohh, that is soo sad. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I feel. +NOTFRIEND: How's my little boy? +RACHEL: He's perfect, he's never been better. +NOTFRIEND: So. +RACHEL: I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? +NOTFRIEND: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die! +RACHEL: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven’t felt my feet in years! +NOTFRIEND: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him! +RACHEL: Then, you will definitely get him back! +NOTFRIEND: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate. +RACHEL:! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right? +RACHEL: Oh no, I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife. +NOTFRIEND: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, I behalfin’ it! +RACHEL: Joey, you have got to take this back! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it'd be really good. +NOTFRIEND: Here, here! +RACHEL: You can't move. You just, you just can't. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry, is there something going on here? +RACHEL: Do you feel it too? +NOTFRIEND: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know! +RACHEL: You don't have any secrets! +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! +NOTFRIEND: Is that a sandwich?! +RACHEL: Joey…there’s something that you…should know. +NOTFRIEND: Oh come on! Morning’s here! Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here! +RACHEL: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it's in the guys' apartment under the sink. Why? +RACHEL: Because I'm going to London. +NOTFRIEND: Well, if you want, I'll just I'll just break it off. +RACHEL: I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, c'mon, Emma is fine. You're turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop. +RACHEL: You guys ever heard the story about when Ross's mom went to the beauty salon? +NOTFRIEND: For how long? +RACHEL: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing. +NOTFRIEND: Huh! Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me. +RACHEL: Well, now, see, you never ever ever told us that. +NOTFRIEND: Thousands of times! That doesn't make me sound too good does it? +RACHEL: I don't even know how I would go about it. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work. +RACHEL: It’s not random, it’s Bob. +NOTFRIEND: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it. +RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it. +NOTFRIEND: Yes! Oh! +RACHEL: Hypothetically! +NOTFRIEND: D'ya, uh, d'ya need any help? +RACHEL: Uh, okay, sure! +NOTFRIEND: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it. +RACHEL: Well, who wouldn’t?! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I locked him years ago! +RACHEL: If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey. +NOTFRIEND: No, I can handle it. No, I m a professional. +RACHEL: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet? +NOTFRIEND: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? ‘Cause I think I read it! +RACHEL: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls? +NOTFRIEND: Good! +RACHEL: Pick one. +NOTFRIEND: I make the decisions, and I say no. +RACHEL: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired. +NOTFRIEND: Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day? +RACHEL:! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?! +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously. +RACHEL: I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun! +NOTFRIEND: Why not? +RACHEL: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them. +RACHEL: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing. +NOTFRIEND: Wh-wh-what are you doing? +RACHEL: We are looking at a Playboy. +NOTFRIEND: Hello? +RACHEL: What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?! +NOTFRIEND: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. +RACHEL: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet. +NOTFRIEND: No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them. +RACHEL: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: I mean, I'll fly back and forth, they'll fly you out. Anything we want. +NOTFRIEND: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in. I’ve been watching too much porn. +RACHEL: Is that the heartbeat? +NOTFRIEND: Let it be me! Let it be me! +RACHEL: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. +NOTFRIEND: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week? +RACHEL: Oh, that’s what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me? +NOTFRIEND: And yet, here we are doing it again. +RACHEL: Ugh, Monica I don’t want to steal your stupid thunder! +NOTFRIEND: On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? See ya Friday. +RACHEL: Don’t answer me. I have a date with Danny. +NOTFRIEND: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in. +RACHEL: Did you talk to him? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, okay, you’re not a pushover. +RACHEL: Oh my, you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: No, no-no-no Joey he doesn’t want to buy my baby! I made that up! +NOTFRIEND: Petty. +RACHEL: Petty. +NOTFRIEND: Um, that's ok! Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man. +RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. +NOTFRIEND: Honey, we don’t have any bears here. +RACHEL: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke? +NOTFRIEND: Uh-oh. +RACHEL: Good different? +NOTFRIEND: I’m so humiliated! +RACHEL: Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, There’s no such thing as bad press. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? II keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I loveI love this little guy! Ah-ah! Okay, that’s why you didn’t want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? Stupid! I can’t believe it! God! Hey, how you doin’? +RACHEL: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, who’s next? +RACHEL: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something. +NOTFRIEND: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore. +RACHEL: Well neither do I! +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: I know, it's such a huge, life-altering thing. +NOTFRIEND: Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are: from Passions: Erin Goff. From One Life to Live: Mary Loren Bishop, from All My Children: Sarah McCann, and from Days of Our Lives: Jessica Ashley. And the winner is……Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn’t be with us tonight, so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. And I’m sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel, who’s sittin’ right there! +RACHEL: Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?! +NOTFRIEND: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before. +RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce? +NOTFRIEND: Who’s that? +RACHEL: He plays for the Yankees. Just once and a while, have it on in the background. Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan! +NOTFRIEND: What? What?! +RACHEL: I can’t see it! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English trifle! +NOTFRIEND: Try feeding her again. +RACHEL: I already fed her. +NOTFRIEND: Nope. +RACHEL: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: Hi, we just found this cat, and we er, looking for the owner. +NOTFRIEND: All right! +RACHEL: Just give us our apartment back! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: I need to tell you something. +NOTFRIEND: What are you guys gonna do? +RACHEL: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? +NOTFRIEND: Done! +RACHEL: Let me finish. +NOTFRIEND: At least tell me where you hid it. +RACHEL: Can I ask you a question? +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Monica, I'm your best friend. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Then, again at 9:00? +NOTFRIEND: Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right? +RACHEL: Thanks, Mon. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me. +RACHEL: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, what’s wrong?! +RACHEL: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing. +NOTFRIEND: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. +RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Me too. +RACHEL: Yeah, I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though. +RACHEL: Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a, napkin. With Janice's phone number on it. +RACHEL: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band? +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Well, if that’s what you want. +RACHEL: No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica’s! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, come here. Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack. +RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this? +NOTFRIEND: What's going on? +RACHEL: Joey has got a secret peephole! +NOTFRIEND: I know. So, what's going on with you and Ross? +RACHEL: Well, um. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a, ah, little thing. +NOTFRIEND: Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer. +RACHEL: All right, y’know what? II’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling. +NOTFRIEND: What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win? +RACHEL: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation. +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: Just sit over there! +NOTFRIEND: Well I’m sorry, I thought you said it was okay. +RACHEL: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head! +NOTFRIEND: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow. +RACHEL: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, very nice Rachel. +RACHEL: Thank you judges. +NOTFRIEND: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. Hey Ross, where's the Mrs? Don't know! +RACHEL: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this? +NOTFRIEND: Does for me. +RACHEL: Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? The work problem? +RACHEL: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again. +NOTFRIEND: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy! +RACHEL: Oh, it’s gonna be fine. +NOTFRIEND: Oh I know, I’ve been there. I remember toward the end. +RACHEL: Oh Phoebe, that’s a great story. Can you tell it to me when you’re getting me some iced tea? Oh God, get out! +NOTFRIEND: You didn’t do it? +RACHEL: II know—I had put them in…in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today. +NOTFRIEND: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, Get the hell out of my way! +RACHEL: Well, why didn’t you just take a cab? +NOTFRIEND: So-so there is no party. +RACHEL: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me? +NOTFRIEND: Nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best. +RACHEL: Joey, you're so sweet. +NOTFRIEND: Sometimes, you should come over sometime! I’ll play you one of my other. +RACHEL: Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here! +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo. +RACHEL: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, okay, y’know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage! This is the world’s worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will! +NOTFRIEND: Well, okay, what-what did she say? +RACHEL: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her. +NOTFRIEND: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. +RACHEL: Oh wow, you didn’t even try to unhook my bra! +NOTFRIEND: That is incredible! You are the master! +RACHEL: Huh, that’s funny. You look like you’re gonna be the. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you. +RACHEL: Monica just broke my seashell lamp. +NOTFRIEND: Ok! +RACHEL: Ok, I. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I will wake you up in a way that's proved very popular in the past. +NOTFRIEND: Who’s the father?! +RACHEL: Look honey y’know what? I haven’t told him yet, so until I do I don’t think I should tell anybody else. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! Happy Monica’s night! +RACHEL: Well thank you, you too. +NOTFRIEND: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. +RACHEL: I don’t know, I don’t know. Look, maybe we should take a break. +NOTFRIEND: And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel… +RACHEL: I’m fourth! Look at you with your little maple syrup award! +NOTFRIEND: I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic. +RACHEL: Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call. I mean you'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor. +RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this? +NOTFRIEND: No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! +RACHEL: Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault. +NOTFRIEND: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that. +RACHEL: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'um! +RACHEL: Kill 'um! +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. +RACHEL: Are they in love? +NOTFRIEND: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! +RACHEL: Emily! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my! +RACHEL: They're male nurses. +NOTFRIEND: What’s a virgin? +RACHEL: Water it is. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, this is your apartment. +RACHEL: Yeah, well that's how mad I am! +NOTFRIEND: No! I'm not okay! +RACHEL: I'm sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn't know what to do. +NOTFRIEND: Well that’s great! Congratulations! +RACHEL: A year ago. +NOTFRIEND: You said you didn’t want to go. +RACHEL: I don’t. But I would still like to be acknowledged. Just because I’m pregnant you think I’m invisible. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, Jello just like Mom used to make. +RACHEL: The most unbelievable thing happened to me today. +NOTFRIEND: So? +RACHEL: I just y'know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. Ooo-ooh! +NOTFRIEND: Nothing, why? +RACHEL: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay. +NOTFRIEND: I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born. +RACHEL: So you raised her all on your own? +NOTFRIEND: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about. What are you doing? +RACHEL: I’m unpacking! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, wow! That’s great! Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! +RACHEL: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. +NOTFRIEND: Of course I have! What do you think, I’m some 30 year old virgin? +RACHEL: You’re a 30 year old virgin! +NOTFRIEND: You didn't like that? +RACHEL: Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't even undo my bra! +NOTFRIEND: Well, she's gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants! +RACHEL: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby! +NOTFRIEND: Still I could tell. She was into me. Well, why don’t you set us up? +RACHEL: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress? +NOTFRIEND: Well, II there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore. +RACHEL: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if are you sure there's just not anything else? +NOTFRIEND: Really? From who? +RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski. +RACHEL: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?! +NOTFRIEND: What is it?! +RACHEL: But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die. +NOTFRIEND: All right, I just wanted to check. +RACHEL: Oh, that’s sweet. +NOTFRIEND: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, what department was that? The Jerk department? +NOTFRIEND: Did you know your mother spent 1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place. +RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff. +NOTFRIEND: No, but it’s-it’s-it’s hot! +RACHEL: Ross, would you just stop it! It’s getting really old. +NOTFRIEND: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer? +RACHEL: I am so hot for you right now. +NOTFRIEND: Ew. +RACHEL: God she is unbelievable. +NOTFRIEND: That's too bad. +RACHEL: Ohh, big, fat bummerrr. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, I don’t know if we’re there yet. +RACHEL: Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie amp Fitch. I’ll call you back. +NOTFRIEND: Champagne? +RACHEL: Oh that’s-that’s actually how the French drink it. +NOTFRIEND: You think? +RACHEL: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. +NOTFRIEND: You said two weeks. +RACHEL: No, I said today! See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening. +NOTFRIEND: How long was I in there? +RACHEL: I'm just cleaning up. +NOTFRIEND: So, you're not going to Paris. +RACHEL: No, I'm still going. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love! Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, III just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. +RACHEL: Honey, this will help. +NOTFRIEND: Then you should have said something before I met her. +RACHEL: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me. +NOTFRIEND: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping. +RACHEL: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua. +NOTFRIEND: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good. +RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, umm, okay, umm. It's just Joey and Ross. +RACHEL: Why aren't you guys at the movie? +NOTFRIEND: Nah, he doesn’t do anything for me. +RACHEL: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger? +NOTFRIEND: If Phoebe were my maid of honor. +RACHEL: Uh-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: That was unbelievable! +RACHEL: Okay, see? I told you! +NOTFRIEND: Oh shut up! +RACHEL: Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. II saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids and everything I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel SO much better now. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish. +RACHEL: Are-are you saying he’s a geek? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, I’ve seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, II sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button? +RACHEL: Yeah, but that was different. Y’know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it’s weird. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. What photo album was it? +RACHEL: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids. +NOTFRIEND: No, but he's always late. +RACHEL: I thought you only met him once? +NOTFRIEND: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us? +RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK. +NOTFRIEND: Who was that? +RACHEL: It’s just the pizza place. +NOTFRIEND: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America. +RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, oh oh! I'm sorry, +RACHEL: Ehh, pardon me? +NOTFRIEND: I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. +RACHEL: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, this is from your friend at work. +RACHEL: Oh, I know what this is! That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby? +NOTFRIEND: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay 25 and wait in line for three hours. +RACHEL: If only more people knew. +NOTFRIEND: Well, yeah. +RACHEL: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?! +NOTFRIEND: What? Nothing. +RACHEL: I saw my name. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? Oh, look at that. +RACHEL: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips? +NOTFRIEND: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy. +RACHEL: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross. +NOTFRIEND: How about you less important people, let’s open your presents! +RACHEL: Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift! +NOTFRIEND: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates? +RACHEL: Oh yes I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me. +NOTFRIEND: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud! +RACHEL: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. +NOTFRIEND: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me! +RACHEL: I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn. +NOTFRIEND: I can't catch a break! +RACHEL: You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. +NOTFRIEND: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff? +RACHEL: I was just going to do this myself. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. It’s Emma. +RACHEL: I don’t want it. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. +NOTFRIEND: Sure, okay. +RACHEL: Umm, okay, just turn around. +NOTFRIEND: No I don't. +RACHEL: When we left, you said, got the keys. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. Heh? +RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet. +NOTFRIEND: No. I. I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you've got this whole other life going on. III know it's dumb, but I hate that I'm not a part of it. +RACHEL: It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that you're not a part of it. I mean it's like, III like that you're not involved in that part of my life. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you never heard of them? +RACHEL: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. What-what did Tag say? +RACHEL: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey, are you okay? Where-where's Paolo? +RACHEL: Jerk missed his flight. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I’ll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. +RACHEL: Pheebs, can’t make it, got a date. Talk to you later. +NOTFRIEND: No anchovies. +RACHEL: With ah, extra anchovies. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Yeah, Stevie’s an old family friend. +NOTFRIEND: What do you mean? +RACHEL: Look, I am so so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler! +NOTFRIEND: Need uh, need a little hand there. +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so you will meet our guys? +RACHEL: Yes, I’ll meet ‘em. +NOTFRIEND: No! Y'know-y'know don’t do me any favours. In fact, where, where’s the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, Hey, this book is mine! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I’d like that back too. Yes, I do. +RACHEL: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt! +NOTFRIEND: You don’t have to worry about that okay? +RACHEL: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on that chair under Ross’s coat. +NOTFRIEND: uh uh! +RACHEL: Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, how did this happen? +RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: So you eh, you talked to Joey? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, nah. +RACHEL: Wait, what? +NOTFRIEND: Shhhhh shhh shhhhh. +RACHEL: What are we Shushing? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, women can. You can't. +RACHEL: Monica would you please tell Joey that he is a pig? +NOTFRIEND: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. +RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. +RACHEL: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t want people to see it for your sake. +RACHEL: Ahh, I don’t believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me. +NOTFRIEND: Bummer. +RACHEL: Look at you, you're practically giddy. +NOTFRIEND: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so I'm takin' 'em down. Ok? Whoa! +RACHEL: Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please? +NOTFRIEND: I’m thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress. +RACHEL: Yeah that’s great Paul, but y’know I wanna know what. Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y’know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's great. +RACHEL: Why are why are you so tanned? +NOTFRIEND: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it! +RACHEL: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, No! Which puts me right back in the driver seat. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: Aw honey stop! +NOTFRIEND: You bought Shawn Cassidy! +RACHEL: I wish! Okay, you ready? +NOTFRIEND: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first. +RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s happening! +RACHEL: I’m sorry, I can’t! +NOTFRIEND: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah go ahead. +NOTFRIEND: Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I, hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. +RACHEL: Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me! +NOTFRIEND: Sophie’s desk. +RACHEL: Are you gonna call her! +NOTFRIEND: Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? +RACHEL: Well, II could live without it. +NOTFRIEND: Went out with Joey. +RACHEL: Another night of birdogging the chickas? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. Um, Rachel can we do this now? +RACHEL: I am so hot! +NOTFRIEND: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? +RACHEL: I, I don't know. Ross, I still can't forgive you for what you did, I can't, I just, but sometimes when I'm with you I just, I feel so. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I think it's sexy. +NOTFRIEND: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, that’s why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617. +RACHEL: Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce! +NOTFRIEND: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be a. +RACHEL: I guess I felt guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not in. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, just because something's difficult doesn't mean that you quit. +RACHEL: Right, totally. +NOTFRIEND: Uhu, uhu, and why do you think that is? +RACHEL: I don't know, maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar. +NOTFRIEND: You brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That's it, on Monday I start wearing make-up. +RACHEL: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but II got a crisis. +NOTFRIEND: No more pranks. +RACHEL: And-and what else? +NOTFRIEND: Oh I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. +RACHEL: Here he is. Guys, this is Russ. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening. +RACHEL: Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never have a first birthday again. +NOTFRIEND: 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.' +RACHEL: Very nice touch. +NOTFRIEND: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila. +RACHEL: So all we have is ice? +NOTFRIEND: 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.' +RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married. +NOTFRIEND: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it. +RACHEL: I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited you here today. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe we are at a real college party! I have to pee so bad! +RACHEL: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute! +NOTFRIEND: Maybe on some level. +RACHEL: Joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yes, there you are. +RACHEL: Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there's a whole cart outside. +NOTFRIEND: You're a pain in my ass, Geller! +RACHEL: All right, look you guys. Look, we appreciate all the advice, but this is between Joey and me and I think we can handle it. +NOTFRIEND: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders. +RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks. +NOTFRIEND: All right, well maybe I m enjoying it a little bit. I mean I m getting pretty good at it. +RACHEL: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes. +NOTFRIEND: No. No, y'know you don’t, you don’t wear enough of this. What? +RACHEL: Since when, since when do you think I don’t wear enough of this? +NOTFRIEND: Well, you kind of just did. That guy is going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message. +RACHEL: Ross is going to pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. +NOTFRIEND: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD. +RACHEL: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush. +NOTFRIEND: 'I, Joanie, take you, Charles, to be my lawful husband.' 'Do you take.' +RACHEL: Oh see, but Joanie loved Chachi! That's the difference! +NOTFRIEND: Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. Okay, what do I do? +RACHEL: I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. +RACHEL: You don't know anything. +NOTFRIEND: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay? +RACHEL: Okay, I do. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. +RACHEL: It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. +NOTFRIEND: Where is she, Where is she? Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she? +RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool. +RACHEL: Now go shave that head! +NOTFRIEND: Woooo! Yeah! +RACHEL: Phoebe, you're on. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me. +RACHEL: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay? +RACHEL: Yeah I think so. +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me? +RACHEL: I meant young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. +NOTFRIEND: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch. +RACHEL: That’s so sweet of you! Oh yum! Did you put pickles on this? +NOTFRIEND: I, Rachel, you can't go! Ross loves Emily! +RACHEL: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I. +NOTFRIEND: Can I just say one thing? +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this! +RACHEL: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your 3? +NOTFRIEND: You need to get out of my chambers. +RACHEL: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one! +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Well, what-what ‘cha got there? +NOTFRIEND: ‘Cause you guys were on a break. +RACHEL: We were not on a—Okay. That’s fine! Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay? +NOTFRIEND: Why are you taking this away from me? +RACHEL: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?! +NOTFRIEND: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss. But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight. +RACHEL: II am not uptight. Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you. +RACHEL: So, what's up? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. +RACHEL: You need to learn some new slang. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us? +RACHEL: Well, uh, II don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' +RACHEL: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah but I am not sure about some of the bra's I got. +RACHEL: Do you wanna try some of them on for me? +NOTFRIEND: I really need to talk to you. +RACHEL: Well, then talk! +NOTFRIEND: I might know something. +RACHEL: I might know something too. +NOTFRIEND: Maybe. But it wouldn’t hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, RachRach, what were you thinking? +RACHEL: I was thinking if it’s a girl, how about Sandrine? It’s French. +NOTFRIEND: What? Rach! Come on, that’s terrible! They’re…uh…they’re babies. They’re-they’re all beautiful. +RACHEL: Third one from the left? +NOTFRIEND: So uh, you’re not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay? +RACHEL: Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time. +NOTFRIEND: Well, then he's, he's probably just, out. +RACHEL: Oh, thank you that's very helpful, I'm glad you came over. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: And now, y'know, I'm like. I'm like the other woman! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah well, I ran into Richard. +RACHEL: When did this happen? +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing? +RACHEL: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here. +NOTFRIEND: I love you! +RACHEL: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. We need more candy? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you’re nice to her. +RACHEL: She has the drugs! +NOTFRIEND: Is that Mark? +RACHEL: Umm, honey, look he just came over to. +NOTFRIEND: Noooo! I'm lying. I am so drunk. +RACHEL: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried. +NOTFRIEND: Myron. Hmm. I told you he was old! +RACHEL: Oh, sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you know, I once also almost married somebody that I didn’t love. Do you remember Barry? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my. Oh good God! +RACHEL: I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, so sorry. +RACHEL: I don't know, I don’t know what happened, I must be nervous! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Give her some money. +NOTFRIEND: When, when were you, under me? +RACHEL: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. +RACHEL: Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did. +RACHEL: Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops! +NOTFRIEND: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn’t it? +RACHEL: It sure is. +NOTFRIEND: Wooooo! +RACHEL: Okay, your band is playing at Arnold's, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey's boxers! +NOTFRIEND: Take care. +RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things? +NOTFRIEND: Joey?! Joey! +RACHEL: Ross, Joey is not here. +NOTFRIEND: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again. +RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now. +NOTFRIEND: Happy birthday sweetie. +RACHEL: Wow you, you. +NOTFRIEND: Go! +RACHEL: Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as. Forget that! That sucks! Okay, never mind! Umm, umm, okay, uh. I met, II met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old. +NOTFRIEND: You mean, we you and me? +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone. +NOTFRIEND: So, now. What about with Mike's mom? +RACHEL: Oh, with the mother, just, just constantly tell her how amazing. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, did you get to the part where they’re trapped in the car and Cujo’s throwin’ himself at the windshield? +RACHEL: Seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date? +NOTFRIEND: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women! +RACHEL: Wo-women? You mean like old women? +NOTFRIEND: I want to keep one. +RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news! +NOTFRIEND: Could you please tell me what this is in reference to?. Yes, hold on. Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. +RACHEL: But I haven't used my card in weeks! +NOTFRIEND: Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up. +RACHEL: Mmm hmm. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's, just seems like such a, waste. +NOTFRIEND: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh. +RACHEL: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T. G. Friday’s, come on! +NOTFRIEND: Are you moving out? +RACHEL: No, these aren't all my suitcases. This one's Paolo's. +NOTFRIEND: Oooh. Let's do. Let's send them mashed potatoes. +RACHEL: Don't do that! That's going to make them think they can come over here. +NOTFRIEND: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. +RACHEL: I mean, it's a cat, ya know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, ya know, one of those fruitflys, those things that live for like a day or something? What're they called, what're they called, what're they called? +NOTFRIEND: Oh! That’s nice. +RACHEL: Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey. +NOTFRIEND: Who?! +RACHEL: In Human Resources! +NOTFRIEND: Hello. +RACHEL: Ben just said his first word. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. +RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save. +NOTFRIEND: I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable. +RACHEL: Then you're not gonna like what's coming. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don’t even feel them. +RACHEL: Okay, no uterus, no opinion. +NOTFRIEND: No, this is pretty much it. +RACHEL: You guys wanna get some coffee? +NOTFRIEND: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me. +RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent. +RACHEL: That's Daddy. +NOTFRIEND: Yep, sucks! +RACHEL: Hi you! +NOTFRIEND: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline? +RACHEL: Do I have my own castle? +NOTFRIEND: Really?! +RACHEL: It’s kinda slutty. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t see the baby. Where is it? +RACHEL: Oh no, I know I couldn’t see it either at first, but it’s right umm… Ross, I lost it again. +NOTFRIEND: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds! +RACHEL: You can so totally tell. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what? There's some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up? +RACHEL: Wait a minute, it's been a long time that I've been single. How come you never offered this before? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful. +RACHEL: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. Does anybody need coffee? +NOTFRIEND: Do you really? +RACHEL: No, I don’t see it! +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin’ uh, I’m gonna have an extra room over at my place. +RACHEL: Oh, that’s true. +NOTFRIEND: God! What am I gonna do?! +RACHEL: Well, Chandler, you re gonna have to tell him. +NOTFRIEND: Umm. +RACHEL: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage. +NOTFRIEND: YOU KNOW?! +RACHEL: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know, so you have to stop screaming! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross. +RACHEL: Um-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: Ohhhh, look at that. ROSS: So, er, where did er, Paolo come from. +RACHEL: Oh, Italy, I think? Hur hur hur. +NOTFRIEND: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper. +RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet? +NOTFRIEND: FINE BY ME! +RACHEL: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. Good morning, dear. +RACHEL: Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing. +NOTFRIEND: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate brings home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent. +RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this. +NOTFRIEND: Well umm, we were just talking about the y’know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y’know, they were the right way to go. +RACHEL: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I’m not saying that there’s any connection here y’know, but they did tell me that’s why they got divorced. +NOTFRIEND: No, I've got work and then I'm proposing. +RACHEL: Great, shoot, what are we gonna do? +NOTFRIEND: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out. +RACHEL: Oh my God, I left the water running. +NOTFRIEND: Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut! +RACHEL: No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant! +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99! +RACHEL: But your divorce isn't even final yet. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like forget about her but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, Oh my god. So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. UhOh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been? +RACHEL: Emergency! +NOTFRIEND: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone. +RACHEL: You're not gonna end up alone. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! +RACHEL: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! +NOTFRIEND: A moustache comb. +RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel? +RACHEL: Yes, hi! +NOTFRIEND: Or facing a bitch of a commute. +RACHEL: I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's, really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable. +NOTFRIEND: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends. +RACHEL: This guy is a nightmare! +NOTFRIEND: Hey you’re right. Yeah, it’s kinda been like us again a little bit. +RACHEL: I miss that. +NOTFRIEND: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London. +RACHEL: That's not European! +NOTFRIEND: You know, I think I might just. +RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight? +NOTFRIEND: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass! +RACHEL: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him. +RACHEL: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man? +NOTFRIEND: Well it was the only thing to do there, that didn t have a line. +RACHEL: Alright well, see, I mean, Barry wouldn t even kiss me on a minature golf course. +NOTFRIEND: I know. I like it up here. +RACHEL: I feel like we’re the only two people in the world. +NOTFRIEND: Go on. +RACHEL: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation’s Milton Berle. +NOTFRIEND: Mon Op Poleeeee! +RACHEL: ROSS: So, er, where did er, Paolo come from. +NOTFRIEND: But you’re not anymore! +RACHEL: No, I’m not. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't understand a singe word. +RACHEL: Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it… +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that…if you’re gonna have a roommate, y’know it might as well be the father. +RACHEL: But Joey, I don’t think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean——Or he does. +NOTFRIEND: But you haven't even heard the chorus! +RACHEL: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank you so much! Okay. +RACHEL: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know. +NOTFRIEND: I can't imagine why. +RACHEL: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call. +NOTFRIEND: What do you think brought than on? +RACHEL: I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay. +RACHEL: Um, hum. +NOTFRIEND: Well he’s tall. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: I’ll never understand you lesbians. So baby, tell me…what is new with you. +RACHEL: Well actually umm. +NOTFRIEND: OK, well, um, have a nice evening. +RACHEL: Um, Russ, you ready? +NOTFRIEND: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem. +RACHEL: Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! And could you strike Consummated like bunnies from the record? +NOTFRIEND: Hello! +RACHEL: What about all the women you want to bring home? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just, throw your purses at it. +RACHEL: Bloomingdale's eliminated my department. +NOTFRIEND: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them. +RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge. +NOTFRIEND: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow. +RACHEL: I'd need an expense account. +NOTFRIEND: You wanna go down to the office right now? +RACHEL: Come on its late, we’re not gonna go down to the office. +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie, now I pick you. +RACHEL: You don't pick me! You're stuck with me! +NOTFRIEND: GET OUT YOU DUFUS! +RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. +RACHEL: I'm sorry, what? +NOTFRIEND: What's up? +RACHEL: Uhm, you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet. +NOTFRIEND: Pretty amazing huh? +RACHEL: I don’t see it! +NOTFRIEND: Come on, lottery! +RACHEL: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes. +NOTFRIEND: OK, now I'm nervous. +RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off. +NOTFRIEND: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech. +RACHEL: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre. +NOTFRIEND: That's why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking. +RACHEL: My drinking? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: It’s you. +NOTFRIEND: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try. +RACHEL: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: That’s what you just said! +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar. +RACHEL: Should we send them something back? +NOTFRIEND: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies? +RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, well. 'cause, you just. I don't like this question. +RACHEL: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are, beans? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, right! +RACHEL: Get the hell out of there, y'know? +NOTFRIEND: I've gotta get back in the game. +RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, okay, let’s talk it out. +RACHEL: Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for? +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay. It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again. +RACHEL: I yeah. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, so uhm. How was dinner? +RACHEL: Mark is so sweet. +NOTFRIEND: I’m fine! I just, I’m thinking how much it’s an end of era. +RACHEL: But y’know I gotta say, I don’t, I don’t think six years counts as an era. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close. +RACHEL: Well then I demand a recount! +NOTFRIEND: I dunno, let’s see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl. +RACHEL: Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you! +NOTFRIEND: Because she's not gonna get to keep the babies. +RACHEL: We are throwing the most depressing baby shower. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club. +RACHEL: You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me? +NOTFRIEND: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding. +RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know, III just…I don’t want to get in the middle of something so complicated. +RACHEL: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? I am so gonna leave right now. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh. +RACHEL: Still nervous? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! +RACHEL: Do you guys want these? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. Hey where's the baby? +RACHEL: Oh we just put her down for a nap. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, see II don’t know if we’re gonna be hungry at three. +RACHEL: Three people. Joshua’s not gonna be there. +NOTFRIEND: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. +RACHEL: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table. +NOTFRIEND: Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you? +RACHEL: I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate. +NOTFRIEND: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby? +RACHEL: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah! +RACHEL: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now. +NOTFRIEND: An advance? +RACHEL: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Can I have another one? +NOTFRIEND: Which is fine! Because you just turned——twenty-eight! +RACHEL: It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, good! Ok. +RACHEL: Oh, but he was my pig man how did I not see this? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I don’t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella. +RACHEL: Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I’ve got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can’t stop it. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, here’s a thought. +RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? +NOTFRIEND: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter but. Okay, why not? +RACHEL: Oh, terrific! That'll be 2,000. +NOTFRIEND: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after. +RACHEL: No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service! +NOTFRIEND: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here? +RACHEL: Well, III've been on Standby for a flight home for hours. +NOTFRIEND: I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you! +RACHEL: Wh-wh-what? +NOTFRIEND: I mean my God. +RACHEL: You're hurt! +NOTFRIEND: Yes I did, I’m Monica, Super Aunt. +RACHEL: You are the official baby crier stopper! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, you don't have to stop, I'm invisible, I'm not here. +RACHEL: But I don't, hmm. Oh, who approved that order?! Well there is no Mark Robbinson in this office. Get me Mark on the phone! +NOTFRIEND: You've seen all the movies. +RACHEL: I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. +NOTFRIEND: Got me. +RACHEL: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain’t gonna happen! +NOTFRIEND: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I’ll take a check for the other hundred. +RACHEL: You’re jokin’ right? +NOTFRIEND: Sorry I’m late, what’s up? +RACHEL: Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, no. Thanks, but I’ll give these to Betty. So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two? +RACHEL: Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, what would happen exactly. +NOTFRIEND: No, I’m just deciding which one to use. I’m gonna start writing another book! +RACHEL: Be-because the last one was such a big seller? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Oh hey, how's the dog? +NOTFRIEND: All right, maybe it means that too. +RACHEL: I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now! +NOTFRIEND: This is a hospital. +RACHEL: Y’know what? I’d have to say I really don’t care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to—Whoa! Oh gosh! +NOTFRIEND: Fine! I’ll call Zurich and move some money around. +RACHEL: All right, who’s turn is it to help me get up! +NOTFRIEND: You sold me out. +RACHEL: I did not sell you out. +NOTFRIEND: I just did them. +RACHEL: Oh, well drop and give me ten more! +NOTFRIEND: Good. +RACHEL: And ya know what, now I've got closure. +NOTFRIEND: No! No, I’m the minister! Alright, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now. +RACHEL: Joey, I have to go. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester. +NOTFRIEND: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know. +RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Oh, so everything's okay? +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! +RACHEL: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket! +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: I am so jealous. You guys are just, really, right there, aren't you? +NOTFRIEND: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again! +RACHEL: So just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem? +NOTFRIEND: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around? +RACHEL: Ok, off the top of my head. +NOTFRIEND: I can say I told you so but she’s kinda doing that for me. +RACHEL: Oh I’m sorry mummy’s so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep.   Shhh! Go back to sleep. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! RachRach, are-are-are you sure? +RACHEL: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet. +NOTFRIEND: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us! +RACHEL: I'm so happy for you! +NOTFRIEND: That’s kinda sad. +RACHEL: Yeah, well Betty’s kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. Now, while I distract her, you get in the office. +NOTFRIEND: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit! +RACHEL: Oh my God, wait did I. I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? Did I just say Greens don’t quit?! +NOTFRIEND: Well, what was supposed to happen? +RACHEL: Can you not look at me when I say this? I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you. +NOTFRIEND: Listen, I um… I heard about the engagement. +RACHEL: Surprised? +NOTFRIEND: Because it’s flattering! Come on Monica! Come on Monica! +RACHEL: Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie. +NOTFRIEND: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it. +RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours. +NOTFRIEND: How about, you’re moving! +RACHEL: This is ridiculous. We should be packing you! +NOTFRIEND: I can’t believe you bought this. +RACHEL: I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room. +RACHEL: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly, saucy? +RACHEL: Um, you were not the only one there. Joey was there too. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about? +RACHEL: If there was I wouldn't tell you. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? +RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. +RACHEL: Good for me! +NOTFRIEND: Passport, check! +RACHEL: Who are you saying check too? +NOTFRIEND: Who the hell are all these people? +RACHEL: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know why you just don’t say left. +RACHEL: Okay, go to the left. The left! +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe that didn't work! +RACHEL: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.' +RACHEL: Well relax, he'll be here. +NOTFRIEND: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right. +RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand. +NOTFRIEND: Don't be. It's just bad timing. +RACHEL: So seriously rodeo clown? +NOTFRIEND: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. +RACHEL: But I hired you! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, okay. +RACHEL: Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, you look so good! +RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous. +NOTFRIEND: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade! +RACHEL: I was laughing! You made me laugh! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Why not? +RACHEL: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry. +NOTFRIEND: I’m just helping the kids! +RACHEL: How is you drinking helping the kids? +NOTFRIEND: And in about five seconds you’re gonna see why. +RACHEL: Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? +NOTFRIEND: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! +RACHEL: Give it back! +NOTFRIEND: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby? +RACHEL: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go. +NOTFRIEND: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest. +RACHEL: Ok, maybe you're right. +NOTFRIEND: Typical. +RACHEL: I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: He just got a divorce right? +RACHEL: Hmm-mmm. +NOTFRIEND: No, I hate cats. +RACHEL: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Just get out of here! Move on! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! +RACHEL: I cannot push it in! +NOTFRIEND: Quit flicking. +RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I guess. I mean, I don't know, it's just, I guess I know. +RACHEL: Well, isn't that a good thing? You said you were sick of this. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, use it in a sentence. +RACHEL: Emma just said gleba! +NOTFRIEND: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! +RACHEL: Well, hello, Mr. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks for your help. +RACHEL: Paul? +NOTFRIEND: Well, we don’t want that. +RACHEL: No so we’re protecting her. +NOTFRIEND: As in Rosita does not move. +RACHEL: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal? +NOTFRIEND: You are just like Jack. +RACHEL: Jack from downstairs? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened! +RACHEL: So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? +NOTFRIEND: What happened? +RACHEL: All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me. Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh. +NOTFRIEND: No? +RACHEL: That's what I said. +NOTFRIEND: You are? +RACHEL: Remember I got that uh, gala. +NOTFRIEND: Twenty percent. +RACHEL: I love this job! My first call. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm just if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference! +RACHEL: Joey, do you have a minute? +NOTFRIEND: I love Jacques Cousteau! +RACHEL: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle! +NOTFRIEND: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages. +RACHEL: You get your messages! +NOTFRIEND: You wanna make it 6?! +RACHEL: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? +NOTFRIEND: Oh come on, not again. +RACHEL: Look, I'll make a deal with you all right? +NOTFRIEND: Ok. Well, how, how can we make it easier? +RACHEL: Ok, let’s work from the top down! Just work the bra, Joe! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it's beautiful. +RACHEL: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God. +NOTFRIEND: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that. +RACHEL: And she's not crazy? +NOTFRIEND: Uh sweetie, maybe you’d be more comfortable here? +RACHEL: Like you haven’t done enough. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogurt, or something. +RACHEL: A break from us. +NOTFRIEND: Regat se son a pina viv vanta to be pino so va vinchi so ramon tu pase tu. +RACHEL: Hur, hur hur, he doesn t speak much English. +NOTFRIEND: Fine! +RACHEL: You give me back my Walkman! +NOTFRIEND: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding. +RACHEL: I'm sorry, that's not funny. +NOTFRIEND: Yes! Maybe it’s a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right? +RACHEL: How many ways are there to do that? +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry, I just…I like things the way they are. +RACHEL: Hey, who's this little naked guy? +NOTFRIEND: I can’t say because he’s famous. +RACHEL: Oh my God, who is it?! +NOTFRIEND: Events from around the globe. +RACHEL: Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do? +RACHEL: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding! +NOTFRIEND: Do you wanna go hunting? +RACHEL: Well, I would like to have the option! +NOTFRIEND: Horny bitch. No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch! +RACHEL: So you guys go, have a really good time. +NOTFRIEND: Um-um, um-um. +RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. +NOTFRIEND: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. 'A real American hero. I'm G. I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi. +RACHEL: G. Do you really think he's gonna fall for that? +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: ‘Sup? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: You just did a little dancy thing. +NOTFRIEND: You kissed him?! +RACHEL: Well, I didn't know what else to do! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh! +RACHEL: Okay, that we may be able to do. +NOTFRIEND: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where. +RACHEL: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Well, that's it. +RACHEL: You gonna crash on the couch? +NOTFRIEND: That's not why you're going! You're going because you hope he's. +RACHEL: Ohh, Do you think he will?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: So, what did you guys do? +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: Joey, oh you’re so sweet. You’re so-so sweet, honey. But I’m not, I’m not looking for a husband. +NOTFRIEND: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge? +RACHEL: Have at it. +NOTFRIEND: These are not mine. Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like a piece of licorice. +RACHEL: Can I talk to you alone for a minute? +NOTFRIEND: Someone like an. angel? +RACHEL: That’s right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. +NOTFRIEND: Nooo! +RACHEL: I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind. +RACHEL: Ok ok, somebody somebody. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell. +RACHEL: Hey, whoa, slow down. No, keep moving. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth. +NOTFRIEND: It’s got ‘em! +RACHEL: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! I could so easily freak out right now. +NOTFRIEND: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of. +RACHEL: I know what this is all about. You've always been jealous of my hair. +NOTFRIEND: No, I wasn’t gonna ask you that, no. +RACHEL: You guys are unbelievable. He cannot come. +NOTFRIEND: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit. +RACHEL: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now? +NOTFRIEND: Lotsa things. +RACHEL: Which one do you think she is? +NOTFRIEND: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00! +RACHEL: That is so good! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! What? Thought we were trying to find stuff. +RACHEL: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt! +NOTFRIEND: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes. +RACHEL: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside. +NOTFRIEND: Great! Roomie! +RACHEL: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Hey, you know, before you said that nothing could happen between us? What changed? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, maybe it’s like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. +RACHEL: Y'know I don’t, I don’t understand guys, I mean II would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin’ her boob. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Emma will be up in a minute! +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something. +NOTFRIEND: No just, nobody press on my stomach. +RACHEL: You can keep those pants by the way. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel. Wait, wait. +RACHEL: No, you wait. This is ridiculous. +NOTFRIEND: When’s my daddy coming back? +RACHEL: Fifty-two minutes. So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff. +NOTFRIEND: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles! +RACHEL: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it. +RACHEL: Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane. +NOTFRIEND: Whatever. +RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. +RACHEL: I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what you guys? I’m uh, I’m gonna go too. And uh, I’m sorry about everything. +RACHEL: Honey don’t worry, it was my mistake. +NOTFRIEND: We started a rumor. +RACHEL: What rumor? +NOTFRIEND: You sick bastards! +RACHEL: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t. Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula! +NOTFRIEND: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat. +RACHEL: I’d love that. I would loooove… So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little. +NOTFRIEND: I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king. +RACHEL: Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. Okay bye-bye.' +NOTFRIEND: This is not good for my rage. +RACHEL: Monica, is this true? +NOTFRIEND: What time? Maybe we can share a cab! +RACHEL: Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Isn't this against the rules? +NOTFRIEND: Why would you want to do that? +RACHEL: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit. +NOTFRIEND: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch! +RACHEL: Oh, honey that's awful. +NOTFRIEND: Seriously. What is it? +RACHEL: It's really. It's nothing. Come here, come here. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just split her focus. +RACHEL: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a housekeeper. +NOTFRIEND: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone. +RACHEL: I don’t think so. +NOTFRIEND: F. Y. I. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie, something. She's supposed to be very good. +RACHEL: But what about Phoebe? +NOTFRIEND: I just talked him into it, don’t tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people. +RACHEL: I just don’t know! It just doesn’t feel right. +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know. +NOTFRIEND: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding. +RACHEL: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce, transpondster! +NOTFRIEND: All right. +RACHEL: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready? +NOTFRIEND: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby? +RACHEL: Well that's his last name. +NOTFRIEND: Anyway, one thing lead to another, and, oh, before you know it, we were kissing. I mean, how angry do you think Joey is gonna be? +RACHEL: That is hard to say, Ross. That is hard to say. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is. +RACHEL: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily. +NOTFRIEND: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone! +RACHEL: What secrets? You know secrets? +NOTFRIEND: I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for. Well, I'm gonna go continue to, spread the joy. +RACHEL: Well, just because it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has to happen that way for us. +NOTFRIEND: You know, you know, I don't know why you are so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies. +RACHEL: They were, nice? I mean, tha, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice! +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy. +RACHEL: And a thousand dollars. +NOTFRIEND: No idea what it means. +RACHEL: Oh, okay, just hide! +NOTFRIEND: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um? +RACHEL: Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least one of your weddings. See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well, I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers, feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would. +NOTFRIEND: Hmm. +RACHEL: For every night that you're asleep before I get home from work. +NOTFRIEND: Sit down! We’re winning! +RACHEL: Okay, y’know what? Maybe I should go! +NOTFRIEND: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score! +RACHEL: She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony! +NOTFRIEND: And make sure our room isn't next to theirs. +RACHEL: You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could share that with a guy. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay? +RACHEL: Sure, is she married? +NOTFRIEND: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again. +RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that? +RACHEL: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute? +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone so you and Emily are free to go. +NOTFRIEND: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. +RACHEL: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, ya know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity. +NOTFRIEND: What-what is it, what is it? +RACHEL: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone. +NOTFRIEND: This isn’t fair. +RACHEL: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff? +NOTFRIEND: Aww, thank you. +RACHEL: Okay, who's next?! +NOTFRIEND: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. +RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? +NOTFRIEND: Bye! +RACHEL: Hey, uh, Joey? +NOTFRIEND: Sure? +RACHEL: Yeah, I mean whatever. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin. +RACHEL: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know, you're food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means. +RACHEL: NO, no science camp! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, okay. +RACHEL: Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him. +NOTFRIEND: What do you mean? +RACHEL: Smell familiar? +NOTFRIEND: Yes ma'am, ready to Power through! +RACHEL: Stick it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and in the interest of powering through. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened. +RACHEL: Wh… Come on! We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together? +NOTFRIEND: What? Oh my God! +RACHEL: Who the hell is Emily, noooo! +NOTFRIEND: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want. +RACHEL: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'? +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, you said there was a party. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna. +NOTFRIEND: You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you. Well, listen, why don't you two sit down, and we'll get you some glasses. STAT. +RACHEL: Ok, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are. I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine, I really do. +NOTFRIEND: I’m really gonna miss you. +RACHEL: I have your key. +NOTFRIEND: And Rachel shouldn't have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean. +RACHEL: I love working with designers! +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Hello? +RACHEL: Hey, how are you? Yes, yes, I've heard, +NOTFRIEND: Anyway, hopefully, I'll see you around sometime. +RACHEL: Basketball! +NOTFRIEND: Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling. +RACHEL: Noo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor. +NOTFRIEND: No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes. Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting? +RACHEL: Menstrual cramps. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch it. +RACHEL: You saw it? Is it scary? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, they're coming, shhh. +RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner. +NOTFRIEND: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. +RACHEL: This Alan again? How's it goin'? +NOTFRIEND: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money. +RACHEL: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it. +NOTFRIEND: Ta-daaa! +RACHEL: You pierced her ears!? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Why—Yeah, that would work for ya. +RACHEL: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time. +NOTFRIEND: So, how ya doin? +RACHEL: I'm uh I'm okay. +NOTFRIEND: Ok. +RACHEL: Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR! +NOTFRIEND: I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find. +RACHEL: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! +NOTFRIEND: Why not! +RACHEL: Because I already did! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Smile! +RACHEL: Oh no, I really don’t want any——Oh! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, who is that? +RACHEL: Do ya? +NOTFRIEND: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there. +RACHEL: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here. +NOTFRIEND: Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling? +RACHEL: That works for me. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! That would be great. +RACHEL: But y’know what, if you think it’s gonna be okay we’ll just work out a system. Y’know, it’ll be like college, I’ll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, Come back later, I’m gettin’ lucky. +NOTFRIEND: So, what are you gonna do? +RACHEL: Well, I took it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today, and I also get to present an award. +RACHEL: Ohh that’s great! +NOTFRIEND: Good. +RACHEL: If you hold a spider. +NOTFRIEND: When they see this you'll be 52! +RACHEL: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on? +NOTFRIEND: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! +RACHEL: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. Oh daddy, I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Any sign of your brother? +NOTFRIEND: There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore. +RACHEL: That's because he's on your neck. +NOTFRIEND: all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny! +RACHEL: Weather bitch! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, thank you so much. +RACHEL: Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here. +NOTFRIEND: You got a job? +RACHEL: I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah. +RACHEL: It's not funny, this is actually my job. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! Oh for crying out loud! +RACHEL: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Wow, it's-it's 5:30 in the morning. So, I'd better get cracking on this baby. +RACHEL: Well, I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done. +NOTFRIEND: Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside. +RACHEL: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that’s only fair. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank you! What’s going on? +RACHEL: We’re just really.very excited about this charity event that we have to go to. +NOTFRIEND: Did you just flick me? +RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus Ow. That hurt. +NOTFRIEND: Yes you did! You look happy and sick you smoked! +RACHEL: But I had too! I had to do it for my career! +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you? +NOTFRIEND: I saved you a seat. +RACHEL: Sick-sick-sick-sick. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops? +RACHEL: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who. +NOTFRIEND: Bye. +RACHEL: Say hi to Wally. +NOTFRIEND: Good night. +RACHEL: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while? +NOTFRIEND: Now I do. +RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you'r loving, you make me laugh. ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'l just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes. RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was. ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even not even like, like chipmunk sex?RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo. ROSS: Knock-knock. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: No, I’m just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it’s trifle time! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah right. +RACHEL: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination. +NOTFRIEND: I’mI’m sure that’s not true. +RACHEL: Do I know anything about babies? +NOTFRIEND: You've had feelings for me? +RACHEL: Yeah, what, so, you had feelings for me first. +NOTFRIEND: This room’s available. +RACHEL: Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that’s four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I’m next! It’s my turn! It’s only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I’m going to sue you! Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband he’s a lawyer! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, what the hell happened back there? +RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes. +NOTFRIEND: How, exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago? +RACHEL: Well, I'm also sending out, good thoughts. +NOTFRIEND: All right, so let's switch. +RACHEL: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Well, that’s great. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs. +RACHEL: You bought boobs? +NOTFRIEND: Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here! +RACHEL: Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday! +NOTFRIEND: Grand Supreme Little Darling? +RACHEL: Congratulatioooons! +NOTFRIEND: Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths! +RACHEL: This is Emma's first Thanksgiving! +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, what’s the plan? +RACHEL: We are not, going to let it be a problem. +NOTFRIEND: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? Oh, you think I should give up the bag! +RACHEL: Honey wait, Joey, I’m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it. +NOTFRIEND: May I help you? +RACHEL: Does everybody hate these shoes? +NOTFRIEND: But it's an original Buffay. +RACHEL: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, not another one! Oh my G. And this is moisturiser. It's even harder to clean! Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? +RACHEL: Well, clearly this is not a good time. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think I should say. +RACHEL: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things. +NOTFRIEND: Me too! So happy for them! +RACHEL: I’m so happy and not at all jealous. +NOTFRIEND: Are you kidding? +RACHEL: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? +RACHEL: It's coming from Joey! +NOTFRIEND: When's your birthday? +RACHEL: May fifth, why? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, really? +RACHEL: Yeah, he dumped me. He said, Rachel, I can’t do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can’t do this. I’m married and I’m sorry. And then I don’t know why but he said, and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary. +RACHEL: What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex. +NOTFRIEND: Umm. +RACHEL: Ya do? +NOTFRIEND: Le Poo's still alive?! +RACHEL: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-teen blocks. +NOTFRIEND: You stole them from me! +RACHEL: You stole them from me! +NOTFRIEND: Come on, lucky sixes! +RACHEL: Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo I want you to meet my friends, this is Monica. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Um. Well. I'm getting married. +RACHEL: To who? +NOTFRIEND: Argue with that. +RACHEL: It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter. +NOTFRIEND: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then? +RACHEL: So, um, will you bring the truck? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I know it. It is amazing these little things open doors, huh! +RACHEL: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! +RACHEL: I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up I wanted him to meet my family. +NOTFRIEND: Somebody wanna help me out here? +RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. +NOTFRIEND: Now you know how you really feel about it. +RACHEL: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game! +NOTFRIEND: Alright. I think it's a big mistake but it's your decision. +RACHEL: I'm gonna do it. +NOTFRIEND: I do. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, your so great, nuh. +NOTFRIEND: I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing? +RACHEL: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass? +NOTFRIEND: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football. +RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football. +NOTFRIEND: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you’ve been a little short with me lately. I’m not trying to irritate you. +RACHEL: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want. +RACHEL: Oh good, great! I'llI'll keep that in mind. +NOTFRIEND: Is-isn’t it the best? +RACHEL: Oh, it’s the best! So, umm how’s Monica? +NOTFRIEND: You talked to her? +RACHEL: No, she left a message. But it-it kinda got erased. There's just something wrong with your machine. +NOTFRIEND: I know. Hand me a tissue. +RACHEL: You’re out of Diet Coke. +NOTFRIEND: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out. +RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. +NOTFRIEND: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. +RACHEL: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means. +NOTFRIEND: I know. +RACHEL: Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street? +NOTFRIEND: I'm just trying to spice it up! +RACHEL: Okay, so let's play for some pepper! Stop spending my money! +NOTFRIEND: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this. +RACHEL: Hi officer, was I going a little too fast? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby! +RACHEL: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out. +RACHEL: Yeah, and not a very good one. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: It was really, great! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it’s making me look at him totally differently. Y’know, I mean he used to be just, y’know Jack Geller Monica and Ross’s dad, and now he’s he’s. Jack Geller, dream hunk. +RACHEL: Y’know to me he’ll always be Jack Geller, walks in while you’re changing. +NOTFRIEND: I. I don't know. +RACHEL: Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up getting her eyebrows shaped to do this alright? Do you understand how important that is in our world? +NOTFRIEND: Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second? +RACHEL: Oh but Phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie. +NOTFRIEND: Good luck. +RACHEL: Good luck to you. +NOTFRIEND: You're bleeding. +RACHEL: Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything! +NOTFRIEND: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy. +RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG? +NOTFRIEND: Uh huh. +RACHEL: We ended up having sex in his chair. +NOTFRIEND: Who do you think its from? +RACHEL: This is bad. This is so bad. +NOTFRIEND: If you're planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. +RACHEL: I'm very sorry. +NOTFRIEND: What about Julie? +RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant. +RACHEL: That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard! +NOTFRIEND: Ehh! +RACHEL: You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out. +NOTFRIEND: What did he say? +RACHEL: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. I feel blue. +NOTFRIEND: We live together. You’re having our baby. I’m not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don’t want something more? +RACHEL: I don’t know, maybe. I’m. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! I’mI’m so happy for you guys. This is so-so, not stupid. +RACHEL: RossRoss, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You’re my hero! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: And um, excuse me, he helps me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change. +RACHEL: No you really think that's what it is? +NOTFRIEND: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me. +RACHEL: No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job. +NOTFRIEND: Why not?! +RACHEL: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Do you really not know where I’m going with this? It left! It’s one huge room! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank you. Hey, hey. Rachel! +RACHEL: Ohhh, you got my message. +NOTFRIEND: Neither. +RACHEL: Umm, what should we do for the theme? +NOTFRIEND: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you. +RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut? +NOTFRIEND: Is he gone? +RACHEL: How are you doing this? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, absolutely! +RACHEL: Get the camera, it’s in the diaper bag. +NOTFRIEND: What?! What would make you think that? +RACHEL: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. I am just gonna pack up my desk, and I will be gone by the end of the day! Well, I guess there's no use to me sticking around 'til the end of the day! +NOTFRIEND: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you’re thinking? +RACHEL: I’m thinking, I’m gonna order a pizza. +NOTFRIEND: Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass. +RACHEL: Why, why, what's wrong with these guys? +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: I mean, look-look today you escaped death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily? +NOTFRIEND: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman. +RACHEL: Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. +NOTFRIEND: Do you have a hair straightener? +RACHEL: Um, hi. +NOTFRIEND: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else? +RACHEL: Is he? Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing! +NOTFRIEND: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age. +RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little, hard to follow. +NOTFRIEND: Where did you, when did you, how did you. How did you get a girl like that? +RACHEL: Yeah, so what is she, like a, like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s. +RACHEL: What’s Flimby’s? +NOTFRIEND: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. +RACHEL: Are you drunk?! +NOTFRIEND: No, don’t say it! Don’t even think it! +RACHEL: Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. +NOTFRIEND: No room? It’s a baby. It’s like this big. Y’know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. Or-or-or we could put it right here. Aw, it’s cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. You wouldn’t even notice it. Where’s the baby? +RACHEL: Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around. +NOTFRIEND: What about him? +RACHEL: I love him. He’s so pretty I wanna cry! I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! +RACHEL: Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere. +NOTFRIEND: Well, he s too shy, he doesn t think he s good enough to dance with girls yet. +RACHEL: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that garbage chute. +NOTFRIEND: Not even close. +RACHEL: Okay, then y'know what? I need help! I can't do this! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here. +RACHEL: Oh, it's so much more fun with you. +NOTFRIEND: So I had fun last night. +RACHEL: So did I. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes, that s, that s right. +RACHEL: Ohhh look at that little girl ohhh. +NOTFRIEND: Petty. +RACHEL: Small. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it felt French. +RACHEL: Oh God, I really had a good time! +NOTFRIEND: That's a mailman! That's our mailman! Hi. How are ya? +RACHEL: This doesn't make you less of a guy! That does! What am I sitting on? I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off. +NOTFRIEND: That’s easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open. +RACHEL: So what are you saying I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table? +NOTFRIEND: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone! +RACHEL: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. Look out for the horse! +NOTFRIEND: First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly. +RACHEL: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. +NOTFRIEND: All right, I’m sorry. Rach I. Rach I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. +RACHEL: Y’know what? That’s it! You wanna do it?! Let’s do it! +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Molly! +NOTFRIEND: Huh. What's Tag's last name? +RACHEL: It was, oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just Tag. You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me. +RACHEL: The ring from the cave, yeah. +NOTFRIEND: Well, thank you for lunch. +RACHEL: Wait a minute, I didn’t pay, I thought you paid! +NOTFRIEND: No. And I don’t think I’m gonna want to. +RACHEL: I can’t do this. +NOTFRIEND: I never borrowed your Walkman. +RACHEL: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel is one of my closest friends. Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay! +RACHEL: Okay, stop-stop!! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it's not! +RACHEL: Seriously, it's moving! +NOTFRIEND: That's nice, now, was that before or after you told him to. +RACHEL: Right, well, we never actually got to that. Oh, it was. +NOTFRIEND: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless. +RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples? +NOTFRIEND: Correct, his profession was? +RACHEL: Space cowboy! +NOTFRIEND: Hi. Hey, how did it go today? +RACHEL: It went great. Really great. Is that wine? +NOTFRIEND: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table? +RACHEL: Well would you like me to lie down on the table? +NOTFRIEND: Say you're sorry. +RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Well, y’know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea. +NOTFRIEND: They're ribbed for your pleasure. +RACHEL: Joey, would you slow down, they're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: All right are you guys gonna come down? +NOTFRIEND: and then, we could’ve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar! +RACHEL: Ross, it just wouldn’t have been feasible. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared. +RACHEL: Nice seizing, gel boy. +NOTFRIEND: Sorry. ‘Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated. +RACHEL: Sophisticated like a hooker? +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah? All right, let’s do it tonight. +RACHEL: Well don’t you have that big date tonight? +NOTFRIEND: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or. +RACHEL: I don’t know. What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night. +NOTFRIEND: I bet I stopped listening before you did. +RACHEL: Y'know, you-you also could've used uh, lamps and then followed the light. +NOTFRIEND: And you had no idea they weren't getting along? +RACHEL: None. +NOTFRIEND: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. +RACHEL: It’s not Christmas! +NOTFRIEND: Oh man! I thought I got it all! +RACHEL: How, how? +NOTFRIEND: Really?! +RACHEL: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together! +NOTFRIEND: Damnit! +RACHEL: Oh crap! +NOTFRIEND: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver. +RACHEL: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader. +NOTFRIEND: Hello. I’m sorry I’m a little late. Ah——Whoa! A lot late. Let me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. So to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today. +RACHEL: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you’re never supposed to wake a sleeping baby. +RACHEL: Well I can do whatever I want!  I made her! Come on little girl, hi! +NOTFRIEND: Thanks for being born. +RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, we have some. +RACHEL: No you don’t! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. +RACHEL: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office? +NOTFRIEND: Separate performances. +RACHEL: Well, this sounds like fun! Actually? People are getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now? +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: That is so cool. +NOTFRIEND: No, she was this really dorky girl in high school that used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog. +RACHEL: You've got to stop doing that. Amy gets pissed and starts cutting food on the fancy plate very harshly, you can hear the silveware scraping the fancy plate. +NOTFRIEND: I wanna join! +RACHEL: Wh—Phoebe! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you. +RACHEL: You’re leaving?! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition. +RACHEL: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. +NOTFRIEND: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding. +RACHEL: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster! +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy! +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. Who is this? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right? +RACHEL: What are you. I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you. +NOTFRIEND: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, II hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know? +RACHEL: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane. +NOTFRIEND: You did? +RACHEL: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, you're so great! +NOTFRIEND: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it. +RACHEL: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding. +RACHEL: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me. +NOTFRIEND: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink. +RACHEL: You ah, you didn’t say ‘Yes’ to that did you? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit. +RACHEL: Did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue? +NOTFRIEND: You got it. +RACHEL: Look look look look look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me! +NOTFRIEND: Which ones? +RACHEL: Oh, oh, those little clunkly Amish things you think go with everything. +NOTFRIEND: Please start drinking! +RACHEL: I’m just going to grab the phone. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it? +RACHEL: Angels. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, Mike was gonna propose? +RACHEL: Phoebe, that’s huge! +NOTFRIEND: He’s taking off her coat! +RACHEL: Oh, this is just terrible. +NOTFRIEND: Please let me stay on this side of the door. +RACHEL: I still have my old key! We can just unlock the door. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on! +RACHEL: I can do it! +NOTFRIEND: Wow! +RACHEL: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya! +NOTFRIEND: NO, NO! It can't happen at all! +RACHEL: But why, why not? +NOTFRIEND: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me. +RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. +NOTFRIEND: A kiss? What are you talking about? +RACHEL: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, look! That’s Elizabeth! +RACHEL: Oh-oh Professor Geller. +NOTFRIEND: You can see where he'd have trouble. +RACHEL: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. +NOTFRIEND: You're nose is bleeding! +RACHEL: Oh not again! This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me? +NOTFRIEND: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. +RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. +NOTFRIEND: What'd I say? +RACHEL: Hm-m. +NOTFRIEND: I know. +RACHEL: I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel! Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh…oh-oh-oh… +NOTFRIEND: You have all the answers, don't you? +RACHEL: Yeah, I know, I do. +NOTFRIEND: But I insist! +RACHEL: But I insist harder! +NOTFRIEND: This stuff is great! +RACHEL: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of. +RACHEL: Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, II can’t tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh… Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know we’re never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it’s a boy! +RACHEL: I didn’t see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name. +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: I ah Oh! I’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning! +NOTFRIEND: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good. +RACHEL: Well, sure! Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend? +NOTFRIEND: She's mine! +RACHEL: She's mine! +NOTFRIEND: You don't know! +RACHEL: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! +NOTFRIEND: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these! +RACHEL: Except, Phoebe's not gonna be the one that gets to dress. +NOTFRIEND: Of course I am! +RACHEL: Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but II just didn’t think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie? +NOTFRIEND: If that. +RACHEL: Oh, Ross, don’t forget, we have that doctor’s appointment tomorrow! +NOTFRIEND: Well I’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?! +RACHEL: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling. My whole mouth just filled with saliva! +NOTFRIEND: You just wanna each take one? +RACHEL: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them. +NOTFRIEND: That’s a good one. +RACHEL: You like that one? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off. +RACHEL: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that. +NOTFRIEND: I - I just have to say this you're really beautiful. +RACHEL: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. +NOTFRIEND: Joey, please don t do that. I think it s best that we just forget about it. +RACHEL: That s easy for you to say, you weren t almost just killed. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it? +RACHEL: Yeah, it sure is! +NOTFRIEND: Well, bye for me too. +RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: That deserves another piece of candy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Yeah. Me to. +RACHEL: you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?! +NOTFRIEND: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake? +RACHEL: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit! +NOTFRIEND: Actually, they’re things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I’ve found that some of them are quite effective. +RACHEL: Well, we are ready to try anything. +NOTFRIEND: I feel terrible, I really do. +RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife? +NOTFRIEND: It worked! +RACHEL: Oh oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won’t stop crying. +NOTFRIEND: Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero. +RACHEL: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, she’s got like three hairs! +RACHEL: I know but they’re just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out. +NOTFRIEND: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling? +RACHEL: Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it it has to work out. +NOTFRIEND: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. +RACHEL: We need a hat. +NOTFRIEND: It’s clearly an Emma. +RACHEL: Oh honey, but you love that name. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. +RACHEL: Wha, forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. +NOTFRIEND: No, I had sex in high school. +RACHEL: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There's an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss. +NOTFRIEND: Trick or treat! +RACHEL: Y’know what honey, we’re actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I’m out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check? +NOTFRIEND: Relax, it’s not like we’re forking. +RACHEL: Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out? +NOTFRIEND: Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't. I don't mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom. +RACHEL: Is my misery amusing to you? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him? +RACHEL: I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad? +NOTFRIEND: It’s okay, I got a plan. +RACHEL: We’re gonna find love! +NOTFRIEND: Hide the Lamp. +RACHEL: Monica, let it go. +NOTFRIEND: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy. +RACHEL:! So this has happened to you? +NOTFRIEND: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off? +RACHEL: Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair. +NOTFRIEND: Okay is there…some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?! +RACHEL: Ross, you stay here and talk, I’m gonna go have a baby. +NOTFRIEND: I won! That was my guess! +RACHEL:!!! +NOTFRIEND: You’re on the phone! +RACHEL: That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place! +NOTFRIEND: The big deal is I don’t want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle. beer! Cold beer. +RACHEL: Hey Joey, what ‘cha doing? +NOTFRIEND: Sexy? +RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex. +NOTFRIEND: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm. +RACHEL: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what��s it’s like to be 19 and in love. +NOTFRIEND: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate! +RACHEL: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on! +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: how about I move in with you? +NOTFRIEND: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. Give me a call sometime. +RACHEL: Oh, but y’know, no, you didn’t give me your phone number. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Umm. +RACHEL: Let's talk about relationships! +NOTFRIEND: When have you ever? +RACHEL: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished! +NOTFRIEND: You don't have the guts. +RACHEL: Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute. +NOTFRIEND: You look familiar, have we. +RACHEL: He's asking her a question! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! Chandler just left though! +RACHEL: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk. +NOTFRIEND: That does not mean you know us better, II want a rematch. +RACHEL: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions. +NOTFRIEND: They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray spot.' +RACHEL: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Unless… You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, I’m not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table! +RACHEL: But Ross, you want the name Ruth! +NOTFRIEND: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys. +RACHEL: Alright, I can't, I can't wait that long. You have to do something knock that door down! +NOTFRIEND: All right. +RACHEL: Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Just sweep it. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it’s better than us deciding. +RACHEL: Can’t we just flip a coin?! +NOTFRIEND: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is. +RACHEL: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing. +NOTFRIEND: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss. +RACHEL: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. +NOTFRIEND: I mean, you're the one they're gonna come to when they wanna. +RACHEL: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe! +NOTFRIEND: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec? +RACHEL: Well, sure just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice! +RACHEL: So umm, does it? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive. +RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen? +NOTFRIEND: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page. +RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go? +NOTFRIEND: Well, there’s a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she’s not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years? +RACHEL: I don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire! +RACHEL: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda. +RACHEL: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her. +NOTFRIEND: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this. +RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this? +NOTFRIEND: Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. Man, I really bug you, don't I? +RACHEL: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you momma's boy, starting right now. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl. +NOTFRIEND: The point is I, I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. +RACHEL: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but I got cous-cous! +RACHEL: Honey, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's our anniversary but I told you on the phone I don't have time to stop. +NOTFRIEND: In the closet. +RACHEL: The burping clogs? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it was, nah, well. +RACHEL: What thing? What thing? +NOTFRIEND: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources. +RACHEL: Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. +RACHEL: Excuse us for a minute. You didn’t tell her to come?! +NOTFRIEND: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him. +RACHEL: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me. +NOTFRIEND: Hey uh, is it okay to come in? +RACHEL: Oh Joey, this ring I…it’s beautiful I love it! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no. +RACHEL: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit. +NOTFRIEND: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me Cheers. +RACHEL: See you in the parking lot. +NOTFRIEND: Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice. +RACHEL: Ohh, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange. +RACHEL: Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane. +NOTFRIEND: So, Phoebe runs weird huh? +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her. +NOTFRIEND: Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know. +RACHEL: We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. Seriously, proud of you. +NOTFRIEND: Nope. +RACHEL: All right Paul, I’m not asking for a lot here. Just give me something. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her! +RACHEL: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah. +RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: This is silly, I’m gonna see you in a couple of hours! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people. +RACHEL: Well, we're not seeing each other, so. +NOTFRIEND: What? May I? +RACHEL: What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel. +RACHEL: Look, either help me or go. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress. +RACHEL: Tell him. +NOTFRIEND: That’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex! +RACHEL: How do you know about that story?! +NOTFRIEND: Alright. Yes, this is Rachel. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, no, I know, II haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really. +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it. +RACHEL: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh Drake. +RACHEL: It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches. +NOTFRIEND: JeanClaude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot. +RACHEL: Ya think? +NOTFRIEND: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so. +RACHEL: So you're driving up to Connecticut? +NOTFRIEND: That’s right! You lose sucker! Please still marry me. +RACHEL: Chandler, you have an assistant right? +NOTFRIEND: You didn’t see how mad he was, y’know? +RACHEL: I’m sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y’know, you fight, you make up, it’s just the way it works. +NOTFRIEND: Go! Go! Go! +RACHEL: Hey… +NOTFRIEND: I’mI’m gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt! +RACHEL: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15! It doesn’t even fit you anymore! +NOTFRIEND: What's the thing you know? +RACHEL: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know. +NOTFRIEND: I can’t believe you came back. +RACHEL: Don’t say anything. I don’t wanna speak, I don’t wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now. +NOTFRIEND: Look, Ross, really, it's no big deal. You know, you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can't be friends at work, then, so be it. I understand. When I'm in a play and you're in the audience, I don't talk to you, right? So, you know, it's cool. I'll see you tomorrow. +RACHEL: Yeah, when we're in the audience, he doesn't talk to us, but he does wave. +NOTFRIEND: She is not. She’s gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can’t believe this. +RACHEL: Good day for married people huh? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I think you should drink the fat. +NOTFRIEND: All right, so we should go catch our movie. +RACHEL: Well now what’s the rush? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: Oh-ow! +NOTFRIEND: You’re weird today. Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something. +RACHEL: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. +NOTFRIEND: Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it tonight. +RACHEL: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that. +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me. +RACHEL: Monica, I don't want to lose 200 dollars. +NOTFRIEND: You can? +RACHEL: I just, I kept trying to make you a better person, but you're, you're already a pretty perfect version of what you are. +NOTFRIEND: That's great! I'm sorry. It's just, such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family. +RACHEL: I really can't hear what she says come here. +NOTFRIEND: My turn? What-what are you talking about? +RACHEL: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time. +RACHEL: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography. +NOTFRIEND: The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver. +RACHEL: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed. +NOTFRIEND: Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out! +RACHEL: Yeah, sure, okay. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: Sucker! +NOTFRIEND: But why didn’t you just tell her the truth. +RACHEL: I did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y. +RACHEL: Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. +NOTFRIEND: Bye you. +RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-. Hey sailor. +NOTFRIEND: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn. +RACHEL: Okay, hold on just a second. I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine. +RACHEL: Yeah, it's in there. +NOTFRIEND: Tips not included. +RACHEL: Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here? +NOTFRIEND: How are you? +RACHEL: Well-well a little blind sided but y’know good. +NOTFRIEND: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me. +RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle. +NOTFRIEND: Yoo-hoo! Aaron LitmanNeurolic would like to say hello to his future bride. +RACHEL: He kinda takes your breath away doesn’t he? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, shoot! +RACHEL: Okay, uhm, alright, here's the deal. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, how you doin’? +RACHEL: Don’t! +NOTFRIEND: He works with food! +RACHEL: Older? +NOTFRIEND: What?! What? +RACHEL: I am freaking out! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. +NOTFRIEND: Nooo, it wasn't. +RACHEL: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here. +NOTFRIEND: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. +RACHEL: Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. I’m asking you first, right?! I mean I’m playing by the rules. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I still don't know. I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, Kids welcome here. But that also says, Come here to me! +RACHEL:! You say that to kids?! +NOTFRIEND: Look guys, I know it's a little steep. +RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach! How ya doin'? +RACHEL: I've got a great job at Bloomingdale's, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I'm not seeing anyone right now, I've never felt better about myself. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, he's done some amazing works. +RACHEL: Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him. +RACHEL: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! +NOTFRIEND: Don’t talk to me now! +RACHEL: Awww, just like his daddy. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: How are you holding up? +NOTFRIEND: I did? +RACHEL: She dropped off a casserole? +NOTFRIEND: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now! +RACHEL: Oh, honey, don’t worry. She's gonna make it on time. +NOTFRIEND: Go ahead. +RACHEL: Umm, okay, I think I'mI'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, I'm still in love with you Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Me neither. +RACHEL: Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling? +NOTFRIEND: Poor baby, you’re so tired. Rach, I didn’t propose to you, Joey didn’t propose to you, and Chandler didn’t propose to you. +RACHEL: Uh… You didn’t propose to me, Chandler didn’t propose to me, but Joey did. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it really was! +RACHEL: Aw, thanks! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Could tonight be the Night? +NOTFRIEND: I thought there wasn't a ball? +RACHEL: He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place! +NOTFRIEND: Now, what is this? +RACHEL: Ah, what is this? Well, lets see, we kissed for ten minutes and now we're talking to our friends about it, so I guess this is sixth grade! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. +RACHEL: Oh no, you're the best. +NOTFRIEND: You’re alone. +RACHEL: No, II live with Phoebe. I mean you’re alone, alone. And I just-it’s just not the time for us. I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. You know that II have to go. +RACHEL: Um, hum. +NOTFRIEND: And then, your face is bloated? +RACHEL: I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman this blonde planet with a pocketbook starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle oh everybody having fun at the party? Are people eating my dip? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know. +RACHEL: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married? +NOTFRIEND: What, the word hi? +RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi. +NOTFRIEND: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out? +RACHEL: Okay, II’ll go upstairs. If-if you get me something from the car. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building. +RACHEL: All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake. +RACHEL: Oh, y’know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it wasn’t just me. We had a club! +RACHEL: You had a club?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner. +RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine. +NOTFRIEND: How do you feel? +RACHEL: I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don’t want to make. Somebody just take this away from me! +NOTFRIEND: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs. +RACHEL:! Can I see it? +NOTFRIEND: Ohh. +RACHEL: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. I’m just gonna grab a couple of these. +NOTFRIEND: You didn't. +RACHEL: Oh, I am sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess! +RACHEL: Oh honey thank God you’re home, I was getting worried. +NOTFRIEND: Right. +RACHEL: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend? +NOTFRIEND: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship. +RACHEL: Oh, what a line. +NOTFRIEND: No no no no no no no no no. +RACHEL: Well, now, wait a second. Who did I just put as my In case of emergency call person? +NOTFRIEND: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that II'm supposed to seize! Y'know? +RACHEL: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff. +NOTFRIEND: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab. +RACHEL: Oh, I cannot believe it! +NOTFRIEND: Tomorrow night. +RACHEL: Monica, what are you doing? +NOTFRIEND: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? +RACHEL: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny. +NOTFRIEND: Here let me. +RACHEL: Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I, hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it! +RACHEL: I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You're a different person. +NOTFRIEND: Good. Maybe he can switch it back. Maybe not. +RACHEL: Uh, yeah, uh, hold on a second. Let me see if she's here. It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. Oh, god, what do we do, what do we do? +NOTFRIEND: The point is I. I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. +RACHEL: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Two. +RACHEL: I had one glass. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what were you gonna say? +RACHEL: Well I was gonna tell him that I’mI’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants. +NOTFRIEND: Fair enough. +RACHEL: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. So there you go, you got, you got courage, you got integrity, you got courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr. +NOTFRIEND: You didn't read this one either?! +RACHEL: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Why?! +RACHEL: Because I was sad. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I. +RACHEL: But I told you, I didn't have the time! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot! +RACHEL: And I’m one of them! Oh, I just cannot believe this! +NOTFRIEND: I'll see you in the morning. +RACHEL: Mhm-mh! +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver. +RACHEL: Emma's awake. +NOTFRIEND: And what did she say? +RACHEL: She said gleba! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. +NOTFRIEND: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy. +RACHEL: Phoebe's dead. +NOTFRIEND: What? You do? You do? Oh my God! +RACHEL: Don’t say, Oh my God! Oh my God what? +NOTFRIEND: Madame, if you don't have your boarding pass. +RACHEL: I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can't find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that's my bra-size. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it. +RACHEL: Well I've had it. +NOTFRIEND: Yes. +RACHEL: You're not asking me, are you? +NOTFRIEND: Oh nice tan! +RACHEL: I had just gone to the beach that weekend. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just…I just—I gotta change my pants. Jeans have no give. +RACHEL: Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, Dear Rach, you’re such a good person. Not girl! Person! +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people. +RACHEL: Will you take my place? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. +RACHEL: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: I’m sorry daddy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, you can’t even see where the Titanic hit it. +RACHEL: Yes, his name is Barry, he’s a doctor, thank you very much. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, it was! +RACHEL: No, it wasn't. It was actually the. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, great! Thanks! +RACHEL: Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing—Oh! Take her dancing! +NOTFRIEND: Yowzah! +RACHEL: O-kay! See what you did, I’m gonna be doing it by myself now. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, Rach, knock knock. +RACHEL: Who's there? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I know what's the matter with me. +RACHEL: No, I mean with us, you know. I mean, is it supposed to be this, difficult? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this. +RACHEL: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday. +NOTFRIEND: So, how did you propose? +RACHEL: That’s a great story. +NOTFRIEND: For the sixteenth time, no. I do not think you're obsessive. +RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here. +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. +NOTFRIEND: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true? +RACHEL: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! It's me. +RACHEL: Oh, I'm so glad you called. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Really nice to meet you, and we'll call you. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways! +RACHEL: Do we have to tell her? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever. +RACHEL: Did I miss it? Did I miss it? +NOTFRIEND: Could I play? +RACHEL: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag? +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: And if you need anything else, I--do not believe we've met. I'm uh Rachel Green. I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain? +RACHEL: Phoebe look, it’s Ross and that girl. +NOTFRIEND: This might be my one chance to have a baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer. +RACHEL: What carrer? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too. +RACHEL: Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry. +NOTFRIEND: How-how did that happen? +RACHEL: II thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. +NOTFRIEND: Is it back in the cage? +RACHEL: Its back in cage! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! Hey Rach, how you doin'? +RACHEL: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'? +NOTFRIEND: We have a winner! +RACHEL: Huh, I ve just never, had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where, where you have to have somebody right there in the middle of a theme park. +NOTFRIEND: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting. +RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job. +NOTFRIEND: What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything! +RACHEL: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o’clock position. +NOTFRIEND: We’re having a baby. +RACHEL: I didn’t uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to. +NOTFRIEND: Is that gal pal spelled LOSER? +RACHEL: Okay, don’t listen to him. +NOTFRIEND: And um. You look nice today. +RACHEL: No Ross, don’t do this. +NOTFRIEND: Shake it! +RACHEL: Shake it! +NOTFRIEND: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team. +RACHEL: Well, isn't that gonna be weird? +NOTFRIEND: Uh. To name a few. You know. You know. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me? +RACHEL: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him! +NOTFRIEND: You sold me out. +RACHEL: I did not sell you out. +NOTFRIEND: It’s yours! +RACHEL: Yeah well, I’mI’m a slut. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade! +RACHEL: He still hasn't called. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. +NOTFRIEND: That's great! +RACHEL: Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career. You gotta get out there. +NOTFRIEND: NO BIG DEAL! +RACHEL: It's so not a big deal! +NOTFRIEND: rache, come on, look, I know how you must feel. +RACHEL: Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you. +NOTFRIEND: Trick or treat! +RACHEL: Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I’m with you. He even asked me if I thought you’d go out with him. +RACHEL: Oh, I think I’m gonna throw up a little bit. +NOTFRIEND: Look, we’re just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid? +RACHEL: Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I’m never gonna find anything. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again. +RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to. +NOTFRIEND: I know. Where do you wanna go eat? +RACHEL: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place. +NOTFRIEND: No, I haven't seen him. +RACHEL: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him? +NOTFRIEND: Did you really hear a bear? +RACHEL: Go-go! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job? +NOTFRIEND: Sure, what’s up? +RACHEL: I meant Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: You lied to me! +RACHEL: Well, she told me too! +NOTFRIEND: How ‘bout just a boom? +RACHEL: Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, I need to borrow. You’re not packed! You’re not packed even a little bit! +RACHEL: Surprise! +NOTFRIEND: It's a diaper commercial. +RACHEL: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something! +RACHEL: The wires have come loose in your head! +NOTFRIEND: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym. +RACHEL: I, I didn't say any. I sw. I did not say anything, I swear. +NOTFRIEND: So uh. I guess I wanna take off. +RACHEL: Hey listen, just before you go II again, I just wanna say thank you for coming with me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin. +RACHEL: We would like to talk to you for a second. +NOTFRIEND: Why not? +RACHEL: Because I lose her stuff! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Eh, I’m just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don’t want to get back together over a machine. +NOTFRIEND: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. +RACHEL: Pheebs, I, there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. +RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him? +NOTFRIEND: Yes! See you and I have always been like, +RACHEL: Oh, hey, do you need help with that? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness? +RACHEL: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they? +NOTFRIEND: Ahh. +RACHEL: Ohh, kids love me. +NOTFRIEND: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, rweee! +RACHEL: We could put a hat on his head. +NOTFRIEND: Really?! Hey, y’know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here’s-here’s 60 bucks, why don’t you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff. +RACHEL: Y’know what? I don’t, I don’t think Phoebe really wants to come. +NOTFRIEND: Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but. +RACHEL: We feel so terrible about this, Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing! +NOTFRIEND: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti. +RACHEL: Would you guys stop. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, someone order a coat? +RACHEL: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see. +NOTFRIEND: We are moving along, just slowly. Don’t worry, you’re doing great. I’ll be back soon. +RACHEL: Hey, y’know what? I’m not waiting! I’m gonna push this baby out! I’m doing it! I mean it’s what? Three centimeters? That’s gotta be like this! +NOTFRIEND: You can’t do anything! +RACHEL: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes! +NOTFRIEND: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town. +RACHEL: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground. +NOTFRIEND: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. +RACHEL: Just a bug. +NOTFRIEND: All right, everybody open them! +RACHEL: Oh wow this is so beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: has your girlfriend got the butt? +NOTFRIEND: Good! Great! You can go first. +RACHEL: Uh well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen. +NOTFRIEND: Well I don’t know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. With your permission. +RACHEL: Yeah that would really be great. +NOTFRIEND: No, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot. +RACHEL: Well someone was supposed to write Rache, take down the lights and put it on the refrigerator. How long has that been there? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Did uh, Ross call? +NOTFRIEND: Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file? +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm. +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me. +RACHEL: You guys are gonna be so happy! +NOTFRIEND: Great. You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren? +RACHEL: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe. +NOTFRIEND: I can't do that. +RACHEL: Sure, you know what? Come on, we'll just tell them that there was. +NOTFRIEND: Do you want me to check again? +RACHEL: Well yeah, I wish that you would. Well, no it’s not in there! How about that drawer? +NOTFRIEND: Yes you did. You absolutely sold me. +RACHEL: Would you let me talk. +NOTFRIEND: II’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! Oh, there you are. Umm, so listen, just call me. Here’s my card. +RACHEL: Oh, wow thanks! Oh you’re in real estate! +NOTFRIEND: How's that coffee comin,' dear? +RACHEL: Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: You think about stuff like that? +NOTFRIEND: Look, I'll just give you this and go. +RACHEL: Oh, you bought me a present! +NOTFRIEND: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling? +RACHEL: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it’s all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don’t have that lamp! +RACHEL: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross. +NOTFRIEND: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him help him? +RACHEL: I don't think he's the one who needs help. +NOTFRIEND: gets interrupted! Hi! +RACHEL: Hey guys, how was the movie? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it's perfect. +RACHEL: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! Okay, let’s scidaddle. +RACHEL: Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee. +NOTFRIEND: Yay! +RACHEL: Well what are we going to do? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great! +NOTFRIEND: E-except, except that what? +RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that. +NOTFRIEND: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat. +RACHEL: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess now we can't go. +RACHEL: Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together? +NOTFRIEND: Mmm. +RACHEL: I should be happy for them. I'm happy for them. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me! +RACHEL: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?! +NOTFRIEND: Uh-oh, busted! +RACHEL: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters! +NOTFRIEND: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute? +RACHEL: Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anything, minute. Abort the plan, abort the plan. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry? +RACHEL: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't, you know, throw 'em under a bus or something? +NOTFRIEND: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina! +RACHEL: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, okay. +RACHEL: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you're not gonna be the one. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry your husband cheated on you. +RACHEL: I’m sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren’t that great either. +NOTFRIEND: And she wants to go hunting, too! +RACHEL: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! +NOTFRIEND: I do it every year. +RACHEL: You do that every year? +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: I hate when Ross is right! +NOTFRIEND: Sure what kind? +RACHEL: Umm let me think. What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t. +NOTFRIEND: Sorry. +RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, how you doin’? +RACHEL: Don’t! Honey, what are you doing here?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Say, what’s your favourite thing about summer? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rachel. +RACHEL: Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. +NOTFRIEND: No thanks, I’ve already seen one. +RACHEL: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: It won't come off! +NOTFRIEND: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. +RACHEL: Wow, I love those! Where did you get them? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, and then lunch. +RACHEL: Oh, wait yes, but I can’t eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned. +NOTFRIEND: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to. +RACHEL: Of course, I know that! I meant y’know are you still a ‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’ +NOTFRIEND: Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that. +RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding? +NOTFRIEND: Would you excuse us for a second? Umm…. what are you doing? +RACHEL: I’m not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing. +NOTFRIEND: I’m not telling, you’ll have to see it on TV! +RACHEL: You don’t know do you? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Did Chandler show up yet? +RACHEL: Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine. +NOTFRIEND: What a great apology! And you accept! Okay, bye-bye! +RACHEL: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about? +NOTFRIEND: Momentary lapse. Don’t-don’t you have any self-control? +RACHEL: Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Obviously, and he’s British. +RACHEL: Oh, I was just gonna ask! +NOTFRIEND: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff. +RACHEL: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all. +NOTFRIEND: Many are scheduled to appear. +RACHEL: I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous! +NOTFRIEND: Fine. +RACHEL: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor. +RACHEL: I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, bye-bye. +RACHEL: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people. +NOTFRIEND: No, Rach, I should’ve told you sooner. It’s just that…Man! That kid is going to town! +RACHEL: She’s perfect. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: She-she died Jill. +NOTFRIEND: I thought you hated him? +RACHEL: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line is a scarf! +NOTFRIEND: So do I. Okay Rach, before anything happens I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of Us. Okay? I just want this to be about what it is! +RACHEL: And um, what-what is that Ross? +NOTFRIEND: You know on second thoughts gum would be perfection! Gum would be perfection, GUM would be perfection, coulda said gum would be nice, could of said I ll have a stick, but no no no no for me, GUM is PERFECTION!'. I loathe my-self. +RACHEL: Oh, no the Melons, they hate all living things! +NOTFRIEND: No, you don't. +RACHEL: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. +RACHEL: Hey, guys, what's up. +NOTFRIEND: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime. +RACHEL: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y’know, start the heeling process? +NOTFRIEND: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. +RACHEL: I'll get her. +NOTFRIEND: Can you? +RACHEL: Ah, all right. Here's to Ross! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police. +RACHEL: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? I have a crush on you I am attracted to you. Gee, II know that I freaked him out. +NOTFRIEND: What do you got there? +RACHEL: Oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. Do you want some? +NOTFRIEND: Then why would you say that?! +RACHEL: Because, I wanted to hurt you. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay? +RACHEL: Well, I'd have to say gay. +NOTFRIEND: That’s correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? +RACHEL: Check if it’s wet, check if it’s hungry, burp it! +NOTFRIEND: Hi Jill. +RACHEL: And that’s Phoebe, and that’s Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Did you shop?! +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Don't touch my coat! +NOTFRIEND: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller. +RACHEL: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here. +NOTFRIEND: What?! Why?! +RACHEL: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn’t be awkward! +NOTFRIEND: All right, I guess this will be fine. +RACHEL: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight? +NOTFRIEND: Did you like me when we first met? +RACHEL: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. +NOTFRIEND: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to? +RACHEL: Oh, not much. II got a job. +NOTFRIEND: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors? +RACHEL: Oh, you're so sexy! +NOTFRIEND: What? What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you. +RACHEL: We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me! +NOTFRIEND: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that. +RACHEL: Oh look, she’s pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? She looks scared. Doesn’t she look scared? +NOTFRIEND: Uh, boat rope. +RACHEL: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up? +NOTFRIEND: You’re not dressed yet?! We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes! +RACHEL: Well and clearly not a minute sooner. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? +RACHEL: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know if it’s true. +RACHEL: Oh b-b-but it is! +NOTFRIEND: I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people. +RACHEL: Good-good, don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Just have him call me okay? +NOTFRIEND: Yes. +RACHEL: You didn't get one. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what happened to you? +RACHEL: Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt like hangin' out here and reading. +NOTFRIEND: No! It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Ugh, I get mad at him, but I think it's a little to soon to show my true colors. +RACHEL: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. Which one of us should go to dinner? +NOTFRIEND: Waitressing? +RACHEL: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I, um. I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh, and I, uh. I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase. Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies. +NOTFRIEND: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery. Hey Rach, so uh, how did your thing go? +RACHEL: Oh it, good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days. +NOTFRIEND: YOU DID NOT! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s not good. +RACHEL: Well, I. +NOTFRIEND: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! +RACHEL: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us. +NOTFRIEND: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time. +RACHEL: I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing! +NOTFRIEND: How long is this gonna take? 'Cause I got another critic to go yell at. +RACHEL: I wanna talk about that interview. +NOTFRIEND: You don't mind? Well, what do you know, it fits! +RACHEL: See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time? +NOTFRIEND: Are you okay? +RACHEL: I need some milk. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money. +NOTFRIEND: You can do the presentation. +RACHEL: No, I can't, I have a baby. +NOTFRIEND: Great. I feel like an idiot. +RACHEL: No, it's okay, you didn't know. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. +RACHEL: I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, get out of here! +RACHEL: So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. But these are the three that Monica pre-approved. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment? +NOTFRIEND: Uh Dad, Emma’s in the nursery. I’ll take you now. If you want, but I really want to talk to you. +RACHEL: I know, I still need to talk to you. +NOTFRIEND: What?! While she’s been going through this hell, you’ve been making money?! You’re betting on your friend staying in this misery?! +RACHEL: I’ll take that bet. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Okay! Okay! +RACHEL:! Get in the front! +NOTFRIEND: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart. +RACHEL: Sandy, that's exactly what it is. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale's? +NOTFRIEND: Oh sure, Ross will do it! It's not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own. +RACHEL: We'll ask Phoebe. +NOTFRIEND: It’s not something you are! It’s something you have! +RACHEL: Say it! +NOTFRIEND: Do you think he’ll ever forgive me? +RACHEL: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself! +NOTFRIEND: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me! +RACHEL: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that. +NOTFRIEND: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! Y’know what I wanted to be when I was that age? +RACHEL: A lover? +NOTFRIEND: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. +RACHEL: Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason. +RACHEL: Ohhh, OK. +NOTFRIEND: Will you call him? +RACHEL: I left my wallet here on purpose. Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I'm glad. Rachel, I'd like to say something to you. How you doin'? +NOTFRIEND: How do you think she's doing? +RACHEL: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? +NOTFRIEND: But I won t. +RACHEL: God, the first time he smiled, at me, those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Burmuda with Barry. +NOTFRIEND: A PlayDough Barber Shop? +RACHEL: She’s going to live with us for eight weeks. +NOTFRIEND: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, YOU-apostropheRE means 'you are,' YOUR means 'your!' +RACHEL: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over! +NOTFRIEND: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at bigger rocks. Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet? +RACHEL: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident. +RACHEL: Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet. +NOTFRIEND: Hopefully. +RACHEL: I gotta go, I gotta date, with a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really uh, have a really good night and you two have a uh, have a uh, really good cat. OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave. +NOTFRIEND: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, I'm over you. +RACHEL: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel, woo. +NOTFRIEND: What’s the matter? +RACHEL: Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! That guy’s all right! +RACHEL: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey. +NOTFRIEND: They didn't fight a lot? +RACHEL: They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems? +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: Oh wait-wait-wait! Don’t go in there! Don’t go in there! I need another soda! +NOTFRIEND: Right. +RACHEL: Hold on a second she's right here! +NOTFRIEND: Her ankle is what you’re watching? +RACHEL: Well it’s hard to tell. Oh God, if she would just stop moving. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Feel free to look, but I’m telling you those contracts are not on this desk. +RACHEL: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I’m talking about! You have to be organized! You’ve got newspapers! You’ve got magazines! You got. And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Well, I, kinda, kind of lost him. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie! +RACHEL: That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is! +NOTFRIEND: What is with your nose? +RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum. +NOTFRIEND: You, you go long. +RACHEL: Wait, how long? +NOTFRIEND: It's not a word! +RACHEL: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! My breasts are really strong. +RACHEL: Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. Now I know why. +NOTFRIEND: I can't say. +RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys. +NOTFRIEND: Nope! That never happened to me! +RACHEL: Well, you’re lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. The rest of you life, y’know? Any regrets? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go I’m late for work. +RACHEL: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?! +NOTFRIEND: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend. +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, Nice try. +NOTFRIEND: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us? +RACHEL: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory! +NOTFRIEND: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there? +RACHEL: No-no-no, no, honey please, I've got, I've just have so much to deal with. +NOTFRIEND: Then why did it have the word eternity in it? +RACHEL: Okay Monica, did you know about this?! +NOTFRIEND: These are her earrings. +RACHEL: You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone. +RACHEL: I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah I can! And don’t think I don’t, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! +RACHEL: You’ve, you’ve done it right? +NOTFRIEND: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore. +RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night? +NOTFRIEND: No thanks. I'm 29. +RACHEL: Oh my God, I gotta go to work! +NOTFRIEND: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she? +RACHEL: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend. +NOTFRIEND: In Human Resources! +RACHEL: I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really. Honest, Rach? +RACHEL: Well, believe it or not, it's true. When Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody else! +NOTFRIEND: So? What if they do? +RACHEL: Well, we're not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b, baby and a Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4 +RACHEL: 3-2-1 oh! +NOTFRIEND: Ok. +RACHEL: whoo, ok, wow, ok. +NOTFRIEND: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience! +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: So what'd he say? +RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward. +RACHEL: You would do that? I never get picked! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uh—Oh look! Here’s a baby monitor, which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh? +RACHEL: You’re so sweet. And you gave the baby Hugsy! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. Okay, I said that out loud right? +NOTFRIEND: E! +RACHEL: Gimme an ‘M!’ +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce. +RACHEL: Well, congratulations, so do you love her? +NOTFRIEND: 32. +RACHEL: Why don’t you guys do something?! +NOTFRIEND: Bye! +RACHEL: Bye you guys! +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here. +RACHEL: No, I think it’s very obvious who’s wrong here. +NOTFRIEND: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together. +RACHEL: My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? +RACHEL: Ohh we’re not sailing. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Chantal! +RACHEL: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, II really do. Hey! This-this was a gift?! +RACHEL: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop. +NOTFRIEND: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship. +RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica. +NOTFRIEND: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh? +RACHEL: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe? +RACHEL: I know, I know I'm a pathetic loser. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I just I don’t think us getting back together is a good idea. +NOTFRIEND: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! If you're gonna get all sensitive about it! I don't want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I'll make you an assistant buyer in this department. +RACHEL: Say more things like that. +NOTFRIEND: Didn't it like totally speak to you? +RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this? +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla. +RACHEL: Vanilla?! +NOTFRIEND: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? +RACHEL: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. +NOTFRIEND: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. +RACHEL: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue. +NOTFRIEND: You have some life here, sweetie. +RACHEL: And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know? +NOTFRIEND: Well-well but it is huge. +RACHEL: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father. +NOTFRIEND: I know. I know, what’s her number? +RACHEL: I don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, good! +RACHEL: Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry. +NOTFRIEND: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! I mean, he's nice, he's cute. +RACHEL: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: How was the game? +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah right! +RACHEL: We have to fix this! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Mon. +RACHEL: Mon, Ethan called again. +NOTFRIEND: I was saving you. +RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me? +NOTFRIEND: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here. +RACHEL: Lucky me! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died! +NOTFRIEND: Ross! +RACHEL: What in heaven’s name are you doing here? +NOTFRIEND: About what? +RACHEL: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, all right. +RACHEL: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married! +NOTFRIEND: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It’s how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me. +RACHEL: Well, that would’ve been very hard to say no too. +NOTFRIEND: Tag Jones. +RACHEL: Uh-huh, go on. +NOTFRIEND: Right where we've been looking all night! +RACHEL: He is so cute! +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no, I’m serious. You don’t smell it? Something’s on fire. +RACHEL: Well no, I don’t smell anything. +NOTFRIEND: It worked! +RACHEL: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly. It’s just, there is nothing! The city’s full! +NOTFRIEND: Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants! +RACHEL: I think they're very nice. +NOTFRIEND: Did she look 16? +RACHEL: Ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually. +NOTFRIEND: Would you like to spend the night in jail? +RACHEL: And thank you for your time. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Whoa, wait! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside? +RACHEL: You wanted me to take them down, so I'm takin' 'em down. +NOTFRIEND: Come on! +RACHEL: Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, Busty Ladies? +NOTFRIEND: I thought I broke Joey’s chair! That’s why I replaced it with mine! +RACHEL: That’s how it got fixed! +NOTFRIEND: That's the surprise! +RACHEL: You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine! +NOTFRIEND: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy. +RACHEL: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. It was nice to see you. +RACHEL: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you fogged Danny. +RACHEL: We did not fog Danny! +NOTFRIEND: No, that landed in your food! +RACHEL: No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad! +NOTFRIEND: And thank you, for that. +RACHEL: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, where is everybody? +RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. +RACHEL: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it. +NOTFRIEND: You don't have any stuff. +RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? +NOTFRIEND: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law? +RACHEL: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross? +NOTFRIEND: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place! +RACHEL: I was sending you signals? +NOTFRIEND: I knew that! I sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces. +RACHEL: What’s up? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, thanks. +RACHEL: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me. +NOTFRIEND: So. I've never played that! +RACHEL: Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before? +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! +RACHEL: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Don’t be a baby! +RACHEL: Well I… +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know, I hardly ever say that about people. +RACHEL: Ohh, well, this is just perfect! +NOTFRIEND: So apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore. Do you see what I see? +RACHEL: Its still there! +NOTFRIEND: Well, that could take a while. +RACHEL: I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie? +NOTFRIEND: I understand. +RACHEL: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. +NOTFRIEND: I thought you didn't smoke. +RACHEL: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, Wow, those guys are crazy! But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time. +NOTFRIEND: I can’t have any. You know I don’t eat meat. Ohhh no. +RACHEL: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I’m telling ya. Okay all right, so now you go. +RACHEL: No, I don’t want to tell you. +NOTFRIEND: Me too! +RACHEL: Who would, who would you marry? +NOTFRIEND: But I didn't. +RACHEL: Well, you should have. +NOTFRIEND: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird? +RACHEL: Well, because of us! Because of our history. +NOTFRIEND: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in! Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirl pool that fills the apartment. +RACHEL: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it doesn't matter. Hey, y'know what, I've got two tickets to tonight's Rangers game, you wanna come with me? +RACHEL: Cute guys in little shorts? +NOTFRIEND: Find out what they want. +RACHEL: No, you do it. +NOTFRIEND: No no no no. +RACHEL: Impressive. +NOTFRIEND: Well believe it baby! +RACHEL: Well III'm not moving. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know-thanks! +RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here. +NOTFRIEND: Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. Hello, Jennifer? Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? Oh, she’s not home huh? Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. +RACHEL: So who’s idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates? +NOTFRIEND: You're kicking me out? +RACHEL: You put holes in my baby's ears! +NOTFRIEND: And! Break! +RACHEL: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room. +NOTFRIEND: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? +RACHEL: Oooohh that's interesting. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here. +NOTFRIEND: That makes sense! +RACHEL: And the video camera? +NOTFRIEND: Like what? +RACHEL: Y’know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? Tag! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today! +NOTFRIEND: I know, me too. It was. You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it's everything you want it to be. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. +NOTFRIEND: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well! +RACHEL: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?! +NOTFRIEND: What the hell are you doin'? +RACHEL: I don't know, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know. I mean, aren't you just a, little curious, what that would be like?. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You’ll—you’re gonna pick it up. Hey! You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember? +RACHEL: I hope you’re going somewhere with this. +NOTFRIEND: What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the labor department down her so fast they won't even. +RACHEL: Alright, alright. They didn't actually say that. I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to squeeze me out. +NOTFRIEND: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! +RACHEL: Will you stop calling it your apartment! +NOTFRIEND: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash. +RACHEL: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM? +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Then what? What do you want? +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie that’s it. +RACHEL: That’s it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: So, what? That's it? +RACHEL: We're cool. Totally cool. +NOTFRIEND: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen. +RACHEL: I’m miserable here! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me. +NOTFRIEND: Are you jealous? +RACHEL: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own? +NOTFRIEND: Uh, no, no, see, because not not all guys are going to be a Paolo. +RACHEL: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one. +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something? +RACHEL: Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it’s time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean don’t�� you think? +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes, that's right. +RACHEL: Oh, look at the little cat! Look at it! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, way, way better than Mindy. +RACHEL: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy? +NOTFRIEND: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over? +RACHEL: You just said it! +NOTFRIEND: That's romantic. +RACHEL: C'mon touch it. +NOTFRIEND: You know, this, this is classic Rachel. +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah right. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby? +NOTFRIEND: Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up, and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't. And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me. +RACHEL: Joey, you never, you never talked about that before. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece! +RACHEL:! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying? I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions. +NOTFRIEND: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger? +RACHEL: I mean, what brought that on? +NOTFRIEND: Actually the wet season is June to December. +RACHEL: It's not the time Charlie. +NOTFRIEND: I’m falling in love with you. +RACHEL: Who are you talking too? Oh, you’re kidding! Oh, it’s a joke! It’s funny. It’s funny. I don’t get it. Umm… II…uh, wow. Are you uh… How did umm… When? +NOTFRIEND: Uhm, right! +RACHEL: It's kinda hard though! +NOTFRIEND: We got some VapORub in some places. +RACHEL: Oh, he brought her back to his apartment. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, but what's the big deal, you know? This is special, and I want our love to grow, before we move to the next level. +RACHEL: Chandler, that is so nice. +NOTFRIEND: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job? +RACHEL: Oh Gosh! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Yeah. You know, now that you kicked the sign, hey, I don't miss Marcel any more! +RACHEL: It's not like I did this on purpose. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see! +RACHEL: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! When you're, and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth! +NOTFRIEND: Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns. +RACHEL: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday? +NOTFRIEND: is for me not to see you anymore. +RACHEL: What are you going to tell her? Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you? +NOTFRIEND: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby…I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase. +RACHEL: Well, as long as we are clear about that. +NOTFRIEND: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times! +RACHEL: Oh my-ugh! You kept count?! You are such a loser! +NOTFRIEND: Well why not?! She’ll-she’ll love it! It’s the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn. +RACHEL: I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she’s gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original. +NOTFRIEND: When are you coming home? +RACHEL: Guys, I'm not. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: What about you honey, who would be on your list? +NOTFRIEND: Naa. +RACHEL: C'mon, talk to me. +NOTFRIEND: We don't, really. +RACHEL: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor. +RACHEL: I really hope it’s you! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong! +RACHEL: There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey how’s it, how’s it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together? +NOTFRIEND: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! +RACHEL: What bank is this? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, your roommate is a soap opera star. +RACHEL: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen. +RACHEL: Honey what would I do without you? +NOTFRIEND: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend! +RACHEL: Oh that’s right! I’m sorry! II am early! Finish! +NOTFRIEND: Well you did a little bit. +RACHEL: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry! +NOTFRIEND: C'mon. +RACHEL: OK, that's dead right? +NOTFRIEND: OH! SON OF A BITCH! +RACHEL: What is the matter with us? +NOTFRIEND: Yes, exactly! +RACHEL: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: I’ll take a coffee. So how was your big date last night? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life? +NOTFRIEND: And boogie! +RACHEL: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched. +NOTFRIEND: Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again? +RACHEL: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining? +NOTFRIEND: Really? Wh-what's wrong? +RACHEL: I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know. I was watching this thing on TV this morning about. Newcastle disease, and I think I might have it! +NOTFRIEND: That’s true. +RACHEL: Honey I swear it we just kissed. +NOTFRIEND: This is so huge. +RACHEL: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding? +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, I can’t wait to hear your first words, I thought, There’s a trick. +RACHEL: Well, I gotta go you guys. I’ll see you later. +NOTFRIEND: Put the plates in the boxes! Put the plates in the boxes! +RACHEL: Did you just push me? +NOTFRIEND: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! +RACHEL: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'. +RACHEL: And all these people actually died? +NOTFRIEND: Well hey! What’s going on? Ooh, cool boat——Oh, no. Hey, did you, did you tell them? +RACHEL: No, I was waiting for you! +NOTFRIEND: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? +RACHEL: I think he's across the hall. +NOTFRIEND: Because he'll know what to do? Oh my God, you're a genius! +RACHEL: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though. +NOTFRIEND: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay. +RACHEL: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay, they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay? +NOTFRIEND: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after. +RACHEL: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she's always. +NOTFRIEND: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us? +RACHEL: Oh, ok, which one? +NOTFRIEND: You’re not gonna mess it up. +RACHEL: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter’s done? +NOTFRIEND: You wanna know wh? You wanna know why? +RACHEL: Well, this is going well. +NOTFRIEND: So we're a little late. +RACHEL: And, uh, by the way. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what's up? +RACHEL: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her. +NOTFRIEND: We were on a break! +RACHEL: Y'know Ross why don’t you put that on your answering machine! +NOTFRIEND: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever. +RACHEL: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. +NOTFRIEND: Wait, you guys, look! +RACHEL: Did her ass explode?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, no no no that's great! +RACHEL: Why-why aren't you more excited? +NOTFRIEND: What?! It is?! +RACHEL: It’s not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do that again. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. II can't watch. +RACHEL: What 'cha readin'? +NOTFRIEND: Why?! +RACHEL: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! +NOTFRIEND: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux. +RACHEL: Well, what are you going to wear? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I didn't know you guys hung out. +NOTFRIEND: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was something about maternity leave. +RACHEL: Yeah that-that would’ve been a much simpler problem. +NOTFRIEND: We're teeth people Zack! +RACHEL: Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and see if she heard. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know why you say that so soon. +RACHEL: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y’know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette. +NOTFRIEND: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point. +RACHEL: A moo-point? +NOTFRIEND: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it’s gonna be. +RACHEL: Maybe she hasn’t really thought it through that well. +NOTFRIEND: It’s Monica, open up! +RACHEL: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Rach? +RACHEL: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on. +NOTFRIEND: Oh hey, how'd the interview go? +RACHEL: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing! +NOTFRIEND: So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie? +RACHEL: She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her! +NOTFRIEND: Wow! Wow, You look, uh. It's just, ah. That dress, uh. +RACHEL: Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good. +NOTFRIEND: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don’t know what they are, but she’s fine. +RACHEL: Thank you doctor. Oh thank you for being so nice and calm. +NOTFRIEND: No. A break from us. +RACHEL: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break. +NOTFRIEND: Er. OK. Yeah. We can do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North East, I was, er, kinda wanted to run something by you. You know how we were, er, you know, talking before, about, er, relationships and stuff, well. +RACHEL: I cannot do this. +NOTFRIEND: Trying to date this woman. +RACHEL: But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm. +RACHEL: Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark. +NOTFRIEND: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm. +RACHEL: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn't up yet. Did you guys hear them last night? +NOTFRIEND: Sure. +RACHEL: Okay, um, I. All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you. +NOTFRIEND: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more. +RACHEL: I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What do you want? Do you want my blessing? +NOTFRIEND: I'm done now. +RACHEL: Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood. +NOTFRIEND: So uh, he seems like a nice guy. +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot. +NOTFRIEND: That is so made up! +RACHEL: Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it's perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. I got the interview! +NOTFRIEND: Won't-won't that take longer? +RACHEL: Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you’re funny. +RACHEL: I’m funny? Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh here—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that. +RACHEL: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend. +RACHEL: You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where they kept all the stuff to make their potions. +RACHEL: Ohh, yes. +NOTFRIEND: No but at Monica’s you can eat cookies over the sink! +RACHEL: I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you. +RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list. +NOTFRIEND: They're here already? How are they doing this? +RACHEL: Hi Tag! +NOTFRIEND: Is everything allright? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just, was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiancée and it was just sooo beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? Okay. +RACHEL: Don't say that I have no sentiment! This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! This is from the museum from the first time we were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter! +NOTFRIEND: Have a seat. Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here. +RACHEL: That’s so great! I’m so happy for you guys! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no. +RACHEL: Oh, I am so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his co-workers botched boob jobs, I would. +RACHEL: They were like this! +NOTFRIEND: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm I'm Monana! +RACHEL: Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. +NOTFRIEND: No really, you tell me what’s up. +RACHEL: II forgot my underwear. +NOTFRIEND: Don't touch my coat! +RACHEL: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. +NOTFRIEND: Yep. +RACHEL: I knew it, ahh…. +NOTFRIEND: Please. +RACHEL: Oh he's cute! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty. +RACHEL: But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25! +NOTFRIEND: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute? +RACHEL: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I’m gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: And y'know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you. +NOTFRIEND: Burning's good. +RACHEL: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn. +NOTFRIEND: You’re welcome. +RACHEL: Phoebe no! +NOTFRIEND: So did you ask him? +RACHEL: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet. +NOTFRIEND: You had a rough day, uh? +RACHEL: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick! +NOTFRIEND: See, I told you! +RACHEL: Looks, she’s a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya. +RACHEL: Oh and I’ll call ya too! +NOTFRIEND: What's happenin'? +RACHEL: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Huh! +RACHEL: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But, you already gave that to Monica, so. +NOTFRIEND: No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's not over yet. +RACHEL: Oh my God, is that Phoebe? +NOTFRIEND: Actually, it wasn’t that close. +RACHEL: Y’know what? You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous. We’re gonna flip a coin!! Heads! +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be. +RACHEL: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with. +NOTFRIEND: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time! +RACHEL: I've never given her a cookie. Have you? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, that was Mike. +RACHEL: Phoebe, hi, we're so sorry. You're totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration. +NOTFRIEND: What?. What? +RACHEL: Did you not get a good enough look the other day? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes. +RACHEL: I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal. +NOTFRIEND: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached? +RACHEL: Yeah-yeah, we never had that, +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think the next patient is very far along. +RACHEL: Okay, well then bring her in. +NOTFRIEND: Not really. +RACHEL: Uh, want something-want something to drink? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. +NOTFRIEND: Oh right, right. So, are you, ah, you excited about your, your first night away from Emma? +RACHEL: Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. +RACHEL: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. +NOTFRIEND: I gave you one job! +RACHEL: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd, make myself omnipotent forever. +RACHEL: See, there's always one guy. If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes. +NOTFRIEND: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!' +RACHEL: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me? +NOTFRIEND: No way! +RACHEL: Well no brush! +NOTFRIEND: You don’t have it. +RACHEL: I have so got it. There’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know. +NOTFRIEND: So does-does Joey know you’re moving? +RACHEL: Well, I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book. +NOTFRIEND: Do you feel better? +RACHEL: No, not really. You’re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. +NOTFRIEND: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something. +RACHEL: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom? +NOTFRIEND: What the hell is going on?! +RACHEL: We took our apartment back! +NOTFRIEND: GREAT! +RACHEL: Wow, this is so cool you guys, the entire city is blacked out. +NOTFRIEND: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant? +RACHEL: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass? +NOTFRIEND: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him? +RACHEL: I mean, that was pretty intense. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. +RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. +NOTFRIEND: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat. +RACHEL: Yeah, you do. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! I'll just call her back. +RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have. +NOTFRIEND: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay…Mermen. +RACHEL: Will, right? +NOTFRIEND: But you said one. +RACHEL: I meant, me plus one! +NOTFRIEND: What are we gonna do? I'm starving. +RACHEL: Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: So, how are the elves? +NOTFRIEND: Hello? +RACHEL: Surprise! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love and that'd be it?. +NOTFRIEND: Why? +RACHEL: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for. +NOTFRIEND: What? Who the hell is Emily, noooo! +RACHEL: They're in Vermont! How could this happen?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center? +RACHEL: I love that thing. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married? +RACHEL: Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross! +NOTFRIEND: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up. +RACHEL: Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I-Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you? +NOTFRIEND: No! You re clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging! +RACHEL: I m sorry. I didn t, I don t come in here a lot. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party. +RACHEL: All right, bye-bye. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh. +RACHEL: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my goodness! You haven't heard! +RACHEL: Heard what? +NOTFRIEND: What if I asked? +RACHEL: Oh, Mon. +NOTFRIEND: You’re welcome. +RACHEL: I can’t believe that’s our baby. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that. +NOTFRIEND: Surprise! +RACHEL:!! My birthday's not for another month! +NOTFRIEND: But er, I don t think that s gonna be you. +RACHEL: You don t? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Excuse me, there was no time! +NOTFRIEND: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! +RACHEL: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, III at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us? +NOTFRIEND: I swear you said you had the keys. +RACHEL: I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It's just so frustrating! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, ehm. I'm. I'm rehearsing my lines. They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good! +RACHEL: Woow! I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog! +NOTFRIEND: Are you really pregnant? +RACHEL: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah. +NOTFRIEND: No, no. Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, you know, you, you, you were great. Hey, we, er, we still have that, er, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for something grape? +RACHEL: That'll be good. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Y’know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood. +NOTFRIEND: Technically, huh, no. +RACHEL: Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah, what is it? +RACHEL: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! +NOTFRIEND: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? +RACHEL: Well, II don’t like it. +NOTFRIEND: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times? Huh? I haven't cried that many times since I moved in. +RACHEL: Look, Ross, he's just. Sandy is just sensitive, that's all. +NOTFRIEND: No! Look-look! There’s the coffee table they stole from us! +RACHEL: Ugh, those bastards! Let’s go. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know I blame Ross for this. +RACHEL: I do too a little bit. +NOTFRIEND: Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? All right, I’mI’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? About paleontology. All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’mI’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression. +RACHEL:! I am still your wife! What, were you just never gonna tell me?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Ugh, I could just kill you! +NOTFRIEND: What's tonight? +RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date. +NOTFRIEND: Ross! So when is it gonna air? +RACHEL: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet. +NOTFRIEND: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him. +RACHEL: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter. +NOTFRIEND: I uhm. Well, I sang, well actually I rapped. Baby. +RACHEL: You WHAT? You sang, to our baby daughter, a song about a guy who. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there. +RACHEL: Your parents’? +NOTFRIEND: I know why! +RACHEL: No you don’t know why! +NOTFRIEND: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She’s yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald. +RACHEL: That’s fine. +NOTFRIEND: But. +RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! Well, what did you find out? +NOTFRIEND: I'm done. +RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's. +NOTFRIEND: I'm shipping out tomorrow. +RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light. +NOTFRIEND: Mm, no. +RACHEL: Oh, well too late, sorry, you already had some. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment. +RACHEL: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks Phoebe! +RACHEL: But whatever. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my god. +RACHEL: She ran into him at my office and they just made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: You said girl! +NOTFRIEND: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. +RACHEL: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened! +NOTFRIEND: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him. +RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous. +NOTFRIEND: I’m loud! +RACHEL: It’s gonna be up all night! +NOTFRIEND: OK. It's his first time out, so he's probably gonna want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian tea-room. +RACHEL: Come on you guys. He's gonna be home any minute. He's gonna kill me. +NOTFRIEND: You had no right to go out with him. +RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh, that one! +RACHEL: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. Maybe that's him. +NOTFRIEND: I'm talkin'! +RACHEL: I can see that. I, just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone. +NOTFRIEND: No, I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you. +RACHEL: Joey, they’re my favorite. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation. +RACHEL: Are you breaking up with us? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Can you come here with me for a minute? +NOTFRIEND: All right boys, last chance for the tickets! +RACHEL: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, please, don't make a scene. +RACHEL: There's nobody here! +NOTFRIEND: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about-what? +RACHEL: You love her. +NOTFRIEND: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me. +RACHEL: Yeah but, he’s not your type. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: You heard them say that? +NOTFRIEND: That's terrible! I'm sorry! +RACHEL: Phoebe, are you okay? +NOTFRIEND: Pssst. +RACHEL: How, wha. What are you. Have you guys been listening this entire time? +NOTFRIEND: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We’re on a date. +RACHEL: So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves? +NOTFRIEND: So, Spock actually hugs his father? +RACHEL: Hey, do you guys have hi. +NOTFRIEND: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot. +RACHEL: Come on, just answer the question! +NOTFRIEND: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'. +RACHEL: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like. +NOTFRIEND: Am I interrupting? +RACHEL: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. I waI was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. +RACHEL: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?! +NOTFRIEND: Wh… wh…what? +RACHEL: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: Ok, ok, that's fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. Only 98.50 to go. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rachel! +RACHEL: Ahh, hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know, it’s interesting! Most people think that’s made with seawater, when in fact— +RACHEL: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together. +NOTFRIEND: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter. And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter. +RACHEL: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night? +RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous! +NOTFRIEND: Uh Rach. +RACHEL: Go get back on that case honey! +NOTFRIEND: Here? In the hall? What are we animals? +RACHEL: Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick? +NOTFRIEND: Sure, everybody loves a kidder. +RACHEL: I got the job! +NOTFRIEND: Do you know something? +RACHEL: Do you know something? +NOTFRIEND: Is uh, is Monica here? +RACHEL: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up? +NOTFRIEND: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all. +RACHEL: I didn’t! Even when I found out umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks? +RACHEL: I, I don't have it. +NOTFRIEND: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn't be right. I'm sorry.! +RACHEL: I shouldn't have said anything! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called Invisible things for Kathy. Can you give me a hand with all this stuff? +RACHEL: Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like, a regular pen. +NOTFRIEND: Oh that’s so sweet thanks. +RACHEL: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there. +NOTFRIEND: And by you. +RACHEL: Okay Bobby, why don’t we just come over here and let them have a little moment. +NOTFRIEND: What?! Give-give me a brush. +RACHEL: Gimme the keys! +NOTFRIEND: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. +RACHEL: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok? +NOTFRIEND: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It's amazing how she gets it right almost every time! +RACHEL: III of course, I have more responsibilities than that. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at who's more over who! +RACHEL: Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been? +NOTFRIEND: This, this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes, makes, delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even, butch, manly cookies with, with, you know with, with chunks. +RACHEL: Well, I, you know, III don't know what to say. I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle. +NOTFRIEND: Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine’s friends are dancers?! And that they’re going to be drinking alot!? +RACHEL: No, I did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic. +NOTFRIEND: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head. +RACHEL: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended. +RACHEL: Good luck, honey! +NOTFRIEND: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but. Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. +NOTFRIEND: Hey-hey, you’re startin’ to sound like the butcher’s wife there in-in chapter seven. +RACHEL: Oh, come on now, don’t keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you’re in for a rough ride! +NOTFRIEND: You’re looking! +RACHEL: I didn’t! +NOTFRIEND: Oh sure, come here! Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, it’s-it’s-it’s, it’s right there. +RACHEL: Oh, it’s beautiful. I see it now. +NOTFRIEND: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop. +RACHEL: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant. +NOTFRIEND: Ummmmm, no. +RACHEL: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don't tell the guy that! +NOTFRIEND: She lets you borrow them. +RACHEL: Yeah and you stretch ‘em out with your big old clown feet. +NOTFRIEND: And what are you laughing at, Miss My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is -stealing-from-me!' +RACHEL: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it! +NOTFRIEND: You, touching yourself, out! +RACHEL: She does that a lot! +NOTFRIEND: This is a great place. How long have you lived here? +RACHEL: I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago. +NOTFRIEND: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva! +RACHEL: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend. +NOTFRIEND: Ok. +RACHEL: Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating. +NOTFRIEND: Hello ja, it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole. +RACHEL: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. +NOTFRIEND: Pull my finger——My hand is messed up. +RACHEL: I am not gonna answer that! +NOTFRIEND: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum who's curator of moths and other, uh, winged things, who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a, well you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay but, uh, if this is the deal. +RACHEL: Well, yeah, this is the deal. +NOTFRIEND: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? +RACHEL: Don’t do that. +NOTFRIEND: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie. +RACHEL: Stevie the TV? +NOTFRIEND: Umm. Umm. Umm. I don't think so. +RACHEL:! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second? +NOTFRIEND: I could do that. +RACHEL: What are you playing with? +NOTFRIEND: JeanClaude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you. +RACHEL: And then JeanClaude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! All right! All right. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one will even notice her. +RACHEL: What’s-what’s going on? Phil’s really pissed! +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game! +NOTFRIEND: Well, it was the first time. You know, there's not always a lot of agreement on the first time. +RACHEL: Yeah, not for girls anyway. Guys agree like that. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: Oh I know, my God, this is so, this rice is so, I am so good. +NOTFRIEND: It still wouldn’t be clean. All I want is my freedom. +RACHEL: Foot rubs for a month! +NOTFRIEND: Duh, where've you been? +RACHEL: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, +NOTFRIEND: Hey, come on in. +RACHEL: Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh? +NOTFRIEND: Noooo. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself! +NOTFRIEND: No, listening! Sit! Y'know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk. +RACHEL: Yeah, come on! What's going in on in there? +NOTFRIEND: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card? +RACHEL: A card! A card! I pick a card! +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake. +RACHEL: Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: And you are a very funny clown. +NOTFRIEND: Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid. +RACHEL: You and me, alright? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, what's the gala for? +RACHEL: It's a uh, regatta gala. +NOTFRIEND: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing! +RACHEL: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what? +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news! +RACHEL: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies! +NOTFRIEND: What are you smiling at? +RACHEL: I'm sorry, I was just thinking you're day could still pick up. +NOTFRIEND: I hate that thing, it's like a, bolt of lightning. +RACHEL: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first.. +NOTFRIEND: You want a job? Turn off Oprah, and send out a resume! +RACHEL: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay? +NOTFRIEND: Did you go home and change? +RACHEL: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?! +RACHEL: What bra? +NOTFRIEND: What problem did you tell him you had? +RACHEL: Oh that’s not important. The point is, I really—I think everything’s gonna be okay. +NOTFRIEND: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine. +RACHEL: It’s the same story. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! Here. +RACHEL: Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there’s no turning back. +NOTFRIEND: Hello? +RACHEL: H-umm! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall. +NOTFRIEND: So? Congratulations you two, I didn’t even know you got married. +RACHEL: Oh we-we didn’t. +NOTFRIEND: I'll get back to my new job. +RACHEL: Congratulations on your new job. +NOTFRIEND: I was in charge of cups. +RACHEL: Oh, okay, not so weird. +NOTFRIEND: Why don't you come, I mean, II have two tickets, why not? +RACHEL: Well-well, I don't know Ross-really? +NOTFRIEND: Yes I would. +RACHEL: You’d be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me? +NOTFRIEND: Come here. +RACHEL: Oh, hey, don’t you have to go pick up Emily? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos! +RACHEL: Ohh, thank God! +NOTFRIEND: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend? +RACHEL: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you. +NOTFRIEND: Well, those were seals, man. +RACHEL: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer? +NOTFRIEND: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place? +RACHEL: Umm, y’know, II would really love to, but II shouldn’t. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine! +RACHEL: Not great. +NOTFRIEND: I don't have to tell you everything! +RACHEL: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage! +NOTFRIEND: Here. +RACHEL: God this is so stupid! How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: So, did you quit? +NOTFRIEND: What you don't think I'd go up to her? +RACHEL: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me. +NOTFRIEND: We’re sorry honey. +RACHEL: Oh, it’s okay. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Hey! +RACHEL: Well look who’s here! +NOTFRIEND: You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay. +RACHEL: Yeah, that's probably a good idea. +NOTFRIEND: What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300! +RACHEL: Well, I was gonna let you play with it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'. +RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you. +NOTFRIEND: Still no luck. +RACHEL: Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers! +NOTFRIEND: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um. +RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo. +NOTFRIEND: That’s my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt! +RACHEL: Well just ask Mona to give it back! +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe. +RACHEL:! Wait a but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup. +NOTFRIEND: We haven't eaten yet! +RACHEL: I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready, I just. +NOTFRIEND: You-you-you don't wanna give into the fear. +RACHEL: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe she cracked your code! +RACHEL: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she's still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think you do. +RACHEL: You didn’t propose to me. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. +RACHEL: Since when? +NOTFRIEND: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that? +RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. +NOTFRIEND: Monica’s right. We’re talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can’t just rush into this. +RACHEL: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian! +NOTFRIEND: What? What? +RACHEL: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: This is the best game ever! +RACHEL: So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you? +NOTFRIEND: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey? +RACHEL: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler! +NOTFRIEND: Anyone else? Huh? Bring ‘em on! +RACHEL: Oo! When’s her birthday?! +NOTFRIEND: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy? +RACHEL: It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just. +NOTFRIEND: This has been torn up. +RACHEL: And, taped back together. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Is this true? +RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. +NOTFRIEND: No. Just his mom. +RACHEL: Oh, around 8:30? +NOTFRIEND: It’s my new apothecary table! +RACHEL: Phoebe’s gonna be here any second, she cannot see this! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: So were you guys together a long time? +NOTFRIEND: Amazing, amazing. +RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, I’m sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I got some thoughts on that. +RACHEL: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks. +NOTFRIEND: It’s all everybody at the party could talk about! +RACHEL: Monica, y’know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options. +RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right? +NOTFRIEND: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that's right, that's right, it was you! +RACHEL: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment. +RACHEL: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks. +NOTFRIEND: Hi Ross. +RACHEL: I was just getting him to like you. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. I can make my pecs dance. I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks. I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame. +RACHEL: So maybe something in an office. +NOTFRIEND: Totally. +RACHEL: Ross, you don't seem okay. +NOTFRIEND: I know! I found it on the street. +RACHEL: Are you serious—Really?! It’s in such good condition. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, are too much! +RACHEL: I gotta tell ya IIII think you are the one who is too much. +NOTFRIEND: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic, basically just trying to stay awake. +RACHEL: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. +NOTFRIEND: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps. +RACHEL: Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is really cool. +NOTFRIEND: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon? +RACHEL: In the afternoon. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a PostIt on it that said, Must go out today. So you just keep looking in there! +NOTFRIEND: Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one! +RACHEL: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please. +NOTFRIEND: How've you been? +RACHEL: You remember Ross? +NOTFRIEND: How do Monica and Phoebe know? +RACHEL: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous or very stingy. +NOTFRIEND: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest. +RACHEL: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Don’t try to blue pin me! +NOTFRIEND: You sure?! +RACHEL: I got half a mind to contract that doctor’s uterus though. Mild discomfort, what’s he talking about? +NOTFRIEND: A date? +RACHEL: Is that weird for you? +NOTFRIEND: Kate Miller it is. +RACHEL: And, that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend. +NOTFRIEND: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. OK, this way is on, so this is, off. +RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator? +NOTFRIEND: We were playing a game. +RACHEL: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of situation? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed! +RACHEL: I think we're gonna take off too. +NOTFRIEND: Ross! +RACHEL: We should just switch. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I've got three of my five. +RACHEL: Three of your five, what? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean. +RACHEL: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it. +NOTFRIEND: Yes. +RACHEL: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I'm doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I'm doing something that I'm actually good at. if you don't get that. +NOTFRIEND: You can not do this. +RACHEL: Do what, do what? +NOTFRIEND: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius. +RACHEL: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper? +NOTFRIEND: You wanna work on your interview skills? +RACHEL: O-okay! +NOTFRIEND: And processing. +RACHEL: He carries a briefcase. +NOTFRIEND: Smile ladies. +RACHEL: Oh by the way? +NOTFRIEND: It’s no Ukrainian film. +RACHEL: Yeah—Ooh! Earrings! +NOTFRIEND: Whose is it? +RACHEL: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome. +NOTFRIEND: I - I can't believe I’m crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic. +RACHEL: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry. +NOTFRIEND: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel, with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. +RACHEL:: Step away from the crib, I have a weapon! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, really?! +RACHEL: Just, if it's possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy? +NOTFRIEND: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it. +RACHEL:! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care, as long as my mom’s here. +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap? +RACHEL: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't. +NOTFRIEND: I’d better go. Just over here: I don’t want to miss the fight. +RACHEL: Ross I’m so sorry. II will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail. +NOTFRIEND: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch. +RACHEL: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, II don't think we should be cranking anything up. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside? +RACHEL: Okay, I’m not your mother. +NOTFRIEND: Really?! I mean, really?! +RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public! +NOTFRIEND: Oh and they’re gonna have a baby. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm gonna kiss you. +RACHEL: Well you better. +NOTFRIEND: I was just leaving. +RACHEL: 'Cause I've got a product report to read, it's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big. +RACHEL: Well maybe he's just taking a nap. +NOTFRIEND: Such a pig! +RACHEL: Oh, God, he's such a pig, +NOTFRIEND: That’s not even a game! +RACHEL: We’re winning! +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: Okay, what’s your name? +NOTFRIEND: Not that great. It's almost if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly. +RACHEL: That's shocking! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me? +RACHEL: I didn't have to, because I was wearing my 'I heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my bell. +NOTFRIEND: DANGER! +RACHEL: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. +NOTFRIEND: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her? +RACHEL: Ask me what? +NOTFRIEND: I am the guy who’s taking care of our baby while you’re out at bars meeting guys! +RACHEL: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you. +NOTFRIEND: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? +RACHEL: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'! +NOTFRIEND: Shut up! +RACHEL: You shut up! +NOTFRIEND: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300. +RACHEL: So close! +NOTFRIEND: With who? +RACHEL: Ah, it’s still not the time. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Oh, God, Oh, thank god, you're okay. I'm so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. +NOTFRIEND: Any luck? +RACHEL: Can I see you in my office for a minute? +NOTFRIEND: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own. +RACHEL: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie. +NOTFRIEND: Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way jackass! Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway? +RACHEL: That isthe Coast Guard. +NOTFRIEND: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me. +RACHEL: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat so low? She can barely see. +RACHEL: Nah, I don't really want her to see. +NOTFRIEND: Listen umm, yeah okay, I need to talk to you! +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. +RACHEL: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread. +RACHEL: I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff. Who the hell are you!? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks. +RACHEL: Well why didn’t you take the job? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, here, here. There we go. +RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven t been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one. +NOTFRIEND: Are ya? +RACHEL: My due date is in one week! +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? +RACHEL: Well there’s yore. And uh, y’know, yesteryear. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel. +RACHEL: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit me job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend? +NOTFRIEND: And deaf! +RACHEL: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Good luck. +RACHEL: Ross is coming over. I think now would be a really good time to talk to him. +NOTFRIEND: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore. +RACHEL: I did not see that coming. +NOTFRIEND: Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names. +RACHEL: Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it. +NOTFRIEND: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. My God, think of the massacre. +RACHEL: I'm gonna do it. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it. +RACHEL: Men just take out wind? +NOTFRIEND: Oh that's so great! +RACHEL: Was that all you wanted to ask me? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Ross, I was wondering if. Oh my God! Where are all the men? +RACHEL: Ohh, hi, Kim. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no, I didn’t mean, uh. +RACHEL: I mean maybe you didn’t hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua? +NOTFRIEND: Well, actually it's a hockey team, so it's angry Canadians with no teeth. +RACHEL: Well that sounds fun too. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog! +RACHEL: Phoebe, all babies are beautiful! +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: All right, let’s go shoppin’! +NOTFRIEND: Maybe you two should live together. +RACHEL: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here? +NOTFRIEND: Why does everyone keep saying that? +RACHEL: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up. +NOTFRIEND: You can’t tell me to shut up! +RACHEL: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. +NOTFRIEND: They did? +RACHEL: It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron. I don't even know what department that guy's in. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yogart, or something. +RACHEL: A break from us. +NOTFRIEND: Fighting?! +RACHEL: No, the other thing. I really think it’s great they work things out. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Joey, what, is, this thing, doing here? +NOTFRIEND: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this. +RACHEL: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. So, dig in! +NOTFRIEND: Oooh. Girl's night out indeed. +RACHEL: So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross. +NOTFRIEND: You don't know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend! +RACHEL: Ross, do you think it's easy for me to see you with somebody else? +NOTFRIEND: Nana is on the phone. +RACHEL: That's interesting, since she died seven years ago! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, these are for you. +RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I really think you need to go now. +NOTFRIEND: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils. +RACHEL: Oh, slides. So really nothing happened. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. We, we thought we had a monkey, but we didn't. +RACHEL: It turned out it was a hat! +NOTFRIEND: Because they’ll know we’ve been listening. +RACHEL: And to have to hear about it from Gunther! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack. +RACHEL: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor. +NOTFRIEND: Wh-wh-why?! +RACHEL: Well, because she loves you and because you love her. +NOTFRIEND: Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there. +RACHEL: Sweety, I gotta tell ya, it sounds a little bit like you like the apartment more than you like. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Take 'em! Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear. +NOTFRIEND: Why? +RACHEL: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there. +NOTFRIEND: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant? +RACHEL: Uh, Paul’s Café. They got great food and it’s really romantic. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work. +RACHEL: Oh, look, wish me luck! +NOTFRIEND: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been. +RACHEL: Mindy, if it'll make you feel any. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room. +RACHEL: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet. +NOTFRIEND: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn’t get messed up? +RACHEL: I will think about it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though. +RACHEL: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64. +NOTFRIEND: I can't tell you what I know. +RACHEL: Well then I can't tell you what I know. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please! +RACHEL: I can’t talk to you. I can’t even look at you right now! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL:! We—come on, we both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops… +NOTFRIEND: Pepper? +RACHEL: None for me. +NOTFRIEND: Hi Rachel. +RACHEL: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn’t happen. +NOTFRIEND: Right! Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor? +RACHEL: Yeah, that was an awesome day! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air. +RACHEL: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didn’t want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I got my speech! +RACHEL: Do you got your gracious loser face? +NOTFRIEND: What? Are you married? 'Cause that's okay. +RACHEL: Oh, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home. Be home. Be home, be home, be home. Oh, you're not home. +NOTFRIEND: Don’t answer that. +RACHEL: You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it! +NOTFRIEND: No! No, you know what? You're not going back in there, the baby's fine, now scram. Yeah, tell your story walking. +RACHEL: I was just going to say that I left my keys. +NOTFRIEND: Hello. +RACHEL: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are! +RACHEL: What do you mean, there you are? +NOTFRIEND: There you go. +RACHEL: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it. +NOTFRIEND: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet? +RACHEL: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you look so great. +RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! Why did I have to start working out again? Damn you 15s! +RACHEL: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sautéed with peas and onions, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I must say, when you left us we weren't sure what we were gonna do. But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin! +RACHEL: So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where are you planning on flying off to? +NOTFRIEND: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey! +RACHEL: I heard you before, that is so not what this is! +NOTFRIEND: I know. I just can't find. +RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah. +RACHEL: I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour. +NOTFRIEND: That was good. +RACHEL: Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the 'plane. +NOTFRIEND: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle. +RACHEL: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: How’d it go with Pete?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh she’s…she’s perfect. +RACHEL: Oh, she’s so tiny. Where’d she go? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time. +RACHEL: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you? +RACHEL: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?! +NOTFRIEND: And the big one’s for me! +RACHEL: Ooh, let’s open them! +NOTFRIEND: Hero, I uh, I don’t know well, all right. +RACHEL: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! +NOTFRIEND: Well, you gotta give him something that he can't say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you're guaranteed he'll say yes! +RACHEL:! You think that will work? +NOTFRIEND: Go ahead Rach. +RACHEL: Y’know what? I can’t, I can’t look at it. I can’t. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I’m so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life. +RACHEL: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! No I take that back! +NOTFRIEND: Sure. +RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. It's open you guys. +NOTFRIEND: your ass?!?!? +RACHEL: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him. +RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate. +NOTFRIEND: Cause you re a little princess! Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me! +RACHEL: I didn t. I never said that. +NOTFRIEND: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks! +RACHEL: Wh-what?! +NOTFRIEND: Guys! Guys! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I’m gonna get cranky! +RACHEL: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall! +NOTFRIEND: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know. +RACHEL: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it. +NOTFRIEND: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress. No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl! +RACHEL: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to. +NOTFRIEND: There's a third guy? +RACHEL: Tip of the iceberg. +NOTFRIEND: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi. +RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, you needed to speak to me? +RACHEL: No-no, that wasn't me! Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. The selection of underwear we carry. +NOTFRIEND: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer. +RACHEL: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date? +RACHEL: Oh, ah with who? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too! +RACHEL: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out. +RACHEL: Fine, I will. Alright, fill me in! +NOTFRIEND: We’re so lucky. +RACHEL: We really are. +NOTFRIEND: I am not high maintenance! +RACHEL: I am not a pushover! +NOTFRIEND: I love you too, and I'm never letting you go again. +RACHEL: 'Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again. +NOTFRIEND: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him! +RACHEL: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are. +NOTFRIEND: No, it's, fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a. +RACHEL: What's. +NOTFRIEND: He went home. He didn't want to see anybody. +RACHEL: I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things. And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. What am I doing? Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane. +NOTFRIEND: All right Pheebs, your cab’s ready. +RACHEL: All right, let’s go! +NOTFRIEND: Wow! I didn’t know that there was a Pottery Barn up here. +RACHEL: I went a little crazy. +NOTFRIEND: Sorry! +RACHEL: Well this is romantic! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying. +RACHEL: Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you, and you do that. +NOTFRIEND: No! You should've read it yourself! +RACHEL: Don’t be such a goodie-goodie! +NOTFRIEND: Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick! +RACHEL: No, II just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy. +NOTFRIEND: I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother. +RACHEL: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? +RACHEL: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up? +NOTFRIEND: Y-sure! +RACHEL: And while I’m gone don’t you boys sneak a taste. +NOTFRIEND: Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading. +RACHEL: What is? +NOTFRIEND: Mmm. +RACHEL: I mean with Barry, it was, it was safe, and it was easy, but there was no heat. +NOTFRIEND: I didn’t read it. +RACHEL: The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh? +NOTFRIEND: What’s the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse? +RACHEL: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think II, would you, actually, would you go check on that? +NOTFRIEND: Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table. +RACHEL: That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else. +NOTFRIEND: You two were married?! +RACHEL: I’m sorry, you were talking about Emily! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong! +RACHEL: Well it stupid, unfair question! +NOTFRIEND: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I’m not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler? +RACHEL: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight. Umm, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I'll have the fixed salad and the duck. +RACHEL: Yeah, I'll have the soup and the salmon. +NOTFRIEND: That’s Will from high school! +RACHEL: I do not remember him! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. Oh my God, he’s… Look at the way he’s just staring at me. I think he’s trying to mouth something to me, but I can’t make it out. +NOTFRIEND: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no, this, this can't happen! +RACHEL: But can it, just, happen a little bit? +NOTFRIEND: I know, I know, but that's okay. I mean, we can control ourselves, we're not animals. +RACHEL: Of course we can wait. Alright, so I guess that means good night then? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey. +RACHEL: What did, what did he say? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me. +RACHEL: Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own. +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too. +RACHEL: You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned! +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich? +RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that? +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: That’s right, I wanna do it with you! I’ve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things. +NOTFRIEND: And I’m sure you’re gonna make a big impression. Hi! I’m Rachel Green. It’s nice to meet you. Come on, you probably have a broken rib! +RACHEL: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it’ll still be broken then. +NOTFRIEND: It really was. +RACHEL: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face. +NOTFRIEND: I'll treat you real nice. +RACHEL: Yeah, well, y'know umm. No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends! +NOTFRIEND: You can put the aisle over here, and put the wedding ceremony right over here. +RACHEL: I didn’t know you could get married here. +NOTFRIEND: Nah, I got it. +RACHEL: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, let's go running! +RACHEL: Yeah and there's really cute guys there. +NOTFRIEND: Wait, he's not here yet. +RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens. +NOTFRIEND: Really? He does? Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big-.well, that's true, Gee, y'know, no-one no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! +RACHEL: God, he's good. +NOTFRIEND: Can I do it to you? +RACHEL: Yeah, IIII’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. +NOTFRIEND: So, did you err, did you tell Ross? +RACHEL: Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo related emergency. So I guess now it's your turn again. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story? +NOTFRIEND: I don't know what to say. +RACHEL: You could, say you're sorry to her mom. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her? +RACHEL: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me. +NOTFRIEND: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that. +RACHEL: I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors. I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for. +NOTFRIEND: All right. Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison? +RACHEL: Okay, y'know what? I'llI'll have toast! +NOTFRIEND: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy. +RACHEL: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too. +NOTFRIEND: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. +RACHEL: Bad monkey! +NOTFRIEND: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating. +RACHEL: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan, so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous! +NOTFRIEND: No, it’s just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out. +RACHEL: Hm-mm. +NOTFRIEND: What, what are you laughing at? +RACHEL: Well, I used to date him, but you’re still going out with her! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Ethan called again. +NOTFRIEND: I can’t do it! +RACHEL: I didn’t ask you to do it! +NOTFRIEND: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it. Oh My God, I’m a women! +RACHEL: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted. +NOTFRIEND: Any luck? +RACHEL: Well, yeah, y’know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again. +NOTFRIEND: Did you get your money back? +RACHEL: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars. +NOTFRIEND: Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her all alone. +RACHEL: Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross. +NOTFRIEND: What about Emma? We don't have a nanny. +RACHEL: You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight. Can you please just take care of her for today? +NOTFRIEND: Come on! +RACHEL: Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter? +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask. +RACHEL: Well, whaddya think? +NOTFRIEND: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses. +RACHEL: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!' +NOTFRIEND: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. That is a weird sentence! +RACHEL: Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home. Joey, don't touch it! +NOTFRIEND: Stick to your side! +RACHEL: Hey, come on now! +NOTFRIEND: How about at a game, on the big screen? +RACHEL: How about at a Footlocker? +NOTFRIEND: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father. +RACHEL: I don’t have any issues with my Father. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no, it's great. It's great. He is. He is an amazing guy. +RACHEL: Well, obviously I think so too. +NOTFRIEND: You don’t think that umm, The chef’s Mahi Mahi was awful awful, is bad press? +RACHEL: I didn’t write it. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again. +RACHEL: Y’know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don’t you think it’s gonna be weird? +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: And I know what looks sexy on guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she’s gonna go nuts for you. +NOTFRIEND: You said number two. +RACHEL: I also said number one. +NOTFRIEND: Let me just say something. Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke. I just want to say that I. I love you. And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving. +RACHEL: Let's not say anything else. +NOTFRIEND: Huh, if I had to guess I'd say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching. +RACHEL: Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know where to start. +NOTFRIEND: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him. ROSS: Really? +RACHEL: That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head. CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend. +NOTFRIEND: I think you should talk to Ross about all this. +RACHEL: People keep saying that. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I’d love to but I’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore. +RACHEL: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment? +NOTFRIEND: Then tell him quickly. +RACHEL: We went out. +NOTFRIEND: Hello, Zelda. +RACHEL: Who are you supposed to be? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger II enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick. +RACHEL: Did you at least win the contest? +NOTFRIEND: So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. +RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th I think this could be, y'know, it. +NOTFRIEND: I’ll run out and get you one. +RACHEL: Oh, you guys are so great. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. But who cares?! Because it's all on me! That is, one big drink! +RACHEL: Macadamia nut? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what did he say that was so funny? +RACHEL: I have absolutely no idea. +NOTFRIEND: Do you think you could get through a poem? +RACHEL: It’ll be a short one. +NOTFRIEND: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s. +RACHEL: This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Joey proposed to me. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me? +RACHEL: I can't, I gotta go. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. +RACHEL: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting. +NOTFRIEND: Aww, Pheebs. +RACHEL: Honey, that's you're name. +NOTFRIEND: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Y’know it wouldn’t kill ya to respect your wife’s privacy! Stupid closet full of bugs! +RACHEL: Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don’t—Whoa! +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake. +RACHEL: Yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted. +NOTFRIEND: Surely you can think of something good. +RACHEL: Yeah, just give me a minute! Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings. +RACHEL: Oh, you-you mean your earrings? +NOTFRIEND: We're all alone in an empty apartment. +RACHEL: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. +NOTFRIEND: But people that you don't know and will never see again. +RACHEL: Yes, but still. They're people, with eyes. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium. +RACHEL: Almost. +NOTFRIEND: Saucy! +RACHEL: What are these? +NOTFRIEND: My roommate. +RACHEL: You have a roommate?! +NOTFRIEND: I would, but you're the last one. +RACHEL: GIVE ME THE BOOK! Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, Guy-in-van? +NOTFRIEND: Come on. +RACHEL:he said we were holding up the people behind us. +NOTFRIEND: Why? Did you write it? +RACHEL: Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? +NOTFRIEND: Chandler, hey. Rach, what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? +RACHEL: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. +NOTFRIEND: No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win it! +RACHEL: All right, so are we not having dinner at all? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, this is yours. +RACHEL: What are these for? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes. Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes! +RACHEL: Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! So how was the doctor? +RACHEL: Oh, everything went great. +NOTFRIEND: Tell it again. Seriously. +RACHEL: I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? +NOTFRIEND: Ahhh…. That-that-that’s really just to show where the baby would go. Y’know why don’t I hold on to him so that there’s no confusion? +RACHEL: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud. +NOTFRIEND: Oohh, um, no I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like, definitely felt something. +RACHEL: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look? +NOTFRIEND: Incidentally, when are you coming back? +RACHEL: Today. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back? +RACHEL: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles. +RACHEL: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. +NOTFRIEND: Can I use, either thumb? +RACHEL: Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! Decaf cappucino for Joey. Coffee black. Late. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and, and not have it be a big deal? +NOTFRIEND: Sure. +RACHEL: Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan? +NOTFRIEND: Any painful gas? +RACHEL: Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?! +NOTFRIEND: What big thing? +RACHEL: So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. Who wants to go first? +NOTFRIEND: Wh-what do we do? +RACHEL: I don’t know! +NOTFRIEND: Well uh. +RACHEL: I’m just kidding! You can go pee! +NOTFRIEND: Look everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving! +RACHEL: So are things with you and Joey any better? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! +RACHEL: You get away from me! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o! +NOTFRIEND: To London! Come to London. Please? It'll mean so much to me. +RACHEL: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I'm sorry. +NOTFRIEND: I feel great. In fact! What? +RACHEL: It just it took me so long to get that desk organized. +NOTFRIEND: Good, because it's in ten minutes. +RACHEL: I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna pick her up for another hour. +NOTFRIEND: Good for you! +RACHEL: You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! Look kinda familiar? +NOTFRIEND: Yes, that's very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers. +RACHEL: Yes, I realize that. +NOTFRIEND: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call unagi. +RACHEL: Isn’t that a kind of sushi? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y’know, I’m kinda musical. +RACHEL: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she’s even had time to. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Me too. +RACHEL: Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys. +RACHEL: Yeah, II heard. I think it’s great! Ohh, I’m so happy for you! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, great! +RACHEL: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls! +RACHEL: I'm defrosting a chicken. Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson. +NOTFRIEND: Are you talking about having sex? +RACHEL: No Paul, I don’t know anything about you! Y’know, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood! +NOTFRIEND: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. +RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, was I doing it again? +RACHEL: Would anybody like more coffee? +NOTFRIEND: Wow, that’s-that’s-that’s incredible. +RACHEL: I know isn’t it? It’s like I’m right there with Joshua. +NOTFRIEND: Let's forget about Ross. +RACHEL: Forgotten. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in. +RACHEL: Um, what what would make you think that? +NOTFRIEND: That’s Hanson. +RACHEL: Oops sorry, my mistake. +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun. +RACHEL: Pretty much. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Did you make any new friends? +NOTFRIEND: It’s negative. +RACHEL: That is—that’s great—that is really great-great news. Y’know ‘cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, there’s this guy, Warren, from the museum and he’s going on a dig for like two years and he’s got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested? +RACHEL: I’d love to live at Warren’s! +NOTFRIEND: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up. +RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Well we're gonna miss you around here. +NOTFRIEND: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved 3.50. +RACHEL: How did you make 17. +NOTFRIEND: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm, why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch? +RACHEL: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out. +NOTFRIEND: Did you two. +RACHEL: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date! +NOTFRIEND: Yes! +RACHEL: Okay, well then how about a handshake? Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that. I mean you there. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so. I'll see you Monday! +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the BandAid off. What to you want to do? +RACHEL: Uh, let’s rip! +NOTFRIEND: It's uh, well, uh, why don't you tell them? After all, it is your ankle. +RACHEL: You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you. Well, listen, why don't you two sit down, and we'll get you some glasses. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. We both forgive you. +RACHEL: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl? +NOTFRIEND: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. +RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! +NOTFRIEND: I can give it a shot. +RACHEL: There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it! +NOTFRIEND: And he's, he's a total stranger? +RACHEL: His name is um, Mark something. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct? +NOTFRIEND: Noo! Oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby. +RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago. +NOTFRIEND: Who gets whom. I don't know why I do that. +RACHEL: Well, I'm gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back? +RACHEL: Yeah, II don't care. +NOTFRIEND: No you do-y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this. +RACHEL: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! +RACHEL: Oh Joey honey I don’t…I don’t want to lose. +NOTFRIEND: How much did you pay for that? +RACHEL: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal. +NOTFRIEND: It’s my sister. +RACHEL: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y’know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no no, I am. +RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous? +NOTFRIEND: Very! +RACHEL: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum. +NOTFRIEND: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it. +RACHEL: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! +NOTFRIEND: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. +RACHEL: So Pheebs, pick one of them. +NOTFRIEND: He asked you out?! +RACHEL: But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, this Heyy. +RACHEL: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down. +NOTFRIEND: From now on, it’s gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. Okay! We’re gonna be the new Joey and Chandler. +RACHEL: I’m back. +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: I can not believe he would do that to Mon. Joey, do they know that we know? +NOTFRIEND: Maybe you’ll order a little sangria? +RACHEL: Oh, get out of here! +NOTFRIEND: I’mI’m not kidding. Look II, I can’t have three failed marriages. I can’t. Okay? II am not gonna be that guy! +RACHEL: What-wh-what so we’ll just stay married forever?! +NOTFRIEND: Do you uh, do you ready for a refill? +RACHEL: Oh, I probably shouldn’t so I will! It’s like it’s raining! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah, it'll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: How did that happen? +RACHEL: That yeti is one smooth talker. +NOTFRIEND: Really?! II thought you weren't looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling. +RACHEL: Well, y'know, possibly. You didn't tell him that, though? +NOTFRIEND: I'm so sorry. +RACHEL: We got locked out of the apartment, we. +NOTFRIEND: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday. +RACHEL: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must’ve been awkward. +NOTFRIEND: Are you kidding? I’m like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group. +RACHEL: And you really think this is a good idea? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move? +NOTFRIEND: I know. +RACHEL: Why have I never tasted these before? +NOTFRIEND: Sure! Oh, and Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them. +RACHEL: Would you stop?!! +NOTFRIEND: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don’t you go back to your place and give us some privacy? +RACHEL: But, but, Mona, I live here. +NOTFRIEND: Me too! Me too! Me too! +RACHEL: Just stop it! +NOTFRIEND: That’s crazy! +RACHEL: That’s what I told him! +NOTFRIEND: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out. +RACHEL: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda. +NOTFRIEND: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren’t there. Just say you’ll think about it, okay? +RACHEL: No, I’ll think about it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it’s too late! Wait no! Does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love? +RACHEL: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley! +NOTFRIEND: Or Spin the Bottle? +RACHEL: He’s not 11! +NOTFRIEND: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. +RACHEL: You are not still going over that thing. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin’ to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren. +RACHEL: No, forget it! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Ok, so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out. +RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back. +NOTFRIEND: We got some time. +RACHEL: Okay, should we get some coffee? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or. Oh, oh. No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea. +RACHEL: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we? +NOTFRIEND: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here you can see it. +RACHEL: Yeah, III see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y’know, you shared your feelings. It’s really, it’s beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food? +NOTFRIEND: Get out! +RACHEL: O-oh my God! +NOTFRIEND: Bye dad. +RACHEL: Ahhh… So this is fun, huh? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village. +RACHEL: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, III know, I know I didn't love him. +NOTFRIEND: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here. +RACHEL: Can somebody please go in? +NOTFRIEND: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble. +RACHEL: Would you stop being such a wuss? +NOTFRIEND: Men. I guy I know. +RACHEL: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is gay. +NOTFRIEND: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler? +RACHEL: Wh, no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille. +NOTFRIEND: Good-good-good. +RACHEL: Oh-oh! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there? +NOTFRIEND: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person. +RACHEL: I try. +NOTFRIEND: Dude, chill! Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie. +RACHEL: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, hey Rach? +RACHEL: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands. +NOTFRIEND: Miracle! +RACHEL: No, y’know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something! +NOTFRIEND: Are we ready to order? +RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin' that for the Pope! +NOTFRIEND: You sure? +RACHEL: Yes, I’ve done my studying and I really know my stuff. +NOTFRIEND: I’m already here. +RACHEL: Ross is sooo great! +NOTFRIEND: Frank Jr. Jr.! +RACHEL: Oh, how does he look? How does he look? +NOTFRIEND: The vicar! +RACHEL: Do you even know what a vicar is? +NOTFRIEND: The guy you gave your number to. +RACHEL: Whoa, how do you know about that? +NOTFRIEND: That’s right. +RACHEL: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, well thank you in advance. +RACHEL: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my. We’re gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room. +RACHEL: Oh for the love of God! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hi. +RACHEL: I thought you might be cold. +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: D’oh! I’ve got it! +NOTFRIEND: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat. +RACHEL: Oh, please, miss, you don't understand! +NOTFRIEND: So do you think that these pictures. Are, are they trying to tell a story? +RACHEL: I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’ +NOTFRIEND: I do, but Rachel borrowed them. +RACHEL: I lent them to Ross. +NOTFRIEND: I have no idea, but x-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars. +RACHEL: Well what are we gonna do? +NOTFRIEND: You kissed my girlfriend! +RACHEL: Ooh, I like those sunglasses. +NOTFRIEND: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay? +RACHEL: Yeah that’s great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day. +NOTFRIEND: You’re Rachel! +RACHEL: You’re Joey! +NOTFRIEND: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant. +RACHEL: You said that she was, I just didn’t disagree with you. +NOTFRIEND: You have been M. I. A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?! +RACHEL: Wh——Why don’t I tell you over here? +NOTFRIEND: What? What? +RACHEL: He’s looking at me. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose. +RACHEL: Are you okay Mon? +NOTFRIEND: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge! +RACHEL: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross! +RACHEL: Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there! +NOTFRIEND: Yes you did! You did like a little hop. +RACHEL: You are soooo enjoying this. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Maybe they're napping. +RACHEL: Oh please, they're having sex. +NOTFRIEND: Chuck Woolery? +RACHEL: Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who’s ass I cannot kick. +NOTFRIEND: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. +RACHEL: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey. +NOTFRIEND: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old, and this guy. +RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about. +NOTFRIEND: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, YOU-apostropheRE means ‘you are,’ YOUR means ‘your!’ +RACHEL: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over! +NOTFRIEND: I’m gettin’ my chair back! +RACHEL: Wh-hey! +NOTFRIEND: Both! +RACHEL: We’re paying for this y’know. +NOTFRIEND: Coming! Try under the bed, try under the bed! +RACHEL: There's no room under the bed. +NOTFRIEND: Did he just say 'Monica bang'? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Do you not remember the puppet guy? +RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, why are you here? +RACHEL: Well, III don't know how this fits into your whole seizing thing but um, Emily called you today. +NOTFRIEND: Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t realize you were married. +RACHEL: Oh we were, but that was just a, I mean that was just a big drunken mistake. +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: Well then how about I call your supervisor and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart? +NOTFRIEND: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab. +RACHEL: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction. What, it's ok when Chandler does it? +NOTFRIEND: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone? +RACHEL: Well, II’m startin’ too. +NOTFRIEND: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness? +RACHEL: Oh God, you saw me?! +NOTFRIEND: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago! +RACHEL: Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old date on there. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'. +RACHEL: Phoebe, what are you doing? +NOTFRIEND: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own! +RACHEL: You found me a guy? +NOTFRIEND: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there right now?! +RACHEL: Phoebe, II think Ross is right. +NOTFRIEND: Chandler. When did he, when did he, when did he. +RACHEL: When you were in China. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but, you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things. +RACHEL: So, did you shave your legs? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too, Umm, who likes the Knicks. +NOTFRIEND: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. +RACHEL: II do, do that. +NOTFRIEND: No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding but I… +RACHEL: Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn’t know anyway! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hello Rachel. +RACHEL: Ross said my name. My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! Okay, don't believe me, I know I'm right-do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink? +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, he like, totally changed time. +RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him? +NOTFRIEND: Ow! +RACHEL: How, how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! +NOTFRIEND: Uh huh. +RACHEL: Both of you? +NOTFRIEND: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester! +RACHEL: Yeah do it now, call right now. +NOTFRIEND: I am good. I finished my book. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, what's it about? +NOTFRIEND: All right. Okay. I'm starving! +RACHEL: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast? +NOTFRIEND: Right there! That's my car! Hey! +RACHEL: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures. +RACHEL: So would I. You wouldn’t think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera. +NOTFRIEND: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything? +RACHEL: No, it was just the three of us. +NOTFRIEND: Me too. I mean I…haven’t thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn’t feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. +RACHEL: My gynecologist tried to kill me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh sweetie, when do you think you're going to get off tonight? +RACHEL: Oh I don't know honey. It's gonna be really late. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears. +RACHEL: Alright fine. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. +RACHEL: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Y’know, all the women. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong! +RACHEL: Well it stupid, unfair question! +NOTFRIEND: Well, Monica and Chandler can’t go. We’re going to dinner remember?! +RACHEL: Oh my God, I’m so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, Delilah. +RACHEL: Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore. +NOTFRIEND: Because he called here looking for you. So don’t tell me this this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing, +RACHEL: Why didn’t I get that message? +NOTFRIEND: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel, insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back. +RACHEL: All right fine, I pick you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, like that's a word. +RACHEL: Okay, but Monica, what if what if it doesn't come together? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Got champagne? +NOTFRIEND: Where's your passport? +RACHEL: It should be right next to my plane ticket. +NOTFRIEND: oh, too late, too late! It's sent, oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man. +RACHEL: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy? +NOTFRIEND: She's mine! +RACHEL: She's mine! +NOTFRIEND: Hi. I’m Ross Geller. I live in the building. +RACHEL: And I’m Rachel, an admirer of the building. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee! +RACHEL: And I won! +NOTFRIEND: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account. +RACHEL: What are you ever gonna use that for?! +NOTFRIEND: What?! What?! +RACHEL: Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview! +RACHEL: I got a second interview! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Do you want some pancakes? +NOTFRIEND: Tell us what? +RACHEL: We’re having a girl. +NOTFRIEND: What? Is it my breath? +RACHEL: Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. +NOTFRIEND: Don’t thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. Here’s Warren’s number. +RACHEL: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! +NOTFRIEND: He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s weird! +RACHEL: You dated my sister! +NOTFRIEND: Look, II know it’s not a proposal and I don’t know where you are, but with everything that’s been going on and with Emma and…I’ve been feeling. +RACHEL: I’ve feeling. +NOTFRIEND: No he went out to get pizza. +RACHEL: Oh really, OK. +NOTFRIEND: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type. +RACHEL: What handsome is not your type? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’? +RACHEL: It’s good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? I’ll see you guys later. +NOTFRIEND: Is everything okay? +RACHEL: Yeah, everything’s fine! +NOTFRIEND: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness. +RACHEL: You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?! +NOTFRIEND: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people! +RACHEL: Well, then so you just invite me.! +NOTFRIEND: You have other friends? +RACHEL: Yeah, I uhh, I have a, I have a date. +NOTFRIEND: Got me. +RACHEL: Remember when we were in high school together? +NOTFRIEND: You are not going to regret this. they hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on her face and then Emma starts crying. +RACHEL: She needs changing. +NOTFRIEND: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? +RACHEL: Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You have a play date with a stripper?! +NOTFRIEND: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?! +RACHEL: This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! +NOTFRIEND: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? +RACHEL: You shouldn't. +NOTFRIEND: That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling. +RACHEL: Ewww, is that what that is? +NOTFRIEND: No! Coins hate me! +RACHEL: Okay fine, y’know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. Sweetie. +NOTFRIEND: That’s great. Thanks Rach. +RACHEL: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover? +NOTFRIEND: Ohh. +RACHEL: Let’s use this brush. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. +RACHEL: Well umm, maybe we could uhh. Ah-ha! Too slow! +NOTFRIEND: More importantly, was I any good? +RACHEL: Well, you were pretty damnedy good. +NOTFRIEND: Oh uh, I’m sorry. +RACHEL: My child has no father! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something! +RACHEL: That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience! +NOTFRIEND: And I'm going to go. +RACHEL: Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. Slightly. +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. +RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew? +NOTFRIEND: He’s a keeper. How are you feeling? +RACHEL: Oh, I’m fine. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Yeah. Well. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done. +RACHEL: I did the first time! You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a kid. +RACHEL: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they’ll copy it in icing! +NOTFRIEND: Alright, fine. I'll call you back. +RACHEL: OK Machine. Just waiting for the beep. +NOTFRIEND: Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh. There’s more crust on this side. Y’know? So, maybe if I measured. +RACHEL: Oh for God sake just pick a piece! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I’ll do it. +RACHEL: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: I mean you definitely should do that. +NOTFRIEND: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off. +RACHEL: I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet. +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing? +RACHEL: Ohh, sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah and II found you one too who is not a weirdo. +RACHEL: Well, y’know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I’m just gonna take Sebastian to the charity. +NOTFRIEND: The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you’re sleep deprived. +RACHEL: You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new. +RACHEL: Yeah, no, I don'tI don't put things in my eye. +NOTFRIEND: Yes I am! +RACHEL: You’re never leaving the apartment! +NOTFRIEND: But work comes first! Oh hey, but that's sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya? +RACHEL: Nooo, he's leaving for a better job. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? +RACHEL: Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Ugh, tramp! +NOTFRIEND: So, I’ll get-get back to my friend. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I’m in the city? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, and it was uhm, it was like a real little person laugh too. It. +RACHEL: Well, well, what did you do to make her laugh? +NOTFRIEND: Honey, we have been through this before! +RACHEL: Don’t do this to yourself. +NOTFRIEND: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven’t thought about him in a long time… Anyway, umm Will’s, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go so I invited him here. +RACHEL: Oh that’s nice. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I was due. +RACHEL: Okay, let’s do it. I’ll move in. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, this is my friend Tom. This is the girl I told you about. +RACHEL: Oh, go on! You telling people about me? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, he had a paper route. +RACHEL: Yeah, he did! Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about! +NOTFRIEND: What about Ross? What about your moment? Don't you want to talk to Ross about it? +RACHEL: No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go. Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before. +NOTFRIEND: You want me to call her right now? +RACHEL: No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy. I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you? +NOTFRIEND: That’s ridiculous! I’m not a Star, just a regular famous actor. +RACHEL: Yeah and I’m a horrible, horrible person. +NOTFRIEND: You can’t marry him! +RACHEL: I don’t want to do this alone! And he’s such a sweet guy and he loves me so much. +NOTFRIEND: Whew! That was a brisk ride! +RACHEL: Take the top down did ya? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! +RACHEL: So, how are you? +NOTFRIEND: Erin! Still here! +RACHEL: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time! +NOTFRIEND: He does not look happy. +RACHEL: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry about your date. +RACHEL: Oh it’s all right. I’m guess I’m just done with the whole dating thing. It’s one more thing in my life that’s suddenly completely different. This is hard. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, Rach. I think I have something that belongs to you. +RACHEL: Oh, I'm sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don't get. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Oh. +RACHEL: Don't get up! +NOTFRIEND: Not bad. +RACHEL: I'm sorry about your girlfriend. +NOTFRIEND: But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way! +RACHEL: Phoebe, you have to calm down. +NOTFRIEND: What? I…I just figured since you’re pregnant you’re not gonna be seeing people. +RACHEL: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Happy birthday. +RACHEL: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me. +NOTFRIEND: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician. +RACHEL: Oh, that's funny! +NOTFRIEND: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better? +RACHEL: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you. +NOTFRIEND: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, What were you thinking? +RACHEL: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: What happened? +RACHEL: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: Not in the street! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, sleep with Kenny. +RACHEL: That wouldn’t help me. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place. +RACHEL: I'm sorry, sweetie. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no! +RACHEL: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. +NOTFRIEND: What's Emma doing today? +RACHEL: Well, let's see, uh. I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time! +RACHEL: You all know? Does Ross know? +NOTFRIEND: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there? +RACHEL: Can I see that for second. +NOTFRIEND: Just one thing umm. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: He's coming here for Thanksgiving! +RACHEL: I know, it's sick. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. I love you the most. +RACHEL: Oh, well you know who I love the most? +NOTFRIEND: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess you should get to stay here. +RACHEL: Hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault Pheebs. It was an accident. +NOTFRIEND: No, it's okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews. +RACHEL: That's so great! +NOTFRIEND: No idea? Who do you think brought her here? +RACHEL: Cupid. +NOTFRIEND: Well, not at first. +RACHEL: What is she doing here? +NOTFRIEND: What a bad idea! +RACHEL: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! +NOTFRIEND: AAnd it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens up right into the living room. +RACHEL: No, what's he like? +NOTFRIEND: He left that. +RACHEL: Tell Monica I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Kiss me. +NOTFRIEND: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles. +RACHEL: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today. +NOTFRIEND: And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma? +RACHEL: Oh honey, this is for the best, this way I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home and I'm being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you… +NOTFRIEND: Bye boots—Wait! Half off?! +RACHEL: Joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan! +NOTFRIEND: So, have you kids eaten yet? +RACHEL: Well, we were going to do that after, I mean umm, next. +NOTFRIEND: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you’re gonna like this a little better, ‘cause, close-close. +RACHEL: Blow it. +NOTFRIEND: Because you don't want me to be happy. You, you have always been jealous of me. +RACHEL: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard of other people's feelings? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I? +RACHEL: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? He works at the university. +NOTFRIEND: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes. +RACHEL: So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: It's a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs! +RACHEL: I'm gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture! +NOTFRIEND: Who’s that? +RACHEL: Nobody. +NOTFRIEND: UhHuh, Which is? +RACHEL: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little. +NOTFRIEND: Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that? +RACHEL: Um, yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be. +NOTFRIEND: This is weird for me! +RACHEL: Ross look, look this is good for you. Let’s face it, so far the guy’s not lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer! +NOTFRIEND: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else? +RACHEL: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the moors, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you must stop shooping. +RACHEL: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff. +NOTFRIEND: Can you believe that? +RACHEL: Yeah, if you’re going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: And stop saying that! I hate that! +NOTFRIEND: OK. He's a, he's a black Capuchin monkey, with a white face. +RACHEL: with, with Russian dressing, and pickles on the side. +NOTFRIEND: That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club! +RACHEL: So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club? +NOTFRIEND: There’s a skylight?! Wow! +RACHEL: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Ross, why didn’t you tell me that? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I can handle it! All right? +RACHEL: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad. +NOTFRIEND: Marriage. It's not for everybody. +RACHEL: That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever! +RACHEL: No that's what I was thinking. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life. +RACHEL: Since when? +NOTFRIEND: OK, no one is named Sleeve. +RACHEL: Pheobe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than there names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me any contracts! +RACHEL: And I put a little PostIt on it that said, Must go out today, and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn’t want to seem to bossy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin' at him. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm there too! +RACHEL: Well, are we all together? Like in a group? +NOTFRIEND: It's Fun Bobby. +RACHEL: What, isn't he sober? +NOTFRIEND: I don’t wanna know what Monica got me. Y’know? I mean, look, I’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about. +RACHEL: Whatever Linus, I’m opening mine. +NOTFRIEND: Such a sweet woman. +RACHEL: Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that. +NOTFRIEND: Why did they get divorced? +RACHEL: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn’t that sad? God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? That won’t work. Olive loaf? I hope that won’t work. +RACHEL: Are you makin’ him a sandwich? +NOTFRIEND: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself. +RACHEL: I’m not gonna screw it up! +NOTFRIEND: Ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk! +RACHEL: Now there is. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too. +RACHEL: Yeah, Phoebe you re awful! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: So you’re gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that’s where everybody’s gonna be! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, dinner's on. +RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played. +RACHEL: Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time. +NOTFRIEND: Wow, it’s really long. +RACHEL: Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail. +NOTFRIEND: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! She shows. +RACHEL: Little village people. +NOTFRIEND: I'm just so glad you got to see the babies. +RACHEL: Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on. It's cold, it's dark. He doesn't know the village. And now I have a broken foot! Thank you very much! +RACHEL: Ross, you know, I've said I'm sorry, like, a million times. What do you want me to do? What do you want, you want me to break my foot too? Is that it? OK, here, I'm gonna break my foot, right now, there. Oh god, oh my god! There, are you happy now? +NOTFRIEND: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head. +RACHEL: Ok, well this is like that, in no way. I had a. I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married! +RACHEL: Who got married?! +NOTFRIEND: Cabin of luuuv. +RACHEL: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. +NOTFRIEND: You know where Joey is? +RACHEL: I really don't. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh. Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing? +RACHEL: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago. +NOTFRIEND: Come in. I've been waiting for you. +RACHEL: I just wanna-Ahhh! +NOTFRIEND: It’s Petty. I’ll be right back with your ticket. +RACHEL: You have a son! +NOTFRIEND: When I was growing up I…played the one on the far left. +RACHEL: Remind me to introduce you to someone! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh? +NOTFRIEND: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys? +RACHEL: I got the keys! +NOTFRIEND: You're excited, right? +RACHEL: Ye-ah. You know, the money's great. It's certainly the easier choice. +NOTFRIEND: Rach? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Pheebs! +RACHEL: Phoebe, woo! +NOTFRIEND: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend and her brother, I can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year. +RACHEL: Aw, I love that. +NOTFRIEND: Definitely! +RACHEL: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80 happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That’s four years. Chandler’s not gonna wait that long. He’s gonna find somebody else, y’know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. +RACHEL: Yeah hon, it can’t hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you’re not engaged you just don’t use it. +NOTFRIEND: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! +RACHEL: Fine-Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please? +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, is that spelled with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’? Oh my God! It doesn’t matter they’re both great! +RACHEL: Oh y’know what? Y’know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman’s and get it half off. This place is so overpriced. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, she's not going to remember this. +RACHEL: Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake singing Happy Birthday. Then we would all go into. HEY GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER! They have to learn! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. +RACHEL: I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, II worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live! +RACHEL: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, there is a decent place to. +RACHEL: And your lap does not count! Come on help me move this. +NOTFRIEND: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are? +RACHEL: I can’t, I can’t feel my hands. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, Monica made us! +RACHEL: Well, uhm, whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don’t think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn’t for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it’s gonna take patience, but that’s ok. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry? +RACHEL: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros! +NOTFRIEND: Jack used to handle the finances! +RACHEL: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. I'm glad you agree. +RACHEL: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good. +NOTFRIEND: Anyone want me to appraise anything? +RACHEL: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer. +NOTFRIEND: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little playing ourselves. +RACHEL: Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross. +NOTFRIEND: De-caff. Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and you remember my brother Ross? +RACHEL: Hi, sure! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore. +RACHEL: It's ridiculous! I can't see you either. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. +NOTFRIEND: What, for how long? +RACHEL: Only like a month! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here? +RACHEL: You are in our apartment all the time! This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister! +NOTFRIEND: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? +RACHEL: I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. +NOTFRIEND: Right. So I guess I shouldn’t put good at noticing stuff on my resume. +RACHEL: Oh-ohh, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: Probably, yeah. I mean, maybe we should, hold off until we talk to Ross. +RACHEL: Yeah, we can wait, we don't have to do anything tonight. +NOTFRIEND: So you're going to give me the baby? +RACHEL: I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount. +NOTFRIEND: CUT! +RACHEL: Or, cut! You know, that's your call! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, you're not gonna win. +RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape and you're gonna be all like oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai. +NOTFRIEND: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup. +RACHEL: I thought I was making him filet mignon? +NOTFRIEND: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around. +RACHEL: Yeah, there was. It was there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read. Yes, there was. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know, you’re friend’s getting married, it’s gotta change things. +RACHEL: You really think it would be that different? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, II don't know. +RACHEL: Monica, what should I do? +NOTFRIEND: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey. +RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do? +NOTFRIEND: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar! +RACHEL: That is not a problem. +NOTFRIEND: You are not a freak. You're a guy. +RACHEL: You are no different than the rest of them. +NOTFRIEND: I brought you my old maternity clothes! +RACHEL: Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet——Ooh, those are so cute! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, here’s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit. +RACHEL: You promised you would break up with her! +NOTFRIEND: So I guess you all saw it. +RACHEL: Saw what? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross! +RACHEL: Show time! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? Is it Gunther? +RACHEL: Phoebe, it’s not Gunther. +NOTFRIEND: You would think. +RACHEL: Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you my weeks notice. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. I've got to admit, Emma does look cute. +RACHEL: Did you just say Emma? +NOTFRIEND: Well, good bye. +RACHEL: That was fun Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: No, sorry haven't seen him. +RACHEL: Then what's that big lump under your covers? +NOTFRIEND: So, Monica, what do you do? +RACHEL: Uh, I'm a uh, chef at a restaurant uptown. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it will never happen. Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I’m the king. +RACHEL: Rosss. +NOTFRIEND: You're gonna do it? +RACHEL: You don't think a woman can do this? +NOTFRIEND: Well,sounds like you two have issues. +RACHEL: Goodbye, baby. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, Momma’s Little Bakery. I feel terrible, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person. +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry what? +NOTFRIEND: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? +RACHEL: Hmm-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would’ve happened either way. I mean if you hadn’t initiated it III know I would’ve. +RACHEL: It was an amazing night. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, hey. +RACHEL: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy. This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon. +NOTFRIEND: Why would I return it? I love this bag! +RACHEL: All right, then you owe me 350. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, now you lost me. +RACHEL: You stole the phone! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, it's Ross. What are we gonna do? +RACHEL: Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we're just hanging out together. Just be nonchalant. That's not nonchalant! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Yep. +RACHEL: Well, why do y’know go in that room and do your homework? +NOTFRIEND: And a thousand dollars. +RACHEL: is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that what's in the inside is important. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's, just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. +RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, he’s a friend of ours. +RACHEL: You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray? +NOTFRIEND: Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year? +RACHEL: I just purchased the LaZBoy E-cliner 3000. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! They're late and they're sloppy! +RACHEL: Alright, Emma is napping, what happened to your shirt? +NOTFRIEND: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg. +RACHEL: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?! +NOTFRIEND: Deal! +RACHEL: Monica, betting the apartment, I don't know about this. +NOTFRIEND: And that's bad? +RACHEL: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm, the first one we met with. +RACHEL: What, the blonde with no bra? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head. +RACHEL: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his Julie. I just want to get over him gosh, why can't I do that? +NOTFRIEND: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help. +RACHEL: Ok, uh-uh. Let'sLet's shop! +NOTFRIEND: Umm, she kissed me. +RACHEL:! You kissed! +NOTFRIEND: Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! +RACHEL: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. +NOTFRIEND: Sure, yeah! +RACHEL: All right, let’s get this party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us. +NOTFRIEND: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney? +RACHEL: Joey, did you eat my face cream? +NOTFRIEND: Nope, she’s perfect. +RACHEL: I have one. +NOTFRIEND: Listen. I'm. I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, you know, I just. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, come on. No, no, it was my fault. I almost lost your. +NOTFRIEND: My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news! +RACHEL: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? +RACHEL: Not right now. +NOTFRIEND: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! +RACHEL: You will like it! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I've got milk Here you go. Oh! Better? +RACHEL: No oh!, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so. Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed! +NOTFRIEND: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! +RACHEL: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Hiya! +RACHEL: Hey, cute jacket! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated. +RACHEL: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate. +NOTFRIEND: Well, in a nutshell. +RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh. +NOTFRIEND: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up. +RACHEL: You think you’re gonna get out of this on a technicality? +NOTFRIEND: Uh no Rach, he’s gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake. +RACHEL: Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? Oh forget it! Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village. +NOTFRIEND: Stick to your side! +RACHEL: Hey, come on now! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh. +RACHEL: I mean it's my fault. +NOTFRIEND: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own! +RACHEL: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing. +RACHEL: Ross's what? +NOTFRIEND: I can’t seem to say goodbye. +RACHEL:! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more? +NOTFRIEND: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know, you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes! +RACHEL: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any! +NOTFRIEND: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault. +RACHEL: Ohh that'd be great! +NOTFRIEND: Well look-look I’m not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago! +RACHEL: I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y’know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school. +NOTFRIEND: WWhat was the one right before bananas? +RACHEL: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought well, there’s mincemeat pie, I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know. by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place? +NOTFRIEND: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism. Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! +RACHEL: All right, so. Ross, you're ok with all this? +NOTFRIEND: You don’t have a car. And your license expired. +RACHEL: Yeah, see, there’s so much to do and I have so little time to do it in. +NOTFRIEND: It is the softest hair! Touch it! +RACHEL: Yeah, I’m good. +NOTFRIEND: But I’m not gay. And I especially wouldn’t want you to think I was gay. +RACHEL: Why’s that? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rachel! You ready to go? +RACHEL: All right, I’ll see you guys later. +NOTFRIEND: Well good, okay. II, kind of think y’know if we…if… You’re wearing the ring. +RACHEL: Wh-what’s that? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office? +RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. +NOTFRIEND: Did you say something? +RACHEL: No, just singing. +NOTFRIEND: Eew! It's creepy looking! +RACHEL: It's actually it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Yeah, do you want it? +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. +RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater. +RACHEL: Oh you went to the movies by yourself? +NOTFRIEND: Mmm? +RACHEL: were you this irritating? +NOTFRIEND: You were at the coffeehouse! +RACHEL: Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy! +NOTFRIEND: But if. +RACHEL: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you’ll have to think of something else. +NOTFRIEND: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready? +RACHEL: One hour. +NOTFRIEND: No, I’ll think about it. Yeah. +RACHEL: Who's this from? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God! +RACHEL: Okay-okay look—no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Come on don’t be mad. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you so much. +RACHEL: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? +NOTFRIEND: So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn't want anything in exchange for helping him? +RACHEL: Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that's true of any job. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, are you out of a job? +RACHEL: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down! +NOTFRIEND: What?! Over a stupid room! +RACHEL: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I’m also really psyched ‘cause I don’t have to move in here! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t want to say. +RACHEL: Well you have to because maybe it’s stupid. +NOTFRIEND: OK, that's my tattoo. +RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it. +NOTFRIEND: Right. +RACHEL: So, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony. +RACHEL: I would love to read a poem. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. Here. Ohh, who’s the silver fox? +RACHEL: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? Kiss me please. +NOTFRIEND: If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them. But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! I need help! +RACHEL: Shh, shhh. Err, Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay. +NOTFRIEND: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly. +RACHEL: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: I just, I feel, II just. +NOTFRIEND: Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom. +RACHEL: Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker! +NOTFRIEND: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. +RACHEL: Do you want me to quit? +NOTFRIEND: Hhhiiii. +RACHEL: What's the matter with you? +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, sweetie! Hey, I bet you anything that he’s gonna call you again. +RACHEL: Yeah, maybe, but I don’t think I even care. I don’t think he’s the one I’m sad about. Y’know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don’t think I’m handling it all that well. +NOTFRIEND: It was his sweater, but—Oh my God! +RACHEL: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I’m so relieved you guys know. +NOTFRIEND: Guys, the drawing is about to start! +RACHEL: We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down. +NOTFRIEND: I'm there! +RACHEL: Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid. +NOTFRIEND: Hi Rachel. +RACHEL: Get off. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-hmm. +RACHEL: I mean I’m just. If I’m your maid of honor that means you are Monica’s. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so. +RACHEL: But ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer? +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe this! +RACHEL: Wait, we still have time to talk and they’re-they're not even in the car yet! Oh look, there they go, okay. +NOTFRIEND: Bye guys. +RACHEL: Yeah, see ya. +NOTFRIEND: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there. +RACHEL: What does she mean? +NOTFRIEND: Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me! +RACHEL: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. +NOTFRIEND: Ohhhhh! +RACHEL: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there! +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka. +RACHEL: Oh, that is so. +NOTFRIEND: Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. +RACHEL: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! You can throw the rest away. +NOTFRIEND: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? +RACHEL: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing? +NOTFRIEND: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?! +RACHEL: Umm, I think he’s still out. What’s wrong? +NOTFRIEND: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are? +RACHEL: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky. +NOTFRIEND: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet? +RACHEL: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good eleven minutes left. +NOTFRIEND: Got it! +RACHEL: Let’s roll! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me off the bed! +RACHEL: Spinning that sounds like fun. +NOTFRIEND: Naughty! +RACHEL: Right, I'll see you guys later. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! Uh okay, well uh. +RACHEL: Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Pheebs! +RACHEL: What are you reading? +NOTFRIEND: Hi! Hi. I think I left my keys here somewhere. +RACHEL: Well let’s look for them. Oh-oh-hey! Are these them? +NOTFRIEND: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower. +RACHEL: Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least! +NOTFRIEND: Absolutely. But, we’re gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I’ll page Ross on the way. Come on. +RACHEL: Oh God—Ow!—Oo! +NOTFRIEND: I’m 30! +RACHEL: Joey, you are not! You’re 31. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, clearly. +RACHEL: And you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. An maybe this, you know, +NOTFRIEND: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot. +RACHEL: You brought a carrot?! +NOTFRIEND: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing. +RACHEL: You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet. +NOTFRIEND: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me. +RACHEL: All right, let's do it. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so still hoping. +RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok? +NOTFRIEND: You know, I never saw that. +RACHEL: Oh, it was only okay. +NOTFRIEND: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that. +RACHEL: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of. insane. +RACHEL: Insane! +NOTFRIEND: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped. +RACHEL: Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you. +NOTFRIEND: Not Joey. +RACHEL: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: I'm not in love with Ross! +NOTFRIEND: Where is Emma? +RACHEL: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix. +NOTFRIEND: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. +RACHEL: Okay Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this. +NOTFRIEND: All right! Yes! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it! +RACHEL: Yes, the hard part is truly over. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. +RACHEL: What what what what? +NOTFRIEND: Your own boat? +RACHEL:!! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick. +NOTFRIEND: I don't have a monkey. +RACHEL: Then what's with all the bananas? +NOTFRIEND: No! No it’s not! It’s not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies! +RACHEL: No, y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. I mean you don’t have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y’know? And-and you don’t need, you don’t need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown you can wear off the rack. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: How did it go with Erin? +NOTFRIEND: No, no. II'm good. +RACHEL: You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: How was the beach? +NOTFRIEND: Oh…Rach! +RACHEL: Oh, screw you guys, you don’t have to do it! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in… +RACHEL: Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00. +NOTFRIEND: Bye. +RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh God! +RACHEL: You remember when we got these? +NOTFRIEND: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated? +RACHEL: You just click when they click. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: What're you guys doing out here? +NOTFRIEND: Correct, his profession was? +RACHEL: Space cowboy! +NOTFRIEND: What?! I think he’s cute. +RACHEL: Well then you have his baby. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do. +RACHEL: JeanClaude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. +NOTFRIEND: You got a tattoo? +RACHEL: But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world. +NOTFRIEND: Sounds like a fun party. +RACHEL: Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that. +NOTFRIEND: You can always sell your baby. +RACHEL: Oh Joey, I can’t believe you brought my boss into this! I’m gonna get fired! +NOTFRIEND: You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. +RACHEL: The job is in Paris. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so what’s the matter? +RACHEL: I don’t want you to date her! +NOTFRIEND: What do we use to split it? +RACHEL: All right, pick a half. +NOTFRIEND: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious. +RACHEL: Just one cheek. +NOTFRIEND: Emily? Emily? I'm coming in. +RACHEL: Well, look at that, same thing. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know, but it sounds great. +RACHEL: Your agent called. You got that audition. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: So I just dropped Emma off at my mom's. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Do you have any ice? +NOTFRIEND: Well, where’s the logic in that?! +RACHEL: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half! +NOTFRIEND: Why are we in bed together? +RACHEL: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on? +NOTFRIEND: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we’re almost there! We’re almost there! +RACHEL: Oh Joey, I’m so happy things worked out for us that we’re having this baby together. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! +RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg. +NOTFRIEND: Joey! Come on! I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like. Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle? +RACHEL: So why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright? +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: And you know Monica and Ross! +NOTFRIEND: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two are on your own. +RACHEL: Well… That’s…y’know—That’s—We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what? II—Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately II—things have been happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something. +NOTFRIEND: He was so good in that movie of MacBeth. +RACHEL: You saw that? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, here you go. +RACHEL: Ooh, oooh, oh, ah. Can I ask you a question? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down. +RACHEL: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. +NOTFRIEND: But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss. +RACHEL: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: That really is something that's really cool. +NOTFRIEND: Absolutely! +RACHEL: I am so on board! +NOTFRIEND: What're you doing? +RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Well, I’m miserable here! I might as well make some money out it! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no-no-no don't you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter! +RACHEL: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal! +NOTFRIEND: Orange juice. +RACHEL: There's no orange juice in there! We win! +NOTFRIEND: I would love that job! +RACHEL: What’s goin’ on? +NOTFRIEND: Varrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrom! Hey-hey good lookin'! Varrroom. All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring. +RACHEL: Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hi. +RACHEL: And I also brought my friend Joey. +NOTFRIEND: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn't make any noise! +RACHEL: Well, he gets the other one all riled up. +NOTFRIEND: Eh? +RACHEL: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y’know? And it’s probably really hard for you to be alone right now. +NOTFRIEND: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I’ve already signed everything and I put little ‘X’s where you need to sign. +RACHEL: Oh, little ‘X’s! That makes up for everything! +NOTFRIEND: You okay? +RACHEL: Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it. +NOTFRIEND: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid! +RACHEL: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. +NOTFRIEND: Well, some things are just hard to say to your face. +RACHEL: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too! +NOTFRIEND: Sorry. +RACHEL: I’m sorry Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable. +RACHEL: You wanted to see me? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up? +NOTFRIEND: I'm outa here. +RACHEL: Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. +NOTFRIEND: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh? +RACHEL: Who wrote it? +NOTFRIEND: You’ve seen my huge stack of porn, right? +RACHEL: I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed. +NOTFRIEND: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head? +RACHEL: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. +NOTFRIEND: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh, what'd you do to get her to laugh? +RACHEL: You know, I just, couple of things I tried. I just sang a. +NOTFRIEND: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25. +RACHEL: Get out, get out of my apartment. +NOTFRIEND: Uh we-we need to talk. +RACHEL: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I’ve kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here. +NOTFRIEND: The job is in Paris. +RACHEL: Please, somebody say something. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Look who’s back! It’s the birthday girl! How’s the birthday girl feeling? +RACHEL: Well, I feel fine, but I think you’re bumming out the rest of the kids. +NOTFRIEND: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom? +RACHEL: There's nothing above your bed! +NOTFRIEND: Would you like to see a semi-private room? +RACHEL: Yeah, it couldn’t hurt to look. +NOTFRIEND: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing the phone and Rachel runs in. +RACHEL: Hi, Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: No, that day, that won't be her real birthday! +NOTFRIEND: Then what did happen? +RACHEL: Yeah, what did happen? +NOTFRIEND: Hello, is Ross there? +RACHEL: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message? +NOTFRIEND: Sur-surprise. +RACHEL: …Monica. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! What. Please tell me those are clip-ons. +RACHEL: Oh, they're real! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Look at that guy by the window, wow! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other. +RACHEL: Oh, hmm. +NOTFRIEND: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake. +RACHEL: No that could kill her. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back. +RACHEL: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: Hey Mon, let’s give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable. +NOTFRIEND: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much? +RACHEL: Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know, and I, want him to hook up with lots of women! All I'm saying is. I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. +NOTFRIEND: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you? +RACHEL: It's just a cold. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Ooh, Phoebe’s here! Okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie! +NOTFRIEND: What the hell are you talking about? +RACHEL: Alright, alright look, just uh, just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene. +NOTFRIEND: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers. +RACHEL: Well, I was actually. II came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and. +RACHEL: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell. +NOTFRIEND: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. +RACHEL: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?! +NOTFRIEND: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on! +RACHEL: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened! +NOTFRIEND: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads. +RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt. +NOTFRIEND: And you're not gonna do that. +RACHEL: 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it? +NOTFRIEND: All right, Rachel, I knowI know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't. +RACHEL: But I. +NOTFRIEND: Na-uh, I am! +RACHEL: How come you are?! +NOTFRIEND: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that! +RACHEL:! We can't do that! +NOTFRIEND: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure. +RACHEL: Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! No! No! No! +RACHEL: He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them! +NOTFRIEND: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card. +RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it. +RACHEL: Yeah-eah-ha! +NOTFRIEND: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first baseAlan, second baseAlan, third base-. +RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. +NOTFRIEND: What’s the matter? +RACHEL: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone. +NOTFRIEND: Somebody called about a monkey? +RACHEL: That was a complete misunderstanding. +NOTFRIEND: Really?! Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day. +RACHEL: Oh well, no I, +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever, almost? +RACHEL: Does anybody need more coffee? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah I know. +RACHEL: Well, there's two spots left right? +NOTFRIEND: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place. +RACHEL: Joey, I have got to tell you something! +NOTFRIEND: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.' +RACHEL: Yeah, this is she. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah? Come and get it. +RACHEL: Okay, even this is turning me on! +NOTFRIEND: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible. +RACHEL: Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, here. What time? +RACHEL: 4 o’clock. +NOTFRIEND: Chandler? +RACHEL: Yeah, but I don’t know why. Look at me, I’m having such a wonderful time! +NOTFRIEND: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, What were you thinking? +RACHEL: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I think she looks good. +RACHEL: Ohh, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: Chandler! +RACHEL: Chandler, what did she say? +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: But only if it’s a girl. +NOTFRIEND: What-what was it you were gonna tell us? +RACHEL: Was how you invented the cotton gin?! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, cut! Great. That was, that was just, yeah! +RACHEL: Ross, um, don’t forget to get a shot of Emma’s cake. It’s in a box in the fridge. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. +RACHEL: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday. And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me. +NOTFRIEND: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know?. I miss her. +RACHEL: Hey, Pheebs, want this? +NOTFRIEND: All right. Hold on. I got it. Nickel! How much more do we need? +RACHEL: A couple of bucks. +NOTFRIEND: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job? +RACHEL: Oh Mom! +NOTFRIEND: Fine, I’ll go call her. +RACHEL: And please tell her to bring a cake! +NOTFRIEND: And you're not supposed to be gossiping! +RACHEL: I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone. +NOTFRIEND: Thank goodness. +RACHEL: There's been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I'm not free tonight. So, +NOTFRIEND: I haven't really settled on a spot yet! +RACHEL: How about right above the TV?. That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door! +NOTFRIEND: No, I'mI'm serious! +RACHEL: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, why not? +RACHEL: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. +NOTFRIEND: OK. So, you know what you're doing right? +RACHEL: Hu-ahh, waitressing? +NOTFRIEND: Thunder being stolen! +RACHEL: Okay come on Phoebe, it’s nothing! +NOTFRIEND: You’re welcome. +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else? +NOTFRIEND: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it? +RACHEL: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, how long was I watching that woman? +RACHEL: I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I don’t want you to see me naked! +NOTFRIEND: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do? +RACHEL: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, II wanted to tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him. +NOTFRIEND: How is that important? +RACHEL: Oh it’s important! +NOTFRIEND: No, I'm sorry. +RACHEL: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's? +RACHEL: My father had an heart attack, while I was at Barney’s. +NOTFRIEND: Well, that’s what I’m here for. Want me to get that? +RACHEL: No its really okay… Monica! +NOTFRIEND: Is that a swing? +RACHEL: Oh don’t even ask! +NOTFRIEND: So hum. Why did I have to hide? +RACHEL: I thought it was Ross. +NOTFRIEND: I just, I feel, II just. +RACHEL: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over! +NOTFRIEND: Freedom! +RACHEL: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums! +NOTFRIEND: Here, let me help you. +RACHEL: Oh, I can't believe I did this! +NOTFRIEND: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. +RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. +NOTFRIEND: Well, II was watching her the other day at the pizza place. +RACHEL: Hm-mmm. +NOTFRIEND: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby. +RACHEL: You remember Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I must've said that after you left. +RACHEL: Said what? +NOTFRIEND: I don't care. Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold. +RACHEL: Look Amy, it got a little of control. Um, and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh, if it really means that much to you. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours. And he said, Laundry? Is that my new nickname? And you said, No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box? +RACHEL: Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl's apartment! That is a boy's apartment, it's dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It's-it's so pretty! And look, and it's-it's purple! And I'm telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. +NOTFRIEND: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life. +RACHEL: That's why I was getting married. +NOTFRIEND: Pretty good. +RACHEL: My God, sorry! +NOTFRIEND: What is going on here? +RACHEL: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick? +NOTFRIEND: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya? +RACHEL: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! But you said not to worry about. +RACHEL: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, God, I am so spoiled. That's it. +RACHEL: And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Okay. Y’know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I’dI’d be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now. +RACHEL: Okay, y’know what? Can I, can I talk now? +NOTFRIEND: All right, all right, all right, let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris. +RACHEL: Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose. +NOTFRIEND: Just please stop! +RACHEL: Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice this time of year. +NOTFRIEND: Why not? +RACHEL: Because it’s embarrassing. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. We-we look…we look pretty good. +RACHEL: That’s what I was gonna say. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. +RACHEL: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem! +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. Now I don’t want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don’t people to see it makes me want to see it. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people? +RACHEL: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction! +NOTFRIEND: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. +RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see. +NOTFRIEND: No! No! No, not after seeing that. +RACHEL: God I’m just a horrible person. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no thanks. +RACHEL: Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue. +NOTFRIEND: You kissed him? +RACHEL: It was after the party, we were on the balcony and. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase? +RACHEL: Pheebs, I don’t think anyone's mad about that. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night. +NOTFRIEND: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow. +RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'? +NOTFRIEND: I'm kidding. +RACHEL: Oh, me too. +NOTFRIEND: Oohh, 23. Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! +RACHEL: I bet 20. +NOTFRIEND: When, when were you, under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you uh. What? +RACHEL: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head! +RACHEL:! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. +RACHEL: All right, straight, and not subtle. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy. +NOTFRIEND: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay? +RACHEL: It sure didn’t look this way when I lived here. +NOTFRIEND: We’ll see. +RACHEL: Ok, Ross, what’s going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now? +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing up? +RACHEL: That is seven days! +NOTFRIEND: Why not? +RACHEL: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam! +NOTFRIEND: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. +RACHEL: Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a couple. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. I’ll be right back. +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: Monica bang! Monica bang! Ow! +RACHEL: I'll get the hat. +NOTFRIEND: The nurse said they’re bringing in another woman. +RACHEL: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be she’ll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, come on, I’m not gonna wear any of this! Nothing silver. Ok? Nothing with hair! And nothing with padlocks on it! +RACHEL: Ross, look, I know that some of this stuff is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this, look at this sweater! I mean, this is just beautiful! +NOTFRIEND: You had no relationship! +RACHEL: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Ah, II never should have said what I said. It y’know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay? +NOTFRIEND: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys, are just having dinner or, watching TV or something, but, it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. +RACHEL: So don't move, okay? Just stay here and, maybe close your blinds at night. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less. +RACHEL: I don't gossip! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, so you've done some good work! What about your carry-ons? +RACHEL: Everything that I need is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them. +NOTFRIEND: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe. Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! +RACHEL: Oh, I forgot they made sheets! +NOTFRIEND: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! Hi Joey. And. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. Come, please come in. Come in. +RACHEL: Okay, well, we brought you some wine. +NOTFRIEND: Okay uh, however. +RACHEL: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but. +NOTFRIEND: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants. +RACHEL: Apartment pants? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, like, er, five minutes. +RACHEL: Fasten your seatbelts. It's pee-pee time! +NOTFRIEND: Never! +RACHEL: You never come into this office again! +NOTFRIEND: Rache! +RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? +NOTFRIEND: What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home? +RACHEL: Yeah, and you don't mind if I call, because you only want good things for me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. Ow, Monica bang! Everybody bang. Ben bang. Rachel bang. Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun? +RACHEL: We all do it. Okay, I'm stopping now. +NOTFRIEND: Aww, man! +RACHEL: A letter from my mom. +NOTFRIEND: Stay away! +RACHEL: Take it like a man, Ross! +NOTFRIEND: Alright. +RACHEL: So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog! +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, I still can’t believe you haven’t seen Cujo. What is wrong with you? +RACHEL: It’s not like it’s Citizen Kane! +NOTFRIEND: Hmmm-mmmm. +RACHEL: Not even one more time? +NOTFRIEND: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool. +RACHEL: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive. +RACHEL: Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault. +NOTFRIEND: Which proves that I never lie. +RACHEL: I guess you don't. +NOTFRIEND: So, how’s it going? +RACHEL: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? +NOTFRIEND: Look, you and I went to different high schools. +RACHEL: Okay, that doesn't help me, because we went to the same high school. +NOTFRIEND: Oh that’s amazing. +RACHEL: Oh-oh! One hand on the sheet Joe! +NOTFRIEND: Pleasure. +RACHEL: It was nice to meet you. +NOTFRIEND: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard? +RACHEL: Is he? +NOTFRIEND: Just so you know, Dr. Long can’t be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you. +RACHEL: Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y’know who I’m talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? +RACHEL: Ah, did I leave the stove on? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy. +NOTFRIEND: Hey uh, where do you guys want this? +RACHEL: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys. +NOTFRIEND: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning. +RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. Hmmmm, raunchy! +RACHEL: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. +NOTFRIEND: What's Ross doing to you on that picture? +RACHEL: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny. +NOTFRIEND: Yep, I'm in a tree. +RACHEL: Did he call? Did Mark call? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on! +RACHEL: Ross, please, I found the magazines! +NOTFRIEND: But why does it even matter?! +RACHEL: Why does it matter so much to you?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok. +RACHEL: Now I love you even more. +NOTFRIEND: We'll be right there! Can't you just say it starts later? +RACHEL: What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed. +RACHEL: Oh well yeah me too. I had a baby. +NOTFRIEND: That’s sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady. +RACHEL: Ok, careful. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains. +RACHEL: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting. +NOTFRIEND: Boy, you are really not a morning person. +RACHEL: BACK OFF! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up! +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies. +RACHEL: Two, two babies? +NOTFRIEND: And who pays for that? +RACHEL: Um, my, father. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe you guys went for that one! +RACHEL: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Hi boots. +NOTFRIEND: You really think so? +RACHEL: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?! +NOTFRIEND: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together. +RACHEL: I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen? +NOTFRIEND: I. I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. +RACHEL: Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. +NOTFRIEND: Better! +RACHEL: Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just, move on with my life. +NOTFRIEND: He’s awfully short and I think he’s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he’s not that good in bed. +RACHEL: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it’s like every guy I see—I mean look here. Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that’s not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I’m feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! All right—Look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? But, it’ll also be really…really great. Please Rachel! III really want you to stay. +RACHEL: I want me to stay too. +NOTFRIEND: Never call me from that phone. +RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece. +NOTFRIEND: Not even once. +RACHEL: No matter how much we want it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that. +NOTFRIEND: I’d love to, but my lawyer said I can’t do that anymore. +RACHEL: You seem really, really nice. +NOTFRIEND: I know. Yeah, his name is Pat. +RACHEL: Pat the dog. +NOTFRIEND: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. +RACHEL: I want Gladys! +NOTFRIEND: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you have unagi. +RACHEL: Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour. +NOTFRIEND: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated. +RACHEL: Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion! +NOTFRIEND: You're mean! +RACHEL: Oh, don't be such a baby! +NOTFRIEND: You still love me. +RACHEL: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me! +NOTFRIEND: Daddy. +RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here? +NOTFRIEND: So was I. +RACHEL: Joey, you’re such an amazing actor! How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins? +NOTFRIEND: Oh! yeah! +RACHEL: You like that? Let's take this into high gear. +NOTFRIEND: You say you love this man, yet you're about to ruin the happiest. +RACHEL: But he has to know how I feel! +NOTFRIEND: Only way to fly. +RACHEL: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver! +NOTFRIEND: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. Well, you just must think I'm weird. +RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think? +NOTFRIEND: I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re gonna be there until they start their real family. +RACHEL: Well I—That’s never gonna happen with Ross. +NOTFRIEND: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear. +RACHEL: The fear? +NOTFRIEND: I’ll tell you about it later. Be cool. +RACHEL: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell. +RACHEL: It's really not that big! +NOTFRIEND: Well, if that were true, I’d dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. Come on, you think she should go out with me, don’t you? +RACHEL: Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain’t a pretty picture in the morning, y’know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I was thinking. +RACHEL: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid. +NOTFRIEND: So? What-what-what happened? +RACHEL: It’s all gonna be okay. They’re just so happy that I’m not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear. +NOTFRIEND: You do attract some stinkers. +RACHEL: Dr. Long, I’ve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine? +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Rub it. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding. +RACHEL: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee? +RACHEL: I would love to! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Ah! +RACHEL: Guess who we ran into today?! +NOTFRIEND: What if you put them here. +RACHEL: Well, y'know that's actually a really good idea, because that way they'll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home. Joey, don't touch it! +RACHEL: I still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts! +NOTFRIEND: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. +RACHEL: IIII’m just…I’m just a good kisser! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah according to the news, most of the city did. +RACHEL: Since when do you watch the news? +NOTFRIEND: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl. +RACHEL: She was kinda stupid. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan. +NOTFRIEND: Y! +RACHEL: What do you get? Emily! So that’s me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! +NOTFRIEND: Rach come on, what? +RACHEL: I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone. +NOTFRIEND: So were you in Nam? +RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant? +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. 'Kay. +RACHEL: Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Who's workin' for you babe? +NOTFRIEND: China patterns! +RACHEL: This is easy. Can't do this! Seriously I can't do this. +NOTFRIEND: Have a seat through the glass doors. +RACHEL: through the glass doors. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. Y’know because of the Indiana Jones? Not-not because I’mI’m into S amp M. I’m notI’m not into anything weird. Y’know? Just-just normal sex. So, I’m gonna grab my coat. +RACHEL: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission picked up a daddy. +NOTFRIEND: All that stuff you just said? I want that! +RACHEL: But Joey you don’t have 20,000! +NOTFRIEND: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there’s another reason too. +RACHEL: Well, what is the other reason? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, how did it go? +RACHEL: Well, I did my best to convince him that I’m not some crazy girl who is dying to get married. I’m just going through a hard time. +NOTFRIEND: What-what-what the how da-how did-what the-how did-what?! +RACHEL: Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them. +NOTFRIEND: You like Joey? +RACHEL: I have a little thing for him. +NOTFRIEND: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads. +RACHEL: Is she gonna be okay? +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know why you can’t admit that you need me. +RACHEL: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, I don’t think so. +RACHEL: I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal! +NOTFRIEND: Well what am I supposed to do? +RACHEL: You’re supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions. +NOTFRIEND: Men are such idiots. +RACHEL: Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back? +NOTFRIEND: What else do they add smell too? +RACHEL: Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza? +NOTFRIEND: Are you kidding me?! +RACHEL: It’s just so frustrating! Why doesn’t she want my breast?! +NOTFRIEND: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice. +RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache. +RACHEL: Wait, are you leaving? +NOTFRIEND: Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now. +RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship that’d be great. +RACHEL:!!! +NOTFRIEND: I won’t date. I’ll uh, I’ll be here, with you, all the time. +RACHEL: But I’m being so unreasonable. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything. +RACHEL: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you! +NOTFRIEND: Ick, you were eavesdropping. +RACHEL: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down. +NOTFRIEND: Which one? +RACHEL: I don't know, what were the names I just said? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, listen. I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one. +RACHEL: All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me you owe me big! +NOTFRIEND: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there. +RACHEL: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion. +RACHEL: No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work. +NOTFRIEND: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour? +RACHEL: What-what about Monica? +NOTFRIEND: You know that’s… that’s her. +RACHEL: Oh god look at her sleeping.  Oh, I love her so much!  Oh, I think I’m gonna wake her up. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you. +RACHEL: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. +NOTFRIEND: Stick to the list. Always stick to the list. +RACHEL: No-no, I love it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together. +RACHEL: That's not what we're gonna do! +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA. +RACHEL: Joey, it would mean so. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this. +RACHEL: It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle. +NOTFRIEND: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! +RACHEL: Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch. +RACHEL: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. Hey sisters! Wow, we really are bitches. +NOTFRIEND: No, that’s, no, as long as you’re okay. So I’ll ah, I’ll see you tomorrow. +RACHEL: Um-hmm, yeah. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay? +RACHEL: Oh, did you not want people to know that? +NOTFRIEND: How? +RACHEL: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex. +NOTFRIEND: No, it's not, we have nothing in common! +RACHEL:, yeah, it's true. +NOTFRIEND: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya? +RACHEL: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I’m telling you. +NOTFRIEND: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything. +RACHEL: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. +NOTFRIEND: How? +RACHEL: I don’t know! Maybe they have tools. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me? +RACHEL: Would you like some pancakes? +NOTFRIEND: Fine. +RACHEL: I still don’t get it. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: That is the sweetest thing, I just. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: I’m just sort of in the middle of something. +NOTFRIEND: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. +RACHEL: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks. +NOTFRIEND: I didn't realize that she was so close. +RACHEL: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before it happened. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! You're the best! +RACHEL: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, III, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. Honey, I feel terrible too. +NOTFRIEND: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry. +RACHEL: Yes okay. Well now see this isn’t telling us anything. That’s a steak house! +NOTFRIEND: Ooh hey, Emma, daddy has some presents for you okay? Okay? I want you to wait right here. Come here sweetie. +RACHEL: Ross, actually there's something that I really need to talk to you about. +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me, your, your, your wind? +RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, hey, no, oh oh. +RACHEL: Run Phoebe run. +NOTFRIEND: You're there! +RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment! +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster. +RACHEL: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night. +NOTFRIEND: What? Honey. +RACHEL: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday. +NOTFRIEND: What's going on? +RACHEL: Well, my eye is a little itchy. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but, bye-bye! +RACHEL: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine? +NOTFRIEND: Wait, wait, You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. +RACHEL: Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied! +NOTFRIEND: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, it’ll be okay. +RACHEL: Oh my God…. What’s he gonna do now? I can’t watch! Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know. +RACHEL: No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have? +NOTFRIEND: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…—Is it hot in here? +RACHEL: Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater? +NOTFRIEND: A bit of a daredevil are we? +RACHEL: Hey guys do you think this is too slutty—Hi Kash! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m being so rude. Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it. +RACHEL: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great. +NOTFRIEND: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get? +RACHEL: Ok, you really wanna know who it is? +NOTFRIEND: I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas, but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back. +RACHEL: I think that bitch cracked my tooth. +NOTFRIEND: Break! +RACHEL: I got a touchdown! We did it! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, he left his cell phone. +RACHEL: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here? +RACHEL: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight? +NOTFRIEND: Oh I'm afraid that plane has already pulled away from the. +RACHEL: Okay, you know what You're going to have to call that plane and. +NOTFRIEND: Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job. +RACHEL: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw. +NOTFRIEND: What the hell are you doin'? +RACHEL: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live! +NOTFRIEND: All right, all right, I'm coming over, and I'm bringing Chinese food. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry. +NOTFRIEND: I'm coming already! +RACHEL: Jeez! +NOTFRIEND: Normal. +RACHEL: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that’s always a painful time! Y’know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you’re sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it was loong. I didn't even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head. Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab she just left. +RACHEL: I wrote you a letter. +NOTFRIEND: Check out the ring. +RACHEL: One and a half carat easy. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever! +NOTFRIEND: Hair Straightener? +RACHEL: I haven't seen you in like, a year. +NOTFRIEND: You heard him! No bigger! You're perfect! Just don't get any bigger! Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler. +RACHEL: If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. It's just such a magical time! +NOTFRIEND: They have another guess. +RACHEL: Okay, well, we won that one. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here. +RACHEL: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out? +NOTFRIEND: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause. +RACHEL: Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye. +NOTFRIEND: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don t think of someone else for a change? +RACHEL: Okay, I m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna, head. +RACHEL: I'll miss you. +NOTFRIEND: Uh! +RACHEL: Ok Sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. +NOTFRIEND: Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow. +RACHEL: Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I think he's stealing from me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah I know. On the other hand in um, in about seven months you’re gonna have something that you’re gonna love more than any guy you’ve ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea. +RACHEL: Thanks sweetie. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa. What, er, what happened to, er, forget relationships, I'm done with men, the whole, er, penis embargo? +RACHEL: I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy you know? +NOTFRIEND: No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive! +RACHEL: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I? +NOTFRIEND: I just can’t see Chandler cheating! +RACHEL: I’m telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy! +NOTFRIEND: Yay, okay! +RACHEL: Good, good, good, good, good. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich. +RACHEL: Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that! +NOTFRIEND: No, you don't. +RACHEL: They're waiting for me, Ross. I can't do this right now, I'm sorry. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Yes, totally. +NOTFRIEND: Where do you think, Zelda? +RACHEL: You found my book?! +NOTFRIEND: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! Important plans! +RACHEL: Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: I heard you were sick. +RACHEL: Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! +NOTFRIEND: How can you not know which one? +RACHEL: I mean that's unbelievable. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you? +RACHEL: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Why don't you come with me?! +NOTFRIEND: No, I will not cave. +RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. +NOTFRIEND: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren. +RACHEL: I’m not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t. +NOTFRIEND: This time it's not so funny. +RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y. +RACHEL: I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat. I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. +NOTFRIEND: Well, umm, why don't you give him a call? +RACHEL: Are you sure you wanna hear this? +NOTFRIEND: Good, you don’t want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you? +RACHEL: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment! +NOTFRIEND: What, what. +RACHEL: Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. +NOTFRIEND: Your chair?! +RACHEL: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: You look, you look big. +NOTFRIEND: Not yet. +RACHEL: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave? +NOTFRIEND: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think I’m partly at fault. You see, I didn’t, I didn’t tell you but umm, but II had recently refilled the tissues and so y’know let’s just face it, that’s just kindling! So I think it’s better that I stay at Joey’s. +RACHEL: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides y’know what? I’m fine here. +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie you’re doing great. +RACHEL: Oh God twenty seconds my ass! +NOTFRIEND: What's the matter with you? +RACHEL: I thought it was Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: No way! It’s mine! +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: No, don’t worry about it. +RACHEL: No, you could’ve lost your job. +NOTFRIEND: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s sooo close. +RACHEL: Closer than here? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Do you remember where the duck food is? +NOTFRIEND: Rach. +RACHEL: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I just made these two things uhm, cheeks. And then I split this to make ears. +RACHEL: Well, I'm very impressed. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Uh, II had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in? +NOTFRIEND: Like this. +RACHEL: Well, here's another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does? +NOTFRIEND: Aww! +RACHEL: That’s funny. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: What-what are-what are these? +NOTFRIEND: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister? +RACHEL: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's. +NOTFRIEND: Great! Okay, if you’ll just excuse me. So, did you hear something you liked? +RACHEL: I learned a new trick! +NOTFRIEND: You didn’t cancel the fabric order from Taiwan? +RACHEL: Okay, two things didn’t happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that’s not true. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, okay. +RACHEL: Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip? +NOTFRIEND: Stupid Jane Rogers! +RACHEL: You are having a party tonight? +NOTFRIEND: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area. +RACHEL: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep. +NOTFRIEND: Well look, hey, it's all your fault! +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something! +RACHEL: Uh-huh! +NOTFRIEND: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. I believe this belongs to the father of your baby. +RACHEL: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now? +NOTFRIEND: Yes, at 4:00. +RACHEL: That’ll be all. Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. +NOTFRIEND: I’m not allowed to have soda. +RACHEL: Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? +NOTFRIEND: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time! Rachel and Amy 'fighting'. They're really just trying to slap each other and just keep slapping their hands. +RACHEL: Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy! +NOTFRIEND: Did she do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her! +RACHEL: I know, I know, and you were right Ross. You are soo irresponsible I am never letting you baby-sit ever again! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn’t work past it together. +RACHEL: Yeah, what the hell did I know! +NOTFRIEND: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun. +RACHEL: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'. +RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know? +NOTFRIEND: Ew. +RACHEL: It’s still——It’s got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here! +NOTFRIEND: You okay? +RACHEL: I’m more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why? +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she’s really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y’know, to give her some advice. +RACHEL: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! Hey mom. +RACHEL: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom? +NOTFRIEND: Wait a minute! Now I’m betting against all three of you? +RACHEL: Oh honey, don’t worry. I really do feel like tomorrow’s the day. +NOTFRIEND: Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. +RACHEL:! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet. +RACHEL: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? You freak. +NOTFRIEND: Here. +RACHEL: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do? +NOTFRIEND: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father. +RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing. +NOTFRIEND: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn’t want it to end this way, y’know? +RACHEL: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end? +NOTFRIEND: That is lucky. +RACHEL: Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! Or the Big Mac. You love those! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! Oh, and I have something for you! +RACHEL: Mmh-mmh! +NOTFRIEND: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one! +RACHEL: Y'know what you should do? +NOTFRIEND: We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks! +RACHEL: Phoebe, I think. It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on! +NOTFRIEND: SON OF A BITCH! Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! +RACHEL: I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life. +NOTFRIEND: I love when you talk dirty to me. +RACHEL: Oh, I know it. You’re right. That’s not sexy. Oh…Oh! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right. +RACHEL: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal. +NOTFRIEND: Yes. Okay, there's this one guy, Patrick, I think you're gonna like him, he's really nice, he's funny, he's a swimmer. +RACHEL: Ohh, I like swimmer's bodies! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay. +RACHEL: But I. +NOTFRIEND: That fake British woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance. Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, listen, can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to, more than that? +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed. +RACHEL: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, II think I’m gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out. +RACHEL: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts. +NOTFRIEND: What, that little thing at the prom? +RACHEL: I couldn't find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, ye-ah! +RACHEL: You know it was you're uhm, birthday. +NOTFRIEND: So, we’re walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, Hey, let’s go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, Nah, let’s just hang out at your place. Well, that was a nice move dumb ass. +RACHEL: I think you should definitely go out with this guy. +NOTFRIEND: And chili! +RACHEL: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons? +NOTFRIEND: You think? +RACHEL: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. +NOTFRIEND: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. +RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. +NOTFRIEND: Absolutely, yeah! +RACHEL: You’re smoking?! +NOTFRIEND: Your license? +RACHEL: Here you go Officer uh, Handsome. +NOTFRIEND: Hello! +RACHEL: Welcome home. +NOTFRIEND: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things. +RACHEL: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go! +NOTFRIEND: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you. +RACHEL: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy! +NOTFRIEND: Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She thinks I need pec implants! +RACHEL: Oh-oh-hoh! You remember Joey? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, then, why are you, all dressed up? +RACHEL: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! +NOTFRIEND: But you guys came so close. +RACHEL: Oh I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital. +RACHEL: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there. +NOTFRIEND: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so. +RACHEL: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, maybe. +RACHEL: And II am just trying to figure out why. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, yeah! I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn! +RACHEL: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?! +RACHEL: I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too? +NOTFRIEND: Right! But, I am sorry. +RACHEL: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the Pashmina. And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps. +RACHEL: Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you. +NOTFRIEND: What are you talking about? +RACHEL: Whatever I was feeling, I'm, not. +NOTFRIEND: That's right! You do what the hand says! +RACHEL: How did it go? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! How'd the interview go? +RACHEL: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: You mean, you mean 30 days? +NOTFRIEND: OK. +RACHEL: Oh that's what you want. +NOTFRIEND: Because, look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! I couldn't do it to Ross! +RACHEL: But that wasn't gonna stop you before! +NOTFRIEND: Alright, alright, okay, uhm. How 'bout this, how about this? Tomorrow, tomorrow we'll both go and we'll tell him together. +RACHEL: Okay, that sounds fair. It just means that once again we can't. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know! I don’t maybe you’re feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you’d get married first! Maybe you can’t stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you! +RACHEL: That y’know what? Y’know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let’s go have sex! +NOTFRIEND: You mean like for award shows? +RACHEL: Some of them. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her? +RACHEL: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, I'm Rachel Greep! and he let her right in. +NOTFRIEND: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all. +RACHEL: Well, people are different. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach? +RACHEL: No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! +RACHEL: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke! +RACHEL: Screw it, I didn't get it! +NOTFRIEND: What’s up? +RACHEL: Well, I haven’t seen him since that night that he told me how he y’know… I don’t know, I think he’s avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor? +NOTFRIEND: My what? +RACHEL: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. +NOTFRIEND: No I didn’t! +RACHEL: So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him. +RACHEL:! Mindy, the guy is the devil! +NOTFRIEND: Are you all right? +RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time. +NOTFRIEND: No I didn't. I asked, got the ke-eys? +RACHEL: No, no, no, you said, got the keys. +NOTFRIEND: What? Sophie, does she have ten minutes? +RACHEL: I told you I don't! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers? +RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok. +NOTFRIEND: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it? +RACHEL: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back? +NOTFRIEND: That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it? +RACHEL: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised. +NOTFRIEND: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. +RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. +NOTFRIEND: Oh wow Wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know? It’s pretty much something you’re born with if you. You-you can teach it! I’ll show you right how to do it. +RACHEL: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage. +NOTFRIEND: How do you fix the chair? +RACHEL: Except that! We're all ready for our presentation this afternoon. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us. +RACHEL: Of course, I'd be honored! +NOTFRIEND: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? +RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend. But um. +NOTFRIEND: That would be me. +RACHEL: All right let me see. +NOTFRIEND: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it. +RACHEL: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! +NOTFRIEND: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother. +RACHEL: As I was saying. I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey! +RACHEL: I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that. Monica: You don't have insurance? +RACHEL: Why, how much is this gonna cost? +NOTFRIEND: What, Rach? +RACHEL: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils. +RACHEL: Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that? +NOTFRIEND: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job? +RACHEL: I don't know, who would I have to sleep with? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel? +RACHEL: Just get away from me! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Whoa-whoa what’s under the covers? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, lock the door. Lock the door, seriously. +RACHEL: I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks. Did he call? Did that guy call? +NOTFRIEND: Shh! +RACHEL: I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see. +NOTFRIEND: She’s not even cold yet! +RACHEL: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put. your comfort first. +NOTFRIEND: Relax, I'll fix it. +RACHEL: Urkel in Spanish is Urkel. +NOTFRIEND: Popes in a Volkswagen! I love that joke. +RACHEL: No way did you do this. +NOTFRIEND: You are totally jealous. +RACHEL: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow. +RACHEL: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment? +NOTFRIEND: I was tired! +RACHEL: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I. +RACHEL: AAAHHHH! +NOTFRIEND: Really?! I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling. +RACHEL: Well, believe me, it's been a long time since I've been flung. +NOTFRIEND: We're all getting off. There is no Philange! +RACHEL: This is ridiculous! +NOTFRIEND: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts? +RACHEL: No, but you know what I mean. +NOTFRIEND: Um-hmm. +RACHEL: Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on it’s my wedding! That can be my present. +RACHEL: Wh—Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick. +NOTFRIEND: Well yeah, I think we should get married. +RACHEL: What, because that’s your answer to everything? +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore! +RACHEL: No-no they do but, you just have to wait. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I mean, all things that guy. These are amazing! +RACHEL: Sandy made Madeleines. +NOTFRIEND: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip's motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made. +RACHEL: They had to have that specially made?! +NOTFRIEND: Well, II gotta go break up with Bonnie. +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! +RACHEL: Okay, just a little scared. +NOTFRIEND: Come on! Here. +RACHEL: Oh, okay, we're going. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Great, you’re home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! +RACHEL: Drums? +NOTFRIEND: leave. +RACHEL: Wait, II just said leave. +NOTFRIEND: YOU KNOW?! +RACHEL: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel didn't you just light that? +RACHEL: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? +NOTFRIEND: For an emergency just like this. +RACHEL: All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this right now. But I'm not. +NOTFRIEND: The small one. +RACHEL:! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now. +RACHEL: No, come on, I'm totally ok. I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own. +NOTFRIEND: All right! I found one that fits! +RACHEL: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. Aww, look at you all handsome! +NOTFRIEND: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! +RACHEL: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over. +NOTFRIEND: Oh here’s a whole bunch. +RACHEL: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, Oh that poor girl. Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone. +NOTFRIEND: Sweep, sweep. +RACHEL: Okay, now make it even, ‘cause we don’t. +NOTFRIEND: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It’s me! It’s me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house! +RACHEL: Okay Phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. I warned her about those candles. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Wait, how long is Denise gone for? +NOTFRIEND: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna b as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credi card application, and I was pre approved. Huh? I've neve been pre-approved for anything in my life. CHANDLER: I'm sorry man. +RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us. JOEY: No, that means nothin to me. +NOTFRIEND: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit! +RACHEL: Give me those cigs! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh? +NOTFRIEND: I’m still right here! +RACHEL: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is! +NOTFRIEND: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies. +RACHEL: Oh my God, look at these pelts! +NOTFRIEND: Okay Rachel, I can’t wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We’ll have so much fun! +RACHEL: But honey, I think she’s moving in with Chandler. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number. +RACHEL: We’ll be right back. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, sure, yeah. Ok, it fits. +RACHEL: Are you seein' her again tonight? +NOTFRIEND: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone? +RACHEL: Oh, he's just goofing around. +NOTFRIEND: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. +RACHEL: And a crappy New Year. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian. +NOTFRIEND: It’s Rachel. +RACHEL: You’re going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, you’re going to make yourself watch the whole thing. +NOTFRIEND: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. +RACHEL: I can't kiss anyone. +NOTFRIEND: There’s a side of steamed vegetables. +RACHEL: Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster? +NOTFRIEND: No dear. It’s not. +RACHEL: Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you. +NOTFRIEND: What are you, stop naming dwarves! Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got stupid, and, and scared, and. stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. Really?! Really?! +RACHEL: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now. +NOTFRIEND: I’m telling ya, Joanna’s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ‘This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ll give you a call.’ +RACHEL: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her? +NOTFRIEND: So you gave in and decided to call someone? +RACHEL: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column. +RACHEL: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress. +NOTFRIEND: Look forget it forget it. I can't do it. +RACHEL: Are you gonna, you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child? +NOTFRIEND: Oooh, the next part's the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub. +RACHEL: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you're gonna ruin it! +NOTFRIEND: You’re great. And II know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there. +RACHEL: Uhh, hang in there? +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. Rachel I'mI'm sorry that I hurt your ankles. +RACHEL: Ankle. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I'm going commando, too. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Care for a cherry? +NOTFRIEND: Do you have a minute? +RACHEL: Well yeah, sure, what’s up? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Anastassakis Papasifakis wedding, excellent! Oh, great hat. Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Oh yeah, I got a cat. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop. +RACHEL: That was not funny! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. Who-who’s Barry and Mindy? +RACHEL: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend. +NOTFRIEND: Oh damnit! +RACHEL: Don’t say that! Don’t say that! +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here? +RACHEL: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air. +NOTFRIEND: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help. +RACHEL: Well, II know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, that's all we do. +RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie? +NOTFRIEND: Is it Ross? It’s Ross isn’t it—Oh my God, it’s Joey! +RACHEL: I am not going to tell you until I tell him. +NOTFRIEND: I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before. +RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. There’s no breaking them up, is there? +RACHEL: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy? +NOTFRIEND: Okay… +RACHEL: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit. +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: Have to make it stop! +NOTFRIEND: So, all right. +RACHEL: So, can I serve you a little of, What? +NOTFRIEND: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him. +RACHEL: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men. +NOTFRIEND: About what? +RACHEL: When she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I’m gonna get fired! +NOTFRIEND: Well, I can do it. +RACHEL: Well, actually. +NOTFRIEND: Mom says it s all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens and they have no idea when it s coming back on. +RACHEL: Wow, you guys this is big. +NOTFRIEND: Tell me about yourself, Zack! +RACHEL: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard! +NOTFRIEND: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen! +RACHEL: Ohh, you've waited soo long. +NOTFRIEND: Oh give it a rest! +RACHEL: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?! +NOTFRIEND: I guess so. +RACHEL: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumour has it you guys shut the drapes! +NOTFRIEND: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so…nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman. +RACHEL: Yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, what does it mean? +RACHEL: I don't know all the words. +NOTFRIEND: I have a bone to pick with you. +RACHEL: Uh-oh. +NOTFRIEND: OK, OK, I checked, we have Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and er, oh wait, there was one more, erm, Lemon Soother! +RACHEL: You're not the guy who asked for the tea, are you?. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee? +RACHEL: Yes oh——Do I want sugar in my coffee? No, just some milk would be good Carol. Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? +NOTFRIEND: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just let me take care of the presentation? +RACHEL: I see what you're doing here, alright, listen, this is my job buddy. Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works, so why don't you just catch me up! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple. +RACHEL: Monica, what are you doing? +NOTFRIEND: So, see ya on Saturday. +RACHEL: Yeah, you bet. +NOTFRIEND: They're still just friends, right? +RACHEL: And I will see you tomorrow! +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: Wow that was a big one. +NOTFRIEND: Is there a problem? +RACHEL: Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! You bitch! +NOTFRIEND: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves. +RACHEL: Uhh, well let's see. You're about well uh, this one is large. And this one. +NOTFRIEND: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong! +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: I know why I don't remember her, huh? +RACHEL: Do you think I'm someone else? +NOTFRIEND: Should I not have told you? +RACHEL: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him? +RACHEL: Because, he's my friend. +NOTFRIEND: Fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yoghurt, or something. +RACHEL: A break from us. +NOTFRIEND: Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide. +RACHEL: Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica. +RACHEL: Oh screw her, that part is mine! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. A beard and a moustache. Thank you. No, she didn't think so. I know it's like anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh! Okay. Okay, thank you! Yeah, it's not coming off. +RACHEL:! What else did he say? +NOTFRIEND: I’m Amanda. +RACHEL: A…man…duh! +NOTFRIEND: Some guy! +RACHEL: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams. +NOTFRIEND: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school. +RACHEL: Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with? +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Yes, I’m the one who found your phone. +RACHEL: You can’t do th. +NOTFRIEND: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing. +RACHEL: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fall in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age. +NOTFRIEND: Miss? +RACHEL: I - I have to get on the plane. +NOTFRIEND: Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared? +RACHEL: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us? +NOTFRIEND: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great! +RACHEL: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't' want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. +NOTFRIEND: I really do. +RACHEL: But I already told Zelner that I would come back. +NOTFRIEND: Joshua guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda, y'know. +RACHEL: Yeah, I. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: And now you’re watching me walk away. +NOTFRIEND: Aw, what? +RACHEL: No, no, Emma dropped her sock. +NOTFRIEND: Umm. Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut! +RACHEL: Hm-mmm! +NOTFRIEND: You owe me a cat! +RACHEL: Here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, where d ya go little kitty kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty, come ere kitty kitty, kitty kitty.hi? +NOTFRIEND: Damn, this coffee’s cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? +RACHEL: Y’know, I can not believe you told him, Joey! +NOTFRIEND: Be right there. Be back in a sec. +RACHEL: I dumped him. +NOTFRIEND: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood! +RACHEL: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job! +NOTFRIEND: Yes you did. Absolutely. +RACHEL: Would you let me talk. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you. +RACHEL: Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial. +NOTFRIEND: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix that. +RACHEL: Call her! Call her now! +NOTFRIEND: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck? +RACHEL: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no! +RACHEL: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. +NOTFRIEND: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry? +RACHEL: Let me just get my coat. +NOTFRIEND: I thought that was just a rumour. +RACHEL: True story. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened? +RACHEL: I just felt it and I went into Joey’s room and he was sleeping. +NOTFRIEND: Why is it inside out?! +RACHEL: But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat! +NOTFRIEND: No, she’s hanging in there. +RACHEL: Do you think—Could you tell me if she’s hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two? +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day. +RACHEL: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know II feel that we don't talk anymore. What is new with you? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going? +RACHEL: That would be sooo much fun! +NOTFRIEND: So what happened? +RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass? +RACHEL: On TV?! +NOTFRIEND: Really! You-you sail? +RACHEL: No-no, but I support it. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! What are you doing here? +RACHEL: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol. +NOTFRIEND: This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! Yes, the groom. No! Not the groom! +RACHEL: It’s so secluded up here. +NOTFRIEND: I know. +RACHEL: Open your drapes! Open your drapes! +NOTFRIEND: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay. +RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time? +NOTFRIEND: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch? +RACHEL: Momma’s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, like I don’t know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on. +RACHEL: Ooh, I can do that. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her. +RACHEL: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship. +NOTFRIEND: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone. +RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them. +NOTFRIEND: Oh hi Ben—No! Don’t look at the machine! +RACHEL: Thank God you’re home! I’m watching Cujo. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, me too. +RACHEL: Hey, how’s how’s the uh, miracle chair? +NOTFRIEND: What’s uh, what’s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie? +RACHEL: No, she’s—She was nice. I mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t? +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Why didn't you get it? +NOTFRIEND: Rach! +RACHEL: Look, I’m fine. Whoa-whoa! +NOTFRIEND: Ahh, well, there ya go, last to know again, and I m guessing since no body told me this is Paolo. +RACHEL: Oh Paolo, this is Phoebe. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Rachel! +RACHEL: Oh right, tonight was your party. +NOTFRIEND: Alright, we'll just, uh, see you when you get here. Bye. Huh, that was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic. +RACHEL: Okay, well that's now the third sign that I should not leave Emma. +NOTFRIEND: You can take some caster oil, there’s eating spicy foods. +RACHEL: We will do all of those. +NOTFRIEND: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting. +RACHEL: Alright, I got it Ross. +NOTFRIEND: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u, how? +RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert. +NOTFRIEND: Lelani Mayolanofavich. +RACHEL: Okay, I’m just gonna write this out to cash. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?! +RACHEL: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome. +RACHEL: Calling from Rome! Bon giorno, caro mio. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I’ll see you later pal. +RACHEL: Ohh, okay. Wh—Ah-ha! Uh Ben, I can’t do it. +NOTFRIEND: That. +RACHEL: Okay, gotta go! +NOTFRIEND: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. +RACHEL: Indeed there isn't. I should really get back to work. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but. Let me explain, okay? +RACHEL: We weren't doing anything! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, and we're very excited about it. +RACHEL: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Marcel! Ah, this is ridiculous. We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone. He's, he's just gone. +RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you don't know that. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know? +RACHEL: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore. +RACHEL: He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here. +NOTFRIEND: A dollar? +RACHEL: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah we figure it'll live with Ross half the time and with me half the time. +RACHEL: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look. +RACHEL: C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Uh actually, I’d like to speak with both of you. +RACHEL: Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates? +NOTFRIEND: No Cobb, as in cobb salad. +RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here. +RACHEL: No, you can’t. +NOTFRIEND: What do you mean, they’re not moving in? They-they’re still moving in right? +RACHEL: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah well, I’m gonna go spit. +RACHEL: Oh, I have to pee. If I don’t come out in five minutes it’s because I’ve choked to death on the potpourri stink. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Oh, y'know, it’s just like hats, and a shirt, and CD’s, just sort of stuff that you’ve left here. +NOTFRIEND: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade. +RACHEL: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Up! +NOTFRIEND: Well, well, they're good. It's been a while since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up good. +RACHEL: Oh well, well thank you. Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened, that happened. +NOTFRIEND: Well, yeah. I can'tI can't stay here all night, and if I go in there she's-she's gonna wanna, do stuff. +RACHEL: Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood? +NOTFRIEND: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey. +RACHEL: Tah-daaah! +NOTFRIEND: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. +RACHEL: Ok, you win. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and you remember my brother Ross? +RACHEL: Hi, sure! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards. +RACHEL: Op, I like credit cards! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me! +NOTFRIEND: Oh me too. +RACHEL: Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair? +NOTFRIEND: Are you kidding? I have had some very dirty dreams about this. +RACHEL: You didn't tell him, did you? +NOTFRIEND: Well that, that sounds good. +RACHEL: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what’s-what’s the first thing that I say? +NOTFRIEND: You told us both we could be in the wedding? +RACHEL: Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other. +NOTFRIEND: Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but. All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore. +RACHEL: You don’t?! +NOTFRIEND: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk? +RACHEL: I'm just making margaritas. +NOTFRIEND: It's not a cat! +RACHEL: Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?! +NOTFRIEND: Ah, I’m sorry. +RACHEL: I don’t want you thinking of me like that any more! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I want my money back. +RACHEL: Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no, no! Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know! +RACHEL: But I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because I don’t know! I swear I didn’t see anything, and I don’t want to know! It was just a momentary lapse. +NOTFRIEND: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room. +RACHEL: You've been in my room before! +NOTFRIEND: What is this? Fruit? +RACHEL: Monica's making jam. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess you’re right. Maybe, maybe I’ll take her down to the incinerator. It’s gonna be so sad, and kinda cool. She’s heeled! +RACHEL: That’s weird. +NOTFRIEND: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. She's back! Hot girl's back! +RACHEL: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you. +NOTFRIEND: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner. No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me. +RACHEL: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! +RACHEL: All right, back to work. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this is for party time. +RACHEL: It happened! I am telling you it happened! +NOTFRIEND: What’s hard to believe? +RACHEL: Well y’know, it’s you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y’know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I’m not upset because I don’t see you guys going through with it. I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Gee, I don't know Rach. Order up! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy! +RACHEL: Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't. I don't mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom. +NOTFRIEND: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude. +RACHEL: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him! +NOTFRIEND: Well, I only said that because of Ross, you know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie. +RACHEL: She's really making her way through the group, huh? Ah, who am I to talk? +NOTFRIEND: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse. +RACHEL: Phoebe, what? Umm what?! +NOTFRIEND: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one. +RACHEL: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys. +NOTFRIEND: I liked her. +RACHEL: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones! +NOTFRIEND: Thanks! You too. +RACHEL: You said she was bald. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! +RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Any word on the apartment yet? +NOTFRIEND: That is not true! +RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? +NOTFRIEND: Don’t start doing that. You can’t do that Rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. Oh, here we go! +RACHEL: Can I? +NOTFRIEND: Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m weak, and pathetic, and sorry. +RACHEL: Okay, you are going to tell her and you’re going to tell her now. +NOTFRIEND: Shh! Nothing works with this child! +RACHEL: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can’t even comfort my own baby! I’m the worst mother ever! +NOTFRIEND: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week. +RACHEL: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler? +NOTFRIEND: No. No. No, I'mI'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you. +RACHEL: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. +NOTFRIEND: Nooo! She’s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye! +RACHEL: I don’t care! I don’t care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. And, I don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do. +RACHEL: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do! +NOTFRIEND: Am I crazy or does this totally go?! +RACHEL: You look so beautiful! +NOTFRIEND: DANGER! +RACHEL: Why is he jumping on those women! +NOTFRIEND: Anyway, um. So, you uh you nervous about Barry tomorrow? +RACHEL: Oh, a little. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, what’ going on? +RACHEL: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. Look, he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! +NOTFRIEND: I guess they weren't as good friends as we are. +RACHEL: I bet you're right. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Uh yes, heroin and crack. +NOTFRIEND: Darling, that’s a breast pump! +RACHEL: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. What’s this? +NOTFRIEND: Maybe you could be my roommate! +RACHEL: Well there’s an idea! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would you talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom? +RACHEL: But I don’t know what he looks like! +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long. +RACHEL: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago. +NOTFRIEND: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don’t care, because you got the apartment. Yes! +RACHEL: I think I’m gonna stay here. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is 400. Thanks a lot. +RACHEL: I’m not paying for half of that! I’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed. +NOTFRIEND: I can show you an ID if you want? +RACHEL: Oh no, I’m sorry, you look a lot different from the last time II saw you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither. +RACHEL: Phoebe, I'm going to Ross's wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend. +NOTFRIEND: There's the man I married! +RACHEL: All right, believe me. If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, ok, don't get all squinky. +RACHEL: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there. +NOTFRIEND: Then why did she ask us to. +RACHEL: I am still talking! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. I mean congratulations on all the cash, and-and y’know. You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?! +NOTFRIEND: Do you ever worry that you’ll be walking and your baby will just like slip out? +RACHEL: What college was that Dina? +NOTFRIEND: For what? +RACHEL: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious. +NOTFRIEND: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s gay? +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you’re right. How’s the Mrs? +RACHEL: I can’t believe they’ve been together for three years. +NOTFRIEND: That’s okay, this is more important than fruit on my ceiling! You broke up?! +RACHEL: Yeah, but it’s okay, because when Ross left Mark came over. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success, 'the munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!' +RACHEL: Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers. +NOTFRIEND: Because I think it means more to you. +RACHEL: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it. +NOTFRIEND: Good! Me neither! So it’s not a problem. We’re just two friends who happen to be roommates. +RACHEL: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I do. What's the matter? +RACHEL: I'm just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. +NOTFRIEND: We’re hanging out. +RACHEL: What’s this? Is this Ross’s wedding invitation? +NOTFRIEND: I can't find garbage bags! +RACHEL: Oh, I think I saw some in here. +NOTFRIEND: Then I blame you! Yeah! That's right! You threw me off with all your slapping! +RACHEL: Ok well, well I'm really, I'm sorry about that Joey, but do you think that maybe on some level, you don't want to take off my bra? +NOTFRIEND: See? +RACHEL:Ur huh. +NOTFRIEND: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? +RACHEL: Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. +NOTFRIEND: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. +RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute. +NOTFRIEND: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago. +RACHEL: UNI-sex. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, look I’m sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn’t have, but you got porn! +RACHEL: Hey-hey, y’know what? I don’t care! I’m not ashamed of my book. There’s nothing with a woman enjoying a little erotica. It’s just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you’re not cool with it. +RACHEL: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again? +NOTFRIEND: What's goin' on? +RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night. +NOTFRIEND: No, I didn’t! +RACHEL: Yes, you did—Oh my God you didn’t! Well then why didn’t you tell me that before?! +NOTFRIEND: Isn't he great? +RACHEL: He's so cute. And he seems to like you so much. +NOTFRIEND: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think? +RACHEL: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric Sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me. +RACHEL: Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree amp Evelyn? +NOTFRIEND: Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I, got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier. +RACHEL: Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card. From Gavin. +NOTFRIEND: What? You mean behind my back? +RACHEL: Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and. +NOTFRIEND: Ew-eww! Undies! +RACHEL: Who's are they? Who's are they? +NOTFRIEND: You don't, you don't know what your wearing? +RACHEL: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night. +NOTFRIEND: Ms. Monroe. Oh there you go. +RACHEL: You cannot get the phone that way that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone. +NOTFRIEND: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die. +RACHEL: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, let's see, who do I hate? +RACHEL: Oops, sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Honey, sweetie, by the edges. +RACHEL: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: And uh, yeah, I didn’t really, I didn’t want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess. +NOTFRIEND: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. +RACHEL: Why did you invite him? I can't stand that guy! +NOTFRIEND: Later. +RACHEL: No-no-don’t! Don’t leave me here with these people. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick? +NOTFRIEND: and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me! +RACHEL: This place is fabulous! +NOTFRIEND: How’s the big anniversary dinner? +RACHEL: Well, we never actually got to dinner. +NOTFRIEND: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember? +RACHEL: Right, right, yes! +NOTFRIEND: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face? +RACHEL: What line? +NOTFRIEND: You guys, this is Shelley, she’s interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends. +RACHEL: I’m gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want the dirt, I’m the one you come too. This might be Joey’s baby, who knows? I’m just kidding—Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you! +RACHEL:! I’m successful! +NOTFRIEND: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! +RACHEL: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I'm just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant. +NOTFRIEND: To Ross. +RACHEL: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you. +NOTFRIEND: Now? +RACHEL: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can't pretend that didn't happen can I? +NOTFRIEND: Diet Coke. +RACHEL: Op, ice. I need ice. +NOTFRIEND: It s kinda spooky without any lights hur. Whoa ar arrrr! +RACHEL: Whoa ha harrr! +NOTFRIEND: Oh well, she said we have nothing in common. +RACHEL: Oh, that's crazy! +NOTFRIEND: You start working on that list. +RACHEL: I cannot believe her. +NOTFRIEND: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes. +RACHEL: Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot! +NOTFRIEND: Really? Remember Twinkles? +RACHEL: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby! +NOTFRIEND: Isn't it. +RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'. +NOTFRIEND: You know, I don't see that happening. +RACHEL: He's right. Tit for tat. +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea. +NOTFRIEND: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry. +RACHEL: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about. +NOTFRIEND: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you! +RACHEL: I want my share of the tickets! +NOTFRIEND: Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?! +RACHEL: It’s not a big deal! +NOTFRIEND: Ah! Okay, well then you don’t judge me. I’m gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before. +RACHEL: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani’s end of the night moves? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day. +RACHEL: Close call day. +NOTFRIEND: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish. +RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. Wow, those things almost never come true. +NOTFRIEND: What’s up? You’re voice sounded all squeaky on the phone. +RACHEL: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. See you. +NOTFRIEND: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you’ve been through so much since then. And right now you’ve got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can’t you just let this go? +RACHEL: She’s right. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. +RACHEL: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? +NOTFRIEND: So, your resumé is quite impressive. +RACHEL: My resumé? I wouldn't. I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resumé. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go! +NOTFRIEND: Oh THATS ME! +RACHEL: I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's Ross's. +RACHEL: He remembered. +NOTFRIEND: Is something wrong? +RACHEL: No, it's just that uhm, it feels so good. Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden? +NOTFRIEND: Hello. +RACHEL: I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. +RACHEL: What a bitch. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, sweetie. +RACHEL: I mean we’re not, we’re not gonna live together anymore? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I know. +RACHEL: No-no! I think my water just broke. +NOTFRIEND: My God. Rachel! He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses. +RACHEL: Well I just came. She touches him near his heart. She's almost in. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? +RACHEL: What did you just say? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rache, can I get. +RACHEL: Did you talk to him? +NOTFRIEND: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. I say we blow off the dates. +RACHEL: Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, cute doctors, doctors who are cute! +NOTFRIEND: Good. +RACHEL: I'm just calling to say that uhm, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. +NOTFRIEND: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof! +RACHEL: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you! +NOTFRIEND: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume! +RACHEL: I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it. +NOTFRIEND: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge! +RACHEL: So, uhm, what are you gonna do today? +NOTFRIEND: Huh. That’s a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent. +RACHEL: Okay fine, what do you have? +NOTFRIEND: I'm sure you're right, but why? +RACHEL: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away! +NOTFRIEND: It's, like, if you wake up one day, and found out your dad was leading this, double life. He's, like, actually some spy, working for the CIA. That'd be cool. This blows! +RACHEL: Now, I know. I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? Why do they have to become people? Why do you have. Why, can't you stop staring at me breasts? +NOTFRIEND: Look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘In case you didn’t notice, I don’t like you!’ +RACHEL: Well then you’re going to have to take her out again. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, let’s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently. +RACHEL: Ohhh, look it’s the roller blades. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, that’s like the least fun game ever. +RACHEL: Well, I’m really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. +NOTFRIEND: Thankfully you don’t need me at all so Okay Super aunt see you later! Rachel let’s give it six to eight months. +RACHEL: Okay so listen I’m gonna go lay down. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. +RACHEL: Ooh, nice! +NOTFRIEND: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that? +RACHEL: You were with Kenny today, weren’t you? +NOTFRIEND: I really can’t slap you. +RACHEL: You are so beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: No, because that’s the right thing to do. +RACHEL: Yeah, maybe if you’re in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we? +NOTFRIEND: Then you're not invited. +RACHEL: You're not invited to the party we're gonna. +NOTFRIEND: You know what… these aren't half-bad! You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren. +RACHEL: Okay, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph. +NOTFRIEND: Small. +RACHEL: You are so just doing this out of spite. +NOTFRIEND: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today. +RACHEL: You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a. +NOTFRIEND: Is this your first appology? +RACHEL: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And II think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you. +NOTFRIEND: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber. +RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min. +NOTFRIEND: There’s the one! +RACHEL: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah well, at least now people will know she is a girl! +RACHEL: I can't believe I ever even tried to help you. You are so beyond help. +NOTFRIEND: Rent? +RACHEL: Rent! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Oh there is no way. +NOTFRIEND: I’m not gonna go out with him. +RACHEL: Oh my God, I can’t believe this is a real 20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting. +NOTFRIEND: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross. +RACHEL: I could call in sick and not deal with it at all. +NOTFRIEND: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before! +RACHEL: Well, it was all Ross’s idea. +NOTFRIEND: No, here's your mail. +RACHEL: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a. +RACHEL: Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh, please don’t get married before I do. +NOTFRIEND: We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing. +RACHEL: Oh, that is so tacky. +NOTFRIEND: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan. +RACHEL: And that works?! +NOTFRIEND: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back. +RACHEL: When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail. +NOTFRIEND: Good morning! +RACHEL: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn't hear about Joanna. +NOTFRIEND: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice. +RACHEL: Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets hurt? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is! +RACHEL: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man. +NOTFRIEND: I was preparing you for my, didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down? +NOTFRIEND: That's a huge thing! +RACHEL: Not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing: lately I have been having thoughts musings, if you will! +NOTFRIEND: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely. +RACHEL: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong. +NOTFRIEND: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video. +RACHEL: But what about you? +NOTFRIEND: She did? Who got her condo in Boca? +RACHEL: Oh, it's our nanny! I hope you feel better! Ok, bye! That's Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Happy wedding day! +NOTFRIEND: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch. +RACHEL: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch! +NOTFRIEND: I knew you didn't get a 1400! +RACHEL: Ssshyeah, well, duh! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi. +RACHEL: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Ross, could I talk to you in private? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I'd wait. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: You can go. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. +RACHEL: I am here to take care of you! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again. +RACHEL: Hey, that was an honest mistake! +NOTFRIEND: What do you think? +RACHEL: Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I’m the only one who can sing Merry Christmas in 25 languages. I lied. +RACHEL: Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Just watch this.! Still pretending he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. +RACHEL: yeah-yeah-yeah! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! Enjoy your flight? +RACHEL: Thank you very much, it was excellent. +NOTFRIEND: Yep. Yep, that’s what I didn’t want to know. +RACHEL: Well, oh, Mark, I’m doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I’m just doing it to get back at Ross. I’m sorry, it’s not very fair to you. +NOTFRIEND: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion. +RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again. +NOTFRIEND: I got it-I'm getting it! +RACHEL: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips. +NOTFRIEND: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you! +RACHEL: Okay, but Ross just listen to me. +NOTFRIEND: This guy! He has a killer apartment. +RACHEL: AAnd? +NOTFRIEND: So I nodded off a little. +RACHEL: Nodded off! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks! +NOTFRIEND: Well, deep-deep-deep down! +RACHEL: Yeah, I’m just mad! +NOTFRIEND: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again? +RACHEL: She asked-asked you out again? +NOTFRIEND: You know, the baby can't read, Mike! +RACHEL: You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby! +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. +RACHEL: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, are the drapes still closed hon? +RACHEL: And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over. +NOTFRIEND: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy. +RACHEL: Yes, and grumpy. +NOTFRIEND: Pierce Brosnan? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, II’m sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else. +RACHEL: That makes sense. +NOTFRIEND: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could. +RACHEL: Pheebs, what-what are you doing? +NOTFRIEND: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone? +RACHEL: No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. +NOTFRIEND: and. +RACHEL: Phoebe’s. +NOTFRIEND: Mail call. Rachel Green. Bunk 7. +RACHEL: Free sample of coffee. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! +RACHEL: Make it stop! +NOTFRIEND: Your make-up kit? I’d feel better. +RACHEL: I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself! +NOTFRIEND: Good, so do I. +RACHEL: Something to do with numbers? +NOTFRIEND: Here he comes! Hurry! +RACHEL: Oh they’re pushing! They’re pushing! +NOTFRIEND: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who, my parents actually preferred. +RACHEL: The lights, please. +NOTFRIEND: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep. +RACHEL: You don't even have cats. +NOTFRIEND: Can he handle the stick? +RACHEL: Oh well… +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Sorry. +RACHEL: We have to throw her a shower?! +NOTFRIEND: I didn't get a cat. +RACHEL: Oh, that's um, interesting. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing. +RACHEL: And I'm in it? Then let me read it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! trying on clothes. +RACHEL: Wi, in the dres, in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world! +NOTFRIEND: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant? +RACHEL: Beef. +NOTFRIEND: No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright? +RACHEL: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15. +RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: This is Bonnie? This is Bonnie? You’re Bonnie? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down. +RACHEL: I’m gonna do it too! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, how are you guys doing? +RACHEL: Monica’s moving! +NOTFRIEND: I'm just going to need to see your passport. +RACHEL: Okay, you know what? I don't have it, +NOTFRIEND: Right, right. I, I got it. I was there. +RACHEL: I mean, do you think you can ever have both? You know, someone who's, like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl? +NOTFRIEND: Great. So let's get going? +RACHEL: I mean it. After what just happened, I'm never leaving her again. +NOTFRIEND: You changed? +RACHEL: I needed my lucky dress. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven? +RACHEL: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, who wore those? +RACHEL: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw. +NOTFRIEND: He can have his job back. +RACHEL: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go! +RACHEL: I can’t. Please, you do it for me. +NOTFRIEND: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? Hi. +RACHEL: Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool? +NOTFRIEND: Come on Rach, you don't have what, ten minutes? +RACHEL: I don't have ten minutes! +NOTFRIEND: We don't. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation. +RACHEL: Oh that's so cute: Ross and Mike's first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to talk about? +NOTFRIEND: Sure! +RACHEL: Horny bitch. You’re a horny bitch! You’re the horny bitch! You’re a horny bitch! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! So, can I stay with you? +RACHEL: But Erin Brockovich had her own house. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah-yeah right. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m gonna go. +RACHEL: Please don’t! Please don’t leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! +NOTFRIEND: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie. +RACHEL: Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right? +NOTFRIEND: I know! +RACHEL: Are you ready? We're gonna be late! +NOTFRIEND: Fine, then why didn't you say something? +RACHEL: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go. Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there's your goodbye. +NOTFRIEND: That’s right. The student has become the master. +RACHEL: Ross, I swear, I don’t know. +NOTFRIEND: No! No! No! The Come here to me is y'know for the ladies. +RACHEL: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. +RACHEL: I'm sorry, what? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. +RACHEL: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?! +RACHEL: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica. +NOTFRIEND: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon. +RACHEL: Well, I gotta get up early and it’s almost seven o’clock. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean. +RACHEL: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark? +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y’know? But if she says ‘Dude, what the hell are you doing?’ I can say ‘It wasn’t me, it was New Years!’ +RACHEL: Well, that’s a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh. Ouch. +RACHEL: He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher? +RACHEL: Ross, why do you hate our child? +NOTFRIEND: So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be? +RACHEL: On Melanie Griffith in Working girl. I think what you want is over here. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, that is nice, lying! No way is that the reason. +RACHEL: Why, just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us. +RACHEL: I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. +NOTFRIEND: I KNOW! +RACHEL: Maybe he knows where Ross is. Hey, how's it going. +NOTFRIEND: You practice losing the Grammies too? +RACHEL: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win. +NOTFRIEND: Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom. +RACHEL: Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? +NOTFRIEND: Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it! +RACHEL: I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music. +RACHEL: Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I guess, it's just, you know, they're parents, after a certain point you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you gotta let them make their own mistakes. +RACHEL: Just think. In a couple of years we get to turn into them. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: What, is everything ok? +NOTFRIEND: I can’t believe she would say that too you. +RACHEL: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you? +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing here?! +RACHEL: I came with Paul! +NOTFRIEND: Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming. +RACHEL: Babies don't care if they're slim. +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing? +RACHEL: Storming out! +NOTFRIEND: Barry who you almost? +RACHEL: Barry who I almost. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay, see, that, that is the problem. He is too sensitive. +RACHEL: Too sensitive to take care of our baby? +NOTFRIEND: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol! +RACHEL: If she said to you, Ross, I want you on this couch, +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet? +RACHEL: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight? +RACHEL: Oh, I’ve got big Valentine’s plans! I’ve got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy! +NOTFRIEND: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option? +RACHEL: Yesterday! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. +RACHEL: Why why do you get the story? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don’t know any of it and I’m the father. I wish I’d be more involved y’know. +RACHEL: Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Emma might like what? +RACHEL: What did you get her? +NOTFRIEND: We’re the Bings. +RACHEL: Oh you guys look so beautiful! +NOTFRIEND: You ok? +RACHEL: medium hmm any cookies left? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel?! +RACHEL: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! +NOTFRIEND: Spuds is your grandmother? +RACHEL: That's my bubby! +NOTFRIEND: Done! +RACHEL: And an assistant. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. +RACHEL: I would love to live with you Ross that’s-that’s great! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you know what, I was looking at it upside down. +RACHEL: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: What’s up? +NOTFRIEND: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! +RACHEL: Did you see that? +NOTFRIEND: Get down! +RACHEL: Get down? +NOTFRIEND: Oh good, you’re here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable. +RACHEL: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I’m so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You’re gonna have to tell me how you did that. +NOTFRIEND: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes. +RACHEL: Once, I figure out what I'm wearing. +NOTFRIEND: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man! +RACHEL: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, there’s something uh, important I have to tell you. +RACHEL: Are you pregnant?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you're not Kip! +RACHEL: Do you even know who Kip is? +NOTFRIEND: Great! I’m looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages? +RACHEL: Sophie’s desk. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV. +RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens. +NOTFRIEND: Calm?! I wasn’t calm! I’ve never been more scared in all my life! +RACHEL: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay. +NOTFRIEND: Wha, what? +RACHEL: Ben just said hi. +NOTFRIEND: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat? +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well, Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house. +NOTFRIEND: Check your numbers! Make me rich! +RACHEL: Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words! +NOTFRIEND: You doing ok? +RACHEL: Well, I've been better. +NOTFRIEND: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she? +RACHEL: What did I just do? +NOTFRIEND: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me. +RACHEL: Monica is Ross' sister. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice. +RACHEL: What would you give up, sex or food? +NOTFRIEND: That's right good things, that-that is what I said. +RACHEL: Oh no, don't you apologize. Yeah, I'll hold. He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers. +NOTFRIEND: He said that he wasn t gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he s gonna do is have you evicted! I ll see you later. +RACHEL:! You got us evicted! +NOTFRIEND: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It’s Rachel’s tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story. +RACHEL: I wanna see it. +NOTFRIEND: Night. +RACHEL: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here? +NOTFRIEND: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top. +RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying Terry's a jerk! That's where that came from. +NOTFRIEND: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin’! +RACHEL: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives? +NOTFRIEND: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo? +RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. +NOTFRIEND: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! Oh right, real life more important. +RACHEL: So do you think that my dream means anything? +NOTFRIEND: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin? +RACHEL: We broke up two years ago you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people. +NOTFRIEND: Alright, no, we could look at them! +RACHEL: Oh, this one’s for me! +NOTFRIEND: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be, flung by now? +RACHEL: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally. +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me? +RACHEL: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married? +NOTFRIEND: A little mean? You made my life miserable! +RACHEL: I’mI’m—I had no idea. I’m sorry. +NOTFRIEND: How, how, um how can you not be going? +RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going. +NOTFRIEND: A little bit, yeah. +RACHEL: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone? +NOTFRIEND: Rache, come see who's out here! +RACHEL: Janice, hi! +NOTFRIEND: You okay? +RACHEL: I mean, do-do you think we’re ever gonna have that? +NOTFRIEND: When? +RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out? +NOTFRIEND: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head. +RACHEL: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, and where is Joey? +RACHEL: I said it's still nap time. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? II kinda have. +RACHEL: Already? That’s pretty bad what you did. +NOTFRIEND: But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we’re getting rid of her. +RACHEL: Joey, I can’t do that! +NOTFRIEND: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline. +RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe, Ross sucks! +RACHEL: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah, oh! +RACHEL: Oh, I'm so happy. +NOTFRIEND: It does? +RACHEL: And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much. +NOTFRIEND: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! +RACHEL: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight. +NOTFRIEND: 7:15. Watch doesn’t work. +RACHEL: Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch. +NOTFRIEND: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! +RACHEL: Well, hello, Mr. +NOTFRIEND: You don’t have to stick up for her. She can’t here you. +RACHEL: Umm, do you guys have any juice? +NOTFRIEND: Queens. +RACHEL: And so were-were you close to your parents? +NOTFRIEND: Yes. We’re very popular. There’s a two-year waiting list. Sorry! +RACHEL: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list. +NOTFRIEND: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would’ve been no problem? +RACHEL: It was really fun being married to you tonight. +NOTFRIEND: Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job, and you're a little crazy. +RACHEL: That's really nice. +NOTFRIEND: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch? +RACHEL: They are my friends, I wouldn’t punch any of them. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: So umm, what's this book about? +NOTFRIEND: He had to go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. +RACHEL: I don't get this! She was horrible! +NOTFRIEND: I mean they're trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I've been waiting for my whole life. +RACHEL: Well, wait a minute, you're the boss! Why don't you just yell at them? Or, fire them? +NOTFRIEND: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay? +RACHEL: Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security. +NOTFRIEND: Not anymore. +RACHEL: There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it! +NOTFRIEND: Do I? +RACHEL: ‘Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y’know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y’know? +NOTFRIEND: Okay I put most of the stuff away. +RACHEL: Oh great, the pacifiers? +NOTFRIEND: …in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant? +RACHEL: Y’know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they’re supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through! +NOTFRIEND: Gavin Mitchelle's office. +RACHEL: Rachel Green's office! Give me that phone! Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh, ok then. I'll pass you back to your son. +NOTFRIEND: But he's the same. +RACHEL: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! I married a Lesbian to make you look good! +RACHEL: I mean, you're right. It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and, and the Weebles' Cruise Ship, oh, which, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in. +NOTFRIEND: What, uh, what were you thinking? +RACHEL: I mean, we still care about each other. +NOTFRIEND: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby! +RACHEL: I have a sonogram picture! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Do you wanna play football? +NOTFRIEND: And a glass of tepid water. +RACHEL: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you! So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him! +RACHEL: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him! +NOTFRIEND: Is that college talk for horny? +RACHEL: So y’know, I have all of these feelings and I don’t know what to do about them, because I can’t date like a normal person, which is fine because I don’t need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y’know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he’s doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so…hard…to find. So how was your day? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, will you just go help her change please! +RACHEL: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey. +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know, it’s-it’s so, it’s so totally like, Whoa! Can we do this? Y’know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don’t you think? I mean, it just feels right, don’t you think? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?! +RACHEL: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want. +RACHEL: They really got you guys. Your T. V. The chairs. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. It's not different at all, is it? +RACHEL: Not unless different means the same. +NOTFRIEND: That bad? +RACHEL: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this. +NOTFRIEND: Damn! It's empty! +RACHEL: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out. +RACHEL: We can’t find Chandler…—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest. +NOTFRIEND: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. +RACHEL: I mean, isn't that just kick you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? +NOTFRIEND: Don’t do it. +RACHEL: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks! +RACHEL: I just sharpened her this morning. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa, what kind of party was this? +RACHEL: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can you have so crossed a line. +NOTFRIEND: 30 seconds. +RACHEL: 30 seconds, okay. +NOTFRIEND: What's wrong with people having sex? +RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here. +NOTFRIEND: God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so. +RACHEL: Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole, you stole it, our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now! +RACHEL: We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer. +NOTFRIEND: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh? +RACHEL: Y'know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame. +NOTFRIEND: So what was it for anyway? +RACHEL: I wanna say a disease. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, I got a message from you. +RACHEL: Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. +NOTFRIEND: Even if we want it really bad. +RACHEL: That's what we decided. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked. +RACHEL: Well, there is one thing that we haven’t tried, but someone thinks that, That will open up a can of worms. +NOTFRIEND: You actually broke her watch? +RACHEL: I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't, it isn't, it's about me, and I ju Hi, machine cut me off again, anyway. +NOTFRIEND: Not bad. +RACHEL: This one is uh Paul O’Neil. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Come on! That's not running! Let's go! +RACHEL: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man. +NOTFRIEND: No-no, that wasn't me! Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. The selection of underwear we carry. +RACHEL: Oh-oh, sorry, it's this way, it's this way. +NOTFRIEND: How was your date with Joey? +RACHEL: Well, it was good, until we got back to our apartment, and then we were fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and I kept slapping it away! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this best wishes crap. I want love. +RACHEL: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready. +RACHEL: Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean it’s my mom! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment? +NOTFRIEND: There it is. +RACHEL: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh? +RACHEL: Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay. +NOTFRIEND: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think. +RACHEL: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren. +NOTFRIEND: Okay Marjorie, hit it. +RACHEL: Geez Ross, you could have showered. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, huh. +RACHEL: I've got some bad news. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, what's going on? +RACHEL: I got a really incredible job offer. +NOTFRIEND: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, So, where is this going? +RACHEL: You asked me that. +NOTFRIEND: Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross. +RACHEL: What-what about me? +NOTFRIEND: You know, we should just go, I’m not gonna find anything here! This stuff is ridiculous! +RACHEL: Ah, this place is great! +NOTFRIEND: Good choice Ross. +RACHEL: Hi, there you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! +NOTFRIEND: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you'r loving, you make me laugh. ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'l just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes. RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was. ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even not even like, like chipmunk sex?RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo. ROSS: Knock-knock. +RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear this is the best I have ever had. ROSS: Until now. +NOTFRIEND: Just calm down woman! +RACHEL: Phoebe, I already, I already did. +NOTFRIEND: I guess they're back from their date. +RACHEL: Music. Very nice. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! SeI don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread! +RACHEL: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. +RACHEL: Oh God, she mu, she must need her diaper changed. +NOTFRIEND: That's not all. +RACHEL: Oh sure it is! +NOTFRIEND: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember? +RACHEL: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom! +NOTFRIEND: Not a good day for birds. +RACHEL: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I’m sure that happened. +RACHEL: It-it did! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that does sound. Ahh. +RACHEL: I mean he just started going out with her. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, man. I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry. +RACHEL: Y'know, you should never be allowed to talk to people! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, who cares? +RACHEL: I care! +NOTFRIEND: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is goood. +RACHEL: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some. +NOTFRIEND: What’s going on? +RACHEL: Well, we were just talkin’ about you guys gettin’ married and how great it is. +NOTFRIEND: I wanna wear this everyday. +RACHEL: You look so beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades? +RACHEL: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it! +NOTFRIEND: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? But, we don't have to go down that road. +RACHEL: Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'. +NOTFRIEND: Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma needs some makeup! +RACHEL: No, what? +NOTFRIEND: Brides magazines? +RACHEL: Yes, and I know that you’d say no if he asked you, but I’m sorry how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet? +RACHEL: No, nothin'. +NOTFRIEND: Huh. Yeah? +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, look you great. Yeah, this looks great. Umm, so you like it? +NOTFRIEND: Hell yeah! +RACHEL: I am not gonna show you this! +NOTFRIEND: So you hit her in the face? +RACHEL: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me. +NOTFRIEND: You had to be a bitch in high school. You couldn't have been fat! +RACHEL: Alright, look, OK. In high school, I was the Prom Queen, and I was the Homecoming Queen, and the class president, and you, were also there. If you take this monkey, I will loose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. Come on Louisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here. +NOTFRIEND: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations. +RACHEL: So how-how ‘bout you, are-are you seeing anybody? +NOTFRIEND: Sure. Once, at work II thought carbon dating was fossilized. +RACHEL: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?. Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge! +RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go have fun. +RACHEL: And I hope you score. +NOTFRIEND: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. +RACHEL: I feel violated. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. I don't think it's going very well. +RACHEL: What, that scene I saw was so good! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but wait. +RACHEL: Good bye! +NOTFRIEND: What happened? +RACHEL: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me. +NOTFRIEND: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! Ahhh! +RACHEL: Does it hurt? +NOTFRIEND: How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, that’s. +RACHEL: Hi, and I am also Emma’s mother. +NOTFRIEND: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green? +RACHEL: Aw, Mon. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! It flushes it. +RACHEL: Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it? +NOTFRIEND: OK, my hands were no where near your butt. +RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there. +NOTFRIEND: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name. +RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking. +NOTFRIEND: Didn’t you spend last night at Joey’s? +RACHEL: Aw what are you?! A detective? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated. +RACHEL: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? +NOTFRIEND: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago. +RACHEL: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said Uoh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips! I don’t need that kind of talk in my house! +RACHEL: Well Joey, uhm look, I know that she’s difficult, but I think it’s really good that she’s here. +NOTFRIEND: It's fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? +RACHEL: No, I was ten. I just developed early. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by. +RACHEL: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. +RACHEL: I knew. +NOTFRIEND: What? You know about the plate thing? +RACHEL: Joey doesn’t share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I’m not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead! +RACHEL: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no! +RACHEL: No-no, it’s really not huge. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I'm sure. +RACHEL: Chip! Yeah, umm, you left me a message. Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. +NOTFRIEND: You have to respect the sea! +RACHEL: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily. +RACHEL: Oh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help. Happy for you. +NOTFRIEND: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend. +RACHEL: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe! Fine, I won't use it! +NOTFRIEND: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler’s barca lounger? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it. +NOTFRIEND: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new ATeam. +RACHEL: Is Joanna in already? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I know, but I don't think that means anything. +RACHEL: Okay, Pheebs, y'know what, let's look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then. +NOTFRIEND: Will you quit hoggin’ it! +RACHEL: I’m telling you it’s like watching Bambi learn how to walk. +NOTFRIEND: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. Oh, wow! +RACHEL: Okay, you’d tell me the truth. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Go back to sleep. I have to go home. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties? +RACHEL: They put my baby’s face on a penis! +NOTFRIEND: Fine. +RACHEL: You've totally messed with the back support of my chair. How do you fix this? +NOTFRIEND: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken. +RACHEL: II don’t want your job. II don’t. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don’t even know how to use my keycard. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach! +RACHEL: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep? +NOTFRIEND: I like although! +RACHEL: I mean, you know. Ross and I haven't dated in like, six years. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! That feels sooo good! +RACHEL: Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow. +RACHEL: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it. +NOTFRIEND: Rach? +RACHEL: Yeah I know—I’m good—I got it! Now wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing I have to say to you…oh right! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt. +RACHEL: Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba. Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while. +RACHEL: But, it's not raining. +NOTFRIEND: This is a great picture. +RACHEL:! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke? +RACHEL: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha. +NOTFRIEND: I missed you too. +RACHEL: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. +NOTFRIEND: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension. +RACHEL: No awareness. +NOTFRIEND: Look, it was accident! Okay? II feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn’t even watch it! Anyway, here. I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself. +RACHEL: You don’t want to see this do you? +NOTFRIEND: I'll show you how. +RACHEL: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your special tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends? +NOTFRIEND: Yes, I realise that. +RACHEL: Summer catalogue! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these babies something to cry about! +NOTFRIEND: I guessed 20,000! +RACHEL: It is an auction! You don’t guess, you buy! +NOTFRIEND: WE WERE ON A BREAK! +RACHEL: You seem to really like her. +NOTFRIEND: Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, okay, we have to do it now. Ralph needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter shopping. +RACHEL: You win, you win. You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em dead, no one will ever remember that I worked here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter, and Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him! +NOTFRIEND: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. +RACHEL: What'd you buy? +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!' +RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion? +RACHEL: No, no, that's not what we ordered. We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! I love things. What happened? +RACHEL: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little, um, eye-contact. +NOTFRIEND: All right, me neither! I was just testing you! +RACHEL: That’s the end of this conversation! +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, how about my azzz? +RACHEL: Hey, this is hollow. +NOTFRIEND: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y’know, medical terms I wasI was thrice as randy. +RACHEL: This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa’s lap. +NOTFRIEND: Really?! We are? +RACHEL: I’m gonna have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have a girlfriend. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tried to kill you. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel. +RACHEL: No-no-no, that' not Joshua. +NOTFRIEND: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey! +RACHEL: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Sure. +RACHEL: Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah that's better than my way. +RACHEL: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too? +NOTFRIEND: Well. +RACHEL: Wait, what are you doing? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back. +RACHEL: Oh my…God! +NOTFRIEND: Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay? +RACHEL: That’s great. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this little. +NOTFRIEND: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I'm gonna show her how tough I really am! +RACHEL: You're right, you are a tough guy. You're the toughest palaeontologist I know. +NOTFRIEND: Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present? +RACHEL: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything. +NOTFRIEND: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying 'I'll see you Saturday.' +RACHEL: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn't mind. +NOTFRIEND: You won’t boss me around anymore? +RACHEL: I won’t boss you around. +NOTFRIEND: I’mI’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re a hundred percent sure. +RACHEL: All right, I’llI’ll take it again when I get home. +NOTFRIEND: I am so sorry. +RACHEL: I know that too. +NOTFRIEND: The big book of childrens' names. +RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing. +NOTFRIEND: Sorry, I’m sorry. Close, close, close. +RACHEL: Okay, just sweep it. +NOTFRIEND: I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this. +RACHEL: I’m gonna have to find another minister. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, who’s it for? +RACHEL: Dear losers, do you really think I’d hide presents under the couch? P. S. Chandler, I knew they’d break you. +NOTFRIEND: and after you've delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray. +RACHEL: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. +NOTFRIEND: No, but, your-your mad. +RACHEL: I'm not mad. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that’s it? A great idea! +RACHEL: Chandler, that’s not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you’ve just gotten her one great present? I mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? +NOTFRIEND: I’m just saying if you can’t eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself? +RACHEL: I can too eat by myself! +NOTFRIEND: About the yelling. +RACHEL: Right, and the humiliating. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: How come you didn't come over earlier? +NOTFRIEND: We need more cards. +RACHEL: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Ohh, I forgot to dial! +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody's off the phone, how 'bout a glass of wine by the fire, I could get it going again. +RACHEL: Ross you're not listening to me, I don't have time to stop. +NOTFRIEND: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one? +RACHEL: Oh what, you-you want both of them? +NOTFRIEND: Well no, wait a minute, that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best. +RACHEL: What do you, what do you mean? +NOTFRIEND: Oh that's great! You are the best! +RACHEL: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? Y'know what, actually. Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here? +NOTFRIEND: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. Seriously. +RACHEL: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay? +RACHEL: I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It’s a very big deal, there’s a lot of people there I have to meet. +NOTFRIEND: Humpf, remember him? How we used to make out all the time after you went to sleep. +RACHEL: Sometimes just nodding is ok. Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that you care about! +NOTFRIEND: Come on, Mom, I'll take you home. +RACHEL: I'll go with you. +NOTFRIEND: You know, I would give her up, for you. +RACHEL: No, I couldn't let you do that. +NOTFRIEND: You got it from Pottery Barn?! +RACHEL: It’s an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is? +NOTFRIEND: Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? II’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so… +RACHEL: Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben? +NOTFRIEND: Hot coffee! You idiot! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?! +RACHEL: What’s your favourite thing about summertime? +NOTFRIEND: Because II like you. +RACHEL: You like me? +NOTFRIEND: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are. +RACHEL: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, wish me luck! +RACHEL: Ok, not that you need it but good. He's straight, right? +NOTFRIEND: Right! Right! I just—I want you to know that I’m going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor’s appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment—Although we could probably worry about that ‘til after we get married. +RACHEL: What married? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I think that'd be best. So, so I'm gonna. I'm gonna take off. +RACHEL: Although. +NOTFRIEND: No? +RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table? +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: Let’s go to lunch. +NOTFRIEND: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. +RACHEL: Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store. +NOTFRIEND: Rach look, I really don’t think that’s such a great… +RACHEL: Okay, you go do it! I’ll come back to that set! I’ll meet more actors! I’ll meet ‘em all! +NOTFRIEND: It doesn't go with any of my stuff. +RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff? +NOTFRIEND: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time. You don’t remember? +RACHEL: I’m sorry Pheebs, I guess I’m just really said that I’m leaving. +NOTFRIEND: Yes. +RACHEL: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it. +RACHEL: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store. +NOTFRIEND: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. Are you okay? +RACHEL: You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter. +NOTFRIEND: Because, II should've called! Y'know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would've gone out with Nick, and they would've ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples! +RACHEL: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: This bench, it’s hollow! I can’t believe I never knew that! Oh, the presents! +NOTFRIEND: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened? +RACHEL: Yes of course, absolutely! +NOTFRIEND: You don’t think I know that! +RACHEL: see I can’t decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table. +NOTFRIEND: Uhh-huh. +RACHEL: So you know, I. I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her? +RACHEL: I’ll figure something out. +NOTFRIEND: It's that terrible? +RACHEL: Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you. +NOTFRIEND: Here you go. +RACHEL: Oh, y'know what, I didn’t want cinnamon on this. +NOTFRIEND: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay? +RACHEL: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think so! You’re just giving me Ruth so you’ll get to name it when it’s a boy, and that’s when you’ll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia. +RACHEL: I would—Sequoia? +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. It’s okay, I mean I, look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that! +RACHEL: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about Naked Wednesday’s. +NOTFRIEND: Porsche. +RACHEL: This is totally your fault! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon! +RACHEL: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day! +NOTFRIEND: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way. +RACHEL: Come on, I don't know what else to do. +NOTFRIEND: Sure, you want to go upstairs? +RACHEL: Um look I was thinking. If its ok with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I need uh… I’m just—I don’t know—I don’t understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom. +RACHEL: I know, but y’know condoms only work like 97 of the time. +NOTFRIEND: Well, you’re not. +RACHEL: Oh, it’s so easy for you I mean, you’re not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want! +NOTFRIEND: BACK OFF! Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up! +RACHEL: What is that noise? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention? +RACHEL: We can't. We're not pharmacists! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch. +RACHEL: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or your mom? +NOTFRIEND: Huh. +RACHEL: Look at her. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: And you know Monica and Ross! +NOTFRIEND: This is a glaucoma test. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: I just came for the red-velvet pillow. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, there you go. +NOTFRIEND: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom. +RACHEL: I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I’m gonna go to the bathroom. +NOTFRIEND: You’re just saying that 'cause I said no to your name! +RACHEL: I’m really, really not. +NOTFRIEND: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? +RACHEL: Oooohh that’s interesting. +NOTFRIEND: Uhh. Shall I go on? +RACHEL: He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there? +NOTFRIEND: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. Ross! Ross! I’m kidding! +RACHEL: Yeah, come here! +NOTFRIEND: Why are you laughing? +RACHEL: Because, because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when I said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel was like, You are such an idiot! +NOTFRIEND: Noo. Why? +RACHEL: Well, apparently he scares easy. +NOTFRIEND: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope. +RACHEL: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba. +NOTFRIEND: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and. +RACHEL: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back. +NOTFRIEND: I’m just kidding. I’m getting married July 25th. +RACHEL: I’m just kidding too. I’m getting married in December. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair. +RACHEL: Okay uh, but before you do that. II, I need you to talk to me. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married! +RACHEL: That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you! +NOTFRIEND: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! +RACHEL: In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Good night! +RACHEL: Goo-ood night! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, where'd you get that? +RACHEL: I went really long. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? +RACHEL: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach. +RACHEL: Stop picturing it! +NOTFRIEND: All right, that’s it, I’m getting out of here. +RACHEL: You know, there’s other stuff. Here’s a nice shirt, look at these nice pants. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny. +RACHEL: Ohh-ha-ha! +NOTFRIEND: Everybody! +RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa. +NOTFRIEND: So Rach! You’re the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you’ll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y’know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much. +RACHEL: I have. +NOTFRIEND: can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre! +RACHEL: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk! +NOTFRIEND: No I—Mona! +RACHEL: Oh, I gotta go back in there. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. +RACHEL: Mon, I'm so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it? +RACHEL: I'll call ya! +NOTFRIEND: Good night! +RACHEL: Seriously, good night! +NOTFRIEND: But it was a deap meaningful relationship. +RACHEL: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous. Tag's last name was Morgan! +NOTFRIEND: Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning. +RACHEL: But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this. +NOTFRIEND: So? +RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Nope, that patch is no good. +RACHEL: Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since. +NOTFRIEND: You are a frightening, frightening man. +RACHEL: My new Paolo shoes! +NOTFRIEND: Linen closet. +RACHEL: The diapers? +NOTFRIEND: We? +RACHEL: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: I'm just not going. +NOTFRIEND: Yes! +RACHEL: Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! +NOTFRIEND: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha… Oh God! So…so hot! Oh my— By the way, you don’t want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye. +RACHEL: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Ross, bahhhh! +RACHEL: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! II teach it in my class. +RACHEL: I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I’m bored. +NOTFRIEND: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff? +RACHEL: I'm still pursuing that. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: So I'm out having lunch at Monica's and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he's gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview! +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna miss you! +RACHEL: I mean it’s the end of an era! +NOTFRIEND: Does it really matter? +RACHEL: Wow, it is hot in here. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. +RACHEL: It's just some things I've been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel. +RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this. +NOTFRIEND: No! Because he's in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if. +RACHEL: It's not over until someone says, I do. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what do you do? +RACHEL: Well, I usually go, play Tetris on somebody else's computer. +NOTFRIEND: Any woman would be lucky to have ya. +RACHEL: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey. +NOTFRIEND: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! I didn’t say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me! +RACHEL: All right, stand up. Well, when we’re at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, Hmmm. Okay, I know it doesn’t sound like anything, but I swear it works. +NOTFRIEND: Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey. +RACHEL: Ooy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah! +RACHEL: Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: They rushed into this thing so fast it’s ridiculous! I mean, they’re gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they’ve done and they’re call the whole thing off. I’m telling ya, you’re gonna be dancing at my wedding before you’re dancing at there’s. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that is so sweet. Oh gosh. I love you. Insurance? +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that. Monica: You don't have insurance? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know! +RACHEL: Yes, you do want to know! +NOTFRIEND: How could you loose him? +RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know, we were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe. +NOTFRIEND: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown! +RACHEL: Baddest man in the whole damn town. +NOTFRIEND: Pants off Bing! +RACHEL: Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to? +NOTFRIEND: Bus? +RACHEL: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, look who's up. +RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this. +NOTFRIEND: I'm free! I'm free! +RACHEL: Look, there's Joey's picture! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. So well I’ll umm, I’ll have her home by midnight. +RACHEL: Why aren’t you home yet?! +NOTFRIEND: What?! I wh-, what’s wrong? +RACHEL: I’m sorry, I just can’t go to the hospital lookin’ like this. +NOTFRIEND: Oww! +RACHEL: Yeah, you like that baby? May we help you? +NOTFRIEND: I told you there was going to be sub-titles. +RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date. +NOTFRIEND: It’s…still beautiful. +RACHEL: It’s horrible! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset. +RACHEL: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo? +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house. +RACHEL: It's too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. Look at her, she's even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin, swans. +NOTFRIEND: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere! +RACHEL: Oh that. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half human and half pure evil! +RACHEL: Hi Dr. Long, how are you? +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! Joey, do they know that we know? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, have fun! Wooo! +RACHEL: Come on see, she doesn't look that bad. +NOTFRIEND: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night. +RACHEL: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh? +NOTFRIEND: Oh actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages? +RACHEL: Oh yeah, go ahead. +NOTFRIEND: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire. +RACHEL: Anymore! +NOTFRIEND: Good God man don’t anger it. +RACHEL: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable. +NOTFRIEND: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, thank you, but I don't really need your help? +RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen. +NOTFRIEND: Some day, maybe. +RACHEL: Funny book? +NOTFRIEND: My fault?! You threatened the judge! +RACHEL: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine! +NOTFRIEND: Why do you care so much anyway? +RACHEL: All right, y'know what I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that y'know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if. If Hugsy means that much to Emma then, well she can have him. +RACHEL: Oooh, you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. Look Emma, look who's baaack! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like. What the hell is my problem? OH! +RACHEL: Ok, uh, maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl. +NOTFRIEND: Eh, don't be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in. +RACHEL: Still in love with?! +NOTFRIEND: You owe me a waffle. +RACHEL: He's a, he's a black Capuchin monkey, with a white face. +NOTFRIEND: I'm telling you, I watched the tape. +RACHEL: Did you watch the tape? +NOTFRIEND: No I didn’t! +RACHEL: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Well, I guess we have some time to kill. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yes! Oh yes! +RACHEL: You think I trust you with it?! We’re gonna split it! You take half and I take half! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? I just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. And what’s more different than me a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? Not just a hat rack my friend! +RACHEL: Pheebs, I have to ask you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us! +RACHEL: Let us keep the apartment and. +NOTFRIEND: I can scratch that right off. +RACHEL: Joey, no: this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real, and that one is gonna mean something. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day. +RACHEL: Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t get her a calendar! +NOTFRIEND: You slept out here? +RACHEL: Amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling ‘Myron, get off!’ +NOTFRIEND: So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. +RACHEL: Just keep walkin'! +NOTFRIEND: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year. +RACHEL: That’s-that’s great! I already feel like I know you a little better! Now we can go eat. Let’s go. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Opening Credits Ross and Rachels Apartment Ross and Rachel are putting baby stuff together like they're going to be. +RACHEL: This is going to be your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh, what? +RACHEL: Well since I’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Oh, can we read them? +NOTFRIEND: What happened? I’m just eating candy. +RACHEL: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it. +NOTFRIEND: London is stupid! Stupid! +RACHEL: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me. +NOTFRIEND: It's the museum again, can I, oh. +RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once. +NOTFRIEND: Oh God. I'll be right there, Bernice. +RACHEL: Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how. +NOTFRIEND: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman. +RACHEL: Oh Joey this is crazy! +NOTFRIEND: Why would I have the keys? +RACHEL: Aside from the fact that you said you had them? +NOTFRIEND: I guess so. +RACHEL: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! No like, What’s that?! +NOTFRIEND: What are you writing? +RACHEL: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket. +NOTFRIEND: Ross? What's with the neck? +RACHEL: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor. +NOTFRIEND: Kidding! I'm gonna get there early, but I'm going to put you on the V. I. P list, okay? Look for me. +RACHEL: Yeah, great, you betcha! +NOTFRIEND: I’ll make something up! I’m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman! +RACHEL: No, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that I have a key to her office, I’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out. +NOTFRIEND: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him. +RACHEL: This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. You have got to get over this Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay? +NOTFRIEND: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what. +RACHEL: I had a bra. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah we do! +RACHEL: Ohh, well you got ‘em. +NOTFRIEND: I know, I know it was stupid. +RACHEL:! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was…really wonderful! Did you just make that up? +NOTFRIEND: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. +RACHEL: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: Could you get that? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. +RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details. +NOTFRIEND: Bye-bye! +RACHEL: Okay, I need a date! +NOTFRIEND: Na-huh. +RACHEL: So, I love you. +NOTFRIEND: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries. +RACHEL: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight. +NOTFRIEND: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, Who are you wearing?! You look fabulous! +RACHEL: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I forgot my scarf. +RACHEL: You know what, I can't do this. I don't know which one of you guys to pick. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley. +RACHEL: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic. +NOTFRIEND: Umm? +RACHEL: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, Baby Girl GellerGreen. +RACHEL: Hello baby girl. +NOTFRIEND: So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two. +RACHEL: There isn't. There is totally isn't. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it's gonna be okay. +RACHEL: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time? +NOTFRIEND: I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore. +RACHEL: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you’ve got a girlfriend? +NOTFRIEND: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years. +RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know. +NOTFRIEND: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today. +RACHEL: Why today? +NOTFRIEND: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you. +RACHEL: Well… Umm, I got TiVo. +NOTFRIEND: You have scratches all over you, what happened? +RACHEL: Well, it's my cat. +NOTFRIEND: Not yet. +RACHEL: Then, no. +NOTFRIEND: It's just that. I don't understand it. I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy? +RACHEL: You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho! +NOTFRIEND: I really think they’re out of rooms. +RACHEL: They’re not! Ross, they’re just saving them for the important people!! What-what if I was the president?! +NOTFRIEND: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer? +RACHEL: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, Rach, how come you have. +RACHEL: Oh, do I? +NOTFRIEND: I can’t! I can’t! Unless. Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn’t buy that lamp? +RACHEL:! I’m not gonna move out! +NOTFRIEND: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out! +RACHEL: I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL:! This is gonna be a while. +NOTFRIEND: hm-mmm. Mom said she gained like fifteen pounds. +RACHEL: Hips or thighs? +NOTFRIEND: Ross? Can we just close the door? +RACHEL: Ross, say something. +NOTFRIEND: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price. +RACHEL: Joey, we're not keeping this! +NOTFRIEND: Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't even undo my bra! +RACHEL: I do not know what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before and that's been great! But this time it was leading somewhere and I was very aware of the fact that it was Joey touching me. +NOTFRIEND: I know! I know. You know what? I’m putting Ruth back on the table! +RACHEL: We’ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth. +NOTFRIEND: I can do that! +RACHEL: Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. +NOTFRIEND: Yo hooo! +RACHEL: Where the hell've you been? +NOTFRIEND: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel plan! +RACHEL: I can’t believe you lied to me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Look! +RACHEL: I’ve never lived like this before. +NOTFRIEND: Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk! +RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer. +NOTFRIEND: I mean after tomorrow night. +RACHEL: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! It’s just gonna freak me out! +NOTFRIEND: Well what do I know?! I’m not a doctor! +RACHEL: But I—But everything is okay. I’m fine! +NOTFRIEND: Get away! +RACHEL: Just once! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on! It’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I’m pretty much just in there by myself. +RACHEL: Promise me, you will end it. +NOTFRIEND: Sounds like a really bad idea to me. +RACHEL: Is he okay in there? +NOTFRIEND: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. +RACHEL: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold. +NOTFRIEND: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me. +RACHEL: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing. +NOTFRIEND: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words Will you marry me? +RACHEL: And the ring, was the size of my fist! +NOTFRIEND: Nice. +RACHEL: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage. +NOTFRIEND: Nice try. +RACHEL: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone? +NOTFRIEND: No, I just, I fell down. +RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey? +NOTFRIEND: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? +RACHEL: It's not okay! I can't believe you would want to after what he did to me! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place? +RACHEL: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a a purse, y'know? Or a or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha It's a metaphor, Daddy! +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no Rach, please, don’t be sorry. Okay? Don’t be sorry. Y’know I was only kidding you. +RACHEL: Yeah, that was a real good one. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Here comes another contraction. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Where you goin'? +NOTFRIEND: Come on. +RACHEL: Alright, errrr the weirdest place, would have to beeee, oh, the foot of the bed. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks, Bernice. Let's go away. +RACHEL: Come on, this is all way too. +NOTFRIEND: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance. +RACHEL: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Ugh, the worse day! Y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel. +NOTFRIEND: From. Cosmo? +RACHEL: climax your way to better skin. +NOTFRIEND: Not possible! She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls. +RACHEL: So how is the uhm, baby styling business going? +NOTFRIEND: Oh that's an eye removal machine. +RACHEL: All right, I'm outta here! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, try holding her a different way. +RACHEL: You guys, I’m doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try. +NOTFRIEND: What?! There’s only been like four kids. +RACHEL: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, there was some staring and pointing. +RACHEL: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! +NOTFRIEND: We get high. +RACHEL: Oh, me too. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! +RACHEL: Who are we spying on? +NOTFRIEND: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks. +RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what? +NOTFRIEND: Or incredibly offensive. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, sure, that too. +NOTFRIEND: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? +RACHEL: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun. +NOTFRIEND: Ahhh. Eh? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing. +RACHEL: Yeah, but you said, Will you marry me? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but after that, we’re shootin’ some pool. +RACHEL: Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don’t think this is. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know what, y'know what, I’mI’m not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You’re the one that bailed on us. You’re the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough! +RACHEL: That’s. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable! +RACHEL: She won a thousand dollars! +NOTFRIEND: Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out! +RACHEL: Hey, I thought that guy was married. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry? +RACHEL: And he said really mean things that were only partly true. +NOTFRIEND: No kidding? +RACHEL: In fact you know what I'd do? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Well I love you too. +NOTFRIEND: You guys ready for the movies? +RACHEL: Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine. +NOTFRIEND: On your dresser. +RACHEL: Okay that is the one we already have! +NOTFRIEND: Get out! +RACHEL: Are they right? +NOTFRIEND: Uh yes! Thank you. +RACHEL: Oh wait no. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna start getting ready! +RACHEL: Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Chandler! +RACHEL: I can't believe Mark didn't call. It's Sunday night, and he didn't call. +NOTFRIEND: Fine. +RACHEL: Y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest! +NOTFRIEND: Ok, yeah, ok. Oh. +RACHEL: Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't. +RACHEL: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things. +NOTFRIEND: True, but you’re allowed to be unreasonable. You’re having our baby. +RACHEL: Oh Ross, thank you. +NOTFRIEND: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him? +RACHEL: Y’know Bob in Human Resources… +NOTFRIEND: Please take your time, it’s an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin. +RACHEL: Blueberry. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: I’m gonna check my messages. +NOTFRIEND: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl? +RACHEL: Oh, she's still napping. +NOTFRIEND: I'll help you fix your sweater. +RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse. +NOTFRIEND: Let me see. Oh, right. +RACHEL: When did you go to a sperm bank? +NOTFRIEND: You’re a mean old woman. +RACHEL: Wait no! Shut up—I mean don’t cry! Let me get my checkbook! +NOTFRIEND: I feel so stupid, you know? Why, why do I keep going after the wrong girls? +RACHEL: WWhat are you, what are you talking about? +NOTFRIEND: No! It’s where you put the dirty ones! +RACHEL: Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster? +NOTFRIEND: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore. +RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra? +NOTFRIEND: Shhh! I’m swamped right now. +RACHEL: You’re just staring into space. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. +RACHEL: When Carol was pregnant with Ben. +NOTFRIEND: Oh Fonzie. +RACHEL: Y'know who I always liked? Mork. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house. +RACHEL: All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out. +NOTFRIEND: You never cooked since 1996. +RACHEL: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. +NOTFRIEND: Well he actually saw you a little bit too. +RACHEL: Oh God we did we didn’t, we didn’t uhh. +NOTFRIEND: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. +RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine. +RACHEL: Oh my God, what happened? +NOTFRIEND: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram. +RACHEL: Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn… +NOTFRIEND: Oh, she looks just like a little doll! +RACHEL: That is a doll. +NOTFRIEND: No, no! +RACHEL: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I gotta go. +RACHEL:!! +NOTFRIEND: Mazel tov. +RACHEL: Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in here? +NOTFRIEND: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it. +RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help? +NOTFRIEND: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates. +RACHEL: Oh my God Monica, who is that? +NOTFRIEND: The coins have finally forgiven me! +RACHEL: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! +NOTFRIEND: She was. Carbs found her. See, this is what I wanted. Two sisters, talking about real stuff. +RACHEL: Oh, I can give you that. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party. +RACHEL: There was a woman at the. The stripper?! +NOTFRIEND: There's sooo much you don't know. +RACHEL: Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship? +NOTFRIEND: I didn't even think about that! Aaargh, sexual politics! +RACHEL: Hey Pheebs, I'mI'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something. +NOTFRIEND: You know it's me? +RACHEL: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden! +NOTFRIEND: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy. +RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy? +NOTFRIEND: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! +RACHEL: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a a purse, y'know? Or a or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha It's a metaphor, Daddy! +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Umm, I think there’s something that we really need to talk about. +NOTFRIEND: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better? +RACHEL: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk. +NOTFRIEND: Both of them? +RACHEL: No, one of them. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice. +RACHEL: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back. +NOTFRIEND: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad. +RACHEL: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are? +NOTFRIEND: Uh-oh, what's the matter? +RACHEL: Ohh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for? +RACHEL: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it's just time to move on. Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy! +RACHEL: Hey, who's Phoebe with? +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe did the signs! +RACHEL: Oh you guys thanks for doing this. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! What an unusual cat! +RACHEL: You want it? +NOTFRIEND: Good for you! +RACHEL: It's in Paris. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane. +RACHEL: Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: See you, bye. +NOTFRIEND: Are you serious? +RACHEL: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up? +NOTFRIEND: Well, now I don't have to. +RACHEL: Ross, what is taking you so long? +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can't stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons. +RACHEL: God, I am so glad you don't have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn't even consider applying. +NOTFRIEND: So apparently I’m available for lunch. +RACHEL: I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting. +NOTFRIEND: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine. +RACHEL: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked. +RACHEL: So I can be by myself. Have a little alone time. +NOTFRIEND: Well, now’s a good time. I’m on my way to have my ears cut off. +RACHEL: Joey asked me marry him. +NOTFRIEND: That s, that s classic! +RACHEL: Oh my God, you guys, whata my doin whata my doin this is so un-meee? +NOTFRIEND: RACHEL PLEASE! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US! +RACHEL: Joey, it's okay. Settle down. +NOTFRIEND: I get it! Well, that's that. +RACHEL: No, you know what, I think you should go. +NOTFRIEND: So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven. +RACHEL: Oh, that sounds good! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: You’re a pathetic loser, right? +NOTFRIEND: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em. +RACHEL: Do you really want an award you didn’t win? +NOTFRIEND: What’s wrong? +RACHEL: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble. +RACHEL: You think so? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren? +RACHEL: No, she was just much better at job than me! +NOTFRIEND: You went out with Wallis Pincer? +RACHEL: Uh, he took the SAT's for me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know. +RACHEL: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment? +NOTFRIEND: Vomiting stories are funny. +RACHEL: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees! +NOTFRIEND: Eh, ‘cause I knew that if I told you, you’d make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on. +RACHEL: I cannot believe you. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok? +RACHEL: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled? +NOTFRIEND: There it is, you're blushing! +RACHEL: No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa! +RACHEL: Whoa what? +NOTFRIEND: Sounds like you’re a little jealous. +RACHEL: I’m not! III just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at Sluts ‘R’ Us! +NOTFRIEND: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn’t he called, Rachel? Why? +RACHEL: Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, what's that like? +RACHEL: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Made in Mexico! Ugh, who would buy this?! +NOTFRIEND: Dinah? +RACHEL: Ohhhhh, don't be mad. +NOTFRIEND: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future. +RACHEL: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?! +NOTFRIEND: I'm not! I'm making it easier! Pick me! +RACHEL: Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah! +RACHEL: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. +NOTFRIEND: Now that’s a thinker. +RACHEL: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. +NOTFRIEND: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants. +RACHEL: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-hmm. +RACHEL: You guys are gonna come and visit me, right? +NOTFRIEND: Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair! +RACHEL: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. +NOTFRIEND: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him! +RACHEL: Yeah, III just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass! +NOTFRIEND: It was Jones. +RACHEL: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend? +NOTFRIEND: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? There you go. +RACHEL: How come we have one extra place setting? +NOTFRIEND: You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me! +RACHEL: Kinda in the middle of a story here! +NOTFRIEND: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys. +RACHEL: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine. +NOTFRIEND: What did Joey say? I like you back? +RACHEL: Uh, yeah, well, see, he. Joey knows, that I'mI'm very insecure about my back and, and you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! +RACHEL: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again! +NOTFRIEND: It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay. +RACHEL: Mrs. Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it. +RACHEL: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. +NOTFRIEND: I took your advice, I left Myron. +RACHEL: Oh, good for you! +NOTFRIEND: Animal Control. +RACHEL: See, I've even got Animal Control. +NOTFRIEND: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff. +RACHEL: Down at the docks again? +NOTFRIEND: Can you people not see me?! +RACHEL: So, will you talk to him? +NOTFRIEND: What the hell is that?! +RACHEL: It's a, it's a cat! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, moist, yeah. +RACHEL: Let's dry 'em again. +NOTFRIEND: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles? +RACHEL: You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down? +NOTFRIEND: What?! Why?! +RACHEL: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and. +NOTFRIEND: So, are you experiencing any discomfort? +RACHEL: I’m very comfortable. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: You know what I really really want? +NOTFRIEND: I'm feeling better. +RACHEL: Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh? +NOTFRIEND: So, there was no miracle?! +RACHEL: No Joe, no miracle. +NOTFRIEND: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. Yes? +RACHEL: If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, I filled them out last night? +RACHEL: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those? +NOTFRIEND: Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are, you're so brave. +RACHEL: Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. See that's a good boy. How could you do that to him! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! +NOTFRIEND: Because you broke a chair and you broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me! +RACHEL: No-no-no! This chair’s not going anywhere. +NOTFRIEND: I know. I know. +RACHEL: It kinda worked. I mean y’know, I don’t know about you buy I haven’t thought about our thing since all this. +NOTFRIEND: He’s Greek Orthodox. +RACHEL: As are you. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated. +RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel? Do you smoke? +RACHEL: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories, about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke. +NOTFRIEND: Yesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me a really good actor. I got a call-back, so I'm drinking everything. Oh, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great! +RACHEL: Joey, that was formula. +NOTFRIEND: This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing! +RACHEL: O-k. +NOTFRIEND: I'm never gonna find love again. +RACHEL: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? +NOTFRIEND: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did. +RACHEL: What's that like? +NOTFRIEND: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off. +RACHEL:! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me. +NOTFRIEND: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk. In New York, it's. +RACHEL: Oh boy. +NOTFRIEND: Here goes. +RACHEL: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah me too, all night. +RACHEL:! How come we didn’t cross paths? +NOTFRIEND: Are they here yet? +RACHEL: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok? +NOTFRIEND: Ohhh. +RACHEL: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final. +RACHEL: Well, it's about time. +NOTFRIEND: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much. +RACHEL: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross? +NOTFRIEND: But you live here! You know that. +RACHEL: What-what-what are you gonna do? +NOTFRIEND: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school? +RACHEL: Um-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: From now? +NOTFRIEND: Where did you have it? +RACHEL: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn’t She Lovely as I walked down the aisle. +NOTFRIEND: How can I be sure on that? +RACHEL: Oh we just—we drove each other crazy! +NOTFRIEND: Nice uh, costume. +RACHEL: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! Gimme an ‘E!’ +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects! +RACHEL: All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life and this is how you repay me? +NOTFRIEND: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about? +RACHEL: I don't know right, he's the pig! +NOTFRIEND: Still crying? +RACHEL: Like a little girl. This is all my fault I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn’t know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it? +RACHEL: Any chance you think the couch looks good there? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, God bless us, everyone. +RACHEL: I'm serving my last cup of coffee. Enjoy. +NOTFRIEND: All right now, so? What do you think? +RACHEL: I don’t know. Is it crazy? +NOTFRIEND: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse. +RACHEL: Oh, that’s great! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom. +RACHEL: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay. +RACHEL: Oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground! +RACHEL: Oh my God, what!? +NOTFRIEND: Really! That long?! Look all you want, it’s happening! +RACHEL: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years. Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty. +NOTFRIEND: Well someone does. +RACHEL: Well, don’t look at me! My hair’s straight! +NOTFRIEND: It's over. +RACHEL: Oh, was it awful? +NOTFRIEND: Make me rich! +RACHEL: Isn't that amazing? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica. +RACHEL: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait, I said maybe! +NOTFRIEND: I notice that you've been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities. +RACHEL: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me. +NOTFRIEND: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents without having to talk to people I don’t even like! +RACHEL: Surprise… +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave. +RACHEL: Look at you making up crap for me. +NOTFRIEND: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other? +RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset because nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just. +NOTFRIEND: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little. +RACHEL: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements. +NOTFRIEND: And, a brownie! Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just bag. It’s been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin’ to feel faint so. +RACHEL: I actually feel like I’m going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about……there. +NOTFRIEND: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right? +RACHEL: uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Okay sorry, whew. +RACHEL: I'm sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and I'm sorry but that's. +NOTFRIEND: Morning! +RACHEL: Hi, it’s me. I’ve been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid. +NOTFRIEND: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs. +RACHEL: Nobody does honey. +NOTFRIEND: I’m not quite sure. +RACHEL: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, Eight years. And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are. +NOTFRIEND: And so do I. +RACHEL: Y’know what, II have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed? +NOTFRIEND: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice. +RACHEL: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp. +NOTFRIEND: Why? +RACHEL: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet. I mean, nobody else has a chance! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: Yeah, and umm my baby. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! My head! Oh! Oh! +RACHEL: Coming. +NOTFRIEND: 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. +RACHEL: Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'? +NOTFRIEND: I am going. I'm going-Turn it over! I'm. I am going to get these drops in your eyes. +RACHEL: You really are freakishly strong! +NOTFRIEND: Is this what you had in mind? +RACHEL: I'll say. +NOTFRIEND: I have no idea! +RACHEL: I’ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment! +RACHEL: Let's get this over with! Look what I did! Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! We're gonna have to reschedule! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! I know queen is high! +NOTFRIEND: How'd it go? +RACHEL: Y'know, it was, uh, it was actually really great. He took. +NOTFRIEND: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,, it doesn't make much of a difference. +RACHEL: So, like, you guys all have jobs? +NOTFRIEND: No, they-they weren’t in the play. +RACHEL: We’re not actors. +NOTFRIEND: Well you can split it with another credit card. +RACHEL: Ohh, okay, how about five. +NOTFRIEND: I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? +RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, that's me. +RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while. +NOTFRIEND: This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. Okay, here we go. +RACHEL: Ooh, my! Why is that baby torturing that woman?! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Let's bring it in. +RACHEL: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me. +NOTFRIEND: What is the matter with you?! Why aren’t you more upset?! Aren’t you gonna be sad that we’re not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren’t you gonna miss me at all?! +RACHEL: All right, fine, but don’t get mad at me. It’s-it’s just a little hard to believe. +NOTFRIEND: So, I’ll umm. +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry I spoiled you’re evening. +NOTFRIEND: It’s actually a bassinet. +RACHEL: Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. +NOTFRIEND: No, I was talking about your bedding. +RACHEL: What's your news, Amy? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? Sometimes it's. +RACHEL: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose. +NOTFRIEND: If onlythere was something in your head to control the things you say. +RACHEL: You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green? +NOTFRIEND: Why? Why can’t the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us? +RACHEL: Isn’t that a line from the show?! +NOTFRIEND: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. +RACHEL: I mean, isn't that just kick you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? +NOTFRIEND: Uh, uh, what're'you, what're'you guys doing here? +RACHEL: Uh, we are here to break up with you. +NOTFRIEND: I Know! +RACHEL: What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic? +NOTFRIEND: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way. +RACHEL: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases. +NOTFRIEND: What are we going to do?! +RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know. +NOTFRIEND: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet? +RACHEL: If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!? +NOTFRIEND: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the ChanChan man! +RACHEL: That was surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all? +NOTFRIEND: Sorry. +RACHEL: Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great! +NOTFRIEND: Why, so he can get mad at the baby? +RACHEL: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. Oh, everything okay with the waiter? +NOTFRIEND: Is someone there? +RACHEL: Oh yes, it’s me! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know, I’ve never had to use the other one. I’m just saying y’know, if we’re having sex, he’s not gonna be talking. +RACHEL: Oh that’s right. You’re the talker. Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store I told him that I would buy him some more tissues. +NOTFRIEND: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?! +RACHEL: Oh y’know what honey? Let’s not talk about that right now? +NOTFRIEND: It looks like a women's purse. +RACHEL: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. See look, men, carrying the bag. +NOTFRIEND: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? What do you want to do today? +RACHEL: I don’t want to do anything. +NOTFRIEND: She seems really, really fun! +RACHEL: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close. +NOTFRIEND: Dear Lord. +RACHEL: I’m sorry honey, what were you saying? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: The bll is drrbing! +NOTFRIEND: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding? +RACHEL: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book! +NOTFRIEND: Gladys? +RACHEL: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww! +RACHEL: I can't believe you just did that! +NOTFRIEND: I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we? +RACHEL: That’s why I brought it up. They didn’t have any sodas? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: What’s up?! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah. It wasn't every morning. +RACHEL: Oh, making it worse! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t want to say. +RACHEL: Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it! +NOTFRIEND: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! Oh! My God! You're breathtaking! +RACHEL: What d'you want? +NOTFRIEND: Would you surrogate? +RACHEL: Depends who asked. +NOTFRIEND: Then why did you move?! +RACHEL: Because I knew you were lying! +NOTFRIEND: I gotta get the before shot! +RACHEL: Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming. +NOTFRIEND: That's cool. But, but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice. +RACHEL: We're never gonna find a nanny. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya? +RACHEL: Oh y’know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck! +NOTFRIEND: Still, I was quick as a cat. +RACHEL: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, Rachel! +NOTFRIEND: So? +RACHEL: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy. +NOTFRIEND: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother. +RACHEL: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: I had it. Oh, I can't believe this. +NOTFRIEND: You'd wait? +RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait, then I'd wait some more. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! +RACHEL: It was unbelievable! +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe, wait a minute! +RACHEL: I'm an assistant buyer! +NOTFRIEND: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me. +RACHEL: Well that too. +NOTFRIEND: Hang on. +RACHEL: Hello, excuse me. +NOTFRIEND: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen? +RACHEL: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said Wait a minute! and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact, was true. +NOTFRIEND: Oh good, you scared me for a minute. +RACHEL: Shake it off. +NOTFRIEND: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi. +RACHEL: Ohh, I would love too. +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives. +NOTFRIEND: You’re gonna get pregnant. +RACHEL: I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and II… +NOTFRIEND: Ohhh! Kids! +RACHEL: Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is! +NOTFRIEND: Rache! Whoops! Rache, hey, open up, please! +RACHEL: When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape. +NOTFRIEND: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re so beautiful…I don’t think I can. +RACHEL: That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did! +NOTFRIEND: That’s right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For there’s no greater gift, than the gift of music. Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday Emma! +RACHEL: Is that it? +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. +RACHEL: Why the voice. +NOTFRIEND: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! +RACHEL: I'mI'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love. +NOTFRIEND: I know. That was fun. +RACHEL: See you guys. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, oh, good. +RACHEL: Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. +NOTFRIEND: Damnit Phoebe! +RACHEL: Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. +RACHEL: All right, it won't come off! +NOTFRIEND: I can’t believe it! +RACHEL: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home. +NOTFRIEND: There's one leaving in. +RACHEL: Ohh, good. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: That proposal, at the planetarium. +NOTFRIEND: Go ahead. +RACHEL: You’re gonna be late! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern. +RACHEL: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. +NOTFRIEND: Dahhhhh! No! Noooo! +RACHEL: Ah, first, II would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again. +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee. +RACHEL: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table. +NOTFRIEND: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right decision. +RACHEL: Super ass-kissing power. +NOTFRIEND: Sharing is good. +RACHEL: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table. +RACHEL: But my, but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job. +NOTFRIEND: I take it. +RACHEL: Good, you guys are all here! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there. +RACHEL: With Ross and Jill? +NOTFRIEND: You gotta tell Ross how you feel. +RACHEL: How can I just tell him? +NOTFRIEND: Wow! +RACHEL: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. +RACHEL: Is everybody else having just the best time?! +NOTFRIEND: Did I, did I even treat? +RACHEL: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, II don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?! +RACHEL: I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. You gotta come with me! +NOTFRIEND: I sure do! And you don't get one! +RACHEL: Y'know, II gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100 better. +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna go put my make-up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! +RACHEL: But wait! +NOTFRIEND: Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel. +RACHEL: And if it’s a girl? +NOTFRIEND: You, you know I, I don't, have a have a problem with that. +RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. +NOTFRIEND: No, but. +RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it. +NOTFRIEND: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal. +RACHEL: Oh, seriously? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers, called a couple of the author's grandchildren. +RACHEL: Oh, honey, that's so sweet. +NOTFRIEND: And Mindy your maid of? +RACHEL: Mindy my maid of. +NOTFRIEND: Come on Rach, when a guy says he’s going to call, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you? +RACHEL: Well, they always called. +NOTFRIEND: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'. +RACHEL: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist. +NOTFRIEND: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe. +RACHEL: Was it the, Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe? +NOTFRIEND: Nooooo. You’re really not going? +RACHEL: It’s just gonna be too hard. Y’know? I mean, it’s Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y’know it’s just, it’s for the best, y’know it is, it’s, Y’know, plus, somebody’s got to stay here with Phoebe! Y’know she’s gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know I’mI’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that. +RACHEL: Startin’ to feel her again there are we? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you too. +RACHEL: Hi, remember us? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. Come on, do it, do it, go, come on! +RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney. +NOTFRIEND: I guess so. I'm just, really nervous. +RACHEL: Okay, well keep in mind that by the time you're done, they'll probably be serving dinner. +NOTFRIEND: Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever. +RACHEL: Eh, do you believe that? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted! +NOTFRIEND: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, you know, everything is gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping. +RACHEL: What if she jumped out the basinet? +NOTFRIEND: Well Rachel needs help with the baby. +RACHEL: I don’t know anything. +NOTFRIEND: Are you really gonna do this? +RACHEL: I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby! +NOTFRIEND: Oh wait, hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing. +RACHEL: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that. +NOTFRIEND: I know! I know! +RACHEL: See just I'm right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! +NOTFRIEND: OH! He's having an affair. +RACHEL: He's not having an affair! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, okay, time's up! +RACHEL: All right, I got 48. +NOTFRIEND: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay. +RACHEL: Hi Daddy. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream. +RACHEL: No, forget it. +NOTFRIEND: Has somebody been drinking my fat? +RACHEL: You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear? +NOTFRIEND: No-no, II just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they? +NOTFRIEND: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog. +RACHEL: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know II could have toys for underprivileged kids in here! +NOTFRIEND: What did you get? +RACHEL: Credit. +NOTFRIEND: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea. +RACHEL: Please, what about you and Chandler? +NOTFRIEND: Sorry. +RACHEL: That’s just poking me in the eye! +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: I guess you weren’t there. +NOTFRIEND: He didn't have any. +RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money. +NOTFRIEND: Congratulations! +RACHEL: I know, it's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great. +NOTFRIEND: I fell asleep! +RACHEL: You fell asleep?! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! +RACHEL: Oh Joey and look at this crib! It’s so cute! +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Oh-oh. +RACHEL: What happened to you? Why didn't you come up? +NOTFRIEND: Come in! +RACHEL: I’m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine’s, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross. +NOTFRIEND: Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself. +RACHEL: Well, now, wait. Now I’m all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I’m real sorry for whatever II did to you in high school. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it’s just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y’know where it was from or. +RACHEL: That I know, this is from White Plains. +NOTFRIEND: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married. +RACHEL: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous! +NOTFRIEND: Hello! +RACHEL: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos. +NOTFRIEND: Um-hmm. +RACHEL: What am I making him by the way? +NOTFRIEND: She's out, I'm gonna take her home. +RACHEL: Oh, ok, thank you. Do you see what all the guys see in her? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again? +RACHEL: Hey, why do you think she won’t take my breast? +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you. +NOTFRIEND: I have no idea. +RACHEL: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here? +NOTFRIEND: Why are you so jealous of me? +RACHEL: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have! +NOTFRIEND: I want you. I need you. Let me make love to you. +RACHEL: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a canelope might hurt less. +NOTFRIEND: So? How did it go with Joshua last night? +RACHEL: Well, I didn't see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Rachel, I’mI’m sorry. +RACHEL: It’s okay. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you’d thought they would. +NOTFRIEND: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it's like that. With feelings. +RACHEL: Are you in trouble. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. I think you got it! +RACHEL: You have the best taste in men! +NOTFRIEND: What’s going on? +RACHEL: When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you. +NOTFRIEND: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo. +RACHEL: Time is money my friend? +NOTFRIEND: No more jam?! +RACHEL: Well, what happened to your jam plan? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I ended up telling her everything. +RACHEL: Oh, how'd she take it? +NOTFRIEND: Wow, look at these prices. +RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. +RACHEL: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD! +NOTFRIEND: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin. +RACHEL: You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it. +NOTFRIEND: Happy for you. +RACHEL: No, happy for you! +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry. +RACHEL: You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, there s this superintendent s dance, the Super Ball. I don t know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he has a crush on. +RACHEL: Well, why doesn t he practice with a girl? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I'm gonna put this in the car. +RACHEL: Ooh, I have to go pack. It really does? +NOTFRIEND: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don’t have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. Okay, you gotta say something! +RACHEL: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I. +NOTFRIEND: Chandler, sense the tone! +RACHEL: Well, well, well, look what mommy found! +NOTFRIEND: Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again? +RACHEL: He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing. +NOTFRIEND: Come in! Come in! We’re engaged! +RACHEL: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh? +RACHEL: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands. +NOTFRIEND: Oh sure. +RACHEL: I’m pregnant. Okay, whenever you’re ready. And you’re the father by the way—but you got that… +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing here so early? +RACHEL: They sent me home from work. They were like, Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby. Well y’know what? Screw ‘em! If they don’t want me there, I’ll just hang out with you guys. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, hello! +RACHEL: Hi-e! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, how do you feel now? +RACHEL: Well, I like you less! +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again. +RACHEL: Oh, that must be it. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it. +RACHEL: Look, you guys, this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board. +NOTFRIEND: Look, if I’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around a baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman! Or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club! +RACHEL: Joey, are you sure? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts? +RACHEL: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know she has 147,000 pairs of boots! +RACHEL: Oh yeah, good start Mon. +NOTFRIEND: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue! +RACHEL: Oh yeah, she can't be herself. +NOTFRIEND: All right, come here! +RACHEL: What are you? +NOTFRIEND: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realized the baby was having me. +RACHEL: Oh, you're gonna be great! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: You’re back from your date! +NOTFRIEND: And that s funny, why? +RACHEL: Oh, umm, I was just y know working out and umm, Oh, that s it. +NOTFRIEND: No, because you’re not a grandmother! +RACHEL: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny. +NOTFRIEND: Ooo Rachel! +RACHEL: Oh come on, I already went. +NOTFRIEND: No! Why? +RACHEL: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really, I don't mind. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. What happened? +RACHEL: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. +RACHEL: Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter? +NOTFRIEND: No! What are you going to do? Make me? +RACHEL: Heey man, I work out. +NOTFRIEND: Here we go. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, but I’m the only one related by blood. +RACHEL: So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I’m gonna tell Ross! +NOTFRIEND: Really? Like how? +RACHEL: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put salt on their cereal. +NOTFRIEND: Tea gives Phoebe the trots. +RACHEL: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it’s not even like we know how to be with each other anymore. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! As long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it. +RACHEL: No-no-no. +NOTFRIEND: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me. +RACHEL: Joey stop staring! There’s nothing there! It’s not true! +NOTFRIEND: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night. RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right? +RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs. +NOTFRIEND: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. We register, and you get to keep all the presents! +RACHEL: Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married. +NOTFRIEND: It is. +RACHEL: For you. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning. +RACHEL: Uh-huh. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this. +NOTFRIEND: What do you mean? +RACHEL: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other. +NOTFRIEND: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. +RACHEL: Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond. +NOTFRIEND: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs. +RACHEL: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. +NOTFRIEND: I’ll be in there. +RACHEL: Joey, I’m really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things. +NOTFRIEND: No! I do want to! +RACHEL: Oh, she does want to. +NOTFRIEND: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing? +RACHEL: I don't know, you thought 'See you Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me. +NOTFRIEND: So glad you brought someone. +RACHEL: Someone? I brought people. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. He’s the head of my department. +NOTFRIEND: Well, it’s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office? +RACHEL: Y’know, I don’tI don’t know. Let me, let me check. +NOTFRIEND: I don't know. +RACHEL: Is he romantic with her? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, what's going on with you? +RACHEL: You go! +NOTFRIEND: And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie! +RACHEL: You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes. +NOTFRIEND: No it’s not weird, it’s a miracle! +RACHEL: It’s not a miracle Joey! I’m sure there’s some explanation. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Sorry, things aren't working out so well. +NOTFRIEND: I'm having. I'm having a baby. I'm having a. Where's the phone? The phone? +RACHEL: I don't know where the phone is. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up. +RACHEL: You can’t, because of the new skylight! +NOTFRIEND: Well II talked to and uh, she’s definitely going to have this baby. Y’know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own. +RACHEL: Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s really brave. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute. +NOTFRIEND: This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor. +RACHEL: Make love? What are you a girl? +NOTFRIEND: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who’s next? +RACHEL: Okay, I’m done. Do mine. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? +RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones. +NOTFRIEND: I mean, she should be with someone like. Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull! +RACHEL: What, hey! +NOTFRIEND: Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks. +RACHEL: Um, everyone? +NOTFRIEND: Oh God. Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross? +RACHEL: It seems like forever ago. +NOTFRIEND: Nope! Something else. +RACHEL: All right, so what do you want to do now? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8. +RACHEL: OH, a soap opera roof party! I'm going to a soap opera roof party! And it's out of my system! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it! +RACHEL: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you’re asking of me. +NOTFRIEND: OneMississippi. TwoMississippi. ThreeMississippi. +RACHEL: Over here! +NOTFRIEND: And then she told me that she and Joey had broken up, and that part of the reason was that she had feelings for me. +RACHEL: Uh-huh, right, yeah. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! +RACHEL: Some uh, some visual aides. +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it, or we can leave it on for now. That's fine. +RACHEL: You know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit! +NOTFRIEND: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex? +RACHEL: Who's not having. Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, maybe. +RACHEL: Oh-oh, you lie. +NOTFRIEND: A what? +RACHEL: Y’know, bonus night. Y’know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime, HBL and Cinemax. +RACHEL: No way, forget it. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She’s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to Dollywood. +RACHEL: Well what happened at dinner? +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know, are we just kissing guys on balconies? +RACHEL: How do you know about that? +NOTFRIEND: Who else? +RACHEL: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom. +NOTFRIEND: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here. +RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! I sold that to Joey. +RACHEL: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. +NOTFRIEND: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine. +RACHEL: So were done then! +NOTFRIEND: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale. +RACHEL: I didn't know there were docks. +NOTFRIEND: Right. +RACHEL: I’m Rachel Green. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing. +RACHEL: What, yeah, what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, Ja! Ja! +RACHEL: She's, uhm, not very good though. +NOTFRIEND: That little naked guy would be me. +RACHEL: Aww, look at the little thing. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no-no! That was the joke! +RACHEL: It’s funny! +NOTFRIEND: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant? +RACHEL: Ok, we're still on that. +NOTFRIEND: Where were you standing? +RACHEL: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along? +NOTFRIEND: I’m good. I’m good. +RACHEL: Ross, there is no pressure on you. I mean you can as involved as you want. +NOTFRIEND: Mmmmm. +RACHEL: Ok, while you mmm on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp. +NOTFRIEND: That's what it seemed like. +RACHEL: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me. +NOTFRIEND: Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No? +RACHEL: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: What, how is it going with Drake? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, sweety, you can’t pull this off. +RACHEL: I was thinking that maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit down and, you know, talk about your future. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam. +RACHEL: Honey that sounds like fun. +NOTFRIEND: Uhm, I hadn't no you. I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared. +RACHEL: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-toNewYork scared. Or uhm, when I-found-outI-was-gonna-haveEmma scared. But this is, fine. This is gonna be good. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I'm not gonna do this, okay? I'm not gonna eavesdrop on my friend. +RACHEL: I know, I'm her! +NOTFRIEND: Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up. +RACHEL: Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny. +NOTFRIEND: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that? +RACHEL: He’s talking to the baby. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t get it, Chandler loved it! +RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. I promise, I promise, I promise, I won’t do it again. This is gonna be great. +NOTFRIEND: Goodnight. +RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. +NOTFRIEND: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you? +RACHEL: Noo, no, I'm not mad at him, I'm, I'm not really anything at him anymore. +NOTFRIEND: You said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here! +RACHEL: Chandler, there's a guy right over there. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel. +RACHEL: Monica, this is Dan, one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. +NOTFRIEND: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together, having sex. +RACHEL: Okay, see? I get the phone. +NOTFRIEND: Well, when can we have this shower? +RACHEL: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday… +NOTFRIEND: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? +RACHEL: I'm just serving it. +NOTFRIEND: I will. Ross, come here. +RACHEL: I just want you to know. I'll never forget it. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I’ll go! +RACHEL: You are getting married! This is all I have. +NOTFRIEND: Alright? +RACHEL: And, and Ross. +NOTFRIEND: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever! +RACHEL: So this is Brooklyn. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for. +RACHEL: I certainly did it when we were going out. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no-no-no-no-no! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I’m cold, and. +RACHEL: All right, this is it! You never see Joanna again! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? How much? +RACHEL: A thousand bucks. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I have a girlfriend, I'mI'm happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy. +RACHEL: No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don't like guys with boring jobs. +NOTFRIEND: She’s fine. She’s experiencing BraxtonHicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall. +RACHEL: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you’ve had one of these Braxton thingies? +NOTFRIEND: You'd think, wouldn't you?. Miss? +RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, side salad. +NOTFRIEND: There it is. +RACHEL: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it. +NOTFRIEND: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So. Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it. +RACHEL: There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me. +RACHEL: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and. +NOTFRIEND: Remembered what? +RACHEL: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. I can't believe he remembered! +NOTFRIEND: And that's, that's funny why? +RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing. +NOTFRIEND: How does this look? +RACHEL: Well, it's a little low, pick up a little, a little bit more, a little bit more. Now throw it away! +NOTFRIEND: I did not! +RACHEL: So you’re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Have you seen Joey's bat? +RACHEL: I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, what? +RACHEL: She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. +NOTFRIEND: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica’s Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. But Pete’s just doing this because he has a crush on me. +RACHEL: And you’re still not attracted to him at all? +NOTFRIEND: The stuff I just mentioned. +RACHEL: Wow, I don't know if I could ever do that. You know, I always figured the first time I had a baby, it would be with someone I love and that baby would be like, a keeper. +NOTFRIEND: Oh you don’t have to be sorry. I’m…I’m obviously kidding. I’m not in love with you. I’m not in love with her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don’t…picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh…kiss good-bye? No? Okay. +RACHEL: I mean I had no idea that that was gonna… +NOTFRIEND: I guess. It still seems a little, moonlight boat ride! +RACHEL: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity? +NOTFRIEND: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes! +RACHEL: Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm. Is that Christian Sanders? He's so gorgeous! +NOTFRIEND: Wow, he’s really not letting this go, is he? +RACHEL: God how long do you think that’s gonna last? +NOTFRIEND: Zelner. +RACHEL: Zelner! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it. +NOTFRIEND: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking of names yet? +RACHEL: I’ve come up with a bunch of ideas! +NOTFRIEND: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes. +RACHEL: Oh, TOES! Yeah, for some people. +NOTFRIEND: You were supposed to tell her! +RACHEL: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come, and I was supposed to bring the cake! +NOTFRIEND: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so important to me. +RACHEL: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, oh there go the clothes. +RACHEL: You are undressing very quickly. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she’s totally freaked out! +RACHEL: Oh okay, I’ll fix that to. What’s her e-mail address? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. +RACHEL: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. +NOTFRIEND: I think she's here. +RACHEL: Wait-wait! +NOTFRIEND: He is the man in the black dress. +RACHEL: Man in the black dress… Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s! +NOTFRIEND: Uh, well, just once, with you. +RACHEL: Ok, this could be a little awkward. I'm just going to blow past it, well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance? +NOTFRIEND: No III would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis. +RACHEL: But Ross, its you and me! +NOTFRIEND: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know. +RACHEL: Yeah, umm, no honey. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: What happened to you? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it! +RACHEL: Well isn't it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of? +NOTFRIEND: OK. Oh, oh, oh. +RACHEL: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me? +NOTFRIEND: I thought it went very well. +RACHEL: It didn't! That's what I want to talk to you about. Now, just to brief you I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you. +NOTFRIEND: Wait-wait a minute that doesn't make any sense. +RACHEL: All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you. +NOTFRIEND: Rach we have a code brown situation. +RACHEL: Can you please, please take care of it for me? +NOTFRIEND: Sweetie okay. It’s okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I’m fine. +RACHEL: Kinda hurtin’ my hand though. +NOTFRIEND: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… I just didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t think that you’d return my love, and now that you have… +RACHEL: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! +NOTFRIEND: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me. +RACHEL: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. You’ve got something here on your back. +NOTFRIEND: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! +RACHEL: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know. +RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Why? +RACHEL: Because, uh it has to. +NOTFRIEND: It's a normal Swedish name. Ikea. +RACHEL: Oh, what an interesting name. +NOTFRIEND: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left! +RACHEL: Hey, y’know what? You’re the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?! +NOTFRIEND: WHAT? WHERE? WHERE? +RACHEL: IF you hold a spider. +NOTFRIEND: Yes you can! +RACHEL: I can’t! +NOTFRIEND: How could I have left them in the copy room? +RACHEL: I don’t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? It’s not a perfect world! Just go please. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. Who’s that? +RACHEL: New people. +NOTFRIEND: Because then I don’t have to! +RACHEL: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing, my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, let me see! Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty? +RACHEL: I think I am. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-oh. +RACHEL: Good different? +NOTFRIEND: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys. +RACHEL: Take care. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, how'd it go? +NOTFRIEND: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That’s not the point. Ok? The point is you you are the one. +RACHEL: Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up! What’s wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation they. +NOTFRIEND: I know. I know! I'm a duplex. +RACHEL: So what's going on with you? +NOTFRIEND: Well you’re whippin’ so slow! Can’t you do it any faster? +RACHEL: I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like. Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle? +NOTFRIEND: You really serve people sneezers? +RACHEL: Well um, I don't. +NOTFRIEND: I just, I don't understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y'know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she'd actually show up? +RACHEL: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Somebody got in late last night. +NOTFRIEND: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it! +RACHEL: What a great way to earn some extra pocket money. +NOTFRIEND: I just, I thought Joey was there. +RACHEL: Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought. +NOTFRIEND: No! No! II can do it one more time! See? Look! Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! +RACHEL: Hey-hey-hey! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it. +RACHEL: Oh-okay, but Pheebs? +NOTFRIEND: Mom, so what did you think? +RACHEL: Well that was umm. +NOTFRIEND: Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and, generosity of spirit. +RACHEL: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard. +NOTFRIEND: FINE BY ME! +RACHEL: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica! +NOTFRIEND: We’re sorry. +RACHEL: What has happened to the sanctity of marriage? +NOTFRIEND: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me. +RACHEL: I brought reinforcements. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot. +RACHEL: That’s all right. And so it begins. +NOTFRIEND: Amy. +RACHEL: Hide my rings. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing. +RACHEL: Hang up! That’s it! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we, do it. +RACHEL: Yeah, and if doesn't work, then we'll be just one of those couples that never have sex. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more. +RACHEL: Okay, see now I’m scared because I don’t actually think you’re kidding. +NOTFRIEND: Mm. +RACHEL: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been dumped? +NOTFRIEND: Estelle said I didn't get it. +RACHEL:! Joey you were so ready for it! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, happy my wedding day to you! +RACHEL: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel. +RACHEL: And you're no friend to those with noses. +NOTFRIEND: What?! You totally get embarrassed! +RACHEL: Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are. +NOTFRIEND: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. +RACHEL: I mean, I just. I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark. +NOTFRIEND: Then I got all needy and clingy. +RACHEL: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it? +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason. +RACHEL: To be nice. +NOTFRIEND: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me. +RACHEL: Okay guys, way to wish me luck! +NOTFRIEND: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, livin' in a box! +RACHEL: So now, what exactly is the point of the box? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air. +RACHEL: Yeah, I can do that. +NOTFRIEND: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway. +RACHEL: All right, well that's good to know. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, are you okay? +RACHEL: Yeah, I'm fine. +NOTFRIEND: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler. +RACHEL: That’s so sweet. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we’re going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor’s dog walker?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies. +RACHEL: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had. +NOTFRIEND: Spiderman? +RACHEL: Hardy Boy. +NOTFRIEND: You were just being so nice to him! +RACHEL: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake? +NOTFRIEND: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there. +RACHEL: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me! +NOTFRIEND: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own. +RACHEL: Wh-what do you mean? +NOTFRIEND: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food. +RACHEL: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already. +NOTFRIEND: Wow. +RACHEL: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now. +NOTFRIEND: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. How can you eat the cheesecake without me?! +RACHEL: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are living outside the law! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off? +RACHEL: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night. +NOTFRIEND: That was gonna be my opener. +RACHEL: Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom? +NOTFRIEND: Good. Y'know, no-no, okay, it's-it feels like everything's been. +RACHEL: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yes. Could I have one of those. +RACHEL: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else? +NOTFRIEND: No! +RACHEL: Just get out! +NOTFRIEND: Seriously, who is this guy? +RACHEL: Umm, I’m sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me? +NOTFRIEND: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’ +RACHEL: One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack. +NOTFRIEND: Gimme this. +RACHEL: Okay, don’t be mad at me, but I couldn’t resist. +NOTFRIEND: See ya! +RACHEL: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! +NOTFRIEND: Wow. I'm sorry. Eggroll? +RACHEL: And then I called him, and he wasn't there. +NOTFRIEND: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise. +RACHEL: We won. We won! +NOTFRIEND: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home. +RACHEL: Feel me up? +NOTFRIEND: Not after this! +RACHEL: Okay, you guys, just relax. I doooo. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, so what happened? +RACHEL: Well, Ross said my name. +NOTFRIEND: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date. +RACHEL: Well, what would we be doing? +NOTFRIEND: Maybe, do you need a tissue? +RACHEL: Monica, where did you get these?! +NOTFRIEND: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross? +RACHEL: Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs. +NOTFRIEND: That’s okay, I’ll just pick ‘em off. +RACHEL: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? +NOTFRIEND: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!' +RACHEL: Men are unbelievable. +NOTFRIEND: Freaked out? Hey no, I’m not freaked out! I’m indignant! As a consumer! +RACHEL: Y’know what? Let’s, let’s talk later. +NOTFRIEND: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he's-he's called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. II owe her this. I never let her eat. +RACHEL: Oh, you go out with him. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory? +NOTFRIEND: So? +RACHEL: Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change. +NOTFRIEND: That you enjoyed the occasional drinking binge. +RACHEL: Ohh, that is it! I'm leaving! You are just a horrible person! +NOTFRIEND: Rach? +RACHEL: I’ll be out in a second. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Here’s your moisturiser. +NOTFRIEND: But I want to. +RACHEL: But I don't want you to. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. +RACHEL: Can I be your girlfriend again? +NOTFRIEND: Clever. So how are you? +RACHEL: Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, Please?! I'm a single mom, with a thirty year old son! +RACHEL: Hi, I'm back. Listen, I need to. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. +RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her. +NOTFRIEND: Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we’re on? +RACHEL: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27. +NOTFRIEND: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight. +RACHEL: Why don't you wanna see Janice? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it. +RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah well, too bad we’re gonna have to return them. +RACHEL: Return them?! They’re gonna hear you! +NOTFRIEND: Great. +RACHEL: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It’s like he hates you. Then it is true. +RACHEL: Of course it’s true and it hurts so bad. +NOTFRIEND: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re trotting out to the garbage ten times a day? +RACHEL: I don’t know, I’d leave it on the changing table?! What’d I do? What’d I do?! +NOTFRIEND: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. +RACHEL: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. +NOTFRIEND: Why are you yelling? +RACHEL: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! +NOTFRIEND: Rachel has a new doll. +RACHEL: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! +NOTFRIEND: Over here! +RACHEL: I almost caught that one! +NOTFRIEND: Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let’s go. +RACHEL: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that’s, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that’s what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh. +NOTFRIEND: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. +RACHEL: What a manipulative bitch. +NOTFRIEND: Oh my, oh my God! +RACHEL: Aw, it’s unbelievable! She is kicking so much! Oh, she’s like umm…oh…who’s that kind of annoying girl soccer player? +NOTFRIEND: Yes. +RACHEL: Well, how did you find out? +NOTFRIEND: I know, I know, it's, it's almost what do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them? +RACHEL: Let me get my coat. +NOTFRIEND: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or. Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp! +RACHEL: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it. +NOTFRIEND: Water rules! +RACHEL: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? +NOTFRIEND: Eh, no problem. +RACHEL: I’m gonna need a copy of those. +NOTFRIEND: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak! +RACHEL: Oh, I can’t watch this. +NOTFRIEND: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now. +RACHEL: High-five, the babies are coming! +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Oh, I guess it'd be different if I were, with somebody. +NOTFRIEND: What for? +RACHEL: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. +NOTFRIEND: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. +RACHEL: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore! +RACHEL: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, I gotta say, if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this! +RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sorry, good luck! +NOTFRIEND: Who did? +RACHEL: You never gonna believe it: she called. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! +RACHEL: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him. +NOTFRIEND: Well, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe Ross won’t like her personality. +RACHEL: Why, does she have a bad personality? +NOTFRIEND: Her name is Deliah. +RACHEL: Oh, that's pretty. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, we won't. +RACHEL: We won't? +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! Ah-ha! +RACHEL: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again. +NOTFRIEND: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?! +RACHEL: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version? +NOTFRIEND: Sure. Sure. Second’s up! Not…that kind of table. +RACHEL: So you were saying? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?! +RACHEL: It's not a baby! It's a cat! +NOTFRIEND: Well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some! +RACHEL: Oh, well then y’know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy. +NOTFRIEND: I’d rather have the money. +RACHEL: Well, that-that’s not your choice. +NOTFRIEND: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years. +RACHEL: That’s great! +NOTFRIEND: Alright, but you have to do one sometime. +RACHEL: Let me just get this straight! So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job? +NOTFRIEND: Hell yeah! +RACHEL: So shake it! +NOTFRIEND: Sure. Do you need some floss? +RACHEL: Oh God I just cannot imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up! +NOTFRIEND: OK. We'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I will take third and fourth. +RACHEL: Wha, wha, wh, what am I gonna do? +NOTFRIEND: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat! +RACHEL: Why would a charity give away a free boat?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, hey, hey no. +RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. Good doggie get the sandwich, get the ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say? +NOTFRIEND: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together. +RACHEL: Oh, that’s funny, I can’t believe I did that. +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? IIII can’t. I couldn’t even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade. +RACHEL: Yeah, but Mon that’s totally different. He was you’re health teacher. +NOTFRIEND: Aren't you? +RACHEL: And this is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. +NOTFRIEND: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it! +RACHEL: Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time. +NOTFRIEND: Take care. +RACHEL: Walked right into that one didn't he? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes. Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I? +RACHEL: Love to love ya baby! Love to love ya baby! Love to love ya, baby! Darnit! +NOTFRIEND: aaand SEND! +RACHEL: How was basketball? +NOTFRIEND: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap? +RACHEL: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers. +NOTFRIEND: Wherever! I've got like 20! +RACHEL: So, will I like any of these guys? +NOTFRIEND: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs. +RACHEL: You, you, you said he liked me. You, you slowpokes! +NOTFRIEND: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex? +RACHEL: What's new in sex? +NOTFRIEND: I'm sure he'll understand. +RACHEL: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to Paris. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide. +RACHEL: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin. +NOTFRIEND: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. +RACHEL: One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of us? +NOTFRIEND: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? Woo-hoo! +RACHEL: Stop that! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there’s a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? No? Okay, well uh, you’ve got my fax number. +RACHEL: I can’t believe you did that. That was really sweet. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you. +NOTFRIEND: Why? What, what are you jealous? +RACHEL: And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don’t want you to go out with anybody! I know it’s a terrible thing to even think this, and it’s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I’m very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel. +NOTFRIEND: Open bar! +RACHEL: Well now it’s an empty bar. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Sure. +RACHEL: Am I going to let you watch me undress? +NOTFRIEND: Mi-mi-mii. +RACHEL: I've never wanted you more. +NOTFRIEND: All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out. +RACHEL: Oh-hooo, I missed you. +NOTFRIEND: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, which was never! +RACHEL: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! +NOTFRIEND: Um, cake. +RACHEL: Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna get some cake. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. No. No you’re right. +RACHEL: Shall we? +NOTFRIEND: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish? +RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps. +NOTFRIEND: Now, open your eyes. +RACHEL: Okay, they are. +NOTFRIEND: Why-why can't you take a couple of days off? +RACHEL: Because, I can't! Ross, I told you, no. +NOTFRIEND: Cage closed? +RACHEL: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come? +RACHEL: Because II've seen them. +NOTFRIEND: I am now! +RACHEL: Hey roomie! +NOTFRIEND: Bona sera. +RACHEL: Oh, hi sweetie. +NOTFRIEND: Ahh, yes. +RACHEL: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of 18,000. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I'm not the kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! Judy! Bye. +RACHEL: Oh thank god, if Phoebe's going, can we please take Emma home? +NOTFRIEND: Pretty cool, huh? But if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong. +RACHEL: Umm, can I use your bathroom? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight? +RACHEL: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so. +NOTFRIEND: So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe? +RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers. No? Really? They taste so good. +RACHEL: and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. +NOTFRIEND: What’s going on Rach? +RACHEL: Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y’know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare? +NOTFRIEND: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they’re not in the baby buying business. +RACHEL: Chandler, can you give us a minute? +NOTFRIEND: I'm gonna be a father. +RACHEL: It's just occurring to you? +NOTFRIEND: 'Cause you invited your assistant. +RACHEL: But Tag's not coming his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her. +NOTFRIEND: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I'm happy for ya, but I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don't know what to do anymore. +RACHEL: Well neither do I! +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have. +RACHEL: Just give us a second. +NOTFRIEND: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! +RACHEL: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula. +NOTFRIEND: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit! +RACHEL: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit! +NOTFRIEND: No, not my touchie. +RACHEL: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision, and under Problems with Performance I wrote, Dear God, I hope not, and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch. +NOTFRIEND: It must take you forever to find your keys. +RACHEL: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: Wha-? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative-there's gonna be a hoopla? +RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing. +NOTFRIEND: I dunno, a little too Alan? +RACHEL: That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. +NOTFRIEND: We ruined everything. +RACHEL: Ugh… +NOTFRIEND: 'Cause we will appreciate it more when she’s gone? +RACHEL: No, it's just, look, you know, when I first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, now, now we're just holding hands! +RACHEL: Well, uh, we're gonna hit the beach? +NOTFRIEND: Then why did I ask? +RACHEL: Okay, it’s just—and this is really embarrassing—but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I’m just finding myself…how do I put this umm, erotically charged. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record. +RACHEL: I don't know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, +NOTFRIEND: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed. +RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July. +NOTFRIEND: Have you ever taken out the trash? +RACHEL: Well, I thought you liked doing it. +NOTFRIEND: Hello? Oh, hi Ross! See? Other people call me! +RACHEL: Ooh, your brother. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. This was amazing. +RACHEL: You've learned some new moves! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man. +RACHEL: You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner! +NOTFRIEND: I was kinda hoping you’d stay. +RACHEL: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There’s no room for a baby here. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you. +RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, have a seat. +RACHEL: I’m so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. +RACHEL: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold. +NOTFRIEND: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all. +RACHEL: Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. +NOTFRIEND: It's all working out! Me amp Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do? +RACHEL: Calm ourselves? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment. +RACHEL: Why, where are you going? +NOTFRIEND: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to the passenger on her left. +RACHEL: And so then I realized. All this stuff I had been doing, +NOTFRIEND: What’s the matter now? +RACHEL: I was reliving it. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying? +RACHEL: Okay, look it's about me and. +NOTFRIEND: Okay then. +RACHEL: I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t. I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh! +RACHEL: Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner? +NOTFRIEND: Are you sure? +RACHEL: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm. +NOTFRIEND: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? +RACHEL: The left one. +NOTFRIEND: You're all set. +RACHEL: Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm. Your game. +NOTFRIEND: Oh that’s interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel. +RACHEL: Oh God, you think I made out with him. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon. +RACHEL: Ohh, with who? +NOTFRIEND: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it? +RACHEL: I tried! They won't take her back. +NOTFRIEND: I don't get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn't. +RACHEL: I still don't get how you know when it's false labour. +NOTFRIEND: No, us having to lie about being married. +RACHEL: No, I know I don’t either, but ya know what, it’s their party, and it’s just one night. And we don’t even have to lie we just won’t say anything. If it comes up again, we’ll just…smile. We’ll nod along. +NOTFRIEND: Let’s see. Oh my God! Oh. But no! No! You can’t-you can’t hire him, because that, it’s not professional. Umm, this is for me yes? Thanks. +RACHEL: Okay you’re right. I’ll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda! +NOTFRIEND: He sounds swell. +RACHEL: Doesn’t he? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing. +RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible? +NOTFRIEND: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha! +RACHEL: That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta? +NOTFRIEND: YOU KNOW! +RACHEL: AND YOU KNOW! +NOTFRIEND: All right, who got Chandler? 'Cause I uh, need to trade. +RACHEL: Oh, he sees her! +NOTFRIEND: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit. +RACHEL: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league? +NOTFRIEND: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype. +RACHEL: Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita? +NOTFRIEND: Monica bang! +RACHEL: Okay, I heard that. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! +RACHEL: She forced me! +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us! +RACHEL: Oh, that is so sick. +NOTFRIEND: When I was six years old. +RACHEL: Hm-mmm. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, we are. +RACHEL: And Chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can’t be late. +NOTFRIEND: That is a different phone. +RACHEL: Oh is it?! Uhh, hello? Yes hi, is Rachel there? Yes she is, just one moment please. It’s for me! +NOTFRIEND: Beautiful! +RACHEL: Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker? +NOTFRIEND: No you don’t! +RACHEL: No you don’t. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage? +RACHEL: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants. +NOTFRIEND: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? +RACHEL: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. +NOTFRIEND: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left Philange. +RACHEL: Could I get some peanuts? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it. +RACHEL: Dear Rach, you’re a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want? +RACHEL: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Look! +RACHEL: I’ve never lived like this before. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, yeah! You sure this is what you want? +RACHEL: I think it is. +NOTFRIEND: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. +RACHEL: All right, whose court is the ball in now? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: We're having a party. +NOTFRIEND: You're not gonna be phased out! +RACHEL: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something. +NOTFRIEND: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack. +RACHEL: Did you call your parents? +NOTFRIEND: I’m right here! +RACHEL: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just. And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him but it just bothers me, all right?! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, we were just. +RACHEL: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz’s father get here? +NOTFRIEND: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing! +RACHEL: Well look, if you don’t like this. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: And did you notice? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses. +NOTFRIEND: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much. +RACHEL: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before. +NOTFRIEND: It’s not here. +RACHEL: A bit of a puzzle. Why don’t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, why don’t you move in with me? It’ll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday’s right? +RACHEL: Yeah, yeah I think I’m gonna find my own place. +NOTFRIEND: Hmm? +RACHEL: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff. +NOTFRIEND: Hi. +RACHEL: Is Monica around? II have to ask her something. +NOTFRIEND: Well, OK, it’s for a boy. Well, I know it’s a little out there, but…Darwin. +RACHEL: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard. +NOTFRIEND: Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you're daddy's little girl. Phoebe's totally ruined that for me. +RACHEL: Hi mum, put her back on! +NOTFRIEND: You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut. +RACHEL: Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun. +NOTFRIEND: Here you go. +RACHEL: That almost hit me in the face. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh, God it looks bad. +RACHEL: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want. +RACHEL: Oh, that would be great! I love him, I love him, I love him. +NOTFRIEND: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon they’re gonna be having kids, and then they’re just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they’re gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership. +RACHEL: Well, things change. +NOTFRIEND: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him. +RACHEL: We're not?! +NOTFRIEND: How desperate am I? +RACHEL: Good thing Chandler’s not here, he always wins at this game. +NOTFRIEND: So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. +RACHEL: You can’t leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me! +NOTFRIEND: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross’s. We'll be back in a minute. +RACHEL: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question? +NOTFRIEND: Rach, why won't they take it back? +RACHEL: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats? +NOTFRIEND: No, yeah, we never find them! She’s always best at us that wily minx. +RACHEL: Don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to Joey’s and search, OK? +NOTFRIEND: We should help him! +RACHEL: Well, I don’t think they need any help. +NOTFRIEND: You know, I gotta go find him. He's gotta be here someplace. +RACHEL: You would think! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think she’d like that. +RACHEL: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, The Mr. Bowmont. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual. +RACHEL: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. +NOTFRIEND: NO! +RACHEL: All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me. +RACHEL: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right. +NOTFRIEND: You can have the last piece, if you want. +RACHEL: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door? +RACHEL: Well why shouldn’t I?! +NOTFRIEND: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag. +RACHEL: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship. +NOTFRIEND: You've called Animal Control? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. Do you not like them? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, me, too, technically. +RACHEL: I had a wedding. +NOTFRIEND: Thank you, Okay, Okay. +RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me! +NOTFRIEND: Hey so where’s Ross? +RACHEL: He’s downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab. +NOTFRIEND: He was in Ross’s class…marching band…kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend. +RACHEL: I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you’re not talking about your imaginary boyfriend. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out. +RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina? +NOTFRIEND: Huh. What’s doofus spelled backwards? +RACHEL: Op, op, car! Car! +NOTFRIEND: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment! +RACHEL: Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping? +NOTFRIEND: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess II just wasn’t thinking. +RACHEL: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! +NOTFRIEND: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good. +RACHEL: What was the book? +NOTFRIEND: Depends on what you mean by we. +RACHEL: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: How long has she been crying? +NOTFRIEND: It's his dad. +RACHEL: Huh, wow, so he's gotta be. +NOTFRIEND: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. +RACHEL: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? +NOTFRIEND: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you. +RACHEL: That is soo sweet! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, what are ya gonna do? +RACHEL: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him. No, I really shouldn’t say anything. No, I should say something to him. Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him. +NOTFRIEND: Always nice to meet a fan! +RACHEL: So now, what are you doing here? +NOTFRIEND: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I’ll see you guys later. Thanks. +RACHEL: Oh, poor Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rache, did you make your money? +RACHEL: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop. +NOTFRIEND: Which one was Pete Carney? +RACHEL: He was the weeper. Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. Was it good for you? +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox? +RACHEL: They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it? +RACHEL: Well tell us! +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes! +RACHEL: Man, I never thought I'd be here. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I’m kinda hungry myself. +RACHEL: Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, if you're really hungry. It was a joke, I made a joke. +RACHEL: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, Why not?! +RACHEL: Oh so-so not really never. +NOTFRIEND: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you're with me. +RACHEL: I can not believe your trading me! +NOTFRIEND: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel. +RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country. +NOTFRIEND: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’llI’ll go back to some of the places I went last night. +RACHEL: All right, well how much time do you need? +NOTFRIEND: Ow! Ow! +RACHEL: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go. +NOTFRIEND: Is this Emmett? +RACHEL: Uh, its Emma. +NOTFRIEND: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay? +RACHEL: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: You-you got the job! You’re my new assistant! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she-she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird. +RACHEL: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind. +NOTFRIEND: Why? +RACHEL: Because he's stealing from me! +NOTFRIEND: I do yoga. +RACHEL: Bring it on! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank you. Hey, hey. Rachel! +RACHEL: Ohhh, you got my message. +NOTFRIEND: I mean, uhm, you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough guy. You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now. +RACHEL: Huh ha ha! +NOTFRIEND: Why to save your dignity my man. +RACHEL: Why would I ever want to take away from your night? +NOTFRIEND: Well, do you think I should propose? +RACHEL: I think it could be kind of great! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, my! +RACHEL: Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? +NOTFRIEND: Good morning Rachel. +RACHEL: Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She's avoiding me, she doesn't want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won't tell me. +RACHEL: Aww Pheebs, that sucks! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I never could do it. +RACHEL: Oh but you could. You can. We can help each other out! We can get-what are those-those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters! +NOTFRIEND: Surprise. +RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some coleslaw, some beans, and a Coke——Diet Coke. +RACHEL: I don’t know why they didn’t just tell us. +NOTFRIEND: Forget it. +RACHEL: What now Ross you’re not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. I mean you’d think the damn jalepeno would’ve cleared up your sinuses, but no! That’s not enough… What are you doing?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I love you too. +RACHEL: And I hope it’s not an inappropriate time to say this but, you’re the best sex I ever had. +NOTFRIEND: I’m still on the set! +RACHEL: The wedding is in less than an hour! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I think I'm gonna take off. +NOTFRIEND: What’s the matter? +RACHEL: I am sorry, I don’t know, I am sorry, I don’t know why I did that! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know. And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? +RACHEL: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! I miss that dog. +NOTFRIEND: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do. +RACHEL: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? +NOTFRIEND: Oy. +RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. +NOTFRIEND: No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about? +RACHEL: No, IIII don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, you guys! Guess what? +RACHEL: Got a job on a river boat? +NOTFRIEND: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out. +RACHEL: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone. +NOTFRIEND: Op! You’re peeping! +RACHEL: Y’know what, I just got, why? Why did you do this?! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to handle this. Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations. +RACHEL: I've gotta, just say what it is I'm gonna say. None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me. +NOTFRIEND: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector. +RACHEL: I, I don’t even know what to say. +NOTFRIEND: I said we are not going to do it. Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby. +RACHEL: I am not a baby. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, no. No, we’re not. +RACHEL: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it’s a boy or a girl? Phoebe or Phoebo? +NOTFRIEND: Give me two. +RACHEL: Then why do you ask?! +NOTFRIEND: You’re gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him? +RACHEL: I don’t know. I know I don’t work late tomorrow night. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, well give me the phone then. +RACHEL: Come on, this isn’t funny. She thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. You have to call her! +NOTFRIEND: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up? +RACHEL: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left? +NOTFRIEND: Good for you. +RACHEL: Mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yes! +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here! +RACHEL: Ross, it’s okay. You can come out. +NOTFRIEND: I'm here. +RACHEL: Well, um. We, we, we were just. +NOTFRIEND: Miss? Please, sit down! +RACHEL: I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them. +NOTFRIEND: There you go! +RACHEL: Oh my God, Monica’s gonna go out with a millionaire. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, the owner of Allesandro's came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef! +RACHEL: You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I'm soo happy! +NOTFRIEND: You look like a freak. +RACHEL: Awful, absolutely awful. +NOTFRIEND: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore. +RACHEL: Now that she broke up with you? +NOTFRIEND: I love you too. Please don't. Don't turn into, you know. French bitch! +RACHEL: Well, if I gonna do this, I'd better keep going. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! Hey, Rach! +RACHEL: Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day! +NOTFRIEND: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t! +RACHEL: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other families. I just picked you guys because. I liked you the best. +RACHEL: Oh, damn you Geller! +NOTFRIEND: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him. +RACHEL: You don't want me to get a job? +NOTFRIEND: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! Ah! That thing gets hot! +RACHEL: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win? +NOTFRIEND: All right, you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started! +RACHEL: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up. +NOTFRIEND: What have you got there? +RACHEL: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers. +NOTFRIEND: Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie! +RACHEL: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone. +NOTFRIEND: You got off the plane. +RACHEL: I do love you. +NOTFRIEND: Did you find the dress? +RACHEL: You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy! +NOTFRIEND: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's. sitting in a chair! +RACHEL: Is this a little too. Pheebs, what happened? +NOTFRIEND: Hi! +RACHEL: Wh-what are you doing here? +NOTFRIEND: I’ll talk to them! +RACHEL: It was bananas, cream, and beef! II just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad! +NOTFRIEND: Me. +RACHEL: Why would I have to sleep with you? +NOTFRIEND: What’s up? +RACHEL: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’tI don’t… +NOTFRIEND: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me. +RACHEL: Okay, calm down, here they are. +NOTFRIEND: Ohhhh. +RACHEL: That’s nice. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C. H. E. E. S. E.! +NOTFRIEND: What about all the guys that you've got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them? +RACHEL: I could, I could but I don't want to! I want to kiss Joey! +NOTFRIEND: Look I told you. +RACHEL: I don’t wanna hear Three failed marriages! +NOTFRIEND: What are you talking about? We're all together right now. +RACHEL: Um, Mon, Chandler's not here. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up? +NOTFRIEND: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you. +RACHEL: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, good. +RACHEL: Me, Fladermouse, great. I really. +NOTFRIEND: Shhh! I’m on a call! Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It’s umm, it’s umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y’know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. Okay, well okay I’ll see you then. Bye. +RACHEL: You do know that I will be here when he comes over. +NOTFRIEND: Look, maybe we should go? +RACHEL: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking. +NOTFRIEND: I've never done that. +RACHEL: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no. +NOTFRIEND: Blue blazer back. He, he wants it back. +RACHEL: Well you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black? +NOTFRIEND: DON'T be too long with the phone. +RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes. +NOTFRIEND: You're good. These are not. +RACHEL: I'm so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop. +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that? +RACHEL: No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling. +NOTFRIEND: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!? +RACHEL: Well, legend has it Joey, that, she comes alive when you're asleep. +NOTFRIEND: Wow. +RACHEL: It seems smaller somehow. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Rach! +RACHEL: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. +NOTFRIEND: Not her! +RACHEL: I am sooo drunk. +NOTFRIEND: Why not?! I'd be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get, oh I see. +RACHEL: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date oh, he's so gonna get the wrong idea. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here. +RACHEL: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not! +NOTFRIEND: Go, go, go! +RACHEL: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat! +NOTFRIEND: Well, don't think I haven't noticed your potential. Well, I've got a project for you that's a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound? +RACHEL: Oh, that sounds great. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you. +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no-no, no! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go? +RACHEL: We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore. +NOTFRIEND: Mm! Night Gar’! +RACHEL: So did you read your evaluation yet? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, +RACHEL: All right all right all right all right, I know. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: No, no don’t get mad because look, this is what happened. So II started packing, then I realized, What am I doing? I am lousy at packing! But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing. +RACHEL: What does that thing do? +NOTFRIEND: It’s very interesting, Phoebe. +RACHEL: What’s this? +NOTFRIEND: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of, no guys around, huh. +RACHEL: Does anybody need anything? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yay! +RACHEL: But y'know umm, Rachel doesn't rhyme with draddle. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what's going on? +RACHEL: Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I've got to get this order in. Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! No, that s right. And I thought it was a really good idea. +RACHEL: I know, I remember that! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, I thought I cheered you up. +RACHEL: Oh you did, there are twenty in here. +NOTFRIEND: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. +RACHEL: You went shopping for fur? +NOTFRIEND: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous! +RACHEL: Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed! +NOTFRIEND: What? That’s great. That is great. What did we just finish talking about Ben?! +RACHEL: Oh I… +NOTFRIEND: What, so what are you gonna tell him? +RACHEL: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I’m gonna tell him no. +NOTFRIEND: Behind you? +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here sometimes they migrate back over. +NOTFRIEND: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? +RACHEL: Oh God, well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden Sweet 'n' Lo? I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Y'know, I mean, he always looked familiar, but. Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, hold on. Okay. +RACHEL: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to. +NOTFRIEND: Petty. +RACHEL: Petty. +NOTFRIEND: Really? A purse? +RACHEL: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you're going out with Chip Matthews? +NOTFRIEND: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. +RACHEL:  the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown.  I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, Once a cheater, always a cheater.   Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective. +NOTFRIEND: Oh? +RACHEL: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch. +NOTFRIEND: Ah… Hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking? +RACHEL: Hm-mmm. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! That guy is so rude! +RACHEL: What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you. +NOTFRIEND: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for— I’m sorry I couldn’t even get through that. +RACHEL: Come on tell me your moves. +NOTFRIEND: Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know. +RACHEL: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna go through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on. +NOTFRIEND: Well, Ben would be there. +RACHEL: Huh umm… +NOTFRIEND: Whoo hoo hoooo! +RACHEL: A pool table? +NOTFRIEND: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. +RACHEL: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? +NOTFRIEND: There's not much we can do. +RACHEL: Um, unless, unless I use yours. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on your husband! +RACHEL: Oh what do you know? +NOTFRIEND: Oh man. +RACHEL: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue. +NOTFRIEND: No, sorry. +RACHEL: Well where's Amanda? +NOTFRIEND: Hey Amy. +RACHEL: Oh Amy, you remember Ross. +NOTFRIEND: I don't care. +RACHEL: Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that's great! Congratulations! +RACHEL: Hey, how'd the catering go? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction. +RACHEL: Okay, okay, okay. +NOTFRIEND: No, I haven’t. +RACHEL: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her. +NOTFRIEND: Funny one! That’s good! +RACHEL: Monica, will-will you marry me? +NOTFRIEND: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance. +RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Okay, bye-bye! +NOTFRIEND: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this? +RACHEL: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry, what? +RACHEL: I was justI was just reading to Emma. +NOTFRIEND: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us. +RACHEL: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down. +NOTFRIEND: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn’t buy that lamp? +RACHEL: I would so move out! +NOTFRIEND: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?! +RACHEL: I can’t believe that you yelled at my boss! I’mI’m gonna lose my job!! +NOTFRIEND: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. +RACHEL: II do, do that. +NOTFRIEND: Well it you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you. +RACHEL: No, no, no, I'm looking at a purchase order right here and it clearly states that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of sizes and colours. What does it matter, what I'm wearing?! Can I please speak to your supervisor? We're holding. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember? +RACHEL: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. +RACHEL: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight. +RACHEL:! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya? +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: No, I knew. +NOTFRIEND: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goood. +RACHEL: So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street? +NOTFRIEND: I am so sorry. +RACHEL: That’s all right. I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh? +NOTFRIEND: Way to go guys. Y’know, you-you were really good at the stuff too. +RACHEL: Hey, y’know what we never did? Oh no, not that. We uh, we never had bonus night! +NOTFRIEND: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good. +RACHEL: Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me! +NOTFRIEND: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down? +RACHEL: He didn't turn me down! He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it! +NOTFRIEND: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! +RACHEL: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, totally! That's such a turn-on! +RACHEL: It doesn't seem desperate? +NOTFRIEND: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it's way better than that classic of yours. +RACHEL: Ah, well we'll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, and you will read Little Women. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, no way, that rooster's family! +RACHEL: Throw in the duck too! +NOTFRIEND: It was fine. +RACHEL: Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now? +NOTFRIEND: Well, legend has it Joey, that, she comes alive when you're asleep. +RACHEL: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know, hey! You're the one who ended it, remember? +RACHEL: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! +NOTFRIEND: Are you close with them? +RACHEL: No-no, they're not very nice people. +NOTFRIEND: Well, what period is it from? +RACHEL: Uh, it’s from yore. Like the days of yore. Y’know? +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear. +NOTFRIEND: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right? +RACHEL: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh. +RACHEL: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment. +NOTFRIEND: I fell asleep! +RACHEL: You fell asleep?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all. +RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel? +NOTFRIEND: Okay! +RACHEL: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. I guess there’s just always been this distance y’know—I mean we both try to pretend it’s not there, but it is. +RACHEL: It’s gotta be rough. +NOTFRIEND: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work. +RACHEL: That's good enough. Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books! +NOTFRIEND: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together! +RACHEL: Nobody even saw! +NOTFRIEND: Focus. +RACHEL: Um…But—Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know I would it’s just painful. +RACHEL: So she’s really not dead. +NOTFRIEND: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine. +RACHEL: I can't believe you guys are actually think you're moving in here! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he’s gay. +RACHEL: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, good to know. So close! +RACHEL: I can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas. +NOTFRIEND: What? Are you out of your mind? Lets throw some jello on them. Amy starts spitting on Rachel's hand and Rachel is saying ew and pushes her away. +RACHEL: Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to. +NOTFRIEND: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend. +RACHEL: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. +RACHEL: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married? +NOTFRIEND: No! But we-we didn’t have sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur. +RACHEL: I remember laughing! I laughed a lot. +NOTFRIEND: Ha-ha. Are all you processors dorks? +RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you. +NOTFRIEND: And the eye! +RACHEL: That was one time, Ross, and they were only like 5 milligrams. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL:and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. +NOTFRIEND: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss. +RACHEL: Look, If I don't get to London! He is going to marry that other. +NOTFRIEND: Sure. +RACHEL: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Corino’s. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy. +RACHEL: Because you took three hundred bottles of shampoo? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull. +RACHEL: Oh, you guys, I can't believe this. But I'll leave now, or I'm gonna miss my plane. +NOTFRIEND: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here. +RACHEL: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! +NOTFRIEND: Okay. You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me! +RACHEL: What‘cha doing Mon? +NOTFRIEND: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we've got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know. +RACHEL: How often do you read it? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?! +RACHEL: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I gotI got drunk and married in Vegas! +NOTFRIEND: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later. +RACHEL: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she'd still be with us nothing about an assistant buyer? +NOTFRIEND: Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin! +RACHEL: Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next? +NOTFRIEND: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship! +RACHEL: You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for! +NOTFRIEND: Kinda, you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys. +RACHEL: No, I mean, se-x-u-ally. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that? +RACHEL: I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs! +RACHEL: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am. +RACHEL: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o’ clock. So I was hoping you and I could have a. +NOTFRIEND: You have to help me! I’m supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! +RACHEL: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? That's fine. +RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like? +NOTFRIEND: 1.2.3! +RACHEL: All right, I'll just stay in here this time. +NOTFRIEND: You're going to carry their child and get them a Sony Play Station? +RACHEL: Honey, this is really an incredible thing to do for them but there are things to think about. +NOTFRIEND: You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?! +RACHEL: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself. +NOTFRIEND: Ow! +RACHEL: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or something. +NOTFRIEND: Uh, you left out the stupid part. +RACHEL: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes. +NOTFRIEND: Who wants it? Anybody? +RACHEL: I said I’ll do it! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, go left. Left! Left! +RACHEL: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left! +NOTFRIEND: Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. +RACHEL:  She didn't hang up either. +NOTFRIEND: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never got to be in a club. II didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour. +RACHEL: All right, y’know—Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! +NOTFRIEND: Get out! +RACHEL: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work. +NOTFRIEND: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby… +RACHEL: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now! +NOTFRIEND: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos? +RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: From the guy in the bar, why didn’t I get that message? +NOTFRIEND: Really? Well, in that case. +RACHEL: And that's I'm so glad there's no problem. +NOTFRIEND: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat. +RACHEL: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat. +NOTFRIEND: Rach? You wanna come? +RACHEL: Oh no, I can’t. I got a date. +NOTFRIEND: All right. All right, I’ll do it. +RACHEL: Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: So what’s the final head count on my baby shower? +NOTFRIEND: It’s still a gift! I got it from the gift shop! +RACHEL: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I’ll keep the mug. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. What are we gonna do? +RACHEL: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap. +NOTFRIEND: Thanks. Oh. +RACHEL: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have? +NOTFRIEND: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk! +RACHEL: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch! +NOTFRIEND: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake. +RACHEL: Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly! +NOTFRIEND: How did work go? +RACHEL: I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about! +NOTFRIEND: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding! +RACHEL: Oh, what a fun office. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: ‘Kay. +NOTFRIEND: I just wanna read something. It's your pro-list. +RACHEL: Not interested. +NOTFRIEND: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922? +RACHEL: What's 1922? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. +RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument. +NOTFRIEND: Still thinking about it huh? +RACHEL: Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? Especially you! +NOTFRIEND: What did you say?! +RACHEL: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie. +NOTFRIEND: You've never asked a guy out?! +RACHEL: Have you? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I'd expect nothing less. +RACHEL: I got to figure out what I'm going to wear. +NOTFRIEND: Well ah, actually. +RACHEL: I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy. +NOTFRIEND: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away. +RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding. +NOTFRIEND: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab? +RACHEL: Yeah, otherwise I’m not going. +NOTFRIEND: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine. +RACHEL: There is a trash can right there. +NOTFRIEND: The guy with the gas?! +RACHEL: I'mI'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you. +NOTFRIEND: I'm his. +RACHEL: You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what? +NOTFRIEND: I'm still on no. +RACHEL: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec? +NOTFRIEND: What?! I can’t believe you’re trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me! +RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry. II don’t mean. I didn’t mean to stifle you. This is all just a little overwhelming. +NOTFRIEND: What award are you practicing for? +RACHEL: Grammy, Best New Artist. +NOTFRIEND: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could. +RACHEL: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns. +NOTFRIEND: I love my job. +RACHEL: Yeah, I can't wait to go back to work. +NOTFRIEND: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that: Losers! +RACHEL: I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. +NOTFRIEND: No no no, go. +RACHEL: No, you have it, really, I don't want it. +NOTFRIEND: I can't believe I'm hearing this! +RACHEL: I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, I just it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, controversial. +NOTFRIEND: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement! +RACHEL: Oh, I can t believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry. See ya. +RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so. +NOTFRIEND: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, really? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Umm, maybe you can start with, Chandler, even though we were friends there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more. +NOTFRIEND: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray! +RACHEL: Shut up, that was my friend Melissa from college. +NOTFRIEND: All right, I’m gonna go! +RACHEL: Now Joey, what did the duck do?! +NOTFRIEND: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there. +RACHEL: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night. +NOTFRIEND: Ahh. +RACHEL: OK, ready when you are. +NOTFRIEND: Is he still mad at us? +RACHEL: Well, you more then me, but he can’t stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby. +NOTFRIEND: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know? +RACHEL: Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special. +NOTFRIEND: It’s not a club. +RACHEL: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him? +NOTFRIEND: Uh Rachel has left the building, can you call back? +RACHEL: Alright, c'mon! Let's play Twister! +NOTFRIEND: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! +RACHEL: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! +NOTFRIEND: Oh! okay. Wait, are we in Joey's imagination? +RACHEL: I took one of Ross' bags by mistake, and one of mine is missing. +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don’t we not speak until then. +RACHEL: Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That’s great! +NOTFRIEND: So, did I hear Poconos? +RACHEL: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend. +NOTFRIEND: Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that? +RACHEL: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting! +RACHEL: Look at it, isn’t it beautiful? +NOTFRIEND: How did the job stuff go? +RACHEL: He offered me one. +NOTFRIEND: They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me! +RACHEL: Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. +NOTFRIEND: May I come in? +RACHEL: Uh, yeah, if you want too. +NOTFRIEND: Oh great! I’ll keep it in my butt with your nose. +RACHEL: That’s weird, she locked the door. +NOTFRIEND: I’ve got to say I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you. +RACHEL: I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn’t be a secret, and we wouldn’t have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. +NOTFRIEND: Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! +RACHEL: It’s a different guy! +NOTFRIEND: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there. +RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with. +NOTFRIEND: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! Ah-ah! Damn fridge! +RACHEL: Hi Joey, how ya doin’? +NOTFRIEND: But. +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just leave it at, you like me and I like you. +NOTFRIEND: Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way jackass! Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? +RACHEL: That is the Coast Guard. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! We are! +RACHEL: We’re the Cobras! +NOTFRIEND: Well, y’know it’s none of my business, but aren’t you married? +RACHEL: Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y’know I just wish we could be like on a break! +NOTFRIEND: How did the job stuff go? +RACHEL: He offered me one. +NOTFRIEND: Very informative! +RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate! +NOTFRIEND: What, it's not your fault. +RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that. +NOTFRIEND: And there’s daddy! +RACHEL: Switch places with me! Switch places with me! I’ll go under, you go over! +NOTFRIEND: Check the freezer. If there's none in there, then we're probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It's late. +RACHEL: I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, look at you! Where have you been? +RACHEL: Oh, I went to have pizza. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could. +RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything. +NOTFRIEND: Oh uh, it didn’t work out. +RACHEL: Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad. +RACHEL: So bad. +NOTFRIEND: Are you serious? +RACHEL: We know what these are worth. +NOTFRIEND: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. Oh, you mean today. +RACHEL: Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: So hi! +NOTFRIEND: Sure. +RACHEL: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one? +NOTFRIEND: What?! What?! +RACHEL: Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! +NOTFRIEND: Helps a little. +RACHEL: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles. +RACHEL: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. +NOTFRIEND: Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother! +RACHEL: Big night! +NOTFRIEND: It's the police! +RACHEL: The police! +NOTFRIEND: You're not going? +RACHEL: Uh-huh. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat. +RACHEL: I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug! +NOTFRIEND: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii. +RACHEL: What, what incident? +NOTFRIEND: So then if-if, I mean if you think about it, this is all your fault. +RACHEL: Yeah, don’t push it though. +NOTFRIEND: 1.2! Y'know what? You're young you probably don't have glaucoma. +RACHEL: It was very, very nice to meet you sir-Ow!! +NOTFRIEND: No. Which one? The right or left? Cos the left one is lucky. +RACHEL: Come on you guys, what am I going to do? What are we going to do? +NOTFRIEND: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy. +RACHEL: Yeah, that’s gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I……I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of ourlives. +NOTFRIEND: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute. +RACHEL: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I’m sorry, semi-private? We, we asked for a private room. +NOTFRIEND: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. +RACHEL: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight. +NOTFRIEND: There was never a good time. +RACHEL: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night. +NOTFRIEND: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya’? +RACHEL: That refrigerators don’t live as long as people. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break! +RACHEL: Wait, what am I gonna do? +NOTFRIEND: You heard her too?! You have the gift! +RACHEL: Phoebe, it’s okay. I like living with Joey. +NOTFRIEND: Hey Chandler can I talk to you for a second. +RACHEL: No need! Problem solved, we are powering through. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, we're having a big party tomorrow night. Later! Starts for. +RACHEL: Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us? +NOTFRIEND: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that. +RACHEL: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and. +NOTFRIEND: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here? +RACHEL: Oh, right, that's me! +NOTFRIEND: Okay, so will you meet with her? +RACHEL: I’d love to! Have her come by the office. +NOTFRIEND: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks! +RACHEL: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words! +NOTFRIEND: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on the. +RACHEL: Okay, aahhh. Please laugh for mommy. Please laugh for. +NOTFRIEND: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it. +RACHEL: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! +NOTFRIEND: Stay well. +RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today. +NOTFRIEND: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them. +RACHEL: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun. +NOTFRIEND: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross? +RACHEL: Manhattan does not have enough stores. +NOTFRIEND: No. What ever happened to that little dude. So full of dreams. +RACHEL: I don’t care about the little dude! I can’t! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Y’know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it’s only because they get paid 100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could’ve made listening to you? And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! It’s my fashion girls! What’s wrong? +RACHEL: Honey, why don’t you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you. +NOTFRIEND: No, too late. You can't give it back! +RACHEL: Yes I can! +NOTFRIEND: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little. +RACHEL: I think we can do this if we just get organized. We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! All right, where are we gonna have it? +NOTFRIEND: she's being unreasonable! +RACHEL: Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much Oh don't cover its ears! It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey! +NOTFRIEND: Oh right! +RACHEL: Hey Joey, can I ask you something? +NOTFRIEND: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin’ around! Like you did last night when I had to pee? +RACHEL: I was just messin’ with you too! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you? +NOTFRIEND: Not that often! +RACHEL: I’m so happy for them! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? +RACHEL: My boss wants to buy my baby! +NOTFRIEND: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend. +RACHEL: I’d love to! +NOTFRIEND: No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. +RACHEL: Wait-wait where are you going? +NOTFRIEND: It's a good toast. +RACHEL: Could you please get her attention? +NOTFRIEND: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym! +RACHEL: Who are these men? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, me too. So, I guess this is it. +RACHEL: Umm, unless you wanna come inside? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I’m up! I’m up! +RACHEL: I got you some coffee. To, uh, fair enough. Do you got anything for me? +NOTFRIEND: Aww, come on. +RACHEL: That’s it. +NOTFRIEND: High collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro. +RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you guys later. Woo hoo! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know Rachel, why? +RACHEL: Well, y’know it’s just been so long since I’ve been to Chuckie Cheese. +NOTFRIEND: I’ll bet you looked beautiful. +RACHEL: Well, I don’t know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel. +NOTFRIEND: Done. +RACHEL: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out. +NOTFRIEND: People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again! +RACHEL: She could be you. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, all right, it’s a date. +RACHEL: Hang in there. You hang in there. +NOTFRIEND: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do. +RACHEL: Ohhh, II would enjoy that! +NOTFRIEND: Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet. +RACHEL: All right, first name on the speed dial is mom. +NOTFRIEND: And what will that be on the side of? +RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you bitched about it, then you would stop cooking, and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke. +RACHEL: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors. +RACHEL: III didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute. +NOTFRIEND: Ooh. So umm, I was talkin’ to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place. +RACHEL: Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go. +NOTFRIEND: Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. Listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you. Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Drestin and I had sex on your bed. +RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, why? Why would I sleep with Billy Drestin? His father tried to put you out of business! You are dead! +NOTFRIEND: It's huge. +RACHEL: I can't believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato. +NOTFRIEND: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed? +RACHEL: Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, you and Mark?! +RACHEL: No, no-no, it’s okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work. +NOTFRIEND: Plus, you look cool. +RACHEL: Well, I just called Joshua. +NOTFRIEND: You’re moving? +RACHEL: Yeah, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be, How you doin’? +NOTFRIEND: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go! +RACHEL: Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is? +NOTFRIEND: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job. +RACHEL: Oh God, how could I be so stupid?! +NOTFRIEND: They know you know. +RACHEL: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! +NOTFRIEND: Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? +RACHEL: Okay, get ready to see some beggin’! +NOTFRIEND: Yes. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. +RACHEL: I’m not! We’re having a girl! Sometimes I can’t believe it’s with you—But still! We’re having a girl! +NOTFRIEND: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing. +RACHEL: I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional. +NOTFRIEND: But we do! It's gonna be ok, Rach! +RACHEL: I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital! +NOTFRIEND: Good morning. +RACHEL: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night? +NOTFRIEND: Are you sure? +RACHEL: Oh please, I hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I’m really gonna miss living with you. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack. +RACHEL: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. +RACHEL: Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. So 800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody? +NOTFRIEND: Wait. Rachel, no, he's married. Married! If you don't realize that, I can't help you. +RACHEL: Okay, you're right. You can't help me. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff. +RACHEL: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica’s and she and Chandler had a big fight and they’re not moving in. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, or you and me. Drew was very disappointed. +RACHEL: OK, well, bye. +NOTFRIEND: Was she happy you gave her the job? +RACHEL: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant. +NOTFRIEND: Not, not, not every night. You know, and, and it's not like I didn't try Rachel but things got in the way, ya know, like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys. +RACHEL: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point? +NOTFRIEND: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There’s some in the bag but I’ll run out and get some more. +RACHEL: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin? +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. +RACHEL: You are right there with Emily. And it’s y’know, it’s kinda like, it’s a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please? +RACHEL: Umm, they didn’t have poppy seed bagels, so I Oh my word! +NOTFRIEND: What?! +RACHEL: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush. And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. Rachel! Hi! +RACHEL: What do ya think? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. +RACHEL: Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night. +NOTFRIEND: Chicken? Chicken boy! +RACHEL: My God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I wouldn’t do that! +NOTFRIEND: I think I’m gonna cry! +RACHEL: No more crying! I just dumped one cry baby, I’ll dump you too! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. It happened! +RACHEL: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes! +NOTFRIEND: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup! +RACHEL: Oh please, you inhale your food! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out! +NOTFRIEND: I suppose. +RACHEL: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, Once a cheater, always a cheater. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let’s serve that dessert already! +RACHEL: Joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don’t get any dessert. +NOTFRIEND: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping. +RACHEL: Mine too. +NOTFRIEND: I know if you were getting married I’d feel, kinda, y’know. +RACHEL: Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I’m okay. +NOTFRIEND: Are you kidding? I love that guy! Morning’s here! Morning is here. +RACHEL: I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small. +NOTFRIEND: So how are things going with Paul? +RACHEL: Although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. Y’know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings. +NOTFRIEND: That money is mine, Green! +RACHEL: You're fly is open, Geller! +NOTFRIEND: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job. +RACHEL:! Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s what is what’s your name? +NOTFRIEND: See you later Rach. +RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. +NOTFRIEND: Eeaagh! +RACHEL: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something. +RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. Okay, I'm late for work. +NOTFRIEND: What do you need help for? +RACHEL: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other. +NOTFRIEND: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I’ll tell ya. +RACHEL: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it’s so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: Well, good thing you number all of them, huh? +NOTFRIEND: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again? +RACHEL: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents. +NOTFRIEND: Wha, you're uh, you're, you're over me? +RACHEL: Ohh, ohh. +NOTFRIEND: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to. +RACHEL: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at the end. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think so. +RACHEL: Can I please be there when you tell her? +NOTFRIEND: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we’re gonna get married. +RACHEL: Do you even understand what off the rack means?! +NOTFRIEND: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?' +RACHEL: Afraid to ask him? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Give it here. +NOTFRIEND: I…I don’t care about fashion! I’m pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me! +RACHEL: And there’s marketing. +NOTFRIEND: Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty. +RACHEL: She's still with you? +NOTFRIEND: I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always. +RACHEL: During that second time you couldn't have picked. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah? You found them! Y’know what? I’m not even going to gloat. I’m just really relived this whole thing is over. +RACHEL: You put these on my desk! +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor? +RACHEL: Ooh, so cute, that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye. +NOTFRIEND: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah! +RACHEL: Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me? +NOTFRIEND: Eww! +RACHEL: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa. +NOTFRIEND: Morning, roomie! +RACHEL: You remembered to put clothes on this morning. +NOTFRIEND: Say what? +RACHEL: That’s your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. We have rat babies now. +RACHEL: Ahhhh, you brought rats to my birthday party? +NOTFRIEND: You don't clean the cappuccino machine? +RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it. +NOTFRIEND: You’re my friend! +RACHEL: Right back at ya! +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, Rachel, my parents. +RACHEL: It’s so nice to meet you. +NOTFRIEND: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there where that boatload of girls is! Yo-ho-ho! +RACHEL: Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, what’s this called? +NOTFRIEND: So I'm not, not gonna lose her? +RACHEL: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser. +NOTFRIEND: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred. +RACHEL: Ohh, I just don't think I have enough. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t think so dear. +RACHEL: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. All right, you are settin’ sail up the Hudson! You’ve got the wind in your h, arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can, ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy. +NOTFRIEND: and II can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. +RACHEL: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? +NOTFRIEND: I’m gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right. +RACHEL: Ok, let’s keep talking. +NOTFRIEND: I know honey, I'm sorry. +RACHEL: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in. +NOTFRIEND: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! Oh. +RACHEL: Oh Monica, we are so sorry. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, she was bald, she’s not now. +RACHEL: How could you not tell me that she has hair? +NOTFRIEND: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! No! No! Emily! +RACHEL: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, he will have a white wine spritzer. Hey, look at that, the airport's moving. Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we're moving? +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Look um, about what happened earlier. +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Can Emma and I live here for a while? +NOTFRIEND: That’s correct. +RACHEL: You wanna go in the bedroom? It’s a little more comfortable. +NOTFRIEND: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty. +RACHEL: Yeah, she's. +NOTFRIEND: Actually, y'know it's kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff? +RACHEL: All right, I'm gonna make more margaritas! +NOTFRIEND: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again. +RACHEL: So are we good? +NOTFRIEND: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money. +RACHEL: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we’ve got candy. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: With Ross and my sister? +NOTFRIEND: Well, the duck. +RACHEL:! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?! +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue. +RACHEL: I would check your hand but. I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease! +NOTFRIEND: Ohhh, nice. +RACHEL: No, we kinda broke up instead. +NOTFRIEND: Ohh! +RACHEL: Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming! +NOTFRIEND: How is that ever going to happen?! +RACHEL: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?! +NOTFRIEND: You have Knicks tickets? +RACHEL: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. +NOTFRIEND: I’m so happy! +RACHEL: Oh, thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? +NOTFRIEND: Hi, guys. +RACHEL: Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe's. +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. +NOTFRIEND: I thought you came to say you were sick. +RACHEL: Ok professor or detective? +NOTFRIEND: JOEY! +RACHEL: You are not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened? +NOTFRIEND: Oh my God! Rachel! You look terrific! +RACHEL: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? +NOTFRIEND: Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. +RACHEL: Ow, that had to hurt! +NOTFRIEND: You think so too? +RACHEL: No I, no Ross is not a geek! +NOTFRIEND: Did you find it? +RACHEL: The earring? But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. +NOTFRIEND: Uh-huh. +RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening. +NOTFRIEND: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time! +RACHEL: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils! +NOTFRIEND: I don’t see him. Hey! Maybe he’s in the sugar bowl! Joey? Nope! +RACHEL: Well, at least you make each other laugh. +NOTFRIEND: That little naked guy would be me. +RACHEL: Aww, look at the little thing. +NOTFRIEND: Me. +RACHEL: Anyway, um, I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me. +NOTFRIEND: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when. Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff. +RACHEL: Oh no, yes I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know? +NOTFRIEND: Why? What was wrong with her? +RACHEL: There was nothing wrong with her! She was perfectly lovely! +NOTFRIEND: Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime! +RACHEL: He’s coming over! He’s coming over! +NOTFRIEND: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing that goes on top of the blender, and I thought, well, how important can that be, right? Turns out very! +RACHEL: Wow, definitely just Drake. +NOTFRIEND: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries? +RACHEL: So don't do it. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, I’m gonna get your coat and then I’llI’ll put you in a cab. +RACHEL: Oh wait, wait-wait, you’re not gonna come with me? +NOTFRIEND: Isn’t that mine? +RACHEL: I’m sorry for your loss! +NOTFRIEND: Would you like to have dinner sometime? +RACHEL: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? +NOTFRIEND: Work on your music? +RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik. +NOTFRIEND: Bye, EmmaWemmaDemma. +RACHEL: Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her. +NOTFRIEND: Why would he turn off the TV? +RACHEL: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know what? You are right?! +RACHEL: I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever. +NOTFRIEND: It’s Pam. +RACHEL: Oh God okay, just imagine this, The Pam. +NOTFRIEND: All right, I’ll pick that one. +RACHEL: That’s also the smaller piece. Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, Rach, I think you’re handling that really well. +RACHEL: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There’s nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn’t for me and Joshua. Y’know, they’re not gonna get married anyway! +NOTFRIEND: So umm, where are the other guys? +RACHEL: Umm, well let’s see Monica and Chandler are occupied. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, um. I don't want her watching our baby. +RACHEL: Ross, I am trying to help her become a better person. This is a huge breakthrough for her! She just offered to do something for another human being! +NOTFRIEND: Move! +RACHEL: Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: You know the book says that whenever she’s sleeping I should be sleeping so. +NOTFRIEND: Air hole! Air hole! +RACHEL: I wear it all the time. +NOTFRIEND: I didn't have to tell you that! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers! +RACHEL: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us? +NOTFRIEND: Hey, how you doin'? +RACHEL: You know what, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna call him up, and I'm gonna ask him out. Ask him out. How you doin'? It's Rachel Green from Bloomingdale's. Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we, the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let's see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I'll see you tomorrow. You've done that a thousand times? +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: What’s up, Ross? +NOTFRIEND: Women really want this? +RACHEL: More than jewelry. +NOTFRIEND: Huh? +RACHEL: You're pretty. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, thanks. +RACHEL: The bathroom's up there. Hey, listen Ronnie, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower? +NOTFRIEND: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. +RACHEL: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? +NOTFRIEND: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium! +RACHEL: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was a romantic thing. +NOTFRIEND: Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner. +RACHEL: Well don’t—What happened to Jessica’s body?! +NOTFRIEND: No! But, I’m throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before. +RACHEL: Um-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: I couldn't find anything at Joey-Hey-hey, oh hey! +RACHEL: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. +RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-ofHonor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself. +NOTFRIEND: Ok, what is this? +RACHEL: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you! +NOTFRIEND: I’m not going to do that. +RACHEL: So, we’ll just stay married. +NOTFRIEND: Wait, you can't have the baby here! I mean I haven't sterilised. +RACHEL: We're gonna be okay. +NOTFRIEND: I-kea! This is comfortable. +RACHEL: This place is amazing. +NOTFRIEND: Really? She, she loves me? +RACHEL: If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't, but whatever. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. Aw, forget it. +RACHEL: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for. +NOTFRIEND: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys. +RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century. +NOTFRIEND: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? +RACHEL: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. +NOTFRIEND: Really? Its not just frowned upon? +RACHEL: I love it at Joey’s! +NOTFRIEND: No-ho-ho! Yeah. I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don't you worry, I'm sure with your qualifications you won't need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing. +RACHEL: Well, I, umm. +NOTFRIEND: Clearly you've never been to Sandles Paradise Island. +RACHEL: Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks! And I want everything back to the way it was. I can't say that I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office. +NOTFRIEND: A-a-and, record. +RACHEL: Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really. +NOTFRIEND: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out. +RACHEL: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, how well you know me. +RACHEL: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots! +NOTFRIEND: What? What’s going on? +RACHEL: Come feel this! Come feel my belly! +NOTFRIEND: OK. Quick and painful. +RACHEL: Alright, alright. Ross, please don't hate me. +NOTFRIEND: They have that on the napkins at the club. +RACHEL: Oh, I gotta get back to work. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel always cries! +RACHEL: That s not true! +NOTFRIEND: Well, like father, like son. +RACHEL: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious. +NOTFRIEND: Sure! +RACHEL: He got it a flea market! +NOTFRIEND: Although he does play with himself in his sleep. +RACHEL: I can’t say that I’m surprised. +NOTFRIEND: Oh. +RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30. +NOTFRIEND: Uhhh…that-that may be weird. +RACHEL: Yeah, it would be really weird. +NOTFRIEND: You're not going to go. +RACHEL: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence. +NOTFRIEND: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. +RACHEL: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! Did I just share too much? +NOTFRIEND: No! No dessert, just a check, please. +RACHEL: Oh, you're not having fun, are you? +NOTFRIEND: Oh! +RACHEL: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today. +NOTFRIEND: I'll do it! +RACHEL: So Monica, you are now in control of my love life. +NOTFRIEND: You like me? +RACHEL: Ok, let's not make a big thing about this! +NOTFRIEND: Maybe we should check the trash chute. +RACHEL: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. +RACHEL: So Pheebs, what is the book about? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah! +RACHEL: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, Rach, you're leaving tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing? +RACHEL: It's all done! +NOTFRIEND: Ja! +RACHEL: You know I. +NOTFRIEND: I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know? +RACHEL: Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a quickie before I go to work. +NOTFRIEND: Wow, this is really soft. Three hundred and fifty dollars? +RACHEL: Yeah, down from seven hundred, you are saving like two hundred bucks! +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world. +NOTFRIEND: In your mouth?! +RACHEL: Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee. +NOTFRIEND: You look pretty tonight. +RACHEL: So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer? +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. Rache, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail? +RACHEL: Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go. +NOTFRIEND: What do you mean? +RACHEL: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. +NOTFRIEND: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily. +RACHEL: My dog died! +NOTFRIEND: Right. So how're you doing? +RACHEL: Bitchin' +NOTFRIEND: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning? +RACHEL: Well, I've been up since six. Thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster. +NOTFRIEND: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark. MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark. +RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now. +NOTFRIEND: Yowsa! +RACHEL: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth. +NOTFRIEND: Okay. Sorry. +RACHEL: What grandmother? +NOTFRIEND: Ya know, did you rent mopeds.because I ve heard. Oh It s not about that right now, ok. +RACHEL: Oh, God, you know, I know It s totally superfical, and we have nothing in common, and we don t even speak the same language, but Gohohohoddd. +NOTFRIEND: I am soo dead. +RACHEL: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice. +NOTFRIEND: I did! +RACHEL: I d, it’s just a little weird, it’s you, and it’s me, it's just gonna take some getting used to. +NOTFRIEND: Two hours, that lasted! +RACHEL: So did you break up with Joanna? +NOTFRIEND: It took two people to break up this relationship! +RACHEL: You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for! +NOTFRIEND: Not really. +RACHEL: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming. +NOTFRIEND: All right, and over there is Brady’s Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning. +RACHEL: This is so amazing! +NOTFRIEND: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop? +RACHEL: No, was he any good in it? +NOTFRIEND: She hates Pottery Barn?! +RACHEL: I know, she says it’s all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. So come on, she’s gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! +NOTFRIEND: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled ‘CUT!’ +RACHEL: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade? +NOTFRIEND: That’s no problem. +RACHEL: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long. +NOTFRIEND: Morning! +RACHEL: Oh, how was your date last night? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount. +RACHEL: Oh, Emma loves him! +NOTFRIEND: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger. +RACHEL: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care? +NOTFRIEND: Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! +RACHEL: What thing? What is this thing? +NOTFRIEND: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good. +RACHEL: Oh y'know what, we don’t have to talk about work. We can talk about anything! +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing. +NOTFRIEND: That’s what?! +RACHEL: That is neither here nor there. +NOTFRIEND: No. No. +RACHEL: So who else was in this club? +NOTFRIEND: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?! +RACHEL: It’s just that, Kate bothered me. +NOTFRIEND: I know. +RACHEL: Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here. +NOTFRIEND: Rach? +RACHEL: Coming! Try under the bed, try under the bed! +NOTFRIEND: Well that’s like summer in a bowl. +RACHEL: Oh, Kim, Hi. +NOTFRIEND: Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little nervous. +RACHEL: You really—You look great. +NOTFRIEND: Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth? +RACHEL: I’m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? +NOTFRIEND: You're a pig. And you can't do this. +RACHEL:? I found the hardware store all by myself! +NOTFRIEND: You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends. +RACHEL: I’m sorry honey, I’m just having a, having a rough day. +NOTFRIEND: Really? +RACHEL: Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, +NOTFRIEND: Good idea! +RACHEL: Yeah, oh wait! +NOTFRIEND: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week? +RACHEL: Um-hmm. +NOTFRIEND: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I. I really miss downstairs. +RACHEL: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room. +NOTFRIEND: WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH? +RACHEL: Oh, look at her, so happy! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, hey II have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion, monger. +RACHEL: Honey, I would love for you to go with me. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. +RACHEL: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams? +NOTFRIEND: Good. +RACHEL: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. if you don’t get that. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm so excited about this. +RACHEL: Excited? +NOTFRIEND: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard! +RACHEL: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about? +NOTFRIEND: Y’know why? She’s got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning. +RACHEL: Okay, swear you won’t tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna’s office. Do you wanna see the list? +NOTFRIEND: Come on, you-you can't tell me you actually believe that-that there's a woman inside that cat! +RACHEL: I believe it. +NOTFRIEND: Yeah I did! +RACHEL: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?! +NOTFRIEND: No. Really? +RACHEL: You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio! +NOTFRIEND: Hey, y’know what and if you’re looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died. +RACHEL: Was she old? Does she have a view? +NOTFRIEND: We just want you to think it through. +RACHEL: Why don't you talk to someone who's had a baby. Like your mom. +NOTFRIEND: You’re just new at this, it’ll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn’t have been easy but you figured that out. +RACHEL: Yeah I don’t think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her. +NOTFRIEND: No. +RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months. MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan. +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think it's better if you tell him, you know. It's easier for a woman. That way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go. I didn't mean it. I'm so so-ooory. +RACHEL: Yeah, 'cause that's what we do. +NOTFRIEND: I dunno, well he got over the We were on a break thing really quickly. +RACHEL: Y’know I can’t even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I can’t believe how much I love her, I can’t get enough of her, like right now I miss her.  I actually miss her. +NOTFRIEND: So, you’re saying, uh, if I wear these pants I might be getting into hers? +RACHEL: Why do men keep talking to me like this? +NOTFRIEND: Madame, your passport please? +RACHEL: I was so afraid I wasn't gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said! +NOTFRIEND: Hey. +RACHEL: Those boots are amazing! +NOTFRIEND: Our apartment is ready. +RACHEL: And that makes you angry because. +NOTFRIEND: Rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you. +RACHEL: Oh that’s all right! Y’know, I ended up having a really good time. Y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness. +NOTFRIEND: Dude! What are yo you trying to kill me?! +RACHEL: Pheebs, I wanna ask you something. +NOTFRIEND: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?! +RACHEL: Because you do. +NOTFRIEND: He says he can't do that. +RACHEL: Oh give me, Hi, Mike? I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this I. Phoebe will, do anything you want. Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff. +NOTFRIEND: There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim. +RACHEL: Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day? +NOTFRIEND: I! +RACHEL: Gimme an ‘L!’ +NOTFRIEND: Look, II know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. Because with seahorses it’s the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, I’d be far away in the sea. +RACHEL: I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life! +NOTFRIEND: Yep! There's always room for JellO! +RACHEL: Joey, how do you make that dirty? +NOTFRIEND: What? +RACHEL: They're in a caaar. +NOTFRIEND: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder. +RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now. +NOTFRIEND: I'm sorry! This never happened to me before! I'm an expert at taking off bras! I can do it with one hand! I can do it with my eyes closed! One time I just looked at one, and it popped open! I blame your bra! +RACHEL: It’s a standard issue bra clasp! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! +RACHEL: Hey, hubby! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you. I just can't stand your friends. +RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?. That was fun. +NOTFRIEND: Rach, we had to get out of there because: look what I won! +RACHEL: Oh my God, you stole her award! +NOTFRIEND: Thank you! Good meeting you. +RACHEL: I’m a total pro! +NOTFRIEND: You okay over there? +RACHEL: I don’t know, y’know? I feel a little umm. No, y’know what? Nevermind, I’m gonna be fine. +NOTFRIEND: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today. +RACHEL: Okay Ross that’s fine, but can you please stand near my head? +NOTFRIEND: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? You’re gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself…without a husband?! You can’t be a single mother alone! You’re gonna ruin your life! +RACHEL: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life? +NOTFRIEND: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies. +RACHEL: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian. +NOTFRIEND: So now what’s going on here? +RACHEL: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it. +NOTFRIEND: Also so gay! +RACHEL: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty not-gay-stuff! +NOTFRIEND: I'll be right down. +RACHEL: Wait, so, you're going? +NOTFRIEND: How do you know about that story?! +RACHEL: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy! +NOTFRIEND: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy? +RACHEL: That's not the end. +NOTFRIEND: No, I mean, tonight in the building, suddenly into our lives? +RACHEL: Well, the that cat, the ca cat, turned out to be Paolo s cat, Int that funny. I think it s his cat. +NOTFRIEND: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone. +RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica. +NOTFRIEND: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse. +RACHEL: Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. A smile goes a long way. And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin. +NOTFRIEND: I don’t know. Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate. +RACHEL: Mon, thanks! I love this plate! +NOTFRIEND: It was ok. +RACHEL: I did not know you spoke French. +NOTFRIEND: Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that! +RACHEL: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find 'em all. +NOTFRIEND: Yes, yes, it’s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross. +RACHEL: Oh, well okay. +NOTFRIEND: What?! Oh my-oh my God! +RACHEL: I know I told you, it’s a really big problem. +NOTFRIEND: Aaaah. +RACHEL: The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?! +NOTFRIEND: I’m a little embarrassed. +RACHEL: I’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It’s you guys! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date! +NOTFRIEND: Well obviously I won’t be able to come, for those of you who haven’t checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y’know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you’ve been during this time. I really couldn’t have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant. +RACHEL: That’s right, still no baby! Come on people! Please make some room! +NOTFRIEND: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4. +RACHEL: Can't wait! +NOTFRIEND: Merry Christmas! +RACHEL: Look at this place! +NOTFRIEND: Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part? +RACHEL: The commercial? +NOTFRIEND: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes. +RACHEL: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress? +NOTFRIEND: Huh. Oh, boy! Uhh, II don’t wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you. +RACHEL: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them! +NOTFRIEND: You don't think I'm cute? +RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her? +NOTFRIEND: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart! +RACHEL: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready. +NOTFRIEND: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid. +RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs. +NOTFRIEND: oh! Now it’s a party! +RACHEL: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself! +NOTFRIEND: Congratulations! +RACHEL: Oh that’s great! +NOTFRIEND: Yeah. How 'bout that. +RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to? +NOTFRIEND: Wow! How long were we arguing for? +RACHEL: You’re not the man who left the cell phone. +NOTFRIEND: I love ya. +RACHEL: Love you too. Alright, I'm going to bed. +NOTFRIEND: What are you doing here? +RACHEL: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. \ No newline at end of file