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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'god' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'east' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'up' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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care
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How many times the word 'care' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'made' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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overtures
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How many times the word 'overtures' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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found
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How many times the word 'found' appears in the text?
| 2 |
would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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inquiet
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How many times the word 'inquiet' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'people' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'mine' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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counsel
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How many times the word 'counsel' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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wishes
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How many times the word 'wishes' appears in the text?
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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would now disappear from him unless he interfered to save it. "On this very day it must be saved; and she will do anything you tell her," said his mother. "She regards you more than anyone else. If you were to ask her again now, I believe she would accept you this very day. At any rate, do not let those people have the money." And yet he had not spoken to Margaret on the subject during the journey, and would now have taken her to the lawyer's chambers without a word, had she not interrupted him and stopped him. Nevertheless he had been thinking of his uncle, and his uncle's will, and his uncle's money, throughout the morning. He was thinking of it at that moment when she stopped him--thinking how hard it all was, how cruel that those people in the New Road should have had and spent half his uncle's fortune, and that now the remainder, which at one time had seemed to be near the reach of his own children, should also go to atone for the negligence and fraud of those wretched Rubbs. We all know with how strong a bias we regard our own side of any question, and he regarded his side in this question with a very strong bias. Nevertheless he had refrained from a word, and would have refrained, had she not stopped him. When she took hold of him by the coat, he looked for a moment into her face, and thought that in its trouble it was very sweet. She leaned somewhat against him as she spoke, and he wished that she would lean against him altogether. There was about her a quiet power of endurance, and at the same time a comeliness and a womanly softness which seemed to fit her altogether for his wants and wishes. As he looked with his dull face across into the square, no physiognomist would have declared of him that at that moment he was suffering from love, or thinking of a woman that was dear to him. But it was so with him, and the physiognomist, had one been there, would have been wrong. She had now asked him a question, which he was bound to answer in some way:--"What ought I to do, John?" He turned slowly round and walked with her, away from their destination, round by the south side of the square, and then up along the blank wall on the east side, nearly to the passage into Holborn, and back again all round the enclosed space. She, while she was speaking to him and listening to him, hardly remembered where she was or whither she was going. "I thought," said he, in answer to her question, "that you intended to ask Mr Slow's advice?" "I didn't mean to do more than tell him what should be done. He is not a friend, you know, John." "It's customary to ask lawyers their advice on such subjects." "I'd rather have yours, John. But, in truth, what I want you to say is, that I am right in doing this,--right in keeping my promise to my brother, and providing for his children." "Like most people, Margaret, you want to be advised to follow your own counsel." "God knows that I want to do right, John. I want to do nothing else, John, but what's right. As to this money, I care but little for it for myself." "It is your own, and you have a right to enjoy it." "I don't know much about enjoyment. As to enjoyment, it seems to me to be pretty much the same whether a person is rich or poor. I always used to hear that money brought care, and I'm sure I've found it so since I had any." "You've got no children, Margaret." "No; but there are all those orphans. Am I not bound to look upon them as mine, now that he has gone? If they don't depend on me, whom are they to depend on?" "If your mind is made up, Margaret, I have nothing to say against it. You know what my wishes are. They are just the same now as when you were last with us. It isn't only for the money I say this, though, of course, that must go a long way with a man circumstanced as I am; but, Margaret, I love you dearly, and if you can make up your mind to be my wife, I would do my best to make you happy." "I hadn't meant you to talk in that way, John," said Margaret. But she was not much flurried. She was now so used to these overtures that they did not come to her as much out of the common way. And she gave herself none of that personal credit which women are apt to take to themselves when they find they are often sought in marriage. She looked upon her lovers as so many men to whom her income would be convenient, and felt herself to be almost under an obligation to them for their willingness to put up with the incumbrance which was attached to it. "But it's the only way I can talk when you ask me about this," said he. Then he paused for a moment before he added, "How much is it you wish to give to your brother's widow?" "Half what I've got left." "Got left! You haven't lost any of your money have you, Margaret?" Then she explained to him the facts as to the loan, and took care to explain to him also, very fully, the compensatory fact of the purchase by the railway company. "And my promise to him was made after I had lent it, you know," she urged. "I do think it ought to be deducted; I do indeed," he said. "I am not speaking on my own behalf now, as for the sake of my children, but simply as a man of business. As for myself, though I do think I have been hardly used in the matter of my uncle's money, I'll try to forget it. I'll try at any rate to do without it. When I first knew you, and found--found that I liked you so much, I own that I did have hopes. But if it must be, there shall be an end of that. The children don't starve, I suppose." "Oh, John!" "As for me, I won't hanker after your money. But, for your own sake, Margaret--" "There will be more than enough for me, you know; and, John--" She was going to make him some promise; to tell him something of her intention towards his son, and to make some tender of assistance to himself; being now in that mind to live on the smallest possible pittance, of which I have before spoken, when he ceased speaking or listening, and hurried her on to the attorney's chambers. "Do what you like with it. It is your own," said he. "And we shall do no good by talking about it any longer out here." So at last they made their way up to Mr Slow's rooms, on the first floor in the old house in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and were informed that that gentleman was at home. Would they be pleased to sit down in the waiting-room? There is, I think, no sadder place in the world than the waiting-room attached to an attorney's chambers in London. In this instance it was a three-cornered room, which had got itself wedged in between the house which fronted to Lincoln's Inn Fields, and some buildings in a narrow lane that ran at the back of the row. There was no carpet in it, and hardly any need of one, as the greater part of the floor was strewed with bundles of dusty papers. There was a window in it, which looked out from the point of the further angle against the wall of the opposite building. The dreariness of this aspect had been thought to be too much for the minds of those who waited, and therefore the bottom panes had been clouded, so that there was in fact no power of looking out at all. Over the fireplace there was a table of descents and relationship, showing how heirship went; and the table was very complicated, describing not only the heirship of ordinary real and personal property, but also explaining the wonderful difficulties of gavelkind, and other mysteriously traditional laws. But the table was as dirty as it was complicated, and the ordinary waiting reader could make nothing of it. There was a small table in the room, near the window, which was always covered with loose papers; but these loose papers were on this occasion again covered with sheets of parchment, and a pale-faced man, of about thirty, whose beard had never yet attained power to do more than sprout, was sitting at the table, and poring over the parchments. Round the room, on shelves, there was a variety of iron boxes, on which were written the names of Mr Slow's clients,--of those clients whose property justified them in having special boxes of their own. But these boxes were there, it must be supposed, for temporary purposes,--purposes which might be described as almost permanently temporary,--for those boxes which were allowed to exist in absolute permanence of retirement, were kept in an iron room downstairs, the trap-door into which had yawned upon Miss Mackenzie as she was shown into the waiting-room. There was, however, one such box open, on the middle of the floor, and sundry of the parchments which had been taken from it were lying around it. There were but two chairs in the room besides the one occupied by the man at the table, and these were taken by John Ball and his cousin. She sat herself down, armed with patience, indifferent to the delay and indifferent to the dusty ugliness of everything around her, as women are on such occasions. He, thinking much of his time, and somewhat annoyed at being called upon to wait, sat with his chin resting on his umbrella between his legs, and as he did so he allowed his eyes to roam around among the names upon the boxes. There was nothing on any one of those up on the shelves that attracted him. There was the Marquis of B----, and Sir C. D----, and the Dowager Countess of E----. Seeing this, he speculated mildly whether Mr Slow put forward the boxes of his aristocratic customers to show how well he was doing in the world. But presently his eye fell from the shelf and settled upon the box on the floor. There, on that box, he saw the name of Walter Mackenzie. This did not astonish him, as he immediately said to himself that these papers were being searched with reference to the business on which his cousin was there that day; but suddenly it occurred to him that Margaret had given him to understand that Mr Slow did not expect her. He stepped over to her, therefore, one step over the papers, and asked her the question, whispering it into her ear. "No," said she, "I had no appointment. I don't think he expects me." He returned to his seat, and again sitting down with his chin on the top of his umbrella, surveyed the parchments that lay upon the ground. Upon one of them, that was not far from his feet, he read the outer endorsements written as such endorsements always are, in almost illegible old English letters-- "Jonathan Ball, to John Ball, junior--Deed of Gift." But, after all, there was nothing more than a coincidence in this. Of course Mr Slow would have in his possession all the papers appertaining to the transfer of Jonathan Ball's property to the Mackenzies; or, at any rate, such as referred to Walter's share of it. Indeed, Mr Slow, at the time of Jonathan Ball's death, acted for the two brothers, and it was probable that all the papers would be with him. John Ball had known that there had been some intention on his uncle's part, before the quarrel between his father and his uncle, to make over to him, on his coming of age, a certain property in London, and he had been told that the money which the Mackenzies had inherited had ultimately come from this very property. His uncle had been an eccentric, quarrelsome man, prone to change his mind often, and not regardful of money as far as he himself was concerned. John Ball remembered to have heard that his uncle had intended him to become possessed of certain property in his own right the day that he became of age, and that this had all been changed because of the quarrel which had taken place between his uncle and his father. His father now never spoke of this, and for many years past had seldom mentioned it. But from his mother he had often heard of the special injury which he had undergone. "His uncle," she had said, "had given it, and had taken it back again,--had taken it back that he might waste it on those Mackenzies." All this he had heard very often, but he had never known anything of a deed of gift. Was it not singular, he thought, that the draft of such a deed should be lying at his foot at this moment. He showed nothing of this in his face, and still sat there with his chin resting on his umbrella. But certainly stronger ideas than usual of the great wrongs which he had suffered did come into his head as he looked upon the paper at his feet. He began to wonder whether he would be justified in taking it up and inspecting it. But as he was thinking of this the pale-faced man rose from his chair, and after moving among the papers on the ground for an instant, selected this very document, and carried it with him to his table. Mr Ball, as his eyes followed the parchment, watched the young man dust it and open it, and then having flattened it with his hand, glance over it till he came to a certain spot. The pale-faced clerk, accustomed to such documents, glanced over the ambages, the "whereases," the "aforesaids," the rich exuberance of "admors.," "exors.," and "assigns," till he deftly came to the pith of the matter, and then he began to make extracts, a date here and a date there. John Ball watched him all the time, till the door was opened, and old Mr Slow himself appeared in the room. He stepped across the papers to shake hands with his client, and then shook hands also with Mr Ball, whom he knew. His eye glanced at once down to the box, and after that over towards the pale-faced clerk. Mr Ball perceived that the attorney had joined in his own mind the operation that was going on with these special documents, and the presence of these two special visitors; and that he, in some measure, regretted the coincidence. There was something wrong, and John Ball began to consider whether the old lawyer could be an old scoundrel. Some lawyers, he knew, were desperate scoundrels. He said nothing, however; but, obeying Mr Slow's invitation, followed him and his cousin into the sanctum sanctorum of the chambers. "They didn't tell me you were here at first," said the lawyer, in a tone of vexation, "or I wouldn't have had you shown in there." John Ball thought that this was, doubtless, true, and that very probably they might not have been put in among those papers had Mr Slow known what was being done. "The truth is," continued the lawyer, "the Duke of F----'s man of business was with me, and they did not like to interrupt me." Mr Slow was a grey-haired old man, nearer eighty than seventy, who, with the exception of a fortnight's holiday every year which he always spent at Margate, had attended those same chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields daily for the last sixty years. He was a stout, thickset man, very leisurely in all his motions, who walked slowly, talked slowly, read slowly, wrote slowly, and thought slowly; but who, nevertheless, had the reputation of doing a great deal of business, and doing it very well. He had a partner in the business, almost as old as himself, named Bideawhile; and they who knew them both used to speculate which of the two was the most leisurely. It was, however, generally felt that, though Mr Slow was the slowest in his speech, Mr Bideawhile was the longest in getting anything said. Mr Slow would often beguile his time with unnecessary remarks; but Mr Bideawhile was so constant in beguiling his time, that men wondered how, in truth, he ever did anything at all. Of both of them it may be said that no men stood higher in their profession, and that Mr Ball's suspicions, had they been known in the neighbourhood of Lincoln's Inn, would have been scouted as utterly baseless. And, for the comfort of my readers, let me assure them that they were utterly baseless. There might, perhaps, have been a little vanity about Mr Slow as to the names of his aristocratic clients; but he was an honest, painstaking man, who had ever done his duty well by those who had employed him. Is it not remarkable that the common repute which we all give to attorneys in the general is exactly opposite to that which every man gives to his own attorney in particular? Whom does anybody trust so implicitly as he trusts his own attorney? And yet is it not the case that the body of attorneys is supposed to be the most roguish body in existence? The old man seemed now to be a little fretful, and said something more about his sorrow at their having been sent into that room. "We are so crowded," he said, "that we hardly know how to stir ourselves." Miss Mackenzie said it did not signify in the least. Mr Ball said nothing, but seated himself with his chin again resting on his umbrella. "I was so sorry to see in the papers an account of your brother's death," said Mr Slow. "Yes, Mr Slow; he has gone, and left a wife and very large family." "I hope they are provided for, Miss Mackenzie." "No, indeed; they are not provided for at all. My brother had not been fortunate in business." "And yet he went into it with a large capital,--with a large capital in such a business as that." John Ball, with his chin on the umbrella, said nothing. He said nothing, but he winced as he thought whence the capital had come. And he thought, too, of those much-meaning words: "Jonathan Ball to John Ball, junior--Deed of gift." "He had been unfortunate," said Miss Mackenzie, in an apologetic tone. "And what will you do about your loan?" said Mr Slow, looking over to John Ball when he asked the question, as though inquiring whether all Miss Mackenzie's affairs were to be talked over openly in the presence of that gentleman. "That was a gift," said Miss Mackenzie. "A deed of gift," thought John Ball to himself. "A deed of gift!" "Oh, indeed! Then there's an end of that, I suppose," said Mr Slow. "Exactly so. I have been explaining to my cousin all about it. I hope the firm will be able to pay my sister-in-law the interest on it, but that does not seem sure." "I am afraid I cannot help you there, Miss Mackenzie." "Of course not. I was not thinking of it. But what I've come about is this." Then she told Mr Slow the whole of her project with reference to her fortune; how, on his death-bed, she had promised to give half of all that she had to her brother's wife and family, and how she had come there to him, with her cousin, in order that he might put her in the way of keeping her promise. Mr Slow sat in silence and patiently heard her to the end. She, finding herself thus encouraged to speak, expatiated on the solemnity of her promise, and declared that she could not be comfortable till she had done all that she had undertaken to perform. "And I shall have quite enough for myself afterwards, Mr Slow, quite enough." Mr Slow did not say a word till she had done, and even then he seemed to delay his speech. John Ball never raised his face from his umbrella, but sat looking at the lawyer, whom he still suspected of roguery. And if the lawyer were a rogue, what then about his cousin? It must not be supposed that he suspected her; but what would come of her, if the fortune she held were, in truth, not her own? "I have told my cousin all about it," continued Margaret, "and I believe that he thinks I am doing right. At any rate, I would do nothing without his knowing it." "I think she is giving her sister-in-law too much," said John Ball. "I am only doing what I promised," urged Margaret. "I think that the money which she lent to the firm should, at any rate, be deducted," said John Ball, speaking this with a kind of proviso to himself, that the words so spoken were intended to be taken as having any meaning only on the presumption that that document which he had seen in the other room should turn out to be wholly inoperative and inefficient at the present moment. In answer to these side-questions or corollary points as to the deduction or non-deduction of the loan, Mr Slow answered not a word; but when there was silence between them, he did make answer as to the original proposition. "Miss Mackenzie," he said, "I think you had better postpone doing anything in this matter for the present." "Why postpone it?" said she. "Your brother's death is very recent. It happened not above a fortnight since, I think." "And I want to have this settled at once, so that there shall be no distress. What's the good of waiting?" "Such things want thinking of, Miss Mackenzie." "But I have thought of it. All I want now is to have it done." A slight smile came across the puckered grey face of the lawyer as he felt the imperative nature of the instruction given to him. The lady had come there not to be advised, but to have her work done for her out of hand. But the smile was very melancholy, and soon passed away. "Is the widow in immediate distress?" asked Mr Slow. Now the fact was that Miss Mackenzie herself had been in good funds, having had ready money in her hands from the time of her brother Walter's death; and for the last year she had by no means spent her full income. She had, therefore, given her sister-in-law money, and had paid the small debts which had come in, as such small debts will come in, directly the dead man's body was under ground. Nay, some had come in and had been paid while the man was yet dying. She exclaimed, therefore, that her sister-in-law was not absolutely in immediate want. "And does she keep the house?" asked the lawyer. Then Miss Mackenzie explained that Mrs Tom intended, if possible, to keep the house, and to take some lady in to lodge with her. "Then there cannot be any immediate hurry," urged the lawyer; "and as the sum of money in question is large, I really think the matter should be considered." But Miss Mackenzie still pressed it. She was very anxious to make him understand--and of course he did understand at once--that she had no wish to hurry him in his work. All that she required of him was an assurance that he accepted her instructions, and that the thing should be done with not more than the ordinary amount of legal delay. "You can pay her what you like out of your own income," said the lawyer. "But that is not what I promised," said Margaret Mackenzie. Then there was silence among them all. Mr Ball had said very little since he had been sitting in that room, and now it was not he who broke the silence. He was still thinking of that deed of gift, and wondering whether it had anything to do with Mr Slow's unwillingness to undertake the commission which Margaret wished to give him. At last Mr Slow got up from his chair, and spoke as follows: "Mr Ball, I hope you will excuse me; but I have a word or two to say to Miss Mackenzie, which I had rather say to her alone." "Certainly," said Mr Ball, rising and preparing to go. "You will wait for me, John," said Miss Mackenzie, asking this favour of him as though she were very anxious that he should grant it. Mr Slow said that he might be closeted with Miss Mackenzie for some little time, perhaps for a quarter of an hour or twenty minutes. John Ball looked at his watch, and then at his cousin's face, and then promised that he would wait. Mr Slow himself took him into the outer office, and then handed him a chair; but he observed that he was not allowed to go back into the waiting-room. There he waited for three-quarters of an hour, constantly looking at his watch, and thinking more and more about that deed of gift. Surely it must be the case that the document which he had seen had some reference to this great delay. At last he heard a door open, and a step along a passage, and then another door was opened, and Mr Slow reappeared with Margaret Mackenzie behind him. John Ball's eyes immediately fell on his cousin's face, and he could see that it was very pale. The lawyer's wore that smile which men put on when they wish to cover the disagreeable seriousness of the moment. "Good morning, Miss Mackenzie," said he, pressing his client's hand. "Good morning, sir," said she. The lawyer and Mr Ball then touched each other's hands, and the former followed his cousin down the steps out into the square. CHAPTER XVIII Tribulation When they were once more out in the square, side by side, Miss Mackenzie took hold of her cousin's arm and walked on for a few steps in silence, in the direction of Great Queen Street--that is to say, away from the city, towards which she knew her cousin would go in pursuit of his own business. And indeed the hour was now close at hand in which he should be sitting as a director at the Shadrach Fire Assurance Office. If not at the Shadrach by two, or, with all possible allowance for the shortcoming of a generally punctual director, by a quarter past two, he would be too late for his guinea; and now, as he looked at his watch, it wanted only ten minutes to two. He was very particular about these guineas, and the chambers of the Shadrach were away in Old Broad Street. Nevertheless he walked on with her. "John," she said, when they had walked half the length of that side of the square, "I have heard dreadful news." Then that deed of gift was, after all, a fact; and Mr Slow, instead of being a rogue, must be the honestest old lawyer in London! He must have been at work in discovering the wrong that had been done, and was now about to reveal it to the world. Some such idea as this had glimmered across Mr Ball's mind as he had sat in Mr Slow's outer office, with his chin still resting on his umbrella. But though some such idea as this did cross his mind, his thought on the instant was of his cousin. "What dreadful news, Margaret?" "It is about my money." "Stop a moment, Margaret. Are you sure that you ought to tell it to me?" "If I don't, to whom shall I tell it? And how can I bear it without telling it to some one?" "Did Mr Slow bid you speak of it to me?" "No; he bade me think much of it before I did so, as you are concerned. And he said that you might perhaps be disappointed." Then they walked on again in silence. John Ball found his position to be very difficult, and hardly knew how to speak to her, or how to carry himself. If it was to be that this money was to come back to him; if it was his now in spite of all that had come and gone; if the wrong done was to be righted, and the property wrested from him was to be restored,--restored to him who wanted it so sorely,--how could he not triumph in such an act of tardy restitution? He remembered all the particulars at this moment. Twelve thousand pounds of his uncle Jonathan's money had gone to Walter Mackenzie. The sum once intended for him had been much more than that,--more he believed than double that; but if twelve thousand pounds was now restored to him, how different would it make the whole tenor of his life; Mr Slow said that he might be disappointed; but then Mr Slow was not his lawyer. Did he not owe it to his family immediately to go to his own attorney? Now he thought no more of his guinea at the Shadrach, but walked on by his cousin's side with his mind intently fixed on his uncle's money. She was still leaning on
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How many times the word 'speaking' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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first
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How many times the word 'first' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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were
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How many times the word 'were' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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hulk
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How many times the word 'hulk' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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baby
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How many times the word 'baby' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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elevator
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How many times the word 'elevator' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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stripes
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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champagne
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How many times the word 'champagne' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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mean
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How many times the word 'mean' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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fashioned
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How many times the word 'fashioned' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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snafu
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How many times the word 'snafu' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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throne
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How many times the word 'throne' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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moment
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How many times the word 'moment' appears in the text?
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wouldn't know now, would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No. All this came from that. Points to the energy in his chest plate. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. PEPPER Twelve percent? For my baby? TONY Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you. PEPPER Oooooh. TONY My private elevator... PEPPER You mean OUR elevator? TONY ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I? Pepper pours herself and Tony a glass of champagne. PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower. PEPPER On the lease. TONY ...Call your mom, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten. AGENT PHIL COULSON Stark, we need to talk. Tony picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson. TONY You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. AGENT PHIL COULSON This is urgent. TONY Then leave it urgently. At that moment the elevator door opens and Coulson appears. TONY Security breach. (TO PEPPER) That's on you. AGENT PHIL COULSON Mr. Stark. PEPPER Phil! Come in. TONY Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we're celebrating. TONY Which is why he can't stay. AGENT PHIL COULSON We need you to look this over. (he holds out a file towards STARK) Soon as possible. TONY I don't like being handed things. PEPPER That's alright, `cause I love to be handed things. So, let's trade. She passes her glass of champagne to Coulson and takes the file from him, then takes her champagne glass back from Coulson and passes the file over to Stark. PEPPER Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't a consultation. PEPPER Is this about The Avengers? Which I...I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify. PEPPER I didn't know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I'm volatile, self- obsessed, don't play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT PHIL COULSON This isn't about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever. Miss Potts, got a minute? Pepper walks over to Tony who places the files into his own databases. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. This seems serious, Phil's pretty shaken. TONY How did you notice? Why is he Phil? PEPPER What is all of this? TONY This is, uh... Tony EXPANDS his arms and different profiles appear in holographic form floating in the air in front of Tony and Pepper. TONY This. Screens appear of CAPTAIN AMERICA IN ACTION, the HULK ROARING AS HE ATTACKS THE ARMY AT CULVER UNIVERSITY, THOR FIGHTING THE DESTROYER and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe. PEPPER I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn't? PEPPER If you didn't? TONY Yeah. PEPPER You mean if you finished? (Stark nods his head) Well, um...then... She whispers something in his ear. Tony GASPS. Coulson looks away in embarrassment. TONY Square deal. It's the last date. Pepper kisses him. PEPPER Work hard. As Pepper leaves with Agent Coulson, Tony grabs the Tesseract in holograph form, worried. INT. QUINJET DAY Inside the QUINJET, Steve is sitting down, holding a TABLET, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University. PILOT We're about forty minutes out from base, sir. Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me? AGENT PHIL COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula. The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart. STEVE Didn't really go his way, did it? AGENT PHIL COULSON Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking. Steve looks confused. AGENT PHIL COULSON He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. Steve smiles at Coulson. AGENT PHIL COULSON I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. Steve looks down. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board. STEVE Well, I hope I'm the man for the job. AGENT PHIL COULSON Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned? AGENT PHIL COULSON With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned. Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB DAY Several soldiers under Loki's mind control run around, preparing to infiltrate whatever Loki has planned. Loki sits down, watching Selvig work with a CMS device. Loki meditates, until... EXT. THRONE ROOM NIGHT ...the scepter materializes him back into the throne room of THE OTHER, fully armed in his horned helmet and armor. THE OTHER appears from the steps. THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth? LOKI Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated? LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed! THE OTHER Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don't have the Tesseract yet. THE OTHER runs over to attack him, but stops as Loki points his scepter. LOKI I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. THE OTHER places his hand on Loki's head and transports him back to Earth. Loki looks around, menacing. EXT. HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP DAY The QUINJET lands down a MASSIVE BATTLESHIP known as the HELICARRIER. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Agent Coulson and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha. AGENT PHIL COULSON Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma'am? NATASHA Hi. (TO COULSON) They need you on the bridge. Face time. AGENT PHIL COULSON See you there. Agent Coulson walks away leaving Steve with Natasha, walking towards the railing of the ship. NATASHA There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They're vintage, he's very proud. Without realizing, Banner doesn't notice them walking as he isnervous as hell. He moves around as people keep walking in hisway. STEVE Dr. Banner. Steve walks up to Banner and shakes his hands. BANNER Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER (takes in the sentiment) Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath. Suddenly the HELICARRIER starts SHAKING as it prepares to fly "sail." STEVE Is this is a submarine? BANNER Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container? They both move closer to the edge of the HELICARRIER. FOUR HUGE LIFT FANS MOUNTED ON THE SIDES STARTS TO LIFT INTO THE AIR IN VTOL FLIGHT. Steve watches in AWE as Banner smiles. BANNER OH, NO. THIS IS MUCH WORSE. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE DAY The doors part and we enter THE BRIDGE OF THE SHIP a flurry of activity dozens of agents sit in front of their VIEWSCREENS. Agent Hill shouts her instructs to leave. Turns to NICK FURY, who is at the command chair. AGENT MARIA HILL We're at lock, sir. NICK FURY Good. Let's vanish. EXT. SKY The HELICARRIER rises high into the heavens. Suddenly, the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE CONTINUOUS Steve and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge, taking his position at the SCIENCE CONSOLE. NICK FURY Gentlemen. Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it. NICK FURY Doctor, thank you for coming. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying? NICK FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear. BANNER Where are you with that? Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen. AGENT PHIL COULSON We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. NATASHA That's still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to? NICK FURY How many are there? BANNER Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? NICK FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr.Banner to his laboratory, please. Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. NATASHA You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. INT. UNDERGROUND LAB, VACUUM ROOM DAY Selvig and several scientists work around the CMS device. Bartonwalks in, holding a tablet. SELVIG Put it over there! (TO BARTON) Where did you find all these people? CLINT BARTON SHIELD has not shortage of enemies, Doctor. He holds up a screen showing information on IRIDIUM. CLINT BARTON Is this the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of. CLINT BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn't know! (sees Loki coming) Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth. LOKI I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton? CLINT BARTON My next target. LOKI Tell me what you need. CLINT BARTON I'll need a distraction. (grabs his bow) And an eyeball. INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE NIGHT As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson and Steve stand side by side, waiting. AGENT PHIL COULSON I mean, if it's not too much trouble. STEVE No, no. It's fine. AGENT PHIL COULSON It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but... AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy- nine percent. AGENT PHIL COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding. NICK FURY Captain, you're up. Steve nods. Leaves. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Loki standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st century attire and with the scepter, disguised as a cane, walks up to the entrance of the gala. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Inside, a lavished gala with an orchestra playing, is interrupted as the HEAD DOCTOR walks up to the mic. INT. HELICARRIER, STEVE'S LOCKER NIGHT Steve walks into his own locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated CAPTAIN AMERICA UNIFORM, along with the famous SHIELD. He stands in silence. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Outside the museum, GERMAN GUARDS stand in their positions. One of them is standing on top of the roof, scoping. He then hears a THWACK! He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an ARROW. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his CREW arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner. He pulls out a SHIELD eye scanner instrument. INT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the HEAD DOCTOR is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he FLIPS his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki CLUBS his head in. CHAOS ERUPTS. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures BILCHSTEIM. Loki pulls out an OPTICAL TORTURE DEVICE. He PLUNGES down the doctor's eye. The doctor TWISTS in pain. EXT. STUTTGART MUSEUM NIGHT Suddenly, from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. EXT. STUTTGART GALA NIGHT As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The POLICE arrive and with no hesitation, he BLASTS the cars, FLIPPING them over and over. LOKI Kneel before me. The crowd ignores him. Another LOKI appears, blocking the crowd. Loki after Loki appears, they all grin as they raise their spears, encircling the crowd. LOKI I said. KNEEL!!! Everyone becomes quiet and kneels in front him. Loki embracing his arms out, smiling. LOKI Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an ELDER GERMAN MAN refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. ELDER GERMAN MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki is about to execute him with his scepter as the light GLOWS blue. Just as the ENERGY BEAM shoots out, FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives! He dives in just in time and BLOCKS the blast with his SHIELD, knocking down Loki on his ass. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI (STANDING UP) The soldier. A man out of time. CAPTAIN AMERICA I'm not the one who's out of time. From above Cap, the QUINJET arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki. NATASHA Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Like greased lighting, Loki sends a BLAST of blue at the QUINJET. Natasha MANEUVERS it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both begin to DUKE IT OUT. Loki FLINGS Cap to the ground. Cap then throws his shield, but Loki SWATS it way. Cap, using all the moves of a boxer, is KNOCKED down by Loki. Standing over him, he points the scepter's tip on his helmet. LOKI Kneel. CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today! Cap FLIPS and KNOCKS him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and FLIPS him over. INT. QUINJET NIGHT NATASHA The guy's all over the place. Suddenly, AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives the QUINJET'S speakers. IRON MAN Agent Romanoff, did you miss me? Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his IRON MAN suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. IRON MAN touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. IRON MAN Make your move, Reindeer Games. Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armor materializes away. IRON MAN Good move. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mr. Stark. IRON MAN Captain. INT. QUINJET NIGHT Natasha watches the skies. THUNDER. Coming out of nowhere. Fury speaks over her headset. NICK FURY (V.O.) Said anything? NATASHA Not a word. NICK FURY (V.O.) Just get him here. We're low on time. With Loki tied up and cuffed to his seat, Tony and Steve watch from a distance, whispering. STEVE I don't like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? TONY It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle. Steve looks at Tony, finally meeting his ego match. STEVE Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you. THUNDER and LIGHTNING nearly hit the jet, making it shake violently. NATASHA Where's this coming from? Thunder RUMBLES overhead. Loki stares out the window intently. STEVE What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning? LOKI I'm not overly fond of what follows. What the fuck? OUTSIDE THE JET A BLINDING LIGHT hits the jet. Not a light. A King. THE MIGHTY THOR. Thor OPENS the ramp and grabs Loki by the throat and flies out. Steve and Tony are left dumbstruck. Tony puts the IRON MAN helmet on. IRON MAN Now there's that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA Think the guy's a friendly? IRON MAN Doesn't matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract's lost. Tony turns and gets ready to jump off the jet to chase after Thor. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack! IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack. IRON MAN jumps out of the jet and chases after Thor. Cap grabs a parachute to follow. NATASHA I'd sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don't see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legends, they're basically gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Cap JUMPS OUT of the jet. EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE NIGHT Somewhere out in the European mountains, Thor throws Loki into the side of the mountain. He raises the mighty hammer, MJ LNIR. He looks down at his brother, who he thought to be dead and is angry to see him alive in this fashion. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI (LAUGHS) I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood?! LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops MJ LNIR, causing the mountain to quake. He picks up Loki. His brother. Although Thor is pissed for what he has done, a family is everything to a man or god. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father... LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? Thor lets go Loki, who walks away from Thor, causing an even bigger wedge between them. THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI (TURNS AROUND) I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki. LOKI (LAUGHS) And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not? THOR You think yourself above them. LOKI Well, yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Angrily, Loki shoves his brother to the side. He walks back up to the ledge. Turns around. LOKI I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it... THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. Mj lnir flies back to his grasp. THOR You listen well, brother. I... THOR IS KNOCKED OFF THE MOUNTAIN BY IRON MAN WHO TACKLES HIM IN MID-FLIGHT. LOKI I'm listening. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN CRASH into the forest. Thor rolls himself up. IRON MAN is still standing, but keeps his distance. The helmet opens up. THOR Do not touch me again! TONY Then don't take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you're dealing with. TONY Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice! TONY He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way... tourist. The IRON MAN helmet clamps up and he walks away. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mj lnir, throws it, and KNOCKS IRON MAN clear across into a tree. INSIDE THE SUIT TONY Okay. From the mountain side, Loki watches in amusement. Thor raises his hand. Mj lnir flies back to his hand. Thor SWINGS the hammer, summoning a ray of energy. IRON MAN stands up and from his HAND BOOSTERS, a BLAST of ENERGY KNOCKS the MIGHTY AVENGER on his ass. IRON MAN flies back up and knocks Thor into a tree. Right back at you, bitch! Thor, kneeling on the ground, pulls Mj lnir to his hand, raises it to the skies and pulls in LIGHTING and THUNDER! Thor points the hammer at IRON MAN and the outpouring of bolts lighting increases in intensity. IRON MAN falls back. INSIDE THE SUIT JARVIS Power at 400% capacity. TONY How about that? IRON MAN FIRES AWAY FROM HIS HAND BOOSTERS, pushing Thor to his knees. Like two gunslingers ready to draw, both Thor and IRON MAN fly towards each other and meet in the middle and ascend up. EXT. SKY NIGHT The two battle. IRON MAN grasps THOR, elbowing him and SMASHING him into the side of a mountain. THOR LEAPS off the mountain and takes IRON MAN with him. EXT. FOREST CONTINUOUS THOR and IRON MAN crash right back down, smashing down every tree possible. IRON MAN YANKS Thor right up. Thor grabs both HANDS BOOSTERS and begins to CRUSH them. Tony quickly CHARGES as much energy as he can and SHOOTS ENERGY in Thor's face. Thor FALLS back, losing his stance. IRON MAN HEADBUTTS Thor, with his gold-titanium alloy helmet. Thor... HEADBUTTS him with his fuckin' head and actually sends IRON MAN across the forest. IRON MAN boosters up and flies back at Thor, grabbing him by the arm and cape and SWINGS him into another tree. Thor looks up, ready. Thor runs with all his patience out the window. IRON MAN SWINGS and MISSES, giving Thor the momentum to grab him, lift him and SMASH him down hard. Thor summons back Mj lnir to his hand. Just as he's about to put the hammer down, IRON MAN uses his HAND BOOSTERS to SKID across the ground and trip Thor over. Standing up, Thor looks for him, but from behind him, IRON MAN CRASHES into his back. Thor stands facing IRON MAN. Ready to pounce... CAPTAIN AMERICA'S shield RICOCHETS off both Thor and IRON MAN, stopping them. They look up and see CAPTAIN AMERICA standing on top of a fallen tree with the shield back in hand. CAPTAIN AMERICA Hey! That's enough! (comes down; looks at Thor) Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here. THOR I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes! CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it! Put the hammer down. IRON MAN Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer! THOR BACKHANDS IRON MAN LIKE A PIMP WITH MJ LNIR. Thor, losing all tolerance with this SENTENTIAL OF LIBERTY, raises the hammer. THOR (TO CAP) You want me to put the hammer down? THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FUCKING HAMMER. CAPTAIN AMERICA CROUCHES DOWN and HOLDS UP HIS SHIELD. THOR brings that hammer down onto the shield and a MASSIVE IMPLOSION OF LIGHT reacts to the vibranium shield creating a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE THAT BLOWS UP ANYTHING STANDING WITHIN A MILE. IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy shit.' Lying right next to him is Cap, who never takes his eye off Thor. Thor looks at both men. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN STAND THERE. INT. HELICARRIER HALLWAY NIGHT DOZENS of SHIELD POLICE escort Loki, who is in handcuffs, smiling. As they pass the HELICARRIER LAB, Banner stops working on the CHITAURI SCEPTER and looks up. Loki eyes him as he walks, nodding and smiling. BANNER rubs his head. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION NIGHT Loki is now free from his cuffs and is contained in a LARGE GLASS CELL held by HYDRAULIC RIGS. Fury walks up the control panel of the cell. NICK FURY In case it's unclear. You try to escape. You so much as scratch that glass. Fury presses a button which OPENS UP a HATCH underneath Loki's cell. Loki peers as much as he can from the glass. Without seeing, the sounds of GUSTING WIND would make man shit his pants. Not a god, though. NICK FURY Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?! Fury closes the hatch. Points at Loki. NICK FURY Ant. Then points at the button which would drop Loki into the steel trap. NICK FURY Boot. LOKI (SMIRKING) It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. NICK FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh, I've heard. Loki looks into the camera. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS The others watch on the monitor Loki getting interrogated. Banner looks at the monitor, intently. INT. HELICARRIER DETENTION SECTION CONTINUOUS LOKI The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you, that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you? NICK FURY How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. (MORE) NICK FURY (CONT'D) You talk about peace and you kill `cause it's fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is. NICK FURY (SMILING) Well, you let me know if Real Power wants a magazine or something. Fury walks off leaving Loki in his glass cell. Loki looks back at the camera, smirking. INT. BRIEFING ROOM CONTINUOUS Steve watches until the monitor goes black. Thor, who didn't even look, just listened, stands there, torn apart. They all just stand there in stunned SILENCE. Finally -- BANNER He really grows on you, doesn't he? STEVE Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what's his play? THOR (COMING TOO) He has an army called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE (SERIOUSLY) An army? From outer space? BANNER So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He's an astrophysicist. THOR He's a friend. NATASHA Loki has him under some kind of spell, along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here. BANNER I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He's adopted. BANNER Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for? TONY It's a stabilizing agent. (walks in with Coulson; to COULSON) I'll fly you there. Keep the love alive. Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. TONY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. (referring to the Iridium) Also, it means
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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stones
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How many times the word 'stones' appears in the text?
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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How many times the word 'instinct' appears in the text?
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yo
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How many times the word 'yo' appears in the text?
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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roxy
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How many times the word 'roxy' appears in the text?
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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How many times the word 'indian' appears in the text?
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yes, if I had wanted to. But now--dear me, I've had a scare this time, and I'll take no more chances. Not a single chance more. Land! I persuaded myself this evening that I could fetch him around without any great amount of effort, but I've been getting more and more heavyhearted and doubtful straight along, ever since. If he tells me about this thing, all right; but if he doesn't, I sha'n't let on. I--well, I'd like to tell Pudd'nhead Wilson, but--no, I'll think about that; perhaps I won't." He whirled off another dead huzzah, and said, "I'm reformed, and this time I'll stay so, sure!" He was about to close with a final grand silent demonstration, when he suddenly recollected that Wilson had put it out of his power to pawn or sell the Indian knife, and that he was once more in awful peril of exposure by his creditors for that reason. His joy collapsed utterly, and he turned away and moped toward the door moaning and lamenting over the bitterness of his luck. He dragged himself upstairs, and brooded in his room a long time, disconsolate and forlorn, with Luigi's Indian knife for a text. At last he sighed and said: "When I supposed these stones were glass and this ivory bone, the thing hadn't any interest for me because it hadn't any value, and couldn't help me out of my trouble. But now--why, now it is full of interest; yes, and of a sort to break a body's heart. It's a bag of gold that has turned to dirt and ashes in my hands. It could save me, and save me so easily, and yet I've got to go to ruin. It's like drowning with a life preserver in my reach. All the hard luck comes to me, and all the good luck goes to other people--Pudd'nhead Wilson, for instance; even his career has got a sort of a little start at last, and what has he done to deserve it, I should like to know? Yes, he has opened his own road, but he isn't content with that, but must block mine. It's a sordid, selfish world, and I wish I was out of it." He allowed the light of the candle to play upon the jewels of the sheath, but the flashings and sparklings had no charm for his eye; they were only just so many pangs to his heart. "I must not say anything to Roxy about this thing," he said. "She is too daring. She would be for digging these stones out and selling them, and then--why, she would be arrested and the stones traced, and then--" The thought made him quake, and he hid the knife away, trembling all over and glancing furtively about, like a criminal who fancies that the accuser is already at hand. Should he try to sleep? Oh, no, sleep was not for him; his trouble was too haunting, too afflicting for that. He must have somebody to mourn with. He would carry his despair to Roxy. He had heard several distant gunshots, but that sort of thing was not uncommon, and they had made no impression upon him. He went out at the back door, and turned westward. He passed Wilson's house and proceeded along the lane, and presently saw several figures approaching Wilson's place through the vacant lots. These were the duelists returning from the fight; he thought he recognized them, but as he had no desire for white people's company, he stooped down behind the fence until they were out of his way. Roxy was feeling fine. She said: "Whah was you, child? Warn't you in it?" "In what?" "In de duel." "Duel? Has there been a duel?" "Co'se dey has. De ole Jedge has be'n havin' a duel wid one o' dem twins." "Great Scott!" Then he added to himself: "That's what made him remake the will; he thought he might get killed, and it softened him toward me. And that's what he and Howard were so busy about. . . . Oh dear, if the twin had only killed him, I should be out of my--" "What is you mumblin' 'bout, Chambers? Whah was you? Didn't you know dey was gwine to be a duel?" "No, I didn't. The old man tried to get me to fight one with Count Luigi, but he didn't succeed, so I reckon he concluded to patch up the family honor himself." He laughed at the idea, and went rambling on with a detailed account of his talk with the judge, and how shocked and ashamed the judge was to find that he had a coward in his family. He glanced up at last, and got a shock himself. Roxana's bosom was heaving with suppressed passion, and she was glowering down upon him with measureless contempt written in her face. "En you refuse' to fight a man dat kicked you, 'stid o' jumpin' at de chance! En you ain't got no mo' feelin' den to come en tell me, dat fetched sich a po' lowdown ornery rabbit into de worl'! Pah! it make me sick! It's de nigger in you, dat's what it is. Thirty-one parts o' you is white, en on'y one part nigger, en dat po' little one part is yo' _soul_. 'Tain't wuth savin'; 'tain't wuth totin' out on a shovel en throwin' en de gutter. You has disgraced yo' birth. What would yo' pa think o' you? It's enough to make him turn in his grave." The last three sentences stung Tom into a fury, and he said to himself that if his father were only alive and in reach of assassination his mother would soon find that he had a very clear notion of the size of his indebtedness to that man, and was willing to pay it up in full, and would do it too, even at risk of his life; but he kept this thought to himself; that was safest in his mother's present state. "Whatever has come o' yo' Essex blood? Dat's what I can't understan'. En it ain't on'y jist Essex blood dat's in you, not by a long sight--'deed it ain't! My great-great-great-gran'father en yo' great-great-great-great-gran'father was Ole Cap'n John Smith, de highest blood dat Ole Virginny ever turned out, en _his_ great-great-gran'mother, or somers along back dah, was Pocahontas de Injun queen, en her husbun' was a nigger king outen Africa--en yit here you is, a slinkin' outen a duel en disgracin' our whole line like a ornery lowdown hound! Yes, it's de nigger in you!" She sat down on her candle box and fell into a reverie. Tom did not disturb her; he sometimes lacked prudence, but it was not in circumstances of this kind, Roxana's storm went gradually down, but it died hard, and even when it seemed to be quite gone, it would now and then break out in a distant rumble, so to speak, in the form of muttered ejaculations. One of these was, "Ain't nigger enough in him to show in his fingernails, en dat takes mighty little--yit dey's enough to pain his soul." Presently she muttered. "Yassir, enough to paint a whole thimbleful of 'em." At last her ramblings ceased altogether, and her countenance began to clear--a welcome sight to Tom, who had learned her moods, and knew she was on the threshold of good humor now. He noticed that from time to time she unconsciously carried her finger to the end of her nose. He looked closer and said: "Why, Mammy, the end of your nose is skinned. How did that come?" She sent out the sort of wholehearted peal of laughter which God had vouchsafed in its perfection to none but the happy angels in heaven and the bruised and broken black slave on the earth, and said: "Dad fetch dat duel, I be'n in it myself." "Gracious! did a bullet do that?" "Yassir, you bet it did!" "Well, I declare! Why, how did that happen?" "Happened dis-away. I 'uz a-sett'n' here kinder dozin' in de dark, en _che-bang!_ goes a gun, right out dah. I skips along out towards t'other end o' de house to see what's gwine on, en stops by de ole winder on de side towards Pudd'nhead Wilson's house dat ain't got no sash in it--but dey ain't none of 'em got any sashes, for as dat's concerned--en I stood dah in de dark en look out, en dar in the moonlight, right down under me 'uz one o' de twins a-cussin'--not much, but jist a-cussin' soft--it 'uz de brown one dat 'uz cussin,' 'ca'se he 'uz hit in de shoulder. En Doctor Claypool he 'uz a-workin' at him, en Pudd'nhead Wilson he 'uz a-he'pin', en ole Jedge Driscoll en Pem Howard 'uz a-standin' out yonder a little piece waitin' for 'em to get ready agin. En treckly dey squared off en give de word, en _bang-bang_ went de pistols, en de twin he say, 'Ouch!'--hit him on de han' dis time--en I hear dat same bullet go _spat!_ ag'in de logs under de winder; en de nex' time dey shoot, de twin say, 'Ouch!' ag'in, en I done it too, 'ca'se de bullet glance' on his cheekbone en skip up here en glance' on de side o' de winder en whiz right acrost my face en tuck de hide off'n my nose--why, if I'd 'a' be'n jist a inch or a inch en a half furder 't would 'a' tuck de whole nose en disfiggered me. Here's de bullet; I hunted her up." "Did you stand there all the time?" "Dat's a question to ask, ain't it! What else would I do? Does I git a chance to see a duel every day?" "Why, you were right in range! Weren't you afraid?" The woman gave a sniff of scorn. "'Fraid! De Smith-Pocahontases ain't 'fraid o' nothin', let alone bullets." "They've got pluck enough, I suppose; what they lack is judgment. _I_ wouldn't have stood there." "Nobody's accusin' you!" "Did anybody else get hurt?" "Yes, we all got hit 'cep' de blon' twin en de doctor en de seconds. De Jedge didn't git hurt, but I hear Pudd'nhead say de bullet snip some o' his ha'r off." "'George!" said Tom to himself, "to come so near being out of my trouble, and miss it by an inch. Oh dear, dear, he will live to find me out and sell me to some nigger trader yet--yes, and he would do it in a minute." Then he said aloud, in a grave tone: "Mother, we are in an awful fix." Roxana caught her breath with a spasm, and said: "Chile! What you hit a body so sudden for, like dat? What's be'n en gone en happen'?" "Well, there's one thing I didn't tell you. When I wouldn't fight, he tore up the will again, and--" Roxana's face turned a dead white, and she said: "Now you's _done!_--done forever! Dat's de end. Bofe un us is gwine to starve to--" "Wait and hear me through, can't you! I reckon that when he resolved to fight, himself, he thought he might get killed and not have a chance to forgive me any more in this life, so he made the will again, and I've seen it, and it's all right. But--" "Oh, thank goodness, den we's safe ag'in!--safe! en so what did you want to come here en talk sich dreadful--" "Hold ON, I tell you, and let me finish. The swag I gathered won't half square me up, and the first thing we know, my creditors--well, you know what'll happen." Roxana dropped her chin, and told her son to leave her alone--she must think this matter out. Presently she said impressively: "You got to go mighty keerful now, I tell you! En here's what you got to do. He didn't git killed, en if you gives him de least reason, he'll bust de will ag'in, en dat's de _las'_ time, now you hear me! So--you's got to show him what you kin do in de nex' few days. You got to be pison good, en let him see it; you got to do everything dat'll make him b'lieve in you, en you got to sweeten aroun' ole Aunt Pratt, too--she's pow'ful strong with de Jedge, en de bes' frien' you got. Nex', you'll go 'long away to Sent Louis, en dat'll _keep_ him in yo' favor. Den you go en make a bargain wid dem people. You tell 'em he ain't gwine to live long--en dat's de fac', too--en tell 'em you'll pay 'em intrust, en big intrust, too--ten per--what you call it?" "Ten percent a month?" "Dat's it. Den you take and sell yo' truck aroun', a little at a time, en pay de intrust. How long will it las'?" "I think there's enough to pay the interest five or six months." "Den you's all right. If he don't die in six months, dat don't make no diff'rence--Providence'll provide. You's gwine to be safe--if you behaves." She bent an austere eye on him and added, "En you IS gwine to behave--does you know dat?" He laughed and said he was going to try, anyway. She did not unbend. She said gravely: "Tryin' ain't de thing. You's gwine to _do_ it. You ain't gwine to steal a pin--'ca'se it ain't safe no mo'; en you ain't gwine into no bad comp'ny--not even once, you understand; en you ain't gwine to drink a drop--nary a single drop; en you ain't gwine to gamble one single gamble--not one! Dis ain't what you's gwine to try to do, it's what you's gwine to DO. En I'll tell you how I knows it. Dis is how. I's gwine to foller along to Sent Louis my own self; en you's gwine to come to me every day o' your life, en I'll look you over; en if you fails in one single one o' dem things--jist _one_--I take my oath I'll come straight down to dis town en tell de Jedge you's a nigger en a slave--en _prove_ it!" She paused to let her words sink home. Then she added, "Chambers, does you b'lieve me when I says dat?" Tom was sober enough now. There was no levity in his voice when he answered: "Yes, Mother, I know, now, that I am reformed--and permanently. Permanently--and beyond the reach of any human temptation." "Den g'long home en begin!" CHAPTER 15 -- The Robber Robbed _Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits._ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar _Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET!"_ --Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar What a time of it Dawson's Landing was having! All its life it had been asleep, but now it hardly got a chance for a nod, so swiftly did big events and crashing surprises come along in one another's wake: Friday morning, first glimpse of Real Nobility, also grand reception at Aunt Patsy Cooper's, also great robber raid; Friday evening, dramatic kicking of the heir of the chief citizen in presence of four hundred people; Saturday morning, emergence as practicing lawyer of the long-submerged Pudd'nhead Wilson; Saturday night, duel between chief citizen and titled stranger. The people took more pride in the duel than in all the other events put together, perhaps. It was a glory to their town to have such a thing happen there. In their eyes the principals had reached the summit of human honor. Everybody paid homage to their names; their praises were in all mouths. Even the duelists' subordinates came in for a handsome share of the public approbation: wherefore Pudd'nhead Wilson was suddenly become a man of consequence. When asked to run for the mayoralty Saturday night, he was risking defeat, but Sunday morning found him a made man and his success assured. The twins were prodigiously great now; the town took them to its bosom with enthusiasm. Day after day, and night after night, they went dining and visiting from house to house, making friends, enlarging and solidifying their popularity, and charming and surprising all with their musical prodigies, and now and then heightening the effects with samples of what they could do in other directions, out of their stock of rare and curious accomplishments. They were so pleased that they gave the regulation thirty days' notice, the required preparation for citizenship, and resolved to finish their days in this pleasant place. That was the climax. The delighted community rose as one man and applauded; and when the twins were asked to stand for seats in the forthcoming aldermanic board, and consented, the public contentment was rounded and complete. Tom Driscoll was not happy over these things; they sunk deep, and hurt all the way down. He hated the one twin for kicking him, and the other one for being the kicker's brother. Now and then the people wondered why nothing was heard of the raider, or of the stolen knife or the other plunder, but nobody was able to throw any light on that matter. Nearly a week had drifted by, and still the thing remained a vexed mystery. On Sunday Constable Blake and Pudd'nhead Wilson met on the street, and Tom Driscoll joined them in time to open their conversation for them. He said to Blake: "You are not looking well, Blake; you seem to be annoyed about something. Has anything gone wrong in the detective business? I believe you fairly and justifiably claim to have a pretty good reputation in that line, isn't it so?"--which made Blake feel good, and look it; but Tom added, "for a country detective"--which made Blake feel the other way, and not only look it, but betray it in his voice. "Yes, sir, I _have_ got a reputation; and it's as good as anybody's in the profession, too, country or no country." "Oh, I beg pardon; I didn't mean any offense. What I started out to ask was only about the old woman that raided the town--the stoop-shouldered old woman, you know, that you said you were going to catch; and I knew you would, too, because you have the reputation of never boasting, and--well, you--you've caught the old woman?" "Damn the old woman!" "Why, sho! you don't mean to say you haven't caught her?" "No, I haven't caught her. If anybody could have caught her, I could; but nobody couldn't, I don't care who he is." "I am sorry, real sorry--for your sake; because, when it gets around that a detective has expressed himself confidently, and then--" "Don't you worry, that's all--don't you worry; and as for the town, the town needn't worry either. She's my meat--make yourself easy about that. I'm on her track; I've got clues that--" "That's good! Now if you could get an old veteran detective down from St. Louis to help you find out what the clues mean, and where they lead to, and then--" "I'm plenty veteran enough myself, and I don't need anybody's help. I'll have her inside of a we--inside of a month. That I'll swear to!" Tom said carelessly: "I suppose that will answer--yes, that will answer. But I reckon she is pretty old, and old people don't often outlive the cautious pace of the professional detective when he has got his clues together and is out on his still-hunt." Blake's dull face flushed under this gibe, but before he could set his retort in order Tom had turned to Wilson, and was saying, with placid indifference of manner and voice: "Who got the reward, Pudd'nhead?" Wilson winced slightly, and saw that his own turn was come. "What reward?" "Why, the reward for the thief, and the other one for the knife." Wilson answered--and rather uncomfortably, to judge by his hesitating fashion of delivering himself: "Well, the--well, in face, nobody has claimed it yet." Tom seemed surprised. "Why, is that so?" Wilson showed a trifle of irritation when he replied: "Yes, it's so. And what of it?" "Oh, nothing. Only I thought you had struck out a new idea, and invented a scheme that was going to revolutionize the timeworn and ineffectual methods of the--" He stopped, and turned to Blake, who was happy now that another had taken his place on the gridiron. "Blake, didn't you understand him to intimate that it wouldn't be necessary for you to hunt the old woman down?" "'B'George, he said he'd have thief and swag both inside of three days --he did, by hokey! and that's just about a week ago. Why, I said at the time that no thief and no thief's pal was going to try to pawn or sell a thing where he knowed the pawnbroker could get both rewards by taking HIM into camp _with_ the swag. It was the blessedest idea that ever I struck!" "You'd change your mind," said Wilson, with irritated bluntness, "if you knew the entire scheme instead of only part of it." "Well," said the constable, pensively, "I had the idea that it wouldn't work, and up to now I'm right anyway." "Very well, then, let it stand at that, and give it a further show. It has worked at least as well as your own methods, you perceive." The constable hadn't anything handy to hit back with, so he discharged a discontented sniff, and said nothing. After the night that Wilson had partly revealed his scheme at his house, Tom had tried for several days to guess out the secret of the rest of it, but had failed. Then it occurred to him to give Roxana's smarter head a chance at it. He made up a supposititious case, and laid it before her. She thought it over, and delivered her verdict upon it. Tom said to himself, "She's hit it, sure!" He thought he would test that verdict now, and watch Wilson's face; so he said reflectively: "Wilson, you're not a fool--a fact of recent discovery. Whatever your scheme was, it had sense in it, Blake's opinion to the contrary notwithstanding. I don't ask you to reveal it, but I will suppose a case--a case which you will answer as a starting point for the real thing I am going to come at, and that's all I want. You offered five hundred dollars for the knife, and five hundred for the thief. We will suppose, for argument's sake, that the first reward is _advertised_ and the second offered by _private letter_ to pawnbrokers and--" Blake slapped his thigh, and cried out: "By Jackson, he's got you, Pudd'nhead! Now why couldn't I or _any_ fool have thought of that?" Wilson said to himself, "Anybody with a reasonably good head would have thought of it. I am not surprised that Blake didn't detect it; I am only surprised that Tom did. There is more to him than I supposed." He said nothing aloud, and Tom went on: "Very well. The thief would not suspect that there was a trap, and he would bring or send the knife, and say he bought it for a song, or found it in the road, or something like that, and try to collect the reward, and be arrested--wouldn't he?" "Yes," said Wilson. "I think so," said Tom. "There can't be any doubt of it. Have you ever seen that knife?" "No." "Has any friend of yours?" "Not that I know of." "Well, I begin to think I understand why your scheme failed." "What do you mean, Tom? What are you driving at?" asked Wilson, with a dawning sense of discomfort. "Why, that there _isn't_ any such knife." "Look here, Wilson," said Blake, "Tom Driscoll's right, for a thousand dollars--if I had it." Wilson's blood warmed a little, and he wondered if he had been played upon by those strangers; it certainly had something of that look. But what could they gain by it? He threw out that suggestion. Tom replied: "Gain? Oh, nothing that you would value, maybe. But they are strangers making their way in a new community. Is it nothing to them to appear as pets of an Oriental prince--at no expense? Is it nothing to them to be able to dazzle this poor town with thousand-dollar rewards--at no expense? Wilson, there isn't any such knife, or your scheme would have fetched it to light. Or if there is any such knife, they've got it yet. I believe, myself, that they've seen such a knife, for Angelo pictured it out with his pencil too swiftly and handily for him to have been inventing it, and of course I can't swear that they've never had it; but this I'll go bail for--if they had it when they came to this town, they've got it yet." Blake said: "It looks mighty reasonable, the way Tom puts it; it most certainly does." Tom responded, turning to leave: "You find the old woman, Blake, and if she can't furnish the knife, go and search the twins!" Tom sauntered away. Wilson felt a good deal depressed. He hardly knew what to think. He was loath to withdraw his faith from the twins, and was resolved not to do it on the present indecisive evidence; but--well, he would think, and then decide how to act. "Blake, what do you think of this matter?" "Well, Pudd'nhead, I'm bound to say I put it up the way Tom does. They hadn't the knife; or if they had it, they've got it yet." The men parted. Wilson said to himself: "I believe they had it; if it had been stolen, the scheme would have restored it, that is certain. And so I believe they've got it." Tom had no purpose in his mind when he encountered those two men. When he began his talk he hoped to be able to gall them a little and get a trifle of malicious entertainment out of it. But when he left, he left in great spirits, for he perceived that just by pure luck and no troublesome labor he had accomplished several delightful things: he had touched both men on a raw spot and seen them squirm; he had modified Wilson's sweetness for the twins with one small bitter taste that he wouldn't be able to get out of his mouth right away; and, best of all, he had taken the hated twins down a peg with the community; for Blake would gossip around freely, after the manner of detectives, and within a week the town would be laughing at them in its sleeve for offering a gaudy reward for a bauble which they either never possessed or hadn't lost. Tom was very well satisfied with himself. Tom's behavior at home had been perfect during the entire week. His uncle and aunt had seen nothing like it before. They could find no fault with him anywhere. Saturday evening he said to the Judge: "I've had something preying on my mind, uncle, and as I am going away, and might never see you again, I can't bear it any longer. I made you believe I was afraid to fight that Italian adventurer. I had to get out of it on some pretext or other, and maybe I chose badly, being taken unawares, but no honorable person could consent to meet him in the field, knowing what I knew about him." "Indeed? What was that?" "Count Luigi is a confessed assassin." "Incredible." "It's perfectly true. Wilson detected it in his hand, by palmistry, and charged him with it, and cornered him up so close that he had to confess; but both twins begged us on their knees to keep the secret, and swore they would lead straight lives here; and it was all so pitiful that we gave our word of honor never to expose them while they kept the promise. You would have done it yourself, uncle." "You are right, my boy; I would. A man's secret is still his own property, and sacred, when it has been surprised out of him like that. You did well, and I am proud of you." Then he added mournfully, "But I wish I could have been saved the shame of meeting an assassin on the field of honor." "It couldn't be helped, uncle. If I had known you were going to challenge him, I should have felt obliged to sacrifice my pledged word in order to stop it, but Wilson couldn't be expected to do otherwise than keep silent." "Oh, no, Wilson did right, and is in no way to blame. Tom, Tom, you have lifted a heavy load from my heart; I was stung to the very soul when I seemed to have discovered that I had a coward in my family." "You may imagine what it cost ME to assume such a part, uncle." "Oh, I know it, poor boy, I know it. And I can understand how much it has cost you to remain under that unjust stigma to this time. But it is all right now, and no harm is done. You have restored my comfort of mind, and with it your own; and both of us had suffered enough." The old man sat awhile plunged in thought; then he looked up with a satisfied light in his eye, and said: "That this assassin should have put the affront upon me of letting me meet him on the field of honor as if he were a gentleman is a matter which I will presently settle--but not now. I will not shoot him until after election. I see a way to ruin them both before; I will attend to that first. Neither of them shall be elected, that I promise. You are sure that the fact that he is an assassin has not got abroad?" "Perfectly certain
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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How many times the word 'necessary' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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How many times the word 'alive' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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How many times the word 'mingle' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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concealed
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How many times the word 'concealed' appears in the text?
| 1 |
you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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persons
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How many times the word 'persons' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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energy
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How many times the word 'energy' appears in the text?
| 3 |
you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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removed
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How many times the word 'removed' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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promptings
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How many times the word 'promptings' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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pass
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How many times the word 'pass' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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enemies
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How many times the word 'enemies' appears in the text?
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you can conceive that if these disturbances could be removed, matter or force would be resolved back into pure energy, and would vanish. Such a dissociation is an ethereal existence, and as pure energy the life spirit of all material things is neither cold nor hot, heavy nor light, solid, liquid nor gaseous--men can not, as mortals now exist, see, feel, smell, taste, or even conceive of it. It moves through space as we do through it, a world of itself as transparent to matter as matter is to it, insensible but ever present, a reality to higher existences that rest in other planes, but not to us an essence subject to scientific test, nor an entity. Of these problems and their connection with others in the unseen depths beyond, you are not yet in a position properly to judge, but before many years a new sense will be given you or a development of latent senses by the removal of those more gross, and a partial insight into an unsuspected unseen, into a realm to you at present unknown. "It has been ordained that a select few must from time to time pass over the threshold that divides a mortal's present life from the future, and your lot has been cast among the favored ones. It is or should be deemed a privilege to be permitted to pass farther than human philosophy has yet gone, into an investigation of the problems of life; this I say to encourage you. We have in our order a handful of persons who have received the accumulated fruits of the close attention others have given to these subjects which have been handed to them by the generations of men who have preceded. You are destined to become as they are. This study of semi-occult forces has enabled those selected for the work to master some of the concealed truths of being, and by the partial development of a new sense or new senses, partly to triumph over death. These facts are hidden from ordinary man, and from the earth-bound workers of our brotherhood, who can not even interpret the words they learn. The methods by which they are elucidated have been locked from man because the world is not prepared to receive them, selfishness being the ruling passion of debased mankind, and publicity, until the chain of evidence is more complete, would embarrass their further evolutions, for man as yet lives on the selfish plane." "Do you mean that, among men, there are a few persons possessed of powers such as you have mentioned?" "Yes; they move here and there through all orders of society, and their attainments are unknown, except to one another, or, at most, to but few persons. These adepts are scientific men, and may not even be recognized as members of our organization; indeed it is often necessary, for obvious reasons, that they should not be known as such. These studies must constantly be prosecuted in various directions, and some monitors must teach others to perform certain duties that are necessary to the grand evolution. Hence, when a man has become one of our brotherhood, from the promptings that made you one of us, and has been as ready and determined to instruct outsiders in our work as you have been, it is proper that he should in turn be compelled to serve our people, and eventually, mankind." "Am I to infer from this," I exclaimed, a sudden light breaking upon me, "that the alchemistic manuscript that led me to the fraternity to which you are related may have been artfully designed to serve the interest of that organization?" To this question I received no reply. After an interval, I again sought information concerning the order, and with more success. "I understand that you propose that I shall go on a journey of investigation for the good of our order and also of humanity." "True; it is necessary that our discoveries be kept alive, and it is essential that the men who do this work accept the trust of their own accord. He who will not consent to add to the common stock of knowledge and understanding, must be deemed a drone in the hive of nature--but few persons, however, are called upon to serve as you must serve. Men are scattered over the world with this object in view, and are unknown to their families or even to other members of the order; they hold in solemn trust our sacred revelations, and impart them to others as is ordained, and thus nothing perishes; eventually humanity will profit. "Others, as you soon will be doing, are now exploring assigned sections of this illimitable field, accumulating further knowledge, and they will report results to those whose duty it is to retain and formulate the collected sum of facts and principles. So it is that, unknown to the great body of our brotherhood, a chosen number, under our esoteric teachings, are gradually passing the dividing line that separates life from death, matter from spirit, for we have members who have mastered these problems. We ask, however, no aid of evil forces or of necromancy or black art, and your study of alchemy was of no avail, although to save the vital truths alchemy is a part of our work. We proceed in exact accordance with natural laws, which will yet be known to all men. Sorrow, suffering, pain of all descriptions, are enemies to the members of our order, as they are to mankind broadly, and we hope in the future so to control the now hidden secrets of Nature as to be able to govern the antagonistic disturbances in energy with which man now is everywhere thwarted, to subdue the physical enemies of the race, to affiliate religious and scientific thought, cultivating brotherly love, the foundation and capstone, the cement and union of this ancient fraternity." "And am I really to take an important part in this scheme? Have I been set apart to explore a section of the unknown for a bit of hidden knowledge, and to return again?" "This I will say," he answered, evading a direct reply, "you have been selected for a part that one in a thousand has been required to undertake. You are to pass into a field that will carry you beyond the present limits of human observation. This much I have been instructed to impart to you in order to nerve you for your duty. I seem to be a young man; really I am aged. You seem to be infirm and old, but you are young. Many years ago, cycles ago as men record time, I was promoted to do a certain work because of my zealous nature; like you, I also had to do penance for an error. I disappeared, as you are destined to do, from the sight of men. I regained my youth; yours has been lost forever, but you will regain more than your former strength. We shall both exist after this generation of men has passed away, and shall mingle with generations yet to be born, for we shall learn how to restore our youthful vigor, and will supply it time and again to earthly matter. Rest assured also that the object of our labors is of the most laudable nature, and we must be upheld under all difficulties by the fact that multitudes of men who are yet to come will be benefited thereby." CHAPTER XI. MY JOURNEY CONTINUES.--INSTINCT. It is unnecessary for me to give the details of the first part of my long journey. My companion was guided by a perceptive faculty that, like the compass, enabled him to keep in the proper course. He did not question those whom we met, and made no endeavor to maintain a given direction; and yet he was traveling in a part of the country that was new to himself. I marveled at the accuracy of his intuitive perception, for he seemed never to be at fault. When the road forked, he turned to the right or the left in a perfectly careless manner, but the continuity of his course was never interrupted. I began mentally to question whether he could be guiding us aright, forgetting that he was reading my thoughts, and he answered: "There is nothing strange in this self-directive faculty. Is not man capable of following where animals lead? One of the objects of my special study has been to ascertain the nature of the instinct-power of animals, the sagacity of brutes. The carrier pigeon will fly to its cote across hundreds of miles of strange country. The young pig will often return to its pen by a route unknown to it; the sluggish tortoise will find its home without a guide, without seeing a familiar object; cats, horses and other animals possess this power, which is not an unexplainable instinct, but a natural sense better developed in some of the lower creatures than it is in man. The power lies dormant in man, but exists, nevertheless. If we develop one faculty we lose acuteness in some other power. Men have lost in mental development in this particular direction while seeking to gain in others. If there were no record of the fact that light brings objects to the recognition of the mind through the agency of the eye, the sense of sight in an animal would be considered by men devoid of it as adaptability to extraordinary circumstances, or instinct. So it is that animals often see clearly where to the sense of man there is only darkness; such sight is not irresponsive action without consciousness of a purpose. Man is not very magnanimous. Instead of giving credit to the lower animals for superior perception in many directions, he denies to them the conscious possession of powers imperfectly developed in mankind. We egotistically aim to raise ourselves, and do so in our own estimation by clothing the actions of the lower animals in a garment of irresponsibility. Because we can not understand the inwardness of their power, we assert that they act by the influence of instinct. The term instinct, as I would define it, is an expression applied by men to a series of senses which man possesses, but has not developed. The word is used by man to characterize the mental superiority of other animals in certain directions where his own senses are defective. Instead of crediting animals with these, to them, invaluable faculties, man conceitedly says they are involuntary actions. Ignorant of their mental status, man is too arrogant to admit that lower animals are superior to him in any way. But we are not consistent. Is it not true that in the direction in which you question my power, some men by cultivation often become expert beyond their fellows? and such men have also given very little systematic study to subjects connected with these undeniable mental qualities. The hunter will hold his course in utter darkness, passing inequalities in the ground, and avoiding obstructions he can not see. The fact of his superiority in this way, over others, is not questioned, although he can not explain his methods nor understand how he operates. His quickened sense is often as much entitled to be called instinct as is the divining power of the carrier pigeon. If scholars would cease to devote their entire energies to the development of the material, artistic, or scientific part of modern civilization, and turn their attention to other forms of mental culture, many beauties and powers of Nature now unknown would be revealed. However, this can not be, for under existing conditions, the strife for food and warmth is the most important struggle that engages mankind, and controls our actions. In a time that is surely to come, however, when the knowledge of all men is united into a comprehensive whole, the book of life, illuminated thereby, will contain many beautiful pages that may be easily read, but which are now not suspected to exist. The power of the magnet is not uniform--engineers know that the needle of the compass inexplicably deviates from time to time as a line is run over the earth's surface, but they also know that aberrations of the needle finally correct themselves. The temporary variations of a few degrees that occur in the running of a compass line are usually overcome after a time, and without a change of course, the disturbed needle swerves back, and again points to the calculated direction, as is shown by the vernier. Should I err in my course, it would be by a trifle only, and we could not go far astray before I would unconsciously discover the true path. I carry my magnet in my mind." Many such dissertations or explanations concerning related questions were subsequently made in what I then considered a very impressive, though always unsatisfactory, manner. I recall those episodes now, after other more remarkable experiences which are yet to be related, and record them briefly with little wonderment, because I have gone through adventures which demonstrate that there is nothing improbable in the statements, and I will not consume time with further details of this part of my journey. We leisurely traversed State after State, crossed rivers, mountains and seemingly interminable forests. The ultimate object of our travels, a location in Kentucky, I afterward learned, led my companion to guide me by a roundabout course to Wheeling, Virginia, by the usual mountain roads of that day, instead of going, as he might perhaps have much more easily done, via Buffalo and the Lake Shore to Northern Ohio, and then southerly across the country. He said in explanation, that the time lost at the beginning of our journey by this route, was more than recompensed by the ease of the subsequent Ohio River trip. Upon reaching Wheeling, he disposed of the team, and we embarked on a keel boat, and journeyed down the Ohio to Cincinnati. The river was falling when we started, and became very low before Cincinnati was reached, too low for steamers, and our trip in that flat-bottomed boat, on the sluggish current of the tortuous stream, proved tedious and slow. Arriving at Cincinnati, my guide decided to wait for a rise in the river, designing then to complete our journey on a steamboat. I spent several days in Cincinnati quite pleasantly, expecting to continue our course on the steamer "Tecumseh," then in port, and ready for departure. At the last moment my guide changed his mind, and instead of embarking on that boat, we took passage on the steamer "George Washington," leaving Shipping-Port Wednesday, December 13, 1826. During that entire journey, from the commencement to our final destination, my guide paid all the bills, and did not want either for money or attention from the people with whom we came in contact. He seemed everywhere a stranger, and yet was possessed of a talisman that opened every door to which he applied, and which gave us unlimited accommodations wherever he asked them. When the boat landed at Smithland, Kentucky, a village on the bank of the Ohio, just above Paducah, we disembarked, and my guide then for the first time seemed mentally disturbed. "Our journey together is nearly over," he said; "in a few days my responsibility for you will cease. Nerve yourself for the future, and bear its trials and its pleasures manfully. I may never see you again, but as you are even now conspicuous in our history, and will be closely connected with the development of the plan in which I am also interested, although I am destined to take a different part, I shall probably hear of you again." CHAPTER XII. A CAVERN DISCOVERED.--BISWELL'S HILL. We stopped that night at a tavern in Smithland. Leaving this place after dinner the next day, on foot, we struck through the country, into the bottom lands of the Cumberland River, traveling leisurely, lingering for hours in the course of a circuitous tramp of only a few miles. Although it was the month of December, the climate was mild and balmy. In my former home, a similar time of year would have been marked with snow, sleet, and ice, and I could not but draw a contrast between the two localities. How different also the scenery from that of my native State. Great timber trees, oak, poplar, hickory, were in majestic possession of large tracts of territory, in the solitude of which man, so far as evidences of his presence were concerned, had never before trodden. From time to time we passed little clearings that probably were to be enlarged to thrifty plantations in the future, and finally we crossed the Cumberland River. That night we rested with Mr. Joseph Watts, a wealthy and cultured land owner, who resided on the river's bank. After leaving his home the next morning, we journeyed slowly, very slowly, my guide seemingly passing with reluctance into the country. He had become a very pleasant companion, and his conversation was very entertaining. We struck the sharp point of a ridge the morning we left Mr. Watts' hospitable house. It was four or five miles distant, but on the opposite side of the Cumberland, from Smithland. Here a steep bluff broke through the bottom land to the river's edge, the base of the bisected point being washed by the Cumberland River, which had probably cut its way through the stony mineral of this ridge in ages long passed. We climbed to its top and sat upon the pinnacle, and from that point of commanding observation I drank in the beauties of the scene around me. The river at our feet wound gracefully before us, and disappeared in both directions, its extremes dissolving in a bed of forest. A great black bluff, far up the stream, rose like a mountain, upon the left side of the river; bottom lands were about us, and hills appeared across the river in the far distance--towards the Tennessee River. With regret I finally drew my eyes from the vision, and we resumed the journey. We followed the left bank of the river to the base of the black bluff,--"Biswell's Hill," a squatter called it,--and then skirted the side of that hill, passing along precipitous stone bluffs and among stunted cedars. Above us towered cliff over cliff, almost perpendicularly; below us rolled the river. [Illustration: SECTION OF KENTUCKY, NEAR SMITHLAND, IN WHICH THE ENTRANCE TO THE KENTUCKY CAVERN IS SAID TO BE LOCATED.] I was deeply impressed by the changing beauties of this strange Kentucky scenery, but marveled at the fact that while I became light-hearted and enthusiastic, my guide grew correspondingly despondent and gloomy. From time to time he lapsed into thoughtful silence, and once I caught his eye directed toward me in a manner that I inferred to imply either pity or envy. We passed Biswell's Bluff, and left the Cumberland River at its upper extremity, where another small creek empties into the river. Thence, after ascending the creek some distance, we struck across the country, finding it undulating and fertile, with here and there a small clearing. During this journey we either camped out at night, or stopped with a resident, when one was to be found in that sparsely settled country. Sometimes there were exasperating intervals between our meals; but we did not suffer, for we carried with us supplies of food, such as cheese and crackers, purchased in Smithland, for emergencies. We thus proceeded a considerable distance into Livingston County, Kentucky. I observed remarkable sinks in the earth, sometimes cone-shaped, again precipitous. These cavities were occasionally of considerable size and depth, and they were more numerous in the uplands than in the bottoms. They were somewhat like the familiar "sink-holes" of New York State, but monstrous in comparison. The first that attracted my attention was near the Cumberland River, just before we reached Biswell's Hill. It was about forty feet deep and thirty in diameter, with precipitous stone sides, shrubbery growing therein in exceptional spots where loose earth had collected on shelves of stone that cropped out along its rugged sides. The bottom of the depression was flat and fertile, covered with a luxuriant mass of vegetation. On one side of the base of the gigantic bowl, a cavern struck down into the earth. I stood upon the edge of this funnel-like sink, and marveled at its peculiar appearance. A spirit of curiosity, such as often influences men when an unusual natural scene presents itself, possessed me. I clambered down, swinging from brush to brush, and stepping from shelving-rock to shelving-rock, until I reached the bottom of the hollow, and placing my hand above the black hole in its center, I perceived that a current of cold air was rushing therefrom, upward. I probed with a long stick, but the direction of the opening was tortuous, and would not admit of examination in that manner. I dropped a large pebble-stone into the orifice; the pebble rolled and clanked down, down, and at last, the sound died away in the distance. "I wish that I could go into the cavity as that stone has done, and find the secrets of this cave," I reflected, the natural love of exploration possessing me as it probably does most men. My companion above, seated on the brink of the stone wall, replied to my thoughts: "Your wish shall be granted. You have requested that which has already been laid out for you. You will explore where few men have passed before, and will have the privilege of following your destiny into a realm of natural wonders. A fertile field of investigation awaits you, such as will surpass your most vivid imaginings. Come and seat yourself beside me, for it is my duty now to tell you something about the land we are approaching, the cavern fields of Kentucky." CHAPTER XIII. THE PUNCH-BOWLS AND CAVERNS OF KENTUCKY.--"INTO THE UNKNOWN COUNTRY." "This part of Kentucky borders a field of caverns that reaches from near the State of Tennessee to the Ohio River, and from the mouth of the Cumberland, eastward to and beyond the center of the State. This great area is of irregular outline, and as yet has been little explored. Underneath the surface are layers of limestone and sandstone rock, the deposits ranging from ten to one hundred and fifty feet in thickness, and often great masses of conglomerate appear. This conglomerate sometimes caps the ridges, and varies in thickness from a few feet only, to sixty, or even a hundred, feet. It is of a diversified character, sometimes largely composed of pebbles cemented together by iron ore into compact beds, while again it passes abruptly into gritty sandstone, or a fine-grained compact rock destitute of pebbles. Sometimes the conglomerate rests directly on the limestone, but in the section about us, more often argillaceous shales or veins of coal intervene, and occasionally inferior and superior layers of conglomerate are separated by a bed of coal. In addition, lead-bearing veins now and then crop up, the crystals of galena being disseminated through masses of fluor-spar, calc-spar, limestone and clay, which fill fissures between tilted walls of limestone and hard quartzose sandstone. Valleys, hills, and mountains, grow out of this remarkable crust. Rivers and creeks flow through and under it in crevices, either directly upon the bedstone or over deposits of clay which underlie it. In some places, beds of coal or slate alternate with layers of the lime rock; in others, the interspace is clay and sand. Sometimes the depth of the several limestone and conglomerate deposits is great, and they are often honeycombed by innumerable transverse and diagonal spaces. Water drips have here and there washed out the more friable earth and stone, forming grottoes which are as yet unknown to men, but which will be discovered to be wonderful and fantastic beyond anything of a like nature now familiar. In other places cavities exist between shelves of rock that lie one above the other--monstrous openings caused by the erosive action of rivers now lost, but that have flowed during unnumbered ages past; great parallel valleys and gigantic chambers, one over the other, remaining to tell the story of these former torrents. Occasionally the weight of a portion of the disintegrating rock above becomes too great for its tensile strength and the material crumbles and falls, producing caverns sometimes reaching so near to the earth's surface, as to cause sinks in its crust. These sinks, when first formed, as a rule, present clear rock fractures, and immediately after their formation there is usually a water-way beneath. In the course of time soil collects on their sides, they become cone-shaped hollows from the down-slidings of earth, and then vegetation appears on the living soil; trees grow within them, and in many places the sloping sides of great earth bowls of this nature are, after untold years, covered with the virgin forest; magnificent timber trees growing on soil that has been stratified over and upon decayed monarchs of the forest whose remains, imbedded in the earth, speak of the ages that have passed since the convulsions that made the depressions which, notwithstanding the accumulated debris, are still a hundred feet or more in depth. If the drain or exit at the vortex of one of these sinks becomes clogged, which often occurs, the entire cavity fills with water, and a pond results. Again, a slight orifice reaching far beneath the earth's surface may permit the soil to be gradually washed into a subterranean creek, and thus are formed great bowls, like funnels sunk in the earth--Kentucky punch-bowls. "Take the country about us, especially towards the Mammoth Cave, and for miles beyond, the landscape in certain localities is pitted with this description of sinks, some recent, others very old. Many are small, but deep; others are large and shallow. Ponds often of great depth, curiously enough overflowing and giving rise to a creek, are to be found on a ridge, telling of underground supply springs, not outlets, beneath. Chains of such sinks, like a row of huge funnels, often appear; the soil between them is slowly washed through their exit into the river, flowing in the depths below, and as the earth that separates them is carried away by the subterranean streams, the bowls coalesce and a ravine, closed at both ends, results. Along the bottom of such a ravine, a creek may flow, rushing from its natural tunnel at one end of the line, and disappearing in a gulf at the other. The stream begins in mystery, and ends in unfathomed darkness. Near Marion, Hurricane Creek thus disappears, and, so far as men know, is lost to sight forever. Near Cridersville, in this neighborhood, a valley such as I have described, takes in the surface floods of a large tract of country. The waters that run down its sides, during a storm form a torrent, and fence-rails, timbers, and other objects are gulped into the chasm where the creek plunges into the earth, and they never appear again. This part of Kentucky is the most remarkable portion of the known world, and although now neglected, in a time to come is surely destined to an extended distinction. I have referred only to the surface, the skin formation of this honeycombed labyrinth, the entrance to the future wonderland of the world. Portions of such a superficial cavern maze have been traversed by man in the ramifications known as the Mammoth Cave, but deeper than man has yet explored, the subcutaneous structure of that series of caverns is yet to be investigated. The Mammoth Cave as now traversed is simply a superficial series of grottoes and passages overlying the deeper cavern field that I have described. The explored chain of passages is of great interest to men, it is true, but of minor importance compared to others yet unknown, being in fact, the result of mere surface erosion. The river that bisects the cave, just beneath the surface of the earth, and known as Echo River, is a miniature stream: there are others more magnificent that flow majestically far, far beneath it. As we descend into the earth in that locality, caverns multiply in number and increase in size, retaining the general configuration of those I have described. The layers of rock are thicker, the intervening spaces broader; and the spaces stretch in increasingly expanded chambers for miles, while high above each series of caverns the solid ceilings of stone arch and interarch. Sheltered under these subterrene alcoves are streams, lakes, rivers and water-falls. Near the surface of the earth such waters often teem with aquatic life, and some of the caves are inhabited by species of birds, reptiles and mammals as yet unknown to men, creatures possessed of senses and organs that are different from any we find with surface animals, and also apparently defective in particulars that would startle persons acquainted only with creatures that live in the sunshine. It is a world beneath a world, a world within a world--" My guide abruptly stopped. I sat entranced, marveling at the young-old adept's knowledge, admiring his accomplishments. I gazed into the cavity that yawned beneath me, and imagined its possible but to me invisible secrets, enraptured with the thought of searching into them. Who would not feel elated at the prospect of an exploration, such as I foresaw might be pursued in my immediate future? I had often been charmed with narrative descriptions of discoveries, and book accounts of scientific investigations, but I had never pictured myself as a participant in such fascinating enterprises. "Indeed, indeed," I cried exultingly; "lead me to this Wonderland, show me the entrance to this Subterranean World, and I promise willingly to do as you bid." "Bravo!" he replied, "your heart is right, your courage sufficient; I have not disclosed a thousandth part
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problems
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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How many times the word 'lord' appears in the text?
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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abomination
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How many times the word 'abomination' appears in the text?
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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iniquity
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How many times the word 'iniquity' appears in the text?
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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How many times the word 'unto' appears in the text?
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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flesh
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How many times the word 'flesh' appears in the text?
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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destination
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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you can stop now. I get it. Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. ISAAC (cont'd) (PANICKED) All right, this isn't funny anymore! Abraham raises the knife. ISAAC (cont'd) I'm telling mom! The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy. ZED (O.C.) STOP! Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. ZED (cont'd) What are you doing to that kid? ABRAHAM (INNOCENTLY) Nothing. Official White 55. ZED What do you mean, nothing? You were just going to kill him! ABRAHAM No, I was going to sacrifice him. There's a difference. ZED (indicating Isaac) Not to him, I'm guessing. Isaac nods gratefully. ABRAHAM By what right do you interfere? Art thou an angel of the Lord? ZED (good question) What do you think? ABRAHAM (nods sagely) Verily, thou wast sent to stay my hand by the Eternal one, blessed be He. ZED (NODS) Whatever you just said. Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him. ISAAC (confidentially to Oh) He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's totally lost it. ABRAHAM (to Zed) I am Abraham, son of Terah of the house of Nahor. ZED I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know. Official White 56. ABRAHAM The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond. There will you find all that you desire. Come. CUT TO: 34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34 Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of his people. The camp is alive with activity. 35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35 The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on the carpeted floor. An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of Abraham who occupies the place of honor. Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight. Isaac sits beside them. ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as the music stops. ABRAHAM (to the assembly) My brothers, let us give thanks unto God for staying my hand on the mountain this day. ISAAC (humoring him) Best dad in all the land, everyone! THE KINSMEN (a ritual response, in UNISON) Praise be to God, hallowed be His name. ABRAHAM And for the bounty which He hath bestowed unto us. Official white 57. THE KINSMEN (in unison) He hath increased our wealth and blessed us with His loving kindness. Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in. ZED AND OH (a beat late) --mumble mumble mumble loving kindness. Abraham looks at them. ABRAHAM Friends, whence comest thou? Zed and Oh look at each other blankly. ISAAC (HELPFULLY) He wants to know where you're from. ABRAHAM (SUSPICIOUS) Thou comest not from the cities of the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah? Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others. ZED Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been there. But I've heard of them. OH Are they nice? ABRAHAM The Lord has cursed them for their abomination. ZED (nods gravely) i didn't know that. What kind of abomination are we talking about? ABRAHAM They bow down before false Gods and worship graven images. Official White 58. ZED (clicks his tongue) Abominable. ABRAHAM The men of the city are weak and soft, fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink. ZED (sounds good to him) Really. Tell me more. ABRAHAM Their women are whores; their shameless lust knows no bounds. They flaunt their flesh without shame and any man may have knowledge of them. OH (he's sold) And where exactly are those cities? ZED (off Abraham's stern look) We just want to know so we can avoid them. ABRAHAM (FIERCELY) Walk not the path of Sodom! For surely will the Lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity. ZED (CONCERNED) When do you think all this smiting is going to go down? We may have some friends there. ABRAHAM (getting up) Accompany me. Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their feet and follow. Isaac tags along. Official white 59. 36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36 Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate moonlit landscape. ZED Abraham, I'm a little worried about the city being destroyed. ABRAHAM Their fate is sealed. But for my faith and devotion, the self-same God has given unto me the whole of this land, from the Jordan to the Negev, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates. This did He grant to me and my seed. He raises his arms and spreads them wide. ZED (IMPRESSED) This is all your land? ABRAHAM For eternity. ISAAC (SCOFFS) Yeah, God just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes. ABRAHAM (scowls at him) I and my kinsmen have vanquished our enemies by the mighty hand of the Lord, praised be He. Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response. ZED His name is praise and love his whole graciousness-- OH --of his wealthy bounty. Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes. Official White 60. ABRAHAM Therefore, to signify my Covenant with the One True God, on this night will I circumcise the flesh of my foreskin, and of you and every male who dwells hereby. ZED OH Excuse me? I'm not clear-- ISAAC Here we go again-- ABRAHAM we will grasp the foreskins of our penises and cut therefrom the extra flesh. ZED (AGHAST) I'm not sure I have any extra. OH Couldn't we could just get our ears pierced? ISAAC (aside to Zed) Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts? ZED You know, Abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and I know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later. ABRAHAM No. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. (to Isaac) Get my big knife. Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches. CUT TO: Official white 61. 37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37 Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp. OH You have any idea where we're going? ZED To the city. I have to find Maya. OH The city! He said God's going to smite them with holy fire! ZED And you're going to listen to him? You think he's more chosen than me? OH He seemed to know what he was talking about. ZED Yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim. VOICE (O.C.) Hey, wait up! Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them. ISAAC (out of breath) I'm coming with you. ZED You don't even know where we're going. ISAAC You're going to Sodom, right? ZED No. Your dad specifically said Sodom and Gomorrah were evil. ISAAC Yeah, whatever. If I show you how to get there, will you buy me a bottle of wine? Official White 62. ZED No! I told you, that's not where we're going. ISAAC Fine. Then we'll just stand here. ZED Fine. They stand there for less than a beat. ZED (cont'd) Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom. Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance. THEIR POV Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls. ZED I knew it was right around here. ISAAC Me and my friends sneak in on the weekends. We hang around, pick up on the babes, drink some wine, get wasted on killer hash-- ZED You shouldn't be smoking either. ISAAC Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been smoking for four harvests, so I think I'm okay. They start down toward the city. CUT TO: 38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38 Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they approach the massive solid wooden gates. Official White 63. OH Gee, they're not open. We should probably come back later. ISAAC You just have to knock. They always let me in. (to Oh) Go ahead. OH Me? Why do I have to knock? What if we're waking somebody up? Let's just get out of here. ZED Where? Back to the penis-cutter? Besides, Eema and Maya might be in there. You want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door. ISAAC (SHOUTING) Hey! Anybody there? Hello? Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly runs away. SENTRY (shouts at him) Halt! Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the guards. ISAAC You gonna make me? (dancing and dodging like a boxer) You and what army? ZED (shouts to Isaac) Get help! Tell your father! ISAAC (shouts back) Yeah! (MORE) Official White 64. ISAAC (cont'd) Like I'm really gonna tell my father I came with you to Sodom. So long, suckers! He takes off running. ZED (to Oh) I kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates. CUT TO: 39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39 The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the new arrivals. FIRST GUARD What's this now? SENTRY They were banging on the gate. Hebrews, from the look of them. ZED We're not really Hebrews-- The guard smacks him in the mouth. ZED (cont'd) Okay. Lesson learned. No talking. SENTRY Should we wake the Sergeant? FIRST GUARD You don't want to do that. He gets pretty mean when you wake him. OH Meaner than this? The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly. The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look nervously to a closed door at one end of the room. Official White 65. SERGEANT (from behind the door, ROARS) BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE! Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man, fills the door frame. SERGEANT (cont'd) Who the hell screamed? They all point at Oh. SERGEANT (cont'd) (glowers at him) I thought it was a woman. He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's. SERGEANT (cont'd) You don't look like a woman, but maybe you want to kiss me anyway. Is that right? You want to kiss me? Oh turns away from his foul breath. The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him off the ground. SERGEANT (cont'd) By morning you'll be sorry you were born. OH Don't have to wait 'til morning. ZED Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed. ZED (cont'd) (quickly backpedaling) Which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head. Official White 66. SERGEANT (to another guard) Get my big stick. I'll deal with the fat one first. ZED (INSULTED) Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be talking about fat, if I were you. Another blow from the sergeant. ZED (cont'd) Right. Enough said. The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes. SERGEANT (to Zed and Oh) Welcome to Sodom. As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and prepare for the worst. VOICE (O.C.) Stop! Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the other guards in breastplate and helmet. CAIN Wait! I know these guys! ZED AND OH Cain? CAIN Brothers!! He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but relieved. CUT TO: 40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40 Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him through. Official White 67. CAIN You know, you guys are lucky that sergeant is a friend of mine. I let him sodomize me once right after I got here and he's been real nice to me ever since. OH (SARCASTIC) Yeah, thanks for saving us. What are you going to do to us now? Cain stops and looks at them. CAIN wait a second. Do I detect a tone here? ZED All right, honestly? You did sell us into slavery. CAIN (instantly offended) Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge much? That was like a fortnight ago. ZED That was way less than a fortnight. Half a fortnight, maybe. CAIN Give me a break! I was dealing with the death of a close family member and I needed some space. But now I realize that you guys are like my brothers. And it's so rare to find a brother that you love. Right? He embraces them. ZED AND OH (UNEASILY) Right. CAIN (EXUBERANT) Now, you guys hungry? Watch this. Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers. Official White 68. CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd) (to Vendor) That's two for flinching. Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh. CAIN (cont'd) That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute lounging in a doorway. ZED Check out that woman across the street! She's looking at us. The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth. OH We are so in! She's eye-knowing us like crazy. CAIN You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me. It's crazy. This morning, I almost got a handie behind that pita stand. OH Well, I kind of have a girlfriend-- not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I like, so I shouldn't-- CAIN Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays in Sodom. He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT. The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut. CAIN (cont'd) You know, if you guys are staying you should join the guards. The pay's not great, but there's tons of perks. I'm telling you, it's the only way to go. Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the ass and she runs away. Official White 69. OH (to the child) Sorry. CAIN Come on, I'll introduce you to the captain. CUT TO: 41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41 A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks and hurry to line up in formation. Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping down over his eyes. ZED This is great! How do I look? OH You look good, but I think my hat's too big. They notice an OFFICER staring at them. OH (cont'd) (to the officer) Do you happen to know where I could get a smaller hat? The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon. OFFICER (ROARS) Line up! Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off. DISSOLVE TO: 42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42 Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city. Official White 70. ZED So is this it? We just walk around? CAIN Pretty much. We just look for troublemakers and kick the living shit out of 'em. ZED What kind of trouble? CAIN If we see a thief or a pickpocket, we just slap him around-- maybe cut off a finger or an ear, or the tip of his nose, lower lip-- anything you can just grab and slice in one fluid motion-- then we take our share of the loot and let him go. Mostly what we worry about are activist types, rabble rousers, getting people all riled up against the King or the Temple Priests. That's death for sure. ZED Pretty harsh, isn't it? CAIN Harsh times, brother. We're in the middle of a famine. People are starving. If we don't get some rain soon, it could get ugly. (looking forward to it) Then we'll get to start kicking ass big time. He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out. CAIN (cont'd) Beat it, you filthy beggar! OH You can't blame people for being hungry. CAIN Yeah, well, just remember, it's the palace that pays you, not the people. Official White 71. Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets and turn to look. At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches. Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only one standing. EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big ostrich plume fan. Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty. Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously. As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now elaborately costumed and made-up. Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the entourage passes. ZED (on the ground, excitedly to Oh) Did you see that girl? I think she liked me! She looked right at me. OH Gee, I wonder why? The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all get back to their feet. ZED Who was she? CAIN The Princess Inanna. She's totally hot, but don't even think about it. Official White 72. ZED Why not? CAIN Because she's royalty and you're scum? The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the royal entourage. OH Where's everybody going? CAIN To the temple. Let's go. (starts walking) You have to see this. ZED (FOLLOWING) Will she be there? CAIN Everybody will be there. CUT TO: 43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43 At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods. Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL. The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction. A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the altar. ZED AND OH stare at the spectacle. 44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44 The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN, the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the Princess and continues fanning her. Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion. Official white 73. ZED Hey, there she is! He starts edging toward the royal pavilion. 45 45 THE PAVILION Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats. The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna. KING The Princess isn't eating? INANNA I find it hard to eat when so many are hungry. KING (as if ) Your concern is enviable. INANNA (POUTY) And besides, I'm so fat. The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts. QUEEN (for the hundredth time) You're not fat-- INANNA Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen pants you got me from Egypt make my ass look just huge. QUEEN Well, you can't keep starving yourself. INANNA Why not? Everybody else is starving-- present company excluded. Official White 74. KING Careful, Princess. You may be my step-daughter, but these are dangerous times and those are dangerous words. I weep for the suffering of my people, but the spirit of rebellion is alive in the city and if necessary I will crush it with every means at my disposal. INANNA (SARCASTIC) For the good of the people. KING (warning her) For the good of everyone who enjoys the favor of the throne. INANNA Whatever. I'm just so incredibly bored. 46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46 The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn silence to ritual positions around the altar. The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to the heavens and begins his invocation. HIGH PRIEST (intoning pompously) O El, lord of Heaven and Earth; Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess of the sun; Hadad, the storm god, over-ruling son of Dagon, the bountiful, god of grain, our earthly sustenance-- ZED He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the Princess Inanna. She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice. Official white 75. INANNA Isn't that the idiot who was standing up in the street? Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming. The High Priest continues. HIGH PRIEST We come before you in humble supplication, invoking your blessing, the sweet rain which waters our fields, enriches the harvest, fills our storehouses, makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi- baal and the city of Sodom-- The King nods graciously. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) --and feeds us, your children, with the bounty of your grace. PRINCESS INANNA She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile crosses her lips. Zed grins back at her. The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too vigorously. THE ALTAR HIGH PRIEST Accept now this humble sacrifice to the power and glory of your magnificence. He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns. ZED AND OH have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO HIM. Official White 76. ZED What's happening? GUY He's picking a virgin. CAIN (LASCIVIOUS) Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. AT THE ALTAR the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the line. ZED AND OH watching curiously. ZED What do they want a virgin for? GUY To throw into the fire. ZED (SHOCKED) Why? GUY (like talking to an idiot) Offering to the Gods. There's a famine going on. If we don't make a good sacrifice, it won't rain. No rain, no harvest. No harvest, no food. Get it? CAIN It's pretty self-explanatory. OH You throw the virgin in the fire so it'll rain? GUY Duh. ZED Seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me. Official white 77. OH (CONCERNED) These virgins-- it's always a girl, right? AT THE ALTAR A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her to the fiery mouth of the furnace. HIGH PRIEST For the love of the Gods and the glory of their Creation, the great dome of Heaven, the green growing Earth, we commit this maiden to your Holy Fire. Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the fire. ZED (APPALLED) This is just crazy. Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize her. MAYA (eyes downcast) The Princess wishes to see you. CAIN (staring at her cleavage) Her wish is my command. MAYA Not you. Him. (points at Zed) ZED Me? Cool. (then, motioning to Oh) We're kind of a package deal. Can he come with? CAIN The three of us are inseparable. We're like brothers. Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an artificial smile. Official White 78. Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh. MAYA The two of you follow me. ZED (to Cain) I'll try to put in a good word for you. Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya. CUT TO: 47 47 EXT. PALACE - LATER A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter. 48 48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the royal livery. MAYA (to Oh) This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go with him. Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the opposite direction. OH Can't I go with him? EUNUCH Why? Is he your lover? OH (laughs at the thought) Hah! No? That would be weird. LOVERS-- The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him. OH (cont'd) (COVERING) So what do you do? Official White 79. EUNUCH I serve the royal family-- little of this, little of that. I've been a palace eunuch since I was nine years old. OH You've been living here since you were nine? (looks around, impressed) I should look into that. How do you get to be a eunuch? EUNUCH (MATTER-OF-FACT) They cut off your testicles. OH (HORRIFIED) What?! What's up with all the genital mutilation? EUNUCH (SHRUGS) Trust me, after a while you don't even miss them. OH (EMPHATIC) No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I hardly got to use them yet. The Eunuch leads him down the corridor. CUT TO: 49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49 land with a wet splat on a polished marble table. INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man, still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned. KING Six sacrifices in the last ten days and still no rain. What do the entrails predict? Official White 80. HIGH PRIEST (nervously poking at the sheep heart) Well, the liver is streaked with gray-- that's not a favorable sign-- but the heart looks good. See how nice and red it is here. That's always a good omen. KING What does it mean? HIGH PRIEST Usually it means that the sheep took very good care of itself, probably sticking to a high-fiber diet of grass and hay. KING What does it mean for us? HIGH PRIEST Well, it could mean either a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart-- or that you're going on a long sea voyage! Wouldn't that be fun? KING (SCORNFUL) How did you become High Priest? HIGH PRIEST Because I'm your brother? PRIME MINISTER Perhaps it's time for a new High Priest. HIGH PRIEST (his eyes go wide) Perhaps it's not time for a new High Priest. Aaaahh! He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister, as if wielding the power of the Gods. Nothing happens. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) And let that be a warning to you. Next time, I will hurl a lightning bolt at your face. (MORE) Official White 81. HIGH PRIEST (cont'd) (CONSIDERS) Or a fire-ball. PRIME MINISTER (ignores him) Majesty, there's talk of revolution in the streets. Grain and oil are scarce, prices are high, starving peasants are pouring into the city looking for food-- KING Poverty has a bitter taste, but it's the flavor they were born to. It's the will of the Gods. The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned divans, listening. INANNA (BLASE) Can the Gods really be so cruel? QUEEN I don't think that's cruel. It's just practical. If everybody was rich, who'd wait on us? Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess. INANNA Good. See that he's bathed and dressed, then bring him to me. Maya frowns and exits. INANNA (cont'd) (to the queen) This should be amusing. CUT TO: 50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50 Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry. His hair has been combed and pulled back
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fate
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