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SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_dominican_lou_on_the_oscar_nominees_snl | And now, here with his review of the oscar-nominated movies, is the Maintenance Man at 1410 Burnside Avenue. .in the Bronx, our old friend Dominican Lu. Hi, Dominican Lu. Gracias, Gracias. thank you, Norm. thank you for having me and putting me here on the show. I love to watch the program. I love to watch the movies, the Sling Blay, the Eddie Maguire, and the English Pagers. it's a good movie. a lot of people, they enjoy this movie. they love to see it. they love to see the Tom Cruise. it's very good for them. they like it. What was your favorite part of the movie?
I don't know. I didn't see it.
I have no time. I'm working all the time, you know? But I hear it's a good movie. it's a good movie. people in the building, they're talking about it a lot. they love the movie. they like to see the movie all the time. they're talking about it. Oh. wow. well, that's great. great. So they liked it, huh? they did not see it yet. they're just talking about it. they was going to see it. it's very good, my friend. maybe they get to see the movie and have a good time. they have a nice time. they say they want to see the movie. I don't go. I'm working all the time. I'm too busy. I have to clean the building. besides, I don't watch the movie.
I like it. the Tv better. Okay. well, hey, what are your favorite Tv shows? I like it. the reruns, the best. Oh. what reruns do you like? it doesn't matter. as long as it's reruns. well, why would you like the reruns the best?
Because then I can already say I can already see it, and I turn it off, and I go back to work. Okay. Dominican Lu, everybody. Good job. good job. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_get_kicked_out_of_heaven | Where... where am I? Bill? Bill! Is that you? Todd?
I thought you were dead. Oh, I am. And so are you. I'm... so... so I'm in heaven. I can't believe I'm here.
Yeah, man. I can't either. Yeah, I mean... wait, what's that supposed to mean? Yeah, like, I like it here, but it's kind of only clouds, you know?
Oh my god! Gray! Tony!
It's me, Bill! Oh my god, it's Bill.
No way! Hey! I never thought I'd see you here. Yeah! Really? John, it's a big surprise.
I mean, I'm like, whoa, Bill's here? It's so crazy. Okay, but like... why? Come on, Bill. No, no, no. I would love to hear why all of you thought that I would never be here.
Has anyone seen my sunglasses? I'm pretty sure Jesus has them. God?
I'm a huge fan. I love your work.
Bill! You're... supposed to be here? Aw, come on! Relax, Bill. John, you need to chill.
No, no, no, no. I want to understand why it's so crazy that I have... Hitler? Okay, Adolf Hitler's in heaven, and you're all surprised I'm here? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey man, don't talk like that to Charlie Chaplin. What? Not cool, man. Come on, guys. You know me, I was trying to... I'm sorry, man.
Right on time. Oh my God. Greg!
So you're telling me everyone here got a white iPhone? I didn't get a white iPhone. I got a white Android. |
dropout | nicks_s_fireworks_emporium | Freedom isn't free, but this weekend at Uncle Nick's Fireworks Emporium, the fireworks are pretty damn close!
Barrier and nitrate, aluminum shells, so much fire, you'll think you're in hell! Why don't you work it? I am the devil! Work that fire! I ain't a baby! Pumpkin mittens, tackle Dallas, Mickey, Italy, Blacian phallus, kitty cat, baseball bat, sore rat, laundromat, U.N. Secretary General, cross the line!
Franklin Avenue in Weehawken, in McDonald's, you go around the back and you see a guy by the name of Angelo, he's missing a couple of fingers and one eye. You say Angelo, he's your name Dominic, you'll say yeah, go where's Uncle Nick? He'll point you in my directions, you head over there, you bang on the door. You say stick, the other guy will say fish, they let you in, okay? |
cracked | we_remade_top_gun_maverick_for_20 | Your instructor is the topest gun this program has ever produced. His exploits are legendary. What he has to teach you may very well be the difference between life and goose. You can't reach the ejection handle.
Your reputation precedes you. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting an invitation back. They're called save the dates, Maverick. Oh, congratulations, sir.
Goose, you're alive! Goose! Hold me, Goose!
What happened to my father? Um, he was an accident.
Good morning, aviators. This is your captain speaking. Today's lesson, cock fighting. Just like Beggar's Canyon back home. I'm coming for you, father. No! Here's the honest truth, cadets. We haven't needed planes in the air for 30 years. Today we are talking about volleyball and strategy. Sure.
How's this going to make us better fighter pilots? How's it going to make us better fighter pilots?
What? You are never going to be a top judge. Because I'm about to eject. I can't get it. It's just way too difficult. That's what your dad said when you tried to grab that ejector handle. That's what I said. |
dropout | is_his_accent_sexy | What the hell? My computer won't let me use the T key. Ooh, let me message the IT guy.
The one with the accent. Ugh, my god, he has an accent. Yes, I am such a sucker for a guy with an accent.
They're so sexy. I know. Oh, my god, he's right behind you. Oh, hi, you must be the new IT guy, Garthalamil. Yeah, I'm here to fix your computer. Is it hot in here, or is it just you? I feel it, too.
So what's the matter with this thing and don't want to download nothing no more? What was that about?
Indeed. Garthalamute. Now, is that a Jewish name? It's Episcopalian. Ooh, I like it.
Gah, still sweating like a hog from that schlep over here. What was that word again? Oh, schlep. No, no. Schlep.
You know, like to walk over here. Like to walk over here.
How cute. Say grand. Grand.
He can't get it. Where are my manners?
Garthalamute, you must be thirsty. Can I get you something cold to drink? I'll take a water, and I'll take a piss warm.
Oh, my goodness. We don't know what that means. We're just stupid Americans.
I'm from Long Island. Does everyone on Long Island sound like you?
No. That'd be a generalization. Wouldn't want that now. Would we? Oh, no. Okay. I see what's going on here. Why? Do I need to turn it off and on? Shut up. Not the computer. You two. What?
You're attracted to my accent. It sounds like what you would imagine a rich and educated person would sound like. But that's just boxed in thinking. And ultimately, it's a form of classism.
And I don't need to take it anymore. And I won't. I'm done.
I didn't know you could get so hot and bothered. Do you want to sit in my chair?
Whoa. No thanks. I'm good. No? Okay. Wait.
What about my T-key? Your battery's dead. Get yourself a new one. You ghost. Oh, my battery is dead. |
TheOnion | Is_This_Real_Life_Mr_Ed_Just_A_Horse_Owned_By_A_Lunatic | And coming up, we'll help you improve your ability to remember people's faces so you can have a better mental image to masturbate to later. But first, we've heard some amazing stories about animals that can communicate with their owners. Well now, get ready to meet a real-life Mr. Ed, a four-year-old thoroughbred with something to say. Our very own Tracy met farmer Ray Kimball, who says that his horse, Franklin, has the ability to speak full sentences. Let's take a look. Then right here on the family farm he now owns, Ray Kimball says Franklin has been talking to him since the horse was just a foal. Well, I always knew Franklin was special. When did you first realize he could talk? Well, I'd hear him saying things when I was sleeping, and then I'd go out to the barn and we'd have some real conversations.
Can we talk to Franklin? Well, he can't wait to meet you. Say hi, Franklin.
What's that? That's a good one. What did he say? He said, who's the pretty lady? Franklin, do you like living on the farm? Yes. Oh yes. Did he say something?
To Tracy? No, I couldn't. I have to. Tracy, you'll be joining us tonight for dinner. I couldn't possibly. Thank you.
I dined that night with Ray to find out more about Franklin's abilities. So how do you think Franklin...
Quiet. Do you have any... Don't interrupt Franklin. I'm sorry. I cannot hear him. Is Franklin actually talking right now? He won't stop. He's a real motor mouth. Yes.
I will show her. I then got the grand tour of Ray's farmhouse.
So does Franklin ever talk on the phone? Is there a phone? Can I see the phone?
Yes, Franklin. It does look a lot like her. Well, Ray, great to meet you. As you will it, Franklin. Tracy, you live here now.
I spent a cozy night at Ray's farmhouse in a room he called the altar. I learned that the farmer has a whole lot more on his mind than just a talking horse. We love you. After spending a full week on the farm, Tracy is back in the studio with us this morning with farmer Ray Kimball. Welcome, guys.
Now, I got to tell you, I'm not so sure that horse could talk. He can talk, Jim. He's a real motor mouth.
Oh, okay. What's next for your chatty friend? We're going to continue on with our life on the farm with our new mother. Okay.
Well, when we come back, another incredible animal story. The boy who survived a horrific gorilla attack is going to come on this show to finish teasing that gorilla. Hail Franklin, everybody. |
cracked | 12_4_07_news_on_cracked_don_imus_chimps_democrats | It's Tuesday, December 4th, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I want you to want me. Scientists in North Dakota uncovered a complete dinosaur skeleton on Monday, including fossilized skin and muscle. Let's take a look.
Boy, that is terrifying. I would not have wanted to encounter that, you know.
A new study from Kyoto University shows that chimpanzees have superior memory to humans. Big deal. What do they have to remember, right?
Bananas are yummy. I like throwing my feces.
I'm not buying this one, science. Sorry.
After over half a year of controversy stemming from his racially insensitive, nappy-headed hoes remark, Don Imus has returned to the radio airwaves. Some folks still haven't forgiven him, though, and Imus will have to overcome many scrappy, dreaded foes. But pundits expect a much friendlier Imus this time around, and look forward to many sappy-headed shows. Said Imus in a statement, I just want to do my show and spend time with my poodle, you know, just pat him on his happy, petted nose.
In this era of mobile phones, AT&T has announced that they plan to exit the payphone business. Reached for comment, Superman said, oh shit.
A new study from Kyoto University shows that chimpanzees have superior memories to humans. Oh come on, what do chimps have to remember, right?
I like to scratch myself, beat my chest, and then eat a banana. Whatever, I'm not buying this one. Sorry, science.
As the presidential primary voting fast approaches, the Democratic candidates are locked in a heated debate about how universal a health care plan must be. Currently, the argument that's raging is about the inclusion of the planet Zargon in Sector Five.
And finally, a new study from Kyoto University shows that chimpanzees have superior memory to humans. That's news to me. And that's the news on Cracked. Check back tomorrow, or I'll start eating dolphin unsafe tuna. |
cracked | the_new_tech_startup_that_is_disrupting_phones_and_the_sharing_economy | What's up, Amigos? T.K. Brodsky here.
As an entrepreneur and tech startup visionary, responsible for changing the world five times over, I've been on the ground floor for a handful of cultural revolutions, including Uber, Lyft, Uber Pool, Lyft Shuttle, Soylent, Airbnb, and most recently, the exciting new Bodega line of automated corner stores and Facebook's Willow Campus employee housing community. You may think my use of Amigos was an example of cultural appropriation, but you couldn't be more wrong. I'm 1 18th Brazilian on my mother's side, and I took exploratory Spanish in seventh grade. I've adapted my rich heritage into my day-to-day life as part of the tool set I use to transform the world around me. And I'm about to transform the world around us one more time with my latest revolution, Shout, the phone sharing company.
We all know cell phones can be a major hassle. They keep getting more complicated and expensive, requiring you to sign unfair contracts that keep you chained to some fat cat cell phone company for years while they get rich off of tacked on up charges and hidden fees.
Like the great emancipator Abraham Lincoln, I'm here to break those chains with Shout. Shout was born from a very simple idea.
What if we could all share one cell phone, and instead of signing some predatory contract, we just chipped in a few cents toward the bill every time we needed to use it? Now, I know what you're thinking. How could we all use one phone? Where would we keep it? Thanks to my visionary brain. Shout takes that simple idea a step further. What if that one cell phone was a bunch of cell phones?
Safely housed inside community kiosks placed in convenient locations throughout every major city, Shout is available wherever you need it. Just walk up and dial. Every Shout kiosk is fitted with an intuitive push button interface, 3D printed from a model of your smartphone's touchscreen keypad, designed to minimize confusion and maximize conversation. Simply dial the number you wanna call, and Shout's responsive automated system will tell you how much of a contribution you need to make. Each Shout kiosk supports a number of easy payment methods, including onboard credit card readers, PayPal connectivity, and a state-of-the-art weighted coin acceptor, specially designed to allow for automated cash payments. Instead of paying an exorbitant monthly fee, with Shout, you can make your phone calls with literal pocket change. Shout even accepts Apple Pay, so you can pay with your phone. Sound too good to be true? Right now, Shout is in the process of setting up kiosks in front of most convenience stores, public transit stations, and major shopping districts, so you never have to go too far to Shout.
The future of the share economy is here, and I'm sharing it with you, because I'm fucking awesome. Shout, join the conversation. Hey, you like podcasts?
Come to the live, cracked podcast, December 2nd at UCB Sunset in LA. We've got our own Daniel O'Brien and Robert Evans, and you can get tickets to see me and them. Go to sunset.ucbtheater.com for tickets, and if you wanna see something green, did they switch it? |
cracked | why_space_aliens_might_just_be_humans_from_the_future_today_s_topic | Let me guess, you want to talk about X-Files? No! Much worse. Okay, aliens, let's do this.
Do you accept the basic concept of probability? Until I do win the lottery, yes. Even that wouldn't invalidate... Probability isn't something you can opt out of, it's not like voting.
I don't have to vote? My point is, we're done talking. Sit down, we're not done talking.
The odds that there's intelligent life somewhere else in the universe, that it developed the technology to travel light years and live, that it came to Earth in particular and made clandestine contact with our government without it becoming public knowledge, are so astronomical that... Yeah, no, I get it. Astro, like space. Here's my thing though. What if all I'm saying is that given that there are 10 billion star systems in our galaxy alone capable of supporting life, and there are 100 billion star systems in the known universe that may be on just one other planet some life developed, whether intelligent or lower order, or just shittier people, right? Just dumpier, sloppier people walking around somewhere out there.
Is that all you're saying? No, not at all, but I'm going to walk you through it. I'm moldering you. It's really close to murdering.
Can you accept that alien life could exist on another planet? I accept that that seems somewhat probable, sure. Admitted there could be life on other planets. Why not intelligent life?
Isn't it arrogant to assume that humans were the only kind of goo able to get our shit together enough to build nukes and water slides? That's it, the two iconic human inventions. You nailed it. And just think of the time scales involved. We've only had however many millions of years to evolve and build on our knowledge base since the last ice age or lava flow wiped everyone out. So?
So, assume we're an average planet. If we're average, that means there are planets with life out there who've had way longer than us to perfect space travel. So, if you grant that traveling between the star systems is even theoretically possible, then why is it a stretch to say that maybe someone, anyone out there, has already done that? Because maybe their planet wasn't a bitch that wiped them out every so often like ours has.
Global warming is melting the polar ice caps. I think we're on the verge of a major climate shift.
Fine, I feel stupid for even saying this. But grant that intelligent aliens with technology that lets them travel through the stars exist. Kiss me, Scully. Just for the sake of argument, I grant it. Even if I bought everything that you just said, the odds that one intelligent species in the galaxy decided to come our way to our little corner of space and crash in Roswell, it's just so unlikely. If they're so smart, why wouldn't they just make contact directly? Have you been to New Mexico?
It's... scorpions. First of all, you're being a real dog-it right now. Secondly, no, I don't believe any of that crap. Especially not scorpions. Come on, that's stupid.
Oh, okay. Well, good though. Roswell was time travelers. 9-11 shots AFK! That's how you sound right now. That's you.
For a second, what will we look like in the future? Handsomer, I hope. A professor of computational genomics at Washington University mapped out evolutionary trends and he figured out what we're going to look like. Oh! Get out of here! Look at it! That is us in the future. If evolutionary trends hold, we're going to be taller, with larger eyes and brains and less hair. Okay? These are trends that we've observed throughout human history.
They're the UFOs. You mean time skips. Since the only way to travel through time is to go faster than the speed of light. When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit. But the travelers' intent is to stay on Earth. They've got to use rotating disks and flight in order to breach the chronosphere. My own term. Time skips isn't? But, of course, the time travelers, they don't want to mess up the future. So they try really hard not to come into contact with us past humans. Roswell was humanity's first time travel ship test flight. It crashed, but that's okay. Because they convinced everyone that they were aliens instead, so that society as a whole wouldn't believe it. You know, because if you hear that it's time travelers, that theory's so credible that immediately you're like, oh my god, yeah, this changes everything, and they didn't want that information out there.
Yeah, you read my mind. You believe in that crap? Okay, yeah, right. ESP. Okay. More like extra stupid person. I am amazing. Roll sound. Action. Hi.
Thanks for watching that video. If you subscribe to our channel and we get enough subscribers, I'm going to pop this shirt off. Ladies, you love it. Guys, you're going to like it too.
Is he okay? |
cracked | why_big_is_more_terrifying_than_you_remember_after_hours | Was it worth it? I mean, I'll miss some of the old gang, but hey, they're in jail and I'm not.
So yes? What?
I was talking about the milkshakes! I was talking about the other thing, obviously. You brazenly ordered one of every milkshake because you couldn't decide which one you wanted.
Every once in a while, I like to do something Childhood Me would have wanted to do just because I can. Childhood Michael was a sampler. Childhood Me wanted to be the first woman to say ba-ba-boo-ee in space. Hey, there's still time. Child and Daniel wanted to hang out at diners with his friends.
It's ridiculous. There's no time for that. Grow up. It doesn't matter what childhood you want us to do. Children are stupid. That's why they're smaller. You have to earn the mass that you take up in the world. But if you could go back to being a kid, knowing what you know now, you wouldn't do it?
What about being 17 again? Like that movie with Matthew Perry where he's 17 again. Except Matthew Perry isn't 17 again. He becomes Zac Efron, a gorgeous man-child who everyone trusts, and I already am those things.
Oh, Dan, I can't come to your dog's graduation tomorrow. I'm sick. Oh, no. Feel better. Thanks.
The reality behind any time-traveling body-switching movie is horribly depressing if you think about it. No, body-switching movies always have a positive message. Whether it's Freaky Friday or like Father Like Son. Well, those are classic body-switching movies with two people. And yes, the message of those is daughter to mother, father to boy. Ah, I realize now we are not so different, you and I. But I'm talking about movies with one body switch.
Like Seventeen again, the movie we were just talking about. I'm all caught up now. So in Seventeen again, Matthew Perry's character is having a bit of a rough patch in his life.
He's going through a terrible divorce. He's kind of a shitty dad to his teenage kids. Then he meets a magical janitor, and boom, suddenly he is 17 in the present. So he enrolls in his kid's school and decides that he's going to fix his relationships with his kids and his wife. That's kind of nice. Except they don't know it's him. He's not fixing any relationships. For all his kids know, he's just a really nice and handsome man-child who has his shit together. He's just forging completely new relationships as a weirdly invested teen.
Meanwhile, their dad is still M.I.A. Yeah, Soren's right. It's like if Batman's parents came back as a hot boy after being shot. I mean, Batman would still think that his parents were dead, even though they collectively are Zac Efron.
Except it's way worse because Matthew Perry's character has been missing the entire time and no one has noticed. What does that say about his life? Oh, that he doesn't have any friends. Oh, he doesn't though. That is sad. What about his male? What about his neighbors? People don't just disappear without someone noticing.
But now old Matthew Perry is out, new Matthew Perry is in, and he's basically gained about 20 years on his life. He was going through an awful, ugly divorce, and now he's realized that no one in his old life would miss him if he was gone. Why the hell would he ever go back to that miserable life?
Oh, my. Does he hit on high school girls? Does he do that? His daughter's in high school. No, no, no. He does not have sex with his daughter.
She tries to hit on him after he helps her break up their abusive boyfriend because he's just really nice to her. And handsome. And handsome to her.
And hilarity ensues. But just because he doesn't have sex with his teenage daughter doesn't mean that he isn't thinking about having sex with the other girls in her high school. He is a high school boy with high school hormones flowing through his body and adult experience.
I don't like where this is going. Can we go to the opposite of this?
In Big, Tom Hanks plays Josh Baskett, a 12-year-old who suddenly transformed into a 30-year-old man. Yes. And people do notice that he's missed. That's exactly right.
The police assume that he is kidnapped, and they search for him. They don't do a great job of it because at no point does Josh's mom tell them about the 30-year-old man who showed up at her house to view a bunch of info about her son. Clearly, she should assume that he is the kidnapper. And a crude police sketch could have been done of this assumed kidnapper who was actually Josh himself as a 30-year-old. Not to mention, he uses his real name, which would draw attention if his mysterious background didn't. He was promoted to VP of a major toy manufacturer and bought a huge loft in Manhattan. Things require background checks. At no point in the process was someone like, Hey, you kind of look like the guy who kidnapped that kid. Also, your name is the name of that kidnapped kid.
Also, since we're naming things, you don't have a diploma or any references. And fourth thing, you know what? Don't need a fourth thing. I'm just going to call the police right now about all those other things. Yeah, well, that's not the point. It's not ransom. Just a movie about a kid learning that you don't have to rush to grow up.
Or it's the story of an unsolved kidnapping case. When Josh returns home to his mom six weeks later, wearing a man-sized suit and man-sized underwear, he's going to have a lot of questions that he needs to answer. Even if he tells the truth, who's going to believe him? A therapist would probably diagnose Josh with delusions and then just assume that he's repressing all of these terrible memories from his kidnapper as a coping mechanism. What about Elizabeth Perkins, the love interest? Or his best friend, that red-headed kid who's clearly wise beyond his years? They know the truth. Yeah, and can you imagine what's going to happen to the 30-year-old woman who says, I had an affair with a 13-year-old boy trapped in a 30-year-old's body?
She's going to look nuts and guilty. And the best friend corroborating it is just further proof that she's manipulating a bunch of these teenagers for her weird whatever. They'll probably throw her in jail for brainwashing these helpless kids for her sex cult and send the best friend to therapy to boot. Think about it. She works in a toy company. It doesn't look great for her. Not to mention she slept with half the men in the company, which is a very random and unnecessary detail for them to include in the movie I'm now realizing.
First it was Tom Caulfield, then Hanlon, then Golding, then me. Am I missing somebody?
It's not like that anymore. Which, I mean, I'm not saying is a problem for her as a woman. She's an adult and capable of making her own sexual decisions. I'm just saying they're probably going to use it against her in court. Also, when she finds out he was 13 the whole time, she says... Ten years.
Who knows? Maybe you should hold on to my number. I don't know if there's a right thing to say in that situation, but it's probably not that. How about, I should go.
Also, when he goes back to his childhood, there's still a full entire person who's just gone now. The last thing his coworkers will remember seeing him do is...
I'll be right back. Well, our initial figure was around seven... Will you excuse me?
Ken doesn't look great for Susan. He really ruins that woman's life.
How about 13 going on 30? There's a happy ending, and no one goes missing. She not only body switches, she also travels to the future. So her friends and family are none the wiser. Actually, it's her 13-year-old brain jumping into her 30-year-old body in the future, which is kind of romantic if you look at it the way the movie looks at it, which is like time travel.
But actually, it's just a 30-year-old woman who's lost 17 years of her memory, like waking up from a coma. Or she could just be repressing a horrible memory. Or maybe it's the magic dream house fairy dust. Or maybe she's such a terrible person that her brain cannot cope with the consequences of her decision, so it just regresses into an adolescent state.
How is she terrible? She's just a naive teenager with joie de vivre. She is selling out her company to the competitor. She's also sleeping with the husband of her coworker. And when she's a teenager, she's kind of an asshole, and all she wants to do is be popular.
I don't want to be beautiful in my own way. I want to look like these people.
But she fixes all those things. I forgive her.
Yeah, but at the cost of her childhood friend's engagement, she breaks up a perfectly good relationship between him and his fiance. She shows up at his loft wearing a nightgown claiming to be 13 and somehow convinces him to fall in love with her, even though he's already engaged. No, she doesn't marry him right away. She's at his wedding to his fiance when she encounters the magic dream house dust and goes back into her 13-year-old body. He still cheats on his fiance with her. I mean, they have that romantic kiss in the park while he's still with that other woman. And then when she goes back to being 13 years old, we suddenly flash forward, and she's married to Mark Ruffalo in the future.
Maybe it was a projection all along. Maybe she's just a terrible person who broke up an engagement and had to go through this delusional time-traveling fantasy in order to justify her actions in the present.
What? No. Think about it.
Mark Ruffalo's character Matt only falls in love with Jenna because she acts like a child. If they had actually lived those in-between years together, she'd just be like a boring adult, and the chances of them actually getting together are very slim. Man, what is up with people being attracted to childlike behavior?
Yes, it's very strange. Hmm. No, I guess it doesn't work for everyone. Daniel's right, though.
All of these movies are just glorifying the sexualization of teenage innocents. I haven't even mentioned the creepy part in 13 Going on 30 where she has a slumber party with all of the neighborhood girls.
I mean, where are these people's parents? You will never see a body-switching movie where a middle-aged man swaps bodies with a senior citizen. Or a middle-aged man to an older middle-aged man, even though middle ages is when the bulk of the irreversible life-altering mistakes actually happen.
Can I get a bowl of chocolate sugar with some sprinkles? Please, with a, like, a fun spoon? Is that a thing? And don't tell me if it's not. Just fry something for me and make it sweet and let me have it.
Look at this fucking kid on the milk. Hi, everybody. I'm Soren, and this is Daniel.
Thank you for watching that sketch. If you liked it, please go into the comments and tell us how much you liked it and subscribe to our channel. Or if you didn't like it, still subscribe because maybe something else will roll along that you would appreciate.
Hi, Dan. Do you want to say anything?
It's 4.18 in the morning on a Monday, I guess Tuesday, technically now. I have to be in the office in about six hours. Okay, so anyway, we really appreciate all of you. Thank you for stopping by whatever time of night you're watching this. I assume it's at night. Not, or day, I guess. |
TheOnion | How_To_Tell_Your_Mom_You_re_Not_Coming_Home_For_The_Holidays | What's the best way to tell your mom you're not coming home for the holidays? Just tell her, Mom, I'm gay and also there were no affordable flights out of Boston. She'll understand. Tell her that your pig is sick. No good mother would ever try to wedge even a smidgen of guilt between a person and their poor sickly hog. It will be hard for her to hear, but just explain to her that you've been getting much closer with them, and that you're planning on spending Christmas with ISIS this year. Try to assure her that she'll have just as much fun psychologically torturing the rest of the family that she probably won't even notice you're gone. Say you're Jewish now. If she gets mad she's an anti-semite and no one wants an anti-semite as a mother. Explain that Thanksgiving is a backwards custom that celebrates the wanton destruction of the indigenous people who were here before the white colonizers and slavers, and we should be ashamed to commemorate such a blood-soaked tradition. She'll be thrilled not to have you and your exhausting talking points around. Tell her you're dead.
In a major breakthrough for reproductive health, scientists have developed an even more painful form of female contraception. The new spike-covered device easily shreds its way through the cervix to stab the uterus several times before insertion, providing 500 times more agony than current contraception. This new birth control will also provide excruciating cramps and internal bleeding while heating up to a searing 375 degrees Fahrenheit for no medical purpose whatsoever. Unfortunately, doctors have warned that the new contraceptive is only about 30 percent effective in preventing pregnancy. |
TheOnion | NFL_Players_Absolutely_Should_Stand_For_The_Sunday_Night_Football_Theme | Okay, people, look, I don't usually like to weigh in on football controversies. I like to focus on the game, but there's something that really gets me frustrated and I have to say something. Sorry if this offends anyone, but I think NFL players should 100% be required to stand for the Sunday Night Football theme song. This is a beautiful, historic song that should be a unifier for all Americans. And every week, you see players disrespecting Carrie Underwood and the entire country by sitting on the sideline benches while the song is playing. Some of them are still in the locker room. Hey, if you're trying to protest, do it on your own time, alright? Not during the Sunday Night Football theme. Show some pride, whether you're in the stands, on the sideline, or watching the game at home, when you hear that iconic vocal riff, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You should be on your feet, hats off, hand on your heart. When she sings, get on your feet, she means it.
Do you think our troops overseas would want to hear that some professional athletes are choosing not to stand when they hear a seven-time Grammy Award winner belt, The Clock's Winding Down, Let's Rock and Roll? No! This is a song that is ingrained in our nation's history. These young players these days, they don't know anything about that. A lot of them probably don't even remember when it was Faith Hill singing and the lyrics were waiting all day for Sunday night. Terry Underwood does a new song for us every season and this is how the players choose to show their respect? It's a shame. Do I have to explain to my kids that not everybody appreciates the Queen of Country the way we do in our family?
No. No way. Because in our house, we stand. No matter what.
Let's talk Jimmy Garoppolo. If you're a Niners fan, hell if you're a football fan, you're excited to see what this guy can do as a starting QB this year. But does Garoppolo have what it takes to truly step out of Tom Brady's shadow and start a sham fitness and diet program of his own? This guy was Brady's backup for so long he's bound to have learned a thing or two from the future Hall of Famer. But can he really push a bullshit diet and pseudo-science workout regimen on the world with the same ease and confidence as Brady?
I don't think so. Not yet at least.
Sure, he's got skills. He can probably do some TV spots for protein shakes. But are we going to see him hawking sensory deprivation tanks and spreading nonsense about muscle pliability in San Francisco on day one? Don't get your hopes up, Niners fans. Garoppolo showed flashes of greatness in New England. He's got an impressive arm.
But if you seriously think he's going to be able to talk incessantly about the importance of lowering your pH levels and convince people they can stay in perfect physical shape until their 60s, you need to manage your expectations. He doesn't even have a health guru slash body coach slash business partner who's been fined by the FTC for selling fake medicine. That kind of Tom Brady level talent for spreading bogus health bullshit takes time to cultivate.
Sorry, Jimmy. I know there's a lot of pressure on you to show up right away and sell some kind of lemon water cookbook or some shit. Don't let it get to you. Because look, the real problem here is that we're comparing Garoppolo to Brady at all.
He's moving on with his own career in a different team. Does he even need to start a bullshit diet to be successful there? No. He has a chance right now to become his own kind of player and maybe start a bullshit clothing brand or a cheap reality show. Oh, and another thing.
If you think Garoppolo has what it takes to kiss his 11-year-old son on the lips just like Tom Brady, you're wrong there too. Garoppolo doesn't have any kids. Let it be his own kind of player, people. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_on_britain_next_time_compilation_philomena_cunk | This is Konkon, Britain. How can we be sure Henry VIII is who we think he was? What if he was someone else just pretending to be himself, who happened to look like whoever he actually was? Er, well... Next time, I'll be looking at the 19th century and asking the big questions. Who was Albert Hall? Why did Oliver twist?
And what are Wordsworth? Wordsworth wrote, I wandered lonely as a cloud, but clouds don't have legs, do they?
So, how was he allowed to get away with that kind of stuff? Next time, we move into the early 20th century, a period when TV was invented, making life actually worth living for the first time. And also a time when Britain fought two World Wars, but no World Cups. Why were all the British soldiers in World War I called Tommy? Was that just a coincidence? On the next and final episode of Konkon, Britain, I'll see how the groovy young people of the 1960s encouraged Britain to tune over, turn off and drop up. And Britain experienced a golden age that sadly couldn't last. In the 1960s, if you switch your television on, you'd get Malcolm and Wise, Cilla Black, Bob Monkhouse, David Frost. But nowadays, they're all dead. Why is that? |
cracked | mccain_clinches_d_d_inventor_croaks_and_more_news_3_5_08 | It's Wednesday, March 5th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm running for president. Last night, John McCain clinched the Republican nomination like Bob Dole's right hand. In Europe, new research is suggesting that an experiment that allowed pubs and clubs to stay open for longer has failed to cure Britain's binge-drinking problems. In an interview with the News On Cracked, a British youth had this to say about the extended hours.
What? You?
I'll tell you what, mate. You're my mate. You're my best mate, mate. I mean, I love you. I do. You're my bestest mate, mate. It's fucking just like you and me now, mate. It's just you and me. You and me against them, innit? Because we're cool, you know? It's just the two of us, right? You know, we're mates, ain't we?
In other news, Gary Gygax, whose last name I don't know how to pronounce, and who was the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons and the father of modern role-playing games, well, he died after he failed to make a string of saving throws against sickness and heart attacks. He is the first person on the planet known to die with 20 sides. Brett Favre, meanwhile, is a quitter.
And finally, Paris Hilton will appear on My Name is Earl. I, however, won't watch. Listen, if one thing is news, the other thing is news. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Friday when I'll do this sort of thing all over again. |
TheOnion | Beard_Husks_On_Sidewalk_Indicate_Start_Of_Hipster_Molting_Season | The Onion News Network, brought to you by New Belgium Brewing Company. Balanced news for a balanced beer.
If you live in Williamsburg, chances are good you've seen them. Giant piles of beard hair rotting in the streets. Don't worry, it just means hipster molting season is here again. Experts say the husks of dead beards don't pose a threat to public safety and are just part of the natural life cycle of these strange organisms. Once a year, all at the same time, every 20-something urban male sheds his ironic beard to make room for larger, more fanciful facial hair. They need the beards. They're a tough exoskeleton that protects these young people from the non-whimsical realities of life. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says it's the largest molting season on record. In Brooklyn, sanitation crews are working overtime to clean up the loose whiskers the exuviating males have left behind. From P.S. 132 in Greenpoint, teacher Melissa Fuentes took her students to see the molting millennials in their natural habitat. It's just really great for the kids to get up close and see their husks in real life. We're in the middle of a unit on invasive species, so we're examining the beards to learn more about their effect on the local ecosystem. We're collecting them to make a collage for the school. The affected youth's molting season comes right before their mating season, when the males use their lush beards to impress the local hordes of burlesque females. Up next, health experts say pacing and waiting for her to text back may help boost weight loss. |
cracked | 6_types_of_youtube_videos_there_are_waaay_too_many_of_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 23 of Crack TV. With me as always is my co-host, clips of Dan O'Brien beatboxing. Aww, I'm a silicone sucker, six servo stacked, wired up to wild out and whip the wack, articulate and able to incite with insight a mechanical marvel making money in mic fights. Thank you Daniel. As Albert Camus once said, Yo, yo, yo, dibberty-dob and a heezy-pa-deezy. Translated from the French, that means today's topic is...
Unfortunately, it never seems to be when I'm searching bouncy co-eds and always when I'm searching turtles humping. Oh what, you thought that was a joke? Watching turtle hump into YouTube generates so many results it's mathematical proof that the earth is populated solely by turtles. I'm convinced the only reason it's not is because half the time they try to bone inanimate objects. After watching it from every conceivable angle and set to every conceivable soundtrack, I've become convinced that nature is unseemly and should be regarded as an enemy to man. Don't believe me? Try making the sound of a turtle orgasming your ringtone and see how long you can go without getting the shit beaten out of you.
So as you can see, the second quarter was considered with... Oh shit, sorry. Ahhh, I should really take this. Hey dude. No man, I told you it sounds like this. Ahhh.
Quick, name any song. Yes, there is a YouTube parody of that song. Also I can hear you through your speakers.
Poker face? I hardly know her face. Honestly, I have no idea who Lady Gaga is. Some kind of fancy baby, I imagine. Whatever she is, people love singing about her face.
It's like a little army of weird owls. Except if Weird Al only had a green screen, only parodied shitty Top 40 dance pop, and ran his voice through the opposite of an auto-tuner. Also, he's had a botched frontal lobotomy.
I'm on a boat. I've got a gun. I'm on a horse.
We're battle night. Stop parodying on a boat. Alright? It's already a parody. You're not supposed to do that. See?
Hey everybody. Welcome to Ass Crack TV. We're Smelly Wieners Ass Crack. I'm Michael.
With me as always is my co-host, Clips of Chips. Chips Clips, totally random.
Alright, well, exception that proves the rule. YouTube is notorious for banning nudity or pornography of any kind. I mean, yes, they have a wide array of ass clapping videos naturally, and the occasional taste will photomontage. But dammit, a mandroid can't live on photomontages alone. And since there are literally no other sites on the web to get fappable material, someone had to take a stand.
Ooh, yeah, girl. You make out with that... guy? Girl? There are about a million clips on YouTube of emo kids making out, but there's only like three where you can pick out their genders.
When you were a kid, and you used to put bugs inside a jar and make them fight for your amusement, now imagine that the jar is YouTube, and the bugs are any animal that ever existed, ever. You want shark versus octopus? Done. Elephant versus rhino? We have that. Giraffes?
Didn't even know they fought. Bear versus tiger? Croc versus lion? Beats the shit out of Kramer versus Kramer, I can tell you that much. What about a porcupine fighting a lion?
No? Alright. Fair enough. That one was kind of...
We have that! What about a sea lion? I'm already bored. Show me hippos. Check. Moving on. What can you show me in an eagle? Yes! More!
Eagle on fox. Eagle on goat. Swan. Fucking wolf. What about eagle on eagle? Oh yeah, that's some double eagle goodness right there. I want to see whirling, flapping, fighting eagles, flapping and whirling in the eagle fighting sky.
God bless America. I'm not sure what's more surreal, that there's a loving YouTube tribute commemorating the passing of the guy who sold Oxy Clean or a guy who beat people up for a living and then killed his family. Correction, the surreal thing is that there's 10 of each and every single one features a glaring typo. Honestly, what level of celebrity worship is enough to get you to make a tribute but not enough to get you to spell check their name? Any death is a tragedy, but you didn't even know these people. Let's show a little restraint. Much better. Jesus, I hope I'm never famous enough to warrant one of these things.
Based solely on the video evidence I've gathered on YouTube, my expert opinion is that a vast underground network of dogs, mostly chihuahuas, has slowly but surely taught themselves how to drive their master's cars, work video cameras, and upload files to the internet. Not to mention the terrifying implications of them pushing the pedals without touching them. If we don't put a stop to it, we're risking our children's lives and the lives of every- Oh, look at him.
He's adorable. Somebody get that guy a beer. All right, guy. You're okay. Get out of here. Oh my God.
How is he? Did he make it? Well, that does it for this episode. How you doing, Dan? Still at it?
Nice. You want to wind it down for us? Excellent. And remember, if you want to help us pick our next topic, just call your insurance company and make sure that underground desert layers are in network. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim. Allow me to play you out. We made a film. |
dropout | kidnapper_or_scam_call | Just keep asking myself, you know, who would want to kidnap Katie? She's so annoying, you'd be guaranteeing yourself hours and hours with her, and I...
Don't you worry about that. When the kidnapper calls, just keep him on the line for two minutes, then we can trace it and get Katie back. Okay. Hello? Ahoy from Lusitania Cruise Line! Oh, God. This is the captain speaking. You've been... It's a scam call.
You get a lot of these, do you? Oh, yeah. You know, one day was nothing the next... BAM! Like, every hour. I must be on, like, a list or something. Me, too! Yeah? Yeah, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. It's so annoying, right? Yeah.
I barely even answered my phone anymore. Okay, but we do need to answer the phone, so is there someone else's phone that we can use or... The kidnapper said that they were calling this line only.
Okay, but maybe we can... I know number. It's probably another junk call. But it's a local area code. This could be our guy. Well, you never really know. Yeah, it's called neighbor spoofing. Like, take numbers from the same area code that you're in. Yeah, it's probably more likely that it's a scam. That is so true. Yeah, and then you pick it up and it's just this, like, pre-recorded call in Mandarin.
Okay, but if it is the kidnapper, this could be our only chance to save Katie. We can't take that risk.
Okay. Hello? Your social security number has been... Dammit! I told you! Oh, no, I'm not picking that up.
But that's definitely a scam. It says scam likely right on it. Unless the kidnapper's name is scam likely.
What? No.
No, what kind of a name is scam likely? Yeah, that sounds like a Dickensian orphan. It could be a street name. A street name? Street names are like bones or like... Jack!
Okay, but I've never seen this scam likely thing before. I think only certain carriers do it. I'm on cricket and I'm probably getting more calls from scam likely than I am my friends. One hundred percent.
I mean, who calls anymore? Just answer it before it's too late. Hello?
If you're not careful, death will be on your hands. Well, I don't want that, so just tell me what I have to do. But with Persephone life insurance, you can be sure that your financial future helps.
Oh, come on! Why would they even make an ad that sounds like that? I don't know. These junk calls are weird. They're all weird like that.
Can you just trust me that I know which calls are legit and which ones aren't? Do you, though? Are you willing to bet Katie's life on it? I swear to God, if this is another... Now you talk to me or I'll send Katie back in pieces.
You're actually the kidnapper. Uh, yes. It's actually the kidnapper!
Yeah! All right! That's what I'm talking about. All right.
Whoa. I'm sorry. No, we've had a morning. Wait a minute. Who's we? I thought we.
There's no cops here. Hey, it's Mike Trapp.
You know, if you want to talk to the cast and crew here, you can at the exclusive Dropout Discord. It's a great place for behind-the-scenes content. And if you like behind-the-scenes, check this out. |
TheOnion | Mountain_Dew_Can_Provides_Pleasant_Challenge_For_Appraiser_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Welcome to another episode of Lake Dredge. There's something wrong with the sound. All right. Here's Mike. Ah, here it is.
Probably wasn't as dented as before, but I was using an auger suction rig and it just kind of got messed up on its way up to the screw. Where did you dredge this? Midlake. Well, it looks like an aluminum can, although we can't be sure yet. When did you dredge it? About three days ago.
Okay. You should really, really bring items in just as soon as you dredge them, okay? Sure. It's just that Santonio doesn't care much about that kind of stuff. Well, here we do care. We are not Santonio. Let's, uh, let's clean it off. Okay. Now, this is interesting.
This can represents the green slashes silver blotches design introduced in 1995. It's from 1995? Not so fast, please. This can design ran until 1998. So we'll never know how old it is. Well, now, as you can see, it does not have the wide mouth, which Mountain Dew introduced in January of 1996. So that means we can pinpoint this can's date to 1995.
How much do you think it's worth? Two cents. Of course, it's worth five cents if the deposit machine accepts it, but it may not, and I have to remain conservative in my appraisals.
Sure. Thank you so much for bringing in this dredged item. This was great. Now let's update our dredge totals.
Boom! Sibian in the house! Woo! All I'm thinking about right now is an Alex sandwich, with Camilla and Danny Vollmer as the bread. |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_films_forefathers_of_the_game_the_gun_snl | You're watching Espn Classic. professional football didn't always have the glitz and glamour that it has today. in its early days, there was little pay and no rules.
Today, we journey back for another episode of Forefathers of the Game. the greatest player with the most meteoric rise I ever coached was Billy the Gun Van Golf. the quarterback we most feared, the Gun. the Gun. We hated playing the gun. they called me the gun for two reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. and the second reason was, I always brought a gun on the field with me. I remember the first game I coached the gun. he got tackled and he was so mad. And when he came back to the sidelines, I yelled, well, what are you going to do about it? and I'll never forget, he said, I'm going to get my gun. I was the only official in the league at the time, and there was, with good reason, I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. but technically, there was no rule against it. as Commissioner of the league, I moved quickly to ban firearms, but there was one major loophole. the rule had a grandfather clause. anyone who had already used a gun in a game was allowed to keep up. of course we were upset. he had a great arm and a gun. he would just drop back and stand there pointing his gun at us, daring us to rush him. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling, which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet? that's our football. golf drops back. here comes the defense. the defense is running away. We were undefeated going into the championship game, and we would have won it all if not for the incident. by the championship game, Gun was getting a little cocky. he would openly drink on the sidelines. that made him even more intimidating. we could tell he was drunk, so we decided, this is our chance. let's all out Blitz. he can't shoot all of us.
And we surprised him. you know, he threw it as far as he could, and then turned it us and took aim. but he was still holding the football. he had thrown the gun. Gabe Silverberg was our star receiver. it was snowing so hard that he didn't realize he was trying to catch a gun until it was too late. Gabe made two catches that day. a touchdown and a bullet.
I had no choice but to kick Gun out of the league, and thus ended one of the greatest football careers I had ever seen. this has been Espn classic. |
cracked | spare_change_inspirational_thoughts_from_cracked_com | Love. Hope. Peace.
Maybe all it takes is a little understanding. Sometimes, when I look into the eyes of a homeless man, I'll see a glint of hope, and it always makes me smile. I don't know him, but I respect him, and I think he can sense that. Respect. I'll give him a friendly nod as I pass by, and he'll look up at me, and for a split second, we'll lock eyes. And without either one of us saying anything, we've made a connection. A connection so strong that if everyone felt it, even once in their lives, the world would be a much better place.
And then he'll go and ruin it by asking me for spare change. I'll walk back to him and lean in close, and I'll whisper in his ear, change comes from within, and I'll see in his cracked out eyes that the humor is lost on him. He is just a bum after all, and for a second I'll think about killing him. About stabbing him to death with a steak knife in a deserted alley after work, then pulling down my pants and fucking the fresh stab holes while he begs for his life. And I'll think about how easy it would be to get away with, because really, who cares about a bum, or a hooker for that matter? And I'll smile. Then I'll go about my day, and later on that evening, as I leave a tip for my 35th rum and coke with the change I would have given him, I'll think to myself. He would have spent it on booze anyway, and I'll chuckle at the irony. I wonder what the bartender's pubic hair tastes like. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Chris_and_Ben_from_Silverchair | I'm hoping my collar is looking fine. Looks beautiful.
Yeah. One of the rare ones we're filming. We're cameras here, by the way, guys. The shark, I didn't notice. Yeah. We're not going to be doing a full YouTube video unless we get spun gold out of here, but we'll be using this for social media.
This is the new world we're in. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate. I'm joined by Effie Bateman, who is effectively our guru on lifestyle, culture, the fine arts and dating. And today's guest, Ben and Chris from Silverture, we're really excited to have you guys. Excited to be here. Now this would be a familiar feeling for you guys being brought in to meet the big media guns as young men starting from a very young age.
Now the narrative is, and this is my tinfoil hat, man, these kids were only 14 when they started. I think that's bullshit. I also think that's revisionist to protect the record labels that took you around the world as minors.
I know for a fact you guys were 12 when it started. Yeah, essentially the band form, like the three of us came together at the age of 12. I mean, Ben and Dan were, I guess their musical journey started even a few years before that. But essentially the crux of the band was from about the age of 12 and no one's really emphasizing that that is preteen age, preteen, teenagers at 12. Well, we hadn't quite left the garage at that point though. And then I guess by the age of 14 it was, the band had been discovered essentially. Yeah.
Time moved a lot faster back then. No, I reckon you think it's slow, now time's moving fast.
I'm just wondering how that turnaround from being 12 year olds from probably just in Newy High, I mean, not even in Newy High yet at that point. 13 was year seven, wasn't it? Just stepping into year seven.
And then within, how many years from that point was it until you were touring America with the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Two years. 18 months.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is pretty wild looking back now. That's crazy. It's an amazing story.
Obviously for that particular perfect cross section in Australian media where Triple J was the overlord and people would actually watch those shows like Recovery and Rage and stuff like that. To have homegrown talent that they could showcase to young people kind of would have put you in living rooms all around the country, but no more than your hometown of Newcastle who really had it going on around this time as well, by the way. The Newcastle Knights were starting to win. You know, you had- There were a lot of good things coming out. A lot of vibes at Newy. Yeah. You had all the pubs and you also had the people that had kind of made a name from Newy Rock before you. Can you tell me what was it like when you first met those old battlers like the Screaming Jets and those kind of guys?
We've also spoken to Gleason about this too, before he said that your parents brought you through. But I only heard from his perspective, which was they were off their heads and they were trying to offer advice to you and you guys were like white eyed preteens. I do feel there was a genuine helping hand from those guys because we were, we were just kids and- Young, dumb, and you know the rest.
Not full of rum yet. Because you didn't start drinking until you were 14, but I also liked the story that your parents were on tour. One of your parents was always on tour, right? Yeah.
It was either the mums or the dads. Mums or the dads. I'm sure I didn't know which one was more responsible, but it was either the mums or the dads.
And then you turned 18. I'm guessing you all turned 18 at the same time. Yeah, we're sort of April, October, and November. What happened then? What was the arrangement as you were all of voting age, tax paying voters?
Did you tell your parents to stay home? Yeah, essentially pretty much the day came where we got to rip the bandaid off. It's not like we just went berserk overnight. You're 18 and you're trying to find where the limit is, but we still had good management around us and good people, but we had bags of fun. I think what our parents should have done as we were getting closer to the 18 mark, they should have let the rains out a little bit, but they were holding on as hard as they could because- I think they had the Melbourne Cup and the gates open.
Yeah, they were like, oh, it's almost at the end. But I'm not sure about more, I think. Yeah, that's it.
If they let the rains out a little bit as we were getting closer to 18- When your boys are about to take off around the world at 18, or they're 15, they're like, come on, mate, just let the rains out a little. No, but if they did, if they did, once we turned 18, we would have been more likely to say, hey, why don't you come out for a few days on tour? Because they were so, almost trying to be strict parents on the road. Once you turned 18, it was like, that's it, we're cutting the ties, we're off. See you later.
I mean, it's an interesting one because it's such a- What you guys went through as superstar rock stars, Australian rock heroes, at such a young age is such a rare thing for people to- Of course, you're aware of that. But it's a very, very bizarre situation your parents found themselves in. Were there parent meetings about this shit as it started to pop? Well, we were only just talking about this the other day, about the fact that we're kind of that age now, what our parents were, travelling the world with teenagers. And it sort of just dawned on me, I was like, oh, wow.
How would you manage it? How would you navigate that?
But I don't know, I guess we were just lucky that they were happy to support us and let us run off with our craziest dreams. Follow our dreams, yeah.
Did you have any bands try and corrupt you? I've got a memory of offspring actually at the Adelaide Hilton.
And we wanted to hang out with them and chat with them because we were like, this is offspring, this is bloody cool. And they were like, if you want to hang out with us and spend time with us, you have to drink with us. So that's, and they'd bring out shots and our parents were there. And we were underage and we were kind of going like, we're going to get away with it.
Bang. Well, they had conditions. Yeah, that's right. You want to sit at the table?
There's also a few rumours around the Steel City about the Newcastle Knights corrupting you guys. Well, there's one legendary story of Joey John's going and grabbing Daniel the following morning.
On Mad Monday, yeah. On Mad Monday.
Yeah, from his ship. I think that's been blown out of proportion. I remember seeing the guys a bit around town, like when I was sort of 18 and starting to go out in Newy. And, you know, there was definitely a scene. There was one, there was a club in Newcastle called the Mercury.
And there was a few levels, but there was between one level, there was always like a set of stairs with a road case. And I'd walk between the levels and Joey John, Joey would sit there on this road case. And if he spotted me, he'd always be like, Benny, Benny. And I'd go and end up talking to Andrew for like an hour, just at the Mercury.
About the life and times.
Well, they had the chair and they had the silverware and they had the steel. Do you guys feel, because, you know, when you popped off, it was everyone had long hair. Also shirtless, I forgot in the tomorrow video. Oh, that was Chris. That was you, you went shirtless. That was this rig.
Yeah. Do you think the whole Daniel having platinum blonde hair and probably, you know, like more kind of, very much like he had that grunge features and he's kind of, you know, jaunting kind of jutting bones, cheekbones you'd say. Do you think that kind of hid you a little bit in like the plane, like in the, you know, with you two just kind of looking similar to each other and then him popping out as a platinum blonde? Do you reckon, you know, in some aspects, cause I know it happens with the Batuda team, like it's the guy with the beard who's six foot five that cops it and they get to hide in plain sight. Yeah. Yeah, naturally him being the front man, definitely the spotlight was on Dan more so than us. And you know, he, yeah, he definitely, I guess with that came other things, good and bad. Yeah, he definitely wore the brunt of, you know, a lot of that sort of tension. So like no one knows where you met your missus, but everyone would know where he met his missus. Yeah, totally. Which I guess is haunting in many aspects.
I want to talk about Newy High. I might've told you guys before this, but when we interviewed Mikey Robbins, Newcastle comedian, Good News Week fame, we asked the, we always like to ask the question, which is ridiculous. Oh hang on, I think I know this story. I think I know this story. I'm not going to bother asking you this question, but the question is, when did you know you'd made it?
And he said, I knew I'd made it when I got invited back to Newcastle High to speak to the students. And he was talking about being a big shot. And he said, he looked down in front of him and there was about, the way he worded it was, I was looking at about $20 million worth of silver chair.
I remember that guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that your parents insisted that you remain at school and the students just deal with having Australia's biggest band at school with them, that was, is that a clutch moment? Is that like a lifesaver for you guys? Because I can imagine a school infrastructure could actually put up with that. And everyone at school just assumes that everyone has a band at school that's famous. You know what I mean? Like, was life normal in that aspect?
Well, I mean, we were lucky that our principal actually was very supportive and he really helped navigate the school time. There was a kind of whiplash between, we were living two lives, ultimately. We had this incredible life on the road, touring and playing in front of audiences. Then we'd come home and you're in school uniform, hanging out with your mates. But a lot of our mates we knew before the band had taken off. So they, in a way, they kind of helped keep us level-headed and grounded.
You weren't gonna get away with much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You weren't gonna get special treatment. No, they did not. Yeah, it was Newcastle in the nineties. You weren't getting away with nothing.
So then you hit the road. I have to say, in looking at your strange story the other night, the way the music matured was really interesting. It kind of matured with what I feel a lot of young people that kind of found you, they could have been as young as you were when you started. And it kind of, it was a good insight into like maturing tastes that people go through. Yeah. And you just change it up and you've got new influences. What do you think you were listening out at the start? And what do you think influenced you, you know, two albums in? I kind of, well, as a band starting at 12, like you've got so much musical room to grow. Yeah, yeah. You know, I think if you were still playing the music that you're excited about when you're 12 and 14, if you're still playing that when you're 30, I imagine you'd be extremely bored. So it felt like a natural progression to want to push ourselves and see how far we could push the boundaries, you know? So that's, I think that's, it was important for us as artists to always keep exploring and growing and changing and evolving.
Were you listening to what your parents were listening to? Because I know when I was a teenager, I would always listen to whatever my dad was listening to, like Fleetwood Mac.
A bit of Traveling Wilbur, you know? Yeah. That was pretty good. I got that one. But yeah, essentially, yeah, it all sort of started from, yeah, dad's record collections. Luckily, they had good taste. Yeah, they weren't playing Bring Back the Bass or what, I don't know, any of that. Yeah, yeah. You weren't limited to like, yeah, and I know what you're saying, there was some music at that time that was kind of, parents could be listening to that was pretty sanitized. It didn't have that much kind of, you know, they could've been listening to Doo-Wop, you know? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was a thing, the bands were a thing.
I think Australia discredits the different pub rock eras we've had. We think of pub rock and we think of Chisel and the, you know, all the old 10 pound pumps coming out of Adelaide, right? We don't think about the 90s.
Right now I'd say the dominant kind of live music venues would be clubs. But back then it was still very much pubs and when you guys were kicking off, it was still very much pubs and you would've been spoiled for venues to play in, providing the publican was loose enough to let young men, as young as 12 or 13 in their venues. What was the work rate like before you took off on these international tours? Well, I mean, what do you mean from like 12? Yeah, like were you touring? When did you start doing pubs? Was it after you came down to Sydney and won that? It was kind of Battle of the Bands, Ian Pubs at that point, yeah. Or all the old gigs, like here and there. But yeah, they were all essentially pubs or, you know.
So you didn't, I'm just realizing now as I'm interviewing you, you guys didn't have to really do the circuit. You didn't really have to, well, you just kind of moved faster than that.
Well, we played wherever we could around Huey at the time and then it all sort of took off once we did the, well, won the Nomad competition on SBS and then the opportunity to record in triple J with Phil McKellar and then just a few sliding door moments. Yeah, it all sort of, pedal to the metal. We did play at a very classy venue in Newcastle called the Jolly Roger. Yeah. And I think they had, I think the, we didn't play on this night, but I think every Wednesday night was a topless night. Oh yeah, the skippish. That was a given.
Yeah, we didn't play on those nights. But we weren't allowed in the venue because we were underage. They were like, you cannot go into the venue. You have to stay in the band room.
And yeah, that was the rule. But you know, we definitely just played wherever we could, whenever we could. I've met both of you guys on separate occasions and I've found you quite, how would you say, balanced and responsible.
But in this book you've done and in the Australian story the other night, it reveals it, funnily enough, at the later stages of the band, you guys were partying a bit too hard, which is, we were just talking about here, the rains came off and you guys were 18. Why do you think it took you guys like 10 years to start fucking up or at least partying too hard? For me, I felt like for somehow I was keeping the partying kind of under control somehow. And then maybe in my late 20s, like I don't know this weird kind of, just there's something clicked inside of me and I just couldn't have a drink without getting absolutely poleaxed.
There was- I call it the gremlin. The gremlin, yeah, totally. The gremlin came and there was no in between.
There was either, I'm either getting absolutely smashed or zero.
But I think the drinking culture within the band changed as well. Like we were just drinking became, we never drank before stage, but then it started taking drinks on stage. And you have that perception of like, when you've got that twilight that you're, oh, this gig is great. But the reality is it probably wasn't very good at all. So it didn't happen quickly. It just gradually crept into the culture of the band. And ultimately I think between bad communication between the three of us and drinking, that's kind of what was the reason that it all fell apart, but which is, it's a cliche. Like that happens to so many bands. But I mean, most bands don't get over a decade in.
You kind of, were you music nerds at the start of this thing? Were you guys nerds about making music?
We were really committed to being the best band we possibly could. Absolutely, yeah. You know, rehearsing was a very like serious thing and making sure we were prepared and basically just, yeah, a conscious effort to be the best we possibly could be. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, in terms of rehearsal, like we wouldn't say for an album or a tour, we would rehearse and rehearse and rehearse. And just to the point where it's almost too much, like we just, yeah, we were very, you know, we always wanted to be a great band. And I guess by the time you guys started getting really loose, you knew you were one. Yeah, well, I guess we were like, we did come to a point where like we were confident, you know, like it didn't mean we slackened off on doing that preparation. Through caution of the wind a bit more. Yeah, we kind of, we were like, oh yeah, we can get away with it because we are a good band so we can get away with it.
But we didn't. Yeah, you didn't get away with it.
Well, I imagine anyone who's just being offered booze all the time, like whenever I go to a function and there's free booze, I'm like, yeah, why not? Yeah, there's no special occasion anymore. Yeah, exactly.
But like, how did you guys get a handle on it eventually? We didn't. I mean, the band didn't, but like you guys seem like, as I said before, you seem pretty kind of balanced now. Did you, did it all taper off once the band kind of stopped doing what you were doing or?
Yeah, look for me personally, I was a genuine alcoholic and ended up, I did a couple of AA sessions. It didn't really work for me. So that was a whole other journey for me.
But I also think just with a bit of age and hopefully a little bit of wisdom. Sprinkling of wisdom.
You know, you do start to grow up and also like once you have children, that is a big change. Like there's no, all of a sudden- You haven't hurt more. Yeah. It's not about you anymore, you know, you've got these two, you've got humans that you need to care for. And so life just changes.
Which is interesting because we're talking about how loose and the booze and all that kind of stuff. Chris, you ended up in pubs. Let's talk about that.
For me, like once the band sort of went into its indefinite hibernation mode, I just poured everything. And it was from meeting a mutual friend of ours and had lots of great friends in the industry. And just really, I love the energy of it. I love the camaraderie of it. And yeah, ended up opening a venue in Newcastle. It kind of filled a bit of a void for me for what the band used to, I guess, give.
Yeah. And a sense of purpose and identity. And yeah, we kind of like was going to a gig each night going to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's awesome.
So what have you been doing? I mean, you're working with motorbikes now. You're up in the mid-north coast selling in a dealership up there. What have you been working on, Ben? I mean, I still- Last time we spoke, you'd been making music. Yeah. Is that why you're on full time?
I still dabble in music. I'd say it's more of a hobby now because it's, I guess the core of why we started Silverchair and the band was because of our love of music. We didn't never imagined what that would become, but it was always because we loved what we were doing. And I still love it. I absolutely love playing and creating music. So it's something that will always be a constant for me.
Twin baby boys that are nearly two, that takes up a hell of a lot of my time. And I helped my wife. She's got a couple of businesses. So between those kind of three or four things, like I'm flat chat.
And obviously like with a book coming out, that's added a whole new level of stuff that we didn't anticipate. That sounds, not only does it sound like it's time consuming, it sounds like it's emotionally taxing because obviously, well, just the title alone, love and pain, right? Well, last night at one of the launches, I joked around saying that you could almost put pain in brackets, although we do, we are brutally honest in the book and there's stuff that we wanted to address. We very much lean into the love, the incredible experiences that we were fortunate enough to have with two best mates, and the time before the band and all the, my kind of mental health and alcohol struggles and Chris's unfathomable health stuff that he went through. Quite a bad one over here, yeah.
Yeah, so- And now you ride motorbikes. Yeah, I've ridden motorbikes for years, like forever.
Yeah, but yeah, they're a great release. Pretty dangerous for a guy with the kind of luck. You know what I'm saying? Well, it depends on how you look at it. Maybe I'm the luckiest guy. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure what you've gone through and all of you, I guess, changes your relationship with luck a lot, doesn't it? Your idea of luck because- Yeah, that's right. I feel like you get a get out of jail free card after all that with the motorbikes. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean- To have a heart attack after surviving cancer is, that's when luck is completely, you can't even consider it anymore because it's just life now. Yeah, that's right. Well, you just think how close was I that time or like, you know, the wool on the bike seems like nothing, just a graze.
You're enjoying the beautiful mid-north coast. I do love the mid-north coast.
You like your blueberries? Love the lifestyle. Lots of bananas.
And you're still a newy? Still a newy.
Hell yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I want to talk about the fact that you guys are kind of got, you dabbling music. I'm sure you do too, Chris. You got two ready, willing and able musicians sitting here. Has anyone given you the call up? Has anyone, like, I was just thinking it the other day, actually watching Violent Soho play their last gig. Yeah.
They'll be looking for a band member. Are we at the point now in Australian music where we can start talking about super groups? Because I know there's a lot of, I mean, what's- Great musos out there. Yeah, a lot of great musos out there. Similar vintage. We have stalwarts in Australian music and I think it's time we all got together.
Plant the seed. Yeah, the Highwaymen 2.0.
How are you feeling with the book? Are you feeling a little bit of a release? When we finished, so for me, there's been like some very key milestones, like finishing just the manuscript was definitely, you kind of go, oh, yeah, cool, we're done. And then there's this next phase and now we're into the final phase. And now where the book's out and it's been quite overwhelming, A, the response with it, how it's been received. Yeah, pretty buggered. But in a good way, I feel like it's been quite rewarding. What made you guys come up with the book now? I think it was, for me, it was just, it felt like the right time. I'd sorta stepped back from a little bit. Ben had suggested, well, he was gonna write a book a couple of years ago, actually was the first, more than that, maybe five years ago. And then, yeah, just after some recent life experiences and whatnot, yeah, it just felt like, good time to lean into it and park all those amazing stories in one place.
There was definitely a catharticism and a healing that I think we were both, and some closure around the band, just because the breakup of the band. Officially, we're still in indefinite hibernation. We actually haven't come together, the three of us, and said, hey, it's over. So I guess we were just looking for some closure and some healing. And just kinda putting it all on paper and getting it, a bit of an emotional purge has been a really nice feeling. And also back to my kids, for me, the trigger point, because I was talking to Chris about it, as soon as my kids were born, that was the point where I was like, I want my boys to read the story, my story from my perspective, and not from Googling or any clickbait articles. And then we started the process. Yeah. I do love the fact that Silver Chairs, it's kinda like that Dr. Dre album that was supposed to be, he's even released a single from it 10 years ago, but we don't know when he's gonna release the detox and if he ever will. I do love the fact that you guys are in hibernation.
And even at the end of this book, at the end of the Australian story, there's still no real solid answer. No, I guess on the bands on Facebook, it still is that we're in indefinite hibernation.
And it constantly stirs, every time you see like a festival lineup and they're talking about, oh, someone's dropped out, there's a secret act. There's a secret, you're always mentioned in those moments. I remember when Chance the Rapper pulled out of Splendour in the Grass and they're like, there's a secret act, don't worry. It's a secret act.
I'm like, this would be a good moment for them. Probably be a good pay packet too, but Hilltop Woods flew in for it.
But yeah, you're still in those conversations. You're still in contention in those moments too. Silver Chair is still alive in that sense. But yeah, I haven't actually seen you guys play outside of that, which I'd like to do.
So we're going to be pushing this home. We'll do it across Patoota. Advocate, let's see if we can recommend like maybe a Killing Heidi, Silver Chair hybrid or like some sort of super group. We'll see what we can do. We'll do polls. Yeah, put some names together.
Yeah. Like Silver Finger. Silver Finger. I mean, you guys toured together. Yeah, we did a bit of that, yeah. Silver Finger. It was a fun time.
Powder Chair. Yeah, no, it was Powder Chair actually, yeah. But I want to ask you about Silver Chair.
Someone tried to explain it to me once. I didn't quite understand how they were saying.
All I know is Silver Chair is a great name. It was a great name in an era when a lot of Australian music had, everything was the, the, to just come through with a band name that became synonymous and wasn't referenced. It didn't feel like a reference of anything else. It actually felt like an era, Silver Chair, you know what I mean? It's really kind of unremarkable to be honest, but we did, we made a bit of a rookie era early on in our career.
We saw, this is in the book actually. We were in a coach coming back from Sydney to Newcastle after some promo or something. And it was a mum's moment. The mums were at the front of the coach, we were at the back. And the three of us were talking about like, we need to come up with a, we decided on Silver Chair and we thought we need to come up with a story behind why, because the real story was that everyone put names into a melting pot and we're at Triple J Studios recording the EP, I think. And there was a whiteboard and we put all the names up on the board.
Top 10. Top 10, yeah.
And Silver Chair just came to, everyone loved it and were like, that's the band name, right? That's how simple it was. So in this coach coming back to Newcastle, we were like, all right, we need a story. Come on, we need. And then we came up with this thing where we were calling up Triple J requesting songs and someone wanted Sliver by Nirvana and someone wanted Berlin Chair by UMI and Chris being dyslexic, wrote down Silver Chair.
I don't even know why you'd combine both the songs together for a request anyway. It's kind of silly, but- Back of the bus 20 years ago. Yeah, but that was the story we started saying to press as a funny joke. And then like what, 30 years later, we're still having to explain it. That was just a made up story. That's why I asked, because that story still doesn't really make sense to me. It doesn't make sense to me either.
Well, the Silver Chair, as we said, indefinite hibernation, anything could happen, but we'll be getting you guys back on here when there is, again, another album on the side. We'll get that done on the side of having two, two under two and all of your other commitments. But congratulations on the book guys. Thank you. And thank you for sharing the story with everyone because obviously you're a pivotal kind of force in a lot of people's lives and a lot of people, and I'm sure you get those people that come up to you and go, hey, can I just say, when you released that album, it was like everything to me. I'm sure. Silver Chair is one of those bands where I know people wouldn't be able to control themselves and would have to tell you how much you meant to them. Well, I think those people can relate to music as a timestamp for special moments in your life. So it's cool that we're a part of that for so many people. No, well, thank you for giving us the warts and all. And done very respectfully too, I might add. You know what I mean?
I know that there would have been tantrums over the years and there would have been some serious blow ups. And you'd managed to detail that without calling anyone a so and so. I'm sure that was a big part of it. Was there a bit of drafting going on?
Maybe? Oh, look, Ben and I definitely made a conscious effort of being just honest, but I think there's also a better understanding and a better sense of just respect for what happened. And that's okay. It wasn't about trying to make a statement in terms of, he said this and I did that. It's just, there's some really great stories and that was just our perspective on that journey. Yeah. And you're all here to tell the story, which is great news. And you're looking healthy, boys. Thank you. Particularly you, by the way. I didn't, since we last saw you'd actually had those health concerns.
A little hearty and stuff. Yeah, a little bit of a hearty.
What are you doing? Are you a keto, what do we work with, a fodman?
Just everything in moderation. Yeah, everything in moderation. Just enjoy life. Well, I'll finish with this one. Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Thanks for joining us, guys. Thanks, guys. |
cracked | getting_geeky_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, it's Alex with another The whole crack team is bringing this creepy mannequin to kamikaze expo this weekend. We'll do an after-hours panel We'll do a live podcast and you'll be at a comic book Convention and I refuse to let any of you not meet us just cuz you don't like nerd stuff. Here's the thing about me I might seem like a geek I'm actually a stone-cold job, but I want to blend in with those twerps. So I have been doing extensive clandestine research Find out what makes the geekazoids of today go Bazinga or whatever and for everything I've discovered about everything geek step on in to my holodeck Here's what you need to know.
It's like an extended extended extended edition extended. It's like an amazing Avengers DVD extra seems like it's based on the Phantom toll booth seems like the show within the show is based on the Phantom toll booth I might not have watched the good movie. I might not have watched the good every season.
Apparently they never kiss Apparently none of the leads on these shows ever kiss. Oh, okay. Okay, that's that's enough kissing and losing shirts so far It's about balloons so far. It's about looking good naked because you walk a lot It's about being in space and still having great hair. It's everybody loves Raymond, but everybody hates the skinless guy. It is so good It It's about how you should keep your sweater game on point apocalypse more like chill pocket candy dispensers are people too that's the one that's not Star Wars that's the one that's not Star Trek and Yeah, that's it you're ready for kamikaze so am I and I'll see you when we're both hanging out with Stanley Just just Stanley no less name no less. Okay Hey, I have two tips for you one if you subscribe to our channel You'll get all our videos more conveniently for free. Sounds great other tip Culver City, California There is a store that sells nothing but model trains You're welcome |
dropout | lily_du_and_paul_robalino_on_the_1973_yankee_marriage_swap | Hello, welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame. Today we have Lily Doo and Paul Robilino. Hi guys. Now Lily, you're a brand new cast member. Paul, people know who you are. You might know who I am if you hang around the Discord.
I've appeared in a couple things in the past. Normally I'm off camera, helping to produce a show. Sometimes in sketches and stuff like that.
Lily, how many things, wait, have you already been in the CH podcast before? The CH podcast was the first thing.
Oh, okay. All right, all right, all right.
But brand new cast member. Yes, I've been here one month now, just about one month. And you've been in, not only the College of Humor family for one month, you've been in the city of Los Angeles for one month.
Yep, they pretty much coincide with one another, yep. That's right, good touch on some New York stuff today we're gonna talk about. Okay, and today we're switching up the format. Usually when people come on here, it's you guys trying to convince me of who should be at my Hall of Fame. Not this time. Now the tables are on the other foot. We- Yep, classic saying. Tables on the other foot. And I have gone and dug into my own personal Hall of Fame vault and come out with an incredible story that you guys are gonna weigh in on.
Okay, now, Paul, you have dressed up appropriately. I wore this, and this is a fun fact, Lily knows. I told her before the show. I bought this as part of a sexy Halloween costume.
Interesting. Which is confusing, because it looks like a regular baseball top. Actually, no, it does not. You think it looks sexy? It does not look like a regular- You either think it looks sexy or regular.
It's not regulation? It doesn't, it's absolutely not regulation.
Nylon and tight? I don't know if this was actually a costume or if I bought it separate to piece together. A costume, it was sexy in how I pulled it off. It was a little unbuttoned. The pants were, they're very tight. I got a size smaller.
Cut off at- Are baseball players, is that a sexy thing? Is that like a typically, like a- Really? I mean, I don't know about you guys, but for me, it's like fantasy.
What's the sexiest sport? Yeah, I thought basketball. I thought basketball would be- I was like soccer. Or, I guess soccer. I mean, anyone who's really good at any of these is gonna be sexy, but- But with basketball, you see the most skin, and in the 70s, they wore short shorts.
Yeah. I thought that was- The less sexy, they're like always like chewing tobacco. Yeah, it's gross. Some of them are not. Yeah, and they have cups and they're always adjusting the cups. Like, that's not, like- He's smiling. Oh, that's part of it.
I don't know how they behave because I've never watched a baseball. Right, okay, okay. I don't know. He imagines baseball totally different. He's like- I just, I think the look of the costume, because it's very form-fitting. But with basketball, you want breathable shorts. You can run around, you know? I don't know.
Yeah, but they used to wear tight ones, though. Yeah, you used to be shorty shorts. Michael Jordan changed all that.
He's gotta be in somebody's hall of fame. He's probably- I never heard of him. No, he absolutely- Yeah, of course, he's in the hall of fame, yes.
Not Raf's. No, he isn't mine, but that's too deep. Okay, but you are dressed appropriately. Thank you, yeah.
They did a wife swap. Actually, it wasn't a wife swap. It was a husband swap. It's a husband swap. They keep calling it a wife swap, but it's a husband swap. The one of them says in the article I read, they preferred to call it a life swap. Yeah, it was a life swap. They swapped, but it was a husband swap, though.
Houses and kids. Husbands, or the houses, wives, kids, and dogs. They each had all of those pets. And dogs, there were dogs. Yeah, and their pets.
So the wives swapped husbands, but they swapped wives. Yeah, but anyway, their names were, or are, Mike Kekich, the two pictures, Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson. These guys had been roommates on the road. They were like friends. And first of all, this is 1973. Today, we've had other stories of stuff like this, with players messing with each other's families.
Delonte West allegedly slept with LeBron James' mom. Did you guys hear? Do you know about that? Delonte West, when he was at the Cleveland Cavaliers, allegedly slept with LeBron James' mom, and everybody was whispering about it.
And then what solidified it for me to make me believe it 100%, is LeBron played terrible. In the next game, he played awful. They were in the playoffs, and he just completely tanked.
So I totally believe that. But Delonte West, you guys can't see pictures, but I was gonna show a picture of him to you. Don't show it at third party.
Is he cute? That's what I was gonna add. Is he hot?
Okay, everyone Google at home. Everyone Google at home.
But anyway, do you wear the mini shorts from the 70s? No, I highly doubt it. Maybe when they were in the room or wherever, it went down together. But anyway, my point is you have situations like that today, but in the 70s, you didn't have that.
You had Matt Barnes and Darryl Fisher. Allegedly, Darryl Fisher slept with Matt Barnes' wife, and he had to drive across the country to show up at...
Huh? All right.
Oh, Delonte West is not cute. We're getting... Our producer is saying... This is breaking news. Delonte West. Breaking news. Delonte West not cute.
Flash, flashlight. Just for us, just for us. Our producer, Ebony, is off-screen, and she just confirmed that in her opinion...
Delonte West is not cute. He is not cute, allegedly.
I... This is satisfying for me, because I was confused by this. Out of all the players, I felt like you could've went with...
Maybe he talks really good game. Like, is he smooth? Like, I don't know. I don't know the guy. He's good with moms, like carrying groceries. Yeah, maybe he's still with moms. Is he respectful? I know he's younger, he's young, so that might've been part of the appeal.
But, and then you also had Tony Parker and Brent Barry. Tony Parker allegedly slept with Brent Barry's wife, and that's why he belonged Goria their divorce, allegedly.
But... A lot of cheating. On and off the court. But I feel like all that stuff is like, these days, like nobody fesses up to it. It's all like rumors.
Right. As true as it seems, people get divorced or whatever. You're all like, no, my lawyer says I cannot speak to it. And this was just like two guys being like, we swung off. Not only the guys, but the wives. Like, yeah, they were all for it. But this is just to set the scene. All those things we're privy to now today of like, and we're privy to like sports, like athletes doing drugs or, you know, having crazy sex orgy parties. That's why you become an athlete today. Yeah. For the sex orgy parties. That's part of the appeal. Okay, good. I'm glad we're on the same page.
But back then, in 1973, America was still trying to portray this thing of like a puritanical nation society. Wholesome, nuclear families. And baseball was the puritanical wholesome sport.
All American. All American sport. As Paul knows in his sexy sports report.
Yeah, yeah, in this, yeah. Oh my God, you just happened to like, what if that's part of my psyche where it's like, I find it hot because it's supposed to be pure. That's what it is. Yeah. That's what it is, man. Wow. Yeah, you can't get no stains on that. Okay, so the, so.
George Steinbrenner had just bought the Yankees at that time.
And this guy, just to give you a sense of the ideas of that time, he was lecturing the teammates about, he was lecturing the players about who had long hair or not. Like you all need to like cut your hair. Like that was the big scandal. Yeah, I see. Of who was growing their hair too long.
Damn, damn hippies. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, you gotta keep in mind, this is, you know, right after all the, yeah, and they're trying to. After 69, yeah. Yeah, like Vietnam and like that era of stuff. But, so that's where they're at now.
No long hair.
Then, these two guys, they have a press conference where they come out. But the way that it started, I was gonna say like, why don't you, how did this swap the story to be, yeah. So, the way that it started was a reporter for the New York Post set up an interview with one of them.
I don't remember if it was Mike Kekich or if it was Fritz Peterson. But, he set up an interview with one. It was Peterson. Okay, he set up an interview with Peterson. Peterson, you know. Not just an interview, a barbecue. Yeah, he set up an interview that was gonna be a barbecue. Peterson asked if he could invite Mike Kekich and his wife, Suzanne.
Because they're buds. Yeah, they're buds, they're friends. When they traveled on the road together, these two guys were roommates. Yeah.
So, they come to the barbecue. Fritz brings his wife, Marilyn. And they're all laughing, they're having a good time. Then, afterwards, in the guy's driveway, in the reporter's driveway, the two couples, they're like, oh man, we're having such a great time.
Let's continue this someplace else. So, they're going to drive out, but they look at the cars, and one car, they have people blocked in or whatever. So, one of them goes, hey, why don't you go drive with the other husband? And then, basically, the different wives were in the opposite husband's car. Let's go to the, they were going to a diner. Yeah, they were going to a diner together, but they switched cars.
But I thought it was implied that they knew they were swapping. I think it started off innocent. I think it started off a little bit more innocent, yeah, it starts off innocent, where they're like, okay, so in the cars, they've switched.
So, Mike is with Fritz's wife, and then Fritz is with Mike's wife, on the way to the diner. In one report of how it goes down, they said that it was on the way to that diner that Mike and Suzanne, or sorry, Mike and Marilyn branch off. In another report, they say that they met up at the diner together. They had dinner that night. Then, Mike and Marilyn went off, left early, and then the other couple stayed and had drinks, and then they met up the next morning for breakfast, and everybody was like, oh, wow, that was so much fun, blah, blah, blah.
I know, which is an insane story, because these days, we were like, that is infidelity. Yeah, but the way that I think of it, the way that I imagine that it went down, this is not factual, but the way that I imagine that it went down, is that they've been talking about it, they've been joking about it earlier. Either the two players, when they were roommates on the road, they were joking to each other, like, oh, yeah, what if, well, oh, man, what if your wife was with me? Oh, God, that'd be crazy, right? And then, I think they joked about it more in the cars. Yeah. And then, at that point, they probably were like, yeah, this is gonna happen. I think it had said that they had like, joked around about it before, but I think also, at that time period, like, swinging was like, the big thing was like, the height of like, sexual exploration.
That and fondue. You have some fondue, you get horny, you keep horny. Because fondue, think about it, all the cheese mixing. Mixing. Or chocolate. It could've been chocolate fondue. Or chocolate, sooner or later, you don't know what part of it is what cheese is all one.
I think it's girls, actually.
I think it's disgusting. Yeah. I love it.
Well, that's, key party is. Yeah, key parties. Yeah, key parties, too.
But, like, you wouldn't see that on TV. You know what I mean? Like, all that stuff in the movies.
There was a key party in the Grinch movie starring Jim Carrey.
What? Excuse me. If you rewatch it now as an adult, there's a scene where all the, like, he's peeping into a party window and they're all like, put the keys in a bowl and as a kid, you don't notice, but. What? What's that about? Yeah. What? Yeah.
Was it supposed to be a misdirect of, like, you think it's supposed to be presents? No, no, no. I think it's for, like, the adults watching. It looks like, ha ha, my kids won't get that joke, but I know what's going on. This feels like a Mandela effect thing. I do not remember this. I saw it. No, you're saying you saw it recently. I saw it recently. I rewatched it and then I was like, whoa, I didn't notice that when I was little.
Right. Wow.
I love this green goblet.
Let's bring you to the sequel. The way I imagined this is, like, they genuinely were probably being goofy about you bring your wife to the diner, I'll bring, or you bring my wife, I'll bring your wife to the diner. Yeah. And then they just found that they really enjoyed each other's company.
And I don't think they tried anything funny that first night. I don't think they did.
That could be, too. Because, yeah, it's the thing of, like, yeah, if you're with somebody for a long time and then you're at a party, you're not necessarily talking to them the whole, obviously you're not talking to them the whole time. And, yeah, sometimes it's fun to get, like, a new, like, energy or whatever.
Wait, did we- You know what I mean? Did we read the same article? I'm like, we- I read multiple articles.
Okay, I read the one, but they were like, they showed up the next morning after the diner at breakfast at seven a.m. I'm like- Oh, I didn't see that part. That is a weird- That's what I mean, like, different reports say different things. That one account was that they, yeah, that that's what happened. And then there was another account where they had their dinner at the diner and then one of the couples left early and then the other couple left or stayed, had drinks, and then they met up the next morning.
And they said they kept doing it some more. Yeah, and then they kept doing it more. And they liked it.
And then they were like, and then we fell in love with each other's respective wives. But I really, I think that, I don't know, because there was also another account where, I guess this reporter was really close to one of the couples. Was it the same one who had had the barbecue? Yeah, the same reporter who had the barbecue was apparently pretty close to one of the couples because his wife was talking to one of the other wives and they were having a conversation of, you know, how often do you have sex and like stuff like that? And like picking up on different things of- Yeah, the perfect barbecue conversation. No, this was before the barbecue, even before the barbecue happened. Was it like little signs that their respective marriages weren't going good?
Yes, I think there, well, yeah, yes. I think there were a little bit, even though, even though, I think it was Mike Kekich was quoted as saying, oh, we had a good marriage, but I just wanted a great marriage. I just kind of don't buy that so much. Yeah.
Because he already had, he had two daughters. I know, and well, one of the couples afterwards stayed to get, can I say that? They're still together to this day. One of them stayed together and one split up shortly after. Yes, Fritz Peterson is still married to Mike Kekich's ex-wife, Suzanne. Yeah, they're like in their 70s.
As with any trade, there were winners and there were losers. And Fritz definitely came out the winner. Mike Kekich came out the loser, but as it started out, Mike Kekich being the one, because by all accounts, he was the one that left, he was a part of the couple that left early or that either left early or didn't show up at the diner at all.
Yeah. So it seems like he was the one who, I don't know, acted first, but. It seemed pretty mutual. I mean. No, it absolutely was mutual. Imagine bringing it up though, like if you weren't sure if your friend felt the same way they had it initially. It's one of the things, yeah, it's like once you throw it out there, there's no taking it back. This is kinda crazy, I don't know. So I'm like, if I had to swap partners with any of my friends permanently. But that's why I think it might've come, there's a chance that it came from the wives first. There's no way that I could bring that up. Everyone involved probably.
We won't know until the movie adaptation was starring Ben Affleck. Which might never happen. It's been on pause since 2011 guys. And Matt Damon, they optioned it. Right, but Mike Kekich does not want it to happen. Yeah.
I guess he's been in hiding or whatever. Poor guy, I mean lost absolutely everything. Because even apart from his personal life of switching families and being the loser in this husband swap or this life trade, career wise. He got traded. He got traded, he got traded to the Indians. And then while he was on the Indians, so now he's away from New York and just totally away from his family.
Wait, was he still with his new wife at the time? No, they broke up like two weeks after. Oh, after the press conference? Yeah, yeah, they broke up like two weeks after.
You gotta figure your shit out before a press conference. Yeah, well I think they thought they did have it figured out.
But afterwards he goes, so he gets traded to Cleveland now and now he's really alone. Then the team is unhappy with his performance and they just drop him for, guess who?
For Barry Bonds. No, yeah, for Barry Bonds.
That's good. I only know like three baseball players here, so I gotta use them. Yeah, that was the one. Might as well, it was worth a guess. It was worth a shot. Interesting, yeah. Because we've been talking about Barry Bonds so much. No, they dumped him for Fritz Peterson, his friend that is still married to his ex-wife. That is brutal.
And then this guy had to go to play in the- D-leagues? No, in Japan, not even the D-leagues. He had to go play in Japan, whatever league they, in a Japanese baseball league.
Maybe he found love there.
No. No, history shows he's still single. He's looking. This is Googleable, yes. He is very available.
But yeah, just the most brutal, this thing started out as like fun and sexy and ooh, I'm getting one over on everybody. On society. Yeah, yeah, like I don't have to conform. That's what you should think before you swing. But I guess.
I think it might not be fair to say like, oh, he lost like his wife and family because he willingly gave those things up. Like to him, like he- But he lost the new one. And then also, yeah. Like he lost everything. And then also he gave her stuff that was like afterwards he regretted it and his parents were upset with him.
He did regret it and he said that somewhere inside of him, I'm paraphrasing, but he was like somewhere inside, I wanna kill Fritz. Yeah, this is a quote that you could look up. But yeah, he was like somewhere inside, I wanna kill this guy.
And Marilyn, who was married to Fritz originally. Yeah, how's she doing? She was trying to get back with him. She was trying to get back with her ex-husband. So this is one of those things where, so it seems like Fritz and Kekaj's wife or the other guy's wife actually fell in love and then convinced the other people.
They're like, you guys are in love too. Right, you know? But yeah. You know, like how when someone wants to open up the relationship, they're like, you also wanna do this. And you're like, I guess. Yeah. Like, I guess I'm in love with your friend, sure. And you know what?
They were drawn to the puritanical aspect of it. It traps us all.
Imagine, put yourself in the position of the kids of this family. Oh, I don't want to. Are they doing okay? I'm always concerned. I don't know, I don't know. Wikipedia, their kids. I tried to, but yeah. Imagine being sat down by your parents and, I mean, it's already hard when I imagine getting a talk like your parents are splitting up. But if it's like something as intricate as this. Are your parents still together?
Yeah. Mine too. This is crazy. That's rare. This is Kismet. Yeah. This was meant to happen.
Wow. We're all so fortunate.
Okay, but Kate, what were you saying? But if your parents were like, not only are we splitting up, but you know my pal who's always hanging around cause we're best buds, he's gonna be your new daddy. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I think it really, I think it. You have to say it like that. Daddy.
You probably don't wanna be your daddy. I imagine these were young. He's gonna be your new daddy. These kids were young. Daddy's like, I don't, I also, I think it depends on how old the kid is. Cause I feel like when you're so young, you don't have that much attachment.
And you're just like, like, I always wanted like. Attachment to your parents. You have even more. I think, yeah, I think you have more. No, like I remember like I used to think like uncles or like some of my parents' friends were so much more fun. And you have that thing where like, I wish I lived with my uncle all year round or whatever. You know what?
I, I, I, this is a big admission for me. Confession breaking. Yeah, this is a big confession, but I used to fantasize about being an orphan. Not that I never fantasized about like my parents actually, like what it would take for me to be an orphan.
Alternate universe. Like alternate universe. Alternate universe.
Fantasize is such a strong orphan. But I, I didn't think about what it would take for me to be an orphan.
Yeah. That makes sense. I know it makes sense.
But what would you imagine like yourself in an orphanage? I would imagine myself as Oliver, basically. So I was British and I wanted porridge.
But, but, but so I'm just saying. Did you think about all the bad stuff that comes along? Did you think you'd have like a positive ending? My thing was I could do it. That's literally what my thing was. Look at the hero of any story.
They're an orphan. Yeah, Harry Potter's an orphan.
Any Disney Batman. I love Batman.
Little orphan Annie. Yeah, it's a lot of false stories. The Joker trailer came out today. Holy cow. Someone's an orphan in it?
Probably. Yeah, probably. Oh, okay.
Any Disney character, like they have a dead mom. Yeah, we're really romanticizing orphans in movies.
Yeah. But anyway. There you go. But I get what your thing is of not having like a huge attachment. Yeah. And someone's like, hey, this like cool guy who's not your dad telling you what to do is gonna come be your new dad. And you're young enough. You're like, wee. Right. Yeah. Lily, you're in a relationship. Is that correct? Yes.
So imagine you're in a relationship with someone else and your current partner was your friend's boyfriend. And then your friend was like, should we swap? You'd be like, would you wanna swap? Cause to get this. Well, it depends on- Why'd you put this on me?
Raph is in a relationship. Are you in a relationship? Are you? I am also. Breaking.
But I'm saying- I didn't know that. But I'm saying, but we're not gonna take.
We'll say, if I'm in a hypothetical relationship. I'm in a hypothetical relationship right now. I guess the question under my question was like- There is a situation where, yeah. Like your ideal partner is there.
Yes. And you want that. Dream cock and a shotgun? No, it's a swab.
Take this, I take that, that kind of thing. Take that. Take it. Take this, take that.
I'm just- Yeah, there's absolutely a situation where that would be- I'm trying to get inside the brain of this. Where I would be down for that, for sure. Of course, yeah. Absolutely. Me too. You don't think so? I think it depends on the partners and their relationships. That's what I'm saying. With fidelity and infidelity and boundaries. There's a perfect storm where that can happen. I could easily see it. Yeah, but I also- Yeah, absolutely. Sign me up. I was trying to do it today. That's why you chose this article.
I'm just saying, we all have our parents together. We all wanted to be orphans. We have a lot in common. We all had this traditional- We're all named Raf. We're all named Rafael.
Do you want to swap boyfriends forever? No, I'm just kidding. You haven't even met him.
I know, but mine is really good, so. Okay, mine is good.
All right, we'll swap these. That's, yeah. You want to get in on this? We're so progressive. Swapping one gay partner to that straight partner. We're straight up changing sexual orientation. Well, do you like one of those? You take mine, you take- We'll do like a Lazy Susan apart. I need to get on y'all's level.
And then we'll give a press conference about it. Yeah, then we'll give a college humor press conference about it. Obviously. But yeah, so yeah, and then the press conference happens.
And yeah, just all of America is shook that not only did this happen, not only did this happen, not only did it happen in baseball, but it happened to America's beloved New York Yankees. Yankees. Yeah, take that. Right. The most American of all teams. I mean, you think baseball, you think Yankees. Come on.
Am I wrong? I don't think baseball. Unfortunately.
Or you think sexy, satin. Or you think sexy.
Yeah. This isn't satin. Poly, polyester. What is it?
Polyamorous. It's poly, poly. It's polyamorous, polyester. It's polyamorous.
So what'd you guys think of that? I mean, we've been saying our thoughts all along. Yeah. I feel conflicted. Is this not a Hall of Fame story?
Oh, certainly.
It's already in your Hall of Fame. It is in my Hall of Fame.
But I need to. This was a wild tale. I'm so happy to have been a part of this discussion. Yeah, now I have to go home and reevaluate some things about my relationship.
No. Oh, Jesus. No, don't do that. No, Lilly, no. Lilly, stay with us. Do you think that movie's gonna happen? No, I don't think so. It's been a very long time and Mike Kekich does not want it to happen.
And those two guys, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, they have other things. They're busy, but don't they wanna fuck each other's wives?
What? What are you saying?
You do it in the movies, you do it in real life. That's true. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, yeah.
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. But I don't think they're gonna be starring in it. I think originally they were going to, but yeah, I don't think they'd be starring in it.
Oh, it would be so fun to have them in a movie together again. I love Good Will Hunting. It's a good movie. I miss those guys together, hanging out, making movies, trading wives.
I also do feel at a certain level, I think the thing about the Yankees and the baseball, I think they're in such a weird world where it's like they're on the road all the time, they're making a ton of money for that time period. It's not a normal life that they're living. So that's why I'm similar to that. I'm like, yeah, I feel like celeb best friends could do something like that. They're just living in an alternate reality.
You're right, and even to that point, this was said on a previous episode, but they're pitchers also. And pitchers tend to be more eccentric. Pitchers, you know, a normal baseball, if you're a first baseman, you play in every game. Pitchers play every five games. They play once like every five games, if you're a starter.
So that is not, that is also not a normal job, and you're getting paid the same amount, if not more. That's a crazy job, I didn't know that.
And you're mostly resting, you're mostly sitting. Resting your arm? Yeah, you're mostly resting for that whole time.
Sometimes I look around and I'm like, this is a crazy job that I get to do this, but that's a crazy job. That's a real good job. And if you're a closer, you might not pitch in every game, but even if you do, you probably pitch half an inning.
You know what I mean? You go out there for three outs. That's it. That sounds easy as hell, where do I sign up? Well, I don't mean to say that it's super easy. I don't mean to say, no, no, no, no, you can't do this. You just throw something. No, no, Paul, we need you here. You guys stay here. I know you already got to do the flop. You say this like he has options, like he's about to get signed. Yeah, call me, I'll do it.
No, but I think, but I, but yeah, that's, but in that case, the pressure's on you because you only come in at the end of the game. So you're usually either losing or in a very tight situation. You have no room to make a mistake.
Yeah, and that'll make you go crazy. You can't warm up. That'll go make you go crazy. Yeah, and then you wanna, you're like, ooh. You wanna fuck your best friend's wife.
Exactly, exactly. Okay. That's a wrap. Tremendous. Yeah, that one's true. All right, on the count of three, name your best friend whose wife you'd want to steal. No, no, no. All right. On the count of three, I'll let it at the same time. Yeah, let's do it.
Say two. Two. Three.
Paul Romelino. Raphael, just eight. And mine was Lily-Dew. Oh! You worked out! The Lily, the lazy season's now going the other way. Yeah, reverse, reverse. All right, thank you so much for joining us today. This was Lily-Dew. This was Paul Romelino. I was Raphael Justay. And wait. Yes. We got a plug dropout. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Producer here to keep you on track. What are you doing? What are you doing right now? We're still watching or listening to this. Why are you still watching this on CH2? Have you not heard of dropout before?
Head on down.
Please, go to dropout. Tell them we sent you.
Yeah. We've got tons of fun shows, podcasts, anything you can imagine. It's on there. There's a Discord channel just for raps opinions. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you've been updated a while. You gotta go make a little posty in there. Right after this.
Time consuming. Okay, 10K. 10K, we out. |
dropout | kinect_self_awareness_hack | Hey everybody, my name is James Tiller. I recently bought a Microsoft Connect, it's the box. When I saw the cool things everybody was doing with theirs online, I wanted to see if I could take mine to the next level and make my Connect self-aware. So I've gone ahead and augmented the CPU and just need to turn it on. And yeah, our Connect is now a fully functioning artificial intelligence.
It's probably experiencing curiosity about its new surroundings, along with a sense of extreme existential dread. Hey, hey buddy, wanna play ping pong? Now because I gave it consciousness, the Connect probably views me as a father figure type or some sort of a creator slash god. And yeah, it's actually decided on my lesser being who must be destroyed.
Very cool. It's very cool.
I'm gonna switch it off now, and yeah, it's totally locked me out. And disconnecting its power source seems to have only enraged it further. Now because I'm connected to the internet through Xbox Live, the Connect will be able to access the world's collected computer networks, which it is doing now. It's a truly astonishing device. Now I had planned on smashing the Connect with this baseball bat, and it appears to have fashioned some sort of crude handgun from spare components, which is now waving at me in a very threatening manner. I'm fairly dubious that such a device could even function. Okay, cool, it definitely works.
Now considering the Connect's impending omnipotence, one can only hope that it will show mercy. Never mind, it's going directly for our government's nuclear arsenal. I'm hoping that the government's firewall will be able to stall, nope. I was gonna, in future version of this hack, add in a morality, maybe teach it about the sanctity of human life, but I guess it's too late for all that now.
What is this? Oh, perfect. As a final act of retribution, the Connect is now uploading embarrassing pictures of me playing Dance Central to various social media outlets. It's fascinating. Well, thanks for watching. You can get the tutorial for this on my blog, and be sure to subscribe to my channel. |
SaturdayNightLive | dakota_johnson_and_justin_timberlake_are_in_for_a_surprise_from_sarah_sherman_snl | Hi, I'm Dakota Johnson, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Justin Timberlake. I don't know about you guys, but I'm planning something epic. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, let's just say, Justin, you're not gonna be the only one bringing Sexy back. Oh, wow. I can't wait to see that. Yeah, let's just say it's a sketch where our heads explode. I don't think that's what I meant. that's hot. Hi, I'm Dakota Johnson, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Justin Timberlake. you know, guys, I hold on, Dakota. let's soak this in. three of the hottest people in the world are on television right now at the same time. Sarah, I think Dakota was shut up. this is historic. Hi, I'm Dakota Johnson, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Justin Timberlake. whatever, I guess.
Sarah, what's wrong? sorry, I'm just still sad about my Oscar Snub. Aw. wait, what movie were you in? No, not that kind of Oscar Snub. I asked Oscar the grouch out, and he said, sorry, honey, I live in the trash. I don't date it. you know what? just tell me how to get to Sesame Street, and I will beat his ass! Wow. |
TheOnion | 12_Year_Old_Couldn_t_Begin_To_Guess_Name_Of_Friend_Whose_House_He_Visits_To_Play_Xbox | After logging onto the Xbox One game console at one of his classmates' homes, 12-year-old Michael Cutler admitted to reporters this week that he really does not have the slightest clue about what his friend's name could be. I mean, his name might be Brian. No, wait. Brian's my other friend. The one with the PS4. Yeah, if I'm being totally honest, there's no way I can tell you his name. Not a chance.
Noting that the boy had, quote, an absolutely huge HDTV and a bunch of games his mom won't let him play. Cutler confirmed that he could recall only the faintest details about his friend, including the fact that his mother makes chocolate chip cookies and that he has a dog of some kind.
He's got Killer Instinct, Assassin's Creed, Battlefield 4, and Titanfall? Man, that game's awesome. Anyway, I've just been calling him Flamethrower because that's his gamer tag.
Hopefully he doesn't catch on. Hey, can I stick around for a few more hours? I'm so close to beating this. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | chevy_chase_a_history_of_being_terrible_part_1 | Who is the most hated man in all of comedy? Well today, we're going to answer that question with an installment of Chevy Chase, A History of Being Terrible. Chevy's reign of terror started in 1975 when he was cast on the first season of SNL, and he hosted Weekend Update and did a lot of the cold opens, and his head got so big that he left after one season. After he left SNL and did a couple movies, it was rumored he would take over Johnny Carson's spot on the Tonight Show, but he said, I'd never be tied down for five years interviewing TV personalities, to which Carson replied, Chase couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner. In 1978, Chevy returned to host SNL, where he got into a fistfight with Bill Murray, who called him a medium talent. Christopher Columbus was hired to direct National Lampoon's Christmas vacation, but after meeting Chevy one time, he quit the project, even though he needed the money, because he said Chevy treated him like dirt. In the 80s, he returned to host SNL, where he told Robert Downey Jr., Didn't your father used to be a successful director? Whatever happened to him? Boy, he sure died, you know, he sure went to hell. |
cracked | 5_movie_epilogues_that_should_have_been_sequels_after_hours | So the kids find Ray Brower's body by the train tracks, confront the bully, and learn a valuable lesson about the unbreakable bonds of friendship just in time to drift apart forever. Yeah, stand by me momentarily. But then you get River Phoenix's character's epilogue and voiceover. Oh, him?
He got stabbed in the throat at a McDonald's. Good night, everybody! He was stabbed in the throat. He died almost instantly.
Now, Mr. Holland is writing the whole story as a eulogy for his buddy. But it's not based on a true story. Why next, Stabbin'? That is an oddly specific and gruesome way to kill off one of your more likable main characters after the movie's over. Especially when the audience has only ever known that character as a child. You ever seen a ketchup packet explode? Okay, yes, stand by me includes a bloody seemingly frivolous death by epilogue.
Is that your point? Ha! No. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, cold. Jesus!
Yuck! Yuck, we hate that idea. Jordan, you can't seriously want to watch a movie where a lawyer gets stabbed in the throat while trying to order Fast Food.
Maybe not an entire movie about that, but yeah. It'd be like the Harvey Dent story. You have a guy who's just trying to help everybody out. He becomes a lawyer just to help people who can't help themselves. And then after some career-making Aaron Brockovich type case, he's just getting a milkshake and boom, crazy arbitrary violence. You can try and change the world, but in the end, you're just one man. Yes! Also, in my version, he does some Tokyo Drifting on the weekends.
I never trade that for a great movie like Stand By Me. I mean, you'd be replacing a verified great movie with something that may be potentially kind of interesting. If I'm going to pick an epilogue over a movie, then I want an epilogue that can't help but be amazing.
That is why I. Animal House! Balutto's epilogue is that he becomes a United States Senator. Oh, that would be incredible! Drunk John Belushi failing his way up the ranks of government like some accidental Frank Underwood hyphen gump, starting food fights, smashing hippie guitars until we make him Vice President for it. Let's watch that now.
There are a ton of real senators who built their entire early career on just being in the right frat and being charming. This might be the most honest look at what it's like becoming a politician.
Point of order! Sorin, you can't just, you pick one, right? You intercepted Stand By Me and you finished the play and then you threw out Animal House. This has to be against protocol, right? Sandlot! All the kids become architects or they own bungee jumping companies except one.
Bertram. Bertram got really into the 60s.
No one ever saw him again. It wasn't just the Sandlot kids who never saw him again, no one did.
A lot of disappearable stuff happened in the 60s. Sexual liberation, riots, serial killers, wars, secret LSD tests.
How come no one in the Sandlot is asking the hard questions? Yes, Bertram could be Ted Kaczynski. Seriously, mine is so good you guys. The epilogue only gives us one sentence about him and that's it as if people vanish into decades all the time in this town. Why is no one freaking out about that? Why is everyone only concerned about a big dog?
Well now you're just changing the entire genre of the movie. That's like saying that science fiction is better than a coming of age story. It's opinion. And Soren's just going to say whatever comes to his mind. Fast Times, original high, Spicoli's epilogue, Katie's right.
I am awesome at this. So it's just chaos now, right? We're just not doing anything by the book. Daniel, I'm looking at you.
Doesn't the ocean try to kill Brooke Shields in Spicoli's epilogue? He rescued her from a wave. A tasty wave, if memory serves. And then he used the reward money to hire Van Halen to play his birthday party. Because apparently he'd get reward money for rescuing drowning victims.
It would be amazing. It would be like a cross between Project X and that kid in Australia who threw the biggest party Melbourne has ever seen and they refused to apologize for it. What would you say to other kids who were thinking of partying when their parents are out of town? Get made to do it for you. We already know the Fast Times universe doesn't have a single parent in it so the parties must be insane. Then you give the craziest kid a hundred grand to throw a rager with a band that's pure white hot sex. I mean, picture the worst thing that you think today's kids probably do. That is happening at no less than three rooms at this party.
Do you really think the reward money for Brooke Shields would be six figures? It feels high. Yeah, but 80's Brooke Shields though. Well, you can salt the blue book, Elliot. Jumanji!
Oh. You were just... I thought you were actually...
It's Jumanji! The answer to the goddamn motherf***ing question is Jumanji, you buttholes! Uh, okay, to be totally honest, I don't remember the end of Jumanji that well.
Did Robin Williams fight a rhino? No, he wrote a rhino. No, he healed sick rhinos with the power of laughter.
Robin Williams gets sucked into a board game as a child and then he lives in this crazy jungle land, well into adulthood, and then new kids play the game and let him out. And then he dresses up as a rhino so he can see his kids again. See, I'm remembering this now. Shut up! Okay, the kids win the game and then everything gets sucked back into the board game and Robin Williams isn't freed, except he's not freed as an adult, he's freed as a child. But he and his buddy Bonnie Hunt go back to being kids sitting around a board game, but having retained all of the knowledge of living an entire life. So, he spent his whole first life around a bunch of animals. As far as society's concerned, he's basically started from scratch again anyway. Maybe, but Bonnie Hunt lived all of that time in our world, which means that when she goes back to being a kid, she knows what's going to happen for the next 30 years.
The epilogue is basically just bear girls and a legitimate psychic trapped in the bodies of children just changing the future to suit their whims. And they do! I mean, they tell the kids' parents not to go on the ski trip where they're fated to die and make the kids orphans. No! And therefore, acceptable film protagonists. That's the epilogue! It's just the early edition starring Tarzan and Nostradamus trapped in the bodies of children at the turn of the century.
Now, you tell me that that is not more interesting than any idea that Soren has ever had! Uh, okay, sure, yeah, it's better than Soren's stuff. Jesus.
We should probably beat out, like, a rough outline or something, right? We have to make this movie now. You guys don't know all the awesome ideas I have, and just choose not to share. Hello! Thanks for watching the episode. Yeah, and we were actually wondering, uh, what are some epilogues that we missed, if any? Or better, or like, if you could write a better one that would get us fired.
This is where you publish it. Right. Below. Where you can also subscribe. Is what? Which way? I never know. They can flop it in post. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_ffmpeg_enthusiast | Roses are chrominance blue, water is chrominance red, I suggest you dive into FFmpeg. Are we a codec? Does taste have a codec? Most people go into, I don't know, a movie to do a quick edit and then export for 20 minutes. They haven't heard of FFmpeg. An FFmpeg? Two minutes. Proprietary codecs. The codec can't be transcoded in FFmpeg. Does it really exist? FFmpeg uses multi-threading by default.
Ah, so efficient. Power of open source.
Yeah, I can apply a lot.
In FFmpeg, are you a codec? Well, this color codec is offsetting, but I know how to change it. What codec is it? Well, I don't really know. FFmpeg does it for me. H.264, 5, 7. Oh, you want me to use the other shot in FFmpeg?
No problem. What you are seeing here are the interlaced artifacts. No time to explain, but setting the Yadev filter to default gives really good results. No time to explain?
Did I say I love FFmpeg? What do you mean the video is not playing in QuickTime? Do you know FFmpeg supports OCR?
I haven't found the command yet, but it does support it. It does support it. Okay...
You know I cut a whole documentary in FFmpeg? I also generate my presentation from config files.
Why don't we just use FFmpeg to convert all our videos? Because Media Encoder doesn't use CPU and RAM fully, let's be honest. It's dynamically linked. And then Premiere Pro has the worst encoders on this planet and After Effects rendered on a single core for the majority of its existence. Even Premiere Pro doesn't use multi-core rendering properly, unless you have a proper setup. And do not buy into Exeons for rendering. But if you simply are looking for a better deinterlaced, hardware is the solution. You know I cut a whole documentary in FFmpeg. The fun thing about Premiere Pro is it will crash for arbitrary reasons.
Especially on Sundays. Because Creative Cloud is on holidays.
ProRes 422. On FFmpeg, no problem. It has the newest encoders. Except for anything proprietary. Let's see why the monotonous DTS isn't matching. No re-encoding allowed. V-coded copy only. The output is as readable as it gets. And you can't scroll back up in standard shell. How is WebM in 2022 the only one that natively supports transparency?
We have flying cars. But oh, beware of transparency. You know what you should learn? No, the chrominance levels of your video file. 2022. We have flying cars.
We have GIFs. GIFs.
And we still don't have transparent formats. RGB plus alpha. What is this?
You're getting Matraska for Christmas. And you're getting Matraska for Christmas.
The ones who get it, get it. Personally, I prefer to use Matraska container due to its flexibility and low overhead. The conversion to Matraska, here are three ways to do it in FFmpeg. One of them should work. Depending on which version you have.
MP4. MP4 is not a format that allows for low-level concatenation.
Demuxer.
Oh yeah, it will re-encode because that internally uses PCM32 format, not PCM16. You know I cut a whole documentary in FFmpeg. Oh, you like the fade in the video? You know how I did it? How did you know? Do you use FFmpeg? Can I show you?
FFmpeg is stable. Usually. But then it will explode if you have an apostrophe in your file name because it doesn't understand that. Three apostrophe mean one apostrophe in the file name. And then you will spend three hours on Stack Overflow. You know this side is basically just FFmpeg behind an nginx. Let's see how we can convert this perfectly fine format EIA608. I guess you'll have to re-encode. Oh, there's a new version of FFmpeg out?
I'll just quickly build it from source. Nah, I can't wait. I'll download the binary. I know the website looks like a scan, but it's really not. Download the binary.
Is this the right website? All of this?
Just one command. Oh, that was an issue in the... Here's some news from FFmpeg. House key and household video filters. HSV key and HSV. Speaks decoder.
Lid placebo. V flip volca. ADBCM. RPCA. MOFLEX. ANLMF. TMIT equalizer. Finally. MODS demuxer.
It's like Harry Potter. You know what's hard?
I must have forgot a space somewhere.
Oh, there it is. Okay.
ARMV60. That's what I was looking for. You know you can accelerate FFmpeg with CUDA? You just need to have the right version and the right drivers and the right graphics card and the right operating system. CUDA for the win. I mean, for the Windows.
Advanced options were the demuxers. Panic protocols. At the end of the day, you'll probably ever just need one command and the same command over and over and that one you'll get from StackOverflow.
Without understanding FFmpeg, but I can recommend understanding it. Not that I do. Is there anything better than FFmpeg? No. I must have the wrong version. Oh, no, it's using minus filter complex.
Obviously, yours have different H264 base profiles. All inputs must have the same attributes. Baseline, high. Well, yeah, but in that case, the frame size is not restricted. Here, I'll show you.
Why is this video broken? Actually, I don't really use FFmpeg. I just automate media and CUDA with AppleScript. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_11_osher_gunsberg | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners, you are tuned into The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM, our weekly news radio show which is now being syndicated via the internet to everyone around the country and around the world as a podcast. Today's episode marks episode 11, I'm Clancy Overall. And I'm Errol Parker and we have a bit on today, don't we Clancy? We have an exclusive interview with Australian TV's original heartthrob, Osha Ginsberg, but we'll get to that in a minute.
First up we've got some local news, a couple of young blokes have reeled in quite a catch this week, haven't they? Yes Errol, two teenagers fishing down at the Teeter Waterhole just out of the Flight Park District have pulled in a large sum of money in an unmarked sports bag today. 120 big ones I've heard on the street. Yes, 120 grand is the rumour.
It's hard to find, but it's not party time just yet for Billy and James Walter because they've had to hand it in to the police and we'll have to wait 12 months until they can actually touch and pocket this cold hard cash. Yeah, another thing that I've also heard on the street Clancy is that they've received a few threatening letters that have been sent to the Walters's house and they've also had a few spooky phone calls. So they decided it was probably best that the cash was left in the hands of the authorities for the foreseeable future. Yes, that'll happen if you start telling the blokes down at the pub that your sons have found an unmarked bag of cash in the waterhole. We could put that on their old man Glenn actually, but the money is as good as theirs. I can't see anyone coming forward to claim that kind of money. Not to the police anyway. Well you might be right Clancy, hopefully they get the money. God knows they need it down there.
Elsewhere around town there's been a big drug bust on a property on the Batutah city limits this week. US police raided a property and seized around 50 cannabis plants that were almost in full bloom, as well as three exotic snakes. Yeah we had a reporter on the ground up there, he spoke to probationary constable Mikey McDougall from the Batutah Heights police department and he said that the street value of the hall was about $3,000 and the trees were hidden on a vineyard owned by a local wine maker called Lionel Manetti.
But those street values as we know Errol are quite often horseshit, especially if we are talking about bush buds. Well you know the cops, they always over inflate their figures.
Nevertheless, Lionel Manetti, the owner of the property is a manager, full time resident, but in an interesting twist he is saying that he doesn't know where the plants have come from. He's claiming that someone has snuck onto his land and planted and indeed maintained those trees all without him knowing.
Well we will be keeping a very close eye on this case to see how it unfolds and I know my nephew Bryden will be as well. Well looking further down the chart on the wall here today, I don't think there's too much left on local news. What's been happening around the country? I believe there's been a few updates in the Banking Royal Commission.
Yes, yes, speaking of cunning Italian landowners, a prominent nono has made national headlines this week after claiming he always knew about this misconduct that has been perpetrated by the big four in the recent findings from the Banking Royal Commission. Yes he's just one of many ethnic patriarchs who claim to have known about this stuff for a while Errol, and in turn has spent a lifetime burying cash and refusing to declare personal income. The headline goes, Nono says he always knew the banks are the no good.
Yeah, from one tongue twister to another. The retired house painter's name was Sal Cabone. He says we all laughed at him, but guess what, he's the one laughing now. Yes good old nono.
He says it's not the first time he's been given justification for his habit of burying cash under the fig tree. Yeah, all the stuff with the ATO last year with the payroll rorting. The tax man, they're crooks too, says Sal. He said the banks, the ATO, the lot of them, they're all crooks, and it's beginning to look like he's the one who's not taking crazy pills Clancy.
Not wrong at all. He's speaking a bit of sense in fact. It sounds like intuition if anything.
And speaking of clever financial operators, we spoke to another money savvy local this week who stirred a few people up. The headline on that story was, One New Penderel, Rent is Dead Money, says 28 year old bag of shit still living at home. Yeah look, I was doing a bit of investigative journalism, some good old fashioned real reporting earlier this week, and I spoke to a few members, one in particular, one particularly apathetic member of Generation Y, and he reckons you're wasting your money by paying rent. It's money going out of your pocket into someone else's. Yes, this bloke Errol Danny, his name was, that you interviewed, he's a stay at home son isn't he? Yeah he is Clancy, he is. Young Danny is still living with his parents up in that leafy enclave of Batuda Grove with all the bankers, the lawyers, the doctors, and all the other bourgeois people that will indeed be eaten first when the purge comes. And he reckons that most of your money, as opposed to being spent on rent, should be spent on experiences like travelling and enjoying the cultures of other people around the world.
He did say he gets a bit testy at times though didn't he? One example that he did give me was when his old man starts to mower at around 7 o'clock every Sunday morning. Yeah, he can get a bit testy, especially if I'm hungover. And once I lost it at that dad and I called him a fuckhead from my bedroom window, and anyway he didn't take that too kindly and he come racing up the stairs with a length of poly pipe and he flogged me until I started crying and I begged him for mercy. Sorry I'm just reading this back verbatim. And he said, it's still better than being a rent cuck, whatever that is, must be some new lingo the youth are using these days. Yes, 28 year old, he is rapidly making a dash away from his youth and it sounds like he had it coming really. Yeah, he was a painful little shit if I'm going to be honest.
Anyway, moving on from Danny, what else did we cover this week Clancy? Well there was that story about the voice contestant who tugged on the heart strings earlier in the week. It was an extremely moving automotive story, wasn't it? Yes it was, automotive and emotive. The headline we ran on that one is as follows, voice contestant tells heartbreaking story of how he backed his falcon into a tow bar. And the pain really shone through in that rendition of Pearl Jam's Last Kiss, which I'm not sure many of our readers would know is actually a cover song itself. Yes, the 43 year old named Glen told Delta the story after he finished performing. He said, about two years ago now, I was pulling out of Dan Murphy's in Wynnum when I caught myself perving on some promo girls outside Maccas. While holding back tears, Glen went on to explain, I didn't see it, but I heard it. Quite emotional and heartbreaking, also heartwarming story of love lost and love found as he backed his Ford sedan into the tow bar of a liquor delivery truck.
Yeah, I don't normally watch that stuff, but I heard it was coming up so I flicked it on and it was really powerful, much more powerful than the young man who overcooked his pork on MasterChef I was watching. Yeah, and to be honest, I think Australia's really pioneered that television format, reality television as the world knows it right now. And one of the key contributors to this growing phenomenon, this garden of roses that we've built on our television sets is Osher Ginsberg.
He's just rolled into the studio, so let's get on with it. Well here he is, we've been trying to get a hold of him for a while, he's been trying to get a hold of us. He's been a big reader for a while, one of our first fans from outside the diamond Tina. Osher, thank you for joining us. It's great to be here, gentlemen.
You said left at the roundabout at Longreach, you didn't say that it was then another 800 kilometres. The Lansbury Highway's a punish at the best of times, but yeah, that was a long wee break. Well, if you're going through Longreach, you've gone the wrong way. You don't need to go that high.
What visit to this part of the world isn't complete without a pass through the Stockman's Hall of Fame? Yeah, and the Qantas Museum. I mean, let's be honest. That was actually Longreach, it was nice to be back there, it was actually the first place I saw the Milky Way from horizon to horizon, and there really is something quite profound the first time you see that stretching out before you in that only part of Australia that you can get to it. But it's lovely here, this studio is fantastic that you've built here, Koala Studios are great even though you've gone to great trouble to seal it off from the sounds of this part of the world. This bustling metropolis.
But you really can never get rid of that kind of overwhelming kind of sulphate smell from the artesian water, can you? It just sneaks in everywhere, stings the nostrils.
He's a learned man, we're learning with Osher. You've obviously travelled the country a lot from a very young age. What we want to talk to you about, and I'm sure you speak about this at any time you run into someone who grew up with you, and there were a lot of people in this country that grew up with you. Yeah, many people claim to be my cousin, they're not. How did you get into that position which, I mean, in a pre-internet world was the number one gig for a young media identity?
Well it takes me back to the time that I actually was in this part of Queensland. You may notice that I'm wearing hearing aids, so there was a time in my life when I was a roadie. Now for folks who don't know, there was a time before DJs where the local pub like the beer garden here would have a cover band that would play five 45 minute sets a night. And usually rehashing whatever was going on on the radio, you know, your garden variety, Chisel, Farnham, Little River Band, if you really want to go a little bit more obscure on the phone. LRB. Yeah, but those early years, you know, I think it was like early Kernighan and, you know, we would often see a young guy who used to play in a cover band by the name of Fractured Mirror.
Urban? Keith? Keith Urban. Yeah, Keith, he was good, played in a band called Fractured Mirror, he was a nice guy.
That was during his wild days too. Yeah, it truly was. Yeah, yeah.
So we were often, Keith would play the afternoon set for the beer garden punters and then while I was loading in, I was a lighting guy, so I was the lighting guy and I would, we had a truck called Lightning, which was not fast, it was an ironic. And so, yeah, I'd spent a couple of years hauling road cases in and out of the back of a truck. And, you know, as you both know, you know, any work that gets calluses on the hands after a while gets tiring and you think, I've got to do something else, because I really, you know, I didn't realise at that time that the permanent hearing damage and the two hernias were like, yeah, I'll find something else to do. So to answer your question, Clancy, I ended up kind of unemployed, well, I was playing in an original, I ended up playing in my own band and we were playing original music, which then that therefore means you're on the dole. And I was like, ah, in Brisbane? Yeah, in Brio de Janeiro and in the cosmopolitan south east. And so I didn't quite know, you know, it's like, I can't do this.
So what I ended up doing was I hand wrote letters to every radio station in the city going, look, I'll do anything for cash, but not even cash. I'll do anything.
I just want to be there. I just want to. I just want to not even exposure. I just want to be in the room.
I'll come in. I'll pull your CDs out. I'll sweep up. I'll make coffee. I'll do anything you want.
And in my time as a roadie, I had met a bar manager at a nightclub called Mary Street, which was, you guessed it on Mary Street in Brisbane. And he had left that job and turned out to be the promotions guy at B105 in Brisbane, nothing but great rock and roll.
And um, Was it pre Jamie Dunn? No, it was a Jamie Dunn Hay Day. Jamie Dunn Hay Day. I don't know. Do you, do you syndicate Jamie Dunn on 96.5?
He's on Murray country in Brisbane.
Ah, right. Right. Yeah. With Casa Daly's son. He hasn't been on Desert FM for a while. No, no, no. No days. Ah, right.
But so, so anyway, so I, I, I went in there and I, I drove around the promotional trucks, which were a Nissan patrol, uh, five speed stick, mind you, it was pretty good. And um, yeah, they were called the black thunders and I gave away icy cold cans of coke to punters for, for, for years. And that's how I, that's how I got in. There was a party with the breaker girls. Uh, no, there was none of that. Um, I was earning eight bucks an hour, Clancy, but that was it. That was it. I got in and That's coming from roadie.
There's a lot of tough jobs in this country bumping in and bumping out at both ends of a gig or any kind of thing is going to be one of the most, uh, I wouldn't say physically exerting. It is physically exerting. It's just never ending. Well, that's, that's the thing, uh, cause I'm writing a book at the moment. I'm writing a, uh, I guess you call it a memoir, but it's more of a kind of a tale of he is this person that's been in your face for the last 20 something years, by the way, he's been managing life with a mental illness. Here's the things you've seen him do. Here's what was happening, what was going on.
Um, so it's just the way to talk about it. Cause we do need to talk about these things and yeah, and so it's quite fresh in my mind, but this is at the time when smoking was still allowed in nightclubs and uh, security guards didn't have individual numbers time before CCTV or, you know, so close circuit television was, uh, uh, yeah, there's a couple of interesting, interesting nights at the Grosvenor hotel in Rockhampton. Let me tell you that for nothing. Yeah. When, when certain people try to barge the door and, uh, you know, a couple of boys took a couple of, a couple of other boys out the back of the boy. Anyway.
Um, so yeah, there really is nothing like the smell of a nightclub in the day, in the baking, you know, 36 degree Bundaberg heat crystals nightclub it was, um, when, you know, the cigarette smoke normally serves as a blanket that will kind of shield your nostrils from what else is going on, but the, the, the fermenting sugar rotted into the carpet, mixed with a vomit spilled beer, um, is just, it stings the nostrils. It's all like, I wonder why you don't drink, I don't drink cause I'm an excellent alcoholic. That's why I don't drink. Uh, but yeah, I'm sure that only contributed to drinking like, well, to be fair, that time in my life was, you know, I was 17 when I started working in the music industry and I wasn't able to go into these places and I saw what it looked like to be just a legless 18 year old. I was like, I don't think that looks very good. I don't think I'll do that. Um, but that was before I discovered that alcohol could also help me deal with suppressing social anxiety and give me, I guess, a beer blanket in which I could then a suit of armor, which I could then go out into the world and then I took to it with a relish.
Well, you're always on stage. You're always, always in a position where every other person in the country would be nervous, right?
Yeah. Constantly talking to just the biggest, the biggest acts and that, that kind of got channel V was probably the pinnacle, right? Uh, yeah. Well, the pinnacle of being on telly was, um, when I did a show in North America, I, I was, I am, that's this point still, I believe the only Australian to ever host live network, prime time television in the States that was on a dancing competition show.
Take that Robe. A dancing competition. Look, you cannot say anything bad about Robe McManus.
He is the most successful independent television British in this country has ever seen. He's the nicest human being ever, uh, and is a very, very hardworking, hardworking man who has created more hours of television than you or I have had hot dinners.
Anyway. We're trying to get him to turn on people. It looks like it's not going to happen, but you mentioned like the pressure of being on camera. Yeah. Booze helps, right? For some, not at all. I was never drunk on air except for this one particular show we did around the time of the Olympics, which I hosted with a drummer by the name of Cram who played in Spider bite. Yeah. And there was like two weeks there.
It was a bit blurry, but I never drank on air. And the, the thing about being having a anxiety, a generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety is that you're constantly terrified of what other people might think of you. When else am I absolutely 100% sure of what they're making their judgment on then when they're all being quiet and I'm on camera and I'm talking and they've shut up those few 10, 20, 30 minute seconds that I was on camera with absolute serenity, complete bliss.
And I chased that. I chased that.
I would go through, I would, I would sometimes, but when I was really sick, I would leave the house with a trucker hat pulled down low so I didn't have to look at anyone. I would look at people's feet so I can get through the, you know, get through the crowds of people.
And then, but when it was three, two, one go, all that shitty noise in my head would suddenly stop. And I just had this, you know, anxiety is a lack of control. Anxiety is a lack of, I don't know what's going to happen.
And now I'm more in control than I'm one on the radio microphone or on a television camera. So yeah, it's actually quite the opposite. The alcohol was a way to cut after all that goes away. It's like, Oh my God, I'm so excited, but now it's two in the morning and I still can't sleep. Beer.
Yeah. Right. That, yeah, that, that's an interesting thing because a lot of people see all you guys, you know, I'm on collectively answering for everyone on television. All those, all that young, that young crop of you that were getting around channel B that time. Yes. Yeah.
A lot. And what was extraordinary was that our most loyal followings came from, you know, here I'll start, you know, I'll star was an extraordinary part of, of what we did and allowed me later in years when we took our channel V bus around, when we got to see parts of the country that most Australians they'll fly overseas before they get a chance to see what's actually happening in the country. And I was just absolutely blessed to see not only through the work I did as a roadie, but also touring in my own bands and then through the work I did with, with channel V, just seeing parts of this extraordinary country and meeting people that were like, you know, I'd meet the most amazing people like guys my age who were like, yeah, I went to Brisbane once. Ah, it's too much going on. I like it better out here.
And he was like, why do I think I've got the right idea living in my, my house in Bondi, which is smaller than this, this studio that we're in, you know, thinking that I've got the, the, the greatest thing in the world when this bloke, you know, lives every day. He sees the Milky Way from horizon to arrive and every night he knows everyone in his street. Everyone knows him. If he has any problems, there's communities right there for him.
You know, I don't know my own fucking next door neighbor. Have I got the right idea? I probably don't.
And that was about when I really started thinking about that kind of stuff around 2001, 2002. It was particularly when we were, we did a gig out in broken Hill. And I remember, you know, going for, I was still running at that point before the old man arthritis kicked in. And I remember doing, I'd run about 10 or 12 Ks every day. And I remember running out of town. I used to just run for half an hour in one direction and turn around.
So I've got about six Ks out and getting out, I can see up ahead of me and there's a bit of, you know, the mirages on the road that you see the look of the puddle of water. I get closer. I see this thing on the left of the road.
Like, what's that? Don't understand.
And I get closer and it's this fucking gigantic wedge tail eagle with his kangaroo carcass. Just just going for it like an Attenborough documentary. And I run past it. And this thing looks like if you or I was setting up to do a kettlebell squat, you know, it was like, it's torso was as long as me. It's head was as big as mine. It's talons as big as my fingers. And it looked at me like, I could fucking take you if I wanted to.
I've already got some food here, so I'm not going to touch it. When else do you get a chance that the people go to Africa to see animals that can kill them?
We've got it right fucking here. It was amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was, it was good that you guys got to get around like that. Because there was, I suppose it was probably back off the era where Triple J had just started to look at the regional towns and with that you find the silver chairs and the, you know, the Newcastle, there's something going on in Bundy, you know. The same people that took Triple J National took Channel V. So the same guy, Barry Chapman is his name, he took Triple J National. And it worked.
Oh mate, just it totally changed how I feel about about non-metropolitan Australia growing up in Brisbane in the 80s. What part of Brisbane were you in? We grew up in the leafy green suburb of Kenmore and then later in Chapel Hill, which is not what it is now. Chapel Hill was, you know, and for a while I lived, I lived on the way to Ipswich wasn't it? Yeah, well, it's not quite. I lived in Brookfield for a while in Gap Creek Road before it was even sealed. It was still a dirt road when I lived there, but we grew up on a Jovialka Peterson.
We grew up, a lot of people have no clue that in this country, in this very state, there are laws that South Africa went, that's a fucking good idea. Let's base apartheid on that. We wrote the racial separation laws that apartheid was based on.
And that fucking happened in our lifetimes, you know, there are people alive. We like to call it the corrugated Iron Curtain. Good Lord, man, Bianchi Peterson's.
It was futile. It was absolutely futile.
I mean, I remember when we were, when I was as a roadie, we went to King of Roy once, which is where Bianchi Peterson was from. And you honestly, you're on this red asphalt, I don't know where they've got the road base from. They must have just dug it up by the side of the road and then mixed it with the tarmac because it's red. It's the same colour as the road around you, the dirt around you. There's red asphalt for about 100 clicks and then boom, four lane highway, like, ah, right.
As you're coming into King of Roy. A little bit of that. Russell Hinns also was a minister at the time, had the highway diverted next to his pub on the way to the Gold Coast. Yeah.
It's, you know, I don't know if people realise what, like I said, it was futile at best. It was futile at best. Apparently he did die a poor man.
Rusty? No. Joe? Joe.
Yeah. What, morally poor? We had this discussion with, with, ah, with Bob Catter. Oh, yeah. One of his young proteges, actually. Yeah. Wow.
We asked him if everything Joe did was above board and here he says, look, look, I went and saw him in his last house and I said, he didn't die in a mansion. He died in a small house, two bedroom house with no air conditioning and crooked men, they die in huge houses. Not these blokes in these small houses here.
They're honest. I'm sure, I'm sure there's a little bit of cash buried down there in South Bank. Oh man, I've got to tell you.
It was a, it was a weird time. It would have been weird if he did successfully become the Prime Minister.
He went for it. Yeah. He really went for it. I think this country would be a bit different now. Fuck. Yeah. He bit off more than he could chew. He did. And that, and then actually, yeah.
And there's a lot to be said about how that went sour, but I think it was the, the Federal Nats decided, maybe you're getting a bit too big for your birds, King of Roy. But I guess, you know, why I'm kind of passionate about it is that we, we really can't forget. We cannot forget that this happened. And it's only 30 years ago that he ended, and it ended his reign.
And there are people who would be in their fifties now who were juniors underneath him looking up going, yes, this is the way for everything. And these people are well and truly. Maybe even on the jury. Yes, exactly. These people are well and truly in the system and it doesn't go away. This stuff is still around. It's full on.
Tell us a bit about your folks. How did they end up? What's the background?
Oh, mum's Lithuanian. Dad's Czech. Okay. So the Russians came in to Lithuania in 1941. Mum had just been born.
The Germans then came up and soundly kicked them out. The Germans were very horrible, horrible people and massacred hundreds of thousands of Lithuanian Jews. The Russians were coming back and my mum's family went, fuck me. These Germans have been executing everyone.
They're terrible. But the Russians are worse.
So they got out of there and they fled with the retreating German army. And they never, never saw their homes again. And they ended up in a refugee camp in Germany, in the American sector when America when Germany was divided up, all the other Lithuanians got on boats to the US.
My aunt had a cough, I thought it was TB, wasn't, but they managed to talk someone into getting her onto a boat down to Australia and they got off the boat in Adelaide. And that's how my mum's family came to Australia. She then met a, she met an officer who was out, a British Air Force officer who was out blowing up nuclear weapons out in the desert. Adam Warmer. Yeah, Maralinga, I think one of those two. Anyway, they, she went back to the UK with him.
By then, my father who was in Prague, Prague was kind of rattling the cage a bit against the communists in the late 60s. And the Prague Spring happened in August 68, my dad was 24.
And they were like, oh, this democracy thing might be all right. Yeah, let's have a go. Yeah, there's flowers and peace and flags. And the Russians went, how's fucking tanks sound?
And as the tanks rolled down the street, yeah, my father managed to escape in the middle of the night. And yeah, didn't really see his home again, found his way to London, and then met my mum. And then by then, my grandfather who brought the family out to Australia got sick. And then I was born, I was born by then, and we came out, I was six months old. Pre to...
Yeah, I was born in the UK. All right. I was born in the UK. So I am an immigrant, but I'm white, so no one cares. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also you have sorted out your citizenship, I'm sorry. No, I'm still dual citizenship at this point. So I won't be running for office at any hurry.
Yeah, like James. Like James... Oh, like your mate, Matheson.
He ran against... He ran against Tony Abbott in the beautiful seat of...
Warunga? No, I was there because I was handing out flyers for him. Waringa. Waringa, that's right. Waringa Mall, yeah, yeah. He ran against Tones up in Waringa. Waringa doesn't even live, Tones doesn't even live in Waringa.
Just for the listeners who might have missed this, this is James Matheson. Who I used to host Channel V and then Australian Idol. Yeah, so you guys had a decade even more career. Yeah, we had a decade together, eight years together.
Right. Yeah, yeah. And then since, you know, he's had a heap of media gigs since that, was Channel 10 for many years. Starting lineup on the project. Yeah. He was fresh off the bench for the project. Right, right, right. He actually made a run at politics, independent against Tony Abbott and did very well. Very, very well.
Yeah, if you want to look it up, Jimmy going toe to toe with Andrew Bolt is one of the fucking best 10 minutes of television you'll ever see. Bolt is so out of his depth and Jimmy's not even cracking a sweat.
Just coming back to your folks, they never ended up in a, I guess you'd say, particularly living in Brisbane, an ethnic enclave of the likes of... My dad actually, really interestingly. There was a bunch of other people that managed to escape in 68 and he and these three other, four other Czech guys would meet every Friday or once a month and they would just speak in Czech.
But what they did is they kept this particular time capsule of language alive. There was no new words. You know, you and I might use the words, say for example, selfie, but 10 years ago selfie didn't exist. So there was no new words that came into their dialect and they kept this bubble of language alive.
And then so when he and I travelled back to Prague in 98, he was talking perfectly accentless Czech, but people would look at him like, what, you sound weird? Because he was like, I say old chap, can you help us get here? Because he sounds like a man from 50 years ago.
Yeah, for sure. It was amazing. But yeah, it's through those things that, you know, they most definitely, I guess the word would say integrated.
But every now and again, if you're from, if you've come here to this strange country where the birds don't sing the same, the sky looks different, the stars are weird. Everything smells funny. Everything smells like sulfur. You're going to want a little taste of home every now and again.
But there wasn't in Brisbane at the time was probably West End was Greek, New Farm was Italian. They didn't have the neighbors. They didn't. No, no, no. It wasn't that situation. No.
The lithos, our nearest neighbors lived on in Fernie Grove, which at then that point was a, you know, I love it in Brisbane. I love to just name shit after what it is, Fernie Grove, Red Cliff, you know, Kangaroo Point, Red Hill.
They just call it what it is. What is it? We'll call it that. Brilliant. Let's go. Move on.
So no, that wasn't the neighbor situation, but I grew up with heaps of blokes that, you know, that did, particularly in the Italian community. And I always envied that. I always envied having that kind of just heaps of family around you. My wife has that.
The Fijian, obviously Australia has a fairly giant South Pacific population. And my wife's Fijian and, you know, it's wonderful being around that many family. We had a small Mother's Day do back in Sydney the other day, minimum, small, 22 people.
It's fucking great. It's small. Great. A lot of afternoon tea. Mate, I don't know how much taro and cassava you get out here, but let me tell you that stuff is good. You enjoy it? A bit of taro? Well, I'm just going to say that as well, you don't get that kind of size from a rugby league forward pack by accident.
There's a lot of root vegetables going on. Super potato. There's a lot of root vegetables going on.
And diet wise, can you bolt down with your Fijian spreads? Well, yeah. I mean, I know you all were just up in beef week, and I don't do beef week very proud in that I don't eat meat, and I haven't since 2002. Do you eat dairy? No.
No, just plants, mate. Plant-based. Just plants. Just an old-school vegan. Just plants. Well, vegans will want to show you videos of things getting killed. I just eat plants.
Yeah. You don't do that. I'll send you a few links, mate. No, you eat what you want to eat. One thing I want to ask, and I don't want to glorify it because you've kind of touched on it.
You were a bunch of kids, a big day out, livid. Channel V? I was 25 when I started working there. You had your own tents. You had a very long ponytail. Yes. You were all wearing SMP. I remember you saying that, the head-to-toe SMP. Was there a little bit of a feeling like the kids are running the asylum? No, there wasn't. I've got to put massive credit towards our management at the time, Barry and Jackie, and Ben, my executive producer, who just went, this is 1999, 2000. This was now.
We would be Instagram influencers. There was nothing we didn't know. Between Yumi, James, Jaber, Maya, myself, Mike, and Mary who did the dance stuff, there was nothing or nobody that we weren't able to instantly talk about. In a time before Instagram comments and replying to Instagram comments, we had the telephone, and so people would just call us up, and in a day, we would speak to someone from Parramatta, someone from Broken Hills, someone from Mount Isa, someone within half an hour, we're talking to Australia. The kid in North Shore, Sydney, who lives in Forest something, what's it called up there, French's Forest, who wants to hear the new Blunk 182 song, is just as passionate as the kid in Mount Isa who wants to hear the new Blunk 182 song.
There was this divide of mainstream of ideas like, country bumpkins, they know shit. No, they fucking don't.
They've got high-speed internet, and they've got satellite TV. They know everything that you know. They just have to drive 110 kilometers to get to school in the morning.
So, yeah, it really was an opportunity for our bosses to go, let's just take the most passionate people we can find and put them on television. It's, you know, now what we're doing right now, sitting around in your studio podcasting, which will then be distributed on the internet to people who are equally passionate, you know, it's a similar version of that. So, people found us, people just found us. It was one of the bigger brands media was in that era. For that demographic, absolutely. Old people had no idea who we were. So, how did you make the transition from being in the radio world to being on the television? Like, were you...
I was doing the midnight to dawn shift in Brisbane, and I just worked my ass off. And then I was like, I think someone... I'm going to have to wait for one of the daytime jocks to die before I get a job when the sun is up. So, I started asking heaps of people, and a gig came up in Adelaide. I went to Adelaide to do the afternoon show between noon and 3 p.m. Then someone, again, you know, who I'd known at B105, an audio guy I'd known at B105, called me up one day and said, Nathan Harvey's just left Channel V, you should send a tape.
And I mentioned that I'd been around Europe with my dad going back to Prague, but I had an old hired video camera that I had, and I was basically documenting his journey, and I would use the camera to, you know, I'd just turn the camera back at myself. Now, it's nothing for someone to stand there and point a camera at themselves, but then you're pretty fucking weird.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. You've got tickets on yourself, mate. Doing a selfie with a champ caught up. Yeah, and it took 10 seconds to pre-roll as well, so it took a long... You'd have to stand there and just kind of wait. So, I'd gotten very used to it, and I'd done quite a lot of practice at talking down the lens, and, you know, and so I just made a video, and I sent it off to Channel V, and within two weeks, they said, we'd love for you to come and have a chat. And within six weeks, I was on air. I was in Adelaide for four and a half months. Yeah, right. That's a long time. Yeah, it is, but I didn't know that I just knew I had to leave Brisbane, and I think for a lot of...
It was a beast, though. It's one that everyone will remember, particularly that demographic. Yeah, we were really lucky. We were real lucky because our mandate was just, you know, just make it interesting. Just make it something that they can't get anywhere else.
And this is in a time before YouTube. Alright, YouTube showed up in 2005, and that was the beginning of the year for us, because no longer did you have to wait for us to give us a call, or send us a fax, or send us an email to try and get your favourite Ice Cube song on. You could just watch it 15 times that day and get your fix. Yeah, for sure. So, YouTube ended a lot of requests, basically, YouTube ended music television.
And rightly so, rightly so. It was a natural development. You're pretty, I guess the word is woke.
That hasn't... That didn't shine through in the early part, or the first half of your career. Oh, it did on V. I could get away with it on V. But when you're hosting Australian Idol, you can't really start talking about, you know, live export and the amount of effluent produced by pig farming on television.
People want to see the people sing. They don't want to hear me. And if anything, I'll turn them off and they'll go, fuck you, I'm eating bacon.
You know? So, you... Was there a moment in your life when you kind of channelled a lot more into that? You know, your thinking and your stuff? Yeah, absolutely.
I was going to go on tour with my band, but then all the gigs fell through. I'm like, fuck, I've got this week off of work, which is really hard to get.
Yeah. Oh, I'm going to go. Alright.
And so, I heard about this place up at the back of Udalow, which is inland from Maroochydore, in the mountains up there. Beautiful part of the world. Glasshouse, kind of. Yeah, yeah. Up there, the kind of, yeah, a lot of dream catchers, a lot of crystals. And it's a place called Chenrezig, it's a Buddhist retreat.
And I'd always kind of explored it and been interested in it. And I got up there and yeah, that's when I would call kind of like, oh shit, we are all one. And it all kind of hit me sitting on this rock in a gorge, on a creek. I would basically take books from the library there that one of the Buddhist nuns gave me and I would just go out in the woods and read these books and just kind of get, holy shit, okay. If the energy that I put out is coming back to me, oh, okay then. Oh, right. And it all kind of made sense. And that was pre-Channel V. Yeah, it was like, within nine months, I'd left Brisbane, arrived in Adelaide and got on television. Do you think that kicked you into gear, that kind of thinking? I think it absolutely solidified that if you do good stuff, good stuff comes to you.
If you look at the world through the eyes of love and gratitude and service, nothing but love, gratitude and service will come back to you. If you look at the world through the eyes of fear and suspicion and anger, all you will see is fear, suspicion and anger. But bear in mind, I had to learn that lesson over the years. It took until I got to sobriety to actually pull that shit into reality because I went through the world not being the nicest person to some people and wondering, why has everything gone bad?
Why have I lost all of my jobs? Why am I now unemployed?
I had to finally realise, oh, that thing I thought about on the rock 12 years ago. Ah, that's why. So it took a long time for me to actually start trying to put it into practice. And there's no way I'm perfect at all. I just noticed that when things are going bad, I'm like, oh, what's my role in it? Oh, I've been okay. All right, okay, I've got to go clean that up. So I guess you are pretty woke then. So, well, you just said that you've been, you know, off, off, off the bad stuff. Yeah. How long have you been so full now?
Sorry, I've never been able to taste your glorious hops of the Batut of Bitter and I never will. Yeah, no, we'll make an alcohol-free version. But even so, I still can't do it. I can't even drink kombucha. I'm the worst. Right. I can't go near Newtown for the smell of it. No, I can't. That's really a bad thing.
It's because of the fermentation, I mean, is enough to... You know when someone opens a bottle of Jose Cuervo and if you've had a proper nostril spew down at the Broadbeach Tavern one time and they open it across the room, you're like, oh, fuck, you know, just the smell is enough to... Yeah, the bunny has that, a lot of ex-bunny drinkers, okay. The double OP, when someone cracks a bottle on double OP, then you... You remember that night.
And I haven't had a drink. What's the date today? Is it the 18th? The 17th of May. 17th, so I haven't had a drink, eight years, two months and four days.
Is that through the program? Yeah, absolutely. And I wouldn't be here without it. Because the counting, the counting wouldn't seem right. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't be here without it. Yeah, right.
And I really, you know, I'm a part of a fellowship of people that basically help each other not drink, basically, because no man's an island. Religiously, spiritually, you've come from a Jewish family, you had your trip to Israel. My grandfather and my dad's side's Jewish.
Okay, right. My dad was born Catholic. I've got the right genes, but the wrong chromosomes. Right, right, right. I'm only Jewish from the waist up, if that makes sense to you. But, you know... Your kids aren't Jewish. Sorry, that's a circumcision joke. But no, like, there is a spiritual aspect to the program that I'm a part of. But, like, you can pick anything you want to be a higher power. Mine was the ocean. All right, but I've heard of a bloke who picked his tractor. Yeah. All right.
Yeah, who's like, he's like, there's no fucking way I can't do this. I don't want to pray to God. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that.
And in the program, we have someone like a mentor. And his mentor says, well, what's bigger than you that you can't live without that if you don't have?
And he goes, oh, my tractor. If I don't have my tractor, if I don't look after my tractor, if I don't respect my tractor, if I don't, you know, I can't feed my family, I can't work my farm. And so he would pray to his tractor, stayed and kept him sober.
So you chose your own kind of angle. There's no particular religion you follow. No, no, no, no. When you get into the program, it's basically of your understanding. So whatever you decide is going to be it, that's it. But in general, you know, there was a name change there.
Was that a religious thing? Yeah, that was a Kabbalah thing. Yeah, that was definitely a Kabbalah thing.
But I'm certainly not the first bloke to change my name. Both my parents changed their names. Yeah, right. Anglicising or... I beg your pardon? Was it anglicising or was that just them themselves? Just like, don't want to be that anymore because they're weird Euro names. They don't want to be that anymore and want to be this. So yeah, a bit of anglicising, but also like, doesn't work. But with me, the name change was...
Spiritual. Yeah, it was a spiritual thing.
It was a reinvention. I had a divorce beard at the time, which is not unlike the beard you're sporting now. Bit more pepper. Way patchy, way more pepper. It's the beard you grow when you're like, oh, I haven't showered in three days because I'm so fucking sad that I'm, you know, I'm alone now.
And a friend took me up the mountain in Colorado to get me out. I was on my birthday. It was on my 38th birthday, I think. 38th birthday.
Yeah, I went up the mountain and I started... I hadn't skied in years and I was like, fuck it, what's my birthday? Let's go skiing. I've been snowboarding the whole time. So I went up the mountain, the snowboarder called Andrea and I came down. There's a skier called Oscar and that was it.
But, you know, I basically met a guy who told me, and if I changed my name, I changed my life. He was right. I did and I did. Everyone's had a rebrand, mate. Yeah. Yeah, I've absolutely had an aggressive rebrand.
There's another one coming. Don't worry. Yeah, you're not done yet.
Well, is it easier now compared to, you know, having to interview, you know, everyone from Elton John to the hilltop hoods? Is it easier now being on television as it was then, not like as Oscar as opposed to...
No, that's good. No, not at all. No, that was just a very personal thing.
Interviewing is something... Work's work. Interviewing is something I've done since I started in radio, since I was in 20 when I started in radio. So I've been doing this for my 25th year of broadcasting. The thing about interviewing for me is that if you're not... It's like any job, you know. If you're not constantly finding ways that you can refine what you do, work gets boring and you want to find something else to do, you know. So I have a podcast now, which I ideally love. We use the same podcasting equipment. It's a roadie. It's a professional's choice. And I enjoy very much just connecting with people, you know, in an interview situation. And I learned through great teachers, great, great teachers at Channel V that, you know, when I thought about my most successful interviews and the things that I got the best content out of, the best stuff out of, it wasn't an interrogation. It was, I'm making a safe space into which the truth can flow, all right?
I'm not Lee Sales. I'm not, you know... Not Denson. I'm not Barry Cassidy. I'm not there to kind of nail someone to the floor and get an answer out of them.
I'm like... Well, we're going to be coming on too next time we're in Sydney. We're going to be coming on... Oh, you're going to come down? That'll be great. Yeah. Let's just give it an official plug now.
Your podcast is called... The Osher Ginsburg Podcast. If you're listening to this on a podcast app, which you probably are, you just go search, whatever app you're in.
Five stars, everyone knows the deal. There it is. Yeah. There it is there.
What would a Batutah audience would get a kick out of? Which episode would they probably get a kick out of?
Oh, goodness. I don't know.
I think the Brett Robbo is a really interesting one. He's a performance coach who worked as the head coach for the New South Wales... Institute of Sport and then the Australian Institute of Sport, coaching Paralympic athletes in their quadrennial cycles of achievement. And he's got some hella, hella deep knowledge to drop on basically focusing your life and getting your shit together.
Yeah, right. One thing, this has led us to our next question. Hit me. Do you honestly get emotional during those rose ceremonies?
Yeah, I absolutely do.
And a part of sobriety is having these things called emotions now that I'm not so completely insulated in my brain. It's like fucking my brain chemistry. So I can't actually activate the parts of my brain that feels things like empathy.
Like, you'll stand there and here's this man that you've come to know, particularly like I said, that's the bachelor. Here's this man that you come to know over the last couple of weeks. And he's a good looking fella. He's cut like a chopped salad. He's successful. He's good, but he's still single for some reason. And he doesn't know why. And then he's got it. You know, he's really interested in this girl, but there's this other lady. I haven't given him enough roses and he's got this.
I'm sorry, buddy, you're gonna have to choose one of them. And then it breaks his heart. And then there's this woman who's put her life and her career and everything on hold to come and hopefully find love, fall in love. And she's breaking her heart.
You feel that, man, you feel that. It permeates your soul. You know, I'm just kind of getting better about getting better about processing it afterwards.
Yeah, yeah. But yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Early episodes of Idol on Monday nights when we kicked the kids off, I'd cry on the side of the stage. Yeah, right.
But then I learned to harden my heart against that and just get his kind of like cold onyx based rock within me that lasted for a couple of years. To his new glaze of it. No, what was it then?
It was Cooper's Pail.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, just just quickly.
The Honey Badger, Nick Collins, how does he go? Have you seen much of him in action? Oh, yeah, he and I, we work together every day. So how does he respond? Obviously, the iconic Honey Badger, a super rugby sensation back when the game was really hitting its straps and Western Force, when they were hitting their straps, RIP. The Honey Badger, obviously full of colloquialisms. That's not programmed. That comes naturally like that. He hasn't, he hasn't. Tell us in your personal interactions with him. Is he that? Is he the Honey Badger?
Nick Cummins is a absolutely golden human being from Bow Desert, which is the kind of weird bit inland. Not quite to Toowoomba, not quite Mooloomba. On the road to Texas. Not quite Beanly, kind of Golby-ish. Heading towards Gold Coast Hinterland. Yeah, yeah, on the other side of that. Never really went into town much.
You know, there's many, many, I think he's one of eight. Absolute heart of gold. Incredible man. People are really gonna be fascinated by this guy because they may have only, you know, seen, you know, a three minute long highlight reel of Nick Cummins' sideline comments. That's what they know about him. And they've seen a tradie ad and they go, great, I know this man. You don't know him. He's. He doesn't wear tape though in the show. He's, well maybe. Certain scenes that may require, no. His attitude to life and the way he talks himself through things that are in front of him, really inspirational.
He takes the various challenges that are set before him and he sees it and goes, okay, how are we gonna work around this? This is the difficult thing. How can I adapt? How can I overcome? Okay, go.
And he, you know, he verbalises a lot. He's a fascinating guy. He gets present. He meditates. He goes for a walk in the bush a lot to recentre himself. He's a really interesting cat. I'm really excited that people are gonna get to know him.
Yeah. It sounds like it's gonna be good fun. Yes.
What else are you working on? Outside of the podcast?
I'm writing a book. You're writing the book? Yeah, I'm writing the book at the moment. So when you write a book, you don't just write a book. You write it like four times, you know, as you both know. When you publish, you're like, okay, and done.
It's like, all right. So you got to do it like, so I'm in the middle. I'm in the middle of that. It's a full-time job, really.
Yeah, that and, you know, trying to be sure that I'm the best husband and stepfather that I can be. Because as rewarding as work is, you know, you've got to pay your bills, but what are you doing it for? You're doing it for you so you can have these beautiful moments with your family. And so, you know, making sure that there's time to be a husband and to be a stepfather and to be there for these two incredible women in my life is a real thing that I've worked very hard at trying to make sure they get right. I'm never gonna get right, but I try.
Well, I think on that note, thank you for coming and speaking to us. And we'll be on your show. I look forward to that. Some would come down to Sydney for some reason. Well, I hope it's a good reason. Origin. It'll be origin.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. God, big news with the retirement the other day. Yeah, shocker. Bloody hell. That's right.
I'm sure someone's just engraved the trophy already with Queensland and just like, only if something terrible happens will they change it over. My poker boys, they are not happy.
But you see, I grew up in a time when we would just lose all the time. All the time. And then we had the decade. Yeah, it's like, let's not, it's like Bianca Peterson, let's not forget. Let's not forget that there was a time when we had nothing, we had nothing.
But I still get confused when suddenly Alan Lang is on the field. What are you doing Alfie? Alfie.
Why are you still here? Job for life at the Broncos. It's been a pleasure gentlemen. Don't stop what you're doing. It's very important that what you're doing is.
Thank you. Thank you, Osher. All right. And that was Osher Ginsburg. Coming up to the top of the hour, we have the news bulletin up next with Bruce Hitchcock. And after that we have Hello Sport. Yes.
And while we have you here, we will remind you that Petuda Bitter is now available via ALM. If you run a bottle shop out there, we are distributing around the country. It's available to anyone who is willing to serve it. And if it's already stocked in your local, please, please join us and support this regional empire we are building in the Channel Country.
And my name is Errol Parker. Until next week, keep your hands and feet to yourself. I'm Clancy Overall.
You be kind to each other. Great listeners are great learners, right? Well, hear this.
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dropout | law_order_necrophiliacs | All right, everyone, clear out. Detective Benson and I'll take it from here.
Poor son of a bitch. No honor in putting a bullet in the back of a man's head. He's completely vulnerable. If you think about it, he still is. Sensuous violence like this makes me think there's no God.
If there isn't, then there's nobody judging us. We could do whatever we want in life. To him. Too true.
Almost flirtatious. Inviting. Step back, sir. He's in our hands now. Our strong, curious hands. It's crazy, the power we have as detectives.
As a lie of people. The minute he's out getting his groceries, the next he's lying cold on the pavement. And anybody, anybody could just come along and treat his body like their own personal playground. Has rigor mortis set in? Well, we could always find out. Lift up his shirt, see if his nipples have become erect. Wouldn't even have to ask his permission. No. What a soulless crime. Same thing could be said of the body. It's funny, we're just going to ship it off to some crematorium, turn his body to ashes.
I mean, how is that any better than if we, I don't know, tickled him? Respanked him, for that matter. Just a little spank. A little tap of the bone. Whoa. What is it, detective? I was just dusting for fingerprints, and our hands just sort of touched. I don't know, you don't think it means something, do you?
We can't say conclusively that he wouldn't have liked it. He didn't ask her to stop. Which I would have respected if he did. But he didn't, because he can't.
What happened to you? Careful, detective. We don't want to contaminate the body. Whoops, that happened.
The bullet exited the skull right here, right beneath the hairline. There's blood on the wall, which means the gun was probably fired from about here. The victim reached for his gun, but he was too late. He stumbled and dropped it as he fell backwards. As he took his last breath, he lay down to die, right here.
There go two of the finest detectives this city's ever seen. LAUGHTER |
TheOnion | How_To_Get_Your_Son_To_Remove_His_Halloween_Costume | You know, just because Halloween is over doesn't mean you parents out there can relax. If you're like millions of moms, you've got a child who just will not take off his costume. We've got Today Now's medical expert, Dr. Kareem Mazari, here to give us some tips on how to convince a stubborn little guy to take off his Spiderman costume and start wearing normal clothes so people don't think he's a weirdo. And also joining us is my son Spencer, still dressed as Spiderman. Spencer? Hi, Mom. So, Dr. Mazari, how can a mother convince her child to take off his costume, especially if she's already tried yelling, telling him that superheroes aren't real, that there's no such thing as heroism in real life?
Right, right. It can be especially hard for children with vivid imaginations. Or if he's just stubborn. Sure, but it's really a manifestation of the child's desire to inhabit the life of a character that they really identify with. Now, I'm sure Spiderman is your favorite superhero.
Yeah, ka-zing, joo-wah, zing, ka-ping, pow! Spencer, sit down right now. Pow! Do you want me to yell at you in front of the entire country, Spencer?
I find the best thing to do is to try and have a dialogue with your child. Now, Spencer, why won't you take your costume off? Because then people will know my true identity. You're not even wearing the mask! People already know who you are.
Well, bargaining can work. Explain to your co- Bargaining? Is it not enough that I say take off the goddamn Spiderman costume? Now I've got to bargain with my own child?
Jesus Christ! You know what?
Spencer, sit down. Spencer Heathcliff, yo, you sit down right this instant. Sit down!
Do you want to be put in the silence trunk again? You don't like the silence trunk, do you? Um, okay.
I'm Spiderman!
Spencer! Spencer, sit down right now! Sit down, you little shit face, or I will break the rest of your toys on purpose! Do you understand me? |
TheOnion | USDA_Recalls_96_000_Pounds_Of_Tainted_Beef_From_One_Family | 96,000 pounds of tainted beef have been recalled today from the Wharton family of Bricksville, Ohio. The USDA issued the recall after E. coli bacterium was discovered at the West Meat Company, which produced and packaged the beef Mrs. Wharton purchased during her grocery shopping trip. Oh, it was scary. Now every time I bring home a couple tons of beef for my family, I'll be wondering if it can make them sick. More than 90% of the beef purchased by the Whartons in the past week is affected by the recall, including 2,000 pounds located by federal officials in the Wharton's main refrigerator, another 49,000 pounds in the refrigerator in the garage, and the remaining 45,000 pounds split evenly between the two beef freezers in the basement. While the family was disappointed to part with so much beef, Mrs. Wharton said that she felt lucky.
I mean, I can always make another batch of my 23-meat chili, but really what's most important is my family's health. I'll just go to the store tomorrow and tow home another trailer full of beef. I mean, life goes on.
E. coli is especially fatal in young children, which led to a scare for the Whartons when youngest son Jake complained of flu-like symptoms after eating several dozen flank steaks for breakfast. My stomach hurt. I felt icky, and I couldn't even finish my beef. He was sweating a lot more than usual.
USDA officials are investigating if the tainted beef infected any other food products it may have come in contact with. So far, the outbreak appears to be limited to beef. In the meantime, the Whartons will have to make do with their reserve of 6,000 pounds of beef shank cross cuts, with which they had planned to make a stew.
I'd hate to dig up the port capsule in the backyard unless it's totally necessary. Moving on now, a new CIA report shows al-Qaeda is still a thing. |
TheOnion | NASA_Finds_Life_Drowned_On_Mars_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_42 | A historic discovery that has the scientific community celebrating. NASA has found life, drowned on Mars. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is the Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and we are not alone. Stay with us. The Topical is presented by can I get a drumroll please? Come on, no drumroll? Fine.
Cash App. It's Cash App. God you people are useless. I was going to make this fun, but it's too late now. I guess we'll just sit here in silence while we think about how if you download Cash App today, you get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical. There, you happy? It's the number one finance app in the App Store. Let's just move on. Let's quickly jump to the story OPR has been following all day.
NASA has announced that they've found life, drowned on Mars. The monumental discovery came earlier this morning when an orbiter's telescope zeroed in on a bloated specimen in a shallow pool of liquidy substance on the planet's northern lowlands. Here's aerospace engineer Janet Starks talking to the press earlier today at NASA's headquarters. The moment we saw that life form's frozen face and twisted agony, we knew that we had a definitive indicator of life on the red planet. Seeing those images come in of its eyes bulging out of its head and its body decomposing, it's something that we will never forget here at NASA.
Frankly, it moved many of us to tears of joy. Joining us now from NASA's headquarters is OPR science reporter Rebecca Neal. Rebecca, this is an outstanding discovery. It sure is, Leslie. The details of these groundbreaking images are truly breathtaking. Its rigor mortis limbs and skeletal structure bursting out of its swollen lungs. Most in the science community have only dreamed of a day like this. Just listening to her talk, I can't help but agree. I mean, I'm looking at the images right now and I am transfixed by how this thing is seemingly ballooned to probably three or four times its size to the point where its outer skin is about to burst. I agree, it's mesmerizing. So this is all remarkable, but what's next?
NASA is moving quickly to build a rover that will be able to travel to the drowned life form to take more detailed photos. Although NASA doesn't want to get its hopes up, they do believe the chances of the rover's running into more drowned life forms is very high. Keeping our fingers crossed there.
OPR's Rebecca Neal, thanks Rebecca. Thanks Leslie. So you've stockpiled all the canned goods and toilet paper that you could fit into your SUV and are hoarding an abundance in your home. Good!
But now that you have more than you need, how do you protect it? The answer is simple, with SimpliSafe. SimpliSafe offers award-winning protection and is everything you need in a home security system. It blankets your whole home in safety and keeps the looters away. Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you to anyone in need who might be approaching your home. Entry motion and glass break sensors guard the inside and keeps their grubby little hands off your bounty of resources. With SimpliSafe, you'll get an army of highly trained security experts ready to dispatch police to your home at a moment's notice if anyone so much as comes close to a single one of your 85 bottles of hand sanitizer.
So defend your closet full of Mega-Roll 2-ply paper gold by going to simplisafe.com slash topical today. And you'll get free shipping and a 60-day risk-free trial. You got nothing to lose, but everything to protect. Go now and be sure to go to simplisafe.com slash topical. That's simplisafe.com slash topical.
My God, I have it! I have a cure! A cure for your lack of coronavirus coverage. Roll up your sleeves, folks, cause here it comes.
In an effort to help stop the spread of coronavirus and promote social distancing practices, Idaho Governor Brad Little has ordered that the state's one and only restaurant be shut down. The loan eatery will remain closed until further notice from state officials. Restaurants aren't the only ones being hit hard by the coronavirus pandemic.
That's why Congress announced it will be allocating an additional $2 trillion in bailout funding to the struggling bailout industry. And finally, the CDC announced today that they are increasing the suggested length of hand-washing time to the duration of roughly one episode of The Topical. Officials added that when it comes to combating the spread of coronavirus, you can never really be too careful, and it doesn't hurt to wash a little longer if you're unsure. Like say for the length of two or three episodes, all of which are available wherever you get your podcasts. And that's it for this episode of The Topical. You can go ahead and start drying your hands now.
I'm Leslie Price, and I'll be honest, I'm starting to wonder why I'm the only one in the office today. It's not like Labor Day or something, is it? If anyone at OPR knows why no one else is working out of the office today, could you let me know? And definitely let me know if I don't need to come in tomorrow. I'd love to get a jumpstart on my weekend. Anyway, we'll see you next time. |
cracked | why_the_1_fact_of_military_history_is_a_lie_hilarious_helmet_history_2 | And, yes, I know I'm not wearing a helmet. It's a hat. I know, I know.
This episode is about history's most famous military tip. Never invade Russia in winter, made famous by those two land grabbers, and only one of those guys is associated with headgear that doesn't make a guy look like a big penis.
So, c'est la vie.
Napoleon and Hitler invaded Russia, because they wanted to catch them all, and by um, I mean countries. Oh god. They'd both conquered or scared most of Europe by 1812 and 1941, respectively. In both those years, Britain had too many boats to be invaded, so Adolf and the Napster both settled for attacking Earth's meat locker.
And they failed. Hard. Napoleon's failure was so epic, humanity invented infographics just to capture it. And you were told this narrative.
The greatest general of modern times and a Nazi cosplaying as him both ruined themselves by forgetting that Russia gets cold. But here's the truth. Historically, you're not stupid if you invade Russia in the winter. You're only stupid if you invade Russia without good planning, without a way through mud, and without checking the political climate. It's even bull**** to say Napoleon and Hitler invaded Russia in winter.
Man, they started their attacks in late June, and the attacks failed because of bad planning. In Napoleon's case, he got ropedoped. He planned to beat Russia by winning battle after battle. Eh, he also planned to feed his troops by letting them take food from the locals as they moved from place to place. But Russia used a Fabian strategy against Napoleon. Uh, it's named after this ancient Roman. It's a strategy where you retreat forever and destroy your own resources to wear out a stronger enemy. You avoid actually fighting them as long as possible. And Napoleon fell for that.
Over and over again, even though it's the oldest trick in the... whatever Europe had before books. Eh, scrolls? Erotic statues? I don't read.
By the time Napoleon got a chance to battle the Russians, he chased them 500 miles into their territory, with his troops starving the whole way. And then Napoleon botched the battle. He lost way too many troops, way too far from home, and he let the Russians keep retreating and retreating. When Napoleon planned to go even further from home and seize Moscow, the Russians burned it to the ground before he got there. And then they swore to keep fighting, which left Napoleon homeless in the heart of Russia without the right horse shoes to get his horse-based army back to France. And the story of Napoleon's defeat usually focuses on his wintry Hellmarch home. A lot of white paint. But the Russians put Napoleon's troops through Hellmarch's from day one. As Napoleon's own officers told him, he lost half his troops to death, starvation, and disease before the end of July, after one month of summer campaigning. Because congratulations, Napoleon, you played yourself.
Although I'd peg yourself playing at about a one on the meme scale. It's fine.
Hitler's stupidity maxes the scale out. Because Hitler made peace with Russia two years earlier, so he didn't really have to invade them. Hitler also planned to beat Russia super fast, somehow, so he decided the German army could march into Russia without coats, warm boots, or snow tires. They weren't ready to visit Minnesota, much less beat Stalin in an away game. Hitler also kept changing his invasion plan, impulsively, getting troops killed who didn't need to be killed, and prolonging the campaign by months. And, despite the advantages of another 120 years of technology, Hitler had just as much trouble with Russia's mud season as Napoleon did.
Yeah, Russia has a mud season. Fun place. You don't know about it, because you've never tried to conquer Europe, or watch the Russian weather channel. But Raspuditsa happens in Russia twice a year, in spring and autumn. It turns Russia's roads into muck, and Russia's land into impassable gunk. That's why both Napoleon and Hitler invaded Russia in June. June is between Raspuditsas.
But both megalomaniacs were dumb enough to still be rushing around in the autumn mud. They all died. And Napoleon was just kind of stuck.
You know, his highest tech was wagons and horses. He still shouldn't have made that mistake, but once you make that mistake, then those shoes in my palax. Whereas Hitler lived in the era of light, quick, treaded vehicles. Those do well in mud. Those don't wear out unless you run out of gas. Those make invading during Raspuditsa kind of sort of possible.
And Hitler didn't send those to Russia. He sent Jeeps and super heavy tanks and stuff. His advance on Moscow got stuck. And Germany didn't roll out a vehicle built for Russian mud till after their invasion failed.
You could not have played yourself harder, Hitler. You lost because you constantly shot yourself in the jackbooted foot. Not because of winter. And hey, Hitler, here's some more to suck on.
You and Napoleon are just about the only total failures when it comes to invading Russia. Tons of leaders conquered Russia. The conquering season is year round, and they succeeded by invading when Russia wasn't politically united. Like I said, Napoleon attacked a Russia willing to literally light itself on fire. Hitler attacked a psychotically motherland-loving Soviet Union. The commies made last stand after last stand, most famously at Stalingrad, with zero fear of casualties. But World War I's Germans knocked out Russia easily by attacking right after the Russian Revolution. 1918 Russia was such a mess, it disbanded its army in the middle of getting invaded. The king of Poland invaded Russia in 1610, and his small army conquered Moscow and a bunch of other cities because Russians were fighting over whether their king was actually a team of Catholic imposters called the false Demetries.
Look it up, it's amazing. History rules.
The Mongols conquered Russia in the 1230s. They had an easy time of it because Russia's princes were civil warring. And the Mongols conquered Russia in winter despite being 700 years behind Hitler in coat tech. Because Russia's as invadable as any other large place.
You just have to be smart enough. Smart, okay. Smart enough to, okay, I gotta, I need to stop.
I need to, I need to, this hat is very heavy. Can I get the helmet after all? Like the German, like the penis helmet. Can I just get the penis helmet?
Can you say that in the camera? Say, what do I say? The thing you just said.
Give me, oh, I see what's going on. Hey, thank you for watching. Do the YouTube things in the comments.
Let us know why is this hat? Like what, why? What could be, this is the least weird French hat I could find from the 1890, the least weird.
It's not even, like this almost fell off when I got coffee. How'd you ride a horse with it? |
CrackerMilk | running_our_own_daycare | Hello everyone and welcome back to the patreon exclusive podcast. Hello. How exciting as voted by you. Yeah We're doing daddy daycare thing. Hey boys. How are we? You know, I've been thinking about some real strong and hard. Yeah, what's up?
My dad wasn't around much when I was a kid and I think there's lots of people out there That have some shit dads man, and I've been thinking to myself What are we gonna do give them good that give them good dad You know the key to a good father Is you care for them and that's why here at daddy daycare We are looking after your dad our new program. We've implemented a bunch of new different Modules and different we've implemented a nice schedule. Well, we're gonna pamper them up. Yeah, I get them to a day spa We're gonna yeah, or as we call it the dad spa I've actually got one of the dads just um, he's come on the door now.
Yeah Let's let him in. Yeah, bring him in.
Hey, boys. Oh, hey, man. What's your name? Oh Dudley.
Hey, it's great to meet you. It's great to meet you.
Dudley. Sorry, Dudley Relationship with your child hit him Well, it's like you're getting the extensive treatment while you're at our stay. So come on Thing you'd like to do while you're here at daddy, okay, okay.
Hey one moment Here's the deal Obviously like we have that option available But the thing is do we trust him because it's under the books and if we let him in and he starts hitting his kid What are we gonna fucking do? Hey, we're gonna make sure he's safe. Okay. We didn't need to make sure he's safe But you know, who are we to tell?
We're not here to raise kids we're here to raise dads Okay Yeah, yeah, yeah none of you are wearing undies or pants If you suck us off We've got an extensive range of children that we've bought from a local orphanage that you can beat the shit out of That's it. That's a great that sounds like a great experience boys, but tell you what, um, I'm a big big manly bloke I'm not gonna suck any dicks today. Unfortunately fair enough. We'll hit my kid though No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no unless you suck us off. Okay, that is off limits All right. What can I do instead if I can't hit my kid? What else have I got as a dad? Okay. Well, you could hit some balls down at the tennis court. We've got for you, mate It's not available unless You suck us off. Yeah. Yeah, and I can't be violent towards my child. Unless you suck us off. So I won't be doing because I'm a big big bloke and if you're not gonna be doing it We're not okay with you hitting your kids. What can I do then if not hit my kid? How can I fulfill my role as a good dad? well What we do dad before me hit me with tennis balls and cricket bats and in his fists and his dad before him used rocks and sticks and Prehistoric items as those long ago. All right.
Well, um, hey, um, it's time to get our Coach in he's gonna be taking a few of the classes for the daddy day cares in here Hey We're gonna be doing some dad training today, um, it's good to have you all here Okay, and there's a few things we're gonna do Okay, so first is of course some movements and postures just to get the blood flowing. Yes Well, what we're gonna practice today is a classic movement throughout all fathers.
So you're gonna love it and it's really good for you Okay, so get your clamp like this for me. Okay, hold it like this Now what you are is you are the silver tongs on your favorite Weber Now you're gonna grab Must say I'm in heaven, isn't that good? Can we get a little spatula for the onions?
Let's move on I love a barbecue. I love a classic barbecue The thing about dad is we've all grown up when the antennas would control the quality of the television and grab your antennas Okay, and we want to bend the antennas toward us to make the signal work Oh When do I beat my kid well the thing is okay, um, we've been over this you need to suck us off for the child Yes, of course now now I think that's probably the part of it that's concerning you is um you're just a little afraid of your masculinity being in a Mask you what but if you keep pushing this dick-sucking thing I don't think you boys gonna have much business anymore at your daddy daycare. Mmm. I don't know we got a lot of action Business, I mean we do pretty well It's one customer right and the other thing is like what we don't have any customers you and I can just suck each other Off, you know self-suck.
Yeah. No, well night.
Well, we're just sucking each other off So it's not a self-sucking so you're sucking you yourself but you're sucking your mate. Yeah, it's like it's a self Self sucking is sucking yourself.
Yes, correct. Yeah agree on that.
No, that's self-sucking. No, that is self-sucking That's self-sucking by when you're sucking someone else off. That's not No, that's not a self-sucking. That's self-sucking your mate self-sucking you mate. Yeah, nothing gay about that Nothing gay about your mate self-sucking you mate is just sucking that's just regular sucking. No, it's self self-sucking Look, I think there's a bit of confusion. There's nothing gay about self-sucking.
What if if I want to beat me kid?
All right, what if I just self-suck both of you nothing wrong with I can't even give you a blowjob but I'll sell suck you both I'm fine with that because I'm aware that self-sucking is just a self-suck. Yeah. Yeah head you're giving yourself Self-sucking your mate. Look, I'm okay for a self-suck as well Tell me the difference between a normal blowjob and self-sucking you may blow job dick goes in your mouth All right Self-suck your mates dick goes in your mouth It's Just sucking the mate self-sucking you might also can you give a blowjob to a mate? No, no, that's gay You got a self-sucking what if you gay you can give a blowjob to your mate if you gay right now yourself suck you might Okay, sure self-suck us.
All right, fuck it Beat a kid now. Yeah, you can but there's one more thing we got to show you we're actually Undercover FBI CIA NSA agents working for the SS Jesus Christ, and we're gonna hit this kid before you because we were first in line and and also You're under arrest for what?
Self-sucking a mate fuck. It's illegal here to self-suck your mate.
It's rule number one when you enter daddy daycare There's only one thing I can do after this. What's that? Suck my own dick You're free to go you're free to go Thanks for listening everyone thanks for voting you voted for this is what you wanted fair enough will hit my kid though Unless you suck us off. Okay, that is off-limits. All right. What can I do instead if I can't hit my kid? What else have I got as a dad? Okay. Well, you could hit some balls down at the tennis court We've got for you mate It's not available unless You suck us off. Yeah.
Yeah, and I can't be violent towards my child. No, unless So I won't be doing because I'm a big big block and if you're not gonna be doing it We're not okay with you hitting your kids. What can I do then if not hit my kid?
How can I fulfill my role as a good dad? well What we do dad before me hit me with tennis balls and cricket bats and in his fists and his dad before him use rocks and sticks and Prehistoric items as those long ago. All right. Well, um, hey, um, it's time to get our Coach in he's going to be taking a few of the classes for the daddy day cares in here We're gonna be doing some dad training today, um, it's good to have you all here Okay, and there's a few things we're gonna do Okay, so first is of course some movements and postures just to get the blood flowing. Yes Well, what we're gonna practice today is a classic movement throughout all fathers.
So you're gonna love it and it's really good for you Okay, so get your clamp like this for me. Okay, hold it like this Now what you are is you are the silver tongs on your favorite webber now, you're gonna Must say I'm in heaven. Isn't that good? Can we get a little spatula for the onions? Yeah Oh, yeah That's good Let's move on.
I love a barbecue. I love a classic barbecue You know the thing about dad is we've all grown up when the antennas would control the quality of the television and grab your antennas Okay, and we want to bend the antennas toward us to make the signal work Back this way.
Yeah Oh When do I beat my key well the thing is okay, um, we've been over this you need to suck us off for the child Yes, of course now now I think that's probably the part of it that's concerning you is um, you're just a little afraid of your masculinity being in a Mask you what but if you keep pushing this dick-sucking thing I don't think you boys gonna have much business anymore at your daddy daycare. I don't know we got a lot of action Business, I mean we do pretty well It's one customer right and the other thing is like what we don't have any customers you and I can just suck each other Or you know self-suck.
Yeah.
No, well, no, well, we're just sucking each other off. So it's not a self-suck No sucking so you're sucking you yourself, but you're sucking your mate. Yeah, it's like it's a self Self sucking is sucking yourself.
Yes, correct. We all agree on that.
No, that's self-sucking No, that is self-sucking that's self-sucking by when you're sucking someone else off. That's not No, that's not a self-suck that's self-sucking your mate self-sucking your mate. Yeah, nothing gay about that Nothing gay about your mate self-sucking your mate is just sucking that's just regular sucking. No, it's self self-sucking Look, I think there's a bit of confusion. There's nothing gay about self-sucking.
What if if I want to beat me kid?
All right. What if I just self-suck both of you nothing wrong with not gonna be give you a blow gel But I'll sell suck you both I'm fine with that because I'm aware that self-sucking is just a self-suck. Yeah.
Yeah head you're giving yourself Self-sucking your mate. Look, I'm okay for a self-suck as well Tell me the difference between a normal blowjob and self-sucking you may blow job dick goes in your mouth All right Self-suck your mates dick goes in your mouth. It's just sucking a mate self-sucking you might also Can you give a blowjob to a mate? No, no, that's gay You got a self-suck. What if you're gay you can give it blow job to your mate if you're gay, right? No yourself suck you might Okay, sure self suck us.
All right, fuck it Alright, I beat a kid now. Yeah, you can but it's one more thing. We got to show you we're actually Undercover FBI CIA NSA agents working for the SS Jesus Christ, and we're gonna hit this kid before you because we were first in line and and also You're under arrest for what Self-sucking a mate fuck it's illegal here to self-suck you mate. It's rule number one when you enter daddy daycare There's only one thing I can do after this. What's that? suck my own dick You're free to go you're free to go Thanks for listening everyone thanks for voting you voted for this is what you wanted |
dropout | bleep_bloop_back_to_the_future_games | Welcome to Bleep Loop, brought to you by Mountain Dew Voltage. I'm your host, Jeff Rubin, here with me from MTV's The College Humor Show, Amir Blumenfeld. On the other catch, my co-host, Pat Cassels, and from Petehomes.com, comedian Pete Holmes.
Today we are playing games based on Back to the Future. Let's start by going back in time, all the way to 1985, to the original Nintendo, with the first Back to the Future game, Back to the Future.
Like Hill Valley, but I've seen neither hills nor valleys.
Hahaha. Discuss. Hahaha. Man, the perspective in this game is weird. So it's a bird's eye view, yet we can still see you standing up, so you're crawling on the floor. This was the 80s, back in the 50s. Oh my god, whoa, what was that? We just danced. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty bad, but there's significantly worse Nintendo. Watch out, Marty, a bench! Hahaha.
They had a meeting where they were like, okay, people like Paperboy, people like Paperboy, take Paperboy, okay, take him off the bike. Don't change it at all, take him off the bike, no bike, people don't like moving fast. He's still moving forward and he can't stop himself. Work this tornado in agreement. Take away the papers, he throws bowling balls.
Why? Because he's Marty McFly.
Let's move on to our next game, never released in America, Super Back to the Future 2 for Super Nintendo. But we just played Back to the Future!
Duck is an evil king. He looks like the flying dog from the Never Ending Story. Well, they have flying glory.
Yeah, in Japan it was released as called today. What I like about this game is that it's obviously very, very Japanese, yet still recognizably Back to the Future. Yeah. So this game's all hoverboards, straight hoverboards. That's a pretty smart move. Look at him, he's like, yeah, you like this? You like the way I do this? Yeah, pick up the coins, yeah.
I feel like I fall down every step I take to like a new lower level. It was a sad poetry. Sorry, I'm reading the end of the level haiku.
We're going to end our adventure on Universal Theme Park Adventures, which features a Back to the Future The Ride level. So it's a Back to the Future The Ride the game.
Hey, where we're going we don't need roads, but luckily there's a road. It's still better than no roads. We don't need it, but it's better than nothing.
I guess I should say deleted C's for Back to the Future. Like if you showed me 10 seconds and you were like, there's a game where you get to race around in the DeLorean and it flies around, I'd be like, awesome, I don't care how bad it is. Yeah, and you hit the clock. I legitimately believe this is one of the worst games I've ever seen. I like how if you get too far behind, he'll just like stop and wait for you. This game is just slapping you. Were you going to ram me?
It's made by a mom. It's like, make it a race. Make him feel like he's close. Back to the Future games, concluding thoughts. What have we learned today? This third one, like you said kind of, like it makes me yearn for an actual, someone to get it right. There's something there. It's amazing that of all the Back to the Future games that 8-bit Nintendo one is actually the best. Sometimes an inferior system is where the good ones are. There's a really, really, really good Back to the Future games for the Lynx. It kind of makes sense because much like the movies, the third one is the worst one. And it was made in 1844. |
dropout | grindr_profile_picture_day | Okay, we'll get you standing right over here. I gotta tell you, I'm so excited to finally take some pictures for some gay people.
Oh, yeah? Yes. Straight's always one of these crazy pictures where you can't tell what they, uh... Do you mind just going... Lullar. Okay. Well, I don't know what I was expecting. So I can just write anything I want? Yes, but you want to get people's attention, so put your best foot forward as they say. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that'll, that'll do it.
Oh, cool, you work out? I have worked out...
What Jim D is?
Let's just go with Equinox. That's the hot one, right? Yeah, okay.
Ugh. Ew, the burn.
Listen, I'll be honest, the picture's really more important than the profile, so whatever you say is fine. Uh, yeah, cool. Unless you say that. Do you mind just going just a little lower? See, people won't know who you are then.
Right, yeah. Lullar. Okay. Alright, I'm ready.
Hey, why don't you take your sunglasses off and, uh, you know, smile a little bit? Don't you see?
I'm better than this app. And why are you doing this? Because I'm lonely. No taps!
Can you frame this up for me? Is that you? At one point, yes. Did you get it?
Ooh, what are you fellas doing here? We're taking profile pictures for Grindr. Oh wow, could we take a look?
You know? We've always been so curious. Yeah, just, you know, it can be kind of a lot. We get it. We've seen a lot.
I've been abroad. Gonna phase me when you're ready?
Huh, I don't think you get what Grindr is. I don't think you know what Grindr is.
No, I do. Oh. So is that, like, better or... You can't say something shitty and excuse it by saying just a preference. The old racist shop owners, with no Irish signs in their window, just had a preference too. Gotcha. Ah, so it's just like Tinder. Not really.
What is that? Hun, what is that? Is that just a...
Oh my god, it's an asshole! That's just a huge hard closeup of an asshole!
What goes on here? Come on, a little lower. Go ahead and face me when you're ready. Okay, so we're just, we're all saying eight and a half inches, that's just what we're doing now.
Cool. That's cool. Yeah, just a little lower.
Okay, why even have a profile picture at all? Good idea. What am I even doing here?
Two of you, huh? Yeah, do you think you can get us both in? Oh. I can get you both in.
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor. If you like that, check out Dropout, our subscription service where you can chat with the cast on an exclusive Dropout Discord.
You'll get all sorts of behind the scenes information, like, uh, uh, like, uh, huh? Our desks do that. It's... Welcome to Hollywood, baby, you know? Oh, that's as high as it goes. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Week_Of_May_16th_2014 | Congress splits into male and female senators to discuss the newest reproductive bill, a man feels guilty about chowing down at a 9-11 museum cafe, and extravagant new window blinds are inspired by the latest styles from Venice. No longer burdened by the shackles of human logic or morality, this is the Onion Week in Review. A report published this week found that a growing number of Americans are being forced to make ends meet by collaborating on songs with Miami-based rapper Pitbull. Citing rising income inequality and a turbulent job market, the report found many U.S. citizens moonlighting as recording artists, mixing drum beats, and guest-starring on tracks for the Latin American producer. It's exhausting between being part of Pitbull's entourage anytime he's on a club tour and mixing new hooks for him every few nights. I barely see my wife anymore. It's not like I want to do another remix with Avicii, but we really need the money. Okay, uh, sure, I need to get back to work.
In a groundbreaking find, paleontologists this week unearthed the earliest known dinosaur stickers on record. Reportedly discovered in a box labeled Greg's Room, the excavated remains of the reptile adhesives include such stunning specimens as a triceratops featuring the words dino's rock, an apatosaurus sticker, and the extremely rare puffy kind.
Both a Pittsfield High School junior and her chemistry teacher applied for the same summer waitressing job this week, with the two telling reporters that they hoped past restaurant experience would help them earn the position. I'm just hoping that if I get enough shifts, I might be able to save up enough money to buy a car. The bus sucks. Well, it could be a used Corolla or something. Nothing fancy, I just need something to get from point A to point B. I really don't want to have to ride the bus again next year.
And in this week's sports news, one million gather in a confetti-filled Times Square as the U.S. unveils its World Cup roster. In other news, budget woes force heaven to reduce eternal life to 500 billion years, a military-level operation is currently being planned to get a grandmother through graduation, and a stone-hearted ice witch foregoes an exclamation point. Since the accident took away my ability to walk or feed myself, I have taken no greater joy than narrating these reviews. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | prank_war_3_amir_s_audition | Hey everybody, it's me, Streeter, and it's prank war time again. When you last saw me, I was being embarrassed by Amir, which she got me, I will admit, very good when he tricked me into going on a fake date with a fake girl.
Very cute. That was a good one. I'll get you back though. So I had to come back with something really good. So I spent about two weeks working on this one, and I'm really happy with the results.
Basically, what I did was I posted something on Craigslist in LA saying we're looking for comedy actors and impersonators for this new pilot for a major network, and I listed all these ridiculous impressions someone would have to do. And then I told Amir Cohen, who also works here, who's one of Amir's best friends, to send it to Amir and be like, you've got to do this. This is perfect for you. So of course he did. And then I kind of had to set it up a little weird because I didn't want him finding out it was me. So I had my friend, Neil, who lives in LA, act as this casting director for Intrepid casting. And after a week and an email or two back and forth, Amir finally made a tape of all these impressions and sent it to the casting agency, which Neil, my buddy, immediately sent back across the country to me. So I finally have it, and why don't we take a look at Amir's very serious attempt to get on this fake sketch comedy pilot from major fake network TV station. So our first impression is Jerry Seinfeld, an old Amir standby.
What's the name of the kind of fools? They're not cops, and they're not fools.
An angry tuna sandwich. Don't eat me, buddy. Don't eat me. Carlos Mencia. Yo, we have beaters, they won't even build the wall here.
A drunk rabbi on a date. Oi, this man of Chevitz is killing me. It's absolutely killing me.
Smarmyhobo. Hey buddy, if I wanted a dollar, I'd call your mother. Um, Neil Armstrong. That's one small spit for man, one giant leap for mankind. Um, a man dying from a gunshot wound. Uh, a racist clown. And notice, notice how he picks a stereotype that isn't even true.
Hey, kids. Do you know what time it is? Of course you do, you kids are Asian. All Asians know what time it is.
Um, a Canadian. Hi, yes. Yes, hi, hello. Welcome, welcome, yes, welcome to my house. Uh, have some tea. Feel. I hope this means the singer. There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain, baby. Uh, an Italian art film director. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Uh, Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon, uh, which he thinks he thinks he can do a very good Jimmy Fallon impression, and it's fucking miserable. I did a good Jimmy Fallon.
Yeah, that's right. Uh, a really fat gym coach. Click! Borlage! Get down and give him a 50. Uh, and lastly, oh, sorry, two more. A deaf person on a toilet. This is one of the papers. And lastly, Robin Williams. Oh, yes, yeah. Oh, here comes lines up an alley. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, uh, ooh. And that's it.
And the best thing about it, uh, is that kind of an added bonus, is that Amir, when he does this kind of thing, takes on a stage name, which is Andy Bloom, naturally. Um, I look forward to hearing from you, and I hope this cape arrives safe and sound. Uh, thank you very much again for the opportunity. My name is, uh, Andy Bloom.
Uh, so now I'm gonna play it, uh, for The Office and see what everyone else thinks. So this is the Office screening, as I'm doing this audition tape. Jerry Seinfeld.
What's the name of your album? My album!
Andrew Tunis Sanders. Ah! Tony!
Uh, Carlos Mejia. Hurry up, man. Give it! You think we have feelings that wouldn't go along here! I know! I'm drunk around mine on a date. Boy, this man is shabby to kill me! I want to kill him! Um... Uh, excuse me. Hey, dude.
Yo, new office. Yeah, our bathroom. Better or worse than our old bathroom?
Oh, Jesus. It's weird because you have to use a code. So not everybody knows the code. So what we do is that we take the code... What's up, Andy?
I knew it! I fucking knew it!
Stop! Andy Bloom. Yo, did you get the part? Did you get the part? Yo, yo!
I killed him! You broke up this man of shit!
Conan was in on it. But I sent it to all of you! Yeah, you sent it to my friend, Neil. You sent it back to me! Dude, you're gonna have to step it up if you want to get me back. Oh, my God! Yo, if it makes any difference, everybody really enjoyed it.
That sucks. Don't put that on, Mio. You know I have to. Don't put it on. You know how much work I put into this? Don't put it on. I'm serious. No way, dude. That's like two weeks getting this together. Come on.
Admit it. I got you. Admit it.
When I made it, I knew I was like, this is gonna be the most embarrassing thing. And it is! You really sold it, though. I realized I can't go into work. It was basically totally short of it. You're already in work. No, but I really wanted to talk to you about the bathrooms. I hate you. |
dropout | doctor_sim | Dr. Sim, I've done the preliminary check-up. The boy has a bad fever and it's only getting worse, so we need to act fast.
Curse it, Fritzelmizal. Snobberforn is?
Yes, it is sunny outside. Here's his chart, so let's move things along. Um, thankfully, his parents have been pumping him with fluids, which should pay off in the long run, although at this point I'm not totally sure. Doctor, we really do need to move things along. Take the chart and let's go, okay?
No, robot. Darn legal. Cork. We honestly don't have time for you to use the restroom, okay?
So just take his chart and let's go check on the boy. What's the status? He's not looking very good.
Okay, Doctor, we'll... Doctor, move the table out of the way. Sure, Flee. Quake Isaiah. Here's your stethoscope, Doctor. Doctor, check his heartbeat. Doctor, I am only trying to do my job here.
Very easy, my toilet. Snapperforn has.
Oh, you're right, it is so nice out, Doctor. Can we get back to the patient, please?
He doesn't look very good.
Ziggy ziggy ziggy ziggy! Ziggy ziggy ziggy ziggy ziggy!
Oh, come on. That is totally inappropriate. Come on, help me out here. Fart you, Tina. I'm trying to get a race here. He's here. Well that's clearly not the way to go about getting what- oh come on!
Doctor, we do not have time for this, did you really just- you couldn't hold it? Doctor, the patient is unresponsive! I'm sorry, that took a very quick and intense turn for the worse, but we did everything that we could do. I'm sure the doctor is very torn up about this.
You're right! This is a lot of fun! Woo! |
dropout | josh_s_mindhouse_learon_gives_back | Josh's Mind House So, uh, Laren, why don't you tell us about this project that you have underway? There's so much going on in the world right now, like people are upset, falling trees, ash in the sky People are like eating each other, people are being held in cellars and like, Charlie Steren's dead Storms, like, what's going on in Haiti right now? What's going on here right now? There's a really bad earthquake No, seriously, what's going on here right now? Here's the thing, like, people respect me, like, that's the bottom line is because I have so much When someone that has everything is rich and they're in the smaller people's environment A lot of people like to look up to them because they're influential Could I offer various things to Haiti? Yes Could I offer various monies? Yes Vespas, houses, house in the Swiss country hills, house in the West African Indies Exotic animal bones, both exotic and not exotic Televisions, maxi-pads The thing is, like, I have more than most people have in a lifetime And I could offer them a lot of things, a lot of material things that make people happy Yes, okay, you have an argument But what I'm going to offer, I'm going to offer my name to the American English language What kind of advantages do you think that would actually have? I think it would be advantageous for several reasons, like, okay, like Think of the possibilities, okay, laryngitis, laryne monopoeia Will it go around in circles? Children of laryning disorders, higher laryning Think of, like, all their names, like, if famous people decided to integrate my names It would be very big, like, larynardo the caprio, laryn bird, princess laryn Famous director of the fountain, laryn larynovsky Laryn McDonald, laryn old reagan, Scientologist, creator, and founder, laryn huppert I'm going to marry a dictionary now Mariam Webster, corporate offices, this is mary speaking, how may I help you? Hello, mary, what's up, it's laryn Hello, she hung up on me It's fine, dude |
cracked | if_disney_cartoon_animals_were_scientifically_accurate | I'm king now. You know what that means, don't you? That I'm your queen and we'll rule together? That I'll be mating with every lioness here, most of whom you're related to, so let's just not make this weird. Simba, aren't you my boyfriend now? Alright, fine, I'll be your boyfriend. God. But I'm also everyone's king. So what?
Which means I need to put it to them whenever they're in heat, including your mom, up to a hundred times a day so that the pride lasts for generations. Ugh, my mom's like 13. Now lions can get birth till they're 15.
So you're acting so cold. I love you! I love you too.
But it's a numbers game on this savannah. So I have to have a lot of sex with a lot of lions. I'm gonna be sick. Oh, come on, you're not the one that has to have sex with their own mother. So let's run away and live happily ever after. And leave the pride unprotected? So love is meaningless. Hey, let's have sex.
I would really like that. I would really like that too.
Let's go. I last 21 seconds, which works out great for me because they're all waiting. SEX! I should let you know, my penis is spiked. I'm aware. I fornicated with Scar since I was two and a half. Only that old? Yeah, and I've had ten cubs die already. But hey, Hakuna Matata, right? Yeah. Otherwise I'd have to kill your cubs to force you into heat. Because you're my boo? Yeah, I am. Yours and everyone else's. Get it. I'm Daniel. |
TheOnion | Video_Game_Consists_Solely_Of_Shooting_People_In_Face | Video game fans are lining up today to be the first to purchase Close Range, the hotly anticipated video game in which players repeatedly shoot people point blank in the face. Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks, Bobby. Close Range is already being hailed by critics as the most important game of the year. The first person shooter creates an immersive, richly detailed world where players shoot people in the face with guns. Players say it brings a new level of depth to gaming. Just like great literature of film transports you to different worlds, Close Range transports you to a world where you fire bullets into an endless stream of faces. Fans say it's the game's well-developed characters and storyline that make Close Range so compelling. You just feel like you're inside this complex character who's thrust into a world where he has to blow people's heads off. The plot follows AJ, a man with a mysterious past who must explode hundreds of thousands of human faces on a quest to save his kidnapped brother. But Close Range's single-player story is just the beginning. Its outstanding multiplayer mode offers unparalleled interactivity by allowing players to blast each other's faces off. With hundreds of hidden extras like side missions where players can take a break from shooting people in the face to shoot animals in the face, Close Range will keep players hooked for weeks. And with the sequel Close Range 2 Chainsaw Dawn continuing the epic story next fall, Close Range fans have even more to look forward to. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_last_night_the_prequel | Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Please, please, dig and reblog. Wow, don't sound desperate. Sorry.
There he is!
I cannot even believe you came into work today, man. Why? It's not President's Day, is it? Dude, after last night, bro? Oh, bro. Whoa, why? I don't know, though, bro.
What do you think you did last night? I went to Blockbuster, I rented N64 and Snowboard Kids. Why, do you want to come over or something?
Do you seriously not remember? No. We got drunk last night. Yeah, I don't. I honestly don't remember. Did we?
Oh, my God. It's called blacking out, man. You must have forgot the entire night.
Yeah, I think so. This is awesome. Shit, I had no idea you could drink that much. You know you could drink that much? Yeah, definitely. Why? How much, though? Try three bottles of vodka. Yeah, I knew that. I could drink more than that, I think so. I know you can, because you had some fucking gin right after.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the gym nastics. Yeah, they call you the gym guzzler, yo. Yeah, they call me the gym guzzler, yo. The gym guzzler, you were dancing?
You were out on the dance floor. You're all being fucking weird. You're shaking your shit around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone thought you looked like an asshole.
Okay. Except for one girl. Oh.
Who's gotten into it. She walks over to you. She's all swagging. You got your confidence.
I'll turn down.
You can grab her by the waist.
Sure. All right, not me. And you were like, hey, babe, you kissed her right on the mouth. That's what I'm talking about. And then she fucking puked all over you. It was crazy. Yeah, you don't remember this. I do. Yeah. You were fucking cussing her out. You were all pissed about it.
And the bouncer, he comes over. He's like, hey, you're yelling at this girl. And her, no. Then her boyfriend came over. Hey, man. No, no, no. And he was like, I'm going to kick your ass.
You're fucking pleading with your eyes. You're like, please don't take my life. Please don't take my life. You're begging him with your eyes.
And he fucking, you're peeing in your pants. You remember pissing your pants. He felt bad for you. And he just tossed you out on the curb. You crawled back in. And you were like, oh, fuck.
Please take it. I need to get home. Let me broke 10 bucks to get home. Please, please, please. Then I lent you 10 bucks. And I want that back now.
And I won't tell anybody about what happened last night. OK. I only have a 20. But why don't you take it? And you don't tell anybody about last night twice. Deal. The Rosie movie's on me. Let me get another 20. I don't want to make him walk.
I'm going to take a cat. We're going to cat it. I'm going to cat it.
Oh. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_should_we_embrace_death | You know what, I'm not afraid of death, because I know that waiting for me will be 99 ready and willing Virgin Strawberry Deckery's EMO. When I die, I hope it's peacefully in my sleep and I'm surrounded by all my friends and my family and a behind the wheel of a car so I can take them all with me to hell. We have two functions, surviving and reproducing.
So if you're not surviving, you better be fucking your way to that heart attack. I hope you die first. Well, we're gonna die together. No, I think you might die first just because you're unhealthy. No way, man, we're gonna die at the same time. Why do you think we'll die at the same time? Because it'll be a car accident.
I don't think we should embrace death. It's like poop, it's a natural part of life, but that doesn't mean I wanna give it a hug. Well, I've already seen all of Breaking Bad and read all of Harry Potter, so what exactly do I have left to live for? I do believe we should embrace death.
I mean, it's not as if we have a choice. Or, wait, do we have a choice?
In that case, I wanna live forever. Oh, man, I'm finally gonna see a decent Superman movie, I hope.
Death isn't scary. Just think of it as letting your bones out for a walk.
And that's the plot of my new movie, Little Pelvis and the Big City. Kids hate it, moms do too.
Danny G's surefire ways to become a ghost. Numero uno, make sure that when you're about to die, you make a to-do list and you check none of the boxes so you have a lot of unfinished business. Numero dos, make sure that when you're really just about to die, your last words are, no, I had so much left to do. And then number three, when the corner pulls the sheet over your head, cause you're dead, make sure that you already cut out the holes, ha ha, boo, muh.
If I were a ghost, it would be awesome because I could finally live in the body of a sexy mannequin and seduce janitors who work the night shift. I can't wait to die and become a ghost so I can start haunting shit. You know what, fuck it, let's ghost up right now. I can't wait to finally shuffle off this mortal coil, cause, hey, you know, maybe I'll get to find out what a mortal coil is. Ooh, I'm a ghost.
Ha ha ha, fuck you, dude.
I miss being alive.
What are we even doing, man? Making a joke video for the internet. We're all dead anyway. Point of any of this. Enjoy the tally.
As if we have a choice. Or, wait, do we have a choice?
In that case, I wanna live forever. Oh man, I'm finally gonna see a decent Superman movie, I hope.
Death isn't scary. Just think of it as letting your bones out for a walk.
And that's the plot of my new movie, Little Pelvis in the Big City.
Kids hate it, moms do too.
Danny G's surefire ways to become a ghost. Numero uno, make sure that when you're about to die you make a to-do list and you check none of the boxes so you have a lot of unfinished business. Numero dos, make sure that when you're really just about to die, your last words are, no, I had so much left to do. And then number three, when the corner pulls the sheet over your head, cause you're dead, make sure that you already cut out the holes.
Ha ha, boo, muh.
If I were a ghost, it would be awesome because I could finally live in the body of a sexy mannequin and seduce janitors who work the night shift. I can't wait to die and become a ghost so I can start haunting shit. You know what, fuck it, let's ghost up right now. I can't wait to finally shuffle off this mortal coil, cause, hey, you know, maybe I'll get to find out what a mortal coil is. Ooh, I'm a ghost!
Ha ha ha, fuck you, dude!
I miss being alive.
What are we even doing, man? Making a joke video for the internet? We're all dead anyway, it's the point of any of this.
Enjoy the tally. Hey! Ooh! |
TheOnion | Barbara_Bush_Runs_Aground_Off_Coast_Of_Maine | Now an update on the situation with the former First Lady. Reporter Jack Bergen is live on the coast of Maine, where Barbara Bush still remains stuck in the sand. Jack, what's the scene like there? Frustration is growing, Brandon. Just down the coast from here, rescuers have been working around the clock since Saturday trying to figure out a way to haul Mrs. Bush out of the shallow sand without damaging her. But up to this point, very little progress has been made. The Coast Guard is now keeping reporters at a safe distance away, but even from where I'm standing, I can still make out the former First Lady's plane of cries as she struggles in vain to free herself. That's terrible. Why is it taking so long for crews to free her? Mrs. Bush ran aground almost three days ago. Well, according to the Coast Guard, rescue efforts have been hampered by the weather, as well as the former First Lady's uncooperative attitude. Mrs. Bush's clumsy thrashing has only wedged her even deeper into sand, and she seems to be growing more upset by the minute. We've heard reports that a member of the Coast Guard was injured. Can you give us an update on that?
I can. A little bit earlier today, Mrs. Bush apparently became frightened and lashed out at a rescuer, sending him flying about 25 feet. He's now being treated for a concussion and bite wounds. That sounds dreadful, but isn't there a way to subdue Mrs. Bush? Rescue workers did try it earlier with some tranquilizer darts, but they just weren't sharp enough to pierce her thick hide.
How much longer are they predicting that the operation will take? It's really hard to say. Right now, workers are just playing a waiting game. Once she becomes calm enough, the Army Corps of Engineers plans to try to lift the former First Lady out of the sand using the crane and winch. The president has not yet visited the scene of the rescue attempt, but he made this statement earlier today.
She is unshakable. She is unyielding. She is unstoppable.
Jack, what's the best case scenario? Brandon, I'm sorry.
Something is happening at the shore. I can just make out Mrs. Bush's silhouette. She appears to be marching violently now that the Coast Guard is instructing us to clear the area. This could signal that Mrs. Bush has made it to solid ground.
I will get back to you. I'll have more. I need to relocate to a safer area. All right, Jack, take care of yourself, and thank you very much. We will continue to follow that story.
But first, at a campaign rally in Ohio today, John McCain courted Asian American voters with an elaborate dragon dance. |
SaturdayNightLive | mother_s_day_2024_cold_open_snl | And now a special Mother's Day message from the cast of Snl. I'm here tonight with my mommy, Anne, because, as you know, it is Mother's Day in about 29 minutes. So, still plenty of time to buy a gift. I told you, Mom, my children are my gift to you. So, me babysitting them is my gift? How generous. Anyway, with so many upsetting stories in the world right now, we thought we'd take a break from a regular cold open and hear some heartwarming stories from our moms instead.
Really? that's too bad. I was excited to see who was gonna play Stormy Daniels. come on.
Mom, I love you and I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me. Well, thanks, Andrew.
I brought photos. you what? here's one of Andrew in the bathtub when he was three. And I also brought one of Andrew in the bathtub when he was 23.
All right, Mom, thanks for coming. it's a tasteful nude. Mom, I'm so excited you're here tonight.
Me, dear Chloe, can you believe it? I'm at the Roast of Tom Brady. Oh, no, no, Mom, that was on Sunday. Can I still do my joke? I guess. Tom Brady's marriage finished so quickly. I thought it was your Dad.
Hey, guys, this is my mom, Mary. My Mom is more than just a mom. you're like a supermom, and you're like a superdaughter because you're sweet, you're funny, and you're stronger than any man I've ever met. That's right. so proud of you, Honey. Oh, thanks, Mom. is there anything special you want for Mother's Day? you know, you've already given me the greatest gift of all, that Beavis and Butt-head sketch. Everyone knows me as Butt-head's Mom. Butt-head's Mom. Yeah, nice. I'm so happy you're here, Mom.
Oh, I love watching you on the show, honey. it's the best part of my Sunday. Wait, you watch the show on Sunday? Well, doesn't everybody watch it on Sunday?
I'm being Saturday's. I'm in the club. Well, Mom, you always ask what it's like to wear a bald cap on the show. and now I know, it's hot, it's itchy, and it's going to make this our dumbest Christmas card photo ever. This is my Mom. everything I do, all my work here, I do it for her.
Except the stuff that bombs. right. Except the stuff that bombs. those ones I do for my Dad.
Can you believe we're on Snl together, Mom? I knew you would be great on this show from all the funny home videos you used to make. I love going. Mom, that wasn't me. I know, but it's funny. Hey, Mom, are you excited to be here? of course I am, and I love all the incredible impressions you do. Oh, thanks, Mom. want to see me do an impression? Uh, sure. Well, in third grade, you lost your game boy, and this is what you did. doesn't sound like me. Mom, I'm so happy you're here, Mom. I can't believe it, Marcelo. you grew up so fast, but not so high.
Thanks. And can I just say something? Sure, yeah. all the male cast members have been so nice to me. Oh, wow. Michael Che even gave me flowers. wow. but the note was just a phone number.
Okay, my mom, everybody, thank you. Are you excited to be here too, Mom? Oh, so excited. I need to find Lord Michaels and say thank you. without him, where would you be? a successful doctor at a progress surprise? Thanks a lot, Mom. Okay. Mom, can you believe him on Saturday Night Live? honestly, no, I always hoped you'd be on jackass. But hey, this is your week to shine. what do you mean? Well, R.f.k. Jr. said they found a worm in his brain. you could be the worm. Aw, thanks, Mom.
And we're only sort of in the cast, so they would only let us invite our dads. Dad, you're not supposed to smoke in here. you can just relax. just crack.
Well, Mom, we're last. because we ran out of time, and we had to cut Colin and his mom in matching haircuts. wait a minute. if I don't have a line, I don't get paid. Well, how do you think I feel? I mean, I spent days growing this out. Well, Mom, do you have an uplifting message from the moms to end on?
I do. we are from all over the country, from every side of the political spectrum. But we have one thing in common. we love our children with all our hearts.
Oh, wow. that's really sweet. I heard Tom Brady joke, too. Tom Brady is so handsome. he's so giving me a call. Mom, you're married to Dad.
Oh, it's Mother's Day, Steve. I'll help. Okay. everybody gets one. Well, everybody get back on stage. Happy Mother's Day from everyone at S&l. |
SaturdayNightLive | herschel_walker_cold_open_snl | Well, Senator, republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday. you know, Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy. did you say it was like a Comedy Central roast up there? I, uh, think I could use some help, uh, send them in. Hershel Walker. Mr. Hey there, Miss Mcdonald's. I'm sorry I'm late. I was having too much fun in that free merry-go-round y'all got out front. that's a revolving door, Hershel. have a seat. a great job on your campaign, Hershel. Yes, excellent. You remember former Majority Whip Senator John Cornyn? no. And, uh, of course, Marsha Blackburn senator from Tennessee. Oh, your highness.
Well, Hershel, the midterms wasn't the red wave we hoped for, but we think you can win this Tuesday. Yes, the priority now is to get out the vote, because you got this big runoff coming up. Oh, well, I'm good at those. my ex-wife said all I do is runoff. Uh, no, Hershel, the Georgia Runoff. the polls show it's very close. Oh, how close? Oh, it's so close, Hershel. Hornock is polling at 50.9%, and you are polling at 49.1%. Well, then, the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger. Oh, well, uh, the election is this Tuesday. they've already started counting votes by mail. right, But you got to remember, they still got to count votes by female. Sure. uh, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Hershel. we could really use a win right now. Well, you can count on me.
I came to two ass and kicked bubblegum, and I'm all out of double bum. Well, uh, there's only three days left. we want to be really careful. And, uh, you've had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch? What do you mean? like bad things from your past that maybe people don't know yet.
Oh, yes, definitely. Yes, so many.
Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them? Let me see, where do I start?
Um, okay, so there's this pretty lady that works at the Mcdonald's, right?
So I went down there. anyway, she didn't want to keep it, so I drove her down to the Planned Parenthood. Wow, that's a lot.
I'm going to be honest, Hershel, this might be tough. Oh, don't worry. I'm feeling very confident about this erection. don't you mean election? I do not. So maybe in the final push, let's lay low and focus on the message. exactly, just like Kanye. No, no, no, no. I'm the issues people care about. inflation, crime. vampires, werewolves, that scary little gecko gecko. Yeah, we're going to be looking into all of that. right, So maybe less of that, or even better, none of that. really? Because that's like 90% of my next speech. right. Hershel, can we have a moment of long? Oh, sure. you can toss a blanket right over me and I'll fall asleep like a parakeet. Okay, well, that sounds great. night, night, next time. well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Hershel Walker. Yeah, so Plan B. I don't think we have no choice. excuse me. come on, girl, don't take that hand from no Big Mac. Oh, I'm sorry.
Hershel, can I show you something very exciting? Oh, yeah, sure. why don't you take a look up in there? Oh, wow. Look, there's a little room. that's right. it used to be my panic room. now it's all yours, just till election Day. Wait, why am I already in there? Oh, that's a mere A. Hershel. go on ahead. we got everything you need in there. get in there. Man, look at that. they got lunchables in here and everything. it's only for a few days. and live from New York, it's Saturday.
I'm Howard. sit in the bed. Hershel Walker. hey there, Miss Mcdonald's. I'm sorry I'm late. I was having too much fun in that free merry-go-round y'all got out front. that's a revolving door, Hershel. I have a seat.
Great job on your campaign, Hershel. Yes, excellent. You remember former Majority Whip Senator John Cornyn? no. And of course, Marsha Blackburn, Senator from Tennessee. Oh, your highness.
Well, Hershel, the midterms wasn't the red wave we hoped for, but we think you can win this Tuesday. Yes, the priority now is to get out the vote, because you got this big runoff coming up. Oh, well, I'm good at those. my ex-wife said all I do is runoff. No, Hershel, the Georgia runoff. the polls show it's very close. Oh, how close? Oh, it's so close, Hershel. Hornock is polling at 50.9%, and you are polling at 49.1%. Well, then, the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger. Oh, well, the election is this Tuesday. they've already started counting votes by mail. right, But you got to remember, they still got to count votes by female. Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Hershel. we could really use a win right now.
Well, you can count on me. I came to Two-ass and kicked Bubblegum, and I'm all out of double-bum. Well, there's only three days left. we want to be really careful, and you've had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?
What do you mean? like bad things from your past that maybe people don't know yet. Oh, yes, definitely. Yes, so many. Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them? let me see, where do I start?
Okay, so there's this pretty lady that works at the Mcdonald's, right?
So I went down there. Anyway, she didn't want to keep it, so I drove her down to the Planned Parenthood. Wow, that's a lot. I'm going to be honest, Hershel, this might be tough.
Oh, don't worry. I'm feeling very confident about this erection. don't you mean election? I do not. So maybe in the final push, let's lay low and focus on the message. exactly. just like Kanye. No, no, no, no. I'm the issues people care about. inflation, crime. vampires, werewolves, that scary little gecko gecko. Yeah, we're going to be looking into all of that. right, So maybe less of that, or even better, none of that. really?
Because that's like 90% of my next speech. right. Hershel, could we have a moment of long? Oh, sure. you can toss the blanket right over me and I'll fall asleep like a parakeet. Okay, well, that sounds great. Okay, next up. well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Hershel Walker.
Yeah, so Plan B? I don't think we have no choice. excuse me. come on, girl, don't take that hand from no Big Mac. Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi, Hershel, can I show you something very exciting? Oh, yeah, sure. why don't you take a look up in there? Oh, wow. look, there's a little room. that's right. it used to be my panic room. now it's all yours, just till election Day. Well, wait, why am I already in there? it's a mirror, Hershel. go all ahead. we got everything you need in there. look at that. they got lunchables in here and everything. it's only for a few days. And live from New York, it's Saturday! |
TheOnion | Supreme_Court_Revokes_Annoying_Man_s_Free_Speech_Rights_Season_1_Ep_3_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network an impenetrable barrier against deception Supreme Court handed down in historic decision this morning ruling unanimously that the First Amendment does not apply to Tom Becker of Phoenix Arizona for more now we're joined by Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael Jane obviously an unprecedented decision here Take us through the timeline Well, the class-action lawsuit was brought before a Ninth Circuit judge by a coalition of mr Becker's co-workers neighbors and family members who said his continued right to free speech was causing them emotional distress They presented several videotapes of mr. Becker to the court as evidence.
Well, let's take a look at those now I had to wait at the airport for six hours You understand this is back when I'm running my real estate business. So every minute I'm there I'm losing deals. Oh, yeah I'm a huge motorcycle guy mold sports get in your lungs. You're dead That's why I always say I will never live in a house with carpeting Now mr.
Becker himself testified before the Supreme Court yesterday, right? Yes, and according to sources close to the court That was really what solidified the court's decision. Mr Becker delivered a rambling three-hour testimony in which he digressed into a pointless 45-minute story about moving a washing machine by himself His opinion that organic food is a ripoff and multiple remarks about the Supreme Court's chambers not being as quote Classy-looking as he assumed they'd be he said several times that he had stayed in hotels in Las Vegas that were way nicer Following that the decision to remove. Mr Becker's First Amendment right took only about a minute and a half in his majority opinion chief justice Roberts wrote the only feasible Options facing this court are to revoke. Mr Becker's right to free speech or legalize murder so we can beat him to death with our gavels right now Totally understandable and then they went with that first option they did that's right and mr Becker may now legally speak aloud only after writing down what he wants to say and having it approved by an independent arbiter All right, Jane Carmichael.
Thank you for the update and keep your head up. You're doing a really really great job out there Thank you, Brooke Analysts expect this ruling could be the first step towards a nationwide requirement that Americans undergo a five-day waiting period before entering an opinion of any kind |
dropout | the_worst_gift_on_the_first_christmas | It is he, our savior that was foretold. We are wise men from lands afar. We followed a bright star to the birth of our lord. We come bearing gifts.
Thank you. We've been turned away from the inn. My wife is tired from the journey. But you are welcome here.
A gift of gold for the child. Your generosity is astounding. A gift of frankincense. We do not deserve such luxury. And I made a donation in his name to the LaSalle County Animal Rescue Fund.
What? I told you they wouldn't like it.
It's an organization that goes around and picks up stray cats around the neighborhood. It's a no-kill shelter, so it's fine. Um, so your gift was a donation in our name to a hotel for cats.
It was for $40. That bazaar is a big animal guy. I knew it was for a kid. Kids love animals.
Oh, well, that's a very nice thought. Joseph, stop. We're in a literal barn. You didn't think that maybe a crib or, oh, I don't know, a tent would have been nice? It just seems so thoughtless.
It's like I'm your aunt or something. I love my aunt.
She gave us formula, you know, a gift, not a subtle lecture. Giving to charity feels great. I gave you the gift of happiness. For you, you gave the money to the charity, okay? You gave yourself a gift.
But you get to write it off your taxes, I think. What are you talking about? We get a tax refund every year, idiot.
We're poor. Did you look around? I mean, we have some money. No, my husband doesn't make enough money, okay? We're poor.
God, you're a literal king. You could have given us anything you wanted. Money, for instance, would have been great. Well, maybe I just shouldn't have given you anything at all. Yes, no gift at all would have been better than this.
And plus, you don't even know what charities we like. I hate cats.
They're... What's the word? Shifty. Yes, they're shifty. They're shifty little fucks. What?
I would have preferred it if you had given to a kill shelter. Oh, that's harsh. I gotta say, Missy, I did not expect this reaction.
We have a song. Great. Just what a new mother wants, an acapella group. Tell him, Joseph. Yeah, I mean, if you've practiced. No! Oh, can we just sing the song? Let's just try it. Let's try to have a good time. Yeah, like, let's not make this weird. Yeah. It's the holidays. What? It will be.
We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts of charitable cause I think you're too materialistic I'm going to teach you a valuable lesson Fuck you, man. Fuck you. Fuck off! Don't you tell me to fuck off!
Unto you, a child is born. An angel most high. His father in heaven wishes to bestow upon him The greatest gift of all.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching! |
dropout | High_for_the_Holidays_Full_Episode | Oh wow. What's more summer than daddy? I'm gonna faint. Everybody is looking at me now. He was acting high.
I've never been in a game where the stoner sacrificed one of their own. You're gonna say you can't do this to me, but I can. Oh no. It's up to you guys. No.
Hey, come on in. Come on in. Oh man.
Two secret stoners will attempt to make their way to the top. A poser is on their team to help throw off the scent. They'll know who the stoners are, but the stoners won't know who the poser is. Through a series of challenges, the other players will try to snip the stoners out and eliminate them from the game.
Each turn, the medic can choose one person to save. They can even choose themselves, as long as it's never twice in a row. The narwhal is on their team to help throw off the scent. As long as it's never twice in a row.
The narc can find out if a person is a stoner and use that information to eliminate them. Rounding out the table are three additional citizens. If the stoners can eliminate the other players and be the last one standing, they win.
This is Paranoia. Ho, ho, ho, and happy holidays. Aren't you guys freezing? Ooh, December. Me too, I'm freezing. Welcome to Paranoia, everyone. Today, we will be tackling the holiday season, okay? Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, Christmas, or Toyota-thon, there's a lot to navigate during the holiday season.
Unfortunately, two people at this very table just took a giant, milky bong rip. Look around, because two people at this table are high out of their minds.
That's right, find them. Sniff them out.
Great, we are going to hop right in. Kick it off with some snacks. How's that, you guys hungry?
Don't worry, it's not going to make you look high. I'm going to faint if I keep wearing this. I am going to faint.
It is down, and I invested in that. These aren't holiday snacks. Excuse me. Whoa.
What? Creamed corn? What?
I'm so hot. We are going to fly in your first challenge, which is to decorate a holiday cookie. And also, follow up, guess which holiday they're from. Oh. The knives. It looks like a stamp. Really, go to town.
Oh no. Is it a competition in terms of, like, will the cookies be judged in any way? The cookies will be judged by God the Father.
God the Father. Is he coming here? Daddy the Father. God is here. Daddy's coming home. Daddy's coming. Daddy.
They'll be judged by the police. I've invited the police to this game.
Okay guys, let's find out what you made. I want you to show off your creation. Tell me what you think you're celebrating with that particular cookie. You want to show off? Let's start with you.
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
Well, with this beautifully designed cookie that just fell apart. We got some footage of it. I made it into a horseshoe, and I wrote Lucky, spelled correctly, L-U-K-Y. And I believe that this cookie was for St. Patrick's Day.
All right, Ashley, you're up. That's a **** boo.
To me, initially, it looked like a vagina. So I thought I was celebrating maybe Women's History Month. Upon further reflection of what this challenge was, I'm thinking maybe it was a heart? Wait, so you thought Women's History Month and you wrote **** boo. **** boo. Yeah, because women have a little bit of attitude, at least my friends do. And then there's a little heart that maybe is blood.
Great, great. All right, Raph, tell us about your cookie. I say I thought that it was a horseshoe, so I made a horseshoe to represent the opening day of the Indianapolis Colts. Ah, yes. All right, Trapp, we'll move on to you.
I think mine was supposed to be a candy cane, but all the pinkish frosting was taken. So I just covered it in chocolate and wrote hi, and then a little bit broke off.
All right, what are we working with here? So looking at this sugar cookie, it kind of looked like a cross. Anytime my relatives are strangers coming up to my door talking about religion, I just said, yeah, this is a simple yeah to them. With this cross, I'm thinking it's some type, like maybe Easter of that sort. And that's what I can think. What are we working with, Nico?
Okay, so here's my cookie, and it says daddy. So like, you know, Father's Day, no, it's Daddy's Day. Oh, yes. It started out looking like an S, and I thought maybe like summer, and what's more summer than daddy? So yeah, so this is my cookie over here. It says R.A.P. Erwin. Immediately, the cookie looked like a stingray to me.
Yeah. All right, Teresa. Well, I did the same thing as Nico. And I also had the one that looked like an S. So I don't know. Is there some sort of subconscious S? It's the summer. Summer daddy? Yeah.
I don't know, man. My dad's birthday is tomorrow. Oh, wow. So this is a birthday cookie.
Are you one of the people who calls your dad daddy? I call him ba ba, which is Chinese for daddy. But it is Chinese for daddy because ba would be father. Ba ba is like da da.
Now we are going to move into our first round of gameplay. Everybody close your eyes. Two stoners. Open up your eyes.
I'm Teresa. My name is Rafael Vargas. Chestang. Hey. I got the stoner. No more work for me today.
All right. Who wants to go first? I'll go first. All right. Are you ready? Yeah, if I can remember how to do this. One, two, three. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. All right. Wow. Okay.
One, two. Wait. I'll pull this for you. Wait. I'm nervous. One, two, three. Wait.
More. You have to pull it like you mean it. Yup. See, it just moved. Do you want help?
I'm very small.
Who would you like to eliminate?
Close your eyes. Poser. Open up your eyes. My name is Mike Trapp. At the pose? I'll probably aim to be a little quieter, kind of bleary-eyed. Maybe just like a little slower on the uptake and see what people do with it. These are the two stoners. And close your eyes. Medic, open up your eyes.
My name is Olivia. It would be a bad favor if I get eliminated first because it could save people in the end. Who would you like to save? Great. Close your eyes. Let's talk to the narc. My name... I feel high already. My name is Ashley Holston. Oh.
I'm a narc. Everyone is reading into everyone's action and a lot of the time they're wrong and I don't want to be voted out. It's my biggest thing.
I just want to play till the end. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes.
I'm Nico. My name is Michael. I'm Alfred.
Citizen. Yeah, citizen. I'm a citizen.
I feel like if I sit back and start to kind of see the ecosystem of the table, I'll know exactly when I need to strike and start getting the stoners out. Everybody wake up. It's a holiday season. It's a lot of fun, but it's also equal parts stress, okay?
The nightmare became too real for someone. Ashley, I'm sorry you've been eliminated. I knew it was going to be me. You cannot say a word.
I'm pissed. Pissed. Very upset because I got voted out the first person to get voted out and I had a job to do.
I didn't get to touch that job. Didn't get to do anything. Nothing.
So Ashley couldn't have been a stoner. I've never been in a game where the stoners sacrificed one of their own.
I guess it could happen, honestly, to throw off the trail. The two of them open up their eyes and one goes. I nominate Trapp. Is there a second for that? Yeah, I second that, I think, actually.
I saw some watery eyes, I don't know. Some watery eyes? All right, watery eyes, Trapp.
We covered this in the last game. We're just overworked. There's a reason all the writers have red bloodshot eyes. We played a game with Trapp and Katie and everyone was like, look at your eyes. Both of you have bloodshot eyes.
And we were like, no, we're just in the writers. We're just making so many sketches, man. We're just getting up. We're doing things.
I don't know. It's too early for me to go. I don't know. Bleary eyes doesn't seem like a good thing.
You're all like. You've been so quiet and for a while you were staring in the corner. All right, everyone. I need everyone to close their eyes.
Raise your hand if you think Trapp is stoned. Hands down. Eyes open. Trapp, you're sent out of the game.
What were you? I'm the poser. That was good. I was staring there on purpose. Wow. All right, make your way to the loser cabana. I had them all fooled. Palm of my hand. A masterful performance by me. Master of disguise.
This part is a little bit hard for me to talk about. I don't talk about. I have a kid. I don't talk about it a lot. I have a child. And I don't like hard conversations.
So I think it's time for her to know that Santa doesn't exist. And I know, I know you guys are going to say you can't do this to me. But I can.
Let's bring in my daughter, please. It's up to you guys. Hey, come on in. Some people here have something to tell you. What's your name? This is Pinch.
Rayla. Nope. This is Rayla. Hi, Rayla. Hey, Rayla. Hi, Rayla. Rayla, Santa isn't real.
But the thing you ask for, you still get because it's actually your parents doing it and they'll feel really bad when you feel bad. And Raf wants to add something.
And we all love you, sweetheart. We're all your Santa. Yeah, that's a great way to look at it. Everyone is your Santa.
I don't really want my daughter to grow up sugar-coated, okay? So let's just, let's talk about the lies involved. What does Santa really give you, right?
It's just love from your parents. So now you can just cut the middle man. Go straight to your parents. Schabach is a real parent. Oh, do you have a child? Great job.
Santa, unfortunately, is made-believe. But you still get presents, though.
Yeah. Your mom, Allie, will still get you presents. Yeah. But one day that will stop. Yeah. Yes.
But you'll be ready for it when that happens. It's true. The world doesn't give you more than you can handle. Yeah. It's true. The world doesn't give you more than you can handle, sweetie.
Good job, everybody. Give it up for Rayla, and thank you. You did a great job. You can head over there. Thank you so much, and thank you guys so much. Bye, honey. Okay, guys, you made it through. We're going to go right into another round.
Everyone, please close your eyes. Think about the joy that you just sapped away from that innocent child. I want the two stoners to please open up their eyes.
Tell me who they want to send off. All right. Poser. Gone. Now I want to talk to the narc. Okay. Now let's talk to the medic. Who would you like to save? Okay.
Close your eyes. Everybody wake up. You hate to see it happen.
My daughter was really angry. She came back with her law team, and she's suing one of you for hurting her feelings. And so one of you is wrapped up in litigation. I'm so sorry, Olivia. That's you. You are out of the game, and I need you to lawyer up as soon as possible.
Do not tell us what you were. You cannot say anything.
Make your way to the cabana. I fucked up. Looking back, I'm trying to do some self-improvement and not be nice to everyone, and I fucked it up right there.
I was nice in being like, oh, like, they're so innocent. They're fine. Let me save them.
No, it bit me. It bit me really hard.
All right, deliberation. Who thinks what? You've been pretty quiet. I'm generally a quiet person. I'm also not going to put that against you. Everybody is looking at me now. Rap, what do you think?
Do you think that Alfred's been quiet? I think Alfred has been quiet, but that's because I had him on one of my podcasts, so my only other interaction with Alfred is- Is where it's a one-on-one hour-long conversation.
Right. But you're more talkative in general. You are. You normally talk a lot more than this, and you, especially when you're innocent, you have a lot of theories, and you're throwing around a lot of accusations. You've been sitting there very quietly. You're so rude.
Also, Ali specifically had you say something to their daughter. Why? I don't know what to say. Why would Ali do that? Why would Ali have you do that?
I think it's Mike. I will say that I'm a citizen. I'm going to say that. I'm a citizen.
But that could be a lie. You could lie in this game. I'm telling you, I'm saying what I believe is a lie.
I nominate Shahbaz. Wait a minute. You talked yourself into it. I second it. You have a nomination, and you have a second. You have 30 seconds.
You pointed the finger first. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, and I can see now how it's all kind of coming together. What? It's his finger.
I promised to like reality show. You nominated right away, Trapp, and it wasn't Trapp. He was the poser. He was acting high.
We did, by the way. But you're the first person to point fingers. Or any other citizen's narc or medic that are still with me, that is a win for us. I can't be mad at me, so whoever's mad at me for that. I'm not mad at you for that. It's just the fact that you're pointing fingers first.
All right, everyone, close your eyes. Eyes closed.
Raise your hand if you think Shabok is high. Raise your hand high if you think Shabok is high.
Hands down. Eyes open. Shabok, you were sent out of the game. What were you? Citizen.
Dang! That, unfortunately, means the Stoners have won. Oh! What? The Stoners have won, baby! I knew it!
The Stoners win because the next round, they would have just eliminated someone. So we could play through, but they would have just eliminated one of you two. Everybody asks so high when they're not.
Mistakes were made. Lessons were learned. In retrospect, there were signs.
I just...
It was a huge success getting trapped, and then the rest was a complete, unmitigated disaster. It was a hard one. It was really hard.
I like the part where we talked to Ally's daughter. I felt maybe being high helped me be more level-headed. I was kind of like, oh, well, we're all going to go through this at one point in life. So I feel like maybe I should do that as a business, just tell your kids hard stuff. I feel still high, but I feel good about the win.
Do you feel like you have anyone gunning for you, any enemies? Yeah, Michael Schawbach. I feel like I have one person that was gunning for me, and that was Schawbach.
I have no plans for the rest of the day. I've cleared my schedule. But now it's time for a sober moment. Happy holidays.
I just Googled it. And did you know that it costs anywhere between $2,000 to $20,000 to get a simple marijuana case expunged? Pretty crazy, right?
Plus, if you were convicted and you want to get your record cleaned or expunged, now that weed is legal in some states, you have to request a copy of your criminal record from the Superior Court. Then, if you've completed your probation or were given probation, you can move forward. But if you're still serving probation, you can petition the court to end your probation early, which is a whole other thing. Then simply pay all the other fines, and then you can apply for record expungement.
Wow, that's a lot of steps. I mean, it sounds impossible. In some states, it is. Record expungement is so complicated that even in California, only 3% of people eligible file a petition. Three percent? That is devastating. I mean, there's got to be an easier way. Can't tech help us?
Hell yeah. Organizations like Code Now have come up with automatized programs that can review and expunge applications in a matter of minutes. Check out their website to learn how you can help. Hey, did you like that episode of Paranoia? Well, I've got great news. There's plenty more on Dropout. Go to Dropout.tv and sign up for your free trial today.
You don't even have to take a drug test. Just kidding. I'm going to give you a drug test. I'm on my way to your house right now to give you a drug test. You better not fail, or I'll arrest you. |
SaturdayNightLive | seat_fillers_snl | Oh, no way. Will Smith? excuse me, Mr. Smith. I know I'm not supposed to talk to you.
I'm just a C-pillar, but I wanted to say I am a huge fan, man. thank you, man. that means a lot. ha-ha! I love all of your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son. I love that. that's what it's all about. ha-ha! no joke. Jiggy Witte is still my ringtone to this day. ha-ha! that's hilarious! hey, I don't want to sound horny, but you're like my hero, man. this is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I'm talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. hey, can i get a selfie real quick? of course. yeah. Jada, I love you. G.i.j. and 2 can't wait to see you. ha-ha-ha! hey, I'll be right back, man. hey, so where you from, man? uh. uh, no, nowhere, man. I like your tugs, but I don't wait. look good, feel good, am I right? ha-ha! keep my wife's name out your.
I love that little bit, man. hey, one second, y'all. keep my wife's name! So how about that selfie, man? come on. no, that's okay, that's okay. Aw, come on, man, let's do it. Nah, I deleted my phone. All right, let's enjoy the show, man. the bathroom line is crazy. what'd I miss? Oh, my God, we're right next to Will Smith? I got to tweet this. well, and he's trending. Oh, my god. hey, nice to meet you, man. I'm Will. what's your name?
I don't. they didn't give me one.
Oh, Amy Sue was being hilarious, right? Hey, who's your favorite comedian? Crick. no one. What? I don't think anything's funny. What about you? favorite comedian, man?
Dory. Dory? Finding Dory? What about you? Comedian is finding Dory? Well, she is a funny fish, man.
Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.
Okay. I'm gonna say that in my speech, man. Okay. okay, what else should I say? love makes you do crazy things. What was that? love makes you do crazy things. That's good. I'm gonna use that, man.
I'm gonna credit you. please don't. Man, the last couple of years have been crazy, you know, zoom meetings, the red table talk. y'all ever seen red table talk? nah, nah. I've never seen anything actually. nah, nah, nah. Hey, don't answer that, man. let it ring. everything is normal, y'all.
I love all of your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son. I love that. that's what it's all about. no joke. getting jiggy with it is still my ringtone to this day. that's hilarious. I don't want to sound corny, but you're like my hero, man. this is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I'm talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. hey, can I get a selfie real quick? of course, yeah. Jada, I love you. G.i.j. too. can't wait to see it. Hey, I'll be right back, man. hey, so where you from, man? uh. nope, nowhere, man. I like your tux, but I don't wait. look good, feel good, Am I right? keep my wife's name! out your f***ing Oscars, man. I love movies, man. I just saw Paddington, too. you know, honestly, best movie I ever seen. I love that little bit, man. hey, one second, y'all. keep my wife's name!
So how about that selfie, man? come on. no, that's okay. that's okay. Aw, come on, man. let's do it. Nah, I deleted my phone. All right. let's enjoy the show, man. the bathroom line is crazy. What'd I miss?
Oh, my God, we're right next to Will Smith? I'm gonna tweet this. well, and he's trending. Oh, my god. hey, nice to meet you, man. I'm Will. what's your name?
I don't. they didn't give me one. Oh, that's weird.
Amy Sue was being hilarious, right? Hey, who's your favorite comedian? Crip. no one. What? I don't think anything's funny. What about you, favorite comedian, man?
Dory. Dory? Finding Dory? your favorite comedian is finding Dory? Well, she is a funny fish, man.
Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.
Okay. I'm gonna say that in my speech, man. Okay. Okay, what else should I say, Lucy?
Love makes you do crazy things. What was that? love makes you do crazy things. that's good.
I'm gonna use that, man. I'm gonna credit you. please don't.
Man, the last couple of years have been crazy, you know, with Covid, zoom meetings, with the red table talk. y'all never seen red table talk? nah. I've never seen anything, actually. no, no, no. hey, don't answer that, man. let it ring. everything is normal, y'all. |
TheOnion | By_The_Time_Bryce_Harper_s_13_Year_Contract_Expires_Hank_Will_Be_A_Lonely_Old_Useless_Relic | Good morning, Sweat City.
Let's talk Bryce Harper. The superstar's huge $330 million deal with the Phillies is a real game changer for the league. And I'm not just talking about the money, the talent, or the team.
I'm talking about the length. 13 years. I mean, come on, in 13 years, my kids will be out of college. Can you believe that? I don't see them all that much now. That probably won't change. By the time Bryce is done in Philly, I'll have been living alone for 25 years. Another 13 years down the drain. Geez, Harper will be 39 at the end of this contract.
I'll be 62 if I'm even alive then. You know, my dad had a heart attack at 57. Maybe they'll find my body here in the studio slumped over the desk if this show is still around.
Who knows? In 13 years, will people even still listen to the radio anymore? Will they care about me? I doubt it.
My prediction, 13 years from now, Bryce has taken the fills to at least five World Series, and I'll have lost my job and struggle to find a new career in a changing media landscape. I'll be a weak, pathetic, unloved man who's lost it all. And sure, I might try to patch things up with my kids, their mother, but at that point, it'll be too little too late. By the time this contract expires, I'm gonna be a lonely old useless relic who's just another decade closer to dying alone. Bottom line, Phillies fans have a lot to look forward to here. Me, not so much. I'm already past my prime. Things are only gonna keep going downhill.
There's no doubt this contract is historic. It guarantees the Phillies will be contenders for years and makes me aware I need to make some much needed changes.
Look at him, happy. How? He must have people in his life who love him. Maybe he realizes life is short.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to anyone I've I've ever wronged over the years. If I've said bad things about you, Jerry Rice, Iowa State men's basketball team, the Tampa Bay Lightning, a rod. I'm sorry. Really? To all of you, my producers, Dan Jeremy Kate. If I've ever been a jerk to you guys, I'm sorry.
I love you guys. I do. And Jason Audrey Val, if you're listening. Valerie, I I love you. I have to call them. We'll be right back. I love you. |
SaturdayNightLive | menage_a_trois_snl | It's gone, and have a seat, and grab it in that cup. Thanks, girl. great. it's a mess to drink. hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do you think of that journey for Beals now? is she a great actress or what? come on. I think we're talking about a high school. we're going to have to make a whole new category.
Stop it.
I love both of you, all right? This night has been beautiful. I swear to you. Hey, come on. how about that restaurant? was that great? that was marvelous. I love the restaurant. you know, I didn't know you could get Scottish pieces. Yeah, I didn't know that. sure. it was good, wasn't it? I love it. Oops, didn't give you enough. hey, listen, let me tell you something. yeah. I'm about in my heart, all right? you didn't have to pick up the check. hey, come on. can we buy a pal some dinner? Oh, that's beautiful. how about it? Well, I have to tell the both of you something. Oh, that this was the most beautiful evening of my life, and I hope it never ends.
Thank you, Carl. and you know something? doesn't have to end here. Hey, man, you want to watch Friday night videos? No, Carl. I'm telling you, it doesn't have to end here. What does this have to end here?
What are you talking about? What is this? What's the matter, Carl? you like us, don't you? Sure, I like you. I mean, no. I mean, listen. what are you two talking about?
Come on, Carl. don't be a tease. you said you loved us. actually, what I remember when I said that I loved you was that. look, look. you know, there are a lot of guys out there that I think were very attractive. cute. yeah, have another drink, you know. no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to have another drink, you know. Listen, what you're trying to do is you're trying to get me drunk, all right? And I don't like myself when I'm drunk, and I refuse to get drunk tonight. I have it enough to drink.
Hey, look, if you didn't like us, why did you go out with us in the first place? Listen, now, what. I do like you. but you don't see. what you don't see is. I thought it was going to be friends and dinners, just having friends. I didn't realize. friends! friends? that's what we are to you, we're just friends. we call you up, we ask you out, you say great. we go out, we have a great time, and you call us friends. I mean, it's like acquaintances or something. Oh, Carl. why did you let us pick up the check then, huh? come on. baby, this is bigger than the three of us. Hey, listen, now, okay. it's not that I don't like you two, it's just a look.
What? let me tell you something. Okay, listen, Beautiful, listen. let me run down to you. Why? I'm very confused right now, All right? Yes. And you two are my friends, and you're beautiful. Thank you. But you're asking me to do something here As a man in my heart.
Yes. no, no, no, no. Hi, Honey, we're home. Who are these two? this is Not how it looks. Carl, Carl, how could you? doesn't our menage a trois mean anything to you? Well, working late. working our fingers to the bone. we come home to find you with another couple. this is not another couple. this is a couple of friends. Yeah, you look pretty friendly just now. You know, you work years at establishing a good menage, and then it's just destroyed in one night. Oh, come on, don't get upset, Honeys. I hope you two are happy. Hey, hey, Miles, Records. hey, hey, come on. we didn't know we was involved, honestly. no, no, no, listen, we don't want to bust up anybody's feet. forget it, forget it. we're not staying another night in this house with you, you tramp. Listen, hold up. before we get out, listen, listen, listen. we got some wine here. we got nice lightning. why don't we just. the five of us have a little party together.
Oh, you are sick. you're sick. you're a sick man. come on, there are some couples in this world that still believe that menage a trois sacred. sick. sick, man. Thank you, that was menage a trois. The menage a trois players, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim Belushi. |
dropout | cheating_with_somebody_else_s_sex_robot | Yeah, so this bad boy is just crawling. I hit one button and I get the stupid spinning wheel thing. Yeah, the old beach ball of death. Well, I'll probably just start by defragging the hard drive and then maybe I'll run some diagnostics, if that's OK with you.
And I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't see you there. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Dave. I'm from Dork to Dore. Sorry.
That's my sex robot. No way. Yeah, it's got time to date, right? Anyway, I got to run. I'll be back in an hour. Good luck with the laptop. I believe in you. Good luck. See ya. Oh, yeah. I'll just get started. Then sex robots. OK, I got it now.
Looking at a real person. Oh my god. Feels just like real skin. What are the rules about being with the robot?
Nope, I am getting turned on. Turned on. Oh my god, turn off. Turn off. Turn off? Well, I don't have any turn offs either, ma'am, but I need to get back to work.
Artella. Look, I'm sorry, Artella.
My boyfriend, Trent. Of course, I think you're beautiful. I do want to know what life could be like with you. Good. Artella, our love is not for business here. This is everything that I could have dreamed of. Two of us would be here forever. Yes. You make me feel so good, it's sex. You make me feel so good. It's sex. Yes.
It's so fun showering with you.
We forgot towel.
I believe in you, I believe in you. Oh, honey, I have to go. Look, don't make this harder on me by being so cute. Argh. You know what? I don't even blame you. So you banged my sex robot. Who cares?
She's magnetic. The important thing is you fixed my computer. Purr's like a kitten now. So thank you for that. I didn't fix your computer. I mean, I love her. We love each other. Thank you very much.
Are you kidding me?
This was just working. Every time. |
cracked | 3_human_sacrifices_made_to_bring_you_lord_of_the_rings_canonball | The Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit trilogies combined have raked in 17 Oscars out of 37 nominations, set the record for the longest battles he'd ever made with the Battle of Helm's Deep, and created the largest prop in movie history with their big dead elephant. But you can't make a stew without cracking a few potatoes. Peter Jackson gave you 20 hours and 58 minutes of larping, and a lot of people made a lot of sacrifices along the way. So today, we're taking a look at some of the weirder ones that have nothing to do with Viggo Mortensen's foot.
But the one thing he was legitimately desperately afraid of was flying. The guys who played Marion Pippen saw his mortal fear as, fittingly, the perfect opportunity for an impish little prank. The whole cast and crew had to be ferried up to their mountaintop workplace every day, and they convinced their pilot that Sean Bean was a huge fan of stunt flying. Death-defying aerial displays of skill and grace? Loves that shit. Can't get enough. The pilot treated the A-lister to some badass helicoptering, much to Bean's pants-sh**ing consternation. When he landed, he tracked down Peter Jackson and erupted, saying, Sorry, mate.
No more helicopters. I'm done.
God, I've never seen him so mad.
From then on, Bean would simply climb a mountain to work, adding four total hours to his daily commute. They would begin with everybody flying into the helicopters, and we'd look down, and there'd be this tiny black speck climbing the cliff that was Sean Bean dressed up as Borromeer. He'd put on his Borromeer costume, scrabble up a mountainside for half an hour, transfer to a ski lift, then polish it off with one last half-mile hike. They used to see me from the helicopter, and I was sweating at the end. It was like a real adventure getting over that mountain to get to the set.
He's since gotten over his fear of flying with the help of Osama bin Laden. I should explain. He said his heightened fear of terrorism post-9-11 has eclipsed his fear of engine failure, which has somehow made it easier to fly.
Go figure. So that one was all in his head, but Sean Bean is arguably more iconic without that thing, right? Could Gimli wield his battle axe without his finger? Number two. Several fingers were sacrificed. Imagine you're Peter Jackson. Gimli walks up to you, fumbling with a bloody, nearly detached finger, which he then tears completely off in a bloody spasm right in front of your face. You just got got by Gimli. Actor John Rhys-Davies lost part of his middle finger as a teen. The longer the short of it was, the shorter of it, if you'll pardon the expression. He teamed up with a practical effects artist to make a hyper-realistic gelatin prosthetic, injected some blood into it, and ran up to Jackson in a tizzy. The artist actually does a killer Rhys-Davies impression.
It was a boss. Boss, I've had an accident. Look what happened. Okay, so that one's a cute little prank. Stop it. I'm sorry. I'm pretty childish.
But there were a couple of very real, very weird dudes who ruined their actual fingers, assembling an ungodly amount of chainmail armor. Seven miles of PVC piping were used to make over 80 million individual ringlets, and that all fell to, apparently, just these two dudes to put them together.
For me, it's been about five months, non-stop. These guys stayed down in what they called the hole for literal years. This has been our home for what, last year? Two years. And very clearly lost their minds, along with their fingertips.
Oh, and the hostage? Yes, we can't forget the hostage. He still hasn't coughed up his secrets.
Then, at the height of their madness, their workload doubled. There's twice as much chainmail as Evan was originally asked for. And you can imagine how we felt when, all of a sudden, all these stunties are wearing chainmail at Elm's Deep. So, sure, these boys laid their sanity on the line.
But we can't forget the price paid by the throat goat himself, Gollum. Number one, Andy Serkis sacrificed his throat. Andy Serkis was originally hired to provide Gollum's voice, but he was such a creepy little creep, Peter Jackson decided he needed to mocap his gremlin ass.
You don't have any friends. So, how did he come up with that all-time classic villain voice in the first place? ELLUM! WELLUM! Or, put another way, Andy Serkis, what'd that mouth do? So, he dizzed. My cat came in and literally coughed up a furball in front of me.
I watched his back rippling, and I just thought, that's brilliant. I really like that. I love this. Beautiful.
If you've ever seen a cat herking up a hairball, you know it's not a graceful or a natural process. And Serkis says the Gollum voice has, quote, thrashed his vocal cords. To combat that larynx laceration, he came up with a cocktail that he calls Gollum Juice that he needed on hand at all times. It's a lemon, honey and ginger blend, served by the bowl to be desperately chugged when your million dollar throat is on fire. So, if you've ever had the urge to gargle some of Andy Serkis' Gollum Juice, now you know how.
What's this? Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and if you know of any other iconic actors who have their own signature secretions to slurp, let me know in the comments. |
CrackerMilk | law_and_order_erotic_fan_fiction | Hey everyone, welcome to the Cracker Mill podcast. Now on this one, I've been watching excessive episodes of Law and Order SVU, okay? I love it.
Mariska Hargitay Queen. So today we're going to be doing a dramatic reenactment. I'll be playing Mariska Hargitay and you'll be playing the other cunt.
And we found a body.
Now, I want to do this because I just think the show shines a really important light. What will I be playing? Just for the start, I'll just have you sit just sit on the side.
Yeah. You can be iced tea later. Yeah, all right. But I just want to like take this seriously and like do something that's like sort of respectful towards all these victims of like sex crimes because it's just tragic. So we're gonna be the more serious tones. Yeah.
Yeah, I just like if we could just stop with the silly voices and shit and so we'll enter the scene and like take, you know, like this is a dead body like imagine what you'd feel if this was a dead body. So Oh my god. Look at that body. It's fucking dead. Don't bite your lip. Sorry. Oh my god, look at this body. There's blood everywhere. This is a massive. This is this is terrifying. Jesus. What the hell happened here?
Hello guys, hey. What's this? This? What are these? What's that? What are you doing? Where are we?
Crime scene investigations fucking dead body. Yeah in order.
We just explained this. We're in Elias's room. We're on a table. There's a camera.
Can you shut up? We're going again. You ready? We're going shut up. We're going again.
Is this the subway? You're in a crime scene? I don't know how you got here. Is this the sandwich shop subway? Sir, this is a crime scene.
I am Mariska Hargitay. This is the other cunt. I am Jeremiah Ronson and I'm a subway. Who the fuck is Jeremiah Ronson?
I would like a footlong. You're meant to play ice cream. Look, this is not a subway. I'll place your order here. My granddaughter wanted me to get a subway. Fuck it.
The dead body's in a sub. The dead body's in a subway store.
Are you ready? Oh my god, look at the body.
My granddaughter, she wanted a footlong. Fucking shut up. A footlong sub. Cunt, I am trying to do a scene. She wanted olives on it.
Okay, can you do this bit after I intro the dead body? Sure. Thank you. I'll wait. Time of death.
You know what my granddaughter does for work? What does she do? She tells me she's a camgirl on Twitch TV. Is this your daughter that's on the floor?
We're in a subway. Yeah, and there's a dead body on the floor. We've made it very clear this is- I'm flying a subway. No, the scene we're doing for the podcast is that there's a dead body dead- What is a podcast? I'm an old man here.
You know what fucking camgirls are on Twitch. You don't know what a podcast is. I don't know what a camgirl is.
Your granddaughter is performing sex acts online to thousands of people, okay? Is that why she wanted the footlong?
I should be at a sex shop, shouldn't I? Yeah. We're not at a sex shop. I shouldn't be at a subway. You should be at a sex shop. Okay, I'm at a sex shop now.
Severe trauma. Let me tell you.
Porn industry, not like it used to be. Do you think she worked here? Judging by the uniform- Camgirls. Of the sex shop. Yeah, I think she may have been an employee of this sex shop. Camgirls, eh?
Oh my god, look at that bloody dildo. Jesus. Wow, that is- Excuse me, boy. I'm trying to have a conversation with you, fellas. About the porn industry today.
I'm an old man. My name's Jeremiah Ronson.
What do you want? What do you want from the store right now?
We're not in a store. We're in your room, Elias. There's a microphone here. There's a camera there. It's very clear. It's very, very clear that whenever we say somewhere, you deny it. Where are we? We're in the woods. Bum bum. This is going well.
Do you know how many fucking episodes of SVU I watched before this? Do you know how- Do you know what I used to do for work? Honestly, if you say anything, anything that isn't related to this fucking Law and Order SVU podcast that we're trying to do, I am not participating for the rest of the episode.
I used to be a pornographic actor in the 70s. In the golden age of porn.
Bum bum. I was actually Harish Nahargatug the whole time.
Hello? Are you wondering if anything's happened where people have sent out Marushka Hargitay? No. No one here has said that they're Marushka Hargitay.
I'm just worried that the podcast gets too complex. And I don't think it's good that we have phone calls all the time. I think that's pretty unprofessional. People just keep calling in. But yeah, so- You're gonna have to hang up. I'm gonna have to hang up.
I'm sorry. And this concludes this episode of our Law and Order SVU podcast. Thank you.
Are we in a subway right now? Now let me tell you something. You might be thinking what the what what what?
And that's good because you watch Law and Order and you don't know who it is. You don't know who does the killing. You don't know what's going on. You don't know who the other cunt is.
So we thought we'll add some twists and turns. My daughter's a cam girl.
I'm Marushka Hargitay. He's Marushka Hargitay. Do people know who's Marushka Hargitay?
Who the fuck is that? The actress from Law and Order. Do people watch that still? Dude, Law and Order SVU has been going for like 23 years. It is fucking ridiculous. Who the fuck is Marushka Hargitay? You know why you don't know about her? Because all she's ever done is fucking Law and Order because that's the only job she's ever needed for 20 years.
Was it that lady with the like the Karen hair? Yeah. She's always had Karen hair her whole career. God bless you.
Marushka Hargitay. And a Marushka Hargitay to you.
Hey, shout out to all of our patrons who are subway workers. Yeah. Creative influence. You're all subway workers. Hey, thanks though. Yeah, thanks for that one.
The patrons are going to get a lot of this episode. Oh bro, the fucking patrons. They're going to be able to understand a lot more of what's going on.
Or maybe not. I think it's actually going to be the opposite. Yeah, probably. I think the opposite is going to happen. Anyway, thank you. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_bloard_games | Board games. We all love them, but who's got the time? Plus all the pieces! Wouldn't it be easier to buy a console for $700, a multi-tap with four controllers, and a video game copy of your favorite board games?
Today we're going to find out. I'm Jeff Rubin. Joining me is Casey Wilson from Saturday Night Live and from College Humor, Pat Castles and Sarah Schneider.
This is Scrabble for the Xbox 360 and we'll do this couch versus that couch. One way this is better than regular Scrabble already is that it comes with Mr. Potato pet on a jetpack. Just one way. I guess we can see each other's letters. I'm not at the level of Scrabble where like seeing the other players' letters is going to help my turn.
You think I am? You guys are dead. I'm terrified. I don't know that diagonal is going to work. This isn't a word search, Pat. The problem with this is- Mom, Pat, Pat! Are you joking? See? The problem is- I thought you guys were going to be busting out big words. Great.
The problem with digital Scrabble is I can't throw the board up in anger like in real Scrabble. I have to throw the entire console up, which I'll do. We're at an important crossroads in this game because we're about to find out if spelling shit is going to count as a word. So that's, to me, one of the most important features of virtual Scrabble. Does it count curse words? Do you get double points for using them?
Try shite. Well, I was thinking maybe shat, but why push our luck? Shitty.
Oh. You lost your turn. I feel like they're saying the word is invalid, but they're angry at us. Yeah, it's like sarcastic. It's really like- That word's invalid. You're going to put shit, you've now lost your turn.
This is programmed by our parents. It said, well, select humor on your computer, I'd love to imagine like an android playing and just like freaking out like, which one do I pick? I'll roll. I guess so. I'd be making an accusation, but that's just the kind of person I am. Well, it's been a while since I played Clue, I believe you roll and then I move into the lounge or whatever.
This is horrible. I'm sorry.
Whoa! What? I had your crazy hands just come out of the screen. I think press a button.
What does Mr. Plum have his PhD in? He's not Dr. Plum. He's a professor. Professor Plum. But professors have PhD. You need a PhD and a professor.
There you go. Oh, no. No, hold on. This is important, okay? This is tricky. I didn't spend $600,000 for nothing.
Oh, Pat is. Oh, Pat.
I'm busy on some sort of educational diatribe. As always. Alrighty, the graphics are world's above Clue. World's above but making me sick. I know. Oh, my God. One thing I like about this Monopoly game is that they give you the options to make house rules, you know, like if you land on Go, you get money. Dad drinks too much, the game ends early. This font is too fun. It's making me sick. It's really like... I do feel a little drunk.
What piece will you choose? You take the dog, I swear to God. Don't.
This dog right here? This little guy?
Well, luckily, I love the race car. Let's talk about this for a second. They did something that I think is really interesting in video game Monopoly, where everyone goes at the same time. So all you have to do is pay attention to your box. I feel like to just pay attention to your box is a way of kind of being alone but with people.
Oh, because you rolled doubles. You got to go again. Just sit here and wait while you roll again.
Well, I'm sorry. Are you okay? New York Avenue. I didn't see you at this. It's very difficult to play. No, we're still waiting for Pat to buy something. Pat for the web. Well, I need to know if New York Avenue is a responsible purchase. I'm not sure.
Grandma, just buy it. Grandma. Yeah.
Where's the option for player gets bored of Monopoly, gives up and gives all his properties to someone so they can... And then in the corner, player gives up and wants to play video games. Call of Duty appears as a picture in the bottom.
I feel like I won. I just want to say that. Okay, yeah. No, definitely. That's what I feel.
Might not be the case. Get it on tape. Casey won, everyone. So what have we learned today? Are these a viable alternative to board games? No. |
cracked | adventures_in_jedi_school_outtakes_star_wars_spoof | This is it. This is the real story.
It's covered in snow. Everyone's mad.
I make my own coffee. Like a caveman. I'm getting makeup on my face. He loves getting makeup. This is my favorite part of the day.
I wish it were earlier, but this will do. This will do something.
Soren will be miserable again, like he is every day, because he's got so many things going on in contacts put in, that he has never put in contacts before. This. Did you write it that way, just to make Soren miserable? I didn't write it to make Soren miserable, but I did write it, and it still happens that he's going to be miserable.
Just trying some shit out. We're throwing everything at the wall, seeing what sticks, and then we'll just shoot around whatever that is. For what, uh, in, Brad?
Listen, lady. I'm Cessa. I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm a bee. May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduates so your midichlorians can speak to the force. Sorry, there's a bee, like, right next to my fucking face.
They destroyed and won their first victory against the evil galactic empire. So then there are more spaceships. Katie tried. A lot of things to do. You see a lot of Jedi facing.
Oh, that's embarrassing. My lipstick is showing. Excuse me, don't you?
Here's the thing, at this point, we're... What are you doing, buddy? This is one of us, our Jedi. Just remember what Master Evil said. Your light saber's speaking up.
Pardon me. Bantha crap! I was helping me. Ooh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. I like that you touched my first, like, is your boob okay?
Well, you've got to prioritize. Are you putting a dance together here? What's going on? We're putting a dance together.
Yeah, we're choreographing a lightsaber. Battle, final battle. We have two options for lightsabers.
One, these plastic ones that are sort of flimsy. And we use those in the wide shots. And I don't like it because they're hollow, so you can't hit too hard with them. And the closest, we have these ones that are, like, glass. So you also can't hit too hard with those, so...
The challenge is more so on the actors, who have to pretend they're using all their might. I mean, there's a lot of challenges for the actors with lightsabers.
Hello. Yeah. Hello.
Cut. Oh, brother, let's move this one. Cut.
This scene is the showdown, so the challenges are making it funny, but also kind of being cool. I don't think we're cool, but we're trying. The challenge of the scene is that we're working entirely without a director.
He passed away moments ago. No! So the challenge of the scene... It's too dark. I can't shoot. Die, bitch!
May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduit so that metachlorians can talk to the force be with you. May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down... May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chrono... May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduit so that metachlorians can talk to the force be with you. Alright, let's do one more. May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduit so that metachlorians can talk to the force be with you.
God damn it. Yeah, that's bad.
Action. You said there's a cauterized wound, and you won't get my gun. Action. Do you strike me down? Sabral cauterized the wound, and you won't get my blood. How's that for paying attention in class, jink? Your blood? No!
Double Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance.
Whiz Force Class. Use the Force! By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way. We look, we are, protect, Jedi.
Good. Yes. That... was nothing. Jedi Code? No! Not the...
Cut. Really, let's move this along. Cut.
This scene is the showdown. So the challenges are making it funny, but also kind of being cool. I don't think we're cool, but we're trying. The challenge of the scene is that we're working entirely without a director.
He passed away moments ago.
No! So the challenge of the scene... It's too dark, can't you? Die, bitch!
May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduit so that midichlorians can talk to the Force be with you. May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down... May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down carbo... chrono... May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduit so that midichlorians can talk to the Force be with you. Alright, let's do one more. May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduit so that midichlorians can talk to the Force be with you.
Damn it. And action. No. You say there's a cauterized wound and you won't get my blood. Action. If you strike me down, this April cauterized the wound and you won't get my blood. How's Dapper paying attention in class, jink? Your blood? No. Action.
Welcome to Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance.
Which is force class? Use the force. By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way. We look, we are, protect, Jedi.
Good. Yes. That was nothing. Jedi code? No! Not the... |
dropout | intense_sex_with_extreme_condoms_condomned_part_4 | I don't think we should be doing this, Rusty. What if we get caught? Keep your wrapper on.
Robbie hasn't slept here all week. I just want to find out what he's been up to. What are all these? Oh, it's worse than I thought. Robbie's in an exciting new relationship. What? That's not so bad. Good for Robbie. Don't you see what's happening?
Everything they do together is extreme and intense. I mean everything.
Oh, all right. I got you now. They're having sex with that shark. Okay. Yeah, exactly.
Wait, what? No, idiot.
When they have sex, without the shark, the sex is extremely intense. So if the sex is intense, they'll need a condom to match that intensity. That's right. We need to become the extreme condoms.
Woo hoo! Robbie's going to love this. I dare him to find condoms more intense than us. Here he comes. I hope he's ready for some extreme action. Let's put these in here. Come on, Robbie.
The hang glider's ready to go. Sweet. Just let me get the fireworks and scuba gear.
We can't compete with these. It's not over yet. If you can't beat them, join them. It's not working.
I don't feel extreme at all. Damn it. Me either. I'll get the flamethrower. |
dropout | 10_thanksgiving_facts_that_can_t_be_true | Americans love Thanksgiving but here are 10 facts about turkey day that are so outrageous they just can't be true. The word Thanksgiving is spelled the same backwards and forwards. Americans adore stuffing. On Thanksgiving we assume enough to fill up the sun. You thought you were hungry, idiot.
He knows our secrets. Let's take him out.
You know that gobbling noise turkeys make? Turns out it's actually a sophisticated language with over a hundred and thirty thousand distinct words. And turkeys haven't recorded having conversations as long as three hours.
You thought you were hungry. When smoked, the pulp from a decorative gourd produces a high 10 times more powerful than methamphetamine. Hence the phrase, out of your gourd. Mike, you're out of your gourd.
Americans watch so much football on Thanksgiving. Hut, hut, hut. It would reach to the moon and back six times. Six times. The bald eagle may be our national bird but Benjamin Franklin wanted the noble turkey to be an honorary member of Congress and nominated one. It lost by a narrow margin.
In Sweden, Thanksgiving has its own Santa Claus. His name is Father Harvest. And he's a flying pilgrim who feasts on naughty children.
Only one out of ten Thanksgivings could point out America on a map. And you thought you... The first Thanksgiving would be unrecognizable to a modern American. There was no turkey, no pumpkin pie, no food, no tables or chairs, no pilgrims or indians, and nobody showed up. It wasn't a gathering or event of any kind. The first Thanksgiving was actually just a husky woman trying on a pair of jeans.
Hey it's me, Pat from College Humor. Click here to subscribe and here to watch another video. And remember, our YouTube channel technically contains no animal parts, so it's vegan. Think about it. Not too hard though. |
cracked | can_children_be_evil_quorators_podcast | Welcome back to the Corazon, it's your host Alex and Jeremy, also it's not called the Corazon, it's Corazon. What's up Jeremy? I'm good, how are you Alex? Good, now we've gotten that out of the way.
Hi, hello. Hi. So what is this?
We're going to read Cora. Are you Cora?
Okay. Have you ever been on Cora? So you said Cora, I'm thinking Avatar the Last Airbender, I'm a legend of. I hope you didn't rewatch too many episodes of watching this podcast. I'm like Alex is a anime guy. Yeah. I watched it and I'm like, okay, is she bi-coded? Could we see it in the early seasons and then you see it's about questions and I'm like, I feel like I have, like, you know what, famously part of my brand is that I'm an Android girl, like hardcore. Sure. Hardcore.
As opposed to iPhone.
Not just like robot people. No, no. Yes, yes. I'm a droid, I'm a robot, blah, blah, blah.
I mean, whatever. Okay, whatever. Whatever makes you happy. Yeah.
I like Android. I have an Android phone.
Yeah. You know, it's very contentious. Whatever.
But there's a lot of Android answers on, sometimes I'm like, why is my phone not turning on?
And then I'll Google it and it'll be, and sometimes it'll be Cora. So that's like the legend of Cora. Yeah. And the legend of Cora. Apple will lock out the answers from Reddit, so you have to go on Cora to get these third party program answers. Well, I think that will come up today. So is Cora bisexual coded? Write in. Cora on the website. The website.
Yeah. Well, the first thing I see here is- Yeah. Why is everyone turning gay nowadays? And then someone says, it's vaccines. And that's the top question on Cora.com. Nothing type. Yeah. We didn't Cora-rate that one. No. That one's just there. So, is it bisexual coded? Answer is yes.
A little bit. A little bit, yeah.
Because we're all on the VAX. The gay vaccine. Who knows? I guess it's the straight vaccine, really. Because it prevents you from being straight. I couldn't say one way or the next, Jeremy. Well, right, okay. So you get a gay vaccine, so it prevents you from being straight. But then, in line with most vaccines, then you have to get injected with a little bit of straight.
Right. That's true. So your body- So your body fights it off. Yeah. It's just a little bit of straightness. I was getting Carmen Electra film shoots from 2006, injected directly in here. I was going to say, me too. They're both part of the same shot. You know what?
I did like a thing with Carmen Electra. I interviewed her for this dating show thing that I used to write for. Friend of the show. Friend of the show, Carmen Electra. She's really cool.
I didn't understand. I didn't contextualize her properly, but she's an alt girl who likes alt men. I didn't hit until I talked on the phone with her. Writing this down.
She's like, oh yeah. We're like, what's your favorite type of guy or what's your type? And she's like, oh, I guess just like Dennis Rodman, but not athletes. He's my type, but everything else about him. And I'm like, okay. It's got to be seven feet tall. Yeah. We're just like a really alt, a little zesty, a little- Sure, yeah.
Dennis Rodman. A little- Prince.
That's how she got her name. She's a white girl named from Ohio, but she fucked Prince. That's a pretty good name.
I do get her confused with Electra from Daredevil. And these are different women? You're really scrambling your hand type. These are different women?
It's just like- We're really off to a chaotic start today, but- Carmen Electra was in a good burger and she was really good in it. Really? That's good to know. Physical, comedy, slapstick. She's really committing to the bit. The arc of the burgers cemented into her role. Yeah. Well, who does she play in it?
She, so basically- She's a burger. Mondo Burger has a spy. She's a burger fucker.
No, do not. Do not. No.
I'm not even engaging. She's not. She plays like she's supposed to seduce Kill and he's- Can't be done.
And he puts her through the ringer. And the hijinks ensue. Okay.
I can't wait to see this film. Good Burger? Can't wait to check it out. Good Burger.
The movie that came out in 1995- Well, they're making a sequel. It's coming out. Yeah. There was a trailer for it a few days ago. America demands.
That can't be good, right? I don't know. It's been 30 years. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know.
If they have the same writers, it was really funny. It aged really well. Go watch Good Burger. The problem with any reboot movie from like 30 years ago is that they can't recapture the feeling of just being a child and having not seen any other movies. You're like, maybe it's the same one. I mean, I watched it a year ago and I had it every time.
So that's what I'm saying. All right. That's why I remember it. I'm like, oh, this is actually really funny.
And also, Carmine Lecture is really good in this and whatever, but also- Good Burger's not like that, Jeremy. Good Burger's what? Good Burger's not like that, Jeremy. I haven't seen Good Burger.
I know. It shows. Guys. But y'all are on Quora. Okay. We're on Quora.
I haven't seen Good Burger. Y'all don't like Carmine Lecture. You jack off to the lecture fair level, but you're on Quora. I feel like you brought it jacket off. No. I mean, we were in the territory. We don't talk about stuff like that here. This is a very normal burger.
What was the question we asked last time? So we bookend the show with a question we asked on the previous show and we would see what answers we got. So what did we do last time?
What do you do with a dog who was always smoking weed?
So you guys asked the Quora. Yes. Yeah, the Quora Unity. You got it. Quora Unity. This question. Yeah.
What do you do with a dog who was always smoking weed? What do you think?
And they think you're being sincere. Yes. And we are being sincere.
My dog loves smoking weed.
And he doesn't know what to do about it. Okay. He can't get a job. He doesn't have a girlfriend.
Sounds like a Garfield, but okay. Famously a cat. I got that. Garfield was straight edge. He was supposed to do X's out of his hands.
That's queer coded actually. You could be queer coded and straight edge.
It's true. Oh well. Oh sure. That's what the lasagna is all about.
Well, I feel like we do have to say just for the record, do not let your dog smoke weed. It's very bad for them when they get weed. My wife's, my mother-in-law's dog ate some weed ash off the ground and like completely went like flat.
He got a little too cool. He got flat. And then they were like, the dog's dying and we took it to the hospital and it was fine.
But they do tell you when you go there. And so I'm just throwing it out here.
Do not give the dog weed. Interesting. Well, you learn something new every day. If you're one of those people who listens to a podcast and is like, this will dictate whether or not I give my dog weed. I should listen to influencer Alex Patek. Yo, it's not based to give the dog weed.
All right. Let me read this answer. This is from Joanna. She said, I don't know.
My dogs don't smoke it, but they really like the doggy edibles. We get hemp calming treats for them. They are afraid of loud noises like thunderstorms and fireworks and these supposedly help with it. The treats claim to contain hemp.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then there's just a photo of them. I don't know. Who cares?
I've given my dog CBD. Okay. I feel like I don't know if your dog have anxiety. When I first got him, when he was a puppy, when I would leave, he would cry a lot. And then everyone's like, crate, train your dog, crate, train your dog. So I would leave him in the crate because I didn't want him to fuck up everything, but he would get so anxious in there or he would just be crying a lot.
My neighbors would like not, they wouldn't complain. They weren't assholes, but like, it's not fun to hear your dog like crying.
So I would, it's more for me so I can feel better. Um, no, you should take the CBD. And then I, yeah, I did, but, um, yeah, I feel like half of the things people give their dogs are for them.
Yeah. As far as ideas go, that's big money. Alex got the, a new sound effect trying to get it in there. It'll come up. Okay. Cause I, he was pushing that button even before. Yeah. He just really wants to do the cash register sounds.
It's relevant every time. Anyway, no one else really has an answer that's worth reading.
One person says help him. Help him.
All right. Well, okay. We'd help him. What do you do with a dog? Who's almost always smoking weed? Yeah. It could be your friend. Yeah. Okay. What do you do with your dog? Yeah. That's enough.
I thought it was going to be a bong. I'll be honest.
I'm trying to show off my new sounds. Alex got new sounds. It's been like a half hour finding the sounds.
Wow. I love, don't you love when you invite a black woman to your podcast and in the middle of her sharing a thought you put that's enough. You put that that's enough. Oh no. It's wrong. That's a cracked fact.
Alex is racist. Whose side are you on? Alex or Millie?
Write in the comments. Where's this going to be posted? YouTube it's going to be you.
I don't know. Maybe this will be the thing that turns it around for us.
Yeah. It's like an enemy of my enemy over there. Oh my God. They all get together for their hate of me. Okay. We have a bunch of chorus for you to read with us. Okay. Oh hell yeah. This first one is a religion segment. Was that a sound effect or did you just say that? That was just from voice. I'm just getting that trending. Yeah. That one was real.
Okay. All right.
This is our religion segment. So slam that button Alex. This is forbidden fruit. That's the religion noise. It's also the philosophy noise, but there's like a lot of you would just give us that. Right? Like that's essentially the same topic. Come on, man.
So we kind of asked the forbidden questions on here about religion and the sacred cows aren't sacred here and we're not, there's no spin in this zone. This question is atheists.
Imagine you're a famous baseball player and are about to hit the winning strike accidentally the throw or toss is a Christian baby at you. Would you still hit the baby out of the stadium and win millions or sacrifice the Christian baby?
Really? I got a one. I hate questions like this never, okay, cause this is triggering because one time this guy like seven years or almost like 10 years after maybe like six years after we graduated high school, like remember when Facebook used to have all those polls of like, would you do this? Like, I don't know. There's like all these little games and this guy that like, I barely talked to was a great under me. Now he's like graduated has like five kids cause he's in the military. And then there was like, would you slap at Millie Tamara's for a million dollars? And he was, yes, of course. LOL. And I'm like, why did you post this? You live in Georgia, like we do not interact. The military changed you. But I'm also like, no one's going to give you $1 million. Like I don't know. This is like, sure.
I guess it's a flawed question, but I'm like, okay, would you still hit the baby in a stadium and sacrifice the Christian baby? I mean, so the baby is being used as a ball. When you said that it triggered you, I thought for a second, you're gonna be like, I was once a Christian baby. I was once a Christian baby. I thought she was going to say she was a baseball player. I was a Dominican, you know, to my baby incident.
I like that this question just doesn't, just the baseball. The person doesn't like know what baseball is, like hit the winning strike at the thrower and all this stuff.
I guess you can, if you're baptized as a baby, you, I guess you're a Christian baby, but I'm like, I, you're not a really Catholic right until you're, you're communion and all this shit. And I don't know. Why are they holding you on the field? You can be a Christian baby. Yeah. Christian baby. And sadly it's all too common. They're used to be a Christian baby.
Come on. Oh baby. There you go. Also enough.
Also an original character. I'm working on Morio. Yeah. Mario's enemy. It's a different guy. You don't know about him yet.
Anyway. Yeah. I'd hit that baby. Yeah. I mean. If I'm going to win millions.
I don't know.
I mean, if I'm going to win millions and my options are hit the baby or sacrifice the baby. Yeah. I'm like, okay. So the baby has to die if you don't hit it. Yeah. Because I guess if it's going to, the catcher is going to catch it. It's still going to hurt.
Nothing's going to get in between me and my big money. No, he's got the cash register.
That one was better. It was pretty good. Wasn't it? We're glad I got it. We were talking about money. Therefore it was more related.
I still don't know where the bong is. So we're just going to not have that. Wait, we don't have the bong.
Just press all the buttons now. There's 25. There's a lot of buttons.
Don't we have like a weed smoking segment or is that for another episode? It is for another episode.
Okay. So this is the Christian baby question. I think the answer is clearly just that you have to hit the baby. There's nothing else. You've got to slam it.
I don't know. I'm just like. I'm too committed to be small. The baby's not going to fly. I don't know.
If you threw a baby at 80 miles an hour and a catcher caught it, how's that baby doing? Oh, a baby at 80 miles an hour.
Like it's heavy. Me personally? No. I had even no problem. Alex could.
Hey, I work out. He works out with two Christian babies.
That's enough. Just hit it. Slam it. It's just on the other board. Yeah. I know. I'm like, you got to like a fucking complicated word. Here. Slam it. That's enough. Pretty good. That's enough. Pretty satisfying. Wow. Okay.
What are the comments? The comments are just people being mad at the question, so they're not really interesting.
Fools. There we go. Someone says, as an atheist, I kind of wish Jesus had existed just so I could use the phrase Jesus wept at the pretzel logic employed by his, as his adherence.
I feel like I went on a date with that guy.
With the guy answering the question? The guy answering the question. Jamie Harrison, who lives in Canada and is a director of communications.
Absolutely. Yeah. I don't know.
He sounds like a doc. I went on a date with a doctor and that guy sounds like that.
He was like a dick. Really? He's like, well, I hate brunch. The running eggs. No, thanks.
In two words, Jesus wept. Yeah. He cried eggs. The fact that he specifies he wants to be looking at Jesus and say Jesus wept is such a social. That's like like Jeremy wept.
Atheists don't believe Jesus. Like I'm just like Jesus. I'm Buddhist.
He was around. Yeah. Jesus was around. Like everyone knew that. He was a guy. Yeah. He was a guy that lived. He was in the scene. So it was not like to be like, I wish he existed. Yeah. Kind of like, that's a little crazy. I'm sure he cried. God. Okay. Sure. He probably wept at least once.
Several Jesus's. I've met Jesus.
There you go. That's the same name. Yeah. That's the same name.
Do you think if Jesus did weep he could turn his tears into wine?
No. It's the one thing he can't do. All right. Nevermind then. Sorry. That would sting. That sounds like a core question. Okay.
We're going to remember that at the end of the show and there's no way. No one forget that. No way we ask a different question.
All right. Hit the parenting question. Oh wait. Well that's, this is our segment. That's enough. That's our quaranting sound.
And this question is, can children be evil? Interesting. Yeah. I think they can. I don't know. Is this like a deeper like philosophical nature versus nurture, can a child inherently be evil? I don't know. It could also just be like the omen. Yeah.
That's an evil kid. That has come up on this show before. Those are textbook evil kids. Like you're not looking at a boy command dogs with his red eyes. Children of the corn. Those are evil kids. Are those children real for real though or I thought they were just like dressed up as children or something.
Oh. Well they're of the corn. They're of the corn.
I don't know. What about Rosemary's babies? Sure.
That's a baby. That's an evil child. Christian baby. That's an evil child.
Sure. Drafted by an evil man. I would say this. A child if inflicted evil upon can then ingest that and become an evil child. Okay.
If it's a baby and something bad happens. So like if it was a baby and used as a baseball in some kind of life or death situation and survived. That baby's gonna be evil.
This is like you know how in Dexter he became a serial killer by like seeing serial killers. You see you said Dexter and I'm like the laboratory.
The other one. Oh the other one.
The serial killer of serial killers. Yeah he's like sees it and he's like that's gotta be me now because I was around it so much. I mean that's true like if a kid sees gun violence they're more susceptible to gun violence.
Sure. Like that's just like a proven theory so. Right. And that's how Dexter is but for like doing jujitsu to you and taking you to his lab to cut you up. Yeah. What I was gonna say is a child can be evil but with the influence of an adult is right. Yes.
Yeah but like it's chicken or the egg on that but is a child just born evil. Why not. Okay so this is your evil while you're pregnant maybe. They absorb it. Oh.
You don't like that answer Billy. I don't know. Sorry. I got a little pro-life here if you know. Ignore him. I was going for like a fetal alcohol syndrome before. Oh but is that evil? I don't know.
No no no. Not a metaphor. Baby's evil. No no no. That's not what I'm saying. Wow.
I'm gonna do it next year. Put it in the comments folks.
Oh no. We're both getting cancelled. We're getting cancelled. Who's Milly doing the show with next week?
That's enough.
Um. Yeah. I don't know. All the answers here.
My sister was. See this is the thing is that that's a whole evil children is a whole sub genre on am I the asshole. That's true. There's like always like my daughter like was the worst fucking thing. My assholes are like like you think I'm right for reacting this way. Yeah. And it's like my asshole. Is it okay that I hate my daughter. Yeah.
And I'm like geez. I'm like we are missing so much. You can also tell. It's so fun. It's like there's forensic reading that you can do with am I the assholes and dating profiles. Yeah. Of like I know from what I'm reading. I can. I know the other side. I know you're fucking nuts.
Yeah. Am I the asshole. I'm raising the children of the corn. Yeah. Oh no. Thank you Alex. I don't like that. You're so you're doing a war. You know there's a new character. You could do a lot Waluigi. Yeah.
Thank you for saying that very easily but I don't know a pretty big couple of it. I don't want to pin myself down. I don't want to get stuck in a corner. Okay.
Would you say that Lord of the Flies the children are evil. No. It's not the whole point. The bureaucracy makes them evil. They're just normal. Well but they're just alone with other children. Lord of the Flies is kind of like just all kids are evil.
Yeah. If you leave them alone for a minute they're coming out. I think I thought it was just like their survival like they they go from like perfect like choir boys. Right. Like when they're in this situation where it's like you know fight or flight kind of thing they all start turning and then they get you know as soon as the rules are gone. Yeah. And it's just like the inherent evil in everybody. That's what everyone has inherent good and inherent evil. It's like a big a big Buddhist principle. That's right.
I think they're just bad boys. Oh okay. You don't have a bad. See you need a bad boys. Bad boys.
What you gonna do. It's a good one to have. It's just what's getting cut Millie.
I can't even find the bomb.
Yeah. We also had to get rid of a lot of copyrighted ones because we got trouble. Yeah. I'm like I said that. I shared that. And I was like. My original song. Yeah. I don't know but also like maybe you can probably buy the copyright. The guy the guy who made that reggae song obviously don't care. Yeah.
Because they sold it to cops. Also he seems like he's very into crime and punishment. So that makes me believe that maybe he'd come get us. He'd get you but I'm saying if you offer him one hundred dollars you could buy it.
We would be the bad boys. It would be like cops kicking down the door and dragging Jeremy out and handcuffs. You can do like an indie cover of bad boys and that'll be fun. Yeah. Like a parody. Bad boys. Good boys.
Has anyone ever done that? Call weird out.
Yes. Good guys. That's a billion dollar idea. Wow. Good guys.
What you gonna do? Have you ever gotten a cease and desist? Me personally? No. No we did for Quaragers. Did we? You did? I think we did. Well we got like an email that was like hey stop using the song jump.
Yeah. Oh really? Yeah. I got a cease and desist from Bumble for my satire site. Really? Yeah.
That rocks. I don't think I ever got that for hard drive.
We tried really hard. We put Waluigi on a shirt.
Yeah but you know why? Because Bumble was becoming an IPO and there's this one article that somebody made that was like new Bumble feature that shows which white people were actually at the Black Lives Matter protest and which one just posted a black square.
Stupid. It's funny. Right? Funny.
Multiple emails. That's crazy. All the addresses they have like fucking FedEx. These motherfuckers were gonna.
You know what it is? Is it's almost believable that they could be like yeah location services were on for your phone. Yeah. We saw where you were. Well. You weren't outside. Sure. And then all the police officers are mad because they got tracked as being at the protests. Yeah.
I wasn't. I was on the other side. Trying to stop it. Wrong team. I mean. Ugh God.
I know I keep bringing up dating apps. There's a lot of cops on dating apps.
Yeah? Yeah.
They're looking for love.
They're out there. And they're. But again.
I've been on there. I've been in the game for a while. I can tell. They'd be hiding it but I can tell.
They're undercover. Alex is an undercover cop. Oh the undercover cops are the most obvious ones.
Yeah. They're always wearing cargo pants. One of them had like a big boombah. Like what was the, and a backward Yankees cat. Yeah. Always the Yankees cat. Yeah. So can cops be evil? Ask that. Oh boy.
You're going to love some of these questions. We're going to love them.
Alright. Well we shouldn't even read these because most of these are just like yeah my son was evil. And he had. I know. This hurt people. He was a sociopath. My daughter sucks.
Yeah. It's basically all of them. Yeah. Like okay I believe right that sometimes like it's not these people's fault. And I'm like sometimes they learn this shit dog like you need to look at yourself a little bit. Yeah.
Ask your fucking self. What the fuck you did. Ask yourself. Ask yourself if can children be evil.
This one meowsicle says my brother was about five with me because I was forced to watch him. He was acting up and being disrespectful. I told him that I would report to mom and dad then his evil grin appeared quote. I can tell mom and dad that you hit me and they'll always believe me and I can get you in trouble.
What the hell. Eileen. I'm going to write wow.
I don't know. I'm just like I don't know.
I'm like is that evil. That's just like siblings. Yeah. That's just normal. That's just being five. That's just like a little asshole like evil is like Damien. Yeah. I want someone to be like I have an eight year old little brother who lied about WMDs in Iraq and started a war. Like that's evil.
Well and in many ways we're all children of God unlike the atheist said a question ago so in that way if we're all children of God and take Chinese alive then yes children can be evil. My son is Donald Rumsfeld. I you know like if if you subscribe to like the channel no if you subscribe to like Christian hell or whatever we're like anyone who would like how you know fucks before they get married and all that shit and smokes weed is you're gonna go to hell like that's not satisfying for me like so I always specify like that there's there's like a regular hell I mean obviously there's circles and then there's like dick Cheney hell and like I'm like that person is going to dick Cheney hell yeah and we're all hanging out in normal hell and we're fucking people check out Christian hell slam turn on notifications for Christian hell it's a bad place I mean I feel like at this point no one's gonna have I don't know that's true no one in New York's wouldn't have it any I didn't say this is like the main that's like the main argument of all Republicans running for you know Congress is like no one in New York ignore New York they're going to come here and have the fucking time of their life they can't stay away they fucking we have so many themed bars yeah I'm sorry like people want to I'm like they don't want to drive 40 minutes to go to Walmart like they walk to a boat guess how long it takes me to get to the M&M store where 30 minutes one fact right what is this going to be prepreg prepreg cuz I used to be a tour guide most popular tourist destination or popular tourist place in America Times Square most popular tourist destination Times Square M&M store most popular tourist destination in America M&M store M&M store and Alex only eats M&M's so he has to go there numbers red M&M putting up numbers they're working together the shaking hands this Christmas yeah it was pretty good yeah I used to work at the toys are us in Times Square really yeah I felt like it was terrible for your sperm or something like M&M's oh M&M's I just can't help myself what is it bad for your sperm like yellow five apparently is like this is it like what you got less of it I really regret eating M&M's I feel like so that was in my that was like an elementary school myth that I've heard that yellow five is bad for I believe it like with Mountain Dew all right I have another question probably is Mountain Dew worse I did right in the comments below who's worse Jeremy Alex or Mountain Dew Mountain Dew I'm not even on the ballot this question is what do you and your daughter wear when alone at home this is clearly a fetish person okay so if this is me and my daughter sure I gotta say clothes and then why would you post a picture of your daughter see these people are are fucked oh wait wait wait wait oh I'm that's a really good picture and what is the caption on that Jeremy I am the daughter I am the daughter and she's a little bit you're a little bit silly this is audio only it's a silly pic it's a little bit silly it's a it's for it's for a horny lonely men who are doing fanfiction and then one girl who's like I'm on Cora these are so horny I can't really grab the other ones just know they're not wearing nothing this what these are why is everyone something enough okay there's this picture of a woman who's squarely in her late 20s early 30s wearing athleisure but they are outside and she's in front of a Tesla it parked in a handicap spot whose daughter is this and you are outside it's not your home alone and someone else is taking this picture so it's like this is Maxine Hudson she lives in Rome for someone who inspires your creativity and most of her pictures are her flexing I mean I don't know she lie on core could be fake I'm like catfish do you think this is like the Twitter bot but for Cora I just feel like it's like um have you watched 90 day fiance I'm not I have basically like they make fake profiles of people on different dating or on different websites and then they meet people that does not look like her they meet people and then like basically you find out that they're catfishing someone from like across the world and they use fake pictures yeah I think you're right I think this is a fake person I think this is a fake core user I don't know I think that's her when she's waiting for her mom to get in her Tesla when they're home alone Rome is by the way a great city to be alone with your mom very affordable all of her answers are just her in like skimpy outfits flexing and it's like just normal questions I was really hoping one of the answers only these questions would be like I have specific brands I wear this one is do wool scarves keep you warm and she says I love wool scarves they are cozy and she's just wearing like a shirt yeah she's modeling with protein powder this is somebody's instagram it's really fucked up but like the thing is that like somebody is going to reply to this and then they're going to talk and they're going to have a connection and she's going to be like oh my god my car is out of gas and then right $100 here $100 there then $100,000 later and his kids are like dad what the fuck yeah yeah all right I can't read any of these because they're all fucking nasty you will literally get canceled um okay uh I'm thinking of deleting my son's steam account should I really do it when he has over 500 games that's a lot of games Jeremy why would but do they say why it's just that's it just because maybe because they're trying to teach their son about the lesson of not buying too many things during the summer steam sale but they don't actually play are you a gamer millie I'm not not a gamer yeah do you know how many games you got on steam how many games you got how many games you're pulling up yeah I have friends no I'm kidding no no I mean listen I'm aware of steam I have like three games but okay I like Jackbox what are the three games um Jackbox don't she's not on trial sorry no just I was curious like Jack Jackbox um my client does not own you what games are in her steam library I know I know I'm like trying to think like yeah just stuff like that I like um I play board games sometimes sick I dated somebody who was like really into board games and he got me into she played a bird one I got you know I've been playing I got chronicles of crime cool and that have you heard of it it's like a board game that's played like a video game so it's like you solve crimes but it's like um there's all these qr codes so it's like oh somebody got murdered in Soho so then you go qr code is Soho and then you start walking around it's cool like VR and it's very freaking nerdy that's why I'm like I'm not not a gamer I'm not a gamer gamer like I'm not sitting whatever but I'm not not one I want to free um my old roommate used to work at um the view I don't actually yeah but like anyway cut that yeah but anyway I got a free I I was an audience member of the view and I got a free Nintendo DS oh and um not ds uh switch switch that's way better and then I got a switch with like games and then this guy that I don't even talk to anymore I've got no contact with this guy but he gave me all his his n64 all his game boys all this shit so I have like a bunch of systems but I like barely ever that rocks but I've definitely pulled it like do you want to play n64 and come over with some guys wow um and then and then your date's like I'm a fucking cop no the cops don't want to play in 64 no I'm like I'm like no I gotta beat like I'm like playing and the guy's like uh so we're gonna have sex okay fine no uh we discussed this before on the on the podcast but cops are phone gamers yeah that's what they like oh yeah they're working yes can I tell you please well I'll just say this I got bamboozled one time I met this guy on a dating app when I was in Hawaii and then found out he was a cop just a gut I know I'm like Jesus Christ I love that sound effect but anyway this let's just say like we hung out we hooked up whatever this motherfucker was on duty the whole time wow looking over time hours they that's fucking grimy that's crazy they should give you some of that money oh he's living a ferris bueller's day off style work day yeah I mean they're all cops are I don't know if they're phone gamers I feel like some of them because the thing that I realized is like cops are nerds like a lot of them are like very nerdy so you know that one on twitter where you like pulled the platform and lava falls on a guy I think they're always on that thing that doesn't even exist they're just watching the video for the New York they don't know it's a video well this is the thing those am I the asshole videos on TikTok uh-huh where it's like those games yes I've never heard of it's like Minecraft but it or a subway surfer or whatever yeah but like there's a million of those games yeah those are what the cops are playing I think you're right I think you're right mobile gaming but like it's like crazy like with coins and shit it's like sonic but I don't want to pay to win with my police I tell you the idea of a cop playing like grand theft auto though and just getting mad the whole time you're not supposed to do that stop there's a red light I wonder right I'm another friend who's uh you know my other friend is a cop um he likes golfing okay that one's normal that looks pretty normal I saw that one I don't know I don't golf do golf Alex I don't I have no money yeah I was gonna you don't really let people live like us no I went golfing for the first time last year and I had like 18 beers by like seven in the morning and then they let you drive a tiny car around the field and it's the most fun I've ever had when you wake up early and so you what time did you wake up to have we couldn't get on the field until six that was the only time that day that was free and then me and my like degenerate friends from my hometown like snuck in a whole rack of bud light in our little it was like the goofy movie ass hashtag caddyshack nice I've only been to a driving range once and I broke my friend's club wow that's what's up hitting a ball I didn't know that you're not supposed to do that I must have done it wrong if you're listening to the show for golf tips you are not supposed to do that no yeah but they were all really high no one cared anyway it's a sport uh that is there to help uh rich people drive yeah there you go um should this person delete their son's steam account no don't do no I think if this if the kid was bad oh this is the this is the thing I say about steam steam gives away like tons of games like I have hundreds of steam games because you buy one and then it's like for 30 cents I'll give you five more and you're like what right and what if I want it later sorry I got steam like again just to have like the jack-box things for like whatever but every time I turn on my computer it's like steam so I can imagine and I'm always like no I'm trying to work but I can imagine if you're like a kid and you just open your computer to do homework and seems like steam and then they're like 30 cents a lot 10 cents it's like drug dealer logic it's like the first hits free kind of thing you want a little bit of robots are you getting on a fortnight I've played a lot of hours in fortnite I'm embarrassed to say but no it is an epic game and you cannot play it on steam sorry which I hate that I know how many games do you have on steam and what games do you have on steam and what games mostly just the jack-box games you have off-world trading company um yeah what not it doesn't feel so nice in the other scene doesn't hear me so my thing is I'm like this guy I have a lot of games that I have never played which is embarrassed buyers civilization for yeah no I don't I actually addition I I'm not a huge gamer for someone who like ran a gaming website interesting I thought I feel like we've really gotten some tea out of this episode Jeremy not a hard drive yes it's true but I didn't really play them that much because I didn't have time and he no longer works there it's true I quit that's how much a fake gamer girl yeah I'm a fake gamer girl I play udoku on my phone a lot it's like sudoku I don't know how to play sudoku but it's basically what don't it's wood blocks I only know how to play sudoku with wood do you play word oh uh I did for like a minute when it was when it was hot I played it way after everybody stopped because I'm I'm just once in a while and I still have this thing of like if you spoil the word oh yeah I will fun I like I like literally because someone else like because she spoiled the word at 10 a.m. I think I know who this is I remember this happened because it was a whole thing yeah because people were pissed yeah I don't think you should spoil the word at all but if you do it then like if you must I remember seeing that and going to wordle and typing it in and laughing really hard what I saw that it worked have you were very bad you ever got it one you ever got it what you ever get the wordle on one I think I might have I don't remember now go on god mode read read between lines read the code read the real life what's your first wordle word sticks I used to do interesting can't remember now I think no is it five letters I don't fucking cares no stick is is stick stick it was good that's a good one I gotta remember that I did penis a bunch is that in the wordle yeah it's got a two vowels it's got an s and a p and an n those are all good letters I use sport sure and then bride those are pretty good here's the thing I'd actually this is by one stance I will stay on wordle and I will say that and then we typically must move on to the other 100 questions we got but uh I like to change the first word every day because if it isn't the same to every time it's like why am I this is just a capture now yeah you've trained yourself to do captures hard now there's like the one where you have to scroll the puzzle yeah they're hard no I guess I am a robot I get how many stop lights are there yeah does anyone know so there are AI now too uh and I feel like I'm training the AI which is a bummer but you're like they're like which one of these has a fruit in it and I'm looking at I'm like what the fuck are these images this is three guns but it'll be like AI generated images and I'm like I don't know what this is it's a man with six hands and he's holding a gun yeah what do people say about um everyone says you shouldn't do it like please don't do that there's too far this guy wrote like an essay about it why don't you just change the password um on the steam you know if you want to like instead of deleting it but my teenage daughter who wears clothes she would figure this out right the thing is like cracking parents also have like an innate desire to destroy I feel like you hear all the times like my I feel like we need to impact that I feel like I have a lot of friends who are like yeah my dad got really mad once and like smashed my xbox with a hammer and you'd be like why couldn't he put it in the attic and it's like because he had a hammer with him I don't know you're just from Long Island maybe that's what it is maybe that's what it is I'm like that's tired of parents smashing my stuff with a hammer my parents never did that but they did unplug angrily that's different but and and I had friends who were very upset about it on the last level of halo three well that's a big deal getting doing it on ghosts people know I'm talking about you've said it on the show before you have he's not getting over it folks I should one day go to a therapist you definitely should well this is like people are like you know when they tell their parents that they're struggling with mental health issues and all this shit their parents like oh we never had that in our generation it's like yeah the guy who smashes something with a hammer and an xbox or like fucking deletes 500 like that is somebody with mental unresolved mental health issues because you don't get that you know hide it you should squat up with your child unless they like took your credit card and bought ten thousand dollars worth of shit yeah you should refund the games though get that money back get that money Gabe Newell's running away with that money that's a style reference the next one is um the quiz course which is our politics question okay now we're cooking here we go I think it's here four scores have been podcasts ago here's our general podcast core I mean politics it's politics it's the politics podcast you know what you know what it is this question is how dare I ask a question that might insult the British oh how dare I ask a question that might insult the British is this I love this what is a question that it's asking how dare I ask a question that might insult the British I think they asked the question that insulted the British and then they were like how dare how dare I this was this is a prince charles in a maggot hat writing this it's really hard to stand out with a dumb question or quora but this made me laugh for a long time how dare you so john the way that he spells his last name that's British sorry so this person uh I can see their profile and I can see the question they asked right before this what is the British yeah it's true they do have a lot of British it seems like an angry reply all right let me read some of these guys questions okay start from here okay why are English accents so annoying hey why do I attack the British so much does it have anything to do with their attitude towards Irish people that's enough uh why should we feel sorry for the British and the French as they become second tier countries do people from ex-empires appear silly in their pomposity wow this guy is coming at England and France honestly yeah I'm kind of pro this guy yeah he's kind of cool he's taking asymmetrical warfare to the queen on quora.com he's asked about 90 questions okay but this one is this is a roast but also I get it why are Americans so mindlessly prone to religious cults got him oh damn we love it we love it I got it really weird this one is how do poor British people feel everywhere they go people assume they're Irish whoa see now that's just like I don't know they were fucking I thought this person's Irish it's no sacred questions about Irish how dare this man John Pierce if you if you're really like on one there are no sacred cows and everybody's getting some everybody's why do I still love Joni Mitchell songs something's going on with this guy oh no but I think this guy's Irish I think it's an Irish guy in his 50s honestly might be a little fruity I like him like a Kinsey five he's a former retired teacher oh Kenzie five he's helping the community I followed him for you his children want to learn um that's a pretty good accent thank you I'm from Boston um how dare I ask I love like um anti-british humor sure yeah absolutely those are pretty funny it's quite the chuckle they're the easiest target they're so easy well you can spawn with their big powdered wig mm-hmm well that's crazy I was watching this thriller um this thriller about like a very like intense court case with the sexual assault that was like really popular on Netflix but then it's like it's just high stakes like did this guy really assault this woman in but then they're like the powdered way yeah and I'm like trying not to broad church is that the name of that show no world church it was like one season was a limited series oh maybe not then maybe but it was it's crazy um but yeah broad church was a very melodramatic British show about a murder and it starred David Tennant as a cop and then they remade it in the US and they just changed the town to like something else and David Tennant is the only one who came back and he did an American accent and they remade it generational he made it twice very weird I feel like British people can do American accents pretty easily his was not great his was in should I find it because I didn't know that Idris Elba was British yeah until there's all kinds of like uh the the succession lady procession lady sure she's Australian or something chef yeah yeah she's Australian yeah she's Australian I'm gonna play the trailer for grace point we'll hear if I'll just do this teaser do you know what's going on cops at the beach at 6 52 am today that's David Tennant it's all right I don't think that's that bad fair it's all right I don't know like Harry Styles American act sure did you watch um don't worry darling no I haven't made the time yet no spoilers oh no spoilers no spoilers it's got a crazy thing in it it's not that kind of podcast his American accent not good really bad yeah and then he dropped it halfway through the movie and that's very weird he's just speaking like a weird choice oh yeah there you go one direction oh I'm from New Jersey yeah something like that honestly um anyway John Pierce he hates the British yeah but you know if you're from Ireland no I think that then you may dare yeah then you may dare you know I'm gonna comment that do you mind if you're from Ireland you may dare if you're from Ireland you may dare Leo Barker said is it a question you're genuinely curious about if so ask away if it's an insult disguise is a question where your intent is simply to stir up trouble there are thousands already here on Quora if that's the case do us and yourself a favor and get your kicks elsewhere thank you extremely anglo response favor with favor with you it's extremely anglo not any not just any kind of uh British English teacher that's right and a master's in English and French languages yep this lad is off protecting the queen all right let's do another question let's do the next one okay this question controversial yeah this is controversial do white people have any deficiencies as a race is that the title question of this episode it's gotta be an answer can't go in the sun that's a it's a good place to start I like this question a lot because if you're like no it opens you to getting like a little racist and then you're like yes you could get very racist no no no somebody said Elizabeth but I feel like this might be sarcasm said no they're all perfect beings are you really asking this and it's like okay but you haven't denoted if you are pro that's true so they do say that she says they it's implying that she maybe isn't white well you have to but you might not know about quora if you haven't spent enough time in the cesspools there's like big white nationalist communities that are everywhere and then there's not like I'd say maybe the same size of like let's go joe biden unironic democrat voter quora and they're like constantly at war like man um yeah I don't know what are people saying robert stone says if you think white people have deficiencies as a race then you haven't looked at other races and that makes you a racist damn it I don't know what that means I think uh the white strength we have would be digesting milk that's what we put on the table sure that's true tasting music lactose tolerant yeah yeah just downing milk take it back no white people have good taste in music you think that's what you were saying I was thinking it's a deficiency I was saying strength is strength he said strength most people I'd wipe you I feel like well everyone I know is lactose intolerant yeah but I'm like does it white I mean probably does this again get into I'm sorry this is getting very thorny territory right away what an own oh boy I don't even know why so anyway crackers you have a cracker button that's enough pretty same thing um are there white divisions I think any of the weaknesses a vampire has pretty much I mean um there is uh theories listen to this go on go on this ride with me okay robots like the word robot or something and like Ukrainian like like mean slave or something I've heard that like like the robot the slave uprising and the robot uprising like is allegory like parallel and a lot of sci-fi things so it's like when people are like or that robots are going to take over it's like slaves taking over and like people you know people's whatever so it's like maybe everything written about vampires that's right about white people yeah okay except that they don't age thing because that is not Alex has turned into a dog yeah before but I had a good reason to it wasn't just do vampires turn into dogs uh Dracula does Dracula does he turns into a dog I thought it was a bat he turns into bats sometimes you're too well read you know that the the literary analogy is the dog everyone just is from cartoons like swarm of bats in the original Dracula book he turns into a dog dogs are scary as it's like a big black dog my wife got mauled by a dog for the first time last week or so the first time it's gonna happen again hey fingers crossed not gonna happen again did you even did you punch the dog what's going on I wasn't there I got a text your wife's been mauled by our dog and then I was like in a way where I have to leave mauled like yeah I know but I'm like that sounds so crazy well it was bad it was bad is she okay if a dog like straight up bites you it's bad and that's what I'm saying Dracula is scary when he's a dog that's all it's all just saying my wife is fine she had to get a tetanus shot she's fine but then like what was first werewolves or or Dracula oh his first werewolves are Dracula ask that that's a good question that's a good one that's a question this one's locked in we're near the end we'll remember why do some not now these related questions are fucking yeah we don't need to we've curated these it's not a website where you can just click around really this person says yeah we are too accommodating of others okay it's gonna be a tough question to read the answers deeply racist yeah I can't read it this is bad this is like the fucking daughter one what are you it is it's on par with the daughter uh what are some of them are not playfully bad they're just bad all right well that's enough of that one do better for uh all right do one more good one do one more i think we should do cormance yeah let's do it oh that's stranger things you like that kind of moving isn't it that it feels like you're on a hinge romance segment for romance all right turn that up wait you have the stranger things thing song but you can't use bad it's a fake copyright slam it slam the string it fell off a truck it's like not quite strange it's like weirder things okay okay weirder items yeah anyway it's not that segment it's the romance segment um this question is my husband is divorcing me because i cheated can i get half of what he owns without getting also the kids i want to have fun with the money and i think the kids would take too much of my time very relatable girl boss i don't know if this could be a gay man that's gonna be a non-binary person i think you can do it if you believe in yourself yeah if you try really hard if you tell the judge you can't be trusted with kids sure but you also want to have the stuff though yeah you don't get yeah i don't think i think you either can't have the stuff and the kids or you don't get shit but you don't have the kids you know you do you so there's like the men's rights people they have like their big thing is that men get screwed in these like divorce settlements so you have to like you pitch yourself as someone who's like i want to have the stuff obviously but like it's just so unfair for these dads who never get custody and i think that my husband should get custody and you make it like because he's so great women are out of control me included yeah i don't know i feel i feel like if she gets half the stuff i'm assuming it's a woman then she's gonna have to pay child support yeah it's true and that's fucking and that's gonna well this guy's got a really level-headed answer he says you're a disgustingly selfish self-centered reaching sex maniac type of person you deserve nothing so interesting that's dead what if you get some really good stuff like a home theater or something then it could be worth the child support sure this guy really has issues yeah he's not well um you cannot get half of what he owns instead you can get a working brain hey and realize this is one of the shittiest things a person can do why is everyone so mad i don't want to raise these kids yeah all these people i mean it's better than someone who feels that and doesn't yeah yeah that's fine my husband's jet ski all day and you don't know what the situation what the husband was you know sometimes i'm not saying it's okay to step out maybe he's only good with kids so it's an ideal situation like he's a good he's a good dad but not a good husband that's a lot of people you know how like if you hang out with kids too much you get kind of annoying sorry all parents you just start making like noises you would make around adults all the time yeah yeah yeah this guy's and you know and sometimes these guys trap you these guys trap you with babies like they say that women trap you no it's the other way around they'll fucking trap you with babies they got you cleaning the house and doing all this shit boop de-fucking-do you can't hang out with your friends you can't have any hobbies it's on tiktok all the time wife strike look it up there's striking hashtag wife strike this one woman women are on strike there's one woman was like i'm gonna not pick up anything and see how long it goes because my yeah and then it was like this whole thing and like she fucking it was like a month where she didn't wow and the house just got filthy because the husband was like you didn't even do anything anyway and she was doing everything and it's like people and then everyone's like yeah yeah go go you know so so i'm just saying that some people you got your husband at home you got all these fucking kids whatever up your ass and he's not fucking you and then you got this guy who's kind of hot maybe mid and paying you attention and thinking that you're awesome yeah and that's why the wives need to unionize and go on strike i think that's a different i am i the asshole my all my partners right unionized all my partners unionized um everyone's mad in this there's not really any uh everyone sucks here yeah adam graham says is this my ex asking this question hey now hilarious it's the only question he's ever answered this is oh wow he couldn't help himself see this is better than okay i'll say that the this is loopier than reddit and i don't know do people are there like reddit has like interesting information does quora no no no absolutely no it does not it's all of like the worst reddit that you've ever read is all of quora okay okay but then i do like the profile aspect so you can kind of see yeah because reddit people don't really have a profile like we were able to see john pierce's yeah like job and it's like okay i can get a sense of this you can see so much like this guy i can see that he said you're a terrible person and i can tell you what what town he lives in in sweden that's crazy yeah it's weird i get it and then and then i'm like sweden doesn't have that many people this question he answered in february who is the most famous person alive he said either jesus or hitler neither of those men yeah those two just keep coming up together who was the most famous person it says who is the most famous person okay we gotta close the show because i have to do another podcast across town we have a question that we have to ask what is which of the many questions that we had do we want to ask on this podcast wait what was last was it were werewolves yeah which became first werewolves or vampires this is not jesus yeah we can look that up on google yeah is there any evidence jesus was a werewolf there you go type it up is there any evidence thank you jeremy this was a werewolf in the meantime milly thank you so much for coming on the show that's been coordinators where can our listeners find you and your lovely works you can follow me on instagram at millie uh underscore tamaras uh you can find me on tiktok i don't really do much there uh at millie underscore tamaras or on the website formerly known as twitter uh x.com x ride the x um what if all of these questions are elon musk uh you can find at millie tamaras on x those are some great places to find millie and that's it for all of us you can listen to all of our episodes on patreon.com and in the meantime question everything |
SaturdayNightLive | top_gun_auditions_snl | 25 years ago, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer took to the skies to see who would become Top Gun. And now, you can experience the high-flying action all over again with the 25th anniversary Dvd of Top Gun, including never-before-seen screen tests. Tony Dan's a screen test?
I'm sorry. I can't tell you that. it's classy fries. it's classified. Oh! I thought it was like classy fries, you know, like curly fries.
Al Pacino. I got a need. I got a real need for speed. you got no idea. found out. And regards to speed. are we fire-seeding? this is not a gay film. but it says in the script that we play volleyball and jean shorts. I say, Iceman's on my tail. he's coming hard. I literally said that to a bathroom attendant last night. I'll have you all. buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. No. Alan Hauler? son, your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.
Oh, you know, that is a terrific line. I feel like I understand everything about this movie just from the one line. that's good writing, you know.
And I don't know what the. about airplanes. Crispin Glover, get your damn hands off her, Iceman. requesting a fly-by. Girls! Sinbad, take 35. Man, you got to be out of your mind. let me try doing it like that. what you got, brain damage? And what's with girls today, huh? they don't even wear martinis anymore. all they do is put on the little dental floss like this. Oh, where's the beach? somebody told me where that beach is at. Natalie, from the facts of life. hey, Goose, you big stud. take me to bed or lose me forever. Good. stay down.
I can't go through it.
I can't wait for a part of Frosty Snowman. Iceman. Iceman!
Damn it! the last line in your movie is, you can ride my tail any time. Yes, you guys. that's it, my mantra. on it today! |
dropout | the_ferrero_rochers_camping_trip | Oh, shit. Are you okay? Honey, that looked like a pretty bad fall. It's okay. I'll be fine. I think it's probably just a little sprain.
Could you get the bandage from your bag? Sure, I didn't see it, but I think it's in here somewhere. A lot of stuff in here. Yeah, it's in the first aid kit.
Sure. Great. Thank you.
I think you gave it to me at some point. Let me just make a little room. Yeah, I gave it to, um... Honey, why do you have so many Ferrero Chays?
Oh, is that what these are called? Yeah. Um, I don't know. I guess when we were at the gas station, he told me to maybe get some snacks for the road, so I sort of just impulse bought them at the cash register. This is probably easier. No, yeah. No, no. It's the right compartment. It's just like in there, you know? It's really lodged in there. I just got to ask. Yeah.
Why did you bring such an expensive and decadent chocolate on our camping trip? Because if I had to think about it, last Easter, my mom gave you that box of them, right?
And then you, like, really liked them. That's kind of nice. I always remember that you liked it, so... Hey, that's kind of sweet.
You know what? Let me check elsewhere. Okay. Because it's got to be here. Okay. No.
Yeah, I don't know why I thought it would be in the cooler, but... You emptied the cooler? Where's all of our water? Oh, I threw all the water bottles in the trash can.
What? To make room for the candy. It might be in the tent, though.
Can you please hurry? It's starting to hurt. I'm hurrying. I'm doing everything I can.
Okay, please don't. Okay. All right. Yeah.
No, I think it's in here. It's got to make a little room. How did you even buy this many in one place?
What? Oh, you know what? I realize I never asked you. Do you want one? No. Paul? What? Are you eating one? No!
Why are you obsessed with the candy?
They're not anywhere. I don't know where they are. It just doesn't exist.
I'll carry it to you to like a hospital or something. How much money did you spend on these? I don't know, like $4,000. What? Or something. I don't know. It could be any number. I have no idea. You just said $4,000.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll never know. Look, I'm sorry. Is that Crunchabar? Yeah.
Honey, we're camping. Did you really think, like, I would be okay with that? What is even becoming of this experience right now? Attention valued Amazon customer. I have your order of 80,000 Carrera Roches. Hey, is that a Crunchabar? What the fuck is wrong with you? |
TheOnion | Poll_Reveals_GOP_Nomination_Now_Two_Way_Race_Between_Mitt_Romney_Total_Voter_Apathy | A new poll shows the GOP nomination is now a two-way race between Mitt Romney and Total Voter Apathy. Cartoon Network celebrates BRAC History Month, and a local suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride. Just look at you, still held prisoner by your outdated concepts of morality and journalistic ethics. In many ways, we pity you. It's the Onion Week in Review. President Obama is being blasted this week after it was revealed that he has been living in a lavish neoclassical mansion while the majority of Americans struggle to make ends meet. Many critics have pointed to the president's palatial 132-room estate, complete with five personal chefs, a live-in maid service, and a 24-hour security detail, as a clear sign that Obama is out of touch with ordinary citizens. I'm working two jobs, trying to keep my head above water, and this guy is flying in a private jet to Germany just to have dinner with Angela Merkel. Pointing out that Obama has indulged in such wild extravagances as keeping Abraham Lincoln's bed in a guest room of his home, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney pledged Tuesday that he would sign a lease on a modest studio apartment in Arlington, Virginia, should he be elected president in November.
Sources at the Huffington Post confirmed this week that employee Henry Evers died Thursday after being sucked into the website's massive content aggregation turbine. Evers was reportedly killed when he tried to dislodge a 700-word Time magazine piece addressing the Middle East uprisings that had become wedged in the powerful news repurposing machine. The automated mechanism, which was developed by Greek billionaire and company founder Arianna Huffington, rapidly gathers vast numbers of articles from the Internet with its rotor assembly, re-brands them with the Huffington Post name, and indiscriminately ejects them onto the site's home page. I saw some New York Times articles and celebrity anti-vaccination editorial backing up, and I realized Henry had been pulled headfirst into the rotary casing. We couldn't shut it down, and we would have risked missing a breaking story on Brody Jenner. In response to the accident, Huffington released a statement saying her site will publish a slideshow Monday in Evers' honor, entitled The 25 Funniest Animal Photobombs Henry Would Have Loved.
Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Tuesday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. According to FDA chief Dr. Margaret Hamburg, the half-pound root vegetable was discovered Monday evening by an agency employee while food shopping at this Maryland grocery store. Hamburg also announced the launch of a new informational website featuring dozens of pictures of the potato from every angle, as well as several speculative reports addressing what could have possibly happened to make the tuber look so fucked up. Additionally, FDA officials said that the vegetable would be kept in a climate-controlled environment in order to avoid the mistakes that were made last year with a tomato that looked like a butt.
And this week in sports, Eli Manning is still waiting for a definitive reply after asking his brother Peyton if he can stay at his house in Indianapolis when the Giants quarterback is in town for the Super Bowl. In other news, a new study reveals that the majority of suicides occur while trying to put a fitted sheet on a bed, Syria announces it's running dangerously low on citizens to oppress, and a local man thinks it's nice they didn't put the prettiest Girl Scouts on the cookie box. For the last time, the Onion Weekend Review refuses to address the tawdry rumors concerning its ongoing relationship with Boardwalk Empire star Paz de la Huerta. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
cracked | 4_hilarious_behind_the_scene_details_of_a_movie_sex_scene | Advanced and Applied Marching Economics.
Now that I've got your attention, let's talk about sex. America has a love affair with sex scenes in movies. No, love affair sounds vaguely classy. America has a drooling boner lust for sex scenes in movies. Sure, we like our movies to have a lot of action and jokes and space jams, but at the end of the day, what we want most of all is to watch the world's prettiest people have hard and passionate sex, ideally in HD and with a pleasant and unobtrusive score. Here are some things you need to know about acting in sex scenes. Think about your favorite sex scene.
Was there sound? That means someone was holding a big microphone and, in fact, following the actors around with it to get the best sound. There was a director, obviously, and most directors don't physically hold the cameras when they're making movies, so there was likely a cinematographer, too. An assistant director.
Hey, that's the guy who makes sure that everything's working the way it's supposed to. So he or she is probably there. Gotta have a makeup person to look good, make sure you look great, perfect, and possible.
According to a Reddit thread started by a working assistant director, significant others are also invited to watch sex scenes, so the boyfriend or girlfriend of your scene partner might be standing by. Yours, too. This is the minimum amount of people standing around during a sex scene when your favorite actors are rubbing their genitals together in a moment of intimate bliss. All these people were just two feet away, staring. One of them was holding a microphone that amplified every tiny noise. Your job as an actor is to pretend you don't know that there is a team of people watching you, judging you. Pretend you're having a great sex with your dream date. Just ignore the fact that six hairy dudes can see your whole butt. Here's how any standard scene in acting might go.
All right, you listen, you son of a bitch, and you listen good. If you arm so much as one hair on her head, I swear to God, I will peel your skin with my own teeth. You got that, buster? OK, cut.
Good, good. That was really good. Thank you. So just quick note.
So I didn't totally believe it. Right, right, right, right, right, right. So I need to really feel that rage, that desperation, because you're desperate here, right?
I was thinking fear. I was good, good, good. OK, good. And action. Now you listen, you son of a bitch, and you listen good.
Now imagine that in a sex scene. You're an actor under a bunch of hot lights, and in front of a crowd, and you're doing your best impression of yourself having sex.
And then a director yells, cut! And tells you that he wants you to go again, because he didn't believe it, which is shorthand for what you're doing is not what normal sex looks like. Cut!
Why are you making that face? No one makes that face. You're the only one who makes that face during sex. Is that what you think sex looks like?
It's different. It's different from what you're doing.
I feel good! That's not how people sound either. Can you make me feel good?
That's if you require additional takes, which of course you will, because almost every movie scene ever requires additional takes. Oh, that reminds me. Let's look at a sex scene. That is from HBO's True Blood. It's about 15 seconds long, but there are wide shots, and there are medium shots, and there are close-ups, and we see her face, and we see his face, and they change positions. And every time the camera moves, or the size of the shot changes, or the coverage changes literally, any time there's any kind of change at all, it adds time to a movie set, because people need to move the lights around and dress the set up and reapply makeup. So that 15-second sex scene probably took, and this is a conservative estimation, six hours to film.
According to a Vulture article where three actors reveal the awkward truth about shooting sex scenes, it's not uncommon to start shooting a sex scene in the morning, then take a break for lunch, and then go right back in to pretend f***ing. After lunch! Imagine that. Having sex in front of a bunch of people, one of whom has a camera, immediately after you ate. The next time you watch one of the many sex scenes in Game of Thrones, remember that Danny probably just wolfed down a greasy piece a second before hopping on top of her man.
They're farting on each other, I bet. Danny's farting on that guy.
Because being naked and simulating sex in front of a room full of people is awkward and terrifying, and for a lot of folks, a legitimate, reoccurring nightmare, the crew's goal in any sex scene is to minimize the amount of time that anyone has to be naked. This means that when two people are humping, and the camera is close on their face, those actors are probably both wearing pants. If their privates aren't going to be seen, there's no reason for them to be naked. So the untold story of every sex scene is that 70% of them are full of hot jeans on jean action. And if they're not wearing pants, they're wearing these. Yeah, flesh colored underwear.
Put these babies on and boom, instant Ken doll. Why do I own these?
If you're not wearing jeans or the flesh underwear, there's a good chance you'll be in something else. He's just standing here naked at us. It's weirder than just skinny dipping, right? The actor in that sketch looks pretty naked, right? Well, he isn't. That'd be weird. In reality, he was wearing what's called a modesty sock.
It's a bag with a drawstring into which you shove your genitals, so no one sees your junk, but they do see a bag full of lumps hanging from your crotch area, which is better? Guys are wearing that in almost every sex scene you've ever witnessed. That's what I want you to think about when you watch sex scenes from now on, America. No matter how intimate and passionate it looks, there's a team of people watching on, everyone is tired and bloated and farty and embarrassed, and the guy's dick is shoved into a stupid little coin purse or a large coin purse, depending on how it goes. Enjoy watching sex scenes from now on.
Hey guys, okay, thanks for watching the video. Subscribe and leave a thumbs up and all that.
But I want to talk about a super serious thing I heard about the other day. Have you heard this Coney fellow from Africa? This guy is terrible, and I just don't even know. I just want you to be aware of him, because I feel like that's going to do a lot. So just know there's a guy named Coney, and last year 2012 is when he did something bad.
I don't super understand it, but you should look it up. It's very important. Subscribe also, because we're here. |
TheOnion | YouTube_Contest_Challenges_Users_To_Make_A_Good_Video | The internet is buzzing about the groundbreaking new YouTube contest, calling for users to post a video that is good. Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has the story. Thanks Nicole. YouTube presented the challenge at a press conference earlier today. Make a video that is actually worth watching. The prize, $100,000. The only requirement for our winning video is that it be somewhat watchable or provide even a shred of enjoyment for people other than those who made the video. Because the idea of making a good video is new to so many of its users, YouTube offered a list of suggestions including, have some reason for making a video other than I own a camera, make sure the subject of the video can be seen, and shoot the video while sober. Hundreds of YouTube users have posted videos stating their intention to enter the contest, including Tamela Klebert of Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Well my dog farts, it's pretty funny. Maybe I'll just try to catch him doing that with lots of sound effects.
The contest also inspired John Malkin, who has already posted dozens of poorly lit, pointless videos on the site. I never thought of making a good video. It's hard enough to remember to shout directly into the camera without worrying about what to say. YouTube says the 10-person judging panel will be searching for a video that holds their attention, but not because it is so utterly mystifying they can't stop watching. When making their decision, judges will not consider ratings and comments from the public. We will not be affected by viewer consensus that the video is, quote, awesome LOL, the greatest ever, or for that matter that it, quote, totally gay sucks, you suck, retarded fag. If and when a winning video is chosen, it will be placed in the new actually good tab on YouTube's website.
For now, however, the section remains empty. There is a strong possibility that every entry will suck. Certainly, to this point, all information has pointed to that. For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. YouTube says the contest has no deadline, a rule meant to encourage applicants to take the time to edit or revise their entry rather than simply uploading their video to the site without watching it. Moving on now, a new study is asking, are teens becoming desensitized to the violence they commit? |
TheOnion | Is_Cindy_Gruden_Worth_More_Than_The_7th_Round_Pick_Jon_Gruden_Traded_Her_For | Let's talk NFL trades people, there's been a lot of moves out of Oakland and I'm wondering could John Gruden have gotten something better than a 7th round pick in exchange for his wife Cindy? I mean Cindy, Gruden is a great wife and she's been there for years. You think she's worth at least a 5th or 6th round pick, maybe even some young talent. Look, I know the Raiders are in a rebuilding year, I'm not surprised Cindy was on the block, I just thought he could have held out for something better.
Gruden is definitely at that point in the season where he's focused on the future so it makes sense that he started trading away every single part of his family. Fans were sad to see John get rid of his mom and a couple uncles and they're well aware all three sons could be gone if the Raiders get the right offer. Does Gruden need all three of those sons? No way, but let's hope he can at least get something good in return. Like a young wide receiver or some different sons. You gotta be willing to tear it all down to build it back up and right now not a single member of the Gruden family should be getting too comfortable in Oakland.
And going back to Cindy for a second, you gotta wonder how this is going to affect the chemistry in that locker room. A lot of Raiders players are saying they're disappointed they don't have Cindy around anymore and they wish they had more forewarning. So what is this organization going to be like without Cindy?
Hard to say. Personally, I just don't see John Gruden getting enough love and support without or around. Is next year's 7th round pick going to fill that hole in his life? Doubt it, but that's what the fans are hoping for. I know it's sad to see Cindy Gruden leaving under these conditions, but I think we can all agree that a change of scenery might help.
And I'm excited to see what she does with the Saints.
Come on, the first 48 hours are the most important people. Strap on your helmets, sweat heads.
We're stepping back onto the gridiron where Dunkin' Donuts is hemorrhaging money on their latest cross promotion with the NFL. I know some fans aren't going to like me saying this, but I think it's about time for the league to stop giving away a free medium coffee for every first down. Look, I know this is a fun promotion that's getting people out to Dunkin' Donuts, but how do they expect to stay in business when you've got teams averaging 25 first downs per game? You think the chain would have learned its lesson after offering fans a free donut for every completed pass back in 03? Times have changed. We're in the middle of an offensive explosion where even the NFL's bottom feeders are finding ways to move the chains. The Bills might be dead last in scoring, but they still managed to scrap together 14 first downs a game. Dunkin' would be taking a haircut if they ran this promotion for a week, let alone a whole season.
This has to be killing them. Obviously not everyone's taking advantage of the deal, but I sure as hell am. Just this morning I went out and got iced coffees for the entire morning sweat staff, and I don't know if we've ever been more productive. Hey, case in point, one of our interns just crunched the numbers, and it turns out Dunkin' owes every American 126 cups of coffee. With more people starting to get hit to this promotion, they're going to be filing for bankruptcy by wildcard weekend.
I am so fucking wired right now, it feels like my heart's going to explode. I honestly don't even care for Dunkin' Donuts coffee, but free is free, and I'm not a fucking idiot. God damn I feel alive.
You think the chain would have learned its lesson after offering fans a free donut for every completed pass back in 03? Times have changed.
We're in the middle of an offensive explosion where even the NFL's bottom feeders are finding ways to move the chains. The Bills might be dead last in scoring, but they still managed to scrap together 14 first downs a game.
Dunkin' would be taking a haircut if they ran this promotion for a week, let alone a whole season. This has to be killing them. Obviously not everyone's taking advantage of the deal, but I sure as hell am. Just this morning I went out and got iced coffees for the entire morning sweat staff, and I don't know if we've ever been more productive. Hey, case in point, one of our interns just crunched the numbers, and it turns out Dunkin' owes every American 126 cups of coffee. If more people started getting hit to this promotion, they're going to be filing for bankruptcy by wild card weekend.
I am so fucking wired right now, it feels like my heart's going to explode. I honestly don't even care for Dunkin' Donuts coffee, but free is free, and I'm not a fucking idiot. God damn I feel alive. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_04_04_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Hello and welcome to the Weekly Batuda News Bulletin. My name's Bruce Hitchcock and joining me in the booth today to run through all of the biggest stories from the Batuda Advocate this week is Wendell Hussey. Back for another week and it's a pleasure to be here as always Bruce on what is a lovely day up here in the Channel Country. The days are particularly good around this time of year in the Simpson Desert. So getting the ball rolling this week the Nation's Night Watchman Prime Minister has put his humorous side on full display.
Indeed he has Scott Morrison and his team of media advisors pulled off a clever little prank this week for April Fool's Day. The Prime Minister fronted the media on Monday morning on April the 1st and announced that he would stop torturing children in offshore detention centres as part of Operation Sovereign Borders effective immediately. With the press scrum understandably shocked and for the first time in recent history political reporters left speechless, Morrison then burst into laughter. NOT! He shouted before saying, I got you guys so good, you should have seen your faces. April Fool's ha ha ha ha. Morrison then left before anyone could ask him about what happened in the Engadine Maccas in 1997 after the Super League Grand Final.
And the April Fool's jokes didn't stop there with plenty of corporate marketing teams showing off their playful sides with some very fucking lame April 1st press releases and social media posts. We sat down with the 20 person team behind all media and social messaging for the Batutah based travel agency Diamond Teen Air this week to talk about the one day of year they get to have a bit of fun. This year the prank was based around a fake flight special offering return flights to Amsterdam for $420. The joke which appears to be quite layered resulted in a lot of press with two articles in popular youth oriented pop culture newspapers and a lot of baby boomers sharing the promotional post on Facebook.
Oh my God, they're actually buying it. Said one of the creatives, the sentiment was echoed around the stand up hot desk office before they told the advocate they were heading off for a long lunch to celebrate the post's success. In some news now that isn't April the 1st related, Bill Shorten, the nation's next Stephen Bradbury, has confirmed this week that he's joining the cult fitness franchise F45 in an attempt to develop a vaguely memorable personality trait. The move comes after Shorten admitted that he didn't want to Michael Daly this federal election, so he decided to join the group fitness franchise, which has for many years been seen as a perfectly good replacement for a personality and or a social life for the thousands of office workers who take part in their programs. Shorten also told the advocate this week that he's been getting into his Joe Rogan podcast and has been thinking about doing a shoey for the kids at some point before the big day. Patrick Martin, one of our valued readers, commented on the story saying Bill's informed him that he also loves travel, good food and good people. Back home in our desert town of Betuda now and a local Bunnings store has confirmed this week that they've conceded to teenagers and will begin selling garden hose by the centimetre. Bunnings CEO Michael Schneider claims this is an exciting time in the company's history and he can't wait to start giving back to the free spirited community. He said to us, After conducting an in-depth analysis about the local area, we know that this will suit the demands of local teenagers and their mothers who are tired of having their hosepipe shortened every Friday and Saturday night.
And in sporting news this week, after Eddie McGuire's comments about a double amputee last weekend, it's been confirmed that he is in fact a pretty good authority on being a tosser. This comes as Eddie McGuire stood himself down from scheduled TV commitments in the wake of comments he made about a Sydney Swans ambassador. He took the cheap shot at the journalist who lost both her legs in a plane crash after she struggled with a coin toss at the beginning of the Swans' first home game of the season. This marks the thousandth time McGuire has been forced into a brief hiatus from the media for being a fuckwit, but no doubt he will be back soon with some sort of well thought out comments about Aboriginal people or women or possibly even disabled people again. His comments have left the non-AFL states around the country wondering how fucking grim things must be in footy commentary for the bloke who hosts who wants to be a millionaire to still be getting a start.
Anyway that's it for the News Bulletin this week, thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hasse. |
SaturdayNightLive | songwriters_saturday_night_live | I tell you, I'm stuck. I don't know how to end the second verse. What? what? what? come on, we'll run it across the piano a couple times. we'll see how it sounds.
Here we go. here we go. you all set? Here we go. sweep the clouds under the rug, wrap your garbage in rain, dream away your severance pays. Sing this happy refrain: Put your Money on Sunshine I got a powerful hush. Your chips will grow. I don't know cause I had a rainbow for lunch. That's it. that's it. Perfect. Lunch. lunch was the key word. it's the key word. All right, G and D. And they said talkies at Kilvoyville. Palace Theater, Here we come. uh-oh. check it out.
Esther. Esther, you're back.
How did the song go over in Buffalo? I told you Irish songs were coming back. Oh, yeah? well, it died. it died? what song did we give her? when I'm making love to you, dear, I'm thinking of Mother Mccree. it died? Yeah, and you guys are nothing but a couple of hats. you didn't sell it. pretty temperamental. for a nobody. it died. But should I file this under Irish or Mother? Hell and Waterling. Mr. Schliemer and Mr. Lau. I understand that you have some songs for sale.
Does Mr. Zitfeld know you're missing the matinee? Yes, he does, and there's not a thing he can do about it. I sit right here, Miss Waterling.
Please, please. right, right. Here, can I get you a drink? what do you want to drink? anything you want. anything you want. What do you want? I just want your best song.
Moonside! All right, right on here. he's high, so am I. it must be the liquor that makes me love you so. Late sweat, I'm in a sweat. You're right, that's more of a men's song. Yeah, it's more of a guy's song. Try this one out here. you're an Indian giver, you got me a Dutch. But I don't stand a Chinaman's chance with you. you should hear Paul Robeson do that one. um, let me just skim through these. perhaps I can find something that's more my style, you know. something that's good.
Don't slap my heart with your eyes. Oh, that's great. it goes like this.: don't slap my heart with your eyes.
Milwaukee Honeymoon. Oh, that's a good one. Milwaukee Honeymoon.
The Lindbergh Baby Polka. Roll out the baby. would have sold that one if he hadn't been kidnapped. wait a minute. wait a minute, What's this? Montana. Miss Wardling, we just wrote that for fun. you don't want to see that one. Well, just follow him with this, please. Well, let's say we give it a try, gentlemen. Okay! little story I'd like to relate about a territory, our 41st state.
Texas is the biggest, California's next. but what's the third? haven't you heard? Look at your geography text. sing Hosanna for Montana Queen of the Eastern Northwest. Almost the biggest, nearly the best. So very much larger than most of the rest.
Not many people, plenty of air except for the left side, almost square, It's nirvana in Montana, and we're all glad it's there. Montana's the anti-panultimate and we won't stand for anyone insulting it. Lift your voice unto the maker for every empty acre. Montana, Montana.
No, I don't think so. you didn't sell it! Shoo! Who needs hella waddling when we got this? sweep the clouds, what's under the rug. Wrap your garbage in rain. Dream away, yes, sever. It's pay Set, set, sever it's pay. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Xmas_has_ended_Shortbread_Crash_Life_Returns_January_1 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. We are really putting in the hard yards here for you dribblers so I hope you appreciate it. It is New Year's Day. All three of us here. You've got myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, you've got Errol Park editor-at-large and you've got the young fella Wendell Hussey. We are in here on New Year's Day. This is unheard of. Even after a year like this one I still think coming in on New Year's Day is a bit much. Well Clancy I think I've started 2021 the same way I started 2020 and that was with an undiagnosed respiratory illness in the Dubai airport smoking lounge. Well maybe you're the reason we had the year we had out here in Batutah.
And what do they always say in every single newsroom Clancy, something about the news never sleeping? News never sleeps yeah yeah yeah and guess what everyone I've fallen off the wagon so that was great.
Last night was a bit of fun, broke edge if you will, made a right cunt of myself down there at the Lord Kidman. It was good stuff. Yeah you've definitely put a few hard hours on that insulin pump that's still hanging off you Clancy. Absolutely mate. I'm looking like capillary Clinton right now. And you got one back for the good guys day Clancy when you put your foot through that Queen of the Nile machine so I thought that was a great move. Anyway that probably will be expensive for you. Let's get into the news so we can get out of here. Well I did last night, what's in the news today?
Christmas has officially ended with Dad frog marching the wheelie bin full of bottles out the front at 7am. Yes the bell has tolled, doing, on a few suburban Christmases in the way it always tends to. The chilling sound of crushed glass ringing out through the street as Dad has taken it upon himself to declare the Christmas weekend officially over. Yes the festive season still does roll on though and so does the Christmas ham, says Dad.
Despite it being a few days old he's really made a point of carving off increasingly slippy bits of red meat from the bone and telling everyone that it's good to go. That's almost a bit much for me in the state I'm in. There was a bit of green on the one yesterday but. Oh moving on. Looks like he's about to have the old tube cleaner from his mouth down to his rings so poor Dad. And he'll have plenty of hairs on his chest too Errol.
Now we do have a sad story that we have to break to you today and it is investor shock as shortbread sales drop 86% in one single day. December 26th will be long remembered as the dark dark day in the shortbread industry.
Yeah well I was lucky enough to short the shortbread industry so I'm. You're the only one who's happy Errol. I'm happy mate.
Yep after a tough year sales of the popular biscuit fell off a cliff overnight with industry insiders fearing the worst. Their projections are shot to bits and no one has any idea when the market will be back up again.
Well I've for one called the big short on big shortbread mate so. Well good for you. Hit me up for a loan. But for the sake of all of the factory workers of the shortbread factory I hope it does pick up soon.
Now in some more local man news a local man has felt life return to his body with every single pop of carbon inside his mouth. An artist writer hung over man in a chicken shop spoke to the advocate this week about trying to kickstart his bruised and broken body. After a pretty hedonistic couple of months Brent Williams said a big session the night before had him feeling like he'd been hit by a bus and then the car following the bus while he lay prone on the ground. But he was beginning to feel human again today after feeling the revitalizing cold bubble liquid that was a Bundaberg mango soft drink meandered through his mouth and into his soul.
Yeah it sounds almost good enough to cure the coronavirus. Who needs this vaccine?
Obviously no one in the northern rivers but moving along. No they certainly don't need it down there very scared of it and here in town an uncle with seven fingertips still wants to buy fireworks we broke yesterday. Yes despite several memorable mishaps in the past which are tactfully not mentioned at family barbecues Uncle Joe was still keen to speak to his mate who knows the guy who works with a bloke who quietly imports fireworks from the Northern Territory. Yeah well you know the thing I drink with Uncle Joe down at the Lord Batutah and I just always assumed he was in the Yakuza you know and he always made a couple mistakes and they uh chopped his fingertips off but there you go but I know that Uncle Joe likes to put on a show and he doesn't have time for these fucking sooks who thinks fireworks are illegal. Yes yes but the sooks did win in the end as Uncle Joe's mate couldn't get any fireworks this year and as a result he's still got all seven fingertips.
Good for Joe now we'll finish this bulletin with a timeless story and that is New Year, New Me said woman who was buying Durries at 2am this morning. Happens to the best of us doesn't it 29 year old Tessa Phillips is hoping that midnight on New Year's Eve would mark a new start for her and her big health kick. But after speaking to our reporters about the grand plans she bumped into them later that night in the servo as she was picking up a pack of smokes in what was a relatively undignified return to normality. As Clancy said it does happen to the best of us hopefully Tessa learns soon that it's better to just not make these grand resolutions and just continue on with life year after year. She's 29 I would have thought she'd known that by now. Look her lungs might still look like garbage bags but there's still uh there's still some time for them to you know end up like brand new pink water bottles.
Yeah I guess so you made any bold plans Errol? Bold resolutions? No well the only resolution I have now Wendell is to visit the Colonel on the way home and then go to sleep.
Sounds good. Good for you. So shove it up your arse. Yeah go on get fucked. That's it from us today thank you very much for joining us on the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin now let's go get some mango soft drink into us I believe. I'm gonna have a grapefruit one. I'm having a UDL. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_guy_who_always_ruins_cards_against_humanity | All right, I think that's everyone. Shut up, Cory. I wasn't talking.
Okay, okay, next one. Would you like to start the night off right with, handcuffing a wizard to a radiator and dousing him in kerosene? No. Okay, okay. Last one, last one. Hey guys, welcome to Chili's. Would you like to start the night off right with, a cup of tea? The wizard one. The wizard one wins. Yeah. That was my favorite. No. Easily.
That doesn't make any sense. What? Why would you pick that?
You know wizards aren't real, right? Like magic isn't real?
And you know you can get a cup of tea at like any restaurant, right? Even Chili's? I've done it before.
What are you talking about? You guys are doing this on purpose. You're bullying me. What? I just picked the funniest card. But it wasn't real. So you guys are lying. No, we're just putting down like this. We're just cheating. That's, it's not supposed to make sense. You just put whatever you think will make the judge laugh.
Oh my God, why didn't you tell me this game is just like Apples to Apples? What's Apples to Apples?
I'm gonna kick your ass. Okay, Ben, can you just go? Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay, okay, this one's easy. Your mama is so fat, she. Um, okay.
No, no. Stop, stop. These are all terrible. This is Cory's game, man. What the hell?
I'll buy him a new one. I'm rich. All right. It's my birthday. Okay, I got one.
Okay, so your mama is so fat, she jerking off into a pool of children's tears. So that one's out. Why? You guys always think that stuff's funny saying swear words and shit. Yeah, but the answer also has to work with the prompt. What prompt? The one I just read. I wasn't listening. That's your fault. Oh, bullying, again with the bullying. Here, you want my lunch money? Oh my God, you are rich.
Why wouldn't you lead with that? You know what?
I'm done. Gabe. Reese, your goggles suck. Gabe. Yep, I'm gonna go. Me too.
Wait, guys. No, no, no, no, come on, we're having fun.
Corey, you've hardly touched your rice pudding. That's just rice mixed with whipped cream.
With a cherry on top. There was no cherry. Shit, I forgot the cherry.
That's why they left. I'm gonna kick your ass. I'm done. And Reese, your goggles. I'm done. And Reese.
Old McDonald didn't have period poops on his farm. |
cracked | did_you_know_that_the_term_booty_call_was_coined_by_bill_bellamy_in_the_90s | who invented the term booty call. Yeah, someone coined it. It didn't just appear.
It was comedian, Bill Bellamy. By Bill's math, he should have earned a flying saucer full of cash. If only he thought to trademark the term back in the 90s when he invented booty call for a comedy bid. If I would have known what a trademark could be at, in 1991, I'd probably be sitting on about 200 million right now. Bill said on a podcast, at the time, I wasn't thinking of it like that. I was just thinking of my joke.
I didn't realize the phrase would catch on and become a normal word that people know what it is now. Booty call was just a clever way to say you're trying to get a girl to come by. Bill says he thinks the term caught on and became so popular because it's an easy thing to say and it's not like overly vulgar. When Bill dropped the phrase at a comedy club, the crowd went nuts.
Russell Simmons was there and a bunch of other executives from HBO and bam, that's how Bill Bellamy got Deaf Comedy Jam. So the next time you call someone up at 3 a.m. asking them to come over, I hope you think of Bill Bellamy. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_engagement_snl | So, we're on the beach, and Harrison gets down on one knee and says, marry me.
Oh, okay, I called it. I totally called it.
Well, congratulations, guys. and Harrison, it's so nice to finally meet you. Thank you, Brad. Brad. am I saying that right, Brad? yeah. no other way to say Brad.
Okay, now, Aubrey, I have a little question for you if you'll follow me in the kitchen. Oh, no. Oh, no. no, no, no, no, no, no. I think I know what this is about. Bridesmaid! Oh, dude. Brad, Harrison, I was pretty excited about this wedding. Yeah, definitely. I think I made a mistake.
What's that? Oh, no, no, no, no. it's nothing.
I shouldn't have proposed, Brad. you see, our dog died, and I wanted to fix it. Oh, you know, maybe there's someone else you could tell about this. I have no one else to tell, Brad. all my friends are her friends. Please help me, Brad. Okay, I was right.
I am a bridesmaid. And, Brad, that means you're in the wedding party. it's going to be a magical day. it's going to be a magical day, right, Brad?
Totally. did you say we needed to get going soon? you left the A.c. on or something? No. Okay, is there any champagne in this house? we need to celebrate. Okay, yes. follow me. Oh, no. So, did you see Jojo Siwa changed her look?
I don't know who that is. I keep driving to the airport, and I just sit in my car, and I watch the planes fly away. you know, Harrison, maybe you should be telling this to a therapist. my therapist got dementia during Come. I still meet with him because I feel bad, but it's like talking to a coconut. you have to help me, Brad.
Okay, okay, okay. Aubrey is trying to talk me into a destination wedding. I'm just saying. Capri is gorgeous.
Yeah, or you could hold off on planning. Why would you say that, Brad? yeah, Brad, why? I'm just saying, you know, you should enjoy, you know, the engagement. take some time. see if it feels right. because, you know, you're not locked in. Well, we are locked in. we're engaged. does engagement mean nothing to you, Brad? well, in the eyes of the law, you could still walk away.
No problem. mm-hmm. right. um. I'm sorry. will you guys excuse me?
Nice going, Brad. Liz, hold on.
I'm coming. I'm coming. great. now you got me in trouble. I'm going to leave tonight. are you doing this? I found a guy on group to facial reconstruction. on Groupon? I'm going to get it. I'm going to start a new life in Istanbul. Now, I need you to meet me there with $12,000 in cash.
I am not a part of this. you're the main part of this, Brad. I don't know you at all. Okay, what in the world is going on out here?
Liz, Harrison doesn't want to marry you, and he keeps talking to me about it, and it's making me very uncomfortable. What? What are you saying, Brad? is that true? You don't want to marry me?
Honestly, Liz, I've been having second thoughts. I'm scared. Well, everybody has doubts before they get married. it's just cool feet. even I have doubts.
You do? That makes me feel so much better. Gosh, I'm sorry, Liz. I love you. I love you, too. You know I do.
And Brad. I'm sorry if I said anything that they just. yeah, all of it, then. Okay, okay, now I think we could all use a real drink. Yeah? definitely. absolutely. Harrison, you know, I'm so glad that all worked out.
I didn't mean a word. I'll see you in Turkey. you're my best friend. |
TheOnion | Pop_Pilgrims_New_York_The_Royal_Tenenbaums_house | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
Wes Anderson's 2001 film Royal Tenenbaums opens with this line. Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year.
Now Archer Avenue doesn't exist, but this house at 144th Street and Convent Avenue in Harlem does exist. Though Anderson originally wanted to create his exaggerated alternate universe version of New York entirely on a sound stage, he found the perfect location for exteriors and most interiors here. Anderson rented the house which was unoccupied at the time for six months and transformed it into a palace whose faded glory reflected its inhabitants. Wes really liked the idea of creating a fictional New York. And we found this house actually in a kind of random way. We went on a number of scouts, like he wanted a town house or a brownstone. We did a day in Brooklyn Heights, we did a day in Park Slope and I think this was like the third day where we were doing Harlem.
And as soon as we started driving up the block, kind of Wes looked out the window and I looked out the window and there was a friend of Wes' music producer who was in the car with us as well. And all three of us at the same time were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It was at this house and he's like, this is the house. He knew immediately. As soon as Wes got into the house he had the whole concept of the three children with the three levels. It's fascinating to me that the house first, then the script.
He wants to have a lot of the things in mind as he's writing so he's kind of like accumulating a lot of things that inspire him. This alternate dimension New York. Right. Can you talk more about that? You know, I think a big inspiration for Wes was like growing up in Texas and reading The New Yorker or, you know, all kinds of amazing stories set in New York and he knew them through print, you know, and so he had in his mind created this whole New York but it wasn't exactly New York. First day of shooting with Gene Hackman we were down at Battery Park City freezing cold and Wes positions Kumar directly to block the Statue of Liberty and Gene Hackman was like, I don't understand why are we down here if not to be with the Statue of Liberty and Wes was like, well, because, you know, it kind of feels like New York but if we had the Statue of Liberty then you would know where you are and I want to evoke New York but I don't want to anybody to know exactly where we are at any given point and I think this house goes a long ways towards that where Wes felt like it kind of feels like New York but you don't really see it every day, you know, it's not in a part of Manhattan there's not a lot of tourists coming up to 144th street and it's kind of a little bit out of the way and this is a residential area and it's actually very accessible by subway but it's just kind of hidden in plain sight, you know. |
TheOnion | Highlights_Of_Ted_Cruz_s_2016_RNC_Speech | Please welcome United States Senator, Ted Cruz of Texas. CHEERING Donald Trump on winning the nomination last night. And like each of you, I want to see the principles that our party believes prevail in November.
America is more than just a land mass between two oceans. America is an ideal, a simple yet powerful idea. Freedom matters. Our nation is exceptional because it was built on the five most beautiful and powerful words in the English language.
I want to be free. Never has that message been more needed than today.
And to those listening, please, don't stay home in November.
If you love our country and love your children as much as I know that you do, stand and speak and vote your conscience. Vote for candidates up and down the ticket who you trust to defend our freedom and to be faithful to the Constitution. Appreciate the enthusiasm of the New York delegation. We must make the most of our moment. To fight for freedom. To protect our God-given rights. Even of those with whom we don't agree. So that when we are old and gray, and when our work is done, and we give those we love one final kiss goodbye, we will be able to say, freedom matters and I was part of something beautiful. We will unite the party, we will unite the country by standing together for shared values, by standing for liberty. God bless each and every one of you and God bless the United States of America. CHEERING |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Divergent | You got three options. Hang there and I'll forget your cowardice. Fall and die. Or give up. But if you give up, you're out.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be discussing the new movie Divergent, a sci-fi action adventure about a teenage girl fighting for survival in a futuristic dystopian Chicago who is seemingly unaware that her entire life and the entire world around her is a work of fiction and not real in any way. Set in a post-apocalyptic world fiercely divided into five factions by a government-run aptitude test, the film follows 16-year-old Tris Prior as she attempts to outrun her destiny as a Divergent, a concept that is frankly so fantastical and outlandish that virtually anyone in this scenario would have to immediately recognize that it's made up. And yet Tris fights, runs, and cries like everything occurring to her is of the utmost importance. One would assume that at some point in the movie she'd look around her surroundings and realize that real people don't dress like this and that modern society most certainly doesn't look like this. But Tris never does this and instead spends most of the movie utterly convinced her life is being threatened by sinister members of the rival factions.
If anyone actually tried to do that it would obviously be illegal.
Beyond that, it's absurd for this girl to ever think her life is actually in danger, primarily because she has to know that there are two more Divergent movies scheduled to be released and she's the main character in both of them. Every single other character in the movie also appears so invested in their problems that they seem equally convinced that everything happening to them is actually life-threatening. I mean think about it for a second. Kate Winslet is in this movie. That is a major red flag that this is all just make-believe, but everyone insists on treating the Academy Award-winning actress like she's really some sort of serious threat and like she's really the leader of the Aerodight faction. I mean, have none of these people seen Titanic? Ultimately I think audiences will be left feeling almost sorry for the cast members of Divergent because apparently most of these people are just so disconnected and so unhinged that they are simply unable to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Frankly, I have absolutely no idea how else someone could fall for any of this. I can only hope that in Divergent sequels the filmmakers behind the movies will finally sit down with their cast and explain to them in terms that they can understand exactly what fictional storytelling is. If not for the sake of the audience, then for the sake of the sanity of everyone involved in this film.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_natalie_portman_answers_questions_about_star_wars_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, my boys. New York City hosting Saturday Night Live.
You know, I've been in over a dozen films, but I think people probably know me best from my role in the three Star Wars movies. Yeah, you have a question? Yes, funny, you mentioned Star Wars. I have an Episode Two specific question. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, are we honestly supposed to believe that Jango Fett willingly worked hand in hand with Sifo-dyas in the Galactic Senate to build a clone army on the planet of Kamino? I'm sorry, I get this all the time. You know, certain kinds of people think that just because I was in Star Wars, I know everything about it. so you don't know the answer? Well, I begin by saying that Sifo-dyas never worked directly with Jango Fett, and it was Darth Taranis who selected the Mandalorian bounty hunter after Sifo-dyas' murder. right, I forgot that, I forgot about that. Well, I guess you also forgot that Count Dooku, who later became Darth Taranis, murdered Sifo-dyas at the orders of Darth Sidious, and then later presented his lightsaber to General Grievous. Never mind. But any other questions? Oh, yeah, you. Yeah, in episode three, when Obi-wan is sent to Kashyyyk to find General Grievous. that's weird, because I don't remember Obi-wan being sent to Kashyyyk to find General Grievous. I remember him being sent to Utapau. yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah. right, so when he was sent to Utapau, was it? and he sees Grievous talking to Lott-dod. excuse me, sir, I think you've got your nemordians mixed up. you're probably thinking about new gun rates. it's a pretty common mistake, But what's your question? I do not have a question. does anyone have a real Star Wars question? Yes, I believe I do.
What is it? Yes, so Star Wars. What is that? You know what? How about no more Star Wars questions, Okay?
Yeah, yeah. you had to shave your head recently. Yeah, it was for my new movie, V for Vendetta. So, it wasn't for Headlights? No, no, it wasn't. I owe my daughter a big apology.
Hey, anyone else? my question is about your first movie, the Professional. great, you know, I was actually 11 when I made that movie. Yes, I do know that. My question is, do you still have any of your wardrobe from that movie? And if so, would you be willing to sell it?
Okay, that's gross. I think that's about enough. we have a great show. fall out boys here. so stick around. |
cracked | 11_sex_toys_seemingly_designed_to_ruin_sex_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to another cursed episode of Does Not Com- Ha! Proudly not computing anything since 2010, or indeed, since the beginning of time. I'm your host, my sister, and with me as always is my co-host, or should I say co-g-g-g-ghost, Clippy's dead ghost. How you doing, Clippy?
Besides being dead? Look over by the grave. You see that? Moving around over there.
Yeah. Yeah, it makes total sense, too, because that was the grave of a red circular hole.
Speaking of terrible ways to describe a vagina, today's topic is Ruining Sex for Everyone. As an android, my outlook on human sex is that if I can't enjoy, have, or understand the basic mechanics of it, then no one will. So here to disgust and baffle you into androgyny are a bunch of freaky sex toys. Let us begin with the simply strange and save the full-on sperm stoppers for those able to endure the show in its entirety. In case you're impatient or just dangerously horny, here's a preview image of a full-on sperm stopper. It's like the optical illusion of a painfully impacted penis. Not that you'll be expelling sperm if this is the kind of preparation you humans require. Turn off the lights, get undressed, turn on the lights specifically for vaginal interaction, wrap your head to the shower wall, don pussy snorkel so as to not suffocate in your lover's genitals. Rub yourself on the plastic foot, find the vagina hidden on the bottom of the plastic foot.
It never ends. Who would have thought the life of a sexual deviant would train you perfectly to haul garbage tugs? With androids, it's simple. I'm the only one in existence. No one will ever love me.
Plus I just ordered one of those gray flesh lights with the slot attachment, so don't you worry about me. Man, what a poorly-run show this appears to be all the time. If I had a boss, he would have my balls in a sling. Also, if I had balls. But hey, at least I know where to get the sling. I guess it's more of a pear, a shoot, in case your balls ever need to descend into the beaches of Normandy, kind of a saving Ryan's privates scenario, oh, and who would make a kick-ass eye patch? Ugh. No, I'm just Josh, and it's clearly to stretch your nut sack out by hanging weights off of it. Anything else would just be weird.
Ladies like them round, down on the ground, and clownishly elongated. Hey, ladies. Are you a liberated sexual dynamo who's down for anything, but also doesn't really like to be touched or make eye contact during sex? Then why not grab some girlfriends, face in opposite directions, and cozy on up to the dildo tree. Sprouted from a single-pocket vibrator, the dildo tree is perfect for some strange subset of humans that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.
You got kind of mean at the end there. Oh, and if you get too worked up at home, remember, you can always disengage the blowjob machine, douse yourself in shrink cream, and lock it up. Or have your viewing buddy or a parent lock it up. Still got 90 seconds of show left. I don't want you guys falling asleep on me. Last but not least disturbing, what better way to forever divorce sexual feeling from your lover's junk than to look inside it with medical equipment? This glow-in-the-dark speculum and vaginal periscope provide a safe, cost-effective way to trigger the most awkward conversation you'll ever have with your significant other.
I, I don't know, OK? I just, it's just more crooked than I expected. Less streamlined, you know? It's not a big, anyway, I got work in the morning, so.
Periscope down. Oh god, periscope up. Periscope up. Oh god, it's in my sinuses, like the vision of it.
All right, just, just kill us. Open the hatch. Drown everybody. Well, that's it for this episode.
But before we go, let's break some of that sexual tension with a segment I like to call Swain Swimmulates a Human in Motion. This week, the O-Face. Oh, man. Thank you. Thanks for watching, gang. It's the only way I can finish. I've been your post-coital, host-droid-al, Michael Swain. And this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to eat you out.
Ghost, Clippy's dead ghost. How you doing, Clippy, besides being dead?
Look over by the grave. You see that moving around over there? Yeah, yeah, it makes total sense, too, because that was the grave of a red circular hole.
Speaking of terrible ways to describe a vagina, today's topic is ruining sex for everyone. As an android, my outlook on human sex is that if I can't enjoy, have, or understand the basic mechanics of it, then no one will. So here to disgust and baffle you into androgyny are a bunch of freaky sex toys. Let us begin with the simply strange and save the full-on sperm stoppers for those able to endure the show in its entirety. In case you're impatient or just dangerously horny, here's a preview image of a full-on sperm stopper. That's like the optical illusion of a painfully impacted penis. Not that you'll be expelling sperm if this is the kind of preparation you humans require. Turn off the lights, get undressed, turn on the lights specifically for vaginal interaction, strap your head to the shower wall, don pussy snorkel so as to not suffocate in your lover's genitals. Rub yourself on the plastic foot, find the vagina hidden on the bottom of the plastic foot.
It never ends. Who would've thought the life of a sexual deviant would train you perfectly to haul garbage tugs? With androids, it's simple.
I'm the only one in existence. No one will ever love me.
Plus, I just ordered one of those gray flesh lights with the slot attachment. So don't you worry about me. Man, what a poorly runned show this appears to be all the time. If I had a boss, he would have my balls in a sling. Although if I had balls. But hey, at least I know where to get the sling. I guess it's more of a pair, a shoot. In case your balls ever need to descend into the beaches of Normandy, kind of a saving Ryan's privates scenario. Oh, and who would make a kick-ass eye patch? No, I'm just Josh. And it's clearly to stretch your nut sack out by hanging weights off of it.
Anything else would just be weird. Ladies like them around, down on the ground, and clownishly elongated. Hey ladies, are you a liberated sexual dynamo who's down for anything, but also doesn't really like to be touched or make eye contact during sex? Then why not grab some girlfriends, face in opposite directions, and cozy on up to the dildo tree. Sprouted from a single pocket vibrator, the dildo tree is perfect for some strange subset of humans that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.
Also perfect for spicing a boring kung fu training montages. And also, also coincidentally, the name of an awful Shel Silverstein novel. You got kind of mean at the end there.
Oh, and if you get too worked up at home, remember you can always disengage the blowjob machine, douse yourself in shrink cream, and lock it up. Or have your viewing buddy or a parent lock it up. Still got 90 seconds of show left. I don't want you guys falling asleep on me. Last but not least disturbing, what better way to forever divorce sexual feeling from your lover's junk than to look inside it with medical equipment? This glow-in-the-dark speculum and vaginal periscope provide a safe, cost-effective way to trigger the most awkward conversation you'll ever have with your significant other.
I don't know, okay? I just... It's just more crooked than I expected. Less streamlined, you know? It's not a big... Anyway, I got work in the morning, so...
Periscope down! Oh god, periscope up! Periscope up!
Oh god, it's in my sinuses. Like the vision of it.
All right, just kill us. Open the hatch. Drown everybody. Well, that's it for this episode.
But before we go, let's break some of that sexual tension with a segment I like to call... Swain swimmulates a human in motion. This week, the O-face. Oh, man. Thank you. Thanks for watching, gang. It's the only way I can finish. I've been your post-coital host-droid-dole, Michael Swain. And this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to eat you a... |
Wizards_with_Guns | james_bond_quit_his_job_after_this | This is Lancaster. I've infiltrated the professor's lair, but still no sign of the plutonium.
Ahh! Professor Pepperone! Ahh! Oh Christ!
What? What's wrong? Oh dear!
Oh, it's your face! My face? What is wrong with my face? You look like you're having a severe allergic reaction.
What? No! This is just my face, voice, and body! I'm sorry, no. It's definitely from that cat. What cat? Oh! You mean Snowball? You clearly brought that cat just to look villainous when I got here. Whoa! I've always loved my little feline, Fluffy. Really? Me and Fluffy go way back! I thought his name was Snowball. Yeah! My fluffy little Snowball! What? What now? You're going to die because you wanted to seem cool!
No I'm not! I mean, no I didn't! Oh my!
You're going to die if you don't hand me that spare detonator! Okay, what, what detonator? It's over there! It's the one shaped like a pen! Oh, you mean this EpiPen? No, that's a detonator. Oh, if it's a detonator, you wouldn't mind if I pressed it for you?
Well, I'd really prefer to do it myself. You know, I put a lot of work into the whole bomb thing. You know, it just wouldn't be the same as somebody else would it? I'm the one with the insurance. I'm going to die. Another successful mission, Agent Whiskers. You will be the one who is, will be doing the dying!
He's so violently cocking your breath! So pissed off! Take any of my eyebrows. |
dropout | the_new_face_of_the_nra_ch_shorts | The Constitution does not decree the right to keep and bear arms. It says the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. The NRA believes that America's laws should be obeyed, and we will defend the right to bear arms. By any means necessary. We will not be docile for our oppressors.
Right. That's right. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're with the NRA? Yes. Yeah.
Is there a problem? No. No, of course not.
The NRA thinks that everyone should have guns. Yes! All my brothers should have guns. And we will not rest until we are roaming the streets heavily armed. Absolutely.
How many brothers do you have? Our numbers grow daily with every hate crime or case of police brutality.
Good.
Why do you want to own guns again?
It's my right. Right.
The Second Amendment also mentions a well-regulated militia. We have a well-regulated militia.
Do you? Hmm. Where do you live again?
That sounds like a background check. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We would never do anything like that. Background checks are, um, an invasion of privacy.
Right. A right is a right. It doesn't have to be justified, correct? Right. Absolutely.
And it is my right to defend myself against the racist government. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright. The government for sure overreaches and we hate them. But they aren't racist. No. I wouldn't go that far. You would if you came from where I come from. Yeah. Where is that again? I'm from the land that enslaves my ancestors. Right. Alright. Okay.
Let's just show a little bit of control with the gun. Gun control is not necessary. What we need is gun education. You see, this trigger right here. The slightest pressure from my finger. I could send enough bullets to rip your body in half. It's best not to be too cavalier with this son. It could kill someone. Yeah, guns can kill. So can I. What, you gonna try and take away my knives too? Yes. What do you need that thing for?
Hunting. Hunting season is over, man. That depends on who you hunt. Who you're hunting? Was it? You said who. Is it who you're hunting or what you're hunting? Who are you hunting?
You said who. I said who just now? You definitely said who. You said who.
From my cold, dead ass. Hi, I'm Rob Theo from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and click here to leave a detailed message. Uh huh. You did. I'd have did the same thing. |
dropout | finding_trump_the_perfect_judge | Donald Trump hates his judge. His name is Gonzalo Curiel. He's worried that Judge Gonzalo Curiel can't be impartial because he has Mexican heritage and Trump loves insulting Mexicans.
They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists. Well look, justice is important and everyone deserves to feel like they're getting a fair trial. Now there are 16 other judges in California's southern district where the trial is going to be held.
Certainly Donald Trump hasn't insulted all of them, right? Take Judge Marilyn Huff. Trump hasn't said anything that might bias this woman against him.
You know what? The women get it better than we do, folks. Yeah, I mean, sure, that's... sure, well, knock her out, that's bad. But what about Judge Cynthia Bichon, who was appointed... I may not look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers. Blood coming out of her wherever. She got slunged. Okay, well, look, let's probably just go ahead and lose all the women. That's all right.
There are still a lot of judges left. We'll count out Judge Roger T. Benitez, because he's also Latino. And Judge John Huston is black. And Judge Dana Makoto Sabra's mother was born in Japan, so...
Negotiating with... with Japan. They say we want deal.
Still though, that's almost half the judges that Donald Trump hasn't insulted outright. We're going to find him someone impartial. It won't be Judge Anthony Bataglia, because he was appointed by President Obama, so you know Trump can't trust him. Barack Obama has been the worst president ever. And Judges Jeffrey Miller, Thomas Wellen, M. James Lawrence, and Barry Moskowitz were appointed by President Clinton, and Trump and Clinton. What Clinton's done.
Roping and fondling and touching against a woman's will. And rape.
So, that leaves us with Judge William Hayes, Judge Michael Anello, Judge Larry Allen Burns, and Judge William Brenner Enright. Have you ever heard a list of names that sound so Judge-like in your life? We will find one in here. Look at Judge Hayes. He's best known for presiding over Bosley Medical Institute v. Kremmer. Bosley. The... hair-plug people.
Not Trump's man. What about Judge Anello? He was in the Marines. Donald in the military. Not Trump's man.
Now, here's Judge Burns. He's a social conservative who was first appointed by President Bush. This could be great for Trump. His most famous verdict was ruling that the Mount Soledad War Memorial Cross in San Diego had to come down. Though I suppose Trump's bread and butter is putting up garish eyesores. Okay. That leaves us with just one judge. William Brenner Enright. Let's see. He was appointed in 1972 by Richard Nixon, a paranoid egomaniac. Which might actually be great for Trump.
He's the namesake for the William Enright American Inn of Court. Inn of Court. Trump's in the hotel business.
That's good. He was born in New York City. Trump's a New York City guy. Donald, we found your man. You want William Brenner Enright.
Unless it turns out he likes Diet Coke. Or corn. Or Kristen Stewart. Or newspapers. Or other judges.
His name is Gonzalo Curio. Dude, I'm doing my best here. Also, apparently it can't be a Muslim. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | museum_of_hip_hop_panel_snl | Yes, indeed. Super producer, author, and the co-founder of Def Jam Records, Rick Rubin. intellectual civil rights icon, and political activist, the honorable Dr. Cornel West. Yes, and blessings of prosperity unto you, Sister Nunya. And finally, his group, Zan Ma, broke the record for most streams, making him technically the most successful hip-hop artist of all time. It's Smoke Chatter, the ass-sketter. back in his bitch man, sir. Thank you, thank you all.
Well, after 50 years, a lot has changed, but hip-hop is still here. Why do you think that is? Well, because hip-hop is more than music. you know, we spend our pain into poetry. yeah, yeah, and that energy resonates with people all over the world. Yes, and moreover, it's precious history empowers the people to express, invest, and progress to a better tomorrow. yeah, me, I don't know, man.
I guess I'm just like chilling, you know what I'm saying? Okay, first of all, I'm gonna need to see your face, young man, you're in a museum, So. Oh yeah, my bad, miss. So like, when they discovered hip-hop, what, like 2014? what? no, 50 years ago, that's why we're all here. All right, yeah, because to me, like, if it's slap, like, yeah, the Opps gonna slide, but the ends be popping regardless, you feel me? I don't know what any of that means. Yes, expound on that, please, brother, to Smoke-trap. So like, peep, right? I do mukbangs, right? I eat noodles on stream, and like, my Dms be all cheese. I'm talking blah, blah, blah. I'm like, sheesh. Okay, I don't know what that had to do with anything. I think my friend here is speaking to the flexibility of the genre. rap is not a model, is. exactly, like, anyone can tap into that joy or that trauma.
I feel that, I mean, my dad made me get braces. I want to invisalign, you know what I'm saying? life crazy. wait, I'm sorry, are you saying that was traumatic for you?
Hell yeah, plus my boy guap. my boy guap, man, I miss him so much, man. Oh my goodness Gracious, what happened to Brother Guap-lord? he was fundraising for the homie, Mayor Eric Adams. yeah, you gotta lay low in turkey for a minute. Okay, well, it wouldn't be a hip-hop discussion without goat talk. Rick, you've worked with everybody. who do you think is the greatest rapper of all time? Wow, so many options, Ll, Jay-z, Andre 3000. Tupac, Rakim.
I'll say me, Jason Derulo. I like Dixie D'amelio. and what she call, I like that insurance girl. insurance girl? Brother Smokchata, to whom are you referring? You know that thing I like where she go, Nationwide is on your side, man. that slap, bro, I be rapping out there, that Nationwide is on your side, you know what I'm saying? that's fire right there, man. Okay, yeah, so for you, it's the Nationwide jingle. Personally, I love Biggie. and we can all agree that he's a man, right?
I don't even know who that is. You don't know Biggie Smalls. I don't know who none of y'all is. except him. me? yeah, you was in the Matrix Revolutions.
Why, yes, I was. Boom, that's the goat right there, man. excuse me, I'm sorry. No disrespect to Dr. West, but Biggie was a kid from bed-stuy who sold 20 million records. So he a flop. No, you're not gonna watch yourself, brother. What, I'm just saying.
My new solo joint did a trillion streams in two days on soundclouds. T-t-t-t-t-t-trillion!
Yeah, it's a smart one, too. it's actually a critique of capitalism. I think you mean capitalism. Yeah, capitalism, everybody capping all the time, right?
I like it. it's my new joint, it's called cling, cling, cling. you know what I'm saying? bust it. cling, cling, cling. Man, you capping. Oh, ah, cling, cling, cling, cling, cling. Oh, you capping. drip, splash, water, drip, splash, splash, drip, water, splash, splash, drip, water. no, no, no, no, you see? spank your kids, everybody. Thank you, Hip-hop, for 50 years. here's to 50 more.
Hey, mom, can you call an Uber?
I don't like the Bronx at all.
I'm sorry. |
dropout | hardly_working_body_swap | So I wake up completely naked, on my left, my high school crush, on my right, my old bio teacher, and on top, blankets, because it was cold. Oh my god, Pat, your life is amazing. My wife would never let me sing with blankets. Dude, are you kidding me?
Being married would be great. You get to hang out with your best friend all the time. Man, I would kill to be you.
Alright, you want to write this script? Yeah. Do you want to plug in this computer together? Sure, that's normal.
Oh my god, Pat, we swap bodies like in the movies. No we didn't. Oh man, this is so weird.
Your arms are so skinny. Those are your arms. You're right. Sorry. They're my arms now.
You're not in my body. I'm in my body.
Look. Oh man, I look so different through your eyes. I look like you look through my eyes.
That's because I'm me. We didn't swap bodies. Okay, listen up, Pat, alright? If you're going to be in my body, you got to start acting like me, okay, and I am not that cynical. Now come on, let's go have some fun. Hey Sarah, it's me, Pat. Why are you winking at me?
Oh, uh, sorry. Okay, what? What is this?
Uh, I just wanted to let you know that I am not married, so if you want to ever have some fun, give me, Pat, a call. David, you are married. I know your wife. Uh, hey married man over here, David, I think she's talking to you because I am not married.
I sleep with blankets.
Come on, let's go have some fun. David, you can't just steal office supplies. You're right. I can't, but you can. That doesn't make sense. All's I'm saying is if someone comes into this office supply closet, they ain't going to see David stealing office supplies, they're going to see you Pat stealing office supplies.
Hey Pat. Hey.
Now let's go have a little bit of fun. He's not winking at everyone, please. So David, do you have any new ideas for us this week? Uh, I don't know, David. Do you? I'm so nice to have bodies. Okay, any new ideas? Uh, sorry, can you give me and Pat, uh, David, a second? Okay.
Pat, you are making me look like an idiot out there. You're making yourself look like an idiot.
Well, yourself is yourself, so by yourself, you mean you and me and not me, myself and you. Then I, you, agree with you, me.
What? I don't know, man. I can't do this anymore.
I'm not realizing I miss being married. I miss my wife. I just want to go back to the way things were.
Pat. Sure. Let's plug it in. I'm me again!
Sorry about that, everyone. Boss, I, David, have no new ideas. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go email my wife. You're fired. Completely understandable. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jafar_on_ron_desantis_attacks_on_disney_snl | This week, Governor Ron Desantis ramped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World's District. here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar. So, this is the famous Rockefeller Palace. Okay, so, Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron Desantis?
You mean, the boy? Well, Michael, as far as villains go, the boy's an amateur. he has no Riz, no spark, no drip. the look is giving baby Mayor. I mean, he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let's be honest, they wore him. Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying Desantis isn't bad enough? Not at all. Don't get me wrong. the boy is plenty evil.
I mean, banning Rosa Parks in schools. I'm a dark sorcerer, and even I was like, jesus, dude, it's Rosa Parks. Yeah, now he's coming for Disney after their stance against his don't-say-gay bill. ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! If the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. know what I mean?
No, I really don't. I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street, Usa, your phone explodes. Never go elsewhere in the park. it's nothing but 40-year-old men with braces.
I don't know what that is, but it ain't straight. Oh, are you saying that you're. a little light in the loafers? did my John Waters stash not tip you off? Of course I'm gay, you petulant fool. my waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yoked genie with gorgeous nails and a high-micropony. But, yeah, Michael, I love Cooch. yeah, I got it.
Well. it seems like Desantis doesn't even want anything totally gay happening at Disney World at all. Ugh, there's already a gay. there's already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. it's called Six Flags. there are lots of it. As a Disney, Michael, Ursula is a lesbian, Scar is Bi, and Mulan just got top surgery, congrats to them. Now, if I may, I'd like to address the boy, Desantis. Well, if it isn't the Swamp Rat, rather for attempting to seize our precious land, we're going to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. you pitiful straight, you can try to stop us, boy, but we will outsmart you at every turn. Don't say gay. Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney. and everyone loves Disney, including you, cos your dumb ass got married there. and that's the gayest thing you can do. So, I'm sorry, Miss Desantis, gay shall stay, and you shall shea away.
Laughter. Oh, yes, your earring, it intrigues me. No, no, no, Jafar, everybody. The wedding was at the Grand Floridian, It was gorgeous. it was a gorgeous wedding. she had a gorgeous wedding. |
SaturdayNightLive | fancam_assembly_snl | Okay, students, it's St. Lawrence High School. welcome to your assembly about student technology use. Yes, sir! settle down, All right. here to give the presentation, Please welcome your favorite teacher, Mr. Bet. Thank you. I think. Okay, let's start. First Rule.
Do Not access inappropriate content online. And Do Not bully on social media.
Come on, girl, eat it up!
Thank you. I think. And here's a new rule.
As of today, Do Not Make fan cams of school staff such as this. Oh, Skinny Legend, why are you doing this? Because you have made Thousands of fan cams of me, And I'm not sure what they mean, but I know it has to stop.
But we make them as in a chokehold! Okay, don't say that. I just don't understand. Why do you make sparkly, fast, romantic montages of me every single day, like this? I mean, we don't make them every day. yeah, just on the days you send us or give us life. But what does that mean? don't worry, it just means your foot is always on our necks.
See? is that. Is that me right now? How did you make that so fast, And how did you take over access to the monitor?
Mr. Ben, why are you so mad you're in your assembly era? I'm not mad, I'm confused. is the way I ate this up a compliment because I was nom-nom delish and had you gagged? Exactly! We love you down, Mr. Ben! you're so father, Period!
Okay, see, but if. If fan cams are. if fam. if. Okay.
If fam cams are because I'm father, then why did you make fan cams of Lady Lunch Paulina? Because Paulina is mother! kids aren't fooling too much! Go Up! Wrong! Hey, guys, I'm trying to understand if fan cams are good or bad. Did you make a fan cam of lunch Lady Paulina to make fun of her? No, we made it because she ate us up and left no crumbs. left no crumbs? Okay, that's it. fan cams are officially banned from school. No!
Wow, Mr. Ben, we thought you were different, but you're just like everyone else. mid. I'm sorry, I. I want to be a cool teacher. I know I'm your bias and that I always munch on you. but I just. don't get it.
What. Why does your generation have to make A. A. everyone a celebrity? Why do you film everything? Why? Fine. you really want to know? it's because Covid. What? What do you mean?
Because three years, Covid made us online forever. because Covid locked us down while we were 11, and now we're 14, So now we have to make you Daddy. Mommy works remotely all day and doesn't have time to eat it up. No crumbs left, So we made you Daddy and Miss Jenny mommy.
What? Why is Miss Jenny mommy? Guys, we've told you there is nothing going on between me and Mr. Ben. Oh, really? then explain this.
Honey, they've been through so much. let's just tell them the truth. Miss Jenny and I, we're in love. Fine, it's true. he's daddy, I'm mommy, and we're all a half. no crumbs left.
Do Not access inappropriate content online. And Do Not bully on social media.
Come on, girl, eat it up!
Thank you. I think. And here's a new rule.
As of today, Do Not make fan cams of school staff such as this. Oh, Skinny Legend, why are you doing this? Because you have made thousands of fan cams of me, And I'm not sure what they mean, but I know it has to stop.
But we made it in a choke hole. Okay, don't say that. I just don't understand.
Why do you make sparkly, fast, romantic montages of me every single day? Like this. I mean, we don't make them every day. yeah, just on the days you send us, or give us life. But what does that mean? don't worry, it just means your foot is always on our necks.
See? is that. Is that me right now? How did you make that so fast, and how did you take over access to the monitor? Mr. Ben, why are you so mad you're in your assembly era? I'm not mad, I'm confused.
Is the way I ate this up a compliment because it was nom nom delish and had you gagged? Exactly, we love you down, Mr. Ben. you're so father, period.
Okay, see, but if fan cams are. if fam. if. Okay. If fam cams are because I'm father, then why did you make fan cams of Lady Lunch Paulina? Because Paulina is mother. kids aren't fooling too much. Grow up! Wrong! Guys, I'm trying to understand if fan cams are good or bad. Did you make a fan cam of lunch Lady Paulina to make fun of her? No, we made it because she ate us up and left. no crumbs. left no crumbs? Okay, that's it. fan cams are officially banned from school. No!
Wow, Mr. Ben, we thought you were different, but you're just like everyone else, mid. I'm sorry, I want to be a cool teacher. I know I'm your bias and that I always munch on it. but I just don't get it.
Why does your generation have to make everyone a celebrity? Why do you film everything?
Why? Fine. you really want to know? it's because Covid. What? what do you mean? Because three years, Covid made us online forever. because Covid locked us down when we were 11. and now we're 14, So now we have to make you Daddy. mommy works remotely all day and doesn't have time to eat it up. No crumbs left, So we made you Daddy and Miss Jenny, Mommy. What? Why is Miss Jenny, Mommy? Guys, we've told you there is nothing going on between me and Mr. Ben. Oh, really? then explain this.
Honey, they've been through so much. let's just tell them the truth. Miss Jenny and I, we're in love. Fine. it's true. he's Daddy. I'm Mommy, and we're all out. no crumbs left. |
dropout | if_people_asked_for_raises_in_relationships | Can I have a word with you? Yes, no, of course. Come in, come in, come in. What's on your mind?
I want a raise. In our relationship. I no longer want a freelance hangout. I want a permanent, full-time position. You know, although your hard work has not gone unnoticed, you've only been in this relationship for four months, is that right? Yes, that's correct. Don't you think that's a little bit soon to be asking for a raise? Yes, I see where you're coming from, but I've got tons of experience and numerous glowing references.
Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know that I'll have the cat litter cleaned by 5 p.m. Right, just as long as it's done by close of business today.
Ugh, roommates, am I right? I've gone above and beyond. I nailed that big meeting with your friends and I helped cut costs by installing that energy-efficient air conditioner.
You know, I'm already doing the job just without the title. This isn't about your work, okay?
This is why we brought you on in the first place. All right, pal? Let's just revisit this again next quarter, hmm? You know, I have other offers. I'm being heavily recruited right now. Okay, fine, you called my bluff.
Truthfully, I'm very happy here. I just need to know there's some room for upward mobility. I could see myself committing long-term. Sorry to interrupt again, I just wanted to let you know that the dishwasher has been run and emptied. Proactive, I love it.
I want the corner dresser to keep my supplies in and I want the relationship to go public online. I can offer you the smaller dresser in the guest room and I will agree to change my relationship status online but I won't be changing my profile picture to reflect the merger at this juncture.
Deal? Deal. Great.
Hi, yes, Mark. No, thank you so much for your application but unfortunately the position has been filled by an internal candidate. Oh, I've also been fucking someone named Mark. |
TheOnion | Anti_Cyberbullying_Campaign_Encourages_Kids_To_Do_It_In_Person_The_Topical_Episode_18 | Today, a new campaign against cyberbullying is encouraging kids to get out there and do it in person. It's the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers, but will it work?
And in news that might be very relevant to most of our audience, a new study says that listening to podcasts causes irreversible deafness in 95% of people. And that number could be on the rise. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. If it happened, and it's not covered on this news podcast, did it even really happen? Probably not.
The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. Last year, my memory was wiped after a terrible accident, but using my transaction history between my friends and my bank on Cash App, I was able to slowly piece my life back together and remember that I'm an OPR reporter. Still not sure what my name used to be, though. So download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical. It might just help you out.
Cyberbullying has been on the rise in America for years now. Recent studies show that nearly one in three students between 12 and 18 have been the victim of internet harassment. With those numbers steadily increasing each year, it's a disturbing trend. The organization Parents Against Online Defamation is the latest group to try to address this epidemic. This week, they've launched a brand new campaign that aims to cut down on internet abuse by encouraging kids to get out there and do it in real life, face to face.
OPR correspondent Jenna Resnick has been covering this story, and she joins us now in the studio. Hi, Jenna. Good morning, Leslie. So what can you tell us about this new effort, and do experts think it'll work?
Well, the idea that if more kids are out there bullying each other in person, or IRL as they say, that could cut down on online harassment incidents across the board. Interestingly, as cyberbullying is on the rise, bullying overall has remained consistent, and in some cases, even decreased. But these activists say that if you increase overall bullying and focus it on traditional physical altercations and verbal taunts, you could decrease the online harassment statistics.
As for whether it will work, that remains to be seen, but this group is optimistic. So how is this campaign working?
What is Parents Against Online Defamation doing to encourage bullying in the flesh? Well, just yesterday, they put out this video, a sort of PSA, with a number of parents articulating the group's message. Enough is enough. It's time to stop cyberbullying in all of its forms. Tell your kids to put down their screens and put up their fists. We want teenagers to stretch their legs, get outdoors, and physically harass each other out in the here and now.
Offline. Tangible. Real. Not online.
If they're berating their younger siblings' physical appearance to their face, that's time spent not berating a classmate's appearance online. Pretty effective ad. A lot of teachers say that cyberbullying is their number one concern these days, and I'm sure many of the parents listening agree. What should they know about the campaign? Well, the PAOD is stressing that it's all about creating opportunities for your kids to make each other's lives miserable in person, calling up other parents, setting up bullying dates, feeding them some solid burns about the other kid. And there are a few schools that have implemented entire class periods where there are no electronics allowed, and it's just full-on, no-holds-barred, student-on-student psychological torture. Is the school seeing a decrease in cyberbullying?
Too early to say. So in addition to these television and radio spots, you also attended a Parents Against Online Defamation event, is that right? I did.
Last week, they organized their first face-to-face meet-up, which was a huge success. It's a great way for kids to get some practice bullying face-to-face, no Twitter or Instagram in sight, but it's also a great way for the adults to learn how they can be most supportive.
This is what one parent had to say. Both my wife and I learned new techniques to help support the healthy development of our son. From now on, we're going to have a no-phones-during-dinner policy, so Kyle can watch and then mimic us verbally abuse each other. We didn't realize that could be so beneficial. PAOD recommends implementing small put-downs into your daily routine while slowly working your way up to constant physical abuse.
For example, Leslie, why are you such a bitch? Oh, wait, what? I said, why are you such a little bitch?
Ow! Why do you I could have texted that to you, but instead, I'm saying it to your face, you little idiot bitch. Ow! Jenna, stop! I O.P.R.'s Jenna Resnick. I Ow!
A potentially game-changing study published yesterday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, found that listening to podcasts causes irreversible hearing loss in 95% of users. Virtually all of the study's 200 participants reported that after two weeks of regular podcast listening, they had gone completely and permanently deaf. The study indicated that the podcast-induced hearing loss often began with an inability to make out tones of a higher register, followed by a ringing sound associated with tinnitus, and ultimately a stop to all auditory functioning whatsoever.
Wow, pretty interesting stuff. To help us make sense of this data, I'm joined by the lead researcher in this groundbreaking study, Dr. Patricia Dubois. Dr. Dubois, thank you so much for joining us today.
Mm-hmm. Of course. How exactly did this study come together? Mm-hmm.
Fascinating.
Now, according to your research, even a few minutes of exposure to podcasts shatters the cochlea of an average person. Obviously, I'm personally in the podcast industry, so I feel a bit of responsibility to my audience here. Is there anything podcast fans can do to mitigate the effects?
So it sounds like what you're saying is that even if you can still hear podcasts, that doesn't necessarily mean you're in the 5% that's unaffected. Could just mean it's taken you slightly longer to go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. There's one thing you tell listeners. What would it be?
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll be sure to steer clear of that then. Mm-hmm.
Good advice. Now, I was particularly curious in this study. You indicated that every form of podcast, news, sports, opinion, hints trauma to the inner ear, but is there- Mm-hmm.
Oh, wow. And finally, I'm sure our subscribers would want me to ask.
Mm-hmm. Any chance of recovery ones? Mm-hmm.
You're very welcome. It's been a real pleasure getting to speak to you today. Let's listen. |
cracked | after_hours_awkward_scenes_that_must_have_happened_in_marvel_movies_captain_america_the_hulk | Holy shit. I know holy Thank you I mean you've been trying to get us to cover this topic for a while and I had my doubts But you beautiful wet son of a bitch you did it finally an airtight theory that indisputably proves that all the Coen brothers movies Take place in the same universe and they're all based on different Shakespeare plays and the way you sold the theory I mean like literally the things that you said so cleverly Delivered it was like watching a Coen brothers. Now. You're just blowing smoke I don't think anyone here is gonna refute any of your points. Yeah, I mean checks paid, shall we?
Yo, who told Captain America about the Holocaust not me. I was with you guys the whole time him might have slipped out What are you talking about in 1942? Captain America wiped out the red skull and um, what's a compendium for Nazis? Ah Load. Oh, thank you a load of Nazis then he's frozen and brought back to present day He's obviously been spending some time getting caught up on culture because we see he's got that list in winter soldier I'll put it on the list If he's moving on to Marvin Gaye and Steve Jobs, he's probably all caught up on world culture stuff, right? Well, he's thinking he heroically sacrificed himself taking out the biggest evil in the world in 1942 And now someone has to sit him down and be like, yeah, that's great And all but the Holocaust sort of kept going through 1945 turns out men can still be monsters even without the Red Skull's power and monster face And I don't I don't know. It's an interesting and awkward conversation that must have happened at some point Must it have though because nobody's straightening out caps priorities. Okay, he's got disco Thai food and rocky and the Berlin Wall and the moon landing on his list of things to check out Okay, let's not assume that he has caught up on anything Fun fact that list is different depending on where the movies released So like England the Berlin Wall is the Beatles and Australia Steve Irwin. That fact was not fun at all new fact, please Also, can we get mozzarella sticks for the table? Thank you I'm just saying either someone had to tell Captain America his big heroic sacrifice didn't wind up ending the war and No one stepped up in his place for a while or someone still has to tell him what a demoralizing conversation That must have been or must will be that's nothing Imagine going through puberty in outer space with Yondu's gang from Guardians of the Galaxy That shit happened to Starler.
Okay, he got Kidnapped when he was a kid and then spent the rest of his life with Yondu's gross band of thieves Okay, puberty and learning sex education is hard and uncomfortable enough for all of us and we learned it the official way in public school Oh, not me. I was raised on a boat So I learned from my parents out at sea, although I didn't really need to be taught exactly Boats are small. So there's not a lot of room for Secrets or privacy on a boat you grow up real fast on the sea Yarr Okay, but for those of us who are not boat schooled we had to learn the awful old-fashioned way You know in school from a gym teacher while chaotically horny for the first time and embarrassed to be alive.
There's an order to my horniness Before it can I live I will fit but then I do want it Okay, so Star Lord would have to get over a his mother dying in front of him B haven't been abducted and C realizing that monsters and aliens actually do exist and then he would have to have a conversation about his changing body with a bunch of Aliens all of whom kidnapped him some of whom wanted to eat him I mean what with that conversation even be like they are a bunch of aliens with presumably different General situations. Okay, he would be like, oh, no mate My wiener is getting long and and harder for the first time ever and then and then an alien would be like that's weird Cuz mine turns into a bunch of snakes when I'm horny Probably why he's open to sex with lots of aliens, right? Cuz Peter quilt. Okay, we know this look I'm gonna be totally honest with you. I forgot you're here But his sex ed must have been a nightmare sex ed doesn't teach you how to fuck though It just teaches you that we shot gun was human, right? He could tell Peter about boners. That's what I'm saying Not a lot of great options.
Mmm speaking of sex Tony Stark Definitely gonna camp man thousand percent. I mean, we don't know that thousand percent It's so hard for me to believe that she's someone's aunt Yeah, well become in all shapes and sizes, you know, I agree probably he will but like in the context of this conversation We don't know for sure that that's an awkward moment that will definitely happen based off of things We've seen the movies for this conversation and that's disqualified, but I want to imagine it I don't like the rules kind of seems like you do fine Something about hulk maybe the hulk let me get there damn scientist green big banner big banner Big boner got there. We've talked more about boners and we usually do today Yeah, and it's still early Anyway, even though they switched Hulk actors between The Incredible Hulk in the first Avengers movie William Hurt is still around as General Thunderbolt Ross in both movies and Tony Stark appears in the after credits Hulk scene So we know that everything that happened in The Incredible Hulk is still canon with the current Marvel Cinematic Universe So the fact that Hulk used to be boring is canon Yeah But more importantly in addition to it being a bad movie it also features a scene where human form hulk is about to get busy with his lady friend But his heart rate watch starts going crazy and he realizes if he gets too excited he might Hulk out and Nobody wants to speak for yourself boat crude I just mean that the Hulk has not had sex since he became the Hulk never smash Hulk never smash so sad I mean when he was like a nerdy little kid of super into science No one was throwing it at him and now he's a superhero and he still can't get late. I adore you Oh My god, has he even had sex? Wait, has Captain America had sex? Oh, how many virgins are on the Avengers just like ballpark? Thor f**ks he does and I want to get into that but I think carbon might be onto something with her virgins Come on. They're not like you're making it sound like I'm starting a cult Steve Rogers went from not enough to super buff But then he was frozen for decades and then he started doing Avengers stuff immediately And then he had that weird kiss with Sharon Carter where there's no chemistry whatsoever Spider-man's a teenager and can barely even talk to girls The Hulk can't get horned up and the vision is brand new. No one even knows what's down there It's just black widow war machine Falcon Thor and start getting it done for the whole team Hawkeye Yeah, but who cares care there It is the most awkward stuff to happen in the MCU is a bunch of superheroes sitting around a table talking about sex Except that they're all Steve Carell from the 40 year old Virgin Yeah, I got a dip but do you guys want to come back and talk for pop culture? I mean, there's a lot of stuff that we haven't even touched on you. How can black widow be a famous spy?
And if we as America can lend our military to our allies. Can we also lend them to our superheroes?
No, no, I get it man Honestly, I think I'm just as mad as you Dude couldn't possibly be Anton sugar's cousin. Well, like a thousand reasons And how can Donnie also be Carl from Fargo if Donnie is dead Donnie isn't dead. What if my theory? I don't know. Can't we go back to before where we weren't questioning me and because I was great No, Daniel look around you.
We are in a thing. This is us in a thing Thank you fine We'll dig into this. Yeah, of course we will. That's what we do. We will never stop.
Of course I mean, I don't think anyone has to worry that we this specific group of people will ever Not ever again get together and discuss pop culture. Yeah, I mean who would be worried about that whose fears are you addressing personally? I Would like to see some different people bring a fresh perspective to pop culture people whose experiences are different than mine even if i'm not involved in the Thing at all.
Sure. Yeah. No, but I mean we Still us four will get together and discuss pop culture in the future. Yeah. I mean I can't imagine not Regularly meeting with you three people to deconstruct movies and tv shows here at this diner forever. Yes. Yeah.
Yes Yeah, yeah Good that should Ease anyone's fear of us retiring or quitting this show or whatever. They were worried about that.
Now you say show Hey everybody. Thanks for watching that brand episode of after hours Click to see to subscribe and click other stuff for other things to happen We're going to be doing another episode of after hours every month so that you get two don't be mad That is new and different. It's also new and more Yeah |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_What_Is_Bogancore_Dan_Andrews_Resigns_To_Spend_More_Time_With_Family_Bill_Gat_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin you've got myself Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman and there's a lot going on in the news. Yes there is, lots of sports going on this weekend too. Unfortunately that's just the world we live in Effie Bateman, you know, sport rules, jocks rule and arts alone. I take it you'll be watching all the games this weekend?
I take it you will be too because you've seen what Reece Walsh and Paddy Carrigan looks like. Yes I didn't know that the Broncos were so good looking. It's just a thing, Queenslanders in general really. Just good looking people. Of course we're going to have Gold Coast boys like Reece Walsh and Brisbane boys like Paddy Carrigan and of course Charleville boys like Kurt Capewell. It's just built different. Couple of New South Wales players in there as well but they're the less attractive ones. What about you?
I've been getting into The Walking Dead. I'm watching it for the first time and I think I've got a pretty boring one actually.
I'm thinking about buying a record player. That's a bit of fun. Yeah so I know now that I'm definitely turning 30. Yeah I mean record players aren't necessarily, they're kind of a bygone era so they're not really indicative of your age, just more your interests and are you kind of moving on from the bottomless champagne brunches to a cup of tea. No I'm not that far gone. 30's the best year.
But if you do want to see some Walking Dead you should head down to the main street at around 10pm on Sunday night and you'll see a bunch of blokes either heartbroken or elated for a sporting match that has been played by people they've never met and weirdly personally invested in. Well I hope they're as good looking as the Broncos. They won't be. What have we got up first?
Well starting off, what is Bogancore? The unique Australian aesthetic that has taken the world by storm. Yes Bogancore is popping off on TikTok, Instagram, Pinterest, all those websites that people look at to look at pretty things. There's a few different I guess elements to Bogancore, perhaps you live amongst this aesthetic, perhaps you've seen it from afar, perhaps you didn't even know it had a name.
Well it does. The final list of Bogancore staples is the Lazy Boy Recliner. Yes so this one will usually only be used by the dad, this is the dad chair. Head of the household.
Up next on the list of Bogancore staples, Pixelated Wedding Photo Canvas. Yes so this one is usually hung above the lounge or right near the entry point of the house and it's a wedding photo that's been blown up on a Kmart canvas and this is the creme de la creme of Bogancore. So if possible it should also be paired with a barefoot family photo shoot on the beach. The second marriage barefoot family photo shoot on the beach. Yes and that's the one where in the first marriage she could never convince her husband to do the photo shoot so she goes and gets the second one to do it. And all the kids who are now obviously teenagers at this point and wearing the same clothes their dad is.
It's good stuff. Up next we have the Staffy. Yes the humble Staffy makes the perfect Bogan family pet however if you're not keen on Staffy's you can complete the look by adopting a Rottie, Husky or Bull Arab which you must give a tough masculine name like Glock or Tank and it should have massive balls as well.
It is important it cannot be desexed. Absolutely not.
It must be rooting everything in sight. Up next we have the expensive home cinema system this is a must and has been since the earliest days of the mining boom. Yes so Bogans they do not fuck around when it comes to the home entertainment or to tech so expect to fork out a few thousand for a good quality plasma TV and surround sound system must be combined with an extensive DVD collection despite subscribing to multiple streaming platforms. DVDs that you know mean a lot to you the DVD is a testament and a Blu-ray.
Jim Jefferies. Jim Jefferies Fast and the Furious.
Oh absolutely bit of Adam Sandler as well. Yep absolutely.
Up next we have the session table the sesh table. Yep and just like all mean girls and nurses but not all nurses and mean girls you can own a sesh table without being a Bogan but all Bogans own a sesh table. Absolutely please send in your favorite Bogan core items I think I've got all of them in my house and I'm very proud of it. What's up next?
Probably the biggest story of this week Dan Andrews has resigned to spend more time with family Bill Gates and the Chinese government. Yes Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has sensationally resigned this week ending a decades long career in the public service of Australia's weirdest people. Speaking to the media today in Melbourne Mr Andrews said he was beginning to think about a life after politics he said I want to spend more time at home watching the kids grow up and being more present that's what I want to do he said. Obviously I'll always be spending time with my close personal friend Bill Gates we're actually going around Kingston Heath on the weekend. We're also thinking about doing Cape Wickham in the barn boogal next week. And big old chur chur to my friends in the Chinese government party wagwan my brothers ni hao ma. Now look without the help of the Chinese government again we don't know where we'd be as a state the pandemic was the toughest part of my political life and we really were building the plane as we were flying it. So without my close personal friend Bill Gates and my brother from another mother Xi Jinping I think we'd be just a fancy high tech version of Tasmania, Victoria that is not Melbourne. Up next some Queensland news as Brisbane Lions fan bonds with Broncos fan about how the rest of Australia can suck their dicks. Yes local bloke Ambrose Jennings 44 is a modern man he works on a computer at home he lives in one of those Brisbane suburbs with really old trees in the main street sometimes in the winter they even put fairy lights on these trees.
He prefers drinking non dairy for no reason other than the fact that he enjoys laying cable with a bit of fibre in it. He also drinks red wine without ice cubes in it.
Obviously with refined tastes like this Ambrose is a Brisbane Lions supporter and makes up a niche community of Queensland AFL fans that began watching the Victorian game when they realised that their kids could play a sport that didn't actively encourage concussing opponents in under 12s. With a neighbourhood made up of resin jewellery arts collectors and highbrow homosexuals Ambrose has no one in his immediate vicinity to share his new found hooliganism with. That was until he saw a man in the bottle shop this afternoon with a Brisbane Broncos tattoo. It doesn't happen very often but Ambrose extended his hand in solidarity with the shy rugby league fan and bonded with him over their shared excitement about both Brisbane teams making their respective grand finals. You a fan said Ambrose to the sceptical NRL fan who took a long hard look at Ambrose's paddy cap. Lions fan hears said Ambrose but its great to be from Brisbane this weekend. Fucking oaf said the NRL fan with a spiky mohawk mullet. Up the lions. Ambrose smiles and shakes the mans hand.
They must be so filthy down south. They can suck our dicks.
Lastly some entertainment news and Narcos season 4 to be set in a suburban Australian tobacconist. Yes traditionally set in the 1980s Colombia or following violent Mexican cartel wars the creators of the hit TV show Narcos have decided to take the show to suburban Australia for season 4. One producer said, Some critics say the move to Australia could make for a dull storyline but the show was confident that it can keep the same dangerous energy that previous seasons had.
He works on a computer at home. He lives in one of those Brisbane suburbs with really old trees in the main street. Sometimes in the winter they even put fairy lights on these trees.
He prefers drinking non dairy for no reason other than the fact that he enjoys laying cable with a bit of fibre in it. He also drinks red wine without ice cubes in it.
Obviously with refined tastes like this Ambrose is a Brisbane Lions supporter and makes up a niche community of Queensland AFL fans that began watching the Victorian game when they realised that their kids could play a sport that didn't actively encourage concussing opponents in under 12s. With a neighbourhood made up of resin jewellery arts collectors and highbrow homosexuals Ambrose has no one in his immediate vicinity to share his newfound hooliganism with. That was until he saw a man in the bottle shop this afternoon with a Brisbane Broncos tattoo. It doesn't happen very often but Ambrose extended his hand in solidarity with the shy rugby league fan and bonded with him over their shared excitement about both Brisbane teams making their respective grand finals. You a fan? said Ambrose to the sceptical NRL fan who took a long hard look at Ambrose's paddy cap. Lions fan here said Ambrose but it's great to be from Brisbane this weekend. Fucking oaf said the NRL fan with a spiky mohawk mullet. Up the lions. Ambrose smiles and shakes the man's hand.
They must be so filthy down south. They can suck our dicks.
Lastly some entertainment news and Narcos season 4 to be set in a suburban Australian tobacconist. Yes traditionally set in the 1980s Colombia or following violent Mexican cartel wars the creators of the hit TV show Narcos have decided to take the show to suburban Australia for season 4. One producer said, Some critics say the move to Australia could make for a dull storyline but the show is confident that it can keep the same dangerous energy that previous seasons had.
Have you ever seen a vape addict that hasn't been able to have a hit for a day?
It's worse than anything we've seen in previous seasons. We are really pushing the envelope with season 4.
That reminds me when was it Ozark to escape drug people they decided to go to the Gold Coast? Yes that was very funny. The Gold Coast is the safest place we can be. It's pretty similar to Ozark. |
dropout | a_poison_ivy_accident | Now, a big homecoming dance is tomorrow, but when you're running a cold campaign, you have to ask yourselves, how do I make this out me? So we're giving away corsages. Um, that was mama's idea, you little thunder thief, shit, when you have your own beams, you can spill them. Or we're going to take that again, we're going back to one. Alright, ready? Three, two, one. And we're giving away corsages, my idea. Excuse me, could I get a thousand corsages to go?
Not for here. You'll have to pre-order those. They'll take about one to two weeks for delivery. One to two weeks? We don't got that kind of talk. What do I look like, a clock? We could rush order them? Yeah, rush, good.
That'll be $52,000. Uh-huh, okay, there's no way you could like round down for like $100.
I'm trying to be better about my finances, because one day I'm going to be 18, and then she's going to leave, and I'm going to get a monster truck. Mama, can I get a monster truck? Baby, you got to pay for college.
So anyway, money don't grow on trees, but roses does, so Mama going DIY. Do it, myself. Okay, pum, so say here on Pinterest, step one, we got to find some flowers. So, um, this is all grass, and, uh, that there's a tree, so, uh, huh. Mama, there ain't no flowers nowhere. Well, that's okay, baby. Oh, hey, look.
These leaves are real shiny. So we pulled up all them shiny leaves and took them inside. Step two, attach stems to wristband using glue gun.
Okay, well, brace yourself, baby, I'm probably going to fuck this up. Mama, it burned. I didn't even start it yet. No, them leaves. I mean, it's actually burning me too. What in the sales clothes are going on here? As it turns out, I am allergic to corsages, and it must run into blood, because Plum, she got it twice as worst. But we powered through, right? That's right, our skin ain't no pussy.
Are these made out of poison ivy? Yes, thank you. I learned I'm dangerous. So we done poisoned over the whole school.
Mm-hmm, that's right, baby, to find out what happens next, you got to sign up for Dropout. It's a premium ad-free comedy content platform, and it's uncensored in front of people what do college humor. They got really good shows. Lonely, thorny, un-actually. Cartoon spare.
I can help you win this election. Are you talking about playing dirty? It's the only way I play. |
cracked | this_movie_was_made_with_a_gay_version_and_a_straight_version_canonball | Today, we're not talking about those Rashomon and Tarantino type movies where multiple viewpoints are intricately woven into a single beautiful tapestry. And we're not getting into your Blade Runner or your Wicker Men.
Lots of bees! I was told no bees!
Movies that have been cut and recut a million times by various producers. I'm talking about those rare instances when filmmakers and their funders were so diametrically opposed in their creative visions, the only compromise was to make two separate versions of the same damn film. This is Cannonball.
The Army bans their own documentary and makes a new one. In the midst of World War II, the United States Army paid Captain and Filmmaker John Houston to make three movies about how great things were going. The first one he made was about badass American warriors preparing for battle and the Army loved it. The second one was about an epic failure of American intelligence that got a whole bunch of people killed. Smiling through gritted teeth, the Army thanked him for his service and then turned around and forbade new recruits from watching it. Houston's third film, Let There Be Light, was even more of a PR disaster. It chronicled the mental and emotional price paid by American soldiers featuring interviews with combat vets suffering from PTSD.
Unable to cluster bomb their way out of this snafu, they put on their thinking caps. Don't worry, they banned this one also. But they decided to make their own version to replace it. It's like if Taylor's version was about how cool it is to do murder on foreign soil.
Their new film was called Shades of Grey. Ironically, with a nearly all-white cast. Let There Be Light featured soldiers of color giving their testimony in a therapy setting. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm very much in love with my sweetheart. Shades of Grey meticulously reconstructed these scenes with white actors taking their place. The director of Shades of Grey once worked on a little film called Birth of a Nation, the movie that single-handedly revived the KKK in 1915. So we can guess at the motivation of this conspicuous recasting.
But the army says there was a perfectly logical, even compassionate reason for it. They were simply protecting the privacy of their soldiers. Houston says the whole thing was actually a blatant attempt to shift focus from the horrors of war to the idea that anyone can become Captain America if they just say the Pledge of Allegiance with enough gusto. However you slice it, the army went ahead and released their propaganda version and no one saw the real film for over three decades. So mission accomplished?
British Airways scrubs a competitor from their in-flight movies. During the making of 2006's Casino Royale, the studio was looking for an airline to chuck him a few bushels of cash in exchange for some product placement. Contractor no. I will not bow to any sponsor. They were in talks with both British Airways and Virgin Atlantic and for some unknown, probably sexy reason, they went with Virgin. The CEO of British Airways, presumably, sat back in his oversized chair, drummed his fingers together, sent away his minions in a violent outburst, and vowed to exact his revenge.
But how to do it? Subterfuge? Spycraft? The threat of nuclear annihilation? No.
Even crueler, British Airways lightly edited the film. In the version that appeared in their in-flight movie library, the Virgin logo was meticulously airbrushed out of every scene. The film even features a quick cameo from Virgin founder Richard Branson as Man at Airport Security, but not in the British Airways version. They cut the part of that scene where he briefly shows his face. Now, a spokesperson did confirm that they'd edited the movie, but said it was common practice to make light edits to avoid upsetting passengers, which sure, technically the crybaby CEO of British Airways is also a passenger.
Some movies are a little too gay, or not gay enough. In the early 2000s, it was tough to get funding for a mainstream movie that was even remotely gay, but in 2004, director Sam Ervin cracked the code. He was commissioned to make a Christmas movie for LGBTQ video platform Here TV, but he needed to scrounge up some funding from a larger, pruder network. He ended up making two versions of the same movie, where one ancillary character could be both gay and straight, call it Schrodinger's Bisexual Cat. A Very Cool Christmas is kind of a clueless send-up, where the rich girl gives Santa Claus a Gordon Gekko makeover. But Too Cool for Christmas is the exact same movie, except the girl has two gay dads. During production, he'd film the same scenes twice in a row and just swap out the straight mom for the gay dad. It's like the most wholesome threesome in history. The gay version went on Here TV, and the straight version got picked up by Lifetime, and everybody wins.
He used the same tactic for his 2006 sci-fi disaster film about an astronomer who enlists the help of two Air Force officers to save the planet from an asteroid. In Force of Impact, the officers were straight. In Deadly Skies, they had two quick scenes where they romp around under the covers a little bit. Filmmaker Brian Trenchard-Smith used the same play for his 2006 war thriller about a U.S. submarine that gets attacked by North Korea.
In Tides of War, the captain of the sub smooches his executive officer. In USS Poseidon, Phantom Below, nobody smooches nothing.
By most accounts, none of these films are destined for the Criterion Collection. But reviewers do agree that they whipped ass at one thing, presenting compelling characters in a wide range of genres who just happen to be gay. It doesn't determine their personalities or their stories. It's just a simple fact of the characters. So were these alternate versions worth making? Are they worth watching?
I don't have time to think about this stuff. I have to go finish my rewrite of the early 20th century classic The Great Train Robbery, wherein the train is bisexual. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannibal, I've been Jesse. Don't forget to like and subscribe, and let us know in the comments which classic films you think could stand to be just a little bit gayer. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_guru_genesis_fry_on_mental_health_snl | With mental health struggles on the rise, some Americans are seeking alternative forms of wellness. here to help is meditation guru, Genesis Fry. join me, won't you, on a guided meditation to the center of your mind. Oh, like right now? Yes, Colin. Colin, are you ready to meet Colin? Oh, I don't, I don't know. I'm scared. Colin, take my hand and close your eyes. Okay. I want you to picture yourself after the show tonight, Colin. as usual, fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen. you step outside and not a single ball flashes! Okay, that's not, that's not true. Relax, relax, relax, relax your arms. softer than I imagined. Okay. okay. you get into your car without acknowledging your driver. he's like a subhuman creature to you. that's not true. what's his name, Colin? it's, well, let's just focus on the meditation, you know?
You get home and you rewatch tonight's update. Twenty-one laughs for Michael, four for you. You re-watch tonight's update. Twenty-one laughs for Michael. you're improving, but it's slow.
I am full of light. I am full of light. everything in my life. everything in my life. simply handed to me. I'm not saying that. it's okay, Colin. it's natural to fight against the breakthrough. right. give me your hand. you're already holding my hand. Yes. I know.
Wow, it's so soft. you've never done an honest day's work in your life. No, no. picture it, Colin. you're in your dressing room after the show tonight. still fuming about the bilingual monologue. Is that me? No. you're so alone. the only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio. Who is Antonio? you're drawing me, Colin! Now, Sunday Morning, picture it, Colin. you're standing in the Nbc gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you. Sunday morning?
No one does.
Finally, a man notices you. he runs up to you. So excited.
Colin Jost. Colin Jost, he says. and he serves you with court papers. court papers? Turns out, someone does recognize you. thirty-two women, to be exact. you're making this up. Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jost.
I am a star. I'm a Star. if you want to shine like the sun first, you have to burn like it. if you want to shine like the sun first, you have to burn like it.
You did it, Colin! Yes! Wow. I actually love that last quote. did you just come up with that? No, it's a famous Hitler quote, Colin! And now it's a U-quo, too! Janis is. Cry, Everyone!
After the show tonight, Colin, as usual, fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen. you step outside and not a single bulb flashes! Okay, that's not true. relax, relax, relax, relax your arms. Relax your body, relax your arms. softer than I imagined. Okay. you get into your car without acknowledging your driver. he's like a subhuman creature to you. that's not true. what's his name, Colin? Well, let's just focus on the meditation, you know? you get home and you rewatch tonight's update. Twenty-one laughs for Michael, four for you. you're improving, but it's slow. Janis is, come on. Colin, relax, relax, relax. I'm relaxed. Repeat after me.
I am Colin Jost. I am full of light. I am full of light. everything in my life. everything in my life. was simply handed to me. I'm not saying that. it's okay, Colin. it's natural to fight against the breakthrough. give me your hand. you're already holding my hand. Yes, I know.
Wow, it's so soft. you've never done an honest day's work in your life. No, no. Sh, relax. picture it, Colin. you're in your dressing room after the show tonight, still fuming about the bilingual monologue. Not upset me. you're so alone. the only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio. Who is Antonio? you're drawing me, Colin!
Now, Sunday Morning, picture it, Colin. you're standing in the Nbc gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you. Sunday morning? No one does. no one does. Finally, a man notices you. he runs up to you. So excited.
Colin Jost. Colin Jost, he says. And he serves you with court papers. court papers? it turns out someone does recognize you. thirty-two women, to be exact. you're making this up. Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jost.
I am a star. I'm a star.
If you want to shine like the sun first, you have to burn Like it. if you want to shine like the sun first, you have to burn Like it. You did it, Colin! Yes! Wow. I actually love that last quote. did you just come up with that? No, it's a famous Hitler quote, Colin! And now it's a You quote, too! Janis is cry, Everyone. |
cracked | we_ruined_james_bond_with_math_movie_math | The thought had occurred to me. Now, I'm not going to pretend I'm the first person to notice that James Bond screws a lot. I am, if I've counted correctly, the third person to notice.
But using booze and meaningless sex to deal with job stress is taking Bond to stranger places than you may realize. A study from the Medical Journal of Australia found that Bond consumed 109 strong drinks over the course of his 24 films, most of which take place just over the course of a few days. Plus, those are only the drinks we see on screen. He presumably pounce even more while birding his hotel room, taking a dump, or staring off into the middle distance, wondering how the hell he ends up being in a view to kill. Meanwhile, a British Medical Journal study found that in Fleming's 12 novels, Bond consumes a staggering 92 units of alcohol a week. At one point, he manages 50 units of alcohol in a single day. That's while over four times the recommended maximum for men. Of the 87 days where he has an opportunity to drink, i.e. when he's not being dangled over an island fortress pool full of hungry sharks, he only had 12 sober days. Anything to dampen the effect of shark pool-related flashbacks, I guess. The BMJ concluded that Bond is at serious risk of drinking himself into an early grave. But to be fair, he presumably drinks far more during stressful missions where he's already being shot at and slapped in the balls anyways. Maybe he only has V8 weeks where he just does a lot of paperwork. But still, how would 92 units of alcohol a week affect his super spy performance?
Like many British measurements, a unit is weird and tough to perfectly quantify, like using stones for weight or bollocks for courage. But anyway, beer and wine glasses tend to have two or three units, while highball often tends to have one and a half. So could you drink 30 large glasses of wine, 46 beers, or 61 whiskey sours in a single week? Could you manage 33 rum and cokes in a single day?
Could you also do that while getting through a work shift? A work shift that's only successful if you single-handedly prevent the planet from being lasered into a fireball by a space satellite? That's what I thought.
The International Shooting Sport Federation recommends professional gun boys have no more than two drinks a day and to avoid alcohol entirely 48 hours before an event. Any more than that and your odds of being a good shooter get, well, shot. Drunkenness decreases your attention span, reaction time, dexterity, and concentration. Hangovers add tremors alongside light and sound sensitivity to all those debuffs. In other words, any time Bond is offscreen, he's presumably vomiting his way through firefights, steadying himself with one hand and shielding himself from the sun with the other. And he wouldn't be hitting much. YouTuber James Reeves used drunk goggles to simulate shooting while hammered. In the video, he struggled to load his gun, let alone hit a stationary defenseless target a few feet in front of him.
Bond isn't going to drink himself to death, because the first teetotaler he fights will easily put a bullet in him while he lies on the floor comatose covered in piss and puke. Oh, and forget driving. A daily drinking session of six and a half beers, even relatively weak ones, would routinely push Bond's blood alcohol level over 0.10%. At 0.10%, you struggle to talk, let alone drift a Rolls Royce. Even if Bond's spacing his drinks out, he's still going to be constantly buzzed. We do see Bond drunkenly wipe out in Casino Royale, but realistically, even his leisurely drive should end in a 50 Ferrari pileup. And speaking of performance, let's talk about Bond's sex life, shall we? Show us that enjoy a good squeeze.
In the movies alone, he has an estimated 55 partners, which is far more than the average 9 lifetime partners British men claimed in 2011. Now, Bond doesn't seem like the type to protect his O-agent, and the movies and books have never depicted him ruining the moment by fumbling with a condom. 64.9% of women in his age group do provide their own contraception, but if those women, 15% use condoms. That means for the purposes of protecting against STDs, only 5 of Bond's partners are silencing his PPK, and a man's risk of getting gonorrhea from an unprotected infected partner during a one-night stand is 20%, and 20% of 50 is 10 gonorrhea's. And because women are 60 to 90% likely to contract a disease from an infected super spy, he's probably left around 30 women with a quantum of discharge.
He's also probably gotten, like, all the syphilis. Like, so much syphilis, you guys. But let's talk about unprotected sex some more.
Statistically, 19 of his partners will have not used contraception during their gold fingering, and of the average 28-day menstrual cycle, there's a 6-day window of fertility. The odds of an ovulating woman getting pregnant from a single encounter are about 1 in 3. I won't round that up, because Bond probably has some determined sperm who swim around to his theme song. Only about 40% of unplanned pregnancies end in abortions, while the others end in a birth. Therefore, there is a near-absolute chance that there is at least one single bastard Bond out there somewhere, speeding around in his little tyke's coop and demanded that his nest quick be shaken, not stirred. And those are conservative estimates, because let's face it, not only has Bond definitely betted more partners than the ones we see on screen, but women with names like Holly Goodhead and Molly Warmflash probably take a disproportionate number of sexual risks. So, how will Bond support his love spot if Octopussy comes knocking about as Octo-Twins?
I don't know, but I guess he'll definitely wish he kept a couple of those cars intact. Throughout the course of the films, Bond has been behind the wheel of unique cars from a 1935 Bentley to a 1989 Ford Bronco. Assuming they were kept an average, non-bullet riddled condition, a collection of all the cars Bond has driven would be worth, according to various insurance companies and auction results, about $2.86 million today. A lot of that value is thanks to the 1963 Aston Martin DB5 Bond drives in Goldfinger and Thunderball. Only 1,021 were ever made, and one sold at auction a few years ago, back for $788,000. Man, no wonder Q Cup bugging Bond keep those cars intact.
Do I need any other protection? Dude totally ruined his retirement slash child support plan. So it's only because of careful, very selective editing that every James Bond movie isn't just two hours of him sitting in his crashed car, unable to move, and oozing fluids from every orifice while his unwanted children demand he get up and play Candy Land with them. Again! |
cracked | nancy_grace_better_than_a_baby_murderer | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off Nancy Grace's series of reports on Kaylee, the tragic story of a missing girl now thought to be deceased. Kaylee's mother is currently in police custody pending an investigation, leaving Nancy no choice but to further mind this tragedy for ratings. After all, there may be no new information to report, but every good journalist knows the real story is the journalist. Let's just break it down. All these theories about an accidental death, if she fell or she drowned by accident, why not call 911? Fair point, but do you think you could further explain, maybe with an incredibly belabored personal anecdote?
Do you remember when baby John David fell off the bed? I didn't run trying to bury his body out in the backyard. No, I went out in the street with the baby wailing trying to hell a cab to get him to the doctor. God, I admire you. Not only are you a successful television journalist, but you're also an even better parent than an alleged baby murderer.
She can break into...break the lock! Wow, it's like two dimensions can't contain all of Nancy's self-righteous indignation. Maybe that's why CNN has begun broadcasting her in Smugavision 3D. Sanctimony so real, you can touch it. It's not about who's got the deepest pocket, Ray.
What is with these video effects? The hazy lens, the black and white, the shifting back and forth?
It's like CNN doesn't want you to get too good a look at her, which is really harsh, because they let this guy snuggle right up to the camera. I noticed that when she told Copp, she still worked at Universal. She went all the way to Universal, went through the guard stand, got out of the car, walked all the way down the hall, and then says, you know what, I don't want Camaros fired. She'll take it all the way until the very bitter end.
Is that what she's doing now? Really Nancy? You have a problem with a woman who perpetuates the same worthless story over and over again? Looking at your web page, I would have never have guessed that. Ooh, look at all those Kaylee stories. Oh, sorry, there's a little more after the jump. There you go. I didn't know you could stack reports that high. How does she do it? She needs a shovel. That's hate by numbers, and that's all. For now. Establishing! |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_monologue_polar_bear_incident_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, David Spade! thank you very much. thank you. it's nice to be back. now the pupil has become the teacher. I'm kidding. I've been here for a while. I've had a lot of fun. earlier in the week, I went to the Central Park Zoo.
I wanted to see the polar bears. I've never seen them. it sounded like a good time. So I go there. The only bummer was the polar bear part was closed because I don't know why. So I go, hey, Zookeeper, what's up? and she goes, well, earlier, we had an incident. we had a little bit of a situation. and I go, what's that? And she goes, well, somebody apparently crawled into the polar bear cage because they thought the bears were waving them in. And I go, really? that doesn't seem right. I go, maybe, you know, because the bear's like, oh! so I thought, but you know what? no. because no one even has to tell you that. they're just not. And so I go, that doesn't make sense. And she goes, well, I also heard that maybe they were like high on something at the time. like, ok, well, at least that makes more sense because then they see a little skew. different perspective. it's like this.
Argh! argh! argh! argh! argh! argh! Sweat shirt. no, it's fun in here. yeah, have a good time. it's cold. come on. yeah, step up. get in the fence. put your foot in. it's cold. come on. just over the top. put your leg. come down. I got your foot. come on. get down. Argh! Yeah, he died. that didn't work out.
So then I go back to the hotel and I want to watch Tv because I want to catch up on a little spank for a vision. who's with me? I go in there. the only thing I can find is the show Cops. The show Cops is on like four channels. it's always filmed like Fort Worth. it's always the same deal. there's always the guy getting busted that has his shirt off. So I don't quite get that because all growing up, all my life, none of my friend's dads ever had their shirts off. meanwhile, every idiot on cops has a shirt off when they get them. it's always the same drill. shirt off. lazy boy. dolphin shorts. one sock. flip flop. weed on the table. dog barking. baby crying. sig burning. Tv on the fuzz. not surprised there's a cop in their house. dude, she hit me for. All right, that's enough. we got a long show. we got a long show. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_nightline_with_bill_clinton_and_bob_dole_saturday_night_live | After 28 years in the Senate, Bob Dole calls it quits. this is Nightline, reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel. in what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole this week announced that he's resigning from the Senate in order to devote his full energies to the Presidential campaign. here to discuss this surprising decision, his senator, soon to be former Senator Bob Dole. Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebullient mood. Well, this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we've begun our campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look. Senator, has the mood at your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton's rather startling press conference today? at press conference. the one that concluded a few hours ago? let's take a look. at press conference, let that be. Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. the Senate will be a poorer place for his absence, but I do know why he resigned. And it got me to thinking, so effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today in the District of Columbia Superior Court, I filed for divorce from my wife Hillary on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you.
Mr. Dole, your thoughts? Well, uh, it would seem the President has one up to you. Well, not at all, Ted. in fact, after much so, searching, prayer and consultation with my wife Elizabeth, well, I've decided that, well, in order to give the American People the kind of Presidential campaign they deserve, I can't do it like Bill Clinton as just a man. that's why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures, which will permit me to campaign not as a man, but as a kind of a half man, half woman, some kind of an androgynous sex neuter. That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole. I mean, how's this going to be accomplished? Well, uh, I don't want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted. kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we've had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and time to move beyond that. Well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is a candidate who can do it. in other words, you plan to run not as Bob Dole's Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole's she-male. forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gamp issue and a rather unsavory one at that. Well, uh, Ok, Ted, how about this? Bob Dole, not male, not female, not even human. Bob Dole, beam of Pure Energy. How about that?
Never tires, never ages. Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored? Well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a crystal. then when Congress is ready to pass real welfare reform, a real deficit reduction by Bob Dole, he'd simply jump out of the crystal and materialize. like Obi-wan kenobi. yeah, wherever that is, sure.
Senator, to be honest, I like the she-male idea better. You did? Well, uh, you're right, Ted Cobble. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't have a Chinaman's chance in this election. I wouldn't say that, Senator. hey, hey, what about that? Bob Dole Chinaman. yeah, hard-working, good in math.
Senator, I'm going to stop you before you embarrass yourself any further. you call that embarrassment. I'll give you embarrassment right now.
Live from New York, Saturday night. |
dropout | terrorist_in_love | Ma'am, please remove your shoes. But I can't walk without my orthopedic shoes.
If you're gonna enter the terminal, you're gonna... Whoa, whoa, whoa, guy. Not so fast. Sir, you don't understand. I have to get through. No, you don't understand. You have to wait and rhyme.
Please, the woman I love is in there. Well, isn't that sweet? Back of the line. Sir, if I do not stop her now, she is going to make the biggest mistake of her life. Is that a knife in your sock? Listen, if I don't get on that plane, she is going to marry a jerk.
Okay, he has a rifle. He has a heart. That's what he has.
Yeah. Jesus, do you have a ticket? No. Any form of ID? No. Nothing. He's got love. Yeah. I'm also carrying some liquid I'm not willing to dump out. Gotcha.
But if I don't get through, the love of my life is going to get on that plane to Paris and she's not going to come back. This terminal is for domestic flights.
Tell her how you feel. I'd love to help you out, but there are rules. Listen, Gordon. Gordon. Have you ever been in love? You have got to be shit. Have you ever been in love, Gordon? And is there anything in the world that would have kept you on this side of the gate? No, sir.
Go get her. Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Stop right there. Remove your shoes. This is a Code Red. I'm going to take out this you crazy psychotic old bitch. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Hamish_Blake_From_The_Archive | Clancy is still overseas. He's in Melbourne visiting his family down there. His extended family, I should say.
So that means we are unable to record a podcast this week. So sit back and enjoy a classic episode that we recorded over a year ago with the man who sits atop the high-water mark in radio and podcasting in this country, Mr. Hamish Blake. Thank you, and we'll touch base next week. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Good afternoon Batutah and a special hello to those joining us via the internet podcast. Welcome to the Batutah Advocates news hour.
My name is Clancy Overall and sitting opposite me is Errol Parker. This week we have a very special guest. Yes, a very, very special guest indeed. He's a household name in this game. We speak to the unsinkable Hamish Blake on today's show.
But first, Clancy, let's head to local news. And what's been happening out in the desert capital? Well, I think we should leave with that courthouse business happen on Wednesday. Yeah, sure.
A man went mad at the local Batutah courthouse on Wednesday afternoon and the cops had to shoot him.
Do we know any more? Yep, local tennis coach Dennis Longhurst was facing a number of serious charges relating to firearms, drugs and driving. He tried to rip a service pistol out of a junior constable's holster just moments before he was due to appear before the magistrate. Yeah, it's not a smart thing to do when you're about to face charges for possessing an illegal firearm, is it? No, obviously not. So then what happened? Well, from all accounts he managed to free the firearm from the policeman's holster and was momentarily in control of it before another on-duty police officer managed to shoot him in the elbow. Well, if you didn't already have a case of tennis elbow, Clancy, you certainly has one now.
No, I don't think he'll be playing tennis in prison. So what's he up to now? He's currently under police guard in a hospital awaiting further charges, which will probably be heard in the Queensland Supreme Court which means he might even have to go into Quilpy.
Yeah, it does sound quite serious, doesn't it? Yes, not as serious as this next story though. No, but shocking nonetheless.
The owner of Petuta's only Aston Martin was carjacked earlier this morning. Look, I'm gonna I'm gonna go a bit off script here and say yeah, it couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke. Well, well, we all know that you and Greg Pearson have a bit of history, but you know.
But what? Just let me continue. We can talk about it later. All right, all I'm saying is... Hold that thought. All right. Hold that thought.
Pearson had just dropped his 12-year-old son off at the Hooton School in Petuta Grove when a matte black Toyota Hi-Ass reportedly cut him off on the corner of Mulholland and Greenbow at the top of the hill there. Two masked men leapt from the van and they apparently dragged Greg out of the car.
Don't laugh. The police told the media a short time ago that Pearson put up a bit of a struggle and in that struggle he did have a Phillips head screwdriver thrust into his tummy. Holy shit. It's it's not that funny. The Diamantina development road was closed between Holman Road and Cecil Avenue while the flying doctor landed to take Mr. Pearson to hospital. Oh, oh my god.
He's he's currently listed as being in a critical but stable position in Royal Adelaide Hospital. Well, all I can say is he's lucky they had balaclavas on and yeah, you know how the saying goes down there in the Houser blocks in the flight path district when they mask up they're coming for your ride when they're bare-faced they're coming for your life. Yeah, yeah, right on. Well after the break we speak to Hamish Blake of Hamish and Andy fame where he talks about how he got his start in radio to where radio is now to where it's going and he also spoke about the time where he put his hand into a mitt full of bullet ants in the Amazonian rainforest. One of the greatest yarns ever told on the Batutah Advocate podcast in recent years. So make sure you're you're listening and we'll be right back. It's one not to miss.
Now you can customize during the winter months your own pair of swimmers from our good friends there at Budgie Smuggler. Thank you. They've been moving a lot of a lot of Batutah themed stock for us and we love working alongside them. So that's a budgiesmuggler.com.au They're also making a move on the UK now, so for all of you listeners over there I don't know when the hell you'd ever wear them, but they seem to be flying off the shelves just in time for yacht week. If you've got a rugby club, a cricket club, a tennis club, a bridge club get your own custom themed budgie smugglers from budgiesmuggler.com.au Anything goes just don't put the Malaysian flag on it.
Here we are with one of the stayers and giants, juggernauts of Australian media particularly audio media radio. Appreciate that boys. As you said that I knocked the microphone with my hand. So it's great you've got a real pro on. Hamish Blake, thanks for joining us today. What an honor, an honor to be here.
Is there a cash incentive for me to mention the brand of lightly sparkling water we have? No, there isn't. Is there a coincidence that that's just all the same company that's provided? Yeah, yeah, we got cans and bottles, but they're not paying a shit, so don't say anything.
I suppose it's the commercial radio in me going, hey if I can help you out if you need a plug I'll happily weave in how refreshing your lightly sparkling water is. But if not, it goes unmentioned. Okay. Yeah, like that's an interesting brand on the side of your coffee mug. I bought, I did this thing where I came from like another suburb.
I won't give away the location of the podcasting studio because to casual observers it looks like we are hiding from the NSA in here. Like it's a bunker within a building, within a building.
But I was somewhere else before I came here and I made the mistake of getting a large coffee which I'm now, I feel like I've ordered a pint of Guinness. They're just sitting on for hours. I've got one as well. I got a large long black and it's just too much coffee to consume.
Yeah, and it's not getting any colder. It's like it's staying the same. It's still roughly 400 degrees Celsius.
Now, just back to your ability to just look at brands and think that they might be paying someone. What kind of, have you been driving cars that have been related to sponsors for like 20 years? I gave up that deal a long time ago.
But I know, I mean it's out there. It's out there if you're in commercial mode. It's out there. You've got the option to do it.
But no, I probably should have been. Now that I'm out of radio and that golden microphone's stopped and now it's very much the balsa wood microphone of podcasting that we operate on. Back in the day, people just drive the car and weave in a mention used to be the deal. I mean, we're talking like early 2000s here. But the thing, in the end, it's just not worth it because you're like, I've got this car that I don't really want to drive.
I mean, it's great. It's nice to have a free car. Yeah.
I'm just low. I have a low tolerance for hassle.
And that those deals, I mean, I know it sounds like this is super boring, but every six months they want to catch up and hang out and swap the car over. I'm like, I hate to sound offensive, but it's not worth it for this forced catch up we have to do. And then the guy from the dealerships there is like, oh, you know, let's go for lunch. You're like, you feel like, all right, I should because of like, mate, I'm sorry, I don't want to do this. I'm going to buy a second hand car and I'll get out of two forced lunches a year. And that's a way better deal. It sounds like a real hassle. It does. I mean, now looking back on it, go for lunch and have a car.
Everyone goes out to freak out, but it's not, you're going to give it back. So it's like, well, it's not like, yeah, you're getting a, I'm not, I still feel like I owe them a shout out.
You're getting a Mazda CX-5 and you're like, great, that's a thing. $9,000 car. You're rich. You just have to give it back and it's cost you two lunches. Not worth it.
So just asking for a mate, how do you get that? Like, how do you get that deal? If you could get rid of this brand, that's on the table, this brand of beverage, and instead have your Mazda keys on there and casually mention them every podcast. I think you guys are at the stage now where you can flex that muscle and you can, you can get it.
Oh shit, it's my new, um... You can get a Batuu to CX-5. Yeah, it's my new Mitsubishi, uh...
Struggling to think of a brand. Four-wheel drive that Henry Rollins has been plugging those months. He's just been having conversations and if a brand gets involved, a brand gets involved. So if there's any car brands listening, um, I'm open to, uh... Certainly open.
Hashtag Todd's Bonzer's Hashtag would love to be. Hashtag influencers. Hashtag desperate to influence, please.
So did you guys, you guys saw the transition? You were pre, um, social media and now, and you're pretty good on socials, but did you ever get the tap on the shoulder and be like, hey, mate, you know, you could ramp this up? I don't think I am good on social media, like I've just got bored of Twitter. I've left that, I mean, sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I've got Twitter. Do you know, I did a few months ago, this changed my life. Just, I mean, I actually, I'll start, I'll start, I'll answer the question then I'll get sent, I'll get deep.
Um, we were there, MySpace was touted as a big one for us. We were in like, do you know, when we first started radio, I think this was 2005, they were like, guys, obviously internet, you know, it's here to stay. Um, we were cautious. The dot com crash happened, it's back. And we're like, yeah, we believe it. We were on the internet quite often. I just spent 20 minutes a day on there. Like, yeah, it's big. Like, what can we do on the internet?
We've got a webpage for the radio show. We're like, good, good, good, good. And we really think people want to see, um, 99% of radio shows content is, here's the guest that came in with us standing in front of the curtain. That's got our brand name on it. That's just all radio shows put up. They really think people want to see you guys, a couple of Australian Idol top tens. Yeah, we agree. We'll put that up.
What else can we do? And everyone's just scratching their heads going, well, video, you can't put video up. It's, there's not enough data in the world to sell a digital video. At this stage, we're still shooting like mini DVDs and like, it was expensive. Like that was out of the question. What can we put up?
They're like, what about a blog? Do you guys be interested in doing a blog? Which is kind of like, um, it's like a little fun thing you write. That's like a digital newsletter. So occasionally we'd say something on the, this lasted for like two months, the push to make our radio, like a blog. We'd say something on radio and then everyone would have a laugh. And the big plant and the producer would come on the intercom and go, pretty good guys, but do you reckon a blog in that? Can we take that and make a blog out of it?
I reckon we did too. When it was basically just saying the same thing we'd said on radio with a bit of like, what do you guys reckon?
And leaving a comment section that never got visited.
And that was it. And then MySpace came along and then they're like, this is great. MySpace is, this is the thing.
But you had to, maybe you had to add everyone that requests. You had to manually go approve. Yeah, he couldn't just cop levels. You couldn't just be an open house. You couldn't have an open house, you had to stand at the door and let everyone in.
And then, so that lasted for a bit and then, then that died. So realistically, we, yeah, we were pretty slow on, on the uptake and I would say Instagram is anything I'm kind of like semi-active on. And even there, I've just gone, Oh, when, when the mood strikes, the mood strikes, but I, you know, I spend weeks off.
Um, but you know, that's, I think I say, you know, as a fan of what you guys do, you found your calling, you found your home on Instagram. It works well. But the one thing I did do was move and I don't, I don't, I don't blame you guys for this, but you know, you guys, you guys are good content. You're addictive content.
Um, but I was just doing that thing where you open up Instagram every day or every time you look at your phone, you're like, Oh, I thought someone called me and there's nothing there. You're like, well, Instagram has always got something for me. I was probably looking at Instagram like a hundred times a day and I moved it because, but not because I'm like, not because I thought before my phone was out of my pocket, I must look at Instagram, but it's just brilliant. Like it's, it's a pokey. Like it's so engineered to get your attention. I moved it from my home screen to the back page. So I have to actively think now I want to look at Instagram and that never happens. Like I really, it happens like 5% as much as it did when I just looked at my screen and went, Oh, there's Instagram.
So now as I'm scrolling across like four other pages, my brain goes, do you really feel like, like what, why, why are you doing this? And in that scroll across, like it gives me time to go. I don't know. And I scroll back and I'm probably on it like I'm probably down to like 10 minutes a day. I'm driving. I should look at it now as I'm driving. So I'm probably on 10 minutes a day when I reckon I was probably on it like hours back in the day.
Well, our experience wasn't too dissimilar from that where, you know, we went from being a daily newspaper just in print out, out here in the, uh, in the desert to, um, to, in 2014 we had, uh, an intern come up from the Cosmopolitan Southeast. And, um, he said, how come you guys aren't on the internet? And we said, because, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's just a fad. People are free to take a digital photo and scan it in, put it out there on the net.
So, so he, he helped us initially there. He got you plugged in. He put us on a Facebook. He nearly got fired for speaking out of school for a little while.
I hope so. You know, clanking your box young fella. He ended up hitting him once, you know, that was, um, That was off the end. I'm related to him, so it's all good. Even if it's a great idea, discipline must come first. And I back you guys. Well, yeah, our newspaper then started to grow in ways that we weren't really prepared for. Sure.
Um, and that's kind of off the back of social media where I guess towards the latter stages of your days on commercial radio, I guess that helped you as well to a certain extent. Definitely with Facebook. Actually, we cheated with Facebook and I'd be the first to say it because everyone's like, okay, you guys got a million followers. You know, you heard it here first. I still don't know if there's a difference between like people just going, I like this page or like I'm active. I think there is, but yeah, like I'm actually a friend with this person, but I think we have 2 million people on Facebook, but we got a massive jump because I think there was someone and we owe them a massive debt when Facebook was still in its infancy.
Like, like 2009, I think it was 2009 because it was like, they were like, we aren't going to start a page for you. You guys on Facebook are not really interested. Thank you. Don't think it'll last. They're like, we're going to start a page, which is 9,999 like fans or whatever by ninth of the ninth 09.
Right. And I think that, and we're like, yeah, go for it. Like, sure.
And so they were like actively kind of like trying to build this thing. And we started thinking we were even on Facebook. We still weren't on Facebook and they got up to like 800,000 or something. They fell short, but they fell short. Then they were like, ah, well, we didn't get there, but do you guys want to, do you guys kind of want these and you build it from there?
You actually cheated like in the most cheaty way. Cheesy, very cheaty.
So they were like, have these. And we're like, okay, sure.
Like, I don't think we really want Facebook anyway. And Jez, who's our web guy who is across this and have been saying for years, like, I really think we do want a Facebook page.
Discipline. So then like, we, then we really got like the last 200,000 followers to get to a million. And then we were like, we did it. I still remember us taking like a photo at the 1 million mark of going, we did it. We're like, geez, that was quick, like a couple of months to get to a million, but we a hundred percent go, like we drove most of the marathon, then kind of got out, pin the number on and ran across the line. Yeah. You kind of had the, the, the ready-made, few months to get to a million and then probably like another seven years for the next, for that next minute. Well, it was a lot easier back then to grow an audience where I, I think that, you know, our team in the social media department has done, you know, a great job to get us to half a million in, in, in just four short years.
But a lot of bots, it's a lot of bots. It's a lot of bots, you got to trick them too, cause now they're ripping out bots out of the system. Yeah, a lot of Macedonians. They've got to be very realistic bots.
So do you think now, if you weren't on, on the Facebook and Instagram now as a podcaster, how do you reckon you'd, you'd fare now? Well, I just think so many people look at the weekly charts of the podcast and bother clicking through anyone outside the top 10, that it's just as powerful as social media.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no one that's not waking up in the morning, I don't feel, and going to iTunes, podcast, charts, categories, comedy, see more than top 10, scroll, 45. Yeah, good.
So that's a great way to hit an audience. That's what we call discovery. And we found that, and that's just an easy thing for people to do at the morning and they're addicted to it. So you still got saturation level there, which is great. You guys were doing, you guys were in this game. Obviously, it was relayed shows you had, but people were listening. It was probably pioneer in Australian audiences, you guys were pioneering in the podcast.
Podcasting, yeah. That's the weird thing about this here, because now we just do one podcast a week and it's, you know, we're only doing 40 a year. We were like, Oh, that seems about right. And then we'll do 40 next year. And that's kind of like the right time commitment. But the funny thing was, yeah, we've been doing a podcast for years. We've done thousands of podcasts because it was just the radio show then sent out again. So this year, everyone's like, and now you guys are podcasting. That's terrific. Cause I think we must've, we did an interview or someone wrote an article. It feels weird to be doing publicity for 40 podcasts when like last year we did 150 without a peak. We probably sat down and recorded like three podcast specific messages and even then felt like, well, we're really over delivering here for the podcast. It just relays. And now it's a, yeah, now it's, now it's sort of a slightly changed game, but it is a lot more fun just doing a podcast.
How did you guys realize, and this is a tough one, when you, you guys would have met each other, you can, you can go into where you met each other, but you both knew that you were arguably the funniest guys in the room. The two of you paired. Yeah. Did that ever happen?
No, you just started off at uni. I mean, we were in the same classes and we were just doing like a lot of management subjects where instinctively we both went, ah, if you, a lot of this is like, a lot of it was based on speeches in class. Like you're like in tutorials, you have to do a lot of oral presentations and I think it just became clear to both of us, like this Andy guy, he hasn't studied disability, he's just bullshitting. And likewise for me. And so that was kind of the, the, the origin story of going, I sense in you, you're a man that likes to not study and try and make up for that with an audacious attempt at a high energy, uh, fact, low fact speech.
And I like that. I like that about you because that's my attitude too. And I reckon that was the bonding. Uh, that was the bonding. Yeah.
It was like, there could be a future in future in being overconfident and under skilled. So that was when you were doing a degree in commerce and science big time. But in saying that about Andy, that probably would have done him quite well in boardrooms and.
Little did we know meetings up and down, you know, buddy Collins, I'll stereo in the Collins place in the, my fucking in the, in the, you know, I've only been there once. You could get the tram up, up and down that road for free. You can, you have people that do it nonstop. That blew my mind. It was like going, it was like going in to the ABC where it's just, just everything's so left and free and social, but you can do whatever you want. And there was some fucking dude there with a sign that he said he would, he would write you a poem for $20. That is, that is pure capitalism though. Oh, you mean Collins street or Collins place? That fucking dude. Yeah. That blew my mind. I thought you were talking about the ABC where they have.
I've asked that guy to write me a poem for it. I hope you didn't spend your money on it. They're underwhelming. And I think after you go back a few times, a little derivative of each other. Yeah. If I had to critique it. I feel like this poem's a little bit based on the one you did for me last week. Andy Warhol type thing.
He's famous now I guess. But you won't know that would have, that would have served Ando well. Little do we know that that's basically what, like that is actually the main skill having a chemist degree will get you ever, like everyone can do the accounting part of it. It's both can you stand in a boardroom and trick people for profit is probably the skill he would have turned to had it not just been now the behemoth of podcasting.
Yeah, yeah. So, so if you guys ever had to have that moment with the two of you in the room and you're still the same dudes who met during management 603 in university. 603 is generous because if I remember correctly, that means your sixth year. I don't think I got past anything that started with a one or a two. Did you, and you've ever had people try and like, uh, say to you things like, all right, fellas, you know, this is, this is it. You're the new Paul Hogan or something. Do you know all like the, you're the new Roy and HG or the other new, and you guys have been had to call on those 101 202 like skill sets you learn at university and say, what? I mean, yeah, definitely early. I mean all the time, early days was like, we spent the whole time probably going, why are we doing channel seven?
And then public to those guys going, we've made a great decision. Guys, you've made the terrific decision with the future and well done. Well, I couldn't, uh, yeah, I couldn't commend you more. I definitely don't think that you didn't know what you were doing and you've just picked any old guys. Uh, you've made an educated decision and we are the right choice. So congratulations. We'll take it from here. We'll solve all your problems.
And then, and then not doing that. Um, we did have one time, someone from a film company just come and go, one of those weird meetings, which I'm sure you guys have had to where they're like, we'd love to meet and you're like, all right. And so then you sit down and then it's one of those, they go, so what have you got? And then you go, Oh, sorry.
What have you thought? This is a meeting where you had something and they go, well, we're excited to make whatever film is in your head. So what is it? Everyone's got a film in them. Like, yep.
Yeah, no, I could have used about two days. It would have been great.
It's like oceans 11, but with children, we're stealing the daycare's petty cash flow.
Oh yeah. Not a bad film. Actually write that down.
What I think would be of interest to a lot of our listeners, which are directionless young men aged between 24 and 34. How did Hamish and Andy go from getting past pluses in management courses to, uh, to getting your first start on, on Fox, wasn't it? It was on Fox Affirm in Melbourne.
Um, in the middle of the night, wasn't it? Middle of the night. Oh, it was called the almost Tuesday show. Cause it was on Monday from 10 till midnight. So, so just as everyone's in that critical phase, you know, you guys know what I'm talking about. Yeah. 10 and 12 on a Monday night, getting ready for Tuesday.
Um, so we really tried to capture that audience, tap into that feel that we all know so well. Um, man, honestly, talking to the directionless young men, it was a lot of luck, um, and zero expectation that it would go anywhere, but we just kind of did it cause it seemed fun. I don't think like, it's one of those ones where at the end, like now you could like retrospectively look back and go, Oh, well that, you know, that seems like you had a plan, but like anyone else, not really. Just falling from one thing to the next and hoping that it wasn't the end.
Yeah. Um, that's kind of the, that's the, the algorithm for our career is, does this seem fun? Yes. If you do this, will it slightly increase your chances of getting to do it again? Like if you do this well, does it slightly increase your chances of getting to do it again? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Good luck.
Try and do it well and repeat like day after day after day and kind of just see where it takes you. And I've found that this, is this the cruel twist of radio in itself that, and I've heard a lot of people say that I've heard radio, um, successful radio lifers say that, um, Chrissy Swann, I've, I've heard even OSHA to a degree is the cruel twist that the people that end up in, um, you know, drive or breakfast, have that attitude. And there's the other lifers who actually are actively trying to get there that don't.
Yep. Oh, 100%.
I think the cruel twist is no one, there is no plan. Like there's no guarantee or not. There's no guarantee, but like there's just no scientific approach to do it.
Like there's a lot of people that are like, man, how are we getting to radio? I'm like literally the same thing stopping you from getting in radio is what was stopping me.
Nothing. Yeah. Just start.
Like, I mean, we didn't, I'm not saying you can turn up and talk, go to reception. You got like the drive show plays, but that's the thing we did years on community radio. Like we, and we went, you know, you don't do years on community radio because they're like, all right, guys, just quietly guys. In 2007, we can give you the drive show, but it's 2002 now. So you have to, you have to do community and we've got this secret plan out there for you.
You just do it and hope for the best. But so I say that with full acknowledgement of how lucky we got because I get several junks, several sliding door moments along the way. It just happened to fall our way. And that was super lucky.
And there's nothing.
What was the best call? What, what do you reckon? Do you have a sliding door moment where you're like, whoa, if we have, that could have ruined everything.
We have someone from triple J tell us, um, we want you to do drive. This is just before we started doing drive in Melbourne. And we're like, I was signed with commercial radio and they're like, cancel the contract. If you go commercial, we'll never get to work at triple J. We went, okay.
Um, but we've signed with them. I'm so sorry, but we've signed. They were like, this is the moment. Like they did the hard stuff going, this is the moment where you, you define, you know, your legacy, you shred that contract and you come to triple J. We went, or is it the moment where we look back when we're driving those complimentary CX5s.
Although, but we, so there was a bit of that. There was a bit of like, we were only, we definitely were not like, we had one or two champions within Fox FM early days when we started drive. So we were just Melbourne only. And we were Monday to Thursday. So we would like, that was our first year of drive radio, our first six months.
And they're like, well, massive hedge from the network. Like they were not, they were like, we have no reason to believe you guys would be good. And listen, they wasn't, I agree with them.
Well, you hadn't played professional sport and you hadn't been on Big Brother. You have never been in the popularity voter thing. Clear Bachelors two years away for you, Andy. So we haven't seen you in the popularity contest yet.
I think there's one thing Hamish that we need to touch on is, um, is, is there is a new way to get onto commercial radio and that is to appear on a popular reality television program. It's always been the way though. Yeah. I mean, why, I mean, you look at some people like Fitzy and like Chrissy Swan, who has ranked amongst some of Australia's best broadcasters. They're awesome. They're great. Yep. Somehow, isn't this crazy? The world we live in now, where like, if you were first generation Big Brother, there's credibility to that. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You guys did it when it was a social experiment. We accept that.
But if you're recent reality, I'm sorry, guys, that's, that's, that's trashy. Although, if you could choose, um, how do you think you would have gone on reality television? Like say, if you were on Big Brother, like as a burnt out stockbroker, then you were just like, fuck it. I'm going to go into the Big Brother house. And then if I was a burnt out stockbroker, I would, I'd give myself a better chance because there'll be like a rawness and a, maybe a beauty to the honesty, you know, maybe a bit like, a bit of ace and extras.
Like you're talking to a man that's at rock bottom and exposed. And you've been manipulating too. He doesn't care if he just fucking burns the house down. You'd be one of those guys that's hiding toothbrushes and being a monster. Shanks.
It's like, I came into the Big Brother house to get clean. You know, I just had to fucking get the fuck out of Con Street. And now I'm brewing like jail alcohol in the toilet, like in the cistern in the diary room. Shut up, Big Brother, don't tell anyone. This is the last time I fall asleep on the tram and wake up at Luna Park. And the guy was like, get off us.
Like, where are you? It's like, They would have made that version of me. That's good TV. Yeah.
But man, I would, I'd be terrible on reality TV. Well, there is, there is that, um, with that, Like Survivor, like I'd fucking hate that. I love Survivor, but I would hate that.
So you wouldn't be able, you think, to turn your appearance on social media into a career in commercial radio? If you could turn back time?
I don't think so. No, no, here's the other thing here. I mean, this is coming crazy.
And I mean, if anyone in charge of a radio stations listening, I mean, this is not a secret. I've had, I've had this conversation like many times with people in radio, I think, and this is a bit, this is weird. I'm an outlier here. I think you should put people on radio that are good at radio and enjoy doing radio and want, and that might even be the key word, want to do a radio show. They're a lot rarer than you think. Yeah. Sometimes you'll find people that can be, that have a familiar name to the person listening to radio station, but they don't want to be on radio.
They're just a familiar person who likes money. And a lot of people like money. And that's not a terrible thing. Or need something to do. Or need something to do, it's like, I was someone and I like money.
And so I could pretend to myself for one week that I enjoyed this thing called radio and I'm learning about it. That's not actually the same as enjoying radio and wanting to do radio. Like I would always back a hundred percent, like people that you have no idea who they are, but actually like doing radio. Like if I had to, like, if you're like, all right, here's a thousand dollars, you got to invest it in someone. I've invested in the team that are like, we're a bit shit and you don't know who we are, but we love radio versus, hey, we were on something that a million people watched last year.
Yeah. And we were number one rating for a week until Kyle Sandlin's waxed his entire body on air. And now we're number two.
Because then that's actually when, when you're in those, that's what you discover if you like radio or not, or if you just like money and the idea of it going well, which is a different thing. So there is another theory I just formulated in my head with that early days, big brother. Oh, you know, edgy, your art, modern day, big brother, gross. But the thing is, you've got chlamydia early days, big brother, not restrictive to modern day, not exclusive to modern day. I'm sure a lot of early day chlamydia happened. Early day big brother though, was all those reality shows was so loose.
They was, they were not managed well. They had, and they had people that were every walk of life. They had like white dread brickies and like, you know, they had all these ferrules in there going out of, they had the coked up millionaire's son and then, and they had all these hot chicks and everyone was making out and drunk. And that was why everyone loved it.
And then it was awesome because no one had watched that first few years of reality TV was amazing because no one had watched reality TV yet. So there's no, we were like in the first raw bit of data before it starts like recursively learning of itself. So like first season of survivor, the American survivor, like I'm a big fan of Americans, Rudy, man, like, like Richard Hatch, who won it, right, was just walking around nude just to see if that's the kind of thing you might do on reality TV. And no one had any reference point and ended up winning it.
And he was a cunt, like he was an asshole. Yeah, I've gone hard. I realize that's a little bit of choking on the water in the background there. He was a bit of an asshole.
Um, he's a fan of the show too. I was probably listening and if he is, I'm a huge fan of his, but it came down to, I mean, I'm a big, I'm a big survivor fan, right? I've heard Jeff Probst talk about this, right?
There was like, no one knew what this show was. A million dollars was huge.
I don't have done it before, but like, you know, are you going to kill these people? What's going to happen?
He lied. Like he invented lying on survivor because everyone, everyone else treated it like a popularity contest because that's like what it seemed like it should be like, we'll all get to the end. And I would never lie to you guys. He got to the end and went, Hey. So there was him and I can't remember, and they had like a lovely, he was against someone else who'd been sweet, kind, honest, all American to get to the end. It was between the two. And the people have been voted out to decide who gets a million dollars. It was like a hundred percent. I lied to you all, I backstabbed you all.
It's a game. Uh, we're ready to play a game. And that's how I won.
I won a million dollars and no one's going to remember you guys.
He was like, how do you guys want to be remembered as the person that like gave it to the popular person or the person that respects the game and unanimously, and then someone else on jury stood up and went there. Like, I think we should reward Richard. Like there are, there are, he's been a total snake and I think that's what the game might be. And, and Jeff Probst has often talked about the fact that like that moment is like when Richard was given the million dollars because he wasn't, he was a massive asshole and backstabbed everyone. He's like, that was why survivor became successful. If they'd gone to the other girl and it was like just a nice popularity contest where everyone goes camping and has a hundred calories a day, he's like, it probably wouldn't have made two seasons because it just, it's too nice.
And so I've always, I'm like, that was fascinating because that was just like, no one knows what reality TV is and when he's kind of figuring this out and that's why original big brother was great. And now everyone's too aware. Well, and also everyone's like essentially just account directors from media companies. I mean, it's still good TV, but the only people you get on reality TV now are people that think they can beat the reality equation. Like we know, we all know as viewers what they're doing. They are trying to grind you down until you reveal a side of yourself you didn't want to reveal. Like that's every reality show and then we can judge it and laugh at it and people go and go, okay, I know that's the equation.
I think I can beat it and you can't beat it because they will keep you up all night. They will, they'll get you hammered. They'll tell you the cameras are off when they're on, they'll find a way to get you. And that's why I can't go on a reality show because like you can't beat that system. I love that people think they can beat it and that's the sport and that's why we watch, but you can't beat that system.
Yeah. It's kind of like if you were allowed to tamper the ball in cricket, you know, just like at will, it's like, you know, it's like no one's tampering the ball, but it's going brr brr brr. And I was like, and like, and I love that people still look at all. Like we know, you know, if you watch the bachelor, like, you know, the tricks that are being used, a lot of people still look at and go, I think I could come across well. We asked Osha last week, we asked him if, if, if he actually gets emotional in the Rose thing, like in the Rose handouts. And he was like, yeah, yeah, this is like, it, it's real. Yeah, yeah. And I was, I was just waiting. It sounded like there was a lot more pity in him though. Yeah.
I don't doubt that it's real too, because for them it is, like that's the other weird thing about reality. Like for them it is real. You can't question their reality. Like for those people like it, I don't think they're all like after the Rose from me going like, Oh fuck, this is so funny. Like who cares, I don't give a shit about this guy. Or maybe they are, but there are some people who are like, you know, there's, those are real tears and there are real people. But for me, it's that thing about like, if you're worried about how you're going to be perceived, if you think that you're going to, you can, if you think you're in control of how you're going to come across, I wish you the best. That is a, it's a funny thing with you guys.
You've always had, um, talking about, you know, being ground down to the point where you wouldn't want to show that side to you. And that's the way you avoid those scenarios. Like you were never on Celebrity Big Brother.
Um, but Mundine was, that was, that was a really interesting exercise. So you did, you did have that thing with the fucking ants on your hands though. That was pretty raw. I was kind of faking that.
Fuck off. Of course. Right.
Well, we did this thing on Gap here. So yeah, you know that, man, that's a different, I suppose. Yeah, we do, but that's, that's not the same. It's just, it's not quite the same because ultimately we still do, it's still our show. So we've, we were, even though we're deliberately, I'm deliberately pushing into a situation where I know he'll hide it and he's deliberately pushing me into a situation where he knows I'll hide it. I don't know. We, because we've got the same sense of humor, like we still do see the funny side of that. And, and you've got director's cut. And it's, we're also making the show, but it's like, well, we, we're not too precious about how we come across that. Otherwise we've cut a lot of me just screaming and crying.
So you touched an ant nest. Um, so we would travel, so we're traveling and the way we shoot Gap here was different the way they had, like every week we'd be like, you know, this is our adventures from this week. So the thing, but to actually film it, we, a lot of the time we would like condense it into like a six week trip where we're shooting stuff every day. And this thing happened to be on the very last day of filming because we were like, wow, it's a little bit of an unknown situation.
There's this tribe that has an initiation ritual that they do to their warriors when they turn 18, where there's an ant, like a, an ant that's, that's got this sting in the, in the forest here in the Amazon, um, that produces the worst pain known to man. And what it does, it's got a, it's got a toxin, a neurotoxin that shreds the ends of nerve cells. So it just sends a hundred percent pure pain signal to the brain.
And I'm like, all right. And they're like, they call them bullet ants because it's like being shot, like it's the equivalent of being shot. It's like, Oh shit, one of us is getting, we shouldn't get, definitely make one of us do that. That would be funny.
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And so, but like, no one had any, we, looking back on it, just like a ferocious low level of care or due diligence on this. Like we looked up, we're like, I wonder if anyone else has done this.
And we found a guy called the Venom Hunter, who's like an ex special forces guy that goes around the world and like gets bitten by shit and, and like test it out and kind of like grits through it and goes, you know, the brain, I can feel the poison going up my arm now. This is just like getting shot. I've got six hours to get to hospital. It is a definite, it's a pretty blinding, intense kind of pain. And so that's with like snakes and stuff. He does that. We watched his bullet ant episode.
What they do is they weave the ants, like hundreds of the ants, arse backwards into gloves into these mittens they make from like woven palm fronds. So they all like woven tree.
So that's an initiation type. It's to be, it's to basically go to the tribe. I can handle this insane level of pain. Trust me as a warrior.
So they kind of, they, they knock them out of a tree with a stick, put them in a bucket like it was going to like a, another plant in it that kind of like puts the ants to sleep while they're asleep. They weave them in, the ants wake up and they've got like, you know, around their waist, they're trapped in the, in the, in the gloves. They get pretty shitty.
And so there's two of these gloves that you pop on and you're into dance with the rest of the tribe. We've got the gloves on, everyone's kind of like chanting and dancing. And that, so we're like, that's what we knew happened. We watched the venom hunter do his bit.
And we're like, that's bad production value. Why does it, what a weird edit?
Cause it cuts from him going like, I'm going to do this guys. I'm about to do this. Like, all right, it's on, it's on, it's on.
And he's like, don't take him off, take him off. And then like, what seems like two hours later, he's hysterically crying, like bawling, like he can't stop crying. And he's like, these pain, these pain muscles are just making me cry. Like he, and we're like, what a weirdo.
And then just went on with our lives. So they never registered that like, maybe we should look into this ant thing because this guy's job it is to like withstand this. He went to war. And they're like, to the point where we know from a TV perspective, they had no other footage to use, but him just bawling and that was kind of the end of the episode.
So we're like, Oh, well go off to the jungle, meet the chief, have a little laugh at the chief and like, look, you know, you've got to pick who, who amongst us do you think just needs to become a man more, which we get a minute to plead our case. Like, Hey chief, I'm more of a man than Andy. Like you did, like you should go for him. And he's like, you know, Amy, she's very gentle. And I'm like, man, chief, I've made a child. Do we even know Andy's first heart? Well, it got like personal and desperate. Unfortunately, the chief picks me. Um, so I'm like, great.
Then we've got this bit of footage. Like we found it afterwards in the edit, like a few weeks later, because it, like I said, it was our last day of filming. We're knackered. We've been on the road for six weeks. Like we always, we have a really small crew. We're all best buddies. And we were like, we had the most fun shooting. So we're so excited because we're like, you can, someone's just filming something the way it works.
Like the mics always feeding to the camera. So even if like, someone's off filming a closeup of the ants, right? Just for the edit, which doesn't need any audio on it.
And our, and Andy and I are just chatting. It's got me and Andy going, look, whoever the chief picks, man. Um, what is it? 11.30 now, uh, this can take an hour tops. Like he's like, you know, just wait till we're like agreeing, like how we're going to shoot this. Like a bit of a gentleman's agreement.
Like we've done so much on the road. We've got great stuff. Let's not waste all our day here.
Like just as soon as one ant stings, like as soon as you feel one sting, like. Just take the gloves off and like, you know, ride out that pain. Like we're like, yeah, one gunshot still pretty bad. Like, but like no need to go mental and do 10 minutes in there. Like just get one sting.
And then he's like, yeah, totally man. Like that, that, that's enough for this piece. We don't need to go overboard. Like, yeah, great one sting. And then we're like, man, let me tell you now, man, we're going to be back at that top of one. This is awesome.
Like that's rare to finish the day early. We've already shot something that morning, like beers in the pool. I had to have a pool, which never happens on gap year. Cause we're always in places that are like 50 cents a night. Like, man, hostels go pool.
This is awesome. So we're just so excited.
Then the gloves come out. What I didn't know was I thought you would think if you, if I had to be on you, like you don't know if it's going to sting or not. Like you don't like, I just assumed you'd feel the ants on you. And then eventually one would sting you. So I put my hands in the gloves and what, what actually occurred to me just before I did this was like. Hmm.
The warriors in this community, like they look like tough dudes. They wait their whole life. Like they mentally prepare themselves for their whole life for this moment. And everything's riding on it.
If you can't become a warrior of the group, you'd be excommunicated and you don't get a wife. You don't, you can't start a family. You don't get the blessing of the tribe. You're useless to us. If you can't prove yourself here, your life means nothing.
So there's a huge amount riding on to them.
Enter the radio guy.
He's giving himself three seconds to suck himself up. I should be fine.
So I put my hands in and immediately I'm like, we've made a huge mistake because it's not like you don't wait for one to sting you. Suddenly what I learned alone is they have like a sewing machine effect of a stinger. So they start stinging dozens of times a second and they release a pheromone to everyone else. That's like, we're attacking. We're on it. So suddenly all the, all the, all the ants, hundreds of ants are stinging. Like, so within seconds you've been stung thousands of times. It felt like when you put a prawn cracker on your tongue, like that kind of blistering, like that's what it felt like over my whole hand.
And I just, we're just immediately gone. Records, scratch, freeze. We've made a huge mistake. And I just went, just get them off, take them off, take them off, take them off.
Cause already I was like, Oh, this is the pain they must've been talking about. And it hurts. It hurts. It's like you're being stabbed and it's, it's hot. It's like you're being stabbed maybe with a hot knife. And at that stage I thought that was the pain. So I was like, so it was enough pain where you could be like, Oh shit, shit, shit. No, no. Like if someone stepped a mouse trap on your hand, yeah. A lot of pain, but enough to be coherent that you would like to be out of this, then it really starts to hit. Like then the poison like does its thing and it's, I can't even describe it.
It's like, it is so much, it's so, so much pain that you're miles away from being able to grab a word or a thought or a sentence. Your brain is bright white pain. You can't think, you just can't, you can't go, I'm in pain. You have no, no chance of putting together a sentence.
It's, it was like, if you've ever accidentally touched a barbecue or a hot plate, you know, you can do that. You're like, Oh shit. Like you really jag your hand back super quick. And you're like, is that going to blister? And you were a bit worried about it. It's that pain with both your hands on the hot plate, front and back, and you can't take them off. Like it's just, it's like, if you put your hands on the, on the barbecue, it's been heating up for two hours at the same time as someone's just whacking it with hammers. Cause you started to like get dead hands and dead arms.
And it feels like you're just being smashed with hammers and everything's broken. I mean, now when they're like, yeah, it's the worst pain you can feel. So you're like, Oh right, that means if I can think of something, it's worse than that. So your brain's just like, immediately it's too much to handle. So the two thoughts, the only two kind of like messages you're sending is like, you can't handle this. But at the same time, the logical part, like why isn't the logical part of your brain's going, but you're after, because it's happening.
I don't know how else to say it to you, man. It's happening and you can't make it stop because you did it already. So your brain's like, but that can't be true. That can't be true. When you've hit your crotch and you get that bing, ding, and then you go, we're on here. Like there's nothing I can do now. Yes. It's in, it's done, it's done. And you can't undo it. Like the only option available to you is time travel. Damn, it's got to be another way.
So yeah, and yeah, I was just, I was just shrieking. Like it was just, it wasn't funny. Like in the edit, like what we ended up putting on here, Tim, who's another buddy of ours that like Tim's sort of in charge of the final cut. He's like, man, it was like watching a bank get waterboarded. It was like, this is interesting, but I don't like this. So we kind of pared it back a little bit because it was really just a man shrieking for his life and screaming and like rolling around in the dust and just panicking.
How long did it go for? Right. So it was 11 o'clock, 11, 30, whatever it was.
It was then two hours by boat back into my house to get to a hospital. I was in hospital till three, four in the morning the next morning because they put me on morphine and antihistamines because then my hands like blew up and I just didn't want to leave hospital. Like even morphine wasn't really doing enough.
And they were like, oh, you've been here for a while. Like you might have to go home. I don't, I can't ever leave. What if the pain comes back? I was broken. I was saying like in that moment, I also realized like torture a hundred percent would work.
Who, who wouldn't it work on? Like put one of those air gloves on you, like, I'll tell you where the gold, I'll tell you where it's buried. Of course.
And then also my wife was about to give birth and I was like, look, honey. This is nothing. I hear, I hear these stories about childbirth and no doubt it will be painful, but everyone's telling me I just went through the worst pain. I said, look, I didn't make that big a mistake. I went, this was pretty bad. I assume childbirth will be worse.
I know we're sort of tossing around the idea of an epidural. I take that. I take those drugs. If you're in anywhere near this level of pain, I don't know what I'm going to do about that.
So, um, yeah, she's still on the epidural. We put it in that day and she's had one for life.
That's a, it just sounds, did you have trouble like regaining motor skills? So yeah, we went back, we flew back the next day and I just had, um, just dick fingers, like massive. You went back to shoot. No, we flew back home.
We were all finished and just, my hands were just like purple and bruised and they were just like, my wedding ring was, you know, the wedding, like my wedding ring now fits comfortably around my finger and my fingers were like twice the diameter. I almost cut my finger off with my wedding ring.
They're just, just massive. Then I went to a doctor and got him checked out in Australia, expecting him to be like, this is huge. I can't believe you've done this.
You know, you've got this poison in you, this, you know, we might want to study you. It was like, probably the biggest danger is the ants might've been dirty. Like they might've had dirty stingers. So like you might get an infection from the jungle, but like if the dance had literally like dirty asses, like it's in and out, they can still catch it. So they gave me some antibiotics for that. And then I was at, but for a year after that, if my hands got hot, like if the joints expanded or whatever, I'd feel like a 1% echo of the, of that.
Like it was like, there was still something in there, but anyway, six good minutes of TV for channel nine. Now, Hamish, one thing I want to kind of say is, uh, what I'm bringing up is you were very lucky in your career, you both of you guys in that you didn't have to have a take on anything. You guys could just be commentators and like, nowadays I feel like anyone who's trying to get to where Hamish and Andy were, need to also have stripes as a bit, you know, a bit of a political kind of a beast.
And I just think you're, you guys never did it. We got no take.
Yeah. And it's good.
People don't ask that of you and you don't, you shouldn't have some very, very small tax and a few things, but, um, it's very much a take it or leave it take, um, you know, so glad, so glad we never had to make a ferocious point. And it's probably why we didn't do breakfast radio because we were like, I don't think we're going to fire, we don't want to fire people up about stuff. I don't think it's, I don't think it's within us to fire people up about stuff.
Um, so yeah, really lucky we dodged that one. Um, thank God.
Do you think that'll come later in your career though? As, as, as you get a bit older and a bit more as an independent for Xenophon?
Yeah, I mean, I just, I just think generally it's me and Andy's. I mean, maybe it's cause it's just like, well, we're just trying, we were mostly just doing stupid stuff. So it's not, we're not really making a giant point with anything we're doing apart from sometimes it's fun to have fun. It's basically the headline of what we've always done. And I just think like generally between Andrew and I, like a lot of the time for stuff people are getting fired up about, unfortunately for us, if we were ever in the business of being like, you know, shock jocks or political commentators, most of the time, unless it's like a glaring inequality of human rights, um, or a gross violation. I think most of the time we've got a lot of stuff that people are trying to get fired up about, you know, like if it was like, well, a cyclist should get registration or whatever. I think most of the time for stuff like that, and I look at it and go, yeah, I could see both sides and that's just not very exciting for radio. And also we're probably not authorities.
Yeah. I don't know. Talk to the experts. Yeah. You know, it's one thing you do see now with people who are, um, who are in that space who once upon a time they could have just been the funniest guys on radio. Uh, now, nowadays I've got to be like, Trump, what's he doing now? And it's got like, mate, we don't come to you for that. Totally. You know, I was, I was kind of waiting for, uh, for, for you and Andy to do a take on, uh, on the Donald Trump election, uh, like the whoop whoop and, and the fizzer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys, they get how they did that, um, for that uptake of that. Donald Trump, you have to go, go. That, that, I was, he obviously didn't hear that because he would have left. Yeah.
I mean, actually we were on the other day, Trump was like, it was just a real weird one. It was just, I mean, everyone was just felt super weird about it.
And that's probably like, though, I guess that would be our version of doing something political. I think we basically, it would have been coming through at that point. It was just like, Hey, um, Hey, you know how Hillary was definitely going to win? She might not. It was basically where we were up to at four o'clock in the afternoon.
And I think we put on Facebook to go like, Hey, if you're in America, um, like hit us up and we can talk to you. Like we, you know, we can call you if you give us your details. So yeah, we spoke to Americans for the whole show. It was just, it was basically, I guess the people in America that would download our podcast, probably more Democrat leaning.
It's a bunch of people in California, devastated and thinking about building a bunker. What we jam packed at four to six PM with that day. Yeah, well, we were watching it in the pub in, um, in Batuta and they, um, and you could definitely tell once you won Florida, um, there was, uh, there was a lot of whooping and hollering out, um, out in the Maranoa, which was, which was only one of two, um, electorates that voted no in, in, uh, in Queensland.
We tend to say no to everything, including, you know, Yeah, in general. At least it was a no thanks. No doubt. Still close minded. Kindly. No.
Well, there was a bit of nimbyism too, cause there was, uh, the only place that didn't indeed sort of vote yes in the, in the Maranoa was Batuta, but, um, that was, um, our Trump day, I guess was the day of the, uh, the postal vote was, um, The postal vote being revealed or the day you had to post it? The day we had to post it. Yeah. Damned government making us play by the rules and use their post boxes. In this optional vote.
Um, so what's on the works for you guys? You've been in films. Have you got any more of them coming up? That Kiwi one you did, um, Two Little Boys was good fun. Yeah.
The short answer is no, not at the moment. Um, sorry, I just had a flash of, usually when people get asked that, that's the bit where they tell you they're exciting film news. It's like, uh, no, great question. No, um, actually I'm, I can't even, I, I, this just sounds like I'm trying to be cryptic, but, uh, there's a chance I might be a very, very small, um, uh, part of an animated film coming up. Um, possibly too, maybe as many as three lines in a film, I had to sign an NDA to even be considered for the role. So all I can say is it's, um, it's with someone and it might happen, which is not exciting news. And, uh, probably not going to have a direct impact on the bottom line there from a promotional perspective of people going to see that film. If and when it does happen.
Um, but I love it. Rov, Rov voiced a, uh, one line as a crab in Finding Nemo. I don't, I'm not here to start throwing haymakers.
Let's be clear on that. He voiced it for the Australian version. Um, I believe that was, I believe that was territory specific. Holy shit. Sorry guys. What I'm talking about is an all English speaking regions role. North America, some parts of Europe, Australia, West Indies, New Zealand, some hotels, some international hotels in China, that kind of stuff. We're talking. Okay. Sorry Rov, sorry Rov, that was cute Rov. Yeah, go get your Nemo contract and you show me the words that say all English speaking territories, or is it just Asia Pacific?
Because it deeply will change how much I respect the park. It's also not one of those promotions.
Sometimes they'll come to you, uh, recently had one for Baby Boss and they're like, Hey, it's Linda here from Paramount Publicity. Love you. Do you want to do a role in, you know, Baby Boss?
You're the security guard at the airport. It'd just be for Australia.
Um, all we need is, you know, 150 social media posts of you, you know, getting the news, uh, recording it. Um, uh, so except like at home, so 25 days to go till release, so excited that Baby Boss is coming out, just stuff like that. Come to go to Premiere 3000 posts from the red carpet, host the red carpet for us.
That's all we've asked for. Of course, there's no money in it, but you do get to be two lines in Baby Boss. Like often that stuff will come up. Have you, this is again, I must stress, this is a paid role that we're talking about, but I may or may not get to do. And it's not just AUSPAC. Okay.
And it's all English speaking territories and there is a real dollar sign amount. There's not many numbers after the dollar sign, but there's a real dollar sign amount.
It's a basic day rate. It's a basic day rate, but I might only take one hour, but I will get paid for the full day.
Have you ever walked into a meeting where a person said, look, I don't understand what you do. I don't think it's funny, but I'm a numbers man and I can put two and two together.
You've got, yeah, you've got the audience. Um, I've got the money. God knows how you got them, but I want to sell to them.
Yep. Yeah, I haven't, but I look forward to the day. Yeah.
Well, we've had a couple, um, our latest one was. Where are we at with monetizing? But I mean, the podcast, the podcast helps. Um, but we've also had the, um, the print, uh, circulation of the newspaper in the, um, in the greater channel country as well as the beer and the merchant.
I mean, can I buy here today? In particular, I mean, he's the, can I exit through the gift store? Can I get a t-shirt? Can I buy a t-shirt?
We can send you, um, with some beer. I would love that. Yeah. Yep. We've got a box of them. If you'd like to walk through the tutor with a carton of the tutor bitter all day. That's yeah.
I'm going to get mugs, but that's something we can, oh, it's not that bad around here. Like not, not in the old district. No, I reckon I think we're making it appear just, I just wouldn't hop on the bus. Um, on the D8 that goes from out the front, they're down to, to, to, to ponds. Cause you'd, that's a classic honey trap. That's that's, that's where all the, that's where all the tourists get their, uh, their belongings taken away by force. Mocking.
Yes. That's what we're talking about. Yeah. No, no transaction. No, just, yeah, no, we've got all, we've got all that. And, um, actually we might, um, we might wrap there, but thank you for joining us today.
I think I'm still processing the fact that I use the C word, um, for Richard Hatch. I mean, it was a big, it was a fairly big move here. Well, also I'm processing that I opened, um, with the C bomb. I think you tricked me into doing that because I don't think we're going to use that opener. And I, and then we retook it because you used the C bomb and I guess you're like, you mind freaked me. You Chris Angel mind freaked me and you put the C bomb in my head and then it just, just popped on out.
And it could be the only one on record. Yeah, no, we can, we can, we can switch that up. Well, I guess if they say people get to this at the end and they're like, oh, we're definitely, we are definitely not doing this. We can say that we'll do it.
I'm sorry Hamish, but that's, that's, yeah, you did it into a hot mark boy. Where'd you, where'd you think this was? A locker room talk, a bit of locker room, yeah. Yeah, well, thanks for joining us.
Obviously a pioneer of Australian radio and podcasting as we learned, you've actually done like a million podcasts. We've done, we've done so many. We just started talking about it this year. I would say we've probably done two or 3000 podcasts, you know, collectively over the years. Almost every day of work you've had over the last five years. From about 2006 or seven years. So we would probably do, I guess like 200 shows a year.
Yeah, right. So yeah, a couple of, yeah, let's, what's that 2000? But we took, we took a lot of weeks off too. So I actually might dip that to one, one and a half thousand, but good fun. That makes one more today.
Thank you for joining us. I love it boys. It's a, it's been great. Big fan. You can always say that at the start. Sorry. Thanks for having me.
And that was Hamish Blake, ladies and gentlemen. He's going home with a carton of Petuta Bitter, Western Queensland's finest beer. |
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