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Give me a joke | A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality. Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. "I'm not sure how you go from one personality to the next," the woman tells the pastor over coffee. "Oh, it's simple," the pastor explains. "That guy in church is my altar ego." |
Give me a joke | Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies? The ruler. |
Give me a joke | A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear. "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it." |
Give me a joke | Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill. The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, "You guys did such a good job. Why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at the man and says, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house." |
Give me a joke | Did you hear about the farmer who won an award from the U.S. Department of Agriculture? He was outstanding in his field. |
Give me a joke | Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. |
Give me a joke | A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari. He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "All you care about is money and your possessions." The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down. "Hear me out . . . see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm." "Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" |
Give me a joke | "I'll never forget the time they gave me a farewell party at work. I was so surprised—I didn't even know I was fired."—PAUL DILLERY |
Give me a joke | A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London. "This mummy here is over 5,000 years old," the guide told the group. "It's possible that Moses saw it." A tourist raises her hand and asks, "When was Moses ever in London?" |
Give me a joke | "No man goes before his time . . . unless the boss leaves early."—GROUCHO MARX |
Give me a joke | Did you hear about the painter who kept getting fired for dropping things on people? He couldn't hold his lacquer. |
Give me a joke | How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet. |
Give me a joke | It's only natural that all politicians have a God complex. They haven't done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them. |
Give me a joke | A top official in the Democratic Party leaves his office to check out a local Republican rally. While he's spying from afar, a mugger approaches and holds him up at gunpoint. He returns to his office, upset and despondent over what happened. He explains the entire story to his assistant. "Weren't there cops around?" the assistant asks. "Of course," the Democrat replies. "Well then, why didn't you yell out for help?" the assistant asks. "What?" he shoots back, "and have Republicans think I was cheering for them?" |
Give me a joke | "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."—MILTON BERLE |
Give me a joke | The president was awakened in the middle of the night by a call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," the four-star general began, "I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" the president asked. "The country is being taken over by aliens from another planet." "My God," the president said. "What's the good news?" "The good news is," said the general, "they pee oil and they've eaten Rush Limbaugh." |
Give me a joke | A tour guide is leading a group around the Washington, D.C., area when they come to a spot on the Potomac River. "This is where George Washington allegedly threw a dollar across the river," the guide tells the group. "That's impossible," says one skeptical tourist. "No one could ever throw a dollar that far." The guide tells the man, "Well, you have to keep in mind that money went a lot farther in those days." |
Give me a joke | "Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between."—ALFRED E. NEUMAN |
Give me a joke | On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat. "My God," his friend replied, "why would you do such a thing?" "Simple," the man muttered in his last breath, "because I'd rather one of them die than one of us." |
Give me a joke | A local congressman was sitting in his office when the phone rang. He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said "Thank you," and hung up the phone. He picked the phone back up to call his mother. "Mom, it's me," he said. "I won the election!" "Honestly?" she said in response to the news. "Does it really matter how I did it?" he replied. |
Give me a joke | "The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."—JAY LENO |
Give me a joke | Why don't politicians listen to their conscience? They don't like taking advice from complete strangers. |
Give me a joke | Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff. "I'm thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy." A White House aide comments, "Why don't you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?" Another staffer jokes, "Why don't you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?" A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, "Why don't you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?" |
Give me a joke | Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. "Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president," one of them says. "Why?" asks the second aide. "Because then we'd only have to kiss his ring." |
Give me a joke | "It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth."—BILL HICKS |
Give me a joke | While waiting for a White House press conference to begin, a journalist turns to the stranger to his right and asks, "Did you hear the latest joke about the president?" "Before you continue," says the stranger, "I should tell you I'm part of the White House staff." "Okay, thanks," the journalist responds. "Then I'll tell the joke a little slower than normal." |
Give me a joke | Laura Bush tells George W. Bush, "We have this weekend free. What should we do?" "Well, let's think," he responds. Laura replies, "No, let's do something we both can do." |
Give me a joke | Plenty of Americans don't trust Barack Obama because they claim he's not a "real American" like they are. They have a point; they aren't like him. He's too thin. |
Give me a joke | How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two—one to change the light bulb and then one to change it back again after he gets elected. |
Give me a joke | A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air. When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they've been transported to Oz. "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain," says the Democrat. "I'm going to ask him for a heart," says the Republican. Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two men, "Where do you think Dorothy is?" |
Give me a joke | "Schwarzenegger confesses to fathering baby with house staff member, but explains that child is destined to bring down SkyNet in 2031."—GEORGE TAKEI |
Give me a joke | Two politicians are having lunch. The first politician says, "There are many ways of making money, but there is only one honest way." "And how's that?" the second politician asks. The first politician laughs and replies, "I have no idea. I thought maybe you would." |
Give me a joke | Did you hear that the George W. Bush Presidential Library burned to the ground in a fire? Unfortunately, all three books were lost, and one of them was barely all colored in. |
Give me a joke | "I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognize a good party man when I see one."—MAE WEST |
Give me a joke | Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are among the passengers on a boat that's about to sink. As the ship begins to capsize, Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon replies, "Screw the women!" Clinton wonders out loud, "Do we have time for that?" |
Give me a joke | A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. "I have an idea," says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he'll be a preacher." So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. "Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!" |
Give me a joke | A thief sticks a gun into a man's ribs and says, "Give me your money, now!" The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, "You can't do this to me. I'm a congressman!" The thief replies, "Oh, well in that case, give me my money!" |
Give me a joke | "It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."—BOB HOPE |
Give me a joke | Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? Because he found it impossible to lie. |
Give me a joke | How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but boy does it get screwed good. |
Give me a joke | What happens when you mate a pig with a politician? Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won't do. |
Give me a joke | Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes and starts shaking Bill. Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3 A.M. What do you want?" "I have to use the bathroom," Hillary replies. Bill responds, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." "No," Hillary says. "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot." |
Give me a joke | "Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."—WILL ROGERS |
Give me a joke | Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights. |
Give me a joke | Which English king invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate. |
Give me a joke | How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars. |
Give me a joke | What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and ark lights. |
Give me a joke | A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. "I'm sorry," he says. "What I meant to say was half of this Senate is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" |
Give me a joke | Two young boys are talking before school. "My uncle ran for Senate last year," the first boy says to his classmate. "Really?" the second boy asks. "What does he do now?" "Nothing," the first boy explains. "He got elected." |
Give me a joke | How do you keep Vice President Joe Biden busy until lunch? Tell him to stand in the corner of the Oval Office. |
Give me a joke | "For most of history, Anonymous was a woman."—VIRGINIA WOOLF |
Give me a joke | Who is the most powerful individual in Washington, D.C.? The president's dog––he can get the president to kneel in front of him. |
Give me a joke | Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die? Because deep down, they're really good people. |
Give me a joke | How did George Washington speak to his army? In general terms. |
Give me a joke | What are the ingredients for the homemade Bill Clinton stew? One wiener, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans, and tons of hot water. |
Give me a joke | Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I'm president, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House and told her how impressed George had been with his discovery of the president's private bathroom and gold urinal. "Bill doesn't have a gold urinal," Hillary told Laura, "but that explains who peed in Bill's saxophone." |
Give me a joke | Hillary Clinton goes in for her annual gynecological exam. The doctor tells her she's pregnant. Hillary storms out of the office and calls Bill. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" After a moment of stunned silence, Bill asks, "Who is this?" |
Give me a joke | A reporter corners George W. Bush at a press conference after his election. "Many people feel the only reason you were elected president is because of the enormous power and influence of your father." |
Give me a joke | "That notion is ridiculous!" says Bush. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!" |
Give me a joke | If "pros" are opposite of "cons," does that mean "congress" is the opposite of "progress"? |
Give me a joke | "After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history."—TIM ALLEN |
Give me a joke | Why's Richard Nixon like an old collector's item? Both are worth more in the box. |
Give me a joke | One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. President Bush asks him, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" |
Give me a joke | "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises. |
Give me a joke | "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."—MUHAMMAD ALI |
Give me a joke | Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. |
Give me a joke | A rookie pitcher is struggling on the mound, so the catcher walks up to have a quick talk with him. "I think I've figured out your problem," the catcher tells the shaky southpaw. "You always lose control at exactly the same point in every game." The pitcher feels a little relieved, thinking he has the answer to his issue. "When do I usually lose my control?" he asks his battery mate. "It's usually," the catcher admits, "right after the national anthem." |
Give me a joke | A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner's class. "So if my parachute doesn't open," a student asks, "and my reserve chute doesn't work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?" The instructor tells the man, "You've got the rest of your life." |
Give me a joke | After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune. He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune. |
Give me a joke | Two guys are playing golf. Two women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. One man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Will you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he replies, "Small world." |
Give me a joke | A man with a broken hand says to his doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?" The doctor says, "Yes, of course." "That's great!" says the man. "I never could before." |
Give me a joke | A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom. "I've had horrible constipation," she explains. "I haven't been able to go for weeks." "Are you doing anything for it?" the doctor asks. "Well, I'll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed." "No, I meant are you taking anything?" "Oh," she replies. "Yeah, I usually take a magazine." |
Give me a joke | Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responds, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it." |
Give me a joke | A middle-aged man goes to the doctor about his recent issues with memory loss. "Doctor, I just can't seem to remember much anymore." "Okay," the doctor said sympathetically, "it might be an issue we can get a grip on. When exactly did you begin having this issue?" The man looks at the doctor and replies, "What issue?" |
Give me a joke | A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease. "I think he got it from the maid," says the concerned dad, "and I've also been sleeping with the maid." "Okay," the doctor replies calmly. "Well, when you bring him into the office we'll take a look at you as well." "And that's not all," the father continues. "I think I might have given it to his mother." "Oh no!" cries the doctor. "Well, now we might all have it!" |
Give me a joke | A man goes to the doctor for his yearly routine physical. The nurse starts with the basic health questions. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about 165 pounds," he says. The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187. The nurse then asks, "And how tall are you?" "Oh, about six feet tall," he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only five foot eight. She then takes his blood pressure and tells him it's incredibly high. "High!" the man exclaims. "Well, what do you expect? When I came in here today I was tall and lanky. Now I'm short and fat!" |
Give me a joke | A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. "Did God make you, PopPop?" the girl asks. "Yep! He certainly did," the old man answers. "And did he make me too?" she asks next. "Of course he did," the old man answers again. "Well," she replies, "he's certainly getting better at it." |
Give me a joke | An old man is taking the road test to renew his driver's license. The instructor tells the old man that when she taps on the dashboard she wants him to slow down and show her the action he'd take if a young child ran out in front of his car. The instructor taps the dashboard a few minutes into the ride. The old man screeches the car to a halt, puts down the window, and yells to the empty street, "Be careful where you're going, you little jerk!" |
Give me a joke | An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog. She can't find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. "I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here." "Oh," the man says, "that's no big deal. Here, try this pair on." He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He hands her a second set of teeth that are too small. Finally, the third set fits just right. "Thank you so much," the old woman says. "Do you have a business card? I've been looking for a good dentist for some time." "Oh, I'm not a dentist," the man replies. "I'm an undertaker." |
Give me a joke | A new man is brought into a prison cell with a cellmate who is already 100 years old. The new cellmate asks the old man his story. The old con says, "You look at me, I'm old and worn out, but if you can believe it, I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat and four luxury cars, dated the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants around the world." The new man asks, "What happened?" "Riley finally realized his credit cards were missing." |
Give me a joke | Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, "That's us in about ten years." His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, "That's us now, because that's a mirror." |
Give me a joke | A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench. The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears. "Kid," the old man says, "I'm ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything. |
Give me a joke | My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.—JOAN RIVERS |
Give me a joke | Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.—PROVERB |
Give me a joke | The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.—DEMETRI MARTIN |
Give me a joke | I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.—WOODY ALLEN |
Give me a joke | A sixty-seven-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to twins over the weekend. The mother and babies are doing fine, but the doctor who delivered the babies is still really nauseous.—CONAN O'BRIEN |
Give me a joke | If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young.—BLACKIE SHERROD |
Give me a joke | The inventor of the Etch A Sketch died last week. His family was shaken, but is now ready to start over.—CHRIS ILLUMINATI |
Give me a joke | I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' and so it died.—MITCH HEDBERG |
Give me a joke | A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.—SOLOMON SHORT |
Give me a joke | We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet—so we bought a dog; well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.—RITA RUDNER |
Give me a joke | I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.—ELLEN DEGENERES |
Give me a joke | The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't." |
Give me a joke | "My wife kisses the dog on the lips yet won't even drink from my glass."—RODNEY DANGERFIELD |
Give me a joke | What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot? No idea, but when that animal talks, people will listen. |
Give me a joke | Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution. The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes. "Weren't you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?" the store clerk asked. "Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!" |
Give me a joke | Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo"? He was studying foreign languages. |
Give me a joke | Change your Facebook name to Benefits so when someone adds you on Facebook, it will say, "You are now friends with Benefits." |
Give me a joke | A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. |