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we pass nate on the way , with his arms wrapped around natasha and his hands tucked into her back pockets .
`` hey man , we 're taking off .
you think you can find another ride ? ''
jackson asks .
`` what do you mean ?
you 're both leaving ? ''
nate asks , frowning .
`` yup , we 're going back to my place , dude , '' jackson replies .
`` you cool for a ride ? ''
`` yeah , come here for a second , '' nate says , his eyes flicking back and forth between us .
he takes jackson 's arm and pulls him toward a screen door in the back .
`` not you , '' he says to me , as i begin to follow .
i bristle at his tone .
they disappear out back and i look after them , my mouth open in shock and annoyance .
i ca n't believe the way nate talks to me sometimes .
so dismissively .
i exchange a polite smile with natasha , who is now looking around the party aimlessly , clearly bored without nate .
screw nate .
i 'll do whatever the hell i please , and i want to know what he 's saying .
i brush past natasha , push open the screen door and walk into the small , fenced-in backyard .
there are fewer people out here , but there 's still a crowd .
i can just see nate and jackson talking in a back corner .
i weave my way through the people , keeping my head down so they do n't notice me .
i take out my phone so i look like i 'm doing something other than eavesdropping , and sidle into the group nearest to them .
i can just overhear what they 're saying .
`` why , do you want her nate ? ''
jackson asks angrily .
my eyes widen .
`` fuck no , she 's my stepsister .
it 's just weird , that 's all .
you two .
she 's not your type . ''
i feel a stab of pain at the finality of nate 's words .
`` she 's gorgeous , '' i hear jackson reply .
`` you think she 's gorgeous ? ''
nate says , beginning to laugh .
`` seriously ?
dude , come on .
besides , she 's a fucking buzz kill . ''
i do n't want to hear any more .
i can already feel angry tears building up behind my eyes .
i 'm so stupid .
why do i keep giving nate the benefit of the doubt , when he is so clearly such an asshole ?
i walk quickly back inside , through the living room , and out to the street .
i turn toward the left , where i can see a busier street , and hustle toward it .
i know it 's going to be a pricey cab ride back to the house , but i feel like i 'm about to explode into a puddle of tears .
and i do n't want to give nate the satisfaction of seeing me cry .
chapter eleven i breathe in as deeply as possible and hold it , counting to ten before exhaling as slowly as i can , trying to rid myself of the hurt feeling that followed me home from the party .
it 's a trick i learned to control my anxiety , and to say that i 'm anxious right now would be an understatement .
i ca n't remember the last time i heard someone talk about me like that , though i suppose it 's partially my fault for eavesdropping .
i finally start to feel calm enough to go to sleep , and reach to turn off my bedside lamp .
a rush of footsteps up the stairs makes me pause .
i sit up a bit as they continue down the hallway toward my bedroom .
a second later , my bedroom door bursts open and nate walks in , his face dark with anger .
`` you 're in bed ?
you 've got ta be fucking kidding me .
that was really selfish of you to run off without telling anyone , you know that ? ''
he spits at me , then turns around and walks out .
i 'm frozen in shock for a moment .
what the hell was that ?
what does he have to be mad at me for ?
i leap out from under my covers and march out of my bedroom just in time to stop him from shutting his door .
he swings around as i charge into his room .
`` i 'm selfish ?
you are just ... you are just ... '' i stumble in my anger , trying to think of the right word .
`` yeah , you 're selfish , brynn !
i looked around that party for you for thirty minutes !
i thought you might have been kidnapped !
i almost called the cops ! ''
`` wait ... what ? ''
i reply , completely thrown .
`` ever heard of a text message ? ''
he asks , his voice laden with sarcasm .
`` yes , i 've heard of a text message ! ''
man , i wish i were better at arguing .
`` hey , wait a second , this is n't about me , this is about you !
you 're the asshole !
i heard what you were saying about me to jackson , i 'm not a buzzkill , and maybe i 'm not gorgeous , but i 'm not some kind of joke , either ! ''
i fight back the tears welling in my eyes , more angry than i 've ever been in my life .
there , that got him .
he stands dumbfounded and i seize the opportunity to walk out .
just as i 'm about to cross the threshold , he reaches around me and closes the door in front of me .
i stop short and turn around angrily , almost ready to smack him .
he 's standing so close to me i 'm practically pinned against the door .
`` wait , what ?
how 'd you hear that ?
you followed us outside ? ''
`` yes , i followed you , '' i reply , stumbling a bit because i know i was wrong in that regard .
`` i was mad because you were obviously trying to stop me from leaving with jackson , and i wanted to know why . ''
i take a deep breath .
`` i guess i ca n't control what you think about me , and that 's ... whatever , that 's fine , but i do n't know why you had to go sharing your opinion with jackson .
i mean , am i really that unattractive to you ? ''
to my horror , my lower lip starts to tremble .
i do n't want to cry right now but i ca n't hold back the tears any longer .
`` no ... shit , that 's not what ... '' nate says , his eyes widen as a tear slips down my cheek .
i furiously brush it away and nate backs up , running his hands through his wavy hair .
`` it 's not that i do n't want jackson to date you , it 's that i do n't want you to date jackson . ''
`` what ?
that does n't make any sense , '' i reply , trying to staunch the flow of tears as i tug at my hair .
`` jackson 's track record with women is pretty bad .