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I am currently having a horrendous time in work. There is a very high level of micromanaging, nit picking, stress and anxiety. My confidence is through the floor and I am struggling immensely with my mental health at the moment, I can't seem to stop crying. I have applied for so many jobs and not got any so far, so I am also feeling very trapped in this situation that I no longer feel like I can cope with, what do you think?

I found learning about and focusing on Epictetus' three disciplines (especially the discipline of desire and aversion) to be helpful in changing my impression of such experiences, and my overall goal. Rather than desiring to please the other person (which may be impossible if their demands are irrational and based on anxiety rather than objective, measurable goals), I desired to understand the circumstance as best I could and perform my duty as best I could. The nice thing about this is that you can start over at any moment in the day, and just having a bit more clarity than yesterday is growth, and growth is the goal. So that's a win. To that end, I'd encourage you to read Epictetus' Discourses. Go through any chapter you choose slowly, methodically, taking time to study the arguments as if you're studying a math argument. Reading one chapter a day or a few a week can be instructive. It is not required to read in order, so pick the one that stands out to you the most. Some people find logging their progress in this way to be helpful. Good luck with new job offers. I hope that comes through for you too.

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My always-on brain is burning me out. I can’t stop obsessing about things that irritated me at work. I like my job overall, but when something gets to me, I can’t shake it. It’s also been a really busy time, which has contributed to the stress. It’s affecting my ability to enjoy my evenings and be present with family. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m just wasting energy thinking about what’s passed or what I don’t have control over, but it’s not working. Any would be greatly appreciated.

Take a page from Marcus Aurelius (tailored of course to your own life rather than that of a Roman emperor). Try starting your day by reminding yourself that today you are going to have to deal with some people that frustrate you, but that’s ok because you love your job and this is a part of that job; they don’t know any better, so you can’t really blame them, and on some level these are the people who make your job possible and necessary.

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I've been interested in Stoicism for the last year and have also read books like Meditations. The one thing that I stuggle to do is keep myself accountable when it comes to addiction. I am getting better at other aspects, such as how I respond to externals. But addictions are affecting my overall judgement. Any advice on how to deal with addictions?

I've found that ancient Stoicism in itself was not prepared for the addictions of our modern time (especially internet related addictions, or modern substance abuse with effects not known in antiquity). I would check the Cognitive Behavior Therapy and/or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy related self-help literature also. These systems have specific approach towards modern addictions. It would be very good to have an accountability partner, but it is quite hard to find someone. Stoicism's whole thing is helping you identify the things you can control/change and the things you can't. However, it's not a manual for what to actually do with regards to the domain you can control (which is mostly yourself). Personal management and development is the work of a lifetime. Stoicism can help us identify that we can strongly influence our habits, behaviors, attitudes, goals etc. But that's as far as it goes really. It gives us the perspective but not all the answers. There are lots of good resources. But I don't think you'll find much help from Stoic writers on the subject unfortunately.

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Hello all, I’m needing some help with a problem that’s been affecting me my whole life. First off, I’m a 25 year old autistic male who jumps from one subject of interest to another particularly when it comes to living my life and I hate being so flighty with interests and want to stop. Any advice would be helpful. Edit: I mentioned I was autistic so you could have a better understanding of my mindset. The problem isn’t about me being autistic; it’s about how to keep practicing Stoicism when you feel bored of it

Stoicism is not a treatment for autism. There are approaches created specifically for your issues which will be much more effective. However, Stoicism can be a great addition to any therapy. From this perspective, the answer to your question is that you stay stoic by practicing Stoicism daily for the rest of your life.

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Hypocrisy and double standards Its fine in one instance but not in the other. This has stirred(or I have let it) frustration and anger I'm aware Judgments opinions actions words double standards are out of my control but it still bothers me (I'm doing better than before however) How do I not let all that stated above effect me? I want to be free of letting myself be controlled by external factors

Study Stoicism. It might be useful to start with an overview like Ward Farnsworth’s The Practicing Stoic and then go on to the classics (Epictetus, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Musonius Rufus). In order to get the benefits of the philosophy, you have to take the time to learn it and then begin to apply it in your life. This is time very well spent, and will significantly help you with this problem.

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Hypocrisy and double standards Its fine in one instance but not in the other. This has stirred(or I have let it) frustration and anger I'm aware Judgments opinions actions words double standards are out of my control but it still bothers me(I'm doing better than before however) How do I not let all that stated above effect me? I want to be free of letting myself be controlled by external factors

Take the money and post Meditations 2.1 on your desk to read at least once per hour the first month.Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet to-day inquisitive, ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill. But I, because I have seen that the nature of good is the right, and of ill the wrong, and that the nature of the man himself who does wrong is akin to my own (not of the same blood and seed, but partaking with me in mind, that is in a portion of divinity), I can neither be harmed by any of them, for no man will involve me in wrong, nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him; for we have come into the world to work together, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of upper and lower teeth. To work against one another therefore is to oppose Nature, and to be vexed with another or to turn away from him is to tend to antagonism." -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1

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So I am currently serving my notice since I got a really good offer from a different company which I already took. At my current work place I have this nemesis in the department - we do not get along at all. It is very hostile and we ceased all communication last year. We had an altercation 2 years ago where we were placed in the same apartment by our employer for like 3 months. The short story is she disrespected me constantly and even approached my partner when he came to visit and asked him to leave! It got so bad that I had to tell my boss I will be moving out and luckily he understood. This is easy, I can get over this and I did, no problem. My biggest issue with her is she is so lazy and combative at work, and since we work on projects together we do have to rely on each other's intelligence and shift ideas back and forth. She is the kind to respond with "that's not my fuction, that's yours" to basically anything that would require her to think! I can't work with her- and the other colleagues share the same opinion. She has also instigated the other team members and leans heavily towards influencing them to dislike me, and other bullying tactics. Basically my quality of work life at the moment is at like 40% with regard to my relationship with the rest of the team purely because of her. She is toxic and vile! Now, after accepting the offer (which is 100% raise) I find out she is also serving notice and will also be going to the same employer in the same department. My current employer wants me to stay and they have given me a counter offer of 50% raise (which is the highest they are allowed to give). What do I do? I can't imagine enduring what I was so excited to get away from. I'm stressed.

Feeling angry and isolating yourself is giving you more of what you don’t want. You’re able to clearly define, and articulate what you don’t want but it’s not clear what you do want. The answers to your questions are within you, and focusing on the problem isn’t going to give you insight or wisdom. Your mind and brain are doing a fantastic job of keeping you safe, protecting you for the very pain you speak in depth about. This reinforces the actions that you take daily. We humans are often misled by our emotions; rise above and command your mind and brain to work for you rather than against you. Choose how emotions affect your behavior. Make decisions based on calm, maturity, and wisdom, not impulsiveness or fear. You are the one who decides whether you have been harmed. Life throws curveballs; it's natural. Layoffs, relationship issues, debt - all examples of tough circumstances we face. But don't let them define you. You decide who you'll be and how you'll move forward. Tap into your inner strength and keep pushing, no matter the situation. Today's experiences don't shape tomorrow. Take the lead and choose your future self. Stop self-criticism and work towards a better life. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate. - Carl Jung Figuring out how you want to feel, and tapping into your inner knowing what values and actions follow how you want to feel will tell you how to let go of anger and how to proceed forward powerfully if that’s what you want. Some find comfort in being angry and isolating themselves for it shrinks their world and limits their exposure to pain and in that case accept this as your fate if you’re afraid to change. You hold greater power over your life than you realize. Work on your relationship with yourself and life, once you get to a place where you have unconditional love for yourself, and eagerly jump out of bed excited about what the day will bring, you’re in a healthy place to attract amazing similar energy people into your life to share moments and make memories together.

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Long story short: I’ve been alone for most of my life, without any friends and acquaintances. But it wasn’t until two years ago that I finally met a group of people I clicked with and seemingly meshed good with. People I thought of as family apart from my biological one. But, as the old saying goes, “nothing lasts forever” and I said some things that got them mad at me, we had a back and forth, and they kicked me out. I apologized on an individual level to a lot of them in case I got them upset. But it didn’t really accomplish anything, and I don’t plan on asking to be let back in and come in on their terms (and that’s not because of pride or arrogance. What I said wasn’t that bad to begin with, but they interpreted it as such and got mad). But since this all unfolded, I’ve found myself extraordinarily angry at almost everything, simultaneously wanting to smash and destroy things like Godzilla, but knowing I can’t. I’ve had a few moments where, when I’m in a private area like my car or bedroom, I scream my head off and hit and throw things. On top of this, I’ve also gotten it in my head that joining them was a huge mistake and that I’m better off being alone for the rest of my life, to save myself further potential heartbreak and anguish. Yet, everything I read tells me this would be a bad idea for me in every aspect. I want to stop feeling like this and being so angry all the time, yet I also don’t want to have to make myself isolated and keep everyone at a distance to save myself potentially more harm.

The way you think is a chain of habits that you have accumulated throughout your life. We all know that we can avoid a habitual action. We also know that once we get bored or tired or agitated, we will do what we usually do. The only way to remove unwanted habits is to replace them. The only way to build a habit is with repetition and rewards. Also try to keep the virtues wisdom, courage, temperance and assent in mind, regularly meditate on them and apply stoicism whenever you can, to kind of make a habit of it. With that you’re training to get the ability to reason your unpreferred indifference away(or better said, to even be thankful for those since they test you and help you gain true wisdom) and focus on what you are grateful for and brings joy to you as well as being great at those things “To be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands unmoved and the raging of the sea falls still around it.” Meditations - Marcus aurelius

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Hey, I keep having a lot of random thoughts making me emotional or other things. It’s mentally exhausting to be going through tons of different thoughts daily. So I wonder, what would the stoics back then do besides writing them down. I mean how do I gain control over my mind through practice and train my mind to only think in necessary thoughts unless, the other is reasonable?

You’re using a definition of virtue and vice that isn’t the Stoic definition. Marcus Aurelius had 13 natural kids, that’s hard to do if you’re celibate. Virtue is practical wisdom, often conceptualised as courage, wisdom, temperance and justice. The absence of virtue is vice. That’s what the Stoics mean by vice. They’re not talking about the postChristian list of behaviours that are commonly called vice now. They’re saying that when you fail to live with practical wisdom, you slip into vice. Sex and drugs are indifferents. You can live with virtue while having lots of sex or none at all. Some drugs are lifesavers, and while there are certainly drugs nobody should touch, the wisdom element comes into play when discriminating when the use of something like morphine is appropriate and when it is not. And to round all this up, a song talking about a lifestyle you don’t participate in has no power to make you participate in it.

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I have been searching for this answer for quite a few days, but people who ask here about music only mention music itself, and not potentially harmful music. But my question is this: Is music containing lyrics about vice (for example, a rapper who sings about how much he does drugs and how much sex he has) harmful to stoic practice? Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much information about it from daddy Seneca or any of the other stoic authors I have read obviously, since music was much different back in their time

is lying and saying that it was all in my head most suitable in this occasion? It depends on what your endgame goal is. If your endgame goal is to be a wise and good person, then deception is not likely to be a good solution for this situation. This isn't about lying about hiding people in your attic after all, it's lying for the sake of managing other people's interests in the hopes of taking the potential heat off you. This should raise the question for you, what's so "bad" about the heat being on you here? You've got a dysfunctional family that triangulates communication and uses information as currency for personal gain. I've got one of those myself and so I know how uncomfortable that is. But it's only as uncomfortable as you understand it to be, and by developing and practicing the skills of thinking well about your circumstances, you can improve both your communication skills and your management of these kinds of uncomfortable situations. This is because you can get a better idea of the realistic values of things like the anger and emotional manipulation of people who are ignorant of pertinent information, and reliant on cognitive biases for emotional comfort. Epictetus talks about the value of managing our impressions precisely because this helps us navigate these undesirable situations, and even avoid them when possible. This is a good time to learn how to navigate your impressions related to this event and your family in general. I have found this series of posts to be really helpful: Introducing Stoic Ideas.

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I was recently sharing the reason for leaving my parent's home, but over shared into details of the family matters happening under the table so to speak. It was impulsive because I reacted to my frustrations with her not understanding how the family members can be two faced due to her high trust in them, I suppose the years of harassment wasn't accepted enough or there was residual sentiment. I failed to drop the topic and now she's going to have what she says will be a simple and straight forward discussion with the family members. Is there a way to rectify it, is lying and saying that it was all in my head most suitable in this occasion? What would a stoic do in such an event?

This conundrum is as old as society itself. People spend their entire lives arguing the merits of one or the other end of that spectrum. Arguing for a middle path is generally viewed with disdain from both ends. This seems to be cross-cultural. It seems to be a stable problem across time, too. I suspect that if the ancient Stoics were pushed to explain this phenomenon, they would have attributed it to destiny. Each person is born with a roll in the plan of Logos, just as every actor on the stage has a role in the play. We are born to our role. We maximize our destiny by excellence (Vitrue) in that role. Aspiring to change the balance of the Logos is hubris or, at very least, naive futile idealism. I am not a believer in any preexisting plan or destiny beyond the workings of physical processes and the emergent properties they facilitate. Something as stable as this is very likely a result of genetic predispositions (a different kind of destiny). The more heterogeneous the population, the closer to evenly split it will become along these lines. Thus, the instintinctive frustration of people at either end of the spectrum as immigration of one form or another makes it harder for them to maintain a consensus. There is a really good book (Sociology, not Stoicism) that makes an elegant and compelling summary case for the genetic basis of political predispositions. It's called The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt. The ancient Stoics split their time between the study of ethics, logic, and natural philosophy (aka Science). I find it logically inconsistent to ignore the growing body of social and psychological science when contemplating sociological and psychological phenomena. It is especially important to consider it when data goes against our gut feelings about it. That dissonance is a strong indicator that our assent is in error and in need of refinement. Stoic philosophy requires that we continually reform our impressions to better match reality. We ignore the knowledge and understanding of our experts at our peril. We don't have to listen to scientists pontificate about philosophy, but we should hear them out in matters of repeatably quantifiable phenomena. This is probably not a satisfying answer to you. You can aspire to find, or even be, the philosopher king who will bring sensibility and end stupid division. People have been looking for that individual at least since Plato theorized about one. I personally don't have a lot of hope that one is possible in the real world.

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I am a guy that likes stoic thought and does his best to adhere to some of the principles. So, what I am going to ask you may be a little contradicting since it might be an unstoic approach to achieve something stoic I guess. I am kind of worried of the future of my country (Holland) and my dream would be to be part of a stoic political movement that focusses on cultivating stoic virtues in the people and self-development. However, even though there are a lot of political parties in Holland, there isn't one of them that fits my beliefs. I am in favor of radical democracy, but at the same time I want a leader that is virtuous and promotes these qualities and is a good example to the people. I have found that the parties that do promote intellectual work (wisdom virtue) and democracy, are kind of soft and therefore lacking in courage and temperance virtues, while the parties that do promote the physical and strenght in general are sometimes leaning towards populism and anti-intellectualism. So, basically i am just looking for a party that combines the intellectual realm with the strenght realm, but i have not found one i guess. Does somebody find him or herself in a similar situation and how do you deal with that? I do want to get politically active, so i was thinking about joining a political party and just trying to make change from within. What are your thoughs on this?

Stoicism views this sort of behaviour where you beat yourself up over past mistakes as 'reasoning against nature'.You don't model yourself as a being who is part of the causality chain like everything else, but instead view yourself and your decisions as self-deterministic. This means it's possible for you to take action based on a decision you thought would help, but then become angry at yourself when it backfires in a way you didn't expect. This is the belief responsible for your regret. A person who doesn't say "my actions must always produce the intended result, otherwise I'm an idiot and it's all wasted" will not experience the same feeling as you. Instead, they would simply learn from the result and factor it in their future decisions.

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There’s truly only a few things that really get me stuck in a downward loop and that’s when I feel like I regret not doing or doing something. Particularly when it comes to the realm of dating. I think as a man you sort of always are shooting in the dark. Granted I’m not dense and can usually tell when a women is interested in me but a lot of the times those are women I’m. It interested in. I think of myself as a pretty above average looking guy and I feel like I don’t do enough when it comes to “shooting my shot”. There’s moments where I feel like this women might be interested but I don’t take the leap and end up feeling angry at myself, and at society and societal norms as a whole. How would a stoic approach this?For example, blatant disrespect, someone is like hahaha you're a weak pussy bitch or your daughter/wife is a slut monkey or your family is all shit. It's like shit I have pride in myself and certain things that are disrespected, but when I defend myself i never win cause it keeps going. And you can't physically do anything cause it's illegal. So the obvious thing would be to just walk away, but the emotions still linger like "f**k that guy".

most disrespect is brought on by the individual needing to degrade others in order to elevate themselves. When two people start reflecting off of each other, it amplifies the disrespect by amplifying each one's own insecurity. If you're secure in yourself, it doesn't hit you. It's like a dull mirror. No reflection. No amplification. Walk on by. Also do not act out of emotion. Seneca said, the best cure for anger is delay. Being rid of your anger does not mean you do not take down your opponent. It means you do not act out of anger, which is weak of thought and dangerous for the self. Do not answer such people with what you are thinking. As a wise man once said- do not tell anyone outside the family know what you’re thinking. Next time this happens - what would your heroes do? Mine would smile and walk away in peace. I want to be like my heroes.

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I'm reading currently "The Daily Stoic." But I don't know why I'm not able to apply these stoic sayings in real life and most of the time i make impulsive decisions then after sometime obviously i repent those decisions and feel ashamed. I'm a beginner in stoicism so also if you have any book to suggest for beginners please do it. So day after day practicing stoicism but I'm not able to control my emotions and at that time I don't know what I'm saying or doing i lose control over my mind. Please advise something which can help me to control my emotions and think logically so i could atleast stop making those impulsive decisions.

I hope you realize that not being able to follow advice you've simply heard of without first needing to verify if it's true is a feature of your mind, not a bug. If you're expecting to assimilate Stoic ideas into your thinking by reading a few articles on the internet, you should also expect to become an architect by looking at a random building on the street. Now, only one piece of Stoic literature exists that was designed to be consumed by beginners, and that is the Discourses of Epictetus you can start reading from the link provided. A lot of alternate translations exist, and a good chunk of them you should be able to find available for free on the internet. See if you like it - and if you do, your chances of comprehending the philosophy are probably higher than you think.

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(F 27) have a coworker who is (F 35) and today is the second time she told me about my “dead eyes. She says my eyes have no emotion and compared me to a dead fish. She said it cause I got my ID today and I said it looks flat (she’s a photographer so I had assumed she knew what I meant in terms of how the image was edited) and she seemed like she enjoyed telling me about my “emotionless dead fish eyes.” She ignored me when I said that the edit makes my face look flat and she went on to talk about my eyes. Then she complimented my picture. What is even this? What do y’all think might be her problem? Is it jealousy? How do I handle her and anyone like this? Edit: no I don’t post pictures on here so you won’t see any image of my eyes… well not yet lol

It’s very common for people to project their faults onto others. She probably was told she has “dead eyes” by someone else, or looks in the mirror and sees them. As Epictetus would say, “For the ugliness between another’s ears is outside your control, therefore pay no attention to this self hating ho.”

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I had a girlfriend who was abusive, I sometimes want to tell her that even though I know it's probably pointless, and despite knowing a fair bit of stoicism, sometimes the memory of it comes back and I get angry that I was too kind and didn't call out her cruelty for what it was. Sometimes I even fool myself telling her might decrease the chance she does it to another man, however slightly. How should I approach this situation? Is there any way contacting her is compatible with stoicism? I should note this year my life has effectively been on hold, without friends, in a random location for university placement, which has made it harder to completely move past than if the situation had been different. I honestly feel this year I've worked on myself mentally so much, but this still gets to me sometimes.

You need to drop all of this, mate. She is out of your life, and while she is gone from your life, she is still left with the toxic attributes she possesses. Hopefully, you have gained the insight to be able to discern the disrespect earlier and not to accept it. We cannot control how others act, but we must have strict boundaries so that, if crossed, we act swiftly and without doubt. And what possible good is contacting her again? It will certainly not result in the closure that you want. Your closure is internal to you.

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I’m in a team of a few people. Because of things that have happened in the past, I have decided that I don’t want to befriend any of them, and be completely professional but just that. Over time, because of how quiet I am, they think it’s ok to pick on me because I don’t give a response. Two of them whisper things about me while with them, and they snicker. I don’t even look towards them because I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of bothering me, but deep down it angers me that I have to control myself for no reason because they don’t stop. I feel like people who do take action for things they are sensitive about actually get things done. But I feel like reporting them over small things would make me less of a man and a mature individual. How would you handle this situation?

I would say that you're controling yourself because you decided to be professional with them, so keep this idea in mind and act towards it, if there's no major problem keep ignoring it, but if it becomes a major problem go talk to them professionaly. Look at them in the eye and sincerely reply "I am sorry you feel that way" and like a grown up, walk away and live your life.

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My girlfriend is always complaining, dont get me wrong I love My her so so much. But she is always complaing about everything that happens in her life and she is most of the time negative about many things. I noticed that I get affected by her negativity and was wondering how I can approach this with a stoic mindset. How can I not be so affected by her complaints and negativity as a stoic. I don’t want to change her cause I can’t I know that!

There are a lot of nuances to this Theres a couple of things here that you could do if she is willing to take a moment to sit down and talk with you. Make sure she isn't already in a negative mood or as negative as usual when you talk to her. It may be good to talk with her and let her know that you have noticed her behavior is making her life more negative, and you are concerned that it is not helping her, but rather making it harder for her to function and you just want the best for her which is why you want to help her. Unless she is being super toxic to you I wouldn't mention how her negativity is bringing you down, because shes already on a bad mind set and so she may feel like she is a burden to you which will cause her to bottle up her emotions away from you. So avoid mentioning that she is starting to posion you, again if she is being toxic though, stand your ground. A stoic approach for her would be you helping her acknowledge that, yes, there is a lot of problems going on in her day to day life, but she can only control things that are within her control such as her response to an issue, the rest is out of her control and therefore it is not going to help dwelling too much into such issues. This is difficult as for many people, life is frustrating, and we can't help but fixate our minds on everything we could have done differently. That's okay though its okay to be frustrated, upset, sad, etc, but letting things that you can not do anything about take over your mind can be damaging. It creates vicious cycles. She must learn to let go and focus on what she can do differently now, like how she responds to situations that come about now. So perhaps start from there, what can she do about current issues that are within her control and how can you work on them together. Also, it may not be a bad idea to help get her away from the negativity of the day to day life. Taking her out somewhere, do an activity together that gets her mind off the issues. If she cycles back into the same patterns, which she will, skills need to be built, just continue to reassure her that you are there for her and help her understand what is in and out of her control. Helping her focus on what issue she can change will help guide her on a better path of thinking. I hope this helps. Good luck

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I feel like I wasted my life, I had a perfect life 10 years ago. Good job, financially well, physically fit, potential to settle down with a good looking smart women. But i contemplated making a decision every single time, and ended up making a lot of bad decisions. 10 years later I'm in my mid thirties heading towards my 40 and do not know how to navigate life. I am feeling so down and only left with time anxiety. I do have a job but nothing else. Hoping things will change for better.

What needs to be better? Comparing yourself to others? You have a job? Not reading anywhere your health is going down the drain at the moment? You have a roof above your head? Food on the table? You read the basics of our beloved and practical philosophy? Yes? Work on it. No? Work on it. It is of no use to dwell on the past or what should have been. I had a perfect life 10 years ago. I do have a job but nothing else. Studying Stoicism will disabuse you of both of these misperceptions as well as countless others.

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